WEBVTT

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You know what that sound means? It's another

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episode of Game for a Movie where we ask, are

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you game for a movie? My name is Mike. I'm joined

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by... Andre? Jill? Who are we? I don't know.

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Who are you? No fingers were pointed. There was

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no fingers pointed. You let chaos reign there

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and I was scared for a second. Yeah, I love chaos.

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Even let Jesus take the wheel. I'm just glad

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that somebody said something. I was worried we

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were going to sit in silence for a little bit.

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I was curious to see how long it would go. Yeah,

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right. So we've been drinking. We have been.

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They've been drinking. Yeah. We also watched

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a bad movie. We did. Out of all the movies to

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ever movie. That was one of them. It was definitely

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a movie that I watched. It made me not understand

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a certain genre of film in its appeal. Okay.

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All right. Well, we're going to talk about what

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we're drinking. Okay. How do I handle this? You

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just go. Go. Tell me what you're drinking. I'm

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drinking Alvarium's Rocket Pop. I'm pretty sure

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Jill had one of those last week. That is exactly

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right. We still have them. That was a week ago

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that she had one of those, so this is not nearly

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as fresh as it was a week ago, but it's still

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great. It's a popsicle -style fruited sour. It

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tastes great. Just as good as it did seven days

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ago. Have you found any of the hidden words?

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I have not. I'll keep looking while you tell

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us what you're drinking, though. Jill, what are

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you drinking? That presentation was excellent.

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I would say I'm drinking giggle water, but I'm

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not. I'm drinking water water. Oh, my God. I

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think Mitchell had that last week, too. Mine

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comes out of Connecticut. Yours does come out

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of Connecticut. Not quite as good water, apparently.

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No illustrious history here. Well, I'm drinking

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over here something called the Pallet Mallet.

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It is a Dippa from Back East Brewing, another

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Connecticut beer. I'm pretty sure it's 9%. I'm

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not sure if it's 9 % or 10%. I know it's high.

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And this beer is brewed to hammer your palate

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with plenty of hoppy goodness. So, yeah, that

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is the Pallet Mallet. I couldn't find any words

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either. Me neither. No. Sorry. I was listening.

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Andre is just staring at his beer right now.

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I'm trying to decipher the hidden word. I don't

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want a man to look at me the way that that man's

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looking at his beer. I'm just a man looking at

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this beer asking it to love me. You know who

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didn't use a mallet as a weapon? He did not.

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No. He had a lot of specialty weapons. He did.

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He did. He did. We are talking about the superhero

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film from DC Comics. Is he a superhero? Yeah.

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All right. No. So he's a comic book hero? He's

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a hero? DC Comics own Jonah Hex. Jonah Hex. Hex.

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The man who saved America. But we will never

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know his deeds. No. No. He said no to being the

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sheriff of the country. Yep. He stopped the Civil

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War 11 years after the Civil War ended. Thank

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you. What a badass. So, yes, we watched Jonah

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Hex starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich.

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We also had Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett.

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We had Michael Shannon. Lance Reddick. Lance

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Reddick. There you go. And there's one more I'm

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missing. Oh, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Yes, Jeffrey

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Dean Morgan. Uncredited, but he's there. Yes.

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And only you wanted it on his resume. Yes, exactly.

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I want to believe he and Josh Berlin are friends.

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Sure. Fair. Why not? Why else would he show up

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in this? Yeah. So the story is about a cowboy.

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No, he's not a cowboy. He is kind of a cowboy.

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He's the closest thing to a cowboy. He's a man

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of the West. He's not a man of the West's call

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like it is. He's a goddamn confederate soldier

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that turnscoat, betrays his general, and his

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family gets killed because he decided to fight

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against the confederacy. Did they ever explain

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that? He's a man who doesn't like being told

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what to do. That's it. He just turned on his

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best friend Jeb. That's all we know. as like

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they were ordered to do something and Jeb was

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going to do it because his father was his dad

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and Jeb was like, well, he ain't my daddy, so.

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He shot Jeb, yeah. Okay, so he just. They were

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going to do something bad. He offed Jeb. He offed,

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well, right, but he fought against the Confederacy

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not because of his moral code but because he

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didn't like being told what to do. No, he fought

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against the Nate, so the reason is, so Weapon

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Man explains that you, like, come on, you're

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not. Smith is his name. Smith. Smith? The blacksmith.

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It is blacksmith, the blacksmith. Are you fucking

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kidding me? Yes. Yes, you are welcome. And honestly,

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I didn't realize that during the movie. I realized

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that. Just now. Alright, let me get the thought

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out. So what I'm saying is, the blacksmith says,

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you're not for slavery, you're not for etc. You

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only joined the confederacy because you're a

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man who doesn't like to be told what to do. That

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is literally what he says. So it's not that he...

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So why not fight for the union? And he basically

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says... Because he's a libertarian! Basically

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he goes, there are hypocrites on both sides.

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Oh, that's right. Both sides are terrible. Both

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sides. Got it. Is the man all by himself? Yes.

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But yes. The black man named Smith is a black

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Smith. Yeah. Played by. Lance Reddick. Lance

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Reddick. Yeah. Great voice. Guy you would recognize

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as the concierge for the Continental and the

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John Wick movies. Yep. Yeah. He's, oh man, this

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hurts. Just realizing that. Like the scar on

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John X's face. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. The double scar.

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Scar. The double scar. Double scar. So, basically...

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It's a story of revenge. Story of revenge. Jonah

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Hex's family is killed by General Turnbull. Turnbull,

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yes. Played by John Malkovich, who doesn't have

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a southern accent. No. And he does not even try

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to have one. And a really bad wig. Yeah. And

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a really bad wig. And a fake nose. Yes. When

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he kills... Turnbull's son Jeb, his best friend

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played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, basically Turnbull

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kills Jonah Hex's family, leaves him to die,

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and now, as it is in the comics... He gets branded.

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He gets branded as well, yes. So he has a scar

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on his face. As it is in the comics, Jonah Hex

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has a connection to the dead. He doesn't have

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a power necessarily, but he can tell when death

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is coming. okay like a vulture and kind of stays

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ahead of it that's really what his whole thing

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is okay all right yes fine sure in this movie

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after he gets branded you get we get a weird

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comic book montage that's kind of forced of him

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getting revived revived by um a tribe of native

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americans and then he says that because he was

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so close to death the crows follow crows follow

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him so he has crows within him and he has the

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power to speak with the dead yes this is only

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in the movie yes which is wild to me i thought

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so to me the fact that okay so in the movie hero

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yeah right so i don't know i knew nothing about

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jonah hex before i watched this um and the fact

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that in the movie he has the power to revive

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dead people and talk to them for a little bit

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um they did that three times in this movie and

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It was so weird and out of place that I figured,

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oh, this must be what the comic book character

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does. And they just had to throw it in because

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it wouldn't be recognizable without that power.

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And then you told me as you were sitting down,

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oh, yeah, they made that power up for the movie.

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And I'm like, what? Thank you, IMDB, for that.

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What? And the drinking game that we found halfway

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through the movie, which probably would have

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killed us if we actually started at the beginning

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of the movie. Especially for the one scene we

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started on. For those who are considering playing

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at home, one of the rules is drink every time

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they say the name Hex. Guess what? It said a

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lot. Drink every time his scar is mentioned.

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Drink every time there's an explosion. Every

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time somebody dies. And this might as well have

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been a Michael Bay movie because there was a

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lot of explosions. There was a lot of explosions.

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For no reason. And Megan Fox. Megan Fox. A step

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above Sexy Limp? Yeah, she's on Sexy Limp. Because

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the Sexy Limp just exists to go from scene to

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scene. I don't really know. Sexy Roomba? She

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does go from scene to scene. She moves. She has

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a utility. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I don't know. I'm

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trying to think of what the term is past sexy

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lamp. I don't know either. I don't know. She

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has some agency. You know, she does get kidnapped

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as a woman does in these films. But you give

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her a couple weapons, she knows how to handle

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herself. Yes. I appreciated that she wasn't like,

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oh my god, I don't know what to do. She was a

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strong -willed, sexy woman. Yes. And she worked

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at a brothel. I was about to say, she was a lady

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of the night. And she wore a corset. Yes. A very,

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very, very tight corset. Yes. Basically... To

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accentuate her 20 inch waist. What is funny about

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this whole thing is this is after Transformers,

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after Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, and

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after Jennifer's body. Wait, what studio did

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produce the Transformers films? Was it Warner

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Brothers too? You okay over there? I'm a little

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sleepy because this movie bored me to death.

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It would be Universal. No, it would be Warner.

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Which studio? Because I'm wondering if she was

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like contracted to do this movie. Oh, sure. I

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don't know. Is this a Sandra Bullock Speed 2

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situation? No, I don't think so. No, I don't

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think it was. I think she was out of her contract

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at that point. I don't know. Because, I mean,

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it does make sense that you would try to get

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in on a superhero franchise from the very beginning.

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Yeah. Especially after seeing what has happened.

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Yeah, right. So this is two years after Iron

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Man, right? He started filming it probably in

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2009. Sure is Universal is a part of it. Okay.

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Universal, Paramount Pictures, Amblin, DreamWorks,

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these are all. Amblin? Amblin. Oh, Spielberg.

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These are the Transformers movies. Oh, okay.

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Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Well, she was out of the Transformers

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movies by the third one, right? Well, after the

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second one. She didn't go anywhere in the third

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one. Right. The third one was with Mark Wahlberg,

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right? No. It was the different sexy lamp. Oh,

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that's right. Okay. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Wow,

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Jonah Hex really captured our imagination. Dude.

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You can tell. Yeah. It's breaking you. it is

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a little bit there was some so we'll talk more

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about it before we go too deep in this transformer

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transformer megan fox tangent um dark of the

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moon that's what it was dark of the moon was

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rosie huntington whitely victoria's secret model

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okay great yep cool all right yeah it's all right

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keep going so jonah hex was filmed really badly

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it was holy shit Yeah, so can we talk about the

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director's credits? Because you pointed out how

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many director's credits he had. Yeah, let me

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bring it back up. I seem to remember it was three.

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There was more than three. There was more than

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three? He stopped, he hasn't made a film since

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the mid -2010s, directed. So his credits include

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Jimmy Hayward. Okay. Jimmy Hayward's the director.

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So he has directed... Yeah, you're right. I was

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right. Three. In 2008, he directed Horton Hears

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a Who, Jonah Hex in 2010, and 2013 is his last

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film, Free Birds. Free Birds. He likes his animated

00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:50.419
films. Yeah. Yeah, Free Birds. And he wrote the

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screenplay for Free Birds. Or he has a credit

00:11:52.700 --> 00:11:54.600
for it. Yeah, the action is all over the place.

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Every single scene is interstitched with Jonah

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Hex riding on a horse, which... That's why it's

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a cowboy. And I mean, there's a train robbery

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scene. But he's not involved in the train robbery

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scene. He's not robbing people. There's still

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a train robbery. I'm looking up how you define

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a cowboy. Sure, but he's a bounty hunter. He's

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a bounty hunter. He's a former Confederate soldier.

