"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #2169. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Improvisation Dynamics, Contemporary Satire, and Independent Media Evolution." Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by
night, all day. Hey! What the hell was that?
Boys, we're up. We're up and rolling. Hey, welcome
to morning radio. Norman's over there stoking
it up. Let's go. There's a terror alert. What
do you mean, really? Yeah. Yeah. Did I send it
to you, Jamie? I didn't, right? Where? Gaza?
Well, the subs are outside of Miami. That's real.
But then there's another thing. Cuban subs? Russian
subs? Is that what that is? Yes. Yeah, there's
a Russian nuclear sub outside of Miami. What's
troubling? Yeah, like outside of Cuba. So it's
like 25 miles from Miami. There's a Russian sub.
Aye, aye, aye. Yeah. CIA chief warns of possible
terror attack. They brought the draft back, you
heard. I'm going to send this to you, Jamie.
What? Yeah. The fuck did I miss this? They brought
the draft back. Draft's back, baby. Well, I think.
Draft kings. Expansion draft? I think you always
had to register for the draft. Backdraft? I think
it was a thing. Just in case? Just selective
service. Yeah, selective service. I don't really
think much has changed. Has it? Backdraft? U
.S. faces serious threat of terror attack. Fun.
Great. Guys, just in time for the election. This
season is the best. This season has me riveted.
I don't understand. Who's writing this? How are
they killing off good guys? Like, what is going
on? This season of the world is amazing. The
world. There's so many. So many. made up things
clearly right now the holocaust the holocaust
yeah i'm just hearing about that covid flat earth
well there's ukraine there's gaza space apparently
congo something's happening what's going on the
congo oh the uyghurs no that's china oh shit
yeah there's some there's some drawing i'm keeping
a tally last i was so rough with the puking I'm
keeping an eye on my drinks. That's smart. He's
got a fucking ledger. He's got a ledger. So he
can't be talked into more. Norman went up first
at the mothership that night, and he was obliterated.
You repeated jokes like three or four times,
but the audience knew. The audience knew what
was going on. They caught on. I was so happy
that I was like five people after you, so I got
to sober up. Oh, yeah. And even then, I was like,
Jesus Christ, I am way too drunk to be on stage.
I thought I was killing, but they were laughing.
At me. You were doing good. No, no, no. You were
doing great. You were doing good. No, no, no.
But when you started set up, they were like,
wait, is this another joke? We just heard you
say this. But you delivered it great. You had
a great set. It was funny. We were watching and
laughing. We were laughing. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. We were laughing because we knew
how hammered you were, but you were killing.
Yeah, you were still hammered. It was not bad.
It was a great show. We were hammered. We were
obliterated. We were right there with you. We
all drank too much. But what a fun show. What
a fun day. What a fucking fun night. It was Shane
going, I was on after Shane or whatever, and
he goes, I found Mark. And I'm like, where? And
he just goes to a back hallway and clicks a light
on. And it's just, he was in the darkness. Sleeping.
Lying in his own puke. Like Blair Witch where
they turn the corner and he was just there. Bro,
you were just feet away from your puke, sleeping.
Right behind the stage. It was actually pretty
cool. A drunken prank. They could hear you from
the stage snoring. Oh, no. Shut up. I mean, if
you snored, they could hear you. I heard you
two last night. He laid in it. While I was on
stage. Well, I heard you two fucking mumbling
back there. Yeah. I was like, are you guys hammered?
Oh, you guys were in the back having a conversation
while the show was going on? Yeah, they were
right behind the curtain. Why didn't someone
kick them out? We were riffing on what people
were saying as we were listening. Yeah, we had
to prepare. You guys didn't prepare shit, dude.
I was at that show. We sure didn't. Fake professionals.
It was crazy. That was the worst with the store,
with the hallway in the original room. the worst
you would be out there and you'd be having fun
conversation you wouldn't even realize you're
a part of it yeah you're you're too loud and
then you're a comic and all the comics are too
loud and when you're on stage like you fucking
guys are so loud right like you're doing it too
everyone's doing it you know it's bad when the
guy on stage like guys shut up yeah it happens
all the time too yeah it's that transition between
that festive back corridor Parking lot area.
It's a hangout area. The parking lot is always
where everybody gets out of their car. What's
up? I was just in Cleveland talking shit, having
fun. And then you go right into the hallway and
you forget. I feel so bad for the door guys because
they're like, hey, you've cleared this. And he's
like, these are all guys I look up to. You have
to tell them to go outside. Nobody listens. Nobody
listens to the door guys. It takes a manager
to go over. I know. They'll say, you guys got
to leave, and all the regulars will go, I know,
right? They do. Everybody should get the fuck
out of here. Does that system work? I feel like
there's a Marc Maron or a Kinison, and they're
like, they were door guys. This is a legitimate
way to get up. But I'm like, I've seen you work
the door for six years now. Oh. Listen, it can
work for some people. It worked for Ari. Me,
Bobby Lee. Oh, really? Yeah, Kinison. Tony Hinchcliffe.
Tony was a door guy. All right, I take it all
back. Run as easy. I mean, the whole thing is
like... Not everybody's going to do it. Everybody
that starts out, essentially, if you're an open
mic -er, you're probably doing comedy a couple
years. How many of those guys from two years
in are still in the business that you started
with? Mostly gone. Mostly gone. So that's going
to be the same thing with Dora. Is it wild when
you see them? It's weird. Like an open mic guy,
I'll go back to Philly and see a guy. I'm like,
holy shit, dude. Yeah, and they're happier. They're
always happier. They're always happier, but you
feel bad for them. No, I meant the guys that
are still doing it. You mean the guys that quit?
The guys that quit are happier? A lot of them
are happy. Really? Well, they're not getting
beat up on stage every night. Yeah, bombing is
hell. Yeah. And some of those guys, they just
bomb forever. So if you look at a guy who's a
door guy, it's a guy who's there in that spot.
You know, you're just a door gal. They don't
call them door gals, do they? They're also door
guys. Whores. That's gross. That's rude. That's
misgendering. Door gal. But they also call them,
when they started doing male waitresses, they
call them male waitresses. That's funny. They
never had them. That's actually funny. That's
funny, but that's okay. You can call me a male
waitress. Male stewardess. That's a stress test,
too, because if you get mad, someone calls you
a male waitress, you're kind of a bitch. Like,
who do you care what they fucking call you? I
would be pissed if somebody called me a fucking
male waitress. You work at the comedy store.
You work at the comedy store. They only had females
for the longest time. And then they were like,
we could have a dude waiter. When did they have
a dude waiter? I don't remember any dude waiters.
They have them now. They do now. Yeah. But Mitzi
was like, Holtzman said that at a funeral once.
He was like, I don't like this. They're supposed
to only be female, and they're supposed to fuck
the up -and -comers. Wow. When you think about
how many comics you started out with that are
actually doing it today, from open mic, I think
I know three. You remember the ones that are
still in more than the ones that quit. What were
they, Burr, Fitzsimmons? I didn't know Burr until
later. Burr started like a year or two after
me. And I knew Fitzsimmons and I started the
same time. We started like a week apart from
each other. Damn. The same club. And he quit.
Nah, he's great. Yeah, Chris McGuire. But he
doesn't really do comedy anymore, although he
was very funny. He just mostly does like TV projects
and shit now. He was involved in that Snoop Dogg,
Martha Stewart show. He wrote jokes for that.
Really? Great joke writer. Chris is a great joke
writer. He's a funny dude. But so he's like me,
Dane. Dane was around back then. And like who
else? How is he at open mics? You know, honestly,
I got to say, I saw Dane when he was past open
mic for the first time. The first time I saw
them, I used to do this. There's a place called
Dick Doherty's Comedy Hut. Dick Doherty was this
legendary biker slash comedian guy. Legendary
Boston guy. Who raves these things? He was a
character. He was a fun guy. But he gave me a
lot of work. I love that guy. Because when I
was just starting out, he would send you out
to the middle of fucking nowhere to some weird
bar gig. But, you know, you made money. And so
I did the comedy hype when Dane was with Al and
the Monkees. Easy. What is that? That was the
show. It was... It's a comedy show? It was...
Yeah. It's called Al and the Monkees? It's like
a band. Bobby Kelly. He was... Bobby Kelly was
with the Monkees? Oh, yeah. Dane Cook and Al
DelBene. It was a sketch group? Yep. They would
do sketches, and then they would each do like
five minutes of comedy. Holy shit. Is that Bobby
on the right? That's Bobby. That's hot Bobby.
Who's on the left? Holy shit. Jesus. Yeah. So
this was, you know, 1990. It says two. Is that
what it says there? That's crazy. 92. So I think
I met him in 90, 91. Oh, my God. That's BCN,
WBCN Comedy Riot winners. I mean, the Comedy
Riot was the big thing back in the day. The BCN
Comedy Riot. Like, if you won the Comedy Riot,
you were the fucking man. They thought that was
their future. They took a picture for this. Oh,
yeah. Who was Al? Al's, I don't even know what
Al's doing these days. I think he lives in Australia.
He was a stand -up. Does he? Maybe, I think,
maybe. Al Qaeda. Al Delbeny? Yeah, he lives in
Australia? I think he married an Australian lady
and I think they moved. He was doing stand -up
there. So when I met them, that's what they were
doing. They weren't doing stand -up separately
yet. And then they sort of gave up on that and
started doing stand -up separately. Damn. You
had to make it work back then. But that was a
couple, yeah, now living in Sydney, Australia.
Boom! The fact's not wrong. You nailed it. You
were just there. So I guess he's still out there
working. But, so I know those guys. But that's
a couple years after Open Mic for me. It was
like, you know, 90. I started in 88. So there
was like, only like four or five guys left. Who
do you guys still have around from Open Mic?
Oh, yeah, thanks. Most of my friends. Sean Patton.
But doesn't it feel like those gigs you had to
go out and do some weird, you know, Knights of
Columbus bullshit? Yeah, those were like the
best. Those were the best. But people aren't
doing those anymore. And then they just put a
clip on TikTok. So I don't feel like they're
learning that muscle of like, I got to win these
mooks over. I think some people are still doing
it. And also, is that a good muscle to have?
I think so. To do a VFW? Yeah. Just to get them.
To learn how to get a crowd that's not there
for you. It's just good to know what that is.
Yes. You know, like, it's not, this magic doesn't
work. work in every setting. You need certain
settings. You need a microphone. You can't have
no microphone. You need a compliant audience.
If you have to do a corporate gig and people
are in the middle of talking and they go, and
now here's a comedian. And you go on stage, you're
going to eat dick. I just did that. Did I tell
you that? Oh, that Texas thing. Bad? It was as
bad. It was the worst. If you were there, I would
have fucking. I was going to go. Rogan texted.
I was sitting at my house and I got a text. Rogan
was like, I'm going to that. I was like, fuck.
Just to watch? You can't fucking go to this.
Just to be fun. It was for Texas's. It was like
fundraising for football. And they asked me to
do it. I said no. Then they finally, they got
me. They got me. I was like, fine, I'll do it.
And the money's great. Free. Oh. It's not great
at all. I did it for field passes. All right,
all right. That's something. And also, I'm friends
with those people. It was fine. But thankfully,
Tony came. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I'm bringing
Tony on stage because I'm going to die. Dude,
I went first. It was on the field. It was in
a concert stage because Brooks and Dunn was the
concert after. How many people were there? I
had to go first. 500? 600? But it was like a
wedding. They were on the field. That's the worst.
And it was just round tables. Oh, no. Dude, I
went on. It was sunny out. Oh, no. It was in
the football stadium. No, no, no, no, no. I was
on the 50 -yard line. 600 people at a football
stadium. Now I wish I got there. It was like
a wedding. I got on stage. Everyone was standing.
Oh, my God. I bailed. I tried to do a trumpet.
I was like, this isn't working. You guys want
to hear a drum impression? Did that work? I did,
like, one word, and I was like, what the fuck
am I doing? I'm sorry. They shouldn't have comedy.
It's so bad. It's just the music and those things.
In the beginning, there's a comedy. I think those
gigs, they test you. Well, you don't know about
check drums. How much do you really want to do
this? A football field. You got Hamlin. He died
out there. He died on the field. It was bad.
That's rough. Those settings are always horrible.
Oh, and then before we go on, I was like, I'm
going to bring Tony on. And then the guy who
was running it freaked out. He was like... Oh
shit, he just saw the roast, so he was like,
this guy can't go up there. Yeah. He's like,
there's kids here. And I was like, there's fucking
kids here? Jesus Christ. Did you see my act?
I'm not a Christian comic. There's literally
kids running around in front of the stage. People
who don't understand comedy think it's like carpentry.
Can you hang this shelf? Come here, tell jokes.
Do a joke about this when you're up there. Do
it 100 degrees in front of the richest people
in Texas. picture everyone just laughing and
having a good time but no you gotta listen to
me do a bit about fingering yeah literally the
fucking laughter gets sucked up by the grass
no one left Of course. It's outside. I mean,
I think I saw people laughing. I wish I was there.
I saw some people laughing. I would have been
howling. You would have been howling. Yeah. You
would have. Just the comedian section in the
way, way top in a box seat. Yeah. I would have
been on the floor. That is a beautiful moment,
watching a friend bomb hard. Only a friend that
you know is funny. Yeah. If someone bombs and
they bomb all the time, it's pathetic. There's
a specific laugh where it goes, set up. punchline,
then a pause, quick pause, the audience should
laugh, then a half second after when they don't,
it's the two comics in the background. Going,
ooh. It's a trickle of sweat on the forehead.
And I'm like, look, dude, I know I'm bombing,
dude, shut the fuck up. Get out of here. Oh,
he's got the dry mouth. Isn't it funny how sometimes
you go on stage and it's almost like you enter
into a wrong cadence, or a wrong, just a wrong
thought process, a wrong rhythm, and then like,
You're like, I got to get out of this. How do
I get out of this and get normal? I don't talk
like this. How did I get stuck saying things
in this order? Actually, that show, I just watched
season one of Eastbound Down Again, and I was
literally just talking like Kenny Powers. Oh,
yeah. It was like, good to see you motherfuckers
made it out tonight. I was just like, this is
how I talk. Oh, my God. There were kids out there?
There were kids, and then I brought Tony on stage,
and we did, like, tame. roast jokes like Vince
Young was there. I was like, Vince Young, I heard
it's your birthday today. You're 41, more like
Vince Old. Hey, that's not bad. Can I use that?
Oh my God. All right. Don't bark, man. The rhythm
thing. But you know what else is weird? You make
some weird choice out of the gate. You're like,
I'm going to fuck with this guy. Right. First,
and it just derails your whole set. Yeah. Like,
why didn't I just do my act? Why did I bring
him up? It's choices. Like, sometimes they go
sideways, and sometimes they don't. But if you
don't follow them, you'll never get those tags.
You never get that, like. that new branch that
comes off a bit. Follow the field. It's just
sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes you get
a warning. The MC's on. I got off. You're about
to go. I'm like, oh, there's a lady on the side.
She wants it to be all about her. Like, don't.
And then you walk for a second and you ask her,
like, what's your problem? Like, fuck! And then
she's like, I unleashed her. I got the warning.
They get you. They're always going to get you.
Just waiting to be called on. God, there's so
many needy people out there. They don't just
want to see a show. They want to be needy. I've
met dudes. I've met needy dudes that want to
talk to you while you're on stage. It's like,
God, why are you doing that? Yeah, I did a show.
It was like a hockey arena show. And this drunk
guy, did I tell this last time? Possibly. I was
blacked out. This guy snuck behind the screen.
So he was just sitting by himself up in a balcony.
No one was allowed to sit there. He just was
sitting by himself, and I heard him the entire
show. But he would only talk when I was talking.
Oh, that's the worst. I would start talking,
and he'd be like, Shane. Oh, no. Shane. And I
was on stage like, what is that? It was like
trying to find a fucking cricket in your house.
Right. The second you stop, it stops, and you're
like. And then finally he was like, yay. I saw
him. I looked up and I was like, oh, he's up
there. And he was like, hey, I love you. He's
doing that. I was like, oh, there he is. Fucking
kick him out. We used to get hecklers at the
Vulcan that would lean over the balcony and you
couldn't even see him. There's spotlights in
your face. Who's up there? What are you talking?
Like people above you yelling things down at
you. Fuck yeah. When it's while you're talking.
Yes. And you're like, I swear to God I hear something.
And it's a fucking arena and no one else hears
it. That's brutal. So I'm just on stage like
in between jokes looking around. They're like,
God damn this guy. Some people, they shouldn't
go to a comedy show. No. They're just like. This
should be a test. They took that guy and put
him straight in a cop car. He drove by himself.
They were like, all right. You can't drive. The
security guard grabbed him. His shoes fell off.
Oh, my God. He was like, ah. I was like, all
right. It is cool, though. I did say it. I was
like, this guy does actually rule. His shoes
fell off. His shoes fell off right away. He wasn't
saying anything bad. He just snuck behind the
stage and was going, I love you. What a nut,
dude. He was having fun. It's so hard to explain
to a positive person that they're ruining everything.
Yes. Right, especially one with a 70 IQ. I did
Philly last week, and I had the lady who had
the crazy laugh. So she's nice. She's loving
the show. She's like, ah, ah, ah. And you're
like, you got to go. You're ruining everything.
She's like, I'm laughing. Oh, you kicked her
out? I had to. It was too much. She ruined the
opener's whole set. Yeah. So then when I went
on, she's laughing in the middle of setups where
you need like a pause. And we had to get her
out of there. It was too much. Was she a crazy
person? Yeah, she was making it about her. She
knew what she was doing. She was doing it on
purpose? I think so. It was way over the top.
It was like the Joker. Like almost like a prank?
Kind of, yeah. Or she just wanted you to know
she was laughing. Yeah. So she went harder. It
was like fake orgasm chick where you're like,
hey, this is not real. Yeah, right. I have six
inches of thin steel here. Come on. Six inches?
Five and a half. All right. I'm all veins. He's
measuring from the knee. It's all veins. A lot
of vein. Did a corporate gig in Toronto. It was
the best setup ever. Did I tell this? No, but
I know this. All right. Restaurant? Remember
I told you this Super Bowl thing? Yeah. It's
the same guy. No way. Yeah. All right. Sorry.
Well, it was just a hell gig of all hell gigs.
It was all these rich millionaire guys, and the
guy goes, I'm a huge fan. You got to do this
bit. Do that bit. I'm like, this is a lock. He's
telling me what bits to do. I'm in. So I open
up with all the bits, and they're all bombing.
It's corporate. Had the Fisher -Price mic. You
know, that whole thing. And then I'm bombing,
and the guy's sitting in the front row going,
what are you doing? What are you doing? This
isn't like your special I saw. I'm doing the
bits. They're not laughing. I don't know what
else to do. So I bomb for a full hour. What are
you doing? That's not helping. What are you doing?
Same show. He's trying to encourage your coach.
Oh, wow. That's a rough show. He brought me into
a dinner, and it was in front of just NFL Hall
of Famers. At a steak dinner table. Yes. Just
at dinner. Yes. And he was like, all right, stand
up. That was it. And the first time he did it,
I was like, I'm not doing it. Yeah. And he was
cool about it. He was like, okay. He was nice.
And then I realized he really wanted me to do
stand -up, so I was like, all right. Just come
to a show later. I'll talk about Down syndrome
in front of fucking Jerry Rice. Come to a show.
Yeah, come to a show. Fuck this. This is nonsense.
I had one good corporate. It was for the Border
Patrol. Oh, really? And they saw me in La Jolla
in San Diego at a club, and he's like, yeah,
do that stuff. I'm like, okay, but corporates
are, he goes, they're pieces of shit. Do whatever
you want. And I was like, okay, great. And they
really were. Cops are great crowds. Yeah. Well,
we did that show last year. It was awesome. Yeah.
Two shows. Yeah, it's like, comedy should be
in a fucking comedy club. Of course. And it probably
should be more than five minutes, too. I never
did one of those late night shows. It was like,
that just doesn't seem like. I just can't get
cooking in five minutes. I need some time. And
I also don't want to water anything down. I don't
want to do it. It goes with the style. There's
a specific style for it. Yeah. If you're a set
-up punch joke writer guy, it's great. But I
wonder today if it's even worth doing. It was
certainly worth doing when you guys were doing
it. Not at all. But today it seems like to develop
a solid five minutes and do it on one of those
shows. No one's going to see it. I got Sam. We
were all hanging out. Me, him, and Sam were hanging
out in the cellar. And he said he got an offer
for a cordon or something like that. And he was
like, they're not paying. And then I got to fly
myself there. Also, you're doing stand -up on
a non -stand -up show? Yeah, he goes, I can just
get this views on my own. Like tonight, right
now. One TikTok. Yeah, it's a weird situation
now where that thing has just evaporated in front
of our face. Yeah, and then they... I'm doing
the Tonight Show soon. But the guy's like, hey,
we'd love to have you. And I'm like, all right,
great. Here's the set. And he's like, ooh, can
you change this and that? I'm like, well, why
would I do it now? You guys got to, like, change
with the times. You got to bend a little. I had
to fight for Boner. I got Boner on. Oh, gosh.
But that was a fight. Nice. Boner fight. What's
funny because before the internet, Boner was
a no -go. Great video game. Boner was never happening
before the internet. Boner. It's a funny word,
though. Yeah. It's funnier than erection. He's
a character on Growing Pains. Yeah, Boner. It's
a bone. Oh, interesting. I don't think they meant
that thing. Same thing, though. Washed up dead.
When did Boner become a hard -on? Washed up dead
in the shores of Vancouver. Really? Boner. Pull
it up. What do you mean? What are you saying?
He washed up. The actor who played Boner's the
bone. Oh, really? Washed up dead on a fucking
beach in Vancouver. Oh, did he drown? Yeah, I
don't know. A lot of sitcom guys get fucked.
You're lucky you got out easy. Well, you know
what it is? They start really young. No, it's
they start really young. Ouch. They start young.
That's what it is. They start, they become kids
and they become famous when they're kids, which
you just can't do. That works out a lot. Having
a child be an actor. Yeah. Smart move. It is
the worst thing you can do to a kid other than
like awful things. Kevin Spacey. Yeah. Wait a
minute. Boner found dead in Canada. Whoa. I got
two facts. All right. Body was discovered in
a heavily wooded area about 100 feet from a footpath
to the huge park. Damn. How did he die? Boner
in a wooded. Hard. Foul play was not suspected.
I don't know about that. What does that mean?
Wooded area is never good. How did he die then?
Doesn't say. I don't know. I'll look. It's okay.
His name was Dick. I've met a bunch. His name
was Dick and his nickname was Boner. Perfect.
That sucks. Boner used to be just a mess up,
right? A boner? Yeah. I pulled a boner. It used
to be that. What? Yeah. When did boner become
something that people used to describe their
dick? You know, maybe it's like one of those
things like gay. Like, Flintstones had a gay
old time, remember? Yeah. Gay used to be fun.
We'll have a gay time. Right. And then all of
a sudden, they took it just like they took the
rainbow. Right. They took it from us. They stole
it. They stole it. Yeah. We're taking it back.
And now they own it. We're taking it back. Gay
old time. That's why when people get mad if you
call something gay, like, it used to be fun.
Blunder. Yeah. It was Blunder. 1912 baseball
slang. What? Probably from Bonehead. Bonehead
move. The meaning erect penis is from the 1950s.
Okay, so the 1950s. Boner became a dick. I mean,
it's right there. Your dick's a bone, boner,
it's right there. Sorry, didn't mean to get hard
at the funeral. Oh, from the earlier, it used
to be a bone -on in the 1940s. Follow the trends
of boner, that's what I do during sex. Oh, we
got something, no we don't. Yes. Boner trends,
as soon as the fucking Viagra was invented. It's
not a good word in the bedroom, though. You know,
if you're like, I'm so hard, you can't be like,
oh, you like that boner? Yeah, it's not. I got
a fucking boner. That's a drunk. The guy using
that word is drunk. Nice boobs, I got a boner.
He's beer drunk. Really, all you can use is dick
and cock. I don't want to say it. I've definitely
hit a boner in there. Yeah, you're drinking that
Bud Light, you get a boner. But if you're drinking
like... 25 -year -old Scotch, you have an erection.
There you go. You have a hard cock. You have
an erection like a man. Ice moving around your
glass. I've got an erection. Yeah, I can't take
myself seriously. I can't. You should be like,
I have a hard cock, right? It's gross, dude.
My wife likes the insults, and I feel bad. You
said this last time. Oh, shit. No, no, no. You
told me this before. I'm sorry. But, you know,
she's like, say shit. Say mean shit. But I'm
a guy, so I'm like, oh, you retard. Yeah. You
know, that's not hot. You don't pay your share
of the rent. You can't. That's funny that she
likes that. Loves it. So weird. She's a wacky
lady. But probably real nice outside of that.
Very nice. That's where she gets it out. Bizarre.
