WEBVTT 00:00:01.159 --> 00:00:03.399 Caregiver guilt is one of the heaviest things 00:00:03.399 --> 00:00:05.980 you'll carry and no one prepares you for it. 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:08.699 If you've ever gone home after helping a parent 00:00:08.699 --> 00:00:11.539 and thought, I should be doing more, or I'm not 00:00:11.539 --> 00:00:14.300 doing this right, then today's episode is for 00:00:14.300 --> 00:00:16.920 you. In the next few minutes, I'm going to help 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:19.660 you understand where caregiver guilt really comes 00:00:19.660 --> 00:00:23.559 from, why it feels so intense, and most importantly, 00:00:23.699 --> 00:00:27.059 how to cope with it in a healthier way. I'm Robin 00:00:27.059 --> 00:00:30.000 Schiltz, a senior home safety specialist, and 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:32.320 I've worked with hundreds of older adults and 00:00:32.320 --> 00:00:35.159 family caregivers. I've seen caregiver guilt 00:00:35.159 --> 00:00:37.600 up close, and I want you to know something right 00:00:37.600 --> 00:00:40.740 from the start. You're not failing, you're human. 00:00:41.719 --> 00:00:44.079 Now let's talk about what's really going on. 00:00:44.810 --> 00:00:48.329 Caregiver guilt often shows up quietly. It creeps 00:00:48.329 --> 00:00:51.509 in when you leave your loved one's house. It 00:00:51.509 --> 00:00:54.229 shows up when you say no, shows up when you feel 00:00:54.229 --> 00:00:58.009 tired and irritated or even resentful, and then 00:00:58.009 --> 00:01:01.570 you feel bad for feeling that way. A lot of caregivers 00:01:01.570 --> 00:01:03.950 tell me they feel guilty for not doing enough. 00:01:04.310 --> 00:01:07.109 Others feel guilty for doing too much and still 00:01:07.109 --> 00:01:10.189 feeling exhausted. Some feel guilty because they 00:01:10.189 --> 00:01:12.730 can't be there every day. Others feel guilty 00:01:12.730 --> 00:01:14.590 because they're there every day and they feel 00:01:14.590 --> 00:01:18.069 trapped. So here's what I want you to hear clearly. 00:01:19.250 --> 00:01:21.430 Guilt does not mean you're doing something wrong. 00:01:21.849 --> 00:01:25.609 Guilt often means that you care deeply. One big 00:01:25.609 --> 00:01:28.469 reason caregiver guilt feels so big is because 00:01:28.469 --> 00:01:31.549 many caregivers set impossible standards for 00:01:31.549 --> 00:01:34.500 themselves. They believe they should be patient 00:01:34.500 --> 00:01:37.359 all the time. They believe they should know the 00:01:37.359 --> 00:01:40.359 right answer every time. They believe they should 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:43.980 sacrifice everything without complaint. But that 00:01:43.980 --> 00:01:46.840 standard is not realistic and it's not healthy. 00:01:47.719 --> 00:01:51.079 Caregiving is emotionally complex. You can love 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:53.840 someone and feel overwhelmed at the same time. 00:01:54.359 --> 00:01:57.799 You can want to help and still need space. These 00:01:57.799 --> 00:02:01.439 things can exist together. Another source of 00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:04.219 guilt comes from role changes. When a parent 00:02:04.219 --> 00:02:08.060 becomes dependent, the relationship shifts. You're 00:02:08.060 --> 00:02:10.919 no longer just the child. You become the helper, 00:02:11.159 --> 00:02:14.500 the organizer, the decision -maker. That role 00:02:14.500 --> 00:02:17.319 reversal can feel uncomfortable and sad, and 00:02:17.319 --> 00:02:20.240 sometimes guilt shows up as grief and disguise. 00:02:21.159 --> 00:02:23.520 Caregivers often feel guilt around decisions 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:27.169 as well. Decisions about safety or about money 00:02:27.169 --> 00:02:30.169 or about bringing in help or about long -term 00:02:30.169 --> 00:02:33.469 care. You may replay those decisions in your 00:02:33.469 --> 00:02:35.770 head late at night wondering if you did the right 00:02:35.770 --> 00:02:39.590 thing. Caregivers often judge their decision 00:02:39.590 --> 00:02:42.250 with hindsight, not with the information they 00:02:42.250 --> 00:02:45.610 had at the time, and doing that is not fair to 00:02:45.610 --> 00:02:48.610 you. So how do you cope with caregiver guilt 00:02:48.610 --> 00:02:52.469 in a healthy way? First, put a name to it. When 00:02:52.469 --> 00:02:55.449 guilt shows up, say it out loud or in your own 00:02:55.449 --> 00:02:59.909 head. Say, this is caregiver guilt. Maintaining 00:02:59.909 --> 00:03:03.129 it separates the feeling from the facts and reminds 00:03:03.129 --> 00:03:06.930 you that emotions are signals, not verdicts. 