1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,880 Hello everyone and welcome to the Awaken Together podcast. 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,640 I'm Jen and I'm Kat. 3 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:17,120 And today we are going to talk about the power of words and communication. 4 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:24,760 We have our therapy notebooks out and we are ready to go deep into talking about all of 5 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:25,760 this. 6 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,920 And yeah, I think we have some really awesome takeaways that we've learned through our own 7 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:35,360 personal experience, through going through the work of both individual therapy, couple 8 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:40,960 therapy and yeah, words are so freaking important. 9 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:47,400 And I think the way we learn how to say things certain ways can change so much in our life. 10 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:53,080 So Kat was going to give us a few things that we've talked about in previous episodes that 11 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,920 are definitely applied to what we're going to go over today. 12 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,160 So just to review Kat, you want to give it to us? 13 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:05,960 Yeah, yeah, I feel like this is really fitting coming from two air signs. 14 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:11,640 Words, communication, we love it. 15 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:12,880 We do. 16 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,840 Just wind us up and watch us go. 17 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:16,840 Yes. 18 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:17,840 Yeah. 19 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:22,160 So to take it back from our episode about the healing power of sound, we wanted to start 20 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:28,240 off by just linking this with the spiritual aspects of communication. 21 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:35,040 And that is about how your energy, your frequency, your vibration that you put into the air as 22 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:40,200 you speak words into reality actually has a tangible effect. 23 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:48,080 So there has been a study done with Dr. Masaru Emoto where he really was able to track that 24 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:50,960 water responds to emotions. 25 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:57,440 For example, if you're speaking into a glass of water and you are speaking words of love, 26 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:06,040 of gratitude, of peace, of saying thank you, just extreme positivity, you'll actually end 27 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:13,080 up with beautiful snowflake looking crystals that just like look how those emotions feel, 28 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:15,920 which blows my freaking mind. 29 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:24,240 And on the flip side, if you are speaking harsh words and feelings into the water, those 30 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:31,880 molecules are actually going to end up looking more like plankton from SpongeBob, like crazy, 31 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,200 like just mutants really. 32 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:40,600 So if you Google this, if you look it up, Dr. Masaru Emoto, you will see these photos. 33 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,360 I'm looking at them right now and evil. 34 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:43,360 You disgust me. 35 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:44,880 They look like oil splatters. 36 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,440 It's crazy. 37 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:52,160 And so I think that's really important to kind of start off with because our words do 38 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,880 have a tangible effect, right? 39 00:02:54,880 --> 00:03:00,320 Communication matters and we have learned this so much with our relationships, but we 40 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:05,760 can all take it back to childhood to really trace back how we learned to communicate in 41 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,260 the first place. 42 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:10,120 So we'll start with sharing our takes on that. 43 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:14,640 Jen, do you want to share how you learned to communicate with your family nucleus? 44 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,280 Yes, absolutely. 45 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:23,040 And yeah, even to comment on that study, like briefly too, is, you know, it's not that we're 46 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:30,360 not going to have every single array of emotions, but it's so obvious when instead of addressing 47 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:37,480 the need that's below the pain, we communicate to try to hurt people because the pain can 48 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:42,760 be so overwhelming to feel for ourselves and it can be so isolating and lonely. 49 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:48,240 And instead of asking for the help that we need and coming from a place of really what's 50 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:53,720 going on layers deep, it can be so much easier to be like spiteful and want to, you know, 51 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:59,280 make someone feel every bit of pain that you can to try to take it off of yourself when 52 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,680 in reality that never really feels good for very long. 53 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:07,520 So this isn't to say that, you know, you can't have really heavy emotions because I think 54 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:11,600 we're all going to have every experience of a emotional terrain. 55 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,600 But the difference is the energy that's behind it. 56 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:19,920 And I think when we learn how to actually recognize why we're trying to say what we're 57 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:25,960 saying and what's beneath that, which takes a lot of freaking work, we also can then be 58 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:30,060 putting out the energy that actually matches what we are experiencing. 59 00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:36,560 And I think there is a way to always connect it back to a real place of honesty and truth 60 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:42,280 and a more loving perspective and angle, even when it's not always like super positive, 61 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:46,000 there's still just a very big energetic difference. 62 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:50,760 And yeah, I've said this before in the podcast, but I think the head and the heart are they 63 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,840 meet together at the throat space. 64 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:57,360 And so our words really help connect the two. 65 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,600 And yeah, it's just super powerful. 66 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:10,280 So to talk about my upbringing, I have gone into this like so much in therapy and just 67 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:16,400 a lot of reflection that in my household, no one really talked about their emotional 68 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,400 need. 69 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:22,040 You would have never heard someone saying like, I'm feeling this way, you know, can 70 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,680 we support each other within this feeling this need? 71 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:32,520 I think pretty much every single thing was communicated through body language or behavior. 72 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:39,040 So you would hear someone like slamming the cabinets a little harder, or you'd see someone 73 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:44,040 go and isolate themselves and close the door, you'd see someone run out of the house. 74 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:49,680 It was a lot of behaviors that because no one was really saying what they actually were 75 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:54,800 experiencing and going through that made room for a lot of assumptions. 