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Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. This is episode 110. We're the Nelsons. I'm Shaun.

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And I'm Lanette and we're excited to be here with another podcast episode. Yeah,

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it has been a little bit of time. Yeah, yeah. We've had a couple of like promo episodes where

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we talked about the substance exposure guide and we talked about that research for birth mothers.

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Yeah. But it's been a while since we've done an episode with the two of us too. Yeah,

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life's been a little busy. Yeah, I started at a PhD program and of course our kids have school

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and work and that's pretty, but good. Lots of fun stuff. But today we're happy to be talking about

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family communication patterns. This is something that Lanette has studied a little bit as she's

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beginning her PhD and did some research over the summer. And we thought that because there are a

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lot of really important takeaways and connections to communications and relationships and adoption,

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that this would be a helpful episode for us to have. Yeah, honestly, as I've learned about family

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communication patterns, it's been so helpful for me as an adoptive parent. And I just thought this

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could be helpful for others as well. Yeah. When you say family communication patterns, what do you

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mean? So family communication patterns are basically what help us understand how family

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structures during childhood will impact adulthood. So family structures like the way that we parent

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or so, no, it's more like the way that your family during childhood communicates about things, right?

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Like the conversation around things, what your parents expect of you, like do they expect you

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to obey them without question? Or is it more loose than that? It's yeah, what the communication

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patterns in your family of origin were like? Cool. Yeah. So these family communication patterns began

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to be studied back in the 1970s. I think it's really interesting. There were two researchers,

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their names were McLeod and Chaffee, I think. And they developed this model for family communication

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patterns when they were trying to describe families tendencies to develop predictable

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and stable ways of communicating with each other. But they weren't really trying to look at family

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communication. That wasn't their goal. They were actually mass media researchers. And they were

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trying to explain how families create a shared social reality. Okay. So this came out of that

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effort. And it's actually been really helpful for family studies. Good. So what's maybe the goal of,

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you know, understanding these communication styles? Yeah. So the goal is really to explain

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how families create and share social reality, right? So particularly how parents socialize

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their children, how they help them process information. So I can see you're looking a

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little glazed over Shaun, do I need to find a way to make this more? No, no, you're good.

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Accessible. Okay. So ultimately, this family communication pattern theory,

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I think is also super applicable to adoptive families. So we're going to talk about it a

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little bit more here. There's two different elements of family communication patterns. I

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think we mentioned this earlier, there's conformity orientation, and there's conversation

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orientation. So conformity is kind of how, like, I'm thinking as a parent, like, if I

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have like rules in my home, and how I'm expecting my children to follow those rules, or when if I

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have like a path for my child, and do I let them, you know, waiver from that path? Yeah,

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yeah, it's kind of like that. That's pretty close. So it can range from low to high, right? And so

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if you have low conformity, that means you're not expecting your children to follow that path,

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or like conform with your expectations. And if you have high conformity, then you do have these

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expectations that your children will conform with what you're wanting for them. And alone,

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is there one that's better than another? So conformity is kind of tricky, because there

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are such big cultural differences, right? Like if you go to Eastern cultures, high conformity

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is the norm in families, right? Like, you need to obey what your parents tell you without question,

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and follow this path. And that's just a cultural expectation. And so it's hard to divide between

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like what is best, because there's such big cultural differences. And I found mixed research

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for Western cultures as well. Like, I'm not really sure which one's better. I think it's probably

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best to be a little bit in the middle personally, but that is not a research. That's my opinion

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from what I've read. I mean, I think of like both extremes, right? Where you have like,

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almost boot camp like parenting style, or far on the opposite side is like super free range parenting,

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where you just kind of like, let your kids do whatever you want. And I mean, like, myself,

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like somewhere in the middle feels like maybe the comfortable or the right place to be.

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Yeah, and I can't say that for sure again. But there's going to be more harmony in a home where

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there's more conformity, right? And there's going to be more independence in a home.

