Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan
experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast by
night. All day. Hell yeah. We're back. Let's
go. So much shit to talk about. You see that
wild shit that's going on in Scotland where they're
targeting comedians for hate crime laws? Still?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Count Dracula?
Count Dracula? Well, yeah, that was the same
place with that guy, Dankula, right? Count Dankula?
Yeah. Dankula. Sounds like a weed head. Do you
remember that one? No. He got in trouble for
making his dog do a Hitler. He trained his dog
to go how little they were just doing to fuck
with his girlfriend. German Shepherd. You got
in trouble for that? No, it was a little pug.
Yeah, he got by the law. It was a cute little
pug. Pull it up. Bro, I think he got arrested.
I've done that in my whole life. They brought
him to fucking jail. You get in trouble for that?
I do that every time I see a dog. I did it with
my friend's kid. Yeah, he pushed his elbow and
he does it. Oh, really? Scotland, we won't target
comedians under new hate crime law. That's what
you say now. But stand -up shows still come under
its scope. Hmm. Jesus Christ, Scotland, you have
one of the biggest fucking comedy festivals on
Earth. That's true. Every year. It's a huge comedy
festival. But they're pretty queefy over there.
They'll cancel the show quick. They will be.
They'll queef it up. But this is so queefy. Hate
crime. Age, disability, religion, sexual orientation.
Fuck my whole act. Yeah, everyone's whole act.
I was going to say Mara's whole act. Stirring
up hatred on certain grounds. It's everybody's
act. Sexual orientation, yeah. What? These are
just things that exist. You've got to talk about
age. This is so ridiculous. Wow, Scotland got
weird. Is that a real thing? No way. The training
material is based on Scottish government's explanatory
notes, which accompany the legislation. This
included examples of a range of scenarios where
offenses might take place, but this does not
mean officers have been told to target these
situations or locations. But they can if they
want. Yeah, but if they can if they want. Dude,
the mugshots from this are going to be hilarious.
This is so scary. I'm like hamming it up. I'm
getting arrested for an AIDS joke. What's been
explained to me by my friends in the UK, specifically
Francis Foster from Trigonometry. He's awesome.
He was telling me that this government is like
on the way out and that they're out of their
fucking mind. They're just doing shit to like
try. Every fucking generation goes this way and
then that way. This way and they go too far left
and they go too far right. And so these fucking
kooks have decided they're going to... Target
people and put them in jail. Did you hear what
happened in Belgium? The dude got a year in jail
for memes that were shared. Memes that they shared
in a private chat. What? Yes. Oh, no. They gave
him a year. We saw the memes. The memes are nothing.
Wait, we saw the memes? Yeah, you can see the
memes. The memes are online. They're not that
funny? No. One of them was like a Hitler one
that was like anti -Hitler. It was like an anti
-Nazi meme. And this was one of the ones that
was cited as being one of the offenses. It's
in a fucking private chat. Imagine if I protect
our hearts. Before the show started, the conversation
was cut out. We should delete our data right
now. I think we probably should. We should have
a mass delete. 3, 2, 1, go. Turn the keys. Yeah.
The podcast alone. Yeah, this is worse than the
group chat. By the end of this episode, it'll
be worse than... You think? That's how it always
goes. You gotta see this... Look at this kid
falling. I don't remember most of the back half.
You gotta see this Belgium story and realize
this fucking dumb shit is happening in 2024 with
the internet. 2024. And you're going after people's
phones and their private group chat. Private
chat? Well, if everyone's private shit got leaked,
we'd all be... But they go to jail for it, too?
Here's the thing. How far are we from being able
to listen to anybody talk at any time? The government
can already do it. How far is, like, everybody
from being able to do that and everybody assuming
that everything you say all the time is being
recorded? Oh, yeah. You know how fucked we're
going to be if that happens? Well, it's good.
You got Alexa in your house. Your phone hears
everything. Yeah, but it's also, it's like, if
it was actionable. Like if you start talking
about things, like say if you're talking about
some kind of medication that you can't use or
some new law that they're going to pass that's
going to fuck up free speech, whatever it is.
If you're talking about that and then all of
a sudden cops show up, if you're like, I want
to kill these motherfuckers. Because people say
that shit. You get around a guy and he's drunk
and he makes $50 ,000 a year and he sees where
his tax money is going to and he can barely get
by and he's fucking hammering, I want to fucking
kill Nancy Pelosi. They get crazy. People get
crazy. It doesn't mean they're actually going
to do it. He's just getting drunk. It's just
drunk talk. Other than that guy. Put that hammer
down and listen to me. He goes, nope. That real
go -getter. Yeah. That guy was like, nope. What
a wild moment where he looks and sees the cops.
He's like. I guess it's now. How crazy is Paul
Pelosi that he only had one hand on the dude
because his other hand was on his drink? Yeah.
How much faith did he have that he can get away
with things? Well, they knew each other, clearly.
They knew each other. Do you think so? Oh, yeah.
The guy broke into the house with a hammer. Seems
like Paul was trying to keep it. Yeah, I don't
think they knew each other. No, I think that
was the rumor that he was a gay lover. That's
what I heard. Yeah, no, no, no, no. There's a
video of the guy using the hammer he hit him
in the fucking head with to break into the house.
Like, he's banging on the back door. That sounds
like ex -girlfriend shit, though. Exactly. Does
it, though? It's like, I think it's a schizophrenic
in your house with a hammer. He was like, you
said you wouldn't embarrass me. It's a gay quarrel.
Maybe she sent someone in to whack him. Maybe
she thought about half of that $200 million she
stole. And she's like, you know what? This is
a horrible video, man. I hate this video. I was
like, come on over. Because look at him. He's
not even looking. And this guy's got a fucking
hammer. And he's got his hand on the hammer.
And then the guy breaks the hammer loose and
just bangs him in the head. Jesus. A bunch of
times. And no, he hit him more than once, I think.
When he went down, he hit him again. But the
thing is, like, he's snoring. Now, when you're
that old and you get knocked the fuck out like
that, that is really bad. I mean, he might not
ever be the same again. He got hit in the head
with a fucking metal hammer. Still holding the
drink, though. You're right. Bro, it's crazy
he only had one hand on that hammer. Yeah. That
is so nuts. It's his superiority. His confidence
that he has that everything's going to be fine.
What's his night shirt? That's a big guy, too.
Big crazy looking motherfucker who just broke
into your house and he has a hammer. He'll be
on Kill Tony soon. He thought that he was going
to keep that guy chill until the cops got there.
And once the cops got there, he was going to
keep him chill. Then they were just going to
arrest that guy. He's like leading him forward,
too. He's like, come on, come on. You can't let
a guy turn your hand that way, stupid. You're
against your thumb now. If someone's grabbing
something and trying to take it from you, look,
always have something this way. Wait, that's
the... Yeah, this is the guy breaking into the
house. He's so calm. I know. He's a fucking psychopath.
I love it. He's so calm. So he pulls out a hammer.
Look, he's got like a sleeping bag. He's a fucking
crazy homeless dude. Wow, he got in there pretty
easy. Do you think he had any idea it was a Pelosi's?
Is that what we're saying? How does this guy
not have time? Top -notch security. I know. How
are you so confident that you could just sleep
in that house? Yeah, he could be. In your crime
-infested city. That is so crazy. I mean, that
city is infested with crime. He's so calm. He
looks like the comic book guy. He's totally got
a plan. And he's also confident no one has a
gun. I like how he pulls out carefully all his
tools, and then the plan is smash it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. You still can't get in. So he bashes
through this fucking door, which took a while.
It made a lot of noise. Pelosi's pretty calm.
I would be freaking out. The guy broke the door
with a hammer. Good point. Maybe we missed a
whole chunk where the guy just runs up to him
and blows him. Maybe he broke in. This was the
fantasy. The fantasy was like, and then Pelosi's
like, I'm not paying you. The cops are here.
But you broke my door. Exactly. And then he hits
him with a hammer. Maybe we're missing context.
Thank God you're here. Bro, that's a horrific
video to watch, though. I won't listen to it.
It's horrible. It's a clunk. It's a horrible
thud and then the snoring. Regardless of what
you think about them stealing money, that's terrible.
That's just terrible. They definitely stole a
lot of money. I follow her stock tips. That stock
tip thing. I say stole money. What I should be
saying is engaged in insider trading that's legal.
There you go. And it's just nuts that it's legal.
It's nuts that they can pass laws and they know
the laws are coming and then they buy up stock
and then they get paid. Yeah, but they can't
be stopped. Who's going to stop them? They would
have to stop them. Other than a hero with a hammer.
Other than one heroic schizophrenic. I mean,
how do you stop them? Bro. They make the rules.
That's got to be a weird feeling to know that
everybody knows that you got all your money by
being a corrupt politician and you're just wandering
around. Yeah. It's like, what are you going to
do about it? Yeah, what are you going to do about
it? Listen, the companies needed. Financial support,
we supported them, and we were rewarded for that.
That's also why they probably need to keep making
money. Like, they need security. lots more and
more security. Higgins going wild. He did so
good. Isn't it funny that Pelosi only gets the
blunt of it? Everybody else is doing it too.
She's the Speaker of the House. Right, she's
the Speaker of the House. Who's Higgins? Who's
Spy? What does this mean? Spy is like the S &P
500. Hold on, but isn't this based on the percentage
of their returns? So maybe Higgins is a new guy
that just is in there getting... Really rich.
Pelosi's getting... Right, but he's going after
it hard. He's going wild. This is like the guy
wearing the coat in Goodfellas. Yes! You dumbass.
The Cadillac. He pulls up with the Cadillac.
I said take it easy. Take it back. Take the Cadillac
back. Chill out. I'm only here for one term.
I'm going to get mine. Bro, that was such a good
scene. Such a good scene in Goodfellas. You realize
they have to kill that guy because he's got a
Cadillac. Get your shine box. No, no, no. That
was a different one. In his defense, he said
it lacks context. Insider trading. Viral post
leads to claims of insider trading. He says it
lacks context. What's the context? Those numbers
provide a distorted view of the facts. Oh, okay.
Tell me more. I like that. He talked it. Tell
me more, sir. What does it say? Higgins argument
is our argument. See what his statement is? It's
out of context. Right. It's funny that he has
to. Here it goes. These numbers provide a distorted
view of the facts that a spokesperson for Higgins,
even better move, use a spokesperson. In a statement
to 7 News, the truth is Congressman Higgins has
minimal investments and holdings. In 2023, one
position, which he had held for years and is
held by millions of other people, performed well.
Rep Higgins follows all ethics and financial
reporting requirements. Relatively speaking,
he is always ranked amongst the most modest income
earners in Congress. Oh, it said he had less
than $100 ,000 in the stocks. So when he went
up 80 grand, it was like, that's massive. It's
like the Pistons winning two games in a row.
Also. If he has minimal investments and holdings,
he just gets lucky, and he's got one of them.
It's like NVIDIA. NVIDIA is a common one to hold.
He goes, I've had it for years. It doubled. It
definitely jumped up when Nancy Pelosi fucking
passed them bills. Hey, Nancy, you know anything
about NVIDIA? Anything chance that I could do
better? I got a lot of money to pay for this.
You got to admire it because it's in front of
everybody. What do they care? I mean, she banged
Kennedy. Did she? Pull that photo up. Pelosi?
Yeah, she was super young and hot. No. Are you
sure she banged him or did she just knew him?
Well, I think if you're in Kennedy's orbit, you're
blowing him. You kind of want to and have to.
Minimum. That's true. Minimum? I think that's
pretty standard. Minimum. Isn't it funny that
everybody considers him like our greatest of
all time president? Hey, look at the young cans.
217. 217. Pelosi. Wow. She's 17, Mark. You sex
pervert. Oh, is that right? Do you think? Well,
that was legal. She's still older than us. Do
you really think JFK was banging 17 -year -olds?
Yes. Yeah, probably. 100%. Wasn't frowned upon.
Is that an insane? Imagine bringing that up in
a history class. Imagine being in a history class.
That's cool, TJ. And telling the teacher, you
know what I think? Yeah. Wasn't he probably,
though, banging a lot of 17 -year -olds? Let's
get back to the Bay of Pigs. That's what I'm
saying. Let's talk about that. That's a good
name for his pool. The Bay of Pigs. Sorry. It's
kind of crazy, but to be the leader of a country
like that, it's almost like a prerequisite. You
have to be a poonhound. That's the only reason
why you have the ambition to get to that spot
in the first place. Yeah, and up until Clinton,
you kind of made fun of the girls. And if you're
not and you get into that position, now I'm skeptical.
What's your motive? Yeah. Because it's either
war and money or pussy. I'll take the guy who
just wants pussy every day of the week. It seems
like the best ones. Clinton when he was president.
Trump. Trump, for sure. Obama won a dick. That's
allegedly. That's allegedly. That's allegedly.
Allegedly. But our favorite is JFK, and he's
like the known biggest poon out. He's the known.
The known biggest. What about those older guys,
the drawn guys? Do you think any of them were
poonhounds? Which ones? Like the old -timey guys?
Yeah. The ones that were drawn, not photographed.
Oh, what about the guy in the wheelchair? Back
in the drawing days, you could do whatever you
wanted. You're not going to be here long enough
for someone to sketch this. You could kill a
lady. You could kill everybody. Just go to the
next town. You could kill everybody, and then
they ask you, did you kill them? We're moving
to Annapolis. Sorry, Philly. And they did it
again. Let's go further. What were their investigations
like? Oh, yeah. Did you kill him? Nope. No forensics.
Sounds right. Sounds good. Yeah. Yeah, just evidence.
God, the lawyers back then, it's like, I just
lost the witch trials. I'm your new attorney.
God damn it. That was the worst lawyer of all
time. How did you lose that one? The witch trials
are the wildest shit of all time. They're witches,
and I got nothing. They didn't even give you
a lawyer back then. That's pretty new. They have
to give you a lawyer. They're just like, I can
read, you can't. Good luck with your trial. I
think mostly they drowned them, too. It wasn't
really a burning thing. The burning thing is
kind of a misnomer, right? Is that right, Mark?
I don't know. The drowning thing they used to
do for sure. They definitely drowned them, right?
They had this thing where they would lock you
to a chair and throw you in a pond. Whoa! And
then they'd be like, if she's a witch, she's
going to get out. Right. No one ever got out.
No one ever got out. So they were just like,
oh, shit. If she's a witch, she would just leave.
If they floated, they were proven to be a witch.
If they drowned, too bad, but at least they weren't
a witch. According to Smith, this type of test
was also a myth carried over from early European
history. Oh, no. It's just like the burning at
the stake. Interesting. Now they're just cunts.
Well, that's not true, though. I guarantee they
burn some people alive. They definitely burn
some people alive. They definitely. What if they
didn't have a lake near them? Listen, man, they
killed people in horrific ways and just lied
about it when they wrote it down afterwards.
Oh, yeah. There's a lot of that. Museum of Torture
in Amsterdam. I went to that. It rules. It's
just like this pyramid that you're supposed to
let a guy put his ass on. Yes. Oh, God. That's
a good way to go. That's a good one. Just pull
them apart. Yeah. That sucks. What was the coffin
with the spikes in it and they close it on you?
Well, that fucking Vlad the Impaler guy. So the
witch trials in Salem consisted mainly of a physical
examination for the witch's test? Teat. Witch's
teat. Oh, what is that? Which the Puritans believed
was a sort of third nipple, from which witches
familiar would suck blood. Oh, my God. Woe be
unto a woman with skin tags or a weird mole.
Damn. Damn. You got a skin tag. You're getting
your head cut off. Surprisingly modern language
on that. Yeah. A weird mole. They think of familiar
sucking blood out of your third tip. You know
how those ended? The witch trials? Some lady
was like, you're a witch. And everybody went,
ah. And that was it. Oh, really? It just ended
because they were getting annoyed with how she
was just calling everybody she hated a witch.
Well, you know how it started? This is your fifth
one. It started with ergot. They had an early
frost, and when you have an early frost sometimes,
it gives you fungus. I saw it at the bottom.
I saw you, you nasty fungus. And ergot has like
an— I watched him. He knows the story. No, it
says it's a myth. No, you can see that at the
bottom. That's what this says. What's ergot?
Wait a minute, but they've proven that ergot
was in wheat during that time. I was just saying.
During then Massachusetts. What's ergot? Hold
on. Let Jamie talk so I can hear what he's saying.
Massachusetts would not have had that problem,
but I don't know why. It says they would have
known how to fix it by then. Yeah, but they found
evidence of ergot. But the problem is they found
evidence. Find that. Because I know they found
one of the reasons why they came up with this
theory in the first place. They found evidence
of ergot. What's ergot? It's like a fucking fungus
that grows on wheat and it makes people trip
balls like acid. For sure there was one that
happened in France where a bunch of people died.
It's actually the thing that they found in those
vessels that show that the Romans and the ancient
Greek were doing those psychedelic rituals. They
found these pottery vessels that have ergot in
them. Is it available anymore? Ergot, I think,
it's still available. You're going to burn a
lady. But it's super toxic, too. It kills people.
The theory that went popular was started in a
1976 edition of Science Magazine where it talked
about the ergot theory. But as of now, they think
that it is not probably true. Interesting. But
why do they think it's not true? I'm always,
when they start dismissing psychedelic stuff,
I'm always like, how do you know for sure, for
sure? Because if ergot does exist, and ergot
is a thing that grows on wheat, and it's really,
a bunch of people are just fucking freaking out
about things. The cultural fascination of LSD
during this period. What does it say? So this
theory came out in the 70s, it says. The theory
came out. So when people started using acid,
the theory came out. See, I was under the impression
that there was actual evidence of ergot in samples
that they got. I'm looking for that. I found
this by typing in evidence of ergot. I might
be mixed up because I know they found evidence.
No, I've heard that story. Yeah, I've heard it,
but I'm not sure if it's true. But I know they
found evidence for sure in these ancient pottery
vessels. People that were involved in the Eleusinian
Mysteries and all that shit that was going down
in Greece 2 ,000 plus years ago, they were trapping
balls. It says it led to this theory being put
in the school curriculums as an explanation for
the trials. No way. School curriculums taught
that? I don't know that they have actual evidence
of it other than just being passed on. I think
I'm done with acid. We got mushrooms. I don't
need acid anymore. I'm the opposite. You like
acid more? I've been way more into acid lately.
What? You can control it. No. Smooth. Smooth.
It's a chemical. You're not hitting the floor.
Bro, you are trusting bathtub chemists with your
sanity. Yeah. Exactly. You are trusting. They're
the most trustworthy. They're not going to fuck
you. The CIA is writing this down right now and
they're like, dose Ari Shaffir with the good
stuff. The stuff we used on Jack Ruby. Also,
it's liquid. You can put it on paper. You can
put it on your hand. Cheeseburgers. It's so good.
That's going to be a myth too. You think? Seeps
in your hands? I don't think it seeps in. No,
it definitely does. It does? Yeah, that's how,
what's his face? Leary? I have touched it a lot
with my bare hands. I've never gotten anything
while I'm moving it place to place. What was
the name of Albert Hoffman? That's how Albert
Hoffman discovered it. It was a women's fertility
drug they were working on. But wasn't it still
wet? It was to induce labor. Was it dried in
or was it still wet? I think he just got it on
his hands. And he had a crazy dose, apparently.
And then went on a bike ride. And this dude just
tripped and balls. I had a festival. We went
to a festival in Western Georgia a couple years
ago. And somebody was testing all the coke. Like,
we got to test it first. And we're like, I thought
they meant to try it. But they were like. you
know, chemically tested. Like a fentanyl. They're
like 100 % pure, buy coke from that guy. And
then later they went to get acid from this chick
on a bus and they were like, tested it, 0 % acid
in that. What was it? Some sort of like liquid
mescaline and then the guy who had it was like,
it was freshly dipped, it's all over my hands
and he just started flying. This is one of the
stories I know as a music engineer of this being
true because of the guy that like made acid was
a Grateful Dead engineer supposedly. Half a century.
The guy who made acid? One of the guys. Oh, a
guy who made it. Like one of the guys. Oh, the
guys. Right. Okay, so not only is LSD absorbed
through the skin on contact, but it can apparently
stay potent for half a century. Wow. San Francisco
sound engineer Elliot Curtis found that out for
himself when he was fixing a 1960s synthesizer
and then tripped for nine hours straight. Completely
unaware that the device had been encrusted with
decades -old LSD. Wow. That guy took acid and
made up a story, bro. Yep. Or somebody painted
their... Imagine if you leave a synthesizer and
you go, I'm going to paint this bitch with acid.
Someone's eventually going to touch this. Someone's
going to get their greasy fucking hands on this.
Painted it. Doesn't dry up. Just go see God.
Well, the old myth is Manson dipped a bunch of
Bible pages in acid and then brought a Bible
into prison that would just eat it every day.
Well, Manson was in touch with Jolly West. Jolly
West visited Manson when he was in prison. Jolly
West was the head of MKUltra and they did LSD
experiments on people. And that's the primary
theory in the book Chaos. Chaos by this guy Tom
O 'Neill. They made him crazy? Fitzsimmons buddy.
Do you know Fitzsimmons was next door neighbor
to this guy? He was writing this book on the
Manson family murders for like 20 years. That's
Tom O 'Neill. The book's insane. So this Jolly
West guy visited Manson when he was in jail.
Visited Jack Ruby when he was in prison and Jack
Ruby went nuts. Wait. Before they did the thing?
Yeah. Before they did the thing – look, I think
what it was was they were trying to get rid of
the anti -war movement and they were trying to
get rid of the civil rights movement and they
were trying to get rid of a bunch of different
things that were going on at the same time. And
one of the ways they did it was to, A, make all
drugs illegal. But one of the best ways to make
all drugs illegal and discredit the hippies is
dose up a bunch of them and get it to murder
people in horrific ways. And then all of a sudden
the hippies become the most dangerous force in
America. And if you've got the power of the media
behind you and you've pushed that narrative and
you – make it happen, you're essentially waging
war on American civilians. You're essentially
waging a psychological war on the population
that's paying your salary. It is a wild thing
they did, but they definitely did it. Damn. Yeah.
CIA is fucking lame. They have too much power.
I don't like them. All groups that have too much
power, you're going to do some wacky shit. The
Dulles brothers, they can kick rocks as far as
I'm concerned. Who's that? Dulles Airport? Yeah.
That's them. They might be involved in the assassination
of Kennedy. They probably killed JFK. Oh, shit.
I think there was a lot of people involved in
that. I think that guy was tossing up the apple
cart a little too much. Too much? They were like,
uh -uh. Too many people. And back then, again,
this was just 50 years past the drawing of people.
I mean, you go to fucking look for a photo from
1890. Good luck, bitch. So, you know, see, here
you are 60, 70 years later. That's nothing. And
then you're dealing with one president that's
going to get rid of the fucking Federal Reserve.
Shut the fuck up. Shut up, you are. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. What the fuck is this guy doing? And then
he's going to get in a convertible and drive
through Texas where they hated him in Texas.
Pretty ballsy. And suddenly it's a convertible.
But they hated him in Texas. Great headshot.
They hated him in Texas. Like, Texas was red.
Oh, yeah. He was driving through Dallas. They
hated him. You ever go to the X in Dallas? Yeah,
go out to the street. It's fun. It's fun to see
it. Isn't it weird how little it is? Like the
area? Yeah, yeah. Anybody who says you couldn't
make that shot is out of their fucking minds.
Easy. Out of their fucking minds. All the arguments
that he couldn't make that shot are so stupid.
You think? Yeah. He got three off pretty quick
though, right? Here's the thing. And he missed
one by like a mile? It doesn't mean even that
that was him. It doesn't mean that. It just means
he was in that building. I like it. We're back
on the same page. The thing about it is, the
thing about it is, they made up a theory. On
the count of three. One, two, three. And everyone
just shot. No, they did something like that.
They saw him. They probably all had a signal.
Something happened. Maybe an umbrella right next
to him. If they're going to shoot the fucking
president. His wife, Jacqueline. No, there's
a guy opening an umbrella. No, that's nonsense.
No, you saw it. I've seen that. It's nonsense.
It's just a guy opening an umbrella. It's just
a guy. Some people think his fucking bodyguard
shot him. The whole Secret Service guy shot him.
Look. There was probably a bunch of people shooting
at him. He got hit in the neck for sure. He grabs
his neck. From the front. Yeah, from the front.
He grabs his neck. They altered it when they
got to the second autopsy. They did two autopsies.
They got his body initially in Dallas, and then
they flew it to Bethesda. So in the interim,
they changed what was listed as an entry hole
in his neck to a tracheotomy. And they say it's
just like, no, no, that was just like they did
it wrong over there. But there was a lot of shenanigans
between the two autopsies. The autopsies, they
wouldn't let them do it. The federal, they took
the body. Generals showed up. It was heavy -duty
shit. All people are like, he's got to go. The
best book on this is Best Evidence by a guy named
David Lifton, who was an accountant. They hired
him to go over the Warren Commission report.
And he went, no, I'm sorry. Sorry. Back and to
the left. So this guy goes over this. Nobody
would read the whole Warren Commission report.
It's like fucking 900 pages. Oh, yeah. But this
dude read all of it. He read all of it and found
all these inconsistencies, all these things that
didn't make sense. And so he writes this book
about it. His research was just reading it. The
thing that was out that no one went to. A lot
of people died, dude. A lot of people that saw
the assassination died in weird ways. Bobby too.
Like a giant number of people that were on the
scene died. Oh, really? Yeah, weird ways. Like
they did a statistical analysis of what are the
likelihood of all these people being either murdered
or suicide. Whoa. short period of time. It was
very low. Well, thank God for Zapruder. He was
like the original world star. He was the guy,
yeah. He was world star. He was out there filming.
Thank God he had his fucking iPhone. And isn't
it crazy that we know about this because of Dick
Gregory? Is that right? Dick Gregory, the comic,
brought on the Geraldo Rivera show. We know about
this because of Geraldo and Dick Gregory. I didn't
know that. Yep, they played it live on TV and
it's fucking crazy. You gotta imagine, that was
12 years after the assassination. You know Dick
Gregory completely stopping a comic to become
a full -time activist? Yeah, he started that
trend. Right around here. Right around here.
He's going through here. He gets hit. That playbook's
been followed. Right here he gets hit. Boom.
He's hit. Is he? Yes. Oh, the neck. He's hit.
Now we know something's going on. The wife does
nothing. Thank you. I mean, he literally got
shot in the neck. I mean, he's already probably
dead. Seems pretty serious. But now watch this
one. This is a rough one. This is why I'm voting
for RFK. Oh, he's spewing. Yeah, I mean, his
head exploded. His head just blew up. Well, I
missed it. His head exploded. Exploded. And she's
like, oh, it's over. Now, is this an AI enhancement
of this, Jamie? It says it's a super slow -mo
and sharpened version. That's a good agent. Yo,
how come nobody's thrown this Zapruder film into
AI to clean this shit up? Yeah. Good point. Bro,
that is the wildest video. Can we see that again?
He definitely got hit again. Just the head blow.
Head blow's tough. You're right. He's probably
already dead. He got hit through the neck with
a bullet. He's already dead. He's dead. He just
hasn't died yet. Wait a minute. Oh! She's lucky
she didn't get in the way because she was hugging
him. Jamie, slow that down again. And then she
freaks the fuck out. Holy shit. Who's that guy
behind? Who's the guy behind, though? Everybody's
freaking out. There's gunshots going off. She
has nothing to do with it. This lady? She had
something to do with it. Oh, yeah. It's hot.
She's there with no man. Now, here's what's interesting.
Here's what's interesting. The spray goes forward,
but the head goes backwards. Yeah, that makes
sense, though. The head goes back into the lap,
but it doesn't really. It does because you open
up a hole and it sprays out and then you go back.
Right, but it generally doesn't go that way.
It goes the other way. What, behind him? The
bullet goes through and then sprays out the back.
Did the bullet get out the back? It could be
more than one person hitting him in the head
at the same time, too. We're starting off heavy,
huh? What happened to a hello? You know, you
have to consider there's probably multiple gunners
in the grassy knoll. They're not going to take
a chance. When they're going to assassinate the
president, they're going to have multiple dudes
shooting. Yeah. That's brain, bro. That's brain.
Whoa. They said that she climbed. It's crazy.
The news report initially said that she climbed
out to try to retrieve parts of her husband's
brain. That is just not true. Didn't they say
she brought it to the hospital? I don't know.
I heard that. She had it in her pocket. She did
look like she went and grabbed something and
then went back in the car. She maybe did grab
a piece in full shock. Apparently she brought
it to the hospital. It is a good one. They blew
that back in. Can you put the, yeah, I don't
know. Imagine if they could do that and just
glue your brains back together. They can do it
with teeth. Like a Justin Robert. Same thing.
Teeth. Teeth of the brain of the mouth. Such
a wild scene. Hey, if we're doing this, what
happened to the Boeing guy? Oh. Oh, the Boeing
guy realized that he's a piece of shit. Tell
me what's going on. We talked about this on stage
the other night. Yeah, we did figure that out.
Yeah, we talked about it on stage the other night.
The Boeing guy realized, the guy who committed
suicide realized that he did a terrible thing.
by accusing a company of cutting corners, and
he felt embarrassed. He felt stupid. That he
shamed this great company that has done so well
for all of us. How many times have we flown on
a Boeing plane? And he did the right thing. Boeing
planes are amazing. They kill themselves. He
knew it, and he was like, what have I done? So
he killed himself. But the wheels are falling
off, doors are coming off, planes are falling
off. That's allegedly. That's allegedly. Boeing
whistleblower told friend not to believe suicide
before he died. Oh, Christ. Oh, Jesus. Hey, if
somebody says I killed myself, that means I didn't
kill myself. Anytime you hear that, though, you're
like, are you about to kill yourself, though?
What an odd thing to say. Yeah, right? That is
an odd thing to say. But it's not if you're Julian
Assange. Yeah. Right? If you really think they're
going to whack you. That's what, what's his name
said, too? McAfee. Yeah, a lot of those guys
are there. Pat McAfee is gone. I'm saying John
McAfee. McAfee is a wild boy. Pat McAfee is gone.
Because he guessed the Chiefs? John McAfee was
one of the only guys that I just had on the phone.
I didn't even have him live on the podcast. I
had him on the phone. Because you can't get in.
We did a podcast with him when he was running
from the law in his country. Because someone,
he says they set him up by killing his neighbor.
But he was also allegedly online showing people
how to cook meth. That guy's awesome. There was
an account that was linked to him that was like
he had a lab. in his backyard. I mean, it's documented.
This dude had a fucking full -on, he was a genius
billionaire with a full -on meth lab. He created
McAfee antiviral software. Hell yeah. He's rich
as fuck. He had deus ex machina. Where was he?
In Belize? That was his house. Was he in Belize?
Jamie, it's a wild story. See if you can find
the story of his meth lab. He was in Belize.
This boy was wild. We had him on our podcast.
Didn't you have people shit through it? Did you
have him live? On Zoom. Yeah. There he is. That's
amazing. When was this? What year was this? This
was during COVID. He's like a John Goodman character.
He's so crazy, dude. He was so funny on this.
He's so crazy, but also really was in charge
of antivirus software. He's a real genius. Yeah,
and he was on everyone's computer. And what he
said is that he donated them computers. Here,
have some computers. And he had malware in at
the government. So he gave them like 50 laptops.
And they're like, okay. That's what he says.
I mean, that's how they do it. I mean, that's
how I would do it. Yeah. If I was him. That's
how we did it. We sold like that type of, we
sold like spy technology to our allies. That's
why Huawei phones. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you
can't buy a Huawei phone. Huawei phones are like
the most sophisticated phones in the world. What
was that? What was the alien movie? That's how
they beat them. At the end. He was making various
types of bath salts. Independence Day. Look what
he says. I think it's the finest drug ever conceived.
He wrote of one singling out the indescribable
hypersexuality of the super perv powder. But
warning that I had visual and auditory hallucinations
and the worst paranoia of my life. That guy.
Beast. That guy had the worst paranoia of his
life. Well, Hitler liked it. Wow, he's so clean
cut there. He's so different when Bat and Shane
got to him. By the time he fell off to me and
Matt. So when we had a podcast with him, he was
on the run. Look at that. What a hunk. Look at
this nerd. He made himself a friend. You know
what, man? Something I admire about him. It doesn't
like him. He's like drowning. You're a nerd.
I kind of admire that. I admire the billionaire
who goes totally off the rails. He just lived
only with prostitutes. Hit only prostitutes.
Is he the one that women shit through a hammock
onto his chest? Yes. Whoa. Is that true? Yes,
we asked him about it. All right, now I'm off
the team. Wait, tell me about the shitting through
the hammock. Apparently he was having ladies
shit through a hammock on him. All right. We
asked him about it. And he was like, do I ask
you about your sexual proclivities? And we're
like, yeah, you asked us if we were gay right
away. He was like, ah. Did he tell you the story?
He was awesome. No, he was like, if that makes
you uncomfortable, I've done way more. Matt was
like, from like higher hammocks. So the splat
was bigger. It was so good, dude. What a psycho.
Don't you love the fact that there's a guy like
that running around? Oh, yeah. I want millions
of dollars. Unless you're his neighbor. Oh, yeah.
True. You got to sell your property. Smells like
shit again. I think they were framing the boy.
They might have been, or he might have been on
that fucking hypersexuality. He might have been
on the drugs he said he was on. And he was heavily
armed. I don't trust him anymore because he's
on those drugs. Let's get rid of him. Bro, he's
a guy doing meth who's heavily armed. Being shit
on. Yeah. Who cares what happens there? Allegedly.
He got a bunch of like armed, he just started
building an army. Yeah, he was off the rails.
He's having fun. He's one of the bros. He's still
going, right? Also, he's like, how come this
guy gets to have an army? I don't even have to
have an army. He got suicided in. He got Boeinged?
Yeah, I think so. He got suicided. I think he
was when he tweeted. He was like, if I die, I
didn't do it. Meanwhile, he's on a pound of crank.
Yeah, he might go. He could go at any moment.
He had one of them fucking Garmin watches on.
He'd be like, 197 is crazy. A minute after tweeting
that, he goes, oh, but now we could blame them
if I did do it. Oh, that's a good idea. Redlined
his fucking heart. He could have redlined his
heart. He's 80 years old doing crank. Beast.
How old was the guy when he died? 89? No, he
was younger than that. He's in methed up 70s.
Methed up 70s is like 99. Holy shit, he was 75?
Yeah. He looked good. He was like 70 when we
interviewed him. Methed up 70s is like pro -athlete
knees. Pro -athletes, when they're 35, their
knees are fucked. Or a fat guy's heart. That's
a rough one. Fat guys get two seats on the plane.
Speaking of Boeing. They get a free seat. I'm
going back to coach. Stretch it out. Stretch
it out. Yeah, it's a weird one, huh? That guy's
an interesting fucking character. He would be
a great movie. Yeah. Yeah. In the movie, have
him kill his neighbor, too. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. It's your movie. Let's kill the neighbor.
And you got to get the hammock. I feel like the
neighbor probably sucked. Yeah, they didn't just
kill him because they were awesome because they
only mowed the glass. Hey, could you keep it
down? Didn't the neighbor do something to his
dog, too? That's what I heard. What? Yeah, the
neighbor did something to his dog. Maybe kill
one of his dogs. That's over the line. That's
what I'm saying. You got to go full John Wick.
It was cool when John Wick did it. Yeah, that's
how you do it. Exactly. Kill my dog. Imagine
hurting Carl. Yeah. I would never shoot my neighbor.
Yeah. What you said. I'm just fucking jacked
out. They're going to do a meth and be like,
they killed my dog? Not just meth, but meth.
That's a good thing I have armed guards. They
killed my dog. Meth he engineered in a fucking
lab he built on his property that he documented
online. He wanted the community to know about
this meth lab. He wanted them to know about how
proficient his meth lab was. Fucking really scientifically
accurate everything. He was measuring everything
perfectly. Beakers and all this shit. He documented
it all. It's awesome. Fucking meth lab in Belize.
You can call it bath salts all day. But what
it is, that's just engineered meth. That's what
bath salts was. They took bath salts. What's
the other meth? Not engineered? It's just different.
There's different things that you can do to a
compound, so it's not exactly the same compound.
He made his own meth. Like 5 -methoxydimethyltryptamine
was legal for a while because it wasn't technically
dimethyltryptamine. It's even stronger than...
