Hello everyone and welcome to the Awaken Together podcast.
I am Jen and today we have a special guest that I am so excited for.
Lexi is an astrologer that shares a very similar background to me.
We have had these beautiful heart-to-hearts on TikTok lives and just become really friends
through social media and it's been so beautiful to watch her shine as she grows her own business.
And I'm so excited for her to share some insight with us on her journey of going from a deep
religion background into this kind of more freedom and spirituality and really turning
to the stars for additional guidance.
I can astrology nerd out all day long as you know.
So with that, welcome our astrologer guest Lexi Wilson, another Wilson.
Hello.
Hello everyone and yes, Wilson's in the house.
It's great.
It's so great.
That was like our first clicking point.
We're like, we feel good.
We got exactly like I can trust her.
I love that.
Awesome.
Well, I'm so happy to have you here and I want to say that I've absolutely loved your
content along the way.
I feel like we've been each other's height people and I've loved that.
Oh my goodness.
Yes, because your content girl.
Oh my word.
Every single time you post something, it's literally like when I'm sitting in correctly
or when I'm complaining about like back pain and then I'll see something like literally
I'm scrolling and you'll be like, you're supposed to sit like this.
And I'm like, ah, damn she got me.
Honestly, to link it to astrology.
It's my Virgo rising with a Virgo Jupiter.
I can't help myself.
I'm obsessed with mind and body, correcting the body, feeling into the body, helping others
with the body.
That makes so much sense.
Totally on brand.
That definitely is on brand.
Well, I appreciate the love and yeah, to start us off in this conversation, I would love
for you to share with everyone.
We have had episodes on really a lot of religion trauma and trauma in general, but I know that
you so share a similar journey to me and I know how many levels and how much work all
of the undoing of really toxic like upbringing takes, but I love for you to just kind of
share how you started this life and then kind of your shift into getting out of it.
And then we can kind of dive into how astrology fell into that too.
You know, it's so funny because right before we started recording, we were talking and
we were just talking a little bit about the Saturn return.
And interestingly enough, now that I think about it, it's like, well, the Saturn return
and astrology, not that I knew at the time, but now that was so astrology really was like
the thing that transitions me out of being inside of a very fundamental closed religion
into who I am today.
It was the Saturn return.
So we'll come back to that, but I just found that to be interesting that obviously there's
no coincidences that we were talking about that, you know, right.
Exactly.
So yeah, but basically I grew up in a religion that was very, very controlled.
We were told exactly what to wear, how to, what we could eat.
I wasn't allowed to wear jewelry or eat like seafood, like shrimp or pork.
I was strongly encouraged.
There are some sex within the religion that were required women to only wear dresses and
men can wear pants.
So I was strongly encouraged to really wear very plain clothes and mostly stick to dresses,
but I wear pants occasionally because my parents allowed me to.
But a lot of my whole life was just really controlled and I was homeschooled.
So even inside of my education, I did go to public school when I was younger, but around
sixth grade, my parents homeschooled me until college, which really controlled how I viewed
the world and what I was allowed to do and who I was even allowed to be friends with.
And so because of this religion, I was in church probably a good four times a week for
prayer meetings, youth meetings, and just any events that we had alongside every weekend,
we would actually meet on Saturdays instead of Sundays.
And so we would also meet for usually for Friday nights to bring in the Sabbath, which
is what we are observing.
That's what they called it from Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.
And because of that, during that time, that whole 24 hour period, we were discouraged from
interacting with anything that was from the world, which would be secular music, movies,
TV shows, everything.
All of that needed to be pushed aside so we could focus our entire time on resting and
communing with God.
Yeah.
Can you believe Lexi, my husband didn't even know what secular meant.
Like wow, side note, like, oh, I think I have this language that like, oh yeah, it's called
my friends and I call it Christian ease.
There is an entire language and it's so crazy because I didn't realize it was a language
until you're in the world.
Yeah.
You go to talk about it and you're like, wait, you don't know what I'm saying.
Like, right.
Exactly.
Because it's so part, especially if you are so closed, you don't talk to other people
who don't get Christian eats.
So you don't know that you're speaking an entirely different language until you meet
someone else.
And they're like, what is secular?
And you're like, what?
And so, yeah, so that was my whole life was just constantly in devout to the church and
it controlled everything, especially as you can imagine, as a girl, it controls you on
a whole different level because of the fact that it means that I'm not allowed to be a
pastor or to be an elder.
I can't hold leadership roles.
I have to control the way that men see me.
So I have to dress in a certain way because I'm responsible for them.
And I don't want to be a Jezebel, as they would call it, where you are causing men to
sin.
And so that was kind of the way that I was raised and I hated it.
I hated it.
I was third generation inside of this religion, which means that my grandmother joined when
she was a little girl.
She raised my mom in it and all her children in it.
And then my mom raised me in it.
And I had a lot of great experiences, but at the same time, I've had a lot of trauma,
just like many other people who grew up in this sort of thing, because so much of your
identity has to be hidden or denied or shamed, which is the worst ever emotion that any of
us could ever experience is that shame and that guilt that comes along with that because
it permeates through everything else in your life.
And so that was sort of what I dealt with.
And when I hit my twenties, I had went to a college that was also part of my religion.
So I was still in the church and still in all these things.
And even in college, you had a curfew, you could only do certain things and dress certain
things.
You weren't allowed to wear jewelry in school.
So it was still very, very controlling.
And once I graduated is when I first, for the first time got to live by myself, I didn't
have roommates that were also in the religion and I didn't have RAs.
I was an RA, so sorry to everyone that I have to tell the rules to, but I didn't have that
control anymore.
So it gave me permission to start to ask questions and take actions that I couldn't take before.
And so that being able to live on my own, I was still, when I graduated, I was still
in the city of the people that I went to college with.
So that city was very much like, we own that town, that religion like owns that town.
So you still couldn't do too much because everyone there is part of the religion.
But at least by being home and not having roommates and not having anyone controlling
what I was doing, it gave me permission to start to read different types of books or
watch different types of YouTube because in college, a lot of our stuff was banned.
So I couldn't just go onto YouTube, which at the time YouTube was just beginning.
So it was very, like, I couldn't go and search different kinds of websites because they would
be banned.
But once I moved off campus and graduated, I could go to anywhere on the internet and
that opened up a lot of doors, which started to give me this permission to explore spirituality.