76 00:05:54,800 --> 00:06:01,200 So I think we all kind of learned how to navigate in an individual way, like how to survive 77 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:06,680 kind of that household dynamic, how to look out for ourselves and then how to read this 78 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:14,000 invisible kind of body language terrain to figure out what was going to be easiest to 79 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:18,640 do to, you know, not have to go into anything hard. 80 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:25,800 So I definitely tried to nurture a lot of my parents big emotions by being more pleasant, 81 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:31,600 taking care of myself more, not bringing up or facing a lot of my own emotional needs. 82 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:38,720 I did a lot of the lag work for them not communicating by just figuring it out and figuring out what 83 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:43,300 made mom feel the best, what made dad feel the best, when what could I do that would 84 00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:49,000 slow down their behavior and none of that was done through actually sitting down and 85 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,000 talking it out. 86 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:55,160 It was all done through these like, yeah, reads, which made me very good at scanning 87 00:06:55,160 --> 00:07:00,160 and reading the room all of the time everywhere I go. 88 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:06,480 But I've also had so many things like come up later in my adult years because of that 89 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:13,880 habit of not really knowing how to first of all face my own emotional stuff because yeah, 90 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:21,160 I got really good at making myself have very little needs, you know, convincing myself 91 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,480 I had very little needs. 92 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,280 And yeah, and then really focusing on how to make the person in front of me feel the 93 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,520 most comfortable. 94 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:34,300 And within that, I think it's been really hard to first of all come back to addressing 95 00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:41,680 my own emotional needs, but also then to not always take up the slack for someone that's 96 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,400 not communicating how they actually feel. 97 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:51,560 I, I think for a lot of our listeners, there's probably a lot of intuitive and empathic people. 98 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,320 And that is a real gift when it comes to reading energy. 99 00:07:55,320 --> 00:08:02,040 But it's also exhausting to always, you know, do the hard work for people instead of them 100 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:08,080 figuring out how to use their own voice or state their own need. 101 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,240 You're picking up on this invisible information. 102 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:16,080 And then, yeah, it just prevents a lot of growth, I think on both ends. 103 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:21,080 And it's also exhausting for the person who's always trying to do this, this reading of 104 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,120 the other person when they're not really doing it back to you. 105 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:29,240 I think it can be really isolating and lonely over time, because you realize you're doing 106 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:35,040 so much to figure out other people, and that's not always being turned back to you. 107 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,800 But that's also because you're not communicating a basic need either. 108 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,320 I think it goes both ways. 109 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:44,960 It's not one person's fault, but I have had to do a ton of work on this. 110 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960 Thoughts, Kat? 111 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960 Yes. 112 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:53,160 So all of that makes me think about something that I heard a little while ago that blew 113 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,400 my mind. 114 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:59,640 It feels kind of obvious, but I just never heard it put that way, and it's that empaths 115 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:07,620 or highly sensitive people are actually created from families just like yours, who don't express 116 00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:11,800 emotion and that it's not a safe place to verbalize that. 117 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:19,000 And so your energetic field is so hyper tuned to picking up on these tiny little nuances, 118 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,040 which requires a lot of energy. 119 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,760 And that takes a toll on your entire persona. 120 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:24,760 Yep. 121 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:29,800 And so becoming an empath, it's a trauma response. 122 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,640 And it's also a superhero, a superpower, right? 123 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:40,160 Because you're highly attuned, so it is a gift, but it's created from a place of real 124 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,840 hardship for most of us a lot of the time. 125 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:43,840 Yeah. 126 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,480 And I think it's a gift that would have probably been there. 127 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:51,640 I know for highly sensitive, they can sense that even in newborn infants, just there's 128 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,200 a predisposition to taking in more information. 129 00:09:55,200 --> 00:10:00,560 But instead of it being used as a gift where you still make space for you, I think it can 130 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:07,120 very quickly become this trauma response of always looking outside of yourself and picking 131 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,960 up on so many things. 132 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:14,040 And you can get really disconnected for picking up on what it feels like in your own body. 133 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,760 Absolutely. 134 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:22,320 And we have a hankering that a bunch of you, our listeners, fit into this box as well, 135 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:28,960 because there's a link with spirituality and people who are hyper-tuned to the senses and 136 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,460 in psychic abilities, right? 137 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:33,400 And so a lot of us are created in households like this. 138 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:38,360 And we are so focused on our healing journeys because we share a lot of the same roots, 139 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,360 right? 140 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,880 And so just wanted to share that because I think we're all in it together. 141 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,040 I do resonate quite a bit with what you shared. 142 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,440 And yeah, so thanks for sharing that. 143 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:48,440 Yeah. 144 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:54,480 And I think within some of that too, and we can go into, yeah, some of the stuff we've 145 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,640 dissected in this in therapy. 146 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:03,320 But I think the biggest thing to review is that even though we could be picking up on 147 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:09,040 accurate information in ways by just looking at what the person needs and not really making 148 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:16,040 them have to step up to the plate to talk and actually say what they are feeling, the 149 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:20,880 biggest thing is that we make a lot of assumptions and those assumptions over time, I think, 150 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:27,320 can really stack up and it actually can end up painting a pretty incorrect picture. 