WEBVTT 00:00:00.590 --> 00:00:05.389 Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the Daily Senior 00:00:05.389 --> 00:00:10.410 Safety Advice Podcast. This month, you know that 00:00:10.410 --> 00:00:13.250 we've been talking, this month of February, we've 00:00:13.250 --> 00:00:16.309 been talking about heart health and emotional 00:00:16.309 --> 00:00:21.010 resilience month. And today, I wanted to talk 00:00:21.010 --> 00:00:25.390 about the value of forgiveness for emotional 00:00:25.390 --> 00:00:30.800 healing. And I want to start by saying something, 00:00:32.299 --> 00:00:35.780 by saying this. Forgiveness is one of the most 00:00:35.780 --> 00:00:40.600 misunderstood ideas out there. A lot of people 00:00:40.600 --> 00:00:44.359 think that forgiveness means excusing the behavior 00:00:44.359 --> 00:00:51.140 or pretending that something didn't hurt or letting 00:00:51.140 --> 00:00:56.020 someone off the hook, which it's not that at 00:00:56.020 --> 00:01:00.560 all. Forgiveness is not really about the other 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:06.280 person. It's about what you're carrying. And 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:10.859 in my lifetime, I've seen this and I myself have 00:01:10.859 --> 00:01:15.120 forgiven, have experienced this, this forgiveness 00:01:15.120 --> 00:01:21.680 so many times. But it took a lot of time and 00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:28.909 a lot of self -work. to get to that point. People 00:01:28.909 --> 00:01:35.829 carrying old hurts can feel like a heavy bag 00:01:35.829 --> 00:01:40.030 constantly, year after year, decade after decade. 00:01:40.549 --> 00:01:45.849 My mom used to say that she lived under a black 00:01:45.849 --> 00:01:50.290 cloud. That was her quote, black cloud. But the 00:01:50.290 --> 00:01:53.859 reality was that she would create that cloud 00:01:53.859 --> 00:01:58.260 for herself. And she did. She literally did live 00:01:58.260 --> 00:02:00.980 under that black cloud because she could not 00:02:00.980 --> 00:02:05.480 get out from those heavy bags that she kept carrying. 00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:12.979 And it comes on so subtle and it builds up so 00:02:12.979 --> 00:02:16.740 subtly and in pieces that you don't even realize 00:02:16.740 --> 00:02:21.710 how heavy it truly becomes. until, of course, 00:02:21.909 --> 00:02:24.810 your body starts showing it, you know, with tension, 00:02:25.310 --> 00:02:29.009 with anxiety, with depression, with fatigue, 00:02:29.610 --> 00:02:34.349 poor sleep, you know, high blood pressure, unresolved 00:02:34.349 --> 00:02:39.370 emotional pain. Doesn't stay emotional. It lives 00:02:39.370 --> 00:02:42.909 in the body. My late husband was a psychologist 00:02:42.909 --> 00:02:46.050 and then he became a physician assistant and 00:02:46.050 --> 00:02:49.939 he used to come home. many days you know from 00:02:49.939 --> 00:02:53.280 his work at family practice and point to his 00:02:53.280 --> 00:02:56.000 body and say you know majority people aren't 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.900 coming in to see me for this be pointing at his 00:02:58.900 --> 00:03:01.080 body and then he would point to his head he said 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:04.259 they're coming in to see me for this meaning 00:03:04.259 --> 00:03:07.180 that it's not really the physical pains that 00:03:07.180 --> 00:03:10.139 they're experiencing it's really from the emotional 00:03:10.139 --> 00:03:15.419 pain that they're carrying and that's where I've 00:03:15.419 --> 00:03:18.919 learned that forgiveness can really come in and 00:03:18.919 --> 00:03:22.659 relieve some of that. Forgiveness is a way of 00:03:22.659 --> 00:03:26.280 setting something down. Not because it didn't 00:03:26.280 --> 00:03:31.379 matter, but because you matter more than that. 00:03:32.020 --> 00:03:35.939 I mean, I've worked with older adults who said, 00:03:36.039 --> 00:03:39.599 you know, I should be over this by now. And I 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:43.419 am still, after so many years, grieving my husband's 