WEBVTT 00:00:03.680 --> 00:00:09.600 Welcome to Follow Me to the MROP, a podcast dedicated to the journey of the masculine soul. 00:00:08.960 --> 00:00:10.960 and the transformative power of initiation. 00:00:10.960 --> 00:00:12.320 My name is Brian Mueller. 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:17.200 I live in suburban Dayton, Ohio, and I made my rites at Pilgrim Park in Illinois in twenty fourteen. 00:00:17.200 --> 00:00:21.600 I'm your host, and in each episode of our show I'll sit down with one man who has made his rites 00:00:21.560 --> 00:00:23.320 and I'll invite him to tell his story. 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:32.920 This won't be an abstract explanation or a theological lecture, just a real conversation about what it was like to cross that threshold at the rites and what changed afterwards. 00:00:32.360 --> 00:00:41.000 This podcast is truly a labor of love, inspired by my own transformative experience at the men's rites of passage and my ongoing commitment to the men of the Illuman Community. 00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:42.520 If this show resonates with you 00:00:42.500 --> 00:00:47.460 Please take a moment to rate, review, and share it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. 00:00:47.460 --> 00:00:50.260 You can find all of those links at M-R-O-P Talk dot 00:00:50.420 --> 00:00:51.460 com. 00:00:50.700 --> 00:00:54.540 To support my work, you can explore my published poetry volumes at Brian Mueller dot 00:00:54.620 --> 00:00:55.020 com. 00:00:55.020 --> 00:00:59.340 I also work closely with Men and Illuman to share and teach the practice of presence. 00:00:59.340 --> 00:01:01.980 You can learn more about that at choosing presence dot 00:01:02.220 --> 00:01:03.180 org. 00:01:02.760 --> 00:01:06.920 Before we go any further, I want you to know that this is an encore episode. 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:15.720 The week of August 10th I'll be in Illinois at the men's rites of passage, standing with the men who are crossing that threshold this year, and I'll be away through the seventeenth. 00:01:14.939 --> 00:01:24.299 Rather than let the feet go quiet, I wanted to bring back two conversations that mean a great deal to me, and both of them are with men who are giving themselves to these very rites. 00:01:23.560 --> 00:01:27.560 Today you'll hear Episode 4, my conversation with Bob Colaresi. 00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:33.080 Bob is the founder emeritus of these rites, and this year he serves as the Weaver for the Returning Initiated Men. 00:01:33.080 --> 00:01:36.840 Last Monday I re-released Episode 1 with Chester Trocha. 00:01:36.240 --> 00:01:41.520 the very first man to sit down with me on this show, and the MROP coordinator for the Illinois rites this year. 00:01:41.520 --> 00:01:45.920 If you missed that one, go back a week in the feed and give it a listen. 00:01:45.060 --> 00:01:48.020 These two men are dear to me, and I respect them deeply. 00:01:48.020 --> 00:01:53.860 Each of them has given themself, over many years, to walking alongside other men on the spiritual journey. 00:01:53.060 --> 00:01:55.300 and to building real community within Illuman. 00:01:55.300 --> 00:01:57.940 If you heard these conversations before, list again. 00:01:57.940 --> 00:02:00.180 I think you'll hear something you missed the first time. 00:02:00.180 --> 00:02:03.460 And if they're new to you, you're in for a gift. 00:02:02.600 --> 00:02:06.759 New episodes return on Monday, august twenty fourth, and there is good work ahead. 00:02:06.759 --> 00:02:11.880 Conversations coming with Joe Grilliot from Ohio, Matthew Burch from Oklahoma. 00:02:11.160 --> 00:02:13.320 and Byron Macmillan from New Mexico. 00:02:13.320 --> 00:02:23.800 Now the Men's Rites of Passage, or MROP, is an experience designed to help men move from the first half of life into the second, shifting from a focus on ego and achievement to a life of meaning and soul. 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:27.560 On this show, we don't just talk about the rites in theory, we talk to the men who have walked the path. 00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:32.920 Today I'm joined by a man who's made his rites, and we're going to hear exactly what that journey looked like for him. 00:02:39.600 --> 00:02:41.920 My guest today is Bob Colaresi. 00:02:41.920 --> 00:02:43.280 Brother, I'm really glad you're here. 00:02:43.280 --> 00:02:46.320 Thanks for making the time and for being willing to share your story. 00:02:46.320 --> 00:02:48.560 I'm honored that you want to hear me. 00:02:48.060 --> 00:02:51.019 Bob, tell us where you're from and how you spend your time these days. 00:02:51.340 --> 00:02:52.939 Well, I'm a native of Connecticut. 