You know what that sound means? It's another
episode of Game for a Movie where we ask, are
you Game for a Movie? My name is Mike. I will
be your host this evening. It is going to be
a good one because this movie, A, and B, because
when I opened that beer, it just shot all over
my face. And yes, I realize somebody is probably
going to use that audio of shot all over my face
and do whatever they want with it. I don't care.
I've got beer in my face. I've got a great movie.
We need to talk. beer and movies. The beer I
have is from Wicked Weed Brewing in Asheville,
North Carolina. It is pernicious. This is a standard
around here. This is one that not always in my
fridge, but it feels like it finds its way into
my fridge more often than not. So pernicious,
fantastic IPA. It is 7 .3%, I think is what I
remember. Yes, 7 .3%. It is a fantastic beer,
especially if you like IPAs. This is one of my
go -tos. So, Pernicious, hey, it looks good across
your face. It is also 2 o 'clock on a Wednesday,
so today is going downhill fast. But yeah. Alright,
time for a movie. Yes, a bad movie at that. We've
got The Love Guru as our movie today. Basically,
the idea that... I have been doing this year
is when movies have been releasing, I have been
choosing an actor from those movies, kind of
finding their worst of their worst movies. I
had a lot of choices to go with. There's this
movie that came out last week called The King
of Kings. It is, I don't want to say your standard
fare, but it is an animated story of Jesus as
told by Charles Dickens and his family. As far
as I know, the movie's fine. I have no problem
with it. You know, that kind of thing. That's
what I know. I haven't seen it myself. But what
I do know is the cast list for King of Kings
is insane. There was a lot of names to choose
from. So I obviously went with the Love Guru.
This is because Sir Ben Kingsley is in the Love
Guru. He also is in King of Kings. I was also
stuck between Pierce Brosnan with Lawnmower Man.
I could have done Oscar Isaac for Suburbicon,
My Super Ex -Girlfriend and Uma Thurman. And
there also is this film, you probably haven't
heard of it, I know I haven't, but it looks terrible,
called Go Fish, and that has Mark Hamill in it.
But as I said before, we are doing The Love Guru.
The Love Guru. This is a movie that kind of killed
Mike Myers' career. For at least a little bit.
Now he's starting to get back out there. He's
a little more here, a little more there. Yeah,
this one, I understand why he had to disappear
for a little bit. The Love Guru sits at 13 %
critic score and 33 % audience score on Rotten
Tomatoes. It has a pretty solid cast. Some of
the names, I will get to... Their characters
and everything like that. But just reading the
names on this list. We've got Mike Myers. We've
got Jessica Simpson. Kanye. We've got Jessica
Alba. Justin Timberlake. Romani Malco. Verne
Troyer. Megan Good. John Oliver. Stephen Colbert.
Jim Gaffigan. Daniel Tosh is in this. A lot of
comedians. That's what I will say about that.
And that makes sense because this is a PG -13
comedy. It is also a romantic movie and a sports
movie. Yes, all three of those things. It's an
hour and 27 minutes long, and it released in
2008. One of the writers is Mike Myers, of course,
and the director is Marco Schnabel. Marco Schnabel
is known for this movie. He was a producer on
Austin Powers and Goldmember. This is the only
real directing credit he has to his name. A little
awards buzz about this movie. Yes, it has some
awards. Unfortunately, none of them really that
good. It won two Razzies. Actually, really, no.
It won three Razzies for Worst Screenplay, Worst
Picture, and Worst Actor. It also got nominated
for Worst Actress, Worst Supporting Actor twice,
and Worst Director. And then it also won, or
it was a nominee for Worst Movie of the Year
by the Golden Schmoes Awards. Yeah, that says
pretty much all you need to know about this film.
I will give a little warning before I go into
this movie. I, as a white guy, am going to dive
into a serious topic about white Washington films.
And we'll probably have more of this discussion
after the whole description of the movie, everything
like that. I just want you to know I'm not telling
you how you should feel about this. I'm not telling
you what you should think about this. I'm going
to give my opinion on it. And I think a lot of
people are going to agree with it. I don't think
I'm hiding anything with that. But just in case
I want it to be known, I'm just sharing my opinion.
It is going to be a serious topic at the end
of this about whitewashing of films. I'm not
going to go deep into it. But I am going to bring
up some of the stuff, some of the questions that
are raised because of movies like this. So just
a heads up, spoiler alert for the end. We're
going to talk about this movie in its entirety
without getting into that conversation probably.
So don't feel like I'm just glossing over it.
It is definitely a problem in this movie. So
there we go. Enough of a spoiler for that. I'm
going to give you the rest of the details for
2008's The Love Guru. So this movie starts as
all good movies should, and this is not a good
movie, but with a Morgan Freeman voiceover and
basically introducing the area that we're going
to see. But truthfully, it's just Guru Pitka
who is talking into a voiceover machine. So he
is creating this himself. Guru Pitka is, of course,
played by Mike Myers. Guru Pitka, he grew up
in Haramakister in India. Yes. This is the kind
of jokes that we're going to be dealing with
the entire time. It doesn't get much better.
