Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan Podcast by
night. All day. What's up, dog? Joe. Good to
see you, my friend. Same here, man. What's crack
-a -lackin'? Life is good. Happy to be in Austin,
Texas. Happy to have you. Are you doing Kill
Tony tonight? I'll show up at Kill Tony tonight.
Nice. Of course. My guy. So happy for him. Yeah,
he's killing it. He always talks about us as
his early supporters. Oh, yeah, for sure. I love
that guy. He's the best. I mean, that show is
on fire. It's a fucking runaway train right now.
Everywhere I go, Kill Tony, Kill Tony, Kill Tony.
Love you on Kill Tony. It's such a fun show.
You know, what a great idea. Kind of amazing
nobody thought it up. Well, he just kind of put
his open mics and his roasts and his personality
and his friends and has built a community. It's
kind of amazing. Oh, it's incredible. He's the
new Johnny Carson. I mean, think about how many,
like, Adam Ray's killing it, selling out giant
theaters. All these guys that, you know, came
through that show are fucking destroying now.
This is our tribe, Joe. I know. I love it. It's
amazing. It's a good time for comedy. Did I hear
that you have a German shepherd? No. No, I have
a golden retriever, and I have a cavalier King
Charles Spaniel. Oh, okay. Little tiny fella.
Somebody told me something different. No. I love
German shepherds, but I don't have one. I have
a German shepherd. They're the best. You have
to exercise the shit out of them, though. Yeah.
They need work. She loves to run around and dig
and climb and adventures. They need tasks. They're
not like my golden. He's just... Cool just chilling,
laying on his back, getting his belly rubbed.
Oh, I follow him on Instagram. Don't worry. He's
the best. I look for my mornings with him. I
mean, they're a very low -maintenance dog. And
he's trained. You could train him very easily.
But as far as like a guard dog and that kind
of useless. My dog can like sit, stay, and run
around frantically. I'll be like, run around
frantically. And she'll just run around. Well,
they have so much energy. Those dogs are just
designed to work. I put her to work for two months
this summer on Broadway. She came out at the
end of my show and howled with me in the audience.
She can howl on cue? We taught her. I had the
same trainer that did Sandy from the show Annie,
like from when I was a kid, Bill Bertolone. And
he's like, I could teach her. She's like a wild
rescue German shepherd from the desert. And there
she was, like, came out, jumped on a couch, hit
her mark, turned to the audience, and we, like,
sang. Oh, that's awesome. She had her own dressing
room. Nipsey. Her name's Nipsey. And then when
the run was over, she was like, no more work.
I need something else to do. Yeah, they need
things to do. People that just have them and
have them in an apartment and don't go anywhere,
that's a crazy thing to do to a dog like that.
Aw, look at her. Oh, my God. Wow. Look how sweet.
So she's a rescue dog? She is. Where'd you find
her? They found her in a... Bummy, a breeder
in Reno during the pandemic. I had an old dog.
I had an old senior dog that my ex found on the
street. And we took care of her at the beginning
of the pandemic. And the ex left, left the dog.
So it was just me and this old beat -up street
dog for a few months. And the vet was like, I
got another, a puppy, German Shepherd. Oh, she
was a puppy? This one was, yeah. Oh, that's great.
So now it was like five years ago already. So
she's my bestie. And we do everything. I mean,
I just love her to pieces. Even getting on the
plane to come here yesterday, part of me was
like, should I bring her and let her run around
the Four Seas for a couple days and whatever?
Yeah. It's hard leaving them. It's like I have
a kid. She looks at me, looking for the buzzwords.
Are we going? Are we staying? Are we eating?
I know. They get separation anxiety big time.
And they get very attached to one person. Right.
Yeah. You're her daddy. Oh, she's just so sweet.
She'll lay in bed, never wakes me, rolls over,
arms up, ready to get. She can't start the day
without a full. Like, I almost, like, hold her
legs and play her like a guitar. And she just,
you know, tongues out, just complete euphoria.
Once a week, I take all her collars off and just
rub the neck, and just her eyes start watering.
That's so cute. Highly right. I never was into
dogs. I'm slightly allergic. My sister got snapped
on by a Doberman when we were little, so I was
always a little afraid. And then it was just
kind of forced on me during the pandemic because
all these dogs needed home. So now here I am.
I'm a freaking doggy daddy. Oh, I love dogs.
I've always had dogs. I will never not have dogs.
I love them. I love them. What do you think it
is? They're just these amazing creatures that
just love the shit out of you. And especially
if you train them from the time they're puppies
and you give them nothing but love. Yeah. They're
so connected to you. And then, you know, it's
just awesome. You wake up in the morning and
it's always positive. It's always, hello. I wake
up with Marshall, and he starts whining and whimpering,
and I do this thing in the morning. I go, good
morning, sir. Good morning, sir. He's wagging
his tail, and he's rolling around on his back,
and I'm rubbing his belly, and he's giving me
kisses. He loves it. He gets so excited to see
me in the morning. It's like his ritual. He knows
the ritual's coming. He's going to get all this
love. Does he sleep in your room? No, no. My
wife is a little bit allergic, so he sleeps outside
the room. Right. But he is, he's just a giant
love sponge. That's what he is. It's like he
loves everybody. Everybody comes in the house,
like he'd meet you for the first time. He's like,
I can't believe you're here. He's just so excited
to meet everybody. My dog checks everybody. She's
got to like check them out first. Of course,
German Shepherd. It's different. And if somebody
has a chemical imbalance or a little off, she
lets me know. Oh, yeah, you got screwball friends?
Yeah, well, every now and then, you know, comics
will be off their mitts, and they'll come over
and be like, I used to know that person. I don't
know that person anymore. The dog just, like,
alerts me. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, they're
very watchful. You know, they're shepherds. They're
protecting you. They're protecting their daddy.
She's funny on the plane. Like, I've only flown
with her twice, but, you know, once to New York
and then once back after we were done on Broadway.
And she's like, it was nine months later. She
literally knew. How to walk on the plane, where
to go, where her seat was. Like, remembers everything
like a person. They're very smart dogs. Very
smart dogs. It's one of the reasons why they
need someone to exercise. Like, the dumbest dogs
can just lay around and do nothing. Yeah. But
really smart dogs, they need a lot of activity.
Especially shepherds, because they're working
dogs. If I leave her alone too long, she'll dig
up the backyard. She needs something to do. Yeah,
they get crazy. They're like an athlete. Yeah.
You know, they need work. They need to go. And
they don't need a lot of food. They don't need
a lot. She's like... What do you feed her? You
know, I used to overfeed her and give her a lot
of table scraps and spoiler, and then I learned
more recently that if I keep her to like a cup
and a half of kibble a day, the vet recommended...
You should get her on... Raw food. Raw food or
fresh food. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I used to
feed my dogs kibble, too. I had one dog that
got cancer, and I read about all these dogs getting
cancer. And, you know, they get fat so easy when
you give them kibble. And it's just because that
stuff can sit on a shelf forever. Yeah. It's
like you wouldn't eat it. Why are they eating
it? Right. It's not healthy for them. Sometimes
I put a little turkey in the— Turkey's great.
Real food is great. Real food for your dog is
the way to go. I feed my dog farmer's dog. It
comes frozen. It has to be frozen. Right. And
the way they attack it versus the way they attack
kibble, like kibble is like, okay, they're eating.
No big deal. Yeah. But they just can't wait to
eat this stuff. Like they get excited. Like the
little guy, little Charlie, he literally leaps
up in the air trying to get to the counter where
when I'm putting the food in his bowl, he gets
nuts. They love it. It's real food. It's human
grade food for dogs. I have to check that out.
Oh, yeah. It comes frozen. And also they give
it to you the right portions. for your dog so
you don't have to think about it. Like, you put
in your dog's weight, what breed your dog is,
and, you know, whether your dog's overweight
or not, and they measure it out calorie -wise
so it's specific to your dog. My dog's weight
is good, but I got to get her to stop smoking.
She's just got to stop. You know what? It's funny.
She used to really hate when I light up a joint.
Oh, really? When she was little, she'd run in
the other room, but now she's just like, oh,
that's daddy. Well, she'd probably get a little
paranoid. I used to have a pit bull that she
would get paranoid. She was in the room when
we got high. And I was realizing, oh, this poor
dog, she's getting high, too. She was a rescue
dog, too. I found her. She was covered in mane.
She was so sad. She was eating out of garbage
cans. That's heartbreaking. Yeah. A friend of
mine found her, and they took her in, and then
they called me, and they said, do you want another
dog? I had one dog already. I said, absolutely.
And as soon as I saw her, I was like, oh. Yeah.
They're good together. Yeah. It was so horrible.
She was covered in mane. She had little scabs
on her and everything. It all went away within
like two months of food. But that dog, because
of living on the street, she could never get
enough food. She was always like raiding garbage
cans and stuff. Like you'd have to lock up the
garbage can, strap it down with a bungee cord.
She would tip them over and she was never full.
Even though she would like get fat, she was never
full. Just in case. It was just, you know, she
was starving when I found her. I had the old
dog first and then the young German Shepherd.
So the old one had all these street habits like
that. And she taught him to the young dog. Like
the young dog walks down the stairs as if she
has a broken back hip. Oh, no. And she learned
how to get in the car from an old dog. So two
legs. She could leap right in. She's a kid. But
she still goes two paws up and I have to pick
her up. Yeah, that's how Marshall does it. Overprotective
like the old dog. Yeah, Marshall, I think he
probably could jump in my car, but it's like
he knows I'll just lift him up because I've done
it since he was a puppy. So we do this little
thing. I go, you ready? He puts his paws out.
I go, one, two, three. It's always one, two,
three, up. So he gets ready. Do they talk to
you? My dog howls with me in the morning. No,
Marshall only talks when he wants to come inside.
Like if he's outside, he'll just bark once at
the door just to let you know. He's really good.
He's the best dog. What does his bark sound like?
Let me in. It's like, hey, I'm out here. Come
on. You know, he's out until he's not. You know,
he's out until he's bored. And then he just lets
you know. He's not annoying. The old dog, if
I had to put her, like, if, like, a guy came
over to work on the house or something, I had
to put her, like, in a bedroom or a bathroom.
She was, you know, a big, big dog. She would
gnaw on the handles. So I have a house full of,
like, chrome. door handles that all have, like,
bite marks in it. Like, the bite is amazing.
Yeah, you got to give them things to chew on
all the time. You know, there's chew toys all
over my house. Yeah. Everywhere. My dog has,
Marshall has, like, a big box filled with toys.
Yeah. And it's like, and he just goes in and
picks one out. Yeah, randomly. Yeah. Depends
who it is. I go, what are you going to get? Which
toy? And he's, like, looking around, picks one
out. And then him and the little dog, they play
tug of war. It's adorable. They get a toy. So
they get along. Oh, my God. You knew they'd get
along before you got the psycho. He's the easiest
dog to get along with. He gets along with everything
and everybody. Jamie's got a psycho dog. Jamie's
got this little French bulldog that's like a
little meat missile. Yeah. He's a nut. He's great.
He's awesome. Oh, yeah. He's nuts. He's three.
Almost three. He's two and a half. He's a little
psycho. He's jacked. He's super jacked. Really?
He's like this little French bulldog, but he's
just fucking jacked. And him and Marshall just
play insane. It's insane. Like, Carl throws himself
through the air at Marshall. Because he knows
that Marshall's, like, super gentle, and they
just play back and forth, but it's adorable.
If a dog is small enough. like a little chihuahua
type dog, they can put their head inside. My
dog will just open her mouth and let another
dog just roll her head inside her mouth. No instincts.
Yeah, it's crazy. It just wants it to play. It's
just nuts that those used to be wolves. They've
turned wolves into these little tiny things you
could carry around. I mean, in a thousand years,
are they getting smarter the way humans are evolving?
I wonder. That's a good question. I wonder. I
mean, I think there would have to be a reason
for them to get smarter. Some dogs are, like
the dogs that are trained, like a Belgian Malinois,
those are really smart dogs. Those are military
dogs. Those dogs, you cannot just leave that
dog alone. It's like a shepherd times 10. They
look like shepherds sort of, but those dogs,
they're so intelligent. They are constantly scanning
everything and looking for everything. They know
when you're weird. They know everything. Yeah.
So those dogs have to be smart because they have
jobs, you know. They use them like those are
the dogs they sicced on like Osama bin Laden's
crew. Right. You know, they open the door and
they breach. Dogs run in. Incredible. Yeah. My
dog's such a wimp compared to all that. So's
mine. She just wants to play. Yeah, these are
the only dogs that, well, I've had a couple dogs
before. Like I had a dog that was a Shibu Inu
mix and he was kind of a pussy. And I had a Mastiff
before that. But mostly I've had like big guard
dogs. Right. These are the first dogs I've had
that are not guarding shit. Marshall's not guarding
shit. They guard your emotions, buddy. They guard
your emotions. They're just sweet. They're just
awesome to have. It's like you just have love
around you all the time, and they're never in
a bad mood. There's never a day where he's never
had a bad day in his life. Every day is a great
day. Every day he's happy. Even if you're not
there? Well, he gets sad if I'm not there for
sure. But like I pull out the ball. It's always
the same thing. It's never like one day I'm like,
maybe he's going to get bored of this fucking
ball. Nope. I pull out that ball. Oh, oh, the
ball. The ball's out. Let's go. Bouncing around,
wagging his tail, jumping up. I got a ball. It's
got like the stick. Like it's like a long curved
stick so you can throw the ball further. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, of course. And, you know, he just
starts leaping up towards the stick. He gets
so pumped. I'm like. One day he's going to get
bored of this. Nope. He's nine years old. He's
never getting bored of it. When I come up the
stairs, if she sees that I have my sneakers on,
she starts stretching like an Olympian. Let's
go. Time to go. Yeah. Dogs are awesome. People
that don't have them, I feel bad for them. Like
you're missing a lot of love in your life. Especially
like people that live alone. You know, it's like
you always have a friend. You always have someone.
I talk to my dog. Like I have conversations with
him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And there's...
does marshall look you in the eyes when you're
talking oh yeah oh yeah it's a real friend oh
he's he's like the most loving creature i've
ever encountered Do you tell the dog stuff you
wouldn't tell your family or your friends? No.
