Hello everyone and welcome to the awaken together podcast.
I'm Jen and I'm Kat.
And today we are going to talk about sex.
Let's talk about sex baby.
That's all I got.
We are going to talk about the lines between sex and sensuality and we're going to go into
shame and just kind of all of the things that both our personal journeys have kind of involved.
And then yeah, we're going to dabble down a couple of rabbit holes.
We realized that this topic is pretty vast and there is a lot to say on it.
Yeah wind us up, watch us go.
We could talk about this topic for days because yeah, Jen said we are very much on our own
journeys with this topic right now too.
So it's fresh.
Absolutely.
But before we delve into everything we wanted to share with our beautiful listeners that
we officially have our next retreat up and posted and we still have slots left for it.
It's going to be October 5th through the 9th in New Orleans and we are so excited.
We're bringing that witchy kind of theme and magic back into the retreat so you can expect
yoga.
We have the coolest Airbnb really close to downtown.
We're going to be doing in town excursions.
We're going to be doing a lot of meditations and deeper healing workshops and then tapping
into our inner witch.
Yeah it's going to be so freaking magical and we're stoked because New Orleans, if you're
not familiar, it's the hub of voodoo culture in America.
So it's really the perfect destination for our coven.
Lots of haunted things.
Healing shops for us to check out.
Tours that we're going to do.
And yeah we have such a stacked lineup for you to really develop personally and spiritually
and connect with other like minded individuals.
So lots of exercising, lots of exercises for really fine tuning your intuition, connecting
yourself deeper there.
Always yoga like Jen said.
Lots of workshops on like developing your sixth senses, your psychic abilities, cosmic
lunch, mystery dinners.
Like we really put so much heart into this.
It's going to be amazing.
Yeah so you can check that out on Cat's website and we also have it in both of our bios on
Instagram.
My Instagram is Senseful Wellness and Cat you can share your handle.
That's my name so Catarina underscore Erickson and the website is Catalyst with a K, catalystliving.com
slash offerings and you can check us out there.
Let us know what questions you have.
Yes.
All right Cat, switching back gears.
Are we ready?
It's time.
Let's do it.
Let's dive in.
Okay.
So we thought for like the first thing that you know these topics, this is something that
once again I feel like it can feel confusing why it's plugged into like the awakening and
spirituality concepts but it is so linked in so many ways and so I think that's kind
of the first thing I wanted to kind of say and go over is that you know we have so much
in society that has created a lot of issues around these topics, a lot of shame in our
own personal bodies, a lot of shame and sharing like what our differences are amongst each
other but how similar we actually all are on that spectrum but there can be so much
shame if you don't fit the narrative of what is advertised.
It can be really hard to admit what you like, what you don't like, what you can say, what
you can't say and I think you know there's this beautiful correlation that happens when
you start working on healing the inside of yourself and you start looking at that mind
and body connection, you start figuring out like what stories you're really holding on
to that are limiting and boxing you in and holding you down and creating those patterns
of you staying less than and not asking for more and the more you kind of expose those
layers I think a lot of themes around you know sensuality, sexuality, intimacy, vulnerability
all kind of naturally fall onto the plate because it's exposing things and in a culture
where that's often kind of seen as a like more hush thing or you talk about it when
it kind of like makes sense but you're scared to talk about things that are hard and like
difficult maybe or that you feel like yeah some shame around like something like maybe
people won't understand this when in reality every single thing you're experiencing is
definitely going to be normal unless there's like actual pain problems happening but it's
also we have so much different resources now for help and to figure out why things are
happening and the sex research at this point is like so much more extensive than it used
to be like women were truly seen as just something that's supposed to pump out babies and that
we are not used for any sort of pleasure in any way shape or form and so we are still
dealing with generations of stigma on these subjects and so I'm so happy to talk about
it.
