WEBVTT 00:00:01.319 --> 00:00:04.559 Welcome to the Senior Safety Advice Podcast. 00:00:05.099 --> 00:00:08.019 This podcast is all about helping older adults 00:00:08.019 --> 00:00:11.220 and family caregivers live with more safety, 00:00:11.560 --> 00:00:14.820 confidence, and peace of mind at home. I'm Robin 00:00:14.820 --> 00:00:18.379 Schiltz, and for more helpful support and resources, 00:00:18.719 --> 00:00:23.059 please visit us at seniorsafetyadvice .com. So 00:00:23.059 --> 00:00:25.820 today I want to talk about something very human. 00:00:26.719 --> 00:00:30.679 Anger. Frustration. That feeling of being upset. 00:00:30.829 --> 00:00:34.850 tense, or just plain fed up. Most people do not 00:00:34.850 --> 00:00:37.570 like to admit when they feel angry, especially 00:00:37.570 --> 00:00:41.009 older adults and caregivers. Many people were 00:00:41.009 --> 00:00:43.789 taught to keep those feelings inside, to stay 00:00:43.789 --> 00:00:46.729 pleasant, to push through, to not make a fuss. 00:00:47.530 --> 00:00:50.070 But anger doesn't go away just because we ignore 00:00:50.070 --> 00:00:53.429 it. It often shows up somewhere else. It can 00:00:53.429 --> 00:00:56.850 come out as sharp words or a short temper. or 00:00:56.850 --> 00:00:59.630 trouble sleeping, or a headache, a tight jaw, 00:00:59.929 --> 00:01:02.869 a heavy feeling in your chest, or that sense 00:01:02.869 --> 00:01:05.890 that even small things suddenly feel way too 00:01:05.890 --> 00:01:09.349 big. I've seen this many times in older adults 00:01:09.349 --> 00:01:12.890 and in family caregivers, too. Sometimes the 00:01:12.890 --> 00:01:15.290 anger is not really about the small thing that's 00:01:15.290 --> 00:01:17.769 happening in the moment. It's about the loss 00:01:17.769 --> 00:01:21.349 underneath it. The loss of ease, the loss of 00:01:21.349 --> 00:01:24.409 strength, the loss of time, and the loss of the 00:01:24.409 --> 00:01:28.060 way life used to be. That matters, because when 00:01:28.060 --> 00:01:31.120 we understand that anger is often a signal, not 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:33.980 just a problem, we can respond to it with a little 00:01:33.980 --> 00:01:38.239 more wisdom and a little less shame. One myth 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:41.379 about anger is that it means you're mean or ungrateful, 00:01:41.379 --> 00:01:45.060 and that is simply not true. Anger often means 00:01:45.060 --> 00:01:49.060 something feels unfair or hard or painful or 00:01:49.060 --> 00:01:52.980 out of your control. Another misunderstanding 00:01:52.980 --> 00:01:55.659 is that good caregivers do not get frustrated. 00:01:55.879 --> 00:01:59.620 Well, that is not true either. Caregivers get 00:01:59.620 --> 00:02:03.319 tired. Older adults get tired. People who are 00:02:03.319 --> 00:02:06.719 doing their best still get overwhelmed. Feeling 00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:08.979 frustrated does not mean that you're failing. 00:02:09.240 --> 00:02:13.000 It means that you are human. Now, that does not 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.919 mean all anger is harmless. Obviously, words 00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:19.699 can hurt. Stress can wear down your body. Tension 00:02:19.699 --> 00:02:22.759 can affect your blood pressure, your sleep, appetite, 00:02:23.020 --> 00:02:26.500 your relationship. So, it is very helpful to 00:02:26.500 --> 00:02:29.599 notice anger early on before it builds into something 00:02:29.599 --> 00:02:34.680 bigger. The first step is simple. Just name it. 00:02:34.939 --> 00:02:37.759 You might say to yourself, I am feeling really 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:41.520 frustrated right now. Or, I am angry because 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:45.439 this is so hard. That sounds small, but it can 00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:48.659 help more than people realize. When you name 00:02:48.659 --> 00:02:51.060 what you feel, you begin to separate yourself 00:02:51.060 --> 00:02:54.060 from it. You're no longer drowning in the emotion. 00:02:54.500 --> 00:02:58.199 You're simply observing it. That little bit of 00:02:58.199 --> 00:03:01.939 space can make a big difference. Then pause before 00:03:01.939 --> 00:03:05.580 reacting. Now, not forever, just for a moment. 