You know what that sound means? It's another
episode of Game for a Movie where we ask, are
you game for a movie? My name is Mike. I'm joined
by... Andre? Jill? Who are we? I don't know.
Who are you? No fingers were pointed. There was
no fingers pointed. You let chaos reign there
and I was scared for a second. Yeah, I love chaos.
Even let Jesus take the wheel. I'm just glad
that somebody said something. I was worried we
were going to sit in silence for a little bit.
I was curious to see how long it would go. Yeah,
right. So we've been drinking. We have been.
They've been drinking. Yeah. We also watched
a bad movie. We did. Out of all the movies to
ever movie. That was one of them. It was definitely
a movie that I watched. It made me not understand
a certain genre of film in its appeal. Okay.
All right. Well, we're going to talk about what
we're drinking. Okay. How do I handle this? You
just go. Go. Tell me what you're drinking. I'm
drinking Alvarium's Rocket Pop. I'm pretty sure
Jill had one of those last week. That is exactly
right. We still have them. That was a week ago
that she had one of those, so this is not nearly
as fresh as it was a week ago, but it's still
great. It's a popsicle -style fruited sour. It
tastes great. Just as good as it did seven days
ago. Have you found any of the hidden words?
I have not. I'll keep looking while you tell
us what you're drinking, though. Jill, what are
you drinking? That presentation was excellent.
I would say I'm drinking giggle water, but I'm
not. I'm drinking water water. Oh, my God. I
think Mitchell had that last week, too. Mine
comes out of Connecticut. Yours does come out
of Connecticut. Not quite as good water, apparently.
No illustrious history here. Well, I'm drinking
over here something called the Pallet Mallet.
It is a Dippa from Back East Brewing, another
Connecticut beer. I'm pretty sure it's 9%. I'm
not sure if it's 9 % or 10%. I know it's high.
And this beer is brewed to hammer your palate
with plenty of hoppy goodness. So, yeah, that
is the Pallet Mallet. I couldn't find any words
either. Me neither. No. Sorry. I was listening.
Andre is just staring at his beer right now.
I'm trying to decipher the hidden word. I don't
want a man to look at me the way that that man's
looking at his beer. I'm just a man looking at
this beer asking it to love me. You know who
didn't use a mallet as a weapon? He did not.
No. He had a lot of specialty weapons. He did.
He did. He did. We are talking about the superhero
film from DC Comics. Is he a superhero? Yeah.
All right. No. So he's a comic book hero? He's
a hero? DC Comics own Jonah Hex. Jonah Hex. Hex.
The man who saved America. But we will never
know his deeds. No. No. He said no to being the
sheriff of the country. Yep. He stopped the Civil
War 11 years after the Civil War ended. Thank
you. What a badass. So, yes, we watched Jonah
Hex starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich.
We also had Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett.
We had Michael Shannon. Lance Reddick. Lance
Reddick. There you go. And there's one more I'm
missing. Oh, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Yes, Jeffrey
Dean Morgan. Uncredited, but he's there. Yes.
And only you wanted it on his resume. Yes, exactly.
I want to believe he and Josh Berlin are friends.
Sure. Fair. Why not? Why else would he show up
in this? Yeah. So the story is about a cowboy.
No, he's not a cowboy. He is kind of a cowboy.
He's the closest thing to a cowboy. He's a man
of the West. He's not a man of the West's call
like it is. He's a goddamn confederate soldier
that turnscoat, betrays his general, and his
family gets killed because he decided to fight
against the confederacy. Did they ever explain
that? He's a man who doesn't like being told
what to do. That's it. He just turned on his
best friend Jeb. That's all we know. as like
they were ordered to do something and Jeb was
going to do it because his father was his dad
and Jeb was like, well, he ain't my daddy, so.
He shot Jeb, yeah. Okay, so he just. They were
going to do something bad. He offed Jeb. He offed,
well, right, but he fought against the Confederacy
not because of his moral code but because he
didn't like being told what to do. No, he fought
against the Nate, so the reason is, so Weapon
Man explains that you, like, come on, you're
not. Smith is his name. Smith. Smith? The blacksmith.
It is blacksmith, the blacksmith. Are you fucking
kidding me? Yes. Yes, you are welcome. And honestly,
I didn't realize that during the movie. I realized
that. Just now. Alright, let me get the thought
out. So what I'm saying is, the blacksmith says,
you're not for slavery, you're not for etc. You
only joined the confederacy because you're a
man who doesn't like to be told what to do. That
is literally what he says. So it's not that he...
So why not fight for the union? And he basically
says... Because he's a libertarian! Basically
he goes, there are hypocrites on both sides.
Oh, that's right. Both sides are terrible. Both
sides. Got it. Is the man all by himself? Yes.
But yes. The black man named Smith is a black
Smith. Yeah. Played by. Lance Reddick. Lance
Reddick. Yeah. Great voice. Guy you would recognize
as the concierge for the Continental and the
John Wick movies. Yep. Yeah. He's, oh man, this
hurts. Just realizing that. Like the scar on
John X's face. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. The double scar.
Scar. The double scar. Double scar. So, basically...
It's a story of revenge. Story of revenge. Jonah
Hex's family is killed by General Turnbull. Turnbull,
yes. Played by John Malkovich, who doesn't have
a southern accent. No. And he does not even try
to have one. And a really bad wig. Yeah. And
a really bad wig. And a fake nose. Yes. When
he kills... Turnbull's son Jeb, his best friend
played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, basically Turnbull
kills Jonah Hex's family, leaves him to die,
and now, as it is in the comics... He gets branded.
He gets branded as well, yes. So he has a scar
on his face. As it is in the comics, Jonah Hex
has a connection to the dead. He doesn't have
a power necessarily, but he can tell when death
is coming. okay like a vulture and kind of stays
ahead of it that's really what his whole thing
is okay all right yes fine sure in this movie
after he gets branded you get we get a weird
comic book montage that's kind of forced of him
getting revived revived by um a tribe of native
americans and then he says that because he was
so close to death the crows follow crows follow
him so he has crows within him and he has the
power to speak with the dead yes this is only
in the movie yes which is wild to me i thought
so to me the fact that okay so in the movie hero
yeah right so i don't know i knew nothing about
jonah hex before i watched this um and the fact
that in the movie he has the power to revive
dead people and talk to them for a little bit
um they did that three times in this movie and
It was so weird and out of place that I figured,
oh, this must be what the comic book character
does. And they just had to throw it in because
it wouldn't be recognizable without that power.
