"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1802. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Improvisation Dynamics, Contemporary Satire, and Independent Comedy Success." Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan
experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast by
night. All day. Yeah, they're back. We're rolling
officially. What? Protect our parks. It's here.
Holy hell. Because we only have one list. It's
time to protect our parks. So from the time of
Protect Our Parks, we officially have lost one
park. We have lost one park. So we're not protecting
shit. We have done zero saving of parks. Everyone
says you have a big reach is wrong because you
protected 0 for one park. It did nothing. It
became the opposite of a park. They built a fucking
jail on it. They're going to. Did they really?
A jail? Really? I just saw signs like, hey, we
have to tear down the rest of it too. But they're
not jailing anybody. The thing about New York
is they're letting everybody out. They let some
guy out for murder. He just shot somebody, and
they let him out with no bail. And everybody's
like, what the fuck is going on? Who did he kill?
I don't know. They arrested him for murder. It
was like this outrage article. He'll beat up
an Asian lady soon. That seems to be the pattern.
They get out of jail and just beat up Asian ladies.
I feel horrible for these women. Quit hanging
out outside of prisons. Yeah. That's a wild take,
right? People that think that all Asians are
responsible for COVID. So you just go up to Asians
and punch them. They're not? When it gets down
to the lowest level reaction to a crisis. I see
a lot of people today that are really pissed
at Russian people. Boycotting Russians. There's
some restaurant here. They're not sending money
back for the cause. Russia House. Cut the Russia
off their name. What? And now it just says house.
Remember when we made french fries and a freedom
fries? And we're like, we're doing something.
We're fucking idiots. What a dumb fucking place
we live. How about the dummies that pour their
vodka down the toilet? Okay, stupid. You already
bought that. Drink it. They have your money.
How about have a free vodka party? Give it to
a refugee. There you go. I was in Salt Lake when
it started, and they had a law. They were like,
we're banning Russian vodka. The club owner was
like, what the fuck? It's not state run. This
is all my money. It's so dumb. Exactly. I already
bought it. Yeah. What about Russian dressing?
It's just fucking people. Imagine if you're like
some hardcore lefty communist and you sell something
and then they say, oh, America, America's bombed
fucking Yemen. We can't sell American products
anymore. So your American products now are useless.
That doesn't make any sense. You'd be like, what?
I'm Toms of Maine. I give my name to homeless.
Exactly. I'm Ben and Jerry. I'm a communist.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm a Jew
with no sense of taste. That communist flavor
is pretty good, though. Ben and Jerry's, it's
just vanilla. What is a communist thing? There
was something there, but that wasn't it. Let's
punch that up. What's a communist? You can't
report on the flavors right now. They're all
working together. See, I don't know anything
about communism, so I couldn't write the joke.
It would have to be a joke where you buy ice
cream for everybody. Talk to Yakov Smirnov so
he can come up with something for you. In communist
Russia, ice cream eat you. That's right. What
are you doing? How come my little sign isn't
on? Shorten out. I was off and on earlier. I'll
try to fix it. Oh, because it shorted a little
bit. Yeah, I don't know. I was pressing buttons,
but it was changing the color of the UFO. I'm
a child. You love aliens. Gadgets. I'm obsessed.
Not illegal. I'm obsessed with aliens. I like
them, too. All right. Well, I'm obsessed with
alien aliens from other planets. Yeah. What's
going on with them? I think if Russia starts
launching nukes, I think they'll probably show
up. Yeah. To aliens. That's a wrap. It's time.
Yeah. You guys. Fuck this up. We've been observing
for too long. We've got to step in. They saw
it the first time and they were like, well, the
Japanese had it coming. They saw the first one
go off and they were like, nice. They're closest
to us, so let it happen. That's when there was
the big uptick in UFO sightings. That's when
it all started. What? It was after Hiroshima
and Nagasaki. What do you mean? That's when all
the UFO sightings started happening. That's Roswell,
New Mexico. That's the ones over D .C. All the
big UFO sightings happened after the nuclear
bombs. What's the connection? The thought in
the conspiracy, the crazy people, like who knows
what they're really seeing, right? They could
be all full of shit or crazy. But the thought
is that the aliens are coming to observe because
they realize we now have nuclear weapons. So
they've decided to make a trip. To Earth. To
see what these fucking crazy monkeys with nuclear
weapons or territorial, what they're up to. What
they like having sightings at, like. Missile
silos and shit. Not just sightings, but they
shut down nuclear facilities, like nuclear weapons
facilities. They shut them down. They shut their
computers off. Because they're like, they're
going to come out of wild shit. I think they're
basically letting you know, like, watch what
we can do. We'll just shut off all your power.
The aliens, man. Yeah, hover over your facility,
shut everything down. But who knows if it's true?
Unless you're there. Oh, it's true. Unless you're
there. I mean, there's some things that I've
seen, some videos that I've seen that are fucking
wild. Like the fighter pilot videos where they're
watching this thing move at an insane rate of
speed. Oh, yeah. I saw that. But other than that.
That was Tony's career. Who knows? He still is
taking off, though. That's good. It's a compliment.
It's doing well. The cattle mutilations, they
never solved that. It's complimenting Tony's
career. Cut it out. I knew you were going to
come on here and be a nasty son of a bitch with
your fucking bad suit. You look like the diddler.
I can't believe that suit wasn't the diddler.
You look like a Jewish pedophile. Hey, kids,
you want to buy some candy? You mean a Jew? You
mean a pedophile? I can't believe that suit just
fits you perfectly, and you found it at a thrift
store. Thrift store in New Orleans. It's perfect
for you. Oh, yeah. It's like the exact size,
and you're in odd shape. You had to get that
tailored. Come on. Zip. I go to a tailor, not
this one. Zip. I wore it on stage in New Orleans.
I tried it off, and I'm like, oh, yeah, I got
to do something special. Wait, what show? A couple
years ago. Oh, okay. Oh, this is old. He's like
two years old. Oh, I thought you just got it.
Right before COVID. I had to bring something
to the Comedy Story anniversary. He actually
hung on to that suit. Yeah. It cost me 60 bucks.
I'm not made of money. That's even past what
Stanhope would wear. That's beyond. Yeah. Stanhope
would have different pants. He'd have pants that
didn't match. It's like a rich, quick suit. Remember
that guy, Matthew Letzko? With the riddles? With
the riddles. Let's go. What's he doing now? Why
has he not been on this podcast? Oh, yeah. Get
him on. When are you going to stop working for
the state? He's probably rich as hell. Get this
guy on. Probably. I think my time for the state
is almost up. I have a couple more years I have
to put in. Him and that Asian guy on the boat.
Remember that Asian guy? Like, you want to be
rich like me? With all the women around. Yeah,
I've been a pussy for days. Fuck, I don't remember
that. What was his name? Oh, there he is. Oh,
there's Ari. It's been two years with a better
hair. Matthew, let's go. Let's go. Yeah, let's
go. Where is he today? Free money. There's free
money out there. There's grants. This guy was
big. There's grants. I wrote the book on it.
Do you think he's poor now? Oh, yeah. No way.
I think he's got a house. He's probably dead.
How long ago was this? Yeah, let's find out.
When this infomercial came on, it was, like,
exciting. I thought about doing it. Where is
he? Where is he, Ari? Where do you mean? Find
him. He's 78 years old. He's on YouTube now.
All right, let's click on his YouTube channel.
Instagram. Oh, my goodness. Wow. He's got an
Instagram post. 4 ,000 followers. He looks rough.
Oh, he's gone trans. Mortgage payments. But look
at this. It also includes utility payments, homeowner
insurance payments, property taxes. What do you
think? Jewish? Over or under? Internet. I think
98%. You tell me. So he doesn't have any followers.
He looks like the Queen of Mean. He's like a
gay David Lynch. Who's the Queen of Mean? I don't
remember her name anymore. Lampanelli? Lampanelli.
That's right. She calls herself the Queen of
Mean. Didn't she retire? Yeah. The video that
went around of her having a meltdown was very
strange. That was bad. Somebody's heckling her,
and she got real serious. She snapped on stage.
Not even an event center, like a town hall or
something. Whatever it was, she was angry. Like,
you know, where a comic crosses that line, like,
yee. I don't need this. I don't need that shit.
The Michael Richards effect. There's something
about that line. When Will Smith slapped Chris
Rock, Chris Rock talked to Will Smith, and then
he went back to the script. When he went back
to the script, it was like, oh, this is wild
because you're watching one of the best comics
in the world bomb. Because that's bombing. He
has to bomb. With that one joke, he bombed because
he's in an impossible situation. There's no way
anyone's just going to transition to the fact
that you're doing a documentary. We all just
saw that. It's like if a waitress drops a tray
of drinks and you're like, And then later at
the supermarket, I went, and I was like, what's
wrong with you? I mean, think about him, though,
like, getting slapped, and literally no one does
anything. No one does a fucking thing. No security.
Staring at you, it's terrifying. I mean, not
to seep into, that's like, hey, you know how
you're in Hollywood? You're not. That guy's in
Hollywood. You're a visitor. You're a comic.
Yeah, we don't support you as much as we support
them. Well, they don't even support him. They
just were... lost sheep without a shepherd. Like,
oh, what is happening here? I mean, I wouldn't
have done anything. I would have been sitting
there like, yo. That was crazy. Well, how about
the fact that they... gave him a standing ovation
later when he went up to talk, and he actually
accepted an award after assault, and he gets
a standing ovation. And no one's even going like,
kind of sitting down going like, what? No one
in the crowd is going, I don't know. No, they
clapped. They're fucking sheep. They just hopped
on board. I think if it wasn't black on black,
it would have been different. I think that makes
it. More fun. Oh, yeah. If it was like a white
guy slapped Chris Rock, oh, my God. No, no, no.
If they're both white. What if Chris Pratt went
up and slapped Chris Rock? Wow. Could you imagine?
What if it was Danny DeVito? Could you imagine?
Yeah. No, it would have to be someone big like
Will Smith. Will Smith's a big guy. Oh, yeah.
If Chris Pratt did it, he's done. Oh, my God.
No, there's definitely not getting an award later.
You've got to claim drugs. Right. You've got
to say pills. That's the only chance. Turn trans.
Ooh, that's not bad. We've got to go non -binary.
Yeah, pick up swimming. I still think it would
have been different if, first of all, Will Smith's
in the front row and there's no stage. If he
had to shimmy out of the fifth row, I think it
would have been a different dynamic. If it was
like, Will Smith, come on down. Then all the
way down. Even then, everybody would have thought
he was... doing a bit. I thought it was a bit.
I thought it was a bit. When he walked out, Chris
Rock was like, oh, here it comes. It had to be.
That's the only plausible explanation. He didn't
hit him that hard. And when you watch how he
hit him, he switched legs. So he threw a punch
and actually switched legs. So it was like he
was doing a pro wrestling slap. No. It was Victorian.
He picked that right leg up, which is what you
end up picking up. Golf expert bitch. I know
how to slap people. Hey, I'll take that. He moved
this leg up. I have a machine out back. I will
show you. that you slap like a bitch it'll register
that your technique is terrible when you slap
somebody you gotta if you slap someone it's no
different than punching someone you want this
foot to be planted This is what's planted, and
you fucking turn into it and smack someone. Like
when you watch those guys, they stand across
the table, and they KO each other with the slaps,
and the powder goes flying. That is so ridiculous.
Some guys get knocked out with those slaps. Well,
you're getting slapped as full blast, and if
someone hits you with the palm of their hand,
you can do something with the palm of your hand
that you can't do with your knuckles. Like, I
could do that, and it doesn't hurt at all. But
if I did that that hard with my knuckles, it
would fucking hurt. Stay stopped by talking about
this down. Like, go further down than that. He
hit him with this stuff. He hit him with this
stuff. That's what he hit him with. And he didn't
hit him. Watch. Let's watch. His mic is right
on his bow tie, too, so it sounds louder. Let's
watch it. Watch how he does it. Watch the left
leg switches and then the right leg goes. Oh.
That was as much as I thought. I think I have
a false memory. There's black people. Watch this.
And there's Will Smith. A little bit of a shift.
Oh, you know what it is? Slippery shoes. That's
what it is. Slippery shoes. And a tuxedo doesn't
help. But it's definitely not hitting him hard.
He's hitting him with the fingertips. Watch with
the impact. Let's check the impact. It's so dainty.
Boop. Yeah, see, that's where you see the little
switch of the legs. But he's hitting him with
the tips of the fingers. It's really not much.
Kevin Clancy at KFC Radio, he said that that's
a... Scientology. That's what I heard. They teach
you how to slap to get support for yourself if
you're being embarrassed. So Chris Brown is a
Scientologist? They tell you how to slap. Are
you serious? Yeah. No. Yeah. Wait a minute. You're
serious. Yeah. Explain. Not research, but real
theory. Well, I love it. In Scientology. I love
a good no research statement. Yeah. They teach
you how to slap somebody if they give you an
offense. That is one of the things to get, not
to punch because you don't want to get in a physical
fight, but to slap. It's humiliating. To get
your offense taken. Getting slapped is humiliating.
So what is the deal? He's giving the Scientology
slap. It's not meant to hurt. That's a Scientology
slap. That's the theory. Is this a theory by
someone who had this theory before Will Smith
smacked Chris Rock? Give it a go. A whole Twitter
thread about it. Okay, look at this. The slap
is much less interesting when you realize. that
Will Smith almost certainly went through the
Scientology courses that teach you to unapologetically
use slaps and physical force to let a fellow
Scientologist know they've done something wrong.
Holy shit, how's that much less interesting?
That makes it more interesting. Yeah. Why does
that make it much less interesting, Max Burns?
There's a Scientology course, I guess you'd call
it, that involves slapping physically humiliating
fellow Scientologists in a group setting as a
means of exerting superiority. It is remarkably
common within the cult. Wow. Tom Cruise does
a similar thing, but his preferred method is
shouting at intense personal intimidation of
movie crews. And jumping on a couch. Scientologist,
he feels... aren't fulfilling the KSW ideology,
et cetera. It's rare that you see the physical
side of it in so public a form. But is Smith
a Scientologist? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is he 100 %?
Oh, yeah. He's big in. Cruz, Smith, Brooke Shields,
Travolta. Let's Google that. I know Travolta
is. Let's Google whether Will Smith is actually
a Scientologist. Beck is? Beck is, yeah. Beck
is. Whoa. Juliette Lewis is. What? Juliette Lewis?
Yeah. She seems cool. There's some good eggs
in there. Yeah, she's a great egg. The ones that
are raised in it are cool. I fucking love her.
Yeah, I like her too. She's a badass musician.
You ever see her sing? What? No. She's fucking
incredible. Why Will and Jada are the worst?
Oh, God. Where is that? Fucking first thing that's
in the New York Post. By the way, that's a 2021.
That's way before. Nothing to do with this. That's
red table shit. Willow and Jaden attended Smith's
short -lived school. Oh, that's right. They had
a school for a while. Widely believed to be a
center of Scientology called the New Village
Leadership. Hollywood's totally normal. Everybody
there, you should definitely take their word
for everything. For everything. Oh, yeah. They're
the trendsetters. They're the reason why I'm
alive. What a garbage place. No, no. Sorry. What
are you saying? Take it back. The other way.
What? The other way. What a great place. I was
told today that... Why is it garbage? It's my
favorite place. I was told today that... I just
don't feel like I'm good enough, so I had to
leave. Jada, their open relationship was just
for her. Of course it wasn't. Will Smith has
attended... Well, he cheated a bunch, I thought.
Yeah, but I believe it came out. Oh, look at
this. Will Smith has attempted to combat Scientology
claims over the years, making it clear that he
and his wife, Jada Pinkett, are not a part of
Scientology. So fuck off, Ari. Oh, I thought
he was. You know what you're saying. Ari's filled
with misinformation. Max Burns! Max Burns is
on heroin. He's just making things up. He's making
things up. Max Burns is on heroin. He's just
making things up. He's in a fog of fentanyl.
He has no idea what he's saying. Will Smith is
a good guy and he's not a Scientologist. Yeah.
There you go. Yeah, Ari. Yeah, all right. I'll
think about that. You guys love controlling the
narrative, don't you? Oh, we love it. We love
it, dude. If your wife, like, openly is, like,
in a public sort of open relationship, you have
to be more reserved than a regular guy. Can you
imagine? You've got to be more. You've got to
be like, it is what it is. You've got to be that
guy with everything, right? Yeah. You can't be
like Mr. Snap at the fucking slightest. Yeah,
you have to be above everything because your
wife's getting fucked by other people. Yes. You
have to be so cool. You should be cool. You're
like, nah. That's just sex. I got alopecia too,
I guess. I do too. I got it in my beard. I don't
understand why she has like full stubble. Like
her head looks great. She shaved it. But when
it's stubble, it's growing back. There's hair.
Yeah. I think she shaves it so she can't pull
it out. Which is half of what it is. Oh, when
she gets crazy? Yeah. It's hard having your fucking...
Oh. Maybe when she beats Will up, you can't grab
her hair. Yeah. And no fighting back. I don't
think the black ladies like the hair pulling.
I've had sex with a couple, and the hair stuff
didn't go well. It's not tied in that tight.
Yeah, I attempted it like that. Go careful. Yeah,
you don't want to pull a wig off. Oh, true. Yeah,
it could have been a wig. It was braids. Oh.
So I thought it was pullable. So you tried some
white girl shit on a black lady. Yes. Yeah, don't
do that. No. Okay. Know your role. I guess so.
Turn a Laquisha into a Becky. Ooh. A Laquisha
into a Becky. Laquisha? There's no other. There's
got to be a couple of Laquishas kicking around.
There's got to be a couple. Isn't it funny that
there's no other word like a Karen? Like Karen
is like, there's no, like, I guess it's Chad
for white guys, but it doesn't really work. Karen
is like locked down. Karen, they get mad about
Karen now. That's fighting words now to them.
And if your fucking name is Karen, like you've
been Karen your whole life until about six, seven
years ago, it all fell apart on you. What if
you're a black woman named Karen? That's even
weirder. You got to just deal with that. At least
nobody's. Do you know any? There's got to be
a black Karen. There's got to be a few. Yeah.
Pull it up, JMO. Yeah. Type in black Karen. How
about famous black Karens? Is there famous black
Karens? Jada Pinkett Smith. Yeah. No, no, no.
Her name is Jada. Oh. Jada in real life. Different
name. What a wild fucking thing. It's a wild
thing that's so crazy that the more time goes
on, the less I can believe it actually happened.
You know what I don't like, too? It seems more
nuts. With this explanation, you see day one,
it was how dare Will Smith, there's all the People
magazine, how dare Will Smith do this, you know,
violence. And then day two, the publicist took
over, and then this man fiercely defended his
wife. Like, you could just tell the publicist,
we've got to spin this somehow. But that's just
telling Chris Rock under the bus even more. Ticket
prices went up 400%. Yeah, his ticket prices
went through the roof. How is that possible,
400 %? That's what the headline is. I know, I
heard that. Why is that hard? Because he would
have to be sold out now and be at 20 % sold before.
No, dummy. No, the price. If he sells 100 tickets
a day, now he's selling 400 tickets a day. Tickets
went up per day. I thought you said the price
went up. Yeah. Oh, his price went up 40 %? Price
went up. Oh, that's crazy. He just charged five
times as much? Yeah, if a ticket was $50, now
it's $450. 250. Oh, that's weird. That's weird.
That's true. Really? Yeah, yeah. So the agents
get their slimy little paws all over the situation.
Ticket price went up for him. And people are
dying to see it. I thought his ticket sales.
I know his ticket sales have gone crazy. I'm
sure he was going up. Ticket sales. They said
he moved more tickets in a few days after the
Oscars than a whole month. Wow. You know what
was the best? Him not saying anything. We all
wanted him to say something. But him not saying
anything allowed the internet to say. we'll take
over for you dude yeah he also was close he was
close he was close he had that one moment where
he's like oh i could yeah he even says it he's
like yeah right after he got slapped he's like
it was just a joke he's like shut up about my
wife yeah he goes but the way he said it is It's
such a crazy meltdown. You see his face when
his lips are quivering. Leave my wife's name
out of your fucking mouth. It's like, whoa. And
the weird thing, he wasn't even saying out of
your. He goes out your mouth. He's invoking ghetto
black culture when he's being violent because
that's what he thinks violence is. Ghetto black.
He's playing a role. He's playing a role of a
guy who can just slap people. I'm kind of jealous
of that. I wish I was that fucking nut. Ticket
pick. Oh, is that one of them things where...
Oh, there you go. We sold more tickets to Chris
Rock overnight than we did in the past month
combined. Had increased to 411. That's way more
than 40%. That's what's crazy. The cheapest tickets
were sold. Oh, resale. Oh, okay. So it's not
agents that got their greasy hands on it. It's
all those fucking scalpers. They do that, man.
There's nothing you can do about that. I hate
it. People are like, how can we take it to $300?
I'm like, it's not even sold out. Go to my website.
Don't do that. Yeah, I mean, right now I'm doing
Vegas soon. So today my tickets went on presale.
And I have a presale password. So you have to
do all the registering and everything to do all
that. But still, people still. Buy tickets and
resell them for shitloads of money. There's not
much you can do about it. They get idiots. They
don't even know it's not sold out. Louie used
to do a great thing at the store. He used to
make everybody pay cash, and you had to line
up the day of the show. You could only buy two
tickets at a time. Only buy two tickets. Four.
No surcharge, no fees. And you had to pay in
cash. I mean, we in the door guys made a lot
of money off that. Yeah. A lot of them, and like
triple price. Like, who wants them? Really? We
know there's going to be a line. Who wants them?
Really? Oh, yeah. Because we fucked up when Rob
Williams came, we realized we should have. And
then what happened with Louie, like, I got 40
bucks on me. They used to, like, get big tips
to give people booths, right? The booth was a
big thing. Not in my day. Not yours? It was Kinison's
day and then, like, five years ago. Oh, really?
But when I was a door guy, it was like, please
give me a dollar. Right. Nobody would give you
any money for the booth. Occasionally on weekends,
New Year's Eve was good. You can make, like,
100 bucks on New Year's Eve. Isn't it funny how
this door goes through cycles? It always has.
It goes through these cycles. When I was back
last weekend, man, it felt like a normal weekend
at the store. It was mobbed. Really? It was mobbed.
Everybody was hanging out. It was really fun.
Yeah. Really fucking fun. Well, that's just comedy.
Comedy goes in waves. Yeah? Yeah. I guess, but
the store really goes in waves. Yeah. The store
was hot when Kinison was there. When I came there
in 94, there was fucking nobody there. It was
weird. It was like half -filled crowds. It was
dead. We wouldn't start the show. Oh, my God.
Tuesday night, it'd be like 9 o 'clock show by
10 .30. We'd be like, should we call it? There's
no one in here. What year did you start? 99.
And it was bad. It was bad. It was bad until
like 2002. It was starting to get better in the
90s. And it was okay. A little bit. And then
2002, it was getting pretty good. Then 2003 and
4, it really got rocking. It was still so -so.
No, it was rocking. 2004, 2005. Yeah, and up
until 2007, then I got banned. But the real comeback
was 2014 when you did your special, and then
I came back, and then Diaz came back, and then
Duncan and everybody came back. And then shortly
after. Then it was mobbed every night. Shortly
after, or maybe right before. No, shortly after,
eBay took over. He baked. Oh, Adam. Yeah. He
was up before that, though. He's one of the guys
who got me there. Because he came to the improv
when I was headlining at the improv. He goes,
well, we'd really like to have you back at the
store. I was like, fuck Tommy. But Tommy was
still there. He was like, Tommy's fired. Like,
oh. And I was like, oh. And then Ari was doing
his special. Tommy was still there when he did
my special, wasn't he? No. I thought he was still
there. He was gone, buddy. I don't remember that
at all. He was gone, 100%. Because I came after
that. I came after he'd been fired. And then
it was just game on. That's when it blew up.
That's when it blew up. Because that's when it
was just like, holy shit. You think that was
podcasting? 100%. 100%. We always talked about
it when we were doing the podcast from his fucking
living room. We'd always talk about crazy stories
in the store. We built it up when I was gone.
And it was like, what is this place? Yeah, when
he wasn't even there. We built it up when I wasn't
even going there. And then when I came back,
it just exploded. We'd have stories of Brett
Ernst and stuff. And people were like, who are
these mythical people? And then they would go
show up. Same as Louis doing his intro. From
the cellar, people are like, I guess that's the
place to go. Right. But way more so with us because
it's constant stories. Yeah, the thing about
the internet is, man, when people find out about
a cool place like that and they go and actually
have the experience and they tell their friends,
like, oh, my God, we saw this guy and that guy
and Sebastian and fucking Santino. It's just
like. It's having a place that you could go where
you're going to have a good time. You're going
to have a good time. How about fucking last night?
What a goddamn lineup. Hell of a show. Hans Kim,
Ron White, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe,
and me. Chaos. Yeah, it was a good one. Hot crowd,
too. Fucking crowd was amazing. What'd you do?
Two hours? Three and a half? Hour and 40 minutes.
Holy shit. The Q &A, it's my favorite part. I
was hammered, too. The Q &A, he'll get fucked
up. I remember those days. People will ask a
question. Sometimes it goes well, but everyone's
going to be like, what kind of question is that?
He's like, ask anything. You can literally watch
someone just get their whole world shattered.
I'm here to see Joe Rogan. This is going to be
so cool. What's your favorite ice cream? Yeah,
you're like, shut up, pussy. your mother. And
he's like, oh. I was told that you wanted questions.
I didn't know we should do that. I've done Q
&As. I just assume you have to answer everything.
I didn't know you'd go, oh, that's dumb. Yeah,
you gotta say that's dumb. Come on, give me a
better question. You gotta mock their questions.
We used to have two speakers, two microphones
in the aisles. Oh yeah, remember those? And at
the end of your show, people were like, come
on up and ask questions. And it was just like.
50 % of them was like, what did you think of
this one fight? The problem with even the stand
-up -on -the -spot thing is too many people have
their hands up, too many people are yelling,
and they're not paying attention. They do a show
out here called The Rift, and it's a better setup.
And what they do is they have a wheel, and the
audience gets to write a topic. on the card,
on a card, and then they just peg them to the
wheel, and you spin the wheel, and it lands on
one. I've done that before, Creak in the Cave.
It's way better because no one's yelling out
things in the audience. That version of it is
the way you should do that kind of an improvisation
show. Because you can come up with bits on those
shows where you don't ever do material. It's
great. The problem is that people get... too
yelly and lift their hands up and then they're
not like the thing last night like I'm in the
middle of answering one question and guys go
do do I'm in the middle of talking oh that's
what you used to do on the road you go guys the
only way this works is you have to wait until
I'm done and I'll say any more questions and
then you can't interrupt but people are drunk
people are drunk and the comic is too they're
having fun remember that show set list it was
a fun idea but the suggestions weren't great
it was like placenta smoothie you're like no
just say abortion I'll get to talk about that
but This is stupid. This is like a non -thing.
I don't even know what these words are. You're
trying to be funny. It's like writers came up
with the topic. Yeah, it sucks. You want the
audience to come up with the topic because you'll
be stunned occasionally. That sucks. Yeah. What
you need is you need the audience to come up
with the topic and, you know, you go through
the card. So, like, does your mom know you're
gay? Throw that one out. You know what I mean?
Right. You know what I mean? Like, you got to
find the one. I was drunk when I wrote that.
Yeah, it's a good one. That's a good question.
Those you got to throw out. She suspects. Those
you got to throw out. What's your favorite flavor
cock? I bring the same friend over for Christmas
every year. Hey. Yeah, but I think that that's
the best way to do it is have the audience write
a suggestion down on a card, have someone go
through the cards, take out the preposterous
ones, and then put all the cards in like a wheel.
Spin the wheel. Crank it. And then you get what
you get. That's what I want to do at the new
club. Because you can take away one of those
nights. I'm going to have a night like that at
the new club. But have a wheel. By the way, good
questions you can keep for next time. Yeah. If
we didn't get to them, it was a silly question,
leave it in there. Yeah, if you have a stack
of questions, you don't even need the audience.
I've tried to do the Q &A thing sometimes. I
do it. I try because I got to get new material
and shit. I'm like, all right, let's see how
this goes. And if that goes bad, that sucks.
But every now and then you get a gem. Yeah. If
you do five or six of those Q &As in a row, for
me, one of them, like last night I have a gem.
Yeah. And I got to go over the recordings and
listen to it. But there was one where I was in
the middle of it. I was like, holy shit. Yeah,
you found one. This is a real premise. Right.
This is fun. And people were laughing like it
was a bit. I was like, this is a premise. And
the more you do it, the better at it you get.
Yeah, you get better. And then by the fifth night,
you're just zinging and zanging. Yeah, I've done
it. a couple times where like I ended strong
like a closer killed and then I was like Hey,
you know what? I'm going to hang out. You guys
got any questions? People are just like, wait,
where's Matt? It's like people just yell. Do
Trump take his shit? What about Trump? Do Trump
Hitler? It's better in the check drop section,
and then you end with your fucking last bit.
That's not a bad move. You used to do that with
the wolf bit, but then you save it until after
that shit. It's hard to follow a Q &A because
it gets kind of amped up, and then you go back
to like Uber's weird, and it's kind of a drop.
You've got to sound natural. And the problem
is people have got their hands up while you're
doing Uber's weird. Hey, hey, hey. How do you
guys write? How do you write, Shane? I just do
podcasts. If I can make Matt laugh, I'm like,
alright, that's good. I think the best at that,
the fucking riff, just riffing, is Tim. He's
the king. He's the king. Burr's great, but Burr,
a lot of times, Burr gets serious about stuff.
It's great. Tim stays ridiculous. It's amazing
how Burr comes up with material. He turns over
material so well. So fast. And part of it is
because he has that rant muscle. And he sits
for an hour every week. Two times a week. Monday
and Thursday. I like my writing. Dylan is consistently
hilarious doing it. Even when he gets serious,
he's serious for like 10 seconds and then he
says something ridiculous. He'll stay funny.
Even if he has to make a serious point that he
wants out, he'll stay funny while he's doing
it. And he has good takes. You're like, oh, that's
a good point. I never thought of that. way and
it's funny he's got he's the master of that form
that and also he's got uh his buddy ben who's
his who laughs who's his um producer but he's
no what's her name from stern Robin. Yeah, but
it's better because it's like he's he's he doesn't
chime in much He's just a one -person fan who's
like laughing at everything and then Tim's wearing
fucking cop aviators And you know, it seems like
he's high as fuck be sober. Yeah, and gay. Yeah,
it's high off semen A lot of people don't believe
he's gay. He's got all that semen. I don't believe
he's gay. My wife doesn't believe he's gay. Oh,
he's gay. There's nothing about him that seems
gay. I'll tell you, there's something about him
that seems gay. He fucks guys. Sometimes he fucks
guys in their butts. That'll do it. Are you sure
he does that, or maybe he just fucks their mouths?
True. I think he takes it. Oh, really? I thought,
like, twinks. Those loud guys always take it.
How do you know? My dad. Did your dad get...
To have butt sex with guys? I don't know. I'm
assuming. He's, you know, hippie from the 60s.
He's of that age. They tried it. They all tried
it. Apparently, that was, like, the thing during,
like, the rock and roll era. Like, they said
that Mick Jagger and David Bowie were found in
bed together by Mick Jagger's wife. Mooney and...
They run through all the pussy. You get bored.
Yeah. It's like Gerbil with Richard Gere. Well,
I think there was also, like, people were...
Oh, come on. True. He's a Scientologist. That
gerbil. That gerbil story was because of Scientology.
