"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1946. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Improvisation Dynamics, Contemporary Satire, and Independent Media Evolution." Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan Podcast by
night. All day. You did heroin? Yes. Yes. We're
up. I'm the only one without sunglasses. What
the fuck? It's just easy to hide behind something.
I'm here alone. No sunglasses. You got to get
them, bro. They're in my car. I'm not going.
Call one of your goons. All right, give them
yours. Yours are cool. Mine are cool. Joe would
look cool in those, too. Joe, try those on. I
live in Florida. Ours is in Key West. Oh, yeah,
with that bald head. You fucking bring someone
to justice. Fuck yeah, bro. You look like a bounty
hunter. You're a video game boss. Fun times last
night, boys. Oh, yeah. Good show. We stayed too
late. Yeah, it was a little late. I got home.
I've been requiring myself to write for at least
one hour when I get home. Finally writing. I
didn't get to bed until four in the morning.
Holy hell. So you got home and wrote? Wrote.
That's crazy. Damn. So what do you write your
best? I do it at night. Sometimes at bars. Sometimes
when I'm on the way home. When I just get off
stage? You just get off stage, your juices are
still flowing? Sure. Sometimes you're, it's like
every now and then you get the one gem out of
ten. Just one little idea, one little spark.
Oh, yeah. Come on, pussies, get in there. It's
not shades yet. Well, we got like seven different
drugs going around. Whatever, allegedly. Don't
be scared of the future. What about a cigar?
You want a cigar? Please. I'm all right. All
right. No Shane. No Shane in that. Yep. Hey.
Don't fat Shane. There's a tour. No Shane in
that. It's just like you canceling gigs. What?
No Shane in that tour. Oh, yeah. He loves titles.
I don't like them. Yes, sir. Oh, grazie. Come
up with a name. Names are tough. Yeah. What about
when you have a kid? You've got to name that
thing forever. I saw Buffett. It was a second
wind tour. A lot of old people. Jimmy Buffett?
Second wind tour is a great name. Second wind
tour. For that, it is. It made me realize names
of tours are cool. He's underrated. I'd go the
opposite way. Damn. Three songs I knew. I like
mine with lettuce and tomatoes. That's great.
That's one of them. That's all you need, dude.
Yeah, pop top, come on. Stepped on a pop top.
What is that? Pumped in my heart. What's a pop
top? You know, like a... Convertible? You pop
a bottle. It's a Florida movie. But he stepped
on it? It's Florida music. He stepped on it.
He's drunk in his apartment. It's wholesome.
Yeah, it's like it's passable. Can I get the
circumcise? Florida's a good place. I was just
down there. Oh, shit. I'd like to be there. That's
amazing. How about it, guys? Let's move to Florida.
Let's start this over. Florida's where you move
to when everything goes terrible. Yeah. Key West.
If everything goes bad in Texas, you move to
Florida. If Beto O 'Rourke becomes governor.
What? He's got a skateboard. He does, I'm sure.
and everything slides into oblivion, you go to
Florida. Florida's like the last stand before
you just move to South America. And Key West
is the last of Florida. Exactly. Before you get
a compound in Mexico, you go to Florida. Key
West is the jizz coming out of the dick. That's
it. It's over, right on the bottom. I've never
been to Key West. It's an escape. Is there a
good club there? There's a small club, Key West
Comedy. Yeah, is it good? It's great. 90 people.
You do it? I just did it. Oh, no shit. Spend
a week there. Do two shows. Nice. Jet ski. Jet
ski. Bike everywhere. Leather lady. The people
there must be just so fucking loose. They're
devoid of any sort of fashion or trying to stick
with anybody. I saw three cops in action, and
all of them were trying to get an old lady from
the street to the sidewalk. Yeah. She's like,
you're too drunk at 4 p .m. Please, ma 'am. Please
can you go to the sidewalk? You go to Hemingway's
house? What's Hemingway's house? Yeah, it's pretty
neat. You see all the cats with thumbs? Yes.
It's great. They just have like... How does that
happen? Breeding. Is it overbreeding? Breeding
them on purpose. Inbreeding. Oh, on purpose.
To make those thumbs. Hemingway cats. Yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty great. That's Hemingway's cats. Yeah,
we touched them. Pet them. No shit. Yeah, they're
everywhere. It's pretty fun. They're scary. Look
how big that is. Is there like a tour of his
house you do? Yeah. It's awesome. Typewriters
there and shit? Like that kind of deal? Yeah.
That's why he killed himself. Oh. Yeah. Scary
cats. Look at the hands on that thing. All the
concussions he has. That is crazy. Yeah, it's
nuts. Oh, he had a shit ton of concussions, right?
Yeah. Really? Yeah, and they're like, this might
have also led to his... CTE? Yeah. Yeah, he was
in war, he was boxing. Oh, yeah. Couldn't knock
that all the time. Can't tell, because I loved
Hemingway, but he also seems kind of like a douche.
I think he believed who he was. Yeah, there's
a part of that that's annoying, where he's like,
I'll fight anybody on this island. It's like,
shut up, author. We're all just drinking. Author.
Shut up, dork. Go play with your cats. Isn't
that funny? Like, some guys are intellectuals.
They feel like they have to do something like
that to be legit. Yeah. Go out and get knocked
out. Yeah. He loved, like, yeah, bullfighting.
Oh, yeah. You hear that, Neil deGrasse? What
about Neil deGrasse? He's a wrestler. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he wrestles. He was a beast, though, wasn't
he? He was a wrestler. Yeah, he was fit. That'd
be a bummer to get your ass whooped by Neil DeGrasse.
I would. Start talking shit to him. That's that
old school barrel chest. He looks like he wears
a unitard to the beach. When men ate mostly oats,
they looked like that. Oats. Oats part of the
Patricia's breakfast. Looks like Orson Welles.
He really does. They all ate oats and grits and
shit. But he got laid quite a bit. Did he? He
fucked. Oh, man. He fucked everybody. Getting
rid of wives. Every wife he cheated on with his
next wife. Jesus. Why marry again? Because he's
a dummy. And after this one's over, I probably
won't do it again. Guys get, they get all romantic.
What do you got here? Some 18 -year -old scotch,
sir. Oh, too old for me. Let's go, let's go.
Hey, thank you. You want some? Don't be a pussy.
All right, to the camera one. Oh, you're into
this. That's all we have to do. Gentlemen, I
look forward to this more than almost every day.
Hey. So much fun. Hey. Those parks are going
away. Hey. I do fucking hate parks. Oh, yeah.
It's like nothing to protect them. We're flying
down and Ari's like. You talking about Rosa?
When we get there. There's more parks to be saved?
No, I just wanted to go on a hike. No, we're
flying down. He's like, what time do you land?
Me and Norman were on the same flight. He's like,
what time do you land? Let's get in. We'll get
a hike in before the show. I'm like, dude, shut
the fuck up. It's winter in New York. About a
fucking hike. Oh, that's right. You guys are
freezing up there. We can just sit outside and
have a cocktail. Yeah, go outside by the lake.
Hang out, watch the canoes roll by. It's beautiful.
Beautiful. Yeah, you want to go inland into the
city. Yeah, I had to buy deodorant. You're like,
let's walk by the river. Then we walk by the
river. There's fucking just homeless dudes living.
Yep. In the fucking mud. Fucking hotel. It's
sinking in. I know. Doesn't it bother you how
much Ari loves, like, nature? It's so annoying.
When you live in Manhattan, you need it. It's
like a drug. You need to go get your drug. I
want to walk in the park. Go to the park. Let's
go to the park and just sit in the grass. Shut
the fuck up, dude. I'm going to be in the ground
soon with his age. Got to connect. That's right.
Get used to it. Have you ever seen a coyote in
Central Park? No, I've seen them in L .A. Apparently,
they have them in Central Park now. What? Yeah,
yeah. There's all these photos of coyotes in
Central Park. Coyote? Maybe like the homeless.
They're a weird animal. Like, as they get persecuted,
they move. out and branch out their territory.
It's like Jews. Yeah, I was going to say, it
reminds me of something. Yeah. Well, they were
attacked by the gray wolves. The gray wolves
and them are not related. They're like the one
animal, like when they have coy wolves, like
when a coyote and a wolf breed, it's always a
red wolf. So it's an eastern wolf. So the western
wolves, the gray wolves, the ones that they killed
off, and then they're bringing them back because
they're idiots. They're bringing them back from
Canada, like reintroducing wolves. Just letting
them out in Manhattan. It's such a terrible idea.
But the gray wolves used to kill the coyotes.
So the coyotes, when the wolves were killing
them, they would have more babies. So the females,
whenever they do roll call and they scream out
in the night, if one of them's missing, it causes
the female to have extra pups. No. Whoa. Yeah,
there's a great book called Coyote America. By
Dan Flores. I had him on the podcast. Yeah. They're
an amazing animal. I love the roll call. You
hear it when they get something, they all like.
I had to save my cat from some coyotes. Really?
Yeah. Did I ever say this on here? Lay it on
me, Petty. Yeah. No, I was just sitting at my
parents' house. All of a sudden I heard some
fucking dogs screaming in the backyard. I'd never
heard that shit. They were just in my parents'
backyard screaming. And I went outside and they
were like circling my cat. Whoa. I had to run
out there and like pick him up. I watched a coyote
jump over my back fence with a chicken in its
mouth. Jumped over my fence. It was like, you
know, I guess like a six foot high fence. Jumped
over it like it was nothing. Like it was nothing.
Just bing to the top of the fence, paws on the
top, over the fence. That's awesome. Just let
me know, like, this fence is bullshit. This fence
is doing zero. Like, my dog has zero chance of
getting out. Right. These coyotes just go in
and out like it's nothing. Damn. It's wild, man.
See how agile. They're little wolves. They're
wolves that live amongst us. They're just a small
wolf. Yeah, I didn't know they were in Central
Park. They're everywhere. They're in every single
city in the country. What do they do, burrow?
Look at them. Wow. Look at that. They're cute.
Someone's roof. Yeah, someone's roof. But they're
everywhere. That's Bushwick. So this is only
within. Oh, that's a Photoshop. This is only
within the last. Oh, no, it's not. That's just
a perspective shot. Oh, really? Yeah, that's
a roof. It's on a roof looking over. It's pretty
crazy. He thought he was on the street. It's
like a giant wolf about to eat the lady. It's
on a roof. I guess that's the same coyote. But
there's rats galore out there. That's snacks
all day. Well, that's what they do in L .A. They
clean up the rats in L .A. They're a reason why
we're not infested. You think about all the fucking
garbage that's on the floor in L .A. on the streets.
Animals in the city is jarring. You see those
monkeys? Yeah, they're fun. Is that in Florida?
When I was with Stanhope, when I was staying
at Stanhope's, me and him were drinking. We'd
go around walking around at night. There'd be
fucking javelinas everywhere. Javelinas kill
his neighbor's dog. They fuck people up. They
fucked up his neighbor's dog. This is a wild
pig that's blind. It's fucking crazy. They don't
have such good vision, but neither do regular
wild pigs. Oh, really? Yeah, they operate by
smell mostly. Smell and sound. They don't see
very well. If you pause, like if you're sneaking
up on one, you just pause, they give up on looking
at you, and then they start eating the ground.
Whoa. Yeah, those boys are running around. It's
pretty fun. I shot one of those in South Texas
a couple months ago. Nice. I bet they taste good.
I turned it into chorizo. Hell yeah. I have a
javelino chorizo. Yeah, little ones are great.
They're a weird animal, man. They're not really
a pig. It's called a peccary. It's like a cousin
to a pig. Crazy teeth, man. Their teeth sharpen
as they open and close their mouth. What do you
mean? Their teeth rub against each other like
two blades, like sharpening. Razor sharp teeth.
It's crazy. Damn. Yeah, that's what their teeth
look like. I hope Stanhope gets killed by javelinas.
Just drunk walking in a dumb suit. That's a real
possibility, man. If it's not them, it's the
cartel. Oh, no. Just fucking pigs. Not my suit.
What the hell? I can't reach my cigarette. Don't
spill the Mai Tai. I was in a safari and a leopard
walked by the jeep. And it went, oh, oh, oh,
oh. And we were like, oh, oh. And it was salivating
like crazy. And then 20 seconds later in a bush,
you hear, oh, oh, oh. And he went and fucked
it. No. Oh, he was in heat. Yeah. Wow. He went
and fucked it. Wow. That was a mating call. Wow,
what a weird mating call. Oh, oh, oh. That's
right. It doesn't work. That's the end. But safari
is crazy because the lions will walk right by
you. Fuck that. And they just know not to eat
you. Did you ever see that video of the lady?
She's trying to take photos from the car with
the windows rolled down. And the cat reaches
in and grabs her and pulls her out of the car.
Pull it up. It's in Africa. It's a lady. She's
in the backseat of a car. And they tell you to
keep your windows rolled up. And she just decides
to roll it down to take photos. This lion just
pulls her out of the car. You saw the one with
the Asian guy screaming at his wife. She gets
out of the car. She gets out of the car in a
fucking tiger park to scream at her. And so she
gets jagged. She gets grabbed by this fucking
tiger. And then the mom comes out to try to save
her. And the mom gets killed. So she lived. And
then the husband starts to get out. I'm free,
actually. Damn. He should just push her. Is that
a video? Yeah, it's a video. It's horrible. Cats
can't help themselves, man. If they see you outside,
here it is. So this is the tiger in the room.
She's like, you motherfucker, I fucking told
you I saw your DMs. So she gets out of the car.
He's like, what are you doing? Gets all the way
around. To yell at him. So she's yelling, and
other people are stopping, and then you realize,
out of nowhere, too late. Like, instantaneously.
So he runs after it, and then the mom gets out,
and she's the one who gets killed. Oh, you can't
hang out with mom. So that lady gets killed.
But she's trying to protect her child, man. Imagine
how, like, why did I raise this crazy lady? I
raised a crazy person who gets out in a fucking
car, screaming at tigers. The lady, only the
mom got killed. This one right here, she got
killed. The last one out of the car got killed.
That's got to be the last way you want to die.
That's not a good way to die. When they eat your
foot off first. Any animal alive. Yeah, animals.
Great way to get out of a relationship. I'll
fight with her in the park with tigers. I know
this crazy bitch. She'll get out of the car.
She'll get out. She always gets out. And then
Ling Ling will run up and eat her. They'll let
you know. They'll get out in traffic. I don't
give a fuck. This is the people that would just
yell at you in traffic. But it works. I think
the government fault was me because they said
if I got out of the car in the rain, you would
come out and chase me, right? I'm like no. I'd
respect your decision to get out of the car.
I hate when they do that. What do you mean, Chase?
They didn't come after me. Oh, that's so stupid.
I thought you hated me. Yeah. I had that happen
when I was 21. I was dating this girl, and she
got mad. She goes, let me out of the car. I go,
okay. So I pulled over and let her out of the
car, and she got out of the car, and I drove
home. What the fuck are you doing? And then she
called me the next day. She goes, why the fuck
did you just leave me there? I go, you told me
you wanted to get out of the car. I was giving
you space. I was trying to be dramatic for no
reason. What am I going to do? Say no, don't
get out of the car, other adult that I'm talking
to? She was like, I was a tech. What the hell,
Joe? I dropped off in Kenmore Square. It was
a nice spot. Uh -oh. Rough area? Plenty of transportation.
Nice area. Nothing dangerous about it. It was
just like, come on. I had to take a... Train
home like a peasant. Just someone yelling at
you, like, let me out of the car. Like, oh, please
get out of the car. Yeah, right. Perfect. Please,
goodbye. Bye. As soon as you listen, then you
listen to your own music. Yeah, fine. Nice. This
is the same girl when I was in a car accident
with her, and I had a Whitesnake cassette in
my car, and she made me leave it in the car.
She's like, don't take that. What? Because I
was taking my stuff to leave. She's like, you
shouldn't be listening to that. She thought Whitesnake
was stupid. Here I go again on my own. Catchy
tune. She was into intelligent music. She was
smarter than me. Like what? I don't know. I don't
remember. Crap. Some shit. Some pixies or some
shit. Some shit that shows people you're deep.
Some shit that's emotional. Look, man, if you
can't appreciate a good fucking Whitesnake video,
it's fun. Doesn't mean it's the only thing you
like. Like, you know, I like ice cream, too.
I like other stuff. I like stuff. Some of the
stuff I like is dumb. I like South Park. I like
things. South Park rules. They fucking rule.
Did you see what they just did? What'd they do?
They went at Harry and Meghan. She's suing them.
And they're trying to sue them. It's like, don't
fucking kick that hornet's nest. Oh, my God.
Yeah. You're just going to empower them to go
harder. Pretty brilliant episode. Not suing,
just mad. Just mad. Oh, okay. They made an official
statement that we are angry. Yeah. Which was
exactly what the episode was. Oh, okay. It's
exactly what they were making fun of them for.
Yeah, they nailed it. And she's mad. Well, you
know. You know what's going on. Someone wanted
a lot of attention, and now they got it. That
was the whole episode. That was the episode.
Is that what it was? We want privacy, and they
keep going on every magazine. We're on a privacy
tour. Yeah, the Babylon Bee went after him, too,
for that. I just couldn't picture it. We just
want to be regular people. And they're like,
wait, no, job? No way. Yeah, go work at a supermarket.
Pretend regular people. Yeah, be a regular person.
Go get a job in an office. That would be an intense
level of white guilt. If they just start working.
Fuck, I'm British royalty? Yeah. Yeah. Damn,
we did some bad stuff. She's half black. And
then the wife convinces you to leave the royal
family. Like, I'm out. I don't need you guys.
Which is crazy, because don't you just get free
money? Dude, give me my allowance. What do you
get when you're a royal? You get a stipend. You
get a stipend. What's a stipend? I'm sure it's
a million a month. You spend on anything you
want? Yeah, what about the countesses? Do they
get paid? Yeah, all of them. That's a good question,
right? Like, what's the chart? How far down do
you go? Before you're like, you don't get a check
anymore. What do you think you get if you're
a prince? What do you think a prince gets? Oh,
it's all jewels and rubies and shit. I bet publicly
their salary is nothing. Right. But they show.
But then, you know, it's all fucking jewels.
But there has to be some. They do get paid something,
though, right? Yeah. I saw one episode of that
dumb crown show and it was the queen bitching
about how her fucking private yacht is too old
and they're going to have to do renovations.
Turn this the fuck off. Why do you care about
this? I got to play with my girlfriend about
that show. I was watching. I started saying up
the rock the whole time. I was like, I'm fucking
Irish. Fuck these people. And she made me get
a 23 of me. She was like, you're not even Irish.
I just did it yesterday. I put on Braveheart.
I was like, look at this shit, dude. Fuck the
British. There you go. There's still tension
there. Really? They hate the mix. I remember
when I went to Belfast. You go to Northern Ireland,
and they still have cars that are set up for
bombs. What do you mean? They had bomb -proof
cars. They had cars that were like the entire
car was covered in metal. They had this huge
bumper system set up. It was like they're cars
for bombs because they might have to deal with
the IRA. Not that long ago. I was there, like,
2000 -ish, somewhere in the 2000s, like 2005,
2006 or something like that we were over there.
So, like, even back then, they had these cars
that were armored. I was like, this is wild.
And, you know, when you talk to people and they
talk to you about, like, the horrors that they
had, the war between the Protestants and the
Catholics. Such a weird one. Oh, crazy. The same
exact people. Molotov cocktails coming through.
But it just shows you, people can other people
so easy. But they're gross gingers. They got
other pretty hard by the British. Oh, they're
pretty fucking hard. Yeah, like, your religion's
illegal, your music's illegal, everything. Freckles.
Freckles. No more shillelaghs? No more leprechauns.
Duh. Fuck that. We need those fucking leprechauns.
People are donating guns. Well, the Irish are
fun because they don't get offended. They're
one of the last group. I mean, look at the Notre
Dame guy. It's a drunk midget with a hat cocked.
That's so true. You can call them drunk pedophiles
all you want. They have to just take it. I have,
like, five cousins with that tattoo. There you
go. Exactly. Everyone has the Notre Dame thing.
Clover. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Isn't that funny?
Because you never see, like, a Native American
with a Chiefs tattoo. Yeah. Look at that guy.
That's fucking offensive. Look at how offensive
he is. Hey, I had a fucking fight with you. I
had a conversation with a guy at a bar in Belfast.
He's got his face. You called me gay? When you're
in Belfast, they barely speak English. You barely
can understand what they're saying. And this
guy, all he was saying to me, we were both hammered.
He's like, I'll fight any man. That's all he
kept saying. I'll fight any man, fucking Chocolatel,
whoever it is, I'll fight any man. And I go,
I believe you, bro. Let's do another shot. We
were getting blasted. They go hard. They go hard.
They go hard. Do not keep up. Guinness and shots.
Oh, yeah. Them and the Scottish. Even the British.
They all go so fucking hard. They go so hard.
British go hard on fucking drugs. The Germans
do. And they love cocaine. They love coke. They
love molly. They don't have to deal with the
fentanyl shit like we do. Apparently over there.
Is that dying? Apparently over there, even a
lot of the royals are partying. Really? A lot
of the politicians party. Everybody knows Boris.
What's his name? The guy that's out. out now?
Karloff. That guy. The vampire. What's his name?
I have no idea. Boris Johnson. That guy partied.
That was like the thing about him is that he
partied. That's how they ended the COVID lockdowns.
They called him a massive party. You're right.
Everybody party. He looks hungover all the time.
His hair's all fucked up. He looks like Jeff
Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. I think he's having
a good time. He's out there having a good time.
Our pet's heads are falling off. What happened
to him? I think he's still around. I don't know.
But he's not their guy anymore. He's not. I have
no idea what the plus is. Didn't they have a
new lady and she quit quick? She took the job
for like six weeks and quit. Is that in the UK?
Yeah, we were over there. That's right. When
we were over there, the lady had just quit. She
was whatever they are, their queen, king, prime
minister. It's so funny hearing about their politics
and you're like, I don't care at all about it.
I don't have it. I don't have your party system.
They care so much about us. They love us. Yeah.
Well, we're the weirdos that have the bombs that
we've launched. But we're the reality TV of news
for sure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kardashian, the
Kanye's. I mean, we got the best stuff. Oh, yeah,
we got the most stuff. Yeah, we're the wildest
to follow. The Musk. Yeah, and it's also, we
have, like, free speech. We have a lot of weird
shit over here. Everybody has guns. Very interesting.
Yeah. If you were looking at us from another
country's perspective, you're like, what a fucking
crazy place. Yeah. Guns. Free speech. They all
have guns. Mental illness. So much mental illness.
They celebrate it. A lot of pharma. Yeah. A lot
of drugs. Mental illness. Celebrate it. We're
getting so many homeless people. We made it seem
cool. What percentage of celebrities come out
of America worldwide? It's fucking got to be
a giant number. And if they don't, they come
here. Like, all the... Canadian funny people
come here. There's like three Chinese stars that
ever got known here. Well, that K -pop's huge.
K -pop. Yeah, they're huge over there, but like
Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee. Jackie Chan, exactly.
Who else? I don't know. Yao Ming. Dr. Ken. Yao
Ming. Who else? No. The pandas. They're all China.
Pandas. Bobby Lee. Who else? You know China leases
us pandas? They lease them. Those are leased
to us. We don't own those. They call those back
if they want. Yeah, and if we have a panda on
our soil, they get it. Wow. That's how it starts.
That's how it starts. Yeah, they got them by
the balls. Interesting. I think we pay them a
million a year each. Wow, interesting. I love
pandas. I wonder how that really works. After
a change of policy in 84, pandas were leased
instead of gifted. Interesting. Yeah, leased.
Leased. We should fucking kill them. Pandas?
Yeah, send a message. We should kill the pandas
and be like, all right, we're done. We leased
it, but. It's damaged. We're not paying the deposit.
You guys want to get my kids hooked on TikTok?
I'll show you what the fuck I do to pandas. Boom,
right in the face. We got them hostage. They
fucked up. If there's an animal that represents
America, it's funny that it's an eagle. It's
kind of a fucking soulless, evil creature that
likes to eat dead fish. Have you ever seen an
eagle look straight on? In the eyes? They're
just dorks. They don't look regal at all. Really?
They're flying reptiles. Franklin was right,
dude. We should have had the turkey. He wanted
the turkey. Is that right? Yeah, and they're
everywhere. That would have been sick. Didn't
he used to be a dog? I think at one point in
time it was the dog. It was like a pit bull.
That would have been awesome. That makes more
sense. I think it was a pit bull. Pit bull would
have been really sick. Is that true that America's
national animal was a pit bull at one point in
time? I don't think so. It's just the wrapper.
I feel like there's... Yeah, it was just in Harlem.
Yeah, it depends where. That guy goes down some
conspiracy rabbit holes. You ever hear of Pitbull?
No. Yeah, he goes down some conspiracy rabbit
holes. Those dudes that grew up in Cuba, the
guys that come from Cuba, they don't want to
hear any fucking socialism bullshit. Shut the
fuck up. Like we had it real? Yeah. All those
people that came out of those Eastern Bloc countries
that have experienced actual real communism,
shut the fuck up. You can talk to Christina Pazitsky
about it. She's like, shut the fuck up. People
whose family came from that part of the world
where communism was real and it ruined everything
and killed everybody, they're like, hey, you
fucking idiots. You have no idea what you're
calling for. what you're asking for and what
the history of this is worldwide. Yeah. Zero
success stories. Zero. They're all convinced
they're going to do it right. Not only not a
success story, but horrific. Horrific. The worst
things possible. Yeah. Starved to death. People
eating their children. No accountability. The
government elects the government. It's my favorite
part of Chernobyl. I love how the Soviet Union
handled disasters. And there's a guy, they bring
all the people in the town in, and this guy's
like, look, everything's under control. And one
guy in the town's like, why is the air glowing?
And they're like, get him the fuck out of here.