And then you told me as you were sitting down,
oh, yeah, they made that power up for the movie.
And I'm like, what? Thank you, IMDB, for that.
What? And the drinking game that we found halfway
through the movie, which probably would have
killed us if we actually started at the beginning
of the movie. Especially for the one scene we
started on. For those who are considering playing
at home, one of the rules is drink every time
they say the name Hex. Guess what? It said a
lot. Drink every time his scar is mentioned.
Drink every time there's an explosion. Every
time somebody dies. And this might as well have
been a Michael Bay movie because there was a
lot of explosions. There was a lot of explosions.
For no reason. And Megan Fox. Megan Fox. A step
above Sexy Limp? Yeah, she's on Sexy Limp. Because
the Sexy Limp just exists to go from scene to
scene. I don't really know. Sexy Roomba? She
does go from scene to scene. She moves. She has
a utility. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I don't know. I'm
trying to think of what the term is past sexy
lamp. I don't know either. I don't know. She
has some agency. You know, she does get kidnapped
as a woman does in these films. But you give
her a couple weapons, she knows how to handle
herself. Yes. I appreciated that she wasn't like,
oh my god, I don't know what to do. She was a
strong -willed, sexy woman. Yes. And she worked
at a brothel. I was about to say, she was a lady
of the night. And she wore a corset. Yes. A very,
very, very tight corset. Yes. Basically... To
accentuate her 20 inch waist. What is funny about
this whole thing is this is after Transformers,
after Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, and
after Jennifer's body. Wait, what studio did
produce the Transformers films? Was it Warner
Brothers too? You okay over there? I'm a little
sleepy because this movie bored me to death.
It would be Universal. No, it would be Warner.
Which studio? Because I'm wondering if she was
like contracted to do this movie. Oh, sure. I
don't know. Is this a Sandra Bullock Speed 2
situation? No, I don't think so. No, I don't
think it was. I think she was out of her contract
at that point. I don't know. Because, I mean,
it does make sense that you would try to get
in on a superhero franchise from the very beginning.
Yeah. Especially after seeing what has happened.
Yeah, right. So this is two years after Iron
Man, right? He started filming it probably in
2009. Sure is Universal is a part of it. Okay.
Universal, Paramount Pictures, Amblin, DreamWorks,
these are all. Amblin? Amblin. Oh, Spielberg.
These are the Transformers movies. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Well, she was out of the Transformers
movies by the third one, right? Well, after the
second one. She didn't go anywhere in the third
one. Right. The third one was with Mark Wahlberg,
right? No. It was the different sexy lamp. Oh,
that's right. Okay. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Wow,
Jonah Hex really captured our imagination. Dude.
You can tell. Yeah. It's breaking you. it is
a little bit there was some so we'll talk more
about it before we go too deep in this transformer
transformer megan fox tangent um dark of the
moon that's what it was dark of the moon was
rosie huntington whitely victoria's secret model
okay great yep cool all right yeah it's all right
keep going so jonah hex was filmed really badly
it was holy shit Yeah, so can we talk about the
director's credits? Because you pointed out how
many director's credits he had. Yeah, let me
bring it back up. I seem to remember it was three.
There was more than three. There was more than
three? He stopped, he hasn't made a film since
the mid -2010s, directed. So his credits include
Jimmy Hayward. Okay. Jimmy Hayward's the director.
So he has directed... Yeah, you're right. I was
right. Three. In 2008, he directed Horton Hears
a Who, Jonah Hex in 2010, and 2013 is his last
film, Free Birds. Free Birds. He likes his animated
films. Yeah. Yeah, Free Birds. And he wrote the
screenplay for Free Birds. Or he has a credit
for it. Yeah, the action is all over the place.
Every single scene is interstitched with Jonah
Hex riding on a horse, which... That's why it's
a cowboy. And I mean, there's a train robbery
scene. But he's not involved in the train robbery
scene. He's not robbing people. There's still
a train robbery. I'm looking up how you define
a cowboy. Sure, but he's a bounty hunter. He's
a bounty hunter. He's a former Confederate soldier.
Turned co -confederate soldier that went to bounty
hunting because he can talk to the dead and find
leads that nobody else does. He's not a cowboy.
He's not a cowboy? He's not a cowboy. He's an
animal herder who tends to cattle. Yeah, sure,
sure, sure. But, you know. Tends to animals.
Okay, what animals? Cows? Is he a boy? Cowboy!
I mean, he has two animal companions. He does.
He does. He has a dog and a horse. He has a dog
and a horse. What's the horse's name? Horse.
Horse. I feel like Geralt Summer being like,
I can do better than that. Yeah, right, right.
Well, it just makes me laugh because it made
me think of Red Dead Redemption. This whole movie
gave me Red Dead vibes, which is the point. In
a bad way. It's the worst parts of Red Dead.
I'd rather just play Red Dead. Yeah, right. But
it's funny because one of my favorite YouTube
channels, they played Red Dead, and they called
their horse Horse and Wells. Okay. That's kind
of clever. Yeah. I like that. I like that better
than horse. Sure, sure. I can't imagine Jonah
Hex saying Horse and Wells. No. But yes, with
those, going back to why we brought up the director,
this film... is very poorly shot, and it stands
out in a stark contrast to the film we talked
about last week, which was filmed really, really
well. So... Yeah. Yeah, kind of a... Yeah. Rough
comparison. Sam Raimi versus... I just needed
to think back to last week. Jimmy Hayward. Jimmy
Hayward. Yeah. Sorry, it took me a second because
it's been so long. Yeah, it's been a while. So
I just had to think of what movie we talked about
last week. It's been a while. Yeah. Yeah, man,
I don't really know, like, how to extrapolate
my thoughts on this film because... It was just
boring. I don't know. Well, that's the thing.