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Turned co -confederate soldier that went to bounty

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hunting because he can talk to the dead and find

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leads that nobody else does. He's not a cowboy.

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He's not a cowboy? He's not a cowboy. He's an

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animal herder who tends to cattle. Yeah, sure,

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sure, sure. But, you know. Tends to animals.

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Okay, what animals? Cows? Is he a boy? Cowboy!

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I mean, he has two animal companions. He does.

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He does. He has a dog and a horse. He has a dog

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and a horse. What's the horse's name? Horse.

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Horse. I feel like Geralt Summer being like,

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I can do better than that. Yeah, right, right.

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Well, it just makes me laugh because it made

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me think of Red Dead Redemption. This whole movie

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gave me Red Dead vibes, which is the point. In

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a bad way. It's the worst parts of Red Dead.

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I'd rather just play Red Dead. Yeah, right. But

00:13:04.379 --> 00:13:06.480
it's funny because one of my favorite YouTube

00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:09.019
channels, they played Red Dead, and they called

00:13:09.019 --> 00:13:11.700
their horse Horse and Wells. Okay. That's kind

00:13:11.700 --> 00:13:13.919
of clever. Yeah. I like that. I like that better

00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:16.679
than horse. Sure, sure. I can't imagine Jonah

00:13:16.679 --> 00:13:20.039
Hex saying Horse and Wells. No. But yes, with

00:13:20.039 --> 00:13:22.440
those, going back to why we brought up the director,

00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:26.289
this film... is very poorly shot, and it stands

00:13:26.289 --> 00:13:28.789
out in a stark contrast to the film we talked

00:13:28.789 --> 00:13:31.429
about last week, which was filmed really, really

00:13:31.429 --> 00:13:36.129
well. So... Yeah. Yeah, kind of a... Yeah. Rough

00:13:36.129 --> 00:13:38.470
comparison. Sam Raimi versus... I just needed

00:13:38.470 --> 00:13:41.110
to think back to last week. Jimmy Hayward. Jimmy

00:13:41.110 --> 00:13:43.610
Hayward. Yeah. Sorry, it took me a second because

00:13:43.610 --> 00:13:45.830
it's been so long. Yeah, it's been a while. So

00:13:45.830 --> 00:13:47.309
I just had to think of what movie we talked about

00:13:47.309 --> 00:13:49.710
last week. It's been a while. Yeah. Yeah, man,

00:13:49.789 --> 00:13:52.129
I don't really know, like, how to extrapolate

00:13:52.129 --> 00:13:54.620
my thoughts on this film because... It was just

00:13:54.620 --> 00:13:57.220
boring. I don't know. Well, that's the thing.

00:13:57.320 --> 00:13:59.519
It shouldn't have been. As our friend Mitchell

00:13:59.519 --> 00:14:02.860
always says, the biggest crime for a bad movie

00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:06.980
is being boring. Yeah. And so Joe was bringing

00:14:06.980 --> 00:14:10.000
this up before we started talking. The movies

00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:13.019
we've watched together, Transylvania and Jonah

00:14:13.019 --> 00:14:16.639
Hex, which one is worse? I say Jonah Hex. Yes,

00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:17.919
I would agree. Because at least Transylvania

00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:20.539
had something worth laughing about. I was about

00:14:20.539 --> 00:14:22.340
to say, like, Transylvania had the effect of

00:14:22.340 --> 00:14:25.220
what the fuck? fuck am I watching? Like, what

00:14:25.220 --> 00:14:28.279
in the goddamn hell? It didn't have the two stoner

00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:31.139
guys. Well, right, but I'm not even saying that,

00:14:31.179 --> 00:14:33.299
like, oh, it had jokes and it was funny. Like,

00:14:33.320 --> 00:14:36.419
no, it was... Yeah, we need more beer for this.

00:14:36.620 --> 00:14:41.419
It was just insanely, like, off the wall. This

00:14:41.419 --> 00:14:45.340
one, like, Jonah Hex is, like, it's almost rote

00:14:45.340 --> 00:14:47.340
and, well, it's rote and mundane. Like, you know,

00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:50.700
like, it's just like, alright. script. Yes. That,

00:14:50.700 --> 00:14:52.200
you know, has the benefit of actually having

00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:54.519
some pretty decent actors with one exception.

00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:57.899
Right. Who I think was a little bit snoozy on

00:14:57.899 --> 00:15:01.000
the set. Yes. Oh, man. John Malkovich is bored

00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:03.080
out of his fucking mind. He's very bored. Like,

00:15:03.100 --> 00:15:05.960
I, dude. The way we described him is, this is

00:15:05.960 --> 00:15:08.120
a paycheck, this is a paycheck. Yeah, yeah. So

00:15:08.120 --> 00:15:09.639
he, as we mentioned, he's playing the general,

00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:12.620
the Confederate general who is, who killed Jonah

00:15:12.620 --> 00:15:16.159
Hex's family and he's his rival slash. main villain

00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:19.200
bad guy who wants to destroy America for reasons.

00:15:20.100 --> 00:15:23.399
Because his son is dead, I guess. Yeah, he doesn't

00:15:23.399 --> 00:15:25.539
even bother with, like, a southern accent, which

00:15:25.539 --> 00:15:27.220
sounds like a superficial complaint, but, like,

00:15:27.240 --> 00:15:30.679
it's just... It's noticeable. It's weird, and

00:15:30.679 --> 00:15:32.700
it's just, John Malkovich just saying, like,

00:15:32.740 --> 00:15:34.899
literally, it's just him reading the script.

00:15:35.059 --> 00:15:37.100
You know what I mean? Like, it is just that vibe.

00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:40.559
Go for it. Oh, I was just gonna say, I do wonder

00:15:40.559 --> 00:15:42.539
about that, because literally, we were talking

00:15:42.539 --> 00:15:44.960
about, does... He had the capability to talk,

00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:47.559
like, in the southern accent. Josh Brolin is

00:15:47.559 --> 00:15:50.019
doing a southern accent. Josh Brolin also just

00:15:50.019 --> 00:15:52.080
has a good voice for it. He does, sure, but,

00:15:52.159 --> 00:15:54.440
like... And, like, you can't compare the two

00:15:54.440 --> 00:15:57.919
in voice depth. No, but, like, Josh Brolin doesn't

00:15:57.919 --> 00:16:00.379
have a southern accent in real life, and he does

00:16:00.379 --> 00:16:02.960
in this movie, so he is trying harder, is all

00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:08.340
I will, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's not even for

00:16:08.340 --> 00:16:10.700
the lack of material, because we know... John

00:16:10.700 --> 00:16:13.679
Malkovich. Yeah. He can chew that scenery like

00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:15.740
the best. Yes, he can. Right, right. Watch it

00:16:15.740 --> 00:16:21.100
on air. Jesus. Yeah. And he has, or Space Force.

00:16:21.299 --> 00:16:23.679
Space Force, okay. He's pretty good in Space

00:16:23.679 --> 00:16:27.360
Force. I haven't seen Space Force. Anyway, he

00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:31.700
has material too in this. There's plenty of mustachioed

00:16:31.700 --> 00:16:35.860
twirling monologues about why we're doing whatever

00:16:35.860 --> 00:16:38.220
we're doing. There's plenty of time for him to

00:16:38.220 --> 00:16:42.590
go full villain. The person that decided to go

00:16:42.590 --> 00:16:46.090
full villain. Michael Fassbender. The MVP of

00:16:46.090 --> 00:16:49.769
the movie? I think yes. I think he's the most

00:16:49.769 --> 00:16:54.549
entertaining part. Maybe the dog. He's like the

00:16:54.549 --> 00:16:59.590
bowl cap wearing Irish. Bowler hat. Bowler hat

00:16:59.590 --> 00:17:03.690
wearing Irish tattooed henchman. He has tattoos

00:17:03.690 --> 00:17:06.609
on his chin. Imagine Michael Fassbender with

00:17:06.609 --> 00:17:10.299
tattoos on his chin. able to do his best Jude

00:17:10.299 --> 00:17:12.160
Law impersonation? I kept thinking Jude Law.

00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:17.039
I can see that. In an alternate universe, this

00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:20.859
is Jude Law. He's a madcap Irish man with knives.

00:17:21.220 --> 00:17:24.200
Yes. Wants to kill everybody that the general

00:17:24.200 --> 00:17:27.140
sends him on and basically he's just a loyal

00:17:27.140 --> 00:17:30.259
henchman. He's like the dude from Ride to Ho...

00:17:30.980 --> 00:17:32.799
Retribution? Yeah, because there's a dude with

00:17:32.799 --> 00:17:36.099
knives, too. Oh, my God. If this movie was a

00:17:36.099 --> 00:17:39.559
video game, it would be Ride to Hell Retribution.

00:17:39.940 --> 00:17:43.339
Except in the 1870s. It's the 1970s. Right, right.

00:17:44.980 --> 00:17:47.839
What? Are you doing okay over there? No, I'm

00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:49.940
blown. No, I'm not doing okay over here. That

00:17:49.940 --> 00:17:52.960
is like this movie, right? Yeah, it is. For those

00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:54.940
who may not know what Ride to Hell Retribution

00:17:54.940 --> 00:17:58.059
is, Ride to Hell. Road to Hell? Ride to Hell.

00:17:58.140 --> 00:18:00.200
Ride to Hell Retribution is... Easy for you to

00:18:00.200 --> 00:18:03.980
say. Look it up. That is a whole goldmine of

00:18:03.980 --> 00:18:06.259
YouTube videos for you to watch. So, Michael

00:18:06.259 --> 00:18:09.480
Fassbender. Yeah. Absolutely, I think he's having

00:18:09.480 --> 00:18:12.319
a ball. He's having a ball. Yeah, sure. I think

00:18:12.319 --> 00:18:13.819
he's... I hope he's... He's definitely not bored.

00:18:13.980 --> 00:18:15.980
He's definitely not bored. No, he gave his all

00:18:15.980 --> 00:18:19.579
for this film, I think. Even though they all

00:18:19.579 --> 00:18:22.480
knew to give up on it. Yeah. So, what was the

00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:25.369
IMDb fact you said about... So, they all... wanted

00:18:25.369 --> 00:18:28.210
to make a better... They all strove to make a

00:18:28.210 --> 00:18:30.470
good movie, but according to Josh Brolin, they

00:18:30.470 --> 00:18:32.490
got to a point where it was just unsalvageable.

00:18:33.009 --> 00:18:36.190
Yeah. And they knew it was going to be bad. Yes.

00:18:36.829 --> 00:18:40.869
And bad it was. Bad it was, dude. Oh, Michael

00:18:40.869 --> 00:18:43.349
Fassbender based his character on sociopaths

00:18:43.349 --> 00:18:46.769
like The Riddler and Alex DeLarge. Okay. I see

00:18:46.769 --> 00:18:51.230
a lot of Alex in that. I get that. Okay. I can

00:18:51.230 --> 00:18:53.509
definitely see that. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair.

