Welcome to the Open Adoption Project.
This is episode 106.
We're the Nelsons. I'm Lanette.
I'm Shaun. In today's episode,
I share an interview that I conducted with Kaden Riley.
Kaden's great. Lanette and I met him in person back in April when we
led a panel discussion at the Utah Foster Care Annual Symposium.
He was one of four adult adoptees or those who had been in foster care,
that shared their experience, particularly with openness during that conversation.
But we loved connecting with him.
Such a great guy and we feel like his story is going to be impactful to you.
Yeah, we're really grateful for his willingness to share and teach us today.
He is really a wonderful person, has a great light to him,
and we're really, really so thankful that we had the opportunity to connect with him,
and now that we can share his experience with you guys.
So as an adult adoptee who is placed into foster care as an infant,
we hope that this episode teaches you and helps you learn.
All right. Well, we are now on the podcast with Kaden Riley.
Kaden, thank you so much for being with us.
Thank you for having me.
You bet. To our audience that's listening,
we met Kaden just over a month ago actually when we
presented at the Utah Foster Care Symposium,
the annual symposium that they do.
Lanette and I were asked to facilitate or lead
a panel discussion of adult adoptees or those who had been in foster care.
Kaden was one of the four people that we interviewed.
We were so impressed by him.
We wanted to bring him onto the podcast to share his experiences.
Sorry, I think there's a lot we can learn.
Thank you again for being with us, Kaden.
We're going to turn the time to you just to share your experience and your story.
There's a lot to it.
Please just help us understand what your lived experience has been.
Yeah, of course. Well, thanks again for having me.
I think it's going to be exciting to talk about all of this and my story.
But yeah, I would say my story is pretty unique.
I think from the very beginning,
there's a lot of different caveats to it.
It really all just starts at birth.
I was placed for adoption immediately at birth.
My biological mother had me and I was born with addicted to meth,
marijuana, heroin, and cocaine.
Then I spent the next 10 days in the NICU in Salt Lake City.
The hospital called DCFS and DCFS contacted some foster parents.
Then about the second day, these foster parents came and they really came to
the hospital and got to know me and hold me and carry me.
Then about 10 days later,
I was officially able to go home with them.
That's really where my story began.
My mom was about 21 when I was born and then my dad was actually 65 when I was born.
That was a huge complete age gap.
Unfortunately, my dad wasn't really able to step into the picture at the time,
but I do remember, well,
I don't remember, but people telling me that I had some visits with him
and that went really great.
I was basically with these foster parents and this family was amazing.
I was actually the youngest of seven siblings.
Five of us were adopted,
the two oldest were not adopted.
Already, these foster parents were familiar with the foster care process.
It took about seven months to a year and then I was officially adopted by them.
I was raised in Ogden,
Utah up until about five years old.
Then after five, I moved down to St. George and then that's where I was raised.
Like I said, being the youngest of seven siblings,
it was really unique.
There is a huge age gap with that as well.
My oldest sibling is 20 years older than me.
It was funny because he came home from his LDS mission and he had a new brother.
It was just a weird dynamic there from the start,
but things turned out to really work well.
Like I said, there's five of us that were adopted.
I was really close to my two sisters just above age and me.
They are half siblings and they're also transracial adoptees.
My dad's African-American and then my mom's Hispanic,
and then my two sisters,
their mom's black and then their dad's Hispanic.
That was also another part of my adoption story that I really connected with.
Being able to connect with those siblings,
I think was a really detrimental part of my experience that you'll hear later on.
Anyways, but growing up in St. George,
it was honestly, it was great.
My dad traveled for work and I was able to really go to different states
and have all these other experiences that I think at
a young age really shaped my growth in a lot of ways.
Being able to be placed outside of the small community of Southern Utah,
I think was really amazing.
A little couple of stories when it came to traveling.
I was a part of the transracial families.
One of the states we went to was Missouri,
Tennessee, so the South.
