You know what that sound means it's another episode
of game for a movie where we ask are you game
for a movie? My name is Mike. I am joined by
I'm not. I'm second. This is amazing. I knew
it as soon as I set it to I knew what was going
to happen and I was just ready for the chaos.
Okay, well off to a great start. Hey, what are
we drinking today? I will start. I have an advent
calendar for Nine breweries? Seven or nine breweries,
something around there. Every day is a different
brewery and a different beer. Today is Goose
Island IPA, which is a classic, especially for
the Chicago boy. I basically grew up drinking
Goose IPA, so it was a much joyous occasion when
I found out that was the one coming. A pleasant
surprise. A pleasant surprise. Much joyous occasion,
I don't know. Jill, we'll go to you first. Well...
Oh, okay fine. Andre? The Cleve? Nice. This is
yesterday's beer, right, Jill? Because we didn't
have a chance to drink it. No, you're right.
This was day four. It's not even a beer. It's
a hard cider. It's a mango mimosa hard cider
with notes of mango, citrus, and apple. It smells
very sweet. I'm going to go ahead and give it
a sip here. Likewise. It is pretty sweet. It's
definitely, this almost tastes like a seltzer,
like a hard seltzer, more than a cider. But it's
sweet. Flavors to me, like cancel everything
out and it just tastes like nothing. Okay. It's
an easy drinker, that's for sure. Yeah, it's
an easy drink. Nice. Nice, well that sounds good.
So that's what we are drinking today. What we
are watching... It's bad movie time. Yay! I love
a bad movie. It's the only one I don't have to
watch it. Yeah, right. This bad movie... I found
on many of the worst Christmas movies of all
time list It is the 1996 classic Santa with muscles
Yes, Santa with muscles You know exactly what
you're walking into especially when you see the
cast because the main character is Hulk Hogan
There's Don Stark in it and then there's a very
young Mila Kunis in it as well That's what blows
my mind. I don't follow wrestling that much.
Was this peak Hulkamania for Hulk Hogan? I think
it'd be after. I think this would be after, yeah.
When you said that you were watching this and
you mentioned who, I think you just said it was
Hulk Hogan and a young Mila Kunis. My brain did
not connect all of that and I did not realize
it was set in the 90s even though a young Mila
Kunis would be young in the 90s. Right, yeah.
Yeah, and then um, it's also Don Stark's in it
as well He he and Mila both were in that 70s
show after This was kind of like I guess the
launching point for that And there's also in
a very very young and very minor role for Brenda
song as well And I love Brenda song because she
was able to pull Nicole E. Culkin out of his
funk So I am forever a Brenda Song fan. Those
kid -child stars stick together, you know. Exactly.
So I guess let's jump into it. God, alright.
I'm gonna take a big drink before I jump into
it completely, though. Take a hearty swig first,
man. Do you want to give us a synopsis before
you actually go into your play -by -play or just
let it go? Sure, I'll do that. An evil entrepreneur...
begins to believe he's Santa Claus after an accident
renders him an amnesiac. That is the IMDB description
that I remember, because I did not just pull
it up, actually, but I'm pretty confident that's
what it is. Right. That he's thinking you, Santa.
Yep. Right. Exactly, yep. So, we start this movie
with the young girl Elizabeth, who is not Mila
Kunis. This is the young girl. She is writing
a letter to Santa, basically saying, I want some
joy this year, can you save the orphanage I live
in? Oh. That is the start. Of course, they're
orphans. Yes, that is the start of the movie.
and then it goes to Hulk Hogan who is Infiltrating
this house it looks like and he starts beating
up these people that are definitely like There's
a chef. There's a gardener There's a butler and
you just see like him just go to town beating
all these guys and everything like that well
They all work for him He pays them to do this
every now and then to see how long he can last
while seven guys basically attack him Yeah, right
his name is Blake Thorne He runs a yeah, Blake
Thorne is actually I like that name I think I
think it's a good name Yeah, well you don't know
what he's an entrepreneur of yet and you learn
nope he is a bodybuilding entrepreneur Mass building
and yeah, pretty much like healthy Yes, exactly
and like he his face is on everything and like
the first thing we see is They bring like bulk
powder to him and he's just like my face isn't
big enough on this But the whole time basically
he's doing bro voice which drives me insane So
like they show them the bulk powder he's just
my face isn't big enough on that And so it's
just like it's over -the -top like macho man
acting There's something let me tell you You
can probably guess where this movie is going
down for the most of it And then there's things
that completely throw it on its head So basically
they decide to hop out of there and they're going
to go paintballing so they hop in like this big
Humvee with a bunch of motorcycles and they're
just like shooting each other while they're driving,
which is great and There's no rules to this paintball
game. They're just going wherever and like shooting
people with paintballs. The only rule No is not
how paintball works They are wearing, so Hulk's
team is wearing pink bandanas on their head,
and the other team is wearing blue bandanas on
their head. That's it. They're obviously speeding.