00:18:53.650 --> 00:18:56.950
That follows. That fits. One of the bad things

00:18:56.950 --> 00:18:59.430
I wanted to talk to you guys about because it

00:18:59.430 --> 00:19:01.430
bothered me a lot. The lack of special features

00:19:01.430 --> 00:19:06.849
on the DVD? Yes. No. I know that's part of our

00:19:06.849 --> 00:19:12.990
promo. Where Andre's yelling about fucking Hansel

00:19:12.990 --> 00:19:15.410
and Gretel Witch Hunter. There was no special

00:19:15.410 --> 00:19:18.410
features on that DVD. That's exactly how I feel

00:19:18.410 --> 00:19:21.470
right now. Oh my god. No, the thing I wanted

00:19:21.470 --> 00:19:23.720
to talk to you guys about. was the darkness.

00:19:24.839 --> 00:19:28.579
This film was dark. It was very dark. Up your

00:19:28.579 --> 00:19:30.819
brightness, everybody. In a literal sense, like

00:19:30.819 --> 00:19:32.660
you can't see shit. Remember that episode of

00:19:32.660 --> 00:19:36.359
Game of Thrones? Final season? Yeah, the longest

00:19:36.359 --> 00:19:38.740
night, and it was dark as shit. Did you watch

00:19:38.740 --> 00:19:40.700
the last season? I didn't watch Game of Thrones.

00:19:40.940 --> 00:19:43.099
Good for you, dude. That's all I will say. I

00:19:43.099 --> 00:19:45.299
didn't set myself up for disappointment. Game

00:19:45.299 --> 00:19:46.779
of Thrones fans, you know what I'm talking about,

00:19:46.839 --> 00:19:48.700
and I'll leave it at that. Well, I mean, alright,

00:19:48.859 --> 00:19:51.559
so let's get into this, because we opened the...

00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:54.779
We open Pandora's box on this. Okay. If you talk

00:19:54.779 --> 00:19:57.599
TV shows, for the most part, I have not seen

00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:00.319
it. Okay. Because I am a movie person. Sure.

00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:02.619
Gotcha. I like watching movies where I'm like

00:20:02.619 --> 00:20:05.700
two hours in, out, done. If I care about these

00:20:05.700 --> 00:20:08.339
characters, I may watch a sequel. Sure. If I

00:20:08.339 --> 00:20:10.119
don't care about these characters, never have

00:20:10.119 --> 00:20:11.700
to think about it again. Fuck yourself. Yeah.

00:20:11.740 --> 00:20:17.450
You're done. So that's why I say TV shows. Usually

00:20:17.450 --> 00:20:19.630
never watched. Yeah, okay, gotcha. But you're

00:20:19.630 --> 00:20:21.849
definitely signing on for a Jonah Hex sequel

00:20:21.849 --> 00:20:24.589
whenever they make it, right? No. Josh Brolin

00:20:24.589 --> 00:20:26.809
would make this film again if he had $5 million

00:20:26.809 --> 00:20:30.269
lying around. Yes, yes he would. And that is

00:20:30.269 --> 00:20:33.690
scary to me. But yes, the darkness. This movie

00:20:33.690 --> 00:20:36.890
had some lighting issues at times. It's just,

00:20:37.069 --> 00:20:40.869
well, I don't know. The palette color was black

00:20:40.869 --> 00:20:45.640
or brown. Or hyper, like. Stylized in the metaphor.

00:20:45.700 --> 00:20:48.339
The red in the astral plane. Yeah, right, right,

00:20:48.339 --> 00:20:50.420
right. So, like, we'll have... Okay, so, like,

00:20:50.460 --> 00:20:52.359
you know, what? Two -thirds of the way through

00:20:52.359 --> 00:20:54.500
our movie, which is a pretty short, thankfully,

00:20:54.700 --> 00:20:58.039
85... 82 minutes. 82 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, Jonah

00:20:58.039 --> 00:21:01.420
dies again. Yeah, right, right, right. So, so

00:21:01.420 --> 00:21:04.160
he... Yeah, he dies, sort of. He's nearly dead.

00:21:04.380 --> 00:21:06.160
He's nearly dead. So, yeah, right. He has an

00:21:06.160 --> 00:21:09.819
encounter with Turnbull. And, oh, we didn't even

00:21:09.819 --> 00:21:11.559
tell, like, what is the main fucking plot of

00:21:11.559 --> 00:21:14.180
this movie? Turnbull wants to use a finder. He

00:21:14.180 --> 00:21:15.440
wants to watch the world burn. He wants to use

00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:18.759
a Dragon Ball. Yeah, yeah. He gets a super weapon

00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:23.759
made by the inventor. Eli Whitney Sr. Eli Whitney

00:21:23.759 --> 00:21:29.170
Sr. That nefarious Whitney. Um, fucking. Makes

00:21:29.170 --> 00:21:32.109
a super weapon that blows shit up and they never

00:21:32.109 --> 00:21:34.710
made it because it was too terrible, but John

00:21:34.710 --> 00:21:37.970
Malkovich Turnbull gets his hands on the plans

00:21:37.970 --> 00:21:41.670
and he... And he's going to be like, I'm going

00:21:41.670 --> 00:21:45.809
to fire this shit on 4th of July 1876. Where

00:21:45.809 --> 00:21:48.930
Grant's making his speech. Yeah, right. And I

00:21:48.930 --> 00:21:51.369
love how they have a scene where Grant's in this

00:21:51.369 --> 00:21:53.529
movie, by the way, and they're like, Sir, we

00:21:53.529 --> 00:21:55.670
have no idea where he's going to strike. And

00:21:55.670 --> 00:21:58.029
he strikes at the most obvious spot possible.

00:21:58.109 --> 00:22:03.329
His speech. world's fair going on yeah i understand

00:22:03.329 --> 00:22:05.950
i watched that scene too but like it was just

00:22:05.950 --> 00:22:08.690
well the thing was so the the reason we say they

00:22:08.690 --> 00:22:10.970
didn't know where he was going is because the

00:22:10.970 --> 00:22:14.410
first test he did he blew up a town yeah and

00:22:14.410 --> 00:22:17.029
apparently killed how many 200 people almost

00:22:17.029 --> 00:22:20.269
300 people almost I was just going to say like

00:22:20.269 --> 00:22:22.690
324 people. Okay, sure. That sounds about right.

00:22:22.710 --> 00:22:25.190
And they were all civilians. Civilians, yes.

00:22:25.190 --> 00:22:27.490
None of them were... Combatants. Combatants,

00:22:27.490 --> 00:22:29.630
yes, exactly. And so then they're explaining

00:22:29.630 --> 00:22:31.690
this to Grant and they're just like, we don't

00:22:31.690 --> 00:22:33.230
know where he's going to strike. He killed all

00:22:33.230 --> 00:22:36.329
these civilians, blah, blah, blah. Is this Will

00:22:36.329 --> 00:22:38.230
Arnett? Do we even speak to him? No, it's not.

00:22:38.269 --> 00:22:40.670
No, it's not. Let's not forget he's in this.

00:22:40.750 --> 00:22:42.509
He is in this. Will Arnett is in this. He is

00:22:42.509 --> 00:22:44.970
in it. And I still love the fact that his name

00:22:44.970 --> 00:22:49.619
is Lieutenant Grass. Yep. And when I said, because

00:22:49.619 --> 00:22:52.259
there's a part in the movie, spoilers, in case

00:22:52.259 --> 00:22:54.660
you're going to watch, Will Arnett dies. And

00:22:54.660 --> 00:22:58.039
I said, his ass is grass. And you guys didn't

00:22:58.039 --> 00:23:00.619
even know that his name was Lieutenant Grass.

00:23:01.539 --> 00:23:04.519
I didn't even hear that. Yeah, you said, looks

00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:07.099
like his ass is grass. And I was like, I don't

00:23:07.099 --> 00:23:10.759
understand what you're saying at all. Like, neither

00:23:10.759 --> 00:23:12.579
of you. You're looking at me with blank faces.

00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:15.480
I'm like, yeah. His name is Lieutenant Grass.

00:23:15.660 --> 00:23:19.140
Oh, okay. I just knew his name was Will Arnett.

00:23:19.240 --> 00:23:23.500
His ass is Arnett. Yeah, exactly. So he's going

00:23:23.500 --> 00:23:27.079
to John Malkovich Trumbull is going to try and

00:23:27.079 --> 00:23:31.119
get the super weapon from Fort Resurrection.

00:23:31.400 --> 00:23:33.960
Fort Resurrection, yes. Because that wasn't on

00:23:33.960 --> 00:23:37.279
the nose. That's where Jonah Hex and him first

00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:38.940
encounter each other for the first time since

00:23:38.940 --> 00:23:42.210
he murdered his family. He almost dies. Which

00:23:42.210 --> 00:23:44.029
we were also confused about because we were at

00:23:44.029 --> 00:23:48.730
the fort thinking this was John Malkovich Turnbull

00:23:48.730 --> 00:23:53.029
was explaining to Michael Fassbender going, like,

00:23:53.049 --> 00:23:55.849
this is my plan. He was saying the whole plan.

00:23:55.849 --> 00:23:57.410
He was explaining where he got the weapon from,

00:23:57.509 --> 00:23:58.849
et cetera, et cetera. We're getting the villain's

00:23:58.849 --> 00:24:01.410
monologue. Yes. We thought that was just happening,

00:24:01.430 --> 00:24:04.390
like, before because, like, Jonah's piecing this

00:24:04.390 --> 00:24:06.509
together with all these, like, yeah, he's looking

00:24:06.509 --> 00:24:08.430
at a map. He's looking at these drawings. He's,

00:24:08.450 --> 00:24:10.819
like, piecing it together. No, they're still

00:24:10.819 --> 00:24:12.799
in the same fucking place. They're just in two

00:24:12.799 --> 00:24:15.680
different rooms. But it's shot in such a way,

00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:17.660
it's like, is this a flashback? Is this happening

00:24:17.660 --> 00:24:21.579
simultaneously? Very bizarre. Sorry. Stop playing

00:24:21.579 --> 00:24:23.599
footsie with me, Andre. It's the only thing I

00:24:23.599 --> 00:24:25.920
got going for me at this point. Again? Yeah.

00:24:26.099 --> 00:24:33.519
Dude, my feet are on this side. I got long legs,

00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:39.930
man. Alright, it's my table. Jeez. JMT. John

00:24:39.930 --> 00:24:49.130
Malkovich Turnbull, the first, shoots at Jonah

00:24:49.130 --> 00:24:52.450
Hex, and Jonah Hex almost dies, and it's all

00:24:52.450 --> 00:24:57.329
set. It's not John Malkovich Turnbull. It's Michael

00:24:57.329 --> 00:25:00.650
Fassbender. He puts two shotgun shells through

00:25:00.650 --> 00:25:03.609
his chest. He even proudly declares, I put two

00:25:03.609 --> 00:25:05.849
shotgun shells through him. Like, I put two shells

00:25:05.849 --> 00:25:08.900
in his chest, he should be dead. Yeah, no, he's

00:25:08.900 --> 00:25:12.220
not dead. He hopped on a horse, is, like, fading,

00:25:12.339 --> 00:25:15.339
so he falls to the astral plane, where basically

00:25:15.339 --> 00:25:17.579
he sees his unfinished business, which is vengeance.

