Hello everybody and welcome to a new episode of the Awaken Together podcast.
I'm Kat.
I'm Jen.
And in today's episode, we are talking about loving kindness.
How loving yourself makes others feel okay to do the same, thus making the world a better
place.
Beautiful topic.
But before we get into it, we figured we'd give a little life update.
It feels like a long time since we've dropped in.
So the first update for our actual podcast is we are doing an April giveaway.
So if you share any of the posts from the Awaken Together page and tag Awaken Together
podcast, we will see your submission and we're going to draw a special winner to receive
one of three options for me and Kat to do a one-on-one session with you.
And in personal Jen's life, I'm really still getting settled from the year of traveling.
I'm trying to really find balance in doing physical therapy job and then also still doing
kind of this more expansive side of myself where I've been really into helping guide
others through a spiritual healing journey.
So I'm trying to kind of navigate my hours appropriately for the two worlds.
And honestly, it's been really nice to put like, yeah, 25 hours into the physical therapy
worlds and then save some hours for kind of my creative spirit.
So I've been finding balance in that.
It's so nice to be in Denver and get to experience the city again and live close to Kat.
It's been so great to have you back in Denver and like we're recording in person, which
we weren't for all of last year.
And so it still feels like a treat.
And this is actually our first time recording in my new house.
A big clap everyone.
Yes.
So I've shared some of the turmoil that happened in the whole home buying process.
And like when we finally bought the house, there were cockroaches and a break-in and
just like everything that could have gone wrong, it felt like did.
But now we're in a point where we've been living here for like three weeks and it feels
like home.
And honestly, it looks like home.
Like, it's very impressive.
Like I came in and yeah, she's killed it.
Thank you.
I mean, I've been kind of treating it as my full time job decorating, settling in, but
I feel like I'm really living by my New Year's intention of rooting.
So I have this going on.
I'm also like interviewing for my first corporate job role in like so long.
And I mean, it's my first interview at a corporate place in like four and a half years.
So please send me all of your good energy by the time this episode comes out.
I will know if it's happening or not.
So yeah, all the good juju, please.
I love the ups and downs.
I also love that.
Yeah, on this journey, when we first started the podcast, we had both like, you know, completely
cleared our plate so that we could try to create and kind of manifest the stuff that
we were deeply craving and wanting into our reality.
And now we're kind of both at an integration place.
So it's really cool.
Absolutely.
It's like we're not going to forget or leave anything that we've learned or done.
Now it's just a matter of like, okay, entering this next new chapter of our lives, how can
we take all of our passions and make it work for like all the things we want and need right
now?
Absolutely.
Couldn't have said it better.
So as we delve into this topic, we wanted to first take turns just sharing our kind
of self-love journey in short, just to give you some references of the ups and downs of
that journey, the takeaways and really introduce kind of the shadow side that you have to face
in order to cultivate a real relationship with yourself.
So Kat, you want to start us off?
Sure.
Yeah.
So I have lovingly referenced my dark cat days many a time on here.
Dark cat.
My times in high school and yeah, really just high school were my darkest days, but definitely
struggled with insecurities, my confidence for a long time.
And of course I'm human.
And so I still have days like that.
But those days are farther and fewer in between since I have been doing this work for years
on end now of self-love and acceptance.
Really, that's the key to it all is acceptance.
And we'll talk a little bit more about that.
But for me, it started out as like a weight thing.
And that was like the thing, the area of my life that I could kind of point to rather
than like facing my internal demons of, oh, these toxic personality traits or like how
I'm showing up in my relationships.
Like no, for me, it all just came bubbling down to my weight.
But once I was able to establish a healthy relationship with my weight and with my self
image and my body, that's when I was able to start doing healing work on like my thoughts,
my thought patterns, my triggers, my emotions, my defenses, my protections, all these different
parts of myself that I had never really faced before.
And I like to call that my inner critic.
So the inner critic, the inner best friend, we've also talked about in the past on here
as well.
And I really like to think of the inner best friend as like your highest self, your true
self.
But Jen, I want to hear a little bit about your story.
Yeah.
I'll definitely take on that inner critic role because I had a super loud inner critic.
But here's the funny part.
Before I did any healing or any looking at my past or any reflection or trauma work or
any of that stuff, I thought my inner critic was amazing and that I had to have it to motivate
myself.