151 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,940 So I've definitely learned that. 152 00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:33,640 One of my favorite quotes is we make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage 153 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,240 to ask questions. 154 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,880 So I tell myself that whenever I'm afraid and I'm picking up on something and I can 155 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:47,240 tell in my body, like I so deeply want to know this, but asking questions is scary versus 156 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,440 doing kind of your secret superpower move. 157 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:56,240 But I've learned that it always ends up giving me more information than what I'm expecting. 158 00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:01,840 And I think it also helps the person who maybe doesn't read as well know what you actually 159 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,760 know about them. 160 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:08,560 And I have like, you know, this is such an air sign thing as well, but I feel like I 161 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:14,360 have filing cabinets of people of information on people just from what I have picked up. 162 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:18,520 But just because I have all of that and it can help me navigate the relationship really 163 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,720 efficiently, the other person might not know how much I've even realized. 164 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:28,000 And so within that dialogue, it helps both people feel so much more seen and heard and 165 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,240 validated and recognized. 166 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:36,840 And another component of this that I want to share too, while we're on it is, I think 167 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:43,180 a huge other part of communication is we have this basic need, right? 168 00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:51,720 This need of, yeah, I'm scared or I'm feeling lonely or I'm feeling unheard and unseen. 169 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:59,480 There can be a very, very basic need underneath what appears to be way different responses, 170 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,480 right? 171 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,760 So you could be lashing out and screaming at someone when reality underneath that is 172 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:09,240 an inner child version of yourself that just doesn't feel like anyone's ever actually 173 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,620 hearing them. 174 00:13:10,620 --> 00:13:15,160 So that's why when we go over inner child work, we're looking at what needs weren't 175 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,100 met in our childhood. 176 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:20,240 What did we continuously not receive? 177 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:26,140 And how is our actions of how we meet a lot of dynamics and interpersonal relationships 178 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:29,000 kind of mirroring that? 179 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,560 And so, yeah, I think that's another huge component of it is looking at maybe what you 180 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,560 were lacking because a lot of what you were lacking in your childhood is going to mirror 181 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:40,200 into a lot of your behaviors. 182 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:46,280 And this is also why me and Kat love attachment styles, love language, enneagram, all of the 183 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:51,240 things that kind of point to those, some of our childhood wounds. 184 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:55,000 And I think knowing your partner's attachment style, love language, enneagram, and knowing 185 00:13:55,000 --> 00:14:00,560 your own can also help kind of be like a guide map for some of that communication too. 186 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:01,920 A hundred percent. 187 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,120 I so agree. 188 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,120 Yeah. 189 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:10,720 And to share a little bit about how I developed my communication styles for my childhood. 190 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,400 My mom is anxious avoidant. 191 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:19,560 She hasn't taken any tests, but it's going to tell these things when you look back and 192 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,920 reflect on just all the things that came up. 193 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:29,640 And so whenever things are hard to talk about, especially when they involve her or any criticism 194 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:35,720 that she feels are being taken on her, as she will just change the subject to the point 195 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,040 where it's freaking comical. 196 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,080 Like, I love my mom so much. 197 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,360 We talk every day. 198 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,600 She is a fellow Gemini, like Jen, and literally I call her every morning. 199 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,760 And so we still, we talk all the time. 200 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:54,600 And if I know how anybody communicates, it's her, the longest relationship in my life. 201 00:14:54,600 --> 00:15:02,440 But yeah, whenever there's something that's faulting her, that is even political, anything 202 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,360 that she just doesn't want to hear, she will just choose to not hear it. 203 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:11,300 And she will jump into the next category so fast. 204 00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:15,760 And she expects you to just follow her there and not even realize what she just did, this 205 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,760 little mind game of hers. 206 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:22,360 So it's gotten to the point where I'm like, I know what you are trying to do. 207 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,400 Like I'll call it out, because it's so funny. 208 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,200 I can do that with her. 209 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,480 And then she'll just kind of roll her eyes and be like, oh, she sees me. 210 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,320 Like, damn it, she knows. 211 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,120 My brother picked this up from her too. 212 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:40,480 So he's similar in that way of just whenever the four of us are together as a family or 213 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,480 Kyle too. 214 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:46,000 Kyle and I love going deep and having hard conversations and we have a lot of practice 215 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,360 at it, right? 216 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:51,840 But whenever we're around them, it's kind of funny to see how far we can take things 217 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,100 and how uncomfortable they get. 218 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,100 Because we're fine. 219 00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,100 We're cool. 220 00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,100 You know, we're chilling. 221 00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:03,360 But they are like, okay, so the weather or like, how about them red socks? 222 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,720 It's just so funny to see. 223 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,200 And then my dad, he is anxious, secure. 224 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,900 I'd say that's kind of how I gather it. 225 00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:18,040 Like he will go there with me much further than my mom or brother. 226 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,520 And I think it's because he has had some hard things in life. 227 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:28,400 You know, he lost his parents at a young age and so hard emotions and speaking about them, 228 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,600 it doesn't seem to be as foreign to him. 229 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,420 So he's the one I go to when I want to talk about psychedelics. 230 00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:39,180 He's like a little hesitant, but he'll continue asking questions because he's curious. 