00:25:17.579 --> 00:25:20.400
Oh, he takes care of JMT. Yeah, it's his JMT

00:25:20.400 --> 00:25:23.920
that he needs his vengeance on. Then they duke

00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:25.900
it out with some fisticuffs. Yeah, it's very

00:25:25.900 --> 00:25:28.980
metaphorical, very deep, that he's having a hallucination

00:25:28.980 --> 00:25:31.480
of fighting John Malkovich before he dies. And

00:25:31.480 --> 00:25:34.170
then John Malkovich... Kills him in the dream

00:25:34.170 --> 00:25:37.069
world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then there's a montage

00:25:37.069 --> 00:25:39.509
of him getting saved by Native Americans again.

00:25:39.849 --> 00:25:42.730
Who never speak. No, they never speak. No Native

00:25:42.730 --> 00:25:45.069
American has a spoken role in this movie. Yes.

00:25:46.049 --> 00:25:48.609
Except for, I guess, his wife. But I don't think

00:25:48.609 --> 00:25:50.369
she has a line. His wife and his son, really.

00:25:50.490 --> 00:25:53.490
But his son has a line, yeah. Son Travis, right?

00:25:53.509 --> 00:25:55.480
He's part Native American. Let's just call it

00:25:55.480 --> 00:25:57.660
what it is. Right, right, right. That was the

00:25:57.660 --> 00:26:00.039
reveal. That was the reveal. While he's dying,

00:26:00.140 --> 00:26:01.880
we finally see his wife and son for the first

00:26:01.880 --> 00:26:04.559
time. Oh, you know, like, it's just, like, this

00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:07.579
weird montage of, like, them blowing, like, a

00:26:07.579 --> 00:26:09.079
Native American child, like, blowing, like, smoke

00:26:09.079 --> 00:26:12.019
and doing kind of semi, I don't know, stereotypical

00:26:12.019 --> 00:26:15.000
shit of, like, trying to revive him in a weird

00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:16.920
way. This is my favorite part, though. So, like,

00:26:16.940 --> 00:26:18.799
he's, like, freaking out. The smoke hits him.

00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:22.019
His eyes turn yellow. And, like, this crow smoke

00:26:22.019 --> 00:26:25.119
cloud comes out of his... Like, mouth. Yeah.

00:26:25.619 --> 00:26:28.079
So I'm like, okay, yeah, you know, the crows

00:26:28.079 --> 00:26:31.099
follow him, whatever. Cool. Whatever. Yeah. It's

00:26:31.099 --> 00:26:34.319
all smoke. Then all of a sudden, a crow flies

00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:36.599
out of his mouth. Yeah. Like an actual crow.

00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:38.319
Yeah, it's a real ass crow. Well, he still has

00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:40.519
the yellow eyes of a supernatural demon. Yeah.

00:26:40.519 --> 00:26:43.339
Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, okay, it's like

00:26:43.339 --> 00:26:45.740
a metaphorical crow. No. The Native Americans.

00:26:46.190 --> 00:26:48.710
dodge it they see the thing yeah they're like

00:26:48.710 --> 00:26:50.670
oh shit that's a crow and then they do like a

00:26:50.670 --> 00:26:53.250
close -up of his mouth that looked like it had

00:26:53.250 --> 00:26:56.549
like an orifice inside of it yeah that was not

00:26:56.549 --> 00:26:58.690
necessary yeah no and then it immediately cuts

00:26:58.690 --> 00:27:01.049
to like there's no resolution to that scene he

00:27:01.049 --> 00:27:03.089
gets up and then it's immediately cut to he's

00:27:03.089 --> 00:27:05.150
on his horse again and he's on his way he doesn't

00:27:05.150 --> 00:27:08.329
just gets up he yells turnbull yeah yeah yeah

00:27:08.329 --> 00:27:11.109
and then he's on his horse without any backup

00:27:11.500 --> 00:27:13.720
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the Native Americans

00:27:13.720 --> 00:27:15.279
don't have any comment on what just occurred

00:27:15.279 --> 00:27:17.839
in front of them. There was no even scene of

00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:20.339
like, go, Jonah Hex, you must do your thing or

00:27:20.339 --> 00:27:22.019
whatever. You need to rest. You need to rest.

00:27:22.019 --> 00:27:24.799
Or even that, yeah. I can't. I need to get Turnbull.

00:27:24.920 --> 00:27:27.099
Yeah, yeah. All right, we understand. No, there's

00:27:27.099 --> 00:27:28.759
none of that. And then it's just straight to

00:27:28.759 --> 00:27:30.779
boom. Like, all right. We're doing this. We're

00:27:30.779 --> 00:27:33.519
on our way. Tell the president that I'll be here.

00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:36.420
And he used to send all of his men there. Stop.

00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:40.720
What? How'd he get on the boat? He tracked it

00:27:40.720 --> 00:27:43.339
down. the way you track a boat? Yeah. Wait, how

00:27:43.339 --> 00:27:45.279
do you get on the boat, though? Freestyle swimming.

00:27:46.380 --> 00:27:49.640
Can you swim? Sure, I know. No, that's presumptuous.

00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:52.299
Like, really, though. How did he get on the boat?

00:27:52.380 --> 00:27:54.359
He got on a horse and met up with dogs. Fuck,

00:27:54.359 --> 00:27:56.220
you're right. I don't think we know how he got

00:27:56.220 --> 00:27:58.799
on the boat. He tracked down the boat as one

00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:00.980
tracks down. I understand how he found the boat,

00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:03.160
but how did he get on the boat? Because the boat

00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:05.299
was in a fucking... Because when we see them

00:28:05.299 --> 00:28:07.779
lining up their shot before he starts taking

00:28:07.779 --> 00:28:10.859
them out, they're 4 ,000 meters or whatever from

00:28:10.859 --> 00:28:13.859
the coast. So they went from somewhere else.

00:28:13.900 --> 00:28:15.660
You know that scene at the end of The Princess

00:28:15.660 --> 00:28:18.319
Bride when they leap from the tower and they

00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:21.960
kind of fly down? That's what he did. He got

00:28:21.960 --> 00:28:24.339
up on his horse. This is Jill's interpretation,

00:28:24.519 --> 00:28:26.720
by the way. They don't show this. No, I'm just

00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:29.259
making it up as I go. Yeah. Well, it's DC. He

00:28:29.259 --> 00:28:32.940
flew. So it's DC. Maybe he's a vampire. Who knows?

00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:35.779
So it's DC Comics. He called Aquaman. Aquaman

00:28:35.779 --> 00:28:39.319
got two dolphins out to take him there. That's

00:28:39.319 --> 00:28:41.039
in the extended director's cut that which we

00:28:41.039 --> 00:28:42.380
will never see the light of day because there

00:28:42.380 --> 00:28:45.799
are no DVD special features. There are no dolphins

00:28:45.799 --> 00:28:49.740
in the Potomac. But Aquaman. But Aquaman. Yeah,

00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:52.789
Aquaman, bro. Don't you know Deus Ex Aquaman?

00:28:52.970 --> 00:29:00.390
Yeah. Meanwhile, Megan Fox plays Delilah. Tallulah.

00:29:00.490 --> 00:29:02.730
Well, that's her real name. Lila is her nickname.

00:29:03.670 --> 00:29:06.369
Tallulah is her real name. She is the Lady of

00:29:06.369 --> 00:29:08.730
the Night, as was mentioned. I'd still fuck her

00:29:08.730 --> 00:29:12.630
with the name Tallulah. Even if you have to yell,

00:29:12.730 --> 00:29:19.769
Tallulah. You're welcome. Now you just have to

00:29:19.769 --> 00:29:24.160
imagine that. She and Jonah Hex at least have

00:29:24.160 --> 00:29:26.420
a pre -established relationship, so it's not

00:29:26.420 --> 00:29:27.839
like one of those scenarios where, like, they

00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:29.599
meet and then they keep bumping into each other

00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:31.160
and then they quickly fall in love. What was

00:29:31.160 --> 00:29:34.460
the math there? Like, 12 years apart? 14 years

00:29:34.460 --> 00:29:36.839
apart? Josh Brolin and Megan Fox? Yeah. He was

00:29:36.839 --> 00:29:39.539
24 and did we ever actually... He was probably

00:29:39.539 --> 00:29:40.859
in his mid -30s, I don't know. I'm guessing.

00:29:41.299 --> 00:29:44.460
Alright, I'm on it. I'm on it. So she gets kidnapped

00:29:44.460 --> 00:29:49.009
by JMT's gang. She's on the boat. Because they

00:29:49.009 --> 00:29:52.910
need to hit Jonah where it hurts. Oh no. He was

00:29:52.910 --> 00:29:58.250
born in 1968. She was born in 86. Yes. That's

00:29:58.250 --> 00:30:01.529
an inverse. That's 18 years apart, right? Wait.

00:30:01.869 --> 00:30:06.609
1986 minus 1968 is 18 years. 18 years, yeah.

00:30:06.890 --> 00:30:14.109
Okay, so 1968. Or wait, no. 2009, really. 2009

00:30:14.109 --> 00:30:22.690
minus 1968. 41. And she was 24? Is that what

00:30:22.690 --> 00:30:28.049
we said? That's rough. I don't like that. Half

00:30:28.049 --> 00:30:30.789
your age plus 7 is the rule, man. Half your age

00:30:30.789 --> 00:30:33.190
plus 7. You know, it was the 1870s. So 41, you

00:30:33.190 --> 00:30:38.029
round up to 42. 21 plus 7. But he was a grandpa

00:30:38.029 --> 00:30:41.369
at that point. That makes it worse. They would

00:30:41.369 --> 00:30:43.910
have gotten married at 12. He was a grandpa at

00:30:43.910 --> 00:30:52.329
that point. Oh, no. Movie logic is movie bad.

00:30:52.730 --> 00:30:58.930
Yep. Oh, God. We also canonically don't know

00:30:58.930 --> 00:31:00.869
how old of a character she's supposed to be.

00:31:00.970 --> 00:31:03.990
Yeah, right. She could have been a seven -year

00:31:03.990 --> 00:31:07.349
-old whore. No, I mean, she was like 18. No.

00:31:08.289 --> 00:31:11.410
They started early. Not in this type of movie.

00:31:11.750 --> 00:31:15.839
At worst, she was probably 14. Jesus Christ,

00:31:15.920 --> 00:31:17.859
she's not playing a 14 -year -old character.

00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:19.900
No, I don't think so either. But I'm just saying.

00:31:19.900 --> 00:31:22.480
Nobody's saying that. I'm just saying, though.

00:31:22.700 --> 00:31:25.059
You want to know what really stuck with me? How

00:31:25.059 --> 00:31:28.380
much DC has stolen the logo that Marvel uses.

