Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1879. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Behavioral Dynamics, Peer Motivation, and Contemporary Wellness Challenges. Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan Podcast by
night. All day. You got some Stogies, Burt? I
bought cigars. There's nothing better that we're
already talking about this than a cigar and a
coffee in the morning. In the morning, yeah.
You know what's better? A joint. We should address
that. Yeah, it's a real issue. Not with me, Tom.
No, of course not. Dude, I don't have the cravings
that Joe has. You've got to see Stan Hope in
the green room these days. Are we recording?
Fucking Stan Hope over here. Are you not having
any drinking cravings? Why are you saying Stan
Hope? Because I smoked a cigarette? Chugging
it. I smoked one yesterday. You breathed it down
in one gulp. No, no, no. I didn't even smoke
the whole thing. If Camel Cigarettes could do
an ad of you sucking down a cigarette. I would
sniff paint. I would spray paint into a paper
bag to get a little bit of a buzz before I go
on stage. I was just trying to find something.
Give me something. Give me a buzz. Give me a
buzz. I'd fucking hold my breath, stand on my
head. That feels good. That feels good. I'm telling
you. I stood up too fast the other day and it
felt good. It does feel good. You what? I stood
up too fast and it felt good. You know what I
really feel the weed? Writing. When I sit down
to write. When I don't have weed and I just sit
down to write, it's like I'm writing with weights
on. Yeah. You know, it's like running. Like running
with a weight vest on. It's like, oh. No. With
weed, I just can get into it. I just get into
my head, and I just find ideas. Just run. Yeah.
Yeah. I like being on stage. Last night was fun.
I was stone sober, and I love being on stage
sober. Last night was fun, though. It was fun
as shit. That was a great crowd. I was glad you
came down. I took one chance to couple to the
far right, older dude, and I didn't see his chick.
She was against the wall, and I was making a
joke about Leanne being old. And I looked over,
and I saw his chick, and she was his age. And
I went, oh, shit, your chick's old. And everyone,
but I go, but then I said, age appropriate. And
then she was like, yeah. Like, because, you know.
Oh, right. Yeah, because, like, Liam, the biggest
thing is when you upgrade. Oh, yeah. When you
down age. When you down age. We had a buddy.
We had a buddy upgrade. Brings his chick. Women
get angry at that. Very angry. We get angry at
anyone else doing it. Isn't it interesting that
guys don't give a fuck? Like if a woman is getting
divorced and then she starts fucking her personal
trainer and he's like 32, no one cares. 46 -year
-old woman, 30 -year -old personal trainer, no
one cares. No one cares at all. Yeah, if she's
single and doing it. Yeah, good for her. Look,
she's got a hot young guy. Women are constantly
threatened by youth, though. That's what they're
threatened by. Men are threatened by a bigger...
Guy like you know a stronger bigger version of
them. That's the threat and it's a money thing
to money Yeah, money is a big one. Yes, angers
men like when a woman leaves a man for Richard.
Yeah Because that seems like the one you just
there's not a goddamn thing you do yeah The same
reason the woman can't do anything like if you
go my new chicks 24 right like the she can't
do anything about it Yeah, if you if you have
a girl leave you for like a college senior It's
like, all right. I mean, I'm sorry you left me,
but that's fine. I would think it's funny. Yeah.
But it must be. Here's the thing. That college
senior, the funny thing is, the college senior
would not be a threat to your status. He for
sure would be a poorer person. You know what
I mean? Right, right, right. But if he's like
some fucking young stud linebacker and he's just
sending it in every night. Boom, boom, boom.
But you'd still be like, did he get his allowance
this week to take you out? He's in college. Here's
the deal. Women and men accrue interest differently.
Yeah. So like women are like fucking high -end
IPOs like out the gate. Right. And men are penny
stocks. And then they invest like they kind of
like a hedge fund. They look at these penny stocks
like you were a hardcore penny stock. But you
were. I remember you were gaining weight and
you were fucking like – you were like – and your
material is questionable. Jesus Christ. But I
know – I've known him so long that when Christina
signed up for him, that was a risky investment.
It was. There was no promise of success with
Tom in podcasting. Back then, it was just TV
and movies. She had already been on TV. She had
already had some success. She was transitioning
into Santa pretty quick, getting writing jobs.
She was making the money, and Tom's featuring.
All of a sudden, your stock fucking goes public.
Netflix special. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And then, in a weird way, same thing with me,
dude. I was a rescue dog. There was no... I feel
like this whole analogy was just for me as a
Jew. But then as that happens, and this is now
shitty, but women start aging and then their
stock starts declining and then all of a sudden
it splits and it splits and splits. And you watch
this penny stock keep fucking rising and some
dudes go, what the fuck am I doing with this
bullshit stock option? I'm going to sell out
and get brand new... Very interesting analogy.
Did you ever see that guy, the woman who put
out, like, I'm looking for a millionaire? You
remember that guy? I'm looking for a millionaire
to, like, make me your wife. No. It sounds familiar.
You say a guy or a woman? A woman said it. And
then some economist was like, let me tell you
about the laws of diminishing returns. And he
broke down why it's a bad investment for any
millionaire to take you in. You got to look it
up. It's just like, great. It's like, yeah, he's
like, your value is decreasing. As their value
increases. But it increases if you're in love
with the person. It increases. It stays. I'll
always joke about Leigh -Anne being older than
me and old as fuck and looking very old and all
that shit. Jesus Christ. I think she's lovely.
Every week. Every fucking week. But a guy who
loves his wife does that. A guy who doesn't love
his wife doesn't say a fucking word and just
upgrades one day. Just out of nowhere goes, see
ya, bitch. A guy who loves his wife calls her
old? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, she's a brilliant
joke. I told her one time. Jesus Christ. When
we met that dude who upgraded, fucking left his
chick. They weren't even married. They weren't
even married. Common law. Oh, two kids, great
kids. She was a smoke show back in the day. She
was a smoke show back in the day. Now, very attractive
54 -year -old woman. I mean, you know, 54, but
very attractive. Upgrades to like, I think 27,
33, somewhere around there. The women were living,
and then that night in bed, me and Leanne are
there, and I go, I wonder what I could get these
days. I wonder what my value is. Is she in front
of your wife? Yeah. In front of her. To her.
To her. That's correct. You would get some girl
that gets your ATM number, and she'd be drawing
money out of your bank account every day. That's
what Leanne said. I'd like to see you try. And
I was like, yeah. Angry. Angry. Challenge. Challenge
issued. That's the, you know. You're kind of
curious. I would love to get a Tinder profile
just to be like. See what's up. Yeah, see what
I can do. Dude. You'd get some hits, man. Can
we operate your Tinder profile for a while? I
would go right to Grindr. I'd point that bitch
right over. That's where you're going to get
big numbers. Grindr. If you went over to Grindr.
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I had a Grindr account
for him. Yeah. Really? That's when we started
fucking with each other. I opened a Grindr account
for him. You would clean up. And people would
hit me up, and I'd be like, oh, that's so cool.
I can't make it today, but why don't you come
see me perform at the Comedy Store? A bunch of
little twinks sitting there. Wait, are you missing
drinking at all? No. None at all? Not at all.
Good for you. Zero. Zero. Well, tell us about
the health stuff, like you were talking about
last night. I should have some nicotine when
I do this. Yeah, let's fire up them stooges.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were talking about
- What do you guys want? Jaime Garcia's are the
best, in my opinion. Whatever you want. We've
got a bunch here, too, if you want those. These
Jaime Garcia's are fucking - Try one of those.
Jaime Garcia's? Jaime. By the guys who do my
father's cigar. I like a big ring gauge. I like
a strong smoke. Our boy Nick from Foundation
Cigars is telling me that there might be some
sort of an embargo in Nicaragua. He's fucking
terrified. No, really? Yeah, I mean, there's
some shit going down, apparently. Oh, I got to
talk to you. I went to the plantation. Oh, did
you? The one in Connecticut? Yeah. How was it?
It was so cool. We saw them curing the stuff.
There's a difference when you hang out with dudes
that know cigars. Like Bobby Kelly knows cigars.
Sure, knows cigars. He introduced me to Tatuaje,
which is one of my favorite cigars. And it's
almost like you hang out with someone who...
It's like hanging out with a grown -up all of
a sudden, but you're the same age. Bobby's turned
me on to so many good cigars. Hanging out with
a grown -up, but you're the same age. What do
you mean? Because he knows his shit. He's a man.
He's an actual man instead of this. See, me,
I don't know cigars, and I don't know wine. I
like it, but I'm like, I have no time in my head
to become a wine connoisseur. All you got to
know about cigars is $13. you just go back what's
around 13 bucks and you'll get a good cigar it's
maybe my funnest thing of going into a cigar
shop is getting into the humidor with the owner
and being like yeah hey man tell me what i want
yeah i'll tell you what i like i like i like
something that kind of knocks me off my ass a
little bit i like something a little stronger
but i'm a ring gauge whore like i like a big
Sometimes too big feels like a cock. Dude, I
went to Cigar Lounge with this guy, Reggie Conquist,
black guy, comic, and I was like, it's his first
cigar, get him something, and he goes, do you
want something flavored? I was like, no! Flavored.
Flavored. Some strawberry cigar. He's always
like, that's your raspberry? Flavored. Ugh. Flavored
cigars, that's so gross. Yeah, like I know what
I like in terms of... There's another lighter
here too. I know what I like in terms of like
a good wine. Like I take pictures of wines. Me
too. Yeah, there's a good app. I think it's called...
Dude, I take pictures of wine and send it to
Matt. Matt Staggs? You're Matt. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
He's into wine? Yeah, my Matt is, no, my business
manager is a legitimate connoisseur. Yeah. And
he has like half a million dollars worth of wine
in his house, at least. Yeah, I know that about
him, so I'll send him on. I'll be like, this
is good. He'll write, no shit. It's called Vivino.
So there's an app. What kind of response is that?
Can you imagine somebody going, hey, I just saw,
you know, Bert Kreischer is really funny, but
get no fuck. So with this app, it's called Vivino.
So you take a photo of the label and then you
could order it right from the app. It's great.
Tony and I were eating at this steak restaurant.
We're drinking this really good Cabernet. We're
like, God damn, this is great wine. This is the
best wine I've ever had. It was just like really
good. And he goes, have you heard about Vivino?
I go, what's that? He goes, we could order this
wine right now. I go, how? That is brilliant.
You take a photo of it, and then it shows you.
It's like, oh, and then it pulls it up. Would
you like to buy a case? Like, yeah. That's brilliant.
Just sends it to your house. We got back from
the road on Tuesday. I had a case of wine at
my house. Wow. Yeah. That sounds great. Vivino.
Yeah, Vivino. Yeah, because I take pictures of
them all the time, but then I realize I don't
do anything. Exactly. I forget to look them up.
I forget. You're like, if I see this, I'll get
it, but you're not going to remember. Never.
So then, okay, let's talk about Manchette. Do
you know the difference between dry aged and...
Wet -aged? Yes. Okay, I don't. Wine or cigars?
Meat. Meat. Yeah. Yeah, dry -aged is done in
a large, usually like a cooler, and they have
a fan that circulates the air. For longer, too,
right? Yeah. Usually. Well, Adam Perry Lang.
I became friends with him and he had APL, which
went under because of the fucking pandemic in
LA. It was one of the best steak houses. It was
amazing. And he would dry age his meat for a
year. Wow. Did you ever eat there with him? No.
It was amazing. A year? Oh my God. He was taking
all these experiments in dry aging and he would
do like your 60 day dry age, your 90 day dry
age. But he's like, you got to try this stuff.
It's like 365 day dry aged. So it's got to be
like muskier. Like a nutty, weird. Weird taste.
Not my favorite. It's not like I wouldn't want
to have a 16 -ounce T -bone like that. But for
a small piece, it was just really interesting.
It's like a piece of foie gras or something.
Almost like liver. But not even liver. It's just
like it's its own thing. I just had raw liver.
You had raw liver? Yeah, with the liver king.
Why would you do that? I don't know. With him?
Yeah, he came to my house. Did you guys podcast?
We did a podcast. The liver king. You'd be shocked
how much we haven't caught him. Oh, I believe
you're both delusional. We don't brush our teeth.
Are you getting ab implants? He loves livers
and yours is failing. Did you ask him if he has
ab implants? Yeah, he said it was a joke. He
said he doesn't have them. He's fucking jacked.
He says he's clean too. I asked him about steroids.
Not true. Well, the podcast comes out on BirdCast.
Everyone check it out. Tell you that right now.
Test that guy. No. Well, here's my takeaway is
there's a lot of self -help gurus these days
than there ever has been in history. When I was
a kid, it was Tony Robbins. That was it. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's true. And still doing it, too,
which is wild. Tony Robbins. Still doing it.
Still doing it. Still doing it, dude. Selling
out huge places. Yeah. You know who's good friends
with him? Jesse May. Jesse May Peluso. Really?
She's good friends with Tony. I'd go to one of
his things. I'd go to one of his things. Dana
White's good friends. He's got to be good at
what he does. He's great at it. He's fucking
great at it. Put a pin in Dana White. I want
to talk about him today. All right, we'll put
a pin in it. But when I was 21 years old, when
I was first starting to do stand -up, I got Unlimited
Power, which is one of his books. And it had
audio cassettes. He would listen to his audio
cassettes. And I was living in Revere, Massachusetts,
at this shitty apartment. And I was writing things
down. and reading his book and trying to motivate
myself and fucking get ahead in life. He's got
legit, legit points. He's done a good job of
curating really good inspirational ideas. Interesting.
We all did his birthday show once in Hollywood
somewhere. Comedy show? Mm -hmm. He just had
a bunch of comedians. He came to the comedy store
and he was like, all those guys I liked, just
hire them. Gave us each 75 bucks. It was really
cool. And then Jeff Richards was like, no, I'm
getting 1 ,500. Like, how'd you get $1 ,500?
He goes, they said $75. I go, how about $1 ,500?
And they go, yeah, sure, whatever. What? Jesus
Christ. That's a great negotiation. That's a
giant. What about $5 ,000? What about $10 ,000?
Well, he's Anthony Robbins. He's rich as fuck.
So rich. Yeah, I mean, that guy's been selling
inspiration for 40 years. That's wild. You ever
see the video of him going to, he has a house
in Bali, and him making all his servants sing
to him? No. That's fucking hilarious. What? Sing
to him? He makes them sing to him? That's fucking
one of my favorites. How does he make them? Sing
to me. Did he guess the whip out? I'm sure he
would never see this, but it's a video he goes
to his place. I'm sure he would have a different
version of this story altogether. If you saw
it, you can see the look in the gardener's face.
He makes everyone stop working, and then they
all do a traditional Bali chant. And you can
see they're just like, oh, fucking. Okay, here
we go. Oh, boy. White guy wants us to sing. And
also be on film. And also be on film. And also
be on the internet. this is it's got to be the
video where he's like and i could see that he
still kind of had like a like a kid's approach
to the whole thing are we on time am i late they
had to see the rock he's a big motherfucker he's
got legit giantism a group of people who worked
at namale had formed a semicircle saying a traditional
Fiji farewell to the glasses is not here to say
goodbye again. I'm so sorry, but I look forward
to coming back home to see all the family again.
It's been a beautiful, beautiful trip. He's got
a staff when you're in a resort. He's got a very
magnetic personality. Totally. He's not for everyone.
There are plenty of. It's not for you, bro. And
that's why you're not successful, motherfucker.
That guy needs to do squats. That guy's my favorite.
Same for the son in the back. He needs to, like,
so this is his staff for his home? Oh, yeah.
Look at his shirt. It's the Anthony Bourdain
Resort. Anthony Bourdain Resort? Yeah. So he's
got a resort that you can visit? You mean Robbins?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is Bourdain. All them
Anthony's, you know how it is. I was like, yeah,
what? Those Anthony's are all the same to me.
Yeah, he's got giantism, you know? Yeah. Yeah,
I think he's got like a pituitary gland issue.
He's an enormous man. You have that. Pituitaryism?
I wish. There's a few people there that are unenthusiastically
clapping in that chain. It's my favorite video.
Let's go. I want to go back. I want to go back
because we glossed over that we came back. When
we were in the green room, you were talking about
your blood pressure. You were talking about your
inflammation and how good you feel just five
days off of booze. What a difference it's made.
Yeah, I feel phenomenal. My blood pressure dropped
immediately into perfect blood pressure. It's
140 over 90 if I'm partying hard. And then two
days after drinking, it's... 120 over 70. Two
days? Yeah. And my blood pressure drops. I mean,
my stomach, my stomach starts making noises,
like, really aggressive. Didn't it inflame at
first? Yeah, it super inflamed, and then it just
starts going... Dude, that's pretty fucking good.
That's a good impression of whatever the fuck
was happening. I mean, that's another level.
I was farting so aggressively the first day not
drinking. I was at the store, and I was trying
to have a conversation with someone about disc
golf, and I had my ass in the main room towards
the bathroom, and I was ripping farts that were
just coming. I think my inflammation is so bad,
it kind of blocks up my stomach. And I was gassy
as fucking shit. But I don't think you account
for how much you, like, when you drink normal
Burt drinking, which is a lot, you also eat crazy.
You eat crazy. I eat wild. I don't eat bad. Last
night, I grabbed those tacos and the bell pepper,
brought it home, and I went, I don't want this.
Bullshit. I gave it to John Manns and my assistant,
Peter. That was an aggressive bullshit, Ari.
You want to call him right now? I don't believe
you. I don't believe you then. Wow, this is aggressive.
But wait, so don't you think both... Literally,
multiple homeless people said, hey, are you eating
that food? And you go, yeah, I took it to eat
it. Yeah, I wanted to, but I got home and I went...
So you were walking around and homeless people
were asking you for your food? Yeah, you got
a to -go box. Welcome to Austin, Joe. Where are
you walking where homeless people were asking
you for your food? From the Vulcan. From the
Vulcan. So you walked all the way to... No, no,
I just walked outside the Vulcan and there was
a plethora of homeless people going, hey, can
I get... food from you. Is that a doggy bag?
Can I have it? Why didn't you just give him the
food then? He took it to eat it. Well, at first
I took it because I hadn't eaten all day. Right.
Then you brought it back and decided not to eat
it. I got home. Here's one of the things that
happened a little bit. I got this full metabolic
blood panel, full comprehensive concierge doctor
visit. And the guy said, we were talking about
changing my lifestyle. And I was, you know, there
was a period of time, Tom knows this, where I
was throwing up while I slept and breathing into
my lungs. It's called aspirating. And it was
fucking, it was giving me hardcore acid reflux.
And I went to the doctor and the doctor said,
listen, man, this is going to affect your career.
You're not going to be able to talk. I was losing
my voice like crazy. He goes, you got to stop
eating before you go to bed. And I stopped entirely.
I stopped eating before I went to bed because
I saw direct reflection in my career. I could
do it. And so then this other doctor, he's like,
you need to lose weight. And he's like, here's
why I think you can do that. Because you did
it with the eating before you went to bed. So
you can change your lifestyle. It's possible.
So last night when I went home, I brought the
food because that's my impulse. Set it down,
called Manz and Peter. They came up to my room.
They ate it. And I went, I'll be throwing this
up in my throat all fucking night. All night
I won't sleep. I won't feel rested. I'll go into
the podcast feeling like shit. I didn't eat any
of it. I didn't eat any of it. Good for you.
Yeah. It's a great story. Do you want to call
it bullshit? No, he just says the story sucked.
No, no. I meant it's a tall tale. So, did not.
He couldn't even tell you what was in the tacos.
Couldn't even tell you. Those tacos are good.
That's CM Smokehouse. It's six days. We're six
days in. Couldn't be in there. Have you already
weighed differently? I lost like eight pounds.
How's your tits and your arms? Ari could barely
hold the mic last night. I have to keep switching
arms from the push -ups. I can't hold a phone
to my head for like two minutes. I have to switch
arms. I look amazing. Do you do? I'll show you
a picture right now. Right now? I'm looking at
you. No, no, no. Shirtless. What the fuck are
you saying? Shirtless. Shirtless? I took this
picture. Did I send you a picture of me shirtless?
Shut the fuck up. Your picture was, I opened
it on the plane, and it's unreal. Like I wanted
to leak it. Yeah. I'm on testosterone. Unlike
the liver King. I'll tell you the truth. The
be honest, be honest. Is that a good picture?
No, I'll say no. And I didn't even look at it.
Not bad. Not bad. You got a good cock. You got
a good cock. My shoulders and chest though. Not
bad, right? Your cock is a good, solid cock.
Thank you. Thank you. Especially limp. Yeah,
thank you. Well, I fluffed it. I fluffed it.
Did you fluff a little? I fluffed it. I got it
hard. I walked by the mirror, and I was like,
I look good. I was like, I'm going to take a
picture. I'll fluff myself alone in a hotel room
to walk by the mirror just to see myself. Just
to see your max potential? No, just to feel like,
oh, that's normal. You ever put a rubber band
around your dick and balls, like the whole thing?
Sure, yeah. Just to keep it. All together. All
together in a package and just fucking keep that
blood in there. They used to have Speedos that
had cock rings in them that would shove your
shit up front and you look awesome. Jesus. What
the fuck was that? I think you almost are aspirated.
So you go to this concierge service. You get
all this blood panel done. Yeah. And what is
the guy, what kind of advice is he giving you?
Well, first of all, he thought I was a liar.
Like when we sat down, he was like much like
Ari. He goes, how much you drink? You're honest.
I tell him everything. And he goes, don't work
out. And I said, what? He goes, do not work out.
I don't want you in a gym. I don't want you doing
anything. He goes, you are high risk to literally
have a stroke, a heart attack. And I went, actually.
And by the way, we did a quarter artery scans
on my neck. Did a KG and everything. Did everything.
And he's like. And we haven't gotten the results
yet. And I said, I actually go to a cardiologist
every six months. I work out pretty fucking hard.
I'm not going to stop working out. It's kind
of my thing is I wake up, I party, and then I
wake up, and then I work out hard as fuck. I
think I'm fine. He goes, trust me, what you're
telling me, if you work out, you'll have a stroke
and you're going to die. And he's probably telling
you that because most people would. But is he
telling you this based on the volume of alcohol?
Based on just a conversation, an interview of
like, how much do you drink? My weight. Most
people who would drink, like, heat drinks would
not be active. Would be dead, yeah. And so I
told him, I said, hey, man, I'm not going to
change anything. If you want to have that conversation
when we get my blood work back and all my tests,
that's fine. But I said, I don't think you're
going to find any blockage anywhere because I've
already had all these. I'm already on medication.
I'm on blood thinners. I think I'm going to be
fine. I'm going to continue to work out. I'll
scale it back a titch. A titch? A titch. But,
like, I mean, just usually I go until, like,
I work out pretty fucking hard. And so. Yeah,
I worked out with you on a gym. You do. You get
after it. And so blood work comes back like two
days later, three days later, and he's like,
I don't know what to tell you. He's like, none
of it makes sense. He's like, you have no blockage.
From what you're telling me, either you're lying
to me or. He's got a test for the mental dream.
Well, I think you're a very unusual specimen.