231 00:16:39,180 --> 00:16:43,440 And my mom will just be like, oh, cat, I don't want to hear this. 232 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,680 It's so funny. 233 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:53,280 And then thinking about when I was in my dark cat days, I was having a really hard time 234 00:16:53,280 --> 00:17:00,080 in high school and I was battling depression and anxiety and all the traumas that I was 235 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,800 going through at the time with abuse. 236 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:08,240 She wanted to know how I was doing at that time so she could best help me and get me 237 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,800 the support I needed. 238 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:19,300 But I remember sharing with her how I was so sad and I didn't know why and just trying 239 00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:24,760 to explain through my words what I was feeling. 240 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:29,680 And I just remember her having a hard time holding that space because I don't think she 241 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:30,680 was used to it. 242 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:31,680 Right. 243 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,940 It takes practice and it's like a muscle. 244 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:36,720 It's a muscle that we flex. 245 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:40,860 And this actually came up in my couples therapy with Kyle the other day. 246 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:44,560 It's like holding your breath underwater. 247 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:49,160 When you're going to these hard, deep, heavy places and the longer that you do it, the 248 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,620 longer you can hold your breath. 249 00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:55,040 But if you're not used to it, you can maybe only hold that breath for a second or a couple 250 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,480 seconds. 251 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:01,200 So she would kind of make it about her without knowing that she was doing it. 252 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,800 And so she would start crying and saying, I'm so sad. 253 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,240 I'm so sorry. 254 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:07,240 You're feeling this. 255 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,880 I don't know what to do for you. 256 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:10,880 We'll get you help. 257 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,880 We'll get you help. 258 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:17,160 And then I just would immediately feel bad as the child that I was making my mom feel 259 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,160 this way. 260 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:22,240 And so then I wouldn't want to tell her these things to upset her. 261 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,400 And so that's parentified child syndrome. 262 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,400 So it's something I've learned. 263 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:31,680 I don't know if it's syndrome actually, but it's parentified child when the parent feels 264 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:32,680 like the child. 265 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:33,680 Yeah. 266 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,640 And the child is parenting the parent. 267 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,640 Yeah. 268 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:41,520 A lot of that comes from just not knowing how to sit with pain with someone. 269 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,880 She had to recognize her own pain to be able to see yours. 270 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:48,840 And that is really hard when you've barely let yourself go there. 271 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:49,840 It's exactly. 272 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:50,840 Yeah. 273 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:51,840 Yeah. 274 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:59,200 And she's someone who goes about life being dysregulated often and I don't think realizes 275 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,240 that. 276 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,840 We all know those people who are just always kind of high strung. 277 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,360 I'm definitely that way sometimes. 278 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:12,160 But when you realize it, it's like, oh, OK, who finally deep breath. 279 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,560 This is what being calm and grounded feels like. 280 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,560 Yeah. 281 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:17,560 Yeah. 282 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:18,560 Yeah. 283 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,680 And that's one of the ways that that manifested more in my high school years. 284 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:27,760 And this is so funny thinking back because I was sharing. 285 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,240 We didn't really communicate any boundaries. 286 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:34,280 And I don't think we really had very good boundaries in our household in lots of ways 287 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:40,080 because I don't remember ever really being allowed to be my own individual self as much 288 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:46,240 because the religion trauma that was interwoven within all of that, I don't think there was 289 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:50,640 a lot of privacy and space for my own individuality to have space. 290 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,280 But it's so funny how that manifested. 291 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:57,280 I don't know if I've shared this on the podcast, but I moved into my closet. 292 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,280 Have I shared this on here? 293 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,280 Yes. 294 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,280 OK. 295 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,280 I think maybe once, though. 296 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:03,280 Great. 297 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:07,320 I just moved into my like I shared a room with my sister and I moved into our walk in 298 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,600 closet and I stayed there for three years. 299 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:15,200 And if that's not like an example of like me trying to physically create a boundary 300 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,200 for privacy without. 301 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,200 I'm sorry I'm laughing, but it's so funny. 302 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,200 What is that? 303 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:27,440 Because it just so so's instead of like asking for boundaries, I literally created a physical 304 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:32,040 like manifestation of like, please give me fucking space. 305 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,680 It's like that Harry Potter life without choosing it. 306 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,680 Yes. 307 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:37,680 Yes. 308 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:42,360 And so, yeah, it's just wild instead of like, yeah, the realization that I had space to 309 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:46,040 ask for that, which I don't think I actually would have been safe in. 310 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:50,040 It's just funny how that kind of like manifested physically. 311 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:55,160 So yeah, there's there's so many things I think for each one of us who are listening 312 00:20:55,160 --> 00:21:01,540 that you can reflect on in your own journey, because I'm sure that there's habits that 313 00:21:01,540 --> 00:21:06,200 have come from both childhood and how other people have dealt with your pain that can 314 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,200 really stick. 315 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:12,120 And another thing me and Kat were talking about as we were brainstorming for this episode 316 00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:15,680 is another thing that can be really embarrassing. 