Sometimes I'm like, hey, Nipsey, man, I probably
shouldn't have said that to her. She has emotional,
like she knows when I'm happy, sad, nervous,
sick. Mostly it's baby talk. Mostly it's like,
oh, he's my buddy. He watches TV with me. Climbs
up on the couch and sits on my lap. Puts his
head on my lap. The best. Yeah. And when there's
animals on TV, he parks his head up. Yeah. You
know, because it's a big TV. And so he's like,
what the fuck is that? Is that real? He has to.
When Nipsey first came out from the desert, she
was, you know, like six, seven month old, you
know, puppy, but still a sizable dog. German
Shepherd at six months is already like a dog.
And the old dog, which was. Old, you know, on
her deathbed, but wise, street wise. She was
on the floor and the puppy was up on my bed.
It was her first night in a home. And I put on
TV. I put on House of Cards. And it was this
daunting kind of scary music. And the dog's just
watching, and it's like a shadowy figure. It
was Kevin Spacey coming down the hall, his character
coming down the hall. And as this, like, man
was revealed full screen on a big screen, Nipsey
did a backflip, fell off the bed, and ran and
hid in the closet. And the old dog, Nada, was
like, oh, boy, she had to, like, pull herself
up in her bad legs and go in the closet and tell
her to come back out. Now, listen, it's TV. It's
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.com slash joerogan. House of Cards, what a fucking
show that was. Oh, yeah. Oh, what a fucking show.
They never should have done that last season.
Once Kevin Spacey got canceled, they should have
just canceled it. It was done. Or, you know,
not. Right. Such a good fucking show. That was
a great show. It's crazy. I saw him. He was in
Israel doing some weird thing where he was, like,
doing, like, a song and dance routine in a small
club recently. Like he's been kind of reduced
to doing that for money. Is that reduced or is
that part of the comeback? You got to start.
I don't know. I mean, it's something. I mean,
I guess he's just making money. You know, he's
completely bankrupt. He lost everything. It's
crazy. Show business. Well, it's not just show
business, right? It's also what did you do? You
know, what did you get caught for? You know.
He was an old -school dick -grabber. A lot of
those old -school guys. No one really likes that,
getting their dick grabbed like that. Some gay
guys do, I think. I think what he did probably
worked on some guys. You know what I'm saying?
Right. Like, gay guys have a whole different
way of interacting with each other that we don't
have. But I think with Spacey, it was like some
of those fellas were young, and that's the problem.
It's power. It's like in the gay community, there's
a lot of guys that think it's okay for young
gay guys who are underage to hook up with older
gay guys. That's like Milo Yiannopoulos. Remember
him? He actually talked about that on my show.
He was talking about when he was 14, he hooked
up with this older guy. And he's like, trust
me, I was the predator. He was like saying that
he was going after the guy. I was like, all right.
But it's different. In their eyes, I mean, I'm
just speaking for gay guys that I've talked to.
It's different in their eyes than, you know,
an adult male and a young female. Right. You
know. But Kevin Spacey's a fucking unbelievable
actor. That fucking House of Cards was so good.
It was so good. Such a good show. I'm glad it's
still out there, you know, because there's a
lot of stuff. It was so good, it made me miss.
And re -watch West Wing. That's how good it was.
I never watched that. I think I maybe watched
one or two episodes. It's like an idealistic
version of what politics could be. Right. Martin
Sheen is like the president we wish we had. It
was a long time ago. But he's also controversial.
He's hiding a medical thing. It got way ahead
of a lot of the modern day stories. Like Biden.
Yeah. Yeah. His wife's a doctor, so she's helping
him. Well, we always have these idealistic ideas
of who we want to be our leader. And the thing
about the Kevin Spacey character was, like, that's
probably more realistic. Like, that guy is more
realistic. Well, as we get older, we understand
you've got to be cutthroat to make it. There's
got to be a certain killer instinct in a president.
You're also most likely deeply compromised by
the time you get into office. Which is the only
way you navigate those worlds. Like everybody's
compromised. Everybody's gone to that eyes wide
shut party. Right. I couldn't get in just for
the record. Yeah, me neither. I don't want to
get in. I know. That's a good thing. A dog can
kind of save your career because, like, you get
invited to some wild sex party. You'll be like,
my dog's been waiting for me for five hours.
Sorry, I can't go. Yeah, meanwhile, it's better
to just hang out with your dog. You'll have a
better time and you won't feel gross in the morning,
I guess. But I think a lot of those people are
sociopaths. They probably don't even feel gross
ever. I was out all weekend for the Fanatics
football stuff. Travis Scott's DJing till 3 in
the morning. What is the Fanatics football stuff?
They had a flag football tournament in L .A.
It was supposed to be in Riyadh, and they had
to move it to L .A. Tom Brady and the Fanatics.
What's the Fanatics? It's like, I guess it's
a branding company. They do all the jerseys.
They do all the... Oh. Michael Rubin and Michael
Ratner, two friends of mine, did this flag football
game. And I was just partying. I just took the
weekend off, and I'm, like, seeing all the football
players. And it was just so much fun. And then...
Just as the party's really getting hot, I'm like,
I miss my dog. I'm going home. Yeah, there's
always this thing in the back of your head, like,
I got to get home. He's been home alone for five
hours. He's been home alone for six hours. I'm
thinking about him. He has to pee. He's a good
boy. He's not going to pee in the house, but
he's probably holding it in and upset. Yeah.
Isn't it nuts? Like, people think, especially
comics, you know, we want to be up late, getting
drunk, fucking off. being retarded, doing drugs.
You just want to get home. Yeah. Want to get
home, chill out, relax, watch TV. I feel like
if I had a dog when I was starting out in comedy,
I would have been more disciplined. I would have
been coming home instead of staying out all night.
I kind of regret that a little bit. You regret
staying out all night? Well, I mean, you know
how it is. You do your set, you start hanging
out in the club, in the comedy club, and drinking
or eating or whatever. But there's a certain,
I don't know. You go home and you're up earlier,
you get more done the next day. Oh, absolutely.
Well, it's just you feel better. It's hard to
leave when you're having fun. It's also you feel
like you're a part of a different society, a
society of people who don't have a regular job.
You've got freedom. You're your own boss. I grew
up, I lost my parents as a teenager. So I live
every day like I could die tomorrow. So I never
want to leave. I have ultimate FOMO all the time.
I never want to miss an event, a party. I went
to the Super Bowl. I went to All -Star Weekend.
I want to go to the Grammys. I love life. I want
to make the most out of it all the time. It works
against me sometimes, I think. That's interesting,
right? It's the plus side of experiencing loss
when you're young. You really want. You really
relish life. You want to make the most out of
it. You want to enjoy it while it's here. Yeah.
Yeah. One of the things I say on my show is I
learned early on human beings were made to mourn
and move on. You can't mourn forever or a part
of you dies, and that's not fair. Right. So it
gave me this sort of zest for living. You take
that loss as a young person, you're afraid at
any second. It's hard to make long -term plans.
Are your parents still alive? Yeah, it's an amazing,
amazing blessing. And sometimes when you lose
people young, you live in the constant fear that
it's all going to fall apart. Yeah, I've lost
a lot of friends. Sometimes I look at my contact
list when I get a new phone. and you're swapping
over contacts, and I'm like, oh, fuck. I've got
like 20 dead people on my contact list. Some
of them I just keep in there. I got old phones
where Bourdain was texting me. I just kept the
phone. I'm like, I'm never throwing this phone
away. It's a bunch of friends who have just gone.
I look at Bob Saget's texts all the time. I listen
to Gilbert Gottfried's voicemails. Yeah, I know
what you mean, yeah. It just brings me right
back to that. Those two guys, those were two
tough ones. Those were two really tough ones.
There's that famous picture of me, Norm, Gilbert,
and Bob that Adam Egatt took at Jones Restaurant
in Hollywood. And I show that in my special,
and I talk about each one, do like a tribute
to Norm. I do a tribute to Gilbert, whose family
is a big part of my family now. His kids are
great kids. His daughter goes to school here
in Texas, in Austin. And there it is. There it
is. And Bob, who just became a grandfather. So
they left quite a legacy, those guys. And I really
loved them. And they would make me laugh. You
know, I would just set them up and they would
go. And I would laugh until I was dying laughing.
Fucking Norm. What a legend. The king. Such a
great guy, too. He was so funny, too. And his
clips, I don't know if it's my algorithm or what,
but you would think Norm is making comedy content
every day if you looked at my algorithm. Well,
mine, too. I think a lot of people. So, like,
people just share them because, you know, he
had so many funny things to say about everything.
And such a unique perspective. Just an unusual
state of mind. He's the best. I have a theory
that Canadians... I'm from New Jersey. So I feel
like New Jersey, I grew up as an outsider to
New York. We had a route for New York sports
teams. We had to listen to New York radio stations
as a kid, TV stations. And Canada has that with
America. Right. So I think they always feel like
comedians feel like outsiders a little bit. I
feel like Canadians kind of have that. Harland,
he's Canadian. I mean, Canadian comedians, you
could go all day. Tom Green. Yeah. Yeah. Jim
Carrey. Jim Carrey. A lot of Canadians. Caroline
Ray. And a lot more. John Candy, right? Yeah.
John Candy was a Canadian. Yeah. Martin Short.
Was he? Is he? He is. I think so. He's still
with us. Those SCTV people. That's right. Yeah.
Martin Short is... He had a rough month. He lost
somebody very close to him, but he's... Still
one of the funniest people in the world. Oh,
he was brilliant. All those fucking crazy characters.
Oh, my God. I was at a birthday party once. It
was like Paul Rudd's 50th birthday party years
ago. And I remember everybody was like, let's
do karaoke. And everybody wanted to start. Everybody
was too, like, shy to, like, do karaoke first.
And Martin Short walked up to the mic, belted
out, like, a Sinatra song, dropped the mic, and
walked out. to the valet and left just like kicked
it off and went fly me to the moon and he was
gone it's weird when you get older and you realize
how many guys have passed like Patrice comes
up in my algorithm all the time and you know
you just watch old clips I went on a binge a
few months back of him on Opie and Anthony yeah
Ruthless. He would have been the number one podcast
in the world if he was alive today. Patrice?
Yeah. If he had a podcast. Because he probably
would have. I mean, it's a perfect normal transition
from Opie and Anthony to podcasting. Right. He
would have probably had the best podcast in the
world. Except the guests would never get to talk
at all. Yeah, it wouldn't matter. He would be
dressing them down. Patrice's greatness at the
Charlie Sheen roast I always talk about is he
went on last and he was like, we booked him late.
He never wanted to do a roast. And he said, I
don't know this one. I don't know that one. And
finally I called him one day. I go, we're roasting
Charlie Sheen. He goes, oh. He goes, I don't
know Charlie Sheen, but I think I could do that.
I go, you know him. You don't know him, but you
know. And he goes, All right, I'm coming. He
dresses total rock star, like a leather suit,
like this whole fantasy Patrice in his head.
And then the day of the show, he's complaining
about his material. He's like, I don't know,
all these writers, they don't know me. This isn't
me. I go, Patrice, fuck all that. Pay attention
and roast the roast. Just roast the roast. Make
mental notes. Clock it all. Let them see you
taking it in, and then just go on and talk about
what you just saw. And that's what he did. No,
it was brilliant. Did you see Charlie Sheen's
Netflix documentary? I haven't. It's fucking
great, man. It's crazy. It's crazy. Like, he
talks about everything. He talks about the first
time he smoked crack. A girl was giving him a
blowjob when he smoked crack. How else are you
supposed to do it? He said it's the best experience
he's ever had. He says he's never topped it.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. Makes you want to try it. Makes
you, like, think, maybe. He was a fascinating
guest, too, having him in here. It's like, that
guy's been through so much shit, and he's okay.
You know, it's like, how is he alive? Some people
are just different, right? Tiger Blood? I was
on tour with him that whole time. That's right.
That's right. You were doing that thing with
him. What happened was when he got kicked off
of Two and a Half Men and he went kind of kooky,
he decided to do this whirlwind tour. And the
first one he did, he tried to go and just wing
it. Torpedo of truth. Yeah. That's what he called
it. The winging it one did not work. No. But
then when he started doing it with you and he
did it with Russell, Russell Peters did a bunch
of them with him. With comics, it actually worked.
Because, like, you would have someone to bounce
stuff off of, and they knew how to be entertaining
and keep the flow going. Right. Yeah. And then
you got into those stories, and it was amazing.
Yeah. It totally turned around. The first one
I did was in Atlantic City, and he called me
the night before. And I was in L .A. at a party.
And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, go do it, go
do it. So I caught a, like, 6 a .m. He called
you the night before? What did he say? He's like,
my shows aren't going good. I didn't know him.
He goes, you know, like, all these different
people keep telling me, Simon Rex, you know,
other friends of his kept saying, Jeff Ross could
come out and roast you and save this. So I just
wrote jokes all night. You know, left the party,
wrote jokes, caught a 6 a .m., flew. I walk into
his dressing room like an hour before. Chuck
Zito is literally staring me down going, don't
be too mean to my guy. You know, like they're
just trying to scare me. And I'm like, I'm here
to like, I'm a comedian, you know. And Charlie
was really cool. And I told his road manager,
he goes, what do you need? I go, I need. a podium
to roll out the big arenas i want to make it
like a show and i need a hazmat suit because
he'd been bombing for like a week every single
night i'm gonna come out i go i heard there's
a bomb scare i roll out it's jersey so it's my
crowd and i just start roasting him and it went
well and i was like if you're winning because
he's always like winning winning i'm like if
you're winning something's wrong with the fucking
scoreboard Old Jeff with hair, duh, winning.
Look at that. Boy, he looks so skinny. That's
a look of a guy who does coke. Look how ripped
he is. Jesus. Oh, man. He was up all night. He
was like. So he was still partying hard back
then. You know, it's hard to say. Had to be.
He didn't let me see that side of it. I'm sure
he was. There's no chance he was clean. Oh, that's
right. He was a warlock. A warlock with tiger
blood. Right. Violent Torpedo of Truth tour kicks
off in Detroit. TV star is booed offstage. Yeah.
So then after that, they kept calling and going,
can you do this date? Can you do that date? It
was like more money than I'd ever made for a
one -nighter. So I just started getting on the
bus and the plane with them. How many dates did
you guys do? I wound up doing eight. And Russell,
how many did you do? I don't know. I don't know.