00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:09.300 Take in one slow breath and let it out slowly, 00:03:09.479 --> 00:03:13.479 then do it again. In working with older adults, 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:16.120 I've noticed that the body starts reacting before 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:19.689 the mind catches up. The person's shoulders rise, 00:03:19.830 --> 00:03:22.590 their hands grip, their voice might get a little 00:03:22.590 --> 00:03:26.270 more short. A short pause can interrupt that 00:03:26.270 --> 00:03:29.750 chain reaction. And sometimes that pause is enough 00:03:29.750 --> 00:03:32.669 to stop a hard moment from becoming a hurtful 00:03:32.669 --> 00:03:37.270 one. It also helps to ask a question. What is 00:03:37.270 --> 00:03:40.750 making this feel so big right now? Maybe you're 00:03:40.750 --> 00:03:44.189 tired or you're in pain or you feel ignored or 00:03:44.189 --> 00:03:46.750 you're embarrassed because you need help. or 00:03:46.750 --> 00:03:49.430 maybe you've been carrying something for too 00:03:49.430 --> 00:03:52.889 long. The question gets you closer to the real 00:03:52.889 --> 00:03:55.569 issue, and once you know the real issue, you 00:03:55.569 --> 00:03:59.090 can respond more clearly. For example, if pain 00:03:59.090 --> 00:04:01.590 is making everything harder, well then the answer 00:04:01.590 --> 00:04:05.129 is not to calm down. The answer might be to sit 00:04:05.129 --> 00:04:09.310 or rest or stretch or use heat or call your doctor 00:04:09.310 --> 00:04:13.439 or change how you're doing the task. If exhaustion's 00:04:13.439 --> 00:04:15.539 the problem, you may need a break more than you 00:04:15.539 --> 00:04:18.980 need a pep talk. The frustration is coming from 00:04:18.980 --> 00:04:21.579 doing things that have become physically hard 00:04:21.579 --> 00:04:24.600 in this example, and then that means it may just 00:04:24.600 --> 00:04:28.060 be time to adjust the task. But that doesn't 00:04:28.060 --> 00:04:31.620 mean give it up, that just means adjust. This 00:04:31.620 --> 00:04:34.259 is something that occupational therapists like 00:04:34.259 --> 00:04:37.439 Esther think about all the time. They look at 00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:39.839 the fit between the person, the task, and the 00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:43.110 environment. If getting dressed or bathing or 00:04:43.110 --> 00:04:45.389 cooking or moving around the house has become 00:04:45.389 --> 00:04:48.970 harder, frustration often follows. Not because 00:04:48.970 --> 00:04:51.589 the person is being difficult, but because the 00:04:51.589 --> 00:04:55.730 task no longer fits as well as it used to. Sometimes 00:04:55.730 --> 00:04:58.370 the kindest thing you can do is to make the task 00:04:58.370 --> 00:05:01.790 easier. So help the person use a shower chair 00:05:01.790 --> 00:05:04.829 or you yourself sit while you're preparing your 00:05:04.829 --> 00:05:08.920 food. Keep daily items within easy reach. Allow 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:12.160 more time. Take one part of a task at a time. 00:05:12.839 --> 00:05:15.839 Those changes don't take away independence. They're 00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:19.600 often, very often, protecting it. There's also 00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:22.399 a quiet kind of anger that comes from being talked 00:05:22.399 --> 00:05:26.759 down to, and older adults feel this deeply. No 00:05:26.759 --> 00:05:30.480 one wants to feel managed like a child. So if 00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.540 you're a caregiver, your tone matters, even when 00:05:33.540 --> 00:05:35.819 you're tired or you're repeating yourself for 00:05:35.819 --> 00:05:39.379 the hundredth time. Respect can lower frustration 00:05:39.379 --> 00:05:43.000 levels faster than almost anything else. And 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:46.439 if you are the older adult listening today, well, 00:05:46.459 --> 00:05:49.000 keep in mind that your feelings do matter, too. 00:05:49.319 --> 00:05:53.100 You are allowed to say, please slow down or please 00:05:53.100 --> 00:05:56.399 let me try it myself or I need a minute, please. 00:05:57.019 --> 00:05:59.639 That is not being difficult. That is just speaking 00:05:59.639 --> 00:06:04.220 up for your dignity. Another helpful tool is 00:06:04.220 --> 00:06:08.339 movement. Anger creates energy in the body and 00:06:08.339 --> 00:06:11.740 it wants to go somewhere. Now, you don't need 00:06:11.740 --> 00:06:15.120 to do intense exercises to get rid of this energy. 00:06:15.639 --> 00:06:18.579 Usually folding some towels or stepping outside 00:06:18.579 --> 00:06:21.680 for fresh air or doing a few stretches or taking 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:25.500 a short walk. That can be enough to release some 00:06:25.500 --> 00:06:28.879 of that built up tension. Somebody who feels 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:31.579 stuck, irritated, and restless, I've seen them 00:06:31.579 --> 00:06:34.100 after a little movement and a change of setting, 00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:37.180 they get out of that mindset for a second and 00:06:37.180 --> 00:06:40.579 it kind of lets their mood shift a little. Not 00:06:40.579 --> 00:06:43.980 always completely, obviously, but sometimes enough 00:06:43.980 --> 00:06:48.360 to think more clearly or slow down and not react 00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:52.639 so strongly. Words can help, too. Some people 00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:55.160 calm down by talking with someone they trust. 