And although I was terrified, so it took me a lot of years to actually decide to engage
with it.
I could at least like sort of look at it, the new age thing and just kind of look at
it.
But I wasn't like, I'm going to bring cards home or go get crystals.
Like you're waiting to see if Satan's going to take you down.
Exactly right, because that's what you're raised to believe.
I was raised to believe that literally jewelry.
Okay, this is why we didn't wear jewelry, because the idea is you're not supposed to
have any other idols before God.
And so if you wear jewelry, then what you're doing is you're putting something like adornment
over the what God has made you already look like, like God has made you perfect.
Why do you need to adorn yourself with these jewels?
And if you do, it suggests that it's because you are placing your view of beauty over God's
view of your beauty.
In addition to the fact that when you are holding these crystals or these jewelry, what
you're doing is you're putting this energy or you're letting that energy come into you
and it becomes a gateway at which Satan can confuse you and control you.
Right, I know.
So this is why it's like, oh, well, now this makes a lot of sense why we weren't allowed
to wear jewelry, because they likened it to crystals and to all these different things
on top of that, like you couldn't pierce your body, you couldn't do tattoos, because of
course, the Bible also discourages that.
Of course, the Bible also discourages against, you know, witchcraft and all these things.
So if you're playing around with cards and things like that, like, oh my goodness, girl.
So I had a lot of internal fear that I couldn't really get over necessarily, but the way in
which I was starting to do that was by one kind of, you know, Googling a little bit and
seeing like, what is new age?
Because that's what I used to find the term at the time.
But then outside of that, my life, I just hit the real world.
Now I was working a real world, real world job.
I was working in social work and you know, social work is, it's definitely real world
and coming from such a naive place, it was an abrupt change.
I dealt with a lot of abuse in my own childhood, but I didn't see it that way because it's
part of the religion.
It's part of the culture, right?
Respect your parents.
Don't second guess.
Yeah.
You know, so I didn't second guess it.
I just thought this is part of it.
So when I saw it in social work, I saw the problem, but I didn't see how it was actually
very much my life as well.
But by going through that, it did give me permission to recognize like, man, there's
a whole different world out here.
And a lot of these people that I'm meeting in like my coworkers and things like that,
I've been taught to think that they were, you know, like twisted minded and bad people.
And they were going to trick you and pull you away.
And now here I'm here and I'm like, no, these people seem really nice.
Like they seem normal.
They seem cool.
So all of those little seeds started planting permission to have doubt in me.
And so that gave me this courage to step into like, huh, okay, well, if they were wrong
about the world, what else might they be wrong about?
And then that's when technically I get to, I'm fast forwarding so much, but get to my
Saturn return around 28.
I really started to struggle with the idea of going to church and there was this documentary
that somebody in our church decided to make.
And it was about gay people inside of the church and they were sharing their story.
And the point of the documentary was basically to humanize gay people because part of my
religion as well was talking about how homosexuality is a sin.
And so here I went to go watch the documentary, even though many people in the church were
like, this is an abomination.
Why are we like, why did, why was this created?
And I loved it.
And I got so angry at the fact that these people are being treated so differently because
of who they are.
I was just who they are.
And little did I know that I was bisexual.
I mean, yeah, but I did not know for sure.
But I was so angry.
And then especially because I had also found out that inside of my church years back, they
had a very racist stance against black people.
And yet obviously they were wrong and they later on kind of mysteriously have removed
some of the chains.
You can see that they cover their tracks.
Right.
They cover their tracks.
And so at the time I thought, now I'm a black person just in case you guys don't know, but
at the time I thought, okay.
So if they were wrong about what they believe was their role in tackling civil rights and
racism, could they be wrong about homosexuality?
And why are they not willing to ask that question when they were also wrong about racism?
So that was kind of like something that I was constantly bringing up in church, which
of course was like, they don't like a questioner.
They don't like a questioner.
And especially when you're talking about, are you trying to get us to a point of, of
saying that we're wrong about homosexuality?
And you're also trying to get us to admit that at one point we were also holding racist
ideology as well.
Like you've got to, you gotta be kidding me.
You know?
So like it was, it created a lot of tension between me and elders in the church all the
time, which was good because it started making me uncomfortable with going to church.
So by me feeling that discomfort, it gave me permission to then stop going.
And around that time of 28 was when my life started to just fall apart and I didn't know
why.
Everything was just going wrong.
My job was horrible and that was turning into something that was horrible.
My perception of reality and spirituality was shifting.
I felt like I just felt horrible.
And at one point I basically was like, listen, if I'm, if Jesus knows my heart and I end
up getting to like the end of the line and Jesus comes, the second coming, and then he
looks at my heart and he recognizes that I wasn't a good little religious girl.
I'm going to go to hell anyway.
So I might as well just go all the way.
And that was my perspective that I was like, because if Jesus reads my heart, it doesn't
matter how I act.
Everyone else is going to think I'm a Christian, but Jesus is going to come back and he's going
to see that I'm not.
So I've just got to go and do my thing.
And so essentially at that age time is when I started to really allow myself to explore
like what, what is this?
And at the time Periscope was around.
And so there was this girl that would sometimes do card readings because I was too afraid
to bring cards into my house.
So much truth in your story.
You know what I mean?
I was so afraid that I was like, okay, I won't buy cards, but I'm just going to turn into,
into this Periscope girl.
She has to say, and every time, every time that she would go live, she was always right
about where I was and what I was experiencing.
And so that was kind of the beginning of my spiritual awakening.
It wasn't pretty at all, but that is the long, but short story of how I kind of got here.
Oh my God.
It's like, Oh my, like you said it so well.
And yeah, like it's so crazy how you have to kind of take the logic from where you're
at and walk your way to different stuff.
Like it's, I think it's very funny for people outside of it to, to know, like, you know,
unless you were in it, it's kind of hard to feel like how you have to talk yourself into
things in this really backwards way to like, you know, do it.
It seems like kind of ridiculous, but it comes in so many layers.
Because when you're taught from a really young age, that every single thing is out to trick
you.
It's so hard to trust, like so many things, including your own emotional needs, which
just like the layers of that keep coming.
You know, you just feel so wrong for feeling so many things that you eventually lose your
compass for even knowing what you're feeling and why you get so used to having like this
service mind.
And yeah, and the, I remember like my first like early steps, like, you know, it felt
so selfish and it felt yeah, there was just so much confusion on self love and yeah, being
of the self and how like, you know, there was just so many layers.
