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"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #2169. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Improvisation Dynamics, Contemporary Satire, and Independent Media Evolution."
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan

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Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by

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night, all day. Hey! What the hell was that?

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Boys, we're up. We're up and rolling. Hey, welcome

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to morning radio. Norman's over there stoking

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it up. Let's go. There's a terror alert. What

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do you mean, really? Yeah. Yeah. Did I send it

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to you, Jamie? I didn't, right? Where? Gaza?

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Well, the subs are outside of Miami. That's real.

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But then there's another thing. Cuban subs? Russian

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subs? Is that what that is? Yes. Yeah, there's

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a Russian nuclear sub outside of Miami. What's

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troubling? Yeah, like outside of Cuba. So it's

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like 25 miles from Miami. There's a Russian sub.

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Aye, aye, aye. Yeah. CIA chief warns of possible

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terror attack. They brought the draft back, you

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heard. I'm going to send this to you, Jamie.

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What? Yeah. The fuck did I miss this? They brought

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the draft back. Draft's back, baby. Well, I think.

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Draft kings. Expansion draft? I think you always

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had to register for the draft. Backdraft? I think

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it was a thing. Just in case? Just selective

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service. Yeah, selective service. I don't really

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think much has changed. Has it? Backdraft? U

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.S. faces serious threat of terror attack. Fun.

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Great. Guys, just in time for the election. This

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season is the best. This season has me riveted.

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I don't understand. Who's writing this? How are

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they killing off good guys? Like, what is going

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on? This season of the world is amazing. The

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world. There's so many. So many. made up things

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clearly right now the holocaust the holocaust

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yeah i'm just hearing about that covid flat earth

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well there's ukraine there's gaza space apparently

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congo something's happening what's going on the

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congo oh the uyghurs no that's china oh shit

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yeah there's some there's some drawing i'm keeping

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a tally last i was so rough with the puking I'm

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keeping an eye on my drinks. That's smart. He's

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got a fucking ledger. He's got a ledger. So he

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can't be talked into more. Norman went up first

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at the mothership that night, and he was obliterated.

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You repeated jokes like three or four times,

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but the audience knew. The audience knew what

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was going on. They caught on. I was so happy

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that I was like five people after you, so I got

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to sober up. Oh, yeah. And even then, I was like,

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Jesus Christ, I am way too drunk to be on stage.

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I thought I was killing, but they were laughing.

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At me. You were doing good. No, no, no. You were

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doing great. You were doing good. No, no, no.

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But when you started set up, they were like,

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wait, is this another joke? We just heard you

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say this. But you delivered it great. You had

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a great set. It was funny. We were watching and

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laughing. We were laughing. No, no, no, no, no.

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No, no, no. We were laughing because we knew

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how hammered you were, but you were killing.

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Yeah, you were still hammered. It was not bad.

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It was a great show. We were hammered. We were

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obliterated. We were right there with you. We

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all drank too much. But what a fun show. What

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a fun day. What a fucking fun night. It was Shane

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going, I was on after Shane or whatever, and

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he goes, I found Mark. And I'm like, where? And

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he just goes to a back hallway and clicks a light

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on. And it's just, he was in the darkness. Sleeping.

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Lying in his own puke. Like Blair Witch where

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they turn the corner and he was just there. Bro,

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you were just feet away from your puke, sleeping.

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Right behind the stage. It was actually pretty

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cool. A drunken prank. They could hear you from

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the stage snoring. Oh, no. Shut up. I mean, if

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you snored, they could hear you. I heard you

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two last night. He laid in it. While I was on

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stage. Well, I heard you two fucking mumbling

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back there. Yeah. I was like, are you guys hammered?

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Oh, you guys were in the back having a conversation

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while the show was going on? Yeah, they were

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right behind the curtain. Why didn't someone

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kick them out? We were riffing on what people

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were saying as we were listening. Yeah, we had

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to prepare. You guys didn't prepare shit, dude.

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I was at that show. We sure didn't. Fake professionals.

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It was crazy. That was the worst with the store,

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with the hallway in the original room. the worst

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you would be out there and you'd be having fun

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conversation you wouldn't even realize you're

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a part of it yeah you're you're too loud and

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then you're a comic and all the comics are too

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loud and when you're on stage like you fucking

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guys are so loud right like you're doing it too

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everyone's doing it you know it's bad when the

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guy on stage like guys shut up yeah it happens

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all the time too yeah it's that transition between

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that festive back corridor Parking lot area.

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It's a hangout area. The parking lot is always

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where everybody gets out of their car. What's

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up? I was just in Cleveland talking shit, having

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fun. And then you go right into the hallway and

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you forget. I feel so bad for the door guys because

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they're like, hey, you've cleared this. And he's

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like, these are all guys I look up to. You have

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to tell them to go outside. Nobody listens. Nobody

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listens to the door guys. It takes a manager

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to go over. I know. They'll say, you guys got

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to leave, and all the regulars will go, I know,

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right? They do. Everybody should get the fuck

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out of here. Does that system work? I feel like

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there's a Marc Maron or a Kinison, and they're

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like, they were door guys. This is a legitimate

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way to get up. But I'm like, I've seen you work

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the door for six years now. Oh. Listen, it can

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work for some people. It worked for Ari. Me,

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Bobby Lee. Oh, really? Yeah, Kinison. Tony Hinchcliffe.

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Tony was a door guy. All right, I take it all

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back. Run as easy. I mean, the whole thing is

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like... Not everybody's going to do it. Everybody

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that starts out, essentially, if you're an open

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mic -er, you're probably doing comedy a couple

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years. How many of those guys from two years

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in are still in the business that you started

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with? Mostly gone. Mostly gone. So that's going

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to be the same thing with Dora. Is it wild when

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you see them? It's weird. Like an open mic guy,

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I'll go back to Philly and see a guy. I'm like,

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holy shit, dude. Yeah, and they're happier. They're

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always happier. They're always happier, but you

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feel bad for them. No, I meant the guys that

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are still doing it. You mean the guys that quit?

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The guys that quit are happier? A lot of them

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are happy. Really? Well, they're not getting

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beat up on stage every night. Yeah, bombing is

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hell. Yeah. And some of those guys, they just

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bomb forever. So if you look at a guy who's a

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door guy, it's a guy who's there in that spot.

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You know, you're just a door gal. They don't

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call them door gals, do they? They're also door

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guys. Whores. That's gross. That's rude. That's

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misgendering. Door gal. But they also call them,

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when they started doing male waitresses, they

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call them male waitresses. That's funny. They

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never had them. That's actually funny. That's

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funny, but that's okay. You can call me a male

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waitress. Male stewardess. That's a stress test,

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too, because if you get mad, someone calls you

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a male waitress, you're kind of a bitch. Like,

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who do you care what they fucking call you? I

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would be pissed if somebody called me a fucking

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male waitress. You work at the comedy store.

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You work at the comedy store. They only had females

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for the longest time. And then they were like,

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we could have a dude waiter. When did they have

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a dude waiter? I don't remember any dude waiters.

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They have them now. They do now. Yeah. But Mitzi

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was like, Holtzman said that at a funeral once.

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He was like, I don't like this. They're supposed

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to only be female, and they're supposed to fuck

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the up -and -comers. Wow. When you think about

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how many comics you started out with that are

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actually doing it today, from open mic, I think

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I know three. You remember the ones that are

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still in more than the ones that quit. What were

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they, Burr, Fitzsimmons? I didn't know Burr until

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later. Burr started like a year or two after

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me. And I knew Fitzsimmons and I started the

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same time. We started like a week apart from

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each other. Damn. The same club. And he quit.

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Nah, he's great. Yeah, Chris McGuire. But he

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doesn't really do comedy anymore, although he

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was very funny. He just mostly does like TV projects

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and shit now. He was involved in that Snoop Dogg,

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Martha Stewart show. He wrote jokes for that.

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Really? Great joke writer. Chris is a great joke

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writer. He's a funny dude. But so he's like me,

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Dane. Dane was around back then. And like who

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else? How is he at open mics? You know, honestly,

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I got to say, I saw Dane when he was past open

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mic for the first time. The first time I saw

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them, I used to do this. There's a place called

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Dick Doherty's Comedy Hut. Dick Doherty was this

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legendary biker slash comedian guy. Legendary

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Boston guy. Who raves these things? He was a

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character. He was a fun guy. But he gave me a

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lot of work. I love that guy. Because when I

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was just starting out, he would send you out

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to the middle of fucking nowhere to some weird

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bar gig. But, you know, you made money. And so

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I did the comedy hype when Dane was with Al and

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the Monkees. Easy. What is that? That was the

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show. It was... It's a comedy show? It was...

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Yeah. It's called Al and the Monkees? It's like

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a band. Bobby Kelly. He was... Bobby Kelly was

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with the Monkees? Oh, yeah. Dane Cook and Al

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DelBene. It was a sketch group? Yep. They would

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do sketches, and then they would each do like

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five minutes of comedy. Holy shit. Is that Bobby

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on the right? That's Bobby. That's hot Bobby.

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Who's on the left? Holy shit. Jesus. Yeah. So

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this was, you know, 1990. It says two. Is that

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what it says there? That's crazy. 92. So I think

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I met him in 90, 91. Oh, my God. That's BCN,

00:09:01.080 --> 00:09:04.799
WBCN Comedy Riot winners. I mean, the Comedy

00:09:04.799 --> 00:09:08.100
Riot was the big thing back in the day. The BCN

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Comedy Riot. Like, if you won the Comedy Riot,

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you were the fucking man. They thought that was

00:09:11.419 --> 00:09:13.279
their future. They took a picture for this. Oh,

00:09:13.299 --> 00:09:16.779
yeah. Who was Al? Al's, I don't even know what

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Al's doing these days. I think he lives in Australia.

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He was a stand -up. Does he? Maybe, I think,

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maybe. Al Qaeda. Al Delbeny? Yeah, he lives in

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Australia? I think he married an Australian lady

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and I think they moved. He was doing stand -up

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there. So when I met them, that's what they were

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doing. They weren't doing stand -up separately

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yet. And then they sort of gave up on that and

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started doing stand -up separately. Damn. You

00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:40.860
had to make it work back then. But that was a

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couple, yeah, now living in Sydney, Australia.

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Boom! The fact's not wrong. You nailed it. You

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were just there. So I guess he's still out there

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working. But, so I know those guys. But that's

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a couple years after Open Mic for me. It was

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like, you know, 90. I started in 88. So there

00:09:57.779 --> 00:10:00.559
was like, only like four or five guys left. Who

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do you guys still have around from Open Mic?

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Oh, yeah, thanks. Most of my friends. Sean Patton.

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But doesn't it feel like those gigs you had to

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go out and do some weird, you know, Knights of

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Columbus bullshit? Yeah, those were like the

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best. Those were the best. But people aren't

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doing those anymore. And then they just put a

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clip on TikTok. So I don't feel like they're

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learning that muscle of like, I got to win these

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mooks over. I think some people are still doing

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it. And also, is that a good muscle to have?

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I think so. To do a VFW? Yeah. Just to get them.

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To learn how to get a crowd that's not there

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for you. It's just good to know what that is.

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Yes. You know, like, it's not, this magic doesn't

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work. work in every setting. You need certain

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settings. You need a microphone. You can't have

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no microphone. You need a compliant audience.

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If you have to do a corporate gig and people

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are in the middle of talking and they go, and

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now here's a comedian. And you go on stage, you're

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going to eat dick. I just did that. Did I tell

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you that? Oh, that Texas thing. Bad? It was as

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bad. It was the worst. If you were there, I would

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have fucking. I was going to go. Rogan texted.

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I was sitting at my house and I got a text. Rogan

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was like, I'm going to that. I was like, fuck.

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Just to watch? You can't fucking go to this.

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Just to be fun. It was for Texas's. It was like

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fundraising for football. And they asked me to

00:11:13.070 --> 00:11:15.289
do it. I said no. Then they finally, they got

00:11:15.289 --> 00:11:17.250
me. They got me. I was like, fine, I'll do it.

00:11:17.250 --> 00:11:21.220
And the money's great. Free. Oh. It's not great

00:11:21.220 --> 00:11:23.500
at all. I did it for field passes. All right,

00:11:23.500 --> 00:11:26.019
all right. That's something. And also, I'm friends

00:11:26.019 --> 00:11:27.779
with those people. It was fine. But thankfully,

00:11:27.779 --> 00:11:30.620
Tony came. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I'm bringing

00:11:30.620 --> 00:11:33.639
Tony on stage because I'm going to die. Dude,

00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:35.559
I went first. It was on the field. It was in

00:11:35.559 --> 00:11:40.000
a concert stage because Brooks and Dunn was the

00:11:40.000 --> 00:11:42.679
concert after. How many people were there? I

00:11:42.679 --> 00:11:46.360
had to go first. 500? 600? But it was like a

00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:48.820
wedding. They were on the field. That's the worst.

00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:51.259
And it was just round tables. Oh, no. Dude, I

00:11:51.259 --> 00:11:54.320
went on. It was sunny out. Oh, no. It was in

00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:56.399
the football stadium. No, no, no, no, no. I was

00:11:56.399 --> 00:11:58.879
on the 50 -yard line. 600 people at a football

00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:01.899
stadium. Now I wish I got there. It was like

00:12:01.899 --> 00:12:04.019
a wedding. I got on stage. Everyone was standing.

00:12:05.139 --> 00:12:09.120
Oh, my God. I bailed. I tried to do a trumpet.

00:12:09.179 --> 00:12:11.230
I was like, this isn't working. You guys want

00:12:11.230 --> 00:12:15.110
to hear a drum impression? Did that work? I did,

00:12:15.190 --> 00:12:16.549
like, one word, and I was like, what the fuck

00:12:16.549 --> 00:12:20.850
am I doing? I'm sorry. They shouldn't have comedy.

00:12:20.970 --> 00:12:23.110
It's so bad. It's just the music and those things.

00:12:23.230 --> 00:12:26.450
In the beginning, there's a comedy. I think those

00:12:26.450 --> 00:12:28.450
gigs, they test you. Well, you don't know about

00:12:28.450 --> 00:12:29.610
check drums. How much do you really want to do

00:12:29.610 --> 00:12:33.549
this? A football field. You got Hamlin. He died

00:12:33.549 --> 00:12:36.470
out there. He died on the field. It was bad.

00:12:37.149 --> 00:12:38.970
That's rough. Those settings are always horrible.

00:12:39.009 --> 00:12:40.350
Oh, and then before we go on, I was like, I'm

00:12:40.350 --> 00:12:41.690
going to bring Tony on. And then the guy who

00:12:41.690 --> 00:12:43.870
was running it freaked out. He was like... Oh

00:12:43.870 --> 00:12:45.889
shit, he just saw the roast, so he was like,

00:12:45.970 --> 00:12:48.470
this guy can't go up there. Yeah. He's like,

00:12:48.470 --> 00:12:51.289
there's kids here. And I was like, there's fucking

00:12:51.289 --> 00:12:55.309
kids here? Jesus Christ. Did you see my act?

00:12:57.429 --> 00:12:59.210
I'm not a Christian comic. There's literally

00:12:59.210 --> 00:13:02.009
kids running around in front of the stage. People

00:13:02.009 --> 00:13:04.490
who don't understand comedy think it's like carpentry.

00:13:04.509 --> 00:13:06.730
Can you hang this shelf? Come here, tell jokes.

00:13:06.950 --> 00:13:08.909
Do a joke about this when you're up there. Do

00:13:08.909 --> 00:13:10.730
it 100 degrees in front of the richest people

00:13:10.730 --> 00:13:14.860
in Texas. picture everyone just laughing and

00:13:14.860 --> 00:13:16.519
having a good time but no you gotta listen to

00:13:16.519 --> 00:13:18.799
me do a bit about fingering yeah literally the

00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:20.860
fucking laughter gets sucked up by the grass

00:13:20.860 --> 00:13:23.980
no one left Of course. It's outside. I mean,

00:13:23.980 --> 00:13:25.419
I think I saw people laughing. I wish I was there.

00:13:25.419 --> 00:13:27.259
I saw some people laughing. I would have been

00:13:27.259 --> 00:13:30.940
howling. You would have been howling. Yeah. You

00:13:30.940 --> 00:13:33.080
would have. Just the comedian section in the

00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:36.019
way, way top in a box seat. Yeah. I would have

00:13:36.019 --> 00:13:39.320
been on the floor. That is a beautiful moment,

00:13:39.399 --> 00:13:42.399
watching a friend bomb hard. Only a friend that

00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:44.860
you know is funny. Yeah. If someone bombs and

00:13:44.860 --> 00:13:47.019
they bomb all the time, it's pathetic. There's

00:13:47.019 --> 00:13:50.240
a specific laugh where it goes, set up. punchline,

00:13:50.419 --> 00:13:52.919
then a pause, quick pause, the audience should

00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:55.000
laugh, then a half second after when they don't,

00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:57.360
it's the two comics in the background. Going,

00:13:58.779 --> 00:14:02.580
ooh. It's a trickle of sweat on the forehead.

00:14:02.899 --> 00:14:04.299
And I'm like, look, dude, I know I'm bombing,

00:14:04.379 --> 00:14:06.240
dude, shut the fuck up. Get out of here. Oh,

00:14:06.259 --> 00:14:08.419
he's got the dry mouth. Isn't it funny how sometimes

00:14:08.419 --> 00:14:10.899
you go on stage and it's almost like you enter

00:14:10.899 --> 00:14:15.700
into a wrong cadence, or a wrong, just a wrong

00:14:15.700 --> 00:14:18.360
thought process, a wrong rhythm, and then like,

00:14:18.809 --> 00:14:20.850
You're like, I got to get out of this. How do

00:14:20.850 --> 00:14:22.610
I get out of this and get normal? I don't talk

00:14:22.610 --> 00:14:26.470
like this. How did I get stuck saying things

00:14:26.470 --> 00:14:29.549
in this order? Actually, that show, I just watched

00:14:29.549 --> 00:14:32.429
season one of Eastbound Down Again, and I was

00:14:32.429 --> 00:14:34.250
literally just talking like Kenny Powers. Oh,

00:14:34.309 --> 00:14:36.370
yeah. It was like, good to see you motherfuckers

00:14:36.370 --> 00:14:38.730
made it out tonight. I was just like, this is

00:14:38.730 --> 00:14:41.230
how I talk. Oh, my God. There were kids out there?

00:14:41.470 --> 00:14:43.509
There were kids, and then I brought Tony on stage,

00:14:43.750 --> 00:14:47.710
and we did, like, tame. roast jokes like Vince

00:14:47.710 --> 00:14:49.509
Young was there. I was like, Vince Young, I heard

00:14:49.509 --> 00:14:51.309
it's your birthday today. You're 41, more like

00:14:51.309 --> 00:14:55.190
Vince Old. Hey, that's not bad. Can I use that?

00:14:57.009 --> 00:15:02.200
Oh my God. All right. Don't bark, man. The rhythm

00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:03.460
thing. But you know what else is weird? You make

00:15:03.460 --> 00:15:05.259
some weird choice out of the gate. You're like,

00:15:05.340 --> 00:15:07.100
I'm going to fuck with this guy. Right. First,

00:15:07.379 --> 00:15:09.519
and it just derails your whole set. Yeah. Like,

00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:11.539
why didn't I just do my act? Why did I bring

00:15:11.539 --> 00:15:14.559
him up? It's choices. Like, sometimes they go

00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:17.340
sideways, and sometimes they don't. But if you

00:15:17.340 --> 00:15:19.500
don't follow them, you'll never get those tags.

00:15:19.879 --> 00:15:23.480
You never get that, like. that new branch that

00:15:23.480 --> 00:15:25.360
comes off a bit. Follow the field. It's just

00:15:25.360 --> 00:15:27.899
sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes you get

00:15:27.899 --> 00:15:30.259
a warning. The MC's on. I got off. You're about

00:15:30.259 --> 00:15:31.720
to go. I'm like, oh, there's a lady on the side.

00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:33.200
She wants it to be all about her. Like, don't.

00:15:33.539 --> 00:15:35.740
And then you walk for a second and you ask her,

00:15:35.779 --> 00:15:37.320
like, what's your problem? Like, fuck! And then

00:15:37.320 --> 00:15:39.100
she's like, I unleashed her. I got the warning.

00:15:39.399 --> 00:15:42.100
They get you. They're always going to get you.

00:15:42.100 --> 00:15:43.919
Just waiting to be called on. God, there's so

00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:46.409
many needy people out there. They don't just

00:15:46.409 --> 00:15:48.809
want to see a show. They want to be needy. I've

00:15:48.809 --> 00:15:50.830
met dudes. I've met needy dudes that want to

00:15:50.830 --> 00:15:52.570
talk to you while you're on stage. It's like,

00:15:52.590 --> 00:15:58.289
God, why are you doing that? Yeah, I did a show.

00:15:58.870 --> 00:16:02.590
It was like a hockey arena show. And this drunk

00:16:02.590 --> 00:16:05.350
guy, did I tell this last time? Possibly. I was

00:16:05.350 --> 00:16:09.429
blacked out. This guy snuck behind the screen.

00:16:09.649 --> 00:16:12.090
So he was just sitting by himself up in a balcony.

00:16:13.479 --> 00:16:15.179
No one was allowed to sit there. He just was

00:16:15.179 --> 00:16:17.360
sitting by himself, and I heard him the entire

00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:20.080
show. But he would only talk when I was talking.

00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:21.299
Oh, that's the worst. I would start talking,

00:16:21.299 --> 00:16:24.200
and he'd be like, Shane. Oh, no. Shane. And I

00:16:24.200 --> 00:16:27.259
was on stage like, what is that? It was like

00:16:27.259 --> 00:16:29.220
trying to find a fucking cricket in your house.

00:16:29.299 --> 00:16:32.279
Right. The second you stop, it stops, and you're

00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:35.840
like. And then finally he was like, yay. I saw

00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:37.419
him. I looked up and I was like, oh, he's up

00:16:37.419 --> 00:16:39.899
there. And he was like, hey, I love you. He's

00:16:39.899 --> 00:16:42.919
doing that. I was like, oh, there he is. Fucking

00:16:42.919 --> 00:16:47.080
kick him out. We used to get hecklers at the

00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:49.059
Vulcan that would lean over the balcony and you

00:16:49.059 --> 00:16:51.220
couldn't even see him. There's spotlights in

00:16:51.220 --> 00:16:53.159
your face. Who's up there? What are you talking?

00:16:53.379 --> 00:16:55.940
Like people above you yelling things down at

00:16:55.940 --> 00:17:01.679
you. Fuck yeah. When it's while you're talking.

00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.039
Yes. And you're like, I swear to God I hear something.

00:17:04.140 --> 00:17:06.000
And it's a fucking arena and no one else hears

00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:07.799
it. That's brutal. So I'm just on stage like

00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:10.759
in between jokes looking around. They're like,

00:17:10.859 --> 00:17:13.099
God damn this guy. Some people, they shouldn't

00:17:13.099 --> 00:17:15.640
go to a comedy show. No. They're just like. This

00:17:15.640 --> 00:17:17.000
should be a test. They took that guy and put

00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:20.599
him straight in a cop car. He drove by himself.

00:17:20.779 --> 00:17:23.900
They were like, all right. You can't drive. The

00:17:23.900 --> 00:17:25.859
security guard grabbed him. His shoes fell off.

00:17:25.980 --> 00:17:29.380
Oh, my God. He was like, ah. I was like, all

00:17:29.380 --> 00:17:32.140
right. It is cool, though. I did say it. I was

00:17:32.140 --> 00:17:34.079
like, this guy does actually rule. His shoes

00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:37.339
fell off. His shoes fell off right away. He wasn't

00:17:37.339 --> 00:17:39.059
saying anything bad. He just snuck behind the

00:17:39.059 --> 00:17:42.460
stage and was going, I love you. What a nut,

00:17:42.599 --> 00:17:44.619
dude. He was having fun. It's so hard to explain

00:17:44.619 --> 00:17:46.440
to a positive person that they're ruining everything.

00:17:46.819 --> 00:17:51.170
Yes. Right, especially one with a 70 IQ. I did

00:17:51.170 --> 00:17:53.609
Philly last week, and I had the lady who had

00:17:53.609 --> 00:17:56.650
the crazy laugh. So she's nice. She's loving

00:17:56.650 --> 00:18:00.309
the show. She's like, ah, ah, ah. And you're

00:18:00.309 --> 00:18:02.789
like, you got to go. You're ruining everything.

00:18:02.890 --> 00:18:04.809
She's like, I'm laughing. Oh, you kicked her

00:18:04.809 --> 00:18:07.230
out? I had to. It was too much. She ruined the

00:18:07.230 --> 00:18:09.430
opener's whole set. Yeah. So then when I went

00:18:09.430 --> 00:18:10.990
on, she's laughing in the middle of setups where

00:18:10.990 --> 00:18:12.940
you need like a pause. And we had to get her

00:18:12.940 --> 00:18:14.799
out of there. It was too much. Was she a crazy

00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:17.160
person? Yeah, she was making it about her. She

00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:20.119
knew what she was doing. She was doing it on

00:18:20.119 --> 00:18:22.779
purpose? I think so. It was way over the top.

00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:25.779
It was like the Joker. Like almost like a prank?

00:18:26.299 --> 00:18:29.019
Kind of, yeah. Or she just wanted you to know

00:18:29.019 --> 00:18:30.960
she was laughing. Yeah. So she went harder. It

00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:32.940
was like fake orgasm chick where you're like,

00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:36.299
hey, this is not real. Yeah, right. I have six

00:18:36.299 --> 00:18:40.180
inches of thin steel here. Come on. Six inches?

00:18:40.920 --> 00:18:43.720
Five and a half. All right. I'm all veins. He's

00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:46.660
measuring from the knee. It's all veins. A lot

00:18:46.660 --> 00:18:51.539
of vein. Did a corporate gig in Toronto. It was

00:18:51.539 --> 00:18:53.660
the best setup ever. Did I tell this? No, but

00:18:53.660 --> 00:18:55.519
I know this. All right. Restaurant? Remember

00:18:55.519 --> 00:18:57.579
I told you this Super Bowl thing? Yeah. It's

00:18:57.579 --> 00:18:59.660
the same guy. No way. Yeah. All right. Sorry.

00:18:59.920 --> 00:19:02.180
Well, it was just a hell gig of all hell gigs.

00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:04.299
It was all these rich millionaire guys, and the

00:19:04.299 --> 00:19:06.140
guy goes, I'm a huge fan. You got to do this

00:19:06.140 --> 00:19:08.579
bit. Do that bit. I'm like, this is a lock. He's

00:19:08.579 --> 00:19:11.240
telling me what bits to do. I'm in. So I open

00:19:11.240 --> 00:19:12.640
up with all the bits, and they're all bombing.

00:19:12.839 --> 00:19:15.779
It's corporate. Had the Fisher -Price mic. You

00:19:15.779 --> 00:19:18.700
know, that whole thing. And then I'm bombing,

00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:19.960
and the guy's sitting in the front row going,

00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:22.339
what are you doing? What are you doing? This

00:19:22.339 --> 00:19:24.720
isn't like your special I saw. I'm doing the

00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:26.299
bits. They're not laughing. I don't know what

00:19:26.299 --> 00:19:28.960
else to do. So I bomb for a full hour. What are

00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:32.119
you doing? That's not helping. What are you doing?

00:19:32.220 --> 00:19:33.680
Same show. He's trying to encourage your coach.

00:19:34.099 --> 00:19:36.319
Oh, wow. That's a rough show. He brought me into

00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:38.420
a dinner, and it was in front of just NFL Hall

00:19:38.420 --> 00:19:41.400
of Famers. At a steak dinner table. Yes. Just

00:19:41.400 --> 00:19:43.180
at dinner. Yes. And he was like, all right, stand

00:19:43.180 --> 00:19:46.119
up. That was it. And the first time he did it,

00:19:46.140 --> 00:19:48.000
I was like, I'm not doing it. Yeah. And he was

00:19:48.000 --> 00:19:50.279
cool about it. He was like, okay. He was nice.

00:19:50.279 --> 00:19:51.460
And then I realized he really wanted me to do

00:19:51.460 --> 00:19:53.740
stand -up, so I was like, all right. Just come

00:19:53.740 --> 00:19:55.359
to a show later. I'll talk about Down syndrome

00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:59.799
in front of fucking Jerry Rice. Come to a show.

00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:02.359
Yeah, come to a show. Fuck this. This is nonsense.

00:20:02.759 --> 00:20:04.900
I had one good corporate. It was for the Border

00:20:04.900 --> 00:20:07.660
Patrol. Oh, really? And they saw me in La Jolla

00:20:07.660 --> 00:20:09.059
in San Diego at a club, and he's like, yeah,

00:20:09.059 --> 00:20:10.859
do that stuff. I'm like, okay, but corporates

00:20:10.859 --> 00:20:13.299
are, he goes, they're pieces of shit. Do whatever

00:20:13.299 --> 00:20:15.619
you want. And I was like, okay, great. And they

00:20:15.619 --> 00:20:18.839
really were. Cops are great crowds. Yeah. Well,

00:20:18.900 --> 00:20:21.359
we did that show last year. It was awesome. Yeah.

00:20:21.579 --> 00:20:24.839
Two shows. Yeah, it's like, comedy should be

00:20:24.839 --> 00:20:27.099
in a fucking comedy club. Of course. And it probably

00:20:27.099 --> 00:20:30.160
should be more than five minutes, too. I never

00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:32.720
did one of those late night shows. It was like,

00:20:32.759 --> 00:20:36.180
that just doesn't seem like. I just can't get

00:20:36.180 --> 00:20:39.900
cooking in five minutes. I need some time. And

00:20:39.900 --> 00:20:43.200
I also don't want to water anything down. I don't

00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:45.400
want to do it. It goes with the style. There's

00:20:45.400 --> 00:20:48.259
a specific style for it. Yeah. If you're a set

00:20:48.259 --> 00:20:50.619
-up punch joke writer guy, it's great. But I

00:20:50.619 --> 00:20:53.359
wonder today if it's even worth doing. It was

00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:55.099
certainly worth doing when you guys were doing

00:20:55.099 --> 00:20:57.819
it. Not at all. But today it seems like to develop

00:20:57.819 --> 00:21:00.099
a solid five minutes and do it on one of those

00:21:00.099 --> 00:21:01.700
shows. No one's going to see it. I got Sam. We

00:21:01.700 --> 00:21:03.220
were all hanging out. Me, him, and Sam were hanging

00:21:03.220 --> 00:21:05.380
out in the cellar. And he said he got an offer

00:21:05.380 --> 00:21:07.599
for a cordon or something like that. And he was

00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:10.000
like, they're not paying. And then I got to fly

00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:12.339
myself there. Also, you're doing stand -up on

00:21:12.339 --> 00:21:14.859
a non -stand -up show? Yeah, he goes, I can just

00:21:14.859 --> 00:21:17.079
get this views on my own. Like tonight, right

00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:20.400
now. One TikTok. Yeah, it's a weird situation

00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:22.880
now where that thing has just evaporated in front

00:21:22.880 --> 00:21:25.420
of our face. Yeah, and then they... I'm doing

00:21:25.420 --> 00:21:30.599
the Tonight Show soon. But the guy's like, hey,

00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:31.779
we'd love to have you. And I'm like, all right,

00:21:31.779 --> 00:21:33.299
great. Here's the set. And he's like, ooh, can

00:21:33.299 --> 00:21:36.019
you change this and that? I'm like, well, why

00:21:36.019 --> 00:21:38.599
would I do it now? You guys got to, like, change

00:21:38.599 --> 00:21:39.779
with the times. You got to bend a little. I had

00:21:39.779 --> 00:21:42.019
to fight for Boner. I got Boner on. Oh, gosh.

00:21:42.099 --> 00:21:45.400
But that was a fight. Nice. Boner fight. What's

00:21:45.400 --> 00:21:48.220
funny because before the internet, Boner was

00:21:48.220 --> 00:21:51.319
a no -go. Great video game. Boner was never happening

00:21:51.319 --> 00:21:54.039
before the internet. Boner. It's a funny word,

00:21:54.119 --> 00:21:55.779
though. Yeah. It's funnier than erection. He's

00:21:55.779 --> 00:21:58.380
a character on Growing Pains. Yeah, Boner. It's

00:21:58.380 --> 00:22:00.400
a bone. Oh, interesting. I don't think they meant

00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:02.160
that thing. Same thing, though. Washed up dead.

00:22:02.339 --> 00:22:03.859
When did Boner become a hard -on? Washed up dead

00:22:03.859 --> 00:22:06.859
in the shores of Vancouver. Really? Boner. Pull

00:22:06.859 --> 00:22:08.279
it up. What do you mean? What are you saying?

00:22:08.420 --> 00:22:10.420
He washed up. The actor who played Boner's the

00:22:10.420 --> 00:22:12.339
bone. Oh, really? Washed up dead on a fucking

00:22:12.339 --> 00:22:14.059
beach in Vancouver. Oh, did he drown? Yeah, I

00:22:14.059 --> 00:22:16.220
don't know. A lot of sitcom guys get fucked.

00:22:16.279 --> 00:22:17.980
You're lucky you got out easy. Well, you know

00:22:17.980 --> 00:22:19.700
what it is? They start really young. No, it's

00:22:19.700 --> 00:22:22.039
they start really young. Ouch. They start young.

00:22:23.079 --> 00:22:25.059
That's what it is. They start, they become kids

00:22:25.059 --> 00:22:27.059
and they become famous when they're kids, which

00:22:27.059 --> 00:22:29.279
you just can't do. That works out a lot. Having

00:22:29.279 --> 00:22:31.880
a child be an actor. Yeah. Smart move. It is

00:22:31.880 --> 00:22:34.019
the worst thing you can do to a kid other than

00:22:34.019 --> 00:22:37.000
like awful things. Kevin Spacey. Yeah. Wait a

00:22:37.000 --> 00:22:39.440
minute. Boner found dead in Canada. Whoa. I got

00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:41.900
two facts. All right. Body was discovered in

00:22:41.900 --> 00:22:44.500
a heavily wooded area about 100 feet from a footpath

00:22:44.500 --> 00:22:47.700
to the huge park. Damn. How did he die? Boner

00:22:47.700 --> 00:22:50.400
in a wooded. Hard. Foul play was not suspected.

00:22:51.250 --> 00:22:52.829
I don't know about that. What does that mean?

00:22:52.910 --> 00:22:55.170
Wooded area is never good. How did he die then?

00:22:55.329 --> 00:22:57.609
Doesn't say. I don't know. I'll look. It's okay.

00:22:58.049 --> 00:23:00.549
His name was Dick. I've met a bunch. His name

00:23:00.549 --> 00:23:02.509
was Dick and his nickname was Boner. Perfect.

00:23:03.329 --> 00:23:05.910
That sucks. Boner used to be just a mess up,

00:23:05.930 --> 00:23:07.950
right? A boner? Yeah. I pulled a boner. It used

00:23:07.950 --> 00:23:10.970
to be that. What? Yeah. When did boner become

00:23:10.970 --> 00:23:13.089
something that people used to describe their

00:23:13.089 --> 00:23:15.529
dick? You know, maybe it's like one of those

00:23:15.529 --> 00:23:18.019
things like gay. Like, Flintstones had a gay

00:23:18.019 --> 00:23:20.380
old time, remember? Yeah. Gay used to be fun.

00:23:20.519 --> 00:23:22.519
We'll have a gay time. Right. And then all of

00:23:22.519 --> 00:23:24.240
a sudden, they took it just like they took the

00:23:24.240 --> 00:23:26.940
rainbow. Right. They took it from us. They stole

00:23:26.940 --> 00:23:28.819
it. They stole it. Yeah. We're taking it back.

00:23:28.819 --> 00:23:30.980
And now they own it. We're taking it back. Gay

00:23:30.980 --> 00:23:34.619
old time. That's why when people get mad if you

00:23:34.619 --> 00:23:37.839
call something gay, like, it used to be fun.

00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:40.039
Blunder. Yeah. It was Blunder. 1912 baseball

00:23:40.039 --> 00:23:43.650
slang. What? Probably from Bonehead. Bonehead

00:23:43.650 --> 00:23:46.950
move. The meaning erect penis is from the 1950s.

00:23:47.009 --> 00:23:51.130
Okay, so the 1950s. Boner became a dick. I mean,

00:23:51.170 --> 00:23:53.109
it's right there. Your dick's a bone, boner,

00:23:53.170 --> 00:23:54.950
it's right there. Sorry, didn't mean to get hard

00:23:54.950 --> 00:23:57.289
at the funeral. Oh, from the earlier, it used

00:23:57.289 --> 00:24:00.730
to be a bone -on in the 1940s. Follow the trends

00:24:00.730 --> 00:24:04.069
of boner, that's what I do during sex. Oh, we

00:24:04.069 --> 00:24:08.049
got something, no we don't. Yes. Boner trends,

00:24:08.269 --> 00:24:10.990
as soon as the fucking Viagra was invented. It's

00:24:10.990 --> 00:24:13.210
not a good word in the bedroom, though. You know,

00:24:13.210 --> 00:24:15.009
if you're like, I'm so hard, you can't be like,

00:24:15.190 --> 00:24:19.240
oh, you like that boner? Yeah, it's not. I got

00:24:19.240 --> 00:24:23.000
a fucking boner. That's a drunk. The guy using

00:24:23.000 --> 00:24:25.119
that word is drunk. Nice boobs, I got a boner.

00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:28.059
He's beer drunk. Really, all you can use is dick

00:24:28.059 --> 00:24:31.200
and cock. I don't want to say it. I've definitely

00:24:31.200 --> 00:24:34.099
hit a boner in there. Yeah, you're drinking that

00:24:34.099 --> 00:24:35.759
Bud Light, you get a boner. But if you're drinking

00:24:35.759 --> 00:24:38.539
like... 25 -year -old Scotch, you have an erection.

00:24:38.660 --> 00:24:41.740
There you go. You have a hard cock. You have

00:24:41.740 --> 00:24:44.680
an erection like a man. Ice moving around your

00:24:44.680 --> 00:24:46.779
glass. I've got an erection. Yeah, I can't take

00:24:46.779 --> 00:24:48.660
myself seriously. I can't. You should be like,

00:24:48.779 --> 00:24:50.940
I have a hard cock, right? It's gross, dude.

00:24:51.220 --> 00:24:53.480
My wife likes the insults, and I feel bad. You

00:24:53.480 --> 00:24:55.400
said this last time. Oh, shit. No, no, no. You

00:24:55.400 --> 00:24:56.759
told me this before. I'm sorry. But, you know,

00:24:56.759 --> 00:24:59.559
she's like, say shit. Say mean shit. But I'm

00:24:59.559 --> 00:25:01.819
a guy, so I'm like, oh, you retard. Yeah. You

00:25:01.819 --> 00:25:03.480
know, that's not hot. You don't pay your share

00:25:03.480 --> 00:25:08.839
of the rent. You can't. That's funny that she

00:25:08.839 --> 00:25:12.859
likes that. Loves it. So weird. She's a wacky

00:25:12.859 --> 00:25:15.039
lady. But probably real nice outside of that.

00:25:15.099 --> 00:25:18.200
Very nice. That's where she gets it out. Bizarre.

00:25:18.359 --> 00:25:21.319
She could maybe go to the gym. Yeah, it'd be

00:25:21.319 --> 00:25:24.539
nice. Take a fucking yoga class. Get in there.

00:25:24.740 --> 00:25:27.720
You have to be in fucking hand -to -hand combat

00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:32.980
while you're fucking. You know? It's weird. Remember

00:25:32.980 --> 00:25:34.920
those self -defense classes? I felt like every

00:25:34.920 --> 00:25:36.660
lady took one of those in the 80s, and that kind

00:25:36.660 --> 00:25:37.920
of went away. All they taught you was to knee

00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:40.940
a guy in the balls. That was it. I went to one

00:25:40.940 --> 00:25:43.019
once. I went to one to watch to see what they

00:25:43.019 --> 00:25:45.400
teached. It was all nonsense. The only thing

00:25:45.400 --> 00:25:47.700
that they... In the back, taking notes. Yeah,

00:25:47.720 --> 00:25:51.079
no, it was when I was teaching. I was like 21

00:25:51.079 --> 00:25:52.940
at the time. I wanted to see it because it was

00:25:52.940 --> 00:25:55.579
at Boston University, I think, which is where

00:25:55.579 --> 00:25:57.990
I was teaching Taekwondo. And when I was there,

00:25:58.089 --> 00:26:00.950
they had, like, a big blue suit. The guy would

00:26:00.950 --> 00:26:02.730
wear, like, a big blue suit. And he would, like,

00:26:02.789 --> 00:26:04.390
come at these ladies. Like the training German

00:26:04.390 --> 00:26:07.049
shepherds? And they would yell, like, stop. And

00:26:07.049 --> 00:26:09.289
then they would, like, drop and kick them in

00:26:09.289 --> 00:26:11.670
the balls. That was, like, one of the moves.

00:26:11.849 --> 00:26:13.450
And then, like, grab them with your keys. There

00:26:13.450 --> 00:26:15.049
was moves where you, like, take your keys, you

00:26:15.049 --> 00:26:16.930
put them through your fingers like brass knuckles.

00:26:17.800 --> 00:26:20.119
Back then, people had a house key, fucking mailbox

00:26:20.119 --> 00:26:21.700
key. You had a bunch of keys. You could put them

00:26:21.700 --> 00:26:23.900
in there and punch people in the face. But I

00:26:23.900 --> 00:26:26.279
was like, you know, there's no substitute for

00:26:26.279 --> 00:26:27.640
actually learning how to fight. This is not going

00:26:27.640 --> 00:26:29.359
to work. None of it will work. None of it will

00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:30.720
work. They just got to get out of that alley.

00:26:30.900 --> 00:26:32.980
I had explained to this girl. She was like 100

00:26:32.980 --> 00:26:35.500
pounds with tiny hands. I'm like, you should

00:26:35.500 --> 00:26:37.900
never try to hit a guy. Never try. You should

00:26:37.900 --> 00:26:41.519
learn how to not get hit and how to move, but

00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:43.980
you're not going to hurt someone. You're too

00:26:43.980 --> 00:26:46.549
small. This is nothing you can do about it. That's

00:26:46.549 --> 00:26:48.869
a wake -up call. Because they get in this head

00:26:48.869 --> 00:26:50.970
that they're going to be karate experts and they're

00:26:50.970 --> 00:26:52.670
going to be beating up people. And I'm like,

00:26:52.730 --> 00:26:55.210
you don't have enough mass. Like, you have to

00:26:55.210 --> 00:26:56.849
have a certain amount of mass to be able to generate

00:26:56.849 --> 00:26:59.130
force to hurt someone. Leah Thomas is pretty

00:26:59.130 --> 00:27:02.789
beefy. Think of trying to be like the type of

00:27:02.789 --> 00:27:04.349
guy who hits his wife and then you go try to

00:27:04.349 --> 00:27:06.950
hit her and she can bob and weave. Well, that

00:27:06.950 --> 00:27:09.650
would suck. Jiu -jitsu is the best sport for

00:27:09.650 --> 00:27:11.549
women. The best martial art to learn for women.

00:27:11.789 --> 00:27:14.230
Because you can be very small, but still with

00:27:14.230 --> 00:27:15.890
leverage and using the right technique, you can

00:27:15.890 --> 00:27:17.849
choke a guy unconscious. I've seen it happen.

00:27:18.390 --> 00:27:20.609
Yeah, I've been choked. My friend Felicia, she

00:27:20.609 --> 00:27:22.809
weighs like 135 pounds. She's a black belt under

00:27:22.809 --> 00:27:25.130
John Jock Machado. And there was this guy who's

00:27:25.130 --> 00:27:27.650
like a porn star. He used to have a TV show on

00:27:27.650 --> 00:27:29.549
Showtime. And he was going to have this thing

00:27:29.549 --> 00:27:33.130
where he tried jujitsu with a girl. And she fucking

00:27:33.130 --> 00:27:35.049
strangled him like three or four times in a row.

00:27:35.190 --> 00:27:36.849
And I don't know if they ever even put it on

00:27:36.849 --> 00:27:39.640
TV. Because I think it was so embarrassing. Because

00:27:39.640 --> 00:27:42.740
you have this 135 -pound chick who's just manhandling

00:27:42.740 --> 00:27:45.000
this dude and taking his life over and over again

00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:47.759
and letting him go. Felicia, she's the shit.

00:27:48.059 --> 00:27:49.980
Some girl that's bodybuilder women, I watch a

00:27:49.980 --> 00:27:53.279
documentary, who get paid on the side. Sure,

00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:56.359
it was a documentary. Paid on the side. They

00:27:56.359 --> 00:27:58.960
get paid on the side while bodybuilding to wrestle

00:27:58.960 --> 00:28:01.480
dudes and throw them around, and guys love it.

00:28:01.500 --> 00:28:04.599
Top dollar. What's the real job? Is it really

00:28:04.599 --> 00:28:07.259
bodybuilding or is it wrestling dudes? It seems

00:28:07.259 --> 00:28:09.400
like you're bullshitting. You're saying you're

00:28:09.400 --> 00:28:10.539
doing it on the side and that's where you make

00:28:10.539 --> 00:28:12.799
all your money. Bodybuilding is the ad you put

00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:14.740
out. How much money do the women bodybuilders

00:28:14.740 --> 00:28:17.220
make compared to women who are willing to wrestle

00:28:17.220 --> 00:28:20.460
crazy old rich dudes? I bet there's a lot of

00:28:20.460 --> 00:28:23.859
money in old rich dudes that want to be humiliated.

00:28:23.859 --> 00:28:26.000
Who the fuck are these people? Where are they?

00:28:26.119 --> 00:28:28.740
Who? Like, what are these guys doing? Oh, they're

00:28:28.740 --> 00:28:30.180
out there, man. I don't think I will. A lot of

00:28:30.180 --> 00:28:32.359
them are like CEOs. These guys that you tell

00:28:32.359 --> 00:28:34.019
you jokes in front of at these corporate events.

00:28:34.140 --> 00:28:36.640
Those guys are getting like tied down. Oh, yeah.

00:28:36.700 --> 00:28:39.240
Pussy and asshole stuffed in their face. Oh,

00:28:39.279 --> 00:28:41.500
yeah. They get their balls kicked. That's the

00:28:41.500 --> 00:28:43.380
new thing because porn has become so specific.

00:28:44.369 --> 00:28:46.369
Because like everything's just uploaded for free

00:28:46.369 --> 00:28:48.769
so then it becomes like well I want to hire these

00:28:48.769 --> 00:28:51.170
porn stars to do this exact scene and a lot of

00:28:51.170 --> 00:28:53.150
it is like burn all my stamps I collected for

00:28:53.150 --> 00:28:58.890
40 years Like with these old rich guys like some

00:28:58.890 --> 00:29:01.569
of them they make this deal with what they call

00:29:01.569 --> 00:29:04.029
a humiliatrix I had one of them on my show really

00:29:04.029 --> 00:29:07.789
Yeah, and she will like get a video of them sucking

00:29:07.789 --> 00:29:11.470
a cock She'll make him suck a cock on video and

00:29:11.470 --> 00:29:14.500
then send it to her and then And she will tell

00:29:14.500 --> 00:29:16.980
him she's blackmailing him. But it's all under

00:29:16.980 --> 00:29:19.339
safe conditions. And she will get him and he

00:29:19.339 --> 00:29:22.339
will send her $10 ,000. And she still holds on

00:29:22.339 --> 00:29:26.200
to the tape. Whoa. They have deals. Terrifying.

00:29:26.200 --> 00:29:28.799
She steals a certain amount of money from him.

00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:30.900
She can steal a certain amount of money from

00:29:30.900 --> 00:29:35.099
him. And she humiliates him. There's a thing

00:29:35.099 --> 00:29:37.680
that these rich, really powerful guys that head

00:29:37.680 --> 00:29:40.180
these giant corporations, some of them, that's

00:29:40.180 --> 00:29:41.660
how they get their rocks off. They get their

00:29:41.660 --> 00:29:43.059
rocks off by being humiliated. humiliated but

00:29:43.059 --> 00:29:45.539
so they hire a professional and the professional

00:29:45.539 --> 00:29:49.079
gets dirt on them humiliate makes them do embarrassing

00:29:49.079 --> 00:29:52.059
things that's a great gig for a lady yeah financial

00:29:52.059 --> 00:29:54.359
domination oh karen used to do this it's a sexual

00:29:54.359 --> 00:29:57.079
fetish lifestyle activity it was so funny yeah

00:29:57.079 --> 00:29:58.619
she would get a text this guy was like hey what

00:29:58.619 --> 00:30:00.000
are you up to and she was like you suck send

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.619
me some money And she's like, look, I got 20

00:30:02.619 --> 00:30:04.839
bucks. What? Yeah, it's before OnlyFans. She

00:30:04.839 --> 00:30:08.859
does it to me for free. It's a lifestyle activity

00:30:08.859 --> 00:30:11.160
which a submissive is required to give gifts

00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:14.480
or money to a dominant. Yeah, some dudes out

00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:17.500
there just like to be dominated. Play Pig. Play

00:30:17.500 --> 00:30:22.519
Pig. Cash Piggy. Whoa. Fin Sub. Human ATM. Money

00:30:22.519 --> 00:30:25.759
Slave. Human ATM. Whoa. Pay Pig's the worst,

00:30:25.839 --> 00:30:29.099
though. Cash Piggy's not bad, though. Cash Piggy.

