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I invite you to open your Bible to Proverbs chapter 6.

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As we think this morning about establishing family rules, nobody likes rules, but the

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fact is that nobody can live without rules.

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Can you imagine the Olympic Games without rules?

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Suppose there were no flags to set the boundaries, no clocks to establish the times.

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How would the winners and losers be told rules are necessary to play a game?

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To drive a car, to buy a home, to get a job, to go to school, to paint a wall, invest in

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the market, get a loan, marry a wife, join the army, write a poem, paint a picture, take

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a photograph, program a computer, make a telephone call, mail a letter, paint a flower, change

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your oil, you name it.

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Rules are a part of life.

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Almost everything involves learning to live with the rules.

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Learning about rules begins shortly after life begins.

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Even a baby has to learn to sleep through the night and to eat during the day.

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A person who thinks he can live without rules will potentially end up in a prison where

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every move will be regulated by rules.

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You see, to have genuine freedom, one must learn to appreciate rules and to learn to

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understand that they are a part of life for his good and for the good of all society.

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A society that loses its sense of rules and of responsibility to rules is a society that's

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on its way to destruction.

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A society will eventually reflect the majority of what its families teach.

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By purpose or precept, by neglect or by default, families teach children and children grow

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up to make up society.

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America today is quickly losing its respect for laws and personal accountability to laws.

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And for that reason, we are on a slide to destruction.

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The failure in our society is at its heart the failure of our society's families.

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I don't know any families that are aiming toward failure.

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That isn't built into the handbook.

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Yet the fact is that many families are coming unglued because of failure to instill values

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of respect, authority, rules and discipline in children.

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Establishing rules and discipline in a family is essential to its success.

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In the first few chapters of Proverbs, the writer is telling us about some important

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issues of life, giving us instruction as to how to live wisely.

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In this chapter, chapter 6, one of the themes is that of adultery.

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We're going to clip off the first few verses of this larger paragraph and focus today on

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the importance of rules.

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I'll begin reading in Proverbs 6 and verse 20.

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My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother.

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Bind them continually on your heart.

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Tie them around your neck.

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When you walk about, they will guide you.

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When you sleep, they will watch over you.

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And when you awake, they will talk to you.

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For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light.

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And reproofs for discipline are the way of life.

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The first thing I'd like to do this morning is to draw out from our text some general

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observations about family rules.

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Observation number one, rules work best in the context of relationship.

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You notice here it speaks to the son.

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On behalf of the father and the mother.

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Rules that are laid down without the context of relationship can become self-destructive.

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Rules work best in the context of relationship.

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The second general observation I want to make about rules is that rules in a family should

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be agreed upon by both father and mother.

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Notice it mentions the commandment of the father, the teaching of the mother.

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The implication being that both of them were involved in establishing these rules and they

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agreed upon them.

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Children know how to manipulate if mom and dad differ on family rules.

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The third observation is that rules should be grounded in reason.

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The commandment of the father, the teaching of the mother.

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Rules need to be laid down with a rational basis.

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And as much as possible children need to understand why rules exist.

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Not that they will always agree or always understand.

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But we as parents need to be able to rationally understand and then explain to children why

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rules are what they are.

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Rules just for the sake of rules serve no positive purpose in any context.

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There needs to be some teaching, some explanation, some reason for them.

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Now if children don't understand it doesn't mean that we should throw out the rules.

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There are times when kids cannot understand because of their age or will not understand

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because the rules do not accommodate their wishes.

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Yet the rules must stand and they must have a rational basis.

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We need to be open to hearing the response of our kids and their logic.

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That may help us to better define what the rules ought to be as we listen to what they

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say to us in response.

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There's a fourth observation I'd like to make about rules in general and that is that

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rules provide protection in life's journey.

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Notice it mentions that in our text.

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When you walk about they will guide you.

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When you sleep they will watch over you.

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Rules establish boundaries that are necessary for life.

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They keep us from getting injured, from getting sidetracked and off the beaten path.

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Rules are for our protection in life's journey which brings me to the fifth observation that

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rules navigate us toward a fulfilled life.

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It is by rules that we learn our basic value system.

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It is this value system that we learn as children through the rules of our parents that points

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us toward personal happiness and success.

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He mentions in verse 23, reproofs for discipline are the way of life.

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By the rules that are laid down and what we learn when we disobey the rules, we learn

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how to live in this world to be fulfilled and happy.

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And finally, the sixth observation is this, that rules engender values that take root

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in the heart.

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You see that's the goal of the parent, not trying to get our kids to conform externally

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to what we want of them.

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But to receive internally in the heart the value behind the rule.