00:03:43.419 --> 00:03:47.449 passing. And I know some of my friends are probably 00:03:47.449 --> 00:03:50.969 thinking, she should be over this by now. But 00:03:50.969 --> 00:03:56.289 it doesn't always stop right there. And if you've 00:03:56.289 --> 00:03:59.030 been through grief, you know that you don't actually 00:03:59.030 --> 00:04:02.430 quite ever get over it. You just learn to live 00:04:02.430 --> 00:04:05.550 with it. It's like learning to live with a splinter 00:04:05.550 --> 00:04:10.550 is what I read somewhere. But there is no timeline 00:04:10.550 --> 00:04:15.909 for emotional pain. Some wounds take longer to 00:04:15.909 --> 00:04:18.649 soften, especially when they involve betrayal, 00:04:19.350 --> 00:04:23.029 loss, or deep disappointment. Forgiveness isn't 00:04:23.029 --> 00:04:26.089 a deadline, it's a process, and if you allow 00:04:26.089 --> 00:04:30.790 that process to evolve and work on it, then it 00:04:30.790 --> 00:04:34.370 will at some point become something that is livable 00:04:34.370 --> 00:04:38.230 with. I hope that makes sense. And sometimes, 00:04:38.230 --> 00:04:41.949 you know, that process starts very quietly. Sometimes 00:04:41.949 --> 00:04:44.670 it starts with a thought like, you know, I don't 00:04:44.670 --> 00:04:47.910 want this to hurt me anymore. Just declaring 00:04:47.910 --> 00:04:51.750 that is the beginning of the healing of yourself. 00:04:52.110 --> 00:04:55.689 That's it. Something simple like that. That alone 00:04:55.689 --> 00:04:59.550 is enough to begin. One thing that I've noticed 00:04:59.550 --> 00:05:03.810 is that unforgiven pain keeps the nervous system 00:05:03.810 --> 00:05:07.670 on alert. You know, the body tends to stay braced. 00:05:07.899 --> 00:05:10.220 you know, waiting, you know, always protecting 00:05:10.220 --> 00:05:14.420 yourself. And that constant vigilance can really 00:05:14.420 --> 00:05:19.639 be exhausting. Forgiveness allows the body to 00:05:19.639 --> 00:05:23.879 stand down. Not fully at first, of course, but 00:05:23.879 --> 00:05:26.480 little by little. I mean, your shoulders tend 00:05:26.480 --> 00:05:31.620 to relax. Your just general demeanor and body 00:05:31.620 --> 00:05:36.899 tend to relax. You become calmer. and less agitated, 00:05:36.939 --> 00:05:42.779 let's say. I've seen, you know, people begin 00:05:42.779 --> 00:05:45.759 this process and their shoulders relax. You know, 00:05:45.819 --> 00:05:50.339 you can physically see it when they can say to 00:05:50.339 --> 00:05:55.060 themselves, I'm done replaying this. And I often 00:05:55.060 --> 00:05:59.519 have to say that to myself as well. As I move 00:05:59.519 --> 00:06:04.089 through this... this grieving process, this forever 00:06:04.089 --> 00:06:08.310 grieving process, that release really does matter. 00:06:08.990 --> 00:06:12.230 Another thing that people tend to not realize 00:06:12.230 --> 00:06:15.649 is that forgiveness doesn't require contact. 00:06:16.449 --> 00:06:18.949 You don't have to talk to the person, you don't 00:06:18.949 --> 00:06:21.949 have to explain yourself, you don't have to reconcile 00:06:21.949 --> 00:06:25.750 because forgiveness is internal, it's not external. 00:06:25.889 --> 00:06:30.170 Remember, it's not about the other person, it's 00:06:30.170 --> 00:06:34.189 about yourself. It's not forgiving them. Forgiveness 00:06:34.189 --> 00:06:38.430 is letting go and that's internal. It's not about 00:06:38.430 --> 00:06:45.250 them. It's quiet. It's personal. Letting go can 00:06:45.250 --> 00:06:51.769 bring you lots of peace. Forgiveness is not forgetting, 00:06:51.949 --> 00:06:55.470 as I've said before. Your brain remembers and 00:06:55.470 --> 00:06:58.769 it helps to protect you. Forgiveness is choosing 00:06:59.259 --> 00:07:03.279 not to relive the pain every time the memory 00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:07.519 shows up. It's saying, this happened, but it 00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:12.459 doesn't get to run my life, my mind, or my body 00:07:12.459 --> 00:07:16.959 anymore. That choice is powerful and it's healing. 