00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:32.960
Cash Piggy's nice. Cash Piggy's hot. I'll be

00:30:32.960 --> 00:30:36.940
a little Cash Piggy, baby. It sounds like what

00:30:36.940 --> 00:30:39.539
Jackie Gleason used to call his hoes. I could

00:30:39.539 --> 00:30:41.059
maybe get behind the domination, but as soon

00:30:41.059 --> 00:30:42.900
as they're like, now suck some guy's dick, I'm

00:30:42.900 --> 00:30:44.880
like, hey, lady, I'm not playing this game anymore.

00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:47.920
I think some of these guys want dirt on them.

00:30:48.509 --> 00:30:51.650
You know, I think they're all involved in fucking

00:30:51.650 --> 00:30:53.970
corporate shenanigans, and they're probably all

00:30:53.970 --> 00:30:56.829
criminals. Like, who knows? I don't. Yeah, I

00:30:56.829 --> 00:30:58.809
just can't. They, like, get their nuts kicked.

00:30:59.089 --> 00:31:01.970
I can't. Damn. Some dudes, like, get shit on.

00:31:02.150 --> 00:31:04.609
How do you find out? I don't get it. Is there

00:31:04.609 --> 00:31:06.769
an unlock moment where you're like, oh, shit,

00:31:06.869 --> 00:31:08.289
that's what I meant? Like an accidental knee

00:31:08.289 --> 00:31:10.250
punch, you know? Like, sorry, like, actually,

00:31:10.430 --> 00:31:13.410
fuck. I bet a lot of it has come out of the internet.

00:31:13.869 --> 00:31:15.970
I bet a lot of it is coming out of guys watching

00:31:15.970 --> 00:31:17.809
videos and it's like, that's what I want. That's

00:31:17.809 --> 00:31:19.410
what I'm into. You start jacking off to it and

00:31:19.410 --> 00:31:21.109
next thing you know, they're hiring somebody.

00:31:21.710 --> 00:31:24.690
I don't like any pain. It's bothering me. How

00:31:24.690 --> 00:31:28.130
do you find the lady? How do you find the lady

00:31:28.130 --> 00:31:30.500
that's going to do a good job? I feel like a

00:31:30.500 --> 00:31:33.279
lady. I feel like any lady. She finds you. She

00:31:33.279 --> 00:31:35.579
finds you. True. Like a fucking shaman. True.

00:31:35.619 --> 00:31:37.539
Yeah, they find you in the forest. I dated a

00:31:37.539 --> 00:31:40.400
switch once. A hookah? What? Sub and dominant.

00:31:40.519 --> 00:31:43.160
Trans? And so it'd be like, you choke her in

00:31:43.160 --> 00:31:44.619
bed. She'd be like, cool. And then we were at

00:31:44.619 --> 00:31:46.339
a bar. She's like, chokes me. How does that feel?

00:31:46.420 --> 00:31:48.819
And I was like, you can't do anything to me.

00:31:48.940 --> 00:31:50.940
This is so stupid. Sounds like you dated a fucking

00:31:50.940 --> 00:31:53.319
retarded psycho. She was like, like that? I'm

00:31:53.319 --> 00:31:55.099
like, it's fine. I can stop you at any point.

00:31:55.220 --> 00:31:57.500
This is dumb. Yeah. Well, some people just like

00:31:57.500 --> 00:31:59.700
playing games. That would bother. I wanted you

00:31:59.700 --> 00:32:01.160
to go, oh, my God, don't hurt me. What are you

00:32:01.160 --> 00:32:02.880
guys doing? I'm like, stop. If you guys are at

00:32:02.880 --> 00:32:04.279
the bar and a lady grabbed my neck, I'd be like,

00:32:04.279 --> 00:32:06.339
what the fuck are you doing? Of course. Get the

00:32:06.339 --> 00:32:08.019
fuck out of here. We're already fucking. Was

00:32:08.019 --> 00:32:10.039
she hammered, too? No, we just started drinking.

00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:11.740
She was trying to show me her side of it, and

00:32:11.740 --> 00:32:13.240
I was like, this isn't my thing. It's like eating

00:32:13.240 --> 00:32:14.859
ass. Like, I'll eat an ass, but if some chick

00:32:14.859 --> 00:32:16.059
tries to eat my ass, I'm like, you shouldn't

00:32:16.059 --> 00:32:18.759
be doing that. No, I couldn't agree more. Completely

00:32:18.759 --> 00:32:21.519
agree. That's wrong for you. This is bad. When

00:32:21.519 --> 00:32:23.720
they put your legs up like a toddler. No, thank

00:32:23.720 --> 00:32:28.920
you. Norman, tell us more. Tell us more. The

00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:33.099
old diaper change. It's not pretty. I couldn't,

00:32:33.099 --> 00:32:34.660
yeah. If a lady pulled my legs up, I'd be like.

00:32:35.660 --> 00:32:38.140
Spaz yeah, and you got those big white cheeks

00:32:38.140 --> 00:32:41.980
with that red hole You're the one who got your

00:32:41.980 --> 00:32:49.359
fucking little gay ass eating I was like I jogged

00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:51.839
today. This is bad. Also. I want to be like hey

00:32:51.839 --> 00:32:57.319
just Google Ari Shafir's ass Part of this There's

00:32:57.319 --> 00:33:00.319
no need for these activities. No no you can't

00:33:00.319 --> 00:33:03.480
they go too far like these humiliatrix people

00:33:04.029 --> 00:33:06.029
Getting shit on. Yeah, regular sex is pretty

00:33:06.029 --> 00:33:07.349
good, and then you come and you go, all right,

00:33:07.349 --> 00:33:10.230
I'm good. You went too far. Well, you got to

00:33:10.230 --> 00:33:13.049
keep upping it, you know? It's like drugs. Yeah,

00:33:13.109 --> 00:33:14.849
you got to keep going further and further. Yeah.

00:33:15.009 --> 00:33:17.190
Cut off my arm. I don't know. I don't know what

00:33:17.190 --> 00:33:20.210
he does. Who are these people? Who are these

00:33:20.210 --> 00:33:22.309
people? Have you ever met anybody that's into

00:33:22.309 --> 00:33:24.450
this? Oh, yeah, you know them. Every once in

00:33:24.450 --> 00:33:26.150
a while you meet a guy who likes getting pegged.

00:33:26.349 --> 00:33:29.529
Yes. That's a tough one. I can name a few, but

00:33:29.529 --> 00:33:32.430
I won't. Fitzsimmons and I were on a road trip

00:33:32.430 --> 00:33:34.029
early. I thought you were going to say Fitzsimmons.

00:33:34.150 --> 00:33:38.009
No, no, no. We were on a road trip early in our

00:33:38.009 --> 00:33:40.069
career, back when we would do road trips to do

00:33:40.069 --> 00:33:41.910
open mics. So we were headed to Rhode Island

00:33:41.910 --> 00:33:44.829
to do an open mic with this dude who didn't make

00:33:44.829 --> 00:33:46.509
it. One of the guys, one of the lost soldiers

00:33:46.509 --> 00:33:49.730
of the open mic days. He was telling us about

00:33:49.730 --> 00:33:53.930
how his wife. shoves a 10 -inch dildo in his

00:33:53.930 --> 00:33:56.829
ass. Yo! And how much he likes it. 10 -inch!

00:33:56.829 --> 00:33:58.589
How much he likes it. You've never had a vibrator

00:33:58.589 --> 00:34:01.769
in your ass? And everyone, it's like... 10 -inch.

00:34:01.809 --> 00:34:04.930
Ah, DeRosa. Start with the pinky. I just remember

00:34:04.930 --> 00:34:08.119
us all being like, what did you just share? Yeah.

00:34:08.360 --> 00:34:11.219
Ten inch. Do we need that? Can we go five? Why

00:34:11.219 --> 00:34:13.920
ten? Five's great. You're right. You might have

00:34:13.920 --> 00:34:16.420
been exaggerating. But he was opening up the

00:34:16.420 --> 00:34:18.400
door to this conversation. Like, we're all going

00:34:18.400 --> 00:34:20.960
to go, yeah. Cool, man. No, thank you. I like

00:34:20.960 --> 00:34:24.320
a hard thing in my body that doesn't belong there.

00:34:24.480 --> 00:34:26.360
I just don't want things behind me. I don't like

00:34:26.360 --> 00:34:34.260
that idea. You don't want to love it either.

00:34:34.320 --> 00:34:36.519
You don't want to be your greatest orgasm ever.

00:34:36.599 --> 00:34:38.960
True. With like a fucking vibrating. Might be

00:34:38.960 --> 00:34:41.340
though. Probably. It probably is. That's what

00:34:41.340 --> 00:34:42.699
everybody says. It's probably like a guttural

00:34:42.699 --> 00:34:46.940
fucking. That's what they all say. Benchy, just

00:34:46.940 --> 00:34:50.500
a whale. Hit a certain fucking level of harmonic

00:34:50.500 --> 00:34:52.800
frequency that's not possible without something

00:34:52.800 --> 00:34:58.349
in your ass. What have I done? And you just bust.

00:34:59.010 --> 00:35:01.630
Yeah. It's like heroin. You're addicted immediately.

00:35:02.190 --> 00:35:05.530
That's the problem. If you could find out a spot

00:35:05.530 --> 00:35:09.550
in there that you could hit with a vibrator and

00:35:09.550 --> 00:35:11.409
you'd come that hard, you'd be like, well, let

00:35:11.409 --> 00:35:14.809
me try it once. If it was under your arm, we'd

00:35:14.809 --> 00:35:17.769
all try it. It's just hidden in the last place

00:35:17.769 --> 00:35:20.230
you'd look. The most shameful part of your body.

00:35:20.610 --> 00:35:23.550
Bring it on. Yeah, the old butthole. No, thank

00:35:23.550 --> 00:35:26.210
you. So shameful. The finger is the gateway,

00:35:26.369 --> 00:35:28.210
so you've got to watch out with the finger. They

00:35:28.210 --> 00:35:30.969
start you. They start you with the finger. Jamie,

00:35:31.030 --> 00:35:32.889
pull up. That guy's getting fucked in the ass,

00:35:32.909 --> 00:35:36.070
please. The old magic thumb. When I was like

00:35:36.070 --> 00:35:40.429
21 years old, I did a road gig, and I met this

00:35:40.429 --> 00:35:43.710
lady, and we went back to her place, and she

00:35:43.710 --> 00:35:45.849
told me, she goes, some gay guys used to live

00:35:45.849 --> 00:35:48.309
here before I did. I said, how do you know? She

00:35:48.309 --> 00:35:50.710
goes, because they left gay porn. I was like,

00:35:50.750 --> 00:35:53.559
what? So this is the first time I'd ever seen.

00:35:53.820 --> 00:35:57.099
I knew that people were gay. I knew they were

00:35:57.099 --> 00:36:00.099
gay, but I had no proof. I had no proof of this

00:36:00.099 --> 00:36:02.599
activity. And so she puts it on. First of all,

00:36:02.619 --> 00:36:06.019
I left her apartment immediately. You bought

00:36:06.019 --> 00:36:09.599
the house. I didn't even hang out with her. I'm

00:36:09.599 --> 00:36:11.860
like, I got to go. This is fucking creepy. You

00:36:11.860 --> 00:36:13.639
went through kicks? It was like I was watching

00:36:13.639 --> 00:36:18.059
someone get shot. That guy can't take that back.

00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:21.280
That dick is in his mouth. It's so intense. For

00:36:21.280 --> 00:36:23.239
the end of time. Well, that lemon party shot.

00:36:23.380 --> 00:36:25.639
You've got to pull that one out. Oh, lemon party.

00:36:25.820 --> 00:36:28.039
Yeah. How many times has that been sent? Oh.

00:36:28.579 --> 00:36:30.480
Someone goes, oh, my God, can you believe what

00:36:30.480 --> 00:36:33.019
Trump did? You're like, what? Oh, yeah. You've

00:36:33.019 --> 00:36:35.539
got to look. The one's the black dude's the San

00:36:35.539 --> 00:36:37.780
Francisco. San Francisco Chronicle. Yes. Has

00:36:37.780 --> 00:36:40.400
not had a real article ever in San Francisco

00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:42.800
Chronicle. Oh, you're right. Stop, Rose. Stop.

00:36:43.380 --> 00:36:45.699
What's going on there? What is that? What did

00:36:45.699 --> 00:36:47.400
you do? That was DeVito, I think. What is that,

00:36:47.400 --> 00:36:53.239
Jamie? Go back to it again? Yes! That's 11 party.

00:36:53.579 --> 00:36:56.929
It's such a knocky title. computer might be in

00:36:56.929 --> 00:36:59.530
trouble now. Oh, is your computer tainted? You

00:36:59.530 --> 00:37:01.730
got a virus, you son of a bitch. You got a gay

00:37:01.730 --> 00:37:04.829
virus. All your searches is going home. They

00:37:04.829 --> 00:37:08.230
got AIDS. You got the Stavros virus. Well, the

00:37:08.230 --> 00:37:10.369
fat black guy with the huge dick, he took over

00:37:10.369 --> 00:37:12.190
the lemon party. That was like the new generation.

00:37:12.409 --> 00:37:14.570
Yeah, that was it. Anytime there was a crazy

00:37:14.570 --> 00:37:16.389
news story. The flatback dick, you can send that

00:37:16.389 --> 00:37:18.570
to your mom. The lemon party's over the line.

00:37:18.570 --> 00:37:20.789
Wait a minute. Over the line. You can send that

00:37:20.789 --> 00:37:23.349
giant guy's dick. Well, your mom was in the Holocaust.

00:37:23.349 --> 00:37:27.210
It was just a... She's seen a couple trains.

00:37:31.469 --> 00:37:33.849
Rogues have a good bit about Brokeback Mountain

00:37:33.849 --> 00:37:36.590
that there should be a warning. Meat spin. Meat

00:37:36.590 --> 00:37:39.730
spin's a classic, dude. Which one's that? It's

00:37:39.730 --> 00:37:41.510
just a fun one. It's a fun one. You've seen your

00:37:41.510 --> 00:37:44.070
friends do this. I don't know meat spin. Oh,

00:37:44.070 --> 00:37:47.610
yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Man, I'm in here.

00:37:47.710 --> 00:37:54.119
Condom. Safe on that. Good golly. Tub girl. Is

00:37:54.119 --> 00:37:55.780
that condom just for show? Sort of like when

00:37:55.780 --> 00:37:57.699
people post virtuous things on social media?

00:37:57.920 --> 00:38:00.099
That condom doesn't go all the way up. It's just

00:38:00.099 --> 00:38:02.260
a ring. That condom's just for show. They're

00:38:02.260 --> 00:38:04.159
only doing this for show. Like, I am so safe.

00:38:04.260 --> 00:38:06.199
Even though I engage in these risky activities.

00:38:06.400 --> 00:38:08.000
You're not filming this. Like butt -fucking in

00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:11.760
front of a camera. Yeah, butt -fucking without

00:38:11.760 --> 00:38:14.559
a camera is weird. How do you get that dick to

00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:16.719
maintain that circle? People do it. And do you

00:38:16.719 --> 00:38:18.460
pause and try to go the other way? Yeah, you

00:38:18.460 --> 00:38:20.179
gotta pause. Let's work the other muscles. Do

00:38:20.179 --> 00:38:21.760
it in Australia. Go the other way automatically.

00:38:24.360 --> 00:38:32.039
Swing her back around. Now this, Spotify's okay

00:38:32.039 --> 00:38:34.960
with that. With what? The dick swinging? We'll

00:38:34.960 --> 00:38:37.309
find out. Alright. I mean, Jamie's good at it.

00:38:37.369 --> 00:38:38.550
Nothing's been on the screen yet for anybody

00:38:38.550 --> 00:38:40.349
else. Jamie knows how to handle things. Okay,

00:38:40.469 --> 00:38:42.130
great. Jamie knows how to handle things. Everybody

00:38:42.130 --> 00:38:44.010
that's listening to this knows exactly what me

00:38:44.010 --> 00:38:46.809
and Spin and Lemon Party is. Oh, yeah. We're

00:38:46.809 --> 00:38:48.210
not shocking anybody. We've got to fool a couple

00:38:48.210 --> 00:38:49.610
people to be like, I'll look this up. What do

00:38:49.610 --> 00:38:51.510
they mean? Well, there's some Marine watching

00:38:51.510 --> 00:38:53.150
like, ah, come on. Well, dude, I remember the

00:38:53.150 --> 00:38:54.650
early days of the internet when this stuff was

00:38:54.650 --> 00:38:58.309
new, when you would get stuff like this. Attachments.

00:38:58.570 --> 00:39:01.309
Well, yeah, but also certain websites. Do you

00:39:01.309 --> 00:39:04.360
remember Style Project? No. Style Project was

00:39:04.360 --> 00:39:07.619
this wild website that had all the most fucked

00:39:07.619 --> 00:39:10.119
up things on the internet. It was our spot we

00:39:10.119 --> 00:39:13.599
would all go to. Rotten .com, JustMeat .com.

00:39:13.780 --> 00:39:15.159
Do you remember Style Project? I don't remember

00:39:15.159 --> 00:39:17.820
that one. Is it still up? Yeah, I became friends

00:39:17.820 --> 00:39:19.139
with it. It's just a website. Or it's just a

00:39:19.139 --> 00:39:21.300
porn site now. Now it's a porn site? This is

00:39:21.300 --> 00:39:24.320
meat and potatoes. Too much pubic hair. Yikes,

00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:25.880
quite a push on that. Some guys are into that.

00:39:27.490 --> 00:39:31.550
So anyway, it used to be like all the most fucked

00:39:31.550 --> 00:39:34.769
up videos and photos on the internet. Anything

00:39:34.769 --> 00:39:36.929
fucked up that happened that you could find.

00:39:37.050 --> 00:39:40.969
Kurt Cobain's autopsy videos. That was a fun

00:39:40.969 --> 00:39:42.969
one. It was a guy and a girl walking. The girl

00:39:42.969 --> 00:39:46.210
stops. The guy keeps walking. Adjust. Boom. Yeah.

00:39:47.389 --> 00:39:49.050
There's a lot of those. Can you do this when

00:39:49.050 --> 00:39:51.050
Neil deGrasse Tyson's on? Be like, oh, let's

00:39:51.050 --> 00:39:53.570
pull up those Cosmos and just boom. He'd spin

00:39:53.570 --> 00:39:58.289
them. The Samson Chronicle Cosmos. If he wasn't

00:39:58.289 --> 00:39:59.449
on camera, he'd probably have a good sense of

00:39:59.449 --> 00:40:02.010
humor about it. True that. I was going to try

00:40:02.010 --> 00:40:04.030
another older one, but it's got the Texas. Oh,

00:40:04.070 --> 00:40:07.210
Texas. What's going on? Texas is fucking us,

00:40:07.210 --> 00:40:09.750
dude. No Pornhub. I know. I tried last night.

00:40:09.849 --> 00:40:12.829
Yeah, X -Video. Places became famous, and then

00:40:12.829 --> 00:40:15.130
they. What's that? Let's go. X -Video. You got

00:40:15.130 --> 00:40:17.789
to search. Just get a fucking VPN, man. Get ExpressVPN.

00:40:17.829 --> 00:40:20.030
X -Video is good. X -Video works. They all work.

00:40:20.070 --> 00:40:21.969
You run into some. There's some rough ones on

00:40:21.969 --> 00:40:23.949
there, though. Oh, really? X -Video is a little

00:40:23.949 --> 00:40:27.570
more Wild West. I see. How so? Do tell. I don't

00:40:27.570 --> 00:40:30.269
know. I feel like, yeah, it kind of feels like

00:40:30.269 --> 00:40:34.380
you're on a. rotten .com it feels like it's like

00:40:34.380 --> 00:40:36.179
reddit where it's like the best ones will get

00:40:36.179 --> 00:40:39.179
shown to you yes yeah the algo knows you yeah

00:40:39.179 --> 00:40:42.079
yeah it's like pregnant 80 year old fucks now

00:40:42.079 --> 00:40:44.860
we're talking oh yeah right gross that's horrible

00:40:44.860 --> 00:40:47.500
you ever get afraid to click on a porn style

00:40:47.500 --> 00:40:50.760
because it might change your whole life I won't

00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:53.000
touch anime. Like what? Anime porn? You think

00:40:53.000 --> 00:40:54.760
that would get you? I don't know. Just in case.

00:40:54.760 --> 00:40:56.280
I don't want to risk it. AI porn is going to

00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:58.800
get you. You know why? Because AI porn is going

00:40:58.800 --> 00:41:01.900
to manufacture the absolute perfect female for

00:41:01.900 --> 00:41:03.519
you. AI porn got me, dude. I saw it on Netflix.

00:41:04.199 --> 00:41:08.019
Got you? AI. I cracked one to AI porn. I'm back.

00:41:08.360 --> 00:41:11.039
Well, it's good. It's so well done. Well, it's

00:41:11.039 --> 00:41:14.690
also zero karma porn. You have karma with porn?

00:41:14.869 --> 00:41:17.250
Come on. Those days are over. Well, no, they're

00:41:17.250 --> 00:41:19.130
doing a new thing where they're making random

00:41:19.130 --> 00:41:21.769
high schoolers into a porn to shame them. Send

00:41:21.769 --> 00:41:24.530
me the link. Oh, like with AI? Yeah. Public servants,

00:41:24.710 --> 00:41:27.909
too. Here's where I don't have karma with porn.

00:41:28.559 --> 00:41:31.099
45 -year -old stepmoms that get stuck in dryers

00:41:31.099 --> 00:41:35.159
and the stepson fucks them. First of all, it's

00:41:35.159 --> 00:41:37.139
ridiculous that she's stuck in the dryer. It

00:41:37.139 --> 00:41:39.440
doesn't make any sense. You can get out. Who

00:41:39.440 --> 00:41:41.579
gets laundry out that way by sticking your head

00:41:41.579 --> 00:41:44.059
in for it? It doesn't make any sense. Like, how

00:41:44.059 --> 00:41:47.039
are you? How are you stuck? And then also, once

00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:48.820
you get out, you don't stop fucking. You start

00:41:48.820 --> 00:41:51.170
sucking dick and you get crazy. Those are fun.

00:41:51.289 --> 00:41:53.090
It's a fun time. It's just like when you have

00:41:53.090 --> 00:41:55.269
an 18 -year -old girl who's going on an audition,

00:41:55.389 --> 00:41:57.409
and she's sitting on a leather couch, and this

00:41:57.409 --> 00:41:59.329
guy's talking to her. Those, I'm like, geez.

00:41:59.530 --> 00:42:02.989
She swallows hard. I can do this. You've got

00:42:02.989 --> 00:42:05.929
to get to the mothership somehow. You hear the

00:42:05.929 --> 00:42:09.690
guy talk to the kid. He's such a skis ball. You're

00:42:09.690 --> 00:42:12.769
such a good girl. What do you do? With AI, you're

00:42:12.769 --> 00:42:14.909
not going to have any of that. With AI, no actual

00:42:14.909 --> 00:42:18.829
people. But you will still have people that get

00:42:18.829 --> 00:42:21.010
addicted to it. That's where things get weird

00:42:21.010 --> 00:42:23.050
because then you don't think of them as people.

00:42:23.329 --> 00:42:25.650
You just think, how do I get to the position

00:42:25.650 --> 00:42:28.030
where this girl's on the couch? Maybe I need

00:42:28.030 --> 00:42:30.489
to start my own thing. Maybe I need to objectify.

00:42:31.119 --> 00:42:33.800
you up it fucks it fucks people up unless you

00:42:33.800 --> 00:42:35.280
ever meet a hooker guy the guy who gets a lot

00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:37.619
of hookers and then they're them around a regular

00:42:37.619 --> 00:42:40.159
woman i don't know how to relate to them really

00:42:40.159 --> 00:42:41.880
because everyone's for sale in that world so

00:42:41.880 --> 00:42:44.300
then they're like stare up like your girlfriend

00:42:44.300 --> 00:42:46.880
up and down it's like dude oh wow jesus christ

00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:49.400
yeah jesus yikes yeah some people don't know

00:42:49.400 --> 00:42:52.849
how to turn it off And those guys also like to

00:42:52.849 --> 00:42:56.829
get shit on. Videos. Those are the guys. Nice

00:42:56.829 --> 00:42:59.269
to meet you. Will you shit on me? That's a third

00:42:59.269 --> 00:43:03.070
date thing. I bet if you're online today on websites,

00:43:03.190 --> 00:43:04.670
you could probably find someone to shit on you

00:43:04.670 --> 00:43:08.550
pretty easily. 1970 was probably quite a task.

00:43:08.550 --> 00:43:10.170
Yeah, you'd get your ass beat. Good point. The

00:43:10.170 --> 00:43:11.829
cops are going to whoop your ass for that. Yeah,

00:43:11.829 --> 00:43:14.030
probably quite a task before you could find someone

00:43:14.030 --> 00:43:16.170
who will safely shit on you. The internet's a

00:43:16.170 --> 00:43:19.280
beautiful thing. Put you in a fucking cell next

00:43:19.280 --> 00:43:21.559
to Jack Ruby. Well, what's it called? Two Girls,

00:43:21.639 --> 00:43:23.079
One Cup? Oh, yeah, I was just gonna bring that

00:43:23.079 --> 00:43:25.179
up. Apparently, that wasn't real shit, though.

00:43:25.239 --> 00:43:26.719
That was, like, ice cream. They stuffed up that

00:43:26.719 --> 00:43:28.699
girl's asshole. Yeah, that's why it looks weird.

00:43:29.119 --> 00:43:30.659
That's why it looks weird when it comes out,

00:43:30.699 --> 00:43:34.739
but, you know. Still. It's still something. How'd

00:43:34.739 --> 00:43:36.860
they get it up there, though? They, like, a fucking,

00:43:37.039 --> 00:43:39.539
like, one of those things you use to, like, decorate

00:43:39.539 --> 00:43:42.739
a cake. Yeah. Or start a fire. We should try

00:43:42.739 --> 00:43:45.739
that. So cold, though. No, you just get some

00:43:45.739 --> 00:43:49.260
warm pudding. Work it around your hand for a

00:43:49.260 --> 00:43:54.260
little bit. Warm, foamy goodness. Whipped creamy.

00:43:54.500 --> 00:43:56.300
It's probably whipped cream. And then she just

00:43:56.300 --> 00:43:58.900
dumps out this chocolate whipped cream. And they

00:43:58.900 --> 00:44:01.380
start eating it. Anyone else hard? And then they

00:44:01.380 --> 00:44:04.219
start throwing up in each other's mouths. Those

00:44:04.219 --> 00:44:06.300
were so many. That was like the first reaction

00:44:06.300 --> 00:44:08.940
videos. Remember? Two girls, one cup. Two girls,

00:44:08.960 --> 00:44:11.800
one cup. That Jewish reporter getting beheaded.

00:44:12.320 --> 00:44:15.900
Slowly. And then the horse. Oh, yeah, the Jewish

00:44:15.900 --> 00:44:18.159
horse. Oh, the horse. The reporter was from what

00:44:18.159 --> 00:44:22.260
year? Go for, like, 2001, too. David. Epstein,

00:44:22.420 --> 00:44:25.380
something? Or Einstein? I think his dad invented,

00:44:25.599 --> 00:44:29.190
like... It was in one of those, Jesus Christ.

00:44:29.369 --> 00:44:31.869
Bro, that one was so crazy. Because the beheading

00:44:31.869 --> 00:44:33.630
didn't, it wasn't like you knew in the movies.

00:44:33.829 --> 00:44:36.190
It was, you just got through a quarter of my

00:44:36.190 --> 00:44:38.010
neck. I'm still screaming. Yeah, they're sawing.

00:44:38.010 --> 00:44:41.969
Daniel Pearl. Ah, Pearly baby. What did his dad

00:44:41.969 --> 00:44:44.010
do? His dad did something. I saw it in the Adam

00:44:44.010 --> 00:44:47.769
Curtis documentary they talked about. Yikes.

00:44:47.769 --> 00:44:49.429
Remember the first time you caught a bestiality

00:44:49.429 --> 00:44:52.030
video on accident? Oh, I found one when I was

00:44:52.030 --> 00:44:54.590
in high school. When I was in high school, one

00:44:54.590 --> 00:44:57.420
of our friends had barnyard Betty. Do you remember

00:44:57.420 --> 00:45:00.519
Barnyard Betty? Yeah. It was a videotape. It

00:45:00.519 --> 00:45:03.059
was so grainy. We had like a copy of a copy of

00:45:03.059 --> 00:45:06.079
a copy of a VHS. And one of us had to like guard

00:45:06.079 --> 00:45:09.400
the door. So we were downstairs in like the den

00:45:09.400 --> 00:45:12.159
where the television was. And one guy had to

00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:14.579
stand up and try to watch by the doorway in case

00:45:14.579 --> 00:45:16.760
someone came in. So you could stop them from

00:45:16.760 --> 00:45:17.960
getting through the door and they could pop the

00:45:17.960 --> 00:45:20.139
tape out in time. But it was this lady. She blew

00:45:20.139 --> 00:45:22.599
a German Shepherd. Hell yeah. And she let like,

00:45:22.719 --> 00:45:25.699
I think she let a donkey fuck her and a couple

00:45:25.699 --> 00:45:27.210
other animals. I remember that German shepherd

00:45:27.210 --> 00:45:31.550
lady because she had nice tits. Really? Pull

00:45:31.550 --> 00:45:34.610
her up. Yeah, his dad. She won a Nobel Prize.

00:45:36.610 --> 00:45:39.690
Doggy style. Yeah, she went crazy. After she

00:45:39.690 --> 00:45:42.550
sucked a couple of dog dicks. What? Yeah, his

00:45:42.550 --> 00:45:45.289
dad won a Nobel Prize. Wow. Yeah, and then that

00:45:45.289 --> 00:45:48.309
was when I think a lot of people got freaked

00:45:48.309 --> 00:45:50.570
out about terrorism, seeing that. Like, oh, my

00:45:50.570 --> 00:45:53.329
God. They will cut your head off on video just

00:45:53.329 --> 00:45:55.489
to freak everybody out. It's not just killing

00:45:55.489 --> 00:45:57.590
people. It's like a very specific thing they're

00:45:57.590 --> 00:45:59.989
doing. Probably a great dog, though. That's the

00:45:59.989 --> 00:46:01.889
most chill dog in the world. Just fucking some

00:46:01.889 --> 00:46:04.409
hot blonde. We're going back and forth on stories.

00:46:04.429 --> 00:46:05.929
We got two combos going that are very different.

00:46:07.050 --> 00:46:09.309
I was still on the dog, the German Shepherd.

00:46:09.429 --> 00:46:11.010
No, I was on the guy getting his head cut off.

00:46:11.150 --> 00:46:13.170
I was like, wow, what cross wires are we on?

00:46:13.269 --> 00:46:15.449
It's funny if you change topics on Norman when

00:46:15.449 --> 00:46:17.510
he's in mid, like, I got tags, I got tags. Hold

00:46:17.510 --> 00:46:22.690
on. Oh, sorry. Boys, if a terrorist attack goes

00:46:22.690 --> 00:46:23.929
down, you know you're going to want to be here.

00:46:24.590 --> 00:46:26.110
I'm going to your house. Yeah, I'm going to be

00:46:26.110 --> 00:46:27.809
in your house. We're not going to let you in,

00:46:27.869 --> 00:46:29.469
dude. If I get in before you, I'm not going to

00:46:29.469 --> 00:46:31.389
let you in. What? There's so much room and food.

00:46:31.510 --> 00:46:34.130
We need to get a ranch. We need to get a ranch

00:46:34.130 --> 00:46:36.170
before everything goes sideways. You'll need

00:46:36.170 --> 00:46:38.429
me to offer a sacrifice. Like, guys, guys, I

00:46:38.429 --> 00:46:40.949
got one for you. Leave us alone. We'll get you

00:46:40.949 --> 00:46:43.030
one. You need a ranch with a well and a bunch

00:46:43.030 --> 00:46:45.829
of animals. You need a bunch of chickens. You

00:46:45.829 --> 00:46:48.289
need food and you need water. Chickens will always

00:46:48.289 --> 00:46:51.210
give you food. Chickens are easy. You get one

00:46:51.210 --> 00:46:54.579
egg almost every day from a chicken. Hey, that's

00:46:54.579 --> 00:46:56.440
pretty good. And if you have a dozen chickens,

00:46:56.619 --> 00:46:59.320
you have a dozen eggs a day. Or at least eight.

00:46:59.320 --> 00:47:01.679
Protein. At least eight or ten. So then you have,

00:47:01.760 --> 00:47:04.159
like, that's food. And then all the other food

00:47:04.159 --> 00:47:07.619
you get is a bonus, and you need water. And if

00:47:07.619 --> 00:47:09.840
things go sideways, that's real. You got a bunker?

00:47:10.420 --> 00:47:13.639
I have plans. I knew it. I knew it. I have some

00:47:13.639 --> 00:47:15.019
plans. I got a feeling you're not going to let

00:47:15.019 --> 00:47:16.780
me in. I will let you in 100%. You promise? Yeah,

00:47:16.840 --> 00:47:18.420
all you guys can come in. Whoa. Everybody can

00:47:18.420 --> 00:47:22.000
come in. Nice. I just wonder if you're preparing

00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:25.539
too late. Like, if shit goes down tomorrow, it's

00:47:25.539 --> 00:47:28.480
too late. Well, yeah, but... But what about those

00:47:28.480 --> 00:47:30.320
guys who built those bunkers in the 60s and then

00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:32.099
just like, ah, shit. You don't want a bunker.

00:47:32.159 --> 00:47:34.420
This is why. Because if it goes that bad, you

00:47:34.420 --> 00:47:35.519
don't want to be alive. You don't want to survive

00:47:35.519 --> 00:47:37.820
that. If a nuclear war happens, you don't want

00:47:37.820 --> 00:47:39.500
to be alive. They thought they'd wait it out

00:47:39.500 --> 00:47:41.989
five years. You're going to come out to hell.

00:47:42.409 --> 00:47:44.989
You're going to come out to hell, and the people

00:47:44.989 --> 00:47:47.070
that are going to be alive are going to be so

00:47:47.070 --> 00:47:49.030
dangerous. Yeah, you'll get out there and be

00:47:49.030 --> 00:47:50.510
like, hey, guys, I survived. Like, new slaves.

00:47:50.969 --> 00:47:55.030
They're going to eat you. They will 100 % eat

00:47:55.030 --> 00:47:57.809
you. You ever see The Road? Yes. The bleakest

00:47:57.809 --> 00:47:59.690
version of that. Brutal. But everybody knows

00:47:59.690 --> 00:48:01.369
that that's probably what would happen, at least

00:48:01.369 --> 00:48:02.969
in some parts of the world. That's why it's good

00:48:02.969 --> 00:48:04.630
there's a nuclear submarine off the coast of

00:48:04.630 --> 00:48:07.269
Miami. There's not just one. There's another

00:48:07.269 --> 00:48:09.670
boat, another Soviet boat that's out there, too.

00:48:10.170 --> 00:48:12.989
Yeah. Why don't we de -escalate? It'd be nice.

00:48:13.289 --> 00:48:15.269
It'd be a real good idea. Did you see Biden signed

00:48:15.269 --> 00:48:19.269
some 10 -year deal to keep supporting Ukraine

00:48:19.269 --> 00:48:21.269
for the next 10 years? I did see that. What are

00:48:21.269 --> 00:48:23.949
we doing? That's so crazy. That's a lot of money.

00:48:24.190 --> 00:48:27.130
But it's also, the whole thing is so crazy. All

00:48:27.130 --> 00:48:31.130
because his son worked there? Well, there's probably

00:48:31.130 --> 00:48:34.329
a lot of factors. That's the thing, right? Yeah.

00:48:35.309 --> 00:48:38.320
But that guy's, he's in court now. But there's

00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:41.440
a lot of other factors with like all the different.

00:48:41.860 --> 00:48:43.880
He'll be all right. I see a pardon coming. Yeah,

00:48:43.880 --> 00:48:46.019
I see a pardon coming. But we've got two politician

00:48:46.019 --> 00:48:48.179
guys in court. It's a wild time. There's just

00:48:48.179 --> 00:48:50.260
so many factors that are dangerous right now.

00:48:50.719 --> 00:48:53.579
Like Palestine, Ukraine. There's so many different

00:48:53.579 --> 00:48:55.760
places in the world where like things could pop

00:48:55.760 --> 00:48:59.679
off and go real bad at any moment. And like there's

00:48:59.679 --> 00:49:02.539
a steady clip of people dying. Oh, yeah. Steady

00:49:02.539 --> 00:49:04.500
clip of people dying in Ukraine. Steady clip.

00:49:04.659 --> 00:49:06.920
And at a certain point in time, if it gets to,

00:49:06.960 --> 00:49:09.860
like, how many people has Ukraine lost? Let's

00:49:09.860 --> 00:49:12.119
guess. How many soldiers? No one will tell us.

00:49:12.559 --> 00:49:15.940
What is the estimate of losses in Ukraine? A

00:49:15.940 --> 00:49:18.920
lot of, like, people went back. Athletes and

00:49:18.920 --> 00:49:20.860
stuff went back to fight. Really? A lot of them

00:49:20.860 --> 00:49:24.340
are dead. A lot of them are dead. Klitschko is

00:49:24.340 --> 00:49:27.139
fighting. Klitschko is still alive. Klitschko's

00:49:27.139 --> 00:49:28.219
not fighting anymore, but Lomachenko. No, no,

00:49:28.219 --> 00:49:29.800
no, I meant in the war. Like, they're still alive.

00:49:29.860 --> 00:49:31.860
Is he still in the war still? We would definitely

00:49:31.860 --> 00:49:33.719
know if they were dead. Oh, yeah, he's not dead.

00:49:33.800 --> 00:49:36.840
And Lomachenko, he went and joined back in the

00:49:36.840 --> 00:49:39.679
army. That's pretty sick. Yeah, animals. I mean,

00:49:39.719 --> 00:49:43.159
that's literally defending the homeland. How

00:49:43.159 --> 00:49:46.920
many people have died in Ukraine right now? The

00:49:46.920 --> 00:49:49.719
thing is, like, this keeps escalating, and Russia

00:49:49.719 --> 00:49:53.360
keeps losing people. MSNBC will tell you a million

00:49:53.360 --> 00:49:57.420
Russians have died and 20 Ukrainians. Tucker

00:49:57.420 --> 00:50:00.599
will tell you 10 billion Ukrainians, five Russians.

00:50:00.719 --> 00:50:04.480
No one knows. Yeah. Well, be careful. Isn't it

00:50:04.480 --> 00:50:08.539
weird how the liberals are in support of this

00:50:08.539 --> 00:50:11.559
war? It's all flipped. It's so weird. It's very

00:50:11.559 --> 00:50:14.119
strange. But it's a lesson that everybody needs

00:50:14.119 --> 00:50:16.039
to know. It's not about left or right. It's all

00:50:16.039 --> 00:50:18.820
bullshit. It's about people in control. And people

00:50:18.820 --> 00:50:20.940
in control, they use all kinds of different methods

00:50:20.940 --> 00:50:24.320
to stay in control. And supporting war is one

00:50:24.320 --> 00:50:27.119
of them. Supporting war. They just try to do

00:50:27.119 --> 00:50:28.579
it from the left or they try to do it from the

00:50:28.579 --> 00:50:31.719
right. But it used to be it was the right wings

00:50:31.719 --> 00:50:33.340
that were the warmongers, the left wing guys

00:50:33.340 --> 00:50:35.840
were the pussy mongers. Right. Right? That's

00:50:35.840 --> 00:50:37.460
what it was. It's like Clinton was a pussy hound,

00:50:37.559 --> 00:50:40.260
Bush was a warmonger. And blue collar was left.

00:50:40.579 --> 00:50:43.000
Right. And now blue collar's all right. Right.

00:50:43.199 --> 00:50:46.139
It's a wacky time. Right. Blue collar meant like

00:50:46.139 --> 00:50:49.820
working class, normal Americans. Yeah. The South

00:50:49.820 --> 00:50:51.960
was Democrat. Forever. And also, the conservatives

00:50:51.960 --> 00:50:53.559
are like, fuck Russia, we gotta fight against,

00:50:53.659 --> 00:50:57.590
but then it's like, what's he saying here? Fact

00:50:57.590 --> 00:50:59.530
check cannot verify these numbers, and Ukraine

00:50:59.530 --> 00:51:01.630
treats the number of military deaths as a state

00:51:01.630 --> 00:51:03.610
secret, so the total is not officially known.

00:51:04.010 --> 00:51:06.829
Okay, the deaths of nearly 25 Ukrainian soldiers

00:51:06.829 --> 00:51:09.550
since the invasion. Oh, this is in November of

00:51:09.550 --> 00:51:12.630
2023. This is a while ago. Jesus. 25 ,000 Ukrainian

00:51:12.630 --> 00:51:15.630
soldiers since the invasion began by using open

00:51:15.630 --> 00:51:18.309
sources and put the total toll at more than 30

00:51:18.309 --> 00:51:21.539
,000. You got to get Zelensky on. He's a star

00:51:21.539 --> 00:51:24.059
fucker. He would do it. Why would I do that?

00:51:24.059 --> 00:51:25.739
He's hanging out with Cate Blanchett. Do you

00:51:25.739 --> 00:51:27.860
think I really want to have a guy in the middle

00:51:27.860 --> 00:51:33.679
of that? Like, dude, where's the money going?

00:51:34.480 --> 00:51:37.800
Is any of it going sideways? Is there any real

00:51:37.800 --> 00:51:39.500
accounting? For sure, some is going sideways.

00:51:39.699 --> 00:51:41.699
You're dealing with regular people passing it

00:51:41.699 --> 00:51:44.619
on. Aren't they using their farmland as loans?

00:51:45.400 --> 00:51:47.260
Aren't we just buying all their farm? Is that

00:51:47.260 --> 00:51:50.019
what it is? I think so. Jesus Christ. We'll see.

00:51:50.139 --> 00:51:52.280
Because they're wheat. Yeah, the bread basket,

00:51:52.320 --> 00:51:54.179
baby. You're pretending that we know agriculture.

00:51:54.179 --> 00:51:56.300
I don't know anything. They started talking.

00:51:56.380 --> 00:51:58.300
I read a headline. Good for you. What do you

00:51:58.300 --> 00:52:01.940
mean the farms? Ukraine is the bread basket of

00:52:01.940 --> 00:52:04.039
the world. What, like wheat? Yeah, they make

00:52:04.039 --> 00:52:07.239
a lot of wheat. We should stop eating that shit

00:52:07.239 --> 00:52:09.260
anyway. They had all that farmland, and then

00:52:09.260 --> 00:52:12.880
they got starved by the Soviets. Whoa. Take over

00:52:12.880 --> 00:52:16.570
Ukraine's agricultural land. Yikes. A new report

00:52:16.570 --> 00:52:18.610
exposes the stealth takeover of agricultural

00:52:18.610 --> 00:52:20.289
land. This is from February 21, 2023. Me and

00:52:20.289 --> 00:52:22.889
the Oakland Institute are on the same page. Wow.

00:52:24.110 --> 00:52:26.429
It's always about something else. It's always

00:52:26.429 --> 00:52:28.510
about something else. There was that point when

00:52:28.510 --> 00:52:31.469
we pulled out of Syria and Trump was doing a

00:52:31.469 --> 00:52:33.349
press conference and he goes, like, I don't think

00:52:33.349 --> 00:52:34.510
it's supposed to work. He goes, don't worry.

00:52:34.610 --> 00:52:36.429
We got the oil. We got the oil. Don't worry about

00:52:36.429 --> 00:52:38.469
that. Like, he just said it out loud at a press

00:52:38.469 --> 00:52:40.010
conference. I was like, wait, I thought it was

00:52:40.010 --> 00:52:43.409
human rights. And it was just like, no. It's

00:52:43.409 --> 00:52:45.329
like when your girlfriend's mad at you. It's

00:52:45.329 --> 00:52:48.369
always something else. That's War is a Racket.

00:52:48.369 --> 00:52:52.190
That's that Smedley Butler book. 1933, this dude

00:52:52.190 --> 00:52:55.650
retired. He was in the military his whole life

00:52:55.650 --> 00:52:59.019
and wrote this book called War is a Racket. It's

00:52:59.019 --> 00:53:00.619
all just about what he thought he was doing and

00:53:00.619 --> 00:53:03.119
what it actually wound up being. Ukraine is the

00:53:03.119 --> 00:53:05.179
breadbasket of Europe, producing one of the highest

00:53:05.179 --> 00:53:07.599
wheat yields in the world, but deep tillage and

00:53:07.599 --> 00:53:10.159
poor soil management has left its farmlands a

00:53:10.159 --> 00:53:12.699
heavily degraded state. But Monsanto will take

00:53:12.699 --> 00:53:17.139
care of that. Because of the poor state of Ukraine's

00:53:17.139 --> 00:53:19.559
agricultural land, a shift to regenerative agriculture

00:53:19.559 --> 00:53:25.369
has immense carbon sequestration. No, none of

00:53:25.369 --> 00:53:27.409
us know what that means. Yeah, sequestering carbon

00:53:27.409 --> 00:53:29.710
in the soil means like instead of like sequestering

00:53:29.710 --> 00:53:33.210
like horses leaving a lot of shit in the air,

00:53:33.289 --> 00:53:36.010
the soil actually retains it and they get like

00:53:36.010 --> 00:53:39.769
zero carbon footprint farms and regenerative

00:53:39.769 --> 00:53:42.449
agriculture. It's like polyface farms does that.

00:53:45.980 --> 00:53:47.820
What was the other one? White Oaks Pastures does

00:53:47.820 --> 00:53:49.840
that. There's a few of them. And what they do

00:53:49.840 --> 00:53:53.460
is they let... The problem is not farming. The

00:53:53.460 --> 00:53:55.719
problem is farming the way we do it, where you

00:53:55.719 --> 00:53:59.559
have one giant field of one crop and all these

00:53:59.559 --> 00:54:01.900
animals in a pen and all these chickens in a

00:54:01.900 --> 00:54:04.239
box. That's not how nature wants you to do it.

00:54:04.420 --> 00:54:05.840
Yikes. And if you do it that way, you need a

00:54:05.840 --> 00:54:08.179
bunch of chemicals. And that's how we do it.

00:54:08.300 --> 00:54:11.320
Is that Black Rock? Black Rock's definitely buying

00:54:11.320 --> 00:54:14.699
that land. Oh, really? In Ukraine, I would imagine.

00:54:14.780 --> 00:54:16.760
They're buying everything. Good name for crack.

00:54:16.760 --> 00:54:18.099
They're just trying to make money. Black rock.

00:54:18.780 --> 00:54:20.820
They're trying to make money. True. Any way they

00:54:20.820 --> 00:54:22.539
can. They've got a bunch of billionaires invested

00:54:22.539 --> 00:54:24.619
in them. And they're like, come on. Let's see

00:54:24.619 --> 00:54:26.639
some returns, boys. Let's buy everyone's house.

00:54:26.679 --> 00:54:28.199
That's that game. They're playing that game.

00:54:28.860 --> 00:54:30.539
They're playing the let's see some returns game.

00:54:31.320 --> 00:54:34.980
Yeesh. Yeah. And meanwhile. Two wars. People

00:54:34.980 --> 00:54:36.960
are dying. And you're trying to protect parks,

00:54:36.960 --> 00:54:39.679
you fucking dumbass. You should protect fucking

00:54:39.679 --> 00:54:42.820
Israel. You need to protect Israel. How many

00:54:42.820 --> 00:54:44.340
parks do you think we protected with this podcast?

00:54:45.360 --> 00:54:47.900
We did the one in Austin. They tried. They fought

00:54:47.900 --> 00:54:50.099
back. They saved it. Do you think we had anything

00:54:50.099 --> 00:54:53.190
to do with that? No. No. Good point. Yeah, I

00:54:53.190 --> 00:54:54.789
think anyone protecting a park would actually

00:54:54.789 --> 00:54:58.409
hate the fuck out of us. Probably. If you're

00:54:58.409 --> 00:55:00.429
out protecting a park, you're like, that is fucking

00:55:00.429 --> 00:55:02.489
racist. I did get some of the other day. They

00:55:02.489 --> 00:55:03.929
were like, hey, man, I used to play tenants under

00:55:03.929 --> 00:55:05.369
the Williamsburg Bridge all the time. I appreciate

00:55:05.369 --> 00:55:08.570
what you tried to do. Whoa. Really? That's cool.

00:55:08.750 --> 00:55:12.730
Where'd you kiss him? At a simp convention. I

00:55:12.730 --> 00:55:14.510
had him send money. He had me send him money.

00:55:14.670 --> 00:55:16.869
Some gay guy kissing under a bridge. Remember

00:55:16.869 --> 00:55:23.389
when there was a park here? Who bought it? How

00:55:23.389 --> 00:55:25.489
did they sell it? How did they steal the park?

00:55:25.750 --> 00:55:29.550
They said they have to change it up instead of

00:55:29.550 --> 00:55:31.409
having homeless guys sleep around all day. There

00:55:31.409 --> 00:55:32.510
was no homeless guys there. It wasn't there.

00:55:32.650 --> 00:55:34.150
Of course, yeah. It's the one park in America

00:55:34.150 --> 00:55:35.789
without 40 homeless guys. It was by the river.

00:55:35.889 --> 00:55:39.070
It was a different thing. Yeah, and so they're

00:55:39.070 --> 00:55:41.210
just fixing it with public funds. And then they'll

00:55:41.210 --> 00:55:44.230
sell it off when the public funds run out. Then

00:55:44.230 --> 00:55:45.710
they'll build the high -rises of the prisoners.

