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Hello everyone and welcome to the awaken together podcast.

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I'm Jen and I'm Kat.

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And today we are going to talk about sex.

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Let's talk about sex baby.

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That's all I got.

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We are going to talk about the lines between sex and sensuality and we're going to go into

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shame and just kind of all of the things that both our personal journeys have kind of involved.

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And then yeah, we're going to dabble down a couple of rabbit holes.

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We realized that this topic is pretty vast and there is a lot to say on it.

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Yeah wind us up, watch us go.

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We could talk about this topic for days because yeah, Jen said we are very much on our own

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journeys with this topic right now too.

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So it's fresh.

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Absolutely.

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But before we delve into everything we wanted to share with our beautiful listeners that

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we officially have our next retreat up and posted and we still have slots left for it.

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It's going to be October 5th through the 9th in New Orleans and we are so excited.

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We're bringing that witchy kind of theme and magic back into the retreat so you can expect

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yoga.

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We have the coolest Airbnb really close to downtown.

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We're going to be doing in town excursions.

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We're going to be doing a lot of meditations and deeper healing workshops and then tapping

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into our inner witch.

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Yeah it's going to be so freaking magical and we're stoked because New Orleans, if you're

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not familiar, it's the hub of voodoo culture in America.

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So it's really the perfect destination for our coven.

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Lots of haunted things.

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Healing shops for us to check out.

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Tours that we're going to do.

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And yeah we have such a stacked lineup for you to really develop personally and spiritually

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and connect with other like minded individuals.

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So lots of exercising, lots of exercises for really fine tuning your intuition, connecting

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yourself deeper there.

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Always yoga like Jen said.

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Lots of workshops on like developing your sixth senses, your psychic abilities, cosmic

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lunch, mystery dinners.

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Like we really put so much heart into this.

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It's going to be amazing.

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Yeah so you can check that out on Cat's website and we also have it in both of our bios on

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Instagram.

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My Instagram is Senseful Wellness and Cat you can share your handle.

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That's my name so Catarina underscore Erickson and the website is Catalyst with a K, catalystliving.com

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slash offerings and you can check us out there.

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Let us know what questions you have.

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Yes.

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All right Cat, switching back gears.

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Are we ready?

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It's time.

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Let's do it.

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Let's dive in.

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Okay.

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So we thought for like the first thing that you know these topics, this is something that

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once again I feel like it can feel confusing why it's plugged into like the awakening and

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spirituality concepts but it is so linked in so many ways and so I think that's kind

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of the first thing I wanted to kind of say and go over is that you know we have so much

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in society that has created a lot of issues around these topics, a lot of shame in our

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own personal bodies, a lot of shame and sharing like what our differences are amongst each

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other but how similar we actually all are on that spectrum but there can be so much

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shame if you don't fit the narrative of what is advertised.

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It can be really hard to admit what you like, what you don't like, what you can say, what

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you can't say and I think you know there's this beautiful correlation that happens when

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you start working on healing the inside of yourself and you start looking at that mind

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and body connection, you start figuring out like what stories you're really holding on

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to that are limiting and boxing you in and holding you down and creating those patterns

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of you staying less than and not asking for more and the more you kind of expose those

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layers I think a lot of themes around you know sensuality, sexuality, intimacy, vulnerability

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all kind of naturally fall onto the plate because it's exposing things and in a culture

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where that's often kind of seen as a like more hush thing or you talk about it when

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it kind of like makes sense but you're scared to talk about things that are hard and like

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difficult maybe or that you feel like yeah some shame around like something like maybe

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people won't understand this when in reality every single thing you're experiencing is

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definitely going to be normal unless there's like actual pain problems happening but it's

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also we have so much different resources now for help and to figure out why things are

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happening and the sex research at this point is like so much more extensive than it used

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to be like women were truly seen as just something that's supposed to pump out babies and that

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we are not used for any sort of pleasure in any way shape or form and so we are still

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dealing with generations of stigma on these subjects and so I'm so happy to talk about

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it.