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Where there's lower conformity. And I think there's good in both of those. So having some kind of

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balance is probably in my opinion, what's best. Okay, so when we're talking about family

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communication patterns, we're looking at conformity, but also conversation. So when it comes to

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conversation, what are the maybe the opposites of the pendulum? Well, similar to what we just

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talked about? Yeah, so conversation orientation is this other side of communication patterns,

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right? And it's how often and how open conversations are in your home. About anything?

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Yeah, like conversations in your home. Can you tell your parents anything? Can you tell your

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parents, hey, I got really crazy today and stole a candy bar? I don't know. Like, can you tell them

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this thing is like a safe thing? I can't think of a good example. But is that a safe thing to talk

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about? Whatever? Or maybe your parents are of one political ideology. And as you develop an

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adolescence, you begin thinking that you have different political beliefs in your parents.

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Can you talk about that? Are your parents going to be okay with that? Or maybe you start questioning

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the faith that your parents have? Is that a safe thing to talk to them about? Or are they going to

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get defensive and angry? Okay. So I mean, I'm thinking about this in my own childhood. And

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even with our own home, I think I had different conversation patterns with different parents.

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Right? Like for me, I could pretty much tell my mom everything. And I wasn't afraid of how she

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would react most of the time. But it was very much different with my dad. And I kind of think of

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when we're thinking about conformity, I feel like my dad's perspective was like high conformity. He

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literally was a Marine, right? And that lifestyle was very kind of regimented structure. Yeah. And

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my mom was a little bit more, I don't know, laissez faire about it, like just kind of letting things

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happen. Have you been looking ahead in my notes? That's a good descriptor. But yeah, that's

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interesting. I don't think I've seen any research about parents having different communication

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patterns within the same family. It's generally classified as like the home. And so that's an

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interesting take. I'm not exactly sure what that would look like. But it's a really good conversation

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starter. I'll have to look into that some more. I'll come back here and talk more about it if I

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find something about that. Okay. But yeah, so conversation and conformity are these two

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different orientations in family communication patterns. So I have this graphic in front of me

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that kind of helps me see the range of different levels of conformity compared to the levels of

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conversation. So like on the x axis, we have conformity, and it ranges from low conformity to

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high conformity. And then on the y axis or across the bottom, we have conversation and from the left,

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from low to high, right? Yeah, so there's four different communication patterns that families

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usually fall into. And so if you're picturing the x and the y axis, you almost just have

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quadrants, right? So one with high conformity, high conversation, high conformity, low conversation,

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and then low conformity, low conversation, and low conformity, low or high. Yeah, yeah. So low

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conversation, high conformity, that would be a protective family. So in a protective family,

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we have like, following all the rules and no real room for question. And so we have a lot of

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things that we can do to protect our child. And so what would that look like in an adoption, like

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relationship in a home? I think that would be like, you are trying to protect your child from these

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hard conversations, right? And so you don't talk about them. Right? Yeah. Like, you don't talk about

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adoption at all. And you do what your adoptive parents tell you because they're trying to like,

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an adoptive parent, if I'm in this protected class, so high conformity, low conversation,

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I'm probably not bringing up like, how do you feel about your adoption or even maybe even talking

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about it much at all? Yeah, probably not. So yeah, there's just, it's such an emphasis on obedience

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and not an emphasis on dialogue. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So then we also have maybe on the lower

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conversation and low conformity, kind of just this more lax. La se faire. Culture or pattern in the

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home. Tell us a little bit about that and let's talk about how that might look in the adoption

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situation. Yeah. So that would be really autonomous kids. There's not really any like expectation

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that they're going to follow the parents paths, but there's also not an open dialogue. And children

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in this pattern do struggle. They often have what's called the lost child role where they'll

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struggle with self-regulation and feel like they don't matter. So in the adoption sphere, right? So

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again, this is low conversation and kind of low conformity. What would that look like?