00:31:28.460 --> 00:31:33.000
Let's talk about that. Did they steal it, or

00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:35.000
did Marvel steal it after? I don't know. They

00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:37.319
both do the same thing. They pan out to show

00:31:37.319 --> 00:31:40.079
the logo, and on the pan out, they do scenes

00:31:40.079 --> 00:31:42.119
of the comic books. And of course, Marvel now

00:31:42.119 --> 00:31:44.880
does... the actual scenes from the movies, but

00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:46.859
it was very distracting and I don't want to talk

00:31:46.859 --> 00:31:50.619
about the former topic anymore. Fair. So she

00:31:50.619 --> 00:31:54.660
was 14. No, she was 15. This is not a Romeo and

00:31:54.660 --> 00:32:00.519
Cowboy, no, Juliet and Cowboy situation. Yeah.

00:32:01.420 --> 00:32:04.180
Oh, so anyway, so Michael Fassbender somehow

00:32:04.180 --> 00:32:07.319
finds Megan Fox for no reason whatsoever. No,

00:32:07.339 --> 00:32:09.099
they want to find something that he loves. Yeah,

00:32:09.119 --> 00:32:11.839
yeah, yeah. So John Malkovich Turnbull says,

00:32:12.359 --> 00:32:14.980
Like, oh, like, oh, we gotta find something that

00:32:14.980 --> 00:32:18.680
Jonah Hex loves. And go track them down. And

00:32:18.680 --> 00:32:22.220
he's like, okay, I'll figure it out. And then

00:32:22.220 --> 00:32:25.220
the next scene is him just walking into the brothel

00:32:25.220 --> 00:32:27.440
and finding Megan Fox. And it's like, how did

00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:29.940
you find this person? Like, there was no exposition

00:32:29.940 --> 00:32:32.859
of, oh, I've heard that he always goes to this

00:32:32.859 --> 00:32:34.980
brothel every month or something like that. Not

00:32:34.980 --> 00:32:38.420
even a throwaway line of like, oh, this is how

00:32:38.420 --> 00:32:41.769
I know where he is. But, uh, yeah. They kidnap

00:32:41.769 --> 00:32:45.289
Megan Fox. Then she's on the boat. And then he

00:32:45.289 --> 00:32:46.650
gets on the boat. And then he gets on the boat

00:32:46.650 --> 00:32:48.009
somehow through mysterious ways. He also has

00:32:48.009 --> 00:32:50.460
some really unconventionally... Stupid weapons.

00:32:50.680 --> 00:32:55.460
Yeah, that's true. We skipped over Smith. Blacksmith,

00:32:55.559 --> 00:32:58.019
sorry. We talked briefly about Blacksmith. Blacksmith.

00:32:58.119 --> 00:33:04.740
But he outfits Jonah Hex with all these unconventional

00:33:04.740 --> 00:33:08.039
weapons. Crossbows that shoot dynamite. The age

00:33:08.039 --> 00:33:13.339
of consent was 16. Oh, great. Wow. So crossbows,

00:33:13.420 --> 00:33:17.000
but instead of arrows, it's dynamite. Yeah, specialty

00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:19.019
guns that we drink for. Specialty guns, yeah.

00:33:20.099 --> 00:33:23.279
Some machete guns. They don't add anything to

00:33:23.279 --> 00:33:25.819
the action scenes at all, really. Just explosions

00:33:25.819 --> 00:33:28.240
and drinking. It just made me think of the sequence

00:33:28.240 --> 00:33:31.240
from Van Helsing where he's the Gatling crossbow.

00:33:31.380 --> 00:33:33.440
Sure, yeah. And then I just wanted to watch Van

00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:35.339
Helsing. Yeah, right. This movie makes you want

00:33:35.339 --> 00:33:37.880
to just rather watch Van Helsing. There's...

00:33:37.880 --> 00:33:41.660
You say that like it's a problem. No. There's

00:33:41.660 --> 00:33:43.819
20 movies that we could have thought of that

00:33:43.819 --> 00:33:47.039
we would rather have watched that have this motif.

00:33:48.059 --> 00:33:50.779
Shanghai Noon is one that I thought of, and I'm

00:33:50.779 --> 00:33:52.819
like, I love Shanghai Noon. I would rather watch

00:33:52.819 --> 00:33:57.200
Shanghai Noon. No? No, I would, sure. I haven't

00:33:57.200 --> 00:34:00.759
seen it. Oh. You haven't seen Rush Hour? You

00:34:00.759 --> 00:34:02.200
haven't seen Shanghai Noon? What do you have

00:34:02.200 --> 00:34:04.980
against Jackie Chan? I watched the Jackie Chan

00:34:04.980 --> 00:34:08.440
Chronicles. The Adventures of Jackie Chan. The

00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:11.639
cartoon series. What about the tuxedo? I remember

00:34:11.639 --> 00:34:13.679
this. Dude, the tuxedo is like way low. Accidental

00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:16.719
spy? I've seen Around the World in 80 Days. Okay.

00:34:17.760 --> 00:34:22.280
What about the medallion? Nope. Ooh. Hmm. We

00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:26.500
got Drunken Monkey? Nope. Can we stay on topic?

00:34:26.760 --> 00:34:30.300
We are on topic. Jackie Chan. I would rather

00:34:30.300 --> 00:34:32.619
be watching Jackie Chan movies than this. I would

00:34:32.619 --> 00:34:34.199
love to watch every Jackie Chan movie. You know

00:34:34.199 --> 00:34:35.820
what? This Western could have used some kung

00:34:35.820 --> 00:34:38.539
fu. I would have loved it. I mean, some more

00:34:38.539 --> 00:34:41.159
Fisty Cuff, sure. This is why you need to see

00:34:41.159 --> 00:34:43.059
Shanghai Noon. Literally, Jackie Chan is in it.

00:34:43.260 --> 00:34:46.699
Is that the one with Owen Wilson? Yes. Shanghai

00:34:46.699 --> 00:34:49.199
Noon and Shanghai Nights. I think I've seen Shanghai

00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:51.559
Nights. My 10th birthday, we went to Shanghai

00:34:51.559 --> 00:34:55.079
Nights. That was my birthday. That's how much

00:34:55.079 --> 00:34:57.400
I love movies. I think I've seen Shanghai Nights

00:34:57.400 --> 00:34:59.619
because I remember them being in London. There's

00:34:59.619 --> 00:35:01.480
a coronation. Charlie Chaplin. Line of succession.

00:35:02.399 --> 00:35:04.179
Yeah. I don't remember Charlie Chaplin, but I

00:35:04.179 --> 00:35:06.199
remember. Oh, the kid. The kid. He's Charlie

00:35:06.199 --> 00:35:08.300
Chaplin. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I remember that part.

00:35:08.400 --> 00:35:10.139
Spoilers for Shanghai Nights. I don't think I

00:35:10.139 --> 00:35:12.699
knew there was a Shanghai Noon. There is a Shanghai

00:35:12.699 --> 00:35:14.800
Noon. Well, now I know. Yep. It's very good.

00:35:15.099 --> 00:35:17.179
Very good. It's better than Shanghai Nights,

00:35:17.179 --> 00:35:18.539
even though Shanghai Nights is great. Do you

00:35:18.539 --> 00:35:20.760
need another beer? No. I'm still working on this

00:35:20.760 --> 00:35:22.099
guy. I'm still trying to find the words on that

00:35:22.099 --> 00:35:23.579
beer. I'm just trying to find the words and trying

00:35:23.579 --> 00:35:25.079
to find the meaning in this movie because it

00:35:25.079 --> 00:35:26.960
was fucking awful. Yeah, so the grand finale

00:35:26.960 --> 00:35:29.409
on the boat. Well, no, no, no. We'll give you

00:35:29.409 --> 00:35:31.130
the time to find your words. Okay, great. Because

00:35:31.130 --> 00:35:33.690
we have to take a break. Okay. First, we've got

00:35:33.690 --> 00:35:37.329
to give a shout -out to our friends at TheyCalledThisAMovie.

00:35:37.989 --> 00:35:41.650
Their Twitter handle is at T -C -T -A -M pod.

00:35:42.429 --> 00:35:44.369
Basically, they are testing the strength of friendships

00:35:44.369 --> 00:35:46.550
one terrible movie at a time, so they are a lot

00:35:46.550 --> 00:35:49.630
like us. Here's their promo for guessing Jonah

00:35:49.630 --> 00:35:52.550
Hex is our bad movie. Are you tired of watching

00:35:52.550 --> 00:35:55.150
the same old awesome movies? Are B -movies more

00:35:55.150 --> 00:35:57.389
your style? Then the folks over at They Call

00:35:57.389 --> 00:35:59.469
This a Movie have you covered. Join us every

00:35:59.469 --> 00:36:01.309
Thursday as we review the worst of the worst

00:36:01.309 --> 00:36:04.289
in sci -fi, action, comedy, and more. We are

00:36:04.289 --> 00:36:07.250
available on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Podbean

00:36:07.250 --> 00:36:10.349
at theycallthisamovie .podbean .com. They Call

00:36:10.349 --> 00:36:12.510
This a Movie, testing the strength of friendships,

00:36:12.710 --> 00:36:21.190
one terrible movie at a time. And we're back.

00:36:21.579 --> 00:36:24.300
We need to talk about this because we had a startling

00:36:24.300 --> 00:36:27.360
realization during the break about dead things

00:36:27.360 --> 00:36:31.199
and Jonah Hex reanimating them. So why did they

00:36:31.199 --> 00:36:33.079
explain that rule? So at the beginning, the first

00:36:33.079 --> 00:36:37.280
time we talked to... A dead person. A dead person.

00:36:37.460 --> 00:36:41.099
Did you say Jonah Jameson? Jonah Jameson revives

00:36:41.099 --> 00:36:45.829
one of... J. Jonah Hexason. Yeah. Like, revives

00:36:45.829 --> 00:36:48.630
a soldier that they were interrogating? Yes.

00:36:48.650 --> 00:36:52.929
That died. That died. Lieutenant Grass. Lieutenant

00:36:52.929 --> 00:36:55.170
Grass. And he, like, literally was like, oh,

00:36:55.349 --> 00:36:58.070
we were talking to that guy. But he's dead now.

00:36:58.070 --> 00:37:00.769
But he's dead. And it's just like, what? Like,

00:37:00.809 --> 00:37:02.849
why would you embrace him like that? Yeah, yeah,

00:37:02.889 --> 00:37:04.889
right, right. He's like, okay, I'll take care

00:37:04.889 --> 00:37:06.670
of it. And then he walks over and then revives

00:37:06.670 --> 00:37:08.230
him. And then they're like, what are you doing?

00:37:08.230 --> 00:37:10.769
Your Jonah Hex impersonation? Yeah. Almost spot

00:37:10.769 --> 00:37:13.570
on. Thank you. A few things, a few notes. Yeah,

00:37:13.590 --> 00:37:16.550
a few notes. Never do it again. But he's like,

00:37:16.630 --> 00:37:19.989
he grabs a pile, he grabs a fistful of dirt.

