1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Hello! 2 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,000 Hello! 3 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,000 Welcome back to another episode of Diagnosing a Killer, the Minty Breaky. 4 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,000 I'm Coelle. 5 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,000 I'm Minty Breaky. 6 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,000 I'm Kenna. 7 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:28,000 Hi! 8 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:33,000 Good to see you. 9 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,000 I hope everybody's having a good new year so far. 10 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,000 Yeah. 11 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,360 We're excited to be back every Monday with you guys. 12 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,760 Yes, that's really exciting. 13 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:41,840 We definitely took a long break. 14 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,460 It was well deserved and I think it really helped us kind of get everything prepared 15 00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:50,560 for this year, but we're really excited to be back twice a week and to have people call 16 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,200 us crazy for doing 12 episodes a week. 17 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:56,000 And I also have an Associates of Science under my belt at this point now. 18 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,000 There we go. 19 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,000 I know. 20 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,000 Well, I'm leaving my bachelors and forensics. 21 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,000 That's so exciting. 22 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,800 Yeah, we're doing some good things going into number three, year number three of the podcast. 23 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:06,800 Yeah. 24 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:11,000 Isn't it weird that when I started school, COVID happened? 25 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,000 That is weird. 26 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,000 I didn't get my bachelors until 2021. 27 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,000 Yeah. 28 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,000 Isn't that weird? 29 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,000 It is really weird. 30 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:22,200 Kind of like halted and then there was a lot of stress that happened and then it was 31 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,200 like effort. 32 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,400 I'm just going to take my time. 33 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,400 COVID's been four years now. 34 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,400 No. 35 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,400 Yeah, it's 2020. 36 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,400 So it's starting. 37 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:31,400 2020. 38 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,400 Yeah, that's well. 39 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,000 Yeah, because I guess the shutdown would have been March 2020. 40 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,000 Yeah. 41 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,000 Oh, that's so weird. 42 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,000 That's crazy. 43 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,000 Oh, strange. 44 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,600 Well, either way, we're happy to be back with you guys. 45 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,120 Please continue to check out our new merch designs. 46 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,680 We have a couple that are available shortwise and cozy wise. 47 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,680 Let us know if you guys want us to do anything specific. 48 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,000 We can absolutely do that for you. 49 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,600 And then of course, those order forms are on the Instagram. 50 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,080 Yes, on the link tree. 51 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,720 And there's also bracelets, custom bracelets. 52 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,500 Give us an idea of what you're looking for. 53 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:02,680 And we will, of course, if you haven't heard before, we hand make everything now. 54 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,080 We do not go through a third party company to do that. 55 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:11,040 That just allows us to connect more with you guys, honestly, because this is something 56 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:14,960 that we made, handmade in the comfort of our living room. 57 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:15,960 Living room. 58 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:16,960 In kitchen, sometimes. 59 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:17,960 In kitchen. 60 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,200 A little bit of all over. 61 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:25,440 But yeah, it's definitely more of a direct connection with y'all, which I love. 62 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:26,440 Definitely. 63 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,440 Yeah. 64 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,520 Well, speaking of two episodes per week, this is, like you said, our mental breakdown. 65 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,800 And I'm really anxious to hear what you have for us. 66 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:33,960 I miss these. 67 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,960 This is kind of my birthday episode, because by the time this comes out, it'll be like 68 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:37,960 a few days before my birthday. 69 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:38,960 There we go. 70 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:39,960 I know. 71 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:40,960 Birthday girl. 72 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:41,960 Are you ready? 73 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,840 Yes, I am so ready. 74 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:45,840 Let's go. 75 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,840 Today, we're going to be talking about gaslighting. 76 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:50,840 Oh, okay. 77 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:51,840 Right? 78 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,840 I was really hoping you weren't going to say the topic that I already reached. 79 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,840 She doesn't really hate that. 80 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:57,840 Damn it. 81 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,720 Who was that? I think it was Kemper, right? 82 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:01,720 Yeah. 83 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:02,720 Oh my gosh. 84 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:03,720 I was going to do that. 85 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:04,720 No. 86 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:05,720 Yes, gaslighting. 87 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,720 A very commonly used word nowadays. 88 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:10,720 Yeah. 89 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:11,720 For sure. 90 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,720 A lot of times, people don't, I mean, even sometimes people are like, what does that 91 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:14,720 even mean, you know, today? 92 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:15,720 Right. 93 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:16,720 So we're going to talk about it. 94 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:17,720 There we go. 95 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:18,720 Content warning. 96 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:23,360 Given the topic at hand, this episode may contain inflammatory content and verbiage. 97 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,120 If this episode is not for you, we encourage you to check out another one of our episodes. 98 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,160 Remember that you are mental health is very important to us and we love you. 99 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,160 Love you. 100 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,160 Love you. 101 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,160 Bye. 102 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,160 So yes, gaslighting. 103 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,160 Okay. 104 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,160 Let's get into it. 105 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,160 Are you sure you know what that means? 106 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,560 I'm going to define it right now. 107 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:39,560 You don't know what that means, though. 108 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:40,560 Me? 109 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,560 Obviously, you don't know what that means. 110 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,560 I have no idea what. 111 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:43,560 Clearly. 