This cop sees them and just goes, terrorists!
And starts driving after them. What? Yeah, he
calls them terrorists. But this is a pre -911
world, so I guess that word was more commonly
thrown around. Yeah, right. So basically Hulk
decides to... fire his paintball gun at the cops
and like crashes one of the cars and he has rules
for everything and he says like to the chef guy
what would we what would we have without rules
and the chef goes like fun and the butler goes
chaos and that's his thing is he has rules so
this is essentially zombie land where he has
rules for survival The reason that's important
is because the one guy tries to get him to pull
over and he goes rule 20 never surrender and
so then he Like basically rolls out of the Humvee
just leaving it to go along and runs away So
he goes to the mall that's where he wants to
go to hide out It flashes to a different place
which is like this mansion that has these like
blowing steam caskets and stuff where it's obvious
it's the bad guy. His name is Ebner Frost. Because
it is a Christmas movie after all. And he has
a man tied upside down that's getting tortured
because he won't sell his shoe store. He's trying
to buy up the shoe store, we don't know why so
he invites his doctors to Basically torture the
man. There's dr. Blight who's the the second
-in -command? Oh, it gets worse don't worry,
there's dr. Flint who's a geologist Dr. Vile,
the chemist. And Mrs. Watt, the physics electrocutioner.
She gets five minutes of screen time. I'm not
joking. Like, it's bad. Dr. Vile - Dr. Vile also
at first they announce he's Canadian, but he
looks like he's supposed to be an awful Asian
stereotype Like he does buck teeth and he kind
of squints a lot But they say he's Canadian so
it's okay Yeah, right exactly it's it's It's
tough because I don't think they ever mentioned
that he's Asian or anything like that But it's
immediately where my mind went because that's
what he was doing So basically they start torturing
him and then it flashes back to the mall So Hulk
is wearing these like fatigues. So it's very
obvious that he is who he is, you know Meanwhile
we meet Lenny an elf who's played by Don Stark
Lenny has a Brooklyn accent and Basically, he
owes money to Ebner Frost That's all we know
at this point Hulk finds the Santa suit and decides.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do this and hide out. So
nobody's gonna know it's me So he's what the
police follow him they run into him and they're
just like oh Santa we're sorry blah blah blah
We're looking for this guy. Have you seen him?
obviously the same person they're talking to
but It's not apparent until he turns around and
his fatigues falls out of a Santa suit. And they're
like, oh no, Santa Fraud! Santa Fraud? Yeah,
Santa Fraud. Oh, that sounds like a horrible
spin -off name. Yep, yep, that's terrible. He
hides in a garbage chute to avoid them. And basically
they just dump garbage on him for a scene just
to make you laugh and everything. And finally
he gets hit with something that knocks him down
the chute. and he runs his head into the garbage
can ouch so he doesn't know who he is he's knocked
out Lenny finds him and is just like oh this
is our drunk Santa okay I'll get him up there
but then he notices he's knocked out so he's
like oh I'm gonna look at his wallet and steal
his money he finds out it's Blake Thorne and
he's just like oh I'm gonna use his ATM card
I'm gonna get all the money I can But it gets
better because one of the things spotted in the
wallet is a blockbuster card and it made me giddy
Right At this point I have hit my first ads because
I was watching this on 2b So it was completely
free except for you had to watch ads every time
and it made it feel even longer This movie was
a svelte our 37 But all right after the ads basically
he keeps hitting his head he's hit his head like
ten times already and I guess Yeah, exactly Exactly
Exactly, um One of the kids that sits on his
lap during the scene where it's like obvious
Okay, we got to have you be Santa and like all
these unruly kids one of the kids is Brenda song
So that's her part on this whole thing. That's
it. She's gone now. There's two guys that are
like obviously 40 that are supposed to be teens
Yes, they decide that there's a fundraiser to
support the mission or the orphanage and They
decide they're gonna steal the money because
the person watching it is asleep So everything
starts going to hell because they drop the bull
and like the money starts spilling everywhere
Obviously Santa slash Blake Thorne notices so
he has to intervene and there's like this horrible
karate scene between these two 40 year old teenagers
and a man named Santa Claus that's way too ripped
for both of them I believe so yes So the best
part though so one of the guys grabs a candy
cane from Santa's Wonderland and Like out of
the background somebody goes watch out. He's
got a candy cane Yeah, you can tell it's like
an overexcited extra It was literally the best
part of this entire movie. So basically he dispatches
the 40 year old teens and then he realizes he
sees the mission and he's like I'm not supposed
to be here I need to be there instead and like
help them out Because that's what Santa does
That's what I'm thinking too like they made him
an avenging spirit versus like Santa Claus. Well,
I guess maybe because they didn't want to have
to deal with the rigmarole of him trying to learn
how to get flying reindeer. So this at least
grounds him into more probable situations. Well,
I'm glad you brought that up because they bring
up, he's like, I need to get to the mission.