I remember my family getting a bunch of stairs because they're like,
what are these parents doing with these brown children?
It was just a weird dynamic there,
but it turned out to work.
Growing up in St. George was really great and everything.
But I think around the age of eight,
I really started to struggle a little bit with my identity.
I think that's the age that you really as you start
realizing that you look a little different than other people.
I think that's when I was really able to come into my identity and see that,
I don't look like my parents,
I don't look like most of my other family members,
like what is this?
I always knew that I was adopted.
My parents never kept it a secret,
not that they really could.
But-
Hard to keep that secret.
Exactly. Pretty hard to keep it a secret.
I was really struggling with that.
I pushed that off to the side and I was like,
I don't really want to explore that at this time.
Then around the age of 11,
12 is when it really started to hit me.
Let me back up a little bit actually.
No, you're good.
So before it started to really hit me really bad,
like I said, things were going pretty good.
My parents had me playing football,
they had me playing soccer,
and then they actually had me attend this charter school,
which was a performing arts school out in Ivins.
I was really able to thrive there because I had
a passion for singing and music.
This school was really helping me
to explore those ideas and passions in my life.
I would say I was pretty popular.
I was very outgoing.
I was very much doing all these things
that I was passionate about.
Now, going back to when I started to struggle.
Started struggling around the age of 12
and fell into a deep depression,
struggle with my identity and skipping school.
My parents felt like they had no other option
than to put me on medication and have me go see a therapist.
For the first time, I was able to go to therapy
and get my medication.
Hopefully, that would help.
You'd think that all of these things would help me
adjust to dealing with being adopted and all those things,
but come to find out,
unfortunately, things got worse and worse and worse.
Around that age, my parents just felt like they had no other option,
fortunately, and then I was placed into a mental health facility.
This facility was really unique just because it was a pretty restrictive
institution that really was locked down
and really not a great environment for me, unfortunately.
Then I spent the next seven months in that program.
Then I came home from that program,
obviously living on a high rate.
I think when you're in such an intensive facility,
therapy, group therapy, highly medicated,
you're obviously going to thrive.
For the next couple of months,
I was placed back into that performing arts school,
back into football and all of that stuff.
But then once again, a couple of months later,
I was hit with another set of depression and anxiety.
But this time, it came with more complex trauma
because I didn't really address some of the things that went down in this program.
I was placed into another program for another seven months.
Then at the end of that program,
I reached out via Facebook on a home visit, I think,
and messaged one of my biological sisters on my mom's or my dad's side.
I haven't met them before because my adoption was closed.
I've seen pictures of my biological father and family members,
but I had never actually met them.
I reached out to her and I sent a picture of myself awkwardly.
I was like, I think I'm your brother.
This is Kaden, this is your brother, whatever.
I'd love to meet you.
I was put back in this program.
Then at the tail end of this program,
I was in a therapy session with my parents and everybody.
They're like, Kaden,
we want to inform you about something.
I was thinking, oh no,
they found something that I was doing that wasn't appropriate or something.
But I was shocked to find out that my sister did reach back out to my parents,
and they said that my biological father was on his deathbed,
and if they could find it in her heart to let me see him before he passed away.
I immediately began bawling,
crying because that was honestly the last thing that I could have expected them to say.
All of those emotions growing up as a young African-American male in
Southern Utah and really yearning for that relationship with
my father that I thought maybe one day once I turn 18, I could have.
The fact that he was on his deathbed was really hard for me.
How old were you at the time?
Yeah, I was about 15 years old.
I was 15 at the time.
Moving forward, my parents did find it in their hearts to allow me to see him.
In 2017, at the age of 15,
I went with my parents and one of my adoptive sisters.
We went and saw him at a resting home in Ogden, Utah.
To my surprise, there was a bunch of other family members, cousins, aunts,
uncles there as well.
I think that moment hit me that I knew that I might not get
that happy ending of being able to gain this huge relationship with him.
I spent the next hours with him at this facility,
getting to know him, talking to him.