And Tom and I were talking about this. Like if
you didn't drink and party and you just like
worked out all the time, I think you'd be like
a freak athlete. I really do. I really do. I
think you're one of those guys that if you just
didn't party at all and hit the gym and trained
your whole life, you'd be a fucking freak. I
really think that. I don't disagree. I really
enjoy working out. I do enjoy it, and I work
out really hard. Working out sober hard. I don't
think I've ever worked out this hard sober with
direction. You work out, you get drunk and then
work out? I have, yeah. Wow. He drinks wine on
the treadmill. It's my favorite thing in the
world. Have you ever done it? It's so much fun.
No one's done it. Oh, it's the fucking best.
No. Oh, it's the best. I like to get high and
work out, though. Yeah. Oh, my God. I like to
get really high, like so high I'm scared of heights.
High and shoot hoops is fun. High and play pool
is the best. You know where the ball's going.
You feel it more. High and poker, I see through
people. Ooh, that's interesting. Ooh, you see
the lies. Yeah, I just go right. I just like,
I know what everybody's holding. It's great.
Wow. Edibles or smoking? Weed, weed. And then
every break, you got to run back to your car,
smoke a bunch, and come back. Get more power.
Get more power. Yeah. But that's why I was saying
edibles. Would edibles give you the same result?
I don't know. It might be too crazy. Sir, it's
your turn to play. Ooh. I can't handle truth.
Yeah. Yeah. But getting high and lifting weights,
man, you just fucking feel like every fiber of
your muscles. Like when you're doing chin -ups
when you're high, it's like you feel like you
feel it all. You feel like all the fibers working
together. Like stretching when you're high. Stretching
is good. Everything is pop, pop, pop. So yoga
would be dope. Yoga is amazing high. I bet yoga
high would be fucking hot. Yoga is amazing high.
Yeah, well, in India, a lot of the yogis, they
smoke chillums. They do hashish, and they do
yoga. How about hot box yoga? And just fill that
room up with weed smoke. Yeah, like one of them
smoke machines? Yeah, just keep pumping it in.
Dude, I know a guy with a hot yoga studio in
his office. Yeah. Me. That's what I was going
to say. Let's do it. The guy. It's right here.
Wait, you crank up the heat in there? No, I have
a hot yoga studio in one of my – you didn't see
it? I didn't show it to you? I don't remember.
It's in the South Wing. It's wild. Yeah, I have
a hot yoga room. So you can turn it up to whatever.
Yeah, it's bigger than this room, and it has
its own heating system. And so it's completely
isolated from the rest of the gym. So you can
crank it up to 105, whatever the fuck you want.
You want to get crazy, you can go 130. Fuck.
I know a lot of guys who do. There's a company
that makes an infrared sauna that's designed
specifically for working out in. It has like
chin -up bars and shit. See what you'll find
with that is. It's a different kind of sauna
than I use. I use like the traditional rock sauna,
like the hot rocks. How hot do you go? I do 185.
Infrared's a little more sustainable, meaning
I had an infrared one for a while. I have the
hot rock one. I love the hot rock one. But infrared,
you can go in and actually sit in there for 35
minutes and you build. Yeah, but see, that's
the problem. The problem is, like, the reason
why it's uncomfortable when you're going really
hot. is like that's what you need because that's
how your body builds the heat shock proteins.
There's not the same kind of studies that are
done on infrared saunas. Like the 20 -year Finland
study, there's a Finland study that showed a
40 % decrease in all -cause mortality for people
who use the sauna four times a week, 20 minutes
at a time, and I think it's 170, 175 degrees.
But they showed a 40 % decrease in strokes, heart
attacks, like everything, cancer. Well, it's
non -impact cardiovascular, correct? It is. I'm
parroting. you, I think. You're sitting there
and your heart is... I wore the heart strap the
other day. I wore it too. An hour at the Schwitz.
134, 135, so you're at a slow, steady heart because
I'm hot as balls in there. 400 calories I got.
What's it called? What's the company called?
I don't know. Lux sauna. Wait, is that speed
bags in a sauna? Yeah, yeah. Speed bags in a
sauna. They have chin -up bars. There's certain
saunas that I know a bunch of MMA fighters are
using them. But the thing is, this is definitely
better than no sauna. But the thing about the
hot sauna, this is what Laird Hamilton told me.
Laird Hamilton does it with oven mitts. Well,
he gets on an airdyne bike. But he does it in
a regular dry sauna. So what's wrong with the
infrared? Nothing. No, it's great for you. Infrared's
meant to increase your core body temperature
before your skin. on sauna and longevity and
health that came out of Finland where these really
amazing studies that I was just citing. And that's
with a regular sauna. And the thing about the
regular sauna is it's more uncomfortable. But
the more uncomfortable one is the one that jacks
your heart rate up and it also makes your body
work harder and that's what produces the heat
shock proteins. At least that's what I've been
told. And this is talking to Dr. Rhonda Patrick
and Laird Hamilton and Andrew Huberman and all
these scientists where they're talking about
the specific... things that happen in your body
your body produces cytokines it produces these
anti -inflammatory heat shock proteins that are
just fucking phenomenal for everything i dude
i crave it so bad when i'm on the road and i
come home sometimes i'll get home at night and
everyone's asleep i'll just fire up the fucking
sauna it's so great yeah that's the dream have
you ever my dad has one in his basement and it's
just like it's they all go to sleep it's the
best thing to have right now it makes you feel
so relaxed when you're done and with the combination
of that and the cold plunge dude so When I get
home, I get in the sauna. I got a Salus sauna,
and then I got that Morosco Forge at home. And
we have the Blue Cube here, which is pretty dope,
too. The Blue Cube cold plunge, the water circulates.
So it's like you're in a fucking river. It's
like you never get a thermal layer around your
skin, so you're never comfortable. When you get
out of that fucking thing after three minutes,
you're like, ah. Yeah, the relaxation. The weight
of the world is gone. Did you ever see the video
I did where I had my whoop on, and I did my heart
rate in the sauna? And then I went right into
the polar plunge, and it went from 145 to 65
in like three minutes. Wow. See if you can find
it. It's sped up so you can see it. But my whoop,
my fucking. I can't tell if I slept good unless
I look at my fucking recovery next morning. What
is that strap? It's a fancy strap. What is it,
like a tie -dye? No, it's camo. Camo. Have you
noticed? Do you have different recovery since
you stopped drinking? Oh, well, my recovery on
tequila is better than my recovery without alcohol.
That's insane. So 141, right? 140. And then I
just get in the sauna. Who did this video for
you? I did. How do they do that? You can do it
on Whoop. They have a video thing. Oh, nice.
Where you can record yourself. I do it every
time I go in the sauna. I record my heart rate
dropping. And so you go right in and look at...
I got to keep my hand out so my Whoop monitors
it. Is this next to your old place? That's my
new house. If you put your hand under, the Whoop
won't monitor it? No. Wow, that's quick. Oh,
yeah, you got to take out a shower. It's dropping
your heart now. In two minutes, I'm already in
the 70s. Wow. That's wild. Isn't that crazy?
It's just 66 in three minutes. That's incredible.
And then back up a little. Yeah. What temperature
do you keep your cold plunger? The dick looks
so small on that. Yeah, dick does not look the
same size. Can we back that up and see the dick?
Can we zoom in? I love that cold plunge. Yeah,
cold plunges are the best. They're just not priced
right. In my opinion. What do you mean? Priced
right? Cost too much? For the average person
listening, they're going, oh, I should get one.
And then you go and you're like, oh, it's $12
,000. Yeah, it should be like $800. Some of them
are more. The really good ones are even more.
Are they really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one
sent to me by Cold Plunge, I think the name of
the company. Yeah. It's great. They're expensive.
But you can always just get water and ice. You
know, you just fill a tub up with cold water
and go to the fucking, you know. The old football
ones? It's just a metal tin. Gets pricey. Gets
pricey. Does it? Ice? That's how I used to do
it, was with a bathtub. And how we do it on the
road, we travel with a bathtub. You can get ice
out of venues cheap, but no one's performing
in fucking venues that have ice. It's about $300
for... Oh, fuck. I used to go to North Hollywood
Ice. It's $300 for... 300 pounds ice and you
need definitely like a hundred pounds ice to
be able to do a cold plunge So then you think
about if you use it for a year you're really
better off getting a real cold That's that's
why they're priced the way they are and well
It's complicated the morosco like develops actual
ice like I climb in it, and I'm pushing ice away
to get it, but you do 34 degrees 34 you're fucking
out of here. I'm 42 Yeah, I do 42 is very doable
for I do four minutes And do some box breathing
in there. I don't think he knows the difference
between 40 and 30. Really? It's just cold as
fuck. I noticed the difference because I got
mine. I can tell the difference in the 30s. Yeah.
I got mine at 50. I started at 50 just to see
what it was. And I was like, oh, this is cold.
I mean, if you're going from nothing to 50, you're
like, it's cold as fuck to get into 50 degrees.
Yeah. And then I started lowering it. And I felt
like within days I could notice the difference
going to like 46 felt. So much colder than 50.
Yeah. You know, it was only four degrees. My
daughter's friends were over the house. Yeah.
And I told them I'd give them $1 ,000 if they
could do a minute in it. Yeah. I gave three kids
$1 ,000. Really? 12 -year -olds. Yeah. And the
parents were like, what the fuck? I'm like, they
earned it. They earned it. I just wanted to show
them they could do it. And were they fucking
losing their minds or they were pretty confused?
And they got out. What? And they're fucking flexing.
Slay. It's hilarious. Dude, I met a guy at the
Schwitz who's a fan of yours. It was fun. That's
great. It was fun. I took $300 in a plastic bag
and put a rock in it at a party, and I threw
it in the pool. And I go, who was it? One of
Georgia's friends fully clothed dives in the
pool. Why not? Yeah, why not? It's fucking awesome.
But these kids were so pumped. And their parents
were like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah. It's
a hard thing to do. Sure. And I'm showing. them
if you can do this very difficult thing a minute
in a cold plunge when you're fucking it's very
hard 30 seconds is like enough 90 pounds and
you're 12 years old Were their parents like,
hey, Joe, can I get a grand if I spend a fucking
million? Probably were, but they probably didn't
want to say it. You know, that's the story that
will last longest with you in your life is those
kids will never fucking forget that. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And they're just thinking about all the
things. I gave them $100 bills, too. Crisp hundreds.
Yeah. Yeah. God, I love that. I love that energy.
Yeah. I used to do Chinese New Year's. We do
a big Chinese New Year's. We're friends with
Chinese. Everyone dresses in red, and I get,
like, whatever the year is, I get that all in
crisp ones. And then I make kids gamble for it,
and I make them do shit. It's very Chinese. Very
Chinese. Very Chinese. We play a game called
spoons, where, you know, you put five spoons
on the table, six kids are playing, and you pass
cards, go around. And anytime anyone gets four
of a kind, everyone reaches for a spoon and they
fight for it. And I'll put a hundred bucks. I
go, all right, game of spoons, a hundred bucks.
And you just watch kids. A hundred bucks to a
kid is a lot. That's the fucking best. Oliver
Stone thought I was a fucking lunatic. Why did
Oliver Stone think you were a lunatic? Did you
just name drop Oliver Stone? He was there. Tom
knows it. He was there and I was pretty drunk
and I was fucking shirtless making kids fight.
He was like, I'm such a big fan. I love the Godfather.
And Stone was like, what the fuck are you talking
about? I love the Godfather. Hammered. I love
the Godfather. Didn't you fight in Vietnam? He
was so, he so did not feel my energy. I was like.
He's a weed smoker. Oliver Stone. I smoked weed
with Oliver Stone. That was awesome. We smoked
weed and talked about JFK. That is your dream
conversation. The only thing that could be better
is he knows a lot about the pyramids. It was
amazing. It's because he's talking about the
events that led up to the JFK assassination and
all the cover -up and everything after the fact,
and he's citing it from memory. I mean, in depth.
details of the Kennedy assassination, just right
from memory. And this is like around the time
that the Showtime documentary on the, I don't
know if you've ever seen it. She's got a Showtime
series. I did see JFK. I saw his series where
he went to Russia. Oh yeah, with Putin? Yeah,
yeah. He went to Russia with Putin and they watched
Dr. Strangelove. Yeah, that's right. They watched
that Kubrick film. Yes. Amazing. Amazing, yeah.
And they talked about, you know, all of kind
of... Putin policies. With Putin? Yeah, with
him. He said that Putin was being treated for
cancer back then. Really? I bet they got a new
treatment that no one knows about. They definitely
have new treatments. There was a treatment that
was just in the news the other day. What was
it? It's like a version of the herpes virus.
Google this. It's like a mild version of the
herpes virus that they gave someone. They injected
it into them, and it killed their cancer. Shut
up. Yeah. That's something I'd love to discover.
You're on the slide. You're like, you know, no
one that has herpes has ever gotten cancer. Joe
List doesn't have cancer. Yeah. Interesting.
Yeah, Jamie, there it is. A man's cancer vanished
after he was injected with a weakened herpes
virus in promising clinical trial. Imagine that.
Like guys with herpes would just be lining up
to bang chicks with breast cancer. I can live.
but I can only fuck sluts. How great would it
be to have to go catch herpes to cure your cancer?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Imagine if you're
a woman and you have ovarian cancer and they're
like, I got good news and bad news. The bad news
is you got ovarian cancer. The good news is my
cousin has herpes and he's willing to cure you.
The only way, but you got to get it all the way
up in there so he's got to shoot a live one down
the hatch. He's going to have to be there a few
times. So we're going to have to plan it with
your ovulation to make sure that you're not getting
his pregnant, his baby. That was pretty wild,
though. That's incredible. Yeah. But that's one
of the cool things is like, you know, they find
things out sometimes accidentally. You always
wonder, too, what the. like the most powerful
people have access to. Yeah. You know, they always
go like this. Yeah. But then like something will
happen like Paul Allen, you know, the Microsoft
co -founder? Yeah. Like he died. Well, he was
like really unhealthy and didn't exercise at
all. At all. But he just got, I think, non -Hodgkin's
lymphoma or some cancer and then he just declined
and died. He was very obese. Yeah. And he also,
just because you're wealthy doesn't mean you
get after it. Like try to chase down what's wrong.
Right, right. Because the other people in your
life, Like, if this motherfucker dies, I'll get
paid. Yeah. Also, you would just accept it. Yeah.
Other level paid. Billions of dollars. You probably
wouldn't be really encouraging him to go to the
oncologist. Like, you look good. Like, I look
like great cardboard. These doctors don't know
what they're talking about. You need a rest,
man. I made that up. It's all for profit. All
you need to do is just breathe. Eat an apple.
You're fine. Yeah, you're going to be good. Have
some greens. I think his sister. Like somebody
who has no, like nothing to do with anything.
He just like took over his estate. Oh, man. Like
just happens to be his sister. Happens to be
his sister. Now she's balling. That's got to
be wild. Yeah. You didn't do anything to earn
it. And then all of a sudden you have billions.
That was that great Bill Burbitt about Tiger
Woods' ex -wife. He's like, you didn't stand
over an eight foot putt with a fucking green
jacket on the line. Having the yips, having to
fucking do it. You got half a billion? Yeah.
Yeah, and then he had a bit about Kobe Bryant
too, the same kind of bit. I made that joke last
night on stage. What? About when I was talking
about that age -appropriate lady. Oh, yeah? I
said, those are the eyes you want to look in
when you die. Eyes that are your age. You don't
want to look at some 21 -year -old girl on your
deathbed. She's like, hurry up, I have yoga class.
Licking her lips. Yeah, ooh. She's got the rolled
-up mat under her armpit while you're dying.
On your deathbed, you want to see someone. Bleak.
Bleak. She's on her phone. She's got her tights.
Swiping. Yeah, yeah. Her fucking hot yoga instructor
is ready to comfort her. Yeah, get me on some
anti -aging shit. I don't want to die. Let's
talk about Dana White. You've got to stop drinking.
We'll get to Dana White. But this is why... We
should tell him what Andrew Huberman told him.
What did Andrew Huberman do? We were on the phone
with him during a podcast and he had just...
Posted that week about you know, he killed he'll
have like topics and themes for his podcast,
right? Yeah, and it was just all about alcohol
and he was basically like There is just clear
data that is undeniable that alcohol has negative
effects on you and it is undeniable and here's
all the data you know breaking down how it affects
the brain and the organs of the system and then
he's like well i mean like what can you know
can i drink and and andrew's like well yes studies
show that if you want to have One to two drinks.
And he goes, a week. A week? Well, that's what
Andrew's saying. That would be fine. There was
actually a study recently that linked decline
in cognitive function to abstinence from alcohol.
Decline? Yeah, abstinence from alcohol. Yeah,
dementia, decline from alcohol is correlated
with abstinence from alcohol. See if you can
find that, Jamie. Correlated. Yeah, no, they
think that people who don't drink alcohol, I
don't know if correlation doesn't equal causation,
right? But there's some sort of a connection.
I think it's a relaxation thing. And I was talking
about this with my dad last night, my stepdad.
He's actually my dad. I should call him my dad.
We were talking about... He has a lot of past
going into that statement. He's a great guy.
I love him. But we were talking about it. He
has always been a guy, after work, works hard,
has a drink. Maybe two. Just relaxes. And I was
like, I think there's something to be said for
that. I think there's something to be said for
just the way it makes you feel. Increased risk
for all -cause dementia in people who abstain
from alcohol. A recent addiction journal paper
researchers performed an in -depth analysis of
the alcohol -dementia relationship and determined
whether certain levels of alcohol consumption
increases the risk of dementia. And so they found
out that there's an increase in dementia. Dementia
generally affects the elderly and geriatric patients,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Global presence
of dementia. What does it say here? excessive
alcohol consumption in midlife, Bert, can cause
significant neurotoxic effects on the brain as
compared to other risk factors such as high blood
pressure and diabetes. Despite these different
reports, views of population -based observational
studies indicate that alcohol -dementia relationship
is J -shaped. More specifically, low levels of
alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing
the risk of dementia, whereas excessive alcohol
consumption, BERT, likely increases the risk
of dementia in a dose -dependent manner. Something
about, like, you get home, fucking hard day at
the office, have a cocktail, you're like... That's
how I do it. I think relaxation is so goddamn
important. That's my brand. Massage therapy.
Yes. It's fucking so good. Just enjoying life,
man. You remember I texted you when I was in
Italy on vacation? Yes, I do. I've never seen
you happier in your life. I was drunk. I was
eating pasta. I felt so good. I felt so good.
With my family. With my family. Looking at the
ocean. Ah. Yeah, it was rad. What the fuck is
it about the ocean? It's so different. It's so
relaxing. We spent the summer at the ocean, and
here we live on a lake. There's no comparison.
Lakes are rad. Lakes are nice, but ocean is the
motherfucker. It is a totally different thing.
I got a house once for three months when I was
in Malibu. Yeah. We were getting our kitchen
remodeled, and I said, let's just rent a house.
We rented a house on the water. It's fucking
amazing. You're eating breakfast, and the water's
right there. You just stare out at it. Those
rich people aren't stupid. There's a reason why
they're paying fucking $100 million for a house.
It's like on a quarter of an acre. The ultimate
was, you know, we'd always talked about surfing
and I've always wanted to surf. So I set a goal
for myself. I had two months off, no touring.
I said, I'm gonna go to Hawaii at the end of
two months. I'm gonna lose weight, get into the
240s. And I'm gonna get, because my hardest part
is standing up on a board when you're fat. So
I lost the weight, flew my daughter right before
she went to college, my sister, my cameraman
and my assistant down. We all went to Hawaii,
stayed at Turtle Bay, did Jamie O 'Brien's surf
experience. And I surfed. Like, I surfed fucking
solid two days. Caught probably 25 waves. And
there is a genuine, surreal... connection with
the earth when you're on a board sliding down
a wave and you're moving over on the wave and
you're just watching it. It's the coolest fucking
thing that I've ever done. And then you look
at these guys like Nathan Florence and Kai Lenny
and Koa Rothman who they're like fucking savages
and they're going into jaws, toed in and you're
just like... That's a different thing though.
Those guys are adrenaline junkies to the extreme.
The connection those guys have with the ocean
is so primal. I mean, you're right. Dude, do
you know what would happen every day? Because
we did the same thing. We rented a house in Malibu.
Because the tide changes every day, right? Yeah.
And when at low tide, sometimes the low tide
would be, let's say, at 8 a .m. So you'd look
out, and the water would be so far out that there
would be... rocks that you normally don't see,
right? And you're like, oh, wow, you can walk
into the ocean because the tide's so low. Dude,
high tide made me respect and fear the ocean
so much. Why, what do you mean? Because it would
come up and hit the house with such violence
on some days that you would go, if I, an adult...
Who can swim? We're down here right now. Like
most likely you would get pulled out and die.
Yeah, that happens all the time. I know, but
like when you're living there, when you're living
there, you're like, holy shit. You're seeing
it every day. You look down. Well, you know,
the difference for me was at night. Yeah. During
the day, the ocean is like this beautiful, inviting,
wonderful thing. At night, it's dark. And you
just realize, oh, my God, that's like a fucking
hundred trillion gallons of water. Like, what
the fuck is that? The guy who discovered Hawaii.
Not discovered. Obviously, they're people that
are first. John Cook. John Cook. Is that his
name? Captain Cook. They ate him. They ate him?
They ate him. Really? They didn't eat him. Yeah.
No, they didn't eat him. I just, when I was in
Hawaii, I watched. I like that story. They ate
him. I like Ari's story better. They killed him
and ate him. Let's go with Ari's story. Well,
you know what? He couldn't swim. Isn't that crazy?
He got in a boat and he couldn't swim? He couldn't.
How long does it take to learn to swim? That's
how they got him. I think I could learn to swim
in about 10 minutes. It's not like doing jujitsu.
It's you fucking do this. I think it's so built
up in your head that by the time you get in there,
it's panic. Yeah, but you could laugh. You live
on a boat. How do you not learn how to swim?
He never learned how to swim. That's how they
got him. He went in, and he tried to escape,
get to the water, and he had to stop at the water.
He's like, I don't know what to do in there.
He fucking traveled the world, discovered the
Sandwich Islands and all of Hawaii. They're called
the Sandwich Islands? In Italy, they're called
the Sandwich Islands. What a fucking weird thing
to not know how to do. I can understand if you
don't grow up near a pool and you never learn.
Yeah, yeah. Don't fuck. If you're a boat captain,
it's ridiculous. There's a lot of comics that
don't know how to swim. Who? I'm not going to
say his name. Say his name. No, it's not cool.
Call them out. Well, just spell it out. S -E
-B -A. Maniscalco? He doesn't know how to swim?
Oh, I could teach him. Isn't he embarrassed?
Aren't you embarrassed? I'm sorry, Sebastian.
He's a great guy. It's one of my favorite bits.
I watched him talk about it on stage. About how
he can't swim? Crying, laughing. He talked about
it on stage how he can't swim and you won't say
it. It's his bit. I don't want to fuck with his
bit. But that's not fucking with his bit. I went
backstage and I was like, that's fucking hilarious.
And he's like, eh. And I go, you really can't
swim? And he goes, no. He goes, no, not everyone
can swim. He's got a pool. I go, everyone can
swim. What? He's got a pool. What, does he put
the floaties in his arm? No, he was taking swimming
lessons, and it was hilarious to hear a grown
man. So if he took swimming lessons, now he knows
how to swim. No. Fuck he failed his lessons.
I don't know Keep that he keep fishing him out.