The guy's like, everything's fine. What is going
on in East Palestine right now? I think we might
be getting hit with it. Yeah, I mean, do you
see the videos of people throwing rocks into
the water? Do you see the oil slicks that pool
up? No, really? Because they're saying that,
you know, it only went a certain distance away
from the actual spill site. But people are way
far away, and they're experiencing dead animals,
dead birds, dead pets. And then people are throwing
rocks into rivers, and you see these big, huge,
like... Chemical circles where the water gets
disturbed. Just like oil slicks. It looks really
fucking sketchy. Dead fish everywhere. I think
Pete's got it. Yeah, Mayor Pete's doing a good
job. Well, he's definitely the most qualified
guy for the job. I mean, he's definitely not
there for any other reason other than he's amazing.
Are you alluding to something? I'm just saying
he's amazing. He's amazing and he's doing a great
job. Great job. Yeah. Is there a part of Ari
as a Jew that's like, yeah, fuck Palestine? Legit
a little bit. When I started reading that story,
I was like, wait, what? Here we go. Yeah, right
away your hackles are up. Like oil spill. Who
gave the Palestinians oil? And a bunch of trains
broke. Oh, yeah, you guys hate fucking trains.
We hate trains. Good call. Yeah. sabotage the
trains it's gotta be they keep every fucking
day there's like some new explosion in a factory
now yeah it's like am i just noticing it is that
the effect of like the news is just showing it
to you because these things happen all the time
global warming but jamie hit me with jamie tell
me that say that weird one you said that was
bothering me oak ridge oak ridge boys uranium
plant on fire right now today says no injuries
but uranium fire holy shit at all What's his
name? He told me a weird one last night. He was
like, the two main food sources in the entire
world is Ukraine and the Midwest. Really? He's
like, now there's a chemical fucking spill in
the Midwest. Sometimes when I see a lot of stories
about the same thing, chemical spill, nuclear
spill, it's like, oh, I feel like they're prepping
us for some level of like, hey, we're going to
change the laws on this. And we're just getting
everybody ready. Like gun control, they start
pushing every shooting at a Seattle bar. They
start telling you about all of them. Interesting.
And you're like, oh, they're coming with something.
That could be. It could be something. Well, there's
definitely been times in history where they've
done things like that, like where they've blown
things up on purpose. Hitler burnt the Reichstag.
Nero burnt Rome. They do false flags to get people
to panic, and then they create new laws to clamp
down on them. That's a real standard practice
that dictators use. I don't know. But they would
never use that here in America. All right. We're
better. That's like why all the fucking checks
and balances are in place in the way the government
is run, to prevent that kind of shit from happening,
because it happens everywhere people get into
power. So you have to have it. People are like,
well, if the Republicans can control the House,
now there has to be fighting. Everybody has to
fight. If they're not fighting, it would be way
worse. If they were all in agreement on everything,
it would be fucking terrible for all of us, because
they would all eventually pass laws that would
give them more and more power, it would be worse.
Well, that was the point of the Second Amendment.
Yeah. Was just, hey, we need the guns in case
the government comes at us. It's funny that people
don't want to believe that. It's just, pay attention
to the rest of the world whenever something happens
and people have to be locked in their homes.
Like, they'd comply. People comply everywhere
else but here. Over here, they're like, yeah,
I don't like you telling me what to do. Go to
the beach. Yeah, why can't I get in the ocean?
Shut the fuck up. You can't tell me what to do.
This is crazy. Isn't it from sea to shining sea?
Yeah. Go out to the sea. What about mountains?
Yeah, they sanded over all the skate parks during
COVID. Remember that shit? That was wild. Oh,
yeah, they took down all the nets. So sad. Yeah.
But it's just so bizarre how quickly everything
shifted. Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar. Bob
Lazar. Someone should make a song about that.
Have you ever watched that guy talk? What do
you think? Bob Lazar? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen him.
What do you think? I don't know. When he says
he saw that alien that one time, that kind of...
Bothered me. He didn't say he saw an alien. He
said he saw something that was in a chair, and
then these men were facing it. It was smaller
than him. I think he seems like he's telling
the truth. Sounds like an illegal Mexican, yeah.
The way he's described it is like it could have
been a doll. I don't know what it was. It could
have been they were trying to figure out what
size these things are. He goes, I'm literally
walking by looking at something in a 12 by 8
window. It happens. I don't know. We shouldn't
talk about it until something happens. It feels
like just a lot of shit. A lot of jerking off.
I got a police call on me on New Year's. We do
this Ecuador thing where you take an effigy.
put a straw in a shirt and jeans and you light
it on fire and jump over it. Wait, what? It's
just an Ecuadorian tradition. Were you in Ecuador
when this happened? No, we were in Staten Island.
He's trying to be international. They called
the cops on us. They were like, we gotta report
somebody's burning a body alive. It's this body
-sized thing that's on fire. That's what they
used to do at Bohemian Grove. When they would
go to Moloch the Owl God when all the fucking
elites like fucking Nixon. and Ford and Reagan.
They would go to this Bohemian Grove, and one
of the things they would do is they would burn
this effigy that was supposed to represent a
body. They were all dressed like druids and shit
in front of... There's video of it. Alex Jones
got video footage. Pull it up. Did Nixon call
it gay? He said it's the faggiest thing he's
ever seen. He was talking about how the people
behaved there, and apparently these guys would
go there and just fuck each other. And it was
in Northern California, which is, you know, there's
a lot of gay folk up in there. that region of
the world. Sure. And so this place was their
spot where all these elites would go and they
would party. That's so great. That's what Bohemian
Grove was. Paint up like gold. Yeah. Pull up
Nixon's account of Bohemian Grove. Where's the
lighter? Who's got the lighter? Ari. Nixon's
phone calls are fun, too. A lot of N -word. Really?
Oh, it's full Michael Richards. Wow. There it
is. So he's talking about it? Lex and Tate discuss
homosexuals. That San Francisco growl goes there.
It's just terrible. I mean, don't shake hands
with anybody from San Francisco. I mean, I won't
shake hands with anybody from San Francisco.
That place that they would go to, they would
all dress up like they were druids. There's video
footage of it. It's the craziest thing ever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Ronson and Alex Jones
snuck in. What? Yeah, yeah. It was like 2000.
It was a long -ass time ago. Prove it. So this
is what it looks like. There's a giant owl god
statue, and they burn this effigy in front of
the giant owl god that's supposed to be representative
of a sacrifice. Is this the original Burning
Man? I mean, just go to Epstein's Island at this
point. At least you get laid. Just take a flight.
It could just be these two places. There's probably
a shitload of those places we don't know about
yet. The eyes wide shut places? Definitely. Yeah,
I mean, when did we learn about Epstein's Island?
I heard about it from Alex Jones. Ten years ago.
A long time ago. That's the craziest thing I've
ever heard. There's a place where they take politicians
and movie stars and they compromise them with
underage girls. Really? An island? Somebody owns
an island? Talking about that? No. They got an
invited party early on. Like in stand -up, and
there was somebody's house in the hills, and
it was all the top -level celebrities, like Leo
and everyone like that. Yeah. And then some guy
was like, do you want to go in? He goes, no,
because if they ask me to get in the tub with
them, I'm going to. I don't want to go down this
road. Jeffrey Epstein was accused of sex -trafficking
young girls on his mysterious private island
over 40 years ago. A different millionaire escaped
justice in a stunningly similar case. It's probably
how they've always done it. Oh, yeah. If you
just think about it. If you want to get these
world leaders on your side, the best way is to
compromise them. Have a bunch of dirt on them.
Right. And then getting in that - Vegas does
that, right? Videotapes fucking senators and
getting hookers. Do they? Vegas does that? And
then it's like, we have you. When it was the
old mob. Oh, the mob Vegas. Yeah, of course.
I've got to stop playing Vegas. Of course. The
old Vegas. Back when they were running it dirty.
Running it dirty. But yeah, cameras and the internet.
Cell phone cameras ruined a lot of fun and the
internet. Yeah, I think about it every time I
whack off. What do you mean? Someone's watching
you. Man, if this camera catches my bad face,
it could ruin you with that face. Somebody's
watching me. And it knows what you're Googling,
too. Oh, yeah. I don't even go privacy. How long
before there's zero privacy? How long before
anyone could look at anybody's phone and all
information, they can't stop it? It's been years.
Technology has just reached this point where
all data and all numbers are just available to
everybody at every time. Privacy's not expected.
I'd hate for this to get out. No privacy. Everybody
knows where you're going to be. You can't lie.
Could happen. Can't avoid people, oh, so sorry,
my mother -in -law's in town. Really? I see her
pin. Gotta go. My Google Glasses say you're lying.
You'll see their temperature and shit go up.
Some people, when they're in relationships, they'll
turn their location services on so they're significant
enough to contract them wherever they are. Yeah,
I have friends that do that. Really? Yeah. I
was like, dude, you gotta stop. That's terrifying.
The owner of the... Omaha Funnybone does that
with her kids. It's one thing with your kids,
but when you're doing it with your wife or you're
doing it with your, or, you know, it just seems
crazy. Well, it's just such a lack of trust.
Yeah, it's just very weird. You're following
where they are all the time. That would make
me not want to be with someone. They were like,
what are you doing? Where are you? Of course.
Well, this isn't fun. No. Some people want that
kind of relationship. They want someone controlling
them. They want a parent again. They had a parent,
and then they want a parent again. If you put
it that way, I kind of like it. She's a dominating
woman. Clean your room. I'd be like, I don't
want to play an Xbox. Spank me. Spank my flat
ass. Do you want your dick sucked or not? Clean
your fucking room. Ooh, I like that. Make me
suck your high heel. What? Ew. Ew, all the fucking
things she stepped in. Come on, bro. What kind
of bacteria is on that? I do do the old fish
hook on the lady, and I'm just thinking about
the subway pole and whatnot. You fish hook your
lady when you wash your hands first? Jesus, fish
hook is a weird move. Just like at dinner and
shit. I'm going to order the salmon. Can I get
that old flamer? He's got it. People are into
weird shit. Oh, yeah. They really are. Choking.
I'm not good with the dirty talk. I'm afraid
I'm in this. I've never even tried. Dirty talk's
insane. Dirty talk sucks. With this voice and
the comedic rhythm. I feel like such a loser.
Part of the problem is we're comics, so we know
how ridiculous it is. What are you, a whore?
You dirty. Oh, you're a whore. You call that
a pussy, you fat skank? Yeah, it's not good.
Nice pussy, you drunk bitch. Some people, like,
put on wigs and they play roles. Some people
pretend to be, like, the UPS driver delivering
a package. Yeah, that's alarming. Yeah, and then
when you're out of town, the actual fucking thing
happens. Why'd you use my name as the same guy's?
What the fuck, Tim? Tim is the actual UPS driver.
No, we're not doing that. Come on, it's a fantasy,
baby. I'm going to call you Tim. I don't think
I've ever been with a woman that was into any
role -playing. Here's my fantasy. I feel like
an idiot. You feel like it's current? Not the
role -playing, but I would feel stupid dressing
up as a busboy. Imagine if that was a thing.
We have to keep this fresh. Lingerie's retarded.
For sure. I don't mind it. It looks hot. Then
you just take it off right away. And she has
to take it off, too. I'd like to role play with
my lady having some money. That's the role play?
That's a weird role. That kind of relate when
the lady has all the cash? That's a good role
play. Hey, thanks for paying the rent again.
Exactly. Thanks for picking up this check. Remember
when I bought dinner last night? That's fucking
crazy. I paid for dinner and I was laying in
bed last night and I was like... That's it, though.
Once you pay for dinner, it's like literally
a five -minute period where people are like,
thanks. Oh, thanks, man. That was really cool.
And then it's nothing. The only good thing is...
I was like, I'm just going to keep bringing it
up. You don't have to pay for the dinner. The
next day, I'll be like, damn, that was an expensive
dinner. That was nice I did that. The pork chop.
But you're good for the next few, because you
got that one. That's the thing you get. We'll
see. Not with you two cheap fucks. I would have
paid for breakfast. This is crazy. This guy's
the Bruce Lee. You guys are unbelievable. You're
cheap as fuck, dude. Mark's cheaper than me.
Mark's like, it's free. I got to take it. It's
free. I look up to Mark. I can't waste shit.
Yeah. We got a little stipend with the old hotel.
Thank you. And I'm going to eat all of it. I'm
going to get shit to go, bring it on the plane.
Yeah. It's crazy. I can't let it go. It's crazy.
I get it. All right. I get it. We're all poor.
It stays in your head. It stays in your head.
Oh, yeah. I got a pocket full of hotel soap.
No, this is not growing up poor. It's just fucking
crazy shit. Hotel soap is where I draw the line.
You don't use hotel soap? Hotel soap? No. I'll
take a hotel soap. I'll bring my own hotel soap.
I'll bring my own soap. You bring your own soap?
What? Sometimes, yeah. Lava? No, defense soap.
I wear a special kind of soap. It's like a soap
that's designed for grapplers. Keeps you from
getting... Smell me. Smell good, right? That
makes sense. Smell good. Smell hot. Tea tree
oil, eucalyptus and shit. It's a special kind
of soap that prevents you from getting like,
you can get like staph infections and ringworm
and shit like that. It helps protect you from
that. Okay. You don't want to rub away all your
natural oils. It's just good. It's natural oils.
It's got all kinds of good natural oils. It's
a natural soap. It smells good too. Yeah, it
does. And you know, there's certain stuff, like
certain soaps, you're getting a lot of perfumes.
Yeah. Those perfumes will fuck with your skin.
Hotel soap bars, they kind of dry your skin out
sometimes. Big dry. I'm ashy. But you take them
home? Not as ashy as his grandparents, but ashy.
Oh, Jesus Christ. He survived it. Oh, all right,
all right. I don't like that talk. Jesus Christ.
Mark, I don't like that talk, and I'm not a part
of it. Won't happen again. It's impossible to
avoid. I can't believe you. He can't stop himself.
Free Palestine, Ohio. He can't stop. He can't
stop himself. Free Palestine. Yeah. I mean, how
does this fucking play out? You know, they weren't
even going to give him FEMA money until Trump
decided to go down there. Really? I'm sure they
would say, that's misinformation and propaganda.
But they had denied them. Why? There's also the
other side where the governor was like, I'm denying
it. I think he's a Republican governor. Why would
he do that? Why? Isn't that true? Maybe we're
wrong. We're getting both sides. Maybe the reason
why is because they want liability from the company
and the company to pay for everything. Maybe
it's that. Apparently the railroad that they
were transporting those chemicals on was not
set up for hazardous materials. They're trying
to cut costs. Are you peeing already? No, it's
early. Come on, old man. No, it's okay. Let him
pee. Go ahead and pee. This is bad. It's okay,
buddy. Don't let him fuck with you. You got those
fresh sunglasses on, man. Be a boss. Go out there
and piss. You look like a police drawing of a
pedophile. Look at this. What do you look like?
You hear the noise I make? It's like the Pillsbury.
I'm always just happy when Ari's going to the
actual restroom. I'm always happy when he leaves.
Bye! May I? Keep them coming there. I think this
episode, Mark gets fucked up. Mark's under the
radar every episode. He's already ready to roll.
He's making ashy jokes. Hell yeah. The Jews had
a good time. The Kanye, I think people propped
up the Jews for a second. His special did well.
We had to pretend to like him. It was what a
perfect timing for his special. Beautiful. I
mean, it was like a cultural moment. Like the
universe gave him a window. Whoop, go right here.
Go right through. It was like Ronnie Chang with
Stop Asian Hate. That helped him. Well, he was
around before Stop Asian Hate. But that really.
Did it? Oh, yeah. Yeah? He's funny, too. He is
funny. He's really funny. He's a very good comic.
Yeah. But he was, before Stop Asian Hate, his
big special came out. That was great. That was
like in the Netflix special. Yeah. 2016, 17?
17. Yeah. Cool guy, too. Great guy. Good fucking
dude. Good egg. Funny motherfucker. Yeah. Nice.
I like when we do that. It feels weird without
Ari, doesn't it? I love it. Less anxiety in the
room. God, when he's fucking hitting you with
the let's go hiking, let's fucking... What do
you think that's all about? I don't think he
even likes it. I think he likes saying he likes
hiking. He likes nature. I like what you're saying.
That's what bothers me. No, he likes it. That's
what annoys me. He's like, I gotta leave the
country. It's like, you don't like leaving the
fucking country. You like saying you left the
country. That's me being an asshole because I
was his very close friend. That might be... You
might be onto something. I'm gonna say it to
his face. He goes to China for a year. There's
something about what you're saying that's resonating
with... me. It's like getting in a cold plunge.
You know, it's like you can only do it for so
long. You pretend you like it. Well, you got
to make it your personality if you cold plunge.
Right. Everybody goes all in. It's like yoga
or vegan diet. Yes. You keep talking about it.
We get it, Huberman. What's Trump doing? Uh -oh.
He was at Palestine today. Hold on. Of course
he was. Look at him. Look at all those guys in
the background. Who do you think that guy with
the mustache is voting for? It ain't Biden. It
ain't Hillary. Look at him. It's a costume. It's
like a Guess Who character. Look at that mustache.
That guy's got a lot of guns. Damn, look at all
those guys. They all look the same. Even the
woman looks the same. Look at that fucking lunch
lady. She's got a bitter, bitter face. What is
he saying? I just said finish. I'll go back.
There's their leader. Who's that guy? Just the
normal dude. Our leader. The most handsome man
in the world. But Biden made it. I want to thank
those of you that helped. John Rourke, who's
fantastic. Blue line moving. Is John here? Hello,
John. Good job. Got a lot of trucks coming up
with water, right? That's true. You're a fantastic
guy. Friend of my son, Don, who's also here.
Where's Don? Good job. Did you get him to do
that? I think so. I think it was a 95 % voter
rate for Trump in Ohio. He helps. Thank you very
much, John. Appreciate it. What? Two fellas moving
company. That can't be true. Pull it up. He's
helping. It's a swing state. He's giving shout
-outs. Palestine. Oh, okay. He's giving shout
outs to all the people that delivered water.
The new, the MAGA hats with the giant font is
so fucking funny. They went even harder. Dude.
They went harder. I think I told you. When I
was in Mar -a -Lago, every dude there was wearing
a flat brim that said M -A -G -A, like a bedazzled
MAGA hat. Oh my God. It was fucking crazy. What
is Mar -a -Lago like? So sick. I tried to pretend.
I was like, as soon as I got in there, I was
like, yo, this is it. Really? You can tour it?
No. I got in. Somebody I knew there worked with
the Trumps. They came to my show, and we got
drunk, and they're like, do you want to come
to Mar -a -Lago? I was like, yeah. I thought
they were full of shit. The next day, they're
like, all right, we'll pick you up. You got to
go past armed guards. They're like, we got to
get this guy on the list. But yeah, then you
get in there, and it's a bunch of old billionaires,
like dudes. Is it a country club? It's very small.
It's a community? It's very small. There's one
spa. There's that big room. And he lives there?
Yeah, he lives in a wing. Which is so wild. He
lives in a place where people can visit. And
then everyone sits in that patio restaurant area
and they're like, he might come out today. Oh
my God, he might come out today. And that room
is hilarious. And everybody, look how beautiful.
It's so grand. It's so grand. There's a solid
gold constitution. Old rich people money. That's
pretty. That's a beautiful place. Welcome to
Mar -a -Lago, the crown jewel of Palm Beach.
It's got to be a golf course. No, no golf course.
What? Palm Beach is close to, wow, look at that.
Wow. Close to West Palm, right? We should have
a show there. It is, yeah. It is. I thought the
Mellow Mushroom was there. We should do a show
in Mar -a -Lago. We were talking about doing
protect our parks if Trump would just set us
up a studio. Yeah Don't even say we're there.
He would do it. Just a bunch of palm trees behind
us. Just doing it. We didn't even have to tell
anybody we're there. See a baby being led away
from sacrifice. Just we'll occasionally talk
about Florida. Florida's great. We had a great
meal last night. Where the fuck are you? It was
something about, I forget what it is, he had
like a giant flag in the front of it and there
was like laws saying your flag couldn't be that
tall. So he elevated the land. So he elevated
like a hill to put the flag on. That's what America's
about, loopholes. It was crazy. He's a big loophole
guy. He loves a loophole. You tell him you can't
have a flag high. Shut the fuck up. Is the stick
itself? Is it stopping planes? Like, what are
we doing? Maybe. Is it an eyesore? Yeah, I mean,
in that area, everyone loves that guy. Look at
it. Yeah, you had to elevate the ground. Oh.
Smart move. It is a good move. It's a good hack.
It was weird, though. It was very uncomfortable.
In what way? Just seeing rich people, weird dudes
wearing a MAGA hat. Weird old rich guys. It's
a lot. With, like, a blazer and, like, a polo.
Oh, that is weird. Yeah. It's a weird combination
of, like, formal dress and baseball hat. And
then just a ridiculous hat. It's true. A ridiculous
hat. No one's ever done that before Trump. In
terms of a politician, when he was on television,
he had a bad hair day. Just slap on the old MAGA
hat. What are you going to do? Yeah, you never
saw Reagan in a hat. A baseball hat? If he was
in a hat, it would probably be like a cowboy
hat. Let it slide. Pretend to be a cowboy. Yeah,
he's pretending. Like George W. Oh, yeah. A lot
of cowboys. George W. from Connecticut? Maine.
Yeah? They're from Maine. He's got a bunk port.
They're from fucking Maine. There, Reagan with
a cowboy hat. Yeah, he's handsome. Yeah, he rocks.
Ooh, Trump dog. Uh -oh. Trump with a fucking
cowboy hat. No neck. Hey. Clinton had a cowboy
hat. They all rock it. That finger stinks. Hey.
It's just for all their tourists or whatever.
Yeah. Every time they came to Texas. Dressed
like Tony. I look like you. Reagan. It's funny.
He's old there. I don't know anything, but I've
been watching. Dude, on the plane I was watching
the fucking, I've been watching the Ken Burns
Vietnam. Heavy stuff. God damn, dude. I cried
on the plane like a fucking idiot. Oh, is that
why you cried? Watching a PBS doc. You're out
of meatballs. Mark, if you're going to say nasty
stuff. I'm sorry. That was a nice ride, though.
I can remember when the Vietnam War ended. Really?
Yeah, I was a little kid. I was living in San
Francisco, and I remember thinking, thank God
we're never going to do war again. Thank God
it's over while I'm a child. I remember thinking
that. Boy, glad they figured this out. That was
long. Nine years? Dude, from day one, they were
like, we're not going to win. Yeah. From day
one. McNamara's in there with LBJ like, this
is never going to work. Yeah. And they just kept
doing it. A lot of heroin out there. Oh, my God.
I mean, it had to be a part of what was going
on. I was drinking on the plane, and while watching
this, I drunk texted my uncle who got wounded
in Vietnam. I was like, where'd you get hurt?
It's like a crazy text to send. And then he explained
how he got hurt, and it was like, whoa. How did
he get hurt? He was a forward observer for his
group. It was the Battle of, fuck, I'll find
it. It was 200 U .S. soldiers surrounded by about
3 ,000 Viet Cong, or RVN. And then he was the
forward observer that was calling in coordinates.
So they were all trying to get him. They got
him. They hit him with an RPG eventually. But
he was the one up front calling in the gunships,
calling in the artillery. Where to go? Oh, yeah.
Wow, like a spotter and crew. There he is. I'm
just asking. That's a gillis. Drang Valley incident.
1965. Google gillis Vietnam. No, his last name
is not gillis. Ah. What's crazy is the Vietnamese
don't even hate Americans. No, they hate the
Chinese way more. That shit's all past them.
Who doesn't? They call it the American War. It
was the Battle of Hill 102, a .k .a. the Battle
of Khe Sanh Valley. 65 Americans killed, 200
Americans surrounded by 2 ,000. But then I was
a little buzzed. I'm asking him fucked -up questions.
What's it like? What's it like? A broadest question.
He said, what happens is you enter a zone where
you just shut down your emotions and focus on
what you need to do to survive and protect your
men. No time to process feelings. There's enormous
chaos, but you are acutely aware of everything.
At least that was my experience. Wow. This is
a wild response. That's a great response. He
said, at one point, there were waves of MVA running
towards us, but my sole focus was to stop them
from getting too close with a gunship known as
Spooky. I mowed them down as they advanced. Without
the relentless stream of fire from Spooky, we
would have been overrun. Thank God for Spooky.
Gunship. Damn. Gunship sank fire to this area.
I was talking to him. He said, I was the forward
observer, so my job was to keep artillery jet
strikes and gunship fire raining down on the
enemy. Does he want you reading this on air?
It'll be all right. That's why they were trying
to get through me and take me out, which they
eventually did, but I took a lot of them out
first. I was drinking, watching the documentary
on my phone. Damn. Smoking a joint with that
guy on a porch? He'll tell you. My other uncle
was in Vietnam and was like... It's the gunship.
Spooky. My other uncle was in Vietnam and he
never talks about it. That guy, if you ask me,
he's... They downed Spooky. Look at that. Ouch.
1968, February 15th. Nine killed in downing of
Spooky gunship. To the Spook. Cheers. Aye, aye,
aye. Well, at least he's still with us. What
a fucked up war that was. I think Segura's dad
was a nom. Was he? What a terrible fucking dumb
war. Silly, waste of time. Not only a dumb war,
but a dumb war that came about because of a false
flag. Tonkin? Yeah, Gulf of Tonkin. They lied
about an incident to try to get us into the war.
Yeah. It's fucking great. That's like what we
were talking about before with false flags. They
really happen. They did. They used to do them
all the time. What'd you say? You said they wouldn't
do them here? That's what they did. Yeah, they
100 % would. Lesser known fact to Jim Morrison's
father, Captain George Stephan Morrison commanded
the carrier division during the Gulf of Tonkin
incident. CIA. The Gulf of Tonkin incident famously
gave the Johnson administration the justification
they needed to escalate the Vietnam War. JRR
talking. Wow, it's his dad. Imagine that, and
your dad becomes break -on through to the other
side. I know, that's why he went so counterculture.
Your son, rather, becomes that. Yeah, he's making
the music they're playing in the fucking helicopters.
Wow. Dang, dang. Great music. Great, too. The
60s was the best music. Yeah, they got the music.
They had a lot of shit to deal with. That was
the first time I grew up, yeah. A lot of shit
to deal with and a lot of drugs. Sure. The drop
-off is so stark, the difference between music.