00:55:46.150 --> 00:55:49.170
Parker Brothers. Yeah. So it's just like a slow

00:55:49.170 --> 00:55:53.630
theft. Yeah. It was like 3 ,000 trees they cut

00:55:53.630 --> 00:55:56.730
down. Oh. Yeah, it's not a little park. It's

00:55:56.730 --> 00:56:00.090
massive. It's massive. It was the best place

00:56:00.090 --> 00:56:02.750
to record it. Remember that amphitheater you

00:56:02.750 --> 00:56:04.210
ever performed in? How is that okay? Who signed

00:56:04.210 --> 00:56:05.570
off on that? That thing outside the amphitheater?

00:56:05.710 --> 00:56:08.070
Yeah, that's gone now. Is that gone? Yep. Good,

00:56:08.090 --> 00:56:11.409
I hated that. I bombed there. Fuck that place.

00:56:11.449 --> 00:56:14.369
Good, fuck that. Who signed off on that? De Blasio

00:56:14.369 --> 00:56:17.829
and Carlina Rivera. Wow. I feel like you don't

00:56:17.829 --> 00:56:18.750
know what the fuck you're talking about. No,

00:56:18.769 --> 00:56:21.389
I do. Fuck parks. On this one. You know names

00:56:21.389 --> 00:56:23.909
and shit. He knows how to protect the park, I'll

00:56:23.909 --> 00:56:25.989
tell you that. I don't know if he does. I just

00:56:25.989 --> 00:56:28.530
wore a shirt. That's all I was trying to say.

00:56:28.550 --> 00:56:30.349
Protect the parks, man. That's all you need.

00:56:30.409 --> 00:56:33.070
You hurt the movement. You did. You're the worst

00:56:33.070 --> 00:56:35.309
guy to be the fucking spokesman. I really am.

00:56:35.469 --> 00:56:37.929
I know nothing about anything. I just read one

00:56:37.929 --> 00:56:39.409
headline. I'm like, no, guys, it's important.

00:56:39.690 --> 00:56:41.409
You got to recycle. Well, if it wasn't for Teddy

00:56:41.409 --> 00:56:44.610
Roosevelt making national parks, who knows what

00:56:44.610 --> 00:56:46.889
they would have done with Yosemite and Yellowstone.

00:56:46.989 --> 00:56:49.340
Torn it up for sure. Yeah, they would turn all

00:56:49.340 --> 00:56:51.800
those fucking beautiful places into condos. Bass

00:56:51.800 --> 00:56:55.360
Pro Shop would go on half -dome. Fucking Chick

00:56:55.360 --> 00:56:57.719
-fil -A. Central Park would not exist. Yeah,

00:56:57.739 --> 00:56:59.980
it would have been gone a long time. It's amazing

00:56:59.980 --> 00:57:02.340
they killed that park, though. It's amazing that

00:57:02.340 --> 00:57:03.880
people let them kill your park. They say they

00:57:03.880 --> 00:57:06.219
got to redo it in case there's flooding. I think,

00:57:06.219 --> 00:57:07.639
didn't they have to redo it? In case there's

00:57:07.639 --> 00:57:11.039
flooding? Let's kill 3 ,000 fucking trees. Didn't

00:57:11.039 --> 00:57:12.699
they have to kill a black neighborhood to make

00:57:12.699 --> 00:57:15.119
a park? We need to protect neighborhoods. Well,

00:57:15.199 --> 00:57:16.300
that's not so bad. Why did they do that? No,

00:57:16.300 --> 00:57:19.079
this was across the park. Oh, really? Oh, they

00:57:19.079 --> 00:57:21.019
did. Yeah, that's right. They took over a whole

00:57:21.019 --> 00:57:22.659
neighborhood? I think they had to tear down some

00:57:22.659 --> 00:57:24.739
black and immigrant neighborhoods. Oh, they definitely

00:57:24.739 --> 00:57:26.460
did that for Dodger Stadium. To make all of Central

00:57:26.460 --> 00:57:29.619
Park? Probably the upper half. Wow. I thought

00:57:29.619 --> 00:57:30.880
it was already... Actually, probably the lower

00:57:30.880 --> 00:57:34.440
half. It was small back then. Oh, it was in Hooverville?

00:57:34.500 --> 00:57:36.599
Get rid of those motherfuckers, dude. Get rid

00:57:36.599 --> 00:57:38.400
of those motherfuckers. Shantytowns built during

00:57:38.400 --> 00:57:41.079
the Great Depression by homelessness. Yeah, just

00:57:41.079 --> 00:57:44.489
homeless vets. Wow. Clear them out. So they cleared

00:57:44.489 --> 00:57:48.690
those folks out. No, it was before that. Wow.

00:57:49.050 --> 00:57:51.690
Whoa, look at that. Central Park is amazing.

00:57:52.050 --> 00:57:54.409
Every time I'm in New York and I get a hotel

00:57:54.409 --> 00:57:57.750
that overlooks it, I'm like, God damn. I walk

00:57:57.750 --> 00:57:59.909
around there. It's incredible. It's all we got

00:57:59.909 --> 00:58:02.210
for trees. How sketchy is it, though? No, it's

00:58:02.210 --> 00:58:04.550
not. It's not bad. It's all changed. When did

00:58:04.550 --> 00:58:08.239
it change? In the 90s or something. When I moved

00:58:08.239 --> 00:58:09.900
to New York, I was worried about it. And Neil

00:58:09.900 --> 00:58:11.420
Brennan was like, I don't know if they have bars

00:58:11.420 --> 00:58:13.380
on my windows. He goes, bro, look at the stats.

00:58:13.539 --> 00:58:15.619
You're talking about an old New York. But I'm

00:58:15.619 --> 00:58:17.219
talking about now with the immigrant crisis.

00:58:18.360 --> 00:58:20.179
Are they in Central Park? I feel like you don't

00:58:20.179 --> 00:58:22.119
see it. I feel like you don't see it in New York,

00:58:22.139 --> 00:58:24.239
the immigrant thing. Oh, they're out there. I

00:58:24.239 --> 00:58:26.920
know that live there. Tell me that you see a

00:58:26.920 --> 00:58:28.340
big difference. They're usually dressed like

00:58:28.340 --> 00:58:31.650
fucking Elmo. Like Elmo? No, that's true. What

00:58:31.650 --> 00:58:34.269
do you mean, Elmo? They're in fucking Times Square

00:58:34.269 --> 00:58:35.969
dressed like a fucking Sesame character. Oh,

00:58:35.969 --> 00:58:37.969
trying to make money. Every now and then you

00:58:37.969 --> 00:58:39.309
catch that helmet coming off and you're like,

00:58:39.349 --> 00:58:41.289
hey, that's fucking Carlos. Holy shit. I saw

00:58:41.289 --> 00:58:43.170
a picture at Disneyland where someone caught

00:58:43.170 --> 00:58:45.250
Minnie Mouse taking a cigarette break and it's

00:58:45.250 --> 00:58:47.530
this Mexican dude with a mustache. Oh, boy. Oh,

00:58:47.530 --> 00:58:50.170
boy. Kids are screaming. He's got a mustache.

00:58:50.269 --> 00:58:52.190
He's fucking taking a cigarette break. The kid's

00:58:52.190 --> 00:58:55.170
like, what the fuck? Minnie's a dude. That's

00:58:55.170 --> 00:58:56.550
a good way to cross the border. Nobody's going

00:58:56.550 --> 00:58:59.899
to stop Pokemon. They're like, no! Pikachu. A

00:58:59.899 --> 00:59:01.920
lot of them are Uber Eats drivers. That's like

00:59:01.920 --> 00:59:04.239
a big one. That's a big one. You can be an Uber

00:59:04.239 --> 00:59:06.440
Eats driver and you don't have to have any kind

00:59:06.440 --> 00:59:10.420
of license? No, nothing. You drive a Vespa on

00:59:10.420 --> 00:59:13.099
a fucking sidewalk, an electric one that's silent.

00:59:13.260 --> 00:59:15.460
That's right. They sneak up on you when you're

00:59:15.460 --> 00:59:16.780
driving a bike and you're like, I think I'm all

00:59:16.780 --> 00:59:18.579
clear, and then they're just on you. I thought

00:59:18.579 --> 00:59:20.179
of a video for the group, dude. You guys are

00:59:20.179 --> 00:59:22.559
going to like it. Yeah, it's wild out there.

00:59:24.440 --> 00:59:26.480
Those poor guys, though, those poor Mexican guys

00:59:26.480 --> 00:59:28.860
are on a bike in the winter. Oh, yeah. And everybody's

00:59:28.860 --> 00:59:30.559
at home, you know, in the snowstorm. Anytime

00:59:30.559 --> 00:59:32.539
it rains, they're like, Mexicans, come bring

00:59:32.539 --> 00:59:34.599
me my food. I don't want to go out in this. I

00:59:34.599 --> 00:59:35.960
don't want to go two doors down. Bring me that

00:59:35.960 --> 00:59:38.900
chicken parm. Well, for them, it's either that

00:59:38.900 --> 00:59:41.539
or be under the grip of the cartel. Hey, what

00:59:41.539 --> 00:59:43.940
about that president, the lady? Yeah, crazy.

00:59:44.199 --> 00:59:47.050
What? 20 people or 20 people died to get to her?

00:59:47.190 --> 00:59:48.849
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I only read half

00:59:48.849 --> 00:59:51.630
an article. 37 people were assassinated during

00:59:51.630 --> 00:59:54.409
the general elections all throughout Mexico.

00:59:54.710 --> 00:59:57.090
See, we're not so bad. Yeah, so it's all sorts

00:59:57.090 --> 00:59:59.750
of different roles. City councilor, mayor, this,

00:59:59.869 --> 01:00:03.329
that. So during the elections, 37 people got

01:00:03.329 --> 01:00:06.510
assassinated. Assassinated. Wow. Not like suicides.

01:00:06.510 --> 01:00:09.369
Shot. Our president just died naturally. Biden's

01:00:09.369 --> 01:00:11.489
on the way out. In office. He'll kick it. He's

01:00:11.489 --> 01:00:14.260
running again. When's the last time you had a

01:00:14.260 --> 01:00:16.400
president die in office? Not of assassination.

01:00:17.460 --> 01:00:18.820
That's a good question. I don't think it's ever

01:00:18.820 --> 01:00:22.579
happened. The guy with the pneumonia. Oh, that

01:00:22.579 --> 01:00:25.820
got everybody. It wasn't Harrison. Grover Cleveland?

01:00:26.589 --> 01:00:31.070
No. Taft was fat. Taft was a big dog. Big dog.

01:00:31.449 --> 01:00:33.309
There's something about Taft that's fat. Taft

01:00:33.309 --> 01:00:37.650
was fat. Taffy Taffy. Now he looks like a normal

01:00:37.650 --> 01:00:39.949
guy. What do you think the odds are of Biden

01:00:39.949 --> 01:00:42.789
making it to November? Just chubby. What do you

01:00:42.789 --> 01:00:44.489
think the odds are of Biden still being on the

01:00:44.489 --> 01:00:46.769
ticket in November? He's not coming off the ticket,

01:00:46.829 --> 01:00:48.070
is he? They're going to slide someone in. They

01:00:48.070 --> 01:00:50.050
should have done that already. I feel like...

01:00:50.050 --> 01:00:52.309
They would have done that by now. I don't know

01:00:52.309 --> 01:00:55.039
if they can keep this up. This has been some

01:00:55.039 --> 01:00:57.400
latest ones, some latest gaffes. What are you

01:00:57.400 --> 01:00:58.860
doing over there, buddy? I'm just trying to find

01:00:58.860 --> 01:01:00.219
this bull hitting this lady that you're going

01:01:00.219 --> 01:01:02.619
to like. General Gaffes. Oh, I sent it to you

01:01:02.619 --> 01:01:04.840
guys. The one that got loose? Yeah. All right,

01:01:04.880 --> 01:01:06.920
sorry, I'll stop doing it. And it's like, I'm

01:01:06.920 --> 01:01:09.539
proud to be an American. Oh, well, frankly, that's

01:01:09.539 --> 01:01:11.119
what we knew was going to go. The song's playing.

01:01:11.199 --> 01:01:15.440
Well, I'm proud to be in America, where at least

01:01:15.440 --> 01:01:18.940
I know I'm free. And the bull jumps over the

01:01:18.940 --> 01:01:20.380
fucking gates. Send it to the group, Jeff. Send

01:01:20.380 --> 01:01:21.940
it to the group. And starts smashing people.

01:01:22.199 --> 01:01:24.159
They picked up that lady and just kept bobbing

01:01:24.159 --> 01:01:25.940
her. Just crushed a lady that was just standing

01:01:25.940 --> 01:01:28.360
there. And I proudly stand up. She's like, I

01:01:28.360 --> 01:01:32.760
got my nachos. She's wearing a red shirt. I thought

01:01:32.760 --> 01:01:35.699
it was fine. I completely forgot what I was Googling.

01:01:35.800 --> 01:01:38.579
What was I Googling? Uh -oh. Dementia. Who was

01:01:38.579 --> 01:01:40.159
the president that died of pneumonia, given his

01:01:40.159 --> 01:01:44.340
inauguration speech? Reagan. Harding? Harrison.

01:01:44.820 --> 01:01:46.179
I don't know why I'm saying Harrison. Harrison

01:01:46.179 --> 01:01:50.039
was 1841, 1868. This is natural causes. 1923

01:01:50.039 --> 01:01:53.000
and 45 were the ones. Did he die in office? Harrison,

01:01:53.059 --> 01:01:55.460
Taylor, Harding, and Roosevelt all died in office,

01:01:55.500 --> 01:01:57.420
not assassinated. I think Harrison was the one

01:01:57.420 --> 01:01:59.280
who gave a speech. He was like, I'm going to

01:01:59.280 --> 01:02:02.010
show everyone. It was like 30 degrees and raining,

01:02:02.070 --> 01:02:04.949
and he fucking died. Whoa. It was like a two

01:02:04.949 --> 01:02:08.469
-hour inaugural speech. Whoa. They had long speeches

01:02:08.469 --> 01:02:09.650
with those presidents. Maybe he wanted to die.

01:02:09.929 --> 01:02:12.110
If you lived in 1841 and there was no medicine,

01:02:12.329 --> 01:02:14.429
you might want to die, too. Those guys would

01:02:14.429 --> 01:02:16.849
always give, like, three -hour speeches and get

01:02:16.849 --> 01:02:20.389
shot. Not Joey. They'd get shot. Didn't Lincoln

01:02:20.389 --> 01:02:21.989
give, like, when they were doing debates, he

01:02:21.989 --> 01:02:23.550
did, like, six -hour debates publicly? Yeah,

01:02:23.610 --> 01:02:24.929
Lincoln -Douglas debates. He's like Chappelle.

01:02:25.309 --> 01:02:28.480
Yeah. They're really trying to hash it out. One

01:02:28.480 --> 01:02:30.179
month in office, caught a cold, developed pneumonia.

01:02:30.679 --> 01:02:33.500
April 4th, 1841, he died. First president died

01:02:33.500 --> 01:02:35.480
in office. Those were the days. They never had

01:02:35.480 --> 01:02:37.320
an emergency back then. With him died the Whig

01:02:37.320 --> 01:02:39.599
program. What's the Whig program? The Whig party,

01:02:39.880 --> 01:02:42.579
yeah. What's that? The Whigs was Democrats, Republicans,

01:02:42.699 --> 01:02:45.519
and Whigs. Whig or please? What? The Whigs, were

01:02:45.519 --> 01:02:47.159
they the know -nothing party also? I think so.

01:02:47.320 --> 01:02:51.300
Whatever. Who cares? Jamie, fire up that bull

01:02:51.300 --> 01:02:53.869
hitting that fucking lady. Yeah. Did you see

01:02:53.869 --> 01:02:55.530
that Karen going after that black dude in the

01:02:55.530 --> 01:02:57.949
ghetto? The who? What happened? Some black dude,

01:02:58.030 --> 01:03:00.489
like ghetto -ish black dude who's like burgering

01:03:00.489 --> 01:03:02.670
up or whatever on his front lawn in some Karen's

01:03:02.670 --> 01:03:03.789
like, you know, you know, I'm getting out of

01:03:03.789 --> 01:03:05.789
this neighborhood. And he goes, get that fucking

01:03:05.789 --> 01:03:08.289
camera off my face. And she goes, it's my constitutional

01:03:08.289 --> 01:03:10.329
right to film. And he just goes and punches her.

01:03:10.670 --> 01:03:14.739
Really? Yeah. Whoa. That's pretty funny. Holy

01:03:14.739 --> 01:03:17.719
shit. There it is. So this is the bull out. Oh,

01:03:17.719 --> 01:03:21.219
move, lady. He's got her on the hook. Oh, my

01:03:21.219 --> 01:03:23.739
gosh. Bro, she's doomed. You can see the thong.

01:03:23.920 --> 01:03:26.039
Oh, that guy's filming and then decides I shouldn't

01:03:26.039 --> 01:03:27.360
help her. When the rodeo bull escaped the ring

01:03:27.360 --> 01:03:29.820
during the sister's rodeo. But if you see the

01:03:29.820 --> 01:03:32.119
escape, the escape is what's exciting. She's

01:03:32.119 --> 01:03:34.760
just talking to her friend. Red bull. Yeah. When

01:03:34.760 --> 01:03:36.400
it first got out. Good for the bull. See, get

01:03:36.400 --> 01:03:39.360
it when it first got out. That poor lady is sad.

01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:42.219
Yes. But what makes me laugh is when. I'm proud

01:03:42.219 --> 01:03:44.639
to be an American where at least I know I'm free.

01:03:45.239 --> 01:03:50.079
Wait, that was just actually playing? That wasn't

01:03:50.079 --> 01:03:57.119
dubbed in? Actually playing. Oh, Morgan. I don't

01:03:57.119 --> 01:03:58.880
want to hear these people yapping. There's a

01:03:58.880 --> 01:04:00.960
video where it just shows the bull doing it.

01:04:01.039 --> 01:04:03.039
It's harder to find the actual video you want

01:04:03.039 --> 01:04:05.039
once, like, I'm just Googling, you know, bull

01:04:05.039 --> 01:04:06.820
escaping. I can see that too. All the clips and

01:04:06.820 --> 01:04:10.019
everything. The bull escaping has a shocking

01:04:10.019 --> 01:04:12.440
video. There it is, right here. Give me some

01:04:12.440 --> 01:04:16.780
volume. He's got a plan. Start it from the beginning.

01:04:16.880 --> 01:04:26.730
Oh! Oh! Oh, shit! Wait, wait. There's a great

01:04:26.730 --> 01:04:28.969
what the fuck. Listen for the what the fuck.

01:04:32.309 --> 01:04:37.670
Oh, she's wearing a red shirt. You're right.

01:04:39.809 --> 01:04:42.389
Oh, that was it. I didn't know it was crushing

01:04:42.389 --> 01:04:45.690
other dudes. Oh, yeah. He ran around for a while.

01:04:45.730 --> 01:04:50.289
Oh, my God. What the fuck? What the fuck? Damn.

01:04:50.710 --> 01:04:53.269
Goddamn. She's like, oh, no line at concessions.

01:04:54.139 --> 01:04:56.440
It's just hilarious that that's a song that's

01:04:56.440 --> 01:04:59.500
playing. Yeah. I'm proud to be in America where

01:04:59.500 --> 01:05:03.860
at least I know I'm free. The bull got excited

01:05:03.860 --> 01:05:09.699
like it was the Rocky theme. I'm fucking going

01:05:09.699 --> 01:05:11.280
for it. He got out. He was like, where's that

01:05:11.280 --> 01:05:14.139
bitch at? His name was Party Bus. Party Bus.

01:05:14.139 --> 01:05:17.780
The bull's called Party Bus. Oh, my God. That

01:05:17.780 --> 01:05:21.170
was in Oregon. You know, Oregon is all like a

01:05:21.170 --> 01:05:23.809
red state and then Portland. Yeah, yeah. And

01:05:23.809 --> 01:05:28.030
Eugene. Capital lesbians. The rest of it's like

01:05:28.030 --> 01:05:30.550
rural hunters and shit. That's most of America.

01:05:30.969 --> 01:05:32.750
Washington. Colorado's like that, too. Louisiana.

01:05:33.909 --> 01:05:36.449
Colorado's like that, but these places, the cities

01:05:36.449 --> 01:05:40.210
get so populated that they just overwhelm voting.

01:05:40.389 --> 01:05:43.170
In Colorado, they just reintroduce wolves, and

01:05:43.170 --> 01:05:45.130
the ranchers are like, what are you doing? Wait,

01:05:45.210 --> 01:05:46.469
wait, wait. What do you mean reintroduce wolves?

01:05:46.469 --> 01:05:48.349
They reintroduce wolves. They released wolves

01:05:48.349 --> 01:05:52.940
in Colorado for the first time. Wolves used to

01:05:52.940 --> 01:05:54.320
live all over the place. We killed them because

01:05:54.320 --> 01:05:56.539
they're a real problem. Yeah, we used to be all

01:05:56.539 --> 01:05:58.599
over the place, too. We killed those. Get out

01:05:58.599 --> 01:06:00.440
of here. Yeah, but the wolves are a real problem.

01:06:00.559 --> 01:06:02.639
They kill kids. They kill people. They kill dogs.

01:06:02.880 --> 01:06:04.840
They kill all your livestock. If you don't control

01:06:04.840 --> 01:06:06.579
the population of them, they're fucking dangerous.

01:06:07.219 --> 01:06:10.099
The Soviet Union and Germany had a ceasefire

01:06:10.099 --> 01:06:13.650
in World War I to kill wolves. Let's both work

01:06:13.650 --> 01:06:16.210
on this. Yes. They were in the middle of killing

01:06:16.210 --> 01:06:18.429
each other, and their wolves were killing so

01:06:18.429 --> 01:06:21.469
many people, they decided to have a fucking ceasefire,

01:06:21.610 --> 01:06:24.349
and then they killed wolves together, and then

01:06:24.349 --> 01:06:25.909
they went back to killing each other. Damn, it's

01:06:25.909 --> 01:06:28.469
like Walking Dead. Yeah. Or Palestine. That's

01:06:28.469 --> 01:06:31.110
how scary wolves are. And these fucking jackasses

01:06:31.110 --> 01:06:34.110
just released them into Colorado. Because they're

01:06:34.110 --> 01:06:36.789
amazing. Because if you live in some beautiful

01:06:36.789 --> 01:06:39.369
neighborhood with cement streets, you don't have

01:06:39.369 --> 01:06:41.070
to think about that. There should be wolves.

01:06:41.230 --> 01:06:43.269
There should be wolves. Wolves are incredible.

01:06:43.489 --> 01:06:45.230
But you don't even know what a wolf is. That's

01:06:45.230 --> 01:06:47.010
Little Red Riding Hood. That shit's real. There's

01:06:47.010 --> 01:06:48.889
a reason why that was in every little kid's book.

01:06:49.070 --> 01:06:52.900
Because they ate people. They ate people. Wolves

01:06:52.900 --> 01:06:55.019
ate people. They ate dogs. So it's an allegory

01:06:55.019 --> 01:06:57.380
to say stay away from them? Yeah, they're fucking

01:06:57.380 --> 01:07:01.420
dangerous. Wolves are fucking dangerous, man.

01:07:01.840 --> 01:07:03.539
Gators aren't going anywhere. I had a friend

01:07:03.539 --> 01:07:07.260
that got surrounded by wolves. He killed an elk,

01:07:07.400 --> 01:07:10.860
and the elk where the elk died was like right

01:07:10.860 --> 01:07:13.659
next to the wolves' den. And so they went to

01:07:13.659 --> 01:07:15.860
retrieve the elk, and the wolves started circling

01:07:15.860 --> 01:07:18.340
them. He told my friend John Dudley. He killed

01:07:18.340 --> 01:07:20.440
two of them with a bow and arrow, and his friend

01:07:20.440 --> 01:07:22.239
killed one of them with a rifle. The wolves kept

01:07:22.239 --> 01:07:26.320
rushing them. Dudley Moore. Just imagine. So

01:07:26.320 --> 01:07:28.500
what'd he do? He killed them. He killed two of

01:07:28.500 --> 01:07:30.559
them, and his friend killed one. And then they

01:07:30.559 --> 01:07:33.900
fucking ran off, because wolves... Luckily don't

01:07:33.900 --> 01:07:35.780
have an understanding of how many rounds someone

01:07:35.780 --> 01:07:38.340
has and a rifle Because they were out of bullets

01:07:38.340 --> 01:07:40.940
and he had like one arrow left and there was

01:07:40.940 --> 01:07:42.840
like ten wolves and they killed three of them

01:07:42.840 --> 01:07:48.719
That's a bad way to go bro It got real close

01:07:48.719 --> 01:07:50.940
like they were running at them and they were

01:07:50.940 --> 01:07:52.760
shooting him Promo the wolf is you got one in

01:07:52.760 --> 01:07:54.519
your sights and there's another one behind you.

01:07:54.559 --> 01:07:57.920
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah They're clever there. Well,

01:07:57.940 --> 01:07:59.199
they what they did was I stood there back to

01:07:59.199 --> 01:08:02.739
a tree Yeah, and so they're like literally standing

01:08:02.739 --> 01:08:04.940
with the old tree back. We got to get rid of

01:08:04.940 --> 01:08:10.239
these trees. Bark. Bark Norman. That's the real

01:08:10.239 --> 01:08:12.219
reason for the park being down. They're going

01:08:12.219 --> 01:08:15.960
to reintroduce wolves in New York City. Did you

01:08:15.960 --> 01:08:17.539
imagine that running all through the West Village?

01:08:17.579 --> 01:08:19.840
You can't climb trees. That's actually a good

01:08:19.840 --> 01:08:22.520
battle. All the bums versus the fucking wolves.

01:08:22.659 --> 01:08:24.460
Oh, that's not bad. Listen, if the immigrant

01:08:24.460 --> 01:08:26.979
population gets too dense, that's a movie. That's

01:08:26.979 --> 01:08:28.359
pretty much a coliseum, right? They would take

01:08:28.359 --> 01:08:30.579
kind of the bums. That's right. Fight them against

01:08:30.579 --> 01:08:33.060
a lion. Well, this is what happens. It's always

01:08:33.060 --> 01:08:35.579
the same result. That's it. They brought in coyotes

01:08:35.579 --> 01:08:37.539
a long time ago. Coyotes are in New York City.

01:08:37.720 --> 01:08:39.579
But they're a problem, too. Yeah, they're a real

01:08:39.579 --> 01:08:41.260
problem. They'll eat your cat. They'll eat your

01:08:41.260 --> 01:08:43.359
kid. There's a guy in Woodland Hills. There's

01:08:43.359 --> 01:08:45.880
a video of his kid getting stolen by a coyote.

01:08:45.899 --> 01:08:48.140
That's good to know. Yeah. Good way to get rid

01:08:48.140 --> 01:08:50.319
of him. A little baby, like a toddler. He did

01:08:50.319 --> 01:08:52.180
go eat his baby. Yeah, well, there's no abortion

01:08:52.180 --> 01:08:53.779
here. He grabbed it and started running with

01:08:53.779 --> 01:08:55.680
it, and he chased after the coyote. The coyote

01:08:55.680 --> 01:08:58.079
drops the kid, and like, fuck. Oh, he saved it.

01:08:58.159 --> 01:09:01.220
Yeah, he saved his kid. Ah, bummer. Jeez, Norman.

01:09:01.319 --> 01:09:05.180
Wow. Mark, that type of thing's not funny. He's

01:09:05.180 --> 01:09:07.880
just trying too hard to be shocking. Is that

01:09:07.880 --> 01:09:10.000
a video of an alligator killing an old lady?

01:09:11.100 --> 01:09:13.220
What? She's walking her dog right by the, you

01:09:13.220 --> 01:09:15.600
see him like, it's like a log coming fast. And

01:09:15.600 --> 01:09:17.020
then some lady calls like, they got her. They

01:09:17.020 --> 01:09:19.430
got the lady. It's like. I don't know. She's

01:09:19.430 --> 01:09:21.890
gone. That's horrible. That's horrible. When

01:09:21.890 --> 01:09:23.390
I was a kid, I lived in Gainesville, Florida,

01:09:23.430 --> 01:09:25.210
and there's alligators all over the place. And

01:09:25.210 --> 01:09:27.430
a lady's dog got snatched up while I was there.

01:09:27.550 --> 01:09:30.489
This lady was walking her dog by the water. And

01:09:30.489 --> 01:09:32.529
the dog's, like, sniffing around, and this alligator

01:09:32.529 --> 01:09:34.510
just jumped out of the water and grabbed the

01:09:34.510 --> 01:09:36.310
fucking... Also, dogs will go... They'll see

01:09:36.310 --> 01:09:37.510
the alligator, they'll go right up to it and

01:09:37.510 --> 01:09:39.229
bark at it. Right. And be like, no, this doesn't

01:09:39.229 --> 01:09:41.489
work on... She had this little white, like, poodle

01:09:41.489 --> 01:09:44.229
-looking dog. The alligator just snatched it

01:09:44.229 --> 01:09:46.890
right in front of everybody. Damn. You know,

01:09:46.890 --> 01:09:48.510
you can only... Kill him by shooting him right

01:09:48.510 --> 01:09:50.510
in the top of the head. It's the only way to

01:09:50.510 --> 01:09:53.329
kill a gator. You can stab it, kick it, shoot

01:09:53.329 --> 01:09:56.050
it, tase it. Won't do it. Wow. Got to hit it

01:09:56.050 --> 01:09:58.449
right in the noggin. You ever watch Swamp People?

01:09:58.630 --> 01:10:00.630
Yeah, they pull it up on the boat and just execute

01:10:00.630 --> 01:10:02.689
it. That's not totally true. People bow hunt

01:10:02.689 --> 01:10:04.970
alligators, and you shoot them through the ribs.

01:10:05.229 --> 01:10:07.590
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, that can't be the only

01:10:07.590 --> 01:10:09.489
way to kill it. Well, that's all these guys know.

01:10:09.649 --> 01:10:10.970
You can fucking cut it in half. There's a couple

01:10:10.970 --> 01:10:12.470
different ways to kill them. Well, you know,

01:10:12.489 --> 01:10:14.930
I mean, if you're out there. Yeah, yeah. They're

01:10:14.930 --> 01:10:17.489
so tough. Buzzsaw. They're so tough. You blow

01:10:17.489 --> 01:10:20.109
it up. That's true. They were around before the

01:10:20.109 --> 01:10:23.149
dinosaurs. While the dinosaurs existed, alligators

01:10:23.149 --> 01:10:25.130
in some form, at least crocodiles in some form,

01:10:25.130 --> 01:10:27.180
were alive. They say they never die. Like, if

01:10:27.180 --> 01:10:28.720
you just let it live, it'll just keep going.

01:10:28.899 --> 01:10:31.800
Yeah. Yeah, they just keep getting bigger. Wow.

01:10:32.319 --> 01:10:37.100
Yeah. What the fuck, dude? It's like Trump. Can't

01:10:37.100 --> 01:10:39.699
stop it. He's getting bigger. We're trying to

01:10:39.699 --> 01:10:41.180
arrest him. He got bigger. Imagine if he just

01:10:41.180 --> 01:10:45.619
got on keto, started doing tests, doing some

01:10:45.619 --> 01:10:48.140
growth hormone, taking a lot of creatine, doing

01:10:48.140 --> 01:10:50.859
body weight squats and fucking deadlifts. He

01:10:50.859 --> 01:10:52.819
would die. See Trump start swinging kettlebells.

01:10:53.119 --> 01:10:56.060
If he gets off fucking McDonald's and Diet Coke,

01:10:56.140 --> 01:10:59.079
he's dead. Probably. He's already lived to 78.

01:10:59.439 --> 01:11:03.090
Yeah. Amazing. God, everybody's so fucking old.

01:11:03.569 --> 01:11:05.350
Everybody's so fucking old. We looked at the

01:11:05.350 --> 01:11:06.949
other day the founding fathers, how old they

01:11:06.949 --> 01:11:09.229
were. Yeah, they're 28. 18. One of them was 18.

01:11:09.369 --> 01:11:11.949
Shut up. One of the founding fathers was 18.

01:11:12.250 --> 01:11:13.810
That's why they were like, Ben Franklin was 80.

01:11:13.850 --> 01:11:17.010
He was 40. Really? They're all wigs. They're

01:11:17.010 --> 01:11:19.409
all white wigs. Yeah, they weren't that old,

01:11:19.409 --> 01:11:21.649
man. It's crazy. And the people that we have

01:11:21.649 --> 01:11:23.529
running this country are old as shit. What are

01:11:23.529 --> 01:11:26.109
we doing? We're stuck. Nobody wants to do it.

01:11:26.149 --> 01:11:27.350
You don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.

01:11:27.409 --> 01:11:30.229
No young people want to do that job. Unrelated.

01:11:30.590 --> 01:11:33.590
They have no understanding of what it's like

01:11:33.590 --> 01:11:36.550
to be living. But give RFK a shot. He's ripped.

01:11:37.100 --> 01:11:39.800
I like RFK a lot. I like RFK a lot. And then

01:11:39.800 --> 01:11:41.600
I was taking a shit this morning. I was looking

01:11:41.600 --> 01:11:43.739
at my phone, and it was RFK talking to, like,

01:11:43.739 --> 01:11:46.079
two birds on his porch. Oh, no. Yeah, he's got

01:11:46.079 --> 01:11:48.439
a raven. God damn it. He's got a pet raven. Don't

01:11:48.439 --> 01:11:50.159
film this, dude. Come on, I like that. He's a

01:11:50.159 --> 01:11:52.840
falconer, too. Look, I get it. I like it. I like

01:11:52.840 --> 01:11:54.399
it. Made me like him more. I like those birds.

01:11:54.680 --> 01:11:57.590
I think they're cool birds. Come on, bro. But

01:11:57.590 --> 01:11:59.529
what's he saying? Like vaccine shit to the birds?

01:11:59.609 --> 01:12:03.270
No. Don't give a shot. He feeds the birds and

01:12:03.270 --> 01:12:05.029
they become his friend. Oh, all right. He's being

01:12:05.029 --> 01:12:07.390
friends with birds on camera. Don't do that.

01:12:07.449 --> 01:12:10.869
That makes me nervous. I like him. I think he's

01:12:10.869 --> 01:12:16.029
clearly the most sane. What he talked about with

01:12:16.029 --> 01:12:18.010
talking to birds on the porch was, I don't need

01:12:18.010 --> 01:12:20.210
it. Is there a possible way that he could win?

01:12:20.329 --> 01:12:23.569
No way. No chance. Yeah, not this time. He could

01:12:23.569 --> 01:12:25.289
start over again for the next one, right? Yeah,

01:12:25.350 --> 01:12:28.170
but as an independent, can anybody really win?

01:12:28.289 --> 01:12:30.069
No. Not the system we have. It just won't allow

01:12:30.069 --> 01:12:31.850
it. And not a Kennedy. He's going to get clipped.

01:12:32.050 --> 01:12:35.199
Runs with the family. Right. But is it? Is it

01:12:35.199 --> 01:12:39.420
just that they won't allow it or that no one

01:12:39.420 --> 01:12:41.920
has ever really hit the kind of popularity? I

01:12:41.920 --> 01:12:43.680
think it's like Trump went independent. Let's

01:12:43.680 --> 01:12:45.439
imagine this. He could win. He could win. He's

01:12:45.439 --> 01:12:48.239
already big. But it's like, remember UHF? None

01:12:48.239 --> 01:12:52.479
of those UHF shows could be as big as the 2 to

01:12:52.479 --> 01:12:55.279
11. Good analogy. Damn, you went old school.

01:12:55.479 --> 01:12:57.880
I forgot what that meant. Yeah, he's too young.

01:12:57.939 --> 01:13:00.159
There was like a secondary channel system. Yeah,

01:13:00.260 --> 01:13:03.399
where like Benny Hill was on. That's the only

01:13:03.399 --> 01:13:05.319
thing I know. Remember that? Remember Benny Hill?

01:13:05.319 --> 01:13:07.359
Yeah, Doctor Who was on there. Yeah, Doctor Who.

01:13:07.560 --> 01:13:11.960
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Star Trek Next Generation

01:13:11.960 --> 01:13:14.359
was on there. Your old QTV. Oh, man. That was

01:13:14.359 --> 01:13:18.180
the old days. UHF. But those could never, even

01:13:18.180 --> 01:13:20.699
if they were the most popular shows, people just

01:13:20.699 --> 01:13:22.840
didn't go to it. Remember Dark Shadows with Barnabas

01:13:22.840 --> 01:13:26.000
Collins? No. No. It was a vampire show that was

01:13:26.000 --> 01:13:28.720
on UHF. Whoa. Is that public access? Is that

01:13:28.720 --> 01:13:31.520
different? No, it's not. It's just like not ABC,

01:13:31.840 --> 01:13:34.420
NBC, or CBS, but it wasn't cable either. It's

01:13:34.420 --> 01:13:37.220
kind of like AM. Yeah, it's like AM radio. It

01:13:37.220 --> 01:13:39.920
was like shitty local channels, like local Boston

01:13:39.920 --> 01:13:43.350
channels. UHF. Used to have ultra -high frequency

01:13:43.350 --> 01:13:45.890
radio for over -the -air transmissions and television

01:13:45.890 --> 01:13:47.390
signals. No, the antennas were for everything.

01:13:47.470 --> 01:13:49.710
Bro, you used to have fucking, you'd put tinfoil

01:13:49.710 --> 01:13:52.350
on your thing to make the signal come in better.

01:13:52.970 --> 01:13:55.329
People had all these wacky fucking antennas.

01:13:55.350 --> 01:13:57.710
Some dudes had them on their roof. Someone's

01:13:57.710 --> 01:13:59.270
got to hold it, because if you're not touching

01:13:59.270 --> 01:14:02.329
it, we can't see the game. No, you have to touch

01:14:02.329 --> 01:14:04.810
the fucking TV. You have to hold the thing in

01:14:04.810 --> 01:14:07.289
place. And some guys would get these bomb -ass

01:14:07.289 --> 01:14:09.250
antennas. You'd go by Mike's house, like, look

01:14:09.250 --> 01:14:12.050
at Mike's antenna. Oh, my God. His TV must be

01:14:12.050 --> 01:14:14.930
crystal clear. He gets shows from Myanmar. Bro,

01:14:14.989 --> 01:14:17.050
I remember the first time I ever saw a satellite

01:14:17.050 --> 01:14:19.409
dish. It was bigger than his fucking table. Some

01:14:19.409 --> 01:14:21.590
dude had a satellite dish in his backyard. I

01:14:21.590 --> 01:14:22.890
go, what are you doing with this? He goes, I

01:14:22.890 --> 01:14:26.289
get TV from Japan. I was like, what? How are

01:14:26.289 --> 01:14:27.229
you getting TV from Japan? Do you ever watch

01:14:27.229 --> 01:14:30.210
it, Rick and Morty? This was a long time ago,

01:14:30.289 --> 01:14:33.010
man. This was in the 90s. This guy had a giant

01:14:33.010 --> 01:14:35.210
-ass dish in his backyard. He was getting international

01:14:35.210 --> 01:14:37.449
television shows. But he's not watching any of

01:14:37.449 --> 01:14:39.210
those shows. He's still watching just fucking.

01:14:39.310 --> 01:14:41.250
I don't know. what he was watching. I just know

01:14:41.250 --> 01:14:43.810
this dude invested in a fucking dish that took

01:14:43.810 --> 01:14:47.829
up like one eighth of his backyard. Damn, I do.

01:14:47.890 --> 01:14:49.590
The dishes are all over. You go to the roof in

01:14:49.590 --> 01:14:51.149
New York, there's like seven dishes up there.

01:14:51.289 --> 01:14:53.470
But aren't those usually small, like the DirecTV

01:14:53.470 --> 01:14:55.569
dishes? Now they're smaller. The funny thing

01:14:55.569 --> 01:14:57.529
is to see them in third world countries. You

01:14:57.529 --> 01:14:59.829
see, like, just a concrete shack, but they got

01:14:59.829 --> 01:15:01.949
their dish. You know what Elon just announced?

01:15:02.390 --> 01:15:05.390
They just announced those Starlink setups that

01:15:05.390 --> 01:15:07.189
you could take in a backpack. Like, it's like

01:15:07.189 --> 01:15:10.250
the size of a laptop. So anywhere you go in the

01:15:10.250 --> 01:15:12.609
world, you could take one of these Starlinks,

01:15:12.729 --> 01:15:15.170
set it up, and you will have wireless internet

01:15:15.170 --> 01:15:18.829
where you could stream 4K movies. Whoa. Yep.

01:15:18.930 --> 01:15:22.689
High -speed wireless internet the size of a backpack.

01:15:23.029 --> 01:15:25.729
Damn. He fucked that tribe in Africa. He fucked

01:15:25.729 --> 01:15:27.869
a tribe? What? Fucked him up. The whole tribe.

01:15:27.909 --> 01:15:31.050
He wants kids. I know that. He likes kids, but...

01:15:31.050 --> 01:15:33.930
No, no, no. He wants to have kids. Elon? Yeah,

01:15:33.970 --> 01:15:35.489
he's got them. He has a bunch, but I'm not saying

01:15:35.489 --> 01:15:37.489
he... You can't say he likes kids in this day

01:15:37.489 --> 01:15:39.789
and age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta be clear.

01:15:39.989 --> 01:15:41.989
He went to Africa and gave them the internet,

01:15:42.130 --> 01:15:43.569
and they fucked him up. Oh, it wasn't Africa.

01:15:43.689 --> 01:15:46.930
It was the Amazon. Yeah. Uncontactables. Yeah,

01:15:47.510 --> 01:15:49.739
they started whacking off. Yeah. It's going to

01:15:49.739 --> 01:15:51.180
happen. They're not equipped for it. We're not

01:15:51.180 --> 01:15:52.680
equipped for it. They're definitely not equipped

01:15:52.680 --> 01:15:54.699
for it. What's crazy is this tribe does not even

01:15:54.699 --> 01:15:56.920
allow public displays of affection like kissing.

01:15:57.480 --> 01:15:59.579
What? And then all of a sudden, in WhatsApp messages,

01:15:59.739 --> 01:16:01.979
they were sending porn to each other. And so

01:16:01.979 --> 01:16:04.560
the tribe leader was like, what the fuck is this?

01:16:04.640 --> 01:16:06.159
Because they were all just sitting around scrolling

01:16:06.159 --> 01:16:08.319
on their phones. Yeah, I mean, how could you

01:16:08.319 --> 01:16:10.340
not? If you just discovered porn, there was no

01:16:10.340 --> 01:16:12.159
porn, and that's all there is porn, you'd be

01:16:12.159 --> 01:16:14.819
like, gonna happen. It's gonna happen. You give

01:16:14.819 --> 01:16:16.619
someone a phone, give them a connection, let

01:16:16.619 --> 01:16:18.079
them know porn's real. I mean, when the iPhone

01:16:18.079 --> 01:16:20.720
came out, it was... Right. Can you get porn on

01:16:20.720 --> 01:16:21.960
that? Right to porn. I can get it on the internet.

01:16:22.039 --> 01:16:23.579
Can you get porn on that? It was the first question

01:16:23.579 --> 01:16:25.060
anyone asked. That's what we do. That's back

01:16:25.060 --> 01:16:28.119
when it was like you could go Wi -Fi and cellular.

01:16:28.380 --> 01:16:30.800
Cellular wasn't good enough. Right. Yeah. You

01:16:30.800 --> 01:16:32.239
couldn't even really watch YouTube back then.

01:16:32.340 --> 01:16:34.439
It was just too sketchy. There was no apps. Yeah.

01:16:34.500 --> 01:16:36.359
Anything for that stuff. But it was like I could

01:16:36.359 --> 01:16:39.460
go on, you know, bangbus .com or something like

01:16:39.460 --> 01:16:42.100
that and slowly get one. Party bus. Well, you

01:16:42.100 --> 01:16:44.220
know, those cave drawings have dicks. Like, they're

01:16:44.220 --> 01:16:47.039
doing porn then. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's a bunch

01:16:47.039 --> 01:16:50.600
of old porn that exists, like, in, like, ancient

01:16:50.600 --> 01:16:53.039
Egyptian porn, like, hieroglyphic -looking porn.

01:16:53.060 --> 01:16:54.119
Porn. Like, they're watching it to get off. Like,

01:16:54.180 --> 01:16:56.779
people boning people. Ancient Greek porn. Like,

01:16:56.840 --> 01:16:58.840
dudes with big, hard dicks banging girls doggy

01:16:58.840 --> 01:17:01.000
style. But was it, like, let me show you what

01:17:01.000 --> 01:17:03.220
people were doing, or was it for, like, eroticism?

01:17:03.340 --> 01:17:06.119
I think it was for eroticism. Yeah. Who was it?

01:17:06.119 --> 01:17:08.279
Like, Pottery Jamie? Who was bringing that up?

01:17:08.340 --> 01:17:10.399
It wasn't Brian Murrow Rescue. Do you remember

01:17:10.399 --> 01:17:13.000
who it was that was bringing up all the Egyptian...

01:17:13.000 --> 01:17:16.300
Oh, Flint Dibble. Wasn't it Flint Dibble? Flint

01:17:16.300 --> 01:17:18.640
Dibble? What kind of name is that? He's an archaeologist.

01:17:18.960 --> 01:17:22.000
Flint Dibble. Turin erotic papyrus. Oldest known

01:17:22.000 --> 01:17:24.359
depiction of human sexuality. There you go. But

01:17:24.359 --> 01:17:25.979
that's a depiction. It's not really like porn,

01:17:26.060 --> 01:17:27.539
though. Is that people boning in that picture?

01:17:28.340 --> 01:17:30.000
Oh, look at the... That's what it looked like?

01:17:30.460 --> 01:17:33.479
Animals boning? They all have dongs. Oh. There

01:17:33.479 --> 01:17:35.470
you go. I mean, look, if you only lived to be

01:17:35.470 --> 01:17:37.409
20 years old back then, that's probably all people

01:17:37.409 --> 01:17:39.210
thought about. Like, get your nuts off before

01:17:39.210 --> 01:17:41.630
you get your head chopped off. I gotta fuck.

01:17:41.750 --> 01:17:43.949
I gotta fuck. Before you get fucking slaughtered

01:17:43.949 --> 01:17:47.729
by the neighboring tribe. Oh, what a hellscape

01:17:47.729 --> 01:17:50.310
life must have been like back then. I know, but

01:17:50.310 --> 01:17:52.989
they were probably happier than us. No. That's

01:17:52.989 --> 01:17:55.510
nonsense. I don't know. Not us. We're having

01:17:55.510 --> 01:17:57.170
a good time. We're all banged up. Yeah, but who

01:17:57.170 --> 01:17:59.350
fucking has more fun than us, us? Well, that's

01:17:59.350 --> 01:18:01.250
different. We're living a life. But we're alive

01:18:01.250 --> 01:18:03.430
in the same time. What we're doing is possible

01:18:03.430 --> 01:18:06.109
for other folks in other jobs, in other ways

01:18:06.109 --> 01:18:08.789
of life. But the whole thing is finding great

01:18:08.789 --> 01:18:11.029
groups of people having a good old time. Chuck

01:18:11.029 --> 01:18:16.029
went this way. Yeah! That a baby. We can bring

01:18:16.029 --> 01:18:18.529
back America. We're trying. It's not looking

01:18:18.529 --> 01:18:19.789
good. No, but we can bring back the song. We're

01:18:19.789 --> 01:18:22.689
still number one, dude. We got the song. Oh,

01:18:22.689 --> 01:18:24.689
Ari, if you're listening. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

01:18:25.050 --> 01:18:27.170
I think it's time to get a little rad. I think

01:18:27.170 --> 01:18:29.210
we need to get – I need that bong, please. Oh,

01:18:29.270 --> 01:18:32.590
no. Oh, we got two. We got double. We got double

01:18:32.590 --> 01:18:34.829
eagle bongs. That's a bad idea. What are you

01:18:34.829 --> 01:18:35.630
talking about? What is this, the beginning of

01:18:35.630 --> 01:18:37.489
the – look at that. Look at that hard -on. That's

01:18:37.489 --> 01:18:39.710
a ridiculous dick. Really? Imagine that dick.

01:18:40.090 --> 01:18:41.930
I've seen yours. You're all right. Thank you.

01:18:42.069 --> 01:18:44.770
But that seems like it would hurt somebody. Yeah,

01:18:44.829 --> 01:18:46.729
nice penis. You got a hammer. Thank you very

01:18:46.729 --> 01:18:48.770
much. Very nice. We're getting that cold punch,

01:18:48.930 --> 01:18:52.460
dude. Joe's – I saw that. My dick evaporates,

01:18:52.460 --> 01:18:55.640
dude. Of course. That thing is still... Good

01:18:55.640 --> 01:18:58.180
for you, Joe. Thank you. It says on it on the

01:18:58.180 --> 01:19:01.079
side, which I thought was weird. It's going to

01:19:01.079 --> 01:19:03.180
be a chilly beer. Contractual obligation. What,

01:19:03.199 --> 01:19:05.279
have a giant... No, on it on the side of my cock.

01:19:05.479 --> 01:19:08.819
It's part of the deal. To rep the kettlebells.

01:19:10.060 --> 01:19:19.760
America. Wait, it's on. Oh, shit, I'm done. Here

01:19:19.760 --> 01:19:23.979
we go. One more time. We're still number one,

01:19:23.979 --> 01:19:25.779
dude. We are number one. We're number one even

01:19:25.779 --> 01:19:38.260
if we lose. True. Fuck yeah! It's awfully cold.

01:19:39.340 --> 01:19:47.359
Oh my god. That's fun. That's fun. Hell yeah.

01:19:47.359 --> 01:19:49.350
And we're back. I'm tired of people saying America

01:19:49.350 --> 01:19:51.909
sucks, dude. Who says that? You know what, man?