00:02:52.939 --> 00:02:57.819 I grew up in Connecticut Yankee and in a very Italian community. 00:02:57.740 --> 00:02:59.020 Italian ghetto. 00:02:59.020 --> 00:03:03.900 And then I joined the Carmelites and I've been a Carmelite priest for fifty-eight years. 00:03:03.900 --> 00:03:07.980 And I've, you know, been a Carmelite for about sixty-six years. 00:03:07.400 --> 00:03:12.280 So joined religious life and it's been an interesting life and I've done a lot of things you know in my life. 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:17.640 I did a lot of education and been a lot of development and stuff and retreat work. 00:03:17.640 --> 00:03:19.560 So that's kind of what I do. 00:03:19.420 --> 00:03:23.420 mostly, you know, in different parts of my life, you know, that I've been challenged. 00:03:23.420 --> 00:03:27.180 And Carmelites had a way of tapping into some of my organizational skills. 00:03:27.180 --> 00:03:33.180 And I ended up being the administrator of a lot of things as I look back on life. 00:03:32.640 --> 00:03:34.480 And it's hard to let go of it these days. 00:03:34.799 --> 00:03:37.760 Well, I also know you've been really involved with the men's work of Illuman. 00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:38.640 Very much so. 00:03:38.640 --> 00:03:40.239 It's been one of the joys of my life. 00:03:40.239 --> 00:03:42.959 I wish I had done it all earlier. 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:45.920 But uh yeah, no, it uh Lumen has been a real blessing in my life. 00:03:45.920 --> 00:03:50.960 I've lived with the male communities, but sometimes uh we don't always share well. 00:03:50.440 --> 00:03:59.959 And I think place where a lot of the my good friends and people I've trusted more have been my Illuman brothers, you know, here, especially in Illinois, but even around the world, because somehow we 00:04:00.320 --> 00:04:07.360 We know that life's more than sports and overeating today and, you know, and the politics and stuff. 00:04:07.600 --> 00:04:08.080 Well, great. 00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:08.400 Thank you. 00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:11.600 Let's go ahead and dive in and talk about the men's rites of passage. 00:04:11.600 --> 00:04:13.680 The MROP is a unique experience. 00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:15.200 It's not a retreat or a workshop. 00:04:15.200 --> 00:04:16.880 It's an initiation. 00:04:16.379 --> 00:04:21.019 Many men arrive at the rites at a crossroads in their lives looking for something they can't quite name. 00:04:21.019 --> 00:04:24.780 Before we dive into the why and the how, let's start at the very beginning. 00:04:24.780 --> 00:04:28.139 Bob, where and when did you make your rites? 00:04:27.740 --> 00:04:33.020 Well, I made my rites in August, the first week of August 2005. 00:04:33.740 --> 00:04:35.260 I had heard of Richard Rohr. 00:04:35.260 --> 00:04:37.740 I mean, I do a lot of talks and I work at Retreat House. 00:04:38.139 --> 00:04:49.740 I had heard of him for a long time and you know, and I've heard about the men's rites and I didn't get real excited for a while, you know, but I was doing more of his biblical stuff, but he was really speaking to something in me. 00:04:49.740 --> 00:04:52.620 And but then I did finally decide to go. 00:04:52.780 --> 00:04:59.580 Although it was f funny as we were planning and I wanted someone else to go and there was a guy I was working with and he was interested, so we were gonna go. 00:04:59.580 --> 00:05:02.539 But I made the mistake this is a funny thing about me. 00:05:02.539 --> 00:05:05.979 I made the mis I read Adam's Return and you know what? 00:05:05.979 --> 00:05:07.259 That got me nervous. 00:05:07.320 --> 00:05:08.600 Because I said, you know what? 00:05:08.600 --> 00:05:13.640 I'm going to be somehow up there in Minnesota being eaten alive by mosquitoes. 00:05:13.640 --> 00:05:15.320 You know, that was really hit me. 00:05:15.320 --> 00:05:17.240 And they almost backed out. 00:05:17.540 --> 00:05:18.500 It was really funny. 00:05:18.500 --> 00:05:20.500 But I had a wonderful spiritual director. 00:05:20.500 --> 00:05:23.860 She was a woman that's been really was a real big part of my life. 00:05:23.860 --> 00:05:27.300 And what happened was and she had encouraged me, but she I didn't do it for her. 00:05:27.740 --> 00:05:33.980 But she was very happy when I told her I was doing it, 'cause she was aware of Richard Rohr and the more mystical approach to religion. 00:05:34.300 --> 00:05:35.820 And what was really funny. 