Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the Daily Senior
Safety Advice Podcast. This month, you know that
we've been talking, this month of February, we've
been talking about heart health and emotional
resilience month. And today, I wanted to talk
about the value of forgiveness for emotional
healing. And I want to start by saying something,
by saying this. Forgiveness is one of the most
misunderstood ideas out there. A lot of people
think that forgiveness means excusing the behavior
or pretending that something didn't hurt or letting
someone off the hook, which it's not that at
all. Forgiveness is not really about the other
person. It's about what you're carrying. And
in my lifetime, I've seen this and I myself have
forgiven, have experienced this, this forgiveness
so many times. But it took a lot of time and
a lot of self -work. to get to that point. People
carrying old hurts can feel like a heavy bag
constantly, year after year, decade after decade.
My mom used to say that she lived under a black
cloud. That was her quote, black cloud. But the
reality was that she would create that cloud
for herself. And she did. She literally did live
under that black cloud because she could not
get out from those heavy bags that she kept carrying.
And it comes on so subtle and it builds up so
subtly and in pieces that you don't even realize
how heavy it truly becomes. until, of course,
your body starts showing it, you know, with tension,
with anxiety, with depression, with fatigue,
poor sleep, you know, high blood pressure, unresolved
emotional pain. Doesn't stay emotional. It lives
in the body. My late husband was a psychologist
and then he became a physician assistant and
he used to come home. many days you know from
his work at family practice and point to his
body and say you know majority people aren't
coming in to see me for this be pointing at his
body and then he would point to his head he said
they're coming in to see me for this meaning
that it's not really the physical pains that
they're experiencing it's really from the emotional
pain that they're carrying and that's where I've
learned that forgiveness can really come in and
relieve some of that. Forgiveness is a way of
setting something down. Not because it didn't
matter, but because you matter more than that.
I mean, I've worked with older adults who said,
you know, I should be over this by now. And I
am still, after so many years, grieving my husband's
passing. And I know some of my friends are probably
thinking, she should be over this by now. But
it doesn't always stop right there. And if you've
been through grief, you know that you don't actually
quite ever get over it. You just learn to live
with it. It's like learning to live with a splinter
is what I read somewhere. But there is no timeline
for emotional pain. Some wounds take longer to
soften, especially when they involve betrayal,
loss, or deep disappointment. Forgiveness isn't
a deadline, it's a process, and if you allow
that process to evolve and work on it, then it
will at some point become something that is livable
with. I hope that makes sense. And sometimes,
you know, that process starts very quietly. Sometimes
it starts with a thought like, you know, I don't
want this to hurt me anymore. Just declaring
that is the beginning of the healing of yourself.
That's it. Something simple like that. That alone
is enough to begin. One thing that I've noticed
is that unforgiven pain keeps the nervous system
on alert. You know, the body tends to stay braced.
you know, waiting, you know, always protecting
yourself. And that constant vigilance can really
be exhausting. Forgiveness allows the body to
stand down. Not fully at first, of course, but
little by little. I mean, your shoulders tend
to relax. Your just general demeanor and body
tend to relax. You become calmer. and less agitated,
let's say. I've seen, you know, people begin
this process and their shoulders relax. You know,
you can physically see it when they can say to
themselves, I'm done replaying this. And I often
have to say that to myself as well. As I move
through this... this grieving process, this forever
grieving process, that release really does matter.
Another thing that people tend to not realize
is that forgiveness doesn't require contact.
You don't have to talk to the person, you don't
have to explain yourself, you don't have to reconcile
because forgiveness is internal, it's not external.
Remember, it's not about the other person, it's
about yourself. It's not forgiving them. Forgiveness
is letting go and that's internal. It's not about
them. It's quiet. It's personal. Letting go can
bring you lots of peace. Forgiveness is not forgetting,
as I've said before. Your brain remembers and
it helps to protect you. Forgiveness is choosing
not to relive the pain every time the memory
shows up. It's saying, this happened, but it
doesn't get to run my life, my mind, or my body
anymore. That choice is powerful and it's healing.
Another thing I want to say out loud is that
forgiveness can happen in layers. You might forgive
intellectually at first. You know, your brain
can begin the process of forgiving. But your
heart may take a lot longer. So emotionally,
it can happen later. Forgiveness can happen later.
Or, you know, it's going to go up and down. You
can forgive on most days and then struggle on
other days. Believe me, that is normal. Healing,
forgiveness is not linear. forgiving siblings,
siblings who maybe didn't help with caregiving
of an elderly parent, forgiving doctors who missed
something, forgiving yourself for not doing this
or for doing that. You know, it's constantly
I should have said this or I could have said
that or maybe I didn't say this or I didn't say
that or I should have done this and I should
have done that. Or maybe I shouldn't have or
couldn't have or I mean there your life is going
to always be filled with should've and could've
and why didn't I and why did I? Every single
person replays those constantly in their mind
when they come up against an issue that is unresolved
and that's where forgiveness comes in. It's not
about the other person. It's about yourself.
That kind of self -blame is extremely heavy to
carry. Forgiveness towards yourself is not letting
yourself off the hook. It's acknowledging that
you did the best you could with what you knew,
with what you had at that time. When you realize
that, when you finally accept that and can forgive
yourself for whatever, you may have an emotional
breakdown. You may begin crying and you may spend
an hour or a day crying or two. That's okay.
That's normal because you are finally letting
that go. You're releasing that. And forgiveness
frees up a lot of energy and sometimes that energy
comes out in crying. That's okay. But you will
sleep better. and you will breathe easier and
you're going to feel lighter, not because life
changed, not because the external life changed,
but your inner life, that inner load shifted.
So here's something very important. Forgiveness
does not mean that you remove boundaries. Boundaries
are so very, very important for all of us. You
can forgive and still protect yourself. You can
forgive and still say no. That is healthy. Forgiveness
is not access. It's release. And release is very
good for your heart. Your blood pressure can
improve when emotional tension is eased. And
because the reason for that is because emotions
in the heart are deeply connected. Stress tightens
blood vessel. But vessels and peace softens them.
Forgiveness supports peace. That I think we can
all agree on. Now I want to be clear. Don't have
to rush it. You don't have to declare it today
and expect it to be done by tonight at dinner.
Pushing yourself can cause more harm. Start where
you are. Maybe today it's just acknowledging
the hurt. Maybe tomorrow it's setting a boundary.
and maybe later, the next day, the next week,
it's letting go a little more. All of that counts
because you're working towards it. It's the process,
not perfection. Healing happens at your pace
and forgiveness is not a one -time event. It's
practice, practice, practice, practice. A choice
you return to when old feelings resurface, when
you become your old self before that event happened.
And each time you choose it, the grip that an
event like that has on you loosens a bit more.
So if you're carrying around something heavy
right now, something emotionally heavy, ask yourself
this, is holding on to this helping me or is
it hurting me? If it's hurting you, then forgiveness
might be the gift that you give yourself. Not
because what happened was okay. It wasn't, clearly.
But because you deserve that peace. You deserve
a happy, peaceful, healthy life. Well, that's
all I have for you today. I know I shared a little
bit of my own healing process, but I can tell
you that learning to forgive myself for past
events and we all have regrets, but blaming the
other person or the event that happened doesn't
help. It is really all about how you react to
what happens to you and then moving forward with
that sense of forgiveness, with the act of forgiveness.
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or some new ideas, then please share it with
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