01:19:51.909 --> 01:19:53.470
What's going on there? We're just being gay lately,

01:19:53.590 --> 01:19:55.689
but that's all right. This is what it is. This

01:19:55.689 --> 01:19:57.949
is a declining empire. No, it's not, dude. Stop.

01:19:58.229 --> 01:20:00.329
We could come back. We're going to dip a little.

01:20:00.430 --> 01:20:02.529
We're going to come back. I disagree. I see videos

01:20:02.529 --> 01:20:04.050
all the time of people using this fucking eagle

01:20:04.050 --> 01:20:06.170
at their barbecues. Oh, we put that eagle on

01:20:06.170 --> 01:20:07.829
the map. They still know America rules. Oh, America

01:20:07.829 --> 01:20:10.170
rules. Also, go to another country. No, no, no,

01:20:10.189 --> 01:20:12.649
no, no, no. We rule. We're the best. But the

01:20:12.649 --> 01:20:15.890
world's fucked. The civilization's fucked. I

01:20:15.890 --> 01:20:17.390
don't know. We're getting a little weird and

01:20:17.390 --> 01:20:19.970
queefy with China's buying all our farms and

01:20:19.970 --> 01:20:21.930
our real estate. Very dangerous. Very dangerous.

01:20:22.010 --> 01:20:24.869
Digital control, all of it. Very dangerous. We're

01:20:24.869 --> 01:20:26.930
going to get to a point in our lifetimes where

01:20:26.930 --> 01:20:30.189
we're going to make a choice between AI or no

01:20:30.189 --> 01:20:33.670
freedom. What do you mean? AI or no freedom?

01:20:33.829 --> 01:20:35.970
What do you mean? AI is going to govern things.

01:20:36.409 --> 01:20:38.550
Or you're going to have human beings governing

01:20:38.550 --> 01:20:41.250
things, and the tightness and the grasp that

01:20:41.250 --> 01:20:42.949
they're going to have on your ability to do anything

01:20:42.949 --> 01:20:45.569
is going to be so great that all freedoms will

01:20:45.569 --> 01:20:48.329
be gone, innovation will be stifled, giant corporations

01:20:48.329 --> 01:20:51.050
will control everything, and they'll act like

01:20:51.050 --> 01:20:53.529
totalitarian governments. They're already trying

01:20:53.529 --> 01:20:55.529
to do that. They're trying to silence people

01:20:55.529 --> 01:20:57.609
on social media and do all kinds of things to

01:20:57.609 --> 01:21:00.850
obscure facts and put out bullshit narratives.

01:21:00.949 --> 01:21:03.229
They're doing that right now, and they have the

01:21:03.229 --> 01:21:04.770
power to do that. And if they get bigger, they're

01:21:04.770 --> 01:21:07.670
going to do it more. Yeah. America. But, you

01:21:07.670 --> 01:21:09.909
know, I would say this, though. Throughout history,

01:21:10.050 --> 01:21:13.199
everybody's always thought this. No matter what,

01:21:13.300 --> 01:21:14.819
they'd be like, this is it. This is the end.

01:21:15.399 --> 01:21:17.779
We're done. That was in the 50s. They were living

01:21:17.779 --> 01:21:20.699
life. They just got done winning. They won the

01:21:20.699 --> 01:21:23.180
entire world. But they had a nice, chill moment.

01:21:24.460 --> 01:21:27.140
It was like that two years after gay marriage

01:21:27.140 --> 01:21:29.359
was legal. And the gays were like, alright, we'll

01:21:29.359 --> 01:21:32.140
calm down now. We saw an Assyrian tablet. There

01:21:32.140 --> 01:21:37.260
was an Assyrian tablet from like 2900 B .C. And

01:21:37.260 --> 01:21:38.899
it was talking about how the end of the world

01:21:38.899 --> 01:21:41.460
is close. And everything's falling apart. Then

01:21:41.460 --> 01:21:44.020
those guys' shit was falling apart. Yeah. Yeah,

01:21:44.100 --> 01:21:47.079
it was. Dude, if you look at... Think of any

01:21:47.079 --> 01:21:49.180
time throughout history, it sucked. It sucked.

01:21:49.180 --> 01:21:51.520
You look around, everything sucks, it's all going

01:21:51.520 --> 01:21:53.439
to shit. You look around, it all looks pretty

01:21:53.439 --> 01:21:56.319
good. We went to Mothership last night. We had

01:21:56.319 --> 01:21:59.920
a great show. Cocktails. Had a lot of laughs.

01:22:00.119 --> 01:22:02.100
We did Bottom of the Barrel for a half an hour.

01:22:02.199 --> 01:22:06.840
You guys were on for a while. We had fun. We

01:22:06.840 --> 01:22:09.539
had so much fun. But also, you know what's funny?

01:22:09.680 --> 01:22:11.960
They definitely did this exact same thing back

01:22:11.960 --> 01:22:14.739
then. He's got three drinks now. You had three?

01:22:15.020 --> 01:22:18.060
Watch out. A licker here. That's bad. I see it.

01:22:18.100 --> 01:22:21.840
One shot. That's Ron White tequila. I know. I'm

01:22:21.840 --> 01:22:23.319
trying to support. That's Ron White stuff. He

01:22:23.319 --> 01:22:24.800
says there's no hangover. Number one. I'll believe

01:22:24.800 --> 01:22:26.399
it when I see it. No, that's not true. He's lying

01:22:26.399 --> 01:22:28.840
to you. I agree. There's no hangover in this

01:22:28.840 --> 01:22:29.699
tequila at all. That's not true. It doesn't even

01:22:29.699 --> 01:22:31.760
drink. Ron doesn't drink it. Oh, it's a miracle?

01:22:31.859 --> 01:22:34.479
It's an elixir? Yeah, exactly. Major elixir of

01:22:34.479 --> 01:22:37.539
life. Joe said it heart to heart with Ron White.

01:22:37.579 --> 01:22:38.840
He said, you've got to switch to silver tequila.

01:22:38.880 --> 01:22:40.520
It'll change your life. And he goes, it did change

01:22:40.520 --> 01:22:42.640
my life. And I'm like. DeRosa, you're an alcoholic.

01:22:43.119 --> 01:22:45.859
And that changed your life. DeRosa fucking, don't

01:22:45.859 --> 01:22:48.640
you dare. Switching to silver tequila changed

01:22:48.640 --> 01:22:53.840
your life. And Ron White is sober. Such disdain

01:22:53.840 --> 01:22:56.579
in your voice. Yeah, DeRosa rules, dude. Don't

01:22:56.579 --> 01:22:58.579
you dare get in his head that he's an alcoholic

01:22:58.579 --> 01:23:00.699
because he will stop drinking with me. I take

01:23:00.699 --> 01:23:02.119
it back. Joe, I take it back. I didn't mean that

01:23:02.119 --> 01:23:03.819
at all. You're the best drunk. He's Austin's

01:23:03.819 --> 01:23:05.340
newest resident. We must defend him. Hey, you

01:23:05.340 --> 01:23:07.880
got another one. We got another one. DeRosa's

01:23:07.880 --> 01:23:10.970
another man. I love DeRosa. Get one of the firemen

01:23:10.970 --> 01:23:12.590
out there, whatever you get. One of those guys.

01:23:12.949 --> 01:23:15.350
Firemen? My shades. Security guards. You thought

01:23:15.350 --> 01:23:16.550
those were firemen? Security guards. You can

01:23:16.550 --> 01:23:18.109
go grab them. Go run out there. I don't want

01:23:18.109 --> 01:23:20.210
to lose anything. I bet you have to pee. I got

01:23:20.210 --> 01:23:22.310
nothing. No, you had three shots. You want Ari's?

01:23:22.369 --> 01:23:25.390
You want to wear Ari's? Thanks, yeah. Do you

01:23:25.390 --> 01:23:27.210
feel more comfortable this way? I just, yeah.

01:23:27.350 --> 01:23:29.350
You're a little hidden. Yeah. It's nice. I did

01:23:29.350 --> 01:23:32.289
a whole podcast with them with Dylan. Yeah. Big

01:23:32.289 --> 01:23:34.590
crazy square sunglasses that the ladies wear.

01:23:35.289 --> 01:23:37.550
Yeah, it's nice. It feels good. You wear those,

01:23:37.649 --> 01:23:40.579
you hide. You can talk some shit. It's fun to

01:23:40.579 --> 01:23:42.640
stare at chicks in New York with them on. Oh,

01:23:42.640 --> 01:23:44.460
you're such a creeper, the way you said it. God,

01:23:44.460 --> 01:23:46.760
dude. Jeez, with that goatee. Coming out of a

01:23:46.760 --> 01:23:49.260
tunnel. Coming out of a tunnel staring. I'll

01:23:49.260 --> 01:23:50.680
stare up your skirt, then right back down the

01:23:50.680 --> 01:23:52.600
tunnel. Remember when you had a Hitler mustache?

01:23:53.100 --> 01:23:54.760
Yeah, I had to. I wanted you to do that today.

01:23:55.279 --> 01:23:56.939
You said no, it's actually a bad idea. And then

01:23:56.939 --> 01:23:59.239
I said yes, it's obviously bad. Oh, we do have

01:23:59.239 --> 01:24:01.220
a trimmer. Michael Jordan does it. No, we do

01:24:01.220 --> 01:24:01.880
have a trimmer. We do have a Hitler mustache.

01:24:02.060 --> 01:24:04.170
He could do it. Michael Jordan could. No, he

01:24:04.170 --> 01:24:06.649
could do it. I had one once on a podcast. Legion

01:24:06.649 --> 01:24:08.289
of Skins had to wear a Hitler mustache of all

01:24:08.289 --> 01:24:11.569
their pubes. Dave Lewis and Big Jack. That's

01:24:11.569 --> 01:24:13.810
not very nice. That's not very fun. It was not.

01:24:13.829 --> 01:24:15.630
I agree it was not very fun. I didn't like that.

01:24:15.630 --> 01:24:16.930
Was that because you finally spun the wheel?

01:24:17.810 --> 01:24:20.090
I spun the wheel. It was eat a goldfish. Do you

01:24:20.090 --> 01:24:21.770
think there's ever going to be a time where the

01:24:21.770 --> 01:24:24.729
Hitler mustache can come back? No. Yes. Same

01:24:24.729 --> 01:24:26.930
with Adolf. Adolf's fucked too. Adolf's fucked.

01:24:27.310 --> 01:24:30.800
Adolf is out. Adolfus. Adolphus Bush. Hey, look

01:24:30.800 --> 01:24:33.850
at that. Oh, here we go. It smells so bad. You

01:24:33.850 --> 01:24:35.470
can smell the difference in their pubes, too.

01:24:35.569 --> 01:24:38.329
Who had the best smell on pubes? Dave. Ew, you

01:24:38.329 --> 01:24:40.350
like Dave's pubes. I don't like them. They just

01:24:40.350 --> 01:24:43.529
didn't smell as bad as Lewis's. I heard you liked

01:24:43.529 --> 01:24:45.289
them. You said they smelled good. Got his ass.

01:24:45.810 --> 01:24:49.210
Got his ass. I heard you said they smelled like

01:24:49.210 --> 01:24:52.590
fresh basil. I lost the bet. Oh, bro. Oh, wow.

01:24:52.689 --> 01:24:54.789
Yeah, you look like it. Oh, boy. I couldn't breathe.

01:24:55.750 --> 01:24:58.310
Yeah, but in all fairness, you did take a shit

01:24:58.310 --> 01:25:01.029
in a Tupperware and fucking open it up on stage

01:25:01.029 --> 01:25:03.319
in front of them. Shitler. That's right. Sure.

01:25:06.759 --> 01:25:09.100
I got a good one. My friends called their mom

01:25:09.100 --> 01:25:12.000
Shitler. There was three brothers, and they would

01:25:12.000 --> 01:25:15.500
chant. They'd go, Mother Shitler. Oh, my God.

01:25:15.500 --> 01:25:17.399
And she'd be like, fuck you, stop it. And then

01:25:17.399 --> 01:25:19.859
one day they spray -painted Shitler on the side

01:25:19.859 --> 01:25:22.840
of her work van. Really? That's a bit much. It

01:25:22.840 --> 01:25:25.079
was pretty funny, though. Those guys go hard.

01:25:25.340 --> 01:25:28.260
Those guys are animals. Those are good times.

01:25:28.520 --> 01:25:30.520
Those are the guys I'd go to if a crime was committed.

01:25:30.699 --> 01:25:32.079
Those are the first guys I'd question. Complete

01:25:32.079 --> 01:25:33.840
animals. And by the way, those guys, that goes

01:25:33.840 --> 01:25:36.939
in the hate. crime stats, even though it's just

01:25:36.939 --> 01:25:42.220
my mom. Anything like that. We were out and then

01:25:42.220 --> 01:25:44.739
we would drive the van. We were kids. And when

01:25:44.739 --> 01:25:46.479
they would go to work, we would take the van.

01:25:46.560 --> 01:25:49.359
We were children driving this van around. And

01:25:49.359 --> 01:25:51.880
then we would take it off. We would take it into

01:25:51.880 --> 01:25:54.510
a field. and just drive it around. Then one time,

01:25:54.609 --> 01:25:57.569
I wasn't in it, and I watched them hit a hill,

01:25:57.710 --> 01:26:00.010
and the entire bottom of the shitler van fell

01:26:00.010 --> 01:26:05.670
out. I was like, holy shit. Run, run. We put

01:26:05.670 --> 01:26:08.010
it in neutral and pushed it back into the driveway,

01:26:08.229 --> 01:26:10.090
and then nothing happened. Then Mother Shitler

01:26:10.090 --> 01:26:15.079
came home. Oh, no. She started the car. I was

01:26:15.079 --> 01:26:18.340
like, what the fuck's going on? Oh, my God. Well,

01:26:18.380 --> 01:26:20.899
kids were feral back then. You just did crazy

01:26:20.899 --> 01:26:23.399
shit. I remember one time I got blackout drunk.

01:26:23.600 --> 01:26:25.560
I was out with my friends all night. They brought

01:26:25.560 --> 01:26:27.600
me back home. They put me on the porch, and they

01:26:27.600 --> 01:26:30.319
shot me with paintballs. And they shot my whole

01:26:30.319 --> 01:26:32.619
front of my house. And my dad came out in a robe,

01:26:32.640 --> 01:26:34.439
and he had like a nom flashback, and he flipped

01:26:34.439 --> 01:26:37.279
out. Remember donuts? You guys do donuts as soon

01:26:37.279 --> 01:26:39.180
as it snows. Just go to the local high school.

01:26:39.479 --> 01:26:42.079
Go to parking lots, do donuts. Parking lots or

01:26:42.079 --> 01:26:43.960
a football field. and then just wait for the

01:26:43.960 --> 01:26:45.899
cops to show up. Remember how much snow ruled

01:26:45.899 --> 01:26:49.500
before fucking gay -ass global warming? We used

01:26:49.500 --> 01:26:52.140
to have snow. Real snow day. Snow rules. So are

01:26:52.140 --> 01:26:54.100
you guys not getting much snow at all in New

01:26:54.100 --> 01:26:56.000
York anymore? No. No, the whole last year we

01:26:56.000 --> 01:26:58.680
got almost none. Really? Last year there was

01:26:58.680 --> 01:27:00.460
a little. I think the year before there was zero.

01:27:00.699 --> 01:27:03.960
No snow? Bro, it's real. Or like a quick dusting,

01:27:03.960 --> 01:27:05.979
but no shutting down everything today. I drove

01:27:05.979 --> 01:27:09.819
by Lake Travis out here. It's the big lake. It's

01:27:09.819 --> 01:27:13.970
like 40 % capacity. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. Oh,

01:27:13.970 --> 01:27:17.270
it's gone. 60 % of it's missing. Oh, that's a

01:27:17.270 --> 01:27:19.649
bummer. Bro, it's nuts. I know it's fun to be

01:27:19.649 --> 01:27:22.590
based and red -pilled on these podcasts, but

01:27:22.590 --> 01:27:25.229
global warming might be real. It didn't snow

01:27:25.229 --> 01:27:28.229
for fucking five years. Here's the thing. It

01:27:28.229 --> 01:27:33.390
is definitely a real thing. Secretly? Wow, you

01:27:33.390 --> 01:27:36.210
went with no music. You guys are having a conversation.

01:27:36.890 --> 01:27:39.710
It's definitely real. The question is, like,

01:27:40.220 --> 01:27:42.859
How much of it is because of us? And how much

01:27:42.859 --> 01:27:46.619
of this green deal stuff is just bullshit where

01:27:46.619 --> 01:27:48.239
people are trying to make money and control people?

01:27:48.439 --> 01:27:50.380
Because both things are happening simultaneously.

01:27:50.819 --> 01:27:54.199
There is some sort of a change in the climate,

01:27:54.340 --> 01:27:57.479
but then also when you look at the level of carbon

01:27:57.479 --> 01:28:01.119
in the atmosphere, it's like the amount of it

01:28:01.119 --> 01:28:03.859
is not that much. I don't think it's the major

01:28:03.859 --> 01:28:07.880
issue. What is the issue? The world gets hotter.

01:28:08.530 --> 01:28:11.489
There's never a static temperature for Earth

01:28:11.489 --> 01:28:14.869
from 65 million years ago to today. When they

01:28:14.869 --> 01:28:17.710
do core samples, it does this all throughout

01:28:17.710 --> 01:28:19.569
history. The question is how much of an impact

01:28:19.569 --> 01:28:21.930
do we have on it? We know we're having some impact.

01:28:22.289 --> 01:28:24.310
That's what they know. These are snowfall totals

01:28:24.310 --> 01:28:26.510
for Central Park over the last, I mean, it goes

01:28:26.510 --> 01:28:28.250
back a while, but these are just the last 25

01:28:28.250 --> 01:28:31.489
years. 2 .3 and 7 .5. Those are the lowest two.

01:28:32.240 --> 01:28:33.720
It's just the last two years at the bottom, but

01:28:33.720 --> 01:28:38.739
it's been low before. Yeah, 2 .5 in 2019, 2006.

01:28:39.539 --> 01:28:41.720
Yeah, it's low there. 4 .8 just a couple years

01:28:41.720 --> 01:28:44.680
ago. 2 .6 in 2006. Oh, that's just January. You're

01:28:44.680 --> 01:28:46.760
looking at December. 0 .2 in 2011. No, no, you're

01:28:46.760 --> 01:28:48.119
looking at just a month. The totals are on the

01:28:48.119 --> 01:28:52.800
right side. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. 2 .3. It's been

01:28:52.800 --> 01:28:54.899
low. It's been high. It's been low. It's been

01:28:54.899 --> 01:28:56.500
up and down. It's nice. No black ice is nice.

01:28:56.560 --> 01:28:58.359
But here's the thing. If you make some crazy

01:28:58.359 --> 01:29:00.920
decisions that are going to destroy the economy.

01:29:01.630 --> 01:29:03.569
You make some wild decisions that are going to

01:29:03.569 --> 01:29:06.689
destroy the economy and enrich giant corporations.

01:29:07.670 --> 01:29:10.409
But nothing changes because it just keeps going

01:29:10.409 --> 01:29:12.890
up and down. You got to be fucking careful. These

01:29:12.890 --> 01:29:15.449
eggheads are not careful. China and India are

01:29:15.449 --> 01:29:17.409
not going to chill. They're going full bore.

01:29:17.609 --> 01:29:19.470
It's mostly them. And their economy is going

01:29:19.470 --> 01:29:21.890
to grow because of it. China went crazy, though,

01:29:21.890 --> 01:29:23.729
on environment. What are you talking about? They

01:29:23.729 --> 01:29:26.449
just built 200 new coal -powered plants. Whoa.

01:29:26.649 --> 01:29:28.510
I thought they were cleaning up all their pollution.

01:29:28.510 --> 01:29:30.590
No, they're talking shit. They have concentration

01:29:30.590 --> 01:29:32.289
camps. They're making new coal plants. Well,

01:29:32.310 --> 01:29:34.029
because their air is so bad, they're like, we

01:29:34.029 --> 01:29:35.710
got to do something here. They figured out some

01:29:35.710 --> 01:29:37.649
ways to mitigate that, and they're also developing

01:29:37.649 --> 01:29:40.250
gigantic filters, so they're like the size of

01:29:40.250 --> 01:29:44.390
an apartment building. Wow. Yeah. I read the

01:29:44.390 --> 01:29:46.029
China coal plant thing one time. It said they're

01:29:46.029 --> 01:29:48.409
making a bunch, but they're all smaller. Yeah,

01:29:48.409 --> 01:29:51.930
whatever. Come on. Little tiny one, my friend.

01:29:52.350 --> 01:29:55.289
More efficient is all I mean. Smaller, but more

01:29:55.289 --> 01:29:56.850
efficient. But it doesn't matter. They're still

01:29:56.850 --> 01:30:00.369
making coal plants. Coal plants, no matter what

01:30:00.369 --> 01:30:02.489
the fuck you do, you're burning coal, you're

01:30:02.489 --> 01:30:04.789
releasing particulates. And that shit gets over

01:30:04.789 --> 01:30:07.750
cars. Where was it? In Indiana? Is that where

01:30:07.750 --> 01:30:10.850
it was? We saw that documentary on this one area

01:30:10.850 --> 01:30:13.409
that has three coal plants within a 30 -mile

01:30:13.409 --> 01:30:16.229
radius. And these people's cars have a thin...

01:30:17.950 --> 01:30:20.670
black sooty layer on them. So you're breathing

01:30:20.670 --> 01:30:23.050
that in. You go jogging outside. You're just

01:30:23.050 --> 01:30:26.369
taking in particulates. My family's from the

01:30:26.369 --> 01:30:28.529
coal region in Pennsylvania. It's rough, dude.

01:30:28.770 --> 01:30:30.729
Centralia? Bro. You ever hear about that place?

01:30:30.750 --> 01:30:32.949
Never heard of it. It's still on fire. A coal

01:30:32.949 --> 01:30:35.390
mine caught on fire. We've had the videos on

01:30:35.390 --> 01:30:37.489
the show multiple times. It's been on fire since

01:30:37.489 --> 01:30:40.329
the 50s or something. I went up there. It's fun

01:30:40.329 --> 01:30:42.130
to go up there. It's just an abandoned area.

01:30:42.270 --> 01:30:44.770
It's like Silent Hill. It's fucking kind of scary.

01:30:44.970 --> 01:30:47.210
The coal caught fire underground. I'm not scared,

01:30:47.329 --> 01:30:50.350
though. And there's so much coal that the coal

01:30:50.350 --> 01:30:53.729
stayed on fire forever. I don't get scared. What

01:30:53.729 --> 01:30:55.770
about the Palestine, Ohio? Didn't they have something?

01:30:55.989 --> 01:30:59.029
No, that was a spill. That was railroad tracks.

01:31:00.109 --> 01:31:02.029
That's bad. That wasn't even a problem, dude.

01:31:02.090 --> 01:31:04.449
Don't worry about it. It could burn for another

01:31:04.449 --> 01:31:06.850
250 years for the exhaust, the coal supply, the

01:31:06.850 --> 01:31:09.899
fuels, the rules. Want to see a video? It's fucking

01:31:09.899 --> 01:31:12.220
nuts. There's like holes in the ground. Smoke

01:31:12.220 --> 01:31:14.060
is coming out of the ground. It's just a graffiti

01:31:14.060 --> 01:31:16.199
abandoned highway. They abandoned everything.

01:31:16.319 --> 01:31:19.420
They had to abandon the whole town. Never ending

01:31:19.420 --> 01:31:22.960
fire. So the whole town is stuck, and so everybody

01:31:22.960 --> 01:31:24.979
had to move out of the town. Really? As the thing

01:31:24.979 --> 01:31:27.840
got bigger, yeah, you're breathing toxic fumes

01:31:27.840 --> 01:31:31.380
all day. Everybody had just bail. Oh, it was

01:31:31.380 --> 01:31:34.819
funny. Shane Torres was headlining the Centralia

01:31:34.819 --> 01:31:36.420
Comedy Festival. No, he was doing Harrisburg

01:31:36.420 --> 01:31:38.720
Comedy Zone, and I was hosting, and I was like,

01:31:38.779 --> 01:31:41.079
you want to go see Centralia? And we went in

01:31:41.079 --> 01:31:43.100
between shows. It was nice. How far? Friday,

01:31:43.100 --> 01:31:45.500
Saturday. It's probably like 40 minutes north

01:31:45.500 --> 01:31:49.079
of Harrisburg. Wow. It's fun going with a band

01:31:49.079 --> 01:31:50.359
in places. What does it smell like when you're

01:31:50.359 --> 01:31:53.579
outside? You wouldn't notice it, but then every

01:31:53.579 --> 01:31:54.939
once in a while you see a crack in the ground

01:31:54.939 --> 01:31:57.460
with smoke. No way. This is crazy. You want to

01:31:57.460 --> 01:31:59.220
put a grate over it, throw some burgers down?

01:31:59.479 --> 01:32:02.199
Somebody drew a bunch of dicks on a highway for

01:32:02.199 --> 01:32:04.300
like a mile straight. It's pretty fun. Someone

01:32:04.300 --> 01:32:06.600
just spray -painted an abandoned highway with

01:32:06.600 --> 01:32:08.760
dicks. Speaking of hamburgers on a grill, did

01:32:08.760 --> 01:32:10.960
you see that photo of Chuck Schumer grilling

01:32:10.960 --> 01:32:13.779
in his backyard with raw hamburgers and no fire?

01:32:13.979 --> 01:32:16.279
He deleted it. He took a photo. He took it down.

01:32:16.359 --> 01:32:18.899
It's so nice to be out here grilling burgers.

01:32:19.380 --> 01:32:21.279
He had a photo shoot. He's just making a fake

01:32:21.279 --> 01:32:24.420
thing. Yeah, but the grill was not on. The burgers

01:32:24.420 --> 01:32:27.359
were fucking old, gray -looking burgers. He's

01:32:27.359 --> 01:32:30.250
got a smile on his face. It's like this. It's

01:32:30.250 --> 01:32:32.310
almost like an AI picture. We got the shot. Go

01:32:32.310 --> 01:32:34.649
back inside. Yeah, this is it. So there's no

01:32:34.649 --> 01:32:38.189
heat at all on that grill. Look down at the grill.

01:32:38.310 --> 01:32:41.170
The cheese is still rock hard. Try to find fire.

01:32:41.449 --> 01:32:45.069
There's no smoke. Nothing's happening. That's

01:32:45.069 --> 01:32:47.470
not the best picture. I've seen a more high -resolution

01:32:47.470 --> 01:32:50.329
photo of it online. As you get in there, like...

01:32:50.859 --> 01:32:52.979
There's no fire. God, Chuck Schumer lives like

01:32:52.979 --> 01:32:55.340
that with his neighbors right next to him. These

01:32:55.340 --> 01:32:57.619
have burp, unless those are fake. Those are good

01:32:57.619 --> 01:32:59.979
dogs. Those are quality dogs. Those dogs look

01:32:59.979 --> 01:33:01.979
great. The burgers are trouble. Yeah, the burgers

01:33:01.979 --> 01:33:04.880
are bullshit. I don't know what's going on with

01:33:04.880 --> 01:33:08.279
the dogs. Decent tits, though. Kind of looks

01:33:08.279 --> 01:33:13.029
like fire there. That's actually a pretzel. Close

01:33:13.029 --> 01:33:16.689
in on that, Jamie. I can't get any closer. Okay,

01:33:16.689 --> 01:33:18.689
find a better photo. There's a little higher

01:33:18.689 --> 01:33:20.550
resolution. I thought that was fire, too, and

01:33:20.550 --> 01:33:22.930
I zoomed in. It looks like a pretzel that's stuck

01:33:22.930 --> 01:33:25.310
in between the grates. He's got his readers on

01:33:25.310 --> 01:33:29.500
the right. Check to see. I might be wrong. I

01:33:29.500 --> 01:33:31.579
don't think I am, though. See if you can find

01:33:31.579 --> 01:33:34.119
a more high -resolution photo. As you zoom in.

01:33:34.180 --> 01:33:35.920
I thought it was fire. Oh, the fire's underneath

01:33:35.920 --> 01:33:38.560
there. He just put the burgers down. Oh, Jesus.

01:33:38.659 --> 01:33:40.939
It's got grill marks on it. It's like a little

01:33:40.939 --> 01:33:43.020
bit. Those wieners are right out of the package.

01:33:43.119 --> 01:33:44.859
They come like that. The people making fun of

01:33:44.859 --> 01:33:47.579
them. Join the fight for free speech. He just

01:33:47.579 --> 01:33:50.659
goes, no thanks. First of all, if that's the

01:33:50.659 --> 01:33:52.920
grill marks you have on that patty, you don't

01:33:52.920 --> 01:33:55.079
know how to fucking cook a hamburger, you goddamn

01:33:55.079 --> 01:33:58.739
communist. Because you're cooking a hamburger

01:33:58.739 --> 01:34:01.260
only for TV or for the internet. You're not really

01:34:01.260 --> 01:34:04.720
cooking a hamburger to eat. I can't respect your

01:34:04.720 --> 01:34:07.699
fake game. Think about, like, think about when

01:34:07.699 --> 01:34:12.319
you see, as a man, who grills? When you see,

01:34:12.380 --> 01:34:15.300
like, comedians do the social media route. Think

01:34:15.300 --> 01:34:18.880
how bad politicians are. They're way worse. These

01:34:18.880 --> 01:34:21.460
comedians are like, people around you being like,

01:34:21.560 --> 01:34:23.800
dude, that's fucking lame. Take that down. AOC

01:34:23.800 --> 01:34:26.880
at the border crying. Yeah. And it was like,

01:34:27.020 --> 01:34:29.800
you know. Did you see Condoleezza, whatever the

01:34:29.800 --> 01:34:32.699
vice president is? No, whoever the lady is. Kamala

01:34:32.699 --> 01:34:34.060
Harris. Kamala Harris, yeah. Condoleezza Harris.

01:34:34.920 --> 01:34:37.140
She's clapping and singing along to a song that

01:34:37.140 --> 01:34:39.720
was like, burn America down or whatever it was.

01:34:39.899 --> 01:34:41.100
No, no, no, they were talking about her. She's

01:34:41.100 --> 01:34:43.579
a dumb bitch. And she's like. Yeah, and then

01:34:43.579 --> 01:34:44.920
someone had to inform her. They're actually yelling

01:34:44.920 --> 01:34:46.939
out, Kamala Harris is a dumb bitch. That's got

01:34:46.939 --> 01:34:48.960
to hurt. She's like, oh, that hurts. Well, that's

01:34:48.960 --> 01:34:51.279
not nice at all. Well, let's keep moving. I changed

01:34:51.279 --> 01:34:53.319
my mind. Let's keep moving. It's like when you

01:34:53.319 --> 01:34:55.180
think you're killing at the mothership and you're

01:34:55.180 --> 01:34:58.140
repeating jokes. You were killing. You were killing

01:34:58.140 --> 01:35:00.239
and repeating jokes at the same time. They're

01:35:00.239 --> 01:35:02.180
hiding that lady. It was the last time you saw

01:35:02.180 --> 01:35:05.380
her. I think she's sucking out some of Joe Biden's

01:35:05.380 --> 01:35:09.039
dementia. Did you see Jimmy Kimmel doing that

01:35:09.039 --> 01:35:11.739
thing with Barack Obama and Joe Biden? What are

01:35:11.739 --> 01:35:13.590
they doing? Like, Jimmy Kimmel's doing, like,

01:35:13.630 --> 01:35:16.189
shows with them. He brings them out, and they

01:35:16.189 --> 01:35:18.310
do, like, a show, like a fundraiser type deal.

01:35:18.470 --> 01:35:20.609
Yes, sitting on a stage, like in a theater. And

01:35:20.609 --> 01:35:23.590
then Obama has to walk Joe Biden off the stage.

01:35:24.430 --> 01:35:26.970
Imagine if they just changed the rules and said,

01:35:27.010 --> 01:35:29.630
you can keep running if you win. There's no term

01:35:29.630 --> 01:35:31.609
limits anymore. This is a crazy job. It's very

01:35:31.609 --> 01:35:33.609
hard to do. And Obama decides to run again. He

01:35:33.609 --> 01:35:36.210
wins like that. Joe, step out. Obama wins like

01:35:36.210 --> 01:35:38.789
that. Oh, yeah. People like Obama. If they just

01:35:38.789 --> 01:35:41.130
change that law. If they just change that law.

01:35:41.170 --> 01:35:43.829
Biden has now lost all his, hey, I'm friends

01:35:43.829 --> 01:35:47.149
with Obama cred. Bro, he's lost all his, I'm

01:35:47.149 --> 01:35:50.270
a competent human being who's not dying thread.

01:35:50.289 --> 01:35:52.050
It's crazy going to rural Australia and talking

01:35:52.050 --> 01:35:54.050
to people like, how do you rate Joe Biden? And

01:35:54.050 --> 01:35:56.090
I was like, I don't rate him at all. I don't

01:35:56.090 --> 01:35:58.050
follow politics. And they're like, nice. Well,

01:35:58.090 --> 01:35:59.649
Australia's got some problems, too. They had

01:35:59.649 --> 01:36:01.949
like a men behaving badly clause or whatever.

01:36:02.170 --> 01:36:03.630
Did you see that? What's that? What do you mean?

01:36:03.689 --> 01:36:06.390
Pull it up. There was something about how they're

01:36:06.390 --> 01:36:09.630
like, we've got to redefine men and change everything.

01:36:09.890 --> 01:36:11.970
Bro, they went woke. They went hard woke. And

01:36:11.970 --> 01:36:14.550
I never would have thought. I love Australia.

01:36:14.569 --> 01:36:16.909
The problem is the type of people that get into

01:36:16.909 --> 01:36:20.310
office are always nuts. And those type of people

01:36:20.310 --> 01:36:22.250
are the people that are going to get the university

01:36:22.250 --> 01:36:25.369
kids behind them. And we're going to push a progressive.

01:36:25.689 --> 01:36:29.119
That's just politics. Australia's not woke. Australia's

01:36:29.119 --> 01:36:30.260
fucking dirtbags. No, you're right. You're right.

01:36:30.319 --> 01:36:32.359
It's not Australia, but it's Australia politics

01:36:32.359 --> 01:36:35.460
as well. It's the Florida of the world. But it's

01:36:35.460 --> 01:36:37.699
always a fucking tyrannical feud that are opposing

01:36:37.699 --> 01:36:40.000
people being able to just do whatever the fuck

01:36:40.000 --> 01:36:42.420
they want. Australian people are wild. They're

01:36:42.420 --> 01:36:43.539
fun people, man. Is that what you're talking

01:36:43.539 --> 01:36:46.649
about? Maybe. What is it? Australia's Men Behavior

01:36:46.649 --> 01:36:48.729
Change Program? That's it, yeah. What is it?

01:36:48.850 --> 01:36:51.350
Behavior Change Program. Services for men looking

01:36:51.350 --> 01:36:53.829
to overcome a history of abusive behavior towards

01:36:53.829 --> 01:36:56.430
their female partner, including violence, coercive

01:36:56.430 --> 01:36:59.010
control, and... If this doesn't involve mushrooms,

01:36:59.189 --> 01:37:00.930
then they should shut the fuck up. You gotta

01:37:00.930 --> 01:37:02.810
take classes or something. Yeah, that's not gonna

01:37:02.810 --> 01:37:05.069
work. That's a bummer. Any classes you'd have

01:37:05.069 --> 01:37:07.920
to take? that would get you through, like, one,

01:37:08.140 --> 01:37:10.119
five grand. Joey Diaz had to take one class,

01:37:10.119 --> 01:37:13.020
and he avoided Seattle for 20 years. He's still

01:37:13.020 --> 01:37:16.079
avoiding it. He still won't go there. He still

01:37:16.079 --> 01:37:17.960
won't go there. He had to take one class. I'm

01:37:17.960 --> 01:37:19.760
like, don't be so rageful with strangers. He

01:37:19.760 --> 01:37:21.920
goes, I'll just leave the whole West Coast. Well,

01:37:21.939 --> 01:37:24.100
not only that. In Seattle, you could basically

01:37:24.100 --> 01:37:25.720
do anything, and they let you right out of jail.

01:37:26.460 --> 01:37:29.079
It's so crazy. And they're getting him for, like,

01:37:29.140 --> 01:37:31.340
what did he do? It was, like, parental stuff.

01:37:31.579 --> 01:37:34.159
It was, like, 70 years ago. I think he hit a

01:37:34.159 --> 01:37:36.699
guy. I think a guy, his ex -wife was dating.

01:37:37.340 --> 01:37:41.619
I think it was one of those things. I feel like

01:37:41.619 --> 01:37:44.180
you're allowed to hit that guy. It depends on

01:37:44.180 --> 01:37:45.979
who the guy is. It depends on who you are. But

01:37:45.979 --> 01:37:50.840
I support Joey Diaz staying out of Seattle. Seattle

01:37:50.840 --> 01:37:53.140
doesn't deserve him. He should do Spokane, though.

01:37:53.220 --> 01:37:54.659
He's a good Spokane guy. Spokane's the shit.

01:37:55.180 --> 01:37:58.359
You know what else is the shit? Tacoma. I did

01:37:58.359 --> 01:38:01.539
Tacoma with Dave. We did Tacoma Dome. That was

01:38:01.539 --> 01:38:02.680
the biggest show I ever did. I saw a monster

01:38:02.680 --> 01:38:05.800
truck rally there. I was doing this Tacoma Comedy

01:38:05.800 --> 01:38:07.920
Club. I went to the Tacoma Dome for a monster

01:38:07.920 --> 01:38:09.560
truck. I didn't know monster trucks were just

01:38:09.560 --> 01:38:13.189
for kids. No, I don't smoke kids. Fucking pedophile,

01:38:13.210 --> 01:38:14.630
dude. Retarded people are allowed to go, too.

01:38:14.750 --> 01:38:18.569
True. Dave and I broke the attendance record

01:38:18.569 --> 01:38:20.909
there. We did 25 ,000 people there. It was the

01:38:20.909 --> 01:38:22.949
nuttiest show I ever did. Damn. We were backstage,

01:38:23.109 --> 01:38:25.609
like, right before. When we first did our first

01:38:25.609 --> 01:38:27.449
few shows, what would happen is I would do my

01:38:27.449 --> 01:38:31.649
set, and Dave would have a DJ in between. He

01:38:31.649 --> 01:38:34.170
had, like, this whole thing, like, DJs. Oh, yeah.

01:38:34.189 --> 01:38:36.449
People would, like, play in music and shit. And

01:38:36.449 --> 01:38:38.750
so the DJ would introduce him. So I got offstage,

01:38:38.750 --> 01:38:41.069
and the DJ starts playing music. And Dave and

01:38:41.069 --> 01:38:42.449
I are standing there, and he just looks at us,

01:38:42.569 --> 01:38:44.590
and he goes, not a lot of motherfuckers get to

01:38:44.590 --> 01:38:46.789
do this. Wow. And we were just looking at it.

01:38:46.829 --> 01:38:50.250
It's one of the coolest moments ever that I used

01:38:50.250 --> 01:38:53.489
to remember. The other one was when Dave, the

01:38:53.489 --> 01:38:55.369
audience did not know Dave was going to go on

01:38:55.369 --> 01:39:00.069
stage. I was doing an arena in Columbus with

01:39:00.069 --> 01:39:03.510
Hinchcliffe, and I think Hans Klim. No. Yeah?

01:39:03.689 --> 01:39:06.350
Maybe Bronson? Krim. Was it Hans? It could have

01:39:06.350 --> 01:39:07.859
been both of them. Might have been both of them.

01:39:07.880 --> 01:39:11.039
Anyway, we're doing this giant ass arena in Columbus.

01:39:11.199 --> 01:39:14.600
And Dave shows up while Tony's on stage. And

01:39:14.600 --> 01:39:16.479
Tony doesn't even know whether or not he's going

01:39:16.479 --> 01:39:18.199
to bring up me or Dave. I go, Dave's coming.

01:39:18.279 --> 01:39:20.859
Because he said he's coming. So Tony is thinking

01:39:20.859 --> 01:39:23.659
he's bringing me up. But I'm walking with Dave

01:39:23.659 --> 01:39:27.300
up to the stage. And the audience realizes at

01:39:27.300 --> 01:39:29.239
a certain point that Dave's walking the stage.

01:39:29.600 --> 01:39:32.979
And it's a minute standing ovation. Damn. Like

01:39:32.979 --> 01:39:36.520
one solid minute. And me and Tony were just sitting

01:39:36.520 --> 01:39:40.020
there like, wow. Just looking around like, this

01:39:40.020 --> 01:39:42.439
is amazing. That's right. It's like we were on

01:39:42.439 --> 01:39:46.579
a drug. How many times do you get to see one

01:39:46.579 --> 01:39:50.300
person generate this kind of love? And just cool

01:39:50.300 --> 01:39:53.079
to see. Watch this. Watch this. This is Tony

01:39:53.079 --> 01:39:55.439
introducing him. I think we watched this last

01:39:55.439 --> 01:40:05.880
time. So he thinks it's me right now. And two

01:40:05.880 --> 01:40:11.880
of the best in the world. Look at Tony rolling

01:40:11.880 --> 01:40:14.060
with it instantly. They go bigger when they see

01:40:14.060 --> 01:40:23.539
him. Bro, one whole minute. That's a Super Bowl.

01:40:24.659 --> 01:40:27.119
What happened to the video? Tony's so happy.

01:40:27.399 --> 01:40:29.619
What happened to the video? Just froze. Just

01:40:29.619 --> 01:40:31.939
froze? So, trust me, it was one whole minute.

01:40:31.939 --> 01:40:33.689
That's a Super Bowl for those people. It was

01:40:33.689 --> 01:40:35.329
one whole minute, and then he points to the mic,

01:40:35.390 --> 01:40:40.510
and he goes, OH! It was amazing. Tony, roll with

01:40:40.510 --> 01:40:41.890
that fast, too, because he's bringing you up

01:40:41.890 --> 01:40:44.989
in the middle. He goes, I'm bringing up one of

01:40:44.989 --> 01:40:47.289
the greatest comics, and instantly he goes...

01:40:47.529 --> 01:40:50.170
Two of my best friends. He didn't change like

01:40:50.170 --> 01:40:53.409
that. He rolled fast. He saw it and changed.

01:40:53.810 --> 01:40:58.029
We had a thing. If it's Dave, come towards the

01:40:58.029 --> 01:40:59.670
stage with a light so I'll see your cell phone

01:40:59.670 --> 01:41:01.810
light. So I had the cell phone light and I was

01:41:01.810 --> 01:41:03.289
waving it towards him and he saw the two of us

01:41:03.289 --> 01:41:05.310
as we were walking up. One of my best friends,

01:41:05.430 --> 01:41:07.350
two of the best comedians in the world right

01:41:07.350 --> 01:41:10.390
in that moment. That's cool to think you went

01:41:10.390 --> 01:41:13.029
from the shitty Boston rooms to that. That's

01:41:13.029 --> 01:41:15.550
the cool thing about comedy. My favorite of those

01:41:15.550 --> 01:41:17.850
was hosting at the Cellar. She had me host for

01:41:17.850 --> 01:41:19.289
a while, and then she goes, you don't like hosting,

01:41:19.329 --> 01:41:22.029
do you? I'm like, no. I should be hosting. But

01:41:22.029 --> 01:41:24.850
I brought on Louie at his height at like 2016,

01:41:25.470 --> 01:41:28.409
2015. And I was like, and we're already friends,

01:41:28.569 --> 01:41:31.189
but I was like, please pop in. Please welcome

01:41:31.189 --> 01:41:33.069
Louie Seeker. And they're so fucking nuts in

01:41:33.069 --> 01:41:35.630
a 140 -seater. And I was like, do they always

01:41:35.630 --> 01:41:41.010
do this for you? And he goes, what? That's fun.

01:41:41.470 --> 01:41:44.130
When Dave came to the mothership, when the first

01:41:44.130 --> 01:41:45.970
week it was open, that was the same kind of deal,

01:41:46.029 --> 01:41:48.750
too. We had just started. Yeah, I opened for

01:41:48.750 --> 01:41:51.130
him. That's right. I bombed his little boy. No,

01:41:51.149 --> 01:41:52.970
you did not bomb. You're lying. You're lying.

01:41:53.149 --> 01:41:56.369
Not true. Shane bombed was like an A -. No, it

01:41:56.369 --> 01:41:58.369
wasn't. You didn't even remotely bomb. It was

01:41:58.369 --> 01:42:00.869
a great set. It was just the first time anyone

01:42:00.869 --> 01:42:03.289
had ever stepped foot on that stage. You were

01:42:03.289 --> 01:42:05.729
the first person to talk into that microphone

01:42:05.729 --> 01:42:08.270
in front of an audience. It was a stressful situation

01:42:08.270 --> 01:42:11.090
because Joe introduced it, and then I went up,

01:42:11.170 --> 01:42:13.369
and then you could just tell everyone. And it

01:42:13.369 --> 01:42:15.939
was all just. friends. You know what I mean?

01:42:15.960 --> 01:42:17.680
It wasn't like a regular crowd. It was Chappelle

01:42:17.680 --> 01:42:20.140
and all his people, Rogan back there, and then

01:42:20.140 --> 01:42:22.239
I got up there and I was like... You're lying.

01:42:22.539 --> 01:42:25.579
You're lying. We sold the tickets online on Twitter

01:42:25.579 --> 01:42:28.220
in five minutes. I said there's a special intimate

01:42:28.220 --> 01:42:31.399
show tonight at 11 .30. Come down. I feel like

01:42:31.399 --> 01:42:33.319
Chappelle had like 20 people with him. Well,

01:42:33.439 --> 01:42:35.659
he always has a boss. Yeah, there's 20 people

01:42:35.659 --> 01:42:36.819
in the back of that. But the place was packed.

01:42:37.260 --> 01:42:39.939
It was 110 people stuffed into this small room

01:42:39.939 --> 01:42:42.840
and no one knew who the show was I just said

01:42:42.840 --> 01:42:45.880
it's a special surprise intimate show and the

01:42:45.880 --> 01:42:47.399
place sold out And so they didn't even know who

01:42:47.399 --> 01:42:49.779
they were seeing why so they see you cuz you

01:42:49.779 --> 01:42:51.279
want to do little room the big room the night

01:42:51.279 --> 01:42:53.579
before I just wanted to fuck around and no one

01:42:53.579 --> 01:42:55.399
had done. He's like cuz he walked in He's like

01:42:55.399 --> 01:42:58.310
when are you gonna open up this big room? And

01:42:58.310 --> 01:42:59.829
I go, you want to do it tomorrow night? You want

01:42:59.829 --> 01:43:01.829
to do it tonight? He's like, let's do it. So

01:43:01.829 --> 01:43:03.510
it was like that simple. So I was like, okay,

01:43:03.550 --> 01:43:05.489
we're going to open up the big room. So the wait

01:43:05.489 --> 01:43:07.729
staff, everybody's brand new. Everyone's just

01:43:07.729 --> 01:43:09.829
like getting going. We'd only been open a day.

01:43:10.409 --> 01:43:12.909
Damn. I mean, maybe a couple days. We just started.

01:43:13.489 --> 01:43:15.489
We started. The whole idea was we're going to

01:43:15.489 --> 01:43:18.420
open up once. We're going to do one show. We're

01:43:18.420 --> 01:43:20.460
going to figure out what happens, see how everything

01:43:20.460 --> 01:43:22.779
goes, what we need to tighten up, and then do

01:43:22.779 --> 01:43:25.239
two shows, see how that goes. So we went with

01:43:25.239 --> 01:43:26.979
one show a night, and we said, okay, we're going

01:43:26.979 --> 01:43:28.739
to try two shows a night. And then we did a couple

01:43:28.739 --> 01:43:31.529
of these shows like that. And we never stopped.

01:43:31.829 --> 01:43:34.710
We never did the break. We just kept going. You

01:43:34.710 --> 01:43:37.829
kept thinking that the rah -rah -rah -ness of

01:43:37.829 --> 01:43:39.750
it would fade away in a month or two, and it

01:43:39.750 --> 01:43:42.729
just hasn't at all. Bro, I forget to post images

01:43:42.729 --> 01:43:44.810
sometimes that tickets are on sale, and I go,

01:43:44.829 --> 01:43:45.989
let me go check the website. They're fucking

01:43:45.989 --> 01:43:49.350
sold out. Like, immediately. Me and Mark did

01:43:49.350 --> 01:43:51.090
a show last night, and they were like, I mean,

01:43:51.130 --> 01:43:53.369
they put it up a week ago. And then they were

01:43:53.369 --> 01:43:55.029
like, all right, tickets are on sale, and it's

01:43:55.029 --> 01:43:58.159
14 minutes. Gone. Damn. That never happens to

01:43:58.159 --> 01:44:02.460
me. It's crazy. A block of cheese would sell

01:44:02.460 --> 01:44:05.439
out there. There's a bunch of hardcore comedy

01:44:05.439 --> 01:44:07.899
fans. And they're fucking honest with their laughs,

01:44:08.020 --> 01:44:10.680
too. They're honest with their laughs, too. They

01:44:10.680 --> 01:44:12.720
know when you're not really getting it right.

01:44:12.859 --> 01:44:15.359
And they know when you are, when you really go

01:44:15.359 --> 01:44:16.960
for something. But the thing is, they come. If

01:44:16.960 --> 01:44:18.359
you're an audience member, you come going like,

01:44:18.420 --> 01:44:19.760
hey, it's going to be a good night. And you're

01:44:19.760 --> 01:44:21.100
going to leave at minimum going, oh, that one

01:44:21.100 --> 01:44:22.399
guy was really good, the other guy. And then

01:44:22.399 --> 01:44:24.779
they see someone, suddenly it's like Tim Dillon.