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I mean, that'd be kind of sad. It's a sad role, right? It's when you don't talk about adoption,

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but your adoptive parents wouldn't really care about like helping you adjust, right? Or like

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if you're struggling with something, you're not going to talk about it and they're not really

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going to have expectations. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. So this is probably like the least

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favorable. It's kind of disconnected. It's very disconnected. And yeah, I feel sad that this is a

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pattern at all. Okay. So maybe on the other side, now thinking about a little bit more increasing

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the conversation, right? So we have high conversation and what about the high conversation,

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but low conformity this, yeah. What does that look like? So it's a pluralistic family. And that's

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where parents would have open and honest conversation. And families are characterized by like this

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plurality of opinions. There's free flowing ideas. You can talk about things openly, honestly,

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it's a very, I feel like it's a very like modern familial pattern, right? Okay. It's what a lot of

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families have now, I think. So what would you say that I think that's good? What would you say,

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thinking about adoption, maybe some of the pros and cons of that? Yeah. So of course, every adoptee

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has different experiences. We've talked to lots of adoptees and I never want to like put them all

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into one box, right? Everyone has such different experiences. But we have talked with some people

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who are adopted who felt like they never belonged in either of their families. And that could be a

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pitfall of being in a pluralistic family where the low conformity could present itself as a challenge

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if you don't feel like this is how we do things in our family. Yeah. Okay. But there is high

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conversation too. Which is healthy. That's healthy. I feel like, yeah, I'm not exactly sure.

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Because research isn't sure, right? Which conformity is better? If it's better to have a high

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conformity or low conformity family. Again, like we said, I think probably somewhere in the middle

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is probably better. But that is something I'd be careful about making sure that your child knows

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that you like love them with your all they belong with you. Make belong with their birth family too.

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And it's like a dual citizenship and these two families, right? But, but making sure that

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it's not so till that there's that alienation potential. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So let's now we're

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still talking about high conversation now, which we're fans of. We want to be really open,

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especially with our children and talking about, it goes back to some other conversations we've

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had in the past about communicative openness, just making sure that our home is a safe place

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for whatever feelings to be shared, whatever conversation needs to be had, to be shared.

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Whatever conversation needs to be had, nothing has like a stigma to it or that they're worried

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about approaching us to talk about anything. So yeah, I think that's great. So we're that we're

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talking about that higher conversation. Now what about in the home where we have a little bit more

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high conformity? So those families are called consensual in the family communication pattern

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theory. So consensual families use both conversation and conformity to habitually achieve a shared

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reality. Break that down for me. Okay. So you have open dialogue, you can share whatever, but you

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also have these high expectations. You're going to have parents who are a little bit more like

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authoritative, hopefully not authoritarian, but maybe maybe, but parents are going to be clear

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that they expect children to follow a certain path, right? But they also want to hear what their

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children are thinking and feeling. Okay. And so I feel like, again, there's benefits here and there

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are potential drawbacks, right? If high conformity is taken to an extreme, I feel like that can be

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just as unhealthy as a low conformity. And so, okay, yeah, just trying to walk that line of what

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what's best here. Yeah. Okay. So I'm liking this. I think, I think that I'm kind of conceptually

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getting this. I mean, as I'm thinking about this, we want to have a conversation high.

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And when we're thinking about conformity, I personally am finding somewhere in the middle

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where I want to kind of have a path for my child, but also give a little bit of autonomy.

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So that it's good for children to have independence. I should grow as they,

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but not so much that they feel less part of our family or less direction or less identity. Yeah.

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Yeah. Good. Okay. So I know that we've kind of just been talking about this in theory a little bit

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and maybe considering how it might look like adoption wise, but is there other examples?

