WEBVTT 00:00:09.929 --> 00:00:13.210 Welcome to Macabre Miscellanea, a curated collection 00:00:13.210 --> 00:00:17.210 of creepy curiosities. Tonight, we have a practical 00:00:17.210 --> 00:00:20.809 man with a practical problem. Three ghosts in 00:00:20.809 --> 00:00:25.769 his house. A man, a woman, a little girl. None 00:00:25.769 --> 00:00:29.570 pay rent. They keep moving his things, drink 00:00:29.570 --> 00:00:33.070 his beer. There are worse roommates, but there 00:00:33.070 --> 00:00:35.609 also happens to be fates worse than haunting. 00:00:36.590 --> 00:00:39.479 I'll leave it to you. to decide which side of 00:00:39.479 --> 00:00:42.920 that equation applies here. Tonight's tale, ghost 00:00:42.920 --> 00:00:48.719 story. Turn down the lights. Let's begin. Hi, 00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:52.899 my name's Flint, and my house is haunted. I know 00:00:52.899 --> 00:00:56.600 how that sounds. I'm not one of those guys. I 00:00:56.600 --> 00:00:59.939 don't burn sage or talk to crystals or watch 00:00:59.939 --> 00:01:03.270 those shows where some idiot with a... Thermal 00:01:03.270 --> 00:01:06.790 camera creeps through a dark hallway and acts 00:01:06.790 --> 00:01:09.829 surprised when the thermal camera picks something 00:01:09.829 --> 00:01:13.790 up. I'm a practical man. I fix things when they 00:01:13.790 --> 00:01:17.450 break. I have a label maker. But I've got three 00:01:17.450 --> 00:01:21.370 ghosts, and I've counted them more than once. 00:01:21.769 --> 00:01:25.709 And three is what I keep coming up with. I've 00:01:25.709 --> 00:01:29.129 never told anybody about this before, mainly 00:01:29.129 --> 00:01:32.629 because I don't got anyone to tell. I live a 00:01:32.629 --> 00:01:35.530 solitary life, if you can even call it a life. 00:01:36.250 --> 00:01:41.349 Don't get out much, just home and work. I sit 00:01:41.349 --> 00:01:44.450 in front of a computer all day and in front of 00:01:44.450 --> 00:01:47.549 my TV at night, and that's pretty much the whole 00:01:47.549 --> 00:01:50.870 of it. Same thing every day. I'm so entrenched 00:01:50.870 --> 00:01:53.750 in my routine, I don't think even dying could 00:01:53.750 --> 00:01:57.790 interrupt it. I don't got friends to tell, and 00:01:57.790 --> 00:02:01.209 I'm not one of those guys who needs to... cry 00:02:01.209 --> 00:02:04.489 about his feelings on a podcast or whatever, 00:02:04.650 --> 00:02:08.050 but I feel like I need to tell somebody before 00:02:08.050 --> 00:02:12.469 I go completely nuts. A guy could lose his mind 00:02:12.469 --> 00:02:17.569 living in my place. Don't get me wrong. I'm completely 00:02:17.569 --> 00:02:21.969 stable. No dogs giving me instructions or anything 00:02:21.969 --> 00:02:25.930 like that. I just need to get this out. Maybe 00:02:25.930 --> 00:02:31.180 I should just move. But who am I kidding? I should 00:02:31.180 --> 00:02:34.340 tell you about the job first because it's relevant. 00:02:35.219 --> 00:02:40.120 I work in data processing, have for a long time, 00:02:40.219 --> 00:02:43.479 long enough that I've stopped counting, which 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:47.240 is probably its own kind of warning sign. I sit 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:51.300 in my cubicle, stare at my screen, don't talk 00:02:51.300 --> 00:02:53.819 to my co -workers, and they don't talk to me, 00:02:53.939 --> 00:02:57.530 and at the end of the day I go home. I like it 00:02:57.530 --> 00:03:01.250 that way. You stay under the radar. Nobody asks 00:03:01.250 --> 00:03:05.729 you to do things. The days blur together, even 00:03:05.729 --> 00:03:09.330 before any of this. One Tuesday is pretty much 00:03:09.330 --> 00:03:11.930 every Tuesday, and that stopped bothering me 00:03:11.930 --> 00:03:16.009 sometime around year four. It's like being invisible, 00:03:16.189 --> 00:03:19.889 but on purpose. I get home right after sunset, 00:03:20.150 --> 00:03:24.669 same as always. Up before dawn, home after dark. 00:03:24.969 --> 00:03:27.889 I can't remember the last time I saw a natural 00:03:27.889 --> 00:03:31.530 light through my own windows on a day I wasn't 00:03:31.530 --> 00:03:34.590 at work. Between the commute and the cubicle 00:03:34.590 --> 00:03:40.150 and the TV, it's all just inside. One long inside. 