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Yeah seriously well said and like anything else in our lives we are conditioned we grow

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up as little girls little boys little humans just as sponges and we're taking in we're

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learning how to be in this world by those around us especially our teachers our guardians

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our mentors and when they have an unhealed relationship with sexuality in themselves

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then we just internalize that and take it in and it becomes ours so it's not your fault

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I think like you said Jen like there's so much more research that's been done now there's

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incredible books out there so many resources and with everything that we encounter in our

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lives with trauma with traumatic events with different looks different comments made from

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people we're going to internalize that and take it one way so it's really worth taking

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a second look at and treating those thoughts and those ideas that we've taken as true and

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questioning them and deciding you know is this thing that I've taken as true actually

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serving me in this moment and having those open and honest conversations in safe spaces

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with friends with therapists with trusted people and just talking it out because that's

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the biggest thing that I've realized now in all the work that I've done in this category

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even as of lately this year is that all these things that I've thought were wrong or shameful

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everybody thinks and feels and it's actually freaking cool and great and just normal valid

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yeah yeah let's we'll we'll take a turn kind of sharing some of our journey around this

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and I can start us off but for me you know I thought this was something like once I got

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into the years where I was experimenting I thought I was just kind of like supposed to

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know everything you know like this should be something you just know like you know have

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it all down like so scared to like make mistakes or ask questions you know just like blindly

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feeling like I was supposed to like inherently understand this stuff and that it's not going

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to be this lifelong learning experience and that is because I didn't hear people talking

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about it it took a long time you know I think basically my exposure to it would have been

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just through like yeah like celebrity culture and just who is with who like it was just

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I learned it in such a weird way because it wasn't like laid out like normally within

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my household but also I had religion trauma within all of this as well so sex was kind

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of exposed to me and luckily I didn't really like drink the Kool-Aid on this stuff because

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it was like very it never quite landed great with me but I know within my church they had

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to start doing these like sex seminars starting at like really young like probably 10 and

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it was just kind of like just wait till you meet your husband and you experience what

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wedding night is gonna be and I'm just like this seems so wild to me like that we're really

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just waiting for that day and like there was so much talk about committing yourself to

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purity until that moment and how like pressure on wedding night oh my god yeah talk about

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your nervous system getting fucked up and you not being able to do anything because

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your body is like literally so stressed out you can't even get turned on right but like

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god and then also like that just seems so scary to me that like I yeah that that was

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just gonna be it and then I don't know I remember that just feeling like major anxiety when

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I thought through it yeah we didn't even have sex on our wedding night like unpopular thing

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to say but like we didn't either oh my god see like until we talk about it I had some

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guilt around that for a while but we were freaking exhausted like let's be real I was

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so tired I told Dani I was like I am taking a bath and like I yeah like I'm so so tired

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like two in the morning like real talk yeah so anyway it's absolutely like wilds like

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me trying to piece all these little things together like there was so much talk about

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yeah really kind of like not trusting your body that your body belonged to god that your

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body will then belong to your husband it was like never this empowering like figure your

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own body out so it was not even like an instinct to start exploring that I was like terrified

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of like getting to know my body and the more attention I put on my body I felt like I was

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doing something very wrong like this is not where my focus is supposed to be so yeah it

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was just something I really didn't explore so naturally when I did start having sex like

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I hadn't even figured out a lot about my own body at that point so it was just so sad to

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like look back in retrospect that like I'm giving the power into everyone else figuring

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myself out because I didn't even have the safety to really get to know myself in that

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way so it definitely was like a journey between my very first time like feeling like okay

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well now I really got to marry that man because I've already like done it like I gotta like

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make sure this works tons of pressure on that like so much guilt and when you learn how

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guilt and shame kind of plays into the safety of your own body and like yeah I would have

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never in a million years thought to be like I don't really like that you know maybe try

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something else like can we not keep going back to that like I would have never in a

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million years even thought that was a possibility like it just would not have crossed my mind

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with retro chakra like the pelvis it's like the blockages and so much about that yeah

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yeah and our whole freaking nervous system of feeling safe like truly it's like wild

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to see the connection later but yeah it took so many years of yeah really going through

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the process of like hating myself and looking for validation through sex and really the

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validation through what that person wanted to offer and give me not really any say in

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my own journey and it took kind of being in safe spaces with people in that way but also

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really going on that self love and healing journey and realizing how much I was believing

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these stories against myself and my body to start breaking that up and I will say too

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that I really believe that being in different yoga retreats and workshops and spaces around

