1 00:00:05,914 --> 00:00:09,834 Seinfeld Explained. Season 8, Episode 9. 2 00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:10,794 The Abstinence. 3 00:00:11,654 --> 00:00:15,354 George's girlfriend gets mono requiring six weeks of abstinence, 4 00:00:15,614 --> 00:00:21,714 which accidentally turns him into a genius when sexual preoccupation stops dominating his brain— 5 00:00:22,394 --> 00:00:25,074 he learns Portuguese, lectures Yankees on physics, 6 00:00:25,594 --> 00:00:27,134 and answers Jeopardy questions. 7 00:00:27,994 --> 00:00:32,014 Meanwhile Elaine stops having sex with her doctor boyfriend to help him study, 8 00:00:32,414 --> 00:00:34,974 which has the OPPOSITE effect on her brain, 9 00:00:35,414 --> 00:00:37,354 making her noticeably dumber. 10 00:00:38,274 --> 00:00:49,654 Jerry correctly diagnoses both situations using brain diagrams and garbage strike metaphors but can't prevent his own Career Day humiliation spiral that damages his actual career. 11 00:00:50,254 --> 00:00:54,434 George's girlfriend Louise gets mono requiring six weeks of no sex, 12 00:00:54,794 --> 00:00:57,054 and instead of the expected sexual frustration, 13 00:00:57,634 --> 00:00:59,134 George becomes a GENIUS— 14 00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:01,434 he's answering Jeopardy questions correctly, 15 00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:03,534 learning Portuguese from his cleaning lady, 16 00:01:03,974 --> 00:01:07,174 lecturing Yankees players on hitting physics using formulas! 17 00:01:07,694 --> 00:01:09,854 Wait, abstinence made George SMART? 18 00:01:10,754 --> 00:01:11,914 Jerry explains it with props— 19 00:01:12,714 --> 00:01:14,794 one olive represents George's intellect, 20 00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:17,194 the rest of the jar is sexual obsession. 21 00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:19,474 Without sex dominating his brain, 22 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:23,154 the "previously useless lump is functioning for the first time"! 23 00:01:23,794 --> 00:01:25,754 That visual proportion is PERFECT— 24 00:01:26,474 --> 00:01:30,534 George's brain is literally one olive of thinking and an entire jar of horniness! 25 00:01:30,954 --> 00:01:36,334 Meanwhile Elaine stops having sex with her boyfriend Ben to help him study for his medical licensing exam, 26 00:01:36,734 --> 00:01:39,234 and abstinence has the OPPOSITE effect on her! 27 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,454 She's getting noticeably dumber! 28 00:01:42,074 --> 00:01:42,594 How dumb? 29 00:01:43,474 --> 00:01:44,814 She can't solve a crossword clue: 30 00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:49,434 "Winnie-the-___." Ben answers "Pooh" and Elaine giggles like a child at the word, 31 00:01:49,874 --> 00:01:51,934 then doesn't understand it's the answer! 32 00:01:52,614 --> 00:01:56,954 She's regressed to finding "Pooh" hilarious while being unable to solve CHILDREN'S LITERATURE! 33 00:01:57,594 --> 00:02:03,454 George goes to Yankees practice and lectures Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams on hitting physics using formulas! 34 00:02:04,214 --> 00:02:09,134 Bernie Williams asks "Who are you again?" and when reminded George handles travel arrangements, 35 00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:12,054 another player mentions the Ramada in Milwaukee! 36 00:02:12,834 --> 00:02:15,154 The travel guy is lecturing World Series champions? 37 00:02:15,814 --> 00:02:22,514 George responds: "You wanna talk about hotels, or you wanna win some ball games?" Bernie Williams deadpans: 38 00:02:22,514 --> 00:02:25,134 "We won the World Series." And George— 39 00:02:25,434 --> 00:02:28,174 WITH INDIGNATION— says "In six games"! 40 00:02:28,614 --> 00:02:30,354 He's mad they didn't SWEEP! 41 00:02:31,154 --> 00:02:35,714 The condescension from the guy who books their hotels about their championship performance is INSANE! 42 00:02:36,494 --> 00:02:39,854 Meanwhile Jerry's invited to speak at his old junior high school's Career Day, 43 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:44,174 but a man with a lizard from the Bronx Zoo goes long feeding it crickets— 44 00:02:45,054 --> 00:02:45,754 Jerry gets bumped! 