Welcome to the Senior Safety Advice Podcast.
This podcast is all about helping older adults
and family caregivers live with more safety,
confidence, and peace of mind at home. I'm Robin
Schiltz, and for more helpful support and resources,
please visit us at seniorsafetyadvice .com. So
today I want to talk about something very human.
Anger. Frustration. That feeling of being upset.
tense, or just plain fed up. Most people do not
like to admit when they feel angry, especially
older adults and caregivers. Many people were
taught to keep those feelings inside, to stay
pleasant, to push through, to not make a fuss.
But anger doesn't go away just because we ignore
it. It often shows up somewhere else. It can
come out as sharp words or a short temper. or
trouble sleeping, or a headache, a tight jaw,
a heavy feeling in your chest, or that sense
that even small things suddenly feel way too
big. I've seen this many times in older adults
and in family caregivers, too. Sometimes the
anger is not really about the small thing that's
happening in the moment. It's about the loss
underneath it. The loss of ease, the loss of
strength, the loss of time, and the loss of the
way life used to be. That matters, because when
we understand that anger is often a signal, not
just a problem, we can respond to it with a little
more wisdom and a little less shame. One myth
about anger is that it means you're mean or ungrateful,
and that is simply not true. Anger often means
something feels unfair or hard or painful or
out of your control. Another misunderstanding
is that good caregivers do not get frustrated.
Well, that is not true either. Caregivers get
tired. Older adults get tired. People who are
doing their best still get overwhelmed. Feeling
frustrated does not mean that you're failing.
It means that you are human. Now, that does not
mean all anger is harmless. Obviously, words
can hurt. Stress can wear down your body. Tension
can affect your blood pressure, your sleep, appetite,
your relationship. So, it is very helpful to
notice anger early on before it builds into something
bigger. The first step is simple. Just name it.
You might say to yourself, I am feeling really
frustrated right now. Or, I am angry because
this is so hard. That sounds small, but it can
help more than people realize. When you name
what you feel, you begin to separate yourself
from it. You're no longer drowning in the emotion.
You're simply observing it. That little bit of
space can make a big difference. Then pause before
reacting. Now, not forever, just for a moment.
Take in one slow breath and let it out slowly,
then do it again. In working with older adults,
I've noticed that the body starts reacting before
the mind catches up. The person's shoulders rise,
their hands grip, their voice might get a little
more short. A short pause can interrupt that
chain reaction. And sometimes that pause is enough
to stop a hard moment from becoming a hurtful
one. It also helps to ask a question. What is
making this feel so big right now? Maybe you're
tired or you're in pain or you feel ignored or
you're embarrassed because you need help. or
maybe you've been carrying something for too
long. The question gets you closer to the real
issue, and once you know the real issue, you
can respond more clearly. For example, if pain
is making everything harder, well then the answer
is not to calm down. The answer might be to sit
or rest or stretch or use heat or call your doctor
or change how you're doing the task. If exhaustion's
the problem, you may need a break more than you
need a pep talk. The frustration is coming from
doing things that have become physically hard
in this example, and then that means it may just
be time to adjust the task. But that doesn't
mean give it up, that just means adjust. This
is something that occupational therapists like
Esther think about all the time. They look at
the fit between the person, the task, and the
environment. If getting dressed or bathing or
cooking or moving around the house has become
harder, frustration often follows. Not because
the person is being difficult, but because the
task no longer fits as well as it used to. Sometimes
the kindest thing you can do is to make the task
easier. So help the person use a shower chair
or you yourself sit while you're preparing your
food. Keep daily items within easy reach. Allow
more time. Take one part of a task at a time.
Those changes don't take away independence. They're
often, very often, protecting it. There's also
a quiet kind of anger that comes from being talked
down to, and older adults feel this deeply. No
one wants to feel managed like a child. So if
you're a caregiver, your tone matters, even when
you're tired or you're repeating yourself for
the hundredth time. Respect can lower frustration
levels faster than almost anything else. And
if you are the older adult listening today, well,
keep in mind that your feelings do matter, too.
You are allowed to say, please slow down or please
let me try it myself or I need a minute, please.
That is not being difficult. That is just speaking
up for your dignity. Another helpful tool is
movement. Anger creates energy in the body and
it wants to go somewhere. Now, you don't need
to do intense exercises to get rid of this energy.
Usually folding some towels or stepping outside
for fresh air or doing a few stretches or taking
a short walk. That can be enough to release some
of that built up tension. Somebody who feels
stuck, irritated, and restless, I've seen them
after a little movement and a change of setting,
they get out of that mindset for a second and
it kind of lets their mood shift a little. Not
always completely, obviously, but sometimes enough
to think more clearly or slow down and not react
so strongly. Words can help, too. Some people
calm down by talking with someone they trust.
Others do better by writing things down. So you
might want to keep a small notebook and write
a sentence that says, I'm angry because blah
blah blah. Finish the sentence honestly. You
don't need perfect grammar. You don't need to
have deep insight. You just need somewhere to
put that feeling down. Sometimes a simple habit
like journaling can help keep frustration from
spilling out onto the wrong person. And here's
something else too. If anger is happening often
or it feels stronger than usual, pay attention.
Frequent anger can sometimes be a sign of depression,
anxiety, pain, poor sleep, medication side effects,
grief, caregiver burnout. In people with dementia,
frustration can also rise when they feel confused,
rushed, overstimulated, or unable to express
what they need. That doesn't mean something terrible
is wrong, but it does mean the anger deserves
a closer look. You don't have to solve that alone.
Sometimes the next right step is talking with
a doctor, a support group, a counselor. There's
strength in getting support before things get
worse. And for caregivers, I want to add this.
You are not supposed to absorb stress endlessly
without being affected by it. If you snap sometimes,
you are not a monster, but you do need care as
well. You need to take breaks. You need some
rest. You need to talk to someone that you can
talk to honestly. You need moments that are only
for you. I've seen caregivers who loves the person
so much that they carry their frustration around
until it scares them. But what helped was not
guilt, what helped was support and relief and
permission to be human. So if anger or frustration
has been with you lately, try to meet it with
curiosity instead of judgment. Notice it and
name it and pause and breathe, and then ask what's
really underneath it. Then make one small change
that supports your body, your mind, or your environment,
because that's often where calm begins. Not in
pretending everything is fine, but in caring
for yourself honestly. If this topic speaks to
where you are right now, please be gentle with
yourself. You do not have to fix everything at
once. Start with one small step like a breath
or a pause or a kind word to yourself. Little
restful moments can lead you back to steadiness
and safety and confidence. So thank you so much
for being here with me today. I hope this episode
gave you a little comfort and a few simple ideas
that you can use right away. For more tips and
resources, please visit SeniorSafetyAdvice .com.
And if you're looking for aging in place professionals
in your area, visit AgingInPlaceDirectory .com.
Please also subscribe to our podcast or to our
YouTube channel. And until next time, this is
Robin, wishing you safety, calm, and peace. Thanks
for listening today. Take care. Bye.