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That's why the heart is emphasized in verse 21, bind them continually on your heart.

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We want our rules to move from the external to the internal.

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That's the goal in them.

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Now laying that foundation of the general observation about rules from the Word of God,

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I'd like to go on to talk about some specific guidelines for discipline.

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I hope that these will be helpful to you and I want to acknowledge up front that I cannot

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say in these few minutes everything that could be said about discipline.

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But I want to say some things that I hope will be important to you and helpful as well.

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Number one, discipline must be loving.

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Proverbs 312 says, when the Lord, whom the Lord loves, He reproves even as a father the

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son in whom He delights.

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Discipline must be in the context of love.

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Children must never be abusive.

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There is a contrast between discipline in the biblical sense and in the right sense

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and child abuse.

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Now in the day we're living in there's confusion about that in our society.

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As they talk about the rights of children, be very, very careful.

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They're saying that children should not be disciplined as the Bible says they should.

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However the Bible never condones child abuse, ever.

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Charles Swindoll in one of his books writes about the contrast between child abuse and

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child discipline.

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Abuse on the one hand is unfair and unexpected.

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It comes out of nowhere and strikes.

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Discipline is fair and expected because the rules have been laid down in advance and children

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know when they cross those rules.

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Abuse is degrading and demoralizing to a child.

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But discipline upholds the dignity of that young person.

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Abuse is extreme.

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It is too harsh.

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It is brutal.

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But discipline is balanced.

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It takes place within limits that are set.

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Abuse is torturous.

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It leaves scars behind that sometimes last for life.

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But discipline, though painful, leaves no scars.

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Abuse results from hatred and resentment.

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Discipline is prompted by parental love and concern for the children.

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Abuse creates terror, emotional damage, and resentment of authority.

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But discipline leads to healthy respect for authority in the child.

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Abuse destroys self-esteem.

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It leads to horrifying and permanent damage and the inability later in life to maintain

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responsibilities.

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But discipline strengthens self-esteem, leads to the individual's ability to later discipline

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himself.

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When we talk about discipline, let's remember it is never abusive.

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It is always loving.

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We are being told by some today that spanking is totally inappropriate, that it teaches

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children violence.

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Abusive spanking does.

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But proper spanking is necessary for children to learn discipline.

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Pain needs to be associated with wrong.

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But that pain needs to be properly applied, and God has provided a wonderful spot on the

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human body where there is padding for spankings.

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So that it does not injure the child, and yet there is some pain involved that the child

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can associate with the wrong that was done.

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And I should say too that that spanking should probably be a paddle.

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Proverbs talks about a rod, which pictures a terrifying thing to most of us, but that

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isn't the biblical idea.

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The idea in the Bible seems to be to cause the pain to be associated with something else

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than your hand.

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Slapping a child in the face is never right.

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Hitting a child in the back is not right.

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And even spankings, when done in love, need to be applied best, I think, with a paddle.

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And then when the discipline has been applied, it needs to be followed by words of correction

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and teaching, as well as words of reassurance of the parent's love for the child.

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The second guideline I'd like to lay before you today for discipline in the home is that

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discipline needs to aim to shape the will.

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The will is the battleground.

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Discipline ought never to be geared to crush the spirit of the child.

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To extinguish that self-confidence that is so important for later in life.

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Rather discipline is geared toward the will.

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To bring the will into subjection to authority.

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To teach the child a servant's heart.

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To be submissive in spirit.

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But discipline ought never to put out that light that is down deep inside the child that

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represents that child's identity as a created person by God.

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Discipline aims to shape the will.

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The spirit of a man can endure sickness, but a broken spirit, who can bear?

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Let not our discipline ever cross that line where we crush and we break the spirit of

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our children.

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The third guideline for discipline in the home is that discipline should be age appropriate.

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Discipline needs to begin when the child is young in Proverbs 22 and verse 15.

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It says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.

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The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

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And it needs to be removed far from him.

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So we begin early in childhood to discipline children, but let's understand that expectations

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need to vary with the age.

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We certainly expect more out of a toddler than a small baby.

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And we expect more out of a child than a toddler, and more out of a teenager than a child.

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Expectations vary and so do methods of discipline.

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God may work at one age, will not work at another.

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Discipline is a process and it has an ultimate goal.

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That goal is that day when we will release the child to independent living of a godly

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life.

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When we let the child go to live wisely and with self-discipline, because the rules that

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we have laid down and the discipline that we have taught have been brought internally

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into the heart so that the child is able to function in this world.

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Discipline needs to be age appropriate.

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Fourth, discipline should focus on the natural consequences.

