1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:13,040 Hello everybody and welcome to a new episode of the Awaken Together podcast. 2 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,040 I'm Kat. 3 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:15,040 I'm Jen. 4 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:21,480 And today we have a very special love inspired episode coming at you. 5 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:27,480 We're going to get deep into intimacy, our love for sensory exploration, and give you 6 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:33,720 some tools that you can use to explore with your partner or even friends on a deeper level. 7 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:39,600 So starting with the topic of intimacy, Jen, how would you define intimacy? 8 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:40,600 What does that mean to you? 9 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:41,600 Yeah. 10 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:47,720 So I feel like intimacy is something that has really shifted and changed for me a lot 11 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:52,400 along my spiritual journey and religion trauma processing. 12 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:58,360 Like let's be honest because it definitely fits into that category too. 13 00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,760 Yeah. 14 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:07,480 I think to me now it's just actually letting yourself fully be seen and connected. 15 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:14,160 I think intimacy is something that is so lacking and we really desperately need intimacy that's 16 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,080 coming from all forms. 17 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:23,840 Not just intimacy, like meaning having sex with somebody, the end. 18 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:31,780 Intimacy as in we really have to create space and time and circumstances to actually lean 19 00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:36,180 into connection that's done in an intentional way. 20 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:40,880 So I think that has been the biggest shift. 21 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:47,040 And then actually making the space and time for it has been something that has been really, 22 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,280 really prevalent for me actually in so many ways. 23 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:56,600 Because I've really realized how much intimacy is nervous system regulation and it's nervous 24 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:01,920 system regulation that you can do with yourself. 25 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:06,660 But I think there's a whole other added beauty when we actually do it in connection with 26 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,840 something outside of us that's safe too. 27 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,320 What about you Kat? 28 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:15,320 Yeah, no, I still agree with all of that. 29 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:22,700 Intimacy to me, I think back to one of our old couples therapists, Kyle and I, who explained 30 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:27,260 and really defined intimacy in a way that I really resonated with. 31 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:33,360 She said, when you think of intimacy, instead of just thinking about sex, think about the 32 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,080 little phrase, into me you see. 33 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:38,960 And I think that's what it is. 34 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:46,680 It is being seen on your deepest, most raw, authentic level by somebody who truly cares 35 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:47,920 about you. 36 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:54,880 And so I think that as women, we are actually pretty good at this in the right settings 37 00:02:54,880 --> 00:03:00,320 of being able to truly be there and see each other and the right kind of friendships, right? 38 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:04,480 Which are the only kinds of friendships that I have and really invest my time and energy 39 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:11,040 into these days, ever since really discovering what true intimacy is. 40 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:18,040 Because there's no sense in wasting our precious time and energy on the shallow, truly. 41 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:23,720 Like whether it's a friendship, whether it's a romantic relationship, I crave and need 42 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:27,280 that depth and call it like trauma bonding. 43 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:33,740 But I think there is something to be said for being able to go into the deep end with 44 00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:40,640 somebody who you feel safe with and have them really see you and be able to also hold space 45 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,640 for them. 46 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,760 Yeah, absolutely. 47 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:44,760 I love that. 48 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:54,360 And I'll share from my own just knowing that intimacy was like really never demonstrated 49 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,800 for me in any way. 50 00:03:55,800 --> 00:04:02,680 I think because I was raised in such a strict like religious household, it was very much 51 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,620 tied in very weirdly with sex. 52 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:12,920 And I feel like they wanted pretty big cutoffs of any other like forms of intimacy in a lot 53 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:13,920 of ways. 54 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:19,280 So this was something I had to very, very intentionally practice. 55 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:25,720 And I was, I even had very safe people around me and it was a block of not wanting to be 56 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,620 seen for myself. 57 00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:32,640 Like I love your little phrase that your therapist taught you because I was ultimately, I didn't 58 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:37,680 have some unsafe people around which didn't help me expose myself. 59 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:44,440 But I also had so many blocks in my own essence of being terrified. 60 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:50,000 So I was shocked and I've shared this on the podcast multiple times when I got into yoga 61 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:56,160 and I started really working on my relationship with me feeling into my body for the first 62 00:04:56,160 --> 00:05:04,440 time in my life and realizing how much I don't let myself usually sense and feel. 63 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,600 I skirt around it. 64 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:13,240 That was such a journey of intimacy, just connecting to myself. 65 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:18,960 And then when I started going to yoga retreats and they had me looking into the eyes of strangers, 66 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,760 these weren't even safe spaces for me necessarily. 67 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:28,680 These were people that were definitely seeking more mindfulness and connection. 68 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:36,560 But it was kind of beautiful to practice intimacy even with strangers because I realized for 69 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:42,400 some, I think the people I was closer to, I had to get past kind of our habits and the 70 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,600 stories and the past pains. 71 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:50,880 And that was so scary for me to ask what I needed to the people that had loved me and 72 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:54,960 dealt with me, especially when I noticed I was shifting and starting to heal. 73 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:59,680 I needed to really go through and do the harder work in my relationships. 74 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:05,400 But then having these strangers look into my eyes and realize like in those moments, 75 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:10,120 we would be called to look into each other's eyes for five minutes. 76 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:15,440 Even I did some like longer ones and I realized I would want to laugh. 