There are some jokes that actually really hit,
and I do have some examples of that. But a lot
of what these jokes are are going to be huge
misses or just a chance to make as many penis
jokes as humanly possible. Before you get crazy
about this, he is not a stereotypical guru. He
actually grew up in America. He is darning the
look of the Indian gurus. but he doesn't really
speak with an accent. Sometimes he does, just
kind of picking up on it. He is not actually
the problem I have in this movie. There are some
things that are a lot worse. And then we get
the news position. It goes to Hockey Night in
Canada. It's our two hosts. The one host is Jay,
who is played by Stephen Colbert, and the other
is Trent, who is played by Jim Gaffigan. We get
a lot of them in between cuts and everything
like that. But basically, they're the Hockey
Night in Canada announcers, and they just give
a lot of details behind the scenes. It's very
narrator without being the narrator. They talk
about Darren Roanoke, who is our main hockey
player. He is played by Romani Malco. If you
don't know that name, you definitely have seen
him in something. Romani Malco has been in a
ton of different movies, stuff like that. He
was Jay. in The 40 -Year -Old Virgin, if that
helps. That's definitely one of the places I
recognize him from. He's in the Think Like a
Man movies. And also, he was in 87 episodes of
A Million Little Things. So if you saw A Million
Little Things, you definitely know who I'm talking
about. He plays Darren Roanoke. And he has broken
up with his wife, Prudence. His wife, Prudence,
is played by Megan Good. Megan Good, another
person that you've probably seen before if you've
seen the Shazam movies. You know Darla, the little
girl. Her adult superhero counterpart is played
by Megan Good. She was also in Cousin Skeeter
for 52 episodes. She's been in a ton of different
things. You probably have seen her somewhere.
So Megan Good, she plays Prudence. And Roanoke
ends things with Prudence. We don't know why,
but he ends things with Prudence. Now she is
dating Jacques Lecoq Grande. No, you did not
hear that wrong. It is Jacques Lecoq Grande.
He is a Canadian goaltender that happens to play
for the LA Kings, and he is played by Justin
Timberlake. I actually had a lot of fun with
this character because he was just, honestly,
probably 15 minutes of screen time, he was just
a cocky douche. It was fun to see Justin Timberlake
kind of play this goofy role like that. We are
getting all this information from our Hockey
Night in Canada announcers. And we also learned
that Jay, played by Stephen Colbert, apologizes
to the crowd because he is addicted to peyote
and frangelico. That's all you need to know.
That doesn't really go anywhere much, but that's
just something you need to know. Also, Jacques
Lecoq. Grande, if you didn't figure it out, Grande,
huge. Lecoq, huge. There's big dick jokes. He
has a big dick. That's the character development.
There you go. He has a big dick. Because of this
divorce, Roanoke starts having this tremor, and
he's not playing to his standard. He is the hot
shot in hockey, and he's not playing well because
of all this pressure and everything like that.
This is the main cause for why certain characters
get in touch with each other. We also get introduced
to the coach. The coach is Punch Cherkov, and
he is played by Vern Troyer. Yes, Vern Troyer,
mini -me from the Austin Powers movies. He is
there just to make short jokes. That is basically
the whole point of why he is there. The GM who
is having a problem trying to get Roanoke to
play well is Jane Bullard. She is played by Jessica
Alba. And we don't know this now, but I'm just
going to go into it. She inherited the team from
her father. And she's grown up around this team.
She is a savvy businesswoman and knows the sport.
This is not one of those like, oh, she doesn't
know the sport. She's a complete failure and
everything like that. She knows the sport. She
knows her shit. But she also goes the distance
of trying to get a love guru to fix Roanoke.
And so she does believe in some of these guru
things. And we learn even more so that she's
kind of obsessed with Guru Pitka. She has all
of his books. So she's really on board with the
guru thing. Her plan is to bring in the love
guru, try to fix Roanoke, and win the Stanley
Cup. That is the whole premise of the movie.
And this goes to our opening credit scene, which
is Guru Pitka in his ashram in Hollywood. He
is playing a sitar, and he's just kind of originally
strumming like a little, it could be an Indian
song, it could be just he's strumming along or
whatever, and then it slowly becomes 9 to 5 by
Dolly Parton. I actually really enjoyed the sitar
covers of some of these songs that they have
in this. I will talk a lot about those because
they're actually pretty solid. The 9 to 5 one,
pretty good. And as it's doing the opening credits,
it kind of shows his life at the ashram in Hollywood.
It also talks about like his success stories
with people like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Brad
Pitt and Angelina Jolie, which is just hysterical
to me now because some of these. We now know
not great love stories to be modeling yourself
after. We also meet Rajneesh, who is his assistant.
Rajneesh is played by Manu Narayan. Narayan hasn't
been in a whole lot. He's kind of more a bit
part. But he is the assistant of Guru Pekka.
At the end of the song, he announces that Richard
Pants is here. And Guru Pekka goes, ah, Dick
Pants. Again, remember how I said the humor is
every dick joke possible? Yes, Dick Pants, who
is played by John Oliver. He has news that Deepak
Chopra is still the number one spiritualist in
the United States and that he is number two.
And this kind of addresses that he always feels
below Deepak Chopra. And he's trying to get to
that next level. He wants to be the number one
spiritualist in the U .S. This is what he wants.
But he also has the news that Pitka will get
$2 million guaranteed if he's able to fix Roanoke
and Prudence. Another thing that Pitka wants
is he wants to get on Oprah like Deepak did.
Deepak got on Oprah and then his career kind
of launched. So Pitka is kind of like, if I get
on Oprah, everything will open up for me. And
so this is what he wants. He wants to help Roanoke.
He wants to make $2 million because who doesn't
want to make $2 million? And he wants to get
on Oprah. Now we get a flashback of him and Deepak.
They both learned under the guru, tug in my poodle.