01:44:24.880 --> 01:44:27.310
And they're like, that's not right! Yeah. Yeah.

01:44:28.390 --> 01:44:30.510
Anybody they know, it's like, they even better.

01:44:30.909 --> 01:44:33.869
Yeah. Bro, Theo Vaughn got popped the other day.

01:44:33.909 --> 01:44:35.890
Holy shit. What do you mean? He went on stage.

01:44:35.909 --> 01:44:38.109
They went crazy. He's one of the biggest comics

01:44:38.109 --> 01:44:40.189
in the world. No one gives a crazy response to

01:44:40.189 --> 01:44:42.310
Joey Diaz. When Joey Diaz went on the other day,

01:44:42.350 --> 01:44:44.930
literally people were like bouncing around in

01:44:44.930 --> 01:44:47.850
the crowd like it was a mosh pit. Like, yes.

01:44:48.449 --> 01:44:50.310
They're all so excited for each other. Like,

01:44:50.310 --> 01:44:52.130
you and your buddy are there and like, we did

01:44:52.130 --> 01:44:54.510
it. Yeah, we got it when Joey's there. Yeah.

01:44:55.200 --> 01:44:57.920
Damn. Have you gone to Dave's Club? I have not,

01:44:58.000 --> 01:45:00.220
but I will. I definitely will. I heard his restaurant's

01:45:00.220 --> 01:45:02.380
insane. Restaurant? Yeah, he's got a restaurant

01:45:02.380 --> 01:45:05.100
connected to it with some amazing five -star

01:45:05.100 --> 01:45:07.659
chef that he loves that he brought to Yellow

01:45:07.659 --> 01:45:10.000
Springs to work at his restaurant. Comedy's in

01:45:10.000 --> 01:45:12.399
a crazy space. It's so funny seeing these grown

01:45:12.399 --> 01:45:14.520
-up children have hundreds of millions of dollars.

01:45:14.840 --> 01:45:19.619
I know, right? It's bizarre. Damn, well, the

01:45:19.619 --> 01:45:22.560
Brady roast is like, it's crazy to see that much

01:45:22.560 --> 01:45:25.140
mainstream. Like, the biggest quarterback and

01:45:25.140 --> 01:45:27.579
the biggest comedians are interacting. The Brady

01:45:27.579 --> 01:45:31.819
roast was the number one show in Netflix history.

01:45:32.100 --> 01:45:35.199
Really? And your fucking stupid watch went off

01:45:35.199 --> 01:45:38.720
at the perfect time. The number one show was

01:45:38.720 --> 01:45:41.140
dirty comedy in the history of Netflix. That's

01:45:41.140 --> 01:45:43.289
right. That's it. There you go. The number one

01:45:43.289 --> 01:45:46.510
show. Nikki Glaser, Andrew Schultz, Tony Hinchcliffe,

01:45:46.590 --> 01:45:49.729
everybody going hard. Hard. Hard. That was the

01:45:49.729 --> 01:45:52.069
number one show in Netflix history. Love it.

01:45:52.350 --> 01:45:54.390
Fuck yeah. Most of that was yours. All right.

01:45:54.390 --> 01:45:57.069
You hear that, Sarandos? Quick censoring. They

01:45:57.069 --> 01:45:59.989
know. He knows. Okay. Sarandos is a good man.

01:46:00.029 --> 01:46:01.510
Actually, he's kind of a bro. Is he? He's a good

01:46:01.510 --> 01:46:03.789
man. Yeah, he's a good man. I saw him backstage.

01:46:03.930 --> 01:46:05.289
I didn't know who he was, and he was just looking

01:46:05.289 --> 01:46:08.869
at me backstage at the forum for Tony, and he

01:46:08.869 --> 01:46:10.250
just turns around. I just thought he was some

01:46:10.250 --> 01:46:12.380
guy. And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like,

01:46:12.439 --> 01:46:15.619
I'm cutting a hole in Kobe. Brian Jersey so I

01:46:15.619 --> 01:46:17.720
can put my dick through it. It's like, come on.

01:46:18.000 --> 01:46:21.060
And he's like, oh, cool. I was like, who was

01:46:21.060 --> 01:46:22.739
that guy? Like, he runs Netflix. I'm like, oh,

01:46:22.899 --> 01:46:26.460
that's that guy? Oh, shit. You worked for him.

01:46:31.399 --> 01:46:34.399
You did a fucking two -part special for him.

01:46:34.600 --> 01:46:37.539
Yeah, it's true. You did a two -part special.

01:46:37.699 --> 01:46:39.500
But that's comedy. That's what comedy's supposed

01:46:39.500 --> 01:46:41.159
to be. Well, he was there for it. Well, that's

01:46:41.159 --> 01:46:46.340
what comedy can be. If you let it go as wild

01:46:46.340 --> 01:46:49.880
as it should. Yes. The only way you find out

01:46:49.880 --> 01:46:51.380
what the limits are is you let Brian Holtzman

01:46:51.380 --> 01:46:54.300
on stage. You find out what the limits are. We

01:46:54.300 --> 01:46:56.659
got Brian Holtzman on our stage all the fucking

01:46:56.659 --> 01:46:58.579
time. And we have him headlined. He's a limit

01:46:58.579 --> 01:47:01.079
tester. We have him headlined. Instead of putting

01:47:01.079 --> 01:47:02.939
him at the end of the night, we have Brian's

01:47:02.939 --> 01:47:05.399
headlining. That is the end of the night. In

01:47:05.399 --> 01:47:09.319
the big room. But no, he's doing regular shows.

01:47:09.859 --> 01:47:12.239
And it's not like a long show where it's two

01:47:12.239 --> 01:47:13.939
in the morning, you finally get to see him, and

01:47:13.939 --> 01:47:15.939
he goes crazy. No, he does whatever the fuck

01:47:15.939 --> 01:47:17.359
he wants. But that's how, when we started, that's

01:47:17.359 --> 01:47:19.720
where he was. Tommy relegated him. He used to

01:47:19.720 --> 01:47:21.840
be just somewhere towards the end, but still

01:47:21.840 --> 01:47:23.439
like second, third. Thank you, sir. Thank you,

01:47:23.460 --> 01:47:26.560
sir. But he's so, I didn't know who he was, because

01:47:26.560 --> 01:47:28.199
I was in L .A. So you see him, he's like in a

01:47:28.199 --> 01:47:30.180
polo shirt, buttoned up, with Jackie pants. Sharkskin

01:47:30.180 --> 01:47:31.779
suit. Yeah, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?

01:47:31.779 --> 01:47:33.840
Is there another show, another song that we can

01:47:33.840 --> 01:47:35.880
go with other than that? What's another one?

01:47:36.189 --> 01:47:37.850
How about that one that the bull ran out to?

01:47:38.630 --> 01:47:41.189
Yeah, that's a good one. Thank you, Ari. Perfect.

01:47:41.369 --> 01:47:44.409
Perfect dancer. Time to be in America so at least

01:47:44.409 --> 01:47:47.770
I know I'm free. Jamie, please cue it up. At

01:47:47.770 --> 01:47:50.789
least the hostages. Oh, Jesus. Hold on, hold

01:47:50.789 --> 01:47:52.609
on. Wait, wait, wait. Norman, you're not even

01:47:52.609 --> 01:47:55.050
really Jewish, right? No. Norman's not Jewish.

01:47:55.090 --> 01:47:58.609
Everyone thinks I'm a Jew. Come on. I kind of

01:47:58.609 --> 01:48:00.270
suck at it. Oh, you want to do it with us? You

01:48:00.270 --> 01:48:02.510
want a knife? I got a knife. I'll do it then.

01:48:04.869 --> 01:48:06.869
What do you got, shotgunning? You got to open

01:48:06.869 --> 01:48:09.189
it. Oh, nice. Yeah, Norman. That's better than

01:48:09.189 --> 01:48:12.090
the eagle. I like a shotgun. Shut your fucking

01:48:12.090 --> 01:48:14.970
dirty communist mouth. This is the eagle. Oh,

01:48:14.970 --> 01:48:16.789
right in the middle. Interesting. Here we go.

01:48:18.470 --> 01:48:20.970
Why are you going to cut his mouth with that

01:48:20.970 --> 01:48:23.109
fucking terrible shitty job you did? Yeah, what

01:48:23.109 --> 01:48:25.649
are you doing? You're going to kill my lip. No,

01:48:25.710 --> 01:48:27.270
I'm sorry. You drink out of the front. I'm stupid.

01:48:28.090 --> 01:48:29.550
You don't drink out of the hole. No, you don't.

01:48:29.550 --> 01:48:30.949
I'm right. You drink out of the hole. Yeah, you

01:48:30.949 --> 01:48:32.909
fucking idiot. Fair enough. You need to drink

01:48:32.909 --> 01:48:34.109
out of the hole. You doubted yourself for a second.

01:48:34.130 --> 01:48:36.170
I did. Yeah, get the bottle. I'm not much of

01:48:36.170 --> 01:48:39.329
a fucking... I did doubt myself. You got me.

01:48:39.609 --> 01:48:42.329
You son of a bitch. You said it with such confidence.

01:48:42.390 --> 01:48:44.430
I almost believed it. There you go. Easy. Yeah,

01:48:44.470 --> 01:48:47.409
but just don't give a jagged edge for Mr. Norman.

01:48:47.510 --> 01:48:50.789
He needs his lips. Play some jagged edge, dude.

01:48:50.850 --> 01:48:53.210
Fuck this. No, no, no. Shut the fuck up. I'm

01:48:53.210 --> 01:48:55.409
proud to be an American. I am. Honestly, I am.

01:48:56.840 --> 01:49:09.079
Here we go. Here we go. We're still number one.

01:49:09.220 --> 01:49:16.779
We're number one. Well, listen. We're number

01:49:16.779 --> 01:49:21.140
one in comedy. I'm gluten intolerant. By a long

01:49:21.140 --> 01:49:23.720
stretch. Suck it, England. All you UK bitches,

01:49:23.760 --> 01:49:28.779
sit down. Finish it. Mark. Do it. Mark spews

01:49:28.779 --> 01:49:31.100
it out. They got to do a slow -mo. Mark fucking

01:49:31.100 --> 01:49:34.779
spews every direction. We have something else

01:49:34.779 --> 01:49:38.060
for those two. The hole is so big. It's a big

01:49:38.060 --> 01:49:40.079
hole. If we go down, boys, we're going to go

01:49:40.079 --> 01:49:42.579
down having a good ass time. Everybody dies.

01:49:43.600 --> 01:49:45.380
But not everybody lives. We're going to get in

01:49:45.380 --> 01:49:48.039
that bunker. We're going to have new suits. I've

01:49:48.039 --> 01:49:49.640
thought about the bunker. I thought about sitting

01:49:49.640 --> 01:49:51.340
there. LaMare lives with me. I thought about

01:49:51.340 --> 01:49:54.039
being like. Bunk it up. Him being like, can I

01:49:54.039 --> 01:49:57.359
go? Maybe I'll. I don't know, dude. You'd be

01:49:57.359 --> 01:49:59.359
like, Lemaire, this place is yours now. Lemaire,

01:49:59.699 --> 01:50:01.300
you're a real meaty man. Would he fall apart

01:50:01.300 --> 01:50:02.500
in the bunker? Would he eat all the crackers?

01:50:02.800 --> 01:50:05.460
He would eat a lot of them. He'd be Hurley. He'd

01:50:05.460 --> 01:50:07.119
be Hurley sneaking off for food. We're going

01:50:07.119 --> 01:50:09.279
to need things like crackers. You're going to

01:50:09.279 --> 01:50:11.520
need sustaining food. You need stuff that lasts

01:50:11.520 --> 01:50:14.220
on a shelf forever. That can just keep you alive.

01:50:14.579 --> 01:50:17.399
Tuna? And you need iodine tablets. You need a

01:50:17.399 --> 01:50:19.579
lot of iodine tablets. See, this is why we need

01:50:19.579 --> 01:50:22.100
you. I don't know about iodine. You need tablets

01:50:22.100 --> 01:50:24.000
so you can drop in regular water so you can drink

01:50:24.000 --> 01:50:26.340
it. It's going to taste like shit, but you're

01:50:26.340 --> 01:50:27.640
going to have to drink it just to stay alive.

01:50:27.920 --> 01:50:29.640
You might have to drink your own piss. And we

01:50:29.640 --> 01:50:33.739
need to kill ourselves. No. That's cyanide. We

01:50:33.739 --> 01:50:39.479
need to start eating assholes. Too late. I'm

01:50:39.479 --> 01:50:42.159
on it. When we catch a shitty person, we got

01:50:42.159 --> 01:50:44.600
to eat them. Yeah, that's the way to go. You

01:50:44.600 --> 01:50:48.079
ever eaten people? Not yet. What? I wanted to

01:50:48.079 --> 01:50:49.739
eat a coyote once. These coyotes were killing

01:50:49.739 --> 01:50:54.279
my chicken, and I had this idea. I set up a bird's

01:50:54.279 --> 01:50:56.960
nest on one of my balconies. No, I wouldn't.

01:50:57.479 --> 01:51:00.899
Work will set you free. This was my plan. These

01:51:00.899 --> 01:51:03.060
coyotes ate a bunch of my chickens, man. So I

01:51:03.060 --> 01:51:06.100
tied one of the dead chickens to a vase, like

01:51:06.100 --> 01:51:09.000
a big ceramic vase, and I put it 30 yards off

01:51:09.000 --> 01:51:11.520
of this ledge. And I sat on the ledge with my

01:51:11.520 --> 01:51:14.859
bow. And the coyote was coming, and my daughter

01:51:14.859 --> 01:51:17.699
was five at the time, starts yelling, Coyote!

01:51:18.279 --> 01:51:21.890
It's a coyote! I'm like, ooh. I had this motherfucker.

01:51:22.170 --> 01:51:24.130
I had him. He was coming in. He was sneaking

01:51:24.130 --> 01:51:26.090
around. He smelled the chicken. Oh, yeah. I was

01:51:26.090 --> 01:51:28.430
going to eat him. I was going to cut his back

01:51:28.430 --> 01:51:30.989
straps off. And I was going to barbecue it. I

01:51:30.989 --> 01:51:33.789
was going to grill it. And then after I grilled

01:51:33.789 --> 01:51:35.710
it, I was going to take a shit in a hefty bag.

01:51:35.869 --> 01:51:38.329
I had a plan. What? And I was going to throw

01:51:38.329 --> 01:51:40.170
the hefty bag over the fence. Like, there's your

01:51:40.170 --> 01:51:43.949
friend, bitch. Whoa. I had a plan. Now, you got

01:51:43.949 --> 01:51:45.970
to skin that thing. I was going to skin it. I

01:51:45.970 --> 01:51:47.489
was going to cut off his back strap. Is that

01:51:47.489 --> 01:51:49.409
normal food? You can eat it. It's not good. Stop

01:51:49.409 --> 01:51:50.390
doing what you're doing. You just have to make

01:51:50.390 --> 01:51:52.449
sure that you really cook the shit out of it

01:51:52.449 --> 01:51:54.649
to get all the parasites and trichinosis out

01:51:54.649 --> 01:51:56.789
of it. What the fuck are you pissing in? What?

01:51:57.069 --> 01:51:59.069
Are you pissing? What are you doing? Why don't

01:51:59.069 --> 01:52:00.729
you just go to the bathroom, bro? I did that

01:52:00.729 --> 01:52:03.329
already. But just go back again. Go to the bathroom

01:52:03.329 --> 01:52:04.630
again. You know who's got to touch these? J -Mo

01:52:04.630 --> 01:52:06.329
has to touch that. Yeah, he doesn't like that.

01:52:06.449 --> 01:52:07.810
He doesn't like it. No one likes that. What are

01:52:07.810 --> 01:52:09.449
you peeing in? Why would anyone like that? What

01:52:09.449 --> 01:52:10.930
is it? What is the object that you're peeing

01:52:10.930 --> 01:52:12.090
in? He's pissing into a can. I'm trying to fucking

01:52:12.090 --> 01:52:14.789
help Shane with his... Oh, come on, Ari. That's

01:52:14.789 --> 01:52:18.689
so gross. That's so gross. Sorry. Don't do that

01:52:18.689 --> 01:52:21.369
anymore. Just go outside and piss outside. You

01:52:21.369 --> 01:52:23.109
can go to the bathroom. That shit sucks. That

01:52:23.109 --> 01:52:25.210
sucks what you just did. Ari was mad that we

01:52:25.210 --> 01:52:27.050
didn't have a bathroom right outside the door.

01:52:27.149 --> 01:52:28.270
Why don't you have a bathroom right outside the

01:52:28.270 --> 01:52:30.130
door? That'd be nice. I love the walk out to

01:52:30.130 --> 01:52:31.750
the bathroom. It's not that bad of a walk, Ari.

01:52:31.770 --> 01:52:33.649
The sun's out. You see those guys. You go, holy

01:52:33.649 --> 01:52:35.189
shit. Oh, yeah. Isn't it really important that

01:52:35.189 --> 01:52:36.970
you have to dig into the concrete and lay new

01:52:36.970 --> 01:52:39.069
pipes so you don't have to walk 10 steps? How

01:52:39.069 --> 01:52:42.289
much do you piss on your hands? Dirty bastard.

01:52:43.390 --> 01:52:46.289
Ari's pissed in my podcast studio more than any

01:52:46.289 --> 01:52:48.750
human being. Really? Probably by a mile. No one

01:52:48.750 --> 01:52:51.210
else has. Probably zero is the second. Number

01:52:51.210 --> 01:52:53.729
two is zero. He pissed in a jug. He pissed in

01:52:53.729 --> 01:52:55.470
here. Has anybody else pissed in a jug? Yeah,

01:52:55.470 --> 01:52:57.609
so many times. No, no one else. Oh, I pissed

01:52:57.609 --> 01:52:59.210
in the pitcher once. You pissed in a pitcher.

01:52:59.210 --> 01:53:01.229
That's right, you did. You pissed in that water

01:53:01.229 --> 01:53:02.989
pitcher that we currently use. We had to wash

01:53:02.989 --> 01:53:05.369
it out. Oh, no. We should eventually wash this

01:53:05.369 --> 01:53:07.989
out. You used that again? Cheers. All right.

01:53:07.989 --> 01:53:13.130
I just pissed. I just pissed. Damn, I didn't

01:53:13.130 --> 01:53:15.729
even know Jamie hated you. Until that. Is that

01:53:15.729 --> 01:53:19.529
true? You hate me? Yeah. Who cleaned up my puke?

01:53:19.550 --> 01:53:23.949
I'm proud to be an American. I think we actually

01:53:23.949 --> 01:53:26.710
made you clean it up. The puke? Yeah. No way.

01:53:26.770 --> 01:53:29.170
You remember when you slept on the floor, and

01:53:29.170 --> 01:53:31.029
I went out there and played pool for three hours,

01:53:31.210 --> 01:53:34.630
and then finally you woke up? I came out. I came

01:53:34.630 --> 01:53:38.029
out. I fell asleep during a podcast, and then

01:53:38.029 --> 01:53:40.810
I woke up, and Joe's playing with three of the

01:53:40.810 --> 01:53:42.529
top five pool players in the world. I'm like,

01:53:42.609 --> 01:53:48.050
hey, buddy. Passing out during a podcast is crazy.

01:53:48.670 --> 01:53:50.909
Yeah, we had pool players over here. We were

01:53:50.909 --> 01:53:54.710
having fun. Ari came out stumbling. How you doing,

01:53:54.810 --> 01:53:58.270
man? I'm going to go home. Well, I'm proud to

01:53:58.270 --> 01:54:01.670
be an American. And did a show later. Awesome

01:54:01.670 --> 01:54:04.770
photos. Yeah, we really fucked with your head.

01:54:04.770 --> 01:54:08.310
Sleeping in the closet behind the stage is wild.

01:54:08.630 --> 01:54:11.270
I got a good hour of sleep in there. Sometimes

01:54:11.270 --> 01:54:13.899
it's got to go. It's got to go down. It's got

01:54:13.899 --> 01:54:15.960
to happen the way it happens. Yeah. Sometimes

01:54:15.960 --> 01:54:17.779
you've got to lay down where you are. I tried

01:54:17.779 --> 01:54:19.779
to stand up. I couldn't do it. All right, this

01:54:19.779 --> 01:54:24.539
is it. That's it. He's in a fucking cubby hole

01:54:24.539 --> 01:54:27.859
behind the comedy club. Just boxes and ladders.

01:54:28.560 --> 01:54:30.699
Bro, that's like a migrant. There's so much storage

01:54:30.699 --> 01:54:33.180
equipment. I swear to God that club's alive.

01:54:34.180 --> 01:54:36.060
It's a fun time. Dude, I looked in the cubby.

01:54:36.060 --> 01:54:39.039
It's like clean as a whistle. I think the club's

01:54:39.039 --> 01:54:41.930
alive. When I first walked into that building,

01:54:42.010 --> 01:54:44.869
I was like, whoa. What a vibe. It's been around

01:54:44.869 --> 01:54:46.810
for so long. When you have a building that's

01:54:46.810 --> 01:54:49.430
been around for almost 100 years, it's got a

01:54:49.430 --> 01:54:52.250
feeling inside of it. The first place I went

01:54:52.250 --> 01:54:54.409
to, the cult house that I almost built the club

01:54:54.409 --> 01:54:57.189
at. That place was dope. Did you ever see the

01:54:57.189 --> 01:54:59.729
cult place? Nah. I still think about buying it.

01:54:59.850 --> 01:55:03.370
Is that the one that sunk in the sewage? No,

01:55:03.370 --> 01:55:05.750
no, I'll tell you the whole story off air. There's

01:55:05.750 --> 01:55:08.050
an issue. There's a couple of issues, but not

01:55:08.050 --> 01:55:11.470
issues that couldn't be fixed. I thought about

01:55:11.470 --> 01:55:14.310
doing like if we get crazy big, like if we keep

01:55:14.310 --> 01:55:16.630
growing to have like, you know how like Mitzi

01:55:16.630 --> 01:55:19.430
had the Westwood Comedy Store? Not far away.

01:55:19.529 --> 01:55:21.630
Not far away. I thought about doing that. I thought

01:55:21.630 --> 01:55:23.729
about doing. I like that idea. Another one. Because

01:55:23.729 --> 01:55:26.430
you can only really have one A -level headliner

01:55:26.430 --> 01:55:28.130
in town on the weekend. That's a great idea.

01:55:28.130 --> 01:55:30.170
So if Fahim's here, then Mark can't be here.

01:55:30.170 --> 01:55:31.699
You know another thing I thought about? Yeah.

01:55:31.859 --> 01:55:34.000
Buying a theater. I've talked to you. Don't say

01:55:34.000 --> 01:55:35.779
the name, but I thought about buying a theater

01:55:35.779 --> 01:55:38.000
in town and having like big name headliners in

01:55:38.000 --> 01:55:39.760
every weekend. That's a great theater. Yeah.

01:55:39.840 --> 01:55:42.739
And also the idea is like you're always going

01:55:42.739 --> 01:55:45.100
to be able to have like top level comics come

01:55:45.100 --> 01:55:47.239
in and do theaters. So you have them come and

01:55:47.239 --> 01:55:50.220
do theaters. You have them available for pop

01:55:50.220 --> 01:55:52.359
-ins any night of the week. Come on by. We're

01:55:52.359 --> 01:55:53.439
all friends. And then you don't have to take

01:55:53.439 --> 01:55:55.739
that fucking terrible Live Nation deal where

01:55:55.739 --> 01:55:58.140
they fucking rob the shit out of you. I don't

01:55:58.140 --> 01:56:00.659
care. I'm not in it for the money. I agree. I'm

01:56:00.659 --> 01:56:02.479
in it for funsies. No, I'm saying it would be

01:56:02.479 --> 01:56:04.420
nice as a comic not to have to say that we get

01:56:04.420 --> 01:56:06.840
the first 85%. But I do stuff with Live Nation,

01:56:06.979 --> 01:56:09.960
too. What's going on with them right now? I'm

01:56:09.960 --> 01:56:13.359
in it for funsies. That's what I'm in it for.

01:56:14.279 --> 01:56:16.399
There's not enough time in the world for me to

01:56:16.399 --> 01:56:18.000
pay attention to all the business bullshit. I

01:56:18.000 --> 01:56:20.399
feel bad about the scalping. Okay, well, I don't

01:56:20.399 --> 01:56:22.359
do that. Here's one thing that I don't do. I

01:56:22.359 --> 01:56:24.800
don't do that thing where they scalp on purpose.

01:56:25.159 --> 01:56:28.279
Like Bruce Springsteen, a lot of these fucking...

01:56:28.279 --> 01:56:30.899
You think you would never do it? You talk to

01:56:30.899 --> 01:56:32.859
me about that, and then I talk to you about that.

01:56:33.900 --> 01:56:36.539
Whatever that program is where the artist gets

01:56:36.539 --> 01:56:38.279
to – I don't do that. They raise the price? I'm

01:56:38.279 --> 01:56:40.020
not doing that. No, if somebody scalps, there's

01:56:40.020 --> 01:56:42.539
an option for the artist to – the artist. Jesus,

01:56:42.619 --> 01:56:45.119
I'm kidding. You know what I mean. That's how

01:56:45.119 --> 01:56:46.619
they talk. That's why I'm talking that way. To

01:56:46.619 --> 01:56:49.260
do what? You can make the money. So let's say

01:56:49.260 --> 01:56:51.939
– so I put my tickets on sale for like $40. Yeah.

01:56:53.020 --> 01:56:55.539
Somebody scalps it and sells it for $300. Yep.

01:56:55.600 --> 01:57:00.189
I get $300. How do you get it? Isn't that exactly

01:57:00.189 --> 01:57:02.130
what the program is? No, the program is different.

01:57:02.229 --> 01:57:06.050
The program is you have a platinum thing where

01:57:06.050 --> 01:57:09.770
the really nice tickets go for crazy money because

01:57:09.770 --> 01:57:11.729
everybody knows Taylor Swift is the bomb diggity,

01:57:11.789 --> 01:57:13.930
so they want to pay for it. Whatever the band

01:57:13.930 --> 01:57:15.810
is. If the scalpers are selling this for $1 ,000,

01:57:15.890 --> 01:57:19.149
we'll sell it for... I'm not interested. If someone

01:57:19.149 --> 01:57:21.229
scalps, they scalp. That's just how the world

01:57:21.229 --> 01:57:22.590
works. But no, you have that thing where you

01:57:22.590 --> 01:57:24.489
have to show your ID of the person who bought

01:57:24.489 --> 01:57:27.270
it. That's the club. That cuts down hell. At

01:57:27.270 --> 01:57:29.930
the beginning of the club, it was a real issue.

01:57:30.130 --> 01:57:33.569
So what we came up with at the club, so at the

01:57:33.569 --> 01:57:38.130
club, if you wanted to buy 100 tickets to my

01:57:38.130 --> 01:57:40.829
club, if you just were a wild dude, wanted to

01:57:40.829 --> 01:57:42.550
buy 100 tickets and sell them for $1 ,000 each,

01:57:42.829 --> 01:57:45.590
meanwhile, you could just do that. And if you

01:57:45.590 --> 01:57:50.090
didn't have to show your ID and who you are.

01:57:50.800 --> 01:57:53.539
you would be able to resell those tickets. Some

01:57:53.539 --> 01:57:56.659
guy comes from Scotland. I want to see his show.

01:57:56.699 --> 01:57:58.420
It's sold out. Fuck, I flew all the way over

01:57:58.420 --> 01:58:03.029
here. How much? A thousand bucks. Okay, I'll

01:58:03.029 --> 01:58:05.430
go online, I'll do whatever, I'll find some website,

01:58:05.649 --> 01:58:08.270
I'll buy the tickets. We have it so that if you

01:58:08.270 --> 01:58:11.090
buy, if Ari Shaffir buys two tickets, you have

01:58:11.090 --> 01:58:14.289
to show your license, you're you, I look at your

01:58:14.289 --> 01:58:16.609
face, facial recognition, I know who you are,

01:58:16.670 --> 01:58:20.069
and then you get to buy two tickets, and those

01:58:20.069 --> 01:58:22.029
are only your tickets. You can't resell them.

01:58:22.109 --> 01:58:24.670
You can't resell them to Bob for 500 bucks. You

01:58:24.670 --> 01:58:28.090
can't do any of that. But the idea is like, stop

01:58:28.090 --> 01:58:31.180
thinking about money so much. Money is only fun

01:58:31.180 --> 01:58:33.899
coupons. But you're a zillionaire. No, no, no.

01:58:34.079 --> 01:58:36.220
But this is why. You're thinking about the money

01:58:36.220 --> 01:58:38.319
of the customer. That's what I'm thinking. Exactly.

01:58:39.100 --> 01:58:41.100
But that's also, I'm not thinking about making

01:58:41.100 --> 01:58:43.140
more money. No, sure. We're talking about them

01:58:43.140 --> 01:58:45.760
getting screwed. I made the club specifically

01:58:45.760 --> 01:58:48.399
to break even. My thought is, I just don't want

01:58:48.399 --> 01:58:51.060
to lose any money. I want to make it the... Best

01:58:51.060 --> 01:58:53.439
environment for comedy and not lose money, and

01:58:53.439 --> 01:58:56.119
that's my goal. I want to pay people well, have

01:58:56.119 --> 01:58:58.640
a good time. That's my goal. Yeah, but one of

01:58:58.640 --> 01:59:00.739
the ways you did that was to stop that scalping.

01:59:01.000 --> 01:59:02.619
Yes. Well, that's for the audience. So you're

01:59:02.619 --> 01:59:04.060
paying a fair price. So the audience doesn't

01:59:04.060 --> 01:59:05.899
have to feel like shit. I know it's hard to get

01:59:05.899 --> 01:59:07.079
tickets, but at least you're not going to get

01:59:07.079 --> 01:59:09.899
fucked. Right. It'll be harder to get tickets

01:59:09.899 --> 01:59:11.640
if you're coming from Japan. Yeah, it's harder.

01:59:11.800 --> 01:59:13.600
I'm sorry. Yeah, but everyone buying a ticket

01:59:13.600 --> 01:59:16.039
is intending to come. That's a human being that

01:59:16.039 --> 01:59:18.939
buys two tickets. You're on a date. You got your

01:59:18.939 --> 01:59:21.140
tickets. That's it. It's popular. That's it.

01:59:21.239 --> 01:59:24.399
And yeah, there's only 250 seats. Okay. That's

01:59:24.399 --> 01:59:26.640
just what it is. But at least no one's getting

01:59:26.640 --> 01:59:28.859
fucked. Right. The people that are there, everybody

01:59:28.859 --> 01:59:33.300
there is going to have a fair, great time. Great

01:59:33.300 --> 01:59:36.539
wait staff. Great, nice people managing. Everybody's

01:59:36.539 --> 01:59:38.520
fun. That's what I mean, but if you go see a

01:59:38.520 --> 01:59:40.340
music show with someone you like, and you're

01:59:40.340 --> 01:59:42.439
like, okay, these are two $40 tickets. You get

01:59:42.439 --> 01:59:44.300
one and one for your friend. And then it's like,

01:59:44.380 --> 01:59:47.939
you owe us $130. And you're like... Wait, what

01:59:47.939 --> 01:59:50.760
do you mean? Oh, fees? With all the five -inch

01:59:50.760 --> 01:59:52.520
ticket mastership. That's an issue. It's quite

01:59:52.520 --> 01:59:55.079
annoying. Yeah, but it's also... You avoid that.

01:59:55.119 --> 01:59:57.760
The scalping. You'd think they would do something

01:59:57.760 --> 02:00:00.720
about the scalping. For all those percentages.

02:00:01.180 --> 02:00:05.760
But also, as someone with money, someone's coming

02:00:05.760 --> 02:00:07.920
to town, and I find out Roger Waters is in town,

02:00:07.979 --> 02:00:09.819
and I don't have his number, and I can get tickets

02:00:09.819 --> 02:00:12.460
for like 500 bucks online. Like, oh, shit. Let

02:00:12.460 --> 02:00:14.619
me buy them. Yeah, but I feel bad if somebody

02:00:14.619 --> 02:00:18.260
comes to my show, and I set my tickets as low

02:00:18.260 --> 02:00:19.979
as possible, because it's like, dude, you're

02:00:19.979 --> 02:00:23.229
seeing me in a theater. You know, it's not a

02:00:23.229 --> 02:00:25.149
comedy club. It's like, make it 40 bucks. You

02:00:25.149 --> 02:00:26.829
just have to make it so that the people have

02:00:26.829 --> 02:00:29.270
to show their ID to get the tickets. That's the

02:00:29.270 --> 02:00:30.430
way to do it. They're never going to do that.

02:00:30.430 --> 02:00:32.590
Why wouldn't Ticketmaster... It's hard to do

02:00:32.590 --> 02:00:35.840
in a... Get it done. Because they have a vested

02:00:35.840 --> 02:00:38.140
interest in making the most money possible. They're

02:00:38.140 --> 02:00:39.680
a publicly traded company. They also did a thing

02:00:39.680 --> 02:00:41.720
where they sold off like 10 % of their tickets

02:00:41.720 --> 02:00:44.180
to another ticketing company they own so that

02:00:44.180 --> 02:00:46.659
they could sell it for twice as much. Yeah. And

02:00:46.659 --> 02:00:50.340
AEG or whatever, the Dorphin one, caught them.

02:00:50.439 --> 02:00:52.939
Listen, man. Coke doesn't snort itself. Yeah.

02:00:53.119 --> 02:00:58.720
Okay? Whores don't get paid with hugs. We got

02:00:58.720 --> 02:01:01.199
to go. That's how I try to pay. I can use a hug.

02:01:01.359 --> 02:01:03.159
I try to. That's how I pay. We all can use a

02:01:03.159 --> 02:01:05.000
hug. You ever had a hug when you haven't had

02:01:05.000 --> 02:01:07.659
a hug in forever? Oh, it's nice. When I first

02:01:07.659 --> 02:01:10.000
moved to LA, when I was working on a TV show,

02:01:10.100 --> 02:01:12.039
I had no friends. And I would just go to the

02:01:12.039 --> 02:01:13.960
comedy store and go to work. And this lady that

02:01:13.960 --> 02:01:15.880
I work with at the sitcom that I was doing, she

02:01:15.880 --> 02:01:18.899
gave me a hug. And it was like I needed it. You

02:01:18.899 --> 02:01:21.000
got wood? No, I didn't get wood. I got like,

02:01:21.079 --> 02:01:24.539
oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nice hug.

02:01:24.640 --> 02:01:26.420
Like, hi, how are you? She gave me a hug. I was

02:01:26.420 --> 02:01:29.159
like, oh, thank you. Did your dad hug? I felt

02:01:29.159 --> 02:01:30.979
so much better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My family's

02:01:30.979 --> 02:01:32.380
loving it. Theo used to be a hugger. They're

02:01:32.380 --> 02:01:34.199
very loving. Professional hugger. My parents

02:01:34.199 --> 02:01:37.939
are very loving and huggy. Really? Yeah, I think

02:01:37.939 --> 02:01:39.859
that's, when people don't do that with their

02:01:39.859 --> 02:01:41.859
kids, like, God damn, I'm trying to toughen my

02:01:41.859 --> 02:01:44.640
kid up. Hug life. Yeah, that's not the way. Theo

02:01:44.640 --> 02:01:46.439
used to give hugs for, like, that was part of

02:01:46.439 --> 02:01:48.939
a program. Really? He would hug people, yeah.

02:01:50.060 --> 02:01:51.939
I'm not making it up. That's weird. He was like

02:01:51.939 --> 02:01:54.420
a cuddler and a hugger. Whoa. How old were these

02:01:54.420 --> 02:01:57.590
people? Some pretty old. He did do that old lady

02:01:57.590 --> 02:01:59.630
thing. Some pretty old, yeah. We used to call

02:01:59.630 --> 02:02:02.329
him Punch R .O. Punch. Really? Old ladies is

02:02:02.329 --> 02:02:04.010
nice. He was like a cuddler. When an old lady

02:02:04.010 --> 02:02:05.470
hasn't gotten a hug in a while and you give her

02:02:05.470 --> 02:02:07.210
one and she's like, hmm. Yeah, it was a program

02:02:07.210 --> 02:02:09.510
to help people who needed contact. My dad would

02:02:09.510 --> 02:02:11.970
do the shoulder tap. That was my dad's hug. You

02:02:11.970 --> 02:02:13.829
didn't get a hug? No. That's what happened. They're

02:02:13.829 --> 02:02:16.430
there now. Yeah. That's what happened. Mom hugged,

02:02:16.430 --> 02:02:20.409
but dad would be like, no. My family's Italian.

02:02:20.590 --> 02:02:23.170
They're all huggers. Oh, yeah. Everybody's hugging.

02:02:23.369 --> 02:02:26.630
My dad's autistic. Hugging's important. It is.

02:02:26.630 --> 02:02:28.750
Touch is important. You gotta do it. People that

02:02:28.750 --> 02:02:30.609
are weird with touch, it's like such a strange

02:02:30.609 --> 02:02:32.909
thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gerard and that guy

02:02:32.909 --> 02:02:35.350
who died in that accident, Josh Ademeyer's friend,

02:02:35.489 --> 02:02:38.449
they brought hugging back into LA comedy scene.

02:02:38.529 --> 02:02:40.250
Really? Yeah. What do you mean they brought it

02:02:40.250 --> 02:02:42.109
back? We always hugged. Is that how we died?

02:02:42.189 --> 02:02:43.489
No, it was like they started hugging all the

02:02:43.489 --> 02:02:45.729
time. Hugging who? You and I hugged each other.

02:02:45.810 --> 02:02:48.380
We were there first, bitch. I think we started

02:02:48.380 --> 02:02:50.600
hugging afterwards. Shut the fuck up. Then we

02:02:50.600 --> 02:02:53.659
just threw a firm handshake. We hugged from the

02:02:53.659 --> 02:02:56.359
get -go. There's a video of it. Shut your mouth.

02:02:56.479 --> 02:02:58.960
But they did it too, which is great. We just

02:02:58.960 --> 02:03:00.840
greet everybody with hugs. We didn't know later.

02:03:01.020 --> 02:03:04.819
Freddie Soto started brother. Sorry, brother.

02:03:04.899 --> 02:03:06.859
Yeah, brother. Hey, brother. Freddie Soto had

02:03:06.859 --> 02:03:10.939
a logic behind it. He's like, I remember we were

02:03:10.939 --> 02:03:12.979
talking. You and I were talking about it. And

02:03:12.979 --> 02:03:15.439
Freddie was like, I call people brother because

02:03:15.439 --> 02:03:17.039
it's the best thing you can say to somebody.

02:03:18.090 --> 02:03:19.550
You're not just my friend, you're my brother.

02:03:19.670 --> 02:03:22.289
My brother sucks. Sorry, I'm sorry about that.

02:03:22.729 --> 02:03:25.590
I don't have any brothers. Oh, really? No. But

02:03:25.590 --> 02:03:28.430
yeah, he'd be like, you're my brother in comedy

02:03:28.430 --> 02:03:29.970
or whatever. He'd just call people brothers.

02:03:30.149 --> 02:03:32.470
He's like, it makes people feel better. He was

02:03:32.470 --> 02:03:33.729
like, it makes people feel better. And I was

02:03:33.729 --> 02:03:35.750
like, that's a great philosophy. That is nice.

02:03:35.770 --> 02:03:37.210
And I just adopted it. I call everybody brother.

02:03:37.289 --> 02:03:38.750
Yeah. I like that. It's a nice feeling. Ian Edwards

02:03:38.750 --> 02:03:40.989
brought the, when he's fam. I know it's popular,

02:03:41.369 --> 02:03:42.329
but he was like, fam. I'm like, what is that,

02:03:42.390 --> 02:03:44.529
fam? Oh, I like that. Ian always calls me fam.

02:03:44.529 --> 02:03:46.729
I am fam. He's a black guy. He just found one

02:03:46.729 --> 02:03:48.750
black guy. I know. It's cool to have one black

02:03:48.750 --> 02:03:50.850
friend. He's a vegan, too. It's very cool. Is

02:03:50.850 --> 02:03:53.289
he? Poor Ian. He's always tired. Who's Ian? Ian

02:03:53.289 --> 02:03:56.109
Edwards. Hilarious. Hilarious comic. Always tired.

02:03:56.210 --> 02:03:57.970
I had a series of photographs that I would get

02:03:57.970 --> 02:03:59.710
with him. Whenever we'd do it on the road together,

02:03:59.829 --> 02:04:02.430
I'd catch Ian sleeping on a plane. I'd be like,

02:04:02.470 --> 02:04:05.010
ah, I'm fucking vegans. And then one time he

02:04:05.010 --> 02:04:07.550
caught me, and it was hilarious. I was out there,

02:04:07.590 --> 02:04:09.470
and he had this giant smile on his face, and

02:04:09.470 --> 02:04:12.270
he's filming me sleeping. Like, you motherfucker.

02:04:12.430 --> 02:04:14.329
I got you once. I got you once in the Twitter

02:04:14.329 --> 02:04:16.750
days. It was right when we were taking off. Oh,

02:04:16.789 --> 02:04:21.649
that's it. Oh, man, Biden. With two glasses on.

02:04:22.069 --> 02:04:24.409
Look at how he's smiling. Look at how he's smiling.

02:04:24.729 --> 02:04:28.289
That's a beauty. Mouth agape. Damn. With the

02:04:28.289 --> 02:04:31.770
window shade open. That's hard. You got sunbeams

02:04:31.770 --> 02:04:34.210
in your eyes. I didn't give a fuck. I'm always

02:04:34.210 --> 02:04:36.869
tired. I took a picture of you sleeping and tweeted,

02:04:37.010 --> 02:04:38.770
like, do what you will with this. Mouth open

02:04:38.770 --> 02:04:41.350
like that. And you landed to a thousand cocks.

02:04:41.409 --> 02:04:44.689
A thousand cocks. Just giant cocks. The Hulk's

02:04:44.689 --> 02:04:47.550
dick. All kinds of dicks. I do love a good plane

02:04:47.550 --> 02:04:50.279
nap. Oh, my God. There's something about planes.

02:04:50.279 --> 02:04:52.680
I can fall asleep immediately as soon as it's

02:04:52.680 --> 02:04:55.119
on takeoff. I'm like, I know I got nothing to

02:04:55.119 --> 02:04:57.819
do. I'm not in control. Go to sleep. My mouth

02:04:57.819 --> 02:05:01.600
has never been more open than sleeping, sitting

02:05:01.600 --> 02:05:04.840
upright on a plane. Imagine being the guy on

02:05:04.840 --> 02:05:08.479
9 -11 like, oh, finally I'm out. Wake up to screaming

02:05:08.479 --> 02:05:12.439
terrorists like, wait, what? Jesus Christ, bro.

02:05:13.119 --> 02:05:15.619
Jesus Christ. The guy's sleeping in the car.

02:05:16.380 --> 02:05:19.060
Hey, his mic went out, Jamie. Oh, yeah, I thought

02:05:19.060 --> 02:05:20.380
it was me. My mic kicked something down there.

02:05:20.560 --> 02:05:23.220
Yeah, come over. Ah, we're back. You're back?

02:05:23.500 --> 02:05:25.220
We're back. What happened? Yeah, we're good.

02:05:25.359 --> 02:05:27.539
I think I touched something. Oh, is that what

02:05:27.539 --> 02:05:29.399
it is? The bottom thing? Okay. That was my fault.

02:05:29.479 --> 02:05:31.659
But the guy's sleeping in the car, and then the

02:05:31.659 --> 02:05:34.859
four guys go, one, two, ah! He thinks he's getting

02:05:34.859 --> 02:05:39.140
to a wreck. Have you ever seen them drag a fucking

02:05:39.140 --> 02:05:41.659
inflatable bed out into a river? It's pretty

02:05:41.659 --> 02:05:43.739
fun. It's pretty fun. Oh, great. Somebody's sleeping

02:05:43.739 --> 02:05:45.880
and not waking up. It's like, you're in a lake

02:05:45.880 --> 02:05:47.539
now and you wake up. Bro, that's so dangerous.

02:05:47.739 --> 02:05:50.699
That's great. That's so dangerous. What if someone

02:05:50.699 --> 02:05:52.739
doesn't know how to swim? Gator. It's really

02:05:52.739 --> 02:05:54.479
far from the shore and you can't figure out how

02:05:54.479 --> 02:05:55.979
to get back up on the raft because you're slop.

02:05:57.140 --> 02:05:58.640
You're not getting back up on that. You're a

02:05:58.640 --> 02:06:01.279
sloppy, out of shape bitch. Yeah. Fucking dangerous,

02:06:01.460 --> 02:06:03.180
man. I'll do it to someone who knows how to swim.

02:06:03.380 --> 02:06:04.479
Yeah, but if someone doesn't know how to pull

02:06:04.479 --> 02:06:06.239
themselves back on the raft, they're fucked.

02:06:07.440 --> 02:06:10.460
Nice. Just get rid of them. Just float away.

02:06:10.800 --> 02:06:14.020
That's like Moses. And I splash. They're in the

02:06:14.020 --> 02:06:16.720
water and they're gripping the side. And they're

02:06:16.720 --> 02:06:20.640
panicking. It would take like five minutes to

02:06:20.640 --> 02:06:22.359
figure out how you got there. And you're like,

02:06:22.439 --> 02:06:26.039
wait, no, I was somewhere else. And I'm wet.

02:06:27.079 --> 02:06:30.279
You ever do the air mattress life? What is that?

02:06:30.520 --> 02:06:33.020
Like have one? Oh, yeah. And live on it? How

02:06:33.020 --> 02:06:37.159
to futon. Oh, futon's rough. You hate your life

02:06:37.159 --> 02:06:40.000
when you have a futon. You want to get out of

02:06:40.000 --> 02:06:45.340
bed. You don't deserve a bed, you fucking poor

02:06:45.340 --> 02:06:47.539
bitch. Get out there and get something done.

02:06:48.380 --> 02:06:50.399
When I slept on a futon, I got so much done.

02:06:50.640 --> 02:06:52.920
Because I was like, I'm never sleeping in bed.

02:06:53.039 --> 02:06:54.720
The sun comes up, like, thank God, let's go.

02:06:54.760 --> 02:06:56.079
Yeah, I was like, let's get out of this fucking

02:06:56.079 --> 02:06:58.100
shitty bed. And then you had to turn into a couch

02:06:58.100 --> 02:07:00.159
because it was a living room. Doubled up. Yeah.

02:07:00.760 --> 02:07:03.399
Doubled up. Yeah. We ever fuck a lady on an air

02:07:03.399 --> 02:07:06.300
mattress? Yep. First of all, when you walk in

02:07:06.300 --> 02:07:08.939
with them, they're like, oh, man. It's going

02:07:08.939 --> 02:07:10.600
to be one of those nights. One of those nights.

02:07:11.359 --> 02:07:13.920
She's just sad. She's made poor choices. It's

02:07:13.920 --> 02:07:16.060
like, you're willing to fuck me on this mattress?

02:07:16.970 --> 02:07:19.409
Fuck, you suck. Or let me fuck you. We had bed

02:07:19.409 --> 02:07:22.430
bugs. We had bed bugs. So we had an air mattress

02:07:22.430 --> 02:07:24.970
in the living room. Do you know how they find

02:07:24.970 --> 02:07:31.529
bed bugs on beds? Beagles? No. For real? Beagles?

02:07:31.630 --> 02:07:33.130
Yeah, they bring in a beagle and you go, what

02:07:33.130 --> 02:07:34.149
the fuck? Really? The beagle house? There's no

02:07:34.149 --> 02:07:38.199
way this works. They use an iron. So they take

02:07:38.199 --> 02:07:40.460
an iron and they roll it over the mattress and

02:07:40.460 --> 02:07:42.939
the heat makes the bed bugs rise to the surface.

02:07:43.100 --> 02:07:44.779
Oh, God. And they just start popping out. So

02:07:44.779 --> 02:07:46.960
disgusting. Fucking nasty. Beagles can be trained

02:07:46.960 --> 02:07:49.439
to sniff out bed bugs. How the fuck did you know

02:07:49.439 --> 02:07:51.399
that? Because I had bed bugs and a guy brought

02:07:51.399 --> 02:07:53.000
a beagle in and I was like, well, we're fucked.

02:07:53.119 --> 02:07:55.239
Why beagles? Beagles are particularly good at

02:07:55.239 --> 02:07:56.739
distinguishing scents. They're good at smelling

02:07:56.739 --> 02:07:58.180
drugs. They're the drug dogs of the airports.

02:07:58.579 --> 02:08:01.609
Oh, yeah. Damn. Well, usually they look for bombs.

02:08:01.989 --> 02:08:06.250
Ah. Which makes you let go. Yeah. I had a beagle

02:08:06.250 --> 02:08:08.130
sit in front of me in Australia once when I landed.

02:08:09.050 --> 02:08:11.489
What? It looked and stared at me. You had a beagle

02:08:11.489 --> 02:08:13.970
sit in front of you? When I landed. That's an

02:08:13.970 --> 02:08:15.850
ugly lady. It just sat down and just stared at

02:08:15.850 --> 02:08:17.149
me. And I was like, oh, cute beagle. And then

02:08:17.149 --> 02:08:19.109
the fucking border patrol was like, what do you

02:08:19.109 --> 02:08:22.329
got in the bag? And I was like, fuck. Piss? No,

02:08:22.430 --> 02:08:25.170
I had drugs. Jars of piss? Which kind of drugs?

02:08:25.850 --> 02:08:27.550
I had weed, I think. Did you get in trouble?

