Do you know Hugh Edwards, the UK news presenter, who announced the death of the Queen and does
all of the mega important announcements like election coverage and all that stuff?
You know he's been found guilty of manufacturing child pornography on an industrial scale?
What the fuck?
But who broke the news?
The Sun of all places.
Wow.
Yeah, awful.
But I did think, one silver lining, Prince Andrew managed to get the death of his mum
announced by a mate.
Oh, that's what, you know what I mean?
That's nice that is man.
Like when one of you eats, all of you eats.
Let's not use that analogy ever again.
Hello everyone and welcome to the Every Movie Ever podcast.
My name is Ben Groves.
My name is Rob McFarlane and welcome to the show, a movie podcast slash mental health
check in for two broken brained best friends talking around their problems, but not about
their problems whilst laughing at movies.
Not yet.
Yeah, you know, yeah.
Whilst laughing at movies.
But given that this is a thinly veiled mental health check in Ben, I feel like more important
than what we're doing.
How are you doing?
I am good buddy.
I'm doing good.
It's, I've got a banging headache.
It's a thousand and two degrees in this fucking room.
Yeah.
But other than that, I'm like, I've been working really hard recently on my whole self worth
thing.
Oh yeah.
I've got this, I've got this bad habit of like tying all of my, see, see.
There we go.
I'm getting up there man.
I'm getting up there.
You know what I mean?
Was a quid, now it's three.
Now you're almost the worth a gas station sandwich.
There you go.
You know what I mean?
Bacon and bacon, extra mayo.
No, I always, I've got this bad habit of tidying myself worth to sort of like shit that doesn't
really matter.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I've done it in the past with jobs, with relationships, with like, it's just, it's all external stuff.
And if I think it was like a thing of, if I externalize it, then it's not my fault.
You know what I mean?
I can just deal with it.
Totally, totally.
Whereas recently I'm being way more honest about my boundaries, but with myself.
You brought self esteem back in house rather than outsourcing it to China.
Yeah.
See?
But now I'm, now I do feel like I'm paying over the odds.
I mean, I know myself quite well.
You are.
I feel like it's not worth it.
Human rights are expensive.
That's what I'm saying, man.
You know what I mean?
All this bitch wants to do is sleep and eat.
Fucking rude.
But yeah, self love, man.
I'm feeling all right.
How are you?
I, it is hot as hell today.
It is hotter than Hugh Edwards afterlife.
And I'm so fucking glad you said afterlife.
Holy shit.
I was going to take a severe left turn very early in the show.
Fuck me.
I was mid vape.
I nearly fucking choked.
You know what I mean?
Uh, I, do you know what?
When I, when I wrote that, that pithy little quip, I hadn't even considered that you would
think that there would be a different ending to that.
Yeah.
I thought you were going to say hard drive.
And I was going to be like, well, this, this show's ruined.
We need to start over.
Yeah.
Don't worry, mate.
I'm not, you're not Mr. Beast.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
So what were you saying, Ava?
I'm just warm man.
And like I'm a goth.
I don't do well in the heat.
I don't own anything but thick black jeans and thick black t-shirts.
I'm sitting here in black jeans and a black fucking t-shirt right now, dude.
My family wanted to go swimming and I'm like, I can go swimming with you in a week when
my swimming shorts arrive from eBay.
I don't own any pre-owned.
You've seen a goth in a swimming pool.
It's not, it's not.
No, you don't want to.
I mean, you say that.
Depends on the goth.
You say that.
Yeah.
Yeah, it does.
You ever seen a male goth in a swimming pool?
You don't want to.
I mean, again, you know what I mean?
All right.
Well, in my case, I just look like latter day Robert Smith who's drowned.
I'm fucking in it, man.
I'm in that pool.
Swift high five.
What are we doing this week, Ben?
This week, buddy, we're back on the alien train.
No one can hear a scream.
Oh no.
Apparently someone can somewhere.
Maybe.
Probably.
Can you?
Let us know in the discord.
We're doing, buddy, the fourth installment of the original alien franchise.
We are.
Alien resurrection.
Now we cover every movie in every franchise.
And so you could accuse us of picking franchises that have got great titans of cinema at the
early stages and a relevant bullshit in the later stages.
And you could say that we're just covering this because we had to cover the first two
or three, right?
No.
Right.
Allow me to disagree.
Allow me to retort.
Allow me to rebuff those accusations.
Rebut yourself, buddy.
Go for it.
This franchise has been through the highest of highs and this film may represent the lowest
of its lows, but this franchise is about to roar back to life because we are going to
be covering Romulus, baby.
Yeah.
I mean, it's Fedee Alvarez.
I'm excited, mate.
I don't shut up.
I'm mad excited.
There's like a 70% chance he's just going to fucking ruin the franchise.
It's more alien.
And frankly, Ben, I don't get-
So was resurrection.
And look what happened there.
If I hadn't seen it before and I saw it for the first time in the cinema at 1997, I might
have gone, ah, it was all right.
It's only over time and repeated viewings that I've gone, oh no, oh no.
Even if Fedee Alvarez's Alien Romulus is bad, I'm not going to be a hundred percent sure
of that by the time the credits roll on my first watch.
I'm going to go-
I will.
Oh.
I will.
A thousand percent.
That man's ruined too much for me.
I'm like, okay, I'm done.
Like I checked out as soon as he shit on the Evil Dead franchise, right?
As soon as he took out all charisma and all subtlety and all nuance from that entire franchise
and just went, blood, she's going to kill a dog.
Also, she's now the hero.
It's like, fuck you, man.
Yeah, yeah.
We covered all the Evil Dead films and I remember your burning anger when we got to Fedee Alvarez.
I'm excited for Romulus, but I'm also, I'm having very reserved feelings about it.
I've got a complicated relationship with Fedee Alvarez.
He doesn't know I exist.
I fucking despise him.
It gets complicated.
Yeah.
I think he turns franchises inside out and he goes, what if we took all that beautiful
subtext that hinted out layer?
Yeah.
And just made it incredibly simplistically obvious.
Yeah.
What about if we took like the allegories and punched you in the face with them?
Right.
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's no longer a nice horror film that has a subtext.
The subtext is the horror.
And I can almost imagine that I'm going to see a human being have penetrative sex with
the xenomorph in Alien Romulus.
And I'm curious, color me curious.
Okay.
All right.
But enough of that.
We've not got time.
We've got too much to go on with this week.
We're going to cover how Fox picked itself up after the critical and commercial roasting
that Alien 3 got.
How the hell did they convince Sigourney Weaver to come back?
Where everyone's favorite problematically abusive writer, Joss Whedon was trying to
go.
And the original French art house director Jean-Pierre Junet worked completely against
Josh's ideas.
Joss sticks.
And the state of the franchise today, after languishing in crossover hell for decades,
we approach the upcoming terror of Romulus.
Romulus!
I don't know why I've defaulted to pronouncing Romulus like pigs in space from The Muppets,
but yeah, maybe that's what it will be.
Only time will tell.
If I said to you, Ben, that when this film came out in 1997, it cost $70 million.
Where?
Right.
Where?
You've got to remember, CGI was new.
They were doing the CGI in this film on computers about as powerful as the ones that we have
in our pockets.
They were like, this server farm has got a two gigahertz processor.
And they're like, wow.
How many cores?
One.
How much RAMs it got?
Yes.
Should we do all the film in CGI?