Where's my sleigh? And Lenny goes, it's in the
shop. Hop on this instead. So they have a scooter
that's like way too small. so that Lenny and
Hulk Hogan can just be on the scooter for humor's
sake. Is it like a Vespa or is it like a Razor
scooter? It's like a Vespa, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah,
yeah, sorry. Like a Vespa. Yeah, I should have
specified. No pedal action, okay, got it. Yeah,
exactly. It's electric engine, blah, blah, yeah.
It's like a golf cart, essentially. Okay. So
we flash back to the scene at the mansion. Haven't
mentioned this yet, but frost is like a germaphobe
so he doesn't deal with any of the torture himself
He stays in his house like locked up and like
make sure everyone's sanitized Basically they
get this shoe store owner to admit that he's
selling and now the only thing standing in their
way is Santa? Santa with muscles? The orphanage.
And oh, the children. Yes, the orphanage. The
parentless children. Yes. So we go to the mission.
Dr. Blight and the doctors are all there and
Dr. Blight is like hitting on the main orphanage
mom whose name is Leslie. Oh, okay. It's creepy
and like supposed to be creepy. It's not supposed
to be like anything other than that. Sweet. Yeah,
exactly. There's also Clayton, who's like the
attendant of the place, and like you'd recognize
Clayton. Clayton's been in a bunch of stuff.
I'm gonna look this up. I'm on the Wikipedia
page right now. You'll recognize him. It's just
bad that the only Clayton I'm thinking of is
the one from Yeah, he's been in a bunch of stuff,
including a cab driver and Ant -Man. Apparently
that's one of his most big roles, according to
MDV. I don't get that. I've seen him in other
things. He's just been in a bunch of TV, I feel
like. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, his main stint,
he was on Two Broke Girls for a while. So, they
basically are, like, messing with them and everything
like that. By the way, they drive an ice cream
truck. Of course they do. I don't know why. That's
never explained. Because of Lindsey. I guess.
Well, so to threaten them they Tear down the
statue outside the orphanage with their ice cream
truck like pull it down and Clayton is just like
I'm going to stop them and so he like runs in
front of the car the ice cream truck and starts
like waving his hands at them and it's not like
stopping motion, it's just waving his arms, like
he's a wacky inflatable arm man. Okay, alright.
And so he just starts doing that, well of course
they're like, we're gonna run him down. Luckily,
Santa with muscles is able to grab the chain
and pull the ice cream truck back and save Clayton's
life. Wait, he pulls like the rock in Hobbs and
Shaw, he just like pulls back a moving vehicle?
Yep. Yep. Oh my god. So... Basically they get
into like an altercation, but no fight yet and
he just sends them on their way and they're like
we're gonna be back in three days because That's
what we want to do Yeah, right Three shopping
days left till Christmas they put a sign in there
Which is why I thought they were like making
a mall or something or like That's what it completely
throws me off with this whole thing because there's
it goes crazy So he goes into the orphanage to
like talk with them and everything like that.
There's only three kids and They throw they throw
a line away like we were able to find homes for
the rest of them Well, and then and then little
kid Taylor goes yeah, we're just the leftovers
and throws a little fit and runs to his room
Totally empty except for Leslie Clayton and the
three kids who are Elizabeth Taylor and Sarah
Sarah's played by music Right exactly Well, they
just care about that so basically they offer
Santa They're just like we're gonna we're gonna
provide you dinner. You can stay with us that
kind of stuff Which is funny because the only
pajamas they have is like a monk's robe that
Hulk wears and a bunny suit that Lenny wears.