She could maybe go to the gym. Yeah, it'd be
nice. Take a fucking yoga class. Get in there.
You have to be in fucking hand -to -hand combat
while you're fucking. You know? It's weird. Remember
those self -defense classes? I felt like every
lady took one of those in the 80s, and that kind
of went away. All they taught you was to knee
a guy in the balls. That was it. I went to one
once. I went to one to watch to see what they
teached. It was all nonsense. The only thing
that they... In the back, taking notes. Yeah,
no, it was when I was teaching. I was like 21
at the time. I wanted to see it because it was
at Boston University, I think, which is where
I was teaching Taekwondo. And when I was there,
they had, like, a big blue suit. The guy would
wear, like, a big blue suit. And he would, like,
come at these ladies. Like the training German
shepherds? And they would yell, like, stop. And
then they would, like, drop and kick them in
the balls. That was, like, one of the moves.
And then, like, grab them with your keys. There
was moves where you, like, take your keys, you
put them through your fingers like brass knuckles.
Back then, people had a house key, fucking mailbox
key. You had a bunch of keys. You could put them
in there and punch people in the face. But I
was like, you know, there's no substitute for
actually learning how to fight. This is not going
to work. None of it will work. None of it will
work. They just got to get out of that alley.
I had explained to this girl. She was like 100
pounds with tiny hands. I'm like, you should
never try to hit a guy. Never try. You should
learn how to not get hit and how to move, but
you're not going to hurt someone. You're too
small. This is nothing you can do about it. That's
a wake -up call. Because they get in this head
that they're going to be karate experts and they're
going to be beating up people. And I'm like,
you don't have enough mass. Like, you have to
have a certain amount of mass to be able to generate
force to hurt someone. Leah Thomas is pretty
beefy. Think of trying to be like the type of
guy who hits his wife and then you go try to
hit her and she can bob and weave. Well, that
would suck. Jiu -jitsu is the best sport for
women. The best martial art to learn for women.
Because you can be very small, but still with
leverage and using the right technique, you can
choke a guy unconscious. I've seen it happen.
Yeah, I've been choked. My friend Felicia, she
weighs like 135 pounds. She's a black belt under
John Jock Machado. And there was this guy who's
like a porn star. He used to have a TV show on
Showtime. And he was going to have this thing
where he tried jujitsu with a girl. And she fucking
strangled him like three or four times in a row.
And I don't know if they ever even put it on
TV. Because I think it was so embarrassing. Because
you have this 135 -pound chick who's just manhandling
this dude and taking his life over and over again
and letting him go. Felicia, she's the shit.
Some girl that's bodybuilder women, I watch a
documentary, who get paid on the side. Sure,
it was a documentary. Paid on the side. They
get paid on the side while bodybuilding to wrestle
dudes and throw them around, and guys love it.
Top dollar. What's the real job? Is it really
bodybuilding or is it wrestling dudes? It seems
like you're bullshitting. You're saying you're
doing it on the side and that's where you make
all your money. Bodybuilding is the ad you put
out. How much money do the women bodybuilders
make compared to women who are willing to wrestle
crazy old rich dudes? I bet there's a lot of
money in old rich dudes that want to be humiliated.
Who the fuck are these people? Where are they?
Who? Like, what are these guys doing? Oh, they're
out there, man. I don't think I will. A lot of
them are like CEOs. These guys that you tell
you jokes in front of at these corporate events.
Those guys are getting like tied down. Oh, yeah.
Pussy and asshole stuffed in their face. Oh,
yeah. They get their balls kicked. That's the
new thing because porn has become so specific.
Because like everything's just uploaded for free
so then it becomes like well I want to hire these
porn stars to do this exact scene and a lot of
it is like burn all my stamps I collected for
40 years Like with these old rich guys like some
of them they make this deal with what they call
a humiliatrix I had one of them on my show really
Yeah, and she will like get a video of them sucking
a cock She'll make him suck a cock on video and
then send it to her and then And she will tell
him she's blackmailing him. But it's all under
safe conditions. And she will get him and he
will send her $10 ,000. And she still holds on
to the tape. Whoa. They have deals. Terrifying.
She steals a certain amount of money from him.
She can steal a certain amount of money from
him. And she humiliates him. There's a thing
that these rich, really powerful guys that head
these giant corporations, some of them, that's
how they get their rocks off. They get their
rocks off by being humiliated. humiliated but
so they hire a professional and the professional
gets dirt on them humiliate makes them do embarrassing
things that's a great gig for a lady yeah financial
domination oh karen used to do this it's a sexual
fetish lifestyle activity it was so funny yeah
she would get a text this guy was like hey what
are you up to and she was like you suck send
me some money And she's like, look, I got 20
bucks. What? Yeah, it's before OnlyFans. She
does it to me for free. It's a lifestyle activity
which a submissive is required to give gifts
or money to a dominant. Yeah, some dudes out
there just like to be dominated. Play Pig. Play
Pig. Cash Piggy. Whoa. Fin Sub. Human ATM. Money
Slave. Human ATM. Whoa. Pay Pig's the worst,
though. Cash Piggy's not bad, though. Cash Piggy.
Cash Piggy's nice. Cash Piggy's hot. I'll be
a little Cash Piggy, baby. It sounds like what
Jackie Gleason used to call his hoes. I could
maybe get behind the domination, but as soon
as they're like, now suck some guy's dick, I'm
like, hey, lady, I'm not playing this game anymore.
I think some of these guys want dirt on them.
You know, I think they're all involved in fucking
corporate shenanigans, and they're probably all
criminals. Like, who knows? I don't. Yeah, I
just can't. They, like, get their nuts kicked.
I can't. Damn. Some dudes, like, get shit on.
How do you find out? I don't get it. Is there
an unlock moment where you're like, oh, shit,
that's what I meant? Like an accidental knee
punch, you know? Like, sorry, like, actually,
fuck. I bet a lot of it has come out of the internet.
I bet a lot of it is coming out of guys watching
videos and it's like, that's what I want. That's
what I'm into. You start jacking off to it and
next thing you know, they're hiring somebody.
I don't like any pain. It's bothering me. How
do you find the lady? How do you find the lady
that's going to do a good job? I feel like a
lady. I feel like any lady. She finds you. She
finds you. True. Like a fucking shaman. True.
Yeah, they find you in the forest. I dated a
switch once. A hookah? What? Sub and dominant.
Trans? And so it'd be like, you choke her in
bed. She'd be like, cool. And then we were at
a bar. She's like, chokes me. How does that feel?
And I was like, you can't do anything to me.
This is so stupid. Sounds like you dated a fucking
retarded psycho. She was like, like that? I'm
like, it's fine. I can stop you at any point.
This is dumb. Yeah. Well, some people just like
playing games. That would bother. I wanted you
to go, oh, my God, don't hurt me. What are you
guys doing? I'm like, stop. If you guys are at
the bar and a lady grabbed my neck, I'd be like,
what the fuck are you doing? Of course. Get the
fuck out of here. We're already fucking. Was
she hammered, too? No, we just started drinking.
She was trying to show me her side of it, and
I was like, this isn't my thing. It's like eating
ass. Like, I'll eat an ass, but if some chick
tries to eat my ass, I'm like, you shouldn't
be doing that. No, I couldn't agree more. Completely
agree. That's wrong for you. This is bad. When
they put your legs up like a toddler. No, thank
you. Norman, tell us more. Tell us more. The
old diaper change. It's not pretty. I couldn't,
yeah. If a lady pulled my legs up, I'd be like.
Spaz yeah, and you got those big white cheeks
with that red hole You're the one who got your
fucking little gay ass eating I was like I jogged
today. This is bad. Also. I want to be like hey
just Google Ari Shafir's ass Part of this There's
no need for these activities. No no you can't
they go too far like these humiliatrix people
Getting shit on. Yeah, regular sex is pretty
good, and then you come and you go, all right,
I'm good. You went too far. Well, you got to
keep upping it, you know? It's like drugs. Yeah,
you got to keep going further and further. Yeah.
Cut off my arm. I don't know. I don't know what
he does. Who are these people? Who are these
people? Have you ever met anybody that's into
this? Oh, yeah, you know them. Every once in
a while you meet a guy who likes getting pegged.
Yes. That's a tough one. I can name a few, but
I won't. Fitzsimmons and I were on a road trip
early. I thought you were going to say Fitzsimmons.
No, no, no. We were on a road trip early in our
career, back when we would do road trips to do
open mics. So we were headed to Rhode Island
to do an open mic with this dude who didn't make
it. One of the guys, one of the lost soldiers
of the open mic days. He was telling us about
how his wife. shoves a 10 -inch dildo in his
ass. Yo! And how much he likes it. 10 -inch!
How much he likes it. You've never had a vibrator
in your ass? And everyone, it's like... 10 -inch.
Ah, DeRosa. Start with the pinky. I just remember
us all being like, what did you just share? Yeah.
Ten inch. Do we need that? Can we go five? Why
ten? Five's great. You're right. You might have
been exaggerating. But he was opening up the
door to this conversation. Like, we're all going
to go, yeah. Cool, man. No, thank you. I like
a hard thing in my body that doesn't belong there.
I just don't want things behind me. I don't like
that idea. You don't want to love it either.
You don't want to be your greatest orgasm ever.
True. With like a fucking vibrating. Might be
though. Probably. It probably is. That's what
everybody says. It's probably like a guttural
fucking. That's what they all say. Benchy, just
a whale. Hit a certain fucking level of harmonic
frequency that's not possible without something
in your ass. What have I done? And you just bust.
Yeah. It's like heroin. You're addicted immediately.
That's the problem. If you could find out a spot
in there that you could hit with a vibrator and
you'd come that hard, you'd be like, well, let
me try it once. If it was under your arm, we'd
all try it. It's just hidden in the last place
you'd look. The most shameful part of your body.
Bring it on. Yeah, the old butthole. No, thank
you. So shameful. The finger is the gateway,
so you've got to watch out with the finger. They
start you. They start you with the finger. Jamie,
pull up. That guy's getting fucked in the ass,
please. The old magic thumb. When I was like
21 years old, I did a road gig, and I met this
lady, and we went back to her place, and she
told me, she goes, some gay guys used to live
here before I did. I said, how do you know? She
goes, because they left gay porn. I was like,
what? So this is the first time I'd ever seen.
I knew that people were gay. I knew they were
gay, but I had no proof. I had no proof of this
activity. And so she puts it on. First of all,
I left her apartment immediately. You bought
the house. I didn't even hang out with her. I'm
like, I got to go. This is fucking creepy. You
went through kicks? It was like I was watching
someone get shot. That guy can't take that back.
That dick is in his mouth. It's so intense. For
the end of time. Well, that lemon party shot.
You've got to pull that one out. Oh, lemon party.
Yeah. How many times has that been sent? Oh.
Someone goes, oh, my God, can you believe what
Trump did? You're like, what? Oh, yeah. You've
got to look. The one's the black dude's the San
Francisco. San Francisco Chronicle. Yes. Has
not had a real article ever in San Francisco
Chronicle. Oh, you're right. Stop, Rose. Stop.
What's going on there? What is that? What did
you do? That was DeVito, I think. What is that,
Jamie? Go back to it again? Yes! That's 11 party.
It's such a knocky title. computer might be in
trouble now. Oh, is your computer tainted? You
got a virus, you son of a bitch. You got a gay
virus. All your searches is going home. They
got AIDS. You got the Stavros virus. Well, the
fat black guy with the huge dick, he took over
the lemon party. That was like the new generation.
Yeah, that was it. Anytime there was a crazy
news story. The flatback dick, you can send that
to your mom. The lemon party's over the line.
Wait a minute. Over the line. You can send that
giant guy's dick. Well, your mom was in the Holocaust.
It was just a... She's seen a couple trains.
Rogues have a good bit about Brokeback Mountain
that there should be a warning. Meat spin. Meat
spin's a classic, dude. Which one's that? It's
just a fun one. It's a fun one. You've seen your
friends do this. I don't know meat spin. Oh,
yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Man, I'm in here.
Condom. Safe on that. Good golly. Tub girl. Is
that condom just for show? Sort of like when
people post virtuous things on social media?
That condom doesn't go all the way up. It's just
a ring. That condom's just for show. They're
only doing this for show. Like, I am so safe.
Even though I engage in these risky activities.
You're not filming this. Like butt -fucking in
front of a camera. Yeah, butt -fucking without
a camera is weird. How do you get that dick to
maintain that circle? People do it. And do you
pause and try to go the other way? Yeah, you
gotta pause. Let's work the other muscles. Do
it in Australia. Go the other way automatically.
Swing her back around. Now this, Spotify's okay
with that. With what? The dick swinging? We'll
find out. Alright. I mean, Jamie's good at it.
Nothing's been on the screen yet for anybody
else. Jamie knows how to handle things. Okay,
great. Jamie knows how to handle things. Everybody
that's listening to this knows exactly what me
and Spin and Lemon Party is. Oh, yeah. We're
not shocking anybody. We've got to fool a couple
people to be like, I'll look this up. What do
they mean? Well, there's some Marine watching
like, ah, come on. Well, dude, I remember the
early days of the internet when this stuff was
new, when you would get stuff like this. Attachments.
Well, yeah, but also certain websites. Do you
remember Style Project? No. Style Project was
this wild website that had all the most fucked
up things on the internet. It was our spot we
would all go to. Rotten .com, JustMeat .com.
Do you remember Style Project? I don't remember
that one. Is it still up? Yeah, I became friends
with it. It's just a website. Or it's just a
porn site now. Now it's a porn site? This is
meat and potatoes. Too much pubic hair. Yikes,
quite a push on that. Some guys are into that.
So anyway, it used to be like all the most fucked
up videos and photos on the internet. Anything
fucked up that happened that you could find.
Kurt Cobain's autopsy videos. That was a fun
one. It was a guy and a girl walking. The girl
stops. The guy keeps walking. Adjust. Boom. Yeah.
There's a lot of those. Can you do this when
Neil deGrasse Tyson's on? Be like, oh, let's
pull up those Cosmos and just boom. He'd spin
them. The Samson Chronicle Cosmos. If he wasn't
on camera, he'd probably have a good sense of
humor about it. True that. I was going to try
another older one, but it's got the Texas. Oh,
Texas. What's going on? Texas is fucking us,
dude. No Pornhub. I know. I tried last night.
Yeah, X -Video. Places became famous, and then
they. What's that? Let's go. X -Video. You got
to search. Just get a fucking VPN, man. Get ExpressVPN.
X -Video is good. X -Video works. They all work.
You run into some. There's some rough ones on
there, though. Oh, really? X -Video is a little
more Wild West. I see. How so? Do tell. I don't
know. I feel like, yeah, it kind of feels like
you're on a. rotten .com it feels like it's like
reddit where it's like the best ones will get
shown to you yes yeah the algo knows you yeah
yeah it's like pregnant 80 year old fucks now
we're talking oh yeah right gross that's horrible
you ever get afraid to click on a porn style
because it might change your whole life I won't
touch anime. Like what? Anime porn? You think
that would get you? I don't know. Just in case.
I don't want to risk it. AI porn is going to
get you. You know why? Because AI porn is going
to manufacture the absolute perfect female for
you. AI porn got me, dude. I saw it on Netflix.
Got you? AI. I cracked one to AI porn. I'm back.
Well, it's good. It's so well done. Well, it's
also zero karma porn. You have karma with porn?
Come on. Those days are over. Well, no, they're
doing a new thing where they're making random
high schoolers into a porn to shame them. Send
me the link. Oh, like with AI? Yeah. Public servants,
too. Here's where I don't have karma with porn.
45 -year -old stepmoms that get stuck in dryers
and the stepson fucks them. First of all, it's
ridiculous that she's stuck in the dryer. It
doesn't make any sense. You can get out. Who
gets laundry out that way by sticking your head
in for it? It doesn't make any sense. Like, how
are you? How are you stuck? And then also, once
you get out, you don't stop fucking. You start
sucking dick and you get crazy. Those are fun.
It's a fun time. It's just like when you have
an 18 -year -old girl who's going on an audition,
and she's sitting on a leather couch, and this
guy's talking to her. Those, I'm like, geez.
She swallows hard. I can do this. You've got
to get to the mothership somehow. You hear the
guy talk to the kid. He's such a skis ball. You're
such a good girl. What do you do? With AI, you're
not going to have any of that. With AI, no actual
people. But you will still have people that get
addicted to it. That's where things get weird
because then you don't think of them as people.
You just think, how do I get to the position
where this girl's on the couch? Maybe I need
to start my own thing. Maybe I need to objectify.
you up it fucks it fucks people up unless you
ever meet a hooker guy the guy who gets a lot
of hookers and then they're them around a regular
woman i don't know how to relate to them really
because everyone's for sale in that world so
then they're like stare up like your girlfriend
up and down it's like dude oh wow jesus christ
yeah jesus yikes yeah some people don't know
how to turn it off And those guys also like to
get shit on. Videos. Those are the guys. Nice
to meet you. Will you shit on me? That's a third
date thing. I bet if you're online today on websites,
you could probably find someone to shit on you
pretty easily. 1970 was probably quite a task.
Yeah, you'd get your ass beat. Good point. The
cops are going to whoop your ass for that. Yeah,
probably quite a task before you could find someone
who will safely shit on you. The internet's a
beautiful thing. Put you in a fucking cell next
to Jack Ruby. Well, what's it called? Two Girls,
One Cup? Oh, yeah, I was just gonna bring that
up. Apparently, that wasn't real shit, though.
That was, like, ice cream. They stuffed up that
girl's asshole. Yeah, that's why it looks weird.
That's why it looks weird when it comes out,
but, you know. Still. It's still something. How'd
they get it up there, though? They, like, a fucking,
like, one of those things you use to, like, decorate
a cake. Yeah. Or start a fire. We should try
that. So cold, though. No, you just get some
warm pudding. Work it around your hand for a
little bit. Warm, foamy goodness. Whipped creamy.
It's probably whipped cream. And then she just
dumps out this chocolate whipped cream. And they
start eating it. Anyone else hard? And then they
start throwing up in each other's mouths. Those
were so many. That was like the first reaction
videos. Remember? Two girls, one cup. Two girls,
one cup. That Jewish reporter getting beheaded.
Slowly. And then the horse. Oh, yeah, the Jewish
horse. Oh, the horse. The reporter was from what
year? Go for, like, 2001, too. David. Epstein,
something? Or Einstein? I think his dad invented,
like... It was in one of those, Jesus Christ.
Bro, that one was so crazy. Because the beheading
didn't, it wasn't like you knew in the movies.
It was, you just got through a quarter of my
neck. I'm still screaming. Yeah, they're sawing.
Daniel Pearl. Ah, Pearly baby. What did his dad
do? His dad did something. I saw it in the Adam
Curtis documentary they talked about. Yikes.
Remember the first time you caught a bestiality
video on accident? Oh, I found one when I was
in high school. When I was in high school, one
of our friends had barnyard Betty. Do you remember
Barnyard Betty? Yeah. It was a videotape. It
was so grainy. We had like a copy of a copy of
a copy of a VHS. And one of us had to like guard
the door. So we were downstairs in like the den
where the television was. And one guy had to
stand up and try to watch by the doorway in case
someone came in. So you could stop them from
getting through the door and they could pop the
tape out in time. But it was this lady. She blew
a German Shepherd. Hell yeah. And she let like,
I think she let a donkey fuck her and a couple
other animals. I remember that German shepherd
lady because she had nice tits. Really? Pull
her up. Yeah, his dad. She won a Nobel Prize.
Doggy style. Yeah, she went crazy. After she
sucked a couple of dog dicks. What? Yeah, his
dad won a Nobel Prize. Wow. Yeah, and then that
was when I think a lot of people got freaked
out about terrorism, seeing that. Like, oh, my
God. They will cut your head off on video just
to freak everybody out. It's not just killing
people. It's like a very specific thing they're
doing. Probably a great dog, though. That's the
most chill dog in the world. Just fucking some
hot blonde. We're going back and forth on stories.
We got two combos going that are very different.
I was still on the dog, the German Shepherd.
No, I was on the guy getting his head cut off.
I was like, wow, what cross wires are we on?
It's funny if you change topics on Norman when
he's in mid, like, I got tags, I got tags. Hold
on. Oh, sorry. Boys, if a terrorist attack goes
down, you know you're going to want to be here.
I'm going to your house. Yeah, I'm going to be
in your house. We're not going to let you in,
dude. If I get in before you, I'm not going to
let you in. What? There's so much room and food.
We need to get a ranch. We need to get a ranch
before everything goes sideways. You'll need
me to offer a sacrifice. Like, guys, guys, I
got one for you. Leave us alone. We'll get you
one. You need a ranch with a well and a bunch
of animals. You need a bunch of chickens. You
need food and you need water. Chickens will always
give you food. Chickens are easy. You get one
egg almost every day from a chicken. Hey, that's
pretty good. And if you have a dozen chickens,
you have a dozen eggs a day. Or at least eight.
Protein. At least eight or ten. So then you have,
like, that's food. And then all the other food
you get is a bonus, and you need water. And if
things go sideways, that's real. You got a bunker?
I have plans. I knew it. I knew it. I have some
plans. I got a feeling you're not going to let
me in. I will let you in 100%. You promise? Yeah,
all you guys can come in. Whoa. Everybody can
come in. Nice. I just wonder if you're preparing
too late. Like, if shit goes down tomorrow, it's
too late. Well, yeah, but... But what about those
guys who built those bunkers in the 60s and then
just like, ah, shit. You don't want a bunker.
This is why. Because if it goes that bad, you
don't want to be alive. You don't want to survive
that. If a nuclear war happens, you don't want
to be alive. They thought they'd wait it out
five years. You're going to come out to hell.
You're going to come out to hell, and the people
that are going to be alive are going to be so
dangerous. Yeah, you'll get out there and be
like, hey, guys, I survived. Like, new slaves.
They're going to eat you. They will 100 % eat
you. You ever see The Road? Yes. The bleakest
version of that. Brutal. But everybody knows
that that's probably what would happen, at least
in some parts of the world. That's why it's good
there's a nuclear submarine off the coast of
Miami. There's not just one. There's another
boat, another Soviet boat that's out there, too.
Yeah. Why don't we de -escalate? It'd be nice.
It'd be a real good idea. Did you see Biden signed
some 10 -year deal to keep supporting Ukraine
for the next 10 years? I did see that. What are
we doing? That's so crazy. That's a lot of money.
But it's also, the whole thing is so crazy. All
because his son worked there? Well, there's probably
a lot of factors. That's the thing, right? Yeah.
But that guy's, he's in court now. But there's
a lot of other factors with like all the different.
He'll be all right. I see a pardon coming. Yeah,
I see a pardon coming. But we've got two politician
guys in court. It's a wild time. There's just
so many factors that are dangerous right now.
Like Palestine, Ukraine. There's so many different
places in the world where like things could pop
off and go real bad at any moment. And like there's
a steady clip of people dying. Oh, yeah. Steady
clip of people dying in Ukraine. Steady clip.
And at a certain point in time, if it gets to,
like, how many people has Ukraine lost? Let's
guess. How many soldiers? No one will tell us.
What is the estimate of losses in Ukraine? A
lot of, like, people went back. Athletes and
stuff went back to fight. Really? A lot of them
are dead. A lot of them are dead. Klitschko is
fighting. Klitschko is still alive. Klitschko's
not fighting anymore, but Lomachenko. No, no,
no, I meant in the war. Like, they're still alive.
Is he still in the war still? We would definitely
know if they were dead. Oh, yeah, he's not dead.
And Lomachenko, he went and joined back in the
army. That's pretty sick. Yeah, animals. I mean,
that's literally defending the homeland. How
many people have died in Ukraine right now? The
thing is, like, this keeps escalating, and Russia
keeps losing people. MSNBC will tell you a million
Russians have died and 20 Ukrainians. Tucker
will tell you 10 billion Ukrainians, five Russians.
No one knows. Yeah. Well, be careful. Isn't it
weird how the liberals are in support of this
war? It's all flipped. It's so weird. It's very
strange. But it's a lesson that everybody needs
to know. It's not about left or right. It's all
bullshit. It's about people in control. And people
in control, they use all kinds of different methods
to stay in control. And supporting war is one
of them. Supporting war. They just try to do
it from the left or they try to do it from the
right. But it used to be it was the right wings
that were the warmongers, the left wing guys
were the pussy mongers. Right. Right? That's
what it was. It's like Clinton was a pussy hound,
Bush was a warmonger. And blue collar was left.
Right. And now blue collar's all right. Right.
It's a wacky time. Right. Blue collar meant like
working class, normal Americans. Yeah. The South
was Democrat. Forever. And also, the conservatives
are like, fuck Russia, we gotta fight against,
but then it's like, what's he saying here? Fact
check cannot verify these numbers, and Ukraine
treats the number of military deaths as a state
secret, so the total is not officially known.
