WEBVTT 00:00:01.759 --> 00:00:04.379 Ultimize. If you want people to think you're 00:00:04.379 --> 00:00:08.160 a great conversationalist, a shortcut. Become 00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:10.539 a better listener than almost everyone else. 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:13.480 That's it. Because most people are not actually 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:16.800 listening. They're waiting. Waiting for my turn. 00:00:17.420 --> 00:00:20.660 I want to talk. Waiting for a gap. Waiting for 00:00:20.660 --> 00:00:23.519 something they can respond to. Let me show you 00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:26.140 what that looks like. You're talking to someone. 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:28.660 You're explaining something that happened to 00:00:28.660 --> 00:00:30.699 you. And as you're speaking, you can see it. 00:00:30.780 --> 00:00:33.140 They nod. They say, yeah, yeah, but something 00:00:33.140 --> 00:00:36.240 feels off. They jump in just a little too quickly. 00:00:36.899 --> 00:00:40.240 They take your story and turn it into their story. 00:00:40.539 --> 00:00:43.780 You say, I had a crazy experience at the airport 00:00:43.780 --> 00:00:45.700 this weekend. And before you even finish, they 00:00:45.700 --> 00:00:48.259 say, oh my God, airports are the worst. I had 00:00:48.259 --> 00:00:51.280 the same thing happen to me last month. Now the 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:54.439 conversation has shifted, but not really in a 00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:58.250 good way. You don't feel heard. You feel interrupted, 00:00:58.670 --> 00:01:01.429 even if they didn't mean to interrupt you. Now, 00:01:01.869 --> 00:01:04.430 here's what's interesting. That person probably 00:01:04.430 --> 00:01:07.230 thinks they're being engaging. They're thinking, 00:01:07.290 --> 00:01:10.709 hey, I'm relating. They're thinking they've added 00:01:10.709 --> 00:01:12.950 to the conversation. But what they're really 00:01:12.950 --> 00:01:16.189 doing is signaling, I'm more interested in what 00:01:16.189 --> 00:01:19.609 I have to say than what you're saying. And people 00:01:19.609 --> 00:01:23.549 feel that immediately. Now, let's look at a different 00:01:23.549 --> 00:01:26.140 version of the same moment. You say, I had a 00:01:26.140 --> 00:01:28.379 crazy experience at the airport this weekend. 00:01:28.840 --> 00:01:31.099 And the other person does something very simple. 00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:34.799 They maintain eye contact. They nod slightly. 00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:39.599 They let you finish. And then they say, what 00:01:39.599 --> 00:01:44.439 happened? That's it. Two words. No story. No 00:01:44.439 --> 00:01:47.840 interruption. Just what happened? Now you feel 00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:51.620 heard. Now you want to keep talking. Now you're 00:01:51.620 --> 00:01:54.700 more engaged. And here's the important part. 00:01:55.379 --> 00:01:57.760 You start to like that person more, not because 00:01:57.760 --> 00:02:00.500 they impressed you, not because they entertained 00:02:00.500 --> 00:02:03.519 you, not because they were witty, because they 00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:05.920 made you feel something. They made you feel like 00:02:05.920 --> 00:02:09.479 what you were saying mattered. That is the core 00:02:09.479 --> 00:02:12.819 of great conversation. Now, let's make this even 00:02:12.819 --> 00:02:15.800 more specific. You're talking to someone at a 00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:18.360 social event. They're telling you about something 00:02:18.360 --> 00:02:20.340 they enjoy. Maybe it's pickleball, maybe it's 00:02:20.340 --> 00:02:23.479 hiking, maybe it's cooking. A weak listener hears 00:02:23.479 --> 00:02:26.659 that and thinks, okay, when do I get to talk 00:02:26.659 --> 00:02:30.319 about my thing? A strong listener does something 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:33.479 different. They pick one detail and they stay 00:02:33.479 --> 00:02:36.120 with it. You said you've been playing pickleball 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:39.259 a lot, what got you into that? Now the person 00:02:39.259 --> 00:02:42.000 lights up because you didn't just hear the topic, 00:02:42.479 --> 00:02:45.360 you engaged with it. Now compare this to what 00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:49.090 most people do. They hear pickleball. and immediately 00:02:49.090 --> 00:02:50.930 say, oh, yeah, I've been meaning to try that, 00:02:50.930 --> 00:02:53.289 or I do it all the time now. I'm a 4 -0 player. 00:02:53.610 --> 00:02:57.969 And now the focus shifts back to them. It's subtle, 00:02:57.969 --> 00:03:01.530 but it completely changes the energy. Here's 00:03:01.530 --> 00:03:04.370 another real -world moment. You're talking to 00:03:04.370 --> 00:03:06.689 someone, and while they're speaking, you look 00:03:06.689 --> 00:03:10.990 past them. You scan the room. You check your 00:03:10.990 --> 00:03:14.050 phone for a second. Yeah, you think it's harmless, 00:03:14.229 --> 00:03:17.599 but to them, it feels like This conversation 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:20.680 is not that important. Even if you didn't mean 00:03:20.680 --> 00:03:23.139 it, even if you were just distracted for a second, 00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:27.460 attention is felt, not explained. So if you want 00:03:27.460 --> 00:03:30.520 to instantly improve your conversations, start 00:03:30.520 --> 00:03:34.280 with this. Listen like it actually matters. That 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:38.000 means eye contact, not staring, but present. 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:42.319 No phone, no scanning the room, no interrupting. 00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:45.680 Don't jumping into your own story too quickly. 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:49.580 And then one more thing, after they finish speaking, 00:03:50.580 --> 00:03:54.419 ask something about what they just said. Not 00:03:54.419 --> 00:03:57.879 a new topic, not something about you, something 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:01.300 about them. You mentioned that the project was 00:04:01.300 --> 00:04:04.659 chaotic. What made it so difficult? I'm curious, 00:04:05.039 --> 00:04:08.439 what do you like most about that? When did that 00:04:08.439 --> 00:04:11.520 start for you? Simple questions. These are simple, 00:04:11.560 --> 00:04:14.520 but they're powerful because they show you are 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:17.120 paying attention. That alone makes you stand 00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:20.620 out, because most people don't do it. Now, here's 00:04:20.620 --> 00:04:23.399 the part that surprises people. When you do this 00:04:23.399 --> 00:04:26.839 consistently, people walk away from the conversation 00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:29.459 thinking, that person was really interesting, 00:04:29.939 --> 00:04:32.819 even if you didn't say that much. Because what 00:04:32.819 --> 00:04:35.000 they're actually remembering is not your words. 00:04:35.639 --> 00:04:38.019 They're remembering how they felt talking to 00:04:38.019 --> 00:04:41.519 you, and they felt heard. They felt engaged. 00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:45.100 They felt understood. They give you the credit. 00:04:45.139 --> 00:04:47.600 That's the leverage. You don't need to dominate 00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:50.720 conversations. You need to make people feel like 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:52.600 they matter inside to them.