So they add an oxygen molecule to it. So this
is better than meth? If you can engineer meth,
if you're a super genius who makes fucking software
that can stop viruses, I bet you can figure out
how to make some killer meth. And this dude cooked
up some fine shit, apparently. Damn. Makes you
want to try it. I'd give it a shot. It does make
you want to try it. That sounds like the best
way to get into meth. The thing is, I have a
feeling you never want to go back to normal.
It's like flying first class. That was one of
the things that lady said. The lady in the FTX
trials, she was talking about how being on amphetamines
all the time makes you realize how normal, sober
interaction, how fucking boring they are. And
she, like, tweeted it. I would take Adderall
at work. It was great. Woo! I was working, like,
customers. I was front desk talking to people.
I was like, hey, that was nice. Swacked. Swacked.
That's dollar sign whacked. So you got whacked
for money? Is that what it means? No, he's saying
this is when he said, like, just in case if I
suicide myself, I didn't. Okay. We're going to.
Getting subtle messages from U .S. officials
saying, in effect, we're coming for you, McAfee.
You got Epstein. We're going to kill you. We're
going to kill yourself. That's a good way to
say it. Yeah, that's an interesting way to say
it. I got a tattoo today just in case. If I suicide
myself, I didn't. I was whacked. Check my right
arm. So what happened to him, though? Was it
a suicide or was it something else? Was he in
Spanish prison? He was in prison. He was just
about to be extradited when he was found supposedly
hanging. Whoa. His wife claimed that shouldn't
have happened, but when looked into it, the Spanish
authorities said suicide. Of course they did.
Of course. That's what they were paid to say.
That's what the money says. So you're getting
a tattoo saying, hey, if it comes out that I'm
dead, it's because somebody killed me. And instead
you got an artful schwacht. Yeah. It looks nice.
You could just do it. Schwacht is nice. Don't
talk shit. It's kind of nice. Schwacht tattoo,
bro. You want that schwacht later. Schwacht it
off. Let's look at this logically. Why would
the government kill him? That's what I don't
get. Why don't we have schwacht tattoos? Let
the guy have fun. He knew too much about it.
What did he do? All the malware. Did the malware
to them? Yeah? Come on, man. NSA, Mossad, they
all got the... So what do you think it is? You
think he found some stuff out when he was, like,
looking through the computers? I think he was,
like, one of the architects of that type of thing.
I think he probably fucked with them, and then
they were like, don't fuck with us. Why'd you
give us malware? Now we're going to fuck with
you. He's like, I'm going to tell everybody.
Right. And he's on meth. He's going, I'm going
to tell everybody. Oh, he's talking shit? We're
spyware allies. They like to talk on meth. And
if he really did have all their stuff, that is
a crime. Like, if he really did install malware
and get top -secret shit, they'll kill you for
that. Mm -hmm. They might not even bother taking
you to court. Soon after joining the Ben MGMT,
McAfee said he and his team exploited a flaw
in the Android operating system that allowed
him to read encrypted messages from WhatsApp.
Whoa. Oh, he could read messages. Because Modo
investigated, reported he had sent reporters
malware -infected phones to make this hack work.
Whoa. You can't ruin his reputation either. Of
course the phones had malware on them, he said.
How that malware got there is the story, which
we will release after speaking with Google. Good
for you. It involves a serious flaw in the Android
architecture. Crazy move. Look at this. It involves
a serious flaw in the Android architecture. What
is that flaw? I just wanted to make the MGMT
joke. MGMT? Go back to that, Jimmy. It says McAfee
moved MGT to mining of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies.
Oh, he's a criminal. Yeah, he rules. It was like
when Suge Knight said he stuck Eazy -E on Kimmel.
Oh, yeah. He was like, you know, there's lots
of ways to kill somebody. You might just hire
someone to stick them with a needle with fucking
AIDS. You know what I'm talking about? And everyone
in the audience is like, what the? He did that
on Jimmy Kimmel? Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel was wearing
a flak jacket. Bro, how wild is it that Jimmy
Kimmel had Suge Knight on? It was cool, Kimmel.
Right? It was back then. You can get canceled
today for having Chris D 'Elia on your podcast.
Yeah. I mean, can you fucking imagine? You're
bringing Suge Knight on? Yeah. The dude hung
vanilla ice off a balcony. Was it vanilla ice?
Yeah. He just ran over a guy. By his ankles.
Ran over a guy and killed him on video. Jeff
Ross, frightened. Whoa. Terrified. Terrified.
Oh, this was back then. Yeah. Kimmel had no one
back then. This was a get. Yeah, he's pretty
much saying, I fucking suck at EZE with AIDS.
That's why I progressed so fast. That's a wild
conversation. Suge Knight looks like Kimmel.
That's Karl Malone. Oh, my God, he does. He does.
Oh, my God, he does. You nailed it. Oh, my God,
he does. Is that Leguizamo? Is it? Yeah. Imagine
Leguizamo's the first guest before Suge Knight.
Who gives a fuck about some actor Leguizamo?
Leguizamo rules. Shut up. He was in Super Mario
Brothers. Leguizamo was in John Wick, you piece
of shit. Leguizamo rules, dude. He was Tibble.
I dare you. I take it back. I named my cat after
him. I dare you. I lost touch after the second
one. I named my cat after him. Feet up. And it'll
shoot you with it. Oh, well, that seems bad.
That's a slow death. Yeah, yeah. Easy thing,
you know what I mean? Yeah. Damn! Way to lighten
the mood. Wow. Wally takes a puff of his cigar
with his boots up. You got a murderer. I don't
know why that comes up. Remember those days when
there was like a number or a color rather? Today's
yellow. Let's go to the store. It's yellow. Come
on. Let's go do stand -up. We're going to stay
home if it's orange. Today's fucking orange.
I'm not going anywhere. What a great way to make
everyone stay home on a day they need them to.
Well, what a great way to test how you can freak
people out. How quickly we forgot about those
colors. That was a weird one. The color system
for terrorism after 9 -11. Oh, yeah. They tried
it. They tried it, and we were like, come on.
Did you ever get the email saying, avoid the
mall on October 21st? No. There's going to be
an attack on a mall. That's just the Jewish emails.
You guys got secret emails? That's why you're
tunneling. How about a little heads up? You never
got those in the couple years after? There's
intel on this day in a mall or in this day in
a fucking airport. I got an Amber Alert today.
Did you guys get that one? Texas goes wild with
Amber Alerts. You know what I don't miss about
it? Really depressing way to start. The forest
fires. Oh, yeah. The fires were crazy in California.
You ain't never seen anything like it. They're
here now. Yeah, bullshit fires. You guys took
everything. Listen, they're bad, but they're
not bad like it is in L .A. because it doesn't
rain there. You know they have those things,
like the colors for fires? Oh, yeah. With the
fire warning. It was always red. It was always
red. It's not red for like three months out of
the year. Do not smoke a cigarette on Laurel
Canyon. If you're an asshole. Just like do not.
These fucking assholes that throw cigarettes
out the window when they're done with them, these
littering cocksuckers. You're not even allowed
to smoke in your car with the windows up on the
way up Laurel Canyon. You're not? Yeah, when
it's like dry. They're like, don't. Because it
just goes up in a blaze. So I was coming home
one night. I got evacuated three times. when
I lived in California. Three fucking times. But
I was coming home one night and the whole side
of the highway, I was coming home from Fear Factor,
the whole side of the highway for an hour was
on fire. For an hour. You sent us pictures from
your flip phone. It was just like one side of
the highway fire, one side green. It was madness.
It was like a scene from the fucking... That's
what it's like. It was like a scene from a fucking
Hobbit movie. Where are we even going? Why are
we driving that way? Lord of the Rings. Apocalyptic.
Dude, this was not nearly as bad as... This is
the 405. This is the 405. This is the head of
Santa Monica. But this is much more contained
than what I saw. What I saw was an hour of...
A full hour going like 40 miles an hour. Was
it hot? 50 miles an hour. Were you hot? No, but
it was raining ashes like snow. So you were seeing
ashes fall out of the sky like snow. The whole
right side of the highway. And, dude, sometimes
that shit jumps. You get a crosswind. It jumps.
It hits a car. It gets other cars. There was,
in Northern California, a whole highway full
of stopped cars. Everybody died. Yikes. Everybody
got consumed by fire. Look at this shit, dude.
What are they doing? Where are you going? These
people are praying. Donald Trump, please help
us. Please save us. Jesus Christ. And you don't
know where the fire is. You're just guessing.
It's not like fire or Google. You might be going
right to it. You might be. You don't know. You
don't know where you're driving. You can't see.
This is a windy road. This is some poor Uber
Eats driver. He's like, I'm going to get there.
Bro, this is so nuts, man. This is so nuts. Oh,
man. So this is what I don't miss. And I know
they have fires out here, but, bro, you ain't
never seen fires like those dry climate, high
grasses. And the worst is when it rains a lot
earlier in the year because then you get extra
grass. And then it always dies off when it stops
raining. Everything turns brown. But it's natural
fires, right? Like it's supposed to happen. Somebody
lit off one behind Pink Dot. Behind my old window,
you saw it start just there. It's like a straight
uphill with like, it just gone. Gone. Within
like 20 minutes, it goes from like a little,
like one bush on fire. It burns through the houses.
Yikes. There was one time in LA when we were
at the store and Above Pink Dot was on fire.
That was it. Was that it? Yeah. Was I watching
that with you? But was that the one where we
were seeing the helicopters fly overhead and
they were trying to dump water on it? Planes
were dumping water on it? It was nuts. It was
like a war was going on right above the sign.
It went right up that hill. Yeah. I was in Salt
Lake. I was driving to Stanhope's down in Bisbee.
It was crazy. I was driving. You could watch
the helicopters. picking up the water out of
the lake and flying over the highway and dropping
it on the mountain that was on fire. Then I got
to the fucking Grand Canyon and it had just burned.
For real, like two hours straight, it was just
the moon. Like there was no vegetation. It was
just stumps. Everything was black. It was crazy.
Yikes. It was crazy. Those forest fires are wild.
That's a wake -up call to how vulnerable we really
are. That was the one time where people in L
.A. were cool. Like, everybody was so cool. After
the fire, they were like, hi. Good to see you.
Happy to be alive. Dude, you remember in New
York when fucking Canada caught on fire? Yes.
That's how crazy those... You know the conspiracy
theory about that? They popped up pretty quickly.
So they're just saying, I don't know. Whole Manhattan
was full of ash and dark smoke. The conspiracy
is the color of the smoke. The color of the smoke
was strange, and it coincided with there was
a shipment that was lost. The shipment that was
lost somewhere was some kind of chemical, and
this chemical, it was a toxic chemical, and there
was a high volume of it, and it was lost. And
then all of a sudden these fires break out in
Canada, and this fucking orange smoke is making
its way across New York. Weird smoke. Like a
weird color smoke. Now, that could be. I'm a
moron. That could be the sun, the way it goes
through the light. It could be the fucking sun.
But I've never seen orange smoke before. It was
orange. I was in Montauk. It looked weird. Nor
has anybody that I know ever seen that kind of
orange smoke. They told everybody to change every
filter in your car. Whoa. It was like emails.
Did anybody do like an analysis of the smoke
and go, what the fuck is this? No. Is it just
smoke or did something burn somewhere that was
toxic? Never done a smoke analysis. I was doing
shows. I was doing shows. I was doing shows at
the comedy podcast. You were doing shows in that
orange smoke? Yeah. Walking around in that shit?
I didn't know. I woke up late that day. Could
you tell on the ground? The first day I was like,
am I fucking this hungover that it's like...
One day it was cloudy. Everything's hazy. Yeah.
Right. But did it look orange? Not until like
day two or three. Day two or three. Yeah, it
changed every day, right? At first you could
see it coming. It was crazy. Like at first it
was just slightly smoggy. You were like... I
don't know. I remember driving in being like,
this is fucking weird. Am I dumb? Because no
one's mentioning anything. And I was like, it's
fucking weird out, right? And then by the...
The most, like the height of it, it was fucking
insane. It was just orange. It was like Ghostbusters.
It was scary. Come on. That seems weird. It was
scary. It was weird. Isn't that weird? Look at
the color. 2 p .m. 2 p .m. Look at that. It's
like Rachel Dolezal. I'm not a chemist, ladies
and gentlemen. I don't know anything. about smog
color, but that seems highly unusual. It's unusual.
It's super unusual. I'm just going to say that.
Oh, look at that. There's conspiracy theories
that are warranted. Toronto didn't get it nearly
as bad as New York. Well, it's because it was
coming down towards us. Can you flip through
these faster? Yeah, why don't you move quick?
Jesus. How about it? It was only orange in the
one photo. Only take two of those. It was orange
for a lot. Neuro gums. Don't take three neuro
gums. Oh, yeah. You guys can't look. Old eyes.
Old eyes. How dare you, young Jamie. Jamie, you're
being so nasty today. You tried that earlier.
I'm sick of it. You've changed. Why are you so
hostile today to the boys? Young Ari, could you
hand me a beer, please? There we go. Sure, Shane.
Sure. Fit Shane. Hey, I've heard about, there's
these things, Shane, there's these things called
Lucy's. You've ever heard of Lucy? Oh, I know
about Lucy's. That has 12 milligrams. Lucy Breakers?
They have 12 milligrams. This is six. Oh, you
don't want that. They have 12. That's too much.
Don't say that. When you say that, I want two
in my mouth right now. Is that from Tucker? I
don't like how you talk. You can't handle 12.
No, this is from the fucking gas station. You're
4 '2". 12 milligrams will put you on the move.
I think it's a weight thing. Yeah, all right.
I don't think it is. You're a short, round guy.
You can consume a lot of alcohol. That's true.
Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, Lucy's good. But no
one consumes alcohol like tall people. Tall,
big people like Shane. Big people. My friend
Justin. I got a friend Justin. Call it. This
motherfucker can put it down. Yeah. And he makes
you keep drinking with him. And he's like 350
pounds. Yeah. He's just this big giant dude.
He's like, come on, bro. One more. I'm like,
okay. Lineman. It's always that one more. Next
thing you know, you're destroyed. Of course.
But he's got like twice the body of you. Shane's
the king of that. Comes into like the cellar.
One more. And never is like, no, I'm not drinking
today. He's like, come on, one. Come on, one.
One more. Every 3 a .m. This guy's drinking.
Get him that one. He's drinking Crown and Cokes,
though. That's a different animal. That's dangerous.
That's a different animal. Me and DeRosa went
out. Makers. Makers and Coke. That'll fuck you
up. Oh, and the Coke gets right in your bloodstream.
DeRosa came down to Austin, and we were like,
we'll go hang out. We'll have two drinks at every
bar. We were just walking around. I was getting
two Bud Lights at every bar. Oh, Jesus Christ.
He's drinking whiskey at every bar. Oh, my God.
By like the fifth bar, he was like. We were walking
to a bar, and he was like, oh, shit, man. You're
not fucked up? I was like, no, I've been drinking.
I know. That's pretty good. Take an hour. This
is all whiskey. Nah, you have two drinks every
time we do this. I'm already on number two. What
are you on? Three beers? Don't count mine. I'll
catch you up, brother. I'm autistic. I count.
That was the Stanhope strategy for years. Stanhope
was like, I just take a slow drip of alcohol
through white beer. And I was like, that's genius.
He's like, yeah, I don't want to get too fucked
up. It's like, keep the fucked up going. You
get a good buzz. The best way to keep a good
buzz is a light beer. Yeah, it's true. Because
you don't go over the edge. When DeRosa's done
is when he says, let's do shots. You're like,
you're fucked up. You're about to leave. You're
about to leave. But the Coke brings him back
to life. The Coke brings him back to life. And
he starts making sandwiches. Yeah, DeRosa brought
his sandwiches to the club the other night. They're
great. They are great. Fucking amazing. Very
good. He gave me a roast beef with prosciutto
with some kind of peppers in there. I forget
whose favorite sandwich it was. Maybe his mom's.
What a fucking fantastic. He's a shockingly likable
guy. He's the best. I love Joe. He's a great
guy. Adopted people. Funny motherfucker, too.
They bring the heat. He's just a good dude, man.
I was like, dude, open up a place here. We're
talking about it, so I hope they do. We need
a real good sub shop. He would come a lot. If
we get DeRosa. Oh, he'll come by. Oh, he should
move here. Well, he's coming. He's doing my podcast
again next month. Oh, he's worthless in New York.
I love that dude. Is he? Yeah, get him down here.
He can make a name for himself. Why is he worthless
in New York? Well, nobody respects him. He's
ugly. He's adopted. He's adopted! He's burned
a lot of bridges. Oh, yeah. Listen, this is a
land of rebuilding. Yeah. That's right. That's
what they said after they stole it from the Comanche.
It's a land of rebuilding. But you burned it.
We gave them a casino. I don't even think they
have a casino. No, they don't get a casino. They
don't get shit. They were too fierce. They were
nasty. They're going to need box cutters if they
get a casino. They can't trust them. They had
to put that fire out. You guys should get something
in Germany, like a water park or something. You
ever seen this? Is that a Comanche arrowhead?
That's legit. That's from right here, bro. Is
there blood of the white man on it? No, that's
why we got it. It's probably got some deer blood
on it. Wow, that's cool. That's probably from
before the white man even showed up and fucked
everything up. It's so smooth. I have a friend
who has a ranch out here that apparently was
where the Comanche lived, and it's just overrun
with arrowheads. They carve them down? Well,
they make them. It's called flintknapping. They
actually put a piece of buckskin over their knee,
and they hold this, like, slate. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Don't do that. Bro, that's, like, literally,
it could be 1 ,000 years old. Like, who fucking
even knows how old that thing is? That would
spell on me. It's actually probably about 400
or 500 years old. Wow. Allegedly, I don't know.
This is what someone told me, but the thing is
that like these fucking guys man They've made
those things by knocking rocks together. There's
like a very specific way It's called Flint napping
like you knock it off to make a flake and then
you have to like knock it against like something
soft like your leg and they chip away till they
make that this razor edge to these things Jesus
like a they want to figure out how to do it and
These fucking things are all over this guy's
ranch. He sent me a bunch of them. He sent me
ones that are marked off by this guy's flint
knapping. Whoa. See how he does this? They had
all the time in the world. Heated it up? No.
No, this guy's a guy that knows how to recreate
this shit. This guy fucks hard. They get it.
He does. You can tell this guy fucks hard. Probably
with one of those butcher's aprons on. With,
like, a leather butcher apron on. Yeah. These
people are a problem, though, because some of
these people are, not this guy, I'm not saying
this guy, but some of these people are unethical,
and then they go leave these things. So they
bury it in the sand. Oh, look what I found. Wow.
This is appropriation, too. It does look pretty
real. It looks a lot like that one. You know
what's okay to appropriate? Indians? White people.
Ah. Did you see the... That makes sense. There's
a Boston... It's like Boston Globe. They had
a photo of St. Patrick's Day and it's a black
dude dressed like a leprechaun. I'm like, hey.
Hey. What are we doing here? That's ours. Who
the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy?
That's how everyone listens to that accent. But
it's like, hey, what are we doing here? You're
just like sticking it in everybody's face. You
couldn't find an Irish guy in Boston? It's literally
their holiday? Acting is harder than UFC because
he's in Roadhouse. That was a quote from Connor.
Oh, really? Acting is harder than UFC. Listen
to me. That's not true. That's not true. Because
he trained UFC his whole life. Okay, act in Roadhouse
or fight Khabib again. Shut the fuck up. That
is crazy talk. That's crazy talk. I think he
probably just meant that he's bad at it. He broke
his fucking leg in a fight. He broke his leg.
Like, that's harder. Yes. That's way harder than
fucking acting. I think he was just making a
statement, a quote. But a level of if he's good
at it or not. Listen, the guy's promoting a movie.
There you go. I think he's making excuses. He's
a great promoter. Learning how to act completely
blown out versus doing UFC. He's an amazing promoter.
He's the best promoter in the history of the
sport. No one even comes close. There's Conor
McGregor and everybody else. Can we bring up
that interview? Him on the red carpet? Blown
out. Oh, yeah. Out of his fucking mind. There
you go. Reveals why acting is harder than him.
That's just a clickbait bullshit headline that
you fell for, son. Reveals why. Acting is harder.
Time consumption. Do it, Chan. You can do it.
Hold on. I can't. I can't. Go ahead. Acting is
harder. Time, time, time. I got to see him because
he's on coke for this one. Just saying. Go for
it. Go for it. Time consumption and it's not
just acting and fighting. You got it. You got
it. You got it. You're on it. You're on it. You
got it. No, you got it, dude. Get fired up. Take
a deep breath. Come on. This is harder than UFC.
It's also remembering the line and you have some
things. You got it. You got it, dude. You got
it. Let me see him say it so I can. Just give
me a little bit. We just need a little coke.
It's just a difficult game and a lot more difficult
than I give it credit. You sound like Colin Tyrell.
He's dumb. Who's the lady? Time consumption.
Time consumption. Action and fighting and stunts.
It's also memory in the line and you have to
time things correctly. You're engaging with another
person. It's just a difficult game. All right,
I can get it now. Time, time consumption. Time
consumption. It takes a lot of time. There's
a lot of sitting around. If you're acting, you're
going to be on a set 16 hours a day. You're probably
going to be sitting around for 10, waiting for
your, especially if you're Connor, you're not
Jake Lillenhall. You're going to be waiting around
for your line. Yeah, we don't need you again
till tomorrow this time. Mike, what was it like
when you kissed that cowboy? Was that for real?
Did you really kiss him? Was it CGI? Do a Connor
accent for me. Torn consumption. What was it
like when you kissed a cowboy? You fucked him
so hard he killed himself. I'm not that good
at it. I don't think that's why he killed himself.
He OD'd because you fucked his ass. It was just
shame. But he wasn't into it. It's correct. The
shame of it. That lost the Oscar to some bullshit.
That was a great movie. Do you think it should
have won? That was a good fucking movie. Great
movie. Ang Lee. The same guy who did the Hulk.
Yeah. Oh, he did that. What did he lose to? The
Eric Bana Hulk. That's right. That was a good
one. That was a good one. That was the first
CGI Hulk. Eric Bana's a good hunk, dude. Oh,
yeah. He's a good hunk. He's one of my favorite
hunks. Underrated hunk. Yeah, he's great. He
was oiled up, though, bro. What was that one?
Bronson? No, no, that's Tom Hardy. Oh, that's
right. Tom Hardy's an elite hunk. But Eric Bana
did an indie movie early on that was really good.
Eric Bana? Yeah. Eric Bana's... Oh, that looks
like... Look at those tits. Look at them tits.
Damn, he's got some pants. Oh, no, it was about
the guy, the jail guy. Gregory Beck. Who was
it about? What was that movie? He was in Gladiator.
The movie about the guy that was in jail. It
wasn't Bronson? What was the movie about the
guy that there's some crazy psychotic guy that
was like an Australian? Chopper. That's awesome.
Dude, that's a great movie. That was Bert. I
thought it was Bronson. It's Chopper. Chopper's
about this dude. Can you show me the title again?
It's about this dude who's like this crazy fucking
criminal. Australia's most notorious criminal,
Mark Chopper Reed, and his years of crime, interest
in violence, drugs, and prostitutes. It's a fucking
crazy movie. And Eric Bana knocks it out of the
park. He knocks it out of the park in that movie.
It's a great movie. I feel like he's out sitting
out. I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, he's
been chilling. He's just being a hunk, dude.
Hunk it up. Give me some of this. Oh, we can't
play it because of fucking YouTube. Listen, YouTube,
I love you, but come on. Don't get silly. We
can't play YouTube videos? What? That's a problem.
Oh, no. It's like our favorite thing. That's
what we do. We can play them, but then they have
to all get cut out. What about TikTok? What?
We play TikTok videos? Bro, it's a problem with
copyright shit. What about home movies? You got
some movies? No, but I mean, there's one of those.
Oh, no. We need to see a little home video. A
little R .E. in Israel. Where his dreams got
dashed. Hey, this is all bullshit. Little learned
Ari. Do you remember the moment when you decided
that you were going to fall out of religion?
When I was like, oh, hold on. Fuck, I wasted
a lot of time. What was the moment? It was 19
in Israel and Jerusalem. Oh, you were there.
Was there a thing that happened? Was there a
thing that happened? Yeah, I was just like, oh,
I'm done. I don't care about any of this. The
Iron Dome got bombed. What did you say, Shane?
I just remembered. I was like, if we can't. Show
YouTube. We've got to find funny videos, and
I have a very funny video. I've got to send it
to JMO. Send it to JMO. God damn it. What can
we show? It's so annoying. The thing is, if you
have the volume and they see the image, you get
hit with a copyright claim. Copyright. Wouldn't
they want to be on here? It's... Yeah, you've
got to ask first. Look, we're fucking doing an
ad for Chopper. Yeah, exactly. That fucking movie
was awesome, and Eric Bana was awesome. I've
never even heard of it. There you go. That was
the big movie that he made it with. Have you
seen Magic with the guy from Westworld? It's
real similar to Bronson, though, isn't it? I've
never seen that one. Isn't Bronson a similar
situation? He's a crazy criminal guy. That's
why I got mixed up. But you know what Tom Hardy's
doing to Jiu -Jitsu? He's a sexy man. I think
Tom Hardy kissed guys, too. That's Tom Hardy?
No effing way. He probably got tired of pussy.
He's so good looking, he probably got tired of
pussy. Look at him. You know who's in Band of
Brothers? Was he? He was in Warrior briefly.
Banner Brothers might have been the best series
of all time. No one gives it credit. Good series.
That's crazy. People give it credit. Nah, it's
never talked about. They talk about The Wire.
It was a mini -series because it was only one
season. Well, they keep going. They have Masters
of Air. They're still doing it. Yeah, look at
his young ass. Look at his lips. He's got some
DSLs. Oh, my God. What sweet lips. Go to Tom
Hardy in Warrior. I'm Hardy. Wait, Tom Hardy?
I thought we were talking about different guys
now. I thought we were talking about a different
guy. That's not who we're talking about. Bro,
look at him in Warrior. Hachi Machi. Look at
those traps. I thought we were talking about
the Hulk. I'd like to shit on him through a hammock.
Eric Bana. We're talking hot guys. Shut up. Eric
Bana was Chopper. I got Chopper confused with
Bronson. Bronson was Tom Harkin. Warrior, bro.
It's a good time to be a whore. Gyllenhaal jacked
is nice, too. He's jacked. Gyllenhaal. Well,
he was great in Southpaw. You ever see Southpaw?
Yeah, nobody watched that. That's a good movie.
It was a fun one. I saw it on a plane. You know
what I like is... Miles Teller in Bleed for this.
That was a good boxing movie. Oh, yeah, about
the Italian guy. What's his name? Bro, look at
that. That's a hot guy, bro. Man, he was plowing
Witherspoon. He looks like... That guy got in
fucking serious shape. Look at those abs. That's
ridiculous. He's hotter than his sister. Nice
medicine. All right. So this is... I got to tell
you guys this. Underrated movie. Oh, it's about
Vinny Pazienza. Yeah, shit rules. That's the
guy. Yeah. Hold on. I sent Jamie this video.
My friend Nate Marshall, I told him I wouldn't
share this. The black. He is black. Yes. You
call him the black? Jesus Christ. He's the black.
He's the number one. He's the best black out
there. Jesus Christ. He's the black supremacist.
So this is me, Santino, and Big Cat. We're at
Barstool. We're shooting around. That's Santino,
that's me, that's Big Cat. Nate said he was like,
I'm going to wait until everyone's gone to shoot
the ball because I haven't shot in a while. But
while we're still out here, he picks one up.
Wait until you see this fucking shot. Whoa. He's
not the black anymore. I take it back. Everyone
was like, wait, what was that? He didn't make
it to the paint. What the fuck? Let me see that
again. You got to see the first one. Ted Cruz
is a better basketball player. That's a dude
who severely overestimates his ability to throw
things. He made it to the basket on the floor.
I've been there. That's a tough feeling. His
hand's behind his back and hasn't even hit the
arc yet. Has he ever played? No chance. No chance.
He's a fisher. Listen, I talk a lot of shit,
but my 10 -year -old beat me at horse once. Oh.
Basketball sucks if you can't do it. But you're
not black. You're not expected anything of you.
What the fuck was that? What the fuck? Yeah,
she's 10. Did you guys see Bobby Kelly working
out? No. He does that? We got videos of Bobby
Kelly working out. What is Bobby Kelly? Here
we go. We got videos. John Jones. You ever see
Mike Tyson throw basketballs? No. Mike Tyson's
terrible. He's awesome at fucking people up,
though. Terrible at basketball. So what is John
doing? He's going to dunk? No, he can't dunk.
No, it hit him on the head. Yeah, you ever see
Conor try to throw a football? None of the UFC
guys can do it. Also, John is not going to hurt
himself. Yeah. Like going full clip. Full Segura.
Yeah, full Segura. Blowing his knee out, which
can fucking happen. Sure. You get a little wacky.
Get a little wacky with his explosiveness. He's
not afraid to get a little wacky with his explosiveness,
though. See, I tore my meniscus in my knee once
wearing fucking jeans doing a kicking contest
with Joe Schilling. That's the most wrong sentence
of all time. I tore my meniscus. It was fucked
up for like a year after that. You've got to
see Bobby Kelly working out. You can't just do
stuff. I know what he's going to look like. Bobby
Kelly's going to look like a 50 -year -old lesbian.
He's already there. He's going to look like that.
Just work now. He's going to look like an old
woman working out. Why do you want to show this,
Ari? Santino found security footage. They had
a private workout. He's going to kill us. Why
are you fitness shaming your friend? Yeah, I
just texted it to you. Do we have to watch this?
Can I see it first to decide? I feel bad. I feel
bad. We're talking. Can I just say this before
we keep going? I didn't get a chance to compliment
him after I just trashed him. I love Bobby. I
love Bobby. All right. Yeah, we all love Bobby.
Because I just trashed him and then we kept moving
him. Bobby's my boy. I want to make sure. He
just did my pot. He killed it. He's great. He's
a great human being. I've known Bobby for like
30 years. Lap man. He's fat again. No, he's not.
Oh, he's back. No, no. Oh, yeah. Need to go back
on the lap. Another lap. He's not that fat. Oh,
he's big, baby. Really? Yeah, I just had him
on. Oh, that sucks. No, he's normal. He's not
even close. He's husky. Every time I see him,
it's still like, oh, I remember the old you.
So every time it's like, oh. Well, he's nowhere
near the old him. Well, he's Hot Bobby. What?
Hot Bobby. No, I remember the fat Bobby. And
you haven't seen him in like two months. You're
like, oh, right. Well, I met Bobby when he was
like 20. Oh, that was Hot Bobby. Yeah, I met
Hot Bobby. He looked Puerto Rican. Full head
of hair. Oh, yeah. He was with Alan the Monkeys.
Alan the Monkeys was like a comedy troupe. And
Dane Cook was the main guy. Oh, really? He doesn't
look any fatter. Yes. So this video of him falling
down. Oh, no. Oh, no. What the fuck? Oh, no,
man. It's like zero. He's tangled up in a seizure?
He's like a Mr. Bean sketch. I'm still going
to try to work out, this idiot. That's what you
have to do. I'm okay. He's really heavily dressed.
He's got a beanie on. Yeah, he's got the beanie
on. Oh, that's bad. Right there. I think I'm...
Oh, shit. Oh, it's a lot of weight. Oh, fuck.
It's like Rowan Atkinson. But he had the wherewithal
to not let go of the weight so it didn't fall
on his fucking head. It's like Pelosi and the
drink. He didn't let it go. He's still holding
it. Yeah, that's what kept him alive. Humping
that machine, though. That's a fucking five -pound
weight. No, no, he would have died. That weighs
25 pounds. Poor guy. What was he doing? That's
a 25. He was trying to do decline bench press.
It's a tough move. Why the fuck would he be doing
decline bench press? Because he's been working
out. He wants to mix it up. He wants to do some
of these. He needs some fucking kettlebells in
his life. A decline? He keeps going. He does
it in a second. Keep going. He does it. Once
he gets up, he does it. This keeps you funny,
though. If he was killing this, he wouldn't be
as funny. He's still trying to do it. All right,
those are eight -pound weights. This is my grandmother
with cancer who does this. Can we zoom in on
the weight? What are we doing here? Intensify.
Yeah, enhance. There's two numbers there. Quadrant
G3, enhance. I think it says 6 .0. 6 .0? You
guys see, first he goes to the plates, and he
goes, actually, nah. You know what, dude? Look,
he's looking at those plates. He goes, we're
not going to do that. You know what, dude? I'll
pick up these dens, do a little of this. He's
so lucky he's in the room. Are you going to show
it again, you piece of shit? One more time. One
more time. Thankfully, Bobby's been nice to all
of us. He needs a trainer. By the way, he's an
asshole to all of us, so fuck him. He just needs
a trainer. He's never an asshole to me. Yeah,
that's different. But I've known him forever.
I've known him forever. I've known him since
he was a... He has a problem with all these tall
guys over five ages. Is that the issue? Yeah.
Well, he was confident when you knew him. Newer
than him. Yeah. Yeah. I've known that guy forever.
First time I met him, he was like, fuck it, I
don't like your confidence, you asshole. Yeah.
He's always like, welcome to the comedy scene.
He's a comedian. Glad to have you. It's out of
love. You're a piece of shit. He's talking shit.
But he's always like, you youngsters. I'm like,
Ari's 51. Yeah. On a good day. I'm older than
your kid. He's like boss. Yeah, boss. He's like,
you're a middle. I'm like, I'm doing better than
you. What is this? Bunch of fucking middles.
Yeah. Well, some guys you stay a middle forever.
That's it. That's true. Yeah, that was Boston.
That's true. In Boston. He's a fucking middle
act. How's he doing good? He's in an arena. He's
in an arena, man. Of all the things we just said
about Bobby that he'll be mad at, me saying he's
like Voss is going to be the one. Voss is awesome.
Voss is hilarious. I meant he's like Voss when
it comes to talking shit. Oh, yeah. And when
you're new and you show up, Voss will be the
first guy to be like, look at you, you dumbass.
What are you doing here? But that's true. And
it's out of love. It's both of them out of love.
It's also like seeing if you can hang. Yeah.
Right. Are you going to get upset? Someone talk
shit about you? Come on. We're having fun. So
many people have told me Voss was mean. No. And
it's like he's the nicest dude possible. Sweet
guy. Listen, this is one of the best things that
can ever happen is you bomb and then you hang
out with your friends. Yeah. And you go, oh,
my God, I just ate dick. Like, bro, what the
fuck happened to you up there? And then you're
laughing. You feel terrible, but at least everybody's
laughing and you're having a good time and busting
each other's balls. Bro, I watched 15 people
walk out. No. Yeah, there's people walking out
shaking their head. That was funny. That was
fucking hot death, dude. What happened? Montgomery
tried to do that to me the other night at the
Mother's. I got off stage and I was like, you
know, I always do. This time I meant it because
I actually did do very bad. I was like, fuck,
I sucked up there. And he was like, yeah, what
was that? As soon as he said that, I was like,
you fucking worry about you, motherfucker. Don't
worry about me. Are you ready to fight? All right.
I went in there talking. I said to myself, the
second somebody else was like, yeah, that sucked,
I was like, don't ever worry about what I'm doing.
And he was like, God, I'll never do that again.
William, you never know. Are we in a play together?
Like, are we having a real conversation or are
we going to play? I know, right? How you doing?
Right? You're like, I don't know, man. I guess
we're playing along. Yeah, what was that? I got
a free bear claw from a dumpster. I don't know
where to go. Okay. I went too hard on him. I
feel bad about it. Well, he was the best. He
was the best. He murdered last night on Kill
Tony. I mean, fucking murdered. Fresh minute.
Does a fresh minute every week. All right, he's
got a minute. That style, it's like he could
write about anything. His style, and if you know
who he is, he's so ridiculous. It's one of those
things like Hedberg. When Mitch Hedberg would
go on after a rapper, they would put him on after
a comedy rap, and it would be death. But once
people figured out it was Mitch Hedberg and he
got appropriate opening acts, then people came
to see it. They knew it, bro. Like typical down
-the -line comedy, and they're like, not this
weirdo. Some guys would play music, and they
would have funny songs. They'd close with that,
and then they'd have Hedberg go up. Man, Hedberg
was great. He'd go on Letterman, and a joke would
bomb, and you'd go, I'm aware that joke is stupid.