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I like looking at movies and pop culture to get examples because then we're not like throwing

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anyone under the bus analyzing how they parent or how patterns look in their home because movies,

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you know, are fictional. And so I like that. So I know for those of you who don't know one,

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that is a big Harry Potter nerd. And I say that with a lot of respect. She loves the books,

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maybe not the movies as much, but, but they're pretty common in our culture. So maybe is there

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any, anything from Harry Potter that we could learn? Interesting. I've thought about this,

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actually. So I feel like Harry is raised by his uncle and aunt, right? Petunia and Vernon. And

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I feel like they're protective, which sounds weird. I would think that'd be like the laws

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they fare because they're the worst, right? But I think that they're also protective because

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they want Harry to act like a muggle. They want him to conform to their norms. They don't want

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him to tap into any of his magical blood or whatever. I don't know. They want him to fit

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with them, even though it's not in a loving way, right? It's okay. Talk to them. But yeah,

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they want to like shelter him basically from himself. But their conversation is that they

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didn't even tell him how his parents died. Yeah. They told him he died in a car and they get

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dead in a car crash. And yeah, they don't have a conversation at all. They like Harry doesn't

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know he's magical or anything until it looks. So yeah, I feel like he actually is raised in a

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protective home, which sounds weird. And we've kind of established that maybe that's not the best

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atmosphere for raising an adoptee. So if you find yourself being the uncle Vernon or

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opportunity apparent, then it may be time to reconsider why we're doing the things the way

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we're doing things we're doing. Yeah, absolutely. Any other examples of protective families? Hmm.

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Okay, I think Mulan is an example. I'm thinking of the cartoon. I don't think I've seen the new one

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all the way through. I've seen part of it. But I'm not sure exactly what the family communication

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pattern looks like in that one. But in the 90s cartoon, it's definitely protective, right? Like

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Mulan doesn't talk with her parents about what she plans to do. But they're trying to keep her

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protected and keep her conforming with their culture and the norms and expectations of their

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society. So I think that's protective. Okay. Frozen. That's one of our kids, our daughter's

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favorite when she was little for sure. And I think that one's a classic protective parent example,

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right? Because on it and Elsa's parents find out that Elsa has this gift and it's like a curse

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in the beginning, right? Literally lock her up. Yeah, they like shut down. There's no conversation.

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There's no human contact. Like they want to protect everybody so much that they go to these

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extreme measures trying to literally protect. So I think they're a protective family too.

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Okay. Any other examples? I mean, I think of like the Von Trapp family on the sound of music, right?

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Literally have like whistled and they'd line up. Yeah. Yeah. Very high conformity. Yeah. Like very

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regimented and not any dialogue before Maria comes to the family. So she does change it up.

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So the early and of course I've heard also that that movie is not really true to the true story,

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but in the movie she changes it up. So, okay. So we talked, that's a little bit about like the

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protective. So that's low conversation and the high conformity. What about the high conformity

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and the high conversation, consensual families. All right. I think that there's some Pixar movies

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that fall into this category. I think like the movie brave. Oh yeah. Okay. So especially in the

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beginning, it might shift a little and become a little more pluralistic in the end, but in brave

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Merida, is that her name? Yeah. Merida is expected to conform, especially by her mother. This might

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be a good example of what you were talking about with your parents having different levels and

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different patterns, but her mother expects her to do what she needs to do just like she did when she

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was young. Right. Yeah. But they have conversation and Merida feels safe saying like, I don't want

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to do this. I'm not happy about this. Yeah. I can picture her throwing herself on her bed,

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but still talking to her mom through the harder conversation. Yeah. And she feels safe doing that.

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And so I think that's an example. And then another example I can think of is the Incredibles. I,

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and we love the Incredibles. It's one of my favorite movies to watch with my kids,

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but there's this family culture where they are superheroes, right? And so that is the culture of

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the family. Everyone like adheres to this culture and the expectations there, although it is a little

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chill with Jack Jack, right? Because at first he's not a superhero and they don't know he has powers

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and it doesn't seem to matter, but they still like, they expect their kids to behave a certain way

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and like follow this superhero code of wearing their mask and being secretive and whatever,

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right? But they also have their open conversations. Uh, the parents have the final say,

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but they can talk about things. Okay. So we've talked about protective.