Wait, did we talk about it last time? Yeah, we
did. Oh, really? Yeah, he left Scientology. When
he left Scientology, they smeared him. They revealed
the truth. They got a rough one on him. That's
what they threaten you with. Hey, we know your
secret. If you leave, we'll tell you. You imagine
if that's what you're looking forward to all
day you're at work, you know, doing data collection.
You got a gerbil in a tank. One day. That gerbil's
just on the wheel back home, has no idea what's
coming, dude. I know. You're going to go to an
asshole, though. You got a vat of lube. You're
going to just dunk him in that lube. And you
got to declaw it, let's be honest. You don't
want a lot of this shit. Tape him up. You tape
them up. Oh, you tape them up? Yeah, you tape
them. You tape your butthole closed? You tape
his little mouth. You tape his little feet. You
shove them in there and have them wiggle around.
The taping part's got to be kind of adorable,
though. Getting his little arms together. It's
like a hostage. It's horrible. It's like you're
kidnapping him. I never even thought of that.
You tape them. You got to tape. They're natural
burrowers. How do you get them in your ass? You
think you shove a habitrail in there first, open
it up nice, and then just... Blow them through.
I think you put a treat in there and let them
do their job. Your lover gets on the other end
like a blow dart. Yeah. And shoots that trouble
right in your asshole. I wonder if it's one of
those things you stick a tube in your butt and
it goes towards the heat. Maybe. It could be
one of those. Like a missile. I think it just
moves around. It's duct taped. Right. Is that
a real thing? Are you sure there's tape? Yeah.
How does it move? I'm going to make it almost
up. It can't move if it's taped. It needs the
legs. I mean, it makes perfect sense. Yeah. Otherwise,
it would have to be declawed. Is it a real thing?
Do people do it? That's a good question. Forget
gear. Is it a thing that's done? Yes. JV, there's
got to be some videos. Yeah, that's a good question.
Jada Pinkett does it. This guy's going to juggle
his ass? What is happening here? Oh, these guys
are going to crack out of each other's ass. I
can't watch this. Oh, he's boofing him with the
crack. He's boofing him. He's going to shoot
the crack in his ass? Jar of piss on the floor,
too. I love they always have the fucking hospital
band still on. Yeah. That's an old junkie, too,
man. That guy's had time. Oh, Jesus. You let
it all go, you junkie. Oh, he's blowing it right
into his asshole. The new Cheech and Chong's
nuts. I hope he farts it out. He's digging in
that guy's asshole in his face. I saw a video
I sent this. Look at him breathing heavy. Look
at the guy on the right. Replay that, please.
The guy, just back it up. Look at the guy who's
taking the crack in his ass. Look how excited
he is. Look at his breath. Oh, he's inhaling.
He's exhaling it. He's, yeah. As his first fun
time all day. We got to try that today. That's
got to feel so good, dude. What a good bonding
experience. Getting crack in your ass? Oh, yeah.
It must be the best. It's definitely a bonding
experience. Because crack in your mouth is good.
So in your ass, it must be unbelievable. Has
anybody here ever tried crack? No. Coke, sure,
but no crack. It's got to be the same. That's
what Carl Hart says. Diaz said he did crack for
six months once. And you're like, why? He's like,
because the Coke deal was out of my way and the
crack deal was on the way home from the store.
It's just easier. It's easier. He didn't have
to make a left on Schrader. Now that Joey's not
doing any hard drugs, that he just smokes weed,
he'll talk to you. He'll take a pill once in
a while. Oh, yeah, but he's not doing whatever
he was doing when we were worried. Right, right,
right, right. You know, there was those days
when he had those. To go meet a guy with a package?
Yeah, he would just, weird moments where he would
just vanish. He would just, there was times where
you just wondered, like, is he going to be alive
tomorrow? Like, you know, when are we going to
see him again? You know, there was moments where
Joey, until his career started going well. He
just quit? Yeah. He quit coke? Yeah. Damn. And
his career started taking off. Something came
along with the internet where people started
to realize who Joey Diaz was. He could find his
audience, too. Yeah. They could find him. You're
not going to get a Joey Diaz off of fucking Evening
at the Improv. No. You're never going to understand
him. That's right. Every one of his tape sets
was like, what the fuck? This is so much darker
and dirtier than anything you've ever seen on
film. Well, when he did This Is Not Happening,
that's when you got a chance to see the real
him. Yeah. If Comedy Central had any fucking
brains, they'd rehire you and do that show again.
It's over. Let it go. I like Roy Wood. Let it
go. Roy Wood's great. I love Roy Wood. Roy Wood's
fucking great. He's a beast. I love that dude.
I love him. He's a hilarious comedian. He's my
favorite host. Yeah. And he was one of those
guys where him taking over Ari's gig was like,
okay. No, he called me for permission. Yeah,
he's a big guy. And I said, go for it. We've
got to save these jobs. Yeah, he is the man.
He's the man. And he was nice to me before I
did anything. He was nice to you after that stuff.
And he was like, Asians suck, dude. Come on,
let's hang out. Yeah, true. No, no, I'm not saying
get canceled. I'm saying he was nice. The first
time I met him, I was with Soder at Sal's house
for the Super Bowl thing. And he was there, and
he was like, hey, he was the only one. Yeah,
he's cool. Everyone else is... You ever hear
his hustle stories? Like what he did to make
it? Where he would do a morning radio and he
would drive like five hours, do a gig, and then
five hours back and do radio in the morning.
Like wild shit. Crazy shit. He kills so hard.
He's cool because like Andre Agassi, they taught
him how to hit hard and they taught him how to
aim. Roy Wood came as a fucking killer road comic
and then came to New York and he was like, I'm
already a destruction guy. And now let me show
you what I can do in New York, too. Yeah. Creative
side. Yeah, he's great. Too bad. He's the best.
And also, he's such a good host. That's what
I love about him. Damn it. Great host. It's my
show. It's my show. It's my show. But you know
what? There was Craig Kilbourne before Jon Stewart,
and Jon Stewart was better. Yeah, this is how
it works. Oh, good point. Am I right? You're
Will Smith. Jack Park can't fuck with Carson.
Jack Park can't fuck with Carson. Right? Jack
Barr cannot fuck with Carson. Nobody remembers
Jack Barr. You're Kilborn, baby. Yeah. And then
Steve Allen was before, like, in the mix. P .U.
I'm drinking here. Hey, easy. Steve Allen was
in the mix with Jack Carr. We will get that show
going again. This is not happening? Independently.
Who owns the name? Who owns the name? I was trying
to get it back from them, but we could just change
it to, like, Shane and I were talking the other
day. This is still happening. Oh, that's good.
Yeah. That's perfect. They're going to sue you.
They'll sue you for that. It's not necessarily
their name or my name. It's like they license
a show, so it's a gray area on who has a name.
If they were cool, they should fucking just give
it to me. You need better lawyers. Yeah. But
this is not happening is a great name. Call the
whole gang. This is not happening is a great
name. Solid name for sure. Solid name. One of
the best owns ever was when your special was
coming out and Stern was shitting on you. And
you did that video. I've never heard of this
guy. You did that video with you standing in
front of a billboard on Sunset with your fucking
face. Ari Shaffir's stand -up comedy special.
The way you owned him was a master class. Who
was it? Stern. That was an early Jamie creation.
Jamie has nothing to do with that. No, not true.
Stern shit on Ari. Stern shit on Ari for a full
half an hour. Why? Because Ari shit on Stern
on my show. You never saw that? He said he loved
American Sniper. And I was like, fuck him. Him
and Clint Eastwood just suck each other's wrinkled
dicks in their old man camps. Totally lost touch.
Dude, it's crazy how you do that. And then someone's
like, what? I'm so mad. No, worse. Worse. He
spent a whole half hour talking shit about Ari
being a loser. And he's got nothing going on.
He's got no career. A podcast. And then Ari does
this brilliant video where he says, It's such
an honor that you even know who I am. Mr. Stern.
I know you're older, so go into your, what do
you use, Netflix Navigator? What is it? Here's
how you can search. You're making fun of people's
age? So he does a video. That was a long time
ago. He does a video where he searches his own
name, and he's like, look, look at all these
things. Ari Shaffir, look at this. Look, I got
a special coming out of Comedy Central this weekend,
and here's me in front of a billboard. So it's
him on, it was. Fucking magnificent. That's Ari
right there. Look at this. It's fucking magnificent.
Wow. That was when Ari had a career. It was a
magnificent home. Because that billboard was
right down the street from the store at Pink
Dot. So we drove by it all the time. That was
a big win for us to see Ari's face on that billboard.
A Sunset Loser having a billboard on Sunset.
That was a big win, dude. Can we get Roy Wood's
face on there now? Literally, what you don't
know is just under my underarm, just over there.
I know it's there. Is my apartment. Oh, really?
Is my bathroom window. Yes. Right there. What
a time to be alive. To have a billboard on Sunset
Boulevard. When Netflix put out Strange Times,
when I did Strange Times, they put out a bunch
of billboards. And it was cool. But there was
one of them right on Sunset, right near Carney's.
And it was like driving to work. I would drive
from Sunset just so I could see it. I would drive
that way from the 405. I would go from the 405
just so I could see the billboard. Like that.
That's a win. So when you got that, that was
a win for us. We were looking at that like, fuck
yeah. Ari's got a billboard on fucking Sunset
right next to the store. From door guy to that.
Yeah, it was cool. That's cool. It was cool.
It was like, hey, all right. Because also, Comedy
Central never took any of us. No. The store was
full of losers. So it was like, having that was
like this underdog win. How did you get it through
to them? Because they don't buy anything. I'll
tell you how. They help each other out. They
built it up step at a time. Ari started that
fucking thing off in the lab, at the old lab
in the improv, the little tiny room. Oh, yeah.
Back when it was a good setup. Before they ruined
it. Yeah, no bar in there. Just a black box theater.
They fucked that up. The old setup was so much
better. Yeah. The new setup is like, it's too
busy. It's like too close to the front door.
People are going through it to get to the other
room. Not good. But the old setup was amazing
because it was really like a little lab. You
did it in there a couple times, right? Yeah,
I did your show there. I did stand -up shows
there. It was a great little room. The new room
is death. It's weird. Everybody bombs in there
but Damon Wayans. I see Damon Wayans killing
it. Junior? No, the big one. Older. Older. He
works out his stuff. You know, Damon Wayans has
recorded every fucking set he's done since the
90s. He sets up a tripod with an HD. He's got
a camera like this. And he edits them himself.
And he goes over all of his sets. Geez, well,
where's the next special? What's he waiting for?
That's a good question. He's getting that TV
money. He was a legit stand -up for a while.
When he came in to work out of the store, he
would do this thing where he'd do really boring
hacking material for five minutes until the crowd
lost faith in him, and then he would start what
he's working on. So you don't give him the fucking
freebie as a famous person. He would intentionally
do bad. Really? Yeah, just to like, okay, you
guys don't trust me anymore? Cool, here's what
I'm actually working on. I definitely saw him.
He definitely fucked around a lot and let himself
get into holes where it wasn't getting any laughs
for a while. And they would dig himself out of
holes and then sometimes just murder and then
come back. But he was working on material. I
mean, he was really genuinely working. Why does
he have a new special? Damon. You're a great
comic. He did that show, that ABC show, and I
think he made a lot of money, and he got in that
whole family comedy situation where you show
up, you get those big checks. You can't just
start up stand -up again, too. No, he's still
doing stand -up. Oh, he is? He's still doing
stand -up. Yeah. I think in this day and age,
that's why Steve Harvey doesn't do specials.
Steve Harvey doesn't do stand -up anymore because
he's worried about getting canceled. Really?
Yeah, because all these guys are wild material.
And then they have these shows where they're
making... Steve Harvey's making a fucking billion
dollars a year. Dude, Steve Harvey has that one...
He's like, you're lucky I'm not in Iraq. I'd
be fucking shooting everybody. Oh, yeah. It's
so crazy. Oh, my God. He's like, I'm not going
there. I'd be like, get that little kid out of
here. He should be wearing that fucking burqa.
It's like crazy shit. Yeah, him on Family Feud
is ridiculous. He's hilarious. Oh, you know comics
are doing that. We've got to get a group going.
Moshe Cash is doing it with Natasha and a couple
other people. He's like, hey, dude, you can get
a family, quote unquote, the three of us, Lewis,
just like dumb shit, and just go in there and
just be a family. Yeah, Moshe goes, Moshe, what's
your answer? He goes, will you be on my podcast?
Moshe's funny. Yeah, that's funny. Oh, man, that's
a great idea. Fast money. That's all me. Just
get paid, free trip to L .A. You're good at that
stuff. Oh, yeah, I played that for years at home.
You are quick. Thank you. Autism. Yeah. One word,
quick. How much of that you got? Autism, how
much you got? I think I'm pretty good, like 40.
40 %? I'd say. Really? Yeah. What makes a person
40 % autistic as opposed to a regular person
like myself? I think you have a little more...
So, what are you, emotional intelligence? Oh,
so what do you do that, like, you go, ah, I've
done that. That's pretty good. I'll tell you,
here, let me give you two great Norman autisms.
Oh, fuck. When we went on that ski trip, we're
getting on the lift. He's wearing a fucking Dirk
Nowitzki jersey. And this guy, trying to be friendly,
he's with his family. While we're about to get
on the lift, he's like, oh, I thought Dirk was
a lot taller than that. Norman just goes, yeah,
I'm gay. And the lift is just some guy standing.
there with his family like, who the fuck was
that guy? He panicked. I didn't know what to
say. He didn't know what to say. That's the fault.
That's the fault. Yes. And then we're on the
plane on the way here and he's like, can I get
a whiskey? And he pulls his mask down and goes...
To the ladies. And this tortoise. She laughed.
It's funny. It's funny, but I'm sitting next
to her like, what the fuck are you doing? Did
she know who you are? No. No. It feels weird
to end a sentence, so I need some button. It's
too much awkwardness, so I panic. Right. That's
why I don't look at you in the eye. That's why
the sunglasses are on right now. Yeah, it helps.
My autism results in me bringing up Joe List
on This Is Not Happening and be like, one of
my best friends, and you're like, eh. No, actually,
he's a good friend of mine. He's a good friend
of mine, but I wouldn't say Joe just because
I'm like, why would you include any of that?
What was that? He's just autism. It's funny,
though, for me to be calling you autistic. I
was literally playing a Civil War simulator on
my laptop the whole way. You had a laptop with
an RPG going, this giant of a man. You play a
Civil War simulator? The South shall rise again.
And this thing was dense. I mean, he's got money.
Let's be honest about anybody who's recreating
the Civil War. They're not trying to recreate
the same ending. Oh, I am, dude. I love the Union.
You want the North to win. I love the North.
But most people, those Civil War reenactors.
How could the South have done it? Hey, we won.
We won, didn't we? The South? Who's we? The South.
You're in New Orleans. In what? I'm Louisiana.
In what way? In what? Didn't we win the first
battle? Oh, yes. You were winning the battle.
No, you won a lot. Okay. What was the first battle?
The first Manassas or Bull Run. Thank you. Yeah,
you guys got a big victory. It was a Union skedaddle.
They got out of there. Oh, that's a good album
title. That was the one where it was outside
of Washington, so a bunch of senators, they thought
it was going to be fun. They showed up for picnic
baskets, sat on the hill drinking, and watched
the battle. Didn't they used to watch on the
hill in those days? And then it ended up being,
that was technically, some people say it was
the first modern war, so they started hitting
them with rifled bullets, and they were like,
oh shit, this isn't what it used to be. Oh, because
they weren't using muskets? No, it just, shit
got very serious. Artillery was heavy. It was
like, whoop. And there was just a, yeah, it was
a bloodbath. We'll rise again. I'm against slavery.
And then the guys retreated through all the picnics.
For the record. Yeah. Yeah, like dudes covered
in blood with like their arm hanging off were
running through the picnics and those ladies
in those dresses were like, have some class.
What's crazy about the Civil War is that the
border between the North and the South is like
a literal border. Like you could walk across
it. Yeah. So how many murders? occurred after
the Civil War. What do you mean murders? Murders.
Where the war was over, but people knew that
you shot my daddy and you shot my brother. Oh,
a lot. How many? A lot. A lot of murders. Yeah,
some guys kept fighting. I bet it. I mean, the
Klan started all this stuff. The Klan started
after the Civil War? Yeah, it was in the north.
The Klan started after the war because the Klan
started in Illinois? It might have been Indiana.
Indiana. Yeah. The Klan started in Indiana? Give
it a go. I'm telling you. Two weeks ago. Yeah,
Forrest Gump's named after the guy. What? Benjamin
Buford Forrest. Oh, that's right. Forrest Gump
in the movie, he's like, he started something
where they dressed up like ghosts or something.
Yeah, and lit crosses on fire. That's so funny.
I haven't seen that movie in forever. It's so
good. Here it goes. Hey, fire this up. 1865,
right at the end of the Second Civil War. Wow.
Second clan? What does that mean? Change it.
Go back to the crackhead. There were like three
different ones. Third clan. Wow. What do you
think this realistic like? 2 ,000 Klan members
now? Circa around 5 ,000 to 8 ,000. And the media
makes it into this. It's happening every day,
everywhere. I don't think it's that many. 3 million
to 6 billion peaked in 1924 to 1925. Yeah, they
were fired up. In 24 to 25, there were 6 million
Klan members. I think that was what's called
birth of a nation. Yes. Everybody got fired up.
These guys are cool. You know what's crazy? Yeah.
How many people were here then? That's what's
crazy. It wasn't 300 million. That's a good point.
3 to 6 million in the 20s. Let's imagine. How
many black people were there? That's not even
enough black people to hate. At that point, they
were after Catholics and Jews and shit also.
Catholics? Yeah, they hated Catholics. Back then,
they were like, black people know what their
place is, but these Jews are owning properties.
You guys do get a little rowdy. Let's take a
guess. At the highest. You're going to get ridden
up. Pulled back there. You're going to get ridden
up. If it's the highest number. About three lights
away from letting that one go. Bring it on, Freddie.
You guys are. No, no, no. If it's 6 ,000. Million.
Okay. If it is 6 million. Excuse me. 6 million.
What do you think? Let's guess. That's a myth.
What do you think the population of the United
States was in 25? In 1925? Let's guess. 83 million.
I bet it was. That's a pretty good guess. I'll
say 60 mil. 60. So that's 10 %? Yeah, I bet.
Off our guess. Can you imagine if 10 % of the
people in the United States were in a Klan? Is
that real? That's what the media says. Let's
guess. You think it's 60 million? I bet it's
a hundred. What do you get? Well, let's go one
at a time. How many people? 83 ,147 ,000. Okay.
60 mil. Is it close without going over? I'm going
60 as well. I'm going to say 100. I'm going to
say 100 million. I think it's 25. $1. We're all
going to be fucked. 115. Wow. Joe got it. Joe
got it. Native Americans were still alive. That's
why. So 6 million out of 115. Yeah, that's about
5%. That's a lot. That is wild. That's a tithe
of clans. million to 8 ,000. We're doing a good
job. They're going like Catholics. Nobody's joining
up. What? You guys ever heard of that guy Daryl
Davis? Uh -oh. I've had him on my podcast a couple
of times. He's personally converted over 200
Klan members and neo -Nazis. Just by being a
cool guy. They just want friends. Yes! Oh, he's
a big guy, right? Yeah, he's a blues singer.
And he would do these gigs, and he sat down with
this guy, and he was having a drink with the
guy. He's like, I never sat down with a black
man and had a drink before. He thought he was
joking around. He's like, what? And he goes,
yeah, I'm in the Klan. He thought it was a joke.
He goes, no, I'm... I'm serious. And he pulls
out his ID card. His clan ID? Yes. Oh, I got
to get one of those. Shit like a triangle. Daryl
becomes friends with this guy. When they ask
for your fucking vaccine, be like, oh, wrong
card. Daryl becomes friends with this guy. Yeah.
And he converts him. The guy like goes, the guy
hands him his fucking grand wizard outfit. He
goes. I can't wear this anymore. Now that I'm
friends with you. Because I get it now. You guys
are cool. Yeah. He goes, it's bullshit. I know
it's bullshit. That's really all it takes is
meeting one. By the way, that's exactly what
the first thing they got. Second thing they got
Jordan Peterson on. What? The association with
the alt -right. And he was like, no, I'm trying
to get him to be cool. Right. And they're like,
why are you talking to them? He's like, to get
them back. Well, he was joking around about the
whole frog thing. He thought the frog thing was
funny. It was. It's a 4chan thing. It was funny.
No. It was funny. It's a meaningless symbol that
they said, let's just. pretend that the right
takes it, and the right did take it, and the
left got mad, and now Fortune is sitting back
going, it doesn't mean anything! Have you seen
the guy who created the frog? He's so fucking,
he's beside himself. He doesn't know what to
do. So he tried to kill off the frog, and everybody's
like, nah, we're gonna keep him, we're gonna
give him a Nazi hat. You saw the QAnon doc. There's
a doc on the frog guy, just the frog guy. He's
like, I found my message! His frog was like crying,
like, feels bad, man. Yeah. You know, like that
was his frog. It was like a silly thing. And
that meme took over during the Trump administration.
Damn. Maybe before. It was right. It was the
buildup. It was the election. It was when Milo
was still on Twitter. Yeah. Milo was the pinnacle
of Twitter. Do you think Elon Musk brings Milo
and Trump back? I would hope he does. At least
Milo. And Trump, too. They're so fun. Give him
another chance. It's so fun. That guy sucks.
Let him tweet, dude. Milo sucks? Yeah, right?
No, Milo's the best. He just gets people riled
up. He doesn't care about any of it. I don't
know him at all. I've never really... I watched
his old stuff when he was like... really angering
people I liked him when he would go to a college
and be like he's a provocateur it was funny he's
a very smart guy very articulate guy very well
read guy who's a provocateur and he's not in
real life he is but his business was made on
talking shit and making people upset with him
and saying outrageous things and getting a lot
of attention the one clip he had where somebody
he's in this panel he's young he's got this blonde
bleach blonde hair and some lady's like you can't
you're not a woman you can't talk on women's
issues and then he waits he waits and then he
talks about men and she interrupts He goes, hey,
Missy, pretty much goes, we're talking about
men right now, so uh -uh, you don't get the voice
in here, right? And then she's just so fucking
livid. He was prime. He was good. He was a contrarian.
They took it away. The problem was he was too
effective. And he was one of the first guys that
Twitter banned. And they banned him under this
pretense that he was having people, there was
people that were going after Leslie Jones. And
you see, I tried to press them when they were
on the podcast. Yeah. but they wouldn't admit
to this, but they were saying essentially that
he had more than one account under his name.
But he worked for Daily Wire at the time, right?
Was it Daily Wire? No. I don't remember. Was
it, what was it, Breitbart? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Breitbart. Breitbart? But he, you know, there's
probably other employees from that same office
that shared that IP address that were also logging
on. But they tried to attribute, they were saying
that he had multiple accounts. They're using
excuse to get rid of him. Maybe. I don't know.
It's hard to say. I mean, yeah. But when I pressed
them on the show, they were fucking, they were
like doing legalese calculations in their head
as to what they would say. How do we justify
this one? The reality is we just didn't like
him. I wonder why they have to even worry about
legalese. It's their company. Yeah. Elon's now.
They're getting sued left and right by a bunch
of people. I'm sure Trump. Multiple people are
in the process of suing him. Oh, I'm talking
about Twitter. I would imagine he is suing him.
He's suing Hillary. Is he really? For what? I
don't know. He should have put her in jail when
he said he was gonna. That would have been funny
shit. Dude, if he would have locked her up. He
said, I'm president, I'll lock you up. I was
like, dude, that's so funny. As a non -political
guy, that would have been hella fun for me. There's
a video. There's a video. They did like a correspondence
thing. Sues Hillary Clinton over 2016 Russian
collusion allegations. For sure. Yeah, well.
She started it. It was not true. Not only did
they start it, but they were actually actively
spying on him during the time. And they hired
people to infiltrate his servers. They're making
him likeable. They're making him very likeable.
He's going to run again. The suit alleges racketeering
and a conspiracy to commit injurious falsehood,
amongst other claims. Clinton representative
did not respond to request for comment. Suit
seeks compensatory and punitive damages. Trump
said he was forced to incur expenses in an amount
to be determined at trial, but known to be in
excess of $24 million and continuing to accrue
in the form of defense costs, legal fees, and
related expenses. I would love that. What if
he wins? Why would it be so funny? I hope he
doesn't. There's a lot of evidence. We already
got fighting. There's a lot of evidence. Good
point. There's a lot of evidence that they colluded
against him. There's a lot of evidence. They
spied on him. A lot of the shit that he was saying
that was a wild conspiracy theory, not really.
Turns out there was a kernel of truth in a lot
of what he was saying. They were actively fucking
spying on him. He should have locked her up.
Fucking sitting president. That's so fucking
fun. They did like a thing. They do this thing.
It used to be almost like the correspondence
dinner. It was like right before or after the
last debate, him and Hillary and a bunch of political
people had like a roast. And they joke around
and shit. And one of Trump's jokes was, he's
like, it's good to see Hillary. When she walked
by my chair, I bumped into her and she said,
pardon me. Because he was going to arrest her.
And he's like, maybe I will. I don't know. Oh,
that's great. Oh, nice, dude. Well, I want to
thank your eminence. Dude, he kills for like
the first half. Is he a Vatican? Fucking Pope.
Bombs, dude. Oh, yeah, it's a Catholic thing.
It's a bishop thing. And he's like, yeah, they
got to pretend they like the Catholics, even
though they love abortion, like all this shit.
Funny guy, man. Oh, Katie. Look at him. Buddies
with Schumer. They were all buddies. Oh, yeah.
They're all buddies. Best friends. That guy's
wicked shiny. Yeah. They're all hammered. Well,
they're on that adrenochrome. It's sucking baby's
blood. Imagine that, being that rich with a bow
tie and still rocking a comb over. Look at the
guy with the glasses. He's like, I'm tricking
everybody. This is the Illuminati. Who's the
girl in the red? She's something. She looks like
an old actress, right? Yeah. She was a news lady.
I'm into it. She's a hot old lady. Look at Harry
Clinton right there. Let's hear some. Look at
Dama Ray in the middle. The jokes are fucking.
Hello to all of you in this room. Is that Gayle
King? Who have known and loved me. For many many
years she's got one glove Michael Jackson style
the politicians They've had me to the bed about
right. Oh They've introduced me to their children.
I Become their best friends in many instances
They've asked for my endorsement and they always
wanted my money And even called me really a dear
dear friend, but then suddenly But that's okay.
The truth is... Why are they there together?
They're supposed to hate each other. This is
before I really sunk in. This is before he won.
They were all laughing. They were like, I'm very
modest. In fact, many people tell me that modesty
is perhaps my best quality. Even better than
my temperament. Child rape. This is terrible.
Now, hold on. He starts killing. Whatever. Yeah,
it's too long. It's like a bad comedy special.
Like, get to the first joke. He starts crushing.
He starts hitting Hillary. If you fast forward
to the end, they are turning on him. It's pretty
good. Yeah, he's getting laughs. And then towards
the end, people get, they're like, oh, man, I
can't support you. Right here. Right there. But
one of the things I noticed tonight. And I've
known Hillary for a long time. This is the first
time ever, ever, that Hillary is sitting down
and speaking to major corporate leaders and not
getting paid for it. Hey, she liked it. She has
some chompers, dude. Yeah. You know, last night,
I called Hillary a... It's funny. You're going
to have to trust me on this. That was like an
evening at the improv. That's one of those videos
where like start at this point. Yeah, my bad.
You need to find the clips. The highlights. It's
a highlight thing. Yikes. Yeah, it's just funny
to see them all like him and Hillary and everybody.
Piling around. That's that shirt I had before.
The second he won, they got. Bill Clinton and
Epstein. It's like these guys and Trump. They
all were friends. Epstein was CIA, dude. You
think so? He was intelligence. Without a doubt.
United States intelligence? You just mean Jews
are intelligent. He was Mossad or CIA. He was
one of them. Or maybe together. I mean, they
found, when they went to his house, they found
rooms. There's cameras in every room. Who's they
and how do you know this? That Nick Bryant dude
I told you about came on ours. He wrote a, yeah,
it's crazy. It's crazy. Did he go there and see
the cameras? I think it's public. It's public
records. Like the police. I love it when Joe
calls you on your fax and you're like, I don't
know, I kind of know it. But here's the question.
If that's the case, where are the tapes? Who's
got the tapes? They're not coming out. Here's
how it's very clear he's intelligent. He got
arrested by the Palm Beach Police Department
in early 2000s, maybe 90s, whatever. He was charged
with like 32 counts, 32 different underage girls.
They were like, all right, we're not going to
take it to trial. We're going to take it to a
grand jury or whatever that thing is, where it's
sealed. Nobody can find out about it. He got
charged with one count, and he served 13 months.
And it was like a work release thing. Yeah, he
was able to leave and fuck kids. Was he fucking
the kids? I think he was hooking it up. What's
this, Jamie? Drone footage from when they were
raiding his island. In the Caribbean? Filled
with cameras. NYPD and FBI. Yeah, why is the
NYPD there? Well, because he had a house in New
York. I mean, he allegedly did some crimes in
New York. Look into it. He had a crazy house
in New York that somebody gifted him. A guy who
was the CEO of Victoria's Secrets. Is that what
it was? Yeah, that dude. I think that was it.
He's in on it. Yeah. There was a lot of guys
that had to resign because they donated like
$150 million to Epstein. And people were like,
why did you give him that much money? Because
he runs a good party. Yeah. Great guy. He had
a killer party. Really knew how to do stuff with
money. But the police in Florida were like, we
were told he was intelligent. Yes, I've heard
that. They had a quote because they were like,
how is this happening? Right. How is he getting
18 months? Or whatever it was. 18 -year -olds.
Yeah, I mean, he was, yeah, they were probably
like, how do I get in that fucking house? I mean,
it's weird shit. I'm thinking of Victoria's Secret.
You see the Down syndrome model? Yeah. Oh, nice.
Yeah, pull her up. Fire her up. Pull her up.
She's hot. Very hot. Yeah. That's a weird situation.
That was another Epstein thing. The guy who donated
was like, hey, I really love Downs kids. No.
Can you provide that for me? Oh, yeah, the Victoria's
Secret guy. Yeah. It's my kink. It's funny because
she's still hot, so they're inclusive, but they're
still shallow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's her?
Get the better picture. That's the picture. That's
the picture. In the words of Dave Attell, those
titties ain't retarded. Oh, how dare you. That's
Dave's joke. There was a guy that I knew that
was a counselor. The guy that I knew was a counselor,
and he worked with mentally challenged people,
and he said, they're always fucking. Of course.
Because they don't know they're not supposed
to. Inhibitions are gone or whatever. More than
I do. But they just masturbate all the time.
And apparently they're huge dongs. You know what?
You've heard that? Oh. We've got multiple conversations
going simultaneously. We've got to avoid that.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, where did you hear they
got huge dongs? I think it's just common knowledge.
Big fat fingers? Boys have hammers. Yeah, you've
heard that. The boys have hammers. I mean, I
bet you could pull that up. I bet some guys would
be like, wait, okay, how much downs can I still
have a big dick and be functional? Do you think
there's some chicks who love fucking downs, boys?
Yeah. People tattoo their eyeballs. Well, they're
very strong, man. Very strong. They can pick
up cars. There's a group of people for everything
out there. Oh, yeah. And women love someone you
can change. They're just my favorite. You can't
change them. My buddy. My buddy Spud had a friend
who was buddies with a guy with downs, and he
said this dude ripped. They were playing basketball
outside, and he ripped the hoop out of the ground.
Whoa. You see? I could squeeze that ball if they
wanted. He was just like, ah. Oh, my God. Isn't
that the story of Rudy? Basically. I mean, right?