It shouldn't have been. As our friend Mitchell
always says, the biggest crime for a bad movie
is being boring. Yeah. And so Joe was bringing
this up before we started talking. The movies
we've watched together, Transylvania and Jonah
Hex, which one is worse? I say Jonah Hex. Yes,
I would agree. Because at least Transylvania
had something worth laughing about. I was about
to say, like, Transylvania had the effect of
what the fuck? fuck am I watching? Like, what
in the goddamn hell? It didn't have the two stoner
guys. Well, right, but I'm not even saying that,
like, oh, it had jokes and it was funny. Like,
no, it was... Yeah, we need more beer for this.
It was just insanely, like, off the wall. This
one, like, Jonah Hex is, like, it's almost rote
and, well, it's rote and mundane. Like, you know,
like, it's just like, alright. script. Yes. That,
you know, has the benefit of actually having
some pretty decent actors with one exception.
Right. Who I think was a little bit snoozy on
the set. Yes. Oh, man. John Malkovich is bored
out of his fucking mind. He's very bored. Like,
I, dude. The way we described him is, this is
a paycheck, this is a paycheck. Yeah, yeah. So
he, as we mentioned, he's playing the general,
the Confederate general who is, who killed Jonah
Hex's family and he's his rival slash. main villain
bad guy who wants to destroy America for reasons.
Because his son is dead, I guess. Yeah, he doesn't
even bother with, like, a southern accent, which
sounds like a superficial complaint, but, like,
it's just... It's noticeable. It's weird, and
it's just, John Malkovich just saying, like,
literally, it's just him reading the script.
You know what I mean? Like, it is just that vibe.
Go for it. Oh, I was just gonna say, I do wonder
about that, because literally, we were talking
about, does... He had the capability to talk,
like, in the southern accent. Josh Brolin is
doing a southern accent. Josh Brolin also just
has a good voice for it. He does, sure, but,
like... And, like, you can't compare the two
in voice depth. No, but, like, Josh Brolin doesn't
have a southern accent in real life, and he does
in this movie, so he is trying harder, is all
I will, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's not even for
the lack of material, because we know... John
Malkovich. Yeah. He can chew that scenery like
the best. Yes, he can. Right, right. Watch it
on air. Jesus. Yeah. And he has, or Space Force.
Space Force, okay. He's pretty good in Space
Force. I haven't seen Space Force. Anyway, he
has material too in this. There's plenty of mustachioed
twirling monologues about why we're doing whatever
we're doing. There's plenty of time for him to
go full villain. The person that decided to go
full villain. Michael Fassbender. The MVP of
the movie? I think yes. I think he's the most
entertaining part. Maybe the dog. He's like the
bowl cap wearing Irish. Bowler hat. Bowler hat
wearing Irish tattooed henchman. He has tattoos
on his chin. Imagine Michael Fassbender with
tattoos on his chin. able to do his best Jude
Law impersonation? I kept thinking Jude Law.
I can see that. In an alternate universe, this
is Jude Law. He's a madcap Irish man with knives.
Yes. Wants to kill everybody that the general
sends him on and basically he's just a loyal
henchman. He's like the dude from Ride to Ho...
Retribution? Yeah, because there's a dude with
knives, too. Oh, my God. If this movie was a
video game, it would be Ride to Hell Retribution.
Except in the 1870s. It's the 1970s. Right, right.
What? Are you doing okay over there? No, I'm
blown. No, I'm not doing okay over here. That
is like this movie, right? Yeah, it is. For those
who may not know what Ride to Hell Retribution
is, Ride to Hell. Road to Hell? Ride to Hell.
Ride to Hell Retribution is... Easy for you to
say. Look it up. That is a whole goldmine of
YouTube videos for you to watch. So, Michael
Fassbender. Yeah. Absolutely, I think he's having
a ball. He's having a ball. Yeah, sure. I think
he's... I hope he's... He's definitely not bored.
He's definitely not bored. No, he gave his all
for this film, I think. Even though they all
knew to give up on it. Yeah. So, what was the
IMDb fact you said about... So, they all... wanted
to make a better... They all strove to make a
good movie, but according to Josh Brolin, they
got to a point where it was just unsalvageable.
Yeah. And they knew it was going to be bad. Yes.
And bad it was. Bad it was, dude. Oh, Michael
Fassbender based his character on sociopaths
like The Riddler and Alex DeLarge. Okay. I see
a lot of Alex in that. I get that. Okay. I can
definitely see that. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair.
That follows. That fits. One of the bad things
I wanted to talk to you guys about because it
bothered me a lot. The lack of special features
on the DVD? Yes. No. I know that's part of our
promo. Where Andre's yelling about fucking Hansel
and Gretel Witch Hunter. There was no special
features on that DVD. That's exactly how I feel
right now. Oh my god. No, the thing I wanted
to talk to you guys about. was the darkness.
This film was dark. It was very dark. Up your
brightness, everybody. In a literal sense, like
you can't see shit. Remember that episode of
Game of Thrones? Final season? Yeah, the longest
night, and it was dark as shit. Did you watch
the last season? I didn't watch Game of Thrones.
Good for you, dude. That's all I will say. I
didn't set myself up for disappointment. Game
of Thrones fans, you know what I'm talking about,
and I'll leave it at that. Well, I mean, alright,
so let's get into this, because we opened the...
We open Pandora's box on this. Okay. If you talk
TV shows, for the most part, I have not seen
it. Okay. Because I am a movie person. Sure.
Gotcha. I like watching movies where I'm like
two hours in, out, done. If I care about these
characters, I may watch a sequel. Sure. If I
don't care about these characters, never have
to think about it again. Fuck yourself. Yeah.
You're done. So that's why I say TV shows. Usually
never watched. Yeah, okay, gotcha. But you're
definitely signing on for a Jonah Hex sequel
whenever they make it, right? No. Josh Brolin
would make this film again if he had $5 million
lying around. Yes, yes he would. And that is
scary to me. But yes, the darkness. This movie
had some lighting issues at times. It's just,
well, I don't know. The palette color was black
or brown. Or hyper, like. Stylized in the metaphor.
The red in the astral plane. Yeah, right, right,
right. So, like, we'll have... Okay, so, like,
you know, what? Two -thirds of the way through
our movie, which is a pretty short, thankfully,
85... 82 minutes. 82 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, Jonah
dies again. Yeah, right, right, right. So, so
he... Yeah, he dies, sort of. He's nearly dead.