77 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,040 There was even instinct to want to like, like want to push them away. 78 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:23,800 I could feel my body wanting to do all these things and just like sitting there and witnessing 79 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,840 that watching how much I wanted to block. 80 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,080 I wanted to look away. 81 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,600 I wanted to ask questions. 82 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:33,400 I'd feel myself wanting to talk like I could not do it. 83 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:40,000 And I felt my body just like twitching around it and like witnessing that and realizing 84 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,160 how hard it was for me. 85 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:46,740 It was such a light bulb moment that this was going to be a long journey of practice. 86 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:52,120 And I felt grateful for the strangers in a way kind of to start. 87 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:59,320 But I also think like what it ultimately led to me doing was really telling going through 88 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:04,540 my friendships, the people that had kind of grown with me and saying like, I've shifted 89 00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:09,120 a lot and I want to apologize for how distant I could have been in the past. 90 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:15,360 But I really am wanting to bring in like way more intentional relationships into my life. 91 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,880 And even that is vulnerable to say. 92 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:22,800 And then like trying to carve out time just to talk to people like in a real way, like 93 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:28,640 talk about things that, you know, I feel like I was really I don't know if this was more 94 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,180 Florida culture even. 95 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:35,640 But like, we just gossiped and drama talks like there was never deep talk. 96 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:42,280 So this was huge to like bring back to my family like, no, I really like want to share 97 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,480 what's truly going on in my life. 98 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:50,240 I'm done playing these games of like figuring out what you want to talk about and then like, 99 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,480 you know, just blocking so many sides of myself. 100 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:57,120 So a lot of this has been a journey of step to step for me. 101 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:03,880 And I love what you said, Kat, like at this point, I am going to go there with everybody. 102 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:08,080 Intimacy is what I want my life to be like surrounded with. 103 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:12,660 And that real sense of like letting myself be seen by the people that I'm going to be 104 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,440 interacting with. 105 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:20,920 And yeah, for the other people in my life, I try to reflect intimacy with a lot of relationships 106 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:21,920 now. 107 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,080 But I will give a warning right now. 108 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:31,440 The more you expose yourself and you move in through the world, expose, you will get 109 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:38,440 the shadows of so many people because it is terrifying when people, you know, we all reflect 110 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:43,600 each other and when you're willing to go there yourself, like there's so many people you'll 111 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:50,680 notice around you start deflecting real hard because of how scary this work is. 112 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,680 Yes, it's so true. 113 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:58,760 I've been told by some people who I now consider like really close best friends that when we 114 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,840 first met, I triggered the shit out of them. 115 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:09,360 And it's because I would just like speak my truth and say things that were real and true 116 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:17,320 to me and get really deep and vulnerable about hard topics that and just share what I felt 117 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:22,400 and that since they were so new to me, then understand that this was coming from like 118 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:28,920 a real raw place and not just, I don't know, like an attention grab or like ego, just like 119 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:35,000 me being me and that this is what you see is what you get that they said, like, yeah, 120 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,160 all the triggers came and it was kind of hard to be around me. 121 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,320 But the more time they spent around me, the more they, they realized that that was actually 122 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,680 their own shit, their own stuff that was coming up. 123 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,400 So it's so true. 124 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,640 We are mirrors for each other. 125 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:56,400 And I think it's so funny, like what you said before of how it can be easier to drop in 126 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,600 and just like spill your guts out to somebody who you don't know or even the eye, eye gazing 127 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,920 because they're kind of like a blank slate, right? 128 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,740 Like a blank piece of paper. 129 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,600 There's no stories. 130 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:14,720 There's no cords attached with your relationship and where it's been and all the journeys and 131 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,400 I don't know, lifetimes that have happened there. 132 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:23,880 And I think what's super interesting with all of that too, is the more practice that 133 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:30,480 we get being intimate, being raw, vulnerable, authentic and sharing that with people, the 134 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:38,200 more that we're met with receptivity and the more that we're met with feeling like, or 135 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:44,600 even people telling us that us doing that, just being ourselves, being real and sharing 136 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,560 all of that, we become a lighthouse, right? 137 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:53,520 And it's inspiring then for others to see that, to see others modeling that and want 138 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:59,640 to do it themselves and maybe dip their toe into intimacy, dip their toe into sharing 139 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:04,440 what's real and raw, even when it's really freaking hard and just be seen. 140 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:10,320 I think it's such a big part of yoga for me, especially as a yoga teacher, teaching yoga 141 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:17,120 for 10 years now, I've been reflecting on how this journey of holding space has transformed 142 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,120 for me. 143 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:23,960 And it really is the fact that the more comfortable I am with sharing my stories, sharing my 144 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:31,480 truth from a place of not ego, of not like, look at me, of just like, yeah, this is just 145 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:37,720 what's real and true and I'm just sharing it to share it and to be seen. 146 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:42,360 And if you resonate with that, I'd love to also see you and hold space for you. 147 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:48,580 And there's that reciprocity that happens and it's a very fine balance, right? 