This is where everything starts to get a little
okay. This is not okay. Guru Tug and My Buddha
is played by Sir Ben Kingsley, and he's cross
-eyed. He is a cross -eyed guru, and that's what
it is. It's not really beneficial to the story.
It's not important. He just has a goofy name,
and he is cross -eyed. And also in this flashback,
this is actually pretty funny to me. We learned
that Deepak and Guru Pitka both learned under
Tug of My Buddha. And the flashback is a young
boy's body, like 12 -year -old boy body. But
it's superimposed on Mike Myers' head and it's
huge. Like it's a bobblehead on top of this body.
And it's actually pretty funny to me. Pitka's
real name is Maurice. And we learned that his
parents had died. So this is how he ended up
with the gurus. And Tug in my Buddha asks him
what his parents did. And he says they were missionaries.
And what about before that? They were doggy stylists.
Ah, they were into doggy style and now missionary.
And they kind of laugh like Deepak laughs and
Tug in my Buddha laughs. Maurice kind of chuckles
and goes like, that's hilarious. My parents are
dead. Thanks. And honestly, that delivery, pretty
good. Pretty good. He asks, Tagamai Puda asks
why he wants to become a guru. And he wants to
become a guru so ladies will like him. So that
means that Tagamai Puda gives him a chastity
belt because he needs to learn self -love. He
needs to learn to love himself before he can
be with any women. And that is going to be a
reoccurring part of this entire thing, the chastity
belt. It's also shaped like an elephant. And
every time it's referenced, there's an elephant
like trunk going off. It's back to present day.
He's doing his bit is what I'll say. He's having
a session with all these people that are around
and everything, mostly females in the crowd.
And his holy words of affirmation are Mariska
Hargitay. So he says Mariska Hargitay all the
time. And his whole philosophy that he has is
the art of intimacy or into me I see. You know,
you have to look into me to see the love and
that kind of stuff. And he shows his gurus, like
Tagamai Puda was his guru who learned from, and
it's all like penis jokes. It's all more and
more penis jokes or worse. And it just keeps
getting worse and worse. And everything he does
comes with a price. Like he sold seats to this
thing. He tries to sell more books. He tries
to get people to buy things. So he's very money
driven. Some of the people in this crowd are
people like Jessica Simpson. Also Val Kilmer.
RIP Val Kilmer. But that's not the only people.
So if you thought it was just a joke that he
keeps saying Mariska Hargitay, she shows up too.
And... As a big donor to his guru styles, they
are actually going to start a Mariska Hargitay
Special Victims Unit ashram. So yeah, there's
that. That is it. That's all for Mariska Hargitay.
That's it. She's there and she's gone. So same
with Jessica Simpson and Val Kilmer. They were
only bit parts and gone. This is where Jane meets
with him. Punch Cherkov. Punch Cherkov. Did I
really just realize now? Punch Cherkov. I just
realized that, didn't I? Another penis show.
God damn it. Yeah. When he meets Jane, his third
eye opens and he sees them in like this Bollywood
love scene, you know, like with full, full subtitles
and everything. Like it's, it's a whole thing.
And then he comes, he like gets brought back
to present day where he's introduced to the coach.
And he very much has like this, like, you know
how in Austin Powers Gold member, he has the
mole conversation, like mole, mole, mole, like
that kind of thing. He kind of does that same
shtick where it's just, oh, shorty. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Short, short, short, short, short, that
kind of thing. Great. Like I said before, Vern
Troyer was just brought in to make short jokes,
but he agrees to help them. And they fly private
to Toronto. While they're flying, he's talking
about all of the plans he has and everything
like that. And he's constantly still promoting
books that he has written and everything. And
Jane, this is where we learn that she has read
all of the books, especially after her father
died. She found comfort in them. And she kind
of like brushes his hand. And then we hear like
a little metal sound. Yeah, still the Chastity
Belt. Just in case you were wondering. This also
brings about this other part. Jane is hated by
the city of Toronto. Like, hated. And it's because
ever since her father took over, team hasn't
won a Stanley Cup. And this is the first year
she really wants to win this because she wants
to get this monkey off her back, pretty much.
She even... has at the stadium like lines where
she can kind of see the game but the people can't
see her because as soon as they see her they
throw beer at her or something like that you
know so it's this is a big deal for her to try
to win so there's a lot riding on this basically
he wants to get Roanoke back with his wife because
you know love and everything like that he also
wants to help Jane so that she will fall in love
with him He wants his $2 million. He wants to
get on Oprah. All of these things all coincide
with this one case. So as soon as they land,
he goes to find Roanoke. And Roanoke is shooting
at an empty net. And he is not doing well. And
he realizes Pic is there for him. And he's just
kind of like, no, I don't need you. I don't need
you. None of this is because of my marriage.
It's just I got the yips or something like that.
I'm just going through some stuff. You know,
that kind of thing. And Pika's just like, great.
Well, that's awesome because my job is done anyway.
Prudence said she's going to get back with you.
And Roanoke's kind of like, really? And he starts
to shoot. Can't miss. He can hit anything he
wants to. He hits the targets that he has set
up in the net. Each one, one shot, one kill,
done. And then Pika goes, I'm joking. No, she's
not coming back. And then he tries to shoot again
and he just completely whiffs, you know, proving.