It was just a really great experience for several reasons, obviously,
but I think as cliche as it sounds,
just looking at him and looking at our faces and seeing the similarities
and what we look like and our mannerisms and asking stupid questions like,
where are you from or what's your favorite color,
which I think are all things that might come so easy to the general population.
But I think to people that experience foster care or being adopted,
those are all questions that we would love to have.
I think being able to connect that way was really eye-opening.
Then getting to learn that a lot of my family on that side also were musicians
and singers and athletes,
I think was also just a reinstatement to me that I am part of them
and I do have that literally running through my blood,
I think was really, really cool.
At the end of this program, system, this residential program,
I got a phone call from this guy.
Well, actually not a phone call,
he actually came in person and introduced himself to me.
He introduced himself to me as my DSFS caseworker.
At the time, I didn't really know what that meant.
But at the age of 15,
I found out there's a place back into the foster care system.
Really honestly, I didn't know what that meant in a lot of ways.
I was like, okay, so what does this mean?
I was shocked because of course I was adopted,
but I think adoption and foster care as we all know is two completely different things.
I really didn't know what foster care was.
I was scared obviously,
but luckily my adoptive family was still heavily a part of my life.
So luckily, they didn't just give up on me in that sense.
It was really just the involvement of the state and having a caseworker,
guardian of light and all of those people that really made it difficult for me.
That happened in 2017 and then I was placed back into another facility after that,
where I would spend the next four years unfortunately in the foster care system.
Throughout those four years, it was really hard because this program was pretty restrictive,
and it really forced me to conform to what they wanted me to be.
I was highly medicated,
couldn't have access to the Internet,
really couldn't go on a walk by myself without a staff,
couldn't go to a normal school,
had to do pocket work and all of these things.
As you can see, quite literally a contradiction to where I was,
a couple of years ago,
I've highly involved being super popular at school,
being involved in all these extracurricular activities.
Literally quite the opposite of that.
It was a complete 360 and it was just really hard on me.
Throughout that time, I was able to connect with my adoptive family still obviously,
and talk to them and had home visits periodically,
but was really detrimental on my relationship with them.
Then a couple of months after my initial admission to this facility,
I received a phone call shortly,
like a week before my birthday actually,
that my biological father had passed away.
That moment, I will never forget because my family was actually on a vacation in Park City,
like we do every year.
I knew his health was bad and all of those things.
I didn't have a phone at the time, but my mom did.
I remember I was sitting on the couch in our room,
and I saw that she's getting a phone call from my biological sister.
The second I saw the phone ring,
saw her name on it,
I started bawling and I felt it in my heart that he had passed away.
I'm never going to forget that moment just because I do think that he was speaking to me in
a sense of this is his time and so not trying to be emotional,
but he passed away a couple of days before my birthday and that was really hard on me.
Like I said, I really wanted to get in that relationship with him.
I wanted that ever since I was little,
ever since I could remember.
I think that was such a huge part of my identity that I think I missed out on.
Moving forward, I spent four years in this program.
It was just a complete waste of time.
That's just how I'm going to put it.
Like I said, I wasn't really able to just be myself and it was really hard in a lot of ways.
Let's see, what was it?
I think come 2020,
I was about at the age of 18 getting ready to graduate high school.
Because of this program,
I wasn't able to really be in mainstream school.
Full transparency, I had nine completed credits.
The reality of graduating high school is absolutely not impossible.
I ended up just getting my GED,
graduated with my GED right on time with my actually graduating class of 2020, ironically enough.
One of the parts of graduating for me was being able to walk with my class.
But if you remember,
COVID-19 also ruined the walking graduation for all the 2020 graduates.
Sure did.
Yeah. I didn't even walk anyway.
That was a blessing in disguise.
It all works out to end and I accomplished it with everybody else.
That was really great.
Because of all of that, just going through all those things,
I also aged out of foster care at 18.
Spent the next two years really trying to figure things out,
working, finding different friends and supports.