Yeah.
But what if I told you that it made 161 million?
Okay.
That's not too bad.
That's way more than I was expecting.
Right.
But you always say that.
But do you remember last last time we were on Aliens and I was like, let's adjust that
for inflation.
Do it.
If Dune 4 came out.
Yeah.
And made 300 mil.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's pretty good.
But that would be like weekend though, right?
That would be like opening weekend.
In a weekend.
That's this is its total income.
300 mil.
I mean.
Alien and Aliens were some of the biggest films to ever hit sci fi.
Yeah.
And the fourth one in the series makes 300 mil.
Nah.
Okay.
You know, fine.
I'd say it's a flop.
But hey, I mean, 300 mil is a massive commercial disappointment and still more than I think
this film deserves.
Yes.
Do I agree wholeheartedly?
Now that being said, we have received some feedback from some of our new listeners who
joined us for the Alien series that we kind of front load our criticism and then we come
with the good stuff.
Right.
Okay.
I'm a big believer in if you haven't got anything nice to say, say nothing.
Thanks for joining us this week guys.
It's been an absolute pleasure hanging out with you.
We will be back at some point.
I think there is, there is, I can save this.
I can spin this.
All right.
I can spin this because I got to be honest, this film means fuck all to me.
This is my Alien 3.
You know, you watched Alien 3 and you're like, what is this?
Yes.
All the things I love about Alien 3 absent from this film.
Okay.
So the experience you had watching Alien 3, I had watching this.
All right.
So I had a slightly different relationship with this film growing up.
Right.
I was, so as a kid, obviously Alien and Aliens was shown to me at a very young age and I
was like invested in them.
They were fun.
They were, they were genuinely like, oh, spooky, scary.
It's important.
You should know what's possible out there, you know, in the science world.
And then Alien 3 came along and fucking ruined it.
And I was like, okay, that's fine.
You know, I can, I can just like the first two films.
And then this one came out and I was like, I remember watching it.
I think I was watching it with my brother.
It might've been my sister.
Apologies to whomever ever listens to this.
They don't.
There's no core memory.
I think it was my brother and we watched it and it was just one of those films where you
sit and you rip into it for a bit.
So you had a really good time with it.
You have fun and it's light and it's breezy and it doesn't matter anymore because it's
already dead.
Exactly.
You're just playing with a corpse.
Exactly.
You're just, you're just slapping about in the organs at this point.
You know what I mean?
Just pitter pattering in the intestines.
Like it's just, it's just a fun laugh.
It's a freeze anymore for you, bud.
Yeah.
Thanks man.
Yeah.
Nice.
You do or don't like this film.
I can't tell now.
Well, if we, if we're getting criticized on putting the critique heavy at the beginning,
I'm going to spin it as well, mate.
I'm going to go out on a limb.
Yeah.
I'm going to say that this is your favorite Alien film of all time.
It might be my second.
Fuck off.
It's definitely my third favorite, but it might be my second.
I mean, it's offensive either way to me.
This has to be your fourth favorite.
Otherwise I hate you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out.
Right.
I love comic books.
I like comic books because it's very straightforward.
It's to the point.
Yeah.
All of the, all of the dialogue is very bap bap bap bap.
Porny.
It has to be said.
Yes.
It's like cheesy dialect.
It doesn't exist in, in real world.
It's a miracle that Ron Perlman doesn't walk onto that basketball court and go, is that
a lemon whore?
Yeah, exactly.
It's, it's, it's that.
Right.
So I like that goofy element of it.
I like the fact that it's just a weird pace.
It's a weird tone.
It's just an odd film and it makes me happy to watch it.
Cause I'm like, it's so stupid.
Yeah.
Fair.
Just nothing means anything anymore.
No, there's no sense here.
We're not paying attention to the law.
No one gives a shit about the last film.
And it's just sort of like a breath of fresh air to go, you know what?
Fuck it.
Yeah.
It's dead.
It's ruined.
I'm just going to play around now.
Yeah.
Well, tell you what, let's drop a spoiler warning.
Go on.
I'm going to drop a spoiler warning.
All right.
So I say spoiler.
Spoilers.
This film is 25 years old.
I wouldn't date it, but if I was drunk enough, I might spend a night around theirs.
It's 25 Rob.
It's practically a child.
What?
You need to calm down.
Fucking what is it?
Huey Lewis of the news.
Who is it?
Prince and the revolution.
Yeah, that's it.
Prince and the sexual revolution.
Sure.
There you go.
Dora the sexual explorer.
No, there you go.
That's arguably more nonsense than that.
There you go.
I assure you I've read the article.
It really isn't.
But this is different.
All right.
This isn't like us telling you how Wolverine dies in Deadpool three.
All right.
This film has been out for ages.
Yeah.
So just deal with it.
Exactly.
We're all grownups here.
There you go.
Probably.
Also, Deadpool three is quite fun.
Haven't seen it, mate.
Right.
I've written this week's breakdown.
It's to the point is what I'll say about it.
You say that.
I've got a page full of text.
It's the one part of the show that's pre written and it might be all the show this week because
no, I just get carried away.
It's not that much.
It's not that much, but this film's mental.
It's such an and then and then and then.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
It's one of those.
It's one of those sheets of paper where everyone writes a line of the story.
Yes.
And then you fold it over.
And it's like, why?
Why is this now?
Yeah.
Oh, no reason.
I said I always I'll come back to this point.
I'll come back to this point.
Do it.
The point I should have made nearly in three.
But it's it people complain about alien three doing.
I'll get to it.
Part one.
Ripley's in time.
Oh, quite nice.
Right.
It's like ripples in time, but not right.
Two hundred years after Ellen Ripley's death, the United Systems military aboard the spaceship
USM, Oregon successfully clones her.
This eighth iteration Ripley eight is created to extract the alien queen embryo still inside
her.
The scientists led by Dr. Wren and Dr. Geddermann.
Oh, well, he comes up later.
Plan to breed the xenomorphs and military purposes.
However, Ripley eight emerges as a hybrid of enhanced strength, reflexes and acidic blood
due to the alien DNA.
Sure.
He's just gone through the menopause because that's.
Oh, could you imagine?
As she begins to remember fragments of her past life, she struggles with her identity
and her connection to the xenomorphs.
Simultaneously, a group of mercenaries, including Elgin, Cole, Johnna, Vries and Christie Hillard
Purvis.
We don't need to remember all these.
I certainly fucking didn't know they arrive on the Oregon.
They deliver kidnapped humans to serve as hosts for the aliens.
They're not really aware of the true extent of the USM's experiments.
Call, however, she's played by Winona Ryder.
You do need to remember her.
She's secretly an android because we've never seen that before.
No.
With a mission to stop the alien project.
Right.
She attempts to assassinate Ripley eight, but fails in a weirdly homoerotic scene.
Kind of is.
The xenomorphs are that comes up later as well.
When the xenomorphs inevitably escape containment because we haven't seen this film three fucking
times already.
I know, right?
The stage is set for chaos and a fight for survival in alien back here again.
Yeah, right.
But to X, you know, morphs gonna give it to you.
I can't come in that.
I can't go on that.
No, no, because the xenomorph is a is a Zed sound.
Yeah, it would have to be said.
Go and give it to you said.
Go and get it.
No, it's X, the enamorph going to give it to you.
Okay.
Just let me be.
Fuck you.
All right.
Yeah, I thought we were leaving the critical shit until later.