00:05:35.820 --> 00:05:38.700 Well, so I had pretty well decided not to go. 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:40.039 About two months before, I said, What the hell? 00:05:40.039 --> 00:05:43.159 I can, you know, see if I get my money back. 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:45.560 Well, she arrives with a beautiful 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:49.960 drum o with uh whatever animal skin it was. 00:05:50.280 --> 00:05:54.840 She had spent five weeks making this drum and I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't using it. 00:05:54.840 --> 00:05:56.360 It wasn't going. 00:05:55.940 --> 00:05:57.060 Well, that got me first there. 00:05:57.060 --> 00:05:58.580 And of course, then the same thing was. 00:05:58.580 --> 00:06:00.580 And then, well, I can't look there. 00:06:00.580 --> 00:06:03.220 But then if I had to go, and then it wasn't going to fit in my bag. 00:06:03.220 --> 00:06:04.580 You know, you don't bring a lot of stuff. 00:06:04.580 --> 00:06:06.100 And I said, She'll never know. 00:06:06.180 --> 00:06:07.220 And I said, Oh, she'll know. 00:06:07.380 --> 00:06:08.820 So I took it. 00:06:08.620 --> 00:06:09.819 Well, it blew me away. 00:06:09.819 --> 00:06:10.379 I'll tell you. 00:06:10.379 --> 00:06:12.220 I was glad it was in Minnesota. 00:06:12.460 --> 00:06:14.220 There were 80 of us guys there. 00:06:14.220 --> 00:06:20.460 And the drumming that first day just got you know, it gets the rhythm inside you. 00:06:19.940 --> 00:06:22.340 There was something going on there, just the drumming. 00:06:22.340 --> 00:06:25.140 And I didn't wasn't a big drummer kind of thing. 00:06:25.140 --> 00:06:28.580 And I even asked some one of our drummers in our parish. 00:06:28.580 --> 00:06:30.580 I said, What's this drumming about? 00:06:30.260 --> 00:06:33.220 And he said, Oh, it's about you just getting inside yourself. 00:06:33.300 --> 00:06:34.420 And I said, What does that mean? 00:06:34.500 --> 00:06:34.900 You know. 00:06:34.900 --> 00:06:37.380 But anyway, but it worked and it was really incredible. 00:06:37.380 --> 00:06:39.060 But it also was very threatening. 00:06:39.060 --> 00:06:40.660 I was just going to say this 00:06:40.740 --> 00:06:47.940 I'll tell you after I said after a day and a half, they were sending me into areas that I didn't want to look at in my life. 00:06:48.260 --> 00:06:49.460 It's the reason I went. 00:06:49.460 --> 00:06:52.100 And I'll tell you the reason I went because when they asked you, What are you about 00:06:52.740 --> 00:06:53.700 It dawned on me. 00:06:53.700 --> 00:06:55.300 I've been s I've been very successful. 00:06:55.300 --> 00:06:58.980 The Carmelites have put me in places and I made things work. 00:06:58.980 --> 00:07:00.740 I'm an Enneagram three and I 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:06.319 I'm a doer, I get things done, and I want them to look right. 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:09.039 That doesn't mean they're always correct, but I make them look good. 00:07:09.039 --> 00:07:11.280 You know, and so that was all part of it. 00:07:11.280 --> 00:07:11.840 But you know what? 00:07:11.840 --> 00:07:13.919 The point was at that point in my life 00:07:14.220 --> 00:07:19.900 I was getting into my 50s and I just there was something empty inside. 00:07:19.900 --> 00:07:21.979 Everybody said, well, you got a golden everything. 00:07:21.979 --> 00:07:28.620 And I said, but down deep, and one of a few of my friends and my spirit director, I felt empty. 00:07:28.139 --> 00:07:31.259 There was something restlessly empty inside. 00:07:31.259 --> 00:07:34.300 And so that's what kind of drew me to the whole thing. 00:07:34.300 --> 00:07:36.540 And then, even though I was panicking, because I didn't really 00:07:36.940 --> 00:07:39.900 I wanted to know what was causing it, but I didn't. 00:07:40.700 --> 00:07:43.020 I thought it would just go away if I just worked harder. 00:07:43.740 --> 00:07:45.180 It was all about me. 00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:49.560 So that that was kind of one of the issues of this restless emptiness. 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:51.480 And uh but it became 00:07:52.539 --> 00:07:57.340 No, it uh you can ask more questions, but it just became I'm glad I stayed. 00:07:57.340 --> 00:08:00.460 If I had been too close, I would have gotten in the car and come home. 00:08:00.460 --> 00:08:00.860 Right. 00:08:00.860 --> 00:08:04.460 You know, it's it got a little too dangerous. 