Okay, the deaths of nearly 25 Ukrainian soldiers
since the invasion. Oh, this is in November of
2023. This is a while ago. Jesus. 25 ,000 Ukrainian
soldiers since the invasion began by using open
sources and put the total toll at more than 30
,000. You got to get Zelensky on. He's a star
fucker. He would do it. Why would I do that?
He's hanging out with Cate Blanchett. Do you
think I really want to have a guy in the middle
of that? Like, dude, where's the money going?
Is any of it going sideways? Is there any real
accounting? For sure, some is going sideways.
You're dealing with regular people passing it
on. Aren't they using their farmland as loans?
Aren't we just buying all their farm? Is that
what it is? I think so. Jesus Christ. We'll see.
Because they're wheat. Yeah, the bread basket,
baby. You're pretending that we know agriculture.
I don't know anything. They started talking.
I read a headline. Good for you. What do you
mean the farms? Ukraine is the bread basket of
the world. What, like wheat? Yeah, they make
a lot of wheat. We should stop eating that shit
anyway. They had all that farmland, and then
they got starved by the Soviets. Whoa. Take over
Ukraine's agricultural land. Yikes. A new report
exposes the stealth takeover of agricultural
land. This is from February 21, 2023. Me and
the Oakland Institute are on the same page. Wow.
It's always about something else. It's always
about something else. There was that point when
we pulled out of Syria and Trump was doing a
press conference and he goes, like, I don't think
it's supposed to work. He goes, don't worry.
We got the oil. We got the oil. Don't worry about
that. Like, he just said it out loud at a press
conference. I was like, wait, I thought it was
human rights. And it was just like, no. It's
like when your girlfriend's mad at you. It's
always something else. That's War is a Racket.
That's that Smedley Butler book. 1933, this dude
retired. He was in the military his whole life
and wrote this book called War is a Racket. It's
all just about what he thought he was doing and
what it actually wound up being. Ukraine is the
breadbasket of Europe, producing one of the highest
wheat yields in the world, but deep tillage and
poor soil management has left its farmlands a
heavily degraded state. But Monsanto will take
care of that. Because of the poor state of Ukraine's
agricultural land, a shift to regenerative agriculture
has immense carbon sequestration. No, none of
us know what that means. Yeah, sequestering carbon
in the soil means like instead of like sequestering
like horses leaving a lot of shit in the air,
the soil actually retains it and they get like
zero carbon footprint farms and regenerative
agriculture. It's like polyface farms does that.
What was the other one? White Oaks Pastures does
that. There's a few of them. And what they do
is they let... The problem is not farming. The
problem is farming the way we do it, where you
have one giant field of one crop and all these
animals in a pen and all these chickens in a
box. That's not how nature wants you to do it.
Yikes. And if you do it that way, you need a
bunch of chemicals. And that's how we do it.
Is that Black Rock? Black Rock's definitely buying
that land. Oh, really? In Ukraine, I would imagine.
They're buying everything. Good name for crack.
They're just trying to make money. Black rock.
They're trying to make money. True. Any way they
can. They've got a bunch of billionaires invested
in them. And they're like, come on. Let's see
some returns, boys. Let's buy everyone's house.
That's that game. They're playing that game.
They're playing the let's see some returns game.
Yeesh. Yeah. And meanwhile. Two wars. People
are dying. And you're trying to protect parks,
you fucking dumbass. You should protect fucking
Israel. You need to protect Israel. How many
parks do you think we protected with this podcast?
We did the one in Austin. They tried. They fought
back. They saved it. Do you think we had anything
to do with that? No. No. Good point. Yeah, I
think anyone protecting a park would actually
hate the fuck out of us. Probably. If you're
out protecting a park, you're like, that is fucking
racist. I did get some of the other day. They
were like, hey, man, I used to play tenants under
the Williamsburg Bridge all the time. I appreciate
what you tried to do. Whoa. Really? That's cool.
Where'd you kiss him? At a simp convention. I
had him send money. He had me send him money.
Some gay guy kissing under a bridge. Remember
when there was a park here? Who bought it? How
did they sell it? How did they steal the park?
They said they have to change it up instead of
having homeless guys sleep around all day. There
was no homeless guys there. It wasn't there.
Of course, yeah. It's the one park in America
without 40 homeless guys. It was by the river.
It was a different thing. Yeah, and so they're
just fixing it with public funds. And then they'll
sell it off when the public funds run out. Then
they'll build the high -rises of the prisoners.
Parker Brothers. Yeah. So it's just like a slow
theft. Yeah. It was like 3 ,000 trees they cut
down. Oh. Yeah, it's not a little park. It's
massive. It's massive. It was the best place
to record it. Remember that amphitheater you
ever performed in? How is that okay? Who signed
off on that? That thing outside the amphitheater?
Yeah, that's gone now. Is that gone? Yep. Good,
I hated that. I bombed there. Fuck that place.
Good, fuck that. Who signed off on that? De Blasio
and Carlina Rivera. Wow. I feel like you don't
know what the fuck you're talking about. No,
I do. Fuck parks. On this one. You know names
and shit. He knows how to protect the park, I'll
tell you that. I don't know if he does. I just
wore a shirt. That's all I was trying to say.
Protect the parks, man. That's all you need.
You hurt the movement. You did. You're the worst
guy to be the fucking spokesman. I really am.
I know nothing about anything. I just read one
headline. I'm like, no, guys, it's important.
You got to recycle. Well, if it wasn't for Teddy
Roosevelt making national parks, who knows what
they would have done with Yosemite and Yellowstone.
Torn it up for sure. Yeah, they would turn all
those fucking beautiful places into condos. Bass
Pro Shop would go on half -dome. Fucking Chick
-fil -A. Central Park would not exist. Yeah,
it would have been gone a long time. It's amazing
they killed that park, though. It's amazing that
people let them kill your park. They say they
got to redo it in case there's flooding. I think,
didn't they have to redo it? In case there's
flooding? Let's kill 3 ,000 fucking trees. Didn't
they have to kill a black neighborhood to make
a park? We need to protect neighborhoods. Well,
that's not so bad. Why did they do that? No,
this was across the park. Oh, really? Oh, they
did. Yeah, that's right. They took over a whole
neighborhood? I think they had to tear down some
black and immigrant neighborhoods. Oh, they definitely
did that for Dodger Stadium. To make all of Central
Park? Probably the upper half. Wow. I thought
it was already... Actually, probably the lower
half. It was small back then. Oh, it was in Hooverville?
Get rid of those motherfuckers, dude. Get rid
of those motherfuckers. Shantytowns built during
the Great Depression by homelessness. Yeah, just
homeless vets. Wow. Clear them out. So they cleared
those folks out. No, it was before that. Wow.
Whoa, look at that. Central Park is amazing.
Every time I'm in New York and I get a hotel
that overlooks it, I'm like, God damn. I walk
around there. It's incredible. It's all we got
for trees. How sketchy is it, though? No, it's
not. It's not bad. It's all changed. When did
it change? In the 90s or something. When I moved
to New York, I was worried about it. And Neil
Brennan was like, I don't know if they have bars
on my windows. He goes, bro, look at the stats.
You're talking about an old New York. But I'm
talking about now with the immigrant crisis.
Are they in Central Park? I feel like you don't
see it. I feel like you don't see it in New York,
the immigrant thing. Oh, they're out there. I
know that live there. Tell me that you see a
big difference. They're usually dressed like
fucking Elmo. Like Elmo? No, that's true. What
do you mean, Elmo? They're in fucking Times Square
dressed like a fucking Sesame character. Oh,
trying to make money. Every now and then you
catch that helmet coming off and you're like,
hey, that's fucking Carlos. Holy shit. I saw
a picture at Disneyland where someone caught
Minnie Mouse taking a cigarette break and it's
this Mexican dude with a mustache. Oh, boy. Oh,
boy. Kids are screaming. He's got a mustache.
He's fucking taking a cigarette break. The kid's
like, what the fuck? Minnie's a dude. That's
a good way to cross the border. Nobody's going
to stop Pokemon. They're like, no! Pikachu. A
lot of them are Uber Eats drivers. That's like
a big one. That's a big one. You can be an Uber
Eats driver and you don't have to have any kind
of license? No, nothing. You drive a Vespa on
a fucking sidewalk, an electric one that's silent.
That's right. They sneak up on you when you're
driving a bike and you're like, I think I'm all
clear, and then they're just on you. I thought
of a video for the group, dude. You guys are
going to like it. Yeah, it's wild out there.
Those poor guys, though, those poor Mexican guys
are on a bike in the winter. Oh, yeah. And everybody's
at home, you know, in the snowstorm. Anytime
it rains, they're like, Mexicans, come bring
me my food. I don't want to go out in this. I
don't want to go two doors down. Bring me that
chicken parm. Well, for them, it's either that
or be under the grip of the cartel. Hey, what
about that president, the lady? Yeah, crazy.
What? 20 people or 20 people died to get to her?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I only read half
an article. 37 people were assassinated during
the general elections all throughout Mexico.
See, we're not so bad. Yeah, so it's all sorts
of different roles. City councilor, mayor, this,
that. So during the elections, 37 people got
assassinated. Assassinated. Wow. Not like suicides.
Shot. Our president just died naturally. Biden's
on the way out. In office. He'll kick it. He's
running again. When's the last time you had a
president die in office? Not of assassination.
That's a good question. I don't think it's ever
happened. The guy with the pneumonia. Oh, that
got everybody. It wasn't Harrison. Grover Cleveland?
No. Taft was fat. Taft was a big dog. Big dog.
There's something about Taft that's fat. Taft
was fat. Taffy Taffy. Now he looks like a normal
guy. What do you think the odds are of Biden
making it to November? Just chubby. What do you
think the odds are of Biden still being on the
ticket in November? He's not coming off the ticket,
is he? They're going to slide someone in. They
should have done that already. I feel like...
They would have done that by now. I don't know
if they can keep this up. This has been some
latest ones, some latest gaffes. What are you
doing over there, buddy? I'm just trying to find
this bull hitting this lady that you're going
to like. General Gaffes. Oh, I sent it to you
guys. The one that got loose? Yeah. All right,
sorry, I'll stop doing it. And it's like, I'm
proud to be an American. Oh, well, frankly, that's
what we knew was going to go. The song's playing.
Well, I'm proud to be in America, where at least
I know I'm free. And the bull jumps over the
fucking gates. Send it to the group, Jeff. Send
it to the group. And starts smashing people.
They picked up that lady and just kept bobbing
her. Just crushed a lady that was just standing
there. And I proudly stand up. She's like, I
got my nachos. She's wearing a red shirt. I thought
it was fine. I completely forgot what I was Googling.
What was I Googling? Uh -oh. Dementia. Who was
the president that died of pneumonia, given his
inauguration speech? Reagan. Harding? Harrison.
I don't know why I'm saying Harrison. Harrison
was 1841, 1868. This is natural causes. 1923
and 45 were the ones. Did he die in office? Harrison,
Taylor, Harding, and Roosevelt all died in office,
not assassinated. I think Harrison was the one
who gave a speech. He was like, I'm going to
show everyone. It was like 30 degrees and raining,
and he fucking died. Whoa. It was like a two
-hour inaugural speech. Whoa. They had long speeches
with those presidents. Maybe he wanted to die.
If you lived in 1841 and there was no medicine,
you might want to die, too. Those guys would
always give, like, three -hour speeches and get
shot. Not Joey. They'd get shot. Didn't Lincoln
give, like, when they were doing debates, he
did, like, six -hour debates publicly? Yeah,
Lincoln -Douglas debates. He's like Chappelle.
Yeah. They're really trying to hash it out. One
month in office, caught a cold, developed pneumonia.
April 4th, 1841, he died. First president died
in office. Those were the days. They never had
an emergency back then. With him died the Whig
program. What's the Whig program? The Whig party,
yeah. What's that? The Whigs was Democrats, Republicans,
and Whigs. Whig or please? What? The Whigs, were
they the know -nothing party also? I think so.
Whatever. Who cares? Jamie, fire up that bull
hitting that fucking lady. Yeah. Did you see
that Karen going after that black dude in the
ghetto? The who? What happened? Some black dude,
like ghetto -ish black dude who's like burgering
up or whatever on his front lawn in some Karen's
like, you know, you know, I'm getting out of
this neighborhood. And he goes, get that fucking
camera off my face. And she goes, it's my constitutional
right to film. And he just goes and punches her.
Really? Yeah. Whoa. That's pretty funny. Holy
shit. There it is. So this is the bull out. Oh,
move, lady. He's got her on the hook. Oh, my
gosh. Bro, she's doomed. You can see the thong.
Oh, that guy's filming and then decides I shouldn't
help her. When the rodeo bull escaped the ring
during the sister's rodeo. But if you see the
escape, the escape is what's exciting. She's
just talking to her friend. Red bull. Yeah. When
it first got out. Good for the bull. See, get
it when it first got out. That poor lady is sad.
Yes. But what makes me laugh is when. I'm proud
to be an American where at least I know I'm free.
Wait, that was just actually playing? That wasn't
dubbed in? Actually playing. Oh, Morgan. I don't
want to hear these people yapping. There's a
video where it just shows the bull doing it.
It's harder to find the actual video you want
once, like, I'm just Googling, you know, bull
escaping. I can see that too. All the clips and
everything. The bull escaping has a shocking
video. There it is, right here. Give me some
volume. He's got a plan. Start it from the beginning.
Oh! Oh! Oh, shit! Wait, wait. There's a great
what the fuck. Listen for the what the fuck.
Oh, she's wearing a red shirt. You're right.
Oh, that was it. I didn't know it was crushing
other dudes. Oh, yeah. He ran around for a while.
Oh, my God. What the fuck? What the fuck? Damn.
Goddamn. She's like, oh, no line at concessions.
It's just hilarious that that's a song that's
playing. Yeah. I'm proud to be in America where
at least I know I'm free. The bull got excited
like it was the Rocky theme. I'm fucking going
for it. He got out. He was like, where's that
bitch at? His name was Party Bus. Party Bus.
The bull's called Party Bus. Oh, my God. That
was in Oregon. You know, Oregon is all like a
red state and then Portland. Yeah, yeah. And
Eugene. Capital lesbians. The rest of it's like
rural hunters and shit. That's most of America.
Washington. Colorado's like that, too. Louisiana.
Colorado's like that, but these places, the cities
get so populated that they just overwhelm voting.
In Colorado, they just reintroduce wolves, and
the ranchers are like, what are you doing? Wait,
wait, wait. What do you mean reintroduce wolves?
They reintroduce wolves. They released wolves
in Colorado for the first time. Wolves used to
live all over the place. We killed them because
they're a real problem. Yeah, we used to be all
over the place, too. We killed those. Get out
of here. Yeah, but the wolves are a real problem.
They kill kids. They kill people. They kill dogs.
They kill all your livestock. If you don't control
the population of them, they're fucking dangerous.
The Soviet Union and Germany had a ceasefire
in World War I to kill wolves. Let's both work
on this. Yes. They were in the middle of killing
each other, and their wolves were killing so
many people, they decided to have a fucking ceasefire,
and then they killed wolves together, and then
they went back to killing each other. Damn, it's
like Walking Dead. Yeah. Or Palestine. That's
how scary wolves are. And these fucking jackasses
just released them into Colorado. Because they're
amazing. Because if you live in some beautiful
neighborhood with cement streets, you don't have
to think about that. There should be wolves.
There should be wolves. Wolves are incredible.
But you don't even know what a wolf is. That's
Little Red Riding Hood. That shit's real. There's
a reason why that was in every little kid's book.
Because they ate people. They ate people. Wolves
ate people. They ate dogs. So it's an allegory
to say stay away from them? Yeah, they're fucking
dangerous. Wolves are fucking dangerous, man.
Gators aren't going anywhere. I had a friend
that got surrounded by wolves. He killed an elk,
and the elk where the elk died was like right
next to the wolves' den. And so they went to
retrieve the elk, and the wolves started circling
them. He told my friend John Dudley. He killed
two of them with a bow and arrow, and his friend
killed one of them with a rifle. The wolves kept
rushing them. Dudley Moore. Just imagine. So
what'd he do? He killed them. He killed two of
them, and his friend killed one. And then they
fucking ran off, because wolves... Luckily don't
have an understanding of how many rounds someone
has and a rifle Because they were out of bullets
and he had like one arrow left and there was
like ten wolves and they killed three of them
That's a bad way to go bro It got real close
like they were running at them and they were
shooting him Promo the wolf is you got one in
your sights and there's another one behind you.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah They're clever there. Well,
they what they did was I stood there back to
a tree Yeah, and so they're like literally standing
with the old tree back. We got to get rid of
these trees. Bark. Bark Norman. That's the real
reason for the park being down. They're going
to reintroduce wolves in New York City. Did you
imagine that running all through the West Village?
You can't climb trees. That's actually a good
battle. All the bums versus the fucking wolves.
Oh, that's not bad. Listen, if the immigrant
population gets too dense, that's a movie. That's
pretty much a coliseum, right? They would take
kind of the bums. That's right. Fight them against
a lion. Well, this is what happens. It's always
the same result. That's it. They brought in coyotes
a long time ago. Coyotes are in New York City.
But they're a problem, too. Yeah, they're a real
problem. They'll eat your cat. They'll eat your
kid. There's a guy in Woodland Hills. There's
a video of his kid getting stolen by a coyote.
That's good to know. Yeah. Good way to get rid
of him. A little baby, like a toddler. He did
go eat his baby. Yeah, well, there's no abortion
here. He grabbed it and started running with
it, and he chased after the coyote. The coyote
drops the kid, and like, fuck. Oh, he saved it.
Yeah, he saved his kid. Ah, bummer. Jeez, Norman.
Wow. Mark, that type of thing's not funny. He's
just trying too hard to be shocking. Is that
a video of an alligator killing an old lady?
What? She's walking her dog right by the, you
see him like, it's like a log coming fast. And
then some lady calls like, they got her. They
got the lady. It's like. I don't know. She's
gone. That's horrible. That's horrible. When
I was a kid, I lived in Gainesville, Florida,
and there's alligators all over the place. And
a lady's dog got snatched up while I was there.
This lady was walking her dog by the water. And
the dog's, like, sniffing around, and this alligator
just jumped out of the water and grabbed the
fucking... Also, dogs will go... They'll see
the alligator, they'll go right up to it and
bark at it. Right. And be like, no, this doesn't
work on... She had this little white, like, poodle
-looking dog. The alligator just snatched it
right in front of everybody. Damn. You know,
you can only... Kill him by shooting him right
in the top of the head. It's the only way to
kill a gator. You can stab it, kick it, shoot
it, tase it. Won't do it. Wow. Got to hit it
right in the noggin. You ever watch Swamp People?
Yeah, they pull it up on the boat and just execute
it. That's not totally true. People bow hunt
alligators, and you shoot them through the ribs.
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, that can't be the only
way to kill it. Well, that's all these guys know.
You can fucking cut it in half. There's a couple
different ways to kill them. Well, you know,
I mean, if you're out there. Yeah, yeah. They're
so tough. Buzzsaw. They're so tough. You blow
it up. That's true. They were around before the
dinosaurs. While the dinosaurs existed, alligators
in some form, at least crocodiles in some form,
were alive. They say they never die. Like, if
you just let it live, it'll just keep going.
Yeah. Yeah, they just keep getting bigger. Wow.
Yeah. What the fuck, dude? It's like Trump. Can't
stop it. He's getting bigger. We're trying to
arrest him. He got bigger. Imagine if he just
got on keto, started doing tests, doing some
growth hormone, taking a lot of creatine, doing
body weight squats and fucking deadlifts. He
would die. See Trump start swinging kettlebells.
If he gets off fucking McDonald's and Diet Coke,
he's dead. Probably. He's already lived to 78.
Yeah. Amazing. God, everybody's so fucking old.
Everybody's so fucking old. We looked at the
other day the founding fathers, how old they
were. Yeah, they're 28. 18. One of them was 18.
Shut up. One of the founding fathers was 18.
That's why they were like, Ben Franklin was 80.
He was 40. Really? They're all wigs. They're
all white wigs. Yeah, they weren't that old,
man. It's crazy. And the people that we have
running this country are old as shit. What are
we doing? We're stuck. Nobody wants to do it.
You don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.
No young people want to do that job. Unrelated.
They have no understanding of what it's like
to be living. But give RFK a shot. He's ripped.
I like RFK a lot. I like RFK a lot. And then
I was taking a shit this morning. I was looking
at my phone, and it was RFK talking to, like,
two birds on his porch. Oh, no. Yeah, he's got
a raven. God damn it. He's got a pet raven. Don't
film this, dude. Come on, I like that. He's a
falconer, too. Look, I get it. I like it. I like
it. Made me like him more. I like those birds.
I think they're cool birds. Come on, bro. But
what's he saying? Like vaccine shit to the birds?
No. Don't give a shot. He feeds the birds and
they become his friend. Oh, all right. He's being
friends with birds on camera. Don't do that.
That makes me nervous. I like him. I think he's
clearly the most sane. What he talked about with
talking to birds on the porch was, I don't need
it. Is there a possible way that he could win?
No way. No chance. Yeah, not this time. He could
start over again for the next one, right? Yeah,
but as an independent, can anybody really win?
No. Not the system we have. It just won't allow
it. And not a Kennedy. He's going to get clipped.
Runs with the family. Right. But is it? Is it
just that they won't allow it or that no one
has ever really hit the kind of popularity? I
think it's like Trump went independent. Let's
imagine this. He could win. He could win. He's
already big. But it's like, remember UHF? None
of those UHF shows could be as big as the 2 to
11. Good analogy. Damn, you went old school.
I forgot what that meant. Yeah, he's too young.
There was like a secondary channel system. Yeah,
where like Benny Hill was on. That's the only
thing I know. Remember that? Remember Benny Hill?
Yeah, Doctor Who was on there. Yeah, Doctor Who.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Star Trek Next Generation
was on there. Your old QTV. Oh, man. That was
the old days. UHF. But those could never, even
if they were the most popular shows, people just
didn't go to it. Remember Dark Shadows with Barnabas
Collins? No. No. It was a vampire show that was
on UHF. Whoa. Is that public access? Is that
different? No, it's not. It's just like not ABC,
NBC, or CBS, but it wasn't cable either. It's
kind of like AM. Yeah, it's like AM radio. It
was like shitty local channels, like local Boston
channels. UHF. Used to have ultra -high frequency
radio for over -the -air transmissions and television
signals. No, the antennas were for everything.
Bro, you used to have fucking, you'd put tinfoil
on your thing to make the signal come in better.
People had all these wacky fucking antennas.
Some dudes had them on their roof. Someone's
got to hold it, because if you're not touching
it, we can't see the game. No, you have to touch
the fucking TV. You have to hold the thing in
place. And some guys would get these bomb -ass
antennas. You'd go by Mike's house, like, look
at Mike's antenna. Oh, my God. His TV must be
crystal clear. He gets shows from Myanmar. Bro,
I remember the first time I ever saw a satellite
dish. It was bigger than his fucking table. Some
dude had a satellite dish in his backyard. I
go, what are you doing with this? He goes, I
get TV from Japan. I was like, what? How are
you getting TV from Japan? Do you ever watch
it, Rick and Morty? This was a long time ago,
man. This was in the 90s. This guy had a giant
-ass dish in his backyard. He was getting international
television shows. But he's not watching any of
those shows. He's still watching just fucking.
I don't know. what he was watching. I just know
this dude invested in a fucking dish that took
up like one eighth of his backyard. Damn, I do.
The dishes are all over. You go to the roof in
New York, there's like seven dishes up there.
But aren't those usually small, like the DirecTV
dishes? Now they're smaller. The funny thing
is to see them in third world countries. You
see, like, just a concrete shack, but they got
their dish. You know what Elon just announced?
They just announced those Starlink setups that
you could take in a backpack. Like, it's like
the size of a laptop. So anywhere you go in the
world, you could take one of these Starlinks,
set it up, and you will have wireless internet
where you could stream 4K movies. Whoa. Yep.
High -speed wireless internet the size of a backpack.
Damn. He fucked that tribe in Africa. He fucked
a tribe? What? Fucked him up. The whole tribe.
He wants kids. I know that. He likes kids, but...
No, no, no. He wants to have kids. Elon? Yeah,
he's got them. He has a bunch, but I'm not saying
he... You can't say he likes kids in this day
and age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta be clear.
He went to Africa and gave them the internet,
and they fucked him up. Oh, it wasn't Africa.
It was the Amazon. Yeah. Uncontactables. Yeah,
they started whacking off. Yeah. It's going to
happen. They're not equipped for it. We're not
equipped for it. They're definitely not equipped
for it. What's crazy is this tribe does not even
allow public displays of affection like kissing.
What? And then all of a sudden, in WhatsApp messages,
they were sending porn to each other. And so
the tribe leader was like, what the fuck is this?