He's nearly dead. So, yeah, right. He has an
encounter with Turnbull. And, oh, we didn't even
tell, like, what is the main fucking plot of
this movie? Turnbull wants to use a finder. He
wants to watch the world burn. He wants to use
a Dragon Ball. Yeah, yeah. He gets a super weapon
made by the inventor. Eli Whitney Sr. Eli Whitney
Sr. That nefarious Whitney. Um, fucking. Makes
a super weapon that blows shit up and they never
made it because it was too terrible, but John
Malkovich Turnbull gets his hands on the plans
and he... And he's going to be like, I'm going
to fire this shit on 4th of July 1876. Where
Grant's making his speech. Yeah, right. And I
love how they have a scene where Grant's in this
movie, by the way, and they're like, Sir, we
have no idea where he's going to strike. And
he strikes at the most obvious spot possible.
His speech. world's fair going on yeah i understand
i watched that scene too but like it was just
well the thing was so the the reason we say they
didn't know where he was going is because the
first test he did he blew up a town yeah and
apparently killed how many 200 people almost
300 people almost I was just going to say like
324 people. Okay, sure. That sounds about right.
And they were all civilians. Civilians, yes.
None of them were... Combatants. Combatants,
yes, exactly. And so then they're explaining
this to Grant and they're just like, we don't
know where he's going to strike. He killed all
these civilians, blah, blah, blah. Is this Will
Arnett? Do we even speak to him? No, it's not.
No, it's not. Let's not forget he's in this.
He is in this. Will Arnett is in this. He is
in it. And I still love the fact that his name
is Lieutenant Grass. Yep. And when I said, because
there's a part in the movie, spoilers, in case
you're going to watch, Will Arnett dies. And
I said, his ass is grass. And you guys didn't
even know that his name was Lieutenant Grass.
I didn't even hear that. Yeah, you said, looks
like his ass is grass. And I was like, I don't
understand what you're saying at all. Like, neither
of you. You're looking at me with blank faces.
I'm like, yeah. His name is Lieutenant Grass.
Oh, okay. I just knew his name was Will Arnett.
His ass is Arnett. Yeah, exactly. So he's going
to John Malkovich Trumbull is going to try and
get the super weapon from Fort Resurrection.
Fort Resurrection, yes. Because that wasn't on
the nose. That's where Jonah Hex and him first
encounter each other for the first time since
he murdered his family. He almost dies. Which
we were also confused about because we were at
the fort thinking this was John Malkovich Turnbull
was explaining to Michael Fassbender going, like,
this is my plan. He was saying the whole plan.
He was explaining where he got the weapon from,
et cetera, et cetera. We're getting the villain's
monologue. Yes. We thought that was just happening,
like, before because, like, Jonah's piecing this
together with all these, like, yeah, he's looking
at a map. He's looking at these drawings. He's,
like, piecing it together. No, they're still
in the same fucking place. They're just in two
different rooms. But it's shot in such a way,
it's like, is this a flashback? Is this happening
simultaneously? Very bizarre. Sorry. Stop playing
footsie with me, Andre. It's the only thing I
got going for me at this point. Again? Yeah.
Dude, my feet are on this side. I got long legs,
man. Alright, it's my table. Jeez. JMT. John
Malkovich Turnbull, the first, shoots at Jonah
Hex, and Jonah Hex almost dies, and it's all
set. It's not John Malkovich Turnbull. It's Michael
Fassbender. He puts two shotgun shells through
his chest. He even proudly declares, I put two
shotgun shells through him. Like, I put two shells
in his chest, he should be dead. Yeah, no, he's
not dead. He hopped on a horse, is, like, fading,
so he falls to the astral plane, where basically
he sees his unfinished business, which is vengeance.
Oh, he takes care of JMT. Yeah, it's his JMT
that he needs his vengeance on. Then they duke
it out with some fisticuffs. Yeah, it's very
metaphorical, very deep, that he's having a hallucination
of fighting John Malkovich before he dies. And
then John Malkovich... Kills him in the dream
world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then there's a montage
of him getting saved by Native Americans again.
Who never speak. No, they never speak. No Native
American has a spoken role in this movie. Yes.
Except for, I guess, his wife. But I don't think
she has a line. His wife and his son, really.
But his son has a line, yeah. Son Travis, right?
He's part Native American. Let's just call it
what it is. Right, right, right. That was the
reveal. That was the reveal. While he's dying,
we finally see his wife and son for the first
time. Oh, you know, like, it's just, like, this
weird montage of, like, them blowing, like, a
Native American child, like, blowing, like, smoke
and doing kind of semi, I don't know, stereotypical
shit of, like, trying to revive him in a weird
way. This is my favorite part, though. So, like,
he's, like, freaking out. The smoke hits him.
His eyes turn yellow. And, like, this crow smoke
cloud comes out of his... Like, mouth. Yeah.
So I'm like, okay, yeah, you know, the crows
follow him, whatever. Cool. Whatever. Yeah. It's
all smoke. Then all of a sudden, a crow flies
out of his mouth. Yeah. Like an actual crow.
Yeah, it's a real ass crow. Well, he still has
the yellow eyes of a supernatural demon. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, okay, it's like
a metaphorical crow. No. The Native Americans.
dodge it they see the thing yeah they're like
oh shit that's a crow and then they do like a
close -up of his mouth that looked like it had
like an orifice inside of it yeah that was not
necessary yeah no and then it immediately cuts
to like there's no resolution to that scene he
gets up and then it's immediately cut to he's
on his horse again and he's on his way he doesn't
just gets up he yells turnbull yeah yeah yeah
and then he's on his horse without any backup
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the Native Americans
don't have any comment on what just occurred
in front of them. There was no even scene of
like, go, Jonah Hex, you must do your thing or
whatever. You need to rest. You need to rest.
Or even that, yeah. I can't. I need to get Turnbull.
Yeah, yeah. All right, we understand. No, there's
none of that. And then it's just straight to
boom. Like, all right. We're doing this. We're
on our way. Tell the president that I'll be here.
And he used to send all of his men there. Stop.
What? How'd he get on the boat? He tracked it
down. the way you track a boat? Yeah. Wait, how
do you get on the boat, though? Freestyle swimming.
Can you swim? Sure, I know. No, that's presumptuous.
Like, really, though. How did he get on the boat?