00:03:40.990 --> 00:03:43.909 It's really killing me, if I'm being honest. 00:03:44.569 --> 00:03:50.909 But a guy's got to make a living. So, the ghosts. 00:03:51.789 --> 00:03:54.969 There's a family of them. which I did not see 00:03:54.969 --> 00:03:58.629 coming. A man, a woman, and their little girl. 00:03:58.729 --> 00:04:02.449 They don't interact with me, and mostly don't 00:04:02.449 --> 00:04:05.629 interact with each other, which honestly describes 00:04:05.629 --> 00:04:09.069 most families I've met. So maybe that part's 00:04:09.069 --> 00:04:12.289 not so supernatural. The man I've got no name 00:04:12.289 --> 00:04:16.610 for yet. He's younger than I expected. Late. 00:04:16.779 --> 00:04:20.060 thirties, which, if you're going to haunt somebody's 00:04:20.060 --> 00:04:23.639 couch for eternity, seems like a real waste of 00:04:23.639 --> 00:04:27.100 an eternity. He's got the build of a guy who 00:04:27.100 --> 00:04:30.259 was athletic once and then discovered couches, 00:04:30.439 --> 00:04:34.300 parks himself on mine every night, takes the 00:04:34.300 --> 00:04:38.800 remote, watches whatever's on. I come home and 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:42.920 he's already there, settled in like he paid for 00:04:42.920 --> 00:04:45.800 the place, flipping channels like he's looking 00:04:45.800 --> 00:04:48.399 for Something he knows he's not going to find. 00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:52.740 I have a system with the remote. I keep it next 00:04:52.740 --> 00:04:55.819 to my easy chair where I can reach it without 00:04:55.819 --> 00:04:59.160 moving, which is the whole point of a remote 00:04:59.160 --> 00:05:03.759 control. But every night I get home and it's 00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:07.300 on the couch next to him. Every single night. 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:12.980 I've started hiding it. He finds it anyway. The 00:05:12.980 --> 00:05:16.040 little girl I usually find asleep on the couch. 00:05:16.720 --> 00:05:20.439 Eight or nine. Blonde hair, the kind of face 00:05:20.439 --> 00:05:23.540 you'd put on a greeting card. Little pajamas 00:05:23.540 --> 00:05:27.120 with the feet in them. She shows up after he 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:30.220 does. Falls asleep at the other end of the couch, 00:05:30.259 --> 00:05:34.639 and that's her whole evening. Honestly, out of 00:05:34.639 --> 00:05:37.800 the three of them, she's the least aggravating. 00:05:38.579 --> 00:05:43.620 She's quiet. She sleeps. I could use more roommates 00:05:43.620 --> 00:05:47.779 like that. The woman I'll get to. The woman is 00:05:47.779 --> 00:05:51.740 a whole other situation. Three ghosts, all of 00:05:51.740 --> 00:05:55.620 them convinced they live here. None of them paying 00:05:55.620 --> 00:05:59.500 a dime toward the mortgage. Welcome to my house. 00:05:59.779 --> 00:06:04.439 The first real incident was a Tuesday, I think. 00:06:04.540 --> 00:06:07.819 Like I said, they blur. I got home the usual 00:06:07.819 --> 00:06:11.519 time. Right after sunset, dead on my feet the 00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:15.000 way I always am. Dropped my keys on the hook 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:18.959 by the door. I'm particular about my keys. I 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:22.500 like them on the hook, not on the counter. Not 00:06:22.500 --> 00:06:26.199 in my pocket. On the hook. And went straight 00:06:26.199 --> 00:06:30.480 to the fridge for a beer. No beer. I could have 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:33.959 sworn I had a six -pack in there. But the fridge 00:06:33.959 --> 00:06:37.079 had a Coke, some leftover something I... couldn't 00:06:37.079 --> 00:06:40.959 identify and a general attitude of disappointment. 