WEBVTT 00:00:00.639 --> 00:00:03.960 Let me say this right up front. Trying to be 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.620 the perfect caregiver will burn you out faster 00:00:06.620 --> 00:00:09.720 than almost anything else. If you're caring for 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:12.119 a parent, a spouse, or someone you love, and 00:00:12.119 --> 00:00:14.380 you feel like you're constantly falling short, 00:00:14.939 --> 00:00:17.780 constantly second -guessing yourself, constantly 00:00:17.780 --> 00:00:21.640 feeling guilty, this episode is for you. Today 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:24.239 I want to talk about letting go of caregiver 00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:27.780 perfectionism. what it looks like, why it sneaks 00:00:27.780 --> 00:00:31.199 in so easily, and how loosening your grip on 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:33.859 doing everything right can actually make you 00:00:33.859 --> 00:00:36.820 a better caregiver and a healthier human being. 00:00:37.719 --> 00:00:40.700 I'm Robin Schiltz, a senior home safety specialist. 00:00:41.060 --> 00:00:43.560 I've worked with older adults and family caregivers 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:46.380 for years, and I've seen this pattern over and 00:00:46.380 --> 00:00:50.560 over again. Good people. loving people, exhausted 00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:53.719 people, beating themselves up for things no one 00:00:53.719 --> 00:00:58.140 could realistically manage perfectly. Caregiver 00:00:58.140 --> 00:01:01.700 perfectionism often starts quietly. You do not 00:01:01.700 --> 00:01:03.899 wake up one day and say, well, that's it, I'm 00:01:03.899 --> 00:01:07.239 going to demand perfectionism from myself. It 00:01:07.239 --> 00:01:10.640 creeps in slowly. It shows up as thoughts like, 00:01:10.920 --> 00:01:13.340 I should be more patient, or I should know what 00:01:13.340 --> 00:01:16.620 to do by now, or if I really love them, I wouldn't 00:01:16.620 --> 00:01:20.459 feel frustrated. But I want you to hear this 00:01:20.459 --> 00:01:24.319 clearly. Those thoughts are not facts. They are 00:01:24.319 --> 00:01:27.019 pressure, and that pressure adds weight to an 00:01:27.019 --> 00:01:31.239 already heavy role. Caregiving is unpredictable. 00:01:31.659 --> 00:01:34.819 People's needs change, health changes, moods 00:01:34.819 --> 00:01:38.239 change, energy changes. Even the best plans fall 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:42.099 apart sometimes, right? Perfectionism tells you 00:01:42.099 --> 00:01:45.280 that mistakes mean failure, but real life tells 00:01:45.280 --> 00:01:48.400 you that mistakes mean you're human. I've worked 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:52.599 with caregivers who did everything. Managed medications, 00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:55.400 coordinated appointments, modified the home, 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:58.560 watched for falls, handled finances, provided 00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:01.799 emotional support, and still felt like they weren't 00:02:01.799 --> 00:02:05.359 doing enough. That is perfectionism talking. 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:10.139 Perfectionism also loves to compare. It whispers, 00:02:10.680 --> 00:02:12.919 other caregivers seem to handle this better, 00:02:12.919 --> 00:02:16.099 or I should be able to do what they're doing. 00:02:16.669 --> 00:02:19.110 But you don't see what happens behind closed 00:02:19.110 --> 00:02:21.930 doors. You don't see their tears and their arguments 00:02:21.930 --> 00:02:25.550 and exhaustion or their doubts. You're comparing 00:02:25.550 --> 00:02:29.050 your inside life to someone else's outside snapshot, 00:02:29.050 --> 00:02:33.050 and that is never going to be a fair fight. Here's 00:02:33.050 --> 00:02:36.129 something important, too. Caring well does not 00:02:36.129 --> 00:02:39.509 mean caring endlessly without limits. Doesn't 00:02:39.509 --> 00:02:42.090 mean sacrificing your health, your sleep, or 00:02:42.090 --> 00:02:45.129 your sense of self. In fact, when you try to 00:02:45.129 --> 00:02:48.550 be perfect, a few things usually happen. First, 00:02:48.569 --> 00:02:51.069 you stop asking for help, because needing help 00:02:51.069 --> 00:02:54.889 feels like failure. Second, you ignore your own 00:02:54.889 --> 00:02:57.409 warning signs, because stopping feels selfish. 