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That's more of the Harry Potter stuff, right? Well, with, yeah, uncle, very much. Then we have

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consensual. And I like the Incredibles. Yeah. That's the one that stuck out to you. That's

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stick with me. Okay. So then we have, which one do you want to talk about next? Let's talk about

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pluralistic. We'll save this. So high, high conversation and low conformity. Yeah. What

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examples in movies? So I think a lot of more modern movies kind of aim for this, right? Like,

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uh, Paddington, I think it's a good example because like Mr. Brown and Mrs. Brown, they have

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definite open dialogue with their kids, but they're also pretty chill and lenient, right? Like their

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kids don't have to check any boxes or I don't know. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that might shift

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a little bit, but I feel like they're a pluralist pluralistic family. Um, I haven't seen this movie

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in ages, but I'm also thinking of Alexander and the terrible, no good, very bad day, right? That

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was a great book. And I vaguely remember the movie. I feel like that family would also fit into that

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category, but I'm a little rusty. No, I think, I think I've watched it with the kids. Yeah. It's

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been a while. Yeah. Um, Beezus and Ramona, I feel like that one's another one. Like there's this

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conversation in the movie where the family's talking about how Ramona has poor grades and then

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she gets mad and says she wants to say a bad word and her parents aren't like stopping her and they're

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not like throwing a fit about her grades, right? And then she wants to say her bad word and guts

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and they all just laugh and it's like a funny scene, right? But I think that they're a pluralistic

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family where they are low conformity, but the conversation is totally there. Everybody's okay

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sharing whatever they need to share. Okay. And then our last category, you call it the sad category,

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the laissez faire one where we have low conversation, low conformity or low structure. Yeah.

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I feel like this one, even though it's a very unhealthy pattern, I feel like it's portrayed

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in media a lot. I can think of quite a few. So maybe a lot of the eighties movies would fall

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into this category, right? Like ET, there's a family that's not super connected, seeming very

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hands off parenting. Like there's an alien living in their house and I feel like nobody knows,

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but eighties, laissez faire, yeah. But like no one knows that there's an alien in the house for like

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days, right? It's weird. No one talks about it. Or like the goonies, the parents are all like in

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their own world and don't notice that their kids are on this weird pirate hunt and they never seem

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to find out, right? Did they find out in the end? Okay. Yeah. But yeah, I feel like eighties movies

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fall into laissez faire often. The movie Matilda, I like Matilda. That was one of my favorite books

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when I was a kid. The adoption storyline and Matilda is terrible, but it's a funny movie.

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Uh, and her parents in that story get mad at Matilda because she reads and she wants to learn

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and go to school and she doesn't want to watch TV with them, right? Yeah. And so that is,

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I guess maybe that's high conformity. Yeah. I'm second guessing. Sit down and watch this TV show.

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You must watch TV. You cannot read. Yeah. So that's maybe a good example. Maybe she's not laissez

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faire. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there are probably aspects of that family because they don't care

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too, but they do care enough that they don't want her reading. Yeah. I mean, they're like leaving

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her at home and she's like walking to the library, but then, but then they are getting sent to jail

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or something or the cops are coming and Matilda asks them to sign some adoption papers for her

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to go and they just sign it. Like, yeah, it's not a big thing. So I'm not sure what they are. They're

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a weird family. Uh, and then the most adoption pertinent example I can think of for laissez faire.

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I don't know how many people will have seen this, but there's a Disney channel show that was found

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a few years ago called Jessie. Oh yeah. And we watched that for a little bit. Uh, the parents are

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tragically disengaged from their children. I don't even remember what they, are they even in an episode?

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They're in episodes, but not very many. And Jessie is like the nanny and then the butler. They're

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like the parental figures and they're not good parental figures at all, but this is an adoptive

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family, right? The oldest child is a biological child. And then there's three adopted children

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after, and one of them is like a recent adoptee from a different country. And the oldest child

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is always like trying to please her parents. I think she has that lost child role. I think it's

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a textbook example of laissez faire parenting. And I think it's really sad because they're also

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adopted parents, but yeah, and they call it out in the pilot episode, the nanny like talks to the

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parents about how they need to be more present, which is ironic because then there's tons of

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episodes and they're not in any of them. Okay. But yeah, so I think those examples help me

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conceptualize where these patterns, like what they look like in different family circles.