He's like a football player, but he's challenged.
Was he challenged? No, no, no. Instagram account?
What a verified account. Drags and drugs. Drags.
Drag syndrome? Drag syndrome. Oh, my God. I'm
not trashing these dudes. They're having a good
time. They're not dudes. They're girls, you son
of a bitch. No, no, no. They're drags. They're
drags. Drags are just regular dudes. The first
one had Gillis facial hair. Wait a minute, but
drags aren't. That's an attack, dude. Oh, come
on. You keep looking like a Korean warrior. I'm
excited about this facial hair, dude. I'm glad
you brought it up. All right. Your mustache?
Yeah. What are you doing with that? Is that new?
People keep telling me to get rid of it. Is that
a gig? It looks like a Chinese emperor. Yeah,
that's what I'm going for. Is it a gag, rather?
I mean, I don't think it looks great. So why
do you keep it? Well, because I've had enough
people around me be like, Shave that. I'm like,
well, now I'm not. I think that's cool, bro.
There you go. You're pushing back. You know what
I mean? I get it. My girlfriend's like, yeah,
you should get rid of it. I'm like, well, now
I'm not. Do you understand this? She's got her
slapped. Yeah. Will Smith. Will Smith, dude.
I wonder how you would look. Is it good with
the chin hair? Does that balance it out? Don't
worry, dude. I'm thinking maybe no chin hair.
There's nothing we can do to make it. Grow it
long. Grow it long at the bottom. Yeah. Full
man chew. No, I'm thinking more offensive would
be no chin hair at all, just a mustache. Just
a mustache is wild looking on me. Is it? Because
that's all I'm seeing because I don't see your
chin because of the mic. It's pretty fuzzy down
there. It's not good. I'm fine with it. I know
it's not good. It's burned it off. Burn it off.
You can burn it off real quick. Burn it off.
Burn it off. I don't smell. Yeah, just give it
a buzz. What's funny is if I shave it, just the
mustache, pure John Candy. Really? Yeah. He's
funny. And what's funny is the last couple, like,
any time I'm talking to, like, agents or whatever
about, like, a thing, they're like, I mean, we
think you could, you're like, you could be John
Goodman, Farley. I'm like, yo, why you guys?
Ralphie May. Yeah, why you guys hit me? Almost
dead or now dead. Yeah, what the fuck are you
guys doing? You could die of an overdose of hamburgers
in no time. Has anybody, you're working out a
lot now. Not a lot. I'm trying, dude. Well, I'm
watching you on Instagram. I'm working on it.
You're losing weight. I sent you that picture.
You look good. You look better, for sure. You
definitely look better. It's coming back a little.
Has anybody said, well, you know, you got a kind
of specific type for casting. Maybe it would
be a good idea to not lose weight. Oh, no, no,
no. Nobody's. I'm not losing any weight. Someone
said that to Kevin James. Really? Yeah. I told
him to fuck off. He's like, you're losing weight.
You're losing rolls. That's what he said. Literally.
He's eating rolls. Yeah, literally said that
to him. Yeah, literally. Sparky, what was his
name? Sparky. He was a bouncer in Long Island.
Big fat guy from McHale's Navy. Frazier? Sparky
something. McHale's Navy. He was this big fat
guy. He got tons of rolls, and then he lost 250
pounds, and then Hollywood's like, yeah, that's
it. Wow. What? Yeah, well, if you're a big fat
guy in movies, and then you lose a ton of weight.
Yeah, you're not a leading man. You're not an
handsome guy. Yeah, you don't have a name. You're
doing bit rolls. Interesting. That's true. Yeah.
Seinfeld has that rule. If you go up or down
20 pounds, your act is different. I agree with
that. People see you differently. Cute girls
can do a different act than you can do. You can
get away with certain jokes. Silverman can get
away with jokes that you and I can't get away
with. Love a good fat girl. On stage? Nice chubby
lady? That's comedy. Although chubby ladies have
gotten a little fucking... uppity lately. Have
they? Yeah, you know the fat ones out there.
They're all doing Thea Vidal. They're all just
doing an impression like, I don't give a shit.
It's like, you're all just doing Thea Vidal.
Well, wait, that's not what I meant. You went
black on us. Yeah, that's not what I meant. What
do you mean? No, I mean like... One more Bud
Light, we're going to review this question. Yeah,
we'll go. We'll come back to this question. Being
fat is the best. Take it easy. Oh, right. You
know what's the best? It's when a fat girl, like
whoever, Taylor Swift, not Taylor Swift. Adele
or whatever. And they're like, we love you. Be
whoever you are. And they lose weight. All these
fat chicks are like, fuck you. Look, I get it,
dude. I mean, obviously they're wrong, but you're
feeling betrayed a little bit. Yeah, because
she was one of you. I mean, that must have been
how the black people felt with Michael Jackson
when he went white. Yeah, they're like, wait
a second. But then when he went pedophile, they're
like, he's white. Keep him. Keep him. They never
believed it. That's right. A lot of people never
believed it. I like that. What, they don't believe
it? I love just being like, nah. Cosby, too.
Cosby, too. They're like, uh -uh. No thanks.
The only one they did do that with is R. Kelly.
They're like, oh, yeah, he did it. Yeah. Well,
there was a tape. He pissed on those kids. There
was a tape. There was a tape. But the tape came
out, and he was still fine. Well, he said it
wasn't me. I think that was Shaggy. It wasn't
me. He's currently incarcerated, right? Yeah.
Yeah. So I guess it was him. Are you glad you're
not into that? Yeah. I mean, it's not incarceration.
Imagine if that was a thing. You wanted to piss
on kids. It's like you love a lot of things,
but what you really love. I would love to piss
on a kid, but not in a sexual way. I've done
it. I was a bed wetter. I peed on a lot of kids,
but it was unintentional. Sleepovers? Yeah. I
would really get my ass kicked. That fucked you
up. It did. Bill's character. Maybe we did a
podcast about it. You wet. Yeah, until 16, something
like that. Yeah, 14. Do you think the R. Kelly
thing was like what we were talking about before
with David Bowie and Mick Jagger? It's like,
you just get so much pussy. You lose your fucking
mind. No, I think he's off. He's just got a problem.
He's just a wild dude. Yeah. I mean, I'm not
like - He's broken. Broken. He got the allowance
to do what he wanted, and then he found out.
Let me try everything. He's like, oh, this is
what I want. And he kind of started a sex cult,
right? Yeah, dude. He had them in the walls.
Yeah, Dungeons. Do you have your shots? He'd
open a closet, there'd be a girl in there like,
Help me! No, but he tricked them. A Stockholm.
Yeah, they were like, their parents would try
to get them and be like, you need help, this
guy's bad, and they'd be like, fuck you. Leave
me alone. I'm 18. Yeah, dude. You saw the thing
from Africa? Yeah, Dungeons, dude. What? Do you
saw the thing from Africa, his concert? No. Have
you had your shots? Do you want to come to America
to live in Rob's house? That's a song. Do you
have your shots? Do you have your passport? Something
like that. What shots? First off, he rules. I
still say, I maintain to this day that Real Talk
is one of the greatest music videos the world
has ever known. It was real. Which one was that?
Bill Maher? Would you like to come back with
Rob to America? America? Did you get your shots?
Do you have your passport? Would you like to
come back? Do you have your passport? Damn. He's
like the Pied Piper. That's what he was. He called
himself the Pied Piper. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh,
shit. I like how he brings a towel on stage.
He's sweating so much. You can often hand it
to someone in the front row and let them wipe
off the sweat. He's singing passionately. That's
another thing he does is like the soap opera
thing he did. You remember that? Trapped in the
Closet. That's not Real Talk? No, Trapped in
the Closet was like multiple, multiple songs.
There was a midget under the sink. That's what
happened. Oh my God, a midget. No. It's funny.
Before you do Trapped in the Closet, I need to
see Real Talk. Real Talk is one of the great...
It's him talking to... girl it's him talking
to a girl and she's accusing him of cheating
and he's getting his hair done and he's smoking
cigars and he's like what what did i do what
is it like yeah he sings in conversation amazing
like that he's like do you have your passport
do you want to come to america there's no rhyming
or anything no you do because I think it's a
great song, you know what I'm saying, even though
it's a lot of profanity in it. I think this guy
just got crack blown in his ass. That's the guy,
dude. You know what I'm saying? So I did it on
YouTube, but I'm going to do this shit for y
'all on YouTube. 2007. Early YouTube. Wow, dude.
Didn't South Park do this? They did The Closet.
We're going to be real, man. I'm just going to
be real. We're just going to roll with them and
we're going to do it. I'm doing this for the
fans that I know around the globe that love real
talk. Wait a minute. Calm down. I was at a club
with who? Friends don't care. Girl, I'm not about
to sit up here and argue with you about who's
to blame. Or call no names. Real talk. See, girl.
Only thing I'm trying to establish with you is
not who's right and who's wrong. What's right
and what's wrong? This is the best part. Right
here. Sitting in VIP. Smoking and drinking and
kicking it. Tell me, girl. Did she say there
were other guys there? Did she say there were
other guys there? Well, there are other guys
there. Well, tell me this. How the fuck she know
I was with the mother girl? That's so flimsy.
It's so good. It's so good. It's just funny because
everybody knows he's lying. He obviously was
with the other girl. Of course. Hold up. It's
not real talk at all. You ever see a video of
that guy sing to the judge his apology? No. Jamie,
see if you can find it. Dude. Hold on. Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, a midget. Oh, yeah. I got to see
this. Oh, it's fucking Peter Dinklage. No, it's
the wire guy. Anthony. Michael K. Williams. Michael
K. Williams. He was in this? Yeah. And then he
says, move. She says, no. He says, move. She
says, no. Bitch, move. She moves. She moves.
He looks at the cabinet. He walks to the cabinet.
Now he's opening the cabinet. Now pause the movie
because what I'm about to say to y 'all is so
damn twisted. Not only is there a man in his
cabinet, but the man is a midget. There's a crew
and cameraman and lighting guys here. Imagine
the guys who have to record this like, what the
fuck is going on? They didn't show the midget
coming out? Yeah, no midget. The midget comes
in the next episode. It's a cliffhanger. Dude,
was he trying to be funny? No, that's the beauty.
It's totally sincere. It's madness. It's almost
like there was no editing at all. He kicked him
in the shin! I've never seen this. Her name is
Bridget? Yeah, Bridget the Midget. Why is he
in a suit? He's under the sink in a suit. She's
getting a gun. Put her on a table! What the fuck
is going on? This is gold. This is gold. So crazy.
This guy got the booster. and i found your number
in my husband's pocket This is so insanely good.
We should have a view. Oh, she's got a double
barrel. Look at that. Oh, my God. Bridget's not
fucking around. There's 27 chapters or something,
right? Holy shit. We should have a viewing party.
This doesn't have enough views. It does not have
enough views. I know. It's like 162 ,000. That's
nothing. That's nothing. Oh, this is new. It's
probably gets uploaded and they take it down.
YouTube thinks it's problematic. Is it his feed
or someone else's? No, no. It's awesome that
we just assumed that Black Midget was Bushwick.
I don't know if it's not. It's not. Bush Wiggle
only has one eye. Oh, really? True. Yeah, it's
on the cover of We Can't Be Stopped. The other
eye? Bro, I'm a Ghetto Boys fan in the old days.
33 chapters. Thank God. Seven -year saga. We
should have a viewing party. That'd be the best.
Come on. Shrooms? I couldn't do shrooms. We've
got a big screen. It's right in front of us.
If we did shrooms and watched that, I'd be sad.
Yeah, that's tough. That would fuck me up. All
right, I just like doing shrooms. You'd never
want to see a midget on shrooms. No. It fucking
ruins the vibe. Sorry, Brad. Hey. What? You don't
say stuff like that. No. All right. I apologize.
Definitely see midgets when you're on mushrooms.
You can't even see midgets anymore. Yeah, midgets
are bad, dude. We're quoting Robert. Robert.
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?
Bitch. Real talk. I think I shitted myself. Hey,
Rob, if you're listening, I want to go to your
house, and I do have my passport and my shots.
He's in jail. Oh. I'll still go to your house.
I mean, the guy's an artist. My favorite line
in that song is he goes, Bitch, I wish you would
burn my motherfucking clothes. Because you can
tell she just said, I'm going to burn your clothes.
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking
clothes. It's just real conversations he's had
with subjects. It's so funny to get caught cheating
and think you have a good point. Were there other
guys there? Were there other guys? Right. And
then he sits back. Tell me this. Gotcha. How
the fuck she know I was with them other girls,
man? It's amazing. I might start sing -fighting
with my girlfriend. She's like, real talk. She's
like, stop playing Xbox. I'm like, bitch. I like
playing Xbox. What's amazing is how many years
he got away with doing what he was doing. Because
all this real talk was after the videotape got
released. The Chappelle sketch was 2003 -ish.
That's right. That's when it was a known thing
that he liked to piss on young chicks. And this
was 2007. It was funny. Never got to edit that
out of a movie. It was funny. Edit what out of
a movie? He never got edited out of any movies
because of pissing on underage chicks. He's in
Space Jam. Dude, I believe I can fly. Yeah, that
was a huge song. Crazy, and now he's in jail.
I think they're posting videos of him in jail
singing. All the other dudes are like, hell yeah,
this is awesome. Yeah, I mean, Cosby was doing
sets in jail. He's not set yet. He's appealing
and asking to be set at the Juve Hall. What's
going on, Jimmy? They tried to delay the sentencing
just yesterday, and that got denied. So it's
May 4th, and he faces 10 to life. We should go.
Wait, wait. What's he in trouble for, tricking
bitches? Pretty much. No, he's in a trouble.
There's underage shit. There's a lot of shit.
Oh, yeah. There's many things. There's, like,
imprisonment. I hope he sings defense. He should
sing sex accord. I'd like to represent myself.
Can I say one more thing? What are the charges?
Sex trafficking convictions. Excuse me, convictions.
Sex trafficking. Yeah. Ah, dang it. What's sex
trafficking? That's a tough one. How does sex
trafficking... Oh, he was getting girls. Illegally.
He would... I mean, he would just... Maybe they
must be minors, but I think he was getting girls
from, like, Ohio or wherever and bringing them...
Prohibits the transport of any woman or girl
across state lines for any immoral purpose. Oh,
no. We're all in trouble. Oh, yeah. Right? What's
immoral? Right? Because sodomy is like, oral
sex is illegal in some states. That's true. So
if a girl comes across the state line to visit
you and blow you. That's why I always try to
tell girls. Federal charges of child pornography
and obstruction of justice. Oh, that's separate.
I'm actually with the people that deny this,
dude. Free Kells. He's innocent, dude. Look at
him. Find the video of him singing in jail. Go
to a reddit wait what yeah, he's in jail singing
for the for the fellas. I thought that was a
joke No, I've seen a video of him singing in
jail think that it's fucking good prison stop
our Kelly from singing true He's so good. He's
basically saying, don't rape me, guys. Please.
I'll sing for you. I'll play the hits. Please,
please leave me alone. Whatever you want. Is
there more? My body is telling me yes. He's talking
about gay sex in jail. There is a video going
around. I sent this to a girl last night because
it's like his style. That's going to get the
boys fired up. If I heard that song in there.
Oh, yeah. It gives you hope. Yeah. I'd like to
have sex with that guy. Yeah. You finish that
song and go, now go out there and we're going
to go rape. Yeah. Go get those white guys in
here on DUI. This video is called River Cries
First Night. It's open game. My mind is telling
me no, my body's telling me yes. That was one
of his big hits. Yeah, it was. Wow. My body's
telling me yes. See if there's any other videos
of him in jail. Who's got any more? Who's got
a YouTube? I got the camera. Does it? Caught
singing to a girl on TikTok from jail. Wow. Try
that. It's an hour and 15 minute video. We'll
just scoot you in. That's a lot. Long episode
today. Yeah, play the whole thing. Don't you
think I got enough bullshit on my mind? Real
talk. To ask you something, can you sing a song
for me? Which one? Love Letter. Did you get my
call? Voice of an angel. When your dad goes to
the same prison as R. Kelly. Thank you. That's
adorable. When your dad goes to the same prison
as R. Kelly. That is wild. Man. That is wild.
Kelly hired Bill Cosby's legal counsel? They
did pretty good. That's what it said. Yeah, he's
out. He's out. Yeah, they did a real good job.
No one's talking about the fact that he's out,
right? He's out. I think he's done a show. Is
he out? No. Is he done? I think he's out. Then
what happened? How did he get out? I think they
said... There was a technicality or some shit?
They said the stuff he admitted to was... They
promised him they wouldn't prosecute him if he
confessed. It was something like that. And they
used what he said in that moment. And they're
like, you can't... And they just did it because
they didn't want riots in the streets. Supreme
Court will not review the decision to overturn
Bill Cosby's conviction. Prosecutors had appealed
a ruling by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court, which
had overturned the conviction on due process
grounds. So he's out. Wow. Damn, that's a shame.
Wow. Look at that shirt. Central 256. What is
that? Filled up an area code? So he's out, out.
What is he doing? What is Bill Cosby doing today?
Is that his wife? Go to his YouTube page. I think
that's like his legal team. Oh, damn. That lady's...
Wow. She's ballsy for repping him. That's wild.
He's out, out. It's a weird world. If he got
let off in the beginning, it would have been
fucking murder in the streets. Yeah. Yeah, but
now it's... What do you mean? Everyone lost their
fucking... Oh, look at this. He does have a YouTube
channel, and it's all Cosby Show shit from four
years ago. Oh, he got the rights back. Well,
the show was good. The show was good. Did he
get the rights back to the Cosby Show? How could
he put it up? NBC would take all this down. But
it's like one minute, 51 seconds, two minutes,
40 seconds. You'd think NBC would go, no, you
don't have to watch this. Why does it say Comedy
Central? He did a special with them. He's only
got 16 ,000 subscribers. He did. That's nuts.
I know, right? Guys, look at that. Bill Cosby
has 16 ,000 subscribers on YouTube. It may or
may not be his official channel. Let's make it
his official. Yeah, probably not. Pissing on
my parade, bro. Hey, R. Kelly. He does have a
Twitter account. That's one of his songs. His
account does exist. Dang it. But he had an account
for a long time. Do you think Twitter banned
his account? I was going to say, the R. Kelly
thing, the day he got convicted, his YouTube
account got deleted. Wow. Damn. He works for
Sleepy's now. That's why all his videos aren't
there anymore. So June of 2021 is when he got
out. He got it. Wow. He works for Sleepy's now.
You son of a bitch. All right. Son of a bitch.
Son of a B. Ari, what the hell, dude? You got
a pee? I got a piss, yeah. All right, go ahead.
I have a penis. Good luck. I have a penis. All
right, lock that door behind him. Yeah, get him
out of here. Real talk. Don't you think I got
enough bullshit on my mind? Yeah, it's nice.
It's nice to sing Fight a Girl. Do you think
Weinstein ever gets out? He might die in there.
Weinstein's going to be in there forever, right?
Yeah, he looks bad. He looks like a pug, dude.
Real bad. He can't walk anymore. Yeah, it's bad.
He's fucked up. Yeah, and he got COVID twice
in jail. Damn. When you get COVID in jail, they
just put a fan in your room. That's a different
kind of COVID. Jail COVID. He's probably got
it nice. He's probably hooked up. You think so?
I would imagine. I don't think he has any money
left. I think they've basically taken all of
his money. He had some good movies. Fuck, dude.
Yeah, he had every movie. Here he is. Disgraced
producer Harvey Weinstein caught smuggling milk
duds in jail. Oh, my God. Wow. What a life. Look,
I think obviously what he did was horrific. Let
the dude have some Milk Duds. He's dying, dude.
Give him some duds. You don't get a dud. No duds.
No more duds. No duds. It's over, Harv. You fucked
up. And they took it from him. No more duds,
dude. You fucked up. That might tack on six months
to a sentence. No. There was an innocent misunderstanding,
Weinstein said. It will not happen again. He
said that a couple times. I've been a model inmate
following the rules and regulations, and I'm
sincerely sorry. Wow. Bro, that guy must. How
long is he supposed to be in jail for? Definitely
forever. Ever. I wonder. You know that joke?
You know you're in for a long time when you leave
off the four. Bernie Mac? Yeah. Leave off the
four. Yeah, he goes, how long you in here for?
He's like, ever. Was that from Life, the movie?
That was from I'm Not Scared of You, Motherfuckers.
Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, wow. It's at the end. He's
like, oh, you in here for another motherfucker?
Yeah, yeah. So how many years has he been in
jail for now? Harvey Weinstein? Yeah, two or
three, right? Oh, he was out for a long time.
We had a waitress at the stand who used to work
at Rockwood Music Hall when we did shows there.
Yeah. And she said, he just came in. And they
were like, you got to serve him. And they were
all the waitress was like, we don't want to.
And they're like, his money's green just like
everybody. You got to serve him. And they were
like, this is kind of, but we don't want to.
Weird. Yeah. Remember that comic you got him?
Yeah. She was like, why are we all just pretending
like Harvey Weinstein's not here? Yeah, that
was pretty funny. That was really funny. I would
have been a pussy. I would have been like, it's
really cool Harvey Weinstein's here. No, I would
have said something knowing the camera was on
me. Like, oh, this guy sucks. Well, do you think
he thought that he was going to win the court
case? Why didn't he just flee to Antigua or something?
Right? I think he thought he was going to win.
I think he was too big. His ego. He's like, I
got this. Do you think his lawyers told him?
Yeah. Because he was huge. Where do you go? If
you were that guy and you wanted to bail, you
can't. But he's French. The thing is, Polanski
can live in France. They allow him. You know
where to go? Israel. That's the move? They'll
take any Jew, right of return. What if I'm not
a Jew? Sorry, dude. Oh, they'd take you in. Damn.
Take me in? Not very inclusive. I'll take you
with me. Yeah? You could take me in? Yeah. Can
I be an honorary Jew? Yeah. Jew, really? Circumcised?
Because of your money now, you can. Circumcised?
Yes. That's not what I heard. What? Yeah, yeah.
Do you think that if something happened to you,
you would flee to Israel? I'd flee somewhere.
I'd reinvent myself. I would just go, like, I'd
reinvent myself. Shave my head, go a different
name, and just go to Campo. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh,
nobody would recognize you there. Yeah, you fucking
stash. Go to Campo. Go to some, like, nothing
village somewhere. It wouldn't be Israel. It'd
be like, I'll just live in a place. They'll throw
you right under the bus. The people with cell
phones in the village will be like, look at this.
Ari Javier. Ari Javier. We're going to do it.
Well, you lived in China for a hot minute, didn't
you? Yeah, I lived all over. It's like, yeah,
you just go live in a place where they don't
know anything about America. Yeah, I think it's
tough. to get out, though. Get out. Getting out
of the country. Tell a story about when you were
in China and some guy chased you out of his house
with a baseball bat because you were having relations
with his daughter. Whoa. Kills. Wuhan? Oh my
God, it's China. It's a Chinese man with a baseball
bat. And he's swinging at my hand. He came in
like waving. He was like, China, kill me. The
Chinese love baseball, too. I ran out of there.
I was so frightened. I haven't thought of that
in a while. What happened? Tell me what happened.
I was hooking up with some chick in some show
outside. Any language barrier? Asian? A major
language barrier. Did she speak English at all?
Language of love. Well, Jewish men love to eat
Chinese. It wasn't Christmas. So was she saying
anything in English to you, or was it just implied?
Did you get her age and have to be Google Translate?
We did Google Translate a little bit. That works.
Yeah, to make up the barrier. She spoke a little
bit, and then we were there hooking up. How old
was she? About 12 or 13 at least. So she came
to your show? Yeah. It was at a bar, and she
spoke some English. Was she laughing at your
act? I don't know. It was just afterwards. We
were talking at the bar afterwards. Wow. That's
how you know when it comes to just a lady. She
didn't even know if your jokes were funny. She
just saw you with a light on you and a microphone,
and she was like, wow, cool. I assume it was
doing well. Yeah. I think it was the show that
was right over the border from Hong Kong. remember
exactly which one it was. I assume you were bombing.
That's nasty, dude. So how did it go? What happened?
He started screaming and holding a fucking baseball
bat. Don't lie. All right, good. So you go back
to the house. I was frightened up. Give me the
whole story. We go back to the house. She's like,
shh. I'm like, it's not my first rodeo. It's
like, of course. You go in there. We start making
out. And the door just, I mean, we're taking
our clothes off. You know, sex. Chopsticks? And
then the door just busts open. I hadn't, like,
penetrated yet. Get your dick out? But they were
screaming, dude. How loud was it? Yeah, I had
my dick out. Chinese dude with a bat? That must
have been the loudest fucking thing on earth.
It was frightening. It looked like Empire of
the Sun. It was just like... Did you ever put
your pants back on? Yeah. So I had to, like,
navigate this guy being angry and holding a weapon,
and I'm trying to, like, close up. Whoa. Yeah.
Matsui. And get around the door. Unlike Louie,
this guy did block the door. So how'd you get
out? He kind of, like, he wanted me out of there.
So he just kind of like screamed. And then as
I was running out, I could hear him screaming
at the daughter. Damn. You're like Moffat over
there. You're probably towering over them. Did
you have any more shows in that city? No. That
was it. We went home the next day. Damn. Were
you walking through the airport nervous? No,
because he was back over the border into Hong
Kong. Oh, okay. That was staying. Was she yelling
at the dad like, no, no, no? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was like screaming at him. I'm like, this
is not my situation. My boner did not remain.
How old was the dad? Might have been a boyfriend
or husband. He was old, like my age. Oh, okay.
There we go, Ari. There you go. Hey, hey. Hey,
you got some juice left? Yeah, that suit's bringing
you back. God, what a weird fucking time. God,
it was fucking weird. But how fun is that shit?
You did the China run? Yeah. What a great fucking
cool run it was. It was fun. I saw the wall.
Beijing was awesome. How many shows you did?
We did a show at night for two weeks. Wow. Yeah,
17 days for me. Shanghai. Did you do the zip
car down the wall? Yes, I did. It's so cool.
It's a sign in there going, this is not regulated.
Use your own risk. And you just have to fucking
go or stop. It's janky. It's janky. It's so fun.
But it was fun. How many, who'd you go with?
How many comics? It was just me. Just you? Yeah.
And the opening act? Did you have an opening
act? No, it was like showcases. Did you go with
Turner? Turner and Andy Curtain? Andy was there.
Andy. He put the whole thing on. He's head of
Live Nation Asia now. Is that right? Good for
him. So how does it work? You say showcases.
There's a club in Shanghai. So you just do the
club every night. Oh, it's gone? They shut it
down. Ah, shit. That was a good room. Why'd they
shut it down? They're like, thank you. We learned
about your fucking income -making possibilities.
You're good to go. What do you mean? They let
Americans and Westerners come in to teach them
how to make money, and then eventually they're
like, we're pretty much closing our borders.
Thank you. We got enough we can get from you.
You're out. So they let them in so that they
figure out how to make money off stand -up? Off
all these sorts of things. And then we learned
enough, and it's like, hey, this free speech,
get out. They were very strict. I don't know
if they were with you. Like, do not make fun
of the Chinese government. We know you think
it'll be funny. It won't be. Not here. Don't
do it. But I had no jokes on that anyway. So
I was just like, whatever. I don't know anything
about your government. I wasn't even planning
on it. But one of them was a bar show. One was
in a bookstore. But they were all great. Beijing
was a bookstore. Yes. That's where I met Des.
That was the best show of the trip. It was great.
Yeah. And they gave us duck after. It was awesome.
And you say you're doing it as a showcase. So
how many comics were on the show with you? It
was like... Three, four comics than me, and I'd
probably do like 20 or 30. A lot of locals. That's
how they got the comedy scene. There's like,
hey, is an out -of -towner here? Come in. And
they're like, by the way, guys, we have an open
mic every week if you want to come back. And
people are like, all right. All these expats.
I'm like, I'll come back. I did so much blow
in Beijing. Really? What? Oh, my God. Did you?
Oh, yeah. That's a risky move. Nah, they don't
give a shit. Any drug that white people do, they're
like, we don't care. Opium, they'll kill you.
What? Coke, they're like, fucking kill yourselves.
We don't care. They don't care if you do coke?
They don't care about weed. They don't know what
the smell is. Coke, it's a white drug. It's not
a yellow drug, so they just don't care. What?
Yeah. Really? So they have no regulations on
Coke? You can't import it. There was a Bayesian
comic who got caught with Coke. They stamped
her passport, never allowed to return, sent her
on her way. Damn. She steamed it out and went
back. Oh, what a badass. Wow. Who is that? Gangster.
Miss Pat? Good for her. So were any of the guys
that you were working with funny? No. They're
brand new. Yeah, they were new. They were young.
Very supportive. It was like a belly room. It
was very supportive. And I think comedy stand
-up is kind of new there. Yeah, stand -up's new.
Yeah, so you could go in there and you were a
god. You're murdering. You had set up punch,
set up punch. And they were just like, oh, this
is weird. You know, it was a lot of that stuff.
You were like a black dude playing rock and roll.
Yes, exactly. Was it a lot of Americans? There
was some Australian, some European, a couple
American, and some Chinese. So was it a lot of
people that are there for jobs or something like
that? Yeah, five -year, three -year contracts
for banks or schools or whatever. I noticed a
lot of ugly white guys moved to China to get
laid. Oh, yeah. Because you stand out. You're
like a black guy. Your dick's bigger. You're
cooler. You're more athletic. There was a guy
who, a comic there who pickpocketed somebody
and a black guy. And they were like, they just
made a lineup of like the eight black people
in Beijing. And the lady's like, yeah, it's that
one. He just got out of jail. Just got out of
jail and he's a comic? Yeah. And he went to China
to rob people? I don't know if that's why he
was there. Can you imagine getting arrested for
robbery in China? That's terrifying. Did they
lock him up? They locked him up. They said he
came out changed. Oh. Yeah, that was changing.
Yeah, they probably stripped layers out of his
asshole. Yikes. The inside of it is very different.
My body is telling me yes. Imagine what they
did to him in jail, man. In jail. That's what
I forgot about that chick with her fucking dad.
I didn't forget. You told me that story. I was
terrified. Yeah, it's a real fucked up thing.
It's just adventure out there. It's a fun trip.
It's a fun trip. Callan told me he went to a
restaurant and there was a hole in the floor
where you go to take a shit. That's true. And
underneath it was pigs. Whoa. Eating the shit.
That I didn't see. There was a restaurant where
pigs were under the shit. They were eating human
shit. And then you go, yeah, and then you order
a fucking. And then you eat the pig that ate
the shit. Yikes. Full circle. Yeah, I can't believe
COVID came out of there. There's the other thing
that Ari told me about that I couldn't believe
was true, but was sewer oil. They would make
cooking oil out of sewage. They would boil raw
sewage down and find the oil and strip it out
and then resell it to these restaurants. They'd
render it down and then they'd make it. I'm never
going there. They said something like two -thirds
of the street noodles are made with sewage oil.
It was crazy. I remember walking down an alley
and there was a guy doing dental work in a chair.
I was like. Wow, what's that? That's a dentist's
office. And then next to it was a guy getting
his hair cut on the street. I was like, this
is China. It's wild. I don't know if you guys
get it. Yeah. You got to have walls around these
things. Yeah, maybe some Purell, a glove. In
a lot of ways, it's way more free. You can buy
a beer at 3 a .m. and just drink it in the street,
but you can't get on Google. Interesting. Yeah.
Yeah, you can't watch videos at Tiananmen Square.
There's no sign even there. Really? You're like,
where was it? You just walk through it. Yeah.
There's no notification of a historical significance.