00:37:20.289 --> 00:37:21.889
No, he wakes up the guy first. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:21.989 --> 00:37:24.449
And then he's like, oh God, it burns. He's like,

00:37:24.570 --> 00:37:27.650
yeah, the longer I keep you alive, the more it

00:37:27.650 --> 00:37:29.570
burns. The body doesn't like it. Yeah, exactly.

00:37:30.320 --> 00:37:32.179
And he's like, make it stop, blah. And he gives

00:37:32.179 --> 00:37:33.960
him a nugget of information that he wants. He's

00:37:33.960 --> 00:37:35.699
like, all right. And then he picks up a little

00:37:35.699 --> 00:37:38.119
fistful of dirt and sprinkles on top of him.

00:37:38.159 --> 00:37:40.920
And he's like, bodies love dirt. Dead love dirt

00:37:40.920 --> 00:37:43.840
and dirt loves dead or something like that. I

00:37:43.840 --> 00:37:46.099
told you, stop doing your impersonation. It's

00:37:46.099 --> 00:37:49.800
all I have left now. And it's just like, oh,

00:37:49.820 --> 00:37:52.000
okay, that's the rule. Don't you remember when

00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:54.019
we played D &D and we stopped you from accents?

00:37:54.480 --> 00:37:57.639
Because everyone was from Brooklyn. Except Jonah

00:37:57.639 --> 00:38:01.610
Hex. Except Jonah Hex. All right. Yes, they sprinkled

00:38:01.610 --> 00:38:03.610
the dirt on the body. But that never comes up

00:38:03.610 --> 00:38:05.909
again. That's literally in the first 20 minutes

00:38:05.909 --> 00:38:09.929
of the film, and he never had to do it. Which

00:38:09.929 --> 00:38:12.769
is still just so bizarre to me that this was

00:38:12.769 --> 00:38:15.309
a made -up power for the movie. Right. I don't

00:38:15.309 --> 00:38:17.170
get that. But the two other times he used it

00:38:17.170 --> 00:38:20.630
was on Jeb Dean Morgan. He's been dead for a

00:38:20.630 --> 00:38:22.769
while. Jeb Dean Morgan, who's been dead for a

00:38:22.769 --> 00:38:25.110
while, so it doesn't burn him as much. But he

00:38:25.110 --> 00:38:29.059
has been watching, because as the bodies... You

00:38:29.059 --> 00:38:31.340
can watch the people you came in contact with

00:38:31.340 --> 00:38:34.340
in life. So he's been watching Jonah. He's been

00:38:34.340 --> 00:38:36.800
watching his dad. And he's like, you two are

00:38:36.800 --> 00:38:38.820
almost similar. You're killing... Yeah, you're

00:38:38.820 --> 00:38:40.860
the same. You're two sides of the same coin.

00:38:42.079 --> 00:38:44.340
This says a lot like Jonah. They're hypocrites

00:38:44.340 --> 00:38:47.719
on all sides. Hypocrites on all sides. But they're

00:38:47.719 --> 00:38:50.800
the same and everything like that. So he starts

00:38:50.800 --> 00:38:53.320
to burn after a long time. And he's like, I guess

00:38:53.320 --> 00:38:56.969
I best be going to the dirt. Our best go back

00:38:56.969 --> 00:39:03.070
underground. And then the third time is with

00:39:03.070 --> 00:39:05.190
Michael Fassbender. Michael Fassbender! Spoilers!

00:39:05.190 --> 00:39:07.230
He kills Michael Fassbender and then he brings

00:39:07.230 --> 00:39:10.230
him back just so he can kill him again. This

00:39:10.230 --> 00:39:12.230
is actually my favorite part of the movie. It

00:39:12.230 --> 00:39:15.809
actually is. Besides the crappy thing they did.

00:39:16.210 --> 00:39:20.449
He holds Michael Fassbender against a blade.

00:39:20.730 --> 00:39:24.429
A propeller that's spinning. And goes, this is

00:39:24.429 --> 00:39:26.590
for my wife. Throws him against the propeller.

00:39:26.650 --> 00:39:29.090
He's dead. And you think his head would be cut

00:39:29.090 --> 00:39:31.250
off. His head would definitely be cut off. But

00:39:31.250 --> 00:39:34.889
instead he just slit his throat artfully? I don't

00:39:34.889 --> 00:39:36.590
even know. No, it's the back of his head is like

00:39:36.590 --> 00:39:38.210
bleeding. Oh, I thought it was his throat. It

00:39:38.210 --> 00:39:39.710
was hard to see because it was so dark. No, the

00:39:39.710 --> 00:39:41.590
back of his head is bleeding. Because it was

00:39:41.590 --> 00:39:43.809
like a big blood splatter behind his head. Okay,

00:39:43.849 --> 00:39:46.699
so they... decap, de -skulled him. De -skulled

00:39:46.699 --> 00:39:49.019
him, I guess. He's scalped him. Yeah, he's bleeding

00:39:49.019 --> 00:39:51.340
out from the back, I guess. I don't know. I didn't

00:39:51.340 --> 00:39:53.420
have as much problem with it except for the fact

00:39:53.420 --> 00:39:56.119
they fully put him in so his head probably would

00:39:56.119 --> 00:39:59.440
be gone. Yeah. But I was okay with the cut off

00:39:59.440 --> 00:40:02.059
the head. So he's dead. He brings him back to

00:40:02.059 --> 00:40:05.199
life and goes, and this is for my son and burns

00:40:05.199 --> 00:40:09.519
him so his corpse is just like ash. I like that.

00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:11.900
I thought that was good. It was, it was, you

00:40:11.900 --> 00:40:13.739
know. Sad to see the character go because he

00:40:13.739 --> 00:40:15.380
was so entertaining to watch. He was the best

00:40:15.380 --> 00:40:18.880
one. He died too early. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because

00:40:18.880 --> 00:40:22.119
we still had 20 minutes of confusing. 15 -ish

00:40:22.119 --> 00:40:25.000
minutes, yeah. I don't know. We fast forward

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:28.039
through the end credits. Yeah. But yeah, Michael

00:40:28.039 --> 00:40:29.880
Fassbender dies, so now it's a showdown between

00:40:29.880 --> 00:40:33.059
John Malkovich Trumbull and Joda Hex and Megan

00:40:33.059 --> 00:40:35.219
Fox is there. Trumbull. Trumbull. Not Trumbull.

00:40:35.460 --> 00:40:39.280
Trumbull. Trumbull is just a city in Connecticut

00:40:39.280 --> 00:40:42.320
and a street in Connecticut. Yep. Turn Hartford.

00:40:42.480 --> 00:40:45.340
Turn Hartford. Yep. John Malkovich turn bowl.

00:40:45.539 --> 00:40:48.699
Turn bowl. You don't have to have it out. That

00:40:48.699 --> 00:40:51.920
bowl needs to turn. Yep. Megan Fox is there too.

00:40:52.039 --> 00:40:55.380
She gets out of her handcuffs. Yes. Because whore.

00:40:55.699 --> 00:40:59.639
Yes. Because her mama raised no fool. Tallulah

00:40:59.639 --> 00:41:03.989
Black's mama raised no fool. Tallulah. Yeah,

00:41:04.130 --> 00:41:06.949
and then they have at it, and then they fall

00:41:06.949 --> 00:41:09.630
in a hole on the ship, which is where the Dragon

00:41:09.630 --> 00:41:11.869
Balls are being fired out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:11.889 --> 00:41:13.690
That's why it's powered by Dragon Balls. But

00:41:13.690 --> 00:41:16.190
what gets a little confusing is that we kept

00:41:16.190 --> 00:41:18.610
kind of jumping back between what's going on

00:41:18.610 --> 00:41:20.849
with Megan Fox's character and her, you know,

00:41:20.849 --> 00:41:23.230
a little scramble with a guy. Then we have...

00:41:23.500 --> 00:41:26.539
John Malkovich Turnbull and Jonah Hex fighting

00:41:26.539 --> 00:41:29.500
in the real world. And then we have the metaphorical

00:41:29.500 --> 00:41:31.900
fight. Astral plane, as we're calling it. Astral

00:41:31.900 --> 00:41:36.139
plane of Jonah Hex fighting his revenge, vengeance,

00:41:36.500 --> 00:41:39.460
avatar. Unfinished business. Unfinished business

00:41:39.460 --> 00:41:43.659
that takes the form of Turnbull as well. And

00:41:43.659 --> 00:41:48.639
it's very hectic. Yep. Yep. I don't know. Yeah.

00:41:48.739 --> 00:41:50.800
No, it was very confusing because you're switching

00:41:50.800 --> 00:41:54.280
between real life, fake life. of both of those

00:41:54.280 --> 00:41:56.860
fights. And it's not shot well at all. You're

00:41:56.860 --> 00:41:58.960
not following the through line of this fight

00:41:58.960 --> 00:42:02.320
at all. People have done the, oh, they're fighting,

00:42:02.420 --> 00:42:04.099
they're fighting, they're stuck in their problems,

00:42:04.340 --> 00:42:08.659
back, forth, that kind of thing. But this one

00:42:08.659 --> 00:42:11.199
is just... Throwing in a third fight, which is

00:42:11.199 --> 00:42:13.579
basically the same as the first fight, but in

00:42:13.579 --> 00:42:17.699
a different setting is questionable. Well, and

00:42:17.699 --> 00:42:22.219
even when he got the upper hand, the... So Megan

00:42:22.219 --> 00:42:27.699
Fox has an axe and it falls into the hull where

00:42:27.699 --> 00:42:31.860
Jonah Hex and John Malkovich Turnbull are fighting.

00:42:32.360 --> 00:42:35.139
And he's able to grab the axe and get the upper

00:42:35.139 --> 00:42:38.380
hand. But then his astral plane self is still

00:42:38.380 --> 00:42:41.079
fighting. He's not almost dead anymore because

00:42:41.079 --> 00:42:44.380
he's still fighting now. He's overcoming his

00:42:44.380 --> 00:42:46.500
vengeance because then he kicks his vengeance's

00:42:46.500 --> 00:42:49.269
ass. Yeah, right. And so I don't understand why

00:42:49.269 --> 00:42:51.090
they still had those fights going on. And really,

00:42:51.190 --> 00:42:54.329
by the time he would have put John Malkovich

00:42:54.329 --> 00:42:58.030
Turnbull in the mechanism where he had him held

00:42:58.030 --> 00:43:02.269
and get back up to the top of the ship. So they

00:43:02.269 --> 00:43:04.369
can do a running jump. So they can do a running

00:43:04.369 --> 00:43:07.210
jump from exploding ship. Megan Fox would be

00:43:07.210 --> 00:43:09.809
dead. The guy's stepping on her throat. Yeah,

00:43:09.809 --> 00:43:13.210
he's like choking on her. Yeah, like she's running

00:43:13.210 --> 00:43:16.530
out of air real quick. Yeah, basically. I don't

00:43:16.530 --> 00:43:18.309
know. And you want to know what I want to know?

00:43:18.369 --> 00:43:20.429
There's another unresolved thing. What was the

00:43:20.429 --> 00:43:22.849
point of the solo casket? What was in the box?