317 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:19,860 And I don't think this is talked about very much at all is that our needs of something 318 00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:21,080 can also change. 319 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:27,040 So suppose you were really brave and you voice something that you like or that you needed 320 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:32,560 or that, you know, bothers you consistently, you could go a couple of years and that could 321 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,920 completely shift. 322 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:40,400 And I think we also are very scared of changing the rules or, you know, contradicting ourselves, 323 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:41,400 right? 324 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,680 Like coming up with something that we've already shared. 325 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,320 And it's it can be so scary to say, like, I don't know why, but this is changing for 326 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,320 me. 327 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:54,520 And yeah, we can get stuck in habit loops because we're scared to hurt people's feelings. 328 00:21:54,520 --> 00:22:00,000 When in reality, it's there needs to be so many ways to kind of navigate even the growth 329 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:05,240 and change that happens like every year we're on this, you know, in this life. 330 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,400 100% Yeah. 331 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:13,560 So Kyle and I are now on our third relationship therapist, third couples therapist. 332 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:19,240 We met with one before getting engaged and then we met with another one last year about 333 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:24,720 communication and our meeting with one about like children and sexuality. 334 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:29,800 And I think the reason for that is because of what you're saying and how we change so 335 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:34,760 much as we heal, as we grow, as we live our dynamic lives. 336 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,360 And Kyle and I've been together almost 12 years. 337 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,040 It'll be 12 years. 338 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,040 Crazy. 339 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,240 Like, come on, yeah, people are going to change. 340 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:50,240 And when we first started dating and got together back in 2011, like we were babies. 341 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,900 We were 19, right? 342 00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:54,280 And so Kyle hadn't begun his healing journey. 343 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,120 He hadn't been to therapy. 344 00:22:56,120 --> 00:23:00,900 He hadn't begun to process the trauma that happened to him in his childhood. 345 00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:06,980 And so once all of that started to unfoil and he started to do the work, his personality 346 00:23:06,980 --> 00:23:12,320 changed too with that and his needs and his likes and how he needed to be communicated 347 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,320 with. 348 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:20,240 And so we were talking about this recently of like, wow, the way that we interact is 349 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,880 so different now in so many ways. 350 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,640 And it's just had to evolve as we've evolved. 351 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:32,240 And I think that's what makes a really stable relationship and partnership is not the ability 352 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:41,200 to just change with the person, but to hold space and be committed to do the work. 353 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,040 Because if you know you love that person and you want to be with them forever and you're 354 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:49,840 seeing that they're changing, it's deciding not to just fight over it the whole time and 355 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:55,040 actually look for solutions and do the work and get uncomfortable with each other. 356 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,840 It's been a lot of the process. 357 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,160 Yeah, that's freaking huge. 358 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:03,900 And it's like, yeah, it's such an important point because me and Danny have had very similar 359 00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,480 conversations recently. 360 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:11,440 Like, I hadn't even started the journey on religion trauma healing when me and Danny 361 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,700 got together. 362 00:24:12,700 --> 00:24:17,520 And I feel like I am a completely different version of Jen than I was. 363 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:22,360 And within that, that also has changed a ton of our habit loops, the things that I would 364 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,800 have been really adamant about have shifted. 365 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,200 And yeah, it can be really confusing for your partner within that. 366 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:35,720 And so that's where the communication really has to come to the surface and is so important. 367 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:36,720 Exactly. 368 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:37,920 Yes. 369 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:43,920 So when thinking about just beginning a hard conversation or approaching, let's say that 370 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:48,320 you have something in your heart that you really feel needs to be communicated with 371 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,320 your partner. 372 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,840 If it's something that they're doing that's bothering you, if it's something deep and 373 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:59,040 dark that you've just been fostering and that you would like to connect on, this work happens 374 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,200 before that conversation even starts. 375 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:05,000 And this is something that I've been really learning through couples therapy. 376 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:09,680 So something that Kyle and I have agreed on is sorry, my voice is hooking. 377 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:10,680 Minnie. 378 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:11,680 Hi, Minnie. 379 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:12,680 Minnie has a lot to say about this stuff. 380 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:13,680 She's a communicator. 381 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:14,680 She's a communicator. 382 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:15,680 She sure is. 383 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:25,720 But it's making sure that your partner is in a space to even have this conversation. 384 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:31,860 Because what happens if they are in a dysregulated place and you are going to open the doors 385 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:37,140 to something that could potentially trigger their defenses to go right up and shut the 386 00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:39,800 conversation down before it even started. 387 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:45,220 So something simple we've decided we've landed on that really works well for us. 388 00:25:45,220 --> 00:25:46,540 One of two things. 389 00:25:46,540 --> 00:25:51,760 For a long time with our last couple's therapist, we were using the feelings wheel. 390 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:56,840 And now if you haven't heard of the feelings wheel before, literally go to feelingswheel.com 391 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,840 and it'll pull up an image of this. 392 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:07,120 This is something that I think 99% of therapists know of, if not use actively. 393 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:13,320 So it's a chart with a lot of different emotions so that when you're in that moment and you're 394 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,480 checking in to see like, okay, am I in a place where I can have this conversation? 395 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,400 It just helps you provide some language. 396 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:24,840 You can literally go around the wheel and share which words speak truth for you in that 397 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:26,360 moment. 