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:46.540 I took the coke. Fine. I've had worse Tuesdays. 00:06:46.699 --> 00:06:49.639 I went into the living room to catch the news 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:54.980 and the TV was already on. Channel 11. Some home 00:06:54.980 --> 00:06:58.399 improvement show. A guy in Arizona explaining 00:06:58.399 --> 00:07:02.720 why you'd want travertine over ceramic in a high 00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:05.870 -traffic kitchen. I don't have a high -traffic 00:07:05.870 --> 00:07:09.629 kitchen. I don't really have a kitchen. I have 00:07:09.629 --> 00:07:12.470 a room with a fridge in it that I pass through 00:07:12.470 --> 00:07:16.029 on the way to the couch. I know I didn't turn 00:07:16.029 --> 00:07:19.930 it on. I'm not that far gone. I switched to 6 00:07:19.930 --> 00:07:24.490 for the news and sat down in my easy chair. Before 00:07:24.490 --> 00:07:27.850 my second cheek hit the cushion, it flipped back 00:07:27.850 --> 00:07:33.980 to 11. I switched it back to 6. Back to 11. I 00:07:33.980 --> 00:07:36.959 figured the remote was acting up. I just bought 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:39.939 the thing, which is exactly when electronics 00:07:39.939 --> 00:07:44.079 decide to develop a personality. So I got up 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:47.600 to change it manually. I'm standing there at 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:51.459 the TV, finger on the button, 6 o 'clock, when 00:07:51.459 --> 00:07:55.199 I hear from behind me, What the hell? I turned 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:59.779 around. There's a man on my couch. Late 30s. 00:08:00.060 --> 00:08:03.560 maybe 40, the build of a former athlete who has 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:07.019 made his peace with the couch. Sitting up now, 00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:10.800 holding my remote, looking at me with an expression 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:14.240 like I'm the one who doesn't belong here. My 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:18.360 first thought was vagrant. Some guy found an 00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:21.120 unlocked door and helped himself to my living 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:25.560 room and my beer and my remote control. And now 00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:29.759 he's looking at me like I'm the problem. I said, 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.279 loudly, what the hell are you doing in my house? 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:37.240 He pointed the remote at me and flipped it back 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:40.700 to 11. I want you to understand the nerve of 00:08:40.700 --> 00:08:45.620 that, the sheer breathtaking nerve. Breaks into 00:08:45.620 --> 00:08:49.720 my house, drinks all my beer, takes my remote, 00:08:49.879 --> 00:08:53.740 and when I confront him, he changes the channel 00:08:53.740 --> 00:08:56.700 at me like I'm the one who needs to be managed. 