Ultimize. If you want people to think you're
a great conversationalist, a shortcut. Become
a better listener than almost everyone else.
That's it. Because most people are not actually
listening. They're waiting. Waiting for my turn.
I want to talk. Waiting for a gap. Waiting for
something they can respond to. Let me show you
what that looks like. You're talking to someone.
You're explaining something that happened to
you. And as you're speaking, you can see it.
They nod. They say, yeah, yeah, but something
feels off. They jump in just a little too quickly.
They take your story and turn it into their story.
You say, I had a crazy experience at the airport
this weekend. And before you even finish, they
say, oh my God, airports are the worst. I had
the same thing happen to me last month. Now the
conversation has shifted, but not really in a
good way. You don't feel heard. You feel interrupted,
even if they didn't mean to interrupt you. Now,
here's what's interesting. That person probably
thinks they're being engaging. They're thinking,
hey, I'm relating. They're thinking they've added
to the conversation. But what they're really
doing is signaling, I'm more interested in what
I have to say than what you're saying. And people
feel that immediately. Now, let's look at a different
version of the same moment. You say, I had a
crazy experience at the airport this weekend.
And the other person does something very simple.
They maintain eye contact. They nod slightly.
They let you finish. And then they say, what
happened? That's it. Two words. No story. No
interruption. Just what happened? Now you feel
heard. Now you want to keep talking. Now you're
more engaged. And here's the important part.
You start to like that person more, not because
they impressed you, not because they entertained
you, not because they were witty, because they
made you feel something. They made you feel like
what you were saying mattered. That is the core
of great conversation. Now, let's make this even
more specific. You're talking to someone at a
social event. They're telling you about something
they enjoy. Maybe it's pickleball, maybe it's
hiking, maybe it's cooking. A weak listener hears
that and thinks, okay, when do I get to talk
about my thing? A strong listener does something
different. They pick one detail and they stay
with it. You said you've been playing pickleball
a lot, what got you into that? Now the person
lights up because you didn't just hear the topic,
you engaged with it. Now compare this to what
most people do. They hear pickleball. and immediately
say, oh, yeah, I've been meaning to try that,
or I do it all the time now. I'm a 4 -0 player.
And now the focus shifts back to them. It's subtle,
but it completely changes the energy. Here's
another real -world moment. You're talking to
someone, and while they're speaking, you look
past them. You scan the room. You check your
phone for a second. Yeah, you think it's harmless,
but to them, it feels like This conversation
is not that important. Even if you didn't mean
it, even if you were just distracted for a second,
attention is felt, not explained. So if you want
to instantly improve your conversations, start
with this. Listen like it actually matters. That
means eye contact, not staring, but present.
No phone, no scanning the room, no interrupting.
Don't jumping into your own story too quickly.
And then one more thing, after they finish speaking,
ask something about what they just said. Not
a new topic, not something about you, something
about them. You mentioned that the project was
chaotic. What made it so difficult? I'm curious,
what do you like most about that? When did that
start for you? Simple questions. These are simple,
but they're powerful because they show you are
paying attention. That alone makes you stand
out, because most people don't do it. Now, here's
the part that surprises people. When you do this
consistently, people walk away from the conversation
thinking, that person was really interesting,
even if you didn't say that much. Because what
they're actually remembering is not your words.
They're remembering how they felt talking to
you, and they felt heard. They felt engaged.
They felt understood. They give you the credit.
That's the leverage. You don't need to dominate
conversations. You need to make people feel like
they matter inside to them.