That Pitka is needed to help Roanoke. So the
first thing he wants to do is try to get him
to write an apology letter. And he's going to
deliver it to Prudence. So Roanoke writes this
apology letter. And Pitka and Rajneesh hop on
their elephant. Yes, they have an elephant that
they take around. They hop on their elephant
and they go to Jacques Lecoq's house. We now
get to see Jacques at home with Prudence. And,
like, once she gets home, he, like, gives her
a foot rub. He's talking about how great she
is, everything like that. Kind of a really good
doting boyfriend, actually. He also, like, is
singing Celine Dion. And this comes back. He's
a huge Celine Dion fan. I say he's a doting boyfriend,
but also I want it to be known that this is Justin
Timberlake with a mustache wearing, like, a...
lack of a better term a speedo pretty much his
cock is just out there like it's just those big
bulge there that you're just kind of seeing so
he's singing Celine Dion while giving Prudence
a calf massage trying to make her feel better
and Pika sneaks into the yard and gets attacked
by a guard cock yes LeCocq has a cock that is
a guard cock I knew I was going to talk about
penises a lot on this episode because you know
that's just That's what this movie is. I did
not realize I'd be saying this much about cock.
So, you know, cool. When he just, like, destroys
the guard cock, this is also the moment where
Jacques says he's going to make Prudence a Quebec
pizza. She goes, oh, what's that? He goes, a
Pop -Tart with the ketchup and walks away. So,
yeah. Grande walks away and Pitka kind of like
sneaks in, is able to get the letter to Prudence.
But Jacques also walks in on this happening.
So he's able to get the letter. She's able to
hide it. But basically Grande now knows that
Pitka is around and trying to get them back together.
So he's like being nice about it and takes Pitka
around the house. And then when they're out of
range from Prudence, they get into a fight. But
Pitka throws a smokescreen and escapes like it's
smokescreen. And then like way down there, he's
on his elephant with Rajneesh and they're riding
off. So where are they riding off to? You might
be asking yourself. Well, they've got a Toronto
ashram now and waiting there with his group is
Darren Roanoke. Pitka tells him to lose the group
and to walk in and he's going to walk through
what they're going to do. We learned during the
first session. before like with all the ladies
in the Hollywood ashram that he likes his acronyms
including like he makes one for Roanoke that
is uh be loving and open -hearted with my emotions
or blow me and of course this sets Darren off
and it just seems like this entire time Pitka
is just there to like piss off Darren like it
it doesn't feel like they're really friends They
do have some moments where they kind of are nice
to each other, but really it just feels like
he's there to piss them off. And he wants to
put Darren on his path of drama. Distract you
from your pain, regress you back to your childhood,
adjust negativity, mature you, and put it into
action. That is drama. And it's also tattooed
on his knuckles as like Blues Brothers style,
Elwood and Jake style. So the first part of this
is distract you from your pain. And we go back
to 15 years ago. Tug and My Pooda is teaching
distraction through a game of stink mop. Stink
mop is where Tug and My Pooda just pisses in
a bucket. They put the mops in the bucket, cover
it with piss, and now they have to fight each
other with these piss mops. The result of which
is Pitka getting hit with a stink mop. I don't
remember exactly what it was, but there was a
distraction in there. So yeah, there was a distraction.
He got hit with a piss mop. Cool. That's all
we need to know. Well, while we are on the art
of distraction, and before we get to the Stanley
Cup games, because we are right there, we're
going to give a shout out to the podcast that
guessed our bad movie correct first. It is WKMU
Radio Podcast. You can follow them at WKMU Radio
Pod on pretty much everything, but especially
things like... Twitter. I'm not calling it X.
Twitter. And they have a promo that you are going
to hear. They've invited us to a couple groups
for other podcasters. We are extremely grateful
for being a part of their group. Thank you, Blue
and Sky, for guessing. And here you go. Good
morning, Earth. Here is the WKMU Radio Podcast.
Good morning, Earth. It's time to get up. Dial
in for strange and wonderful stories told by
even stranger and more wonderful people. And
remember, if you've heard it, it's history. If
you haven't, it's news. I'm Blue. And I'm Scott.
And welcome to 87 .9 WKMU, where you'll find
all the things that keep me up. From gaming and
movies to UFOs and just random weirdness in our
dimension. So tune in at wkmu .podbean .com.
Yeah, and do it quick before the government shuts
us down. We gotta go, guys. Just make sure you
check on yourself and check on your friends.
And everyone deserves love. Especially you. This
concludes our broadcast day. Thank you, Sky and
Blue, for playing along and guessing the bad
movie first. I hope you, as our listeners, would
listen to them as well. You can find them anywhere
at WKMU Radio Podcast. Thank you guys very much
for playing and getting it first. And now, the
art of distraction is over. We are back to the
Stanley Cup games. It is the first game of the
Cup playoffs, and as distraction, Darren is not
allowed to fight anybody or get aggressive with
anybody. He's not allowed to. And not only does
Pitka not allow him to fight, he also pisses
off the Kings bench, telling them that Darren
called them bitches and that they can suck his
big old, and then there's a goal horn. So, yeah,
they want to fight him. Like, they want to hit
him. As I said before, this is the art of the
distraction because he's getting absolutely hammered
out there. Like they are just taking all these
cheap shots, everything like that. But his hands
aren't shaking anymore. Like this is kind of
working. So Darren is playing well. Like he got
a goal. But at the same time, he's getting absolutely
murdered out there. So he's like laying on the
bench, absolutely just exhausted. And Pitka says
like, yes, you're shooting better and everything
like that. Darren is kind of like, instead of
getting killed, can we find a different way to
distract? And Pitcut changes his mind and tells
him he can fight anyone for any reason. Any reason?