Because of what happened. Yeah. That's how they
roll. You can only do TikTok for three hours
there. They have all these weird rules. This
is the dentist on the street. There it is. There's
Mark in the back. Yeah. Hey. That guy opened
for me. Dentist. Keep your tooth. Teeth. See,
look at that. That guy's just done. He's good
to go. That guy got a good mustache. No lollipop.
Yeah, this doesn't look great. But it's cool
to see. It is cool to see. And then you're just
building material. I'm walking through. I'm writing
an hour of jokes here. It's so foreign. A billion
people. Damn. So did you eat any of that food
that was made with sewage oil? I think I did.
He must have. I probably did. The food wasn't
great because, you know, Chinese food in America
is all sweetened up and salted up. Out there,
it's a little bland. Really? Yeah, it wasn't
as good. They don't take the bones out, too.
They just cleaver the whole thing into bite -sized
pieces, but bones are in the middle of it. So
they'll make you take your own bones out. Yeah,
and you're like, what the fuck? Wow. Yeah. Good
times. It was a really cool, interesting experience.
That really got me going on, like, travel. That's
the most foreign place. It's weird watching how
they navigate through groups of people, how they
just kind of bump into each other. Yeah. That's
personal space. There's no bubble in China. No.
Even the subway, they just push you in, and they're
just like, ugh, in the subway. It's crazy. When
I was on a plane, we were going from Taiwan to,
I forget, I think we were on the way to Thailand.
You went to Taiwan? Yeah, and there was a lot
of Chinese people on the plane. My daughter was
waiting in line for the bathroom and this Chinese
lady walks past her like she wasn't even a thing
Like bumped her like she was a curtain damn my
wife got all pissed off and I go she's not being
rude It's crazy. There's no there's no expectation
of personal space. It's just my daughter was
like, you know fucking nine. She was like Yeah
And it was like one of those things like this
is just how they do it. Be cool. Be cool. Don't
freak out. She's not even being rude. She's bumping
into you because they bump into – she would bump
into me that way too. She'd bump into anybody.
On the plane from China or in China, there's
always like somebody with their carry -on with
just a box of a turkey, like a dead turkey. It's
always like leaking and shit into the fucking
cardboard box. Wow. Duct taped and shit. You
can get one where you're going. I flew coach
to China. It was the hardest thing I've ever
done. It was like my Vietnam. It was brutal.
Edibles. 21? It was a long flight. Coach. I did
coach too. It was a nightmare. It was the same
size coach seats as America. Same shit. And the
TV was in Chinese. I was like, fuck. So I couldn't
even watch TV really. And I remember a guy's
foot came between the seats. That's just how
they do it there. Yeah, you can't tell them no.
Yeah. The cool thing, I had heavy edibles the
whole way. But then when you landed, you have
to go to the bathroom and dump whatever. What
if you get arrested? On the plane in America.
You dump them in the airport, in the airplane
before you go in. And then you're just high when
you go in. I took everything I had left, took
those, and then got off the plane. But that's
it. When you land in China, you're like, oh,
I'm fucked. It's all, you know, character, Chinese
characters. It's tough. Isn't there an app where
you can hold your phone up and it'll translate?
Yep. Probably now. I didn't have that. Yeah,
there is. I just had to wing it. It's hard. You
just point. You're like, I learned the word for
beef, and I was like, I think, I think ryu or
something like that. I was like, ryu? And they're
like, they just pointed to a sign like, there's
10 different beef. What do you want? I'm like,
I don't know. Three? You just got to go with
it. Wow. Whatever it is, it is. Did you try to
learn any of the language? A little bit. I always
try to learn please, thank you, one through ten,
bathroom. What's ni hao? Ni hao? Is that bye?
Hello? Is that Chinese? Yeah, Kailan. Ni hao,
Kailan. You ever see that show? Uh -uh. It's
a kid's show. Ni hao. It was like a Chinese cartoon.
Oh. You ever see it? No, I don't have kids. Kailan.
Find him. Find him. Ni hao. Ni hao. Yeah, it's
a show where it's like this lady and... Drink,
dude. You guys are all sober as a bird. I finished
all that whiskey. Here it is. That's nothing.
That was a fucking cup of whiskey. Ni hao. So
she has a pet panda bear. She's cute. She's got
a pet... Tiger. Tiger and that little monkey.
What does ni hao mean, J -Mo? Okay, I think it
does, too. Does it mean hello? Yep. But I'll
tell you, you realize how much you rely on that
phone, that GPS, that Uber. The GPS, you can
get any public transportation. You can get on
there in China. I know, but it's still like,
you know, you look up, you're like, I don't know
what the hell these numbers mean or what that
means. And you've got to really, like, use your
brain again. It's fun just getting lost there,
though. I love getting lost. I love to just travel
and live and laugh. Shut up. And love. Wake up
without a kidney. Yeah. Tub of ice. I was watching
this documentary where they were talking about
what they do to harvest organs from prisoners.
What's going on? Lighter? You need a lighter
for you? Yeah. They suspect that they harvest
the organs from prisoners and from people who
fucked up. So if you get an organ, you get a
kidney. It's probably from some child molester
or something. Murderer. Or some guy who fucked
up. China forcefully harvests organs from detainees.
Tribunal concludes. Look at this. China's organ
transplant trade is worth $1 billion a year,
and they forcefully harvest the organs from prisoners.
That is wild. Yikes. Can you imagine? You go
to jail for shoplifting. They're like, well,
we get your finger. They take your kidney. Yeah.
They take a chunk out of your liver. Well, the
liver is very resilient. Allegedly. And then
the kidney, you've got two of those, right? Burt
Kreischer's alive. That's true. Yeah, none of
it makes sense. Norm is dead. Burt's alive. Artie
Lange's alive. Artie Lange's alive with no nose.
Stan Hope. That's not a good symbol there. The
fake swastikas, the reverse swastikas. Falun
Gong, which means the wheel practice in Chinese,
a set of meditation exercises and texts that
preach the virtues of truth, benevolence, and
forbearance. So those people, so that's, it's
like a religious sect. And those people, they
were, oh, the Chinese government banned Falun
Gong. Oh, they're in Deer Park, New York. We
got to go over there. And so those people, they
were harvesting their organs. Whoops. That's
wild. Yeah, all that, what's that? thing where
they show the bodies and set out bodies yeah
oh yeah nobody gave permission for you guys to
use this for a traveling not just that like they
even say like that those bodies they like when
google like where do the bodies come from we've
done this before they're all of them like unclaimed
chinese bodies What do you want? What? Ash. It's
good. I forget how good this is. It's a great
beer. Get the Texas logo right on there. Everything's
Texas. That's fun. Texas supports Texas. Texas
fucking loves Texas. Don't bring your California
into my Texas. I love it here. Second best flag
in the union. I mean, I get it. If I was from
Texas, I mean, Texas is what America is to the
rest of the world. Yeah. Yeah, we're the fucking
best. And everybody else is like. Yeah, you guys
are cool. Fuck you guys. Shut up about it. But
they all wind up moving here when shit goes sideways.
And you got all these great festivals here. They
all come in for that. A lot of festivals. A lot
of comedy here, man. A lot of comedy. There's
so many comedy clubs now. The scene here is hot.
I keep hearing about sunset strip comedy club.
What the hell is that? There's the Romo Room.
There's the Creek in the Cave. Have you done
all these yet? No. No, I've done the Creek in
the Cave. I've done Vulcan and Stubbs. I did
Stubbs a bunch of times with Chappelle. It'd
only be stupid to open another one. Yeah, only
a moron would do that. What's the date? You got
a date yet? Sometime this summer. We're in construction
right now. Hey, hey. I'll show you afterwards.
It's a badass room. No, we all went. Oh, you
were there? Yeah. Sorry. It's going to be awesome.
Without that suit, I forgot. We should see it
now because it's demoed. All the seats are gone.
Oh, shit. We've got all the walls are prepped.
It's pretty exciting. Ice left or is that water?
What do you got there? That's water. Just take
a shot, dude. I like to milk shit. Just take
a shot. Don't be scared. You need ice cubes?
Just dig in with your hands. We don't care. Oh,
here, here, here. Oh, yeah, there's a ton of
those. What do you got? Hit me, baby. There you
go. Thank you. All right. Good sound. All right.
That is a nice sound. Ooh, what is that, ADR?
Is that what that is, where they add sound in
later? We could do these live. What? Protect
our parks. Yeah. You don't do live anymore? No.
Oh, you mean in front of a crowd? In front of
a crowd. Oh, that would be fun. That would be
fun. We need a better name. We got to solidify
our name. I like Bushmeat Boys. Protect Our Parks
is perfect. It's terrible. Our boys. P -O -P.
Protect Our Parks is perfect. Protect Our Parks
is good. Because it's terrible. Bushmeat Boys.
That's what people have been saying. Bushmeat
Boys. Who's the people? The people you talk to?
You know. My text message thread says Protect
Our Parks. Yeah, mine too. Ari, it's time for
us to start protecting parks. Well, we got to
find a new park to protect. We should have another
wasted opportunity every week. How much work
did you put in to try to save that park? I went
on a couple marches. Did you really? No. You
went on marches? Yeah. To protect a park. Marches
don't really work, right? They don't. Went to
Carolyn Rivera's house and fucking put some fucking
garbage in her stoop. What? Carolina Rivera.
Yeah, congressman. She's on the take. You did
that to a woman of color? Yeah. Uh -oh. A lot
of them are on the take. You threw trash on a
woman of color. How many Congress people do you
think are legit not on a take? A small percentage.
Really? I talked to a UFC fighter once a long
time ago. So, grain of salt. I'm not going to
say the name, so it's grain of salt. Was it right
after a fight when he was just making stuff up?
Yeah, he's a credible source. He goes, how many
UFC fighters are on steroids? And he was like,
fuck, all of them. I mean, so few or not. It's
just different levels of whatever steroids. That
was back in the day. Yeah, back in the day. Before
USADA. That's true. That was true. For a while,
there was a lot of them that are on PDs. It's
either some or too much, but they're all on something.
Something. At the time, a lot of them were. There
was guys like BJ Penn that were straight, natural.
Yeah, Clay Guida. I would, dude. You know how
nervous you'd be before a fight? And someone's
like, hey, this will help you. And you've got
to keep up with the competition. That was the
problem. It's like the Tour de France. When everyone
is doing steroids, you do steroids. You can't
not do it. BJ Penn, the Hawaiian dudes are fucking
tough. Oh, yeah, man. They scrap over there,
and there's nowhere to go. You're on an island.
Scrap. That's what they call it. There's nowhere
to go. Were you at that Maui Fest? Yeah. Yeah,
that Maui Fest. I saw a fist fight, and it was
like a white American guy and a Hawaiian guy,
like a local Hawaiian guy. It was the toughest
fight I've ever seen. What a mistake. Unreal.
But the white guy was hanging in there. I think
he knew some moves. Yeah, some MMA shit. But
that Hawaiian guy was just like a local dude.
And he would not go down. The guy was just wailing
on him, and he wouldn't stop. And the cops had
to come. He's like, my dad beat me worse than
this. Yeah, exactly. It was wild. When you live
on an island and you talk shit, you can't go
anywhere. You can't leave. You can't get out.
You gotta hang out. Unless you got on a fucking
plane and fly five hours across the ocean. It's
a long flight to get out of there. Remember that
big rock we would climb and jump off? It was
super high, and it was scary as shit. And it
took me all day to work it up. Oh, God. You jumped?
You did a jump? I eventually jumped, but then
these local guys would do, like, eight triple
Lindys off, and I was like, ah, shit. And the
guy was, like, four years old. It was brutal.
I would just snorkel and watch them under the
water and, like, come down through the water.
It was so cool. Yeah, they, like, pick up fish
with their hand. They were tough as shit. Dude,
that's how I felt when we were skiing. I'd be
up there. You were killing it, dude. You were
nervous. And then I'd go out and see a group
of four -year -olds. You were new. With no poles,
just like Christmas stories. Yeah, and then there'd
be an instructor with the hills I was on, there
were always kids in classes. Yeah. And I'd be
like, oh, fuck, fuck, like trying so hard. Oh,
yeah. And then I'd be like, I'd fall and lay
there, and then a group of like six, eight -year
-olds would go by. Right. I was trying to take
a video of Shane. He's like, no. Yeah, definitely
don't. Definitely don't. This needs to go nowhere.
I'm like, all right. Some tall, standing straight
up. Ari, you've broken a couple things and you
still ski. Oh, yeah. Wrist? Yeah. He's crazy.
I shattered my wrist last time I was there with
you two times ago. You're not trying to raise
Bert. No, I'm not trying to raise Bert, but I
will go for it. He's not that good, but he'll
be like, yeah, let's do a black diamond in the
Rockies. Yeah. I'll try jumps. I don't know how
to do it. And he skis in that suit. Pretty much.
So you just don't worry about getting hurt? You
can't, man. You got to have some fun. You can't
be living like that. Well, that's how I lived,
and I had a good time, dude. I didn't break anything
this time. Do a couple little bunny hills, then
go get fucked up at the lodge. It was great.
Yeah, that sounds better. It was great. When
I shattered my wrist when I was there with Norman,
me and Brian O 'Neal were like, let's see who
can get the higher speed, and I was just straight
lining, out of control. Yo, how fast are you
guys going? This is preposterous. The surgeon
told me I had to be going at least 80. Wow! The
surgeon? Yeah, reconstructed my wrist. Wait,
you couldn't have been going 80 miles an hour,
right? Yeah, that's pretty fast, man. Dude, I
was killing it. It was bombing. Dude, when I
hit that snowboarder, I flew so far before I
hit the ground. I don't know if I believe 80
is possible on skis. Let's guess. I bet it is.
It was probably like 40. No, no, no. A speed
skier? But we were going straight downhill as
hard as I could. Yeah, if you're going straight
on a... What's the fastest speed anybody's ever
achieved on skis? Let's guess that. 130. Really?
I'm guessing. Sonny Bono. I don't know. True.
One of the Kennedys, too. Remember? Oh, yeah.
I love going through the woods. So let's guess.
What do you think? What's the speed? I'm going
to go 90. 90 sounds good. I think they're in
the hundreds. Those dudes going straight down.
The fastest guys. The tuck. It's like the long
drivers in golf where they're hitting 430, and
you're like, what? That's not possible. All right.
I'm going to go with 100. Jamie, what's the fastest?
Here we go. 120. $1. Come on now, dude. Average.
It says they get up to 80, but they can go up
to 100. See how it went. That's the record. That's
what I'm checking. It's still wild, dude. That's
like a slap shot. 100 is so fast. That's how
fast you go. 100 is so fast. That is a pitch.
And you're not in the shell of a car. You're
just like open when you fall. Yeah. It is snow,
bud. How do you stop at 100? Slam into a snowboarder.
Dude, so my wrist was like really hurt. And Ryan
was like, you're fine. Shut up. And then I tried
to put, later at night, I tried to put the key
in the door of the place we were staying at.
And I was like, ow. And just switch hands. And
he goes. You would, dude. You'd be trying to
be like, I'm trying to unlock the door. Ow. What
did they have to do to your wrist? Get in there
and complete real surgery. I don't know. Screws
and shit? Bolts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Is it
okay now? Mm -hmm. Is this you? No. No. You got
to hand it to Ari, though. You hung out the rest
of the trip. 254. Holy. It said they got up to
160, 158. That's 160. This is not a race. They're
literally just going straight downhill. Wow.
That's got to feel so fast. I have a scooter,
and going 30, you feel like you're in light speed.
And that's 30. Look at this fucking guy go. And
how long does it take you to stop? It's like,
damn. By the way, there's no other skiers on
the slope there, so you don't have anyone to
avoid. Right. He stopped pretty quick. That was
like me, dude. I think it's a girl. Oh. Wow.
I take it all back. She's a nice Italian lady,
dude. Well, that makes sense if a girl would
be lighter, should go faster. Does that make
sense? Someone's crashing. Ivan. Oh, he crashes?
Oh, here we go. Yes. This should be something.
This is going to be nuts. He's just going straight.
Does he just suck? He's pumping, too. He's going
for it. Like, why does he fall? Because his legs
are so far apart. Oh! That wasn't too bad. The
helmet's gone. The helmet came off. You're not
doing your job. It's like a Darth Vader. Yeah,
why do they have Star Wars helmets? Look at those
wacky boots they have on, too. Look at that slick,
slick outfit. She's done. She's fucked. Oh, that's
a lady. She's hurting bad. That's a woman. That's
Ivan. I think it's a guy. That's a dude. That's
a girl. That's a girl, bro. Look at her ass.
No. It's a dude trying to take over the girls
downslope record. What is it? 158 .424. Wow.
You ever ski? Yeah. Last time I cracked my fucking
bone on my shin. Some lady. I remember you told
me you were like, I'm done. I'm out. I was going
around this corner and this lady was a beginner
and she was out of control. And she was like
kind of sliding and she couldn't stop. And she
was just going right into the path. And I'm going
around the corner and I had a. I had to wipe
out. You can't stop. Shane was that lady. I had
two options. I was very cognizant of that. I
tried my hardest not to be that. Slam into this
lady or I could just go around and I know I was
going to wipe out. I wiped out and I hit the
back of my head hard. I got a concussion and
I cracked my shin. God damn. Yeah, the top of
my shin where the cartilage meets the shin bone,
cracked. I knew something was wrong because I
was walking, but I was like, this feels weird.
Were you high or drunk? No, totally sober. There
was one point I was going around that little
curvy part on the bunny hills. You remember that
part? Oh, yeah. I was going around that. Some
10 -year -old kid did a ramp. It landed right
in front of me. I was like, Jesus Christ. Dude,
I was such an old man. It's like a kid jumped
out. I was like, God fucking damn it. And the
kid was, I'm sorry, sir. He just flew right by
me. I'm just too aware of the consequences of
getting a broken joint. The kids are better than
that because they're not aware of this. I've
had too many surgeries. I've had three. Yeah,
that's what I was saying the whole time. I was
like, dude, I can't blow out a knee. Yeah, I've
had two. But you still had fun. Two ACLs. That
shit rules. Meniscus. Look at you guys. Look
at the gang, dude. That was the beginning of
your mustache. That's how long this thing's been
going. It looks better without the bottom. The
bottom's there, dude. That's a full bridge. But
it's not curly. Ranazizi's like, what am I doing
here? Ranazizi's rethinking this trip. That was
a fun time. He's wearing jeans, too. You guys
are all wearing jeans. Ian looks like he's wearing
fake nose and glasses. We're at the lodge we
stayed in. So where were you guys at? We were
in Park City. Ah, Park City's nice. And we stayed
outside Park City. I'm trying to plan a full...
comedy ski festival for next year with JFL maybe.
Talk to Burt. Let him plan it. Burt will plan
things. Good luck with the black. Burt's got
a whole fucking thing going on now. He's got
a whole festival. The minor league baseball stadiums?
No. They're fully loaded. Yeah, he's got a festival.
Big J's doing it. You doing it? No. It's fucking
great. He showed me the lineup. I'm like, this
is fantastic. He's got Joey Diaz coming back
to do it. Atel. Yeah, Atel. Wow. I mean, he showed
me the lineup. He showed me the thing. I'm like,
this is amazing. It's like Burt constantly comes
up with new ideas. Yeah. He's a mogul. He's constantly
coming up with new ways to make money. Yeah,
it's going to be big. He's doing the Greek. He's
doing baseball stadiums, doing arenas, and he's
doing these crazy markets that you forget about.
Yeah, none of us play Greenville, South Carolina.
No, or Mississippi or Tennessee. We did a rodeo
in fucking Abilene. Yeah, there you go. A rodeo.
There's no service in the whole fucking place.
Who thinks of that? That was the first show I
did with him. I didn't know his crowd at all.
Oh, they're wild. So I got up there and said
some... inappropriate things. They're a little
more like, I'm a dad! Yeah, they're a little
more... It's a family fun party, but it's still
like... It overlaps, but... Why don't you take
it easy on the, like, your sister's doing heroin
jokes? Like, stuff like that. You'd think that'd
be relatable. They're a little more... You ever
play for Nate's crowd? No. Because you're like,
yeah, we know Nate as someone who does great
on our shows, but his crowd is... clean. Oh,
yeah. Oh, yeah. And so it's like, I mean, even
when you try to clean it up, you're like a Brian
Regan type crowd. Yes. More Christian. Really?
Christian. His crowd. Yeah, they're Christian.
That's true. It's a lot of Christians. He doesn't
cater to them. He's not like, oh, Lordy, what
offer? He doesn't do any of that, you know? What
the fuck? What the fuck? What was that? Lord
have mercy. Praise be. Oh, Lordy. When I was
at Starbucks, the motherfuckers gave me milk.
Oh, Lordy, you know I need it. I said, I ain't
got milk in public in my goddamn life. Praise
Jesus. It was the hardest two hours of my life.
Why did you come up with, oh, Lordy? The first
show I just met His whole group of dudes. And
you said the troops were pushing? Yeah, and they
were like, we toss a coin or whatever on who
goes first. I had to open the show. Oh, you toss
a coin for that? Yeah, it was just like, yeah,
we'll flip it. We'll see who goes every time.
Yeah. If you toss the coin around me, I'd get
it. Yeah. Oh, you'd scramble on the ground. Take
that coin. Mine. Way to play into it. Do you
pick up nickels? Oh, yeah. Do you pick up pennies?
Not if anyone's looking. Nickel, please. No way.
Nickels is enough, huh? If people are looking,
I won't. If people... Yeah. If my friends are
there, I'll do it. There's no chance. That I
leave a penny? For real? Is that true? That's
not true. I'm not picking it up. I throw pennies
away. Whoa. I don't know if that's true. If I
see them, I'll chuck them. I don't know if that's
true. That's how well I'm doing. I throw pennies
out. That's amazing. Easy. Congratulations. Thank
you. But yeah, fullyloadedfest .com. It's going
to be huge. What is that? How many shows are
you doing? That's Bert's thing. I'm doing a couple.
I'm doing the Greek. I'm pretty excited. I'll
send you this, Jamie. Yeah, post that. It's going
to be nuts. Greek will be really cool. It's an
iconic place. Bert is playing Red Rock specifically.
You guys are both doing Red Rock. That is what
an iconic place. I'll see you there. It's lovely
to love you. I believe I am. There he is. Did
he take his shirt off? That's his promo thing?
South Bend, Indiana, dude. Please let me get
on that. Can't take the Florida out of Florida.
Oh, that was a good one. God damn, dude. I was
at that show. Oh, I thought that was Red Rocks.
Where the first one was. That's Tommy. Hey. That
was in English. He's a Morgan Freeman impersonator.
So does that guy sue? That's what I'm talking
about. Does Morgan Freeman sue? Nah. Maybe he
should. This summer. All right. All right. We
got it. Then I sent you an image, Jamie, that'll
show all the tour dates, the things he's got.
Nice. Dude, how about the pop when he takes his
shirt off? It's wild. Like Elvis. You know how
people, comedians will be like, oh, what's he
take his shirt off? There it is. Fully alerted.
Look at his fucking shirt's off in the. poster.
Yeah, and he was generous. Fully loaded comedy
festival featuring Bert Kreischer, David Tell,
Fortune Femster, Nikki Glaser, Mark Norman, Big
Jay Oakerson, Taylor Tomlinson, and Sal Volcano.
What are the numbers? Yeah, what are the numbers?
Next to some of the names. Tell what they're
doing. Four? There's one. There's eight shows,
and they have different numbers next to them.
Oh, I see. But that's a terrible graphic. Who
made that graphic? That's so confusing. Idiot.
I can't even see it, and it's huge. Look at this.
Louisville, Kentucky. What else you got here?
Who's reading those numbers? Brandon, Missouri.
Yeah, he's going all the shit holes. Lawrenceville,
Georgia. Bristol, Tennessee. I mean, this is
going to be nutty. Fine folks, I'm sure. Yeah.
Good people. That's going to be fun, dude. They'll
probably appreciate the fuck out of the show.
It's minor league baseball season. It's cool.
That's going to be wild, dude. I bet it is. You
know what's nice about the minor league baseball
stadiums? Yeah, fuck the corporations. He's doing
it on his own. The gear you'll get, you'll get
the fucking South Bend twisters. And they have
cool t -shirts. All that shit. The Staten Island
Bagels was a good one for a while. How many seats
do you think he's doing in these places? A minor
league baseball stadium? Probably like 7 ,000.
No, it's probably like... Is he filling it up?
If you do a good minor league baseball stadium,
it's probably like $15 ,000. But you can do the
seats, too. You put folding chairs on the ground.
He said he has $400 ,000 to sell. That's what
he said. How much? $400 ,000. Divided by what?
Eight? Nine. Divided by nine. Wow. So that's
the total. I'm not even close to that, Matt.
That's incredible. That's incredible. Good for
him. I'm so happy he's doing this. He's that
guy. He just figures out. As soon as COVID happened,
he was like, can't form a door. He's the one
who got the drive in movie theaters. And people
shit on him and it worked out. And then his agent
gave it to fucking everybody else. When I was
on my podcast and Eliza claimed that she invented
it on the podcast. He's like, no, you were given
it by Burt's manager. Is that what happened?
Yeah. He was like, why are you telling all the
other clients to do my shit? I gotta stop hating.
I saw Sebastian at the Garden last week. It was
unbelievable. You need to stop hating. Well,
I was always hating. Like, who's this guy? Where
is he coming from? What's his thing? It's the
same thing I was saying. Like, with Burt, when
he takes his shirt off, as comedians, you're
like, oh, please. And then you see it live. So
he gets intro'd. Hardest pop I've ever heard.
And then he takes his shirt off. after the intro
and it's the second it's the first hardest pop
i've ever heard right and it dude i'm sitting
up there like what the fuck like play dude dudes
are people are in the audience like ah it's an
event he's the jimmy it's so funny yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah no one's sober right No.
No. Why would they be sober for that? No. It's
fun. That's the whole thing. It's like you get
fucked up, you talk about, and he's, yeah. The
machine! They're going nuts. He has to say that.
And then he hits the machine. He's not still
doing it, is he? Oh, yeah. Oh, he has to. Dude,
it's the encore. It's in the contract. They want
to see it. It's a song. At the end, he hits the
fucking beginning of it where he's like, so I
studied Russian in college. Yeah. And he leads
like a subtle like, yeah, I studied Russian in
college. And the whole place is like, here it
comes. That all came out of him telling that
story on the podcast. On the podcast, yeah. Is
that right? Yeah. It's so weird. Whoa. The assumption
like, oh, they've seen it already. I can't do
it again. He did that story on the podcast and
I told him, dude, you got to do that on stage.
He's like, really? I go, 100%. I go, it's a hilarious
story. You got to do that story on stage. So
he starts telling it on stage. Murders. Now he
can't get away from it. It's like 10 years ago.
It's still murders. Oh, yeah. It's still murders.
It's a classic. It's a free bird. It's a free
bird. Yeah, it's a free bird. It really is. What
a good way. Dude, I wish you had a story like
where you could be like. Yeah, but like an encore
type thing where at the end of a show you're
doing a fucking arena and you're like. All right,
hey, it's such an easy walk -off kill. I shifted
on this idea when me and Diaz were doing a gig
in St. Louis together a long time ago, and I
was out in the crowd while he was on, behind
people, like outside, and he started in some
story, and I forget what it was, but they were
like, oh, he's doing the so -and -so story. They
weren't like, I've seen this. They were like,
oh, this is awesome. He's doing the story, I
know. Yeah, like when Dice used to do the nursery
rhymes. They knew the nursery rhymes, but they
still got pumped. Dude, they chanted. He sang
along with him. Oh, dude. He's doing it at the
gardens. I opened for him at Rock on the Range.
Does? Yeah. And he was fucking with me. I go
up to him. I'm opening. So I was like, hey, how
much time do you want me to do? He goes, you
want a photo? And I go, no, no. Just let me know
how much time and I'll get out of your hair.
He goes, come here. Give me your phone. And he
takes a photo. And at the time, I was like, is
this guy out of it? But he was obviously, you
know. He's always having fun. Dicking me around.
Yeah. And then. Good Charlotte or one of these
fucked up bands was headlining the fest. And
they saw him in the wings and they go, get out
here. And he did the nursery and the whole arena.
20 ,000 people did it with him in unison. Columbus.
I got chills. Holy shit. It was incredible. Wow.
Yeah, it's funny. Hickory dickory dock. That's
like Stone Cold music. Exactly. When you see
something you remember when you were a kid, it's
over. I went to see David Byrne on Broadway.
I'm sorry to cut you off. Yeah, go ahead. And
it was when he did like the, how did we get here?
I just start fucking crying. This happened to
me this past weekend. So my buddy was pumped.
LaMare was fired. He was like, it's fucking WrestleMania
weekend. We were getting fucked up. And I was
like, shut up about WrestleMania. You're a fucking
old virgin. And then he was getting pumped about
it. We started watching YouTube videos of WrestleMania.
Instantly, I was like, oh, shit, I remember that.
Because I watched it as a kid. Nostalgia strong.
Battle Royal with Mr. T. Bro, then I watched
WrestleMania this weekend. You went to it or
just watched it? No, I just watched it. It was
on Peacock. I watched it. Stone Cold came out
at the end. I almost cried. Yeah. I was sitting
with my girlfriend. And the music went off and
I was literally like, it's in there, dude. I
felt like I was in fifth grade. It takes you
back. Trying to stay awake to watch Monday Night
Raw. Totally. Did your girl mock you? No. She
was like, wrestling's fun to watch. She was happy
he got in touch with his emotions. She's a keeper.
He stunners McAfee. Is that the fucking punter?
That's Pat McAfee, dude. Pat McAfee. Wow. This
guy's incredible, dude. McAfee, I heard, killed
it. McAfee killed it. Logan Paul killed it. Dude,
this was the coolest shit. That is so wild. Look
at the crowd. It's so fun. They're all chucking
beers at him. Oh, he dropped when he's losing
his edge. No, anytime he drops one, he just lets
it go. Oh, wow. Yeah. Man. So what are they doing?
They're drinking beers together? Yeah, they chug
his beers. Are these real beers, you think? Those
are his beers. Yeah, they're his beers. He has
his own beer? Yeah. What kind of beer is it?
Stone cold beer? Damn, like a Rappaport. There's
the stars, dude. Good for them. You could have
been killed. And you know what's fun about wrestling?
The coolest thing, and I was thinking about it,
is you look at the crowd, it is diverse, which
is the funniest thing. That's the craziest part.
Is there any PhDs? Are there any, like, scholars?
Are there any academics? I bet there are. Yeah,
because you have the idea that it's all rednecks,
but it's like, no, no, Dan Soder loves wrestling.
Michael Che loves wrestling. Hinchcliffe's a
giant wrestler. Ron Funches does pro wrestling.
There's a steady stream of dudes without dads
that love it. If you don't have a dad grown up,
you're raised by dudes being like, you better
fucking study. I never thought of that. Oh, yeah,
they were raised by it. You need a male role
model. Oh, shit, that's it. And they're the most.
Male role models, they're perfect, dude. They're
so masculine. Yeah, super masculine. They wear
costumes. And they always defend a woman that's
always a through line. They're on Percocets.
They're on steroids. They die. I got into a fight
with Piper one time. Rodney Piper? Yeah. What?
We staged a fight at the improv. I dishonored
the... reputation of a young porn star. And I
was like, dad's embarrassed of you. And he's
like, he comes busting into the room. He's like,
you take that back. And I'm like, or what, bitch?
He's like, he taught me how to slap him. He's
like, slap me in the face. I'm like, I won't.
This is it right here? What? This is Tripoli's
old show. Give me the first Will Smith from the
beginning. From the beginning. Look at pre -conspiracy
theory, Tripoli. Who's the porn star? Don't sass,
dude. Piper versus racist. My favorite's racist.