148 00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:54,220 The holding space, the being seen, the seeing someone else that needs to happen in order 149 00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:56,840 for it to be in flow. 150 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,140 Yeah. 151 00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:03,920 And I think to review like what holding space is, we've definitely talked about this, but 152 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:09,340 holding space just means that you're realizing that when we are agreeing to like an energy 153 00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:16,480 exchange with somebody, you don't have to be responsible for that person's stuff that 154 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:17,960 is coming up. 155 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,160 Holding space means that you're willing to just be in that place for them, whatever is 156 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:26,380 needing to come out and that that's theirs and yours is yours. 157 00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:31,520 And just having those people that, yeah, that can be balanced. 158 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:36,520 If you have people in your life where holding space is just a very foreign concept, it doesn't 159 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:41,760 necessarily mean you have to cut everybody out because this is something that does take 160 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,760 a lot of work. 161 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:48,760 And telling those people, I think for me, it was just really important to advertise 162 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:53,820 like the shifts I was wanting to make, like being vulnerable about how I wanted to see 163 00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:58,600 things change and that it was something that I did like want to work on. 164 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:06,040 Like my childhood best friend, like we, we had terrible coping skills around our friendship 165 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,840 because we had dysfunctional households. 166 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,600 So, you know, we didn't know how to like be there for each other. 167 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:18,480 We were goofy and like we would be weird if one of us wanted a hug, like don't touch me. 168 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,440 Like just nervous. 169 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,760 Like we, we were not like that. 170 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,840 And this is a friend now, Kat, that you've met at retreats. 171 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,640 Like we've redefined so much. 172 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:38,440 Safety, but I had to go back and say, like, I'm really sorry to cause you know, I love 173 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:43,400 the belief that all versions of ourselves are always existing in this moment. 174 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:49,800 And I had to go back and say, like, I am so sorry to teenage version of you because I 175 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,680 know how cold I could be. 176 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:56,000 And I know that there was so much we could have, you know, done differently had we had 177 00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:02,720 the tools, but like, I want you to know that the coldness was never coming from not having 178 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:03,960 an abundance of love. 179 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:09,480 It was coming from just being very scared of myself and not wanting to be perceived 180 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:10,480 and known really. 181 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,080 Cause I didn't even know who I was. 182 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:17,500 And I had a lot of journeying to do on developing that before I could be in front of somebody 183 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:18,500 else. 184 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:22,880 And another thing that popped up while you were talking, Kat, and I think you're so good 185 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:27,960 at this and I very much use the same strategy as we do. 186 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:35,200 But I like to announce like what, you know, an opportunity for intimacy and you do this 187 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:40,800 in group settings often Kat, like even in our casual hangs, proposing like a deep question 188 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,280 for everybody or like, how about everyone shares this? 189 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,480 Like you can make it fun. 190 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:51,960 It doesn't have to all of a sudden be just this like, you know, deep drop into feeling 191 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:57,360 out of nowhere with context that might be hard for people to just digest when, especially 192 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:02,400 if it's people that have known you a long time, you can say like, Hey, can we sit down 193 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,720 and just like ask each other questions? 194 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:10,520 Like it's been a while since we've peered into each other's brains or like, you know, 195 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,680 we haven't really spent time like talking about this subject matter. 196 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:19,940 I noticed that we don't do it, so maybe we can do it or yeah, can we talk about something 197 00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:25,600 from the past that I know like weaves into the story I have with you and like, these 198 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:30,840 are the little things that we can cut around and we just try to exist a lot of times in 199 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:36,920 the relationship with how they are when the level you can get to in depth. 200 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:38,040 I loved what you said. 201 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:43,640 It becomes so reciprocal and there were also people that I never thought in a million years 202 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,960 were going to change. 203 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:50,800 But when I met them with different energy, it was incredible actually how much did shift. 204 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:56,040 Like we can tell ourselves like because of past story, like they're just going to laugh 205 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,560 or they're going to make fun of us or they're just going to shut down. 206 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:03,640 And maybe there's people that will always do that. 207 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:08,240 But when you meet them with an energy that's not so defensive, I've learned this even with 208 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,940 patient care and healthcare world. 209 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:16,880 If I go in like meeting them with this wall that's kind of more intense and like cold, 210 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,200 I am going to be met with that energy. 211 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,400 And I think people often reflect back what you give. 212 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:27,440 And when you meet with vulnerability, you might meet a lot of scared versions of someone. 213 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:32,760 But a lot of people can't dish out their same script when you're just being vulnerable for 214 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:33,760 you. 215 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:41,160 And it makes it really hard to put on your normal responses that like the brain goes, 216 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,960 wait, what did she just say that? 217 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,040 And it drops people's defenses. 218 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,860 And yeah, it might kick back online. 219 00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:55,240 But I think I was very surprised that when I started going to like my family with this 220 00:16:55,240 --> 00:17:01,920 different version of me that I bought like hell to get, I was more surprised and a lot 221 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:08,680 of those closer family relationships, what I was actually met with when I said like, 222 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:14,080 how hard things had been for me and what I had to do to get there and just levels of 223 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:19,240 exposure instead of just getting mad at them, you know? 224 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:20,440 Yeah, totally. 225 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,440 1000%. 