112 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:44,560 Gaslighting. 113 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,560 Oh. 114 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,560 Oh. 115 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,560 You're so good at that. 116 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:48,560 Oh, shut up. 117 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:49,560 Don't say that. 118 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:54,920 Gaslighting is defined by psychology today as, quote, an insidious form of manipulation 119 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,480 and psychological control. 120 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:01,680 Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that 121 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:06,080 leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. 122 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:10,840 They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. 123 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:15,560 Over time, a gaslighter's manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it 124 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,200 increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth, end quote. 125 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,600 So scary because like, I don't know about you, but like, I've definitely been gaslighting 126 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,680 for it and it worked and I was like, oh my god, I'm fucking crazy. 127 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,560 And you don't even know that it's happening while it's happening. 128 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,560 Yeah, you don't. 129 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:33,520 You have to like really know honestly about it to like catch it in the act. 130 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:39,000 According to an article by NewportInstitute.com, 10 signs you may be experiencing gaslighting 131 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:44,000 are that the perpetrator, number one, lies or denies something and refuses to admit 132 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,960 the lie even when you show them proof. 133 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,040 Oh, god, I hate that. 134 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:49,040 Oh, that's worst. 135 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,720 Like I'm showing you the receipts right here and you're still lying. 136 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:53,880 I'm like, no, no, no, that's wrong. 137 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:54,880 That wasn't me. 138 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:55,880 That wasn't me. 139 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:56,880 Someone else took my phone. 140 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:57,880 Oh, you're taking that out of context. 141 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:58,880 Yeah. 142 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:03,640 Two, insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and you're remembering 143 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:04,640 it wrong. 144 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,640 Oh, that's the worst. 145 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,120 Oh, all these are the worst. 146 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,120 You must just be crazy. 147 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,120 Yeah. 148 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,120 You're remembering wrong. 149 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,120 Exactly. 150 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,120 That is not what I said. 151 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,120 What do you just make stuff up? 152 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,120 You just made that up. 153 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,120 Oh. 154 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:19,640 I'm going to be disgusted this whole episode. 155 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,400 Three, spreading rumors and gossip about you or telling you that other people are gossiping 156 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:24,640 about you, which is interesting. 157 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,280 You're like, oh my god, I heard from someone said, blah, blah, blah. 158 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:34,240 Well, it's also like, if they tell you that someone else is talking about you, then they're 159 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,240 gaining your trust. 160 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,240 Yeah. 161 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,640 Because I'm telling you that what I heard and I defended you. 162 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:39,640 Yeah. 163 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,640 Does that mean nothing to you? 164 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:41,640 Ah. 165 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,640 You're changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other 166 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,640 gas-slip behavior? 167 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:52,920 It's like plugging your ears. 168 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,880 I'm not even going to listen to you. 169 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:59,240 Changing the subject though, definitely been in a few relationships where it's like, I 170 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:04,600 am voicing my concern or opinion about something and this person just starts talking about 171 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:05,600 something else. 172 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:09,600 Or they try to go all the way around the topic so that you focus on something else other 173 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,480 than the original point that you were mad about. 174 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,360 Well, you did that, but you know what really upset me when you did this? 175 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,360 Yeah, of course. 176 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,360 Like, deflecting the point. 177 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,080 Like, I'm going to start a little fire over here so you don't see the burning building 178 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,760 on this side. 179 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:25,160 Five, telling you that you're overreacting when you called them out. 180 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,160 Ugh. 181 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,160 Yeah. 182 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,320 I'm going to do it every time I say it. 183 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:35,640 Number six, blame shifting in relationships, also known as maybe saying that if you acted 184 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,720 differently, they would treat you differently. 185 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,360 It's your faults that you're being treated this way. 186 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,880 Yeah, for sure. 187 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:46,320 Number seven, trying to smooth over things with loving words that don't match their actions. 188 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,360 It sounds a lot like narcissism as well. 189 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,360 Oh, yeah. 190 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,360 Just like narcissistic tendencies. 191 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,880 Like, I'm going to act like a complete jerk and then I'm going to like love bomb you. 192 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:54,880 Oh, for sure. 193 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:59,520 I love that you said that term because we will talk about that. 194 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,280 Number eight, twisting the story to minimize their abusive behavior. 195 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:07,040 Number nine, minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, it was 196 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,560 just a joke or you're way too sensitive. 197 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:09,560 Oh my gosh. 198 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,080 You're just hand in hand with the overreacting, right? 199 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:12,080 Yeah, I was just joking. 200 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,080 God, take a joke. 201 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,720 Why can't you take a joke? 202 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:20,240 Number 10, separating you from your friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting 203 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,880 abuse symptoms. 204 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,080 Okay. 205 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:28,280 So the term gaslighting actually comes from a thrilling play from 1938 titled Gaslight 206 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:34,640 that was eventually adapted into a movie in 1940 and then again in 1944 called Gaslight. 207 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:39,040 The film shows a couple, Paula and Gregory, who move into a home together and slowly but 208 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,880 surely Paula begins to believe that she's losing her mind. 209 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:48,680 Things become misplaced, notably a brooch, which she is berated by her partner for losing. 