00:08:03.840 --> 00:08:04.720 But I couldn't. 00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:05.440 And so I did. 00:08:05.440 --> 00:08:07.280 And I'll tell you, it blew me away. 00:08:07.280 --> 00:08:16.400 I mean, I still look at it as one of the one, two or one or two most powerful transformative experiences of my life. 00:08:15.660 --> 00:08:16.700 That's great to hear. 00:08:16.700 --> 00:08:22.220 Now let's go back a little bit to the moment that you kind of arrived in Minnesota for the Writes. 00:08:22.220 --> 00:08:27.660 What was the first thing that comes to your mind when you as you entered the Writes? 00:08:27.060 --> 00:08:27.620 I don't know. 00:08:27.620 --> 00:08:36.820 Well, uh, suddenly we were in this little cabin up there, and oh my god, I'm sleeping in a room with a bunch of other guys, you know, and I haven't done that for a long time. 00:08:36.339 --> 00:08:40.019 you know, and uh it it really hit me and the woods looked good. 00:08:40.019 --> 00:08:46.660 I mean, I always of life life nature, but there was something about what did I get into and I was sitting there and uh 00:08:47.420 --> 00:08:50.620 So it just, I don't know what it was, but it was a certain fear. 00:08:50.620 --> 00:09:00.540 Like I told you, probably by the second day, I might have just gotten in a car and disappeared without telling anybody, you know, because somehow I knew. 00:09:00.360 --> 00:09:04.040 It was doing probably what I was looking for, but didn't want to go there. 00:09:04.040 --> 00:09:08.120 You know, that kind of, that's something I wrestle with in my own self. 00:09:08.220 --> 00:09:09.980 So that's what it was. 00:09:10.220 --> 00:09:11.420 But it seemed good. 00:09:11.420 --> 00:09:16.780 And we had that first mic, and we were going around and I was really impressed with the guys were saying. 00:09:16.780 --> 00:09:20.700 I said, well, okay, they're all safe, seem like safe people. 00:09:20.700 --> 00:09:25.339 and good people, but you know so it it they invited me into it. 00:09:25.339 --> 00:09:27.580 I will will say that, you know, it's great. 00:09:27.660 --> 00:09:31.420 Even though it was a guy above me in the bunk and he was almost falling through on me at the time. 00:09:31.420 --> 00:09:34.700 And I'm going, what you, what are we doing in bunks out here? 00:09:34.839 --> 00:09:36.279 Can we find a hotel? 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:40.440 You've already said there was maybe about 80 guys at your rites. 00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:41.319 Who was the Weaver? 00:09:41.319 --> 00:09:43.079 The Weaver was Richard Rohr. 00:09:43.079 --> 00:09:44.040 Richard was still on. 00:09:44.199 --> 00:09:48.199 Steve Picha was the elder, you know, the ritual elder. 00:09:48.199 --> 00:09:48.440 And 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:49.800 It was great to me, right? 00:09:50.120 --> 00:09:55.079 Heard Richard before, and it was great to be with them, and it was just some wonderful stuff. 00:09:55.319 --> 00:09:59.319 There's a lot of things I could talk about, but you know, those rituals had a way of 00:09:59.540 --> 00:10:02.019 grabbing your heart and grabbing your attention. 00:10:02.019 --> 00:10:07.940 They were something they still are, even when I when I worked on them so many other times before. 00:10:07.459 --> 00:10:13.540 There's still something that those opening rituals and right that first day and a half, that's probably what mesmerized me the most. 00:10:13.540 --> 00:10:16.260 Like, it wasn't the talks, but it was just that 00:10:16.339 --> 00:10:18.579 And Richard was all over the place in those days. 00:10:18.579 --> 00:10:21.620 I mean, he wasn't consistent, but I knew that part of him, you know. 00:10:21.860 --> 00:10:22.339 Yeah. 00:10:22.339 --> 00:10:22.579 Yeah. 00:10:22.579 --> 00:10:30.899 So, was there a particular ritual or a particular moment without getting anything that's too confidential or personal, but was there something in particular that really stood out to you during the 00:10:31.259 --> 00:10:31.660 rites. 00:10:32.300 --> 00:10:39.019 They all grabbed me, but probably there is one day of a grief ritual that kind of grabbed me more than any other time. 00:10:39.019 --> 00:10:45.500 And in the middle of it, because we were, you know, if you spend time in nature and some of the things they were doing. 00:10:45.440 --> 00:10:53.680 I really got in touch with myself of what was going on in me because I was really looking for this empty restlessness inside me. 00:10:53.680 --> 00:10:54.800 What's going on here? 00:10:54.800 --> 00:10:58.000 I mean, I could count, you know, so many things. 00:10:57.740 --> 00:10:59.420 But it wasn't filling me. 00:10:59.660 --> 00:11:04.220 But the grief ritual, and I'll tell you what really happened to me there without revealing a lot of everything. 