Any reason. So, of course, he skates out there
and he fights Jacques Lecoq. And he gets a one
-game suspension. He also, for no reason other
than just he wants to, he fires a puck straight
at his coach. And so he gets another game suspension.
So now he's not going to be back until game four.
This is a big deal. Your best player just got
suspended two games. But Pitka is kind of just
laughing it off, including Pitka asks if the
coach is OK and picks him up like in the air.
And then he just kind of looks at the camera
and goes, I'd like to thank the academy. And
it's I know I'm mad about the short jokes, but
this one was pretty good. This one got me. So,
yeah. Coach Cherkov has a meeting in his office
with Dick Pants, Jane, Rajneesh, and Pitka. And
Cherkov just has a tiny office. And it's no reason
other than just to have a tiny office. So, yeah.
Jane even makes a remark, next time can we have
a meeting in my office? Because they're all scrunched
over trying not to hit the ceiling. While they're
talking, though, and trying to figure out what
to do with Darren, they have a moment where they
learn that Darren doesn't invite his mother to
the games. And she only lives an hour away. So
it's kind of a eureka moment. And Pitka jumps
up from his chair and right through the ceiling.
But basically, he wants to take Darren to talk
to his mother because he thinks this is going
to be the next part. Regressing. So Darren and
Pika are going to take a road trip, which Darren
is not excited about. But Pika says, we'll make
it fun. We'll have a good time. Here's one of
the more underrated jokes of this movie. So they're
listening to like hip hop or something. And then
Pika changes the radio station to sitar. And
Darren changes it back to hip hop. Pika hits
it again, but hits it the wrong way. And it goes
to Bohemian Rhapsody. And he kind of smiles at
the camera, just kind of like a winking nod.
And then he makes it hip hop again. So that's
kind of underrated joke. I'm here for that one.
I think that was a good one. The mom, Lillian
Roanoke, is played by Telma Hopkins. Telma Hopkins,
you may know her from a lot of different TV shows
and stuff like that. But the big one, she was
Rachel Crawford on Family Matters for 93 episodes.
We find her at the church where she is teaching
the choir and kind of getting them ready for
whatever. They're doing next. She has a beautiful
singing voice, everything like that, because
she does a little solo. And basically, Pika is
trying to get Darren to, A, admit why he doesn't
let her to games, but also to kind of stand up
to her. Because she is a hard -hitting mom. She's
the one, there's no whining or complaining. She's
not going to let you bitch out. Like, this is,
she's tough love. And so Darren doesn't stand
up to her. He's not going to stand up to her.
And so they end up leaving, going to a bar. And
Pitka realizes there's a second way to regress
him. So he just starts doing old school fart
jokes. Like he just starts making fart jokes
at this bar. And it's like really loud and annoying
and that kind of stuff. And also it does kind
of work because they do like the. The finger
under like the under your waist kind of thing,
you know, like where you hold your finger like
a three upside down under your waist, you know,
ball geezers, what they call it, punches them
and everything. And as they're doing this, this
kind of draws attention to them at the bar. And
some of the locals aren't happy because Roanoke
suspended and they're going to lose the Stanley
Cup all because of him. One of these locals is
a guy named Cowboy Hat. That's his character's
name. Obviously, probably not his real name.
And Cowboy Hat is played by Daniel Tosh. And
this starts a bar fight and everybody gets in
on it. And, you know, it starts one of those
like buddy comedy fight things where it's like
you go high, I go low, that kind of thing. And
there's different scenes of people in the bar
getting beat up and everything, including there's
like these little girls that are holding and
beating the shit out of Pika. And then. both
pitka darren cowboy hat and the other friend
of cowboy hat get tossed out so they all kind
of like laugh it off and everything like that
and go their separate ways darren and pitka the
next day probably are at niagara falls and this
is where darren kind of opens up and realizes
why he ended things with prudence He ended things
with Prudence because he thought she would only
love him if he succeeded. Because this is the
mother he grew up with. It was only love if you
succeed. Only if you do well at certain things.
And he was afraid that Prudence wasn't going
to love him if he couldn't win the Stanley Cup.
So he still loves Prudence. The reason they broke
up was just because he thought she wanted better.
And so that's kind of one of the cruxes of why
they broke up. At the same time, he also gets
out of Pitka that Pitka doesn't have anybody
himself. Like, how are you the love guru without
finding love yourself? Which he kind of admits
that there's just some things that are holding
him back and that he needs to find self -love
before he can do any of this. This is also kind
of foreshadowing because the next scene is Rajneesh.
and pitka they're playing the sitar and the banjo
and they are playing more than words by extreme
i fucking hate that song i absolutely hate that
song it is the dumbest song in the world i just
i absolutely hate this song but apparently it's
enough to get the excitement of jane because
jane is there and she is impressed with them
and this is essentially just like a date scene
Like it's just the two of them. They have no
reason except for just they're hanging out kind
of thing. And Rajneesh is making a meal for them.