00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:20.879 Another thing I want to say out loud is that 00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:25.100 forgiveness can happen in layers. You might forgive 00:07:25.100 --> 00:07:28.449 intellectually at first. You know, your brain 00:07:28.449 --> 00:07:32.069 can begin the process of forgiving. But your 00:07:32.069 --> 00:07:36.069 heart may take a lot longer. So emotionally, 00:07:36.569 --> 00:07:39.629 it can happen later. Forgiveness can happen later. 00:07:40.189 --> 00:07:43.509 Or, you know, it's going to go up and down. You 00:07:43.509 --> 00:07:46.550 can forgive on most days and then struggle on 00:07:46.550 --> 00:07:50.829 other days. Believe me, that is normal. Healing, 00:07:51.529 --> 00:07:56.990 forgiveness is not linear. forgiving siblings, 00:07:57.310 --> 00:07:59.709 siblings who maybe didn't help with caregiving 00:07:59.709 --> 00:08:03.930 of an elderly parent, forgiving doctors who missed 00:08:03.930 --> 00:08:08.670 something, forgiving yourself for not doing this 00:08:08.670 --> 00:08:12.290 or for doing that. You know, it's constantly 00:08:12.290 --> 00:08:14.670 I should have said this or I could have said 00:08:14.670 --> 00:08:18.769 that or maybe I didn't say this or I didn't say 00:08:18.769 --> 00:08:21.050 that or I should have done this and I should 00:08:21.050 --> 00:08:24.050 have done that. Or maybe I shouldn't have or 00:08:24.050 --> 00:08:27.290 couldn't have or I mean there your life is going 00:08:27.290 --> 00:08:30.149 to always be filled with should've and could've 00:08:30.149 --> 00:08:34.769 and why didn't I and why did I? Every single 00:08:34.769 --> 00:08:38.669 person replays those constantly in their mind 00:08:38.669 --> 00:08:43.509 when they come up against an issue that is unresolved 00:08:43.509 --> 00:08:48.350 and that's where forgiveness comes in. It's not 00:08:48.350 --> 00:08:51.009 about the other person. It's about yourself. 00:08:51.149 --> 00:08:54.950 That kind of self -blame is extremely heavy to 00:08:54.950 --> 00:08:58.809 carry. Forgiveness towards yourself is not letting 00:08:58.809 --> 00:09:01.470 yourself off the hook. It's acknowledging that 00:09:01.470 --> 00:09:04.809 you did the best you could with what you knew, 00:09:04.950 --> 00:09:11.129 with what you had at that time. When you realize 00:09:11.129 --> 00:09:15.269 that, when you finally accept that and can forgive 00:09:15.269 --> 00:09:19.730 yourself for whatever, you may have an emotional 00:09:19.730 --> 00:09:23.809 breakdown. You may begin crying and you may spend 00:09:23.809 --> 00:09:28.250 an hour or a day crying or two. That's okay. 00:09:28.409 --> 00:09:32.269 That's normal because you are finally letting 00:09:32.269 --> 00:09:36.389 that go. You're releasing that. And forgiveness 00:09:36.389 --> 00:09:40.409 frees up a lot of energy and sometimes that energy 00:09:40.409 --> 00:09:45.509 comes out in crying. That's okay. But you will 00:09:45.509 --> 00:09:49.139 sleep better. and you will breathe easier and 00:09:49.139 --> 00:09:52.480 you're going to feel lighter, not because life 00:09:52.480 --> 00:09:56.200 changed, not because the external life changed, 00:09:56.279 --> 00:09:59.840 but your inner life, that inner load shifted. 00:10:00.820 --> 00:10:04.000 So here's something very important. Forgiveness 00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:08.899 does not mean that you remove boundaries. Boundaries 00:10:08.899 --> 00:10:12.679 are so very, very important for all of us. You 00:10:12.679 --> 00:10:16.799 can forgive and still protect yourself. You can 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:21.360 forgive and still say no. That is healthy. Forgiveness 00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:26.960 is not access. It's release. And release is very 00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:29.960 good for your heart. Your blood pressure can 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:33.679 improve when emotional tension is eased. And 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:36.960 because the reason for that is because emotions 00:10:36.960 --> 00:10:41.580 in the heart are deeply connected. Stress tightens 00:10:41.580 --> 00:10:47.009 blood vessel. But vessels and peace softens them. 00:10:47.269 --> 00:10:50.490 Forgiveness supports peace. That I think we can 00:10:50.490 --> 00:10:53.970 all agree on. Now I want to be clear. Don't have 00:10:53.970 --> 00:10:57.330 to rush it. You don't have to declare it today 00:10:57.330 --> 00:10:59.929 and expect it to be done by tonight at dinner. 