00:11:04.220 --> 00:11:10.060 But in the middle of it, we were invited, if you want, in our small group or the big group to say something, what was your mind? 00:11:10.140 --> 00:11:11.260 And I said, 00:11:11.040 --> 00:11:12.240 Inadequate son. 00:11:12.240 --> 00:11:13.040 What were you grieving? 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:14.080 Inadequate son. 00:11:14.320 --> 00:11:16.480 And I s put my hand over my mouth. 00:11:16.560 --> 00:11:17.920 I said, I'm not inadequate. 00:11:17.920 --> 00:11:19.839 I'm the most competent man in the world 00:11:20.040 --> 00:11:21.240 But see, it came out. 00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:22.040 It just came out. 00:11:22.040 --> 00:11:23.160 Once it was there. 00:11:23.160 --> 00:11:27.480 And so when we had that day alone in the woods, it was incredible. 00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:30.360 And two things happened, I just want to say. 00:11:30.140 --> 00:11:38.620 One is we were lining up to go out there for the day we had been fasting for, you know, about a day before, and somebody came out and there were two of us. 00:11:38.620 --> 00:11:40.460 I blame blame, don't be there. 00:11:40.160 --> 00:11:42.160 He said, come here, and they pulled us out of line. 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:43.600 I'm thinking, What did I do wrong? 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:48.320 You know, and well, the guy said, hey, you're you're the diabetics, I don't want I want so. 00:11:48.400 --> 00:11:49.040 Come here. 00:11:49.280 --> 00:11:51.200 He took me to the kitchen. 00:11:50.740 --> 00:11:53.300 And he gave me an apple and a peanut butter sandwich. 00:11:53.380 --> 00:11:57.860 He said, I don't want something to happen to you out there, you know, 'cause the long hours are going to be out there. 00:11:57.860 --> 00:11:59.220 Well, then I looked and I said, God 00:11:59.839 --> 00:12:03.199 Three years ago today, I buried my father. 00:12:03.199 --> 00:12:03.839 He had died. 00:12:03.839 --> 00:12:05.519 That was his funeral, August 5th. 00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:06.560 I'll never forget it. 00:12:06.560 --> 00:12:07.680 Well, that triggered something. 00:12:07.680 --> 00:12:13.440 I mean, my dad was in the middle of it, but that triggered me off on what became probably the most significant thing was 00:12:13.920 --> 00:12:16.160 That and I just want to talk about. 00:12:16.160 --> 00:12:23.759 But when I went out there and we had some things to read and stuff, but I just wanted to be there in that confined space out in the woods, and it was incredible. 00:12:23.759 --> 00:12:26.079 I love being out there. 00:12:25.459 --> 00:12:28.260 And I was hanging from trees playing Tarzan sometimes. 00:12:28.260 --> 00:12:33.300 You can't leave the you know, the six feet thing, and watching who came and the animals and stuff. 00:12:33.300 --> 00:12:34.580 It was just incredible. 00:12:34.959 --> 00:12:43.760 But at one point, what really surfaced as I was kind of hanging there thinking I was Tarzan, you know, was, Dad, was I ever good enough? 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:48.160 And what really happened to me was, and suddenly my dad smiled. 00:12:48.160 --> 00:12:49.280 I mean, I was very aware. 00:12:49.280 --> 00:12:52.160 The funeral, and his funeral and his death 00:12:52.040 --> 00:12:55.160 And then what happened to me was I remembered something I'd forgotten. 00:12:55.160 --> 00:13:00.519 Three years about three years before that, he had had a stroke and I was went back to Connecticut several times. 00:13:00.519 --> 00:13:04.600 But the last time I went to see him, because my dad, I'm going to say this. 00:13:04.060 --> 00:13:05.900 My dad had a sixth-grade education. 00:13:05.900 --> 00:13:07.500 They were Italian immigrants. 00:13:07.980 --> 00:13:14.940 He could fix anything, but he was passed over at the job because he in the 50s, you know, he ran this company. 00:13:15.180 --> 00:13:17.340 He was with Stanley Works, and he was. 00:13:17.240 --> 00:13:23.160 He was very, very good and he ran this whole area about 200 men and then they were going to make a superintendency out of it. 00:13:23.160 --> 00:13:28.680 And everybody thought he was going to get it, but he didn't get it because at that time the companies were professionally. 00:13:28.680 --> 00:13:29.960 He had to have a BS degree. 00:13:29.960 --> 00:13:31.400 He was passed over. 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:37.480 And and what he did what the result was me, I'm the oldest boy of the family, I'm the second child, but oldest boy. 00:13:37.800 --> 00:13:41.560 So he suddenly realized education is everything in this country. 