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This is the only true lifestyle.

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All the others are death styles.

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This morning we're going to talk about a death style as we approach a delicate subject regarding

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adultery.

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I've entitled the message, Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage.

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Jesus called the society of His day an adulterous and sinful generation.

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I wonder how He would describe ours.

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The sexual revolution of the 1960s has brought us to the moral relativism of the 90s, when

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even a president's behavior is defended and those who criticize him are subjected to scorn.

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Frankly we should not be surprised that this is the case.

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Adultery is depicted as normal sexual behavior on the big screens, and it is the subject

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of warm, accepting humor in sitcoms.

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The music of our pop culture has drummed the idea of the sexual revolution into the heads

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of millions, teaching them that sex is a game or a toy that is to be used for one's own

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pleasure in life without any commitments.

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So as long as no one is hurt by it, why not?

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If it is to consenting adults, what's wrong with it?

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Everybody is doing it.

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But you see, morality is not determined by the polls or by public opinion.

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Right and wrong is not subjective.

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It is not relative.

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It is not situational.

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Righteosity is a standard of righteousness that has been set by the Creator Himself.

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He has determined what is right and wrong, and not arbitrarily, but rather on the basis

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of His perfect love.

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You see, He delivered the Ten Commandments in love.

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In love for us, knowing full well what is best for our personal and common good.

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And therefore it breaks the heart of God to see mankind disobey, because God knows how

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that disobedience will bring us sorrow, destruction, disease, and pain, and ultimately death and

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judgment.

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God gave us the commandments, including this one, for our own good and for our protection.

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This commandment protects marriage and the home.

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This commandment does not rob us of anything, but on the other hand, it gives to us a satisfying

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and wholesome life.

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It only protects us from what will surely destroy and hurt us and others.

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And so God clearly says in the fourteenth verse of Exodus chapter twenty, you shall

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not commit adultery.

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This command is based upon the sanctity of marriage.

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Marriage was established by God, of course, in the Garden of Eden.

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Its purpose was to complete man and to fully express the image of God in them as male and

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female.

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Listen again to the words of Genesis chapter two.

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The man gave names to all the cattle and to the birds of the sky and to every beast of

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the field.

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But for Adam, there was not found a helper suitable for him.

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God brought the pairs of all the animals before him so that he could name them.

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And yet as he went through that process, he realized, he recognized his aloneness.

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He recognized that in that sense he was deficient, that he was not complete.

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And so God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept.

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Then he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.

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You say, well, did God really do that literally or is this sort of a story in which God is

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communicating some truth to us?

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I'm convinced that if we could have seen Adam in his physical body, we would have seen

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the place in his side where God took out the rib.

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That's how literal it was.

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And it says that the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the

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man and brought her to the man.

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And the man said, this is what I've been waiting for.

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I mean, this is paraphrased.

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He says, this is now bone of my bones.

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This is the flesh of my flesh.

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She shall be called manness, that is, woman, because she was taken out of man.

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And then Moses says, for this cause, for what cause?

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For this cause of God being glorified in the completion of man and woman.

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For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife,

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and they shall become one flesh.

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From this text of scripture, we observe several things about marriage as God established it.

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In the first place, marriage is monogamous.

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God did not create two women for Adam.

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He didn't create two Adams for Eve.

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It was one man and one woman brought together for the completion of them both.

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Secondly, we see that marriage is heterosexual.

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Male and female, God created them to complement one another.

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Third, we see that marriage is a complete identification.

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Adam and Eve were still two persons with different personalities, and yet they cleaved together.

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They became one flesh.

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There was a union, there was identity that was shared with them in marriage.

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Finally, we see that marriage is permanent.

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That is especially underscored when Jesus comments about it in Mark 10, as he does,

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and he explains this text that we just read, and he says,

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What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.

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And so that is God's ideal of marriage.

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That lays the background, the foundation for the commandment that we're studying this morning.

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We begin by noting how important marriage is to God, the sanctity of it.

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But now we need to look at the significance of this command regarding adultery.