That's true.
Sorry.
Thanks.
I'm hating on your fandom.
I know.
With the xenomorphs free, the Auriga descends into chaos.
Shocker.
The aliens swiftly overrun the ship.
Shocker.
Killing the crew.
Shocker.
And spreading terror.
Now that does surprise me because if honest, I didn't even think Al Qaeda were around in
1997.
I know, right?
Let alone hiring xenomorphs.
God, it's insane.
Obviously, sorry if you're a member of the xenomorph race and feel like being compared
to Al Qaeda.
Apologies on our behalf.
You know what I mean?
That's our bad.
Yeah.
Ripley 8 and the mercenaries are forced to join forces navigating the infested corridors
to find a way off the doomed vessel.
As they progress, they discover the extent of the experiments, including failed Ripley
clothes.
That bit which is like, kill me.
Yeah.
Fucking great.
It's a rare ray of light.
Oh, beautiful.
Showcasing the monstrous efforts to weaponize the xenomorphs.
Ripley 8's alien instincts and abilities become increasingly evident, causing tension and
mistrust amongst the group.
However, her knowledge proves invaluable in combating the aliens.
Cole reveals her true nature as an advanced synthetic designed to prevent the misuse of
the xenomorphs.
Makes no fucking sense.
Stupid.
And she forms an uneasy alliance with Ripley 8.
The group plans to escape using the mercenary ship, the Betty.
But first, they must reach it.
Aldi Auriga drifts towards Earth on a collision course, threatening global catastrophe.
This whole thing is fucking stupid.
Part 3.
Weaver save the queen.
She ain't no human being.
Right?
That's pretty good, man.
Well done.
Thanks.
Rhyming through dyslexia.
That's the name of an educational album.
Definitely.
Educational hip hop album for nine year olds.
For dyslexics, actually.
Okay.
Same thing.
In the final act, the survivors face their greatest challenge.
They encounter the alien queen, which has developed a new reproductive method, giving
birth to a grotesque hybrid creature called the newborn.
Yeah.
You've written monstrous, but this comical being with human traits, tits and nips and
alien traits, tits and nips, sees Ripley 8 as its mother.
In a dramatic and intense confrontation, Ripley 8 uses her unique connection to the aliens
to lure the newborn into a trap, ultimately destroying it to protect humanity.
Yes.
The remaining survivors, including Ripley 8 and Cole, manage to board the Betty.
They set the Auriga on a collision course with Earth, ensuring the ship's destruction
and the elimination of the alien threat.
As they watch the Auriga explode from the safety of their ship, Ripley 8 and Cole look
out over a desolate, futuristic Earth contemplating their future.
Ripley 8, torn between her human and alien nature, faces an uncertain path ahead in a
world still grappling with the consequence of humanity's relentless pursuit of power
and control.
Ben?
Yes, buddy?
I mean, I...
I was reaching.
Yeah, because literally, an alien newborn gets sucked out of a bullet hole.
Yes.
Like it's the worst episode of fucking Fake Taxi ever.
The best episode of Fake Taxi ever.
All right, Hugh Edwards, it's young.
And then they look out a window and go, what now?
And she goes, Dunno.
And then the film ends.
Yeah.
Oh wait, did you not watch the director's cut?
Yeah, I did.
And they sat on a ruined Paris and went, oh, what now?
And they went, Dunno.
But they were fighting all that time to protect Earth.
And then it was like, oh, Earth is already a desert.
So what the fuck were we doing?
Well, you say fighting to protect Earth.
When that ship crash lands, I was expecting, like, I was expecting, you know, because Earth
is quite big, I reckon.
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
I've walked around a fair bit of it and I reckon the Earth's pretty big.
The spaceship probably looked to me about the size of your average shopping center.
Okay, I'll agree.
So not as big as Earth.
Not as big, right?
At least half the size.
Sure.
Except for the shot of it crashing into Earth where it literally wipes out a continent.
Big shit, man.
It's like someone's thrown a golf ball at an orange.
Look, Walmart bought Wayland and therefore they're just shopping centers now.
You know what I mean?
They're just floating shopping centers.
It's wall-y.
It's wall-y, but better.
I hate that Walmart buying Wayland-Yutani is canonically true because of this.
Yeah, I know, right?
Right, so I'm going to set a positive tone.
Okay.
Because I got a whole bunch of stuff about how this happened.
Yep.
I got a whole bunch of stuff about why this happened and I got a whole bunch of stuff
about how I feel about it.
I'm wanting to hear it.
But here's the thing.
In one of the earlier episodes, we mentioned that this franchise changes genre almost every
entry, right?
First one's a horror sci-fi, second one's an action sci-fi, third one is like a prison
drama set in space.
Sure.
And you were like, I started checking to see if bits were meant to be funny.
Now this one, I would argue, written by Joss Whedon, who at the time had written Buffy,
but would go on to have a very successful career as an abuser and a slightly less successful
career as a writer of The Avengers and Firefly and all sorts of stuff.
We smashed it.
Yeah, absolutely.
And then he started writing.
Nice, nice.
You know, he wrote this and you can see this is meant to be a sort of proto Firefly.
I would argue this was kind of meant to be the comedy entry.
I think it's supposed to be sort of comedic, lighthearted, kind of adventure movie.
All right, it's dead now.
Let's have play.
It's weekend at Bernie's.
Let's play with the corpse.
Right.
Dancing on the corpses ashes.
Like the monster isn't scary anymore.
We're just going to embrace that and just have them...
Is that at the drive-in?
Yeah.
Dancing on the corpses ashes.
Fucking banger.
The slight delay between us makes, honestly makes the show because we would, we would
sing every episode if that was possible.
Oh man, a thousand percent mate.
Dancing on the corpses ashes is going into my playlist real quick.
Sorry.
Nice.
Continue.
So at the drive-in aside, I do feel like this was meant to be lighter.
Yes, I feel so too.
But I feel it had to be because essentially what happened is there was one guy and I cannot
pronounce his name and I cannot find anywhere on the internet where it has read out.
But George Saraluigi.
Nailed it.
Let's go.
I'm just committing to that.
I know it's wrong, but it's George Saraluigi.
No, no, no.
He loved Alien.
He worked his way up at Fox.
He was like, maybe, maybe that's what, that can be my contribution.
I bring Alien back.
Yeah.
Get a treat.
Got to make a name for yourself.
And then there's Joss Whedon, who's weirdly just come off Waterworld.
Great film.
I mean, when I, yeah, writing Waterworld.
He's not just been to Waterworld.
That's it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's fine.
He did some writing stuff.
I'll get to that later.
But basically, okay, guess his treatment together.
The third act set on earth.
He kind of likes it.
And they're like, cool, let's get a director.
Yeah.
And of course every director had seen Alien 3 and heard why it was like that and was like,
nah, nah, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
So here's a couple people that they asked.
Okay.
You're going to be surprised.
Danny Boyle.
Director of 28 Days Later, director of Trainspotting, director of Slumdog Millionaire.
Sunshine.
I'm not, okay.
I've got a complicated relationship with Danny Boyle as well.
Are you going to tell the story where he spoils sunshine for you, thus spoiling it for the
listeners for the fifth time?
Because we've had that like six times on this show.
I'm still not over it.
Right.
Okay.
I'm still a mess, Rob, and I need to get it out of my system.
You know what I mean?
But new listeners, by all means, by all means.