I don't know about you, but like I know in my, in my religion, we had that Bible verse
that was like, lean not on your own understanding and all your ways acknowledge him and he will
direct your path, which I cannot believe that I actually remember that.
Oh, I got him down.
Like see, yeah, this is crazy.
But because of that belief, that is part of why we were also trained to not trust our
own inner feelings because you're taught from childhood that your natural disposition is
to walk towards sin.
Yeah.
So if you're taught that we are all born sinners and thus born to do the wrong thing, and that
the way out of sin and into salvation is one to believe that Jesus Christ died for you
and two to live your life in honor of him.
Now you're going to, you can't trust yourself because you've been taught your whole life
that your heart is sinful.
So you have to lean on God, on Jesus.
And so that's part of what makes transitioning out of this so difficult is because you, you
are trying to do something that is, you have literally been taught is bad, is going to
send you to hell, to hell fire.
That is, that is where so much of the trauma really comes from.
Because if you know that, that, what, that even the asking of the question is, is going
to lead you there.
I know, I also know that in my religion, a lot of times the way that we understood Satan's
role in this.
Yeah, he can be just like light.
And so you don't even know how to trust anything because you're like, what if this is a disguise?
What if it's a disguise?
Yeah.
And for me, the way that they raised me was like, the way that this started was, was Satan
was starting to ask questions.
That was how they framed it to me, that if you're asking all these questions, you need
to be careful because Lucifer asked a lot of questions and look at where it landed him,
you know?
And when you're likening me to the worst possible thing ever, that, you know, it makes it very
difficult then to trust yourself because you're going, okay, so I'm born a sinner.
My natural disposition is to sin.
If I ask too many questions, it means that I'm just like the ultimate sinner.
Come on now.
So now am I going to leave?
No.
On top of, if I do leave, that means that I might risk losing my parents, my friends,
because if you're really like the way that I was raised where your whole world is in
the church, you're not going to...
You'll get cut off.
Yeah.
You'll get cut off because at the end of the day, it's, it's like why they have to, like
my best friend completely blocked me, cut me off and everything once she realized that
I had left.
And the reason why she did that, which I understand because I understand the religion, the reason...
You get the logic, you know?
Right.
The reason why you do that is one, she's a parent now.
And so in her mind, she was like, I don't want to expose my children to whatever sin
you'll bring into their life as a result of our friendship.
Two, I don't want my children to be influenced to behave the way that you're behaving as
a result of our friendship.
And three, I also don't want to be influenced or tempted to go against God's word because
of our friendship.
So even though it's not in my faith, it's not that it's encouraged like, you know, like
with Scientologists, they straight up say like, you have to shun them.
The church doesn't say that, but they do the same thing.
There's just no word for it.
Like there is in Scientology.
Yeah.
But they do the same exact thing in the essence that the only real relationship that we can
have at this point is if I am willing to explore the religion again with you all, and then
it's up to you to witness to me, which is a huge part of my religion as well was the
witnessing aspect.
So it is very hard.
And I feel like for people who don't come from that background, and even the people
who do come from that background, they can't understand why it's so difficult to unravel,
but it's because of all that, that that's why it's difficult to just leave because you're
not talking about a regular church where you just go once a week and that's it, which that
can even be really difficult too sometimes.
But if you are somebody who you were going to church multiple times and the religion
permeated your entire life and not just the one day a week that you would, that you're
expected to go, then you can, that you can expect that this process is going to take
years and years and years to deconstruct from.
Yeah.
Yep.
No.
So, so well said.
And yeah, I think for, for my family and stuff too, as more came out, you know, they believe
that this existence is a test.
It's a test to see how much devotion you will have.
So anytime I am off, you know, I'm so off track to my family and that I'm like, so in
this dark, like being so manipulated by evil and they truly have felt that way.
You know, I remember I started yoga and all the stuff my mom said and sent me and that
and like just the layers, but it's all because they don't even see the relationship to you
as like a daughter.
No.
As being above what the relationship in this existence is, which is all a test to see if
you'll continue to be devoted to God, which unfortunately is tied into so many of this
religion dogma, which as you brought up, and that was huge for me too, like reading books
and taking in documentaries and information like was so helpful to start to like get the
picture of it.
But when you look at the history, the church has changed so much of the little things that
they like stand behind and why they use the same Bible verses to yeah, really promote
racism and then that's all kind of been washed out and now they're doing the same exact thing.
And if you look at the layers on how they've kept people small and you really start to
notice like the yeah, the hatred that's tied into so many things and how it's so conditional
and not really this love that it's, you know, it doesn't match what they're saying as there's
so much that does not when you realize it.
Right.
Exactly.
No, it totally doesn't match.
And that's what's so interesting is that a lot of times, you know, you want to talk about
God is love and Jesus is love in particular, but then at the same time, in the same breath,
you know, you're using these verses to discredit people's natural nature or to support, which
is so interesting because, you know, I really, one of the things that really kind of helped
me to start to really reassess everything is being a black person that really helped
because in at least in terms of American slavery, slavery was condoned from a biblical sense.
There was a lot of, yeah, there were a lot of slave masters who were literally like,
this is what the Bible says about you and they would take the verses that were referencing
slavery, but obviously not talking about this.
They would reference it and then say, well, that's why you're supposed to be enslaved.
That's why you're this.
And I'm really just doing God's work.
So I always find it interesting when I'm talking to people of color, especially where I'm like,
do you guys know like the real history behind this?
Because that's the, that's the real truth behind that.
And so that's what it's like, you twisted that to support really your, like, this was
about economics.
This was about money.
It had nothing to do with anything else, but you wanted, you wanted the same thing with
missionary work where it's like, you go off to these islands, you go off to these countries
and continents and you say that you're going there to bring the gospel, but then ultimately
know you were really there to conquer the land and get whatever resources.
And disrespect their culture, villainize their culture, demonize their culture, make their
culture illegal in their, on their own lands.
What, like, this is crazy.
And you use religion, not God, not the like spirit.
You use religion, which is totally manmade to then put people into these boxes, which
ultimately was really about your economic gain.
And so that's where it's like, we really have to look at the truth behind these spaces where
how were they, how did they really affect?
Because now you can even see it today.
I love that you kind of brought that up because when times change, you'll notice that all
of a sudden the religions change.