00:08:57.389 --> 00:09:01.590 I grabbed a vase off the end table, not one I 00:09:01.590 --> 00:09:04.330 was attached to, I've never been a vase guy, 00:09:04.409 --> 00:09:07.309 I think it came with the place, and smashed it 00:09:07.309 --> 00:09:09.629 on the floor and told him to get out before I 00:09:09.629 --> 00:09:14.789 called the cops. He bolted, off the couch, out 00:09:14.789 --> 00:09:19.429 the door, gone so fast I barely saw him move. 00:09:20.409 --> 00:09:23.789 I stood there a second, vase pieces on the floor, 00:09:24.029 --> 00:09:28.769 coke in my hand, news on the TV. I remember thinking 00:09:28.769 --> 00:09:31.850 it was strange, a guy like that running so hard 00:09:31.850 --> 00:09:35.450 from a cop threat. But I was tired, and the news 00:09:35.450 --> 00:09:39.909 was on, so I sat down. The news was on for exactly 00:09:39.909 --> 00:09:43.330 four minutes before it switched back to Channel 00:09:43.330 --> 00:09:48.789 11. I went to bed. After the remote incident, 00:09:48.850 --> 00:09:54.049 I figured I had my answer. Vagrant. Case closed. 00:09:54.509 --> 00:09:59.789 Weird night. Moved on. Except the TV kept switching 00:09:59.789 --> 00:10:03.909 to 11. Every night, come home, flip it to 6, 00:10:04.090 --> 00:10:07.850 sit down. Five minutes later, back to the home 00:10:07.850 --> 00:10:10.669 improvement guy and his opinions about tile. 00:10:11.169 --> 00:10:16.309 I bought a new remote. Same thing. I unplugged 00:10:16.309 --> 00:10:19.789 the TV entirely one night and went to bed. And 00:10:19.789 --> 00:10:23.230 when I came back downstairs in the morning, it 00:10:23.230 --> 00:10:28.159 was plugged back in and on channel 11. I stopped 00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:32.100 fighting it. I know more about backsplash tile 00:10:32.100 --> 00:10:36.519 than any man should. A few nights later, I fell 00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:39.440 asleep in my chair. Don't even remember doing 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:43.299 it. One minute, the game was on. Next minute, 00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:47.159 I'm waking up to a living room gone quiet and 00:10:47.159 --> 00:10:50.899 dark, except for the TV doing its late -night 00:10:50.899 --> 00:10:54.360 thing. Infomercials, mostly, except it kept cycling 00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:58.500 back to some documentary. about the 1969 World 00:10:58.500 --> 00:11:02.580 Series, like that's what people want at two in 00:11:02.580 --> 00:11:07.679 the morning. No idea who won. Don't care. I flipped 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:10.899 it off and got up to head to bed. That's when 00:11:10.899 --> 00:11:16.080 I saw her. Little girl, asleep on my couch. Blonde 00:11:16.080 --> 00:11:20.419 hair, face like a Kewpie doll. Little blue pajamas 00:11:20.419 --> 00:11:24.700 with the feet in them. Sound asleep, one arm 00:11:24.700 --> 00:11:27.720 hanging off the cushion. I've heard of leaving 00:11:27.720 --> 00:11:31.360 babies on doorsteps. I have not heard of leaving 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:35.019 a sleeping child on a stranger's couch while 00:11:35.019 --> 00:11:38.139 the stranger is sitting four feet away watching 00:11:38.139 --> 00:11:42.320 the same TV. I crouched down next to the couch, 00:11:42.440 --> 00:11:45.980 close enough to see she was breathing, and tried 00:11:45.980 --> 00:11:49.980 to figure out my next move. She must have felt 00:11:49.980 --> 00:11:53.279 me there because her eyes opened, still half 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:57.440 asleep, blinking slow. the way kids do when they're 00:11:57.440 --> 00:12:01.759 not quite back in their bodies yet. She sat up, 00:12:01.820 --> 00:12:05.259 rubbed her eyes with both fists, swung her little 00:12:05.259 --> 00:12:09.500 legs off the couch, like she knew exactly where 00:12:09.500 --> 00:12:14.299 she was going. I got down to her level. Hey, 00:12:14.320 --> 00:12:18.620 pumpkin, you okay? Where'd you come from? She 00:12:18.620 --> 00:12:22.919 didn't even look at me, just stood up and... 00:12:23.120 --> 00:12:26.840 started walking, still mostly asleep, heading 00:12:26.840 --> 00:12:30.580 for the doorway where I was crouched. I figured 00:12:30.580 --> 00:12:33.059 she was going to walk into me, so I stayed put, 00:12:33.259 --> 00:12:36.320 thinking the contact would wake her up enough 00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:40.259 to tell me something useful, like whose kid she 00:12:40.259 --> 00:12:44.580 was and how she got into my house. She walked 00:12:44.580 --> 00:12:50.200 through me instead. And I mean through. Not around. 