Because they were all just sitting around scrolling
on their phones. Yeah, I mean, how could you
not? If you just discovered porn, there was no
porn, and that's all there is porn, you'd be
like, gonna happen. It's gonna happen. You give
someone a phone, give them a connection, let
them know porn's real. I mean, when the iPhone
came out, it was... Right. Can you get porn on
that? Right to porn. I can get it on the internet.
Can you get porn on that? It was the first question
anyone asked. That's what we do. That's back
when it was like you could go Wi -Fi and cellular.
Cellular wasn't good enough. Right. Yeah. You
couldn't even really watch YouTube back then.
It was just too sketchy. There was no apps. Yeah.
Anything for that stuff. But it was like I could
go on, you know, bangbus .com or something like
that and slowly get one. Party bus. Well, you
know, those cave drawings have dicks. Like, they're
doing porn then. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's a bunch
of old porn that exists, like, in, like, ancient
Egyptian porn, like, hieroglyphic -looking porn.
Porn. Like, they're watching it to get off. Like,
people boning people. Ancient Greek porn. Like,
dudes with big, hard dicks banging girls doggy
style. But was it, like, let me show you what
people were doing, or was it for, like, eroticism?
I think it was for eroticism. Yeah. Who was it?
Like, Pottery Jamie? Who was bringing that up?
It wasn't Brian Murrow Rescue. Do you remember
who it was that was bringing up all the Egyptian...
Oh, Flint Dibble. Wasn't it Flint Dibble? Flint
Dibble? What kind of name is that? He's an archaeologist.
Flint Dibble. Turin erotic papyrus. Oldest known
depiction of human sexuality. There you go. But
that's a depiction. It's not really like porn,
though. Is that people boning in that picture?
Oh, look at the... That's what it looked like?
Animals boning? They all have dongs. Oh. There
you go. I mean, look, if you only lived to be
20 years old back then, that's probably all people
thought about. Like, get your nuts off before
you get your head chopped off. I gotta fuck.
I gotta fuck. Before you get fucking slaughtered
by the neighboring tribe. Oh, what a hellscape
life must have been like back then. I know, but
they were probably happier than us. No. That's
nonsense. I don't know. Not us. We're having
a good time. We're all banged up. Yeah, but who
fucking has more fun than us, us? Well, that's
different. We're living a life. But we're alive
in the same time. What we're doing is possible
for other folks in other jobs, in other ways
of life. But the whole thing is finding great
groups of people having a good old time. Chuck
went this way. Yeah! That a baby. We can bring
back America. We're trying. It's not looking
good. No, but we can bring back the song. We're
still number one, dude. We got the song. Oh,
Ari, if you're listening. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.
I think it's time to get a little rad. I think
we need to get – I need that bong, please. Oh,
no. Oh, we got two. We got double. We got double
eagle bongs. That's a bad idea. What are you
talking about? What is this, the beginning of
the – look at that. Look at that hard -on. That's
a ridiculous dick. Really? Imagine that dick.
I've seen yours. You're all right. Thank you.
But that seems like it would hurt somebody. Yeah,
nice penis. You got a hammer. Thank you very
much. Very nice. We're getting that cold punch,
dude. Joe's – I saw that. My dick evaporates,
dude. Of course. That thing is still... Good
for you, Joe. Thank you. It says on it on the
side, which I thought was weird. It's going to
be a chilly beer. Contractual obligation. What,
have a giant... No, on it on the side of my cock.
It's part of the deal. To rep the kettlebells.
America. Wait, it's on. Oh, shit, I'm done. Here
we go. One more time. We're still number one,
dude. We are number one. We're number one even
if we lose. True. Fuck yeah! It's awfully cold.
Oh my god. That's fun. That's fun. Hell yeah.
And we're back. I'm tired of people saying America
sucks, dude. Who says that? You know what, man?
What's going on there? We're just being gay lately,
but that's all right. This is what it is. This
is a declining empire. No, it's not, dude. Stop.
We could come back. We're going to dip a little.
We're going to come back. I disagree. I see videos
all the time of people using this fucking eagle
at their barbecues. Oh, we put that eagle on
the map. They still know America rules. Oh, America
rules. Also, go to another country. No, no, no,
no, no, no. We rule. We're the best. But the
world's fucked. The civilization's fucked. I
don't know. We're getting a little weird and
queefy with China's buying all our farms and
our real estate. Very dangerous. Very dangerous.
Digital control, all of it. Very dangerous. We're
going to get to a point in our lifetimes where
we're going to make a choice between AI or no
freedom. What do you mean? AI or no freedom?
What do you mean? AI is going to govern things.
Or you're going to have human beings governing
things, and the tightness and the grasp that
they're going to have on your ability to do anything
is going to be so great that all freedoms will
be gone, innovation will be stifled, giant corporations
will control everything, and they'll act like
totalitarian governments. They're already trying
to do that. They're trying to silence people
on social media and do all kinds of things to
obscure facts and put out bullshit narratives.
They're doing that right now, and they have the
power to do that. And if they get bigger, they're
going to do it more. Yeah. America. But, you
know, I would say this, though. Throughout history,
everybody's always thought this. No matter what,
they'd be like, this is it. This is the end.
We're done. That was in the 50s. They were living
life. They just got done winning. They won the
entire world. But they had a nice, chill moment.
It was like that two years after gay marriage
was legal. And the gays were like, alright, we'll
calm down now. We saw an Assyrian tablet. There
was an Assyrian tablet from like 2900 B .C. And
it was talking about how the end of the world
is close. And everything's falling apart. Then
those guys' shit was falling apart. Yeah. Yeah,
it was. Dude, if you look at... Think of any
time throughout history, it sucked. It sucked.
You look around, everything sucks, it's all going
to shit. You look around, it all looks pretty
good. We went to Mothership last night. We had
a great show. Cocktails. Had a lot of laughs.
We did Bottom of the Barrel for a half an hour.
You guys were on for a while. We had fun. We
had so much fun. But also, you know what's funny?
They definitely did this exact same thing back
then. He's got three drinks now. You had three?
Watch out. A licker here. That's bad. I see it.
One shot. That's Ron White tequila. I know. I'm
trying to support. That's Ron White stuff. He
says there's no hangover. Number one. I'll believe
it when I see it. No, that's not true. He's lying
to you. I agree. There's no hangover in this
tequila at all. That's not true. It doesn't even
drink. Ron doesn't drink it. Oh, it's a miracle?
It's an elixir? Yeah, exactly. Major elixir of
life. Joe said it heart to heart with Ron White.
He said, you've got to switch to silver tequila.
It'll change your life. And he goes, it did change
my life. And I'm like. DeRosa, you're an alcoholic.
And that changed your life. DeRosa fucking, don't
you dare. Switching to silver tequila changed
your life. And Ron White is sober. Such disdain
in your voice. Yeah, DeRosa rules, dude. Don't
you dare get in his head that he's an alcoholic
because he will stop drinking with me. I take
it back. Joe, I take it back. I didn't mean that
at all. You're the best drunk. He's Austin's
newest resident. We must defend him. Hey, you
got another one. We got another one. DeRosa's
another man. I love DeRosa. Get one of the firemen
out there, whatever you get. One of those guys.
Firemen? My shades. Security guards. You thought
those were firemen? Security guards. You can
go grab them. Go run out there. I don't want
to lose anything. I bet you have to pee. I got
nothing. No, you had three shots. You want Ari's?
You want to wear Ari's? Thanks, yeah. Do you
feel more comfortable this way? I just, yeah.
You're a little hidden. Yeah. It's nice. I did
a whole podcast with them with Dylan. Yeah. Big
crazy square sunglasses that the ladies wear.
Yeah, it's nice. It feels good. You wear those,
you hide. You can talk some shit. It's fun to
stare at chicks in New York with them on. Oh,
you're such a creeper, the way you said it. God,
dude. Jeez, with that goatee. Coming out of a
tunnel. Coming out of a tunnel staring. I'll
stare up your skirt, then right back down the
tunnel. Remember when you had a Hitler mustache?
Yeah, I had to. I wanted you to do that today.
You said no, it's actually a bad idea. And then
I said yes, it's obviously bad. Oh, we do have
a trimmer. Michael Jordan does it. No, we do
have a trimmer. We do have a Hitler mustache.
He could do it. Michael Jordan could. No, he
could do it. I had one once on a podcast. Legion
of Skins had to wear a Hitler mustache of all
their pubes. Dave Lewis and Big Jack. That's
not very nice. That's not very fun. It was not.
I agree it was not very fun. I didn't like that.
Was that because you finally spun the wheel?
I spun the wheel. It was eat a goldfish. Do you
think there's ever going to be a time where the
Hitler mustache can come back? No. Yes. Same
with Adolf. Adolf's fucked too. Adolf's fucked.
Adolf is out. Adolfus. Adolphus Bush. Hey, look
at that. Oh, here we go. It smells so bad. You
can smell the difference in their pubes, too.
Who had the best smell on pubes? Dave. Ew, you
like Dave's pubes. I don't like them. They just
didn't smell as bad as Lewis's. I heard you liked
them. You said they smelled good. Got his ass.
Got his ass. I heard you said they smelled like
fresh basil. I lost the bet. Oh, bro. Oh, wow.
Yeah, you look like it. Oh, boy. I couldn't breathe.
Yeah, but in all fairness, you did take a shit
in a Tupperware and fucking open it up on stage
in front of them. Shitler. That's right. Sure.
I got a good one. My friends called their mom
Shitler. There was three brothers, and they would
chant. They'd go, Mother Shitler. Oh, my God.
And she'd be like, fuck you, stop it. And then
one day they spray -painted Shitler on the side
of her work van. Really? That's a bit much. It
was pretty funny, though. Those guys go hard.
Those guys are animals. Those are good times.
Those are the guys I'd go to if a crime was committed.
Those are the first guys I'd question. Complete
animals. And by the way, those guys, that goes
in the hate. crime stats, even though it's just
my mom. Anything like that. We were out and then
we would drive the van. We were kids. And when
they would go to work, we would take the van.
We were children driving this van around. And
then we would take it off. We would take it into
a field. and just drive it around. Then one time,
I wasn't in it, and I watched them hit a hill,
and the entire bottom of the shitler van fell
out. I was like, holy shit. Run, run. We put
it in neutral and pushed it back into the driveway,
and then nothing happened. Then Mother Shitler
came home. Oh, no. She started the car. I was
like, what the fuck's going on? Oh, my God. Well,
kids were feral back then. You just did crazy
shit. I remember one time I got blackout drunk.
I was out with my friends all night. They brought
me back home. They put me on the porch, and they
shot me with paintballs. And they shot my whole
front of my house. And my dad came out in a robe,
and he had like a nom flashback, and he flipped
out. Remember donuts? You guys do donuts as soon
as it snows. Just go to the local high school.
Go to parking lots, do donuts. Parking lots or
a football field. and then just wait for the
cops to show up. Remember how much snow ruled
before fucking gay -ass global warming? We used
to have snow. Real snow day. Snow rules. So are
you guys not getting much snow at all in New
York anymore? No. No, the whole last year we
got almost none. Really? Last year there was
a little. I think the year before there was zero.
No snow? Bro, it's real. Or like a quick dusting,
but no shutting down everything today. I drove
by Lake Travis out here. It's the big lake. It's
like 40 % capacity. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. Oh,
it's gone. 60 % of it's missing. Oh, that's a
bummer. Bro, it's nuts. I know it's fun to be
based and red -pilled on these podcasts, but
global warming might be real. It didn't snow
for fucking five years. Here's the thing. It
is definitely a real thing. Secretly? Wow, you
went with no music. You guys are having a conversation.
It's definitely real. The question is, like,
How much of it is because of us? And how much
of this green deal stuff is just bullshit where
people are trying to make money and control people?
Because both things are happening simultaneously.
There is some sort of a change in the climate,
but then also when you look at the level of carbon
in the atmosphere, it's like the amount of it
is not that much. I don't think it's the major
issue. What is the issue? The world gets hotter.
There's never a static temperature for Earth
from 65 million years ago to today. When they
do core samples, it does this all throughout
history. The question is how much of an impact
do we have on it? We know we're having some impact.
That's what they know. These are snowfall totals
for Central Park over the last, I mean, it goes
back a while, but these are just the last 25
years. 2 .3 and 7 .5. Those are the lowest two.
It's just the last two years at the bottom, but
it's been low before. Yeah, 2 .5 in 2019, 2006.
Yeah, it's low there. 4 .8 just a couple years
ago. 2 .6 in 2006. Oh, that's just January. You're
looking at December. 0 .2 in 2011. No, no, you're
looking at just a month. The totals are on the
right side. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. 2 .3. It's been
low. It's been high. It's been low. It's been
up and down. It's nice. No black ice is nice.
But here's the thing. If you make some crazy
decisions that are going to destroy the economy.
You make some wild decisions that are going to
destroy the economy and enrich giant corporations.
But nothing changes because it just keeps going
up and down. You got to be fucking careful. These
eggheads are not careful. China and India are
not going to chill. They're going full bore.
It's mostly them. And their economy is going
to grow because of it. China went crazy, though,
on environment. What are you talking about? They
just built 200 new coal -powered plants. Whoa.
I thought they were cleaning up all their pollution.
No, they're talking shit. They have concentration
camps. They're making new coal plants. Well,
because their air is so bad, they're like, we
got to do something here. They figured out some
ways to mitigate that, and they're also developing
gigantic filters, so they're like the size of
an apartment building. Wow. Yeah. I read the
China coal plant thing one time. It said they're
making a bunch, but they're all smaller. Yeah,
whatever. Come on. Little tiny one, my friend.
More efficient is all I mean. Smaller, but more
efficient. But it doesn't matter. They're still
making coal plants. Coal plants, no matter what
the fuck you do, you're burning coal, you're
releasing particulates. And that shit gets over
cars. Where was it? In Indiana? Is that where
it was? We saw that documentary on this one area
that has three coal plants within a 30 -mile
radius. And these people's cars have a thin...
black sooty layer on them. So you're breathing
that in. You go jogging outside. You're just
taking in particulates. My family's from the
coal region in Pennsylvania. It's rough, dude.
Centralia? Bro. You ever hear about that place?
Never heard of it. It's still on fire. A coal
mine caught on fire. We've had the videos on
the show multiple times. It's been on fire since
the 50s or something. I went up there. It's fun
to go up there. It's just an abandoned area.
It's like Silent Hill. It's fucking kind of scary.
The coal caught fire underground. I'm not scared,
though. And there's so much coal that the coal
stayed on fire forever. I don't get scared. What
about the Palestine, Ohio? Didn't they have something?
No, that was a spill. That was railroad tracks.
That's bad. That wasn't even a problem, dude.
Don't worry about it. It could burn for another
250 years for the exhaust, the coal supply, the
fuels, the rules. Want to see a video? It's fucking
nuts. There's like holes in the ground. Smoke
is coming out of the ground. It's just a graffiti
abandoned highway. They abandoned everything.
They had to abandon the whole town. Never ending
fire. So the whole town is stuck, and so everybody
had to move out of the town. Really? As the thing
got bigger, yeah, you're breathing toxic fumes
all day. Everybody had just bail. Oh, it was
funny. Shane Torres was headlining the Centralia
Comedy Festival. No, he was doing Harrisburg
Comedy Zone, and I was hosting, and I was like,
you want to go see Centralia? And we went in
between shows. It was nice. How far? Friday,
Saturday. It's probably like 40 minutes north
of Harrisburg. Wow. It's fun going with a band
in places. What does it smell like when you're
outside? You wouldn't notice it, but then every
once in a while you see a crack in the ground
with smoke. No way. This is crazy. You want to
put a grate over it, throw some burgers down?
Somebody drew a bunch of dicks on a highway for
like a mile straight. It's pretty fun. Someone
just spray -painted an abandoned highway with
dicks. Speaking of hamburgers on a grill, did
you see that photo of Chuck Schumer grilling
in his backyard with raw hamburgers and no fire?
He deleted it. He took a photo. He took it down.
It's so nice to be out here grilling burgers.
He had a photo shoot. He's just making a fake
thing. Yeah, but the grill was not on. The burgers
were fucking old, gray -looking burgers. He's
got a smile on his face. It's like this. It's
almost like an AI picture. We got the shot. Go
back inside. Yeah, this is it. So there's no
heat at all on that grill. Look down at the grill.
The cheese is still rock hard. Try to find fire.
There's no smoke. Nothing's happening. That's
not the best picture. I've seen a more high -resolution
photo of it online. As you get in there, like...
There's no fire. God, Chuck Schumer lives like
that with his neighbors right next to him. These
have burp, unless those are fake. Those are good
dogs. Those are quality dogs. Those dogs look
great. The burgers are trouble. Yeah, the burgers
are bullshit. I don't know what's going on with
the dogs. Decent tits, though. Kind of looks
like fire there. That's actually a pretzel. Close
in on that, Jamie. I can't get any closer. Okay,
find a better photo. There's a little higher
resolution. I thought that was fire, too, and
I zoomed in. It looks like a pretzel that's stuck
in between the grates. He's got his readers on
the right. Check to see. I might be wrong. I
don't think I am, though. See if you can find
a more high -resolution photo. As you zoom in.
I thought it was fire. Oh, the fire's underneath
there. He just put the burgers down. Oh, Jesus.
It's got grill marks on it. It's like a little
bit. Those wieners are right out of the package.
They come like that. The people making fun of
them. Join the fight for free speech. He just
goes, no thanks. First of all, if that's the
grill marks you have on that patty, you don't
know how to fucking cook a hamburger, you goddamn
communist. Because you're cooking a hamburger
only for TV or for the internet. You're not really
cooking a hamburger to eat. I can't respect your
fake game. Think about, like, think about when
you see, as a man, who grills? When you see,
like, comedians do the social media route. Think
how bad politicians are. They're way worse. These
comedians are like, people around you being like,
dude, that's fucking lame. Take that down. AOC
at the border crying. Yeah. And it was like,
you know. Did you see Condoleezza, whatever the
vice president is? No, whoever the lady is. Kamala
Harris. Kamala Harris, yeah. Condoleezza Harris.
She's clapping and singing along to a song that
was like, burn America down or whatever it was.
No, no, no, they were talking about her. She's
a dumb bitch. And she's like. Yeah, and then
someone had to inform her. They're actually yelling
out, Kamala Harris is a dumb bitch. That's got
to hurt. She's like, oh, that hurts. Well, that's
not nice at all. Well, let's keep moving. I changed
my mind. Let's keep moving. It's like when you
think you're killing at the mothership and you're
repeating jokes. You were killing. You were killing
and repeating jokes at the same time. They're
hiding that lady. It was the last time you saw
her. I think she's sucking out some of Joe Biden's
dementia. Did you see Jimmy Kimmel doing that
thing with Barack Obama and Joe Biden? What are
they doing? Like, Jimmy Kimmel's doing, like,
shows with them. He brings them out, and they
do, like, a show, like a fundraiser type deal.
Yes, sitting on a stage, like in a theater. And
then Obama has to walk Joe Biden off the stage.
Imagine if they just changed the rules and said,
you can keep running if you win. There's no term
limits anymore. This is a crazy job. It's very
hard to do. And Obama decides to run again. He
wins like that. Joe, step out. Obama wins like
that. Oh, yeah. People like Obama. If they just
change that law. If they just change that law.
Biden has now lost all his, hey, I'm friends
with Obama cred. Bro, he's lost all his, I'm
a competent human being who's not dying thread.
It's crazy going to rural Australia and talking
to people like, how do you rate Joe Biden? And
I was like, I don't rate him at all. I don't
follow politics. And they're like, nice. Well,
Australia's got some problems, too. They had
like a men behaving badly clause or whatever.
Did you see that? What's that? What do you mean?
Pull it up. There was something about how they're
like, we've got to redefine men and change everything.
Bro, they went woke. They went hard woke. And
I never would have thought. I love Australia.
The problem is the type of people that get into
office are always nuts. And those type of people
are the people that are going to get the university
kids behind them. And we're going to push a progressive.
That's just politics. Australia's not woke. Australia's
fucking dirtbags. No, you're right. You're right.
It's not Australia, but it's Australia politics
as well. It's the Florida of the world. But it's
always a fucking tyrannical feud that are opposing
people being able to just do whatever the fuck
they want. Australian people are wild. They're
fun people, man. Is that what you're talking
about? Maybe. What is it? Australia's Men Behavior
Change Program? That's it, yeah. What is it?
Behavior Change Program. Services for men looking
to overcome a history of abusive behavior towards
their female partner, including violence, coercive
control, and... If this doesn't involve mushrooms,
then they should shut the fuck up. You gotta
take classes or something. Yeah, that's not gonna
work. That's a bummer. Any classes you'd have
to take? that would get you through, like, one,
five grand. Joey Diaz had to take one class,
and he avoided Seattle for 20 years. He's still
avoiding it. He still won't go there. He still
won't go there. He had to take one class. I'm
like, don't be so rageful with strangers. He
goes, I'll just leave the whole West Coast. Well,
not only that. In Seattle, you could basically
do anything, and they let you right out of jail.
It's so crazy. And they're getting him for, like,
what did he do? It was, like, parental stuff.
It was, like, 70 years ago. I think he hit a
guy. I think a guy, his ex -wife was dating.
I think it was one of those things. I feel like
you're allowed to hit that guy. It depends on
who the guy is. It depends on who you are. But
I support Joey Diaz staying out of Seattle. Seattle
doesn't deserve him. He should do Spokane, though.
He's a good Spokane guy. Spokane's the shit.
You know what else is the shit? Tacoma. I did
Tacoma with Dave. We did Tacoma Dome. That was
the biggest show I ever did. I saw a monster
truck rally there. I was doing this Tacoma Comedy
Club. I went to the Tacoma Dome for a monster
truck. I didn't know monster trucks were just
for kids. No, I don't smoke kids. Fucking pedophile,
dude. Retarded people are allowed to go, too.
True. Dave and I broke the attendance record
there. We did 25 ,000 people there. It was the
nuttiest show I ever did. Damn. We were backstage,
like, right before. When we first did our first
few shows, what would happen is I would do my
set, and Dave would have a DJ in between. He
had, like, this whole thing, like, DJs. Oh, yeah.
People would, like, play in music and shit. And
so the DJ would introduce him. So I got offstage,
and the DJ starts playing music. And Dave and
I are standing there, and he just looks at us,
and he goes, not a lot of motherfuckers get to
do this. Wow. And we were just looking at it.
It's one of the coolest moments ever that I used
to remember. The other one was when Dave, the
audience did not know Dave was going to go on
stage. I was doing an arena in Columbus with
Hinchcliffe, and I think Hans Klim. No. Yeah?
Maybe Bronson? Krim. Was it Hans? It could have
been both of them. Might have been both of them.
Anyway, we're doing this giant ass arena in Columbus.
And Dave shows up while Tony's on stage. And
Tony doesn't even know whether or not he's going
to bring up me or Dave. I go, Dave's coming.
Because he said he's coming. So Tony is thinking
he's bringing me up. But I'm walking with Dave
up to the stage. And the audience realizes at
a certain point that Dave's walking the stage.
And it's a minute standing ovation. Damn. Like
one solid minute. And me and Tony were just sitting
there like, wow. Just looking around like, this
is amazing. That's right. It's like we were on
a drug. How many times do you get to see one
person generate this kind of love? And just cool
to see. Watch this. Watch this. This is Tony
introducing him. I think we watched this last
time. So he thinks it's me right now. And two
of the best in the world. Look at Tony rolling
with it instantly. They go bigger when they see
him. Bro, one whole minute. That's a Super Bowl.
What happened to the video? Tony's so happy.
What happened to the video? Just froze. Just
froze? So, trust me, it was one whole minute.
That's a Super Bowl for those people. It was
one whole minute, and then he points to the mic,
and he goes, OH! It was amazing. Tony, roll with
that fast, too, because he's bringing you up
in the middle. He goes, I'm bringing up one of
the greatest comics, and instantly he goes...
Two of my best friends. He didn't change like
that. He rolled fast. He saw it and changed.
We had a thing. If it's Dave, come towards the
stage with a light so I'll see your cell phone
light. So I had the cell phone light and I was
waving it towards him and he saw the two of us
as we were walking up. One of my best friends,
two of the best comedians in the world right
in that moment. That's cool to think you went
from the shitty Boston rooms to that. That's
the cool thing about comedy. My favorite of those
was hosting at the Cellar. She had me host for
a while, and then she goes, you don't like hosting,
do you? I'm like, no. I should be hosting. But
I brought on Louie at his height at like 2016,
2015. And I was like, and we're already friends,
but I was like, please pop in. Please welcome
Louie Seeker. And they're so fucking nuts in
a 140 -seater. And I was like, do they always
do this for you? And he goes, what? That's fun.
When Dave came to the mothership, when the first
week it was open, that was the same kind of deal,
too. We had just started. Yeah, I opened for
him. That's right. I bombed his little boy. No,
you did not bomb. You're lying. You're lying.