Is that Dana DeArma? I think it's Dana DeArma.
Oh, she was fun. She's a fun girl. She's always
hanging around people. She's cool. Very cool.
I'm sure she was cool as hell. Dated Yusuf for
a while. Yeah. That was jealous. What the fuck
is wrong with you, you little dick motherfucker?
Whoa. That was a dream right there. Howdy. No!
You said you fucking much. Yeah! Roll game! Roll
game! Can I say one thing? Oh, this is great.
Oh, this is hilarious. Good for you, Ari. Damn,
that's awful. He played the piano with my head.
This is a hate crime. Oh, this is hilarious.
This is not happening. He's huffing you from
behind. He's going to pull his dick out. He's
going to beat you in his belt. How bad did that
hurt? That was like a hurt. You got adrenaline,
though? This is what he taught me. He goes, hey,
you got to flail your arms if I'm hitting you,
because if you don't, it won't look real, and
if you don't, I have to hurt you. Oh, my God.
Dude, I watched it. Because I've been talking
about wrestling and all that, my algorithm now
is starting to get into wrestling. Look, last
thing I need is to get into wrestling. No, no,
no. What, are you thinking about getting into
wrestling? No, no, no, no, no. But it is fun
to watch, dude. It's fun to watch. Then why wouldn't
you get into it? I know where this path leads,
dude. I've seen the dudes into wrestling. Where's
the lead? You could maybe break the mold. No,
he's the mold. I am the mold. If you got into
astrology, you would break the mold. Why don't
you just embrace it? I can't imagine something
that I like that I don't get into. Well, no,
I don't. Look, I don't. Anyway, there's a video
on Twitter where you see the dudes actually,
because it's improvised. You don't know that.
In the ring, it's improvised. No, I think it's
pretty choreographed. No, they improvise. Yeah,
they know who's going to win and what's going
to happen, but they improvise on the spot. They'll
be grappling, and somebody made a video of them,
what they say to each other. They're like, throw
me in the turnbuckle elbow, and they do it. Just
like that. And they know all the moves, so they
say it. They're like, suplex. And the guy will
just do it on the spot. It's crazy. That is impressive.
What a fucking punishment their bodies take.
It's insane. Dude, I was backstage with Colt
Cabana in Edinburgh. They used to do it every
once a week in Edinburgh. They would do a show.
And some guy came out and got in the way of a
two -on -two. And then I'm backstage, and everyone's
like, what the fuck are you doing? We had a six
-week fucking thing planned, and you fucking
ruined it. And we're all just like, what is this?
Yeah, dude. They have all these, like, long -term,
like, storylines they set up. The guy ruined
the storyline? Yeah. He was like, I was just,
I thought I could just. He's like, yeah, you
thought. That's your fucking problem. You think
we needed your fucking help? It was crazy. That
made no sense. It was so cool to be backstage
in that. The wild thing is to watch them, like,
they'll put a guy through a table or off the
fucking thing, and the second they land, the
guy goes, are you all right? And the guy's like,
yeah, bro. or sometimes they're like, no. I just
got fucked up, and they're like, we got to finish
this. There's one video with The Undertaker and
some guy, and he was like, are you okay? And
the guy's like, no, but you got to do the tombstone.
He says it. So the guy's fucked up. He probably
broke his ribs or his knee. What a pro. And he's
like, you got to do the tombstone, even though
I'm fucked up. So he picks him up. It's crazy.
Dude, when we had the Undertaker on, he talked
about his eyeballs getting shattered. What? His
orbital got shattered. He had to get it replaced
twice. Two different orbitals. One of them, a
guy does this thing where he falls back and lands
with his ass on his face, and it shattered his
orbital. So he had to get, like, mesh put in
there. He couldn't move his eyes. And he had
to complete the fucking wrestling match. Yeah,
dude. Wow. I was in Montreal doing my storytelling
show, and either Big Show or Mankind, one of
those guys who does stand -up sometimes now.
Mankind. Mankind. And he finished. It's a fun
story, you know. And then I was like, anyone
who thinks wrestling is fake, watch this guy
take these two steps down the stage. And it was
so good. Yo. Mankind was, like, the guy. Like,
he got. Fucked up. Foley, too, is another one.
Foley. It was Foley. Yeah, it's Mick Foley. That's
Mankind. Oh, sorry. I was in... That's Dude Love,
Cactus Jack. I was in Toronto, and I was doing
that weed show. You know that weed show that
was downstairs? Do you guys ever do the Comedy
Underground in Toronto? It's done now, I think.
It's done? It was a weed show. You go there,
everybody was smoking weed. There was no air
in the room. It was all just weed. It was crazy.
People would pass out once every three shows
from greening out. I did a weed show. There was
so much weed. Where did you say it was? Toronto.
Yeah, I did a week show in Toronto. It was in
the back of a bong show. Yes. Bong show. I just
did it. Did you go to the bong show? No, no,
no. Two years ago. It's a different room. Oh,
okay. There's a few rooms, but this was the best
one. So anyway, Iron Sheik was in the crowd by
some strange, so he walks up on stage with me
and starts talking to me while I'm, oh, here
it goes. Talking shit? Oh, yeah, that's it. He
had to walk with a cane, man. He was really fucked
up. Yeah. He likes comedy. He's done some roasts,
I think. Joe looks a little retarded there. No,
I look fine. Anytime you're around a wrestler,
it brings it out. Anytime you see a wrestler,
you're like... What is he saying? I can't believe...
What is the toughest sport in the Olympic? Freestyle,
record rolling, or UFC? The toughest sport in
the Olympics is freestyle wrestling, sir. Absolutely.
Absolutely. Because he knows what he's talking
and he knows how to watch it. Is he still alive?
Yeah. He's tweeting. Is he tweeting? He's tweeting.
His tweets are fucking hilarious. He was crazy.
I'm a champion. I humble you. Did he wrestle?
Oh, my God. Iron Sheik? With Iran or something?
Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a legit amateur wrestler.
He played, oh, that kind of wrestling. Yeah,
real wrestling. Oh, wow. He didn't just do that.
He used to do those shield casts with those giant
clubs. You know those wrestling, those workout
clubs? The Iranian ones are these big, giant,
wooden clubs that are heavy as fuck. And he would
do these workouts that are really hard to do
with these giant clubs. So he was a legit guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They all are. What's his
name? Gable? Look at these clubs. This is his
thing. Other guys couldn't do it. They would
try to do his clubs, and this was part of the
gag. The Iron Sheik would go, try to do my clubs.
It's so funny because he's actually Jewish. Is
he? Yeah, he's a Persian Jew. Oh, that's hilarious.
And he calls himself Iranian. No one is in showbiz.
The Iron Sheik. Look, he's got the curly tips
of the toes. Oh, yeah. So this is Precious Paul
trying to do the Iron Sheik's clubs. Is that
Logan Paul's dad? Could be. Looks like it. He's
pulling it off. He's pretty fucking jacked. There
you go. Jesus Christ, he's jacked. Yeah, he's
roided. He works out. You think so? He looks
nice. But when the Iron Sheik does it, watch
how effortlessly he moves these giant -ass fucking
clubs. The guy was, in his prime, he was a tank
of a man. Yeah. Like a real legit, look, he wipes
them all down and shit. Damn. So he's doing the
circles. That's the shield cast. The other guy
was just going up and back. Good podcast name.
That is so hard to do with things as heavy as
that. The crowd's my favorite, dude. Look at
the lady that looks exactly like me. Look at
the old lady with the glasses next to the cowboy
hat. Look at the old lady with the glasses next
to the guy with the cowboy hat. There's Cliff
on the left. I don't know what to do. I'm waiting
for something fun to happen. Right now, this
isn't fun. He's just working out. That's really
hard. A lot of women there. A lot of women, you're
right. So he's just loosely put. Doing it longer?
Look at the guy right next to his left shoulder
that looks like a young Howard Stern. Precious
Paul's just trying to figure out how long can
he do that? Black people. Where? All over, dude.
Black people love wrestling, too. Yeah, they
do. It's crazy. See how Precious Paul's doing
it? That's a bullshit way to do it. He doesn't
have the roll. And then they wrestle afterwards?
Is that what happens? How much weight is that,
you think? Son of a bitch. That was smart. That's
what the fun part about wrestling is. It's like,
oh, you motherfucker. Of course he was going
to wrestle here. Of course he was going to do
that. So he was a Persian Jew? Persian Jew. Well,
that's from Iran. Yeah, a lot of Persian Jews.
He just played a role. That's what Persia is.
How was Logan Paul as a wrestler? Dude, it was
so good. I'm sure he's great. He's going to be
a wrestler. Oh, he should be. He's a star. He's
a star. Yeah, he's a star. His podcast is actually
really good. Really? The Dana White episode.
Are you trying to get on it or something? Well,
no, the Dana White episode. I listened to the
whole thing. I listened to a clip. He had Dana
on? Yeah, and it's great. It's an amazing pod
episode. Give it a listen. He's done a lot of
shit, man. I mean, you got to give the guys props.
He's not lazy. He fought Floyd Mayweather in
a boxing match. I don't care if he's 50 pounds
heavier than Floyd Mayweather. It's still Floyd
fucking Mayweather. Yeah, it's crazy. Look at
that. Yeah, dude. Woo. He was doing splits and
shit. That's pretty impressive. Look at that.
Oh, Lucha Libre. Damn, he's a fucking athlete.
Look at that flexibility. Is that a real Lucha
Libre thing? Or is that just in WrestleMania?
Is it like in Mexico? I had no idea he was that
flexible. That's crazy. Wow. Good for him. You
ever see D 'Elia make up with him? Make up? Yeah,
because him and D 'Elia used to go at it, and
he's like, hey, whatever I said before, the guy's
a star. Forget it. Oh, wow. Wow. What did D 'Elia
used to say about him? He used to just be like,
fuck this idiot, fuck this kid who's like a...
influencer. Yeah. That was easy to do, though.
I know. I was wrong. This guy's awesome. Him
and his brother are fucking animals. I mean,
what they've been able to do is incredible. His
brother knocked out Tyron Woodley. Hard. Did
you knock him out? With one punch. That's crazy.
He knocked out one of the greatest. It was like
a vicious. Vicious. A striker. Not a wrestler.
He's a striker. Well, he was a wrestler. He just
had a lot of power. But the fact that he knocked
out One of the greatest welterweight champions
of all time with one punch is fucking bonkers.
I agree with that. Watch this. Watch this. Oh,
I did see that. Okay. Jake. That sucks being
sponsored by Dude Wipes. Come the fuck on. When
you get knocked out, all of a sudden the sponsors
are kind of embarrassed. And you're showing that
sponsorship. Dude Wipes. Couldn't you fall backwards?
Faceplant with Dude Wipes in your butt. See,
he's got the power out of the two of them. He's
got the power. Logan is a really good athlete,
but he's not as good of a boxer. But Jake Paul,
on top of being a better boxer, he's got legit
power. He sleeps people. Look at this. Oh, he
dropped that left. Bro, that is face plant. That's
alcohol. And that's Tyron Woodley. That's like
one of the greatest welterweight champions ever.
He didn't even seem surprised he did it. He walked
away like, that's what I was going for. Great
white hope. Oh, he left that white hope. Joe,
what did he do there? Go block the stomach? He
thought he was going to the body. Yeah, he thought
he was going to the body. And he thought he was
going to drop his hand down to stop the body
shot. Because I think he probably went to the
body just before that. He set him up. See, he
even dips like he's going to hit the body, and
then he goes over the top. See how he did that?
Amazing. Amazing. So he dipped like he was ripping
to the body. How do you protect that otherwise?
Drop the right? You've got to get the fuck out
of there. Get the fuck out of there and put your
hands up. The thing is, Tyron was not conditioned
for this fight because he took it on fairly short
notice. It wasn't that much. He was supposed
to fight someone else. Who was he supposed to
fight? Tommy Fury, and then he backed out. Yeah,
that's right. Tommy Fury. Something happened
to Tommy Fury. He had to get out. And then Tyron
took it on just a few weeks' notice. And there's
no way he was conditioned for that fight. So
when you're not... Like fully camp conditioned,
you take breaks. Like when you're in the fight,
like there's times maybe you should move and
you go, I'm just going to take a fucking break
here. And you're like trying to like gather up
your energy and you manage it over the course
of the three minutes. You can't just go out.
Like when you see like, if you see a fighter
like Manny Pacquiao when he's in his prime. and
he's fucking supremely conditioned. There's no
thought about conserving energy. Man is just
thinking about how to fuck you up. Just thinking
about how to fuck you up because his conditioning
is off the charts. I mean, he's not sprinting.
He's conserving some energy, but that's not his
primary concern. His primary concern is just
hitting you. When a guy gets to a point where
most likely he's not training every day hard
when he doesn't have a fight scheduled, then
he gets a fight scheduled and it's only two weeks
notice, you can kind of get in shape in two weeks,
but not like... the kind of shape you need to
be able to fight. So he was taking a break. Because
he also must have thought, like, it's not an
MMA guy. It's a Paul. He already fought him.
He fought him and he lost. But there were moments
in that first fight where when Tyron would turn
it on, he was the better fighter. He would have
been a different fight if Tyron had the time
to prepare. I guarantee you. I guarantee you.
Because he would have more conditioning, more
confidence to hit the gas. Like, when you don't
have condition, if you don't have a full camp,
You still are in shape. You're a fucking professional
athlete. You're still a fucking stud of a man.
But he doesn't have the kind of conditioning
that you need to go a hard fight. You condition
your body three minutes hard work, one minute
rest. Three minutes hard work, one minute rest.
World work, plyometrics. You get conditioned.
There's no way he was conditioned for that fight.
But that's part of their attack is I think people
underestimate. And that's how they kind of get
an edge on it. Everybody, the wrestler guy, the
real wrestler, whatever his name is, who he got
knocked out. Askren. Askren. All these guys are
like, whatever, you're nothing. Exactly. The
guy's actually working hard. I actually think
Askren didn't give a fuck. Right. Yeah, he looked
doughy. Listen, Askren had a hip replacement.
He took the fight after a hip replacement, and
not that long after a hip replacement. There's
no way he was in shape for that fight. And Askren,
he lost, and he was like, so? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Smart guy. Askren is a very smart guy. Askren's
awesome. And he's funny. Yeah, he is funny. Does
Askren really make more in those two fights than
his whole UFC career? Supposedly. Most likely.
Wow. That's what he said. Wow. That's what he
said. Yeah. I don't know what the number is.
Wow. See, I like those, Paul, because it's kind
of like the YouTube comics. He offered Chris
Rock and Will Smith $40 million to fight. Who
did, Paul? Jake Paul did. What? Chris Rock's
like, I don't care about Will Smith. Well, even
if he did, Chris Rock is very small. It's not
fair. Right. The difference is like 60 pounds.
He never trained to play the greatest boxer of
all time. Will Smith. Put up Will Smith as Muhammad
Ali. Dude, Will Smith is a fucking athlete. When
he was playing Muhammad Ali, it was one of those
rare moments. There's like a few guys that have
pulled it off. Daniel Day -Lewis did a great
in the boxer. Mark Wahlberg did it great as a
fighter when he played Mickey Ward. He did a
fantastic job. But show the video of him moving
around. Because there's video from the fight.
And he was fucking good, man. That's crazy, that
picture of him taking the robe off. Literally,
he got like the kind of still baby fat, but jacked.
Like Ali. Exactly like Ali. Dude, he did a fantastic
job as Ali. And that's him against Sonny Liston.
That's in photography. Yeah. But he's a good
athlete, man. I think it's a Michael Mann. That's
why this is so not fair. I think it is. To have
a boxing match between this man and Chris Rock
is crazy. Yeah. Jake Paul. Look at Howard Cosell
with his terrible wig. Look at that. That's got
to be him fighting Sonny Liston, right? That
must be. Holly fucking ruled. Yeah. Oh, my God.
He was amazing. That was one thing Kanye said.
Kanye in his documentary was like, where are
all the Muhammad Alis? Where's the fun guys,
the cocky guys? They're kind of done. Hey, man,
it's hard to make a guy like that. Do you know
how fucking hard it is to be a guy like that
and also be brilliant? Who's the right -wing
guy in MMA? Colby. Colby Covington. He's doing
it well. He talks a lot of shit. But he's a good
fighter. He's fun. He promotes a fight well.
He's fucking elite. He's not just a good fighter.
If it wasn't for Kamaru Usman, he'd probably
be the welterweight champ of the world. Kamaru
Usman is just so fucking good. He's, in my mind,
he's the GOAT. When you look at welterweight
champions, it's like Georges St -Pierre and there's
Kamaru Usman. I feel like the way Usman dispatches
people... Man, it's hard to argue that there's
someone who you would give an advantage over
him. If George and him fought in their prime,
God, what a fight that would be. What a fight
that would be. Yeah. If I had to bet, who knows
who I'd bet on. It might be Usman, though. He
might be the most likable fighter, though. Listen
to him talk, St. Pierre. Oh, he's amazing. He's
just so cute and nerdy and nice. Yeah, he's great.
Usman's very likable, too. Dude, he came on,
GSP came on the bonfire. Really? Yeah. Did he
really? He was in Sirius, and he just came in,
and I happened to be on that episode. Oh, wow.
I was like, George, I'll fuck you up. You know
what I mean? I was like, dude, don't make me
fuck you up. And he was like, who is this guy?
Yeah, yeah. It was just that. His accent's great.
Instead of talking about me, talk about dinosaurs.
Yeah, yeah. He loves dinosaurs. If you said that
to any other UFC fighter, they'd be like, fuck
you, puss. He was just like. Boy, this guy is
funny. And he hates fighting, apparently. He's
like, I don't like doing it. He's so intelligent
and so friendly. He's like, you would never believe
that he's one of the greatest fighters that's
ever walked to face the earth. That video of
you showing him whatever kick, and then he's
like, interesting. And then the next fight, he
breaks it out. Yeah. I worked with him a couple
times on that. That was like my signature move
in my Taekwondo days was the turning side kick.
Wow. And then the fact that he was like, nope,
I get it. I don't care who's telling me. That's
a cool move. I'll do it. Well, that was the fun
conversation. It was such a silly conversation.
I was talking to John Donaher, and John Donaher
pulls me aside. He goes, I want to work with
George on his spinning back kick technique. Do
you know anybody who could help me with that?
And I said, this is going to sound crazy. I know
how this sounds. I go, but I have one of the
best spinning back kicks you've ever seen. I
go, I know that sounds so crazy. I know that
sounds so dumb. I'm a comedian. I'm telling you
this, but it's true. And so I think John already
knew that, though, before he asked me that question.
I think it was a setup. Can we see it? Yeah,
there's a video of it. There's a video of me
showing George. And we were at this sweaty fucking
gym called Legends. That was the problem. While
I was showing it to him, the whole floor was.
It was before. It was after the Bomb Squad. After
Bomb Squad. After Bomb Squad. Then we went to
Legends. East side. East of LA. So this is me
and George. Upstairs, right? What year? How about
you? No, it wasn't 2011, was it? Is that when
it was uploaded? Oh, it's on my channel. Well,
it must be 2011. Four million views here. Yeah.
So George gets his phone out because he wants
to film it. I think it's probably happened before
that. He's smiling. It's the best. Before that.
No, I already did it, Jamie. Go to the beginning.
Ari's got a small bladder. No, it's in the beginning.
I know the video. I haven't gone yet. So if you
show the beginning, it's when he first sees me
do it. Yeah, so this is it. You know what else
is cool about St. Pierre is he's a complete product
of bullying. He was bullied and he just made
him a... Made him a badass. Do you know he met
his bully one day out in the street when he was
driving his Range Rover? Oh, my God. His bully
was walking on the street. This is my worst nightmare.
And he talked to the guy, and, like, he forgave
him and, you know, just talked to him. Yeah,
I think he even, like, helped him out and gave
him some money. Wow, that's the ultimate win.
Yeah, no, it is the ultimate win. Well, it's
like anybody who's like that is mean. Most of
the time someone was mean to them. Yeah, and
they're fucked up. Someone fucked them up. Right.
That's that old hurt people hurt people. Yes.
You know? It's all internal. It's something they're
going through shit. Listen, man, if it wasn't
for bullies, I never would have done martial
arts either. I got into martial arts because
I was terrified. Really? Yeah, because I didn't
have any friends. I was always moving around,
and I was little. And so all these guys would
fuck with me. I'm like, oh, this is a problem.
I've got to learn how to fight. Right. That's
why I like comedy. You'd get out of fighting
getting beat up by telling jokes and shit. For
sure. Most of the time, but it's always good.
It's always good to be able to touch yourself.
The worst is telling a joke and then getting
punched in the face. That was me. I was a little
worried that it was going to be open season and
people smacking people after that. There were
so many people that were supporting Will Smith.
I wasn't worried at all. No? Big guy. Yeah, but
also like... No, I don't think it's – because
he's so hated now. He's like a joke. So I think
anybody's scared of doing that. But he's not
hated universally. This is one of the things
that I found about this whole Will Smith, Chris
Rock thing that's so strange. It seems like no
matter what happens, there's going to be a certain
group of people that side with the... But that's
anything. Yes. People think 9 -11 was good, some
people. Some people do, yeah. That is the thing.
There's so many people that have an opinion.
No Jews in the building. There's so many people
that have an opinion that anytime something happens,
you're going to find some hot take that makes
you want to vomit. There's a lot of people that
were supporting Will Smith. Don't talk about
a man's wife. Don't talk about a man's wife.
Really? A joke about G .I. Jane? A movie where
you got a really hot lady, Demi Moore, who's
one of the baddest women that's ever been a star
of a movie. She becomes a fucking Navy SEAL.
There's nothing negative about that. And you
can see some nip in the movie cover. Right, but
it's like... There's nothing negative about G
.I. Jane. G .I. Jane was a badass movie. She
tells the guy to suck her dick. Remember that?
Right. That was hot. And that's enough to cause
violence? Yeah. It's like comparing a man to
Rambo. Settle down, Rambo. Exactly. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Right, right. Nobody gets upset. How dare
you call me jacked and awesome. You see a handsome
guy with a great body and a long, flowing lock
of hair. Sure. Damn, Rambo rules. Call him Rambo.
Can you pull up the G .I. Jane movie poster?
There it is. Look at that. Nip. I told you. Two
thumbs up. Failure is not an option. Hell yeah.
You know how many lesbians rubbed one out to
that? What a dumb thing to get upset about. What
a fucking moron. It's a great movie. Total moron.
It's a movie where she's a hero. She's a beast.
She's looking to get upset. Let's be honest though.
It's an old reference. She got it. They for sure
had a discussion. before that show. Yeah. They
for sure did. Of course, whoever the writer was,
he was like, I wrote that joke. Did you see the
TikTok? What? I don't know. I heard it was a
guy from Philadelphia. Who wrote that? Yeah,
somebody at the stand told me like, hey, my buddy
said I wrote that joke for him. Oh my God, that's
hilarious. He tweeted it. It's not a great joke.
It's not the best joke. I couldn't even believe
he said it. But it's like when you watch him
laughing at it and then her giving him the look
and then he goes up on the stage like, and you
know there was a TikTok? Did you know there was
a TikTok of the two of them before the Oscars
talking about how they were going to cause chaos?
No. Uh -oh. Easy, JoJo. What? Yes. No. Yes. Watch
this. Oh, God. No. Let's go back to the Klan
talk. I think the reason why he did that when
he went up there so quickly and so irrationally,
I think this was something they discussed. Who's
that? Who's that? Chris, or Will, rather, and
Jada. Okay. Because he was, I mean, he was obviously
laughing. Will Smith and Jay, choose chaos. Here
it goes. Oh, the video says. I don't know if
they actually, it was posted in words, I think,
on his Instagram account. I don't know if. It
was a TikTok, and it said that they were going
to start chaos. Wait, what was that, though?
Ricky Gervais says I would not have made fun
of her hair? He goes, I would have joked about
her boyfriend. That's a better joke. Oh, okay.
I didn't read the rest. He went viral after this.
He didn't even do anything. Hold up. Scroll back.
Will Smith brags about causing chaos at the Oscars
just hours before slapping Chris Rock over his
Jada Pinkett joke. Yeah, they literally discussed
that. They're going through a lot. They're not
showing the video. That's what I think. It was
just a... Yeah, he's going through a lot, dude.
Yeah. He's fucked up. He's fucked up. And that's
fine. It's a nothing joke. But you can't hit
people when you're fucked up. Even if it was,
you don't do that. God all dressed up to choose
chaos. What, is he running for Legion of Skanks
president? We won. We did win. We did win. It's
late slide. Crazy, right? Let's have victory.
Abrogated our thrones. If she made him do that.
If, like she said, if someone talks shit about
me, you're going to walk up on that stage, you're
going to smack them right in the face. Whoever
it may be. Oh, I wish it was Schumer. How fun
would that have been? That would have been another
story. It's taking a month off. What a loser.
Man, we made it three hours before we got a Trump.
Hey, there you go. I was doing all the fucking
hey -hays. I was doing all your fucking act.
Hey, Donald, what do you think of that dumb mustache
on Shane? Still in my act. The mustache is very
good. A lot of people say it's handsome. Most
people say it's handsome. Did you know right
away you could do his voice? No. Did you practice
it? No, it just got better. It gets better. Yeah.
But there's voices I hear and I go, I can't do
that one. That one's out. Yeah, I can't do a
lot of voices. I can't do any voices. I can't
either. Do me. Do me. Cues are gross. Fuck this.
You guys are fucking idiots. No, the only thing
I can do is I can probably get your yell. When
you start yelling. I got high pitch. Yeah, when
you start screaming, that might be easy. That's
the only Trump I can do is his yell. Like his
rally. No, no, no. You can do the dialogue. No,
but his rally voice. His rally voice is easy.
When he's doing the rally, he's like, that's
what I said. I said it. And then he like steps
away. Right, right, right. I see. But his speeches
when he's like. Yeah. Doing like he's got the...
Oh, yeah, he does. He always inhales. He sucks
in through his teeth. Oh, yeah, he always just
breathes through his lower teeth. Yeah, his lower
teeth are a big part of his body. Do you study
the little details of it before trying that,
or do you just like... No, I think any time I
see somebody talk, I can pick up their mannerisms.
I think that's normal. Did you see the thing
that he did? We were talking about it last night.
There was a guy in the audience. He goes, where's
my gaze for Trump? Where's my gaze for Trump?
And the guy's out there and he goes, you don't
look gay. It's a black guy with a cowboy hat
on. How good is that? It's fucking amazing. And
then just the camera going back to the dudes
filming it being like, what did he say? And the
other guy's like, just the other dude being like,
dude, he said you don't look gay. DeStefano put
a picture up or a video of him watching this
on his Instagram. He goes, how's this guy not
president? How is he not president? Well, he
might be. He might be. Do you think he's going
to win again? You get a couple Texas Bud Lights,
dude. If he runs out against Biden, he'll win.
Thank you. You don't look good. I mean, you don't
look good. You don't look good. You don't look
good. Did you see the video of him going above
the environment? Did you see the video about
the environment? Where he goes, you saw it? Yeah.
Where he just curses. The ocean's going to rise
one millionth of one percent over the next 500
fucking years. The chick behind him is like,
yeah, that's what we like. He kills. Yeah, he
kills. He does well. He's got some great fucking
lines. And also, I mean, if you can, yeah, whatever.
I'm not going to get fucked up and start being
like, the guy's making some good points. Remember
how good shit was? He should be a social media
figure. He should be just complaining about everything
and have someone who actually knows how to. Just
have a show. Yeah. But something's going on.
I mean, fighting on flights is up like 20 ,000%.
Yeah. People are like, there's an article in
The Atlantic. I saw like, what's wrong with everybody
now? Everything is up. Social media. It might
be social media, but it's also the economy. There's
inflation right now. Airlines stink. I think
it's a lack of interaction. We're social beings.
I think we're not being social. They're two years
off of being around people. Everybody was supposed
to come together. We did a podcast right at the
beginning of COVID. We're like, well, this will
end all the fucking. gender pronouns, nothing
matters compared to this. And then within two
minutes, everyone was like, nah, let's start
fighting again. But if the, you know how before
COVID, everyone was like, this country needs
a war. We need something real to happen so everyone
shuts the fuck up. COVID, when that happened,
you guys were probably like, oh, this is something
real. This is going to fuck everybody up. Nothing.
We just sat and watched Netflix for two years.
It destroyed the economy. It destroyed people's
livelihoods. It destroyed work environments and
social environments and hobbies and all these
different things that people want to do. So the
amount of people that are unhappy in comparison
to the amount of people whose lives were going
well in 2019 before it went back. It's probably
in the millions. Yeah, Mark Cuban's out of anybody's
throat. He's doing great. The stack of unhappy
people and the people who this really fucked
their life up. It's just changed the tone of
the country. The whole country feels different.
Also, everybody was at home, so they were online
even more. And that online thing that riles you
up, you're more exposed to it. You saw all the
alt comics getting angrier and angrier at the
regular real comics. And then you saw the real
comics being like, yeah, maybe I am a right -wing
guy. There's a bunch of those too. Interesting.
Because they got upset at the fucking alt comics
always at their neck. Yeah, it's annoying. And
then you see the headlines and you're like...
The ones that are at people's neck, the ones
that are at people's neck though, they're never
good. They're almost never good. Almost never
good. They're almost never like a really solid
comic. Because they're online all the time. They're
not writing. They put their energy into that.
No one's writing. No one's performing. No one's
getting up. No one's tweaking. But even when
they do, it's just not good. Wow. It's not good
stuff. I don't think of one really good comic
that was at everybody's neck during this time.
Yeah. No. Hold on. Let me think about that. Do
you? Well, you see it's a lot of men versus women.
But then Michelle Wolf is funny. She's doing
great. She's working. She's happy. Michelle never
attacks anybody online. She never attacks people.
She's hilarious. She's great. She does never
attack people. But it's like the ones who do.
It's almost like they're trying to stop. people
that they don't agree with more than they're
trying to build themselves up. We live in a society
where if you saw somebody just get off a woman,
like raping her, they'd be like, get that guy.
Shouldn't we help the rape victims? Nah, 70 -30,
we should punish the rapist more than we should
help the victim. We're into punishment more than
we're into helping people. We're less into helping
people than we are into hurting people. Hurting
people is big. So we want to punish the accused
instead of helping the victims. But we also want
to grab the accused to make sure he doesn't continue
to victimize people. Sure, but even this Chris
Rock thing. Everybody's like, who was wrong?
Will Smith? Or maybe Chris Rock shouldn't have
gone so far. But nobody's like, hey, how's Chris
doing? He got slapped in the middle of a fucking
show. No one's like, is he all right? That's
true. Amy Schumer took a month off because of
the trauma. How's she doing now? What trauma?
I think she's doing okay. What trauma? Do it.
How's she doing now? She's doing great. That's
what it was. Taking a month off is fucking nuts.
Who takes a month off stand -up? What? We're
feeding her. She's getting a lot of feed. A lot
of feed. Well, anytime you have to announce that
you're taking time off, it's like, how fucked
up are you? How does that work? Just don't call
for spots. Yeah, just don't take time off. How
does that work, though? Do you think there's
publicists that handle this? I think so, yeah.
Is there a discussion? Yes. What do we do next
to move the needle? How are you in those discussions?
I've had, obviously, significantly lower level,
obviously. But when they're like, hey, this is
what we should do, I'm like, no. Yeah, why do
you say that? Shut the fuck up. I'm just going
to go do a set. Yeah, don't do anything. What
are you guys doing? When that happened, there
was all these plans. This is what we need to
do. I was like, definitely don't do that. I'm
not going on the news. They told you not to go
on stage? How great was that set we did? They
were like, definitely don't go on stage. I was
like, this is... That's all I have. This is the
only thing that's going to make me not sad. Yes.