And the meal he's making is some delicacy that
has a different foreign name. But the name that
they give it in English is balls in a sack. It's
like these walnuts that are put in like these
dough. And it's just another joke to make. a
penis joke like it's just another nuts joke and
there's bits where it's like Rajneesh asks Pitka
oh you want your nuts smashed of course who doesn't
want their nuts smashed and you know he takes
a hammer and smashes the walnuts in there and
it's a lot of that kind of jokes well after like
the meal and everything Pitka kind of convinces
Jane to be more vulnerable because she feel he
feels like She's kind of like pent up kind of
thing. And so she is more vulnerable and she
goes to kiss him. And then we hear the metal
ding again of his chastity. And he just says,
we can't do this. We can't do this and walks
away. And meanwhile, the Leafs have lost the
other two games. So they are down 3 -0 in the
series. I mean, we can guess what's going to
happen, right? Can't we? We can guess what's
going to happen. The coach in the locker room
is calling out the team, then he calls out Jane,
and then he calls out Pitka, and then for no
reason he punches Pitka in the dick. Again, just
a dick joke. So Pitka is dealing with the idea
of he doesn't want to take a shortcut on his
drama method, but he's getting to the point where
he kind of has to. And so he needs to talk to
Prudence without Grande. So Grande and Prudence
are at a club, and through a little... magic
I guess because we really don't see who it is
but we're just supposed to assume they got Celine
Dion the back of her head to perform at this
club so Grande is losing his mind and it's just
like it's Celine Dion oh my god and like goes
to dance and everything Prudence is still at
the bar and Rajneesh and Pitka are there to try
to talk to her and said that they talked to his
mom and she wants to know if Roanoke stood up
to his mother. And this is where Pitka lies and
says, yes, he did. He stood up to her. And Grande
happens to hear at this part Prudence say that
he doesn't allow his mother in the crowd at games.
So this is a little trick for later. But it seems
like they've succeeded. They've now lied. And
they said that he stuck up for himself to his
mom. And it's game four and Roanoke is back and
Prudence makes him feel good about himself. You
know, she's now like, hey, I'm proud of you and
everything. And they're kind of back together.
So they win game four. It's three to one in the
series. Still have a chance. And then playing
like a man reborn because Prudence is really
with him now. Roanoke plays out of his mind and
they win game five. Three to two. The crowd is
also kind of getting behind Guru Pitka because
like he's a secret. So they're like wearing guru
stuff in the crowd. Yeah, you can guess how I
feel about that. And they also win game six though,
you know, so it's good. This is good. They're
winning. Like you can be a guru because of winning,
right? That's okay. You can allow that, right?
And now no matter what happens in game seven,
Dick Pants has told Pika that they are 100 %
going to be on Oprah. But he starts to not feel
good about any of it. And like Jane is happy
for Pika because she's like, oh, you're getting
everything you want. You have the money. You
know, you're going to be on Oprah. It seems like
you got Roanoke back together with Prudence.
So we're good. Yeah, we're going to win the Stanley
Cup and we're going to we're going to be all
right. And like you can kind of tell he wants
Jane, but he can't tell her about the belt because
God forbid he tells her about the chastity belt.
So Dick Pants kind of like accepts the check
and they're off to the airport. So they're at
the airport trying to leave, but then they see
the start of the game. And not only did they
see the start of the game, they see that Grande
not only got Lillian Roanoke to the game, she's
singing the national anthem. And so Darren knows
she's there. And so he runs off to the locker
room and he locks himself away. Pitka realizes
he needs to help. He needs to do something. So
he calls Rajneesh. Rajneesh is making sure that
the elephant gets on the plane safely. And the
elephant is in an animal carrier, by the way,
which is absolutely ridiculous. This right here,
I laughed so hard at this. This was probably
the best joke. So Rajneesh obviously has an accent
and everything like that. He gets a call and
he doesn't look at who it's from. And he answers
and he goes, Dell Computers, this is Chip. Well
done, Rajneesh. Well, well done. Apparently he
has a side job working as Chip at Dell Computers.
But when Pika tells him it's him, you know, they
have a plan. They're going to go and they're
going to help Roanoke get to... Get back on the
ice for the game. Pitka also calls Jane and tells
her she needs to buy time. So she does what she
doesn't want to do, which is she crosses the
line and everybody starts booing her and Toronto
fans. She stands up for herself because she needs
to go to Cherkov and get them on the same page
and everything like that. Pitka arrives. Basically,
Jane is kind of like... in the way and they have
this thing right now for whatever reason he drops
his pants and shows that he has the chastity
belt and jane can see that he's committed to
a higher purpose so this is why they weren't
getting that close together so now she's like
okay i i want to help you and so he goes in the
locker room he talks with darren and convinces
him that he needs to stand up to his mom here's
one of the mistakes of this movie And there's
a lot in this movie, but this is one of the big
ones. They definitely showed the scoreboard and
it was like three to one. And now there's 30
seconds left in the game and it's one, nothing.
And not only is it one, nothing, but they're
literally like Darren stood up for himself, went
out there and now he's taking the face off. So
it's one, nothing. And they're taking a face
off at center ice. I don't know why they would
be taking a face off at center ice. Maybe they
hit it out of play, but I don't think so. I think
this is just a screw -up. So in less than 30
seconds, he's able to get down the ice, does
a Michigan move, and then ties the game. And
then there's another face -off, and he gets tripped
with one second left on the clock, and it's going
to be a penalty shot against Jacques Lecoq Grande.
One of the things I forgot to mention at this
point. was Roanoke and Prudence, one of their
things was that when they first were getting
together, she said to him, damn. And it kind
of just became their word. Whenever she said
damn, it was kind of like I love you for them.
This was something for them that they reacted
to. Well, Lecoq skates out to Roanoke when he's
about to take the penalty shot. And he says,
oh, yeah, by the way, Prudence said damn to me.
And he feels betrayed a little bit. And so his
hand starts shaking again. And he's just like,
oh, I can't do this. I can't do this. And Pika
sees the shake and asks Cherkov again to cause
some kind of something to call another timeout.
