WEBVTT

00:00:01.639 --> 00:00:04.740
Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1879. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Behavioral Dynamics, Peer Motivation, and Contemporary Wellness Challenges. Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan

00:00:04.740 --> 00:00:08.140
Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan Podcast by

00:00:08.140 --> 00:00:13.960
night. All day. You got some Stogies, Burt? I

00:00:13.960 --> 00:00:15.740
bought cigars. There's nothing better that we're

00:00:15.740 --> 00:00:17.519
already talking about this than a cigar and a

00:00:17.519 --> 00:00:18.679
coffee in the morning. In the morning, yeah.

00:00:18.780 --> 00:00:21.960
You know what's better? A joint. We should address

00:00:21.960 --> 00:00:26.140
that. Yeah, it's a real issue. Not with me, Tom.

00:00:26.339 --> 00:00:28.820
No, of course not. Dude, I don't have the cravings

00:00:28.820 --> 00:00:32.899
that Joe has. You've got to see Stan Hope in

00:00:32.899 --> 00:00:35.060
the green room these days. Are we recording?

00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.899
Fucking Stan Hope over here. Are you not having

00:00:38.899 --> 00:00:39.939
any drinking cravings? Why are you saying Stan

00:00:39.939 --> 00:00:43.280
Hope? Because I smoked a cigarette? Chugging

00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:46.420
it. I smoked one yesterday. You breathed it down

00:00:46.420 --> 00:00:48.700
in one gulp. No, no, no. I didn't even smoke

00:00:48.700 --> 00:00:50.600
the whole thing. If Camel Cigarettes could do

00:00:50.600 --> 00:00:52.920
an ad of you sucking down a cigarette. I would

00:00:52.920 --> 00:00:58.920
sniff paint. I would spray paint into a paper

00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:01.840
bag to get a little bit of a buzz before I go

00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:05.060
on stage. I was just trying to find something.

00:01:05.239 --> 00:01:07.560
Give me something. Give me a buzz. Give me a

00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:10.980
buzz. I'd fucking hold my breath, stand on my

00:01:10.980 --> 00:01:18.200
head. That feels good. That feels good. I'm telling

00:01:18.200 --> 00:01:20.799
you. I stood up too fast the other day and it

00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:22.519
felt good. It does feel good. You what? I stood

00:01:22.519 --> 00:01:25.280
up too fast and it felt good. You know what I

00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:27.359
really feel the weed? Writing. When I sit down

00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:29.219
to write. When I don't have weed and I just sit

00:01:29.219 --> 00:01:31.620
down to write, it's like I'm writing with weights

00:01:31.620 --> 00:01:34.019
on. Yeah. You know, it's like running. Like running

00:01:34.019 --> 00:01:37.319
with a weight vest on. It's like, oh. No. With

00:01:37.319 --> 00:01:39.319
weed, I just can get into it. I just get into

00:01:39.319 --> 00:01:41.900
my head, and I just find ideas. Just run. Yeah.

00:01:42.579 --> 00:01:45.280
Yeah. I like being on stage. Last night was fun.

00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:48.959
I was stone sober, and I love being on stage

00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:50.980
sober. Last night was fun, though. It was fun

00:01:50.980 --> 00:01:52.659
as shit. That was a great crowd. I was glad you

00:01:52.659 --> 00:01:56.959
came down. I took one chance to couple to the

00:01:56.959 --> 00:01:59.340
far right, older dude, and I didn't see his chick.

00:01:59.379 --> 00:02:01.319
She was against the wall, and I was making a

00:02:01.319 --> 00:02:03.879
joke about Leanne being old. And I looked over,

00:02:04.019 --> 00:02:06.640
and I saw his chick, and she was his age. And

00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:09.419
I went, oh, shit, your chick's old. And everyone,

00:02:09.580 --> 00:02:12.639
but I go, but then I said, age appropriate. And

00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:14.819
then she was like, yeah. Like, because, you know.

00:02:14.860 --> 00:02:16.400
Oh, right. Yeah, because, like, Liam, the biggest

00:02:16.400 --> 00:02:19.960
thing is when you upgrade. Oh, yeah. When you

00:02:19.960 --> 00:02:21.840
down age. When you down age. We had a buddy.

00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:24.960
We had a buddy upgrade. Brings his chick. Women

00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:27.280
get angry at that. Very angry. We get angry at

00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:29.340
anyone else doing it. Isn't it interesting that

00:02:29.340 --> 00:02:32.659
guys don't give a fuck? Like if a woman is getting

00:02:32.659 --> 00:02:34.740
divorced and then she starts fucking her personal

00:02:34.740 --> 00:02:38.340
trainer and he's like 32, no one cares. 46 -year

00:02:38.340 --> 00:02:40.360
-old woman, 30 -year -old personal trainer, no

00:02:40.360 --> 00:02:42.060
one cares. No one cares at all. Yeah, if she's

00:02:42.060 --> 00:02:44.240
single and doing it. Yeah, good for her. Look,

00:02:44.319 --> 00:02:46.520
she's got a hot young guy. Women are constantly

00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:49.020
threatened by youth, though. That's what they're

00:02:49.020 --> 00:02:52.419
threatened by. Men are threatened by a bigger...

00:02:53.150 --> 00:02:56.229
Guy like you know a stronger bigger version of

00:02:56.229 --> 00:02:58.150
them. That's the threat and it's a money thing

00:02:58.150 --> 00:03:01.930
to money Yeah, money is a big one. Yes, angers

00:03:01.930 --> 00:03:04.110
men like when a woman leaves a man for Richard.

00:03:04.270 --> 00:03:08.270
Yeah Because that seems like the one you just

00:03:08.270 --> 00:03:11.389
there's not a goddamn thing you do yeah The same

00:03:11.389 --> 00:03:13.270
reason the woman can't do anything like if you

00:03:13.270 --> 00:03:16.490
go my new chicks 24 right like the she can't

00:03:16.490 --> 00:03:18.990
do anything about it Yeah, if you if you have

00:03:18.990 --> 00:03:23.219
a girl leave you for like a college senior It's

00:03:23.219 --> 00:03:26.560
like, all right. I mean, I'm sorry you left me,

00:03:26.659 --> 00:03:29.539
but that's fine. I would think it's funny. Yeah.

00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:33.219
But it must be. Here's the thing. That college

00:03:33.219 --> 00:03:35.800
senior, the funny thing is, the college senior

00:03:35.800 --> 00:03:38.379
would not be a threat to your status. He for

00:03:38.379 --> 00:03:41.379
sure would be a poorer person. You know what

00:03:41.379 --> 00:03:44.900
I mean? Right, right, right. But if he's like

00:03:44.900 --> 00:03:47.400
some fucking young stud linebacker and he's just

00:03:47.400 --> 00:03:49.889
sending it in every night. Boom, boom, boom.

00:03:50.289 --> 00:03:51.370
But you'd still be like, did he get his allowance

00:03:51.370 --> 00:03:54.349
this week to take you out? He's in college. Here's

00:03:54.349 --> 00:03:59.069
the deal. Women and men accrue interest differently.

00:03:59.430 --> 00:04:03.009
Yeah. So like women are like fucking high -end

00:04:03.009 --> 00:04:06.550
IPOs like out the gate. Right. And men are penny

00:04:06.550 --> 00:04:09.840
stocks. And then they invest like they kind of

00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:12.120
like a hedge fund. They look at these penny stocks

00:04:12.120 --> 00:04:14.699
like you were a hardcore penny stock. But you

00:04:14.699 --> 00:04:16.720
were. I remember you were gaining weight and

00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:18.819
you were fucking like – you were like – and your

00:04:18.819 --> 00:04:23.959
material is questionable. Jesus Christ. But I

00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:27.480
know – I've known him so long that when Christina

00:04:27.480 --> 00:04:30.459
signed up for him, that was a risky investment.

00:04:31.399 --> 00:04:33.680
It was. There was no promise of success with

00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:36.740
Tom in podcasting. Back then, it was just TV

00:04:36.740 --> 00:04:38.899
and movies. She had already been on TV. She had

00:04:38.899 --> 00:04:40.720
already had some success. She was transitioning

00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:42.300
into Santa pretty quick, getting writing jobs.

00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.060
She was making the money, and Tom's featuring.

00:04:44.339 --> 00:04:48.019
All of a sudden, your stock fucking goes public.

00:04:48.869 --> 00:04:51.050
Netflix special. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:04:51.269 --> 00:04:53.529
And then, in a weird way, same thing with me,

00:04:53.550 --> 00:04:56.029
dude. I was a rescue dog. There was no... I feel

00:04:56.029 --> 00:04:57.470
like this whole analogy was just for me as a

00:04:57.470 --> 00:05:02.589
Jew. But then as that happens, and this is now

00:05:02.589 --> 00:05:05.189
shitty, but women start aging and then their

00:05:05.189 --> 00:05:06.970
stock starts declining and then all of a sudden

00:05:06.970 --> 00:05:10.230
it splits and it splits and splits. And you watch

00:05:10.230 --> 00:05:12.490
this penny stock keep fucking rising and some

00:05:12.490 --> 00:05:14.589
dudes go, what the fuck am I doing with this

00:05:14.589 --> 00:05:17.149
bullshit stock option? I'm going to sell out

00:05:17.149 --> 00:05:19.920
and get brand new... Very interesting analogy.

00:05:19.939 --> 00:05:21.819
Did you ever see that guy, the woman who put

00:05:21.819 --> 00:05:23.759
out, like, I'm looking for a millionaire? You

00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:25.339
remember that guy? I'm looking for a millionaire

00:05:25.339 --> 00:05:29.160
to, like, make me your wife. No. It sounds familiar.

00:05:29.300 --> 00:05:31.779
You say a guy or a woman? A woman said it. And

00:05:31.779 --> 00:05:33.500
then some economist was like, let me tell you

00:05:33.500 --> 00:05:36.220
about the laws of diminishing returns. And he

00:05:36.220 --> 00:05:38.399
broke down why it's a bad investment for any

00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:41.779
millionaire to take you in. You got to look it

00:05:41.779 --> 00:05:43.699
up. It's just like, great. It's like, yeah, he's

00:05:43.699 --> 00:05:46.810
like, your value is decreasing. As their value

00:05:46.810 --> 00:05:49.250
increases. But it increases if you're in love

00:05:49.250 --> 00:05:51.970
with the person. It increases. It stays. I'll

00:05:51.970 --> 00:05:53.709
always joke about Leigh -Anne being older than

00:05:53.709 --> 00:05:55.430
me and old as fuck and looking very old and all

00:05:55.430 --> 00:05:58.470
that shit. Jesus Christ. I think she's lovely.

00:05:59.009 --> 00:06:01.310
Every week. Every fucking week. But a guy who

00:06:01.310 --> 00:06:03.189
loves his wife does that. A guy who doesn't love

00:06:03.189 --> 00:06:05.129
his wife doesn't say a fucking word and just

00:06:05.129 --> 00:06:08.009
upgrades one day. Just out of nowhere goes, see

00:06:08.009 --> 00:06:10.730
ya, bitch. A guy who loves his wife calls her

00:06:10.730 --> 00:06:12.569
old? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, she's a brilliant

00:06:12.569 --> 00:06:15.610
joke. I told her one time. Jesus Christ. When

00:06:15.610 --> 00:06:18.750
we met that dude who upgraded, fucking left his

00:06:18.750 --> 00:06:20.170
chick. They weren't even married. They weren't

00:06:20.170 --> 00:06:23.810
even married. Common law. Oh, two kids, great

00:06:23.810 --> 00:06:26.209
kids. She was a smoke show back in the day. She

00:06:26.209 --> 00:06:28.629
was a smoke show back in the day. Now, very attractive

00:06:28.629 --> 00:06:31.269
54 -year -old woman. I mean, you know, 54, but

00:06:31.269 --> 00:06:34.230
very attractive. Upgrades to like, I think 27,

00:06:34.290 --> 00:06:37.100
33, somewhere around there. The women were living,

00:06:37.220 --> 00:06:38.660
and then that night in bed, me and Leanne are

00:06:38.660 --> 00:06:40.459
there, and I go, I wonder what I could get these

00:06:40.459 --> 00:06:43.439
days. I wonder what my value is. Is she in front

00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:45.639
of your wife? Yeah. In front of her. To her.

00:06:45.819 --> 00:06:48.000
To her. That's correct. You would get some girl

00:06:48.000 --> 00:06:51.019
that gets your ATM number, and she'd be drawing

00:06:51.019 --> 00:06:53.060
money out of your bank account every day. That's

00:06:53.060 --> 00:06:56.000
what Leanne said. I'd like to see you try. And

00:06:56.000 --> 00:07:00.540
I was like, yeah. Angry. Angry. Challenge. Challenge

00:07:00.540 --> 00:07:03.339
issued. That's the, you know. You're kind of

00:07:03.339 --> 00:07:05.000
curious. I would love to get a Tinder profile

00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:07.300
just to be like. See what's up. Yeah, see what

00:07:07.300 --> 00:07:09.279
I can do. Dude. You'd get some hits, man. Can

00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:13.139
we operate your Tinder profile for a while? I

00:07:13.139 --> 00:07:15.240
would go right to Grindr. I'd point that bitch

00:07:15.240 --> 00:07:17.540
right over. That's where you're going to get

00:07:17.540 --> 00:07:19.620
big numbers. Grindr. If you went over to Grindr.

00:07:19.620 --> 00:07:21.839
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I had a Grindr account

00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:23.680
for him. Yeah. Really? That's when we started

00:07:23.680 --> 00:07:25.699
fucking with each other. I opened a Grindr account

00:07:25.699 --> 00:07:29.060
for him. You would clean up. And people would

00:07:29.060 --> 00:07:31.079
hit me up, and I'd be like, oh, that's so cool.

00:07:31.139 --> 00:07:33.360
I can't make it today, but why don't you come

00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:39.259
see me perform at the Comedy Store? A bunch of

00:07:39.259 --> 00:07:41.100
little twinks sitting there. Wait, are you missing

00:07:41.100 --> 00:07:43.540
drinking at all? No. None at all? Not at all.

00:07:43.579 --> 00:07:45.980
Good for you. Zero. Zero. Well, tell us about

00:07:45.980 --> 00:07:47.860
the health stuff, like you were talking about

00:07:47.860 --> 00:07:49.540
last night. I should have some nicotine when

00:07:49.540 --> 00:07:51.519
I do this. Yeah, let's fire up them stooges.

00:07:51.620 --> 00:07:53.259
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were talking about

00:07:53.259 --> 00:07:53.959
- What do you guys want? Jaime Garcia's are the

00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:55.579
best, in my opinion. Whatever you want. We've

00:07:55.579 --> 00:07:57.040
got a bunch here, too, if you want those. These

00:07:57.040 --> 00:07:59.019
Jaime Garcia's are fucking - Try one of those.

00:07:59.640 --> 00:08:02.180
Jaime Garcia's? Jaime. By the guys who do my

00:08:02.180 --> 00:08:05.199
father's cigar. I like a big ring gauge. I like

00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.560
a strong smoke. Our boy Nick from Foundation

00:08:07.560 --> 00:08:09.699
Cigars is telling me that there might be some

00:08:09.699 --> 00:08:11.660
sort of an embargo in Nicaragua. He's fucking

00:08:11.660 --> 00:08:14.259
terrified. No, really? Yeah, I mean, there's

00:08:14.259 --> 00:08:16.699
some shit going down, apparently. Oh, I got to

00:08:16.699 --> 00:08:18.569
talk to you. I went to the plantation. Oh, did

00:08:18.569 --> 00:08:21.170
you? The one in Connecticut? Yeah. How was it?

00:08:21.209 --> 00:08:23.870
It was so cool. We saw them curing the stuff.

00:08:24.970 --> 00:08:27.649
There's a difference when you hang out with dudes

00:08:27.649 --> 00:08:29.509
that know cigars. Like Bobby Kelly knows cigars.

00:08:29.529 --> 00:08:31.790
Sure, knows cigars. He introduced me to Tatuaje,

00:08:31.990 --> 00:08:35.230
which is one of my favorite cigars. And it's

00:08:35.230 --> 00:08:37.289
almost like you hang out with someone who...

00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:39.720
It's like hanging out with a grown -up all of

00:08:39.720 --> 00:08:43.100
a sudden, but you're the same age. Bobby's turned

00:08:43.100 --> 00:08:44.100
me on to so many good cigars. Hanging out with

00:08:44.100 --> 00:08:45.399
a grown -up, but you're the same age. What do

00:08:45.399 --> 00:08:47.059
you mean? Because he knows his shit. He's a man.

00:08:47.179 --> 00:08:49.620
He's an actual man instead of this. See, me,

00:08:49.799 --> 00:08:53.620
I don't know cigars, and I don't know wine. I

00:08:53.620 --> 00:08:56.419
like it, but I'm like, I have no time in my head

00:08:56.419 --> 00:08:58.980
to become a wine connoisseur. All you got to

00:08:58.980 --> 00:09:03.909
know about cigars is $13. you just go back what's

00:09:03.909 --> 00:09:06.029
around 13 bucks and you'll get a good cigar it's

00:09:06.029 --> 00:09:07.929
maybe my funnest thing of going into a cigar

00:09:07.929 --> 00:09:09.570
shop is getting into the humidor with the owner

00:09:09.570 --> 00:09:11.429
and being like yeah hey man tell me what i want

00:09:11.429 --> 00:09:13.570
yeah i'll tell you what i like i like i like

00:09:13.570 --> 00:09:15.809
something that kind of knocks me off my ass a

00:09:15.809 --> 00:09:17.190
little bit i like something a little stronger

00:09:17.190 --> 00:09:19.710
but i'm a ring gauge whore like i like a big

00:09:20.350 --> 00:09:24.429
Sometimes too big feels like a cock. Dude, I

00:09:24.429 --> 00:09:26.389
went to Cigar Lounge with this guy, Reggie Conquist,

00:09:26.509 --> 00:09:28.450
black guy, comic, and I was like, it's his first

00:09:28.450 --> 00:09:30.250
cigar, get him something, and he goes, do you

00:09:30.250 --> 00:09:35.490
want something flavored? I was like, no! Flavored.

00:09:37.389 --> 00:09:40.769
Flavored. Some strawberry cigar. He's always

00:09:40.769 --> 00:09:47.929
like, that's your raspberry? Flavored. Ugh. Flavored

00:09:47.929 --> 00:09:51.100
cigars, that's so gross. Yeah, like I know what

00:09:51.100 --> 00:09:53.279
I like in terms of... There's another lighter

00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:55.840
here too. I know what I like in terms of like

00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:59.480
a good wine. Like I take pictures of wines. Me

00:09:59.480 --> 00:10:02.580
too. Yeah, there's a good app. I think it's called...

00:10:02.580 --> 00:10:04.980
Dude, I take pictures of wine and send it to

00:10:04.980 --> 00:10:09.080
Matt. Matt Staggs? You're Matt. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

00:10:09.259 --> 00:10:12.379
He's into wine? Yeah, my Matt is, no, my business

00:10:12.379 --> 00:10:15.379
manager is a legitimate connoisseur. Yeah. And

00:10:15.379 --> 00:10:17.600
he has like half a million dollars worth of wine

00:10:17.600 --> 00:10:20.440
in his house, at least. Yeah, I know that about

00:10:20.440 --> 00:10:22.299
him, so I'll send him on. I'll be like, this

00:10:22.299 --> 00:10:28.019
is good. He'll write, no shit. It's called Vivino.

00:10:28.669 --> 00:10:30.649
So there's an app. What kind of response is that?

00:10:30.850 --> 00:10:32.929
Can you imagine somebody going, hey, I just saw,

00:10:32.950 --> 00:10:34.330
you know, Bert Kreischer is really funny, but

00:10:34.330 --> 00:10:39.289
get no fuck. So with this app, it's called Vivino.

00:10:39.570 --> 00:10:42.610
So you take a photo of the label and then you

00:10:42.610 --> 00:10:45.590
could order it right from the app. It's great.

00:10:45.929 --> 00:10:47.909
Tony and I were eating at this steak restaurant.

00:10:47.950 --> 00:10:50.610
We're drinking this really good Cabernet. We're

00:10:50.610 --> 00:10:52.789
like, God damn, this is great wine. This is the

00:10:52.789 --> 00:10:54.350
best wine I've ever had. It was just like really

00:10:54.350 --> 00:10:57.200
good. And he goes, have you heard about Vivino?

00:10:57.220 --> 00:10:58.740
I go, what's that? He goes, we could order this

00:10:58.740 --> 00:11:00.700
wine right now. I go, how? That is brilliant.

00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:02.820
You take a photo of it, and then it shows you.

00:11:02.879 --> 00:11:04.440
It's like, oh, and then it pulls it up. Would

00:11:04.440 --> 00:11:06.200
you like to buy a case? Like, yeah. That's brilliant.

00:11:06.220 --> 00:11:07.940
Just sends it to your house. We got back from

00:11:07.940 --> 00:11:10.440
the road on Tuesday. I had a case of wine at

00:11:10.440 --> 00:11:12.639
my house. Wow. Yeah. That sounds great. Vivino.

00:11:12.879 --> 00:11:14.700
Yeah, Vivino. Yeah, because I take pictures of

00:11:14.700 --> 00:11:15.940
them all the time, but then I realize I don't

00:11:15.940 --> 00:11:17.620
do anything. Exactly. I forget to look them up.

00:11:17.639 --> 00:11:19.480
I forget. You're like, if I see this, I'll get

00:11:19.480 --> 00:11:20.779
it, but you're not going to remember. Never.

00:11:20.919 --> 00:11:22.960
So then, okay, let's talk about Manchette. Do

00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:24.440
you know the difference between dry aged and...

00:11:24.490 --> 00:11:27.350
Wet -aged? Yes. Okay, I don't. Wine or cigars?

00:11:27.350 --> 00:11:30.909
Meat. Meat. Yeah. Yeah, dry -aged is done in

00:11:30.909 --> 00:11:33.990
a large, usually like a cooler, and they have

00:11:33.990 --> 00:11:35.929
a fan that circulates the air. For longer, too,

00:11:36.070 --> 00:11:39.450
right? Yeah. Usually. Well, Adam Perry Lang.

00:11:40.730 --> 00:11:42.809
I became friends with him and he had APL, which

00:11:42.809 --> 00:11:44.730
went under because of the fucking pandemic in

00:11:44.730 --> 00:11:46.429
LA. It was one of the best steak houses. It was

00:11:46.429 --> 00:11:48.490
amazing. And he would dry age his meat for a

00:11:48.490 --> 00:11:51.570
year. Wow. Did you ever eat there with him? No.

00:11:51.629 --> 00:11:55.769
It was amazing. A year? Oh my God. He was taking

00:11:55.769 --> 00:11:58.330
all these experiments in dry aging and he would

00:11:58.330 --> 00:12:00.690
do like your 60 day dry age, your 90 day dry

00:12:00.690 --> 00:12:02.850
age. But he's like, you got to try this stuff.

00:12:02.990 --> 00:12:07.669
It's like 365 day dry aged. So it's got to be

00:12:07.669 --> 00:12:10.409
like muskier. Like a nutty, weird. Weird taste.

00:12:10.529 --> 00:12:13.669
Not my favorite. It's not like I wouldn't want

00:12:13.669 --> 00:12:18.129
to have a 16 -ounce T -bone like that. But for

00:12:18.129 --> 00:12:20.669
a small piece, it was just really interesting.

00:12:20.909 --> 00:12:22.409
It's like a piece of foie gras or something.

00:12:22.529 --> 00:12:24.929
Almost like liver. But not even liver. It's just

00:12:24.929 --> 00:12:27.389
like it's its own thing. I just had raw liver.

00:12:28.189 --> 00:12:30.250
You had raw liver? Yeah, with the liver king.

00:12:30.429 --> 00:12:32.509
Why would you do that? I don't know. With him?

00:12:32.610 --> 00:12:35.110
Yeah, he came to my house. Did you guys podcast?

00:12:35.470 --> 00:12:37.350
We did a podcast. The liver king. You'd be shocked

00:12:37.350 --> 00:12:39.250
how much we haven't caught him. Oh, I believe

00:12:39.250 --> 00:12:41.110
you're both delusional. We don't brush our teeth.

00:12:42.149 --> 00:12:45.929
Are you getting ab implants? He loves livers

00:12:45.929 --> 00:12:47.950
and yours is failing. Did you ask him if he has

00:12:47.950 --> 00:12:49.710
ab implants? Yeah, he said it was a joke. He

00:12:49.710 --> 00:12:53.090
said he doesn't have them. He's fucking jacked.

00:12:53.330 --> 00:12:55.009
He says he's clean too. I asked him about steroids.

00:12:55.549 --> 00:12:58.340
Not true. Well, the podcast comes out on BirdCast.

00:12:58.340 --> 00:13:00.059
Everyone check it out. Tell you that right now.

00:13:00.139 --> 00:13:03.919
Test that guy. No. Well, here's my takeaway is

00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:09.600
there's a lot of self -help gurus these days

00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:11.759
than there ever has been in history. When I was

00:13:11.759 --> 00:13:13.940
a kid, it was Tony Robbins. That was it. Yeah.

00:13:14.039 --> 00:13:18.320
Oh, yeah. That's true. And still doing it, too,

00:13:18.360 --> 00:13:20.320
which is wild. Tony Robbins. Still doing it.

00:13:20.419 --> 00:13:22.240
Still doing it. Still doing it, dude. Selling

00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:24.279
out huge places. Yeah. You know who's good friends

00:13:24.279 --> 00:13:26.820
with him? Jesse May. Jesse May Peluso. Really?

00:13:27.179 --> 00:13:28.820
She's good friends with Tony. I'd go to one of

00:13:28.820 --> 00:13:30.320
his things. I'd go to one of his things. Dana

00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:32.820
White's good friends. He's got to be good at

00:13:32.820 --> 00:13:35.340
what he does. He's great at it. He's fucking

00:13:35.340 --> 00:13:37.159
great at it. Put a pin in Dana White. I want

00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:38.559
to talk about him today. All right, we'll put

00:13:38.559 --> 00:13:41.700
a pin in it. But when I was 21 years old, when

00:13:41.700 --> 00:13:43.600
I was first starting to do stand -up, I got Unlimited

00:13:43.600 --> 00:13:46.320
Power, which is one of his books. And it had

00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:49.779
audio cassettes. He would listen to his audio

00:13:49.779 --> 00:13:52.240
cassettes. And I was living in Revere, Massachusetts,

00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:54.860
at this shitty apartment. And I was writing things

00:13:54.860 --> 00:13:57.190
down. and reading his book and trying to motivate

00:13:57.190 --> 00:13:59.789
myself and fucking get ahead in life. He's got

00:13:59.789 --> 00:14:03.230
legit, legit points. He's done a good job of

00:14:03.230 --> 00:14:05.870
curating really good inspirational ideas. Interesting.

00:14:06.190 --> 00:14:08.909
We all did his birthday show once in Hollywood

00:14:08.909 --> 00:14:11.450
somewhere. Comedy show? Mm -hmm. He just had

00:14:11.450 --> 00:14:12.769
a bunch of comedians. He came to the comedy store

00:14:12.769 --> 00:14:14.549
and he was like, all those guys I liked, just

00:14:14.549 --> 00:14:17.070
hire them. Gave us each 75 bucks. It was really

00:14:17.070 --> 00:14:19.470
cool. And then Jeff Richards was like, no, I'm

00:14:19.470 --> 00:14:21.690
getting 1 ,500. Like, how'd you get $1 ,500?

00:14:21.929 --> 00:14:24.269
He goes, they said $75. I go, how about $1 ,500?

00:14:24.429 --> 00:14:28.149
And they go, yeah, sure, whatever. What? Jesus

00:14:28.149 --> 00:14:30.809
Christ. That's a great negotiation. That's a

00:14:30.809 --> 00:14:33.350
giant. What about $5 ,000? What about $10 ,000?

00:14:33.889 --> 00:14:36.129
Well, he's Anthony Robbins. He's rich as fuck.

00:14:36.269 --> 00:14:38.629
So rich. Yeah, I mean, that guy's been selling

00:14:38.629 --> 00:14:40.909
inspiration for 40 years. That's wild. You ever

00:14:40.909 --> 00:14:43.169
see the video of him going to, he has a house

00:14:43.169 --> 00:14:45.850
in Bali, and him making all his servants sing

00:14:45.850 --> 00:14:50.179
to him? No. That's fucking hilarious. What? Sing

00:14:50.179 --> 00:14:52.460
to him? He makes them sing to him? That's fucking

00:14:52.460 --> 00:14:54.059
one of my favorites. How does he make them? Sing

00:14:54.059 --> 00:14:59.620
to me. Did he guess the whip out? I'm sure he

00:14:59.620 --> 00:15:02.580
would never see this, but it's a video he goes

00:15:02.580 --> 00:15:03.779
to his place. I'm sure he would have a different

00:15:03.779 --> 00:15:05.600
version of this story altogether. If you saw

00:15:05.600 --> 00:15:07.759
it, you can see the look in the gardener's face.

00:15:08.059 --> 00:15:09.960
He makes everyone stop working, and then they

00:15:09.960 --> 00:15:12.940
all do a traditional Bali chant. And you can

00:15:12.940 --> 00:15:15.470
see they're just like, oh, fucking. Okay, here

00:15:15.470 --> 00:15:19.129
we go. Oh, boy. White guy wants us to sing. And

00:15:19.129 --> 00:15:23.509
also be on film. And also be on film. And also

00:15:23.509 --> 00:15:26.759
be on the internet. this is it's got to be the

00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:29.080
video where he's like and i could see that he

00:15:29.080 --> 00:15:31.919
still kind of had like a like a kid's approach

00:15:31.919 --> 00:15:35.340
to the whole thing are we on time am i late they

00:15:35.340 --> 00:15:39.039
had to see the rock he's a big motherfucker he's

00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:42.179
got legit giantism a group of people who worked

00:15:42.179 --> 00:15:47.519
at namale had formed a semicircle saying a traditional

00:15:48.610 --> 00:15:51.649
Fiji farewell to the glasses is not here to say

00:15:51.649 --> 00:15:53.389
goodbye again. I'm so sorry, but I look forward

00:15:53.389 --> 00:15:55.350
to coming back home to see all the family again.

00:15:55.830 --> 00:16:08.629
It's been a beautiful, beautiful trip. He's got

00:16:08.629 --> 00:16:12.389
a staff when you're in a resort. He's got a very

00:16:12.389 --> 00:16:15.990
magnetic personality. Totally. He's not for everyone.

00:16:16.070 --> 00:16:18.919
There are plenty of. It's not for you, bro. And

00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:20.100
that's why you're not successful, motherfucker.

00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:22.740
That guy needs to do squats. That guy's my favorite.

00:16:22.899 --> 00:16:25.980
Same for the son in the back. He needs to, like,

00:16:26.039 --> 00:16:29.519
so this is his staff for his home? Oh, yeah.

00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:31.059
Look at his shirt. It's the Anthony Bourdain

00:16:31.059 --> 00:16:34.100
Resort. Anthony Bourdain Resort? Yeah. So he's

00:16:34.100 --> 00:16:36.679
got a resort that you can visit? You mean Robbins?

00:16:37.059 --> 00:16:39.960
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is Bourdain. All them

00:16:39.960 --> 00:16:41.299
Anthony's, you know how it is. I was like, yeah,

00:16:41.299 --> 00:16:43.179
what? Those Anthony's are all the same to me.

00:16:44.299 --> 00:16:47.039
Yeah, he's got giantism, you know? Yeah. Yeah,

00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:49.000
I think he's got like a pituitary gland issue.

00:16:49.639 --> 00:16:53.659
He's an enormous man. You have that. Pituitaryism?

00:16:53.919 --> 00:16:57.480
I wish. There's a few people there that are unenthusiastically

00:16:57.480 --> 00:16:59.679
clapping in that chain. It's my favorite video.

00:16:59.860 --> 00:17:01.779
Let's go. I want to go back. I want to go back

00:17:01.779 --> 00:17:03.580
because we glossed over that we came back. When

00:17:03.580 --> 00:17:05.920
we were in the green room, you were talking about

00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:09.500
your blood pressure. You were talking about your

00:17:09.500 --> 00:17:11.599
inflammation and how good you feel just five

00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:13.519
days off of booze. What a difference it's made.

00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:15.519
Yeah, I feel phenomenal. My blood pressure dropped

00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:19.519
immediately into perfect blood pressure. It's

00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:24.539
140 over 90 if I'm partying hard. And then two

00:17:24.539 --> 00:17:28.920
days after drinking, it's... 120 over 70. Two

00:17:28.920 --> 00:17:32.079
days? Yeah. And my blood pressure drops. I mean,

00:17:32.099 --> 00:17:35.579
my stomach, my stomach starts making noises,

00:17:35.579 --> 00:17:37.880
like, really aggressive. Didn't it inflame at

00:17:37.880 --> 00:17:40.740
first? Yeah, it super inflamed, and then it just

00:17:40.740 --> 00:17:46.869
starts going... Dude, that's pretty fucking good.

00:17:47.390 --> 00:17:49.569
That's a good impression of whatever the fuck

00:17:49.569 --> 00:17:51.950
was happening. I mean, that's another level.

00:17:52.450 --> 00:17:55.490
I was farting so aggressively the first day not

00:17:55.490 --> 00:17:57.549
drinking. I was at the store, and I was trying

00:17:57.549 --> 00:17:59.009
to have a conversation with someone about disc

00:17:59.009 --> 00:18:01.509
golf, and I had my ass in the main room towards

00:18:01.509 --> 00:18:04.589
the bathroom, and I was ripping farts that were

00:18:04.589 --> 00:18:08.410
just coming. I think my inflammation is so bad,

00:18:08.509 --> 00:18:11.789
it kind of blocks up my stomach. And I was gassy

00:18:11.789 --> 00:18:13.809
as fucking shit. But I don't think you account

00:18:13.809 --> 00:18:16.609
for how much you, like, when you drink normal

00:18:16.609 --> 00:18:19.509
Burt drinking, which is a lot, you also eat crazy.

00:18:19.690 --> 00:18:22.109
You eat crazy. I eat wild. I don't eat bad. Last

00:18:22.109 --> 00:18:24.529
night, I grabbed those tacos and the bell pepper,

00:18:24.690 --> 00:18:26.170
brought it home, and I went, I don't want this.

00:18:26.490 --> 00:18:30.630
Bullshit. I gave it to John Manns and my assistant,

00:18:30.730 --> 00:18:32.210
Peter. That was an aggressive bullshit, Ari.

00:18:32.349 --> 00:18:34.789
You want to call him right now? I don't believe

00:18:34.789 --> 00:18:38.069
you. I don't believe you then. Wow, this is aggressive.

00:18:38.289 --> 00:18:40.349
But wait, so don't you think both... Literally,

00:18:40.430 --> 00:18:42.690
multiple homeless people said, hey, are you eating

00:18:42.690 --> 00:18:44.529
that food? And you go, yeah, I took it to eat

00:18:44.529 --> 00:18:46.430
it. Yeah, I wanted to, but I got home and I went...

00:18:46.430 --> 00:18:47.589
So you were walking around and homeless people

00:18:47.589 --> 00:18:49.549
were asking you for your food? Yeah, you got

00:18:49.549 --> 00:18:53.410
a to -go box. Welcome to Austin, Joe. Where are

00:18:53.410 --> 00:18:54.970
you walking where homeless people were asking

00:18:54.970 --> 00:18:56.289
you for your food? From the Vulcan. From the

00:18:56.289 --> 00:18:59.430
Vulcan. So you walked all the way to... No, no,

00:18:59.470 --> 00:19:01.930
I just walked outside the Vulcan and there was

00:19:01.930 --> 00:19:03.769
a plethora of homeless people going, hey, can

00:19:03.769 --> 00:19:06.130
I get... food from you. Is that a doggy bag?

00:19:06.190 --> 00:19:07.430
Can I have it? Why didn't you just give him the

00:19:07.430 --> 00:19:09.829
food then? He took it to eat it. Well, at first

00:19:09.829 --> 00:19:12.809
I took it because I hadn't eaten all day. Right.

00:19:13.170 --> 00:19:15.109
Then you brought it back and decided not to eat

00:19:15.109 --> 00:19:17.829
it. I got home. Here's one of the things that

00:19:17.829 --> 00:19:21.369
happened a little bit. I got this full metabolic

00:19:21.369 --> 00:19:25.250
blood panel, full comprehensive concierge doctor

00:19:25.250 --> 00:19:29.289
visit. And the guy said, we were talking about

00:19:29.289 --> 00:19:33.200
changing my lifestyle. And I was, you know, there

00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:34.779
was a period of time, Tom knows this, where I

00:19:34.779 --> 00:19:36.359
was throwing up while I slept and breathing into

00:19:36.359 --> 00:19:38.799
my lungs. It's called aspirating. And it was

00:19:38.799 --> 00:19:43.220
fucking, it was giving me hardcore acid reflux.

00:19:43.960 --> 00:19:46.500
And I went to the doctor and the doctor said,

00:19:46.599 --> 00:19:48.460
listen, man, this is going to affect your career.

00:19:48.799 --> 00:19:50.299
You're not going to be able to talk. I was losing

00:19:50.299 --> 00:19:52.279
my voice like crazy. He goes, you got to stop

00:19:52.279 --> 00:19:55.140
eating before you go to bed. And I stopped entirely.

00:19:55.380 --> 00:19:57.759
I stopped eating before I went to bed because

00:19:57.759 --> 00:20:02.029
I saw direct reflection in my career. I could

00:20:02.029 --> 00:20:04.869
do it. And so then this other doctor, he's like,

00:20:04.910 --> 00:20:06.190
you need to lose weight. And he's like, here's

00:20:06.190 --> 00:20:07.869
why I think you can do that. Because you did

00:20:07.869 --> 00:20:09.630
it with the eating before you went to bed. So

00:20:09.630 --> 00:20:11.390
you can change your lifestyle. It's possible.

00:20:11.930 --> 00:20:13.309
So last night when I went home, I brought the

00:20:13.309 --> 00:20:15.829
food because that's my impulse. Set it down,

00:20:15.930 --> 00:20:18.309
called Manz and Peter. They came up to my room.

00:20:18.390 --> 00:20:20.549
They ate it. And I went, I'll be throwing this

00:20:20.549 --> 00:20:22.529
up in my throat all fucking night. All night

00:20:22.529 --> 00:20:24.609
I won't sleep. I won't feel rested. I'll go into

00:20:24.609 --> 00:20:26.690
the podcast feeling like shit. I didn't eat any

00:20:26.690 --> 00:20:28.609
of it. I didn't eat any of it. Good for you.

00:20:28.769 --> 00:20:33.140
Yeah. It's a great story. Do you want to call

00:20:33.140 --> 00:20:36.079
it bullshit? No, he just says the story sucked.

00:20:36.900 --> 00:20:41.920
No, no. I meant it's a tall tale. So, did not.

00:20:41.940 --> 00:20:43.339
He couldn't even tell you what was in the tacos.

00:20:43.980 --> 00:20:45.440
Couldn't even tell you. Those tacos are good.

00:20:46.079 --> 00:20:48.259
That's CM Smokehouse. It's six days. We're six

00:20:48.259 --> 00:20:50.319
days in. Couldn't be in there. Have you already

00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:53.240
weighed differently? I lost like eight pounds.

00:20:53.759 --> 00:20:55.559
How's your tits and your arms? Ari could barely

00:20:55.559 --> 00:20:57.519
hold the mic last night. I have to keep switching

00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:00.240
arms from the push -ups. I can't hold a phone

00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:02.359
to my head for like two minutes. I have to switch

00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:06.480
arms. I look amazing. Do you do? I'll show you

00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:08.220
a picture right now. Right now? I'm looking at

00:21:08.220 --> 00:21:10.079
you. No, no, no. Shirtless. What the fuck are

00:21:10.079 --> 00:21:12.960
you saying? Shirtless. Shirtless? I took this

00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:14.519
picture. Did I send you a picture of me shirtless?

00:21:14.579 --> 00:21:16.940
Shut the fuck up. Your picture was, I opened

00:21:16.940 --> 00:21:20.779
it on the plane, and it's unreal. Like I wanted

00:21:20.779 --> 00:21:23.279
to leak it. Yeah. I'm on testosterone. Unlike

00:21:23.279 --> 00:21:25.539
the liver King. I'll tell you the truth. The

00:21:25.539 --> 00:21:29.400
be honest, be honest. Is that a good picture?

00:21:29.799 --> 00:21:32.779
No, I'll say no. And I didn't even look at it.

00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:36.559
Not bad. Not bad. You got a good cock. You got

00:21:36.559 --> 00:21:38.099
a good cock. My shoulders and chest though. Not

00:21:38.099 --> 00:21:39.940
bad, right? Your cock is a good, solid cock.

00:21:40.059 --> 00:21:42.039
Thank you. Thank you. Especially limp. Yeah,

00:21:42.059 --> 00:21:44.180
thank you. Well, I fluffed it. I fluffed it.

00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:45.700
Did you fluff a little? I fluffed it. I got it

00:21:45.700 --> 00:21:49.039
hard. I walked by the mirror, and I was like,

00:21:49.059 --> 00:21:50.460
I look good. I was like, I'm going to take a

00:21:50.460 --> 00:21:54.599
picture. I'll fluff myself alone in a hotel room

00:21:54.599 --> 00:21:57.039
to walk by the mirror just to see myself. Just

00:21:57.039 --> 00:21:59.920
to see your max potential? No, just to feel like,

00:21:59.940 --> 00:22:01.640
oh, that's normal. You ever put a rubber band

00:22:01.640 --> 00:22:03.460
around your dick and balls, like the whole thing?

00:22:03.500 --> 00:22:06.119
Sure, yeah. Just to keep it. All together. All

00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:08.319
together in a package and just fucking keep that

00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:10.480
blood in there. They used to have Speedos that

00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:12.940
had cock rings in them that would shove your

00:22:12.940 --> 00:22:17.200
shit up front and you look awesome. Jesus. What

00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:19.660
the fuck was that? I think you almost are aspirated.

00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:24.559
So you go to this concierge service. You get

00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:27.740
all this blood panel done. Yeah. And what is

00:22:27.740 --> 00:22:29.380
the guy, what kind of advice is he giving you?

00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:30.720
Well, first of all, he thought I was a liar.

00:22:31.220 --> 00:22:33.339
Like when we sat down, he was like much like

00:22:33.339 --> 00:22:35.160
Ari. He goes, how much you drink? You're honest.

00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:37.359
I tell him everything. And he goes, don't work

00:22:37.359 --> 00:22:40.019
out. And I said, what? He goes, do not work out.

00:22:40.059 --> 00:22:42.119
I don't want you in a gym. I don't want you doing

00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:45.279
anything. He goes, you are high risk to literally

00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:47.660
have a stroke, a heart attack. And I went, actually.

00:22:48.119 --> 00:22:50.920
And by the way, we did a quarter artery scans

00:22:50.920 --> 00:22:55.440
on my neck. Did a KG and everything. Did everything.

00:22:56.240 --> 00:22:58.569
And he's like. And we haven't gotten the results

00:22:58.569 --> 00:23:00.349
yet. And I said, I actually go to a cardiologist

00:23:00.349 --> 00:23:03.269
every six months. I work out pretty fucking hard.

00:23:03.329 --> 00:23:04.970
I'm not going to stop working out. It's kind

00:23:04.970 --> 00:23:07.150
of my thing is I wake up, I party, and then I

00:23:07.150 --> 00:23:08.950
wake up, and then I work out hard as fuck. I

00:23:08.950 --> 00:23:11.990
think I'm fine. He goes, trust me, what you're

00:23:11.990 --> 00:23:14.109
telling me, if you work out, you'll have a stroke

00:23:14.109 --> 00:23:16.289
and you're going to die. And he's probably telling

00:23:16.289 --> 00:23:17.970
you that because most people would. But is he

00:23:17.970 --> 00:23:20.269
telling you this based on the volume of alcohol?

00:23:20.789 --> 00:23:24.869
Based on just a conversation, an interview of

00:23:24.869 --> 00:23:27.680
like, how much do you drink? My weight. Most

00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:29.880
people who would drink, like, heat drinks would

00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:32.160
not be active. Would be dead, yeah. And so I

00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:33.500
told him, I said, hey, man, I'm not going to

00:23:33.500 --> 00:23:35.779
change anything. If you want to have that conversation

00:23:35.779 --> 00:23:37.960
when we get my blood work back and all my tests,

00:23:38.099 --> 00:23:40.140
that's fine. But I said, I don't think you're

00:23:40.140 --> 00:23:41.559
going to find any blockage anywhere because I've

00:23:41.559 --> 00:23:43.660
already had all these. I'm already on medication.

00:23:43.920 --> 00:23:45.200
I'm on blood thinners. I think I'm going to be

00:23:45.200 --> 00:23:47.579
fine. I'm going to continue to work out. I'll

00:23:47.579 --> 00:23:51.299
scale it back a titch. A titch? A titch. But,

00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:53.279
like, I mean, just usually I go until, like,

00:23:53.359 --> 00:23:56.240
I work out pretty fucking hard. And so. Yeah,

00:23:56.319 --> 00:23:58.019
I worked out with you on a gym. You do. You get

00:23:58.019 --> 00:24:01.619
after it. And so blood work comes back like two

00:24:01.619 --> 00:24:03.220
days later, three days later, and he's like,

00:24:03.259 --> 00:24:05.240
I don't know what to tell you. He's like, none

00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:07.720
of it makes sense. He's like, you have no blockage.

00:24:08.119 --> 00:24:09.759
From what you're telling me, either you're lying

00:24:09.759 --> 00:24:12.420
to me or. He's got a test for the mental dream.

00:24:12.500 --> 00:24:15.380
Well, I think you're a very unusual specimen.

00:24:15.599 --> 00:24:17.359
And Tom and I were talking about this. Like if

00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:19.640
you didn't drink and party and you just like

00:24:19.640 --> 00:24:21.220
worked out all the time, I think you'd be like

00:24:21.220 --> 00:24:24.440
a freak athlete. I really do. I really do. I

00:24:24.440 --> 00:24:27.079
think you're one of those guys that if you just

00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:30.759
didn't party at all and hit the gym and trained

00:24:30.759 --> 00:24:34.180
your whole life, you'd be a fucking freak. I

00:24:34.180 --> 00:24:38.119
really think that. I don't disagree. I really

00:24:38.119 --> 00:24:42.299
enjoy working out. I do enjoy it, and I work

00:24:42.299 --> 00:24:45.859
out really hard. Working out sober hard. I don't

00:24:45.859 --> 00:24:47.500
think I've ever worked out this hard sober with

00:24:47.500 --> 00:24:50.380
direction. You work out, you get drunk and then

00:24:50.380 --> 00:24:53.480
work out? I have, yeah. Wow. He drinks wine on

00:24:53.480 --> 00:24:55.140
the treadmill. It's my favorite thing in the

00:24:55.140 --> 00:24:57.539
world. Have you ever done it? It's so much fun.

00:24:57.619 --> 00:24:59.259
No one's done it. Oh, it's the fucking best.

00:24:59.279 --> 00:25:01.480
No. Oh, it's the best. I like to get high and

00:25:01.480 --> 00:25:03.539
work out, though. Yeah. Oh, my God. I like to

00:25:03.539 --> 00:25:05.700
get really high, like so high I'm scared of heights.

00:25:05.900 --> 00:25:07.890
High and shoot hoops is fun. High and play pool

00:25:07.890 --> 00:25:10.529
is the best. You know where the ball's going.

00:25:10.670 --> 00:25:13.670
You feel it more. High and poker, I see through

00:25:13.670 --> 00:25:16.319
people. Ooh, that's interesting. Ooh, you see

00:25:16.319 --> 00:25:18.299
the lies. Yeah, I just go right. I just like,

00:25:18.339 --> 00:25:20.160
I know what everybody's holding. It's great.

00:25:20.400 --> 00:25:23.420
Wow. Edibles or smoking? Weed, weed. And then

00:25:23.420 --> 00:25:25.519
every break, you got to run back to your car,

00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:27.539
smoke a bunch, and come back. Get more power.

00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:30.200
Get more power. Yeah. But that's why I was saying

00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:32.119
edibles. Would edibles give you the same result?

00:25:32.359 --> 00:25:34.500
I don't know. It might be too crazy. Sir, it's

00:25:34.500 --> 00:25:37.880
your turn to play. Ooh. I can't handle truth.