And then me and Ari came on stage. It was great.
It was so fun. I remember a night I was so livid
because finally one of ours, finally a mainstream
real comic got on that show. Yeah. And we're
like, sweet. And then they took it away. It was
like a punishment for all of us. It was like
when they killed Pesci, you know? And we're like,
wait. Oh, for sure. He was one of ours. And so
then I was like, Shane, I was just livid. And
I was like, get up here. Let's have fun. Yeah.
That was a cool night. That was one of my favorite
sets of that year. Yeah, there were people there
that they hit me up and they were like, dude,
that was a cool thing. Isn't it interesting when
things go sideways, a lot of people want you
to disappear for a while. A lot of people, but
not everybody. The hate online is so overwhelming
that you're like, I guess the world hates me.
And then you go on and they're like, yeah! As
soon as you walk on stage, they're like, let's
go. Chris Rock is getting huge ovations. Louie
gets huge ovations. It's not all... Real. My
first set after all that Kobe stuff happened
was just a poppin' set at the upstairs of the
stand. So I wasn't on the lineup. It was like
a two -minute, not standing ovation, just a two
-minute ovation. I'm like, yeah, you're here.
And I'm like, oh. Oh, you guys are just regular
comedy fans. Yeah, but here's the hard part about
that is because people will be like, see, cancel
culture is not real. It helps. It's like, no,
dude, these are people that like you that are
like, no, we still love you. You're a minority.
And it's not like, it doesn't help, dude. Obviously,
it doesn't help. No. That shit sucks. I hate
the cancel culture is not real argument because
they go, he's doing, he's working. It's like,
all right, you're using the cancel word too literally.
His life is ruined. He's sad. He's scared. He's
different now. You go on stage, you're looking
at people whisper to each other. They're talking
about the tab. And in your head, you're like,
they're saying he's explaining to her that I'm
a piece of shit. Right, right, right. It's mentally
very damaging to have hundreds of thousands of
people call you an asshole. Guys, you can't talk
at the same time. Fair. Oh, sorry, sorry. Go
ahead. Yeah, but we're fired up. It's character
assassination more than anything. It's not you
can't work. You're canceled. You can't work.
It's like, hey, you're a bad guy, and we all
say how bad you are. That's canceling. It's like
you suck as a guy. Yeah, it's a. The Scarlet
Letter. Right, right. Dylan put a thing up on
his Instagram when the Louis C .K. thing went
on, and it was how I became friends with him.
He said there are a lot of mediocre talents that
are chiming in on Louis C .K. to try to knock
him off the high perch because they know that
he possesses skill and talent as a comedian so
much better than they'll ever be. It's amazing.
And so they resent him, and there's part of what's
going on is like if you look at the most... violent
of people that were attacking him. They're all
terrible. There was, like, a bunch of, like,
really mediocre comics that were going after
him hard. And I was like, this is interesting.
And then when Tim Dillon said that, I'm like,
of course. That's exactly what it is. He nailed
it. And he was seeing it in New York at the time.
He was living in New York. Right. And it was
very hot because, like, Louis would come in and
he would bump everybody. He would go on whenever
he wanted. He's the king. He calls in. Louis
calls in. He does call in. He does call in, actually.
He would never bump. He calls in. He would be
on the lineup. He does 15 and he gets off. Beautiful.
And he does 15. This is now? or this before?
Definitely now, maybe before. We're talking about
the, he used to bump people. But even if he bumped,
he wasn't doing an hour. Yeah, you're right.
He was doing 15. You're right, you're right.
But it's not, I'm not saying it as a pejorative.
It's a positive. To see Louis C .K. at a fucking
show at the Cellar is a great thing. He wasn't
the guy that ran the life, did an hour in 45
minutes. He's there to work on a joke. But the
point is, these guys all had to watch that happen.
When a guy shows up and everybody's like, oh,
it's Louis C .K. You wish it was you. There's
a thing. When a comic is there and they're on
their way up and they see a guy who is achieving
levels of success that are probably never going
to happen in their life. He's doing giant theater
shows. He's doing Madison Square Garden. He's
got a show on FX. He's doing Netflix specials.
This is Louis fucking CK. And you wish you were
that big and you wish you were that good. And
then as soon as something happens with him, those
are the ones. How do you do that? Shane and I
talk about this. It's the piling on. It's the,
oh, you can't fight back, so now we're going
to pile on. Oh, I never liked the guy anyway.
Once the green light's on you, green lightism.
Exactly. The thing is you get to see those people
who they really are. That's who they really are.
And it's like most of them are barely comics.
They're barely comics. They're just like, they're
okay. They can get by on the perfect night with
a good crowd with some jokes that don't make
us laugh, but they're existing in this world.
They're selling some shows, and they're moving
some. You know those fucking people. It's never
getting any better for them. There's a period
where they've reached peak performance for what
their brain, what their spirit has to offer.
That's it. That's all you got, bitch. It's doable.
Why not get good? Why not try to get good? Because
they're in their own way. The same reason why
they want to attack someone like Louis. Not just
say, hey, I think what he did is wrong, but the
attack over and over, the constant attacks on
Twitter, constant attacks on social medias and
blog entries by comics, a lot of them were piss
poor. A lot. A lot. Some are also going - That's
a good number, right? 99%. A lot of comedy struggle
in general. A lot of them, though, it's like
- Yeah, comedy's hard. If you weren't being watched,
meaning you're not publicly tweeting this, if
you're talking privately, your stance would be
the most obvious normal take. But since you know
you're being watched, you're like, let me say
the opposite of what everyone's saying. It's
not what you actually believe. What do you mean?
If you had to - It's performative. Chris Rockwell
Smith, you'd be like, the easy and most obvious
take is don't ever hit a performer. Right. Or
anybody. But then some people are like, well,
you have to, you know, they try to think of some
other thing to say because that's too obvious.
But obvious is not wrong. There's that. But I
mean, with the Louis C .K. thing, like, there
was, for sure, there was a whole movement trying
to move the ladder. You know, whatever your spot
was on the ladder. Oh, right, to get up ahead.
There was guys trying to move to get ahead and
trying to push a lot of these toxic men to the
side. It happened with DeLeon Cowan. They're
like, sweet, more spots for us. I saw it from
the store comics. They're like, sweet, more spots
for us. There was also, there's a thing about,
like, you move up. And this is what Tim Dillon
put on his Instagram post. I was like, I think
that's exactly what I'm seeing. That's one of
the things that I didn't like about it. It wasn't
that like, hey, his behavior is gross. He should
have never fucking done that, which pretty much
everybody says, including him. Everybody says
it, including him. He did say that. That's not
what it is. He wrote a fucking letter. Yeah.
That's not what it is. What it is is people that
see him and they've been watching him murder
in a way that they can never murder. Oh, nobody
can. I don't like him, so put me digitally into
the movie he was already in. You know? No, I
wasn't a part of this. Tim had a great tweet
the other day. He was like, stand -up comedy
in the 80s was this, and then stand -up comedy
now is like... Vote for your local council person.
I screenshot it. I was like, that's so good.
Tim Dillon is a national treasure. There are
some people that I follow, even comics that I
follow on Twitter, where I just go check their
feed just to watch mental illness just spray
its diarrhea all over the screen. It's wild to
watch people. There's one guy that I'm friends
with. He's a nice guy, but he is. The most Democrat
support. It's like someone who's a Pirates fan,
Pittsburgh Pirates. And he's like, oh, it's fucking
go Pirates. The whole thing is like, go Democrats.
You know you guys suck, right? It's wild. You
know you guys are going to win 20 games this
year? I've been in the World Series since Cal
Ripken was alive. It's like, no, we're the best.
But you know those guys? That's what he is with
the Democrats. They'll be like, look at Biden
kicking ass this week. It's like, bro. He writes
best period, administration period. Ever. Yeah.
It's like getting blown out 35 to 7. You're like,
look at this awesome touchdown we had. Yeah.
Wow. Politics have become a tribe completely.
For sure. It used to just be a thing. I know,
but that was the thing I'm confused about. When
I was young, it wasn't there. You didn't talk
about it. It's not my interest. I saw a Dan Quayle
bumper sticker, and I moved on with my life.
That was it. I thought that I was just young.
So now that I'm an adult, I'm like, I guess adults,
this is what we do. But it's different. Of course
it's different. But that's the confusing part
is like, was it always like this when you get
older? I don't think so. And you're like, we
got to talk politics? No. I got to go on a date
and be like, are you a Trump supporter? Do you
have 10 empty beers over there? It's a 10 -beer
podcast. We're getting going, dude. We always
get to chat with him. We're just firing up. What
time is it? Let's get it going. It's early. We
got the whole day left. He's got 10 empty beers
over there. That's what I'm talking about. Shane
is going to die in his Australian tour. Or he's
going to kill Australia. What is that? That's
been going on. What is going on with that watch?
It goes off every... Time for his insulin. I
dropped it drunk a week ago, and it's been beeping.
It goes off constantly. I know. Is that like
a relic? Yeah, it's a throwback. Do you like
it because it's cool, because it's old? I just
like it because it's completely simple. It just
tells you the time and the date, and I'm good.
But it beeps all the time. That's not simple.
That I got to work on. It tells you the time
and the date. It doesn't ever beep. Well, how
about you throw out a few omegas over here, huh?
This is a Seiko. Ah, Seiko. What are you, poor?
It's a good watch. It's a good watch. I don't
know Seiko. I should beat your ass. Why? Solid
watch. What the fuck are you talking about? I
don't know, Seiko. The troops wore them in Vietnam.
Here's the best conversation. Could a monk protect
our parks? Yeah. Which is funny. You get a little
drunk, you go, protect our parks. That's us.
It sounds like a wiper right now. Protect our
parks. It really does sound like a wiper, Alex.
They're amazing parks. A lot of great parks,
these guys. They're protecting. Some become jails.
Could protect our parks. Fight Joe Rogan. That
was my favorite conversation. Us three? Yes.
First him? Dude, he would wail on us. We'd get
him down. We'd have to get him down. If I get
the junk, I can get the junk. No, this is the
exact point. And the butthole. This is the point.
I got a finger in there. He'll squirm like a
fat pig. Just stare at him laughingly until he
walks away. My butthole is so tight. I could
get in there. I got lube on me. We're all one
bunch. We're all one punch. But if we go together.
But the problem is if Joe slapped us once, I'm
like, I quit. Enjoy it. No quitting. What would
you have done if Will Smith smacked you? Whatever
his name was. If you, in an alternative universe,
if you're doing comedy at the Oscars, and you
tell a joke. He would say some shit, because
what do you got to lose? You're not going back
to the Oscars. It is weird, because I've opened
for you a lot. They would literally just be like,
where's Roy Wood? When I had hecklers go, I'd
be like, this is not my show. To be able to go
off on this and just kind of weird the room.
So the Oscars is times a thousand. Oh, right.
But if it's not the... I mean, I have been slapped.
I have been slapped. Immediately you start making
fun of the guy slapping. You have a weapon. You're
not going to be drawn into violence. Have you
ever been slapped on stage? No, I've been rushed
on stage. Me too. I've had bottles thrown at
me. Tell them that. You heard that? You told
me. I told you that? Last night. I told you what?
Sorry. What? Oh, sorry. Norman's got a great...
I don't know. Don't build it up. No, it's good,
dude. What happened? Hartford Funnybone. I got
a guy, like a fat Comic -Con motherfucker in
the front row. Like, Spider -Man shirt. So good.
Bad hat. Floppy hat. Weird facial hair. And he
was like... Bald? Yeah. Like, he was doing the...
You suck. That joke sucked. You should quit.
You're bad. He was saying it to me. He was in
the front row and no one else could hear him.
So I was like, all right, this guy's just being
a dick. He's trying to poke me. And he was getting
to me. And I kept ignoring because I was doing
well with the rest of the room. He was sitting
alone. And eventually I just snapped. It's like
30 minutes of it. I couldn't take it. I go, fuck
you, you piece of shit. You're a virgin. Look
at you. You suck. You're fat. You're gross. Whatever.
And the rest of the room's like, what are you
doing? Why are you meeting this guy? Because
they didn't know. They didn't know. So they turned
on me. But I just was like, fuck it. I'm going
all in on this guy. And I called him a virgin.
And that, he snapped. That? Because I think he
was. Oh. And so he's like, bye. And he just lost
it, and he comes on stage, and I kicked him when
he was on the second step. Good, good. Because
I could take this guy. I'm not a tough guy, but
this guy I can take. He was super out of shape.
He was super doughy. He's had cargo shorts. He
looked like Kevin Smith. And I was like, I got
this guy. And I kicked him, and it pushed him
back, and then they grabbed him. But that was
it. Good. Lucky they had better security than
the fucking Oscars. I know. Also, no security.
Props to that dude. It's so funny to go to a
show and just sit in the front row and be like,
you suck. Yeah, he got me. You're encouraging
that. You're 11 beers in, and you're encouraging
violence. I mean, that's a wild dude. I support
Will Smith. I support R. Kelly. I support that
dude. Real talk. There's a mansion under the
sink. Yeah, sit in the front row and be like,
oh, my God, this guy sucks. Like, just so funny,
dude. There's a mansion in the cabinet. Yeah,
dude. He got me good. You ever see the Miss Pat
video? No. It's on her phone. What do you mean?
So it's not up. You got to ask her to see it.
Oh, shit. What is it? She's going off on some
open mic or at a show, I think in Indianapolis.
It might have been Crackers. It might have been
somewhere else. And he's talking shit. He's like,
come up here and say that bitch. And Miss Pat,
you know, she's a fucking legit warrior. And
he comes on. She rips her wig off. Oh, shit.
He goes, I will. He takes one step up and she
just punches him off stage. Oh, my God. That
step was enough to be like, this is you. Escalating.
Of course. Let's go. That's a capital ride. Fuck
that. She takes her wig off. That's serious shit.
Holy shit. Miss Pat is the last person. You don't
want to fuck with Miss Pat. She's been shot.
She's been shot. She got shot in her tit. She
talks about it. Blew her nipple off. Damn. Did
milk go everywhere? Miss Pat is one of the funniest
human beings that's ever lived. That's wild.
God damn, she's funny. She said that before anybody
knew. Justice Millette Lyon. I'm like, wait,
what? We did a This Is Not Happening show. Right
away. At the store. And I was like, wait, what
are you talking about? Shut up. It's back. It's
crazy. What are you talking about? There was
a lot of people who were skeptical. She goes,
who's going to wear a ski mask and a hat on top
of it? Number one. Number two, how are you going
to get name brand bleach for a hate crime? You
don't get name brand bleach. That's great. How
about the fact that he showed up at the hotel
with a noose still around his neck? Ugh. Oof.
He kept the noose. Look what happened to me.
Wouldn't the first thing you do once you get
free is take that fucking noose off your neck?
It's so bad. What's -her -name had the best quote
about it, the writer. J .K. Rowling. No, no.
She wrote for Playboy for a while. I think she's
been on here. Bridget Phetasy? Bridget Phetasy.
Oh, she's fun. Justice Smollett is what happened
when you let the actors write the script. That's
exactly it. That's exactly it. That is 100 %
it. Hey, now that we're talking Justice Smollett.
UTA. You know those guys? Yeah. That agency,
UTA. That stands with everyone. Yeah, they fired
me and kept Jussie Smollett. Still? I don't think
now. I'm sure now they're like... After the conviction.
He ain't working, so we can't get anything out
of him. They're all such fucking phonies. Does
he ever work again? Can someone like that ever
work again? I think yes, because people still
think you did something right. In their mind,
they're like... Nobody thinks he did anything
right. He faked a hate crime. He's got to have
so little support. I'm sure there's some dummies
out there that are on his side. What's the number?
Is it 1 %? I mean, 1 % is enough. You've got
a million people. That's a lot of fucking people.
You've got to do a podcast, but you can't be
on like a TV show. Could he do the podcast where
he just, like, he tells stories? Tell stories.
Telling stories with Jussie Smollett. That'd
be a good podcast. At one time, I skydived without
a parachute while I was skydiving. Some racist
hawk. He flew right into my parachute, that motherfucker.
I mean, how does a guy like that come back? How
do you come back from something like that? Where
you get arrested for faking a crime and they
put you in jail. He maintains his innocence.
I never met those guys. I never met those guys
who worked on my show. That's what he said? He
didn't say they worked on my show because I never
met them. Wasn't he dating one of the guys? He
said they did drugs and whacked off together.
Oh, that's good enough. Which is like... Close
to dating. That's a long -term relationship in
the gay community. Such a funny thing to throw
on dudes you already incriminated. Also, they're
gay, too. The Kevin Spacey defense. You're one
of those guys, you're like, bro, you fucked my
whole life up. Does that guy ever come back?
Kevin Spacey ever comes back? He's so good. He's
so good. He's so good. He's so good. Go back
and watch the fucking first season of House of
Cards. What about the secret movie where he played
a... Different characters? Kaiser Sosa? Kaiser
Sosa. I mean, it never gets better than that.
Oh, my God. The secret movie. Usual suspects.
Usual suspects. The secret movie. The secret
movie. I knew what it was. You knew what it was.
Yeah, of course. How about fucking when he was
in Seven? Happy Sunday, folks. Won't take up
too much of your time here. Did you know that
Jussie's story has been fully corroborated by
two independent witnesses who've never met or
had any affiliation with him? Did you know that
the Office of Special Prosecutors, hashtag Sean
Weaver, committed prosecutorial misconduct by
Pressuring multiple witnesses to change their
story? Jussie's story has never, all caps, changed.
That's all I needed to see. That's all I needed
to see, dude. Free him. Free him. Who's India
Moore who's free Jussie? But right away, someone
writes free Jussie. Who's that? Who's India Moore?
She's blinked or whatever. 1 .6 million? Yeah,
she's hot as shit. Who's this person? Good looking
lady. She's four times as big as me. That is
wild. Free Jussie. Better looking than Jada.
Do you think she's an actress? Yeah. Yeah, she's
got Jussie in there. Yeah, she's probably an
actress. Maybe it's her brother. Maybe. Who knows?
Actors and actresses are out of their fucking
minds. Out of their minds. So is he free? I think
he is now. 150 days he got. He's out? No, no,
he's out already. How many days did he get? They
let him out early. Really? Yeah, they let him
out real early. Remember the prosecutor was like,
we're not going to go through with this? And
everyone was like, why? He lied. Yeah. And they
made him go back. It cost the city. A million
dollars? The Manhunt. So he's out. I guarantee
he's out. He was supposed to do a bunch of time,
and he got out within a few days on appeal. So
he's on appeal right now. So maybe if he loses
the appeal, he has to go in for the rest of the
150 days. The rich get richer. He's fucked. Like,
how do you make a living now? If you're a guy
who's a public—he was great in that Alien movie.
Hey, can we— Alien movie. Covenant. He was in
Covenant. He was great in Mighty Ducks. He was
in Mighty Ducks? Yeah. Who was he? Duck? He was
a young man. Can we mention how awesome? He got
checked by two white guys. Into the glass. The
Bash Brothers got him. What are those Nigerians
doing? Are they still around, the guys he hired?
They're selling weed in Beijing. They're on OnlyFans,
jacking off. They were hot. Can we say how awesome
it was that one of the greatest comics of all
time? Mr. Louis C .K. won a Grammy for best album
of the year. And Twitter imploded, I heard. Nah,
fuck that. Everybody realized how amazing it
was that a great comic put out a great special
and won an award. Finally, someone who deserves
it won an award for an amazing thing. You know
what's funny? I never got them. Yeah, I don't
get it. What was funny is it's like, oh, the
voting's anonymous. That's why he won. Is that
right? Oh, yeah. The voting's anonymous. Everybody
got in there and was like, actually, this special
killed. Definitely the best. It's a good special.
It was a great special. The last special was
very funny. Dude, the intro when he walks out
to fucking Bob Dylan and the sorry's on there
and he just walks. It's like, dude. It's amazing.
Suck my dick. I think he won for sincerely. What?
No, it was sorry. Sorry. Really? Yeah, sorry.
It's called sorry. I thought it was sincerely.
Oh, wait. He won for Sincerely? Oh, a different
special? I think so. He won for the last one?
Oh, yeah. This past one. The most recent is Sorry.
I know. I think he won for the one before that.
No, he was nominated for the one before that.
Really? I don't think he won. That was last year.
The nomination was new. Sincerely, Louis C .K.
won. Sincerely won? Sincerely, Louis C .K. won.
Thank you. Holy shit. Wait, that was recorded
before COVID. That's last year, so he still has
a chance to win next year. Sorry's going to win.
Sorry's better. Sorry's better than Sincerely.
Wait, wait, wait. He won for the one he recorded
in... In 2020? Yes. Wow. That's how they do it.
No, they do the awards for 2021. Well, whatever.
They present in 2021, but it's all the shit from
the year before. It is 2022. This was a weird
year because I don't think they did the Grammys.
Two years ago. Yeah. Oh, okay. Damn, he won one
sincerely? What's interesting is that one was
good, but it's not as good as this one. Sorry
is one of the best specials he's ever done. I
agree. That's great. Dude, it's amazing. And
he seems like free. He seems free. Right. You
know what I'm saying? It seems like he's 100
% free. He said everybody needs to get canceled,
you'll be a real fucking comic after that. He
didn't say the last part, but he goes everybody
needs to get canceled. Interesting. Just get
it over with. Yeah. Then nothing will hold you
back. You're not worried. Would you agree? Because
it's not fun. It's not a great thing. No, it's
bullying. It's mean. Shit stinks. That's what
it was. But, yeah. The stuff that got in this
award show was stuff that came out. Damn, he
won on Sincerely. He's definitely going to win
on Sorry. No. Someone has to come out right now.
He's on Sorry. He's not going to get another
one. He'll get back to back, dude. Sorry was
the best special. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. If he gets
back to back. That's not how it works. But what
do you mean? If it's fucking the best. I don't
think. They don't think like that. They have
a bunch of them. They don't think like that.
They're like, oh, we're going to give it to this
guy. Why do we care what they think? You think
The Departed is the best Scorsese movie? Why
do we care? Why do we care about the Emmys? They
are so not our people. They are so not our people.
They're not our people. The idea that we care
who wins the Emmys is so crazy. Yeah, yeah. Who
gives a fuck? Did you ever see Kill Tony's poster?
It said who actually won the Grammy. Pull up
the Kill Tony poster. You need to see this because
it's fucking crazy. Here's why I never liked
the Grammys because they never once nominated
like Kyle Kinane. It was only celebrities. It's
only celebrities ever. They got Nate Bargatze,
which was nice. That's great. But yeah, you're
right. Look at this Kill Tony poster. That's
true. Grammy Awards won by Queen, zero. Diana
Ross, zero. Jimi Hendrix, zero. Snoop Dogg, zero.
Hillary Clinton, one. Awards are pointless. Kill
Tony isn't. Watch this. That's great. Well done.
What did Hillary win for? Rap? Hip hop? Her murder
compilation. Real talk. Super predators. Don't
you think I got enough bullshit on my mind? She
won for best spoken word album. Oh, my God. It
takes a village. Oh, boy. Grammy Awards of 1997.
Jesus Christ. 97, dude. That was after Monica
Lewinsky. That was Monica Lewinsky. You see?
That's how they think. We'll give her one after
that. Yeah, let's get her a trophy because that
was traumatic as hell. She went through some
shit. Yeah, that's brutal. Poor gal. Yeah. You
watch that FX thing about Clinton? I didn't.
It was good, dude. Yeah, FX kills it. The same
one as, like, The People vs. O .J. Yeah, that
was great, too. Assassination of Versace. Those
are incredible. They did a fucking documentary,
like a show, not a documentary. Biopic? Yeah,
biopic -type shit about... Docu -series. Yeah,
about... Sarah Paulson got threatened after she
said something about... Sarah Paulson's impeachment,
an American crime story. Yeah, it was very good.
What happened with Sarah Paulson? After Kobe,
Michael Rappaport went after her hard and she
got threatened to the point where she had to
delete her Twitter. What? Because she said like,
hey, it might be true that he's a great man and
also he might have committed rape. Both things
can be true. And Rappaport went after her hard.
This was about Kobe. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Well, there
was a lot of those girls. The other one, the
one from Westworld. What's her name? Sarah Paulson.
No, no, no. The other one. A different girl from
Westworld? Yeah. Erin Rachel Wood? Yes, that
one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't she go after
him? Same thing. She's the one who said that.
It was Erin Rachel Wood. Yeah, it was her. She
said that. Yeah. What is this? It was good, dude.
That's the show? FX. That's Hillary? I guess.
No, no, no. That's Linda Tripp. By the way, John
Goodman played her on SNL in the 90s, and it
was so insulting. It was normal. They show it.
They show it on there where she's sitting down
watching SNL and being with her. She's devastated.
Of course. Obviously. But that shit flew back
then. It is crazy that they all called Monica
Lewinsky a fucking whore. I know. You mean my
boss tried to have sex with me? Yeah, I'm a 23
-year -old and the president wanted me to suck
his dick? She got screwed on that. That's Jonah
Hill's... Sister. Whoa. Yeah, it looks like Jonah
Hill. I think she was 20. I think Monica Lewinsky
was 20. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Obviously, you're
going to get a head from a fat 20 -year -old.
Well, not only that. Obviously, if you're a 20
-year -old, you get a chance. Who's not doing
that, dude? I like a full -figured girl. I can't
do Clinton. If you're a young single girl. Wrong
president. Hillary? Or Bill? Bill. Full -figured?
It's kind of breasty. I can do Bill. Big juke
globes. Go ahead. I only flew with him 26 times.
He's a good guy. He's got a good plane. I'd have
to listen to him. If I listened to him, I could
do him better. Don, what do you think of Bill's
pussy? Not good. He sounds like an idiot. Everybody
heard it. I only flew with him 26 times. That's
it. It's more of a this. Do Biden real quick.
What? Come on, man. Kyle Dunnigan's Biden is
the greatest fucking thing the world's ever known.
It's so good. So funny. It's so good. That show
that he does with Kurt is one of the best fucking
sketch things he's ever done. It's so good, dude.
It's amazing. So good. I went over there, and
they were like, so I was in L .A. doing shows,
and Kurt hit me up and was like, you got to come
over and do a sketch. I was like, of course.
I get over there, like, all right, let's go.
Like, as soon as I walked in the door, they're
like, we're doing a Zoom call. I was like, okay.
No hello? Dude, it was crazy. And then you get
into Kyle's house, and it's like a fucking hellhole.
And it's crazy. What do you mean? Like, what
way? I'm talking, like, fucking. Unfinished struts
in the fucking living room are just hanging out.
There's no drywall. There's just shit everywhere.
Really? And they're like, all right, let's go.
Oh, dude, it's chaos. He's a mad genius. He is.
So is Kurt. They're both insane geniuses. They
made Inside Amy Schumer the greatness that it
was the first two years. Yeah, got an Emmy. Yeah,
when it was like those two guys writing, it was
like, this thing can't be stopped. Thank God
they found each other and connected. Those two
are... I mean, it's ridiculous. Yeah. They're
so fucking good. Some of the sketches. The Nancy
Pelosi one they did. The bitch is here. She's
got skeleton hands. She rubs them together and
starts a fire. That's comedy. When you watch
it, you're like, oh yeah, this is what comedy
used to be. I'm going to jingle my jewels in
your face. You'll love it. Bill Maher shit. Bill
Maher hates it. His Bill Maher is so good. No
one else has one. No. It's true. These aren't
impressions anyone's doing. Right. I'll never
have children. But he does them better than anybody.
Oh, the trans Trump. I didn't like this one.
I didn't like this one that much. I thought it
was. Just visually, that's funny. It's funny
and terrific. Visually, it's the Andrew Cuomo
one. It's amazing. Do you see Putin on OnlyFans?
No. Oh, my God. You haven't seen this? Give us
a file. Parachute. Parachute. I always... He's
getting Bitcoin. Okay, we need to go. Now is
sexy time. Get ready. It's going to be getting
hot in here. All the Bitcoin coming in. Have
you ever gone on an OnlyFans? No. No. I should
because I know people on it. Feehan is crushing
it on OnlyFans. Who is? Karen Feehan. She's a
comedian in New York. Very funny. Very funny
and the best little titties in comedy. So what
is she doing on OnlyFans? Butt pics. Yeah, pics
mostly. Yeah, that's it. She makes hell on there.
How much? I think in the $20 ,000 to $25 ,000
range a month. Wow. Yeah. And she's funny. And
she's a cool gal. She's so cool to have around.
It takes away all the financial pressure of gigs.
You do whatever gigs you want. To defend her,
she doesn't slack on comedy. She's like, that's
extra income. I'm still hosting. I'm still doing
whatever spots I can get. If I could get that.
You can show your ass and you get $20 ,000 a
month. Why not? Is there levels to what you show?
What? Levels are the level you want some girl,
but you can do pornography right? Oh, yeah Total
poor not that's what we're his only fans, right?
It's it's porno chicks going. Hey come straight
to me, right? Right, right And what do you want
what you want me to then arranging also like
do you want to meet right? It's 10 grand and
then They do that 10 grand whatever it is, you
know, yeah, I guess about a lot of them get paid
10 grand Why wouldn't you I fuck on camera? Everybody
especially he's nice. Yeah Yeah. Everybody's
nice who gives me 10 grand. Only fans for guys?
Is that a real thing? Gay guys. Gay dudes. Gay
guys. Trans. I interviewed a trans lady on Skeptic
Hang once and she was like, that's a solid, there's
a market for it if you still have your dick.
Margo? Remember Margo? You gotta have your dick?
I mean, you get more money that way. That's wild.
So if you're trans with a dick, it's more valuable
than a full operation? Yeah. Wow. Some girls
are like, I just show my feet and I make a ton
of money. Sure. Go for it. I've heard of that.
Go for it. How much money do you make just showing
your feet? Enough to show your feet. I would
show my feet. I don't give a fuck. I don't even
think about my feet. Your feet aren't that great.
No, they're not. Maybe they are to some people.
Yeah. That's the thing. I mean, I would not do
it. If I could make 20 grand a month. You might
be able to. Just showing your butthole. I'm in.
Guys, go to OnlyFans .com slash Ari Shafir. How
about Ari's butthole around the world, like wherever
you're going? I wanted to have a Skank Fest,
the first year of Skank Fest. I was like, can
we have a kissing booth, but it's only a close
-up, and I'll spread my cheeks, and you get to
stare directly into my fucking hemorrhoided -up
asshole. I would pay a buck for that. A buck?
Yeah. But you've got to sit there with your asshole
spread for an hour and a half. I guarantee you.
Lewis, make it happen. Guys are going to spit
in your asshole. Yeah, that was my only thing.
You've got to have a spit guard. That's not so
bad. You should let them spit in your asshole.
If they have to look at it, they should be able
to spit on it. And that's good. It is kind of
hot. And it feels good. I bet a little warm spit
on your b -hole. Who wouldn't like that? Jamie,
what are you saying? There's a video about that.
That's why I thought you brought it up. What?
In Cook County Jail, that's what they do. They
don't rape guys. They spit in their asshole.
I would take that to jail. What? If rape was
on the table, I would take a spit in the butt.
You still have to get the phone call when a bodily
fluid enters a cavity or something like that,
they explained. What phone call? From your mom?
They have to call your family and say, like,
you have to dip your rape kit on your son. Oh,
no. You can get AIDS from that. Don't call my
mom. Yeah, you have to rat them out. No, no,
no. That's what they were going into. Like, that's
the thing that they did. Big guys would be like,
you ain't spitting in my asshole. And I'd be
like, what? You get knocked out. And then they
hold you down. And they spit in your ass. And
then people were like. Why would they hold you
down? You're already knocked out. They would
take turns coming up and spit in your asshole.