He did it on stage and it's got a crying laughing
kind of humiliating to be an adult As a kid,
you know, it's really when you kick it swim better
than you I had a dog, my Mastiff, he never learned
how to swim. He just was not interested in swimming.
I'd pick him up, I'd take him in the water, and
he'd just swim right back to the stairs. I'm
like, come on, Johnny, let's go. Let's try, yeah.
But Marshall, the golden retriever, it's like
in his DNA. When he was a puppy, when he was
a puppy, we were in the pool, and he's like,
fuck yeah! Woo! Some kids take to it quick. My
oldest took to it real quick. Yeah? Yeah, he
swims like a fucking lunatic now. I think if
they just do it early, it's fun. You gotta do
it early. You gotta get your dog in the pool
right away. Does Marshall dive down? Oh, yeah.
Dives underwater? He would. I mean, if the ball's
underwater, he'll go underwater. That's a water
dog, though. He's a golden retriever. Mastiffs
are not our old mastiff, Priscilla. The funniest
fucking... look on her face one time she fell
into the pool we didn't know she fell into the
pool she fell into the pool she got herself out
of the pool and I saw this look in her face she's
by the pool and you can see it in her eyes like
I just witnessed death but I didn't figure it
out and I was like wait why are you soaking wet
Why are you sucking wet? She's looking at me
like, I almost just died. No one's going to fucking
save me. Oh, my God. The poor dog. Dude, I get
banded when we just have the look of like, I'm
going to put her in the pool. Like, she'll be
fine by the pool. And you look at her. She knows
the look. She's like, get the fuck away from
me. And then she just starts running away. She
knows what we're going to do. Was she a rescue?
Yeah, but like as a baby. And you just never
got her into a pool? We tried, and then she just
wasn't interested. Yeah, you got to make it fun.
You got to make it fun. But Marshall, I didn't
have to do anything. It's in his DNA. It's in
his DNA, which is really wild. He's got webbed
feet, Joe. Yeah. No, he does. Another thing that's
really wild is the retriever aspect. I didn't
teach that dog at all to bring a ball back. He
just brings it back. The first time I ever threw
a ball to him, he picks it up and he brings it
back. Wow. Knew how to fetch. Instantly. He doesn't
know how to let it go, but he brings it back.
The other day, I came home, I let him outside,
and then I left the door open and went to the
bathroom. I took a leak. I came out of the bathroom,
and he's got a squirrel in his mouth. No! Yeah,
I killed a squirrel. And he's just sitting there.
He caught a squirrel? Instantly. Proud, showing
it off to you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But he came
to me to, like, retrieve and bring a squirrel.
Like, whatever they did to breed those dogs,
it's encoded in their memory. It's encoded in
their DNA. It's really wild. And it's also those
dogs, like Goldens, they are the nicest dogs.
Oh, I like your dog a lot. He's the best. He's
such a sweetie to everybody. Everybody who comes
over to my house, they're like, you're my best
friend. Like new people that he just meets. He
starts whining. He picks up a toy. He always
has to bring a toy to you. He brings something
because those dogs were rewarded for bringing
back birds. He'd shoot a bird. They'd grab the
bird, bring it back to you. They'd retrieve it.
will bring something to you immediately. It's
funny when you see what they're... They're very
gentle males, too. Oh, they're so gentle. What
they're bred for because we had Brussels Griffons
and they're bred for being rat chasers. Oh, yeah.
So when they see... Rodents squirrels and stuff
you just they'll be like and then they're like
See them freak the fuck out. Have you ever seen
that documentary rats on Netflix? No, New York
Jack Russell Terriers Well, it's about a lot
of cities and it's also about the countryside
Jack Russell Terriers were actually designed
or bred for killing rats They're really aggressive
with rats and they fucking tear them apart and
in this documentary They use them to get rats
and so they let these dogs loose and they find
rats rats in this countryside tear them apart
there's a service you can get to go in your if
you have a backyard in New York where you just
have these terriers just piss all over your yard
hunt some rats piss and the rats like that's
not a safe yard get out of there they're smart
as shit man in that documentary here they are
there's those little dogs so these guys are digging
holes to try to find these rats because like
there's these rat little you know dens and shit
and these dogs find them And they're the cutest
little dogs, man, but not to rats. Oh, nice.
Murder it. Murder it. Oh, they do? They kill
it? Oh, they rip it to pieces. Look at this.
All of them. I mean, it's just fucking wild.
That's crazy. That little one's like, give me
some. But meanwhile, these rats have fucking
diseases, so your dog is swallowing the plague.
Yeah, right? Not on the countryside, though.
Yeah, they're not out there. Probably not. Yeah,
you're right. So what do they get in the plague?
Oh, the guts. Fuck. What do they get in the diseases
from? Like our garbage? Our sewers? Good question.
Where are they getting all their diseases? Well,
they'll live in. It must be sewage. Yeah. Because
they live in. They'll run around all the sewage.
You know about, is it a king rat? Oh, rat. Yeah,
yeah. Rat king. The tails get tied up. Yeah,
they get knotted up together somehow. And they
can't move. And they die. Really? It gets into
a knot. Yeah, that's it. Look at that. Rat king.
I thought that was Theo. God damn. It is Theo,
but that's his nickname. But that's a real thing.
They get tangled up together and they die. I
had no idea. I don't understand why they get
that tangled. You seen Banana Rats? No. No, it's
a banana rat. I saw that in Cuba. They have an
infestation of banana rats. What does that mean?
What is it like? Well, they're enormous. They
look like dogs. That's right. They would swim
out to sea and people would rescue them thinking
they're dogs. You're on the island because we
were doing Guantanamo Bay. Torturing people.
What are you doing out there? I did shows. Working
for Al -Qaeda. Oh, my God. Look at the size of
that thing. They're everywhere. Holy. That's
like a copy bar. Yeah, exactly. And they're like,
look at the size of that thing, dude. They pay
a dude, a couple people, just to go around at
night with a .22. And they're like, just shoot
as many as you can. Because you can't keep them
down. When Attell had that show, what was the
show called? Insomniac. Yeah. They hunted nutrias?
Nutrias. Same idea. In New Orleans, right? Yeah.
Same idea. Nutria is an invasive species that,
I forget where it came from, but they. Got over
in America like on ships or something like that.
And now they're everywhere. I've never screamed
higher pitch in my life than when we pulled up
to do a gig in Guantanamo Bay. And the guy driving
the van, he's like naval base, you know, pulls
up and the lights are on. It's night. And he's
like, oh, there's a banana rat right there. You
guys want to see it? Like they're not aggressive
or anything. They're just feeding on the grass.
And we're like, yeah. So he leaves the lights
on from the van. And we all start walking closer
and closer, taking our time step by step. And
then we're like a few feet away and we kind of
bend down. And one of the guys takes his fingers
and goes like this up my back. Like that. I basically,
I went. I've never screamed higher in my life.
Terrifying. It scared the shit out of me. They're
fucking, they look like dogs. Yeah. Nutrients
are huge. And nutrients, people eat them. Apparently
they're delicious. That would be fun to have
in your backyard just with a .22 just at night.
I shot a rat one time with my BB gun at our old
house. I didn't feel so good about it. Really?
I felt really shitty. It was crawling up on the
wire and I had my BB gun. I was like, I wonder
if I can get this. How old were you? 40. It doesn't
feel great to kill an animal. I don't know. Killing
rats feels good. Yeah, here's Attell's. This
is Insomniac. These things are fucking giant.
Look at how young he is. It's the same thing,
yeah. So they were killing them to try to diminish
the population, but in a lot of the country,
people eat them. See if you can find Nutria cooking.
Because apparently they taste good. See how much
gas cost back then? They take them. It was probably
30 cents. Your brain is so fucked up. California
is so fucked up now with gas. My friend took
a photo of a pump near San Francisco. We're talking
about how your dog wants to dive and wants to
retrieve and Ari's looking at gas prices. He's
frugal. It's bred into him. It's bred into him.
It's about breeding. When Ari was doing really
well, when Ari was, not that you're not doing
really well now, but when he started doing really
well and he had a comedy. Central show, and he's
killing it. I'm like, dude, get a fucking BMW.
Get yourself a nice 3 Series, just something
that feels good to drive. It's too expensive.
Why would I do that? What's the point? It's just
an extra expense, and then I'm tied to that.
I went up and down too much. you gotta be you're
on the borderline of getting getting a day job
it's like i'm glad i didn't spend that money
yeah that's ingrained in i think guys me and
you maybe not tom as much but i've always had
a problem spending money because i go you say
that and you just keep buying five houses i don't
buy them leanne buys them oh leanne buys i don't
buy i don't fucking buy anything i had a hard
time buying this watch you remember me well here
i'm one of my favorite stories I go to this great
watch dealer in Vegas. You know her. I think
you bought a watch from her. Chappelle buys watches
from her. It's how you get the green light is
that you know the person, and then they go, I
bring out the inventory. Right. So I look at
it, this watch, and she tells me. Is that Rolex?
Rolex. It's a Submariner. Ten grand. Heard of
that brand. And she goes, and I just can't pull
myself to pull the trigger. Ari's never had a
watch either. He doesn't wear a nice watch. Russell
tried to give me a $10 ,000 watch. I was like,
don't. And he's like, no, you need a watch. I'm
like, dude, stop. I'm just going to pawn it.
You wouldn't wear a nice watch, like a good.
I don't want it on my. No? It's just like. Put
yours on his wrist and let him enjoy it. Well,
okay. So I'm sitting there, Ari. My arms are
sore. This is the one that's comfortable, too,
because it's on a silicone strap. That's my everyday
walk -around watch. I like it. So I'm sitting
at the lady. I'm having a hard time doing it.
I text Tom a picture of the watch. He can barely
use his arms. Look at this guy. I can't believe
it. You should have seen him in the green room
last night doing girl sit -ups, or girl chin
-ups, or push -ups, rather, from his knees. How
many could you do in a row right now, Ari? Real?
Yeah. Three max. Wait, what? His arms are gone.
His arms are destroyed. You've got to realize
we have all been working out during this time.
Ari doesn't work out at all. It looks good on
you, Ari. It does look good. It kind of shifts
up. No, because you make it tighter. If you want
a watch, I will get you a watch. Tell me. Joe,
Joe, Joe. Can I just green light it? I would
love to get you a watch. Please get him a watch.
I'll get you a watch. It's so much fun to wear.
I'll get you a nice Omega Aqua Terra. It's a
nice, kind of subtle, not too flashy, but a really
well -made watch. That white gold sky dweller.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Fucking bling him out.
Make him be the whore he wants to be. You'll
get me murdered in New York. Yeah, I want to
get him something that's under the radar, but
it's a nice, really well -made automatic one.
This makes my wrist look daintier. No, it doesn't.
You actually look like a grown -up all of a sudden.
Yeah, it looks good. It looks good on you. I
like it. Do you want it? No, dude, I appreciate
it. Okay. Yeah, here we go. Diamond Rolex. Yeah,
right. I'd wear that. Ball it! Shut up. Letting
bitches know. I'll tell you the one. Right when
your special comes out, that's what you do. Guys,
I'm killing it with my special. Put it out there.
It's only nine grand. Come on. It's doable. What
if you do, dude, get one with like a Star of
David on the dial? Yes. Right? Chew it up. Yeah.
For the promo stuff? Yeah, why not? If I got
you a watch, would you wear it? I'm just not
a watch wear. Shut the fuck up. You're a watch
wear when you wear a watch. You're a swimmer
when you get in the pool. What the fuck are you
talking about? Joe wasn't a watch guy. Early
on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy.
I remember him saying, like, I'm not buying fucking
fancy watches. I got this G -Shock. I wear this.
I love G -Shocks. And now, oh, look at that.
Oh, is that a Jewish watch? I think that's Arabic
letters. That's Arabic letters. That's beautiful.
That's beautiful. That's a fucking beautiful
watch. But I'm not into diamonds, man. I was
at a jewelry store once, and this guy was explaining
to me how they make diamonds now, like, artificially.
Oh, yeah. And he was like, yeah, but it's a real
problem. I go, why is it a real problem? And
he was coming at it from a diamond seller's perspective.
Sure. He's like, well, you know, I go, is it
a real diamond? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not
legit. It's not legit because it doesn't come
from the ground. I go, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. Is it a fucking diamond? Is it a
diamond or not? It's a diamond. Yeah, but people
get upset if they find out that it's artificial.
But it's an actual diamond. If you make an actual
diamond with a machine, why do you give a fuck
if it came from the ground? I would actually
want it more if it came from technology. I think
that's kind of cool. And it's real. I want a
blood diamond. It's real. It's not like a cubic
zirconia. I want someone with one hand missing
delivering it to me. I want a testimonial from
their fucking orphan children. But women do not
want that fucking man -made diamond. They want
that one that is hard to get. The one that's
hard to get that came from fucking the middle
of Africa. Look at that. That's a fucking nice
watch. That's a beautiful fucking watch. That's
an Omega with a little earth in the center of
it. What is that? Which model is that? Seamaster.
That's fucking beautiful. That's a good looking
watch, Ari. That's you, Ari. That's a fucking
gentleman's watch. That's an Aqua Terra. $47
,000. That's a little pricey. A little pricey.
That's a fucking beautiful watch, though. Look
at that goddamn thing. That's $47 ,000. Isn't
it crazy? It was discounted for $49 ,000. That's
because of the complications, though, for sure.
Is that one of the self -winders? Well, I think
it's got a complication. What is the complication
on that? Well, it probably looks like if you
go back to the dial, I'm sure it has the first
picture. Oh, it's a limited number. I'm going
to tell you the one Artie wants. Make more, stupid.
That doesn't make any sense. What's the one that
Rolex made for Pan Am? Rolex made a steel watch
for Pan Am that for a comedian is the best watch
and affordable. It's dial up here. It's GMT.
It's dial up here so that when you go on the
road, you can change it and it'll tell you the
time of where you are, but you can keep it on
New York time. Or you do the math. Oh, interesting.
I have no fucking idea. New York is three hours
later. Yeah, that is a problem. If you're right,
this is the one you want, Ari. This is a beautiful
watch. That, you'll get robbed. You'll get robbed.
Shut the fuck up, Ari. Of course he'll rob you.
That's a goddamn Rolex. If you have something
that's under the radar, then you'll probably
be all right. It's a hot watch, though. It's
a hot watch. You want something that doesn't
look blingy. Yeah, you don't want to turn people
off with looking at your wrist. You don't want
it to be blingy. You want you perform for far
away from people I perform right up on people
Yeah, if you're like right in the front row and
some guys weren't a $50 ,000 watch that's a little
distracting looking at my arm the whole time
Yeah, but you always say you have trouble spending
money. I don't hold on. Let me tell this is my
favorite So I sent Tom a text at this Rolex place
in Vegas so he checks out and I text and I say
A picture of the watch. And he goes, are you
getting it? And I said, I don't think so. I have
trouble spending money. I have trouble spending
money. I leave the place. Except the guy from
a Rolex store. I leave the place. Well, I like
looking at them. So I leave the place. It must
be fun for the dealer. Tom sends me a very heartfelt
text. Hey, man, you're busting your ass on the
road. You work nonstop. You're gone two weeks
at a time. You have two podcasts. It goes on
in this really heartfelt text. You deserve to
treat yourself every now and then. This is an
affordable treat. Do it for yourself. And so
I go back. I buy the watch. Next day, I'm sitting
and having coffee, looking at the watch, going,
God damn it, I love this fucking watch. I really
love looking at it. It cheers me up. And I call
Tom. I said, hey, man, I appreciate you sending
me that message. Leanne tried to convince me,
and I wouldn't do it, but your message meant
so much to me. He's like, oh, cool. I go, what
are you doing? He goes, well, you know, I sent
you that message, and I realized that shit applies
to me, too. I'm in a Rolex store. I'm buying
a new Rolex. He bought a new Rolex the next day.
Yeah. Tommy's my favorite guy to call about cars
because Tommy and me have the same love of cars.
We go off. We go off and buy cars. Yeah. I remember
when Tom got, he just bought the Porsche, the
blue one, and then you got another one. People
were like, what? What do you have? What are you
driving around? I don't know. The name of it.
It's a Mercedes, but I don't know. How do you
not know? Is it a big one? Like an S series?
It's a big one. The white one. That's a fucking
great car. It's an S550. So S560. That is a great
fucking car. I rented one about two years ago
or so on the road. Oh, my God. That's a great
car. They're so well made. They're so well designed.
You get something out of those cars. There's
a feel that you get when you drive them. You're
like, yeah. I feel like a grown up. It feels
good. a Steely Dan, have a cigar in it. Nice
sound system. They all have great audio now.
It used to be you had to buy a car and then put
stereos in them. Post -market sound system, yeah.
I always used to do that. First thing I used
to do was buy a car and bring it to my guy. Unreal.
Yeah, now the stereos are incredible. They're
in the car. It's like, fuck, man. Yeah, car things
are real. You're lucky you don't have the car
bug. Oh. That's an expensive collection. I don't
drive very often. Like, I always look at guys
who are driving on Sunset in a nice car and I
go, are you guys not partying tonight? Oh, you're
Ubering everywhere. I Uber everywhere. You used
to have that BMW. Five series. That was a nice
car. I said to Georgia, I said, Georgia, this
is going to be your car. She goes, I'm not driving
a five series BMW to school looking like a rich
kid. And I go, yeah, but we leased it. We can
buy it back for like $32 ,000. And she goes,
Dad, I want a regular car like an Explorer. I
go, it's $52 ,000. She goes, yeah, but I don't
want to look like a rich kid. I said, so I'm
going to spend an extra $20 ,000 so you don't
look like a fucking rich kid? She was like, yeah.
This kid played you. That's smart. No, that's
actually smart. She's smart. You have a smart
daughter. She knows the impact of it. She knows
you're rich. She loves her car. That 5 Series
was the first car I got that I was like, oh,
this can't be fun. Yeah, but when you showed
up in the S -Class, you were big balling, dude.
I like that car. That's a fucking great car.
The S -Class is the shit. the shit. You're in
that thing. You feel like a fucking comfortable
gentleman. Chocolate interior. Yeah, you could
smoke cigars in that thing, too. Driving back
from the store the other night, listening to
a little fucking Daryl Hall notes, flying through
the hills, sober. She's a man eater. Oh, here
she comes. What was the song? I was fucking jamming
out. Dance all days, love. Dance all days, love.
It's nice to pull out of the store and just be
sober. My favorite thing was, like, coming down
Laurel, and I'd be listening to, like, some fucking
jam and rage against the machine. Headed to the
store. Wang Chung. Oh, my God. Oh, it's Wang
Chung. It's Wang Chung. I didn't have my glasses
on. Well, it's a white guy. Same guy. It looks
about the same. Good mullet. That's a great song,
too, though. Driving to the store is fun. On
Laurel, you go fast. That's a fun drive. Yeah.
It's also like you're on your way to the fucking
promised land. Like for us as comics, the comedy
store was mecca. Like I remember being an open
miker. An open miker. And I always knew that
I had to get to the comedy store. I'm like, if
I'm going to be a comic, I have to get to the
comedy store. Like when Mitzi passed me as a
paid regular, it was one of the best days of
my life. Like I remember that day like I'm a
real comic. Like I can't believe I'm passed at
the comedy store. It was like. That place, it
was just not a comedy club, man. Did she tell
you or did they call you the next day? She told
me. You're really funny. You're a paid regular
now. I was like, holy shit. Holy shit. I was
on a TV show. I didn't give a fuck about that
show. I was 42, had TV shows, successful touring
comic. I got passed at the store. I didn't tell
anyone. I didn't say a word to anyone. So I was
like, it was a big deal for me. I was really
nervous. I got bumped by Louie. I got bumped
by Tosh. I got bumped by Judd Apatow for my one
paid regular spot. It's now like midnight. And
I get off stage. And I said this last night when
I brought him on stage. Tony Hensliff pulls me
aside, and he goes, I always have a soft spot
in my heart for that guy. He goes, hey, congratulations.
I said, what? And he goes, first paid regular
spot. He's like, let's go do a shot together.
No one knew. Fuck yeah. And I went outside, and
he was like, it's a big deal. It's a big fucking
deal. I did a toast. I did a thing, and I was
like, fuck yeah, thank you, Tony. And I had a
career, but it meant so much to me. There's two
things that I remember from the store that were
like landmark moments. One was becoming a paid
regular, and two, Paul Mooney telling me I was
funny. Wow, that's pretty. cool. Paul Mooney
told you you were funny? Paul Mooney. Paul Mooney
never said that to anybody. And Paul Mooney did
not like me when I first got there. I was this
cute little fucking dummy. He's funny. I was
just like, you know, I was like, okay. But one
night he saw me. It was like 14 people in the
crowd. And I went up and I did my act hard. I
did the full thing. And he was in the back of
the room. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I don't remember what
bit it was, but I remember he shook my hand.
He put his hand on my shoulder. He goes, you're
a funny motherfucker. That's cool. I had to leave.
I had to go out in the hallway. I was like, whoa.
Try to be cool. Try to be like, oh, cool. Thanks,
man. Oh, my God. I was tingling. Like Paul Mooney.
People don't know how goddamn good Paul Mooney
was. He had power. Oh, my God. He would write,
too. When shit would go down, something would
happen, and he would have like 10 minutes of
it that night. Yeah. Like there was the Spirit
Airline. Well, it wasn't Spirit. It was like
one of them budget airlines that crashed in Florida,
and he had this bit about these poor people clutching
onto their purse while alligators were eating
them. It was like the day after the crash. And
then he was like, that's right, motherfucker.
I write. I write. Patrice pulled me aside one
night in New York. And we were at Caroline's.
We did some show. So we go to Edinburgh. And
everyone starts leaving. He grabs me. He goes,
don't leave. I said, why? He goes, Paul Mooney.
This is a gift. Because I didn't know who Paul
Mooney was. Yeah. White people didn't know who
he was. Paul Mooney's here. And I go, who the
fuck's that? And he goes, you're sitting. You're
watching him. So. I ordered a beer, and I sat
down, and I go, I was like, it's getting late,
Patrice. And he goes, shut up, motherfucker.
Look who's behind you. And I turn around, and
it's Eddie Murphy. And he goes, if Eddie Murphy's
coming to watch him, we're staying. And me and
Patrice watched Paul Mooney, and Paul Mooney
had a bottle of champagne on stage, drank the
whole fucking thing. Yeah, those little bottles
he would have. He would drink them, and he would
make a joke, and then hold the bottle up with
two fingers. and you'd hear Eddie Murphy, whatever
his laugh is. Dude, your impressions are on point
there. Say it in ethnicity. Say it in ethnicity.
I'll bang it out. Do it. Go, go, go. Taiwanese.
Hello! Nailed it. Pretty good, pretty good. I
do it all day. I do it all day. Give me a comedian.
I'll do an impression of him. I'll never forget
being in the main room. Being in the main room
one night, and I called you up, and you were
on a motorcycle in Vietnam. Oh, yeah. And I was
like, you got to quit that show. That was a good
bit. I should do that. That was a good story.