So you just had different comics? Who else did
it? I don't remember anyone else but me, so that's
news to me that Russell did it. Yeah, Russell
did a few. At least one I know of. There might
have been some in Canada I didn't do. Well, Russell's
really good off the cuff. Russell's great work
in the crowd. I think Russell interviewed him.
I think Russell, like... That's how he did it?
Yeah, I think that's how he did it. Because now
it occurs to me that he had interviewers on some
of them. And he had a radio guy, and I think
maybe Russell might have done a Canadian date.
That's a smart way to do it. Have someone who's
smart and quick just interview. Because the stories
are so bananas. All you need is the stories.
And he was so open about stuff, talking about
how much crack he would smoke. Oh, yeah. It was
just so insane. And everybody was so happy that
someone was instead of hiding from the fact that
they fucked their life up, they were like celebrating
that they were off the rails. And everyone was
like, tiger blood. I remember even Diego Sanchez,
who was fighting in the UFC, was saying he had
tiger blood. That's how popular it was getting.
Yeah, he was a thing. Yeah, it was a thing. But
it was a new thing, right? It was a movie star
who had gone off the rails and was like celebrating
it and being open and honest in interviews about
prostitutes, cocaine, chaos, everything, all
the above. Yeah. It was a totally new experience
for the general public because before, if someone
had an addiction problem, it was like, oh, so
sad. Right. He was doing coke and, you know,
my life had fallen apart and then I found Jesus.
Right. You know, it's like always one of those
things. He wasn't on an apology tour. He went
on a fuck you tour. Yeah, 100%. And no one had
ever done that before. No one had ever done a
fuck you tour before. I mean, it was a little
ill -advised, the first ones, you know, when
he went on by himself. Like, that was a terrible
idea. Right. You can't just wing it. And when
you're on Coke, you think you could do anything.
Or he would take questions, but there's 15 ,000
people yelling at him. Right. If you're going
to take questions, it would have to be a person
who's a moderator. Right. Who has a microphone
and talks to another person and is there so they
can keep it from going off the rails. And a line
of people. You can't just have people yelling
out things in the audience. One night. One night.
Somebody wanted his money back, and he brought
the guy up and gave him his money back. And then,
of course, like 400 people stood up like, I want
my money back. Oh, no. He would hear the audience
too much. Yeah. Well, no experience with that
kind of stuff. If you think you could just do
live audience and deal with 15 ,000 people's
different personalities, then you don't know
what that's like. Good luck. We wound up doing
eight shows, and I would always roast them. So
by the eighth show, I had 20 minutes of Charlie
Sheen material. Every city, I'd add jokes. So
that's when I was like, why don't we just do
this on TV? I mean, we have the roast, and then
we did the Comedy Central roast. Nice. Patrice
and all that. And Mike Tyson was at that one.
It's a really interesting career arc. Well, if
you know his story, he was on the set of Apocalypse
Now with his father when he was 10. Right. And
then 10 years later, he was doing, what was the
fucking movie? His fucking big war movie. Jesus
Christ. Platoon. He was doing Platoon when he
was 20. Yeah. Which is nuts. 10 years later.
Yeah. I mean, he's doing the next iconic war
movie. Right. And he's a 20 -year -old kid. And
then all of a sudden, he's a fucking superstar.
Right. He was great in that movie. And he's just
off the rails. Just like no restrictions. He's
rich. He's young. He's handsome. He's just going
crazy. Doing drugs. But he made it through it
all. That's what's nuts. I got to check that
doc out. It's great. He's a great interview,
too. Like having him on the podcast was fucking
great. He's a really nice guy. He's very cool
and honest about it all. You know, and he's also
like, hey, you know, I can still act. Like how
about I've fucking paid my dues. I've been sober
for seven years. Like give me a shot. Yeah. He
can still act. He's a good actor. I hope someone
does do something like that. Because I feel like
if one big movie came along, like maybe Tarantino
could put him in because he's the master at reviving
careers. What he did with Travolta and Pulp Fiction.
Pulp Fiction, like Travolta was dead on the operating
table in his career before Pulp Fiction. Pulp
Fiction came along and boom, he's back. Because
they realized like, oh shit, John Travolta. John
Travolta can fucking act. And that role was perfect
for him. Vince, he played this crazy hit man
with Samuel Jackson. The best. Fucking, what
a movie. I watch it all the time. Yeah, it completely
revived his career. Yeah, he's the, like, Quentin
Tarantino is like the master of seeing things
that other people don't see. You know, he's like,
that guy's still great. Yeah. And I think that's
like the case with Charlie. Like, someone's got
to come along and see. And just go, I just need
to get him a role where he just can really sink
his teeth into it and he'll fucking kill it.
Especially now at this stage of his life where
he knows how important it is. He'll throw himself
into it. It would be fucking amazing. Like some
people don't act for a long time. And then look
what Sean Penn just did. And he came back after
God knows how long and just did this. Totally
iconic, unrecognizable, strange character. I
didn't see that movie. I've heard all these mixed
reviews. Whatever, it's interesting to see Sean's
take on this soldier. Look, Sean Penn's out of
his fucking mind, but that's the kind of guy
that makes a great actor. He's a great actor.
Ditch the Oscars to go see. Yeah, go to Ukraine.
It's so cool. Go hang out. Go hang out with my
boy Zielinski and do coke. To that pure Russian
coke. I like how you think that's what they were
doing. I'm just guessing. I'm just taking a wild
guess. But that guy, I mean, how about him? Like,
goes and fucking meets the drug lord. What's
his name? What's wrong with my brain today, Jamie?
What the fuck's his name? The dude he met in
Mexico. The guy who got arrested. El Chapo. El
Chapo, thank you. Went down and met El Chapo,
and that's how El Chapo wound up getting arrested.
Right. He wanted to meet Sean Penn. He wrote
an article for Rolling Stone. He was a journalist.
Right, I remember. I mean, what fucking movie
star goes down and meets El Chapo? By the way,
that shirt, Conor McGregor bought a shirt that's
exactly like that shirt and recreated that pose
with... I forget who he shook hands with, but
it was like this funny inside joke that a lot
of people didn't catch. It's like, why is he
wearing that shirt? And people realize, oh, my
God, he's wearing the El Chapo shirt. Oh, my
God. He bought a similar shirt. He's like literally
doing that. Oh, my gosh. So silly. He dressed
as gangster El Chapo. He's literally doing the
thing. But he did it on purpose. Nuts. I mean,
it takes insane balls to be a world -famous actor
and decide I'm going to go meet a drug lord in
Mexico and write an article for Rolling Stone.
He's an adventurer. I guess. Acting's a part
of him, not all of him. I mean, he must be. He's
in fucking Ukraine. Like, what does he do? I
remember being at a party, Eddie Vedder's birthday
party, and Sean Penn walked in with Stormy Daniels.
Like, he has friends from the most diverse places.
That's funny. Zelensky, Stormy. Have you seen
Kyle Dunnigan's face swap things with Trump and
Stormy Daniels? So funny. Oh, my God. They're
so funny. So funny. Kyle Dunnigan. He's another
guy that got revived by Kill Tony or really got
the world got to see him. We covered his face
swap videos a bunch of times on the podcast and
blew them up. To see him as these characters,
like when he plays RFK Jr., when he plays Elon,
that is what really kicked off Kyle's career.
Dude, his RFK is so fun. Is Elon so good? That's
when he first started doing the face swap. This
is the best. My text chain's always sharing his
stuff. Is Bill Maher? Because Bill Maher is amazing.
Because his jokes are funny about it. I tried
to play the Bill Maher impression with Bill Maher
when he was in here. He goes, if you play it,
I'll leave. Why does he care? Because he doesn't
hang out with comics enough. He's out there doing
his show, hanging out with political people,
being all serious. It's like you kind of forget.
He just wants to be a, what do you call it, a
contrarian. I was on his podcast, and he literally.
He just wanted to fight about anything. I go,
the Ramones are great. He's like, no, they're
not. I'm like, all right, man. Rock and roll
high school is not great? Come on, son. The look,
the crazy hair. All of it. The Ramones is one
of the greatest. The Ramones ruled. They were
ruled. They wrote a song over two minutes and
five seconds. How can you say they're not great?
It's nice to go see them in college, man. You
don't have to like it. You got to admit, there's
a reason why people love them. Right. Yeah. You
know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. People are so
weird when they want to say something sucks.
Like, I was having an argument with someone.
There's, like, Taylor Swift's all dumb music.
I go, no, it's not. It's not. She's got some
great songs. No Body, No Crime, a great fucking
song. She's got great songs. By the way, I respect
anybody who writes their own music and produces
their own music. Also, it's like... Do you think
you're smarter than everybody who loves her?
Like, she's literally got more fans than anybody
alive, and you think they're all wrong? That's
kind of crazy. Like, you don't have to like it.
You don't have to like it. But there's, like,
people have closed minds. I met her at an Oscars
party last weekend, and she introduced herself.
Is she cool? I was talking to Travis for a few
minutes, and she said, hi, I'm Taylor. You know,
I was a little starstruck. I don't know, musicians
are the last thing for me. Like, I really respect.
And she was super cool, man. She was really cool,
actually. And I told her that I went to her Eris
show. Did you really? She said she watches the
roasts. Oh, that's funny. It was pretty cool,
actually. That's awesome. I wonder when they
make love if they wear helmets, those two. Why
do you think they wear helmets? Just saying.
It's got to be wild. You think so? Travis and
Taylor. I mean, it's all sweet and passionate.
Maybe. I hope so. That's what I think. You have
your fantasies. I have mine. Shoulder pads, cleats.
Yeah. Going for it on AstroTurf. He's a nice
guy. Is he? Has he been in here? No, never met
him. He'd be a good. Good dude? Yeah. It's interesting
when people are public, like a public relationship
like that, two super famous people. It's like
that's a lot of pressure. And then you put it
all out there in the world and like everybody's
judging you. it's hard enough to keep a relationship
together but keep a relationship together when
you have to field everyone's opinions of you
especially like taylor swift because how many
songs does she have about ex -boyfriends right
it's like geez if you break up with her the diss
track of the universe is coming your way yeah
right kendrick drake that just don't break up
with taylor exactly yeah but it's just like You're
doing it in front of the world, and you're inviting
all of the shittiest people in the world to have
their opinions about you. It's like, blech. It's
a lot of pressure. Look at freaking Timberlake
this weekend. That really pissed me off. What
happened? They released a two - or three -year
-old video of him getting a DUI. Yeah. Oh, I
did see that. Why does that need to be out there?
How is that a legal thing to take a video of
someone being arrested? Why is that? Because
he's a public figure? Why isn't that private?
I don't understand. And there was nothing outrageous
about it. They're just hassling this guy and
bringing up old news. It really bugged me. I
mean, there was nothing outrageous about it.
I mean, he was very calm and relaxed, and they
arrested him for DUI. They asked him a few questions.
There was nothing about it that was like, oh,
look at Justin Timberlake. He's off the rails.
He's acting crazy. It was like he had a few drinks,
probably shit in a drove. Drove. Got caught.
That's it. Right. It happens to a lot of people.
Yeah. And whatever. Just because he's famous
or whatever. He wasn't acting like an asshole.
He didn't do anything terrible. And everybody
wants like, ew, look at him. He got caught. Right.
You have so much money and you still got caught.
Right. You know, obviously get a driver, dude.
You're going to get drunk. Right. It's not that
hard. He was tooling around the Hamptons. They
thought he was fine. Yeah. That's probably it,
right? That's where all the rich people drink
and drive. I don't get having to torture somebody
by releasing the video. Well, I mean, all he
has to do is just not be online for a few days
and it'll go away. But it's like, why is it okay
to release that? Why is that a public record
thing? Unless there's like some, even if there's
a case, that should be something that gets released
in court. No, they release it as a public information.
What? Right. Why? I don't know. Why? Because
he sings? Because we live in a cruel fucking
world. That's why. Yeah. We live in a place where
people enjoy cruelty. Well, it's like you look
at him, you know, he's like super famous, married
to, what's her name? Who's he married to? Jessica
Biel. Beautiful woman. Yeah. Right? He's got
this perfect life. He's rich. He's famous. He
can dance. He can sing. He's tall. He's handsome.
He's a star when he was young. Fuck that guy.
You know, that's how everybody is. Like, oh,
look, he was drunk. Yeah, yeah. Bitch, you've
been drunk before, too. Shut the fuck up. Right.
And if you haven't, fuck you. If you've never
been drunk, fuck you. Unless, like, your dad
was an alcoholic and, you know, understanding
circumstances. But it's like, why is that something
that people are— I saw it. It came across my
news feed, and I looked at it for a few seconds.
I was like, there's something outrageous about
this. Did you see Alan Richman, though? The guy
who plays Reacher, he beat the fuck out of some
guy in front of some kids today. Yeah, or yesterday.
It was crazy. That guy's a giant dude. You know
that show Reacher? Yeah, I heard of it. He's
fucking huge and jacked, and he was riding dirt
bikes, and he got in some altercation with his
neighbor, and someone filmed it. And, you know,
he's this hulking guy. I don't know what the
circumstances were. Maybe the guy deserved it.
Maybe the guy was a piece of shit. Maybe the
guy came after him first. But all you see in
the video is him beating this guy up. And, you
know, he's fucking this tank of a man. He's huge.
He's like 250 pounds. And he's beating some guy's
ass. And then he gets back on his motorcycle.
He's doing it in front of kids, too, which is
kind of crazy. Violence. Well, it's also, it's
like, why you, I don't know what happened, so
I don't really want to comment on the extenuating
circumstances. This is according to the TMZ article.
Right. He was pushed off the bike by the man.
Oh, the guy pushed him off the bike. Okay. Well,
then that guy's just trying to get it. You want
to see the video? Let's watch the video. So watch
the video. Like, so this is after he already
beat the guy's ass. I don't, I'm not going to
show it. So he's punching the dude. The other
guy's a big guy, too. He might have just had
a dicky neighbor. Boy, neighbors, and especially
if you've got a homeowner's association, they're
some fucking shitheads. So if the guy pushed
him off the bike, I kind of understand. If the
guy pushed him off the bike, he's lucky. That's
all he did to him. This could be eight -year
-olds. Yeah, those little kids. You can replace
this with tricycles. But those little kids that
are there, too, and he's yelling at them and
pointing at them. But if you really did push
him off the bike, that guy's a piece of shit.