And that's their PJs. The next day, they are
eating breakfast. There is a newspaper on the
table that says Santa with muscles. Roll credits
number one. Yeah, but wouldn't they have gone
for a much more snappy moniker, like the zodiac
killer or something like that? Nope. Chanto with
muscles. That's it. But meanwhile, they're also
eating cereal Blake -Os that have Blake Thorne's
face on the box. And literally, when he realizes
at first and is just like, I can't let him know
who he is, I'm trying to steal his money, so
he just pours his cereal. on his eggs and starts
like mashing them in the eggs so that he can
throw the cereal box out. No, he realizes he
realizes it like there's a scene where he realizes
like he has a mustache underneath He doesn't
have the full beard and blah blah blah It's a
weird little scene and he actually walks out
in the morning without it on and everybody's
like Elizabeth's gonna freak because Santa doesn't
have his beard on and Exactly yes, but it literally
Elizabeth just like passes over it Uh, he throws
away a line of basically, I only wear the beard
for deliveries because Mrs. Claus thinks it tickles.
Ooh. Yeah. Is that a sex joke? I guess, maybe.
She thinks it tickles. Yeah. Uh, meanwhile Lenny
steals his glass after breakfast because the
ATM machine has a thumb scanner. What? It also
has a voice system so he like puts in the card
and it's like, welcome, Mr. Thorne. Please do
thumb scanner. And then he like puts the glass
on there and they're like, this is your right
thumb. We need your left thumb. I love these
horse hijinks. Yes, exactly. Also, Sarah has
made adjustments to his Santa suit. She cut the
arms off so the muscles can be out and she made
it a v -neck. And she also cut his pants to make
them shorts because it's California Exactly exactly
and um so Clayton also has a line where he's
just like I'm proud of you kid to Hulk and Like
Hulk's like what? What are you talking about?
And Clayton's just like, I'm proud of you. And
we obviously know - Clayton knows who he is,
but is not saying anything because movie, so...
We don't know what's going to happen yet. They
make Taylor feel inferior, so he decides he's
going to take on the bad guys. And so, Lenny's
- Lenny and Hulk are like, we need to go get
him. It's all of a sudden nighttime. I don't
know how that happened, but we just have a time
jump. There's scientists all over this mansion
area, and it is the funniest thing because you
can tell they were given no dialogue. They walk
past them and it's just like, if you quantify
this data, you get results. Dr. Blight has a
nasal strip in some scenes, but loses it in others.
And basically they get to Lenny or they get to
Taylor and he like forces Lenny to take him off
and he's trying to learn what's happening and
so he's just sitting there and Like they're describing
their whole plot and they're they're going we
need the orphanage because it's the last place
and then we can have the excavators get to get
it out and I'm thinking Okay, there's a safe
or a vault under the orphanage or something?
Yeah, like, what are we going for here? It just...
Nothing happens. So Hulk's back at the orphanage.
They're talking about what could possibly be
under the orphanage and the kids are just like,
oh, you mean the vault? Yeah, the vault. It's
like our clubhouse. What? Okay. So the kids can
actually just go in the vault. Yeah, they know
they know what's under there. It's under the
catacombs Yes, the catacombs It's a church It's
California. I don't know where I guess Yeah,
the church is the orphanage the church is the
orphanage and it has catacombs So at this point
in time, I'm going to hold the suspense because
we need to take a break I know but I can't I
can't wait to tell you I can't wait to tell you
what's in the orphanage or in the vault We have
a special shout out on this episode for our friends
and pulling up their accounts so I can tell you
more about them Our friends the all -night drive
-in picture show Their podcast celebrating the
good the bad the artistic and the absurd of drive
-in movies and culture hosted by Ryan and Charles
We have their promo here. You can hear it here
We will be right back to tell you about what's
in the vault for Santa with muscles What if You
owned your own drive -in an open -air theater
outside of time and space You could show anything
you want You could pair together any movies you
want Regardless of genre Regardless of when they
were made regardless of quality. If you could
own such a theater, if you could do whatever
you wanted, you certainly wouldn't do it like
this. Over and over who is this guy think he
is Kubrick Fincher? Who's this guy? Are you ready
for me to read this mr.. Hitchcock? Is the bird
gonna on my shoulder in this scene too. He's
a plastic bird. He doesn't even make it on his
own The all -night drive -in picture show available
now at a podcatcher near you Alright, we're back.
So, you guys want to know what's in the vault,
right? Yeah, what's in the goddamn vault? I almost
said Vox. Vox. What's in the Vox? So, they open
the vault and there are these crystals everywhere.
Oh, crystals. Christmas crystals, yeah. Christmas
crystals? Is this part of the Christmas tradition?