210 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:53,200 She begins to hear creaking upstairs and at some point she believes the house's gas lights 211 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,440 had begun to dim. 212 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:59,840 Paula is told by her partner Gregory that she's crazy and becoming unhinged. 213 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:03,520 The creaking was actually Gregory while he was walking around upstairs but tells her 214 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,000 that she's just hearing things. 215 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,000 Oh my God. 216 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:10,600 Gregory himself had been dimming the house lights and in the movie's climax the brooch 217 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,240 is actually found in Gregory's own desk drawer. 218 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,960 Ooh, I got the heave. 219 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:17,960 I got the heave. 220 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:22,760 And it sounds like such a, it was honestly probably one of the first psychological thriller 221 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:23,760 movies. 222 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:24,760 It kind of sounds like a good movie. 223 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:25,760 It kind of does. 224 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:26,760 Oh gosh. 225 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,320 When it happens in real life it's completely fucking messed up. 226 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:33,280 This movie totally sets the example that this type of behavior is cruel and sinister and 227 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,680 after all it was one of the first psychological thrillers. 228 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:41,800 This film is accredited for again giving that term gas lighting as we know today. 229 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,560 Gas lighting behavior knows no limits of the kind of relationships it can affect. 230 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:49,520 Whether it's a romantic relationship, friendship, parent-child relationship, and even in the 231 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:54,640 workplace gas lighting is the product of a power dynamic within the relationship stretching 232 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:59,000 out into race, gender, economic status, and a number of other social inequalities. 233 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:05,000 Yeah, and it's really scary because honestly like gas lighting in my opinion is not like 234 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,000 a skill. 235 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,480 Like I feel like anybody can do it. 236 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,760 Even if they don't know what they're doing at first they will get reinforced by that 237 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,960 behavior working and then they'll do it more often and they'll become better at it. 238 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:20,840 And that's really scary because like it's not like someone could do it without even 239 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,760 like being sinister or trying to be manipulative and then realize like oh that kind of worked 240 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,360 I'm gonna keep doing that. 241 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,240 But if anybody can do it and anybody can be a victim of it, which is really scary. 242 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,240 That is scary. 243 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,960 So you're saying like not everyone knows that they're being the gas lighter? 244 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:33,960 Yeah, I think so. 245 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,840 I mean in some situations at least on at first. 246 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:42,400 But I also will say like when it does happen and it happens really, really often and negatively 247 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:46,920 it's like extremely detrimental to the person that's being gas lit because it's almost 248 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:52,320 like it turns into I don't want to compare but similarly to maybe an abusive relationship, 249 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:56,560 physically abusive or maybe not physically but emotionally abusive or verbally abusive 250 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,920 you know that person starts to believe that they have no choice. 251 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,880 This is the only person that's on my side. 252 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:04,600 I can't leave because what they're telling me like I can obviously only trust them right 253 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,280 and that's what they alienate like the family and all that stuff too which is horrible. 254 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,440 It's true all of a sudden you look around yourself and you realize you're being isolated 255 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,800 and you don't know how you got there. 256 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,480 And it's like helped along the way. 257 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,480 Exactly. 258 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,160 It's even a scarier form of abuse because it's very hard to tell like especially when 259 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,240 you're not when you're in it you know you can't really tell what they just want the 260 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,240 best for me. 261 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,240 Right. 262 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,240 And I am crazy they're just trying to help me. 263 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,840 And any opposition is met with a lot of resistance so it's almost like well I don't 264 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,520 want to say anything because I don't want to ruffle feathers just for the sake of ruffling 265 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,200 feathers because I've been conditioned or convinced after the fact that I shouldn't 266 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,200 even brought it up. 267 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,200 Yeah. 268 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,000 Clearly I'm in the wrong. 269 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,960 Typically gas lighting and relationships tends to happen when two types of participants 270 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,000 meet. 271 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,920 One participant in the relationship tends to see the other person's perspective while 272 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,400 the other negates the other perspective entirely. 273 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,400 Which is interesting. 274 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,400 Yeah that's interesting. 275 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,920 One person is all perspective. 276 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,640 One person is like my perspective, your perspective, his perspective. 277 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:02,640 Yeah I'm really trying. 278 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,720 And one person's like oh none of those perspectives matter. 279 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:06,720 Isn't that ugh. 280 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:07,720 Yeah. 281 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,520 And they're actively trying to negate your perspective. 282 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,520 Yeah no that's pretty wild. 283 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,960 I don't know why this made me think of it but it reminds me of when mom says like you 284 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,920 know the term is there's two sides to every story but mom says no there's three sides 285 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:19,920 to every story. 286 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,200 That's what he says, she says and then there's what actually happens. 287 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,200 Because a lot of the time people aren't going to tell you the full truth. 288 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,200 It's true. 289 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,200 It's true something. 290 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,200 It's somewhere in the middle. 291 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,200 Yeah. 292 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,800 This dismissal can come in many forms such as calling the victims irrational when expressing 293 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,360 their feelings or insisting that they're wrong in their perceptions which we talked 294 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:36,960 about the perception. 295 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:41,680 For a term that we regularly use in our society today there are actually very little sociology 296 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,640 studies around the subject of gas lighting. 297 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,240 So psychology has decided to pick up the baton. 