45 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,274 Bumped by a lizard? 46 00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:49,514 His agent Katie gets him rescheduled, 47 00:02:49,694 --> 00:02:52,494 then escalates it to an entire TWO-HOUR ASSEMBLY— 48 00:02:53,154 --> 00:02:59,614 bumping RICK JAMES! She's turned a simple Career Day slot into replacing an actual celebrity! 49 00:03:00,034 --> 00:03:02,154 That's setting up a spectacular failure— 50 00:03:02,754 --> 00:03:04,574 you don't bump Rick James and come out okay! 51 00:03:05,234 --> 00:03:10,514 Kramer invited smokers to use his apartment as a lounge after smoking got banned from a coffee shop, 52 00:03:11,074 --> 00:03:13,494 and after just 72 HOURS of secondhand smoke, 53 00:03:13,914 --> 00:03:18,994 his face becomes "craggily" and "crinkly" like "an old catcher's mitt"— 54 00:03:18,994 --> 00:03:19,674 teeth turn brown! 55 00:03:20,174 --> 00:03:21,454 72 hours?! 56 00:03:22,294 --> 00:03:24,794 Kramer laments: "My face is my livelihood. 57 00:03:25,354 --> 00:03:31,374 Everything I have I owe to this face." He expected emphysema or cancer but not vanity damage! 58 00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:34,314 Appearance concerns trump actual health! 59 00:03:34,774 --> 00:03:40,534 Elaine's getting so desperate to restore her intelligence she propositions Jerry for exactly 11 minutes, 60 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,214 promising he can read the paper the whole time! 61 00:03:43,854 --> 00:03:48,774 When he refuses, she immediately asks "Is Kramer home?"— 62 00:03:48,774 --> 00:03:50,454 willing to use him as a functional substitute! 63 00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:52,514 The mechanical desperation! 64 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:54,794 And someone passes out at a restaurant— 65 00:03:55,334 --> 00:03:57,354 Ben the medical school graduate FREEZES, 66 00:03:58,014 --> 00:04:01,294 only suggests elevating legs after Sue Ellen prompts him! 67 00:04:01,294 --> 00:04:02,554 He can't pass his exam! 68 00:04:03,574 --> 00:04:05,554 Louise's mono diagnosis was WRONG— 69 00:04:06,194 --> 00:04:07,634 she wants to resume their relationship, 70 00:04:07,934 --> 00:04:10,614 but George chooses INTELLIGENCE over sex! 71 00:04:11,274 --> 00:04:14,594 He tells her he can serve the world better with his newfound genius! 72 00:04:15,454 --> 00:04:17,074 Then a Portuguese waitress appears! 73 00:04:17,554 --> 00:04:18,194 Oh no. 74 00:04:19,414 --> 00:04:21,694 George— using his enhanced intellect— 75 00:04:22,094 --> 00:04:25,914 CALCULATES the mathematical probability of this opportunity ever happening again: 76 00:04:26,614 --> 00:04:29,694 his cleaning lady is Portuguese which is how he learned the language, 77 00:04:30,194 --> 00:04:32,194 what are the odds of meeting another Portuguese woman? 78 00:04:33,094 --> 00:04:35,634 He HAS to sleep with her based on probability! 79 00:04:36,514 --> 00:04:41,394 He used his genius brain to mathematically justify abandoning being a genius! 80 00:04:42,134 --> 00:04:44,594 The intelligence destroyed itself through calculation! 81 00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:48,574 George shows up only to BRAG about the Portuguese waitress— 82 00:04:49,074 --> 00:04:53,474 completely stupid again! Jerry goes on alone with nine minutes of material: 83 00:04:53,934 --> 00:04:55,734 "Hey, kids. What's the deal with homework? 84 00:04:56,474 --> 00:05:00,274 You're not workin' on your home." The kids IMMEDIATELY BOO HIM! 85 00:05:00,784 --> 00:05:05,674 The "What's the deal with" construction getting rejected by the target audience is perfect! 86 00:05:06,394 --> 00:05:09,614 Ben PASSES his medical licensing exam thanks to Elaine's support— 87 00:05:09,614 --> 00:05:11,934 then IMMEDIATELY dumps her, explaining: 88 00:05:12,554 --> 00:05:17,514 "I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. 89 00:05:18,174 --> 00:05:20,214 That's the dream of becoming a doctor!" 90 00:05:20,994 --> 00:05:21,374 WHAT?! 91 00:05:22,034 --> 00:05:27,094 The brutal honesty! The prestige is specifically for upgrading romantic partners! 92 00:05:27,874 --> 00:05:30,474 And Elaine's sacrifice enabled her own dumping! 