00:25:38.240 --> 00:25:41.670
Yeah. Yeah. But getting high and lifting weights,

00:25:41.809 --> 00:25:44.329
man, you just fucking feel like every fiber of

00:25:44.329 --> 00:25:45.650
your muscles. Like when you're doing chin -ups

00:25:45.650 --> 00:25:48.130
when you're high, it's like you feel like you

00:25:48.130 --> 00:25:51.990
feel it all. You feel like all the fibers working

00:25:51.990 --> 00:25:56.589
together. Like stretching when you're high. Stretching

00:25:56.589 --> 00:25:59.410
is good. Everything is pop, pop, pop. So yoga

00:25:59.410 --> 00:26:02.539
would be dope. Yoga is amazing high. I bet yoga

00:26:02.539 --> 00:26:05.099
high would be fucking hot. Yoga is amazing high.

00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:08.799
Yeah, well, in India, a lot of the yogis, they

00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:12.960
smoke chillums. They do hashish, and they do

00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:16.539
yoga. How about hot box yoga? And just fill that

00:26:16.539 --> 00:26:18.859
room up with weed smoke. Yeah, like one of them

00:26:18.859 --> 00:26:20.940
smoke machines? Yeah, just keep pumping it in.

00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:24.119
Dude, I know a guy with a hot yoga studio in

00:26:24.119 --> 00:26:26.920
his office. Yeah. Me. That's what I was going

00:26:26.920 --> 00:26:30.740
to say. Let's do it. The guy. It's right here.

00:26:30.900 --> 00:26:33.119
Wait, you crank up the heat in there? No, I have

00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:36.140
a hot yoga studio in one of my – you didn't see

00:26:36.140 --> 00:26:39.140
it? I didn't show it to you? I don't remember.

00:26:39.180 --> 00:26:42.000
It's in the South Wing. It's wild. Yeah, I have

00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:44.140
a hot yoga room. So you can turn it up to whatever.

00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:45.720
Yeah, it's bigger than this room, and it has

00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:48.720
its own heating system. And so it's completely

00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:50.359
isolated from the rest of the gym. So you can

00:26:50.359 --> 00:26:52.400
crank it up to 105, whatever the fuck you want.

00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:54.400
You want to get crazy, you can go 130. Fuck.

00:26:55.650 --> 00:26:58.329
I know a lot of guys who do. There's a company

00:26:58.329 --> 00:27:00.549
that makes an infrared sauna that's designed

00:27:00.549 --> 00:27:02.849
specifically for working out in. It has like

00:27:02.849 --> 00:27:05.009
chin -up bars and shit. See what you'll find

00:27:05.009 --> 00:27:06.990
with that is. It's a different kind of sauna

00:27:06.990 --> 00:27:09.769
than I use. I use like the traditional rock sauna,

00:27:09.950 --> 00:27:13.029
like the hot rocks. How hot do you go? I do 185.

00:27:15.130 --> 00:27:17.450
Infrared's a little more sustainable, meaning

00:27:17.450 --> 00:27:19.410
I had an infrared one for a while. I have the

00:27:19.410 --> 00:27:21.930
hot rock one. I love the hot rock one. But infrared,

00:27:22.529 --> 00:27:24.269
you can go in and actually sit in there for 35

00:27:24.269 --> 00:27:25.670
minutes and you build. Yeah, but see, that's

00:27:25.670 --> 00:27:28.210
the problem. The problem is, like, the reason

00:27:28.210 --> 00:27:30.650
why it's uncomfortable when you're going really

00:27:30.650 --> 00:27:33.000
hot. is like that's what you need because that's

00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:34.559
how your body builds the heat shock proteins.

00:27:34.740 --> 00:27:36.799
There's not the same kind of studies that are

00:27:36.799 --> 00:27:40.160
done on infrared saunas. Like the 20 -year Finland

00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:42.619
study, there's a Finland study that showed a

00:27:42.619 --> 00:27:45.960
40 % decrease in all -cause mortality for people

00:27:45.960 --> 00:27:48.700
who use the sauna four times a week, 20 minutes

00:27:48.700 --> 00:27:51.319
at a time, and I think it's 170, 175 degrees.

00:27:51.579 --> 00:27:54.779
But they showed a 40 % decrease in strokes, heart

00:27:54.779 --> 00:27:57.240
attacks, like everything, cancer. Well, it's

00:27:57.240 --> 00:27:59.859
non -impact cardiovascular, correct? It is. I'm

00:27:59.859 --> 00:28:02.119
parroting. you, I think. You're sitting there

00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:04.339
and your heart is... I wore the heart strap the

00:28:04.339 --> 00:28:06.640
other day. I wore it too. An hour at the Schwitz.

00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:11.599
134, 135, so you're at a slow, steady heart because

00:28:11.599 --> 00:28:14.799
I'm hot as balls in there. 400 calories I got.

00:28:14.900 --> 00:28:17.839
What's it called? What's the company called?

00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:21.579
I don't know. Lux sauna. Wait, is that speed

00:28:21.579 --> 00:28:24.039
bags in a sauna? Yeah, yeah. Speed bags in a

00:28:24.039 --> 00:28:26.259
sauna. They have chin -up bars. There's certain

00:28:26.259 --> 00:28:28.559
saunas that I know a bunch of MMA fighters are

00:28:28.559 --> 00:28:31.339
using them. But the thing is, this is definitely

00:28:31.339 --> 00:28:34.720
better than no sauna. But the thing about the

00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:37.079
hot sauna, this is what Laird Hamilton told me.

00:28:38.019 --> 00:28:40.259
Laird Hamilton does it with oven mitts. Well,

00:28:40.299 --> 00:28:42.960
he gets on an airdyne bike. But he does it in

00:28:42.960 --> 00:28:45.599
a regular dry sauna. So what's wrong with the

00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:48.140
infrared? Nothing. No, it's great for you. Infrared's

00:28:48.140 --> 00:28:50.180
meant to increase your core body temperature

00:28:50.180 --> 00:28:54.339
before your skin. on sauna and longevity and

00:28:54.339 --> 00:28:57.319
health that came out of Finland where these really

00:28:57.319 --> 00:28:59.920
amazing studies that I was just citing. And that's

00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:02.380
with a regular sauna. And the thing about the

00:29:02.380 --> 00:29:04.319
regular sauna is it's more uncomfortable. But

00:29:04.319 --> 00:29:06.200
the more uncomfortable one is the one that jacks

00:29:06.200 --> 00:29:08.180
your heart rate up and it also makes your body

00:29:08.180 --> 00:29:10.460
work harder and that's what produces the heat

00:29:10.460 --> 00:29:12.140
shock proteins. At least that's what I've been

00:29:12.140 --> 00:29:14.619
told. And this is talking to Dr. Rhonda Patrick

00:29:14.619 --> 00:29:18.140
and Laird Hamilton and Andrew Huberman and all

00:29:18.140 --> 00:29:20.319
these scientists where they're talking about

00:29:20.319 --> 00:29:22.450
the specific... things that happen in your body

00:29:22.450 --> 00:29:25.009
your body produces cytokines it produces these

00:29:25.009 --> 00:29:28.049
anti -inflammatory heat shock proteins that are

00:29:28.049 --> 00:29:30.549
just fucking phenomenal for everything i dude

00:29:30.549 --> 00:29:33.349
i crave it so bad when i'm on the road and i

00:29:33.349 --> 00:29:35.089
come home sometimes i'll get home at night and

00:29:35.089 --> 00:29:36.730
everyone's asleep i'll just fire up the fucking

00:29:36.730 --> 00:29:39.150
sauna it's so great yeah that's the dream have

00:29:39.150 --> 00:29:40.970
you ever my dad has one in his basement and it's

00:29:40.970 --> 00:29:43.250
just like it's they all go to sleep it's the

00:29:43.250 --> 00:29:45.230
best thing to have right now it makes you feel

00:29:45.230 --> 00:29:48.109
so relaxed when you're done and with the combination

00:29:48.109 --> 00:29:50.619
of that and the cold plunge dude so When I get

00:29:50.619 --> 00:29:52.740
home, I get in the sauna. I got a Salus sauna,

00:29:52.960 --> 00:29:55.559
and then I got that Morosco Forge at home. And

00:29:55.559 --> 00:29:57.900
we have the Blue Cube here, which is pretty dope,

00:29:57.960 --> 00:30:00.900
too. The Blue Cube cold plunge, the water circulates.

00:30:00.940 --> 00:30:02.880
So it's like you're in a fucking river. It's

00:30:02.880 --> 00:30:06.099
like you never get a thermal layer around your

00:30:06.099 --> 00:30:08.160
skin, so you're never comfortable. When you get

00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:09.759
out of that fucking thing after three minutes,

00:30:09.859 --> 00:30:12.559
you're like, ah. Yeah, the relaxation. The weight

00:30:12.559 --> 00:30:14.759
of the world is gone. Did you ever see the video

00:30:14.759 --> 00:30:17.900
I did where I had my whoop on, and I did my heart

00:30:17.900 --> 00:30:20.660
rate in the sauna? And then I went right into

00:30:20.660 --> 00:30:23.519
the polar plunge, and it went from 145 to 65

00:30:23.519 --> 00:30:26.619
in like three minutes. Wow. See if you can find

00:30:26.619 --> 00:30:30.339
it. It's sped up so you can see it. But my whoop,

00:30:30.339 --> 00:30:35.859
my fucking. I can't tell if I slept good unless

00:30:35.859 --> 00:30:37.319
I look at my fucking recovery next morning. What

00:30:37.319 --> 00:30:40.579
is that strap? It's a fancy strap. What is it,

00:30:40.619 --> 00:30:44.660
like a tie -dye? No, it's camo. Camo. Have you

00:30:44.660 --> 00:30:48.039
noticed? Do you have different recovery since

00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:50.660
you stopped drinking? Oh, well, my recovery on

00:30:50.660 --> 00:30:52.460
tequila is better than my recovery without alcohol.

00:30:53.400 --> 00:30:59.140
That's insane. So 141, right? 140. And then I

00:30:59.140 --> 00:31:01.039
just get in the sauna. Who did this video for

00:31:01.039 --> 00:31:02.940
you? I did. How do they do that? You can do it

00:31:02.940 --> 00:31:05.740
on Whoop. They have a video thing. Oh, nice.

00:31:05.799 --> 00:31:07.140
Where you can record yourself. I do it every

00:31:07.140 --> 00:31:09.380
time I go in the sauna. I record my heart rate

00:31:09.380 --> 00:31:12.200
dropping. And so you go right in and look at...

00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:14.299
I got to keep my hand out so my Whoop monitors

00:31:14.299 --> 00:31:16.680
it. Is this next to your old place? That's my

00:31:16.680 --> 00:31:19.599
new house. If you put your hand under, the Whoop

00:31:19.599 --> 00:31:22.359
won't monitor it? No. Wow, that's quick. Oh,

00:31:22.359 --> 00:31:23.279
yeah, you got to take out a shower. It's dropping

00:31:23.279 --> 00:31:25.819
your heart now. In two minutes, I'm already in

00:31:25.819 --> 00:31:29.069
the 70s. Wow. That's wild. Isn't that crazy?

00:31:29.529 --> 00:31:32.190
It's just 66 in three minutes. That's incredible.

00:31:32.490 --> 00:31:34.809
And then back up a little. Yeah. What temperature

00:31:34.809 --> 00:31:36.250
do you keep your cold plunger? The dick looks

00:31:36.250 --> 00:31:38.349
so small on that. Yeah, dick does not look the

00:31:38.349 --> 00:31:39.890
same size. Can we back that up and see the dick?

00:31:39.910 --> 00:31:44.329
Can we zoom in? I love that cold plunge. Yeah,

00:31:44.369 --> 00:31:46.569
cold plunges are the best. They're just not priced

00:31:46.569 --> 00:31:48.559
right. In my opinion. What do you mean? Priced

00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:50.299
right? Cost too much? For the average person

00:31:50.299 --> 00:31:51.880
listening, they're going, oh, I should get one.

00:31:51.940 --> 00:31:52.980
And then you go and you're like, oh, it's $12

00:31:52.980 --> 00:31:55.700
,000. Yeah, it should be like $800. Some of them

00:31:55.700 --> 00:31:57.539
are more. The really good ones are even more.

00:31:57.779 --> 00:31:59.700
Are they really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one

00:31:59.700 --> 00:32:02.339
sent to me by Cold Plunge, I think the name of

00:32:02.339 --> 00:32:04.900
the company. Yeah. It's great. They're expensive.

00:32:05.000 --> 00:32:07.740
But you can always just get water and ice. You

00:32:07.740 --> 00:32:09.920
know, you just fill a tub up with cold water

00:32:09.920 --> 00:32:11.799
and go to the fucking, you know. The old football

00:32:11.799 --> 00:32:13.640
ones? It's just a metal tin. Gets pricey. Gets

00:32:13.640 --> 00:32:16.299
pricey. Does it? Ice? That's how I used to do

00:32:16.299 --> 00:32:18.259
it, was with a bathtub. And how we do it on the

00:32:18.259 --> 00:32:20.339
road, we travel with a bathtub. You can get ice

00:32:20.339 --> 00:32:22.480
out of venues cheap, but no one's performing

00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:26.839
in fucking venues that have ice. It's about $300

00:32:26.839 --> 00:32:30.380
for... Oh, fuck. I used to go to North Hollywood

00:32:30.380 --> 00:32:34.000
Ice. It's $300 for... 300 pounds ice and you

00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:36.759
need definitely like a hundred pounds ice to

00:32:36.759 --> 00:32:41.220
be able to do a cold plunge So then you think

00:32:41.220 --> 00:32:43.460
about if you use it for a year you're really

00:32:43.460 --> 00:32:45.339
better off getting a real cold That's that's

00:32:45.339 --> 00:32:47.119
why they're priced the way they are and well

00:32:47.119 --> 00:32:49.660
It's complicated the morosco like develops actual

00:32:49.660 --> 00:32:52.380
ice like I climb in it, and I'm pushing ice away

00:32:52.380 --> 00:32:56.140
to get it, but you do 34 degrees 34 you're fucking

00:32:56.140 --> 00:32:59.539
out of here. I'm 42 Yeah, I do 42 is very doable

00:32:59.539 --> 00:33:02.940
for I do four minutes And do some box breathing

00:33:02.940 --> 00:33:04.539
in there. I don't think he knows the difference

00:33:04.539 --> 00:33:06.960
between 40 and 30. Really? It's just cold as

00:33:06.960 --> 00:33:08.920
fuck. I noticed the difference because I got

00:33:08.920 --> 00:33:11.440
mine. I can tell the difference in the 30s. Yeah.

00:33:11.539 --> 00:33:14.900
I got mine at 50. I started at 50 just to see

00:33:14.900 --> 00:33:16.099
what it was. And I was like, oh, this is cold.

00:33:16.160 --> 00:33:17.900
I mean, if you're going from nothing to 50, you're

00:33:17.900 --> 00:33:19.579
like, it's cold as fuck to get into 50 degrees.

00:33:19.799 --> 00:33:22.619
Yeah. And then I started lowering it. And I felt

00:33:22.619 --> 00:33:26.680
like within days I could notice the difference

00:33:26.680 --> 00:33:30.039
going to like 46 felt. So much colder than 50.

00:33:30.200 --> 00:33:31.819
Yeah. You know, it was only four degrees. My

00:33:31.819 --> 00:33:33.500
daughter's friends were over the house. Yeah.

00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:35.460
And I told them I'd give them $1 ,000 if they

00:33:35.460 --> 00:33:38.019
could do a minute in it. Yeah. I gave three kids

00:33:38.019 --> 00:33:41.960
$1 ,000. Really? 12 -year -olds. Yeah. And the

00:33:41.960 --> 00:33:43.680
parents were like, what the fuck? I'm like, they

00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:45.859
earned it. They earned it. I just wanted to show

00:33:45.859 --> 00:33:48.539
them they could do it. And were they fucking

00:33:48.539 --> 00:33:50.420
losing their minds or they were pretty confused?

00:33:51.019 --> 00:33:55.319
And they got out. What? And they're fucking flexing.

00:33:56.000 --> 00:33:58.759
Slay. It's hilarious. Dude, I met a guy at the

00:33:58.759 --> 00:34:00.720
Schwitz who's a fan of yours. It was fun. That's

00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:04.619
great. It was fun. I took $300 in a plastic bag

00:34:04.619 --> 00:34:06.579
and put a rock in it at a party, and I threw

00:34:06.579 --> 00:34:09.420
it in the pool. And I go, who was it? One of

00:34:09.420 --> 00:34:11.400
Georgia's friends fully clothed dives in the

00:34:11.400 --> 00:34:14.940
pool. Why not? Yeah, why not? It's fucking awesome.

00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:17.039
But these kids were so pumped. And their parents

00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:19.119
were like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah. It's

00:34:19.119 --> 00:34:23.510
a hard thing to do. Sure. And I'm showing. them

00:34:23.510 --> 00:34:26.250
if you can do this very difficult thing a minute

00:34:26.250 --> 00:34:28.110
in a cold plunge when you're fucking it's very

00:34:28.110 --> 00:34:30.789
hard 30 seconds is like enough 90 pounds and

00:34:30.789 --> 00:34:34.690
you're 12 years old Were their parents like,

00:34:34.769 --> 00:34:36.530
hey, Joe, can I get a grand if I spend a fucking

00:34:36.530 --> 00:34:38.250
million? Probably were, but they probably didn't

00:34:38.250 --> 00:34:40.409
want to say it. You know, that's the story that

00:34:40.409 --> 00:34:42.389
will last longest with you in your life is those

00:34:42.389 --> 00:34:45.469
kids will never fucking forget that. Oh, yeah.

00:34:45.550 --> 00:34:46.969
Yeah. And they're just thinking about all the

00:34:46.969 --> 00:34:49.210
things. I gave them $100 bills, too. Crisp hundreds.

00:34:49.869 --> 00:34:52.849
Yeah. Yeah. God, I love that. I love that energy.

00:34:53.110 --> 00:34:55.210
Yeah. I used to do Chinese New Year's. We do

00:34:55.210 --> 00:34:56.949
a big Chinese New Year's. We're friends with

00:34:56.949 --> 00:34:59.460
Chinese. Everyone dresses in red, and I get,

00:34:59.559 --> 00:35:01.639
like, whatever the year is, I get that all in

00:35:01.639 --> 00:35:04.579
crisp ones. And then I make kids gamble for it,

00:35:04.579 --> 00:35:07.320
and I make them do shit. It's very Chinese. Very

00:35:07.320 --> 00:35:10.500
Chinese. Very Chinese. We play a game called

00:35:10.500 --> 00:35:12.980
spoons, where, you know, you put five spoons

00:35:12.980 --> 00:35:14.780
on the table, six kids are playing, and you pass

00:35:14.780 --> 00:35:18.329
cards, go around. And anytime anyone gets four

00:35:18.329 --> 00:35:20.869
of a kind, everyone reaches for a spoon and they

00:35:20.869 --> 00:35:22.510
fight for it. And I'll put a hundred bucks. I

00:35:22.510 --> 00:35:23.889
go, all right, game of spoons, a hundred bucks.

00:35:24.110 --> 00:35:25.809
And you just watch kids. A hundred bucks to a

00:35:25.809 --> 00:35:28.849
kid is a lot. That's the fucking best. Oliver

00:35:28.849 --> 00:35:30.960
Stone thought I was a fucking lunatic. Why did

00:35:30.960 --> 00:35:32.420
Oliver Stone think you were a lunatic? Did you

00:35:32.420 --> 00:35:34.840
just name drop Oliver Stone? He was there. Tom

00:35:34.840 --> 00:35:36.739
knows it. He was there and I was pretty drunk

00:35:36.739 --> 00:35:39.420
and I was fucking shirtless making kids fight.

00:35:39.420 --> 00:35:41.599
He was like, I'm such a big fan. I love the Godfather.

00:35:41.679 --> 00:35:42.940
And Stone was like, what the fuck are you talking

00:35:42.940 --> 00:35:48.340
about? I love the Godfather. Hammered. I love

00:35:48.340 --> 00:35:53.159
the Godfather. Didn't you fight in Vietnam? He

00:35:53.159 --> 00:35:57.900
was so, he so did not feel my energy. I was like.

00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:01.960
He's a weed smoker. Oliver Stone. I smoked weed

00:36:01.960 --> 00:36:04.440
with Oliver Stone. That was awesome. We smoked

00:36:04.440 --> 00:36:07.860
weed and talked about JFK. That is your dream

00:36:07.860 --> 00:36:11.400
conversation. The only thing that could be better

00:36:11.400 --> 00:36:14.340
is he knows a lot about the pyramids. It was

00:36:14.340 --> 00:36:17.539
amazing. It's because he's talking about the

00:36:17.539 --> 00:36:20.119
events that led up to the JFK assassination and

00:36:20.119 --> 00:36:22.579
all the cover -up and everything after the fact,

00:36:22.739 --> 00:36:26.820
and he's citing it from memory. I mean, in depth.

00:36:28.460 --> 00:36:30.659
details of the Kennedy assassination, just right

00:36:30.659 --> 00:36:32.699
from memory. And this is like around the time

00:36:32.699 --> 00:36:35.480
that the Showtime documentary on the, I don't

00:36:35.480 --> 00:36:36.780
know if you've ever seen it. She's got a Showtime

00:36:36.780 --> 00:36:40.239
series. I did see JFK. I saw his series where

00:36:40.239 --> 00:36:43.659
he went to Russia. Oh yeah, with Putin? Yeah,

00:36:43.760 --> 00:36:45.760
yeah. He went to Russia with Putin and they watched

00:36:45.760 --> 00:36:48.480
Dr. Strangelove. Yeah, that's right. They watched

00:36:48.480 --> 00:36:51.780
that Kubrick film. Yes. Amazing. Amazing, yeah.

00:36:51.880 --> 00:36:54.340
And they talked about, you know, all of kind

00:36:54.340 --> 00:36:58.079
of... Putin policies. With Putin? Yeah, with

00:36:58.079 --> 00:37:00.380
him. He said that Putin was being treated for

00:37:00.380 --> 00:37:03.280
cancer back then. Really? I bet they got a new

00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:05.340
treatment that no one knows about. They definitely

00:37:05.340 --> 00:37:06.980
have new treatments. There was a treatment that

00:37:06.980 --> 00:37:09.659
was just in the news the other day. What was

00:37:09.659 --> 00:37:12.679
it? It's like a version of the herpes virus.

00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:16.599
Google this. It's like a mild version of the

00:37:16.599 --> 00:37:19.619
herpes virus that they gave someone. They injected

00:37:19.619 --> 00:37:22.059
it into them, and it killed their cancer. Shut

00:37:22.059 --> 00:37:24.460
up. Yeah. That's something I'd love to discover.

00:37:24.519 --> 00:37:26.219
You're on the slide. You're like, you know, no

00:37:26.219 --> 00:37:29.940
one that has herpes has ever gotten cancer. Joe

00:37:29.940 --> 00:37:32.400
List doesn't have cancer. Yeah. Interesting.

00:37:36.059 --> 00:37:38.619
Yeah, Jamie, there it is. A man's cancer vanished

00:37:38.619 --> 00:37:40.679
after he was injected with a weakened herpes

00:37:40.679 --> 00:37:43.880
virus in promising clinical trial. Imagine that.

00:37:43.880 --> 00:37:46.340
Like guys with herpes would just be lining up

00:37:46.340 --> 00:37:48.159
to bang chicks with breast cancer. I can live.

00:37:48.199 --> 00:37:50.699
but I can only fuck sluts. How great would it

00:37:50.699 --> 00:37:53.199
be to have to go catch herpes to cure your cancer?

00:37:53.199 --> 00:37:54.480
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Imagine if you're

00:37:54.480 --> 00:37:56.239
a woman and you have ovarian cancer and they're

00:37:56.239 --> 00:37:59.300
like, I got good news and bad news. The bad news

00:37:59.300 --> 00:38:01.179
is you got ovarian cancer. The good news is my

00:38:01.179 --> 00:38:03.920
cousin has herpes and he's willing to cure you.

00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:08.599
The only way, but you got to get it all the way

00:38:08.599 --> 00:38:10.539
up in there so he's got to shoot a live one down

00:38:10.539 --> 00:38:11.559
the hatch. He's going to have to be there a few

00:38:11.559 --> 00:38:13.380
times. So we're going to have to plan it with

00:38:13.380 --> 00:38:15.760
your ovulation to make sure that you're not getting

00:38:15.760 --> 00:38:19.019
his pregnant, his baby. That was pretty wild,

00:38:19.079 --> 00:38:21.440
though. That's incredible. Yeah. But that's one

00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.280
of the cool things is like, you know, they find

00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:25.440
things out sometimes accidentally. You always

00:38:25.440 --> 00:38:28.679
wonder, too, what the. like the most powerful

00:38:28.679 --> 00:38:31.039
people have access to. Yeah. You know, they always

00:38:31.039 --> 00:38:32.840
go like this. Yeah. But then like something will

00:38:32.840 --> 00:38:35.199
happen like Paul Allen, you know, the Microsoft

00:38:35.199 --> 00:38:38.019
co -founder? Yeah. Like he died. Well, he was

00:38:38.019 --> 00:38:40.900
like really unhealthy and didn't exercise at

00:38:40.900 --> 00:38:43.940
all. At all. But he just got, I think, non -Hodgkin's

00:38:43.940 --> 00:38:47.019
lymphoma or some cancer and then he just declined

00:38:47.019 --> 00:38:49.619
and died. He was very obese. Yeah. And he also,

00:38:49.659 --> 00:38:51.219
just because you're wealthy doesn't mean you

00:38:51.219 --> 00:38:55.019
get after it. Like try to chase down what's wrong.

00:38:55.159 --> 00:38:56.260
Right, right. Because the other people in your

00:38:56.260 --> 00:38:57.920
life, Like, if this motherfucker dies, I'll get

00:38:57.920 --> 00:39:02.019
paid. Yeah. Also, you would just accept it. Yeah.

00:39:02.039 --> 00:39:05.460
Other level paid. Billions of dollars. You probably

00:39:05.460 --> 00:39:07.320
wouldn't be really encouraging him to go to the

00:39:07.320 --> 00:39:09.940
oncologist. Like, you look good. Like, I look

00:39:09.940 --> 00:39:11.659
like great cardboard. These doctors don't know

00:39:11.659 --> 00:39:12.400
what they're talking about. You need a rest,

00:39:12.500 --> 00:39:15.360
man. I made that up. It's all for profit. All

00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:17.059
you need to do is just breathe. Eat an apple.

00:39:17.099 --> 00:39:18.340
You're fine. Yeah, you're going to be good. Have

00:39:18.340 --> 00:39:21.269
some greens. I think his sister. Like somebody

00:39:21.269 --> 00:39:24.829
who has no, like nothing to do with anything.

00:39:24.909 --> 00:39:27.869
He just like took over his estate. Oh, man. Like

00:39:27.869 --> 00:39:29.969
just happens to be his sister. Happens to be

00:39:29.969 --> 00:39:32.710
his sister. Now she's balling. That's got to

00:39:32.710 --> 00:39:35.349
be wild. Yeah. You didn't do anything to earn

00:39:35.349 --> 00:39:36.530
it. And then all of a sudden you have billions.

00:39:36.769 --> 00:39:38.309
That was that great Bill Burbitt about Tiger

00:39:38.309 --> 00:39:39.750
Woods' ex -wife. He's like, you didn't stand

00:39:39.750 --> 00:39:41.389
over an eight foot putt with a fucking green

00:39:41.389 --> 00:39:43.750
jacket on the line. Having the yips, having to

00:39:43.750 --> 00:39:45.710
fucking do it. You got half a billion? Yeah.

00:39:46.449 --> 00:39:48.789
Yeah, and then he had a bit about Kobe Bryant

00:39:48.789 --> 00:39:51.349
too, the same kind of bit. I made that joke last

00:39:51.349 --> 00:39:54.480
night on stage. What? About when I was talking

00:39:54.480 --> 00:39:56.679
about that age -appropriate lady. Oh, yeah? I

00:39:56.679 --> 00:39:57.840
said, those are the eyes you want to look in

00:39:57.840 --> 00:39:59.500
when you die. Eyes that are your age. You don't

00:39:59.500 --> 00:40:01.639
want to look at some 21 -year -old girl on your

00:40:01.639 --> 00:40:03.460
deathbed. She's like, hurry up, I have yoga class.

00:40:03.500 --> 00:40:06.860
Licking her lips. Yeah, ooh. She's got the rolled

00:40:06.860 --> 00:40:08.559
-up mat under her armpit while you're dying.

00:40:08.659 --> 00:40:11.000
On your deathbed, you want to see someone. Bleak.

00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:18.199
Bleak. She's on her phone. She's got her tights.

00:40:18.280 --> 00:40:21.320
Swiping. Yeah, yeah. Her fucking hot yoga instructor

00:40:21.320 --> 00:40:25.199
is ready to comfort her. Yeah, get me on some

00:40:25.199 --> 00:40:28.079
anti -aging shit. I don't want to die. Let's

00:40:28.079 --> 00:40:30.500
talk about Dana White. You've got to stop drinking.

00:40:32.199 --> 00:40:35.300
We'll get to Dana White. But this is why... We

00:40:35.300 --> 00:40:37.500
should tell him what Andrew Huberman told him.

00:40:37.920 --> 00:40:40.960
What did Andrew Huberman do? We were on the phone

00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:43.559
with him during a podcast and he had just...

00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:46.380
Posted that week about you know, he killed he'll

00:40:46.380 --> 00:40:48.659
have like topics and themes for his podcast,

00:40:48.880 --> 00:40:51.559
right? Yeah, and it was just all about alcohol

00:40:51.559 --> 00:40:55.019
and he was basically like There is just clear

00:40:55.019 --> 00:41:00.179
data that is undeniable that alcohol has negative

00:41:00.179 --> 00:41:04.039
effects on you and it is undeniable and here's

00:41:04.039 --> 00:41:06.300
all the data you know breaking down how it affects

00:41:06.300 --> 00:41:08.920
the brain and the organs of the system and then

00:41:08.920 --> 00:41:11.659
he's like well i mean like what can you know

00:41:11.659 --> 00:41:15.139
can i drink and and andrew's like well yes studies

00:41:15.139 --> 00:41:19.119
show that if you want to have One to two drinks.

00:41:19.239 --> 00:41:25.219
And he goes, a week. A week? Well, that's what

00:41:25.219 --> 00:41:28.699
Andrew's saying. That would be fine. There was

00:41:28.699 --> 00:41:34.380
actually a study recently that linked decline

00:41:34.380 --> 00:41:37.420
in cognitive function to abstinence from alcohol.

00:41:38.179 --> 00:41:39.940
Decline? Yeah, abstinence from alcohol. Yeah,

00:41:40.019 --> 00:41:42.559
dementia, decline from alcohol is correlated

00:41:42.559 --> 00:41:44.679
with abstinence from alcohol. See if you can

00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:46.659
find that, Jamie. Correlated. Yeah, no, they

00:41:46.659 --> 00:41:51.280
think that people who don't drink alcohol, I

00:41:51.280 --> 00:41:53.480
don't know if correlation doesn't equal causation,

00:41:53.500 --> 00:41:55.500
right? But there's some sort of a connection.

00:41:55.860 --> 00:41:58.159
I think it's a relaxation thing. And I was talking

00:41:58.159 --> 00:42:00.679
about this with my dad last night, my stepdad.

00:42:01.519 --> 00:42:03.500
He's actually my dad. I should call him my dad.

00:42:04.119 --> 00:42:07.199
We were talking about... He has a lot of past

00:42:07.199 --> 00:42:08.860
going into that statement. He's a great guy.

00:42:08.940 --> 00:42:12.860
I love him. But we were talking about it. He

00:42:12.860 --> 00:42:15.440
has always been a guy, after work, works hard,

00:42:15.659 --> 00:42:20.179
has a drink. Maybe two. Just relaxes. And I was

00:42:20.179 --> 00:42:21.980
like, I think there's something to be said for

00:42:21.980 --> 00:42:23.920
that. I think there's something to be said for

00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:26.280
just the way it makes you feel. Increased risk

00:42:26.280 --> 00:42:28.360
for all -cause dementia in people who abstain

00:42:28.360 --> 00:42:30.619
from alcohol. A recent addiction journal paper

00:42:30.619 --> 00:42:33.119
researchers performed an in -depth analysis of

00:42:33.119 --> 00:42:35.699
the alcohol -dementia relationship and determined

00:42:35.699 --> 00:42:37.599
whether certain levels of alcohol consumption

00:42:37.599 --> 00:42:40.659
increases the risk of dementia. And so they found

00:42:40.659 --> 00:42:44.900
out that there's an increase in dementia. Dementia

00:42:44.900 --> 00:42:47.599
generally affects the elderly and geriatric patients,

00:42:47.760 --> 00:42:50.159
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Global presence

00:42:50.159 --> 00:42:52.460
of dementia. What does it say here? excessive

00:42:52.460 --> 00:42:55.940
alcohol consumption in midlife, Bert, can cause

00:42:55.940 --> 00:42:58.440
significant neurotoxic effects on the brain as

00:42:58.440 --> 00:43:00.260
compared to other risk factors such as high blood

00:43:00.260 --> 00:43:05.369
pressure and diabetes. Despite these different

00:43:05.369 --> 00:43:08.070
reports, views of population -based observational

00:43:08.070 --> 00:43:09.889
studies indicate that alcohol -dementia relationship

00:43:09.889 --> 00:43:13.190
is J -shaped. More specifically, low levels of

00:43:13.190 --> 00:43:22.510
alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing

00:43:22.510 --> 00:43:24.969
the risk of dementia, whereas excessive alcohol

00:43:24.969 --> 00:43:28.030
consumption, BERT, likely increases the risk

00:43:28.030 --> 00:43:31.519
of dementia in a dose -dependent manner. Something

00:43:31.519 --> 00:43:34.300
about, like, you get home, fucking hard day at

00:43:34.300 --> 00:43:37.050
the office, have a cocktail, you're like... That's

00:43:37.050 --> 00:43:40.409
how I do it. I think relaxation is so goddamn

00:43:40.409 --> 00:43:42.670
important. That's my brand. Massage therapy.

00:43:42.889 --> 00:43:45.130
Yes. It's fucking so good. Just enjoying life,

00:43:45.230 --> 00:43:46.869
man. You remember I texted you when I was in

00:43:46.869 --> 00:43:49.070
Italy on vacation? Yes, I do. I've never seen

00:43:49.070 --> 00:43:51.550
you happier in your life. I was drunk. I was

00:43:51.550 --> 00:43:55.230
eating pasta. I felt so good. I felt so good.

00:43:55.789 --> 00:43:59.849
With my family. With my family. Looking at the

00:43:59.849 --> 00:44:03.409
ocean. Ah. Yeah, it was rad. What the fuck is

00:44:03.409 --> 00:44:06.239
it about the ocean? It's so different. It's so

00:44:06.239 --> 00:44:08.780
relaxing. We spent the summer at the ocean, and

00:44:08.780 --> 00:44:11.019
here we live on a lake. There's no comparison.

00:44:11.260 --> 00:44:14.039
Lakes are rad. Lakes are nice, but ocean is the

00:44:14.039 --> 00:44:16.099
motherfucker. It is a totally different thing.

00:44:16.219 --> 00:44:18.400
I got a house once for three months when I was

00:44:18.400 --> 00:44:20.900
in Malibu. Yeah. We were getting our kitchen

00:44:20.900 --> 00:44:22.760
remodeled, and I said, let's just rent a house.

00:44:22.820 --> 00:44:24.940
We rented a house on the water. It's fucking

00:44:24.940 --> 00:44:27.599
amazing. You're eating breakfast, and the water's

00:44:27.599 --> 00:44:29.300
right there. You just stare out at it. Those

00:44:29.300 --> 00:44:31.679
rich people aren't stupid. There's a reason why

00:44:31.679 --> 00:44:34.280
they're paying fucking $100 million for a house.

00:44:34.320 --> 00:44:37.079
It's like on a quarter of an acre. The ultimate

00:44:37.079 --> 00:44:39.239
was, you know, we'd always talked about surfing

00:44:39.239 --> 00:44:41.739
and I've always wanted to surf. So I set a goal

00:44:41.739 --> 00:44:43.900
for myself. I had two months off, no touring.

00:44:44.199 --> 00:44:45.500
I said, I'm gonna go to Hawaii at the end of

00:44:45.500 --> 00:44:47.000
two months. I'm gonna lose weight, get into the

00:44:47.000 --> 00:44:49.539
240s. And I'm gonna get, because my hardest part

00:44:49.539 --> 00:44:51.860
is standing up on a board when you're fat. So

00:44:51.860 --> 00:44:54.019
I lost the weight, flew my daughter right before

00:44:54.019 --> 00:44:56.519
she went to college, my sister, my cameraman

00:44:56.519 --> 00:44:58.019
and my assistant down. We all went to Hawaii,

00:44:58.139 --> 00:45:00.400
stayed at Turtle Bay, did Jamie O 'Brien's surf

00:45:00.400 --> 00:45:03.159
experience. And I surfed. Like, I surfed fucking

00:45:03.159 --> 00:45:06.659
solid two days. Caught probably 25 waves. And

00:45:06.659 --> 00:45:11.449
there is a genuine, surreal... connection with

00:45:11.449 --> 00:45:13.449
the earth when you're on a board sliding down

00:45:13.449 --> 00:45:16.150
a wave and you're moving over on the wave and

00:45:16.150 --> 00:45:18.570
you're just watching it. It's the coolest fucking

00:45:18.570 --> 00:45:20.690
thing that I've ever done. And then you look

00:45:20.690 --> 00:45:24.050
at these guys like Nathan Florence and Kai Lenny

00:45:24.050 --> 00:45:28.409
and Koa Rothman who they're like fucking savages

00:45:28.409 --> 00:45:31.289
and they're going into jaws, toed in and you're

00:45:31.289 --> 00:45:34.030
just like... That's a different thing though.

00:45:34.230 --> 00:45:37.210
Those guys are adrenaline junkies to the extreme.

00:45:37.789 --> 00:45:40.449
The connection those guys have with the ocean

00:45:40.449 --> 00:45:45.309
is so primal. I mean, you're right. Dude, do

00:45:45.309 --> 00:45:46.690
you know what would happen every day? Because

00:45:46.690 --> 00:45:49.030
we did the same thing. We rented a house in Malibu.

00:45:49.530 --> 00:45:52.849
Because the tide changes every day, right? Yeah.

00:45:53.110 --> 00:45:54.869
And when at low tide, sometimes the low tide

00:45:54.869 --> 00:45:56.949
would be, let's say, at 8 a .m. So you'd look

00:45:56.949 --> 00:46:00.610
out, and the water would be so far out that there

00:46:00.610 --> 00:46:03.199
would be... rocks that you normally don't see,

00:46:03.340 --> 00:46:06.059
right? And you're like, oh, wow, you can walk

00:46:06.059 --> 00:46:09.820
into the ocean because the tide's so low. Dude,

00:46:09.860 --> 00:46:14.800
high tide made me respect and fear the ocean

00:46:14.800 --> 00:46:17.380
so much. Why, what do you mean? Because it would

00:46:17.380 --> 00:46:20.780
come up and hit the house with such violence

00:46:20.780 --> 00:46:24.340
on some days that you would go, if I, an adult...

00:46:24.619 --> 00:46:26.539
Who can swim? We're down here right now. Like

00:46:26.539 --> 00:46:30.340
most likely you would get pulled out and die.

00:46:30.480 --> 00:46:32.360
Yeah, that happens all the time. I know, but

00:46:32.360 --> 00:46:34.199
like when you're living there, when you're living

00:46:34.199 --> 00:46:36.340
there, you're like, holy shit. You're seeing

00:46:36.340 --> 00:46:37.900
it every day. You look down. Well, you know,

00:46:37.900 --> 00:46:40.400
the difference for me was at night. Yeah. During

00:46:40.400 --> 00:46:42.920
the day, the ocean is like this beautiful, inviting,

00:46:43.219 --> 00:46:46.349
wonderful thing. At night, it's dark. And you

00:46:46.349 --> 00:46:48.190
just realize, oh, my God, that's like a fucking

00:46:48.190 --> 00:46:50.250
hundred trillion gallons of water. Like, what

00:46:50.250 --> 00:46:52.630
the fuck is that? The guy who discovered Hawaii.

00:46:52.869 --> 00:46:54.050
Not discovered. Obviously, they're people that

00:46:54.050 --> 00:46:56.429
are first. John Cook. John Cook. Is that his

00:46:56.429 --> 00:46:59.730
name? Captain Cook. They ate him. They ate him?

00:46:59.750 --> 00:47:01.909
They ate him. Really? They didn't eat him. Yeah.

00:47:01.989 --> 00:47:04.429
No, they didn't eat him. I just, when I was in

00:47:04.429 --> 00:47:06.449
Hawaii, I watched. I like that story. They ate

00:47:06.449 --> 00:47:08.349
him. I like Ari's story better. They killed him

00:47:08.349 --> 00:47:10.150
and ate him. Let's go with Ari's story. Well,

00:47:10.170 --> 00:47:13.000
you know what? He couldn't swim. Isn't that crazy?

00:47:13.019 --> 00:47:15.440
He got in a boat and he couldn't swim? He couldn't.

00:47:15.440 --> 00:47:19.599
How long does it take to learn to swim? That's

00:47:19.599 --> 00:47:21.619
how they got him. I think I could learn to swim

00:47:21.619 --> 00:47:27.019
in about 10 minutes. It's not like doing jujitsu.

00:47:27.260 --> 00:47:30.769
It's you fucking do this. I think it's so built

00:47:30.769 --> 00:47:33.130
up in your head that by the time you get in there,

00:47:33.190 --> 00:47:35.289
it's panic. Yeah, but you could laugh. You live

00:47:35.289 --> 00:47:37.289
on a boat. How do you not learn how to swim?

00:47:37.289 --> 00:47:39.070
He never learned how to swim. That's how they

00:47:39.070 --> 00:47:41.369
got him. He went in, and he tried to escape,

00:47:41.409 --> 00:47:43.369
get to the water, and he had to stop at the water.

00:47:43.429 --> 00:47:44.449
He's like, I don't know what to do in there.

00:47:44.630 --> 00:47:47.570
He fucking traveled the world, discovered the

00:47:47.570 --> 00:47:50.170
Sandwich Islands and all of Hawaii. They're called

00:47:50.170 --> 00:47:53.150
the Sandwich Islands? In Italy, they're called

00:47:53.150 --> 00:48:00.050
the Sandwich Islands. What a fucking weird thing

00:48:00.050 --> 00:48:01.809
to not know how to do. I can understand if you

00:48:01.809 --> 00:48:03.630
don't grow up near a pool and you never learn.

00:48:03.690 --> 00:48:05.849
Yeah, yeah. Don't fuck. If you're a boat captain,

00:48:06.090 --> 00:48:09.130
it's ridiculous. There's a lot of comics that

00:48:09.130 --> 00:48:11.110
don't know how to swim. Who? I'm not going to

00:48:11.110 --> 00:48:13.190
say his name. Say his name. No, it's not cool.

00:48:13.269 --> 00:48:16.250
Call them out. Well, just spell it out. S -E

00:48:16.250 --> 00:48:21.000
-B -A. Maniscalco? He doesn't know how to swim?

00:48:21.239 --> 00:48:23.260
Oh, I could teach him. Isn't he embarrassed?

00:48:24.219 --> 00:48:27.139
Aren't you embarrassed? I'm sorry, Sebastian.

00:48:27.659 --> 00:48:30.179
He's a great guy. It's one of my favorite bits.

00:48:30.320 --> 00:48:32.579
I watched him talk about it on stage. About how

00:48:32.579 --> 00:48:35.039
he can't swim? Crying, laughing. He talked about

00:48:35.039 --> 00:48:36.519
it on stage how he can't swim and you won't say

00:48:36.519 --> 00:48:39.019
it. It's his bit. I don't want to fuck with his

00:48:39.019 --> 00:48:41.260
bit. But that's not fucking with his bit. I went

00:48:41.260 --> 00:48:43.280
backstage and I was like, that's fucking hilarious.

00:48:43.519 --> 00:48:48.469
And he's like, eh. And I go, you really can't

00:48:48.469 --> 00:48:51.010
swim? And he goes, no. He goes, no, not everyone

00:48:51.010 --> 00:48:53.269
can swim. He's got a pool. I go, everyone can

00:48:53.269 --> 00:48:55.630
swim. What? He's got a pool. What, does he put

00:48:55.630 --> 00:48:57.750
the floaties in his arm? No, he was taking swimming

00:48:57.750 --> 00:48:59.769
lessons, and it was hilarious to hear a grown

00:48:59.769 --> 00:49:01.690
man. So if he took swimming lessons, now he knows

00:49:01.690 --> 00:49:04.940
how to swim. No. Fuck he failed his lessons.

00:49:05.039 --> 00:49:07.960
I don't know Keep that he keep fishing him out.

00:49:08.000 --> 00:49:10.480
He did it on stage and it's got a crying laughing

00:49:10.480 --> 00:49:14.039
kind of humiliating to be an adult As a kid,

00:49:14.039 --> 00:49:16.099
you know, it's really when you kick it swim better

00:49:16.099 --> 00:49:18.940
than you I had a dog, my Mastiff, he never learned

00:49:18.940 --> 00:49:20.780
how to swim. He just was not interested in swimming.

00:49:21.000 --> 00:49:22.860
I'd pick him up, I'd take him in the water, and

00:49:22.860 --> 00:49:24.539
he'd just swim right back to the stairs. I'm

00:49:24.539 --> 00:49:26.340
like, come on, Johnny, let's go. Let's try, yeah.

00:49:26.360 --> 00:49:29.059
But Marshall, the golden retriever, it's like

00:49:29.059 --> 00:49:32.019
in his DNA. When he was a puppy, when he was

00:49:32.019 --> 00:49:34.139
a puppy, we were in the pool, and he's like,

00:49:34.260 --> 00:49:37.289
fuck yeah! Woo! Some kids take to it quick. My

00:49:37.289 --> 00:49:39.369
oldest took to it real quick. Yeah? Yeah, he

00:49:39.369 --> 00:49:41.469
swims like a fucking lunatic now. I think if

00:49:41.469 --> 00:49:43.090
they just do it early, it's fun. You gotta do

00:49:43.090 --> 00:49:44.409
it early. You gotta get your dog in the pool

00:49:44.409 --> 00:49:47.150
right away. Does Marshall dive down? Oh, yeah.

00:49:47.269 --> 00:49:50.269
Dives underwater? He would. I mean, if the ball's

00:49:50.269 --> 00:49:52.670
underwater, he'll go underwater. That's a water

00:49:52.670 --> 00:49:55.510
dog, though. He's a golden retriever. Mastiffs

00:49:55.510 --> 00:49:59.469
are not our old mastiff, Priscilla. The funniest

00:49:59.469 --> 00:50:02.829
fucking... look on her face one time she fell

00:50:02.829 --> 00:50:05.210
into the pool we didn't know she fell into the

00:50:05.210 --> 00:50:07.269
pool she fell into the pool she got herself out

00:50:07.269 --> 00:50:09.829
of the pool and I saw this look in her face she's

00:50:09.829 --> 00:50:12.010
by the pool and you can see it in her eyes like

00:50:12.010 --> 00:50:14.250
I just witnessed death but I didn't figure it

00:50:14.250 --> 00:50:16.469
out and I was like wait why are you soaking wet

00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:18.360
Why are you sucking wet? She's looking at me

00:50:18.360 --> 00:50:20.739
like, I almost just died. No one's going to fucking

00:50:20.739 --> 00:50:23.440
save me. Oh, my God. The poor dog. Dude, I get

00:50:23.440 --> 00:50:25.780
banded when we just have the look of like, I'm

00:50:25.780 --> 00:50:27.019
going to put her in the pool. Like, she'll be

00:50:27.019 --> 00:50:28.980
fine by the pool. And you look at her. She knows

00:50:28.980 --> 00:50:30.179
the look. She's like, get the fuck away from

00:50:30.179 --> 00:50:32.260
me. And then she just starts running away. She

00:50:32.260 --> 00:50:33.960
knows what we're going to do. Was she a rescue?