And he's lucky. And look, he's an idiot. Because
even after he beat his ass, he's still getting
in his face. And he's still talking shit. Okay.
Well, that's a different story. Well, that's
good. That's good to know. Yeah, fuck that guy.
Don't push someone off a bike because the dirt
bikes were loud and they were in the neighborhood.
Turn your TV up. Shut the fuck up. People are
just so into everybody's business. I've watched
so many videos of homeowners associations yelling
at people for doing whatever, parking an old
car in your driveway. People always love to tell
people what they can and can't do. I've had homeowners
associations before. I don't know if you've ever
dealt with that. It is a fucking nightmare. You
have to sit down and talk to these dorks who
tell you what you should and shouldn't do with
your fence. Yeah. How high are your hedges? Dude,
I had a situation once where there was all these
wrought iron fences in my neighborhood. And I
repaired my fence and I replaced it with a different
wrought iron fence. And they said, you can't
have wrought iron fences. We have a new rule.
It has to be equestrian fence. I said, but there's
no consistency. I said, the entire neighborhood
has wrought iron fences. They said, it doesn't
matter. I said, well, let's go to court. I go,
I don't give a fuck. I go, I'll sue you. I go,
I have money. I go, let's go to court. I go,
I'm not taking my fucking fence down. And they're
like, you're going to take your fence down. I
go, you're not going to tell me anything. You're
not going to tell me what to do. Just because,
I go, it looks great. It's not like it's a blight
on the neighborhood. The house is beautiful.
Shut the fuck up. And eventually I won. Did you
have to sue? Well, I threatened to sue and they
backed off because they were afraid of suing.
They were afraid of lawsuits because then they
would have to use the homeowners association
funds to do this. And it didn't make any sense.
I talked to a lawyer about it. I said, does this
make any sense? He goes, no, there's a precedent
in the neighborhood. Like every third house had
wrought iron fencing. And it wasn't like it wasn't
good looking. Like it was beautiful. It was new.
It was clean. I had a reputable company build
it. There's nothing wrong with it. And I was
replacing wrought iron fence with more wrought
iron fence. It was just better. It was like the
fence was broken. It looked shitty. It was like,
you know, they get rusty where they connect,
and I had to get it replaced. So what on earth
was their problem? Just cunts. Cunts. This is
how cunty they are. I had a neighbor who lived
across the street. He told me that I had to trim
my trees and thin them out so that he could see
the view in the distance. And I said, what are
you talking about? And he said, we have a regulation
that says you can't obstruct the view. I go,
these trees have been here for 50 years. And
then I talked to the guy who sold me the house.
He's like, that asshole was trying to do that
with me, too. Just tell him to fuck himself.
He's just a weird guy. He built an observation
deck at the top of his hill in his backyard so
he could see the lights of the city in the distance.
And he wanted you to cut your trees down so you're
obstructing the view. I go, your house is obstructing
my view of this hill. I like to look at hills.
Is that what we're going to do? Take your house
down. You take your house down, I'll trim these
trees. Fuck you, man. Tell him to lift his house
up. He's like, oh, so it's going to be like that.
I go, going to be like what? You want me to cut
trees down so you can see? You don't have a view,
man. You're not on the edge of the hill. You're
back set. This is what the view looks like from
where you are. This house has been here before
your house was there. Go eat shit. But you could
have asked nice and maybe you would have done
something. I wouldn't have done a fucking thing.
It didn't make any sense. It's just people want
to tell people what to do. Like I was reading
this article where this homeowners association
hired a tow company to go around the neighborhood
and tow all the cars that had expired tags. Can
you imagine? Like your tag's expired. Like, ah,
fuck, I'll get to it. I'm busy. I'll get to it
next week. You just run it around. And then all
of a sudden they tow your car. Like, fuck you,
man. Like, fuck you. It's just people love to
tell other people what to do. And homeowners
associations, when they get power, they become
like the little hall monitors of the neighborhood.
You know, your grass is unruly. It's supposed
to be two inches. It's four. Just people. People
love to do that. They love to tell people what
to do and what not to do. I have one neighbor
who kind of runs the whole block. She puts everyone
on an email chain and she's pretty she leads
with love But she looks out for everybody. Well,
as long as I'm looking out. It's not bad It's
just like nonsense like the guy wanted me to
trim the trees He wanted me to thin out my tree.
You want me to chop the trees down? He goes no,
I just want you to thin them out. You can thin
them out I go what you what are you talking about?
Chop all the leaves off so that you could see
lights in the distance It was like the dumbest
conversation. And he realized while we're in
the middle of the conversation how dumb this
is. Right. And then we never talked again. And
I would see him occasionally. Isn't there a safety
issue with trimming your trees, like thinning
them out? Fire? Well, I mean, where we were,
there was the real issue is brush. The real issue
is the ground, you know, dried brush on the ground.
We were evacuated from where I live three times
from fires. Down here. No, this is in California.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I lived in California,
the last big fire in 2018, we lost three houses
in front of our house. And my neighbor's house
caught on fire. But I had one, my crazy friend
Bud would not leave the neighborhood. They evacuated
the whole neighborhood. He wouldn't leave. He's
like, I'm staying. He's like, I'm staying. I'm
going to save my house. I'm going to save other
people's houses. And he fucking did. He saved
his house. He saved my neighbor's house. He checked
my neighbor's house. The roof was on fire. He
got water on it. He called the fire department.
There was fire departments that were like trying
to put out fires in the neighborhood the moment
they started. And they hosed his roof down. Because
embers will fly and they land. Got it in L .A.
and had to evacuate for one day. It's spooky,
man. The fires in California are no joke, man.
It's really weird to see when it happens because
you realize how nature is completely in control
when that happens. Just this storm of flames
that comes over the hills. It's wild. It's wild
and it cannot be controlled. And once it starts,
it's just a matter of trying to contain it and
a certain amount of houses are just going to
go no matter what depending on which way the
wind blows. But that wasn't what the problem
was. This guy was just a cunt. It's a homeowners
association thing. It's just like people that
think they, like, there was a, I'm still a part
of this email group that, you know, I'm still
on the email of the homeowners association. One
of the guys poisoned one of the people in the
homeowners association's dogs. Yeah, like they
got in some sort of a dispute about something.
This guy poisoned his fucking dogs. Wow. Yeah,
you evil cocksucker. Wow. But it's like that
kind of thing. It's these people that just want
to control their neighbors, man. It's so weird.
Like one of my neighbors. What's the punishment
for that? He should be shot. You fucking piece
of shit. That's like killing a family member.
You should have to eat whatever he gave those
dogs. You should go to jail. For sure. I don't
know what happened. I don't know if they caught
the guy. I don't think they know exactly who
did it. They had no video evidence. The person
who lived there apparently didn't have good security
cameras. But it's so weird. Like they would get
mad at someone for the way they designed their
house. And I was like, what do you give a fuck?
And he's like, this is like one of my neighbors
built a house and my other neighbor. What do
you think about his house? I go, the house. I
don't care. And he's like, I think it's ugly.
And this house is going to lower our property
values. I go, what are you fucking talking about?
Your house looks great. You have a beautiful
house. You think people are going to pay less
for your house because this house is boring?
Like this doesn't make any sense. But it's just
people, they nitpick. When they have control,
when people have control over other people's
situation, like they don't have control over
their own life and their life is just a sloppy
mess. They always like to look at other people's
lives. And I don't like where he puts his dumpsters.
He's a hater. Yeah. We all confront that all
the time. It's not just a hater. It's a hater
with power because of homeowners associations.
And from that moment on, I decided I will never
buy a home with a homeowners association. Never.
No fucking chance. I don't care how cool they
are because someone not cool can move in and
then it becomes a nightmare. I will never have
conversations with those kind of people where
they tell you what you could do with your lawn.
Like, fuck you. When I was a young comic, I lived
with my grandfather in the house that I grew
up in, and we would never, ever, ever mow the
lawn. We just didn't have any money. We didn't
care, and everyone in our neighborhood just hated
us. They would heckle us and yell at us. So I
guess I've been the eyesore, and now I'm on the
other side of it. My grandfather lived in the
same house that he bought in the 1940s. And when
he bought it in the 1940s, this was in an all
-Italian neighborhood in Newark. And then they
started doing... You were born in Newark? Newark,
New Jersey. No shit. Let's go. That's where I
learned karate. Is that really? From detectives
in Newark. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, people don't
know. You're a black belt in Taekwondo. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. That's wild. Do you still do
it at all? I mean, I work out, like, you know,
not with people, but I know my moves, and I do
a few in the new Netflix special. I throw some
kicks for fun and tell the story about getting
a black belt starting at six, getting bullied,
my mom dragging me to the house with empty hands.
That was what it was called. Ronnie Roselli,
Newark detective, teaching me karate, almost
like a father figure. Oh, that's awesome. Gave
me confidence. self -respect, respect for others
taught me that hard work pays off. You know,
when you get a black belt at 10 and a half, you
go, wow, maybe I could be something in my life.
If I work as hard as I did at that, maybe I could
be good at something else too. Yeah, for sure.
I mean, it teaches you a lot about like. The
belt system is really good because you get rewarded
for your work and then you see a tangible result.
Instead of just like, ooh, I'm getting better,
it's like, ooh, there's a ceremony. I've reached
a new level. Now I have to be. Some of my most
cherished memories are those ceremonies. My dad
and mom watching me get my brown belt, blue belt,
brown belt, and black belt, competing in tournaments
all over the East Coast. Isn't that awesome?
What was his name, Gary? There's this karate
guy. Gary Alexander. He threw East Coast tournaments,
and I used to compete. I still have a room, half
a dozen karate trophies in my house. That's awesome.
It's the best time of my life. I lost most of
my stuff, but I do have a bunch of medals that
I still have that are in my drawer by my bed.
A bunch of medals from the day. But it seems
weird when I pick them up. They don't even seem
real. It's from another life. Oh, it's another
life. Like, I don't even... Until I, like...
hit a bag or something like that i almost forget
that i could do it you know and then i do it
i'm like oh right still got it i like blah i
i like my kicks i can front snap kick i can't
side kick i can barely roundhouse at this point
but it's like why not i got a belly i've there's
no real good reason other than i'm just you know
You ever thought about starting to take classes
again? I do think about it. I probably could.
Yeah. You're good at pushing me to do stuff like
that. It'd be good for your health. Just take
a class a couple times a week. What would I take?
If I was a black belt in taekwondo. Take taekwondo.
Just start taking that again. Yeah. I mean, you're
doing it for exercise. It's not like you're going
to fight in the UFC. No. Just go and start, you
know. You'd probably. feel it a little bit and
then you remember what you used to be able to
do and so your muscle memory would kick in. Yeah.
You'd start probably watching your diet a little
bit better. Right, right, right. Drinking more
water. Yeah. Taking vitamins. Next thing you
know, four or five months have gone by, and now
your waist is thinner. Your kicks are snappier.
You're going to three classes a week instead
of two. You feel better. People go, Jeff, look
at you. You're looking great. Like, yeah, I started
taking taekwondo again. Yeah, it's not a bad
idea. I guess I wouldn't wear my black belt.
I would feel like I was disrespecting the art.
So I'd have to re -earn that. Well, you could
always take a totally new style and start out
as a white belt. You know, you take, like, Kyokushin,
the shirt I'm wearing right now, George St. Pierre.
Take something else. Just take something near
you, like Krav Maga. Like, take anything. My
manager, Amy, told me she was your publicist
when you were on the cover of Black Belt magazine.
Oh, yeah. Amy's V. Yeah. Yeah, way back in the
dizzay. I love that. That's so funny. Yeah. I
mean, I never stopped working out. I just don't.
It's too much of a part of my brain. Like, my
mind doesn't operate well if I have days. Even
if I just take a couple days off, I don't feel
right. I feel squirrely. I feel like I'm not
balanced, you know? Sometimes I just like to
stand in front of a mirror and just throw blocks
and just make sure that I like the way that it
feels and just do it. It's meditative. Yeah.
Yeah. You know what I used to love doing, especially
when I lived in California? I'd take a couple
bong hits and just hit the bag. And just, like,
feel it. Just... Just start feeling it. Just...
Do you? Do you remember all those? I remember
at least the first two, I think. God, I used
to hate those things. I didn't think... I was
young and immature, and I didn't understand the
value of forms. I used to think that this is
pointless. This isn't fighting. I only wanted
to practice fighting technique. But now I understand.
It teaches you body control. Like, you know,
you throw a sidekick and you snap it up in the
air and you hold it and you turn and block and
all that stuff. Like, it teaches you body. It's
almost like a form of yoga, you know, and it
teaches you to control your body. I do a lot
of kicks in the air now, and I do them slowly.
It's really good for your control and your balance.
And I didn't think that when I was younger. I
thought that was like a waste of time. I thought
like really what's important is like hitting
things really hard and being fast. And now I
realize like, no, no, no, no. There's like a
lot of value even to help your techniques and
to be able to hit things hard. Like do it slowly
and just have full control of your balance and
your movement. So I like to do that. I like to
do, like, slow kicks. That's why I like yoga.
Yoga's amazing. Yeah. I feel like that's akin
to martial arts. It makes me high. Yoga is, like,
the best high. You take your shoes off. Oh, yeah.
Your phone is gone. You're so relaxed when it's
over. It's just about your body and control.
You're so calm. Yeah. Yeah. Yoga's so good for
your brain. Usually on Mondays when I'm here,
I would go with Tony to his high yoga. Yeah,
oh, Tony loves it. Yeah, he raves about his yoga.
He told me he's been off it a little bit. He
has. Well, you know, the thing about Tony is,
like, he's so focused on Kill Tony right now
because the momentum is so extraordinary, and
he realizes that. Like, Tony's really aware that
he's in a very rare moment in his life where
things are going so well, so he's got his foot
on the gas. Yeah, of course. And he's got his
new special that he filmed that he's editing
right now, Get Ready to Release. I'm so proud
of him, man. He's earned it. I always told him
he would take a different path than a normal
entertainer. He always had this kind of odd trajectory.
Well, he's an odd guy. Yeah. You'd swear he's
gay, and he's not. But he's an awesome person.