Sounds like a nice treat. Come on. I want to
see video of this. It's not the video of that.
But I can show you the video of them explaining
it. Wow. Really? And they also have a thing they
called a Glock. A Glock Dookie. Dookie Glock.
Glock Dookie. Grab some Bud Lights out there.
How many you got down so far? What do you got
over there? What's the stack? I'm having a tough
time counting. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
You're on beer 12. That's good. I had one of
those. That's wild. Bud Light's here. Easy to
drink. Yeah, but that's wild. That's like Andre
the Giant shit. I had one of those. They will
knock you the fuck out. Go to the bathroom, you
see yourself. When you hit that ground? Oh, shit,
I'm fucked up. Yeah. Get that butt! Especially
when you walk out there to piss, there's this
dude sitting at the table. Yeah, listen to this.
There's a dude sitting next to the table next
to a werewolf. You're like, oh, shit. Right,
reality. I'm fucked up. Reality sets in. Listen
to this. You would hit this. Get that butt! Come
up on that, get that. Nah, the nigga that's fighting
that B, get the butt. My fuck gone. Pour your
pants down. Pour your drawers down. Open up your
ass and spin your ass. Now your ass a bitch.
Six people line up to come spin your ass. Niggas
will spin your ass. A nigga will grab a motherfucking
soap. Choke your ass out, nigga. Six different
survivors. Killing this bitch. Your ass a bitch.
And the whole jail will know. It's going around.
Man, folks, you have to stand and spit in. Disclaimer,
we wasn't doing that. I wasn't doing that. Monster
in your ass. I wasn't involved in that shit.
Flamin' hot. I wasn't doing that shit. Knock
you out. Spit in your ass. Oh, my God. That sounds
like a lot. Especially up in the trenches. Division
ass. Trenches. Okay. Wow. Two million views.
Just some dude eating fucking Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
Spittin' in asses. Then knocking you out and
spittin' in your butt. I think he got off easy.
Spittin' in your butt's so nice. Yeah. Mean as
opposed to do that now just fucking you in the
ass exactly they don't do that anymore. Is that
what he's saying? Yeah Yeah, it is actually like
a frat. Yeah, we've evolved. This is more. This
is a lot. It's the shorter too, but You don't
want this shit. You getting robbed. I'm going
to fucking rob you of this. Glock Dookie. Glock
Dookie with a switch on that bitch. Nigga, I'm
going to fucking put shit, piss, nut. What's
a switch? Holy shit. You got to have these guys
on the podcast. Yeah, right? That seems like
it would be a lot of fun. Damn, dude. There's
some guy in prison for money laundering, and
he's like. I don't know about this. Take it easy,
fellas. Somebody's got a crest tube filled with
shit and jizz. Get the fuck out of the way, motherfucker.
That's why R. Kelly was singing for everybody.
They had him there like, sing for my kids, please.
Whatever you want. He goes, I don't feel like
it. Don't you feel like it? Or we could go the
other way. He's probably a big star in jail.
They're probably so excited to hang out with
R. Kelly. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, and he gets
to sing. Probably makes it more interesting.
My assholes tell me no. But those Flamin' Hots
fits. But you guys are telling me yay. You guys
tell me it's going to happen. Flamin' Hots. Good
boy. Anybody eating Flamin' Hots is eight. Yeah.
You don't see a president or a CEO eating Flamin'
Hots. Nobody accomplishing anything is munching.
Well, Trump actually might munch Flamin' Hots.
Well, there you go. Didn't Trump replace the
healthy snacks the White House had previously
with some kind of shit? A lot of cheeseburgers.
He had the burgers. He would bring in whoever
won the national championship in football. He'd
bring them in and he'd just get the whole table
filled with fucking burgers. Yeah. From McDonald's?
Yeah, he'd be like, you guys are going to love
McDonald's. He fucking loves McDonald's. He legitimately
loves McDonald's. Diet Coke and McDonald's. So
did Clinton. How is he so healthy? Who? Trump.
Is he healthy? For as old as he is? Yeah, dude.
What are you kidding? He's old as shit. He's
overweight. Donald Trump had McDonald's delivered
to the hospital while he was being treated for
COVID -19. Jesus Christ. What a fat fuck. He's
an animal. I mean, if you're munching McDonald's
in your 70s. Dude, if I eat McDonald's now, I'm
like, what the fuck was that? Dude, I was at
a concert with Soder and his girlfriend, and
he was like, right before the encore, they were
like, we're finished. We'll be back in like 10
minutes. We got to do whatever. LCD Sound says
something. He's like, I got to go. I'm like,
you got to go before the encore? And he goes,
I need a lot of McDonald's. It ruins you. Yeah,
dude. But Trump doesn't drink. No, he doesn't
drink. That definitely takes some of the edge
off, but he's eating pure garbage, sure. Yeah,
but Trump has also never drank, right? Never.
No, really? His brother got fucked up by it,
and he stopped. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Have
you seen the Adam Curtis documentary on how Trump
made his money? No. You've seen it? New York
was like white flight, and then Trump was like,
oh, everything's devalued? Let me buy blocks.
I saw the Adam Curtis. It's the newest one. The
last one was, what was it? It was like, can't
get you out of my head. Oh. It was so good. What
was that about? It was just he – Adam Curtis
explained where we're at and why we're at it.
Yeah. And it was – Have you ever had him on?
I can't explain it. Dude, that is for sure get
Adam Curtis on. Yeah? His documentaries are so
out there and so clear. Century of the Self is
so interesting. What's that? It's about how we
took – Freud's nephew took – stuff he was saying
about psychology, used it for propaganda for
the World War II. And then after World War II
was over, like, well, we can keep using this
propaganda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got to change
the name. They called it PR. And so that everything
is about public image. So that's when advertisements
went from this is a quality product to this will
get your family around you. Oh, yeah, yeah. What
was the one you said? What was the documentary?
It's called Can't Get You Out of My Head, and
it's fucking incredible. It's about how China
uses, like... Oh, with Mao and his wife? They,
they, they, they, they're monitoring everything
you do. You get the social credit score of like,
did you cheat in a video game? Did you, did you
jaywalk? And they, they monitor it. Meanwhile,
the United States is doing kind of the exact
same thing, except they're doing outrage. They're
doing outrage. So like in China, it's like they're,
they're monitoring, but you gotta be a good dude.
You got to do everything correct. It's hyper
-normalization was the one with Trump. Dude,
Rogan, you'll like all these. Century of the
Self, start with that one. I'm fucked up. Start
with that one. I'm going to watch these. They're
amazing. You watch the Adam Curtis talk. Can't
get you out of my head. Oh, I've seen hyper -normalization.
I've seen that. That was really good. You watch
Century of the Self. You watch one episode out
of six or eight. You watch one, then you pause
for like a week and a half and you think about
it. Dude. Here's the hardest part about Adam
Curtis is you watch it. And then you understand
it. And then you try to tell everybody. But you
are dumb. Yeah. I have that with Norm Macdonald.
You ever talk to somebody who doesn't think Norm
Macdonald's funny? And you're like, I don't know
what to do here. He just is. I don't know how
to back off to explain it to you. I never laugh,
though. And you're like, all right. How the fuck
could you watch Norm and not laugh? Because people
don't like him. You have to be stupid, dude.
The taste is so subjective. Not only funny, not
my thing, but just not funny. It's so great.
But to some people, they just have terrible taste.
Yeah. You know, I mean, there's things that people
love that are like, there's people that are like
great fans of those terrible sitcoms where they
can't wait and they want to go see the taping
and some of those really fucking bland bullshit.
Dude, that's Big J. Whenever I have a barbecue,
he's like, I got frozen beef patties for you.
I'm like, what? I got fresh ground beef. He's
like, nah, you want these. I'm like, oh, you
have garbage taste. I support that. I support
that. Of course you do. You get conditioned too.
Is frozen beef that much different? than the
fresh beef patties? Yeah, it's shitty. Come on.
It's garbage. It's shitty. No. It really depends
on how quickly the burger was frozen. If you
get a fresh steak and you grind it and then make
a patty and freeze it and then thaw it out, it's
not going to be any different. That ain't what's
happening. These are fucking mass -made bulk.
Dude, it's a burger. Get a 99 cent 99 cent fucking
burger. We'll do a taste test. I want a burger.
I want a fucking burger right now. Joe, don't
you dare make a fool out of me right now. Fucking
burger. Burger. We'll do a taste test. I would
love burgers, dude. If you wanted to eat a burger
right now, would you go for something that's
good or would you go for something like bullshit?
No, we went to El Camino right across the street.
Great. Then you've got to battle through all
those fucking goths. Yeah. All those freaks making
you shit. The guy's got a fucking mohawk in the
kitchen. Yeah, the kitchen's filled with fucking
freaks. Yeah. And you go to order, and you're
like, I don't want these guys around my... No
gloves. And then they give you your food, and
you're like, damn, that's the best food I've
ever had. You're all right. Yeah, you're okay.
Nice job. Freaks. They look like the bad guys
in Street Fighter. Yes. They come out of the
bar just like, who ordered? How about that fucking
waiter? Fucking Mark. Mark's got a gay gluten
allergy, so he put the... I'm trying it off bread.
Mark's gay as hell, so he put the bun in his
beer. Just like if there's a sip of beer left,
I threw the bun in there to get rid of it. He
comes over. The waiter comes over to grab empties,
and he's like... what the fuck is this? And it
was like, don't be a waiter. Yeah, right? Why
is there a little bread in the bottle? He didn't
like it. I should have said don't be a waiter,
dude. I apologize to all the waiters. You dumbasses.
I heard nothing but good things about those burgers.
Dude, El Camino's. Great burger. Perfect. Hey,
let's have a taste of this next barbecue I have.
We'll do one of those Big J frozen patties versus
a real ground beef grade A. I swear to God there
will be zero difference. Do you know how to cook
a burger? Are you good at it? No. No. No, he
cannot. But DeRosa came over and was cooking.
He was cooking at my place. I love DeRosa's fucking
sandwich shop. I get hungry looking at his Instagram.
You got to go next time you're there. It's so
good. We'll go together. It's so good. It looks
amazing. Holy shit. Joey Rose's. Economical.
Oh, yeah. It's an $8 sandwich. That should be
like in New York, 14, 15. It's a big ass fucking
sandwich. It looks good. Those sanguiches? Perfect.
That's my favorite one. That's my favorite one.
That peanut butter, jelly, and potato chips is
my favorite one. Oh, that's bad news. Damn, that
looks good. That killed Ralphie Moore. That's
good news. And then DeRosa will make you do Coke.
Yeah, well, he puts it on the bun. You eat some
fucking peanut butter and jelly hoagie, and he's
like, come on, dude, let's do Coke. Wait till
I'm done with the sandwich. He likes to Coke?
No, no, he doesn't. He likes it around the bros.
When the bros are there. He likes to do Coke?
When the dogs are there. That's why he opened
the bar. It's a coke den. So it's a sandwich
shop slash bar? Exactly. Is he doing a lot of
stand -up now, or is he just busy? He's out.
He's back out. He's opening for Sal on his tour
a lot. He's back, fully back. So he just has
people work the club or his bar? He was kind
of right. When he stopped. He was like, shit
sucks right now. Before he had a draw. He was
right about that. He had his draw now because
him and Sal were doing that Taste Buds podcast.
But before that, he goes, what's the benefit
of doing stand -up in this world where everyone's
attacking everybody when I'm not going to make
thousands of dollars on the road? I would fight
him on that. I would always be like, now's when
it's actually good. Necessary. But he goes, your
whole career's over for what? For a $25 spot?
It's not worth it. And I'm like, I get what you're
saying. But he was worried about saying something
that was going to get him in trouble. Yeah, because
it's nonstop. I think it's a little bit of the
worried about saying something. But he's always
been friends with all the left people. Uh -huh.
Like, all the people that lost their fucking
minds, he was boys with them. Really? I was friends
with a lot of them, too. Of course. But he's
also friends with Kumia. Yeah, exactly. Is he?
DeRosa's a... He was. DeRosa's just... He's friendly.
He just likes everybody. He's a nice guy. He's
a nice guy. That shit fucked him up. When everybody
split and acted like psychos, that fucked him
up. Really? And he was like, I don't want to
do stand -up for this shit. It's supposed to
be for fun and everyone's attacking each other.
This is what it's supposed to be. It's strange.
Yeah, if you're Segura making fucking doctor
money every show, then it's like... Sure, for
you to do it, it makes sense. Yeah. Who went
harder after Will Smith than Segura? I know.
Jesus tweets. I was impressed. The bitch was
bald. But it was more that. She's been cheating
on you and been fucking around. Oh, I didn't
see that. He defended stand -up like he should,
like we all should. Like a gangster. Damn. Yeah,
but it was just, he went hard. And he was totally
right. Totally right. That's the thing. He was
out there saying it. It was just 100 % truth.
And everybody had to sit back. Do you not think
stand -up is an art form? Then sure, okay, fight
people. But then you don't respect us at all.
We're not here for us. For you. You're here for
us. And he can say it because he's bald. He is
bald. Bring it on. Some crazy shit. Crazy shit
watching that happen. I still can't believe it's
real. Even watching that video. It's nutty. It's
nutty. It's the biggest event in a long time.
So much of it is like... Yeah, definitely. It
just sucks for Chris Rock. Sucks for Chris Rock.
It's not fair at all. He's so fucking... I know,
but you gotta be humiliated on television. But
still, it's like he's a... Dude, he's a legend.
Yeah. He still is, but... No, he's a legend,
and then that shit happens. The way he handled
it, though, I don't think he lost any stock.
I mean, the man is standing there. Guy walks
up to him, smacks him in the head, and he's still
playing it off like it was a joke. Oh, he goes,
whoa, what the fuck? Will Smith just smacked
the shit out of me. And I think they were going
to laugh it off. And then when he got serious,
he was like, keep my wife's name out of your
fucking mouth. And he said, really? Don't say
of. Don't say of because he didn't. Out your
fucking mouth. And then he said, really? He goes,
yes. It's like, what are you even talking about?
And then he yells it again. Keep my wife's name
out your fucking mouth. And it's like, wow. I'm
going to. I'll tell you, as someone who's been
slapped, it doesn't hurt. So it's an odd thing
where it's like, you struck me, but there's no.
Pain associated with it. It's a disrespectful
thing. It's disrespectful. It's like, what are
you doing? Everybody here has been slapped? Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Definitely. I cry. Every time I got
slapped, I've cried. I cried once when I got
slapped. Definitely. If somebody slaps me, I
will cry. I always go, why would you do that?
Yeah. I did nothing but nice to you. Why would
you slap me? Exactly. It's just the thing, though.
If we're comics, though, it's like we're holding
a weapon. Where's your arm out? I know. I'm sure
the worst part was he would have loved to. Uh
-oh. I'm fucked up. What did you say? I said
we're holding a weapon. We're holding a weapon.
The microphone. Yeah. So we can make fun of people.
Shane, get him. Dude. Shane, come on. Come to
the beer. I'll have another beer. Great. You
want two? Remember that part in Once Upon a Time
in Hollywood where Brad Pitt's fighting fucking
Bruce Lee and he's like. If I hit a guy and he
dies, my hands are considered lethal weapons.
And he's like, yeah, that's how it works. Yeah.
You're like, oh, yeah, our mouths are weapons.
Everybody's mouth is a fucking weapon, dude.
No, a trained stand -up comic, a three -year
stand -up comic is like, oh, you don't know what
you're dealing with. I don't know, man. In that
moment when he got smacked, it didn't seem like
he knew what to do. No, he had one moment. He's
not in a club. There's a clear moment of clarity
where he's like, ooh. I should go at him, but
then he pulled back. There's one part after he
gets slapped where he goes, I could. He literally
says, I could. But he knows he's in the belly
of the beast of Hollywood. And the thing is,
the things you would say at a club on that stage
would get you, you'd be like, you dumb fucking
bitch of a what? And it's like, hey, you're sexist.
So being quiet was the ultimate best move. We
all wanted him to say shit. Professionally. He
played it right. Imagine if he just went full
stand -up. Just full. We all wanted him at least
to go, fuck you or fuck the system. I'm out.
And the joke was obvious. It's keep my names.
Or my wife's name out of your mouth. It's so
easy to just write. The dick's out of your mouth.
Keep her fucking pussy out of other dudes' mouths.
Also, Ali, Concussion. There's so many movies
he could have referenced. But Chris Rock is a
written comic. He goes over real material really
well, so he's not like a riffer. Like, Big Jay
is a different experience. Sure. But I'm sure
he had some B -Squad jokes back in his pocket.
I mean, I could do it, and he could do it. Yeah,
exactly. If I knew what I could say. This ain't
a normal comic. This is Chris Rock. He would
eviscerate him. He's from Bed -Stuy. He's got
nine brothers. Yeah, if it was at a comedy club.
It would be gloves off. Isn't it also an indication
that that's a bad place to do comedy? Of course.
It's a corporate gig. Yeah. What's the upside?
That's exactly what it is. Am I even allowed?
What if you get a heckler at a fucking Lexus
convention? Can you go off on them? Right. What
do you do? I got heckled opening for Seinfeld.
My hands were tied. I was like, easy there, numbskull.
I couldn't say anything because you have to be
clean. I went to visit Nate. He was doing a corporate.
for whatever some company in Vegas so I went
and it was like shitty it's all these fucking
workers there with each other and it's like a
bad gig and then when he gets off he's like let's
go play a private table like that's just for
money let's go have fun you did you open with
Nate no I went to hang out with him I was gonna
say I went to hang out with him it was Nate and
Kathleen Madigan and like a magician and Wayne
Brady oh wow Wayne Brady probably cleanest of
the clean I haven't heard that guy's name in
a long time. What's he doing? Shared a manager
for a while. I bet he murders. He seems like
a fun guy. He was great on Chappelle's show.
That's what I'm saying. He was fun on that. He
could make fun of himself. What is he doing?
Oh, you know what he does? There's a show. Let's
make a deal. That show, Let's Make a Deal. Oh,
he's still doing that? Wow, he's been doing that
for like 15 years then, right? That's good money.
No, no, no. When it started, I was working in
a car garage in Philly. Quit bragging. And it
was always on the TV. Every morning, that show,
dude. I watched that show every day. Oh, yeah?
For three years, I watched that fucking show.
Yeah. I'd be like, I gotta make a change to my
life. I used to watch Price is Right every day.
How long has he been on that show? It's not been
that long. I want to say it's 15 years. I bet
it's eight or seven. Is it still going? Yeah,
they do. I think they might have even started
doing it in Vegas. Well, pull it up. It started
in 2009. I bet he's a good hang. Oh, okay. I'll
tell you a story. 12 years. 13 years. This is
not happening. So it was my job to go over with
the comedians. Like, hey, what are you doing?
Do you need help? Do you need me to come watch
your set and give you tips and stuff and say
where there's weak spots, where there's not?
Real comics, I wouldn't. Not even real comics.
Like, Norman, I'm like, you're covered. Diaz
was like, whatever you want, man. Just come in.
Here's the time to be there. But some guys, you
go over them. What are you doing? Especially
people who don't know the show. So I had to call
him. They were like, he can only do a call this
time. And I called him. I was like, hey, glad
you're doing the show. Thank you. So this is
the show. I don't know. Do you have experience
with live performance? He goes, do you know who
the fuck I am? Yeah, I do live performance. And
then he pulled out of it. That's fair, though.
He pulled out of the show. He was like, I'm not
doing this. Really? I was like, he was never
going to try. Yeah. You pulled out of the show
because you asked him if you've ever done live
performance? I was nervous. I was nervous to
talk to him. I was like, I liked you on Whose
Line Is It Anyway? I don't know. But that was
live performance. How could you imagine that
he doesn't do live performance? Because I guess
he does live shows. He does improv and stuff.
I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm just
trying to say, like, it started. So I'm like,
so here's the show. You can say whatever you
want. Wow. I'll protect you with the editing.
And he got mad. He was not in the mood. You could
just tell he was like. You know the stories when
you're on the road of, like, who's the worst
at morning radio? You ask the person taking you,
and they're like, oh, this guy hates it. And
you're like, oh, they hate it because they think
they're bigger than this. It was like, he doesn't
want to talk to some guy he's never heard of
about how to do his fucking... I think you missed
out there, because I bet he'd have... Wouldn't
it be great to hear some crazy story about him
getting cracked on his ass or something? Yeah,
your stupid fucking question ruined everything.
Nice going, dumbass. Have you tried to bring
that show back somewhere else? After I do this
next special, I feel like I'm going to do it.
How good was that? Killer. How good was that
storytelling show? At the Gramercy? So I like
to do a secret lineup where it's like every time
I give you a great show. Tell the lineup. Tell
the people at home. So first out the gate, I
was like, all right, here's a great show. I haven't
sold out Gramercy just on this is the show. It's
coming back. What was the date? What was the
date? February 15th. February, something like
that. February, February. Yeah. And I was like,
all right, guys, I do my story. I always try
to go up top, do something strong. And then I
was like, all right, please welcome first comic,
Shane Gillis. They don't know what they're getting.
Right. And they were just like, bah! Dude, and
that was the fun part because, like, I'm not
used to a pop. So, like, that pop, I was like,
oh, this is going to be fun. I passed you. I
was like, right? I know. Wow. Yeah. Even the
Asians went nuts. It was Shane Gillis. Who was
next? Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon. Oh, shit. Yeah.
Chris DiStefano. Oh, shit. I'm missing somebody.
Sal Vulcano had to step in because Norman had
to fucking run away to a spot and come back.
Sorry. I had to get a spot in. It was around
the corner. So crazy. So crazy. You won that
fucking Vespa thing? No, that got stolen. Again?
Well, fun fact, by the way. Just to interject
here. That got stolen. My friend found it. In
Chinatown, covered up. I saw the video. He stole
it back. Of course. He walked it to the police
station. I picked it up a week later from the
police station. I was on the road. And the guy
goes, it's like eight cops milling about. He
goes, you sound familiar. And I go, yeah, you
know. He goes, are you on Legion of Skanks? I
go, oh, yeah, a few times. He goes, we love Legion
of Skanks. All the cops do this shit. They're
doing the hand motion. They're doing the symbol.
What is the hand symbol? It's this. It's like.
Skank hands. It's skank hands. I don't know.
It's their logo. What is skank hands? What does
that mean? It's a Legion of Skanks logo. Dude.
Imagine it. There you go. Oh, OK. NYP. What the
fuck are you wearing, dude? Do you have a shirt
on? A Legion of Skanks shirt? Yeah. I got my
first shirt from Skate Fest 1. Damn, he was sweating.
There you go. You fool. He gets belligerent when
he gets drunk. 13 beers in. 13 beers in. What
are you guys talking about, dude? I'm just trying
to have a good time. There it is. Oh, he's going
to hate this. Oh, pedophile shirt. Yeah. I sold
these at Skankfest 1. Wow. They sold like hotcakes.
They really did. But yeah, so we got the bike
back. But yeah, yeah. I was always on foot that
night. Wait, who else was on that show? DeStefano?
Samaril. Samaril. And somebody else. You, Sal
jumped in for you. DeStefano. And then we closed
it out. That's a great fucking show. Ari Shaffir's
Renamed Storyteller Show is back, and it was
a banger. So that's what you've been running
with, Renamed Storyteller Show. Who knows what
I'll call it, but we should do it again. Maybe
at the new club, Joe. It was so good. Let's do
it. Hitting them with a fucking no lineup every
time to pop. Because they'd be happy with just
a good show. And then they get a guy, not only...
A guy they know, but an amazing comic that they
know. Right. Yeah. It's so fun to hear that pop
in the audience, to give that audience, like,
hey, thanks for coming. Here's your reward. And
I thought the story I told, I was like, I don't
know if this is funny. And then it killed, and
I was like, oh, nice. It's a closer. Now I got
a closer. Now you got a bit. Yeah. I told Tim
also. Tim had a great one. And then we did a
Q &A at the end, and Sal went in the crowd with
a mic and was asking people questions. It was
awesome. It was awesome. It all worked out. It
all came together. Nice. Yeah, Tim, after that,
called our agent. We had the same agent. And
he was like, hey, get me in the Gramercy more.
Yeah. And then Tim showed us his Long Island
house. How many seats is the Gramercy? 400. Oh,
it's perfect. It's perfect. 425. Yeah. We were
talking last night, like, if you had to choose
between you could do an arena anytime you want
or you could do a 500 -seat room for the rest
of time. Not 500. 280. Yeah, but, I mean, like,
that's as big as you can get. You can never get
any bigger than 500. Or you could do arenas,
but only arenas. I would say no way. No way what?
Don't we ever do only arenas? Arenas are wild.
It's not comedy. It's comedy. Well, it's a presentation
more. It's a different style. It's not a vibe.
It's not an interaction. What have you done arenas
-wise? Did the garden. A couple times. Who'd
you do that with? Schumer, Louie. That's a pretty
good answer. And then I did Carnegie Hall. That
was awesome. The most iconic. Yeah, I did the
Forum. All right, all right. Yeah, the fucking
hockey arena in Detroit. I've done a good run.
You just don't like it as much. No, no. It's
cool. It's a cool experience. I did a show with
O 'Neal. We did the Vic in Chicago. I'll be back
in June. How is that? And you'll be there, too.
I'm there in June. You'll be there the day before
me. Hey! June 17th, June 18th. I'll promote.
Okay, thanks. Come back to this old guy. We sold
it out like three days before. Come see this
fucking dead geezer. And they go, do you want
to do another one? I'm like, there's no time.
There's no time to sell another one. So instead
we did Zany's, which is like an 80 -seat room.
So we went from that 1 ,200 -seat room to an
80 -seat room. It was so wildly different. It
was so interesting, the change. Well, this has
changed just from the rooms in the store. Just
the 400 in the main room, 190 in the OR, and
then 90 upstairs. Yeah, true. Big fucking difference
in the way it feels. The thing about those 90
-seat rooms, it's like a truth serum. You find
out what's bullshit in your act. You can kind
of get away with a lot of nonsense when there's
a large crowd. That's true. When it's a small
crowd. Everything that you say that sounds insincere
sounds like fucking dirt crumbling out of your
mouth. It just seems terrible. Oh, yeah. There's
no fluidity to it. It just seems like shit. I
think I said this on the last ep, but the booze
is kicking. No one remembers. I saw Bill Burr
do a bit in the belly room, and it was like,
eh. And then he went to the OR, and it did okay.
And then he did it in the main room, and it...
killed, but he tweaked it the whole way. And
it was like a master class in comedy. So Bursette
Amiro is in New York. He goes, if you use that
right, you're going to see how crazy good it
is for you. Yeah. All in one building. Amazing.
You do six shows in a night and you just like
tweak, tweak, tweak, tweak, tweak until it's
like there. Yeah. Right away you get the fucking
reps. This is a gay Burr story. This is funny,
though. I love a gay Burr. Is he spitting his
ass? No, it's about me. Oh, okay. He's spitting
yours? It's more of a me thing. Correct. Of all
the dudes I met, like, after you get canceled
by, and, like, people know your name, they've
never seen you. Yeah. Chappelle, like, we went
and hung out. Like, everybody, Louis, we all
hung out and talked. Burr was the one guy, he
went and saw me do, he followed me at the stand.
The only thing he said to me, I got done to go,
ah, you're funny, you're going to be fine. It
was like fully, fully like he watched it to be
like, who is this guy? I've heard of him. As
soon as I walked in that tiny hallway at the
stand, he goes, ah, you're funny, you're going
to be fine. That's huge. It was like, oh, fuck.
He told Jay when Jay was like, couldn't afford
to go to the Maui Festival because like he couldn't
afford to miss in -town spots for the 200 bucks
he was making. Maui? Maui had a festival? Yeah,
one year. It was great. That's where we saw that
fight. Yeah. But Chambers was at the end of his
rope. He's like, how am I not making, you know,
he's as funny as he is. And he's like, I'm barely
getting by. And Burr had to calm down. He's like,
dude, the pendulum will swing to alt. It'll swing
back. And when it swings back to mainstream,
you will be so prepared. Yeah. It's true. That's
what happened. There you go. It's doing great
now. It happens. Funny tends to win. Funny is
like, yeah, bottom line. It's also your ability
to promote funny is so much different than ever
before. Yeah. With social media. There's all
these channels. You remember the old days we
used to do morning radio? You had to. You had
to. They didn't know you were in town. There
was only one way for them to find out you were
in town. You had to do Chucky and Bucky's fucking
morning shit bucket. Yeah. I'm still doing those.
I am too. Do they work? No. Some markets. Never.
Some markets work. Everybody always says some
markets. I mean, Burt does them. Yeah, but Burt
does everything. No, there's a few that still
work. You have to ask them, like, does this actually
move tickets? And they go, I don't know. Then
no. I did Rochester. I did the, what's it called,
the Blue Room? No, that's in Missouri. Rochester's
Carlson. The Comedy of the Carlson. So I did
it. They made me do a fucking Zoom. I did that
too. Dude, I did a Zoom to local news. They're
like, Sean Gillis. And I was just in my hotel
room like, hey. It was so bad. Sean Gillis. And
I was like, this will never work. This will never
work. We get to the club. The owner's there.
The first thing I said on stage, I was like,
how many of you guys saw me on fucking WKPM?
Not one. And I was like, can we stop doing it?
Right. And he was like, yeah, for sure. Never
again. It's silly. Dude, I had to do local news
on a Zoom, hung over in a chair. You know the
chair in the hotel room? Yeah. The disgusting
office chair. The greatest thing that ever happened
to those TV shows was when Tom Segura came up
with that DJ dad mouth. Yeah. It would show up
because he had already sold out all his shows.
That was when Tom was starting to pop. So they
made him do it anyway because it was contractually
obligated to have the comics show up at the TV
show. So he would show up with a gold chain on
and come out as non -binary. They didn't know
what to do with him. You ever see those? I have,
yeah. He's like, I'm not using you to sell tickets.
I'm using you to sell tickets next year. This
will be on YouTube. You got some great ones.
Oh, yeah, Norman has some great ones. Norman
on local news. I had a good run off that. You
shared it. Appreciate it. Yeah, you had some
good ones. That one helped me a lot. I've done
all these Conans and late nights. Not a needle
moved. That thing. Big pop, dude. Yeah, those
things, those late night things don't work anymore.
Tracy Morgan is one of those iconic clips. Yeah.
Everybody's about to get pregnant. Right. It's
like, I don't even know when we get pregnant.
Yeah. Slap in the stomach. Dude, Bobby Lee, too.
Oh, yeah. I mean, you guys, Burt, every time
Burt would take off his shirt, those things,
I mean, he sells a lot of tickets. The crazy
thing about Burt and the shirt thing is. Nobody
can take their shirt off on stage now. He owns
that. Yeah. True. He owns that. Of course. Damn.
He owns that. If Shane, if you just started,
oh, I'm going to start taking my shirt off on
stage. I'm more comfortable that way. Burt would
get mad at you. Shane would never. He'd go, hey.
Hey, that's my idea. I'm not built like Burt,
dude. That's true. Burt's an Adonis. I'd be like
a sloppy Fett. Right. Take your shirt off and
be like, people would be like, nah. Yeah, this
is upsetting. Do you think Burt is not a sloppy
fat? No, no, no. He's a hard fat. No, he's an
absolute hard fat. He looks pregnant. That's
just alcohol. Yeah. It's pushed out as far as
I can go. I got St. Leach's packed in. I think
if he wasn't fat, he would be in worse shape.
He would be in worse health. Sorry, I'm drunk.
He'd be in worse health. I think the fat is like
helping him. Get one more. Get one more whiskey.
You should be a doctor. I think if he was thin,
he'd be ruined. You're right. I think you're
doing good, Phat. I think Phat is where you shine.