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We need to understand several things about adultery.

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In the first place, adultery is a transgression of the covenant of marriage.

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In marriage, a man and a woman promise to keep themselves pure in their relationship

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and to give one another to the other faithfully for life.

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The marriage vows are not in the Scriptures, per se.

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I remember what a surprise that was for me, even as a young man preparing to go into the

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ministry that the vows are not found in the Bible.

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But they certainly express the truths of the Bible.

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And you remember that part of one of the questions says this,

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Do you promise to keep only unto her, only unto him, so long as you both shall live?

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And the response is yes, we do.

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You see there is a promise.

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There is a promise to faithfulness in the covenant of marriage.

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Adultery is the transgression of that covenant.

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It is the breaking of that promise.

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Secondly, we need to understand regarding adultery that it is a sin that destroys.

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Adultery is a sin that is destructive.

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In the first place, it is destructive to God's order.

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God's design for marriage that we've just looked at, a man and woman coming together

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with lifelong commitment to each other.

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It is destructive to God's order of marriage.

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Secondly, it is destructive to human society.

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The home is the foundation of all of human society.

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That's why strong societies have written right into their law codes laws against adultery.

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That is true in our state.

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I hope it will always be there because it is a legal recognition of the importance of

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the home and the importance of marriage.

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Adultery destroys human society.

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Our society today is coming apart partly because of the breaking of this commandment being

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so widespread.

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But third, it is a sin that destroys one's own soul.

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It is self-destructive to commit adultery.

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Listen to the words of Proverbs.

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Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned?

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Or can a man walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?

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So is the one who goes into his neighbor's wife.

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Whoever touches her will not go unpunished.

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He goes on to say, the one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense.

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He who would destroy himself does it.

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Because in disgrace he will find, and his reproach will not be blotted out.

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And so adultery is a sin that is destructive, and it destroys oneself.

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I also want to say this regarding adultery, that Jesus warns any of us not to feel self-righteous

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about it because adultery can occur in the heart as well in physical act.

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In Matthew chapter 5, Jesus says, you have heard it said, you shall not commit adultery.

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But I say to you that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery

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with her already in his heart.

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Now Jesus is not saying there that there is an equivalence to the thought and to the act

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in terms of its seriousness, in terms of the consequences, but he is saying that there

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is an equivalence in terms of the guilt in a person's life.

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Now I want to point that out because I am aware of at least one wife who divorced her

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husband because he acknowledged that he had had impure thoughts for another woman.

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And she felt she had legal justification before God because of what Matthew 5 says.

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That is not the case.

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But what Jesus is saying is that one does not have to actually consummate the physical

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act to be guilty before God of lust and of the sin of adultery, of the emotions, and

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of the heart.

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Finally we need to acknowledge this very sad thing regarding adultery, that adultery allows

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for the possibility of divorce.

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In fact, as I understand the scriptures, it is one of two allowances that God makes for

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divorce to take place.

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He doesn't command it, but he does say that adultery is such a serious sin that it can

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be grounds for divorce between a man and a woman.

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It is that serious of a consequence.

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Now looking at God's plan for marriage and the sanctity of it, and on the other hand,

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how serious a sin adultery is, what its significance is in our lives, in our families, and in society,

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and how it destroys us.

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Looking at those facts we have to ask the question, why do men and women commit adultery?

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How does this happen?

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What contributes to a fall into sin?

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This morning I am joined in my message by a good friend of mine, a brother in Christ,

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Todd Mulligan.

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Todd, come on up.

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Todd is the author of a new book that is out called The State of Affairs.

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By the way, it's available out in the lobby today.

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I hope that you might pick up a copy of it.

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Todd is a Christian counselor in Roseville and does marriage counseling as well as other

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kinds of counseling.

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You may have heard him interviewed on WCCO and other radio and television stations in

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our region.

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Todd, you are a man who has done a lot of study on this theme and you have encountered

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it in your counseling practice.

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I am wondering what is it that leads people into this?