So at one point when you're talking about racism, here it was, it was supported by various
Christian churches who had these beliefs about why they needed to do what they were doing.
Okay.
Well now, you know, I just saw in the news recently about the, I think it was the Catholic
church mentioning something about trying to change certain things in the Bible or change,
like just change the phrasing of it.
So it would be more inclusive.
And I thought that was interesting because although like that doesn't sound bad, what
I find interesting is that it's like, yes, but you see how it changes.
It changes the context of the Bible and it changes the context of the meaning behind
all of this stuff.
Yeah.
At what point are we not going to like fully redefine and just let it break down?
Exactly.
Because if you're willing to change it, then that tells me if you're willing to change
it based off of culture, then how holy and reverent is this or is it really based off
of the culture and what's happening in the time, which to me makes a lot more sense.
And it's like, no, it is your, when you're trying to take over people, you turn it into
this when you're trying to eliminate certain cultures, you turn it into that.
When you're trying to make something more welcoming, you turn it into this.
I mean, people don't want to get into the reality behind Christmas.
Okay.
You don't want to know.
And yeah, it's all rooted in privilege and so much of the, it's just tied in.
And I think what you said is so important.
I remember having this moment of looking at like the women's right movement and how much
the church got involved in that, like to try to like slow it down.
Anytime expansiveness tries to happen, what ends up boxing it back in is usually a huge
push of religion stuff.
You can look at the drug movement when all of the psychedelic research came, the church
shut that down every single time something goes to make us bigger and into more freedom
pull us back in that threat.
It's a threat of power and privilege and it stomps back.
And yeah, and even spirituality, this giant spiritual movement.
I feel like we have to have so many conversations about that, not ending up mirroring in a lot
of ways, some of the same shit.
Oh yeah.
Careful.
But I think in spirituality, like there is at its root, it's supposed to be this craving
for freedom.
And it's not that there isn't a lot, there is hints of truth that lied and so much, but
we have to get real on the history behind this stuff.
And once I did, it took so much of that fear out of me stepping in.
Cause like you said, every single thing that came onto my path in spiritual, I thought
I was playing with something so dark and that I shouldn't be messing with it.
I would like dip my toe in and then see like, is my life getting worse?
Is evil happening?
Am I like, is anything falling apart?
And then if something bad happened, I immediately would crawl back into the comfort.
And I was so scared and I was like, Oh, maybe something bad happened because I actually
am supposed to be boxing again.
And then I think when you look at how many people have been completely exploited by the
system and you really see it from more of a advocating for freedom for all.
And you really look at it in that way.
You realize that when you're behind the line of a lot of that strict religion, you're also
in the support system for so much, like just straight abuse and hatred and pain.
And you either need to get really loud on how you are distinguishing the difference
or you need to really get real and look around and see what you're silently encouraging.
Right.
And silently supporting because you're so right about that.
That's the interesting thing too, because even though, you know, I know people mean
well at the end of the day in totality, like when you're talking about religions like this,
religion is manmade.
It really is.
It's a set of beliefs that are created by groups of people in order for us to work together
to meet some sort of agenda or some sort of mission that we are saying we align with.
However, that doesn't necessarily mean that that's God leading the journey that could
be just manmade.
And that's where religion really is.
And the further you get away from the center of where that religion started, the wackier
and crazier it starts to become.
All of a sudden, all these rules start to change.
And again, when you also add in cultural shifts, when things change in the culture, that can
often be reflected inside of the religion.
And that's what we're watching in some places where all of a sudden they want to be more
inclusive and they want to be this and they want to be that, which sounds very good.
They don't want to lose their money, their money.
And it demeans the validity of the power with which you're saying that you have by having
this holy test or holy testament, holy books.
If you're able to change them so frequently based off of what's happening, then how can
you also use that same thing to continue to enslave the minds of everyone who joins or
believes that's why I made the comment about Christmas because ultimately Christmas was
and still is a very much pagan holiday.
It is part of a culture and it's multiple cultures actually, because it's really about
the winter solstice and that is across many different cultures.
They call it all different kinds of names depending on which continent you're in when
they're talking about it.
But it is this celebration of going into this winter.
But because the church at the time was beginning to lose interest and lose control, they figured,
okay, what we'll do is we'll start to connect the religious practices of the pagans with
the Christian ideology of Jesus's birth.
Even though historically it's been stated that Jesus was probably born closer to fall,
probably closer to October, but yet they connected the two in order to connect the culture.
So people don't know that, which I'm sure over time, just like they're trying to also
change some things now, probably hundreds of years from now, if we're still here, but
it's like hundreds of years from now, there might be confusion on what the Bible actually
said at a certain time because it's changing.
This is why it's like, when you know that it starts to change, when you apply it to
your personal life, you start to go, okay, well, if they're willing to change these things,
now that I'm understanding the history and the timing of this stuff, am I allowed to
change how I also feel about how this is, the role that this is playing in my life?
Because they're saying that I can't make certain choices based off of, well, the Bible verse
says this, the elder says that, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So now I'm not allowed to wear pants.
I'm not allowed to pierce my ears.
I'm not allowed to do this.
But yet, depending on when I'm born, that whole section or that whole verse may one
day be completely eradicated.
So can I live in that freedom now?
And that's the question you have to ask yourself, but that is something that it's very difficult
to ask yourself that question if you don't first establish that self-awareness, that
you are allowed to have your own thought and that your own thought is not simple just because
it doesn't originate from a Bible verse.
You can't even get to that question until you first get to that self-awareness of like,
oh, I'm allowed to be different.
I'm allowed to have a difference of opinion from what I perceive to be the God of whatever
church that I'm in.
Yep.
Oh, so good.
Yeah.
I think, Lexi, to tie up the religion and we'll talk about our journey into astrology
too.
But yeah, I think the top line for me that finally got me to stop being so scared of
so much stuff was realizing that fear is the body's system.
It's your nervous system screaming that something is wrong.
High levels of fear really cause dysfunction in the body.
And I said, if this body is something we're put in that we're supposed to have all this
deep respect for, why God wouldn't have us in all these fear cycles if that makes the
body work less?
Like that doesn't make sense to me.
And I couldn't get past that question.
Why would we be more scared in my body when I know it shuts down my organs and makes me
more sick?
Why would that?
That doesn't work.
It doesn't add up.
And that is so true because you're so right about that.
What a beautiful question to ask because-
And they hated that one.
Oh yeah.