People who don't know Tony, they see the outside
of him. Of course. As a friend, he's a great
friend. Of course. He's a great guy. I love that
guy to death. We're always checking on each other.
He's the best. He was so happy. He was the first
one to text me when I knew I was coming down
here. When I was workshopping my show, he came
and saw it in Austin. He came to the opening
night on Broadway in New York. He's like there
for his friends. 100%. Well, that's the beautiful
thing about Kill Tony is it's all about supporting
people and giving people careers. I mean, he's
given so many people careers and pumped so many
people up. I mean, he's really – that thing,
that Kill Tony thing is also – it is, in my opinion
– well, first of all, for our club, it's the
cornerstone of the club. It's one of the most
important things about the Mothership because
having Kill Tony at the Mothership every Monday
night lets all these people that are upcoming
comedians see what it's like to have one minute
that you've polished and worked on really well
and it kills, and then you pop, and then all
of a sudden – You know, it's on YouTube. It's
got 11 million views. And then, you know, maybe
it's on Netflix. And it's got millions and millions
of people watching all around the world. And
then all of a sudden people come to see you in
the clubs. And you're selling out weekends. And
you're writing. And then you get a golden ticket.
You've got to do a new minute every week. You're
a regular. I mean, it's really. A new minute.
My show comes on tonight. It's 90 minutes. It
might be the longest stand -up special in Netflix
history. Well, your show is like a one -man show.
90. It's a little different, right? I haven't
seen it, but I've heard great things. Yeah. You're
going to love it. I'm sure I will. I think you're
going to like it because it's about us. It's
about comedy and the community of what we do.
It's an embattled community, and it has its detractors,
and it has a bunch of haters and a bunch of shitheads
in it. But for the most part, as far as creative
communities, it's one of the most supportive
communities ever. I mean, it's an amazing, the
community of comics, like real comics that are
all, that when we meet up in clubs, it's always.
hug like people think like we're all like angry
bitter like no you know the tears of a clown
it's not there's a few people like that and they
always make me sad but the reality is like most
of us are super happy to see each other it's
always hugs and laughing and watching each other's
sets and giving each other tags and and telling
each other like oh that fucking new bit is amazing
it's like it's so supportive i was at your club
last night and it was like Comics come in to
say hi. I brought some extra chicken wings. Jamar
was there. It was just fun. Moses was doing roast
battle. I sat in on that. Then I went outside,
said hi to some people, and went upstairs and
did a spot. It's like... I don't have a wife
and kids to go home to. This is what I do. This
is the people that I love. The comedians are
my kids, my cousins, my uncles, my aunts, you
know? Well, I do have a wife and kids, but it's
still my other family. It's like the family of
comedians, it's like a band of brothers and sisters.
It's like a weird kind of friendship that, you
know, it's like only they know what you do. Only
they understand that it's like 10 years before
you're even any good. 10 years. If you're out
there and you're headlining a club and you're
on the road, you fucking put in that work. There's
no shortcuts. It's impossible to have a shortcut.
You just got to grind. I learned over time, I
don't want a shortcut. I like the process. That's
what I live for. We have a roast coming up May
10th. It's not about May 10th. It's about I can't
wait to hang in the writer's room again. I can't
wait to figure out who's coming. I can't wait
to figure out the seating. Who are we going to
make fun of? Who's going to be in the front?
What am I going to wear? It is the grind that's
exciting. There's no finish line. The finish
line doesn't exist. You'll have little finish
lines like you do a special, like your special
that's coming out. That's a finish line. But
it's only a stop. Right. You're stopping to get
water. But where is the finish line, Joe? Like,
okay, so I did the Broadway show. Then I shot
it. Then I edited it. But now I'm here still
talking about it. And then in a month from now,
two months from now, someone will stop me at
the airport and go, hey, my kid was sick. I was
in the hospital. I watched your thing. And it
made me laugh for five minutes. So all of it
is, there's no finish line. No, there's no finish
line. If you're sitting around going. I hope
I win the Oscar. Tom Cruise is jealous of George
Clooney, and George Clooney is jealous of Brad
Pitt. There's no finish line. There's no finish
line. I have a big neon, like you have the neon.
I have a big neon in my house that just says,
enjoy the process. Yeah. That's where I'm at.
Yeah. Trust it. Trust the process and enjoy it.
And that's the weird thing about when you release
a special and then you have nothing. And then,
you know, you have to, like, scour your brain
for what you want to talk about. I took, like,
a whole month off of stand -up after my last
special. I didn't do any stand -up. Maybe more
than a month. And I just thought. I said, let
me just think. Just, like, no pressure. Let me
just think. Like, what is interesting to me?
What do I want to talk about? Instead of just
rushing to try to put together a new hour. Right.
Let me just think for a while. You know, and
I'd come to the club every now and then and watch.
Watch guys do sets. But I didn't do any sets
for a while. I'm in that zone right now. It's
nice. You know what? Scary. When I first finished
the special, it was years of material building
with a through line and a story. And then when
it was over, I was a little bit lost. Like, I'd
go to the comedy cellar. I was still in New York.
I couldn't let go of some of the... And I was
like, I need to stop doing this material. And
then I felt like... i had no purpose like i i
didn't want to talk about anything and i said
it to my buddy kai and he goes dude relax you're
between albums like he put it in musical sense
for me he's like you're like a musician between
albums absorb some new things see some movies
go on a trip have some new life experiences and
then i was like yeah that's probably a break
after doing the same thing the same kind of hunk
for years your your body your brain like think
about something else absorb new download new
influences. And that's kind of where I'm at.
And then, of course, Kevin was like, I'll get
roasted. And I was like, all right, I can put
stand -up away for another two months and just
write that. Yeah. So I go back into roast mode,
which gives me – I'm like a dog who needs a job.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of the same
thing as your dog. It really is. It's like you
need a task. If you're just doing nothing, like
the idea of like, oh, one day I'm going to retire
and just relax. Like, bitch, you'll go crazy.
Did you see we're roasting Kevin Hart? That's
what I heard. Are you supposed to say that though?
Yeah. Are you supposed to talk about it? I am.
Okay. You're allowed to? My show. Okay, because
I was told not to tell people about it. We're
doing it. May 10th, baby. Mother's Day, live
on Netflix. So you're officially announcing it.
Yeah. Okay, I can talk about it now. At the forum.
Because I was told about it, but I was told I
was not supposed to tell anybody about it. I
don't know who told you that. Some people. They
said keep it under wraps. Oh, it's already a
thing. Yeah, they announced it this weekend,
I think. Oh, hosted by Shane Gillis. Let's fucking
go. Nice. That's awesome. That's awesome. Sweet,
right? Kevin is so pumped up. That's awesome.
That's going to be fun. Dude, he's out. These
Netflix fucking, the Tom Brady one was insane.
That was so good. That was so good. That kind
of like juiced comedy back up again because it
was so wild. It was like the jokes were so wild.
It was so raw. Yeah. And we had gone through
this, like, weird period of, like, people getting
canceled for jokes. Right. And, you know, it's
like all of a sudden, like, no, that's gone.
No, no, no. I said to him, I've been big game
hunting Tom Brady for years. It took a couple
years. He retired, unretired, but I kept him
on the line. And finally we were shooting promos,
and I was like, why are you doing this? Because
I could tell it's starting to heat up and some
heavy hitters were signing on. I go, why are
you doing that? It wasn't for the money. And
he goes, I want to bring comedy back. I'm sick
of the woke bullshit and cancel. I want to make
comedy fun again. He understood that. And I caught
him on a Super Bowl Sunday. He was playing in
the Super Bowl. And I saw him looking at some
jokes on Instagram that I posted. And I'm like...
This is where he goes to relax. He goes to the
roast. And I'd heard that. So as I was like,
he won the game, and I was like, I think it's
time. And then we reeled him in, and he did it.
And I will admit, that roast was harsher than
even I expected. It was vicious. I mean, it was
a bloodbath. And I saw Tom the other day, and
I said, it's time to take your win. You know,
he was like, it was so harsh. It was tough on
my family. I go, I get all that. But you wanted
to do it to bring comedy back. You did that.
1 .6 billion viewing minutes. Emmy nominated
against the Oscars and the Super Bowl. It was
the most watched thing in the history of Netflix.
Right. You know how nuts that is? Think about
how many things are on Netflix. That roast was
the most watched thing in the history of Netflix.
And it was because it was so funny. It wasn't
just because it was Tom Brady, which, of course,
made a lot. But it wasn't just because all these
great comics were on it, which, of course, meant
a lot. Right. It was so good. It was so good
that people were telling people about it. Yeah.
And it's like a great Super Bowl. It's going
to be around forever. Yes. Netflix leaves it
up. Like the Charlie Sheen roast. We were talking
about Patrice. Yeah. They're always going to
be there. It's going to be there forever. I do
think. All respect to Tom, I do think this one
with Kevin and Shane Gillis is going to top it.
Really? I think it's not quite a sequel, but
it's its own thing. It's going to be the greatest
roast of all time. Netflix is the place for roast
now because as great as Comedy Central was, you
had restrictions on language and content. Right.
And it was editing. Yes, editing. And commercials.
Right. Yeah. Right. This is buck wild. Buck wild.
Yeah. Netflix is fucking amazing. I mean, what
an insane platform that you have. You could never
get bored. If you're bored in this life, like
you're bored, you don't have anything to watch.
Like, are you crazy? Yeah. There's so much shit
to watch. Only boring people are bored, right?
Yeah. Or people are uninformed. But I mean, even
in this day and age, you could just, you know,
do an internet search. Like, what's the best
roasts on Netflix? Right. What are the best dramas
on Netflix? What are the best shows on Netflix?
Right. There's always something. That's exciting,
though. It's going to be a big one. Yeah. Mother's
Day. Motherfucker's Day. Kevin Hart, there's
a guy, like, I don't understand how he has the
time to do all the things he does. I do not understand
it. I'm a pretty busy person, and I look at people
like him, and I feel lazy. I'm like, how are
you doing this? Right. How do you have time to
sleep? Right. And I saw him out with his wife
having drinks two nights last weekend. He must
sleep like four hours a night. I don't know how
he does it. Some people are just built different.
Yeah, I mean, well, it's growing up poor and
realizing that once this is happening for you,
keep your foot on the gas. And that guy keeps
his foot on the gas better than anybody. And
he's ambitious as fuck. He's always got like
some tequila brand and releasing this. He had
a vegan restaurant chain for a while. I would
have talked him out of that. What the fuck are
you doing with that? Well, you know, he likes
to branch out and be a businessman. Yeah. I just
don't understand the time. And then in the meantime,
he's doing arenas at the same time. And killing.
Yeah. I don't get it. The roast. The roast for
him is back to his roots. That's what I love
about it. It's like the Philly thing, talking
shit. Shane's from Philly, so there'll be a big
Philly angle. And we got some of his oldest buddies
coming on. It's going to be pretty massive, I
think. That's nice. Yeah. Well, you've carved
out an interesting path for yourself as the roast
master. Yeah. It's like an old school skill.
You know, that used to be a big part of comedy.
You know, the Friars Club roasts. Yeah. I miss
those Friars Club roasts when they were just
like, you know. Sometimes they weren't even on
TV yet when I was doing them. I just bought a
Leroy Neiman painting. They had an auction of
old Friars memorabilia, and Leroy Neiman painted
Henny Youngman surrounded, and he painted his
punch lines like around his one -liners around
Henny holding his violin. It used to sit in the
dining room at the New York Friars, and Henny
in his wheelchair would sit under that painting.
And for some reason it's all up for auction,
so of course I had to grab it. Oh, that's awesome.
That's so cool that you got it. Yeah. That's
amazing. I miss some of those guys. Think about
Buddy Hackett. I almost wore a Buddy Hackett
t -shirt today. I loved Buddy Hackett. He has
a Buddy Hackett t -shirt? Somebody made me a
Buddy Hackett t -shirt and gave it to me. Yeah,
those guys are from a different time, you know?
Different time. No television. No nothing. Doing
the cat skills. Right. Different world. They
would do each other's acts. They would do whatever
got a laugh. Yeah. They were assassins on the
road. It was a totally different life. And if
you had a name, like you had a name back then,
like if you were a famous comedian back then,
there was the rarest of rare things. Yeah. How
many of them were there? There was like 10. Right.
You know? Shecky, Buddy, Nipsey. Few of those
guys. Yeah. Few of those guys. There are not
many left. No. They're really all gone now. Yeah.
That's what happens. That's going to happen to
us, Buddy. That's what I hear. Better than the
alternative. What? Stay around forever? No. You
either keep going or you saw the picture, Gilbert,
Norm, Bob, you know, the alternative is death.
So when I go, I don't want to get old, I go,
yeah, you want to get old. Yeah. As long as you
keep your body moving. You just don't want to
be an old, like, completely incapacitated person.
Like that's, especially if it's avoidable. Right.
You know what I mean? I went through it all year.
I went in for a – three weeks after that Brady
roast, I went in for a colonoscopy. My buddy
Jordan had been texting our text chain. Everyone's
got to get – he's like kind of a hypochondriac,
so I kind of ignored it. I was like, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. I was too busy. I was on the
road. And then finally I went in for a routine
colonoscopy, and I waited too long, and they
found a tumor in my colon. And immediately that,
an hour, two hours later, was on the phone with
a surgeon. And stage three. And found a specialist,
took care of it right away, but never felt doomed.
Have you changed your diet after that? Yeah,
I'm eating a lot less red meat. Red meat? Now
when I eat red meat, it's like... going to be
the best red meat. Why is it red meat? I don't
know. I mean, for me, growing up in a catering
hall in New Jersey around pastrami and prime
rib, and he said that that was a big cause of
colon cancer. Really? Yeah. And processed foods.
Processed foods make sense. Yeah. That makes
sense. So I'm eating a lot less of that. Yeah.
I moved over to turkey and chicken and a little
bit of fish. and cut out the processed stuff?
As much as I can. What about alcohol? Did you
cut that out? I've never been a big drinker.
That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little
wake -up call. I mean, you have a health scare.