00:12:51.659 --> 00:12:56.919 Through. It felt warm, like standing over a heating 00:12:56.919 --> 00:12:59.779 vent on a cold morning. That specific warmth 00:12:59.779 --> 00:13:03.139 that comes up from the floor lasted half a second, 00:13:03.220 --> 00:13:05.919 and then she was past me and gone up the stairs, 00:13:05.980 --> 00:13:09.139 and I was still crouched in the doorway, frozen, 00:13:09.259 --> 00:13:13.659 and I believe I may have wet my pants. I'd like 00:13:13.659 --> 00:13:18.620 to tell you I handled it with dignity. I did 00:13:18.620 --> 00:13:23.200 not. Then the shock hit me. Not the electrical 00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:26.620 kind, the other kind. The kind where the world 00:13:26.620 --> 00:13:30.460 slips sideways and you're somewhere else entirely. 00:13:32.519 --> 00:13:37.200 35 years. 35 goddamn years. And they let him 00:13:37.200 --> 00:13:42.019 go. No seniority, nothing. Not one of those 35 00:13:42.019 --> 00:13:45.399 years meant a thing when it came right down to 00:13:45.399 --> 00:13:49.879 it. Budget cuts, they said. Restructuring. And 00:13:49.879 --> 00:13:53.980 now what? Back on the job market. At his age, 00:13:54.059 --> 00:13:58.940 he'd almost rather... Then I was back on my floor, 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:02.340 kneeling in my own living room with wet pants 00:14:02.340 --> 00:14:06.080 and a heart rate that had some serious catching 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:09.639 up to do. I have no idea whose thoughts those 00:14:09.639 --> 00:14:14.340 were. My whole life has been the same job. I've 00:14:14.340 --> 00:14:17.480 never been laid off. Never had to think about 00:14:17.480 --> 00:14:21.690 going back on the job market. I sat down on the 00:14:21.690 --> 00:14:25.009 couch where the girl had been and stared at the 00:14:25.009 --> 00:14:29.610 wall. Call a priest? Call a doctor? Call someone 00:14:29.610 --> 00:14:33.370 who handles both? My legs didn't have it in them 00:14:33.370 --> 00:14:36.649 to make it upstairs, so I pulled the throw blanket 00:14:36.649 --> 00:14:39.870 off the back of the couch, turned the TV back 00:14:39.870 --> 00:14:44.210 on, and slept right there with the lights on. 00:14:44.870 --> 00:14:47.669 The home improvement guy was still going when 00:14:47.669 --> 00:14:53.129 I woke up. From that night on, weird was just 00:14:53.129 --> 00:14:56.690 the nightly forecast. A few nights after the 00:14:56.690 --> 00:15:00.090 girl situation, I went upstairs to get a shower 00:15:00.090 --> 00:15:03.370 like I always do after work. Force of habit. 00:15:03.889 --> 00:15:07.809 You come home. You clean up. You feel like a 00:15:07.809 --> 00:15:11.470 person. Again. Done it the same way my whole 00:15:11.470 --> 00:15:14.789 life. And I wasn't about to stop. Just because 00:15:14.789 --> 00:15:18.570 my house had become a way station. for the recently 00:15:18.570 --> 00:15:23.289 deceased i did what i needed to do stood in front 00:15:23.289 --> 00:15:26.730 of the mirror to shave and that's when the door 00:15:26.730 --> 00:15:32.590 opened woman mid -thirties dark hair bathrobe 00:15:32.590 --> 00:15:37.029 walked in like she owned the place which to be 00:15:37.029 --> 00:15:39.629 fair to her from her perspective she probably 00:15:39.629 --> 00:15:43.730 did and didn't even clock me standing there with 00:15:43.730 --> 00:15:47.440 half my face covered in shaving cream looking 00:15:47.440 --> 00:15:51.440 like Kenny Rogers. I pressed myself back against 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:55.039 