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Recovery

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Radio [music]

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KMP300anding

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[music]

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day today.

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I really am.

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Why am I having an outstanding day? You

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ask.

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I think I can tell you.

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It is

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mostly because

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I feel deep inside

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that I am not entitled to

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for me. That's a big deal.

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I'll talk about that more in a minute.

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I have to say that I'm grateful that I'm

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sober.

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I do not take my sobriety for granted.

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Woke up today and the opponent

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that I like to call the desire to drink

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was not in the ring.

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And

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I believe that is God

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for me. That's God as I understand God.

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We have a daily reprieve that's

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contingent on the maintenance of our

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spiritual condition according to our

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book Alcoholics Anonymous.

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And uh that's it.

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I know that I say that a lot on this

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show.

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I think it's important. It's important

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for me. It's in my mind.

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It's like the lead story in my brain. If

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my brain were a newspaper, if it's the

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headline

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as I go throughout the day,

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I think about it a lot. Why do I think

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about it a lot? because

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I know what it's like to have the

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obsession to drink

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and not want it to be there. And it is

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hell on earth

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and I don't have it today and I feel

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like I understand why I don't have it

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today.

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You know, a lot of people will say they

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really don't know how it works.

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I don't know what's keeping me sober. I

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hear people say that. So, I just do 50

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things and hopefully one of them is

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doing it. And

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[clears throat]

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the beautiful thing about Alcoholics

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Anonymous is everybody is entitled to

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their own take, their own experience,

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their own opinion, their own beliefs.

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And it's beautiful.

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That's why AA is so awesome.

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You can disagree with everything that I

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say and that's okay.

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I'm just one ding ding.

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But I personally don't feel that way in

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terms of not knowing what's going on.

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Feel like I got the message clearly

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delivered to me and shown to me many

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many years ago and that message has

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stuck. And that message is

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in a nutshell as an alcoholic

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I crossed a line at some point during my

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drinking

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where the most powerful desire to stop

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drinking isn't there anymore.

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And now the power to stay sober has to

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ultimately come from a higher power.

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So my responsibility is to stay

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unblocked as best I can from that power.

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Another

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way that I look at it is like let's say

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like a higher power is the sun

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and my job is to keep my blinds open.

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Keep the curtains open.

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That's my job.

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My job is not to make amazing things

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happen. My job is not to keep myself

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sober. My job is not to I don't have the

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power.

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But I do have the power with God's help

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to keep my blinds open.

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Not all the time,

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of course. It's funny. I always feel I

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always feel obligated to say that

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because whenever

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I say anything about,

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you know, these principles working,

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right away I feel this knee-jerk

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reaction to almost apologize for it and

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say, you know, but I'm not perfect.

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I could can we just put that to bed? Can

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we just kill that now? Yeah.

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No one's perfect. No one does this

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perfectly. I up all the time.

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Everyone does. We're people. We're

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humans.

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We cannot maintain perfect adherence to

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spiritual principles, but we can

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achieve them.

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Just can't maintain them.

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So anyways, I feel like my job is to

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stay out of self as best I can

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through unselfish constructive action.

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and

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prayer and meditation. So

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anyways,

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so I'm just so grateful

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that I do not want to drink right now

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today. The power does not come from me.

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I don't think.

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And another reason that's a big deal I

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think is but a I'm also saying that I

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don't know if I will be sober tomorrow

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and I can't know that today

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and I know

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people have said it many times I'm sure

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you'll make it blah blah blah chances

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are blah blah good just you know how can

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you doubt it. I doubt it. I don't know.

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I believe the big book. The big book

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says we have a daily reprieve, not a 48

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hour reprieve, a daily reprieve. And I

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believe that

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my spiritual condition is important

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right now. And right now is the only

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time I can do anything about my

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spiritual condition. I can't do anything

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about my spiritual condition tomorrow.

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my spiritual condition right now.

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Right now. So what does that mean

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to me? It's to me I'm doing okay when

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I'm I'm not that attached to my own

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opinion about anything.

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To me, I'm doing okay when

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I do not feel the desire to defend

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my point of view.

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Defend it.