I avoided all trailers and all everything about sunshine.
Right.
Because it was coming out.
I was dead excited about it.
I was like, fucking yes.
Oh my God, really?
I know.
Right.
Baffling.
Wow.
I avoided everything.
And then on some fucking throw away, like morning TV show bullshit, Danny Boyle was
on.
I was like, oh, wow, this is going to be interesting.
Exciting.
And that, that cunt sat there and was like, yeah.
So my new film coming out, Sunshine.
Dies, but it's just about how they die.
And I was like, cock.
Wow.
Cock.
Yeah.
Because then all I did is sit there for the whole film and just go, well, everyone's dead.
Why do I care about anyone?
I didn't.
And then I left the cinema disappointed.
That's the whole thing.
I know you belittle me and I know you're taking the myth.
No, no, I'm just, I just feel like if anyone hasn't seen sunshine, you've just done the
exact same thing to them.
Good.
It's fucking, it came out in like 2008.
Get over yourselves.
All right.
Do unto others is done unto you.
Yeah.
All right.
Hugh Edwards.
What's that old saying?
It's a Hugh Edwards.
It's just, is there just a hard drive of young Hugh Edwards out there?
Is that what's going on?
Is that what you're saying?
Prince, Prince Andrew's got it.
But Danny, Danny Boyle, Danny Boyle got very close to making it.
He met with Sigourney Weaver and Renona Ryder.
They had French fries.
It was lovely.
That sounds good.
Sigourney was like, I want this to be sexy and psychological.
And he was like, wow.
Right.
Cause she had this whole thing about like, well, I'm equal to the aliens now, so I'm
as dangerous.
And I can be like this new person who's going through a sexual awakening that we've not
seen in Ripley.
It's the late night, he's low cut jeans are a thing.
You know, she wants to get in on that.
Sure.
I can see that.
That's hips out.
Danny's like, that's great.
And I'm really flattered.
But so far I've made train spotting.
Oh, that's a solid CV, man.
Solid CV.
And he was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
CG what?
CGI?
What's the I stand for?
Cause I have no idea.
And he was like, in order to make Alien 4, it might be good if you had a director who's
ever done any special effects.
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you telling me that that baby crawling on the ceiling was a real baby crawling on
the ceiling?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, okay.
One baby on the ceiling does not an alien form.
Just make it a small one on the ceiling.
Although Dead Space.
It would have made a good Dead Space movie.
Yeah.
There you go.
Peter Jackson.
Peter Jackson said no.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can imagine there wasn't enough walking in it.
Well, no, he passed on it because he couldn't get excited about doing a fourth alien film.
Yeah.
Right.
Understandable.
Yeah.
How many Lord of the Rings films now and TV shows?
Sorry.
Yeah.
I think fourth alien.
Yeah.
But the thing is, is that Frodo doesn't throw himself into Mount Doom at the end of.
Oh God.
How good would that have been?
If it wasn't Alien 3.
It's how Lord of the Rings should have ended.
One a done.
Fuck it off.
Who cares?
Jesus Christ.
Sorry, friend of Lord of the Rings fans.
I do rage.
David Cronenberg was asked.
That would have been a fucking sick film.
Do you want to hear David Cronenberg's quote on it?
Yeah.
I'd do it.
He's like, it was tempting for him in it because they were begging me to do it.
And I'd love to work with Sigourney and Winona.
Ride it.
It'd be great fun.
Amazing.
But the problem with doing Aliens 4 is if I'm going to do Aliens 4, then I'm going to
have to deliver Aliens 4.
I'm going to have to try and make it a big movie.
I'm going to have to make it the best version of Aliens 4 I can.
So I'm not going to try and subvert it or make it something else because why spend a
hundred million of the studio's money and just be deceitful and have to fight them all
the time and have them fight you and then end up with something that isn't good either
way.
Look at it this way.
I didn't do The Fly 2.
Why would I do Aliens 4?
Yeah, fuck.
That's a good fucking point, man.
That's a good point.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, fair.
So they went through all these people, but one of the things the producer pointed out
is like, look at the roll call of directors that you're being asked to join.
Okay.
Do you want to do a movie in our franchise?
You're going to be up there with Ridley Scott, James Cameron and David Fincher, who's now
post-7.
Yeah.
So do you reckon you can compete with them?
If you can't, bro, your career is over.
This is so coercive right now.
You're like, you're just bullying people into being the director.
You're not as good as three fantastic directors.
You're not that good.
All right, then we'll just go and ask someone else.
And then he gets back to the car and he's like, that's the 19th fucking person I've
spoken to.
Fuck.
I need to bully someone into it soon, man.
So they ended up with Jean-Pierre Jeunet, which is a really odd fucking choice because
I really like Jean-Pierre.
I don't really understand this.
I don't understand it at all.
I love that guy.
I don't understand the choice for this film particularly.
Right.
So for those people that don't know who Jean-Pierre Jeunet is, he's got three films that I recommend
you watch and we might do them one day.
He's got a film called The City of Lost Children.
He's got a film called Delicatessen and he's got a film called Amélie.
And they are French language, sort of bizarre, fantastical, steampunk, dark, art house, think
poor things 30 years prior.
Yeah.
Avant-garde, weird, art house, French cinema.
And he did all of those movies with a guy called Marc Caro, right?
Who they didn't want.
They were just like, no, just you.
They thought it'd be like, oh, it's bold.
You know, it's bold.
It's different.
He basically, this, I'm not going to lay all the blame at his door.
Okay.
But I think it's, there are three competing forces in this making of.
There's Joss Whedon who wants to do a sort of Firefly script.
Sure.
And there's Jean-Pierre Jeunet who basically just went just here to do whatever the fuck
the studio wants.
Right.
Okay.
He's like, if I try and fight for my vision, I haven't got my best mate who does all of
my production design.
They just want a guy who comes in, goes, what do you want my queen?
And they go this.
And he goes, okay.
What's that?
Sorry, bud.
What's that?
Is that your French accent?
No, that's just a, that's my generic simp accent.
Oh, okay.
Just simping for Fox.
He's like, I've got my money.
There's no point fighting him.
Look what happened to Fincher.
Yeah.
So if they want that, they get that.
And he basically, he said Alien 4, he treated it like one giant commercial.
So essentially they went through all of the directors and then just settled on a yes man
from France.
Yes.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Who had ideas, but they were all wildly, wildly bizarre.
His big contribution to the film ended up getting removed digitally frame by frame in
post production.
Oh, I think I know this.
Oh, but I want to get to it shortly.
Okay.
Well, we'll, we'll, we'll, yeah.
I'm not, I'm not going to, yeah, we'll find out whether I know it or not.
I've done bits of research into this.
Right.
Okay.
This film's fucking mental.
I need to go out on a limb here and say that I'm very fucking happy that Jean Paul, Genet
did direct this.
Okay.
I feel like everyone else that you've mentioned would have made spectacular films.
I don't think they would have been as good because they would have been trying to be
good.
Whereas this one feels like it's just a fuck around.
It a hundred percent is.
I feel like they're trying to do too many things.
I think Jean-Pierre Genet is going, the studio want this to be exciting and scary and sell
merchandise and Sigourney who's an executive wants this to be psychological and sexy.
So he was just saying yes to every fucker that walks up to him.
Okay.
Didn't even speak English for the majority of the production.
That's fucking amazing.
That's actually incredible.