I'm sure they did because their whole thing is around fear.
Everything is fear.
And the beautiful thing, it's so interesting because obviously we're taught when you're
inside that the world is nothing but fear.
It's nothing but something to fear.
And yet when you get outside, it's not to say that there aren't things to be afraid
of, but at the same time, there's so much more love in the real world.
So much more love and so much more true love, true love, true expansion.
Unconditional love.
The unconditional love.
And that's where it's like, it's just so crazy because it's hard because the way that you
control the people is by keeping them in that fear state.
Fear is such an easy way to control all things, animals, people, all of it.
Keep them in fear and you can make them do whatever you need them to do.
And so when you can, if you can get to that place of asking these types of questions to
go, well, why would God want me to be in that space?
If I know that that shuts things down for me, why would God want me to be there?
Just that simple question starts to give you permission to go, huh, that doesn't align
with who I understand God to be.
If you're telling me God is love.
Now, what makes this complicated is, for some of us, God is not love.
Sometimes for some of us growing up, God is nothing but vindication or God is, you know,
so that makes it also more complicated.
But think about that even if you're being taught or raised or were taught to see God
as this angry, you know, Old Testament God who, you know, puts the whole world under
water and Noah's ark and you know, like, yeah.
Then when you see it like that too, it, yes, it can be scary to get to that space of like,
okay, does God really love me?
Because it doesn't, God doesn't feel like love to me.
But I also want to implore you to recognize again, religion, God and spirituality, all
different things, all different things.
Yeah, absolutely.
And you are allowed to find out who God is to you and what spirituality means to you.
That is your right as a human being having a, or as a soul rather, having a human experience.
Yeah.
That's what you're here for.
It is to explore who you are and what you believe.
Maybe you don't believe in anything and that brings you peace.
That's beautiful.
Allow yourself the freedom to be in that space.
Maybe you believe in everything.
Then that's beautiful too.
Allow yourself to go out and believe in the trees and believe in the ocean and believe
in the, like, let yourself explore.
But I understand that it is complicated.
And so that's one of the reasons why I'm so grateful that in 2023, it's so much easier
than I feel than even, you know, eight years ago, uh, which is around the time I left the
church around eight years, seven, well, seven years ago.
And I would definitely say that I'm like, it was so much harder than even just that
time because I didn't have the vocabulary.
So I didn't know even what to look for.
Yeah.
Now it's like, look for, you know, Instagram accounts that talk about spiritual deconstruction,
Google these types of things, because there's entire programs and entire, um, coaches and
fields in helping people to overcome the fear that comes with coming from inside of a, either
a cult or a very closed.
Yeah.
You find that freedom and peace.
So many resources and so many people that have shared their story.
And I think as a compass within spirituality, like looking at if, if an account is starting
to sound a lot, like it's that you need to be really fearful of the actions you're doing.
I would, I would challenge, you know, looking, looking at what that's doing, because I think
when it starts to get so detailed in what you have to do to get X, X, Y, X, Y, and Z,
it's taking that curiosity and trust out of it.
When I think, you know, it's beautiful because I think for so many of us, like sharing our
stories, like I've had magic happen in my life and I believe in so much because of my
own personal experiences.
But I do think within that, you know, there's still no guarantee that one formula will ever
fit at all.
And I think it's important if, yeah, if something is making you have so much more fear and guilt,
question that question where that's coming from and see if it's coming maybe from poking
wounds inside of yourself versus if it's becoming once again, I think we're, yeah, we're rewriting
a lot of what faith and surrender and trust and curiosity looks like.
And we're still right fresh off of the biggest like religion controlled environment, especially
here in the U S like it's capitalism, religion.
It's so much it's yeah, it's tied in.
It's tied in.
Yeah.
And you're, and the truth is, I love how you also had mentioned earlier about being mindful
of even inside of the spiritual community because you're absolutely right.
You know, I have definitely seen some, I mean, listen, there's corruption everywhere, you
know, and so there's no, there's no perfect place.
And I've seen inside of like, I'm a coach and I see inside of the coaching industry,
lots of corruption.
Yeah.
You know, I see people who, you know, are calling themselves coaches and they're really
just scammers, you know, and they don't care at all about your transformation.
And so the same is true when you're definitely talking about spirituality, that if you're
following an account and it is really honing in on this, like fear based type of marketing
or strategy or wording, and you start to recognize that vibration happening inside of your body
every time that you're connecting with this person.
And like, like Jen said, like if it's not coming from a place of, well, this is about,
you know, fear of change or fear of healing and fear, you know, the natural fear that
we all get because we are, we also have egos that are trying to protect us.
You know, if it's not coming from that place, but rather it's coming from this place, especially
if it's coming from a place of like, I have all the answers.
I am the guru and you must join this month, come to my thing.
And I will show you exactly how I did that kind of languaging is no different than if
you were inside of a religion.
You have to be in religion to realize like it prompts the red flags.
I think for us, it's one thing I'm thankful for, but I worry for people stepping into
it sometimes.
Like I see it and I can, I can feel the familiarity sometimes, you know?
Right.
Yeah.
You're so right.
Like that's the good thing about coming from that background and getting out is that we
do recognize it pretty quickly when we're like, Oh, hold on.
This guru seems a little bit, you know, it's close.
It's close.
Yeah, exactly.
And so that's where it's like, be mindful.
If you, if you've never had this experience and you're really just listening out of curiosity
or maybe to understand someone in your life, you know, be mindful of even the spiritualists
out there who also have that kind of similar approach because there are so, there are so
many people who, and sometimes they start off good, but they turn and their ego gets
involved and that's ultimately what this is.
I feel like a lot of times with even with religion, there's so many religions who probably
genuinely started out truly good, truly with the intention of creating a space of peace
for people, a space of understanding, but over time or maybe not, uh, it turned into
something egoic.
It's hard to denounce.
It's hard to denounce your power and continue to humble yourself as you grow.
It's hard as you grow.
Yeah, it is hard.
And that's where it's like, sometimes that happens when you get people together.
And so even inside of the spiritual community, you have to be mindful.
And especially now when the internet makes it so accessible for us to speak our truth,
which is beautiful because it makes space for people like me and Jen to come together
and share our stories and connect with others like us.
But it also means that there are people out there who will use the same words and manipulate
you into losing control of yourself so that they can gain something from you, whether
it's control of you, whether it's control of your resources.