398 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:30,640 And I recommend like each of us do that together and so that we know. 399 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:31,640 Oh, Wilson's changing. 400 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:32,640 I know. 401 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,640 God, everyone is talking today. 402 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:36,640 Yeah. 403 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:43,720 So just making sure that like we feel like we are in the right place to hold space for 404 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,440 each other and not let those defenses just come all the way up. 405 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:52,600 So that's one option is asking what's your feelings wheel right now. 406 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,840 Option two is even simpler than that. 407 00:26:55,840 --> 00:27:00,600 It's when you are comfortable with doing that work and identifying how you're feeling, just 408 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:04,800 asking are you feeling regulated right now? 409 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:11,320 And what that means is you're in a space where you feel grounded enough, tethered enough. 410 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:12,440 Defenses can stay down. 411 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:17,040 They might peak up, but you feel like you have a good grasp on your breath, where you 412 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:23,680 are and that you're in a space to hold that for your partner. 413 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,040 So that is one thing we recommend. 414 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:34,600 And then the other part of that is on that note of assumptions and expectations, it can 415 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,720 be really, really easy to go there. 416 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:43,320 So something that Kyle and I have gotten into the habit of sharing is leveling that and 417 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:48,240 taking that kind of off, taking that out of the equation by saying the story that I'm 418 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,440 telling myself is dot, dot, dot. 419 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:56,760 And this could be something like the story I'm telling myself is, is that right now you 420 00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:03,040 care more about being on your phone than you care about connecting with me. 421 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:10,040 And what that does, it's taking the blame off and it's basically saying that I know 422 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,080 that this might be an assumption. 423 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:17,640 And so that's just received so much better whenever we remember to do it that way. 424 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:22,920 And then the response can come from a place that again isn't coming from defense or being 425 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:23,920 judged. 426 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:24,920 Much easier. 427 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:25,920 Yeah. 428 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:26,920 Yeah. 429 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,720 So dropping defenses is hard, right? 430 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,400 So hard. 431 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,160 Really freaking hard. 432 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:36,360 It can lead to trigger spirals. 433 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:38,080 That happens a lot for us. 434 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:43,800 If we are just in that defensive place and I say something that triggers Kyle and that 435 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:50,080 his tone will trigger me, it'll just lead to feelings of abandonment and body language 436 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,120 have a big part of it too. 437 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:57,360 I've noticed that with tone, Kyle could say the same thing with two different tones. 438 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:03,320 And if his tone feels a little bit more harsh or in a way that I feel like he's acting as 439 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:09,040 a parent or talking down to me, I will react like the child. 440 00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:15,240 I have to respond from this small place where I have to just defend myself. 441 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:19,960 So the more we can get away from that and approach these conversations from those regulated 442 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,560 places, the easier and more productive they'll be. 443 00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:23,560 Yes. 444 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:29,520 Also, because our nervous system has these automatics based on our past experiences. 445 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:33,480 So it's not always your fault and it's not always your failing. 446 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:39,160 Your body has these stories that it takes time to rebuild your nervous system to not 447 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,240 be as reactive to different things. 448 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:45,600 And it takes exposure to a lot of those things and then regulating yourself back down to 449 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:48,420 get to a point where they're not so triggering. 450 00:29:48,420 --> 00:29:55,240 So that's an incredible practice to ask where your partner is at before going into all of 451 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:56,240 that stuff. 452 00:29:56,240 --> 00:30:00,780 And then also knowing that even when you're having hard conversations, they're always 453 00:30:00,780 --> 00:30:05,320 going to be slightly dysregulating, even if you do everything right, because it's vulnerable 454 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,620 to share what needs are. 455 00:30:07,620 --> 00:30:14,400 It's not something our culture has really taught us to mirror in any way, even on movies 456 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:15,400 and stuff. 457 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:20,400 But if you learn conscious communication, you rewatch movies and it's cringey, what 458 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,400 they glorify. 459 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:31,760 It's just so much reactivity and there's no hearing the need beneath the action. 460 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:35,520 It's actually crazy how much we've been fed the worst form. 461 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:39,240 Reality TV shows, oh my gosh, the worst of it, right? 462 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:42,560 Yeah, no wonder we don't know how to say stuff. 463 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:48,520 So I was just finishing season two of Jenny and Georgia on Netflix. 464 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,320 I love that show. 465 00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:56,960 I was so impressed that I think with this new generation coming up, Pluto Sagittarius, 466 00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:01,960 there's so much more conscious communication being shown even in TV shows. 467 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,640 And I am so fucking here for it. 468 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,960 In that show, they showed communication during sex, like, oh, that doesn't feel good. 469 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:09,960 Try this. 470 00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:12,440 Oh, can you shift your hand a little bit? 471 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,440 So I think it's just so much more of a 472 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:19,040 little thing and just talking about the needs being communicated versus, you know, doing 473 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:25,560 these whole like glorified reactivity things that sometimes get spun off as like passion. 474 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:32,480 And it's just I'm so happy that this is starting to change and it's going to take, you know, 475 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:34,420 so much more to get to a place. 476 00:31:34,420 --> 00:31:37,880 But I think all of us doing this work on communication is so important. 477 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:45,560 A few of the things I wanted to share is just to go over a list of actual ways to word it 478 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,160 that can be helpful. 