I love this guy so much.
So he's just going there, pay me a boatload of money.
This isn't my, this isn't my art.
This is a, this is a, this is a business venture for me.
They've told me what they want to see.
I'm going to point a camera at what they want to see and I'm going to go home and fucking
roll around on my bed of money.
Yeah, fair.
And Joss Whedon, Joss Whedon is there just looking at his script, getting less and less
and less relevant.
Go in.
Cool.
Cheers buddy.
Joss Whedon is such a weird, weird, weird writer.
Right?
I don't understand that this film doesn't make sense to me for a lot of reasons because
it feels like it's just a stream of consciousness and someone sitting there coming up with a
ton of ideas going, yeah, but what if, and watching the film, right?
Right.
Sitting there and I'm going, right.
Okay.
So Joss Whedon has written this.
I'm going to see what's happening here.
Yeah.
And then all I get from this entire film is Joss Whedon sitting there going, yeah, but
what if Ron Perlman was a chimp who threw knives at disabled people?
And then he just puts it in the fucking film because he wants to see what would happen.
Yeah.
And then after that he's like, but what if Glenn Danzig played in the WNBA and then dressed
as a recording reader?
Watch the basketball scene and tell me that's not Glenn Danzig in the fucking WNBA.
It's insane.
So he just throws it in the film and is like that.
And then he's like, but what if Xenomorphs had human tits and nips?
You know what I mean?
And he just throws it in the film and I love him for it, but I'm also sort of like, buddy.
Okay.
So a couple of rebuttals here, right?
Sure.
Joss Whedon had had a bad time prior to this because he had been asked to punch up the
script for Waterworld.
That was his prior job, right?
Yeah.
And he was working with his first big film writing projects.
He'd done Buffy.
They were like, come in.
Waterworld, by the way, was at the time a children's adventure film where the Dennis
Hopper character was going around hitting henchmen with a fish.
Right.
Okay.
Then Kevin Costner got signed onto the movie and went, I'll only do this if this is a Mad
Max I like on water rather than the desert.
And they got Joss in for a week and he spent seven months being ignored.
That's understandable.
You can see that in the movie.
Also though, Waterworld, very fun film.
Very wet.
Is it a piece of shit?
It's a very wet film.
Is it a piece of shit?
Yes, it is.
Will I ever watch it again?
Absolutely.
Will I enjoy it?
Probably.
Maybe.
Will I moan about it?
For the right reasons?
Yes.
No.
God no.
Right.
So he's a massive alien fan, right?
And he loved Alien 1 and 2, but in his words, and you'll like this, he didn't like that
in the third one, people that he didn't know were killed by the alien.
It was all too much like Friday the 13th.
Cunt.
I thought you might like that.
That's what makes Friday the 13th good.
He wanted to make every scene be something that was amazing and do something comparable
to like Evil Dead.
Oh yeah.
You mean in Evil Dead, that time when Ron Perlman stabs a disabled man while impersonating
a fucking chimp.
Shut up.
Shut up Joss Whedon, you absolute bellend.
Honestly, Ron Perlman is a chimp.
That's not him impersonating a chimp.
No one asked Ron Perlman to be that way.
They can't stop him being that way.
If you cast Ron Perlman, you've got human sized King Kong.
Fair.
We've seen Pacific Rim.
We know how it goes.
We've seen that one uber ball movie that he's in that no one can remember the words of.
You know what I mean?
I've not seen any uber ball movies.
Hold on one second.
One second.
We've all seen that uber ball movie that no one can remember the title of.
You know the one with like Ben Kingsley and Michelle Rodriguez and Mads Mikkelsen and
essentially everyone that exists.
Jason Statham's in it.
He plays a farmer.
Jason Statham's aren't in a uber ball movie.
No, I work with them.
Sorry, mate.
Did you want to pick up that name that you just dropped?
No, no, no.
I'm leaving it there.
Other defenses here of Joss Whedon.
So he's just come off Waterworld.
He's having a bad time.
They've given him this script.
He's trying to, he writes it all about Newt, a clone of Newt.
They then call up Sigourney Weaver and go, do you want to do another one?
That all happens.
And then they go, fuck your script.
Sigourney's back.
So he's got to start again.
Production deadlines still looming.
Ron Perlman is a chimp and the newborn, not his.
His was a spider like vampire creature that they built.
Of course it was.
And then they went, actually, this doesn't physically work.
We can't shoot this.
Right.
Okay.
The man tried.
But did he try in the right direction?
I mean, like everything you've just said to me, I'm like, I don't, come on.
I mean, come on.
Again, I don't know why I'm defending Joss Whedon.
He's clearly got, able to fight.
He can fight for himself.
He's fight his own battles.
Right.
So I mean, but Sigourney Weaver is Glenn Danzig.
Yeah.
I love Sigourney Weaver, Ben.
She's the queen of sci-fi and my heart.
Same.
I need us to stop covering films that she's in because the more I research, the more of
a pain in everyone's ass it's becoming apparent Sigourney Weaver is.
Yes.
It's bad.
I had to calm it down on Ghostbusters because it was just making me sad.
Right.
Which brings me to my next question.
Well, no, no, no.
Because you said Glenn Danzig, right?
Yeah.
She basically designed her own look.
She wanted to be wet at all times.
Amazing.
In the hair department.
Nails it.
But also be sexy.
So like, well, you can't show my vagina, but my hair can be wet.
Sure.
The costume she wears all film.
Yeah.
Not hers.
Donated by Glenn Danzig.
No.
She's one of the other actresses who dies mad early in the film and went, I'm wearing
that this film.
And the costume designer went, no, we've put a lot of work in.
She's like, I'm wearing that.
Amazing.
And they went, but we'll have to redesign for that.
Like, yeah, I'm wearing that.
Amazing.
So you saw the outfit and she picked it.
Amazing.
That's what I love about it.
But speaking of Sigourney Weaver, buddy, I sent you a question about this film and it
was, why the fuck are we here?
And more importantly, why is Sigourney Weaver still entertaining this bullshit?
And it was in all caps and it was after my first watch through.
And after my fourth watch through, I now think I understand it.
She needed the money.
Well, here's the thing.
I've got a direct quote.
Thank you.
And it's more nuanced than you might think.
It really is.
Okay.
Yeah.
Sigourney Weaver says, they basically drove a dump truck full of money to my house.
There it is.
And it's a full, it's a full, full quote.
Her words.
Yeah.
She got paid 11 million for this film, which is more than the entire budget of Alien 1.
Oh my God.
Yes.
Yeah.
Fair.
All right.
I'd entertain this bullshit for 11 million.
Mate, 11 million.
I would appear in a porn parody of my best franchise.
I don't get 11 million.
11 million.
I'd appear in a snuff film where I'm the snuff.
You know what I mean?
You just live really well.
You're like, when's it being filmed?
Four weeks.
Great.
I live like a king for four weeks.
Brilliant.
Where's the nearest casino and cocaine dealer?
Let's go.
You know what I mean?
That's it.
That's me done.
A hundred percent.
So she was purely, I think for her, and this is, this is a job.
Do you know what I mean?
And I think some people go, Keanu Reeves is a good example of this.
Weirdly.
He often does tiny art house movies with no budget.
He does.
Or tiny indie movies.
Yeah.
He says, I can afford to do them because I've been successful enough and I've done piece
of shit blockbusters.