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There's a chapter in the book Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Klein and Jim Fay

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that is entitled Children's Mistakes are Their Opportunities.

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We usually think of their mistakes as problems for them or problems for us as parents.

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But Fay and Klein correctly point out that actually children's mistakes are their opportunities.

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As they make mistakes and the consequences come, they learn.

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Kevin Lehman, popular author, calls this reality discipline.

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In his book Measuring Up, he says, what you are striving for with reality discipline is

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getting your child to see and understand what he has done wrong, offering him an opportunity

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to repent of his actions and seeing to it that he knows he has been dealt with fairly.

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You must remember that you're not punishing your child nor are you simply trying to make

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him toe the mark.

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Instead, what you're out to do is to help your child become a responsible adult who

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will exercise realistic self-control and self-discipline.

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He goes on to warn against authoritarian parenting, saying it seldom works.

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It's not fair for the children involved.

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It's not fair for the parents who feel personally responsible for making sure that their children

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toe the line in everything they do.

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A child who's reared in this sort of environment may seem to walk the straight and narrow,

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but he's doing it out of fear, not because he's learned responsibility and knows what's

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best for him.

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He goes on to say that the best way for a child to learn is through reality discipline,

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letting the child understand realities in life, not protecting him from the reality

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that discipline comes when we do wrong.

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To illustrate his point, Lehman talks about a boy named Bobby who's 10 years old.

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He's one of those boys who never comes the first time he's called.

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Now, I pick out this illustration because it has no application to families in our church.

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Bobby, dinner's ready, Mom says. Nothing happens.

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Five minutes later, Bobby, I said dinner's ready, please come to the table.

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And still nothing happens.

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Another five minutes pass.

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The food gets cold.

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There's no sign of Bobby.

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Only the blips and the bleeps from the computer game emanating from his room.

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Bobby, get yourself in here right now.

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And with that, Bobby knows that you mean business.

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And so he turns off the computer game and comes to the table.

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Only by this time, you're ticked off.

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And dinner time is going to be anything but pleasant.

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And so Lehman says, use some reality discipline.

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Bobby should be called once to come to the table.

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If Bobby doesn't show up, Mom and Dad should go ahead and eat.

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And when Bobby finally wanders into the kitchen, he's surprised to find Mom and Dad already

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clearing the dishes from the table.

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Oh, I'm sorry, Bobby.

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But I called you to dinner and you didn't come.

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We finished eating and so if you're hungry, feel free to help yourself.

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Or if he comes 10 minutes late to the meal, you say, Bobby, I'm sorry, you're just going

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to have to wait until the rest of us are through eating.

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If you want something, you may fix it yourself later.

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You see, what happens in a case like that is the child learns that your word means something.

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And also learns from reality that he can be hungry and may have to wait when he doesn't

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come to the dinner, as called.

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Reality discipline is talking about consequences.

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One should focus on the natural consequences.

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Guideline number five, discipline for defiance, not for childishness.

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It's important to understand the distinction here.

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For example, children who cry, I should say a baby who cries in a church service, should

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be taken out but not disciplined.

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However, a toddler who fusses and doesn't learn to sit still may well need to be disciplined.

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Because a baby doesn't understand defiance.

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But there comes a point when a toddler understands it very, very well.

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We have to accept the fact that children forget.

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Children spill, they get dirty, they fall down.

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All of that is a part of growing up.

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It's childishness.

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But deliberate disobedience is not childishness, nor is it cute.

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All you have to do is to talk to the teachers in our church who deal with children in the

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public schools to understand that children today are defiant.

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Defiant of authority because of failure in our homes.

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Talk to clerks in stores who have to deal with children to understand that today we're

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dealing with a defiant generation.

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And they learn it on television, in the sitcoms, and the cartoons that we allow to babysit

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them.

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We must learn to discipline defiance even as we accept childishness on the part of our

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children.

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Talk to the youth workers in our church if you want to hear about defiance.

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Or talk to our Sunday school teachers who from time to time have defiance in their classrooms.

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And I want you to know that our workers here at the church are expected to discipline children

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who are defiant.

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To do that with your approval.

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And sometimes it may be necessary to bring them to you to let you discipline them if

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they're defiant.

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Defiance cannot be accepted in the home, in the church, or in society.

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It must be disciplined.

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Dennis Waite, who is a popular speaker and author, tells the story about Bradford the

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Barbarian, whom he encountered in one of his weekend ministries.

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He says, in my parenting and leadership seminars, I tell a true story about a young couple who

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invited me to their home for dinner some time ago after an all-day program at a university.

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This man and woman, both highly intelligent with advanced degrees, had opted for a child-centered

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home.