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What are the common factors that you see over and over again that cause Christians to fall

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into adultery?

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Because this is not a sin that is just out in the world.

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This is a sin, as you know, that is within the church of Jesus Christ.

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What are some of the things that you observe regarding the source of this?

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I think one of the things that is common for many of us is in terms of what can lead us

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into, especially that emotional form of adultery, is the attitude of our heart.

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I know that if I left this place today and on my way home I thought about all the things

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that my wife does that bothers me, she is going to have a long day and so am I.

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A lot of it starts there for us.

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I know myself, I get into that attitude of what isn't happening for me today.

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What needs isn't she meeting for me versus how can I bring out her best or how can I

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serve her today in Christ.

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So I think a guard on our heart from that attitude is really important because I see

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a lot of us that that is where Satan starts to get a foothold in our lives.

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A second thing is understanding our personality more.

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I know a lot of the people that I see will worship and feel great about their relationship

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with the Lord and go home and get into those same patterns in marriage that have always

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been there that are frustrating for them.

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I think some of it has to do with just not understanding our own personality very well

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and how it impacts the people we love.

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In my book I talk about controllers and pleasers a little bit.

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I think in marriage all of us fall a little bit into one or the other.

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Controllers like myself are a little bit more expressive.

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They say what's on their mind at the time.

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They're spontaneous.

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They know what they want when they want it and they usually know how to get it.

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They're fairly directive in marriage.

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They kind of direct things.

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Whereas pleasers are accommodating, they're nurturing, they're a good friend, they're

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loving, but sometimes they lack direction or end up being a little bit more easily controlled.

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So I think the take home message in that area for me anyway is as a controller I need to

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think before I speak.

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And the pleaser needs to talk, needs to say what's on their mind, needs to have their

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own voice.

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Which leads into the third area that I think is really important for all of us to guard

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against which can lead us into eventual emotional or physical adultery and that is our inability

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to handle our conflicts well and that dangerous emotion of anger.

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As a controller, in the scriptures you know it says in Ephesians, in your anger do not

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sin.

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So my interpretation of that is we're all going to get angry sometimes.

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But the key is for us not to sin in our anger.

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And as a controller I think I sin in my anger by what I say when I'm upset.

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How I hurt my wife, my kids.

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Whereas a pleaser I think they have to guard against what goes in and the resentment that

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can build and build and build.

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Until the wall is built up so high that they have lost track of their walk with the Lord,

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they've lost track of their love for their spouse.

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So those are the three areas I've seen that have been most common.

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Very briefly, a typical scenario that I talk about in my book, chapter six talks about

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an emotional affair, emotional adultery.

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Karen and John came in and they were eight years into marriage and Karen was getting

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very frustrated with what wasn't happening for her in marriage.

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And she started to spend quite a bit of time with the couple next door that her husband

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got involved with too.

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And she thought that the husband next door was a little bit more confident, a little

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bit more secure in himself, carried himself better.

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And she started to look at what wasn't happening for her.

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Now, praise God she came in because she saw the warning flags going up and she wanted

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to get help.

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But a lot of times those folks that see that, they don't want to get help.

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Satan is set in a foothold so much that they don't want to get help at that point.

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So those are three areas that I've seen that I think we have to guard against and that

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typically lead people into emotional or physical adultery.

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People don't plan to commit adultery normally.

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It sort of grows.

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It happens.

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There's this attraction.

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And then either emotionally or sexually, they're caught in a trap.

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Is it possible to get out of the trap?

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How do they recover from that?

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I think the most important thing that can happen, and it's wonderful as Christians that

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we know can happen, is when that person who's involved in adultery physically or emotionally

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develops a contrite and remorseful heart before God, goes right to God as their loving Father

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and says, I have sinned.

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Philip and Karen came into my office and Philip was a man caught in his third affair, a little

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more typical kind of personality style as you see in our president.

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And he came in because he was caught, but he wasn't sorry, really.

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Thankfully he used to know Jesus and he talked to a good friend of his who loves Christ who

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said to him, brother, I love you, but you are in sin and we've got to get you out of

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this.