Then in 2022 is when I first started to attend Utah Tech University in St. George.
I was studying psychology.
Well, I still am, but I studied psychology there.
It was a really great experience, I think,
going from where I was to now knowing that I can be in college and that I can achieve
these things that other people in my life that I could never do,
I think was really inspiring to me.
I basically finished my associates there.
Then I just recently actually got admitted to the University of Utah.
I'll be transferring up there for fall of 2024.
Congrats.
Thank you.
I'll be finishing up my bachelor's degree in psychology there.
Then hopefully my goal is to get my PhD in clinical psychology,
either from the U or another institution.
That's a little bit about my foster care experience.
Obviously, you'll hear more about what I'm doing when it comes to giving back to
that community and advocating for change.
Great. Well, I have a couple of questions,
just as follow-up, just for clarification for our listeners.
At 15, you were put into basically the state's custody,
when you say you were put back into care.
But at any point,
were you ever put with foster parents or was it just state care?
Yeah. It was actually just state care.
I was never placed with foster parents.
I think if people are familiar a little bit with different placements and
DTFS and stuff, my level was too high.
My behaviors were just too bad,
I guess, to be able to be placed with just a regular foster family.
It was just more of these residential programs and institutions.
Wow. So challenging.
I cannot even imagine and so complex.
But we're going to try to learn from your experience.
We're going to unpack quite a bit of that.
Like you said, we'd love to hear about what you're doing right now
to help the community.
First off, this is a very loaded and big question,
but how do you feel like all of these experiences,
both being an adoptee and your time in care,
have shaped you to who you are today?
Yeah. It might come as a surprise,
but I'll say it time and time again,
honestly, I wouldn't change it for anything.
I think these experiences really allowed me to see the system and
myself in different parts of just the world in general,
actually, and different experiences from just a different light,
a different lens, and so I honestly want to change it.
I would probably go through it time and time again,
actually, if I knew that because of those experiences,
that I'd be in the place that I am currently.
I think those experiences really shaped me to the person I am today,
and I think I want to change that.
Awesome. I think that's a really mature answer.
Obviously, there's probably little aspect for every one of us that we would want to
change holistically that you're seeing how
your experiences have helped you become who you are today,
and you don't want to change that.
That's awesome. Thank you for sharing that.
If there was one thing that you would like others to know or
understand about the adoptee experience,
what would you want them to know?
That's a good one. I could have several answers about obviously,
but I think the main one for me would be just the fact that we're just like everybody else.
I think, unfortunately, I think we're getting better at it,
but I think there's some stigma surrounding adoption,
and especially adopting a teen or something like that.
I think what I would tell to people looking into fostering or adopting people is just the fact
that we're just like everybody else who wants a home,
who needs that stability,
who needs a caring adult individual in their life to
support them and help them get to where they want to be.
I think we're just like everybody else.
I think the more we just normalize that families look so different for everyone,
regardless of adoption or foster care.
Just in general, there's so many different dynamics to families.
Why is it so different adding this adoption part to it?
I think just normalizing overall and just realizing that these are
just kids or youth or teenagers that just want to be loved.
Yeah. Obviously, you were adopted 20 plus years ago.
Thinking retrospectively, what do you wish your family or
the adoption community would have known or could have done?
In retrospect, knowing what we know today,
what do you wish they could have known or done then?
I would say, I think just the fact that I was in that transracial family,
there's a few different perspectives.
I felt like it could have been a little different.
I think maybe if my foster parents or my adoptive parents or the state or somebody,
I guess, would have connected them to more resources when it came to
taking care of a black child,
I think would have been really beneficial for me.
I was going to great clips to get my hair cut up until I think 12 years old.
Things like that was weird.
But no, my parents, they tried really hard actually.
They found a grader here in St. George to do my sister's braids.
I think I did cornrows one time from her.
My adoptive parents, they honestly tried their best.
But I think as a community as a whole,
actually, I think building on those resources,
making sure that those resources are known within
the adoption community because they're there.