Yeah. A little wake -up call. Time to take care
of yourself. I just had the, you know, I talk
about this on my show, like I had my chemo poured
in on Broadway, on the show, and I was like,
still kind of in it. It's like I was having a
human experience on stage and just, Two weeks
ago, I had the chemo port taken out. My sister
came down to celebrate and hang with me. And
it's like a war prize. Like, I hold the port
where they put the chemo. Like, I have it on
my desk now. And let's just say they put a lot
more in people than they take out. So I feel
very lucky. I survived it all. Yeah, I'm glad
you're alive, dude. People die with those fucking
ports in them. They do. Well, they die with cancer.
That's for damn sure. Yeah. Colon cancer is a
very common one. This guy, James Vanderbeek,
younger than me. I know. He passed away. I met
him. He was a nice fucking guy, man. He came
to the club, hung out with his wife in the green
room. Sweetest guy. Just such a nice guy. And
apparently he was struggling back then. I didn't
know. He looked real thin, you know? So when
you asked me right when you walked in, how are
you doing? I was like, great. You know, like
it was a pointed question. And you asked. Politely
and innocently and I was like, yeah, I didn't
know that you had gone through that. Yeah Yeah,
got everyone. I haven't seen you and when was
awesome. I saw you. I saw you in DC I saw you
in New York for kill Tony Briefly. Yeah. Yeah,
we didn't like sit down. No. No shit. We had
a drink Was it your birthday in New York when
you were doing kill Tony? Mm -hmm. Was it here
one of the New York? Yeah I remember that. But
then I saw you in D .C. with your family. It
was quick. But I feel like I see you because
I pop into the mothership, but I always pop in
on the weekends when you're off. Yeah. Yeah,
it was a crazy thing, man. I've never been sick
a day in my life. I've always had that, like,
my grandfather used to call it world -beater
energy. Like, I always felt invincible, never
thought for a second it would be me. Yeah. And
then I did wait too long to get a colonoscopy.
And they're not a big deal. Like, guys are afraid
of colonoscopies because... Because something's
up your butt. Yeah, but in the end, it really
isn't up your butt. It's a... doctor checking
you out. That's what they tell you when you wake
up. They go up your butt, bro. And get the endoscopy,
especially for smokers and stuff like that. And
for what is essentially a one -day inconvenience,
they can really save your life. It did save my
life. Well, I'm glad you cleaned up your diet.
Yeah. You know, you got to do that because I
know that you are, I mean, I've run into you
at Cat's Deli before, too. That's another thing
I needed to talk to you about. What? I forgot
all about this until you brought it up. Do you
remember running into me at Cat's Deli with Tony?
I guess you must have been in town doing stand
-up or something. This was like already 10 years
ago. I don't think it was that long ago, was
it? It was, and I'll tell you how I know. One
of the things when I... When I got booked on
this appearance, I said, I make a mental note.
I owe Rogan an apology. And it's not a big deal,
but it always kind of bugged me. I came in to
say hi, and I was self -conscious because I had
something wrong with me, and I didn't know what
it was. And you said, what's with your eyebrows?
And I, like... I kind of shoulder shrugged, and
you were like, is it for a roll? And I was like,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Do you have any recollection?
I do. And I lied. Yeah. Because I was embarrassed.
You said I shaved him off for a roll. I was like,
oh, that's crazy. What are you playing? I was
embarrassed because I had alopecia. Didn't really
understand what was happening to me yet. And
you saw the picture. I had a big fro, big bushy
eyebrows. I was like the Propecia Man of the
Year. And I don't know what causes it. It's an
autoimmune thing. It's not life -threatening.
But suddenly I looked completely different. My
fame, like if anyone ever recognized me, walking
into a restaurant, you know, get a good table,
skip the line. It was all gone just suddenly
and within a few weeks. I was, I remember being
at Zany's in Nashville and just scratching my
head and like a big clump of hair came out. Then
I was on a plane and I was like, there's no hair
on my leg. What the fuck's going on? And then
within a month, me and Adam Egatt and Tony went
to the barbershop on Melrose. They came with
me because I was kind of like shaken up. Like,
what is happening to me? Am I dying? So it happened
really quickly? It happens all within a few weeks.
All your hair fell off within a few weeks. And
then when I thought it was done, eyebrows started
going. And then eyelashes. So sweat, salt. I
was like, what the fuck? I didn't even recognize
myself. Is there anything they do that reverses
that? There's some medications. Dr. Drew actually
hooked me up with a research doctor. Brett King,
he was at Yale at the time in Connecticut, and
I did have some restoration of eyelashes and
eyebrows, but the side effects were a little
bit scary, and they lower your immune system
a little bit. So I did that for years. And then
when I got cancer, I was like, fuck those meds.
I can't do it anymore. Right. And the chemo.
eyebrows, eyelashes gone again. Wow. And now
I'm literally, like, hairless. Like, I have no
hair. And, you know, you learn to live with it.
You know, you got to channel your inner rock
star. Listen, there's worse things that can happen.
Believe me, I get it. You know. Right. More than
anybody. But it always dinged me, because you
and I have been friends a long time. We have
an honest friendship. Comics. brutal honesty
truth and I looked you right in the eyes and
I was like yeah I went with it I found out slightly
after that that you had alopecia from other people
because someone else brought it up and someone
said oh he's got alopecia and I'm like oh I asked
him at Cat's Deli and he said he shaved his eyebrows
off for a while but I just felt like you probably
embarrassed and I totally understood like it's
weird right They say a lot of these autoimmune
issues come from inflammation, and a lot of inflammation
comes from what you eat. Right. The doctor would
tell me that wasn't true. Yeah, doctors aren't
always right. And one of the things they're not
always right about is nutrition and the impact
that nutrition has, particularly on autoimmune
issues. Very few doctors have any knowledge or
any education in nutrition. And the impact it
has. I mean, your entire body is built out of
and reconstructed from what you consume. It's
the only thing that your body has. Your body
makes new cells. Your body replenishes cells,
recreates all the tissue. There's only one way
to do it. It's got to be what you eat. It's the
only thing. What you drink, what you eat. That's
it. And if you're eating a bunch of processed
stuff that has... A bunch of bullshit and preservatives.
What causes inflammation? A lot of things. Allergies
cause inflammation. Processed food causes inflammation.
Excess sugar causes inflammation. Alcohol. There's
a lot of things that people eat that cause inflammation.
But it's really genuinely a thing of a balance
of your diet and what your body has to work with.
If your body doesn't have any nutrients to work
with, no vitamins, no minerals, you're dehydrated,
you're drinking too much sugar, things start
malfunctioning and misfiring. There's a bunch
of different consequences for having a high inflammation
diet. And for a lot of people, it's sugar. Sugar
is one of the leading causes of inflammation,
especially in the standard American diet, because
the standard American diet is just riddled with
excess sugar, corn syrup and bullshit and preservatives.
And your body just after a while just gets tired
of processing that stuff. And then you start
encountering a bunch of issues. And I know. There's
a lot of autoimmune issues that people have had
success in reversing by completely cutting out
everything other than whole foods. Just eating
chicken and meat and vegetables and drinking
water and that's it. Cutting out all the bullshit.
Yeah, I got to do better. Have you ever gotten
blood work done? Well, now I have to do it all
the time. Do you? Do you ever get blood work
done from like a comprehensive laboratory that's
looking at your nutrient levels and all those
different things? I don't know if I've done that.
Well, you should do that. There's a place in
town, Wastewell. I'll send you there. Yeah. Yeah,
they're really good. I mean, they do. They take
a shitload of blood, and they do these really
comprehensive blood panels. They can scan for
cancer, too, by the way. Yeah, well, that I've
done. Yeah, that's a big one, you know, because
they can check for any kind of cancer in your
body. Well, now that I'm through all that, I'm
much more open to taking care of myself and staying
on it. The first time I did that one, I was like,
cancer's a scary one. And I was like, boy, I
hope I don't have cancer and don't know about
it. When it came out, zero. I was like, whew.
But I do so much to take care of myself. I do
the sauna every day, cold plunge. I take a ton
of vitamins. I'm always exercising. I eat probably
like 99 % clean. Every now and then I'll fuck
off. Or if my daughter makes cookies, I'll eat
cookies. But for the most part, I give my body.
What kind of cookies? She's really good. She
bakes a bunch of different stuff. Today was white
chocolate chip cookies. They were really good.
I had one this morning. But for the most part,
it's your body. can only use what you put in
it. There's no other building blocks. It doesn't
have anything else. There's nothing else it can
draw from. And that's one of the problems is
when you don't give your body what it needs,
it starts taking things out of the tissue. It
starts taking things, and that's where osteoporosis
comes from. Your body starts literally taking
calcium out of your bones. You've got to give
your body the building blocks. Without that,
it doesn't know what the fuck to do. And slowly
but surely, you start to deteriorate. And there's
a giant difference between giving your body a
nutrient -dense, healthy diet and not. And taking
care of yourself and exercising and not. And
drinking much water and electrolytes and not.
There's a giant difference. And it's all – your
body just cannot recreate itself correctly. It
cannot build itself and repair itself correctly
unless it gets the proper nutrients. That's where
a lot of people's issues come from. And doctors
don't tell you that. I had a family member that
got real sick and the doctor said they got cancer
and the doctor said it doesn't matter what you
eat. I go, well, fuck that doctor. That's not
true. This doctor's telling you you could eat
cake and just take chemo and you'll be fine.
That's horseshit. That's not true. That's not
true because one of the things they should tell
you immediately is get on a ketogenic diet because
one of the things that has been proven is that
cancer uses glucose to survive. And, you know,
autophagy, which comes from fasting, is one of
the best ways that people can get rid of errant
cells and cells that are, you know, misfiring.
Make your body burn off fat. Use ketones for
energy and just get rid of all the dead cells.
Get rid of all the shit that your body doesn't
need. And if you want to do that, do intermittent
fasting, you know, where you. Only have a period
of time where you eat. Like give yourself like
a 16 -hour window with no food and then start
eating after that. How do you keep your – how
do you not be cranky and lose your mind doing
that? Because your body is relying on carbohydrates.
Right. So when your body is not relying on carbohydrates,
your body's burning off ketones. You don't have
that problem. You don't have that crashing problem.
The crashing problem is from a high carbohydrate
diet. And I've had that before. Look, I'm Italian.
So it's carbohydrates was my thing. You know,
it's all about pasta, pizza. I love that stuff.
I just love it. And that's my cheat food. If
I'm going to cheat, I'm going to eat Italian
subs and that kind of shit. When your body gets
accustomed to that, first of all, you get a big
insulin spike. You crash. You get exhausted.
The way to avoid that is to get your body to
start using fats. And the way your body uses
fats is that's what you give it for fuel, and
your body adjusts. And then your body does something
called gluconeogenesis where it starts using
meat and protein and turning that into glucose.
And when you go through this process, it's a
shaky process at first. Like you get what they
call the keto flu originally, initially rather,
where you get tired all the time. You're like,
oh, this is exhausting. And your workouts suffer.
It's like you have no energy. But eventually
your body adapts and your body just gets accustomed
to using fats. And when your body gets fat adapted,
First of all, your brain works better. You get
an extra gear in terms of your ability to think
and communicate. It just feels like you have
more energy. You don't need naps. And you don't
crash after you eat. That's why when you're saying
you shouldn't eat red meat, I eat mostly red
meat. That's like most of my diet. That's like
80 % of my diet is meat. I mean, it's an addiction
for me. I don't think it's an addiction. I think
it's the most nutrient -dense food in the world.
The problem is... processed red meat, right?
So if you're eating a bunch of processed shit
that has a bunch of preservatives in it, yeah,
that's not good for you. But like a ribeye steak,
a grilled ribeye steak, there is nothing wrong
with that. It's one of the most healthy foods
you can eat. And it has everything you need.
It has plenty of vitamins. It has fat. It has
all the things that your body naturally knows
how to process. And people have been eating that
food from the beginning of time. Yeah, you just
got to get educated in it. And it's like most
people, especially particularly most doctors.
I've had conversations with doctors where they've
said, you get everything you need from a balanced
diet. And I'm like, fuck you. You don't know
anything. Like how much time did you spend in
medical school learning nutrition? Was it even
an hour? Was it a day? Like it takes a long time.
And there's real researchers who have spent.
decades understanding the balance of nutrient
-dense foods and vitamin supplementation and
what vitamin supplementation can cure and fix
and what it's good for and how to balance it
out and what vitamins work synergistically with
other vitamins. Like if you're taking vitamin
D3, which is fantastic for your immune system,
you have to take it with K2. You should take
it with magnesium as well. You got to know these
things. And most doctors, they talk out of a
voice. authority about something they're not
educated in. They're educated in getting people
in and out of their office as quick as possible
and getting that insurance money. And that's
what they do. And most of them, they talk like
they're authorities. Meanwhile, they have a gut.
You're sitting there looking at this guy who
looks like shit and he's telling you about health.
Like, bro, you're not healthy. Don't talk to
me about health. This is angry. It makes me angry.
It really does. I get it. It's infuriating because
it's like these people, you count on them as
authorities and really they're just... They're
just paying off their student debt. They're paying
off their fucking loans. They have insane malpractice
insurance they have to cover. They have a giant
monthly nut, and they're trying to push pharmaceutical
drugs on you as much as they can because they
get compensated for that. And that's what they
do. And this is the standard American health
system. It's a real problem. It's a real problem,
and it leaves us sicker. You know, this is the
thing that RFK Jr. is trying to balance. We spend
more money on health care than anyone in the
world. We make more money than anyone in the
world. And we're sicker than anyone in the world.
We spend more money than we ever have on health
care. We're sicker than we've ever been. We're
living the life. We're eating well. It's not
it. We're eating shit. You know, if we're just
eating healthy, the people that are just eating
healthy have... Way less problems. Way less health
consequences. Way less issues. Way more energy.
Way more mental acuity. All those things. Because
that's how your body is supposed to live. For
thousands and thousands of years, what did we
do? We ate fruit. We ate vegetables. We ate meat
and chicken and fish and eggs. And that's what
you're supposed to eat. That's real food. Most
of these things that sit on a shelf, you're not
supposed to eat those. Just like your dog. Like
your dog is not supposed to be eating kibble.
You know? Feed your dog raw food, your dog's
going to go bonkers. Feed your dog human -grade
food, like farmer's dog, your dog will go crazy.
Watch how she eats it. Watch the difference in
the weight. I'll try it. My dog can't wait. He's
dripping. Water's dripping off of his mouth before
I feed him. He's, like, sitting there waiting.
