I don't see it.
I know that everything is supposed to be special and I don't see it.
It's been some months since Mary and what we know that she's pregnant.
Such a strange time and with so much happening, it feels like such a whirlwind, but
in the midst of all these things happening, you have someone that you know you're supposed to marry
and you tell them that there is a baby and I know pretty clearly that this baby is not mine.
No genius, but I'm pretty sure I know how some things work.
But then I end up having a dream that tells me that this child is from God.
I'm supposed to still be married to Mary and I keep thinking, okay,
if things are not supposed to work in the usual way, then it's got to be special, right?
There's got to be more to it.
But every day since then everything has felt normal.
And then later on we end up hearing about Mary's cousin Elizabeth and she goes to spend some time with her
and apparently Elizabeth, she's a little bit older.
She has had a child before, now I'm nowhere, she's pregnant and her husband can't talk.
They think that she may have seen some angel speaking to him and the Holy of Holies
and all these things that are happening, but Mary goes to visit and she says that there's this leaving
inside of the two of them, that the child inside of Elizabeth and the child inside of Mary that they get it
but you know what, I wasn't there.
I didn't see this, I didn't feel this.
Everything still looks and seems so normal.
But with it is now I have these questions in my mind is there's this child that is born
and I know so many things that they were talking about that Zechariah and Elizabeth's child is not supposed to be drinking wine.
Am I supposed to be doing something special?
I'm not special, I'm just a cardinal.
And if there's nothing to work with or would, I'll go work on something else.
Am I supposed to be reading something? Am I supposed to be making something? Am I supposed to be figuring something out?
All I know is that we have to come here to this random place that I don't live in
and now the woman that has this child that I'm going to be raising didn't even have time to make a bed for this child.
Just hoping to clean out enough of the whatever the food is left over from the animals to make sure there's a place for the child.
The truth is that I don't see how this is supposed to be, this wonderful thing, I don't see it.
And we even have all these people coming in out of the fields and they're saying that they saw these angels up in the sky.
Frankly, these, I don't think they have a little bit too much wine or something or other.
And they're coming through town and you can hear them wandering around.
They don't clearly know what they're doing. They're just looking for someone and then all of a sudden they stumble their way down us.
And they seem like they're really excited to find the child and his wrath in these cause and life and nature and what they see. They see us.
It's just us. There's nothing special about me. And as wonderful as I think that Mary may be,
there's nothing obviously different about her. And then you go and you look at this child and you're like, is there something radiating to us?
A nose? A mouth? What is there that I'm supposed to see? I don't see it. It's supposed to be special. Why can't I see it?
The thing is that there is so much that I cannot understand.
I go to synagogue very early. I've heard these passages. I've heard the prophetize yet.
I've heard the things about looking for the wonderful counselor and the prince of peace. How am I supposed to make sure that this little wrinkly raisin somehow turns into the wonderful counselor and the prince of peace?
I don't even know for sure how we're paying for the food number of days.
How am I supposed to learn how to help this young boy, counsel, kings, become someone who can bring peace to a world that's in conflict?
I don't see it. How am I supposed to figure this out?
What you're told is that I cannot see how it is that God is not just supposed to use this little child to do so much.
How is he supposed to use me?
Every time this child sprays his knee, every time that he has a heartache or that somebody hurts his feelings, every time there's something he doesn't get.
And I'm supposed to try to make sure that he becomes a master toolman and what?
He's going to get it right off the bat every single time?
I am not always going to have the best temper with this child. How is that supposed to bring up the future prince of peace?
What is he just saying? He's going to hear the words of scripture and somehow in a saying, God, understand?
Is he going to somehow make all the connections? I don't make all the connections.
See, he's just going to somehow one day just start teaching how to know where.
I don't see how this is supposed to bring hope.
The truth is, that's not what faith is supposed to be about.
Faith is not for the things of our office. Faith is not for the things of the career.
Faith is not because God has spelled it out and written down every single line.
Faith is not about knowing how to make sure that I know every step from here to there.
Decades, struggle.
I was not expecting to someday have to care for the future king of kings.
This is not what I was expecting.
The truth is, that we don't have to see it for God to understand.
I don't know what it is that God sees as so special in me,
but truth be told there are many of us that don't get how God sees something special in us.
We go about our everyday life. We wake up, we eat, we go about everything we're supposed to be doing.
And somehow, this day is one more step from the journey that God is doing something beautiful here and now.
I don't see it. You probably don't see it, but he's still doing something amazing.
I don't know how it's going to happen and I know that it won't be easy.
I know that whatever life we have in front of us is not going to be a bed of roses.
We had to start off with the manger and animals and crazy drunken shepherds running around and talking about angels.
But I don't have time for you now.
Maybe that's how it is that we actually can have some hope and joy.
That we're not the ones offering this. We're not the ones figuring out how it's going to work.
But instead somehow this child is going to go to that cross and is going to make all things mean.
However, he has done that not just then, but also in our world today.
I'm glad he's in charge because none of the rest of us possibly had a fear of God.
So may God truly be in any world. May He truly be with us because only by His presence do we have any hope in this dark, injury world.
Thank you.