Yeah seriously well said and like anything else in our lives we are conditioned we grow
up as little girls little boys little humans just as sponges and we're taking in we're
learning how to be in this world by those around us especially our teachers our guardians
our mentors and when they have an unhealed relationship with sexuality in themselves
then we just internalize that and take it in and it becomes ours so it's not your fault
I think like you said Jen like there's so much more research that's been done now there's
incredible books out there so many resources and with everything that we encounter in our
lives with trauma with traumatic events with different looks different comments made from
people we're going to internalize that and take it one way so it's really worth taking
a second look at and treating those thoughts and those ideas that we've taken as true and
questioning them and deciding you know is this thing that I've taken as true actually
serving me in this moment and having those open and honest conversations in safe spaces
with friends with therapists with trusted people and just talking it out because that's
the biggest thing that I've realized now in all the work that I've done in this category
even as of lately this year is that all these things that I've thought were wrong or shameful
everybody thinks and feels and it's actually freaking cool and great and just normal valid
yeah yeah let's we'll we'll take a turn kind of sharing some of our journey around this
and I can start us off but for me you know I thought this was something like once I got
into the years where I was experimenting I thought I was just kind of like supposed to
know everything you know like this should be something you just know like you know have
it all down like so scared to like make mistakes or ask questions you know just like blindly
feeling like I was supposed to like inherently understand this stuff and that it's not going
to be this lifelong learning experience and that is because I didn't hear people talking
about it it took a long time you know I think basically my exposure to it would have been
just through like yeah like celebrity culture and just who is with who like it was just
I learned it in such a weird way because it wasn't like laid out like normally within
my household but also I had religion trauma within all of this as well so sex was kind
of exposed to me and luckily I didn't really like drink the Kool-Aid on this stuff because
it was like very it never quite landed great with me but I know within my church they had
to start doing these like sex seminars starting at like really young like probably 10 and
it was just kind of like just wait till you meet your husband and you experience what
wedding night is gonna be and I'm just like this seems so wild to me like that we're really
just waiting for that day and like there was so much talk about committing yourself to
purity until that moment and how like pressure on wedding night oh my god yeah talk about
your nervous system getting fucked up and you not being able to do anything because
your body is like literally so stressed out you can't even get turned on right but like
god and then also like that just seems so scary to me that like I yeah that that was
just gonna be it and then I don't know I remember that just feeling like major anxiety when
I thought through it yeah we didn't even have sex on our wedding night like unpopular thing
to say but like we didn't either oh my god see like until we talk about it I had some
guilt around that for a while but we were freaking exhausted like let's be real I was
so tired I told Dani I was like I am taking a bath and like I yeah like I'm so so tired
like two in the morning like real talk yeah so anyway it's absolutely like wilds like
me trying to piece all these little things together like there was so much talk about
yeah really kind of like not trusting your body that your body belonged to god that your
body will then belong to your husband it was like never this empowering like figure your
own body out so it was not even like an instinct to start exploring that I was like terrified
of like getting to know my body and the more attention I put on my body I felt like I was
doing something very wrong like this is not where my focus is supposed to be so yeah it
was just something I really didn't explore so naturally when I did start having sex like
I hadn't even figured out a lot about my own body at that point so it was just so sad to
like look back in retrospect that like I'm giving the power into everyone else figuring
myself out because I didn't even have the safety to really get to know myself in that
way so it definitely was like a journey between my very first time like feeling like okay
well now I really got to marry that man because I've already like done it like I gotta like
make sure this works tons of pressure on that like so much guilt and when you learn how
guilt and shame kind of plays into the safety of your own body and like yeah I would have
never in a million years thought to be like I don't really like that you know maybe try
something else like can we not keep going back to that like I would have never in a
million years even thought that was a possibility like it just would not have crossed my mind
with retro chakra like the pelvis it's like the blockages and so much about that yeah
yeah and our whole freaking nervous system of feeling safe like truly it's like wild
to see the connection later but yeah it took so many years of yeah really going through
the process of like hating myself and looking for validation through sex and really the
validation through what that person wanted to offer and give me not really any say in