I'm like, stay. And I'm putting in the ball.
I'm like, okay. He, like, attacks it. Like, Jamie,
you were saying that about your dog, right? Carl,
when he was eating kibble, he wasn't even interested.
Yeah. I mean, I never had a chance to even give
it to him. He never ate it. He would just sit
there. I'm like, well, how do you? Who's been
feeding you? How did they get in your body? I
always give my dog, when I give her turkey, sometimes
if I have turkey or chicken around, I'll put
it in her. bowl i always give her you know like
a cat's deli when you order the sandwich they
give you a little piece before yeah i always
get her a little piece to get her salivating
and she snaps it right yeah yeah because it's
real food right that's what people are supposed
to be eating too man we're supposed to be eating
real food you know we got tricked because things
have to stay in the supermarket you gotta you
gotta be able to sit it on the shelf and it's
gonna be able to stay there for a few months
that's how you make your profit That's why milk
is homogenized and pasteurized. They'll try to
scare you off raw milk. Bitch, I drink raw milk
every week. There's nothing wrong with raw milk.
You just can't get it from a shitty farm. Just
like you can't get meat that's rotten. Just like
you can't get sushi that's rotten. I eat ice
cream every day. How bad is that for me? Ice
cream is actually not that bad. Ice cream, when
you think about... bad things to eat, ice cream
is probably one of the best desserts to eat because
ice cream has fats from the cream. It has protein
from the milk and it does have sugar. So you
got a little bit of sugar, but you're absorbing
that sugar along with all the fat and all the
cream. And it probably is way better for you.
It's way better for you than sugar, like drinking
like a soda. Like a soda is the most alien form
of sugar your body absorbs. Your body doesn't
know what the fuck this is because sugar in nature
comes from like an orange. It has all this fiber,
you know, and you're eating it and it's a slow
digestive process. That's why you don't get this
crazy spike. But orange juice is fucking nuts.
Like you take all the fiber out and now you just
have just pure sugar water and you think you're
being healthy. You're not. Okay, look, you get
a little bit of vitamins from the vitamin C that's
from the oranges. Yeah. But you're not supposed
to eat it that way. You're supposed to eat an
orange. Right. Like apple juice. Right. Like
my daughters are like very conscious of like
food and like what's in it. And we went to the
supermarket and she was going to get an apple
juice. She's like, this has 30 grams of sugar.
This little thing had 30 grams of sugar. Like
that's crazy. That's just, you might as well
have a Coca -Cola. Right. It's kind of the same
thing. Yeah. Your body, like, I think there was
some paper that was written recently about ice
cream actually being good for you. And by far
the best of desserts that you can eat. Because
it's milk and cream, you know? It's like there's
actual food in ice cream. I crave it every night.
Ice cream, not that bad. Look at this. Can ice
cream be healthy? What recent studies actually
show. Recent research has sparked debate about
ice cream's place in a balanced diet. By examining
long -term health studies, scientists are exploring
whether moderate consumption may have unexpected
links to certain health outcomes. So ice cream
has long been regarded as classic indulgence
rather than a healthy food. The discussion largely
emerged. However, in recent times, some surprising
research has sparked a debate among nutrition
scientists by saying that consumption of ice
cream may be related to certain unpredictable
health outcomes. The discussion largely emerged
from data analyzed in long -running research
projects such as Nurses' Health Study and Health
Professional Follow -Up Study. Two major epidemiological
studies that track diet and health outcomes over
decades. Research examined dietary patterns among
participants with type 2 diabetes. Notice unusual
pattern related to ice cream consumption. Discussion
earned. Okay, what is the discussion? Consuming
ice cream more regularly sometimes appear to
have lower risks of certain health conditions,
especially cardiovascular disease amongst individuals
of type 2 diabetes. The problem is with epidemiological
studies, you're just basically filling out a
form as to what you ate, and they track that
with large study groups of people, and they try
to figure out, okay, that's one of the ways they
find out, oh, the people that eat red meat more
are sicker. But that's also like, what are you
eating? You eating burgers that you call red
meat with sugar, with a Coca -Cola, and some
fries? Because that's what a lot of people are
eating. So it's not like grass fed steak with
a salad. You know, that's not the problem. Remember
Craig who came in here? Craig from Craig's. He
told me to say hi. I love Craig. He said steak,
and I thought about steak. Oh, he makes a great
steak. That was my joke when I got colon cancer.
I told Craig, you're going to go out of business
if I'm not eating your steak. I don't think you
have to stop eating steak. I mean, I'm no doctor,
but I don't think steak's the problem. I think
all the other shit's the problem. I think it's
preservatives and bullshit and processed food.
It's just not good for you, man. None of it's
good for you. If he could sit on a shelf. Like
that has all these preservatives. That stuff
wrecks havoc on your gut bacteria. When you're
consuming things that are filled with preservatives,
those preservatives are essentially killing life.
That's what they do. That's how it keeps bacteria
and mold from growing on the food. It's a life
killer. And then you eat it, go, oh, yum, yum,
yum. Oh, it's preserved so I can eat it. I mean,
your healthy gut bacteria just gets fucking nuked.
Yeah, I don't think it's meat is the problem.
You know, I was on a USO Christmas tour and I
ate worse on that than I would. And I go, how
are the. Yeah. That's something they should fix.
That is something. They're trying to fix that.
RFK Jr. is trying to fix that. It's like eating
ice cream and shakes and burgers and pizza at
every base. Yeah, it's a lot of processed food.
Yeah, it's terrible food for those soldiers.
It's terrible. And then you're asking them to
go to perform in the most fucking scary thing
on earth, combat. So it made me think, well,
maybe it's all bullshit. If the military is eating
the same pizza and pepperoni that I'm eating
at home, then... No. They should be more. No.
What's bullshit is the way they treat those people.
That's what's bullshit. What's bullshit is the
way they take care of them. That's what's bullshit.
What's bullshit is the consideration they give
to the diet of these people. Right. You're asking
these people to make the ultimate sacrifice.
That's what I'm saying. You're giving them prison
food. That's what's bullshit. Right. Yeah. Diet's
not bullshit. Diet's everything. It is literally
everything. Like I said, your body has nothing
else. Nothing else. that it can build itself
up with other than nutrients. That's all it has.
You consume it. If you don't, you starve to death,
right? If you don't eat, you starve to death.
So in order for your body to take care of itself,
what are you giving it? It's that simple. You
drink a lot of water? A lot of water, yeah. You
still drink a lot of coffee? I drink less. I've
been drinking coffee later in the day now. I've
been going through my day and not drinking my
first cup of coffee until noon now. I've been
doing that a lot lately. You don't need it in
the morning to get going? Sometimes I feel like
I do. I enjoy it. I indulge if I enjoy it. But
I don't like relying on things. I don't like
having to do things. I don't ever want to have
that feeling. So lately I've been like, and I've
gone days without coffee just to see what that
feels like. Sometimes I feel a little sluggish.
But there's ways you can avoid that too. Like
I'll take nootropics, which is a brain nutrients,
you know, theanine. Acetylcholine and a bunch
of different things. Like there's alpha brain.
That stuff pumps my brain up and fires it up.
It's just you get addicted to caffeine. Caffeine
is very, very addictive. And I feel like if I
can get my day going without it, it's probably
better. Yeah. I drink a lot less, but I see what
you're saying. I love it, though. Oh, it's great.
I love a cup of coffee. I love it. I love it.
I landed yesterday, Austin Airport. Like I needed
a coffee so bad I'd been out. I'm partying the
night before, early flight. I land, and you just
want a cup of coffee before you even start seeing
your texts because you don't want a deal. And
it's like the first place I go to, it's like
there's a long line. I finally get there, and
it's like it's a kiosk. And I'm like, I can't
kiosk. I need to just tell someone to put coffee
in a cup and hand it to me. And I go to another
place, and it's like they charge me, and then
they hand me a cup and go fill it. And I walk
away. I just can't. I get so freaking cranky,
and I go to the third place finally, and it's
just like they give you a cup of coffee. The
kiosk and the no employees, it all makes me so
mad. I want to talk to somebody. Oh, okay. I
don't like filling out a computer when I want
something. I rarely go to coffee places because
I drink black coffee, and black coffee at Starbucks
tastes like dog shit. Right. It's all burnt and
tastes terrible. It's just not good. I could
drink any coffee. You could take old coffee,
put it in the microwave, and it's the same to
me as... Really? Yeah, an espresso that you're
making it. Oh, I like this. See, this is French
press. Black rifle coffee. You want some? Yeah.
Get in there, dog. That's good coffee. That's
real coffee, son. Thank you. That's coffee. Cheers.
Taste that. Cheers. Here's another problem. That's
good. That's not bad, right? If you get coffee
from Starbucks, you're getting it in a paper
cup. And if you get it in a paper cup, it's not
paper you're drinking out of. It's plastic because
the inner lining of those paper cups is basically
like a condom. Right. Ever seen when they break
it down? Yeah. Well, if you add hot liquid to
plastic, that plastic leaches chemicals into
your body that are not good for you. They're
called forever chemicals. It's terrible for you.
So every time you drink a hot liquid that's in
a paper cup, you're sucking on plastic residue.
That's gross. We're gross. There's a lot of things
that are gross about the American lifestyle.
I mean, if you get coffee from Starbucks or something
like that, ideally you should bring your own
cup. Bring a mug. Bring one of those little Yetis.
So it's like pouring right into stainless steel.
That's how you're supposed to drink it. But who
does that? Who brings a little stainless steel?
Not me. Yeti with them everywhere. Not me. Nobody.
But if you did that, you'd get a lot less of
these fucking microplastics in your gut. It'll
also wreak havoc on your body, destroy your immune
system, destroy your endocrine system. They're
endocrine disruptors, so it stops your body from
producing hormones naturally, which also can
lead to a host of different diseases. Makes me
think maybe Charlie Sheen was right after all.
Crack. Smoking crack while getting a blowjob.
That's how to do it. You don't think he was worried
about the plastics in the pipe? Well, there's
certain dudes that are built different. I mean,
a lot of people that did what Charlie did would
have already been dead a long time ago. He's
resilient. I do hope somebody puts him in a big
movie. I like your idea. I like a good comeback
story. Maybe he's due for another roast. It'll
be hard now. He's all clean, sober. It's like,
what did you do 20 years ago? It's like, yeah.
But now he's kind of doing all right. He looks
good. He looks healthy. He looked a lot better
than I thought he was going to look. It doesn't
look like a guy who's went through 25 years of
crack. And he was sick? Mm -hmm. And what did
he have? HIV. Oh, yeah. HIV is weird. That's
a weird one. Because with the medication they
have now, you don't really, you're not even testing
positive. But they just tell you you have it
no matter what. It's dormant, which doesn't totally
make sense. There was a guy named Peter Duesberg
that I had on my show a long time ago. And he
was a professor out of the University of California,
Berkeley. And just brilliant. Brilliant guy.
Groundbreaking work on cancer. But he had a very
controversial take on HIV. And his take was he
didn't believe that HIV is what caused AIDS.
He said the fact that you have HIV is because
your immune system is so severely compromised
that HIV shows up. That was his take on it. And
he was ostracized. You got to realize like during
the AIDS crisis. Do you know who was the guy
that was in charge of the medical establishment
in this country? Anthony motherfucking Fauci.
Same guy. And that guy had everybody convinced
that we're all going to get AIDS, that we're
all going to die, and y 'all have to take this
medication. And one of the medications they gave
people was AZT. The problem with AZT was... ACT
was a chemotherapy medication, and it was killing
people quicker than cancer was, so they stopped
using it. They repurposed it when AIDS came along,
and they started giving it to AIDS people because
they didn't have to go through this whole process
of, like, getting a drug certified, getting a
drug to go through the FDA. They already had
a drug. So they said, well, this drug, this will
be the drug we use for AIDS. They fucking killed
everybody they put on it. Killed tons and tons
of people. When they stopped using AZT, people
stopped dying. You know, that's what Dallas Buyers
Club was all about. It was all about them trying
that movie with Matthew McConaughey. It was all
about them trying to find alternative cures,
alternative medications and being able to access
alternative medications. He wanted everybody
to use AZT. And he was like, AZT, the reason
why they use it, it's the only drug that is both
safe and effective. It's literally what he said
back then. In the fucking 80s. And that's the
same guy that sold us his bag of bullshit with
the COVID origins and whether or not it was gain
-of -function research that caused it. He's just
a creepy fucking guy. We never really got answers
on any of this. We will. It'll take time, but
we will, and he'll probably be gone by the time
it's publicly understood. But if you read RFK
Jr.'s book, The Real Anthony Fauci, it'll open
your mind. It'll open your eyes. He talks about
how they were testing out in the 1980s. They
were testing out HIV vaccines on foster kids
in New York and killing them. Jesus. Yeah. They
tested it on foster kids. Yeah, it's real. If
it wasn't real, he would have been sued. He hasn't
been sued for it. Wow. It's a dark book, dude.
The real Anthony Fauci, I can't recommend it
enough. It's a fucking terrifying book. But that's
the same guy that was a part of the whole AIDS
thing. The movie's going to be weird. Who would
play Anthony Fauci in a movie? Maybe Martin Short.
I think it's another Sean Penn tour de force.
Sean Penn was all about the vaccine. Do you miss
acting? Not even a little. I was thinking about
that the other day. You really were in this whole
other world, Joe. Call times, makeup, lines,
blocking. Well, I enjoyed working on news radio.
And it was very, I felt insanely fortunate to
be able to work with Phil Hartman and Dave Foley
and all those people on that show. Steven Root,
Maura Tierney, Vicky Lewis, Andy Dick. It was
incredible. Candy Alexander. It was an incredible
cast of people. I mean, I felt super, super lucky.
But once it was over, I'm like, I don't think
I'll ever be able to recreate that. Because that
was like optimal. And I had been on a couple
other shows as a guest. I didn't like it. And
I was like, this is not what I like. I only did
it for money, you know. It's not my thing. And
it's a long process, dude. Sitcom hours are,
you know, especially in the beginning days. It
was like 12, 16 hour days. Who wrote that show?
Paul Sims and a bunch of other writers. But he
was from the Larry Sanders show, you know. He
did Bardwalk Empire after that and a bunch of
other stuff. Brilliant guy. But that show was
just like they caught lightning in a bottle.