Not true. Shane bombed was like an A -. No, it
wasn't. You didn't even remotely bomb. It was
a great set. It was just the first time anyone
had ever stepped foot on that stage. You were
the first person to talk into that microphone
in front of an audience. It was a stressful situation
because Joe introduced it, and then I went up,
and then you could just tell everyone. And it
was all just. friends. You know what I mean?
It wasn't like a regular crowd. It was Chappelle
and all his people, Rogan back there, and then
I got up there and I was like... You're lying.
You're lying. We sold the tickets online on Twitter
in five minutes. I said there's a special intimate
show tonight at 11 .30. Come down. I feel like
Chappelle had like 20 people with him. Well,
he always has a boss. Yeah, there's 20 people
in the back of that. But the place was packed.
It was 110 people stuffed into this small room
and no one knew who the show was I just said
it's a special surprise intimate show and the
place sold out And so they didn't even know who
they were seeing why so they see you cuz you
want to do little room the big room the night
before I just wanted to fuck around and no one
had done. He's like cuz he walked in He's like
when are you gonna open up this big room? And
I go, you want to do it tomorrow night? You want
to do it tonight? He's like, let's do it. So
it was like that simple. So I was like, okay,
we're going to open up the big room. So the wait
staff, everybody's brand new. Everyone's just
like getting going. We'd only been open a day.
Damn. I mean, maybe a couple days. We just started.
We started. The whole idea was we're going to
open up once. We're going to do one show. We're
going to figure out what happens, see how everything
goes, what we need to tighten up, and then do
two shows, see how that goes. So we went with
one show a night, and we said, okay, we're going
to try two shows a night. And then we did a couple
of these shows like that. And we never stopped.
We never did the break. We just kept going. You
kept thinking that the rah -rah -rah -ness of
it would fade away in a month or two, and it
just hasn't at all. Bro, I forget to post images
sometimes that tickets are on sale, and I go,
let me go check the website. They're fucking
sold out. Like, immediately. Me and Mark did
a show last night, and they were like, I mean,
they put it up a week ago. And then they were
like, all right, tickets are on sale, and it's
14 minutes. Gone. Damn. That never happens to
me. It's crazy. A block of cheese would sell
out there. There's a bunch of hardcore comedy
fans. And they're fucking honest with their laughs,
too. They're honest with their laughs, too. They
know when you're not really getting it right.
And they know when you are, when you really go
for something. But the thing is, they come. If
you're an audience member, you come going like,
hey, it's going to be a good night. And you're
going to leave at minimum going, oh, that one
guy was really good, the other guy. And then
they see someone, suddenly it's like Tim Dillon.
And they're like, that's not right! Yeah. Yeah.
Anybody they know, it's like, they even better.
Yeah. Bro, Theo Vaughn got popped the other day.
Holy shit. What do you mean? He went on stage.
They went crazy. He's one of the biggest comics
in the world. No one gives a crazy response to
Joey Diaz. When Joey Diaz went on the other day,
literally people were like bouncing around in
the crowd like it was a mosh pit. Like, yes.
They're all so excited for each other. Like,
you and your buddy are there and like, we did
it. Yeah, we got it when Joey's there. Yeah.
Damn. Have you gone to Dave's Club? I have not,
but I will. I definitely will. I heard his restaurant's
insane. Restaurant? Yeah, he's got a restaurant
connected to it with some amazing five -star
chef that he loves that he brought to Yellow
Springs to work at his restaurant. Comedy's in
a crazy space. It's so funny seeing these grown
-up children have hundreds of millions of dollars.
I know, right? It's bizarre. Damn, well, the
Brady roast is like, it's crazy to see that much
mainstream. Like, the biggest quarterback and
the biggest comedians are interacting. The Brady
roast was the number one show in Netflix history.
Really? And your fucking stupid watch went off
at the perfect time. The number one show was
dirty comedy in the history of Netflix. That's
right. That's it. There you go. The number one
show. Nikki Glaser, Andrew Schultz, Tony Hinchcliffe,
everybody going hard. Hard. Hard. That was the
number one show in Netflix history. Love it.
Fuck yeah. Most of that was yours. All right.
You hear that, Sarandos? Quick censoring. They
know. He knows. Okay. Sarandos is a good man.
Actually, he's kind of a bro. Is he? He's a good
man. Yeah, he's a good man. I saw him backstage.
I didn't know who he was, and he was just looking
at me backstage at the forum for Tony, and he
just turns around. I just thought he was some
guy. And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like,
I'm cutting a hole in Kobe. Brian Jersey so I
can put my dick through it. It's like, come on.
And he's like, oh, cool. I was like, who was
that guy? Like, he runs Netflix. I'm like, oh,
that's that guy? Oh, shit. You worked for him.
You did a fucking two -part special for him.
Yeah, it's true. You did a two -part special.
But that's comedy. That's what comedy's supposed
to be. Well, he was there for it. Well, that's
what comedy can be. If you let it go as wild
as it should. Yes. The only way you find out
what the limits are is you let Brian Holtzman
on stage. You find out what the limits are. We
got Brian Holtzman on our stage all the fucking
time. And we have him headlined. He's a limit
tester. We have him headlined. Instead of putting
him at the end of the night, we have Brian's
headlining. That is the end of the night. In
the big room. But no, he's doing regular shows.
And it's not like a long show where it's two
in the morning, you finally get to see him, and
he goes crazy. No, he does whatever the fuck
he wants. But that's how, when we started, that's
where he was. Tommy relegated him. He used to
be just somewhere towards the end, but still
like second, third. Thank you, sir. Thank you,
sir. But he's so, I didn't know who he was, because
I was in L .A. So you see him, he's like in a
polo shirt, buttoned up, with Jackie pants. Sharkskin
suit. Yeah, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?
Is there another show, another song that we can
go with other than that? What's another one?
How about that one that the bull ran out to?
Yeah, that's a good one. Thank you, Ari. Perfect.
Perfect dancer. Time to be in America so at least
I know I'm free. Jamie, please cue it up. At
least the hostages. Oh, Jesus. Hold on, hold
on. Wait, wait, wait. Norman, you're not even
really Jewish, right? No. Norman's not Jewish.
Everyone thinks I'm a Jew. Come on. I kind of
suck at it. Oh, you want to do it with us? You
want a knife? I got a knife. I'll do it then.
What do you got, shotgunning? You got to open
it. Oh, nice. Yeah, Norman. That's better than
the eagle. I like a shotgun. Shut your fucking
dirty communist mouth. This is the eagle. Oh,
right in the middle. Interesting. Here we go.
Why are you going to cut his mouth with that
fucking terrible shitty job you did? Yeah, what
are you doing? You're going to kill my lip. No,
I'm sorry. You drink out of the front. I'm stupid.
You don't drink out of the hole. No, you don't.
I'm right. You drink out of the hole. Yeah, you
fucking idiot. Fair enough. You need to drink
out of the hole. You doubted yourself for a second.
I did. Yeah, get the bottle. I'm not much of
a fucking... I did doubt myself. You got me.
You son of a bitch. You said it with such confidence.
I almost believed it. There you go. Easy. Yeah,
but just don't give a jagged edge for Mr. Norman.
He needs his lips. Play some jagged edge, dude.
Fuck this. No, no, no. Shut the fuck up. I'm
proud to be an American. I am. Honestly, I am.
Here we go. Here we go. We're still number one.
We're number one. Well, listen. We're number
one in comedy. I'm gluten intolerant. By a long
stretch. Suck it, England. All you UK bitches,
sit down. Finish it. Mark. Do it. Mark spews
it out. They got to do a slow -mo. Mark fucking
spews every direction. We have something else
for those two. The hole is so big. It's a big
hole. If we go down, boys, we're going to go
down having a good ass time. Everybody dies.
But not everybody lives. We're going to get in
that bunker. We're going to have new suits. I've
thought about the bunker. I thought about sitting
there. LaMare lives with me. I thought about
being like. Bunk it up. Him being like, can I
go? Maybe I'll. I don't know, dude. You'd be
like, Lemaire, this place is yours now. Lemaire,
you're a real meaty man. Would he fall apart
in the bunker? Would he eat all the crackers?
He would eat a lot of them. He'd be Hurley. He'd
be Hurley sneaking off for food. We're going
to need things like crackers. You're going to
need sustaining food. You need stuff that lasts
on a shelf forever. That can just keep you alive.
Tuna? And you need iodine tablets. You need a
lot of iodine tablets. See, this is why we need
you. I don't know about iodine. You need tablets
so you can drop in regular water so you can drink
it. It's going to taste like shit, but you're
going to have to drink it just to stay alive.
You might have to drink your own piss. And we
need to kill ourselves. No. That's cyanide. We
need to start eating assholes. Too late. I'm
on it. When we catch a shitty person, we got
to eat them. Yeah, that's the way to go. You
ever eaten people? Not yet. What? I wanted to
eat a coyote once. These coyotes were killing
my chicken, and I had this idea. I set up a bird's
nest on one of my balconies. No, I wouldn't.
Work will set you free. This was my plan. These
coyotes ate a bunch of my chickens, man. So I
tied one of the dead chickens to a vase, like
a big ceramic vase, and I put it 30 yards off
of this ledge. And I sat on the ledge with my
bow. And the coyote was coming, and my daughter
was five at the time, starts yelling, Coyote!
It's a coyote! I'm like, ooh. I had this motherfucker.
I had him. He was coming in. He was sneaking
around. He smelled the chicken. Oh, yeah. I was
going to eat him. I was going to cut his back
straps off. And I was going to barbecue it. I
was going to grill it. And then after I grilled
it, I was going to take a shit in a hefty bag.
I had a plan. What? And I was going to throw
the hefty bag over the fence. Like, there's your
friend, bitch. Whoa. I had a plan. Now, you got
to skin that thing. I was going to skin it. I
was going to cut off his back strap. Is that
normal food? You can eat it. It's not good. Stop
doing what you're doing. You just have to make
sure that you really cook the shit out of it
to get all the parasites and trichinosis out
of it. What the fuck are you pissing in? What?
Are you pissing? What are you doing? Why don't
you just go to the bathroom, bro? I did that
already. But just go back again. Go to the bathroom
again. You know who's got to touch these? J -Mo
has to touch that. Yeah, he doesn't like that.
He doesn't like it. No one likes that. What are
you peeing in? Why would anyone like that? What
is it? What is the object that you're peeing
in? He's pissing into a can. I'm trying to fucking
help Shane with his... Oh, come on, Ari. That's
so gross. That's so gross. Sorry. Don't do that
anymore. Just go outside and piss outside. You
can go to the bathroom. That shit sucks. That
sucks what you just did. Ari was mad that we
didn't have a bathroom right outside the door.
Why don't you have a bathroom right outside the
door? That'd be nice. I love the walk out to
the bathroom. It's not that bad of a walk, Ari.
The sun's out. You see those guys. You go, holy
shit. Oh, yeah. Isn't it really important that
you have to dig into the concrete and lay new
pipes so you don't have to walk 10 steps? How
much do you piss on your hands? Dirty bastard.
Ari's pissed in my podcast studio more than any
human being. Really? Probably by a mile. No one
else has. Probably zero is the second. Number
two is zero. He pissed in a jug. He pissed in
here. Has anybody else pissed in a jug? Yeah,
so many times. No, no one else. Oh, I pissed
in the pitcher once. You pissed in a pitcher.
That's right, you did. You pissed in that water
pitcher that we currently use. We had to wash
it out. Oh, no. We should eventually wash this
out. You used that again? Cheers. All right.
I just pissed. I just pissed. Damn, I didn't
even know Jamie hated you. Until that. Is that
true? You hate me? Yeah. Who cleaned up my puke?
I'm proud to be an American. I think we actually
made you clean it up. The puke? Yeah. No way.
You remember when you slept on the floor, and
I went out there and played pool for three hours,
and then finally you woke up? I came out. I came
out. I fell asleep during a podcast, and then
I woke up, and Joe's playing with three of the
top five pool players in the world. I'm like,
hey, buddy. Passing out during a podcast is crazy.
Yeah, we had pool players over here. We were
having fun. Ari came out stumbling. How you doing,
man? I'm going to go home. Well, I'm proud to
be an American. And did a show later. Awesome
photos. Yeah, we really fucked with your head.
Sleeping in the closet behind the stage is wild.
I got a good hour of sleep in there. Sometimes
it's got to go. It's got to go down. It's got
to happen the way it happens. Yeah. Sometimes
you've got to lay down where you are. I tried
to stand up. I couldn't do it. All right, this
is it. That's it. He's in a fucking cubby hole
behind the comedy club. Just boxes and ladders.
Bro, that's like a migrant. There's so much storage
equipment. I swear to God that club's alive.
It's a fun time. Dude, I looked in the cubby.
It's like clean as a whistle. I think the club's
alive. When I first walked into that building,
I was like, whoa. What a vibe. It's been around
for so long. When you have a building that's
been around for almost 100 years, it's got a
feeling inside of it. The first place I went
to, the cult house that I almost built the club
at. That place was dope. Did you ever see the
cult place? Nah. I still think about buying it.
Is that the one that sunk in the sewage? No,
no, I'll tell you the whole story off air. There's
an issue. There's a couple of issues, but not
issues that couldn't be fixed. I thought about
doing like if we get crazy big, like if we keep
growing to have like, you know how like Mitzi
had the Westwood Comedy Store? Not far away.
Not far away. I thought about doing that. I thought
about doing. I like that idea. Another one. Because
you can only really have one A -level headliner
in town on the weekend. That's a great idea.
So if Fahim's here, then Mark can't be here.
You know another thing I thought about? Yeah.
Buying a theater. I've talked to you. Don't say
the name, but I thought about buying a theater
in town and having like big name headliners in
every weekend. That's a great theater. Yeah.
And also the idea is like you're always going
to be able to have like top level comics come
in and do theaters. So you have them come and
do theaters. You have them available for pop
-ins any night of the week. Come on by. We're
all friends. And then you don't have to take
that fucking terrible Live Nation deal where
they fucking rob the shit out of you. I don't
care. I'm not in it for the money. I agree. I'm
in it for funsies. No, I'm saying it would be
nice as a comic not to have to say that we get
the first 85%. But I do stuff with Live Nation,
too. What's going on with them right now? I'm
in it for funsies. That's what I'm in it for.
There's not enough time in the world for me to
pay attention to all the business bullshit. I
feel bad about the scalping. Okay, well, I don't
do that. Here's one thing that I don't do. I
don't do that thing where they scalp on purpose.
Like Bruce Springsteen, a lot of these fucking...
You think you would never do it? You talk to
me about that, and then I talk to you about that.
Whatever that program is where the artist gets
to – I don't do that. They raise the price? I'm
not doing that. No, if somebody scalps, there's
an option for the artist to – the artist. Jesus,
I'm kidding. You know what I mean. That's how
they talk. That's why I'm talking that way. To
do what? You can make the money. So let's say
– so I put my tickets on sale for like $40. Yeah.
Somebody scalps it and sells it for $300. Yep.
I get $300. How do you get it? Isn't that exactly
what the program is? No, the program is different.
The program is you have a platinum thing where
the really nice tickets go for crazy money because
everybody knows Taylor Swift is the bomb diggity,
so they want to pay for it. Whatever the band
is. If the scalpers are selling this for $1 ,000,
we'll sell it for... I'm not interested. If someone
scalps, they scalp. That's just how the world
works. But no, you have that thing where you
have to show your ID of the person who bought
it. That's the club. That cuts down hell. At
the beginning of the club, it was a real issue.
So what we came up with at the club, so at the
club, if you wanted to buy 100 tickets to my
club, if you just were a wild dude, wanted to
buy 100 tickets and sell them for $1 ,000 each,
meanwhile, you could just do that. And if you
didn't have to show your ID and who you are.
you would be able to resell those tickets. Some
guy comes from Scotland. I want to see his show.
It's sold out. Fuck, I flew all the way over
here. How much? A thousand bucks. Okay, I'll
go online, I'll do whatever, I'll find some website,
I'll buy the tickets. We have it so that if you
buy, if Ari Shaffir buys two tickets, you have
to show your license, you're you, I look at your
face, facial recognition, I know who you are,
and then you get to buy two tickets, and those
are only your tickets. You can't resell them.
You can't resell them to Bob for 500 bucks. You
can't do any of that. But the idea is like, stop
thinking about money so much. Money is only fun
coupons. But you're a zillionaire. No, no, no.
But this is why. You're thinking about the money
of the customer. That's what I'm thinking. Exactly.
But that's also, I'm not thinking about making
more money. No, sure. We're talking about them
getting screwed. I made the club specifically
to break even. My thought is, I just don't want
to lose any money. I want to make it the... Best
environment for comedy and not lose money, and
that's my goal. I want to pay people well, have
a good time. That's my goal. Yeah, but one of
the ways you did that was to stop that scalping.
Yes. Well, that's for the audience. So you're
paying a fair price. So the audience doesn't
have to feel like shit. I know it's hard to get
tickets, but at least you're not going to get
fucked. Right. It'll be harder to get tickets
if you're coming from Japan. Yeah, it's harder.
I'm sorry. Yeah, but everyone buying a ticket
is intending to come. That's a human being that
buys two tickets. You're on a date. You got your
tickets. That's it. It's popular. That's it.
And yeah, there's only 250 seats. Okay. That's
just what it is. But at least no one's getting
fucked. Right. The people that are there, everybody
there is going to have a fair, great time. Great
wait staff. Great, nice people managing. Everybody's
fun. That's what I mean, but if you go see a
music show with someone you like, and you're
like, okay, these are two $40 tickets. You get
one and one for your friend. And then it's like,
you owe us $130. And you're like... Wait, what
do you mean? Oh, fees? With all the five -inch
ticket mastership. That's an issue. It's quite
annoying. Yeah, but it's also... You avoid that.
The scalping. You'd think they would do something
about the scalping. For all those percentages.
But also, as someone with money, someone's coming
to town, and I find out Roger Waters is in town,
and I don't have his number, and I can get tickets
for like 500 bucks online. Like, oh, shit. Let
me buy them. Yeah, but I feel bad if somebody
comes to my show, and I set my tickets as low
as possible, because it's like, dude, you're
seeing me in a theater. You know, it's not a
comedy club. It's like, make it 40 bucks. You
just have to make it so that the people have
to show their ID to get the tickets. That's the
way to do it. They're never going to do that.
Why wouldn't Ticketmaster... It's hard to do
in a... Get it done. Because they have a vested
interest in making the most money possible. They're
a publicly traded company. They also did a thing
where they sold off like 10 % of their tickets
to another ticketing company they own so that
they could sell it for twice as much. Yeah. And
AEG or whatever, the Dorphin one, caught them.
Listen, man. Coke doesn't snort itself. Yeah.
Okay? Whores don't get paid with hugs. We got
to go. That's how I try to pay. I can use a hug.
I try to. That's how I pay. We all can use a
hug. You ever had a hug when you haven't had
a hug in forever? Oh, it's nice. When I first
moved to LA, when I was working on a TV show,
I had no friends. And I would just go to the
comedy store and go to work. And this lady that
I work with at the sitcom that I was doing, she
gave me a hug. And it was like I needed it. You
got wood? No, I didn't get wood. I got like,
oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nice hug.
Like, hi, how are you? She gave me a hug. I was
like, oh, thank you. Did your dad hug? I felt
so much better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My family's
loving it. Theo used to be a hugger. They're
very loving. Professional hugger. My parents
are very loving and huggy. Really? Yeah, I think
that's, when people don't do that with their
kids, like, God damn, I'm trying to toughen my
kid up. Hug life. Yeah, that's not the way. Theo
used to give hugs for, like, that was part of
a program. Really? He would hug people, yeah.
I'm not making it up. That's weird. He was like
a cuddler and a hugger. Whoa. How old were these
people? Some pretty old. He did do that old lady
thing. Some pretty old, yeah. We used to call
him Punch R .O. Punch. Really? Old ladies is
nice. He was like a cuddler. When an old lady
hasn't gotten a hug in a while and you give her
one and she's like, hmm. Yeah, it was a program
to help people who needed contact. My dad would
do the shoulder tap. That was my dad's hug. You
didn't get a hug? No. That's what happened. They're
there now. Yeah. That's what happened. Mom hugged,
but dad would be like, no. My family's Italian.
They're all huggers. Oh, yeah. Everybody's hugging.
My dad's autistic. Hugging's important. It is.
Touch is important. You gotta do it. People that
are weird with touch, it's like such a strange
thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gerard and that guy
who died in that accident, Josh Ademeyer's friend,
they brought hugging back into LA comedy scene.
Really? Yeah. What do you mean they brought it
back? We always hugged. Is that how we died?
No, it was like they started hugging all the
time. Hugging who? You and I hugged each other.
We were there first, bitch. I think we started
hugging afterwards. Shut the fuck up. Then we
just threw a firm handshake. We hugged from the
get -go. There's a video of it. Shut your mouth.
But they did it too, which is great. We just
greet everybody with hugs. We didn't know later.
Freddie Soto started brother. Sorry, brother.
Yeah, brother. Hey, brother. Freddie Soto had
a logic behind it. He's like, I remember we were
talking. You and I were talking about it. And
Freddie was like, I call people brother because
it's the best thing you can say to somebody.
You're not just my friend, you're my brother.
My brother sucks. Sorry, I'm sorry about that.
I don't have any brothers. Oh, really? No. But
yeah, he'd be like, you're my brother in comedy
or whatever. He'd just call people brothers.
He's like, it makes people feel better. He was
like, it makes people feel better. And I was
like, that's a great philosophy. That is nice.
And I just adopted it. I call everybody brother.
Yeah. I like that. It's a nice feeling. Ian Edwards
brought the, when he's fam. I know it's popular,
but he was like, fam. I'm like, what is that,
fam? Oh, I like that. Ian always calls me fam.
I am fam. He's a black guy. He just found one
black guy. I know. It's cool to have one black
friend. He's a vegan, too. It's very cool. Is
he? Poor Ian. He's always tired. Who's Ian? Ian
Edwards. Hilarious. Hilarious comic. Always tired.
I had a series of photographs that I would get
with him. Whenever we'd do it on the road together,
I'd catch Ian sleeping on a plane. I'd be like,
ah, I'm fucking vegans. And then one time he
caught me, and it was hilarious. I was out there,
and he had this giant smile on his face, and
he's filming me sleeping. Like, you motherfucker.
I got you once. I got you once in the Twitter
days. It was right when we were taking off. Oh,
that's it. Oh, man, Biden. With two glasses on.
Look at how he's smiling. Look at how he's smiling.
That's a beauty. Mouth agape. Damn. With the
window shade open. That's hard. You got sunbeams
in your eyes. I didn't give a fuck. I'm always
tired. I took a picture of you sleeping and tweeted,
like, do what you will with this. Mouth open
like that. And you landed to a thousand cocks.
A thousand cocks. Just giant cocks. The Hulk's
dick. All kinds of dicks. I do love a good plane
nap. Oh, my God. There's something about planes.
I can fall asleep immediately as soon as it's
on takeoff. I'm like, I know I got nothing to
do. I'm not in control. Go to sleep. My mouth
has never been more open than sleeping, sitting
upright on a plane. Imagine being the guy on
9 -11 like, oh, finally I'm out. Wake up to screaming
terrorists like, wait, what? Jesus Christ, bro.
Jesus Christ. The guy's sleeping in the car.
Hey, his mic went out, Jamie. Oh, yeah, I thought
it was me. My mic kicked something down there.
Yeah, come over. Ah, we're back. You're back?
We're back. What happened? Yeah, we're good.
I think I touched something. Oh, is that what
it is? The bottom thing? Okay. That was my fault.
But the guy's sleeping in the car, and then the
four guys go, one, two, ah! He thinks he's getting
to a wreck. Have you ever seen them drag a fucking
inflatable bed out into a river? It's pretty
fun. It's pretty fun. Oh, great. Somebody's sleeping
and not waking up. It's like, you're in a lake
now and you wake up. Bro, that's so dangerous.
That's great. That's so dangerous. What if someone
doesn't know how to swim? Gator. It's really
far from the shore and you can't figure out how
to get back up on the raft because you're slop.
You're not getting back up on that. You're a
sloppy, out of shape bitch. Yeah. Fucking dangerous,
man. I'll do it to someone who knows how to swim.
Yeah, but if someone doesn't know how to pull
themselves back on the raft, they're fucked.
Nice. Just get rid of them. Just float away.
That's like Moses. And I splash. They're in the
water and they're gripping the side. And they're
panicking. It would take like five minutes to
figure out how you got there. And you're like,
wait, no, I was somewhere else. And I'm wet.
You ever do the air mattress life? What is that?
Like have one? Oh, yeah. And live on it? How
to futon. Oh, futon's rough. You hate your life
when you have a futon. You want to get out of
bed. You don't deserve a bed, you fucking poor
bitch. Get out there and get something done.