Oh, boy. Look out for the big girls. They're
coming. 14 beers in. I am astounded. He's crazy,
dude. He's going to destroy Australia. He's going
to bury the whole country. You're going to have
a blast. It's fun. UK in May. See how they drink.
That should be fun. This is all light beer, dude.
The second we switch to like IPAs. Oh, IPAs are
evil. Dude, I black out after like two. Yeah,
me too. Immediately. How much alcohol is in a
light beer? Nothing. I thought it was a calorie
thing. Is it alcohol by volume as well? That's
water. Yeah. I don't know. Dude, you can't drink
14 anythings. You can. I can't drink 14 Pepsis.
How the fuck can you drink 14 of those, man?
That's a good point. It's a lot of water. That's
a lot of... Yeah, I might have diabetes. I probably
do have diabetes. If you drank 14 waters, it
would be a lot. I'll never check. I'll never
go to the doctor. Don't check if you have diabetes.
I'm never going to the doctor. Don't go. That's
how you get diabetes is by checking. Yeah, dude.
You ever see Warren Zevon go on Letterman? No.
I like him. Yeah, I never went to the doctor.
I showed up once. They were like, you got lung
cancer. He was like, fuck the doctors. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah. I mean, dude, I went to an allergist
because I knew I was going to get fucked up.
The last three years I get. destroyed by allergies.
I get in there, they check my blood pressure,
they're like, you alright? I was like, what the
fuck is this, dude? That's the worst part about
going to the doctor. They're like, how much do
you weigh? 240? They're like, alright, let's
weigh you. Why don't you ask me after? 268? It's
like, alright. I was fibbing. Hey, Bert told
me he'd finally give me the fucking Molly cast
to release. The who? The MDMA cast. You're going
to let that out? Yeah, he said he'd give it to
me and let me put it up. I don't think he's giving
you that. Is it his show? He recorded it, yeah.
He's not giving you that. Molly rules. Is he
forgiving you for all that? He has, but he still
loves to fucking say how fucking victimized he
was on every podcast he goes on. A dork. I'm
bummed I missed that hang. I got caught in traffic.
We had a dose for you. Yeah. Were you going to
dose him without telling him, too? Yeah. How
would you have felt about that? I was hanging
out in L .A. I'm on vacation. So you're fine
getting dosed? Yeah. Bring it on. Now you know.
Yeah, if you get hit with Molly, it's like, oh,
shit, you just hit me with the best time of all
time. You're getting Molly from Ari who's getting
it from some comic who's probably getting it
from a gangbanger. For sure. Who knows what's
in it? You get it from Kate Quigley. I'll take
it. It's not like I've never done Molly. I get
it from the best. Where are you getting your
Molly from? Are you testing it for purity? The
best source in New York. I do it once a year.
I do it once a month. Once a month? Easy there,
old man. I was doing it over COVID. I was doing
it once every two weeks. Come on! We're doing
it all the time. I was doing a show at Helium.
I remember that. Yeah, you did Molly at that.
You did Molly at a show? Yeah, that was bad.
Every time. I had to get out of there. It was
the first time I ever did Molly, and Jay brought
me back on stage. And, dude. It was ugly. So
we all did Molly, and they kind of peer pressured
us into doing it. And Jay, I took Molly. I was
like, I never take Molly in my life. Shane goes
for it. Shane will go for it. And Jay was like,
Shane, come back out on stage. As soon as he
said that, I was in the green room. Dude, it
hit. Immediately. I went on stage just like sweating.
I was like, guys, I can't even talk. Yeah. I
was like, I genuinely I can't speak. I remember
that. I was like, guys, I'm on. ecstasy. But
that was the best. I'm spitting coffee on myself.
Sloss got a Kai Humphries. He's Scottish, Northern
English comics and he dosed him with Molly and
they're watching him on stage host his show and
they're just watching him get more and more fucked
up and be like, oh, what a great show. You guys
are amazing. This is the best show of all time.
And he gets off stage and they're all ready to
laugh and he goes, you idiots, you think this
is the first time I've been dosed with Molly?
You don't think I know what's in my system suddenly?
It's been so long. That was years ago when I
did it. Was it two years ago, three years ago?
No, it was COVID. It was two years ago, okay.
I took a bus ride home that night. That was the
craziest thing on earth. That you didn't stay
over. I just panicked. I get it. Because we were
surrounded by Jay's minions. Yes. So it was like,
all right, let's get the fuck out. Anytime I
took Molly at that show, I would go sit in the
manager's office by myself. Right. Anytime I
took Molly at that show was a hilarious statement.
How many times did you take Molly? Many times,
yes. Many times, no. It was a great show. It
was such a good show. It was a good show. And
the bus ride was great. And we were the only
ones doing it. Because it was in the middle of
COVID. Right. Helium would just let us do it.
And Grossum was like, stay. Stay as long as you
want. Oh, dude. We would stay until 5 a .m. What
was he doing? Was he testing people? Was he just
letting anybody in? How did he do it? What's
that? At Helium during the middle of COVID? No,
dude. I don't think testing. If you could fill
it up. Space it out. Yeah, you space it out.
That shit does not work at all. Not at all. No
glass or anything. That six feet thing, that's
so crazy. You get 180 people indoors going, ha,
ha. It's like, how's that going to work? That
was disproven. Totally disproven later. Yeah,
but there was also, there was no precedent. There
was no like - Wow, for sure. Do you guys have
vaxes? There was no vax. Dude, we were just -
When time goes by and we look back on the time
during COVID of standup and trying to do standup
during COVID and what Burt did when he did the
drive -in theaters and what we all did with podcasts
and it's fucking crazy. Rooftops. Rooftops. The
New York City like five to 10 year comic scene.
just said, we're not going away. We'll create
shows. In L .A., they wouldn't let them. They
wouldn't let them do outside shows. It's one
of the worst things about the way they handled,
you know, for comedy, the pandemic. They wouldn't
even let them do outside shows. It's like they
were trying to kill comedy. Right. I thought,
I don't know, when New York did the whole fucking
upstairs show, like rooftop shows, it was like,
I'll just do the road. I'll just go do the states.
The states that don't care. Yeah, I did both.
Florida, Texas. New York Comedy Club's rooftop
was great. Tiny Cupboard was great. Well, I did
Texas in July of 2020 with Brian Moses and Hinchcliffe.
We did the improv in Houston. It was fucking
great. And we were flying back, and we were like,
you know what? We're back. Fuck this. We're doing
comedy. But then I got back to my podcast studio,
and I got super duper high. And I thought, oh,
my God, what if I killed somebody? What if I
gave COVID a shot? Of course. Nice person who
came on my show, and I give it to them like it's
too risky. And they give it to their dad. No
fucking way. Yeah. But then they started having,
like, real testing. And then testing came around.
And when we came here, we have nurses. You know
you're not a nurse. We test every fucking day.
And then we did these shows at Stubbs, the outside
shows. And the outside shows that I was doing
with Dave were fucking amazing. And I was like,
wow, this is a way we could do comedy. We could
do it this way. Everybody gets tested. We have
a COVID bubble. But then we did one show at the
Vulcan on a Thursday night in December. And it
was packed. There was no social distancing. Everybody
was hammered. It was like a regular show. And
Ron White went up there and fucking murdered.
He hadn't done any comedy in like eight months.
He was saying he was retired. Basically, I'm
retired. I'm going to sail my boat. I'm going
to sail my plane. I'm going to fucking play golf.
Like, you know, he's a shit ton of money. He's
done it all. And he's like, I'm done. And then
Tony was like, we're going to do this show Thursday
night. You should come on. Just do a set. Just
do 10 minutes. Ron White goes up there and. annihilates
annihilates and then i'm walking towards the
stage i was after him he grabs me by shoulder
he goes we're gonna keep doing this no matter
what the happens we're gonna keep doing that
was the best part that was the best part of covert
it was like you go into like the first time i
did a full room was hyenas yeah in texas because
i was up i was up north where it was all and
then you go to hyenas and you walk into a room
and you're like You're scared? Yes. You're like,
holy shit, this is crazy. Yes. Like, I'm not
afraid of COVID, but like... You guys are fucking
crazy. When we did Vulcan, Vulcan was the perfect,
because it was jammed. It was like 290 people
in there, low ceiling, a lot of fucking hard
surfaces, so the echo. I was like, oh, my God,
this is way better than outside comedy. Yeah,
of course. Outside comedy is bullshit. But we
knew that before COVID, and then during COVID,
we were like, no, outside's pretty good. No.
I saw Burr outside in Dripping Springs in the
middle of the pandemic, and he fucking killed.
It was awesome. It was hilarious. People were
happy to be. out too I was happy to be out it
was a great show don't get me wrong but that
same show put a roof over it people would have
had fucking strokes forget about it we were all
hanging out at Central Park once you might have
been there with List and everything and Louie
showed up and Sarah Joseph's wife had to go across
Central Park to do an outside show under a tree
I remember that and he goes I just can't Louis
was like, I can't just inside where the laughs
are bouncing off. I just want that back. You
wouldn't do Hamilton outside. It just doesn't
work. It's any performance. It's not just comedy.
I did those parking lot shows where they'd flash
the beams and then they'd honk. If you really
killed, you got the wipers. But they were brutal.
But you just had to get out of the house. You
had to kind of do comedy. It's better than no
comedy. Exactly. The best thing was at the stand,
the front patio, you guys all did it, right?
Yeah. And it was just like. The show was whatever,
but then afterwards was hanging out with the
tail and you guys just staying out there for
four hours to like, oh, we're friends again.
Yeah, but all you had to do was the road. Right.
And you would never, dude, I was in states that
didn't care. Texas, Florida. Dude, all of it.
Florida never cared. Florida never cared once.
And then I would drive or fly home, and then
all of a sudden you'd land and be like, oh, shit.
There's a pandemic. Yeah, exactly. Like you would
land and be like, oh, this is scary. But meanwhile,
you look at like Florida, where you adjust for
age, they didn't do any worse than anybody else
did that locked down. Yeah. It's a respiratory
illness. People get it. They're going to get
it. The best thing anybody could have ever done
is like take care of yourself and seek medical
help immediately upon catching it. Get a good
doctor. Get good treatment if you're lucky. This
is all pre -vaccination, right? But blocking
people down didn't do shit. It didn't help. But
you got to give New York, New York's an exemption.
Fuck New York. You heard me. I'm not offended.
It was the worst city in the world. I don't give
a fuck. Fuck New York. LA was just as bad. At
least New York let you do outside shows already.
No, but LA was worse. I'm saying in like March
or April of 2020, it was the worst city for COVID
in the world. So it was like, oh shit. Just the
numbers were crazy there. Well, yeah, because
China was like, no, we're done with COVID. And
so it was like, oh, shit. What are we going to
do? So I get why it was on our minds, but then
we started doing outside shows. Yeah, but also
New York, if at the beginning New York was like,
fuck it, it's not real. You know how many old
fucking Jews would have died? Way worse. That
would have been a hell. It's funny you said that
because the Orthodox Jewish community. Hasidic.
Hasidic. They didn't give a shit. They didn't
stop doing anything. They were partying, dude.
They were getting arrested. They kept inbreeding.
It wasn't Orthodox or just the Hasidics? Hasidics.
Orthodox, no, they weren't doing anything. The
Hasidics were the one group in New York that
were like, no. No, yeah. It's so weird because
they try to make it a redneck thing, but then
there's also these other spots. don't quite fit
in, Hasidics or the Crystal people in like Berkeley,
you know, who are like also anti -vaxxers. The
hippies. You try to make it one thing or like
the Joe Rogan fans are all meatheads. Like, no,
no, no. There's psychedelic heads and there's
meatheads and there's all these different styles.
You want to make it one thing, but it's not.
No, no. We do that. We try to put everything
in a bin. That's the internet. Well, that was
highlighted in that movie, The Social Dilemma.
I mean, what's going on with this division that
people are experiencing right now? Right, right.
We were talking about what happened during the
pandemic when everybody was at each other's throats.
That's part of it is that what you said is perfect,
that now they're forced to be online. They're
online way more, so it's hitting them even harder.
So you end, you got the anxiety of the pandemic,
and then you got a lot of people's careers were
disappearing, a lot of people's livelihood, all
their savings. And then you're worried about
dying from a fucking infectious disease that
was probably made in a lab. You're like, holy
shit. Is this real? Let me ask you a question
I've never got. It's also fun to say probably.
Yeah, when I hear about this. It was. We can
say it's made in a lab. We can't say it's made
in a lab. Now we can say it's made in a lab.
Now you can. What is the benefit or negative
of being able to say it's in a lab or not? I'll
answer that. Here's the truth. If you say it
was made in a lab, somebody needs to be held
accountable. And the dudes that are in power
that should be held accountable are like, no,
no, no, no, no, no. That's the only reason? Some
Chinese guy ate a fucking armadillo. No, there's
no solid direct proof. There's a lot of anecdotal
evidence. There's a lot of evidence. There's
a lot of... emails back and forth. There's a
lot of shit that points to that lab in Wuhan.
A lot of shit. There's a lot of lying about what
is and what isn't gain -of -function research
and whether or not they were doing it and whether
or not they were funding it. They most fucking
certainly were. And they continue to fund it.
What do liberals have to gain by saying it was
not made in Wuhan? Because it's on the team.
Their team at the top is Fauci, who's absolutely
connected to the lab that made the fucking thing.
But then they call it racist. if you call it
the Kung Flu or whatever, but then Asian people
are getting beat up and nobody talks about that.
Well, because it's black people beating up the
Asians. Black homeless people. Exactly. It's
like, do you really care? I don't want to ruin
Chappelle's joke. Do you ever hear that one?
Which one? He's like, I got COVID in my immune
system. His immune system was black dudes. And
the COVID came in and it was Asians. Oh, fuck.
Well, I mean, that was the joke. The amount of
violence that has escalated in cities like New
York. I mean, the amount of violence that's escalated
in New York is off the charts, right? It's, like,
way higher than it's ever been in the last, like,
10 years or so. But I'm saying there's a lot
of that. Austin. Performative shit. Murders are
up in Austin at record levels. Austin's out of
control, dude. It's these fucking, they have
gang shootings. Really? Yeah, on 6th Street,
dude. What? I think crime across the country
is way up, and New York crime is up at a lower
rate than the rest of the country. They just
hit random fucking dudes. New York is at a lower
rate of rise than the rest of the country? Lower
rate of rise, yeah. It's higher, but not as high
as other places. Really? Los Angeles is off the
charts. With gang? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, not just gang. It's just break -ins, you
know, people robbing people. How about those
San Francisco lootings, like the group lootings?
Dude, you just walk into a fucking Gucci. Yeah.
Flash mob. Wow, what a great idea. Good for them.
And then you're a security guard. You're like...
Fuck it. This is what I used to say after the
broken shows in Calgary. I was like, hey guys,
they won't let you smoke weed, but if you all
light up, they can't do shit. How are they going
to stop you? Stop the show. That's what they'll
do. Yeah, the weird thing is that they didn't
anticipate that people would just walk into Walgreens
and steal $900 worth of shit if you make it illegal
to steal $1 ,000. If you make it public. It's
just like, hey, here's the limit. You don't think
it out. Those kiosks where they have internet
access and stuff like that, like, oh, this is
cool. Tourists can be able to plug in their phone
and get internet access, and it's like, oh, it's
just a homeless encampment. We didn't consider
that. But again, it's a performance because you
say you care about people. When the rubber meets
the road, fat people are dying, but you can't
say lose weight. So it's just this weird thing
of do you care or not? If you really cared. The
left is the party of the gesture. They love saying
they're for something, but not actually doing
anything. They love just saying, look what I
support. But it's like, what have you done to
get that? You can say it. How much is saying
it changing anything? I mean, and they're literally
doing nothing different than the Republicans.
Right. In terms of globally. Well, they are doing
things different in terms of oil. And that's
part of the problem. We should go nuclear. Yeah.
Love nuclear. I mean, what's the holdup there?
Well, people have an association with nuclear
disasters. They have an association with Three
Mile Island and Fukushima. Three Mile Island.
Chernobyl. 717. Let's go. As if a coal mine has
never fallen through. Sorry. As if what? As if
a coal mine has never fallen through. No one's
ever died. Oh, yeah, yeah. Nobody died at TMI.
Exactly. TMI. Three mile island. Oh, sorry. TMI.
TMI. Jesus, bro. Where I'm from, that's TMI.
They know how to make way better nuclear reactors
now than they ever did before. Of course. They're
so much better at these power plants. They can
make them with multiple fail -safes so that if
anything goes down, everything's protected and
they can get them back online. The one they did
in Fukushima was like from the 1970s or something.
Dude, Fukushima is a fucking nightmare. It's
a mess. Really? Yeah, you can't go. Still. Like,
they can't clean it up. Can you go to Chernobyl
or no still? Yeah, well, the Russians are in
Chernobyl right now shooting bulletproof bombs.
And then they got out of there. Oh, Chernobyl's
not in Russia? They just got out of there. Really?
Yeah. The Russians, I don't know. The news I
saw was they evacuated Chernobyl. What is happening
over there? No one knows, dude. Did you see that?
We're getting hit with pure, like, the craziest
propaganda. Propaganda. What propaganda do you
think we're getting hit with? We're getting hit
with, like, we need to make it a no -fly zone.
We need to shoot down every Russian. We're getting
hit with that. That is wild talk. Yeah, that's
wild talk, dude. That's reckless. We shoot down
a fucking jet from Russia? That's a real problem.
They're going to... They have hypersonic nukes.
Wow. We don't have hypersonic nukes. Did you
see that thing that some Republican, I think
Republican senator, was interviewing a war...
Oh, they're falling ill. Of course they are,
dude. It's still radioactive, bro. It's still
beaming out radiation. It's beaming out for fucking
the next 100 ,000 years. When those places go
bad, they're bad forever. Did you watch Chernobyl?
For a thousand years. What were you saying? There
was some guy doing an interview with some lady
who's in charge of the war. And he goes, can
you say positively that there is no weapons of
mass destruction or biological weapons in Ukraine?
Because he's leading her to say it for the press.
Oh, right. And she goes, no, I can't say that.
Yeah, and then they admit it. There's like 24
labs. Yeah, and he goes, well, can you say if
it is used, it would definitely be the Russians?
She goes, sure, I'll say that. You know what's
crazy is they call them biological research labs.
Okay, what is the difference between a biological
weapons lab and a biological research lab? Is
there a distinction? What are you doing? What's
going on? That's the PR. If you didn't tell me
that they existed, and now you're telling me
they do exist, and you're calling them a biological
research lab, that was always the crazy right
-wing conspiracy theory, was that the Ukrainians
have the fucking bioweapons labs. People are
like, shut up. No, they don't. And they're like,
actually, we do. I distrust the media so much
that I'm like, wait, why is Putin going in there?
I don't believe it's just that it's evil. There's
got to be an actual other reason. But it's evil,
too. That's the problem. It's like he's clearly
also poisoning his political ally. But it's like
9 -11 was because they hate our freedom. And
then after five years, we're like, wait, no,
that wasn't it. Remember when you guys were dancing
in New Jersey? I love those dances, dude. You
put a turban on everybody. I love those dances.
You guys were dancing. In the circle. Yeah, dude.
Such a sick dance. I'll give the Jews credit
on that one. Jews party. You got a good dance.
Every party. Everyone can do it. You don't have
to learn the dance. It's just dancing in a circle.
Jumping up and down on the bleachers and the
Jews in the middle. You ever see the remakes?
You get some hip -hop and you have the Jews dancing
to the hip -hop song? Yeah, dude. They're the
best. They're the best. The best ever. Where
are you at on the hot seats? Is that weird? What
do you mean? Yeah, it's so nutty. Oh, yeah. The
extreme part? The sex through the sheet? Yeah.
I don't know if that's real. I actually support
that. Oh, it's real. I support Mormons soaking.
Soaking is great. You just stick your dick in
and don't move it. Oh, I like that. It might
not come in two seconds. You would squirt anyway.
Of course. You're going to move a little. Dude,
if I had a girl that was like, this is part of
the program, instead of like, I need to be good
at sex. It'd be nice. Jackpot, dude. Yeah. Orthodox
Jews have sex through a sheet. This common myth
is completely false. I will talk about this in
my next special. Is it false? Oh, boy. Is it
false? Did you do it? But I don't think it is
false, right? Don't they do it? It's true and
false. It's overpushed, but some people do it.
What's the thread count? It's Egyptian. I had
a friend, and his girlfriend was Israeli, and
she swore that it was a real thing. Well, sometimes
you swear you hear, so you swear because I heard
this. It's not a commandment. It's a barely done
thing, but it's somewhat done. It's not a commandment.
It comes from, like, we have this prayer shawl.
It's like a... poncho that were under our shirts
and it's got a hole in it for the neck right
and so what i believe is people were hanging
it up to dry after the wash and races would come
by i'm like what the fuck is that thing with
the with the white racist and i bet they fucked
through that no is that right yeah but also it
is a solid i think some people do it to stop
yourself from getting distracted by thinking
about your wife's naked body you cover her so
you don't have to look at her Whoa. Is that ugly,
huh? It's debated. I don't think it's that. They're
trying to run away from temptation. I see. They
don't want to enjoy it. Those big floppy J -tits.
I love a J -tit. The Jew globes are the best
globes. Jewish women are beautiful. We're having
a good time. We should go to 10 on this. This
is great. Yeah, Jewish gals are super hot. I
like a good J, dude. Oh, dude, I was plowing
a J back in 2011. Yeah, get to that on Shabbos.
It was really something. She was a SoulCycle
instructor and a J. Wow. Good work ethic. And
a squirter. Oh, what? Yeah. She peed on you.
I'll take it. It doesn't matter. That's still
so fun. R. Kelly me. I mean, she was shooting.
It's definitely a lady peeing, but it's still
fun. The Amish didn't do shit during COVID either,
right? Did they ever catch it? Don't know. Did
they have an outbreak, a big outbreak in the
Amish community? Because they were another group
that completely treated COVID as if it was not
a thing. They weren't doing anything differently
than they did before. They were very insolent,
so someone had to get it. Death and religion.
Excess deaths sweep through Amish and Mennonite
communities during COVID -19 pandemic. Well,
there you go. Dude, you know what's funny about
that? I'd like to know where I'm from. I'm just
reading a title. I want to know what the actual
meat of the story is. Where I'm from, there's
a ton of those dudes riding around. Me and my
friends used to drive by and be like, get a car,
you dumb motherfucker. It was fun. Lancaster
is right next to us. So we would always be there,
and then every once in a while, like, a fucking
tractor trailer would hit a fucking horse. And
with a family and, like, fucking ten of those
motherfuckers. And then they... You know what's
weird? I've done shows in Lancaster, and I've
seen these Amish kids at, like, a Wawa. And you're
like, what the fuck are you doing? Well, yeah,
yeah. There's some rules where you're, like,
allowed to... It's not Amish. Mennonite can do
way more. Mennonite can do it. They look the
same. They look pretty scruffy, these kids. We
had a bunch of Mennonites at my high school.
Oh, okay. Ari, do you remember? They stunk. Hold
on. They would never shower. They're not clean.
Do you remember we were on the road, and we were
at a truck stop, and there was a girl that was
wearing some crazy outfit, and you walked up
to her, and you go, what is this? You go, what
kind of group are you in? And she said I'm a
Mennonite. Do you remember that? Yeah, barely.
We were in, like, western Massachusetts. I wanted
to know. We were out in the middle of fucking
nowhere. Was that Chickabee? Was that dumbass
fucking Chickabee? Yeah, something like that.
Worst gig ever I did with you? Yeah, worst gig
ever. Chinese restaurant. Remember that? We take
the drive from L .A., and we stop to get gas
and food. I mean, not from L .A., from Boston,
rather. Took the drive from Boston, stopped to
get gas and food, and in the middle of nowhere,
there's this poor girl in some weird religious
outfit. She's got a bonnet. I had to know. What
are you? What is this? What kind of group are
you in? And she goes, oh, I'm the man of the
night. He's like, mm. The best part of that gig,
we were leaving. Chickapee is this fucking Chinese
restaurant. It was awful. Some guy came on stage
with me to take a selfie with an old camera.
And I was like, is anybody going to stop this
guy? He just sat back down. We're leaving. We're
in the car. Tate's there. He'd never seen a Jew.
Some fucking 42 -year -old chick is like, you
guys want to see my tits, don't you? And we were
all like, no, we don't, ma 'am. 100 % we don't.
She goes, you all see my tits. And then she started
raising her shirt. By her belly button, you could
already see tit. She kept going. Wow. What are
you doing, Harry? I didn't know you had a tattoo
on your hip. Dude, I got to lose 10 more pounds.
He's going to keep on trucking. We had a full
-on six -pack when we did the Sober October fitness
challenge. I got to lose 10 more pounds. You
look good, dude. What do you weigh now? You look
good. 188. I got it to 178. That was what you
were when you did Sober October? By the end,
75. 75. Shredded. What's that tattoo mean? Keep
on trucking. Oh, it says keep on trucking? Yeah,
in case you stop trucking and you want to keep
going. You need some motivation. You got to look
in your hip. We did Bonnaroo. You were shirtless
the whole time. You looked great. I loved being
with the shirt off back then, yeah. It is fun
to have you shirtless. I love it. You can't do
it though. Burt would get mad. You think Burt
would get mad? I don't do it on stage. What if
you did it on stage? Look at that. With hair,
too. All right, you can achieve that. That's
good, dude. That could be done if you dedicate
yourself for many decades. Wait a minute. Is
that Leah Thomas? Sober October. That was the
yoga challenge. Look, Ari's so mad that I make
him go to yoga. I hated it. I hated it. Fuck
you. I fucking hate it. He was so mad at me.
Because I can't just let you win, so I had to
do it. So I was like, fuck you. The best was
Tom just rented a Lamborghini, and he goes, this
is my new car. And Bert was so angry on the way
home. So jealous. He already had a Porsche. Why'd
you get a fucking Lamborghini? I've got to keep
up. He goes, I've got to do 75 more Instagrams
this week. I get it. I get being jealous. We
were at Vulcan last night, and Tony was like,
you see this? I was like, fuck. It's Corvette?
That Corvette is the shit. I got a 2018 Chevy
Cruze. I don't even know what a Chevy Cruze is.
Oh, no. It's Ted Cruz's car. It's a shitbox.
What is a Cruze? What's a Chevy Cruze? It's like
a Ford Focus. It's a round car. Oh, so it's just
a vehicle. Yeah. That's what you want. There
it is. Chevy Cruze. That's a nice vehicle. If
you're going to kill somebody, that's a car you
should drive to the house and no one's going
to ever notice what it is. Drill a hole in the
back in the trunk for fucking sniping? Like that
guy in... That's a nice interior. That's a 14
Bud Light car. Oh, you can have a couple BLs
and drive a fucking cruise. It drives a driving
for you. You can try to swipe a car and be like,
oh. I got to go home and eat, and we got a show
in two hours. Oh, shit. How long have we gone?
It's 530 almost. We got a long. Should we do
four hours? Yeah, do your dates. Do your dates.
Tell everybody Ari Shaffir or AriTheGreat .com.
Ari Shafir .com. Ari the Great. Don't know. Is
it? Yeah. Who's Ari the Great now? Does it redirect?
Just let it go. Have it redirect. It's used to
be your website. Why don't you have it redirect?
I don't know. Ari Shafir .com. Who's even going
to it? Some asshole. Don't be nasty. Storytelling
Show with this guy, Shane Gillis, Big Jay, Nate
Bargatze, and Sal at the Ryman Auditorium. Biggest
show we've ever done. Yeah. Great room. Great
room. Minneapolis and Chicago in June, but I'm
taping my next special, Ari Shavir Jew, in New
York City on June 11th and 12th. Dang. Shane
Gillis, what you got going on? Give me your dates.
I'm going to try my best. He's so hammered 16
beers in now. Look at that pile of cans. It's
a good pile, dude. I'm going to take a photo.
That's a record for us. This weekend, when's
this coming out? Do it next weekend. It's fucking
empty. When's this coming out? Tomorrow. All
right, nice. The 17th and 9th will be at the
Palm Beach Improv. West Palm's good. Shane Gillis,
that's a great club. That's a great club. That's
a fun club. Good nights. Another great club.
Raleigh, North Carolina. Fucking great club.
Kid Rock's thing. Zany's. Kid Rock's comedy show?
In Nashville? Oh, yeah, for sure. Kid Rock is
a comedy show? Where is it? At Ryman. Oh, my
God. That's amazing. Dude, I'm so excited. You're
performing twice at Ryman in three days? Yeah,
I'm there for a week. Did I tell you about Kid
Rock's house? Yes. He's got a White House? Yes,
I told you that. Dude, his videos are the best.
Did I tell you Ari? No. He's got a fucking, he
built a White House on his property. He has hundreds
of acres outside of Nashville. He built a replica
of the White, but it's way bigger than the White
House. Just a storm? It's like 27 ,000 square
feet. It has two bedrooms. Okay, the whole house
is parked. He has a yellow shower. It's a golden
shower. You go in there, it's literally golden
tiles. He has a fucking gold elevator. And the
contractor was like, do you want to hide the
elevator walls? He goes, fuck that. I want people
to go to Kid Rock's house and say, Kid Rock's
got a fucking gold elevator. So in the middle,
when you walk into his house, you see a gold
elevator. It is the wildest house you've ever
seen. It's a full -on party house. Did you see
it on Tucker? On Tucker? I heard of him on Kid.
I sell my own tickets. I'm uncanceled. It's so
funny to watch Tucker be excited. Really? Like
anything Kid Rock says, Tucker's like, oh. And
then there's one part where Kid Rock's like,
yeah, Republicans used to be fucking lame, dude.
They used to wear like. Sweaters and button -downs.
Like, he described exactly what Tucker was doing.
Right, right. Tucker's like, well, I'm comfortable.
Button -downs will do it. I'm comfortable with
a button -down. Dude, we're going to a Kid Rock
show with Jay. You're invited. Oh, I can't wait.
And we're all going to go. I mean, it's Kid Rock.
It's great. We're all going, fuck you, Brandon
hats. We're just going full on. We're doing the
Kid Rock show. At the Ryman, and then I think
there's a comedy jam after. At Kid Rock's Bar.
Damn. Bro. What a weekend. Bro. That sounds like
fun. I mean, it's going to be. Mark Norman, what's
your dates? What you got going on? Pam Anderson.
Let's see. Indianapolis this weekend. Holy hell.
I need help there. Then I'm at the Carolina Theater
in Durham. I got this theater tour. I can't.
Fill it up. I need your help. Addison Improv.
Bricktown. Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas
on 420. Yes, yes. Moon Tower. Yeah, come by if
you want. Beautiful. The Vic in Chicago. 420,
I'm going to be in Fort Worth. What are you doing
in Denver? Irvine Improv. Back at the Paramount
in Denver. Wow. Cleveland Agora. You name it.
Got a lot of theaters. Help me out. DC Lincoln
Theater. MarkNormanComedy .com. We might be drunk
all over the road. Tuesdays with stories. Praise
Allah. We'll see you now. I got MGM Grand Garden
Arena July 1st in Vegas with Brian Simpson, Tony
Hinchcliffe. Damn. And Hans Kim. Oh. Yes. That's
diverse. Black, white, Asian. That would be so
fun, dude. Let's go. I love Simpson. Ryan Simpson's
a good egg. A black guy, an Asian, and a homosexual.
Walk into a bar. Let's go. Those are on presale
right now. You got to go to my website. Use the
code Rogan. Buy them before the scalpers do it.
That's my pure code. It's Rogan. All right. Bye,
everybody. Bye -bye. We'll see you in a month
or so. What a fun time. This is the fucking best.
I love it.