Because he called and I was like, he's like,
what are you doing? I was drunk. I'm high. I'm
running through motorcycles through rice paddies
in Vietnam. And he was like, you are the fucking
machine. You got to fucking get away from this
Travel Channel shit. Be a comic. Do this. Fucking
write. If you don't talk about this on stage,
you're wasting your life. Fuck this. He was like,
this is who you are. These experiences are who
you are. And I was like, fuck yeah. And I'm still
high and drunk. Hang up with Joe. And I'm flying
on the motorcycle now. I'm like, I'm the fucking
machine. And then my wife calls. And I was like,
she's like, what's up? And I was like, well,
it works out well with Joe. I'm drunk, I'm high,
I'm on a motorcycle, and I'm flying through rice
paddies in Vietnam. She's like, you dumb motherfucker.
You're a father of two. You have high blood pressure.
Walk that thing home. Walk it home. What a different
way of looking at the same situation. Can you
imagine, though, being a woman, and you're waiting
on this guy, and he's making a living. You're
the breadwinner of the household, and you're
a wild person. You're out there drinking. You're
on a motorcycle. You're in another country. He's
a crazy person. If you break your leg, they're
just going to saw it off. Terrified. I mean,
imagine counting on someone like you, whereas
a friend is like, yes, go for it. But I don't
rely on you for money. I couldn't imagine. It's
funny, I rely on you for money. Not anymore,
you don't. Hey, guys, this weekend, Youngstown,
Charlottesville. Florence and Carlston. BertBertBert
.com. Is it BertKreischer .com now? BertBertBert.
Still BertBertBert. Something's burning back.
Are you going to come do an episode of Something's
Burning? Fuck yes. Fuck yes. You tell me about
the Eddie Bravo one, because Eddie Bravo is one
of the funniest guys that's ever lived. Eddie
Bravo comes in, and Sam doesn't drink. And I
go, you want a drink, Eddie? And he's like, fuck
yeah! That's a good Eddie impression, right?
Fuck yeah! And so I make him a Tito's and soda,
and me and him start going drink for drink. Tito's
soda. And he is on a fucking burner. He is telling
bits. He is killing top to bottom. At one point
I go, Eddie, you stand in front of the Lord and
you got one thing to tell him. You do great.
What is it? And he goes, I choke out motherfuckers
with my legs. He told this story. He told a story
about fucking a girl with a stinky pussy and
stinky feet. It's one of the funniest stories.
He told me that in Australia. How funny is that
story? Mixing colors. He said it was like blue
and yellow mixed green. And he goes, I had to
get her vitamins. I had to get her vitamins.
I was in love with this girl. He brought out
a book. He's showing her about nutrition. This
is what's going on with your vagina. He is so
fucking funny. We did. And then, by the way.
I had to do an integration for Solo Stove. So,
like, we had to do the episode. And then at the
end, you know, to pay for the thing, we all go
outside and do an integration. We cook outside.
And Eddie Bravo's going off about mosquitoes.
I don't remember having itching sauce when I
was a kid. Then we go into my house. We're still
drinking. Isla comes down. She goes, and I go,
hey, Isla, you've always wanted to do jujitsu.
And Eddie's like, you'll never get raped. Jesus
Christ. He's awful. And then I sent her up to
private lessons. Eddie is the, I'm telling you,
man. He's very cool. He's the fucking greatest.
He let me train when I was at my port. He let
me train free for like two years. Dude, he, man,
that guy, he murdered the heart. Him, something's
about him. I gotta say. Oh, him, Mark Norman,
that one's blowing up. Jeffrey's on this week.
He's on right now. I have to say. Jeffrey? Jim
Jeffries. Oh, Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries is fucking.
It's great. So many great episodes. But I'll
tell you the one I'm looking forward to. Tim
Dillon and Whitney Cummings. Oh, my God. That's
going to be great. You know how I almost pass
out when I laugh? Yeah. Four times. Four times.
Tim Dillon. It started very casually. What are
you making today, Bert? And I go, well, and Whitney,
you know, Tim, if you were making meals, what
would you make us? And he looks at it and he
goes. Percocet pudding, Whitney. That's his first
joke. Because it's got Percocets in it, which
you like. And it's pudding. He killed the hardest.
He's the best ranter. With him, the best ranter.
He did a rant on this podcast about the decline
of the American empire. I saw it. I just let
him go. You got to let him go. It was one of
the best rants I've ever heard. No, the best
rant I've ever heard in my life. I listened to
it with Isla. It's incredible. We're in the car.
I'm drinking to her football game. We're listening
to it. And I look over, she's smiling, and she's
nodding, and she goes, who is this guy? I said,
you've met him. She goes, I know this guy? I
go, yeah, he's coming to the house next week.
She goes, can I meet him again? I said, yeah.
So I'm doing the podcast with Tim, and Isla comes
down. She's like, I go, hey, Tim, give Isla some
life advice. And Tim just goes on a fucking,
she's 16. He's so fucking quick. Dude. All those
guys, that generation, the Mark Norman, Tim Dillon.
Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. Have you seen the
new Gillian Keyes special? Oh, my God. I haven't.
I'm sitting at Dane Cook's special with Leigh
-Anne. It's so funny. It is so funny. I bought
it. I bought it on the thing. I'm sitting with
Leigh -Anne, and we're watching his special before
Dane's special starts, crying, laughing, and
the people around me are looking over my shoulder,
crying, fucking laughing. Shane Gillis is fucking
special, man. He's very, very good. He looks
special. He does look special. A little bit.
He talks about that, too. I know, which is so
funny. Have you seen the new bit he does about
George Washington Museum? That's great. Oh, my
God, it's a good bit. It's one of those bits
where after it's over, I'm like, thank you. He
did it at the Ryman. We did a This Is Not Happening
at the Ryman. It crushed. The best was... Fully
Loaded, we took Georgia with. My oldest was PA,
her and her friends. And they're all pretty woke,
right? Like, they're kids. You know, they do
their pronouns when they meet, you know, whatever.
No. Yeah. Well, they're kids, Joe. It's L .A.
And so, but they've never really seen live comedy.
So Shane Gillis goes on stage. And immediately
I'm like, when he starts talking about Trump,
I'm waiting for Georgia to just cringe. And I
watch Georgia and her friend. He goes into the
George Washington. And the black guy comes out.
Oh, yeah. And he goes, get back in there. And
George and her friend are like, and they're laughing.
And I go, what are you doing? She goes, it's
just the way he says it, Dad. It's so funny.
And I know you're not supposed to laugh at this.
I go, baby, it's okay. It's good to get a long
laugh. By the end, they were obsessed with Shane.
And every time Shane would go on, Shane, Attell.
Big J Big J is doing fucking fucking those put
that pronoun joke about fucking Demi Lovato Oh,
yeah, and they're crying laughing and then the
whole time they just hung out with these guys
last night Shane Gillis's comes up to George
and her friend he goes You guys sneaking beers
and they're like no he was don't fucking lie
to me. I'm not your dad. She was no and this
is how much they like him and they go we're sneaking
a couple beers he goes i won't say anything sit
down right next to me your daughter's drunk dude
watching kids like young kids that are supposed
to be woke watch great comedy because they love
the release they don't get it they love the release
of laughing something wrong and they never get
it and they're like oh we've been missing this
well you know why is because there's not a lot
of it out right they're not exposed to it enough
you know comedy like the idea that that is like
That it's bad to laugh at things that are obviously
hilarious. It's like that this person has bad
intentions when they're saying these things.
That's not true. It's funny. It's a relief. Well,
it's also like an unspoken agreement. Yeah, we
know it's bullshit. He's come here to hear some
wrong things. We know it's fake. It's just talking
shit. I mean, that's one of the things that infuriated
me so much about people getting mad at Louie's
leak set when that was all going down, where
they were saying, you know. It's a workout set.
Not only is it a workout set, it's exactly what
he's always done. That was the part that was
great, when they were like, this guy has jumped.
He's gone MAGA. It's like, huh? And you were
a fan before? This is exactly what he's been
doing. He hasn't changed his philosophy. Philosophy
at all. Yeah, it's it's just funny. He just says
the things you're not supposed to say that are
hilarious Yeah, he's still thank so if I can
always saw him here at the the creek in the cave.
It was fucking great Yeah, it was fucking great.
It's like free now that a fucking master. It's
like we're living in the presence of some of
the greatest people of all time in our profession.
Yes. And the crop coming up now is fucking amazing.
There's so many good comics coming up now. There's
so many good comics. When David Lucas and Tony
Hinchcliffe go after each other on Kill Tony,
I was a guest on Kill Tony the other day. I couldn't
breathe. I was laughing so hard. I was just holding
my side, wheezing. He's funny as shit. Lucas
is a bad motherfucker. And he's so good at talking
shit. And Tony's so good off the cuff. Tony's
the best host of that kind of a show that's ever
existed. He's so good. And he's been doing it
so long now. He's so polished and so sharp. Oh,
my God. This is such a good time for comedy,
man. That's why I'm so pumped to open up my club.
Oh, I'm so excited. You got a date? Well, we're
in the middle of it right now. Kerry Mitchell
just sent me a photo of the new bar in the middle
of the construction. It looks fucking great.
Don't show it to me. Don't show it to me or my
dick will get hard. A bar? The place looks amazing.
Yeah, it looks great. You seen it, Bert? I came
out for the first week. That's the bar. Oh, you're
definitely coming out for the opening week, brother.
That's Kerry at the bar while it's being built
right now. That's Mitzi's. Do opening week like...
We don't know, but it'll probably be somewhere
around January. Give us a lot of notice. I'm
going to be in Europe all January. I'll wait.
I'll wait for you. What are you doing in Europe?
We're going to have some soft openings anyway.
I think I'm going in April, too. Maybe we'll
meet up somewhere. Where are you guys going?
In Europe? European tours. The only thing I'm
doing is England. I'm going over to London. Oh,
dude. In the middle of the month. I took Norman
and almost killed that motherfucker. Oh, yeah.
That was his first trip out there. He goes, how
do I hang with Bird? I'm like, throw some drinks
into a planter or something. Yeah, he said that
thing about you. He was like, we get up, we drink,
and... The next morning I'm like, oh, I feel
like I'm shitting blood. And then Bert's like,
you want to go for a run? No. Well, I think that's
what keeps you healthy. That keeps you balanced
is that you do exercise. Like you put two stressors
on your body. You put the alcohol stressor and
then you jack up your metabolism and all your
fucking hormones and everything for running and
exercise. It's the part that I miss. And it's
weird because I don't have the punitive voice
in my head where I wake up and I go. All right,
you did this yourself. Let's fucking go. Let's
get up. Like this morning, my alarm went off
at 630 and I was like, ah, I'll just keep sleeping.
I feel good. And I'll get it. I'll do the podcast.
I'll work out tonight. But if I drank last night,
I'd be up at 6 .30 in the gym. It would motivate
you to go. It motivates me to fucking work out.
That's great, man. That's a great balance. I
wish you didn't drink as much. That's why I was
trying to tell you last night, just smoke more
weed. Weed doesn't have the effect on your body.
That's why I miss the most during Sober October
is weed. I don't necessarily miss the booze.
My face looks better. I don't have the deep bags
under my eyes when I don't drink. I know it's
doing something bad to me. My brother sent me
a picture of Bert and was like, oh, look, his
skin looks better already. And then I was laughing
at it, but he goes, I was actually being serious.
Yeah. My skin looks a lot better. My skin looks
better and I deflate. I was telling this to Ari.
The number one thing that I noticed, I deflate,
my face deflates in a second. I have had times
where I've been partying so hard that my phone
won't recognize my face. Because I just bloated.
Jesus Christ. Really? His phone was like, who
the fuck is this? Who are you? Who's this Chinese
guy? You need a phone with a fingerprint thing.
You need to get an Android. You know the thing
that I feel like I try to tackle the most and
I struggle with the most is sleep. What do you
mean? Just that overall, if you go like, I like
working out. so like if i get into a habit of
working out it's not i mean the workouts can
be challenging but it's not like man i don't
like doing this you know so like you tackle that
and then like eating that could be a challenge
but again like if you fart if you start like
eating salads you're fine well just start eating
like a healthy hat you just build the habit yeah
the thing that is i think the hardest for me
to to master and i try to like think about it
more is just getting good sleep have you ever
tried one of those like eight sleep mattresses
that cool you off No. I have one and I haven't
set it up yet, but every one that uses it says
it's a fucking game changer. Can I give you a
tip? I try to think about it more, too. I realize
that I used to think that sleep happens to you.
So you go like, tonight was good. I don't know,
man. You know what I mean? It just happens. And
sort of start thinking in terms of like, you
know, I'm in charge of at least attempting to
make this a good night of sleep. Can I give you
a tip? Yeah. Don't look at your phone for an
hour and a half before you go to sleep. That's
a good one. That shit that's in there does something
to your eyes. I look at my phone right before
I go to sleep. I sleep like a brick. You're a
monkey. I listen to podcasts while I sleep. You
do? And then have dreams that I'm fucking in
history. My wife has a hard time sleeping. It
drives her crazy. I could fall asleep on the
dirt. Yeah, I can. I could just lay down on dirt
ground. Have you guys started the withdrawal
dreams yet? I had one last night. Oh, my withdrawal
dreams are horrific, like being chased by wolves
and shit. What? Yeah, they're all violent. All
my withdrawal dreams from marijuana. That's so
crazy. I think it probably reveals to me who
you are. They're so violent. It's so crazy. Really?
All violence. My dreams are all violence. That's
so nuts. Last night my dream was that Aaron Judge
came in for a pinch hit home run. Really? That
was your dream? I'm being chased by wolves and
I'm trying to figure out if I should climb a
tree. I fought a dude because he was pissed off
that I fucked up his boat. They're all violent.
But I've been involved in violence for so long.
Yeah, and you witness violence a lot. I am so
used to people getting injured. I've told this
story before, but one time my wife, we had a
hatchback, and she was taking something out of
the back of the trunk, and she stood up, and
she didn't know that the corner of the hatchback
was right there, and she cut her head, and she's
bleeding. Pouring blood down her face, and I
look at him like it's nothing. It's like a tiny
little cut like Like it didn't bother me at all
yeah I was like that's nothing they could put
some crazy glue on it or we can go to the doctor's
like fucking crazy glue I'm like thinking about
it what I would do like if I look at that cut
I would go ah we got crazy glue I'll put a little
crazy glue in there and squeeze it together and
put a little band -aid on it and be alright But
like I'm so used to seeing people injured. She's
gonna know that's your love language. I've seen
A thousand people knocked unconscious. Yeah.
Like real close. In front. Yeah. Like from three
feet away. I'm so accustomed to it. That's what
I give. I know you'll never write a self -help
book, but I want to find the motivators that.
cause greatness like like i want like uh like
i liked cam haynes's book because he talked about
his father and his relationship with his father
yeah his father being a runner and how that and
like ultimately like how that drives him to run
because it's something he's trying to like i
can connect with broken parts of men where i
can find that brokenness in me and go oh shit
because i was like oh maybe that's why i fucking
run my dad was a runner oh shit and then you
start going oh this is normal this is part of
You know, I'd be curious to know, because you're
a pretty weird dude with like motivation, you
know, like what motivates you to work out is
like, well, I think about people raping my family.
I would love to get to the base. I don't think
about people raping my family. What the fuck
is wrong? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you
do. No, I don't. No, but you have said like,
this is birding. He's birdifying it. You said
like, I think about people trying to kill me.
You've said that before. Well, I definitely do
if I'm getting tired. So if I'm in the middle
of a workout and I'm tired, I say, imagine if
I had saved a loved one's life right now. Like,
how would I respond? I'd just get angry. And
I'm sure there's rape in there. That's why I
meant. Don't think about that. Bert puts himself
in the place of the attacker. And he goes, well,
if I was there, I may as well get some rapes
in. I'm killing you. I'm not going to rape you,
too. I mean, it's not like an extra charge. I'm
going to jail forever. Whenever you see a serial
killer who doesn't rape, you're like, what the
fuck are you doing, dude? Maximize your time.
Yeah, I just, I don't know. It's so crazy if
you're going to kill not to rape. I agree. Save
one for after death. That was the Bundy way.
That was so new. It is nicer. Most people would
rape and then kill. Bundy was like, I'm going
to kill you first. Change of the game. Yeah.
I mean, have you guys seen the Dahmer thing on
Netflix? Deep, deep. I've heard it's fucking
great. It's really, really well done. There's
a little bit of, you know, they obviously dramatize
it to be compelling television. How can you dramatize
that story? They dramatize the story in terms
of there are things that are not factually accurate,
but there's things that are factually accurate,
too. But that kid is fucking, Evan Peters, I
think, plays him. He's phenomenal. Yeah. Yeah,
and there's, I mean, it's dark. It's fucking,
it's really well done. I did a commercial. With
the last guy You know who was Who's the fucking
Arrow guy from Marvel Chris Pine Hawkeye Yeah
Hawkeye Shotgun McGee The guy who plays him Yeah
He's a nice guy Jeremy Renner Yeah One of my
first My first commercial He was doing one And
he was like Broke And he was getting sagged Like
we'll give you some money To pay your rent Kind
of thing And he goes Yeah I got a movie It hasn't
come out yet But we'll see And it was just like
Independent Jeffrey Dahmer movie Oh, right, because
he played Dahmer, too. And then just launched
him after that. Oh, shit. He was one of those
Jason Bourne guys in one of the movies. He was,
but that one didn't do as great. But it was good.
Yeah. Compared to the other ones? No. No. It's
tough to take over a franchise. Yeah, to take
over. I liked him in The Town. He was a badass
with Ben Fleck. Oh, yeah. That's right. He was
in The Town, too. He's fucking great. He was
a nice dude. There he is. Yeah. That guy's a
bad motherfucker. How different is that look
to Dahmer to the new look to Dahmer? The new
look to Dahmer, it really looks like Dahmer.
This guy. That's pretty close. Yeah, that guy's
pretty close. He does the Wisconsin accent. I
gotta say, I fucking hate Hawkeye, though. That
stupid Marvel character. All he has is a bow
and arrow. It's so dumb. Everybody else is the
Hulk, and they fucking can do crazy shit, and
Doctor Strange can summon other universes, and
this dude's just shooting shitty arrows. I have
arrows. There's aliens flying around in spaceships,
and he's shooting arrows at them. I'm like, this
is so dumb. And he never runs out of arrows.
I can't get into any of those movies. Oh, are
you kidding me? It's all so paced by numbers.
Anybody new comes in, they have a beef, like,
it's my crew, not your crew. I mean, I've gone
to see them, and you just go, the thing is that
there's, you know the blueprint of the film.
You know the blueprint. So I like. more surprised
because like you know you see the conflict coming
and then you go this is gonna have him down for
a little bit then the bad guy's gonna you know
look like he's gonna win this thing and then
he will beat him yeah or even if the bad guy
wins then they go uh we uh we went back in time
and what's wild is that they're they do billions
at the box office every time because america
i love them too i love them they're fun they're
well i grew up reading comic books yeah But I
like a dark one. I like when they show the real
conflict of something. Like the Watchmen? Watchmen
or Dark Knight. The Dark Knight stuff. When they
made Batman have like... The Dark Knight stuff
was unbelievable. Venom was cool. With Chris
Nolan stuff? Yeah, that was great. Those were
amazing. Those were great. A conflicted superhero.
Yeah. The problem with Batman is he's just a
rich guy. Yeah. Like, why does he got all that
stuff? Yeah. Where does he get all these powers
from? He's got none. He's at the peak of what
you can do if you train. But it's not real. He's
Bert if you stop drinking. I'm Batman. You're
Batman. You're Batman. Maybe I'll lean into just
do like November weed. Just weed? Just weed November.
I'd love to be a weed guy, but it's just not
my thing. Well, you just like to get crazy and
take your shirt off. When you took your shirt
off last night on stage and the place went nuts,
there was a lady in the front row that got up
and started doing this. I didn't have to say
his name. I was like, hey, this is my friend.
And then you just walked. I was like, yeah, why
did I introduce you? They went crazy. And then
you took the shirt off and took it to another
level. That was great fun last night. That was
a lot of fun. That was great fun last night.
That was so much fun. It's really important to
do, I've found since the last time I did a spot
there, it's really important to do short sets
to stay loose in what you're doing. talent is,
but it does not translate to theaters or arenas.
What do you mean? So much more conversational.
So much more conversational, so much more fun,
so much more interactive, and then you go to
an arena, and you're like, if you talk to one
person in the front row, then there's fucking
12 ,000 other people going, I don't know what
that guy looks like. No, it's definitely different.
There's different timing. When I started doing
theaters, Tom texted me and was like, he called
me and he was like, just letting you know. It's
a different pacing. It's a little bit of a different
muscle. And I was like, no, no, I got this. And
I remember my first theater gig, I was done in
35 minutes. Wow. And I was like, whoa, he's right.
And I was like, I don't have that much material.
Like, I have a lot of fucking around with an
audience and, hey, ask them a question I already
have the answer to. Then, you know, that's the
energy. When you do theater, you like, you got
to fucking present it. Especially arenas. You
got to do the bits. You got to do the written,
the best stuff. But you also, on the other side,
you hold laughs longer. Yeah. it's important
to do that because the people are still thinking
about what you just said I told Tony he was doing
his first theater I think with Jeff Ross or something
and I was like slow down and he goes okay and
then I was like hey Tony slow down and then he's
like okay and then he was afterwards like that
was really good advice yeah It's a different
thing. But I think it's like cross training.
I think if you just do those, it's not good.
Right. Because it's very difficult to come up
with new material. You're not coming up with
shit when you're doing 16 ,000 people. No, exactly.
And you're in the round. You ain't coming up
with any new ideas. Geraldo talked about it.
He said it's almost a different sport. Yeah.
Especially in town. Like in town club comedy
where you're like not the show. And you're on
top of them. Versus headline. Like if you're
at the cellar, the audience is literally where
you guys are. They're on top of you. You also
feel like you could take a little bit of a risk
in those big -ass arenas, like a new line or
something, and it doesn't land, and you immediately
are like, I'm going right back to what I know.
Right back to the real shit. I don't know how
anybody who just does arenas ever comes up with
new material. You can write in those. I always
do my new hours out on the road. yeah no i'm
sure but it's not as easy if you try like an
on the edge joke at like the stand or somewhere
they don't know you and then like they don't
go for it like you're just not gonna get them
back they're like we've lost faith in you i don't
know who you are i don't like this that's very
true that happened to me in the or the other
night oh i can be oh i can be a fucking a tricky
whore who passes out in the middle of fucking
yeah what Tricky whore that passes out in the
middle of fucking. You should call the doctor.
She's probably having a fentanyl overdose. I've
had that. There's the OR sets that have gone
down. Oh, yeah. I'm going to work on a bit here.
And then you start and you're like, and then.
every word that comes out of your mouth feels
so scripted. And you're like, I'm trying to work,
God damn it. Why won't you guys just go with
me for a second? You start feeling like a phony.
And then you bail on it. You're like, fuck that.
If you come off the road, like when I'd open
for you and I'd be presentational and stuff,
and you come back to, or just headlining, you
come back to the store and it's just like, oh,
I'm presenting instead of talking to them. And
you're following somebody who just was like.
Yeah, you follow like Tony Woods or something
like who's so natural. Oh, yeah. And then you're
like. Tony's the most natural. The most. And
you're like, you've. You've negated my game.
Tony kills in the green room. Tony was in the
green room, and there was this open mic -er that
kept chiming. He goes, motherfucker, do you hear
me talking? It was hilarious. Because it was
like, you know, just a young guy who was just
a little too eager and wanted to, like, chime
in, too. And Tony's in the middle of his rants.