When I slept on a futon, I got so much done.
Because I was like, I'm never sleeping in bed.
The sun comes up, like, thank God, let's go.
Yeah, I was like, let's get out of this fucking
shitty bed. And then you had to turn into a couch
because it was a living room. Doubled up. Yeah.
Doubled up. Yeah. We ever fuck a lady on an air
mattress? Yep. First of all, when you walk in
with them, they're like, oh, man. It's going
to be one of those nights. One of those nights.
She's just sad. She's made poor choices. It's
like, you're willing to fuck me on this mattress?
Fuck, you suck. Or let me fuck you. We had bed
bugs. We had bed bugs. So we had an air mattress
in the living room. Do you know how they find
bed bugs on beds? Beagles? No. For real? Beagles?
Yeah, they bring in a beagle and you go, what
the fuck? Really? The beagle house? There's no
way this works. They use an iron. So they take
an iron and they roll it over the mattress and
the heat makes the bed bugs rise to the surface.
Oh, God. And they just start popping out. So
disgusting. Fucking nasty. Beagles can be trained
to sniff out bed bugs. How the fuck did you know
that? Because I had bed bugs and a guy brought
a beagle in and I was like, well, we're fucked.
Why beagles? Beagles are particularly good at
distinguishing scents. They're good at smelling
drugs. They're the drug dogs of the airports.
Oh, yeah. Damn. Well, usually they look for bombs.
Ah. Which makes you let go. Yeah. I had a beagle
sit in front of me in Australia once when I landed.
What? It looked and stared at me. You had a beagle
sit in front of you? When I landed. That's an
ugly lady. It just sat down and just stared at
me. And I was like, oh, cute beagle. And then
the fucking border patrol was like, what do you
got in the bag? And I was like, fuck. Piss? No,
I had drugs. Jars of piss? Which kind of drugs?
I had weed, I think. Did you get in trouble?
No, because they said, do you have any fruit?
And I was like, oh, yes, I do. And they're like,
must be that. Go along. Oh, nice. I was like
halfway in jail. Yeah, they're so serious. Well,
they don't give a fuck about weed, especially
looking at a guy like you. You're not some international
drug dealer. Yeah. Bringing in tons of molly.
But if you have like a car tire filled with coke,
you know, they take that and they'll like take
a car tire and they'll take it off of the wheel
and then they'll stuff coke in there and they'll
put a little bit of air and then drive that bitch
in. And then the fucking Belgian Malinois will
get right up to the tires. Getting foiled by
a dog. Carl does not like my dog bark. Carl's
Jr. Watch this. I'll do a real one. Oh, shit.
It worked. Look at him. He's ready to go to war.
That's a good looking bitch. Fuck you, motherfucker.
That was perfect. Fuck you, bitch. Look at his
face. So cute. Oh, he woke up. He looks intense,
so he's going to fuck me up. What are you going
to do, Carl? Carl has no idea how big he is.
He'll do nothing. Who would chase that guy? He's
never been harmed, so he has no idea that he
can be. Right. So he runs at you and bites your
fingers with impunity. You want a piece of this?
Yeah. Come on, bitch. He doesn't know he weighs
three pounds. Yeah, the size of my ankle. What
does Carl weigh? Twelve. He's twelve. 12. J .D.
is a proud 12. He's 12. And he's over there barking.
That's where my dick weighs. America. That's
yours, Ari. He just did one. What do you mean,
bud? I'll do another one for the troops. You
gotta remember, we got a show tonight. For the
troops? Who has? What do you got, a mouse in
your pocket? Who the fuck's we? Come on. Are
you pussies gonna back out? Nah, I can do it.
Let's have some fun. What else are we doing?
We're going to have some fun. Let's try a different
song. We might have to get a bite first. What's
another good American song? Food would be good
today. Food would be nice. How about Buck Cherry
Cocaine? Proud to be an American. Oh, that's
that one. Ball to Ball would be nice. Ball to
Ball. Oh, I know the drop. It says long drop,
though. Yeah. How about Buck Cherry Lit Up? I
got one. Hold on. Three Six Mafia Sipping on
Some Scissor. What is this one? Let's Ball to
Ball. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a good one.
It just takes a while. This is a good one. Yeah,
we can talk over it. Especially since this is
the guy that killed Bud Light. This was college.
Bud Light's back. Bud Light's back. They're friends
now. He almost killed Bud Light, though. He put
him in a chokehold, let him out. He shot it pretty
hard. Oh, he killed that company. Someone's flying
a motorcycle over him. What year was this? 99.
Probably 90. What? No. Pre -911. Did you see
Kid Rock's Rolling Stone thing? No. The thing
in the middle figure spaceship? Kid Rock's Rolling
Stone thing? Uh -uh. He did a... He did a Rolling
Stone interview, and he started saying the worst
shit ever, dropping N -bombs. And he said, please,
print the worst article you can about me. It'll
be good for me. It's only going to help me. Smart
move. Complete disdain for Rolling Stone. Just
complete disdain. Did you ever see the video
of him driving a middle finger rocket ship up
to the moon? Bro, when you got a guy like that
that has that much money. He's a wild boy. He's
a wild boy. He can sell out. He FaceTimes, and
he'll be like. Yo, there's a fucking monkey at
my house. It'll be him holding a monkey. No way.
God damn. Then he FaceTimed me a week later.
He was like, there's a fucking deer here. What
the fuck? And next to him, there was a deer in
his yard that they were just, it was a baby deer.
He was just holding. And then it was in front
of his orange. Tesla. He got a Tesla truck, orange.
He got the fucking General Lee Tesla truck. What?
And he's holding a deer. He's like, this is fucking
crazy. It was just me and my dad in my car. I
was like, this is my dad. He was like, hey, man.
My dad was like, hello? I was like, dad, this
is Kid Rock. He's got a deer in front of a Confederate
flag. Wow. I don't think he has the flag on it.
He's got the flag in the back. It does? It's
on the back. Wow. It's a Cybertruck? It's a Cybertruck
Confederate flag. Wow. You gotta respect that
commitment. There's no denying it. There she
goes. I don't see the flag. The flag is on the
back window. Actually, it might be open. It might
be on the trunk. Oh, so when you pull the trunk
lid down, it shows the flag, so he can choose
to... Yeah. Because he's got to stand and do
it. Or he's not standing in it. That's your attractable
flag. How many people got mad that he's got the
generally colors on an electric car? By the way,
that's a fucking American car, if you really
think about it. They're fast as shit. All Teslas
are fast as shit. The cheapest Tesla will blow
most muscle cars out of the fucking water. Those
guys are crazy. You can kind of see it on the
truck there, on the back of the truck, on the
bed. You know, they can't play that show on whatever
network that owns it. They can't play that show
anymore because of the Confederate flag on the
roof. Wow. Really? Yeah, you never see Dukes
of Hazzard reruns. No, you don't. You would.
You would. They don't play it because of the
Confederate flag. Whoa! Tony Hitchcock. Tony
Hitchcock flashback. Because that's on the roof.
Isn't that wild? It's crazy. It's wild. Meanwhile,
they'll show fucking Amistad or Roots all day.
What about Hogan's Heroes? Can you still show
Hogan's Heroes? What was bad about that? They
had a fucking show, a comedy about a concentration
camp. No, it was an internment camp. They were
bumbling. They were idiots. The Nazis were kind
of friends with the captives. They all interacted
and kind of were like, oh, Marty. Oh, man. That's
crazy. Colonel Clink. He was an idiot. Don Barris,
we used to always fuck around about Jew stuff
at the end of the night, and he'd be like, I
saw a documentary about the Holocaust. It didn't
seem that tough. I'm like, what was it called?
He goes, Hogan's Heroes. Yeah, that show was
a fucking sitcom when I was a kid. Yeah, it was
normal. And it was only a few years after the
war, if you really think about it. It was a way
of, like, let's take it lightly. What year was
Hogan's Heroes? I want to say it was the 70s,
right? So, like, that would literally be, like,
a jokey joke show about the invasion of Iraq.
Now, yeah, about right. Desert Storm. People
needed to laugh. Or worse, like, yeah. First
time we said it, 65. So, wow. 40 years later.
Whoa. 20 years later. 25. 20 years later. Whoa.
And that dude went crazy. The dude who is the...
Bleed went crazy. It was that movie about he
did a lot of pornos. Autofocus. Yes. What was
it? Autofocus, yeah. What was his name? Combs.
No. Not Ray Combs? No, no. That's Family Feud.
Family Feud, yeah. I thought he did that and
then went on. No, no, no. He was in Family Feud,
but that was the other guy that was in Family
Feud. It wasn't Ray Combs. Greg Kinnear did a
movie. Yes. I know this guy. Jamie will find
it. It's a normal name. Very standard name. So
this dude, when he was off of Hogan Heroes, he
would... Bob Crane. He would just like find girls
and film videos. And him and his partner would
make porn together. And they got addicted to
making porn with like random ladies. And then
his partner killed him. Why? I don't know. He
murdered him. What? Yeah, yeah, I was part of
the movie. The guy he did it with, the guy he
did the movies with. Yeah, Willem Dafoe's guy.
Hobgoblin. That's his greatest role. He was Hobgoblin.
The Green Goblin. Green Goblin, yeah. Great.
Who's Hobgoblin? By the way, huge hog on Dafoe.
Really? Yeah, they have to edit out his bulge.
Oh, my God. He's got such a hog. Wow. Pull it
up. So back then, in 65, he's like the first
TV star. Yeah. So this guy was probably on a
fucking rampage. Oh, yeah. They cleaned up. And
his buddy was like, let's do some fun stuff.
And then his buddy wound up killing him. Yeah.
Rogan's heroes. That's us. Rogan's heroes. Look
at that. Look at that fucking show. A show about.
You guys have any fat Nazis? Bro. They had to
make him fat. They had to make him fat to make
him like, okay. They're not that great. A comedy
about Nazis. Well, the producer is Springtime
for Hitler. That was pretty close. He got a lot
of shit because he's a Jew. Oh, right, right,
right. Mel Brooks. That's right. Springtime for
Hitler. The Jews really went after him. What
about that fucking one Jerry Lewis movie that
they can't? They never released it. No, no. There
was a movie about it. It was a clown at a concentration
camp. A crying clown, something like that. And
then they ended up doing that movie. It was a
sad day for a clown. No, he made the movie, but
it's in the archives. The day the clown died.
It's supposed to be the worst fucking movie ever
shot. 1972, never released due to myriad issues
with the production, never been made available
in any form leading to project to reach mythical
status in the global film community. That's what
I like, Mark. It's supposed to be so offensive.
Jerry Lewis is a clown irritating Holocaust kids
that are on their way to the gas chamber. He's
making them laugh. Hilarious. Wasn't there a
similar movie about that that won some award
where the guy's like, I'm going to be the happy
guy? Yes, like an Italian guy. Life is beautiful.
Life is beautiful. Roberto Benigni. That shit
ruled. What was Patch Adams? That was a clown.
Robin Williams. Cancer kids, I think so. Hilarious.
He stole that. Didn't even have cancer. Those
were actors. Yes. And now they're all fucked
up. If you can have AI actors now, you don't
have to have kids doing it anymore, so the kids
won't get fucked up. That's coming. Should they
make kid sex robots just to appease the pedos?
Good idea. So they don't go out on the streets.
Good idea. You should make sex kid robots that
explode once your dick's inside of you. Weed
them out? Yeah, just nails. Every fourth one.
There's a chance you might get by. Everyone is
filled with plutonium. Even if they don't explode,
you get dick cancer. Take that, Jared Fogle.
What does it say? It's possession of the Library
of Congress. Los Angeles Times reported that
Lewis had donated a copy of the film to the Library
of Congress under the stipulation that it would
not be screened before June 2024. That's it!
That's now. That's right now. We've got to go
see it. We've got to go see it. Can we go see
it? Field trip. Let's go. Let's do it. Has anybody
seen it? Can you go see it? Let's find out if
it's legal to go watch it. Can we go watch it?
Can we go to the Library of Congress? What would
we have to do to go to the Library of Congress?
I've been in there. You can just walk in any
government building. That's what I heard. That's
true. Start shooting. You and your boys can just
go in, and they might execute a lady, and no
one will care, but whatever. I'd like to see
it. The Library of Congress is open. It's an
actual library. How many people have been arrested
for just being there on January 6th? I think
a lot. Are they still in jail? I saw a Biden
speech where he was bragging. He was like, we
gave these guys 800 years in solitary confinement.
800 years. Watch the footage revealed from Jerry
Lewis' lost Holocaust film. Condensed version
of the 1972's Holocaust movie recently appeared
on Vimeo. Oh, you can watch it on Vimeo? Damn.
Is it still on there? It's not going to be good.
Wait, why is it bad? Is it because it's too sad?
Did you not see the fucking Nutty Professor?
He was brilliant. Eddie Murphy? Son of a bitch.
Scrap plans for releasing the film after being
embarrassed by how it turned out. It's still
better than unfrosted. 2025. We have to wait
until 2025. What? Yeah. I can't wait. Oh, Harry
Shearer said the movie. Harry Shearer said the
movie was so drastically wrong. Where did it
say? Yeah, he told Spy Magazine the movie was
so drastically wrong, calling its pathos so wildly
misplaced that you could not, in your fantasy
of what it might be like, improve on what it
really is. Wow. There was a show in England that
got cut about a guy coming home, a Nazi, and
his family. Pull that up, J -Mo. Which was a
show? It was a sitcom. Like, honey, I'm home,
but he was a Nazi. Oh, yeah. Yes. And it was
just his regular stuff that he had to deal with
his life life. His naggy wife. And he was like,
just got back from the genocide. It's called
home improvement. What's the deal with concentration?
You're not studying. No one in there is concentrating
on anything but survival. They don't have any
food. You need food to be able to concentrate.
Ovens doesn't sound so bad. Easy bake. I lost
my Yamaha in the dryer. Where is it? Didn't he
have like a... Click into the wall. One yarmulke.
I saw a hair on the shower. Oh, yeah. That was
like one of my favorite... That was a good bit.
Seinfeld bits, but it's funny if you include
a concentration camp. Yes, yes, for sure. Anyway.
That's terrible. Hold on. Wait, wait. There was
a sitcom, though. It was like Honey, I'm Home,
Nazi version. Honey, we shrunk all six million
kids. Honey, we killed everybody. Honey, we shrunk
six million kids. What the fuck, dude? They did
that with, there was a movie that just came out,
Zone of Interest, that was kind of like that.
Heil Honey, I'm Home. Oh, my God. A British sitcom
written by Jeff Atkinson, produced in 1990, was
canceled after one episode. It centers on Adolf
Hitler and Eva Braun, who live next door to a
Jewish couple. Oh, my God. 1990. Oh, my God.
Show me a clip. It's probably funny as fuck.
This is the fucking show. This is so ridiculous.
Canceled after one episode, but they put it out.
It went all the way to air. Think about how many
fringe comedians say god -awful things on Twitter
just to get attention, right? Now think, if you
gave this person a budget... Oh, sorry, Ari.
I forgot you were here. What did I do now? This
is crazy. Oh, tonight you will make a schnitzel.
What a joke! You must be real mad at me, honey.
I'm a very, very bad Hitler. Don't touch me.
I thought it was the UK. Those are very American
accents. Yeah, but it's the UK. They're pretending
to be German. They're pretending to be German,
so they went American. How weird, man. Well,
they probably didn't know what a sitcom was.
They just copied us. Yeah, exactly. They don't
know how to do it. Take your uniform off, bro.
You're home. Yeah, what are you doing, bro? Putting
on sweats. Just off work. 1990. Jesus Christ.
It was 1990. Wow. That's so nuts. That's so nuts.
Damn, it got through. I would love to see someone
in that meeting. I like how they made it 1938
before things went totally sideways. Sounds like
a fucking Nick Mullen pitch. Shut up, Earl. We're
doing it. I can't believe they did that. They
made it in 1938. That's when it was supposed
to be. He lived next to a British couple, and
they were like, we got to get rid of this couple.
It's like if you do a show about the Jackson
5, do it while he's young. Do it before things
go weird. Joe Jackson was a mean man. Allegedly.
Wow. That's the story? Yeah. Yeah. I bet most
kids don't want to work that out. He whooped
their ass into being the fucking best ever. The
best ever. King of pop. King of pop. The creepy
story. King of the popping boy pussy. What his
doctor said. Popping that boy hymen. His doctor
said that he was chemically castrated to keep
his voice. Is that right? Which makes sense.
If you look at him. Chemically. Yeah. His body
looks so different than all his brothers. He
looks like a eunuch. Like he has no muscle at
all. Nothing. So he probably had no testosterone.
So his voice never reached male puberty voice.
But his dick still worked. I don't know. Well,
according to some of those kids. Who knows who's
telling the truth? Because he was banging Brooke
Shields and Lisa Presley. He was with them. Oh,
the old with them. But look at his kids. His
kids are clearly not his kids. Really? Yeah,
they're white kids. No, they look like a white
kid because he was black, dude. Oh, that's right.
His DNA was black. He was black. Listen to fucking
Norman. He dolezaled. Norman's like the worst
detective ever. Oh, he was black. Good point.
Good point. He was a Negro. Sir, he was black.
Chill, chill, chill, chill. I think Joe Rogan
is a killer, but it wasn't there. Okay. Not his
fucking kids, man. Those are not his kids. Well,
they are his kids. And we're back. But not biologically.
Really? Yeah, but Michael Jackson was so fucking
good that even though there's all those allegations,
people still listen to that music. They're like,
shut up, shut up, shut up. He was so fucking
good that Beat It, Tony Hinchcliffe used to have
a joke about it. He was like, when Beat It comes
on, you don't give a fuck about those kids. Dude,
I don't even think about them. That was about
his dad. Everyone had that joke. Beat it. Yeah,
everybody had that joke. But Tony's was a really
good one. It is a thing where you're... If someone's
that talented, you let them slide. He had one
too? Chappelle had, he was like, he made Thriller.
It was on Chappelle's show. Oh. He was on the
stand and he was like, he made Thriller. Right.
You got diddled by the best pedophile of all
time. And then he got pissed. And then he was
defending R. Kelly and they pissed on him. It
was good. Right. And then there was also, there
was probably some shit going on with him where
people were blackmailing him. Like, it might
not have... If he really didn't have a working
unit, like, if he really was chemically castrated,
like his doctor said, that doctor that went to
jail. Really? The one who went to jail for giving
him profanol. So he would... Would have killed
him. Yeah. He would literally get anesthetized
because he couldn't sleep. He was so crazy that
he just couldn't sleep. And so the doctor would,
like, anesthetize him every night, and eventually
he died. So when that doctor got out of jail,
he gave an interview. He was talking about what
happened to him, and he said that he was chemically
castrated when he was young. Damn. That's why
he looks so different. He's so thin. Like, no
muscle at all. And you look at his brothers.
His brothers look like men. Yeah. Like all the
other brothers. But he was the young kid with
this fucking golden voice. And there's a long
history of people doing that. Those castratos
from the opera days where they'd cut kids' nuts
off and have them sing at a high pitch forever.
You never heard castratos? Uh -uh. There's, like,
one video or one recording that's available from,
like, the early 1900s of a castrato. It's haunting.
Pull it up. It's a guy with no nuts. They took
his nuts when he was a young boy. Damn. That
allergy. Dark. All right. Dark, dark shit, man.
Well, hey, if it keeps you in working. What is
this? I see what you've got there. You're trying
to learn how to use it. It's a shotgun thing.
Why don't I just push it against it? Drink it
like a real American. What the hell is that?
Oh, a shotgun button. Yeah, there you go. Whoa,
that's a great invention. So you just punch it
through. That didn't go through on Shark Tank.
There you go. Fucking jizz on me. Oh, not much
better. Much better. Well made. And you suck
through the fucking dick. Oh, that's so much
better. Suck it, Ari. That's like having an America
Freedom bong in your pocket. I can't believe
I caught that. That was a great throw, too. Perfect
throw. Damn. Is that another one? Why do you
keep doing that with your throat? It's so cold.
Yeah. It's a cold beer. That's why I do it. Yeah,
but that's not going to help. Shut up, dude.
No, you shut up. Stop chugging a beer and going,
oh. Oh, me throat. Oh, fuck. It's so uncomfortable.
If I squeeze my throat, it makes me feel better.
Ow, I hurt my elbow. Owie, my funny bone. These
are great. These are great. The crack in. It's
a great idea. Nice plug. The ultimate shocker.
You think you get this into a stadium? Oh, yeah,
you definitely could. You put your keys on it.
Oh, you can give this to a lady for self -defense.
They'd hold onto it like this. Like that fucking...
Yeah, like the keys? The combat class I told
you about? Yeah. Look at that. Don't. Don't you.
Stop. Looks like Ari's nose. How dare you. Thinner,
but the right shape. Son of a bitch. That's quite
a honker. You son of a bitch. You got a nice
honk, dude. Leave his honker alone. You could
snort some blow with that puppy, huh? I support
your honk. Is blow still a major thing amongst
comedians? Sometimes. It is often. Is it out
here with comedians? Sometimes if shit's going
well. If shit's going well. It's not like there's
not as many fiends, but if it's going around,
people are like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, it's going
around. Such a dumb one. Oh, squirter. That is
great. What the fuck happened? You know they
have legal weed? They have like that Delta -
Delta 9. Delta 9. Lame. Yeah, but it's not bad.
You ever try it? It's not bad. It helps you sleep.
Delta 9 is the real weed, by the way. It's pretty
weedy. What do you mean it's the real weed? 9
is the normal weed. 8 is the stuff that's a little
- Delta 8? Yeah. Oh. Is it suspect? I've had
the legal stuff that you could buy here, and
it's weed. It's okay. Yeah, but weed is also
- Mike, what are you trying to do? Are you trying
to get obliterated or do you just want to get
a little creative? If you just want to get a
little creative and get a little silly, it's
perfect. It works. Like a weed. They don't give
you 32 % weed. It's 17 % weed. What are you trying
to do? What are percentages? I'm a United man.
I'm saying you don't need to get obliterated.
You can just have regular weed that's not crazy
hard. But isn't it weird? My point was, what
if someone comes out with a Delta 8 Coke? Oh.
That's a great idea. If you could do that. That's
called Adderall. Different forms of THC are in
cannabis plants. The most abundant form is Delta
-9. When people refer to the effects of THC,
they usually talk about Delta -9. Other forms
of THC, such as Delta -8 and Delta -10, have
similar chemical structures to Delta -9, but
their effects are usually different. Interesting.
Some of that stuff's pretty good, and you can
just buy it in a store, and it's totally legal.
What a weird loophole. I've had a lot of it.
In New York, you can buy shrooms at the bodega.
Really? They're doing that now? Yeah, it's wide
open, baby. Is that legal in the state now? No.
No? No, but it's like nobody's bothering us.
Well, listen, that's the beginning and eventually
it's going to get to the point where people realize
that it should be legal. You shouldn't have adults
telling you what the fuck you can do. Yeah, but
didn't Portland open up all the drugs and look
at them now? Well, they had problems before that.
You can't blame it on that. You gotta tilt it
down. Tilt down. I'm talking to Rich Voss. Oh,
you're right. I did do it upside down. And all
my heroes in the methadone clinics. So he was
in, Kid Rock was in my green room and that exact
line came up. I was talking about a family member's
drug addiction. And I was talking about methadone.
And he was like, he was fucked up and he was
like, I have a lyric about that. And I was like,
what do you mean? He was like, he didn't think
about it. And he was like, oh, my hero's in the
methadone. I was like, you mean ball with the
ball? I know, bro. I know that's the one you
have. He probably still sings that all the time,
right? That's the cool thing about being a rock
star. They want to hear those old jams. It's
like the machine with Bert. Yeah, they want to
hear those old stories. That must be nice. You're
a banger from fucking 30 years ago. That was
Dice, too. What Dice had over all comics was
everybody knew the lines, and they wanted to
repeat them. What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! They
had the whole crowd be like, yeah! It was like
a song. We did a Rock on the Range or whatever.
It was some rock fest. Dice was the comic there.
I had to open for him. And he did that at the
end. What's his face? Lincoln Parker. One of
these bands brought him up. And the whole arena
knew it. It was incredible. Oh, what? Yeah, because
it was just the right age where they knew the
whole thing. And they all sang it together. It
was beautiful. I love what Dice is doing now.
It's so crazy. His fucking videos. They're incredible.
Can I get a picture with you? And nobody knows
who he is, and he doesn't care. He doesn't have
an issue with people not knowing who he is. Big
shot with the two dogs. What? The two dogs. Big
shot. Sir, I don't know. No, no, the two dogs.
Big shot. He did it to me. I never met him. I
was like, hey, I'm just letting you know I'm
your opener. How much time do you want me to
do? He goes, you want a photo? Like, no, no,
I'm just saying I'm your opener. He's like, come
on, let's get a photo. And I'm like, I'm good.