They're out of timeouts. Somehow stall. The coach
says, I never thought I would do this. He pretends
to have a heart attack. And so the ref kind of
stops the game to tend to Cherkov. And Pitka
goes and finds his elephant. And they just so
happen to be doing a circus promo with a female
elephant that's there already. So he gets a male
and a female elephant to the ice. And the crowd
goes quiet as he gets the male and female elephant.
to bone this my friends is the art of distraction
it's the ultimate distraction and he goes to
roanoke after they're done and like he's talking
to him and saying how this is the perfect distraction
see nobody's going to remember this and roanoke
feels better and pika asks why do you feel better
and he goes because i'm a hero to myself even
if i don't make the shot nice good good Good
little message there. You know, that feels good.
So he has his confidence. And one of the things
that he got ripped on the first time was the
five hole trap. He got screwed on that in the
sixth game. Well, this time he was ready for
the five hole trap and he. shoots to the side,
gets past LeCocq, and they win the Stanley Cup.
Everybody's so excited. And in the front row,
we get Mike Myers. Yes, Mike Myers, not Pitka.
Mike Myers and Kanye together again. And they
hug and they scream, I love hockey, and they're
so happy. The Stanley Cup is theirs. And as you
can say about all Toronto Maple Leafs fans, then
they turned off their PS4 and went to bed. I
love that joke. I'm sorry. I have to make it.
And they're all in the locker room celebrating
and Deepak Chopra shows up and he's there to
congratulate Pitka. And basically is like so
excited for him that he's going to be on Oprah.
And Pitka kind of realizes he doesn't need to
be on Oprah. He doesn't need to be the next Deepak
Chopra because he's the first guru Pitka. And
then the coach comes over and Pitka sucker punches
him and they kind of like make up, you know,
this is for punching him in the balls earlier
and everything. And everybody's happy. And now
they're in India again. And they're wrapping
up the story. Pika is wrapping up the story.
And he was talking with his guru, Tug of Mapuda,
who says he can now take his belt off because
he's learned to love himself. So Pika asks for
the key to the chastity belt, but there was never
a key. Just a snap in the back. And so it drops
down. We don't see any penis or anything like
that, but it drops down. Also, there is Jane,
and she is looking like... hot as fuck Jessica
Alba like perfectness and she kind of like smiles
at Pitka and is like well now what do you want
to do and he goes I have been wearing this thing
since 12 years old what do you think I want to
do I want to sing and then they do a Bollywood
dance like with the sitar version of the Joker
by Steve Miller band and that's the credits and
then we're done with the movie except for one
thing That I needed to bring up. And this is
pretty funny. They left one blooper in. And so
it's a shot of like the backsides of the Maple
Leafs team. And you can hear the director kind
of say to like the cinematographer. Hey, Peter,
can we bring the camera up a little? All we can
see are asses. And Verne Troyer goes, now you
know what it's like. R .I .P. Verne Troyer. R
.I .P. This was a great line. Yeah, this was
probably the best joke of the entire movie. I'm
glad they left that one blooper in. So yeah,
that's The Love Guru. I will say, so this movie,
not good. Very, very not good. There are a lot
of problems with it and everything like that.
However, for a bad comedy, there was some good
jokes in it. I actually did not mind a lot of
the jokes in it. So I laughed more than I thought
I would. That doesn't defend this movie. That
doesn't make it any better. But I laughed more
than I thought it would. Story in a comedy. I
mean, I'm not going to go into story in a comedy.
It's predictable. Let's just call it what it
is. You know where you're going pretty much the
entire time. This one, no real twists or turns
or anything like that. Once they kind of like
have an idea, you're just like, okay, I know
where this is going. Like when they go, oh, we
need to regress you. Okay. They're going to go
find a parent or something like that. And there's
going to be a scene or that kind of stuff, you
know? So I'm not going to get on the story about
this one because all comedies are fairly predictable
for the most part. Could they have done some
things different? Of course, definitely. There's
definitely ways they could have probably written
a better movie. Let's talk about the real issue
of this movie. And I'm not even going to say.
It does bug me, Mike Myers, as Guru Pika. It
does. It's not that it doesn't bother me. But
his is a little more understandable when you
think about his character and how he's an American
that just grew up in this guru life. And so he
adopted the facial hair and the guru lifestyle
and stuff like that. I understand that a little
more. I'm not saying it's good. I'm not saying
it's okay, but I understand it a little more.
The offensive stereotype that I have for this
movie is Guru Tugging My Pooda, played by Ben
Kingsley. That he was cross -eyed, that he had
an accent. That's when it's just like, hey, this
is too much. Come on now. Especially somebody
like Ben Kingsley who... I'll give it to him.
He was Gandhi. This is not... You can do these
kind of things, but my problem is that the entire
time it's just played for laughs. It's just goofy
shit played for laughs, like the stink mop and
that kind of stuff, or the fact that he's just
cross -eyed. He makes a joke about masturbation
and you'll go cross -eyed and that kind of stuff.
That's my problem with this stereotype, this
depiction. It's one thing, like if you play it
seriously, I know that doesn't really work in
a comedy, but if you play it seriously, I probably
would have less problems with it. The fact that
he only existed pretty much as a joke and like
somebody to be the leader for Mike Myers' transformation
into Pitka. Yeah, that's where it's not okay,
really. So that's the problem is like what...
They do with the other guru names, for example.