my own journey and it took kind of being in safe spaces with people in that way but also
really going on that self love and healing journey and realizing how much I was believing
these stories against myself and my body to start breaking that up and I will say too
that I really believe that being in different yoga retreats and workshops and spaces around
the world and being in intimacy with people like staring into each other's eyes and hugging
strangers and also working in health care and just seeing how many different types of
bodies there are how many people's stories have been vastly different realizing that
there were layers of not even being able to connect with people in a like raw exposed
way that were very much playing into everything else and once I started healing that I also
started noticing okay this this has a direct correlation and now I feel a lot more empowered
and a lot more in charge of my body and where I'm taking it and what I'm craving and what
I'm wanting and knowing that that is also a lifelong journey you don't just get the
formula and have the formula then work forever it's a constant readjusting it's a constant
shifting it's a constant communicating because your body ebbs and flows with life and nature
and all the things yeah it truly does we are cyclical beings in so many ways and I think
there's so much power in our stories and where we take the rest of it from there I love hearing
your story and just like how it's developed with your religious trauma and how all that
undoing has led you here and I think it's amazing thank you Kat let's hear some of yours
yeah yeah so mine is actually quite different a couple different factors yeah the religious
stuff it was less of a thing for me in my conditioning at least but I'd say I still
obviously took in the notes from from family and friends and society but really I'd say
I when I was thinking about this I went all the way back to you know the first time I
had sex I was 16 and even just thinking about that saying of like I lost my virginity like
that phrase is rooted in patriarchy like that's a fucked up saying like you lost something
when you actually just had this like transformative moment of gaining an experience you didn't
lose anything and I think just that stigma around saying you lost your virginity we need
to do away with that there's so much shame to it and you're tied up you're set up to
for disappointment I think like oh it's sad you know there's a sadness there so let's
just say had sex for the first time like there's got to be other better sayings out there so
absolutely just change that let's change it sorry everyone losing your virginity is out
yeah let us know like your ideas for better sayings yeah I was 16 it wasn't a great experience
but it wasn't awful it was with like the shitty boyfriend I had at the time he ended up giving
me a diamond necklace after it which just felt so transactional and archaic and weird
but also like as my 16 year old self really special and cool and like I don't know it
was totally like a prize I don't know like here's a sheep now so bizarre but yeah I ended
up funny story like right before we broke up I ended up losing that diamond necklace
and he was pissed but it was like really poetic you know in this way yeah it was time to let
go time to let go yeah exactly so that was my first and yeah I mean I got on birth control
right after my mom found out that I had lost my virginity that I'd had sex for the first
time and she was all freaked out so she just put me right on the pill without you know
doing research or anything on it because it was just kind of like well I'm not becoming
an early grandma you're getting on this thing and I was like great I don't want a kid let's
do it so got on that and then I was on it you know pretty consistently for like 15 years
I took one year of a break where I didn't get my period for nine months and then that
was kind of it I eventually got back on it because that's when I met Kyle and the rest
was history but as you all know I've mentioned this in other episodes and I'm still going
to do an episode soon to talk really in detail about this journey because it has been life
changing for me and it's not to like say everybody should just get off the pill like I definitely
believe in it but I think that there's better options than hormonal birth control so that's
for another time getting off the pill has been a freaking journey for me it's been just
about a year it's been 11 months at this point and I feel like a different freaking person
in many ways so it's been a real learning for me how much the pill completely masked
and blanketed my sexual desire I felt like I was basically asexual for 10 years and it
caused a lot of issues in our relationship I just got so disconnected from this part
of me and even as I'm talking I'm kind of like holding myself because I feel like it's
really sad for me to think about how much I was muted and dulled and just felt like
in my relationship that I was just wrong and then I read the book Come As You Are which
totally recommend that if you haven't read it it's a great one it teaches you about all
the different types of sexual desire it really taught me a lot about reactive versus spontaneous
desire and really during that whole 10 year period I just like came to learn about myself
as more of a reactive person but I'd say since like January when the hormones have really
been settling in my body after like six months there I've been learning that like no I do
have this spontaneous desire and it is very much linked with where I am in my cycle and
it just makes so much sense now that like my hormones are able to do their own thing
that I'm actually feeling these things again and so I've been on this whole sexual awakening
