This is WBN News 404 AM with the breaking news
report. Snack Crisis sparks chaos. Wasteland
is on edge. The Rust Rats, notorious for their
scavenger raids, attempted to liberate long -expired
vending machine delicacies. The acolytes of the
Great Vending Machine responded swiftly, condemning
this act as blasphemy against their sacred mechanical
deity. As you may be well aware, the acolytes
of the Great Vending Machine are no ordinary
wasteland faction. They are devout believers
in the power of automated nourishment, sworn
to protect and honor the relics of pre -apocalyptic
convenience. Their sacred texts, rumored to be
yellowed instruction manuals, dictate that sustenance
must be earned through ritual offerings of exact
change. Failed transactions are divine trials
testing a survivor's patience and faith. The
highest ranking member, the keepers of the coin,
Carry perfectly preserved quarters said to some
as snacks without mechanical failure Now the
rust rats tried to bypass the sacred system Attempting
to force extraction of snack cakes and expired
protein bars. I don't know if they really do
that good to eat, but anyway Now the acolytes
who were clad in armor made from fallen vending
machines immediately retaliated launching into
their sacred chant The great machine provides.
Snacks are good. Snacks are eternal. Chaos erupted
as both sides engaged in battle, fleeing stale
snack projectiles and launching blistering insults
about each other's lack of vending machine etiquette.
Now the casualty count, there's no fatalities
reported, though at least one rust rat suffered
some minor bruising after taking a granola bar
to the face. Things probably pretty hard after...
at least 15 years but um and faction relations
are hostile vending machines are now active war
zones um what i can advice i can give you is
just avoid vending machine territories unless
you're prepared to align with either of these
factions and if you are forced to interact make
sure that you have exact change um don't shake
the machine ever and absolutely do not question
the sanctity of their vending machine -based
religion. We remain on high alert. As tensions
rise, so does the likelihood of a full -scale
snack war. We will continue to monitor the situation
closely. Stay tuned for further updates. We now
return you to - Are you tired of wandering the
wasteland, hungry and lost? Do you long for a
higher purpose, one filled with processed delights
and aluminum -wrapped miracles? then it's time
to embrace the truth the only truth that remains
the great vending machine provides why join the
acolytes you'll have access to sacred snack vaults
if you bring exact change you'll have a lifetime
supply of questionably edible vending machine
delicacies spiritual enlightenment through beeping
buzzing and the occasional refund holy protection
against rust rats, snack thieves, and vending
machine heretics. But don't take our word for
it. We have testimonies from converted believers.
Before I joined the Acolytes, I was just another
wasteland scavenger. Now I'm a keeper of the
coin. My hands are clean, my snacks are prepackaged,
and my soul is at peace. is to shake vending
machines in frustration. Now I shake in reverence.
The Great Vending Machine has shown me the way.
All hail the sacred glow of the keypad. I have
seen the light, and it flickers between sold
out, and please select another item. Join the
acolytes of the Great Vending Machine today,
or risk life without snacks. Sign up now at Ending
Vending Machine near you. Simply place an offering
of three quarters, one slightly melted candy
bar, and a solemn vow never to kick the machine
in anger. This message is brought to you by the
acolytes of the Great Vending Machine. The Great
Vending Machine provides, snacks are good, snacks
are eternal. Good snacks are eternal, buttons
glow, the path is clear, offer change drawing
near. Oh what the hell? I guess everybody's gonna
be tapping into our network now. Okay um... That
wasn't an authorized commercial, but you know
if you got You can make up your own mind whether
you want to join me I wouldn't eat out of 15
year old vending machines, but You know I don't
want to offend anybody so you know just Make
up your own mind Okay I'll now return you to
your scheduled programming I'll try to see if
I've got any alcohol around.