Which you never saw on Late Night. It was so
polished. Yeah. My mom loves those applause breaks.
Mitzi, she gave him two spots once. He was going
to be in town. She gave him two spots, and then
somebody called in, whoever, and she was like,
oh, cancel that new guy. And I was working the
phones like, comedy hero? You want me to cancel
him? And they're like, yeah, call that Hedberg
guy and tell him he's got one less spot. Whoa.
Hey, I'm sorry. I know we had two spots for you.
So Tuesday's out. Fucking Jeremy Dingle called
in. For who? Somebody that she liked at the time.
Whoever it was. I don't know. It didn't matter.
It was like, the fucking headband's going to
do a spot! Let me do a spot! Was her finger that
far off the pulse? Yeah. Very far. Yeah, by the
night. She hit Louie, she hit Seinfeld at the
time. No, it wasn't just that. She didn't know
about anything that was going on outside the
store, nor did she give a fuck. But she seemed
kind of like a gimmick. She seemed like a gimmick?
She seemed to like a gimmick. She would have
liked him then. Yeah, she had some wacky ideas
about selling sitcoms, and she wanted comics.
But that was what was going on back in the day.
So you've got to imagine, that's why the Comedy
Store has podcasts now. Why? Because we all started
podcasts. The podcasts got huge. So back in the
day, the Comedy Store was seeing all these comics
developing and getting sitcoms, all the way from
Chico and the Man with Freddie Prinze. He was
the first comic to get a fucking sitcom. And
then Sanford and Son was that along that time
with Red Fox. And then it was, of course, Roseanne
and Tim Allen and Seinfeld and Brett Butler.
So that was the formula. Everybody wanted to
get a fucking sitcom. So Mincy had these ideas
of developing sitcoms. So she created these characters.
You should be this guy. Right. She named Mincy.
She named him. What do you mean named him? Named
him. That's not his name. She told him that.
She called himself. Wow. She was right. Yeah,
she was right. But it was not just that. It was
a bunch of different things. She wanted people
to do things. There's not as bad as some comedy
club owners had terrible fucking suggestions.
What are you doing over there, Ari? Ari's playing
grab. I was just trying to kiss me or something.
Kiss. My buddy opened for Gallagher, and he was
Joe List. And Gallagher was like, you're tall.
You should do a whole basketball thing. You should
come on stage with a basketball and then dunk
it and then do your act. And List was like, I'm
not going to do that. There's so many times.
Kid Rock will hit you with advice. He was hitting
me. He was like, you dress like shit up there.
You should be wearing a suit and a bow tie like
Sinatra, like those guys used. You could really
separate yourself. Yeah, I like it. I'm thinking
he's right. I'll never do that. I'm thinking
he's right. I'm thinking you with a bow tie.
He was the first to FaceTime me after SNL to
be like, dude, he FaceTimed me and was like,
how do you think you did? I hate that question.
And I was like, are you calling me to tell me
I fucking bombed you, dickhead? I fucking hung
up on him. Yeah, good. How do you think you did?
He was fucking with me. He's funny, but... How
do you think you did? He wanted me to own the
libs, dude. Yeah, you should get a bow tie, though.
He was right about that. He was like, that was
pussy shit. He was like, you should have went
all day. He said retarded. He said gay. No, no,
I know, but for him, that's... He saw my stand
-up show and was like, you're not going hard
enough. Oh, wow. You need to say, like, the N
-word. I don't know. That wasn't his actual note,
for the record. Sure. All right. He'll get rowdy,
though. We haven't done this since you did SNL.
Oh, yeah. We did. We don't need to. Actually,
I don't think we did. I don't think we did. No,
that was before. Oh. Any nuggets behind the scenes
that no one knows? You know, Green Room and podcasts
spill over so much. I don't know. It was so weird.
It's such a fucking corporate thing. You got
in there finally. I liked it. What a completion
of a storyline. Yeah, it was fun. I know, but
it seems like a fun night. It is a fun night.
Just to do the sketches and fuck around at the
party. My family was there. The party kind of
sucks when you're the... I've been to the party
a bunch of times and it's great. Yeah. Sometimes.
It sucked even knowing the guy. We're like, hey,
we're going to... Say goodbye to another fucking
person so we can go drink. The whole time I just
had to say hello, thank you, goodbye to every
single person that was there. It was like a wedding.
It was exactly like a wedding. Did it feel like
a rite of passage? What did it feel like for
you? It's a cool win. It's a cool closing on
the story. I think it's nice for that. I mean,
obviously, it just brought the story back up
again. But you were defended quite a bit. But
it was also, it's like, honestly, this was like
them saying sorry. Yeah, exactly. That's cool.
That's what it was. Admission of guilt. It was
the closest they can come to an admission of
guilt. Yes. Which is what it was. Here's the
thing. We had to do that. We had to. Here's the
thing. It's an acknowledgement of talent. It's
like recognizing, hey, this guy might be one
of the biggest comics ever. and it's happening
right now, and we should probably get back on
board. Yeah, exactly. Dude, before it's too late.
Don't go 20 years. I also took it. I agree, but
it's annoying with the cancel shit, because they
go, he's doing great. What are you talking about?
You're like, well, he's also a good comic who
worked his way up and has a sketch show and all
this other shit and sells a ton of tickets. So
they have to acknowledge it. Yeah, but that's
the thing. Isn't that always the goal, just to
become undeniable? Sure. Yeah, but if you were
doing that well and not doing well nationally,
they wouldn't be like, no. He still deserves
an apology if he wasn't doing as well. Exactly,
exactly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, if I suck, they were right. Listen, listen,
listen, listen. I'm not saying you suck, but
I'm saying if you're not huge, you still got
fucked. It's better for everybody if they don't
say the words. It's better for everybody. Everybody
knows the truth, but it's better for everybody
if they don't say the words. Okay, this guy rules.
Let's have him back. Because it also keeps them
silly. They stay silly. What do you mean silly?
You stay silly. You stay ridiculous. You stay
like you've made ridiculous decisions. Oh, I
see. And you've got kind of a ridiculous enterprise.
You stay ridiculous. You stay ridiculous enterprise.
Yeah, that's what it is. The worst starship ever.
You've got this thing. You're trying to be the
fastest runner and you're wearing 150 pounds
on your back. And you had a fast runner and you
dropped him. Yeah. It's like stay ridiculous.
Don't apologize. Stay on the course. It's better
for Gillian Key. a song around a piano oh no
I agree I just get annoyed yeah look I thought
it was a nice I thought it was nice yeah I think
it's good like if we're gonna talk about all
the like culture shit I think it's cool they
brought me back and it's cool I said yes I think
it's a nice moment for everybody. Because you
don't want to be a guy that's like, fuck everybody
that said fuck me. Yeah, exactly. I don't want
to do that. It's like, can we just stop? And
that's what they offered the fucking olive branch.
They were the ones who were like. They should.
It's great. And they should. They did the right
thing. They did the right thing. Because most
people would just be like, that person forever
that I hated once. And you're like. No, they
did the cool thing. Everybody there was cool.
They see where the tide is going. It's just you.
Steer into the weight. And also, they got caught
up in it. They got caught up in it. Everybody
did. Everybody did. They got caught up in it,
and so I don't have any problem with that. Don't
you think that shit is just less effective now?
100%. I know. TMZ tried to do a whole thing on
him. That was wonderful. I read every single
tweet about it because I'm a psycho, and it was
like, I like him even more now. Bigger fan. That's
hilarious. Thanks for this. This is a great clip.
TMZ knew what they were doing. There was another
one, too, with an Asian comic. How do you feel
about this? TMZ didn't care at all. It's just
promotion. They got fucking... What's his name?
They got... Corky. Corky? No. Corky from Life
Goes On? Yeah, they interviewed him about my...
TMZ got him. That's a... No way. He's not alive?
Corky was like... That was fine, dude. We're
human. We're allowed to be made fun of. It was
like, hell yeah, Corky. That's going to be a
sketch. Get Corky on. Corky from Life Goes On
is still around. I'm saying Corky is going strong.
He's chugging along. He's a go -getter, that
kid. Yeah, right, Corky. Big -headed weirdo.
He had his own show. That's right. Corky's a
beast, dude. Yeah. That show was the wildest
thing. They put a guy with Down syndrome at the
star of a show. Oh, yeah. Quite a noggin. He's
not a – he's – Very high functioning. He's still
the reference. That's how powerful a role is.
He's still the reference to reference. He's,
yeah. Of like Down syndrome. I don't want to
get going. Well, Billy Elliot's in there. Don't
get going. I don't want to get going on it. Don't
get going. If he's faking. No, no, no. I'm saying,
I'm saying. You're saying on the record he's
faking. There's a thing with, whatever. People
with Down syndrome can have higher, significantly,
they have regular IQs. A lot of the time. And
huge dicks. But you know the, you know the Louie.
mantra or whatever is like they burn your house
down you build a couple twigs and leaves with
a house and they go he's got a house yeah yeah
you're like well i had a mansion and now i'm
living in a twig hut all right they're not happy
unless that's my point i hear yeah but what do
you choose to focus on it's great he did snl
no there's no no no the truth that is true though
it was a That was like a thing that I was worried
about was I was like, I should say something
in the monologue. No, I'm not saying that. No,
but the idea is that because I'm hosting, they're
going to go, see? Right. We didn't do anything
wrong. No, you did the right thing. Right. We
didn't do anything wrong. Look, he's doing fine.
But that was funny. Don't look that up, please.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was funny. I was like,
we got to make it quick. Great way to address
it in a sentence. It was perfect. It was a perfect
way to handle it. You used to have a great joke
at that New Jersey room. Boat. being like a waitress
because where do I know you oh dude at a time
because you were like the topic of conversation
every single time someone would be like I'd see
like for real it would always be like an Asian
woman would come up to me and be like you were
really funny what was your name can I look you
up and I'd be like please don't literally if
you looked me up the first thing would be like
hates Asians damn the headline oh man that's
not true at all yeah I get to watch them go You
said there was a way. She was like, hey, that
was so funny. Where do I know you from? You're
like, I've been here before. She goes, no. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. I was trying so hard. I was like,
I've been somewhere. I think I've been here.
We probably hung out. Well, Yang likes you. Yang's
the bro. I love Yang. Ron Yang's a good guy.
Ron Yang, David Taylor's old friend. Yin Yang
twins. Whatever. We don't need to discuss this.
What else is going on? Congratulations. What's
going on? You're always getting yelled at. What
did you do this time? You must be in trouble.
It's been a week. No, I think it's been 10 minutes.
It's been 10 minutes. I find if you stay offline.
That's the key. If you don't see it, it doesn't
exist. Wait, do you have a new one? I don't even
know about this one. No, nothing at all. No,
I just got there. I've just reached not online.
Yeah. You're not online? I'm not online. Good
for you. SNL knocked me out of it. This special,
when I put out my Netflix special, I deleted
Twitter. Twitter's evil. And then I deleted Reddit
because I was reading those comments. Reddit's
really evil. Every once in a while I'll slip
back into that. You have the app? Since SNL I've
been way off because I know. You don't want to.
I try to tell everybody. A lot of people are
saying I suck. For sure. Listen, there's going
to be a bunch of people that think everything
sucks. You're dealing with giant numbers. When
you're dealing with giant numbers, each individual
seems significant. Even if they're fucking morons
you never want to talk to. Beethoven's Symphony
has bad. Comments. I bet it does. On YouTube.
I bet it does. Telling you right now. We should
wait until he's 10. That's very funny. It does.
That's really funny. Shit was whack. Yeah. Boring.
Play more Drake. You can't be focused on that.
For real, Drake is better than Beethoven. Great
dick. More hits than Beethoven. This is why it
doesn't work. You've got to think of it in a
numbers way. So the human brain is designed to
recognize threats and problems. When everything's
great, you don't think about it. So if you have
10 positive people, Shane, you're the fucking
man, that's great. One guy goes, this guy's lame
as fuck, tired of this kind of act, so fucking
whatever. Take it easy, take it easy. Say a bunch
of shit. See what I'm saying? So that one stands
out. You got nine people that think you're awesome,
one douchebag thinks you suck. And now when you
scale that up to millions and millions of people,
and who's writing comments? The majority of them
are disgruntled people that are unhappy with
their position in life. You think Toothpaste
feels that way when they're like, who the fuck
was that one dentist? The one out of ten? Oh,
yeah. One guy won't recommend me? After all I've
done for you? What else do I have to show you?
Also, I know what you're doing right now, and
I appreciate it. Game recognize game. You drink
one, motherfucker. I'm drinking them. I've been
drinking them. No, you're not. You guys got to
catch up. I feel like the pod just got started.
The pod did just start, and we're all... Well,
that mushroom chocolate's not fucking around.
Allegedly. Has it kicked in? Oh, yeah. Allegedly.
It's fun. at the screen anymore. It's too wavy.
Boy, imagine if they didn't make all that stuff
illegal. They didn't do the Manson thing and
they just let psychedelics roam. Marilyn? No,
the other one. That one, too. That one, too.
I mean, Charles. He's in trouble. That one, too.
They whacked her, too. They definitely whacked
her, right? Who? I was talking about Marilyn
Manson. She's annoying. She's annoying. She's
annoying. Jesus Christ, Ari. Damn, damn. Jesus
Christ, Ari. Looks like my bed. There's so many
fucking amazing visual artists. No, I'm saying
they got rid of her. She's bothering us. Let's
get rid of her. Oh, that's exactly what it was.
Yeah. She apparently was talking, and she banged
both of them. She banged both brothers. Two candidates?
Yeah, Bobby and JFK. Do you think the second
one was on recommendation from the first? Probably
get her off of this back. You've got to fuck
my brother. If you fuck my brother. You thought
this was good. Wait until you have Bobby's cock.
Marilyn, you're too fucking crazy for me. I've
got to run a country. If you think I failed you.
That's not what you can do for me. That's what
you can do for my brother. The mob and the CIA
are trying to kill me. I don't have time for
your nonsense. Why? Some say. come on the face
do you think that one brother's watching her
at the whatever the inauguration was when she's
sitting in front of the wife and the other brother's
looking at his brother's going Either way, she
took a shot in the face, too. Can you imagine
you're the president, and you're banging everybody,
and everybody knows, but nobody talks about it?
No one talked about it. That was the world back
then. That was the world back then. Yeah, it
was just guys being bros, dude. Just being bros.
Everyone was being bros. No one was being bros.
What I said earlier, I think, has merit to it.
Like, who do you want? Do you want the warmonger
or the pussyhound? At least he's not fucking
you over. I don't want war. All he's doing is
fucking the chick from Barbie or whatever. Yeah.
Just keep him pussified. Jesus Christ, Marilyn.
She looks old in the face. Good Lord. Shut your
mouth, Ari. You're such a fucking... What's that
on the side? She's making a face. She's probably
spitting out her gum before she eats a cock.
She's got a better picture. That poor lady been
through a lot. That's a better picture. Oh, wow.
Machi, Hachi. She was called Hachi. God, look
at that 25 -year -old. You got a normal Christian
25 -year -old to the left. Who was the playwright?
She married some - Tennessee Williams. Yeah.
No. Wait, what? Joe DiMaggio. What did you say?
Tennessee Williams? Tennessee Williams was a
playwright. That's the first one I thought of.
Yeah, she married DiMaggio, and DiMaggio would
put flowers on her grave. Arthur Miller. Arthur
Miller. Yeah, the DiMaggio one was rough. Why?
Because he put flowers on her grave. He loved
the babe, dude. He loved her. And this was like,
wow. Wasn't it like the overlap between Kennedy
and DiMaggio? A little overlap. Oh, yeah. That's
a good. She was fucking killing it. High level
dick. She was killing it. Look at that. That
guy's ugly. Arthur Miller. Look at this fucking.
The Jew got some. He looks like the guy from
The Wire. He got a lot. Oh, yeah. He didn't get
a little. Like Nolte. Yeah, he got a lot. He
married her then. There he looks like Friedland.
Wow. Women like that. Women like that, they're
just a drug. Yeah. drug. It's fucking John McAfee's
meth. Yeah. That's what it is. And you get a
piece of that. Look at this dumb fucking bitch
at every fucking high level fucking art. How
dare you? How much of writers are meeting up?
And it's like, hey, Miller, you brought your
dumb fucking bitch. Don't be. I hate when you're
sexist. I don't think she was dumb. And misogynistic.
Oh, yeah. She was a fucking high level novelist.
She had a crazy IQ. Higher IQ than Einstein.
No way. Give it a go. There is literally zero
shot on her that that's actually true. Let's
bet. I'll bet you a million dollars. I'm sure
it's on the internet. There's no way she had
a million dollars. Slow down, SNL. Five. Five
bucks. Five bucks is respectable. 20. 20. 20.
That's an SNL paycheck. 20? Whatever you got.
For the record. Mad TV paid more. Oh, my God.
I think she had a higher... Guess how much money
you get paid to host SNL. How much? 1 ,300. 50
grand. 1 ,700. 50 grand. $5 ,000. Oh. More than
I thought. Isn't that wild? Dude, we raided 21
Jump Street's fucking dressing room afterwards.
Five grand for a week of work. We rented 21 Savages.
Unless they just fucked me again. Five grand?
Wouldn't it have to be like a million? Five grand.
Wait, so what does 21 get? Musical guests. You
might get 10. You get more? They don't have to
do any work. You got a little more. 21's the
man, by the way. Listen, if Saturday Night Live
bounces back, if that is what, like, the first
step and then bouncing back and having more wild
shit. Who? Big month for whites. It went fucking
guys saying gay and retard to massive, awesome
tits are back. I don't know who that is. You
don't know Sidney Sweeney? She's Marilyn Monroe.
You've seen her. You sure have seen her. She's
Marilyn Monroe. Let me see her. That's John McAfee's
meth. Yeah. That's why she's at the party, Ari,
you piece of shit. Well, the 90s are coming back.
He brought meth. Funny guys. He's like, hey,
everyone can get a gland of gander. He's going
to bring her wherever the fuck she wants to go.
Timeless. There she is. Wow. Ample bosom. Congratulations
to her genetics. I love when you see a story
like that. She addresses those Glenn Powell rumors,
and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking
about. Well, someone wrote a monologue for Ari.
She's got to talk about some things that are
in the news. It's probably not really her act.
Ari's like, her act sucks. She knows who Glenn
Powell is. The tragic truth about Marilyn Monroe's
concealed intelligence. Thank you. Dear fame,
a lot of how Marilyn Monroe acted for the cameras
as behind the scenes. A lying lady. It is said
that she was a star brilliant with a high IQ.
There you go. But it doesn't say it's higher
than Einstein. Higher than Albert Einstein. It's
unproven, but it does say that it was as high
as 168. Einstein was... 157. Was he 160? No,
I know this is an urban... Okay, but hold on.
It says some believe. Oh. I believe that she
was an alien. Some believe different. Illegal?
I don't know where the evidence is. I don't know
if either of them can test. It's a tweet. It
has to be real. It's verified. Does it have community
notes? If not, shut the fuck up, Jamie. All right,
that's a wash. No, it's not. You owe me $5. I'm
more proven than you. I'm just certain that that's
not true. Isn't that what community notes is
for? I can't go with that. How come there's no
community notes on that statement? You have to.
Well, can we amplify it? Speaking of which, Ari
went to the migrant meeting. Oh yeah, I went
to the meeting with all the migrants in my neighborhood.
What to do with them? What'd you do? What'd you
say? I said kill them. You say, hey, we got some
fucking tunnels here. What's the meeting like?
Is it like fucking in someone's basement? No,
it's in a community center. Of course you went
to a fucking community center, dude. Protect
our community. Oh, that whole line around the
neighborhood? Of, like, new migrants? Well, if
it isn't... They're going to piss in the bushes,
so we either got to raise... They all sound like
me. They either got to raise money for porta
-potties or they're fucking pissing in the bushes.
We got to figure it out. Well, your park went
to hell, so the community's fucked. Guess what?
Porta -potties are gross. They're going to keep
pissing in the bushes. No, they'll piss in them
if we tell them to piss in... If we get them
that, but they're not going to get it to them.
Yeah, but they're not going to regular porta
-potties. They're going to want, like, a good
one that you can sit down in with a little sink
in it. They'd rather go behind. Or a portable
bathroom. These aren't homeless people. Porta
-potties are just a hole with a fucking blue
water in it. It's disgusting. You ever look down
that? In London, they do it. They set up porta
-potties. All the drunks, instead of pissing
in the park, they'll piss on the nose. They still
do it. Do they? Most of them. But a few dudes
pee on trees, right? That's why I set them up.
They're like, hey, don't be an animal. Fucking
piss in these that we set up so we can have the
trees tomorrow when you're sober. No, I don't
think your piss kills trees. No, I don't think
so. It kills bushes. No way. It does? It does.
No way. I'll tell you what. If 200 people a night
fucking piss in them? Listen to me. Dog piss
kills your lawn. Yeah, it does for sure. Yeah,
man. Dogs. What? Girl dogs just squat and pee.
Boy dogs want to mark. So boy dogs piss on things,
but girl dogs just squat. So they leave these
little dark puddles in your lawn. It kills the
grass. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't drink
girl dog pee. Wait a minute. That's my advice.
Well, wouldn't the forest be ruined by like...
Animal piss? It's a good question. It's a good
question. There's a lot of squirrels. Yeah, so
much vegetation. There's a lot of stuff to piss
on. I think grass is pretty unnatural as it is.
Maybe it's just the grass. But they're always
putting the things around the trees. Don't let
dogs and pisses kill the tree. What's that, Jamie?
In the UK, they have urine deflectors everywhere
because people pee all over the buildings. They
set up porta -potties. Look at the porta -potties
in the parks. Urine deflectors. What's a deflector?
So it won't catch in a corner. Forever. Oh, so
you can't piss on it because it'll splatter on
you. Yeah. So just step back. Or no, or it just
won't gather in a corner. You ever drank piss?
It's pretty wild. So they just assume people
are going to pee on that, or they're stopping
people from peeing on it? No, they can't get
underneath the piss up. So if they're going to
pee, let it drip away from the fucking crevices.
Should have put that on the R. Kelly chicks.
How weird. Remember when we were talking about
there was just pee and poop everywhere in the
1700s? Oh, yeah. Everyone was just shitting everywhere.
Running the streets. He was just shitting everywhere.
Yeah. Pre -plumbing. They said they're having
a problem with some people that come from other
places to new cities where they just still decide
to shit on the ground. Because they don't know
the dip. They don't know the thing. They've been
doing it their whole life. It's like, I don't
care. I'm just going to shit. I have to shit.
I'm not going to go to some little closet that
smells awful when I get to shit right here. I
see human shit in New York all the time. All
the time. You can tell. You can tell. It's unsettling
because you're like, damn it. That's a fucking
person one. I know. Old school public. Urinal.
Whoa. It's kind of pretty. It looks like you're
praying to the Lord of Piss. Yeah. Doesn't it?
They just go in there and piss on a wall. It's
so well made. Isn't that incredible? Look at
the artwork involved. I know. What craftsmen
we had back then. Dude, I would love those right
now. You're out in New York and there's a place
that's three quarters enclosed to go in and piss
on a wall. Look how beautiful that looks. Beautiful.
That's a vintage public urinal in Paris. Amazing.
Bro, we're looking at... Look how beautiful these
public urinals used to be. Pissoir. Pissoir.
Look at the other ones, though. Show Shane the
other ones that you showed, the New York City
one. Oh, look at that one right there. Really
cool. Look at that one. That's in Paris. That's
insane. But show the whole thing so you can see
the top. Look how beautiful that fucking thing
is. It's like a subway entrance. But isn't that
amazing, like the craftsmanship they have? For
that. Standard. Some guy got hired. Big bucks
to do that. And they had little ads on the side.
What was that ad for? Is that like a price, though?
15. To use it? Minutes? I'm sure you can get
blown in there as well. Is that what it says?
What does MTS, what does it say? Ah, 15. Bonjour,
you must pay. Digestive depository is what this
is. Oh, interesting. Is that below it where it
says, is that a price? No, it says water closet
A15. I don't know. Do you have to pay to use
it? Because that would be nice. Probably do.
What does A15 mean? It could be minutes. Close
the door because the dogs really want to get
in here. So you get 15 minutes? 1875. All the
New York subway bathrooms had to be locked up.
They still have that, though, now. Those, like,
public bathrooms. But don't they have, like,
the National Guard on the subway now or something?
Yeah, it's bad. The lady got stabbed. There was
a shooting. Good times. Bro, what is New York
City doing? I don't know. It's getting wacky.
That whole letting everybody in thing is just
crazy. I think this is what it said. I think
that might have been 15 minutes. People started
using them as places to talk for private conversations.
Without the Nazis finding out. Without the Nazis
finding out. Come on in here while I take a shit.
Yeah. I'm going to tell you how we're planning
the rebellion. Unisex. Enclosed, automatically
self -cleaning unit. Oh, 1980. Yeah, in 1980,
they were replaced systematically. 1980. Wow.
Had a good run. 1980. 100 years, 105. Dude, it
seems like the 80s are so recent. But if you
had to go back and live back then, when I grew
up, you were in a different world. You left the
house, you were gone. No one knew where you were.
There was two pictures of you. One when you were
like, one when you were 10. No one has real evidence
that you were ever alive. You just, people would
vanish. I think about that a lot when I'm laying
in bed. I think about my parents in the 80s and
the 90s. You just go out to dinner. You go to
a friend's house. You skateboard all day. You
bike ride. You don't know where anybody is. It
was nice. It's way better. You didn't think about
it. When I grew up, people would open the window
and yell for their kids. Yes. They would yell,
Bobby! Get home! Bobby! That's great. This is
wild. But now people would tweet and go, this
mom is a little aggressive, she's a little controlling.
Oh, yeah, the homeowners association. Exactly.
They all gather and kick that peep. When I was
a kid, I lived in San Francisco, and then we
moved to Florida, and then we moved to Boston.
We moved to Boston. We moved to a place called
Jamaica Plain. Jamaica Plain was rough back then.
We didn't have any money. And our next -door
neighbors were in a punk band. And the fucking
entire basement they converted to a session place.
And so they had carpet, like seven, eight layers
of carpet. That was their own sound deadening.
And it was so loud. Didn't we look them up once?
It was Alice in Chains. Death in the Shopping
Mall. Oh, okay. I remember the other song, My
Baby is a Mutant. Oh, you know this music? Oh,
yeah. I could never sleep to it. I heard them
sing it 150 times. Wow. Were they any good? They're
pretty good if you're into that kind of music.
And I would go down. They let me watch them perform,
watch them rehearse. I was like eight. Damn.
It was pretty cool. No, I guess I wasn't eight.
No, I was 13. Because that was Boston. Yeah,
I was thinking San Francisco. But that was Boston.
And so these people were, like, they recorded
this. There's a video, I think, that's available
on YouTube, or at least the song's available
on YouTube. It's a different time. We built this
mini ramp in my backyard, and every kid in the
neighborhood would use it. There it is. These
are the guys. Oh, look at that. What's that,
Jamie? Not the song you asked for, but I found
the... Oh, they're working. Oh, it's another
one. Man on a Tightrope. They got 2 ,000 views?
That's probably all. You can't play it. We're
going to get copyrighted by then. One second.
That's what you're allowed to? You can check
for one second. Did you ever go over and knock
on the door and go, hey, quiet down a little
bit? No. Nobody did that back then. It was just
a weird time if you consider how people grow
up today. If you grow up today, you're growing
up in the weirdest time. I know. It's fucked.
It's kind of fucked. Ever. But it's like every
civilization has had to deal with that. When
they invented the printing press, when they invented
cars, when they invented airplanes, every generation
has had to deal with some new weirdness. I told
you to get the fucking eagle beer bong. Oh, shit.
It might be early. I got to pee. All right. Behind
the microwave. Dude, those dogs. I saw it, and
I was like, no. And then I got in here, and I
was like, damn, I should have got it. We're only
an hour in. We can't play the America Fuck Yeah
song. We can sing it. Why? Because we'll get
copyrighted. I'm sure there's a copy on the internet.
Can't you reach out to us? We can just sing.
It doesn't have a... It's a group. I think we
can sing it. America. We gotta get it. We'll
say hell yeah. America. America. Fuck yeah. Come
and sing to save the motherfucking day. Yeah,
America. Fuck yeah. Can we get in trouble for
that? Freedom is the only way. Jamie, can we
get in trouble for that? I don't know. Jamie.
I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. Why are you just
reaching out to us? I'm not a lawyer. No, we're
allowed to sing it. Bitches. Click my button.
Suck on my button. Doesn't Kid Rock own all his
music? I don't know. We should call him. If we
asked him if we could use American Badass, that's
just as ridiculous and awesome. Wait, so we're
not allowed to have fun and use music anymore?
What did you guys sign? I know, right? It's just
being on YouTube again. Damn. Let's go back to
4chan. Why can't we play Spotify music? That's
what I'm saying. Because it goes on YouTube.
We're also the YouTube users. Just bleep it out
for them. No, you can't do that. You probably
could. Yeah, I probably could way easily. Who
needs a radio when I can say, mock. Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Burr. Yeah. Burr. Yeah. I think that's
a copyright. That's all right. We can come up
with our own stuff. I guess that's what we're
supposed to do. Yeah, we can come up with our
own songs. There you go. Urgot callback. That's
big. He cuts a callback. Did he dive? Did the
action fall? They took a pratfall. What if he
unhooked us? Larry David. What if he disconnected
us? Mark. What the fuck, Mark? So what's going
on with you guys now that Mark's gone? I'm tired
of all his quips. He needs to get more fucked
up. He has no quips. He's always ready. We're
trying to build a quilt. He's not doing it there.
It just hasn't presented itself. Don't force
the genius. He left the doors open. He left the
doors open. That's Carl and Ben. He left the
doors open. Bye, man. Mark. Ben is trying to
sneak in. Dude, you get outside that door and
there's fucking two dogs. Ben, it came into her
daddy. The dogs are in. He wanted to hold Carl
so badly. But will Bandit fuck things up? She's
cool. Hey, Bandit. She's not relaxed. I've seen
her chew cords. Shut up, dude. She does not.
He's trying to cause trouble. Does she chew cords?
Never once ever. Has she been around cords? What?
She's been here, but only for a brief period
of time. This is a good dog. She's a suck. This
is a good dog. She wants her daddy. She does.
We got a little tongue action. We got a little
hot tongue action. Don't kiss the dog. When Ari
was inside before, she was sitting outside the
door, just sitting, staring up at the door, knowing
that he was in that room. It is a cute dog, but
it is autistic. Yeah. Why say that? She's going
for Bud Light. It's just one of those dogs. It's
not a dog. It's more of a cat. Just staring.
It's not like a fun. It's a quiet, weird. You
know what I mean? It's a skinnish dog. It's not
skinnish. It's a lap dog. She doesn't like fireworks.
That's literally every dog that doesn't like
fireworks. My dog doesn't like fireworks. No,
but look at her. It's quiet. It just walks around.
It's weird, dude. It's a very serious dog. She
is serious. She's a sad girl. She's a solemn
dog. She's a sad girl. If you're trying to insult
her, it won't work. She is awesome. I'm not insulting
her. I'm just saying that you guys know these
types of dogs. You've seen these types of dogs.
Solemn. Solemn. Something has. Solemn. Solemn.
Solemn. Solemn. Serious. You left the fucking
doors open. Oh, the dog? get in? Somehow. God
damn it, Mark. Anybody want cigars? Cigars! Cigars!
I'm okay, thank you. It's a whole new foundation
delivery. Hell yeah. Get some freshies. Are both
dogs in here or just one? Both of them are in
here. I know, are these gay dogs here? I know,
right? Trying to have a good time with your gay
dog. Ruining everything. Bandana on this dog.
Is it blood? Yo, shit, guys. Because he's in
the West, bro. He's in Texas. He's in Texas.
Obviously, he's got a fucking bandana on. It
went green last week. Why did it have green on?
For the environment? Because of your people.
Oh, nice. Up the IRA. Up the IRA. By the way,
up the IRA. Free Palestine. Try it. They love
Palestine, those mix. They really do. Well, everybody
loves the underdog, and when you were the underdog
forever. They've been through it. Yeah, the inwards
of Europe. I mean, they literally, it's very
similar. Bro, when I went to Northern Ireland
and I saw the fucking cars, the police cars that
are to this day armored with big steel plates
all around them because of the IRA bombs. Oh,
you found it. We need headphones. Otherwise,
we're going to talk over each other, and it's
going to be very annoying. You have to have headphones,
Ari. You particularly. You. And everyone. And
literally everyone else. No, I was doing worse.
All three of us. Ari just has disjointed offhand
conversations. The thing is, when you're listening,
it's so hard. I know we're having a good time.
I'm telling you, it was worse earlier. Yeah,
it was bad at one point. First hour was rough.
I never take the headphones off. I was like,
well, we'll find our groove. Ah, damn. I took
them off. I had them on in the beginning, and
it made me feel bad because we were talking over
each other. With them on. On. Everybody had them
on. We all had them on. It's because of you,
Ari. You do. Literally no one had them on. No.
We all did, and then you ruined it. Is this supposed
to look like you? Ari, you're a destroyer of
worlds. America. Yeah, you fucking hebe. All
right. Going back in. Ari, you're next for Saturday
Night Live. I went there a couple years ago,
and Che was giving me a tour. It was pretty cool.
Were you allowed on the premises? And he goes,
if you go in the back way, I was like, can I
go back there and see what's there? He was like,
yeah, there's nothing there. And I'm like, can
I walk through the doors? He goes, yeah, but
there's a superstition that if you walk through
before you're actually hosting, you'll never
host. And I just looked down for like five seconds,
and I was like. Oh, yeah, I'm going back there.
Yeah, you're never going to host. What are we
talking about? What are we talking about? Superstitions
are hilarious. Especially when it comes to that.
Like, oh, no, you're going to take away my five
grand? I could not believe. They're like, you've
got to sign these contracts. And I was like,
all right. And then we'll pay you. And I was
like, how much is it? It's five grand you get.
Five grand. You should have just not filled out
the forms. I'm not signing it. I didn't. But
your agent gets 10%. Your manager gets 10%. Yeah,
I get $150. Exactly. For a week of work. I know.
That's hard work. The most stress. Yeah. It'd
be fun if I didn't have it. I could see it on
you. I could see it on you. Yeah, I was fucking
stressed out. Yeah. Yeah, you had both sides
on your shoulder. Yeah, but you know what, dude?
You went through it, and you went through it
bigger than ever. That's the beautiful thing
about it. You go through it bigger than ever.
And it worked out. It worked out. It's great,
and it showed that you're awesome at sketches,
and it turns people to Gillian Keys, which is,
I think, the best sketch show on the internet.
Thanks. Fucking awesome. Brother fucking OnlyFansDad
is one of the best fucking sketches I have ever
seen. You got a gang of them, man. The Trump
speed dating. It's fucking genius shit, dude.
ISIS car. That's all, yeah. You got some genius
shit. And that's the best part, is that it sends
people towards the real shit. independent comedy
sketches that are done by the people that are
actually funny. There's no one fucking with them.
There's no network notes. There's no executives.
There's no watering up the fucking chili. It's
just real. Speak your water up. Don't fuck with
that, dude. I already had it last time. Don't
fuck with the Carolina Reaper, Wicked Cuts, Beef
Jerky. That was a bad night. Mark, bong one of
those. Huh? Bong one. Bong one. Dude, for the
troops. It's time to go. Well, I'm going to take
a mushroom. Think about it. You had a fucking
block earlier. You're fine. It's time for America.
It's time for America. Don't count mine. It's
time to take America back, Mark. That's the joke.
Mark, we've got to take America back. Come on,
man. Yeah. Do it for the troops. Hold on. We've
had one drink. We've had one drink in four days.
You had two fucking little tiny whiskeys. This
is the fifth. That's the one without the giant
ice cube. You're going to be drunk on that. When
comics were eating dick, they would go, how about
a round of applause for the troops, everybody?
Yeah, it was an easy way out. It was an easy
way out. Round of applause for the ladies. Yeah.
Who's having a birthday? First date, last date.
How about a round of applause for the ladies?
Can you imagine bombing and then someone's like,
who's having a birthday in the audience? I'd
be like, no, you're not including me. Right.
No. I wouldn't cheer for that. That's you, Ari.
But most unreasonable people would be like, me!