Yeah. Oh, they do. No, it's just crystals. We
don't we don't know anything about them except
for that they just glow and they're the light
weird and basically There was a scene earlier
that I just skipped because it didn't really
care about it Where Elizabeth is explaining if
you sing just right the windows are magic and
they make different colors Well, they find out
that the crystals are the reason why? Right well
Elizabeth says it's fairies so you're not you're
not off on that But so Taylor is holding one
and he drops it and it explodes and The and Leslie
goes Billy be careful and I had to rewind Because
I swore she said Billy and I'm right. She said
Billy They didn't change the edit so Billy slash
Taylor just almost died because this exploding
crystal So Lenny is off in the catacombs because
he like got scared by the explosion his cell
phone, which is like three feet tall goes off
and And basically Ebner Frost is like you've
got to do this otherwise We're going to like
kill you because the orphanage stands in our
way Yes, right Well, I just want to know where
he had this thing because he's wearing his elf
costume And I don't think that thing has pockets
and it gets even more absurd Yeah, right gets
even more absurd in a second because he basically
decides he needs to let Santa know who he is
Exactly so Lenny pulls Santa off to the side
and basically He admits that he's Blake Thorne.
He also just happens to have his fatigues jacket.
And I don't know where he got this, I don't know
where he had it, but all of a sudden he just
has it, and he gives it to him, and he's just
like, you're Blake Thorne. And... What? Like
any D &D player, he pulled it from his bag of
folding. Yeah. Does he just like, give you like
a, does it give you like a sudden, give him a
sudden like flash like, oh, I'm Blake Thorne,
woah! No He's dealing with it for a while. He
actually stays behind and is like dealing with
this newfound information It actually this was
okay. Like it's not immediate change of oh, I'm
Blake Thorne. That's right I am evil entrepreneur
guy. Why am I helping these fucking kids blah
blah blah? She's literally sitting there like
conflicted. I'm Santa, but he's telling me I'm
not like that kind of stuff And only the way
that Hulk Hogan can because you know he can't
act worth shit Exactly, but then I realized why
he's sitting there by himself Because dr. Blight
is there to take on the other six kids or the
other six people and like hold them off to the
side it's just dr. Blight by himself and So,
like, Hulk comes out of the catacombs, realizes
what's happening, and starts fighting Dr. Blight.
This leads to an awkward fight scene with many
lines of dialogue. Including... Including my
favorite. I have a Christmas wish, Santa. Get
out of my life! And then, so they keep fighting,
they run off, they get to the bell tower, and
he basically... Yes. The bell tower of the church.
No, it does not happen there's really besides
the fact that it's Santa there's like no mention
of Christmas pretty much And then there's a fake
Santa in the bell tower that is being controlled
by frost that basically grabs Santa and throws
him off the bell tower And dr. Blight says Santa
you slay me So he falls off the bell tower But
he just happens to land in a garbage truck that
happens to pass by and he hits his head on Blake
Thorne protein powder Well, so he wakes up and
remembers who he is Yes, well he he's in so he
doesn't wake up right away Basically, they found
him at the dump, they got him home, his butler's
there, and he wakes up and he's just like, oh
what a horrible dream, I thought I was Santa,
but I know I'm Blake Thorne. He throws off the
blanket and he's wearing his Santa suit. And
he's like, oh it was not a dream. But this is
what I find interesting. He disappeared for days.
And he has like this butler, the chef, like all
of these people that don't know that he's Gone
like they don't look for He's rich he's got a
mansion Yeah, exactly and so I just don't get
that But basically like he's he's sad and everything
like that. So he calls Leslie But of course frost
has the line tapped and he makes it Seem like
she doesn't want him. She's like you disappeared
you left us. We don't want you go away blah blah
blah, so he's just like depressed Eating his
like Gross health food stuff Right well that
was always that's also one of the scenes where
she Elizabeth brings him milk and cookies, and
he's like this is fat free right not knowing
that he's Not Santa you know So the doctors are
going to take over the place frost comes out
and like this like The like CDC suit when there's
like an outbreak or something like that but basically
he goes to the mine and He puts miners caps on
all of the children. He's like you guys are going
to get the crystals for me muahahaha super evil
so basically Blake is like no I'm going to go
help them I don't care that they don't want me
I'm going to go help them so he puts on this
black uniform and his Santa hat and he has his
like chef and his butler and his gardener all
come and help him of course they pass the cops
who are just like the terrorists are back Yes,
they're still in it. Oh it gets worse so one
of the cops somehow has a rocket launcher He
has a rocket launcher out of nowhere Well, so
he fires the rocket this is the worst CGI rocket