I got so lucky to be a part of that show. And
I'm like, I could never be on a shitty sitcom
after that. I couldn't be on some fucking sloppy
canned horse shit show. You went highbrow with
Fear Factor. Well, I took that because there
was no actors. First of all, I took Fear Factor
because I thought it was going to be canceled.
I thought this was going to give me a lot of
material. It was like Radford forever. 148 episodes.
Yeah, it was nuts. Have you seen the new one?
No, I haven't. But Johnny came on. Johnny Knoxville
came on to do it. I didn't see the Ludacris one
either. But how long did Ludacris do it for?
I don't know. I didn't even know that until now.
Yeah, Ludacris did it, I think. Was it on MTV,
Jamie? I think he did it on MTV. MTV did it for
a little while. I think he did it for. I don't
know how long. But I love Johnny. Johnny Knoxville.
He's a great guy. He's the best. A true gentleman.
Sweetheart of a guy. I love him so much. I hope
it does well. I hope they don't hurt anybody.
That's the problem. When Fear Factor came back
on NBC, when we came back in 2011 and we only
did six episodes, they were really trying to
make it bigger and better. I was like, Jesus
Christ, we're going to fucking kill somebody.
It felt like it. It felt like when it was canceled,
I was happy. I was like. Fuck this. You were
done. Yeah, well, it got canceled because they
had a drink cum. Do you know that? No. You don't
know that? What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they played
horseshoes to drink donkey cum. Are we still
talking about Andy Dick at news radio? No, no,
no. We're talking about Fear Factor now. Andy
only drank people cum. He's a gentleman. But
yeah, that happened. That's what got the show
canceled. But it's because they were just trying
to make it as outrageous as possible. It's like
the early, you were right at the beginning of
that crazy. This is it. Fear factor. Donkey juice.
This is it. They had to play horseshoes, and
they drank donkey piss and donkey cum. There
was three sets of twins, and one twin had to
drink the cum. Look at that. That's a mug -o
-cum. Oh, my gosh. It's so foul. Wow. Yeah, so
TMZ, I think, got a hold of the clip or images
and said that Fear Factor was doing this, and
it never aired in the United States, but it aired
overseas. It aired somewhere in Europe. I want
to say the Netherlands or Denmark or some shit.
Wow. Yeah. Now you survived. Good times. Good
times. Now you're drinking delicious coffee and
you're palatial. Hanging out with you, Jeff Ross.
I love it, man. Dude, I've known you since you
were Jeff Lipschitz. I've known you since your
best joke, which was never trust a hooker with
a walkie -talkie. You were like 25, but you were
like, I've learned a lot of things in my life.
I never trust a hooker with a walkie -talkie.
Was that the joke? No, it was I went to college
for three years. You know what I learned? How
did it go? Don't trust hookers with walkie -talkies?
I don't know. You know me since Jeff Lipschultz.
By the way, I'm still Jeff Lipschultz. My ID,
my passport. Maybe you shouldn't tell everybody.
It's all right. We should have hid that. It's
at this point. When did you change it to Ross?
What year was that? Oh, I can tell you. What
happened was. I got booked on Star Search down
in Florida. Like my first time on TV. You know,
we were all starting to get like on MTV and Star
Search. Those shows were coming around. And I
go down to Orlando where they were shooting it
back then. And Ed McMahon was the host. And he
kept introducing me. by fucking up my, Arch,
this week's challenger, Jeff Lipschitz. And I'd
walk out, and it would screw me up, you know?
Then the next, I'd won, and then the next day,
it's like, this week's challenger, you know,
life shots. You know, he would just screw it
up every time. And on the flight home, I was
like, I either have to, if I really love comedy,
I was like two years in, I go, let me think about
this. Ross is my middle name. Jon Stewart was
Jon Leibovitz, and he had told me he did it for
the similar reasons. If I asked you to spell
Lifshultz right now, even you couldn't, and you'd
know me 35 years. So I was like, all right, either
I'm going to have to change my name or my whole
family's going to, I don't know what to do. So
Ross, it just made sense. It's easy. Yeah. Yeah,
it's easy. Jeff Ross. What was Ed McMahon like?
Did you ever hang out with him? I shook his hand,
and that was the end of it. I didn't get to know
him very well. I heard he was an animal. I heard
he drank a lot. Yeah. But then I made some joke
like that, and people got mad at me online going,
don't disrespect Ed McMahon. Was he gone by the
time you made that joke? Yeah, it was recently
because they rebooted Star Search just now. Fuck
people online. You can't listen to them. Dude,
that's another thing Saget taught me, Bob Saget.
Like, block. The haters. Like, you know, we would
argue about this because, like, he would block
people. And I go, well, then they know you saw
it. Just ignore them. Let them float out to sea.
He goes, no. He goes, no. I want them to know
that they're blocked. He goes, and I don't want
them following me. I don't want to say funny
things to people who say mean things. He valued
himself. I say don't read the comments. I say
don't even pay attention. Let them exist in the
ether. Well, you're off social right now. Yeah.
You told me. Yeah, I post things, but I post
and ghost. That's what I tell people. Post and
ghost. Just post things. It's like people know
about stuff or something's interesting. You know,
someone sends you something interesting. Like,
oh, people should know about this. Right. That's
it. Get out. I've gotten better instead of using
social media. Like, Seth Green is my neighbor.
Good buddy of mine. the actor, and he started
doing this during the pandemic. Instead of texting
or liking people's stuff, he FaceTimes. It takes
longer, but he's like, it's a real connection.
Oh, okay. So he'll FaceTime me, you know, and
talk to me, just even if it's for a minute. What
if you have an Android phone? Then you're fucked.
And my friend Benji Aflalo goes, he quotes Brody
all the time. He'll just, he'll write. He'll
text me emojis, positive and a check. Positive
check -in, like Brody used to do. He would just
positive check -in. Positive energy. Positive
check -in. God, he was so fun. Here's another
guy. He's on my fucking contact list that's gone
that I miss. I almost wore my Brody t -shirt
today. I was thinking about him a lot lately.
I don't know why. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Has there
ever been a comedian who's been less famous but
more... His cadence has been more remembered.
It's almost like him and Dangerfield have the
most memorable deliveries of all time. Especially
for us. Brody Stevens, I don't know if people
know. For the guys who were around him, he was
just such a unique dude. He would show up at
the comedy store and pull into the lot. Everybody
would smile. I when I first met him, I really,
truly hated him. I really hate him. It was it
was it was literally like the mid 90s show, like
in New York. And I can't believe I haven't thought
about this in so long. The show that it's so
funny, the show that's coming out tonight. I'd
started developing 30 years ago. My grandfather
died. I live with my grandfather. And it was
like a way to like process it. And it was emotional.
And I was doing it at little alternative comedy
spaces in New York. And I didn't know Brody.
And Brody would sit in the front. He was obsessed
with it. Because I was, like, talking about stuff
that hit for him somehow. And he would sit in
the front. But he would, like... over laugh or
twitch around at a seat so then you know i'm
developing this like one -man show it's like
different than stand -up and he's like he would
want to talk to me about it and he would say
like weird things that kind of threw me off you
know he would notice the differences and i said
uh listen man um hbo's coming to see it next
week um could you just not be in the audience
He goes, oh, okay, I understand. I'm the guy
who bothers you. You don't like me. I get that.
I go, no, it's not that, man. It's just that,
like, you're like. Brody, 818 till I die. You're
distracting me, and I'm not like, you know, I
was only doing comedy a few years. So then. HBO
comes and Brody, I walk on stage and Brody's
in the front row. So afterwards I go, dude, what
the fuck is your problem? I told you not to be.
He's like, there were no other seats. I couldn't
miss it. And our friendship grew where we both
moved out to LA and we became such good friends
that I had a Comedy Central show. He was the
warmup. I had to have him around me all the time.
I felt safer and better. I think we both grew.
I was a model in Pakistan. Cover of Camel Beat
magazine. I dated an amputee. We met on StubHub.
What was the one about the Nickelback tour jacket?
I was at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I saw
the Nickelback tour. It was in the Lost and Found.
I love Brody. Look up Brody Stevens. I heard
you talking about him the other day. about his
friendship with Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. Were
you there when they did the memorial at the Comedy
Store? No. No. That's a good line. I don't like
those things. I was backstage, and Brody's like
college baseball coach, high school baseball
coach, and all his friends all spoke for like
an hour. And then they bring me out, and I go,
after hearing all Brody's friends talk for an
hour, I'm starting to understand why he killed
himself. That's why I don't like those things.
It was beautiful. I prefer to mourn people solo.
It was beautiful, actually. Well, Brody was a
beautiful guy. That's our world. We've got to
remember these guys. I know. We do. Well, you
know, one of the good things about podcasts is,
like, the world gets to understand a lot of these
people and hear us talk about all these people.
I think our world is more understood now in this
day and age with the podcast world than I think
it's ever been known before. More criticized,
but that's part of the process of it. That's
normal. But also more understood. People get
it. They get it. It's a weird art form. I remember
when you had Gilbert Gottfried on. That was great.
Gilbert was awesome. I don't think he fully understood
what was happening here, but I remember. really
enjoying your interview with Gilbert. What do
you mean you don't think he understood? He'd
done Stern. He'd done open -ended. Right, but
he... This is... Stern is fast and jumping in.
Impressions. This is more of a conversation,
which Gilbert, in his spectrum -y thing, it's
tough. A lot of yes and no answers. I thought
he was great. But I loved him, and he knew I
loved him. I was always a giant fan of his, so
I think it was pretty easy. I wear a Gilbert
Gottfried shirt in the special. That's cool.
Ultimate tribute. He was a sweetheart. He was
a sweet guy. So fucking funny, too. God damn,
that guy was funny. I used to love watching his
sets in New York. The best. Especially, like,
in the 90s when no one knew who he was. Like,
oh, my God. He's such a killer. One of his last
times on stage, I was at an improv in Florida,
and he came with his family. And he came on as
a surprise guest. He walked out and he told this
long, crazy joke about skull fucking his dead
grandma. So at his funeral, at his funeral, like
a year and a half later, I said, Gilbert's comedy
was fearless and ruthless and subversive, yet
he was so lovable that he could get us to laugh
at a joke about skull fucking a dead person.
And then I looked at his coffin and I said, not
so funny now, huh, Gilbert? So I love Gilbert.
We've had the very unique opportunity to be around
some really truly exceptional people, rare, rare
human beings, you know, and so many of them,
you know. We're so rich in our associations with
so many completely unusual people, you know.
Here's one more Gilbert story. Okay. One time
we were roasting Joan Rivers. I was producing
it, and I booked Gilbert. And I'm on the phone.
I'm smoking a joint. And I go, I got one joke
I like, but I can't do it. He goes, what is it?
I go, well, you know, like Kanye West's mom had
recently died during a plastic surgery procedure.
It was the background. And I go, Joan Rivers,
Gilbert, you know, Joan Rivers, Kanye's mom has
a better plastic surgeon than you. And I go,
but I can't do that. And Gilbert goes, I'll do
it. And that's when I realized I was being a
pussy and I had to do it. So I did it. So he
pushed me. That's awesome. That's awesome. He's
a really special, special guy. We're lucky dudes,
Jeff. We really are. We're lucky. And especially
now that we know all these people that we just
talked about that were amazing and are gone.
We're lucky we're still here. Being a comedian
is like a backstage pass to the world. You get
to see things you never would see as a civilian.
It's true. I just went to Qatar, Djibouti, Africa.
You were in Djibouti? What were you doing in
Djibouti? You did stand -up there? For the troops.
Christmas with the vice chairman of the Joint
Chiefs. Saw the Patriot missiles that they're
using now. I was in two of the bases that just
got hit just a few months ago. Wow. That's nuts.
You get to see. And when you're with the vice
chairman, sometimes you're on. FOBs, they call
them, Forward Operating Bases. They don't even
tell you where you are exactly. Oh, wow. You
know, you're like 80 miles from the Iranian border
somewhere in Kuwait or Qatar or Jordan. It's
so cool. Wild. You've always done a lot of stuff
with the troops. You've been doing that from
way back, from like the early 2000s. 2003, my
first trip to Iraq with Drew Carey. Wow. Yeah,
he took me in 2003. Saddam was still alive. I
went back in 05. I've done probably 100 of those
shows all over the world. Wow. It's the best,
man. That's why I'm a comedian. That's the best
feeling. That's the best feeling. They say, oh,
thanks for coming. And I'm like, thank you, man.
Forget that I'm entertaining. You're doing a
show for people who are starved for entertainment.
It fills me up. It invigorates me. It's just
they're not drinking. They're the best crowds.
Right. I highly recommend it. That's awesome.
All right, dude. Your special, is it out yet?
Tonight. Tonight. Look at you. A Netflix comedy
special. Longest special Netflix ever did. You
got the Bobby Brown microphone on? I sing. I
sing a song in the show. A perfect salty, sweet,
sour mix. Look at that outfit. It's a suit of
armor, this guy. This guy, poor guy, lost his
hands in an explosion. Oh, jeez. I asked him
why his wife never got finger banged. Jesus.
It's a multimedia show about my family, about
resilience, about bouncing back. Are those screens
in the back wall, a bunch of different screens?
Yeah. And they show different things on them?
Yeah. The dogs. Oh, that's cool. You're going
to love this show. I'm sure I'll love it. It's
about some of the stuff we were talking about,
like when you take a hit, getting back up. That's
awesome. And what's it called again? It's called
Take a Banana for the Ride. When I was an open
mic -er, I would take my grandfather to his doctor
appointments. And then at night I would go in
New York and try to get on stage at the open
mics. And my grandfather would give me a few
dollars for the bus and tolls and a banana. Take
a banana for the ride. Kind of his way of saying,
I can't go with you, but I'm there with you on
the ride. I just tattooed a banana with my mom's,
would write I love you or I miss you and put
them in my school lunches. So I found an old
letter with her handwriting and made a tattoo.
So now I always have a banana. This one, Eddie
Vedder drew. It says, born to roast. Oh, that's
cool. All right. It's out now. Ladies and gentlemen,
go watch it. Jeff Ross. I love you, buddy. Love
you, Rogan. Thank you. Good to see you. Bye,
everybody.