And we're all just sitting there letting Tony
rant. And this guy's, like, chiming in. Tony's
like, motherfucker, do you hear me talking? Yeah,
what car are you on at? Oh, my God. Well, the
guy was cock -blocking. The guy was jumping in
the middle of his... Yeah. Brilliant rant. I
love a club of all the things. It's just like
that's the most true. You haven't done an arena,
Ari. I've not done an arena. I want to bring
you with me to one of these fucking MGM grand
shows. If you bring me to one, you've got to
bring me to two because I'm going to adjust.
I'm going to figure something out after I do
it. One and done. And a watch. And a watch. Yeah,
you're wearing a watch. I'm going to get you
a suit. I want to get you a suit. Would you wear
a suit? I have eight suits. It's the best part
of my game. I get them. hand -tailored in Hong
Kong. Yeah, but they look like shit. I've seen
those. Fuck you! My suit game is the best in
comedy. David August. What? It's the best in
comedy. That's not true. It is by far true. It's
not true. Who has a better suit game than me?
I have pretty nice suits. What do you mean? Like,
who has more suits than you? Who has cooler,
more interesting, better... Nah, dude. 100%.
That's terrible. You look like a Canadian that
just fucking came over on a fishing boat. Look
at that shit, dude. Yeah, that's like a Doug
Stanhope. No, that's not a Doug Stanhope. That
actually looks pretty good. That looks great.
That's kind of cool. I do not own one suit. Have
you thought about bringing This Is Not Happening
back to some sort of a streaming platform or
something? I think about it all the time. I need
your and Tom's help. Let's do it. What about
me? Yeah, what about her? You just left him out.
That's not a bad suit. I'll give it to you. I'll
give it to you. That's a nice suit. That is a
cool suit. That's a pretty good suit. Thank you.
My birthday shoot. When we did the MGM, when
Brian Simpson, Tony, Hans Kim, and I did the
MGM, we all got tailored suits from David August.
That's right. Fucking incredible. I mean, there's
just like a bespoke suit. Jamie, you got that
photo of all of us together? Yeah, when it's
made for you. When they tailor. Well, I have
to wear suits that are made for me. And even
then, it's tough to fit. Yeah, I'm the same way.
My body, yeah. Yeah, 100%. I don't have a suit.
You don't have a suit? Look at that. Yeah, you
guys look clean, dude. Come on, son. Pocket squares.
Look at Jamie with the sunglasses on. Those look
nice. You guys look great. Jamie's right out
of Pulp Fiction. This looks like Pulp Fiction.
Maybe I'll get a suit at the end of Sober October.
Fuck yeah. There you go. With your new measurements.
You'll be able to fit into it for one week. I
remember the last Sober October. But look at
Tom. Remember when you guys first did the weight
loss challenge? Look at Tom now. He's 208. 208,
that's your new? It works out every fucking day.
That's nuts. You could be under 200 pounds. Oh,
yeah. Wow. Yeah, Tom could be 195 and fucking
shredded. He looks good. Trying. Well, it's amazing
the consistency in your workouts. I mean, the
real consistency, too, is on the road. I'm on
the road so much. We work out almost every day.
You take a guy with you? Yeah, you do. His trainer
is also an amazing photographer. He is, Sean
Nix. Two birds with one stone. That's nice. Yeah,
so he's a real photographer and a certified,
and he's fucking jacked. So he's like, it's great
because you're around somebody who's disciplined.
You know what I mean? So every day it's like,
you know. I look at what he eats, so I'm like,
I'll eat that. What are we doing today? What
workouts are we doing? I just do what he does
in the workouts. Nice. Just following someone's
example, and then it becomes a habit. That's
definitely easier to farm it off to someone.
Oh, yeah. I'm bringing my trainer on the road
with me in October. Look at this. Look at this
motherfucker going. Damn, dude. Look how thin
you are, dude. Is that Tom? No, that's Sean.
That's Sean. I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom. No,
that's Sean. Yeah, that's cool. You guys cut
your hair like People always they're like you
guys brothers and I'm always like and that's
who's that one. That's his Yeah, yeah, you really
do have the same hair Pretty fucking similar
But that is that is a huge thing that you could
do to bring someone on the road with you and
train with them Yeah, you get shit done, but
look out then you are dude. You're so much smaller.
It's kind of than that even yeah Good you feel
I feel great man. Yeah great. I mean, I'm you
know you start moving You know, better. Lighter.
Joints feel better. Everything feels better.
How's your arm doing? It's much better, man.
I mean, I'm going for another follow -up for
the nerve stuff in like a couple weeks, but it's...
Do you like that? Put your hand out there. And
you can clutch and everything? Oh, yeah. All
good? Oh, yeah. Shout out to your doctor. Yeah,
Dr. Saruya did this one. Your grip strength is
definitely... still weaker than the right hand
and There is weight. There's weight where your
wrist will eventually collapse your weight The
the weight will collect so like if I'm holding
dumbbells, you know, like and I can do I can
like I can hold them But at a certain way, let's
say they're like, you know, like 60 pound dumbbells
or something I'll start I'll be fine here and
you'll see this one just will start to go like
like that. Do you do wrist curls? No. Is it still
recuperating? Oh, yeah. It's a three -year recovery,
the nervous. Wow. You know what I love about
it is rollers, where you've got a roller with
a cord and the weights at the bottom, and you
do this shit. Oh, yeah. And you lost that basketball
game before? You were already losing? No. Well,
we'd lost the game, then we did our dunk contest.
Tate Fletcher gave me a great speech about getting
hurt. Because we all went on this crazy hike.
And he was like, you know how I talk out my ass?
And Tate just is not having it. And he was like,
you're a decommissioned athlete. He was like,
you think your body is what it was when you were
a kid. And it's not. And that's how you get fucking
hurt. That's how you get hurt. You think you
can do everything you could do when you were
a kid because you could do it when you were a
kid? You can't do it. That's how you get hurt.
And I was like, that was the first time I was
like, oh, that's what happened when we played
basketball. That's 100 % what happened. And we
also did something that. I mean, it's exactly
what he's saying, but especially when you get
into jumping. Yeah, a doctor would say that.
If you don't jump all the time, then you go,
I'm going to jump my ass off today. You have
explosive movement, but you don't have explosive
strength. Yeah. So it's like in between time.
Like a 75 -year -old would never think to jump.
Of course. All the stabilizer muscles. Yeah.
You got to like work it. We played basketball
last week, though. Played two on two and played
full game. What are you going to drop down to?
Do you have a goal? No, because, you know, I.
I remember being real fat as a freshman in college
and losing weight and thinking that a number
was the goal. At first, I was like, I want to
weigh 225 because I saw NFL linebackers. I was
like, that's a good weight. And then I got down
to 225. I'm like, I don't look like them. So
I just kept losing weight. And even now, I'm
208, 209. I feel like if I go, oh, it's 200.
I'd rather just focus on what I feel like and
look like and go like that's the weight that
I'd rather be at than hunt the number. You know
what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense. I think
I'll. Because also like you're gaining muscle.
Yeah. Right. So your weight is getting higher,
but your body fat is getting lower. Yeah. So
I don't know what the final number will be. I
think it's definitely, I have a build that I
should be like between 190 and 200, I think.
You know, that's what I think I should be. And
so that's like. Kind of like the range, yeah.
But as you're putting on muscle, I mean, maybe
you'll be heavier. Maybe I'll be heavier, yeah.
Yeah, I put on muscle pretty quickly. What do
you weigh now? 80 ,000 pounds. Is it 80 ,000,
Bert? Is it over or less than 80 ,000? It's so
funny. Would you say it's over? I think under
now because of a few days, but I'd do it in stone.
But wait, but be honest. What were you up to
a couple months ago? Because you were at 265.
265. 265. I told that to, who did I tell that
to? I told that to like a. That's Francis Ngannou's
weight. They look the same. That's how I thought
I would look at 225. I was like. I was talking
to like a man. Like when you talk to like men.
It's different than, you're a man, but, like,
us. So, like, if you say that. What? You hold
people to a standard. Like, an athlete, if you've
competed at a high level, you see things at a
high level. Like, you know, like Eddie. It's
hard to bullshit with Eddie about, like, false
claims. Right. About exercise and stuff. About
physical fitness. So I said to someone, I goes,
how much were you at your heaviest? I said, 265.
He goes, 270? I went, no, 265. He goes, no, no,
no, no. Let's be very clear. There were days
you were 270. You just didn't get on the scale.
Wow. Oh, yeah, you're right. Probably 270. Oh,
right. Yeah, yeah. It's the way a man works,
you know? I go 265. That's the day I stepped
on the scale thinking I was really 250. I was
211 when I got back from Italy. Damn. That's
big for you. Fat as fuck, dude. I had a roll.
What? I was feeling a roll right here. Damn.
Can I please leak that shirtless picture of you?
No. Don't do that. I sent it to my wife. I go
squad goals. I did a photo shoot, and I did one
picture of me naked swinging a baseball bat,
and just randomly I saw like a delt and a bicep,
and then I spent the rest of the photo shoot
trying to flex, and you can't see anything. I'm
fucking sore as fuck the next day. I think I
pulled my kidney. If we can get you off the booze
for a long period of time and get you working
out, I think you would be a fucking freak athlete.
I really do. Booze alone would do it. Wait, what
do you weigh now? You already work out. What
do you weigh now? I really don't know. I think
probably 247. When I saw you play tennis against
Tom, I'm like, this motherfucker is an athlete.
He has. He's an understated athlete. His golf
swing is incredible. Swimming. Baseball. Hand
-eye coordination. Hand -eye coordination. He
can play pool, too. I know. You guys were doing
Two Bears, and I heard you guys talk about archery.
Yeah. One of my favorite moments ever. We were
doing. I remember this. We were doing Go Big
Show. And I would have bet, by the way. I knew
already. I would have bet fucking 10 grand that
you had done that. We had a trick archer. Up
there is doing trick archery shots. I've always
been I've always been into archery, but I whatever
and I always know I'm pretty good at archery
and so I Go hey, man. Can I see your bow and
arrow? I'll take a shot. He was like Okay, and
snoop is like no no that's not he's gonna fucking
kill one of us and I go I go snoop I think I
can do it and I know I can and he goes no we're
like maybe 50 feet from the target and I line
it up out of nowhere and just Bullseye and snoop
lost his shit. But I like that energy more than
being... I like talking shit and surprising someone
than being good at something. Than working hard
at something. That's party energy. It's the guy
going, I can do a backflip. I'm the opposite.
I just get obsessed with things until I just
want to get perfected at it. And it never happens.
You never perfect something, but you get closer
and closer. These moments, like playing pool
is a great example. There's moments where you
just know exactly where the ball's going. I love
that. In the zone. I'd be curious if you looked
at my form and my archery and that trick shot.
If you go, oh, he knows what he's doing. Well,
it's a different kind of archery because what
you're doing is traditional archery. What I do
is like compound archery. My shit is like I use
like a range finder and I have a scale on my
site where I rank like at 65 yards. I'll dial
it into 65 yards. And I'm shooting at 85 yards
to an index card. So at 85 yards, I'm shooting
at something that's this big. You couldn't do
it the way you do it, Bert. It's a different
thing. We went out ski shooting. I don't know
how to shoot traditional archery. I'm terrible
at it. I was with my family. We were in Hawaii,
and they have this archery course. Oh, really?
It's that different? Yeah. Well, I mean, I could
do it, but I don't know how to aim. You're supposed
to aim. The way I do it is with compound bow,
and I pull it back, and it's all centered. The
bow is matched to my frame, so I have a 28 -and
-a -half -inch draw because that's how far my
arms are when they're fully extended. and then
the peep sight is at like exactly like 5 .7 inches
here and I'm looking through this thing and I
center the housing with it. It's like you're
balancing all these things out together. It's
very zen because in that moment, you're not thinking
about anything else other than the execution
of the shot and making sure it releases perfectly.
And it's just, there's something about thinking
about something like that overcomes, that's jujitsu
and archery. and pull you don't think about anything
else other than that thing while you're doing
it and that is like sort of like a moving meditation
archery in many ways is like a moving meditation
because you're so engrossed in the technique
that you don't think about anything else none
no life issues nothing else and even if you'd
like Never hunt or never do a competition or
something. There's something about shooting a
target over and over again. It just clears your
mind. The cool thing about what you do from my
perspective and you and Cam and all those guys,
the thing I think is sexy is the fucking seeing
it and then your heart's racing, holding your
breath, keeping your breath, tracking it. I've
watched a lot of those Rinella videos on Netflix.
The energy that happens that whole moment. It's
almost like finding a needle in a haystack. You
finally see an elk and then you got to apply
all the shit you do in your range. You got to
apply it to it when you haven't slept well. You
haven't slept well. You slept on a rock. Your
fucking nerves are up. You get one fucking shot.
That's the cool shit. You got to be still. Your
heart's got to be still. There's a lot going
on, man. There's a lot going on. But it's also,
it's obsessive. You get obsessed by it. And I
think there's something about obsession that's
good for the mind. Like, getting, like, really
focused on things. It keeps your mind active
in a very unusual way. Do you have something
like that that you like? Jerking off? Maybe stand
-up. I don't know. Yeah, stand -up. Stand -up.
Dude, I'm helping Big J do his special now, and
that's all I think about is just, like, making
sure everything's run right. Yeah. Yeah, shit
like that. Yeah, man. Watching him in. Dude,
when fully loaded and he was in the first time
I saw him in an arena. Big J. You know, Big J
is always the guy, fucks around, little fucking
buzz on stage, fuck around with the audience.
12 ,000 people, he sits on a stool and destroyed
me, Shane, Dave Attell. We're back there watching
him like. And murdered. And just didn't move.
Big J. One leg out, one leg up on the stool.
Eagles jersey. Just fucking destroyed. He's a
fucking pro. He's such a pro. And he had this
weird training where he'd always go on after
a tell late night at the cellar. And he'd also
open for corn and stuff. So he's doing these
massive venues. He opened for corn? On their
tour. On some music festival kind of tour. He
did one of the hardest things, too, where we
did the oddball tour a few years ago. Dude, he
would open that. And everybody's like, fuck that.
Like nobody wants to do it. And he embraced it.
And you have people being sad and all this shit.
He would fucking kill it. We went out. We had
to introduce a big band at Rockin' the Range
in Columbus, I think. And it was like 20 ,000
people out there. And the two of us went out.
Just to say also we have a comedy show. And we
went out. And I'm just like, freeze. I'm like,
what the fuck? And then somebody yelled out from
the crowd something. And Jay just rips in, turns
18 ,000 people against this one guy. And I'm
like, help me, Jay. Help me, please. We had him
for fully. He was going to host all the shows,
just host them because he's so good at it. And
that first night he went out and did it because
he missed the first night. We had Dave Williamson
host. Next night we're like, why don't you just
do a spot and then we'll switch it up. After
watching his spot, we're like, oh, man, he just
needs to do sets. Fucking 20 minutes of. Just
material. Fucking brilliant, man. You think he
just does crowd work, but he disguises everything.
He's super fun. He is one of the best crowd work
guys in the country. And it's real crowd work.
It's not bullshit crowd work. It's not like he
has a pre -planned thing that he's going to say
to people. Someone will attack him in the audience
at a small club and he'll be like, okay, that's
a good way of looking at it. He just stays in
the pocket. Big J. In bag. impact crowd work
is dangerously flawless like he underrated people
forget about him people sleep on how talented
that guy is we did south africa and there's like
people that it's a cultural thing certain tribes
or whatever had people would have dyed hair like
dyed you know and one of the people running the
festival is like oh yeah they're from you know
whatever this group and it's a it's like a religious
cultural thing and dyed orange and and he's like
okay huh and he gets up there he's like you look
like an orangutan you know and we were like oh
my god but his delivery and the way that he says
it The lady was backstage panicking, and he was
just the guy, and they were all just dying. I
don't know him. Are you serious? You don't know
Ian Bagg? No, I don't know him. You don't know
of him? I know of him. I watched him go on stage,
and he does so much crowd work. He picked out
what car everyone drove in the front row. You
look like a Toyota Tacoma guy. Let me see a picture
of Ian Bagg. He did a special for Showtime of
crowd work with a few bits. And you know how
sometimes that can be lost in a special? It delivered
so fucking hard. Back clowns the audience. Is
that it? Look at him. He is so quick. He is so
fucking funny. He might be the best, actually,
and no joke. You'd have to nominate him. You'd
have to at least put him in the running for it.
Who else does great crowd work? Ian, Jay. Jay
is fantastic. I need to watch some of Ian's sets.
I'm not really familiar with his material. What's
your fucking deal? You know what? When you get
your club open, have them come do a weekend down
there, and you will be... In a minute, Joe, you're
going to be like... And then at the end of the
week, and tell me if I'm wrong, you'll be talking
like this, too. Yeah. Titty, titty, finger bang.
Sam Talent. Dude! He's a funny motherfucker.
Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I got to meet him. He
came down to the club when we were doing a little
tour of it and showing what the construction
is and everything. Got a chance to hang out with
him a little bit. I like him. Funny dude, man.
Cool. Super smart. Very funny guy. He wrote one
of the best books on Stan. I keep hearing that.
Yeah. Stan Hope gave it to me. He said it's great.
The funniest thing about that book, it was great,
but he had different comics read each chapter
for the audio book, and how little comedians
know how to actually read was just exposed. I
read the first chapter. Fumbling over. I couldn't
read out loud at all. I'm a bad out loud reader.
My audio book. Getting your fucking text is a
real experience. Oh, your text is so ridiculous.
He had the drunk excuse before, but they haven't
gotten much better. Do you look at them before
you send them? I do not. Send it. And you're
like, what? I can't see if I don't have my glasses
on, so I just send it. How bad is your vision?
Not I've 20 a bet amazing vision from far away,
but I can't see shit up You know what would stop
my vision loss dead in his truck. I started taking
something called macular support Pure encapsulation
macular support. Yeah, I mean my vision is not
great, but mine's declining it never got worse
It went to a spot where I can read my phone.
Oh, I can't read my phone. It's not bad. I can
read the news. Macular support. Pure encapsulation.
It's got lutein and a bunch of different things
in it. But I've been taking it regularly for
years, and it makes a difference, man. Yeah.
We'll be writing down. It's like my vision got
pretty shitty. But Ari, you got the fucking surgery,
and then it went bad. It didn't go bad. It's
just starting to go back. Really? Yeah. I'm sorry.
That happens. That happens. Because your macular
degeneration continues even after you get the
surgery. Ah. Yeah. Well, there's a thing now
that Andrew Huberman was telling me about where
it's like some sort of bacteria, and I'm going
to butcher this. They inject it into your eye,
and it actually corrects your vision. Whoa. And
I'm like, but what if it goes bad? I'm scared
of it. There's always like a 1%. My vision's
not bad right now. It's like it's okay. There's
this small percentage thing that happens in Lasix
where somebody's vision will just go orange.
Oh, no. Yeah, permanently. Well, this guy that
I met, one of my daughter's friends' dads, he
had the Lasix, and now he can't drive at night.
He can't now. Because he sees halos. How long
ago? Did it go away? No, no, he can't drive at
night. Damn. He drives at night, and he can't
see anything. He goes, like, all the headlights.
Do you ever see what it looks like? I had it
for a couple weeks. Halo vision due to Lasix.
It's not good, man. Yeah, so that's what he sees.
So, like, upper right -hand corner, Jamie? Upper
right -hand corner? Halo? That's it. So that's
what he sees. Like, when he sees a light. Everything
around that light is obscured by a haze. Yeah,
so he can't drive at night. Shit. At all. He's
like, I see pretty good in the day. I can read
books, but at nighttime, I'm fucked. He goes,
so I can't drive cars. That's fucked. That's
fucked. And they didn't tell him that. The second
I got it, they're like, hey, but just so you
know, you're nearsighted. That's still going
to fade. Immediately, I couldn't see a book this
close. I had to put it out. The next day, I was
like, hey, dude, you said it would go away slowly.
He goes, no, maybe right away. I can't. Maybe
right away. I got your money, bitch. Yeah. That's
my dick. I forgot that was the last picture I
showed. It's sitting right there where everybody
can see it. I'll put it up so everyone can see
it. It's Spotify. You can show my dick. I think
you can now. Yeah, there you go, guys. I don't
know. We might be in trouble. Hey, this might
be the one. Do you think when people, do you
think, I think about death a lot, and do you
think when people die, they're like, hey, put
my glasses on so I can see everybody? No. I think
you're thinking about dying. I think about dying
a lot. Do you? I think you should look into it.
Yeah, no, it's one of the benefits of Sober October
is I wake up going, hey man, I'm not dying today.
Wait, were you serious that your recovery is
better with tequila than no drink? Hardcore better.
Hardcore better? Hardcore better. Like you see
the stat? I have a 98 % recovery on tequila one
time. And what is it like? 70s. Let's see what
it is in a week or two. But you also, you have
to realize we're at day six, so your body's adapting.
Yeah, that's true. There was a thing you were
doing the other night, and we were going to give
you a pass. It was such a brutal thing, that
thing that you had to do. I couldn't take it.
I wanted you to fail so bad so I could get out
of it. I wanted you to fail so bad. I got your
text. I got your text. You're allowed. I said
three drinks, too. Yeah. Give him three drinks.
You said three drinks. Because you give him one
drink, and he'll be like, that's nothing. I can't
drink. He can't drink. He can't have one. Well,
the conversation in my head is interesting, because
here's where my brain went. You said you get
three drinks, and I went. And I said to Leanne,
I got three drinks tonight if I want them. The
problem is I'd be chasing them all night. And
then that night what I did is I went out and
then I went to dinner with Leanne. And I wasn't
chasing any drinks. I had like a Diet Coke, and
it was nice. We had dinner. And then I got in
the car, and I drove both of us home. Normally
she drives. And then I put on pajamas. I got
excited for pajamas. And then I laid in bed,
and I woke up. And that's the thing I wish I
could get a hold of, where I just go, oh, tonight's
not a night on chasing drinks. So there's pros
and cons, right? So the pros of drinking all
the time is you're the life of the party. You're
the guy. You're the guy. You go on stage. You
get to live life. You get to see in other people's
eyes. But you can do that once in a while. There's
a rant that you did that is on a video somewhere
of you talking about how you love. I'll never
quit. It's a great rant. It's so great. It's
a love letter to alcohol. It's a love letter
to that feeling that we all get when you have
a couple of cocktails and you see a sunrise.
And it's just like, ah, or a sunset. And you
see just something beautiful. It's like there's
a feeling when you just start to catch a buzz
that is such a fucking beautiful feeling. It's
a running wave. I remember during pandemic I
didn't drink. And then one night. Wait, what?
During the pandemic I didn't drink for like three
months. And then the first three months, I just,
what the fuck are you talking about? I just know
you. And what happens is if I keep asking questions,
you'll be like, well, all right. There was a
few days. Yeah, exactly. The last drink I had
was on the tour bus going into the city. And
then? And then I didn't drink. For three months.
Okay, maybe two, whatever. Maybe four days. It
was definitely a long time. At all? No drinks?
No booze. Because I was at home with my kids.
He'll be like, I haven't been drinking in a while.