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To me, I'm doing pretty good when

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I

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am looking

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at people

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and what is good about them.

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To me, I'm doing good when I feel open

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to being spontaneous.

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To me, I'm doing pretty good when I am

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willing to

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be of service and inconvenienced

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by being of service.

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To me, I'm doing pretty good when I'm

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not replaying anything

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over and over

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in my head.

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To me, I'm doing pretty good when

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I am

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in a state of mind where I'm looking to

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see what I could contribute.

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By the way, I'm having this new tea

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I just want to tell you about it for a

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minute.

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No, they don't sponsor the show. No one

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does. But I just want to tell you about

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this tea. This tea, it is kind of sleepy

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time honey, I think.

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And if you like honey, it's good. And I

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don't know why I'm drinking sleepy time

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in the middle of the day,

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but it's not my alcoholism, I'll tell

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you that. It's just my wackiness.

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Anyways,

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>> [clears throat]

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>> back to um what I was talking about at

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the beginning,

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which is that part of the reason I'm

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having such a spectacular day is that

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I

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I'm real honed in today on the fact that

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I'm not entitled to

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the guy who really showed me

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what sobriety

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looked like in an attractive way to me.

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Allowed me to do a inventory with him

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one time.

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It was a resentment that I had.

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I couldn't get past it.

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And uh

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he was such an interesting guy. He had a

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to his house there was a you heard a dog

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barking, but it was a fake dog. When you

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approached the fence, you were a fence

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the recording a recording would go off

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and a dog would start barking and

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he got he thought that was so funny.

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He's the guy I talked about him before.

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His name is Mike. He had a a lighter on

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his watch and he had all these gadgets.

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Anyways,

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we're sitting in his den and he has all

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this AA memorabilia everywhere and

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there's pictures of Bill Wilson and then

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next to the picture of Bill Wilson is a

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picture of him standing in the exact

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same spot in the same position

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as Bill Wilson and he was just an a nut.

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and he let me do a uh

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inventory with him and

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and he he he [clears throat]

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would ask me why in a way no one had

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ever asked. He said, you know, why are

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you mad? And I said, well, because he

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pissed me off.

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And he would say, but why? And I would

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say, well, because I just didn't like

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what he was doing.

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And he would say, "Why?" He said,

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"You're just answering in a circle. Go

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deeper. Why?"

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And he didn't

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he wouldn't tell me what the next level

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was that he could see and understand,

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but he said he could tell me what, but

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he wasn't going to because he would rob

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me of the experience of discovering it.

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But I'll share with you what I found at

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the bottom.

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There's dubs. Doves [clears throat] go

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outside.

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I have doves in my yard right now.

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get a lot of comments from people on the

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birds here.

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I do watch the birds

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and sometimes they uh are loud enough to

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be picked up on the mic and I don't

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care. Anyways, he said why? Why?

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Ask yourself why. And at the bottom of

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this, what I discovered was this,

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I think, false belief

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that I'm entitled

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to anything.

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The fact that we're here

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is a gift.

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It's not right.

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I know once we're here, you could, you

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know, having rights, that's a whole

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different conversation, but

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[clears throat]

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it's a gift that I was born and I'm

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here.

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And then moreover, everything that

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happened to me

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in my life that I love and enjoy and

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experience today happened as a result of

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grace.

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I treated everyone like dragged

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myself into the ground, scared everyone

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away from me,

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and

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found

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God as I understand God.

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I found spiritual principles that solve

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all of my problems. That's crazy.

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It's amazing.

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So if I wake up and I think to myself,

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I'm entitled

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to things. I'm entitled for today to go

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a certain way. I'm entitled for, you

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know, I'm entitled to have people do

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certain things and things to turn out a

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certain way.

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To me, I'm not doing well.

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That to me is a red flag. what I feel

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and when I'm in that state of mind and I

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know when I'm in that state of mind

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because drum roll I'm uncomfortable

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trying to play God and control

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and uh

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but when I when I'm in the state of mind

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like I am today, which is this is all a

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present. All of it.

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All of it. Every card you're dealt today

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is a present. The good ones, the bad

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ones, what you think are good and bad,

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all of them. They're presents.