I was like in love with my inner critic and it was so mean.
Like I really thought that like self like deprecating and being mean to myself was completely
normal and that if I were to ever like let go of that, that I would fall apart.
So I almost idolized that mean voice in my head.
I remember, yeah, and I obviously struggled with body image stuff a lot.
That was a huge part of my upbringing as well.
We talked about that, I think with family wounds and bot.
But just it definitely was passed down in my family to really, really hate ourselves.
Honestly, it was really passed down that we just like shouldn't value ourselves really
in any way, shape or form unless we're helping other people.
That was pretty much the only thing really praised in my household.
But I remember as I used to diet and like get obsessed with exercising, I used to have
the meanest thoughts while I would run.
I'd be like, God, look at you.
Look how bad you're doing.
You need so much more of this running.
And if I'd get tired, I'd be like, and this is why you're fat.
This is why you, because you quit.
Just this constant terrible voice about every single thing I was doing, pretty much shaming
myself through every experience I was going through.
But thinking like that was motivating, like just a screwed up way of thinking.
I really believe that, yeah, shame has like a very, very loud voice and shame tends to
really isolate us and thinking that we are like alone in our suffering.
And I had just a lot of shame on looking weak or looking less than.
And that really leads to kind of a comparison mindset.
I remember I used to look at my friends and be like, yeah, they don't go through half
the stuff I go through because they look perfect.
Like they have much thinner bodies than me.
People find them attractive.
And yeah, thinking that I almost deserve the problems that were happening to me because
I just wasn't given the same luxuries as other people, which is completely BS.
And everyone feels that way in some category of their life.
You can't beat it.
So even when I lost weight, the voice would find something else to compare.
Like I remember when I was single, I would look at people and be like, well, life's obviously
easy for them because they have a partner.
Like how lucky for them to have someone that loves them.
Just it would creep into every single aspect of my life to avoid me looking at my own pain,
but finding a reason why everyone else is so happy and I'm suffering.
That's when we explain that people are mirrors and how what you deflect on other people is
actually a reflection of how you see yourself.
So absolutely.
And I think what I've seen shift the most, my inner critic still comes.
And as you said, like it's definitely way less loud and way less frequent.
But I think one of the other big shifts I noticed is I used to be a pretty judgmental
person.
I used to look out, obviously thinking those things about even close friends of mine is
like, I mean, it was not the best way of thinking.
Instead of looking at their highlights and hyping people up around me, I was constantly
using them to compare my self worth.
But I also was so judgmental.
I remember I used to look at people and think, well, that person's like way weirder than
me or people think they're weird or yeah, you know, it's it's it all comes in the comparison
mindset.
But yeah, judgmental voice has like pretty much been eliminated.
I was going out before we started.
I feel like pretty much anyone can do anything now.
And I'm like, ah, OK, cool.
That's their take.
It's just like so much more compassion towards others because I have it for myself.
Mm hmm.
Like, I love that for you, no matter what it is.
Yeah, I do.
I really feel that way.
And I definitely did not for a long time.
Yeah, I feel that.
And as you were speaking, I had kind of like an aha moment with what you were sharing.
And OK, you ready for that?
Give it to me.
I think that people are afraid of loving themselves.
Yeah, I think that a lot of people are afraid of like what that will mean and being so closely
identified with the inner critic and with that voice that's like putting others down,
putting yourself down that like it's like a whole new identity.
And that's scary.
And there's a lot of fear tied to that.
And there's also like how how many times have you looked at a woman who loves herself or
a man and been like, oh, they're cocky.
Yeah, you put people down.
Yeah.
Yeah, like they think their shit don't stink.
Like I remember my mom saying that about someone when I was growing up and I was like, first
of all, what's that even mean?
The seed was planted.
You're like, I got to say like that.
And I think that when they go to the bathroom, it doesn't smell bad.
I was like so confused.
That's literal thinking.
I love it.
Oh, my God.
But now I'm just like, OK, well, like, I guess there is a difference, you know, if someone
falsely is trying to be like, I'm the best.
Whereas if it's just a deeply rooted, there's no sense of putting that energy out there.
And it's just like an unspoken confidence that they emanate.
Absolutely.
And so I think the biggest difference to to tell those two things apart, self absorbed
is not self love.