298 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,600 That's interesting because I feel like it should be sociology forward. 299 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,600 Right. 300 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,960 You would think so because it's about how people interact with each other. 301 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,360 And it can happen not just in relationships but anywhere. 302 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:57,360 Anywhere. 303 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,480 It can happen literally anywhere. 304 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:04,880 A deep dive analysis was done by William Klein, Sherri Lee, and Suzanne Wood tackling the 305 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:09,840 topic with a study of survivors of gaslighting in romantic relationships. 306 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:15,360 The participants were aged 18 to 69, 14 who identified as males, and 48 who identified 307 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,360 as females. 308 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,960 Damn, your research paper, look at you. 309 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:18,960 I know, right? 310 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,280 43 of those participants identified as heterosexual as well. 311 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:26,080 And the abject portion of the report states, quote, 312 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:31,360 Gaslighting occurs within relationships that are typified by a combination of affectionate 313 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:36,040 and abusive behaviors extended over the course of a relationship. 314 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:41,520 Gaslighting victimization was associated with a diminished sense of self, mistrust of others, 315 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,360 and on occasion, post-traumatic growth. 316 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:48,240 Those who recovered from gaslighting often emphasize the importance of separation from 317 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,920 the perpetrator, prioritization of healthier relationships, and engaging in meaningful 318 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,520 and re-embodying activities. 319 00:12:55,520 --> 00:13:00,400 This study provides a basis for further research into gaslighting and recovering from gaslighting, 320 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,400 which will contribute to the prevention and treatment of this type of abuse, end quote. 321 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,400 Damn. 322 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:10,000 So the participants filled out a survey, and the findings were that 51% of the reported 323 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:16,600 perpetrators identified as males, 55 identified as heterosexual, and 48 were Caucasian. 324 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:23,280 25 were considered liberal, 12 conservative, and 17 as unaffiliated political orientations. 325 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:28,880 But perhaps most surprising that these cases were in relationships that lasted for at least 326 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,520 two years or more. 327 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:31,520 Really? 328 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,280 With 29 of the participants saying that their relationships lasted longer than that amount 329 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,280 of time. 330 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,960 That's interesting, but it brings up my point. 331 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:41,240 Like I said earlier, people may not know that they're doing it at first, and then they realize 332 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:44,080 that it works, and then they feel like they have the power and the relationship, they 333 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,600 keep going with it, and it gets easier and easier with them to manipulate their partner, 334 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,320 thus their partner staying with them for a longer period of time. 335 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:51,320 Right. 336 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,040 It's almost like the relationship becomes codependent at that point, because they've 337 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:57,080 now successfully probably isolated this person. 338 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:01,480 And then the victim has no other choice but to stay with that person. 339 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,480 Yeah, absolutely. 340 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,920 That's really interesting. 341 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,840 The study also concluded that there are four common behavioral patterns that existed in 342 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,040 gaslighting relationships. 343 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:14,760 Love bombing, isolating the survivor, the perpetrator's unpredictability, and cold 344 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:15,760 shouldering. 345 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:16,760 Cold shouldering? 346 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,160 Right, I know. 347 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,840 So like you said earlier, the first one is love bombing. 348 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:26,280 This does not include what someone considered to be the honeymoon phase of a relationship. 349 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:30,680 Love bombing occurs at any point of the relationship and is beyond what would be considered a typical 350 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,520 behavior in certain circumstances. 351 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,680 One participant of the study wrote, quote, the start of the relationship was intense 352 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,040 in terms of an emotional intimacy. 353 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:44,360 We shared many details of our emotions and traumas very early, some even on the first 354 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,160 date, end quote. 355 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,960 Another participant wrote, quote, at the beginning of the relationship, both parties were bending 356 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,640 over backwards for each other, end quote. 357 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:56,480 A third saying, quote, he said he loved me in three days. 358 00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:01,240 It was a bit of a red flag, but I was so swept up by him, he was quite charming, end quote. 359 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:05,120 Are these all examples of love bombing or are these non-examples of love bombing? 360 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:10,560 These are what the participants wrote about their experiences of love bombing, yes. 361 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:14,600 And a fourth said, quote, he continued to shower me with expensive gifts like jewelry, 362 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,800 flowers, and dinners, end quote. 363 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,480 So again, it's kind of like love bombing. 364 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:22,360 These are there, I'm gonna, throughout this whole study talk, I'm gonna talk about all 365 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,360 these participants. 366 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:24,720 Yeah, and yeah. 367 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:29,920 For sure, I was thinking, I mean the way that that sounds to me, you know, being in a relationship, 368 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,400 thankfully that's not like this, I would think that that just sounds like a honeymoon 369 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:39,280 phase, but given that these are examples of love, or gaslighting relationships, it makes 370 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,680 sense that they would think like, oh, those were the first signs of the red flag. 371 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:43,680 Yeah, for sure. 372 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:50,360 And I think that most of these occurrences are likely to happen when they're, again, 373 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:55,560 like there's a bit of discourse or maybe this person is new to the relationship and 374 00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,280 because they're new to the relationship, they'd kind of want to lock this person in by being 375 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,960 overly affectionate or overly doting. 376 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,560 For sure, and then buying a bunch of stuff as well. 377 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,800 Love bombing's purpose is to convince their partner of forgiving them for their current 378 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:14,200 and future behavior and simultaneously making the survivors feel indebted to the perpetrator, 379 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:21,520 almost ensuring a lengthier relationship. 