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Okay. So I'm thinking about a lot of other like mainstream movies. So some of these are

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adoption movies, right? So like Despicable Me, our kids love that movie. I think it's because

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of the minions and they're ridiculous, but where would, where would grew and his parenting fall in

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these? Okay. I haven't seen all the new stuff because I just don't dig it, but grew starts

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off as a terrible foster dad, right? He has some growth. He becomes a better foster parent.

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He becomes more protective, more warm. Yeah. I think that he starts off as Laze faire and he

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might stay Laze faire, but in a warmer way. Okay. I don't know. What do you think? Yeah.

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He had a terrible parent though, like his interactions with his mother. Did you know

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his mother is Julie Andrews? That's her voice. No, I didn't know that either. But yeah. And so

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yeah, he has a challenging backstory with his own family communication, but I think they're probably

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Laze faire. Okay. What about, this is another movie that's kind of cringy for me, but Stuart

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Little. Stuart Little is one of those movies that I think is really cringy for adoptive parents,

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but so many kids and adoptees seem to really resonate with it. I think that might be because

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as adults, we might be taking it too literally, like at face value and maybe kids are feeling,

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yeah, yeah. Right. Which is just weird, but I feel like kids might be watching it a little bit,

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I don't know, like more metaphorically and understanding and resonating with it more.

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I don't know, but our kids really enjoy that movie, but Stuart is this mouse who's literally

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adopted by a wealthy family that has a cat. It's weird, right? Like why would he have a cat?

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It's weird, right? Like why would you adopt a mouse when you have a cat? Anyway. Okay. I feel like

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the conversation in that family is a little more open. And of course that's how older child

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adoptions tend to be anyway, by necessity. So it's maybe hard to gauge what the conversation

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orientation is, but we'll say it's a little higher. And then their conformity might be a little more

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abstract. Like it seems like they're trying to accept him as one of them, like as a human

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in the family, but he's not a human. So it kind of skews it too, right? Because he plays soccer

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with humans and it's a bad idea. So it's kind of unhealthy conformity, but they might be a

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consensual family. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. All right. Uh, other adoption movies, um,

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meet the Robinsons, meet the Robinsons. So as much as I think that's a sweet story,

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I think it's a little cringy and family communication patterns because Louis is ultimately

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adopted by a family that changes his name, like before they even know that they're going to adopt

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him, right? They're just like, ah, your name doesn't fit you. Here's a different name.

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And they seem drawn to him because he's similar to them. I don't know. And like the kind of

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takeaway of the movie is like, he's going to move on and not think about and talk about his birth

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family. And so I would say that one's probably protective, like high conformity, low conversation.

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Yeah. I don't know. I mean, maybe the conversation is high on the things that they have like in

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common, but maybe adoption conversation. Yeah. So that's protective. So that's protective. Yeah.

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Yeah. Um, this is more pertinent right now because our daughter is in this musical and

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middle school right now, but elf. Oh, elf. So I think,

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elf's conversation about adoption is kind of sad too, because buddy conforms and acts like an elf

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and doesn't have any conversation at the North pole with Papa elf, right? Like he is an adult

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when he learns that he's not technically an elf, that he was adopted and then he begins to search.

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So I would say that one's protective, right? Yeah, for sure. Kind of shut up in this world that

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is different than the one. Yeah. Yeah. And like, there's no dialogue about it. Like we don't talk

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about this, but you're this giant elf who's not, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, what about this is us? Like

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the TV, the TV show, you know, I feel like we do so many episodes about this as us, but we would need

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to watch more of it. We've seen the first couple of seasons, but I think that one changes over time,

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right? Because Rebecca, so best in childhood, I guess is what we should be focusing on. Rebecca

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keeps these secrets from Randall, right? Like she has contact and a relationship with his birthdad.