And I think one of the biggest problems is the way that self love almost gets advertised
is to buy yourself certain things and to like it's very material focused and what you have,
it's really skirts along the self absorbed or yeah, kind of ego, ego based way of thinking.
I think the big difference between when you're truly cultivating a sense of self love is
that that sense of compassion.
And let me share like a little definition I had wrote down.
But compassion involves learning to allow ourselves to move gently towards what scares
us.
And so that is the trick with it is like almost looking at that emotional distress without
having this aversion to it and learning to, as we've said many times, like embrace our
shadows.
Another little definition I wrote was compassion is often best defined as an awareness of our
imperfections that leads us to the ability to be patient with other people's imperfections
and our own.
And so if the voice of self love is making you look at others more harshly, perhaps it's
maybe not that full compassionate sense of self love and more yeah, maybe self seeking
or like self elevating, which if you're elevating self, then you're putting self on a pedestal
and not bringing others with you.
I think true self love embodies an extension of that love and compassion to the people
around you too and you see that difference definitely.
So agree.
Yes, I love that definition too.
It's really, really nice.
So we want to help you with some tools that lead way to self compassion.
Something that really has helped me along my journey is being able to identify that
inner critic of mine, that part of me that gets loud and brings me down when I'm having
like a pretty good day and then all of a sudden like that inner self gets really just like
boisterous.
And then the feelings of shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness all settle in and I know I'm
not unique.
I know we all have this and I think that's also kind of freeing is like, it's not just
one person.
Like, it's not just you, we all have this and that's a little humbling.
So here's some steps.
One that's really helped me is to name it.
So when you identify this negative like voice that's bringing you down, like call it something.
I'm doing this with one of my clients right now and I'm just going to say her name because
you don't know her.
You know her.
But she's named this voice stinky Sarah and her name is Sarah.
And she came to that name because in the moment she was like, this will make me laugh one
I say it.
Yeah, which extends compassion already.
Like, yeah, I love that.
And so it's like a loving relationship that you extend.
It's like a hand of like, okay, stinky Sarah, I see you.
I hear you.
What's going on?
So that's step one is to name it.
Step two is to write down its personality traits.
So think about what's happening in your life when it gets loud.
Maybe its personality traits are like to protect you, to make you feel like, you know, sometimes
it's good and sometimes it's not good.
So just take a look at when it gets loud.
Maybe it's when you're numbing out.
Maybe it's when you're having a lot of screen time.
Maybe it's when you're feeling guilt for not doing something that you said you would.
Maybe it's when you're comparing yourself to someone else.
That's when it gets really loud for me is like the comparison game.
So that's really common.
Yeah.
And what you said, thought that triggered when you are working on kind of hearing the
voice and what it sounds like, what it usually says and what's happening when that voice
gets louder.
I like to also like think of I used to be fine with that voice for current version of
myself, but I think that's really the key to like inner child healing that you hear
talked about a lot too.
I like to picture like, okay, so if my inner critic is telling the current version of myself
this, what would I like to say to little Jen?
And it kind of helps me compartmentalize.
Like I would never let little Jen hear half the stuff that the inner critic is saying
to current Jen.
So I like to see that as almost two separate things too.
And then when I, that I guess that's helped me develop a sense of self compassion is when
I could be like, God, if I told little Jen, like God, you're such an idiot for saying
that, like now everyone's going to think you're stupid and you don't deserve to lead anybody
or whatever the voice says, what would little Jen need to hear about those feelings that
are coming up?
And often when we see that inner child, I feel like the voice kind of loses all of its
power.
Yeah.
I'm thinking of it.
Yes.
Inner child work is definitely a big part of this because when you can see yourself
as that younger version, it's like, you can't yell at a kid.
Yeah.
It's just like they're automatically more innocent and there's a sweetness to it.
And you just automatically go into that space of compassion.
So that can be a part of this too.
What does this inner critic of yours look like?
So try to really personify it.
What do they sound like?
Do they have a deep voice or is it kind of shrill?
And what's their age?
I think this one's really important because of like what you said, chances are your inner
critic might not be a little kid.
For me, it's more of a teenager, those middle school years that middle schoolers are just
so nasty.
Yeah.
Like the nastiest of the ages in my experience.
I think it's a voice of a parent a lot of times too.