journey for the past couple months and it's been really freaking cool and it's been doing
a lot for our marriage and I'm just learning so much so it's been very closely tied with
my latest spiritual awakening too so
yeah thanks for sharing all that cut yeah it's also so important to expose and share
that this is something that you have to actively keep working on and then it does surface up
you don't have to have it down and then feel shame when all of a sudden the narrative changes
or shifts or goes different you know shame is really the root of a lot of things locking
up and it's just important sometimes to even get that energy out like be able to have a
safe space to share and explore and say like I think some things are shifting so that might
cause some things to look different we you know making safe spaces to talk about that
so I think within society like let's kind of zoom out and go into that a little bit
that like first of all you know it's really tough to feel to not feel shame about your
body when a big chunk of our example of sex is coming from porn and high editing and you
know you don't see a variety of vulva you don't see a variety of body types and it's
just it can feel so shameful to think your body is just looking completely different
than what someone would desire when we are like really not seeing an example of how many
varieties and types and shapes and colors and all of the different things like that's
the most beautiful freaking thing that we all are like this like work of art and it's
so unique and I love that at one point on this planet it was kind of viewed that way
and then freaking patriarchal bullshit has created this like yeah just some really really
shameful stigma if you don't fit this one fucking type and because of that you're like
oh shit like mine doesn't look like that or this doesn't look like that or oh my god am
I like yeah so different than everybody else and that automatically creates this disconnect
with your body so a huge part of healing from that one layer of societal stuff is like learning
to look at your body like doing mirror work practicing like okay this is what this looks
like I love you you are normal there are literally so many freaking looks and types and it's
important to empower and know that instead of adding to the stigma that yours is very
different and everyone out you know there's all these other people that have it right
and I have it wrong you know totally I mean we take in what's right and what's wrong from
what we see and what's normalized and so it makes sense and like talking about porn and
it is made for men like the vast majority of porn and like hello patriarchy another example
and something I've been learning in this incredible audiobook that I'm listening to right now I
know you have it too Jen it's called tell me what you want what you really really want
no but it's called tell me what you want by Justin Laymiller who he has his PhD it's incredible
it's all about the science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life
and I've learned from that how like so many fun facts I'm like constantly busting them
out to Kyle who is now going to start listening to the book too but one thing that I learned
is how for women it's more important like the environment that like the porn is in or
like that the sexual like moment is in than is about the actual person what they look like
and with men it's more about the actual person and their fantasies like what that person looks like
and I thought that was so insane but like it makes sense because with women we need to know that like
the environment the setting it's safe it's appealing it's a place that we're actually
going to be turned on whereas the man it's like okay here's the partner it's all about the partner
and it goes back to like biological reasons for that and like porn is one great example where you
can kind of see that proven yeah and Pete a lot of the people within that are even experiencing
such shame cycles that you see all this body augmentation and surgeries and this is not like
a natural depiction of whose body is right and whose body is wrong and I think that part can
get really confusing for both sets of viewers and yeah as you said it's not necessarily always
divided by gender but it's been proven that women have a you know more sensitive like breaking system
of lack of safety so when things are when the context is more stressful or there's more stresses
to be perceived your body can't relax and get into that other state like we both we have a system
that turns on but we also have an ability to turn off and it takes like this sweet balance that's
what the come as you are book is like really hones in on yeah those accelerators and breaks
yes and this is like so connected for me personally with understanding the senses
and my mind and body connection and realizing that this still leads to the same homework as so many
other episodes we have talked about of regulating your own nervous system figuring out like what
makes you feel a sense of calm learning how to plug into those things so then your body's natural
state is going to more likely match what it's deeply craving instead of the fears being louder
the story being louder the easy stress system coming online because nothing is feeling safe
it kind of comes down to that same homework of breath work mindfulness self-love mirror work
learning to hold and touch yourself without loud voices coming in and telling you not to do that
like that correlates you know absolutely and it's also normal that that's happening because it makes
so much freaking sense when you look at everything and then let's talk to cat like i think another
like final thing to touch on is the fact that like when it comes down to like orgasming there