He got on a horse and met up with dogs. Fuck,
you're right. I don't think we know how he got
on the boat. He tracked down the boat as one
tracks down. I understand how he found the boat,
but how did he get on the boat? Because the boat
was in a fucking... Because when we see them
lining up their shot before he starts taking
them out, they're 4 ,000 meters or whatever from
the coast. So they went from somewhere else.
You know that scene at the end of The Princess
Bride when they leap from the tower and they
kind of fly down? That's what he did. He got
up on his horse. This is Jill's interpretation,
by the way. They don't show this. No, I'm just
making it up as I go. Yeah. Well, it's DC. He
flew. So it's DC. Maybe he's a vampire. Who knows?
So it's DC Comics. He called Aquaman. Aquaman
got two dolphins out to take him there. That's
in the extended director's cut that which we
will never see the light of day because there
are no DVD special features. There are no dolphins
in the Potomac. But Aquaman. But Aquaman. Yeah,
Aquaman, bro. Don't you know Deus Ex Aquaman?
Yeah. Meanwhile, Megan Fox plays Delilah. Tallulah.
Well, that's her real name. Lila is her nickname.
Tallulah is her real name. She is the Lady of
the Night, as was mentioned. I'd still fuck her
with the name Tallulah. Even if you have to yell,
Tallulah. You're welcome. Now you just have to
imagine that. She and Jonah Hex at least have
a pre -established relationship, so it's not
like one of those scenarios where, like, they
meet and then they keep bumping into each other
and then they quickly fall in love. What was
the math there? Like, 12 years apart? 14 years
apart? Josh Brolin and Megan Fox? Yeah. He was
24 and did we ever actually... He was probably
in his mid -30s, I don't know. I'm guessing.
Alright, I'm on it. I'm on it. So she gets kidnapped
by JMT's gang. She's on the boat. Because they
need to hit Jonah where it hurts. Oh no. He was
born in 1968. She was born in 86. Yes. That's
an inverse. That's 18 years apart, right? Wait.
1986 minus 1968 is 18 years. 18 years, yeah.
Okay, so 1968. Or wait, no. 2009, really. 2009
minus 1968. 41. And she was 24? Is that what
we said? That's rough. I don't like that. Half
your age plus 7 is the rule, man. Half your age
plus 7. You know, it was the 1870s. So 41, you
round up to 42. 21 plus 7. But he was a grandpa
at that point. That makes it worse. They would
have gotten married at 12. He was a grandpa at
that point. Oh, no. Movie logic is movie bad.
Yep. Oh, God. We also canonically don't know
how old of a character she's supposed to be.
Yeah, right. She could have been a seven -year
-old whore. No, I mean, she was like 18. No.
They started early. Not in this type of movie.
At worst, she was probably 14. Jesus Christ,
she's not playing a 14 -year -old character.
No, I don't think so either. But I'm just saying.
Nobody's saying that. I'm just saying, though.
You want to know what really stuck with me? How
much DC has stolen the logo that Marvel uses.
Let's talk about that. Did they steal it, or
did Marvel steal it after? I don't know. They
both do the same thing. They pan out to show
the logo, and on the pan out, they do scenes
of the comic books. And of course, Marvel now
does... the actual scenes from the movies, but
it was very distracting and I don't want to talk
about the former topic anymore. Fair. So she
was 14. No, she was 15. This is not a Romeo and
Cowboy, no, Juliet and Cowboy situation. Yeah.
Oh, so anyway, so Michael Fassbender somehow
finds Megan Fox for no reason whatsoever. No,
they want to find something that he loves. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. So John Malkovich Turnbull says,
Like, oh, like, oh, we gotta find something that
Jonah Hex loves. And go track them down. And
he's like, okay, I'll figure it out. And then
the next scene is him just walking into the brothel
and finding Megan Fox. And it's like, how did
you find this person? Like, there was no exposition
of, oh, I've heard that he always goes to this
brothel every month or something like that. Not
even a throwaway line of like, oh, this is how
I know where he is. But, uh, yeah. They kidnap
Megan Fox. Then she's on the boat. And then he
gets on the boat. And then he gets on the boat
somehow through mysterious ways. He also has
some really unconventionally... Stupid weapons.
Yeah, that's true. We skipped over Smith. Blacksmith,
sorry. We talked briefly about Blacksmith. Blacksmith.
But he outfits Jonah Hex with all these unconventional
weapons. Crossbows that shoot dynamite. The age
of consent was 16. Oh, great. Wow. So crossbows,
but instead of arrows, it's dynamite. Yeah, specialty
guns that we drink for. Specialty guns, yeah.
Some machete guns. They don't add anything to
the action scenes at all, really. Just explosions
and drinking. It just made me think of the sequence
from Van Helsing where he's the Gatling crossbow.
Sure, yeah. And then I just wanted to watch Van
Helsing. Yeah, right. This movie makes you want
to just rather watch Van Helsing. There's...
You say that like it's a problem. No. There's
20 movies that we could have thought of that
we would rather have watched that have this motif.
Shanghai Noon is one that I thought of, and I'm
like, I love Shanghai Noon. I would rather watch
Shanghai Noon. No? No, I would, sure. I haven't
seen it. Oh. You haven't seen Rush Hour? You
haven't seen Shanghai Noon? What do you have
against Jackie Chan? I watched the Jackie Chan
Chronicles. The Adventures of Jackie Chan. The
cartoon series. What about the tuxedo? I remember
this. Dude, the tuxedo is like way low. Accidental
spy? I've seen Around the World in 80 Days. Okay.
What about the medallion? Nope. Ooh. Hmm. We
got Drunken Monkey? Nope. Can we stay on topic?
We are on topic. Jackie Chan. I would rather
be watching Jackie Chan movies than this. I would
love to watch every Jackie Chan movie. You know
what? This Western could have used some kung
fu. I would have loved it. I mean, some more
Fisty Cuff, sure. This is why you need to see
Shanghai Noon. Literally, Jackie Chan is in it.
Is that the one with Owen Wilson? Yes. Shanghai
Noon and Shanghai Nights. I think I've seen Shanghai
Nights. My 10th birthday, we went to Shanghai
Nights. That was my birthday. That's how much
I love movies. I think I've seen Shanghai Nights
because I remember them being in London. There's
a coronation. Charlie Chaplin. Line of succession.