And automobile design. Yes. Once they make drugs
illegal, American automobile design turned to
dog shit. Oh, yeah. Straight dog shit. By about
73, it went down. No, it was before then. It
was literally like the 71 model years, the last
good year for muscle cars. And only for Barracudas
and Challengers. Barracuda. By the time they
got to Camaro 71, they were already fucked. Mustang
became, in the 80s, became a dumb hatchback.
Terrible piece of shit car. It wasn't at all
muscly. Yeah, but... Back in the 60s, they were
the most magnificent cars of all time. Those
guys nailed it. 67 and a half Mustang. They nailed
it. 69. But then once the Schedule I Drug Act
happened in 1970, so you've got to realize in
1970, they're already making the 1971 model.
Right. So you've got the 1971, which is like
the last good year. Everything else is dog shit.
But how do you explain Europe? Because Europe
cars look great in the 60s and suck in the 70s.
Yeah. And they didn't have a Vietnam. Well, some
of the best Porsches were like 73, 74. amazing
Porsches. That's true. Then that little 911 that
they made back then was so light. Is that what
you got? 911? 2002. I got a Beamer. He's got
that beautiful little Beamer. That's 2002. Pull
it up. Oh, my God. It's a great little car. That's
a 73, but that's the car that saved Beamer. That's
such a zippy little car. Oh, it's a go -kart.
It's a little box. Oh, my God. Yeah, you're scooting
around, and it's almost like a smart car. It's
so small. Yeah, four -cylinder engine. It's so
light. Yeah, that's a great old car, man. Someone
was going to do those cars and put modern M2
engines in them. I know we've looked at this.
I think we have. I think every episode. Look
at it. It's a fucking beautiful car. And then
I go, I have a Chevy Cruze, and then you go,
let's get you a cool car. You need a cool car.
And then I go, Chevy Cruze is cool. Oh, you're
right. Yeah, but it's not real. And what about
R. Kelly? We bring up R. Kelly. We are redundant
as fuck. We'll bring up Kanye and cut it out.
Kanye, no, this time we don't have to cut it
out. He's back. Yay, rules. He's back. We're
with Adidas. He's back again? And we got a Jew
here. He was fine for like two weeks. People
were like, oh, let's move on. Can I get that
lighter? That's true. But he's still removed
from all social media, isn't he? He'll be back.
He'll be back. Really? Yeah. His company's like,
hey, dude, just chill out for a minute. He seems
like a tough hang. You had him on here. Was he
kind of a nightmare? You know, he's a mentally
ill genius. Sure. He can spew out, he can rant
for hours. It's like having a conversation with
him, like dial him into a conversation. It's
like a volley, a back and forth volley is kind
of difficult. Yeah. He just wants to rant. It
doesn't sound like he would just be like, how's
the barbecue here? Right. None of that. Say,
I'm Walt Disney. Oh, interesting. I'm Ford. I'm
Steve Jobs. Exactly. All right. H2 the Izzo was
pretty good. That was pretty awesome. Yeah. All
day. Cold Digger? Yeah. Look, he's got amazing
songs. Black Skinhead is one of the greatest
fucking opening beats of any song ever. Yeah.
That power that allowed him to create that kind
of music is also what fucks him up with rants.
Yeah. He winds up saying some things that are
not really that thought out. You got that right.
What's that like? I think he's funny. The way
he dances around it. Do you think the Adidas
thing is the wildest shit ever? He'll be back.
Everybody cut ties with him. You think they'll
be back with him? Jamie, isn't that going on?
I heard they're already back. Kanye and Adidas
are back on. According to the internet. He's
quoting. He can't say that. It's crazy. It's
been rumors online. Kanye and Adidas partnership
could be back on. It hurts his flat, according
to the internet. Yeah. Less than two weeks ago,
it was revealed that German sportswear label
could lose up to $1 billion in revenue as a result
of the split. According to the industry analysts
gauging leftover stock, rumors are now suggesting
that it all is not lost between the pair. These
rumblings are coming from ardent Yeezy fans wishing
for their fans. to reunite, not from ye or Adidas
themselves. Oh, fuck that. That's not real. Also,
it's got to feel good for the Jewish community
to be like, these Germans are losing a fucking
billion dollars. That's right. We went up the
wrong source. We got you in the end. That's what's
crazy. He was out alive, but you guys were started
by Nazis, literally. I lost a job over some racist
tweet a long time ago about IBM. They were like,
you can't do an IBM commercial. And I'm like,
you made processing to let the Jews get processed
faster. But that's why. They can't have any more.
That was the last straw. Enough, they said. What
was the tweet? Here we go. I bet it wasn't funny.
Let's nip it. It wouldn't hold up. I bet IBM
was right. What is that? You spazzing, throwing
shit. What do you got, whippets? Yeah. Oh, you
sick fuck. No, you have whippets? What are you
talking about? Did you really bring whippets?
Just some whippets, bro. This sick son of a bitch.
Dude, those give you brain damage. Hand it over.
You don't need that in your life. I'm not throwing
a whippet. It's been a minute. You're going to
do whippets? What are you, 12? I used to do whippets
when I worked at Newport Creamery, when I worked
at an ice cream store. I'm not doing a whippet.
Yeah, we did that. I didn't like it. Oh, it's
the best. It just gives you a headache. It's
not really great radio. What a fun surprise,
though. I came out of a whippet and I heard somebody
go, one for 10, three for 20. You have a machine?
Look, you have little gauges and shit. Where
do you buy this? Any head shop. What's wrong
with you? Whip explodes. What if it explodes?
It's compressed gas. What if that explodes and
you lose your fingers? Oh, you're going to do
it out of a balloon? I'm so excited you're doing
a Whippet, dude. Why are you excited about this?
I'm happy he's doing it. Why don't you just suck
on it? Why do you have to use the balloon? Roland
came by and he saw us on the stoop right by the
cell. He goes... Like the older comics. Are you
guys doing whippets on a stoop? Tell me what
the whippets do. It just makes everything giggly
for a minute. But doesn't it give you brain damage?
For like 30 seconds. Google does whippets give
you brain damage. No, don't do that while you're
doing drugs. No, no, definitely do it. Do it
after he does it. I need to know because I'm
considering doing it. Oh, you should definitely
do a whippet. You gotta do a whippet. Well, I
need to know if it gives you brain damage. Whoa!
Easy, big fella. Don't do a whippet. No, you
need to know. Take the edge off. That's what
I'm saying, right? Yeah, this is a coal plunge
in one hand. I take it back. I take it back.
Please do a whippet, dude. Let's go. Yeah. Let's
go. Is this legal? No. You're going to miss head
shots. No. No? You're going to forget how to
play pool. Okay, do whippets kill brain cells?
Researchers have made clear that whippets can
deprive the heart and brain of much -needed oxygen.
Fuck it. Oh, all right. Temporarily. What if
you're into choke sex? Ah, exactly. Whoa, he
did it. The whole thing? He's going to faint.
What's it doing to you? Wouldn't it be great
if he was hilarious? Like it turned him funny?
What is it doing to you? This is going to be
a Guinness record for the oldest Jew to do a
whippet. Absolutely. Can you describe it? Can
you describe it? Whoa, he's gone. Look how hard
he's laughing. Oh, this is going to help your
IBM sales. IBM was right, dude. Here it'll bow.
Memory loss, vitamin B depletion, long -term
depletion causes brain and nerve damage. Oh,
wow. He's fucked up. Fuck it, dude. It can be
both illegal and dangerous. Using nitrous can
have serious health consequences, including seizures,
permanent nerve damage. Have a seizure. Have
a seizure. Permanent nerve damage and even death.
Seizure salad. We did that one before. How was
it? We did the exact one. Julius Caesar. All
right, I'm back. So what did it do for you? Stop
repeating buzz. You're still going? No, it's
just so stupid. Is it over? Yeah, it's over.
I don't want you to have a Hamlin. Oh, my God.
So what happened? The Hamlin. You just start
going. Jamie's done him. He's done him. He's
fine. It's just like. You were on a planet for
about 30 seconds. What did it do? Try to explain
what it did. It just makes everything warbly.
Okay. And then it just like, I don't know, you
just start laughing. Are you back a hundo? I'm
back a hundo. All right. Good to have you back.
So you feel dumber or what? No, I feel fine.
You don't feel like it gave you any brain damage?
I was always pretty dumb. You do like 30 whippets.
You're going to do another one? Yeah. It's all
bucked. It's like in a sleeve of Oreos. This
is highly illegal, I think. It's not illegal
at all. You can buy it at any head shop. I think
it's illegal. Whomp, whomp, whomp. Whippet wave
washes campus. Whomp, whomp. That's true. That's
going to fuck someone up. Whomp, whomp, whomp.
Oh, my God. They call them whomps. Look at that.
Whomps. That's why I know. Okay, for years, nitrous
oxide has been used for quick highs, also known
as laughing gas, whippets, or whomps among students.
Tulane. That's New Orleans. The use and abuse
of the inhalant is growing. Oh, shit. They're
hot right now. How illegal is it? We'll be all
right. He bought them. We'll be all right. Just
blurt it out. I'm not doing that shit. Hold on
to it, though. You can at least hold on to it.
No, I know what you're doing. You're going to
make me hold it, and then you're going to call
me gay, and I'm going to do it. You are gay.
I'm not going to do it. You know the pattern.
I'm going to stand my ground on this. No, you've
got to try. You can't be that gay. What about
like a halfie? Can I do a halfie? You've got
to do the whole thing. It's not that big. It's
not that big a deal. It's not that big a deal,
it says. All right. I say I want to have a seizure
on the fucking Joe Rogan. If we lost Norman because
of this. A major enabler of Whippet uses accessibility.
The minimum age requirement to purchase a Whip
cream charger is either 18 or 21, depending on
the state. In New Orleans. In New Orleans, Whippets
are widely available in areas where students
frequent. My friends did them when we were growing
up. What do I do? I just inhale? Hold on, I'll
do it with you. It's hard. You gotta do the whole
thing? It says long -term use can lead to vitamin
B12 deficiency, which also leads to neuropathies,
numbness, trouble walking, irritability, fatigue.
Yeah, but that's like if you're doing it every
day. You'll be totally fine. But your dad's a
rabbi. He didn't want to see you doing this shit.
It's very cold on the hands. This guy was in
Hebrew school. Are you doing it? I guess. Wait,
hold on. I'll come with you. I don't think it's
legal. It's totally legal. Jamie, is it legal?
It's a lot of air. You got it. I'm not a lawyer.
Spy balloon. Maybe we just, like, shit and put
a video on them while they're doing it. I'm not.
So we can deny. Deny, deny, deny. They're just
breathing in the helium. Make a theater. March
24th, New York City. Norman, how is it? Norm,
isn't it good? Is it good? It's just blurry and
scary. Scary? This is bad. This is bad? This
is bad. I went to a dark place. You guys are
afraid of the gravity bomb. Are you doing fucking
whippets? I'm not doing fucking either, bro.
Don't do it. It's bad. It's crazy. These suck.
Yeah. Let's do Coke next time. Yeah. That's way
better. Next time. We got it here. I would not
do it. I don't do that stuff. Anyway, my uncle
was surrounded by fucking Charlie. And Harold.
That's crazy. What was his, did you ever talk
to him about his transition period from coming
back? He transitioned? No, no, no. He had a tough
time. Yeah, that must have been hard. He came
back. Yeah. I was just joking. It's funny to
talk about a serious subject. I think we had
enough. I'm not done. You just gave me this.
I can't remember yesterday. So you didn't like
it? I don't like it. I just got real blurry and
my brain went away for like two seconds. Interesting.
Not a fan. I didn't laugh. Oh, man. You didn't
get enough in. You got brain damage, bro. I was
doing it with Sal. Sal breathed a little bit
in, and he's like, it's not working. My voice
is exactly the same. You're going to have to
find the turn. Helium. Good comedy club. Hey,
hey. He's going to tie it up for later. There
you go. Put that in your ass. Good luck untying
that. You ever untie a balloon? It's almost impossible.
You're going to do it halfway. Yeah, the old
balloon knot. Whoever came up with balloon knot
nailed it. You tried to show me your butt this
morning, dude. I did try to show you my butt.
I knocked on his door. He was fucking assing
me. That old Jewish dick was out there. You got
a nice dick. Big old. Big dick. That thing looked
like my boner. That thing, that was hurtful.
He's got big balls, too. Yeah, he's got a giant
saggy dick and nuts. They sag so hard. And then
he was like, wait, wait, I want to show you.
He was trying to show me his asshole. I was like,
dude, fuck no. He didn't wait at all. Yeah, you've
got a big old... Don't you have like a disastrous
asshole? It's the worst. You have like an East
Palestine asshole. It's the worst one. Get Pete
Buttigieg to look at it. Maybe Judge will get
in there. He'll get in there. The jeweler's loop.
Let me check it out. Let me change some laws.
Red Band made a video of it back in the day.
I remember that video. I saw that video. It looked
like Homer Simpson's mouth. It looked like a
pussy. That's what it looks like. Homer Simpson's
mouth. It looks like a cheeseburger. Is that
what it always looks like? Sometimes. I had hemorrhoids
then. The best was early Legion of Skanks in
the back door of the creek. I remember that.
And they were like, my asshole's terrible. And
then after, they're like, oh, let's look at Lewis'
ass. I'm like, why are you being quiet? I'm like,
because mine will be the worst one. Yeah. So
it looks like you guys get out of the way. Yeah.
Did you show it? Yeah. They were disgusted. We
had to look at each other's assholes. No pushbacks
was the rule. Early skunks. Early skunks. Yeah,
it's a hemorrhoid. Why can't you push back? Get
out of there. You're forward observers. You're
like my uncle. You know what's weird when the
asshole winks? When you flex it, it winks. I
think we're all doing it right now. Yeah, I'm
doing it. I think every one of us is doing it.
Pretty fun. Philadelphia Kegels. Hey. So what
did your uncle do to, like, what was it like
when he came back? I think he came back and he
had a very stressful job. What did he do? Fuck
it. It's pretty, once I tell you what he did,
it's specific. He was like a fucking Forrest
Gump, dude. Three Mile Island. He was at the
World Trade Center. He was in Vietnam. Jesus
Christ. He's retarded. What? He was everywhere?
He's an incredible story. Connect the dots. Shrimp
creole, shrimp fish. I think I was reading an
article about it because he's pretty popular.
And he was describing how his job was very stressful
because he worked in Wall Street. And he thought
he was blaming all his stress on Wall Street.
And then it was like, clearly it was. You got
hit with a fucking RPG and almost died. Yikes.
And you mowed people down in Vietnam. And then
he went back to Vietnam and saw it and was like,
oh, this is all of my problems. Wow. So he went
back? He went back. What? He went to exactly
where he was. No way. Imagine getting out and
going back. What a nightmare. I think he said
he felt bad because he got wounded pretty severely.
Like his calf got blown off. He's missing a nipple.
He's what? He got drilled. He's Miss Pat? But
he was like, I was too reckless, and now I'm
not with my men. And he held that against himself.
Was he a drug addict and whatnot? I don't know
about drugs. I know alcohol, for sure. I was
too reckless. He was like, I was too reckless.
I fucked that up. Now I'm not with my men. So
he was holding that against himself. And then
he saw what happened and where he was. And he
was like, oh, of course I got wounded. They were
coming at me. People shooting at me. Yeah. They
knew I was the guy calling in the airstrikes.
Blew his calf off. Yeah, his legs. He's literally
missing his fucking calf. Nipples off, yeah.
Calf in half. Jesus! Calf in half? Jesus Christ!
He can't help himself. Calfway house. He's a
pun machine. Calfway house. Calfway house. Super
Bowl calf time. The calf time show. We saw it.
Yeah. We were there on shrooms. Rihanna. Ironically,
that was the name of the guy who shot him. Brianna.
I like it. I like it. I can do a little bit of
you. Take it on. Yeah, I can try. Go nuts. Apparently,
Vietnam is one of the most amazing places to
visit. I loved it. Yeah? Yeah. Where'd you go?
I started in Saigon, Ho Chi Minh. Ho Chi Minh,
that's what they call it. And then I went to
the south to some tiny town, getting away from
backpackers. I was getting sick of everybody.
You get sick of all the fucking tourists. Yeah.
Really? District 1 of Ho Chi Minh is like TGI
Friday. It's whatever. Yeah, they have the War
Remnants Museum. It's the Vietnam War Memorial
Museum. And they have a GI outside who's like,
it's all propaganda in there. Whoa. Because it
just talks about the senators who later came
out and said, like, oh, yeah, I killed, like,
50 innocent people once. Yeah, what was that?
There was one senator that he was, you know,
they were applauding him as a war hero. And then
finally he just, like, said, I have to come clean.
Yeah, I got some shit. Oh, I don't remember that.
Yeah, he's like, I raped a bunch of people, killed
a bunch of innocent people. We just went down
and mowed out. And he was, like, running on the
fact that he's a hero. Oh, boy. Yeah, when Jamie
comes back, we'll figure out who that guy was.
That Ken Burns Vietnam, though, is fucking wild.
It's very dense. I tried to watch it the first
time. I've watched, like, it is dense. Yeah.
Then once you get into it, it's like, God damn.
What is it, 12 hours? So fucking long. Great
for flights. Yeah. And the pandemic. Yeah. The
banh mi sandwich there is amazing. It's the fresh
bread. They got that from the French. What's
it called? Banh mi. Banh mi. Yeah. Mark Norman's
infecting it. Yeah, I can do it. Spreading his
spores on to you. To do me, you gotta go, it's
gay. That's it, dude. Fuck gay. What the fuck?
I would never do that. The fuck, bro? No. Yeah,
it's pretty good. Thank you. It's funny. No.
Learn to whip it. No. No. Thank you, J -Mo. Jamie,
can you look up whoever that senator was that
told the story about how they were trying to
make him out to be a hero in Vietnam, and he
was like, I can't do this. And he told his actual
true story of what happened over there? Yeah.
What about the senators with the gay tap under
the stall? Oh, that guy was great. Oh, that was
a thing that they were doing in, like, restrooms
of, like, airports and shit, right? Yeah. Yes.
Fucking, how do they even work that out? How
do you risk that? What a Hail Mary. It's a Hail
Mary. Well, but if you don't know the code. I
think that's part of the fun. Yes, the Hail Mary.
I don't know who this is going to be. I think
these guys are on drugs, too. Imagine having
just, I don't care who's on the other end of
the stall. But you got to try it. It's a nice
mouth. Just be like, I like your shoes. Let's
go. But you have anonymity. Yeah. It's pretty
good. Blumenthal's words differ from history.
John Blumenthal from Walking Dead? Oh, no, this
is the guy that didn't actually serve in Vietnam.
He lied about it. This is a different guy. This
was the 70s, I think, or 80s. This was a guy
who was running as a war hero. He won as a war
hero. And then, yeah, he got in? Yeah, he was
ran for, I think, what I remember from this,
he was a longtime senator. Whoa, is that Jay
Leno? No, no, no. Oh, it's John Kerry. Holy shit.
I don't think that's it. It was a guy who said
he's part of the, not the Rape of Nanking, some
well -known thing. He was like, that was me.
That was all of my guys. We fucking did horrible,
horrible things. Pop quiz. Who's the only president
not to serve? In the military? Trump. And? The
Vietnamese government has accused Senator Bob
Kerry. No, it was somebody who came out on his
own. Oh. All right, whatever. We probably shouldn't
mention that. Not to serve? Carry out. No, Lincoln
wasn't in the Army, was he? There's a bunch of
those guys that won. George Washington. Adams.
No, he was definitely in. Washington. What are
you kidding? It wasn't a country. Biggest general.
Adams. But yeah, the gay code is nice because
you don't have to hang out. Yeah, just like see
ya. Yeah. What a weird pickup move. That's genius.
The gays, they know what they're doing. Lincoln
and his troops served for 30 days and did not
see any action in the war. That counts. Elvis
Presley of war. Trump went to a military school.
All right, all right. Trump went to a military
school? He went to a military academy. It's a
weekend party there. I bet they party. Handsome
guy. Bring up Trump in his fucking uniform. Oh,
he cleaned up. You're going to laugh. You're
going to go, God damn, not bad. Whoa. I don't
know about that. Not bad. For a billionaire?
That's pretty handsome. Have you seen billionaires?
I think Elon's better looking. Trump dog, dude.
All right. He'd stab you with a sword, dude.
They even knew back then. Put him in that yellow
uniform. Is that a band? You forget how old he
is. Until you see pictures. I showered with Donald
Trump at military school. What a weird story.
He's got little hands and a little penis. I heard
he's packing. West Point. Dude, you guys know
I went to West Point. That's right. Played football
there. You know how dumb I looked in those uniforms?
Oh, pull that up. I want to see that chin going
over the collar. I got them at home. Do you?
Dude, at ease. Or, like, at attention. My fucking
fat head, like. Yeah. It's so bad, dude. Your
mom must have liked it. My family was like, you're
a hero. Yeah. But then they saw me in the uniform,
and everyone was still kind of like, ah, Jesus
Christ. Of course, my mom was like, you look
so handsome. Yeah, you look sharp. What did they
think when you got into comedy? Oh, yeah. I think
they were happy I was doing anything. Same. Yeah.
They were like, nice. And then right before things
started going well, they were like, all right,
what are you going to actually do? Same here.
Yeah. Exact same thing. Even when it's going
well. Yeah. Now it's funny. I like to tell my
dad. Because usually any time I would go to a
show, he'd be like, how much are they paying
you? I'd be like, I'm driving to Cleveland. No,
you can't tell him that. He'd be like, how much
are they paying you? I'd be like, $200. He's
like, what the fuck are you doing? Now I like
to be like, Phil. Guess how much money they paid
me. Yeah. Don't make me buy your house right
now. But they were motherfuckers. But could you
imagine your kid wants to be a comic? My mom
told me. And you don't have any? She was like,
what are you trying to do? I'm trying to become
a paid writer at the comic store. She goes, how
much do you make for that? I'm like, $15 a spot.
She was like, oh, you can't live on that. I know
that. Here I am, 50, doing whippets. Shut up,
idiot. Yeah. If your kid was going to do that,
if your kid was going to go into comedy, what
are the odds of success? They're so low. It's
crazy. I would talk him out of it. If your kid
wants to be a lawyer, you're like, yeah, if you
study hard, you can go to law school, you can
actually be a lawyer. There's a path. You can
make it there. But also, if you're a bad lawyer,
it's not nearly as embarrassing as if you're
a bad lawyer. No, you need to tell them. My parents
saw me do stand -up in Harrisburg. They came
to a show where they were like one of... 12 people
in the audience. Oh, no. My closing joke was
like, would you rather get shot in the head or
69 with your dad? No way. It kills. That joke
kills. Whoa. I can imagine that kills. Everybody
wants to say you would never suck your dad's
dick, but that gun comes out. You and your dad
get awfully friendly. You got to bring that bit
back. Me and my dad are big. We would do it standing.
I'd flip his old ass up. His new balances would
be kicking in the air. My dad was in the front.
We were like, God damn it. Jesus Christ. Far
away from West Point. Yeah. West Point was like
three years before that. If your parents are
like fucking sober, normal people, and then you
enter into that world, and you're talking that
kind of shit on stage. Well, my dad's not a sober.
No, yeah. That's not the issue. He goes to the
fucking Elks. Oh, the Elks are fun. But. But
he's a normal person. That's crazy. It's crazy.
Talking about sucking your dad's dick on a fucking
stage. In front of regular people. They brought
their friends. They brought another couple. Oh,
my gosh. When I said that joke, I vividly remember
my mom just goes, oh, no. Oh, fuck. That's brutal.
Oh, my God. That's hilarious. I wouldn't let
him come see me. I wouldn't let him. It was too
much. I told him never to come again. And then
my dad called like two days later and was like.
Hey. And I was like, if this is about comedy,
I can't. Can't do it. And he was like, all right.
I'm just saying, everybody else is talking about
stories. You're up there talking about doing
gay stuff. He's giving you advice. He gave me
comedy advice. Oh, my God. Has he seen you recently?
No. You got to send him some TV stuff. How recent?
Two years ago? Oh, that's not good enough. I
know. He's showing what the fuck is up now. Come
to the theater. Yeah. Come to the theater, Pops.
You should kill the whole time and then close
with that 69 bit again. I will. I will do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, here we go. I told you
it would work. I told you it would work. My son,
he's doing pretty well. God damn it. Talking
about blowing me. I thought you were done with
that fucking joke. Nah, I'm bringing it back.
Brought it back for you, Dad. They don't get
it, too. You're like, I got in the cellar. They're
like, who? Cellar? What? No, that was the thing.
The only one they understood was SNL. Of course.
And I got it. What happened there? And I got
to call them and be like, hey, I got SNL. And
they're like, we're so proud. Yeah. We're going
to be so happy for you for 14 hours. Two days
later. Two days later. And then my mom and dad
are going around. My mom, especially, is like,
my son's on us because I was a loser forever.
Oh, man. And then now she gets to go tell all
her friends whose kids are fucking orthodontists.
And then they call back. Like, no, your son's
not better than the orthodontist. Well, we're
so sorry for you. Like that world. So they can
brag and send their Christmas cards. That is
rough. You made Newsweek. Hell yeah. My whole
town was pretty proud. All right. For real. I
thought people would be upset. My dad was like,
hell yeah. Is there a celebrity from Mechanics?
Yeah. Mike? Fucking Poison. Oh, really? Yeah.
Brett Michaels. No shit. Let's go. Isn't Mike
in the Mechanics? Let's go. Brett Michaels, Mechanics.
You're like a New England -y, right? No, Maryland.
Maryland. Mike in the Mechanics? What's that?
In the living years? What? In the living years?
In the living years. I think that Whippet fucked
you up. Bro, that Whippet. It was a hit song.
Fake memories. It was a hit song. Psycho -mechanics,
fuck off. I got to sit there real good. I got
to sing well. Whatever you do, don't play that
terrible song. It was a top hit song. Oh, right.
Now they're like, we were on the drug. Ah, that
shit. I listen to Ari's podcast for music that
I don't want to listen to. What kind of recommendations
can I avoid? We were in the car on the way over.