00:13:41.040 --> 00:13:46.800 So he'd always say to me, when I came home with four A's and a B, and I was a good student, he'd all he ever said was, Why'd you get a B? 00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:50.720 And he said it often enough that I began to because I trusted my dad. 00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:53.600 He was the one training me in how to be a man. 00:13:53.240 --> 00:13:56.680 And he was a wonderful, kind guy, but I wasn't good enough. 00:13:56.680 --> 00:14:01.320 And so I really the this the the false self that I developed over the years was 00:14:01.540 --> 00:14:02.899 That I was inadequate. 00:14:02.899 --> 00:14:04.420 I was never good enough. 00:14:04.420 --> 00:14:05.779 And I kept trying harder. 00:14:05.779 --> 00:14:07.220 Well, that makes me messianic. 00:14:07.220 --> 00:14:09.700 My personality is, well, I'll prove to you 00:14:09.839 --> 00:14:15.440 Everybody became a project to fix or improve, or you know, that's why I was so good at administration. 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.560 I was getting things done, I could mobilize people. 00:14:18.500 --> 00:14:19.779 But and so Sedley was there. 00:14:19.779 --> 00:14:24.420 But the last thing what happened was the last day of Psalm before I 'cause when I left I was leaving. 00:14:24.420 --> 00:14:26.180 I had been there for a couple of days 00:14:26.140 --> 00:14:35.660 I went and I'd he was always either sitting or talking, but I went to his room 'cause I was going back to Darien and I just said, Dad, I was talking and suddenly he wasn't in the room. 00:14:35.740 --> 00:14:36.620 So I said, Where is he? 00:14:36.780 --> 00:14:38.380 So always probably in the community room. 00:14:38.380 --> 00:14:39.660 You know your dad. 00:14:39.240 --> 00:14:42.840 So I go in there and he's in a wheelchair with all these people around. 00:14:42.840 --> 00:14:46.120 And this nurse comes up and she says, sir, only family in here. 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:48.680 And I said, My Bob, I'm Quinto's oldest son. 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:50.120 Oh, she said, well, I haven't been here. 00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:50.680 You're okay 00:14:51.779 --> 00:14:56.339 And he looked up from that chair and he said, That's Father Bob, my son. 00:14:56.420 --> 00:14:57.540 He screamed. 00:14:57.540 --> 00:14:58.500 Well, you know what? 00:14:58.500 --> 00:15:02.019 Typical me being poor, I said, God, I'm so much like my dad. 00:15:02.019 --> 00:15:04.100 Am I going to end up in a wheelchair? 00:15:03.740 --> 00:15:05.180 Which is what's happening now. 00:15:05.580 --> 00:15:06.620 That's a different thing. 00:15:06.620 --> 00:15:13.100 But you know, but I walked away, driving to the airport, I'm thinking, God, am I going to end up in a wheelchair? 00:15:12.540 --> 00:15:18.060 Well, I forgot it, but I'm sitting there hanging from the stand where I've, and I remembered what he said. 00:15:18.060 --> 00:15:20.940 He called the whole damn world. 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:23.520 That's what I said with the biggest smile ever. 00:15:23.520 --> 00:15:25.520 What I've been li waiting for all my life. 00:15:25.520 --> 00:15:27.760 I mean, he wasn't the kind that said, I love you and that stuff. 00:15:27.760 --> 00:15:29.360 He worked his butt off for us. 00:15:29.940 --> 00:15:33.620 He gave himself, emptied himself totally in a lot of ways. 00:15:33.620 --> 00:15:39.300 And so Sunday that and then I, you know, I was s sitting there and I was so overwhelmed. 00:15:38.660 --> 00:15:40.420 It's like heaven smiled. 00:15:40.420 --> 00:15:50.340 And then, you know, the other piece of that, which is so hard, I couldn't talk about it for years because but the universe opened up and I became one with the universe hanging there. 00:15:49.820 --> 00:15:51.660 At that point, I had stripped my clothes down. 00:15:51.660 --> 00:15:54.060 I wanted to be totally naked before God. 00:15:54.060 --> 00:15:55.100 And it was amazing. 00:15:55.100 --> 00:15:56.460 And something ripped through me. 00:15:56.460 --> 00:16:00.060 I don't know whether it happened for five seconds. 00:15:59.520 --> 00:16:01.520 five minutes or five hours. 00:16:01.520 --> 00:16:11.360 But it just poured through me this this false self I've had created and I was living from, making me messianic to get everything done. 00:16:11.040 --> 00:16:15.440 It was all about me, but it was suddenly I was beloved of God. 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:18.800 They just, oh, it was so hard. 00:16:18.740 --> 00:16:20.820 And for years that kept up. 00:16:20.820 --> 00:16:22.340 You know, this part of the hemorrhaging. 