If they're not there, I think what we should be doing is creating those opportunities.
Something that I hope to do down the road is inform
people of the resources that are there when it comes
to adoption and transracial adoptions as well.
I think in general,
I think one word that I would just capture all of that is
spreading awareness and spreading knowledge.
I think knowledge is key when it comes to adoption.
I think if my parents or the state could have actively
involved themselves in getting to know more about trauma,
getting to know more about the development of kids in foster care,
or even just the development of them in the womb even,
I think would have been a huge impact on my life.
I think inform knowledge and
just that consistent drive of wanting to learn more, I think.
Yeah. You had mentioned earlier that
two of your sisters have similar racial makeup.
We've also heard from other adoptees like the importance of having
racial mirrors in your life.
When you were children,
did the three of you have anyone else outside of your family that
were in your circle or in your community that you felt connected to racially?
A little bit. Yeah.
Like I said, we had two hairstylists that were both black as well.
Then we had a lady in our ward that was African-American.
We really liked her actually and we were able to connect with her.
I want to say as much when we were younger,
but I would say early teenagers,
those racial mirrors were more there.
I think with me playing sports and stuff,
I had a black coach and then had a black barber,
and then obviously more black kids in the area.
Having differently teammates and school classmates also,
I saw a few people that looked like me as well.
I think just naturally,
I think those racial mirrors appeared,
but I think actively they weren't there as much.
It could have been more intentional.
I think it could have been.
This might be. Okay. Absolutely.
More intentional for sure,
but I think just naturally to living in Southern Utah,
there's not many people of color.
I think that affected it,
but it's interesting now because I see a little soft spot in my heart.
There's times I go to the grocery store with my mom or whatever,
and I see this white mom pushing around this brown child.
The dad might be black,
but I always think, oh my gosh,
that was me as a child.
There's a lot more people here in St. George.
Like I said, it's just great to see those racial mirrors and see that there's
more diversity within the community that I grew up in. It's really cool.
Thanks for sharing that. How do you navigate this almost dual identity or a sense of
belonging to both your adoptive family and your birth family in that culture?
Yeah, it's really difficult.
I've talked to my one sister just about aging with me several times about this,
but it's difficult.
I first really started involving myself with
my biological family in general when my dad passed away.
There's a few of my family members on my mom's side actually that were at his funeral,
and so I connect to both sides actually around the same time.
But yeah, it's difficult.
It's a constant battle with myself because I'm just a caring person and I want to love and care for
everybody at the same time I know that I can't force that on other people.
So I think when it comes to some of my biological siblings on my mom's side,
it's hard to mend those relationships just because I don't think it's as reciprocated enough.
So that's kind of hard.
But then on my dad's side, I think honestly,
what was I trying to say?
I think effort is an important key when it comes to all of this.
And so I think I definitely put a decent amount of effort into wanting a relationship with them,
and I think they do as well.
But I think it's definitely difficult.
Yeah, there's a lot of words I could say,
but I'm also that type of person where I kind of I don't want to speak for other people, right?
And so I don't want to make sure certain things.
I would say just generally, yeah, I think communication and effort speaks volumes when it comes to relationships in general.
But I think that would be the key takeaway point for me when it comes to balancing the dual identity of foster care adoption on both sides.
We're really just the effort into relationship for sure.
Maybe building on this a little bit.
So you mentioned in the beginning, it was closed or in that you didn't have any type of communication or knowledge of who your biological birth family was, then it opened up.
You know, a lot of people listening to this podcast may consider, like, why is open adoption important for the adoptee?
What are the benefits?
And obviously, there's challenges that come with it, but maybe could you highlight some of the benefits and maybe some of the challenges that you've faced now that your adoption is open?
Yeah, absolutely.
So I would say challenges, like I said, obviously, my parents kind of really hide it, not that they would.
But so I remember looking at pictures as a kid and seeing pictures of my biological dad.