93 00:05:31,134 --> 00:05:35,834 She made herself DUMB to help him pass so he could immediately leave her for someone smarter! 94 00:05:36,774 --> 00:05:41,634 And all she desperately asks is "Are we going to have sex or not?"— 95 00:05:41,634 --> 00:05:42,994 she just wants to clear her head! 96 00:05:43,674 --> 00:05:48,834 Jackie Chiles sees a lawsuit opportunity in Kramer's "rugged disfigurement"— 97 00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:53,754 except the tobacco company lawyer finds his weathered face ATTRACTIVE! 98 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:54,934 "Projects a rugged masculinity!" 99 00:05:55,454 --> 00:05:56,914 The damage is attractive? 100 00:05:57,614 --> 00:06:07,154 Jackie counters "Rugged? The man's a goblin!" but Kramer settles without Jackie for NO MONEY— just becoming the new MARLBORO MAN on billboards! 101 00:06:07,754 --> 00:06:11,854 Jackie: "This is the most public yet of my many humiliations!" 102 00:06:12,454 --> 00:06:15,514 Kramer became the spokesperson for the thing that disfigured him, 103 00:06:15,514 --> 00:06:16,334 FOR FREE! 104 00:06:17,234 --> 00:06:19,974 And Jerry's junior high disaster cascades upward— 105 00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:22,454 David Letterman CANCELS his appearance, 106 00:06:23,114 --> 00:06:27,634 referencing the "little flap" at the assembly and the fact Jerry got bumped by a lizard! 107 00:06:28,594 --> 00:06:32,134 Educational humiliation became actual career damage! 108 00:06:32,894 --> 00:06:34,934 Career Day destroyed his real career! 109 00:06:35,574 --> 00:06:41,234 Meanwhile George gets lost on the way to his own junior high school and plays with graduated cylinders like a child— 110 00:06:41,694 --> 00:06:42,894 completely stupid again! 111 00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:47,434 This episode PROVES abstinence affects people in completely opposite ways! 112 00:06:48,214 --> 00:06:51,474 George becomes a genius who lectures World Series champions, 113 00:06:51,794 --> 00:06:54,474 Elaine regresses to giggling at "Pooh"— 114 00:06:54,474 --> 00:06:56,174 same condition, opposite results! 115 00:06:56,954 --> 00:06:59,134 And both immediately abandoned their experiments— 116 00:06:59,874 --> 00:07:01,934 George calculated his way out of intelligence, 117 00:07:02,654 --> 00:07:04,954 Elaine just wanted to clear her head after being dumped! 118 00:07:05,734 --> 00:07:12,574 Jerry correctly diagnosed everything using olive jars and garbage strike metaphors but couldn't prevent his own humiliation cascade! 119 00:07:12,574 --> 00:07:15,494 Pattern-identification without power! 120 00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:18,054 And Kramer's face became his fortune— 121 00:07:18,594 --> 00:07:23,554 the tobacco company saw "rugged masculinity" in what Jackie called "goblin" appearance! 122 00:07:24,094 --> 00:07:26,514 While Ben revealed the dark truth about doctors— 123 00:07:26,994 --> 00:07:29,634 they plan to dump whoever supported them through school! 124 00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:34,554 That's the dream! Prestige for partner-upgrading! 125 00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,014 The dream of becoming a doctor! 126 00:07:36,694 --> 00:07:39,514 Everyone's abstinence experiments backfired perfectly— 127 00:07:40,454 --> 00:07:43,114 George's intelligence destroyed itself through calculation, 128 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,494 Elaine's sacrifice enabled her dumping, 129 00:07:46,294 --> 00:07:48,954 Jerry's Career Day destroyed his actual career! 130 00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:55,534 Jerry's pattern-identification-without-power extends to abstinence effects— 131 00:07:56,014 --> 00:08:05,074 correctly diagnosing George's one-olive brain and Elaine's garbage-strike reversal but unable to prevent his own Career Day cascade. 132 00:08:06,134 --> 00:08:15,034 George's intelligence-self-sabotage where his enhanced brain calculated the exact mathematical justification for abandoning genius. 133 00:08:16,034 --> 00:08:17,714 And the dream of becoming a doctor— 134 00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:24,814 Ben's brutal honesty that the prestige is specifically for dumping whoever supported you through medical school.