00:50:34.460 --> 00:50:37.000
Yeah, but like as a baby. And you just never

00:50:37.000 --> 00:50:38.880
got her into a pool? We tried, and then she just

00:50:38.880 --> 00:50:40.679
wasn't interested. Yeah, you got to make it fun.

00:50:41.019 --> 00:50:43.000
You got to make it fun. But Marshall, I didn't

00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:45.369
have to do anything. It's in his DNA. It's in

00:50:45.369 --> 00:50:48.630
his DNA, which is really wild. He's got webbed

00:50:48.630 --> 00:50:51.289
feet, Joe. Yeah. No, he does. Another thing that's

00:50:51.289 --> 00:50:53.510
really wild is the retriever aspect. I didn't

00:50:53.510 --> 00:50:56.090
teach that dog at all to bring a ball back. He

00:50:56.090 --> 00:50:58.269
just brings it back. The first time I ever threw

00:50:58.269 --> 00:50:59.949
a ball to him, he picks it up and he brings it

00:50:59.949 --> 00:51:03.349
back. Wow. Knew how to fetch. Instantly. He doesn't

00:51:03.349 --> 00:51:05.230
know how to let it go, but he brings it back.

00:51:05.510 --> 00:51:08.829
The other day, I came home, I let him outside,

00:51:09.050 --> 00:51:11.590
and then I left the door open and went to the

00:51:11.590 --> 00:51:14.030
bathroom. I took a leak. I came out of the bathroom,

00:51:14.130 --> 00:51:16.210
and he's got a squirrel in his mouth. No! Yeah,

00:51:16.289 --> 00:51:18.090
I killed a squirrel. And he's just sitting there.

00:51:18.110 --> 00:51:20.289
He caught a squirrel? Instantly. Proud, showing

00:51:20.289 --> 00:51:22.789
it off to you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But he came

00:51:22.789 --> 00:51:25.269
to me to, like, retrieve and bring a squirrel.

00:51:25.349 --> 00:51:28.269
Like, whatever they did to breed those dogs,

00:51:28.489 --> 00:51:30.849
it's encoded in their memory. It's encoded in

00:51:30.849 --> 00:51:34.719
their DNA. It's really wild. And it's also those

00:51:34.719 --> 00:51:38.940
dogs, like Goldens, they are the nicest dogs.

00:51:39.159 --> 00:51:42.300
Oh, I like your dog a lot. He's the best. He's

00:51:42.300 --> 00:51:45.679
such a sweetie to everybody. Everybody who comes

00:51:45.679 --> 00:51:47.460
over to my house, they're like, you're my best

00:51:47.460 --> 00:51:50.579
friend. Like new people that he just meets. He

00:51:50.579 --> 00:51:52.519
starts whining. He picks up a toy. He always

00:51:52.519 --> 00:51:55.199
has to bring a toy to you. He brings something

00:51:55.199 --> 00:51:58.000
because those dogs were rewarded for bringing

00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:00.219
back birds. He'd shoot a bird. They'd grab the

00:52:00.219 --> 00:52:01.760
bird, bring it back to you. They'd retrieve it.

00:52:02.699 --> 00:52:04.659
will bring something to you immediately. It's

00:52:04.659 --> 00:52:05.300
funny when you see what they're... They're very

00:52:05.300 --> 00:52:07.159
gentle males, too. Oh, they're so gentle. What

00:52:07.159 --> 00:52:09.179
they're bred for because we had Brussels Griffons

00:52:09.179 --> 00:52:12.119
and they're bred for being rat chasers. Oh, yeah.

00:52:12.340 --> 00:52:15.320
So when they see... Rodents squirrels and stuff

00:52:15.320 --> 00:52:17.219
you just they'll be like and then they're like

00:52:17.219 --> 00:52:20.219
See them freak the fuck out. Have you ever seen

00:52:20.219 --> 00:52:23.719
that documentary rats on Netflix? No, New York

00:52:23.719 --> 00:52:26.360
Jack Russell Terriers Well, it's about a lot

00:52:26.360 --> 00:52:27.780
of cities and it's also about the countryside

00:52:27.780 --> 00:52:30.679
Jack Russell Terriers were actually designed

00:52:30.679 --> 00:52:34.340
or bred for killing rats They're really aggressive

00:52:34.340 --> 00:52:37.280
with rats and they fucking tear them apart and

00:52:37.280 --> 00:52:40.199
in this documentary They use them to get rats

00:52:40.199 --> 00:52:42.960
and so they let these dogs loose and they find

00:52:42.960 --> 00:52:45.170
rats rats in this countryside tear them apart

00:52:45.170 --> 00:52:47.090
there's a service you can get to go in your if

00:52:47.090 --> 00:52:48.730
you have a backyard in New York where you just

00:52:48.730 --> 00:52:51.469
have these terriers just piss all over your yard

00:52:51.469 --> 00:52:53.849
hunt some rats piss and the rats like that's

00:52:53.849 --> 00:52:56.269
not a safe yard get out of there they're smart

00:52:56.269 --> 00:52:58.449
as shit man in that documentary here they are

00:52:58.449 --> 00:53:00.570
there's those little dogs so these guys are digging

00:53:00.570 --> 00:53:03.849
holes to try to find these rats because like

00:53:03.849 --> 00:53:06.449
there's these rat little you know dens and shit

00:53:06.449 --> 00:53:08.780
and these dogs find them And they're the cutest

00:53:08.780 --> 00:53:11.599
little dogs, man, but not to rats. Oh, nice.

00:53:11.840 --> 00:53:13.820
Murder it. Murder it. Oh, they do? They kill

00:53:13.820 --> 00:53:15.960
it? Oh, they rip it to pieces. Look at this.

00:53:16.340 --> 00:53:18.679
All of them. I mean, it's just fucking wild.

00:53:18.840 --> 00:53:20.619
That's crazy. That little one's like, give me

00:53:20.619 --> 00:53:22.519
some. But meanwhile, these rats have fucking

00:53:22.519 --> 00:53:24.940
diseases, so your dog is swallowing the plague.

00:53:25.679 --> 00:53:27.519
Yeah, right? Not on the countryside, though.

00:53:27.639 --> 00:53:29.800
Yeah, they're not out there. Probably not. Yeah,

00:53:29.880 --> 00:53:31.719
you're right. So what do they get in the plague?

00:53:32.239 --> 00:53:36.630
Oh, the guts. Fuck. What do they get in the diseases

00:53:36.630 --> 00:53:39.949
from? Like our garbage? Our sewers? Good question.

00:53:40.329 --> 00:53:41.530
Where are they getting all their diseases? Well,

00:53:41.530 --> 00:53:43.309
they'll live in. It must be sewage. Yeah. Because

00:53:43.309 --> 00:53:46.570
they live in. They'll run around all the sewage.

00:53:46.570 --> 00:53:49.769
You know about, is it a king rat? Oh, rat. Yeah,

00:53:49.809 --> 00:53:52.849
yeah. Rat king. The tails get tied up. Yeah,

00:53:52.909 --> 00:53:54.849
they get knotted up together somehow. And they

00:53:54.849 --> 00:53:57.409
can't move. And they die. Really? It gets into

00:53:57.409 --> 00:54:00.889
a knot. Yeah, that's it. Look at that. Rat king.

00:54:01.630 --> 00:54:04.170
I thought that was Theo. God damn. It is Theo,

00:54:04.230 --> 00:54:06.849
but that's his nickname. But that's a real thing.

00:54:06.969 --> 00:54:09.250
They get tangled up together and they die. I

00:54:09.250 --> 00:54:11.269
had no idea. I don't understand why they get

00:54:11.269 --> 00:54:14.210
that tangled. You seen Banana Rats? No. No, it's

00:54:14.210 --> 00:54:17.309
a banana rat. I saw that in Cuba. They have an

00:54:17.309 --> 00:54:19.610
infestation of banana rats. What does that mean?

00:54:19.630 --> 00:54:21.230
What is it like? Well, they're enormous. They

00:54:21.230 --> 00:54:24.690
look like dogs. That's right. They would swim

00:54:24.690 --> 00:54:26.369
out to sea and people would rescue them thinking

00:54:26.369 --> 00:54:29.030
they're dogs. You're on the island because we

00:54:29.030 --> 00:54:32.269
were doing Guantanamo Bay. Torturing people.

00:54:32.449 --> 00:54:34.510
What are you doing out there? I did shows. Working

00:54:34.510 --> 00:54:37.869
for Al -Qaeda. Oh, my God. Look at the size of

00:54:37.869 --> 00:54:40.250
that thing. They're everywhere. Holy. That's

00:54:40.250 --> 00:54:44.510
like a copy bar. Yeah, exactly. And they're like,

00:54:44.530 --> 00:54:47.469
look at the size of that thing, dude. They pay

00:54:47.469 --> 00:54:50.070
a dude, a couple people, just to go around at

00:54:50.070 --> 00:54:51.969
night with a .22. And they're like, just shoot

00:54:51.969 --> 00:54:54.110
as many as you can. Because you can't keep them

00:54:54.110 --> 00:54:56.869
down. When Attell had that show, what was the

00:54:56.869 --> 00:55:00.050
show called? Insomniac. Yeah. They hunted nutrias?

00:55:00.070 --> 00:55:02.010
Nutrias. Same idea. In New Orleans, right? Yeah.

00:55:02.010 --> 00:55:06.389
Same idea. Nutria is an invasive species that,

00:55:06.469 --> 00:55:08.599
I forget where it came from, but they. Got over

00:55:08.599 --> 00:55:10.420
in America like on ships or something like that.

00:55:10.539 --> 00:55:12.219
And now they're everywhere. I've never screamed

00:55:12.219 --> 00:55:15.219
higher pitch in my life than when we pulled up

00:55:15.219 --> 00:55:18.239
to do a gig in Guantanamo Bay. And the guy driving

00:55:18.239 --> 00:55:20.619
the van, he's like naval base, you know, pulls

00:55:20.619 --> 00:55:23.320
up and the lights are on. It's night. And he's

00:55:23.320 --> 00:55:24.820
like, oh, there's a banana rat right there. You

00:55:24.820 --> 00:55:26.239
guys want to see it? Like they're not aggressive

00:55:26.239 --> 00:55:28.599
or anything. They're just feeding on the grass.

00:55:28.699 --> 00:55:30.699
And we're like, yeah. So he leaves the lights

00:55:30.699 --> 00:55:34.059
on from the van. And we all start walking closer

00:55:34.059 --> 00:55:37.780
and closer, taking our time step by step. And

00:55:37.780 --> 00:55:39.460
then we're like a few feet away and we kind of

00:55:39.460 --> 00:55:42.719
bend down. And one of the guys takes his fingers

00:55:42.719 --> 00:55:46.739
and goes like this up my back. Like that. I basically,

00:55:46.800 --> 00:55:50.360
I went. I've never screamed higher in my life.

00:55:51.539 --> 00:55:54.619
Terrifying. It scared the shit out of me. They're

00:55:54.619 --> 00:55:57.039
fucking, they look like dogs. Yeah. Nutrients

00:55:57.039 --> 00:56:00.070
are huge. And nutrients, people eat them. Apparently

00:56:00.070 --> 00:56:01.909
they're delicious. That would be fun to have

00:56:01.909 --> 00:56:04.010
in your backyard just with a .22 just at night.

00:56:04.389 --> 00:56:08.570
I shot a rat one time with my BB gun at our old

00:56:08.570 --> 00:56:12.449
house. I didn't feel so good about it. Really?

00:56:12.630 --> 00:56:16.309
I felt really shitty. It was crawling up on the

00:56:16.309 --> 00:56:18.550
wire and I had my BB gun. I was like, I wonder

00:56:18.550 --> 00:56:24.369
if I can get this. How old were you? 40. It doesn't

00:56:24.369 --> 00:56:27.070
feel great to kill an animal. I don't know. Killing

00:56:27.070 --> 00:56:30.179
rats feels good. Yeah, here's Attell's. This

00:56:30.179 --> 00:56:32.780
is Insomniac. These things are fucking giant.

00:56:32.840 --> 00:56:41.519
Look at how young he is. It's the same thing,

00:56:41.599 --> 00:56:48.440
yeah. So they were killing them to try to diminish

00:56:48.440 --> 00:56:52.099
the population, but in a lot of the country,

00:56:52.159 --> 00:56:54.599
people eat them. See if you can find Nutria cooking.

00:56:55.440 --> 00:56:57.360
Because apparently they taste good. See how much

00:56:57.360 --> 00:56:59.340
gas cost back then? They take them. It was probably

00:56:59.340 --> 00:57:02.159
30 cents. Your brain is so fucked up. California

00:57:02.159 --> 00:57:04.579
is so fucked up now with gas. My friend took

00:57:04.579 --> 00:57:07.679
a photo of a pump near San Francisco. We're talking

00:57:07.679 --> 00:57:11.159
about how your dog wants to dive and wants to

00:57:11.159 --> 00:57:14.119
retrieve and Ari's looking at gas prices. He's

00:57:14.119 --> 00:57:17.019
frugal. It's bred into him. It's bred into him.

00:57:17.019 --> 00:57:19.059
It's about breeding. When Ari was doing really

00:57:19.059 --> 00:57:21.260
well, when Ari was, not that you're not doing

00:57:21.260 --> 00:57:24.119
really well now, but when he started doing really

00:57:24.119 --> 00:57:25.769
well and he had a comedy. Central show, and he's

00:57:25.769 --> 00:57:27.309
killing it. I'm like, dude, get a fucking BMW.

00:57:27.889 --> 00:57:30.570
Get yourself a nice 3 Series, just something

00:57:30.570 --> 00:57:32.769
that feels good to drive. It's too expensive.

00:57:32.869 --> 00:57:35.809
Why would I do that? What's the point? It's just

00:57:35.809 --> 00:57:37.670
an extra expense, and then I'm tied to that.

00:57:37.889 --> 00:57:40.530
I went up and down too much. you gotta be you're

00:57:40.530 --> 00:57:42.590
on the borderline of getting getting a day job

00:57:42.590 --> 00:57:44.190
it's like i'm glad i didn't spend that money

00:57:44.190 --> 00:57:46.909
yeah that's ingrained in i think guys me and

00:57:46.909 --> 00:57:49.449
you maybe not tom as much but i've always had

00:57:49.449 --> 00:57:51.909
a problem spending money because i go you say

00:57:51.909 --> 00:57:55.570
that and you just keep buying five houses i don't

00:57:55.570 --> 00:57:58.349
buy them leanne buys them oh leanne buys i don't

00:57:58.349 --> 00:58:00.190
buy i don't fucking buy anything i had a hard

00:58:00.190 --> 00:58:01.929
time buying this watch you remember me well here

00:58:01.929 --> 00:58:05.650
i'm one of my favorite stories I go to this great

00:58:05.650 --> 00:58:08.210
watch dealer in Vegas. You know her. I think

00:58:08.210 --> 00:58:10.570
you bought a watch from her. Chappelle buys watches

00:58:10.570 --> 00:58:12.550
from her. It's how you get the green light is

00:58:12.550 --> 00:58:14.110
that you know the person, and then they go, I

00:58:14.110 --> 00:58:17.170
bring out the inventory. Right. So I look at

00:58:17.170 --> 00:58:18.829
it, this watch, and she tells me. Is that Rolex?

00:58:19.150 --> 00:58:21.469
Rolex. It's a Submariner. Ten grand. Heard of

00:58:21.469 --> 00:58:23.909
that brand. And she goes, and I just can't pull

00:58:23.909 --> 00:58:26.369
myself to pull the trigger. Ari's never had a

00:58:26.369 --> 00:58:28.110
watch either. He doesn't wear a nice watch. Russell

00:58:28.110 --> 00:58:29.730
tried to give me a $10 ,000 watch. I was like,

00:58:29.750 --> 00:58:31.889
don't. And he's like, no, you need a watch. I'm

00:58:31.889 --> 00:58:32.949
like, dude, stop. I'm just going to pawn it.

00:58:32.949 --> 00:58:35.210
You wouldn't wear a nice watch, like a good.

00:58:35.289 --> 00:58:37.590
I don't want it on my. No? It's just like. Put

00:58:37.590 --> 00:58:39.650
yours on his wrist and let him enjoy it. Well,

00:58:39.750 --> 00:58:43.719
okay. So I'm sitting there, Ari. My arms are

00:58:43.719 --> 00:58:47.400
sore. This is the one that's comfortable, too,

00:58:47.420 --> 00:58:50.280
because it's on a silicone strap. That's my everyday

00:58:50.280 --> 00:58:53.219
walk -around watch. I like it. So I'm sitting

00:58:53.219 --> 00:58:55.239
at the lady. I'm having a hard time doing it.

00:58:55.280 --> 00:58:57.059
I text Tom a picture of the watch. He can barely

00:58:57.059 --> 00:58:58.960
use his arms. Look at this guy. I can't believe

00:58:58.960 --> 00:59:00.000
it. You should have seen him in the green room

00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:02.139
last night doing girl sit -ups, or girl chin

00:59:02.139 --> 00:59:04.139
-ups, or push -ups, rather, from his knees. How

00:59:04.139 --> 00:59:06.340
many could you do in a row right now, Ari? Real?

00:59:06.440 --> 00:59:09.750
Yeah. Three max. Wait, what? His arms are gone.

00:59:10.050 --> 00:59:12.059
His arms are destroyed. You've got to realize

00:59:12.059 --> 00:59:14.219
we have all been working out during this time.

00:59:14.380 --> 00:59:17.239
Ari doesn't work out at all. It looks good on

00:59:17.239 --> 00:59:20.559
you, Ari. It does look good. It kind of shifts

00:59:20.559 --> 00:59:23.900
up. No, because you make it tighter. If you want

00:59:23.900 --> 00:59:27.079
a watch, I will get you a watch. Tell me. Joe,

00:59:27.079 --> 00:59:28.820
Joe, Joe. Can I just green light it? I would

00:59:28.820 --> 00:59:30.119
love to get you a watch. Please get him a watch.

00:59:30.280 --> 00:59:31.960
I'll get you a watch. It's so much fun to wear.

00:59:31.960 --> 00:59:35.679
I'll get you a nice Omega Aqua Terra. It's a

00:59:35.679 --> 00:59:39.780
nice, kind of subtle, not too flashy, but a really

00:59:39.780 --> 00:59:43.199
well -made watch. That white gold sky dweller.

00:59:43.380 --> 00:59:46.679
No, no, no, no, no, no. Fucking bling him out.

00:59:46.960 --> 00:59:49.679
Make him be the whore he wants to be. You'll

00:59:49.679 --> 00:59:51.960
get me murdered in New York. Yeah, I want to

00:59:51.960 --> 00:59:54.059
get him something that's under the radar, but

00:59:54.059 --> 00:59:56.360
it's a nice, really well -made automatic one.

00:59:56.360 --> 00:59:58.599
This makes my wrist look daintier. No, it doesn't.

00:59:58.619 --> 01:00:00.500
You actually look like a grown -up all of a sudden.

01:00:00.519 --> 01:00:02.659
Yeah, it looks good. It looks good on you. I

01:00:02.659 --> 01:00:04.940
like it. Do you want it? No, dude, I appreciate

01:00:04.940 --> 01:00:08.960
it. Okay. Yeah, here we go. Diamond Rolex. Yeah,

01:00:09.019 --> 01:00:12.159
right. I'd wear that. Ball it! Shut up. Letting

01:00:12.159 --> 01:00:13.880
bitches know. I'll tell you the one. Right when

01:00:13.880 --> 01:00:16.199
your special comes out, that's what you do. Guys,

01:00:16.340 --> 01:00:18.940
I'm killing it with my special. Put it out there.

01:00:18.960 --> 01:00:21.519
It's only nine grand. Come on. It's doable. What

01:00:21.519 --> 01:00:25.199
if you do, dude, get one with like a Star of

01:00:25.199 --> 01:00:29.619
David on the dial? Yes. Right? Chew it up. Yeah.

01:00:29.780 --> 01:00:32.579
For the promo stuff? Yeah, why not? If I got

01:00:32.579 --> 01:00:34.670
you a watch, would you wear it? I'm just not

01:00:34.670 --> 01:00:37.510
a watch wear. Shut the fuck up. You're a watch

01:00:37.510 --> 01:00:39.230
wear when you wear a watch. You're a swimmer

01:00:39.230 --> 01:00:40.610
when you get in the pool. What the fuck are you

01:00:40.610 --> 01:00:41.889
talking about? Joe wasn't a watch guy. Early

01:00:41.889 --> 01:00:44.750
on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy.

01:00:44.909 --> 01:00:46.309
I remember him saying, like, I'm not buying fucking

01:00:46.309 --> 01:00:49.349
fancy watches. I got this G -Shock. I wear this.

01:00:49.530 --> 01:00:51.869
I love G -Shocks. And now, oh, look at that.

01:00:51.889 --> 01:00:53.869
Oh, is that a Jewish watch? I think that's Arabic

01:00:53.869 --> 01:00:55.369
letters. That's Arabic letters. That's beautiful.

01:00:56.139 --> 01:00:57.619
That's beautiful. That's a fucking beautiful

01:00:57.619 --> 01:01:00.659
watch. But I'm not into diamonds, man. I was

01:01:00.659 --> 01:01:03.239
at a jewelry store once, and this guy was explaining

01:01:03.239 --> 01:01:06.800
to me how they make diamonds now, like, artificially.

01:01:06.860 --> 01:01:08.440
Oh, yeah. And he was like, yeah, but it's a real

01:01:08.440 --> 01:01:10.440
problem. I go, why is it a real problem? And

01:01:10.440 --> 01:01:14.059
he was coming at it from a diamond seller's perspective.

01:01:14.139 --> 01:01:16.179
Sure. He's like, well, you know, I go, is it

01:01:16.179 --> 01:01:18.599
a real diamond? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not

01:01:18.599 --> 01:01:21.239
legit. It's not legit because it doesn't come

01:01:21.239 --> 01:01:22.360
from the ground. I go, blah, blah, blah, blah,

01:01:22.460 --> 01:01:24.760
blah, blah. Is it a fucking diamond? Is it a

01:01:24.760 --> 01:01:26.130
diamond or not? It's a diamond. Yeah, but people

01:01:26.130 --> 01:01:28.170
get upset if they find out that it's artificial.

01:01:28.530 --> 01:01:32.550
But it's an actual diamond. If you make an actual

01:01:32.550 --> 01:01:34.969
diamond with a machine, why do you give a fuck

01:01:34.969 --> 01:01:37.289
if it came from the ground? I would actually

01:01:37.289 --> 01:01:39.929
want it more if it came from technology. I think

01:01:39.929 --> 01:01:42.239
that's kind of cool. And it's real. I want a

01:01:42.239 --> 01:01:44.599
blood diamond. It's real. It's not like a cubic

01:01:44.599 --> 01:01:48.079
zirconia. I want someone with one hand missing

01:01:48.079 --> 01:01:49.619
delivering it to me. I want a testimonial from

01:01:49.619 --> 01:01:52.179
their fucking orphan children. But women do not

01:01:52.179 --> 01:01:55.960
want that fucking man -made diamond. They want

01:01:55.960 --> 01:01:58.480
that one that is hard to get. The one that's

01:01:58.480 --> 01:02:00.860
hard to get that came from fucking the middle

01:02:00.860 --> 01:02:03.820
of Africa. Look at that. That's a fucking nice

01:02:03.820 --> 01:02:04.820
watch. That's a beautiful fucking watch. That's

01:02:04.820 --> 01:02:07.480
an Omega with a little earth in the center of

01:02:07.480 --> 01:02:09.739
it. What is that? Which model is that? Seamaster.

01:02:09.980 --> 01:02:12.059
That's fucking beautiful. That's a good looking

01:02:12.059 --> 01:02:13.679
watch, Ari. That's you, Ari. That's a fucking

01:02:13.679 --> 01:02:16.159
gentleman's watch. That's an Aqua Terra. $47

01:02:16.159 --> 01:02:20.940
,000. That's a little pricey. A little pricey.

01:02:21.139 --> 01:02:22.880
That's a fucking beautiful watch, though. Look

01:02:22.880 --> 01:02:25.500
at that goddamn thing. That's $47 ,000. Isn't

01:02:25.500 --> 01:02:26.519
it crazy? It was discounted for $49 ,000. That's

01:02:26.519 --> 01:02:28.199
because of the complications, though, for sure.

01:02:28.400 --> 01:02:30.920
Is that one of the self -winders? Well, I think

01:02:30.920 --> 01:02:32.820
it's got a complication. What is the complication

01:02:32.820 --> 01:02:35.039
on that? Well, it probably looks like if you

01:02:35.039 --> 01:02:38.420
go back to the dial, I'm sure it has the first

01:02:38.420 --> 01:02:41.110
picture. Oh, it's a limited number. I'm going

01:02:41.110 --> 01:02:42.550
to tell you the one Artie wants. Make more, stupid.

01:02:42.769 --> 01:02:45.710
That doesn't make any sense. What's the one that

01:02:45.710 --> 01:02:49.150
Rolex made for Pan Am? Rolex made a steel watch

01:02:49.150 --> 01:02:52.530
for Pan Am that for a comedian is the best watch

01:02:52.530 --> 01:02:56.449
and affordable. It's dial up here. It's GMT.

01:02:57.010 --> 01:02:59.130
It's dial up here so that when you go on the

01:02:59.130 --> 01:03:01.510
road, you can change it and it'll tell you the

01:03:01.510 --> 01:03:03.010
time of where you are, but you can keep it on

01:03:03.010 --> 01:03:04.650
New York time. Or you do the math. Oh, interesting.

01:03:05.489 --> 01:03:07.510
I have no fucking idea. New York is three hours

01:03:07.510 --> 01:03:10.260
later. Yeah, that is a problem. If you're right,

01:03:10.280 --> 01:03:12.800
this is the one you want, Ari. This is a beautiful

01:03:12.800 --> 01:03:15.039
watch. That, you'll get robbed. You'll get robbed.

01:03:15.260 --> 01:03:17.719
Shut the fuck up, Ari. Of course he'll rob you.

01:03:17.739 --> 01:03:20.659
That's a goddamn Rolex. If you have something

01:03:20.659 --> 01:03:23.099
that's under the radar, then you'll probably

01:03:23.099 --> 01:03:25.480
be all right. It's a hot watch, though. It's

01:03:25.480 --> 01:03:27.659
a hot watch. You want something that doesn't

01:03:27.659 --> 01:03:29.440
look blingy. Yeah, you don't want to turn people

01:03:29.440 --> 01:03:32.659
off with looking at your wrist. You don't want

01:03:32.659 --> 01:03:34.980
it to be blingy. You want you perform for far

01:03:34.980 --> 01:03:36.940
away from people I perform right up on people

01:03:36.940 --> 01:03:41.800
Yeah, if you're like right in the front row and

01:03:41.800 --> 01:03:44.000
some guys weren't a $50 ,000 watch that's a little

01:03:44.000 --> 01:03:45.519
distracting looking at my arm the whole time

01:03:45.519 --> 01:03:48.619
Yeah, but you always say you have trouble spending

01:03:48.619 --> 01:03:50.920
money. I don't hold on. Let me tell this is my

01:03:50.920 --> 01:03:56.139
favorite So I sent Tom a text at this Rolex place

01:03:56.139 --> 01:03:58.440
in Vegas so he checks out and I text and I say

01:03:59.070 --> 01:04:00.469
A picture of the watch. And he goes, are you

01:04:00.469 --> 01:04:02.469
getting it? And I said, I don't think so. I have

01:04:02.469 --> 01:04:03.670
trouble spending money. I have trouble spending

01:04:03.670 --> 01:04:06.050
money. I leave the place. Except the guy from

01:04:06.050 --> 01:04:08.010
a Rolex store. I leave the place. Well, I like

01:04:08.010 --> 01:04:09.909
looking at them. So I leave the place. It must

01:04:09.909 --> 01:04:12.829
be fun for the dealer. Tom sends me a very heartfelt

01:04:12.829 --> 01:04:15.670
text. Hey, man, you're busting your ass on the

01:04:15.670 --> 01:04:17.829
road. You work nonstop. You're gone two weeks

01:04:17.829 --> 01:04:20.389
at a time. You have two podcasts. It goes on

01:04:20.389 --> 01:04:22.829
in this really heartfelt text. You deserve to

01:04:22.829 --> 01:04:24.750
treat yourself every now and then. This is an

01:04:24.750 --> 01:04:27.300
affordable treat. Do it for yourself. And so

01:04:27.300 --> 01:04:30.179
I go back. I buy the watch. Next day, I'm sitting

01:04:30.179 --> 01:04:31.900
and having coffee, looking at the watch, going,

01:04:32.039 --> 01:04:33.880
God damn it, I love this fucking watch. I really

01:04:33.880 --> 01:04:36.599
love looking at it. It cheers me up. And I call

01:04:36.599 --> 01:04:39.119
Tom. I said, hey, man, I appreciate you sending

01:04:39.119 --> 01:04:40.719
me that message. Leanne tried to convince me,

01:04:40.760 --> 01:04:42.659
and I wouldn't do it, but your message meant

01:04:42.659 --> 01:04:44.719
so much to me. He's like, oh, cool. I go, what

01:04:44.719 --> 01:04:46.880
are you doing? He goes, well, you know, I sent

01:04:46.880 --> 01:04:48.880
you that message, and I realized that shit applies

01:04:48.880 --> 01:04:51.860
to me, too. I'm in a Rolex store. I'm buying

01:04:51.860 --> 01:04:55.199
a new Rolex. He bought a new Rolex the next day.

01:04:55.619 --> 01:04:58.500
Yeah. Tommy's my favorite guy to call about cars

01:04:58.500 --> 01:05:01.159
because Tommy and me have the same love of cars.

01:05:01.300 --> 01:05:04.639
We go off. We go off and buy cars. Yeah. I remember

01:05:04.639 --> 01:05:06.380
when Tom got, he just bought the Porsche, the

01:05:06.380 --> 01:05:08.159
blue one, and then you got another one. People

01:05:08.159 --> 01:05:10.179
were like, what? What do you have? What are you

01:05:10.179 --> 01:05:12.650
driving around? I don't know. The name of it.

01:05:12.690 --> 01:05:16.050
It's a Mercedes, but I don't know. How do you

01:05:16.050 --> 01:05:18.590
not know? Is it a big one? Like an S series?

01:05:18.730 --> 01:05:20.570
It's a big one. The white one. That's a fucking

01:05:20.570 --> 01:05:24.150
great car. It's an S550. So S560. That is a great

01:05:24.150 --> 01:05:27.710
fucking car. I rented one about two years ago

01:05:27.710 --> 01:05:30.369
or so on the road. Oh, my God. That's a great

01:05:30.369 --> 01:05:33.150
car. They're so well made. They're so well designed.

01:05:33.889 --> 01:05:36.550
You get something out of those cars. There's

01:05:36.550 --> 01:05:38.690
a feel that you get when you drive them. You're

01:05:38.690 --> 01:05:40.570
like, yeah. I feel like a grown up. It feels

01:05:40.570 --> 01:05:43.480
good. a Steely Dan, have a cigar in it. Nice

01:05:43.480 --> 01:05:46.079
sound system. They all have great audio now.

01:05:46.159 --> 01:05:48.079
It used to be you had to buy a car and then put

01:05:48.079 --> 01:05:50.460
stereos in them. Post -market sound system, yeah.

01:05:50.559 --> 01:05:51.860
I always used to do that. First thing I used

01:05:51.860 --> 01:05:53.719
to do was buy a car and bring it to my guy. Unreal.

01:05:54.000 --> 01:05:55.840
Yeah, now the stereos are incredible. They're

01:05:55.840 --> 01:05:58.300
in the car. It's like, fuck, man. Yeah, car things

01:05:58.300 --> 01:06:00.139
are real. You're lucky you don't have the car

01:06:00.139 --> 01:06:02.760
bug. Oh. That's an expensive collection. I don't

01:06:02.760 --> 01:06:05.320
drive very often. Like, I always look at guys

01:06:05.320 --> 01:06:07.900
who are driving on Sunset in a nice car and I

01:06:07.900 --> 01:06:10.150
go, are you guys not partying tonight? Oh, you're

01:06:10.150 --> 01:06:12.550
Ubering everywhere. I Uber everywhere. You used

01:06:12.550 --> 01:06:15.610
to have that BMW. Five series. That was a nice

01:06:15.610 --> 01:06:18.210
car. I said to Georgia, I said, Georgia, this

01:06:18.210 --> 01:06:19.730
is going to be your car. She goes, I'm not driving

01:06:19.730 --> 01:06:22.389
a five series BMW to school looking like a rich

01:06:22.389 --> 01:06:24.250
kid. And I go, yeah, but we leased it. We can

01:06:24.250 --> 01:06:26.889
buy it back for like $32 ,000. And she goes,

01:06:26.969 --> 01:06:29.630
Dad, I want a regular car like an Explorer. I

01:06:29.630 --> 01:06:32.429
go, it's $52 ,000. She goes, yeah, but I don't

01:06:32.429 --> 01:06:33.610
want to look like a rich kid. I said, so I'm

01:06:33.610 --> 01:06:36.289
going to spend an extra $20 ,000 so you don't

01:06:36.289 --> 01:06:38.170
look like a fucking rich kid? She was like, yeah.

01:06:38.289 --> 01:06:40.929
This kid played you. That's smart. No, that's

01:06:40.929 --> 01:06:43.670
actually smart. She's smart. You have a smart

01:06:43.670 --> 01:06:46.130
daughter. She knows the impact of it. She knows

01:06:46.130 --> 01:06:48.510
you're rich. She loves her car. That 5 Series

01:06:48.510 --> 01:06:52.250
was the first car I got that I was like, oh,

01:06:52.269 --> 01:06:53.650
this can't be fun. Yeah, but when you showed

01:06:53.650 --> 01:06:56.150
up in the S -Class, you were big balling, dude.

01:06:56.230 --> 01:06:58.630
I like that car. That's a fucking great car.

01:06:58.789 --> 01:07:02.400
The S -Class is the shit. the shit. You're in

01:07:02.400 --> 01:07:04.320
that thing. You feel like a fucking comfortable

01:07:04.320 --> 01:07:06.599
gentleman. Chocolate interior. Yeah, you could

01:07:06.599 --> 01:07:08.099
smoke cigars in that thing, too. Driving back

01:07:08.099 --> 01:07:09.739
from the store the other night, listening to

01:07:09.739 --> 01:07:13.460
a little fucking Daryl Hall notes, flying through

01:07:13.460 --> 01:07:16.659
the hills, sober. She's a man eater. Oh, here

01:07:16.659 --> 01:07:19.480
she comes. What was the song? I was fucking jamming

01:07:19.480 --> 01:07:23.940
out. Dance all days, love. Dance all days, love.

01:07:26.079 --> 01:07:29.139
It's nice to pull out of the store and just be

01:07:29.139 --> 01:07:32.400
sober. My favorite thing was, like, coming down

01:07:32.400 --> 01:07:35.880
Laurel, and I'd be listening to, like, some fucking

01:07:35.880 --> 01:07:38.719
jam and rage against the machine. Headed to the

01:07:38.719 --> 01:07:41.599
store. Wang Chung. Oh, my God. Oh, it's Wang

01:07:41.599 --> 01:07:43.460
Chung. It's Wang Chung. I didn't have my glasses

01:07:43.460 --> 01:07:47.880
on. Well, it's a white guy. Same guy. It looks

01:07:47.880 --> 01:07:50.139
about the same. Good mullet. That's a great song,

01:07:50.179 --> 01:07:53.000
too, though. Driving to the store is fun. On

01:07:53.000 --> 01:07:55.559
Laurel, you go fast. That's a fun drive. Yeah.

01:07:55.739 --> 01:07:58.500
It's also like you're on your way to the fucking

01:07:58.500 --> 01:08:01.980
promised land. Like for us as comics, the comedy

01:08:01.980 --> 01:08:05.260
store was mecca. Like I remember being an open

01:08:05.260 --> 01:08:08.880
miker. An open miker. And I always knew that

01:08:08.880 --> 01:08:10.679
I had to get to the comedy store. I'm like, if

01:08:10.679 --> 01:08:12.019
I'm going to be a comic, I have to get to the

01:08:12.019 --> 01:08:14.420
comedy store. Like when Mitzi passed me as a

01:08:14.420 --> 01:08:16.640
paid regular, it was one of the best days of

01:08:16.640 --> 01:08:19.279
my life. Like I remember that day like I'm a

01:08:19.279 --> 01:08:22.060
real comic. Like I can't believe I'm passed at

01:08:22.060 --> 01:08:25.970
the comedy store. It was like. That place, it

01:08:25.970 --> 01:08:28.329
was just not a comedy club, man. Did she tell

01:08:28.329 --> 01:08:29.710
you or did they call you the next day? She told

01:08:29.710 --> 01:08:33.229
me. You're really funny. You're a paid regular

01:08:33.229 --> 01:08:37.529
now. I was like, holy shit. Holy shit. I was

01:08:37.529 --> 01:08:39.649
on a TV show. I didn't give a fuck about that

01:08:39.649 --> 01:08:44.569
show. I was 42, had TV shows, successful touring

01:08:44.569 --> 01:08:47.539
comic. I got passed at the store. I didn't tell

01:08:47.539 --> 01:08:49.119
anyone. I didn't say a word to anyone. So I was

01:08:49.119 --> 01:08:50.760
like, it was a big deal for me. I was really

01:08:50.760 --> 01:08:53.479
nervous. I got bumped by Louie. I got bumped

01:08:53.479 --> 01:08:56.520
by Tosh. I got bumped by Judd Apatow for my one

01:08:56.520 --> 01:09:00.399
paid regular spot. It's now like midnight. And

01:09:00.399 --> 01:09:02.779
I get off stage. And I said this last night when

01:09:02.779 --> 01:09:05.020
I brought him on stage. Tony Hensliff pulls me

01:09:05.020 --> 01:09:06.979
aside, and he goes, I always have a soft spot

01:09:06.979 --> 01:09:08.819
in my heart for that guy. He goes, hey, congratulations.

01:09:09.239 --> 01:09:11.180
I said, what? And he goes, first paid regular

01:09:11.180 --> 01:09:12.619
spot. He's like, let's go do a shot together.

01:09:12.859 --> 01:09:15.500
No one knew. Fuck yeah. And I went outside, and

01:09:15.500 --> 01:09:17.340
he was like, it's a big deal. It's a big fucking

01:09:17.340 --> 01:09:19.359
deal. I did a toast. I did a thing, and I was

01:09:19.359 --> 01:09:22.939
like, fuck yeah, thank you, Tony. And I had a

01:09:22.939 --> 01:09:25.760
career, but it meant so much to me. There's two

01:09:25.760 --> 01:09:27.180
things that I remember from the store that were

01:09:27.180 --> 01:09:29.800
like landmark moments. One was becoming a paid

01:09:29.800 --> 01:09:32.020
regular, and two, Paul Mooney telling me I was

01:09:32.020 --> 01:09:34.310
funny. Wow, that's pretty. cool. Paul Mooney

01:09:34.310 --> 01:09:36.149
told you you were funny? Paul Mooney. Paul Mooney

01:09:36.149 --> 01:09:37.869
never said that to anybody. And Paul Mooney did

01:09:37.869 --> 01:09:40.350
not like me when I first got there. I was this

01:09:40.350 --> 01:09:43.489
cute little fucking dummy. He's funny. I was

01:09:43.489 --> 01:09:44.970
just like, you know, I was like, okay. But one

01:09:44.970 --> 01:09:46.989
night he saw me. It was like 14 people in the

01:09:46.989 --> 01:09:49.689
crowd. And I went up and I did my act hard. I

01:09:49.689 --> 01:09:53.149
did the full thing. And he was in the back of

01:09:53.149 --> 01:09:59.529
the room. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I don't remember what

01:09:59.529 --> 01:10:01.649
bit it was, but I remember he shook my hand.

01:10:01.689 --> 01:10:02.949
He put his hand on my shoulder. He goes, you're

01:10:02.949 --> 01:10:07.909
a funny motherfucker. That's cool. I had to leave.

01:10:08.109 --> 01:10:09.489
I had to go out in the hallway. I was like, whoa.

01:10:09.810 --> 01:10:11.649
Try to be cool. Try to be like, oh, cool. Thanks,

01:10:11.710 --> 01:10:15.310
man. Oh, my God. I was tingling. Like Paul Mooney.

01:10:15.329 --> 01:10:17.770
People don't know how goddamn good Paul Mooney

01:10:17.770 --> 01:10:20.630
was. He had power. Oh, my God. He would write,

01:10:20.689 --> 01:10:23.069
too. When shit would go down, something would

01:10:23.069 --> 01:10:25.050
happen, and he would have like 10 minutes of

01:10:25.050 --> 01:10:27.069
it that night. Yeah. Like there was the Spirit

01:10:27.069 --> 01:10:28.810
Airline. Well, it wasn't Spirit. It was like

01:10:28.810 --> 01:10:30.670
one of them budget airlines that crashed in Florida,

01:10:30.770 --> 01:10:33.890
and he had this bit about these poor people clutching

01:10:33.890 --> 01:10:35.289
onto their purse while alligators were eating

01:10:35.289 --> 01:10:40.979
them. It was like the day after the crash. And

01:10:40.979 --> 01:10:42.840
then he was like, that's right, motherfucker.

01:10:43.060 --> 01:10:47.000
I write. I write. Patrice pulled me aside one

01:10:47.000 --> 01:10:49.960
night in New York. And we were at Caroline's.

01:10:50.119 --> 01:10:53.479
We did some show. So we go to Edinburgh. And

01:10:53.479 --> 01:10:54.920
everyone starts leaving. He grabs me. He goes,

01:10:54.979 --> 01:10:56.640
don't leave. I said, why? He goes, Paul Mooney.

01:10:56.699 --> 01:10:58.119
This is a gift. Because I didn't know who Paul

01:10:58.119 --> 01:11:00.239
Mooney was. Yeah. White people didn't know who

01:11:00.239 --> 01:11:01.739
he was. Paul Mooney's here. And I go, who the

01:11:01.739 --> 01:11:03.319
fuck's that? And he goes, you're sitting. You're

01:11:03.319 --> 01:11:06.420
watching him. So. I ordered a beer, and I sat

01:11:06.420 --> 01:11:09.460
down, and I go, I was like, it's getting late,

01:11:09.560 --> 01:11:11.359
Patrice. And he goes, shut up, motherfucker.

01:11:11.699 --> 01:11:14.300
Look who's behind you. And I turn around, and

01:11:14.300 --> 01:11:17.279
it's Eddie Murphy. And he goes, if Eddie Murphy's

01:11:17.279 --> 01:11:20.199
coming to watch him, we're staying. And me and

01:11:20.199 --> 01:11:22.319
Patrice watched Paul Mooney, and Paul Mooney

01:11:22.319 --> 01:11:24.000
had a bottle of champagne on stage, drank the

01:11:24.000 --> 01:11:26.060
whole fucking thing. Yeah, those little bottles

01:11:26.060 --> 01:11:28.260
he would have. He would drink them, and he would

01:11:28.260 --> 01:11:30.680
make a joke, and then hold the bottle up with

01:11:30.680 --> 01:11:34.069
two fingers. and you'd hear Eddie Murphy, whatever

01:11:34.069 --> 01:11:37.270
his laugh is. Dude, your impressions are on point

01:11:37.270 --> 01:11:41.649
there. Say it in ethnicity. Say it in ethnicity.

01:11:41.649 --> 01:11:43.989
I'll bang it out. Do it. Go, go, go. Taiwanese.

01:11:44.550 --> 01:11:48.649
Hello! Nailed it. Pretty good, pretty good. I

01:11:48.649 --> 01:11:51.170
do it all day. I do it all day. Give me a comedian.

01:11:51.289 --> 01:11:53.630
I'll do an impression of him. I'll never forget

01:11:53.630 --> 01:11:56.090
being in the main room. Being in the main room

01:11:56.090 --> 01:11:57.609
one night, and I called you up, and you were

01:11:57.609 --> 01:12:00.529
on a motorcycle in Vietnam. Oh, yeah. And I was

01:12:00.529 --> 01:12:02.909
like, you got to quit that show. That was a good

01:12:02.909 --> 01:12:04.710
bit. I should do that. That was a good story.

01:12:05.189 --> 01:12:07.029
Because he called and I was like, he's like,

01:12:07.149 --> 01:12:09.130
what are you doing? I was drunk. I'm high. I'm

01:12:09.130 --> 01:12:10.529
running through motorcycles through rice paddies

01:12:10.529 --> 01:12:14.060
in Vietnam. And he was like, you are the fucking

01:12:14.060 --> 01:12:15.739
machine. You got to fucking get away from this

01:12:15.739 --> 01:12:18.159
Travel Channel shit. Be a comic. Do this. Fucking

01:12:18.159 --> 01:12:19.819
write. If you don't talk about this on stage,

01:12:19.880 --> 01:12:22.359
you're wasting your life. Fuck this. He was like,

01:12:22.439 --> 01:12:24.340
this is who you are. These experiences are who

01:12:24.340 --> 01:12:26.680
you are. And I was like, fuck yeah. And I'm still

01:12:26.680 --> 01:12:28.420
high and drunk. Hang up with Joe. And I'm flying

01:12:28.420 --> 01:12:30.739
on the motorcycle now. I'm like, I'm the fucking

01:12:30.739 --> 01:12:33.680
machine. And then my wife calls. And I was like,

01:12:33.760 --> 01:12:35.039
she's like, what's up? And I was like, well,

01:12:35.079 --> 01:12:37.329
it works out well with Joe. I'm drunk, I'm high,

01:12:37.369 --> 01:12:38.789
I'm on a motorcycle, and I'm flying through rice

01:12:38.789 --> 01:12:40.909
paddies in Vietnam. She's like, you dumb motherfucker.

01:12:41.350 --> 01:12:43.149
You're a father of two. You have high blood pressure.

01:12:43.229 --> 01:12:47.170
Walk that thing home. Walk it home. What a different

01:12:47.170 --> 01:12:48.770
way of looking at the same situation. Can you

01:12:48.770 --> 01:12:51.470
imagine, though, being a woman, and you're waiting

01:12:51.470 --> 01:12:54.930
on this guy, and he's making a living. You're

01:12:54.930 --> 01:12:56.770
the breadwinner of the household, and you're

01:12:56.770 --> 01:12:59.270
a wild person. You're out there drinking. You're

01:12:59.270 --> 01:13:01.550
on a motorcycle. You're in another country. He's

01:13:01.550 --> 01:13:03.670
a crazy person. If you break your leg, they're

01:13:03.670 --> 01:13:07.630
just going to saw it off. Terrified. I mean,

01:13:07.670 --> 01:13:10.810
imagine counting on someone like you, whereas

01:13:10.810 --> 01:13:15.210
a friend is like, yes, go for it. But I don't

01:13:15.210 --> 01:13:18.310
rely on you for money. I couldn't imagine. It's

01:13:18.310 --> 01:13:23.590
funny, I rely on you for money. Not anymore,

01:13:23.689 --> 01:13:25.829
you don't. Hey, guys, this weekend, Youngstown,

01:13:25.869 --> 01:13:29.020
Charlottesville. Florence and Carlston. BertBertBert

01:13:29.020 --> 01:13:31.220
.com. Is it BertKreischer .com now? BertBertBert.

01:13:31.220 --> 01:13:32.720
Still BertBertBert. Something's burning back.

01:13:32.899 --> 01:13:34.060
Are you going to come do an episode of Something's

01:13:34.060 --> 01:13:36.640
Burning? Fuck yes. Fuck yes. You tell me about

01:13:36.640 --> 01:13:39.279
the Eddie Bravo one, because Eddie Bravo is one

01:13:39.279 --> 01:13:41.180
of the funniest guys that's ever lived. Eddie

01:13:41.180 --> 01:13:45.739
Bravo comes in, and Sam doesn't drink. And I

01:13:45.739 --> 01:13:48.060
go, you want a drink, Eddie? And he's like, fuck

01:13:48.060 --> 01:13:50.479
yeah! That's a good Eddie impression, right?