479 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:52,960 So here's a few that I have just kind of played out in my own communication dynamics. 480 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:58,640 So first of all, if I'm feeling like I really am wanting feedback on something, I'm wanting 481 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,580 to hear what someone else's opinion is. 482 00:32:00,580 --> 00:32:03,420 I will say like, what is your take on this? 483 00:32:03,420 --> 00:32:07,200 And then I will share something and then give them space to comment back. 484 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:13,760 Now if I know that I am about to share something that I am not going to want feedback on at 485 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,800 all and I know that that feedback is going to trigger me and I'm really just needing 486 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:23,440 someone to help me feel less alone and what I'm experiencing, I will say, can you come 487 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,000 sit by me and just hold space? 488 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:31,240 And I do really well with having touch during conversation, like a hand on me that's regulating 489 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:35,380 for me because I have abandonment issues and I feel like I'm just going to upset someone 490 00:32:35,380 --> 00:32:39,600 and they're going to run off because that's what my family did when they were feeling 491 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,460 something is escaping from it. 492 00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:46,880 So it helps me feel really good to have like an anchor, like a physical anchor on me when 493 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,720 I'm communicating. 494 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:56,520 And then, yeah, I think saying I have gotten a lot better at instead of assuming something 495 00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:01,160 from body language, like seeing someone's shoulders all of a sudden like shrug and then 496 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:06,120 just being like, never mind, just forget it, you know, which is so common. 497 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:12,640 You see them like change and instead of, yeah, trying to figure that out, you act from a 498 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:17,280 place on they don't care, they don't give a shit, like we'll just end it then. 499 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:20,400 And instead I'll say like, I noticed your shoulders just changed. 500 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:24,840 Can you tell me what's happening for you so that we can navigate this together? 501 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:32,760 So easy, you point out what you notice instead of trying to go on a defense because of it. 502 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:37,600 And then another one is how can I help you or how can I support you when you're feeling 503 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:40,480 like your partner is sharing something? 504 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:45,520 Those little words can be so helpful to just have a give them an out or have them learn 505 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:50,160 how to give you that out of what do you need from this? 506 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:55,540 Talking if maybe they want advice, validation, distraction, or just for you to be here and 507 00:33:55,540 --> 00:33:58,240 hold space once again. 508 00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:04,560 And then I think another freaking huge one, I don't think this necessarily, I feel like 509 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:11,120 with like my air sign and like my love of talking and communication, I have, I've said 510 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:15,880 a lot on here, I feel like I'm like a top down processor, like I think before I feel 511 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:21,920 so this doesn't come up for me as much, but you're allowed to ask for time and you're 512 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:27,080 allowed to say pause, you're allowed to say like, I need time to feel into this and I 513 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,280 really don't have the words for it at this exact moment. 514 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:35,720 That can help someone across from you feel just as supported because you're voicing that 515 00:34:35,720 --> 00:34:38,480 you don't have what the answer is right now. 516 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:43,000 And I think sometimes we get so scared to pause the other person because we feel like 517 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:47,920 we're going to get in trouble or you know, they're going to read it the wrong way, but 518 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:52,480 that helps at least give an answer versus trying to fake your way through it, which 519 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:57,400 doesn't really lead to a pure, more authentic like energy exchange. 520 00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:02,600 So knowing that if your feelings are so overwhelming that you don't even know how to really say 521 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:06,940 what's going on, don't feel like you have to put words on something right away. 522 00:35:06,940 --> 00:35:10,480 Your feelings are just as valid as what your thoughts are. 523 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:16,160 And sometimes the feelings need space to cultivate thinking and thoughts to be able to even say 524 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:17,160 it. 525 00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:19,760 You don't always have to keep up with the other person that's in front of you. 526 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:22,060 And I think that's important too. 527 00:35:22,060 --> 00:35:23,560 And then a hundred percent. 528 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:24,560 Yeah. 529 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:25,640 Just a comment on that one. 530 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:30,120 It's something that actually just last night, Kyle and I had a situation like this and he 531 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,000 was kind of like, yeah, you know, I don't really know what else to say. 532 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,160 I'm just feeling kind of down. 533 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,880 And I was like, I understand. 534 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,440 I'm sorry. 535 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,680 I don't really know what to say right now either. 536 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:45,600 And I'm kind of afraid that anything I say is just going to make this worse. 537 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:49,440 So I'm going to go take a shower, but know that I love you. 538 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,600 And when you want to talk about this, I'm going to be right here. 539 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:53,600 Perfect. 540 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:54,600 Happy to pick it back up. 541 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,560 Yeah, that feels good. 542 00:35:56,560 --> 00:36:01,880 That's like a warm hug to hear, you know, and saying that, yeah, I want to come back 543 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,320 to this conversation is so huge. 544 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:08,120 It's showing that the person's not going to be abandoned or alone or that they're crazy 545 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,040 for what they're experiencing. 546 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:13,760 But you're also knowing that you don't need to be pushing full steam ahead. 547 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:19,640 I think a lot of that comes from ego and pride and trying to be right to always just keep 548 00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:24,240 dumping stuff out even when you're not even intentionally connected to it at that point, 549 00:36:24,240 --> 00:36:25,240 you know? 550 00:36:25,240 --> 00:36:28,640 Yeah, a lot of it for me comes from trying to fix it. 551 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:34,040 And I'm such a doer and a fixer and just being with feelings sometimes can be hard for me, 552 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,720 like the holding the breath thing, like Kyle can hold his breath and go deep with hard 553 00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:39,480 feelings much longer than I can. 554 00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:45,160 Yeah, because he's had a lot of unfortunate practice, you know, with having just enduring 555 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:46,600 more trauma in his life. 556 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:52,720 But just just learning that and still being there for it and and just sharing, you know, 557 00:36:52,720 --> 00:36:56,640 like I'm kind of at the end of my capacity to hold the space for this. 558 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:57,760 It's nothing against you. 559 00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:58,760 I love you. 560 00:36:58,760 --> 00:36:59,880 But I want to come back to this. 561 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,160 I just need a little break. 