I had the aux. I was playing fucking Bone Thug.
and Migos, and I was considering asking Ari.
That'll do it. Good lord, what music do you like?
No. It's going to be some dumb, made -up shit.
Yoko Ono's greatest hits. Made -up shit. I like
Blue Wolf and the Dancing Pansies. Shut up, dude.
This is a cool indie band from Guatemala. I got
really into them during the pandemic. Yeah, I
remember being 20. With your backpack on. I just
want to see the world. I have wonderlust. Doing
whippets. With a backpack in Vietnam. Doing whippets.
Watching a drum circle. Having a seizure in the
jungle. Don't do another one, man. I'm worried
about you. He's going to do another one. Keep
going. Keep going. Is this that song? Seizure
in the Jungle is a great band. Is this the song?
This came up. It has 27 ,000 views. What is it?
Oh, all right. It's a song for a while with it.
Put your headphones on so you can hear it. I
want to hear this. What the fuck? I don't know.
This is what it sounds like when you walk into
an Indian restaurant. That's a song specifically
designed to whip it to? Maybe. Does it feel good,
Harry? Yeah, you like it. Yeah. This music is
like... I'm not getting big enough balloons out
of this. I think you're good. I think you're
good, dude. I think high school kids champ this
shit pretty easy. They rule. You've done three
now? It's not a long -term thing. I've seen bros
champ boxes. Easy. Really? Where? Last year I
was in Philly. friends who do comedy would play
poker together. All of a sudden they just were
like, middle of we're playing poker, they just
all broke out whippets. The rest of it, we played
for three hours. They were doing just... Is that
Steve -O? Steve -O gets after it. It was wild
to see this. I don't know the exact part where
he's doing it. His whole house is filled with
them. It's bad when Knoxville is like, you gotta
relax. That's him at the factory. None of that
seems wise. He's got his shit together. He's
got a good podcast now. He's kicking ass. Yeah,
he's sober. Doing comedy. Steve -O does rules.
Jackass rules. Great guy. Jackass rules. When
I was in Spain, Jackass made me so proud. I saw
people wearing Jackass t -shirts, and I was like,
damn. I've almost grown up by laughing so hard
at Jackass. It's so funny. It was great. It was
great. The theater, it was mayhem. Every other
comedy, you're like, oh, you guys are just trying
to get to a percentage of Jackass. Oh, no. It's
like adult cartoons. People falling, getting
hit. Oh, my God. They fuck their bodies up, too.
His dick doesn't work. Steve -O's pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knoxville. His dick is fucked.
I tried. Couldn't get it going. Yeah, I mean,
just the fucking sheer punishment those guys
take. Punishment. These bulls. Bulls. Bulls.
Like, what are you doing? Like, the whole job
was, I'm going to get a donkey to kick at me.
And you just get right up to him. Yeah. That
one's great when he's fucking shaking when he's
walking towards him. Yeah, like, this won't go
any other way. Didn't they stand blindfolded
in front of bulls? Yeah. Yeah, Knoxville did.
Knoxville's been locked. That Ngannou did not
too much. That one's too much for the nuts. This
poor guy. Danger Aaron stole the last movie.
You know how crazy that is? That's crazy. Francis
Ngannou punched you in the nuts. Look at him
focusing Ngannou. I mean, how do you stand that?
You don't. I flinch on a gnat. This is crazy.
Oh, that's so bad. Are you going to show me?
Yeah, that was wonderful. Oh, that's fun. I love
when they're like, I'm not even doing the sketch.
Steve -O was going to do it, but he understands
that MMA guys punch really hard, and they tricked
this guy. I don't think they knew. They didn't
tell him in Ghana he was going to come around
the corner. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. His face
immediately goes to the worst. Look at the agony.
They're talking about it. So unnecessary. I'm
sure there's women who like that. They're like,
this is hot. These guys. They like watching guys
get pussy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. 100%. I know. They're
risk takers. They're risk takers. Women like
guys who do flips. And they're drunk. Yeah, they're
millionaires. Do whippets on pods at 74. Yeah,
you might get some pussy for this. Yeah, bro.
What was Vietnam like? What I remember is that
every day was a war. Huh? What about the pho
over there? Pretty good pho? Pho's not bad. I
was really into the banh mi's. All right. You
just get them to go. They're so good, so fresh.
It's a fresh bread. They love it. French bread.
Yeah. That's what we eat po' boys on. The French,
without the bread, it's not a po' boy. So I loved
one of those things of somebody at some college
campus was bitching at their student union for
doing the banh mi sandwich not the authentic
way. Like some sort of Tabasco on it or something
instead of like Sriracha. Yeah. He's like, that's
not authentic Vietnamese. Everyone's like, it's
French bread. It's from the colonization. Did
you guys ever do the stand up bong hit? You know,
so paper towel roll. You're on the on the wall
and you're both squatting. And he takes a giant
vaporizer hit or whatever. And he blows it into
your mouth while you stand up. And then you fall
back down immediately. No. You never did that?
No. Oh, beer bong. No, no, weed. Huge hit, and
then as you come up, and it hits you so hard.
As you're standing up. As you're standing up,
so the oxygen goes away. Well, interesting. This
is pre -internet, you know? Yeah. Four guys in
a house. Just figuring shit out. Figuring it
out. Nothing to do. What if I blow the smoke
in your face? Yeah. Then you stand up. Exactly.
That was one of the things they did during NOM.
They'd do it through rifles. Yeah. That's so
fucking cool. That's cool. That can't end well.
Yeah. Yikes. Imagine being high as fuck and also
in Vietnam in the middle of the war going, what
the fuck, man? Yeah, so they did a shotgun where
they literally opened up the barrel. Damn. And
they're blowing the weed through. I like how
they're not touching it with their mouth because
they don't want to get herpes. They don't want
to be gay. They don't want to be sucking on that
gun in front of everybody. Whoa, tough times.
You've got to kill the day. But then what if
you get attacked? Imagine being super paranoid
and high as fuck, and you're in the jungle in
Vietnam. You realize you're in this stupid fucking
war that makes no sense, has zero support behind
it. The nature walks are good. What are we doing?
I'm shooting people with zero support behind
it. Yeah, you're out in nature. Yeah, that's
what they said. One of the reasons they won,
they took over all the reasons that Vietnam won.
They were like, the Americans were like, I don't
even want to be here. Well, yeah, no one did.
Yeah, like, I don't care about these people.
And the Vietnamese were fighting for their home.
What about, do you ever meet one of those guys
who's like, you know, when 9 -11 happened, they're
like, I'm going over there. Yeah. Pat Tillman.
Thank God for guys like that. Yeah. Because I'm
like, oh, I'm going to stay here. How about Pat
Tillman? Pat Tillman. He's left being a fucking
NFL star to go over there. That's insane. And
he got killed by friendly fire. Friendly fire.
Oh, you hate to hear it. And they had to hide
it. They had to hide it. Oh, God. No, he was
a hero. He was that annoying? Well, not that
he wasn't a hero, obviously. He was just a -
He was still a hero. A bummer of a guy? Like
a bad hang? No, no, no, no. Oh, it was an accident.
I thought they were like, this guy's on purpose.
Some people said it was on purpose. That's what
I heard. Because he was starting to see like,
oh, this is fucking pointless. What are we doing
here even? And then like, oh, we got to shut
him up. Keep him a hero. Oh, no. It's a theory.
Boy, I hope not. Yeah. God, you hope not. Yeesh.
Anyway, let's talk about something funnier. I'm
in friendly fire. I know, right? What the fuck?
You changed the mood of everything when you read
out your uncle's text. That's pretty sick, though.
I mean, imagine being on a plane reading that.
The way he described it, too, was amazing, too.
Your uncle's smart. Yeah, he's fired up. How
about that Mahomes? He's good. No. Sorry. You
know what I like, though? I came around on Jackson.
Jackson Mahomes. Who's that? The brother? His
brother that does TikToks, and his wife, his
annoying wife that screams. Oh, yeah. Everyone
hates on them, and it actually makes me happy.
No, they're fun. His wife, have you ever seen
this? I don't watch TikTok. Patrick Mahomes is
the best quarterback. Well, second. Jalen was
obviously MVP. Oh, that hurts. Should have been.
I mean, the unforced fumble was tough. Patrick
Mahomes has a wife that's just wild. She's up
in the box. She films herself. It's her and his
brother. His brother does TikToks, and Patrick's
obviously, he's the man. And then he's got a
crazy wife and a brother up in the box, like,
doing all this shit. And his wife's up there
like, you thought you were going to beat us?
Take a game. It's the best. Forcing everyone,
like, to fucking be in a video. Oh, yeah, she's
a lot. She's a lot. Whoa, Jesus. Problem is,
they keep that same energy when you get divorced.
They come after you. They come after you with
that same energy. These kids are going crazy.
Football fans? Who gets more fired up than football
fans? I'd say Proud Boys. Especially when the
FBI people are riling things up. It just came
out today that the FBI was involved in Black
Lives Matter protests, turning them violent.
Come on. No, they wouldn't do that. There's allegations.
Let's see if we can find that. They were doing
it during Vietnam. The fucking watch. The fucking
watch. My BLM alarm. You still have that stupid
fucking watch. This thing runs like a watch.
It doesn't wet at all. What time does it say?
It runs like a watch. 501. Feds deliberately
targeted BLM protesters to disrupt the movement,
a report says. Oh, boy. They did it in Vietnam.
In the Vietnam thing they were talking about.
Yeah, they do it with everything. They do it
with everything. Let's get some guys in there
to protest violent. Agent provocateurs. Yeah.
Yeah. They fucking 100 % did it there. The snitch
in the silver hearse. What is that? FBI paid
a violent felon to infiltrate Denver's radical
justice movement. Wow. Jalen Hurst. Of course.
Crazy. They always do that. They don't like these
fucking movements, and they go, you know what?
Disrupt it. Just let's send in some people to
smash some windows and light some shit on fire.
Yeah, occupy Wall Street. They'll get in there,
undercover cops, start fights, and then the other
cops are going to be like, hey, they're fighting.
We've got to break it up. Yeah, I want to. That's
what they did with the World Trade Organization.
You went to a march? I went to Occupy. You went
to Occupy Wall Street? I wanted to see what it
was about. He's trying to fuck chicks. How old
were you? I was like 23, 24. The B .O. was wild.
But it was something to see because it was kind
of new, all that kind of stuff. Now we have a
protest every 10 minutes. But that was fun to
watch. They shut that shit down. Yeah, a lot
of pepper spray. Yeah. Also interesting that
they were like, you guys did this. We're just
going to hover around where you work. Yeah, that's
true. It's a totally different kind of a movement.
It was like the beginning of these kind of mass
movements. We're just going to make you look
at us as you go into work. Yeah, we're going
to park out here on the grass. They weren't like
disrupting, breaking anybody's car windows or
anything. No, we're going to occupy. It was right
when Obama won, so it was like a wacky time in
New York. Yeah, because it was 2008, financial
collapse. Black president. First black president.
A lot of shit's going on. The economy goes into
the tank after the housing crisis. Oh, yeah.
And then they're like, you guys did it. So it's
almost like there are white blood cells surrounding
an infection. It was the blacks. I mean, that's
not what I meant. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, and
they're just like calling attention. Yeah, they're
just like realizing there's something wrong with
this. We are the 99%, but they're not even. They
don't even understand what that means. Oh, boy.
They're not the 99%. But people feel really good.
Not globally. Oh, right. Globally, you make $34
,000 and you're top 1 % of the world. That's
how wild the world is. Nobody wants to hear that.
People who are like against the 1 % want to realize
they're in the 1 % of this country. Aha. They're
like, what? I'm not like, yeah, yeah, you're
super wealthy. The 1 % of this country is like,
I think it's like a half a million dollars a
year. Wow. No way. It might be less. It might
be like, what is the 1 %? What's the top 1 %?
What do you have to make? It's like every doctor.
But the 1 % of the world is $34 ,000. Really?
Top 1 % of the world is over $34 ,000. All right,
Ari, you're in. Okay, it's $823 ,000 in 2020.
So I was off by quite a bit. That's a lot. What
is it? $823 ,000 in 2020. Wait, what's the other
number? National average of the top 1 % earners
is $597 ,000. Hey! Economic Policy Institute
was the first one. This is a study by Smart Asset
Points, the second one. Okay, so it's somewhere
between $600 ,000 to $800 ,000. Wow, okay. The
average. That's in America. The average of the
1%, which means you can still be the 1 % at like
$400 ,000. Yeah. Actually, the top has billions
in it, so probably $570 ,000. The average annual
wage gap. So a lot of fucking money. Yeah. There
you go. Oh, wait a minute. Look how it was phrased
originally. Annual gross income of $590 ,000.
Yeah, that's what it is. The average annual income
of more than half a million dollars. Okay. All
right. We're doing okay then. Well, for the rest
of the world, we're doing fucking amazing. Yeah.
We could pay 200 grand for this podcast. It's
just it's not perfect. It's not perfect. There's
flaws. Oh, yeah. I remember an old video of Rogan
on some like before Tough Crowd. It was like
four people talking. Maybe it was Bill Maher
or something. I don't know. There was some guy
saying he wants to up the national for anyone
over a million dollars 70%. Remember this? Oh,
yeah. Joe goes on air. If you take 70 % of my
money, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. Whoa.
I was like, you're out of your fucking mind.
You're going to take 70 % of it? It's like that
some places. They take a lot of your money. New
York takes a big chunk. Well, there's a lot of
people that believe that that's how to solve
the country's woes, is to redistribute the wealth.
Take the wealth away from all the wealthy people,
pay 80%, 90 % in taxes, give all the money to
the poor people. They're just looking at it as
a numbers thing. They're not looking at it as,
like, why do people make money in the first place?
They have incentive. They work hard. You're not
going to have equal money if you don't have equal
effort. And it doesn't mean that everybody has
equal opportunity, because some people, they
can make a lot more money with a lot less effort.
The people that can become like a Warren Buffett
or one of those, they do that because there's
an incentive. There's an incentive. That's the
only reason why they chase that game. And if
you're going to put a limit on that game and
you're going to say, hey, once you get to a certain
level of that game, you've got to give us all
the money. You've killed all the incentive. I
think it's not that's a problem. It's let's get
everybody else up a little bit. Oh, yeah. This
is what they should be tackling. There's ways
to do it. And that's the Bernie Sanders idea
of like taxing a small amount of speculative
market wagers. So like when people are betting.
They're going back and forth. He's talking about
taking a fraction of a penny from each transaction
would result in trillions of dollars a year.
Wow, interesting. I know a lot of people don't
like that Alexandria Cortez -Cortezio lady, but
she said something at the beginning of COVID.
She goes, do we have to get people back in their
jobs? She goes, no, we don't have to get people
back in their 60 -hour -a -week jobs barely making
their ends meet. We have to change the system
a little bit so we can actually live our lives.
Right, but how do you do that? I don't know.
The way you do that is by more bureaucracy, more
people that get paid to redistribute the wealth.
And if they get a grip on your money and they
can say, hey, you have been too successful, so
we're going to take that and give it to people
that aren't successful. But that doesn't work.
That's the thing that it all goes to always.
Every 40 -hour work week. You've got to go to
the source, though. It's antiquated. You don't
get a move box in 40 hours. You get your shit
done in 25 hours. Enjoy your life. I know, but
they do. It has to do with homeless, too. They
go, hey, we've got to give money to the homeless.
You're like, the guy's still addicted to fentanyl
and living dead. It doesn't suddenly change.
You're not going to fix why he's mentally ill.
Right. Got to go to the source. That's one of
the biggest things. Every politician is like,
I don't know the answer to this. Bring it up.
Every city in America. It can be done in scale.
It's worse than I've ever seen. Portland, SF.
Get the experts on it. LA, it's crazy. Austin's
not that bad. They cleaned up a lot of it, man.
They used to have a lot of tents underneath the
bridges. It's all gone now. Except the occasional
tent that they eventually cleaned up. Where did
they go? They bought hotels, moved people. These
Palestinians gave them a shovel. Rent's there.
It's got to be cheap. I mean, real estate money
is going down real quick. Good time to invest
in Palestine. We should get a house there. Who
knows what the actual extent of the environmental
disaster is? How long before they actually tell
them the truth? Yikes. But I remember being like
thinking BP was like the end of society. Don't
do it, you sick son of a... We got a show tonight.
Who brought the eagle? Not the eagle. Where'd
you find the eagle? It was just lonely out there.
Put it on J -Mo's table. Hey, do you remember
when that dude who was... I'm on number six here.
Who was it? The guy from the FBI that sang Let
the Eagle Soar? Do you remember that guy? What
was he saying? Was he the guy that was during
the Obama administration? Is that what his name
is? Obama. Who was it? Was he during the Bush
administration? John Ashcroft. John Ashcroft.
Big Ash. You ever see that guy sing? No. John
Ashcroft was like the boogeyman. He was like
this very creepy right -wing guy. Look at this.
Look at him sing this. Yeah, I remember this.
Oh, wow. This is weird. He's taking lessons.
Shoot him. I've never even heard of this song.
Imagine him wanting to shoot a dude from the
Chappelle concert, runs up and stabs him. If
he ever got attacked by an eagle. Who was John
Ashcroft again? What was John Ashcroft's position?
Attorney General. Yeah, everybody was freaked
out about him. They were all scared of him. He
was like this hardcore right -wing guy. Want
to lock up all those dope smokers. One of those
guys. Oh, boy. This is a wild Christian guy singing,
let the eagles fly. Those guys were fun because
they were the bad guy. They'd be like, rap is
out of control. These are the nerds. Exactly.
And now it's hard to tell. Everybody's the nerd
now. Now the left is the nerds. It's funny. Those
guys were like, rap's out of control. And they're
like, we're going to fucking invade Iraq. Exactly.
Exactly. Rap, not Iraq. What does it say? Patriot
Games. Attorney General when the Patriot Act
starts. Ah, that's it. There it is. Rap's bad.
We're going to fucking spy on everybody. We're
going to invade Iraq. We're going to blow up
families. The rap thing came from Tipper Gore,
Al Gore's wife. Yeah. That's wild. It was the
Democrats. And then Liz Cheney kept it rolling.
Did she? Yeah. She was into that? Yeah. They
heard NWA, they're like, whoa. Heavy stuff. It
didn't come out of nowhere. I remember listening
to it on a fucking treadmill. I was like a stairmaster
in Revere, Massachusetts at the gym, and I was
listening to it with a Walkman, a cassette Walkman.
I was like, holy shit. These guys are pretty
serious. These guys are like, you've never heard
music like that before? Oh, wow. No, they mean
business. When I was young, I got Eminem and
DMX. That was what I got. Ice Cube, fifth grade
listener. DMX album. Yeah, that was heavy stuff.
Rough Riders, roll! I got blood on my dick because
I fucked a corpse on a school bus. I was a giant
Ghetto Boys fan. I'd listen to Ghetto Boys when
I delivered newspapers. My uncle that was in
Vietnam, not the one I was talking about, the
other uncle, he was a prison warden after Vietnam.
And then he hung out with just black dudes because
he was a prison warden, so everybody around him.
So now he talks like that. He'll be like, what's
up, Holmes? He loves the ghetto boys. He'll be
out in his garage like benching ghetto boys.
I did their podcast. No shit. They were super
fun, super nice, but they're old now. So I'd
make a gay joke and they're like, easy, man,
easy. He murdered people. What the fuck? All
right, do a bomb. Uh -oh. I mean, he's done whippets,
weed, booze. I'm not doing a whippet. I'm not
a fucking eighth grader, bro. Yeah, it doesn't
seem like it's valuable. That Whippet was bad
news. It lasted a short amount of time. Yeah,
it's 30 seconds in and out. I like to be fucked
up for a long time. I like it to ruin my week.
What is Salvia? Wasn't that a quick high? That
was a quick one. No, what am I thinking of? That
was 10 minutes. Well, you get tripped for like
five minutes. Yeah, Salvia was pretty good that
way. Oh, baby. Don't give me that look, Joe.
Jojo Rabbit's dipping into the bag. Don't give
me that look, Joe. Sorry. Oh, yeah. A bag of
candy. That perfectly legal bag of regular stuff.
Yeah. I'm reaching for the one that calls me.
Some spice, maybe? What was that where it, like,
fucked you up? Salvia. You tripped. Was it salvia?
Yeah, yeah. You get fucked up. Yeah, we talked
about that the other day on the podcast. You
were gone for, like, three months. Gone. Living
another life. Gone. But, like, ten minutes tops,
and then back. Gone. He was gone for ten minutes,
but during that ten minutes, he had three months
of another life. He lived another life. He had
relationships and friendships. He was wild. That
sounds awesome. Yeah. Way different than Whippets.
Whippets is... That was legal everywhere. They
missed that one. They missed salvia. Yeah, and
you got 20 times, 40 times, or 60 times. You
used to be able to get the most potent version
of DMT on the internet. You used to be able to
get five methoxy DMT on the internet. Those were
the days. You used to be able to buy it. It was
not for human consumption. You would buy it.
It was pure from a chemical company, and they
would ship it to your house enough to get the
whole city high as fuck. Wow. What is DMT? What
happens? Well, it's a psychedelic compound. Science
Joe, activate. I can talk about this. It's dimethyltryptamine.
It's actually produced by your brain, and it's
a psychedelic chemical that you'd think has something
to do with near -death experiences, has something
to do with dreams, but it's an endogenous chemical,
so it's real quick. Your body brings you back
to baseline. We've got to do that next time.
Yeah, what the hell? GMT? It's crazy because
your brain makes it, but it's super illegal.
Terrence McKenna had a great quote. He said,
everybody's holding. Whoa. Holding back. No,
they're holding this drug. Holding is how they
talk about drugs. Are you holding? What do you
got? Are you holding? Holding coffee. Everyone's
holding DMT. It's so weird, the hippies I come
in contact with, because some of them are like,
I got mushrooms, I've grown. It's like, okay.
It just seems like bathtub shit. It's like, I
make my own DMT. It's like, I trust that way
less than boomers. Yeah, I don't know how you
make it, and who are you? I smoked it once, and
it just made everything look like... video games.
Oh, you didn't do it right. I didn't do it hard
enough. I didn't do it hard enough the one time
I did it. I was trying. I kept trying. I did
it once and I was like, close. Let the eagle
soar. I saw a giant caterpillar come down this
tree and look at me for like two minutes and
then just goes, nah. And then head back up the
tree. Antisemitic. And I was like, what the fuck?
Looked over at this girl that I was doing it
with. She goes, I died and came back. I'm like,
damn it. What the hell? Fucking bug told me no.
She's lighter. Yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe she's
lighter. Mushrooms got me there. Dead and come
back. Wow. I ate a bunch. I was high on Molly,
and I ate a bunch of them. Well, Molly and mushrooms
together, it's not smart. I didn't. Yeah, I was
on Molly. I wasn't making the best choices. What
are you talking about? That is the purest combination.
We should do Molly. If you took Molly and then
a little mushrooms, it'd be pretty great. I was
like, isn't this funny? Taking fucking handfuls.
The only problem with mushrooms is you get a
bad trip, and Molly's like, that won't happen
today. Those mushrooms outweigh those mushrooms.
The mushrooms destroy the Molly so quick. What
about ayahuasca? Everything was good, and then
all of a sudden it was like, oh. Great, and we're
living like ayahuasca. Are we going to freeze?
What's that? Are we going to go out there and
freeze? Remember when we wanted to refresh? I
think that was more of a last night thing. That
was a drunk talk. That was a drunk talk? I woke
up today like, I think that's going to hurt,
and I don't want to do it. I took a cold shower.
I'm good. It'll be fun. Will you just open up
your throat? Oh, yeah. I want Ari to do it. Look
at that. We're back, dude. America's back. I'm
worried about you. There's a lot of drugs he's
taking. He's fine. All right. He just knows how
to do it. Mark, you got one. We're doing more
for you. He, for some reason, can do this. That's
true. He can. He's got that energy. Oh, because
I'm not 12. Doesn't even look that old. Wait
until the hat and the glasses go off. Oh, there
we go. America! Fuck yeah! Everyone knows. We've
seen the special. Dude, I was at Ren and Aziz's
wedding, and you see the people coming in, but
I'm on the last table. And this was 15 years
ago. But did he really get married? This shiny,
sorry, fucking box that was my head ruining every
photograph. Sorry. What'd you say? I've heard
it before. But did he actually get married? Yeah,
it's pretty funny. I heard he got married, but
I don't know if it's true. I like Steve. Yeah,
Steve's the best. Now, ayahuasca, my friend goes
like twice a year. Really? He cleans you out,
sets you back to baseline. I know a great place
in the middle of the jungle. Can we do it here?
You always have to go to the fucking jungle.
Everybody wants to go someplace. Right. Do it
in your living room. Yeah. Watch Family Guy take
ayahuasca. Ari hates the suburbs. Ari doesn't
want to live in a nice place that's quiet. You
don't like suburbs? Fuck that. Not to do fucking
hardcore drugs. I love to live in New York. I
love to see people. I love all the excitement.
You live in New York? I live in New York and
I hate it. I have to, bro. It's hard. It's hard
living in New York. It's expensive. New York
sucks. Boys. It does suck. Come to Texas. It's
dirty. It's dirty. There's no room. Come to Texas.
I was never going to come to Texas. I got those
taxes and I was like, God damn. I might go to
fucking Texas. You came here for six months in
one day. Now we're going, Jamie. You're next,
Jamie. Don't shake your head. You know you're
next. Yes. Come on, Mark. Suck it. You put one
in there, too. That was just one. Mark's just
being fucking sally. It hurts. It hurts the throat.
It hurts. Mark, you're going to have to fucking
do it. We got a couple hours ahead of us here.
Yeah, we're fine. We've got plenty of time, boys.
Dude, let's drink at the club tonight. That is
going to be fucking great. I think we go to Vulcan
and then we leave immediately after Vulcan to
drink and talk there. We have all of our inspections
passed and we have furniture. Let's go there.