And I'll be like, how long? And he'll go, like,
weeks. And I go, no. He goes, well, Saturday.
Saturday. Saturday was Liam's birthday. I'm like,
well, then that's the last time you drank. Stop,
stop, stop. I definitely, I went a long stretch
at the beginning of the pandemic without drinking.
I think it was three months. It was definitely
before I went on tour for the outdoor thing.
You got to go to the bathroom, right? You're
not going to piss in the hallway, right? Because
you're sober. Because I'm sober. I'll go all
the way to the bathroom. We still have a jug
of his piss. No, someone threw it out. Oh, my
God. We had a giant whiskey bottle filled with
Ari's piss. It was hilarious because he was peeing
in the hallway. We got a camera, the security
camera. It was like, why are you filming me?
I'm like, we're filming everything, bro. This
is a high security place. The bathroom was like
another 20 feet. No, you couldn't make it. You've
justified it. Yeah, you guys get fucked up on
those protect your parks. Oh, yeah. Can I tell
you, I'm a little jealous that all our joy is
sober. Feeding his dick like a snake into a rat
hole. That looks like a picture you put in front
of a 7 -Eleven like this man. Yeah, this guy.
Right next to the Jimi Hendrix painting. And
I'm bent over because I'm almost ready to pass
out. It's the Stockton serial killer right there.
Look how filled that fucking whiskey jug is,
too. He pissed in that a couple of times. God.
Yeah. Fun times. Protect our parks are fucking
awesome. Those look fun. It's the most fun. They're
so fun. Are we due in November? November 2nd,
I think. Yeah, we're going to do it. You're going
to turn loose. You're having your first drink
with them and not... Not us? No. I'll have a
first drink with you. I mean, I'll have a second
drink with them. I'll have a first drink with
you. November 2nd, my birthday is November 3rd.
I'd be happy. Do you want to get together November
1st? Let's tie one on. Fuck it. I can do November
1st. Let's go. Come here. Let's go. Let's fucking
go. November 1st? Let's have some barbecue. Let's
drink some beers. The best feeling is that first
drink when I... So the first sober October we
did, me and Ari met up in New Orleans. We had
our first drink together. Yeah. And there was...
I'm here to... Malorts, right? Something like
that. You're here? November 1st, Tommy and I
can't hammer it. I can be here. Let's do it.
Ari, what are you doing November 1st? We can
do it in the afternoon. I can fly in the morning.
Yeah, let's do it. Let's do a show that night.
Let's have some fun. The first time me and Ari
meet up in New Orleans, I feel great. I feel
very, I feel, people always talk about gratitude.
I remember having so much gratitude for you guys
because I had never stopped for that long and
being like, I'm glad I have friends that made
this fun. Yeah. Me and Ari went down. Well, you
were worried at first. You thought it was an
intervention. It was. I went home. That after
that. Yeah. Joe, you get in serious mode sometimes
where it's not fun anymore. You pull me aside
and you grab me like, hey, just so you know,
you don't have to do this. And I was like, the
fuck? You're making it real. I laid in bed that
night after that first Sober October thing. Laid
in bed and I go, I think I just ruined my career.
Well, can I tell you why I did that? Because
my doctor friend told me that you could die.
He said there's one thing that does actually
kill people. And it's withdrawal from alcohol.
Yeah, we all were really actually legit worried.
We're like, that could happen. There's two drugs
that kill people when they get off of them. Benzodiazepine
is one of them. Benzos, Xanax. Xanax actually
can kill people if you get off of it. Your body
becomes so addicted to it that when you get off
of it, your body just fucking freaks out and
you die. And that shows you how great benzos
are. Well, that's what happened to Jordan Peterson.
That's what happened to Jordan Peterson. What
was he up to? Do you know what he was consuming?
He doesn't really discuss that. He's a little
tight -lipped about that. But it's got to be
significant for people to go through. I do not
know. I was sad that he did it in the first place
because I think he didn't understand the withdrawal.
No one understands with benzos because the doctor
prescribes it. They always give you like one
milligram, and then you're like, oh, wow. You
take that one milligram, and it's overwhelming,
and then slowly but surely that one milligram.
What does it do? Yeah. It's like Jesus. You've
done it? Oh, yeah. What does it feel like? It's
the greatest feeling in the world. Xanax is?
Yeah. I mean, it literally just imagine yourself
being very anxious and it's just being eliminated.
But doesn't it rebound and so your anxiety increases
when you get off of it? Well. That's what I've
heard. I mean, it's short lasting. They're not.
The thing about Xanax stuff is that it's fast
acting. So it hits you pretty quickly. And if
it's strong, not only would it reduce your anxiety,
but you would get like a. buzz of sorts. You
feel good. It can be addictive. People take different
quantities of it. Taking a milligram is actually
a strong dose. If I ever take one, I take 0 .25.
How often do you take it? I still have the same
30 that was prescribed to me from two years ago.
So you can just do it every now and then and
not do it. Oh, yeah. I had a problem with it.
I had a problem with it, legit problem. Dom Herrera
was taking quite a bit of it. He was taking it
a lot, but he said it made him feel great. He
was having, like, issues. Panic, anxiety. Oh,
with a glass of white wine? Oh, my God. If you
start drinking on it. I'll tell you what, fucking
all anxiety goes away when I do hard cardio all
the time. It's true. We were talking about this
last night, is that one of the things that's
coming out of this Sober October thing that came
out of the last time we had the fitness challenge,
and you and I talked about this, there's a thing
that happens when you do that hard cardio every
day where you don't give a fuck. It's true. It
gets easier. Yeah, it gets easier to do the hard
cardio because you get in shape, but you were
talking about the inner chatter. Yeah, because...
All, you know, stress, anxiety, everybody has
different degrees of it. But when you're doing
hard workouts, like when you fucking, like, gas
yourself, you're done, and you do it consistently,
like. Nothing really. It's just hard to stay
consistent and to recognize that that really
is like a medicine. But it's like a medicine.
It does leave you feeling like you can't think
about other stuff. So what's the exercise for
you? For me, it's cardio. No, no, no. Out of
all the cardio, it's not running. Is it the rowing
machine or the bike? Well, I have a knee issue
that fucks with me when I run, and I've been
getting stem cells in it. I fixed my right knee.
It weighs too well. Shout out to weighs too well.
My right knee is 100 % now. Zero problems. And
I had a torn meniscus in it. It would swell sometimes.
and I get like a cyst. I got it drained like
six, seven times. It was a real problem. It's
gone now. Like I can do everything. Shout out
to Brigham. Yeah, shout out. Leanne's hooking
up with Brigham. She's doing it. They're great.
Stem cells are amazing. But what's the actual
exercise? Like for me, the only way I can find
myself pushing it to where I'm going like I'm
about to throw up is a rowing machine. Burrowing
machines are great. Burrowing machines are great.
I honestly need an outside motivator. So if it's
just me trying to get in shape, it's like, why
not quit? Why today? But if it's when I'm competing
against you guys, when I'm like, I have to do
this from an outside push, then I can keep going.
But the specific exercise. My wife gets very
uncomfortable when we start doing these things.
Oh, your wife. My wife gets scared of me being
obsessed. Nobody's significant other. During
the fucking Sober October fitness challenge,
I went off the rails. It was nuts. My wife gets
me sober once a year, and all I do is talk about
you guys. Yeah. Texting her pictures of Joe's
shirtless, and she's like, hey, don't let this
happen again. Have fun with it. Just stay healthy.
Let's get healthy. Well, that's why we mitigated
that by making this not a contest. I signed up
for my gym to get, you know. To build a workout,
and they're like, oh, we haven't seen you here
since October 30th, 2019. Yeah, exactly. I think
for me, that tank, I love that Torque Fitness
tank. Oh, yeah, that's great. That thing really
feels, I don't know, it feels amazing. It's a
sled that you push or pull. I love that. We have
one out here. I'll show it to you afterwards.
Like a tackle? Well, it has resistance. You can
ramp up the resistance. Resistance levers? Jamie,
pull it up. Torque makes it. It's one. the best
fitness tools. So you push that thing and then
you also can put a strap on it and you pull it
backwards. It has different, and then it has
a rope. Put a fucking lawnmower on there and
do two things at once. The whole time I thought,
why don't you just mow your own lawn? That was
every comment on that thing. Yeah, but it's not
as difficult. The other thing, I think that like
really fucking... takes me to that level of like,
holy shit, is mitts or a bag. Oh, yeah, man.
Really going ham on that. I don't have any coordination
punching. I really look like a chick. I can show
you that easy. That is hilarious, what you're
just doing right there. The wrists. In my movie,
I think I had my fingers, or I was doing this,
and they were like, yo. Dude, I could teach you
that pretty easy. I guarantee you I could teach
you how to punch pretty easy. You'd figure it
out. It's amazing. I think. I'm tough, like if
some guy talks shit, but when I hit mitts, I
really don't know what I'm doing. But if some
guy was like, and you go, I'll fuck you up, and
you went like this. I can do your hair first.
The key is to learn how to do it where you're
not trying to hit something hard. That's the
thing. Everybody tries hard. And when you try
hard, you like and you use all these muscles
and you fuck up your thing. When you learn how
to punch correctly, the right way for someone
to teach you is literally to teach you just you're
not even doing it hard. You're just learning
how to move your body correctly. And then it
becomes muscle memory. And then it becomes ingrained
in your pathway. So you know where you're putting
your foot. And then once you actually start hitting
something hard, then your body knows what. the
motions are the problem is when you like strain
like you see big guys do that like big strong
guys they know they can hit hard so they try
to hit hard they grunt and they stretch everything
out but that's the wrong way to do it they're
also gassed in like 20 seconds yeah because you're
using so much muscle sure You know, you want
to use technique, and you can learn how to do
it, like, slowly and softly. It's just teaching
yourself to not try to hit it hard. You see those
pros are so loose, too, you know? Yeah. That's
the same thing with jiu -jitsu, too. The way
to really learn jiu -jitsu is to drill. You just
learn how to do something in a drill where you're
not, like, straining against a person. You're
learning how to just train your body to go through
the motions. Like, when I got the best I got
at jiu -jitsu, like, the biggest leap that I
got was, like, between blue belt and purple belt.
That's because I was training with Eddie. and
we were training almost four or five days a week,
and we would drill all the time. I had mats in
my garage. We'd go get high, and he would go
over techniques with me. Eddie is a fucking great
instructor, too. He really breaks it down so
well. Oh, yeah. He's so good at it. So he can
get it. And even though he's a stoner and he's
this wild dude, he's very disciplined. Eddie
smokes weed? A little bit. I went behind him
one time to take him down at the store just as
a gag. Oh, good luck. And he... As I grabbed
him, Eddie went, don't do that. And I was like,
he's like, you know, I'm trained to do one thing
and it happens. Yeah. Jitsu, that wears me out
completely. Wore me out completely. Oh, yeah.
Like all parts of your body because it's like
wrestling in general. Well, that is another thing
that alleviates anxiety with people. What do
you want? Coffee? This is the best goddamn cigar
I've ever had in my entire fucking life. It's
the best fucking. I haven't had any buzz at all.
I've had a buzz. It's a Jaime Garcia. They make
my father. is like the number one cigar out there.
My father always wins the, whatchamacallit, but
this is all. We got this at the bachelor party.
We got it at my father, the judges, and then
me and Liz got a bunch of other cigars for the
people who were like, I'll try a cigar. I'll
have this special one for you. Try one of this.
Like a not as good one. Yeah. They're so cheap
in Tampa. That fucking bachelor party was sick.
That was a lot of fun. They won me over. Sidesplitters
won me over. Sidesplitters? Yeah, they're like,
I'm like, yeah, this place is great. I'll be
back. I've never been. It's a real club. It's
a really cool club. It was funny watching Burt
remember what it's like to be in a club. He's
waiting to go on. Like, jump on. Nobody knows
he's there. And he's waiting outside the showroom.
People are like, hey, Burt, can I get a picture?
He's like, oh, fuck. He didn't understand. He's
just in the kitchen, like, moving past, like,
waiters. Sorry, sorry I'm in the way. I'm like,
this is club comedy, Bert. You forgot. I know
you know this because you like sports the way
I do, but, like, you do Cleveland, you do the
arena in Cleveland, and you're making the same
walk LeBron makes, and you're going like. There's
a gravitas that comes with those arenas where
you hear the people and you're walking down the
hallway and you're seeing jerseys up and you're
like, yeah. Those tunnels. The tunnels. The tunnels.
And then you go to side splitters and you're
in the kitchen and they're like, plate coming
around the corner. And you're like, sorry. I'm
so sorry. I'm so sorry. How am I supposed to
get in my head? I hope they really pop when I
take my shirt off. I hope they really pop when
I take my shirt off. You're trapped. You have
to take your shirt off for the rest of your life.
I'm in it. What are you going to do if you get
ripped? Throw me in the briar patch. Yeah. I
would love to be ripped. I would love for this
special. I would love to. All I want is someone
just to. Remember when Chappelle got guns? Yeah.
And all everyone just on the deal, they're like,
dude, his fucking arms look good. That's all
I want. Someone to go, God damn it, man. He's
got delts. He's got delts. That's all you want?
I'm always going to have the belly, I think.
But just someone to go, he doesn't look that
bad. Can I discuss your belly real quick? Please.
So it's always Tom and I have talked about this.
You look like a trans man that's having quintuplets.
Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. But we
talk about how it's pushed out all the time.
It's hard. No, it has begun to fall over. Yeah,
Ari was obsessed with it last night. He was pointing
to it on stage like it's the Zapruder. It has
finally fallen. It's been there. I compared it
to a growing mushroom the day after it rains.
No, you're confusing two bellies. Explain. My
belly has fallen over like everyone else's. When
I did Secret Time, I didn't realize that it already
happened until they did the billboard of it.
And they did the billboard, and I go, that's
not my stomach. My stomach's tight. And it was
a... You have the craziest, most delusional perspective.
I think I have body dysmorphia. The text message
you sent us the other day, I could do more push
-ups than anyone in this group. I think you can,
Bert. Cheap push -ups, Marky Marks. Yeah, but
cheap push -ups I could do for days. I knew.
I knew it was like Vintage Burt. There it is.
Secret time. That was you? That's me. And they
put that up on fucking Melrose, and I go, that's
not me. What? You thought your belly was smaller
than that? That's me at like 220. Right, but
you at the time thought your belly was smaller
than that. I thought I was in great shape. And
they put that up on Melrose and I saw it. I drove
past it and I go, oh, they must have put someone
else's belly on me or photoshopped it. And this
is like when you go like, I have legit the best
shoulders. I do. Hold on, I do. I have legit
great shoulders. Like great fucking shoulders.
No, no you don't. Joe, they're ripping through
this shirt right now. Yeah, but you say things
and you don't really mean it, right? No, I kind
of mean it. When you say things and you know
they're not true. I kind of mean it. He does
mean it. I kind of mean it. I kind of mean it,
which means he means it. But you say things you
know aren't true. Remember that one time you
said he could do the splits? He probably could.
I actually thought I might be able to pull one
out. But more importantly, out of that whole...
Look at those fucking... That looks pretty good.
Yeah. If you look at me, if I take my shirt off
and just do like this, you go... Yeah. No, right
there you look pretty good, though. Yeah. But
you've got to know that you can't do the splits.
Like, why did you say that? Because I thought
I could pull it out. Same reason I said I could
run a marathon with no training. Yeah, but a
marathon is like you can run five miles. I've
seen you run five miles. Yeah. So just keep going.
The idea of doing the splits is crazy. The best
part of that story for me was when you did a
split and then you looked at me and you said,
have you ever done a split? And I said, no. And
then in your eyes you go. Like you're almost
trying to talk to an island of people you discovered.
You go, what made you think you could do that?
And I go, I don't know. And you went, what could
you do? Yeah, you're like, but what? You've never
done it. And I said, yeah, I know. And you go,
and you were willing to hurt yourself? And I
was like, yeah. I was going to see if I could
do it. I just thought I could do it. But it takes
a long time to get that flexible. That's not
a normal human thing. I don't know. I just roll
the dice. I like that energy, though. That is
the energy. That's Cinderella story energy. That's
not a Cinderella story. That's a torn hamstring
story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like when
you go places and people underestimate you. And
I love my favorite part of Sober October is the
subtle shit talk where you go, I will murder
you. Like, I don't know, I said, I think I can
do more push -ups than you. And your reply was,
I will kill you. And I started giggling so hard.
I'm at dinner with my family, and they're like,
what are you laughing at? And I go, Joe. And
they go, what did he say that's funny? I go,
well, it's only funny if you know him intimately.
Because I know you, you're like. What the fuck?
And then I thought, I really thought, because
I've been to Ways to Wellness with you. Is it
Ways to Wellness? Ways to Well. Ways to Well
with you so many times, and I've seen you getting
the shots in your shoulders. I go, I bet he can't
do a push -up. Oh, my God. I bet he can't do
a push -up because of his shoulders. That's what
I thought. But they're not that bad. You unlock
in Joe a competitiveness that only comes out
around you. When he did it at your studio, the
whatever it's called. The arm wrestle. Arm wrestle.
Yeah. But just the way he was like, let's do
it, fine. It wasn't that competitive, but it
was still like, he was like, bye, and then just
walks out. He crushes the dude and walks out.
Like, you're an idiot. With Burt, it's like,
it makes you mad. It's because Burt's making
claims, though. Yeah. Well, you have a delusional
perspective that I just don't understand. You're
a truth seeker, and this guy attacks that. Yeah,
I am the Alex Jones of fitness. Hey, in what
way? In what way? In what way? What the fuck
is up? I literally just made this comparison
yesterday. In that I talk wild shit, and then
every now and then it matches up. That's exactly
what I said. Every now and then you're like,
oh shit, frogs are gay. You're the guy that goes
to the center court and goes, I bet I could fucking
hit this from here. And everybody's like, no
way. And then you swish, and then you walk away.
Yes. Once in a long while, you'll pull out a
marathon. Yeah, you'll pull out a miracle. Every
now and then people are like, what the fuck?
When we were doing the Sober October Fitness
Challenge, you were what I thought of 80 % of
the time. Hatred. Spite drive. There was just
fury inside me. I was like, I'm going to drag
him to hell. That's my brand. Jesus Christ. Dude,
when we went to... We were doing fully loaded.
But at the end of the day, these professional
baseball players are on the field. And they're
like, hey, man, I heard you want to try out for
the team. And I was like, I'll fucking give it
all up right now for one season, one contract.
And they're like, can you swing? And Attell goes,
I got $100. Says he doesn't connect. And I went,
OK. And then literally got up there and one hopping
off the fence. And Attell's like, are you fucking
serious? And then the pitcher goes, looks at
the team. He goes, these are with no pace. There's
no pace on these balls. What does that mean,
pace? Meaning he's throwing them at like 40 miles
an hour, so I'm doing all the work to get the
ball out there. He goes, with a little bit of
pace, I think it'll go yard. And I was like,
put some pace on it. And fucking, you can find
the video of me hitting fucking bombs. I think
you are a secret athlete. I really do. I just
think you just don't do anything about it. You
also have a specific athleticism. I have things
I'm good at. I have a few things that I'm good
at. See, when I first heard you were in... you're
a good athlete or you told me that I was like
get the fuck out of here because I it's all based
on what you know now well what your origin is
of athleticism you know what I mean so like a
baseball kid who played a lot of baseball thinks
of like somebody good at baseball so like if
you played football like that's all I did great
athlete means runs the fastest jumps the highest
can bench fucking 225 30 times i was like no
yeah but then i saw him do all the things that
are it's still athletic it's just outside of
that realm right it's like that everything that
was like hand i saw the ball everything like
he could like i'll throw i'll throw this ball
and hit that thing off the you know off that
uh like bar over there i'm like what are you
talking about and then he'd have boom and like
ding it i was like oh shit he can he can make
these wild claims on maybe that's where the delusional
part works because you don't have any you really
believe it. That's the thing he does. I do. Cause
he's a real dreamer too. He'll say, he really
is. He'll say, it's the way I tell the story.
I live, I live in a world where I want you to
feel it. It's not about, it's not about reality.
It's about feeling it. Right. I want every, I
want everyone to, it's why I like alcohol. I
like the feeling, you know, like I don't need
it to be, I don't need it to be real. I need
you to, I want it. I want the energy. Like, that's
why I love a cigar and coffee is like, That's
not how you're supposed to start a day, but that
fa -fa -fa -fa. And I think I am that way with,
like, physical achievements. My friends I grew
up with, I mean, have said this. They look at
me sometimes a little bummed out. They'll be
like, what happened to your body, man? You're,
like, a legit athlete. Like, this isn't who you
are. But when I went to college, I remember intramural
softball. Everyone was making, like, big claims
about how good they were. And I was like, I'm
actually really good. And I was like, I'm not
going to say a fucking word. I'm not going to
say a word. Everyone thinks I'm some stoner alcoholic.
I'm just going to go in and just fucking drop
bombs. And then that look on someone's face when
they expect nothing of you and you over deliver
is, I think, how I've set up my career. Same
with stand -up. I remember I ripped my shirt
off. And I remember David Letterman was doing
an interview with Mike Binder. And Binder texted
it to me. And David Letterman goes. I mean, he
rips his shirt off. Like, you don't expect anything.
And then it's good material. And then I was crying
because I was like, that's everything I want
you to do is like under -believe and then over
-achieve. But I think especially with sports,
I have a little bit of, I live in maybe not a
big reality. I'm like that with fucking. Really?
I can't fuck at all. I'm very real about fucking.
I can't fuck at all. I feel bad for Leanne sometimes.
Even she talks about it. Can you imagine this
mounting you and just pumping you? She's probably
so worried you're going to die on her. No, I've
come so fast that she's laughed. I came so fast
one time, started laughing. I go, hey, you're
not supposed to laugh when people come. She goes,
well, he's just, I mean, come on. You'd have
to see the humor in this. She goes, I don't think
you could have gotten AIDS from that fuck. That
was so quick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fast. Fast.
Like, fast. Every time? If I go down on her,
it'll be like three pumps. I get, yeah. You get
excited? You get worked up ahead of time? Oh,
dude. Get that J in you. Whee! I can grind on
the bed while I go down in order to fucking come
in the sheets. I'm fucking quick. And this is
like with jacking off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
if you don't jag off for a while, then you fuck
it's like almost immediate Yeah, it's probably
why I don't cheat because I think if I fuck someone
the look of disappointment in their face I Remember
I fucked one chick I fucked one chick I told
Tony was the story said never tell anyone I Fucked
her and I came so fast. She got angry. Oh my
god. You need to read a book You need to read
a book or get online and learn something. Wow.
That's a rude thing for a girl to say. Read a
book and then come back and finish your job.
And then she goes, and I was going to say, give
me a minute, I'll go again. And then I was like,
hey, you can't talk to me like that. That's not
cool. What if I said this is really shitty? We
just had sex. I know I came fast. And she got
really mad. And then I was like, I'm going to
have to ask you to leave. This isn't cool. And
then she went to my, I was still naked. She's
like, you're not cool. and I had a beer in my
hand. My roommate came out, Wicho, and I still
had a condom and a beer in the kitchen, and I
went like this. Are you still wearing your used
condom? Watch out for the fucking spilled condom.
Just like the little reservoir, just like dangling.