I'm good on the photo. He was always down for
the goof. Yeah, he's always down with goofing
on people. I could see that you're fans and I
get it if you wanted the picture. You know what
I mean? Some people are shy about stopping me.
Some of them get shy. Huge fan, man. Thanks.
Brad Garrett, killing me. Does Brad Garrett still
do stand -up at his club? I think so, yeah. I
have no idea. He's got that nice club in Vegas.
I hear it's a beauty. It's a great club. Stocked
with candy. Don Marrera used to work that club
all the time. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he said it was
like the best club in Vegas. Does Kimmel's got
a club there? Wise Guys has a club there? Is
Kimmel's still open? Wise Guys has two clubs
there now. I heard Vegas has a little bit of
a scene. Vegas has got a comedy scene now. Two
clubs in Vegas? Tripoli lives there now? No.
How does that work? That was his scene that he
came up with. Oh, right, right, right. And Stanhope,
too. Stan Hope, really? Yeah. He had a club?
No, he started in Vegas. Pretty sure. What's
his name from Wyoming? Was there for a long time?
I heard a great Stan Hope story. I don't know
if I'm allowed to say it. Don't say it then.
Okay. Give it a chance. Tell us later. It's pretty
funny, but it's like, I think it's pretty tame.
Give it a chance. I'll give it a chance. We can
cut it out. J -Mo, make a time note. Okay. Carl
will be ready with a butt, with a dump. When
Zany's opened in... Nashville? Yes. He went,
and no one knew who he was. He walked like half
the room. People were like, this is horrible,
you're weird, you're anti -Bible, whatever. And
the bartender there was some lady, and it was
her first night at a comedy club bartending.
And she went up to him after, and she was like,
you're disgusting. That was abhorrent. That was
inappropriate. That was crazy. She didn't know
comedy. So then, whatever, cut to 30 years later,
he comes back to Zany's, kills, has one of these
magical sets, annihilates. Great night. He gets
off stage, and she was like, she now had been
seasoned with comedy. She's heard all these people
over the years. And she's like, that was great.
They go out. He ends up. fucking her back at
his or her apartment and he's over the balcony
fucking her, fucking her. She's like, you don't
remember me? You don't remember me? He's like,
no, I don't remember you. Whatever. And they're
fucking, they're fucking and now he's got her
over the balcony fucking her doggy style and
he goes, you're disgusting. Oh, is that true?
I mean, I don't know. It's a story I heard. It's
a fun story. How's he gonna know? Cut that out.
No, I don't, I think that's alright. That's alright.
Is that alright? It's probably not true. I feel
like we should check. I don't think Stan Hope
would be upset. All right. Call him. Try to call
him. Call him. If we know Doug Stan Hope, I'm
sure he doesn't care. He'd be like, whatever.
I have fucked. It's fine. Let's find out. Let's
find out what's going on here. But what a great
30 -year callback. You want to FaceTime Kid Rock?
I bet he says something retarded. Call him up.
Let's get Kid Rock on our pod. First guest. Ask
him if the story's real. Joe. Who rules more
than Stan Hope? He's the best. He might not have
woken up yet. He's shaking a drink. He can't
answer. Okay, that's one number. Let me try the
other. No, I've been out there. He wakes up early.
Oh, really? I couldn't believe it. He might already
be passed out. Let's see if this one works. I
got a couple numbers. He also doesn't drink like
that. Come on. No, it's when he goes after it,
then he goes after it. It's a marathon. No, not
happening. He might call back, so keep an eye
on that puppy. That's funny, though. I heard
another one where his... Douglas, we're on the
air. Text me or call me when you get this. Period.
I'm with Shane, Mark Norman. And Ari Shaffir.
I think Sam Talent lived there for a minute.
He was with me. Oh, with you, okay. He was there
for like a week, yeah. No, no, you're talking
about Bisbee. Yeah. Oh, Bisbee, yeah. Yeah, he
came down. Me and Sam had one of the hardest
I've ever laughed in my life. It's not even funny.
We were just on mushrooms. But Stan Hope, so
it's just us, and Stan Hope has the fun house,
his bar, so we're just drinking every night.
And then me and Sam took mushrooms. And the whole
time, every time you talk to Stan Hope, he's
such like an old road dog that will be like,
do you know Billy Cummings? He just always says
a name that you've never heard of. Anyway, we're
up on the roof. Me and Sam are up on the roof
of the Funhouse on mushrooms, dying laughing
about a scenario where his dog Henry eats his
cat Meatwig. When the cat gets eaten, Stanhope,
just imagining what Stanhope would do if his
dog ate his cat and be like, Meatwig, no! It's
so funny. The dog ate the cat? No, it's just
a made -up, we're on mushrooms, so we think it's
the funniest thing of all time. Of him just going,
Meatwig, no! But also, Stanhope can be mean drunk.
Really? Oh, yeah. Scary. We'll be sitting there
drinking, then out of nowhere he'll be like,
you're fat. That's uncalled for. We'll have a
nice night smoking cigarettes, drinking vodka,
then out of nowhere Stan Hope will just turn
to you and be like, you fucking suck at comedy.
We're on mushrooms. We go downstairs. And he's
also, I mean, we're dying at the concept of two
fucking ogres. Me and Sam on your roof. Huge,
man. Tackling about you. Let us into your home.
Yeah. Let's think about mushrooms. There's so
many layers. I'm trying to explain this. You're
laughing about three laps. Right, right. I get
it. But meat wig, no. But then we go downstairs.
He's drunk. We're high on mushrooms. And the
first thing he does, he turns to us. He takes
a drag of a cigarette. And he's like. Do you
boys remember Bentley Dustin? Some fucking random
fucking bullshit comic. And we start howling,
laughing at his face. He's instantly just like,
you two fat fucking losers. And it's just making
us laugh more. Yeah, Stanhope can turn nasty
when he's drunk, which is so funny. Because he's
in a fucking clown. Yeah, yeah. You know what
I mean? He filmed a special at my club, but I
don't think he released it. What? What? Put it
out. Yeah, I don't know what's going on with
it. Fitzsimmons did. It's the devil after crowd.
Fitzsimmons has one coming out. Brian Simpson,
he filmed it. He filmed it on Netflix. But no,
Stan helped film something. I don't know what
he did with it. Was it killer? I wasn't there.
I was out of town when he was doing it, unfortunately.
Stanhope's like, unless I film with one camera
by an audience member in the crowd, it's not
cool enough. He filmed when I was on the road.
I was somewhere. Or I wasn't home. It might have
been a UFC weekend or something like that, and
he filmed. I heard it was great, though. Damn.
I think he might have filmed during the day.
No refunds. Of course. Day drunk things. I think
that's it. I think he did one of those day drinking
things where he filmed at noon. There's a poster
in your club. Day drunk. Yeah. Stanhope. That
must have been it. That's it. Framed. I saw him
once at King King. Burt's done those, too. Yeah,
I did the last one with him. You did, too. You
came up there. That was the first time I ever
featured, ever. What is it like doing a show
at Newark? A long time ago. The first time I
ever featured was opening for Burt on a day drinking
show. No way. Really? It was a Colin Sick to
Work show. When was this? What year? Helium Philly,
2016. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Wow.
Damn. And then I emailed him, and I was like,
we should work together. That's hilarious. The
first time you featured was 2016, and eight years
later, you're the biggest comic in the world.
I knew it. I thought I had something. That's
pretty incredible. You did guest sets on my show,
and I was like, who's this guy? Where's he coming
from? What are you doing? 30 minutes later, he's
like, who are you, though? Yeah, right. Well,
I was doing it. I did a decade of truck stops
in the middle of the year. Right, right, right.
See? Good for you. Seasoned. Seasoned. Bad rooms.
I win. I think that's the thing with everything.
You've got to have a full array of experiences
in order to reach your potential. I think that's
the thing with everything. The only one you couldn't
conquer. I think that's with everything. Every
fighting movie, you see some guy in some fucking
seedy bar that has a boxing ring, and he steps
through the ropes, and next thing you know, he's
fighting for the title. It's like with everything.
Batman had a fight in that hole. There you go.
You gotta know all the... fucking aspect. You
can't be some guy who's gone from like a YouTube
star to being now you're doing clubs and you're
selling out everywhere but you've never done
a fucking bachelor party. Elton John was talking
about all these boy bands and he goes they've
never had a bottle thrown at them. So they don't
know how to like get a crowd. And Simmons and
I since like we literally started out together
so many times him and I would just been fucking
laughing hysterically at hell gigs that we had
to do together. I did a show for Rogan at Chickapee?
Yes! I know Chickapee Mass. Yeah, awful. They're
bagging up their fucking Chinese wiener. Some
guy comes on stage while I'm on, and he goes,
I want a selfie. And before, there were cell
phones. And I'm like, what? He takes a camera,
puts his shoulder over me, takes it, and I'm
like, looking for a door guard that doesn't exist.
And I'm like, you gotta roll with it. You're
in the middle of nowhere. But you're right, it's
like, what's his name? Dempsey? Yeah, Jack Dempsey.
He was out doing bar fights back in the day,
and they were like, you're pretty good at this.
Make money. Yeah, we're all heavyweight champs.
Remember Kimbo Slice? He used to fight in the
backyard. Fight cops. Fight cops. Take your badge
off. Let's go. Next thing you know, he's on fucking
CBS. Oh, Stanhope. Hey! Ask him about the story.
Douglas, me boy! Hello, I was just wrapping up
some dude's podcast. Wait, we were just talking
about you, because we're doing Protect Our Parks
right now, and Norman just told some story about
you being very rude to some lady. I'm not here.
And he's not exactly sure if it's a true story.
About someone saying that you were disgusting
and then many years later you went back and...
Nashville. Nashville, zanies. You fucked her
over a balcony? No, that was Chicago zanies.
Chicago zanies. Okay, fast. Tell me what happened.
It's actually in a book. She was a waitress.
During the Chicago Comedy Festival, late 90s.
And she had watched my set. And then afterwards,
all the staff is closing out. All the comics
are going, hey, what bar do we go to? And go
around the corner. So I'm sitting next to her.
And it ends up me and her, the last people there.
And I said, are you going to this bar? And she
goes. I just want you to know I saw your set
tonight, and I think you're absolutely disgusting.
So I get booked back there, and she's working
there. I'm doing a regular week by myself. How
many years later? Within the year. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah, it goes from a festival
to an actual headlining week. And so I said to
her, All right, listen. Yeah, I said that. You
said that. Well, we're going to work the whole
week together, so how about we have a truce?
And she said, yeah, fine by me. And then cut
to after, you know, the bar closed at the bar
after the bar back at my hotel. I'm fucking her
in the ass. Did you say in the ass? Yes. The
weird part was I was in a hotel that had windows
that opened. That's how long ago it was. I had
her bent over with her head out the window and
I came in her ass and I leaned into her ear and
I said, I just want you to know for the record,
I find you absolutely disgusting. The best part
is when I wrote that story in my first book and
then we did the book, the audible podcast style.
So we come out of the book and I had her on as
a live guest. So I read that part to her and
then we cut to her, her side of the story. And
she goes, first of all, you didn't come in my
ass. You came on my back. This gal sounds awesome.
That's a win. That's a win for her. What's the
second of all? Absolutely. Second of all, go
Bears. Oh, my God. What'd you say? What are you
protecting the parks from? Oh, no, it's just
a podcast we do all the time. We didn't have
a name for it, but Ari was trying to protect
a park, so we started calling it Protect Our
Parks. But it didn't work. He didn't protect
the park. They cut all the trees down. We failed.
Could you ask him if Meatwig's still alive? Is
Meatwig still alive? Meatwig is still alive,
but it's not an outdoor cat anymore. It lives
over at the Quiet House. convalescing in his
old, old, old years. Shane was telling some story
about him and Sam. They were blasted on mushrooms
and they, they had this idea that your dog ate
your cat and you were trying to like, tell the
dog. No, they thought it was hilarious. Douglas.
I love you. I love you. Go back to it. Okay.
Bye. I'll talk to you soon. Come to Austin. Come
to Austin. I am. When are you coming? As soon
as I buy the ticket. Okay. Come. Come. I want
you here in July. Can you come in July? Diaz
is coming. I want you to come the week Diaz is
coming. We'll hook it up. We'll do shows together.
Let's have fun. All right. All right. Bye. Yay.
Bye. Sweet boy. I love when you try to convince
someone or something. Like, yeah, okay. Yeah.
Doug's the best. I have a list of reasons why
you're like, no, I'm already in. Yeah. Doug's
the best. That was awesome. He's the best. I
was a little off with the story. 30 years versus
one year is a big gap. Also, I was sad at a lady
who was in her 50s getting fucked in the ass.
I was like, don't do that. That part of me made
me sad. Nashville and Chicago, a meaningless
detail. It's a mistake. This is how the Bible
was written. Chad Daniels told me this story.
Chad's on the podcast too because of Ari. Dude,
Chad's killer. Yeah, because they reached out.
I was like, okay, let's go. It's about time.
It's so funny. Joe reached out like, hey, is
this person funny? And sometimes you don't know
them. You're like, I have no idea. Other times
you hate them and you're just like, I don't really
know them. And then other times you'll be like,
that guy fucking rules. He's the best. He's the
real deal. That's what he said about Chad. So
I was like, let's go. We just did Fully Loaded
together. He's ripping every night. Oh, nice,
nice, nice, nice. Yeah, he's on the train. Tony's
out there with Bert right now doing Fully Loaded.
Oh, there you go. He's like, what am I doing
with my life? How did I agree to this? It's fun,
but you do activities. You got to do activities.
You don't have to. You do cold plunges and shit.
You don't have to. You can say you've witnessed
me say no. Shane is always the best. I got to
do it. Hey, Shane, welcome to society. You're
awake. What do you want to do? Get the fucking
camera out of my face. Okay, we're moving on.
Why would we ever film ourselves? What kind of
activities do they try to get you to do? Bert's
like, we're doing unicycles today. You're like,
ah, fuck. It's like we're playing frisbee golf.
Is everything documented? Yeah. There's always
a camera. Burt is still making up for not being
part of Tourgasm, and he's just trying to recreate
it. No, Burt is making up for the fact that he
wasted so much time on that stupid Travel Channel
show. No tickets sold from that. Zero. I called
Burt up once. I was in the main room of the comedy
store. I called Burt up, and I was waiting to
go on stage. I was like, what's Burt up to? And
I call, and he's like, I'm on a video. I'm in
Vietnam. I'm on a motorcycle. I'm drunk. I'm
having the best time. I go, Bert, listen to me.
You've got to get off that show. I go, that show's
a velvet prison. It's a velvet prison. Velvet
prison. You've got to remember what a velvet
prison is. It's a nice thing. It's like what
writers get. They get a velvet prison. So you're
writing on a show, and then when the show has
a fucking actor's writer's guild strike, you're
fucked for like six months. You have no money
coming in. And then you try doing stand -up again.
I'm like, you've got to be the master of your
own domain. You can't do this. You're a great
guy. You're hilarious. You're great on podcasts.
You should do your own podcast. And you should
make money off of that and doing stand -up. If
you don't know who Bert Kreischer is, he's one
of those two fat guys driving a unicycle. He's
the pregnant man emoji on your iPhone. And the
tour is so fun. It's so fun. He's fun. The activities,
I'm always a fucking wet blanket. People hate
on Burt. I'm always like, no, fuck that. It's
so fun. People hate on Burt because I think he
overpromotes. Yeah, if Burt's activities weren't
recorded, they would be hella fun. Well, you
know, we went deep sea fishing last week. We
were in South Carolina. Remember when we worked
out with The Rock? We worked out the rock. One
of the things I said, I said, let's do no cameras.
Let's just have fun. Yeah. So we all came in.
We all worked out. Oh, deep sea fishes. There
it is. Where were you guys? South Carolina. We
caught a couple sharks. We caught a red fish.
That's nice. That's fun. This is noon, by the
way. That's a good time, though. We did that
at Norman's bachelor party. I'm always glad we
went. I got one more piss. Fishing is a good
time. We did it at Norman's bachelor party, and
that's when Bert ruled, but there was no cameras
there. It was just like, I'm making activities
for you. That was too hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry
it was too hard. The key is moderation. The key
is don't be fucking promoting every minute of
every day. It's not that fun. Yes, exactly. It's
not fun for the people. And also the people that
are paying attention. to your social media, like,
stop. Leave me alone. Stop being so goddamn needy.
Sure, but I gotta tell you, these are great gigs.
He's got the best crowds. Killer crowds. You
go get drunk, then you get back on the bus to
drive to the new gig, and it's me, Dave Attell,
Soder, Big Jay, and it's just a great crew, and
we're talking shit, and we're smoking cigars.
It's a beautiful thing. Bus life. Bus life. It's
very fun. What do you think about a mothership
comedy festival? Now you're talking. Buddy, if
there was a number above 100%, I would give it
to you. Let's do it, buddy. I've been thinking
about doing that. Where? Here. Doing it right
here. Why would I go anywhere? I'm not going
anywhere. Even if you don't buy these theaters,
you can get them involved. Yeah. There's a thousand.
Yes. The answer is yes. The whole other town.
I just want everybody here. Yeah. Yes. We're
kind of doing it every week anyway. Experimental
show. But you do other shows. You can do weird
shows. I'll do my storytelling show. 100%. You'll
do like fun, weird, interesting. Bottom of the
barrel. Brian Simpson in front of a giant crowd.
Do like never before done shows. Yeah. Kill Tony.
Riffing shows. I've been thinking about a lot
of different ways to expand. Like we're doing
so well. It's almost like we have too many people
that want to come versus tickets that are available.
Yeah. And I'm like, I want to expand. A -level
headliner room would be great. Yes. I want not
just an A -level headliner room. I want a theater.
Yeah. I think a theater is the move, and I think
once we get the theater, then we do like a second
Westwood -type comedy store. I love it. We do
Mothership West. Love it. I get on the plane.
By Esther's Follies. Check in like three minutes
before my flight. I get frazzled, get on the
plane. Norman's there. I'm like, oh, you're here.
I didn't know you were on the flight. We're great.
We're talking about it. We used to come to Austin
only for opening for you or Moon Tower. Or Moon
Tower South By. And that was a fucking party.
And now it's a party every time. Anytime you
want to come. So why not come a day early? Why
not stay a day late? It's a party. You're not
here by yourself in the old Cap City where you're
like, well, I'm alone. It's time to get out of
here. Tyler Fisher just moved here, too. He's
a funny guy. We're going hard. I feel like there's
more room. I really do. I feel like there's more
room, and I want to keep this process of developing
new comics. You need another club, though. It's
too much. It's overloaded. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the idea is we're going to do other clubs.
I think we're going to keep going. I think we've
only been open a year, man. Whoa! It's crazy.
We've been open one year, and so the next stage,
I think stage two is a theater. Stage three is
a second club, like a little bit further out.
And we just keep going. Yeah, a little further,
a little away. Everybody's going to benefit.
Cap City will benefit. Everybody will benefit.
The whole idea is make this the best playground
possible for comedy. There we go. Now we're talking.
Best playground possible. You guys keep talking
about how it's the best scene. I think we've
already kind of accomplished something that I
never would have imagined we'd be able to pull
off. And I think it happened because the fucking
universe made it possible. All the things had
to take place. I had to have the Spotify money.
L .A.'s falling apart. The comedy stores closed
down. All those employees were available. Everybody
wanted to move. We started doing shows with Dave
outdoors. Then we started doing live shows indoors
at Vulcan. All the things like Ron White was
already here, so The Godfather was already here.
Ron White was here before the pandemic. We were
talking about, too, the outdoor shows. You had
to go down to zero and then up to an outdoor
show. You couldn't go down to an outdoor show.
You had to go to, like, there is no comedy. No
shows. And then accept, oh, outdoor, not bad.
Exactly. And when Dave and I was doing those
shows, it was like everybody had to be tested.
So we tested everyone. You had to get there an
hour and a half before the show. Everybody got
a test. We sent a bunch of people home that had
COVID. Aw. It's got a refund? No. Damn. I know.
I'm joking. That was at Stubbs? Mm -hmm. Yeah.
But. Once we started doing shows at the Vulcan,
I was like, oh, my God, we're never going back.
Because it was indoors. And the roar, the feeling
of all this. And the Vulcan is like all hard
surfaces. So everything's like echoing. And when
you would crush on stage, Ron White came off
stage and he grabbed my shoulders, grabbed both
of my shoulders hard. And he goes, whatever the
fuck we have to do, we're going to keep doing
this. You got to open up that club. It was like
a moment in a movie. And I was like, we're opening
up a club. 100%. It was so cool. We had already
started talking. We had already started talking
about opening. Because once I got here, I was
like, damn. The Vulcan's beautiful. It's a fucking
awesome place. But it's just not set up right.
I don't own it. I can't just let it go crazy.
I can't set up a system of open micers and showcases.
We've got to have a regular club. Shut up. You
suck. Don't do it, Ari. Go pee out there, you
fucking idiot. Listen, I'm going to tell you
this. Are you peeing now? Next time, yes. But
it's already pinched. We've got to get you a
catheter. This is out of control. I'm Jewish.
Have you pissed yet? No. You and I, the last
of the Mohicans. Yeah, you had three shots of
fucking. Tequila. Yeah. I had two espressos.
I had three. You can hold and pee to the death.
Three beers. Freak. Well, it's just my body's
trained from doing so many podcasts. I'll challenge
you. Are you over pissing? Ari. Why do you do
this? This isn't cool. There was a hole in it.
Piss on the ground? Did you get piss on the ground?
How much piss did you get on the ground? Wipe
it up. He whipped his balls out on the Lauren
Compton show. Did you really? I told him I'm
not allowed legally anymore. You gotta get a
new bit. I'm not allowed legally anymore. You
gotta get new material. Who told you you're not
allowed? The LAPD. What'd they say? They said,
you can never do that again. LAPD? Yeah, after
the forum show. Really? Los Angeles Penis Department.
How'd they phrase it? What? How'd they phrase
it? They called me. We talked to a lawyer. Pulled
up the Iron Dome. They said, you just can't ever
do that again. They talked to a lawyer? And I'm
like, what about a club and stuff? And they're
like, listen, if you ever do it again, you're
going to jail. Whoa! Yeah, Lenny Bruce. Jesus,
Ari. That could be you, dude. You're an outlaw.
Taking a stand. Taking your weird penis out in
public. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. You're
like a Judas Priest song. Judas. Breaking the
law. Breaking the law. There you go, Ari. Judas
Priest was like the thing all the troubled kids
in my neighborhood listened to. Yeah. Judas Priest.
I think I'm going to sit around with this little
boy in my brain. Is that a lyric? He was a gay.
Yeah, he was a gay. And he was a gay who tricked
everybody into dressing like a gay biker. Wow.
He literally made that whole scene where everybody
dressed like a gay biker. What was that? You
got another thing coming. Whoa. Here we go. Royalties.
While Ari pisses in a Bud Light bottle. I had
a kid that was real troubled in my high school,
and this was a song that he put on his fucking
high school yearbook. You know, he had quotes.
You got another thing coming. I'm gonna live
it up. He tricked everybody into dressing like
a gay biker. Stop looking at it. Jamie keeps
staring at it. I didn't even make sure he was
still going. I didn't know he was still going.
I'm looking at the screen like, what is he doing?
Rap existed when I was in high school. Rap existed
when I was in middle school. But it wasn't like
mainstream. Sugar Hill Gang. Yeah, that's not
rap. It existed, but we didn't know about it.
No, we knew about that show. Oh, you did? I mean,
that song, yeah. And then... Give me a... There
is a fortune waiting to be had. You think I'll
let it go. You're mad. You got another thing
coming. This is the rebel song of my high school.
He's gay. Big gay. Dude, put your fucking dick
away. Bro, he wasn't just gay. He was gay, like,
leather bicycle outfit. What the fuck is that?
Are you done? I'm done. Wipe me out. Gross cock,
dude. You've got to get rid of those piss bottles.
You can't be leaving them here for Jamie. 100%.
Did you pee on the table? You son of a bitch.
No, that's beer. You liar. That's beer. It's
all the same. How much of it is beer? Yeah, but
why? What are you doing? You're sloppy. Just
go to the bathroom. Leaky dick. We were having
a great conversation. I had to be. You didn't
have anything to add to it. I'm going to live
it up. I'll stop being mad about it. I'm sorry.
Yeah, rap. I really fell in love with rap when
I was on the road. When I started doing stand
-up, because I'd be, like, driving to gigs, listening
to, like, Cool G rap and, like, the old days,
like, 90s hip -hop, Nas. Like, that's when I
really got into rap. Hip -hop is dead. It's not.
Rock is... It's a not, dude. It's a not song.