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And he doesn't, he has no clue. Yeah. Which is so sad, but they do address it later. Um, there's

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like racial tensions that take 40 years for Randall to bring up with his siblings. Uh, Jack has some

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conversations with his kids. That seems like more of an open dialogue, but I don't know. And then

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Randall like overhears Rebecca talking about her mother's racist behaviors, but they don't seem to

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have direct conversation, right? So there's like the drama of overhearing things. I think that their

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culture would be more of the protective culture, but I think that should also illustrate how complex

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and fluid those patterns are. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, those are obviously a lot of them

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fictitious, but I think can kind of paint the, the, I guess it just gives imagery to some of these

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concepts. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and family communication patterns can be so complex, they evolve and

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change. And I feel like a family might have a pluralistic style of communication, but I think

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have a pluralistic style when it comes to some things, but then maybe they're more strict and

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conformity and other things, right? Like maybe they have one style when they're talking about

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school and grades and work, right? And then other areas, they have a different style, like with

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religion or politics. I don't know. I feel like it can be different. And then like you brought up,

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it could be different with parents too. If the parents aren't on the same page with how they're

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like how they're parenting and communicating with their children, that it could be different

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on that level too. So it's just complicated. So some takeaways as we're thinking about

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these communication patterns, again, kind of going back to this communicative openness within the home,

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we want to have high conversation. Always. That is like super grounded in research,

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which beneficial, important, high conversation, check your ego at the door. Sometimes make sure

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that you can talk about anything with your children and help them feel safe and talking

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about anything. Yeah. Okay. And then conformity is kind of, kind of a mixed bag here. Right? Like,

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yeah, I'll let you know if I find more information on that, but if it's super high conformity, like I

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can see some negative things there and super low conformity also, right? So kind of somewhere,

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somewhere in the middle. Yeah. I imagine that's probably the place to be, but who knows? And maybe

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different families have different needs. Like there is some research that shows that

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different children based on their genetics have different parenting needs, right? Like styles.

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Yeah. Like different styles of parenting will resonate better with different children based on

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what their genes are. Like it's determined by your genes. And so when you adopt, it's probably more

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likely that you're going to have maybe some friction on that because you don't share genes

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with either of your parents. Yeah. So it just adds some complexity and more reasons for us to be

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researching, educating ourselves, and continually trying to workshop and fine tune how we're

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parenting, how we're communicating. Awesome. Yeah. Okay. So that was a really good introduction to

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this. I feel like I understand a lot more about what you've been saying a little bit lately.

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I've been talking to you about it. It made more sense now. Yeah. Like movies help. Yeah.

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That really helps me a lot. At least for me. Yeah. And just kind of seeing the different,

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yeah, different relationships and environments that all of those kind of characters in those

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different movies or shows play helped kind of paint this picture. But my takeaway today is I

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want to make sure that I'm increasing conversation that my kids always feel super, you know, confident

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in talking to me and you about whatever they need to. And then really, I'm kind of just going to

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think more deeply about what type of structures exist. Where am I like really type A? Because I

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know I am like check the box. Like this is the way that things need to be. But I know that there's

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there's aspects of life where I probably should be a little bit more lax on conformity. And so

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yeah, I'm just going to my I guess my takeaway here is I need to be thinking about that. And how

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is the way that I'm parenting influencing my adopted child? I love that. Well, and I feel like

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adoptees again, I don't want to put them in a box, but we want to make sure our children feel

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comfortable and confident being themselves. And that will likely be different from how we are.

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Right. Yeah. So we want them to feel comfortable and confident being different from us.

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While also knowing that they belong. Right. Gotcha. So it's a fine balance.

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So I know in our next episode, we're going to continue talking about this. What can maybe give

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us the preview? What will the conversation be there? Yeah. So I'm hoping we can talk about how

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we can improve our family communication patterns in our homes, how we can improve our conversation

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and how we can help make our homes a more safe space and enhance our communication patterns.

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Awesome. Okay. So thank you so much for listening to this episode. That's been helpful for me.

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Hopefully this is kind of opening your minds to different ways that we are, you know, cultures in

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our homes or if you're don't, don't yet have children, maybe how you want to kind of prepare

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your future home with children and what type of structures you want to create. Awesome. Yeah.

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Thanks so much for being here and we'll be back soon.