01:13:50.699 --> 01:13:54.199
Fuck yeah! And so I make him a Tito's and soda,

01:13:54.359 --> 01:13:57.069
and me and him start going drink for drink. Tito's

01:13:57.069 --> 01:14:02.590
soda. And he is on a fucking burner. He is telling

01:14:02.590 --> 01:14:05.989
bits. He is killing top to bottom. At one point

01:14:05.989 --> 01:14:07.670
I go, Eddie, you stand in front of the Lord and

01:14:07.670 --> 01:14:09.170
you got one thing to tell him. You do great.

01:14:09.289 --> 01:14:11.329
What is it? And he goes, I choke out motherfuckers

01:14:11.329 --> 01:14:17.880
with my legs. He told this story. He told a story

01:14:17.880 --> 01:14:19.340
about fucking a girl with a stinky pussy and

01:14:19.340 --> 01:14:21.340
stinky feet. It's one of the funniest stories.

01:14:21.460 --> 01:14:24.340
He told me that in Australia. How funny is that

01:14:24.340 --> 01:14:28.060
story? Mixing colors. He said it was like blue

01:14:28.060 --> 01:14:33.600
and yellow mixed green. And he goes, I had to

01:14:33.600 --> 01:14:34.800
get her vitamins. I had to get her vitamins.

01:14:34.899 --> 01:14:35.979
I was in love with this girl. He brought out

01:14:35.979 --> 01:14:38.260
a book. He's showing her about nutrition. This

01:14:38.260 --> 01:14:40.659
is what's going on with your vagina. He is so

01:14:40.659 --> 01:14:42.600
fucking funny. We did. And then, by the way.

01:14:43.119 --> 01:14:45.260
I had to do an integration for Solo Stove. So,

01:14:45.279 --> 01:14:46.760
like, we had to do the episode. And then at the

01:14:46.760 --> 01:14:49.060
end, you know, to pay for the thing, we all go

01:14:49.060 --> 01:14:50.600
outside and do an integration. We cook outside.

01:14:51.060 --> 01:14:53.100
And Eddie Bravo's going off about mosquitoes.

01:14:53.359 --> 01:14:55.659
I don't remember having itching sauce when I

01:14:55.659 --> 01:14:57.920
was a kid. Then we go into my house. We're still

01:14:57.920 --> 01:15:00.460
drinking. Isla comes down. She goes, and I go,

01:15:00.539 --> 01:15:02.300
hey, Isla, you've always wanted to do jujitsu.

01:15:02.479 --> 01:15:06.860
And Eddie's like, you'll never get raped. Jesus

01:15:06.860 --> 01:15:10.579
Christ. He's awful. And then I sent her up to

01:15:10.579 --> 01:15:12.640
private lessons. Eddie is the, I'm telling you,

01:15:12.640 --> 01:15:14.539
man. He's very cool. He's the fucking greatest.

01:15:14.539 --> 01:15:16.380
He let me train when I was at my port. He let

01:15:16.380 --> 01:15:20.220
me train free for like two years. Dude, he, man,

01:15:20.399 --> 01:15:24.000
that guy, he murdered the heart. Him, something's

01:15:24.000 --> 01:15:27.039
about him. I gotta say. Oh, him, Mark Norman,

01:15:27.340 --> 01:15:29.560
that one's blowing up. Jeffrey's on this week.

01:15:29.699 --> 01:15:33.359
He's on right now. I have to say. Jeffrey? Jim

01:15:33.359 --> 01:15:34.899
Jeffries. Oh, Jim Jeffries. Jim Jeffries is fucking.

01:15:35.720 --> 01:15:37.640
It's great. So many great episodes. But I'll

01:15:37.640 --> 01:15:39.720
tell you the one I'm looking forward to. Tim

01:15:39.720 --> 01:15:41.960
Dillon and Whitney Cummings. Oh, my God. That's

01:15:41.960 --> 01:15:44.600
going to be great. You know how I almost pass

01:15:44.600 --> 01:15:47.319
out when I laugh? Yeah. Four times. Four times.

01:15:47.340 --> 01:15:50.720
Tim Dillon. It started very casually. What are

01:15:50.720 --> 01:15:53.880
you making today, Bert? And I go, well, and Whitney,

01:15:54.020 --> 01:15:56.619
you know, Tim, if you were making meals, what

01:15:56.619 --> 01:15:57.859
would you make us? And he looks at it and he

01:15:57.859 --> 01:16:01.960
goes. Percocet pudding, Whitney. That's his first

01:16:01.960 --> 01:16:04.899
joke. Because it's got Percocets in it, which

01:16:04.899 --> 01:16:12.060
you like. And it's pudding. He killed the hardest.

01:16:13.010 --> 01:16:17.409
He's the best ranter. With him, the best ranter.

01:16:17.470 --> 01:16:19.710
He did a rant on this podcast about the decline

01:16:19.710 --> 01:16:21.250
of the American empire. I saw it. I just let

01:16:21.250 --> 01:16:23.430
him go. You got to let him go. It was one of

01:16:23.430 --> 01:16:25.369
the best rants I've ever heard. No, the best

01:16:25.369 --> 01:16:26.829
rant I've ever heard in my life. I listened to

01:16:26.829 --> 01:16:28.930
it with Isla. It's incredible. We're in the car.

01:16:28.970 --> 01:16:30.829
I'm drinking to her football game. We're listening

01:16:30.829 --> 01:16:34.289
to it. And I look over, she's smiling, and she's

01:16:34.289 --> 01:16:36.210
nodding, and she goes, who is this guy? I said,

01:16:36.229 --> 01:16:38.229
you've met him. She goes, I know this guy? I

01:16:38.229 --> 01:16:39.430
go, yeah, he's coming to the house next week.

01:16:39.510 --> 01:16:41.649
She goes, can I meet him again? I said, yeah.

01:16:41.710 --> 01:16:44.489
So I'm doing the podcast with Tim, and Isla comes

01:16:44.489 --> 01:16:47.289
down. She's like, I go, hey, Tim, give Isla some

01:16:47.289 --> 01:16:50.149
life advice. And Tim just goes on a fucking,

01:16:50.289 --> 01:16:56.189
she's 16. He's so fucking quick. Dude. All those

01:16:56.189 --> 01:16:58.949
guys, that generation, the Mark Norman, Tim Dillon.

01:16:59.050 --> 01:17:00.850
Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. Have you seen the

01:17:00.850 --> 01:17:02.930
new Gillian Keyes special? Oh, my God. I haven't.

01:17:03.210 --> 01:17:06.569
I'm sitting at Dane Cook's special with Leigh

01:17:06.569 --> 01:17:08.750
-Anne. It's so funny. It is so funny. I bought

01:17:08.750 --> 01:17:11.350
it. I bought it on the thing. I'm sitting with

01:17:11.350 --> 01:17:13.350
Leigh -Anne, and we're watching his special before

01:17:13.350 --> 01:17:16.029
Dane's special starts, crying, laughing, and

01:17:16.029 --> 01:17:18.430
the people around me are looking over my shoulder,

01:17:18.569 --> 01:17:22.460
crying, fucking laughing. Shane Gillis is fucking

01:17:22.460 --> 01:17:25.600
special, man. He's very, very good. He looks

01:17:25.600 --> 01:17:28.119
special. He does look special. A little bit.

01:17:28.199 --> 01:17:30.399
He talks about that, too. I know, which is so

01:17:30.399 --> 01:17:32.479
funny. Have you seen the new bit he does about

01:17:32.479 --> 01:17:34.920
George Washington Museum? That's great. Oh, my

01:17:34.920 --> 01:17:37.479
God, it's a good bit. It's one of those bits

01:17:37.479 --> 01:17:39.579
where after it's over, I'm like, thank you. He

01:17:39.579 --> 01:17:41.180
did it at the Ryman. We did a This Is Not Happening

01:17:41.180 --> 01:17:45.140
at the Ryman. It crushed. The best was... Fully

01:17:45.140 --> 01:17:47.819
Loaded, we took Georgia with. My oldest was PA,

01:17:47.979 --> 01:17:49.899
her and her friends. And they're all pretty woke,

01:17:50.060 --> 01:17:52.300
right? Like, they're kids. You know, they do

01:17:52.300 --> 01:17:53.939
their pronouns when they meet, you know, whatever.

01:17:54.140 --> 01:17:57.439
No. Yeah. Well, they're kids, Joe. It's L .A.

01:17:57.479 --> 01:18:00.239
And so, but they've never really seen live comedy.

01:18:00.380 --> 01:18:04.920
So Shane Gillis goes on stage. And immediately

01:18:04.920 --> 01:18:06.359
I'm like, when he starts talking about Trump,

01:18:06.420 --> 01:18:08.560
I'm waiting for Georgia to just cringe. And I

01:18:08.560 --> 01:18:10.460
watch Georgia and her friend. He goes into the

01:18:10.460 --> 01:18:14.199
George Washington. And the black guy comes out.

01:18:14.460 --> 01:18:16.920
Oh, yeah. And he goes, get back in there. And

01:18:16.920 --> 01:18:19.140
George and her friend are like, and they're laughing.

01:18:19.380 --> 01:18:23.960
And I go, what are you doing? She goes, it's

01:18:23.960 --> 01:18:26.300
just the way he says it, Dad. It's so funny.

01:18:26.420 --> 01:18:28.159
And I know you're not supposed to laugh at this.

01:18:28.220 --> 01:18:30.420
I go, baby, it's okay. It's good to get a long

01:18:30.420 --> 01:18:33.560
laugh. By the end, they were obsessed with Shane.

01:18:33.720 --> 01:18:36.439
And every time Shane would go on, Shane, Attell.

01:18:37.320 --> 01:18:40.619
Big J Big J is doing fucking fucking those put

01:18:40.619 --> 01:18:43.479
that pronoun joke about fucking Demi Lovato Oh,

01:18:43.539 --> 01:18:46.300
yeah, and they're crying laughing and then the

01:18:46.300 --> 01:18:47.880
whole time they just hung out with these guys

01:18:47.880 --> 01:18:50.779
last night Shane Gillis's comes up to George

01:18:50.779 --> 01:18:53.420
and her friend he goes You guys sneaking beers

01:18:53.420 --> 01:18:56.279
and they're like no he was don't fucking lie

01:18:56.279 --> 01:18:58.750
to me. I'm not your dad. She was no and this

01:18:58.750 --> 01:19:00.310
is how much they like him and they go we're sneaking

01:19:00.310 --> 01:19:02.770
a couple beers he goes i won't say anything sit

01:19:02.770 --> 01:19:07.890
down right next to me your daughter's drunk dude

01:19:07.890 --> 01:19:11.270
watching kids like young kids that are supposed

01:19:11.270 --> 01:19:14.670
to be woke watch great comedy because they love

01:19:14.670 --> 01:19:16.430
the release they don't get it they love the release

01:19:16.430 --> 01:19:18.810
of laughing something wrong and they never get

01:19:18.810 --> 01:19:20.329
it and they're like oh we've been missing this

01:19:20.329 --> 01:19:22.010
well you know why is because there's not a lot

01:19:22.010 --> 01:19:24.529
of it out right they're not exposed to it enough

01:19:24.529 --> 01:19:27.649
you know comedy like the idea that that is like

01:19:28.039 --> 01:19:31.319
That it's bad to laugh at things that are obviously

01:19:31.319 --> 01:19:34.119
hilarious. It's like that this person has bad

01:19:34.119 --> 01:19:35.680
intentions when they're saying these things.

01:19:35.720 --> 01:19:39.399
That's not true. It's funny. It's a relief. Well,

01:19:39.500 --> 01:19:42.430
it's also like an unspoken agreement. Yeah, we

01:19:42.430 --> 01:19:44.170
know it's bullshit. He's come here to hear some

01:19:44.170 --> 01:19:46.810
wrong things. We know it's fake. It's just talking

01:19:46.810 --> 01:19:49.869
shit. I mean, that's one of the things that infuriated

01:19:49.869 --> 01:19:52.229
me so much about people getting mad at Louie's

01:19:52.229 --> 01:19:54.770
leak set when that was all going down, where

01:19:54.770 --> 01:19:56.409
they were saying, you know. It's a workout set.

01:19:56.510 --> 01:19:59.210
Not only is it a workout set, it's exactly what

01:19:59.210 --> 01:20:01.489
he's always done. That was the part that was

01:20:01.489 --> 01:20:03.250
great, when they were like, this guy has jumped.

01:20:03.970 --> 01:20:07.430
He's gone MAGA. It's like, huh? And you were

01:20:07.430 --> 01:20:09.489
a fan before? This is exactly what he's been

01:20:09.489 --> 01:20:11.350
doing. He hasn't changed his philosophy. Philosophy

01:20:11.350 --> 01:20:14.710
at all. Yeah, it's it's just funny. He just says

01:20:14.710 --> 01:20:16.270
the things you're not supposed to say that are

01:20:16.270 --> 01:20:19.149
hilarious Yeah, he's still thank so if I can

01:20:19.149 --> 01:20:21.050
always saw him here at the the creek in the cave.

01:20:21.189 --> 01:20:24.229
It was fucking great Yeah, it was fucking great.

01:20:24.310 --> 01:20:27.369
It's like free now that a fucking master. It's

01:20:27.369 --> 01:20:30.989
like we're living in the presence of some of

01:20:30.989 --> 01:20:32.770
the greatest people of all time in our profession.

01:20:32.989 --> 01:20:36.689
Yes. And the crop coming up now is fucking amazing.

01:20:37.029 --> 01:20:39.949
There's so many good comics coming up now. There's

01:20:39.949 --> 01:20:43.069
so many good comics. When David Lucas and Tony

01:20:43.069 --> 01:20:45.170
Hinchcliffe go after each other on Kill Tony,

01:20:45.310 --> 01:20:48.430
I was a guest on Kill Tony the other day. I couldn't

01:20:48.430 --> 01:20:51.170
breathe. I was laughing so hard. I was just holding

01:20:51.170 --> 01:20:53.510
my side, wheezing. He's funny as shit. Lucas

01:20:53.510 --> 01:20:57.189
is a bad motherfucker. And he's so good at talking

01:20:57.189 --> 01:21:00.869
shit. And Tony's so good off the cuff. Tony's

01:21:00.869 --> 01:21:04.329
the best host of that kind of a show that's ever

01:21:04.329 --> 01:21:07.529
existed. He's so good. And he's been doing it

01:21:07.529 --> 01:21:11.289
so long now. He's so polished and so sharp. Oh,

01:21:11.470 --> 01:21:13.970
my God. This is such a good time for comedy,

01:21:14.069 --> 01:21:16.390
man. That's why I'm so pumped to open up my club.

01:21:16.710 --> 01:21:19.239
Oh, I'm so excited. You got a date? Well, we're

01:21:19.239 --> 01:21:20.779
in the middle of it right now. Kerry Mitchell

01:21:20.779 --> 01:21:22.680
just sent me a photo of the new bar in the middle

01:21:22.680 --> 01:21:24.359
of the construction. It looks fucking great.

01:21:24.539 --> 01:21:25.899
Don't show it to me. Don't show it to me or my

01:21:25.899 --> 01:21:28.359
dick will get hard. A bar? The place looks amazing.

01:21:28.640 --> 01:21:32.619
Yeah, it looks great. You seen it, Bert? I came

01:21:32.619 --> 01:21:34.920
out for the first week. That's the bar. Oh, you're

01:21:34.920 --> 01:21:36.479
definitely coming out for the opening week, brother.

01:21:37.380 --> 01:21:39.680
That's Kerry at the bar while it's being built

01:21:39.680 --> 01:21:42.560
right now. That's Mitzi's. Do opening week like...

01:21:42.800 --> 01:21:45.119
We don't know, but it'll probably be somewhere

01:21:45.119 --> 01:21:47.659
around January. Give us a lot of notice. I'm

01:21:47.659 --> 01:21:49.739
going to be in Europe all January. I'll wait.

01:21:49.840 --> 01:21:51.359
I'll wait for you. What are you doing in Europe?

01:21:52.140 --> 01:21:54.100
We're going to have some soft openings anyway.

01:21:54.380 --> 01:21:56.899
I think I'm going in April, too. Maybe we'll

01:21:56.899 --> 01:21:59.000
meet up somewhere. Where are you guys going?

01:21:59.000 --> 01:22:02.439
In Europe? European tours. The only thing I'm

01:22:02.439 --> 01:22:05.079
doing is England. I'm going over to London. Oh,

01:22:05.119 --> 01:22:07.359
dude. In the middle of the month. I took Norman

01:22:07.359 --> 01:22:10.220
and almost killed that motherfucker. Oh, yeah.

01:22:10.300 --> 01:22:11.579
That was his first trip out there. He goes, how

01:22:11.579 --> 01:22:13.819
do I hang with Bird? I'm like, throw some drinks

01:22:13.819 --> 01:22:17.079
into a planter or something. Yeah, he said that

01:22:17.079 --> 01:22:20.439
thing about you. He was like, we get up, we drink,

01:22:20.460 --> 01:22:22.300
and... The next morning I'm like, oh, I feel

01:22:22.300 --> 01:22:23.579
like I'm shitting blood. And then Bert's like,

01:22:23.720 --> 01:22:27.260
you want to go for a run? No. Well, I think that's

01:22:27.260 --> 01:22:29.640
what keeps you healthy. That keeps you balanced

01:22:29.640 --> 01:22:32.960
is that you do exercise. Like you put two stressors

01:22:32.960 --> 01:22:35.180
on your body. You put the alcohol stressor and

01:22:35.180 --> 01:22:37.340
then you jack up your metabolism and all your

01:22:37.340 --> 01:22:39.180
fucking hormones and everything for running and

01:22:39.180 --> 01:22:42.260
exercise. It's the part that I miss. And it's

01:22:42.260 --> 01:22:44.659
weird because I don't have the punitive voice

01:22:44.659 --> 01:22:47.439
in my head where I wake up and I go. All right,

01:22:47.439 --> 01:22:49.060
you did this yourself. Let's fucking go. Let's

01:22:49.060 --> 01:22:50.840
get up. Like this morning, my alarm went off

01:22:50.840 --> 01:22:53.199
at 630 and I was like, ah, I'll just keep sleeping.

01:22:53.199 --> 01:22:55.600
I feel good. And I'll get it. I'll do the podcast.

01:22:55.680 --> 01:22:58.920
I'll work out tonight. But if I drank last night,

01:22:58.979 --> 01:23:01.239
I'd be up at 6 .30 in the gym. It would motivate

01:23:01.239 --> 01:23:03.239
you to go. It motivates me to fucking work out.

01:23:03.239 --> 01:23:05.159
That's great, man. That's a great balance. I

01:23:05.159 --> 01:23:07.340
wish you didn't drink as much. That's why I was

01:23:07.340 --> 01:23:08.960
trying to tell you last night, just smoke more

01:23:08.960 --> 01:23:12.359
weed. Weed doesn't have the effect on your body.

01:23:12.880 --> 01:23:14.760
That's why I miss the most during Sober October

01:23:14.760 --> 01:23:17.619
is weed. I don't necessarily miss the booze.

01:23:17.859 --> 01:23:20.819
My face looks better. I don't have the deep bags

01:23:20.819 --> 01:23:23.579
under my eyes when I don't drink. I know it's

01:23:23.579 --> 01:23:25.340
doing something bad to me. My brother sent me

01:23:25.340 --> 01:23:27.039
a picture of Bert and was like, oh, look, his

01:23:27.039 --> 01:23:29.000
skin looks better already. And then I was laughing

01:23:29.000 --> 01:23:30.859
at it, but he goes, I was actually being serious.

01:23:31.100 --> 01:23:34.380
Yeah. My skin looks a lot better. My skin looks

01:23:34.380 --> 01:23:37.100
better and I deflate. I was telling this to Ari.

01:23:37.539 --> 01:23:40.359
The number one thing that I noticed, I deflate,

01:23:40.399 --> 01:23:45.420
my face deflates in a second. I have had times

01:23:45.420 --> 01:23:48.560
where I've been partying so hard that my phone

01:23:48.560 --> 01:23:51.899
won't recognize my face. Because I just bloated.

01:23:52.020 --> 01:23:56.220
Jesus Christ. Really? His phone was like, who

01:23:56.220 --> 01:23:57.979
the fuck is this? Who are you? Who's this Chinese

01:23:57.979 --> 01:24:00.819
guy? You need a phone with a fingerprint thing.

01:24:00.840 --> 01:24:02.460
You need to get an Android. You know the thing

01:24:02.460 --> 01:24:05.319
that I feel like I try to tackle the most and

01:24:05.319 --> 01:24:07.420
I struggle with the most is sleep. What do you

01:24:07.420 --> 01:24:10.479
mean? Just that overall, if you go like, I like

01:24:10.479 --> 01:24:12.760
working out. so like if i get into a habit of

01:24:12.760 --> 01:24:15.359
working out it's not i mean the workouts can

01:24:15.359 --> 01:24:17.600
be challenging but it's not like man i don't

01:24:17.600 --> 01:24:20.060
like doing this you know so like you tackle that

01:24:20.060 --> 01:24:22.500
and then like eating that could be a challenge

01:24:22.500 --> 01:24:24.659
but again like if you fart if you start like

01:24:24.659 --> 01:24:26.659
eating salads you're fine well just start eating

01:24:26.659 --> 01:24:29.039
like a healthy hat you just build the habit yeah

01:24:29.039 --> 01:24:31.399
the thing that is i think the hardest for me

01:24:31.399 --> 01:24:34.300
to to master and i try to like think about it

01:24:34.300 --> 01:24:36.720
more is just getting good sleep have you ever

01:24:36.720 --> 01:24:39.039
tried one of those like eight sleep mattresses

01:24:39.039 --> 01:24:42.689
that cool you off No. I have one and I haven't

01:24:42.689 --> 01:24:45.029
set it up yet, but every one that uses it says

01:24:45.029 --> 01:24:47.409
it's a fucking game changer. Can I give you a

01:24:47.409 --> 01:24:49.510
tip? I try to think about it more, too. I realize

01:24:49.510 --> 01:24:52.270
that I used to think that sleep happens to you.

01:24:52.350 --> 01:24:54.909
So you go like, tonight was good. I don't know,

01:24:54.930 --> 01:24:57.470
man. You know what I mean? It just happens. And

01:24:57.470 --> 01:25:00.810
sort of start thinking in terms of like, you

01:25:00.810 --> 01:25:04.810
know, I'm in charge of at least attempting to

01:25:04.810 --> 01:25:06.390
make this a good night of sleep. Can I give you

01:25:06.390 --> 01:25:08.500
a tip? Yeah. Don't look at your phone for an

01:25:08.500 --> 01:25:09.680
hour and a half before you go to sleep. That's

01:25:09.680 --> 01:25:12.100
a good one. That shit that's in there does something

01:25:12.100 --> 01:25:13.579
to your eyes. I look at my phone right before

01:25:13.579 --> 01:25:15.220
I go to sleep. I sleep like a brick. You're a

01:25:15.220 --> 01:25:17.460
monkey. I listen to podcasts while I sleep. You

01:25:17.460 --> 01:25:19.739
do? And then have dreams that I'm fucking in

01:25:19.739 --> 01:25:21.939
history. My wife has a hard time sleeping. It

01:25:21.939 --> 01:25:23.739
drives her crazy. I could fall asleep on the

01:25:23.739 --> 01:25:25.840
dirt. Yeah, I can. I could just lay down on dirt

01:25:25.840 --> 01:25:28.460
ground. Have you guys started the withdrawal

01:25:28.460 --> 01:25:30.939
dreams yet? I had one last night. Oh, my withdrawal

01:25:30.939 --> 01:25:33.140
dreams are horrific, like being chased by wolves

01:25:33.140 --> 01:25:36.159
and shit. What? Yeah, they're all violent. All

01:25:36.159 --> 01:25:38.579
my withdrawal dreams from marijuana. That's so

01:25:38.579 --> 01:25:40.579
crazy. I think it probably reveals to me who

01:25:40.579 --> 01:25:45.180
you are. They're so violent. It's so crazy. Really?

01:25:45.180 --> 01:25:47.979
All violence. My dreams are all violence. That's

01:25:47.979 --> 01:25:50.699
so nuts. Last night my dream was that Aaron Judge

01:25:50.699 --> 01:25:53.920
came in for a pinch hit home run. Really? That

01:25:53.920 --> 01:25:56.239
was your dream? I'm being chased by wolves and

01:25:56.239 --> 01:25:57.359
I'm trying to figure out if I should climb a

01:25:57.359 --> 01:25:59.899
tree. I fought a dude because he was pissed off

01:25:59.899 --> 01:26:02.800
that I fucked up his boat. They're all violent.

01:26:03.140 --> 01:26:05.880
But I've been involved in violence for so long.

01:26:06.039 --> 01:26:08.800
Yeah, and you witness violence a lot. I am so

01:26:08.800 --> 01:26:10.699
used to people getting injured. I've told this

01:26:10.699 --> 01:26:13.060
story before, but one time my wife, we had a

01:26:13.060 --> 01:26:15.920
hatchback, and she was taking something out of

01:26:15.920 --> 01:26:17.539
the back of the trunk, and she stood up, and

01:26:17.539 --> 01:26:19.439
she didn't know that the corner of the hatchback

01:26:19.439 --> 01:26:21.920
was right there, and she cut her head, and she's

01:26:21.920 --> 01:26:25.079
bleeding. Pouring blood down her face, and I

01:26:25.079 --> 01:26:26.680
look at him like it's nothing. It's like a tiny

01:26:26.680 --> 01:26:29.460
little cut like Like it didn't bother me at all

01:26:29.460 --> 01:26:31.180
yeah I was like that's nothing they could put

01:26:31.180 --> 01:26:33.180
some crazy glue on it or we can go to the doctor's

01:26:33.180 --> 01:26:37.680
like fucking crazy glue I'm like thinking about

01:26:37.680 --> 01:26:39.619
it what I would do like if I look at that cut

01:26:39.619 --> 01:26:41.220
I would go ah we got crazy glue I'll put a little

01:26:41.220 --> 01:26:42.699
crazy glue in there and squeeze it together and

01:26:42.699 --> 01:26:44.500
put a little band -aid on it and be alright But

01:26:44.500 --> 01:26:46.739
like I'm so used to seeing people injured. She's

01:26:46.739 --> 01:26:48.399
gonna know that's your love language. I've seen

01:26:48.970 --> 01:26:52.050
A thousand people knocked unconscious. Yeah.

01:26:52.329 --> 01:26:56.329
Like real close. In front. Yeah. Like from three

01:26:56.329 --> 01:26:58.569
feet away. I'm so accustomed to it. That's what

01:26:58.569 --> 01:27:00.270
I give. I know you'll never write a self -help

01:27:00.270 --> 01:27:03.529
book, but I want to find the motivators that.

01:27:03.920 --> 01:27:06.619
cause greatness like like i want like uh like

01:27:06.619 --> 01:27:08.720
i liked cam haynes's book because he talked about

01:27:08.720 --> 01:27:10.520
his father and his relationship with his father

01:27:10.520 --> 01:27:13.520
yeah his father being a runner and how that and

01:27:13.520 --> 01:27:15.939
like ultimately like how that drives him to run

01:27:15.939 --> 01:27:17.680
because it's something he's trying to like i

01:27:17.680 --> 01:27:20.880
can connect with broken parts of men where i

01:27:20.880 --> 01:27:23.739
can find that brokenness in me and go oh shit

01:27:23.739 --> 01:27:25.359
because i was like oh maybe that's why i fucking

01:27:25.359 --> 01:27:28.520
run my dad was a runner oh shit and then you

01:27:28.520 --> 01:27:30.579
start going oh this is normal this is part of

01:27:31.130 --> 01:27:33.789
You know, I'd be curious to know, because you're

01:27:33.789 --> 01:27:36.869
a pretty weird dude with like motivation, you

01:27:36.869 --> 01:27:38.649
know, like what motivates you to work out is

01:27:38.649 --> 01:27:40.229
like, well, I think about people raping my family.

01:27:40.369 --> 01:27:41.890
I would love to get to the base. I don't think

01:27:41.890 --> 01:27:43.989
about people raping my family. What the fuck

01:27:43.989 --> 01:27:45.850
is wrong? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you

01:27:45.850 --> 01:27:49.329
do. No, I don't. No, but you have said like,

01:27:49.430 --> 01:27:51.770
this is birding. He's birdifying it. You said

01:27:51.770 --> 01:27:53.270
like, I think about people trying to kill me.

01:27:53.760 --> 01:27:55.479
You've said that before. Well, I definitely do

01:27:55.479 --> 01:27:57.439
if I'm getting tired. So if I'm in the middle

01:27:57.439 --> 01:28:00.420
of a workout and I'm tired, I say, imagine if

01:28:00.420 --> 01:28:02.920
I had saved a loved one's life right now. Like,

01:28:02.979 --> 01:28:05.479
how would I respond? I'd just get angry. And

01:28:05.479 --> 01:28:06.720
I'm sure there's rape in there. That's why I

01:28:06.720 --> 01:28:09.359
meant. Don't think about that. Bert puts himself

01:28:09.359 --> 01:28:11.279
in the place of the attacker. And he goes, well,

01:28:11.340 --> 01:28:12.739
if I was there, I may as well get some rapes

01:28:12.739 --> 01:28:14.859
in. I'm killing you. I'm not going to rape you,

01:28:14.880 --> 01:28:17.479
too. I mean, it's not like an extra charge. I'm

01:28:17.479 --> 01:28:19.279
going to jail forever. Whenever you see a serial

01:28:19.279 --> 01:28:20.739
killer who doesn't rape, you're like, what the

01:28:20.739 --> 01:28:22.699
fuck are you doing, dude? Maximize your time.

01:28:23.050 --> 01:28:25.189
Yeah, I just, I don't know. It's so crazy if

01:28:25.189 --> 01:28:29.750
you're going to kill not to rape. I agree. Save

01:28:29.750 --> 01:28:32.949
one for after death. That was the Bundy way.

01:28:33.069 --> 01:28:36.010
That was so new. It is nicer. Most people would

01:28:36.010 --> 01:28:38.270
rape and then kill. Bundy was like, I'm going

01:28:38.270 --> 01:28:39.630
to kill you first. Change of the game. Yeah.

01:28:42.619 --> 01:28:44.800
I mean, have you guys seen the Dahmer thing on

01:28:44.800 --> 01:28:47.239
Netflix? Deep, deep. I've heard it's fucking

01:28:47.239 --> 01:28:49.380
great. It's really, really well done. There's

01:28:49.380 --> 01:28:52.300
a little bit of, you know, they obviously dramatize

01:28:52.300 --> 01:28:55.159
it to be compelling television. How can you dramatize

01:28:55.159 --> 01:28:57.439
that story? They dramatize the story in terms

01:28:57.439 --> 01:28:59.100
of there are things that are not factually accurate,

01:28:59.319 --> 01:29:01.399
but there's things that are factually accurate,

01:29:01.539 --> 01:29:04.199
too. But that kid is fucking, Evan Peters, I

01:29:04.199 --> 01:29:06.399
think, plays him. He's phenomenal. Yeah. Yeah,

01:29:06.420 --> 01:29:08.560
and there's, I mean, it's dark. It's fucking,

01:29:08.720 --> 01:29:12.159
it's really well done. I did a commercial. With

01:29:12.159 --> 01:29:14.300
the last guy You know who was Who's the fucking

01:29:14.300 --> 01:29:18.680
Arrow guy from Marvel Chris Pine Hawkeye Yeah

01:29:18.680 --> 01:29:21.359
Hawkeye Shotgun McGee The guy who plays him Yeah

01:29:21.359 --> 01:29:23.739
He's a nice guy Jeremy Renner Yeah One of my

01:29:23.739 --> 01:29:25.979
first My first commercial He was doing one And

01:29:25.979 --> 01:29:28.720
he was like Broke And he was getting sagged Like

01:29:28.720 --> 01:29:30.060
we'll give you some money To pay your rent Kind

01:29:30.060 --> 01:29:33.800
of thing And he goes Yeah I got a movie It hasn't

01:29:33.800 --> 01:29:35.960
come out yet But we'll see And it was just like

01:29:35.960 --> 01:29:38.850
Independent Jeffrey Dahmer movie Oh, right, because

01:29:38.850 --> 01:29:40.909
he played Dahmer, too. And then just launched

01:29:40.909 --> 01:29:43.689
him after that. Oh, shit. He was one of those

01:29:43.689 --> 01:29:45.829
Jason Bourne guys in one of the movies. He was,

01:29:45.829 --> 01:29:47.890
but that one didn't do as great. But it was good.

01:29:48.670 --> 01:29:52.449
Yeah. Compared to the other ones? No. No. It's

01:29:52.449 --> 01:29:53.869
tough to take over a franchise. Yeah, to take

01:29:53.869 --> 01:29:56.890
over. I liked him in The Town. He was a badass

01:29:56.890 --> 01:29:59.010
with Ben Fleck. Oh, yeah. That's right. He was

01:29:59.010 --> 01:30:00.890
in The Town, too. He's fucking great. He was

01:30:00.890 --> 01:30:02.770
a nice dude. There he is. Yeah. That guy's a

01:30:02.770 --> 01:30:05.109
bad motherfucker. How different is that look

01:30:05.109 --> 01:30:06.989
to Dahmer to the new look to Dahmer? The new

01:30:06.989 --> 01:30:08.789
look to Dahmer, it really looks like Dahmer.

01:30:08.909 --> 01:30:11.590
This guy. That's pretty close. Yeah, that guy's

01:30:11.590 --> 01:30:15.710
pretty close. He does the Wisconsin accent. I

01:30:15.710 --> 01:30:18.470
gotta say, I fucking hate Hawkeye, though. That

01:30:18.470 --> 01:30:20.630
stupid Marvel character. All he has is a bow

01:30:20.630 --> 01:30:23.289
and arrow. It's so dumb. Everybody else is the

01:30:23.289 --> 01:30:25.710
Hulk, and they fucking can do crazy shit, and

01:30:25.710 --> 01:30:28.850
Doctor Strange can summon other universes, and

01:30:28.850 --> 01:30:30.350
this dude's just shooting shitty arrows. I have

01:30:30.350 --> 01:30:35.140
arrows. There's aliens flying around in spaceships,

01:30:35.140 --> 01:30:36.500
and he's shooting arrows at them. I'm like, this

01:30:36.500 --> 01:30:38.840
is so dumb. And he never runs out of arrows.

01:30:38.899 --> 01:30:40.920
I can't get into any of those movies. Oh, are

01:30:40.920 --> 01:30:43.819
you kidding me? It's all so paced by numbers.

01:30:44.020 --> 01:30:46.180
Anybody new comes in, they have a beef, like,

01:30:46.220 --> 01:30:47.619
it's my crew, not your crew. I mean, I've gone

01:30:47.619 --> 01:30:50.560
to see them, and you just go, the thing is that

01:30:50.560 --> 01:30:52.720
there's, you know the blueprint of the film.

01:30:52.819 --> 01:30:54.890
You know the blueprint. So I like. more surprised

01:30:54.890 --> 01:30:57.609
because like you know you see the conflict coming

01:30:57.609 --> 01:30:59.390
and then you go this is gonna have him down for

01:30:59.390 --> 01:31:02.250
a little bit then the bad guy's gonna you know

01:31:02.250 --> 01:31:04.529
look like he's gonna win this thing and then

01:31:04.529 --> 01:31:07.170
he will beat him yeah or even if the bad guy

01:31:07.170 --> 01:31:09.930
wins then they go uh we uh we went back in time

01:31:09.930 --> 01:31:12.270
and what's wild is that they're they do billions

01:31:12.270 --> 01:31:14.789
at the box office every time because america

01:31:14.789 --> 01:31:17.050
i love them too i love them they're fun they're

01:31:17.050 --> 01:31:19.630
well i grew up reading comic books yeah But I

01:31:19.630 --> 01:31:21.850
like a dark one. I like when they show the real

01:31:21.850 --> 01:31:24.590
conflict of something. Like the Watchmen? Watchmen

01:31:24.590 --> 01:31:26.109
or Dark Knight. The Dark Knight stuff. When they

01:31:26.109 --> 01:31:28.750
made Batman have like... The Dark Knight stuff

01:31:28.750 --> 01:31:31.050
was unbelievable. Venom was cool. With Chris

01:31:31.050 --> 01:31:33.130
Nolan stuff? Yeah, that was great. Those were

01:31:33.130 --> 01:31:35.270
amazing. Those were great. A conflicted superhero.

01:31:35.689 --> 01:31:37.130
Yeah. The problem with Batman is he's just a

01:31:37.130 --> 01:31:39.090
rich guy. Yeah. Like, why does he got all that

01:31:39.090 --> 01:31:41.289
stuff? Yeah. Where does he get all these powers

01:31:41.289 --> 01:31:43.850
from? He's got none. He's at the peak of what

01:31:43.850 --> 01:31:46.750
you can do if you train. But it's not real. He's

01:31:46.750 --> 01:31:49.979
Bert if you stop drinking. I'm Batman. You're

01:31:49.979 --> 01:31:52.760
Batman. You're Batman. Maybe I'll lean into just

01:31:52.760 --> 01:31:57.579
do like November weed. Just weed? Just weed November.

01:31:57.819 --> 01:31:59.960
I'd love to be a weed guy, but it's just not

01:31:59.960 --> 01:32:02.079
my thing. Well, you just like to get crazy and

01:32:02.079 --> 01:32:03.699
take your shirt off. When you took your shirt

01:32:03.699 --> 01:32:05.500
off last night on stage and the place went nuts,

01:32:05.600 --> 01:32:07.539
there was a lady in the front row that got up

01:32:07.539 --> 01:32:09.560
and started doing this. I didn't have to say

01:32:09.560 --> 01:32:10.979
his name. I was like, hey, this is my friend.

01:32:11.079 --> 01:32:12.920
And then you just walked. I was like, yeah, why

01:32:12.920 --> 01:32:15.359
did I introduce you? They went crazy. And then

01:32:15.359 --> 01:32:16.739
you took the shirt off and took it to another

01:32:16.739 --> 01:32:19.289
level. That was great fun last night. That was

01:32:19.289 --> 01:32:21.010
a lot of fun. That was great fun last night.

01:32:21.109 --> 01:32:22.930
That was so much fun. It's really important to

01:32:22.930 --> 01:32:25.289
do, I've found since the last time I did a spot

01:32:25.289 --> 01:32:27.310
there, it's really important to do short sets

01:32:27.310 --> 01:32:32.720
to stay loose in what you're doing. talent is,

01:32:32.840 --> 01:32:36.140
but it does not translate to theaters or arenas.

01:32:36.180 --> 01:32:39.260
What do you mean? So much more conversational.

01:32:39.359 --> 01:32:40.880
So much more conversational, so much more fun,

01:32:41.020 --> 01:32:42.939
so much more interactive, and then you go to

01:32:42.939 --> 01:32:45.760
an arena, and you're like, if you talk to one

01:32:45.760 --> 01:32:47.359
person in the front row, then there's fucking

01:32:47.359 --> 01:32:50.359
12 ,000 other people going, I don't know what

01:32:50.359 --> 01:32:51.619
that guy looks like. No, it's definitely different.

01:32:52.840 --> 01:32:55.279
There's different timing. When I started doing

01:32:55.279 --> 01:32:57.880
theaters, Tom texted me and was like, he called

01:32:57.880 --> 01:33:00.590
me and he was like, just letting you know. It's

01:33:00.590 --> 01:33:02.829
a different pacing. It's a little bit of a different

01:33:02.829 --> 01:33:05.109
muscle. And I was like, no, no, I got this. And

01:33:05.109 --> 01:33:07.810
I remember my first theater gig, I was done in

01:33:07.810 --> 01:33:10.890
35 minutes. Wow. And I was like, whoa, he's right.

01:33:11.170 --> 01:33:12.909
And I was like, I don't have that much material.

01:33:13.130 --> 01:33:15.329
Like, I have a lot of fucking around with an

01:33:15.329 --> 01:33:18.390
audience and, hey, ask them a question I already

01:33:18.390 --> 01:33:20.189
have the answer to. Then, you know, that's the

01:33:20.189 --> 01:33:22.489
energy. When you do theater, you like, you got

01:33:22.489 --> 01:33:26.449
to fucking present it. Especially arenas. You

01:33:26.449 --> 01:33:28.430
got to do the bits. You got to do the written,

01:33:28.470 --> 01:33:30.489
the best stuff. But you also, on the other side,

01:33:30.550 --> 01:33:33.720
you hold laughs longer. Yeah. it's important

01:33:33.720 --> 01:33:35.279
to do that because the people are still thinking

01:33:35.279 --> 01:33:37.079
about what you just said I told Tony he was doing

01:33:37.079 --> 01:33:39.100
his first theater I think with Jeff Ross or something

01:33:39.100 --> 01:33:41.520
and I was like slow down and he goes okay and

01:33:41.520 --> 01:33:44.619
then I was like hey Tony slow down and then he's

01:33:44.619 --> 01:33:46.779
like okay and then he was afterwards like that

01:33:46.779 --> 01:33:48.819
was really good advice yeah It's a different

01:33:48.819 --> 01:33:51.119
thing. But I think it's like cross training.

01:33:51.319 --> 01:33:53.659
I think if you just do those, it's not good.

01:33:53.819 --> 01:33:55.779
Right. Because it's very difficult to come up

01:33:55.779 --> 01:33:57.079
with new material. You're not coming up with

01:33:57.079 --> 01:33:59.699
shit when you're doing 16 ,000 people. No, exactly.

01:33:59.939 --> 01:34:02.199
And you're in the round. You ain't coming up

01:34:02.199 --> 01:34:04.140
with any new ideas. Geraldo talked about it.

01:34:04.159 --> 01:34:06.899
He said it's almost a different sport. Yeah.

01:34:07.579 --> 01:34:10.119
Especially in town. Like in town club comedy

01:34:10.119 --> 01:34:12.340
where you're like not the show. And you're on

01:34:12.340 --> 01:34:14.020
top of them. Versus headline. Like if you're

01:34:14.020 --> 01:34:16.140
at the cellar, the audience is literally where

01:34:16.140 --> 01:34:18.960
you guys are. They're on top of you. You also

01:34:18.960 --> 01:34:21.880
feel like you could take a little bit of a risk

01:34:21.880 --> 01:34:25.039
in those big -ass arenas, like a new line or

01:34:25.039 --> 01:34:27.100
something, and it doesn't land, and you immediately

01:34:27.100 --> 01:34:29.000
are like, I'm going right back to what I know.

01:34:29.000 --> 01:34:31.939
Right back to the real shit. I don't know how

01:34:31.939 --> 01:34:34.640
anybody who just does arenas ever comes up with

01:34:34.640 --> 01:34:39.039
new material. You can write in those. I always

01:34:39.039 --> 01:34:41.760
do my new hours out on the road. yeah no i'm

01:34:41.760 --> 01:34:44.539
sure but it's not as easy if you try like an

01:34:44.539 --> 01:34:46.960
on the edge joke at like the stand or somewhere

01:34:46.960 --> 01:34:48.859
they don't know you and then like they don't

01:34:48.859 --> 01:34:50.439
go for it like you're just not gonna get them

01:34:50.439 --> 01:34:52.420
back they're like we've lost faith in you i don't

01:34:52.420 --> 01:34:54.039
know who you are i don't like this that's very

01:34:54.039 --> 01:34:56.100
true that happened to me in the or the other

01:34:56.100 --> 01:35:00.020
night oh i can be oh i can be a fucking a tricky

01:35:00.020 --> 01:35:01.680
whore who passes out in the middle of fucking

01:35:01.680 --> 01:35:07.189
yeah what Tricky whore that passes out in the

01:35:07.189 --> 01:35:08.649
middle of fucking. You should call the doctor.

01:35:09.090 --> 01:35:12.170
She's probably having a fentanyl overdose. I've

01:35:12.170 --> 01:35:15.189
had that. There's the OR sets that have gone

01:35:15.189 --> 01:35:19.409
down. Oh, yeah. I'm going to work on a bit here.

01:35:19.609 --> 01:35:21.829
And then you start and you're like, and then.

01:35:22.790 --> 01:35:24.590
every word that comes out of your mouth feels

01:35:24.590 --> 01:35:28.210
so scripted. And you're like, I'm trying to work,

01:35:28.310 --> 01:35:29.810
God damn it. Why won't you guys just go with

01:35:29.810 --> 01:35:31.390
me for a second? You start feeling like a phony.

01:35:31.390 --> 01:35:32.970
And then you bail on it. You're like, fuck that.

01:35:33.050 --> 01:35:34.729
If you come off the road, like when I'd open

01:35:34.729 --> 01:35:36.770
for you and I'd be presentational and stuff,

01:35:36.869 --> 01:35:38.850
and you come back to, or just headlining, you

01:35:38.850 --> 01:35:40.630
come back to the store and it's just like, oh,

01:35:40.630 --> 01:35:43.090
I'm presenting instead of talking to them. And

01:35:43.090 --> 01:35:44.630
you're following somebody who just was like.

01:35:44.710 --> 01:35:46.850
Yeah, you follow like Tony Woods or something

01:35:46.850 --> 01:35:48.949
like who's so natural. Oh, yeah. And then you're

01:35:48.949 --> 01:35:50.510
like. Tony's the most natural. The most. And

01:35:50.510 --> 01:35:52.630
you're like, you've. You've negated my game.

01:35:52.970 --> 01:35:56.029
Tony kills in the green room. Tony was in the

01:35:56.029 --> 01:35:57.590
green room, and there was this open mic -er that

01:35:57.590 --> 01:35:59.350
kept chiming. He goes, motherfucker, do you hear

01:35:59.350 --> 01:36:02.310
me talking? It was hilarious. Because it was

01:36:02.310 --> 01:36:04.430
like, you know, just a young guy who was just

01:36:04.430 --> 01:36:06.289
a little too eager and wanted to, like, chime

01:36:06.289 --> 01:36:08.029
in, too. And Tony's in the middle of his rants.

01:36:08.130 --> 01:36:09.609
And we're all just sitting there letting Tony

01:36:09.609 --> 01:36:11.670
rant. And this guy's, like, chiming in. Tony's

01:36:11.670 --> 01:36:14.489
like, motherfucker, do you hear me talking? Yeah,

01:36:14.550 --> 01:36:16.750
what car are you on at? Oh, my God. Well, the

01:36:16.750 --> 01:36:18.909
guy was cock -blocking. The guy was jumping in

01:36:18.909 --> 01:36:21.520
the middle of his... Yeah. Brilliant rant. I

01:36:21.520 --> 01:36:24.079
love a club of all the things. It's just like

01:36:24.079 --> 01:36:26.899
that's the most true. You haven't done an arena,

01:36:27.119 --> 01:36:29.579
Ari. I've not done an arena. I want to bring

01:36:29.579 --> 01:36:33.739
you with me to one of these fucking MGM grand

01:36:33.739 --> 01:36:36.460
shows. If you bring me to one, you've got to

01:36:36.460 --> 01:36:38.319
bring me to two because I'm going to adjust.

01:36:38.399 --> 01:36:40.039
I'm going to figure something out after I do

01:36:40.039 --> 01:36:44.960
it. One and done. And a watch. And a watch. Yeah,

01:36:45.060 --> 01:36:46.760
you're wearing a watch. I'm going to get you

01:36:46.760 --> 01:36:48.779
a suit. I want to get you a suit. Would you wear

01:36:48.779 --> 01:36:51.800
a suit? I have eight suits. It's the best part

01:36:51.800 --> 01:36:53.739
of my game. I get them. hand -tailored in Hong

01:36:53.739 --> 01:36:55.220
Kong. Yeah, but they look like shit. I've seen

01:36:55.220 --> 01:36:58.220
those. Fuck you! My suit game is the best in

01:36:58.220 --> 01:37:01.060
comedy. David August. What? It's the best in

01:37:01.060 --> 01:37:03.840
comedy. That's not true. It is by far true. It's

01:37:03.840 --> 01:37:06.039
not true. Who has a better suit game than me?

01:37:06.199 --> 01:37:07.180
I have pretty nice suits. What do you mean? Like,

01:37:07.180 --> 01:37:08.819
who has more suits than you? Who has cooler,

01:37:08.960 --> 01:37:11.340
more interesting, better... Nah, dude. 100%.

01:37:11.340 --> 01:37:14.680
That's terrible. You look like a Canadian that

01:37:14.680 --> 01:37:16.079
just fucking came over on a fishing boat. Look

01:37:16.079 --> 01:37:18.109
at that shit, dude. Yeah, that's like a Doug

01:37:18.109 --> 01:37:20.250
Stanhope. No, that's not a Doug Stanhope. That

01:37:20.250 --> 01:37:21.689
actually looks pretty good. That looks great.