Yeah. I don't remember Charlie Chaplin, but I
remember. Oh, the kid. The kid. He's Charlie
Chaplin. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I remember that part.
Spoilers for Shanghai Nights. I don't think I
knew there was a Shanghai Noon. There is a Shanghai
Noon. Well, now I know. Yep. It's very good.
Very good. It's better than Shanghai Nights,
even though Shanghai Nights is great. Do you
need another beer? No. I'm still working on this
guy. I'm still trying to find the words on that
beer. I'm just trying to find the words and trying
to find the meaning in this movie because it
was fucking awful. Yeah, so the grand finale
on the boat. Well, no, no, no. We'll give you
the time to find your words. Okay, great. Because
we have to take a break. Okay. First, we've got
to give a shout -out to our friends at TheyCalledThisAMovie.
Their Twitter handle is at T -C -T -A -M pod.
Basically, they are testing the strength of friendships
one terrible movie at a time, so they are a lot
like us. Here's their promo for guessing Jonah
Hex is our bad movie. Are you tired of watching
the same old awesome movies? Are B -movies more
your style? Then the folks over at They Call
This a Movie have you covered. Join us every
Thursday as we review the worst of the worst
in sci -fi, action, comedy, and more. We are
available on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Podbean
at theycallthisamovie .podbean .com. They Call
This a Movie, testing the strength of friendships,
one terrible movie at a time. And we're back.
We need to talk about this because we had a startling
realization during the break about dead things
and Jonah Hex reanimating them. So why did they
explain that rule? So at the beginning, the first
time we talked to... A dead person. A dead person.
Did you say Jonah Jameson? Jonah Jameson revives
one of... J. Jonah Hexason. Yeah. Like, revives
a soldier that they were interrogating? Yes.
That died. That died. Lieutenant Grass. Lieutenant
Grass. And he, like, literally was like, oh,
we were talking to that guy. But he's dead now.
But he's dead. And it's just like, what? Like,
why would you embrace him like that? Yeah, yeah,
right, right. He's like, okay, I'll take care
of it. And then he walks over and then revives
him. And then they're like, what are you doing?
Your Jonah Hex impersonation? Yeah. Almost spot
on. Thank you. A few things, a few notes. Yeah,
a few notes. Never do it again. But he's like,
he grabs a pile, he grabs a fistful of dirt.
No, he wakes up the guy first. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then he's like, oh God, it burns. He's like,
yeah, the longer I keep you alive, the more it
burns. The body doesn't like it. Yeah, exactly.
And he's like, make it stop, blah. And he gives
him a nugget of information that he wants. He's
like, all right. And then he picks up a little
fistful of dirt and sprinkles on top of him.
And he's like, bodies love dirt. Dead love dirt
and dirt loves dead or something like that. I
told you, stop doing your impersonation. It's
all I have left now. And it's just like, oh,
okay, that's the rule. Don't you remember when
we played D &D and we stopped you from accents?
Because everyone was from Brooklyn. Except Jonah
Hex. Except Jonah Hex. All right. Yes, they sprinkled
the dirt on the body. But that never comes up
again. That's literally in the first 20 minutes
of the film, and he never had to do it. Which
is still just so bizarre to me that this was
a made -up power for the movie. Right. I don't
get that. But the two other times he used it
was on Jeb Dean Morgan. He's been dead for a
while. Jeb Dean Morgan, who's been dead for a
while, so it doesn't burn him as much. But he
has been watching, because as the bodies... You
can watch the people you came in contact with
in life. So he's been watching Jonah. He's been
watching his dad. And he's like, you two are
almost similar. You're killing... Yeah, you're
the same. You're two sides of the same coin.
This says a lot like Jonah. They're hypocrites
on all sides. Hypocrites on all sides. But they're
the same and everything like that. So he starts
to burn after a long time. And he's like, I guess
I best be going to the dirt. Our best go back
underground. And then the third time is with
Michael Fassbender. Michael Fassbender! Spoilers!
He kills Michael Fassbender and then he brings
him back just so he can kill him again. This
is actually my favorite part of the movie. It
actually is. Besides the crappy thing they did.
He holds Michael Fassbender against a blade.
A propeller that's spinning. And goes, this is
for my wife. Throws him against the propeller.
He's dead. And you think his head would be cut
off. His head would definitely be cut off. But
instead he just slit his throat artfully? I don't
even know. No, it's the back of his head is like
bleeding. Oh, I thought it was his throat. It
was hard to see because it was so dark. No, the
back of his head is bleeding. Because it was
like a big blood splatter behind his head. Okay,
so they... decap, de -skulled him. De -skulled
him, I guess. He's scalped him. Yeah, he's bleeding
out from the back, I guess. I don't know. I didn't
have as much problem with it except for the fact
they fully put him in so his head probably would
be gone. Yeah. But I was okay with the cut off
the head. So he's dead. He brings him back to
life and goes, and this is for my son and burns
him so his corpse is just like ash. I like that.
I thought that was good. It was, it was, you
know. Sad to see the character go because he
was so entertaining to watch. He was the best
one. He died too early. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because
we still had 20 minutes of confusing. 15 -ish
minutes, yeah. I don't know. We fast forward
through the end credits. Yeah. But yeah, Michael
Fassbender dies, so now it's a showdown between
John Malkovich Trumbull and Joda Hex and Megan
Fox is there. Trumbull. Trumbull. Not Trumbull.
Trumbull. Trumbull is just a city in Connecticut
and a street in Connecticut. Yep. Turn Hartford.
Turn Hartford. Yep. John Malkovich turn bowl.
Turn bowl. You don't have to have it out. That
bowl needs to turn. Yep. Megan Fox is there too.
She gets out of her handcuffs. Yes. Because whore.
Yes. Because her mama raised no fool. Tallulah
Black's mama raised no fool. Tallulah. Yeah,
and then they have at it, and then they fall
in a hole on the ship, which is where the Dragon
Balls are being fired out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's why it's powered by Dragon Balls. But
what gets a little confusing is that we kept
kind of jumping back between what's going on
with Megan Fox's character and her, you know,
a little scramble with a guy. Then we have...