02:08:27.850 --> 02:08:29.210
No, because they said, do you have any fruit?

02:08:29.329 --> 02:08:32.069
And I was like, oh, yes, I do. And they're like,

02:08:32.090 --> 02:08:34.840
must be that. Go along. Oh, nice. I was like

02:08:34.840 --> 02:08:36.300
halfway in jail. Yeah, they're so serious. Well,

02:08:36.300 --> 02:08:38.140
they don't give a fuck about weed, especially

02:08:38.140 --> 02:08:40.180
looking at a guy like you. You're not some international

02:08:40.180 --> 02:08:43.140
drug dealer. Yeah. Bringing in tons of molly.

02:08:43.220 --> 02:08:45.640
But if you have like a car tire filled with coke,

02:08:46.180 --> 02:08:47.640
you know, they take that and they'll like take

02:08:47.640 --> 02:08:50.060
a car tire and they'll take it off of the wheel

02:08:50.060 --> 02:08:51.720
and then they'll stuff coke in there and they'll

02:08:51.720 --> 02:08:53.520
put a little bit of air and then drive that bitch

02:08:53.520 --> 02:08:55.960
in. And then the fucking Belgian Malinois will

02:08:55.960 --> 02:08:59.859
get right up to the tires. Getting foiled by

02:08:59.859 --> 02:09:05.359
a dog. Carl does not like my dog bark. Carl's

02:09:05.359 --> 02:09:10.859
Jr. Watch this. I'll do a real one. Oh, shit.

02:09:10.979 --> 02:09:14.039
It worked. Look at him. He's ready to go to war.

02:09:15.279 --> 02:09:22.199
That's a good looking bitch. Fuck you, motherfucker.

02:09:22.319 --> 02:09:27.979
That was perfect. Fuck you, bitch. Look at his

02:09:27.979 --> 02:09:34.140
face. So cute. Oh, he woke up. He looks intense,

02:09:34.260 --> 02:09:35.819
so he's going to fuck me up. What are you going

02:09:35.819 --> 02:09:37.460
to do, Carl? Carl has no idea how big he is.

02:09:37.579 --> 02:09:41.180
He'll do nothing. Who would chase that guy? He's

02:09:41.180 --> 02:09:43.640
never been harmed, so he has no idea that he

02:09:43.640 --> 02:09:46.159
can be. Right. So he runs at you and bites your

02:09:46.159 --> 02:09:48.300
fingers with impunity. You want a piece of this?

02:09:48.520 --> 02:09:50.739
Yeah. Come on, bitch. He doesn't know he weighs

02:09:50.739 --> 02:09:53.359
three pounds. Yeah, the size of my ankle. What

02:09:53.359 --> 02:09:56.479
does Carl weigh? Twelve. He's twelve. 12. J .D.

02:09:56.539 --> 02:10:01.000
is a proud 12. He's 12. And he's over there barking.

02:10:03.100 --> 02:10:10.859
That's where my dick weighs. America. That's

02:10:10.859 --> 02:10:12.579
yours, Ari. He just did one. What do you mean,

02:10:12.640 --> 02:10:15.829
bud? I'll do another one for the troops. You

02:10:15.829 --> 02:10:17.170
gotta remember, we got a show tonight. For the

02:10:17.170 --> 02:10:19.050
troops? Who has? What do you got, a mouse in

02:10:19.050 --> 02:10:21.289
your pocket? Who the fuck's we? Come on. Are

02:10:21.289 --> 02:10:23.350
you pussies gonna back out? Nah, I can do it.

02:10:23.350 --> 02:10:24.829
Let's have some fun. What else are we doing?

02:10:25.239 --> 02:10:27.140
We're going to have some fun. Let's try a different

02:10:27.140 --> 02:10:28.539
song. We might have to get a bite first. What's

02:10:28.539 --> 02:10:30.279
another good American song? Food would be good

02:10:30.279 --> 02:10:32.420
today. Food would be nice. How about Buck Cherry

02:10:32.420 --> 02:10:34.539
Cocaine? Proud to be an American. Oh, that's

02:10:34.539 --> 02:10:37.279
that one. Ball to Ball would be nice. Ball to

02:10:37.279 --> 02:10:40.020
Ball. Oh, I know the drop. It says long drop,

02:10:40.079 --> 02:10:44.199
though. Yeah. How about Buck Cherry Lit Up? I

02:10:44.199 --> 02:10:48.579
got one. Hold on. Three Six Mafia Sipping on

02:10:48.579 --> 02:10:51.880
Some Scissor. What is this one? Let's Ball to

02:10:51.880 --> 02:10:54.680
Ball. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a good one.

02:10:54.739 --> 02:10:55.899
It just takes a while. This is a good one. Yeah,

02:10:55.899 --> 02:11:00.319
we can talk over it. Especially since this is

02:11:00.319 --> 02:11:02.000
the guy that killed Bud Light. This was college.

02:11:02.340 --> 02:11:04.699
Bud Light's back. Bud Light's back. They're friends

02:11:04.699 --> 02:11:08.000
now. He almost killed Bud Light, though. He put

02:11:08.000 --> 02:11:10.020
him in a chokehold, let him out. He shot it pretty

02:11:10.020 --> 02:11:31.390
hard. Oh, he killed that company. Someone's flying

02:11:31.390 --> 02:11:35.989
a motorcycle over him. What year was this? 99.

02:11:36.069 --> 02:11:39.630
Probably 90. What? No. Pre -911. Did you see

02:11:39.630 --> 02:11:43.029
Kid Rock's Rolling Stone thing? No. The thing

02:11:43.029 --> 02:11:44.250
in the middle figure spaceship? Kid Rock's Rolling

02:11:44.250 --> 02:11:47.010
Stone thing? Uh -uh. He did a... He did a Rolling

02:11:47.010 --> 02:11:49.449
Stone interview, and he started saying the worst

02:11:49.449 --> 02:11:52.449
shit ever, dropping N -bombs. And he said, please,

02:11:52.529 --> 02:11:55.130
print the worst article you can about me. It'll

02:11:55.130 --> 02:11:57.310
be good for me. It's only going to help me. Smart

02:11:57.310 --> 02:12:00.949
move. Complete disdain for Rolling Stone. Just

02:12:00.949 --> 02:12:02.829
complete disdain. Did you ever see the video

02:12:02.829 --> 02:12:06.569
of him driving a middle finger rocket ship up

02:12:06.569 --> 02:12:08.350
to the moon? Bro, when you got a guy like that

02:12:08.350 --> 02:12:10.949
that has that much money. He's a wild boy. He's

02:12:10.949 --> 02:12:14.149
a wild boy. He can sell out. He FaceTimes, and

02:12:14.149 --> 02:12:16.859
he'll be like. Yo, there's a fucking monkey at

02:12:16.859 --> 02:12:19.399
my house. It'll be him holding a monkey. No way.

02:12:19.479 --> 02:12:22.039
God damn. Then he FaceTimed me a week later.

02:12:22.060 --> 02:12:24.460
He was like, there's a fucking deer here. What

02:12:24.460 --> 02:12:26.960
the fuck? And next to him, there was a deer in

02:12:26.960 --> 02:12:29.300
his yard that they were just, it was a baby deer.

02:12:29.380 --> 02:12:32.020
He was just holding. And then it was in front

02:12:32.020 --> 02:12:36.520
of his orange. Tesla. He got a Tesla truck, orange.

02:12:36.899 --> 02:12:40.460
He got the fucking General Lee Tesla truck. What?

02:12:40.720 --> 02:12:42.659
And he's holding a deer. He's like, this is fucking

02:12:42.659 --> 02:12:44.840
crazy. It was just me and my dad in my car. I

02:12:44.840 --> 02:12:46.939
was like, this is my dad. He was like, hey, man.

02:12:47.239 --> 02:12:51.279
My dad was like, hello? I was like, dad, this

02:12:51.279 --> 02:12:53.420
is Kid Rock. He's got a deer in front of a Confederate

02:12:53.420 --> 02:12:56.859
flag. Wow. I don't think he has the flag on it.

02:12:56.979 --> 02:12:59.260
He's got the flag in the back. It does? It's

02:12:59.260 --> 02:13:02.100
on the back. Wow. It's a Cybertruck? It's a Cybertruck

02:13:02.100 --> 02:13:04.600
Confederate flag. Wow. You gotta respect that

02:13:04.600 --> 02:13:06.340
commitment. There's no denying it. There she

02:13:06.340 --> 02:13:09.380
goes. I don't see the flag. The flag is on the

02:13:09.380 --> 02:13:12.479
back window. Actually, it might be open. It might

02:13:12.479 --> 02:13:14.960
be on the trunk. Oh, so when you pull the trunk

02:13:14.960 --> 02:13:17.359
lid down, it shows the flag, so he can choose

02:13:17.359 --> 02:13:20.739
to... Yeah. Because he's got to stand and do

02:13:20.739 --> 02:13:23.260
it. Or he's not standing in it. That's your attractable

02:13:23.260 --> 02:13:24.680
flag. How many people got mad that he's got the

02:13:24.680 --> 02:13:27.680
generally colors on an electric car? By the way,

02:13:27.720 --> 02:13:29.800
that's a fucking American car, if you really

02:13:29.800 --> 02:13:32.560
think about it. They're fast as shit. All Teslas

02:13:32.560 --> 02:13:35.800
are fast as shit. The cheapest Tesla will blow

02:13:35.800 --> 02:13:39.460
most muscle cars out of the fucking water. Those

02:13:39.460 --> 02:13:40.539
guys are crazy. You can kind of see it on the

02:13:40.539 --> 02:13:42.439
truck there, on the back of the truck, on the

02:13:42.439 --> 02:13:45.199
bed. You know, they can't play that show on whatever

02:13:45.199 --> 02:13:47.739
network that owns it. They can't play that show

02:13:47.739 --> 02:13:49.220
anymore because of the Confederate flag on the

02:13:49.220 --> 02:13:51.420
roof. Wow. Really? Yeah, you never see Dukes

02:13:51.420 --> 02:13:52.920
of Hazzard reruns. No, you don't. You would.

02:13:53.239 --> 02:13:55.079
You would. They don't play it because of the

02:13:55.079 --> 02:14:00.220
Confederate flag. Whoa! Tony Hitchcock. Tony

02:14:00.220 --> 02:14:04.140
Hitchcock flashback. Because that's on the roof.

02:14:04.859 --> 02:14:08.109
Isn't that wild? It's crazy. It's wild. Meanwhile,

02:14:08.149 --> 02:14:10.609
they'll show fucking Amistad or Roots all day.

02:14:10.810 --> 02:14:13.489
What about Hogan's Heroes? Can you still show

02:14:13.489 --> 02:14:15.569
Hogan's Heroes? What was bad about that? They

02:14:15.569 --> 02:14:18.609
had a fucking show, a comedy about a concentration

02:14:18.609 --> 02:14:22.989
camp. No, it was an internment camp. They were

02:14:22.989 --> 02:14:27.069
bumbling. They were idiots. The Nazis were kind

02:14:27.069 --> 02:14:30.409
of friends with the captives. They all interacted

02:14:30.409 --> 02:14:36.149
and kind of were like, oh, Marty. Oh, man. That's

02:14:36.149 --> 02:14:39.850
crazy. Colonel Clink. He was an idiot. Don Barris,

02:14:39.850 --> 02:14:41.409
we used to always fuck around about Jew stuff

02:14:41.409 --> 02:14:42.829
at the end of the night, and he'd be like, I

02:14:42.829 --> 02:14:44.789
saw a documentary about the Holocaust. It didn't

02:14:44.789 --> 02:14:46.630
seem that tough. I'm like, what was it called?

02:14:46.710 --> 02:14:51.390
He goes, Hogan's Heroes. Yeah, that show was

02:14:51.390 --> 02:14:54.319
a fucking sitcom when I was a kid. Yeah, it was

02:14:54.319 --> 02:14:56.279
normal. And it was only a few years after the

02:14:56.279 --> 02:14:58.420
war, if you really think about it. It was a way

02:14:58.420 --> 02:14:59.960
of, like, let's take it lightly. What year was

02:14:59.960 --> 02:15:01.819
Hogan's Heroes? I want to say it was the 70s,

02:15:01.819 --> 02:15:04.640
right? So, like, that would literally be, like,

02:15:04.739 --> 02:15:08.180
a jokey joke show about the invasion of Iraq.

02:15:08.520 --> 02:15:10.439
Now, yeah, about right. Desert Storm. People

02:15:10.439 --> 02:15:13.239
needed to laugh. Or worse, like, yeah. First

02:15:13.239 --> 02:15:15.859
time we said it, 65. So, wow. 40 years later.

02:15:16.039 --> 02:15:19.060
Whoa. 20 years later. 25. 20 years later. Whoa.

02:15:19.539 --> 02:15:23.000
And that dude went crazy. The dude who is the...

02:15:23.020 --> 02:15:24.859
Bleed went crazy. It was that movie about he

02:15:24.859 --> 02:15:27.699
did a lot of pornos. Autofocus. Yes. What was

02:15:27.699 --> 02:15:29.659
it? Autofocus, yeah. What was his name? Combs.

02:15:30.100 --> 02:15:33.399
No. Not Ray Combs? No, no. That's Family Feud.

02:15:33.539 --> 02:15:35.140
Family Feud, yeah. I thought he did that and

02:15:35.140 --> 02:15:38.439
then went on. No, no, no. He was in Family Feud,

02:15:38.460 --> 02:15:39.939
but that was the other guy that was in Family

02:15:39.939 --> 02:15:42.180
Feud. It wasn't Ray Combs. Greg Kinnear did a

02:15:42.180 --> 02:15:46.380
movie. Yes. I know this guy. Jamie will find

02:15:46.380 --> 02:15:49.140
it. It's a normal name. Very standard name. So

02:15:49.140 --> 02:15:51.859
this dude, when he was off of Hogan Heroes, he

02:15:51.859 --> 02:15:55.010
would... Bob Crane. He would just like find girls

02:15:55.010 --> 02:15:57.710
and film videos. And him and his partner would

02:15:57.710 --> 02:15:59.689
make porn together. And they got addicted to

02:15:59.689 --> 02:16:02.010
making porn with like random ladies. And then

02:16:02.010 --> 02:16:05.189
his partner killed him. Why? I don't know. He

02:16:05.189 --> 02:16:07.569
murdered him. What? Yeah, yeah, I was part of

02:16:07.569 --> 02:16:10.430
the movie. The guy he did it with, the guy he

02:16:10.430 --> 02:16:13.250
did the movies with. Yeah, Willem Dafoe's guy.

02:16:13.810 --> 02:16:15.970
Hobgoblin. That's his greatest role. He was Hobgoblin.

02:16:16.270 --> 02:16:19.289
The Green Goblin. Green Goblin, yeah. Great.

02:16:19.369 --> 02:16:22.250
Who's Hobgoblin? By the way, huge hog on Dafoe.

02:16:22.470 --> 02:16:25.250
Really? Yeah, they have to edit out his bulge.

02:16:25.289 --> 02:16:27.850
Oh, my God. He's got such a hog. Wow. Pull it

02:16:27.850 --> 02:16:32.409
up. So back then, in 65, he's like the first

02:16:32.409 --> 02:16:36.010
TV star. Yeah. So this guy was probably on a

02:16:36.010 --> 02:16:38.709
fucking rampage. Oh, yeah. They cleaned up. And

02:16:38.709 --> 02:16:40.549
his buddy was like, let's do some fun stuff.

02:16:40.709 --> 02:16:42.909
And then his buddy wound up killing him. Yeah.

02:16:43.250 --> 02:16:47.309
Rogan's heroes. That's us. Rogan's heroes. Look

02:16:47.309 --> 02:16:49.430
at that. Look at that fucking show. A show about.

02:16:49.569 --> 02:16:51.409
You guys have any fat Nazis? Bro. They had to

02:16:51.409 --> 02:16:53.030
make him fat. They had to make him fat to make

02:16:53.030 --> 02:16:55.250
him like, okay. They're not that great. A comedy

02:16:55.250 --> 02:16:58.540
about Nazis. Well, the producer is Springtime

02:16:58.540 --> 02:17:01.180
for Hitler. That was pretty close. He got a lot

02:17:01.180 --> 02:17:03.479
of shit because he's a Jew. Oh, right, right,

02:17:03.600 --> 02:17:06.100
right. Mel Brooks. That's right. Springtime for

02:17:06.100 --> 02:17:07.379
Hitler. The Jews really went after him. What

02:17:07.379 --> 02:17:09.739
about that fucking one Jerry Lewis movie that

02:17:09.739 --> 02:17:13.090
they can't? They never released it. No, no. There

02:17:13.090 --> 02:17:15.049
was a movie about it. It was a clown at a concentration

02:17:15.049 --> 02:17:17.370
camp. A crying clown, something like that. And

02:17:17.370 --> 02:17:18.709
then they ended up doing that movie. It was a

02:17:18.709 --> 02:17:20.549
sad day for a clown. No, he made the movie, but

02:17:20.549 --> 02:17:23.530
it's in the archives. The day the clown died.

02:17:23.629 --> 02:17:25.250
It's supposed to be the worst fucking movie ever

02:17:25.250 --> 02:17:29.540
shot. 1972, never released due to myriad issues

02:17:29.540 --> 02:17:31.760
with the production, never been made available

02:17:31.760 --> 02:17:35.379
in any form leading to project to reach mythical

02:17:35.379 --> 02:17:38.059
status in the global film community. That's what

02:17:38.059 --> 02:17:39.399
I like, Mark. It's supposed to be so offensive.

02:17:39.659 --> 02:17:43.360
Jerry Lewis is a clown irritating Holocaust kids

02:17:43.360 --> 02:17:45.479
that are on their way to the gas chamber. He's

02:17:45.479 --> 02:17:48.479
making them laugh. Hilarious. Wasn't there a

02:17:48.479 --> 02:17:51.239
similar movie about that that won some award

02:17:51.239 --> 02:17:53.100
where the guy's like, I'm going to be the happy

02:17:53.100 --> 02:17:56.100
guy? Yes, like an Italian guy. Life is beautiful.

02:17:56.270 --> 02:17:59.110
Life is beautiful. Roberto Benigni. That shit

02:17:59.110 --> 02:18:03.370
ruled. What was Patch Adams? That was a clown.

02:18:03.889 --> 02:18:08.469
Robin Williams. Cancer kids, I think so. Hilarious.

02:18:08.629 --> 02:18:11.549
He stole that. Didn't even have cancer. Those

02:18:11.549 --> 02:18:16.309
were actors. Yes. And now they're all fucked

02:18:16.309 --> 02:18:19.370
up. If you can have AI actors now, you don't

02:18:19.370 --> 02:18:20.989
have to have kids doing it anymore, so the kids

02:18:20.989 --> 02:18:24.840
won't get fucked up. That's coming. Should they

02:18:24.840 --> 02:18:28.079
make kid sex robots just to appease the pedos?

02:18:28.079 --> 02:18:30.200
Good idea. So they don't go out on the streets.

02:18:30.870 --> 02:18:33.809
Good idea. You should make sex kid robots that

02:18:33.809 --> 02:18:37.569
explode once your dick's inside of you. Weed

02:18:37.569 --> 02:18:39.770
them out? Yeah, just nails. Every fourth one.

02:18:39.870 --> 02:18:41.549
There's a chance you might get by. Everyone is

02:18:41.549 --> 02:18:44.430
filled with plutonium. Even if they don't explode,

02:18:44.590 --> 02:18:46.829
you get dick cancer. Take that, Jared Fogle.

02:18:47.010 --> 02:18:49.229
What does it say? It's possession of the Library

02:18:49.229 --> 02:18:52.069
of Congress. Los Angeles Times reported that

02:18:52.069 --> 02:18:53.770
Lewis had donated a copy of the film to the Library

02:18:53.770 --> 02:18:55.329
of Congress under the stipulation that it would

02:18:55.329 --> 02:18:57.530
not be screened before June 2024. That's it!

02:18:58.120 --> 02:18:59.579
That's now. That's right now. We've got to go

02:18:59.579 --> 02:19:01.159
see it. We've got to go see it. Can we go see

02:19:01.159 --> 02:19:03.920
it? Field trip. Let's go. Let's do it. Has anybody

02:19:03.920 --> 02:19:06.739
seen it? Can you go see it? Let's find out if

02:19:06.739 --> 02:19:09.819
it's legal to go watch it. Can we go watch it?

02:19:10.000 --> 02:19:12.780
Can we go to the Library of Congress? What would

02:19:12.780 --> 02:19:14.319
we have to do to go to the Library of Congress?

02:19:14.319 --> 02:19:17.260
I've been in there. You can just walk in any

02:19:17.260 --> 02:19:20.079
government building. That's what I heard. That's

02:19:20.079 --> 02:19:23.840
true. Start shooting. You and your boys can just

02:19:23.840 --> 02:19:25.659
go in, and they might execute a lady, and no

02:19:25.659 --> 02:19:27.739
one will care, but whatever. I'd like to see

02:19:27.739 --> 02:19:29.100
it. The Library of Congress is open. It's an

02:19:29.100 --> 02:19:30.600
actual library. How many people have been arrested

02:19:30.600 --> 02:19:33.940
for just being there on January 6th? I think

02:19:33.940 --> 02:19:36.200
a lot. Are they still in jail? I saw a Biden

02:19:36.200 --> 02:19:38.020
speech where he was bragging. He was like, we

02:19:38.020 --> 02:19:40.319
gave these guys 800 years in solitary confinement.

02:19:41.020 --> 02:19:43.840
800 years. Watch the footage revealed from Jerry

02:19:43.840 --> 02:19:47.010
Lewis' lost Holocaust film. Condensed version

02:19:47.010 --> 02:19:50.170
of the 1972's Holocaust movie recently appeared

02:19:50.170 --> 02:19:52.729
on Vimeo. Oh, you can watch it on Vimeo? Damn.

02:19:53.090 --> 02:19:56.090
Is it still on there? It's not going to be good.

02:19:56.250 --> 02:19:59.350
Wait, why is it bad? Is it because it's too sad?

02:19:59.489 --> 02:20:02.590
Did you not see the fucking Nutty Professor?

02:20:03.049 --> 02:20:06.309
He was brilliant. Eddie Murphy? Son of a bitch.

02:20:08.729 --> 02:20:10.590
Scrap plans for releasing the film after being

02:20:10.590 --> 02:20:12.719
embarrassed by how it turned out. It's still

02:20:12.719 --> 02:20:16.379
better than unfrosted. 2025. We have to wait

02:20:16.379 --> 02:20:20.559
until 2025. What? Yeah. I can't wait. Oh, Harry

02:20:20.559 --> 02:20:23.309
Shearer said the movie. Harry Shearer said the

02:20:23.309 --> 02:20:25.209
movie was so drastically wrong. Where did it

02:20:25.209 --> 02:20:27.270
say? Yeah, he told Spy Magazine the movie was

02:20:27.270 --> 02:20:30.030
so drastically wrong, calling its pathos so wildly

02:20:30.030 --> 02:20:32.409
misplaced that you could not, in your fantasy

02:20:32.409 --> 02:20:35.290
of what it might be like, improve on what it

02:20:35.290 --> 02:20:38.569
really is. Wow. There was a show in England that

02:20:38.569 --> 02:20:41.750
got cut about a guy coming home, a Nazi, and

02:20:41.750 --> 02:20:44.950
his family. Pull that up, J -Mo. Which was a

02:20:44.950 --> 02:20:47.610
show? It was a sitcom. Like, honey, I'm home,

02:20:47.729 --> 02:20:50.870
but he was a Nazi. Oh, yeah. Yes. And it was

02:20:50.870 --> 02:20:52.909
just his regular stuff that he had to deal with

02:20:52.909 --> 02:20:55.709
his life life. His naggy wife. And he was like,

02:20:55.809 --> 02:20:59.850
just got back from the genocide. It's called

02:20:59.850 --> 02:21:03.370
home improvement. What's the deal with concentration?

02:21:03.909 --> 02:21:07.149
You're not studying. No one in there is concentrating

02:21:07.149 --> 02:21:10.270
on anything but survival. They don't have any

02:21:10.270 --> 02:21:13.469
food. You need food to be able to concentrate.

02:21:15.870 --> 02:21:20.959
Ovens doesn't sound so bad. Easy bake. I lost

02:21:20.959 --> 02:21:25.280
my Yamaha in the dryer. Where is it? Didn't he

02:21:25.280 --> 02:21:27.379
have like a... Click into the wall. One yarmulke.

02:21:27.479 --> 02:21:30.239
I saw a hair on the shower. Oh, yeah. That was

02:21:30.239 --> 02:21:31.799
like one of my favorite... That was a good bit.

02:21:31.920 --> 02:21:33.799
Seinfeld bits, but it's funny if you include

02:21:33.799 --> 02:21:37.799
a concentration camp. Yes, yes, for sure. Anyway.

02:21:38.159 --> 02:21:40.219
That's terrible. Hold on. Wait, wait. There was

02:21:40.219 --> 02:21:42.079
a sitcom, though. It was like Honey, I'm Home,

02:21:42.180 --> 02:21:45.340
Nazi version. Honey, we shrunk all six million

02:21:45.340 --> 02:21:48.780
kids. Honey, we killed everybody. Honey, we shrunk

02:21:48.780 --> 02:21:54.520
six million kids. What the fuck, dude? They did

02:21:54.520 --> 02:21:56.680
that with, there was a movie that just came out,

02:21:56.739 --> 02:21:58.520
Zone of Interest, that was kind of like that.

02:21:58.680 --> 02:22:01.860
Heil Honey, I'm Home. Oh, my God. A British sitcom

02:22:01.860 --> 02:22:04.899
written by Jeff Atkinson, produced in 1990, was

02:22:04.899 --> 02:22:07.780
canceled after one episode. It centers on Adolf

02:22:07.780 --> 02:22:10.139
Hitler and Eva Braun, who live next door to a

02:22:10.139 --> 02:22:14.159
Jewish couple. Oh, my God. 1990. Oh, my God.

02:22:14.200 --> 02:22:16.079
Show me a clip. It's probably funny as fuck.

02:22:16.200 --> 02:22:18.120
This is the fucking show. This is so ridiculous.

02:22:19.129 --> 02:22:21.049
Canceled after one episode, but they put it out.

02:22:21.450 --> 02:22:23.870
It went all the way to air. Think about how many

02:22:23.870 --> 02:22:26.969
fringe comedians say god -awful things on Twitter

02:22:26.969 --> 02:22:29.850
just to get attention, right? Now think, if you

02:22:29.850 --> 02:22:33.209
gave this person a budget... Oh, sorry, Ari.

02:22:33.389 --> 02:22:38.569
I forgot you were here. What did I do now? This

02:22:38.569 --> 02:22:41.690
is crazy. Oh, tonight you will make a schnitzel.

02:22:41.690 --> 02:22:44.889
What a joke! You must be real mad at me, honey.

02:22:45.510 --> 02:22:50.969
I'm a very, very bad Hitler. Don't touch me.

02:22:51.610 --> 02:22:53.569
I thought it was the UK. Those are very American

02:22:53.569 --> 02:22:56.170
accents. Yeah, but it's the UK. They're pretending

02:22:56.170 --> 02:22:58.190
to be German. They're pretending to be German,

02:22:58.229 --> 02:23:01.170
so they went American. How weird, man. Well,

02:23:01.209 --> 02:23:02.690
they probably didn't know what a sitcom was.

02:23:02.750 --> 02:23:05.129
They just copied us. Yeah, exactly. They don't

02:23:05.129 --> 02:23:06.370
know how to do it. Take your uniform off, bro.

02:23:06.510 --> 02:23:07.870
You're home. Yeah, what are you doing, bro? Putting

02:23:07.870 --> 02:23:12.829
on sweats. Just off work. 1990. Jesus Christ.

02:23:12.829 --> 02:23:16.590
It was 1990. Wow. That's so nuts. That's so nuts.

02:23:17.649 --> 02:23:20.170
Damn, it got through. I would love to see someone

02:23:20.170 --> 02:23:22.409
in that meeting. I like how they made it 1938

02:23:22.409 --> 02:23:24.129
before things went totally sideways. Sounds like

02:23:24.129 --> 02:23:27.489
a fucking Nick Mullen pitch. Shut up, Earl. We're

02:23:27.489 --> 02:23:29.229
doing it. I can't believe they did that. They

02:23:29.229 --> 02:23:31.489
made it in 1938. That's when it was supposed

02:23:31.489 --> 02:23:35.389
to be. He lived next to a British couple, and

02:23:35.389 --> 02:23:36.870
they were like, we got to get rid of this couple.

02:23:37.030 --> 02:23:38.649
It's like if you do a show about the Jackson

02:23:38.649 --> 02:23:42.129
5, do it while he's young. Do it before things

02:23:42.129 --> 02:23:46.149
go weird. Joe Jackson was a mean man. Allegedly.

02:23:46.649 --> 02:23:50.909
Wow. That's the story? Yeah. Yeah. I bet most

02:23:50.909 --> 02:23:52.290
kids don't want to work that out. He whooped

02:23:52.290 --> 02:23:54.069
their ass into being the fucking best ever. The

02:23:54.069 --> 02:23:56.770
best ever. King of pop. King of pop. The creepy

02:23:56.770 --> 02:23:59.610
story. King of the popping boy pussy. What his

02:23:59.610 --> 02:24:02.190
doctor said. Popping that boy hymen. His doctor

02:24:02.190 --> 02:24:04.989
said that he was chemically castrated to keep

02:24:04.989 --> 02:24:07.350
his voice. Is that right? Which makes sense.

02:24:07.450 --> 02:24:11.370
If you look at him. Chemically. Yeah. His body

02:24:11.370 --> 02:24:13.690
looks so different than all his brothers. He

02:24:13.690 --> 02:24:15.909
looks like a eunuch. Like he has no muscle at

02:24:15.909 --> 02:24:18.319
all. Nothing. So he probably had no testosterone.

02:24:18.360 --> 02:24:21.920
So his voice never reached male puberty voice.

02:24:22.579 --> 02:24:25.420
But his dick still worked. I don't know. Well,

02:24:25.540 --> 02:24:28.819
according to some of those kids. Who knows who's

02:24:28.819 --> 02:24:30.020
telling the truth? Because he was banging Brooke

02:24:30.020 --> 02:24:34.719
Shields and Lisa Presley. He was with them. Oh,

02:24:34.959 --> 02:24:37.079
the old with them. But look at his kids. His

02:24:37.079 --> 02:24:39.500
kids are clearly not his kids. Really? Yeah,

02:24:39.500 --> 02:24:41.799
they're white kids. No, they look like a white

02:24:41.799 --> 02:24:44.620
kid because he was black, dude. Oh, that's right.

02:24:44.639 --> 02:24:48.420
His DNA was black. He was black. Listen to fucking

02:24:48.420 --> 02:24:50.860
Norman. He dolezaled. Norman's like the worst

02:24:50.860 --> 02:24:53.280
detective ever. Oh, he was black. Good point.

02:24:53.600 --> 02:24:57.180
Good point. He was a Negro. Sir, he was black.

02:24:57.260 --> 02:24:59.239
Chill, chill, chill, chill. I think Joe Rogan

02:24:59.239 --> 02:25:01.360
is a killer, but it wasn't there. Okay. Not his

02:25:01.360 --> 02:25:03.940
fucking kids, man. Those are not his kids. Well,

02:25:03.979 --> 02:25:06.500
they are his kids. And we're back. But not biologically.

02:25:07.359 --> 02:25:10.659
Really? Yeah, but Michael Jackson was so fucking

02:25:10.659 --> 02:25:13.260
good that even though there's all those allegations,

02:25:13.459 --> 02:25:14.940
people still listen to that music. They're like,

02:25:15.000 --> 02:25:17.719
shut up, shut up, shut up. He was so fucking

02:25:17.719 --> 02:25:20.159
good that Beat It, Tony Hinchcliffe used to have

02:25:20.159 --> 02:25:22.180
a joke about it. He was like, when Beat It comes

02:25:22.180 --> 02:25:25.059
on, you don't give a fuck about those kids. Dude,

02:25:25.059 --> 02:25:26.319
I don't even think about them. That was about

02:25:26.319 --> 02:25:29.579
his dad. Everyone had that joke. Beat it. Yeah,

02:25:30.379 --> 02:25:32.799
everybody had that joke. But Tony's was a really

02:25:32.799 --> 02:25:36.479
good one. It is a thing where you're... If someone's

02:25:36.479 --> 02:25:39.000
that talented, you let them slide. He had one

02:25:39.000 --> 02:25:42.280
too? Chappelle had, he was like, he made Thriller.

02:25:42.399 --> 02:25:44.459
It was on Chappelle's show. Oh. He was on the

02:25:44.459 --> 02:25:46.780
stand and he was like, he made Thriller. Right.

02:25:47.260 --> 02:25:50.700
You got diddled by the best pedophile of all

02:25:50.700 --> 02:25:52.739
time. And then he got pissed. And then he was

02:25:52.739 --> 02:25:54.340
defending R. Kelly and they pissed on him. It

02:25:54.340 --> 02:25:56.159
was good. Right. And then there was also, there

02:25:56.159 --> 02:25:57.879
was probably some shit going on with him where

02:25:57.879 --> 02:26:00.340
people were blackmailing him. Like, it might

02:26:00.340 --> 02:26:02.639
not have... If he really didn't have a working

02:26:02.639 --> 02:26:05.280
unit, like, if he really was chemically castrated,

02:26:05.319 --> 02:26:07.180
like his doctor said, that doctor that went to

02:26:07.180 --> 02:26:09.299
jail. Really? The one who went to jail for giving

02:26:09.299 --> 02:26:11.100
him profanol. So he would... Would have killed

02:26:11.100 --> 02:26:14.159
him. Yeah. He would literally get anesthetized

02:26:14.159 --> 02:26:16.579
because he couldn't sleep. He was so crazy that

02:26:16.579 --> 02:26:18.979
he just couldn't sleep. And so the doctor would,

02:26:19.020 --> 02:26:20.459
like, anesthetize him every night, and eventually

02:26:20.459 --> 02:26:22.340
he died. So when that doctor got out of jail,

02:26:22.440 --> 02:26:24.799
he gave an interview. He was talking about what

02:26:24.799 --> 02:26:26.979
happened to him, and he said that he was chemically

02:26:26.979 --> 02:26:29.450
castrated when he was young. Damn. That's why

02:26:29.450 --> 02:26:32.170
he looks so different. He's so thin. Like, no

02:26:32.170 --> 02:26:33.969
muscle at all. And you look at his brothers.

02:26:34.049 --> 02:26:36.750
His brothers look like men. Yeah. Like all the

02:26:36.750 --> 02:26:38.750
other brothers. But he was the young kid with

02:26:38.750 --> 02:26:41.110
this fucking golden voice. And there's a long

02:26:41.110 --> 02:26:42.809
history of people doing that. Those castratos

02:26:42.809 --> 02:26:45.209
from the opera days where they'd cut kids' nuts

02:26:45.209 --> 02:26:46.889
off and have them sing at a high pitch forever.

02:26:47.770 --> 02:26:50.209
You never heard castratos? Uh -uh. There's, like,

02:26:50.229 --> 02:26:53.350
one video or one recording that's available from,

02:26:53.370 --> 02:26:56.030
like, the early 1900s of a castrato. It's haunting.

02:26:56.569 --> 02:26:59.569
Pull it up. It's a guy with no nuts. They took

02:26:59.569 --> 02:27:02.569
his nuts when he was a young boy. Damn. That

02:27:02.569 --> 02:27:06.969
allergy. Dark. All right. Dark, dark shit, man.

02:27:07.350 --> 02:27:09.690
Well, hey, if it keeps you in working. What is

02:27:09.690 --> 02:27:11.729
this? I see what you've got there. You're trying

02:27:11.729 --> 02:27:13.530
to learn how to use it. It's a shotgun thing.

02:27:13.690 --> 02:27:15.549
Why don't I just push it against it? Drink it

02:27:15.549 --> 02:27:16.790
like a real American. What the hell is that?

02:27:16.870 --> 02:27:19.649
Oh, a shotgun button. Yeah, there you go. Whoa,

02:27:19.670 --> 02:27:22.209
that's a great invention. So you just punch it

02:27:22.209 --> 02:27:24.329
through. That didn't go through on Shark Tank.

02:27:24.670 --> 02:27:27.479
There you go. Fucking jizz on me. Oh, not much

02:27:27.479 --> 02:27:30.899
better. Much better. Well made. And you suck

02:27:30.899 --> 02:27:34.520
through the fucking dick. Oh, that's so much

02:27:34.520 --> 02:27:38.120
better. Suck it, Ari. That's like having an America

02:27:38.120 --> 02:27:40.280
Freedom bong in your pocket. I can't believe

02:27:40.280 --> 02:27:42.899
I caught that. That was a great throw, too. Perfect

02:27:42.899 --> 02:27:46.120
throw. Damn. Is that another one? Why do you

02:27:46.120 --> 02:27:47.860
keep doing that with your throat? It's so cold.

02:27:48.100 --> 02:27:52.100
Yeah. It's a cold beer. That's why I do it. Yeah,

02:27:52.120 --> 02:27:54.059
but that's not going to help. Shut up, dude.

02:27:54.440 --> 02:27:57.420
No, you shut up. Stop chugging a beer and going,

02:27:57.479 --> 02:28:03.459
oh. Oh, me throat. Oh, fuck. It's so uncomfortable.

02:28:04.860 --> 02:28:08.979
If I squeeze my throat, it makes me feel better.

02:28:09.120 --> 02:28:14.739
Ow, I hurt my elbow. Owie, my funny bone. These

02:28:14.739 --> 02:28:18.520
are great. These are great. The crack in. It's

02:28:18.520 --> 02:28:20.739
a great idea. Nice plug. The ultimate shocker.

02:28:20.760 --> 02:28:23.049
You think you get this into a stadium? Oh, yeah,

02:28:23.149 --> 02:28:24.629
you definitely could. You put your keys on it.

02:28:24.729 --> 02:28:26.709
Oh, you can give this to a lady for self -defense.

02:28:27.729 --> 02:28:32.649
They'd hold onto it like this. Like that fucking...

02:28:32.649 --> 02:28:35.110
Yeah, like the keys? The combat class I told

02:28:35.110 --> 02:28:40.010
you about? Yeah. Look at that. Don't. Don't you.

02:28:40.190 --> 02:28:44.350
Stop. Looks like Ari's nose. How dare you. Thinner,

02:28:44.389 --> 02:28:46.790
but the right shape. Son of a bitch. That's quite

02:28:46.790 --> 02:28:49.430
a honker. You son of a bitch. You got a nice

02:28:49.430 --> 02:28:51.969
honk, dude. Leave his honker alone. You could

02:28:51.969 --> 02:28:53.870
snort some blow with that puppy, huh? I support

02:28:53.870 --> 02:28:59.190
your honk. Is blow still a major thing amongst

02:28:59.190 --> 02:29:02.770
comedians? Sometimes. It is often. Is it out

02:29:02.770 --> 02:29:04.670
here with comedians? Sometimes if shit's going

02:29:04.670 --> 02:29:07.489
well. If shit's going well. It's not like there's

02:29:07.489 --> 02:29:09.989
not as many fiends, but if it's going around,

02:29:10.149 --> 02:29:12.309
people are like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, it's going

02:29:12.309 --> 02:29:16.520
around. Such a dumb one. Oh, squirter. That is

02:29:16.520 --> 02:29:18.719
great. What the fuck happened? You know they

02:29:18.719 --> 02:29:21.120
have legal weed? They have like that Delta -

02:29:21.120 --> 02:29:23.920
Delta 9. Delta 9. Lame. Yeah, but it's not bad.

02:29:24.159 --> 02:29:25.780
You ever try it? It's not bad. It helps you sleep.

02:29:25.819 --> 02:29:27.860
Delta 9 is the real weed, by the way. It's pretty

02:29:27.860 --> 02:29:30.000
weedy. What do you mean it's the real weed? 9

02:29:30.000 --> 02:29:31.520
is the normal weed. 8 is the stuff that's a little

02:29:31.520 --> 02:29:35.079
- Delta 8? Yeah. Oh. Is it suspect? I've had

02:29:35.079 --> 02:29:37.120
the legal stuff that you could buy here, and

02:29:37.120 --> 02:29:39.920
it's weed. It's okay. Yeah, but weed is also

02:29:39.920 --> 02:29:41.670
- Mike, what are you trying to do? Are you trying

02:29:41.670 --> 02:29:42.989
to get obliterated or do you just want to get

02:29:42.989 --> 02:29:44.709
a little creative? If you just want to get a

02:29:44.709 --> 02:29:46.090
little creative and get a little silly, it's

02:29:46.090 --> 02:29:49.409
perfect. It works. Like a weed. They don't give

02:29:49.409 --> 02:29:54.030
you 32 % weed. It's 17 % weed. What are you trying

02:29:54.030 --> 02:29:56.049
to do? What are percentages? I'm a United man.

02:29:56.250 --> 02:29:57.469
I'm saying you don't need to get obliterated.

02:29:57.530 --> 02:29:59.930
You can just have regular weed that's not crazy

02:29:59.930 --> 02:30:03.209
hard. But isn't it weird? My point was, what

02:30:03.209 --> 02:30:06.389
if someone comes out with a Delta 8 Coke? Oh.

02:30:07.920 --> 02:30:10.940
That's a great idea. If you could do that. That's

02:30:10.940 --> 02:30:13.799
called Adderall. Different forms of THC are in

02:30:13.799 --> 02:30:16.180
cannabis plants. The most abundant form is Delta

02:30:16.180 --> 02:30:18.579
-9. When people refer to the effects of THC,

02:30:18.579 --> 02:30:20.500
they usually talk about Delta -9. Other forms

02:30:20.500 --> 02:30:23.120
of THC, such as Delta -8 and Delta -10, have

02:30:23.120 --> 02:30:25.280
similar chemical structures to Delta -9, but

02:30:25.280 --> 02:30:28.360
their effects are usually different. Interesting.

02:30:29.629 --> 02:30:30.930
Some of that stuff's pretty good, and you can

02:30:30.930 --> 02:30:32.469
just buy it in a store, and it's totally legal.

02:30:32.530 --> 02:30:35.549
What a weird loophole. I've had a lot of it.

02:30:35.670 --> 02:30:38.170
In New York, you can buy shrooms at the bodega.

02:30:38.409 --> 02:30:40.069
Really? They're doing that now? Yeah, it's wide

02:30:40.069 --> 02:30:42.569
open, baby. Is that legal in the state now? No.

02:30:42.909 --> 02:30:45.850
No? No, but it's like nobody's bothering us.

02:30:45.909 --> 02:30:49.250
Well, listen, that's the beginning and eventually

02:30:49.250 --> 02:30:51.149
it's going to get to the point where people realize

02:30:51.149 --> 02:30:53.950
that it should be legal. You shouldn't have adults

02:30:53.950 --> 02:30:56.709
telling you what the fuck you can do. Yeah, but

02:30:56.709 --> 02:30:59.170
didn't Portland open up all the drugs and look

02:30:59.170 --> 02:31:01.610
at them now? Well, they had problems before that.

02:31:01.950 --> 02:31:07.030
You can't blame it on that. You gotta tilt it

02:31:07.030 --> 02:31:10.750
down. Tilt down. I'm talking to Rich Voss. Oh,

02:31:10.750 --> 02:31:22.399
you're right. I did do it upside down. And all

02:31:22.399 --> 02:31:25.079
my heroes in the methadone clinics. So he was

02:31:25.079 --> 02:31:28.100
in, Kid Rock was in my green room and that exact

02:31:28.100 --> 02:31:30.579
line came up. I was talking about a family member's

02:31:30.579 --> 02:31:34.139
drug addiction. And I was talking about methadone.

02:31:34.360 --> 02:31:36.579
And he was like, he was fucked up and he was

02:31:36.579 --> 02:31:38.760
like, I have a lyric about that. And I was like,

02:31:38.760 --> 02:31:41.120
what do you mean? He was like, he didn't think

02:31:41.120 --> 02:31:44.110
about it. And he was like, oh, my hero's in the

02:31:44.110 --> 02:31:45.969
methadone. I was like, you mean ball with the

02:31:45.969 --> 02:31:48.850
ball? I know, bro. I know that's the one you

02:31:48.850 --> 02:31:52.430
have. He probably still sings that all the time,

02:31:52.469 --> 02:31:54.709
right? That's the cool thing about being a rock

02:31:54.709 --> 02:31:58.290
star. They want to hear those old jams. It's

02:31:58.290 --> 02:32:01.270
like the machine with Bert. Yeah, they want to

02:32:01.270 --> 02:32:04.790
hear those old stories. That must be nice. You're

02:32:04.790 --> 02:32:06.690
a banger from fucking 30 years ago. That was

02:32:06.690 --> 02:32:09.750
Dice, too. What Dice had over all comics was

02:32:09.750 --> 02:32:11.409
everybody knew the lines, and they wanted to

02:32:11.409 --> 02:32:16.090
repeat them. What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! They

02:32:16.090 --> 02:32:19.690
had the whole crowd be like, yeah! It was like

02:32:19.690 --> 02:32:22.209
a song. We did a Rock on the Range or whatever.

02:32:22.329 --> 02:32:26.610
It was some rock fest. Dice was the comic there.

02:32:26.770 --> 02:32:31.049
I had to open for him. And he did that at the

02:32:31.049 --> 02:32:33.819
end. What's his face? Lincoln Parker. One of

02:32:33.819 --> 02:32:35.659
these bands brought him up. And the whole arena

02:32:35.659 --> 02:32:37.860
knew it. It was incredible. Oh, what? Yeah, because

02:32:37.860 --> 02:32:40.200
it was just the right age where they knew the

02:32:40.200 --> 02:32:42.639
whole thing. And they all sang it together. It

02:32:42.639 --> 02:32:44.819
was beautiful. I love what Dice is doing now.

02:32:45.569 --> 02:32:47.969
It's so crazy. His fucking videos. They're incredible.

02:32:48.309 --> 02:32:52.950
Can I get a picture with you? And nobody knows

02:32:52.950 --> 02:32:55.870
who he is, and he doesn't care. He doesn't have

02:32:55.870 --> 02:32:58.209
an issue with people not knowing who he is. Big

02:32:58.209 --> 02:33:01.649
shot with the two dogs. What? The two dogs. Big

02:33:01.649 --> 02:33:05.430
shot. Sir, I don't know. No, no, the two dogs.

02:33:05.829 --> 02:33:10.290
Big shot. He did it to me. I never met him. I

02:33:10.290 --> 02:33:11.209
was like, hey, I'm just letting you know I'm

02:33:11.209 --> 02:33:12.670
your opener. How much time do you want me to

02:33:12.670 --> 02:33:14.739
do? He goes, you want a photo? Like, no, no,

02:33:14.780 --> 02:33:16.360
I'm just saying I'm your opener. He's like, come

02:33:16.360 --> 02:33:18.100
on, let's get a photo. And I'm like, I'm good.

02:33:18.180 --> 02:33:20.719
I'm good on the photo. He was always down for

02:33:20.719 --> 02:33:23.340
the goof. Yeah, he's always down with goofing

02:33:23.340 --> 02:33:28.559
on people. I could see that you're fans and I

02:33:28.559 --> 02:33:33.040
get it if you wanted the picture. You know what

02:33:33.040 --> 02:33:36.940
I mean? Some people are shy about stopping me.

02:33:40.200 --> 02:33:49.479
Some of them get shy. Huge fan, man. Thanks.

02:33:49.620 --> 02:33:55.719
Brad Garrett, killing me. Does Brad Garrett still

02:33:55.719 --> 02:33:58.020
do stand -up at his club? I think so, yeah. I

02:33:58.020 --> 02:33:59.860
have no idea. He's got that nice club in Vegas.

02:33:59.979 --> 02:34:02.299
I hear it's a beauty. It's a great club. Stocked

02:34:02.299 --> 02:34:04.200
with candy. Don Marrera used to work that club

02:34:04.200 --> 02:34:06.579
all the time. Oh, yeah? Yeah, he said it was

02:34:06.579 --> 02:34:08.920
like the best club in Vegas. Does Kimmel's got

02:34:08.920 --> 02:34:10.940
a club there? Wise Guys has a club there? Is

02:34:10.940 --> 02:34:12.959
Kimmel's still open? Wise Guys has two clubs

02:34:12.959 --> 02:34:14.860
there now. I heard Vegas has a little bit of

02:34:14.860 --> 02:34:17.680
a scene. Vegas has got a comedy scene now. Two

02:34:17.680 --> 02:34:20.020
clubs in Vegas? Tripoli lives there now? No.

02:34:20.020 --> 02:34:21.840
How does that work? That was his scene that he

02:34:21.840 --> 02:34:23.879
came up with. Oh, right, right, right. And Stanhope,

02:34:23.940 --> 02:34:26.069
too. Stan Hope, really? Yeah. He had a club?

02:34:26.250 --> 02:34:30.409
No, he started in Vegas. Pretty sure. What's

02:34:30.409 --> 02:34:32.129
his name from Wyoming? Was there for a long time?

02:34:32.290 --> 02:34:34.110
I heard a great Stan Hope story. I don't know

02:34:34.110 --> 02:34:35.809
if I'm allowed to say it. Don't say it then.

02:34:35.909 --> 02:34:39.270
Okay. Give it a chance. Tell us later. It's pretty

02:34:39.270 --> 02:34:42.010
funny, but it's like, I think it's pretty tame.

