Let me say this right up front. Trying to be
the perfect caregiver will burn you out faster
than almost anything else. If you're caring for
a parent, a spouse, or someone you love, and
you feel like you're constantly falling short,
constantly second -guessing yourself, constantly
feeling guilty, this episode is for you. Today
I want to talk about letting go of caregiver
perfectionism. what it looks like, why it sneaks
in so easily, and how loosening your grip on
doing everything right can actually make you
a better caregiver and a healthier human being.
I'm Robin Schiltz, a senior home safety specialist.
I've worked with older adults and family caregivers
for years, and I've seen this pattern over and
over again. Good people. loving people, exhausted
people, beating themselves up for things no one
could realistically manage perfectly. Caregiver
perfectionism often starts quietly. You do not
wake up one day and say, well, that's it, I'm
going to demand perfectionism from myself. It
creeps in slowly. It shows up as thoughts like,
I should be more patient, or I should know what
to do by now, or if I really love them, I wouldn't
feel frustrated. But I want you to hear this
clearly. Those thoughts are not facts. They are
pressure, and that pressure adds weight to an
already heavy role. Caregiving is unpredictable.
People's needs change, health changes, moods
change, energy changes. Even the best plans fall
apart sometimes, right? Perfectionism tells you
that mistakes mean failure, but real life tells
you that mistakes mean you're human. I've worked
with caregivers who did everything. Managed medications,
coordinated appointments, modified the home,
watched for falls, handled finances, provided
emotional support, and still felt like they weren't
doing enough. That is perfectionism talking.
Perfectionism also loves to compare. It whispers,
other caregivers seem to handle this better,
or I should be able to do what they're doing.
But you don't see what happens behind closed
doors. You don't see their tears and their arguments
and exhaustion or their doubts. You're comparing
your inside life to someone else's outside snapshot,
and that is never going to be a fair fight. Here's
something important, too. Caring well does not
mean caring endlessly without limits. Doesn't
mean sacrificing your health, your sleep, or
your sense of self. In fact, when you try to
be perfect, a few things usually happen. First,
you stop asking for help, because needing help
feels like failure. Second, you ignore your own
warning signs, because stopping feels selfish.
And third, resentment starts to grow, quietly
at first, then loudly. And resentment does not
mean you're a bad caregiver. It means your load
is too heavy. Letting go of perfectionism does
not mean lowering your standards of care. It
means changing your standards for yourself. Instead
of asking, did I do everything right today? Try
asking, did I do the best I could with the energy
and information I had today? Those are two very
different questions. Perfectionism focuses on
outcomes you can't control. Letting go focuses
on effort and presence and intention. Some days
will go smoothly and some days won't. Some days
you'll say the right things and other days you'll
lose patience. That doesn't erase the love or
the care you provide. I've had caregivers tell
me they feel guilty for wanting a break and for
feeling tired or guilty for wishing things were
different. So I want you to know that wanting
relief does not mean you don't love the person
you're caring for. It means you're human, and
your nervous system needs a rest. Perfectionism
often comes from fear, like fear of judgment,
or fear of regret, or fear of looking back and
thinking, I should have done more. But here's
the truth. You can do everything right and still
face hard outcomes. Aging and illness do not
follow rules, and they do not reward perfection.
What they require is adaptability, compassion,
and flexibility. Letting go of perfectionism
might look like this. Accepting that the house
doesn't need to be spotless to be safe, choosing
rest over one more task, saying no to something
extra, hiring help if you can, asking family
members to step in, and letting things be good
enough. Good enough is not neglect. It is sustainable
care. And sustainable care keeps you in the game
longer. It protects your health and it protects
your relationship with the person you're caring
for. I often tell caregivers, you are not a machine
or a checklist. You are a person in a very demanding
role. You don't need to earn your rest and you
don't need permission to struggle. You don't
need to prove your love by being exhausted. Perfectionism,
if that has been driving your caregiving, well
I want you to pause today and take a small step
back. Breathe. Loosen your shoulders. Lower the
bar just enough to breathe again. Caregiving
is not about being flawless. It's about being
present. And presence matters far more than perfection
ever will. So thanks for joining me today. Please
share this episode with someone you care about
who could use the information to make their life
safer. You'll find more resources for seniors
and caregivers on our website at seniorsafetyadvice
.com. And if you're searching for an Aging in
Place Specialist, please visit our sister website
at aginginplacedirectory .com. Then come back
tomorrow for another Daily Moment of guidance
and encouragement right here on the Senior Safety
Advice Podcast. Oh yes, and if you haven't subscribed
to our YouTube channel or to this podcast yet,
go ahead and do that right now, too. Until next
time, thanks for listening. Take care. Bye!