the sink as far as I could without actually climbing 00:15:55.039 --> 00:15:58.940 into it. After the girl, I wasn't taking any 00:15:58.940 --> 00:16:02.379 chances. The last thing I wanted was another 00:16:02.379 --> 00:16:05.940 round of the warm, fuzzy feeling and its associated 00:16:05.940 --> 00:16:11.620 consequences. So I stayed very still and watched 00:16:11.620 --> 00:16:15.379 her walk to the shower, drop the robe, and turn 00:16:15.379 --> 00:16:19.659 the water on. I'll say one thing for her. She 00:16:19.659 --> 00:16:23.179 had a nice rack for a dead girl. I'm not proud 00:16:23.179 --> 00:16:26.100 of that thought. I'm just telling you what happened. 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:30.460 I grabbed my razor and my shaving cream and took 00:16:30.460 --> 00:16:33.440 the whole operation down to the kitchen sink, 00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:37.539 which is not ideal, but considerably better than 00:16:37.539 --> 00:16:40.960 the alternative. I found something out that night, 00:16:40.980 --> 00:16:45.679 though. Ghosts can feel temperature. I know this 00:16:45.679 --> 00:16:48.799 because... When I turned the hot water on in 00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:51.940 the kitchen, I could hear her all the way upstairs, 00:16:52.139 --> 00:16:57.279 carrying on like I'd done it on purpose. I mean, 00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:00.840 maybe I left it on a little longer than necessary. 00:17:02.179 --> 00:17:05.779 But that's between me and the hot water heater, 00:17:05.859 --> 00:17:10.920 so that was my life for a while. Come home, fight 00:17:10.920 --> 00:17:16.029 over the remote. Lose, watch tile. Find things 00:17:16.029 --> 00:17:20.190 moved, put them back. Find them moved. Again. 00:17:20.730 --> 00:17:25.329 The remote kept migrating to the couch. My keys 00:17:25.329 --> 00:17:28.450 they liked on the kitchen counter instead of 00:17:28.450 --> 00:17:32.250 the hook by the door. My wallet. They kept moving 00:17:32.250 --> 00:17:35.690 from the dresser to the nightstand. Which is 00:17:35.690 --> 00:17:38.650 not where my wallet goes. My wallet goes on the 00:17:38.650 --> 00:17:42.009 dresser. I've kept it there my entire adult life. 00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:45.720 And I see no reason to change now. Every night, 00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:48.900 I'd put everything back exactly where it belonged. 00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:52.700 And every night, they'd move it again like we 00:17:52.700 --> 00:17:55.440 were playing the world's most pointless game. 00:17:56.700 --> 00:18:00.740 I started hiding things. Didn't help. They found 00:18:00.740 --> 00:18:05.259 them anyway. And the mess. God, the mess. I'd 00:18:05.259 --> 00:18:08.440 come home to dishes in the sink, shoes in the 00:18:08.440 --> 00:18:11.799 hallway. The general state of someone lives here 00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:15.349 that... I did not authorize. I'm not a neat freak, 00:18:15.509 --> 00:18:18.549 but I have a system, and the system was being 00:18:18.549 --> 00:18:22.109 systematically dismantled by people who were 00:18:22.109 --> 00:18:25.730 technically not even alive. The worst was the 00:18:25.730 --> 00:18:29.410 dining room table. I came home one night and 00:18:29.410 --> 00:18:33.390 the whole thing was buried in tax forms and receipts, 00:18:33.490 --> 00:18:37.329 stacks of them spread out like someone had been 00:18:37.329 --> 00:18:40.769 working through them all day. which I suppose 00:18:40.769 --> 00:18:44.410 they had, from their point of view, most already 00:18:44.410 --> 00:18:48.230 filled out in handwriting that wasn't mine. The 00:18:48.230 --> 00:18:52.710 name on everything was Gaines, Robin Tammy Gaines. 