John Malkovich Turnbull and Jonah Hex fighting
in the real world. And then we have the metaphorical
fight. Astral plane, as we're calling it. Astral
plane of Jonah Hex fighting his revenge, vengeance,
avatar. Unfinished business. Unfinished business
that takes the form of Turnbull as well. And
it's very hectic. Yep. Yep. I don't know. Yeah.
No, it was very confusing because you're switching
between real life, fake life. of both of those
fights. And it's not shot well at all. You're
not following the through line of this fight
at all. People have done the, oh, they're fighting,
they're fighting, they're stuck in their problems,
back, forth, that kind of thing. But this one
is just... Throwing in a third fight, which is
basically the same as the first fight, but in
a different setting is questionable. Well, and
even when he got the upper hand, the... So Megan
Fox has an axe and it falls into the hull where
Jonah Hex and John Malkovich Turnbull are fighting.
And he's able to grab the axe and get the upper
hand. But then his astral plane self is still
fighting. He's not almost dead anymore because
he's still fighting now. He's overcoming his
vengeance because then he kicks his vengeance's
ass. Yeah, right. And so I don't understand why
they still had those fights going on. And really,
by the time he would have put John Malkovich
Turnbull in the mechanism where he had him held
and get back up to the top of the ship. So they
can do a running jump. So they can do a running
jump from exploding ship. Megan Fox would be
dead. The guy's stepping on her throat. Yeah,
he's like choking on her. Yeah, like she's running
out of air real quick. Yeah, basically. I don't
know. And you want to know what I want to know?
There's another unresolved thing. What was the
point of the solo casket? What was in the box?
That was his vengeance. Oh, okay. We never saw
his vengeance get out of the casket. No, but
Turnbull went in or something, right? No. No.
He was never dead. Because that was in the, yeah,
right. Oh, maybe that's his casket. Yeah. Because
it was unresolved. Because... He keeps outrunning
death. Yeah, he keeps outrunning death. Jonah
Hex not Turnbull. Yes. Uh -huh. Yeah. And really,
just talking about this... The fact that he didn't
bring it up again is not because they totally
forgot about it, but it's because Jonah Hex lives
another day, Joe. For the sequel. Let me tell
you right now. I just put that together now as
we're talking it through. Yeah. Not, I was thinking
this during the movie. There's layers to this
movie, guys. It's a... Onion ogre. Yes. This
movie is an ogre. This movie is... Guess what?
It has a happy ending that doesn't quite sequel
bait, but they left the door open. They left
the door open. Very weirdly, like, honestly,
like, you can definitely tell it was all, like,
very... I don't even want to call it reshoots,
but, like... 60 pages of reshoots shot over the
course of 12 days. Wow. Okay, so that was definitely
part of it because, like, they're at the Capitol
and it just looks like... it's it's like a 30
second scene and like the green screen looks
awful it's terrible like though like they they
tried they have like the washington monument
in the skyline and it just looks very very bad
they're building the washington monument oh they're
building it okay yeah i was just like wait they
had the washington oh i got it yeah yeah yeah
like in the skyline or whatever i got you now
but it looks so unnatural it's like wow like
okay clearly like What? Like, what is this? Also,
President Grant offers him the role of Sheriff
of America. Yes, that's right. Captain America.
Could have been Jonah Hex this whole time. You
know who would have taken the role of Sheriff
of the United States? Benjamin Franklin Gates.
Nicolas Cage. Yeah, I know. Let that one sink
in. I can just imagine Nicolas Cage telling President
Grant it's an honor to serve the United States
of America. Yeah, it writes itself. Yeah. Just
give Benjamin Franklin Gates a time machine,
send him back in time, redo Jonah Hex, no speaking
to dead people, unless we want a weird Ghost
Rider thing. Ooh. We'll have it in National Treasure
3. Yeah, let's go. America's Next. All right,
you brought up Ghost Rider. We did say Ghost
Rider was better than this movie. Yeah. Yeah,
it's not. The second one is worse than this.
movie. I think the second one's better than this
movie. I've only seen it once and I've basically
I've never seen the second one so I don't know.
I have seen the second one. It's not good. Is
that our measure now for like badness landmarks
is like does it out bad Ghost Rider 2? It might
be. That's a good goal post. I mean it definitely
doesn't out bad Yoga Hosers for me. I've never
seen Yoga Hosers. I know but for me it doesn't.
That's my benchmark. What's your benchmark? Like,
what makes a bad movie? No, what's your measure
of is worse than X? I don't know. That's tough.
Is it worse than The Humanity Bureau? Is that
your worst movie? No, it's not. But like, I had
fun with Humanity Bureau, but that's probably
the worst fun movie I've had. You know what I
mean? You know what I'm saying? Well, so... It's
the worst than Killer Sofa. Killer Sofa is probably
my favorite bad movie I've watched for this show.
I was about to come to bat for Killer Sofa. You
know, is what I'm saying, right? My favorite
bad movie is probably Edison, and I think Edison
was more fun. Okay. Yeah. And there you go. Yeah.
It used to be Fantasy Island, the remake. This
movie was better than Speed 2. Okay. Speed 2
is... Yes, V2 seemed pretty dismal. This is just
boring and very cliche. Very clumsy. You know
what I mean? At the end of the day, we can make
fun of this movie all we want. It's just paint
by numbers. Paint by numbers and not really great
at painting those numbers. You know what I mean?
You can still read the numbers, but they're a
little... But they gave him superpowers is enough.
Yeah. Very bizarre. Yep. I've got two more IMDb
facts that I really want to share. Share. So
I'll share this one before we give our ratings,
and then I'll tell you the other one after. So
the director, throughout the shooting, wore a
stylized cowboy hat. I'm sorry, did you say cowboy?
This is cowboy. He is a cowboy. Bye. It was a
cowboy movie. He's not a cowboy. He's a cowboy.
The director thinks he is, apparently. Yes! Yeehaw.
That probably is the reason why I failed. Because
he wore that stupid hat? Also true. I was thinking
because he doesn't understand the character and
thinks he's a cowboy, not a Civil War soldier
that has basically turned on the United States
because he doesn't like to be told what to do.
Mm -hmm. Grizzled. Grizzled. Yes. All right.
So that was fact one. Fact two. No? Radiance
first? Yeah, Radiance first. Radiance first.