That means if I don't need to work this year and if this film comes out and makes nothing
at the box office, it doesn't matter.
He can do it for his own enjoyment.
Do it for my own gratification.
That is not a reality for anyone but the cream of the cream of the crop.
And I think Sigourney went, it's 11 million.
It's good business.
Yeah.
I'm not like attacking her in any way, shape or form.
I'm fucking glad that she's still about for this.
It just blew my mind that she was still about for this.
It was a double edged sword.
I was like, Oh, I'm glad she's here.
Oh, but why?
I agree with you on this film.
I watched it and I was furious.
I was furious and bored.
It's a weird combination.
Yeah.
But there's also some things in this movie that just are gratifying.
They're just gratifying to watch.
The aliens murdering each other in the pod.
Like this is a great set piece film.
And where I think the difference is, is that Alien 3 is a brilliant idea murdered in its
execution.
Yeah.
1000%.
I love the subtext and I love the intent and I love the kind of spiritual core of Alien
3.
Okay.
It needed another year and a year and a half in the oven and another 50 minutes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
And it didn't have that.
So what we're left with is like, still my favorite Alien film of the franchise, but
I can see all of its many flaws.
You can baffle into me, but okay.
I think this is a terrible idea executed really well.
Yeah, no, dude.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Like it's the inverse.
Tonally.
Yeah.
It's insane.
Tonally.
This film is odd.
Yes.
It's lighthearted, but it's fucked up at the same time.
Right.
It's like if a rom-com was also a horror.
The switch up.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
But the other way, that was more on the fence of rom-com.
This would be like more on the fence of horror, right?
If you don't know what we're talking about, new listeners, we did an episode about a year
ago that you should really check out, but pack a sick bucket.
Yeah.
It's fucking rank.
Yeah.
The cinematography of this film is odd, but it's also like hauntingly beautiful.
Like some of the shots in the film are genuinely like awe inspiring, right?
Well, I know for a fact that everyone involved in the making of this film thought the budget
was going to be a lot higher than it was.
So they made a lot of plans.
They made a lot of drawings of sets and then the studio came back and went, and here is
12 pounds 50 and a smile.
And they went, so we're going to shoot it all in corridors then.
And every actor's shot in close up because we do not want to see the set behind them.
But this is it though.
It makes it feel like a comic book.
Like the framing of the film is very comic book.
The dialogue is very comic book.
Everything is very black and white and matter of fact, and it's straight to the point.
The fucking pacing of this film is all over the shop.
It makes no sense that it exists the way that it does.
Because it goes from being sort of like tension building to just fucking stupid to then immediate
horror.
And like the amount of times I've watched this, I watched this four times running up
to this because it just, it wasn't making sense in my brain.
It still doesn't.
I'm just, I just learned to enjoy it.
Right.
Yeah.
And every single time where I was like, oh, this is getting a bit boring now.
What the fuck is happening?
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
It keeps me engaged.
It keeps me switched on.
Like this film doesn't hit me on a deep level at all.
I guess it means, it means nothing.
It is.
There's nothing here.
There's no, there's no subtext.
It's very, very brief morality of cloning thing going on and maybe like a touch of motherhood
stuff.
And there's a bit of thing with like independent freedom and what happens when you're even
your right to die is taken away from you.
Like, yeah, but I feel like the stuff that it touches on has already been touched on
in a better way in previous films.
It's like now it's just sort of like a member berries type thing.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's weird.
There's not much going on under the surface, but to be honest, once you accept that and
you just look at what's on the surface and realize how batshit insane everything is,
you're like, that's pretty fun.
Right.
And I think as a smashing action toys together, this is far better than alien three in terms
of visceral fun.
Right?
The underwater scene.
I knew you'd love the underwater scene because it's got warrior aliens and they're doing
their good swimming.
And that's the thing that matters to you.
This is it.
We see the frosty swimming badges now.
You know what I mean?
The five, the 10, the 20 meters, they're all there.
Finally come full circle.
It's there.
Oh God.
There we go.
The director's got a very clear boot fetish.
Yeah.
Every, every single shot of this film starts with the characters boots stepping on something.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
And there's, there's needless sexiness.
You can tell he's a Frenchman.
There's the foot massage scene.
There is.
It's odd.
It's very odd.
And the, the removal of the, the, his, his one creative decision, which was let's give
the newborn alien hermaphroditic genitals.
Yes, buddy.
Dude, this is the bit that I full erection with a vagina.
This is the bit that I learned about.
Right?
So I was chatting to the guys over at, um, control or critique last night and I was like,
we're doing alien four.
It's super fun.
I just got done watching it.
What did you think of it?
Yeah.
And the one fact that stuck with me is Amber turned around and was like, did you know that
the newborn used to have a vagina, but they had to remove it because it was too sexy.
And I was like, too sexy.
Not too sexy.
It's just too sexy.
It's just, I don't think that Fox wanted to distribute images of minus genitals.
They're not Hugh Edwards.
Yeah.
To be fair, there was a whole bunch of stuff.
So they read that Fox really wanted to cut the scene where Ripley get falls down the
grate and is on the tentacles and gets all sexy with the alien.
Yeah.
Okay.
Which is pretty sexy scene.
I mean, yeah.
Ish.
As far, listen, as far as tentacled wall scenes go, top five sexist.
Yeah.
It's better than anything in Annihilation and that's got Natalie Portman in it.
So, right.
Yeah.
It's a fun film.
It's a confused film.
I don't hate it at all.
It's still more aliens and this is why I'm, I'm excited for Romulus.
Alien franchise after this went in a weird, weird direction because they were, they were,
this didn't really do what they wanted it to do critically or commercially.
Shocker.
Right.
Look at it.
Come on.
And I feel like, I feel like I was chatting with a listener and I was like, alien three
is a knife in the gut to the franchise, but alien resurrection really is the two barrels
in the back of the head.
It's like alien three is, is the mortal wound and you could have got a T you could have
got the right team in, given it the right treatment, stitched it back up, got it fighting
fit again.
And we just look back at alien three as the problem child.
It was the stab in the gut of alien three being followed by the car crash.
I guess so.
That is alien resurrection.
The sort of tonal weirdness.
See I'd put it, I'll agree with you to a certain point, but I think it goes one step further
and alien three fucking dead and buried this franchise.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Fucking ruined it.
And then rather than, it could have been great film, but rather than just go, look, it's
dead.
We need to move past it.
And what they did is they were like, you know what?
Fuck it.
Let's just slap some strings on the corpse and fucking dance it around like a little
meat puppet for a bit.
And that's what they did.
And they did like a cute little, you know, Marionette show.
It's fantastic.
Yeah.
But it's, it's one of them.
It's again, you have to reach for it.
Like as a film, it's terrible.
Like to critically look at this film and go, so yeah, it's pretty fun.
Wrong.
No, I mean, objectively wrong.
It's shit.
It's a bad film, but I don't begrudge anyone enjoying it.
Like I don't enjoy it.
I enjoy it.
I do enjoy it though.
I really do enjoy it.
I think if you look at it as an actual film and what a film should bring to a table, it's
terrible.
Yeah.
If you're looking at it as a bit of fun in a franchise that you love that was already
dead and buried.
Yeah.
And then they were just like, fuck it.
Let's just reanimate it for a little bit.
Yeah.
And then, yeah, it's fine.
It's like slapping on.
It's like the real Ghostbusters after Ghostbusters.
Right.