00:18:53.230 --> 00:18:56.730 I had to gather up every one of those forms and 00:18:56.730 --> 00:18:59.829 take them down to the furnace, when I should 00:18:59.829 --> 00:19:02.609 have been watching the news and having a cold 00:19:02.609 --> 00:19:06.170 one, standing there feeding someone else's tax 00:19:06.170 --> 00:19:26.839 documents into the fire. Mr. and Mrs. Gaines, 00:19:27.019 --> 00:19:29.519 I really think you're going to love this house. 00:19:34.680 --> 00:19:38.220 leading a young couple through rooms I knew like 00:19:38.220 --> 00:19:43.000 the back of my hand. My rooms. My hallway. My 00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:46.059 living room. My scratch on the hardwood near 00:19:46.059 --> 00:19:50.380 the stairs. This is my house. What the hell is 00:19:50.380 --> 00:19:54.339 she doing showing my house? The young guy, Rob, 00:19:54.500 --> 00:19:57.799 I guess, looked around with the expression of 00:19:57.799 --> 00:20:01.539 a man doing math he already knew the answer to. 00:20:02.059 --> 00:20:05.680 His wife was small, dark -haired, the kind of 00:20:05.680 --> 00:20:08.940 pretty that's going to hold up. She was already 00:20:08.940 --> 00:20:12.339 imagining where the furniture would go. People 00:20:12.339 --> 00:20:17.299 do that. Walk into a place and start moving things 00:20:17.299 --> 00:20:20.619 around in their heads before they've even asked 00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:24.059 about the water pressure. We'll take it, Rob 00:20:24.059 --> 00:20:28.200 said. Didn't even have to ask her. The realtor 00:20:28.200 --> 00:20:31.400 smiled the smile of a woman about to make a commission. 00:20:32.349 --> 00:20:36.150 Wonderful. Now, just for full disclosure, it's 00:20:36.150 --> 00:20:39.089 not a big deal, really, but the previous owner... 00:20:39.089 --> 00:20:43.990 Then I was back in my basement with a fistful 00:20:43.990 --> 00:20:49.369 of ashes and the furnace ticking down. Previous 00:20:49.369 --> 00:20:54.190 owner. I stood there a minute. Then I went upstairs 00:20:54.190 --> 00:20:58.349 and watched the tile guy. Some things you file 00:20:58.349 --> 00:21:02.789 away to think about later and later. never comes. 00:21:03.750 --> 00:21:07.529 That's just how it goes. A man's got a routine. 00:21:08.589 --> 00:21:12.630 Then came Thanksgiving. I came home one night 00:21:12.630 --> 00:21:15.250 to the dining room table spread out like a magazine 00:21:15.250 --> 00:21:19.650 photo. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet 00:21:19.650 --> 00:21:23.410 potatoes, corn, the works, six -place settings, 00:21:23.609 --> 00:21:27.829 candles lit. If I was on death row, I'd request 00:21:27.829 --> 00:21:31.109 the same thing. Maybe with a couple cold ones 00:21:31.109 --> 00:21:34.829 on the side. I figured they were expecting company. 00:21:34.950 --> 00:21:38.950 Their company, not mine. But the food was there, 00:21:39.069 --> 00:21:42.690 and I hadn't eaten a real meal in, I couldn't 00:21:42.690 --> 00:21:47.150 remember how long, actually, ages. So I sat down 00:21:47.150 --> 00:21:50.789 and helped myself. I ate half that table. It 00:21:50.789 --> 00:21:55.210 was good, too. Really good. The kind of meal 00:21:55.210 --> 00:21:58.410 that reminds you what... food is supposed to 00:21:58.410 --> 00:22:02.289 taste like. I was feeling pretty charitable toward 00:22:02.289 --> 00:22:06.329 my ghostly roommates, right up until my stomach 00:22:06.329 --> 00:22:09.250 started making noises like a backed -up drain. 00:22:10.269 --> 00:22:13.970 Then came the cramps. I spent the rest of the 00:22:13.970 --> 00:22:18.069 night in my easy chair, sweating and moaning, 00:22:18.190 --> 00:22:22.710 curled around my midsection, convinced I was 00:22:22.710 --> 00:22:27.140 dying. Which, looking back, It's funnier than 00:22:27.140 --> 00:22:30.500 it felt at the time. They'd had enough of me. 00:22:30.599 --> 00:22:34.660 I can see that now. An uninvited house guest 00:22:34.660 --> 00:22:38.700 who fights you for the remote, runs cold water 00:22:38.700 --> 00:22:42.200 while you're in the shower, sits down, and eats 00:22:42.200 --> 00:22:45.180 half your Thanksgiving dinner without being asked. 