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Recovery Radio

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KMP300.

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It's somewhere right in the middle. But

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here we are.

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You and me. And I am glad for that.

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And I am grateful. I have no desire to

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drink today.

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And I do have a piping hot cup of French

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roast coffee from Trader Joe's mixed

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with some Don Francisco's hazelnut. It

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is absolutely delicious.

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One of my favorite sentences in the big

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book is on page 133. Paraphrasing

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slightly, but it does say to avoid the

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deliberate manufacturer of misery.

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I have discovered a way to manufacture

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misery and I wanted to share it with

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you.

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I was really excellent at doing this

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and did this for a really long time.

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And here's how you do it.

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Don't do anything.

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Except think a lot about you.

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Analyze the shit out of everything.

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Think about everything. Think about

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whether or not it's selfish.

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whether or not God is in it, whether or

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not it's God's will, whether or not it's

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not God's will, whether or not it's some

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test.

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Analyze how you feel from moment to

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moment,

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how each thing defines you or doesn't

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define you in every single moment.

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Put a thermometer in your mouth.

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Take your emotional temperature

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constantly. How do I feel now?

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What about now? What about now? Am I

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thinking of others now? How about now?

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Is the thought of thinking of others

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helping me think of others?

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Is this God's will? Is that God's will?

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Is this thought God's will? I drop my

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car keys. Is that God's will? Am I

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supposed to be 3 seconds later to this

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event? Is this a test? What's God trying

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to show me?

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I have gas. What's God trying to show

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me? I have an itch. What's God trying to

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show me? What does this mean? What does

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that mean?

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You know what I should do? You know how

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I should feel.

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You know what I should be thinking?

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You know what I shouldn't do?

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You know what I shouldn't be thinking?

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You know, I wish I was doing,

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you know, I wish I was somewhere else

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spiritually.

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I should be further along.

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I'm failing.

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I suck. I'll never get this. I can't do

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this right.

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I'm a fraud.

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You know what I should do?

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You what I should have done.

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You know what I need to do?

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You know what I'm going to plan to do.

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I know I should do that, but I'm not

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going to.

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I know I should do that,

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but I tried and I failed. So, I suck.

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So, I'm a failure, so I shouldn't try.

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How am I doing?

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How am I doing now?

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What about now?

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How about now?

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Is this selfish? Is this God's will?

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What about this?

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I'll stop right now because I've been

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doing it for a few minutes now, but I

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did that for years.

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And I manufactured plenty of misery as a

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result of that.

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And my life got really good. I don't

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know when it was. I don't remember

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exactly when it was, but things got

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really good.

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When I was able to stop finally doing

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that,

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when I was able to stop

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analyzing everything I was doing, taking

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my emotional temperature, reading into

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everything, trying to figure out

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everything,

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the entire exercise of being in my head

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was not helpful.

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It is in the self-forgetting

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that one finds. In my experience,

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all of those thoughts are selfish.

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All of those thoughts are selfish

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because I'm thinking of me. It's that

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it's so simple. It's almost invisible.

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Think of someone else. There's billions

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of people on the planet. There's people

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everywhere who are having totally

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different experiences than I am.

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We're having different mornings or

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afternoons or evenings and different

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trials and struggles and

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celebrations and there's

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I imagine it like it was a helmet that I

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was wearing was just I was just

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listening to my own

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station. What about me? How's this? What

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about now? What about now? What about

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now?

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And I don't remember exactly when I was

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able to take that off

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and be present for someone else and

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think about someone else.

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Make a sentence or an event

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or a moment about someone else.

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Why it took years for me to be able to

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do that?

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to actually celebrate someone else

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took years.

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I could fake celebrate other people

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pretty good.

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But it took a lot of time for me be to

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be able to make a moment about somebody

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other than me.

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It just took a long time for me to be

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able to make a moment about somebody

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other than me.

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to ask somebody how they're doing

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with no

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plan of what I'm going to say,

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of no self-seeking motive in it,

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with no like hoping I hear this or that

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or this is how I'm going to respond if

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this or they're probably thinking this

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with none of that. Just how are you? and

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then

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practicing listening. I mean, it took me

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a long time to be able to do that. When

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I talk about it now, it sounds crazy,

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but

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I couldn't make a moment about somebody

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else. I couldn't I couldn't do it

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cuz I'd be like, should I make this

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moment about them? Am I making this

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moment about them right now?

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right now is what I'm doing. Am I making

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it about them or I'm making it about me?

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I don't think I'm making it about me cuz

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I'm thinking of them.

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I'm thinking of them, right? I'm not

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thinking about me.

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Just all of that. Shut up. All of that.

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Am I making it about them now? How about

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now?

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How cool is it that I'm making making it

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about them? That's so cool. That's so

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humble of me. I'm so cool to be able to

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make it about them. I think I'm making

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it about them right now. Just all of

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that exhausting mental masturbation that

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went on for years and years

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and the end result of all that

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misery.

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Also, I noticed that nobody cares.

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All these things I would think about,

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nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit. It

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doesn't matter.

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The world was not like the world is not

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going to fall apart without me.

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It was fine before I got here. It'll be

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fine when I'm gone. It's not like it's

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hanging on by a thread and needs my two

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cents. It needs my analytical, you know,

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study of how I'm doing at this moment.

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It's like it doesn't I can't find a

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place in the universe where that means

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anything.

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But I spent years

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in this state of mind.

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But I just have never been able to

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discover any valuable

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place to put all that. It doesn't

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matter.

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I used to play music for a living and

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one time I

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was at a show.

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We're about to perform standing on the

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street with some fans

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and one of the fans said, "I missed your

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show, you know, the other day. How was

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it?"

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And I was like, "Well, I think it was

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out of tune. I think the first song was

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and he

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he said, "I don't give a shit about

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that. How was the vibe?"

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And that's kind of a perfect little

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microcosm for like what matters all

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around. Like

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it doesn't matter all these things I'm

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thinking. What is what am I putting out

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there?

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What is it like to be around me?

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Is it exhausting?

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Is it frustrating? Do I make people walk

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on eggshells? Do I shut people down?

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Do I ever celebrate anybody else?

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Do I ever make a big deal out of anyone

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but me?

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And I've talked about this plenty, but

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it's like having gone to a lot of wakes

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and celebration of lives and funerals, I

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noticed that this is all people talk

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about. They don't talk about

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really anything other than

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how they felt

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around the person,

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how the person made them feel.

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But for years,

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I tried to sort all kinds of stuff out

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that just doesn't

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mean anything.

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I know. But it does mean something if

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I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking

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about it. If I think about it for long

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enough, maybe I'll figure out just all

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of that.

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Just shut up.

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Not you, me.

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So, if you want to

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deliberately manufacture some misery, I

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suggest

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get in your head and stay there as much

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as you can. No matter what's going on

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around you all throughout the day, stay

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in your head

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and check out the Black Rhino's

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International Big Book Study. You can

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look it up. They have an Instagram page.

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And if anybody needs to hear it,

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everything is okay.

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I got to go do a photo shoot

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for PFB.

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It's actually for PFB Italia.

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It's like an Italian. It's like a

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version of Italian Vogue.

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It's like perfect fucking body.