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When you're just grateful to get cards

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dealt at all,

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it is really hard to have a day that is

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anything other than

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amazing.

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This takes time

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in my life.

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I'm going to share a story about my

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friend Bill

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I've talked about before. Got sober

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together. Hi Bill. He listens to the

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show.

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There was one night and I'm sharing this

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because

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I want to express somehow how bumpy the

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road was for me to get to this place I'm

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at today.

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how bumpy and rickety and confusing and

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scary and up and down the road was.

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I didn't get sober and just feel deep

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with gratitude. Deep gratitude didn't

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happen. It was sporadic and challenging

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and messy.

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Anyways,

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I remember one time me and Bill were at

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Denny's.

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used to go to Denny's all the time back

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when you couldn't

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sit there and chain smoke at Denny's

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and uh

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there was a smoking section and there

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was a non-smoking section and it was all

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the same section

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and sit there for hours.

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One night we were there and

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we were probably both sober a year or

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two,

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maybe longer. I don't remember now. I

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think more than a couple years.

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We were sober a good while. And I was

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freaking out. Used to do it all the

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time. I was just freaking out.

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But I was really freaking out. And I was

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I wanted to do acid.

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I don't know why.

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I don't know why that's where I went and

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what I was honed in on, but

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I was sober for a couple years and I

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just wanted to do acid and I didn't

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really want to do acid. I

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was just in misery. I was miserable. I

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wanted to do acid. Told Bill I'm I want

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to do acid. I'm just freaking out. Bill

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is so great. He said uh just get in. He

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had this Volkswagen bus and he just

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put me inside of it and I curled up in a

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ball on the floor the passenger side

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and he just drove

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and he drove and he drove and he didn't

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know where he was going. He didn't know

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where he was going.

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And uh he was just driving, driving

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roads we've never been on, areas we've

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never seen.

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It's the middle of the night, just

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driving. Gets this area is windy roads,

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pitch black, pitch black. We don't see

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anything with driving. I'm curled up in

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a ball on the floor, yelping,

360
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moaning, telling him that how bad life

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is and how much I'm hurting and

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struggling

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about what today. I could tell you not

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at all. I have no idea what was going

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on. But it was just the end of the

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world. And

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and then all of a sudden, we got to this

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church

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just appeared out of nowhere. I was all

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lit up and

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[clears throat] uh

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this huge peace came over both of us.

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We got out, walked around and we're just

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tripping out. Can you believe this? Can

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00:19:41,679 --> 00:19:45,320
you believe this feeling?

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And I don't think I've told that story

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in 25 years to anyone.

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And

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it was just something that happened. I'm

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not making a commentary on church. I'm

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not making a commentary on

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pro or against religion.

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I'm not. I'm telling you what happened.

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I was freaking out. I wanted to do acid.

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We were driving around. It was pitch

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black. All of a sudden, we were at this

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church

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and it was all lit up. seemed like we

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were in the middle of nowhere and this

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incredible peace came over both of us.

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I've never forgotten that.

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It's nuts.

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I'm telling you that story because

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sometimes I'll hear myself talk and I'll

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think,

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I don't know what I would have thought

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when I was new or six months sober or a

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00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,520
year sober or two years sober or three

399
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,360
years sober or five years sober hearing

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00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:50,720
this. I don't know what I would have

401
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,880
thought because

402
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,880
to me those were jagged times. It was

403
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:59,159
rough. So,

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00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:04,320
but not like that for me today.

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Very grateful for the calm and peace

406
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,520
that I have today.

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My head's quiet today,

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00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,400
but I continue to take inventory and I

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continue to work with others and I

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continue to seek a higher power as I

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understand him.

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And uh

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00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,400
it feels good today.

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I have a hot day today with my wife. I'm

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going to go on it now.

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And uh I know I'm drinking tea, but

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00:21:47,919 --> 00:21:51,679
we're going to go get some coffee.

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So,

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thank you for listening. You can email

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00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,960
me.

421
00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:01,120
I'll read some more of your emails soon.

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00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,600
Thank you. You can email me at sarcastic

423
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,600
bigbook@gmail.com.

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You can find me on Instagram.