00:11:00.629 --> 00:11:03.970 Pushing yourself can cause more harm. Start where 00:11:03.970 --> 00:11:07.669 you are. Maybe today it's just acknowledging 00:11:07.669 --> 00:11:12.149 the hurt. Maybe tomorrow it's setting a boundary. 00:11:12.679 --> 00:11:16.440 and maybe later, the next day, the next week, 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:20.139 it's letting go a little more. All of that counts 00:11:20.139 --> 00:11:22.980 because you're working towards it. It's the process, 00:11:23.600 --> 00:11:29.539 not perfection. Healing happens at your pace 00:11:29.539 --> 00:11:33.279 and forgiveness is not a one -time event. It's 00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:36.980 practice, practice, practice, practice. A choice 00:11:36.980 --> 00:11:40.279 you return to when old feelings resurface, when 00:11:40.279 --> 00:11:43.740 you become your old self before that event happened. 00:11:44.360 --> 00:11:48.480 And each time you choose it, the grip that an 00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:51.320 event like that has on you loosens a bit more. 00:11:51.820 --> 00:11:54.299 So if you're carrying around something heavy 00:11:54.299 --> 00:11:57.700 right now, something emotionally heavy, ask yourself 00:11:57.700 --> 00:12:02.100 this, is holding on to this helping me or is 00:12:02.100 --> 00:12:05.399 it hurting me? If it's hurting you, then forgiveness 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:09.100 might be the gift that you give yourself. Not 00:12:09.100 --> 00:12:12.519 because what happened was okay. It wasn't, clearly. 00:12:13.220 --> 00:12:18.139 But because you deserve that peace. You deserve 00:12:18.139 --> 00:12:24.100 a happy, peaceful, healthy life. Well, that's 00:12:24.100 --> 00:12:27.419 all I have for you today. I know I shared a little 00:12:27.419 --> 00:12:31.279 bit of my own healing process, but I can tell 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:38.179 you that learning to forgive myself for past 00:12:38.179 --> 00:12:43.539 events and we all have regrets, but blaming the 00:12:43.539 --> 00:12:47.340 other person or the event that happened doesn't 00:12:47.340 --> 00:12:52.500 help. It is really all about how you react to 00:12:52.500 --> 00:12:55.860 what happens to you and then moving forward with 00:12:55.860 --> 00:12:59.139 that sense of forgiveness, with the act of forgiveness. 00:13:01.070 --> 00:13:04.210 If today's episode gave you some useful insights 00:13:04.210 --> 00:13:06.950 or some new ideas, then please share it with 00:13:06.950 --> 00:13:09.110 someone who you think might find it helpful as 00:13:09.110 --> 00:13:12.750 well. And you can discover even more expert tips 00:13:12.750 --> 00:13:14.950 and helpful guides for seniors and caregivers 00:13:14.950 --> 00:13:18.490 at seniorsafetyadvice .com. If you're searching 00:13:18.490 --> 00:13:20.769 for someone to help you with senior services, 00:13:21.190 --> 00:13:23.929 then please consider taking a look at our website, 00:13:24.049 --> 00:13:27.240 aginginplacedirectory .com. And of course, come 00:13:27.240 --> 00:13:30.259 back tomorrow for more useful tips, insights 00:13:30.259 --> 00:13:33.440 and ideas right here on Senior Safety Advice 00:13:33.440 --> 00:13:36.519 Podcast. And hey, if you haven't yet subscribed 00:13:36.519 --> 00:13:39.940 to our YouTube channel or the podcast yet, then 00:13:39.940 --> 00:13:43.179 please go ahead and do that right now. It truly 00:13:43.179 --> 00:13:45.700 helps us to reach more people who could use this 00:13:45.700 --> 00:13:48.840 kind of support and information. So until next 00:13:48.840 --> 00:13:51.500 time, take care of yourself and the ones that 00:13:51.500 --> 00:13:53.100 you love. Thanks for listening.