Like people definitely will use spirituality to also control just like they do with religion
too.
So it really comes down to staying.
I feel in touch with your intuition.
That's why your intuition is so important and finding that thing that brings you back.
And I know that we were talking about with astrology for me, that is astrology for me.
Astrology keeps me grounded in my intuition and my sense of like connection to spirit.
I connect through the stars and I've always connected through the stars.
I just didn't, I wasn't allowed to own that.
So I didn't, but the older I've gotten and the more that I've walked away from being
controlled, the more I have become open about what really grounds me and how I stay in my
power.
And I think that's why it's so important for everyone to find what is your truth.
Because if not, you will fall for anything that's out there that will give you an idea
or an inkling of hope.
And that's only because you haven't sought out the hope yourself.
You're seeking it out now in some person's doctrine or some person who says that I have
gone to the mountain and now I know all the things, you know, like, no, you go to the
damn mountain.
Yeah.
And you're not looking, you're not looking for absolute answers.
I think it's really important to remember that the journey of looking into all this
stuff and just hearing perspective doesn't mean that you have to have this concrete black
and white.
I still think some of that defensiveness of feeling like we have to know exactly what
we think and believe.
And we're so scared to, you know, not sound right or have confusion.
And I think for a lot of that, we just go into that research mode of wanting it to be
way more concrete than what it is.
So just remembering that you're getting this like beautiful toolbox.
And as you're even learning those tools, you're adapting so many skills, you're learning how
to listen to opposite perspective, you're learning how to hear something that you didn't
know about and reflecting on what it brings up in you.
All of these processes are a part of the journey, and I think it's important within all of that.
You're allowing yourself to learn, you're allowing yourself to grow.
It's okay if some of the like outlets you end up choosing are some stuff you also let
go of.
I think a lot for me, I could tell that my religion background spewed into stuff of me
wanting, I wanted to learn every little bit of it and not miss anything.
And that was before I would even let myself kind of believe in it.
There's like so much like so much obsessiveness around things.
And it was because I was so scared to be wrong.
I was so scared to question still, I had to do like a secret service, like investigation
into everything.
And then I realized that's still coming from so many patterns of not realizing that the
journey of exploring through all of this has been the actual part that has mattered way
more than the definite within, you know, now what I kind of subscribe to a little bit more
now and I also very open that every time I think I'm sure about something a lot comes
in, I am on a constant transformation journey in my birth chart.
Right.
I can't rest.
And that's so true.
I've been learning that too, that it's like life really is truly always evolving, always,
always, always.
So what you think you know now, you'll, you don't know what you're talking about by tomorrow.
And that's the beauty.
And I think when you're coming from, that's also kind of like, like you said, it's the
remnant of religion because religion there, everything is very black and white.
It's this or it's that it's right or it's wrong.
It's up or it's down and nature doesn't really work like that.
Now there are certain things that just are yes.
And so it's this and it's that, but it's because nature's ultimate goal is just to survive,
to just keep going.
It will do whatever is necessary to keep going.
It uses whatever it needs to, to just keep going.
So the fire that was once used to completely wipe out something now becomes the thing that
starts a whole new ecosystem because it's just about continuing to keep going.
And when you're talking about religion, it really comes down to following the rules.
So therefore there has to be only this or that, but nothing in nature or the universe
really works like that.
You think of like here we have gravity and it works this way, but you go to a different
planet and there's no gravity or the gravity is way heavier or whatever it is in order
for that planet in order to survive and do what it needs to do.
And even then hundreds of years from now that may completely change.
There was a time where Mars was a very active planet.
Now it's not so much, but it was incredibly active, had all these volcanoes happening
at one point.
Like it was explosive, which is why we relate it to exclusive side of our birth chart, but
now it's pretty silent.
And so it changes, it evolves.
And so that's the beauty of belief is, and that's, that's one thing that I did as well.
I, when I first left, I was trying to find the right, I first started to see if I could
find another religion and then just couldn't do that.
And then I tried to find the right spiritual practice.
And I was like, am I going to be a Buddhist?
Am I going to do the high faith?
Am I going to do like, I was trying to find something organized and something neat that
I could say like, this is who I am.
And in all the years of searching and going to different temples, and I've moved around
the country a lot.
So I've gone to a lot of different practices and faiths and things like that.
The one thing that I realized was every time I thought I knew something, I just didn't,
I didn't, you know, it would change, it would evolve.
And that's when I started to recognize like this, this really is life school.
So part of school is just that constant state of learning with what you know.
And that's the beautiful part of it.
It's the part of journeying, journeying through this, not getting straight to the desk.
Yeah.
And you didn't waste your time in all those spaces.
So much of that was either reflecting something deeper inside of you or teaching you other
perspective.
And that is it.
Yeah.
The learning.
That is it.
And I think that for me, it made me realize like, I really, really love difference.
I love difference and I love diversity.
I love just meeting different.
And what's interesting is like, especially when you're talking about like indigenous
practices, or you're talking about nature, it's also tied.
It's so much more, you'll find much more links amongst different indigenous practices across
the world, whether it's African or whether it's here in North America or in South America
or in the Caribbean.
And yet obviously, when we're talking about those types of practices, it wasn't like back
then they were on the internet being like, Hey, what do you guys do when you want to
connect to, you know, goddess Kali?
You know what I mean?
Like they're not doing that.
So yet the fact that even though they had no means to really get these types of things
out there, these practices out there, and yet they all have very similar ways to connect
to the other side, realize like the difference is the beautiful part of it.
It's this desire to connect with something else and that we're all in this quest to find
it by in, in that finding, that's the beautiful part of it that so you miss out so much when
you just try to put yourself in one particular faith or in one particular religion, you miss
out so much on the beauty that comes with exposing yourself to difference.
It's literally like, I look at it like astrology, like Saturn is supposed to be Saturn.
I wouldn't like it if like Mars was like, Hey, I want to also be Saturn.
It would ruin our entire galaxy.
So like, say Mars and Saturn to say Saturn.
Yeah.
And yeah, I want to, I want to link that right into astrology because you know, there's all
these archetypes within all of the different signs.
And I think, you know, I think it's beautiful because astrology is kind of this big data
collection and the spoken word and this refinement that has happened through so many cultures,
so many histories.
It's like, it's so, you can get so nerdy and it's so beautiful, but I think the important
part is yeah, we're coloring in a lot of what things look like in so many ways.