is going to be so many shifts and changes within that too because they've been able to show that
just regular intercourse for a lot of people is not just going to be it like maybe it'll work for
you maybe it doesn't both are normal and there's a lot of different factors that you might have to
delve into it might not look the same forever there might be new elements that have to be added in
there might be more practice and being vulnerable because maybe life has gotten so busy it's hard
to figure out like input space and time into that but i remember like a huge aha moment which i
think i've shared on the podcast before that like even when i was by myself i realized like moving
my body really sensually like moving my hips like slowly like kind of touching myself i couldn't
even make myself do it behind closed doors when literally there was no consequences and nobody
watching and i had like this moment of like wow if i can't even do that by myself without like
like blushing feeling weird being like this is stupid and just wanting to shut down how much of
that is correlating to my ability to connect on deeper levels so i started practicing and working
on that and of course the shame and like disconnect from my own body was correlating into everything so
as i worked on that i really started being able to see like just so much power ripple into so many
areas of my life yeah that's huge that's huge right if you can't be comfortable in your own
body by yourself how are you going to expect your body to perform and be able to do that with
another partner like that's just asking so much of yourself so the work starts within oh yes oh
my gosh and something else that i've learned from this book that i've been reading is how like
sexuality is a spectrum and when you start to uncover these layers of yourself you might like
as you're digging come across things that are new and maybe extra shameful like being attracted to
people of the same sex and like it's a whole thing and i know i think it's the next episode
jen that you and phoenix are talking more about this but like something that um i learned from
this book is how women actually have more sexual flexibility than men biologically and so like that
was massive for me to learn too of like okay um going back to all the way when we were like living
in tribes and had to um think about like raising a child if a man left we needed community we need
to rally around um this child and find love in other ways like it's really primal stuff and um
it's just fascinating to hear how how life and how our desire has developed through the ages and
let's just all practice giving ourselves a hell of a lot more grace and compassion and stop feeling
like we're wrong for anything that we're feeling in this topic and in all the other ones hell yes
yes so some some work on this if you're looking for homework if you feel like a lot of this kind
of like plugs in yeah as i've said like twice now mirror work i think is this really beautiful way
to start experiencing the emotions behind things like paying attention to what it feels like to
look at one area of your body uh like fully spreading your legs and being in front of the
mirror and seeing what feelings that brings up whatever is surfacing up like giving time for
exposure to that and practice it doesn't have to be like oh this is sexy and great on like rep
number one but it's about feeling and experiencing the stuff so you can slowly either work through
that maybe it gets easy really quick maybe it's more of a journey and that's okay and practicing
like actually touching and connecting to your own body because knowing that that actually
ripples into a lot is super important i also think when you plug into more intimate spaces such as
retreats and yoga classes and places where you're dropping into more conscious connection you also
will see this beautiful correlation then of realizing what's getting in the way from you not
only connecting to yourself but openly being able to be in vulnerable exposing places with others
and until that's practiced there can be even more stigma of like oh god this is weird this is
uncomfortable like i don't know i'm just not into that i like it more private like the privacy kind
of roof i feel like is so still coming from so much stigma because the more we feel like something
has to be hidden we already know that that doesn't correlate well to everything else so i think these
conversations are just super important too so finding your people that you can delve into that
with or even going to therapy to kind of keep exposing different layers of this stuff is all
very valuable work and read the books they have been so helpful for me come as you are tell me
what you want i originally found that guy uh justin lay miller on liz moody's podcast um her recent
one about sex and desire too so there's so many amazing resources out there highly recommend
if this is an area of your life that you're feeling a little like unacquainted with yourself on or
just lacking like do the work it's worth it yeah yeah and i'll add too like on netflix the principles
of pleasure is like an amazing documentary and goop has a series called sex and love it's on
netflix too and there was so much good conversation within that little goop series as well that i
thought really touched on a lot of this stuff too so do your research have fun even if shame cycle
comes up on research like keep working through that because it all really matters 100 well thank
you jen thank you everybody for listening we love you all so much and we are excited to hear what
you think about this episode please message us on instagram at awaken together podcast we love
hearing your thoughts and we'll see you all next time all right bye