380 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:26,520 At plant therapy, safety and education are at the heart of everything they do. 381 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:31,320 In addition to offering pure, high quality essential oils, natural body care products 382 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:36,160 and CBD, they want to give you the tools and know how so that you can safely use essential 383 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,740 oils. 384 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:42,840 Plant therapy is also dedicated to giving back to the community, both locally and globally, 385 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:47,360 so they can have as many positive impacts on as many people as possible. 386 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,840 Click the link in our show notes today and check out their oil of the month as well as 387 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:57,440 some free goodies. 388 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:02,840 Social isolation, which is number two, serves many purposes for the perpetrator of gaslighting. 389 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:07,200 The survivor has no other forms of social avenues, making the survivor dependent on 390 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,320 the perpetrator for social needs. 391 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:13,560 It also allows the perpetrator to abscond from accountability of their actions. 392 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:18,200 They can continue to re-victimize their survivor without the prying eyes of others. 393 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,880 The perpetrator also maintains control of the victim as they continue to manipulate them 394 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,440 into thinking that they're going mad, ensuring that the victim will not reach out to others 395 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:36,080 in an attempt to get help. 396 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:41,160 One participant stated, quote, he had a distaste for my friend's opinions and questioned my 397 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:46,680 friendships and quote, he made me dependent on him, talked poorly about me to all of my 398 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,680 friends until I was left to only rely on him. 399 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:57,200 He made me feel absolutely insane and quote, I'd cancel plans with friends constantly because 400 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,720 he would get jealous. 401 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:02,360 He did the same thing to my closest friends and family until no one reached out to me 402 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:06,400 anymore and quote, and then it's awful too because it's like on the other side of things 403 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,160 that you don't really know what's going on in that relationship and you're like, fuck 404 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,360 that I don't want to hand with so and so, you know what I mean? 405 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:15,000 But you don't realize that like your girlfriend or your sister or whatever is being manipulated. 406 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,000 Right. 407 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,520 And I feel like I've been in situations like that too before where I'm just like, oh, 408 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,600 well, like, I guess they don't want to hang out with me as much or whatever it is. 409 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,640 And like, well, her boyfriend said that they've just been really busy and so, oh, that's so 410 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,240 scary because you don't even know that you're being manipulated by the manipulator who's 411 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,240 manipulating your friend. 412 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,240 Yeah. 413 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:39,920 Oh, quote, about a week in he had isolated me from my friends and that same week he told 414 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,400 me that he loved me. 415 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:45,560 He told me horrible things that my friends were doing and saying about me behind my back. 416 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:49,720 About a week later, the only friend that he had allowed me to see stayed over at his house 417 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:57,400 and in his bed, he called me insane and unreasonable and quote, okay, right? 418 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,400 What the fuck? 419 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,800 Like he's like, oh, only she can come over. 420 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,080 But you know, like we're going to hang out a little later into the evening. 421 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,080 But you know what? 422 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,080 You're tired. 423 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,080 You should go to bed. 424 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,080 You should probably have work in the morning. 425 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:13,200 So the next one is number three, perpetrator unpredictability. 426 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,320 This consists of not knowing what your partner will do next. 427 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:20,960 This is a form of emotional control that aims to keep the victim confused and uncertain. 428 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:21,960 And concerned. 429 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,800 Yeah, absolutely. 430 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:28,520 One participant's example of this was, quote, argument started for seemingly no reason, 431 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:32,880 switching rapidly and becoming extremely affectionate and sexual the next, end quote. 432 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:33,880 Eww. 433 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:38,080 Another's experience being, quote, she stopped talking to me out of nowhere with no explanation 434 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:43,200 and after we spent very little into a very intimate night and day together, a couple 435 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:47,520 months into the relationship, she would continuously pop in and out of my life, expecting me to 436 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,760 be okay with this and serve her needs and quote. 437 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,760 Eww. 438 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,160 So yeah, it's essentially where they are. 439 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:56,800 I don't know if it's here, she or they, the participants saying that, you know, that 440 00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:01,320 she again would, I guess give silent treatment, which is one that we'll see in a second, which 441 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,800 is cold shouldering. 442 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:08,480 But then having a very intimate time together and then just whenever she felt like she wanted 443 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,560 to come in and out of the relationship she did. 444 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:11,560 Yeah. 445 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:12,560 Eww. 446 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,560 Gosh. 447 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,320 So the last one is cold shouldering. 448 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:20,360 Cold shouldering is another form of manipulation that a manipulative abuse that coincides with 449 00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:21,360 gaslighting. 450 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:26,040 It's a control over the survivor's emotions and expressiveness when the perpetrator ignores 451 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,160 or silences their victim. 452 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:33,080 They use the victim's need for space to process a situation as an opportunity to punish them. 453 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,080 Oh my God. 454 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:38,160 So it's like you and I are in a heated conversation, you're like, I really just need space and 455 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,680 you're like, oh okay, you want space? 456 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:40,680 I'll give it to you. 457 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:41,680 I'll fuck off forever. 458 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:42,840 Oh my God. 459 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:47,000 One participant said quote, he broke a promise that he made to me and I was upset about it 460 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,280 for the rest of the day. 461 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,400 I didn't really want to talk to him. 462 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,240 Then when I was finally ready to talk, he told me you already had your chance and proceeded 463 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,760 to ignore me and quote. 464 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:56,760 Eww. 465 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:57,760 That's so trickery. 