We're days away. Yeah, we're going to go after
the show. Yeah. All right. Yeah, we're going
to go to Vulcan, do the show, and then we'll
go get fucked up in that bar. I can't wait to
show you guys what it looks like now. It's incredible.
Hell yeah. Can't wait. It seems fake. Do you
think there's booze there? Is there a bar ready?
We'll get booze. If we don't have booze there,
we'll get booze. Don't worry. We're going to
get booze. America! Fuck yeah. We're world policing
again. Yeah. We're back at it. Ari, you think
you're going to stay in New York no matter what?
No, I'll stay for two more years and I'll leave.
Where are you going to go? Probably like... Why
don't you come to Austin, bitch? I think London.
London. London. Your staff's not brown enough.
Why are you going to fucking other New York?
That's what I did before. LA to New York. Funny
voice New York. You got to be to like a, you
know. Might as well move to Boston. Dublin would
be sick. Dublin would be sick. Dublin's small.
You want to live in London? Yeah, two spots.
I like doing spots. They got good shows in London.
Good shows. A lot of good shows. I'm going to
Australia after you. Australia. Sydney would
be a cool place to live, too. I'm doing the Sydney
Opera House. Come to it. Yeah, he's doing Sydney
Opera House. I saw Shane at Town Hall. It was
fucking great. Thanks, bro. So cool. All those
people. Wow, you watch comedy? All those people.
Well, I was there. Yeah. He came. It was very
nice. I just came back from some... From, like,
Mexico. You got to see me. Yeah, it was right
when you got back. You got to see me surrounded
by all the - It was so funny to see the Jews
just fucking glomming onto him. Jews? The industry.
I wasn't going to say it. They talk differently.
Like, Shane excited to be working with you. I'm
just talking to that guy who's like, yeah, I'm
the head of Netflix. I was like, oh, shit, I
should have been more respectful. Arnie, I got
to get to your special. Should have thrown you
a yarmulke. Network people were hovering. It's
because the New York Comedy Fest was all there.
They're just hovering. Hovering. That's exactly
right. They're trying to figure out a way to
get a piece of that chain pie. It's nice when
they hover. That's big. Suck it right out. Just
cut me a slice. I'm giving them slices. Well,
they're so mean to us at the beginning. When
they hover, you're like, yeah. Me and Moshe Kasher
at Montreal saw just new faces, and two old people
were on both sides of him talking to him. It
just looked like they were sucking the youth
right out of him. That's what they do. Give it
a second. Fuck yeah. It's cold. It's cold. Give
it a second. That's a cold punch. That's a cold
punch. Iron throat. That's a punch. Hell yeah.
That's a cold snack. Uberman. That's a punch.
All right, Goggins. That's a... Oh, wow. Nice.
Good -looking eagle. Look at the name of this
little guy. Yeah, what's his name? That's Freedom.
That's Freedom, our pet eagle. There you go.
You like free. Dude, is South Park the best?
South Park is amazing. Because they're a cartoon,
they get away with so much. I couldn't place
him. Which one was it? It was Stone. It was Stone.
Yeah. And I was like, who is that guy? Do you
know him from basketball? Who is that guy? And
you were like, you were just giving me this like,
oh. That's the one guy ever. Who is it, though?
We were at Louie's show at the Garden. He was
there. Yeah. And I was sitting there. I was like,
dude, that's him. And when you told me, I was
like, oh, yes. Shane will go up and say hi. I
can't do it. I'll go up and say it, but I'm pretty
good at it. You are good at it. I can't. I go,
yo, I'm a big fan. And then I walk away. That's
the key. I get too nervous around those people.
But I'm like, you should say hi. Yeah, I was
like, I'm going to go do it. I just walked up
to him. I said, big fan. That's it. And then
walked away. And then I stared at him from eight
feet away for two hours. I was going. I love
you so much, dude. You meant the whole world
to me. Well, they have a freedom that no one
else has on television. Nobody's got it. No one
has that freedom on Comedy Central. Not even
close. When we used to fight for people's words
on, this is not happening. We're like, they're
allowed. You got to show precedent. Like, Cartman
did it. Like, doesn't count. Everything else
would count except Cartman. You're not South
Park. Isn't that wild? Yeah. You said shit on
the air. They're just grandfathered in. Not just
grandfathered in. They're just the best. They're
above the law. But Family Guy says some crazy
shit, too. Family Guy does. Family Guy definitely
does. They go hard. South Park's like, if you
even come at them. They'll fucking eviscerate
you. They'll do another one. The guy who put
them on the map, they eviscerated. They're too
good. They took George Clooney, who put them
over. And we're like, sorry, dude, we got to
come after you. The smug? The smug clown? You're
being a douche. We got to come after you. Thank
you for giving us everything we have, but we
have to come after you. Bro, that Kanye, Carlos
Mencia episode. Oh, he's like, I'm not funny,
man. I got no dick. I got no dick, man. Oh, my
God. Yeah. He's like, you don't get it? He's
like, for real, you don't get it? Please get
it. Please get it. Please. Leave me. You don't
get it, man. It's crazy they're on cable, too.
This isn't like an internet show. I know. They're
on TV. But they were on cable when cable was
the internet. Like, oh, it's wild there. It's
wild there. It's 25 years old. They were grandfathered
in like a Tarantino movie. Was it HBO at first?
No, no. It was a Christmas card at first. It
was a video. I got the video cassette in the
90s. I was dating a girl who was an agent at
William Morris, and they were passing around
the office, and everybody got copies of it. And
I was like, this is insane. It was so fun. It
was, what would Brian Boitano do? What would
Brian Boitano do? If he were here right now,
he'd surely kick his ass, dude. That's what Brian
Boitano would do. And it's even more primitive.
Like, if you watched the animation back then,
it was even more... You want to know how much
I loved South Park? When we were playing basketball
as kids, you know how you write stuff in marker
on your shoes in basketball? Yeah. I wrote Brian
Boitano. There you go. Alan Iverson. And Sharpie.
Thank God for them. I know. On the trans stuff.
They're the front lines. They're the front line.
They're the tip of the spear. What's going on
here? Give me some volume. Christmas is forgiving.
I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy this
time. We finish it. There can be Wendy Wendy
They're just cutting up pieces of paper He's
a Street Fighter character all of a sudden. Killed
them all. It killed Kenny. That's the first one.
Oh, really? Yeah, the first. They killed Kenny.
Wow. It's also great that people like it. This
would suck if people were like, we hate that
show. It's shitty. But people love it. They can't
say that. They entertain so many people, they
just can't say it. It's too good. They keep coming
after them. It's like, they stopped. Because
no one bowed down. They just stopped and went
away. Do you remember when they drew Muhammad?
No, I mean the anger at them. Like, we're going
to stop you. Remember when they drew Muhammad,
but they drew Muhammad in a bear suit inside
of a van? They're the NWA of comedy. They go
hard. They go pretty fucking hard. They also,
every time I watch the episode, I go, fuck, I
was wrong. I'm gay. They're right. Yeah. Because
I had any opinion. They hit both sides. So if
you're like, yeah, you're attacking the other
side, and they turn it to your side, and you're
like, ah, damn it. Damn. I'm lame. And then you
see, you saw the documentary. Yeah. You know,
and they're just sitting in a room like, ah,
the clock's ticking. We've got to figure out
an angle here. It was the fucking, it was the.
human centipede one where he's like, Kyrie! A
cuttlefish? Exactly. And then when you're like,
maybe I should pull back on my comedy. I go too
dark. And then you see that and you're like,
no! Fuck it! It's fun. Yeah. Yeah, the thing
about it is that it's cartoons, and they're not
even remotely realistic cartoons, so you can
get away with so much. And they never age. Not
only gets too old. No, they age one year once.
Really? That was it. They went to fourth grade.
Miss Chokes on Dick? It's like we can get a whole
new set of teachers now, aging one year. Wow.
They're also right. That's the hard part. Remember
when the teacher had a war off with Paracel?
Mr. Shave? Shove her up his ass. He was just
so casual waiting. No, that's Horry. Mr. Shave?
No, that's for sure Horry. Okay, let me show
you now. I learned about Rim Job from South Park.
What a show. The PC prints, all of it. They've
been on for what now? 25 years? 26 years? Literally
my whole life. 1997, I think. Freshman year of
college for me. I was thinking about it this
week when I was watching the new episode. I was
like, when this ends, I'm going to be fucking
sad. This has been my whole life. I wonder if
they're ever going to end. They will eventually.
Seems like they enjoy it. I mean, it's so funny.
They have to be having a good time. Two where
they could be like, we're taking three years
off, and anybody, like, whatever you want to
do. Like Curb. Whenever you want to come back,
you're welcome to. It's funny because, like,
if you give people the freedom to do whatever
the fuck you want, you get a South Park, but
they're never going to do that again. It was
Colin Quinzel, keynote address at Montreal. He
was like, industry, if you got it right half
the time, I could understand you talking. But
you're right never. Don't you just want to shut
up and let us fail on our terms? That's why the
internet's great. We can just go to that. When
are you going to say the pendulum's going to
swing back? Well, the pendulum is good for us,
though. The pendulum not swinging back is good
for the internet. Imagine if this show was on
Comedy Central. Imagine the notes we would get.
Like this? We're doing whippets. We're doing
bong hits. We may or may not have done mushrooms.
Nobody did mushrooms. Nobody did mushrooms, though.
Mushrooms are bad. Comedy Central was right in
this case because we did not do mushrooms. We
definitely did not because those are not legal.
They'd have a lot of notes, though. We need more
gays than just Jamie. It was so weird fighting
with them. Jamie. Oh, this one's yours, Jamie.
Oh, yeah, Jamie. We hand that to Big Jamie. Yeah,
J -Mo. J -Mo, you got to get in on this, big
dog. Come on, you big knife. You got to get in
on this, big dog. Come on. Yeah, he's playing
it for himself, hitting the music for himself.
J -Mo gets fired up. Come on, J -Mo. Fire it
up, J -Mo. Look at how fast he sucks. J -Mo rules.
J -Mo rules. That's Columbus, Ohio in the fucking
house. Pull this motherfucker up. Hell yeah.
Suck on my balls. Underrated as a bro. J -Mo.
J -Mo's the bro, man. Dude, when I see J -Mo
walk into a room, I go, yeah. J -Mo's the bro.
He's ever done it with it. He's jacked and he's
quiet. He's the fucking Michael Jordan of podcast
producers. He cries. He's even close. He's the
goat. He fucking burps hard. Yeah. Great arms.
He moved it away. Huge dick. Last night, I was
trying to talk him into going to a strip club.
He was like, gotta work. Yeah, he wouldn't do
it. And he wanted to go. I could tell he wanted
to hang out with me and drink. You can't go down
that road. And he didn't want to do it. You hired
the right guy. You got a good guy. I'm at a comedy
club. I was trying all my tactics. America! Shane
has good tactics. I'm pretty good at peer pressure.
The main one is just, you won't. Yeah, you just
got to do that for an hour. And then I'm about
to be like, I got to get out of here last night
before this goes south. It went south. I have
my commitment. It doesn't work with women. My
one hour in front of the computer commitment.
I've tried that with girls. It did go south.
It did go south. Actually, that was the first
time. That was actually, it went north. It went
north. It was pretty fun. It went northwest.
Nick's the shit. Nick's a good dude. Nick's a
good egg. Nick is. He looks like if Bart Simpson
grew up. He's a good dude. He's a solid dude.
Like, when the club opens up, I'm 100 % committed
to still doing Vulcan. Really? Yeah, I want to
do that, too. That's competition. Nah, not really.
There's no competition in comedy. I don't believe
it. There's more sets and less sets. I don't
believe it. I believe that's like competition,
like doing someone else's podcast is like competition.
I don't believe it. No. No. Oh, shit. Should
I be here? We flipped the script. The internet
flipped the script. Did you do one yet? Yeah.
Yeah, you're up, Gil. 100%, bro. He's already
five years in. Yeah. Okay, I was waiting for
it to cool off. I know. Are you three beers in
here? Cool off a little. No, four plus this one.
Jesus Christ. I want six. Come on. Yeah, he's
going to have whiskey. Where's this bodega cat?
You got to wait until it kicks in. You got to
wait for the right time. Still holds up. Get
at it, baby. Look at that neck. Fuck yeah. All
right. I'm going to get a new song. Freedom is
the only way. No, no, don't get a new song. No,
no, no, no, no. That's our song, man. Hey, can
you prepare me an ice cold? Okay, you want a
freedom burger? An ice cold bong? Hey, I'm going
to piss. Try not to say anything. All right,
I'll be roguing on the pisser. Hey, Marky. Yeah,
you've lost it, old man. Fuck yeah. Yes. I just
hit my butt and suck on my balls. Mancia was
right about him. Dude, how much has Mancia ruled?
Oh, man, he's a funny guy. I actually opened
for him once. He was very nice. Come on. I swear
to God. Really? The Second Street Comedy Club
in Harrisburg. They have two clubs there? They
did. It failed pretty quick. Yeah, yeah. And
I was the only host. I did the sound, the lights,
and the hosting. You did the turn your cell phones
off? No. There was no announcements. I was drunk
doing the hosting. I was doing the announcements
from the piano. The piano player wasn't there
at the comic store. I was like, guys, turn your
phones off. Make sure to be there. Be quiet.
Hey, we had an earthquake last week. Aren't earthquakes
weird? I was like, no! No! I had to open for
a comic. I don't want to name him. But he...
He played, he was like, I want my intro song
to be Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon. I like that
song. Of course. God, you're a fucking loser.
It is actually a great song, but it's gay to
say you like it. That's what you got to take
to your grave. And that can't be your bring -up
music. Yeah, as an intro song in comedy. I've
been doing Black Skinhead. Intro songs. See,
that's corny. You can't pick a too cool of a
song. It's so cool. It's just the beat up front.
Yeah. I don't want to fucking do it. I come out
to Tops Drop by Fat Pat. There you go. You know
who else comes out to that? Who? Who's the black
dude, heavyweight? My balls was hot. Lavelle
Crawford. No, no, no. Derek Lewis. H -Town. It's
a Houston classic. Derek's the man. That's what
he comes out to. The best come out music was
Homer Simpson, Why Can't We Be Friends. Listen
to how good this is as an intro song. Wait till
it kicks in. You should do that bomb when it
hits in. Mark's got it. Ooh, that is catchy.
That's fun, right? This is not too serious. This
is Fat Pat. Oh, shit. This is Mr. Pat. That's
a classic. That's a classic. That's a great one.
You know, my favorite was, I didn't know the
UFC that well, but when Wonderboy fought Tyron
Woodley. I rarely watched UFC. Yeah. And then
Wonderboy came out to fucking Tenacious D, Wonderboy.
Good for him. And he was fighting Woodley, who
at the time was just a yoked fucking black dude.
Tough guy. And then you see this karate guy coming
out to Tenacious D, and I was like, come on,
brother. Please. Give us one. He's a good fighter,
though. Who, Wonderboy? Yeah, Wonderboy's the
man. Yeah, he's fucking unreal. Wonderboy's the
man. But I think he did lose that one. I think
it was a draw. Oh. I think it was a draw. All
right. But there was one point where Woodley
had him in the deepest guillotine you've ever
seen. Then he popped his head out, and it was
like, ah. Ah, Whitey. It was a great fight. There
was two great fights. That was McGregor versus
Alvarez, was it? I think it was that night. I
think the best fight is Gagey versus Michael
Johnson. It's a fucking bloodbath. Ooh, that's
a great fight. That's a great fight. That was
Gaethje's first fight in the UFC. What? No way.
Yeah, it was. Yeah, Gaethje had come over from
the PFL. He was the PFL champion, and he came
over to the UFC, and it was, like, one of the
most exciting prospects. I remember thinking,
like, this guy's wild. He goes down, like, twice,
but comes back up. He's the most violent guy
in the most violent sport. He's my favorite fighter
to watch. Gaethje? Gaethje? Oh, my God. Diaz,
dude. Well, Diaz is a fun personality, fun -loving
guy. He's a character. He's a car. The last several
fights he's been in have been fun. I was at his
fight with Epstein where he fucking gave the
fingers. We were sitting there. We're like, what?
Epstein. Our jujitsu guy. Jesus Christ. Epstein.
Epstein. Oh, yeah, the jujitsu guy. Epstein.
Oh. You know him. Oh, yeah. I thought you were
saying he's fighting Epstein. And he was like,
what? Oh, you were with Epstein. Yeah. He was
giving the fingers. He was like, what? That's
not part of it. Him versus Rocky. Marciano. No.
Leon Edwards. Him versus Leon Edwards. Oh, yeah.
So he catches doing a triangle. He knows. He's
all right. Flexes. Yeah, that's fun. He's got
two minutes left. There's zero chances. Full
on lock on the triangle. He doesn't have to grab
his head. It's over. That was my favorite. Joe,
that was like my favorite call you did. Was him
walking, he's walking towards him like a fucking
horror movie. He knows his luck. He's banged
up, just like still walking. That was 08. Yeah.
Holy moly. He was the younger brother then. Yeah.
He wasn't his own man yet. That's a good point.
Yeah, you're right. But still, wicked jiu -jitsu.
Nasty jiu -jitsu. Purple belt. Does he still
say that? What? He was saying he was a purple
belt for a long time. Was he? I'd be like, shut
up, dude. Just a purple belt. That's fine. He
landed on Leon, the slap and the straight. Oh,
my God. When he hit him with that straight left
hand, he's like, ooh. Gotcha, bitch. See, that's
why it's the fun of sport, because they have
personalities. The Dolphins are just the Dolphins.
Nah, you'd be surprised. Well, you showed me
some Jalen Hurts. They didn't let him fucking
go nuts on air anymore. Yeah, they contain those
guys. They're trying to sell sponsors. They've
contained them for a while, but now there's Twitter.
True. You know he's a flat earther now. After
that game. Yeah. That helps. Well, eventually
they all become flat earthers. They get dinged
in the head. What music does Nate come out to?
The sky's not real. What does he come out to?
I don't know. What does Nate Diaz come out to?
I'll tell you what he comes out to. I'll take
a California Love and then switch to something.
California Love. Too short? 99 Bitches? 99 Red
Balloons. West Coast. Luftwaffe. Yeah. Yeah,
walkout music's important. Oh, yeah. I love when
a Brazilian comes out and just whistles and drums
and bullshit. I was in Brazil with Rogan, our
first Brazil fight, and they were all chanting.
Nate Diaz walked up to a mashup of four songs.
Oh, wow. Could you mash up? Could you play it?
DMX, Lil Wayne, Drake. Wow. He had four songs.
And Tupac. Interesting. Wow. Interesting. Hit
it, J -Mo. So you just fucking mixed it all up.
The way I am was at the garden. I was at that
one. Whoa. That was pretty sick. That was the
fucking bad motherfucker belt, which I wish they
hadn't done. The bad motherfucker belt sucked.
It sucked. It was like they were too aware of
it. It was kind of fun, though. That's his mashup.
Masvidal comes out. There's not much like a world
championship walkout at the UFC. Sometimes I
take my headset off. Like when I'm sitting there
doing commentary, when someone's walking out,
I just take my headset off. Just to take it in.
Just to take it in. I'm a fan, man. I'm a professional
fan. He comes out to Scarface, which is fucking
sick. One of the cool things about being a UFC
commentator is I'm just like a professional fan.
He came out to DMX, right? Didn't Anderson come
out to DMX? I like the gi, because they look
like nerds, and then they kick ass. Olden days.
We were at a fight. Ain't no sunshine. That's
a classic. That's a good one. That's a classic.
What's this? Is Anderson's walking out? Ain't
no sunshine. Bill Withers. Yeah, Bill Withers
was the fucking man. He died during COVID and
everyone was like, he's alive? He made me so
sad. I love that guy's music. He's great. That
song, Use Me? Yes. Oh my God, that's such a good
song. That was in, you know what was nice? I'm
fucked up. What? They put it in Any Given Sunday.
You ever see that movie? Yeah. Awesome. Pacino.
What's his name? Hal Pacino. The old quarterback,
Cap Rooney. He's like the veteran all -star.
He was hurt, and then he comes back in the playoffs,
and they play Use Me. It's such a perfect song.
It's like a guy whose body's destroyed. It's
like you keep on using it. RG3. That's what my
wife says. Use Me. How nice is this? Oh, what
a great song this is. Boy, you pulled out a quick
game. Perfect for a geezer quarterback that's
getting fucking hurt. Good catch on the song.
Let me just hear just the song. Let's go to the
ball and it plays it. You think football players
watch this and go like the way we watch stand
-up in movies? Probably. It's like, that's not
the way it is. Everything. Movies fuck up everything.
Movies fuck up everything. They do. There's no
way they get it right. Like every boxing movie.
Every time someone plays pool in a movie. He
hated Whiplash. That movie Whiplash was so fucking
sick. It was such a good movie. Great movie.
But she was like, he's a jazz musician. He goes,
there's no jazz competitions. He just couldn't
get over that. Oh, yeah, I get it. The same way
we couldn't get over fucking lockers and punchline.
Kumite's. No. And kickboxer. The Kumite with
Jean -Claude Van Damme. Yeah, that's right. Oh,
yeah. And you're like, no, we don't do that.
Is that Bloodsport? Yeah, Bloodsport. You're
right, you're right. That's how I am with football
movies. It just ruins. I get it. There's like
a giant hit on every play. That would be the
biggest hit of the entire season. Remember the
movie Warrior? The movie Warrior. To fight with
one hand tied behind your back? No, no, no. That's
Red Belt. That's Warriors with Tom Hardy. The
movie Warrior, they fight two days in a row.
I was in the movie theater. I was like, you can't.
You're killing me. These guys would be swollen
up. Their faces would look like watermelons.
They'd be so busted up. Yeah, they're fine the
next day. There's not a fucking chance you're
fighting two days in a row. Yeah, but look at
those hot guys. He's good. Too many guys are
getting flatlined and you're fucking getting
elbowed in the face. Who's that guy on the right?
That's his brother. He's a hot guy. They're all
hot guys. A couple of hugs. It wasn't the worst
movie, but there's a suspension of disbelief
that's required. I don't know how to open up
my throat, but this guy just sips it for a while.
You don't know how to open up your throat because
you poisoned it with whippets. Finish it. It's
done. I'm enjoying the show. You're so sad. I'm
going to hit the bathroom again with some of
these bottles. Yeah, I think they do that with
military, too. They have all these side -by -sides
of a real green versus the movie. There's a movie
where it's like everybody's fucking Hispanic
and black and a lady. And they're like, here's
the squad it was based off of. It's five chubby
dudes with beards. Yes. Train killers. Afghanistan.
Right, exactly. They have the woman general.
Oh, man, they fucked that up. God, they fucked
that up. They love doing that. They love doing
that in movies. Yeah, the woman in construction.
The woman who's in control. like a fucking diner
shitty diner for hot dogs and we walked by a
Lifetime original like billboard and it was two
female cops with like guns out with like a male
cop sergeant behind them and Rogan goes Lifetime
is sci -fi for women oh that's good it's science
fiction total fiction that's a bit that's what
it felt like we were the ones who were like the
fucking beat up guys. We're Charlie's Angels.
They always are like, man of the world, we're
toxic, but then they just do it in the movie.
We're going to do karate. And then we'll do karate
and we'll pay our own bills. And the big guy
tried to beat me up and I was like, no way. There's
nothing funnier than karate with pumps on. It's
hard enough to do karate barefoot. You're wearing
pumps. And then the movie bombs, but then Fifty
Shades of Grey is like a bestseller. Isn't that
crazy? The Fifty Shades of Grey thing is so nuts.
They love it. My buddy said that he was like
on dating apps or dating girls at the time. He's
like, dude, girls want me to spit in their mouth
now, like out of nowhere. Who said that? I was
like, what? I'll tell you later. Okay, okay,
okay. Somebody. He was realizing what was happening
because of Fifty Shades of Grey, that women were
into getting choked and spit on and stuff. Oh,
yeah. And he was like out of nowhere. It's like
the movie changed fantasies. It changed the game.
Definitely. The billionaire who's like a bad
boy, but you get to control. Yeah. It's never
a poor guy. It's got to be a millionaire. McCusker
had a funny joke about that. He was a fucking
plumber. Everybody would be like, God damn, that
guy's a rapist. That's what I'm saying. Some
guy in a trailer that was like, I'm going to
beat the hell out of you. Yeah. It's never a
janitor. But the guy with the fucking private
jet, I'm good. Good choice. Good choice, old
man. J -Mo, you're coming up soon. J -Mo, you're
up. He can take them down like Chinatown. I'm
just disappointed that you guys don't want to
do the cold plunge. That was part of the plan
last night. I know, but I put my hand in that
last time. It sucks. That's the whole point.
It hurts. It sucks. I've never done a cold plunge
in my life. Let's go. It ain't fun. Let me black
out. Let my body go numb. Yeah, there you go.
It'll wake you up, too. If you're in a blackout
and you cold plunge, you'll be up and at them.
That's West Point, baby. Hey, not to bring this
down, but I was reading this article today. I
was reading this article today about a slaughterhouse
that got fined for having too many children working
there. Now we're talking. Children working in
a slaughterhouse? That wasn't bad. And so then
I read this article that was researching this
slaughterhouse as one of the worst safety records
in the entire country. This slaughterhouse, they've
had decapitations there. A bunch of people have
died. People got decapitated. More than 100 children
have been discovered to be illegally employed
by a slaughterhouse cleaning firm across the
country. Federal authorities and the Department
of Labor announced that a federal investigation
found Wisconsin -based Packers Sanitation Services
employed at least 102 children. Now, who are
these hero kids that are like, I'll do this at
13? These kids are animals. Ranging from 13 to
17 years old. Get a job. To work overnight shifts
at 13 meat processing facilities. Can you imagine
being 13 and you're cleaning saws? These are
good kids. Bone saws and brisket saws and head
splitters. That's how we're going to beat Russia.
Right. Send over these fucking 13 -year -olds.