02:34:42.149 --> 02:34:43.850
Give it a chance. I'll give it a chance. We can

02:34:43.850 --> 02:34:47.309
cut it out. J -Mo, make a time note. Okay. Carl

02:34:47.309 --> 02:34:49.110
will be ready with a butt, with a dump. When

02:34:49.110 --> 02:34:53.729
Zany's opened in... Nashville? Yes. He went,

02:34:53.750 --> 02:34:56.590
and no one knew who he was. He walked like half

02:34:56.590 --> 02:34:58.250
the room. People were like, this is horrible,

02:34:58.450 --> 02:35:01.409
you're weird, you're anti -Bible, whatever. And

02:35:01.409 --> 02:35:03.709
the bartender there was some lady, and it was

02:35:03.709 --> 02:35:05.649
her first night at a comedy club bartending.

02:35:05.770 --> 02:35:07.090
And she went up to him after, and she was like,

02:35:07.190 --> 02:35:09.969
you're disgusting. That was abhorrent. That was

02:35:09.969 --> 02:35:12.010
inappropriate. That was crazy. She didn't know

02:35:12.010 --> 02:35:15.829
comedy. So then, whatever, cut to 30 years later,

02:35:15.989 --> 02:35:19.309
he comes back to Zany's, kills, has one of these

02:35:19.309 --> 02:35:22.829
magical sets, annihilates. Great night. He gets

02:35:22.829 --> 02:35:25.389
off stage, and she was like, she now had been

02:35:25.389 --> 02:35:27.750
seasoned with comedy. She's heard all these people

02:35:27.750 --> 02:35:30.450
over the years. And she's like, that was great.

02:35:30.629 --> 02:35:34.350
They go out. He ends up. fucking her back at

02:35:34.350 --> 02:35:36.889
his or her apartment and he's over the balcony

02:35:36.889 --> 02:35:38.790
fucking her, fucking her. She's like, you don't

02:35:38.790 --> 02:35:40.209
remember me? You don't remember me? He's like,

02:35:40.250 --> 02:35:41.809
no, I don't remember you. Whatever. And they're

02:35:41.809 --> 02:35:43.629
fucking, they're fucking and now he's got her

02:35:43.629 --> 02:35:45.209
over the balcony fucking her doggy style and

02:35:45.209 --> 02:35:48.489
he goes, you're disgusting. Oh, is that true?

02:35:49.309 --> 02:35:51.969
I mean, I don't know. It's a story I heard. It's

02:35:51.969 --> 02:35:54.610
a fun story. How's he gonna know? Cut that out.

02:35:55.489 --> 02:35:57.649
No, I don't, I think that's alright. That's alright.

02:35:57.790 --> 02:35:59.809
Is that alright? It's probably not true. I feel

02:35:59.809 --> 02:36:02.379
like we should check. I don't think Stan Hope

02:36:02.379 --> 02:36:05.440
would be upset. All right. Call him. Try to call

02:36:05.440 --> 02:36:07.819
him. Call him. If we know Doug Stan Hope, I'm

02:36:07.819 --> 02:36:09.139
sure he doesn't care. He'd be like, whatever.

02:36:09.260 --> 02:36:12.420
I have fucked. It's fine. Let's find out. Let's

02:36:12.420 --> 02:36:14.540
find out what's going on here. But what a great

02:36:14.540 --> 02:36:17.620
30 -year callback. You want to FaceTime Kid Rock?

02:36:17.659 --> 02:36:19.760
I bet he says something retarded. Call him up.

02:36:20.459 --> 02:36:27.840
Let's get Kid Rock on our pod. First guest. Ask

02:36:27.840 --> 02:36:34.319
him if the story's real. Joe. Who rules more

02:36:34.319 --> 02:36:42.260
than Stan Hope? He's the best. He might not have

02:36:42.260 --> 02:36:47.639
woken up yet. He's shaking a drink. He can't

02:36:47.639 --> 02:36:50.780
answer. Okay, that's one number. Let me try the

02:36:50.780 --> 02:36:52.420
other. No, I've been out there. He wakes up early.

02:36:52.750 --> 02:36:54.610
Oh, really? I couldn't believe it. He might already

02:36:54.610 --> 02:36:55.709
be passed out. Let's see if this one works. I

02:36:55.709 --> 02:36:58.010
got a couple numbers. He also doesn't drink like

02:36:58.010 --> 02:37:01.250
that. Come on. No, it's when he goes after it,

02:37:01.250 --> 02:37:03.329
then he goes after it. It's a marathon. No, not

02:37:03.329 --> 02:37:04.930
happening. He might call back, so keep an eye

02:37:04.930 --> 02:37:09.489
on that puppy. That's funny, though. I heard

02:37:09.489 --> 02:37:13.149
another one where his... Douglas, we're on the

02:37:13.149 --> 02:37:19.350
air. Text me or call me when you get this. Period.

02:37:19.829 --> 02:37:23.049
I'm with Shane, Mark Norman. And Ari Shaffir.

02:37:26.690 --> 02:37:28.829
I think Sam Talent lived there for a minute.

02:37:29.549 --> 02:37:32.209
He was with me. Oh, with you, okay. He was there

02:37:32.209 --> 02:37:33.629
for like a week, yeah. No, no, you're talking

02:37:33.629 --> 02:37:36.450
about Bisbee. Yeah. Oh, Bisbee, yeah. Yeah, he

02:37:36.450 --> 02:37:38.729
came down. Me and Sam had one of the hardest

02:37:38.729 --> 02:37:41.629
I've ever laughed in my life. It's not even funny.

02:37:41.709 --> 02:37:44.309
We were just on mushrooms. But Stan Hope, so

02:37:44.309 --> 02:37:46.709
it's just us, and Stan Hope has the fun house,

02:37:46.790 --> 02:37:49.270
his bar, so we're just drinking every night.

02:37:49.719 --> 02:37:52.399
And then me and Sam took mushrooms. And the whole

02:37:52.399 --> 02:37:55.000
time, every time you talk to Stan Hope, he's

02:37:55.000 --> 02:37:57.280
such like an old road dog that will be like,

02:37:57.379 --> 02:38:01.579
do you know Billy Cummings? He just always says

02:38:01.579 --> 02:38:04.120
a name that you've never heard of. Anyway, we're

02:38:04.120 --> 02:38:06.920
up on the roof. Me and Sam are up on the roof

02:38:06.920 --> 02:38:09.360
of the Funhouse on mushrooms, dying laughing

02:38:09.360 --> 02:38:15.340
about a scenario where his dog Henry eats his

02:38:15.340 --> 02:38:20.700
cat Meatwig. When the cat gets eaten, Stanhope,

02:38:20.780 --> 02:38:22.540
just imagining what Stanhope would do if his

02:38:22.540 --> 02:38:27.559
dog ate his cat and be like, Meatwig, no! It's

02:38:27.559 --> 02:38:30.579
so funny. The dog ate the cat? No, it's just

02:38:30.579 --> 02:38:32.700
a made -up, we're on mushrooms, so we think it's

02:38:32.700 --> 02:38:35.659
the funniest thing of all time. Of him just going,

02:38:35.739 --> 02:38:41.700
Meatwig, no! But also, Stanhope can be mean drunk.

02:38:42.020 --> 02:38:44.850
Really? Oh, yeah. Scary. We'll be sitting there

02:38:44.850 --> 02:38:46.129
drinking, then out of nowhere he'll be like,

02:38:46.250 --> 02:38:53.229
you're fat. That's uncalled for. We'll have a

02:38:53.229 --> 02:38:55.290
nice night smoking cigarettes, drinking vodka,

02:38:55.430 --> 02:38:57.049
then out of nowhere Stan Hope will just turn

02:38:57.049 --> 02:38:59.370
to you and be like, you fucking suck at comedy.

02:39:01.690 --> 02:39:03.790
We're on mushrooms. We go downstairs. And he's

02:39:03.790 --> 02:39:05.950
also, I mean, we're dying at the concept of two

02:39:05.950 --> 02:39:09.170
fucking ogres. Me and Sam on your roof. Huge,

02:39:09.170 --> 02:39:12.930
man. Tackling about you. Let us into your home.

02:39:13.149 --> 02:39:14.569
Yeah. Let's think about mushrooms. There's so

02:39:14.569 --> 02:39:17.489
many layers. I'm trying to explain this. You're

02:39:17.489 --> 02:39:19.530
laughing about three laps. Right, right. I get

02:39:19.530 --> 02:39:22.889
it. But meat wig, no. But then we go downstairs.

02:39:23.809 --> 02:39:26.709
He's drunk. We're high on mushrooms. And the

02:39:26.709 --> 02:39:28.829
first thing he does, he turns to us. He takes

02:39:28.829 --> 02:39:30.629
a drag of a cigarette. And he's like. Do you

02:39:30.629 --> 02:39:34.209
boys remember Bentley Dustin? Some fucking random

02:39:34.209 --> 02:39:38.229
fucking bullshit comic. And we start howling,

02:39:38.229 --> 02:39:42.309
laughing at his face. He's instantly just like,

02:39:42.430 --> 02:39:48.450
you two fat fucking losers. And it's just making

02:39:48.450 --> 02:39:52.170
us laugh more. Yeah, Stanhope can turn nasty

02:39:52.170 --> 02:39:55.309
when he's drunk, which is so funny. Because he's

02:39:55.309 --> 02:39:58.299
in a fucking clown. Yeah, yeah. You know what

02:39:58.299 --> 02:40:00.639
I mean? He filmed a special at my club, but I

02:40:00.639 --> 02:40:02.940
don't think he released it. What? What? Put it

02:40:02.940 --> 02:40:04.799
out. Yeah, I don't know what's going on with

02:40:04.799 --> 02:40:07.159
it. Fitzsimmons did. It's the devil after crowd.

02:40:07.520 --> 02:40:09.459
Fitzsimmons has one coming out. Brian Simpson,

02:40:09.639 --> 02:40:14.440
he filmed it. He filmed it on Netflix. But no,

02:40:14.620 --> 02:40:17.040
Stan helped film something. I don't know what

02:40:17.040 --> 02:40:19.780
he did with it. Was it killer? I wasn't there.

02:40:19.860 --> 02:40:21.520
I was out of town when he was doing it, unfortunately.

02:40:22.229 --> 02:40:24.450
Stanhope's like, unless I film with one camera

02:40:24.450 --> 02:40:26.329
by an audience member in the crowd, it's not

02:40:26.329 --> 02:40:29.229
cool enough. He filmed when I was on the road.

02:40:29.370 --> 02:40:32.809
I was somewhere. Or I wasn't home. It might have

02:40:32.809 --> 02:40:34.370
been a UFC weekend or something like that, and

02:40:34.370 --> 02:40:36.250
he filmed. I heard it was great, though. Damn.

02:40:36.770 --> 02:40:38.290
I think he might have filmed during the day.

02:40:38.889 --> 02:40:42.430
No refunds. Of course. Day drunk things. I think

02:40:42.430 --> 02:40:44.250
that's it. I think he did one of those day drinking

02:40:44.250 --> 02:40:46.950
things where he filmed at noon. There's a poster

02:40:46.950 --> 02:40:49.790
in your club. Day drunk. Yeah. Stanhope. That

02:40:49.790 --> 02:40:52.579
must have been it. That's it. Framed. I saw him

02:40:52.579 --> 02:40:54.360
once at King King. Burt's done those, too. Yeah,

02:40:54.459 --> 02:40:56.459
I did the last one with him. You did, too. You

02:40:56.459 --> 02:40:57.219
came up there. That was the first time I ever

02:40:57.219 --> 02:41:00.319
featured, ever. What is it like doing a show

02:41:00.319 --> 02:41:02.159
at Newark? A long time ago. The first time I

02:41:02.159 --> 02:41:06.879
ever featured was opening for Burt on a day drinking

02:41:06.879 --> 02:41:09.799
show. No way. Really? It was a Colin Sick to

02:41:09.799 --> 02:41:11.700
Work show. When was this? What year? Helium Philly,

02:41:11.860 --> 02:41:18.559
2016. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Wow.

02:41:18.930 --> 02:41:20.729
Damn. And then I emailed him, and I was like,

02:41:20.850 --> 02:41:23.709
we should work together. That's hilarious. The

02:41:23.709 --> 02:41:25.729
first time you featured was 2016, and eight years

02:41:25.729 --> 02:41:27.450
later, you're the biggest comic in the world.

02:41:27.829 --> 02:41:30.129
I knew it. I thought I had something. That's

02:41:30.129 --> 02:41:34.049
pretty incredible. You did guest sets on my show,

02:41:34.069 --> 02:41:36.270
and I was like, who's this guy? Where's he coming

02:41:36.270 --> 02:41:38.389
from? What are you doing? 30 minutes later, he's

02:41:38.389 --> 02:41:40.170
like, who are you, though? Yeah, right. Well,

02:41:40.309 --> 02:41:42.870
I was doing it. I did a decade of truck stops

02:41:42.870 --> 02:41:44.069
in the middle of the year. Right, right, right.

02:41:44.350 --> 02:41:47.549
See? Good for you. Seasoned. Seasoned. Bad rooms.

02:41:47.690 --> 02:41:50.299
I win. I think that's the thing with everything.

02:41:50.860 --> 02:41:55.500
You've got to have a full array of experiences

02:41:55.500 --> 02:41:58.819
in order to reach your potential. I think that's

02:41:58.819 --> 02:42:00.840
the thing with everything. The only one you couldn't

02:42:00.840 --> 02:42:03.659
conquer. I think that's with everything. Every

02:42:03.659 --> 02:42:08.399
fighting movie, you see some guy in some fucking

02:42:08.399 --> 02:42:12.440
seedy bar that has a boxing ring, and he steps

02:42:12.440 --> 02:42:14.059
through the ropes, and next thing you know, he's

02:42:14.059 --> 02:42:16.299
fighting for the title. It's like with everything.

02:42:16.579 --> 02:42:19.379
Batman had a fight in that hole. There you go.

02:42:19.520 --> 02:42:23.829
You gotta know all the... fucking aspect. You

02:42:23.829 --> 02:42:26.590
can't be some guy who's gone from like a YouTube

02:42:26.590 --> 02:42:29.909
star to being now you're doing clubs and you're

02:42:29.909 --> 02:42:31.790
selling out everywhere but you've never done

02:42:31.790 --> 02:42:34.030
a fucking bachelor party. Elton John was talking

02:42:34.030 --> 02:42:37.149
about all these boy bands and he goes they've

02:42:37.149 --> 02:42:39.309
never had a bottle thrown at them. So they don't

02:42:39.309 --> 02:42:41.430
know how to like get a crowd. And Simmons and

02:42:41.430 --> 02:42:43.889
I since like we literally started out together

02:42:43.889 --> 02:42:46.409
so many times him and I would just been fucking

02:42:46.409 --> 02:42:49.370
laughing hysterically at hell gigs that we had

02:42:49.370 --> 02:42:52.600
to do together. I did a show for Rogan at Chickapee?

02:42:52.780 --> 02:42:55.659
Yes! I know Chickapee Mass. Yeah, awful. They're

02:42:55.659 --> 02:42:57.139
bagging up their fucking Chinese wiener. Some

02:42:57.139 --> 02:42:59.559
guy comes on stage while I'm on, and he goes,

02:42:59.600 --> 02:43:01.299
I want a selfie. And before, there were cell

02:43:01.299 --> 02:43:03.459
phones. And I'm like, what? He takes a camera,

02:43:03.540 --> 02:43:05.379
puts his shoulder over me, takes it, and I'm

02:43:05.379 --> 02:43:07.920
like, looking for a door guard that doesn't exist.

02:43:08.260 --> 02:43:10.559
And I'm like, you gotta roll with it. You're

02:43:10.559 --> 02:43:13.760
in the middle of nowhere. But you're right, it's

02:43:13.760 --> 02:43:16.659
like, what's his name? Dempsey? Yeah, Jack Dempsey.

02:43:16.659 --> 02:43:18.920
He was out doing bar fights back in the day,

02:43:18.940 --> 02:43:20.379
and they were like, you're pretty good at this.

02:43:20.420 --> 02:43:21.940
Make money. Yeah, we're all heavyweight champs.

02:43:22.120 --> 02:43:24.459
Remember Kimbo Slice? He used to fight in the

02:43:24.459 --> 02:43:27.020
backyard. Fight cops. Fight cops. Take your badge

02:43:27.020 --> 02:43:28.639
off. Let's go. Next thing you know, he's on fucking

02:43:28.639 --> 02:43:32.559
CBS. Oh, Stanhope. Hey! Ask him about the story.

02:43:32.659 --> 02:43:36.329
Douglas, me boy! Hello, I was just wrapping up

02:43:36.329 --> 02:43:39.510
some dude's podcast. Wait, we were just talking

02:43:39.510 --> 02:43:41.850
about you, because we're doing Protect Our Parks

02:43:41.850 --> 02:43:44.770
right now, and Norman just told some story about

02:43:44.770 --> 02:43:47.190
you being very rude to some lady. I'm not here.

02:43:47.250 --> 02:43:49.670
And he's not exactly sure if it's a true story.

02:43:50.280 --> 02:43:52.020
About someone saying that you were disgusting

02:43:52.020 --> 02:43:54.979
and then many years later you went back and...

02:43:54.979 --> 02:43:57.680
Nashville. Nashville, zanies. You fucked her

02:43:57.680 --> 02:44:00.139
over a balcony? No, that was Chicago zanies.

02:44:00.219 --> 02:44:03.760
Chicago zanies. Okay, fast. Tell me what happened.

02:44:04.379 --> 02:44:08.180
It's actually in a book. She was a waitress.

02:44:08.770 --> 02:44:11.870
During the Chicago Comedy Festival, late 90s.

02:44:12.250 --> 02:44:16.430
And she had watched my set. And then afterwards,

02:44:16.590 --> 02:44:19.049
all the staff is closing out. All the comics

02:44:19.049 --> 02:44:22.329
are going, hey, what bar do we go to? And go

02:44:22.329 --> 02:44:24.250
around the corner. So I'm sitting next to her.

02:44:24.329 --> 02:44:26.709
And it ends up me and her, the last people there.

02:44:27.010 --> 02:44:29.030
And I said, are you going to this bar? And she

02:44:29.030 --> 02:44:32.079
goes. I just want you to know I saw your set

02:44:32.079 --> 02:44:34.680
tonight, and I think you're absolutely disgusting.

02:44:36.120 --> 02:44:42.659
So I get booked back there, and she's working

02:44:42.659 --> 02:44:45.180
there. I'm doing a regular week by myself. How

02:44:45.180 --> 02:44:49.540
many years later? Within the year. Oh, my God.

02:44:49.579 --> 02:44:53.000
Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah, it goes from a festival

02:44:53.000 --> 02:44:58.819
to an actual headlining week. And so I said to

02:44:58.819 --> 02:45:01.680
her, All right, listen. Yeah, I said that. You

02:45:01.680 --> 02:45:03.319
said that. Well, we're going to work the whole

02:45:03.319 --> 02:45:05.500
week together, so how about we have a truce?

02:45:05.680 --> 02:45:08.700
And she said, yeah, fine by me. And then cut

02:45:08.700 --> 02:45:14.059
to after, you know, the bar closed at the bar

02:45:14.059 --> 02:45:17.700
after the bar back at my hotel. I'm fucking her

02:45:17.700 --> 02:45:28.889
in the ass. Did you say in the ass? Yes. The

02:45:28.889 --> 02:45:32.270
weird part was I was in a hotel that had windows

02:45:32.270 --> 02:45:37.829
that opened. That's how long ago it was. I had

02:45:37.829 --> 02:45:40.209
her bent over with her head out the window and

02:45:40.209 --> 02:45:45.489
I came in her ass and I leaned into her ear and

02:45:45.489 --> 02:45:47.930
I said, I just want you to know for the record,

02:45:48.069 --> 02:45:58.090
I find you absolutely disgusting. The best part

02:45:58.090 --> 02:46:02.930
is when I wrote that story in my first book and

02:46:02.930 --> 02:46:05.750
then we did the book, the audible podcast style.

02:46:05.870 --> 02:46:09.409
So we come out of the book and I had her on as

02:46:09.409 --> 02:46:13.309
a live guest. So I read that part to her and

02:46:13.309 --> 02:46:16.270
then we cut to her, her side of the story. And

02:46:16.270 --> 02:46:18.270
she goes, first of all, you didn't come in my

02:46:18.270 --> 02:46:22.309
ass. You came on my back. This gal sounds awesome.

02:46:22.309 --> 02:46:24.170
That's a win. That's a win for her. What's the

02:46:24.170 --> 02:46:26.190
second of all? Absolutely. Second of all, go

02:46:26.190 --> 02:46:31.600
Bears. Oh, my God. What'd you say? What are you

02:46:31.600 --> 02:46:33.739
protecting the parks from? Oh, no, it's just

02:46:33.739 --> 02:46:37.979
a podcast we do all the time. We didn't have

02:46:37.979 --> 02:46:39.959
a name for it, but Ari was trying to protect

02:46:39.959 --> 02:46:42.219
a park, so we started calling it Protect Our

02:46:42.219 --> 02:46:45.260
Parks. But it didn't work. He didn't protect

02:46:45.260 --> 02:46:48.059
the park. They cut all the trees down. We failed.

02:46:48.440 --> 02:46:50.520
Could you ask him if Meatwig's still alive? Is

02:46:50.520 --> 02:46:53.579
Meatwig still alive? Meatwig is still alive,

02:46:53.600 --> 02:46:55.959
but it's not an outdoor cat anymore. It lives

02:46:55.959 --> 02:46:58.940
over at the Quiet House. convalescing in his

02:46:58.940 --> 02:47:01.899
old, old, old years. Shane was telling some story

02:47:01.899 --> 02:47:05.700
about him and Sam. They were blasted on mushrooms

02:47:05.700 --> 02:47:07.959
and they, they had this idea that your dog ate

02:47:07.959 --> 02:47:10.840
your cat and you were trying to like, tell the

02:47:10.840 --> 02:47:14.940
dog. No, they thought it was hilarious. Douglas.

02:47:16.639 --> 02:47:19.639
I love you. I love you. Go back to it. Okay.

02:47:19.760 --> 02:47:22.899
Bye. I'll talk to you soon. Come to Austin. Come

02:47:22.899 --> 02:47:26.399
to Austin. I am. When are you coming? As soon

02:47:26.399 --> 02:47:31.120
as I buy the ticket. Okay. Come. Come. I want

02:47:31.120 --> 02:47:33.620
you here in July. Can you come in July? Diaz

02:47:33.620 --> 02:47:36.500
is coming. I want you to come the week Diaz is

02:47:36.500 --> 02:47:38.299
coming. We'll hook it up. We'll do shows together.

02:47:38.780 --> 02:47:42.180
Let's have fun. All right. All right. Bye. Yay.

02:47:42.399 --> 02:47:44.819
Bye. Sweet boy. I love when you try to convince

02:47:44.819 --> 02:47:46.819
someone or something. Like, yeah, okay. Yeah.

02:47:47.040 --> 02:47:49.299
Doug's the best. I have a list of reasons why

02:47:49.299 --> 02:47:51.139
you're like, no, I'm already in. Yeah. Doug's

02:47:51.139 --> 02:47:54.739
the best. That was awesome. He's the best. I

02:47:54.739 --> 02:47:59.459
was a little off with the story. 30 years versus

02:47:59.459 --> 02:48:04.959
one year is a big gap. Also, I was sad at a lady

02:48:04.959 --> 02:48:06.680
who was in her 50s getting fucked in the ass.

02:48:06.739 --> 02:48:09.819
I was like, don't do that. That part of me made

02:48:09.819 --> 02:48:11.780
me sad. Nashville and Chicago, a meaningless

02:48:11.780 --> 02:48:16.879
detail. It's a mistake. This is how the Bible

02:48:16.879 --> 02:48:19.100
was written. Chad Daniels told me this story.

02:48:19.559 --> 02:48:22.860
Chad's on the podcast too because of Ari. Dude,

02:48:22.860 --> 02:48:25.819
Chad's killer. Yeah, because they reached out.

02:48:25.860 --> 02:48:27.719
I was like, okay, let's go. It's about time.

02:48:27.719 --> 02:48:29.479
It's so funny. Joe reached out like, hey, is

02:48:29.479 --> 02:48:31.700
this person funny? And sometimes you don't know

02:48:31.700 --> 02:48:33.459
them. You're like, I have no idea. Other times

02:48:33.459 --> 02:48:35.399
you hate them and you're just like, I don't really

02:48:35.399 --> 02:48:37.079
know them. And then other times you'll be like,

02:48:37.159 --> 02:48:39.940
that guy fucking rules. He's the best. He's the

02:48:39.940 --> 02:48:41.639
real deal. That's what he said about Chad. So

02:48:41.639 --> 02:48:43.840
I was like, let's go. We just did Fully Loaded

02:48:43.840 --> 02:48:45.399
together. He's ripping every night. Oh, nice,

02:48:45.399 --> 02:48:48.680
nice, nice, nice. Yeah, he's on the train. Tony's

02:48:48.680 --> 02:48:50.879
out there with Bert right now doing Fully Loaded.

02:48:50.959 --> 02:48:52.659
Oh, there you go. He's like, what am I doing

02:48:52.659 --> 02:48:55.680
with my life? How did I agree to this? It's fun,

02:48:55.739 --> 02:48:57.459
but you do activities. You got to do activities.

02:48:57.659 --> 02:48:59.180
You don't have to. You do cold plunges and shit.

02:48:59.180 --> 02:49:00.959
You don't have to. You can say you've witnessed

02:49:00.959 --> 02:49:02.719
me say no. Shane is always the best. I got to

02:49:02.719 --> 02:49:05.280
do it. Hey, Shane, welcome to society. You're

02:49:05.280 --> 02:49:07.020
awake. What do you want to do? Get the fucking

02:49:07.020 --> 02:49:10.159
camera out of my face. Okay, we're moving on.

02:49:10.260 --> 02:49:12.559
Why would we ever film ourselves? What kind of

02:49:12.559 --> 02:49:14.100
activities do they try to get you to do? Bert's

02:49:14.100 --> 02:49:15.879
like, we're doing unicycles today. You're like,

02:49:15.940 --> 02:49:17.920
ah, fuck. It's like we're playing frisbee golf.

02:49:17.940 --> 02:49:20.299
Is everything documented? Yeah. There's always

02:49:20.299 --> 02:49:24.520
a camera. Burt is still making up for not being

02:49:24.520 --> 02:49:26.600
part of Tourgasm, and he's just trying to recreate

02:49:26.600 --> 02:49:29.500
it. No, Burt is making up for the fact that he

02:49:29.500 --> 02:49:31.500
wasted so much time on that stupid Travel Channel

02:49:31.500 --> 02:49:36.180
show. No tickets sold from that. Zero. I called

02:49:36.180 --> 02:49:39.040
Burt up once. I was in the main room of the comedy

02:49:39.040 --> 02:49:41.059
store. I called Burt up, and I was waiting to

02:49:41.059 --> 02:49:43.280
go on stage. I was like, what's Burt up to? And

02:49:43.280 --> 02:49:45.649
I call, and he's like, I'm on a video. I'm in

02:49:45.649 --> 02:49:48.409
Vietnam. I'm on a motorcycle. I'm drunk. I'm

02:49:48.409 --> 02:49:50.069
having the best time. I go, Bert, listen to me.

02:49:50.129 --> 02:49:51.829
You've got to get off that show. I go, that show's

02:49:51.829 --> 02:49:53.870
a velvet prison. It's a velvet prison. Velvet

02:49:53.870 --> 02:49:55.850
prison. You've got to remember what a velvet

02:49:55.850 --> 02:49:58.989
prison is. It's a nice thing. It's like what

02:49:58.989 --> 02:50:01.489
writers get. They get a velvet prison. So you're

02:50:01.489 --> 02:50:04.069
writing on a show, and then when the show has

02:50:04.069 --> 02:50:06.729
a fucking actor's writer's guild strike, you're

02:50:06.729 --> 02:50:08.889
fucked for like six months. You have no money

02:50:08.889 --> 02:50:10.670
coming in. And then you try doing stand -up again.

02:50:10.829 --> 02:50:13.750
I'm like, you've got to be the master of your

02:50:13.750 --> 02:50:16.350
own domain. You can't do this. You're a great

02:50:16.350 --> 02:50:18.469
guy. You're hilarious. You're great on podcasts.

02:50:18.809 --> 02:50:20.729
You should do your own podcast. And you should

02:50:20.729 --> 02:50:23.250
make money off of that and doing stand -up. If

02:50:23.250 --> 02:50:24.409
you don't know who Bert Kreischer is, he's one

02:50:24.409 --> 02:50:26.829
of those two fat guys driving a unicycle. He's

02:50:26.829 --> 02:50:30.069
the pregnant man emoji on your iPhone. And the

02:50:30.069 --> 02:50:33.889
tour is so fun. It's so fun. He's fun. The activities,

02:50:34.190 --> 02:50:36.670
I'm always a fucking wet blanket. People hate

02:50:36.670 --> 02:50:38.590
on Burt. I'm always like, no, fuck that. It's

02:50:38.590 --> 02:50:41.049
so fun. People hate on Burt because I think he

02:50:41.049 --> 02:50:44.469
overpromotes. Yeah, if Burt's activities weren't

02:50:44.469 --> 02:50:47.110
recorded, they would be hella fun. Well, you

02:50:47.110 --> 02:50:49.649
know, we went deep sea fishing last week. We

02:50:49.649 --> 02:50:51.950
were in South Carolina. Remember when we worked

02:50:51.950 --> 02:50:54.209
out with The Rock? We worked out the rock. One

02:50:54.209 --> 02:50:56.170
of the things I said, I said, let's do no cameras.

02:50:56.250 --> 02:50:58.670
Let's just have fun. Yeah. So we all came in.

02:50:58.709 --> 02:51:00.950
We all worked out. Oh, deep sea fishes. There

02:51:00.950 --> 02:51:03.909
it is. Where were you guys? South Carolina. We

02:51:03.909 --> 02:51:05.629
caught a couple sharks. We caught a red fish.

02:51:08.809 --> 02:51:11.549
That's nice. That's fun. This is noon, by the

02:51:11.549 --> 02:51:13.389
way. That's a good time, though. We did that

02:51:13.389 --> 02:51:16.069
at Norman's bachelor party. I'm always glad we

02:51:16.069 --> 02:51:18.229
went. I got one more piss. Fishing is a good

02:51:18.229 --> 02:51:19.489
time. We did it at Norman's bachelor party, and

02:51:19.489 --> 02:51:21.209
that's when Bert ruled, but there was no cameras

02:51:21.209 --> 02:51:23.030
there. It was just like, I'm making activities

02:51:23.030 --> 02:51:26.569
for you. That was too hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry

02:51:26.569 --> 02:51:29.530
it was too hard. The key is moderation. The key

02:51:29.530 --> 02:51:32.090
is don't be fucking promoting every minute of

02:51:32.090 --> 02:51:35.010
every day. It's not that fun. Yes, exactly. It's

02:51:35.010 --> 02:51:36.989
not fun for the people. And also the people that

02:51:36.989 --> 02:51:39.299
are paying attention. to your social media, like,

02:51:39.379 --> 02:51:43.459
stop. Leave me alone. Stop being so goddamn needy.

02:51:43.500 --> 02:51:46.659
Sure, but I gotta tell you, these are great gigs.

02:51:46.760 --> 02:51:49.440
He's got the best crowds. Killer crowds. You

02:51:49.440 --> 02:51:52.000
go get drunk, then you get back on the bus to

02:51:52.000 --> 02:51:55.420
drive to the new gig, and it's me, Dave Attell,

02:51:55.479 --> 02:51:58.299
Soder, Big Jay, and it's just a great crew, and

02:51:58.299 --> 02:52:01.200
we're talking shit, and we're smoking cigars.

02:52:01.520 --> 02:52:05.479
It's a beautiful thing. Bus life. Bus life. It's

02:52:05.479 --> 02:52:08.040
very fun. What do you think about a mothership

02:52:08.040 --> 02:52:11.379
comedy festival? Now you're talking. Buddy, if

02:52:11.379 --> 02:52:14.020
there was a number above 100%, I would give it

02:52:14.020 --> 02:52:15.420
to you. Let's do it, buddy. I've been thinking

02:52:15.420 --> 02:52:17.280
about doing that. Where? Here. Doing it right

02:52:17.280 --> 02:52:19.260
here. Why would I go anywhere? I'm not going

02:52:19.260 --> 02:52:21.840
anywhere. Even if you don't buy these theaters,

02:52:22.059 --> 02:52:27.159
you can get them involved. Yeah. There's a thousand.

02:52:27.319 --> 02:52:29.639
Yes. The answer is yes. The whole other town.

02:52:29.840 --> 02:52:34.920
I just want everybody here. Yeah. Yes. We're

02:52:34.920 --> 02:52:37.120
kind of doing it every week anyway. Experimental

02:52:37.120 --> 02:52:39.219
show. But you do other shows. You can do weird

02:52:39.219 --> 02:52:41.440
shows. I'll do my storytelling show. 100%. You'll

02:52:41.440 --> 02:52:43.319
do like fun, weird, interesting. Bottom of the

02:52:43.319 --> 02:52:44.959
barrel. Brian Simpson in front of a giant crowd.

02:52:45.200 --> 02:52:48.340
Do like never before done shows. Yeah. Kill Tony.

02:52:48.520 --> 02:52:51.280
Riffing shows. I've been thinking about a lot

02:52:51.280 --> 02:52:53.520
of different ways to expand. Like we're doing

02:52:53.520 --> 02:52:57.159
so well. It's almost like we have too many people

02:52:57.159 --> 02:52:59.639
that want to come versus tickets that are available.

02:52:59.860 --> 02:53:02.530
Yeah. And I'm like, I want to expand. A -level

02:53:02.530 --> 02:53:04.510
headliner room would be great. Yes. I want not

02:53:04.510 --> 02:53:06.969
just an A -level headliner room. I want a theater.

02:53:07.170 --> 02:53:10.909
Yeah. I think a theater is the move, and I think

02:53:10.909 --> 02:53:13.110
once we get the theater, then we do like a second

02:53:13.110 --> 02:53:15.510
Westwood -type comedy store. I love it. We do

02:53:15.510 --> 02:53:17.850
Mothership West. Love it. I get on the plane.

02:53:18.069 --> 02:53:20.790
By Esther's Follies. Check in like three minutes

02:53:20.790 --> 02:53:24.190
before my flight. I get frazzled, get on the

02:53:24.190 --> 02:53:26.450
plane. Norman's there. I'm like, oh, you're here.

02:53:26.729 --> 02:53:28.770
I didn't know you were on the flight. We're great.

02:53:28.829 --> 02:53:30.709
We're talking about it. We used to come to Austin

02:53:30.709 --> 02:53:35.250
only for opening for you or Moon Tower. Or Moon

02:53:35.250 --> 02:53:37.750
Tower South By. And that was a fucking party.

02:53:37.870 --> 02:53:40.329
And now it's a party every time. Anytime you

02:53:40.329 --> 02:53:42.090
want to come. So why not come a day early? Why

02:53:42.090 --> 02:53:45.370
not stay a day late? It's a party. You're not

02:53:45.370 --> 02:53:48.329
here by yourself in the old Cap City where you're

02:53:48.329 --> 02:53:50.229
like, well, I'm alone. It's time to get out of

02:53:50.229 --> 02:53:52.209
here. Tyler Fisher just moved here, too. He's

02:53:52.209 --> 02:53:55.370
a funny guy. We're going hard. I feel like there's

02:53:55.370 --> 02:53:57.829
more room. I really do. I feel like there's more

02:53:57.829 --> 02:54:01.350
room, and I want to keep this process of developing

02:54:01.350 --> 02:54:03.790
new comics. You need another club, though. It's

02:54:03.790 --> 02:54:05.950
too much. It's overloaded. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:54:06.069 --> 02:54:08.590
But the idea is we're going to do other clubs.

02:54:08.829 --> 02:54:11.190
I think we're going to keep going. I think we've

02:54:11.190 --> 02:54:13.930
only been open a year, man. Whoa! It's crazy.

02:54:14.290 --> 02:54:17.469
We've been open one year, and so the next stage,

02:54:17.549 --> 02:54:20.729
I think stage two is a theater. Stage three is

02:54:20.729 --> 02:54:22.690
a second club, like a little bit further out.

02:54:23.110 --> 02:54:24.409
And we just keep going. Yeah, a little further,

02:54:24.530 --> 02:54:26.549
a little away. Everybody's going to benefit.

02:54:26.809 --> 02:54:28.829
Cap City will benefit. Everybody will benefit.

02:54:29.049 --> 02:54:31.350
The whole idea is make this the best playground

02:54:31.350 --> 02:54:34.739
possible for comedy. There we go. Now we're talking.

02:54:34.959 --> 02:54:37.139
Best playground possible. You guys keep talking

02:54:37.139 --> 02:54:39.159
about how it's the best scene. I think we've

02:54:39.159 --> 02:54:40.959
already kind of accomplished something that I

02:54:40.959 --> 02:54:42.520
never would have imagined we'd be able to pull

02:54:42.520 --> 02:54:44.440
off. And I think it happened because the fucking

02:54:44.440 --> 02:54:47.059
universe made it possible. All the things had

02:54:47.059 --> 02:54:49.360
to take place. I had to have the Spotify money.

02:54:49.860 --> 02:54:52.360
L .A.'s falling apart. The comedy stores closed

02:54:52.360 --> 02:54:55.399
down. All those employees were available. Everybody

02:54:55.399 --> 02:54:58.079
wanted to move. We started doing shows with Dave

02:54:58.079 --> 02:55:00.879
outdoors. Then we started doing live shows indoors

02:55:00.879 --> 02:55:05.489
at Vulcan. All the things like Ron White was

02:55:05.489 --> 02:55:07.950
already here, so The Godfather was already here.

02:55:08.110 --> 02:55:10.770
Ron White was here before the pandemic. We were

02:55:10.770 --> 02:55:12.129
talking about, too, the outdoor shows. You had

02:55:12.129 --> 02:55:14.270
to go down to zero and then up to an outdoor

02:55:14.270 --> 02:55:16.590
show. You couldn't go down to an outdoor show.

02:55:16.670 --> 02:55:18.469
You had to go to, like, there is no comedy. No

02:55:18.469 --> 02:55:20.610
shows. And then accept, oh, outdoor, not bad.

02:55:20.909 --> 02:55:23.440
Exactly. And when Dave and I was doing those

02:55:23.440 --> 02:55:25.780
shows, it was like everybody had to be tested.

02:55:26.079 --> 02:55:27.860
So we tested everyone. You had to get there an

02:55:27.860 --> 02:55:29.920
hour and a half before the show. Everybody got

02:55:29.920 --> 02:55:31.860
a test. We sent a bunch of people home that had

02:55:31.860 --> 02:55:38.479
COVID. Aw. It's got a refund? No. Damn. I know.

02:55:38.579 --> 02:55:42.040
I'm joking. That was at Stubbs? Mm -hmm. Yeah.

02:55:42.420 --> 02:55:45.000
But. Once we started doing shows at the Vulcan,

02:55:45.059 --> 02:55:46.799
I was like, oh, my God, we're never going back.

02:55:47.180 --> 02:55:50.399
Because it was indoors. And the roar, the feeling

02:55:50.399 --> 02:55:52.479
of all this. And the Vulcan is like all hard

02:55:52.479 --> 02:55:55.500
surfaces. So everything's like echoing. And when

02:55:55.500 --> 02:55:57.739
you would crush on stage, Ron White came off

02:55:57.739 --> 02:55:59.860
stage and he grabbed my shoulders, grabbed both

02:55:59.860 --> 02:56:02.159
of my shoulders hard. And he goes, whatever the

02:56:02.159 --> 02:56:04.000
fuck we have to do, we're going to keep doing

02:56:04.000 --> 02:56:06.780
this. You got to open up that club. It was like

02:56:06.780 --> 02:56:08.879
a moment in a movie. And I was like, we're opening

02:56:08.879 --> 02:56:12.309
up a club. 100%. It was so cool. We had already

02:56:12.309 --> 02:56:14.229
started talking. We had already started talking

02:56:14.229 --> 02:56:15.690
about opening. Because once I got here, I was

02:56:15.690 --> 02:56:18.229
like, damn. The Vulcan's beautiful. It's a fucking

02:56:18.229 --> 02:56:20.510
awesome place. But it's just not set up right.

02:56:20.709 --> 02:56:23.989
I don't own it. I can't just let it go crazy.

02:56:24.170 --> 02:56:28.270
I can't set up a system of open micers and showcases.

02:56:29.110 --> 02:56:31.610
We've got to have a regular club. Shut up. You

02:56:31.610 --> 02:56:33.889
suck. Don't do it, Ari. Go pee out there, you

02:56:33.889 --> 02:56:35.190
fucking idiot. Listen, I'm going to tell you

02:56:35.190 --> 02:56:36.950
this. Are you peeing now? Next time, yes. But

02:56:36.950 --> 02:56:38.350
it's already pinched. We've got to get you a

02:56:38.350 --> 02:56:40.510
catheter. This is out of control. I'm Jewish.

02:56:40.989 --> 02:56:43.450
Have you pissed yet? No. You and I, the last

02:56:43.450 --> 02:56:46.069
of the Mohicans. Yeah, you had three shots of

02:56:46.069 --> 02:56:48.489
fucking. Tequila. Yeah. I had two espressos.

02:56:48.930 --> 02:56:51.969
I had three. You can hold and pee to the death.

02:56:52.030 --> 02:56:54.770
Three beers. Freak. Well, it's just my body's

02:56:54.770 --> 02:56:56.870
trained from doing so many podcasts. I'll challenge

02:56:56.870 --> 02:57:00.799
you. Are you over pissing? Ari. Why do you do

02:57:00.799 --> 02:57:04.260
this? This isn't cool. There was a hole in it.

02:57:06.180 --> 02:57:08.840
Piss on the ground? Did you get piss on the ground?

02:57:08.899 --> 02:57:11.379
How much piss did you get on the ground? Wipe

02:57:11.379 --> 02:57:13.979
it up. He whipped his balls out on the Lauren

02:57:13.979 --> 02:57:16.360
Compton show. Did you really? I told him I'm

02:57:16.360 --> 02:57:18.120
not allowed legally anymore. You gotta get a

02:57:18.120 --> 02:57:20.379
new bit. I'm not allowed legally anymore. You

02:57:20.379 --> 02:57:22.540
gotta get new material. Who told you you're not

02:57:22.540 --> 02:57:26.020
allowed? The LAPD. What'd they say? They said,

02:57:26.020 --> 02:57:28.739
you can never do that again. LAPD? Yeah, after

02:57:28.739 --> 02:57:32.399
the forum show. Really? Los Angeles Penis Department.

02:57:32.719 --> 02:57:35.159
How'd they phrase it? What? How'd they phrase

02:57:35.159 --> 02:57:38.000
it? They called me. We talked to a lawyer. Pulled

02:57:38.000 --> 02:57:39.020
up the Iron Dome. They said, you just can't ever

02:57:39.020 --> 02:57:40.420
do that again. They talked to a lawyer? And I'm

02:57:40.420 --> 02:57:42.059
like, what about a club and stuff? And they're

02:57:42.059 --> 02:57:43.979
like, listen, if you ever do it again, you're

02:57:43.979 --> 02:57:47.200
going to jail. Whoa! Yeah, Lenny Bruce. Jesus,

02:57:47.219 --> 02:57:48.639
Ari. That could be you, dude. You're an outlaw.

02:57:48.639 --> 02:57:50.799
Taking a stand. Taking your weird penis out in

02:57:50.799 --> 02:57:52.979
public. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. You're

02:57:52.979 --> 02:57:59.360
like a Judas Priest song. Judas. Breaking the

02:57:59.360 --> 02:58:04.479
law. Breaking the law. There you go, Ari. Judas

02:58:04.479 --> 02:58:06.620
Priest was like the thing all the troubled kids

02:58:06.620 --> 02:58:09.000
in my neighborhood listened to. Yeah. Judas Priest.

02:58:09.219 --> 02:58:10.639
I think I'm going to sit around with this little

02:58:10.639 --> 02:58:20.559
boy in my brain. Is that a lyric? He was a gay.

02:58:21.079 --> 02:58:23.760
Yeah, he was a gay. And he was a gay who tricked

02:58:23.760 --> 02:58:26.180
everybody into dressing like a gay biker. Wow.

02:58:26.459 --> 02:58:30.920
He literally made that whole scene where everybody

02:58:30.920 --> 02:58:34.200
dressed like a gay biker. What was that? You

02:58:34.200 --> 02:58:38.959
got another thing coming. Whoa. Here we go. Royalties.

02:58:40.500 --> 02:58:46.959
While Ari pisses in a Bud Light bottle. I had

02:58:46.959 --> 02:58:49.420
a kid that was real troubled in my high school,

02:58:49.559 --> 02:58:52.239
and this was a song that he put on his fucking

02:58:52.239 --> 02:58:54.860
high school yearbook. You know, he had quotes.

02:58:55.000 --> 02:58:59.219
You got another thing coming. I'm gonna live

02:58:59.219 --> 02:59:02.879
it up. He tricked everybody into dressing like

02:59:02.879 --> 02:59:08.299
a gay biker. Stop looking at it. Jamie keeps

02:59:08.299 --> 02:59:10.299
staring at it. I didn't even make sure he was

02:59:10.299 --> 02:59:11.600
still going. I didn't know he was still going.

02:59:11.739 --> 02:59:12.940
I'm looking at the screen like, what is he doing?

02:59:13.360 --> 02:59:15.760
Rap existed when I was in high school. Rap existed

02:59:15.760 --> 02:59:17.959
when I was in middle school. But it wasn't like

02:59:17.959 --> 02:59:19.879
mainstream. Sugar Hill Gang. Yeah, that's not

02:59:19.879 --> 02:59:21.100
rap. It existed, but we didn't know about it.

02:59:21.420 --> 02:59:24.000
No, we knew about that show. Oh, you did? I mean,

02:59:24.000 --> 02:59:31.649
that song, yeah. And then... Give me a... There

02:59:31.649 --> 02:59:35.290
is a fortune waiting to be had. You think I'll

02:59:35.290 --> 02:59:38.129
let it go. You're mad. You got another thing

02:59:38.129 --> 02:59:41.469
coming. This is the rebel song of my high school.

02:59:42.809 --> 02:59:47.790
He's gay. Big gay. Dude, put your fucking dick

02:59:47.790 --> 02:59:50.930
away. Bro, he wasn't just gay. He was gay, like,

02:59:51.010 --> 02:59:56.530
leather bicycle outfit. What the fuck is that?

02:59:56.850 --> 03:00:00.559
Are you done? I'm done. Wipe me out. Gross cock,

03:00:00.559 --> 03:00:02.280
dude. You've got to get rid of those piss bottles.

03:00:02.440 --> 03:00:04.500
You can't be leaving them here for Jamie. 100%.

03:00:04.500 --> 03:00:06.459
Did you pee on the table? You son of a bitch.

03:00:06.459 --> 03:00:09.120
No, that's beer. You liar. That's beer. It's

03:00:09.120 --> 03:00:10.260
all the same. How much of it is beer? Yeah, but

03:00:10.260 --> 03:00:11.639
why? What are you doing? You're sloppy. Just

03:00:11.639 --> 03:00:13.420
go to the bathroom. Leaky dick. We were having

03:00:13.420 --> 03:00:15.180
a great conversation. I had to be. You didn't

03:00:15.180 --> 03:00:17.559
have anything to add to it. I'm going to live

03:00:17.559 --> 03:00:22.340
it up. I'll stop being mad about it. I'm sorry.

03:00:23.700 --> 03:00:26.500
Yeah, rap. I really fell in love with rap when

03:00:26.500 --> 03:00:28.709
I was on the road. When I started doing stand

03:00:28.709 --> 03:00:32.149
-up, because I'd be, like, driving to gigs, listening

03:00:32.149 --> 03:00:34.989
to, like, Cool G rap and, like, the old days,

03:00:35.110 --> 03:00:38.969
like, 90s hip -hop, Nas. Like, that's when I

03:00:38.969 --> 03:00:41.389
really got into rap. Hip -hop is dead. It's not.

03:00:41.770 --> 03:00:44.309
Rock is... It's a not, dude. It's a not song.

03:00:44.750 --> 03:00:48.290
I'm singing it. It's funny. That's why the kids

03:00:48.290 --> 03:00:50.709
listen to Judas Priest that were losers. We had,

03:00:50.809 --> 03:00:53.700
like, Marilyn Manson. If a kid was listening

03:00:53.700 --> 03:00:55.920
to that, you'd be like, what the fuck? Devil

03:00:55.920 --> 03:01:00.180
worshipper. Marilyn motherfucking Hanson. We

03:01:00.180 --> 03:01:01.920
had a jelly roll popped onto the fully loaded,

03:01:02.040 --> 03:01:04.260
and that was fun. He's an animal. That fucking

03:01:04.260 --> 03:01:06.520
dude is so fun. He's such a good dude. He's always

03:01:06.520 --> 03:01:08.840
at the store, or the mothership. Oh, really?

03:01:09.440 --> 03:01:11.219
Basically, he's at the store. Wow. It's a new

03:01:11.219 --> 03:01:14.159
version of the store. There's a reason. Front

03:01:14.159 --> 03:01:15.760
windshield is bigger than the back windshield.

03:01:15.879 --> 03:01:19.059
Look forward, not backwards. Theo Vaughn's version

03:01:19.059 --> 03:01:22.180
of him is hilarious. Really? Theo does an impression

03:01:22.180 --> 03:01:24.639
of Jelly Roll. You ever see him? No. Jelly Roll's

03:01:24.639 --> 03:01:26.620
inspirational speeches. Find that. He doesn't

03:01:26.620 --> 03:01:28.719
just win an award. He's got to be like, everyone

03:01:28.719 --> 03:01:31.639
needs to get better. He's like, Theo Vaughn.