226 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:27,360 And like, I guess if there's any tips that we have, it's just to pay attention to those 227 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:34,960 relationships of yours that you feel so seen in and also pay attention to those relationships 228 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:41,780 where you feel a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure to perform, a lot of pressure to 229 00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:49,400 speak or be cool or be like a version of yourself that just isn't filled with ease and just 230 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:55,440 like one that your body doesn't feel safe in because we've all had those relationships, 231 00:17:55,440 --> 00:18:02,240 whether with friends or with family or even coworkers or acquaintances where you are not 232 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:07,460 even super present in the conversation because you're so concerned with what you're going 233 00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:10,120 to say next, right? 234 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:17,320 Like we're hardly listening in conversations that we feel tense or uncomfortable in because 235 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:23,880 we are in our own heads and thinking about like, oh, okay, they're saying this one thing, 236 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:29,000 or should I pivot the conversation to next in order to sound interesting, right? 237 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:36,520 And so if it is a relationship where you would like to bring more ease into, or you would 238 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:41,280 like to feel more comfortable or you'd even like to take this relationship to a deeper 239 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:48,640 level, I think we'd invite you to really confront that and have that hard conversation that 240 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:55,040 says something like, hey, you know, sometimes when I come to you, I don't really need advice. 241 00:18:55,040 --> 00:19:00,440 I'm not looking for how you would handle it or your experience. 242 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,600 Sometimes I just need to feel heard. 243 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,680 Sometimes I just want someone to listen and I just want to vent. 244 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,640 Do you think you'd be okay with that? 245 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:16,140 Getting that little check in and on the other side, please let me know if there is times 246 00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:22,440 that you just want to be heard and I'm happy to hold that space for you and just notice 247 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:27,800 how that changes things, how that shifts the relationship. 248 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,600 It's helped Kyle and I so much in our relationship just to have those little moments of check 249 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:37,320 in and helps us understand what kind of place we're coming from. 250 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:44,680 Because typically when I'm overstimulated, what is going to help me the least is telling 251 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:51,560 me ways, like hearing someone else tell me ways that I should do other things to be different. 252 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:57,640 And it's like, okay, no, sometimes I just need to slow the fuck down and just like speak 253 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:02,280 out of my mouth, all the things that are floating up in my head. 254 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:09,920 And just for someone to look at me while I'm speaking this stuff and to be met with love, 255 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,200 to be met with space and being seen. 256 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:19,440 And even though the chaos is flooding out of my mouth, being met with the feeling that 257 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,160 it's okay and that it's safe and that it's fine. 258 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,080 And that to me is true intimacy. 259 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,120 Yeah, I love that. 260 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:32,560 And that's so, so important and so well said. 261 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:38,400 And that's exactly what we want to call into our higher relationships. 262 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:44,120 And that is the perfect description to talk about for holding space. 263 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:50,120 I've also learned that for me, having the space for verbal processing is huge. 264 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,520 And a lot of times I don't want to do that by myself. 265 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,760 So having different outlets for that has been big. 266 00:20:55,760 --> 00:21:01,760 But I've also come to learn that if I have someone's hand connected, hands on my lap 267 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:08,120 or hand on my back or hand, touch for me is extremely regulating for my body. 268 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:14,680 And that usually can drop me in a lot of levels deeper because I can just be so flighty so 269 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,800 easily. 270 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,200 And that sense is huge. 271 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,840 I have like so learned that like, hey, even to my friends, like I'm about to say something 272 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:23,840 kind of scary. 273 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:28,040 Just like, if you just sit here by me for a second, I'll connect like my leg to their 274 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:34,400 leg like I need to have like that little anchor that for me has been another like really huge 275 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:35,960 shift. 276 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:42,240 And yeah, advice for people that have relationships and people around you that you really love, 277 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,880 but you guys are just kind of going through the motions. 278 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,840 There's not this intentional thing. 279 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:54,400 Definitely like starting off with, hey, can we take maybe set a timer and take we're going 280 00:21:54,400 --> 00:22:01,680 to give you lots of examples, but can we take five minutes to, you know, do X, Y, and Z, 281 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:08,520 or maybe even if it doesn't feel safe to do that and you're very worried about like opening 282 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:13,880 this channel up with somebody because there's just been so many habit loops, maybe even 283 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:20,440 sitting down in your own reflection and picturing like talking deeper to this person or maybe 284 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,680 even writing a letter. 285 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:28,080 I know in yoga teacher training, I wrote a letter to my dad and my mom and oh my gosh, 286 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:33,480 I got so much emotional release out just writing down the things that I needed to say. 287 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,640 So it wasn't so emotionally triggered. 288 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:42,020 And it also helped me realize just from writing the letters, like what stories I was holding 289 00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:46,840 on to, like I could see my defenses, you know, of what I do to block it. 290 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:52,080 So that way when I actually went into conversation with them, I said like, I want to just kind 291 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:57,560 of share what my journey has been like, I would love for you to listen because we are 292 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,080 so distant at this point. 293 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:04,640 If there's any hope of relationship, I need to know that it's going to be, you know, at 294 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,280 least safe enough for me to say what my truth is. 295 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,280 And I would love if you guys could just listen. 296 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,880 And I was met with a lot more receptiveness than what I was expecting. 