My buddy Wicho comes around the corner, and I
go, she'll be out in a second. She came out,
and she goes, are you being fucking serious?
I gotta go to Brooklyn now? And I was like, yeah,
I'm... I just can't let you talk to me. That's
not cool. My feelings are hurt. And like, I'm
like, that's not how this works. Like, you're
not my girlfriend, but you can't like yell at
me. I go, I know I wasn't good. And she got to
the door. She goes, I can't fucking believe this.
And then she was really angry, and she faked
a punch. And I spilled beer all over myself,
and my dick went up and hit me in the stomach.
We both started laughing hysterically. You and
the woman? Me and the woman both started laughing
in my door hysterically. And then she smiled
and went to my neighbor's door and pounded on
the door. And she goes, Bert Kreiser can't fuck.
And knocked on every door down the hall. Wow.
Good for her. Good move. That's a solid move.
Jesus Christ, dude. Where did you find that fucking
animal? Don't divorce her. Boston Comedy Club.
There you go. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I shaved my
legs for this? Son of a bitch. That reminds me
of when we went to that national championship
game, and we're trying to skirt the line, and
they weren't famous then, and we're just trying
to get through, trying to get through, and everyone's
like, hey, what the fuck? You gave them 100 bucks,
some random bouncer guy, security, and they were
like, why? Who are you guys? And Burch just goes,
I'm Tom Segura. Google me, motherfucker. Yeah,
and you're just like, come on. Yeah. That was
the funniest. Do you remember one lady's like,
hold on, did you just play a black guy to walk
you to the front? And we're like, that's exactly
what we did. Yeah, I mean, we didn't take his
race into account. Yeah, sure. He has the yellow
jacket. The yellow jacket is insecurity. You're
just mad you didn't think of it. We were just
like, hey, man, make this happen. He was like,
okay. Done. No one knows this. I realized this
when I was working the door at the store. If
you tip a guy $20, $100. Game changer. You owned
me for the night. I'll do whatever the fuck you
wanted for $20. For $100? Let's go. You're running
late, by the way, at an airport, and you find
somebody that works at the airport, and you have
cash. Give that person $20, $40, whatever. That
person will get you through security. For sure.
Really? Absolutely. Yeah. You just give me four
hours of - You say, hey, I'm in a rush. I'll
give you a hundred bucks. Get me through the
line. They know the people at TSA. And then they'll
be like, okay. And then they'll look for someone
they know. They'll be like, hey, man. Hey, hey,
hey. And then they'll just get you. There's nothing
like a cool person at TSA. Yeah. Every now and
then, you know that story I tell about the lady
that got randomly selected at TSA? There's nothing
about a funny person that you meet at TSA. You're
like, all right, we're okay. The world's okay.
You're a person who's in this weird position
where people every day are bullshitting you and
you're trying to do your job, but every now and
then you run into a cool person. I asked the
guy once, because sometimes you say your name
out loud, and it's like, what? Why do I have
to say my name out loud on my ID? And so I asked
the guy, I was like, why here and not anywhere
else? And he goes, oh, because the guy who runs
this TSA at Newark is a power hungry. And I was
like... Ari Shaffir. He's like, go ahead. I'm
like, good answer. I used to do concierge key
for American when I flew American. And there's
this dude at the gate. Birdfly's private. Tony.
Go ahead. What is a concierge key? That's like
their highest level. I got in trouble for talking
about it on this podcast. I got kicked out of
concierge key for talking about it on this podcast.
What? What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's concierge
key? It's their highest level. It's the highest
level. It's invitation only. Oh, they take you
into that sneaky little spot. Oh, I did that
once. What? Yeah. Yeah. It's the highest level
you can get. It's invitation only by American
Airlines. I got it. Like for super loyal people.
And they're like, do not talk about it. And I
talked about it on Rogan. woman called me and
chastised me wow and said uh and said just so
you know We don't appreciate you talking about
this on your little podcast. It's the biggest
podcast in the world. And they lost me at that
moment. I go, you're not allowed to call me and
chastise me in my house. That's not how that
works. Not unless I come super fast, right? Yeah.
This isn't cool. So how could they have a thing
that you're not allowed to talk about? It's called
concierge key. Tom Papa hit me up about it. He's
dying to get it. You go through a private line
in the airport. Now I just do private suite,
which is fucking the best. That's a separate
entrance. on the other side of the airport. That's
the shit. That's the shit. Yeah, I've done that.
That's where Beyonce goes. That's where Beyonce,
Kardashians, everyone goes there. Private entrance?
You gotta get a membership. Own TSA. Are you
allowed to talk about that? Fuck yes. They're
fucking badass. Do you see the picture? Pull
up my stories. They had a bottle of Tito's wrapped
in caution tape in my suite yesterday. And they're
like, we'll hold this until November. Then the
dude rolled in. Oh, that's awesome. I told them,
I go, man, I'm, I'm bummed. I need a treat to
be here, and I don't see any treats. They have
a Diet Root beer. Dude came back with Kool -Aid
packets. No way. A tray of Kool -Aid packets.
That's private suite. This is the fucking greatest.
Oh, look at that. That's awesome. Caution, too.
It's over October. They are the best. We'll save
this for until November. Oh, I get it now. That's
cool. If you don't fly, then look, he just walked
in with a thing of Kool -Aid for me. What? They're
the best. The fucking best. Well, you drink Kool
-Aid. Are you drinking diet Kool -Aid or regular
Kool -Aid? Zero sugar. Zero sugar. What's in
there? Zero sugar. It's zero sugar. But what's
in there? It's not sugar. What's the flavor?
Have you ever looked at the ingredients? It's
triglycerides and peptides. It's way better for
you. Good shit. It keeps you young. The private
sweets, the shit. The first time I did it, I
had... They gifted it to me. They said, you know,
I was coming in. I was panicked. I think my travel
agent was like, hey, he's only got like eight
hours in L .A. Private suite. You get a membership,
right? I'm a member now. Just at LAX or everywhere?
Just at LAX. At your main airport. But you drive
in. You take a separate entrance. They bring
you into a suite. What? They have all the shit
you like. Liquid death always. Tito's. They bring
caviar. What? Caviar. What? It's next. It's the
greatest. Treat you can give yourself flying
that isn't private, flying private. It's the
greatest treat you can give yourself. You're
all about treats. I'm defined by treats. You're
all about rewards. I'm defined by treats. When
you guys are talking about self -help books,
I have a self -help book that I have chaptered
out for the way I get by. Because there's more
people that are like me than, like, going to
be like Cam Haines. So, like, I want those guys
to succeed. And one of the things, number one
thing, and I bet you asked a lot of people that
are successful. the number one thing I need is
treats. I need a treat. I need something to look
forward to at the end of the day. And right now
it's Kool -Aid. I bet I have it in my pocket.
I just don't walk around without Kool -Aid. I
don't walk around without Kool -Aid. Because
I get a bottle of water and I go, I know I should
drink this water, but I need a treat. I need
something to... Why don't you put Liquid IV in
there? Liquid IV tastes great and it's actually
good for you. I love Liquid IV. They're a little
bigger packets. Too big for your pocket? Yeah.
But but private suite is so the first time I
use it they go wait what experience the problem
with liquid IV is the packet size I Have one
in the morning, but I know in my pocket needs
a fanny pack. How come you don't use one? Yeah,
are you yeah, I'm a fanny pack. I love you want
one like this. I have these This is much smaller.
This is much first time. This how privacy hooked
me I got eight hours at home. I travel agent
Reese's out. There's a place called private suite.
They'll meet you at the plane, take you off the
plane in a car and get you home. And so they
grab your bags for you. You don't have to go
through any of this stuff. That's great. So I
go and they go, we know you're on a time crunch.
We got you a helicopter taking you home. What?
I flew LAX to Burbank. I was home in, from the
second we touched down, I was home in 20 fucking
minutes. That's fucking sweet. And the guy gets
in the helicopter and he goes, you want to go
to the interstate? You want to go to the ocean?
I go, go to the ocean. He goes, you want to get
low? And I was like, fuck yeah. What? And we
flew about 20 feet off the fucking ocean. and
then got to Burbank and I was home. Another good
impression of the sound. You're just killing
the sound. What the fuck? And by the way, Private
Sweet, if you're not cool with me talking about
this, I apologize. I'll never leave you. I'll
never leave you. I'll be a member forever. Why
don't we do a tour? Let's do a little tour together.
Just a few dates. Can I promote it? Because we'll
be doing fucking stadiums. We will be doing fucking
stadiums. I don't like outdoors. Tell me what
you want to do, Joe. The Gorge? Let's do the
Gorge. What's the Gorge? They have a great music
festival there near Seattle. We do the Gorge.
We do that cave in fucking Tennessee. Have you
seen the cave? Type in cave theater Tennessee.
This is fucking next level. Look, I'm all about.
Eventizing an evening. I love. There's nothing
I love more than hearing Steely Dan's coming
to the Hollywood Bowl. Look at this. Oh, my God.
Where is that? That looks like an Edinburgh.
That's intense. Oh, my God. That's amazing. The
sound. Holy shit. That's incredible. Why have
I never heard of this? Dude, I'm telling you
right now. Who is that on stage? I think it's
your mom. Oh, my God. My mom. Dude, that fucking
cave was incredible. Look at the gorge. That's
fucking Red Rocks. Red Rocks, I might be the
most jealous of anyone I've ever seen play a
venue was you playing Red Rocks. You love Red
Rocks? It's just so cool. John Denver said if
I had one set left in my life, it would be Red
Rocks. You haven't done Red Rocks? No. The Beatles
played there. I mean, it's like, it's such, A
great night in that you get there early. That's
where Bird did his last special. Yeah. You get
there early. You go in. I've been hiking there.
You do. That's the first time I did Red Rocks.
Wow. I'm a little overweight there. I think I
gave Norma that shirt. You look exactly the same.
I know. But Red Rocks, you go in, you get in
there early, you do your sound check, you get
an IV, you get dinner at the venue. They make
great dinner. Then everyone starts piling in.
The show starts. The best part of Red Rocks is
they give you an option. You can go Sebastian
Maniscalco, get in a Sprinter, get out immediately.
Or you've got to wait until traffic dies. Are
you telling me I get to make a Tito's and soda
and have a joint and sit on stage at Red Rocks?
Sit on stage as they go? As it's empty. You smoke
a joint and go, fuck yes. See the stars out there?
Dude, it's amazing. And the thing that I'm really
attached to right now is giving... immersing
yourself in the fan experience as an artist and
saying, what do I want out of life? I think it's
easy for you to go, who gets me excited? If you're
a fan of Wilco, I'm a fan of Wilco. I saw Wilco
at... fucking these cocksuckers. I saw them at
Red Rocks and I was high and I was drunk and
I was crying. One of the songs, bawling, crying.
Cameraman just puts the camera on me and I'm
sobbing, crying, holding my wife, singing along.
But that moment for me is beautiful because I
love Wilco. And I got to see him at the most
beautiful venue ever. I try to do that for my
tour. Looking at you from the audience. From
the audience perspective. If you're a fan of
Burt, what do you want? And this is what's great
about touring when we did Fully Loaded with Shane
Gillis. He goes, Are you fucking kidding me?
We're at a baseball field and you're just going
to walk on stage? He goes, you come running in
from right field, the bullpen. You come in. Play
the walkout song. Play the walkout song. Mariano
Nirvana. Close enough. Yeah, whatever. Fucking
the Metallica song, you know? Enter Sandman.
Enter Sandman. Because it's lights out. And by
the way, I got chills right now. I go up for
that and just sprinting. We do Thunder Valley.
They go, we'll put you in a sprint car. we'll
play at the starting line. And you're going 90
miles an hour standing up in a fucking car. For
me, I think that's amazing. So when you say a
tour of us, my cock gets hard. And I go, you
eventize that. How come we haven't done that
yet? We talked about it before. We have to plan
it far out. I need to write a whole new act.
I'm in that spot where just filmed and I've got
to fucking figure out how to put together an
hour. He's the problem because he's already doing
the biggest venues you can do. Right, but he'll
be done around the time that the club's open
and I'm ready to - He's touring until his children
are in high school. No. I do have my international
stuff next year, but it ends in May. That's April,
yeah. We could do June or later. June or later
is good. That's a good timeline. I got fully
loaded, too. I'm doing it for six weeks. Or October
-ish. Yeah, but that's just six weeks. So we
talk about August, September. September. I'd
do it. Yeah. I'd do it. It'd be fun. Well, really,
the way to do it is right before Sober October.
Oh, right. Yeah. Right? You don't want to do
it in October. Right. Fuck that. Party in September,
then. Are we committed to Sober October for the
rest of our lives? I will. Can I make a couple
suggestions for next year's? Weed. Put weed back
on the menu. Tonight is going to be a triggering
event for me. I haven't had a triggering event
yet. We're going to see Roger Waters. Why? Because
I haven't been in a situation where booze should
be here or I should be on acid for Roger Waters.
Yeah. And that will be a... I'll be itchy. I
hung out with Roger Waters yesterday. I played
pool with him. You did? Yeah. You guys podcasted?
Yeah, we podcasted, played pool. How was he?
He's great. He's awesome. He's such an interesting
guy. He's so fucking smart. I interviewed with
him for the 25th or 30th anniversary of... Dark
side of the moon and they were like did you know
when you were writing this like what kind of
effect? How big it would be and he was like yeah,
I mean, it's great He takes this shit very very
serious, I think he did an interview recently
about Russia Yeah, yeah, it was like he was very
anti -war. We talked about that a lot yesterday,
but he was Kind of pro -russian his thing. No,
not necessarily. He was saying that there's reasons
why they're reacting this way Yeah, this is we
violated treaties NATO has pushed. This was talking
about Yeah, it's not as simple and cut and dry
as everybody said we orchestrated a coup there
in 2014 Yeah, I mean, it's not that simple. It's
like they've openly tried to persuade Ukraine
to join NATO and yeah, there's a lot going on
with that I mean, it's not to excuse what Putin
did Putin did something absolutely horrific,
but it's not like it was He wasn't provoked.
Well, sure, he was provoked. And it's not like
there aren't people that have a movie in a can
about Russia that are waiting to release until
this fucking war's over. Yeah, when was that
movie completed? It's over. We're fucking sitting
here. When was it completed? How long ago? Almost
a year? Probably a year ago. That is so wild
that you can't release it because it's kind of
pro -Russia. I think you were done over a year
ago. Yeah. And the war started and they were
just like, oh, let's just, I remember them going,
we don't want you. Talking about the war. It's
probably smart. You're probably not the expert
on that. I was like, wait, are we not pro -Russia?
And they're like, okay, good call, good call.
Let's wait another two months. I was like, wait,
guys, guys, they're our allies, right? Our axis,
something? The best. Axis of evil. That sounds
pretty cool. Who's that? Wait, Hitler had friends?
They were our allies at one point in time. The
best, best Pink Floyd song. In your opinion,
what's if you there's a song that you just so
many I mean for me. It's money money is Fucking
song is so good that song They use like non instrumental
instruments To start off, that was pretty good.
Good job, man. Way to go, Michael Winslow. I
learned from the master. Taking away the moments
that make up a dull day. That transition into
that song, that... Here we go. This is money,
right? Yeah. Money! It's so badass. They have
so many good fucking songs. And when you talk
to Roger, you kind of know where it's coming
from, man. It's like, the guy is so deep. I mean,
the... God damn, this is good. Right now, Burt
is picturing walking shirtless onto stage. What's
the point of this song? What's the switch, though?
He's like, it's not the way to live life? I think
it's pointing out how crazy it is, the obsession
that people have with money. The best is the
one song they have about trying to split up the
band. How people are trying to split up? Yeah.
Hey, kid, you'll go far. I think you'll be a
big star as long as you get rid of it. Which
one of you is pink? What's that song, Jamie?
And then 10 years will pass. That's my favorite
lyric. How does it go? And then 10 years will
pass without you noticing. Yeah. I would listen
to this every day in Serbia going to the... Have
a cigar. Yeah. How are we going to go to see
this over? That's crazy. How are we going to
go to see this over? I feel like we should have
a one day we pass. Matt Staggs had a good point.
A religious exemption. Oh, this is a religion.
Yeah. Where's the show? Oh, this is such a jam.
Where's the show? It's here. But what then? I'm
not sure. And, you know, he's got this insane
visual. Oh, my God. It's so fucking cool. Almost
like a sin not to smoke weed. He had, when I
saw him. Keep talking. I like what you're saying.
This with lights. Oh my God. I'm going to buy
a can of paint and a paper bag. You guys should
do poppers. Whatever I got to do. I'm going to
hold my breath. He had a bunch of kids come out
on stage with torture masks on. He's just talking
about agents trying to fuck up his shit. This
is Hollywood. This is Hollywood. This is Hollywood.
Which one's pink? He wants to split them up immediately.
That's what they're trying to do to us, guys.
To us? Who's trying to split us up? Hollywood,
baby. Hollywood, baby. Hollywood has about as
much influence on us as that banana rat does.
That's true. We're completely... You're moved.
What can you... We're the industry now. You can
choose to dip into it if you want, but you don't
have to. It's so funny, especially when comics
come under fire and people turn on your friends
and you're like, no. Why? What are you talking
about? No. Suck it. Well, the people that don't
have friends want you to turn on your friends.
The people that are in this weird fucking group
of people that are secretly fucking jealous and
bitter of each other and they're all talking
shit about each other, those are the ones that
want you to turn on each other because they want
you to be like them. But that's what this used
to be. I remember when I started this business,
no one had friends. You were kind of friends
with people until they got something. Yeah, that's
it. There's still guys like that out there. They're
friends with you until you do really well, and
then they just fucking hate. But those are just
bitter, weird narcissists. You guys started in
a different system than I did. You started in
the store. You started in the system that we
created. Store of door guys, of low -level people.
It was almost like when Pesci got happy that
What's -His -Name got made. It was like one of
us getting made. As soon as somebody got passed,
Aaron Cater was the first one to get passed,
and we're like, yes! Yeah, but I was already
passed. We were like that because we realized
there was a benefit in all being together. And
that we realized that there's so much more fun
and camaraderie than there is this weird, bitter
loneliness. The driver brought me in today. He's
like, you've been on here a lot, huh, on this
podcast? I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, I've
known Joe. I was like, there's a few guys that
when you started were like dicks, and there was
a few guys. you and Ralphie, and they were like,
you're funny, man, you can do this. Like, it's
just supportive, I would say for no reason, but
it's a human reason. to do it, you know? It's
a human reason. It benefits us. The more people
that are good, that are doing well, it benefits
everybody. This weird thing that it's all for
you, that famine mentality is so poisonous for
everything, not just for comedy, for every art
form. You want other people out there that are
killing it. It's good for you. It's good for
everyone, and it's definitely good for them.
My best compliments, when people are like, I
like this, I like that, my best is like, dude,
you showed me so many comics. This is not happening.
I discover all these people. Well, you're great
at that, too, like highlighting people on your
social media, too, that are really good. You've
always been that. You've always been a little
more socialist. Socialist, yeah. That's a good
way to put it. I told you this last night, but
I try to implement that a little bit where you
try to help put people over and stuff. Yeah,
put them over. But then you start looking at
it, and this sounds crazy, but then you get to
a place where these guys that, like, you kind
of. I had a conversation with Tim Dillon. I apologize,
Tim, if I'm overstepping my boundaries. But we
were talking in my front yard, and he was saying,
you know, you were one of the first guys to put
me on a podcast, and I'll never forget it. And
I was out in L .A. And I was like, yeah, yeah.
And then you think these guys you're trying to
put over one day will be over. And now, like,
Tim's a big get for me. Like, I can't announce
it, but I have a big thing I'm doing with Tim.
And I was, like, really grateful that he did
it. Pioneer contest? And then you think to yourself,
like, dude. No, it's not a podcast. But you think
to yourself, like, it's crazy how quick that
shifts, that paradigm of, like, Chris DiStefano,
great guy to get on the podcast, like, two years
ago. And now you're like, hey, man, you're in
L .A., can you do my podcast? Yeah. And, you
know, it's like these Mark Norman, Shane – like,
these guys all kind of pop. Yanni. And, like,
all these guys kind of pop. Schultz. I remember
Schultz did Something's Burning when I was in
New York. And I was like – we were talking. It
was like, oh, it's good to have you on. And then
now he's like – He was so quick. He crushed it
with that thing, too, with that special. Oh,
my God. It's just the YouTube is over 5 million
views in a week. It goes 100 ,000 a day. That's
amazing. I checked it today. Yesterday, I saw
it, and I went, oh, shit, 5 .5 a week? Shorts
is another one. I was like, I had like a... late
to the game on like clips putting clips up but
I had like a good like riff on stage and we had
a tape of it I was like hey is there a way I
just wrote him like is there a way he goes yeah
yeah you need big lettering you need a big close
up of your face actually you know what send me
the clip I'll have my guy like fix it up and
send it back to you yeah instead of like A lot
of people are like, I don't know, man. You figure
it out. People who hoard the opposite. People
who hoard information. He came from New York
to L .A. I remember when Schultz came to L .A.,
he's like, dude, the scene here is so different.
Everyone's so fucking supportive. He came to
the store. He came to the store, and I gave him
a big hug. I go, what's up? Nice to meet you,
man. He's like, you want to do a spot? I go,
fuck yeah. I did a spot on his show, and we were
all hanging out. He's like, dude, everyone here
is so fucking supportive and friendly. It's so
different than New York. He's like, you guys
are like fucking doing it right, man. And I think
he just fucking ran with that. He brought that
vibe to New York. Yes. That's the best vibe,
man. We're all in this together. There's not
that many of us. There's not that many of us.
There's like a thousand of us on earth. Like
really legitimate comics. There's a thousand
of us on earth. On the planet. And it's fucking
hard to get there, man. And if you can grab someone
who's coming up and give them some words of encouragement
and help them and take them on the road with
you a little bit and give them some tips and
boost them up a little and get them on your podcast,
you're fucking doing a service, man. Bringing
them on the road. To all of us. Paying them.
Especially, I think, probably we've all sort
of forgotten, like... the status you've gotten
to like a new young comic who like watched you
before they even did comedy like carlin would
sit in the back of the room yeah and when people
got up like hey man that was really funny he
knew he was george carlin giving you that compliment
yes and it's tough to remember who who now what
you what your name means but a little bit of
just like hey that was a really funny joke goes
a long way like a young comic do you remember
the first comic that I remember the first comic
that complimented any of my jokes. Like, the
first compliment I got from a real comic was
Jim Norton. And I was like, I'm in. I'm in. I'm
there. I'm there. It gets you from quitting.
The in -between days where you're like, I don't
know if I can do this. For me, it was Marc Maron.
Really? Marc Maron gave me a compliment when
I was an open miker. Pulled me aside. He goes,
you're really funny, man. You're really doing
some good stuff, man. Keep at it. It's great.
Wow. He was like, don't listen to anybody. Just
keep doing your shit. I was like. It was giant.
I was like a year in. It was giant. It made me
feel so good. Just a little compliment like that.
Louie and I were talking about that the other
day. Someone saying that to you. Yeah. When you're
coming up, it's so valuable. Someone that thinks
you're good. And I say that too. Every comic
that I see that laughs, that gets me to laugh,
I say, you got the hardest part already. You're
funny. Just keep doing it. Just keep working.