It's not the real thing.
It's not quite there, but it's, it's, it's, it's ironically the real Ghostbusters are
not the real Ghostbusters.
Yeah, they're not.
It's infuriating.
It's fine though.
It's fine.
Hey, so never guess who I managed to convince to help us with the show again.
Who?
You know who.
Our favourite voice.
Oh, the fucking...
The best voice on the show.
Chocolate velvet voice.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Of Alien the Eighth Passenger who runs an incredible Instagram account.
We love this guy.
Of just such Alien the Eighth Passenger.
I mean, it's not, not rocket science.
It's not hard.
Stop being lazy.
You know what I mean?
You're already on Instagram.
Their alien content is, is the best on Instagram.
And we reached out to them.
We said, look, you know, we're doing every Alien movie ever.
We'd love your input.
And so they sent us this.
Wacko.
I wasn't asking you, Carducci.
I was asking the extra.
Hi, dear friends of every movie ever.
It's a fact that Alien Resurrection is probably the most hated installment by fans.
But you know what?
I really love it.
That's why today I'll share three contributions that make this film great.
Practical effects.
After the bad taste Alien 3 left with its pure handling of visual effects, Alien Resurrection
delivers at the light of practicals at the highest level.
Swimming aliens.
In this movie, we see the xenomorphs in an environment we've never seen before and their
movements look stunning.
Clone scene.
We happily discover her predecessors, which for me it's undeniably the most disturbing
moment of the entire saga.
Finally, I'd like to add that the key to enjoying this movie is not to take it too seriously.
The same cynical and sarcastic tone allows it to make it fun of itself.
We must accept that at least they took risks.
Alien Resurrection didn't try to copy the others.
And for me, that's what makes it so unique.
Right.
Straight off the bat.
Right.
The voice is unreal.
It's too sexy.
He needs to calm the fuck down.
All right.
Never come to England.
It's hard enough being single.
Band.
It is hard enough being single in England.
There is nothing within me that could compete with just that voice alone, let alone the
fact that you're a fucking wonderful person.
Let alone all that.
Band.
Never allowed.
And secondly, for a man who hasn't heard our episode yet because he's helping us with
it before it's released.
Yes.
And he listens alongside every one of you listening.
I find it uncanny how much we agree that this doesn't take itself too seriously.
You're allowed to have fun with it.
It doesn't copy the movies.
It's quite sarcastic.
The effects are on point.
Swimming fucking Xenomorphs, which is, you know, obviously we all know that I'm a swimming
warrior Xenomorph from the previous episodes.
Close to your heart.
Very, very close to my heart.
We share a frosty swimming badge.
I agree wholeheartedly what you're saying.
It's very fun.
It's very stupid, but it's also incredible effects.
It's super fucking fun and tongue in cheek.
It's probably the most fun I've had in aliens in the last two weeks.
Alien 3 shit all over it.
How dare you?
I mean, this one was just sort of like, ah, fuck it.
How dare you?
Do you want to play a game?
I'd love to.
This film, believe it or not, has got a host of cameos.
Okay.
I thought you were going to say a hundred then.
I was like, this is a long game.
We're nearly out of time.
I'm not guessing a hundred people.
There's no, there's no any of that many.
It's like 50.
So cool.
Did you spot top dollar, top dollar, the villain from 1994 is the crow.
Um, no.
Michael Wincott, right?
Yeah.
Who plays, uh, Elgin, the captain of the Betty in this.
Oh, okay.
Is the main villain in the crow.
Holy fuck.
Do you not recognize those velvety tones?
He's got an incredible voice.
Do you know what I think it is?
I think everyone that's in this film, I'm like, these aren't real people.
These aren't people.
These aren't people I know and love.
This is fine.
Okay.
I'm panicking slightly because the easy one was quite hard.
Okay.
Did you recognize Grima Wormtongue, the guy who sits on Theoden's shoulder in Lord of
the Rings and whispers poison in his ear?
Fucking hell, Rob.
That's a long one, isn't it?
Jesus.
He's like a major dude in Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, but there's like 132 films.
He's the one that won't let them in.
He's the one who won't let him into the horseman's house.
Right.
Cause he's like, fuck off, Gandalf.
Right.
Okay.
Oh wait, is this the guy in the cloak who's like, you're not in my pub?
No.
At the beginning?
No.
This is in the second film.
Oh, fucking no one remembers the two towers, Rob.
Come on.
Okay.
Uh, no.
No, I don't.
I didn't.
Ooh.
Okay.
Right now we're getting into the hard ones.
Right.
Did you recognize crystal meth sniffing, Breaking Bad villain, Tuco Salamanca?
Yes, of course I did.
Oh, you got him.
All right.
Yeah, of course I did.
Come on.
Okay.
Yeah.
He's, um, Nameless Marine, whose name I don't remember.
Nameless Marine.
He's, he's Marine person number four.
Yeah.
I do feel for all these people in this film, be like, this is going to be the peak of my
career.
Um, but someone for whom it wasn't the peak of his career, even though he's, he's a relatively
large part in this film, way larger than he is in the film that would be the peak of his
career.
Okay.
Did you recognize that fella, you know, in seven, they go through all the deadly sins
and there's the sin of lust and our mate, Martin.
Right?
Yeah.
He works at Wild Bill's leather shop.
Yep.
He makes a bladed dildo that he thinks is just some kink thing.
Yeah.
And he gets used on a sex worker and they interview the guy who was forced to use it.
Yes.
Remember him?
Kind of.
It's been a while since I've seen seven.
I think the last time I saw seven was when we interviewed Martin.
We should do Finch's films, man.
Let's, let's have a think.
We'll have a think.
All right.
Yeah.
I mean, technically we've started his films.
Alien three.
Yeah.
There you go.
All right.
Well, there you go.
There we go.
Join us for episode two with the Finch series coming soon.
Great callback.
He's, uh, he's Mr. Kidnapped.
He's got the alien inside him who does the ridiculous chest burst kill.
Oh shit.
Yes.
No, I do know who you mean.
His job is basically appearing on screen and crying hysterically in every film I've seen
him in.
I've never seen that man smile.
Yeah.
They just keep him near the edge.
You know what I mean?
They're just sort of like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, you're doing great.
You're doing great.
But, but.
Right.
They just give him a heroic dose of mushrooms and kick him into the clown room 40 minutes
before filming.
Right.
We're going to be shooting in a haunted house.
Uh, does everyone have their mushrooms?
Excellent.
Eat them now.
Eat them quick.
Eat them now.
Eat them quick.
All right.
Brilliant.
Well, there you go.
You did weirdly.
You got all the ones I thought were mad obscure.
I recognize two of them.
Yeah.
I know two.
Lord of the Rings.
Come on, buddy.
No one watches two towers.
I mean, I don't know.
You collect your little special cards, don't you?
Your little autistic hobbies.
Is that Magic the Gathering?
Oh, there we go.
Did you just call me an autistic hobbit?
I'm six foot two, you cock.
I said your little autistic hobby.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's fair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.
Yeah.
Uh, before we get to the rating, I've got a comment corner that we've already sort of
partially addressed.
Oh, I think I know which one this is.
Uh, yeah.
No, no, no.
It's the one where J.J.
Soul the barber commented smiley face.
Oh, no.
Nuke.tan.
Yeah.
We posted a little highlight of the podcast and they said they said they couldn't finish
the episode because of the tedious.
Fair.