It's mine! It's her birthday. Especially if you
don't have special days. That's the only special
day. Well, that and The Bachelorette. Most days
suck, except for 90 Day Fiancé. When that's on,
it's awesome. 90 Day Fiancé does rule. My lady
watches that. That is a wild show. Do you jump
in and watch? That's the one lady show I can
sit down and watch. Well, you learn a lot. You
want to talk about the threats to marriage. The
threats of marriage. This is like... the argument
against gay marriage. It's like bad for the institution.
What is it? The institution of marriage. Like,
what about this? What about a fucking reality
show? A reality show where you decide to get
married after 90 days? That's right. You date
for 90 days and then you gotta get married. Fucking
mind. You gotta pick one of these hoes? And that's
not even close. There's other ones like The Bachelor
or Love is Blind. They don't even talk to each
other and then they get engaged. I know. It's
bananas. 90 day though. That's way worse than
gay marriage. And you don't know You don't know
what they even look like until you meet them.
You don't know anything. They're going to hell.
90 Day makes America look great because they're
willing to leave this country to go live in Pensacola
in a condo. It's great for China. It's great
for China. China's like, look at these idiots.
Not learning math. Look what we're doing. Over
in China, every day it's like fucking the ninja
show. What's that ninja show? American Ninja?
That's how it rolls. That's what I'm talking
about. So they're all competing against each
other. There's all fucking chest puffing and
they're getting rid of all femininity on television.
I bet China's TV is just ours 10, 15 years ago.
I bet China's TV is ours if we had fucking control.
Well, they don't let them watch our TikTok. You
want state -controlled television? State -controlled.
That's what I'm saying. But real men. America
needs state -controlled television. But real
men. Real men. Real men. Well, their TikTok is
engineering videos. Just like enough nonsense.
Daddy's home. Yeah. We need just Tom Hardy. Isn't
it funny that that's like everybody really kind
of wants the big daddy in the sky to take care
of everything? That was a plot of Marvel. Every
election. Thor's brother was like, you want to
be led. You want to be led. Everybody's the big
daddy in the sky. Who's got the clippy? You got
the foreskin? Thank you. Oh, you're good. Oh,
my God. Carl. Carl doesn't like ice. Carl, don't
get banged, dude. He doesn't like Jews. Carl's
definitely free Palestine. Oh, yeah. You think
so? Carl's definitely up the raw. Carl looks
grumpy. Carl looks like he reads a newspaper.
I think Carl does now have strong convictions
and he could be persuaded in either direction.
Yeah. His eyes are about to pop out of his head.
Carl could convert. If the Jews win this one,
Carl could convert. He's going to go where the
money is. If. Boy, if you want to convert to
the Jews, they make it hard. You guys make it
probably the hardest. I know. That test is crazy.
There's a lot going on. You want to be sure you're
ready. They don't make you take a tattoo, at
least. How did Sammy Davis pass? That's such
a wild flex for a woman to force you to convert.
To get tattooed. It's a wild flex. Well, the
foreskin looks better when it's gone. That's
a wild one. You got to have a circumcision. You
can make a chick convert. At 37, you got to clip
your dick. Chop your forehead skin off and risk
infection and death and the loss of your dick
at 37. That's how good that pussy is. Yeah, well,
my friend got circumcised at 33, and he's happy.
By the way, tip for everybody, you can just lie
to the in -laws and tell them you did it. You
don't actually have to do it. What you just said
is the ultimate anecdotal experience. My friend
got his dick mutilated and he loves it. He kept
getting infected. There's a lot of shmegma. Tell
your friend to clean his dick. What kind of dirty
motherfucker is constantly getting dick infections?
He's Indian? Yeah. Indian fella. What are you
blaming that on? Well, I'm just saying it's a
lot of curry. Curry coming out of your dick?
What are you doing? It's gross. Are you eating
like an elephant? What? Tossing it into your
mouth? Tossing fucking curry chicken into your
mouth with your dick? Slumdog. That's ridiculous.
Just saying. It gets in there. The bacteria.
Yeah. Yes. Who's uncircumcised here? Anybody?
No way. J -Mo. J -Mo. He's got a man -eater.
Carl's uncircumcised. Carl. You uncircumcised
Carl yet? Decent Red Rock. He's French. He's
uncircumcised. I'll talk to a guy. I think we
might have talked about it before. You guys ever
see a dog's dick? Yeah, I see a dog's dick every
day of the week. No, no. I'm talking about...
My dog in the morning. No, no, I'm not talking
about Rocky. Every time I see him, his dick comes
out. I'm talking about the actual boner. The
bone. Oh, yeah. The real boner. I've seen it.
It's weird. It's fucking nuts, dude. It's a weird
looking organ. At the old studio, we had a walrus
one, a petrified walrus one. It was like giant.
How old was that fucking thing? I don't know.
Where is it? Where's that walrus? I am the walrus.
Cuckoo -ca -choo. You ever see him get hooked
up? Baculum. That's right. It's called a baculum.
It's a bone. Steve Rinella. Shout out to Steve
Rinella. You ever see him get hooked up? Two
dogs? He's back, dude. I told you. He was too
sober earlier. Now he's going. Now he's going,
dude. What show is that guy on? Quantum Leap.
That's right. Good show. That's right. Time travel
show. Oh, yeah. Was that the early 2000s? No.
Early 90s. Early 90s? Early 90s. Wait, is Quantum
Leap the... Mid. There's one where he hops into
a Down syndrome guy. He opens his bedroom door
and the mirror shows a Down syndrome guy and
he's like, I'm retarded. That's him. Do it from
the beginning. He goes, I'm retarded. That's
the language they used on dramas on TV back then.
Oh, my God. By the way, that's how I wake up.
I know. I was just going to say that. Oh, shit.
By the way, every female comic is like, you know
what it's like getting attacked by the way you
look? I'm like, have you seen Gillis' page? It's
just nothing but Tardville all day long. I love
hearing that when it's like, you have no idea
what it's like to get made fun of for how you
look. I'm like, it's all I do. It's the only
thing I do. But it's different. This is why.
If you're a talented guy and you look like shit,
you can still get laid. Well, hold on. I don't
look like shit. I'm not saying you. I'm not saying
you. Just retarded shit. Let's say someone far
worse off than anyone in this room. You can still
get beautiful women because you're talented.
That does not work the opposite. True, but they
can get puss or they can get dick without being
talented and hot. And they cannot be hot and
get dick. That's true. And not be hot and get
dick. And they can be a seven and get real high
-level dick. They cannot be attractive at all
and get dick whenever. We're talking about mathematics.
Well, we've all fucked a couple of twos. No,
put those back on. I mean mathematics in the
sense that, like, each thing has a value to it.
And the more, like, wealthy, famous, like, what's
that guy's name? That super, super fucking old
dude that owned Fox? Rupert Murdoch. This dude
is worth billions of dollars and got dick. divorced,
right? Or he was going to get married, had this
fiancée and she's like really into Christianity
or something. The crazy thing is he was talking
about the rest of his life. He was like the second
half of my life. Wow. He's 90. If you see him
walking around, you're like, this guy's crazy.
But it's because this guy knows he can still
sling dick. Stephen Hawking got laid. That was
his lady. Whoa. That looks like a ball bag. Oh,
he did it again. So he's got a new one. He's
engaged again. She was a molecular biologist.
Yo, he's 92. He just got engaged again. This
is what I'm talking about. You got that? kind
of cheddar. You can sling dick deep, deep into
the 90s. There is not a woman who divorced Jerry
Hall. The woman who was married to Mick Jagger.
Easy, McAfee. He's slinging. Slinging. Maybe
because women like competency. But this is the
difference. Maybe they're attracted to competency.
That's all it is. Which is fine. That's what
people should be attracted to. That's what people
should be attracted to. But this is why a woman
can say, you don't know what it's like. Because
you don't know what it's like. Because there's
always this other thing. But I'd rather be the
woman. I'd rather be the woman. She's better
than me if you're hot. If you're hot. Or not
hot. But if you're not hot, then you're judged
unfavorably about something that you have no
control over, and that's your value to a lot
of people. That's the difference. There's a difference.
Of course, the original statement, though, was
female comics talk about people always comment
on my looks. And it's like, that's all they do
with me. I get it. It's just I think it has a
different value for women. True, I can go, yeah,
whatever. Yeah, shut the fuck up. I just sold
out my ass. You know what I'm saying? There's
a thing that separates you from everybody, and
that's talent. And for a woman, it's like unattractiveness
is the trumper. That's number one. A hot lady
steals... But you banged ugly ladies. Not in
my adult life. Only as a kid. I was a good -looking
guy. I did well. Yeah, you did all right. I got
lucky. I got lucky with jeans. But it's just
if you're a woman and you don't get lucky, that's
a bad sentence. Like if your whole world around
you, especially today, that's one of the things
that social media has fucked young girls up.
Because you're looking at girls that are way
hotter than you before they use filters. Right.
Before they use filters. And then they throw
filters on. They look insanely good, and you
know there's not a fucking chance in hell. And
that's their normal. The genes that you got dealt,
the fucking hand of cards you got is going to
compete with that. Yeah, but then you get to
marry a nice guy. Yeah. Maybe. You're not in
that world of like, here's me in a bikini picture.
You're like, here's a nice guy. We're going to
raise a family together. I don't know. There's
some benefits to that. There's benefits to that.
Maybe they're not in our world of fucking. But
guess what? If Kim Kardashian wants to marry
a nice guy, she can do. She cannot. If she decides
to just go grab some nice guy. Well, he was the
guy who was working on my house. Do you know
what's going to happen if she marries a nice
guy? Day one, TMZ is going to stick a camera
in his face. He'll never be normal. He'll never
go outside. He won't be nice. He'll stay at home
and she'll just fuck him. He won't be nice again.
She'll tie him to the bed and just fuck the shit
out of him. She'll miss day one and they'll ruin
him. Yeah. I don't know. Whatever. We're having
fun now. Is it possible? Here's the thing. That's
the super mind fuck is when people get famous,
like Jordan Peterson style. When they get famous
when they're older. He got hotter. He got higher
and then went loony bins. What it is is he started
eating only meat. Little bonkies. Little bonks.
Yeah, he got little bonkies. What do you think
is bonker? What do you say that's bonkers? He's
a little bonkies. I don't know. He's famous,
famous. Too famous? Entering rehab. Oh, but you
know what that is? He, unfortunately, did not
know the side effects of benzodiazepines. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Sounds like an actor. The guy just
took them. He'll tell you. He took them because
he was really struggling. But I think part of
the reason why he's struggling is his wife is
going through cancer. I thought he was supposed
to be a smart guy. Read the label. It's crazy.
I think a lot of people... Listen, man. Read
the label. If you did something... Like if you
play golf, you play golf, right? If I came to
you, but I don't play it. So if I came to you,
what's a thing that you do that I don't do? Golf,
yeah. Okay. So if I came to you and go, how do
you do this? Yeah. I would just listen. Because
you do it and I don't do it. So if you're a doctor,
a psychologist, you call your friend who's a
psychiatrist and you say, I'm going through this.
What should I do? Take this. Don't worry. You're
going to feel way better. He takes Xanax. He
feels way better. But he doesn't realize that
there's one of two things that's commonly used
that will kill you if you just jump off it. One's
alcohol. The other is benzo. Oh, no. Is that
right? Alcohol? If you're an alcoholic, if you're
like a full -on, all -day drinking. And his doctor
told him that? No, his doctor didn't tell him
that. So he didn't realize that until he tried
to get off of him. And it took like a fucking
year, man. That guy got physically wrecked. Peterson
rules. But yeah, anytime any of those intellectuals
become famous, they kind of stink. And then when
you get fully sucked into the culture war as
an intellectual, either side, I don't love it.
Yeah, because then it's like you're wasting all
your mental energy on the culture war and not
curing cancer or some social thing. But it's
also to recognize that if you don't fight against
this shit, it just keeps pushing and gaining
more boundary, more ground. It moves the goalposts.
It does. And you have to have really smart people.
You just want to cry and spree. You want to cry
and spree. I'm sorry about your voice, bro. Because
he really feels that way. I know it seems crazy
when you look at it out of context, but if you
look at it, him crying in the context of the
conversation, it's because he really feels that
way. I go on crying sprees, but I keep them.
Keep them online. Don't record. Don't record.
He's not... He's just being himself. And he's
being himself in front of all these people. In
a three -piece suit. And he's being himself with
all these people watching him. He's being himself
in a three -piece suit. He's getting dressed
up to go be himself. And the weird three -piece,
sometimes they're like multicolored, like, what
are you, a Batman? But he does that because he
thinks it suits... It's cool. It's just fame
ruins a lot of people's work. They're doing great
work. The Kimmel, same sort of thing. It's like,
eh, you guys are all becoming something else.
But it's also because you're a part of a system.
Jordan's not necessarily a part of a system.
He's removed from a system. But then the problem
becomes, are you all constantly fighting that
system? Or are you just speaking about things
the way you see them? Well, the question is,
why is there a system fighting him? Why can't
he just exist and talk about what he wants to
talk about? Why is someone always coming down
on him? Because he has a lot of influence. That's
what I'm saying. But why can't he have an influence?
Why do we have to attack him? It's because of
the internet. It's because who likes him. It's
just people arguing on the internet. They're
like, Jordan Peterson rules. Listen to this quote.
And then people that don't like the things you
like are like, he's actually a Nazi. Right. And
then the people that call him a Nazi are like,
you're gay. But why do we have to be like this?
I thought I had something there. No, you did.
Nazis never been subjective before. It's a subjective
term, which is weird. You're right. That's why
you would infuriate me, that whole punch a Nazi
thing. I was like, who decides who's a Nazi?
He's been called a Nazi. Jew face 101. That's
a fun one. And I was like, oh, all right. Well,
they were calling Dave Smith a self -hating Jew.
Yes, yes. Because he's criticizing the way Israel's
bombing them. fucking shit out of Gaza. Free
Palestine. The whole thing is so nuts, man. You
guys are going a little overboard, dude. You
got them. I'm on the side of Hamas. I like the
way they're killing the Palestinians. You like
how Hamas is killing Palestinians? Tunnels is
one thing you guys can agree on. You're saying
how Hamas is killing the Palestinians? Their
own people. Yeah, when they line them up and
execute all their fucking people running against
them. Do they do that? Yeah, it's cool. Well,
the Jews tried to have a ceasefire, and they
wouldn't go with it. What? The Jews threw out
a ceasefire, like, hey, let's do a ceasefire,
and Palestine was like, nah. Nah, no deal. When
was this? October 6th? No. The day before. The
day before? Yeah, yeah, pull it up, J -Mo. I'm
sure the terms dictate whether they say yes or
no. You know what the wildest thing is? That
there was protests in the streets for months,
hundreds of thousands of people. Protesting Netanyahu.
In Israel. Yeah, he's one of the leaders. You
can be against your leaders without being against
the countries. But it was right before it happened.
For sure. And then what happened? Netanyahu was
ready to throw down. No, he's ready to go, brother.
Yeah, Netanyahu, Hamas, get rid of all the old
guard. Get somebody young in there. Get some
40 -year -olds in there to fucking stay high.
The thing is, man, the people that have gone
through this, you're not going to erase this.
You're not going to erase the memory of what
they did to Gaza. You're not going to erase the
memory of what those people in Israel experienced
when those dudes were fucking parachuting down
and gunning people down and chasing down kids
at a rave. You're not going to erase that. Uh
-oh. What's she thinking? Hillary said it. Remember,
there was a ceasefire on October 6th that Hamas
broke by their barbaric assault on peaceful civilians.
Scroll up so we can see that trustworthy picture.
There she is. All right. What'd she say? There
was a ceasefire. It did not hold because Hamas
chose to break it. Oh, there you go. Hamas have
consistently broken ceasefires over a number
of years. If Dave Smith was here, Dave Smith
would be able to lay this out. Yeah, I don't
know anything. We need a real Jew, not a fucking
phony. Well, I found out about Dave because of
Ari's State of the Country. State of the Union.
State of the Union address. Yeah, RIP. Smith's
a smart guy. I can't keep up. Oh, he's a genius.
He's one of the best at retaining information.
Sometimes you talk about it and you're like,
wait, wait, who? Say that again? Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean he just can talk about basically any
international crisis that he's investigated.
He investigates things to the point of like he'll
be able to tell you the root of the conflict.
I'm sure his wife loves it. Oh, my God. That's
got to be a tough household. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, yeah. There's no way he's only telling
us that. He's telling her that, too. She's probably
petrified. Back to the female comedian thing
about you're looking retarded and that whole
thing. Thank you. Well, what bugs me is it's
all men's fault, but they judge each other. That's
true, too. There's a lot of lady -on -lady judging
of appearance. All this is going to go out the
window with CRISPR. What's CRISPR? Genetic engineering.
They're going to change people and turn them
into fuckers. We'll get all hot chicks that are
cool. Well, all we're talking about is body positivity,
but everybody's getting Botox, lap band, and
they're all on a Zimbic. Which one is it? Well,
they don't want to die, but they want to pretend
they're okay. And they want to pretend that it's
fine to be exactly how you are. Because it's
uncomfortable to deal with the fact that you've
got to make some changes. And so let's not make
people uncomfortable. Let's let China win. There
you go. Let's let Russia win. Let's keep everybody
weak and fat and stupid and lazy and addicted
to their phones. Yeah. And then let's shut the
power off. All right. You're just describing
Shane. That wasn't a pun. Well, you've been working
out. Son of a bitch. That wasn't a pun. Usually
you're a pun guy. I got puns. Yeah, get a pun
going. The puns are in the works. You can work
out here with us tomorrow. You want to work out
tomorrow? What's tomorrow? We're bringing it
back. The comedian workout. Comedian workout.
Oh. I got to fly home tomorrow. Son of a bitch.
I thought you were home. I thought you lived
here. No, I got to go to my parents' house. Ah.
Oh, isn't that cute? We got a little fundraiser
for the coffee shop. Oh, nice. Oh, yes. Promote
it. Tomorrow. Nor in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.
It's called Nor. So this will come out tomorrow,
so they'll hear it. I'll be there. They'll get
flooded. Yeah, that's probably a mistake. But
it's called NORM. Check it out. N -O -R -M? N
-O -U -R. NORM. Oh, NORM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All
right. It's a good coffee shop. You got to have
a plug on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get
a plug? Yeah, I talked about it. You heard the
joke before. The opening. Oh, that's right. Oh,
that's right. I didn't get to do the whole joke.
Apple juice. So much more. Yeah, I burnt all
my premises. You got away with a lot, though.
You got away with a lot. Can you hand me one
of those beers, Ari? How's the new... First of
all, I got leaked that you were in a Tarantino
thing, which I think was bullshit. I'm not. But
then... I don't believe him. He's so big now.
I don't believe him. Yeah. I feel like I'm talking
to one of them UFO guys that's bullshitting me.
There's a few of those UFO guys. I talk to them.
I'm like, you're bullshitting me. If I was in
the Tarantino movie, I would tell you guys. By
the way, I would tell you right away. You son
of a bitch. You're in a fucking Tarantino movie.
It'd be the first thing I told you. I don't believe
him at all. No. He's in the movie. I would tell
you right away. I'd tell you guys everything.
With blabbermouth. Tarantino's only got one movie
left. I'd tell you immediately. If you're in
Tarantino's last movie. That would be very cool.
Did you meet with him? That's the first time
I was like, what the fuck? No. Did you have any
discussions about it? I've never met him in my
life. He loves comedy. Did you have discussions
about it through agents, through Jews? Never
once. Powerful Jews. Jews haven't told me anything.
He's the fucking man. I sit down and talk to
him. He's like a legit movie genius. He's awesome.
He's awesome. He's the man. Would you tell me
about Reservoir Dogs? When they were like, you
gotta put a woman in. And he's like, no. I just
want to do the movie. Why would I do that? Didn't
you tell me that? Or was it a different guy with
your face? No, it wasn't me. It was another Jew.
A different guy with your face. But I believe
it. That's great. He's like, no, we're doing
it that way. He's like, this is how we're doing
the movie. You've got to get a woman in there.
He's like, but it's about a bank robbery. And
they all shoot each other. What are you talking
about? They cut a guy's ear off. Yeah. Yeah.
And he was like, no, I'm not doing it. And it
was a hit. Wow. Just let people do their thing.
Not a hit, though. Underground. Well, it led
to Pulp Fiction. Yeah. That was the creative
hit, not a financial hit. They were both speaking
correctly. What was the guy that he was a partner
with in the early days? Harvey Weinstein. I believe
he is tied up right now with legal issues of
an undisclosed environment. This says there were
no female characters in Reservoir Dogs because
the movie took place over the course of an hour
in this warehouse after this robbery. These guys
aren't going to bring their girlfriends to the
robbery. Joe didn't happen to hire any women.
We need to bring Drew Barrymore in there. We
need to get a normal life. We got to raise this
baby. You ruined your suit. You got blood all
over it. When the piano starts in the movie,
you're like, fast forward. Was that movie an
homage to a Chinese or a Japanese movie? Probably.
What's it, Jim? I'd fucking die. Jamie, that's
not the type of backtalk we need. We need research,
not backtalk. That guy. Has there ever been a
guy that's never had one miss? You're going to
be okay. Never had a miss. Never had a miss.
You know what? One miss. What? What was that
one? Hateful Eight? Hateful Eight. Still fun.
Still fun. It's got moments. It's got moments.
You talked about it for weeks later. It was still
a great moment. I didn't love it. You didn't
love it on the Tarantino level. Yes, of course.
I was so excited for it because Django and Inglourious
Basterds are fantastic. Amazing. Top banger.
Top five for me. Inglourious Basterds. Me, Pulp.
Yeah. Pulp was the first. Django was kind of
like a little bit over the line of like reality.
Holding the fucking body up with it. Django was
so nice, dude. Yeah. But Hateful Eight. Dude,
I loved it. It was so slow and tense. I liked
it. When he's like, hey, put these handcuffs
on. And he goes, no. And he puts it back. And
you're like, fuck, some shit's going to go back
down. He beat the hell out of Jennifer Jason
Leigh. Oh, that was fun. I forgot about that.
Look at her with her black eye. Bro, this movie
has got some real Rihanna. She looks like Rosebud.
Oh, yeah. This movie fucking ruled, dude. Movie
ruled. It ruled. It's way too drawn out. You
were expecting action. There was not a lot of
action. But that was his response. That was him
going, shut up. I'll do my own thing. It's a
Western whodunit. Yeah. It's an awesome movie.
You're going to be okay. Yeah. But Pulp Fiction
still holds up. Pulp Fiction. I watched Pulp
Fiction like a year ago. Amazing. Lost Best Movie
to Forrest Gump. Gump rules. That's how dumb
that fucking thing is. Gump is a little silly.
Obviously. Obviously you love Forrest Gump. Get
out of town. What is this type of thing? I don't
understand this type of thing. It was a good
movie. Gump ruled. Where's your pre -posting
now? Gump was good. Gump was great, but it was
no fucking Pulp Fiction. Shut up. No. Giant drop
down. Guys, what are we talking about? Gump in
Vietnam? Hilarious, dude. Gump's a comedy. Gump's
a comedy. Gump is so good. Trips, dude. Gump's
fucking his drill instructor being like, Gump,
why did you put that weapon together so quickly,
Private Gump? Because you told me to. Jesus Christ,
you must have an IQ of 160. You are going to
be a goddamn general someday. Go disassemble
your weapon and continue. Tastes like cigarettes.
Shawshank was that year too? And Jurassic Park?
And JP? What a year! The 90s! Simultaneously.
Gump. No, Pulp Fiction! Shut the fuck up! I'll
go soundtrack for soundtrack on that. Dude, Shawshank
Redemption ruled. Pulp Fiction soundtrack was
legendary. Shawshank Redemption ruled, for sure.
Pulp Fiction had the best soundtrack. By far
the best. Man, the 90s were good. They reinvented
the idea of a soundtrack. Hold on, Pulp Fiction
over Gump soundtrack? It reinvented the whole,
what is a soundtrack? No, no. Gump's soundtrack
was literally the quintessential American. It's
classic rock. It's America. Run it on MTV. Also
true. Also true. Also true. But both Pulp Fiction
was like, we're having bands you've never remembered.
They're so cool. Yeah, there's a difference.
There's a difference. I mean, it's not even close.
Fortunate Son, let's go. This is just a collection
of popular songs. Exactly. Well, this is mainstream.
What are you talking about? Ari's right. This
is the most essential American song. It's great.
It's great. This is the definition of American
songs. Girl, you'll be a woman soon. I've never
heard that song. I'm like, what is this? Listen,
Pulp Fiction fucking rules. I would probably
rather. Jungle Boogie. He's rediscovering old
bands that were like, Son of a Preacher Man,
where you're like, I don't even remember this
song. Well, this is mainstream. Let's make it
popular again. Mainstream versus indie. Yeah.
It's not just that. Forrest Gump was mainstream,
which was like, here are the biggest hits of
each year. But still great songs. Yeah, they
both rule. They both rule. We're arguing. We
can have both. That's the problem with arguments
of who's bigger. That's the problem with awards.
It reached number 21. Fired up. We need the right
and the left. J -Mo, let's fire it up. Let's
find top sales of all time. I guarantee Forrest
Gump. Soundtrack might be high in the number
21. Listen, Forrest Gump was a great movie. Guys,
why are we saying that? It doesn't mean that
it's not really in competition with Pulp Fiction,
nor should it be. They're two different kinds
of things. They're two different movies. They're
two different kinds of things. But to sit here
and say Pulp Fiction should have won is crazy.
It should have won. Number seven. I think it's
a better movie. Way better movie. More iconic.
More lovely. More iconic. More people love it.
I don't know about iconic. Wait, what? More people
love it. Cooler people love it. You're just saying
dumb things. That way to catch up. There's no
stats to back his claim. In the face of evidence
that shows that Forrest Gump is a superior product,
according to the Marketplace, Ari Shaffir rejects
this in favor of just filibustering. Dude, obviously
Pulp Fiction was a cooler movie. He's defending
his career. You're cool. You have to be cool.
Yeah, exactly. Urge Overkill is cool. It's cool.
Discovering new bands is cool. That soundtrack
was awesome. I mean, I've actually never heard
anyone say the Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome.
What? Nobody. No, they put together a lot of
great tunes. Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome.
Yeah, I don't remember it at all. Let's see what
it is. I was out that year. It's unbelievable.
We're going to go on the billboard. You son of
a bitch. Time has come today. We're going to
go on the billboard. Oh, my God. Look at what
we got here. Fortunate Son. The album went to
number two? Wow. Fortunate Son. Come on, son.
Hound Dog by Elvis. Respect by Otis Redding.
No, no, yeah, yeah. They're better songs. It's
just as a soundtrack. It's just like. Buffalo
Spring, The Doors, Garfunkel, get out of here.
Fuck up, Ari. Goddamn you. You Zionist. How are
these all in there? Put the headphones on. You're
being obnoxious and annoying. Put your headphones
on. You stepped on all of us, you fucking Zionist.
Put the headphones on. Free Palestine. Put the
headphones on. You colonized this fucking conversation,
bro. Yeah, go back to the tunnel. I hate you,
dude. What movies do they play in the tunnels?
Tunnel Wild, right? What do they play in the
tunnels? It's just Schindler's List. Tell me
what you know about the tunnel. What does the
email list tell you? They still won't talk. Put
your headphones on so we don't talk over each
other. No, we're all talking over each other.
You're the only one that's talking. Everybody
pauses when other people start talking because
you have headphones on. I don't know what you're
talking about. Joe, you should have seen your
face. I got weird in Commando. I was hoping Ari
was too fucked up to notice. He goes, we're all
wearing headphones. That's all I'm going to go.
No, literally nobody is. At least Norman's got
him. I call you married again. Just put him on.
Norman's got him around his chin. He can at least
keep up. You know what else is nice? What? Remember
the Titans soundtrack. That was a good soundtrack.
Another great classic. How about Vision Quest?
Vision Quest? Yeah. What's that? Movie from the
90s about a wrestler. You fucking stoner. I never
heard of that. It might not even be from the
90s. It might be like 89. 80s. It was a movie
about, it might be like late 80s now that I think
about it. 85, 86. It's a movie about a wrestler.
Matthew Modine. We're not allowed to play music?
No, we can't. Did you see Iron Claw? I didn't.
Oh, you would like it. You sure? It's heavy duty.
What is it? Oh, come on, J -Mo. What's Ironclaw?
Is it a kung fu movie? It's about the, what is
it? Wrestling Brothers. Van Who's? Yeah, yeah.
What's the name? Oh, that's the one where Homeboy,
the handsome fella. Yeah, Zac Efron. Zac Efron.
It's really well done and sad as shit. Oh, bro.
Fucking the pro wrestling world is mostly sad
at the end. Well, it's like the dark days of
wrestling. Like open mic, high school gym shit.
By the way, all those open mic high school gym
wrestling matches, that's part of your ticket
that you get punched for CTE. You got that right.
Look at that. There's the handsome guy. Zach
Efron. Jesus Christ. That's the real family with
the dad. It's a tragic family, man. I heard the
movie's awesome. I have not seen it. Is that
Vader? I was confusing it with the Man with the
Iron Fist. No, very different. Which has got
a fucking great soundtrack. Really well done.
Holy shit, that's a good soundtrack. Man with
the Iron Fist? Yeah. Wu -Tang? Yeah. Oh, my God,
dude. And there's also, there's a Wu -Tang. Spirit
in the Sky. Any soundtrack with Spirit in the
Sky. There's a Wu -Tang Black Keys collaboration.
Whoa! Really? Yeah, man. The Baddest Man Alive.
The Black Clan. That was Wu -Tang with them?
One song? One of the members of Wu -Tang. One
of the members of Wu -Tang. Interesting. Not
Inspector Dick. Who was it? RZA. RZA. RZA did
the whole soundtrack. One of them cut their dick
off. To what? What? Yeah, one of the Wu -Tang.
Cut their dick off. No way. Yeah, give it a go.
That's right. Swear to God. Yeah, one of the
lesser known associates. Method Woman? Come on,
man. Specter Dickless. Isn't the jizzle like
a master level chess player? Like a high level
chess player? Is that jizzle anymore? Not the
jizzle, the jizzle. I think the jizzle is too.
Oh, I like that. With the jizzle specifically.
Are we listening to music? We can't. We can't
play it. Damn, you two, you cunt. I don't know
why I keep asking. It's a great, it's, yeah,
that is annoying. Yeah, remember we played a
whole Freebird on here. What was that we played?
Oh, my God, that was glorious. Glorious. I talk
too much. No, you didn't talk too much. I read
the comments. What's that? Yeah. So you get the
comments, you lose the music. Hit it. There you
go, Fetty. Put it down. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.
We need some uncopywritten versions of this song.
Like, call in with a few. But you can't even
do a cover. It's a cover's a problem. They'll
nick you with a cover. I don't fucking take that
cover, man. They'll nick you. They'll steal from
you. My favorite one was Connor's. When he was
talking about you when Khabib. And he's like,
that's an illegal knee. Shut up, Joe, you fool.
Yeah. Call the police. That's an illegal knee.
Listen, I have to do commentary on the rules.
No, you have to. If someone lands an illegal
knee, I have to let the audience know it's illegal.
Connor was talking about the fired up. Yeah.
Talking about the commentary. He gets fired up.
He gets on Twitter. He gets on voice Twitter.
He's the only guy on earth that uses it. I'm
in your wife's DMs, Joe. Shut up, Joe. You fool,
yeah. Remember the Reebok? Well, this is the
Springbok. Yes, let me hear it. It's so good.
That was an illegal knee on the head of a grounded
opponent. Shut up, Joe, you little fool. Listen,
this is my thing. I think not only should it
be legal. I think all knees on the ground should
be legal, 100%. I think knees to a grounded opponent
to the head should be legal. The only problem
with that is the cage. It's the only problem
because you can't move your head out of the way.
If someone's got your head pinned against the
cage and they knee you in the face, that's disastrous.
But every other place, I feel like you should
be able to knee somebody in the head. On top,
on the bottom, it would stop stalling. It would
stop people hanging out in the turtle position.
You wouldn't be able to. There's a lot of reasons
to stop. You should have knees on the ground.
So I think what he did 100 % should be legal.
If you're on your back and a guy's on top of
you, you can knee him in the head. That should
be legal. There you go. Significant advantage
of being on top. Shut up, Joe. But you should
also be able to knee him in the head if you're
on top. That's like realistic. That's what fighting
really is. That was during the Khabib fight?
Sure. There's no chance he was on top throwing
knees during the game. No, he was on the bottom.
That was the thing. Even on the bottom, it's
illegal. On the bottom, you're not allowed? Yeah.
Because he's also got a knee on the mat. Exactly.
So if a guy's grounded, he's on top of you in
side control, right? So a guy's on top of you.
His head is here. If you lift your knee up, you
can just slam his knee from here. You can just
slam his knee into your head. It's illegal. You
can't throw a knee or a kick to a grounded opponent
in the face. Nice. Fire him up, dude. Tell that
to Don Fry. Well, in the early days, everything
was legal. In Pride, they used to stomp. They
used to do soccer kicks and stomps. Back before
Pride was about fucking dudes. They love knees.
They're always on the knees. Here's a good question
for you, Ari. Yeah. Because you're the gayest
person here. I agree. What do you got? Who is
the gayest person here? You look like you own
a gun range. Women are swooning over me. You
guys own a ship. Women swoon over you? When did
pride become automatically associated with gay?
Gay? That's a big shift. Oh, interesting. That
is. Over UFC. Like, if you just say pride. First
it was MMA. Well, it used to be America. It used
to be America. It was the first pride thing.
Well, they're called Proud Boys. If you say you
had pride, though, you would say you had pride
in America. Remember that Norm joke about that?
Yes! I love that joke. Can I get a little music
from you, Mr. Shafir? America! America. That's
the IDF talking. America. Fuck yeah. Stop it
again. Yeah. You took it down there, Fanny. Nice.
I pay taxes. That's great. Oh, shit. I pay taxes.
I live in this country. All right. Easy, Mike.
Texas rules. Let me have my goddamn beer. Stonewall.
70. Bro, stay away from that. I got a joke on
this. So, in 1970... Stay away from Stonewall,
dude. I got a joke on this. No, but still...
Stonewall and the Lesbos. But still, back then...
Gates didn't even have the fucking manhood to
defend themselves. The Lesbos took it. Stay away
from Stonewall, dude. That's my one good joke
I got right now. Please. I'm moving on. So, 1970.
It was 1970. With pride. Yeah, but that's when
they started calling it gay pride. 1970. But
it wasn't. The word pride wasn't synonymous with
gay. Yeah. Because the gays steal things. They
took the rainbow. They took pride. Oh, yeah.
You ever see the Black Power speech? When the
guy invented black power? No. Oh, Martin Luther
King took a day off one of the rally. campaigns
and this guy was like waiting for the opportunity
he goes fuck white power fuck white power how
about us how about black power and they all start
chanting it he's such a good speaker and he goes
it's too late martin luther king got back it
was too late it had caught on Who's this guy?
I don't know. You made this story up? It's possible.
I don't think I did. You son of a bitch. I don't
think I did. This is how Flat Earth got started.
I don't think I did. They speak confidently.
They say a bunch of nonsense. It's 50 -50. Both
that I made it up and it's 100 % truth. I can't
tell you. I wish we had the fucking internet.
I wish we had Fred Hampton give a speech, dude.
That would get the people going. I am a revolutionary.
I die for the people. Come on. Did you just delete
a scene from Forrest Gump since we were just
talking about that? Oh, yeah. What is this? No,
this is wild, dude. It's Forrest Gump was hanging
out with Martin Luther King. Yeah, they had to
get rid of this scene, but it's good. Smart move.
There's no sound on this for some reason. Why
did they have to get rid of this? Well, they
raised a kid. He's playing. They just had a cup
of coffee. The scene he comes over, all the dogs
are trying to attack him, and he gets a stick,
and he throws it, and all the German chefs are
trying to win. He's like, sorry about that. It's
too ridiculous. Oh, my God. That's so ridiculous.
Whoa! They would have torn him to shreds. Oh,
he would have had zero chance staying alive.
He would have had no skin left. That's actually
offensive. What? I think even back then they
were like, we got to cut that. That's so ridiculous.
All they had to do was toss the stick back and
civil rights would have been accomplished. I'm
willing to buy that he's awesome at ping pong.