And I think in astrology, you realize that we create this really cool puzzle piece.
I was thinking of it when you were talking about nature and the fire, when you see that
all the elements exist in us in different ways, that blueprint, that moment we take
our first breath, just what was happening in the sky, kind of being this energetic blueprint
for us, all of these elements, like we fit each other so well.
So as you know, as unique, every single person's birth chart is its own.
It's so unique and there's so much you can like look into within a birth chart, but it
also shows our connectivity together because the people that are lacking fire in their
birth chart, like then you get to go out and seek like this, this balance and stuff outside
of you.
There's charts that call for you to have this pairing and then there's charts where, you
know, you have like so many things going in so many different directions.
And then just the way things fit, the way things fit within families, the way things
fit within society, the way we have personal planets that are unique to us and that we
have generational planets, all the biggest thing I am so into astrology, I will continuously
like love to learn from it.
But I think the big takeaway for me is the connectivity of all of us and how we need
each other in so many ways to, yeah, it shows what we're all meant to be working through
together and it helps kind of depersonalize things for me.
But I also loved it because of that very reason that it's lumping us into something together
and we all, I think, are starting to wake up to how much we need that sense of community
and how to step into what our own intuitive strengths are and we're making more space
for that.
But the astrology even of the collective going on, the generational stuff that's happening
right now, it's so pointing to a rebirth and it's incredible.
Yeah, share some of your astrology thoughts with us.
Oh yeah, yeah, totally.
Because you think about it, it's like, for those who are like, what is personal and generational?
But it's like your personal planets are the planets that really influence your behavior
and so those would be like your sun, your moon, what sign was rising at the time of
your birth, your Mercury, your Mars.
But then when you start to get into like Neptune and Uranus or wait, Uranus, because if you
say Uranus, then it sounds bad, Uranus and then Pluto.
These are the planets that will stay in a particular sign for like 10, 20 years sometimes.
And so they influence an entire generation.
Now when you said the generation thing, I love that because it is so clear that we are
totally moving towards a rebirth, having the fact that for millennials, most millennials
have their Pluto and Scorpio.
And so that Scorpio energy really is about bringing the death and the destruction in
order for something else to be birthed.
Revealing all secrets, no, nothing left unturned.
We don't even care if you died, we're going to bring up your secrets.
Right, we're going to bring it out of the dark and we're going to bring it to light.
That is Pluto and Scorpio.
And if you identify any millennial in your life, you know that that's very much generationally
how we do things.
And then you have that next generation, which Gen Z, they're really the Pluto and Sagittarius.
And we see that in the fact that they are much more wild and they love colors and they're
just like all about true self-expression.
No rules, no mensing it.
Yeah.
And not exactly no mensing it.
And at the same time, they still require a deep level of accountability because that
is what the Sagittarius is all about.
Sagittarius loves a good time, but also really loves higher learning and telling the truth.
And now we have these kids who Pluto is about to transition out of Capricorn now, and it's
about to go into Aquarius.
But these kids that we have that were born now, they're born with Pluto and Capricorn.
And the beautiful part about the Capricorn generation is they're all about, it's an earth
sign.
It's about laying the foundation for something new.
And so they really, after we have gone through these experiences as the millennials and the
Gen Zs, holding these people accountable, destroying the governments that have continued,
including religion and things like that.
Yeah.
So on brand first.
Right.
Exactly.
Right.
Yeah.
That sort of thing.
Now you have that Gen Alpha coming in, that Pluto and Capricorn generation that will
come in to say, what is the new thing that we will start to create for safe spaces for
our community?
That's going to be kind of the work on the Gen Alpha generation.
And I'm very excited to see how, what they take from all of the generations before them
and how they turn it.
Because the reason why things are in such a state of turmoil is just because we are
in these very challenging placements, especially with Pluto, that impact when you're, especially
when you're talking about religion and government.
And that is also kind of ruled by Pluto.
And interestingly enough, also a little bit of religion is controlled by Sagittarius.
So there's no question as to why are so many people leaving religion?
Why are they questioning religion?
Yes, because we are that Pluto and Scorpio, that Pluto and Sagittarius generation who
was meant to tear down these things.
So the next generation can start to create and build something more whole, more beautiful
and safe for those to express themselves.
Yeah, and then we got Pluto going into Aquarius, which...
I really am very interested with the Pluto and Aquarius generation.
It's going to be like every single uniqueness is I feel like finally going to have room
to breathe.
Yes.
There's so many things.
And Aquarius is about community too.
So I'm interested to know like with Gen Alpha coming in and creating a new foundation, with
the Pluto and Aquarius generation, I'm wondering with the uniqueness and the differences, how
exactly they will also pull together for that purpose of community because they care so
much about that too.
So I'm very interested to know like, man, what is the world going to look like by that
time we'll be really, really old.
Yeah, we're going to be in our 60s after this next Pluto transit.
Wow.
So I'm interested to watch and see like, what do they do and how do they change the world
with that, especially as it relates to religion and just organized groups when it comes to
spiritual practices.
Yeah, we're not going to be the same.
Absolutely.
No, we're totally not.
And I'm excited about it.
So fucking excited.
I love it.
And yeah, just as a final thought, so I was going to share too, you know, for me having
my birth chart and knowing some of the astrology, I really use it as a tool now not to get like
overly anxious and look into what's coming.
It's more of this like ability to co-create with the universe.
I know what's going on above me in the sky.
And then I know how to like, then get curious, like, oh, that's really beautiful that that
is what, you know, I'm writing what this energy looks like in so many ways, but it makes me
just move through things with this like smile, even when it's really hard, because it gives
me this ability to zoom out.
And my first birth chart reading had me in tears because I just felt like it was so beautiful
to see how I had already, you know, I already had done so much of what my birth charts like,
you know, overall meaning was, but it also showed that I was doing, I was living exactly
as I should.
And I think just feeling that sense of release was so beautiful.
And then at that point, I realized we're all just these unique souls and there's really,
we can be so harsh on each other for our differences.
But when you see it as this like little puzzle piece to the soul, I think it's so sweet to
know everyone's kind of figuring out their own little, their own little mystery of their
relationship to body and soul.
And we're all just here to like really just be curious about each other's stories.
And so I would love to hear for you just to share what the birth chart has done for you
and just a few of the pointers around that too.
Yeah, honestly, it's very similar.
When I first started, when I got my first birth chart, I was same.