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the world and being in intimacy with people like staring into each other's eyes and hugging

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strangers and also working in health care and just seeing how many different types of

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bodies there are how many people's stories have been vastly different realizing that

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there were layers of not even being able to connect with people in a like raw exposed

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way that were very much playing into everything else and once I started healing that I also

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started noticing okay this this has a direct correlation and now I feel a lot more empowered

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and a lot more in charge of my body and where I'm taking it and what I'm craving and what

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I'm wanting and knowing that that is also a lifelong journey you don't just get the

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formula and have the formula then work forever it's a constant readjusting it's a constant

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shifting it's a constant communicating because your body ebbs and flows with life and nature

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and all the things yeah it truly does we are cyclical beings in so many ways and I think

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there's so much power in our stories and where we take the rest of it from there I love hearing

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your story and just like how it's developed with your religious trauma and how all that

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undoing has led you here and I think it's amazing thank you Kat let's hear some of yours

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yeah yeah so mine is actually quite different a couple different factors yeah the religious

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stuff it was less of a thing for me in my conditioning at least but I'd say I still

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obviously took in the notes from from family and friends and society but really I'd say

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I when I was thinking about this I went all the way back to you know the first time I

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had sex I was 16 and even just thinking about that saying of like I lost my virginity like

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that phrase is rooted in patriarchy like that's a fucked up saying like you lost something

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when you actually just had this like transformative moment of gaining an experience you didn't

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lose anything and I think just that stigma around saying you lost your virginity we need

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to do away with that there's so much shame to it and you're tied up you're set up to

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for disappointment I think like oh it's sad you know there's a sadness there so let's

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just say had sex for the first time like there's got to be other better sayings out there so

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absolutely just change that let's change it sorry everyone losing your virginity is out

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yeah let us know like your ideas for better sayings yeah I was 16 it wasn't a great experience

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but it wasn't awful it was with like the shitty boyfriend I had at the time he ended up giving

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me a diamond necklace after it which just felt so transactional and archaic and weird

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but also like as my 16 year old self really special and cool and like I don't know it

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was totally like a prize I don't know like here's a sheep now so bizarre but yeah I ended

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up funny story like right before we broke up I ended up losing that diamond necklace

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and he was pissed but it was like really poetic you know in this way yeah it was time to let

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go time to let go yeah exactly so that was my first and yeah I mean I got on birth control

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right after my mom found out that I had lost my virginity that I'd had sex for the first

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time and she was all freaked out so she just put me right on the pill without you know

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doing research or anything on it because it was just kind of like well I'm not becoming

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an early grandma you're getting on this thing and I was like great I don't want a kid let's

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do it so got on that and then I was on it you know pretty consistently for like 15 years

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I took one year of a break where I didn't get my period for nine months and then that

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was kind of it I eventually got back on it because that's when I met Kyle and the rest

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was history but as you all know I've mentioned this in other episodes and I'm still going

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to do an episode soon to talk really in detail about this journey because it has been life

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changing for me and it's not to like say everybody should just get off the pill like I definitely

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believe in it but I think that there's better options than hormonal birth control so that's

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for another time getting off the pill has been a freaking journey for me it's been just

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about a year it's been 11 months at this point and I feel like a different freaking person

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in many ways so it's been a real learning for me how much the pill completely masked

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and blanketed my sexual desire I felt like I was basically asexual for 10 years and it

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caused a lot of issues in our relationship I just got so disconnected from this part

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of me and even as I'm talking I'm kind of like holding myself because I feel like it's

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really sad for me to think about how much I was muted and dulled and just felt like

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in my relationship that I was just wrong and then I read the book Come As You Are which

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totally recommend that if you haven't read it it's a great one it teaches you about all

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the different types of sexual desire it really taught me a lot about reactive versus spontaneous

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desire and really during that whole 10 year period I just like came to learn about myself

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as more of a reactive person but I'd say since like January when the hormones have really

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been settling in my body after like six months there I've been learning that like no I do

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have this spontaneous desire and it is very much linked with where I am in my cycle and

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it just makes so much sense now that like my hormones are able to do their own thing

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that I'm actually feeling these things again and so I've been on this whole sexual awakening

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journey for the past couple months and it's been really freaking cool and it's been doing