466 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,880 I'm really like when you go to someone and you say, I'm upset that you did this and they're 467 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:01,880 like, well you did this. 468 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,120 It's like, I'm gonna make my, I'm gonna get mad now because you're mad. 469 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,120 I'm getting mad at you. 470 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,120 Yeah. 471 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,120 Because you're mad. 472 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,600 Because of something that I did. 473 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:14,080 After a fight with her partner, another participant said she saw quote, him glaring at me with 474 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:19,200 these eyes totally devoid of emotion except for hatred, almost shaking. 475 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,880 And then he gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. 476 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,320 He said that the worst thing I can do in those situations is to give him space but it's 477 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,120 honestly really hard to be around him and quote. 478 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,120 Wrong girl. 479 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,120 Right? 480 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,120 Well yeah. 481 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:34,120 These are, these are former victims of gaslighting. 482 00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:38,480 Gaslighters remind their victims that they are quote unquote crazy, incompetent and overly 483 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,820 emotional. 484 00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:45,120 The study states quote, insults pertaining to survivors physical appearance, virtues 485 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:50,920 and sexual activity may not obviously be challenges to their epistemic abilities but if those 486 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:55,760 survivors experience themselves as attractive, unselfish and chast, then the accusations 487 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:59,960 of being ugly, selfish and slutty directly challenges the survivor's self-knowledge 488 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,600 and therefore their sense of reality. 489 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:02,600 End quote. 490 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,640 Like you might consider yourself to be a very reasonable person. 491 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:09,880 You might consider yourself to be a, at least an attractive person, a good person, a nice 492 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:15,960 person and the perpetrator of gaslighting's entire purpose is to convince you otherwise. 493 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:16,960 Otherwise. 494 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,840 And we, I mean you tell somebody something for so long they're gonna start to believe 495 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:23,760 it to be true especially when they have no other outside influence to tell them other 496 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:24,760 words. 497 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:25,760 Right. 498 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:26,760 Exactly. 499 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,080 Perpetrators argue over timelines or the tone or words in which they are used inside 500 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,760 the argument. 501 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,760 Maybe even blame victims of being overly critical of them. 502 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,040 Like you're so mean to me. 503 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,480 You know you're over there and you're, you know you're spelling me on the gaslighter, 504 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:41,480 that's rude. 505 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:42,480 Why would you say that about me? 506 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,480 Ugh. 507 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:44,480 It's just making me angry. 508 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,480 You're overly critical. 509 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:49,960 They turn the tables on their victims by claiming that the survivor is the problem and often 510 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:54,840 take perceived innocent behavior as a reason for their behavior to turn. 511 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,800 This is often to distract the survivor from the real issue, which is their issue. 512 00:22:58,800 --> 00:22:59,800 Yeah. 513 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,400 Have you ever been in a situation where you brought up something that bothered you and 514 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,040 by the end of the conversation you ended up apologizing to them? 515 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,040 Yes. 516 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,040 Yes. 517 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,040 100%. 518 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,880 Often survivors would be blamed for the most minute things. 519 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:17,320 One wrote, quote, everything was my fault, the microwave was broken, and it was my fault. 520 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,320 Jesus. 521 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:23,000 According to the study, perpetrators blame survivors for their own actions to try to 522 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,320 avoid accountability. 523 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:28,880 Quote, anytime he had done something that was wrong or disrespectful, that would also 524 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:29,880 be my fault. 525 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:36,200 And quote, another participating participant stating, quote, she would make it out to be 526 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,760 on me for her bad behavior. 527 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,320 And yet another one saying, quote, he told me that it was my fault that he cheated on 528 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,120 me because I went on a work trip for six weeks. 529 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:46,120 End quote. 530 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,120 Oh, you're never around. 531 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:52,120 Who's supposed to love me? 532 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,560 She's probably paying for everything as well. 533 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,560 Oh yeah, probably. 534 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:01,240 One of the biggest motivators for gaslighting is that your partner would maybe be trying 535 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,480 to escape responsibility or accountability. 536 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,840 Often these types of gaslighters are in denial about their own behavior. 537 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,280 We see this in one participant's story, quote, my wife had an affair. 538 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,600 I felt that something was off as she wanted nothing more to do with me. 539 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,000 And I kept questioning what was wrong. 540 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,640 She kept telling me that I was just being paranoid, crazy, and anxious and that everything 541 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:21,640 was okay. 542 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:22,640 End quote. 543 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,480 Well, everything wasn't okay. 544 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,480 Clearly not. 545 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:26,480 You're just crazy. 546 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:27,480 You're nuts. 547 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,480 Why would I do that to you? 548 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,080 Seriously, you really think that I would do that to you? 549 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,760 Those are nudes of me. 550 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:38,160 Brother said, quote, I would ask for more help with our kids and I'd be met with anger 551 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,600 because he felt working for money and providing were sufficient. 552 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:47,720 I was told I was insane, unorganized, and I didn't take my job as a mom seriously enough 553 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,880 since I needed help. 554 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:55,120 Typically led to name calling and being told that we needed to switch places, end quote. 555 00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,120 Because he would have been so great with the children. 556 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,120 Why don't you go make the money? 557 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,120 Why don't you go? 558 00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,120 Why don't you make more money? 559 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,120 Well, I'll be a straight home dad. 560 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,120 Why don't you stay home dad? 561 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:04,120 I'm home when everything's a wreck. 562 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,120 Staying home dads are amazing. 563 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:10,120 I won't go for a bashing stay at home dads. 564 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,120 I mean, yeah, that's stressful. 