Okay. Ratings? I mean, I would give this just
a .32. That's really low. Because it was boring,
you know what I mean? Ah, boring, but no. There
were some parts where I was like, this is just
ridiculous. .32 inexplicable resurrections out
of five. Okay. I'll give it the one. I was going
to say the Mitchell Zero. I'm like, no, it's
better than they made a movie. No, it's not better
than they made a movie. This is a Mitchell Zero.
In my opinion. But whatever, you're rating. You
don't have to judge anymore. Mitchell's gone.
Here's the chair at the table. It's pushed in.
I guess for me, it's like they made a movie.
My brain goes to like, it's a talking cat, exclamation
mark, question point. I guess, yeah. It's a talking
cat. It's a talking stupid cat. I give this a
one. Okay. Mostly for Michael Fassbender pulling
it up with his knives and Irish accent. He did
the best he could. So I'll give it a one out
of Dual Gatling Guns. Ooh, okay. Why didn't he
use those Dual Gatling Guns anymore in the movie?
They only showed up once. I know, what a waste.
Yeah. Yeah, I... Yeah. What a waste. Okay, so
I guess that leaves me. I want to give it higher
because of the fast bend, but I want to give
it lower because of the movie. That's why it's
a one for me. I am sitting at a .25. Yes. .25
hours of a dog sitting in makeup. Okay. That
was another trivia fact. The dog had to sit in
a chair for an hour to get done up to look mangy.
So the other fun fact that I had was instead
of Josh Brolin, maybe this movie would have been
better if it had Matthew McConaughey. Oh no.
Nope. And this is absolute horrible casting in
my opinion. Emile Hirsch. Yeah. No. Honestly,
out of all three of those, Josh Brolin is the
best choice. Or they go Woody Harrelson. Woody
would have had fun with it. Woody would have
had fun with it, but I don't know if this is
a fun character. No, that's the thing. Is that
like, is that like when you look at that, when
you, when you give me the, when you give me the,
the, the, when you give me the back of the box
summary. See, I would have rather had Woody Harrelson
as John Malkovich. Yes. I 100 % agree. Yes. Yes.
Get him as the villain for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
He would have had more fun with it. If you give
me the back box DVD summary, I don't think Josh
Brolin is a miscast for this. You know, like
I think he did well with it or whatever. Josh
Brolin did the best he could with this. Exactly,
right. Like, I don't think he was the problem.
Really, like, I'm trying to think who would be
recast. Megan Fox was fine. Megan Fox was fine
for the point. Sure, but like... Michael Fassbender
had fun. Malkovich is the only one that I'm,
like, sitting here going, okay, I could have
found somebody better, but just because I think
he's bored. Because he's bored, exactly. I was
like, oh, John Hogwarts. With a better script?
I think Malkovich would have had more fun. Yes.
Sure. And so I could see Malkovich in a good
movie. The cast is the best part of this movie,
like, just straight up. I'm going to go on Kenneth
Branagh's character from Wild Wild West. Yeah,
right. Basically. That was another movie I wanted
to compare this to. Oh, wow. I think Wild Wild
West is way better than this. this i used to
like like straight up no i yeah well at least
it has the audacity to be so fucking ridiculous
exactly funny on purpose like it's not a good
movie but like it's ridiculous i can't i can't
say because i never saw wild wild west i watched
when i know it's i know what the level it sits
at and like people's minds yeah so i just imagined
it because i know the about the giant mechanical
spider yeah yeah and the dynamite guns And then
they have the weird tortured disc things. They
put it around their necks and the saw blades
are magnetized to the discs. It's fucking weird.
Ulysses Grant is also in Wild Wild West. He is,
that's true. Is he played by the same guy? No.
Kevin Kline plays him at one point in Makeup.
I don't remember who plays Grant in Wild Wild
West. Aiden Quinn was the guy who played Grant
in Jonah Hex. So, I'm curious if Aiden Quinn
was the same... No, I don't want wild weather.
Grant was played by... Nope. You're gonna lose.
You're gonna lose. Yeah, because I'm not going
that fast. Okay, fair. But you're still going
to lose. Wow, I can't even find that out. Ooh,
he got it wiped from his record. Yeah, obviously
I'm going to cut the space in between. Played
by... Back again. You're still not finding it.
Oh, no, it's Kevin Kline. Kevin Kline played
both? Oh, he did? Yeah, I didn't realize it was
both of him both times. Alright. So, yeah. All
right. Cool. It's Kevin Kline as Ulysses S. Grant.
Kevin Kline. It's fine. He's great. Yeah. It
works. Yeah, fine. Kevin Kline is not a problem
in this movie. Yeah, fine. You've never seen
it. I haven't seen it. I can't say. I'm literally
just saying, yeah, fine. I don't know. Obviously,
Jonah Hex is not something we're going to watch
again. Okay. Yes. I agree with that. It is definitely
not something we're going to watch again in the
near future. And on that bombshell. Yeah. Well,
all right. I guess that does it. I'm a little
sad that I own this on DVD. You know, you can
play a fun prank on your friends with it. I feel
like I'd almost secretly say, like, I don't put
it past you. Yeah, well, no. I did too, actually.
I will say it's definitely not the worst thing
you own. What's the worst thing I own? Transylvania
is worse than this, man. You think Transylvania
is worse? We totally missed the conversation.
We just talked about this. We literally said,
is Transylvania worse? You said it was better.
But it is, but it isn't, right? Like, I don't
know. You know, we can't have it both ways. Are
you a sandal? I am a sandal. Because you're flip
-flopping. It's true. You're right. What are
you doing? No, you're right. It's better that
you're on Transylvania. You're right. This is
probably... Transylvania was better. Yeah, you're
right. Because you can laugh at it. Yes. And
I said this much 20 minutes ago. Yeah. Or whatever.
No, it's... 40 minutes ago now. Lay off the juice,
hon. The juice is all I have. Alright, so that's
Game for a Movie, where we ask, are you game
for a movie? Next week is going to be Game for
an Intervention, where we talk about Andre's
intervention. I don't have a problem. I love
the show Intervention. Can't wait. I've been
your host, Mike. Enjoy. Bye. Andre? Are you questioning
your own name? Lay off the sauce, buddy. Andre,
your drinking hurts me at night. Just say no.
See you next time on Game for a Movie.