00:03:07.250 --> 00:03:09.650 Second, check the story you're telling yourself. 00:03:10.189 --> 00:03:13.310 Ask yourself, what am I expecting in myself right 00:03:13.310 --> 00:03:16.909 now? If the answer sounds like, well, everything, 00:03:17.229 --> 00:03:20.469 then the expectation needs to change. Third, 00:03:20.610 --> 00:03:23.590 remind yourself of what you're doing, not just 00:03:23.590 --> 00:03:27.270 what you aren't. Caregivers often focus on gaps 00:03:27.270 --> 00:03:30.789 instead of contributions. Make a short list, 00:03:30.810 --> 00:03:33.750 even mentally, of what you handled today. It 00:03:33.750 --> 00:03:37.189 was at least, I'm sure, a few phone calls, getting 00:03:37.189 --> 00:03:40.430 a meal ready, visiting someone, a safety check. 00:03:40.930 --> 00:03:46.990 All these things count. Fourth, allow help without 00:03:46.990 --> 00:03:51.050 labeling it as failure. Bringing in support does 00:03:51.050 --> 00:03:53.849 not mean you don't care. It means you understand 00:03:53.849 --> 00:03:57.129 limits, and limits are not weaknesses. They're 00:03:57.129 --> 00:03:59.789 boundaries that protect everyone who's involved. 00:04:00.930 --> 00:04:03.330 Another powerful way to cope with guilt is to 00:04:03.330 --> 00:04:06.289 reconnect with your own needs. I know that can 00:04:06.289 --> 00:04:09.889 sound selfish at first, but it's not. When caregivers 00:04:09.889 --> 00:04:12.610 ignore their own health, their sleep, and their 00:04:12.610 --> 00:04:18.160 emotional needs, guilt actually gets worse. Exhaustion 00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:21.759 amplifies negative thoughts. Even small acts 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:25.139 of self -care matter. A walk, a quiet cup of 00:04:25.139 --> 00:04:28.399 coffee, a phone call with a friend. These small 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:31.379 moments refill your emotional tank so guilt does 00:04:31.379 --> 00:04:34.360 not take over the wheel. It also helps to talk 00:04:34.360 --> 00:04:37.459 to someone who understands caregiving, not someone 00:04:37.459 --> 00:04:40.879 who minimizes it, and not someone who says, oh, 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:43.680 just do your best, but someone who truly gets 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:46.629 the emotional weight of it. Look for support 00:04:46.629 --> 00:04:49.910 groups. They have in -person and online groups. 00:04:50.509 --> 00:04:53.290 Look into a counselor or even trusted peers. 00:04:53.750 --> 00:04:56.709 Talking to them can make a big difference. Here's 00:04:56.709 --> 00:04:59.529 one more thing I really want you to hear. Feeling 00:04:59.529 --> 00:05:01.910 guilty does not mean you need to punish yourself 00:05:01.910 --> 00:05:05.269 by doing more. Sometimes the most responsible 00:05:05.269 --> 00:05:08.610 choice is to pause, reassess, and protect your 00:05:08.610 --> 00:05:12.089 own well -being. Caregiving is a long journey. 00:05:12.509 --> 00:05:16.009 Burning yourself out helps no one. Sustainable 00:05:16.009 --> 00:05:19.089 care comes from balance, not guilt. If you're 00:05:19.089 --> 00:05:21.370 listening today and you're feeling overwhelmed, 00:05:21.670 --> 00:05:24.509 please know you're not alone. Caregiver guilt 00:05:24.509 --> 00:05:27.410 is common, but it doesn't have to control you. 00:05:27.930 --> 00:05:31.170 With awareness, support, and realistic expectations, 00:05:31.529 --> 00:05:35.050 it can soften. So thanks for joining me today. 00:05:35.319 --> 00:05:37.620 Please share this episode with someone you care 00:05:37.620 --> 00:05:40.180 about who could use the information to make their 00:05:40.180 --> 00:05:43.620 life safer. You'll find more resources for seniors 00:05:43.620 --> 00:05:47.060 and caregivers on our website at seniorsafetyadvice 00:05:47.060 --> 00:05:49.980 .com. And if you're searching for an aging in 00:05:49.980 --> 00:05:52.980 place specialist, please visit our sister website 00:05:52.980 --> 00:05:56.790 at aginginplacedirectory .com. While you're at 00:05:56.790 --> 00:05:59.050 it, if you haven't subscribed to our YouTube 00:05:59.050 --> 00:06:02.189 channel or to this podcast yet, go ahead and 00:06:02.189 --> 00:06:04.709 do that right now and then come back tomorrow 00:06:04.709 --> 00:06:07.949 for another daily moment of guidance and encouragement 00:06:07.949 --> 00:06:11.329 right here on the Senior Safety Advice Podcast. 00:06:12.250 --> 00:06:15.569 Until next time, thanks for listening. Take care. 00:06:16.050 --> 00:06:16.410 Bye.