565 00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:14,600 Yeah, for sure. 566 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:19,040 Another participant stated, quote, the gaslighting was done basically any time I expressed something 567 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:23,400 that I was unhappy about or when I wanted more out of his participation around the 568 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,160 house or with our children. 569 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:29,800 I was always quote crazy and imagining things, end quote. 570 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:35,200 Any time that he had done something that was wrong or disrespectful, it would be my fault. 571 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,360 Never did he take accountability for his actions or his words. 572 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:42,640 He would always put the blame on me and basically said that I imagined what was happening and 573 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,600 that I was crazy, end quote. 574 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:50,440 Control is the second most common motivation for gaslighting behavior, quote, when I didn't 575 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,960 behave, say what he wanted me to, when he wanted me to act a certain way, or when he 576 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,440 disliked what came out of my mouth or what I did, end quote. 577 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:02,240 The participant stated that her partner tried to sabotage her attempts to get into medical 578 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,760 school by spending quote months telling me how I shouldn't pick this career path for 579 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:12,840 multiple reasons, starting with money, then how I'm not cut out or smart enough, end quote. 580 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:17,920 He then went on quote, picking fights with me the whole way while I tried to study, accusing 581 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,640 me of bringing up medical scenarios that were similar to his family history, telling me that 582 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,440 I was insensitive and unemphathtetic. 583 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:29,200 For the test, he brought up career paths that I was better suited for, end quote. 584 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,600 So not only is that affecting that person, but it's affecting every other person in their 585 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,800 lives that she could have helped because if she got that medical degree and this mother 586 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,760 booker is too selfish to let someone be great. 587 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:45,520 So he had to pull her down to the point where I don't know if she went or not, but clearly 588 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:50,600 not in a position to be like super excited about med school after you're being told all 589 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:51,600 that stuff. 590 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:57,640 I was in an abusive relationship for many, many years and I attempted to go to college 591 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:06,120 for one whole semester and instead of being happy for me and supportive for me, he would 592 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,920 pick fights in the middle of the night and I'd be too tired to go to school. 593 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:09,920 Yeah, that was on purpose. 594 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:10,920 Oh yeah, for sure. 595 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:17,440 And I failed that semester and I was 19 years old at the time and I waited to go back to 596 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,960 school until I was 32 years old. 597 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,960 And it's just one of those things that stays with you your whole life. 598 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,240 Yeah, for sure. 599 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,640 And thankfully this participant got out of that relationship. 600 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:34,840 Yeah, but it's a very real thing that happens and you don't even realize it's happening 601 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,720 until it's, you know, that's something that he had in him. 602 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,040 He didn't want me to be better. 603 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:44,600 Because if I stayed low to the ground, he would always be above me, he could always 604 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,600 control me. 605 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,280 Yeah, that's disgusting. 606 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:48,280 Idiot. 607 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,280 Fuck you. 608 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:55,000 Quote, he would get very sad about himself to the point to where I would feel that it 609 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,440 was no longer about my issue but making him feel better. 610 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:02,200 He wouldn't like me to talk about our issues to my friends and he would guilt me if I wrote 611 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:03,960 in my journal negatively about him. 612 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:05,480 Oh my god, ew. 613 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,880 He would do the same behaviors over and over, apologize, never change, and then get upset 614 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,960 every time I brought it up. 615 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,520 Eventually I just decided to stop bringing up issues because I was tired of making him 616 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,800 feel better and making myself sadder. 617 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,520 Quote, oh my god, that's awesome. 618 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:24,160 She wasn't making him feel better and she wasn't making herself feel worse. 619 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:26,600 He was manipulating her. 620 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:32,800 And also, like, not letting her talk to her friends about their issues, it's because 621 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,440 he doesn't want her friends to be like, what the fuck, he's wrong. 622 00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:36,440 Leave his ass. 623 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:38,840 Exactly, like what the hell? 624 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:43,160 The effects on survivors of gaslighting and relationships have a wide range. 625 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:47,680 One may begin to feel a diminished sense of self resulting in loneliness and depression. 626 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:51,080 You may feel guarded and have a hard time trusting others, especially if you've left 627 00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,840 the relationship and tried to start new ones. 628 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:57,920 Newportinstitute.com suggests that you may be experiencing the effects of gaslighting 629 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:03,120 if you're having trouble making even simple decisions, you're making excuses for your 630 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:08,400 partner's behavior to family members or friends, you're constantly second guessing yourself, 631 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:12,200 you're blaming yourself for the way that another person treats you, you're trying 632 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:16,400 to convince yourself that the behavior isn't really that bad, you're walking on eggshells 633 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:20,800 around the other person, you're believing that you are too sensitive, you're questioning 634 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:26,000 your own feelings, judgments, and observations, you're feeling lonely and trapped, you're 635 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:30,360 doubting your own memory and sanity, you're staying silent rather than speaking up about 636 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:36,080 what you believe, you're being on edge and feeling threatened all the time, you're starting 637 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:39,720 to believe what the gaslighter is telling you about yourself, that you're crazy or 638 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:44,000 stupid, you're thinking that you can't do anything right and feeling disappointed in 639 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,520 who you've become, you're spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions. 640 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:49,520 That's intense. 641 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:54,840 That's a lot, that is a very real psychological effect that that has on someone. 642 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:56,880 No, that's really intense. 