Yeah, exactly. I will go that far. It was ridiculous
in the right way. I'm a great actor. I will go
that far with ping pong. You can't tell me. Yes,
Mark. Wild. Yes, it's about time, Mark. No one
from the African -American community could have
figured that out. No dude was good at dogs. Hold
on a second. He has a rapist uncle? What is this?
From Home Alone. Jack! Oh! That's funny. You
can't do that anymore. There's so much implied.
This is like day one. You can't pants a kid?
Not these days anymore. That's crazy. I've been
pantsing kids my whole childhood. That balding
old man who has zero chance of pussy can't pants
kids. Yeah. Come on. He can't do it. Mark can
do it. Listen, you look at that dude. I love
kids. If you're bald, you can't pants kids? No,
no, no. It's the way he looks. So I got like
three weeks. Listen to me. Listen to me because
this is very important. The odds of a woman choosing
that guy over anybody are very small. So that
guy's probably horny as fuck. Forget women love
competency, Joe. And obviously not competent.
He's wearing a fucking vest. What if he's a beast,
dude? I doubt he is. This is a crazy person.
Look at his grimace as he pantses him. Go back
three seconds. A crazy person as hard as a rock
while he's tormenting a child. This is a fucking
creep with two terabytes of kiddie porn on his
fucking hard drive. That dude runs a Discord
server. That was originally people looking at
AI child porn. That was supposed to be Kevin
Spacey. He didn't get the role. Not in real life.
The real guy is an actor. It's a movie. It's
a different time. I'm just joking. Yeah, that
was 92. But if that was a real human that was
alone with a little kid, and that's your move?
Not, like, tell this little, hey, Bobby, you
want to know what I do for a living? Who is that
guy? That's not his dad. That's some fucking
creepy dude he got stuck with. You get stuck
with this fucking 50 -year -old incel who wants
to pants you and then go jerk off to his Discord
server. This is fucking psycho. That guy's a
psycho. That guy's a straight -up psycho tormenting
a young child who is so vulnerable. He can't
do anything. I would pants my nephew. I'd get
a knife. If that guy pantsed me, I'd get a knife.
Well, you got molested on that canoe trip. You
cut him? Yeah. That's the fucking guy with your
fish in that canoe trip. Deep throat, dude. He
tried. That's what his goal was. I think it was
the opposite. Me deep throating him. You're a
big mouth ass. I had a little tiny knife back
then. It would have probably taken it away from
me. Oh, you would have gotten him. I had a little
fucking Swiss Army knife with those little bitch
ass knives. You would have caught him? 100%.
Come on. I was vulnerable, man. This guy was
a weird dude. Just get a pre -cocked. Just tell
me you love me. Get a pre -cocked and get ready
to go. These headphones are doing nothing! Did
you ever get sexually assaulted? What? You ever
get sexually assaulted by a man? You were in
a very serious religious group. January, but
it was different. That was the L trend. Ari,
Ari. What happened to you in the tunnel? Oh,
yeah. It's storage space. It's just... Get out
of here. Why does it have to be sex trafficking?
What about this shit -smeared, bloody mattress?
That's a Snopes. That's a Snopes. That's a Snopes.
That's a Snopes. Let's give it a go. You won't
look at the Black Power speech, but you'll look
at the fucking Jew tunnels. Give it a go. This
guy's not a journalist. There's one, a fake one,
and that you guys made about the tunnels. Yeah,
you could be like, that's AI. You guys made it.
The Jewish community literally won't just make
a statement. Just be like, hey, here's where
it is. Well, the Jewish communities aren't responsible
for, like, one psycho who made a tunnel. That
synagogue should say something. That wasn't one
guy, brother. At least that synagogue. Dude,
there's so many tunnels you guys don't even know
about. Definitely. They go all the way to Cleveland.
Wow. There's a lot of tunnels. Come on. Hey,
now that we're talking about the Jews, how much
do you guys control the weather for real? It's
not like that, dude. You can guide it. Well,
couldn't you help the forest fire? You can't
go from like 85 to like 60. If it's 78, you can
go to 82. All right. No one's listening but me
and you. Okay. Why would the smoke? Why was the
smoke orange? Just in New York and not in Toronto.
What did your people do? What are you, burning
foreskins? Was it you guys or was it the CIA?
Who burnt the fucking chemicals and made the
fucking sky orange? There's a lot of menorah
candles. There's got to be a Jews made the sky
orange. These are the type of conspiracies that
distract. Air quality similar to Bay Area's 2020
orange sky. Similar, super similar. Bay also
has a lot of Jews and Asians. It's super similar
to when the Bay Area had fires right next. door
where you could see the fucking flames and it
turned the sky orange. Super similar to a place
where the fire is thousands of miles away. Super
fucking similar to the flames that caused the
gray to look red. The fucking flames. Trudeau.
Super, super similar. Who sees that boy again?
Oh, it says air quality. I'm sorry. I misread
it. It said air quality. Yeah, the air quality
is real similar. I thought they were talking
about the sky color. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I
got carried away. I blame Protect Our Parks and
Bud Light. These types of theories distract from
when we sit around and talk about controlling
the weather and stuff. It distracts from actual
what you guys are, you know. What are you really
up to in the temple? What have you guys done?
No, no, no. What have you guys done to the trans
kids? Weinstein, Epstein, Madoff. What have you
done? Quite a list. False! Okay, what were we
fucking Googling? Oh, the description in this
post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery,
which was reported to police by synagogue officials.
Wait, wait a minute. The synagogue officials?
You want to disbelieve it. Wait a minute. You
don't want to believe in a fucking realistic
explanation. Look what this says. Who wrote it?
Scroll up. Scroll up. It must not be true. Let's
examine the author. Who wrote it? Scroll up.
For the audience. USA Today is the article. But
let me be clear. Go back to the fucking thing
I was reading. Hannah wrote this? Okay. It says,
the description in this post paints a false picture
of the tunnel. discovery, which was reported
to police by synagogue officials. Did they report
the tunnel? Is that what they're saying? Because
that's not real. I don't know who reported it.
There's no actual reports on what happened. People
saw Jews coming out of the ground, and they were
like, hey. I've heard a bit about it. I've heard
a bit about it. Is this a fucking movie? City
officials said there was one tunnel, not a series
of tunnels. Incorrect. Incorrect. That's what
they reported. All the way to Cleveland. I'm
telling you. All the way to Cleveland. Cleveland.
More misinformation. I want to be clear. The
Protect Our Parks actual Jew. All the way to
Cleveland. It was adjacent to the synagogue,
not under it. It wasn't under it, you fucking
liars. Mattresses shown in the viral video came
from behind wood paneling inside the synagogue,
not from the tunnel. It's amazing how everybody
wants to go to underage sex trafficking. It's
from behind the synagogue. Kanye was right. It's
not related to the tunnel, guys. It was underage
sex trafficking. Easily. Everybody goes straight
to that every time. It's so funny. What the hell
is this tunnel for, you fucking dumbass? Oh,
yeah. Couldn't be storage space in Manhattan.
But hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Storage space
for what? But guys! So much! Guys! Look how crazy
this is saying. The mattress is real! This blood
-stained mattress is still real. Who gives a
fuck if it was 12 feet to the left? So it's in
the synagogue, but it's not in a tunnel that's
under the synagogue? Who gives a fuck? This is
crazy. You got a mattress. It was in the garbage.
It's right there. It's not right there. They
threw out a fucking mattress. I don't get it.
What's the blood for? I don't know. Why the blood?
Okay. Chicks. I see. Menstrual. This is the last
part. Last part says an unverified video shows
what appears. It's every month with that. Ari,
Ari, Ari, Ari. Slow down. Look at the end of
it. It says an unverified video shows what appears
to be a high chair. But it shows only one such
seat. Little kids. And it was located amid trash,
clutter, and dirt in a basement room, not in
a tunnel. There you go. So it's there, not 12
feet to the right. The whole thing is so crazy.
No, that wasn't in the tunnel. That was in the
other shit that we discovered when we figured
out we had a tunnel. We don't throw things out.
Someone else might need a high chair in two weeks.
I thought you'd just sell it. Just clean it up.
Yeah, sell it for later to save it. Why chuck
it? We might need it. When it's Catholics, I'm
like, yeah, for sure. Oh, confrontation began
over attempt to fill in the tunnel. Why would
you fill it in once it's already built? Just
regulate it. But isn't it crazy, though? But
you're allowed to have a basement. You can't
have a tunnel. You can have an attic. You can't
have a tunnel. You have a secret room. That's
fine. No tunnels. You've got to do it up to code.
The best of the guy was like, I heard everybody
complain. You have a tunnel in there? I have
a tunnel at my club. Where? When you go into
the audience. Whoa. We need a real tunnel. All
right, that wasn't real. We're under the ground.
Listen, Shane Gillis. The what? I don't go in
tunnels. Shane Gillis, when you think about the
architecture of my club. It is a secret tunnel.
When you go inside and you go downstairs, you're
under everything. You're under the street. You're
in a tunnel. You feel at home there. You do.
That Tunnels was nuts. You like Tunnels. I'm
going to put a... For tonight's show... Oh, wait,
wait. The thing with the guy saying I heard Jews
was not real? I'm going to put a stained mattress
in the tunnel. See if I can get a firefighter.
You can see it when you get up to the stage.
Right next to the stage. You're like, no worries,
Ari. It's just a stained mattress. It's not even
in the real tunnel. They were throwing it out,
you fucking QAnon people. Yeah, they were throwing
it out by leaving it. It was amidst the rubbish.
Stuffed into a dark corner of their fucking building.
Yeah, throwing it out. Dude, you don't know what
it's like. Eventually, when I get done fucking
people on this mattress. They find an old t -shirt.
They're like, well, we should find somebody who
can use it. Somebody wants a shit -stained mattress.
Oh, look at that. That's a gay squirter. That's
an enema. That's an enema release. Whoa. What's
with the wigs, by the way, with the ladies? You're
not attracted. That's how to do it. I'm the fucking
expert on this. Wear a wig and a costume. Today,
you're going to be a gypsy. They threw out a
high chair and everyone's like, under excess
traffic. Tomorrow, you're a leprechaun. Every
day, you're a different thing. I'm so bored.
Listen, I want you to bake pies and dress up.
Tonight, you're a squirrel. You're a Jew. I mean,
how do you feel about the Jew hate right now?
I don't see any of it. Come on. I think it's
all internet related. If you go to Palestine,
you will 100 % fucking see it. If I went to a
very specific region of the world, yes, I might
see it. Online, it's more emboldened. Is it not?
But I'm in New York. york and all over the country
and really the world and i've never seen any
i've been all over i've not been all over the
world since october 7th i've been all over the
country i've never seen a single thing in my
real life so i think it's you gotta shut your
computers off and live your fucking life go on
hiking but isn't it what we talked about about
reading comments it's like it's that it's that
they're shoving the worst shit in front of you
all the time so you think that's the world it's
not the world i'm the jewiest looking guy in
the world if there was any fucking anti -semitism
statistically realistic It would come to me.
I want to send you as a correspondent for the
JRE to go to the free Palestine protests. I'll
go to that. You should go to that. I'll try to
blend in. That nose is so punchable. I couldn't.
That nose is so punchable. It's such a target,
even for hooks. Would you say that everyone could
do so much damage? You're talking about Jew,
you're a Jew, Jew face, super Jewish guy. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Never had a problem. Would you say
that goes to everything? Black people are not
that? 100%. Almost everybody. Me and his friend
Nate Marshall had the same thing. You just imagine
all these terrible things happening. When day
-to -day life, 99 .9 % is fun, everyone just
enjoying the weather at the same time. If you're
Ari Shafiq. I think you're right. Nate said the
same thing to me. You get clicks. It's just like,
oh, I'm in fear of all this stuff happening.
Depends who you talk to. If you're online more,
everything's terrible. South side of Chicago
where violent crime and murder is higher than
it is in Afghanistan at the peak of the invasion.
Yeah. That's not real. I guess so. But I'm not
there. So what you're saying, imagine this terrible
place. No, you don't have to imagine it. But
I'm just saying like if you make a blanket statement
that like everybody's life is less. than what
you're seeing in the media. Almost everybody.
Statistically insignificant. If you just shut
off your computer, you wouldn't see any anti
-black hatred, anti -Jewish, none of it. Just
go out and go for a hike. Everybody's pretty
cool with each other. If you're talking about
hatred, yes, that's true. You can go find it
in small things on college campuses on a day.
And wouldn't we all agree that most hatred is
rooted in you just don't know that person? Yeah,
yeah, even that. And you've got to understand
them. You'd be pretty cool. SNL was pretty chill.
And you're like, guess what? I hate them. You
know what else is pretty chill? Bud Light coming
out of an eagle's asshole. And I'd say that Bud
Light coming out of an eagle's asshole is even
better than regular Bud Light. Bud Light coming
out of an asshole. Of an eagle? Of an eagle.
Of an American eagle? This is what you're doing.
America does rule. You're felching a fucking
American Eagle. Damn, we're not even allowed
to show that cool America's number one video
that we always share in the group chat? Fuck
yeah. Can we just play that and see what happens?
Do it! You gotta do it like this? And... I think
the fact that we can say shit online but you
don't get any repercussions has added a lot.
Yeah, exactly. You used to get beat up. You say
horrible, crazy things. It's all fine. It's all
fine. Life's great. You mean this place? This
place here. I'm saying in general, you say shit
online, you say mean shit, and you'll never have
a repercussion. I think that adds to a lot of
it. It's all virtual. It's all nonsense. People
are saying this. No one's saying it. They're
posting these things. They're posting mean things.
They would never say that in an elevator. Never.
Never happens. But they would say it online.
It's segmented tribalism. We're so tribal. It's
all tribalism. It's all stupid. It's stupid,
and it's also if you have fucking social media,
you have this ability to fucking isolate groups
of people or attack groups of people. It's so
fucking dumb. In the real world, most people
get along if there's communication. And it's
a lot of optics. And they're cool. If you're
cool and there's communication, everybody's cool.
It just got warmer in New York on a day, high
six, and there's no left and right. There's no
high class, low class. What a good day. There's
no right. How many dicks did you suck that day?
But they were from both sides. From both sides
of the galley. I feel like that was what was
next. It doesn't matter. Oh, dude, the Upper
East Side is right. Where do you live? The Upper
West is right. What do you mean, right? They're
dudes. Economically, they're right. But they're
quiet. They love them. We got everything there.
Let's just hit it, dude. Who cares about the
strugs? God, America's the best. It's the best.
And then in... Listen, this is the best place
to be. Despite all the chaos. The chaos exists
in the world. We just talked about Scotland trying
to arrest comedians. I know. It's so easy here.
It's great. These damn Sean Connery hitting women.
Those were the days. We didn't talk about that
fucking guy in Belgium. Jamie, show the memes
so these guys can see the shit that this guy
was sharing. Gerard Depardieu. The memes are
fucking so innocuous. They're so nothing. They
don't even come close to the memes we share.
Oh, my God. You know what? Because America rules
in memes too, bitch. America's number one. Number
one in memes. You can keep shitting on America
whenever I try to move here. So what does that
tell you? What? That's what I'm saying. Well,
everybody keeps coming here. Exactly. You're
like my uncle 15 years ago. I'm just saying.
People are coming here. You're talking about
my grandparents. Yeah, mine too. I'm second generation.
Sicilian. Who's talking shit on America like
that? All kinds of locals. No, no, just online.
Shut it off. No one's really doing that. Everybody
knows we're number one. Well, how about the,
I'm going to leave if this guy wins. That's my
favorite. Yeah, but they don't ever leave. They
never leave. Because it's great. We got Chipotle.
Everything except PTO. Maybe this time they'll
go to Canada where it's a thousand times worse.
Maybe this time. How would you like to live in
Minnesota if it was fucking gayer? Welcome to
fucking Canada. Gayer and colder. Imagine Minnesota.
But not cool at all. Just gay. Yeah, no Somalians.
Unless Trudeau's on Halloween. Let's get the
right wine. Bro, they might get rid of that dude.
If they do, they could pull it around. Who? Trudeau.
Oh. That Pierre Polivet. How do you say it? He's
pretty sexy, that guy. Polivet. Did I say it
right? No, I didn't. He's very French. Let's
also be honest. He's brilliant. He's smart. We've
been trashing Canada because of how gay Trudeau
is, but Canada does fucking rock. Canada rules
in the summer. Canada's one of the all -times.
Oh, you're pissing in there? You son of a bitch.
He's pissing in Bud Light, Canada's this dirty
bitch. Should I make this part of your new campaign
where I piss in bottles? You're trying to ruin
my campaign, you little nasty motherfucker. Piss
in that whiskey. Don't piss in that. Get a bottle.
Piss in the bottle. Don't piss in the bottle
that's half full. Someone might drink it, you
monster. Don't make it taste better. Get a bottle.
Online. Piss in it. Well, Toronto's a fun town,
and Vancouver's fun. Good crowds. Good crowds,
good chicks, good drugs. Everything rules in
Canada. If you bring up Trudeau, though, they
go apeshit. Who brings up the government? Can
you imagine? Everywhere I go, if I go to Canada,
I'm like, fuck Trudeau. I don't go to Canada.
I do. I go all the time. I say, fuck Trudeau.
They get fired up. The truckers hate him. The
truckers hate him. Regular people hit them. Historically,
Canada's a good country. They go hard, dude.
They're nice people. They were at D -Day. They
were at fucking D -Day. That's why they're so
subject to this bullshit. Because they're trying
to be nice. That's why they're so vulnerable.
Because they're trying to be nice. Because they're
genuinely nice people. Sorry. It's cold as fuck
up there. People cooperate. They're nice. All
right. I'm going to get fired up. Uh -oh. Get
fired up. Uh -oh. Hold on. Easy, big fella. No,
they're not that fired up. Fire up. I might be
dumb and wrong. Those are one of those countries
that, like, the UK, like, when they go to war,
which they always do, they always call on the
bros. It's always Scotland, Canada, Australia,
all the dominions that are just, like, settler
white people. We've been making money for you
all these years. When they call on, like, Australia
and Canada to go to war, they go to war, dude,
and they go hard. They've always gone hard. Canada
rules. Historically, Canada rules. Historically?
Yeah. Right now they're being gay. I think Banff
is the same as it's always been. Banff has a
fantastic history of combat sports. Solid chick
hockey players. And comedians. Rory. Norm MacDonald.
Norm. The other guy. Jim Carrey. Yeah. Those
donuts. Great donuts. Tim Hortons' rules. Listen,
there was a guy in the 1980s. Whistler's awesome.
There was a guy in the 1980s. There was a French
-Canadian named Jean -Yves Thériault. And he
was a fucking assassin in kickboxing. He was
the man. What about St. Pierre or whatever? Yeah,
but I'm talking about the 1980s. Oh. There was
a guy named John. It's not related at all, Mark.
He's Canadian. Not even close to related. French
Canadian. Shut up. This is like kickboxing in
the 1980s. I read this guy's book. I started
running stairs because of this dude. You read
a kickboxer's book? Oh, yeah. I read about 30
kickboxer's books. Every kickboxer book that
anybody ever wrote. And then I did sit -ups,
and then I kicked that guy in the fucking head.
That would be a dumb fat dude's interpretation
of what a world -class combat sport athlete would
tell you what to do. That's a nasty thing to
say, dude. That's true. What a disgusting thing
you just said. When's the last time you read
Steinbeck? You're reading fucking GSB's book.
You're reading fucking retard camouflage books.
I haven't read these books since I was like 21.
From the time I was 15. No, I did it because
I was trying. The same reason why I have this
stupid tattoo on my right arm of Miyamoto Musashi.
I read books on how to fight. If this didn't
work out, you would have been the dumbest motherfucker.
I know. But it worked out. Boy, did it work.
I got lucky. Telling girls at bars, this is a
movie. But it's all connected. I didn't tell
you about that. It's all connected. If you can
read about a dude who's figured out how to fuck
people up with his feet. He just kicked people
in the face for a living. I'm like, tell me how
you did this. That's what kickboxing books are
about. So this guy was Jean -Yves Thériault.
Can we watch this? Oh, my God. He was a fucking
assassin, man. He's from Montreal. And he's a
French Canadian. Oh, he knocked his mouth guard.
Bro, he fucked everybody up. He just turns and
walks. I'm telling you, man. He was a fucking
assassin. What happened? Dude, you don't understand.
This guy was my hero when I was a kid. Where'd
he go? When I was kickboxing, this was the guy
I was trying to be. I was trying to be this dude.
Whoa. You gotta understand there was no money
back then. He jumped off those people so fast.
Bro, he was a fucking assassin. He was a very
nice guy. And he had a fucking gay cop mustache.
It was awesome. And one of the things that he
said was that he increased his kicking power
substantially by running stairs. So I started
running fucking stairs. And I read this dude's
book when I was like 15, 16 years old. I love
the chest hair. Bro, he was a monster. He was
fucking everybody up. You've got to understand,
this guy's record was just littered with chaos.
Everybody he fought. Kickboxing back then. Here's
the deal about kickboxing. Kickboxing back then
was all above the waist. Come on, man. Don't
do that. Nobody had figured out Thai boxing yet
because the Thais had not come to America yet.
Jackdaw Thai. Jackdaw Thai. Very well. I don't
know what that means. Remember the fuckers. Remember
the fuckers. That's Rick Rufus. Rick Rufus is
the American hero. Oh, he's a bad producer. Oh,
dude, he was a monster. Rick Rufus was so good.
But Johnny, that's Don the Dragon Wilson. What?
I sound like I'm making this up. No, that guy's
a legend. Don the Dragon Wilson. Oh, that guy's
got Botox. Listen, I want you to Google Don the
Dragon Wilson versus... God damn it. Dennis Alexio.
Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio. This
is like a peek into your childhood here. Don
the Dragon Wilson. You could have gotten into
wrestling. You got into this. What I could have
gotten is like serious brain damage. All right.
This is Don. This is Don the Dragon Wilson versus.
Dennis Alexio. So Don the Dragon Wilson is like
a legend in kickboxing. Like when there was no
money in kickboxing. 54 and 1. Yeah. Look at
that hairline. He was a monster. God, that's
what I'm looking for. He was so good. So he fought
this guy, Dennis Alexio. And Dennis Alexio, who
was a fucking assassin, but he didn't understand
leg kicks as well as Don did. So get a little
further on this. See, Don just kicked his fucking
legs out from under him. And Dennis Alexio was
a tank. He was actually in one of those John
Connors. in Van Damme movies. Oh, really? He
was in Kickboxer. I love Kickboxer. He was like
his brother that got killed by Tong Po. That's
right. When he kicked the column. Number three.
So this was a really important fight because
it was one of the first fights between kickboxers.
He started leg kicking them. And by the way,
Don the Dragon Wilson, as good as he was, was
not a tie. He wasn't like a real expert or a
Dutch guy like Ernesto Hoost or any of the greats.
There were so many great guys that came out of
Holland. He was a guy that was like an American
guy who learned how to do leg kicks and started
fucking people up with them when they allowed
them. Were the Dutch nasty at it because they
colonized Southeast Asia? They were so nasty.
No, hold on. First of all, they were big. Yeah,
but was it because they colonized Southeast Asia?
I don't know, man, but there's so many great
guys. Why else would they be good? Listen, man,
there's Rob Kamen, who's one of the greatest
of all times. Ernesto Hoos, Peter Ertz. Do you
think the possible Dutch brought it to Southeast
Asia? No, they learned it. No, they learned it.
They learned it. They were down there. They learned
it, but they were way bigger. When World War
II popped off, it was Japan attacking Dutch colonies
to get the rubber in Southeast Asia. So they
were down there. Is that what it was? Yeah, that's
why the Dutch were always down there. That's
why they had Sri Lanka forever. They had East
Timor. Oh, yeah. They ran the shit. That's why
they're good at kickboxing is because they colonized
Southeast Asia. The Dutch are the best colonizers
because once they had everything, they're like,
you guys can take it back. With certain countries
like, go ahead, we're done. Because they were
tiny. They were like fucking Cincinnati. They
were number one. Yeah. They did what England
did. They just became a bank. They did that.
They did that. There's more money in that. The
Dutch kickboxing roots can be traced back to
the 1970s. Dutchmen traveling to Japan learned
Japanese kickboxing, which blended elements of
Kyokushin karate and Muay Thai. And Japan, not
Southeast. Over the next 50 years. Are you watching
Shogun? Oh, my God. It's awesome. It's fun, right?
How good is it? It's like a Japanese Game of
Thrones. Bro, Shogun is good. Game of Thrones.
I guarantee they ruin it. I guarantee they put
ladies in it. They put ladies in it. Ruined the
story. They already put ladies in it? No. There
was an article written, why are there no black
people on Shogun? And people are like, it's because
it's about Japan. It's 1600s. What the fuck are
you saying? 1600s Japan. You're fucking swinging
every virtue flag you have. Leave it. Let's get
black people on Shogun. That's so crazy. I know.
That is so bananas. That's so bananas. That could
be good. Why were there no Japanese people on
Alien? What the fuck are you talking about? What
are you saying? Why were there no black aliens?
What are you saying? It's a movie, you fuck.
Why is there no women in Reservoir Dogs? Because
it's a movie. It's about a bank robbery. It's
a movie about a moment. It happens to have only
guys in it. That's okay. Just like the Barbie
movie's okay. It's fine. It's all Barbie. It's
fine. That's not real life. Barbie movie when,
have you guys seen it? It was great. I enjoyed
it. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, I liked it. I did
not have a problem with it. Really funny. And
I had a problem with people who had a problem
with it. There's no competition. It's a good
movie. It's a good movie. Where are the black
people in the show? There was one. I guess there
is one in the show. No. Of course. Yeah, there's
a character. But this is complaining. Oh, Blackthorn.
Okay, I haven't gotten to that episode yet, you
son of a bitch. Is it that good? It's fucking
good, dude. It's fucking good. No, why would
the war? Way better. Way better. And historical.
By the way, fuck me. Fuck me. But why the awards?
Who cares? To me, it's better. Because I'm fascinated
by Japanese culture. Is it as well done as that?
Is it real as that? Better than Married With
Children? Yeah. Whoa. Why the fucking son of
anarchy? It was cool. It was right away. I believe
this. Sons of Anarchy would be awesome if it
was on HBO. Yeah. Yeah. If they got to go gangster.
First couple years, dude. Right, right, right.
Entirely. Right, 100%. It opens up with him.
That show would be incredible. Incredible. It
opens up with him executing a stalker and then
fucking her while he's bleeding out. It was pretty
fucking good right away. They got wild at the
beginning. At the beginning, it was pretty fucking
good. Later, it was like, eh. Then they got that
sweet, sweet ad money. When they went to Ireland,
it was like, what are we doing here? I have a
Bud Light. The Hell's Angels should be a show.
They were all on crank. Did you ever read Hunter
S. Thompson's book, Hells Angels? No, no. It's
fucking great. No way. Shane, I got some bad
news for you. I had read chapters of it, but
I never like... What happened? We're out of BLs.
Sorry to overtalk, but... No, we have more beer.
This is the Joe Rogan experience. Throw $1 million
at the problem. You don't think we have cases?
Jamie. Jamie. Beer available to an esteemed guest
like Shane Gillis? And bring that manure over
here, will ya? Train by day. Train by day. Oh,
yeah, get Carl out of here. Look at that. Carl's
like a 9 -11. Isn't that the greatest promo of
all time? I love it so much. That's crazy. The
Diaz brothers are king. They are king. But when
Nick said that, I had no expectation. I couldn't
believe he said it. I was like, oh, my God. That's
our new introduction. Yeah, you just made it.
Yeah, shout out to Red Band. Red Band put it
together. What happened? It's funny to see when
you were there. Yeah, I was like, oh, my God.
Oh, shit, a shout -out? And Nick Diaz, like,
my podcast? I was like, this is incredible. That
was incredible. Meanwhile, I'm, like, fucking
in awe. The one time you took me to one fight,
and I was standing there, and Cameron Simons
won a fight. He's this little South African white
guy. South African bad motherfucker. He just
beat the fuck out of a guy, and then he stood
up and, like, ran over to where I was sitting.
It was like, hey, big fan man. I was like, wow.
I was like. I'm sitting there holding a beer
like, no way. That's the dopest shit of all time.
That's the dopest shit of all time. He literally
was on a dude's back. You know how many times
I've been with Theo and Dustin Poirier fights?
Dustin Poirier and Theo are homies. They'll,
like, fucking point at Theo after he wins. It's
nuts. It's amazing. How about when Dustin Poirier
said at the last UFC, I missed it? I missed it.
Because I'm just trying to get the most out of
him in an interview. He gave a William Montgomery
reference. Shut up. I ain't never going to stop.
No way. He literally said it, and it sounded
like William Montgomery, but my brain did not
register it. And afterwards, he and William Montgomery
have been doing DMs back and forth. Get the fuck
out of here. He talked about him on Instagram.
Comedy is huge. He's the man. Poirier's win that
night was the best. That was like the coolest
moment of the night. Louisiana, Lafayette. My
thoughts on that fight going in was that that
dude is a dangerous grappler. He's a judo black
belt, started out as a fucking French special
forces guy. Saint -Denis. He's a dangerous motherfucker,
but Poirier has an advantage, stand -up. And
in stand -up, you can't bridge that gap that
quickly. Oh, yeah. How long have you been doing
stand -up? He's been doing stand -up since he
was a little kid. He's got a wicked... Wicked
everything. Everything is wicked. His leg kicks
are wicked. His striking is wicked. You can't
beat him. You get into the second, third, fourth,
and fifth rounds, you start making fundamental,
like, tactical mistakes. That's when conditioning
and just knowing what the fuck you're doing takes
over. And those guys with high -level experience,
they've been in hell. I know. Like, Poirier's
been in hell. I know. Absolute hell so many times.
I love Poirier, but Gagey, my favorite fighter.
Gage is your guy. He's amazing. He beat Poirier.
Poirier beat him before he beat him. I know,
but he won in the end. He won recently. He won
the second one. He won recently. Those guys can
fight ten times, and it might be five and five.
That's true. I love both of them, but I think
Gage is my favorite fighter. Poirier was black.
He passed me one of them. Yeah, he was. But Gage
is just an animal. Gage is awesome. You can't
stop him. He's fighting Max Holloway, UFC 300.
Really? Who's coming? Where is it? What city?
Where is it and when is it? It's in Vegas. Let's
go. April 13th, I think. Is that what it is,
Jamie? Let's go. Do it. Yeah, April 13th. Come
on, son. I don't know. I went to one with Theo.
Fuck, I'm doing a show in Austin. Where are you
going, bitch? I'm recording a special two weeks
later. Whoa. Two weeks? Two weeks. I've got to
be in the road. You'll be inspired. Yeah. Do
you have a game book that weekend? I'm going
to like Halifax or Ontario or something. You're
going to fucking do comedy for communists? A
bunch of fucking Trudeau bootlickers up there.
They don't even know who they're ruled by. They're
so mad. They just care about the lobster. They're
so mad right now. Yeah, the UFC is tough because
they're all cool. They're all fun. There's so
many good ones. Cheeto Sugar Sean was tough.
I love Sugar Sean. Because you love Cheeto. No,
because I love Cheeto. And Sugar Sean's the man.
He's cool. He's a cool guy. You can't like them
personally because they're going to get hit at
least once. I know, but of course you like them
personally. He's got the accuracy. It's not like
a football player where you're like, oh, you
got beat on that play. You're like, somebody
punched you in the face. Sorry about that. Sugar
Sean's cool. I've hung out with him a bunch of
times. He's awesome. I'm literally. He likes
comedy. Last time I saw him, I was like, could
you come please meet my friends? He's awesome.
Sugar Sean's awesome. Cheeto Vera's the bro.
Really? Both those things are true. They're both
the bros. They're both the bros. So then they
have to fight. You sit there and you go, God
damn. Yeah, they're both cool fucking dudes.
I love both those dudes. Yeah, they're both amazing.
It's real hard. And it's hard when you're doing
commentary on two people you love. Oh, yeah.
And when one dude is just piecing the other dude
up. Till the end? Sugar Sean put on a fucking
clinic. Oh, yeah. Till the end, though. Yeah.
And in the end, that's what Jason Perreault was
calling for the whole time. Make it a brawl.
Fuck this dude up. And he hit him with a shot
to the body and really hurt him. Oh, yeah. And
also. That was a good fight. Oh, yeah. No one
thought he had it. Oh, yeah, it got me. Oh, yeah,
it got me. But he also, Cheeto put on a clinic,
a chin clinic. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's got a good
chin. Good Lord. He might have the best chin
of all time. That knee to the face had him looking
at his ankles. Crazy. His head snapped so far
back. Have you ever seen it? Like on slow -mo?
His head snaps all the way back. All the way
back. And he kept going. And he never even stumbled.
No. I should have killed him. There was no indication
that he was wobbled, no indication that he was
hurt. He just fucking, still dangerous. He just
stepped back. Bro, he's an animal. He's an animal.
He refused to be hurt. All those guys like comedy.
Adesanya, Polkanovsky. BJ Penn used to like it.
I remember BJ Penn coming up to you at the weigh
-ins and be like, um, are you the guy from Like
a Mother? BJ's the man. You ever see that fucking
camouflage jacket that I wear, like puffy camouflage
jacket? Cheeto got me that. Come on. He was wearing
that. I go, bro, that is the dopest jacket I've
ever seen. He goes, you want one? I go, fuck
yeah. So he sent me one. Cheeto couldn't be.
He's the man, dude. He could not be cooler. Sugar
Sean's cool as fuck. Yo, I wish they didn't fight
and beat the fuck out of each other, but that's
just how it has to go. And at the end of the
day, you got to admire what Sugar Sean did. What
he did was masterful. Undeniable, dude. Undeniable.
He fucking. He's nasty. He's masterful. He shared
my special. He just keeps getting better, man.
That's awesome. That's awesome. That's fucking
amazing. That's huge. You know what met the world
to me? The first time I met Sugar Sean, it was
a fight you brought me to. I was in the back,
and he was like, I was like, hi, I'm Shane. He
was like, I know who you are. I was like. What's
up, dude? What's up, man? It's cool to meet you,
man. What's up, bro? Yeah. Fighters are some
of the coolest fucking people you'll ever meet.
Yeah, they're pretty laid back. Dude, we went
to the fight in Atlanta, this is years ago, with
Santino, and Theo was there. It was like Elvis
showed up. Theo was huge in the UFC world, and
then Poirier hugged him. And I was like, oh,
God, I'm nervous. Well, people in the UFC world,
first of all, it's like real similar thinking
ones. It's very similar. A lot of protect our
parks fans. UFC world. Bro, I can't tell you
how many bros come up to me like, when's the
next one, bro? Do I love when you're on the road?
And they go like, in this last week, like, when's
the next one? I'm like, coming up, actually.
I know now. Because in this culture, it's weird
for dudes to just get together and just be dudes.
Yeah. We're just so strange. Isn't that weird?
We're not allowed to be dudes. It's great, but
you can. You just have to achieve escape velocity.
You ever follow bros being bros? Instagram? No.
You would love it. It's a bunch of guys kicking
like boulders, like large boulders down a cliff.
And they're like, yeah! Or throwing ice on ice,
you know? Anybody need to know this guy? You
good? I'm good. Dudes being dudes. Yeah. Why
is that not okay? Women suck. Women are awesome.
They're so gay, dude. So good. That's similar
to a lot of gay. They like dick. There's a lot
of similarities. Women are gay. In a lot of ways.
Oh, yeah. If they weren't girls, they'd be gay.
You could laugh out a lot of dumb shit. Their
outfits and makeup. If they weren't girls, he'd
be like, oh, my God. They're so gay. But I think
women like dudes still. Women like dudes. Women
like guys. Yeah, which is gay if you're a girl.
Yeah, gay. Women are gay. That is gay. And they're
taking up the ass a lot of them. I don't know
what fucking sample group you're... I'll send
you a couple numbers. It's out there. Joe. Joe.
Joe, give me a look. Remember that joke? All
right, let's talk about fucking. Slacking on
a big brown dick. We're having fun. Yeah, girls
are gay. Imagine being a girl. What else? Imagine
all of a sudden you got transported into a girl's
body with a dude's mind, but a girl's needs.
So you need to get filled. That's quantum leap.
That's the real quantum leap. Or he's like, oh,
I'm a woman. Oh, I need it. I need my dick. And
you're so straight, but you want cock so bad.
It's like, I'm not thirsty, but I need a drink.