Tug of My Buddha is just one of several gurus
that he learns from. There is Cheta from Unda.
Then there's also guru Hathasmalvina. That's
where you get to some of the problems, I think.
And the pictures are real people, I think. I
can't tell for sure. Obviously, I don't know
what these people look like. But, yeah, it's
just... I'm not okay with some of that stuff.
Like, I don't know. That's where it gets a little
much for me. As I said before, like, I don't
think any of it's good, but at least I understand
a little more where Pit Cut comes from. The rest
of them, though, not so much. So that is definitely
the problem with this movie. And if you get beyond
that, which you shouldn't, but if you do get
beyond that, it's just kind of a paint -by -numbers
movie. And that's another issue with it. It's
just kind of, you know, where it's going to go.
You know what it's going to do. It's going to
be... for the most part a forgettable rom -com
if you can call it a rom -com even because they
just get back together in like 30 seconds it's
just kind of oh yeah i love you i'm so sorry
oh my god i stood up to my mother we're back
together i'm gonna rocket hockey now which is
weird in itself that they got back together so
quickly now they broke up and yes it was him
that did the dumping and everything like that
and she just immediately goes to one of his rivals
and starts hooking up you know so yeah they get
back together quickly it feels like it's very
rushed that they just get back together because
they realized hey we're going a little long for
comedy maybe we just need to wrap it up and get
going because uh yeah we still have three more
games or four more games really to crush into
this last 30 minutes maybe so we need to get
them back together he needs to be good again
and then we need to get to our final conflict
before the end of the movie I don't know that's
probably one of the biggest issues I had with
this was the fact that everything felt rushed
at the end like it just felt like okay we're
back together now this is great oh no there's
one more conflict okay it's great again you know
and that kind of stuff and what the hell is with
this last hockey game they took so much time
to get elephants to fuck on there and there's
no way anybody in the NHL would have left that
much or let that much happen so that they could
just distract the crowd in Roanoke from their
problems and everything like that. There's no
way that you can do with 30 seconds left in the
game, A, score one time, B, get a penalty shot,
and C, sit there until you got two fucking elephants
literally to go fuck on the ice. There's no way
this was going to happen. And if you think this
is just me being like, Mike, it's a movie, it's
unrealistic, everything like that. This is where
it's crazy, though. That doesn't happen. Even
in sports movies, that doesn't happen. You don't
wait 20 minutes for somebody to get some elephants
up there to distract everybody so that your star
player can now shoot. That should be totally
unfair. How do those elephants not distract Lecoq,
for example? He's now distracted, too. That's
unfair advantage towards the Maple Leafs. And
I know they're a bunch of cheaters, but come
on now. Okay, I'm off my soapbox. I think. The
last thing I want to talk about is the fact that
this movie feels juvenile. And I'm not saying
that the Austin Powers movies weren't because
that's definitely where I want to connect these
two because they're very similar in nature. And
they did themselves by saying, oh, this is Mike
Myers' first original character since Austin
Powers. You know, so they did it themselves advertising
it that way. So I'm comparing the two. And yes,
there are some juvenile moments in the Austin
Powers movies. They are a product of their time,
but they also aren't all penis jokes. Like, yes,
we can all point to moments in the original three
where it's like, that spaceship looks like a
Johnson. What are you doing there? Oh, look on
the screen. It's two balls. Two balls, one strike.
You know, like that whole bit. We can all point
to that. honestly that's one of my favorite bits
of that movie this is just ball torture the movie
for joke laugh purposes so every single every
single joke seemed to be related to a penis or
something like that or like getting hit in the
nuts that kind of stuff the guy's name is fucking
lecoq grande like they knew what they were doing
here you know that everything was going to be
a penis joke we can make penis jokes I'm not
saying we can't make penis jokes, but a whole
movie of them gets to be a lot and it doesn't
hit as funny as the first time or the second
time. That's the thing with this movie is when
you get hit over the head with another balls
joke and it's the 20th balls joke, it's just
not funny. It's just not. And that's the problem
is it's just not funny. There are some good jokes
in here, and there are many times where I laughed
a lot at this movie. So don't feel like I'm shitting
on it in that aspect, because there are some
times where I did laugh. However, everything
being about balls or dicks or penises, that kind
of stuff, that's not funny. And that's where
it drove me too much. I am okay with the occasional
dick joke. I think they're hysterical. There
are some movies that do it to perfection. This
one, no, because there's just too many of them.
So if I have to give a rating to this thing,
I'm going to give it a half of a carpet on wheels.
That's what I will give it. There's a bunch of
times where he's riding around on a carpet on
wheels. Yeah, so I'm going to give it a half
a carpet on wheels for this thing because it
was a terrible movie, but it did make me laugh
at some points. All right. I did not expect this
episode to involve so many penises, so many cocks,
so many balls. I feel like I need to do a female
rom -com or something like that. Female drama.
How about that? Female drama to make up for this
one next. I feel like that's the case. That's
where I need to go next because this one feels
like juvenile guy humor. I feel like I've said
too much about cocks and stuff. I think next
time that's, that's where we need to go. That's
where we need to, to change things. So yeah,
that is the love guru. That is the game for a
movie podcast where we ask you, are you game
for a movie? Thank you guys very much for listening
to me rant about balls and hockey. I appreciate
you guys listening in. Thank you guys to WKMU
radio podcast. You guys are awesome. Sky and
blue. We appreciate you. And yeah. I've been
Mike with the Game for a Movie podcast. I'll
see you next time.