Look at this. A 14 -year -old child worked at
a Nebraska facility from 11 p .m. to 5 a .m.,
five to six days a week. Good kids. From December
2021 to April 2022, clean machines used to cut
meat. Wow. At one point, the child fell asleep
in class and also missed class after suffering
injuries as a result of chemical burns. Several
other children were also reported to have suffered
from chemical burns. Holy fuck, man. Good for
them. Yeah. Tough kid. $1 .5 million in civil
penalties. It's funny. If there's different guests
on here right now, they'd give us a lot more
weight. Look at this stuff. Look at this. Go
back up. Scroll. Look at this. The Department
of Labor assessed them $15 ,000 for each minor
injury. aged employee. That's it. $15 ,000. It's
worth it. A year? So according to the news release,
the PSSI had paid 1 .5 million civil money penalties.
And the Palestine thing, I think they sent like
25 grand. They're like, here you go. Wait, do
you know what 1 .5 million is? It means 20 cases
of it. He's only been fined 20 times. How do
you like that? Good math. Yeah. Once you put
the dollar sign, I can do the math. There you
go. America. You're up, buddy. You're that guy,
man. You're that guy who wants everybody to be
as fucked up as you. I'm sober as a bird. Come
on, come on, come on. Get in there. I'm sober
as a bird. Are birds sober? No birds. This is
the most sober I've been in all of these. There
you go, J -Mo. I mean, this guy's a beast. Wow.
This might be a sloppy. Like, you're going to
be talking. Camera's going to be on me. It's
a mess. JB's over there spinning, dizzy. Hell
yeah. Are we doing the gravity bomb? Lick my
butt and suck on my butt. Who's doing the gravity
bomb? Don't even bring that. We're going to be
done. Don't bring that out. It's like Gomez.
It's done. Just go pee. You can't stand up. It'll
ruin the show. Don't bring up the gravity. We
can barely stand up. See him standing up with
his little pigeon toe. Squeezing his giant balls
and dick together between his legs. God damn.
You've seen it. I've seen his dick a thousand
times. It's a wild package. He's got a giant
hog. Talk about how nice your dick is. He's got
a giant hog. It's big. I wouldn't say it's nice.
It looked like a wizard's wand. It's all crooked.
It's got tree bark. Tree bark. Little knots in
it. It's got knots. God damn. There's a little
gnome in there. A wizard's wand. That thing was
fucked up. I saw it like two hours ago. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll show it to you anytime you want. It's
a real bag of tricks. He used to pull that on
stage. Yeah, he did. I would. Yeah. If I had
a dog, dude, I've got a little fucking... nubs
sticking out same not showing anyone that thing
especially high pressure situations yeah the
worst I had a girl one time or an old lady I
fucked and she was like I was taking my belt
off and she goes you better not have a small
dick and I'm like Jesus where do we go from here
I mean I got what I got old ladies are nice to
have sex with ah she was a squirter Ew. Yeah.
Old lady who's incontinent. Old lady squirters.
Yeah. Old lady piss. Metapixel and prune juice
coming at me. Every asparagus she's ever eaten
in her life is in that piss. I felt like I was
on duty. She's like, I have eight kids, four
grandkids. Oh my God. You gotta please me. Four
grandkids. Who the fuck did you fuck? She was
Puerto Rican. She was like 19. Who was this lady,
dude? Some gal I met back in the old days. She
had grandchildren. You missed it, Ari. She had
grandchildren, and he has to please her. Yeah,
it was wild. She said, you better not have a
small dick, and then she pissed all over him.
I was like 25. I went to work. I clocked in.
I had a hard hat on. Wow. Oh, my God. But, I
mean, my sheets were ruined, and I was poor.
Lived at an Ikea bed. How much did she squirt?
Oh, my God. It was wild. We had to sleep in the
corner of the bed after because it was just so
ruined. Squirters are nuts. And it was cold in
my room. I fucked a squirter once. I pulled her
jeans around her ankles, and she's like, no,
no, I got to walk home from here. You got to
take them all the way off. Whoa. Wow. I like
a squirt. It shows you did some stuff. I like
when they don't tell you. Even better. When they
lie and say this has never happened before. Yeah.
Now the better that rooster tail coming at you.
How much of it is piss? Zero. 10%. Zero? Zero.
No, I think it's a lot. I think it's a bunch.
I think it's most of it. I think everything that's
not piss is just residue. Either way, I'll take
it. Sam Tripoli's joke. He goes, you ever been
pissed on by a man? She's like, no. To some girl
in the crowd, he goes, you ever shower with a
man? Then you've been pissed off. Oh, that's
funny. I'm a big shower whiz guy. Shower whiz.
Yeah, I think everybody is. Yeah, who doesn't
pee in the shower? I think it's just made for
you. Yeah. It happens every single time. You
think women do it? 100%. They let it run down
their legs like a dude. They get to pee standing
up for the first time. Why wouldn't they? They're
showering. Water's flowing. You got to pee. Let
it go. It's pretty hot. It's just water. It's
pretty hot. I like to think about it. Yeah. My
ex loved a shower fuck. Really? Which I didn't
love. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward. It's
not the right positions. It's dangerous. The
water's a little slippery. It causes chafing.
A little chafe. Juices you need. Love a good
juice. Love a juice. You're going to need some
juices down there. This juice is loose. People
practice fucking everywhere. Try it everywhere.
I fucked in the ocean once. That doesn't work.
That's crazy. Salt water gets in a lady's fucking
pussy. Salt water gets in your dick hole. You
get salt water in your dick hole. Beach is the
worst. We thought we were slick. It was very
obvious. Yeah. I've done that. Just being a lady
just out there like. You try to have a conversation.
You try to like fake it. We're not fucking here.
Hey, look at the sun. It's so beautiful. We're
obviously fucking. So glad we're here. How about
that Fauci? You gotta fake it. Yeah, it's not
good. Ever see Gavin's video a long time ago
about how to pee in public? Rousdale? No, and
he was like, it was like showing you how to pee
in public. It was so funny. And he's like, you
gotta pretend like you're, he's like, I said
sell at 45. And his dick's out. He's like, you
don't sell at 50, you sell at 45. And he's just
pissing. It's all these different ways. Yeah,
newspaper rolled up. I thought it was a newspaper.
Yeah, it rolled up through the newspaper. Great
diversions. That was a funny video. There's so
many guys pissing in the streets and cities.
Oh, yeah. I've done it. I've done it. I've got
to find a place to piss. I think I pissed last
night in the city. Where'd you go? Just wherever.
There's so many alleys in Austin. New York, you
got to find a place where it's like no one's
on the street. No one's behind me. I got like
two minutes. And once you commit, you're like,
look, I'm peeing. Yeah, you can't pinch it. Somebody
finds you like, sorry, I'm pissing in public.
Yeah. They're going to look down on me. I'm in
Bourbon Street. Do you know that in some places,
if you get caught pissing in public, if you're
like close to a school, they say you're a sex
offender and they can write you up as someone
who's exposing himself. I've heard of this. I
know a guy who got in trouble because he went
outside of a pool hall to take a piss and it
was like really close to a school. I'll tell
you what. If I was a sex offender, I'd be like...
I was just pissing. I was just pissing. Well,
I think he actually was just taking a piss, though.
You had your dick out. Are you sure? I was just
taking a piss. I'm not sure. If I was a sex offender,
I'd go, I was taking a piss. These motherfuckers.
I feel like if that's something you do, you do
it more than just once. He said I was whacking
off at the playground. I wasn't doing it. When
you're 34, you just decide to go show everybody
your dick. We got a friend who got in trouble
fucking in a car at a Texas penal school. That's
got interesting wording. Okay. Someone commits
disorderly conduct when he or she exposes. He
exposes his anus or genitals in a public place
and is reckless about whether another person
may be present who will be offended or alarmed
by his act. I knew you would be alarmed or offended.
Notice how they say his act. They say genitals,
but they don't say vagina or an asshole of a
girl. His act. It should be their act. It says
his act. Now they know what they're doing. Interesting.
Also, they know no one's going to be offended
by a nice fat pussy at the playground. Nice fat
pussy pissing all over the place. You know we
do. Pissing on a seal. Disgusting pussy while
I was a child. Harry Potter. Squirting on a seesaw.
Oh, that's hot. Dude, it was so great. Fucking
Weinstein talking to everybody about fucking
science shit. And then Shane and me and Egan
and Tony are just setting each other disgusting
pictures over air drops. I was so jealous. I
was like, I want to be over there. Oh, it was
so funny. When Weinstein sat down on the floor.
He just doesn't know how to hang. When he sat
down on the floor like a mermaid. I was like,
I was drinking. The thing about comics is, if
something is funny, we're going to concentrate
on that. And he kept trying to bring up this
point, and we're like, no, no, no. I can't forget
about the fact the way you're sitting. Rogan's
trying to focus on him, but he's looking at us
laughing. He's like, I want to be there. Jamie,
could you bring up the mermaid sculpture in Denmark?
You think it's the same what? I know it's the
same way. Once I went to piss and I came back
and he was still doing it, I was like, you gotta
let it go. These guys are not listening anymore.
Adam went to take a piss. Yep, that's exactly
the post. That is exactly the post. He was there,
that's him. But fatter and jewier. He was doing
that and I was sitting there going. It's fun
getting smart guys drunk. Really smart guys that
get drunk. Right. He was having fun. Have a good
time. He was having fun. He went off. He had
a great time at the show, too. The Fibonacci
sequence is not what it's cracked up to be. The
Hadron Collider. Laughing hard at the show. He
was having fun. Those guys never let loose on
that level. Never. I'm excited to do stand -up
tonight. Oh, I forgot. It's going to be fun.
That's going to be fun. Mark, do one more bong.
Last night was amazing. Hold on. Let me get this
whiskey down first. So exciting. That was fucking
sick. Yeah, it's ridiculous. You missed the ending.
Probably better you left. You stopped doing the
fucking Q &As. Yeah. I liked those. I do those
sometimes. I like those. I still do them sometimes.
I love a Q &A. But that was a long -ass show.
By the time I got on stage, I was five people
in. It's wild. You let an hour and a half go,
a full show go before you get on. I've done two
hours before. I don't go on stage until two hours
into the show. Yikes. Yeah, but we're just trying
to do something out here. Trying to have some
fun. The crowds are awesome. They're having a
good time. That was my favorite part of your
show, though, because you do the whole show,
and then there's a bunch of people that are there
to see you that are like, This is Joe Rogan.
Then you'd be like, all right, you have any questions?
They'd be like, yeah. You'd be like, shut up,
dumbass. Dude. You'd see a dude's life just get
destroyed. Oh, yeah. Joe did this when we were
touring. Before there was any internet clips
or anything like that, he would set up two mics
on the aisles. He'd say, come and ask me a question.
Never recorded. And it was like, good question,
good question. And then he would do exactly that.
You suck. Fuck you. It was a dumbass question.
Someone's fucking your wife. And they're like,
no. You guys get aggressive. Yeah. Some guys,
they get aggressive. They ask you stupid questions.
What are you doing, stupid? They try to show
their knowledge of your life. Yeah. You know,
like, you say Terry's is the best. Shut up. Shut
up, dummy. That's not a real question. You got
it? Oh, look at him. You did it fast that way.
Oh, shit. Although you're still holding it like
there's stuff left in there. I know. That's how
he holds it. I don't trust him. Maybe a little
left. You know who I saw do that first time?
Seinfeld. When I went to see Seinfeld, I was
19 years old. I went to see Seinfeld in Boston.
And he did this thing. He did a set. This is
like when Seinfeld wasn't really Seinfeld yet.
He wasn't like, he was just a really known stand
-up comic. Was it 88? Yeah, somewhere around
that. No, it was actually earlier than that.
Oh, wow. It was because I hadn't done stand -up
yet. So it had to be 87. Because, yeah, it was
like, I was probably 19 or 20. And I went, and
he did stand -up, and then after he did stand
-up, he would ask questions and then go in and,
like, it seemed like bits. He had, like, bits
on there. It was like he was just riffing. Right.
And I was like, this is amazing. This guy's just
riffing all these things that people were, like,
bringing up about subjects. And I guess that's
how it would help him write. Yeah, yeah. And
come up with new subjects. I did that with Jew.
I was like, what do you guys always want to know
about Jewish people? Right. We used to do that.
Ask a Jew at the store. That's good. And then
eventually I'd be like, okay, this is definitely
what non -Jews don't know about us. This is the
bits I got to write. Can we do that now? I got
questions. We can do it now. We'll do it this
damn one night. We'll do it this damn one night.
What's with the wigs? Loopholes. It's all loopholes.
You can't be attracted to another woman's wife,
another man's wife, and hair is something they're
attracted to? So the Jewish, intelligent Jewish
women are like, what if it's someone else's hair?
What about tits? They cover those up. What a
bummer. What about great floppy Jewish tits?
They're so good. Floppy? Jew globes are the best
globes. Big Jewish flops. Globes? You call them
globes? Jew globes. Jewish ladies do have wonderful
tits. They do. Underrated. Part about Judaism.
Great tits on Jewish tits. Yeah. You know what
else? I like the nose. You like that? I love
the honker. I like a big nose on a lady. Why
do you like a big nose on a lady? I don't know.
Something about it. I do, too. I like it. Hot.
The show's character. Barbra Streisand was hot.
Disgusting. She was young. She was hot. Pull
up a young Barbra Streisand. We'll pull up a
young Barbra Streisand. Look at this fucking
scarecrow you're about to see. No, she's hot.
She was sexy. All right, you're reverting to
your act. She had clear skin and a disgusting
face. Is this your bit? No. Of course she was
hot. I thought about her. She's a hebe. Scarlett
Johansson's a hebe. Look at this girl. She was
hot. Go left one. Go left one. Beautiful eyes.
She was hot, dude. Look at those eyes. Shut up.
Shut up. That's it. You don't think she was hot?
You're out of your fucking mind. She's cross
-eyed. She's inbred. I like that. I dated a girl
who had a wonky eye. I was attracted to wonky
eyes for years. Yeah. She told me to leave the
fucking white snake tape behind. It's hot. They
look like aliens. She's hot, dude. King of the
wonk, guys. You don't think she's hot? No. She's
so hot. What are you guys talking about? Oh,
dude, you're out of your mind. Well, she's like
100 there. Look at her face there. I like that
lady. That's a hot lady. No. She's hot, dude.
You're crazy. What about Sarah Jessica Parker?
Look how close her eyes are. Ari, stop. That's
unnatural. Ari, stop. Look at her eyes. You're
out of your mind. You're doing this again. You
keep doing this. Look at her eyes. These are
your people. So hot. Why don't you love your
people? You do this a lot. You pretend to. Dude,
she's never been hot. That's a hot. Look at that.
If you saw her tomorrow at the grocery store.
She was hot. She was hot. Pull up Sarah Jessica
Parker as a youth. God, I love Sarah Jessica
Parker. Not too young. I'm talking like eight.
Eight, nine. Sarah Jessica Parker. L .A. Story.
L .A. Story. That was like the first girl I was
obsessed with. Same. I loved her. Big blonde
hair. You and me on the same page on this. You
got that right. Women just love that show. They
love sex in the city. Sarah Jessica Parker. Is
that L .A. Story? Wait, that's not a great photo.
Doesn't matter. I liked it. Fly the Navigator.
She was just young. No, but she's dewy. Horse
face. Family goes right. That's horse face. No,
no. She was big in the 80s. She was a sex sim.
Look at that with the bra. When did she become?
Look at her tits. That's great. That's a cool
gal. That movie I just pulled up came out in
87. She was in that. Damn. She was in a movie
in 87? Mm -hmm. Wow. When was L .A. Story? Go
with the red pants. I mean, look, that's a hot
woman. No, zoom in on the face. She's hot. Although,
how old was she in all these? Seven. Let's chill.
Why don't we find her Sex and the City, Sarah
Jessica Parker? Sex and the City was a wild show
for ladies, right? It was wild. They loved it.
The first show for ladies that, like, ladies
would just go out and get fucking hammered. Yeah.
Let's go. There's an episode where they fuck
a black guy, and she's like, I don't know. This
is crazy. This is a bad idea. He's going to steal
my purse. It was a whole thing. What? Yeah. Really?
It was the 90s. Wow. That was the 90s, right?
Oh, yeah. Toddling control. I liked the other
one. Who was the nice one? The brunette was really
hot. The redhead was crazy. Kim Cattrall. What's
her name? She was fucking smoking hot when she
was young. Even in Texas City, she was still
pretty fucking hot. She was pretty hot then.
She was older, but pretty. Is that Robert Downey
Jr.? Yeah, they dated. They were an item. Look
at that. He was a fun -loving drug addict. He
loved drugs. I would have loved to hang out with
him then. Yeah. Up until about midnight, and
then I'd be like, hey, dude, you got to take
off. One, two in the morning, you'd be with him.
He loved the cocaine. You'd be with him up until
he wanted to go uptown. I'd be there. I'd be
like, yep. He got arrested at a Radiohead concert,
I remember. Did he really? Yeah, I remember being
a kid and seeing that headline and being like,
all right, that's fine. That dude did real time.
Yeah, he did. He did real time for drugs. HBO
real time. Blah! Well, that was a good show.
You had politically incorrect, real time, and
now, is it still real time? Yeah. Oh, sorry.
That's the show, right? I thought that was the
old one. You want to go on coffee? Yeah. Ah,
I didn't know we could do that. Some warm liquor.
You want some? Don't check your phone, you son
of an onion. Why? We're on a pod. Shut up. What
are you doing? Come on. Just look at my telephone.
It's Uncle sending him more fucking stories from
now on. Yeah, he's telling me. Charlie. Tell
me about the hookers. Oh, I can't imagine what
the jungle horror is. What were the hookers when
you got to leave? So you got to go into, like,
Saigon? Ooh. And, like, got to go nuts? You got
a good Vietnam look. If that hat was green. Yeah,
you could be a soldier. Yeah, you look like a
good Vietnam guy. Put you in the 60s. I look
like Paddington Bear. Oh, Jesus. Berenstain.
Berenstain Bears. The Jew Bear. There's a guy
who fights in the UFC, Paul Craig. His nickname
is the Bear Jew. Is he Jew? Yeah. Really? I believe
so. Not a lot of Jewish fighters anymore. Paul
Craig? Badass submission fighter. Okay. Yay.
Love it. Where's he live? Where's he from? Scotland.
Oh, I love Scotland. Where? Scotland. Holy hell.
He just lost. Yeah. By Johnny Walker. Face paint.
He was doing all that. Yeah. He's lost. He's
won. Wicked submission artist, though. One of
the best in the world off his back. 6 '3", 205,
just like me after this weekend. A little bit
different composition, though. Probably a little
different. A little different than you, buddy.
Pointed at 205 was the main thing. You'd fuck
him up on a court of law. That's right. That's
all it matters. That's why you guys built that.
Bringing the barrister. We'll see what he says.
What about Cyril Gans going after old Jonesy?
Yeah, that's a crazy fight. When is it? I love
Jones' back. That's March, weekend of March 3rd
and 4th. What's the last time Jones fought? He
hasn't fought in three years. Whoa. That's got
to be the main storyline. Is he going to be fresh
enough? And he's a heavyweight now. He's got
those elbows. Moved up to heavyweight, so is
he going to be able to compete with the biggest
guys? He's a freak. He's a monster. I mean, Jon
Jones is also a freak. No, obviously, but who
do you got? I'll never bet against Jon Jones.
Jon feels like he's in his prime. Gon feels like
he's in his prime. John's probably still in his
prime as well. Tuivasa fight was... I love Tuivasa.
I do, too. He's a fun -loving guy. And he was
swinging in that fight. He was taking those body
kicks the whole time. It was, like, sad, but
he would still fucking... That gut would jiggle.
John's just minus 150. I'm going zero Gon. Well,
it's the first time that he's ever fought a heavyweight.
No, no, it's not. What do you mean? It's not
true. What do you mean? He's fought a heavyweight
before. When? Jon Jones? Yeah. He went up to
heavyweight one time. No, no, he's never gone
to heavyweight. Are you thinking light heavyweight?
He's a light heavyweight. Like Cormier. Trust
me, I'm a professional. He was there in all of
them. Yeah. He's never fought heavyweight. Oh,
Anderson still went up to light heavyweight for
one fight. There you go. Yeah, a couple fights.
I heard Stipe's coming back. Yeah, yeah, they're
trying to, well, I think probably what they'll
probably try to do is the winner. If Jon Jones
and Cyril Ghosn will fight Stipe, if that makes
sense to me. Why Stipe? He doesn't need to do
it still. I'm worried about that guy. He wants
to do it. He wants to beat Jones. Still wants
to do it. He wants to beat Jon Jones? Yeah. Jones
is too technical. Why wouldn't he want that?
Stipe's great, but... Well, Stipe is also, like,
one of the greatest heavyweights of all time.
Look at his accomplishments, his record, defended
the heavyweight title more than anybody. That's
the hardest one to defend. Beating all these
legends. Heavyweight's the hardest title to defend.
But he lives in Ohio. He might be... Cleveland
in the fucking house. Yeah, you know who was
the man? It was fucking Chito Vera. Mm -hmm.
That guy's tough. How funny was that? Remember
that dinner? I know. Cheeto's the man. We had
a good time. That dinner was so fucking funny.
You guys had that with him? Oh, yeah, for hours
until like 3 o 'clock in the morning. We went
and got dinner after a show, and it was us and
Cheeto just eating fucking steak. Yeah. Cheeto
was saying the funniest. He's fun. Talking about
why he trains. He's like, if I see a beautiful
woman, I just have to run. Whoa. Wow. He's like,
that's why I'm going to be the best ever. Whoa.
I was sitting there like, fucked up. Like, yeah,
definitely. He's so disciplined. He was awesome.
That's why I see a beautiful woman, I'm like,
ah, he sucks. He's like, I see women, I want
to fuck them. I say, no, no, no, I got to train.
Oh, good for him. Damn. He's fighting in San
Antonio at the end of March. Really? Yeah. Yeah,
if you guys are in town, we should all go. Weren't
they trying to put that in the fucking, they
were putting Cheeto in, wasn't it supposed to
be in the Apex or whatever it's called? They're
like, why? Corey Sanhagen. It's a great fight.
And Sanhagen's a fucking monster. Oh my God,
it's a great fight. It's a great fight. Those
guys are both assassins. The top of the game.
There you go. What's he fighting? What's the
date? March 25th. Cheeto. You guys want to come
back? Let's fucking go. The club will be open.
Let's go. Let's get a Sprinter van. 135. Let's
fucking go. San Hagen's the fucking man. Let's
go. Sit in the front row. I need Cheeto. Let's
fucking go. Where's Cheeto from? Venezuela? Colombia?
Ecuador. Yeah, I saw that flag. That's Ecuador,
right? Yeah. Oh, I'm rooting for him. He's the
man. Yeah, you've rooted for everybody outside
of America, you piece of shit. I lived there
for fucking six months. Oh, it's my clan. You
know where else you lived? I haven't lived there
46 years. USA, dude. You don't even deserve that
bong. Give me that. Fair. This is for the U .S.
How dare you, coward. There you go. God bless.
I mean, I'm definitely cheering for Cheeto. Not
because of his nationality. Fuck you. Because
I hung out with him once. It's a great fight.
Technically, it's a great fight. Do fighters
talk about other fighters like we talk about
comics? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. You know
what else they do? They're all very, to me, the
brief understanding I've had is they're very,
they're like, no, I like him. Yeah. Like people
you'd think would hate each other. They're like,
no, he's a fighter. I respect it. And they watch
each other? Yeah, they definitely watch each
other. You can tell the guys who are real because
they'll recognize what a guy's good at and not
good at, and they'll talk about it honestly.
And you can tell guys are kind of like a little
bit in denial, kind of haters. You know, they're
like, he ain't shit. He ain't shit. Can't say
he's not shit. He's not shit. He won seven straight
fights. He's not shit. There's a lot of guys
that'll do that. They'll form that narrative
in their head. I get him. He ain't shit. I'll
fuck him up. I'll do this. I'll do that. You
know what bothers me is when there's a guy that's
like hot and then dudes in the back when they're
doing interviews and shit are like, I'll fuck
you up. And the guy who's famous is just like,
I know what you're doing. Right. Yeah. You imagine
if that's how it was in comedy? They used to
do this in the UFC where they interview somebody,
like, what do you think about this fight? And
they tell the next person, well, this guy said
this as they're doing their interview. They did
it with Anderson Silva. I forget who it was he
was fighting. And he said he's going to take
you down and punch you in the face so you submit.
And Anderson Silva is so confident. He's just
like, that's a great tactic. I mean, you'd win
if you do that. That's a great plan. Conor was
the most vicious. People would be like, he was
like, I'm going to fight you. He's like. Who
the fuck is that guy? That was the funniest.
Yeah, that's Connor. I chose you. And your wife
was like, break out the red panties. Yeah. We
done it, baby. We're rich. Connor chose us. Wow.
Whoa. That's mean. Yeah, he did something where
he flipped a fucking game on its head. If I choose
to fight you, you'll make a lot of money. It's
Jeremy Stevens. Right here. Right here. The hardest
hitting 145 pound. The real hardest hitting 145
are right here. This guy TKO's people. When I
knock people out, they don't fucking move. Who
the fuck is that guy? Dude, can't break out the
red panties. Who the fuck is that? He thought
he was going to be so cool. Chuckie Stevens thought
he had it. I don't know. When I take that guy's
bull, Leprechaun. Oh, good one. When I take that
guy's bull, I'm looking around. I don't know
what anyone else has for me around here. I might
have to jump up and fucking drag Floyd Mayweather
out there and see what the fuck he's out of here.
He did. He can talk. Yeah, he can. Nate got him.
That was so funny. He thought he'd be like, Nate,
shit talk with us? I'll get over it. Nate got
him. Are you kidding me? I don't know. The gazelle
thing is rough. It's so funny. Yeah, but the
thing about Nate is you can't shit talk with
him. He'll just shit talk back. You're not going
to hurt his feelings. No. This doesn't work.
When he was apologizing to Khabib, he was like,
what are you trying to do? Oh, it's just business?
But no, Nate versus Conor. Conor is doing it.
Obviously, Conor's the fucking man. But it's
like, it's a show. It's a show. He's doing it.
He knows what he's doing. He's promoting the
fight. He's doing all this. Nate's just there
like, I don't give a fuck. This is me. It's a
celebration. You ring back home. You ring your
wife. Baby, we done it. We're rich, baby. Conor
McGregor made us rich. Break out the red panties.