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And so his ability to choose the right friend and that friend's ability to be a Nathan to

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David, to be a person that didn't say, well, that's okay, we all struggle and maybe God's

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calling you out of marriage.

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I mean, I don't agree with it, but I mean, there's so many people that do that, Galen.

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And so that, Philip's ability to first get his heart right before God and then rely on

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a friend or two that loves Christ to get him out of it was the key for him.

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Then his wife Karen could forgive because she really could tell that he was sorry, that

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there was true remorse.

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It's difficult to rebuild trust if the remorse of the adulterer isn't there.

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And then I think the things that help us from that point are if we can get to that place

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of remorse and we can get to that place of forgiveness, it gets to the place where I

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was talking about earlier is, I mean, it's a risk of sounding simplistic, Galen.

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One of the reasons in my opinion why the sins of the father carry down to the generation,

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the next generation, the next generation is that I know myself, I don't save my best for

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home.

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I save my best for God's house, which is great.

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Our first fruits go to the Lord.

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But we need to leave and save our best for home.

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Usually we save our best for work, for our friends, for other people.

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We don't save our best in the Lord for home.

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It's not about performance or guilt, but it's about that contrite heart before God and then

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to save our best for home.

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So you're saying children pick up those patterns, those attitudes?

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They do.

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I've got it.

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A lot of times people will say to me, well, I've got to spend about 30 hours alone with

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each of my kids this week.

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I don't know how I'm going to do that.

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And I've got to be involved in 10 activities each.

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And we've got to do all these things for our kids.

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And we have to.

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We have to love our children.

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But the best gift I can give my three daughters is for them to see an intimate, loving, Christ-centered

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relationship between my wife and I.

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That's the best legacy I can give them.

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Thanks, Todd.

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I'd like to continue the conversation, but I want to finish my sermon.

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It's very interesting to talk to you about this.

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And I commend you on your book, which is written, by the way, for not just for the Christian

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audience.

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And so Todd is very judicious in the way that he approaches the subject.

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And if you have a non-Christian friend who is involved in an affair or is moving in that

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direction, this will be a fine book to give to them, and it may help them to come to some

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understanding not only of their own lives, but of their need for the Lord.

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I've heard a lot of excuses, frankly, in my quarter of a century in ministry about justifying

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this breaking of this commandment, why it's okay for me to do this.

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I've heard people say, well, I married the wrong person, and therefore it's okay if I

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do this.

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I've heard people say, well, I deserve a little happiness in my life.

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And so often they have friends who are well-meaning but wrong-headed who will agree with them,

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yeah, you do deserve some happiness in your life.

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The problem is what they're doing is not going to lead them to happiness.

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A couple of times I've even heard the statement, well, I'm discipling this person.

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I'm really helping her come closer to God.

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So complete was the deception in the mind.

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What is really needed, of course, is to put away excuses and self-justifications to deeply

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repent of the affair, whether it's emotional or it's gone to the sexual stage, and then

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to seek help, pastoral help, counseling help, and then to recommit oneself to one's spouse

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and to the promises that were made before God.

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The very best defense against sexual sin begins with what you said, I believe, Todd, and that

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is by guarding our hearts.

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The writer of Proverbs says this.

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Let me read to you the verse.

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It says in Proverbs 4 verse 23, watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it

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flow the springs of life.

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Watch over your heart with all diligence.

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That has to do with our thought life, what we allow ourselves to think about.

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The fact is that any of us can be tempted to lust as part of the flesh that we live

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in and as part of our fallen world.

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But it's when you and I begin to allow those thoughts a place in our hearts and we treasure

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them up and we store them and we come back to them and we play with them that we begin

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to go down this road of the breaking of this commandment.

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And so we need to guard our hearts up front that our minds remain pure to the Lord.

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Today as we come to the Lord's table, it's fitting for us to examine our hearts in one

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other respect and that is with relation to the sin of spiritual adultery.

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We need to be aware of the sin of spiritual adultery.