I need it. Yeah, but then the aftermath is a
bitch. Well, if you're a dude trapped in a girl's
body. I guess it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
You mean being gay? Being a lady who gets filled
is like, what are we doing after? Wait, what?
If they ever get to a point where it's genetic
engineering. where you can literally become a
woman and then go right back to being a dude.
Yeah. Which is a matter of going through a procedure.
That'd be nice. Get a new machine. A pill. Quick.
Would you be willing to do it for a couple of
days just to see what it feels like? No, I'm
not gay. 100%. Wait, for sex? 100%. I thought
you meant the life experience. Ew. I thought
you meant the life experience. I thought you
meant sex. Wanting their life experience is gay.
No, I meant a life experience. Yeah. You want
straight to getting filled, guys. Because you
want to get filled. You immediately want to get
stuffed. You want to get filled. Guys, I'll be
honest. Wanting the life experience is gayer
than hell. having gay sex. Just to see what it's
like to live like a bird? It's not wanting. It's
like fucking military service. No, dude. What?
I want to see what it's like to have everyone
looking at me for a minute. Yeah. I would like
a vagina for a minute. Well, you know how they
act. Can you give me a discount on that coffee?
Oh, you can? Great. You know how they have compulsory
military service in like South Korea and Israel?
Yeah. Maybe try out being a woman for a few days.
Gotta be a chick. Every guy. Get some coffee.
Don't get into it, chick. Oh, this is what they
mean when they say that. Right. Right. It seems
like you have multiple orgasms and getting double
stuffed. I'll take it. Double stuffed Oreos.
Who wouldn't want to be? Wait, wait. We're talking
about sex again. Oh, sorry. In my vagina. Being
afraid to drink things that people give you.
That's gotta be tough. Hold on. For real, though.
But a clit would be great. For real, though.
Allegedly. Wanting to experience being a woman
out of some type of fucking gay -ass sympathy
of like... Not sympathy. I wonder how hard it
is. Not sympathy. That's gay as fuck. Not sympathy.
It's better. Just have fun for a day. Free drinks
all night. Wouldn't be cool. I'll get you free
drinks. I've been asking for a decade. I'll give
you free drinks. Thank you. But you're going
to have to give up that fucking pussy. We'll
talk. What? Busy. Jesus Christ. You remember
that dude that had that fucking video where he
was talking about what he did to dudes in jail?
Oh, yeah. You remember that dude? Chris Rock
had a bit about it. Wait, do you know about...
Toss salad, man. Yeah, make him toss my salad.
Maple syrup or honey or whatever it was. Do you
know about SBR .org? Who? What? Do you know about
StopPrisonRape .org? Oh, yeah. You told me about
this. Multiple, like, survivors' poems. They
have poems? Yeah, they have poems. Damn, they
really knocked the gay right in on me. It's pretty
dark. It's pretty dark. What's next, a parade?
God, it's so funny making fun of guys who have
been assaulted. Yeah, that's tough, man. I bet
that poetry's good. Fuck Robert Frost. It rhymes.
It for sure rhymes. How many prison rapes do
people get in trouble for? What's the ratio?
That was a very intense video and making fun
of guys that get assaulted in prison does suck.
How many guys really think your asshole's a pussy
and what's wrong with them? I mean, I get it.
I've gone down on a chick's butt. Yeah, we all
have. Yeah, but that's a chick, not a dude with
a fucking bandana around his head. It's not a
clean butt. And a butt and a ball bag right in
your face. You make it decent, but how decent?
It's clean. How clean are you making that? Well,
they get the shower. In a prison shower. It's
all in the shower. It's literally a shit pipe.
Shit pipe. Good band. How clean can it be? Let's
eat off this fucking, all right, let's clean
it off. We'll dust it. It's crazy. Eat off the
sewer pipe. Eating ass has gone up tenfold. since
I was a kid. Girls did it. They had that scene
where she bent over the one hot chicken girls
and the guy was eating her out. You think that's
what started it all? Shot it up. Shot it up.
It's porno. Had nothing to do with porn, right
Ari? It helped too. That's what gave the girls
writers the fucking idea. You watch girls? Damn
it. He watched girls pretending if he had the
fucking girls he would be a girl. We talked about
it. That's so good, dude. You watch girls? That
wasn't a bad show. That gave her like two years.
First year was good. Second year got light. You
New York guys are different, dude. Me and Joe
are Texas guys. We're kind of fucking tough and
straight. We don't watch that show. We don't
watch that fucking show. We watch fucking BattleBots.
Yeah. The Scar Brothers. That's a 30 -year -old
joke. I watch Rodeo. You watch Sons of Anarchy?
Yeah, I watch a lot of Rodeo. No. We watch Rodeo
and BattleBots, dude. You guys are sitting back
home in gas, looking and watching fucking girls.
We watch prairie dogs get assassinated on YouTube.
Yeah, I do watch that. Oh, that's sad. Fucking
prairie dogs that shoot them with .50 calibers.
You know what's sad? You know what's sad? When
a fucking beautiful, beautiful horse steps in
a prairie dog hole and snaps its leg and you've
got to shoot it in the face. Ah. Fuck prairie
dogs. Why? Just say that. No, prairie dogs are
good boys, dude. What about a cow? Beautiful
cow. What about those landmines? I do love cows.
Beautiful cow that can provide you with many
robots. Cows are so fun. Don't they send dogs
out in the Middle East to run over landmines?
No. Yes. They send fucking people. They do that,
too. Oh, that's better. They'll let fucking...
Jews? People run across. All right, good. Well,
we got to get those landmines out. Yeah, we're
not going to get those. Oh, don't you dare. Oh,
that was a beaver. Let me show that guy. Show
me that man again. Was that a groundhog? Oh,
you're such an adorable cat. Prairie dogs. They're
so cute. At least they're gone. You don't see
it like the JFK assassination. It's just gone.
Look at these cocks. Oh, man. I'm talking landmines,
J -Mo. Oh, man. Do they eat those at least? These
aren't landmines. These are shooters. They don't
even eat them? Nobody's eating those. Oh. They
just get rid of them because they fuck up the
cows. J -Mo. What was that? It was already there.
Is that like groundhog or a caddyshack? There's
a prairie dog. What is it, a nutria? No. Those
are all right to kill. Those are giant. We're
supposed to kill those, right? They ruin the
plant life in Louisiana. Meanwhile, why is that
okay, but that's not okay? I don't know. One's
cuter. You know what's really not okay? Squirrels.
Squirrels are cute. They have fluffy tails. Squirrels
are great guys. You know who's great and underrated?
Opossums. They're cute. Opossums? Opossums are
fun guys. They're Irish. Wait a minute. Opossums
are disgusting. Well, that tail is bad news.
They look bad. What's the difference between
a possum and an opossum? Nothing. Oh. It's just
possum. It's like a cult and an occult. They
look bad. Occult? I got it. That's a thing, right?
Occult? Occult. Occult. Possum looks occult.
Like satanic shit. Yeah. Devil worshipping. See
if you can get some zebras running across a minefield.
No. Yeah, just unleash Jamie with the darkest
stuff. Wait till you see these guys clearing
out minefields with just animals they found.
Bring it on. I've seen that. Zebras? They just
find it. Whatever they got their hands on, though.
They just send them through minefields. Really?
Watch them detonate, yeah. Jew tunnel. Pull it
up. Did you say Jew -tah? Jew tunnel. Jew tunnel.
I said Jew talk. I was trying to make a Utah
connection. I was like, I am not. We got to make
a Jew turn. Well, Jew tunnels equally is nonsensical.
It has nothing to do with zebras. Zebras crossing
a minefield. Jew tunnel. You got to sit there
and go, what the fuck does that mean? What does
that mean even though? Hey, have we shamed you
out of using the stack of notes? No, he's still
got it. It's in my pocket there, Fetty. Let me
see how big it is. Well, I cut it down. It's
a Columns new joke that I had last night. He
has it ready. You cut it down in order to avoid
back pain? Yeah. But the amount of shit I get
on the road for this thing. Because of this show?
Thanks for this pod, yeah. Oh, my God, dude.
It's gotten worse. It's gotten far worse. It's
still there. It's so much bigger. That's way
less. It's so much bigger. You don't even have
that many jokes. 40 % is smaller. Did you write
down every joke multiple times? Don't fuck up
the order. All right, because that top one is
all my new shit. This is literally insane. He
does always have new. This is like right up there
with the writing in the movie Seven. In fairness,
he's always got new. I won't. I promise. That
top one. Just keep the top one abreast. Why are
you doing this? I like the writing. Try reading
that. That's my new shit. I need that. I won't
read it. I swear to you. You can read it. I just
don't want you to ruin it. That's a good 12 minutes
right there. They killed last night. Listen.
Crush it last night at the creek. It's a very
effective method. Mark's always got help. Mark,
you're a great comic. All right. All right. This
is still odd. Take it easy. Mark, you're one
of my favorite comics to watch. Shut the fuck
up. Every time you go on, I go, I got to see
what he's got. Shut up. No, it's true. Why? Why
are you being nasty? Well, you're being nasty.
No, I'm being honest. You're being nasty. Piece
of shit. Aggressively complimentary. Norman.
That's weird. Norman, that's a fact. You got
maps? Well, that was a thought. I needed something
to write on. You wrote on a map? Well, that's
what they give you at the hotel. You know you
have a phone, right? Dude, you've got the shining,
bro. I don't like the typing. I love the... Farts.
Queef. That queef bit kills. Dude, if you do
mass murder, these notes are going to be evidence.
Oh my God. A lot of this is working. It just
says farts, queef. If you ever try to apply for
a visa to another country, they're going to go,
let me see the notes. New page is good. Oh yeah.
Get a book. Pegging. Yeah, have it organized.
Why don't you have one of them little books?
What book? A notebook. It's called a notebook.
What are those little tiny books with a notebook?
Yeah, a moleskin. Get a moleskin. Yeah, it's
too hard on the back. That's not. You literally
have a football in your pocket. Oh, yeah. I've
been told that before. Football was a bad reference.
That's all I had. I was looking for catcher's
mitt. There you go. That's better. All right.
Crying orgasm is killing. You have a baseball
in your pocket. Soder has that one. What? You
got to watch that. Crying orgasm. Oh, he's got
a bit on that? His new shit, he did the mothership
last week, and I opened. He just put out a special,
and he's got a new 40 -something. Soder's rules.
He's a monster. He's a monster. He's a monster.
Soder's the most underrated. He's so good on
podcasts. He's in the top 20 of that, at least.
He's so good. What do you mean top 20? Of that.
He's in the top 20 comics. Of underrated. No,
he's in the top 20 comics. I'm saying easily
he's underrated. We're going to make awards again.
Yeah. He's underrated. People don't give him
his respect. He's awesome. I think he went to
the acting road and all this shit maybe. No,
he's finding his lane. This is what it is. He's
coming into his own right now. So it is. That's
what it is. I don't know. Yeah, he rules. Everybody's
like, oh, my God, they're so good. It was you,
Shane. It was you. It was like, oh, my God, this
guy's so good. And then the whole world knows.
Soder is the best. It's going to happen with
him. Yeah, but it's a weird process. And you
just got to kind of just keep grinding. Well,
I think you got to put it on the internet. Like,
you put a YouTube special out. Like Ari with
Jew. Like Ari with Jew. When Ari with Jew, when
that popped out, everybody was like, oh, OK.
He's a fucking legit comic. The special. The
special. It's called Jew. Soder's on the road.
It's on YouTube right now. Yeah, it's good. Literally
one month old right now, got a million views.
He's an animal. Yeah. Well, it's kind of nice
because there's so much YouTube shit and the
cream rises. Yeah. Prove that. It's also like
the community. If we say he's awesome, we're
not lying. No. We're not going to lie. If someone's
good, he's pretty good. He's working on it. He's
got potential. He's got something. But when you
get to that Soder level, you go, yeah, this guy's
fucking super legit. He's around. Go see him.
He came to the club. He murdered the whole weekend.
He only murders. Everybody was talking about
it. He always murders. Since the day I met him.
Yeah. And he's so nice. I've never seen him not
kill. Likeable. Fun dude. He's awesome. We didn't
kill Tony together. Someone mentioned Cat Williams.
He just goes into a Cat Williams. He got a standing
O at some point. It was crazy. He opened the
podcast with a Cat Williams impression. There
you go. He's like, I listened. It's crazy. And
then you're like, I can write a joke, but I can't
do any of these. So he can do the impressions
and the impressions, the voices. This thing about
drones are only fun in the United States. Fuck!
That's funny. That's so true. That's so true.
It's a fucking, it's an awesome time for comedy.
There's so many good guys coming up. It really
is. And you read the comments. We were like,
I can't believe it. I got Kill Tony on YouTube.
Then you got my favorite podcast. Then you got
my favorite comedian doing a new special. Everybody
likes what they like. It's great. It's a great
time. Yeah, quick and plain. They can find out
about so much stuff. There's so much stuff that's
available to see now. I know. But people are
getting spoiled. They're like, hey, that went
on Patreon. You fucking cum guzzler. I'm like,
I can't give everything away. You're just reading
comments. Most people are really happy. Yeah,
most people are happy. The overall thing is like,
wow, what a fun time to be a comedy fan. It is.
If I was a kid like I was when I was listening
to Richard Pryor tapes with my girlfriend when
I was like 16. Everybody loved that shit. This
is amazing. All the ideas like, oh, college kids
or whatever. No, they all like Adam Sandler.
They're always the generally fun fans. We have
a Dave Attell special coming out in a week. We
have a Dave Attell. He's on the podcast Friday.
Really? Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. I've seen it.
It gruels. It gruels. He's a monster. It gruels.
He's another one. He's so underappreciated for
the level. That's what I mean. Top 20 of underrated.
It's a weird plus minus. Well, you know what
it is? It's like, guys, putting Soder in the
top 20 underrated comics is awesome. You're saying
leave him out of the top 20? No. I'm saying no
matter what the argument is, he's in there. He's
a great comic. There's an earthquake and scrunch
show. Why are we rating? You're saying underrated
versus talent. This is how dumb they are. When
I say top 20, I mean it goes. Don't even talk
about it anymore. He's in this range of, like,
whatever. The point is, he's great and he's underrated.
I think he's trying to cover up for his bullshit.
I think so, dude. No, I'm saying, when you talk
about, like, Louis, you're, like, top 20 of all
time. It doesn't matter what kind of comedy you're
into. He's in there. Let's move on to the next
thing. We got a David Tell special coming up.
Yeah, that's great. The problem is, dudes are
so gross, we have to argue about shit we agree
on. I'm with Ari. David Tell is top 20 underrated
comics. Yes. That's what you said. He's top ten
comedians. I know, but I'm saying also underrated.
I'm saying people don't give him his due. He
is underrated. He is underrated, but do you understand
what I'm saying? Can we just say he's awesome?
Yeah. Can we just not argue like a bunch of fucking
queens? I agree. I also agree. I didn't start
the argument. You're the one who's a queen. You're
the one acting queenie. You guys are bad neighborhood,
back alley queens with knee scabs. Arguing over
stupid shit. We all agree. Most underrated is
a fun argument. Of any sport, of any whatever.
Then you go to, like, who's best versus ratings.
It's a fun argument. Who's the most underrated
football player? It's fun. It's a fun argument.
Who's the most underrated fighter, Ari? Chris
Brown. Ben Henderson. Oh. Dan Henderson? Benson.
Benson Henderson. Yeah, because he was great
and maybe... the most wins versus whatever, dominated
his division, people don't give him much respect.
That's the fucking, that's the formula I'm talking
about. It's a fun argument. It's a fun argument.
He's more of a pioneer. But it's a fun argument.
Who's the most underrated? It's a fun argument.
All time. All time, not appreciated. World champion,
all time. Underrated doesn't mean best or worst.
Right, right, right, right. You have to take
rating into account. That's actually a really
good one. That's a real good one. Who? Thank
you. One episode of Five Nights at Freddy's.
Sorry, what was the name? You son of a bitch.
Dan Henderson? Ben Henderson. Ben Henderson.
Benson Henderson. Give me one of those brewskis.
He was a killer. Oh, damn. What about Mighty
Mouse? Benson Henderson, he's a fun fact. Mighty
Mouse actually is a beast. He was one of the
greatest ever. I agreed. Iminari. Yeah. Underrated.
People don't know about him. His stats or his
highlight reels are fucking crazy. Jason Ellis,
skateboarder. Underrated. Great skateboarder.
I disagree. Underrated. Horrible skateboarder.
Wow. Top 10. Ellis? He was top 10 in his prime.
I don't know anything about the sport. No. He
was not? You know more than me. No, what are
you kidding? He wasn't like top 10 in his prime.
Top 10 in skating? Street skaters? No. He's got
a huge dong. A lot of tattoos. Not now. Back
then, before fucking Jackass got to him. No.
You're crazy. Wow. You're way off. There's so
many better skateboarders. No offense to him.
Street skateboarders of that time? No. He never
can be wrong. Have you noticed this? I'm saying
I'm giving up for you. You know more than me
on that. Shane, you feel this? It's a real flaw.
You know what he does, which is actually really
impressive? What? Is whenever he is wrong, he
goes, wow, I never. Congratulations to you. I'm
gracious. He would know more. It's a psychotic
moment. Oh, wow. I learned something. Thank you.
You never called it a black power speech. Interesting.
You're disgusting. I hate you. I think you made
that black power thing up. It's possible. Or
you're just not willing to see greatness. You're
not right. Because you hate black people. America.
America does rules. What's your guys' rules?
We're complaining about all types of gay shit.
What's your guys' favorite shit in America right
now, dude? My poop yesterday. Now we're all sitting
around going. Yeah, what's the best stuff? Let's
go positive. Cancer culture is bad. Whenever
there's a bunch of people telling you what you
can say and what you can do. No, that's a plus.
Always. The coolest thing is the people that
go, no. You can do whatever you want. And that's
what the coolest thing is today. And that's like
the punk rockers of today, the people that are
rebelling against this bizarre system that even
like the artists have somehow or another accepted
as being the right thing to think and believe
and trust and go along with, even though you
know you're in a fucking cult. And the people
that are resisting that, knowing you're going
to get labeled a fascist or a Nazi, just because
you see what the fuck is going on. people are
out of your mind how about everybody the fuck
alone those people are the coolest thing about
america because this is one of the rare places
on earth where you could still do that for now
without being prosecuted but why do we blow the
people who complain the most I feel like they're
the biggest voices. We don't. We spend the most
time talking about them. But only if you pay
attention. If you don't pay attention to that,
it goes away, like radio. I know, but when Elvis
was shaking his hips and they're like, can you
believe it? This is appalling. This is inappropriate.
Why are we listening to them still? People just
loved Elvis. But why would you want to be that
guy? Why would you want to be that guy? It is
funny. You're a hater. It's funny when you see
somebody going, this guy, Jordan missed three
shots today. Don't be on that side. Exactly.
Listen, not everybody's going to make it. That's
the reality. If you're all running from wolves,
not everybody's going to make it. There's going
to be a bunch of people that get taken out. Yeah.
That's the only way that we stay alive. It feels
like a weird stance to take. Like, I'm upset
about this. I'm going to complain about that.
You're like, this is your lot life? Of course.
But you're concentrating on the musings of more.
But you're doing it too. But we know these people.
But you're doing it too. Yeah. Forget that. All
right. What's the great shit out there? All right.
Soder. Soda, a lot of specials coming out. There's
a lot of great shit out there. This is a great
time. UFC is great. You said it best, Ari. You
said comedy is awesome right now because it's
dangerous. It's dangerous. It's fun. People get
so mad and everyone laughs at them walking out
angry. And it's better. The reactions are better.
You got to be grateful. It rules. We should be
so grateful. It's so popular right now. The failures
among us are making more. I got to host Saturday
Night Live. Shane got to host Saturday Night
Live. He's not even a model. Because all those
people complained. Pushed him up. If they didn't
fire me, I would have never hosted that motherfucker.
That's true. I would have still just been on
there. Yeah. I know. I just get weirded out.
People we know are angry about stuff that's cool.
I know, but you want to give them a hug. You
want to give them a hug. You're like, let's go
for a hike. People we know, comedians, are like,
can you believe you said this and said that?
I'm like, I'm a comedian. I have filtered all
those people out of my life. I don't want to
name names. No, there's a lot. You know what
I'm talking about. You've got to figure out how
to change conversations. I don't know. Generally,
what everyone has to do is, as they talk, talk
about that horrible shit, just be like, hey.
Great weather today, huh? Or I don't know, whatever
it is. What the fuck kind of advice is that?
Shift conversation away. That's crazy. He just
wanted to talk. Race relations sucks. You got
to go, hey, juicy, I see the new development
in this. I've hung out with you at comedy clubs.
That's not how you talk. That is too much. Have
you had this, McAllen? It's great. With this
advice, you should be president. Exactly. Bring
us all together. 100%. Your advice is so rock
solid. I'm saying, everybody downs you with fucking.
Hey, you see the... Talk about the weather, guys.
Can't you just go with something fun? Here, Ari,
practice. I'll go, hey, you see the genocide
going on in Gaza? No, but, dude, there's a hike
up there that is so fucking good. You can go
up to Masada. Not right now. Ari, they'll shoot
you. You're a Jew. That's a different side. They'll
shoot your nose off. Negative, negative, positive.
Bro, they have long -range rifles. They'll fucking
kill you. You can still go to Masada. There's
no doubt if they see you in the crosshairs, oh,
yeah, that's one of them. Dude, I love it. As
soon as I got back from me, everyone's like,
oh, there's a genocide going on there. I'm like,
I don't know, man. It was pretty fucking cool.
Tea leaf salad's great. You at the cool genocide?
I wasn't at the genocide! You guys are nuts.
I should have been. No, we're not nuts. We're
just like trying to get you to clarify. I'm saying
focus on positive shit. Oh, yeah. Ignore the
genocide. Talk about the weather. Ignore the
genocide. Ignore the genocide. All right, well,
you guys ruined fucking conversation without
genocide. Well, I'm just saying. Shut up. It's
just weird that that's people's lot life. What
do you mean shut up about the genocide? Shut
up. Let's have fun. I agree. Yeah, let's just
ignore all the horrific things that are happening.
Well, let's focus on the genocide a little. Yeah.
I think we should focus on the genocide. Genocide
slightly and then have fun once we figure that
out. Which what? Which genocide? Yeah. You want
to go down that road? There's a couple genocides
going on. How many of the multiple genocides
going on right now do you want to focus on? What
about the Uyghurs? Should we focus on that for
a while? Should we take a break from having a
good time with bros and be like, let's focus
on genocide? You ever heard of a bar where somebody
brings up a fucking genocide? It's the lamest
conversation, guys. No one likes it. What I'm
saying is you have a tool ready to go, change
conversation away from fucking dumb shit like
genocide and horrible shit like politics and
have it come back to some, hey, did you see this
new movie? Oh, that was great. I'm not talking
about genocide. I'm talking about people annoyed
by a word or a joke. Same shit. When it comes
up, you're like, let's shift this conversation.
All right, I'll shift. The problem is social
media, right? Yeah. Adam Schiff. Because those
people will post it. And then they get a bunch
of other cucks. Pile on. It's going to be a vicious
clip. But I'm saying, in real life, don't you
think you should have a tool to steer a conversation
away from the dumb, angry, anger -inducing stuff?
Of course. So I'm saying, as a society, we've
got to stop having these conversations. All right,
all right. Let's shift. As soon as politics,
religion, genocide, any of this dumb shit comes
up. The negative shit was like, guys, what are
we doing? That one seems important. Sure, sure,
sure. That's what everybody says about their
thing. Let's shift. It's not my thing. You guys
ever go on Netanyahu .com? Go on his OnlyFans.
Ask Jews. Imagine if he had an OnlyFans. God,
you hear both sides of this stuff get so fucking
downery. No, no, no. If we're going back to comics
that became... Look, I'm not worried about comics
that are actually righteous and have a good point.
It's just the comics that became like... Speakers.
Like just CNN Democrat. Yeah. Hardcore. You know
what they have in common? It's weird. You know
what they have in common? That's insanity. Low
ticket sales. All of them. Anytime you see somebody
start to post a lot about politics. Especially
if you're talking about like a hardcore Democrat
politics or other comedians. Yeah. Almost entirely.
Well, it's weird. They'll get mad at you. You
see people and it's all they talk about and it
becomes like, ugh, you're just not doing jokes.
Yeah. You're focusing on external things because
you're not happy with the way you're being received.
Yeah. Or it's making you not just write a joke.
I was going to do a joke about it, but Jimmy
Carr did it. And it's how, like, if you go on
stage and you're like, for real, I didn't mean
that. I'm sorry. They still won't believe you.
It's like, you'll not believe my apology, but
you'll believe the joke. They want to believe
it. You want to believe the joke. That's the
weird thing. It's a game. They're just playing
I got you. They're playing I Got You. But why?
This is what you want to do with your life? Because
it's just a fucking game. It's just like playing
fucking pickleball. It's the same shit. It's
just they're playing a game. They're trying to
win. If they get you to complain about it, you
lost too. I guess so. Exactly. You let them do
it. Now you're corny. You do to a certain extent,
but sometimes you can make things seem as foolish
as they actually are. And if someone else isn't
doing it, maybe you should. Like, at a certain
point with some arguments. It really depends
on how much energy you want to invest in it.
Sure. And whether or not you recognize whatever
energy you put out on this thing is coming back
at you, like, times 100. Right, right. So you
have to, like, figure out what you want to engage
with and what you don't. Sometimes you should.
I just get confused by it. It's confusing because
you're not a fucking idiot. If you were a fucking
idiot, you'd be diving right in. Why would you
do that? Trying to get people to give you likes.
It's fools. It is fun to see a comic shitting
on another comic and you look down the time stamp
and it's like 2 .48 a .m. You should be DMing
a slut by your doing this instead. You went down
a YouTube rabbit hole. We're all going to die
one day. What are you doing? and it's Friday
night and you have 150 ,000 Twitter followers.
You don't do that when there's an after party.
What do you care about people who suck? Isn't
there so much awesome shit to pay attention to?
I know, we've got a great time here. But the
thing is, if people suck in your industry and
they're doing better than you... You just have
to understand, like, someone disagrees with you.
All these people that are going to see that guy,
they disagree with you. Like, you maybe should
think about your delivery. Maybe think about
what you are, like how you are being seen by
people other than you. Also, you're on the side
of everyone's having a good time. where you're
against that. Yeah. You decide that everyone
having a good time is bad? Yeah, they're bad
because they don't love you. Not walking out,
let me go fucking do something else. You hate
good, fun stuff. My friend is an agent. She's
like, uh... So who do you know that's funny?
Because we're getting back into the funny stuff.
We're not checking boxes anymore. We're getting
back into funny. 500 people. We're getting back
into funny? You're a comedian agent. What a hilarious
thing to say. But that's a true sentence. We're
going to focus on the funny. We're going back
to funny. We're forgetting this and that. It's
all about funny now. I'm like. JFL used to be
buck wild. They used to have a naughty show.
They would show you the best, coolest stuff,
the people who would get down in our life for
the shortest amount of time possible. And anyone
who could be good, they'd be like, here it is.
And now it's like, here's a bunch of check boxes.
No one bothers going. Yeah. But was that a DEI
thing? Was that a money thing? They didn't hold
the line. All these clubs hold the line. But
that's why UFC is the winner. UFC's the winner.
Are you going to do well? Hold the line. Who's
better at grappling? Who's better at fighting?
And it's, by the way, the most diverse company.
That's also what comedy does, too. Comedy clubs
hold the line. No, they don't. They're booking
whoever's funny. That's when they don't. That's
when they don't hold the line. That's when they
don't book the funny. They're booking whoever
sells tickets. Ari, you're concentrating on comedy
clubs and festivals the same way. idiots yeah
comment festivals are gay and gay yeah but hold
the line of funny you've seen clubs go from like
great bookers to like suddenly like what happened
here i'm telling you as a guy no the mothership
is holding the line but yeah but i'm telling
you it's not easy to do you have to have extraordinary
resources to hold the line yeah but that's the
reason because you have to have money to fight
to say fuck you You have to be able to say, fuck
you. Egan used to have a list of people that
would show the lineups to only one woman or less
on the lineups. And he's like, well, you didn't
show yesterday's when there's four women. And
he'll look back and go, I wish I would have just
booked funny. But he was getting pressure. He's
a Holocaust denier. No, no, no. You have to understand.
He's getting pressure from people that own the
club who are getting pressure from other outside
sources. And I'm saying, hold the line. You'll
just do well financially. You'll do well comedically.
Everyone will be happy. Just book funny comics.
You've got to be willing. to let it all fall
apart. Yeah. If you have a business and this
is the only way you make money and you have 50
employees and all of them are dependent upon
you to keep the doors open. Yeah. If you have
an email campaign or some kind of crazy campaign
or protest or something, you run the risk of
losing money and you get scared. Most comedy
clubs, most comedy clubs, Ari, most comedy clubs
make a little bit more money than it takes to
run the place. Most comedy clubs. Right, right,
right. They don't do great. Yeah. So in order
to do— So you're saying that Seattle Place should
ban those people because it's not holding the
line? What are you, Captain Straw Man? No, I'm
saying hold the line. I'm saying hold the line,
book funny people, and don't worry about them
because they're not real people. They're not
real people. Ari, most do. Yeah. Great. You're
concentrating on the few that can't. No, I'm
saying hold the line. When you have a good club
that books good comics, it's great. And then
suddenly they don't hold the line. And then you're
like, oh, you're just booking people who sell
tickets. Well, the craziest non -holding the
line is the Canadian place that banned Dave,
Louis, and who else? Schultz? Louis Gomez. Oh.
Seattle. Dave Smith. Jim Florentine. Jim Florentine.
Seattle. Who else? One more person. Seattle.
One more person. Dave Smith. No, no. Seattle?
Florentine. Oh, Seattle. You're right. Seattle.
I thought Canadian. Because they're behaving
like Canadians. Yeah, they're not holding the
line. They're not just like, we're just going
to make fun of you. You guys do whatever the
fuck you want. But they don't understand that
they just Bud Lighted themselves. And that's
what's going to happen now. Hey, Bud Light's
great. It is great. But there was a thing that
happened. You remember? Before you? No, no, no.
I don't. I don't. Before you. But that's what
happens. That's what happened to Google when
they released that fucking Gemini AI that showed
the founding fathers as being all black people.
And all the Nazis were diverse. It's not going
to work out for you. Just do what's good and
don't fall prey to that. I understand. But they
don't know that. They're just trying to stay
alive. I'm just telling you that comedy club
owners, for the most part, are barely making
it. Right. They're just doing okay. They're doing
okay, and they have maniacs working for them.
I have to fucking count on a guy like you showing
up. You're dropping bathtub acid you got from
some dude in the parking lot on Friday night.
I'm telling these comic clubs, if you actually
do want to make a living, don't fall prey to
what the fucking bloggers are saying. Just book
Who's Funny. Just book the good comics. You're
right. Forget all that. As a club, when you get
a world of shit online, it's scary. It's scary,
but I'm saying hold the line. Don't fall prey
to it. I know, but they're scared. Just book
the great comics, and we'll keep coming out in
droves. If they have good social media and good
marketing, that's possible. But if they fucked
up and they went all Ice House, and they don't
have... Yeah, then it sucks. Then you have a
real problem. Ice House did that? Well, the Ice
House never was good at booking the show. I say
Ice House not in reference to the new Ice House,
but with the old one. The old one was one of
the greatest clubs of all time, but on so many
nights, it'd be just the worst comedy there.
It just wasn't good. Yeah. You know, because
they didn't have anybody that was booking it
correctly. And then you could come in and you
could do shows there and it'd be amazing. You
could book your own shows, put it on your Twitter.
It would be amazing. But then you come the next
night when you didn't do that. You're like, what
the fuck is going on here? They didn't establish
the right social media presence. They didn't
establish the right email list. They didn't have
a good book. But look what happens to like a
JFL who doesn't hold it. And it was like, we'll
just book what we think you guys will want. And
then it's like, actually, nobody really wants
that in terms of ticket buyers. Well, we want
to laugh. So just fucking stay with what's funny.
You will be good. Well, they're finding out,
bro. They're finding out now. Who cares? They're
finding out. But that industry is fueled by Hollywood.
Yeah. Just for Laughs was always in bed with
Hollywood. And it never figured out how to disconnect
itself even after Hollywood wasn't valid anymore.
It should have been just like, this is the best
comics that we know of that are alive right now.
Skankfest. Forget all the books. Skankfest. Nope.
Exactly. No upscale tickets for the fucking industry.
With Skankfest. Exchange bill. You can't get
tickets. Shane did bail on that. Shane did bail
on that. But this speaks to what you're saying.
Skankfest, you fucking can't get tickets. It
sells out. It's fucking swarmed. Hold the line.
That's what people want. Mike, when you get to
my level, you'll bail. I'll be there every year.
Hey, good luck, buddy. It's Tim, Bill, and Shane
on Sunday. Everyone's like, I think they might
be coming. One day, I'll bail. One day, when
you get to me, you can bail, bud. I think he's
going to hold the line. I'm going to hold the
line. Hold the line. We'll see. Then I'll snort
it. I actually got sick. I'll be there this year.
Yeah. I'll be there every year. I actually genuinely
got very sick. It's a fun time. I'm going this
year. It's a blast. It's an important thing for
comedy. My agent pushed back every year, and
I'm like, I got to go. You got to go. It's an
important thing for comedy, because it's a festival
made by comics for comics. Yeah. Wild. It's a
wild festival. Oh, yeah. Bunker beer. I already
had like four of them. Nah. One more. I don't
see any cans. You're talking too much. Also,
come to Skank Fest, Joe. No, you're not. You're
not. Ari is. Ari is talking about gay ass shit.
You guys are fighting about stuff you actually
agree with. You're talking about gay ass shit
when I'm talking about important shit. I don't
give a fuck about some Seattle club that fired
fucking Lewis. They fucked up. Yeah. And Lewis
was cool about it. And they're done. Stop attacking
this club. They do what they want to do. I do
what I want to do. Yeah, that's fair. That's
when you know you won. That's the kind of shit
you say. Yeah, you go, all right, whatever. Respect
to my opponent. He's a good man. Thanks for showing
up. Yeah, he went the bigger man on there, which
is good of Lewis. Easy, big fella. There you
go, fatty. Chugging down. This is cold. This
is a cold one, and he's putting it down, dude.
Damn, that was fast. Damn, Joseph. Such a nice
feeling. Yikes. If you did that in Iraq, they'd
shoot you. They'd throw you off a building. Did
you do that in Iraq? From an eagle. Yeah, if
you try to marry a guy. Iraq, if you bomb the
beer, they'd be furious. You know what my favorite
meme is? Don't waste it. Gays for Palestine?
Yeah, gays for Palestine and Palestine for gays.
Gays for Palestine rules. And they still push
in there. They're still on board with it. I swear
to God that's a Jewish psy -up, bro. It's Russia.
It's Russia and China. That's a psy -up. Yeah,
it's all a psy -up. What's a psy -up? What does
that mean? A psychological operation designed
to subvert the people's opinions about things.
Gaslight you. It's a good trick. Yeah. China's
doing it right now. That's why everyone's trans.
It's happening. It's real. It's, you know, one
school, they found that 50 -something percent
of the kids identified as LBGTQ or non -binary.
Just joking around. 50 %? Yeah, 50%. Jesus, that's
way up. What are the odds that that's real? Zero.
Well, Dr. Phil. Zero. I like that Dr. Phil. He's
a good man. He said it best. What? I can't remember.
Oh, he said, if it's all about equity and equality,
why the fuck am I paying $150 ,000 for this college?
If it's all going to come out equal in the wash,
what am I going to the school for? They never
do the math on it. Which is a good point. Well,
the thing is, we're entering into a world where
AI is going to eliminate most jobs. Yep, 30 %
of jobs. We have to realize that right now. If
you're involved in computer programming, good
luck. Fuck face. I know they told you you're
supposed to major in this. Fuck face. If you're
studying that. But by the way, you can learn
from that and go on. Jamie, what was your major?
Walmart. What I got is recording arts, but it's
bullshit. Recording arts. No, gender studies.
Whatever it was. Kinesiology. That's why you
got that girl name, dude. Became the number one
podcast producer in the world. Yeah. How? Just
doing different stuff. Not humble at all. No.
Is that your business card? Yeah, I'm getting
a little nasty. I'm going to drink a little nasty.