We're rich, baby. So don't say you would not
take that fight because you would take that fight
like everyone else up here would take the fight
against me if it was offered, regardless of belts
or any of that shit. I'm the money fight in the
male shit at all weight divisions. So fuck everybody
else up here. He's right. I've made such a big
thing of myself that anyone who fights with me
is instantly rich. He was trying to hit Nate
with that. Nate was like, no, I've been doing
this. Yeah, Nate's like, I already got my own
one -bedroom apartment. I'm good. Nate doesn't
give a fuck. He's like, I'm fine, dude. He literally
doesn't give a fuck. You know how much In -N
-Out I can afford already? He's like, I have
Call of Duty. I have a 32 -inch fucking five
-space car. You can't give a fuck. I got a refrigerator
filled with white claws. I'm going to fuck you
up, dude. I know. I say it every time I'm at
this table. My favorite line was this, like,
they're like, how do you think the fight's going
to go? And Connor's like, I'll probably knock
him out. on the first round, Nate's just like,
he better. But he's just like, ooh. He better
is good. Take a coffee break, Nate. And by coffee
break, I mean bring me my coffee. No. They want
you to give us a quick count to ten, both of
you gentlemen. This is a good one. Can't play
it. He can't. Nate can only count to five. Count
to five, Nate, will you, if you can. You can't.
with that coffee. And who do you put that coffee?
So we're going to talk about money and business.
Connor, let me ask you first. There's word that
you could make $10 million on this thing. Is
that accurate? On this fight? Yeah. I'm going
to breeze past the $10 million mark. Breeze past
it. What are you going to make? Is that him?
A hell of a lot more. Steaming right along. Nate,
how much are you going to make? I'll make a lot.
A lot more than everybody else. A lot more than
his last one, that is. He can thank me for that
one. I've made more millionaires in this game
than anybody else. Nate, how much of the purse
you're going to take home do you owe to Conor
McGregor? I don't owe him anything. Anything
over $40 ,000 he owes me because that was his
last paycheck. I wiped my ass with that money.
I tipped that money. I was going to get it regardless
sooner or later. It's coming. With or without
you. And then the God came and blessed you with
it. How about that coffee? Keep it going, keep
it going. You want to get to a net worth of $100
million. How close are you? Steaming right along.
I'm steaming smoothly. On loop. My contract is
a peach. So, I'm doing very well. At the time
of this, his net worth was like six mil. This
is funny. What a bunch of dumb questions. What
are you worth today? There's people buried in
the desert for less than that. We're on CNBC
talking about money. I know. This is the best
interview. Nate hates this. He's miserable. I
just want to talk about fighting. It's like morning
radio. He's like, I got to do this? You know
what? You spend my total net worth in five minutes
at Starbucks, I'm telling you right now. No,
I'm nowhere near. But I ask the questions, and
so I want to know. But Nate, what are your financial
goals? How much do you want to be worth, Nate?
What kind of money do you want to make? More
than everybody. What are your financial dreams?
What to you means you've made it? A mansion,
a Ferrari? What a bizarre angle. How about money?
I don't know. Say it like it is, Nate. Who gives
a ? Is this the Money Channel? Who the is this?
I totally like that one. That's the thing, though.
Connor is like, that's funny. We're fighters.
I get it. The main thing to succeed in this game
is to either be me or fight me. Everything else
is peanuts. So ask Nate that. He knows that firsthand.
Yeah, I guess. Mission accomplished then, right?
I wanted to ask you how you guys can make the
UFC as big as the NBA or the NFL. How is that
possible? Can it be? Just let me loose. Let me
loose on one of them. And we'll see. You know
what I mean? Because when it all comes down to
it, it's about survival. So this to me doesn't
feel like sport. This feels like... This feels
something more pure. And Fight 2 was like, if
this was war, you'd be dead. You can put us on
this station and talk stocks and numbers and
all of this, and we can continue to rise. But
these other franchises are sports. It's kind
of funny. Every time I get fucked up, I watch
this interview. It's like a nightly tradition.
Nate? Yeah. How do you think this you can get
the UFC or the NBA or the NFL or should it even
try? I don't even know. I don't even... Next
question. What a dumb fuck. I don't own the UFC,
you dumb idiot. He's just like, I'm a fighter.
Why do I have to do this? Send me a picture.
I'll see what you look like. No, no, no. Okay.
No, you don't want to see the picture. Two more
questions. This isn't the matchup. So they're
not even seeing this lady while they're doing
it. Now, the face -off was interesting today.
He lost his mic. I took it off. Oh. He's out.
Sorry, one more time? All right, he's done. Nate's
left, Connor. It's just you. So I'm going to
ask you a couple questions. This isn't the match
people expected. Damn, that's cooler. Fuck, that's
cooler. Are you able to build enough anticipation
to compete? All you got to do is check the app.
Damn. Man, that's the cooler way to lead. Nate
didn't give a fuck about that. But who won the
fight? Well, the best part is him winning. Nate
fucked him up. Well, there you go. And I said,
Nate Diaz, you shook up the world. I'm not surprised,
motherfucker. I'm not surprised, motherfucker.
2 -0 in those fights. It was 3 -1, right? No,
no. It's 1 -1 technically. Oh, what do you mean
technically? Very technically. That second fight.
I've rewatched it as a Nate fan. Yeah. Connor
barely won three rounds. Round by round, Connor
won. Connor got saved by the bell twice. Saved
by the bell twice. And Nate dominated two rounds.
It was like he won the fight. And also, yeah.
Really? Yeah. The scoring system's fucked up.
The scoring system sucks. Oh, really? It's terrible.
How about that Volkanovski? Yeah. I like that
guy. The scoring system really is designed for
boxing. We adopted boxing's 10 -point must -scoring
system. There's too many things involved. Like
when you have boxing, 10 -point must system works
because it's like two guys, they both are punching
each other. So what should it be? It should be
a more complex system that takes into account
kicks, punches, submission attempts, and I don't
think it should be limited to like a 10 -9 thing.
I think that's a silly way of doing it. I think
if someone tried to invent a 10 -point must system
today for MMA, people would think it's too limited.
Yeah, from scratch. You would want to have a
completely different scoring system. I don't
want to cut you off because you're an expert
and I'm drunk. I felt like the Volkanovski -Islam
fight, by UFC rules, Islam won that fight. It
depends on the second round. The second round
gave a slight edge to Volkanovski in the second
round. The problem is, so the second round, if
you do the second round, one person scored 10,
the other person scored 9. But then you look
at the first round. Well, the first round, Islam
had his back. How could that be a 10 -9 round?
Because he really got a dominant position, and
he held it for a significant portion of the round.
That's more significant than whatever the fuck
happened in the second round. Because the second
round was 10 -9 as well. That's why the 10 -point
must have been fucked. But if you're looking
at two rounds, like, who's up? You're like, oh,
well, one guy's clearly up. It's not tied. Yeah,
but it's not the same amount of victory. Like,
look at Islam in the fourth round. Had Alex's
back the whole time. Look at Alex in the fifth
round. Gets Islam on the ground, pounding on
him in the last minute of the fight. The most
significant moment of the fight total. How is
that 10 -9? And then the second round is also
10 -9. They should do it more often. It has to
be super dominant, right? They don't do it enough.
But Volkanovski dropped him in the second round.
But then Islam got a takedown but didn't do anything
with it. And then Volkanovski got back up. And
then Volkanovski got rocked with a punch by Islam.
So there was a lot of back and forth. I gave
a slight edge of the second round to Volkanovski.
But that is the decide of the fight. I watched
it three times. This is why I like football better.
I've gone over it multiple times. There's a real
score. I need a real score. I've gone over it
with a fine -tooth comb. The real problem is
the scoring system. It's not adequate. Because
if you have, again, if you have a 10 -9 round
like the final round where Volkanovski clearly
won and then you have a 10 -9 round like the
second round, how are they both 10 -9 rounds?
That doesn't make any sense. One of them is clearly
a lot more dominant in one way. And the other
one is like anybody could decide. If you're an
Islam fan, you could say, I think he did enough.
He got the takedown. He landed that one good
punch and landed some other good shots. You could
make an argument, but you can't make an argument
for the fifth round. The fifth round was clearly
Volkanovski. So how are they both 10 -9? It doesn't
make any sense. While I was watching it, I knew
a takedown is so important. And he got them.
He got the takedowns, and it was like, all right,
well, he's going to win the fucking round. He
didn't do any damage. He's just holding them.
It's not everything. It's like takedown means,
oh, shit, you're about to fuck me up. But if
he doesn't, then it's like, well, that didn't
mean that. There's also a thing where Islam had
Volkanovski's back, and Volkanovski just punched
him in the face. He was yelling at the ref, like,
get us up. That is kind of crazy because the
guy does have control of you, but he's not doing
anything good with it. How much of that counts
towards the round? How much of these Dagestani
wrestlers just fucking up the UFC? Crazy. Crazy
how many good ones there are. Yeah, but I mean
just like as far as like viewership. You just
got some guys coming in that are nasty wrestlers.
Yeah, but people went to see that fight. That
was a big fight. First of all, you got the top
155 pounder and the top 145 pounder in their
prime. Two of the top guys, pound for pound,
fighting for the number one pound for pound status.
And he was on a home turf. Yeah, yeah. So that
adds to it. Yeah, Islam went to Australia. There's
also an accusation of someone using an IV. They
said Islam rehydrated with an IV. What's wrong
with that? It's illegal. You're not allowed to.
During the fight? No, no, no, no. Oh, before
the fight. After the weigh -in. I was going to
say. Because he cuts so much weight to make one.
No, you're not allowed to use an IV. What? Yeah,
it's illegal. It's part of USADA because you
could mask PEDs with an IV. So if you take certain
PEDs, you can flush your system out with an IV
and then take a piss test and it won't show up.
I love it. Damn. So it's illegal. But I don't
know whether or not he actually... They say that
they caught him. They say they know, but I haven't
seen anything yet. So until then, I don't know.
I will say, as a UFC fan, I feel like more fights
are getting... Questionable. That was a questionable
one. It's annoying. The Patti Pimblitt. Yeah,
the Patti Pimblitt one. I thought Jared Gordon
won that fight. Patti, that one was crazy. That
was not. It's annoying when you think somebody
won, and then they're like, no, somebody else.
You're like, this is stupid. Nobody thought,
other than Patti's family, nobody thought he
won that fight. That was one of those ones. It's
like, man, that's hard to call for Patti. Patti's
British? There were two in that card. Yeah. British.
Liverpool. Liverpool. Fun dude. Great guy. Fun
guy. Yeah. But, you know, he's a lot of fun,
and he's like a wild, crazy character, and he
dances and shit and gets in there and gets everybody
rooting for him. Who's that fucking black dude
that dances on the way in? Which one? Small guy
that should not be a heavyweight. Oh, Chris.
Chris Barnett? Yeah, Chris Barnett. Oh, he's
amazing. Oh, yeah, the flip? Is that him? Wow.
He beats that guy. They had a Black History Month
UFC clip show. It was all like, you know, the
black guy's going to win. And it was him getting
dominated around one. And then just wailing on
this dude. He's the man. Well, he's like a 5
'9 heavyweight. Really? And he throws wheel kicks.
He looks like Nick Marshall. That guy? He looks
like LeMaire. He looks like LeMaire. He looks
like LeMaire. Yeah. He looks exactly like LeMaire.
He's from Spain. He was born there. He was born
in Spain. Oh, okay. He didn't learn to dance
there. Oh, I can do that move. Are you sure that's
not the flamenca? Look at him. He's having fun.
That was the one I was with you at. Yeah. If
guys can do that, if they can walk out like that
and have fun, it's like just the looseness that
comes with that. Oh, that guy. Yeah, yeah. He's
good. Anyway. Fun stuff. What's a better combo
than Tua Vasa and Volkanovski being pals? Are
they buddies? That's a good fucking crew. They
do fucking shoeies together. Really? That's the
coolest crew possible. They're Australian fighters.
That's the sickest crew. Volkanovski's funny,
too. He's good on pods. I knew you were Australian.
Volkanovski and Tua. I was amazed at his performance.
I was amazed. Yeah, good fighter. I mean, they
lube you into those shoes. That's so nasty. That
guy gives him his shoe and look at his face like,
did it? No! That's gay. Covers it up. No! Throw
up, dude. When I was in Australia, I was on stage.
They were like, do a shoeie. I was like, I'm
not doing a fucking shoeie. Whole crowd ruined
the show. They were like. Did it really ruin
the show? It fucked me up. Did you do it? No,
I didn't do it. I started to talk shit. I was
like, I'm from America. You think I'm going to
fucking listen to you fucking losers? I think
I'm going to get peer pressured by a bunch of
fucking non -Americans. Did you go back into
material after that? Yeah, I tried. That was
the end of the show. No way! The shoes, they
hit me with the do a shoeie, and I said, I'm
not doing a fucking shoeie. Whole audience boos.
I was like, I'm from America, dude. You think
I'm going to listen to you fucking losers? They
start doing Nate dance. Oh my God, that's hilarious.
Nate is like, America, motherfucker. How nice
is that against fucking at that weigh -in? It
was so nice. It's funny that Nate says, I don't
sound like that. I don't sound like that. Well,
I don't want to bring that up. Oh, yeah. Let's
not go there. We were at dinner. He was like,
just so you know, I don't sound like that. I
was like, oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. My bad.
My bad, bro. Sorry, bro. Damn. Oh, when he came
to Skank Fest. He came to Skank Fest? Five minutes
into Skank Fest. Nate was at Skank Fest. What?
I invited Nate to Skankfest. He was in Vegas.
I was like, come to Skankfest. Wow. He gets there.
Him and his bros, who I'm friends with all of
them, they're great. And they're the most unassuming
group of dudes of all time. Really? None of them
are fucking jacked, but they would kill everybody.
Sure. They're all just like gremlins. It's literally
like eight gremlins come in, but they got there
when they're doing the fucking naked roast. Just
in time for me to be like, all right, come in,
come hang out. They get in, there's just a fucking
naked fucking goth. Oh, no. Yeah, this is fucking
gay. And I was like, yeah, I think it's gay.
That makes sense. We still haven't peed. Went
back to the green room. How have you held it
in so long? That's a problem. I was a bed wetter.
Went back to the green room. While we're in the
green room, just a fucking naked dude walked
in. They didn't even talk to each other. They
all got up and left. We just gotta go. They're
like, this is gay shit. We're not fucking with
this. And you're like, no, no, it's comedy. You're
like, it's not that funny. And then I looked
like a fucking loser. I was like, I saw you all
walking out with them. I was like, yeah, I'm
leaving. Like, where are you guys going? You're
like, I gotta go. I was like, this is gay. I'm
not doing this. Meanwhile, I was like, come check
it out. That sucks they came on that night. Because
that can be fun. The Naked Rose is awesome. Because
Skankfest is great, just not. Naked Rose is fucking
gross. I loved it. That's definitely gross, but
it's a freak show. First year of Brooklyn Naked
Rose was like, what the fuck? I'm an edge lord.
You're an edge guy. I'm an edge lord. You're
not worried about comedy. You're more about,
wouldn't it be funny if our butt and dick was
out? Correct. I'm a lord of that. Sorry, that
was mean. Let's do play. I take it back. I apologize.
Dude, dicks are funny. Obviously, dicks are hilarious.
Dicks are funny and roasts are funny, so it's
fun to get the most. I go to any time there's
a naked roast, I'm like, oh, I'm going. I would
sit front row in Brooklyn Skank Fest. It was
like the one where I saw the trans woman tuck
her dick where it just looked like a woman. And
then in the middle of her first joke, she just
popped the dick out. And it's like, what? That's
comedy. Or Clemph taking her fucking notes out
of her pussy. Who? Allison Clemph. Wow, really?
She was like, huh? And then she reached down
and she pulled a baggie out. And it had her fucking
jokes in there. Whoa. That's a hell of a Gallagher.
That's a lady. That's disgusting. Yeah. Damn.
baggy out of the clam. Yeah, baggy. Holy moly.
Naked roast took her fucking jokes out of her
pussy. Oh my god. Disgusting. He looks so much
like the one. Oh boy. Sucked in cavity search
at the airport. Like, wait a minute. One of these
bad jokes. This is smuggling fucking roast jokes.
This is worse than heroin. That's not the first
time she's stuffed anything up there to hide
it either. That's not a thing you come up with
on the fly. That's a female privilege. It'd be
nice to be able to have a little storage area.
I tried. It doesn't work. You tried to save something
in your butt once? Yeah, it just keeps coming
out. Nah, your butt will swallow it. It wouldn't
do it. Emeralds, you ever use one of those fucking...
I've never had a hemorrhoid. By the way, those
suppositories, I'll be honest, they feel pretty
good. You ever do those? Right to the glands.
Your butt just, I got it from here. It knows
what to do. It's so nice. Suppositories work.
You're sad, you got a hemorrhoid, you're like,
God, this is disgusting. And then you put it
in there, you're like, golly, that was actually
decent. You get anal. What is this Calgary Trampede?
Shirt you have on. What is that? What is it?
This is going to be bullshit. I hate you. It
was Stampede. It's like this rodeo in Calgary.
I went with Bert and O 'Neal once. It's a girl
stampede. It's a girl rodeo. No, but some chick.
It's just like an ICP thing. ICP? Yeah, it's
that kind of vibe. Insane clown posse? Is that
what you're saying? Some chick's blowing like
seven dudes in a fucking. What? Yeah, in like
a garage. What? All right, well, that's cool.
I thought it was going to be. What are you talking
about? Trampede from Stampede. What is it? Stampede
is all the fucking cattle rustling come together.
Yeah. Threesome caught on camera at Calgary Stampede.
This might be Trampede or it might just be a
normal. So at the Calgary Stampede, girls go
and just fuck guys? This chick went fucking wild.
Wait, was she the senator's daughter? I don't
think. There's a whole thing about a politician's
daughter at this Calgary Stampede. You gotta
put Trampede in. We're America. Trampede's not
coming. So Trampede was the mascot of Stampede
for a while. Oh, okay. And she's just fucking
dudes, like ICP level, in the parking lot. So
it's a girl who goes to the Calgary Stampede
and just fucks everybody? There are more Burt's
nine months after Stampede than any other time
in Calgary. I think there's a lady who's a politician's
daughter, and it was a whole thing in Calgary.
I was just there, and they were like, talk about
this. We went once. Me, Burt, O 'Neal. Edgar
and Kathleen McGee went for Stampede. It was
such trash. I threw up on a child. What? I'm
trying to keep up with Burt and Jameson. What
an idiot. I barfed on a kid, blackout. I just
heard, it got on him. And I'm like, oh, dude.
I had to fucking sleep it off in a bathroom.
Wow. In that video, in that picture. Whoa. That
girl's a beast. I think that's her. No regrets.
Yeah, she went viral. She started doing porn.
She might start doing porn. Sucking cucumbers
and fucking two dudes in a parking garage? Wow.
Congratulations. It is hard for women. It's a
hard industry for women to break into. All you
gotta do is suck a cucumber and fuck two guys
in a parking garage. Yeah, yeah. The problem
is you can't get out of it. That's a tough one.
Everyone's gonna remember that one. Yeah. Everyone.
But they celebrated her. No one cares about the
account suspended. No, no, no. She's been porn
now. She's into porn now. Elon, get her back,
dude. Yeah, but you can do porn on Twitter. Yeah,
what's going on, Elon? That's the crazy thing.
Elon, do something, man. Free Trampede. She might
have went off. She might have gone QAnon. She
might have went Pizzagate. I'll be honest. If
you're sucking dick in a fucking parking garage
in Canada, next thing you know, you're like,
there's a basement there. I know there's a goddamn
basement there. It is pretty flat. There is a
basement there. Why would they post all that
on Instagram? When landing was fake. I wonder
what she got suspended for. Yeah. It's a wild
lady. I'd like to read her tweets. I love how
you can call up Elon and be like, can you tell
me exactly what she's suspended for? Here's the
deal. I probably could. I wouldn't want to waste
his time, though. You don't want to get too many
of those text messages returned. Yeah. You've
got to be careful. That's funny that that's yours.
Yeah. Like, I got a bunch of dudes that I'm like,
I'm not going to text them. I don't want to waste
this text. Don't waste it. Yours is Elon. Yeah.
It's funny. Soldiers was like when the guy was
the coordinator at the. Oh, that's his close
friend, though. Yeah. And he goes, can you get
me one of those throwback jerseys? Dude, I'm
running a playoff game right now. I got to worry
about the run game. Get me one of those throwback
jerseys. When you think about Elon, though, these
guys running three different companies simultaneously.
I don't even understand it. Yeah. I don't know
how it's possible to run. Tesla, Twitter, SpaceX,
boring system. I don't understand anything about
Elon. And he still responds to tweets. And he's
having 19 kids. At least 19. He's busy. Shooting
them right now. Shooting loads right now. Shooting
loads. No pressure. Him and Nick Cannon. Falcon
X. Just saving the population. How many kids
does Nick Cannon have? I think he's up to 12.
Whoa. Look at the apostles. That is so crazy.
And step program. You know what's funny? You
better keep working. Yeah. You better keep working
because you got a monthly nut that's tough to
fucking cover. Now, Whitey is real low on the
baby chart. What? What is? Whitey. Like, we're
not having kids anymore. Yeah. Now, how hard
was it for you? Because a lot of guys do the
in vitro. I already fucked it up for everybody.
Clipped. Clipped. I got clipped. You got clipped.
Yeah. Easy. You got clipped. Ari's never having
kids again. No, I think a lot of people, the
in vitro thing is they're having them too late.
They're having it late. Yeah. People want their
career. They want a family. They want everything.
They want the whole deal. Exactly. Next thing
you know, they're 40 and they're trying to get
pregnant. It's hard. It's hard. It's not the
same. Are you thinking about having them? Yeah,
I'd like to have a kid. When do you think you
would go? How old are you now? I'm 39. How old's
the missus? 31. She's good. She's good to go.
All right, all right. She's got three more years
before things get dicey. Really? I don't have
a scrambled egg. Oh, 48 and pregnant? Yeah. Wow.
Who? Da Brat. Da Brat? Yeah. Didn't that woman
from Rocky IV, remember the woman that Sylvester
Stallone was dating? Wow, 48 and pregnant. Wow,
that's incredible. It's ideal. Yeah. We'll see
how that turns out. That lady from Rocky IV,
the really tall lady that used to be married.
Yeah, that one. She got pregnant late. Really?
I think she was in her 50s. Well, she had good
genes. Yes, Viking genes. Yes, that's a tall
blonde whore. That's a tall drink of water. But
wait a minute. How old was your lady, if you
don't mind me asking? She's 54. She had a kid.
That's insane. That's not Flavor Flaves, is it?
It might have been. Might have been flavorful.
Maria Desi. Wow. 54 is nuts, man. That's a gamble.
That thing could come out cross -eyed. It might.
Yeah. Look at it. Kid looks fine. She looks healthy
again. All right. Snap back. 54. Strong genes.
This could change the game. Yeah. Holy hell.
But you had them early. Yeah, my wife was in
her early 30s. When you get into late 30s, like
Bridget Phetasy, my friend, she had her kid at
like 41. Really? Yeah, last Bridget. She's the
best. Was it not a... No, the kid's fine. The
kid's amazing. I saw her on a plane to Myanmar,
I think. Oh, no shit. She was like, we barely
knew each other. This was like six, seven, eight
years ago, and she was like... I met you once
at the comedy store, right? I was like, oh, yeah.
But I was so ready to be, like, gone from society
that I was like, nice to see you again. Excuse
me. I just went back to my seat. What a fucking
dork. You were in that fucking rambling mode.
You get in rambling mode, you get to travel.
If you see somebody that brings you back, it's
like sober you up. I don't want to be the part
of this right now. You just enjoyed vanishing,
huh, for a few months? Yeah. What are you guys
doing? But wait, did you feel like kids fucked
you up? No, in what way? Well, I mean, you got
to be present and talk to practice and changing
diapers. It makes you think about people other
than yourself. There's good to that. All right.
It's also, it's like, it changes everything.
It's like, it makes the world a way better place.
Really? Yeah, it's way more interesting. It's
way more fun. Like, their fun is your fun. Their
fun makes you happier than anything you could
ever be happy about for yourself. So I feel that
way. It's just different. About raves? Everyone's
having a good time. This place is great. The
fucking universe is awesome. Yeah, they're connected.
I already just woke up. It's kind of sad. A little
bit sad. Glow sticks? Sad with, yeah. Kids is
better than raves. Remember who loves his dog?
See how he loves his dog? You fucking made out
with that dog on the last one. That dog rules.
Bandit's the best. Bandit's fine, dude. Black
Twitter. Bandit's not fine. Shut up, dude. I
would put that dog down if it was mine. Dude,
shut up. Bandit rules and you know it. Stop.
Don't be fake on a podcast. Black Twitter went
nuts. They went nuts on you kissing that dog.
Yeah. They hate you. The black community. After
what you did the first time and then now this?
I killed Magic Johnson and then this. By the
way, AIDS got cured. Oh, yeah. Hook it up. Multiple
people have been cured of HIV now. Oh, yeah.
You know why? Jamie, you're next. Because once
they get the prep where it's not a real thing,
then they're like, man, we had the cure forever.
Let's just release it. Michael Che had a good
joke about that. What did he say? He did our
podcast, and he was like, here's a sketch I couldn't
do on SNL. And then I think he ended up doing
it. That's funny. But it was those AIDS commercials.
And then just a dude being in the middle of it.
Have you seen those prep AIDS commercials? No.
Where they're like, I have seen those. They're
weird. You take it if you think you might be
getting HIV, and you're just banging guys. It's
like two dudes together fishing or playing the
drums, and then he was like, the sketch would
be a guy in the middle of it being like, but
I'm not gay. Oh, that's fun. This isn't for gay
AIDS. Right. Just one of these guys in the middle
of the commercial being like, actually, I'm not
gay. Do you have to be gay to get this commercial?