00:02:58.250 --> 00:03:01.569 And third, resentment starts to grow, quietly 00:03:01.569 --> 00:03:05.330 at first, then loudly. And resentment does not 00:03:05.330 --> 00:03:08.189 mean you're a bad caregiver. It means your load 00:03:08.189 --> 00:03:11.710 is too heavy. Letting go of perfectionism does 00:03:11.710 --> 00:03:14.370 not mean lowering your standards of care. It 00:03:14.370 --> 00:03:18.250 means changing your standards for yourself. Instead 00:03:18.250 --> 00:03:21.990 of asking, did I do everything right today? Try 00:03:21.990 --> 00:03:25.430 asking, did I do the best I could with the energy 00:03:25.430 --> 00:03:29.689 and information I had today? Those are two very 00:03:29.689 --> 00:03:33.669 different questions. Perfectionism focuses on 00:03:33.669 --> 00:03:37.219 outcomes you can't control. Letting go focuses 00:03:37.219 --> 00:03:41.259 on effort and presence and intention. Some days 00:03:41.259 --> 00:03:44.680 will go smoothly and some days won't. Some days 00:03:44.680 --> 00:03:47.000 you'll say the right things and other days you'll 00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:50.159 lose patience. That doesn't erase the love or 00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:53.319 the care you provide. I've had caregivers tell 00:03:53.319 --> 00:03:55.860 me they feel guilty for wanting a break and for 00:03:55.860 --> 00:03:58.939 feeling tired or guilty for wishing things were 00:03:58.939 --> 00:04:02.979 different. So I want you to know that wanting 00:04:02.979 --> 00:04:05.659 relief does not mean you don't love the person 00:04:05.659 --> 00:04:08.639 you're caring for. It means you're human, and 00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:12.620 your nervous system needs a rest. Perfectionism 00:04:12.620 --> 00:04:15.680 often comes from fear, like fear of judgment, 00:04:15.879 --> 00:04:18.699 or fear of regret, or fear of looking back and 00:04:18.699 --> 00:04:21.740 thinking, I should have done more. But here's 00:04:21.740 --> 00:04:24.819 the truth. You can do everything right and still 00:04:24.819 --> 00:04:28.459 face hard outcomes. Aging and illness do not 00:04:28.459 --> 00:04:31.579 follow rules, and they do not reward perfection. 00:04:31.829 --> 00:04:35.990 What they require is adaptability, compassion, 00:04:36.290 --> 00:04:40.170 and flexibility. Letting go of perfectionism 00:04:40.170 --> 00:04:43.490 might look like this. Accepting that the house 00:04:43.490 --> 00:04:47.050 doesn't need to be spotless to be safe, choosing 00:04:47.050 --> 00:04:50.949 rest over one more task, saying no to something 00:04:50.949 --> 00:04:55.290 extra, hiring help if you can, asking family 00:04:55.290 --> 00:04:58.509 members to step in, and letting things be good 00:04:58.509 --> 00:05:03.160 enough. Good enough is not neglect. It is sustainable 00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:06.300 care. And sustainable care keeps you in the game 00:05:06.300 --> 00:05:09.279 longer. It protects your health and it protects 00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:11.480 your relationship with the person you're caring 00:05:11.480 --> 00:05:16.000 for. I often tell caregivers, you are not a machine 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:19.699 or a checklist. You are a person in a very demanding 00:05:19.699 --> 00:05:22.600 role. You don't need to earn your rest and you 00:05:22.600 --> 00:05:25.220 don't need permission to struggle. You don't 00:05:25.220 --> 00:05:29.819 need to prove your love by being exhausted. Perfectionism, 00:05:29.819 --> 00:05:32.459 if that has been driving your caregiving, well 00:05:32.459 --> 00:05:35.180 I want you to pause today and take a small step 00:05:35.180 --> 00:05:40.100 back. Breathe. Loosen your shoulders. Lower the 00:05:40.100 --> 00:05:43.560 bar just enough to breathe again. Caregiving 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:46.680 is not about being flawless. It's about being 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:50.300 present. And presence matters far more than perfection 00:05:50.300 --> 00:05:55.319 ever will. So thanks for joining me today. Please 00:05:55.319 --> 00:05:57.459 share this episode with someone you care about 00:05:57.459 --> 00:05:59.720 who could use the information to make their life 00:05:59.720 --> 00:06:02.839 safer. You'll find more resources for seniors 00:06:02.839 --> 00:06:06.120 and caregivers on our website at seniorsafetyadvice 00:06:06.120 --> 00:06:08.939 .com. And if you're searching for an Aging in 00:06:08.939 --> 00:06:11.699 Place Specialist, please visit our sister website 00:06:11.699 --> 00:06:15.310 at aginginplacedirectory .com. Then come back 00:06:15.310 --> 00:06:17.529 tomorrow for another Daily Moment of guidance 00:06:17.529 --> 00:06:20.350 and encouragement right here on the Senior Safety 00:06:20.350 --> 00:06:24.170 Advice Podcast. Oh yes, and if you haven't subscribed 00:06:24.170 --> 00:06:27.089 to our YouTube channel or to this podcast yet, 00:06:27.509 --> 00:06:30.589 go ahead and do that right now, too. Until next 00:06:30.589 --> 00:06:33.930 time, thanks for listening. Take care. Bye!