643 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:00,000 I was thinking about this while you were talking about it just in general, we throw around 644 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:06,040 the word gaslighting so loosely, like, oh my ADHD, my OCD, something like that, I even 645 00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:10,640 heard it at work the other day, people will do that like I did earlier as a joke, like 646 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:14,160 oh, I'm just gaslighting or whatever, and it's not, I mean, it's really serious in these 647 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:18,680 particular scenarios, not that you can't have harmless back and forth conversation with 648 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:23,560 your friends or whatever, but in situations like this, it can be extremely diminishing 649 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:28,000 to someone's whole psyche, and again, like you said, ruin someone's whole future, like 650 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:33,880 path, because of just how skewed the relationship can be and how the mindset can be. 651 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:40,240 I agree, and much like I stated at the beginning of this episode, this type of power dynamic 652 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:41,240 can happen anywhere. 653 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:42,240 Yeah. 654 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:48,400 This is not, you know, the study of course was within couples, within romantic relationships, 655 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:54,040 but again, it can happen parent-child, it can happen, you know, with a boss, it can happen 656 00:30:54,040 --> 00:31:00,640 between sisters, I mean, it can happen at any time, and you're so right, like people realize 657 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:05,280 that it works once, and then somewhere along the way, they just don't grow out of it, they 658 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,480 don't stop it, or they know that they can easily manipulate or control someone else, 659 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:09,720 and they continue to do so. 660 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:11,800 Yeah, for sure. 661 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,800 Recovery can also come in many forms. 662 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,760 Spending time with others and talking to friends and family about your situation can 663 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,520 be widely beneficial. 664 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:23,080 For some, getting back into physical activities or creative activities may be an outlet. 665 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:26,680 Of course, seek professional help if you need it. 666 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,560 Allow yourself to grieve your relationship in a healthy way. 667 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:34,200 However, it is always almost recommended to disconnect completely from your abuser. 668 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,200 Absolutely. 669 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:38,440 Furthermore, recovery is about trusting yourself again. 670 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,520 Remember this is something that was done to you and not of your doing, no matter how 671 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:44,680 responsible your abuser made you feel. 672 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:49,120 Allow yourself to trust yourself again, trust your knowledge again, trust your gut and experiences 673 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:50,120 again. 674 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:53,400 You may once again remind yourself that you are capable of making good, safe, and sound 675 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,360 decisions for yourself. 676 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:57,520 So that was absolutely one of the hardest parts for me. 677 00:31:57,520 --> 00:31:58,520 Yeah, for sure. 678 00:31:58,520 --> 00:31:59,520 Yeah. 679 00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:04,000 Was being able to trust myself and like know that I'm completely capable of making decisions 680 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,160 for myself and then putting them into action. 681 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:07,160 Yeah. 682 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,600 So please not going to tell me how to do something all of the time. 683 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:12,960 Or tell you not to do something that you want to do. 684 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:16,800 Although not every relationship of this nature will result in physical violence, gaslighting 685 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:21,640 is still a form of abuse and as such may be a gateway to physical abuse over time. 686 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,400 If you are someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation, you can reach out to the 687 00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:32,880 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 688 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:33,880 Yeah, absolutely. 689 00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:37,040 And of course, if you are in crisis, 9-1-1 first thing. 690 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,560 Of course, if it's an emergency for sure. 691 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:43,280 I just want to give a special thanks to William Klein, Sherri Lee, and Suzanne Ward for their 692 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:44,920 studies on this topic. 693 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:48,960 And we will also leave a link in the show notes so that you can access the great details 694 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,160 of their analysis because there's so much more to it. 695 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:52,480 Oh yeah, but it's a huge article. 696 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:53,480 It's huge. 697 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:54,480 Nice. 698 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:55,480 Well, that was a good topic. 699 00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,600 I didn't think to do that one ever and I'm glad that you brought it. 700 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,480 I also have to shout out Dreading because I don't remember what episode. 701 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:08,440 I think it was the Ezra McCandless episode when they were talking about gaslighting and 702 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:11,080 I was like, what a cool topic for like a whole episode. 703 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:12,080 Yeah, for sure. 704 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,920 And if you all don't follow Dreading, please follow Dreading. 705 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:16,080 There are two brothers that do it. 706 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,080 Oh, okay. 707 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:18,080 Although one's the voice. 708 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:19,080 Got it. 709 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,800 But oh my gosh, it's so fun to listen to them. 710 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,880 They just did this whole thing on Chris Watts. 711 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,640 Oh my gosh, stop. 712 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:29,200 Well, thank you guys for joining us for another mental breakdown. 713 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:30,200 Yeah. 714 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,320 So, if you get your ticket to the True Crime and Paranoa podcast festival that's happening 715 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,760 in Denver this July, the 12th and the 14th. 716 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:37,920 It's also my birthday, weekend. 717 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,480 So you guys, you can see us. 718 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,840 We have some really great merch and we've been like stockpiling our merch to make sure 719 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:46,000 that it's available for you guys when it comes July. 720 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,000 Yeah. 721 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:48,000 But anything else? 722 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,000 No, I think that's it. 723 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:50,000 Okay. 724 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,320 Well, we will see you guys on Thursday with another case and next Monday with another 725 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:53,320 mental breakdown. 726 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:54,320 Yeah. 727 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:55,320 Love you. 728 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:56,320 Love you. 729 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:57,320 Bye. 730 00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:03,800 Trusted Health Products makes a variety of incredible products that you can feel good 731 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:04,880 about. 732 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:09,920 Their oral care, skincare and nutritional products focus on quality first. 733 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:14,720 Trusted Health Products are additive free, GMO free and are 100% pure ingredients that 734 00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:19,000 feed and nourish your body to help you look and feel your best. 735 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,480 Click the link in the show notes to receive an exclusive offer today. 736 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:29,480 Trusted Health Products, products that you can feel good about.