00:43:24.110 --> 00:43:26.590
That was his vengeance. Oh, okay. We never saw

00:43:26.590 --> 00:43:28.769
his vengeance get out of the casket. No, but

00:43:28.769 --> 00:43:31.989
Turnbull went in or something, right? No. No.

00:43:32.469 --> 00:43:35.110
He was never dead. Because that was in the, yeah,

00:43:35.190 --> 00:43:37.889
right. Oh, maybe that's his casket. Yeah. Because

00:43:37.889 --> 00:43:41.659
it was unresolved. Because... He keeps outrunning

00:43:41.659 --> 00:43:43.480
death. Yeah, he keeps outrunning death. Jonah

00:43:43.480 --> 00:43:48.860
Hex not Turnbull. Yes. Uh -huh. Yeah. And really,

00:43:49.059 --> 00:43:50.840
just talking about this... The fact that he didn't

00:43:50.840 --> 00:43:52.500
bring it up again is not because they totally

00:43:52.500 --> 00:43:55.119
forgot about it, but it's because Jonah Hex lives

00:43:55.119 --> 00:43:58.960
another day, Joe. For the sequel. Let me tell

00:43:58.960 --> 00:44:01.719
you right now. I just put that together now as

00:44:01.719 --> 00:44:04.460
we're talking it through. Yeah. Not, I was thinking

00:44:04.460 --> 00:44:06.280
this during the movie. There's layers to this

00:44:06.280 --> 00:44:10.670
movie, guys. It's a... Onion ogre. Yes. This

00:44:10.670 --> 00:44:13.349
movie is an ogre. This movie is... Guess what?

00:44:13.349 --> 00:44:15.670
It has a happy ending that doesn't quite sequel

00:44:15.670 --> 00:44:17.510
bait, but they left the door open. They left

00:44:17.510 --> 00:44:20.489
the door open. Very weirdly, like, honestly,

00:44:20.650 --> 00:44:22.550
like, you can definitely tell it was all, like,

00:44:22.630 --> 00:44:25.230
very... I don't even want to call it reshoots,

00:44:25.230 --> 00:44:27.650
but, like... 60 pages of reshoots shot over the

00:44:27.650 --> 00:44:30.110
course of 12 days. Wow. Okay, so that was definitely

00:44:30.110 --> 00:44:32.889
part of it because, like, they're at the Capitol

00:44:32.889 --> 00:44:35.880
and it just looks like... it's it's like a 30

00:44:35.880 --> 00:44:38.260
second scene and like the green screen looks

00:44:38.260 --> 00:44:40.340
awful it's terrible like though like they they

00:44:40.340 --> 00:44:42.300
tried they have like the washington monument

00:44:42.300 --> 00:44:45.820
in the skyline and it just looks very very bad

00:44:45.820 --> 00:44:47.760
they're building the washington monument oh they're

00:44:47.760 --> 00:44:49.780
building it okay yeah i was just like wait they

00:44:49.780 --> 00:44:51.780
had the washington oh i got it yeah yeah yeah

00:44:51.780 --> 00:44:54.239
like in the skyline or whatever i got you now

00:44:54.239 --> 00:44:56.400
but it looks so unnatural it's like wow like

00:44:56.400 --> 00:44:59.889
okay clearly like What? Like, what is this? Also,

00:44:59.909 --> 00:45:02.429
President Grant offers him the role of Sheriff

00:45:02.429 --> 00:45:06.269
of America. Yes, that's right. Captain America.

00:45:06.650 --> 00:45:09.170
Could have been Jonah Hex this whole time. You

00:45:09.170 --> 00:45:10.190
know who would have taken the role of Sheriff

00:45:10.190 --> 00:45:12.469
of the United States? Benjamin Franklin Gates.

00:45:14.369 --> 00:45:18.230
Nicolas Cage. Yeah, I know. Let that one sink

00:45:18.230 --> 00:45:22.949
in. I can just imagine Nicolas Cage telling President

00:45:22.949 --> 00:45:26.070
Grant it's an honor to serve the United States

00:45:26.070 --> 00:45:28.829
of America. Yeah, it writes itself. Yeah. Just

00:45:28.829 --> 00:45:30.909
give Benjamin Franklin Gates a time machine,

00:45:31.110 --> 00:45:34.210
send him back in time, redo Jonah Hex, no speaking

00:45:34.210 --> 00:45:36.630
to dead people, unless we want a weird Ghost

00:45:36.630 --> 00:45:39.250
Rider thing. Ooh. We'll have it in National Treasure

00:45:39.250 --> 00:45:42.789
3. Yeah, let's go. America's Next. All right,

00:45:42.809 --> 00:45:45.289
you brought up Ghost Rider. We did say Ghost

00:45:45.289 --> 00:45:47.250
Rider was better than this movie. Yeah. Yeah,

00:45:47.349 --> 00:45:51.610
it's not. The second one is worse than this.

00:45:52.059 --> 00:45:54.119
movie. I think the second one's better than this

00:45:54.119 --> 00:45:56.179
movie. I've only seen it once and I've basically

00:45:56.179 --> 00:45:57.539
I've never seen the second one so I don't know.

00:45:57.679 --> 00:46:00.780
I have seen the second one. It's not good. Is

00:46:00.780 --> 00:46:03.139
that our measure now for like badness landmarks

00:46:03.139 --> 00:46:06.739
is like does it out bad Ghost Rider 2? It might

00:46:06.739 --> 00:46:08.460
be. That's a good goal post. I mean it definitely

00:46:08.460 --> 00:46:11.239
doesn't out bad Yoga Hosers for me. I've never

00:46:11.239 --> 00:46:13.320
seen Yoga Hosers. I know but for me it doesn't.

00:46:14.480 --> 00:46:19.039
That's my benchmark. What's your benchmark? Like,

00:46:19.099 --> 00:46:22.400
what makes a bad movie? No, what's your measure

00:46:22.400 --> 00:46:27.579
of is worse than X? I don't know. That's tough.

00:46:28.179 --> 00:46:32.699
Is it worse than The Humanity Bureau? Is that

00:46:32.699 --> 00:46:36.400
your worst movie? No, it's not. But like, I had

00:46:36.400 --> 00:46:38.199
fun with Humanity Bureau, but that's probably

00:46:38.199 --> 00:46:40.360
the worst fun movie I've had. You know what I

00:46:40.360 --> 00:46:42.940
mean? You know what I'm saying? Well, so... It's

00:46:42.940 --> 00:46:44.840
the worst than Killer Sofa. Killer Sofa is probably

00:46:44.840 --> 00:46:46.800
my favorite bad movie I've watched for this show.

00:46:46.800 --> 00:46:49.539
I was about to come to bat for Killer Sofa. You

00:46:49.539 --> 00:46:51.199
know, is what I'm saying, right? My favorite

00:46:51.199 --> 00:46:53.300
bad movie is probably Edison, and I think Edison

00:46:53.300 --> 00:46:55.940
was more fun. Okay. Yeah. And there you go. Yeah.

00:46:56.000 --> 00:46:58.579
It used to be Fantasy Island, the remake. This

00:46:58.579 --> 00:47:01.860
movie was better than Speed 2. Okay. Speed 2

00:47:01.860 --> 00:47:05.980
is... Yes, V2 seemed pretty dismal. This is just

00:47:05.980 --> 00:47:09.679
boring and very cliche. Very clumsy. You know

00:47:09.679 --> 00:47:11.699
what I mean? At the end of the day, we can make

00:47:11.699 --> 00:47:14.739
fun of this movie all we want. It's just paint

00:47:14.739 --> 00:47:17.539
by numbers. Paint by numbers and not really great

00:47:17.539 --> 00:47:19.139
at painting those numbers. You know what I mean?

00:47:19.280 --> 00:47:21.920
You can still read the numbers, but they're a

00:47:21.920 --> 00:47:25.360
little... But they gave him superpowers is enough.

00:47:25.539 --> 00:47:30.019
Yeah. Very bizarre. Yep. I've got two more IMDb

00:47:30.019 --> 00:47:32.179
facts that I really want to share. Share. So

00:47:32.179 --> 00:47:33.679
I'll share this one before we give our ratings,

00:47:33.800 --> 00:47:35.599
and then I'll tell you the other one after. So

00:47:35.599 --> 00:47:38.179
the director, throughout the shooting, wore a

00:47:38.179 --> 00:47:43.179
stylized cowboy hat. I'm sorry, did you say cowboy?

00:47:43.760 --> 00:47:47.219
This is cowboy. He is a cowboy. Bye. It was a

00:47:47.219 --> 00:47:49.639
cowboy movie. He's not a cowboy. He's a cowboy.

00:47:50.460 --> 00:47:53.360
The director thinks he is, apparently. Yes! Yeehaw.

00:47:53.420 --> 00:47:56.000
That probably is the reason why I failed. Because

00:47:56.000 --> 00:48:00.840
he wore that stupid hat? Also true. I was thinking

00:48:00.840 --> 00:48:02.699
because he doesn't understand the character and

00:48:02.699 --> 00:48:05.219
thinks he's a cowboy, not a Civil War soldier

00:48:05.219 --> 00:48:08.139
that has basically turned on the United States

00:48:08.139 --> 00:48:09.780
because he doesn't like to be told what to do.

00:48:09.960 --> 00:48:12.900
Mm -hmm. Grizzled. Grizzled. Yes. All right.

00:48:12.940 --> 00:48:16.860
So that was fact one. Fact two. No? Radiance

00:48:16.860 --> 00:48:18.559
first? Yeah, Radiance first. Radiance first.

00:48:18.659 --> 00:48:23.559
Okay. Ratings? I mean, I would give this just

00:48:23.559 --> 00:48:33.199
a .32. That's really low. Because it was boring,

00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:37.059
you know what I mean? Ah, boring, but no. There

00:48:37.059 --> 00:48:38.880
were some parts where I was like, this is just

00:48:38.880 --> 00:48:46.320
ridiculous. .32 inexplicable resurrections out

00:48:46.320 --> 00:48:50.340
of five. Okay. I'll give it the one. I was going

00:48:50.340 --> 00:48:51.980
to say the Mitchell Zero. I'm like, no, it's

00:48:51.980 --> 00:48:55.019
better than they made a movie. No, it's not better

00:48:55.019 --> 00:48:56.619
than they made a movie. This is a Mitchell Zero.

00:48:56.900 --> 00:49:01.199
In my opinion. But whatever, you're rating. You

00:49:01.199 --> 00:49:03.199
don't have to judge anymore. Mitchell's gone.

00:49:04.559 --> 00:49:07.820
Here's the chair at the table. It's pushed in.

00:49:08.559 --> 00:49:10.440
I guess for me, it's like they made a movie.

00:49:11.880 --> 00:49:14.900
My brain goes to like, it's a talking cat, exclamation

00:49:14.900 --> 00:49:18.949
mark, question point. I guess, yeah. It's a talking

00:49:18.949 --> 00:49:23.630
cat. It's a talking stupid cat. I give this a

00:49:23.630 --> 00:49:27.489
one. Okay. Mostly for Michael Fassbender pulling

00:49:27.489 --> 00:49:31.210
it up with his knives and Irish accent. He did

00:49:31.210 --> 00:49:33.570
the best he could. So I'll give it a one out

00:49:33.570 --> 00:49:38.750
of Dual Gatling Guns. Ooh, okay. Why didn't he

00:49:38.750 --> 00:49:40.030
use those Dual Gatling Guns anymore in the movie?