Endless.
It's only an hour.
Trash talking.
Yeah.
Is it the best alien movie?
No.
The way these guys talked about it just felt like fandom rage bait.
It wasn't so much fandom rage bait.
It's just fan rage because I genuinely enjoyed the first two.
Right.
But I get it.
I can, I can understand why.
I don't know.
I feel like I see it.
I felt like we were balanced.
And what I would like is listeners to let us know where you feel we judge our anger.
If we don't enjoy a film, should we just not cover it?
Like do we only cover films we enjoy?
But I want to hear what the listeners think.
Was that a balanced episode for you?
And Nuke.tan, I hope this episode has angered you equally because it's been just as honest.
It has.
Also though, I did check out his stuff.
It's fucking mint.
Is it?
So yeah, go check out his stuff because it's actually mint.
I know.
Not only is he giving helpful, you know, feedback.
Fair play.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Also fucking great shit though, bud.
Honestly.
I got one from TikTok here from John who commented on our Alien 3 reel.
I think it's the one with you in the cathedral.
Yeah.
Someone did comment and we've already covered the fact that I couldn't go to Wood Planet.
I'm sorry.
I let the show down.
I went to Gloucester Cathedral.
It wasn't filmed there.
I know that, but I just, I couldn't afford the tickets to Wood Planet.
And I'm trying to get over my own shame.
It's questionable.
You know what I mean?
Like your dedication to the podcast is becoming more and more questionable as time passes.
But it's just bad journalism, mate.
It's just arguably the worst a journalist has been all year.
I know.
You know what I mean?
All of your fucking hard drives with all the wood planet pictures on them.
It's about time someone called you out on it.
To be fair, my hard drive is full of pictures of Wood Planet.
It's just Wood Planet.
So John on TikTok says, did you know that in Alien 3, the entire story was meant to
be a dream of Ripley, which we would have found out at the end.
And to that I say it would have been a better fucking film.
No, no, no, no, no.
There is no way to annoy me more than it was all a dream.
No, no, no.
That's not how it goes.
Is there any films that actually happens?
Has that ever been done in a film?
Nightmare on Elm Street?
I suppose technically it is all a dream.
I guess.
But hear me out.
Alien 3 plays out exactly as it is.
And then just out of the blue, Ripley wakes up, looks dead into the camera and goes, ah,
it really was an Alien 3 all along.
See?
It fucking works.
It makes it better.
Okay.
No, I like that.
What are you rating Alien Resurrection, Ben?
Five.
It's fun.
Ooh, five.
It's fun.
I could watch it again because it's just goofy, mindless nonsense that's kind of set in a
familiar place.
It's fine, I guess.
It's fine.
Yeah.
It's difficult.
There's not really much else going in on it.
It's difficult because do I rate it as a film or do I rate it as an Alien film?
Rate it for what you got out of it.
Oh, zero.
You got nothing from this.
You didn't have any fun at all.
One.
I had some fun.
I like seeing Alien.
I had one fun.
I think my thing is, is it's like, if I receive a gift from a stranger in the street, it can
be a fucking Malteser or a Reese's cup.
I'm like, oh wow, that's really thoughtful.
If I take food from strangers, it's what I'd say to that.
If a family member gives me a gift, they're in a different category.
The person I love most in the world, they've known me all year and they're like, there
you go.
I'm like, a single Malteser.
I'm like, that's not...
I know what I'm getting you for your birthday.
I'm going to ship it in a massive box just for it to be hilarious.
I'm just going to say it'll be underwhelming.
It'll be underwhelmed and I'll be like, from someone who knows me better than anyone, that's
a bit underwhelming.
The Alien franchise is family to me.
I've grown up with it.
Sci-fi, my understanding of what sci-fi is started with this franchise.
Okay.
So it's really difficult for me to be objective and go, oh, it's a five.
Because I'm like, if it was just a film, yeah, it's a five.
If it was a fucking David Toohey film, like Pitch Black or Chronicles of Riddick, I'd
be like, yeah, eight.
It's a piece of shit fun B movie.
This is Alien 4, man.
Yeah.
You're saying that like it's supposed to be a not piece of shit Alien B movie.
That's exactly what it is.
That's all it was ever going to be.
It was never going to get better.
Look at Alien 3 that had Fincher and had genuine good undertones.
It had a great skeleton.
It was just fucking someone had stapled loose ham to it and expected it to be like an athlete.
Do you know what I mean?
It was ridiculous.
Fair, fair, fair, fair.
Yeah.
So what are you saying?
You're saying a one.
It's a one for me.
Out of pure disappointment because I feel like we could have saved the franchise.
And I'm not saying that Romulus is going to save the franchise, but I'm saying it has
the potential to.
Yeah, but so did this.
And therefore it has the responsibility.
But if you've got the potential, you've got the responsibility.
And so Fedai Alvarez, it's on him.
If Alien Romulus doesn't save the franchise.
Who are you?
Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting.
What's going on?
You're letting all this out now?
What's going on?
It's always been my ethos.
Those that can should.
Fucking hell.
That's I mean, I can juggle.
Should I?
Yeah, because you've got hands to juggle.
There's some armless fucker over there just dreaming of juggling.
And what you can do is walk in the room and juggle in front of him and it'll make him
feel miles better.
Or it will be taunting in their face going, haha, look what I can do and you can't.
You're an evil person, Rob.
Just figure it out, Ben.
Just give it a try.
It's my responsibility.
It's your responsibility.
You've got hands.
Unfortunately, guys, this is where we're going to have to leave this week's episode.
Thank you so fucking much for hanging out with us.
It's been an absolute pleasure.
Hopefully you go and watch this film and you get something from it.
Also, if you do watch this film and don't get something from it, let us know on our
Discord in the most hilarious fashion because I want someone good to read out next episode.
I want someone to watch this film and go, guys, you owe me two hours of my life back
immediately.
I want it to be full of C bombs.
I want them all.
I want it in like full technical rage.
You know what I mean?
Feed me.
Feed me something.
You know what I mean?
We've also got a YouTube video out.
We have got exclusive content that Ben and I recorded especially for you.
And our good friend, Anthony, the editor has poured all of his love and all of his skill
and all of his talent into.
And trust me, all three of those are large.
Huge.
We would love nothing more than for you to go to our YouTube and give it a watch because
we put loads of effort into it and it's fucking great.
And it validates our existence.
We need it.
You don't have to.
I don't need it now.
We've made it.
We've put work into it.
All right.
We had the we had the ability.
So we had the responsibility.
You've got the ability to watch it.
So now you've got the responsibility.
Oh, I see why you brought all this up.
I see that.
This is fucking genius.
Yeah, it's on you.
It's on you.
You can go juggle that YouTube video in your eye sockets.
Ben is now going to thank you for spending an hour of your week with us, especially at
the start of the week as it is for a lot of you by wrapping up the thoughts, subtext and
deep philosophical meaning of the film into a little Monday Motivation Pet Talk.
While I just cosplay society and do what society always does, tell you to consume.
It's pretty fucking hard to pull something out of this film as like as like a lesson,
I guess.
I think the main lesson is if your kids are pissing you off and you're not quite like
and just not feeling it, spit your acid blood at a window in space and fucking murder them
is I think the takeaway from this film.
I think that's it.
Or or it's if you're going to put genitals on a newborn baby alien, pixelate them.
Otherwise they're going to get removed.
I don't know.