00:16:22.340 --> 00:16:30.340 But I had to get over my identity, that what I was living from, what Merton would call the false self, was that I was inadequate. 00:16:29.540 --> 00:16:31.380 And it was the driving force of my life. 00:16:31.380 --> 00:16:33.459 And suddenly, no, I was the beloved. 00:16:33.459 --> 00:16:35.779 I was beloved of God and my dad. 00:16:35.779 --> 00:16:38.180 You know, and it began to I stopped hemorrhaging a bit. 00:16:38.180 --> 00:16:39.380 It didn't totally go away. 00:16:39.380 --> 00:16:42.100 There's still an inadequacy inside me. 00:16:41.200 --> 00:16:44.160 The wrong things to get me, but it was just one of those experiences. 00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:45.280 I'll never forget it. 00:16:45.280 --> 00:16:50.480 Part of it early on in that experience, I don't know how long I was out there, hours. 00:16:50.160 --> 00:16:52.480 And I was hanging there at one point I kid, this is dumb. 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:53.280 This felt dumb. 00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:55.120 It wasn't it was threatening. 00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:58.960 And there was no wind, but this branch came and slapped me across the face. 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:01.120 I'm like, what the hell? 00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:04.720 And about 15 minutes later, it did it again, twice. 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:10.280 So when I went back before I was leaving, I cut a piece of that branch because it was trying to awaken me. 00:17:10.280 --> 00:17:14.439 You know, nature was very active in my experience hanging there. 00:17:14.439 --> 00:17:15.720 And I've never forgotten it. 00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:16.919 And I still go back to it. 00:17:16.919 --> 00:17:17.720 I mean, sometimes 00:17:17.939 --> 00:17:21.380 It was an experience that transformed my life. 00:17:21.380 --> 00:17:27.299 And now I have to watch it that you're not a project that I'm supposed to fix. 00:17:26.919 --> 00:17:32.039 Your brother I'm supposed to know and love and all and I think and I would that's a big thing and it still struggles. 00:17:32.039 --> 00:17:35.640 There's a piece of me inside that messianic thing that's so well known to me 00:17:36.060 --> 00:17:41.100 that I want to turn everybody into an you know an object of what I can do to fix them or improve them. 00:17:41.100 --> 00:17:41.500 Right. 00:17:41.500 --> 00:17:43.820 You know, and so it you know, but that kind of thing. 00:17:43.820 --> 00:17:46.460 And that was that was life changing. 00:17:45.660 --> 00:17:52.300 For me, Bob, it really is exciting for me to hear about your experience and just the wonderful things that happened and that you went through on the rites. 00:17:52.300 --> 00:17:58.300 I want to keep in mind that some of the guys that are going to be listening to this are not going to have any familiarity with the rites. 00:17:58.220 --> 00:18:03.100 And so first I want to say, you know, we're talking a little bit about your experiences at the Writes. 00:18:03.580 --> 00:18:09.420 And just kind of funnily, you know, not everybody's going to be taking off their clothes, but or. 00:18:08.980 --> 00:18:09.540 Swinging from the menu. 00:18:09.620 --> 00:18:10.260 And I didn't know. 00:18:10.260 --> 00:18:11.860 I just, nobody told me to. 00:18:11.860 --> 00:18:12.980 I just had that herd. 00:18:12.980 --> 00:18:13.540 That was me. 00:18:13.540 --> 00:18:15.380 That's me, Bob Colaresi. 00:18:15.380 --> 00:18:18.260 And there is time at the rites that men will be. 00:18:18.940 --> 00:18:20.940 Able to spend some time alone in nature. 00:18:20.940 --> 00:18:22.700 And so that's where some of that comes from. 00:18:22.700 --> 00:18:23.179 Go ahead. 00:18:23.179 --> 00:18:24.779 Well, I was going to say, no, it's huge. 00:18:24.779 --> 00:18:26.380 I think, you know, a couple of things. 00:18:26.380 --> 00:18:30.220 There were the rituals we had, there were those short talks. 00:18:29.760 --> 00:18:32.480 The small group stuff sharing was incredible. 00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:33.840 I was an incredible group. 00:18:33.840 --> 00:18:41.600 But that time in nature out there, there was something, I think I always liked it, but somehow it became more alive to me to go out there. 00:18:41.600 --> 00:18:43.679 Then they teach you how to be. 00:18:43.560 --> 00:18:45.000 Be who you truly are. 00:18:45.000 --> 00:18:48.280 And they were very participant, even the tree slapping me twice. 