03:01:31.760 --> 03:01:33.639
He was doing it in the green room the other day.

03:01:33.659 --> 03:01:36.840
We were on the floor. We were crying. Theo Vaughn,

03:01:36.860 --> 03:01:39.739
he's got compilations on YouTube. He's so quick.

03:01:40.079 --> 03:01:42.840
He's so funny, man. He's so funny. He's coming

03:01:42.840 --> 03:01:44.959
here in July. He's going to be here in July,

03:01:45.100 --> 03:01:47.920
and he's going to look for houses. Here we go.

03:01:48.340 --> 03:01:51.879
Right now, there's somebody stuck under a bridge.

03:01:52.719 --> 03:01:55.360
There's somebody out there who's got a size 11

03:01:55.360 --> 03:01:59.079
foot and a size 8 tennis shoe. And I just want

03:01:59.079 --> 03:02:03.120
to say, you can live your dream. I want to tell

03:02:03.120 --> 03:02:05.540
you that the wind sound is bigger than the wind

03:02:05.540 --> 03:02:12.959
you hear in Burley. Full preacher. He's so full

03:02:12.959 --> 03:02:15.040
of feelings, bro. He gets up there and he's just

03:02:15.040 --> 03:02:18.959
like, I want to tell you. That's it. Beautiful.

03:02:19.239 --> 03:02:23.000
More than just feelings. Full of donuts. Yeah,

03:02:23.040 --> 03:02:24.700
it's a lot going on. There's a lot of things

03:02:24.700 --> 03:02:27.040
happening there. Great guy. He's been to prison.

03:02:27.360 --> 03:02:30.250
Really? Yeah, the real deal. Yeah, I think that's

03:02:30.250 --> 03:02:33.190
why he's so nice. Yes. Very nice guy. I think

03:02:33.190 --> 03:02:35.629
he's so nice. He's so full of love. I think it's

03:02:35.629 --> 03:02:37.530
because he's experienced so many fucking shit

03:02:37.530 --> 03:02:39.569
moments in his life, and now he's realizing.

03:02:39.770 --> 03:02:41.370
You're done, right? Yeah, I'm done. All right.

03:02:41.409 --> 03:02:43.370
Please. Yeah, he's a good dude. He looks like

03:02:43.370 --> 03:02:46.370
if Ralphie May had like a... Post Malone filter.

03:02:47.870 --> 03:02:50.149
Well, I hope we don't lose him. Post Baloney.

03:02:51.069 --> 03:02:54.690
Post Baloney. Post Baloney. Being that big is

03:02:54.690 --> 03:02:57.590
dangerous. Yeah. You know, whenever we lose people

03:02:57.590 --> 03:02:59.950
that are so awesome like Patrice or Ralphie or

03:02:59.950 --> 03:03:04.709
this, fuck, man. That's controllable. Yeah. Those

03:03:04.709 --> 03:03:07.680
super fat guys, it's like the Indus. It's coming,

03:03:08.059 --> 03:03:10.280
man. It's coming. Scary stuff. But some of those

03:03:10.280 --> 03:03:12.559
guys, you know, Joey lost a lot of weight. Joey

03:03:12.559 --> 03:03:15.360
was big at one point in time. Oh, yeah. But you

03:03:15.360 --> 03:03:17.899
know what's crazy? That coincided with Joey becoming

03:03:17.899 --> 03:03:21.079
amazing. Joey was built like a football player.

03:03:21.219 --> 03:03:23.420
When I first met Joey, he was built like a thug.

03:03:23.620 --> 03:03:26.000
Fat became, you mean associated with him becoming

03:03:26.000 --> 03:03:28.500
amazing? No, he became fat, and then he became

03:03:28.500 --> 03:03:31.520
insanely funny. It all happened at the same time.

03:03:32.079 --> 03:03:34.260
Like, Joey, when I first met him, was, like,

03:03:34.260 --> 03:03:37.540
fresh out of prison, and I was on news radio,

03:03:37.760 --> 03:03:39.899
and he was at the store, and I met him, and I,

03:03:39.940 --> 03:03:41.700
like, bring him to the news radio, and he'd be,

03:03:41.719 --> 03:03:43.879
like, fucking... He would go into, like, there

03:03:43.879 --> 03:03:46.360
was the green room that was only for the executives,

03:03:46.479 --> 03:03:48.440
and Joey would go in there and eat all the shrimp.

03:03:48.700 --> 03:03:51.020
He was just fucking good. And he'd be like, who

03:03:51.020 --> 03:03:54.299
is this guy? Because he just... He's not... He

03:03:54.299 --> 03:03:57.020
was a fucking house, man. He was a big dude.

03:03:57.159 --> 03:04:00.780
Like, big, but big, like, thick, strong. And...

03:04:01.040 --> 03:04:04.940
You know, he was this guy that, like, I knew

03:04:04.940 --> 03:04:07.500
guys like him from New York. Are you pissing

03:04:07.500 --> 03:04:10.739
again? No. What are you doing? Shitting. I'm

03:04:10.739 --> 03:04:12.700
making sure everything's safe on the floor. Oh,

03:04:12.719 --> 03:04:17.680
okay. But he was like, when I was in L .A., I

03:04:17.680 --> 03:04:19.760
was like, God, I was so used to East Coast people

03:04:19.760 --> 03:04:23.040
that West Coast, like, actor people, it was like

03:04:23.040 --> 03:04:27.920
they were. poison ivy i was like i was so confused

03:04:27.920 --> 03:04:31.540
coming from the comedy scene of new york coming

03:04:31.540 --> 03:04:33.860
from danger fields and working with otto and

03:04:33.860 --> 03:04:36.959
george and rich voss and all these animals and

03:04:36.959 --> 03:04:40.079
then all of a sudden i'm in la with these fucking

03:04:40.079 --> 03:04:42.860
weirdos it's odd the weirdest thing about la

03:04:42.860 --> 03:04:45.739
comics was like none of them knew sports at all

03:04:45.739 --> 03:04:48.200
well it's like aliens they were just like tending

03:04:48.200 --> 03:04:51.600
i don't know sports but you had some sports you

03:04:51.600 --> 03:04:55.010
like They were like, I don't do that. Dude, I

03:04:55.010 --> 03:04:56.729
literally don't even know the rules. Yeah, but

03:04:56.729 --> 03:04:59.649
you know UFC. Yeah, but the one thing. But back

03:04:59.649 --> 03:05:02.469
then, that didn't even exist. Back then, when

03:05:02.469 --> 03:05:05.379
I first came to LA, there was no UFC. At least

03:05:05.379 --> 03:05:07.659
you went to a pool. Boxing. Something. Yeah,

03:05:07.719 --> 03:05:09.780
I was into combat sports. I was into kickboxing.

03:05:09.899 --> 03:05:13.079
I could tell you obscure Muay Thai guys, but

03:05:13.079 --> 03:05:14.799
I didn't know anything about sports, and people

03:05:14.799 --> 03:05:16.420
would always give me shit about it. It was like,

03:05:16.479 --> 03:05:19.000
who won the Super Bowl? I'm like, when is that?

03:05:19.239 --> 03:05:21.579
What is that? It's over. That's why we're asking.

03:05:22.299 --> 03:05:24.620
Like, oh. That must have been weird in Boston

03:05:24.620 --> 03:05:27.239
growing up, not knowing the Bruins, the Celtics,

03:05:27.280 --> 03:05:29.680
the Pates. I don't give a fuck. I didn't give

03:05:29.680 --> 03:05:31.739
a fuck. Really? Damn. I actually didn't give

03:05:31.739 --> 03:05:33.260
a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to.

03:05:33.459 --> 03:05:36.520
No, I didn't care. Even chicks care. I didn't

03:05:36.520 --> 03:05:38.879
care. I mean, the WNBA? Yeah, but I was just

03:05:38.879 --> 03:05:42.159
like, no. I'd be so sick of Joey at the WNBA.

03:05:42.659 --> 03:05:46.819
That'd be my thing. Angel Reese. Yeah. Isn't

03:05:46.819 --> 03:05:49.079
it funny that beef is the only thing that's bringing

03:05:49.079 --> 03:05:51.440
all the attention to the WNBA? It's a lot of

03:05:51.440 --> 03:05:53.319
lesbians. A lot of lesbians getting mad. They

03:05:53.319 --> 03:05:56.159
like that roast beef. Yeah. Let it be lesbos.

03:05:57.539 --> 03:06:01.159
Let it be lesbos. Let it be who they are. They

03:06:01.159 --> 03:06:03.340
want to fight. They want to be lesbians. She's

03:06:03.340 --> 03:06:05.920
getting pushed around. Boys, it's time to get

03:06:05.920 --> 03:06:09.899
some food and do some fucking jokes. Yeah. Let's

03:06:09.899 --> 03:06:11.559
get about this bitch. It's a little early. Is

03:06:11.559 --> 03:06:14.959
that 516? Yeah. It shows at what, 8? Want to

03:06:14.959 --> 03:06:16.540
keep going? We could bong one more. No, it shows

03:06:16.540 --> 03:06:18.000
at 7. We could bong one more. Oh, it shows at

03:06:18.000 --> 03:06:20.959
7. We should bong one more. I like these things.

03:06:21.479 --> 03:06:24.159
Tilt. You've got to tilt it down. Tilt the world.

03:06:24.239 --> 03:06:29.190
I agree. All right, tilt it. How many piss cans

03:06:29.190 --> 03:06:31.129
you got over there? I'm going to take care of

03:06:31.129 --> 03:06:33.889
them. But five. You know what we haven't played

03:06:33.889 --> 03:06:37.229
in a long time, boys? What? Free Bird. Oh, shit.

03:06:38.290 --> 03:06:40.850
If we're going to go America. Yeah, just start

03:06:40.850 --> 03:06:43.770
it now. We're going to go full Bud Light, full

03:06:43.770 --> 03:06:47.290
America, full Kid Rock. How much piss did you

03:06:47.290 --> 03:06:49.329
leave on the floor? Dude, what the fuck? What

03:06:49.329 --> 03:06:56.180
are you doing? You're rapping what? What? Put

03:06:56.180 --> 03:07:00.079
that in the garbage fucking weirdo. Oh, help

03:07:00.079 --> 03:07:11.959
me. Okay Wow Look at these guys man. They're

03:07:11.959 --> 03:07:27.750
the Kings. Yeah, look at the Dixie behind Jesus.

03:07:27.750 --> 03:07:31.850
Then it's another one. Norman. Bring it on, fatty.

03:07:32.350 --> 03:07:35.149
That's how you do it. It's slightly cracked.

03:07:35.590 --> 03:07:39.110
Oh, shit. It's okay. If there was one concert

03:07:39.110 --> 03:07:42.430
that I could ever go see. Let's get the regular

03:07:42.430 --> 03:07:46.629
version. Can you play it not live? What are you

03:07:46.629 --> 03:07:48.770
doing? Oh, the regular version of it? Yeah, but

03:07:48.770 --> 03:07:51.549
so good, though, to watch it live. But keep going.

03:07:51.649 --> 03:07:54.200
Keep going with that, Jamie. Keep going with

03:07:54.200 --> 03:07:55.559
that live version because I want to see people

03:07:55.559 --> 03:07:58.520
dancing. Look at them all having a fucking time

03:07:58.520 --> 03:08:02.120
of their lives. God damn, man. No fake tits.

03:08:02.120 --> 03:08:05.059
Tits on YouTube. Real tits. No black people either.

03:08:06.219 --> 03:08:11.239
Holy shit. I still maintain. This is the greatest

03:08:11.239 --> 03:08:19.559
guitar solo in the history of the world. They're

03:08:19.559 --> 03:08:22.670
going nuts. They got nothing else. You know,

03:08:22.709 --> 03:08:25.290
when they opened up for the Rolling Stones, the

03:08:25.290 --> 03:08:27.290
Rolling Stones were shitting their pants when

03:08:27.290 --> 03:08:29.469
this was going on. Really? They were like, God

03:08:29.469 --> 03:08:31.870
damn. And they weren't supposed to go out onto

03:08:31.870 --> 03:08:34.670
the lip. And they went out onto the lip. And

03:08:34.670 --> 03:08:36.889
they're like, fuck it. Wait, they told them not

03:08:36.889 --> 03:08:38.229
to? Yeah, they told them not to. They're like,

03:08:38.350 --> 03:08:42.709
fuck you. They're like, we're performing. Look

03:08:42.709 --> 03:08:47.010
at that skinny twink. Just ripping. And all white.

03:08:50.069 --> 03:08:57.860
God damn, this is good. I do like the founding

03:08:57.860 --> 03:09:05.200
fathers looking down like, we did it. Look at

03:09:05.200 --> 03:09:09.479
the crew. And they're from Florida. That's right.

03:09:09.879 --> 03:09:14.840
Jacksonville. Florida. Duval. Florida. Is that

03:09:14.840 --> 03:09:18.940
where Limp Bizkit's from? Limp Bizkit? Limp Bizkit's

03:09:18.940 --> 03:09:22.290
Jacksonville? Jacksonville Beach, yeah. Look

03:09:22.290 --> 03:09:26.370
at these ladies. Those ladies never been to a

03:09:26.370 --> 03:09:29.610
CrossFit class in their life. That's pre -Ozembek.

03:09:29.850 --> 03:09:33.450
That's Denny's body by Denny's. That guy's 15.

03:09:36.790 --> 03:09:46.569
Here it goes. How did they all stay so skinny?

03:09:46.950 --> 03:09:52.799
Because they were doing this all night. Look

03:09:52.799 --> 03:09:56.120
at that guy's a rail. It's like a tampon. They

03:09:56.120 --> 03:10:02.299
weren't eat processed foods Take it to the bulge

03:10:02.299 --> 03:10:19.920
God damn this is good What a country Let's go

03:10:21.899 --> 03:10:25.959
Look at these motherfuckers. Open leather vest.

03:10:26.340 --> 03:10:28.680
Yeah, leather pants. Leather pants, leather hat.

03:10:28.920 --> 03:10:34.559
With the drawstring. The heat. Oh, man. Bass

03:10:34.559 --> 03:10:42.559
player's ripping it. Ripping. What are these

03:10:42.559 --> 03:10:45.799
guys doing now? Well, there's a plane crash.

03:10:46.200 --> 03:10:49.930
Plane crash, Mark Norman. Fucking 9 -11. They

03:10:49.930 --> 03:10:54.829
flew right into the tower. Here comes the jump.

03:10:58.090 --> 03:11:01.350
Cocaine. Look at that fucking crowd. Imagine

03:11:01.350 --> 03:11:04.270
having to follow this. Oakland has changed. Imagine

03:11:04.270 --> 03:11:10.229
having to follow this. This guy brown sugar after

03:11:10.229 --> 03:11:14.610
this. That guy is fucked up. That one guy's just

03:11:14.610 --> 03:11:16.450
standing there like, what is happening? What

03:11:16.450 --> 03:11:18.409
am I seeing? God, so many orders. Have you ever

03:11:18.409 --> 03:11:21.670
seen a more enthusiastic crowd? I got one. I

03:11:21.670 --> 03:11:27.790
got one. What? Enter Sandman Moscow. Oh. Pulling

03:11:27.790 --> 03:11:32.409
up. 91 Moscow. JMO. Like 500 ,000 people? Bro,

03:11:32.409 --> 03:11:34.770
it's the fall of the Soviet Union. We sent rock

03:11:34.770 --> 03:11:36.850
and roll over there just to be like... We sent

03:11:36.850 --> 03:11:39.610
Metallica. Yeah, wait till you see this. Oh,

03:11:39.610 --> 03:11:41.870
my God. Did you see the white... 91, Moscow.

03:11:42.530 --> 03:11:43.729
Oh, look at that. The lightning storm they had.

03:11:43.809 --> 03:11:47.010
Fucking blast. Yes, shit was sick. Wow. White

03:11:47.010 --> 03:11:49.290
piano. If there was a time, though, that I could

03:11:49.290 --> 03:11:50.909
go back in time and see a concert, this would

03:11:50.909 --> 03:11:52.469
be it. This might be the best concert. Dude,

03:11:52.549 --> 03:11:53.989
there's a part in this video where a soldier

03:11:53.989 --> 03:11:56.329
takes his... He, like, unbuttons his uniform

03:11:56.329 --> 03:12:00.170
and he's just like... 91. This is a year after

03:12:00.170 --> 03:12:03.110
Heil Honey, I'm Home. This is, uh... Let it play.

03:12:03.430 --> 03:12:05.690
Is this right? This is art. Yes, this is it.

03:12:05.790 --> 03:12:10.190
Wow, Inner Salmon, live Moscow, 1991. Just let

03:12:10.190 --> 03:12:12.729
it play. Let it play, J -Mo. Holy shit. Pre -Putin.

03:12:12.729 --> 03:12:15.729
Look at how many people there are. Look at the

03:12:15.729 --> 03:12:17.909
soldiers. Soldiers everywhere. How many people

03:12:17.909 --> 03:12:21.229
are out there? Wait for it, dude. I'm gonna drink

03:12:21.229 --> 03:12:24.690
to this. America's number one. Oh, he's still

03:12:24.690 --> 03:12:32.129
hot and young. Before Napster. Yeah, you should

03:12:32.129 --> 03:12:34.709
have shut the fuck up about now relax bro, you're

03:12:34.709 --> 03:12:38.770
a punk oh Shit, he's got the squat go. Oh my

03:12:38.770 --> 03:12:43.129
god. Look at this crowd Look at the crowd Wow

03:12:43.129 --> 03:12:58.159
fully loaded 2020 outdoor gig Oh my God. I'm

03:12:58.159 --> 03:13:00.840
ready to run through a fucking wall. His hair's

03:13:00.840 --> 03:13:03.500
shaking like a guy's dick. What happened to rock

03:13:03.500 --> 03:13:08.260
and roll? What do we got, Coldplay? Here we go.

03:13:12.600 --> 03:13:16.280
Pyrotechno shit. Get Joe a beer, for Christ's

03:13:16.280 --> 03:14:05.510
sake. Woo! Look at that fucking crowd! This is

03:14:05.510 --> 03:14:11.049
why YouTube's great. Yeah. The only concerts

03:14:11.049 --> 03:14:14.850
that come close is like Queen, Wembley, Queen.

03:14:15.149 --> 03:14:17.469
Wembley, Queen, obviously. Billy Joel in Russia

03:14:17.469 --> 03:14:19.790
when they're trying to tell him, like, stop people

03:14:19.790 --> 03:14:21.629
from dancing. And he goes, shut the fuck up!

03:14:21.670 --> 03:14:24.649
Stop! Billy Joel? Yeah, and he's like throwing

03:14:24.649 --> 03:14:27.469
his piano over. Stop bothering him. In Russia.

03:14:28.129 --> 03:14:32.670
Yeah, he won't do that now. Brittany Griner taught

03:14:32.670 --> 03:14:35.270
a lot of people a lesson about fucking around

03:14:35.270 --> 03:14:38.329
in Russia. He goes, stop! Stop shining a light

03:14:38.329 --> 03:14:46.250
on him! She did her time. Like a man. Yeah, Wembley,

03:14:46.250 --> 03:14:49.709
Queen. That's the biggest one. You know what

03:14:49.709 --> 03:14:55.319
the sickest one is? It's Axl Rose. I've been

03:14:55.319 --> 03:14:58.600
watching those. I get mad. I saw Axl Rose in

03:14:58.600 --> 03:15:02.799
Greece. I saw him in Athens. Yeah, I saw Guns

03:15:02.799 --> 03:15:06.739
N' Roses in Athens. Sick. I was there in a restaurant

03:15:06.739 --> 03:15:10.850
and I ran into Axl Rose. He was at a restaurant.

03:15:11.069 --> 03:15:13.389
Yeah. Damn. Just randomly. I was eating dinner.

03:15:13.530 --> 03:15:15.049
Axl Rose eating? Yeah. And a friend of mine,

03:15:15.090 --> 03:15:17.430
my friend Brian, Brian Murarescu, he saw him

03:15:17.430 --> 03:15:18.889
and he was like, Axl Rose is here. I tried to

03:15:18.889 --> 03:15:21.290
say hi to him. He's like, they should. And I'm

03:15:21.290 --> 03:15:23.959
like, damn, I wonder if Axl knows. who I am like

03:15:23.959 --> 03:15:27.059
should I go say hi and I had to walk by his table

03:15:27.059 --> 03:15:29.180
and I was a little drunk and I walked by his

03:15:29.180 --> 03:15:31.200
table and I was like hey man what's up and he

03:15:31.200 --> 03:15:32.940
had this look on his face and he was like oh

03:15:32.940 --> 03:15:35.760
hey what's up and I was like fuck he knows my

03:15:35.760 --> 03:15:38.200
name and so then we started talking he's like

03:15:38.200 --> 03:15:41.659
telling me bits that I did he knew yeah he watched

03:15:41.659 --> 03:15:43.819
some of my Netflix specials so he's like you

03:15:43.819 --> 03:15:45.540
wanna come to the show I was like fuck yeah I

03:15:45.540 --> 03:15:47.520
wanna come to the show and so the next night

03:15:47.520 --> 03:15:51.059
we saw Axl Rose and fucking Slash and Guns N'

03:15:51.100 --> 03:15:54.840
Roses We were backstage. Where? In Athens, in

03:15:54.840 --> 03:15:57.700
Greece. What year? Last year. You saw him at

03:15:57.700 --> 03:15:59.899
a restaurant. I saw him at a restaurant. Random.

03:15:59.899 --> 03:16:02.020
Welcome to the restaurant. Random. We got to

03:16:02.020 --> 03:16:04.420
have some drinks. We got to have some drinks.

03:16:04.479 --> 03:16:08.340
Just fucking fully random ran into him at a restaurant.

03:16:08.500 --> 03:16:10.069
You can order anything you want. I was there

03:16:10.069 --> 03:16:15.770
my whole family. I took my whole family to see

03:16:15.770 --> 03:16:19.809
Guns N' Roses. We had a great time, man. Did

03:16:19.809 --> 03:16:22.110
the daughters get it? Oh, they love it. My youngest

03:16:22.110 --> 03:16:25.299
is a fan of Guns N' Roses. So funny, all the

03:16:25.299 --> 03:16:28.379
hardcore rock becomes kids' music 20 years later.

03:16:28.399 --> 03:16:31.379
Isn't that weird? When I was in high school,

03:16:31.520 --> 03:16:34.379
everybody was into the Doors. I was in high school

03:16:34.379 --> 03:16:36.959
in the 80s, and the Doors were in the 60s. That's

03:16:36.959 --> 03:16:39.639
how it works. You find the cool shit. What was

03:16:39.639 --> 03:16:42.659
the cool shit back then? Everybody was into Zeppelin,

03:16:42.899 --> 03:16:47.840
the Doors, ACDC, 60s music. And cars. Nobody

03:16:47.840 --> 03:16:49.760
gave a fuck about... When I was in high school,

03:16:49.780 --> 03:16:52.719
nobody gave a fuck about a 1984 car. They wanted

03:16:52.719 --> 03:16:55.649
60s cars. That's true. You see a kid now, a Gen

03:16:55.649 --> 03:16:58.489
Z, he's got a Nirvana shirt on. 100%. Yeah. They

03:16:58.489 --> 03:17:00.489
don't know what it means. No. Dude, I remember

03:17:00.489 --> 03:17:02.850
the first time I heard Nirvana. There was a kid

03:17:02.850 --> 03:17:04.809
that lived in my neighborhood that used to steal

03:17:04.809 --> 03:17:07.209
car radios. And I was buying a car radio from

03:17:07.209 --> 03:17:10.850
him. Nice. It was back when they had those Blanc

03:17:10.850 --> 03:17:13.149
Punk stereos that would, like, pull out. Oh,

03:17:13.170 --> 03:17:15.409
yeah. Yeah, I remember those stolen. Really?

03:17:15.510 --> 03:17:17.790
So I bought a stolen one, and I installed it

03:17:17.790 --> 03:17:19.590
myself. Oh, you did the wires? That's how we

03:17:19.590 --> 03:17:22.510
got connected. And so I had my stereo for four

03:17:22.510 --> 03:17:27.040
years. I was over this dude's house with my friend

03:17:27.040 --> 03:17:28.600
Jimmy, and he's like, you've got to listen to

03:17:28.600 --> 03:17:30.620
this, man. Listen to this shit. This is the new

03:17:30.620 --> 03:17:33.559
shit. It was Nirvana. And we were in his house.

03:17:33.559 --> 03:17:36.280
We were like, whoa. Damn. It was a different

03:17:36.280 --> 03:17:41.360
sound. It was grunge. What is this? And it killed

03:17:41.360 --> 03:17:45.620
hair bands. Killed them. Like poison. And then

03:17:45.620 --> 03:17:50.239
Cordy Love killed him. It poisoned. Poison, poison.

03:17:51.459 --> 03:17:54.739
Allegedly, she did that. Say allegedly. Allegedly.

03:17:54.959 --> 03:17:56.440
Allegedly. It's really important. You ever see

03:17:56.440 --> 03:17:59.180
that documentary? Yeah, yeah. She allegedly definitely

03:17:59.180 --> 03:18:02.319
did it. She killed him. Allegedly. What is this?

03:18:03.260 --> 03:18:05.299
What is this? Libra Redding. Libra Redding was

03:18:05.299 --> 03:18:07.840
great. 1992. Yeah. One of the most epic concerts

03:18:07.840 --> 03:18:09.399
of all time, apparently. Really? You guys are

03:18:09.399 --> 03:18:14.309
fucking me in the ass. Pull it up. I remember

03:18:14.309 --> 03:18:16.290
the first time I heard that, I was like, holy

03:18:16.290 --> 03:18:18.229
shit. Yeah, like, what the fuck? They were so

03:18:18.229 --> 03:18:19.670
different. They were so cool. It was the real

03:18:19.670 --> 03:18:21.790
deal. He fucked a retard in high school. Yeah,

03:18:21.790 --> 03:18:24.510
they made that documentary on HBO about it. He

03:18:24.510 --> 03:18:26.069
goes, no, but she was cool, though. That's unfortunate.

03:18:26.489 --> 03:18:29.649
I fucked a retard. No documentary about me. Oh,

03:18:29.649 --> 03:18:33.250
Mark. It was his last night. It will be after

03:18:33.250 --> 03:18:37.430
this. It was a different sound. Yeah, it was

03:18:37.430 --> 03:18:40.090
a totally different sound. No, no, no, no. I

03:18:40.090 --> 03:18:45.200
love this. Do we do this all the time? Great

03:18:45.200 --> 03:18:48.360
head. She had a big head. Great head. Oh, Jesus.

03:18:50.079 --> 03:18:53.559
There's times in history where new sounds emerge.

03:18:53.780 --> 03:18:57.120
And usually it's because of drugs. Or somebody

03:18:57.120 --> 03:19:01.200
went back to the future. Ooh. This is the sound.

03:19:01.819 --> 03:19:05.959
Like Hendrix. When I work with Phil Hartman,

03:19:06.079 --> 03:19:10.979
Phil Hartman was a... Cleaning pools? No. He

03:19:10.979 --> 03:19:13.040
used to work at Whiskey of Go -Go when he was

03:19:13.040 --> 03:19:15.799
like 18 years old. What? Get out of here. Phil

03:19:15.799 --> 03:19:20.200
was in charge of making sure that the speakers

03:19:20.200 --> 03:19:23.420
didn't fall off the stage. What? So Hendrix,

03:19:23.420 --> 03:19:26.340
Whiskey had a little stage. And Hendrix was on

03:19:26.340 --> 03:19:29.340
stage, and Phil's job when he was 18 years old

03:19:29.340 --> 03:19:32.040
was to stand there and keep his hands up in case

03:19:32.040 --> 03:19:34.379
someone went crazy and kicked the speaker and

03:19:34.379 --> 03:19:36.879
didn't fall into the crowd. What? So Phil's job

03:19:36.879 --> 03:19:39.940
was to stand on the edge of the stage, like right

03:19:39.940 --> 03:19:42.040
there, and he said, and fucking Hendrix was right

03:19:42.040 --> 03:19:48.959
above me. So this is like 1969. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.

03:19:49.159 --> 03:19:52.120
And he was like mesmerized. And I remember he

03:19:52.120 --> 03:19:53.760
was smoking pot. This was back when I didn't

03:19:53.760 --> 03:19:56.319
even smoke weed. He was smoking pot in the green

03:19:56.319 --> 03:19:58.840
room, or in his dressing room, rather, at News

03:19:58.840 --> 03:20:00.799
Radio. Wow. And he would tell me these stories.

03:20:01.000 --> 03:20:03.399
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He smoked? Oh, yeah, he loved

03:20:03.399 --> 03:20:05.319
to smoke weed. Wow. He would smoke weed and go

03:20:05.319 --> 03:20:08.120
to strip clubs. Wow. What? Phil asked Hartman?

03:20:08.200 --> 03:20:10.700
Yeah, Phil Hartman took me to a strip club, and

03:20:10.700 --> 03:20:13.319
he smoked weed, and he would treat the ladies

03:20:13.319 --> 03:20:16.520
as if they were displaying amazing works of art.

03:20:16.559 --> 03:20:20.700
Like, incredible. Amazing. This is amazing. I

03:20:20.700 --> 03:20:22.780
think that would fuck me up. He was so happy.

03:20:22.860 --> 03:20:24.440
If a dude next to me, I don't like when a dude

03:20:24.440 --> 03:20:25.979
next to me is horny. I don't like when a dude

03:20:25.979 --> 03:20:27.860
is next to me at all. It was so innocent. I know,

03:20:27.860 --> 03:20:30.040
but I'm saying if a dude was like, wow. If you

03:20:30.040 --> 03:20:32.799
knew that guy, if you knew him, it wouldn't bug

03:20:32.799 --> 03:20:33.840
you. That's worse than being horny. If you knew

03:20:33.840 --> 03:20:35.500
him, it wouldn't bug you. But he told me the

03:20:35.500 --> 03:20:37.260
story about him. He's 18 years old, and he's

03:20:37.260 --> 03:20:40.280
working at the Whiskey. Hendrix was on stage

03:20:40.280 --> 03:20:42.920
in front of him. He's like, I was watching Hendrix

03:20:42.920 --> 03:20:47.750
from like four feet away. Damn. Yeah. And just

03:20:47.750 --> 03:20:51.829
standing. And this is like Hendrix when he emerged.

03:20:52.209 --> 03:20:54.389
Like all of a sudden there's like this. You think

03:20:54.389 --> 03:20:57.909
like Nirvana was a new sound? We went from Buddy

03:20:57.909 --> 03:21:01.190
Holly. Love, love me do. Like all that shit.

03:21:01.229 --> 03:21:03.489
That's Beatles. To Voodoo Child. Like whatever.

03:21:03.750 --> 03:21:05.709
You know, Peggy Sue. I hear you. Peggy Sue. Are

03:21:05.709 --> 03:21:08.350
you a fucking YouTube comment? You knew I knew

03:21:08.350 --> 03:21:13.549
Peggy Sue. My Peggy Sue. You went from that to

03:21:13.549 --> 03:21:15.959
Voodoo Child. Yeah. And it was bizarre. Bizarre.

03:21:16.219 --> 03:21:19.299
It's a big jump. Take rock and roll, add drugs,

03:21:19.420 --> 03:21:23.159
move. But people that were like rock stars would

03:21:23.159 --> 03:21:25.940
go to see him. Eric Clapton went to see him and

03:21:25.940 --> 03:21:28.360
was like, what am I doing? Right. What the fuck

03:21:28.360 --> 03:21:30.940
am I doing? Look at this guy. It's like a kinesin.

03:21:31.200 --> 03:21:34.200
Yeah. Everyone's doing Cosby and then this fat.

03:21:34.819 --> 03:21:37.819
Preacher shows up. Yeah. Kennison, a young comedian

03:21:37.819 --> 03:21:40.979
special, it was like Bob, whatever. Saget? No,

03:21:41.079 --> 03:21:43.540
some guy with big shoulder pads. He would put

03:21:43.540 --> 03:21:45.260
balloons in his arm. This is a football player.

03:21:45.260 --> 03:21:47.579
Bob Nelson. Bob Nelson. He's like, oh. And then

03:21:47.579 --> 03:21:50.120
Saget was on there. And then Kennison was like,

03:21:50.180 --> 03:21:52.360
hey, I'm about to change everything now with

03:21:52.360 --> 03:21:54.959
these six minutes. Yep. And just be real. And

03:21:54.959 --> 03:21:58.379
then Dice sold out the garden. Yep. Yep. Yeah,

03:21:58.399 --> 03:22:00.239
those guys. Those two guys. And they hated each

03:22:00.239 --> 03:22:02.579
other, which is crazy. Really? Yeah. That's alpha

03:22:02.579 --> 03:22:06.540
ego shit. I know. So stupid. It happens. But

03:22:06.540 --> 03:22:09.659
back then, everybody was so scared. It was all

03:22:09.659 --> 03:22:12.180
dog eat dog. There could only be one. It was

03:22:12.180 --> 03:22:13.760
all like, you have to get on the Tonight Show.

03:22:14.219 --> 03:22:16.340
There's no internet. Yeah. And also, there was

03:22:16.340 --> 03:22:20.440
no arena comics. They didn't exist. Steve Martin

03:22:20.440 --> 03:22:22.819
got in there, then got out. He kind of, yeah.

03:22:22.819 --> 03:22:24.920
Me and Nate went over to Spade's house for an

03:22:24.920 --> 03:22:28.069
NCAA championship game. football game and we

03:22:28.069 --> 03:22:29.969
were looking, he's got like a museum of his stuff

03:22:29.969 --> 03:22:32.030
and it was him and Rock doing Evening at the

03:22:32.030 --> 03:22:34.750
Improv. Wow. And Nate was like, you did improvs

03:22:34.750 --> 03:22:37.559
back then? And he was like, dude. No one did

03:22:37.559 --> 03:22:39.860
theaters then. That wasn't even an idea. You

03:22:39.860 --> 03:22:42.219
would do six days in an improv instead of two.

03:22:42.340 --> 03:22:44.819
Yeah. If you were successful. It wasn't even

03:22:44.819 --> 03:22:46.840
a thought that you could do it. I think Dane

03:22:46.840 --> 03:22:49.059
was the first guy that did like arenas regularly.

03:22:49.340 --> 03:22:52.700
Really? Yeah. Well, maybe Dice. No, Dice. Dice

03:22:52.700 --> 03:22:54.920
for sure. Dice for sure. But nobody for 25 years.

03:22:55.100 --> 03:22:57.180
But nobody for a while. And then Dane came along

03:22:57.180 --> 03:22:58.959
and then Dane started doing arenas. When was

03:22:58.959 --> 03:23:02.020
Blue Collar? That changed it up too. That was

03:23:02.020 --> 03:23:05.100
a little bit after that. And Kings of Comedy.

03:23:05.280 --> 03:23:09.100
And Ron White just emerged from that. Yes. Like

03:23:09.100 --> 03:23:11.459
a phoenix. When Ron White goes on stage at the

03:23:11.459 --> 03:23:13.520
fucking Mothership in Austin, Texas, they know

03:23:13.520 --> 03:23:17.159
he's from Texas. People go fucking crazy. But

03:23:17.159 --> 03:23:19.860
it's also like he's not. resting on that. He's

03:23:19.860 --> 03:23:22.280
part of the reason why I'm here, man. Really?

03:23:22.559 --> 03:23:24.500
Yeah, because when Ron told me about, he moved

03:23:24.500 --> 03:23:28.479
here in like 2017. Damn. And I'd call him up

03:23:28.479 --> 03:23:29.979
and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? He's

03:23:29.979 --> 03:23:32.239
like, well, man, I fucking love it here. I don't

03:23:32.239 --> 03:23:34.620
have to travel. I can fucking fly. When I fly,

03:23:34.780 --> 03:23:36.959
it's like the middle of the country. It's great.

03:23:37.100 --> 03:23:39.319
People are nice. Food's amazing. And I was like,

03:23:39.319 --> 03:23:40.819
shit. And I started thinking, like, maybe I can

03:23:40.819 --> 03:23:43.159
live in Texas. I was like, no. You gotta rethink,

03:23:43.280 --> 03:23:46.500
like, I have to be in LA. Yeah, well, I was at

03:23:46.500 --> 03:23:48.979
back then, like the podcast was the only thing

03:23:48.979 --> 03:23:50.500
that I'd ever done that was really like taken

03:23:50.500 --> 03:23:53.379
off. I was like, I can't move. I have to stay

03:23:53.379 --> 03:23:54.920
here. That's crazy. I need my guests. You were

03:23:54.920 --> 03:23:55.899
relying on your podcast. Yeah, you need your

03:23:55.899 --> 03:23:56.979
guests. You need your guests, but they'll come

03:23:56.979 --> 03:23:59.209
to you. It was like weird. It was like. This

03:23:59.209 --> 03:24:00.729
is this thing that I'm doing that all of a sudden

03:24:00.729 --> 03:24:04.389
is popular. And I never thought it was going

03:24:04.389 --> 03:24:06.090
to be. It's just like all of a sudden it happened.

03:24:06.430 --> 03:24:08.670
It wasn't a plan at all. Like, Ari was there

03:24:08.670 --> 03:24:10.790
in the beginning. We opened up a laptop with

03:24:10.790 --> 03:24:14.229
a fucking webcam and like, get in here. Get closer

03:24:14.229 --> 03:24:16.409
because we won't be on camera otherwise. And

03:24:16.409 --> 03:24:18.590
the whole thing was just for fun. But it was

03:24:18.590 --> 03:24:20.270
almost like I felt like a magnet was pulling.

03:24:20.270 --> 03:24:22.170
600 people are watching. That's so fucking cool.

03:24:22.549 --> 03:24:24.309
Then you got to get rid of the red band. It was

03:24:24.309 --> 03:24:27.389
like 1 ,000 people, 2 ,000 people, and then it

03:24:27.389 --> 03:24:30.319
was just streaming. And then I remember I was

03:24:30.319 --> 03:24:32.840
on stage at the Chicago Theater. This was like

03:24:32.840 --> 03:24:35.379
years later. And I still didn't understand how

03:24:35.379 --> 03:24:36.920
many people watched because I never looked at

03:24:36.920 --> 03:24:38.579
the numbers. I was like, I don't want to look

03:24:38.579 --> 03:24:41.120
at the numbers. I just want to do it, do my best.

03:24:41.340 --> 03:24:43.639
That's it. I'm on stage at the Chicago Theater,

03:24:43.680 --> 03:24:46.280
and it's sold out. It's like 3 ,700 people. So

03:24:46.280 --> 03:24:48.379
I was telling this story. I go, how many of you

03:24:48.379 --> 03:24:49.799
guys listen to the podcast? And it just went,

03:24:49.860 --> 03:24:54.670
yeah! And I'll never forget that day. I was like,

03:24:54.750 --> 03:24:59.930
whoa. What year was that? 2011. Yeah. Somewhere

03:24:59.930 --> 03:25:02.750
around then, I was like, oh, shit. That's wild.

03:25:02.870 --> 03:25:06.010
I was like, this is crazy. And then I started

03:25:06.010 --> 03:25:08.829
realizing, what am I doing? Yeah, keep going.

03:25:08.989 --> 03:25:11.370
Keep going. Let's get a table. Don't ever ask.

03:25:11.469 --> 03:25:14.809
Just keep going. Yeah, I didn't ask. Just keep

03:25:14.809 --> 03:25:16.670
going. I didn't know that story. That's great.

03:25:16.850 --> 03:25:19.069
It was a weird story. Because the whole time

03:25:19.069 --> 03:25:20.530
when we first started doing it. We had microphones.

03:25:21.469 --> 03:25:22.670
Yeah, we had microphones at the beginning. We

03:25:22.670 --> 03:25:24.190
did the very beginning? We had one microphone

03:25:24.190 --> 03:25:25.549
that would sit on the table. Oh, yeah, a ball

03:25:25.549 --> 03:25:28.190
mic. Yeah, and then eventually we got microphones.

03:25:28.450 --> 03:25:29.950
And then we eventually moved it into one of my

03:25:29.950 --> 03:25:32.909
spare bedrooms. And then eventually I said, okay,

03:25:32.969 --> 03:25:34.489
too many weird, like, people are coming to my

03:25:34.489 --> 03:25:36.090
house. I'm like, this can't be happening anymore.

03:25:36.090 --> 03:25:37.569
Oh, I remember that. You're like, too many porn

03:25:37.569 --> 03:25:40.889
stars around my kids. Weirdos. Too many weirdos.

03:25:40.889 --> 03:25:43.690
We got to do this at some kind of a place. Yeah,

03:25:43.690 --> 03:25:45.850
you're like, wait, you're buying a separate place

03:25:45.850 --> 03:25:48.950
to do this thing? I know. I remember people telling

03:25:48.950 --> 03:25:50.530
me, why are you spending money on this? I'm like.

03:25:50.989 --> 03:25:53.049
why do you care what I'm spending money on? Yeah.

03:25:53.049 --> 03:25:54.690
What the fuck kind of question is this? Yeah.

03:25:54.790 --> 03:25:58.069
And there was no future in it. Everybody was

03:25:58.069 --> 03:25:59.989
like, you're wasting your time. It wasn't even

03:25:59.989 --> 03:26:03.469
like, it's like there was no money in it. No

03:26:03.469 --> 03:26:05.049
money. There was no money to be had. There was

03:26:05.049 --> 03:26:06.930
not an advertiser. There wasn't a thought that

03:26:06.930 --> 03:26:09.370
we could get one. So what was it? What kept driving

03:26:09.370 --> 03:26:11.670
you? It was fun. It was fun. But it was also

03:26:11.670 --> 03:26:13.569
like a magnet. I really believe there's a magnet.

03:26:13.629 --> 03:26:16.309
I think that sometimes fate pulls you into a

03:26:16.309 --> 03:26:17.850
certain direction. I used to think that's horseshit.

03:26:18.670 --> 03:26:20.069
But I think there might be a little bit of something

03:26:20.069 --> 03:26:23.030
to that now. Like, maybe you can say that after

03:26:23.030 --> 03:26:25.069
you've done it and it's become successful. Always

03:26:25.069 --> 03:26:27.760
fate. But I don't know, man. Well, I've gone

03:26:27.760 --> 03:26:30.000
back because they're all still there. Listen

03:26:30.000 --> 03:26:31.940
to the old ones. And they're old as shit. And

03:26:31.940 --> 03:26:34.700
you get like a Bill Burr. And you guys are connecting

03:26:34.700 --> 03:26:37.479
on another level. It's weird because it's not

03:26:37.479 --> 03:26:39.459
about like, oh, there's a million people listening.

03:26:39.579 --> 03:26:42.200
It just felt like a conversation. And it still

03:26:42.200 --> 03:26:44.159
does. But that's the thing. It's like if you

03:26:44.159 --> 03:26:46.479
can just keep that and never pay attention to

03:26:46.479 --> 03:26:48.079
how many people are listening. But there wasn't

03:26:48.079 --> 03:26:49.860
even an inkling of like, oh, wait, hold on. I'm

03:26:49.860 --> 03:26:51.399
not sure if this is true about Doug Stanhope.

03:26:51.579 --> 03:26:53.440
Let me make sure. It'd be like, I don't know.

03:26:53.459 --> 03:26:54.799
Let's just say it. No, we would just say it.

03:26:55.239 --> 03:26:57.049
It's us talking and talking. 12 people listening.

03:26:57.090 --> 03:26:58.569
And again, like half the times when you're talking,

03:26:58.629 --> 03:26:59.850
you don't even know what you're saying while

03:26:59.850 --> 03:27:01.350
you're saying it. Like, okay, I gotta figure

03:27:01.350 --> 03:27:03.430
this out. Like, make this sound like a real sentence.

03:27:03.610 --> 03:27:06.430
Yeah. We had no experience. And then Ari was

03:27:06.430 --> 03:27:08.149
always telling me how to edit it. Yeah, right.

03:27:10.040 --> 03:27:12.139
You should make it less than an hour. Nobody

03:27:12.139 --> 03:27:17.059
wants to watch. I was incorrect. That was a big

03:27:17.059 --> 03:27:18.760
moment. It's got to be three minutes or less.

03:27:19.059 --> 03:27:22.159
That was the thing back then. People didn't think

03:27:22.159 --> 03:27:24.559
that anybody had an attention span. They're like,

03:27:24.659 --> 03:27:26.219
this is the way it goes. And then I'm like, okay,

03:27:26.379 --> 03:27:29.750
don't listen. I'm just so stubborn. But you're

03:27:29.750 --> 03:27:31.229
also like, well, they can just stop in an hour.

03:27:31.370 --> 03:27:33.569
Yeah. But I was always just so stubborn. I was

03:27:33.569 --> 03:27:36.129
like, every time anybody's told me to do something

03:27:36.129 --> 03:27:37.690
different than my instincts, it's always been

03:27:37.690 --> 03:27:39.889
wrong. So I'm just going to not listen to anybody

03:27:39.889 --> 03:27:42.430
ever. We do it before, in between shows. And

03:27:42.430 --> 03:27:46.450
then like, hey, I got to go on. Joey and Rogan

03:27:46.450 --> 03:27:48.309
keep going. And then I get off. Joey goes on.

03:27:48.389 --> 03:27:51.030
Now me and Rogan are going. The Ice House. Yeah,

03:27:51.090 --> 03:27:54.110
and Cobbs, upstairs at Cobbs. And then Rogan

03:27:54.110 --> 03:27:55.430
would go on and me and Joey would do it for a

03:27:55.430 --> 03:27:58.309
while. We did podcasts on a plane. How many podcasts

03:27:58.309 --> 03:28:00.969
on a plane? We did podcasts on a plane. We swapped

03:28:00.969 --> 03:28:02.709
casts. Yeah, we swapped casts. And we did it

03:28:02.709 --> 03:28:04.989
with an iPhone. We did it with an iPhone. Just

03:28:04.989 --> 03:28:07.930
recorded with the audio only. And then, god damn,

03:28:08.090 --> 03:28:10.729
the people around us were like, lower your voices.

03:28:11.930 --> 03:28:14.829
What are you doing? We brought the stewardess

03:28:14.829 --> 03:28:16.969
in. The stewardess would come and talk to us.

03:28:16.989 --> 03:28:18.569
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of times. One of my

03:28:18.569 --> 03:28:20.270
biggest regrets is not asking her if she's ever

03:28:20.270 --> 03:28:22.850
seen someone fuck in a bathroom. Wow. How rude.

03:28:22.969 --> 03:28:25.149
I should have asked her, at least. Has anybody

03:28:25.149 --> 03:28:27.790
joined the Mile High Club? Yeah. But we would,

03:28:27.790 --> 03:28:30.049
like, no one knew what the fuck it was. It's

03:28:30.049 --> 03:28:31.649
still outlaw. It's like, oh, let's just do it

03:28:31.649 --> 03:28:33.430
here. When we said it was a podcast, they were

03:28:33.430 --> 03:28:35.469
like. What does that mean? What is that? Nobody

03:28:35.469 --> 03:28:38.159
knew what it was. That would piss me off. If

03:28:38.159 --> 03:28:41.120
I was on a plane and two dudes were like... Because

03:28:41.120 --> 03:28:43.319
we weren't like a regular conversation. Like,

03:28:43.399 --> 03:28:44.799
hey, so what are we doing later? It was like,

03:28:44.840 --> 03:28:48.780
so I was at Doug Stanhope's house. Why did he

03:28:48.780 --> 03:28:51.440
do that? I thought this was a private jet. No

03:28:51.440 --> 03:28:54.079
way. This would piss me off so much. No, no,

03:28:54.079 --> 03:28:55.559
no. We were sitting in first class. We did one

03:28:55.559 --> 03:28:57.360
on the way. We did one on the regular. Then we

03:28:57.360 --> 03:28:58.879
did one on the way to Australia. It's not a private

03:28:58.879 --> 03:29:00.639
jet. It's a bunch of people. We did one on the

03:29:00.639 --> 03:29:03.059
way to Australia. And I opened up a box of fucking

03:29:03.059 --> 03:29:06.340
muffins, of marijuana muffins. Allegedly. Allegedly.

03:29:06.379 --> 03:29:09.760
opened it up and it the whole first class was

03:29:09.760 --> 03:29:12.620
filled with the smell of weed and Joe's like

03:29:12.620 --> 03:29:15.329
what the fuck Get that out of here! Hey, bro,

03:29:15.450 --> 03:29:19.590
you're going to go to jail forever. How did you

03:29:19.590 --> 03:29:22.850
do this? No repercussions. It didn't really happen.

03:29:22.950 --> 03:29:24.329
That's why. It didn't really happen because allegedly.

03:29:24.350 --> 03:29:26.090
One of the beautiful things about podcasts is

03:29:26.090 --> 03:29:27.969
a lot of times we lie. There's a lot of allegedlys.

03:29:27.969 --> 03:29:29.829
There's a lot of allegedlys involved. A lot of

03:29:29.829 --> 03:29:33.610
theatrical. We're comedians. We're joking. It's

03:29:33.610 --> 03:29:35.950
like literature. It's fiction. It's a lot of

03:29:35.950 --> 03:29:38.450
fun. I got to piss. So let's end this. I beat

03:29:38.450 --> 03:29:40.790
you on the piss. I love you guys. I love you

03:29:40.790 --> 03:29:42.309
guys to death. Norman beat you on the piss? Yeah,

03:29:42.309 --> 03:29:44.309
yeah, yeah. I love you guys to death. You're

03:29:44.309 --> 03:29:47.149
the best. Protect our parks to save the world.

03:29:47.309 --> 03:29:52.930
We love you always. God bless America. Go see

03:29:52.930 --> 03:29:53.370
Queen live.