562 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,400 Yeah, advocating for yourself. 563 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:04,360 So so perfect. 564 00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:09,320 And then just a couple other things I wrote is that we also can help each other regulate 565 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:10,320 in conversation. 566 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,080 So I mentioned that touch helps. 567 00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:18,720 I also think like being able to say like, I see you, I hear you or I'm with you or you're 568 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:24,120 safe like these little lines when feelings are getting really heavy can feel like the 569 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:26,000 most supportive thing. 570 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:32,360 And I think teaching your partner the words that help you feel, you know, held and vice 571 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:34,520 versa can also be really important. 572 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:39,520 Like someone saying you're safe in the middle of me talking is huge for me because I usually 573 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,860 am so far from feeling safe. 574 00:37:41,860 --> 00:37:43,240 It's not even funny. 575 00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:48,600 So having that line can be a game changer for my nervous system as I'm navigating something 576 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:49,600 challenging. 577 00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:50,600 That's beautiful. 578 00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:52,920 Yeah, such good tips. 579 00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:58,880 I have just a couple more to add to the list for more so like, OK, you and your partner 580 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:03,520 have kind of concluded a hard conversation, right? 581 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:08,360 And you might not be feeling amazing, even though you kind of worked your way through 582 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:09,360 it. 583 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:14,080 So a couple things that we have learned to do in this point is sharing like, OK, my inner 584 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,000 child is feeling this right now. 585 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:20,760 Like my inner child just kind of naming that part of you, my inner teenager is feeling 586 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:25,680 like a little rebellious, like it wants to just say, it's not fair. 587 00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:28,080 Why do we always have to have conversations like this? 588 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,480 And kind of bond on that, right? 589 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:36,360 And just ask how the different ages, the different parts of you are feeling at that time. 590 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:41,640 And something that is super simple, but really healing is after one of those conversations 591 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:45,000 have concluded, it's doing a nice heart hug. 592 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:50,360 And so oftentimes when we hug somebody, naturally we go to the left. 593 00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:55,640 But the invitation for a heart hug is to actually go to the right for each other. 594 00:38:55,640 --> 00:39:02,040 And that allows the heart of each of us to really place itself on each other's hearts 595 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:07,560 and just hold each other right there until you can kind of feel each other soften into 596 00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,480 it and just kind of melt and get ooey gooey. 597 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:16,400 And you're able to just kind of see each other for who each other is and not the energy that 598 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:21,200 might have just been drawn up through that whole conversation. 599 00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:27,880 So eye gazing long enough for like sometimes tears to come or just to really feel like 600 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:34,000 you're seeing each other through the words and really seeing that soul that you love. 601 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:37,320 And then leaning into each other's love languages. 602 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:41,520 If you've kind of moved past it and you want to show your person or your friend or whoever 603 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:49,120 it is that you respect them and are listening to them doing something that is along the 604 00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:50,820 way that they like to receive love. 605 00:39:50,820 --> 00:39:56,220 So for Kyle, if he after a hard conversation were to like, I don't know, take Minnie for 606 00:39:56,220 --> 00:40:01,520 a walk on one of the days that it's my days to walk her just because he knows that he 607 00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:04,880 wants to do something nice for me and that it's my love language. 608 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:05,880 Like, oh, beautiful. 609 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:06,880 Like swoon. 610 00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:07,880 So sweet. 611 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:14,080 And for his like words of affirmation, if I can really say something that I've seen 612 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:18,400 him do that I really, really appreciate little things like that, right? 613 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:24,720 How can we show each other that we love each other and that we're there and that these 614 00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:28,680 conversations, the hard ones are really just measures of growth. 615 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:29,680 They're needed. 616 00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:35,720 And I fully believe that in any relationship that you're having hard conversations about 617 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:43,360 the important things, those are the real like soul contract important life relationships 618 00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,480 rather than the shallow ones where you never argue or fight ever. 619 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:52,280 Like there's just so much room and amplitude for growth and healing when we're doing the 620 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:53,280 hard things. 621 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:54,280 Yeah. 622 00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:58,000 We are all navigating being our weird little human selves together. 623 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,660 And it's actually the cutest thing when you zoom out. 624 00:41:00,660 --> 00:41:01,660 So I love that. 625 00:41:01,660 --> 00:41:02,660 Yeah. 626 00:41:02,660 --> 00:41:03,660 That's right. 627 00:41:03,660 --> 00:41:06,720 Well, thank you for your words, Kat. 628 00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:08,840 And thank you all for listening. 629 00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:14,440 We will share that feelings wheel with you and we'd love to hear feedback as always. 630 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:18,840 If you can make sure you're following us on Instagram at the awaken together podcast, 631 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:24,600 make sure that you are following our podcast, reviewing it to continue to help us grow for 632 00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:25,960 the season four. 633 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:26,960 We love you guys. 634 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:27,960 Love you. 635 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:28,960 Thank you so much. 636 00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:29,960 Bye. 637 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:44,960 Bye.