01:37:21.750 --> 01:37:23.649
That's kind of cool. I do not own one suit. Have

01:37:23.649 --> 01:37:26.149
you thought about bringing This Is Not Happening

01:37:26.149 --> 01:37:28.310
back to some sort of a streaming platform or

01:37:28.310 --> 01:37:29.930
something? I think about it all the time. I need

01:37:29.930 --> 01:37:31.729
your and Tom's help. Let's do it. What about

01:37:31.729 --> 01:37:35.810
me? Yeah, what about her? You just left him out.

01:37:37.350 --> 01:37:40.069
That's not a bad suit. I'll give it to you. I'll

01:37:40.069 --> 01:37:41.850
give it to you. That's a nice suit. That is a

01:37:41.850 --> 01:37:42.829
cool suit. That's a pretty good suit. Thank you.

01:37:43.319 --> 01:37:46.680
My birthday shoot. When we did the MGM, when

01:37:46.680 --> 01:37:50.000
Brian Simpson, Tony, Hans Kim, and I did the

01:37:50.000 --> 01:37:52.659
MGM, we all got tailored suits from David August.

01:37:52.880 --> 01:37:55.420
That's right. Fucking incredible. I mean, there's

01:37:55.420 --> 01:37:58.039
just like a bespoke suit. Jamie, you got that

01:37:58.039 --> 01:38:00.159
photo of all of us together? Yeah, when it's

01:38:00.159 --> 01:38:02.619
made for you. When they tailor. Well, I have

01:38:02.619 --> 01:38:04.119
to wear suits that are made for me. And even

01:38:04.119 --> 01:38:06.720
then, it's tough to fit. Yeah, I'm the same way.

01:38:06.760 --> 01:38:09.520
My body, yeah. Yeah, 100%. I don't have a suit.

01:38:09.869 --> 01:38:12.789
You don't have a suit? Look at that. Yeah, you

01:38:12.789 --> 01:38:15.409
guys look clean, dude. Come on, son. Pocket squares.

01:38:15.569 --> 01:38:18.949
Look at Jamie with the sunglasses on. Those look

01:38:18.949 --> 01:38:21.069
nice. You guys look great. Jamie's right out

01:38:21.069 --> 01:38:22.609
of Pulp Fiction. This looks like Pulp Fiction.

01:38:22.710 --> 01:38:24.569
Maybe I'll get a suit at the end of Sober October.

01:38:24.930 --> 01:38:27.630
Fuck yeah. There you go. With your new measurements.

01:38:28.609 --> 01:38:31.630
You'll be able to fit into it for one week. I

01:38:31.630 --> 01:38:33.550
remember the last Sober October. But look at

01:38:33.550 --> 01:38:35.170
Tom. Remember when you guys first did the weight

01:38:35.170 --> 01:38:38.020
loss challenge? Look at Tom now. He's 208. 208,

01:38:38.060 --> 01:38:40.699
that's your new? It works out every fucking day.

01:38:40.859 --> 01:38:44.220
That's nuts. You could be under 200 pounds. Oh,

01:38:44.220 --> 01:38:47.920
yeah. Wow. Yeah, Tom could be 195 and fucking

01:38:47.920 --> 01:38:52.069
shredded. He looks good. Trying. Well, it's amazing

01:38:52.069 --> 01:38:55.109
the consistency in your workouts. I mean, the

01:38:55.109 --> 01:38:57.090
real consistency, too, is on the road. I'm on

01:38:57.090 --> 01:38:59.810
the road so much. We work out almost every day.

01:38:59.869 --> 01:39:03.210
You take a guy with you? Yeah, you do. His trainer

01:39:03.210 --> 01:39:05.829
is also an amazing photographer. He is, Sean

01:39:05.829 --> 01:39:08.270
Nix. Two birds with one stone. That's nice. Yeah,

01:39:08.270 --> 01:39:11.329
so he's a real photographer and a certified,

01:39:11.550 --> 01:39:14.090
and he's fucking jacked. So he's like, it's great

01:39:14.090 --> 01:39:16.510
because you're around somebody who's disciplined.

01:39:17.130 --> 01:39:18.989
You know what I mean? So every day it's like,

01:39:19.130 --> 01:39:21.920
you know. I look at what he eats, so I'm like,

01:39:21.939 --> 01:39:24.579
I'll eat that. What are we doing today? What

01:39:24.579 --> 01:39:26.239
workouts are we doing? I just do what he does

01:39:26.239 --> 01:39:28.060
in the workouts. Nice. Just following someone's

01:39:28.060 --> 01:39:30.039
example, and then it becomes a habit. That's

01:39:30.039 --> 01:39:32.319
definitely easier to farm it off to someone.

01:39:32.560 --> 01:39:35.420
Oh, yeah. I'm bringing my trainer on the road

01:39:35.420 --> 01:39:37.319
with me in October. Look at this. Look at this

01:39:37.319 --> 01:39:40.000
motherfucker going. Damn, dude. Look how thin

01:39:40.000 --> 01:39:41.939
you are, dude. Is that Tom? No, that's Sean.

01:39:42.159 --> 01:39:44.640
That's Sean. I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom. No,

01:39:44.659 --> 01:39:47.060
that's Sean. Yeah, that's cool. You guys cut

01:39:47.060 --> 01:39:49.600
your hair like People always they're like you

01:39:49.600 --> 01:39:51.140
guys brothers and I'm always like and that's

01:39:51.140 --> 01:39:54.659
who's that one. That's his Yeah, yeah, you really

01:39:54.659 --> 01:39:57.079
do have the same hair Pretty fucking similar

01:39:57.079 --> 01:40:00.520
But that is that is a huge thing that you could

01:40:00.520 --> 01:40:02.300
do to bring someone on the road with you and

01:40:02.300 --> 01:40:04.819
train with them Yeah, you get shit done, but

01:40:04.819 --> 01:40:07.539
look out then you are dude. You're so much smaller.

01:40:07.760 --> 01:40:10.159
It's kind of than that even yeah Good you feel

01:40:10.159 --> 01:40:12.600
I feel great man. Yeah great. I mean, I'm you

01:40:12.600 --> 01:40:15.890
know you start moving You know, better. Lighter.

01:40:17.609 --> 01:40:19.329
Joints feel better. Everything feels better.

01:40:19.670 --> 01:40:21.949
How's your arm doing? It's much better, man.

01:40:22.069 --> 01:40:24.289
I mean, I'm going for another follow -up for

01:40:24.289 --> 01:40:26.750
the nerve stuff in like a couple weeks, but it's...

01:40:26.750 --> 01:40:29.069
Do you like that? Put your hand out there. And

01:40:29.069 --> 01:40:31.090
you can clutch and everything? Oh, yeah. All

01:40:31.090 --> 01:40:33.329
good? Oh, yeah. Shout out to your doctor. Yeah,

01:40:33.329 --> 01:40:37.590
Dr. Saruya did this one. Your grip strength is

01:40:37.590 --> 01:40:40.439
definitely... still weaker than the right hand

01:40:40.439 --> 01:40:44.199
and There is weight. There's weight where your

01:40:44.199 --> 01:40:48.140
wrist will eventually collapse your weight The

01:40:48.140 --> 01:40:49.859
the weight will collect so like if I'm holding

01:40:49.859 --> 01:40:53.239
dumbbells, you know, like and I can do I can

01:40:53.239 --> 01:40:55.479
like I can hold them But at a certain way, let's

01:40:55.479 --> 01:40:57.479
say they're like, you know, like 60 pound dumbbells

01:40:57.479 --> 01:40:59.779
or something I'll start I'll be fine here and

01:40:59.779 --> 01:41:01.439
you'll see this one just will start to go like

01:41:01.439 --> 01:41:05.470
like that. Do you do wrist curls? No. Is it still

01:41:05.470 --> 01:41:07.729
recuperating? Oh, yeah. It's a three -year recovery,

01:41:07.890 --> 01:41:09.989
the nervous. Wow. You know what I love about

01:41:09.989 --> 01:41:11.829
it is rollers, where you've got a roller with

01:41:11.829 --> 01:41:13.210
a cord and the weights at the bottom, and you

01:41:13.210 --> 01:41:16.529
do this shit. Oh, yeah. And you lost that basketball

01:41:16.529 --> 01:41:19.270
game before? You were already losing? No. Well,

01:41:19.329 --> 01:41:22.909
we'd lost the game, then we did our dunk contest.

01:41:24.489 --> 01:41:27.390
Tate Fletcher gave me a great speech about getting

01:41:27.390 --> 01:41:30.180
hurt. Because we all went on this crazy hike.

01:41:30.239 --> 01:41:32.720
And he was like, you know how I talk out my ass?

01:41:33.220 --> 01:41:35.600
And Tate just is not having it. And he was like,

01:41:35.659 --> 01:41:37.840
you're a decommissioned athlete. He was like,

01:41:37.859 --> 01:41:40.020
you think your body is what it was when you were

01:41:40.020 --> 01:41:41.939
a kid. And it's not. And that's how you get fucking

01:41:41.939 --> 01:41:43.859
hurt. That's how you get hurt. You think you

01:41:43.859 --> 01:41:44.939
can do everything you could do when you were

01:41:44.939 --> 01:41:46.000
a kid because you could do it when you were a

01:41:46.000 --> 01:41:47.439
kid? You can't do it. That's how you get hurt.

01:41:47.760 --> 01:41:49.819
And I was like, that was the first time I was

01:41:49.819 --> 01:41:51.100
like, oh, that's what happened when we played

01:41:51.100 --> 01:41:53.000
basketball. That's 100 % what happened. And we

01:41:53.000 --> 01:41:55.939
also did something that. I mean, it's exactly

01:41:55.939 --> 01:41:57.979
what he's saying, but especially when you get

01:41:57.979 --> 01:42:00.560
into jumping. Yeah, a doctor would say that.

01:42:00.579 --> 01:42:02.220
If you don't jump all the time, then you go,

01:42:02.239 --> 01:42:04.159
I'm going to jump my ass off today. You have

01:42:04.159 --> 01:42:05.659
explosive movement, but you don't have explosive

01:42:05.659 --> 01:42:08.319
strength. Yeah. So it's like in between time.

01:42:08.479 --> 01:42:10.600
Like a 75 -year -old would never think to jump.

01:42:10.659 --> 01:42:13.560
Of course. All the stabilizer muscles. Yeah.

01:42:13.720 --> 01:42:15.479
You got to like work it. We played basketball

01:42:15.479 --> 01:42:17.819
last week, though. Played two on two and played

01:42:17.819 --> 01:42:20.779
full game. What are you going to drop down to?

01:42:20.939 --> 01:42:23.020
Do you have a goal? No, because, you know, I.

01:42:23.390 --> 01:42:26.649
I remember being real fat as a freshman in college

01:42:26.649 --> 01:42:29.329
and losing weight and thinking that a number

01:42:29.329 --> 01:42:32.609
was the goal. At first, I was like, I want to

01:42:32.609 --> 01:42:36.489
weigh 225 because I saw NFL linebackers. I was

01:42:36.489 --> 01:42:39.409
like, that's a good weight. And then I got down

01:42:39.409 --> 01:42:41.369
to 225. I'm like, I don't look like them. So

01:42:41.369 --> 01:42:44.649
I just kept losing weight. And even now, I'm

01:42:44.649 --> 01:42:49.600
208, 209. I feel like if I go, oh, it's 200.

01:42:49.819 --> 01:42:52.020
I'd rather just focus on what I feel like and

01:42:52.020 --> 01:42:53.779
look like and go like that's the weight that

01:42:53.779 --> 01:42:56.420
I'd rather be at than hunt the number. You know

01:42:56.420 --> 01:42:57.659
what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense. I think

01:42:57.659 --> 01:42:59.699
I'll. Because also like you're gaining muscle.

01:43:00.079 --> 01:43:01.779
Yeah. Right. So your weight is getting higher,

01:43:01.840 --> 01:43:03.680
but your body fat is getting lower. Yeah. So

01:43:03.680 --> 01:43:05.640
I don't know what the final number will be. I

01:43:05.640 --> 01:43:09.699
think it's definitely, I have a build that I

01:43:09.699 --> 01:43:12.560
should be like between 190 and 200, I think.

01:43:12.579 --> 01:43:14.439
You know, that's what I think I should be. And

01:43:14.439 --> 01:43:17.960
so that's like. Kind of like the range, yeah.

01:43:18.079 --> 01:43:20.220
But as you're putting on muscle, I mean, maybe

01:43:20.220 --> 01:43:22.060
you'll be heavier. Maybe I'll be heavier, yeah.

01:43:22.260 --> 01:43:25.060
Yeah, I put on muscle pretty quickly. What do

01:43:25.060 --> 01:43:28.100
you weigh now? 80 ,000 pounds. Is it 80 ,000,

01:43:28.100 --> 01:43:32.260
Bert? Is it over or less than 80 ,000? It's so

01:43:32.260 --> 01:43:34.920
funny. Would you say it's over? I think under

01:43:34.920 --> 01:43:37.600
now because of a few days, but I'd do it in stone.

01:43:40.579 --> 01:43:44.140
But wait, but be honest. What were you up to

01:43:44.140 --> 01:43:46.560
a couple months ago? Because you were at 265.

01:43:47.239 --> 01:43:49.800
265. 265. I told that to, who did I tell that

01:43:49.800 --> 01:43:52.340
to? I told that to like a. That's Francis Ngannou's

01:43:52.340 --> 01:43:54.479
weight. They look the same. That's how I thought

01:43:54.479 --> 01:43:56.859
I would look at 225. I was like. I was talking

01:43:56.859 --> 01:43:59.279
to like a man. Like when you talk to like men.

01:43:59.819 --> 01:44:01.560
It's different than, you're a man, but, like,

01:44:01.579 --> 01:44:05.279
us. So, like, if you say that. What? You hold

01:44:05.279 --> 01:44:07.720
people to a standard. Like, an athlete, if you've

01:44:07.720 --> 01:44:10.159
competed at a high level, you see things at a

01:44:10.159 --> 01:44:14.000
high level. Like, you know, like Eddie. It's

01:44:14.000 --> 01:44:16.819
hard to bullshit with Eddie about, like, false

01:44:16.819 --> 01:44:18.840
claims. Right. About exercise and stuff. About

01:44:18.840 --> 01:44:21.199
physical fitness. So I said to someone, I goes,

01:44:21.199 --> 01:44:23.779
how much were you at your heaviest? I said, 265.

01:44:23.859 --> 01:44:25.979
He goes, 270? I went, no, 265. He goes, no, no,

01:44:26.000 --> 01:44:27.930
no, no. Let's be very clear. There were days

01:44:27.930 --> 01:44:29.390
you were 270. You just didn't get on the scale.

01:44:29.510 --> 01:44:31.689
Wow. Oh, yeah, you're right. Probably 270. Oh,

01:44:31.689 --> 01:44:35.350
right. Yeah, yeah. It's the way a man works,

01:44:35.649 --> 01:44:38.390
you know? I go 265. That's the day I stepped

01:44:38.390 --> 01:44:40.250
on the scale thinking I was really 250. I was

01:44:40.250 --> 01:44:42.930
211 when I got back from Italy. Damn. That's

01:44:42.930 --> 01:44:45.109
big for you. Fat as fuck, dude. I had a roll.

01:44:45.409 --> 01:44:47.529
What? I was feeling a roll right here. Damn.

01:44:47.550 --> 01:44:49.789
Can I please leak that shirtless picture of you?

01:44:49.989 --> 01:44:53.510
No. Don't do that. I sent it to my wife. I go

01:44:53.510 --> 01:44:58.729
squad goals. I did a photo shoot, and I did one

01:44:58.729 --> 01:45:02.029
picture of me naked swinging a baseball bat,

01:45:02.170 --> 01:45:05.869
and just randomly I saw like a delt and a bicep,

01:45:05.869 --> 01:45:07.689
and then I spent the rest of the photo shoot

01:45:07.689 --> 01:45:10.770
trying to flex, and you can't see anything. I'm

01:45:10.770 --> 01:45:12.630
fucking sore as fuck the next day. I think I

01:45:12.630 --> 01:45:17.550
pulled my kidney. If we can get you off the booze

01:45:17.550 --> 01:45:19.890
for a long period of time and get you working

01:45:19.890 --> 01:45:22.050
out, I think you would be a fucking freak athlete.

01:45:22.090 --> 01:45:23.529
I really do. Booze alone would do it. Wait, what

01:45:23.529 --> 01:45:24.649
do you weigh now? You already work out. What

01:45:24.649 --> 01:45:26.600
do you weigh now? I really don't know. I think

01:45:26.600 --> 01:45:29.840
probably 247. When I saw you play tennis against

01:45:29.840 --> 01:45:31.800
Tom, I'm like, this motherfucker is an athlete.

01:45:31.939 --> 01:45:34.760
He has. He's an understated athlete. His golf

01:45:34.760 --> 01:45:37.859
swing is incredible. Swimming. Baseball. Hand

01:45:37.859 --> 01:45:39.220
-eye coordination. Hand -eye coordination. He

01:45:39.220 --> 01:45:41.359
can play pool, too. I know. You guys were doing

01:45:41.359 --> 01:45:43.640
Two Bears, and I heard you guys talk about archery.

01:45:43.760 --> 01:45:45.699
Yeah. One of my favorite moments ever. We were

01:45:45.699 --> 01:45:48.460
doing. I remember this. We were doing Go Big

01:45:48.460 --> 01:45:50.739
Show. And I would have bet, by the way. I knew

01:45:50.739 --> 01:45:52.619
already. I would have bet fucking 10 grand that

01:45:52.619 --> 01:45:54.930
you had done that. We had a trick archer. Up

01:45:54.930 --> 01:45:56.829
there is doing trick archery shots. I've always

01:45:56.829 --> 01:45:59.310
been I've always been into archery, but I whatever

01:45:59.310 --> 01:46:02.510
and I always know I'm pretty good at archery

01:46:02.510 --> 01:46:05.449
and so I Go hey, man. Can I see your bow and

01:46:05.449 --> 01:46:08.069
arrow? I'll take a shot. He was like Okay, and

01:46:08.069 --> 01:46:10.489
snoop is like no no that's not he's gonna fucking

01:46:10.489 --> 01:46:12.750
kill one of us and I go I go snoop I think I

01:46:12.750 --> 01:46:15.270
can do it and I know I can and he goes no we're

01:46:15.270 --> 01:46:20.109
like maybe 50 feet from the target and I line

01:46:20.109 --> 01:46:24.029
it up out of nowhere and just Bullseye and snoop

01:46:24.329 --> 01:46:28.850
lost his shit. But I like that energy more than

01:46:28.850 --> 01:46:31.829
being... I like talking shit and surprising someone

01:46:31.829 --> 01:46:35.130
than being good at something. Than working hard

01:46:35.130 --> 01:46:38.090
at something. That's party energy. It's the guy

01:46:38.090 --> 01:46:40.529
going, I can do a backflip. I'm the opposite.

01:46:40.670 --> 01:46:42.029
I just get obsessed with things until I just

01:46:42.029 --> 01:46:44.270
want to get perfected at it. And it never happens.

01:46:44.409 --> 01:46:46.729
You never perfect something, but you get closer

01:46:46.729 --> 01:46:50.250
and closer. These moments, like playing pool

01:46:50.250 --> 01:46:52.029
is a great example. There's moments where you

01:46:52.029 --> 01:46:54.300
just know exactly where the ball's going. I love

01:46:54.300 --> 01:46:56.340
that. In the zone. I'd be curious if you looked

01:46:56.340 --> 01:46:58.859
at my form and my archery and that trick shot.

01:46:59.039 --> 01:47:01.039
If you go, oh, he knows what he's doing. Well,

01:47:01.100 --> 01:47:02.640
it's a different kind of archery because what

01:47:02.640 --> 01:47:04.720
you're doing is traditional archery. What I do

01:47:04.720 --> 01:47:07.939
is like compound archery. My shit is like I use

01:47:07.939 --> 01:47:11.060
like a range finder and I have a scale on my

01:47:11.060 --> 01:47:14.659
site where I rank like at 65 yards. I'll dial

01:47:14.659 --> 01:47:17.920
it into 65 yards. And I'm shooting at 85 yards

01:47:17.920 --> 01:47:20.699
to an index card. So at 85 yards, I'm shooting

01:47:20.699 --> 01:47:22.659
at something that's this big. You couldn't do

01:47:22.659 --> 01:47:24.239
it the way you do it, Bert. It's a different

01:47:24.239 --> 01:47:26.720
thing. We went out ski shooting. I don't know

01:47:26.720 --> 01:47:29.159
how to shoot traditional archery. I'm terrible

01:47:29.159 --> 01:47:31.579
at it. I was with my family. We were in Hawaii,

01:47:31.800 --> 01:47:33.460
and they have this archery course. Oh, really?

01:47:33.539 --> 01:47:35.300
It's that different? Yeah. Well, I mean, I could

01:47:35.300 --> 01:47:38.579
do it, but I don't know how to aim. You're supposed

01:47:38.579 --> 01:47:42.159
to aim. The way I do it is with compound bow,

01:47:42.300 --> 01:47:45.659
and I pull it back, and it's all centered. The

01:47:45.659 --> 01:47:49.840
bow is matched to my frame, so I have a 28 -and

01:47:49.840 --> 01:47:51.720
-a -half -inch draw because that's how far my

01:47:51.720 --> 01:47:53.979
arms are when they're fully extended. and then

01:47:53.979 --> 01:47:58.279
the peep sight is at like exactly like 5 .7 inches

01:47:58.279 --> 01:48:01.020
here and I'm looking through this thing and I

01:48:01.020 --> 01:48:03.420
center the housing with it. It's like you're

01:48:03.420 --> 01:48:06.239
balancing all these things out together. It's

01:48:06.239 --> 01:48:09.260
very zen because in that moment, you're not thinking

01:48:09.260 --> 01:48:11.640
about anything else other than the execution

01:48:11.640 --> 01:48:14.460
of the shot and making sure it releases perfectly.

01:48:14.880 --> 01:48:17.199
And it's just, there's something about thinking

01:48:17.199 --> 01:48:21.239
about something like that overcomes, that's jujitsu

01:48:21.239 --> 01:48:23.850
and archery. and pull you don't think about anything

01:48:23.850 --> 01:48:25.829
else other than that thing while you're doing

01:48:25.829 --> 01:48:28.329
it and that is like sort of like a moving meditation

01:48:28.329 --> 01:48:31.430
archery in many ways is like a moving meditation

01:48:31.430 --> 01:48:35.130
because you're so engrossed in the technique

01:48:35.130 --> 01:48:37.930
that you don't think about anything else none

01:48:37.930 --> 01:48:40.890
no life issues nothing else and even if you'd

01:48:40.890 --> 01:48:44.060
like Never hunt or never do a competition or

01:48:44.060 --> 01:48:45.500
something. There's something about shooting a

01:48:45.500 --> 01:48:48.300
target over and over again. It just clears your

01:48:48.300 --> 01:48:50.659
mind. The cool thing about what you do from my

01:48:50.659 --> 01:48:53.600
perspective and you and Cam and all those guys,

01:48:53.779 --> 01:48:57.920
the thing I think is sexy is the fucking seeing

01:48:57.920 --> 01:49:01.380
it and then your heart's racing, holding your

01:49:01.380 --> 01:49:04.359
breath, keeping your breath, tracking it. I've

01:49:04.359 --> 01:49:07.720
watched a lot of those Rinella videos on Netflix.

01:49:08.649 --> 01:49:11.069
The energy that happens that whole moment. It's

01:49:11.069 --> 01:49:12.930
almost like finding a needle in a haystack. You

01:49:12.930 --> 01:49:15.189
finally see an elk and then you got to apply

01:49:15.189 --> 01:49:16.850
all the shit you do in your range. You got to

01:49:16.850 --> 01:49:19.569
apply it to it when you haven't slept well. You

01:49:19.569 --> 01:49:21.289
haven't slept well. You slept on a rock. Your

01:49:21.289 --> 01:49:23.770
fucking nerves are up. You get one fucking shot.

01:49:24.510 --> 01:49:26.850
That's the cool shit. You got to be still. Your

01:49:26.850 --> 01:49:28.850
heart's got to be still. There's a lot going

01:49:28.850 --> 01:49:30.989
on, man. There's a lot going on. But it's also,

01:49:31.090 --> 01:49:34.939
it's obsessive. You get obsessed by it. And I

01:49:34.939 --> 01:49:36.520
think there's something about obsession that's

01:49:36.520 --> 01:49:38.920
good for the mind. Like, getting, like, really

01:49:38.920 --> 01:49:41.159
focused on things. It keeps your mind active

01:49:41.159 --> 01:49:43.539
in a very unusual way. Do you have something

01:49:43.539 --> 01:49:47.460
like that that you like? Jerking off? Maybe stand

01:49:47.460 --> 01:49:49.399
-up. I don't know. Yeah, stand -up. Stand -up.

01:49:49.399 --> 01:49:52.520
Dude, I'm helping Big J do his special now, and

01:49:52.520 --> 01:49:55.159
that's all I think about is just, like, making

01:49:55.159 --> 01:49:57.340
sure everything's run right. Yeah. Yeah, shit

01:49:57.340 --> 01:50:00.710
like that. Yeah, man. Watching him in. Dude,

01:50:00.750 --> 01:50:03.029
when fully loaded and he was in the first time

01:50:03.029 --> 01:50:05.890
I saw him in an arena. Big J. You know, Big J

01:50:05.890 --> 01:50:09.430
is always the guy, fucks around, little fucking

01:50:09.430 --> 01:50:11.250
buzz on stage, fuck around with the audience.

01:50:12.289 --> 01:50:16.630
12 ,000 people, he sits on a stool and destroyed

01:50:16.630 --> 01:50:20.409
me, Shane, Dave Attell. We're back there watching

01:50:20.409 --> 01:50:23.840
him like. And murdered. And just didn't move.

01:50:24.000 --> 01:50:26.380
Big J. One leg out, one leg up on the stool.

01:50:26.619 --> 01:50:29.439
Eagles jersey. Just fucking destroyed. He's a

01:50:29.439 --> 01:50:32.079
fucking pro. He's such a pro. And he had this

01:50:32.079 --> 01:50:33.840
weird training where he'd always go on after

01:50:33.840 --> 01:50:36.300
a tell late night at the cellar. And he'd also

01:50:36.300 --> 01:50:38.760
open for corn and stuff. So he's doing these

01:50:38.760 --> 01:50:41.460
massive venues. He opened for corn? On their

01:50:41.460 --> 01:50:45.479
tour. On some music festival kind of tour. He

01:50:45.479 --> 01:50:47.420
did one of the hardest things, too, where we

01:50:47.420 --> 01:50:49.300
did the oddball tour a few years ago. Dude, he

01:50:49.300 --> 01:50:53.350
would open that. And everybody's like, fuck that.

01:50:53.609 --> 01:50:56.329
Like nobody wants to do it. And he embraced it.

01:50:56.390 --> 01:50:58.649
And you have people being sad and all this shit.

01:50:58.810 --> 01:51:00.569
He would fucking kill it. We went out. We had

01:51:00.569 --> 01:51:02.470
to introduce a big band at Rockin' the Range

01:51:02.470 --> 01:51:05.310
in Columbus, I think. And it was like 20 ,000

01:51:05.310 --> 01:51:07.689
people out there. And the two of us went out.

01:51:07.750 --> 01:51:09.930
Just to say also we have a comedy show. And we

01:51:09.930 --> 01:51:11.689
went out. And I'm just like, freeze. I'm like,

01:51:11.729 --> 01:51:15.329
what the fuck? And then somebody yelled out from

01:51:15.329 --> 01:51:18.250
the crowd something. And Jay just rips in, turns

01:51:18.250 --> 01:51:21.369
18 ,000 people against this one guy. And I'm

01:51:21.369 --> 01:51:24.310
like, help me, Jay. Help me, please. We had him

01:51:24.310 --> 01:51:26.130
for fully. He was going to host all the shows,

01:51:26.210 --> 01:51:28.310
just host them because he's so good at it. And

01:51:28.310 --> 01:51:30.029
that first night he went out and did it because

01:51:30.029 --> 01:51:33.130
he missed the first night. We had Dave Williamson

01:51:33.130 --> 01:51:34.750
host. Next night we're like, why don't you just

01:51:34.750 --> 01:51:37.010
do a spot and then we'll switch it up. After

01:51:37.010 --> 01:51:39.850
watching his spot, we're like, oh, man, he just

01:51:39.850 --> 01:51:43.060
needs to do sets. Fucking 20 minutes of. Just

01:51:43.060 --> 01:51:47.579
material. Fucking brilliant, man. You think he

01:51:47.579 --> 01:51:49.079
just does crowd work, but he disguises everything.

01:51:50.399 --> 01:51:53.300
He's super fun. He is one of the best crowd work

01:51:53.300 --> 01:51:55.000
guys in the country. And it's real crowd work.

01:51:55.779 --> 01:51:58.159
It's not bullshit crowd work. It's not like he

01:51:58.159 --> 01:52:00.760
has a pre -planned thing that he's going to say

01:52:00.760 --> 01:52:03.479
to people. Someone will attack him in the audience

01:52:03.479 --> 01:52:05.439
at a small club and he'll be like, okay, that's

01:52:05.439 --> 01:52:07.439
a good way of looking at it. He just stays in

01:52:07.439 --> 01:52:13.550
the pocket. Big J. In bag. impact crowd work

01:52:13.550 --> 01:52:19.229
is dangerously flawless like he underrated people

01:52:19.229 --> 01:52:21.430
forget about him people sleep on how talented

01:52:21.430 --> 01:52:25.130
that guy is we did south africa and there's like

01:52:25.130 --> 01:52:28.930
people that it's a cultural thing certain tribes

01:52:28.930 --> 01:52:33.289
or whatever had people would have dyed hair like

01:52:33.289 --> 01:52:36.170
dyed you know and one of the people running the

01:52:36.170 --> 01:52:38.310
festival is like oh yeah they're from you know

01:52:38.310 --> 01:52:41.180
whatever this group and it's a it's like a religious

01:52:41.180 --> 01:52:43.920
cultural thing and dyed orange and and he's like

01:52:43.920 --> 01:52:46.239
okay huh and he gets up there he's like you look

01:52:46.239 --> 01:52:48.600
like an orangutan you know and we were like oh

01:52:48.600 --> 01:52:52.800
my god but his delivery and the way that he says

01:52:52.800 --> 01:52:56.250
it The lady was backstage panicking, and he was

01:52:56.250 --> 01:52:58.649
just the guy, and they were all just dying. I

01:52:58.649 --> 01:53:00.449
don't know him. Are you serious? You don't know

01:53:00.449 --> 01:53:02.390
Ian Bagg? No, I don't know him. You don't know

01:53:02.390 --> 01:53:05.170
of him? I know of him. I watched him go on stage,

01:53:05.270 --> 01:53:09.789
and he does so much crowd work. He picked out

01:53:09.789 --> 01:53:12.930
what car everyone drove in the front row. You

01:53:12.930 --> 01:53:15.630
look like a Toyota Tacoma guy. Let me see a picture

01:53:15.630 --> 01:53:20.590
of Ian Bagg. He did a special for Showtime of

01:53:20.590 --> 01:53:24.289
crowd work with a few bits. And you know how

01:53:24.289 --> 01:53:27.270
sometimes that can be lost in a special? It delivered

01:53:27.270 --> 01:53:30.029
so fucking hard. Back clowns the audience. Is

01:53:30.029 --> 01:53:34.989
that it? Look at him. He is so quick. He is so

01:53:34.989 --> 01:53:38.409
fucking funny. He might be the best, actually,

01:53:38.529 --> 01:53:41.069
and no joke. You'd have to nominate him. You'd

01:53:41.069 --> 01:53:42.229
have to at least put him in the running for it.

01:53:42.270 --> 01:53:47.970
Who else does great crowd work? Ian, Jay. Jay

01:53:47.970 --> 01:53:50.470
is fantastic. I need to watch some of Ian's sets.

01:53:50.569 --> 01:53:52.720
I'm not really familiar with his material. What's

01:53:52.720 --> 01:53:54.840
your fucking deal? You know what? When you get

01:53:54.840 --> 01:53:57.119
your club open, have them come do a weekend down

01:53:57.119 --> 01:54:00.859
there, and you will be... In a minute, Joe, you're

01:54:00.859 --> 01:54:03.220
going to be like... And then at the end of the

01:54:03.220 --> 01:54:05.300
week, and tell me if I'm wrong, you'll be talking

01:54:05.300 --> 01:54:08.880
like this, too. Yeah. Titty, titty, finger bang.

01:54:09.020 --> 01:54:12.119
Sam Talent. Dude! He's a funny motherfucker.

01:54:12.560 --> 01:54:14.420
Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I got to meet him. He

01:54:14.420 --> 01:54:16.560
came down to the club when we were doing a little

01:54:16.560 --> 01:54:19.020
tour of it and showing what the construction

01:54:19.020 --> 01:54:21.539
is and everything. Got a chance to hang out with

01:54:21.539 --> 01:54:23.439
him a little bit. I like him. Funny dude, man.

01:54:23.500 --> 01:54:25.739
Cool. Super smart. Very funny guy. He wrote one

01:54:25.739 --> 01:54:27.340
of the best books on Stan. I keep hearing that.

01:54:27.399 --> 01:54:29.800
Yeah. Stan Hope gave it to me. He said it's great.

01:54:29.939 --> 01:54:31.779
The funniest thing about that book, it was great,

01:54:31.859 --> 01:54:34.119
but he had different comics read each chapter

01:54:34.119 --> 01:54:36.840
for the audio book, and how little comedians

01:54:36.840 --> 01:54:40.239
know how to actually read was just exposed. I

01:54:40.239 --> 01:54:42.859
read the first chapter. Fumbling over. I couldn't

01:54:42.859 --> 01:54:46.619
read out loud at all. I'm a bad out loud reader.

01:54:46.859 --> 01:54:49.939
My audio book. Getting your fucking text is a

01:54:49.939 --> 01:54:52.359
real experience. Oh, your text is so ridiculous.

01:54:52.640 --> 01:54:55.220
He had the drunk excuse before, but they haven't

01:54:55.220 --> 01:54:56.819
gotten much better. Do you look at them before

01:54:56.819 --> 01:54:59.079
you send them? I do not. Send it. And you're

01:54:59.079 --> 01:55:00.539
like, what? I can't see if I don't have my glasses

01:55:00.539 --> 01:55:02.720
on, so I just send it. How bad is your vision?

01:55:03.180 --> 01:55:06.840
Not I've 20 a bet amazing vision from far away,

01:55:06.960 --> 01:55:09.359
but I can't see shit up You know what would stop

01:55:09.359 --> 01:55:11.739
my vision loss dead in his truck. I started taking

01:55:11.739 --> 01:55:15.119
something called macular support Pure encapsulation

01:55:15.119 --> 01:55:17.960
macular support. Yeah, I mean my vision is not

01:55:17.960 --> 01:55:20.060
great, but mine's declining it never got worse

01:55:20.520 --> 01:55:23.300
It went to a spot where I can read my phone.

01:55:23.500 --> 01:55:26.079
Oh, I can't read my phone. It's not bad. I can

01:55:26.079 --> 01:55:29.380
read the news. Macular support. Pure encapsulation.

01:55:29.380 --> 01:55:30.939
It's got lutein and a bunch of different things

01:55:30.939 --> 01:55:32.640
in it. But I've been taking it regularly for

01:55:32.640 --> 01:55:35.600
years, and it makes a difference, man. Yeah.

01:55:35.680 --> 01:55:38.460
We'll be writing down. It's like my vision got

01:55:38.460 --> 01:55:41.600
pretty shitty. But Ari, you got the fucking surgery,

01:55:41.960 --> 01:55:44.220
and then it went bad. It didn't go bad. It's

01:55:44.220 --> 01:55:46.720
just starting to go back. Really? Yeah. I'm sorry.

01:55:46.739 --> 01:55:49.960
That happens. That happens. Because your macular

01:55:49.960 --> 01:55:52.399
degeneration continues even after you get the

01:55:52.399 --> 01:55:56.260
surgery. Ah. Yeah. Well, there's a thing now

01:55:56.260 --> 01:55:58.220
that Andrew Huberman was telling me about where

01:55:58.220 --> 01:56:01.979
it's like some sort of bacteria, and I'm going

01:56:01.979 --> 01:56:04.260
to butcher this. They inject it into your eye,

01:56:04.399 --> 01:56:08.239
and it actually corrects your vision. Whoa. And

01:56:08.239 --> 01:56:10.020
I'm like, but what if it goes bad? I'm scared

01:56:10.020 --> 01:56:12.140
of it. There's always like a 1%. My vision's

01:56:12.140 --> 01:56:15.180
not bad right now. It's like it's okay. There's

01:56:15.180 --> 01:56:17.739
this small percentage thing that happens in Lasix

01:56:17.739 --> 01:56:19.899
where somebody's vision will just go orange.

01:56:20.300 --> 01:56:23.739
Oh, no. Yeah, permanently. Well, this guy that

01:56:23.739 --> 01:56:27.359
I met, one of my daughter's friends' dads, he

01:56:27.359 --> 01:56:29.619
had the Lasix, and now he can't drive at night.

01:56:29.800 --> 01:56:33.300
He can't now. Because he sees halos. How long

01:56:33.300 --> 01:56:35.899
ago? Did it go away? No, no, he can't drive at

01:56:35.899 --> 01:56:38.760
night. Damn. He drives at night, and he can't

01:56:38.760 --> 01:56:40.819
see anything. He goes, like, all the headlights.

01:56:41.340 --> 01:56:44.739
Do you ever see what it looks like? I had it

01:56:44.739 --> 01:56:49.159
for a couple weeks. Halo vision due to Lasix.

01:56:49.380 --> 01:56:52.460
It's not good, man. Yeah, so that's what he sees.

01:56:52.600 --> 01:56:55.020
So, like, upper right -hand corner, Jamie? Upper

01:56:55.020 --> 01:56:57.319
right -hand corner? Halo? That's it. So that's

01:56:57.319 --> 01:57:00.480
what he sees. Like, when he sees a light. Everything

01:57:00.480 --> 01:57:03.640
around that light is obscured by a haze. Yeah,

01:57:03.739 --> 01:57:06.640
so he can't drive at night. Shit. At all. He's

01:57:06.640 --> 01:57:08.180
like, I see pretty good in the day. I can read

01:57:08.180 --> 01:57:10.340
books, but at nighttime, I'm fucked. He goes,

01:57:10.359 --> 01:57:12.319
so I can't drive cars. That's fucked. That's

01:57:12.319 --> 01:57:15.180
fucked. And they didn't tell him that. The second

01:57:15.180 --> 01:57:16.560
I got it, they're like, hey, but just so you

01:57:16.560 --> 01:57:17.899
know, you're nearsighted. That's still going

01:57:17.899 --> 01:57:21.359
to fade. Immediately, I couldn't see a book this

01:57:21.359 --> 01:57:24.439
close. I had to put it out. The next day, I was

01:57:24.439 --> 01:57:26.619
like, hey, dude, you said it would go away slowly.

01:57:26.840 --> 01:57:30.069
He goes, no, maybe right away. I can't. Maybe

01:57:30.069 --> 01:57:32.989
right away. I got your money, bitch. Yeah. That's

01:57:32.989 --> 01:57:35.489
my dick. I forgot that was the last picture I

01:57:35.489 --> 01:57:37.069
showed. It's sitting right there where everybody

01:57:37.069 --> 01:57:39.350
can see it. I'll put it up so everyone can see

01:57:39.350 --> 01:57:42.510
it. It's Spotify. You can show my dick. I think

01:57:42.510 --> 01:57:44.390
you can now. Yeah, there you go, guys. I don't

01:57:44.390 --> 01:57:47.189
know. We might be in trouble. Hey, this might

01:57:47.189 --> 01:57:48.850
be the one. Do you think when people, do you

01:57:48.850 --> 01:57:50.970
think, I think about death a lot, and do you

01:57:50.970 --> 01:57:52.069
think when people die, they're like, hey, put

01:57:52.069 --> 01:57:55.229
my glasses on so I can see everybody? No. I think

01:57:55.229 --> 01:57:56.949
you're thinking about dying. I think about dying

01:57:56.949 --> 01:58:00.210
a lot. Do you? I think you should look into it.

01:58:00.289 --> 01:58:02.829
Yeah, no, it's one of the benefits of Sober October

01:58:02.829 --> 01:58:05.069
is I wake up going, hey man, I'm not dying today.

01:58:06.109 --> 01:58:08.449
Wait, were you serious that your recovery is

01:58:08.449 --> 01:58:10.930
better with tequila than no drink? Hardcore better.

01:58:11.510 --> 01:58:13.250
Hardcore better? Hardcore better. Like you see

01:58:13.250 --> 01:58:16.970
the stat? I have a 98 % recovery on tequila one

01:58:16.970 --> 01:58:20.590
time. And what is it like? 70s. Let's see what

01:58:20.590 --> 01:58:22.989
it is in a week or two. But you also, you have

01:58:22.989 --> 01:58:26.010
to realize we're at day six, so your body's adapting.

01:58:26.350 --> 01:58:28.850
Yeah, that's true. There was a thing you were

01:58:28.850 --> 01:58:29.890
doing the other night, and we were going to give

01:58:29.890 --> 01:58:32.069
you a pass. It was such a brutal thing, that

01:58:32.069 --> 01:58:34.050
thing that you had to do. I couldn't take it.

01:58:34.090 --> 01:58:36.710
I wanted you to fail so bad so I could get out

01:58:36.710 --> 01:58:38.550
of it. I wanted you to fail so bad. I got your

01:58:38.550 --> 01:58:41.710
text. I got your text. You're allowed. I said

01:58:41.710 --> 01:58:44.489
three drinks, too. Yeah. Give him three drinks.

01:58:44.550 --> 01:58:45.470
You said three drinks. Because you give him one

01:58:45.470 --> 01:58:47.729
drink, and he'll be like, that's nothing. I can't

01:58:47.729 --> 01:58:49.869
drink. He can't drink. He can't have one. Well,

01:58:49.869 --> 01:58:53.109
the conversation in my head is interesting, because

01:58:53.109 --> 01:58:55.109
here's where my brain went. You said you get

01:58:55.109 --> 01:58:57.420
three drinks, and I went. And I said to Leanne,

01:58:57.460 --> 01:59:00.239
I got three drinks tonight if I want them. The

01:59:00.239 --> 01:59:02.539
problem is I'd be chasing them all night. And

01:59:02.539 --> 01:59:05.579
then that night what I did is I went out and

01:59:05.579 --> 01:59:09.859
then I went to dinner with Leanne. And I wasn't

01:59:09.859 --> 01:59:11.920
chasing any drinks. I had like a Diet Coke, and

01:59:11.920 --> 01:59:13.779
it was nice. We had dinner. And then I got in

01:59:13.779 --> 01:59:15.460
the car, and I drove both of us home. Normally

01:59:15.460 --> 01:59:20.239
she drives. And then I put on pajamas. I got

01:59:20.239 --> 01:59:22.560
excited for pajamas. And then I laid in bed,

01:59:22.640 --> 01:59:24.920
and I woke up. And that's the thing I wish I

01:59:24.920 --> 01:59:29.619
could get a hold of, where I just go, oh, tonight's

01:59:29.619 --> 01:59:32.600
not a night on chasing drinks. So there's pros

01:59:32.600 --> 01:59:35.300
and cons, right? So the pros of drinking all

01:59:35.300 --> 01:59:37.640
the time is you're the life of the party. You're

01:59:37.640 --> 01:59:39.420
the guy. You're the guy. You go on stage. You

01:59:39.420 --> 01:59:41.159
get to live life. You get to see in other people's

01:59:41.159 --> 01:59:43.539
eyes. But you can do that once in a while. There's

01:59:43.539 --> 01:59:46.380
a rant that you did that is on a video somewhere

01:59:46.380 --> 01:59:49.689
of you talking about how you love. I'll never

01:59:49.689 --> 01:59:52.489
quit. It's a great rant. It's so great. It's

01:59:52.489 --> 01:59:55.210
a love letter to alcohol. It's a love letter

01:59:55.210 --> 01:59:57.050
to that feeling that we all get when you have

01:59:57.050 --> 01:59:58.670
a couple of cocktails and you see a sunrise.

01:59:59.010 --> 02:00:01.470
And it's just like, ah, or a sunset. And you

02:00:01.470 --> 02:00:03.569
see just something beautiful. It's like there's

02:00:03.569 --> 02:00:05.550
a feeling when you just start to catch a buzz

02:00:05.550 --> 02:00:07.170
that is such a fucking beautiful feeling. It's

02:00:07.170 --> 02:00:10.090
a running wave. I remember during pandemic I

02:00:10.090 --> 02:00:12.510
didn't drink. And then one night. Wait, what?

02:00:12.609 --> 02:00:14.689
During the pandemic I didn't drink for like three

02:00:14.689 --> 02:00:16.800
months. And then the first three months, I just,

02:00:16.840 --> 02:00:18.640
what the fuck are you talking about? I just know

02:00:18.640 --> 02:00:21.239
you. And what happens is if I keep asking questions,

02:00:21.279 --> 02:00:22.939
you'll be like, well, all right. There was a

02:00:22.939 --> 02:00:28.000
few days. Yeah, exactly. The last drink I had

02:00:28.000 --> 02:00:30.479
was on the tour bus going into the city. And

02:00:30.479 --> 02:00:32.659
then? And then I didn't drink. For three months.

02:00:32.760 --> 02:00:35.960
Okay, maybe two, whatever. Maybe four days. It

02:00:35.960 --> 02:00:38.960
was definitely a long time. At all? No drinks?

02:00:39.060 --> 02:00:41.210
No booze. Because I was at home with my kids.

02:00:41.229 --> 02:00:42.609
He'll be like, I haven't been drinking in a while.

02:00:42.710 --> 02:00:44.170
And I'll be like, how long? And he'll go, like,

02:00:44.189 --> 02:00:45.930
weeks. And I go, no. He goes, well, Saturday.

02:00:46.289 --> 02:00:48.890
Saturday. Saturday was Liam's birthday. I'm like,

02:00:48.949 --> 02:00:50.329
well, then that's the last time you drank. Stop,

02:00:50.329 --> 02:00:53.270
stop, stop. I definitely, I went a long stretch

02:00:53.270 --> 02:00:54.930
at the beginning of the pandemic without drinking.

02:00:55.050 --> 02:00:57.029
I think it was three months. It was definitely

02:00:57.029 --> 02:01:00.529
before I went on tour for the outdoor thing.

02:01:00.750 --> 02:01:02.189
You got to go to the bathroom, right? You're

02:01:02.189 --> 02:01:03.369
not going to piss in the hallway, right? Because

02:01:03.369 --> 02:01:07.649
you're sober. Because I'm sober. I'll go all

02:01:07.649 --> 02:01:09.630
the way to the bathroom. We still have a jug

02:01:09.630 --> 02:01:11.250
of his piss. No, someone threw it out. Oh, my

02:01:11.250 --> 02:01:13.329
God. We had a giant whiskey bottle filled with

02:01:13.329 --> 02:01:16.670
Ari's piss. It was hilarious because he was peeing

02:01:16.670 --> 02:01:19.430
in the hallway. We got a camera, the security

02:01:19.430 --> 02:01:21.210
camera. It was like, why are you filming me?

02:01:21.689 --> 02:01:23.729
I'm like, we're filming everything, bro. This

02:01:23.729 --> 02:01:25.210
is a high security place. The bathroom was like

02:01:25.210 --> 02:01:27.430
another 20 feet. No, you couldn't make it. You've

02:01:27.430 --> 02:01:29.210
justified it. Yeah, you guys get fucked up on

02:01:29.210 --> 02:01:31.149
those protect your parks. Oh, yeah. Can I tell

02:01:31.149 --> 02:01:34.810
you, I'm a little jealous that all our joy is

02:01:34.810 --> 02:01:38.930
sober. Feeding his dick like a snake into a rat

02:01:38.930 --> 02:01:40.590
hole. That looks like a picture you put in front

02:01:40.590 --> 02:01:42.529
of a 7 -Eleven like this man. Yeah, this guy.