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a lot for our marriage and I'm just learning so much so it's been very closely tied with

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my latest spiritual awakening too so

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yeah thanks for sharing all that cut yeah it's also so important to expose and share

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that this is something that you have to actively keep working on and then it does surface up

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you don't have to have it down and then feel shame when all of a sudden the narrative changes

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or shifts or goes different you know shame is really the root of a lot of things locking

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up and it's just important sometimes to even get that energy out like be able to have a

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safe space to share and explore and say like I think some things are shifting so that might

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cause some things to look different we you know making safe spaces to talk about that

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so I think within society like let's kind of zoom out and go into that a little bit

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that like first of all you know it's really tough to feel to not feel shame about your

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body when a big chunk of our example of sex is coming from porn and high editing and you

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know you don't see a variety of vulva you don't see a variety of body types and it's

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just it can feel so shameful to think your body is just looking completely different

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than what someone would desire when we are like really not seeing an example of how many

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varieties and types and shapes and colors and all of the different things like that's

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the most beautiful freaking thing that we all are like this like work of art and it's

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so unique and I love that at one point on this planet it was kind of viewed that way

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and then freaking patriarchal bullshit has created this like yeah just some really really

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shameful stigma if you don't fit this one fucking type and because of that you're like

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oh shit like mine doesn't look like that or this doesn't look like that or oh my god am

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I like yeah so different than everybody else and that automatically creates this disconnect

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with your body so a huge part of healing from that one layer of societal stuff is like learning

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to look at your body like doing mirror work practicing like okay this is what this looks

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like I love you you are normal there are literally so many freaking looks and types and it's

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important to empower and know that instead of adding to the stigma that yours is very

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different and everyone out you know there's all these other people that have it right

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and I have it wrong you know totally I mean we take in what's right and what's wrong from

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what we see and what's normalized and so it makes sense and like talking about porn and

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it is made for men like the vast majority of porn and like hello patriarchy another example

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and something I've been learning in this incredible audiobook that I'm listening to right now I

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know you have it too Jen it's called tell me what you want what you really really want

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no but it's called tell me what you want by Justin Laymiller who he has his PhD it's incredible

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it's all about the science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life

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and I've learned from that how like so many fun facts I'm like constantly busting them

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out to Kyle who is now going to start listening to the book too but one thing that I learned

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is how for women it's more important like the environment that like the porn is in or

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like that the sexual like moment is in than is about the actual person what they look like

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and with men it's more about the actual person and their fantasies like what that person looks like

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and I thought that was so insane but like it makes sense because with women we need to know that like

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the environment the setting it's safe it's appealing it's a place that we're actually

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going to be turned on whereas the man it's like okay here's the partner it's all about the partner

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and it goes back to like biological reasons for that and like porn is one great example where you

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can kind of see that proven yeah and Pete a lot of the people within that are even experiencing

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such shame cycles that you see all this body augmentation and surgeries and this is not like

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a natural depiction of whose body is right and whose body is wrong and I think that part can

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get really confusing for both sets of viewers and yeah as you said it's not necessarily always

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divided by gender but it's been proven that women have a you know more sensitive like breaking system

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of lack of safety so when things are when the context is more stressful or there's more stresses

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to be perceived your body can't relax and get into that other state like we both we have a system

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that turns on but we also have an ability to turn off and it takes like this sweet balance that's

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what the come as you are book is like really hones in on yeah those accelerators and breaks

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yes and this is like so connected for me personally with understanding the senses

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and my mind and body connection and realizing that this still leads to the same homework as so many

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other episodes we have talked about of regulating your own nervous system figuring out like what

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makes you feel a sense of calm learning how to plug into those things so then your body's natural

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state is going to more likely match what it's deeply craving instead of the fears being louder

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the story being louder the easy stress system coming online because nothing is feeling safe

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it kind of comes down to that same homework of breath work mindfulness self-love mirror work

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learning to hold and touch yourself without loud voices coming in and telling you not to do that

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like that correlates you know absolutely and it's also normal that that's happening because it makes

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so much freaking sense when you look at everything and then let's talk to cat like i think another

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like final thing to touch on is the fact that like when it comes down to like orgasming there

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is going to be so many shifts and changes within that too because they've been able to show that