00:49:40.030 --> 00:49:41.989
They only showed up once. I know, what a waste.

00:49:42.630 --> 00:49:49.230
Yeah. Yeah, I... Yeah. What a waste. Okay, so

00:49:49.230 --> 00:49:53.250
I guess that leaves me. I want to give it higher

00:49:53.250 --> 00:49:55.949
because of the fast bend, but I want to give

00:49:55.949 --> 00:50:00.889
it lower because of the movie. That's why it's

00:50:00.889 --> 00:50:09.829
a one for me. I am sitting at a .25. Yes. .25

00:50:09.829 --> 00:50:15.519
hours of a dog sitting in makeup. Okay. That

00:50:15.519 --> 00:50:17.699
was another trivia fact. The dog had to sit in

00:50:17.699 --> 00:50:21.039
a chair for an hour to get done up to look mangy.

00:50:21.380 --> 00:50:23.800
So the other fun fact that I had was instead

00:50:23.800 --> 00:50:26.679
of Josh Brolin, maybe this movie would have been

00:50:26.679 --> 00:50:30.280
better if it had Matthew McConaughey. Oh no.

00:50:30.500 --> 00:50:33.780
Nope. And this is absolute horrible casting in

00:50:33.780 --> 00:50:37.840
my opinion. Emile Hirsch. Yeah. No. Honestly,

00:50:38.719 --> 00:50:42.880
out of all three of those, Josh Brolin is the

00:50:42.880 --> 00:50:47.659
best choice. Or they go Woody Harrelson. Woody

00:50:47.659 --> 00:50:49.250
would have had fun with it. Woody would have

00:50:49.250 --> 00:50:50.849
had fun with it, but I don't know if this is

00:50:50.849 --> 00:50:52.230
a fun character. No, that's the thing. Is that

00:50:52.230 --> 00:50:53.670
like, is that like when you look at that, when

00:50:53.670 --> 00:50:56.269
you, when you give me the, when you give me the,

00:50:56.409 --> 00:50:59.329
the, the, when you give me the back of the box

00:50:59.329 --> 00:51:02.030
summary. See, I would have rather had Woody Harrelson

00:51:02.030 --> 00:51:05.829
as John Malkovich. Yes. I 100 % agree. Yes. Yes.

00:51:05.909 --> 00:51:07.769
Get him as the villain for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

00:51:08.860 --> 00:51:09.820
He would have had more fun with it. If you give

00:51:09.820 --> 00:51:13.019
me the back box DVD summary, I don't think Josh

00:51:13.019 --> 00:51:15.079
Brolin is a miscast for this. You know, like

00:51:15.079 --> 00:51:17.780
I think he did well with it or whatever. Josh

00:51:17.780 --> 00:51:19.500
Brolin did the best he could with this. Exactly,

00:51:19.619 --> 00:51:21.360
right. Like, I don't think he was the problem.

00:51:21.880 --> 00:51:24.880
Really, like, I'm trying to think who would be

00:51:24.880 --> 00:51:28.219
recast. Megan Fox was fine. Megan Fox was fine

00:51:28.219 --> 00:51:31.059
for the point. Sure, but like... Michael Fassbender

00:51:31.059 --> 00:51:33.539
had fun. Malkovich is the only one that I'm,

00:51:33.599 --> 00:51:35.260
like, sitting here going, okay, I could have

00:51:35.260 --> 00:51:37.440
found somebody better, but just because I think

00:51:37.440 --> 00:51:39.340
he's bored. Because he's bored, exactly. I was

00:51:39.340 --> 00:51:41.920
like, oh, John Hogwarts. With a better script?

00:51:42.119 --> 00:51:44.699
I think Malkovich would have had more fun. Yes.

00:51:44.760 --> 00:51:48.239
Sure. And so I could see Malkovich in a good

00:51:48.239 --> 00:51:51.039
movie. The cast is the best part of this movie,

00:51:51.159 --> 00:51:52.800
like, just straight up. I'm going to go on Kenneth

00:51:52.800 --> 00:51:55.539
Branagh's character from Wild Wild West. Yeah,

00:51:55.639 --> 00:51:58.019
right. Basically. That was another movie I wanted

00:51:58.019 --> 00:52:02.650
to compare this to. Oh, wow. I think Wild Wild

00:52:02.650 --> 00:52:04.340
West is way better than this. this i used to

00:52:04.340 --> 00:52:07.260
like like straight up no i yeah well at least

00:52:07.260 --> 00:52:09.739
it has the audacity to be so fucking ridiculous

00:52:09.739 --> 00:52:12.420
exactly funny on purpose like it's not a good

00:52:12.420 --> 00:52:15.840
movie but like it's ridiculous i can't i can't

00:52:15.840 --> 00:52:18.159
say because i never saw wild wild west i watched

00:52:18.159 --> 00:52:20.480
when i know it's i know what the level it sits

00:52:20.480 --> 00:52:23.440
at and like people's minds yeah so i just imagined

00:52:23.440 --> 00:52:26.260
it because i know the about the giant mechanical

00:52:26.260 --> 00:52:31.840
spider yeah yeah and the dynamite guns And then

00:52:31.840 --> 00:52:38.059
they have the weird tortured disc things. They

00:52:38.059 --> 00:52:41.019
put it around their necks and the saw blades

00:52:41.019 --> 00:52:44.800
are magnetized to the discs. It's fucking weird.

00:52:45.099 --> 00:52:47.679
Ulysses Grant is also in Wild Wild West. He is,

00:52:47.780 --> 00:52:49.920
that's true. Is he played by the same guy? No.

00:52:51.179 --> 00:52:54.300
Kevin Kline plays him at one point in Makeup.

00:52:55.340 --> 00:52:57.800
I don't remember who plays Grant in Wild Wild

00:52:57.800 --> 00:53:01.880
West. Aiden Quinn was the guy who played Grant

00:53:01.880 --> 00:53:07.760
in Jonah Hex. So, I'm curious if Aiden Quinn

00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:12.760
was the same... No, I don't want wild weather.

00:53:12.920 --> 00:53:23.019
Grant was played by... Nope. You're gonna lose.

00:53:23.199 --> 00:53:25.380
You're gonna lose. Yeah, because I'm not going

00:53:25.380 --> 00:53:27.980
that fast. Okay, fair. But you're still going

00:53:27.980 --> 00:53:31.360
to lose. Wow, I can't even find that out. Ooh,

00:53:31.599 --> 00:53:38.099
he got it wiped from his record. Yeah, obviously

00:53:38.099 --> 00:53:41.420
I'm going to cut the space in between. Played

00:53:41.420 --> 00:53:47.199
by... Back again. You're still not finding it.

00:53:47.519 --> 00:53:50.900
Oh, no, it's Kevin Kline. Kevin Kline played

00:53:50.900 --> 00:53:54.559
both? Oh, he did? Yeah, I didn't realize it was

00:53:54.559 --> 00:53:57.289
both of him both times. Alright. So, yeah. All

00:53:57.289 --> 00:54:00.130
right. Cool. It's Kevin Kline as Ulysses S. Grant.

00:54:00.309 --> 00:54:03.769
Kevin Kline. It's fine. He's great. Yeah. It

00:54:03.769 --> 00:54:06.010
works. Yeah, fine. Kevin Kline is not a problem

00:54:06.010 --> 00:54:11.030
in this movie. Yeah, fine. You've never seen

00:54:11.030 --> 00:54:13.550
it. I haven't seen it. I can't say. I'm literally

00:54:13.550 --> 00:54:16.849
just saying, yeah, fine. I don't know. Obviously,

00:54:17.050 --> 00:54:18.550
Jonah Hex is not something we're going to watch

00:54:18.550 --> 00:54:24.039
again. Okay. Yes. I agree with that. It is definitely

00:54:24.039 --> 00:54:25.599
not something we're going to watch again in the

00:54:25.599 --> 00:54:29.059
near future. And on that bombshell. Yeah. Well,

00:54:29.219 --> 00:54:32.139
all right. I guess that does it. I'm a little

00:54:32.139 --> 00:54:36.639
sad that I own this on DVD. You know, you can

00:54:36.639 --> 00:54:39.039
play a fun prank on your friends with it. I feel

00:54:39.039 --> 00:54:41.079
like I'd almost secretly say, like, I don't put

00:54:41.079 --> 00:54:44.320
it past you. Yeah, well, no. I did too, actually.

00:54:44.599 --> 00:54:47.619
I will say it's definitely not the worst thing

00:54:47.619 --> 00:54:50.420
you own. What's the worst thing I own? Transylvania

00:54:50.420 --> 00:54:52.199
is worse than this, man. You think Transylvania

00:54:52.199 --> 00:54:53.519
is worse? We totally missed the conversation.

00:54:53.599 --> 00:54:55.760
We just talked about this. We literally said,

00:54:55.880 --> 00:54:57.039
is Transylvania worse? You said it was better.

00:54:57.260 --> 00:55:00.079
But it is, but it isn't, right? Like, I don't

00:55:00.079 --> 00:55:02.480
know. You know, we can't have it both ways. Are

00:55:02.480 --> 00:55:04.880
you a sandal? I am a sandal. Because you're flip

00:55:04.880 --> 00:55:07.380
-flopping. It's true. You're right. What are

00:55:07.380 --> 00:55:09.460
you doing? No, you're right. It's better that

00:55:09.460 --> 00:55:10.599
you're on Transylvania. You're right. This is

00:55:10.599 --> 00:55:13.619
probably... Transylvania was better. Yeah, you're

00:55:13.619 --> 00:55:15.739
right. Because you can laugh at it. Yes. And

00:55:15.739 --> 00:55:17.960
I said this much 20 minutes ago. Yeah. Or whatever.

00:55:18.239 --> 00:55:20.840
No, it's... 40 minutes ago now. Lay off the juice,

00:55:20.860 --> 00:55:28.380
hon. The juice is all I have. Alright, so that's

00:55:28.380 --> 00:55:30.159
Game for a Movie, where we ask, are you game

00:55:30.159 --> 00:55:32.579
for a movie? Next week is going to be Game for

00:55:32.579 --> 00:55:35.579
an Intervention, where we talk about Andre's

00:55:35.579 --> 00:55:38.460
intervention. I don't have a problem. I love

00:55:38.460 --> 00:55:41.619
the show Intervention. Can't wait. I've been

00:55:41.619 --> 00:55:46.590
your host, Mike. Enjoy. Bye. Andre? Are you questioning

00:55:46.590 --> 00:55:50.289
your own name? Lay off the sauce, buddy. Andre,

00:55:50.670 --> 00:55:55.190
your drinking hurts me at night. Just say no.

00:55:56.909 --> 00:55:59.110
See you next time on Game for a Movie.