But I don't think it really like I don't think I was really consciously aware that I was looking at him until I think around that age, like eight, like I said.
So knowing that, like, I was adopted and knowing that, like, I had this other family was very interesting to me at the same time, like my family was obviously very loving and caring.
And so I didn't feel the need to really explore that until later on in my life.
And so but as I look at it now, as I look back on that, I'm like, oh, OK, looking at like my whole depression and anxiety, right?
Maybe if I would have had that relationship with my biological father or a sibling or a cousin on my Black side, I might have been able to relate to some of these anxiety triggers I was having due to my racial identity that they could have helped me with.
And so I think when it comes to kind of those negative aspects of that closed adoption, I think really are just kind of surrounded around my racial identity.
Unfortunately, I think just knowing where I came from now and knowing that, like, I think just knowing the story in general, because I think that was another big part of it, too, is like, OK, why didn't my dad my dad just like raised me or why didn't my mom raised me?
I think now that I have those questions answered, I think it's a really it's another part of my healing journey that is really beneficial for me.
But I think those relationships are continuing to grow.
But I think knowing where I came from and knowing all of that is really helpful.
So how have you dealt with questions or curiosity from others regarding your adoption?
Yeah, I would say up until about like this year, I have dealt with it pretty, pretty good.
It's always kind of funny because it's one of those things where like in high school and middle school, I was always asked a question or people always ask the question of like, oh, like, what's something unique about you?
And I'd always say like foster care, like I was adopted or something like that, and everyone was like, oh, my gosh, like, no way. That's crazy.
And so I think getting questions like that are very interesting to me.
But yeah, what do you feel like some of the misconceptions or stereotypes about adoption are and what would you want people to understand?
Yes, probably one that like our parents don't love us or that they didn't care about us or something like that.
I would say. Or that like kids and foster care like unwanted, I think that's just a crazy stereotype.
I don't even know where it came up with that one.
I think just things like that are definitely huge misconceptions.
How do you feel like the number of experiences you've had in your life now shapes or affects your relationships with others?
Oh, yeah, I would say it's pretty difficult, actually.
I think that's one of the things that well, one of my main things actually that I'm probably going to work on in therapy for the rest of my life is balancing those relationships.
I think there's so many caveats to my experiences, you know, being adopted, being in foster care, being in all of these programs that like have shaped me in the person I am today.
And so I think there's a lot of healing when it comes to like, you know, trusting other people.
I think another part of that is actually oversharing.
You know, I think that's something that even just this month, you know, because it is foster care awareness month, I've I've never really felt this way before,
but it hasn't been up until this month where I've kind of stepped back a little bit and been like, you know what, like I can be that foster care advocate.
I can share my story and I can help people because of that.
At the same time, like that doesn't need to be who I am.
That doesn't need to be my full personality.
And so I think really just balancing.
Yeah, it's really unique, right? It really is.
I think there's a huge push nowadays, obviously, to speak out against things.
And I think there's obviously some really amazing benefits of that.
At the same time, it's like I think there's some things that you can kind of just keep to yourself.
And so I think up until this moment, like I have shared a lot of details about my life and a lot of public areas, and I will continue to do that, obviously.
But I think instead of, you know, going into my past, I think I'm going to go into the current and the future and my goals that I have now versus the things that I had to go through.
You know, because like I said, all of these things have shaped me into the person I am and I want to change that.
And so it's not like I'm forgetting those things, but it's almost like I can help from those things because it's hard, especially like as an advocate and all these things we speak about.
Like, it's constantly reliving that trauma in a lot of ways.
And, you know, some psychology and meeting with my therapist, I've realized that like bringing those things up all the time is not healthy for you, unfortunately.
And so I think that's kind of like the current temperature of my life right now is kind of that idea of like not having not feeling the pressure to share every single detail about my life every day.
Yeah, I mean, it's got to be challenging.
And I think, you know, if we put all of our identity or focus all of our identity into one aspect of our life and everything revolves around that,
when we have ups in that area or downs in that area, it really affects us a lot.