ever like Somebody just put fire on, like, the
screen so it looks like it's firing. Okay. And
basically the rocket goes past them and hits
another cop car with, like, the incompetent leader
of the cops and blows up his car. Who's approving
this police's defense budget? Like, holy shit,
man. A rocket launcher. And they can't even fire
it right. Right. Right? Exactly. Oh my god. So
the Humvee like jumps the cops that are making
like a blockade and then they go to the mission
and the cops I Guess stop for coffee because
they're gone for a while until the very end of
the film For some reason so his group goes into
the church they find the secret like the back
entrance and they kind of like They make like
home alone traps kind of thing like they they
Do something to the doorknob so the one guy gets
taken out and blah blah and like these are all
nameless goons at this point so they're just
like Home alone scooby -doo montage to get him
rid of these guys He gets to the main church
and mrs. Watt is there and so they're having
like this big showdown and like obviously he's
getting shocked and he's just like I don't know
what to do blah blah blah and all of a sudden
out of nowhere Lenny hops from the top of the
church pews like the top level and he goes I've
made my choice I'm going to help he pours this
bucket of water on Mrs. Watt and she just basically
dies like Yeah, this is a PG movie and like they
show her get electrocuted Yeah We don't really
know I Know like we this was a movie of one liners
and we missed the one opportunity the best opportunity
for this I can't remember where this line comes
in because it was so good though. Clayton's the
best of this movie. That's the plain and simple
thing of it. I think he just like Pushes the
door into a guy and knocks him out and Clayton
goes like well all you had to do was knock or
something like that Clayton's the best so it's
Clayton and Blake they're they're talking Um,
they have the kids, they have Leslie, basically
he's told them to go hide somewhere, but Clayton's
like, sit down, we're gonna talk. Fun fact, Blake
grew up at the orphanage. Exactly. Well, and
so he has this picture, and he's just like showing
him, and he's like, that's you. Do you know who
that is? That was your best friend ebner frost
Plot twist I'll be honest the way this movie
was going it was pretty obvious that he grew
up in the orphanage I was actually thrown by
the fact that his best friend was ebner frost
I didn't think like I didn't think they would
make it. Oh, you're related to the enemy all
along But apparently that's what they wanted
to do No, they don't like they don't ever address
this It's just he doesn't remember that he was
an orphan and like Clayton knew him when he was
younger because Clayton's been there forever
So I don't understand how this was not known
That's why Clayton was like, you know, I'm proud
of you, kid. I'm proud of you, kid. Yeah, exactly.
Like, he knew who he was. You know what I'm talking
about. Yeah. You know it is. Exactly. Like, did
his parent, like, I mean, so he clearly, well,
I guess, no, it's not. So it's not clear to me
if he got adopted and then left or if he ran
away and then made his way or he aged out of
the system. Nothing was ever said. What? Nothing
was ever said. Oh, my God. They can't do that
to us. Right. We deserve to know Blake Thornton's
tragic backstory. Or Abner Frost's for that matter.
Yeah! Wait, why is he angry? Yeah. Well, so he
wants the crystals. That's what it is. We don't
know why. We never learned why he wants these
crystals. Because they glow when you sing. Yeah,
apparently. So they start taking out the nameless
goons and everything and they have duct tape.
I don't know where the duct tape comes from either.
They all of a sudden just have duct tape. Yes,
well Leslie and the kids are in the kitchen and
dr. Blight of course shows up and he's being
extra creepy to Leslie But the kids are like
behind him. So he doesn't know they're there
So she like plays into it and is like trying
to get them out of there So she starts like flirting
back with him in this cringe -worthy scene The
kids open the freezer and Taylor sticks his foot
out And basically, she pushes him over his foot
into the freezer and they lock him in there and
they're so happy like, yeah, we did it! Dr. Blight's
a fuck! He can go away! Yes. Although he doesn't
die, we do see him at the end. Um, meanwhile,
like they all meet up at the mine, or the cave,
or the vault, or whatever they're calling it,
vault, with the crystals. And Frost is in there
and he's like... Alright, I guess I have to do
this myself. So he pulls out a crystal from the
thing and mind you when Billy slash Taylor held
the Crystals and dropped it it exploded He pulled
out a long crystal and now it's strong enough
for a sword fight So him and Hulk have a sword
fight Crystal the crystal he found another one
So they both got long crystals. They're both
having a crystal sword fight. Yeah. Of course.
And like it dropped and it exploded. These are
now hitting each other and they're not exploding.
What the fuck, movie? Learn your physics. Make
your rules and stay into the universe with me.
Stay in your lane, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you
just want a good crystal sword fight, you know?