297 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:20,160 But I also think if I wouldn't have kind of pieced together that from writing a letter, 298 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:26,000 like, oh, I'm expecting him to say this and my mom to say this and them to, you know, 299 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:32,120 I had all these expectations because of hundreds of repetitions of that through my childhood. 300 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,320 But I was a different version of myself. 301 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:39,000 And I think that was the most important thing to see is that, you know, I had to get kind 302 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,980 of to the point of the story, like, what am I believing they're going to do when I say 303 00:23:42,980 --> 00:23:46,220 this and where maybe is that coming from? 304 00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:47,220 And I did go back. 305 00:23:47,220 --> 00:23:53,120 I went back in my conversations with my family and said, like, this is what I'm reminded 306 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:57,000 of when I go to tell you this, just so they knew, you know? 307 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,520 And I think it did make a difference. 308 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:04,320 Like every time I go to share this, I think of the time when you said this and I have 309 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:09,120 a part of my body that, like, is very scared now to say this. 310 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:14,840 And they can't they they can't respond the same way when I share that deep level of truth. 311 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:20,760 And I think it took some kind of private reflection with certain relationships sometimes first. 312 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:26,300 So if you're thinking, I don't have these relationships around me, this is not something 313 00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:28,980 I've been able to cultivate yet. 314 00:24:28,980 --> 00:24:34,500 Maybe spend some time with reflection on yourself before you start carving out those spaces. 315 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:37,660 But also know that this work is scary. 316 00:24:37,660 --> 00:24:42,640 And the scary part about it is you're radically transforming everything around you. 317 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,880 Change is always scary. 318 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:50,340 And you aren't living if you're not inviting in enough intimacy and vulnerability into 319 00:24:50,340 --> 00:24:51,340 your life. 320 00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:54,520 We know this like that is actual living. 321 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:59,240 And you can feel so alone and cold and numb without this work. 322 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:04,160 So it's so, so fucking potent and so important. 323 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,880 But yeah, there's a lot of dynamics in the human experience. 324 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,080 And this is not an easy one. 325 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,160 And it's going to look different with every single person. 326 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,860 And it's going to be constantly evolving. 327 00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:16,360 So it's worth it. 328 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:17,360 It's right. 329 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:18,360 It's right. 330 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:19,360 It's so true. 331 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:26,480 And once you feel like you're getting more comfortable with holding space and having 332 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:32,740 space held for you, this is like a little 2.0 communication. 333 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:38,720 Something that I've found, and this actually I can trace back to my days as a sales trainer 334 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:45,560 in the educational travel world, something that definitely makes people feel heard is 335 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,420 one, of course, holding the space, but two, how you respond. 336 00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:56,800 And so when you respond by kind of, I find that I'm around a lot of people who are very 337 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:57,800 airy, right? 338 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,840 I'm very airy myself. 339 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:07,960 And sometimes as we're speaking, it is truly, it's truly just, what's that phrase? 340 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,360 Like something of consciousness. 341 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,360 What's that? 342 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:12,360 Stream of consciousness. 343 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:13,360 Thank you. 344 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,640 As I'm talking about being airy. 345 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,640 Thank you. 346 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,240 Yes, we help each other out. 347 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,280 So it's just stream of consciousness. 348 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,040 Things can get really confusing. 349 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:29,280 And so something that I have adapted in my active listening journey is rephrasing what 350 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:33,060 I heard in a really boiled down, simple way. 351 00:26:33,060 --> 00:26:39,040 So if someone is telling me stories about how they are feeling just like very unseen 352 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:44,000 in life, I'll kind of mirror it back in a sentence and be like, wow, God, I can't believe 353 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,000 what you're going through. 354 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:51,200 That feels so hard to consistently just not feel seen by your boss or what have you. 355 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:56,080 And then the reaction I get is like, yes, like, oh my gosh, you get me. 356 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,400 You see me. 357 00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,400 Right? 358 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,640 And so just mirroring back what you're seeing, what you're experiencing, what you're hearing 359 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,720 can be so fricking validating. 360 00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:06,720 I love that. 361 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,100 I think that's really can be shocking to people. 362 00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:11,760 We think it won't be. 363 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:16,280 But if you have like a partner you're with and you say like, when you say that, what 364 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:21,840 I hear is that you don't want to like spend much time with me. 365 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,040 And it's really hard. 366 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,440 Like that hurts me. 367 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,740 Like that can be so reflective for someone. 368 00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:32,360 You might not always meet, be met with, you know, no reaction. 369 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:37,720 But I think people can be shocked and it's important to say what you're actually hearing 370 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,080 and noticing from a feeling standpoint. 371 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:46,160 But also, yeah, you're so good at that cat, too, of like a lot of times when people are 372 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,660 talking, it's it's really just to land on a feeling. 373 00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:55,740 And our minds can be so busy that it can be so hard to even sense what we are feeling. 374 00:27:55,740 --> 00:28:01,800 And having someone just, yeah, be like, wow, that was that really, you know, hearing all 375 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:07,240 of that makes me really think this that can be so, so healing for people. 376 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,560 And yeah, it can also be reflective. 377 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,920 It can be two things. 378 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:18,120 And it really comes down to just like noticing what you feel while someone is talking to 379 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:22,680 you, but also like really being an active listener and holding space for the people 380 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:28,480 when they're using you that same way and helping them also maybe get a grip on what the story 381 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:33,560 is behind it or what the feeling is behind it or just an I'm here. 382 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:34,860 Oh, my gosh. 383 00:28:34,860 --> 00:28:35,860 So many layers. 