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So their five-year-old son Bradford would have everything at his disposal to become

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a winner out there in the competitive world.

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When I arrived at their driveway in front of a fashionable two-story Tudor house at

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the end of a cul-de-sac, I should have known what was in store for me.

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I stepped on his ET doll getting out of the car and was greeted by, watch where you're

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walking or you'll have to buy me a new one.

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Entering the front door, I instantly discovered that this was Bradford's house, not his parents'.

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The furnishings, it appeared, were originally of fine quality.

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I thought I recognized an Ethan Allen piece that had suffered the wrath of con.

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We attempted to have a cup of hot cider in the family room, but Bradford was busy running

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his new Intellivision controls.

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Trying to find a place to sit down was like hopping on one foot through a minefield blindfolded.

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Bradford got to eat first in the living room so he wouldn't be lonely.

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I nearly dropped my hot cup in my lap in surprise when they brought out a high chair that was

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designed like an aircraft ejection seat with four legs and straps.

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I secretly visualized a 20-millimeter cannon shell strapped to a skyrocket under the seat

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with a short fuse.

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He was five years old and had to be strapped in a high chair to get through one meal.

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As we started our salads in the dining room, which was an open alcove adjoining the living

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room, young Bradford dumped his dinner on the carpet and proceeded to pour his milk

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on top of it to ensure that the peas and carrots would go down deep into the shag fibers.

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His mother pleaded, Bradford, honey, don't do that.

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Mommy wants you to grow up strong and healthy like Daddy.

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I'll get you some more dinner while Daddy cleans up your mess.

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While they were occupied with their chores, Bradford had unfastened his seat belts, scrambled

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down from his perch and joined me in the dining room, helping himself to my olives.

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I think you should wait for your own dinner, I said politely, removing his hand from my

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salad bowl.

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He swung his leg up to kick me in the knee, but my old-fashioned ex-pilot reflexes didn't

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fail me and I crossed my leg so quickly that he missed, came off his feet and came down

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hard on the floor in the seat of his pants.

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You'd have thought he was at the dentist's office.

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He screamed and ran to his mother sobbing, he hit me.

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When his parents asked what happened, I calmly informed them that he had fallen accidentally

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and that besides, I'd never hit the head of a household.

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I knew it was time to be on my way when they put Prince Valiant to bed.

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By placing granola cookies on the stairs as enticers, he ate his way up to bed.

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How are you ever going to motivate him to go to school, I asked quietly.

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Oh, I'm sure we'll come up with something, they laughed.

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Yes, but what if the neighborhood dogs eat what you put out?

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He concludes by saying, I asked the Lord for forgiveness for not remaining silent as I

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drove back to the airport.

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Young Bradford's need attention of discipline.

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And finally, discipline with consistency.

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That's the hard one, isn't it, for a lot of us?

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To show the same values and principles day in and day out.

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And to consistently model what we're teaching our children in our own lives.

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Oh, but someone says, I'm afraid my child will question my love if I discipline him.

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But on the contrary, the Bible says that your discipline confirms your love.

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From the Lord loves, he chastens, just as a father, his son, in whom he delights.

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Charles Wendall says, when you care enough to set healthy limits, take time to enforce

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the rules and model the things you expect.

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Children grow up much happier and more secure than those who are given virtually free reign.

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Numerous tests have proven that well-loved, yet justly disciplined children are healthier

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and they mature to be more productive, secure adults than those raised in ultra-permissive

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environments.

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Thus the importance of establishing family rules.

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I hope we've laid out today some groundwork that may help you in your task as a parent

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to do that.

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And let's remind ourselves that as we discipline our children, we are actually following the

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model of our Heavenly Father, who as our Heavenly Parent disciplines us because he delights

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in us.

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And as we follow his model, then surely our children will learn what it means to respect

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authority and to internalize values that will guide them safely and successfully through

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life and into the Kingdom of God.

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Let's pray.

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With our heads bowed, I wonder if there may be someone here who has been spanked by God

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this last week.

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Yes, God takes us through situations that are like spankings, discipline.

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And he does it because he loves us.

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Let's not pout about what God is doing.

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Let's not rebel against his discipline.

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Let us never be defiant.

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But rather learn to be submissive and accept the discipline of God, for it's for our own

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good.

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Father, I pray that you will continue to discipline us as your family, as your beloved children.

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Teach us to submit to your discipline and to learn what we need to from it.

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And for those of us who are parents, may we learn to likewise discipline the children

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you've put into our homes in a way that will please you and benefit them.

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In Jesus' name.

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The Lord said, I will show my greatness.