Leave my Jamie alone. He's a good man. I love
Jamie so much. Jamie, how come you don't come
to my house anymore? You've been gone. Come hang
out with me, man. Since you've been gone. I need
to bring you that meat thermometer. I bought
a meat thermometer for you. Oh, that's a gay
code. No. It's not gay. No, no, no, no, no. It's
about digital. Dude, it unlocks me. It unlocks
grilling. Yeah. It unlocks grilling. There's
no guesswork anymore. Can I see that bong? Norman
needs one. It just unlocks it. I'm knee deep
in whiskey. Norman, you haven't finished it.
You had that for an hour. Suck on this eagle's
asshole. It's a new cup. No, you've had that
for two hours. All right. Shut up and suck on
this eagle's asshole. Bring it on, fatty. Put
it in my ass. Fuck it. That's my favorite thing
that you call me. Yeah. It's fatty. I like when
you call me fatty. I like when he calls you fatty.
I feel a little less pressure. I only say it
to people who are not fat. It's a good thing
when you call to me. You set it up to my Conan.
You're like, good job, fatty. Because it's not
one of my insecurities. I don't like being short.
So when you call me fatty, I'm like, that one
doesn't even register. I don't like when they
call you short. I never call you short. It doesn't
bother me. I call you shorty. It's a term of
endearment. You called me fat earlier. I love
a piece of shit. That was me. I said you're a
big fat fuck. I didn't call you fat. He said
the amount of fuck you are is fat. Does anybody
that loves you more than I do, they're related
to you? I never called you a short little tiny
guy. But I am. But I don't do that because I
love you. I actually love you, so I don't call
you tiny guy. I only said it because it was important
for trying to get a laugh. No, you were reading
a kickboxing book and you were gay. It's too
cold. Oh, you didn't finish it? Give me that,
Marcus. Oh, you son of a bitch. You have to finish
it. I didn't finish it. I thought I didn't, but
I did. You can't give people your backwash. No,
no, that's all clean. Bro, you ever see those
people that make beer? They make this fermented
beverage and the women spit into it? What? Yeah,
Bourdain told me about it. Pull it up. He went
to this place and they made him drink this shit.
And he's like, dude, this lady was spitting in
it. And you have to drink it. I've had that.
It was some South American. I've had that. You've
had it? They spit into it. They bury it. They
spit into it again. They give you a bucket. And
you're like, how much did I drink? They're like,
as much as to not be insulting. That's not kosher.
You're going to fucking drink a bucket of fucking
- Where was it? Where were you? Ecuador, the
Amazon. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Damn. New podcast.
You'll be tripping out now. Yes. More stories
of this. Can I give you advice? I actually wanted
to talk to you about this. Okay. I don't think
you should have a podcast that's about anything
other than everything. Yeah, I like to hear about
travel. Yeah, I hear you. But you can always
hear about travel. Let's do another podcast.
No, but no, no, no, no, no. Uh -oh. Just Ari
Shaffir sees the world. Yeah. It doesn't matter
if it's travel. It doesn't matter if it's fucking
some AI dork. It doesn't matter. A shoot the
shit podcast like this one. Just you. Yeah, I
hear you. Just you. But don't limit yourself.
I hear you. That's another one. The thing that
always drove me crazy is like you had to have
these themes for every show. And I'm like, but
it never stuck on theme when you and I get it.
The only time it ever stuck on theme, you and
I reviewed one of my comedy specials. Oh. One
of my earliest, earliest comedy specials. That's
risky. Which one was it? God. That'd be tough.
I think it was, like, my first one. No. No? No,
usually I did a first one, but that one, because
I was on tour with you, was not that one. Oh,
I think it was Talking Monkeys in Space. Talking
Monkeys in Space, yeah. Was that Denver? That
was fun. It was, no. Yes. No, Ohio. That was
Ohio. Ohio, yeah. Yeah, Rocky Mountain High was
Denver. But it was, like... Yeah, that's a fun
one. You had this thing where you would, like,
have guys, like, review their comedy. And, like,
I had not listened to it and fucking... 20 years
so i forgot about it all i was like well this
is crazy but that's also okay too Yeah, absolutely.
Instead of having this Ari Shaffir sees the world.
I get what you're saying. You're saying that's
all I can do. No, no, no. But I'm saying that's
just one thing. Travel podcast. You'd be tripping
out now. Mark Norman's on tomorrow. But I'm saying
there's lots of other stuff you could do, too.
Right, like this thing. You know what we should
do? Trust me. Trust me. Trust me about this model.
We should go to Spain to discuss Spain. We should
go to Spain to discuss Spain. I would like to
discuss Spain in Spain. Why don't we bring some
equipment and we'll do it in Madrid? Okay. Fatador.
That's fun. No, that is funny. It wasn't Madrid,
though. It was outside Madrid. There you go,
Mark. There you go. We've been waiting for three
hours. But my point is, Ari. Let's do that. Ari,
you can do all those things together. I have
MMA podcasts. I think you have more than one
thing. I think you doing travel ones are all
right, though. Yeah, it's cool. But it's okay
to mush them all together. Absolutely. Or you
do lots of different things. I think you should
Bourdain it. I think you should actually do it.
Kill yourself. I do. I do some of those in foreign
places. But do that, too. But here's my thing.
Put it all under one hub. But, yeah. Instead
of having it all in a bunch of different podcasts,
like I like the travel one, but I don't like
the music one, put it all together. I get it.
That's a good point. High -level yoga as well.
Ari Shafir. This is the name. This is the name.
You've never done it? You can't touch your toes?
This is the name. I'll touch my toes right now,
dude. Okay. Watch this. Not bad. Not bad. Fair
enough. Ari Shafir. You can't touch your toes.
Ari Shafir sees the world. Ari Shafir sees the
world. Yeah. Dumb Jew, that's a pod. Dumb Jew
is a pod. That's not bad either. Yeah. Especially
right now. A lot of people click on it just for
hate. Yes, I agree. Yes, yes. These dumb Jews.
You could be like, stand up here. Travel podcast
you've been tripping about now. Travel podcast
is not here. Just out there. It's all under the
umbrella of these guys doing shit. I think travel
podcast. One. One. Put it all together. It is
all together if you search Ari Shaffir. No, one
podcast with all those things connected. Don't
have multiple podcasts. We do different things
like travel and eat food and do yoga. That was
my old one. Just put them all together. Ari Shaffir
sees the world. You got a lot of content. Put
them all together. There is a new travel podcast
out right now. But if you have it, if you call
it Ari Shaffir sees the world, it's everything.
It's everything you do. It's anything all together,
and it's just you. That's what you need. You
don't need a bunch of people downloading. I don't
want to subscribe to four different fucking podcasts.
Shut the fuck up, stupid. Put it all together.
My status on a podcast. Whatever the fuck. I'm
not talking about you. He can't lose. He can
never admit he's wrong. What? He can't admit
he's wrong. Well, what are you saying? Because
he has a skeptic tank or whatever. Skeptic tank
was great. Skeptic tank was that. It was dead.
But it wasn't that. It was themed. But it was
also Seize the World. We did stuff about areas.
But you had a theme. I will say, I did your pod,
and it's a good idea. I did it, too. But it's
all us talking about our bullshit travel. We're
trashing this pod right now. I'm just saying.
No, we're trying to boost it. I missed you. I
missed talking to you. We're trying to boost
it. I know. We also do that. You're saying start
another podcast. Ari Shaw now. Seize the World.
I see you in the top ten of iTunes right now.
Do it better than anybody. Can I have an opinion?
Well, obviously not. When it comes to podcast
advice, maybe you should listen to the guy who
might have invented it. Just listen. But what?
What are you going to say? You've been wrong
every time you've ever suggested anything when
it comes to podcasts. You are consistently wrong.
I have one of the best early new podcasts in
the world. In 2003? Yeah. The fuck are you talking
about? I love you. Yeah. I think you suck. I
think you're very, I think you got a little gay
ass Bourdain in you. Yeah, I got a Bourdain in
me. You got a little bit. I think if you do the
travel pod and you actually incorporate traveling
into it. Great. Oh my God. I think that would
be wonderful. Let me tell you. Those episodes
are coming. Mark Norman, have you peed yet? No.
Those episodes are coming, Shane. I did. I didn't
know we were competing. I've done them in France.
I've done them in Romania. I've done them in
other places. Let's go to Spain and do yours.
100%. That's part of it also. Going overseas,
doing them there. That's going to be too hard
on the pod. I do it when I'm out. When I'm gone,
let's do one more hour. And I don't think you
have to... It doesn't have to be weekly. You
can just do it when you do it. Right now I'm
doing bi -weekly. Doing it twice a week. I get
it. It could be whatever. That's what it is.
I would love to go to Spain. You and me fucking
hang out and chat. Away from Madrid. Kiss a little.
A little in El Norte. Where everybody looks down
on it. What's in that pitcher? This? Yeah. Coffee?
Water? Yeah, give me some agua. I'm going whiskey
and beer. By the way, you guys are only going
beer. Yeah, you're always the most sober, dude.
And I took mushrooms and you didn't. You took
one block. It turns out it wasn't bad. I took
two blocks and it didn't do anything. I knew
it. I knew I should have taken two right away.
You're a bad shaman. I mean, I'm just trying
to warn you with those blocks. I feel the half
a block. Hey. But I've been doing whiskey. Next
special. April 26th in Washington, D .C. Let's
go. Oh, special. Yeah. Even though I should not
devote my time to a podcast, I am also doing
a special. It's my time. I also happen to be
a stand -up comic. We're both selling horribly
in Tennessee. Forget Memphis. Forget Memphis
and all that shit. On the road. Tennessee is
killing us. April 26th. AriShavir .com. Dang.
Good for Ari. Washington, D .C. Capital turnaround.
And now you got a new one. Yeah. We both put
one out. I don't know. I put one out in September.
This past year. Yeah. Yeah. It's harder. You've
got to write new shit. Yeah. And we're working
on it. So come see us. Yeah. Now that Joe's gone,
we can promote. So say hello on the road. Also,
I think a travel podcast is - Obviously. It's
a fucking great idea. Yeah. That's crazy. But
you got to watch out. If you interview fucking
Ian Fidance about going to fucking eerie Pennsylvania.
It's not going to be that. It's all weird fun
places. But I will go to Spain with you and do
it there instead. I would love that. Instead
of a studio. Are you going to fly to Spain? Yeah.
I'll fly you to Spain. You know what I'm thinking?
When we're free over the summer. I'm thinking
as soon as I get done with this hour. Yeah. I
can't wait. Yeah. I'm going to take like a couple
months. I think I'm going to, it's my, my real,
my real Chappelle Africa is I'm going to go live
in Spain for. Spain. I love Spain, bro. I've
never been. It's, you've never met a culture
that doesn't give a fuck about anything. Dude,
2 p .m. Let's just drink and eat small foods.
Dude, I'm talking no one gives a fuck. Really?
Across the board. The term siesta. Banks are
just like, yeah, it's fucking noon. We're going
to all take a nap. A little siesta? Yeah. No,
the siesta is, yeah. How long were you there
for? A year? I was only there six months. Six
months? Yeah. Wait, when was this? I was there
for a year. It's coming in an episode of UB Trip.
You were there for six months? It's coming. It's
coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.
I missed that. Spain rules. Uh -oh. Get him.
Get him. Oh, doesn't like black guys. Doesn't
like part black guys. I know. I know. He's shaped
like a monkey, but it's still okay. It's still
okay, man. He's a human. Holy shit. Cut that,
James. No, no. I missed it because they would
cut it. It's about me. Yeah. No, but he's short
and he looks like a gorilla. Gorilla hands. I'm
shaped like a primate. You are very primate.
Not a bad thing. You're primate -like. It's better
than being a stork. I wish I had more primate.
Imagine getting stork fucked. You do until it
goes sideways. Yeah. Yeah. Like that dude came
up, William Montgomery. Yeah. Came up to you.
He's like, what was that? And you're like, I'll
fucking kill you. Everyone's got a percentage.
Well, I did do that. Right. Well, I actually
did. Well, you put out a, what do you call it,
a cold tank video, and your dong was really popping.
Thank you. I'll tell you this. In the cold. By
the way, don't let that be lost. In the cold.
Joe. Yeah. Before I go home. Pre -cold. I don't
know if you saw it. I don't know if you ever
saw it. First time we did the cold plunge, me
and Matt, we had our podcast that week. I was
like, bro, I did the cold punch with Joe. God
damn. And then when you have to get in next and
he's standing next to you and his dong's just
right, like, you got a good dong, bro. Thank
you. You have, like, an exceptional dong. You
got a thick one. You got a thick one, bro. I'm
very happy. And you can suck your own dick. I
can. No. Where was that fear factor at? No, it's
just flexibility. That's a flexibility thing.
No, it does require a huge deal. Just flexibility.
If you're at a one -incher. Yeah, you can't suck
your own dick. But girls can eat their pussies.
What? I've seen it. No. You have a different
algorithm than I do. Wait a minute. You see those
girls that are allowed to breastfeed and pull
their tits out because they have a fake baby?
That's nice. They found a hack in the system.
They have a rubber baby and they pull out these
big juicy tits and they stick them in the mouth
of a rubber baby. Yeah, they have giant milky
boots. The whiskey bottle. Whoa! Gross. Girls
can eat their own pussy. Is that Kim Congdon?
It looks like there's two girls there. I don't.
I see the one you said was Kim Congdon. Good
for her. I don't recommend any of this behavior.
Wow. But it is possible. It has been done. I
licked my own dick once. This is what I'm talking
about when someone brings up politics. You licked
your own dick. But there's a giant difference
between a dick and a pussy. Hold on a second.
What? Norman just said he licked his own dick.
I licked it, but it took a lot of stretching
and a lot of yoga and a lot of hours. You spit
on it. You didn't lick it. No, I got to lick.
No way. Yeah, exactly. Touch it to your tongue.
But then I felt weird about it. As well you should.
I watched a dude in a video that a friend sent
me. I really wish he hadn't. But this guy was
inverted, and he was, like, pumping into his
own mouth and ejaculating, and then he pumps
into his own mouth again and ejaculates again.
Again? He's a hero. If it was a woman, the guy
would be a hero. If he's really filled with scum,
Tony, did you say that? Scum Tony. Oh, my God.
he's the straightest gay guy that's ever existed
he's like at the cusp of like being he could
cross over with any stiff wind any stiff breeze
that fence blows down and he's in a land of gay
I think he's a heterosexual but if in 35 years
he comes out he comes out as gay we'd all be
like Oh, I mean, yeah. I wouldn't be. Tony does
so well. He does well with ladies. It's stunning.
He does so well with gays. The girls that he
dates are so beautiful. So hot. They're so pretty.
Listen to me. Smooth -skinned. Tony has been
killing it since the moment I met him, even when
he wasn't doing well. Right. Tony, like, it's,
again, it's a fucking talent thing. Do you have
the talent? If you have talent, Jeff Ross gets
laid. No disrespect. No disrespect to Jeff Ross.
Highest laid -to -eyebrow ratio in comedy. Tony,
me and Theo. Like, two days ago, I was with Theo,
and we were talking about Tony. And it's so funny.
We all do the same thing about Tony, where we,
like, we make fun of him. Like, that show was,
what I just did was unbelievable. But we all
make fun of him. And then we're all like, for
real, though, I love Tony. I love him. The show's
amazing. He's one of my favorite people. But
him personally, like, every time I see him, I'm
like. Nice. Hey, buddy. Nice to see you. That
guy, when he hosts Kill Tony, he is the best
host of any show that has ever existed. Yeah.
That's my position. He's a good host. He's so
good. But even when you see it, if you saw him
out. Tucker Carlson to Kill Tony last night.
Tucker Carlson had no idea. What'd you say? How'd
you set it up? How'd you set it up? This is how
I set it up. We were all having dinner. We were
having dinner with Tucker Carlson and Lex Friedman.
And we were having steaks and having a good time.
Were you guys talking about women's rights? We
were. A little bit. Anyway, so we were talking
about wild shit. He told me some wild shit that
I can't wait to tell you. I can't wait to tell
you some wild shit. Please tell me about the
war in Ukraine. I'm going to tell you some shit
that you're going to— Dinner? Dinner? You're
just going to go, whoa. Some Putin shit? We have
20 minutes. Anyway, I like the guy. He's a fun
guy. No, I'm saying, like, when we're done here?
Anyway. I'm hanging out with Tucker. We're talking
about the club. He's like, I think it's amazing
what you've done here. I go, you want to come
to the club? I go, Kill Tony's on tonight. I
go, Kill Tony is the foundation. It's the bedrock
of stand -up comedy in the known universe. Does
he have any idea what you're talking about? No
idea. No idea. So I have to tell him. He goes,
how much can comedians make doing comedy? So
I say, Kill Tony sold out Madison Square Garden
two nights in a row. Twice. In an hour. Yeah.
In an hour. He goes, what? I go, really? I go,
I'm going to take you to Kill Tony right now.
I'm going to go. Let's just go to the club. Do
you have anything to do tonight? He's like, no.
I go, great. So I text Tony. I'm on my way with
Tucker. I'm on my way with Tucker Carlson. Tony
texts me back during the show. Show's happening.
It's already going on. By the way, at the beginning
of the show, before anything, Ashley Judd sings.
Winona. Winona. Wait, what? Ashley doesn't sing.
Winona Judd. Winona Judd. Kill Tony? She sings?
She sings. I don't fuck that up. I blame Bud
Light for my poor memory. Bud Light's the best.
One thing I love about Shane is he's not a sellout.
Turns out Bud Light's nice, dude. I've been drinking
it all night. Anyway, Judd. Yeah, she camped
out. She goes on stage and sings. And the audience
goes bananas. They don't even know she's coming.
They go, ladies and gentlemen, Ashley Judd. 45
second round of applause, right? Anyway, so in
the middle of the show, the show's already going
on. I text him. I'm coming over with Tucker Carlson.
Norton's on right now. He goes, jump on stage.
I go, fuck yeah. Wow. So Tucker doesn't know
this. So I'm in the backstage right behind the
curtain. I go, this is the crowd. You hear him
out there? He goes, this is amazing. I go. We're
going to go on stage right now. He's like, what?
I go, I'm going to bring you up. And so Tony
goes, my two favorite people just dropped by,
Joe Rogan and Tucker Carlson. We go to the curtain.
Holy shit. Everybody goes nuts. It was hilarious.
Wow. Kim Patterson goes, my grandma would hate
you. It was amazing. We saw him right afterwards.
He was like, I called him a fucking word. What?
It was hilarious. Wow. Tucker Carlson had some
zingers. Really? He had some zingers. To surprise
him with it. It's not just like, I'm going to
bring you on stage to a comedy show. He had no
idea. This is a very specific kind of thing.
By the way, Tony, you can do lots of stuff. Don't
just do Kill Tony. But you just bring him into
that. Wait, what did you just say? What the fuck
did you just say? You giving advice to Tony like
I gave advice to you? Yes, I'm making fun of
you. I was like, Tony, don't just do that one
thing. Not make fun of me. I'm giving you good
advice, you fucking dumbass. He likes the zin
too, the Tucker. Yeah, he does. Interesting.
But to bring him into that environment, no idea.
No idea. No idea. And so he just goes on stage.
Wow. The audience goes nuts. He sits down. He's
like, this is incredible. Yeah. Yeah, this is
what we do. Yeah. Damn. So it was fun. Do you
have zingers? He had some zingers. Did Lucas
come in? David Lucas? No. David's out of town,
unfortunately. That would have been perfect.
But William Montgomery murdered. William Montgomery
murdered. Damn. William Montgomery is another
dude who's just coming into his own right now.
He's coming into his own. By the way, I saw it
day one. Listen, I've known that guy forever.
I saw William day one. I remember you guys. I
remember we were at the Vulcan. He would go on.
He'd sit backstage. You guys would be like, man,
you sucked. I'd pull him aside and go, bro. Well,
that's not real. That's not real. I've known
William Montgomery since L .A. I've known him
since L .A. I watched it happen. You knew him
since L .A.? I never said he sucked. Not sucked,
but like, what the fuck? I never said he sucked.
I tried to get him to ditch his notes. You hit
me with the David Lucas, what the fuck was that?
All I tried to ever do, which he did, was ditch
the notes. Ah, yeah. That's it. William Montgomery,
he used to go on stage with a notebook. I remember
that. And read off the notes. You can't do that.
I remember that. You're so menacing. I was sitting
there going, dude, keep reading the notes. It's
so funny. He's so much better though, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now he's better. I think
he's extremely funny. He's funny as fuck, dude.
I saw him at Kill Tony Houston, I think. And
it was like, you just don't know what you're
going into. It's just like, are you really mad?
You know who's a fan of his? The Black Keys.
So I have the Black Keys in the podcast. I'm
like, we fucking love William Montgomery. You
want to see him tonight? And they're like, fuck
yeah. So they were coming to the club already.
By the way, never been to see stand -up. Both
Dan and Patrick. No, that's not true. Dan or
Patrick? Not both. No way. Patrick 100%, but
never saw stand -up live. Patrick 100%. And he's
the big stand -up fan. They're both stand -up
fans. But I don't know if Dan had seen it before,
but Patrick 100 % told me he had never seen live
stand -up until he came to my club. What? Never
seen live stand -up? Why not? He only watched
it on YouTube or on Netflix or whatever. They
tell me they're a fan of William. So I go, William,
you're going to go up tonight. I'm going to have
you go up second. Because you can't have William
go up first because it's too weird. It's too
weird. People don't know what the fuck is going
on. So he goes up second and murders all the
greatest hits. And they're dying. I was in the
balcony with the Black Keys while they were dying,
watching William Montgomery, and I set it up.
It was amazing. It was amazing. Damn. It was
nice. It was amazing. So what's Tucker doing?
What does he think after the show? Did he like
it? He was blown away. We went to Mitzi's. Yeah?
We hung out at Mitzi's. He doesn't drink, right?
He doesn't drink, but he's hanging out with a
bunch of fucking drunks. Got a lot of hugs. There
was a lot of sweaty armpits on his shoulder.
It's annoying sometimes. Did you ever see that
guy trying to get Tucker Carlson without realizing
it's him? He's fishing in Central Park. And some
guy's like, what are you doing here? He goes,
what do you mean? How much longer do we have?
He was very nice. How much time? An hour. Whatever
the fuck we want. Go to the bathroom and come
back. Go whiz, bro. But he goes, what are you
doing? He goes, I'm allowed to fish. This podcast
is like six hours old. It always is. It's fun.
But this is the craziest one. It's the best.
How many hours are we in, Jamie? Four hours.
Four? What? We could just turn it off and keep
going, but we'd be doing the same thing. We're
going to be doing the same thing in an hour in
the fucking green room. That felt like an hour.
That's what I'm talking about, bitch. The guy's
like, he's like, why are you filming? The guy's
like, I'm allowed. He goes, I know you're allowed,
sir. I'm asking you why you're doing it. He was
so nice. He was so nice. He goes, no, it's legal
to fish here. The guy had no idea who he was
filming. He just thought he was filming a random.
But this was a long time ago. It was. Yeah, yeah.
I thought it was like five years ago. No, I think
it was like early 2000. Well, there's so many
narratives. He's like, you're allowed to fish
in any pond in New York, obviously. Everybody's
so mean. Everybody's bad. It's all narrative.
It's all just like vibes and bullshit. He's not
a bad guy, man. He's not. I hung out with the
dude. He's not a bad guy. I met him a couple
of times. He's just a guy. Went on the road with
the dead. Followed him around. He was a grateful
deadhead. They got the bad idea about all these
people. He's in the fucking belly of the beast.
And he recognizes. It was 10 years ago, 2015.
Okay, 2015. Fly fishing in Central Park. What
a fucking dork. What a fucking hippie nerd he
is. And you guys think he's the evil. He's a
hippie. Well, he's a fly fisherman. In Central
Park. Yeah. He lives in Maine. He hunts and fishes
in Maine. Yeah. And he lives in Florida sometimes.
He's a good dude, man. How you doing, buddy?
I'm telling you, he's just very odd. He's very
odd. He's the most Canadian American there is.
Is he Canadian? No, but he's like, how you doing,
sir? Right. He's just got that vibe. California.
Yeah, he's from L .A. He's a nice guy, man. I'm
telling you. It's just like he takes on controversial
subjects and becomes a lightning rod for hate.
If he told me he's never done mushrooms. For
sure he's done everything. If he said he's never
done mushrooms, I'd say, I don't believe you.
He did a lot of coke, man. Really? That was his
thing. Whoa. I'm telling you, man. He's a lightning
rod for what? Why is it? Why did they get a vibe
on someone? Because he was on Fox News. He was
challenging them. He goes, we shouldn't be at
war. Wow. On Fox News. Not in his off time. On
Fox News. What are we doing in this fucking stand?
RFK is against war. But the problem is that we
all want to classify people as on our tribe or
not on our tribe. Good or bad. Are we in or are
we out? It's ideological. It's too dumb. Minimalist.
And it's people like us, people like you and
me, and you as well, that used to be on the left.
I would consider myself on the left. Most of
my life. Until I was in my late 40s. And I was
like, what are you guys doing? This is crazy.
Well, they lost the plot. The plot was supposed
to be free speech. Open dialogue, communication,
acceptance of all people as long as they're not
doing something fucked up to fucking destroy
other people's lives. I think it's just the militant
left is what we're against. So it pushes everyone
to the right, but we're like, no, no, you guys
are speaking for us suddenly. That's where China
won. They won. They empowered that fucking radical,
excitable, insane, schizophrenic fucking SSRI
addled left. The laugh that was like the most
bonkers of bonkers. Shane, put your fucking headphones
on. TikTok got in there. TikTok got in there
and fucked us all up. I had headphones on the
whole time. You didn't get any. What do you think
about this ban of TikTok? It's coming. I love
it. It's coming. We need it. Get it out of our
society. You don't want it, Ari. It's garbage.
Get it out of us and Instagram and Twitter and
Facebook. Ban it all. Spoken like a true Jew.
Ban it all. Listen, this is the problem. You
know why they're banning it? True Jew. Because
IDF? Because they're exposing what's happening
in Palestine? Ban it all. I'm so drunk, I said
two Jew, I think. Two Jew. He's spoken like a
two Jew. Ban it all. It's a waste of our time.
Two Jew. I don't even. Two Jews are called the
Sklore brothers. I know my rights. But no. Fire
that up. Who's getting in there? You can't ban
anything, Ari. If you don't like it, ban it all.
Listen, bitch. Stay off Twitter. I did one. Mark,
you did one. I did four. I did four. Don't smoke
John McAfee's meth. Okay? Don't go on TikTok.
Same thing. Obviously, don't ban it. Obviously,
you fucked. But ban it all. What you said was
ban it, you piece of shit. Yeah, you're a goddamn
fascist. Any time we can get off the phone is
better. Ban it all. No. Let people stay on the
phone if they're so fucking dumb. If they get
killed by wolves, they're the slowest motherfuckers
at the end of the line. There's no wolves. There's
wolves, motherfuckers. Chinese wolves. There's
Chinese TikTok wolves, and they're trying to
make you trans. And they know what the fuck they're
doing. There are Chinese TikTok wolves trying
to make you trans. In China, they're doing push
-ups and kung fu, and they're fucking people
up. We're going to fuck them up. You ever seen
Chinese movies? I love Chinese movies. Bro, Chinese
movies where they hire, like, hot shot American
actors, like, B -level, and they just have them
get the fuck beaten out of them by Chinese super
soldiers. They're amazing. Yeah, Frank Grillo
did a couple of those. The blurry porn. No, it's
Japanese. Oh, is that Japanese? Chinese does
not blur. They don't blur? They break out the
minors. Oh, hey, well, bring it on. Just saying.
Send me a link. As long as they're Uyghurs. I
don't have a... But for real, what are they doing?
When they're 17, it's like, you know, they want
it. What are they doing, the Uyghurs? Making
iPhones. Do you want an iPhone or not? No one
cares about the Uyghurs. Shut the fuck up. The
Muslims are getting killed. It's slavery right
now. You know you can't even buy a fair phone
in America? You can't. I got high the other day
and I decided I'm going to go full eco. You can't
even do it. You can't buy a Fairphone in America.
What's a Fairphone? A $700 phone with no slavery.
It's a phone that is like sustainably sourced,
$9 ,000. No, it's not expensive. It's not expensive.
It'd be a couple hundred dollars more. You can
replace the battery. It's modular. Let's do regular
ones. You're doing good. Ari, you cocksucker.
Thank you. We're talking about fair phones. Yeah,
why can't you buy one? You can, but you can only
buy it if you live in another country. Yeah,
that's crazy, right? All these liberals here,
you can't buy a fair phone. I don't know what
the deal is, but in America, you can't buy this
phone called a fair phone. And the fair phone
is a phone that's like sustainably sourced. They
get all their cobalt through ethical mining,
allegedly. I don't know what's real, but you
can pop off the back, remove the battery. You
can take every single piece of it is modular.
It can be replaced. Yeah, why don't they have
those? That's crazy. They have it in another
country. But it should be readily available here
for all the liberals who are like... Yeah, you're
literally tweeting on a phone that's made by
slaves. It's most of the virtual signaling. If
you get to the... Siddharth Kara, who wrote this
book, and he did a lot of investigative journalism
on the Congo, talking about cobalt mining. Tiny
Asian hands. You get to the... No, it's Africans.
If you get to the end of the cobalt mining, it's
fucking people pulling out minerals. with rocks,
sticks, and shit, pulling shit out, and they're
getting toxic fumes. Yeah, but Trump's mean sometimes.
Yeah. Give me a beer. I'm trying to get more
Americans. Yeah, I'm trying to get more Americans.
Yeah, which one of you guys is going to vote
for Donald Trump? Which one of us isn't? I don't
vote, but I'm in whatever you guys decide as
a country. I like that RFK. You're going to vote
for RFK? He seems fun. Over Trump? I'm going
to vote for Donald Trump. So if you had to vote
for Trump or Biden, who are you voting for? Well,
I voted for Biden last time. What? I did, yeah.
That's so gay. I was mad about the comedy stuff.
That makes it worse. You don't think it's going
to kick up again? What's that? You just bonged
another one? Yeah. You might be my king. I'll
do that to honor. I didn't want to do this, but
this is just to honor you. I didn't want any
fanfare. I hear you. I just want to do that for
the love of the game. I did a bunch of them secretly.
That's how I do it. For the love of the game.
It's good to see. I honor you with this. I'm
all about the love of the game. Show the honor.
Can I just say, if you vote, you're a fucking
dork. Get out of the system. You're a fucking
dork. I like what you're saying. Ban TikTok and
no voting. Good call. There you go. I like Elizabeth
Warren. How about ramp up the Patriot Act, Ari?
Let's make it even more hardcore. Love it. And
definitely start your travel podcast. You just
collected that can and put it in your thing.
That was the first one. That was the first one.
That's why you're even close. That was the first
one. Definitely start. That was the first one.
I was hoping you didn't see it. Ari. You did.
Yes. Definitely start your travel podcast when
you can't fucking travel anymore because you
signed up for a ban on TikTok. You signed up
for a centralized digital currency. You took
the vaccine. I'm going to Cuba. You did everything.
Oh, great. Who? Communists. Because I want more
bananas. Go plant bananas, you fucking bitch.
Do you still have bananas? What? Plantains. Bluntains?
Bluntains. I need fried Cuban food. Wake up.
Jamie, play the fucking thing. We're already
banned on YouTube. Wake up. Jamie. Just play
it. Will you bong a couple? Can you do some extracurricular
offshore work? Is there a cover of America Fuck
Yeah we can play? It's got to be. Just sing it.
Hold on a second. America. America. America.
Fuck yeah. Coming to save the motherfucking day
in America. Fuck yeah. Freedom is the only way.
Suck my dick and lick all my balls. Dude, I can't
believe people think we're dumb. Is this to suck
my ass? Well, listen, let's be real. They're
right. If you're right now doing a lot of string
theory work on a yellow legal pad, you're right.
I was before this podcast. We're dumb. We're
dumb. If you get on stage tonight, you're dumb.
Huh? Yeah. If you try to get on stage after fucking
Ari Shaffir. You're dumb. You don't know what
you're doing. The same thing. Wait, we are getting
on stage tonight. Yeah, but you. But you. But
if you're a string theorist. Oh, right. If you're
a string theorist who thinks everybody is fucking
stupid because they don't understand your nonsense,
you write on a chalkboard with squiggly lines
and N's and A's. Who was that academic guy who
said stand -up's easy because you have a captive
audience and they're all drinking? A Democrat
said that? Like an academic. God damn it, I'm
going to find you. Guarantee you it was a Democrat.
No, it was some academic. It was Stand Up Is
Easy. It was one of those high -level academic
names you know. Stand Up Is Easy, it's a captive
audience, and you're all drinking. So it's obviously
easy. And I want to bring you to the stand for
three shows in a row. Well, how about bringing
you to Mothership and go on after Shane? Yeah.
Good luck, fuckface. Good luck, fuckface. Gang,
gang. Good luck. Who was that? Who said that?
But everyone's stupid if you don't know. It's
like Malcolm Gladwell, one of those kind of guys.
They're all silly. Malcolm Gladwell would never
say that, dude. Jamie, you've got to find this
for me. Malcolm is a sweet guy. I've had him
on the podcast. I can kill him in a small room.
It was him? In a minimal amount of time. Is he
the British gay guy? Malcolm would eat hot dog
shit if he went after Shane. If he went after
Brian Simpson, who's got a new Netflix special
right now, live at the Mothership, available
right now. Go on after Brian Simpson, Malcolm
Gladwell, or stop talking shit. Oh. Wait, that's
him? Oh, my. Dude, I'm uncomfortable that I remembered
this. I'm sure he said this in jest, in good
faith. No. No. I think he said, well, I don't
know. You're right. You're right. Maybe I'm getting
caught up in the headlines. I had Malcolm on
the podcast. He's a good guy. Doesn't mean he
doesn't stand up. He's dealing with people in
a tightly controlled setting. With a rich set
of expectations governing their behavior. This
one's making fun of us. Don't deal with alcohol,
you know, and create an expectation that laughter
is the appropriate response to what they're doing.
I cannot imagine a better set of circumstances,
an easier set of circumstances for navigating
a social situation than those. That's one of
the best. That's one of the best, dude. Bro.
I know him. In 1989, Greg Fitzsimmons got attacked
on stage at Stitch's Comedy Club in Boston. In
89. This guy jumps on stage. Fitzsimmons and
him get into a fucking Donnybrook. They're fucking
brawling in the middle of this comedy club in
1989 in Boston. The security guards jump on stage.
They tackle this guy. Fitzsimmons and this guy
are fucking duking it out. Fitzsimmons, the guy
goes into the audience. They arrest him. They
take him out of there. Fitzsimmons goes, anybody
else want some of this? Fucking right away. Imagine
he's got a fucking bloody lip. And he finishes
his set. Respect! Imagine being an audience member
and going, here's some short, pale guy. I can
take him. And you're like, you chose Greg Fitzsimmons?
You idiot. All he does is fight. He fights people
that get him in trouble socially. He's an Irish
guy. He's an Irish. I've been friends with Greg.
Greg and I started out one week apart from each
other. Wow. Great egg. He's a fucking awesome
human being. He's awesome. But, I mean, this
is like 89. This is like before Greg was Greg.
Before he was the Emmy Award winner, all that
bullshit. Well, that makes you softer. Yeah,
but he's still the same dude. He still goes hard.
Oh, yeah. He still goes hard. He still goes hard.
I try to get him to move here. He's got a life.
What does that mean? I've got a life too. He
has a golf course right next to him. Shut the
fuck up. There's golf courses out here that aren't
filled with liberals! Give one to Mark. Mark's
over there. I'm going to get my whiskey here.
You still have the same one. You got to eagle
his whiskey. He takes like that much whiskey
and pours water into it. Mark's basically a beer.
He has to pour water in it. But you guys haven't
had any whiskey. Hold on. Can I say this? I've
had a lot. Mark, I've got the bottle right here.
I saw Joe drink three different glasses. Joe
saw me drink five. There's no way I'm driving
anywhere tonight. I'll drive. I have to go on
the end of all these fucking imbeciles. Can I
say this? Joe's got to do the improv tonight.
We've done this. Now this is the 11th time. And
I took mushrooms. I want to open up an improv
here just for a flex. Joe, give me one second.