384 00:28:35,860 --> 00:28:36,860 Yes. 385 00:28:36,860 --> 00:28:37,860 Yeah. 386 00:28:37,860 --> 00:28:45,240 A little phrase that Kyle and I have adopted is, you know, sometimes he'll be sharing something 387 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:52,540 and I my experience will be maybe different or he might have no idea of how I am interpreting 388 00:28:52,540 --> 00:28:55,380 what he's saying, especially if it's something about me. 389 00:28:55,380 --> 00:29:00,760 And so a phrase that we've adopted to kind of take the ego out of it and just clear up 390 00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:07,320 any potential miscommunication is, OK, so I hear you what you're saying. 391 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:14,000 And the story I'm telling myself is the story I'm telling myself is so that you're kind 392 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,880 of saying like it's you're not accusing them. 393 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,880 You're like, I might be making this up. 394 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:22,000 I just want to get on the same page with you. 395 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:23,000 Is this correct? 396 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:24,320 Like, is this right? 397 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:28,560 And then you both have the opportunity to understand where each other is coming from 398 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:32,080 and either validate that like, yes, that is true or no. 399 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:33,820 Actually, what I meant was this. 400 00:29:33,820 --> 00:29:39,640 And that can help so many potential arguments from just prevent them from happening. 401 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:45,720 And then something that one of my best friends out here, Kirsten, something that we've noticed 402 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:51,320 in conversation sometimes is like there are times when one of us will be feeling really 403 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:56,520 chatty and sometimes it's like I'm just thinking of one time an example when it was her and 404 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,000 she'll say like, I'm sorry, I'm talking a lot. 405 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:04,600 And my response in those times is often, no, you're not like, please don't apologize. 406 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:05,600 I'm here. 407 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,640 I'm listening and I'm actually just in a more listening mood. 408 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,000 So like, please keep talking. 409 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:13,000 I'm holding space. 410 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,040 I'm here for it. 411 00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,400 And like, don't be afraid to take up that space. 412 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:22,400 Like if it's your best friend, take up that space, it's your opportunity to be heard and 413 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:23,400 listened to. 414 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:27,320 And, you know, with your besties, that time will always come back. 415 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:31,360 And there are times where I'm the chatty one and she holds the space. 416 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:37,000 And so in the right relationships, you'll notice that reciprocity just happening naturally. 417 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:39,200 Yes, I love it. 418 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:42,200 So I think this was like a perfect like overview. 419 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:46,400 We talked about a lot of levels of communication and terms. 420 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:52,040 We have other episodes that even dive in deeper into communication and things we've pieced 421 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:56,680 shifting gears a little bit for this last little part of this episode. 422 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:06,680 We wanted to really go over some tools for actual co-regulation and intimacy like exercises. 423 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:12,320 And I want to share too, that words can be really hard and take a lot of time. 424 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:17,680 And I think for some, the outlet is not always words first. 425 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:25,200 And you might be able to lean in a lot more with the body before the words come into play. 426 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:30,920 And I want to share that like a huge, like I said at the beginning, we just don't like 427 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:37,720 to drop into often intimacy without it leaning into that like romantic sex side. 428 00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:42,760 It's gotten so intertwined that it feels really weird. 429 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:47,280 You can have some, you know, I think some people are a little more touchy feely with 430 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,840 their family and can like go into that space easier. 431 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:55,200 But like this is another form of being vulnerable. 432 00:31:55,200 --> 00:32:01,080 And it sometimes ends up being like a really good tool to actually end up going into more 433 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,820 language based intimacy. 434 00:32:03,820 --> 00:32:12,360 So to share a few of the exercises, Kat and I are fresh off of just doing a guided workshop. 435 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:14,160 And this stuff is really passionate. 436 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:19,920 We are very passionate about this because we love sensory play because enhancing the 437 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:24,640 senses is really a way to be more mindful and dropped into your body. 438 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:31,000 I think so much of like that blur of like romance of like lighting candles and flowers 439 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:35,640 and all this stuff, it's really enhancing the senses. 440 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:40,720 And this is something that we shouldn't just do when we're trying to get to an end point 441 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:46,400 or, you know, like only doing it with certain like not thinking that we can have these like 442 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,880 romantic type friendships that lean into deeper intimacy. 443 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,080 I think that's just a precursor. 444 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:56,880 But yes, talking about some actual exercises. 445 00:32:56,880 --> 00:33:04,100 So I think it's so nice to connect with every single one of the senses. 446 00:33:04,100 --> 00:33:08,360 But touch alone, I love to get a timer out. 447 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:09,360 I do these. 448 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:13,520 I've done these at retreats guided with, you know, people that know each other and don't. 449 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,360 I do these with Danny. 450 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:19,760 We will set just depending on timeframe, two to five minute timer. 451 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:20,760 Keep it right beside. 452 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:24,880 I usually will play music on something to just to have a little more background sound 453 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,840 groundedness to. 454 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:31,680 But back to back breathing is what I love to start with, because it's allowing us not 455 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:37,320 only to breathe so we can get into our bodies, but you also can start by tuning into yourself 456 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,360 and then start by tuning in and trying to breathe with your partner that is back to 457 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:42,360 back with you. 458 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:48,380 It can be super nice to feel that back support and you're not having to go right into the 459 00:33:48,380 --> 00:33:50,240 scariest thing all at once. 460 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:56,120 You're just feeling into that touch before facing each other kind of opens up another 461 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:57,120 layer. 