00:18:48.280 --> 00:18:49.800 I mean, I just couldn't believe it. 00:18:49.800 --> 00:18:54.920 But yeah, no, and I think those were the huge pieces of when I look back that time alone. 00:18:54.440 --> 00:19:03.480 Out there was not just those times, but the other times we went out and quiet and listened to, you know, to what was going on inside me, you know, be still and know that I'm God. 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:07.960 And somehow nature has a way of silencing us. 00:19:08.440 --> 00:19:13.880 Making us open to listen instead of what am I doing to do to fix this or strangely soon. 00:19:13.880 --> 00:19:16.440 I really love the enthusiasm you have for sharing your story. 00:19:16.679 --> 00:19:18.760 I do want to talk a little bit about expectations. 00:19:18.760 --> 00:19:19.080 One 00:19:19.340 --> 00:19:19.900 your own. 00:19:19.900 --> 00:19:30.380 And then other guys, if they're hearing you and having this expectation that they're going to have the same sort of transformative experience that you had, or what would you just say about that, about your expectations? 00:19:30.380 --> 00:19:30.700 And 00:19:30.760 --> 00:19:32.840 advising other on theirs or heading into the rites. 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:35.160 I I didn't know what I was looking for. 00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:39.640 I know why I went, which was this restless emptiness inside me. 00:19:39.640 --> 00:19:43.000 I didn't even name it the inadequacy until it came out of my mouth. 00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:45.240 But somehow through the whole process of 00:19:45.620 --> 00:19:50.580 the guys being there, the drumming, the talks, the rituals, the time in nature. 00:19:50.580 --> 00:19:53.140 That came out of something beyond me. 00:19:53.140 --> 00:19:56.660 It wasn't from me, because I would never say I was in Etika, but I knew it. 00:19:56.660 --> 00:19:59.700 That it became a revelation, an awakening. 00:19:59.240 --> 00:20:03.000 And I'd say anybody, go with no that's why I didn't know what I wanted. 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:05.400 I just knew why I was there. 00:20:05.400 --> 00:20:10.840 And but but it was a revelation to me and to everybody else, you know, that like, wow 00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:20.559 And so I think as go, just trusting just trusting the experience and trusting the people that are there and trusting nature. 00:20:20.559 --> 00:20:23.679 Nature is the first revelation of God. 00:20:23.620 --> 00:20:35.460 And somehow that that God is going to help reveal our truer self if you just learn to be still, our expectations get away and they become a vehicle of disappointment a lot of times. 00:20:35.140 --> 00:20:41.860 Well, it sounds like too you had to trust that initial calling, that initial urge inside you to sign up at the very beginning. 00:20:41.860 --> 00:20:42.980 It did. 00:20:42.620 --> 00:20:48.060 And it was, you know, and it was only, I remember reading something about that, but about this emptiness. 00:20:48.060 --> 00:20:49.260 I had to acknowledge it. 00:20:49.260 --> 00:20:54.140 I had been doing that within therapy and stuff and spiritual direction before, but suddenly. 00:20:53.940 --> 00:20:54.740 It was there. 00:20:54.740 --> 00:20:56.019 I had to acknowledge something. 00:20:56.419 --> 00:21:03.620 Most people would say, there's one of the complex old we said, Bob, you know, the reason we gave you all those jobs, you're too damn proud to fail. 00:21:03.140 --> 00:21:03.940 Thank you. 00:21:03.940 --> 00:21:04.900 Well, it's true. 00:21:05.620 --> 00:21:07.460 And suddenly I had to get through that. 00:21:07.460 --> 00:21:12.100 And so, and that, those five days were incredibly instrumental for me. 00:21:12.100 --> 00:21:14.420 I still think back on them. 00:21:13.660 --> 00:21:22.460 I've even gone back and read my notes at some things I wrote after and I've been journaling ever since then, but it's back to what was happening and but it was an awakening 00:21:22.179 --> 00:21:24.100 To what was already present within me. 00:21:24.100 --> 00:21:32.900 And I've told other people that I know when I was trying to get some of the men at the Paris go, and one of these women, she, well, I don't know, he's going to come back because he went to one of those, you know, whatever thing. 00:21:33.260 --> 00:21:36.220 Thinking, you know, a man's in charge and I said, No, he's going to come back. 00:21:36.220 --> 00:21:37.740 More of the man you love. 00:21:37.740 --> 00:21:40.380 He's going to be more alive into his own truth. 00:21:40.380 --> 00:21:43.660 You know, and later she said, Yeah, why was I afraid? 00:21:43.560 --> 00:21:43.800