Like what, yeah, maybe an old version of yourself was receiving as a message, like definitely
comes from like an older, more dominant person for me usually.
Yeah.
And like you were just saying, Jen, like establish a relationship with it.
Yeah.
So talk to this inner critic of yours as yourself now, as your highest self, your true
self and ask it like, what's going on?
So when you can pause and have these moments of awareness, like that will feel like a massive
step forward.
Even just like having that moment once you've identified it.
And from there, give yourself a whole lot of grace.
Like you have this moment of hardship, you identify where it's coming from, what it looks
like, and then it's easier to move on to like let yourself feel that and then be like, okay,
that was what it was and it taught me something.
And now I'm back.
Yes.
Beautiful.
Love that.
And yeah, to chime in on a couple more.
If you've studied the work of Brene Brown, she is one of my favorites.
I read her books, almost all of her books, I believe, but she talks a lot about shame.
She was, she calls herself a shame researcher.
She really studied what shame looks like for different people.
And as we said, shame tends to like isolate and pull you back.
I think one of the most important things to cultivate a sense of self love, first of all,
is the awareness that we all are going through this.
So yeah, knowing that that voice in your head is not just exclusive to you.
This is something that everyone kind of struggles with.
And so even with that, you can extend some compassion because yeah, you're not crazy
for having this kind of awkward relationship with yourself.
And that already is like a huge relief because I remember I really thought from a outside
view that everyone else had not had some of these negative feelings.
I really, really thought that for a very long time.
I don't think it was until really I went to a really big yoga event for the first time
where I actually saw people in their shadow side, like screaming, yelling, crying, but
it was all released and just hearing the thoughts of what people have struggled with based on
different traumatic experiences and stuff.
And just knowing that I was able to look at all of them and be a friend for them in those
moments.
Like I knew how much I needed to be a friend to myself as well and that I wasn't alone
in my ugly feelings.
So that helped me extend self love to that.
So a couple of practices that I regularly do.
I'm a big fan of mirror work.
I really tried to slowly develop a relationship with being able to look at myself in the mirror
and either talk out loud and try to say really positive things, which at first used to make
me feel like I was going to throw up.
That's how big of an aversion I had to hearing positive words.
And as we kind of unpacked, probably because I loved my inner self-critic so much and I
felt like if I accidentally gave myself too much leeway or softness that I would completely
fail as a human.
I think I really believed that.
So yeah, sitting in the mirror and slowly practicing, like hearing myself say words
and absorb it and slowly integrate longer amounts of time on that.
And even just sitting in silence and locking eyes with myself in the mirror.
You can dance in front of the mirror.
You can even practice like standing naked in front of the mirror.
That's definitely more advanced.
But yeah, hey, hey, just get it all done real quick.
But yeah, it's slowly looking at pieces that you love and why.
And if it's really hard to look at the current version of yourself, maybe envision young
you and what you really needed to hear.
Because it's all those versions.
I've heard it said this way.
Every single age you have lived is still within you.
It's a bunch of different versions of yourself.
Still played into your body.
So working on even extending love to a past version of yourself so you can slowly build
a relationship to the current version of you is a great place to start.
Yes, I love this so much.
I have another idea for you all another tool to help with self compassion.
And it's called exposure therapy.
This is something that I've practiced myself and something I also help my coaching clients
and health coaching with.
But it's basically like coming up with your list of fears, right?
Not a fun activity, but something that we should all know.
Like, what are you afraid of?
Like, oh, I don't know.
Like, yes, we should know this off the top of our heads, I'd say.
At least some of them, right?
Maybe not everything.
But for me, I am deeply afraid of water, which is like really weird.
But like being in deep open water.
Yes.
And also just being on boats.
Like I was stung by a jellyfish when I was a kid and I was in Greece and there was someone
said pee on her.
And I just remember this man coming over about to pee on me.
I was like, no, traumatized.
And so that experience has become like such a trigger for me.
Now it's just like rooted in the water.
Great story.
Sorry about your trauma.
Thank you.
Holding space.
Oh my God.
That's hilarious.
We can laugh.
We can laugh now.
But something I've worked on with this is to expose myself to water and not let it hold
me back from things that like would normally be fun or is fun to other people.
So examples, a group of my friends, we all went camping a couple of years ago and everyone
wanted to rent a pontoon boat for the day and everyone was stoked.