462 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:04,200 And I know especially for my autistic ADHD brain, like dropping in is not easy. 463 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:09,160 So for me, once I'm facing into somebody, I'm connected in that way. 464 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:12,820 I love to do like a minute of eyes closed. 465 00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:18,880 So in some connection I can do like forehead pressing and other connection. 466 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:24,840 I can do like one hand on their their chest, one on mine or maybe hands on each other's 467 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:25,840 legs. 468 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:31,280 And I like to have my eyes closed first because facing somebody is a lot more vulnerable for 469 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:37,360 me and setting a timer for that breathing into that space. 470 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:44,240 Then starts the layers of yeah, like you can take it one of two directions. 471 00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:49,400 A lot of times when I'm like really just kind of going into this as a therapy mode, I would 472 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:54,360 not factor in like doing stretching and massage together. 473 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:59,120 But I think that is like something beautiful we just let in our workshop getting into the 474 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:03,480 body a little deeper and just being playful and like finding stretches that you can do 475 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:04,480 together. 476 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,320 Like, can you lean and press my back? 477 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,480 It's a lot of practice on consent. 478 00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:11,480 Can you help me twist a little deeper here? 479 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:15,680 Can we hold each other's hands and like lean this way and lean that way? 480 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:18,880 And it can feel very playful, which is beautiful. 481 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:23,560 And there can be elements of actually waking your body up a little bit more, which I think 482 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:29,560 is huge, especially if you're doing this work after like a long day and you need to kind 483 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:33,440 of drop into the body a little bit more. 484 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:37,120 And then, yeah, the layers of actual intimacy. 485 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:40,400 Do you want to talk us through like eye gazing stuff, Kat? 486 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:41,400 Sure. 487 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:42,400 Yeah. 488 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:46,480 So once you feel really safe and comfortable with your partner, you've co-regulated a 489 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,040 little bit, you've breathed. 490 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:54,640 A couple of things that I love to do with Kyle, like when we're in that good place or 491 00:35:54,640 --> 00:36:00,520 even if we're not in that good place, one thing that we love to do is a heart hug. 492 00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:02,680 And so we've kind of adopted this term. 493 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:08,120 We've adopted this practice is sometimes when we're feeling really disconnected, we will 494 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:12,720 come and hug each other, but not the way that we typically hug people. 495 00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:15,320 Typically we bring our heads to the left. 496 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:19,520 A heart hug, we bring our heads to the right when going in for that hug. 497 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:23,760 And what that does is it aligns where our hearts are with each other. 498 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:25,920 And so heart to heart hug. 499 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:33,240 We don't typically set alarms, Kyle and I, but we just hold that hug until we both feel 500 00:36:33,240 --> 00:36:38,000 our muscles, our bodies and our energy just settle. 501 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,800 So that is one thing that we do often. 502 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:41,800 Eye gazing. 503 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:42,800 Yeah. 504 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:43,800 Kat, real quick. 505 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:44,800 Yeah. 506 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:48,480 I love that hilarious little heart story. 507 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,640 I love that turning your head to the right. 508 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,160 It is so cool. 509 00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:58,640 If you hold a longer hug, our body actually produces oxytocin, which makes us feel connected. 510 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:04,400 They've proven that if you hold a hug for 20 seconds, you can really get this exchange. 511 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:10,480 So if you're just feeling like really overwhelmed, play the hormone chemical game and just hold 512 00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,040 it and breathe. 513 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:17,000 I taught this to a patient, this cute little lady with Alzheimer's. 514 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,200 And I said, I got to get my 20 second hug. 515 00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:24,400 And we would just like hold the hug and her little brain with her Alzheimer's. 516 00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,040 She would just, I wouldn't even be there. 517 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,080 And she'd be like, I need my 20 second hug. 518 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,080 I need my 20 second hug. 519 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,560 And she'd repeat this. 520 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:32,560 It was so cute. 521 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,400 I got to go up to her in her wheelchair and I'm like, I'm here. 522 00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:36,400 I need it too. 523 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,000 Like, let's hug this one out. 524 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:39,000 So that's adorable. 525 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:40,000 So cute. 526 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:41,000 Yes. 527 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:42,200 It's so true. 528 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:48,520 And we all know our friends are people who are good huggers because they hug longer than 529 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:49,640 the what? 530 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,720 Like 0.5 of a second normal. 531 00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:53,320 Just like, oh, hey, how's it going? 532 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:54,320 Quick little hug. 533 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,320 Yeah. 534 00:37:55,320 --> 00:38:00,960 My, one of my other best friends out here, Celeste, she gives like a solid three to five 535 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:04,320 second hug every time we say hello and goodbye. 536 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:07,880 And it just like melts me to my core. 537 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,160 And so longer hugs. 538 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:11,720 Okay, everybody. 539 00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:12,720 Longer hugs. 540 00:38:12,720 --> 00:38:13,720 Yes. 541 00:38:13,720 --> 00:38:14,720 Yeah. 542 00:38:14,720 --> 00:38:16,800 And then eye gazing. 543 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:19,360 I mean, this is something so powerful. 544 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,760 Eyes are the windows to the soul. 545 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:29,680 So taking a moment and just like breathing, staring into your person's eyes and just noticing 546 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:30,680 what comes. 547 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:32,920 It can be super uncomfy. 548 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:34,560 You're going to want to look away. 549 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,360 You're going to want to laugh. 550 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,320 You might end up crying. 