I was emotional.
I was so like, oh my goodness, like this, I felt so seen and so validated, like I'm
not crazy.
This is actually like I was supposed to operate like that.
And it also helped me to validate a lot of the painful experiences that I had.
Because then once I started to see that it was in the chart, I was like, oh, okay, okay.
So there was something there for me to gain.
And so that helped me to, especially around religion, I have actually a lot of like Sagittarius
placements and religion can be impacted by that.
So I was definitely meant to like learn a lot of that.
And then I have Chiron in my fifth house.
And so that relates a lot to my childhood and that explains a lot of the things that
I experienced.
I have Chiron on top of my moon.
Isn't that not fair?
Oh my God is so I'm so sorry, girl.
I'm so sorry.
Every single thing that that I feel has to be tied into this deep pain that I have to
use to help, but it's so everything is so deep.
Oh my God.
Oh my goodness, girl.
My heart goes out to you.
I have to like send you a fruit basket because that is turning.
I'm sending you prayers girl, because that is tough.
But that's where it's like, you're like, yeah, the beauty is when you know that placement,
it changes every difficulty that you have to go through because all of a sudden it's
like, okay, what's the lesson here?
How is this meant to serve me?
How is this meant to heal me?
And that's something that definitely happened for me in having my birth chart.
And originally when I first started like doing birth charts, I really lent myself to like,
how can I use this to get stuff?
You know, and that's the very Capricorn nature of me.
So I was like, okay, how can I get stuff?
You know, and it works that way too.
But I'm like you too, where I've started to evolve more into, I just want to understand,
you know, and I really just want to work with the universe so that we now, like for example,
oh, this helps me so much a lot of times when I struggle with like, which I'm not saying
that if you have mental health issues, do not get help because you still need to get
help.
But there were times where, you know, I really struggled with like depression.
I struggle with depression and anxiety often, which many people are kind of shocked by,
but I do.
And I have really appreciated astrology in those moments along with my meds, but I appreciate
astrology because I am able to look at like, oh, okay, wow, I'm really feeling like really
empty right now.
And then I'll see where the moon is and I'll see in relations to my chart, what is that
activating?
And then a lot of times when I'm going through those periods of a really down time, it is
so tied and connected to my birth chart and the current astrology.
And by having that, it empowers me because now instead of feeling like, oh, I'm hopeless.
Like I'll never get out of this feeling.
Cause we all know if you've been depressed, even if you've been depressed a million times
and you feel so permanent, yeah, so permanent every fricking time, you know, but astrology
has helped me so much because when I'm in the lowest of low moments by myself and I'm
having those dark nights that you know, you would probably never tell anyone about when
I go and I open up my astrology programs and I look and I read and I see something that
validates my experience.
It gives me so much peace to know that I'm going to be okay, that this is supposed to
happen.
And then I start asking that question.
Well, what is this here for?
What is this here to teach me?
Or sometimes it's just to allow me to feel something because so many times we are just
racing through life that we never give ourselves time to grieve or to wallow or to just feel
without feeling like, and we have gender.
Yeah.
We have a terrible relationship to the shadow, like thinking that the shadow is then bad
when sometimes the stars are wanting you to sit in a different energy, just to learn to
the more you learn how to sit with different energies and yourself, you can sit with different
energies with people around you.
It's a piece of it.
And that's also like even within yourself, it's like sometimes you're meant to feel something
with no agenda other than to let it pass through you.
That's it.
And the lesson is simply that.
And if you are constantly looking at, and this is crazy coming from a Capricorn because
I'm so goal oriented, but I have learned that sometimes it's literally just about feeling
the wave.
That's it.
And because of the fact that we have grown so accustomed to everything must serve some
greater thing.
Sometimes we push past what needs to be felt and needs to be observed in order to go to
something else that won't quote unquote waste our time.
When you are allowing yourself to let the moon, to let the retrogrades, to let certain
aspects really impact you.
Basically what's happening is, for example, if you're talking about a Mercury and retrograde,
that could be a time, depending on where it's placed and what it's impacting in your chart.
It could be a time that Mercury itself is literally saying, I want to hold space for
your communication.
I want to hold space for the way you think and just let that be and without any judgment
towards it and allow it to come up.
And when you let yourself feel that a lot of times it's accepting what is not with any
purpose to get past it, to do this, but just accept what is, this is the way I think, this
is the way I speak, this is the way I connect to people outside of me.
And sometimes in doing that, that brings the healing that without doing causes such turmoil
inside.
So for me, that has been a huge benefit of astrology is that it has given me the courage
to sit with the uncomfortable emotions without fearing that if I sit in it too long, it means
that I'll get lost.
I now know that I'm like, no, the moon is only going to be here for two and a half days.
So what is this here to teach you?
Mercury is only going to be here for three weeks.
So what am I here to get?
What am I here to release?
What am I here?
You know what I'm saying?
It's so, so well said.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
It's so, so, so like magical in the end.
I love it.
It really is.
Yeah.
Well, Lexi, this talk has been absolutely incredible.
I would love for you to share ways that our listeners can support you and find you on
social media.
Yes.
Well, thank you so much for having me.
I really appreciate it.
And I appreciate all of you guys just for tuning in and listening.
And I really hope that you guys got a lot of good nuggets and just permission to feel
your feelings and be yourself.
And you can find me on Instagram and on TikTok at the Lexi Wilson and that's T H E L E X
I E do not forget the E, um, Wilson.
And yeah, I'm mainly there.
I also have my website that I'm recreating right now, which is pretty awesome.
Um, yeah.
So I'm going to kind of return to blogging.
Um, and I really have been enjoying that.
I have a lot of stuff going on in my writing house right now.
So that probably is what's going on for me, but, um, I've been really being called to
write.
So the Lexi Wilson.com is also where you can find videos and blogs and everything you need
to work with me or to just stay in touch.
And I am in San Diego.
So find me on Instagram so that way you can come to the events that I go to.
Cause I do do readings locally now and I'm really loving doing that.
Yeah.
It's been so fun.
So come on down to San Diego.
Amazing Lexi.
Thank you for sharing your heart and thank you for sharing the vulnerable parts as well.
Your story is, um, yeah, it's, it's absolutely beautiful to hear like what you have turned
your story into and taken both the shadow and the light and combine them so beautifully.
I am so thankful for you and thanks to everyone for listening.
We will see you next episode.
Bye.