00:06:55.399 --> 00:06:58.560 Others do better by writing things down. So you 00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:00.819 might want to keep a small notebook and write 00:07:00.819 --> 00:07:04.699 a sentence that says, I'm angry because blah 00:07:04.699 --> 00:07:08.100 blah blah. Finish the sentence honestly. You 00:07:08.100 --> 00:07:10.360 don't need perfect grammar. You don't need to 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:13.139 have deep insight. You just need somewhere to 00:07:13.139 --> 00:07:17.100 put that feeling down. Sometimes a simple habit 00:07:17.100 --> 00:07:19.899 like journaling can help keep frustration from 00:07:19.899 --> 00:07:23.720 spilling out onto the wrong person. And here's 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:27.110 something else too. If anger is happening often 00:07:27.110 --> 00:07:30.189 or it feels stronger than usual, pay attention. 00:07:30.949 --> 00:07:33.910 Frequent anger can sometimes be a sign of depression, 00:07:34.730 --> 00:07:38.470 anxiety, pain, poor sleep, medication side effects, 00:07:38.889 --> 00:07:42.649 grief, caregiver burnout. In people with dementia, 00:07:43.290 --> 00:07:45.769 frustration can also rise when they feel confused, 00:07:46.170 --> 00:07:49.410 rushed, overstimulated, or unable to express 00:07:49.410 --> 00:07:52.689 what they need. That doesn't mean something terrible 00:07:52.689 --> 00:07:55.389 is wrong, but it does mean the anger deserves 00:07:55.389 --> 00:07:58.790 a closer look. You don't have to solve that alone. 00:07:59.250 --> 00:08:02.550 Sometimes the next right step is talking with 00:08:02.550 --> 00:08:06.129 a doctor, a support group, a counselor. There's 00:08:06.129 --> 00:08:08.670 strength in getting support before things get 00:08:08.670 --> 00:08:12.389 worse. And for caregivers, I want to add this. 00:08:13.149 --> 00:08:15.970 You are not supposed to absorb stress endlessly 00:08:15.970 --> 00:08:19.589 without being affected by it. If you snap sometimes, 00:08:19.649 --> 00:08:22.870 you are not a monster, but you do need care as 00:08:22.870 --> 00:08:26.350 well. You need to take breaks. You need some 00:08:26.350 --> 00:08:29.069 rest. You need to talk to someone that you can 00:08:29.069 --> 00:08:33.590 talk to honestly. You need moments that are only 00:08:33.590 --> 00:08:38.009 for you. I've seen caregivers who loves the person 00:08:38.009 --> 00:08:40.809 so much that they carry their frustration around 00:08:40.809 --> 00:08:44.019 until it scares them. But what helped was not 00:08:44.019 --> 00:08:47.019 guilt, what helped was support and relief and 00:08:47.019 --> 00:08:51.019 permission to be human. So if anger or frustration 00:08:51.019 --> 00:08:53.700 has been with you lately, try to meet it with 00:08:53.700 --> 00:08:57.519 curiosity instead of judgment. Notice it and 00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:01.440 name it and pause and breathe, and then ask what's 00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:05.820 really underneath it. Then make one small change 00:09:05.820 --> 00:09:08.820 that supports your body, your mind, or your environment, 00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:12.600 because that's often where calm begins. Not in 00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:15.039 pretending everything is fine, but in caring 00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:19.080 for yourself honestly. If this topic speaks to 00:09:19.080 --> 00:09:21.759 where you are right now, please be gentle with 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:24.659 yourself. You do not have to fix everything at 00:09:24.659 --> 00:09:28.120 once. Start with one small step like a breath 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:32.120 or a pause or a kind word to yourself. Little 00:09:32.120 --> 00:09:34.879 restful moments can lead you back to steadiness 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:38.639 and safety and confidence. So thank you so much 00:09:38.639 --> 00:09:41.639 for being here with me today. I hope this episode 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:44.240 gave you a little comfort and a few simple ideas 00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:47.460 that you can use right away. For more tips and 00:09:47.460 --> 00:09:51.139 resources, please visit SeniorSafetyAdvice .com. 00:09:51.379 --> 00:09:53.720 And if you're looking for aging in place professionals 00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:57.779 in your area, visit AgingInPlaceDirectory .com. 00:09:58.320 --> 00:10:01.500 Please also subscribe to our podcast or to our 00:10:01.500 --> 00:10:04.740 YouTube channel. And until next time, this is 00:10:04.740 --> 00:10:09.019 Robin, wishing you safety, calm, and peace. Thanks 00:10:09.019 --> 00:10:11.789 for listening today. Take care. Bye.