Imagine if you're a straight guy and you got
that commercial and people are like, you're taking
jobs away from gay people. So this is like a
pill that you take to make sure that you don't
get AIDS? Dude. Okay. Fucking, what's his name?
That sucks to get that. After auditioning for
years. He was just like, you let HIV positive
dudes blow loads in your butt. You cannot get
it. Come on. Who did this? Mateo. He's like,
you just go for it. It doesn't matter. Oh, that's
easy. Wow. He was pre -planned. NWA. Yeah, it's
a force field. NWA AIDS. It just stops if you
get in there. You won't get it. Wow. If you're
on prep, you're fine. So none of them worry about
AIDS anymore. Come on. That's what the A stands
for? Yeah. What's that? We might have to leave
that one. Yeah, maybe pull that one out. It used
to be at one point in time, it was like, that
was a death sentence. That's too good. That's
a rough one. J -Mo. Remember the time stamp that
one, J -Mo. You're the voice of reason. Time
stamp, I figured it out. Time stamp, even here.
N -W -A -A is for AIDS. I mean, easy. I'm just
saying. I'm not making that up. The man had HIV.
Yeah. Remember when you used to live stream this
podcast? What a fucking nice chance you were
taking every three times a week. That's fun,
though. You could live stream back then. It was
a lot of fun. We still do live streamed Fight
Companions. There you go. We did the Fight Companion,
hammered, live, Eddie Bravo talking about Flat
Earth and satellites aren't real. That's fun.
What's that? I love Flat Earth. We're live right
now. Whoopsies. I'm ruined. Whoopsies. My dad
was right. I'm ruined. I can't wait to bring
Phil to a fucking theater and talk about sucking
his dick. Dude, you've got to do that. That'd
be so fucking great. That'd be so great. But
the problem is now he's proud of me. Right. Oh,
right. Now my family's proud of me, which is
funny. Well, when you walk on stage now, they
go crazy. And so they've got to accept the fact
that it worked out. Yeah, but now my dad's a
lot. He's very, everything he does, I copy him.
So he's very like, all right. He's like, I'm
going to bomb. He's that guy. Oh, OK. Yeah. People
are going crazy, and he's like, what are they
going crazy for? But then if I'm not there, he's
like, you see my son? Oh, got it. That's fun.
It's very sweet. That's cool. My parents won't
give it up, but sometimes we'll be out to dinner,
and someone's like, hey, I'm a fan. And they're
like, oh, I guess we've got to give it up. Oh,
yeah. We've got to like, oh, okay, good for him.
So your parents still don't give it up to you?
I don't get a lot of giving it up. Oh, man. My
family gave it up too much. But they understand
you're successful, right? I think so. You think
they understand it? Yeah. Well, comedy is such
a strange world. Yeah. But I think they give
it up. Like, I hope for Jerry Seinfeld. So that's
something to be like, okay, that we've heard
of. Are they worried that it's, like, temporary
maybe? Yeah. Like, oh, this Mark Norman, I don't
know. I mean, it's working out for now, but it
might go bad. Exactly. That's how we feel. Yeah,
exactly. That's how I feel. I wake up every day
like, all right, it's done. Yeah, this is a long
life we got. Are we going to do this forever?
I mean, you're doing whippets at 78. You know
what's sadder? When people stop doing it. Yeah,
it's really sad. When you run into a guy who
used to do comedy, like, you don't do comedy
anymore? That's really sad. Especially if they
had at least one good set. Yeah. Where, like,
you could have figured it out. Or maybe even
a special or two. Yeah. And you run into guys,
and, like, you don't do comedy anymore? No, I'm
a producer now, or no, I'm just, like, having
a lot of fun. Dude, you remember during the pandemic
when you didn't do comedy for months, and you're
like, I guess this is life now? I felt empty.
It felt weird. We were all at Central Park. Louis
showed up with Liz and Sarah. And it was like,
we're talking about, like, comics, and he's like,
I mean, we're not. We don't do it. We're not
comics. What are we? You emo fucking pussies.
You're talking about Louis C .K. No, you. No,
Louis C .K. Well, Louis is also an emo fuck.
That's who you're talking about because that's
who the quote was. We're not even comics now.
That's pretty good. We're not even fucking. We
had nothing. Then when the parks opened up and
the roofs opened up, it was like, all right,
I got a purpose. All you guys had to do was not
be in New York. I left New York and did stand
-up. No, New York. Oh, really? It was going on
in New York. That was fucking lame, dude. The
rooftop shows. Anytime I went back to New York,
it was a rooftop or you're out front. Rooftop.
Tiny cupboard. Out front of the stand. You were
doing the street in the stand. That was rough.
A lady would be walking her dog through you in
the crowd. That shit sucked. Fitzsimmons, because
they'd walk by through the crowd. Fitzsimmons
would be like, just like, as soon as anybody
comes, I'm just going to fucking roast them.
Just a fucking, just someone walking down the
street. Yeah, but all you have to do is leave
this. I did the road in June of the pandemic.
I did, too. I did Texas and Florida. I did hyenas
in Fort Worth, like, early. And there was no
distancing. Wow. I walked in. It was a fucking
packed, full room. And even I, who deny the fucking
COVID, walked in. And I was like, god damn, dude.
You guys are wild. This is scary. I did one weekend
in Houston in July. Me and Hitchcliff Moses did
one weekend in Houston. And I was like, I can't
do this anymore. I'm like, what if I get somebody
sick? That's all I can think of. I'm being selfish.
Somebody's a fat grandparent comes out that they
live with, and you're like, oh, fuck. The problem
with me is that I did podcasts. It's like, what
if I got a guest sick? And this is when we were
testing every day. We were testing even back
then. That was crazy. Tested. Every day we tested.
No one else did that. No one did that. You took
the most precautions when it came to COVID of
anything I've seen. Yeah, I wanted to make sure.
Also, we had a nurse on staff. Deniability. They
don't have it. God, I miss her. I loved her.
Did everything we needed to do in terms of getting
shots. Gave people B12 shots and IV vitamin drips.
You look better than you did before. Yeah. Norma
came over to my podcast studio for like, I just
opened it. And then COVID hit. I'm like, fuck.
I know. Everyone was like, Schultz, Michelle
Wolf, I can't, can't. Norman came over. We did
one podcast. Were you guys nervous being around
each other? Not at all. We wore masks and ski
masks and shit. We made a joke out of it. Because
it was like, this doesn't seem real. It was funny.
I remember we were going, this is going to end
everyone at each other's throats. No more gender
politics fighting. I thought it was going to
save the world. I thought it was going to cleanse
everything. Hey, we all hate each other. I think
it kind of did. No, it made everything way worse.
People got crazy. I think that shit's gone, dude.
If you're still who it is. Being home in front
of your fucking anger box made everybody way
worse. If you're still in the culture war. Culture
war. Get out of it. Get out of it. It's over.
Yeah, some people need it, though. That's like
where they get their identity from. It's over.
It's their whole personality. There's turtles
in the fucking river here. Go have a fucking
walk. Go be funny. Go do comedy. Go get laughs.
Turtles in the river. That's the distraction.
I saw those turtles, and then immediately I was
excited. I go, oh, turtles. I like to see turtles.
And then I saw a tent, and I was like, oh, there's
a man dying in the mud. It's good we walked here.
They found an alligator in one of the lakes out
here. No. Yeah, it's very rare, but occasionally
someone will fucking let a pet loose. They have
alligators in south Texas, though. Yeah. Have
we talked about this on here? What? That guy
who died. And his last words were, fuck those
alligators. And he jumped off a dock. He was
drinking in a bar. And they were like, you can't
go in that lake. Fuck those alligators. Tons
of alligators. And his last words were, fuck
those alligators. And he just jumped in. He got
munched. He got cut in half. We definitely have
talked about this on here. I don't remember.
And then a few days later, his friend went out
on the lake and killed the alligator. Where are
we here? Florida? I think it's out Texas. Oh,
wow. Fuck that alligator. Man killed seconds
after mocking gator warning. Oh, my God. Damn.
28 -year -old Texas man was attacked and killed
by an alligator almost immediately. Fuck that
alligator. After being warned by a bystander
not to swim in the water. Replying, fuck that
alligator before jumping in, Bugs Feed reports.
11 -foot gator. Whoa, that's a big, big thing.
The next thing I know, I didn't even know how
long it was. I saw his body floating face down.
Wait, wait, wait. I saw his body floating face
down, and then he's up there for a couple seconds,
and then he gets dragged back down and pulled
off. He's just neat. He's just neat. It's pretty
fun, though, to be hammered and be like, fuck
that fucking loser. He went for it. He went for
it. He failed, but he went for it. Yeah, an alligator
killed an 85 -year -old woman yesterday. Damn.
Look at him getting fucking... He's behind his
back. He's got the duct tape on the mouth. He's
behind his back. He's being let off like a fucking
terrorist. Look how they do it as arms. The dog
survived and she didn't, which is pretty crazy.
Wow. Dog survived? Dog survived. That's always
nice. That's always the worst part. When I was
young, we used to go to Hilton Head in South
Carolina, and it would always be you're walking
your dog, and the fucking gator grabs it. They
love the dogs. Dogs bark at the alligators. They
don't know. So they just bark at it. They stay
right on the edge, and the alligator's like,
I'm just coming at you. I'm going to eat you.
It's so many of them, too. They ate a baby in
Disney World. Orlando, yeah. Yeah, you got to
shoot them in the head. It's the only way. That's
when those people were like, there was some chick
at CBS or something. She goes, fuck that man
whose baby died. And they're like, what? Who
said that? Somebody from CBS or somebody high
up, some chick who was like. you know, angered.
And then they were like, no, no, no, you can't
actually, or some lawyer, and it's like, you
can't actually root for somebody, a baby's death.
Why were they saying fuck the guy whose baby
got killed? Because he was a man. What? No. It
was that simple? Just fuck men? Yeah. Really?
What a nice lady. That's like the worst one ever.
You fucking save up your money, you go to fucking
Disney with your family, and a fucking reptile
eats your fucking child? It's a dinosaur. They
come out of the water and eat you, and then they
go back. They're huge. That was really her only
take? Was like, fuck the guy? Yeah, it was like,
fine, fuck him. I don't care. Men have done this
for centuries. Oh, no. I got fingered once. I'm
glad a two -year -old got eaten by a fucking
reptile. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. So many people's
hot takes off of Twitter. It's fucking amazing.
We were talking about it at a club I was at,
and how they were boycotting a club because they
booked someone they didn't like. You know, someone
who had an allegation or something. And all these
local comics would boycott it. Like, fuck this
club. And then on Tuesday, they're like, hey,
so here's our spots for the week. We can call
in. And the club owner was like, no. You said
to fucking boycott a team in my club, you fucking
idiot. No fucking way. It is a business. Yeah,
like you just said not to come here. Here's the
thing about those comics. They always suck. They
suck. Always. Not a talented one amongst them.
Yeah, it's never like a high -level working comic
who's like, I'm out there. No one who's got a
future. No one who's got a great point of view.
No one who respects the art. All of them suck.
They're all just fucking frauds. Well, there's
this weird notion of like, if you're gone, I'll
get all the spots. Yeah, that's what it is. That's
what it is. I don't even know if that's it. I
think it's just like, I'm trying to be important.
They're trying to be a part of a big story. Well,
you get clicks off of hating that person. If
they had to do it anonymously, they wouldn't
do it. Virtue signaling is a lot like... This
is the mud, boys. Let's go back to the gators.
Virtue signaling is a lot like name dropping.
It doesn't work. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
Interesting. It's a thing that people try and
everybody knows what you're doing. It's like,
ew. Wow. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. You
might get some likes on Twitter because people
are stupid. Dummies will like you. You'll get
a dummy fan base. You'll get dummies that'll
like what you're saying, but everybody else knows
what you're doing. I stand with Ukraine. Yeah,
look at my flag. Yeah, exactly. No one knew about
Ukraine 10 minutes ago. Yeah, you got two fucking
syringes in your profile and then a flag. It's
just all the same. I stand with France. I stand
with Haiti. I stand with Ukraine. It's the most
obvious. No hate with the thing under your eye.
It's just like, you guys are just being so...
I see through it. Yeah, well, the best one was
during COVID when they got everybody to sing
songs. Come on, cut that. Not that one. Help
Palestine. The good Palestine. We're going to
talk about this. Help Palestine. Come on, cut
that out. Free Palestine. Yeah. Crazy Iblis.
Iblis. What is that? You're an Iblis. Arabic?
No, you're the devil. You're the devil. Bring
Arabic in here, dude? I'll speak a little Arabic
if I need to. Is that what Iblis is in Arabic?
Iblis. Devil. Kusamach. That's the only one I
know. What's it? Kusamach. What is that? Fuck
your mother. Whoa. Whoa. You didn't have to say
it like that. That's how they mean it. It sounded
like a good sandwich. Kusamach. Kusamach. Can
I get a kusamach on rye? America. Mark, do one
more. I could use a little more buffalo. No,
I want Mark to do more. Yeah, the leader of the
devils. There you go. Not even the devil, the
leader of them. Iblis, crazy Iblis. Am I the
leader of the devils? According to Shane Gills,
you are. You're Iblis. There you go. What else
is going on, guys? What's the news today? Spy
balloon. Fucking spy balloons. What do you think
those balloons are they're shooting? How about
that one missile they missed? Where'd that thing
go? They missed the balloon. They missed the
balloon. Where'd that missile go? Did they? I
thought they shot a few down. East Lansing, Michigan.
Yeah, they shot a few down, but they missed one
time. And so one missile, it's like, I don't
know where it went. It's like every country has
spies. They're like, there's spies on us. But
that's not an arrow. That's a fucking missile.
Where'd that $400 ,000 Tomahawk missile go? Where'd
that go? It went to an inner city school in Saskatoon.
Missed Lake Huron object with first missile strike.
So it must have went in the lake, I guess. Oh,
all right. How'd your uncle tell everybody exactly
where it was and then they couldn't hit a balloon?
That lady's the worst at that job. She's so good.
I like the hot chick, the hot white chick. Who's
the guy from Fox that just goes there and bothers
them? Peter Doozy. Dude, Peter Doozy was on the
flight to Ukraine. He got stuck in Warsaw when
Biden went to Ukraine. It was just making me
laugh knowing that there's just a guy on the
plane that's just like, Mr. President, this is
what you're doing. He's some fucking old guy
like, get this goddamn asshole off this fucking
plane. They just have to bring the douche. I
love how CNN went hard at Trump, like off, like
not really the news, just try to gotcha questions.
And then Biden wins and they're like, oh, you
guys are going to use the tactics we figured
out of just like derailing conversation. Well,
Biden has to deal with one douche. He's got Ducey.
Yeah. Ducey's nonstop. Just like, what the fuck
are you guys doing? With Trump, it was every
fucking press conference. All of them. Yeah.
I love when he was like, you're rude. You're
rude. Shut up. Next. Next. No. I know who you
are. Remember when you got the lady? She was
like, I didn't expect you to call me. I wasn't
thinking. He was like, you never think. Ooh.
I remember that one. Everyone was like, yo. It's
crazy to have a guy who does that who's the president.
Crazy. That Rand Paul's no joke. He keeps going
out there. Biden will talk shit. Talk a little
shit. Biden talks a lot of shit. Really? Yeah.
These dudes try to come at him. I'm the most
powerful guy. You're going to fuck with me? I
haven't seen any shit talking about Biden. Although
he does the thing. You know what? I've noticed
Democrats do it a lot is they laugh. When someone
brings something up to them, they go. Come on,
man. That's a tag team. Do you know how many
bodies I have on my count? Come on. Yeah, there
it is. You're full of shit in a tense gun rights
argument. Dude with a fucking gangster beard.
Imagine looking into those vacant eyes and he's
saying you're full of shit. You're like, oh my
God, you're a robot. Union worker in fucking
Delaware and the president comes in and he's
like, you're full of shit. Yikes. That's heavy.
That guy probably fucked everyone in the town
after that. Yeah, that guy rules. He's probably
a man. I got to fight with the president today.
He was a man. But Tommy, I like how you stood
up to that fucking fascist on CNN. Hell yeah.
That's a credit. That is the hard part is the
right wing guys are more fun. Yeah. You know
what I mean? They're fun -loving guys. If you've
got a union guy with stickers on his helmet that's,
like, fucking saying wild shit and then he argues
with the president, it's, like, nice. The opposite
of that is some fucking fat lady with a crew
cut being like, Donald Trump is Hitler. You're
like, I don't want to hang out with that. It
does not seem fun. I don't want to hang out with
that guy. I don't want to hang out with that
lady with the knit cap that's screaming. You
know that one lady with the knit cap that's like...
You're just screaming all the time. You know
that classic video? Meanwhile, if the dude with
the fucking wolf helmet that broke into the...
If he was in the show tonight, it'd be like...
Yo! What are you doing here? That guy at the
Wolf Helm was at your barbecue? What? That guy's
a vegan. He's organic. He's organic. He's organic.
He wasn't trying to be something. He's fucked
for the rest of his life. Oh, yeah. Obviously,
you can't fucking do that. He goes down in history
like that. He's in jail. He's in jail forever.
Wait, he's in jail forever? He's going to be
in jail for a long time. Oh, yeah. They're going
to put him in jail, and he's always going to
have a record now. He's always going to be that
guy that did that, that broke into the White
House. That makes sense, that he's always going
to be that guy that did that. But how long is
he going to be in jail? I don't know. It's a
good question. Pull it up. The shaman, how long
is he in jail for? 36 months. There he is. He's
a sexy guy. 40 months in prison followed by 36
months supervised release. So he's going to do
41 months in prison. That's not bad. Good behavior.
He's got three years. Not for treason? That's
pretty good. And he must pay $2 ,000 in restitution.
Back in the day, treason was hanging. Back in
the day, treason was hanging. Oh, yeah. Hang
him up. What's fucked is how many of those guys
got talked into going into the White House? And
how many agents were telling people, get in there
and take back what's yours? Roy, what's that
guy's name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did anything ever
happen with that? Nothing. No. No. He said he
wasn't in it. If I'm trying to sneak drugs into
a plane and all my friends tell me it's fine.
But didn't he not get in trouble? Didn't he also
not even? Yeah, no, he didn't get in trouble.
They were like, no, he's not one of us, but also
no charges? Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, he said,
I'm just saying, we got to get in there. And
everyone was like, you're a fed. Yeah. Like,
there's videos of him the night before being
like, we got to get into that building. And dudes
that are like alt -right dudes are like, no,
you're a fucking fed. He's like, I'm not a fed.
Come on, guys. Let's break in. Alex Jones was
out there with a bullhorn telling people not
to go in. Really? And they hate him. He was saying,
it's a trick. It's a trap. They're trying to
get you to go in there. Don't do it. Don't go
in there. It's peculiar. I think now that we've
had a couple drinks, we should discuss it. It
is peculiar. It is interesting, that's all. Well,
there's so many instances, like the Gretchen
Whitmer thing. Michigan, right? Yeah, the governor
of Michigan. Oh, like 11? Yeah, all of them.
14 people, 12 of them were FBI informants. They
tricked two dumb guys? Yeah, tricked two dumb
guys who are going to jail forever. 12 FBI informants
tricked two dumb guys? See, our politicians are
under attack. We have to do something. They never
would have done anything. You guys literally
formed the idea. You came up with the idea. You
instigated it. You formed the plan. They planned
it all out. We might have talked about this before.
There's a documentary. It was on Amazon. It was
about these dudes in Miami. There was like six
black dudes that got roped in by an FBI informant.
They were like trying to have a construction
business. And the guy was like, he's an FBI informant.
He gets 100K for everybody he fucking brings
in. Wow. He was like, what if we, my uncle's
Osama bin Laden. Do you want to meet him? They're
from fucking Dade County. They're like, yeah,
I don't, yeah. Sure. And then he's like, all
right. And they have like hidden cameras. And
they're interviewing just a dumb dude from Dade
County. And they're like, what do you want to
do? What's your terrorist plan? And the guy's
like. We're going to blow up Chicago. Really?
Yeah, the Liberty City 7. Wow. So they went to
jail? I think they went to fucking Guantanamo.
What? This is Shane's Google search when he's
drunk at home alone. I never heard of this one
before. This is preposterous, dude. Whoa. Wow.
Haitian voodoo. Syncretic view? What is a syncretic
view? They missed Judaism, Christianity, and
a little bit of Islam. There was one of them
that was like a black Israelite kind of. But
so they just instigated these guys and talked
them into doing things like they do with everybody.
They instigated them and they were like, literally
they were like, we have no idea what this is.
We're trying to get $100 ,000 from these dudes.
Crazy how many times people have done this. Oh,
there they are. Yeah, they're just regular fucking
dudes. They just talked them into saying we're
going to blow up Chicago. Yeah, he was like,
162 months in prison. Holy shit. Did nothing.
They did nothing wrong. 112 months in prison.
Do any of the men have actual contact with any
members of al -Qaeda they know of? The answer
to that is no. Look at that case. 162 months
in prison followed by 35 years of supervised
release. Make sure no more terrorist attacks.
35 years. It's a check -in. I'd like to meet
bin Laden. You know, if he said, hey, you want
to meet him, I'd go, I don't need to meet him.
Most of them would be out by now almost. For
sure. They're all out. Everyone except for him
would be out. They got fucked. Where's their
podcast? If you watch the video, there's like,
it's, they're dumb. Right. They just got talked
into it. And also, they don't have a fucking
attorney. Young, unsophisticated, don't know
what's going on, don't know they're getting roped
into it. And there's a dumb FBI informant. The
FBI informant's a fucking idiot. He's just a
dumb guy that's like, I get paid to get people
captured. How crazy is that? That's an incentive
program. There's an incentive. Financial incentive.
There's an incentive to be like, we stopped the
terrorist plot. Meanwhile, it's fucking seven
dudes from Miami that are morons that never would
have done anything. What are you talking about?
Look at this. Question. Did any of these men
have actual contact with any members of Al -Qaeda
that you know of? The answer is no. Question.
Did they have any means to carry out this plot?
I mean, did you find any explosive weapons? Attorney
General, you raise a good point. We took action
when we had enough evidence. Question, was there
anything against the Sears Tower other than this
one apparent just kind of mention of the Sears
Tower? It doesn't look like they even took pictures
of FBI, director of FBI. One of the individuals
was familiar with the Sears Tower, had worked
in Chicago, and was familiar with the tower.
But in terms of plans, it was more aspirational
than operational. He should have heard his plan.
Unbelievable. He was like, the Sears Tower, that's
the biggest building in the world. Exactly. That
was the whole plan. It literally was like fucking...
It was like the Kung Fu instructors from the...
And then we're going to blow up. And he used
cups on the table. He was like, we're going to
blow this part of the city up, and then there's
going to be a tidal wave. It's going to fucking
kill everybody. And they were like, all right,
we got them. Look at this. A lot of big shows
have been made of the militaristic boots they
had. It turns out the FBI bought them the boots.
Wow. Wow. Yikes. It was one of the biggest pieces
of evidence. The group might have taken pictures
of a bunch of targets in South Florida, but the
guys couldn't afford their own cameras, so the
federal government... bought them the cameras.
They couldn't afford their own cameras. How are
they going to blow up a building? The federal
government rented the cars that they needed to
get downtown in order to take the pictures. In
addition, the men provided the FBI informant
with a list of things they needed in order to
blow up these buildings. The FBI's like, could
you do anything on your own? But in the list,
they didn't include any explosives or any materials
which could be used to make explosives. So everyone
in Liberty City is joking. Everyone in Livery
City was joking that the guys were going to kick
down the FBI building with their new boots. Ay,
ay, ay. Fuck. It's pretty sad. Yeah. It is pretty
sad. I can't believe I have to piss again. Oh,
yeah. I'm still going strong. Let's get that
piss, then we'll wrap it up. I haven't pissed
yet. We should just wrap it up now. It's 6 o
'clock. You sure? Plugs? Plugs? Get something
to eat. Yeah. Plugs? Plugs. I haven't pissed.
That's pretty good. Mark Mann, congratulations.
I got the Beacon Theater March 24th. Hell yeah.
Followed by an entire European tour at the end
of April. Glasgow, London, Manchester, then all
through fucking Romania. rschaffer .com rschaffer
.com for all those tickets. You got that right.
Mark Norman, where you at? Hey, I'm all over
the road. I don't know when this comes out. Especially
because Dan Soder. Theater tour announcing this
summer. Going to Australia, UK. I'm coming to
your town. We're all over the place. MarkNorwinComedy
.com, We Might Be Drunk, Get Bodega Cat, Tuesdays
with Stories. Damn, you've got a good website.
That's a good website. Oh, you like that? All
right. Solid. Dinks. Solid. All right. Fire his
guy. I'm in Jersey soon. I'm really running through
the mud. Look at these rooms. I'm really kicking
my own ass here. Look at you. You're going to
the fucking cold places in the winter. Exactly.
She's getting hard reps for her special. Bad
reps. Bad people dead inside. Come on out. Say
hello. Queef it up. Praise Allah. Shane Gilles.
Gillian Keeves is on Amazon. We just got that
up. That's pretty neat. That's fun. We're going
to add some shows to this. Your fucking website
sucks, dude. My website does suck. Comparison
to Normans. Queen Elizabeth is great. That's
a good theater. I don't know any of this. Minneapolis.
Yeah, check them out. Toronto, go out to Canada.
Oh, but me, Big J, Nick Mullen, and Tim Dillon
are doing two shows. We're doing one in the Giant
Center in Hershey, PA, and one of them is in
South Carolina. I forget where it is. Greenville.
Greenville, maybe. South Carolina. Is it on your
website? No. No. But it's coming. Okay, when
are you going to announce that? I don't know.
Instagram? Yeah, we've got to come up with a
dumb name for it. The four bottoms. My name in
my current tour is the many people believe that
Tony Hinchcliffe is gay tour. Ah, now we're talking.
How many? What's the number? Many people believe?
It's just percentage. 78. That's it. Goodbye,
everybody. I don't think we need to do any editing
on this one. This episode is brought to you by
Igloo Coolers. Guys, if you've got to throw up
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won't serve you. He's just like, no, we're not
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You guys rule. Bye, everybody. Bye.