Yes. Then you just spice it up. Well, so he beats
him up. Lenny has duct -taped the the geologist
but Dr. Flint yes, Dr. Flint So they're all in
there and the energy from the crystals start
to build up and they're going to explode and
they're like we need to get exactly So they're
like we need to get out of here. So Santa with
muscles like grabs frost and lifts them out The
geologist is like the first one out of there
and he's duct taped together. I don't know how
he was so freaking Strong enough to do that,
but he just hops out of there and beats everybody
they all get out of the church except for a Couple
people are still left in there. I'm sure but
terrible CGI Just starts blowing up the mission
or it gets sucked into a vortex. I'm not sure
which but it just starts to happen and the The
church goes down. Well, now the kids don't have
a home at all. Well, exactly. How do I think
I know where this is going to go? I also have
a note about something about Christmas movie
in California just doesn't feel right because
there's like no snow. Like, it's not a Christmas
movie per se. I don't know. Um, so... Die Hard
takes place in California. That's true. That
is true. And that is my favorite Christmas movie.
So, yeah, you're right. You're right. Alright,
you're right, you're right, you're right. So
basically they're like all talking and they're
all sad and they're just, what are we gonna do
now? Our church is gone, meh, meh, meh. And of
course, Holt goes, I think I have a solution.
Oh, I bet he does. Here's the thing. I'm pretty
sure it's Ebner Frost's house. So I think he
just makes like an orphanage out of frost house
So like the three kids are there and they're
having like a party There's like a clown and
everything like that and he's still dressed like
Santa and blah blah blah But then there's also
like all these kids out of nowhere Like where
do these kids come from? But there's like 30
kids out of nowhere though Yeah, exactly and
the movie and so he throws his Santa hat onto
a bush and For some reason the bush like they
zoom into the Santa hat and then the credits
start to roll No, they definitely do not like
nothing happens it goes to black after a while
so I Watched the whole credits. There was nothing
no after credit scene But I can tell you one
last thing so after I finished that movie the
to be recommended Son of the mask for my next
watch so you can see what level this movie was
Is a bad movie. I think it's a movie that made
me hate Jamie Kennedy. Yeah, that's fair, honestly.
I mean, yeah, it's, uh, you know, can't knock
you for that. Right. Especially, well, after
Scream and Scream 2, I loved Jamie Kennedy, but
now if I were to go back to Son of the Mask,
I'd probably hate him again. He's also not very
good in, uh, Stephen King's, um, Dreamcatcher.
Fair. Yeah, and maybe I just hate Jamie Kennedy.
Also fair. Also very fair. Yeah That's Santa
with muscles there was like awkward laughing
the whole time and like Mila Kunis his voice
was way too powerful at that point where she
just awkwardly laughed and it was like taking
over, you know lots of lots of scenes of no dialogue
just Exactly well that was basically the end
where they were just kind of laughing like that
I got I got one more thing to say about it because
there's a there's a cute scene where Elizabeth's
just like you're not Santa and He's just like
I don't know what to say And she goes you're
better Better than Santa Cheesy goodness for
that's what makes it a Christmas movie if there's
no cheese. It's not a Christmas movie Yeah, so
On a scale of zero to five, and I have given
zeros before, I will give it a point five. I
do not have the Mitchell scale where you make
a movie, but I will still put it to the Mitchell
zero. Yeah. Point... It sounds bad. Yeah, this
sounded pretty bad. It didn't sound like... This
wasn't Yoga Hosers. I hate to invoke the cursed
film. No, it was not Yoga Hosers. It was not
meaning to be a good movie. It was meant to be
a cheese fest, like you can laugh at with your
kids, you know? And that's the thing, exactly,
you just said it. Sometimes there are kid movies
that are bad, but they're bad because they're
not meant for kids. It's because they know the
adults are in the room. And then there are kids
movies that are like, well, they figure that
their kids will just jingle some keys in front
of them and that's all they need. And it's like,
okay. Congrats, you made a movie, but you made
it for the lowest denominator. Exactly. It did
not go out thinking like, and especially with
Yoga Hoosiers, Yoga Hoosiers was just a slap
to the face. I know I always say that, but it
just was. You went out and made a mean movie
because you're mean. This was trying its best
to capitalize on Hulk Mania, to capitalize on,
you know, just cute Christmas generic kids movie.
It's the same thing with like Jingle All the
Way. Jingle All the Way has a terrible Rotten
Tomato score, but it's a movie we loved as kids.
You know? It could - Jingle All the Way could
be a bad movie on our show by the scale. But
we all know that it's better than the scale,
you know? I don't know. Yeah, this one was not
great and it's very hokey acting and very rough.