Stay in it. Keep grinding. Just keep fucking
writing new shit and keep doing it. You've already
got the hardest part. The hardest part is being
funny. Everything else is just work. The hardest,
it's so hard. Some people never figure out the
funny thing, man. They just, they don't get it.
There's like a, it's like they can't grab it.
Like almost they touch it and it runs away from
them. They just can't get it. And you'll see
them 10 years later and they still can't get
it. That's the sad part. I still don't get it.
Louis, I mean, like at times, you know, you ever
had someone compliment a joke of yours that isn't
the funniest joke you have? And then you're like,
well, now I got to figure out that fucking joke.
And they find something in it that works. Louie
did that to me when we were in Minneapolis. He
came into this spot. We were next, theater's
next door. I said, why don't you come over and
just do a quick spot? He said, you sure? And
I was like, yeah. Thinking, I thought he was
talking about the cancel shit. It was because
he. He's a fucking monster. I gotta follow Louis
C .K. I didn't realize that. Shirt comes off,
everyone's like, boo. Are you sure you want me
to go in front of you? I literally was like,
Louis, I don't care about cancel culture. And
then I'm watching, I'm like, oh, I can't follow
this. And so he comes up and he goes, hey man,
that deaf kid joke, fucking yes. And I was like,
out of all the things? I was like, that's the
one I don't, that's not. So now I've been fucking
toiling with this one goddamn joke that he saw
something in that I'm like, I guess there's some
umami inside this joke that I can't find. This
is Brian Simpson joke. I don't want to give up
the jokes. I would give up the premise. It's
too much, but he's got this one joke. The premise
is so strong. My God, dude, there's something
there. He goes, I know. What is it? What is it?
I go, I don't know, dude, but I laughed so hard
just at the premise. He's so funny. He's so good.
He writes so much. He's so disciplined. He writes
every day. He always has new shit. Oh, and it's
so tight. Yeah, he's really funny. He's one of
those guys. There's this crop of upcoming guys,
man, that are so strong, and they're embracing
stand -up. And I think it's because of the guys
that have already made it that are, like, really
enthusiastic. About them, too. Yes. Because everybody's
excited about Brian because he's the real deal.
He's the real deal. And he thinks differently.
He thinks differently. Yeah, he thinks like a
man. And talks to you in analogies that I never
fucking thought of. Where you're like, oh, shit,
I didn't see it that way. He's like, that's what
life is. And you're like, hmm. His perspective
is totally unique. Yeah. It's so fucking valuable,
man. I just remember right now, Tom, when you
brought me to Crackers. Oh, yeah. And it's probably,
at the time for you, a $1 ,200 to $1 ,500 gig.
It's true. And you're like, it's break even already.
I couldn't get a headline gig anywhere except
La Jolla. And you're like, come break even, but
it'll get in the club. Yeah. And yeah, I did.
Yeah. It was a big fucking thing for me. Yeah,
that was cool. Dude, I took you on the road when
you were a doorman. That's a hard D you used.
Doorman. You were a doorman. You were. You were
just starting out, man. That was actually, getting
back from those first six months, all my friends
were like, dude, you made a jump. And it was
like, yeah, playing 300 -seaters of good crowds.
Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, dude. You actually called.
A lot of people would be like, hey, man, you're
funny. And they'd be like, give me your number.
Oh, yeah, how you found you. Right, but those
people just never call. I remember one time I
called an agent. I was like, hey, your client
said that they wanted to take me on tour. And
they were like, OK. And then I followed up. And
they were like, yeah, they. They don't want to
do that. I was like, oh, okay. Well, we worked
with like 20 different comics on that Charlie
Murphy tour, and you were the one I worked with
in Phoenix. Yeah. And you went up in Phoenix,
and I think you did like three minutes. Yeah,
three minutes. And what? Killed. And then I remember
pulling you aside and going, dude, you're fucking
good. Yeah, but I still was, he was like, you
know, well, dude, give me your number. I was
like, okay. Sure. I didn't think anything of
it. Because so much smoke. I saw Mooney. He got
on stage with some guy from HBO. He was like,
Paul, I haven't seen you in a while. I was like,
uh -huh, you haven't. And he goes, well, I just
didn't stop. He goes, we'd love to do something
again. He goes, I bet you would. And he goes,
well, give me your number. Do you have a pen?
I don't have a pen. He goes, no, I don't, motherfucker.
Do you? Because he had just been like, I've had
smoke blood on my ass for decades. He was Richard
Pryor's writer. He wrote with Richard Pryor.
Paul Mooney's a legend. He's a legend. He was
one of the ones that really bummed me out when
he died because I had an opportunity to see him
one night at the store and I decided to go do
something else. I remember someone said, Mooney's
going to do a set at the store. And I hadn't
seen him in years. And I know he had been in
New York for a while. And then he was doing a
set at the store. I don't remember what I had
to do. It was sad at the end. Yeah, but I still
wish I said hi and gave him a hug. It always
is. It's just like he was, whatever the disease
was, it wasn't. He still had some killer bits,
but it made you sad. Yeah, but. You saw a man
like dying. But there's those things that like
he was one of those guys. Like I told you that
was him telling me I was funny was just like
giant to me. You know, it's like there's guys
that just don't impress easily. When those guys
come up to you and say something to you, it's
fucking big. I remember this is going to sound
so stupid. Like a list of all the people that
did that. Patrice did it for me on Twitter one
time. What? I'd fucking birth conquer or whatever,
and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio, and
he just put out a tweet saying, hey, congrats
to my buddy, or whatever. I don't know. I'm not
going to paraphrase. I know I'm going to fluff
it up, but it's great to see Bert Kreischer succeeding.
He's been an OG or whatever in the business,
and I remember my cameraman, Scott Sands, was
like, dude, because he knew how much Patrice
meant to me. He's like, Patrice, did you see
what he just tweeted? And I read it. I shut my
door and I fucking cried. I was like, dude, he
was the fucking, I mean, he was like. He was
a special voice, too. Yeah, real. Very, very
special. He's a guy that I think if he was alive
today, he'd have the biggest podcast. I would
be number two. He would be number one. Patrice?
Yeah. Let's be very fair. No, he wouldn't. He
would not have the biggest podcast. You'd have
a hard time listening to it. What are you talking
about? He was great on ONA. He was great on ONA,
but he did have a podcast, and it was tough to
listen to. He did? Really? Oh, yeah. Dr. Phillips
podcast. Oh, yeah, Black Phillip. Black Phillip.
He had out there theories. If you allow Patrice
one mic with no pushback, sometimes you get going
to some places where you're like, I don't feel
like that totally. I'm just being fair. You know
I love the guy to death. He had the capacity
to say, I'm sorry. Yeah, but you have to find
your voice in a podcast. You have to figure out
how to do it. We all had to figure out how to
do it right. Yeah, but Patrice would have been
great. on this podcast yes he would have been
yeah yeah yeah oh he would have been amazing
he was patrice was a genius at like at having
an idea and putting it your way and then letting
you kind of go and then just slamming it like
and going this this this he was so brilliant
but trust me i listened to a lot of his podcast
and it was it was early days i remember i got
a compliment from attell in 05 and i was like
oh my like I was that could not have been a bigger
compliment and then the next year 06 he came
through I love this and he was like he requested
me I got a call they're like he requested you
to and I was like oh my god and then after one
of the shows he was like you don't have a new
20 minutes and I was like what and he's like
what do you want to be like an actor or something
and I was like oh my god like it went from the
highest high to like But also good tough love.
Oh, of course it was. It was great. It was super
tough. He does tough love to himself. I had him
in here the other day. The toughest love to himself.
He's so self -deprecating and so humble. It's
like, dude, you're one of the greatest of all
time. He is the best. I mean, I'm not saying
this lightly. The best comic in the world. He's
consistently every night. Certainly up there.
He's certainly up there with the greats of all
time. We did Rochester, and there's a whole city
behind you. No comic thought to use the city
landscape as tags for jokes. And Attell went
up and he talked about, you know, the kind of
guy that goes to Monroe Community College. And
we turn around, there's a huge sign that the
audience sees right above. Oh, if you don't like
that joke, just pray to the glowing cross up
on the mountain. And there's a cross up there.
I mean, he just worked so seamlessly, worked
the city landscape into his bit. Dude, he did
stuff that weekend. I still haven't seen people
do, which is like we were doing like six show
weekends at Brea. Yeah. And Thursday. He would
do, you know, his set and there'd be like this
joke, whatever, 20 minutes in that kills. And
then Friday early show, there'd be a different
punchline that would do worse. So Friday late
show, I would listen and it would be that joke
again. He would do, he didn't do the Thursday
night one that killed. He tried yet another.
Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? And he was
doing this like throughout his set all the time.
It was like, he was never satisfied even if it
was doing well. I was like, he's always tweaking.
And then he was recording exact words. Like I'd
never seen somebody. He just doesn't self promote
at all. No, no. Yeah. He also has a joke structure
that's different than everybody where we'll do
tag, tag, tag. Right. Yeah. And then the next
level is tag, tag up, up, like change the game
on the third tag. He does. tag, change the game
slightly, and then go ridiculous in the third.
You've got to get the audience along with you
for that, and he does it. He's a master. He's
one of those guys that quit drinking and actually
got better. Everyone who quits drinking gets
better. You too? I'm such a better comic when
I don't drink. I don't drink on stage, but the
laziness of the drinking in between. Lack of
motivation, lack of looking at my sets, lack
of focus. Or time. Yeah, it just shows up, and
it rears its head. I think it's fun to get drunk
on stage every now and then and fuck your act
up and try to figure it out in the moment or
get high and do that. But for the most part,
I have to do stand -ups over. I have to be dialed
in. Yeah, those weaknesses. I was going back
from Jackson, getting ready for my special, and
I was like, I'll get high on the road home with
Adrian. And then I was like, no, I know what
else is going to happen if I get high. I'll go
home and watch TV. And if I don't get high, I'll
go work on some of those taglines. That's the
opposite with me. When I get home from a gig,
I spark up a joint and sit in front of the computer.
Really? Yeah, man. That's my favorite time to
write. Like right after I get off stage, because
I'm fresh. I just got off stage and I have these
ideas in my head. And everyone's asleep in my
house. So I just fucking open up the patio door,
spark one up, and I get nervous and crazy and
fucking paranoid. And then I run up in front
of the computer. and start writing. It's a good
habit. You have a different motivation than other
people. You probably go on stage as a millionaire
more than any millionaire in the world. There's
not a lot of millionaires doing what you do.
You gotta work out, man. You gotta do what got
you to the dance. I never stop. You have to you
have to do clubs you got to do I do little shitty
shows I do everything when I landed I texted
I was like I'm going to bed and then you're like
do a spot and I was like I can't not do a spot
I'd like if I just go I can write it off and
go I shamed you I was texting with you and I
was talking to Ari I was like fuck Bert's going
to sleep no way fuck that Emily will shame me
like she'll be like hey I got a doctor I won't
call him for my avails at the store if I'm home
through and she'll just be like We have availability
on Tuesday, and then as soon as I get there,
I go, I have to do it. I have to do it. You have
to. It's like you got to put in the work, man.
It's like there's no substitute for stage time.
There's no substitute for sets. Like when you
get in shape, one of the things that I realized
when I do like a long tour, I really realized
that for the first time when I did the Charlie
Murphy tour because we did 22 dates in a month.
So we were constantly on the road. god damn and
I was talking to Red Band about this he's like
dude there's something that happened to you like
around the 10th show you just got into this zone
where you just and you're in that right now because
you're killing we did like 24 shows last month
something you just know you just now you're just
like you know it oh i can do shit with this set
right now we're like i can like rearrange the
whole order and then play the game in my head
of figuring out what i haven't done yet right
but like thinking on the fly while you're killing
with the bit going what should i do next yeah
yeah it's like it's kind of fun to do have you
switched your opener up All the time and closer.
Yeah. Well Louie said to do that He said develop
a closing bit and then put in the first part
of your act Yeah, and he goes and then you have
to follow it and he goes and so Louie developed
a whole hour in three months Yeah, and he said
he just developed 20 minutes and then when he
got that 20 minutes. He threw it away Yeah, okay.
That's that works now so discipline doing this
people say you know though Because the hardest
thing to do is go to like a pat like the Vulcan
or like store. It's a hot crowd And to not go
like, I'm going to go up there. And he will deal
with not doing well to figure out stuff, to do
work. It's the only way. He knows the path of
it. He knows. It's the only way. It's fucking
hard to do. There's a moment when you start a
bit that you know is not that good yet. It's
like, I was killing last night and I threw this
bit up there. I'm like, I know this is not right.
I saw it. I saw it. I saw it go like this. I
saw it. And then it just went. It's like, this
is going to be something someday. But right now,
it's just like, bear with me. There's something
to this. It's got a beginning. It doesn't have
an end. Because you're all in writing mode right
now. Yeah. I have 11 new minutes. That's exciting,
though. You did an hour of change last night.
Yeah, I did an hour 20. But I have 11 of it that's
new. And then five more that I'm scared to try.
It's just like, I know it's like to eat shit.
And you're like, do I have to eat it right now?
You know what you got to do is a smaller place
where it's not like a bunch of murderers. Because
last night was like murderers row. Everyone was
just killing. That's the problem with the store
now. I say you can't go in between Fitzsimmons
and Rogan and just bring out a notebook. You
can. It's just like not the best environment
for it. Dude, nobody turns over an hour like
Chappelle. I have to see him live. Do eight hours
a night. I have to see him live. Oh, my God.
Dude, we did this show in Columbus. You've never
seen Chappelle live? I saw him do some spots
in Boston Comedy Club when I was a kid. But I've
never seen him do live since. We did an arena.
We did an arena two weeks ago in Columbus. And,
you know, I was in. ohio that's where he lives
like a couple hours from his house he drove and
he got there four minutes before he went on stage
crazy yeah and uh i wasn't sure if he was going
to go up so i told tony i go you might be bringing
me up you might be bringing dave up and so dave
shows up he rolls in he's like ah sunglasses
on and he goes on stage you want to see something
crazy this is the audience not knowing that he's
going to be there and then i walked with them
to the stage and sean shined a light to tony
this is a fucking sold out arena and play this
because this is i got The audience doesn't know
that he's there yet. So now they see him. Look
at this. Dude, it is a one -minute standing ovation.
That's OSU's arena? Yeah. Wow. Look at this.
They're losing their fucking minds. That's wild.
Me and Tony sat in the tunnel before you go on
stage just watching this. I was like, this is
magic, man. This is like the Beatles. It's incredible.
It's incredible. How long did he do? 40 minutes?
30 minutes? Something like that? It was... fucking
incredible wow he crushed but it was it wasn't
just that it was it was the moment because he's
an ohio guy right so he's in ohio and he's their
own and he's the goat and he gets on stage and
they went fucking crazy that's right he's brought
a little bit back of that 1970s elvis richard
pryor movie star like That cool you can't manufacture.
But that's really him, too. He's such a good
guy. He's such a good guy, too. He's such a fucking
good person. He has a comedian's ball every year
besides Pandemic. He rents out a place. Every
comedian in New York is invited. And he has someone
at the door who knows all the comedians in New
York. High level, low level. Open bar. Come have
a great time on Dave. And what does he do? Does
he do a show? No. Just hangs out. He gets up.
He said like two minutes of words, whatever.
He used to have it in the box. So it was all
these weird burlesque performers and stuff. He
just has an event. He goes, talk to each other.
Talk about comedy. You guys are all the future.
Enjoy. He threw this after party in New York
that I went to after we did the - After Radio
City? No, we did The Garden. Yeah. He did, he
just like, they're like, oh, he's having a party
at this thing. And the parties were so, they're
like so much better than. He had a movie. Remember
Dave Chappelle's block party? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I went to see that in the movie theater. They
were wild. It was fucking incredible. That's
next level. And he makes that announcement. He
gets on the mic. There's like DJ there. And then,
you know, it'll be, there's like celebrities,
but like there's just regular people. And he's
just like, put your phones away. You know, we
don't, when he says something like we don't take
pictures, we make memories. Like stop taking
pictures. Everybody just hangs out. It's a great
time for comedy. He also, what you're saying,
looking at it from the audience point of view,
he puts on a show. I went to see Free Ticket,
Live Nation friend, Chris Burns, was like, we
want to go see his movie at Madison Square Garden.
I was like, okay. But I know the tickets were
like a hundred bucks. I'm like, to see a movie?
No. Jeff Ross, Ronnie Chang, Jabberwockies, the
movie, who's the guy who sings, Woo Ha, what's
his name? Busta Rhymes, Fat Joe, Jon Stewart.
All performed? Him, Jon Stewart and him together.
It's like, oh, right. That's a bargain show.
But that's the thing. I mean, look. If you're
performing, that's where Chappelle's killing
it. I don't think anyone goes to see a Dave Chappelle
show and doesn't talk about it for a month. Have
such a good time. I mean, it's like, you know,
especially the shows you two were doing when
you guys did the Tacoma Dome for 33 ,000 people.
25. I would have just let me go with it. Don't
let him. We broke the attendance record. So the
33 breaks at two. Just let it go. What's the
difference? 25 is crazy enough. But it's like
that's the thing that I don't think he's looking
at it as just what he does, but that's where
his head is. That block party was so next level.
You guys broke it in New Orleans, too. I did
that New Orleans show with you guys. Yeah, we
broke the attendance record there, too. It was
pretty nuts. Yeah, we've had some wild shows.
Me and him together are really fun, man. It's
like they're events, man. It's something special.
about it. Hey, Jamie, that's a great hat. I'm
sorry I didn't acknowledge it. Me and Jay. I
got to run, though. I got to go to the airport.
Yeah, it's 12 to. I have to go to the airport.
Wrap this up. All right. All right, boys. Wait,
wait, wait. I'll be in Philadelphia, Portland,
Tampa, Salt Lake City, and Dallas. What did you
want to say? What did you want to say? You guys
tonight. I'm worried about you guys tonight.
Oh, you're worried. Yeah, you're going to Roger
Waters. He's worried that you guys are going
to fall off. No, but here's the deal. One small
piece of paper. One very small piece of paper.
All I need, all I need, all we need is 100 %
transparency. Oh, yeah. If something happens,
it happens. I'm going clean this month. But if
you guys smoke marijuana, I will not hold it
against you. I don't want you to think your month's
over. Are you giving us a free pass? We'll tell
you this. I'll tell you this much. If you invited
me and I went tonight, I would definitely smoke
weed. I would, without a doubt. You want to go
tonight? I got a fucking show in Youngstown.
I would go tonight, too, if I weren't flying
out. I'd love to go see you. So all I'm saying
is marijuana's not alcohol. It's not. And you're
going to see Pink Floyd. We only put marijuana
in just to fuck with Joe that first year. Yeah.
I think Joe needs to address his addiction. Pray
for Joe. I already addressed it. I think you
should be allowed to do an edible. Something
acid, edible, mushrooms. Mushrooms, acid, I don't
count as sobriety at all. Interesting. I've never
counted mushrooms. I mean, neither has I think
AA is like totally looks past those. Well, AA
was founded by a guy who did acid. That's why
you quit doing alcohol is by acid. Yeah. I'm
never doing acid or mushrooms. That's not in
my wheelhouse. I'm probably not. Never? Why?
What? I just don't. It's not where I want to
be. What do you mean where you want to be? I
don't know. I don't have that brain. We're like,
what the fuck? Is it clear? I did it a few weeks
ago. What? Acid? Acid. I did ayahuasca. What?
I swear to God. Shut up. I swear. Acid and ayahuasca
a few weeks ago? No, not acid. I did mushrooms,
ayahuasca. Wait, what? Yeah, I did it. What the
fuck are you talking about? That's what I did.
Are you lying right now? I swear to God. Which
do ayahuasca? It was here. I did it with a private
shaman. How was it? It was amazing. This is a
bit. Not a bit. This is a bit. Not a bit. How
long did it last? I took it around 4 .30 p .m.,
and I was tripping balls until like 2 .30 in
the morning. Wow. Yeah. Where'd you do it? I
got a suite at a place, like a private place.
Why did you do it? Because I heard great things
about it. Yeah, no one has a bad time. How do
you bring this up at the end of a goddamn podcast?
Because you just said that you were going to
be gay and I didn't want you to be. Hold on.
I'll set it up for you. No fucking way. Last
thing I want to see is a snake eat me. No, it's
not like that. It was peaceful. No panic, no
anxiety, no paranoia. You feel clean? Yeah, yeah.
Did you see anything that you want to talk about?
No, I mean, I did go for a walk at like 1 .30
in the morning on these private grounds, and
I thought I saw a fox on this path, and I was
like... It's a spirit animal. Well, no, it was
a cat, a wild cat, but I didn't know, I couldn't
make out what it was, and it froze me for a second,
but it was real. What do you think your spirit
animal is? I think it has to be a bear. Mine's
a bear, and if you want to get merch, go to ymhstudios
.com. Hey, hold on. Hold on a second. I know
you have to leave, but wait. Hold on. So wait.
Did Push do it? No, just me. You just did it
by yourself? Yeah. You are a fucking psycho.
That's great, man. Bring me next time. I want
to talk to you about it. I'll take it. Let's
go. I'll set it up. Let's do it. We could do
it as like a group even. Let's fucking go. Let's
fucking not. I'm in Oklahoma City. Okay, you
don't have to, Bert. I think we should. You should
put the Kool -Aid aside for the night. Yeah,
I want to talk to you about it. It's amazing.
Ari, what's your spirit animal? The shaman I
had, he's throwing this waxy stuff into the fire,
and you'll see shapes and stuff, and every once
in a while I'll throw more in there, and I saw
a fucking weird poodle. Maybe it's that. Or an
aardvark. Maybe an aardvark because of my nose.
Ari the poodle. I don't know, but I don't know
what spirit animal. What's your animal? Yeah,
what's yours? It's got to be a wolf. Chipmunk.
I think it's probably a wolf. It's surprising.
Gorilla. Wild chimp. I had a dream once where
I was a wolf. I had a dream once where I could
smell rain. It was me and some other animals,
and we were closing in on a deer. And we could
smell rain. I remember smelling things. There's
no way you could smell it. And then I woke up
because I realized that I was doing it. I was
like, what the fuck is this? It was too real.
But it was like in a rainforest. And I could
smell things that I just could not. There's no
way you could smell it. I could smell fear. And
we were looking at this animal. And we were communicating
telepathically, me and these other animals. I
think it was a wolf. But I remember smelling
rain. Damn. I could smell the rain. I could smell
fear. I could smell this animal's anxiety as
it's moving slowly through the bushes, trying
to avoid predators. And I was like, this is too
real. And I woke up. Wow. I promise you would
like this experience. I will not. And we will
be talking about this next week on Two Bears,
One Cave. You can't drink for eight days afterwards.
Do not talk to anyone else about this. Do you
understand me? Fucks it up. Still working in
your system. Really? Fucks what up? Fucks up
the effects. And the guy that told me was like,
don't fuck with it. No sex. You're going to say
I'm fine. Don't fuck with it. This is how well
I know Tom. He's been antsy about leaving for
the last 20 minutes because I've been watching
you do your little knee thing where you're like.
He's got a show. He's got things to do. Boys,
I love you. Love you guys. Love you very much.
Have a good time tonight. We're going to have
a good time tonight. Have fun. Eat an edible.
Okay. Bye, everybody.