02:01:44.520 --> 02:01:46.140
Right next to the Jimi Hendrix painting. And

02:01:46.140 --> 02:01:48.539
I'm bent over because I'm almost ready to pass

02:01:48.539 --> 02:01:50.659
out. It's the Stockton serial killer right there.

02:01:51.279 --> 02:01:54.239
Look how filled that fucking whiskey jug is,

02:01:54.340 --> 02:01:56.600
too. He pissed in that a couple of times. God.

02:01:56.739 --> 02:02:01.880
Yeah. Fun times. Protect our parks are fucking

02:02:01.880 --> 02:02:05.060
awesome. Those look fun. It's the most fun. They're

02:02:05.060 --> 02:02:07.760
so fun. Are we due in November? November 2nd,

02:02:07.760 --> 02:02:09.380
I think. Yeah, we're going to do it. You're going

02:02:09.380 --> 02:02:13.159
to turn loose. You're having your first drink

02:02:13.159 --> 02:02:14.939
with them and not... Not us? No. I'll have a

02:02:14.939 --> 02:02:16.479
first drink with you. I mean, I'll have a second

02:02:16.479 --> 02:02:18.659
drink with them. I'll have a first drink with

02:02:18.659 --> 02:02:20.159
you. November 2nd, my birthday is November 3rd.

02:02:20.159 --> 02:02:21.239
I'd be happy. Do you want to get together November

02:02:21.239 --> 02:02:24.260
1st? Let's tie one on. Fuck it. I can do November

02:02:24.260 --> 02:02:26.520
1st. Let's go. Come here. Let's go. Let's fucking

02:02:26.520 --> 02:02:29.000
go. November 1st? Let's have some barbecue. Let's

02:02:29.000 --> 02:02:32.319
drink some beers. The best feeling is that first

02:02:32.319 --> 02:02:35.000
drink when I... So the first sober October we

02:02:35.000 --> 02:02:37.520
did, me and Ari met up in New Orleans. We had

02:02:37.520 --> 02:02:39.960
our first drink together. Yeah. And there was...

02:02:39.960 --> 02:02:41.260
I'm here to... Malorts, right? Something like

02:02:41.260 --> 02:02:43.520
that. You're here? November 1st, Tommy and I

02:02:43.520 --> 02:02:45.359
can't hammer it. I can be here. Let's do it.

02:02:45.399 --> 02:02:47.340
Ari, what are you doing November 1st? We can

02:02:47.340 --> 02:02:49.079
do it in the afternoon. I can fly in the morning.

02:02:49.180 --> 02:02:51.239
Yeah, let's do it. Let's do a show that night.

02:02:51.300 --> 02:02:53.300
Let's have some fun. The first time me and Ari

02:02:53.300 --> 02:02:55.539
meet up in New Orleans, I feel great. I feel

02:02:55.539 --> 02:02:58.439
very, I feel, people always talk about gratitude.

02:02:58.579 --> 02:03:00.680
I remember having so much gratitude for you guys

02:03:00.680 --> 02:03:02.699
because I had never stopped for that long and

02:03:02.699 --> 02:03:04.359
being like, I'm glad I have friends that made

02:03:04.359 --> 02:03:07.279
this fun. Yeah. Me and Ari went down. Well, you

02:03:07.279 --> 02:03:08.420
were worried at first. You thought it was an

02:03:08.420 --> 02:03:11.619
intervention. It was. I went home. That after

02:03:11.619 --> 02:03:14.140
that. Yeah. Joe, you get in serious mode sometimes

02:03:14.140 --> 02:03:19.800
where it's not fun anymore. You pull me aside

02:03:19.800 --> 02:03:21.199
and you grab me like, hey, just so you know,

02:03:21.359 --> 02:03:24.000
you don't have to do this. And I was like, the

02:03:24.000 --> 02:03:26.020
fuck? You're making it real. I laid in bed that

02:03:26.020 --> 02:03:29.380
night after that first Sober October thing. Laid

02:03:29.380 --> 02:03:30.939
in bed and I go, I think I just ruined my career.

02:03:31.119 --> 02:03:32.739
Well, can I tell you why I did that? Because

02:03:32.739 --> 02:03:34.520
my doctor friend told me that you could die.

02:03:34.920 --> 02:03:36.840
He said there's one thing that does actually

02:03:36.840 --> 02:03:39.689
kill people. And it's withdrawal from alcohol.

02:03:40.029 --> 02:03:42.510
Yeah, we all were really actually legit worried.

02:03:42.590 --> 02:03:44.050
We're like, that could happen. There's two drugs

02:03:44.050 --> 02:03:46.510
that kill people when they get off of them. Benzodiazepine

02:03:46.510 --> 02:03:49.909
is one of them. Benzos, Xanax. Xanax actually

02:03:49.909 --> 02:03:53.149
can kill people if you get off of it. Your body

02:03:53.149 --> 02:03:55.050
becomes so addicted to it that when you get off

02:03:55.050 --> 02:03:56.869
of it, your body just fucking freaks out and

02:03:56.869 --> 02:03:59.270
you die. And that shows you how great benzos

02:03:59.270 --> 02:04:01.010
are. Well, that's what happened to Jordan Peterson.

02:04:01.489 --> 02:04:02.970
That's what happened to Jordan Peterson. What

02:04:02.970 --> 02:04:04.829
was he up to? Do you know what he was consuming?

02:04:04.869 --> 02:04:07.899
He doesn't really discuss that. He's a little

02:04:07.899 --> 02:04:09.279
tight -lipped about that. But it's got to be

02:04:09.279 --> 02:04:11.159
significant for people to go through. I do not

02:04:11.159 --> 02:04:14.060
know. I was sad that he did it in the first place

02:04:14.060 --> 02:04:17.060
because I think he didn't understand the withdrawal.

02:04:17.199 --> 02:04:20.020
No one understands with benzos because the doctor

02:04:20.020 --> 02:04:22.180
prescribes it. They always give you like one

02:04:22.180 --> 02:04:24.239
milligram, and then you're like, oh, wow. You

02:04:24.239 --> 02:04:26.079
take that one milligram, and it's overwhelming,

02:04:26.199 --> 02:04:28.359
and then slowly but surely that one milligram.

02:04:28.600 --> 02:04:31.800
What does it do? Yeah. It's like Jesus. You've

02:04:31.800 --> 02:04:33.539
done it? Oh, yeah. What does it feel like? It's

02:04:33.539 --> 02:04:34.939
the greatest feeling in the world. Xanax is?

02:04:35.100 --> 02:04:38.560
Yeah. I mean, it literally just imagine yourself

02:04:38.560 --> 02:04:41.039
being very anxious and it's just being eliminated.

02:04:41.039 --> 02:04:44.399
But doesn't it rebound and so your anxiety increases

02:04:44.399 --> 02:04:46.420
when you get off of it? Well. That's what I've

02:04:46.420 --> 02:04:48.979
heard. I mean, it's short lasting. They're not.

02:04:49.020 --> 02:04:51.899
The thing about Xanax stuff is that it's fast

02:04:51.899 --> 02:04:54.800
acting. So it hits you pretty quickly. And if

02:04:54.800 --> 02:04:57.199
it's strong, not only would it reduce your anxiety,

02:04:57.239 --> 02:05:00.649
but you would get like a. buzz of sorts. You

02:05:00.649 --> 02:05:04.609
feel good. It can be addictive. People take different

02:05:04.609 --> 02:05:08.069
quantities of it. Taking a milligram is actually

02:05:08.069 --> 02:05:11.350
a strong dose. If I ever take one, I take 0 .25.

02:05:11.770 --> 02:05:14.609
How often do you take it? I still have the same

02:05:14.609 --> 02:05:17.029
30 that was prescribed to me from two years ago.

02:05:17.650 --> 02:05:19.689
So you can just do it every now and then and

02:05:19.689 --> 02:05:21.710
not do it. Oh, yeah. I had a problem with it.

02:05:21.770 --> 02:05:23.989
I had a problem with it, legit problem. Dom Herrera

02:05:23.989 --> 02:05:26.289
was taking quite a bit of it. He was taking it

02:05:26.289 --> 02:05:28.170
a lot, but he said it made him feel great. He

02:05:28.170 --> 02:05:31.270
was having, like, issues. Panic, anxiety. Oh,

02:05:31.289 --> 02:05:33.439
with a glass of white wine? Oh, my God. If you

02:05:33.439 --> 02:05:35.260
start drinking on it. I'll tell you what, fucking

02:05:35.260 --> 02:05:38.619
all anxiety goes away when I do hard cardio all

02:05:38.619 --> 02:05:40.539
the time. It's true. We were talking about this

02:05:40.539 --> 02:05:42.600
last night, is that one of the things that's

02:05:42.600 --> 02:05:44.920
coming out of this Sober October thing that came

02:05:44.920 --> 02:05:46.560
out of the last time we had the fitness challenge,

02:05:46.640 --> 02:05:48.779
and you and I talked about this, there's a thing

02:05:48.779 --> 02:05:50.579
that happens when you do that hard cardio every

02:05:50.579 --> 02:05:53.359
day where you don't give a fuck. It's true. It

02:05:53.359 --> 02:05:56.159
gets easier. Yeah, it gets easier to do the hard

02:05:56.159 --> 02:05:58.899
cardio because you get in shape, but you were

02:05:58.899 --> 02:06:01.279
talking about the inner chatter. Yeah, because...

02:06:01.680 --> 02:06:04.159
All, you know, stress, anxiety, everybody has

02:06:04.159 --> 02:06:06.260
different degrees of it. But when you're doing

02:06:06.260 --> 02:06:09.300
hard workouts, like when you fucking, like, gas

02:06:09.300 --> 02:06:12.180
yourself, you're done, and you do it consistently,

02:06:12.399 --> 02:06:15.640
like. Nothing really. It's just hard to stay

02:06:15.640 --> 02:06:17.479
consistent and to recognize that that really

02:06:17.479 --> 02:06:19.180
is like a medicine. But it's like a medicine.

02:06:19.260 --> 02:06:21.619
It does leave you feeling like you can't think

02:06:21.619 --> 02:06:23.020
about other stuff. So what's the exercise for

02:06:23.020 --> 02:06:25.840
you? For me, it's cardio. No, no, no. Out of

02:06:25.840 --> 02:06:28.479
all the cardio, it's not running. Is it the rowing

02:06:28.479 --> 02:06:30.340
machine or the bike? Well, I have a knee issue

02:06:30.340 --> 02:06:32.840
that fucks with me when I run, and I've been

02:06:32.840 --> 02:06:35.159
getting stem cells in it. I fixed my right knee.

02:06:35.340 --> 02:06:37.060
It weighs too well. Shout out to weighs too well.

02:06:37.260 --> 02:06:40.439
My right knee is 100 % now. Zero problems. And

02:06:40.439 --> 02:06:43.180
I had a torn meniscus in it. It would swell sometimes.

02:06:43.439 --> 02:06:45.819
and I get like a cyst. I got it drained like

02:06:45.819 --> 02:06:48.340
six, seven times. It was a real problem. It's

02:06:48.340 --> 02:06:51.220
gone now. Like I can do everything. Shout out

02:06:51.220 --> 02:06:53.460
to Brigham. Yeah, shout out. Leanne's hooking

02:06:53.460 --> 02:06:55.880
up with Brigham. She's doing it. They're great.

02:06:56.060 --> 02:06:58.939
Stem cells are amazing. But what's the actual

02:06:58.939 --> 02:07:02.600
exercise? Like for me, the only way I can find

02:07:02.600 --> 02:07:05.579
myself pushing it to where I'm going like I'm

02:07:05.579 --> 02:07:07.880
about to throw up is a rowing machine. Burrowing

02:07:07.880 --> 02:07:09.039
machines are great. Burrowing machines are great.

02:07:09.119 --> 02:07:12.020
I honestly need an outside motivator. So if it's

02:07:12.020 --> 02:07:14.260
just me trying to get in shape, it's like, why

02:07:14.260 --> 02:07:16.939
not quit? Why today? But if it's when I'm competing

02:07:16.939 --> 02:07:19.560
against you guys, when I'm like, I have to do

02:07:19.560 --> 02:07:22.340
this from an outside push, then I can keep going.

02:07:22.340 --> 02:07:23.760
But the specific exercise. My wife gets very

02:07:23.760 --> 02:07:25.939
uncomfortable when we start doing these things.

02:07:25.979 --> 02:07:30.189
Oh, your wife. My wife gets scared of me being

02:07:30.189 --> 02:07:32.770
obsessed. Nobody's significant other. During

02:07:32.770 --> 02:07:35.430
the fucking Sober October fitness challenge,

02:07:35.630 --> 02:07:39.989
I went off the rails. It was nuts. My wife gets

02:07:39.989 --> 02:07:43.270
me sober once a year, and all I do is talk about

02:07:43.270 --> 02:07:47.810
you guys. Yeah. Texting her pictures of Joe's

02:07:47.810 --> 02:07:49.949
shirtless, and she's like, hey, don't let this

02:07:49.949 --> 02:07:52.260
happen again. Have fun with it. Just stay healthy.

02:07:52.340 --> 02:07:54.460
Let's get healthy. Well, that's why we mitigated

02:07:54.460 --> 02:07:58.300
that by making this not a contest. I signed up

02:07:58.300 --> 02:08:00.739
for my gym to get, you know. To build a workout,

02:08:00.920 --> 02:08:02.520
and they're like, oh, we haven't seen you here

02:08:02.520 --> 02:08:09.180
since October 30th, 2019. Yeah, exactly. I think

02:08:09.180 --> 02:08:11.579
for me, that tank, I love that Torque Fitness

02:08:11.579 --> 02:08:13.939
tank. Oh, yeah, that's great. That thing really

02:08:13.939 --> 02:08:17.399
feels, I don't know, it feels amazing. It's a

02:08:17.399 --> 02:08:20.960
sled that you push or pull. I love that. We have

02:08:20.960 --> 02:08:22.439
one out here. I'll show it to you afterwards.

02:08:22.539 --> 02:08:24.659
Like a tackle? Well, it has resistance. You can

02:08:24.659 --> 02:08:26.699
ramp up the resistance. Resistance levers? Jamie,

02:08:26.760 --> 02:08:29.989
pull it up. Torque makes it. It's one. the best

02:08:29.989 --> 02:08:32.989
fitness tools. So you push that thing and then

02:08:32.989 --> 02:08:37.729
you also can put a strap on it and you pull it

02:08:37.729 --> 02:08:39.289
backwards. It has different, and then it has

02:08:39.289 --> 02:08:41.529
a rope. Put a fucking lawnmower on there and

02:08:41.529 --> 02:08:45.470
do two things at once. The whole time I thought,

02:08:45.590 --> 02:08:47.630
why don't you just mow your own lawn? That was

02:08:47.630 --> 02:08:50.369
every comment on that thing. Yeah, but it's not

02:08:50.369 --> 02:08:53.909
as difficult. The other thing, I think that like

02:08:53.909 --> 02:08:56.720
really fucking... takes me to that level of like,

02:08:56.800 --> 02:09:00.439
holy shit, is mitts or a bag. Oh, yeah, man.

02:09:00.560 --> 02:09:03.880
Really going ham on that. I don't have any coordination

02:09:03.880 --> 02:09:07.100
punching. I really look like a chick. I can show

02:09:07.100 --> 02:09:08.779
you that easy. That is hilarious, what you're

02:09:08.779 --> 02:09:12.859
just doing right there. The wrists. In my movie,

02:09:13.000 --> 02:09:15.300
I think I had my fingers, or I was doing this,

02:09:15.439 --> 02:09:18.140
and they were like, yo. Dude, I could teach you

02:09:18.140 --> 02:09:20.760
that pretty easy. I guarantee you I could teach

02:09:20.760 --> 02:09:22.340
you how to punch pretty easy. You'd figure it

02:09:22.340 --> 02:09:25.039
out. It's amazing. I think. I'm tough, like if

02:09:25.039 --> 02:09:28.039
some guy talks shit, but when I hit mitts, I

02:09:28.039 --> 02:09:29.579
really don't know what I'm doing. But if some

02:09:29.579 --> 02:09:32.000
guy was like, and you go, I'll fuck you up, and

02:09:32.000 --> 02:09:35.380
you went like this. I can do your hair first.

02:09:35.439 --> 02:09:37.279
The key is to learn how to do it where you're

02:09:37.279 --> 02:09:38.979
not trying to hit something hard. That's the

02:09:38.979 --> 02:09:40.859
thing. Everybody tries hard. And when you try

02:09:40.859 --> 02:09:43.779
hard, you like and you use all these muscles

02:09:43.779 --> 02:09:46.699
and you fuck up your thing. When you learn how

02:09:46.699 --> 02:09:49.140
to punch correctly, the right way for someone

02:09:49.140 --> 02:09:52.619
to teach you is literally to teach you just you're

02:09:52.619 --> 02:09:55.640
not even doing it hard. You're just learning

02:09:55.640 --> 02:09:58.060
how to move your body correctly. And then it

02:09:58.060 --> 02:10:00.659
becomes muscle memory. And then it becomes ingrained

02:10:00.659 --> 02:10:02.720
in your pathway. So you know where you're putting

02:10:02.720 --> 02:10:05.039
your foot. And then once you actually start hitting

02:10:05.039 --> 02:10:08.109
something hard, then your body knows what. the

02:10:08.109 --> 02:10:10.710
motions are the problem is when you like strain

02:10:10.710 --> 02:10:13.510
like you see big guys do that like big strong

02:10:13.510 --> 02:10:15.689
guys they know they can hit hard so they try

02:10:15.689 --> 02:10:18.329
to hit hard they grunt and they stretch everything

02:10:18.329 --> 02:10:19.750
out but that's the wrong way to do it they're

02:10:19.750 --> 02:10:21.869
also gassed in like 20 seconds yeah because you're

02:10:21.869 --> 02:10:24.640
using so much muscle sure You know, you want

02:10:24.640 --> 02:10:26.840
to use technique, and you can learn how to do

02:10:26.840 --> 02:10:30.260
it, like, slowly and softly. It's just teaching

02:10:30.260 --> 02:10:32.380
yourself to not try to hit it hard. You see those

02:10:32.380 --> 02:10:35.659
pros are so loose, too, you know? Yeah. That's

02:10:35.659 --> 02:10:37.560
the same thing with jiu -jitsu, too. The way

02:10:37.560 --> 02:10:40.220
to really learn jiu -jitsu is to drill. You just

02:10:40.220 --> 02:10:42.079
learn how to do something in a drill where you're

02:10:42.079 --> 02:10:43.979
not, like, straining against a person. You're

02:10:43.979 --> 02:10:46.340
learning how to just train your body to go through

02:10:46.340 --> 02:10:48.779
the motions. Like, when I got the best I got

02:10:48.779 --> 02:10:50.180
at jiu -jitsu, like, the biggest leap that I

02:10:50.180 --> 02:10:51.859
got was, like, between blue belt and purple belt.

02:10:52.000 --> 02:10:53.520
That's because I was training with Eddie. and

02:10:53.520 --> 02:10:55.840
we were training almost four or five days a week,

02:10:55.920 --> 02:10:58.079
and we would drill all the time. I had mats in

02:10:58.079 --> 02:11:00.800
my garage. We'd go get high, and he would go

02:11:00.800 --> 02:11:02.899
over techniques with me. Eddie is a fucking great

02:11:02.899 --> 02:11:05.100
instructor, too. He really breaks it down so

02:11:05.100 --> 02:11:07.600
well. Oh, yeah. He's so good at it. So he can

02:11:07.600 --> 02:11:10.619
get it. And even though he's a stoner and he's

02:11:10.619 --> 02:11:12.520
this wild dude, he's very disciplined. Eddie

02:11:12.520 --> 02:11:14.899
smokes weed? A little bit. I went behind him

02:11:14.899 --> 02:11:17.279
one time to take him down at the store just as

02:11:17.279 --> 02:11:20.760
a gag. Oh, good luck. And he... As I grabbed

02:11:20.760 --> 02:11:25.279
him, Eddie went, don't do that. And I was like,

02:11:25.460 --> 02:11:27.399
he's like, you know, I'm trained to do one thing

02:11:27.399 --> 02:11:32.060
and it happens. Yeah. Jitsu, that wears me out

02:11:32.060 --> 02:11:34.060
completely. Wore me out completely. Oh, yeah.

02:11:34.159 --> 02:11:35.920
Like all parts of your body because it's like

02:11:35.920 --> 02:11:37.939
wrestling in general. Well, that is another thing

02:11:37.939 --> 02:11:40.460
that alleviates anxiety with people. What do

02:11:40.460 --> 02:11:42.359
you want? Coffee? This is the best goddamn cigar

02:11:42.359 --> 02:11:43.979
I've ever had in my entire fucking life. It's

02:11:43.979 --> 02:11:45.380
the best fucking. I haven't had any buzz at all.

02:11:45.659 --> 02:11:48.380
I've had a buzz. It's a Jaime Garcia. They make

02:11:48.380 --> 02:11:51.699
my father. is like the number one cigar out there.

02:11:51.800 --> 02:11:55.300
My father always wins the, whatchamacallit, but

02:11:55.300 --> 02:11:57.380
this is all. We got this at the bachelor party.

02:11:57.859 --> 02:11:59.340
We got it at my father, the judges, and then

02:11:59.340 --> 02:12:01.979
me and Liz got a bunch of other cigars for the

02:12:01.979 --> 02:12:03.539
people who were like, I'll try a cigar. I'll

02:12:03.539 --> 02:12:05.619
have this special one for you. Try one of this.

02:12:06.239 --> 02:12:08.539
Like a not as good one. Yeah. They're so cheap

02:12:08.539 --> 02:12:11.420
in Tampa. That fucking bachelor party was sick.

02:12:11.560 --> 02:12:13.960
That was a lot of fun. They won me over. Sidesplitters

02:12:13.960 --> 02:12:16.380
won me over. Sidesplitters? Yeah, they're like,

02:12:16.460 --> 02:12:18.260
I'm like, yeah, this place is great. I'll be

02:12:18.260 --> 02:12:21.180
back. I've never been. It's a real club. It's

02:12:21.180 --> 02:12:22.899
a really cool club. It was funny watching Burt

02:12:22.899 --> 02:12:24.600
remember what it's like to be in a club. He's

02:12:24.600 --> 02:12:27.239
waiting to go on. Like, jump on. Nobody knows

02:12:27.239 --> 02:12:29.260
he's there. And he's waiting outside the showroom.

02:12:29.399 --> 02:12:30.680
People are like, hey, Burt, can I get a picture?

02:12:30.739 --> 02:12:33.279
He's like, oh, fuck. He didn't understand. He's

02:12:33.279 --> 02:12:36.000
just in the kitchen, like, moving past, like,

02:12:36.039 --> 02:12:37.579
waiters. Sorry, sorry I'm in the way. I'm like,

02:12:37.659 --> 02:12:41.180
this is club comedy, Bert. You forgot. I know

02:12:41.180 --> 02:12:43.720
you know this because you like sports the way

02:12:43.720 --> 02:12:45.760
I do, but, like, you do Cleveland, you do the

02:12:45.760 --> 02:12:47.619
arena in Cleveland, and you're making the same

02:12:47.619 --> 02:12:50.989
walk LeBron makes, and you're going like. There's

02:12:50.989 --> 02:12:53.210
a gravitas that comes with those arenas where

02:12:53.210 --> 02:12:56.029
you hear the people and you're walking down the

02:12:56.029 --> 02:12:58.270
hallway and you're seeing jerseys up and you're

02:12:58.270 --> 02:13:00.470
like, yeah. Those tunnels. The tunnels. The tunnels.

02:13:00.529 --> 02:13:01.989
And then you go to side splitters and you're

02:13:01.989 --> 02:13:03.609
in the kitchen and they're like, plate coming

02:13:03.609 --> 02:13:05.350
around the corner. And you're like, sorry. I'm

02:13:05.350 --> 02:13:07.310
so sorry. I'm so sorry. How am I supposed to

02:13:07.310 --> 02:13:09.470
get in my head? I hope they really pop when I

02:13:09.470 --> 02:13:13.050
take my shirt off. I hope they really pop when

02:13:13.050 --> 02:13:15.409
I take my shirt off. You're trapped. You have

02:13:15.409 --> 02:13:16.729
to take your shirt off for the rest of your life.

02:13:16.869 --> 02:13:18.050
I'm in it. What are you going to do if you get

02:13:18.050 --> 02:13:21.659
ripped? Throw me in the briar patch. Yeah. I

02:13:21.659 --> 02:13:23.760
would love to be ripped. I would love for this

02:13:23.760 --> 02:13:27.239
special. I would love to. All I want is someone

02:13:27.239 --> 02:13:30.300
just to. Remember when Chappelle got guns? Yeah.

02:13:30.340 --> 02:13:31.920
And all everyone just on the deal, they're like,

02:13:32.000 --> 02:13:33.899
dude, his fucking arms look good. That's all

02:13:33.899 --> 02:13:35.560
I want. Someone to go, God damn it, man. He's

02:13:35.560 --> 02:13:37.840
got delts. He's got delts. That's all you want?

02:13:38.619 --> 02:13:40.340
I'm always going to have the belly, I think.

02:13:40.500 --> 02:13:42.239
But just someone to go, he doesn't look that

02:13:42.239 --> 02:13:44.260
bad. Can I discuss your belly real quick? Please.

02:13:44.560 --> 02:13:46.380
So it's always Tom and I have talked about this.

02:13:46.420 --> 02:13:48.479
You look like a trans man that's having quintuplets.

02:14:02.160 --> 02:14:06.819
Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. But we

02:14:06.819 --> 02:14:08.699
talk about how it's pushed out all the time.

02:14:08.840 --> 02:14:12.880
It's hard. No, it has begun to fall over. Yeah,

02:14:12.939 --> 02:14:14.800
Ari was obsessed with it last night. He was pointing

02:14:14.800 --> 02:14:16.899
to it on stage like it's the Zapruder. It has

02:14:16.899 --> 02:14:19.079
finally fallen. It's been there. I compared it

02:14:19.079 --> 02:14:22.359
to a growing mushroom the day after it rains.

02:14:22.439 --> 02:14:26.729
No, you're confusing two bellies. Explain. My

02:14:26.729 --> 02:14:29.550
belly has fallen over like everyone else's. When

02:14:29.550 --> 02:14:32.569
I did Secret Time, I didn't realize that it already

02:14:32.569 --> 02:14:34.909
happened until they did the billboard of it.

02:14:35.050 --> 02:14:36.550
And they did the billboard, and I go, that's

02:14:36.550 --> 02:14:38.850
not my stomach. My stomach's tight. And it was

02:14:38.850 --> 02:14:43.289
a... You have the craziest, most delusional perspective.

02:14:43.510 --> 02:14:45.810
I think I have body dysmorphia. The text message

02:14:45.810 --> 02:14:47.210
you sent us the other day, I could do more push

02:14:47.210 --> 02:14:48.770
-ups than anyone in this group. I think you can,

02:14:48.829 --> 02:14:51.989
Bert. Cheap push -ups, Marky Marks. Yeah, but

02:14:51.989 --> 02:14:54.550
cheap push -ups I could do for days. I knew.

02:14:54.670 --> 02:14:57.829
I knew it was like Vintage Burt. There it is.

02:14:57.970 --> 02:15:00.750
Secret time. That was you? That's me. And they

02:15:00.750 --> 02:15:03.350
put that up on fucking Melrose, and I go, that's

02:15:03.350 --> 02:15:06.479
not me. What? You thought your belly was smaller

02:15:06.479 --> 02:15:09.300
than that? That's me at like 220. Right, but

02:15:09.300 --> 02:15:11.380
you at the time thought your belly was smaller

02:15:11.380 --> 02:15:13.960
than that. I thought I was in great shape. And

02:15:13.960 --> 02:15:16.159
they put that up on Melrose and I saw it. I drove

02:15:16.159 --> 02:15:18.779
past it and I go, oh, they must have put someone

02:15:18.779 --> 02:15:21.539
else's belly on me or photoshopped it. And this

02:15:21.539 --> 02:15:23.640
is like when you go like, I have legit the best

02:15:23.640 --> 02:15:26.579
shoulders. I do. Hold on, I do. I have legit

02:15:26.579 --> 02:15:28.800
great shoulders. Like great fucking shoulders.

02:15:29.619 --> 02:15:32.859
No, no you don't. Joe, they're ripping through

02:15:32.859 --> 02:15:34.939
this shirt right now. Yeah, but you say things

02:15:34.939 --> 02:15:37.460
and you don't really mean it, right? No, I kind

02:15:37.460 --> 02:15:38.520
of mean it. When you say things and you know

02:15:38.520 --> 02:15:40.180
they're not true. I kind of mean it. He does

02:15:40.180 --> 02:15:42.279
mean it. I kind of mean it. I kind of mean it,

02:15:42.399 --> 02:15:45.020
which means he means it. But you say things you

02:15:45.020 --> 02:15:47.039
know aren't true. Remember that one time you

02:15:47.039 --> 02:15:49.600
said he could do the splits? He probably could.

02:15:49.800 --> 02:15:51.279
I actually thought I might be able to pull one

02:15:51.279 --> 02:15:54.199
out. But more importantly, out of that whole...

02:15:54.199 --> 02:15:56.600
Look at those fucking... That looks pretty good.

02:15:56.760 --> 02:15:59.220
Yeah. If you look at me, if I take my shirt off

02:15:59.220 --> 02:16:03.600
and just do like this, you go... Yeah. No, right

02:16:03.600 --> 02:16:05.039
there you look pretty good, though. Yeah. But

02:16:05.039 --> 02:16:07.399
you've got to know that you can't do the splits.

02:16:07.520 --> 02:16:09.359
Like, why did you say that? Because I thought

02:16:09.359 --> 02:16:11.239
I could pull it out. Same reason I said I could

02:16:11.239 --> 02:16:13.020
run a marathon with no training. Yeah, but a

02:16:13.020 --> 02:16:15.300
marathon is like you can run five miles. I've

02:16:15.300 --> 02:16:17.500
seen you run five miles. Yeah. So just keep going.

02:16:17.960 --> 02:16:20.340
The idea of doing the splits is crazy. The best

02:16:20.340 --> 02:16:23.119
part of that story for me was when you did a

02:16:23.119 --> 02:16:24.680
split and then you looked at me and you said,

02:16:24.720 --> 02:16:26.439
have you ever done a split? And I said, no. And

02:16:26.439 --> 02:16:28.680
then in your eyes you go. Like you're almost

02:16:28.680 --> 02:16:31.659
trying to talk to an island of people you discovered.

02:16:31.760 --> 02:16:33.420
You go, what made you think you could do that?

02:16:33.479 --> 02:16:36.200
And I go, I don't know. And you went, what could

02:16:36.200 --> 02:16:37.500
you do? Yeah, you're like, but what? You've never

02:16:37.500 --> 02:16:39.280
done it. And I said, yeah, I know. And you go,

02:16:39.360 --> 02:16:41.340
and you were willing to hurt yourself? And I

02:16:41.340 --> 02:16:43.280
was like, yeah. I was going to see if I could

02:16:43.280 --> 02:16:45.979
do it. I just thought I could do it. But it takes

02:16:45.979 --> 02:16:49.040
a long time to get that flexible. That's not

02:16:49.040 --> 02:16:52.040
a normal human thing. I don't know. I just roll

02:16:52.040 --> 02:16:56.049
the dice. I like that energy, though. That is

02:16:56.049 --> 02:16:58.469
the energy. That's Cinderella story energy. That's

02:16:58.469 --> 02:17:00.590
not a Cinderella story. That's a torn hamstring

02:17:00.590 --> 02:17:03.510
story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like when

02:17:03.510 --> 02:17:06.110
you go places and people underestimate you. And

02:17:06.110 --> 02:17:09.329
I love my favorite part of Sober October is the

02:17:09.329 --> 02:17:11.530
subtle shit talk where you go, I will murder

02:17:11.530 --> 02:17:14.329
you. Like, I don't know, I said, I think I can

02:17:14.329 --> 02:17:16.629
do more push -ups than you. And your reply was,

02:17:16.770 --> 02:17:21.149
I will kill you. And I started giggling so hard.

02:17:21.649 --> 02:17:23.149
I'm at dinner with my family, and they're like,

02:17:23.250 --> 02:17:24.829
what are you laughing at? And I go, Joe. And

02:17:24.829 --> 02:17:26.209
they go, what did he say that's funny? I go,

02:17:26.690 --> 02:17:29.209
well, it's only funny if you know him intimately.

02:17:29.450 --> 02:17:31.879
Because I know you, you're like. What the fuck?

02:17:32.139 --> 02:17:34.299
And then I thought, I really thought, because

02:17:34.299 --> 02:17:36.139
I've been to Ways to Wellness with you. Is it

02:17:36.139 --> 02:17:37.819
Ways to Wellness? Ways to Well. Ways to Well

02:17:37.819 --> 02:17:39.440
with you so many times, and I've seen you getting

02:17:39.440 --> 02:17:41.540
the shots in your shoulders. I go, I bet he can't

02:17:41.540 --> 02:17:43.360
do a push -up. Oh, my God. I bet he can't do

02:17:43.360 --> 02:17:44.840
a push -up because of his shoulders. That's what

02:17:44.840 --> 02:17:47.120
I thought. But they're not that bad. You unlock

02:17:47.120 --> 02:17:50.299
in Joe a competitiveness that only comes out

02:17:50.299 --> 02:17:54.700
around you. When he did it at your studio, the

02:17:54.700 --> 02:17:58.260
whatever it's called. The arm wrestle. Arm wrestle.

02:17:58.360 --> 02:17:59.930
Yeah. But just the way he was like, let's do

02:17:59.930 --> 02:18:01.729
it, fine. It wasn't that competitive, but it

02:18:01.729 --> 02:18:04.149
was still like, he was like, bye, and then just

02:18:04.149 --> 02:18:06.370
walks out. He crushes the dude and walks out.

02:18:06.450 --> 02:18:08.489
Like, you're an idiot. With Burt, it's like,

02:18:08.569 --> 02:18:10.549
it makes you mad. It's because Burt's making

02:18:10.549 --> 02:18:13.329
claims, though. Yeah. Well, you have a delusional

02:18:13.329 --> 02:18:16.809
perspective that I just don't understand. You're

02:18:16.809 --> 02:18:18.909
a truth seeker, and this guy attacks that. Yeah,

02:18:18.969 --> 02:18:24.069
I am the Alex Jones of fitness. Hey, in what

02:18:24.069 --> 02:18:27.250
way? In what way? In what way? What the fuck

02:18:27.250 --> 02:18:28.969
is up? I literally just made this comparison

02:18:28.969 --> 02:18:33.409
yesterday. In that I talk wild shit, and then

02:18:33.409 --> 02:18:35.510
every now and then it matches up. That's exactly

02:18:35.510 --> 02:18:36.989
what I said. Every now and then you're like,

02:18:37.049 --> 02:18:39.250
oh shit, frogs are gay. You're the guy that goes

02:18:39.250 --> 02:18:41.090
to the center court and goes, I bet I could fucking

02:18:41.090 --> 02:18:42.989
hit this from here. And everybody's like, no

02:18:42.989 --> 02:18:44.950
way. And then you swish, and then you walk away.

02:18:45.149 --> 02:18:48.209
Yes. Once in a long while, you'll pull out a

02:18:48.209 --> 02:18:50.350
marathon. Yeah, you'll pull out a miracle. Every

02:18:50.350 --> 02:18:52.309
now and then people are like, what the fuck?

02:18:52.489 --> 02:18:54.049
When we were doing the Sober October Fitness

02:18:54.049 --> 02:18:55.950
Challenge, you were what I thought of 80 % of

02:18:55.950 --> 02:18:59.329
the time. Hatred. Spite drive. There was just

02:18:59.329 --> 02:19:03.030
fury inside me. I was like, I'm going to drag

02:19:03.030 --> 02:19:09.809
him to hell. That's my brand. Jesus Christ. Dude,

02:19:09.850 --> 02:19:14.850
when we went to... We were doing fully loaded.

02:19:14.930 --> 02:19:16.370
But at the end of the day, these professional

02:19:16.370 --> 02:19:18.610
baseball players are on the field. And they're

02:19:18.610 --> 02:19:20.469
like, hey, man, I heard you want to try out for

02:19:20.469 --> 02:19:21.989
the team. And I was like, I'll fucking give it

02:19:21.989 --> 02:19:23.790
all up right now for one season, one contract.

02:19:24.729 --> 02:19:26.670
And they're like, can you swing? And Attell goes,

02:19:26.889 --> 02:19:29.649
I got $100. Says he doesn't connect. And I went,

02:19:29.770 --> 02:19:35.170
OK. And then literally got up there and one hopping

02:19:35.170 --> 02:19:37.510
off the fence. And Attell's like, are you fucking

02:19:37.510 --> 02:19:40.629
serious? And then the pitcher goes, looks at

02:19:40.629 --> 02:19:42.579
the team. He goes, these are with no pace. There's

02:19:42.579 --> 02:19:43.700
no pace on these balls. What does that mean,

02:19:43.760 --> 02:19:45.940
pace? Meaning he's throwing them at like 40 miles

02:19:45.940 --> 02:19:48.920
an hour, so I'm doing all the work to get the

02:19:48.920 --> 02:19:50.680
ball out there. He goes, with a little bit of

02:19:50.680 --> 02:19:52.979
pace, I think it'll go yard. And I was like,

02:19:53.059 --> 02:19:56.760
put some pace on it. And fucking, you can find

02:19:56.760 --> 02:19:59.719
the video of me hitting fucking bombs. I think

02:19:59.719 --> 02:20:02.340
you are a secret athlete. I really do. I just

02:20:02.340 --> 02:20:04.440
think you just don't do anything about it. You

02:20:04.440 --> 02:20:06.459
also have a specific athleticism. I have things

02:20:06.459 --> 02:20:08.899
I'm good at. I have a few things that I'm good

02:20:08.899 --> 02:20:11.559
at. See, when I first heard you were in... you're

02:20:11.559 --> 02:20:13.020
a good athlete or you told me that I was like

02:20:13.020 --> 02:20:15.739
get the fuck out of here because I it's all based

02:20:15.739 --> 02:20:19.760
on what you know now well what your origin is

02:20:19.760 --> 02:20:22.040
of athleticism you know what I mean so like a

02:20:22.040 --> 02:20:24.000
baseball kid who played a lot of baseball thinks

02:20:24.000 --> 02:20:26.780
of like somebody good at baseball so like if

02:20:26.780 --> 02:20:29.500
you played football like that's all I did great

02:20:29.500 --> 02:20:32.120
athlete means runs the fastest jumps the highest

02:20:32.760 --> 02:20:35.719
can bench fucking 225 30 times i was like no

02:20:35.719 --> 02:20:38.739
yeah but then i saw him do all the things that

02:20:38.739 --> 02:20:40.719
are it's still athletic it's just outside of

02:20:40.719 --> 02:20:43.680
that realm right it's like that everything that

02:20:43.680 --> 02:20:45.780
was like hand i saw the ball everything like

02:20:45.780 --> 02:20:47.600
he could like i'll throw i'll throw this ball

02:20:47.600 --> 02:20:49.959
and hit that thing off the you know off that

02:20:49.959 --> 02:20:51.719
uh like bar over there i'm like what are you

02:20:51.719 --> 02:20:53.360
talking about and then he'd have boom and like

02:20:53.360 --> 02:20:55.959
ding it i was like oh shit he can he can make

02:20:55.959 --> 02:20:59.139
these wild claims on maybe that's where the delusional

02:20:59.139 --> 02:21:02.870
part works because you don't have any you really

02:21:02.870 --> 02:21:06.469
believe it. That's the thing he does. I do. Cause

02:21:06.469 --> 02:21:08.950
he's a real dreamer too. He'll say, he really

02:21:08.950 --> 02:21:10.709
is. He'll say, it's the way I tell the story.

02:21:10.790 --> 02:21:13.469
I live, I live in a world where I want you to

02:21:13.469 --> 02:21:15.450
feel it. It's not about, it's not about reality.

02:21:15.450 --> 02:21:17.250
It's about feeling it. Right. I want every, I

02:21:17.250 --> 02:21:18.690
want everyone to, it's why I like alcohol. I

02:21:18.690 --> 02:21:21.069
like the feeling, you know, like I don't need

02:21:21.069 --> 02:21:23.569
it to be, I don't need it to be real. I need

02:21:23.569 --> 02:21:26.549
you to, I want it. I want the energy. Like, that's

02:21:26.549 --> 02:21:28.819
why I love a cigar and coffee is like, That's

02:21:28.819 --> 02:21:30.000
not how you're supposed to start a day, but that

02:21:30.000 --> 02:21:32.680
fa -fa -fa -fa. And I think I am that way with,

02:21:32.719 --> 02:21:34.739
like, physical achievements. My friends I grew

02:21:34.739 --> 02:21:38.319
up with, I mean, have said this. They look at

02:21:38.319 --> 02:21:40.459
me sometimes a little bummed out. They'll be

02:21:40.459 --> 02:21:41.899
like, what happened to your body, man? You're,

02:21:41.899 --> 02:21:44.000
like, a legit athlete. Like, this isn't who you

02:21:44.000 --> 02:21:47.940
are. But when I went to college, I remember intramural

02:21:47.940 --> 02:21:50.780
softball. Everyone was making, like, big claims

02:21:50.780 --> 02:21:52.219
about how good they were. And I was like, I'm

02:21:52.219 --> 02:21:54.590
actually really good. And I was like, I'm not

02:21:54.590 --> 02:21:56.030
going to say a fucking word. I'm not going to

02:21:56.030 --> 02:21:58.629
say a word. Everyone thinks I'm some stoner alcoholic.

02:21:59.090 --> 02:22:00.829
I'm just going to go in and just fucking drop

02:22:00.829 --> 02:22:04.649
bombs. And then that look on someone's face when

02:22:04.649 --> 02:22:07.049
they expect nothing of you and you over deliver

02:22:07.049 --> 02:22:10.250
is, I think, how I've set up my career. Same

02:22:10.250 --> 02:22:12.969
with stand -up. I remember I ripped my shirt

02:22:12.969 --> 02:22:16.629
off. And I remember David Letterman was doing

02:22:16.629 --> 02:22:19.989
an interview with Mike Binder. And Binder texted

02:22:19.989 --> 02:22:22.340
it to me. And David Letterman goes. I mean, he

02:22:22.340 --> 02:22:25.420
rips his shirt off. Like, you don't expect anything.

02:22:25.559 --> 02:22:29.319
And then it's good material. And then I was crying

02:22:29.319 --> 02:22:32.020
because I was like, that's everything I want

02:22:32.020 --> 02:22:34.500
you to do is like under -believe and then over

02:22:34.500 --> 02:22:39.860
-achieve. But I think especially with sports,

02:22:40.360 --> 02:22:44.780
I have a little bit of, I live in maybe not a

02:22:44.780 --> 02:22:47.590
big reality. I'm like that with fucking. Really?

02:22:47.629 --> 02:22:49.549
I can't fuck at all. I'm very real about fucking.

02:22:50.469 --> 02:22:55.149
I can't fuck at all. I feel bad for Leanne sometimes.

02:22:56.930 --> 02:22:59.909
Even she talks about it. Can you imagine this

02:22:59.909 --> 02:23:03.610
mounting you and just pumping you? She's probably

02:23:03.610 --> 02:23:06.149
so worried you're going to die on her. No, I've

02:23:06.149 --> 02:23:10.250
come so fast that she's laughed. I came so fast

02:23:10.250 --> 02:23:11.629
one time, started laughing. I go, hey, you're

02:23:11.629 --> 02:23:13.329
not supposed to laugh when people come. She goes,

02:23:13.389 --> 02:23:16.870
well, he's just, I mean, come on. You'd have

02:23:16.870 --> 02:23:19.090
to see the humor in this. She goes, I don't think

02:23:19.090 --> 02:23:20.610
you could have gotten AIDS from that fuck. That

02:23:20.610 --> 02:23:31.989
was so quick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fast. Fast.

02:23:33.409 --> 02:23:36.870
Like, fast. Every time? If I go down on her,

02:23:36.930 --> 02:23:40.610
it'll be like three pumps. I get, yeah. You get

02:23:40.610 --> 02:23:41.750
excited? You get worked up ahead of time? Oh,

02:23:41.750 --> 02:23:45.649
dude. Get that J in you. Whee! I can grind on

02:23:45.649 --> 02:23:47.069
the bed while I go down in order to fucking come

02:23:47.069 --> 02:23:52.829
in the sheets. I'm fucking quick. And this is

02:23:52.829 --> 02:23:56.540
like with jacking off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,

02:23:56.540 --> 02:23:58.059
if you don't jag off for a while, then you fuck

02:23:58.059 --> 02:23:59.719
it's like almost immediate Yeah, it's probably

02:23:59.719 --> 02:24:01.500
why I don't cheat because I think if I fuck someone

02:24:01.500 --> 02:24:06.200
the look of disappointment in their face I Remember

02:24:06.200 --> 02:24:10.360
I fucked one chick I fucked one chick I told

02:24:10.360 --> 02:24:14.620
Tony was the story said never tell anyone I Fucked

02:24:14.620 --> 02:24:17.100
her and I came so fast. She got angry. Oh my

02:24:17.100 --> 02:24:19.170
god. You need to read a book You need to read

02:24:19.170 --> 02:24:21.809
a book or get online and learn something. Wow.

02:24:22.209 --> 02:24:23.489
That's a rude thing for a girl to say. Read a

02:24:23.489 --> 02:24:24.809
book and then come back and finish your job.

02:24:24.889 --> 02:24:27.049
And then she goes, and I was going to say, give

02:24:27.049 --> 02:24:29.530
me a minute, I'll go again. And then I was like,

02:24:29.569 --> 02:24:32.129
hey, you can't talk to me like that. That's not

02:24:32.129 --> 02:24:34.270
cool. What if I said this is really shitty? We

02:24:34.270 --> 02:24:36.569
just had sex. I know I came fast. And she got

02:24:36.569 --> 02:24:37.690
really mad. And then I was like, I'm going to

02:24:37.690 --> 02:24:40.530
have to ask you to leave. This isn't cool. And

02:24:40.530 --> 02:24:42.270
then she went to my, I was still naked. She's

02:24:42.270 --> 02:24:44.239
like, you're not cool. and I had a beer in my

02:24:44.239 --> 02:24:46.600
hand. My roommate came out, Wicho, and I still

02:24:46.600 --> 02:24:48.979
had a condom and a beer in the kitchen, and I

02:24:48.979 --> 02:24:51.299
went like this. Are you still wearing your used

02:24:51.299 --> 02:24:54.319
condom? Watch out for the fucking spilled condom.

02:24:54.799 --> 02:24:58.559
Just like the little reservoir, just like dangling.

02:24:58.620 --> 02:25:00.399
My buddy Wicho comes around the corner, and I

02:25:00.399 --> 02:25:02.680
go, she'll be out in a second. She came out,

02:25:02.700 --> 02:25:03.739
and she goes, are you being fucking serious?

02:25:03.979 --> 02:25:06.219
I gotta go to Brooklyn now? And I was like, yeah,

02:25:06.260 --> 02:25:08.260
I'm... I just can't let you talk to me. That's

02:25:08.260 --> 02:25:10.319
not cool. My feelings are hurt. And like, I'm

02:25:10.319 --> 02:25:11.780
like, that's not how this works. Like, you're

02:25:11.780 --> 02:25:13.760
not my girlfriend, but you can't like yell at

02:25:13.760 --> 02:25:16.680
me. I go, I know I wasn't good. And she got to

02:25:16.680 --> 02:25:19.649
the door. She goes, I can't fucking believe this.

02:25:19.750 --> 02:25:21.629
And then she was really angry, and she faked

02:25:21.629 --> 02:25:24.209
a punch. And I spilled beer all over myself,

02:25:24.309 --> 02:25:25.549
and my dick went up and hit me in the stomach.

02:25:25.729 --> 02:25:29.370
We both started laughing hysterically. You and

02:25:29.370 --> 02:25:31.170
the woman? Me and the woman both started laughing

02:25:31.170 --> 02:25:33.350
in my door hysterically. And then she smiled

02:25:33.350 --> 02:25:35.110
and went to my neighbor's door and pounded on

02:25:35.110 --> 02:25:37.209
the door. And she goes, Bert Kreiser can't fuck.