I will let Adam Carolla keep the number one podcast
in the world on Guinness Book of World Records.
They have a comedy festival in town and Joe is
doing his own festival three days in a row at
his club. It's a flex. Hold on. One second. It's
a flex. We only get one timeout. Okay, Shay,
timeout. Timeout. SNL timeout. Jihad. Shut up.
So this is the 11th one. 14th. So far, we've
all died. Yeah. The one person who has always
never died. What do you mean died? Mark Norman.
No, listen, we've got to keep him right where
he is. Joe died. He knows what he's doing. We've
all died. We all need a certain place. Well,
you've died. But listen, we need a certain place
in the world. Every single one of these, we all
die. Leave him alone. You're the one who doesn't
die. I don't have those quips inside of me. Let
him be functional. He puked on the table. Leave
him alone. I disagree. I disagree. I think it's
too late for this one, but Mark, you've got to
catch up, bro. You got to catch up. You got to
catch up. And then every time you go, you got
to catch up. He goes, I was drinking whiskey.
You had two sips. Two sips. That's my fourth
and fifth cup. You're the guy who chugs and goes
it out. We're all dying. And I took shrooms.
We're dying. Listen to me. I said fucking nothing.
Listen to me. We are approaching five hours into
a podcast that can change the election. All right.
True. True. True. True. Shut up, Truman. Truman,
everybody. I think, McGovern. I think we need
to respect our position in this cultural world.
I don't respect it. I hate it. I just do. Mark,
call it strong for next time. Call it. What do
you want from me? I never turned down a bong
hit. Give him a bong. This is what I want from
you. Bring on the bong. This is what I want from
you, Mark. That's nothing. Ari Shafir, one, two,
three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. He's
been counting mine. No, fuck off. They're all
full of refuse also. Wait a minute. Shane only
has two. Something is amiss. Shane's got some
on the ground. You've been stealing his empties,
you fucking idiot. I don't want it. Oh, you son
of a bitch. Oh, shit. Obviously she drinks more
than me. I'm drinking responsibly. America. America.
Fuck yeah. Coming again. Motherfucking day. America.
Fuck yeah. This all my balls. Obesity. Jamie's
back! We're back! Jamie, don't be afraid. Jamie,
have a YouTube version. I know it's more work,
but it's 20 extra minutes. AI will do it for
you. I don't know if it's in our contract. Now
it's time to talk turkey. Let's talk about the
economy. Let's talk about Supreme Court and civil
liberties and trans kids! That smash and grab
is out of control. And TikTok bands. Yo, did
you watch the State of the Union? Any of you
guys watch that? I watched it. Nope. It was nutty.
I watched it with my dick in my hand. I was doing
body weight squats. It's kind of sad to watch.
Well, they hit Biden with some good chemicals.
The whole gang was on the same page. Can you
imagine? You get on that Biden cocktail. I'd
love to get that cocktail. It's got to be better
than the Kennedy cocktail. Oh, yeah. The Biden
cocktail's got to be like days from death cocktail.
Well, you know what's got to be tough? It's like,
can't you have one less stroke per day? Oh, man,
dude. Bennett, buddy. Bennett, you can't be this
cute. You cannot be this cute, Bennett. Come
on, Bennett. It's unfair to be this cute. You
know what's unfair is the Viagra. Old people
just had to suck it up and not get a boner. And
now kids today are doing Viagra at, like, 21.
Yeah, back in the day you had to rope around
the base of your balls. Yeah. You risk blacking
out. Pull it up like a bull. You're, like, pulling
on it. Remember those nights you couldn't get
it up? Bro, the day they figured out Viagra was
like the day they figured out the internet. Like,
everything has changed. Everything's changed.
The game has moved on. The game has moved on.
80 -year -olds are fucking. That's fucking Rupert
Murdoch. Rolling Stones is having kids. Rupert
Murdoch. I'm telling you. 92. That changed everything.
Having a boat is nice. Why are you peeing in
that goddamn whiskey bottle, you fucking savage?
Okay, Joe. I accept your fucking critique. Squeeze
that dick off like a fucking... You're being
fair? Squeeze that dick off like a garden hose
in the 70s. You're going to fill that bottle
up, aren't you? I would have if I started it
from scratch. Joe, you're being fair and I apologize.
I can't believe you're doing what you're doing.
I should have just pissed in the bottle. I wish
you did it in the hallway, but it's okay. Well,
that was the original... Like, one more? Can
I ask a question? Do we ever show you fucking
barfing like a fucking baby? I have the video.
How does babies barf? Like you? How do adults
barf? How does babies barf? Ari's a big expert
on babies. Do we ever show you barfing like a
baby? How's baby's barf? America. You got a baby
barf. How much do you think it would cost to
get someone to drink a fucking whiskey bottle
filled with your piss? A bottle, not a whiskey
shot. Sell it. A bottle. Sell it. If you had
that dude from Opie and Anthony. Baby Bird? No,
the dude. The gay? No, no, no, no, no, no. Pat
Duffy. Pat. The Baby Bird. Pat from Monarchy.
Pat from Monarchy. No. Pat Duffy. Different guy.
Pat from Munaki is the guy who threw up. That's
all piss. That's all piss. Imagine. Oh, that's
nothing. How much money would you ever dick into
your Patreon account? Well, you got to hand it
to Ari because you're old and you're hanging
in there. Dude. You could have retired by now.
I'm 10 years older than him. Yeah, but it's just
going well. His career has been a goddamn train
wreck. I have $87 for a bank job. I don't know
what I'm going to eat tomorrow. And you work
out currently, regularly. He's a mess. His life
is hell. I eat chopped cheese all day for a fucking
week. But Ari's capable of firing up. Me and
him went out to the bar last night. When we had
that sober October fitness challenge, he was
the only guy I worried about. Really? Yeah, yeah.
Really? Because he's a psycho. Also, I will do
the thing where I'm like, guys, guys, let's not
try, let's not try, let's not try. Secretly,
I'll try until they discover it. You know what
I almost did? You know what I almost did? But
I had inquiries out, getting Michelle Wolfe to
wear my strap for a fucking... I know. Really?
Yeah. But when you said that... When you said
that... You wanted it everywhere. And Michelle,
to her credit, was like, 100%, I'll be quiet
forever for that. But when you said that, I was
like, Michelle's going to die. I'm going to take
Michelle to hell. Wow, that's how deep you go.
I'm going to take everybody to hell. Michelle
rules. There's no doubt. I was going to take
you all to hell. It's just that one fucking hunting
trip where you worked out for fucking 18 hours
a day for four straight days. No, it was the
one day that I watched John Wick 50 times in
a row. And I literally did seven hours of cardio
on an elliptical and set off my fire alarm. I
set off my fire alarm with my body steam. Can
I say what a motivator spite is that no one's
taking advantage of? Spite as a motivator to
hurt your friends, to work out, to read, to do
whatever. So there. It wasn't even that. Spike?
Yeah, it was. You wanted to beat Bert. No, you
think that was what it was. Well, Bert's athletic.
But it was like I was feeding that wolf. He is.
He is. He is athletic. He's athletic if you look
at Division III fucking. Yeah, he's athletic.
Gauntlet thrown. I was like letting the wolf
out of the cage. Now, what does the wife think?
She didn't like it. She didn't want me to do
it next year. I've met Rogan's boyfriend. He's
not happy when Rogan gets in the cage. It's not
when I get in the cage. It's when I unlock it.
That was the problem. You're like the Hulk. I'm
always this. The problem is I was like, oh, I
forgot this was in there. Right. And then we
were doing that fitness thing. I was like, I'm
going to kill everybody. Because everyone would
think it'd be GSP who unlocks it. Let's kickbox
together. It's not. It's the fucking fattest
piece of shit alcoholic who fucking gets you
the fucking wildest. Well, he was just saying
he was going to win. I'm like, I'm going to kill
you. Yeah, that's the whole thing. You're going
to die. You're going to die. I'm going to drag
you to where I'm about to die, and you're not
going to live. I'm going to make it. I'm going
to get, like, let's see what you can do. If you
can get close, I'm going to go further. I'm like,
I'm going to leave in a little bit. I was drinking
electrolytes all day. I was eating nothing but
ribeyes. It was bizarre. We need to protect our
parks challenge where we just drink. We just,
like, don't care and eat burgers. That's way
healthier. Yeah, way healthier. It's way healthier.
I don't like that part of me. Really? Yeah, I
don't like it. I don't like it. Competitive.
I cannot lose. It's not a competitive thing.
It's murderous. It's way different than competitive.
Interesting. Joe's IDF. It goes way further.
Yeah, it's basically like bombing Gaza forever.
You will not win this. There'll be no more. I
was saying to a friend of mine today, I was like,
what Israel is doing in Gaza is like what a fifth
grader would do if he said, if you were the president
of the world, how would you stop all wars? So
many fuck me. I'll fuck you up 50 ,000 times
more. I'm going to bomb hospitals. Yeah, I'm
going to bomb nurseries, mosques. Yeah. I don't
know. I don't give a fuck. I don't vote. I don't
vote. Jamie, Jamie. I'm not trying to say you
are. I don't think you are. I don't care. I agree.
Listen, that's why there's human beings. That's
why there's human beings. My side's America.
I'm not over there. That's crazy. The reason
why there's human beings still in 2024 is because
somewhere along the line, someone decided that
the only way to do this is to go full Bhagavad
Gita, full I am become death destroyer of worlds.
I will drop nuclear bombs. That's what fucking
Oppenheimer said. I will drop nuclear bombs out
of fucking airplanes. I'll never stop. I'll never
stop. I will show you what I'm capable of. America.
Palestine. Free Palestine. Free Palestine. I
love when Palestine raped those Thai nationals
who were at a music festival. That ruled Palestine.
Were they Thai? Thai nationals? By the way. Yeah,
that ruled. They're just out at a festival having
a good time. Obviously. Obviously. Good job,
Palestine. What about the Jews? Way to rape Thai
nationals. Wait a minute. What about the Jews?
Always what about? Always what about? For just
one second you go, hey, maybe we shouldn't have
raped those Thai nationals. Maybe that was an
oopsie. Oh, I love Thai. Does that happen? Yeah.
Really? Yeah. There's other people at the festival.
Did you see the Thai ladyboys? Four Thai national
scouts raped and murdered. JMO. At a 1 ,200.
No, no, no. I'm just saying, wouldn't that an
oopsie, Palestine? Hey, everybody on that side,
couldn't you be like, that was wrong? Couldn't
you just for one moment go. Yeah, we shouldn't
have raped and murdered those Thai nationals.
Brother, I think they admit that that was a...
I think Candace Owens is making a video about
you right now. Show me anywhere. Oh, shit. Show
me anywhere they've said that. Both sides are
fucking retarded. Stop killing. End of story.
Jamie, pull up the Thai versus the trans women
are going at it. That's it. Obvious, right? Hold
on. What he just said. Say it again. Stop killing.
End of story. That's it. Okay. What about the
hostages? What about them? What about them? Hey,
guys, I'm having a great day in Austin. I'm getting
paid way too much to do a comedy club tonight
where I'm too drunk to perform. Everything's
pretty good in my world. Allegedly. Allegedly.
You're going to be fine. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing
comedy. America. America's obviously still number
one. Did you see the Thai ladyboys are fighting
with the trans people? Why? Because they're like,
hey, you're stealing our thunder. I did a bit
in my special about ladyboys being like, that's
transphobic. I'm like. They're different than
you. Oh, they're fighting. Yeah. They're going
at it. It's a news story. Really? Pull it up.
Ladyboys. Different category. Give it a go. Thank
you. Give it a go. It's a real problem. JMO,
also, cheer up, dude. You've been a real cocksucker
this entire time. Cheer up for Bryan Simpson.
His new Netflix special available right now.
What's it called? Live at the Mothership. On
Netflix. Look great. Look great. Yeah, what's
it called again? Comedy is great. What? That's
the one. That's the one. Or Adam on my pod. He
was... Brian Simpson. Just put in B -R -I -A.
There it is. Huge transsexual prostitute brawl.
This is the Brian Simpson trailer? See? 100 strong
ladyboy mob fighting in Bangkok turf war. Dude,
they'll go nuts on you. I knew this was going
to happen. Keep going. Keep going. With escorts?
Well, the ladyboys are fighting with the trans
people because that was their thing. Hold on
a second. I'm trying to take a good look at these
new shabbies. Trans prostitutes from the Philippines
and Thai ladyboys brawled in Bangkok. What are
Philippines doing on the fucking opposite side?
First of all. They shouldn't be there. Where
is the live stream? Oh, yeah. Now you understand
Gaza. Clothes and throw punches. Clambering over
each other. What? To tear off rivals' clothes
and throw punches. Well, I mean, this was...
We all knew this was coming. Here's the video
footage. Jordan and Egypt, like, ooh, they're
gross. Look at everyone with their phone out.
Jews, you deal with them. Look at everyone with
their phone out. Yeah. Oh, that was nothing.
That was propaganda. It's an Android phone. Whoa.
Look at that guy. He's just laughing. He's like,
look at this lady boy. He's not laughing. He's
just Asian. You can only see his eyes. He loves
it. Oh, shit. Bro, this is wild. Well, oh, look
at that. Oh, I thought she was naked. Meanwhile,
there's three people still wearing masks. Yep.
I'm sorry, buddy. Responsibly. Look at those
little mask wearers. Well, we all knew that the
trans community was going to butt up against
the lady boy community. Yep. Yep. It's a different
thing. It's a different thing. Ladyboys and trans
are not the same thing. They're similar. Unfortunately,
when I was in Thailand, I was with my whole family.
I would have paid a visit to those boys and I
would have given them the business. I would have
watched a little kickboxing, keep moving, fish
eating your fucking calluses off your feet. Jay?
Joe? That was weird. You got to come on an episode
of You Be Trippin', and I'll tell you about some
stuff in Thailand that you should have done if
you had left your family. How about we just do
it Ari Shaffir Sees the World? 100%. Let's do
it. Let's do it. I'll call it whatever I want.
Just trust me. Now. I got good instincts. Joe
has, if you were going to trust anyone when it
comes to maybe a podcast being successful, Joe
Rogan's a decent podcast. Joe, what if they've
won podcasts, you've done this. I've got good
instincts. Before I fear gave me, by the way,
the worst advice I've ever had in the history.
Other than my wife. One time, my kids were going
to Disneyland. My wife was like, you don't have
to do a podcast. I'm like, but I do. I have to.
She's like, thank God you didn't listen to me.
I was like, I have to. I told people I was going
to do it. But Ari was like, you got to edit that.
Got to be under an hour. Got to be under an hour.
Got to be under an hour. It makes no sense. Who
would listen more than an hour? Joe, you're retiring.
Who would listen more than an hour? It's stupid.
I know it's wrong. But this is what I said. I
said, so they don't have to listen. The most
important thing is just do whatever the fuck
you want to do. Joe? I had not considered that.
And now the people listening to this show have
made it this far. Yeah. Now they've entered a
new stratosphere of us being... I'm trying to
tell you. Ari Shaffir sees the world. Ari Shaffir.
I'm into it. What is this drummer? It's a cover.
Jamie just consulted with a lawyer. Jamie, you
just ruined our show. No, I like this guy. It's
a cover, but it doesn't matter. It's so good.
This guy's mustache rules. Hey, Shane, how come
McCaffrey wouldn't do your fucking thing? How
come he bitched out about it? I'll tell you what.
How come he bitched out about it? Because he
didn't want to win the Super Bowl anyway? No,
no, no. Don't ever talk about McCaffrey that
way. This fucking McCaffrey guy bitched out one
dude Shane's fucking thing. No, no, no, no, no,
no. Everyone else did it, but one guy who didn't
win a Super Bowl didn't do it. McCaffrey got
too fired up. Too fired up. When he was scoring
a touchdown, he was genuinely, he wasn't thinking
about anything. That's fair. I accept that. He
got too fired up. I accept that. I accept that.
All the other bros, when they scored. No, it's
fired up. They're more normalized with touchdowns.
They're fired up. But they still remembered.
McCaffrey's just a white running back, dude.
That's a different type of man. If you're a white
running back and you score any touchdown ever
in the NFL, you're like. That was wild. Well,
but he's good. This guy's good. McCaffrey? McCaffrey's
on another level. MVP. I don't know what's going
on. Joe, imagine a football player version of
someone hitting like eight rails and then pocketing.
I mean, he's in good. Christian McCaffrey is
a white. NFL running back. Beast. He shouldn't
be there. He's a white NFL running back. It's
a position that white guys are incapable of playing.
And a fun guy. What's the problem? He's the best
ever. Generally, guys like Christian McCaffrey
are GMs. No, he's a running back. What does that
mean? The problem is the initial thing, the problem
is normally if I'm friends with a guy in the
NFL, like a superstar. sexual icon like Gabriel
Davis. When he scores a touchdown. Watch this.
This is Shane on MSSP. Buffalo Bills. Hit Gabe
versus Miami. No, you gotta give him the Shane
thing. Shane's been promoting this special needs
kid. I was at that one. That was the one he gave
me his jersey. I looked like a retarded guy in
the crowd. So Shane's promoting this kid. This
kid right there. Back up. This kid. Who's this
kid? I just keep sending Gabe that celebration.
This kid. I'm like, Gabe, just hit that one.
He's a weird, fat Irish kid. Watch, Gabriel.
That's a hot kid. And in the NFL, the number
one to two sports in the world. Gabriel hit it.
In the world? What's number one? UFC and then
this. No. No, no, no. Oh, football. Number two
or three. Formula One is pretty high. Five. Top
five. Viewership. This is why I say top 20. Top
10, no matter what, sports in the world. But
cricket's like a billion. Can't even talk. Soccer's
up there. Soccer's number two. Soccer number
one. F1. Football number one. No, no, no. It's
soccer football. It's top 10, no matter what.
It's cricket. Because of Indian people. Very
popular. Is that bigger than everything? They
drop loads. Soccer and cricket. Soccer's number
one. What's number one? Soccer. Soccer. Soccer.
Number one by far. I don't know, because China
and India don't play soccer. Soccer does play
soccer. They just don't make the World Cup. They
do, and they pour out, and they watch World Cup
all day and all night at the fucking bars. China
number one. You would go to China, you nasty
communist. I love it. Still available. As long
as you're not dissident, head over to China.
It's fucking cool. What about the Uyghurs? What?
What? I'm going Dom Lemonade. See the Uyghurs.
Absolutely. Now that we're drinking a little.
Yeah. A little. Elon Musk fucking dominated that.
He ruled. It was a bad interview. Well, how are
you going to interview the guy who hired you
and then fuck that up? Also, he didn't have a
contract signed yet. I know. Who didn't have
a contract signed? He asked for a super truck,
too. Yeah, I was going to give him a truck. Elon
Musk is like, you guys don't understand. He doesn't
really care. Also, what Elon said was so apt.
He said Don Lemon was doing CNN off CNN. You
don't have to do that. You're on the internet.
Have a fucking conversation with a dude. Don't
just berate him with questions. Allow him to
express himself. Have you thought about the difference
between... Free speech and hate speech. And,
like, where is the line? Like, do you think about
the line? Do you think it's, like, more important
that people decide what the line is? Right? Yeah,
and he's, like, saying that to him. And Don Lemon's
like, oh, I just thought I was going to get you.
But Don Lemon never asked it that way. Yeah.
He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. It's
hilarious. Because Don Lemon is talking about,
like, oh, it's been so hard for me. And Elon
said, you're extremely successful. He's like,
yeah. But that was, you know. Accidentally. Against
all odds. Like, no, it's not against all odds.
It's because of the current climate. That's why
you were successful. You're not good at what
you do. I don't drink. Become great. Become great,
Mark. Yeah, exactly. And what did he say? He
goes, I can't. I don't know. Become great. So
what happened? Oh, yeah, yeah. You must. Wait,
what were we talking about? I don't know what
we were talking about, but Shane said. Beautiful
elixir. Beautiful elixir of domination. Put on
your wooden beads and pray to Mother Gaia. Oh,
look at that. Your girlfriend's hideous. Three,
two, one, mark, go. One. That's just guys having
fun. That's just guys having fun. People hate
it. People hate to see it. Who are these people?
What kind of loser is this? And what do they
love? Who are these people? And what do they
love? And what do they care about? And what do
they care about? Finish that, dude. You didn't
even finish it. You're breaking my heart. Mark.
Finish that thing. Finish that thing. Finish
that thing. Mark, sometimes you break my heart
and it makes me so dang gum sad. Dang gum. I
don't want to bring the booze down. This is the
last beer. No way. Thank God. I told you we needed
more. Another case. This is the last beer. We
for sure have more cases. Hey, can I say something?
Just a memory of scraping together fucking $3
each to get a case of beer and everybody drinking
it. Back in the day. Back in the high school
days. I got $1 .20. That'll do. Let's go. You
didn't know whether or not you were going to
be able to get drunk. You didn't understand what
the world was. You didn't understand what all
these expectations meant and all these people
that were telling you what to do and what not
to do. They were wrong. Not only were they wrong,
they were trying to impart their control on you
to try to justify their own existence. You remember
how fun it was to get drunk when you were a kid?
I don't know if we're allowed to say that on
here. I remember puking in a cab when I was 15.
It's one of my favorite moments. Me and my boys,
we would go to Ocean City, Maryland every year.
Oh! Let's go. Let's go! I'd love to talk about
this, but I gotta pee. O .C. Grab a case while
you're out there. O .C. Get a couple of brewskis,
will ya? Get us a case, bro. Do something. OC,
bro. No one understands the Delmarva connection.
I love it. The Philly -Delmarva connection. Ocean
City, Maryland. A 24 -pack of natty ice was $11.
Praise Allah. What did you do there in Ocean
City at the boardwalk? We used to sit on a tree
trunk and drink them. It's the best. It's the
best. When you're young getting fucking hammered,
there's nothing better. Now, I don't want anybody
under the age of 21 to drink. Don't. But just
know that when we drank under 21, it did rule.
No one carded. Well, you guys shouldn't do it.
When we did it, it ruled. I did not do it. I
waited until I was 21 to enjoy Bud Light responsibly,
and I've always enjoyed it responsibly. But I'll
tell you what. If I had a daydream, if I imagined
what it would be like if I was 15 and shotgun
and beers and Oceans of Nerd. Oh, man. That was
God's character. OC, Rehoboth, Dewey, Screwy.
You go to head over to Screwy Beach? Delaware?
Bahoma? Oh, dude. God gave us these beaches.
God gave us these. God gave us these. What's
the pizza place down there? Grottoes. Like this
pizza, dude! Grottoes pizza! Oh, shit. You gotta
get a fresh slice of Grottoes. Yes, dude. You
got a fresh slice? I got molested at Grottoes.
Oh, you go say, hey, what's playing tonight?
Mama Seed Love Jump? Dude, you know what I saw
there? What? Scorpion King. I saw that movie
with The Rock. Oh, yeah. Me and Jared Dupes.
Yo, shout out Jared Dupes. Let's get it. Grotto's
Pizza. Damn, dude. I'm going to Ocean City, Maryland.
Oh, Grotto's. I've been to that, literally that
one. Oh, I got fucked in the ass in that bar.
Dude, nobody reps the Maryland flag. Maryland
flag might be the tightest United States flag.
Nobody rocks it. Full hat, all Maryland flag.
I want a ski outfit, all Maryland flag. That
got you? Here, do this one. Do that one. Give
it away for me. Why are you a coward, dude? You'll
die. That's why no one will remember your name.
Oh, I got the hiccups. America, America, America.
Fuck yeah. We were saving the day of motherfucking
beer. That dog should be taken away. SPCA, get
in here. Rogies is good. Same Rogies. Same Rogies.
Rogies, Rogies. Now we're drinking a little.
All right, to the N -word. I'm going to tell
you this. Wait, wait, what happened to the beer?
You might be the best, dude. You are the best,
dude. Don't make me regret it. Nobody supports
stand -up like Rogan. I don't know. Pauly Shore
is pretty good. Who? For sure. Mark's got the
hiccups. Nobody supports all stand -ups like
Rogan. You're the goddamn bro. Who saw that coming?
Who saw that coming? Some fucking meathead fucking
workout guy supporting stand -up more than anybody
in the world. Nobody does. Yeah, yeah. Making
it normalized. Having open micers on. Having
going, hey, sorry Oliver Stone, can't have you
on tonight. I got an open mic on. I gotta push.
I got a Jewish freak who fucks his dog. I got
to bring him along. Why don't you do this dog
this way? Let that dog go. He doesn't fuck his
dog. He just loves it. I love it. Yeah, but he
loves it too much for a man. Yeah, let it run
wild. Let it go. She's been running wild. She's
fine. All right. That tail will stay different.
She's like. That curled up tail is a sign of
anxiety. Yeah, put the dog down, bro. Let it
go. Hey, hey. Don't get the fucking. Shane Gillis
from SNL doesn't want me to love you. Shane Gillis
from SNL. Blame Lorne Michaels for my lack of
affection right now. Sorry, buddy. How was Lorne
on the SNL night? He was a beast, dude. Was he
cool? Was he like, we made it? He was awesome.
Me and Sal went. It was a fun night. Me and Sal
and Becky. It was so cool. It was so fun. Literally,
I called. Every favor I had to get into the showroom.
I was trying so hard. Me and Sal Volcano, Volcano,
came up empty. What do you mean? Called in every
favor we could. He called Colin, Jost. I can't
do it. Literally every comic. Yeah, because every
New York comic was like, I want to be there.
Kyla was there. Christine was there. I got mine.
You got yours in. I said, hey, I'm going to call
your manager. He goes, yeah, yeah, just follow
up, make sure. I'm like, hey. Idiot. I'm obviously
coming to this. I said to Becky, I said, make
sure Ari's in there. There you go. You weren't
in there, you dumbass. In the showroom watching
a fucking telecast in a green room with a bunch
of fucking dorks. Shane, you made me be a dork.
How dare you be nasty like this? Joseph, where
are you going? He's going to get more beers.
He's going to get more beers. He's got a shit.
Anyway, you being there. It did roll. I want
you to know this. It meant. Literally nothing
to me. I was so pissed you were there. DeRosa
was there, right? Nope. DeRosa did not make it.
He came to the after party. I told Shane, I was
like, hey, get DeRosa in here. And Shane just
goes, he's taking pictures on the outside of
the after party. He goes, let DeRosa in? What
do you want me to do? He was paparazzi. I was
like, dude, it ruled so hard. We got a picture
of us. My niece was pumped that Sal was there.
My niece got there and was like... She loves
Sal. Impractical Jokers is the best show. What
was the date? February 24th. Fuck me. Dude, it
was fun. The fact that we happened to be there,
too. Welcome. Welcome to the party for once,
bro. A whiskey. You had fucking two whiskeys.
Shut up. Dude, we rated 21 Savages dressing room.
Seven decks of cards. So many peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches. By the way. No one deserves
more credit than 21. That's the bro, dude. What
was so impressive about him? That's a sick picture.
That's a sick picture. Hey, me, Shane, and Sal
in front of it, and Shane just automatically
going to cover his nuts because he knows. Rightfully
so. I was wrong to not do it, to not just fucking
dick punch him. No, 21 was like, you know, he's
21. The whole time he's like, yeah, what's up,
man? How you doing? But my niece really wanted
a picture with 21, and he was already, like,
leaving. He was out of the room, and I was like,
could 21 come back, take a picture with my niece?
And he said yes. That's crazy. Really? That's
cool. Yeah, he came back in. It was wild. Here's
Sal pissing in 21's dressing room. Hey, that's
fun. Let's have a few more. Oh, there you go.
Another five hours. We can keep going. It's only
7 p .m. right now. I got the fucking hiccups.
Do you have a show right now? Allegedly. Joe,
how does it feel to be a club owner? It's interesting.
Some good and some bad. Pros and cons. J -Mo,
how do you feel about that? That's terrible,
dude. Shut up, I got most of it. Pros, you got
a secret weapon. You can do an hour every night.
But cons, you gotta... Deal with the bullshit.
Are you legally allowed to drink a Lone Star
on camera? Not legally? For real? Bud Light,
let it go. We're good. That's all I had left.
Bud Light's a better beer. Everything on Earth
comes with pros and cons. Bud Light doesn't do
that? Why'd you dump all these? Shut up, dude.
Everything that exists comes with pros and cons.
Yeah. The pros outweigh the cons. Open a comedy
club. If you have the money, do it. If you can
do it, if you're me, do it. That's how I feel.
If anybody's going to do it, I've got to do it.
You've got to do it. It's like the obligation.
You get put in this weird spot where you have
resources that most people never have. You have
to do it if you care. If you really want to fuck
it. If you really give a fuck about what you're
talking about, you've got to do it. It is great.
This phone's locked up. Everything's great. The
fucking setup is great. The way it was established
is great. The fact that it's stress -free relatively
is great. The fact that comics have embraced
it. Shane's moved here. You two bitches. Brought
all the dogs down. Brought all the Philadelphia
dogs down. Hey, guard dog, road dog. You need
to move. You guys fucking need to move here.
O 'Connor, Pope. Why are you playing around with
these other places? We should get a condo. We
should get a condo. Mark, let's share. Let's
share a two -beddy. Mark, I'm down with that.
Mark, let's share a two -beddy. Don't wait. Don't
wait until it's a two -beddy. Don't wait until
the housing crisis happens here in Austin. It's
already happened. Let that collapse. It's already
happened. All right. Wait until McKeever gets
down here. All the bros are down here. Everyone's
down here already. McCusker. The fucking group
we have right now. The group we have right now
is insane. From Kill Tony to all the people that
came from Kill Tony. It is cool when you go like,
hey, I'm here in a week. I'm like, oh, who can
feature? I'm like, well. Everybody. Oh, McCusker,
Kaczynski, Rogan, I mean, Segura, Shane, whoever.
All of them. It was like, hey, come down and
fucking open for me. Everybody. Everybody. It's
what we wanted. We're only a year in that. We're
only a year, one year in. No, no, no, no, no.
Norman? One more. Give me a minute. I'm still
burping. Joe, for real, though, congratulations.
One year doing fucking stand -up comedy the right
way. Holding the line. Fucking great job. Not
just holding the line. Just fucking funny. We're
fucking telling everybody what the line is. Yeah.
It's not just holding the line. It's like paying
people the right way. This is one thing I'm proud
of. What? It's the small room. I did the first
set ever in the little boy. You did. Yes, he
did. Wait, really? 100%. He opened up for Chappelle.
I'll tell you what. Boy, oh, boy. Did I bomb.
Not true. Not true. I bombed. That's humble Shane
talking shit. And then Joe introduced it. Joe
was on the mic like, hey, everybody. He introduced
the show. I got on stage. Everybody in the show
was just. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no. All this is inaccurate. Norman,
shut the fuck up. First of all, literally no
one knew what the show was going to be. I said
special intimate show, 11 .30 p .m. in the little
room, sells out immediately. Shane Gillis goes
on stage, does 15 minutes. They have no idea
Dave's going up. He killed. He's so full of shit.
He killed. What was that? The first guy ever,
ever on stage. professionally in that room. Shame.
Okay. Second guy, Chappelle. I brought him on.
I brought him on. Oh, really? Just to say hi.
From the DJ booth. You coward. I saw that. No,
no, no. That's his. That's his. Wow. No, no.
He's right. That's his. Joe, stop. Joe, don't
do it. Joe, stay right. Jay, stay right. Joe,
stay right. Mark didn't do it. Hold on. I'm going
to piss you. Don't take it. I'm going to piss.
No, you don't. You can take it. You can piss
it out later. No, no, no. I'm going to piss.
Norman, Norman, Norman. You coward. You'll never
live this down. What the fuck, dude? Internet
attack. Wow. Internet destroy him first. He yelled
free Palestine in the hallway. Did you guys hear
that? No, but I support it. He supports it regardless.
Free Palestine. It's hard to analyze Eddie Shane
Gill's story because his rise is so fucking quick
that three months later you're like, oh, it was
a different time. He was slightly worse. He was
slightly lower than he is now. You wouldn't understand
it. That one was, I would do that today. No problem.
what first show at the oh yeah it was amazing
that was an honor and then chapelle goes on stage
after they have no idea chapelle's going up wow
wow wow so i just say all i said on twitter intimate
show that's it so shane goes up and then chapelle
goes up And it's insane. Wow. It's insane. What
a show. You've got to see it from my perspective.
Joe is on the mic introducing me. On the DJ mic.
Which is crazy. Just having Joe Rogan be like,
hey, everybody, coming up. I said, welcome to
the first ever show in the small room, little
boy, at the Comedy Mother Show. What's up? What's
up, dogs? How's everybody doing? All right, let's
get going. You guys ready to do this? All right,
yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite
comedians, Shane Gilligan. Some guy you haven't
heard of. And then I had to get down and go,
holy fuck, my bad. So this is one year ago. That's
how much your world has changed in one year.
It's so crazy. The rise is so nonstop that you
can't analyze it. Any story that happens a week
after it happens is like, it doesn't mean the
same thing. Oh, man. Dude, you've gone up so
fast. I would do that. I would do that tonight.
What? That show? Oh, yeah, for sure. You might
have to. We're about to go rogue. Here's the
one thing. What? Norman never gets wrecked on
this. He's wrecked. No. He's workout wrecked.
He's wrecked for Norman. No, I don't think he
is, though. I've seen him wrecked. I've been
to 6 a .m. with him. They say that. All three
of us have been destroyed on Protect Our Parks.
But he knows he's got to come with the quips.
When were you destroyed, though? You can only
go. Wait, when were you destroyed? No, he's never
destroyed. When was I destroyed? Yeah. I'm fucking
right now. Listen, listen. Guys, listen. When
were you destroyed, though? Not when you drank
more. When have you been destroyed? He doesn't
get destroyed. He's been destroyed. I've been
destroyed. 706. I puked after. We've got to end
this. You have? We have to end this. We have
to end this. Norman Bong won, and then we're
in. I yacked. Norman Bong yacked. You did? Yeah.
Bong that and then we'll end it. The best way
to fix that is a fucking freedom bong. Bong that
and we'll end it. America. Please bong that and
we'll end it. Don't be a communist. Don't be
a Uyghur. What are you doing? Don't get his dick
on camera. Bong that and we'll end it. Wait,
what'd I miss? Bong that goddamn bird and we'll
end it. Norman's got self -protection instincts.
What about the whiskey? He's like, shut up. I
like how he distorts things. What did I miss?
What did I miss? Bong that one. This guy's pulling
his dick out. He's filling whiskey bottles. That's
a full glass. Whiskey bottle full of piss. And
he's not even halfway done. All right, before
we end it, Norman, please bong that. All right,
well, we should have a... No, we all support
you. Some words of wisdom. Thank you, Joe. Gentlemen,
gentlemen, gentlemen. We are retarded. We are
here. We are here for comedy. We are here for
comedy. We hold the line. We hold the line. We
hold the line. We hold the line right here. This
is Scotland. All that free speech shit. This
is Scotland. We hold the line. Come on, Scotland.
Step up like the JRE. I'm learning. Under, under,
under. He's going with Scotland. We hold the
line, Scotland. Scotland. Scotland. We hold the
line. Underneath that. Teach me. We hold the
line. And now over. I don't want to hurt him.
Good luck. Good luck. Hold on. He's doing everything
he can to not bong that beer. Bong that beer.
Oh, good point. Good point. Bong the beer. Can
you hand me a whiskey to support the truth? He
did throw up. He's the first of us to throw up.
No. Today. Today. This is the first time he ever
puked on one of these. Shout out to Lone Star
as Shane. Lone Star. America. America. Chug that,
boy. Chug it, boy. Do it for the troops. This
is it. Do it for the troops. Do it for the ladies.
Think about all the troops, dude. Do you ever
hear the troops? Norman. Did you take asthma
medication? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You
have asthma. Three, two, one. Fuck yeah. Go,
go, go, go, go, go. You better do it all the
way, bro. If you quit now, it'll be bad for you.
You got to finish it. It's such slow swallows.
Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks 11. That
was definitely a good one. 14. It might be 80.
Yeah. What? Time is relative. Oh, man. We started
this at 230. It's in the books. 150. Holy shit.
Yeah. The show's already started. All right,
let's go. Derek Poston's on stage right now.
Good night, America. The rest of the world that
wished they were America. Good night. Wiggers,
never quit. China, never quit. China and Russia,
you can be us. I said China and Russia, you can
be us. All of us. Together. One world. United.