Right. And so I get I get the the feeling of kind of spreading it out and not not saying that this is this is me and this is all of me.
But this is a part of who I am. And this is a part of what I've experienced.
But that doesn't define everything. Yeah, that's challenging.
How how have your adoptive parents helped you navigate your relationship with your biological parents, your birth parents?
Yeah, definitely. I would say, you know, like I said, meeting my family at 15 was really difficult.
But since then, they've always really been supportive of, you know, having that relationship with them.
I think that's really it's difficult because there's a part of me that's like, I don't want to hurt my adoptive parents.
I don't want to hurt them and, you know, be like, oh, I didn't care about them or I didn't love them as much.
And so I think there's a part of me that's really, really what's the word I'm looking for?
Resistant, yeah, resistant to connecting with my biological family at the same time, like they've always been fully supportive of that.
And so I think just things from like, you know, there's times where like I would even just like get dropped off at them or I was like, hey, I want to go visit my biological cousin.
Can you take me to this get together? And I was able to kind of go with them.
And so there has always been kind of like that active commitment to allowing me to have a relationship with them.
But I think now as a 22 year old, as an adult, you know, I'm having to navigate that myself, you know.
But no, they always my parents always did a great job of being able to allow me to explore that because that's something that they know I really wanted.
So, yeah, I I love how you how you shared that.
My thought was actually my next question was going to be navigating that relationship now as an adult.
Any advice for the the adoptee who's a teenager coming up on adulthood or the adoptive parents who have a teenager that's coming up on adulthood and how they can kind of transition that to to the adoptee rather than the adoptive parents?
Yeah, absolutely. I would say just keep an open mind.
You know, I think there's I think for a lot of adoptees, right, we have kind of that, you know, fairy tale ending or that expectation that our biological family are going to be like these perfect, amazing people.
Right. And so I think just keeping like an open mind when it comes to that, I know for me, you know, just not knowing much about them in general, there wasn't I don't think I had really high expectations as much.
I think the expectations I did have was like, I hope that they want a relationship with me and I hope that like they're in like a good place.
And so I think finding that within yourself and knowing that, like, just to keep an open mind and I think just adoption is really difficult.
And so you never kind of know what to expect.
And so giving yourself grace, I think that's a word that I'll say time and time again is allowing to find that within your heart that like it's OK, whatever happens or it's OK.
Yeah. Yeah. To the to the teenage adoptee listening to this, what I mean, in addition to giving yourself grace, like what other advice or tips would you share?
I would say that it is going to be OK.
I think. I was such something that I was really struggling with, you know, as a teenager, like in care, although I did, you know, have that relationship with my adoptive family, like I did feel lost and I did feel scared and I felt like nobody wanted me.
And I was just in this weird place of like wanting to just age out and wanted to be on my own and do my own thing.
And and so I think what I would tell the, you know, all the adoptees out there, all the youth in foster care that are getting ready to age out that like it's going to be OK, you know, as long as you are able to just, like I said, find it within yourself and give yourself grace.
And now that like this and that you are adult, like it's not a forever thing and that you are going to be able to overcome those things, you are going to be able to grow as a person despite those experiences and care.
And so I think just continuing to grow every day, you know, do something little every single day, just getting up, you know, going outside, reading a book, I think just a little things really honestly add up.
I know for me, obviously, with my passion of music, I think I want to have had music in my life.
I want to be in the place I am now. But I think just finding those things that you really enjoy to do and finding your passions and goals in life, I think is really going to be helpful for you when it comes to moving forward in your life.
Awesome. And for our listeners, I did hear Kaden sing live and he does have an amazing voice.
So I'm glad that that passion has helped you probably even heal but have a place to turn when maybe some of the emotions are challenging to deal with.
And yeah, I love that you shared that. Thank you so much. Well, as we begin to wrap up, any kind of parting thoughts or any messages that you would want to leave our listeners with?
I would just say, I think the foster care and adoption community as a whole.