02:25:37.610 --> 02:25:39.750
And knocked on every door down the hall. Wow.

02:25:40.110 --> 02:25:42.469
Good for her. Good move. That's a solid move.

02:25:42.510 --> 02:25:44.809
Jesus Christ, dude. Where did you find that fucking

02:25:44.809 --> 02:25:46.729
animal? Don't divorce her. Boston Comedy Club.

02:25:47.149 --> 02:25:50.790
There you go. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I shaved my

02:25:50.790 --> 02:25:54.209
legs for this? Son of a bitch. That reminds me

02:25:54.209 --> 02:25:56.049
of when we went to that national championship

02:25:56.049 --> 02:25:58.790
game, and we're trying to skirt the line, and

02:25:58.790 --> 02:26:00.750
they weren't famous then, and we're just trying

02:26:00.750 --> 02:26:02.350
to get through, trying to get through, and everyone's

02:26:02.350 --> 02:26:05.069
like, hey, what the fuck? You gave them 100 bucks,

02:26:05.190 --> 02:26:08.649
some random bouncer guy, security, and they were

02:26:08.649 --> 02:26:10.290
like, why? Who are you guys? And Burch just goes,

02:26:10.370 --> 02:26:13.969
I'm Tom Segura. Google me, motherfucker. Yeah,

02:26:14.010 --> 02:26:18.909
and you're just like, come on. Yeah. That was

02:26:18.909 --> 02:26:21.469
the funniest. Do you remember one lady's like,

02:26:21.590 --> 02:26:24.790
hold on, did you just play a black guy to walk

02:26:24.790 --> 02:26:26.489
you to the front? And we're like, that's exactly

02:26:26.489 --> 02:26:28.129
what we did. Yeah, I mean, we didn't take his

02:26:28.129 --> 02:26:30.530
race into account. Yeah, sure. He has the yellow

02:26:30.530 --> 02:26:33.790
jacket. The yellow jacket is insecurity. You're

02:26:33.790 --> 02:26:35.620
just mad you didn't think of it. We were just

02:26:35.620 --> 02:26:37.180
like, hey, man, make this happen. He was like,

02:26:37.260 --> 02:26:41.440
okay. Done. No one knows this. I realized this

02:26:41.440 --> 02:26:42.959
when I was working the door at the store. If

02:26:42.959 --> 02:26:47.059
you tip a guy $20, $100. Game changer. You owned

02:26:47.059 --> 02:26:49.399
me for the night. I'll do whatever the fuck you

02:26:49.399 --> 02:26:51.559
wanted for $20. For $100? Let's go. You're running

02:26:51.559 --> 02:26:54.020
late, by the way, at an airport, and you find

02:26:54.020 --> 02:26:55.819
somebody that works at the airport, and you have

02:26:55.819 --> 02:26:58.899
cash. Give that person $20, $40, whatever. That

02:26:58.899 --> 02:27:01.139
person will get you through security. For sure.

02:27:01.260 --> 02:27:03.379
Really? Absolutely. Yeah. You just give me four

02:27:03.379 --> 02:27:05.940
hours of - You say, hey, I'm in a rush. I'll

02:27:05.940 --> 02:27:07.100
give you a hundred bucks. Get me through the

02:27:07.100 --> 02:27:08.860
line. They know the people at TSA. And then they'll

02:27:08.860 --> 02:27:11.620
be like, okay. And then they'll look for someone

02:27:11.620 --> 02:27:12.940
they know. They'll be like, hey, man. Hey, hey,

02:27:12.979 --> 02:27:14.360
hey. And then they'll just get you. There's nothing

02:27:14.360 --> 02:27:17.260
like a cool person at TSA. Yeah. Every now and

02:27:17.260 --> 02:27:19.440
then, you know that story I tell about the lady

02:27:19.440 --> 02:27:22.379
that got randomly selected at TSA? There's nothing

02:27:22.379 --> 02:27:26.799
about a funny person that you meet at TSA. You're

02:27:26.799 --> 02:27:29.280
like, all right, we're okay. The world's okay.

02:27:29.899 --> 02:27:31.780
You're a person who's in this weird position

02:27:31.780 --> 02:27:35.280
where people every day are bullshitting you and

02:27:35.280 --> 02:27:38.100
you're trying to do your job, but every now and

02:27:38.100 --> 02:27:40.159
then you run into a cool person. I asked the

02:27:40.159 --> 02:27:42.219
guy once, because sometimes you say your name

02:27:42.219 --> 02:27:44.840
out loud, and it's like, what? Why do I have

02:27:44.840 --> 02:27:48.079
to say my name out loud on my ID? And so I asked

02:27:48.079 --> 02:27:49.459
the guy, I was like, why here and not anywhere

02:27:49.459 --> 02:27:51.319
else? And he goes, oh, because the guy who runs

02:27:51.319 --> 02:27:54.139
this TSA at Newark is a power hungry. And I was

02:27:54.139 --> 02:27:57.500
like... Ari Shaffir. He's like, go ahead. I'm

02:27:57.500 --> 02:28:00.319
like, good answer. I used to do concierge key

02:28:00.319 --> 02:28:03.819
for American when I flew American. And there's

02:28:03.819 --> 02:28:06.440
this dude at the gate. Birdfly's private. Tony.

02:28:06.459 --> 02:28:08.639
Go ahead. What is a concierge key? That's like

02:28:08.639 --> 02:28:10.479
their highest level. I got in trouble for talking

02:28:10.479 --> 02:28:11.979
about it on this podcast. I got kicked out of

02:28:11.979 --> 02:28:13.840
concierge key for talking about it on this podcast.

02:28:14.159 --> 02:28:15.879
What? What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's concierge

02:28:15.879 --> 02:28:17.360
key? It's their highest level. It's the highest

02:28:17.360 --> 02:28:19.520
level. It's invitation only. Oh, they take you

02:28:19.520 --> 02:28:21.520
into that sneaky little spot. Oh, I did that

02:28:21.520 --> 02:28:24.200
once. What? Yeah. Yeah. It's the highest level

02:28:24.200 --> 02:28:25.860
you can get. It's invitation only by American

02:28:25.860 --> 02:28:28.120
Airlines. I got it. Like for super loyal people.

02:28:28.239 --> 02:28:30.079
And they're like, do not talk about it. And I

02:28:30.079 --> 02:28:33.239
talked about it on Rogan. woman called me and

02:28:33.239 --> 02:28:37.340
chastised me wow and said uh and said just so

02:28:37.340 --> 02:28:39.829
you know We don't appreciate you talking about

02:28:39.829 --> 02:28:42.110
this on your little podcast. It's the biggest

02:28:42.110 --> 02:28:44.649
podcast in the world. And they lost me at that

02:28:44.649 --> 02:28:46.450
moment. I go, you're not allowed to call me and

02:28:46.450 --> 02:28:48.389
chastise me in my house. That's not how that

02:28:48.389 --> 02:28:50.409
works. Not unless I come super fast, right? Yeah.

02:28:52.409 --> 02:28:55.290
This isn't cool. So how could they have a thing

02:28:55.290 --> 02:28:56.969
that you're not allowed to talk about? It's called

02:28:56.969 --> 02:28:59.149
concierge key. Tom Papa hit me up about it. He's

02:28:59.149 --> 02:29:02.309
dying to get it. You go through a private line

02:29:02.309 --> 02:29:04.510
in the airport. Now I just do private suite,

02:29:04.649 --> 02:29:07.370
which is fucking the best. That's a separate

02:29:07.370 --> 02:29:09.159
entrance. on the other side of the airport. That's

02:29:09.159 --> 02:29:10.979
the shit. That's the shit. Yeah, I've done that.

02:29:11.079 --> 02:29:13.040
That's where Beyonce goes. That's where Beyonce,

02:29:13.459 --> 02:29:16.700
Kardashians, everyone goes there. Private entrance?

02:29:16.780 --> 02:29:19.319
You gotta get a membership. Own TSA. Are you

02:29:19.319 --> 02:29:21.879
allowed to talk about that? Fuck yes. They're

02:29:21.879 --> 02:29:24.639
fucking badass. Do you see the picture? Pull

02:29:24.639 --> 02:29:28.579
up my stories. They had a bottle of Tito's wrapped

02:29:28.579 --> 02:29:31.899
in caution tape in my suite yesterday. And they're

02:29:31.899 --> 02:29:34.059
like, we'll hold this until November. Then the

02:29:34.059 --> 02:29:36.559
dude rolled in. Oh, that's awesome. I told them,

02:29:36.600 --> 02:29:39.819
I go, man, I'm, I'm bummed. I need a treat to

02:29:39.819 --> 02:29:42.319
be here, and I don't see any treats. They have

02:29:42.319 --> 02:29:44.479
a Diet Root beer. Dude came back with Kool -Aid

02:29:44.479 --> 02:29:46.760
packets. No way. A tray of Kool -Aid packets.

02:29:47.079 --> 02:29:49.260
That's private suite. This is the fucking greatest.

02:29:49.260 --> 02:29:50.840
Oh, look at that. That's awesome. Caution, too.

02:29:51.040 --> 02:29:53.059
It's over October. They are the best. We'll save

02:29:53.059 --> 02:29:54.579
this for until November. Oh, I get it now. That's

02:29:54.579 --> 02:29:56.459
cool. If you don't fly, then look, he just walked

02:29:56.459 --> 02:30:00.180
in with a thing of Kool -Aid for me. What? They're

02:30:00.180 --> 02:30:03.059
the best. The fucking best. Well, you drink Kool

02:30:03.059 --> 02:30:04.540
-Aid. Are you drinking diet Kool -Aid or regular

02:30:04.540 --> 02:30:07.280
Kool -Aid? Zero sugar. Zero sugar. What's in

02:30:07.280 --> 02:30:09.180
there? Zero sugar. It's zero sugar. But what's

02:30:09.180 --> 02:30:14.399
in there? It's not sugar. What's the flavor?

02:30:14.520 --> 02:30:15.799
Have you ever looked at the ingredients? It's

02:30:15.799 --> 02:30:18.479
triglycerides and peptides. It's way better for

02:30:18.479 --> 02:30:22.139
you. Good shit. It keeps you young. The private

02:30:22.139 --> 02:30:25.000
sweets, the shit. The first time I did it, I

02:30:25.000 --> 02:30:27.879
had... They gifted it to me. They said, you know,

02:30:28.020 --> 02:30:30.760
I was coming in. I was panicked. I think my travel

02:30:30.760 --> 02:30:32.620
agent was like, hey, he's only got like eight

02:30:32.620 --> 02:30:35.739
hours in L .A. Private suite. You get a membership,

02:30:35.840 --> 02:30:38.020
right? I'm a member now. Just at LAX or everywhere?

02:30:38.440 --> 02:30:40.819
Just at LAX. At your main airport. But you drive

02:30:40.819 --> 02:30:42.379
in. You take a separate entrance. They bring

02:30:42.379 --> 02:30:43.899
you into a suite. What? They have all the shit

02:30:43.899 --> 02:30:48.040
you like. Liquid death always. Tito's. They bring

02:30:48.040 --> 02:30:52.120
caviar. What? Caviar. What? It's next. It's the

02:30:52.120 --> 02:30:54.780
greatest. Treat you can give yourself flying

02:30:54.780 --> 02:30:57.280
that isn't private, flying private. It's the

02:30:57.280 --> 02:30:59.139
greatest treat you can give yourself. You're

02:30:59.139 --> 02:31:01.799
all about treats. I'm defined by treats. You're

02:31:01.799 --> 02:31:03.739
all about rewards. I'm defined by treats. When

02:31:03.739 --> 02:31:05.139
you guys are talking about self -help books,

02:31:05.219 --> 02:31:08.280
I have a self -help book that I have chaptered

02:31:08.280 --> 02:31:10.120
out for the way I get by. Because there's more

02:31:10.120 --> 02:31:12.239
people that are like me than, like, going to

02:31:12.239 --> 02:31:14.520
be like Cam Haines. So, like, I want those guys

02:31:14.520 --> 02:31:16.840
to succeed. And one of the things, number one

02:31:16.840 --> 02:31:18.700
thing, and I bet you asked a lot of people that

02:31:18.700 --> 02:31:21.020
are successful. the number one thing I need is

02:31:21.020 --> 02:31:22.879
treats. I need a treat. I need something to look

02:31:22.879 --> 02:31:24.860
forward to at the end of the day. And right now

02:31:24.860 --> 02:31:26.260
it's Kool -Aid. I bet I have it in my pocket.

02:31:26.840 --> 02:31:30.440
I just don't walk around without Kool -Aid. I

02:31:30.440 --> 02:31:32.239
don't walk around without Kool -Aid. Because

02:31:32.239 --> 02:31:34.920
I get a bottle of water and I go, I know I should

02:31:34.920 --> 02:31:36.360
drink this water, but I need a treat. I need

02:31:36.360 --> 02:31:38.940
something to... Why don't you put Liquid IV in

02:31:38.940 --> 02:31:40.920
there? Liquid IV tastes great and it's actually

02:31:40.920 --> 02:31:42.520
good for you. I love Liquid IV. They're a little

02:31:42.520 --> 02:31:45.700
bigger packets. Too big for your pocket? Yeah.

02:31:46.949 --> 02:31:50.329
But but private suite is so the first time I

02:31:50.329 --> 02:31:53.549
use it they go wait what experience the problem

02:31:53.549 --> 02:31:59.969
with liquid IV is the packet size I Have one

02:31:59.969 --> 02:32:02.090
in the morning, but I know in my pocket needs

02:32:02.090 --> 02:32:05.850
a fanny pack. How come you don't use one? Yeah,

02:32:06.450 --> 02:32:08.190
are you yeah, I'm a fanny pack. I love you want

02:32:08.190 --> 02:32:12.229
one like this. I have these This is much smaller.

02:32:12.309 --> 02:32:15.209
This is much first time. This how privacy hooked

02:32:15.209 --> 02:32:17.729
me I got eight hours at home. I travel agent

02:32:17.729 --> 02:32:19.829
Reese's out. There's a place called private suite.

02:32:19.909 --> 02:32:21.590
They'll meet you at the plane, take you off the

02:32:21.590 --> 02:32:24.370
plane in a car and get you home. And so they

02:32:24.370 --> 02:32:25.649
grab your bags for you. You don't have to go

02:32:25.649 --> 02:32:28.049
through any of this stuff. That's great. So I

02:32:28.049 --> 02:32:30.889
go and they go, we know you're on a time crunch.

02:32:30.969 --> 02:32:33.319
We got you a helicopter taking you home. What?

02:32:33.319 --> 02:32:36.799
I flew LAX to Burbank. I was home in, from the

02:32:36.799 --> 02:32:40.159
second we touched down, I was home in 20 fucking

02:32:40.159 --> 02:32:43.319
minutes. That's fucking sweet. And the guy gets

02:32:43.319 --> 02:32:45.219
in the helicopter and he goes, you want to go

02:32:45.219 --> 02:32:47.260
to the interstate? You want to go to the ocean?

02:32:47.440 --> 02:32:49.219
I go, go to the ocean. He goes, you want to get

02:32:49.219 --> 02:32:51.860
low? And I was like, fuck yeah. What? And we

02:32:51.860 --> 02:32:56.750
flew about 20 feet off the fucking ocean. and

02:32:56.750 --> 02:32:57.950
then got to Burbank and I was home. Another good

02:32:57.950 --> 02:32:59.930
impression of the sound. You're just killing

02:32:59.930 --> 02:33:03.290
the sound. What the fuck? And by the way, Private

02:33:03.290 --> 02:33:04.450
Sweet, if you're not cool with me talking about

02:33:04.450 --> 02:33:06.370
this, I apologize. I'll never leave you. I'll

02:33:06.370 --> 02:33:08.030
never leave you. I'll be a member forever. Why

02:33:08.030 --> 02:33:10.309
don't we do a tour? Let's do a little tour together.

02:33:10.569 --> 02:33:13.510
Just a few dates. Can I promote it? Because we'll

02:33:13.510 --> 02:33:16.270
be doing fucking stadiums. We will be doing fucking

02:33:16.270 --> 02:33:18.090
stadiums. I don't like outdoors. Tell me what

02:33:18.090 --> 02:33:19.930
you want to do, Joe. The Gorge? Let's do the

02:33:19.930 --> 02:33:22.450
Gorge. What's the Gorge? They have a great music

02:33:22.450 --> 02:33:24.590
festival there near Seattle. We do the Gorge.

02:33:24.590 --> 02:33:26.690
We do that cave in fucking Tennessee. Have you

02:33:26.690 --> 02:33:29.010
seen the cave? Type in cave theater Tennessee.

02:33:29.309 --> 02:33:33.010
This is fucking next level. Look, I'm all about.

02:33:34.280 --> 02:33:36.479
Eventizing an evening. I love. There's nothing

02:33:36.479 --> 02:33:39.079
I love more than hearing Steely Dan's coming

02:33:39.079 --> 02:33:40.760
to the Hollywood Bowl. Look at this. Oh, my God.

02:33:40.860 --> 02:33:42.739
Where is that? That looks like an Edinburgh.

02:33:44.020 --> 02:33:47.639
That's intense. Oh, my God. That's amazing. The

02:33:47.639 --> 02:33:50.340
sound. Holy shit. That's incredible. Why have

02:33:50.340 --> 02:33:52.440
I never heard of this? Dude, I'm telling you

02:33:52.440 --> 02:33:54.760
right now. Who is that on stage? I think it's

02:33:54.760 --> 02:34:02.540
your mom. Oh, my God. My mom. Dude, that fucking

02:34:02.540 --> 02:34:06.020
cave was incredible. Look at the gorge. That's

02:34:06.020 --> 02:34:10.500
fucking Red Rocks. Red Rocks, I might be the

02:34:10.500 --> 02:34:12.620
most jealous of anyone I've ever seen play a

02:34:12.620 --> 02:34:15.200
venue was you playing Red Rocks. You love Red

02:34:15.200 --> 02:34:17.579
Rocks? It's just so cool. John Denver said if

02:34:17.579 --> 02:34:19.600
I had one set left in my life, it would be Red

02:34:19.600 --> 02:34:23.899
Rocks. You haven't done Red Rocks? No. The Beatles

02:34:23.899 --> 02:34:27.600
played there. I mean, it's like, it's such, A

02:34:27.600 --> 02:34:29.420
great night in that you get there early. That's

02:34:29.420 --> 02:34:32.159
where Bird did his last special. Yeah. You get

02:34:32.159 --> 02:34:34.360
there early. You go in. I've been hiking there.

02:34:34.559 --> 02:34:38.219
You do. That's the first time I did Red Rocks.

02:34:38.299 --> 02:34:40.579
Wow. I'm a little overweight there. I think I

02:34:40.579 --> 02:34:42.340
gave Norma that shirt. You look exactly the same.

02:34:42.479 --> 02:34:50.420
I know. But Red Rocks, you go in, you get in

02:34:50.420 --> 02:34:51.780
there early, you do your sound check, you get

02:34:51.780 --> 02:34:54.479
an IV, you get dinner at the venue. They make

02:34:54.479 --> 02:34:56.899
great dinner. Then everyone starts piling in.

02:34:56.940 --> 02:34:58.739
The show starts. The best part of Red Rocks is

02:34:58.739 --> 02:35:00.639
they give you an option. You can go Sebastian

02:35:00.639 --> 02:35:02.500
Maniscalco, get in a Sprinter, get out immediately.

02:35:03.340 --> 02:35:04.959
Or you've got to wait until traffic dies. Are

02:35:04.959 --> 02:35:07.059
you telling me I get to make a Tito's and soda

02:35:07.059 --> 02:35:08.979
and have a joint and sit on stage at Red Rocks?

02:35:08.979 --> 02:35:12.780
Sit on stage as they go? As it's empty. You smoke

02:35:12.780 --> 02:35:15.899
a joint and go, fuck yes. See the stars out there?

02:35:15.979 --> 02:35:19.940
Dude, it's amazing. And the thing that I'm really

02:35:19.940 --> 02:35:26.920
attached to right now is giving... immersing

02:35:26.920 --> 02:35:29.079
yourself in the fan experience as an artist and

02:35:29.079 --> 02:35:31.100
saying, what do I want out of life? I think it's

02:35:31.100 --> 02:35:35.239
easy for you to go, who gets me excited? If you're

02:35:35.239 --> 02:35:38.280
a fan of Wilco, I'm a fan of Wilco. I saw Wilco

02:35:38.280 --> 02:35:40.739
at... fucking these cocksuckers. I saw them at

02:35:40.739 --> 02:35:42.840
Red Rocks and I was high and I was drunk and

02:35:42.840 --> 02:35:45.680
I was crying. One of the songs, bawling, crying.

02:35:46.020 --> 02:35:47.920
Cameraman just puts the camera on me and I'm

02:35:47.920 --> 02:35:50.420
sobbing, crying, holding my wife, singing along.

02:35:50.739 --> 02:35:53.639
But that moment for me is beautiful because I

02:35:53.639 --> 02:35:55.860
love Wilco. And I got to see him at the most

02:35:55.860 --> 02:35:58.819
beautiful venue ever. I try to do that for my

02:35:58.819 --> 02:36:00.420
tour. Looking at you from the audience. From

02:36:00.420 --> 02:36:02.120
the audience perspective. If you're a fan of

02:36:02.120 --> 02:36:04.100
Burt, what do you want? And this is what's great

02:36:04.100 --> 02:36:06.620
about touring when we did Fully Loaded with Shane

02:36:06.620 --> 02:36:09.340
Gillis. He goes, Are you fucking kidding me?

02:36:09.420 --> 02:36:10.799
We're at a baseball field and you're just going

02:36:10.799 --> 02:36:13.579
to walk on stage? He goes, you come running in

02:36:13.579 --> 02:36:16.000
from right field, the bullpen. You come in. Play

02:36:16.000 --> 02:36:17.920
the walkout song. Play the walkout song. Mariano

02:36:17.920 --> 02:36:20.540
Nirvana. Close enough. Yeah, whatever. Fucking

02:36:20.540 --> 02:36:24.899
the Metallica song, you know? Enter Sandman.

02:36:24.899 --> 02:36:29.180
Enter Sandman. Because it's lights out. And by

02:36:29.180 --> 02:36:32.459
the way, I got chills right now. I go up for

02:36:32.459 --> 02:36:35.579
that and just sprinting. We do Thunder Valley.

02:36:35.680 --> 02:36:37.799
They go, we'll put you in a sprint car. we'll

02:36:37.799 --> 02:36:44.219
play at the starting line. And you're going 90

02:36:44.219 --> 02:36:47.159
miles an hour standing up in a fucking car. For

02:36:47.159 --> 02:36:50.399
me, I think that's amazing. So when you say a

02:36:50.399 --> 02:36:55.819
tour of us, my cock gets hard. And I go, you

02:36:55.819 --> 02:36:58.540
eventize that. How come we haven't done that

02:36:58.540 --> 02:37:01.040
yet? We talked about it before. We have to plan

02:37:01.040 --> 02:37:05.239
it far out. I need to write a whole new act.

02:37:06.010 --> 02:37:08.770
I'm in that spot where just filmed and I've got

02:37:08.770 --> 02:37:10.530
to fucking figure out how to put together an

02:37:10.530 --> 02:37:13.149
hour. He's the problem because he's already doing

02:37:13.149 --> 02:37:15.329
the biggest venues you can do. Right, but he'll

02:37:15.329 --> 02:37:18.290
be done around the time that the club's open

02:37:18.290 --> 02:37:20.030
and I'm ready to - He's touring until his children

02:37:20.030 --> 02:37:23.469
are in high school. No. I do have my international

02:37:23.469 --> 02:37:25.790
stuff next year, but it ends in May. That's April,

02:37:25.829 --> 02:37:28.290
yeah. We could do June or later. June or later

02:37:28.290 --> 02:37:29.950
is good. That's a good timeline. I got fully

02:37:29.950 --> 02:37:33.299
loaded, too. I'm doing it for six weeks. Or October

02:37:33.299 --> 02:37:35.940
-ish. Yeah, but that's just six weeks. So we

02:37:35.940 --> 02:37:37.860
talk about August, September. September. I'd

02:37:37.860 --> 02:37:40.579
do it. Yeah. I'd do it. It'd be fun. Well, really,

02:37:40.879 --> 02:37:43.120
the way to do it is right before Sober October.

02:37:44.000 --> 02:37:46.079
Oh, right. Yeah. Right? You don't want to do

02:37:46.079 --> 02:37:48.299
it in October. Right. Fuck that. Party in September,

02:37:48.479 --> 02:37:50.120
then. Are we committed to Sober October for the

02:37:50.120 --> 02:37:52.180
rest of our lives? I will. Can I make a couple

02:37:52.180 --> 02:37:54.440
suggestions for next year's? Weed. Put weed back

02:37:54.440 --> 02:37:57.100
on the menu. Tonight is going to be a triggering

02:37:57.100 --> 02:37:58.680
event for me. I haven't had a triggering event

02:37:58.680 --> 02:38:00.059
yet. We're going to see Roger Waters. Why? Because

02:38:00.059 --> 02:38:01.639
I haven't been in a situation where booze should

02:38:01.639 --> 02:38:04.379
be here or I should be on acid for Roger Waters.

02:38:04.500 --> 02:38:07.299
Yeah. And that will be a... I'll be itchy. I

02:38:07.299 --> 02:38:08.899
hung out with Roger Waters yesterday. I played

02:38:08.899 --> 02:38:11.260
pool with him. You did? Yeah. You guys podcasted?

02:38:11.340 --> 02:38:13.299
Yeah, we podcasted, played pool. How was he?

02:38:13.360 --> 02:38:16.500
He's great. He's awesome. He's such an interesting

02:38:16.500 --> 02:38:18.819
guy. He's so fucking smart. I interviewed with

02:38:18.819 --> 02:38:24.940
him for the 25th or 30th anniversary of... Dark

02:38:24.940 --> 02:38:27.120
side of the moon and they were like did you know

02:38:27.120 --> 02:38:28.860
when you were writing this like what kind of

02:38:28.860 --> 02:38:31.020
effect? How big it would be and he was like yeah,

02:38:31.120 --> 02:38:36.100
I mean, it's great He takes this shit very very

02:38:36.100 --> 02:38:37.659
serious, I think he did an interview recently

02:38:37.659 --> 02:38:41.059
about Russia Yeah, yeah, it was like he was very

02:38:41.059 --> 02:38:43.159
anti -war. We talked about that a lot yesterday,

02:38:43.219 --> 02:38:47.399
but he was Kind of pro -russian his thing. No,

02:38:47.399 --> 02:38:49.940
not necessarily. He was saying that there's reasons

02:38:49.940 --> 02:38:52.459
why they're reacting this way Yeah, this is we

02:38:52.459 --> 02:38:55.579
violated treaties NATO has pushed. This was talking

02:38:55.579 --> 02:38:58.379
about Yeah, it's not as simple and cut and dry

02:38:58.379 --> 02:38:59.879
as everybody said we orchestrated a coup there

02:38:59.879 --> 02:39:02.760
in 2014 Yeah, I mean, it's not that simple. It's

02:39:02.760 --> 02:39:06.700
like they've openly tried to persuade Ukraine

02:39:06.700 --> 02:39:09.620
to join NATO and yeah, there's a lot going on

02:39:09.620 --> 02:39:11.600
with that I mean, it's not to excuse what Putin

02:39:11.600 --> 02:39:13.879
did Putin did something absolutely horrific,

02:39:14.079 --> 02:39:15.500
but it's not like it was He wasn't provoked.

02:39:15.899 --> 02:39:17.899
Well, sure, he was provoked. And it's not like

02:39:17.899 --> 02:39:19.319
there aren't people that have a movie in a can

02:39:19.319 --> 02:39:21.000
about Russia that are waiting to release until

02:39:21.000 --> 02:39:22.680
this fucking war's over. Yeah, when was that

02:39:22.680 --> 02:39:24.899
movie completed? It's over. We're fucking sitting

02:39:24.899 --> 02:39:27.180
here. When was it completed? How long ago? Almost

02:39:27.180 --> 02:39:29.719
a year? Probably a year ago. That is so wild

02:39:29.719 --> 02:39:32.319
that you can't release it because it's kind of

02:39:32.319 --> 02:39:33.799
pro -Russia. I think you were done over a year

02:39:33.799 --> 02:39:36.280
ago. Yeah. And the war started and they were

02:39:36.280 --> 02:39:38.719
just like, oh, let's just, I remember them going,

02:39:38.799 --> 02:39:42.450
we don't want you. Talking about the war. It's

02:39:42.450 --> 02:39:44.729
probably smart. You're probably not the expert

02:39:44.729 --> 02:39:46.209
on that. I was like, wait, are we not pro -Russia?

02:39:46.350 --> 02:39:48.190
And they're like, okay, good call, good call.

02:39:49.209 --> 02:39:50.709
Let's wait another two months. I was like, wait,

02:39:50.790 --> 02:39:53.329
guys, guys, they're our allies, right? Our axis,

02:39:53.450 --> 02:39:56.950
something? The best. Axis of evil. That sounds

02:39:56.950 --> 02:40:00.090
pretty cool. Who's that? Wait, Hitler had friends?

02:40:00.569 --> 02:40:03.950
They were our allies at one point in time. The

02:40:03.950 --> 02:40:08.260
best, best Pink Floyd song. In your opinion,

02:40:08.319 --> 02:40:10.920
what's if you there's a song that you just so

02:40:10.920 --> 02:40:13.760
many I mean for me. It's money money is Fucking

02:40:13.760 --> 02:40:25.819
song is so good that song They use like non instrumental

02:40:25.819 --> 02:40:30.760
instruments To start off, that was pretty good.

02:40:31.200 --> 02:40:33.399
Good job, man. Way to go, Michael Winslow. I

02:40:33.399 --> 02:40:36.000
learned from the master. Taking away the moments

02:40:36.000 --> 02:40:39.620
that make up a dull day. That transition into

02:40:39.620 --> 02:40:44.260
that song, that... Here we go. This is money,

02:40:44.340 --> 02:40:51.750
right? Yeah. Money! It's so badass. They have

02:40:51.750 --> 02:40:54.290
so many good fucking songs. And when you talk

02:40:54.290 --> 02:40:56.850
to Roger, you kind of know where it's coming

02:40:56.850 --> 02:41:01.149
from, man. It's like, the guy is so deep. I mean,

02:41:01.149 --> 02:41:38.989
the... God damn, this is good. Right now, Burt

02:41:38.989 --> 02:41:42.209
is picturing walking shirtless onto stage. What's

02:41:42.209 --> 02:41:43.950
the point of this song? What's the switch, though?

02:41:44.670 --> 02:41:48.190
He's like, it's not the way to live life? I think

02:41:48.190 --> 02:41:50.549
it's pointing out how crazy it is, the obsession

02:41:50.549 --> 02:41:56.309
that people have with money. The best is the

02:41:56.309 --> 02:41:58.790
one song they have about trying to split up the

02:41:58.790 --> 02:42:01.610
band. How people are trying to split up? Yeah.

02:42:02.229 --> 02:42:04.610
Hey, kid, you'll go far. I think you'll be a

02:42:04.610 --> 02:42:06.590
big star as long as you get rid of it. Which

02:42:06.590 --> 02:42:08.920
one of you is pink? What's that song, Jamie?

02:42:10.159 --> 02:42:12.180
And then 10 years will pass. That's my favorite

02:42:12.180 --> 02:42:14.120
lyric. How does it go? And then 10 years will

02:42:14.120 --> 02:42:18.739
pass without you noticing. Yeah. I would listen

02:42:18.739 --> 02:42:22.579
to this every day in Serbia going to the... Have

02:42:22.579 --> 02:42:29.280
a cigar. Yeah. How are we going to go to see

02:42:29.280 --> 02:42:32.200
this over? That's crazy. How are we going to

02:42:32.200 --> 02:42:33.739
go to see this over? I feel like we should have

02:42:33.739 --> 02:42:36.500
a one day we pass. Matt Staggs had a good point.

02:42:36.989 --> 02:42:40.069
A religious exemption. Oh, this is a religion.

02:42:40.329 --> 02:42:43.229
Yeah. Where's the show? Oh, this is such a jam.

02:42:43.670 --> 02:42:47.829
Where's the show? It's here. But what then? I'm

02:42:47.829 --> 02:42:51.649
not sure. And, you know, he's got this insane

02:42:51.649 --> 02:42:55.549
visual. Oh, my God. It's so fucking cool. Almost

02:42:55.549 --> 02:42:58.850
like a sin not to smoke weed. He had, when I

02:42:58.850 --> 02:43:03.149
saw him. Keep talking. I like what you're saying.

02:43:06.059 --> 02:43:08.639
This with lights. Oh my God. I'm going to buy

02:43:08.639 --> 02:43:13.899
a can of paint and a paper bag. You guys should

02:43:13.899 --> 02:43:17.920
do poppers. Whatever I got to do. I'm going to

02:43:17.920 --> 02:43:19.979
hold my breath. He had a bunch of kids come out

02:43:19.979 --> 02:43:39.600
on stage with torture masks on. He's just talking

02:43:39.600 --> 02:43:40.780
about agents trying to fuck up his shit. This

02:43:40.780 --> 02:43:49.479
is Hollywood. This is Hollywood. This is Hollywood.

02:43:50.040 --> 02:43:59.520
Which one's pink? He wants to split them up immediately.

02:44:00.899 --> 02:44:02.159
That's what they're trying to do to us, guys.

02:44:02.559 --> 02:44:08.020
To us? Who's trying to split us up? Hollywood,

02:44:08.100 --> 02:44:15.510
baby. Hollywood, baby. Hollywood has about as

02:44:15.510 --> 02:44:18.489
much influence on us as that banana rat does.

02:44:20.329 --> 02:44:22.889
That's true. We're completely... You're moved.

02:44:22.950 --> 02:44:25.389
What can you... We're the industry now. You can

02:44:25.389 --> 02:44:27.870
choose to dip into it if you want, but you don't

02:44:27.870 --> 02:44:30.370
have to. It's so funny, especially when comics

02:44:30.370 --> 02:44:33.629
come under fire and people turn on your friends

02:44:33.629 --> 02:44:35.969
and you're like, no. Why? What are you talking

02:44:35.969 --> 02:44:38.469
about? No. Suck it. Well, the people that don't

02:44:38.469 --> 02:44:40.270
have friends want you to turn on your friends.

02:44:40.549 --> 02:44:43.069
The people that are in this weird fucking group

02:44:43.069 --> 02:44:45.430
of people that are secretly fucking jealous and

02:44:45.430 --> 02:44:47.209
bitter of each other and they're all talking

02:44:47.209 --> 02:44:49.610
shit about each other, those are the ones that

02:44:49.610 --> 02:44:51.270
want you to turn on each other because they want

02:44:51.270 --> 02:44:53.030
you to be like them. But that's what this used

02:44:53.030 --> 02:44:55.350
to be. I remember when I started this business,

02:44:55.409 --> 02:44:58.579
no one had friends. You were kind of friends

02:44:58.579 --> 02:45:01.000
with people until they got something. Yeah, that's

02:45:01.000 --> 02:45:03.420
it. There's still guys like that out there. They're

02:45:03.420 --> 02:45:05.620
friends with you until you do really well, and

02:45:05.620 --> 02:45:07.500
then they just fucking hate. But those are just

02:45:07.500 --> 02:45:09.399
bitter, weird narcissists. You guys started in

02:45:09.399 --> 02:45:11.479
a different system than I did. You started in

02:45:11.479 --> 02:45:13.219
the store. You started in the system that we

02:45:13.219 --> 02:45:14.760
created. Store of door guys, of low -level people.

02:45:14.860 --> 02:45:19.620
It was almost like when Pesci got happy that

02:45:19.620 --> 02:45:21.870
What's -His -Name got made. It was like one of

02:45:21.870 --> 02:45:24.110
us getting made. As soon as somebody got passed,

02:45:24.250 --> 02:45:25.670
Aaron Cater was the first one to get passed,

02:45:25.750 --> 02:45:28.510
and we're like, yes! Yeah, but I was already

02:45:28.510 --> 02:45:32.530
passed. We were like that because we realized

02:45:32.530 --> 02:45:35.229
there was a benefit in all being together. And

02:45:35.229 --> 02:45:37.629
that we realized that there's so much more fun

02:45:37.629 --> 02:45:39.770
and camaraderie than there is this weird, bitter

02:45:39.770 --> 02:45:42.129
loneliness. The driver brought me in today. He's

02:45:42.129 --> 02:45:43.190
like, you've been on here a lot, huh, on this

02:45:43.190 --> 02:45:44.790
podcast? I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, I've

02:45:44.790 --> 02:45:47.190
known Joe. I was like, there's a few guys that

02:45:47.190 --> 02:45:48.889
when you started were like dicks, and there was

02:45:48.889 --> 02:45:51.840
a few guys. you and Ralphie, and they were like,

02:45:51.940 --> 02:45:53.819
you're funny, man, you can do this. Like, it's

02:45:53.819 --> 02:45:56.440
just supportive, I would say for no reason, but

02:45:56.440 --> 02:45:59.420
it's a human reason. to do it, you know? It's

02:45:59.420 --> 02:46:02.579
a human reason. It benefits us. The more people

02:46:02.579 --> 02:46:04.739
that are good, that are doing well, it benefits

02:46:04.739 --> 02:46:07.760
everybody. This weird thing that it's all for

02:46:07.760 --> 02:46:10.540
you, that famine mentality is so poisonous for

02:46:10.540 --> 02:46:13.280
everything, not just for comedy, for every art

02:46:13.280 --> 02:46:16.000
form. You want other people out there that are

02:46:16.000 --> 02:46:18.440
killing it. It's good for you. It's good for

02:46:18.440 --> 02:46:20.540
everyone, and it's definitely good for them.

02:46:20.700 --> 02:46:23.040
My best compliments, when people are like, I

02:46:23.040 --> 02:46:24.680
like this, I like that, my best is like, dude,

02:46:24.739 --> 02:46:27.280
you showed me so many comics. This is not happening.

02:46:27.319 --> 02:46:30.079
I discover all these people. Well, you're great

02:46:30.079 --> 02:46:31.940
at that, too, like highlighting people on your

02:46:31.940 --> 02:46:34.819
social media, too, that are really good. You've

02:46:34.819 --> 02:46:36.639
always been that. You've always been a little

02:46:36.639 --> 02:46:40.420
more socialist. Socialist, yeah. That's a good

02:46:40.420 --> 02:46:43.739
way to put it. I told you this last night, but

02:46:43.739 --> 02:46:46.719
I try to implement that a little bit where you

02:46:46.719 --> 02:46:48.559
try to help put people over and stuff. Yeah,

02:46:48.559 --> 02:46:50.000
put them over. But then you start looking at

02:46:50.000 --> 02:46:51.399
it, and this sounds crazy, but then you get to

02:46:51.399 --> 02:46:54.520
a place where these guys that, like, you kind

02:46:54.520 --> 02:46:57.290
of. I had a conversation with Tim Dillon. I apologize,

02:46:57.389 --> 02:46:59.649
Tim, if I'm overstepping my boundaries. But we

02:46:59.649 --> 02:47:01.190
were talking in my front yard, and he was saying,

02:47:01.350 --> 02:47:03.209
you know, you were one of the first guys to put

02:47:03.209 --> 02:47:05.129
me on a podcast, and I'll never forget it. And

02:47:05.129 --> 02:47:07.409
I was out in L .A. And I was like, yeah, yeah.

02:47:07.569 --> 02:47:09.030
And then you think these guys you're trying to

02:47:09.030 --> 02:47:12.030
put over one day will be over. And now, like,

02:47:12.030 --> 02:47:15.569
Tim's a big get for me. Like, I can't announce

02:47:15.569 --> 02:47:16.950
it, but I have a big thing I'm doing with Tim.

02:47:17.030 --> 02:47:18.989
And I was, like, really grateful that he did

02:47:18.989 --> 02:47:22.909
it. Pioneer contest? And then you think to yourself,

02:47:23.049 --> 02:47:27.190
like, dude. No, it's not a podcast. But you think

02:47:27.190 --> 02:47:29.209
to yourself, like, it's crazy how quick that

02:47:29.209 --> 02:47:31.649
shifts, that paradigm of, like, Chris DiStefano,

02:47:31.770 --> 02:47:33.389
great guy to get on the podcast, like, two years

02:47:33.389 --> 02:47:35.129
ago. And now you're like, hey, man, you're in

02:47:35.129 --> 02:47:36.969
L .A., can you do my podcast? Yeah. And, you

02:47:36.969 --> 02:47:38.850
know, it's like these Mark Norman, Shane – like,

02:47:38.889 --> 02:47:41.510
these guys all kind of pop. Yanni. And, like,

02:47:41.590 --> 02:47:43.549
all these guys kind of pop. Schultz. I remember

02:47:43.549 --> 02:47:45.049
Schultz did Something's Burning when I was in

02:47:45.049 --> 02:47:47.409
New York. And I was like – we were talking. It

02:47:47.409 --> 02:47:48.770
was like, oh, it's good to have you on. And then

02:47:48.770 --> 02:47:51.590
now he's like – He was so quick. He crushed it

02:47:51.590 --> 02:47:53.290
with that thing, too, with that special. Oh,

02:47:53.290 --> 02:47:55.209
my God. It's just the YouTube is over 5 million

02:47:55.209 --> 02:47:58.709
views in a week. It goes 100 ,000 a day. That's

02:47:58.709 --> 02:48:01.870
amazing. I checked it today. Yesterday, I saw

02:48:01.870 --> 02:48:03.469
it, and I went, oh, shit, 5 .5 a week? Shorts

02:48:03.469 --> 02:48:05.959
is another one. I was like, I had like a... late

02:48:05.959 --> 02:48:08.399
to the game on like clips putting clips up but

02:48:08.399 --> 02:48:10.459
I had like a good like riff on stage and we had

02:48:10.459 --> 02:48:12.180
a tape of it I was like hey is there a way I

02:48:12.180 --> 02:48:13.860
just wrote him like is there a way he goes yeah

02:48:13.860 --> 02:48:16.299
yeah you need big lettering you need a big close

02:48:16.299 --> 02:48:17.579
up of your face actually you know what send me

02:48:17.579 --> 02:48:19.600
the clip I'll have my guy like fix it up and

02:48:19.600 --> 02:48:22.459
send it back to you yeah instead of like A lot

02:48:22.459 --> 02:48:24.079
of people are like, I don't know, man. You figure

02:48:24.079 --> 02:48:26.100
it out. People who hoard the opposite. People

02:48:26.100 --> 02:48:29.860
who hoard information. He came from New York

02:48:29.860 --> 02:48:31.959
to L .A. I remember when Schultz came to L .A.,

02:48:31.959 --> 02:48:34.000
he's like, dude, the scene here is so different.

02:48:34.079 --> 02:48:36.940
Everyone's so fucking supportive. He came to

02:48:36.940 --> 02:48:39.059
the store. He came to the store, and I gave him

02:48:39.059 --> 02:48:41.200
a big hug. I go, what's up? Nice to meet you,

02:48:41.239 --> 02:48:42.700
man. He's like, you want to do a spot? I go,

02:48:42.739 --> 02:48:45.120
fuck yeah. I did a spot on his show, and we were

02:48:45.120 --> 02:48:46.940
all hanging out. He's like, dude, everyone here

02:48:46.940 --> 02:48:49.780
is so fucking supportive and friendly. It's so

02:48:49.780 --> 02:48:52.260
different than New York. He's like, you guys

02:48:52.260 --> 02:48:54.899
are like fucking doing it right, man. And I think

02:48:54.899 --> 02:48:56.520
he just fucking ran with that. He brought that

02:48:56.520 --> 02:48:59.379
vibe to New York. Yes. That's the best vibe,

02:48:59.440 --> 02:49:00.739
man. We're all in this together. There's not

02:49:00.739 --> 02:49:02.319
that many of us. There's not that many of us.

02:49:02.340 --> 02:49:05.000
There's like a thousand of us on earth. Like

02:49:05.000 --> 02:49:07.440
really legitimate comics. There's a thousand

02:49:07.440 --> 02:49:10.799
of us on earth. On the planet. And it's fucking

02:49:10.799 --> 02:49:13.079
hard to get there, man. And if you can grab someone

02:49:13.079 --> 02:49:15.799
who's coming up and give them some words of encouragement

02:49:15.799 --> 02:49:17.420
and help them and take them on the road with

02:49:17.420 --> 02:49:19.040
you a little bit and give them some tips and

02:49:19.040 --> 02:49:21.139
boost them up a little and get them on your podcast,

02:49:21.420 --> 02:49:23.440
you're fucking doing a service, man. Bringing

02:49:23.440 --> 02:49:25.239
them on the road. To all of us. Paying them.

02:49:25.600 --> 02:49:28.260
Especially, I think, probably we've all sort

02:49:28.260 --> 02:49:31.100
of forgotten, like... the status you've gotten

02:49:31.100 --> 02:49:33.520
to like a new young comic who like watched you

02:49:33.520 --> 02:49:35.440
before they even did comedy like carlin would

02:49:35.440 --> 02:49:37.260
sit in the back of the room yeah and when people

02:49:37.260 --> 02:49:38.540
got up like hey man that was really funny he

02:49:38.540 --> 02:49:40.540
knew he was george carlin giving you that compliment

02:49:40.540 --> 02:49:43.680
yes and it's tough to remember who who now what

02:49:43.680 --> 02:49:46.219
you what your name means but a little bit of

02:49:46.219 --> 02:49:47.920
just like hey that was a really funny joke goes

02:49:47.920 --> 02:49:50.420
a long way like a young comic do you remember

02:49:50.420 --> 02:49:52.930
the first comic that I remember the first comic

02:49:52.930 --> 02:49:55.329
that complimented any of my jokes. Like, the

02:49:55.329 --> 02:49:57.610
first compliment I got from a real comic was

02:49:57.610 --> 02:50:01.690
Jim Norton. And I was like, I'm in. I'm in. I'm

02:50:01.690 --> 02:50:03.489
there. I'm there. It gets you from quitting.

02:50:03.610 --> 02:50:05.670
The in -between days where you're like, I don't

02:50:05.670 --> 02:50:07.350
know if I can do this. For me, it was Marc Maron.

02:50:07.850 --> 02:50:09.829
Really? Marc Maron gave me a compliment when

02:50:09.829 --> 02:50:11.809
I was an open miker. Pulled me aside. He goes,

02:50:11.829 --> 02:50:13.209
you're really funny, man. You're really doing

02:50:13.209 --> 02:50:15.010
some good stuff, man. Keep at it. It's great.

02:50:15.489 --> 02:50:17.290
Wow. He was like, don't listen to anybody. Just

02:50:17.290 --> 02:50:20.750
keep doing your shit. I was like. It was giant.

02:50:20.989 --> 02:50:24.409
I was like a year in. It was giant. It made me

02:50:24.409 --> 02:50:27.090
feel so good. Just a little compliment like that.

02:50:27.250 --> 02:50:28.649
Louie and I were talking about that the other

02:50:28.649 --> 02:50:31.170
day. Someone saying that to you. Yeah. When you're

02:50:31.170 --> 02:50:33.549
coming up, it's so valuable. Someone that thinks

02:50:33.549 --> 02:50:36.680
you're good. And I say that too. Every comic

02:50:36.680 --> 02:50:38.920
that I see that laughs, that gets me to laugh,

02:50:39.079 --> 02:50:41.360
I say, you got the hardest part already. You're

02:50:41.360 --> 02:50:43.739
funny. Just keep doing it. Just keep working.

02:50:43.840 --> 02:50:46.000
Stay in it. Keep grinding. Just keep fucking

02:50:46.000 --> 02:50:48.520
writing new shit and keep doing it. You've already

02:50:48.520 --> 02:50:50.440
got the hardest part. The hardest part is being

02:50:50.440 --> 02:50:53.510
funny. Everything else is just work. The hardest,

02:50:53.590 --> 02:50:56.090
it's so hard. Some people never figure out the

02:50:56.090 --> 02:50:57.969
funny thing, man. They just, they don't get it.

02:50:58.030 --> 02:51:00.389
There's like a, it's like they can't grab it.

02:51:00.409 --> 02:51:02.469
Like almost they touch it and it runs away from

02:51:02.469 --> 02:51:04.229
them. They just can't get it. And you'll see

02:51:04.229 --> 02:51:05.950
them 10 years later and they still can't get

02:51:05.950 --> 02:51:08.489
it. That's the sad part. I still don't get it.

