WEBVTT 00:00:03.259 --> 00:00:06.719 This is WBN News 404 AM with the breaking news 00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:10.380 report. Snack Crisis sparks chaos. Wasteland 00:00:10.380 --> 00:00:13.259 is on edge. The Rust Rats, notorious for their 00:00:13.259 --> 00:00:16.899 scavenger raids, attempted to liberate long -expired 00:00:16.899 --> 00:00:19.500 vending machine delicacies. The acolytes of the 00:00:19.500 --> 00:00:21.760 Great Vending Machine responded swiftly, condemning 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:24.399 this act as blasphemy against their sacred mechanical 00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:27.500 deity. As you may be well aware, the acolytes 00:00:27.500 --> 00:00:29.239 of the Great Vending Machine are no ordinary 00:00:29.239 --> 00:00:31.550 wasteland faction. They are devout believers 00:00:31.550 --> 00:00:33.990 in the power of automated nourishment, sworn 00:00:33.990 --> 00:00:36.729 to protect and honor the relics of pre -apocalyptic 00:00:36.729 --> 00:00:40.350 convenience. Their sacred texts, rumored to be 00:00:40.350 --> 00:00:42.969 yellowed instruction manuals, dictate that sustenance 00:00:42.969 --> 00:00:45.329 must be earned through ritual offerings of exact 00:00:45.329 --> 00:00:48.329 change. Failed transactions are divine trials 00:00:48.329 --> 00:00:52.130 testing a survivor's patience and faith. The 00:00:52.130 --> 00:00:54.310 highest ranking member, the keepers of the coin, 00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:58.359 Carry perfectly preserved quarters said to some 00:00:58.359 --> 00:01:02.619 as snacks without mechanical failure Now the 00:01:02.619 --> 00:01:07.079 rust rats tried to bypass the sacred system Attempting 00:01:07.079 --> 00:01:09.799 to force extraction of snack cakes and expired 00:01:09.799 --> 00:01:11.959 protein bars. I don't know if they really do 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:15.640 that good to eat, but anyway Now the acolytes 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:19.159 who were clad in armor made from fallen vending 00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:22.239 machines immediately retaliated launching into 00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:26.060 their sacred chant The great machine provides. 00:01:26.620 --> 00:01:30.879 Snacks are good. Snacks are eternal. Chaos erupted 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:34.219 as both sides engaged in battle, fleeing stale 00:01:34.219 --> 00:01:37.200 snack projectiles and launching blistering insults 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:40.260 about each other's lack of vending machine etiquette. 00:01:41.159 --> 00:01:43.519 Now the casualty count, there's no fatalities 00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:47.099 reported, though at least one rust rat suffered 00:01:47.099 --> 00:01:49.480 some minor bruising after taking a granola bar 00:01:49.480 --> 00:01:53.120 to the face. Things probably pretty hard after... 00:01:53.340 --> 00:01:57.340 at least 15 years but um and faction relations 00:01:57.340 --> 00:01:59.819 are hostile vending machines are now active war 00:01:59.819 --> 00:02:04.299 zones um what i can advice i can give you is 00:02:04.299 --> 00:02:07.400 just avoid vending machine territories unless 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:09.340 you're prepared to align with either of these 00:02:09.340 --> 00:02:13.180 factions and if you are forced to interact make 00:02:13.180 --> 00:02:17.080 sure that you have exact change um don't shake 00:02:17.080 --> 00:02:21.039 the machine ever and absolutely do not question 00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:24.419 the sanctity of their vending machine -based 00:02:24.419 --> 00:02:28.219 religion. We remain on high alert. As tensions 00:02:28.219 --> 00:02:31.060 rise, so does the likelihood of a full -scale 00:02:31.060 --> 00:02:34.500 snack war. We will continue to monitor the situation 00:02:34.500 --> 00:02:37.960 closely. Stay tuned for further updates. We now 00:02:37.960 --> 00:02:42.360 return you to - Are you tired of wandering the 00:02:42.360 --> 00:02:45.900 wasteland, hungry and lost? Do you long for a 00:02:45.900 --> 00:02:49.139 higher purpose, one filled with processed delights 00:02:49.139 --> 00:02:52.110 and aluminum -wrapped miracles? then it's time 00:02:52.110 --> 00:02:55.389 to embrace the truth the only truth that remains 00:02:55.389 --> 00:03:00.449 the great vending machine provides why join the 00:03:00.449 --> 00:03:04.449 acolytes you'll have access to sacred snack vaults 00:03:04.449 --> 00:03:07.509 if you bring exact change you'll have a lifetime 00:03:07.509 --> 00:03:10.289 supply of questionably edible vending machine 00:03:10.289 --> 00:03:13.509 delicacies spiritual enlightenment through beeping 00:03:13.509 --> 00:03:17.340 buzzing and the occasional refund holy protection 00:03:17.340 --> 00:03:20.180 against rust rats, snack thieves, and vending 00:03:20.180 --> 00:03:23.900 machine heretics. But don't take our word for 00:03:23.900 --> 00:03:27.580 it. We have testimonies from converted believers. 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:31.520 Before I joined the Acolytes, I was just another 00:03:31.520 --> 00:03:34.680 wasteland scavenger. Now I'm a keeper of the 00:03:34.680 --> 00:03:38.840 coin. My hands are clean, my snacks are prepackaged, 00:03:39.139 --> 00:03:44.939 and my soul is at peace. is to shake vending 00:03:44.939 --> 00:03:49.319 machines in frustration. Now I shake in reverence. 00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:52.819 The Great Vending Machine has shown me the way. 00:03:55.840 --> 00:03:59.199 All hail the sacred glow of the keypad. I have 00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:02.099 seen the light, and it flickers between sold 00:04:02.099 --> 00:04:08.000 out, and please select another item. Join the 00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:10.340 acolytes of the Great Vending Machine today, 00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:14.620 or risk life without snacks. Sign up now at Ending 00:04:14.620 --> 00:04:17.699 Vending Machine near you. Simply place an offering 00:04:17.699 --> 00:04:20.579 of three quarters, one slightly melted candy 00:04:20.579 --> 00:04:23.279 bar, and a solemn vow never to kick the machine 00:04:23.279 --> 00:04:26.680 in anger. This message is brought to you by the 00:04:26.680 --> 00:04:29.259 acolytes of the Great Vending Machine. The Great 00:04:29.259 --> 00:04:33.519 Vending Machine provides, snacks are good, snacks 00:04:33.519 --> 00:04:46.139 are eternal. Good snacks are eternal, buttons 00:04:46.139 --> 00:04:52.199 glow, the path is clear, offer change drawing 00:04:52.199 --> 00:05:38.610 near. Oh what the hell? I guess everybody's gonna 00:05:38.610 --> 00:05:44.800 be tapping into our network now. Okay um... That 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:48.040 wasn't an authorized commercial, but you know 00:05:48.040 --> 00:05:51.319 if you got You can make up your own mind whether 00:05:51.319 --> 00:05:57.180 you want to join me I wouldn't eat out of 15 00:05:57.180 --> 00:06:00.600 year old vending machines, but You know I don't 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:03.779 want to offend anybody so you know just Make 00:06:03.779 --> 00:06:09.879 up your own mind Okay I'll now return you to 00:06:09.879 --> 00:06:14.730 your scheduled programming I'll try to see if 00:06:14.730 --> 00:06:17.509 I've got any alcohol around.