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just regular intercourse for a lot of people is not just going to be it like maybe it'll work for

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you maybe it doesn't both are normal and there's a lot of different factors that you might have to

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delve into it might not look the same forever there might be new elements that have to be added in

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there might be more practice and being vulnerable because maybe life has gotten so busy it's hard

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to figure out like input space and time into that but i remember like a huge aha moment which i

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think i've shared on the podcast before that like even when i was by myself i realized like moving

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my body really sensually like moving my hips like slowly like kind of touching myself i couldn't

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even make myself do it behind closed doors when literally there was no consequences and nobody

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watching and i had like this moment of like wow if i can't even do that by myself without like

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like blushing feeling weird being like this is stupid and just wanting to shut down how much of

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that is correlating to my ability to connect on deeper levels so i started practicing and working

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on that and of course the shame and like disconnect from my own body was correlating into everything so

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as i worked on that i really started being able to see like just so much power ripple into so many

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areas of my life yeah that's huge that's huge right if you can't be comfortable in your own

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body by yourself how are you going to expect your body to perform and be able to do that with

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another partner like that's just asking so much of yourself so the work starts within oh yes oh

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my gosh and something else that i've learned from this book that i've been reading is how like

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sexuality is a spectrum and when you start to uncover these layers of yourself you might like

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as you're digging come across things that are new and maybe extra shameful like being attracted to

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people of the same sex and like it's a whole thing and i know i think it's the next episode

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jen that you and phoenix are talking more about this but like something that um i learned from

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this book is how women actually have more sexual flexibility than men biologically and so like that

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was massive for me to learn too of like okay um going back to all the way when we were like living

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in tribes and had to um think about like raising a child if a man left we needed community we need

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to rally around um this child and find love in other ways like it's really primal stuff and um

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it's just fascinating to hear how how life and how our desire has developed through the ages and

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let's just all practice giving ourselves a hell of a lot more grace and compassion and stop feeling

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like we're wrong for anything that we're feeling in this topic and in all the other ones hell yes

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yes so some some work on this if you're looking for homework if you feel like a lot of this kind

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of like plugs in yeah as i've said like twice now mirror work i think is this really beautiful way

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to start experiencing the emotions behind things like paying attention to what it feels like to

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look at one area of your body uh like fully spreading your legs and being in front of the

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mirror and seeing what feelings that brings up whatever is surfacing up like giving time for

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exposure to that and practice it doesn't have to be like oh this is sexy and great on like rep

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number one but it's about feeling and experiencing the stuff so you can slowly either work through

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that maybe it gets easy really quick maybe it's more of a journey and that's okay and practicing

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like actually touching and connecting to your own body because knowing that that actually

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ripples into a lot is super important i also think when you plug into more intimate spaces such as

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retreats and yoga classes and places where you're dropping into more conscious connection you also

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will see this beautiful correlation then of realizing what's getting in the way from you not

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only connecting to yourself but openly being able to be in vulnerable exposing places with others

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and until that's practiced there can be even more stigma of like oh god this is weird this is

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uncomfortable like i don't know i'm just not into that i like it more private like the privacy kind

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of roof i feel like is so still coming from so much stigma because the more we feel like something

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has to be hidden we already know that that doesn't correlate well to everything else so i think these

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conversations are just super important too so finding your people that you can delve into that

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with or even going to therapy to kind of keep exposing different layers of this stuff is all

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very valuable work and read the books they have been so helpful for me come as you are tell me

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what you want i originally found that guy uh justin lay miller on liz moody's podcast um her recent

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one about sex and desire too so there's so many amazing resources out there highly recommend

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if this is an area of your life that you're feeling a little like unacquainted with yourself on or

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just lacking like do the work it's worth it yeah yeah and i'll add too like on netflix the principles

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of pleasure is like an amazing documentary and goop has a series called sex and love it's on

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netflix too and there was so much good conversation within that little goop series as well that i

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thought really touched on a lot of this stuff too so do your research have fun even if shame cycle

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comes up on research like keep working through that because it all really matters 100 well thank

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you jen thank you everybody for listening we love you all so much and we are excited to hear what

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you think about this episode please message us on instagram at awaken together podcast we love

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hearing your thoughts and we'll see you all next time all right bye