I think what we really all need is to just come together as a community and support each other. And so I would say for everybody listening, you know, there's so many resources out there.
There's so many things you could be doing from reposting something on social media to volunteering for a nonprofit to, you know, opening up your arms to adopting a kid in foster care.
I think it's just going to be so beneficial to this community. I think it's one of those things where it's like if you look statistically, right, like even within this month of foster care awareness month, like, I don't know exactly the number changes every single day.
But like, there's been so many kids who have been placed into the foster care system. And so I think being aware of that and being aware that there's so many kids impacted by, you know, adoption and all of that, I think is just going to be something that keeps us going.
Something that keeps us on our feet of constantly trying to do something to change this world for better.
But yeah, I think honestly just continue to do things that you enjoy and continue to do things that you love and are passionate about is really think what's going to help this community as a whole.
Awesome. Well, like I mentioned, you do a lot on social media for our listeners, where can they, where can they connect with you or see some of the see some of the things that you're advocating for on social media.
Yeah, absolutely. So my Instagram is like the main account that I use. So it's my first name and then my middle name so Caden, C-A-D-O-N, and then Riley, R-I-L-E-Y, but I post a lot on there.
Like I mentioned, I am a singer songwriter and so I am actually going to be coming out with another song this summer. So hopefully in the next month or so, so be on the lookout for that.
Awesome.
Very cool. Well, Caden, thank you so much for being with us. We, we love you. Like Lanette and I have just been felt like just really connected to you after we met a month ago and are inspired by you and are just so grateful for all the work you're doing in this community.
Well, thank you so much for having me on this podcast. And likewise, I think meeting you and Lanette was just an amazing experience and being able to kind of hear the things that you guys are doing when it comes to like open adoption, I think is very inspiring and very needed in this world.
And so once again, thank you so much for having me.
You bet. Thanks so much.
Well, Caden, thank you so very much for being with us on the show today. It really is such a privilege to know you. We're so thankful for your vulnerability and sharing these personal experiences and thoughts and teaching us and helping us to do better going forward.
I really just love and respect Caden. He's a great person.
Yeah. I think from today's conversation, I'm kind of like, trying to walk like, what am I walking away with altogether and I have these just like stronger encouragement or deeper desire to just love and particularly love people who are in circumstances that are less than ideal kind of challenging.
I feel like that's a big takeaway from a lot of our conversations, right? Like in adoption, I think love really needs to be at the center of all we're doing, right? Loving these first parents, loving these children and yeah, love, respect, communication, compassion.
These are just really important elements of creating harmony and strong relationships.
Yeah. And I love that we could hear from Caden. Our goal and our hope as a podcast, as an organization, is to elevate the voice of adoptees. And while you heard in this conversation, like we recorded this back in May, which was foster care awareness month, and he had been talking at a lot of different engagements and he shared, you know, sometimes it's difficult over sharing.
And I think that's the challenge and kind of a balance here, but we really appreciate the fact that he would share his experience so that we can learn from him.
Yeah, I feel like that challenge resonates with us. We have a hard time too. I know a lot of people struggle more with the other side of that, right? Like feeling comfortable sharing anything is hard.
But Shaun and I think fall in that same category that Caden was talking about where it's, yeah, we have a harder time trying to make sure we're not sharing too much information. And yeah, it's a hard time.
But yeah, I mean, we're just so thankful for him teaching us, helping us and helping the community. He does a lot of work to try to make things better for other individuals in foster care.
Yeah. And I actually just had a phone call with him earlier while I was editing and he said he is going to be dropping a new song in the next week or two. So when he does, we'll be sure to include that in our social media as well.
He has a beautiful voice. It was really fun to hear him sing at the Foster Care Symposium.
All right. Well, thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Open Adoption Project. And once more again, Caden, thank you for your willingness to be with us.
Yep. Keep listening for more adoptee experiences and help us as we strive to keep adoptees at the center of all that we do.
Thank you.