551 00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:40,480 Just notice what happens. 552 00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:48,000 And without words, the body has so much to say just through that connection of staring 553 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,520 into each other's eyes. 554 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:54,840 You might set an alarm for like two minutes. 555 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:59,240 You might just look into each other's eyes and see what happens. 556 00:38:59,240 --> 00:39:01,640 And maybe it lasts longer. 557 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,000 Maybe it's shorter. 558 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,800 Just see what the journey has for you there. 559 00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:07,800 I 100%. 560 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:11,320 I 100% need the rules of the timer. 561 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:13,520 I know you're a big timer person. 562 00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:14,520 I want to die. 563 00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,760 My autism says I need the endpoint. 564 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:18,760 So I know I'm safe. 565 00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:19,760 Then we are good. 566 00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:20,760 Yeah. 567 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:23,720 It's like a healthy little boundary you build in for yourself. 568 00:39:23,720 --> 00:39:24,720 It's great. 569 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:25,720 It's safe. 570 00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:32,440 And yeah, it can be so hard, like you said earlier, Jen, to prioritize and make time 571 00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:33,680 for intimacy. 572 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:34,840 I feel it. 573 00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:41,520 Like we live very busy lives here and it can be days of just going through the everyday 574 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:45,200 motions that we get swept up and lost in the hustle. 575 00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:49,560 And it doesn't take long to start feeling disconnected from your person or from your 576 00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:50,760 friends. 577 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:56,320 So something that we've adopted that I feel like I've shared before on the pod here is 578 00:39:56,320 --> 00:40:01,240 when we eat dinner together, which we try to do it if not every day, maybe every other 579 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:04,680 day, we will say, what are your three things? 580 00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:07,880 And this is just a great little conversation opener. 581 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:13,600 And what we mean by that is three things that you're grateful for today and three gifts 582 00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,680 that you gave the world today. 583 00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:20,920 So we usually start with the three gifts because it starts with ourselves and it's like, okay, 584 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:22,440 let me actually check in with myself. 585 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:23,880 What kind of day did I have? 586 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,200 What gifts did I give to the world today? 587 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:32,360 Whether it was hard work, dedication, whether it was presence, holding space for a friend, 588 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:38,400 whether it was anything like that, the grind, like moving my body, things like that. 589 00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:40,320 And then it's like the gratitude. 590 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:45,040 And pretty much every single time we share how we're grateful for each other in that 591 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:46,040 moment. 592 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:47,040 I love that. 593 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,040 Such a good example. 594 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:50,040 Yeah. 595 00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:51,040 Yeah. 596 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:56,300 So this is something you can maybe just carve out like one little session a week if this 597 00:40:56,300 --> 00:40:57,300 is new. 598 00:40:57,300 --> 00:41:02,280 I honestly think going to your own personal therapy is a form of intimacy, getting on 599 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:08,320 your yoga mat is a form of intimacy, but we're also really, really trying to let you know 600 00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:14,800 that the elements of connection and finding people to do this with is so important. 601 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,160 You can even have a friend that you carve out time. 602 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:21,360 It doesn't even have to be a friend that lives in the same town as you. 603 00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:27,080 Like let's go on zoom one day a week and like actually carve out space for intentional. 604 00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,820 Maybe we do do the eye gaze for a second. 605 00:41:29,820 --> 00:41:35,200 Maybe we take turns talking and sharing like what has been scary for me right now. 606 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,640 What's been on my heart? 607 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:38,520 Like where am I today? 608 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:43,880 Like yeah, just actually carving out space where then one person gets to talk and then 609 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:45,460 the other person gets to talk. 610 00:41:45,460 --> 00:41:50,300 And it's also not about like the other person having answers for you. 611 00:41:50,300 --> 00:41:53,520 It's a chance to get to hear yourself like speak. 612 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:58,360 It's a chance to be met with somebody that's lovingly holding space. 613 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:02,100 And we can do this in so many relationships. 614 00:42:02,100 --> 00:42:06,960 And I think it's so transformative and it gets to the point where this actually does 615 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,960 become so much more automatic. 616 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:15,960 I've shared a lot of tick tocks about connection exercises and the top comments I always get 617 00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:22,360 is like just how it's a huge no and how terrifying it is and like how that makes them want to 618 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:23,360 throw up. 619 00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:28,440 Like this all gets to be second nature and it's practice and realizing that it's not 620 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,600 not being able to do it. 621 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:35,680 It's I need to really practice this because my life, you know, I haven't carved out the 622 00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:39,880 time to actually work on intimacy and vulnerability. 623 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:40,880 That's right. 624 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:46,140 So we hope that you are able to take something away from this podcast episode. 625 00:42:46,140 --> 00:42:51,540 We love to hear your thoughts, your takeaways, any feedback and ideas you have. 626 00:42:51,540 --> 00:42:57,600 You can find us on Instagram at Awaken Together podcast and please write, follow, review and 627 00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:59,300 share this little pod. 628 00:42:59,300 --> 00:43:03,760 This month is all about love and we love love and we love you. 629 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:04,760 Yes. 630 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:06,260 And exciting news. 631 00:43:06,260 --> 00:43:10,080 We got some totes made with our logo on it. 632 00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:15,180 So if you want a Waken Together tote, we have a post up on Instagram. 633 00:43:15,180 --> 00:43:19,480 You can message us and let us know so that you can walk around with your cute tote. 634 00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:21,640 I literally love it. 635 00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:22,640 Heck yeah. 636 00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:23,640 They're so cute. 637 00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:24,640 Well, thank you, everybody. 638 00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,640 We love you and we'll talk to you soon. 639 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:49,760 Bye.