No one would think that like this would be a problem for anyone at me.
So I was like, sure, I'll rent a pontoon boat.
Like Kyle, my husband was like, you sure?
You sure you're going to be okay with this?
I was like, yeah, I can't just be the only one not doing this while everyone's out having
fun.
Like that would make me feel just as bad or probably worse.
So I did it.
The whole time I was like clenching onto the seat in the back because there were waves.
But after the fact, you know, there were moments where I was able to have some fun and I'm
really proud of myself for doing it.
And whenever I do these things, my husband's usually with me and he usually tells me, because
you're a brave little toaster.
And that's a good thing.
And I like get this like childlike joy in hearing that now of like, I'm a brave little
toaster.
I love that now when I'm like either going to the doctor's and I have to get a shot.
That's one of my other big fears and triggers that I have to expose myself to.
Don't have as much of a choice, especially with the COVID vaccine.
I did that.
And I just like tell myself like, I'm a brave little toaster.
I'm doing it.
And so exposing yourself in those ways, but also lesser ways.
Like if you don't like a part of your body, like for me, it's always been my legs.
I would purposefully for a whole summer wear shorts, like most days out in public, which
is something before that I never dreamed of doing before I heard about this idea.
And then what that does is it shows you that it's going to be okay.
You start to build that trust in yourself and in the world that like nothing bad's going
to happen when you do the thing that you're afraid of.
And yeah, courage and vulnerability.
Those are the two things as you were talking that definitely reign true and all the research
on shame and what shame does to your body and how shame isolates you.
The answer to those things is a sense of courage and vulnerability.
And yeah, I think we see that as being like, I think sometimes we can create this image
that that's going to be like really big steps and impossible steps, but really little steps
make a big difference.
And vulnerability to me is just starting to share your story with a space that is safe.
So connecting to people that, yeah, maybe you search in your area, people that either
have gatherings or meetups or find a group that is into the same stuff as you and practice
slowly sharing sides of yourself that you normally wouldn't.
That is definitely what I learned from the yoga community was, you know, we take turns
around a circle talking and I'd be terrified or like, let me think of what I'm going to
say before, you know, all these like planning things and then just like speaking rawly and
just letting it be messy and knowing that I don't have to laugh my mistakes away or
like, yeah, think I'm a failure for not having the words come out in this perfect fluid way
that it's okay.
And there's not one person that has never messed up in the way they talk.
Like just it's a lie.
It was a lie that I had built for myself that my voice wasn't worthy.
That was a huge part of where I needed to extend a lot of self-loving compassion, but
slowly using my voice in small ways for those who follow me on TikTok.
Like my very first TikTok, I was like convulsing.
I was so scared.
Like I was terrified.
And to the point where I'm at now, I'm like do TikToks all the time.
It's just, yeah, it's a sense of bravery and it starts in small steps and those steps
might be recording your own voice at home and listening to it back, dancing for a video
and then watching it.
It can be so small or it can be done with community if you have a safe space.
And yeah, we definitely are trying to build our community with Awaken together too.
So know that we are here and we know that this journey is easier said than done and
everyone's road looks a little different, but learning to become your best, your own
best friend is the most beautiful and worth it journey.
And I think it helps the collective at large so much.
Yes, yes.
Beautiful.
And that's, that's the point of it all, right?
You spend more time with yourself than anyone else your whole life.
So you better learn to love yourself.
Yeah.
And, and the opposite of love, I remember this blew my mind.
The opposite of love is not hate.
The opposite of love is fear.
Cause fear drives division and hate and all like apathy and all of those really down feelings.
So if you can confront those fears and learn to trust, then the love comes more easily.
Yes.
Yeah.
So with this, we want to segue into, um, from this point of loving kindness into the topic
and the concept of meta.
Metta meditation in particular, meta meditation is a practice of developing positive feelings
first towards yourself and then towards others.
And I have a little quote from the Buddha.
He once said that unless we treat ourselves with love and compassion, we cannot reflect
the same on others.
Once we start experiencing self love and self compassion for ourselves, we can then show
the same to others too.
So meta meditation, it is near and dear to my heart.
For a part of my wedding this past year, we didn't do anything like in a church or anything,
um, you know, religious space, but it was really important to our families that we still
had like a spiritual aspect and it was also important to us.