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Listen to the words of James who says, You adulterous people, do you not know that friendship

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with the world is hostility toward God?

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Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

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Or do you think that the scripture speaks to no purpose, that he jealously desires the

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spirit which he has made to dwell in us, or that may be understood as the spirit he made

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to dwell in us, jealously desires us?

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And so he says, Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

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Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

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And it seems to me that right there is what adultery is all about.

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It's about double-mindedness.

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Whether it be in the human relationship realm or if it be in the spiritual realm, it's double-mindedness.

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And today as we come to the Lord's table, not only do we need to think of this commandment

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in terms of physical adultery, marital adultery, but we need to think of it in terms of spiritual

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adultery.

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And if there are those of us who have declared ourselves to be friends with the world, we

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need to recognize that that is adultery in the sight of God.

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And he says that our need is to confess and to cleanse our hands and to draw near to God.

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And so let us do that as we come to this table this morning and allow His Spirit to search

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us and to wash us from our adultery.

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That we might be a pure and chaste bride for the Lord.

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Let's pray together.

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Father, in coming to this table of the Lord where we remember the sacrifice of Jesus,

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I pray that you will shine the spotlight of the Spirit upon our hearts.

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And wherein we have become double-minded and we claim to love the Lord and yet love this

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present, passing world, bring us to repentance.

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Bring us to brokenness.

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Bring us to confession of our adultery, that we may be pure in our communion, in our fellowship

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with you and be of single heart and mind in loving Jesus.

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We partake of this bread asking you to work in our hearts to this end.

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Amen.

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This is my body.

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Christ for you.

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Eat it in remembrance of me.

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Lord Jesus, as we partake of the cup, we do it with gratitude for the blood that cleanses

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us from all sin.

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And wherein there may be agitation and conviction of your Spirit this morning within our hearts,

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may we come and find that cleansing that you have made available through your sacrifice.

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I hear the Savior sing, thy strength and need is known.

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Child of me, kiss all that you know, find in me thy name.

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Jesus, pay the bill, call to him now.

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Sin had left her crimson stain, they washed it white as snow.

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For nothing could have I whereby thy seeds to blame.

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I'll wash my garment's oil in the blood of Calvary's name.

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Jesus, pay the bill, call to him now.

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Sin had left her crimson stain, they washed it white as snow.

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My Jesus, I love you, I know thou.

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For thee all the fountains of sin I resolve.

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My gracious Redeemer, my Savior, my God.

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If ever my only light, Jesus, trust me.

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Our Lord said, This cup is the new covenant in my blood.

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Drink it as often as you do in remembrance of me.

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We have celebrated our Lord's death for us, but let us rejoice also in his resurrection,

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that he lives for us and he lives in us.

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This morning's message is a delicate one, but it may be that God has used this as a

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shot across the bow for someone who is here.

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And that God wants you to turn, I hope that you will do that, that you will avoid what

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could be ahead if you persist in the direction.

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I have a strong impression that this is the case this morning.

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And so I want to impress upon you once again, if this is a shot across your bow from God,

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you had better turn and better turn now.

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And avoid the destruction and the disaster that can be ahead in sin.

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You can begin by coming after the service if you wish or contacting us during the week

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and saying, Pastor, I need to talk with someone on the staff.

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We'll be glad to do that and arrange it to help you.

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Let's pray together.

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Oh, Spirit of God, I pray that you will not allow the conviction of this moment to escape

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any of us who need to hear your voice, who need to turn from sin, who have begun going

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down a road that is filled with danger and destruction and death.

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Oh, God, I pray that you will recover, that you will restore, that you will bring back

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to yourself, back to single-hearted devotion to yourself and to the spouses, those who

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have begun playing with sin.

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And I pray that as a result of that, you will work your salvation in ways that we could

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not imagine this morning, perhaps in saving souls, but certainly in saving families and

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saving marriages and saving homes and saving your glory.

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And so we commit to you this message and its impact upon our lives and our own individual

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response to it.

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In Christ's name, amen.