00:22:45.460 --> 00:22:48.519 From their side of things, I was the problem. 00:22:49.000 --> 00:22:54.369 I was the haunting. They started packing. I came 00:22:54.369 --> 00:22:57.650 home one night and the whole place was in boxes. 00:22:57.829 --> 00:23:01.950 My stuff, all of it, packed up neat and labeled. 00:23:02.069 --> 00:23:06.890 Every box marked the same way. Ship to Rob and 00:23:06.890 --> 00:23:11.529 Tammy Gaines. The nerve. The absolute nerve. 00:23:12.210 --> 00:23:15.309 Bad enough they'd been moving my wallet and drinking 00:23:15.309 --> 00:23:18.390 my beer and commandeering my remote for months. 00:23:18.809 --> 00:23:22.490 Now they were boxing up my belongings. and shipping 00:23:22.490 --> 00:23:25.470 them off to themselves like I was the one who 00:23:25.470 --> 00:23:29.930 needed to go. Conceited bastards, the lot of 00:23:29.930 --> 00:23:34.349 them. This is my house. I'm not getting evicted 00:23:34.349 --> 00:23:38.750 by a family of corpses. I unpacked everything. 00:23:39.069 --> 00:23:42.849 Put it all back exactly where it belonged. Every 00:23:42.849 --> 00:23:46.589 item in its right place. Wallet on the dresser. 00:23:46.650 --> 00:23:51.029 Keys on the hook. Remote next to my chair. Took 00:23:51.029 --> 00:23:55.160 me. Half the night. They packed it again. I unpacked 00:23:55.160 --> 00:24:00.460 it again. This went on four times. Four times 00:24:00.460 --> 00:24:03.839 they packed up their lives. And four times I 00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:07.480 put my things back where they went. Because this 00:24:07.480 --> 00:24:11.740 is my house. And I'm not going anywhere. By the 00:24:11.740 --> 00:24:14.380 fourth time the fight had gone out of them, the 00:24:14.380 --> 00:24:19.039 boxes stayed empty after that. Well, that's my 00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:22.440 story. I wish I could give you some kind of epiphany 00:24:22.440 --> 00:24:26.500 at the end of it. A white light. A deep truth. 00:24:27.019 --> 00:24:31.480 Some wisdom I picked up along the way. But I've 00:24:31.480 --> 00:24:34.680 got nothing like that for you. Just a man and 00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:37.920 his house and the people who keep moving through 00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:41.759 it. They're not the same ones anymore. That's 00:24:41.759 --> 00:24:44.779 the thing I didn't expect. The Gaines family 00:24:44.779 --> 00:24:48.200 moved on eventually. Even they couldn't stay 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:52.160 forever, I guess. New ones come. They stay a 00:24:52.160 --> 00:24:56.720 while. Drive me crazy. Move on. It's like living 00:24:56.720 --> 00:25:00.940 next to a bus stop. I'm still here, though. I 00:25:00.940 --> 00:25:04.160 keep thinking I should move. Get a fresh start 00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:09.079 somewhere. But who am I kidding? I can't move 00:25:09.079 --> 00:25:12.619 on. I'm too much of a creature of habit for that. 00:25:13.700 --> 00:25:16.960 And that was Ghost Story. A man so entrenched 00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:19.539 in his routine that not even death could interrupt 00:25:19.539 --> 00:25:23.220 it. The tragedy isn't the haunting. It's that 00:25:23.220 --> 00:25:25.839 he never noticed the difference. If you want 00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:29.759 more, follow Macabre Miscellanea here. And if 00:25:29.759 --> 00:25:32.140 you prefer your nightmares with visuals, the 00:25:32.140 --> 00:25:35.460 full video version is on YouTube. Until next 00:25:35.460 --> 00:25:39.720 time, remember, the lights were never on for 00:25:39.720 --> 00:25:39.859 you.