I'm singing it. It's funny. That's why the kids
listen to Judas Priest that were losers. We had,
like, Marilyn Manson. If a kid was listening
to that, you'd be like, what the fuck? Devil
worshipper. Marilyn motherfucking Hanson. We
had a jelly roll popped onto the fully loaded,
and that was fun. He's an animal. That fucking
dude is so fun. He's such a good dude. He's always
at the store, or the mothership. Oh, really?
Basically, he's at the store. Wow. It's a new
version of the store. There's a reason. Front
windshield is bigger than the back windshield.
Look forward, not backwards. Theo Vaughn's version
of him is hilarious. Really? Theo does an impression
of Jelly Roll. You ever see him? No. Jelly Roll's
inspirational speeches. Find that. He doesn't
just win an award. He's got to be like, everyone
needs to get better. He's like, Theo Vaughn.
He was doing it in the green room the other day.
We were on the floor. We were crying. Theo Vaughn,
he's got compilations on YouTube. He's so quick.
He's so funny, man. He's so funny. He's coming
here in July. He's going to be here in July,
and he's going to look for houses. Here we go.
Right now, there's somebody stuck under a bridge.
There's somebody out there who's got a size 11
foot and a size 8 tennis shoe. And I just want
to say, you can live your dream. I want to tell
you that the wind sound is bigger than the wind
you hear in Burley. Full preacher. He's so full
of feelings, bro. He gets up there and he's just
like, I want to tell you. That's it. Beautiful.
More than just feelings. Full of donuts. Yeah,
it's a lot going on. There's a lot of things
happening there. Great guy. He's been to prison.
Really? Yeah, the real deal. Yeah, I think that's
why he's so nice. Yes. Very nice guy. I think
he's so nice. He's so full of love. I think it's
because he's experienced so many fucking shit
moments in his life, and now he's realizing.
You're done, right? Yeah, I'm done. All right.
Please. Yeah, he's a good dude. He looks like
if Ralphie May had like a... Post Malone filter.
Well, I hope we don't lose him. Post Baloney.
Post Baloney. Post Baloney. Being that big is
dangerous. Yeah. You know, whenever we lose people
that are so awesome like Patrice or Ralphie or
this, fuck, man. That's controllable. Yeah. Those
super fat guys, it's like the Indus. It's coming,
man. It's coming. Scary stuff. But some of those
guys, you know, Joey lost a lot of weight. Joey
was big at one point in time. Oh, yeah. But you
know what's crazy? That coincided with Joey becoming
amazing. Joey was built like a football player.
When I first met Joey, he was built like a thug.
Fat became, you mean associated with him becoming
amazing? No, he became fat, and then he became
insanely funny. It all happened at the same time.
Like, Joey, when I first met him, was, like,
fresh out of prison, and I was on news radio,
and he was at the store, and I met him, and I,
like, bring him to the news radio, and he'd be,
like, fucking... He would go into, like, there
was the green room that was only for the executives,
and Joey would go in there and eat all the shrimp.
He was just fucking good. And he'd be like, who
is this guy? Because he just... He's not... He
was a fucking house, man. He was a big dude.
Like, big, but big, like, thick, strong. And...
You know, he was this guy that, like, I knew
guys like him from New York. Are you pissing
again? No. What are you doing? Shitting. I'm
making sure everything's safe on the floor. Oh,
okay. But he was like, when I was in L .A., I
was like, God, I was so used to East Coast people
that West Coast, like, actor people, it was like
they were. poison ivy i was like i was so confused
coming from the comedy scene of new york coming
from danger fields and working with otto and
george and rich voss and all these animals and
then all of a sudden i'm in la with these fucking
weirdos it's odd the weirdest thing about la
comics was like none of them knew sports at all
well it's like aliens they were just like tending
i don't know sports but you had some sports you
like They were like, I don't do that. Dude, I
literally don't even know the rules. Yeah, but
you know UFC. Yeah, but the one thing. But back
then, that didn't even exist. Back then, when
I first came to LA, there was no UFC. At least
you went to a pool. Boxing. Something. Yeah,
I was into combat sports. I was into kickboxing.
I could tell you obscure Muay Thai guys, but
I didn't know anything about sports, and people
would always give me shit about it. It was like,
who won the Super Bowl? I'm like, when is that?
What is that? It's over. That's why we're asking.
Like, oh. That must have been weird in Boston
growing up, not knowing the Bruins, the Celtics,
the Pates. I don't give a fuck. I didn't give
a fuck. Really? Damn. I actually didn't give
a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to.
No, I didn't care. Even chicks care. I didn't
care. I mean, the WNBA? Yeah, but I was just
like, no. I'd be so sick of Joey at the WNBA.
That'd be my thing. Angel Reese. Yeah. Isn't
it funny that beef is the only thing that's bringing
all the attention to the WNBA? It's a lot of
lesbians. A lot of lesbians getting mad. They
like that roast beef. Yeah. Let it be lesbos.
Let it be lesbos. Let it be who they are. They
want to fight. They want to be lesbians. She's
getting pushed around. Boys, it's time to get
some food and do some fucking jokes. Yeah. Let's
get about this bitch. It's a little early. Is
that 516? Yeah. It shows at what, 8? Want to
keep going? We could bong one more. No, it shows
at 7. We could bong one more. Oh, it shows at
7. We should bong one more. I like these things.
Tilt. You've got to tilt it down. Tilt the world.
I agree. All right, tilt it. How many piss cans
you got over there? I'm going to take care of
them. But five. You know what we haven't played
in a long time, boys? What? Free Bird. Oh, shit.
If we're going to go America. Yeah, just start
it now. We're going to go full Bud Light, full
America, full Kid Rock. How much piss did you
leave on the floor? Dude, what the fuck? What
are you doing? You're rapping what? What? Put
that in the garbage fucking weirdo. Oh, help
me. Okay Wow Look at these guys man. They're
the Kings. Yeah, look at the Dixie behind Jesus.
Then it's another one. Norman. Bring it on, fatty.
That's how you do it. It's slightly cracked.
Oh, shit. It's okay. If there was one concert
that I could ever go see. Let's get the regular
version. Can you play it not live? What are you
doing? Oh, the regular version of it? Yeah, but
so good, though, to watch it live. But keep going.
Keep going with that, Jamie. Keep going with
that live version because I want to see people
dancing. Look at them all having a fucking time
of their lives. God damn, man. No fake tits.
Tits on YouTube. Real tits. No black people either.
Holy shit. I still maintain. This is the greatest
guitar solo in the history of the world. They're
going nuts. They got nothing else. You know,
when they opened up for the Rolling Stones, the
Rolling Stones were shitting their pants when
this was going on. Really? They were like, God
damn. And they weren't supposed to go out onto
the lip. And they went out onto the lip. And
they're like, fuck it. Wait, they told them not
to? Yeah, they told them not to. They're like,
fuck you. They're like, we're performing. Look
at that skinny twink. Just ripping. And all white.
God damn, this is good. I do like the founding
fathers looking down like, we did it. Look at
the crew. And they're from Florida. That's right.
Jacksonville. Florida. Duval. Florida. Is that
where Limp Bizkit's from? Limp Bizkit? Limp Bizkit's
Jacksonville? Jacksonville Beach, yeah. Look
at these ladies. Those ladies never been to a
CrossFit class in their life. That's pre -Ozembek.
That's Denny's body by Denny's. That guy's 15.
Here it goes. How did they all stay so skinny?
Because they were doing this all night. Look
at that guy's a rail. It's like a tampon. They
weren't eat processed foods Take it to the bulge
God damn this is good What a country Let's go
Look at these motherfuckers. Open leather vest.
Yeah, leather pants. Leather pants, leather hat.
With the drawstring. The heat. Oh, man. Bass
player's ripping it. Ripping. What are these
guys doing now? Well, there's a plane crash.
Plane crash, Mark Norman. Fucking 9 -11. They
flew right into the tower. Here comes the jump.
Cocaine. Look at that fucking crowd. Imagine
having to follow this. Oakland has changed. Imagine
having to follow this. This guy brown sugar after
this. That guy is fucked up. That one guy's just
standing there like, what is happening? What
am I seeing? God, so many orders. Have you ever
seen a more enthusiastic crowd? I got one. I
got one. What? Enter Sandman Moscow. Oh. Pulling
up. 91 Moscow. JMO. Like 500 ,000 people? Bro,
it's the fall of the Soviet Union. We sent rock
and roll over there just to be like... We sent
Metallica. Yeah, wait till you see this. Oh,
my God. Did you see the white... 91, Moscow.
Oh, look at that. The lightning storm they had.
Fucking blast. Yes, shit was sick. Wow. White
piano. If there was a time, though, that I could
go back in time and see a concert, this would
be it. This might be the best concert. Dude,
there's a part in this video where a soldier
takes his... He, like, unbuttons his uniform
and he's just like... 91. This is a year after
Heil Honey, I'm Home. This is, uh... Let it play.
Is this right? This is art. Yes, this is it.
Wow, Inner Salmon, live Moscow, 1991. Just let
it play. Let it play, J -Mo. Holy shit. Pre -Putin.
Look at how many people there are. Look at the
soldiers. Soldiers everywhere. How many people
are out there? Wait for it, dude. I'm gonna drink
to this. America's number one. Oh, he's still
hot and young. Before Napster. Yeah, you should
have shut the fuck up about now relax bro, you're
a punk oh Shit, he's got the squat go. Oh my
god. Look at this crowd Look at the crowd Wow
fully loaded 2020 outdoor gig Oh my God. I'm
ready to run through a fucking wall. His hair's
shaking like a guy's dick. What happened to rock
and roll? What do we got, Coldplay? Here we go.
Pyrotechno shit. Get Joe a beer, for Christ's
sake. Woo! Look at that fucking crowd! This is
why YouTube's great. Yeah. The only concerts
that come close is like Queen, Wembley, Queen.
Wembley, Queen, obviously. Billy Joel in Russia
when they're trying to tell him, like, stop people
from dancing. And he goes, shut the fuck up!
Stop! Billy Joel? Yeah, and he's like throwing
his piano over. Stop bothering him. In Russia.
Yeah, he won't do that now. Brittany Griner taught
a lot of people a lesson about fucking around
in Russia. He goes, stop! Stop shining a light
on him! She did her time. Like a man. Yeah, Wembley,
Queen. That's the biggest one. You know what
the sickest one is? It's Axl Rose. I've been
watching those. I get mad. I saw Axl Rose in
Greece. I saw him in Athens. Yeah, I saw Guns
N' Roses in Athens. Sick. I was there in a restaurant
and I ran into Axl Rose. He was at a restaurant.
Yeah. Damn. Just randomly. I was eating dinner.
Axl Rose eating? Yeah. And a friend of mine,
my friend Brian, Brian Murarescu, he saw him
and he was like, Axl Rose is here. I tried to
say hi to him. He's like, they should. And I'm
like, damn, I wonder if Axl knows. who I am like
should I go say hi and I had to walk by his table
and I was a little drunk and I walked by his
table and I was like hey man what's up and he
had this look on his face and he was like oh
hey what's up and I was like fuck he knows my
name and so then we started talking he's like
telling me bits that I did he knew yeah he watched
some of my Netflix specials so he's like you
wanna come to the show I was like fuck yeah I
wanna come to the show and so the next night
we saw Axl Rose and fucking Slash and Guns N'
Roses We were backstage. Where? In Athens, in
Greece. What year? Last year. You saw him at
a restaurant. I saw him at a restaurant. Random.
Welcome to the restaurant. Random. We got to
have some drinks. We got to have some drinks.
Just fucking fully random ran into him at a restaurant.
You can order anything you want. I was there
my whole family. I took my whole family to see
Guns N' Roses. We had a great time, man. Did
the daughters get it? Oh, they love it. My youngest
is a fan of Guns N' Roses. So funny, all the
hardcore rock becomes kids' music 20 years later.
Isn't that weird? When I was in high school,
everybody was into the Doors. I was in high school
in the 80s, and the Doors were in the 60s. That's
how it works. You find the cool shit. What was
the cool shit back then? Everybody was into Zeppelin,
the Doors, ACDC, 60s music. And cars. Nobody
gave a fuck about... When I was in high school,
nobody gave a fuck about a 1984 car. They wanted
60s cars. That's true. You see a kid now, a Gen
Z, he's got a Nirvana shirt on. 100%. Yeah. They
don't know what it means. No. Dude, I remember
the first time I heard Nirvana. There was a kid
that lived in my neighborhood that used to steal
car radios. And I was buying a car radio from
him. Nice. It was back when they had those Blanc
Punk stereos that would, like, pull out. Oh,
yeah. Yeah, I remember those stolen. Really?
So I bought a stolen one, and I installed it
myself. Oh, you did the wires? That's how we
got connected. And so I had my stereo for four
years. I was over this dude's house with my friend
Jimmy, and he's like, you've got to listen to
this, man. Listen to this shit. This is the new
shit. It was Nirvana. And we were in his house.
We were like, whoa. Damn. It was a different
sound. It was grunge. What is this? And it killed
hair bands. Killed them. Like poison. And then
Cordy Love killed him. It poisoned. Poison, poison.
Allegedly, she did that. Say allegedly. Allegedly.
Allegedly. It's really important. You ever see
that documentary? Yeah, yeah. She allegedly definitely
did it. She killed him. Allegedly. What is this?
What is this? Libra Redding. Libra Redding was
great. 1992. Yeah. One of the most epic concerts
of all time, apparently. Really? You guys are
fucking me in the ass. Pull it up. I remember
the first time I heard that, I was like, holy
shit. Yeah, like, what the fuck? They were so
different. They were so cool. It was the real
deal. He fucked a retard in high school. Yeah,
they made that documentary on HBO about it. He
goes, no, but she was cool, though. That's unfortunate.
I fucked a retard. No documentary about me. Oh,
Mark. It was his last night. It will be after
this. It was a different sound. Yeah, it was
a totally different sound. No, no, no, no. I
love this. Do we do this all the time? Great
head. She had a big head. Great head. Oh, Jesus.
There's times in history where new sounds emerge.
And usually it's because of drugs. Or somebody
went back to the future. Ooh. This is the sound.
Like Hendrix. When I work with Phil Hartman,
Phil Hartman was a... Cleaning pools? No. He
used to work at Whiskey of Go -Go when he was
like 18 years old. What? Get out of here. Phil
was in charge of making sure that the speakers
didn't fall off the stage. What? So Hendrix,
Whiskey had a little stage. And Hendrix was on
stage, and Phil's job when he was 18 years old
was to stand there and keep his hands up in case
someone went crazy and kicked the speaker and
didn't fall into the crowd. What? So Phil's job
was to stand on the edge of the stage, like right
there, and he said, and fucking Hendrix was right
above me. So this is like 1969. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.
And he was like mesmerized. And I remember he
was smoking pot. This was back when I didn't
even smoke weed. He was smoking pot in the green
room, or in his dressing room, rather, at News
Radio. Wow. And he would tell me these stories.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He smoked? Oh, yeah, he loved
to smoke weed. Wow. He would smoke weed and go
to strip clubs. Wow. What? Phil asked Hartman?
Yeah, Phil Hartman took me to a strip club, and
he smoked weed, and he would treat the ladies
as if they were displaying amazing works of art.
Like, incredible. Amazing. This is amazing. I
think that would fuck me up. He was so happy.
If a dude next to me, I don't like when a dude
next to me is horny. I don't like when a dude
is next to me at all. It was so innocent. I know,
but I'm saying if a dude was like, wow. If you
knew that guy, if you knew him, it wouldn't bug
you. That's worse than being horny. If you knew
him, it wouldn't bug you. But he told me the
story about him. He's 18 years old, and he's
working at the Whiskey. Hendrix was on stage
in front of him. He's like, I was watching Hendrix
from like four feet away. Damn. Yeah. And just
standing. And this is like Hendrix when he emerged.
Like all of a sudden there's like this. You think
like Nirvana was a new sound? We went from Buddy
Holly. Love, love me do. Like all that shit.
That's Beatles. To Voodoo Child. Like whatever.
You know, Peggy Sue. I hear you. Peggy Sue. Are
you a fucking YouTube comment? You knew I knew
Peggy Sue. My Peggy Sue. You went from that to
Voodoo Child. Yeah. And it was bizarre. Bizarre.
It's a big jump. Take rock and roll, add drugs,
move. But people that were like rock stars would
go to see him. Eric Clapton went to see him and
was like, what am I doing? Right. What the fuck
am I doing? Look at this guy. It's like a kinesin.
Yeah. Everyone's doing Cosby and then this fat.
Preacher shows up. Yeah. Kennison, a young comedian
special, it was like Bob, whatever. Saget? No,
some guy with big shoulder pads. He would put
balloons in his arm. This is a football player.
Bob Nelson. Bob Nelson. He's like, oh. And then
Saget was on there. And then Kennison was like,
hey, I'm about to change everything now with
these six minutes. Yep. And just be real. And
then Dice sold out the garden. Yep. Yep. Yeah,
those guys. Those two guys. And they hated each
other, which is crazy. Really? Yeah. That's alpha
ego shit. I know. So stupid. It happens. But
back then, everybody was so scared. It was all
dog eat dog. There could only be one. It was
all like, you have to get on the Tonight Show.
There's no internet. Yeah. And also, there was
no arena comics. They didn't exist. Steve Martin
got in there, then got out. He kind of, yeah.
Me and Nate went over to Spade's house for an
NCAA championship game. football game and we
were looking, he's got like a museum of his stuff
and it was him and Rock doing Evening at the
Improv. Wow. And Nate was like, you did improvs
back then? And he was like, dude. No one did
theaters then. That wasn't even an idea. You
would do six days in an improv instead of two.
Yeah. If you were successful. It wasn't even
a thought that you could do it. I think Dane
was the first guy that did like arenas regularly.
Really? Yeah. Well, maybe Dice. No, Dice. Dice
for sure. Dice for sure. But nobody for 25 years.
But nobody for a while. And then Dane came along
and then Dane started doing arenas. When was
Blue Collar? That changed it up too. That was
a little bit after that. And Kings of Comedy.
And Ron White just emerged from that. Yes. Like
a phoenix. When Ron White goes on stage at the
fucking Mothership in Austin, Texas, they know
he's from Texas. People go fucking crazy. But
it's also like he's not. resting on that. He's
part of the reason why I'm here, man. Really?
Yeah, because when Ron told me about, he moved
here in like 2017. Damn. And I'd call him up
and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? He's
like, well, man, I fucking love it here. I don't
have to travel. I can fucking fly. When I fly,
it's like the middle of the country. It's great.
People are nice. Food's amazing. And I was like,
shit. And I started thinking, like, maybe I can
live in Texas. I was like, no. You gotta rethink,
like, I have to be in LA. Yeah, well, I was at
back then, like the podcast was the only thing
that I'd ever done that was really like taken
off. I was like, I can't move. I have to stay
here. That's crazy. I need my guests. You were
relying on your podcast. Yeah, you need your
guests. You need your guests, but they'll come
to you. It was like weird. It was like. This
is this thing that I'm doing that all of a sudden
is popular. And I never thought it was going
to be. It's just like all of a sudden it happened.
It wasn't a plan at all. Like, Ari was there
in the beginning. We opened up a laptop with
a fucking webcam and like, get in here. Get closer
because we won't be on camera otherwise. And
the whole thing was just for fun. But it was
almost like I felt like a magnet was pulling.
600 people are watching. That's so fucking cool.
Then you got to get rid of the red band. It was
like 1 ,000 people, 2 ,000 people, and then it
was just streaming. And then I remember I was
on stage at the Chicago Theater. This was like
years later. And I still didn't understand how
many people watched because I never looked at
the numbers. I was like, I don't want to look
at the numbers. I just want to do it, do my best.
That's it. I'm on stage at the Chicago Theater,
and it's sold out. It's like 3 ,700 people. So
I was telling this story. I go, how many of you
guys listen to the podcast? And it just went,
yeah! And I'll never forget that day. I was like,
whoa. What year was that? 2011. Yeah. Somewhere
around then, I was like, oh, shit. That's wild.
I was like, this is crazy. And then I started
realizing, what am I doing? Yeah, keep going.
Keep going. Let's get a table. Don't ever ask.
Just keep going. Yeah, I didn't ask. Just keep
going. I didn't know that story. That's great.
It was a weird story. Because the whole time
when we first started doing it. We had microphones.
Yeah, we had microphones at the beginning. We
did the very beginning? We had one microphone
that would sit on the table. Oh, yeah, a ball
mic. Yeah, and then eventually we got microphones.
And then we eventually moved it into one of my
spare bedrooms. And then eventually I said, okay,
too many weird, like, people are coming to my
house. I'm like, this can't be happening anymore.
Oh, I remember that. You're like, too many porn
stars around my kids. Weirdos. Too many weirdos.
We got to do this at some kind of a place. Yeah,
you're like, wait, you're buying a separate place
to do this thing? I know. I remember people telling
me, why are you spending money on this? I'm like.
why do you care what I'm spending money on? Yeah.
What the fuck kind of question is this? Yeah.
And there was no future in it. Everybody was
like, you're wasting your time. It wasn't even
like, it's like there was no money in it. No
money. There was no money to be had. There was
not an advertiser. There wasn't a thought that
we could get one. So what was it? What kept driving
you? It was fun. It was fun. But it was also
like a magnet. I really believe there's a magnet.
I think that sometimes fate pulls you into a
certain direction. I used to think that's horseshit.
But I think there might be a little bit of something
to that now. Like, maybe you can say that after
you've done it and it's become successful. Always
fate. But I don't know, man. Well, I've gone
back because they're all still there. Listen
to the old ones. And they're old as shit. And
you get like a Bill Burr. And you guys are connecting
on another level. It's weird because it's not
about like, oh, there's a million people listening.
It just felt like a conversation. And it still
does. But that's the thing. It's like if you
can just keep that and never pay attention to
how many people are listening. But there wasn't
even an inkling of like, oh, wait, hold on. I'm
not sure if this is true about Doug Stanhope.
Let me make sure. It'd be like, I don't know.
Let's just say it. No, we would just say it.
It's us talking and talking. 12 people listening.
And again, like half the times when you're talking,
you don't even know what you're saying while
you're saying it. Like, okay, I gotta figure
this out. Like, make this sound like a real sentence.
Yeah. We had no experience. And then Ari was
always telling me how to edit it. Yeah, right.
You should make it less than an hour. Nobody
wants to watch. I was incorrect. That was a big
moment. It's got to be three minutes or less.
That was the thing back then. People didn't think
that anybody had an attention span. They're like,
this is the way it goes. And then I'm like, okay,
don't listen. I'm just so stubborn. But you're
also like, well, they can just stop in an hour.
Yeah. But I was always just so stubborn. I was
like, every time anybody's told me to do something
different than my instincts, it's always been
wrong. So I'm just going to not listen to anybody
ever. We do it before, in between shows. And
then like, hey, I got to go on. Joey and Rogan
keep going. And then I get off. Joey goes on.
Now me and Rogan are going. The Ice House. Yeah,
and Cobbs, upstairs at Cobbs. And then Rogan
would go on and me and Joey would do it for a
while. We did podcasts on a plane. How many podcasts
on a plane? We did podcasts on a plane. We swapped
casts. Yeah, we swapped casts. And we did it
with an iPhone. We did it with an iPhone. Just
recorded with the audio only. And then, god damn,
the people around us were like, lower your voices.
What are you doing? We brought the stewardess
in. The stewardess would come and talk to us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of times. One of my
biggest regrets is not asking her if she's ever
seen someone fuck in a bathroom. Wow. How rude.
I should have asked her, at least. Has anybody
joined the Mile High Club? Yeah. But we would,
like, no one knew what the fuck it was. It's
still outlaw. It's like, oh, let's just do it
here. When we said it was a podcast, they were
like. What does that mean? What is that? Nobody
knew what it was. That would piss me off. If
I was on a plane and two dudes were like... Because
we weren't like a regular conversation. Like,
hey, so what are we doing later? It was like,
so I was at Doug Stanhope's house. Why did he
do that? I thought this was a private jet. No
way. This would piss me off so much. No, no,
no. We were sitting in first class. We did one
on the way. We did one on the regular. Then we
did one on the way to Australia. It's not a private
jet. It's a bunch of people. We did one on the
way to Australia. And I opened up a box of fucking
muffins, of marijuana muffins. Allegedly. Allegedly.
opened it up and it the whole first class was
filled with the smell of weed and Joe's like
what the fuck Get that out of here! Hey, bro,
you're going to go to jail forever. How did you
do this? No repercussions. It didn't really happen.
That's why. It didn't really happen because allegedly.
One of the beautiful things about podcasts is
a lot of times we lie. There's a lot of allegedlys.
There's a lot of allegedlys involved. A lot of
theatrical. We're comedians. We're joking. It's
like literature. It's fiction. It's a lot of
fun. I got to piss. So let's end this. I beat
you on the piss. I love you guys. I love you
guys to death. Norman beat you on the piss? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. I love you guys to death. You're
the best. Protect our parks to save the world.
We love you always. God bless America. Go see
Queen live.