02:51:08.549 --> 02:51:11.770
Louis, I mean, like at times, you know, you ever

02:51:11.770 --> 02:51:14.450
had someone compliment a joke of yours that isn't

02:51:14.450 --> 02:51:16.590
the funniest joke you have? And then you're like,

02:51:16.629 --> 02:51:18.170
well, now I got to figure out that fucking joke.

02:51:18.209 --> 02:51:20.090
And they find something in it that works. Louie

02:51:20.090 --> 02:51:21.649
did that to me when we were in Minneapolis. He

02:51:21.649 --> 02:51:23.850
came into this spot. We were next, theater's

02:51:23.850 --> 02:51:25.489
next door. I said, why don't you come over and

02:51:25.489 --> 02:51:27.069
just do a quick spot? He said, you sure? And

02:51:27.069 --> 02:51:28.909
I was like, yeah. Thinking, I thought he was

02:51:28.909 --> 02:51:30.149
talking about the cancel shit. It was because

02:51:30.149 --> 02:51:33.170
he. He's a fucking monster. I gotta follow Louis

02:51:33.170 --> 02:51:35.629
C .K. I didn't realize that. Shirt comes off,

02:51:35.690 --> 02:51:38.409
everyone's like, boo. Are you sure you want me

02:51:38.409 --> 02:51:40.469
to go in front of you? I literally was like,

02:51:40.590 --> 02:51:43.829
Louis, I don't care about cancel culture. And

02:51:43.829 --> 02:51:45.290
then I'm watching, I'm like, oh, I can't follow

02:51:45.290 --> 02:51:49.709
this. And so he comes up and he goes, hey man,

02:51:49.770 --> 02:51:52.850
that deaf kid joke, fucking yes. And I was like,

02:51:52.969 --> 02:51:56.200
out of all the things? I was like, that's the

02:51:56.200 --> 02:51:58.239
one I don't, that's not. So now I've been fucking

02:51:58.239 --> 02:52:00.440
toiling with this one goddamn joke that he saw

02:52:00.440 --> 02:52:02.719
something in that I'm like, I guess there's some

02:52:02.719 --> 02:52:05.479
umami inside this joke that I can't find. This

02:52:05.479 --> 02:52:07.319
is Brian Simpson joke. I don't want to give up

02:52:07.319 --> 02:52:08.659
the jokes. I would give up the premise. It's

02:52:08.659 --> 02:52:11.459
too much, but he's got this one joke. The premise

02:52:11.459 --> 02:52:13.559
is so strong. My God, dude, there's something

02:52:13.559 --> 02:52:16.459
there. He goes, I know. What is it? What is it?

02:52:16.459 --> 02:52:18.180
I go, I don't know, dude, but I laughed so hard

02:52:18.180 --> 02:52:20.579
just at the premise. He's so funny. He's so good.

02:52:20.739 --> 02:52:23.379
He writes so much. He's so disciplined. He writes

02:52:23.379 --> 02:52:26.500
every day. He always has new shit. Oh, and it's

02:52:26.500 --> 02:52:29.620
so tight. Yeah, he's really funny. He's one of

02:52:29.620 --> 02:52:32.280
those guys. There's this crop of upcoming guys,

02:52:32.399 --> 02:52:34.579
man, that are so strong, and they're embracing

02:52:34.579 --> 02:52:37.200
stand -up. And I think it's because of the guys

02:52:37.200 --> 02:52:39.500
that have already made it that are, like, really

02:52:39.500 --> 02:52:42.680
enthusiastic. About them, too. Yes. Because everybody's

02:52:42.680 --> 02:52:44.559
excited about Brian because he's the real deal.

02:52:44.680 --> 02:52:46.739
He's the real deal. And he thinks differently.

02:52:46.959 --> 02:52:48.659
He thinks differently. Yeah, he thinks like a

02:52:48.659 --> 02:52:51.819
man. And talks to you in analogies that I never

02:52:51.819 --> 02:52:54.579
fucking thought of. Where you're like, oh, shit,

02:52:54.620 --> 02:52:55.979
I didn't see it that way. He's like, that's what

02:52:55.979 --> 02:52:58.719
life is. And you're like, hmm. His perspective

02:52:58.719 --> 02:53:03.479
is totally unique. Yeah. It's so fucking valuable,

02:53:03.600 --> 02:53:05.040
man. I just remember right now, Tom, when you

02:53:05.040 --> 02:53:08.959
brought me to Crackers. Oh, yeah. And it's probably,

02:53:09.340 --> 02:53:11.639
at the time for you, a $1 ,200 to $1 ,500 gig.

02:53:11.879 --> 02:53:12.959
It's true. And you're like, it's break even already.

02:53:13.020 --> 02:53:14.840
I couldn't get a headline gig anywhere except

02:53:14.840 --> 02:53:16.780
La Jolla. And you're like, come break even, but

02:53:16.780 --> 02:53:20.059
it'll get in the club. Yeah. And yeah, I did.

02:53:20.200 --> 02:53:21.979
Yeah. It was a big fucking thing for me. Yeah,

02:53:21.979 --> 02:53:24.170
that was cool. Dude, I took you on the road when

02:53:24.170 --> 02:53:27.409
you were a doorman. That's a hard D you used.

02:53:28.069 --> 02:53:30.670
Doorman. You were a doorman. You were. You were

02:53:30.670 --> 02:53:33.129
just starting out, man. That was actually, getting

02:53:33.129 --> 02:53:35.530
back from those first six months, all my friends

02:53:35.530 --> 02:53:37.500
were like, dude, you made a jump. And it was

02:53:37.500 --> 02:53:39.399
like, yeah, playing 300 -seaters of good crowds.

02:53:39.440 --> 02:53:41.840
Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, dude. You actually called.

02:53:42.100 --> 02:53:43.700
A lot of people would be like, hey, man, you're

02:53:43.700 --> 02:53:46.219
funny. And they'd be like, give me your number.

02:53:46.799 --> 02:53:49.059
Oh, yeah, how you found you. Right, but those

02:53:49.059 --> 02:53:51.739
people just never call. I remember one time I

02:53:51.739 --> 02:53:53.520
called an agent. I was like, hey, your client

02:53:53.520 --> 02:53:55.600
said that they wanted to take me on tour. And

02:53:55.600 --> 02:53:58.639
they were like, OK. And then I followed up. And

02:53:58.639 --> 02:54:00.200
they were like, yeah, they. They don't want to

02:54:00.200 --> 02:54:02.120
do that. I was like, oh, okay. Well, we worked

02:54:02.120 --> 02:54:04.239
with like 20 different comics on that Charlie

02:54:04.239 --> 02:54:06.579
Murphy tour, and you were the one I worked with

02:54:06.579 --> 02:54:08.719
in Phoenix. Yeah. And you went up in Phoenix,

02:54:08.739 --> 02:54:10.139
and I think you did like three minutes. Yeah,

02:54:10.200 --> 02:54:13.879
three minutes. And what? Killed. And then I remember

02:54:13.879 --> 02:54:16.059
pulling you aside and going, dude, you're fucking

02:54:16.059 --> 02:54:18.639
good. Yeah, but I still was, he was like, you

02:54:18.639 --> 02:54:19.739
know, well, dude, give me your number. I was

02:54:19.739 --> 02:54:21.780
like, okay. Sure. I didn't think anything of

02:54:21.780 --> 02:54:24.959
it. Because so much smoke. I saw Mooney. He got

02:54:24.959 --> 02:54:27.100
on stage with some guy from HBO. He was like,

02:54:27.180 --> 02:54:28.180
Paul, I haven't seen you in a while. I was like,

02:54:28.260 --> 02:54:32.360
uh -huh, you haven't. And he goes, well, I just

02:54:32.360 --> 02:54:34.540
didn't stop. He goes, we'd love to do something

02:54:34.540 --> 02:54:36.659
again. He goes, I bet you would. And he goes,

02:54:36.780 --> 02:54:39.040
well, give me your number. Do you have a pen?

02:54:39.120 --> 02:54:40.639
I don't have a pen. He goes, no, I don't, motherfucker.

02:54:40.940 --> 02:54:44.620
Do you? Because he had just been like, I've had

02:54:44.620 --> 02:54:47.059
smoke blood on my ass for decades. He was Richard

02:54:47.059 --> 02:54:49.559
Pryor's writer. He wrote with Richard Pryor.

02:54:50.200 --> 02:54:52.059
Paul Mooney's a legend. He's a legend. He was

02:54:52.059 --> 02:54:53.319
one of the ones that really bummed me out when

02:54:53.319 --> 02:54:55.000
he died because I had an opportunity to see him

02:54:55.000 --> 02:54:56.500
one night at the store and I decided to go do

02:54:56.500 --> 02:54:58.940
something else. I remember someone said, Mooney's

02:54:58.940 --> 02:55:00.840
going to do a set at the store. And I hadn't

02:55:00.840 --> 02:55:02.559
seen him in years. And I know he had been in

02:55:02.559 --> 02:55:04.540
New York for a while. And then he was doing a

02:55:04.540 --> 02:55:05.959
set at the store. I don't remember what I had

02:55:05.959 --> 02:55:09.700
to do. It was sad at the end. Yeah, but I still

02:55:09.700 --> 02:55:12.500
wish I said hi and gave him a hug. It always

02:55:12.500 --> 02:55:15.479
is. It's just like he was, whatever the disease

02:55:15.479 --> 02:55:18.909
was, it wasn't. He still had some killer bits,

02:55:19.049 --> 02:55:21.829
but it made you sad. Yeah, but. You saw a man

02:55:21.829 --> 02:55:24.290
like dying. But there's those things that like

02:55:24.290 --> 02:55:26.209
he was one of those guys. Like I told you that

02:55:26.209 --> 02:55:28.209
was him telling me I was funny was just like

02:55:28.209 --> 02:55:31.370
giant to me. You know, it's like there's guys

02:55:31.370 --> 02:55:33.989
that just don't impress easily. When those guys

02:55:33.989 --> 02:55:35.690
come up to you and say something to you, it's

02:55:35.690 --> 02:55:39.270
fucking big. I remember this is going to sound

02:55:39.270 --> 02:55:40.829
so stupid. Like a list of all the people that

02:55:40.829 --> 02:55:43.270
did that. Patrice did it for me on Twitter one

02:55:43.270 --> 02:55:47.040
time. What? I'd fucking birth conquer or whatever,

02:55:47.200 --> 02:55:49.739
and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio, and

02:55:49.739 --> 02:55:52.860
he just put out a tweet saying, hey, congrats

02:55:52.860 --> 02:55:54.459
to my buddy, or whatever. I don't know. I'm not

02:55:54.459 --> 02:55:55.979
going to paraphrase. I know I'm going to fluff

02:55:55.979 --> 02:55:59.639
it up, but it's great to see Bert Kreischer succeeding.

02:55:59.760 --> 02:56:02.239
He's been an OG or whatever in the business,

02:56:02.340 --> 02:56:04.659
and I remember my cameraman, Scott Sands, was

02:56:04.659 --> 02:56:06.739
like, dude, because he knew how much Patrice

02:56:06.739 --> 02:56:08.139
meant to me. He's like, Patrice, did you see

02:56:08.139 --> 02:56:10.719
what he just tweeted? And I read it. I shut my

02:56:10.719 --> 02:56:13.780
door and I fucking cried. I was like, dude, he

02:56:13.780 --> 02:56:19.340
was the fucking, I mean, he was like. He was

02:56:19.340 --> 02:56:22.280
a special voice, too. Yeah, real. Very, very

02:56:22.280 --> 02:56:24.579
special. He's a guy that I think if he was alive

02:56:24.579 --> 02:56:26.440
today, he'd have the biggest podcast. I would

02:56:26.440 --> 02:56:28.600
be number two. He would be number one. Patrice?

02:56:28.780 --> 02:56:32.180
Yeah. Let's be very fair. No, he wouldn't. He

02:56:32.180 --> 02:56:34.819
would not have the biggest podcast. You'd have

02:56:34.819 --> 02:56:37.159
a hard time listening to it. What are you talking

02:56:37.159 --> 02:56:39.819
about? He was great on ONA. He was great on ONA,

02:56:39.899 --> 02:56:41.920
but he did have a podcast, and it was tough to

02:56:41.920 --> 02:56:45.020
listen to. He did? Really? Oh, yeah. Dr. Phillips

02:56:45.020 --> 02:56:47.159
podcast. Oh, yeah, Black Phillip. Black Phillip.

02:56:47.379 --> 02:56:49.959
He had out there theories. If you allow Patrice

02:56:49.959 --> 02:56:54.680
one mic with no pushback, sometimes you get going

02:56:54.680 --> 02:56:56.319
to some places where you're like, I don't feel

02:56:56.319 --> 02:57:01.020
like that totally. I'm just being fair. You know

02:57:01.020 --> 02:57:04.420
I love the guy to death. He had the capacity

02:57:04.420 --> 02:57:05.559
to say, I'm sorry. Yeah, but you have to find

02:57:05.559 --> 02:57:08.319
your voice in a podcast. You have to figure out

02:57:08.319 --> 02:57:10.340
how to do it. We all had to figure out how to

02:57:10.340 --> 02:57:12.040
do it right. Yeah, but Patrice would have been

02:57:12.040 --> 02:57:14.690
great. on this podcast yes he would have been

02:57:14.690 --> 02:57:17.389
yeah yeah yeah oh he would have been amazing

02:57:17.389 --> 02:57:22.270
he was patrice was a genius at like at having

02:57:22.270 --> 02:57:26.149
an idea and putting it your way and then letting

02:57:26.149 --> 02:57:30.129
you kind of go and then just slamming it like

02:57:30.129 --> 02:57:32.350
and going this this this he was so brilliant

02:57:32.350 --> 02:57:34.569
but trust me i listened to a lot of his podcast

02:57:34.569 --> 02:57:37.790
and it was it was early days i remember i got

02:57:37.790 --> 02:57:40.850
a compliment from attell in 05 and i was like

02:57:40.850 --> 02:57:44.260
oh my like I was that could not have been a bigger

02:57:44.260 --> 02:57:47.319
compliment and then the next year 06 he came

02:57:47.319 --> 02:57:50.239
through I love this and he was like he requested

02:57:50.239 --> 02:57:52.340
me I got a call they're like he requested you

02:57:52.340 --> 02:57:57.059
to and I was like oh my god and then after one

02:57:57.059 --> 02:57:58.500
of the shows he was like you don't have a new

02:57:58.500 --> 02:58:01.059
20 minutes and I was like what and he's like

02:58:01.059 --> 02:58:02.299
what do you want to be like an actor or something

02:58:02.299 --> 02:58:05.860
and I was like oh my god like it went from the

02:58:05.860 --> 02:58:08.379
highest high to like But also good tough love.

02:58:08.500 --> 02:58:10.739
Oh, of course it was. It was great. It was super

02:58:10.739 --> 02:58:12.379
tough. He does tough love to himself. I had him

02:58:12.379 --> 02:58:13.719
in here the other day. The toughest love to himself.

02:58:13.719 --> 02:58:17.659
He's so self -deprecating and so humble. It's

02:58:17.659 --> 02:58:19.659
like, dude, you're one of the greatest of all

02:58:19.659 --> 02:58:23.000
time. He is the best. I mean, I'm not saying

02:58:23.000 --> 02:58:25.340
this lightly. The best comic in the world. He's

02:58:25.340 --> 02:58:28.159
consistently every night. Certainly up there.

02:58:28.299 --> 02:58:29.940
He's certainly up there with the greats of all

02:58:29.940 --> 02:58:34.319
time. We did Rochester, and there's a whole city

02:58:34.319 --> 02:58:37.780
behind you. No comic thought to use the city

02:58:37.780 --> 02:58:41.290
landscape as tags for jokes. And Attell went

02:58:41.290 --> 02:58:42.729
up and he talked about, you know, the kind of

02:58:42.729 --> 02:58:45.129
guy that goes to Monroe Community College. And

02:58:45.129 --> 02:58:46.729
we turn around, there's a huge sign that the

02:58:46.729 --> 02:58:48.969
audience sees right above. Oh, if you don't like

02:58:48.969 --> 02:58:51.549
that joke, just pray to the glowing cross up

02:58:51.549 --> 02:58:53.469
on the mountain. And there's a cross up there.

02:58:53.489 --> 02:58:56.450
I mean, he just worked so seamlessly, worked

02:58:56.450 --> 02:58:58.870
the city landscape into his bit. Dude, he did

02:58:58.870 --> 02:59:01.090
stuff that weekend. I still haven't seen people

02:59:01.090 --> 02:59:03.469
do, which is like we were doing like six show

02:59:03.469 --> 02:59:07.120
weekends at Brea. Yeah. And Thursday. He would

02:59:07.120 --> 02:59:09.440
do, you know, his set and there'd be like this

02:59:09.440 --> 02:59:13.319
joke, whatever, 20 minutes in that kills. And

02:59:13.319 --> 02:59:16.440
then Friday early show, there'd be a different

02:59:16.440 --> 02:59:20.219
punchline that would do worse. So Friday late

02:59:20.219 --> 02:59:23.120
show, I would listen and it would be that joke

02:59:23.120 --> 02:59:25.680
again. He would do, he didn't do the Thursday

02:59:25.680 --> 02:59:27.340
night one that killed. He tried yet another.

02:59:27.680 --> 02:59:29.920
Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? And he was

02:59:29.920 --> 02:59:32.180
doing this like throughout his set all the time.

02:59:32.219 --> 02:59:35.440
It was like, he was never satisfied even if it

02:59:35.440 --> 02:59:38.159
was doing well. I was like, he's always tweaking.

02:59:38.159 --> 02:59:41.319
And then he was recording exact words. Like I'd

02:59:41.319 --> 02:59:44.180
never seen somebody. He just doesn't self promote

02:59:44.180 --> 02:59:47.639
at all. No, no. Yeah. He also has a joke structure

02:59:47.639 --> 02:59:50.040
that's different than everybody where we'll do

02:59:50.040 --> 02:59:53.120
tag, tag, tag. Right. Yeah. And then the next

02:59:53.120 --> 02:59:56.879
level is tag, tag up, up, like change the game

02:59:56.879 --> 03:00:00.209
on the third tag. He does. tag, change the game

03:00:00.209 --> 03:00:02.409
slightly, and then go ridiculous in the third.

03:00:02.549 --> 03:00:04.969
You've got to get the audience along with you

03:00:04.969 --> 03:00:08.709
for that, and he does it. He's a master. He's

03:00:08.709 --> 03:00:12.569
one of those guys that quit drinking and actually

03:00:12.569 --> 03:00:15.270
got better. Everyone who quits drinking gets

03:00:15.270 --> 03:00:18.309
better. You too? I'm such a better comic when

03:00:18.309 --> 03:00:20.889
I don't drink. I don't drink on stage, but the

03:00:20.889 --> 03:00:24.079
laziness of the drinking in between. Lack of

03:00:24.079 --> 03:00:26.280
motivation, lack of looking at my sets, lack

03:00:26.280 --> 03:00:29.180
of focus. Or time. Yeah, it just shows up, and

03:00:29.180 --> 03:00:31.260
it rears its head. I think it's fun to get drunk

03:00:31.260 --> 03:00:33.020
on stage every now and then and fuck your act

03:00:33.020 --> 03:00:35.079
up and try to figure it out in the moment or

03:00:35.079 --> 03:00:37.180
get high and do that. But for the most part,

03:00:37.239 --> 03:00:39.719
I have to do stand -ups over. I have to be dialed

03:00:39.719 --> 03:00:43.219
in. Yeah, those weaknesses. I was going back

03:00:43.219 --> 03:00:44.700
from Jackson, getting ready for my special, and

03:00:44.700 --> 03:00:46.680
I was like, I'll get high on the road home with

03:00:46.680 --> 03:00:48.540
Adrian. And then I was like, no, I know what

03:00:48.540 --> 03:00:50.219
else is going to happen if I get high. I'll go

03:00:50.219 --> 03:00:53.000
home and watch TV. And if I don't get high, I'll

03:00:53.000 --> 03:00:55.559
go work on some of those taglines. That's the

03:00:55.559 --> 03:00:57.979
opposite with me. When I get home from a gig,

03:00:58.079 --> 03:01:00.319
I spark up a joint and sit in front of the computer.

03:01:00.579 --> 03:01:02.360
Really? Yeah, man. That's my favorite time to

03:01:02.360 --> 03:01:05.540
write. Like right after I get off stage, because

03:01:05.540 --> 03:01:07.659
I'm fresh. I just got off stage and I have these

03:01:07.659 --> 03:01:09.879
ideas in my head. And everyone's asleep in my

03:01:09.879 --> 03:01:12.799
house. So I just fucking open up the patio door,

03:01:12.940 --> 03:01:15.500
spark one up, and I get nervous and crazy and

03:01:15.500 --> 03:01:17.920
fucking paranoid. And then I run up in front

03:01:17.920 --> 03:01:19.680
of the computer. and start writing. It's a good

03:01:19.680 --> 03:01:22.219
habit. You have a different motivation than other

03:01:22.219 --> 03:01:26.819
people. You probably go on stage as a millionaire

03:01:26.819 --> 03:01:29.540
more than any millionaire in the world. There's

03:01:29.540 --> 03:01:31.200
not a lot of millionaires doing what you do.

03:01:31.860 --> 03:01:34.340
You gotta work out, man. You gotta do what got

03:01:34.340 --> 03:01:39.100
you to the dance. I never stop. You have to you

03:01:39.100 --> 03:01:41.440
have to do clubs you got to do I do little shitty

03:01:41.440 --> 03:01:44.200
shows I do everything when I landed I texted

03:01:44.200 --> 03:01:45.739
I was like I'm going to bed and then you're like

03:01:45.739 --> 03:01:47.379
do a spot and I was like I can't not do a spot

03:01:47.379 --> 03:01:50.020
I'd like if I just go I can write it off and

03:01:50.020 --> 03:01:54.219
go I shamed you I was texting with you and I

03:01:54.219 --> 03:01:55.940
was talking to Ari I was like fuck Bert's going

03:01:55.940 --> 03:01:59.620
to sleep no way fuck that Emily will shame me

03:01:59.620 --> 03:02:01.959
like she'll be like hey I got a doctor I won't

03:02:01.959 --> 03:02:03.639
call him for my avails at the store if I'm home

03:02:03.639 --> 03:02:06.219
through and she'll just be like We have availability

03:02:06.219 --> 03:02:07.620
on Tuesday, and then as soon as I get there,

03:02:07.639 --> 03:02:10.459
I go, I have to do it. I have to do it. You have

03:02:10.459 --> 03:02:12.639
to. It's like you got to put in the work, man.

03:02:12.860 --> 03:02:14.940
It's like there's no substitute for stage time.

03:02:15.059 --> 03:02:17.260
There's no substitute for sets. Like when you

03:02:17.260 --> 03:02:18.860
get in shape, one of the things that I realized

03:02:18.860 --> 03:02:21.520
when I do like a long tour, I really realized

03:02:21.520 --> 03:02:23.260
that for the first time when I did the Charlie

03:02:23.260 --> 03:02:26.579
Murphy tour because we did 22 dates in a month.

03:02:26.819 --> 03:02:29.909
So we were constantly on the road. god damn and

03:02:29.909 --> 03:02:31.450
I was talking to Red Band about this he's like

03:02:31.450 --> 03:02:33.530
dude there's something that happened to you like

03:02:33.530 --> 03:02:36.729
around the 10th show you just got into this zone

03:02:36.729 --> 03:02:38.750
where you just and you're in that right now because

03:02:38.750 --> 03:02:41.729
you're killing we did like 24 shows last month

03:02:41.729 --> 03:02:44.170
something you just know you just now you're just

03:02:44.170 --> 03:02:47.069
like you know it oh i can do shit with this set

03:02:47.069 --> 03:02:49.590
right now we're like i can like rearrange the

03:02:49.590 --> 03:02:51.930
whole order and then play the game in my head

03:02:51.930 --> 03:02:54.250
of figuring out what i haven't done yet right

03:02:54.250 --> 03:02:56.090
but like thinking on the fly while you're killing

03:02:56.090 --> 03:02:57.950
with the bit going what should i do next yeah

03:02:57.950 --> 03:02:59.729
yeah it's like it's kind of fun to do have you

03:02:59.729 --> 03:03:02.569
switched your opener up All the time and closer.

03:03:02.649 --> 03:03:05.469
Yeah. Well Louie said to do that He said develop

03:03:05.469 --> 03:03:07.610
a closing bit and then put in the first part

03:03:07.610 --> 03:03:09.450
of your act Yeah, and he goes and then you have

03:03:09.450 --> 03:03:12.149
to follow it and he goes and so Louie developed

03:03:12.149 --> 03:03:15.450
a whole hour in three months Yeah, and he said

03:03:15.450 --> 03:03:17.850
he just developed 20 minutes and then when he

03:03:17.850 --> 03:03:19.950
got that 20 minutes. He threw it away Yeah, okay.

03:03:20.129 --> 03:03:23.209
That's that works now so discipline doing this

03:03:23.209 --> 03:03:26.069
people say you know though Because the hardest

03:03:26.069 --> 03:03:27.950
thing to do is go to like a pat like the Vulcan

03:03:27.950 --> 03:03:31.229
or like store. It's a hot crowd And to not go

03:03:31.229 --> 03:03:34.829
like, I'm going to go up there. And he will deal

03:03:34.829 --> 03:03:37.930
with not doing well to figure out stuff, to do

03:03:37.930 --> 03:03:39.649
work. It's the only way. He knows the path of

03:03:39.649 --> 03:03:41.729
it. He knows. It's the only way. It's fucking

03:03:41.729 --> 03:03:44.290
hard to do. There's a moment when you start a

03:03:44.290 --> 03:03:46.170
bit that you know is not that good yet. It's

03:03:46.170 --> 03:03:47.930
like, I was killing last night and I threw this

03:03:47.930 --> 03:03:49.569
bit up there. I'm like, I know this is not right.

03:03:49.629 --> 03:03:53.569
I saw it. I saw it. I saw it go like this. I

03:03:53.569 --> 03:03:57.139
saw it. And then it just went. It's like, this

03:03:57.139 --> 03:03:59.200
is going to be something someday. But right now,

03:03:59.319 --> 03:04:01.340
it's just like, bear with me. There's something

03:04:01.340 --> 03:04:04.000
to this. It's got a beginning. It doesn't have

03:04:04.000 --> 03:04:06.100
an end. Because you're all in writing mode right

03:04:06.100 --> 03:04:11.040
now. Yeah. I have 11 new minutes. That's exciting,

03:04:11.219 --> 03:04:13.159
though. You did an hour of change last night.

03:04:13.280 --> 03:04:16.219
Yeah, I did an hour 20. But I have 11 of it that's

03:04:16.219 --> 03:04:19.040
new. And then five more that I'm scared to try.

03:04:19.299 --> 03:04:21.059
It's just like, I know it's like to eat shit.

03:04:21.579 --> 03:04:23.000
And you're like, do I have to eat it right now?

03:04:23.239 --> 03:04:24.979
You know what you got to do is a smaller place

03:04:24.979 --> 03:04:27.959
where it's not like a bunch of murderers. Because

03:04:27.959 --> 03:04:29.819
last night was like murderers row. Everyone was

03:04:29.819 --> 03:04:30.920
just killing. That's the problem with the store

03:04:30.920 --> 03:04:32.840
now. I say you can't go in between Fitzsimmons

03:04:32.840 --> 03:04:35.299
and Rogan and just bring out a notebook. You

03:04:35.299 --> 03:04:37.680
can. It's just like not the best environment

03:04:37.680 --> 03:04:39.920
for it. Dude, nobody turns over an hour like

03:04:39.920 --> 03:04:43.379
Chappelle. I have to see him live. Do eight hours

03:04:43.379 --> 03:04:45.360
a night. I have to see him live. Oh, my God.

03:04:45.440 --> 03:04:47.120
Dude, we did this show in Columbus. You've never

03:04:47.120 --> 03:04:48.920
seen Chappelle live? I saw him do some spots

03:04:48.920 --> 03:04:51.760
in Boston Comedy Club when I was a kid. But I've

03:04:51.760 --> 03:04:54.399
never seen him do live since. We did an arena.

03:04:54.659 --> 03:04:57.440
We did an arena two weeks ago in Columbus. And,

03:04:57.440 --> 03:04:59.799
you know, I was in. ohio that's where he lives

03:04:59.799 --> 03:05:02.479
like a couple hours from his house he drove and

03:05:02.479 --> 03:05:04.600
he got there four minutes before he went on stage

03:05:04.600 --> 03:05:07.239
crazy yeah and uh i wasn't sure if he was going

03:05:07.239 --> 03:05:09.379
to go up so i told tony i go you might be bringing

03:05:09.379 --> 03:05:11.739
me up you might be bringing dave up and so dave

03:05:11.739 --> 03:05:14.159
shows up he rolls in he's like ah sunglasses

03:05:14.159 --> 03:05:16.219
on and he goes on stage you want to see something

03:05:16.219 --> 03:05:18.760
crazy this is the audience not knowing that he's

03:05:18.760 --> 03:05:21.139
going to be there and then i walked with them

03:05:21.139 --> 03:05:23.559
to the stage and sean shined a light to tony

03:05:23.559 --> 03:05:26.579
this is a fucking sold out arena and play this

03:05:26.579 --> 03:05:30.229
because this is i got The audience doesn't know

03:05:30.229 --> 03:05:39.969
that he's there yet. So now they see him. Look

03:05:39.969 --> 03:05:46.870
at this. Dude, it is a one -minute standing ovation.

03:05:51.909 --> 03:05:55.090
That's OSU's arena? Yeah. Wow. Look at this.

03:06:01.200 --> 03:06:08.280
They're losing their fucking minds. That's wild.

03:06:08.500 --> 03:06:13.959
Me and Tony sat in the tunnel before you go on

03:06:13.959 --> 03:06:16.840
stage just watching this. I was like, this is

03:06:16.840 --> 03:06:20.340
magic, man. This is like the Beatles. It's incredible.

03:06:20.979 --> 03:06:25.620
It's incredible. How long did he do? 40 minutes?

03:06:25.819 --> 03:06:29.409
30 minutes? Something like that? It was... fucking

03:06:29.409 --> 03:06:32.930
incredible wow he crushed but it was it wasn't

03:06:32.930 --> 03:06:36.270
just that it was it was the moment because he's

03:06:36.270 --> 03:06:39.750
an ohio guy right so he's in ohio and he's their

03:06:39.750 --> 03:06:42.309
own and he's the goat and he gets on stage and

03:06:42.309 --> 03:06:44.750
they went fucking crazy that's right he's brought

03:06:44.750 --> 03:06:50.129
a little bit back of that 1970s elvis richard

03:06:50.129 --> 03:06:54.760
pryor movie star like That cool you can't manufacture.

03:06:55.860 --> 03:06:58.200
But that's really him, too. He's such a good

03:06:58.200 --> 03:07:01.719
guy. He's such a good guy, too. He's such a fucking

03:07:01.719 --> 03:07:04.920
good person. He has a comedian's ball every year

03:07:04.920 --> 03:07:09.840
besides Pandemic. He rents out a place. Every

03:07:09.840 --> 03:07:11.979
comedian in New York is invited. And he has someone

03:07:11.979 --> 03:07:13.860
at the door who knows all the comedians in New

03:07:13.860 --> 03:07:16.680
York. High level, low level. Open bar. Come have

03:07:16.680 --> 03:07:19.500
a great time on Dave. And what does he do? Does

03:07:19.500 --> 03:07:22.120
he do a show? No. Just hangs out. He gets up.

03:07:22.139 --> 03:07:24.299
He said like two minutes of words, whatever.

03:07:24.520 --> 03:07:26.780
He used to have it in the box. So it was all

03:07:26.780 --> 03:07:29.620
these weird burlesque performers and stuff. He

03:07:29.620 --> 03:07:31.100
just has an event. He goes, talk to each other.

03:07:31.139 --> 03:07:33.520
Talk about comedy. You guys are all the future.

03:07:33.700 --> 03:07:36.020
Enjoy. He threw this after party in New York

03:07:36.020 --> 03:07:38.120
that I went to after we did the - After Radio

03:07:38.120 --> 03:07:43.530
City? No, we did The Garden. Yeah. He did, he

03:07:43.530 --> 03:07:44.909
just like, they're like, oh, he's having a party

03:07:44.909 --> 03:07:46.809
at this thing. And the parties were so, they're

03:07:46.809 --> 03:07:49.469
like so much better than. He had a movie. Remember

03:07:49.469 --> 03:07:51.389
Dave Chappelle's block party? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:07:51.530 --> 03:07:53.489
I went to see that in the movie theater. They

03:07:53.489 --> 03:07:55.190
were wild. It was fucking incredible. That's

03:07:55.190 --> 03:07:57.850
next level. And he makes that announcement. He

03:07:57.850 --> 03:08:00.409
gets on the mic. There's like DJ there. And then,

03:08:00.489 --> 03:08:03.110
you know, it'll be, there's like celebrities,

03:08:03.149 --> 03:08:05.469
but like there's just regular people. And he's

03:08:05.469 --> 03:08:07.430
just like, put your phones away. You know, we

03:08:07.430 --> 03:08:09.069
don't, when he says something like we don't take

03:08:09.069 --> 03:08:11.049
pictures, we make memories. Like stop taking

03:08:11.049 --> 03:08:14.680
pictures. Everybody just hangs out. It's a great

03:08:14.680 --> 03:08:16.659
time for comedy. He also, what you're saying,

03:08:16.700 --> 03:08:17.780
looking at it from the audience point of view,

03:08:17.840 --> 03:08:20.719
he puts on a show. I went to see Free Ticket,

03:08:20.719 --> 03:08:22.739
Live Nation friend, Chris Burns, was like, we

03:08:22.739 --> 03:08:24.600
want to go see his movie at Madison Square Garden.

03:08:24.680 --> 03:08:26.120
I was like, okay. But I know the tickets were

03:08:26.120 --> 03:08:27.780
like a hundred bucks. I'm like, to see a movie?

03:08:28.360 --> 03:08:32.860
No. Jeff Ross, Ronnie Chang, Jabberwockies, the

03:08:32.860 --> 03:08:37.020
movie, who's the guy who sings, Woo Ha, what's

03:08:37.020 --> 03:08:40.860
his name? Busta Rhymes, Fat Joe, Jon Stewart.

03:08:41.079 --> 03:08:43.760
All performed? Him, Jon Stewart and him together.

03:08:44.399 --> 03:08:48.360
It's like, oh, right. That's a bargain show.

03:08:48.379 --> 03:08:52.559
But that's the thing. I mean, look. If you're

03:08:52.559 --> 03:08:55.040
performing, that's where Chappelle's killing

03:08:55.040 --> 03:08:58.430
it. I don't think anyone goes to see a Dave Chappelle

03:08:58.430 --> 03:09:00.989
show and doesn't talk about it for a month. Have

03:09:00.989 --> 03:09:02.989
such a good time. I mean, it's like, you know,

03:09:03.010 --> 03:09:04.909
especially the shows you two were doing when

03:09:04.909 --> 03:09:07.110
you guys did the Tacoma Dome for 33 ,000 people.

03:09:07.590 --> 03:09:10.729
25. I would have just let me go with it. Don't

03:09:10.729 --> 03:09:13.790
let him. We broke the attendance record. So the

03:09:13.790 --> 03:09:16.549
33 breaks at two. Just let it go. What's the

03:09:16.549 --> 03:09:19.610
difference? 25 is crazy enough. But it's like

03:09:19.610 --> 03:09:22.549
that's the thing that I don't think he's looking

03:09:22.549 --> 03:09:25.329
at it as just what he does, but that's where

03:09:25.329 --> 03:09:30.129
his head is. That block party was so next level.

03:09:30.389 --> 03:09:32.270
You guys broke it in New Orleans, too. I did

03:09:32.270 --> 03:09:33.489
that New Orleans show with you guys. Yeah, we

03:09:33.489 --> 03:09:34.909
broke the attendance record there, too. It was

03:09:34.909 --> 03:09:36.930
pretty nuts. Yeah, we've had some wild shows.

03:09:37.170 --> 03:09:39.149
Me and him together are really fun, man. It's

03:09:39.149 --> 03:09:42.329
like they're events, man. It's something special.

03:09:42.440 --> 03:09:44.040
about it. Hey, Jamie, that's a great hat. I'm

03:09:44.040 --> 03:09:47.219
sorry I didn't acknowledge it. Me and Jay. I

03:09:47.219 --> 03:09:48.340
got to run, though. I got to go to the airport.

03:09:48.500 --> 03:09:50.239
Yeah, it's 12 to. I have to go to the airport.

03:09:50.239 --> 03:09:53.639
Wrap this up. All right. All right, boys. Wait,

03:09:53.920 --> 03:09:56.700
wait, wait. I'll be in Philadelphia, Portland,

03:09:57.100 --> 03:10:00.200
Tampa, Salt Lake City, and Dallas. What did you

03:10:00.200 --> 03:10:02.579
want to say? What did you want to say? You guys

03:10:02.579 --> 03:10:04.100
tonight. I'm worried about you guys tonight.

03:10:04.489 --> 03:10:06.750
Oh, you're worried. Yeah, you're going to Roger

03:10:06.750 --> 03:10:09.010
Waters. He's worried that you guys are going

03:10:09.010 --> 03:10:11.149
to fall off. No, but here's the deal. One small

03:10:11.149 --> 03:10:14.290
piece of paper. One very small piece of paper.

03:10:14.409 --> 03:10:18.450
All I need, all I need, all we need is 100 %

03:10:18.450 --> 03:10:20.930
transparency. Oh, yeah. If something happens,

03:10:21.090 --> 03:10:26.229
it happens. I'm going clean this month. But if

03:10:26.229 --> 03:10:29.090
you guys smoke marijuana, I will not hold it

03:10:29.090 --> 03:10:30.610
against you. I don't want you to think your month's

03:10:30.610 --> 03:10:33.500
over. Are you giving us a free pass? We'll tell

03:10:33.500 --> 03:10:35.739
you this. I'll tell you this much. If you invited

03:10:35.739 --> 03:10:38.020
me and I went tonight, I would definitely smoke

03:10:38.020 --> 03:10:40.520
weed. I would, without a doubt. You want to go

03:10:40.520 --> 03:10:42.620
tonight? I got a fucking show in Youngstown.

03:10:42.860 --> 03:10:45.520
I would go tonight, too, if I weren't flying

03:10:45.520 --> 03:10:48.159
out. I'd love to go see you. So all I'm saying

03:10:48.159 --> 03:10:50.620
is marijuana's not alcohol. It's not. And you're

03:10:50.620 --> 03:10:52.139
going to see Pink Floyd. We only put marijuana

03:10:52.139 --> 03:10:55.000
in just to fuck with Joe that first year. Yeah.

03:10:55.459 --> 03:10:58.540
I think Joe needs to address his addiction. Pray

03:10:58.540 --> 03:11:01.120
for Joe. I already addressed it. I think you

03:11:01.120 --> 03:11:03.690
should be allowed to do an edible. Something

03:11:03.690 --> 03:11:07.389
acid, edible, mushrooms. Mushrooms, acid, I don't

03:11:07.389 --> 03:11:09.690
count as sobriety at all. Interesting. I've never

03:11:09.690 --> 03:11:12.510
counted mushrooms. I mean, neither has I think

03:11:12.510 --> 03:11:14.989
AA is like totally looks past those. Well, AA

03:11:14.989 --> 03:11:17.430
was founded by a guy who did acid. That's why

03:11:17.430 --> 03:11:20.209
you quit doing alcohol is by acid. Yeah. I'm

03:11:20.209 --> 03:11:21.610
never doing acid or mushrooms. That's not in

03:11:21.610 --> 03:11:24.709
my wheelhouse. I'm probably not. Never? Why?

03:11:25.709 --> 03:11:27.489
What? I just don't. It's not where I want to

03:11:27.489 --> 03:11:29.430
be. What do you mean where you want to be? I

03:11:29.430 --> 03:11:30.530
don't know. I don't have that brain. We're like,

03:11:30.610 --> 03:11:32.860
what the fuck? Is it clear? I did it a few weeks

03:11:32.860 --> 03:11:36.260
ago. What? Acid? Acid. I did ayahuasca. What?

03:11:36.319 --> 03:11:39.440
I swear to God. Shut up. I swear. Acid and ayahuasca

03:11:39.440 --> 03:11:41.000
a few weeks ago? No, not acid. I did mushrooms,

03:11:41.399 --> 03:11:43.840
ayahuasca. Wait, what? Yeah, I did it. What the

03:11:43.840 --> 03:11:45.219
fuck are you talking about? That's what I did.

03:11:45.340 --> 03:11:46.840
Are you lying right now? I swear to God. Which

03:11:46.840 --> 03:11:50.000
do ayahuasca? It was here. I did it with a private

03:11:50.000 --> 03:11:52.719
shaman. How was it? It was amazing. This is a

03:11:52.719 --> 03:11:55.540
bit. Not a bit. This is a bit. Not a bit. How

03:11:55.540 --> 03:12:00.000
long did it last? I took it around 4 .30 p .m.,

03:12:00.000 --> 03:12:04.360
and I was tripping balls until like 2 .30 in

03:12:04.360 --> 03:12:07.360
the morning. Wow. Yeah. Where'd you do it? I

03:12:07.360 --> 03:12:10.579
got a suite at a place, like a private place.

03:12:10.799 --> 03:12:14.040
Why did you do it? Because I heard great things

03:12:14.040 --> 03:12:15.899
about it. Yeah, no one has a bad time. How do

03:12:15.899 --> 03:12:17.639
you bring this up at the end of a goddamn podcast?

03:12:17.819 --> 03:12:19.500
Because you just said that you were going to

03:12:19.500 --> 03:12:22.360
be gay and I didn't want you to be. Hold on.

03:12:24.180 --> 03:12:26.459
I'll set it up for you. No fucking way. Last

03:12:26.459 --> 03:12:28.840
thing I want to see is a snake eat me. No, it's

03:12:28.840 --> 03:12:32.299
not like that. It was peaceful. No panic, no

03:12:32.299 --> 03:12:35.559
anxiety, no paranoia. You feel clean? Yeah, yeah.

03:12:35.659 --> 03:12:37.579
Did you see anything that you want to talk about?

03:12:38.280 --> 03:12:40.819
No, I mean, I did go for a walk at like 1 .30

03:12:40.819 --> 03:12:42.739
in the morning on these private grounds, and

03:12:42.739 --> 03:12:45.120
I thought I saw a fox on this path, and I was

03:12:45.120 --> 03:12:47.379
like... It's a spirit animal. Well, no, it was

03:12:47.379 --> 03:12:49.559
a cat, a wild cat, but I didn't know, I couldn't

03:12:49.559 --> 03:12:51.739
make out what it was, and it froze me for a second,

03:12:51.799 --> 03:12:53.280
but it was real. What do you think your spirit

03:12:53.280 --> 03:13:01.930
animal is? I think it has to be a bear. Mine's

03:13:01.930 --> 03:13:04.149
a bear, and if you want to get merch, go to ymhstudios

03:13:04.149 --> 03:13:07.110
.com. Hey, hold on. Hold on a second. I know

03:13:07.110 --> 03:13:09.229
you have to leave, but wait. Hold on. So wait.

03:13:10.030 --> 03:13:12.170
Did Push do it? No, just me. You just did it

03:13:12.170 --> 03:13:14.940
by yourself? Yeah. You are a fucking psycho.

03:13:15.219 --> 03:13:16.840
That's great, man. Bring me next time. I want

03:13:16.840 --> 03:13:17.739
to talk to you about it. I'll take it. Let's

03:13:17.739 --> 03:13:19.579
go. I'll set it up. Let's do it. We could do

03:13:19.579 --> 03:13:22.579
it as like a group even. Let's fucking go. Let's

03:13:22.579 --> 03:13:24.299
fucking not. I'm in Oklahoma City. Okay, you

03:13:24.299 --> 03:13:26.579
don't have to, Bert. I think we should. You should

03:13:26.579 --> 03:13:28.159
put the Kool -Aid aside for the night. Yeah,

03:13:28.200 --> 03:13:29.299
I want to talk to you about it. It's amazing.

03:13:29.659 --> 03:13:33.120
Ari, what's your spirit animal? The shaman I

03:13:33.120 --> 03:13:36.100
had, he's throwing this waxy stuff into the fire,

03:13:36.299 --> 03:13:38.260
and you'll see shapes and stuff, and every once

03:13:38.260 --> 03:13:39.760
in a while I'll throw more in there, and I saw

03:13:39.760 --> 03:13:44.100
a fucking weird poodle. Maybe it's that. Or an

03:13:44.100 --> 03:13:47.040
aardvark. Maybe an aardvark because of my nose.

03:13:47.659 --> 03:13:49.620
Ari the poodle. I don't know, but I don't know

03:13:49.620 --> 03:13:52.059
what spirit animal. What's your animal? Yeah,

03:13:52.059 --> 03:13:54.180
what's yours? It's got to be a wolf. Chipmunk.

03:13:54.299 --> 03:13:55.680
I think it's probably a wolf. It's surprising.

03:13:56.260 --> 03:13:59.520
Gorilla. Wild chimp. I had a dream once where

03:13:59.520 --> 03:14:01.420
I was a wolf. I had a dream once where I could

03:14:01.420 --> 03:14:04.979
smell rain. It was me and some other animals,

03:14:05.059 --> 03:14:07.649
and we were closing in on a deer. And we could

03:14:07.649 --> 03:14:11.170
smell rain. I remember smelling things. There's

03:14:11.170 --> 03:14:14.049
no way you could smell it. And then I woke up

03:14:14.049 --> 03:14:15.530
because I realized that I was doing it. I was

03:14:15.530 --> 03:14:17.409
like, what the fuck is this? It was too real.

03:14:17.610 --> 03:14:20.729
But it was like in a rainforest. And I could

03:14:20.729 --> 03:14:24.010
smell things that I just could not. There's no

03:14:24.010 --> 03:14:26.750
way you could smell it. I could smell fear. And

03:14:26.750 --> 03:14:29.190
we were looking at this animal. And we were communicating

03:14:29.190 --> 03:14:31.829
telepathically, me and these other animals. I

03:14:31.829 --> 03:14:34.170
think it was a wolf. But I remember smelling

03:14:34.170 --> 03:14:37.440
rain. Damn. I could smell the rain. I could smell

03:14:37.440 --> 03:14:40.340
fear. I could smell this animal's anxiety as

03:14:40.340 --> 03:14:43.840
it's moving slowly through the bushes, trying

03:14:43.840 --> 03:14:46.840
to avoid predators. And I was like, this is too

03:14:46.840 --> 03:14:49.819
real. And I woke up. Wow. I promise you would

03:14:49.819 --> 03:14:52.059
like this experience. I will not. And we will

03:14:52.059 --> 03:14:54.020
be talking about this next week on Two Bears,

03:14:54.059 --> 03:14:55.799
One Cave. You can't drink for eight days afterwards.

03:14:55.799 --> 03:14:57.360
Do not talk to anyone else about this. Do you

03:14:57.360 --> 03:14:59.299
understand me? Fucks it up. Still working in

03:14:59.299 --> 03:15:02.000
your system. Really? Fucks what up? Fucks up

03:15:02.000 --> 03:15:03.959
the effects. And the guy that told me was like,

03:15:04.020 --> 03:15:06.879
don't fuck with it. No sex. You're going to say

03:15:06.879 --> 03:15:08.780
I'm fine. Don't fuck with it. This is how well

03:15:08.780 --> 03:15:11.680
I know Tom. He's been antsy about leaving for

03:15:11.680 --> 03:15:13.299
the last 20 minutes because I've been watching

03:15:13.299 --> 03:15:14.819
you do your little knee thing where you're like.

03:15:15.459 --> 03:15:19.340
He's got a show. He's got things to do. Boys,

03:15:19.639 --> 03:15:21.520
I love you. Love you guys. Love you very much.

03:15:21.600 --> 03:15:23.319
Have a good time tonight. We're going to have

03:15:23.319 --> 03:15:24.700
a good time tonight. Have fun. Eat an edible.

03:15:25.239 --> 03:15:26.819
Okay. Bye, everybody.