At least it had some good lines. I did like the
one -liners. That's always fun. But, yeah. If
the one -liners are decent, then it means you
can laugh at it rather than actively hate it.
I also don't know if I brought up, so the scientist's
main weapon was they had straight edges and they
just kept like slapping the straight edges. What?
Yeah, look they had like the you know like the
thing in the straight edge like that Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah They fully built in that they
were the scientists But yeah, it was um that
was something else that was We never get reason
like why he wants it or how he put together his
crew Nope, or anything like where did he meet
these people college? Nope. Yeah, we have no
clue Yeah So, and literally the crystals, we
have no clue why he wants them, we just knew
he wanted them and he bought up everything around
so he could dig up the whole thing. Um, yeah.
Oh no, there was actually, you know what, there
was a throwaway line. He did it for money. He
did it for money. He did it for money, yeah.
That's as good of a motivation as any, I suppose.
I guess it's better than no motivation. I think
it was during the sword fight, so I didn't make
a note of it because the sword fight was just
so ridiculous. Right. And the crystals like just
pulling they pulled out these long crystals just
so they could have a sword fight Yeah, yeah,
so that was Santa was a muscles Yep, so that
was our bad movie episode I got nothing more
to say on it I don't know if this is the worst
Christmas bad movie I've seen I'm wondering,
what's the worst Christmas bad movie you've seen?
Just to like, have a discussion before we close
up. Oh, gosh, that's fun. The, uh... Christmas
tree, I think is what it's called? There's this
really badly animated movie also about an orphanage
that is miserable and there's a Christmas tree
and it's just not good. It's bad. I need to look
this up. I feel like I might be stepping on some
toes here, but I remember there's like some sort
of animated special. There was a grandma got
run over by a reindeer? Oh yeah, grandma got
run over. That is a thing. You just play on Cartoon
Network all the time. It was on Cartoon Network.
It was a fucking lawsuit. Was it? What? There
was a lawsuit in that. Because they probably
didn't get permission to use the scene. No, no,
no, no, no, no. I meant like in the actual episode
itself, there was like a lawsuit. Yeah, they
sue Santa. Yeah, they sue Santa. They sue Santa.
Because of damages. What happens is grandma...
So she kind of goes along with it and then the
grandson Figures it all out that she didn't get
run over by Santa so they can remember Belle's
magical, Beauty and the Beast's magical Christmas.
That's bad. So I have something about Grandma
Got Run Over by a Reindeer, because it's a weird
little segue, and I feel like the people will
love this. The evil, conniving daughter, granddaughter.
I don't know what the, uncle, aunt, niece, I
don't know. Yeah, that was like my sexual awakening
to redheads. Oh, she is a redhead. Yeah, like
she looked good for a cartoon. Ms. Bellum from
Powerpuff Girls? No, it wasn't Blossom. No. No.
Or I said Ms. Bellum, not Blossom. Oh, Ms. Bellum.
Oh yeah. Well, oh yeah, Ms. Bellum. Yes, that
too. Oh my god, yes. Yeah, Redheads are the best.
So evil. Yeah, she's evil. And like, it's not
her personality, it's the way she looked. Right,
right. But yeah, I'm pretty confident that was
my sexual awakening to Redheads. Yeah, you're
welcome I told you I think people would want
to know that Yeah. So it's a Jinx -focused episode,
and he shows up and he's voiced by Michael Rosenbaum,
who also played Adult Slash and Lex Luthor on
Smallville. So it was just like, oh, yeah, fangirl.
Love it. Redheads are hot. All right. Andre,
do you have a sexual awakening to a Redhead story
you want to share? I mean, that's the thing I
was trying to think, and I was like, I'm coming
up empty, guys. I'm sorry. I don't have any juicy
goss. I don't know. Not into the redheads as
much blue haired people Not to get super weird
Lula Bunny was just so over the top. Lula Bunny
was on purpose, yeah. Yes, exactly. I was on
purpose. Oh my god. Gadget was accidentally hot
as fuck. Right, that's it, right. Was it the
jumpsuit? Yeah, maybe. You know, a capable STEM,
you know, STEM female lead, right? She was the
engineer, right? Yeah, she was the Gadget. She
was the Gadget person. I'm so excited for the
movie coming out, but yeah It's a movie I think
Yeah, probably probably Well, they'll do it for
this bad movie episode. I'm so glad we went on
that tangent Yeah, right. Oh, you're welcome
So I've been your host Mike. I've been joined
by Thank you very much for listening to Game
For A Movie. Where we ask are you, Game For A
Movie. We'll see you next time.