So the common ground we found was, um, leading a meditation.
So my good friend, uh, Shailen, she officiated, um, and led everyone through a meta meditation.
I love that.
It is very similar to the one that I'm going to lead you to today.
So now it's like near and dear to my heart.
And there are a lot of benefits to this, this type of meditation.
It increases self compassion.
It also increases focus and attention and a deep sense of emotional strength that balances
our thoughts and actions.
Should we do it?
I'm ready sitting that tall.
All right.
Good.
So everybody, please, um, if you're in a place where you can meditate, I love for you to
just keep playing this.
If you're not, maybe you pause this and plan a time where you can return to it and be fully
present.
Even if you're walking or driving, it's still a great time.
So please take the next few moments to settle in to your physical body.
Find that place where you can close your eyes if you're able, or find a soft gaze.
Just tune into your body, make any minor adjustments and then let everything fall heavy.
We'll start with a few minutes of concentration practice just to help our minds settle and
arrive in our present time experience.
So as you allow the body to resume to natural breathing, see where in your body you can
feel your breath.
It may be in your belly where you can feel it rising and falling as your body breathes.
It might be in your chest where you may notice the expansion and contraction as your body
inhales and exhales.
Perhaps at the nostrils where you can feel a slight tickle as the air comes in and the
subtle warmth as your body exhales.
You can pick one spot to stick with for this meditation practice.
As you feel your body breathing, try to stick with the breath all the way through.
Stick with it from the beginning of the inhale all the way through the end of the exhale.
You may have noticed your mind wandering, and that's okay.
When the mind wanders, it really offers us an opportunity to cultivate mindfulness and
concentration.
Each time we notice the mind wandering, we're strengthening our ability to recognize our
experience.
Each time we bring the mind back to breath, we're strengthening our ability to focus on
an object.
So treat it as an opportunity rather than a problem, and just return to breath.
You can begin the practice by bringing to mind yourself, as you sit here right now.
Try to connect with your own deepest intentions for happiness, ease, and safety.
You don't need to dive into what stories will make you happy, but rather connect with
that natural desire you have.
You can cultivate this intention to open the heart to your own well-being by silently offering
yourself some phrases of Metta.
In your head, slowly offer yourself the phrases, may I be happy?
May I be healthy?
May I be free?
You can offer these phrases silently in your head, saying them slowly enough that you can
connect with their meaning and the intention behind them.
You can now bring to mind a good friend.
This may be a loved one, a teacher, a mentor, or maybe even a pet.
You can connect with your natural desire to see this being happy and at ease.
Just like you, they also want to be happy, to feel safe, and to be healthy.
In an effort to cultivate this intention of kindness, you can offer this being a few phrases
of Metta.
May you be happy?
May you be healthy?
May you be free?
As you let this soul go from your mind, bring to mind a neutral person.
This is someone you see maybe regularly but don't know very well.
It might be somebody who works somewhere you go a lot, a coworker, maybe a neighbor.
And although you don't know this person well, you can also recognize that this person wants
to be happy as well.
You don't need to know what their happiness looks like necessarily.
Again, offer this person the phrases of loving kindness, connecting with the intention to
care about their well-being.
May you be happy?
May you be healthy?
May you be free?
And as you let this neutral person go, bring to mind somebody who you find difficult.
You may not want to pick the most difficult person in your life, instead choosing someone
who is minorly difficult.
Maybe it's someone you find yourself agitated with or annoyed by.
You can offer the phrases, recognizing that this is connecting with our intention to care
for this person.
Although we may not mean it wholeheartedly, every time we offer a phrase, we can make
an effort with the phrases.
May you be happy?
May you be healthy?
May you be free?
Take a deep inhale through your nose.
Open your mouth, send it out.
Guide your awareness back to your breath, back into your body, back into the space in
which you're inhabiting.
Allow your eyes to flutter back open and rejoin you in this present moment.
Welcome back.
Thank you, Kat.
Yeah.
So, I always recommend after a meditation like this to journal if you can.
If you don't have a pen and paper handy, maybe the notes up on your phone or just think about
how that meditation made you feel, what your experience was like, and what it left you
thinking.
Perfect.
We appreciate it.
I'll see you next week.
Thanks everyone.
I appreciate it.