WEBVTT

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Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan

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experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast by

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night. All day. Hell yeah. We're back. Let's

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go. So much shit to talk about. You see that

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wild shit that's going on in Scotland where they're

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targeting comedians for hate crime laws? Still?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? Count Dracula?

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Count Dracula? Well, yeah, that was the same

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place with that guy, Dankula, right? Count Dankula?

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Yeah. Dankula. Sounds like a weed head. Do you

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remember that one? No. He got in trouble for

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making his dog do a Hitler. He trained his dog

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to go how little they were just doing to fuck

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with his girlfriend. German Shepherd. You got

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in trouble for that? No, it was a little pug.

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Yeah, he got by the law. It was a cute little

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pug. Pull it up. Bro, I think he got arrested.

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I've done that in my whole life. They brought

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him to fucking jail. You get in trouble for that?

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I do that every time I see a dog. I did it with

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my friend's kid. Yeah, he pushed his elbow and

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he does it. Oh, really? Scotland, we won't target

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comedians under new hate crime law. That's what

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you say now. But stand -up shows still come under

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its scope. Hmm. Jesus Christ, Scotland, you have

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one of the biggest fucking comedy festivals on

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Earth. That's true. Every year. It's a huge comedy

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festival. But they're pretty queefy over there.

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They'll cancel the show quick. They will be.

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They'll queef it up. But this is so queefy. Hate

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crime. Age, disability, religion, sexual orientation.

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Fuck my whole act. Yeah, everyone's whole act.

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I was going to say Mara's whole act. Stirring

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up hatred on certain grounds. It's everybody's

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act. Sexual orientation, yeah. What? These are

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just things that exist. You've got to talk about

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age. This is so ridiculous. Wow, Scotland got

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weird. Is that a real thing? No way. The training

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material is based on Scottish government's explanatory

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notes, which accompany the legislation. This

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included examples of a range of scenarios where

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offenses might take place, but this does not

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mean officers have been told to target these

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situations or locations. But they can if they

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want. Yeah, but if they can if they want. Dude,

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the mugshots from this are going to be hilarious.

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This is so scary. I'm like hamming it up. I'm

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getting arrested for an AIDS joke. What's been

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explained to me by my friends in the UK, specifically

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Francis Foster from Trigonometry. He's awesome.

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He was telling me that this government is like

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on the way out and that they're out of their

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fucking mind. They're just doing shit to like

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try. Every fucking generation goes this way and

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then that way. This way and they go too far left

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and they go too far right. And so these fucking

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kooks have decided they're going to... Target

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people and put them in jail. Did you hear what

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happened in Belgium? The dude got a year in jail

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for memes that were shared. Memes that they shared

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in a private chat. What? Yes. Oh, no. They gave

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him a year. We saw the memes. The memes are nothing.

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Wait, we saw the memes? Yeah, you can see the

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memes. The memes are online. They're not that

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funny? No. One of them was like a Hitler one

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that was like anti -Hitler. It was like an anti

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-Nazi meme. And this was one of the ones that

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was cited as being one of the offenses. It's

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in a fucking private chat. Imagine if I protect

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our hearts. Before the show started, the conversation

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was cut out. We should delete our data right

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now. I think we probably should. We should have

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a mass delete. 3, 2, 1, go. Turn the keys. Yeah.

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The podcast alone. Yeah, this is worse than the

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group chat. By the end of this episode, it'll

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be worse than... You think? That's how it always

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goes. You gotta see this... Look at this kid

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falling. I don't remember most of the back half.

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You gotta see this Belgium story and realize

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this fucking dumb shit is happening in 2024 with

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the internet. 2024. And you're going after people's

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phones and their private group chat. Private

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chat? Well, if everyone's private shit got leaked,

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we'd all be... But they go to jail for it, too?

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Here's the thing. How far are we from being able

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to listen to anybody talk at any time? The government

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can already do it. How far is, like, everybody

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from being able to do that and everybody assuming

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that everything you say all the time is being

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recorded? Oh, yeah. You know how fucked we're

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going to be if that happens? Well, it's good.

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You got Alexa in your house. Your phone hears

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everything. Yeah, but it's also, it's like, if

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it was actionable. Like if you start talking

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about things, like say if you're talking about

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some kind of medication that you can't use or

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some new law that they're going to pass that's

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going to fuck up free speech, whatever it is.

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If you're talking about that and then all of

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a sudden cops show up, if you're like, I want

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to kill these motherfuckers. Because people say

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that shit. You get around a guy and he's drunk

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and he makes $50 ,000 a year and he sees where

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his tax money is going to and he can barely get

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by and he's fucking hammering, I want to fucking

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kill Nancy Pelosi. They get crazy. People get

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crazy. It doesn't mean they're actually going

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to do it. He's just getting drunk. It's just

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drunk talk. Other than that guy. Put that hammer

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down and listen to me. He goes, nope. That real

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go -getter. Yeah. That guy was like, nope. What

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a wild moment where he looks and sees the cops.

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He's like. I guess it's now. How crazy is Paul

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Pelosi that he only had one hand on the dude

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because his other hand was on his drink? Yeah.

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How much faith did he have that he can get away

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with things? Well, they knew each other, clearly.

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They knew each other. Do you think so? Oh, yeah.

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The guy broke into the house with a hammer. Seems

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like Paul was trying to keep it. Yeah, I don't

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think they knew each other. No, I think that

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was the rumor that he was a gay lover. That's

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what I heard. Yeah, no, no, no, no. There's a

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video of the guy using the hammer he hit him

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in the fucking head with to break into the house.

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Like, he's banging on the back door. That sounds

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like ex -girlfriend shit, though. Exactly. Does

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it, though? It's like, I think it's a schizophrenic

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in your house with a hammer. He was like, you

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said you wouldn't embarrass me. It's a gay quarrel.

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Maybe she sent someone in to whack him. Maybe

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she thought about half of that $200 million she

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stole. And she's like, you know what? This is

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a horrible video, man. I hate this video. I was

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like, come on over. Because look at him. He's

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not even looking. And this guy's got a fucking

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hammer. And he's got his hand on the hammer.

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And then the guy breaks the hammer loose and

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just bangs him in the head. Jesus. A bunch of

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times. And no, he hit him more than once, I think.

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When he went down, he hit him again. But the

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thing is, like, he's snoring. Now, when you're

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that old and you get knocked the fuck out like

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that, that is really bad. I mean, he might not

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ever be the same again. He got hit in the head

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with a fucking metal hammer. Still holding the

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drink, though. You're right. Bro, it's crazy

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he only had one hand on that hammer. Yeah. That

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is so nuts. It's his superiority. His confidence

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that he has that everything's going to be fine.

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What's his night shirt? That's a big guy, too.

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Big crazy looking motherfucker who just broke

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into your house and he has a hammer. He'll be

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on Kill Tony soon. He thought that he was going

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to keep that guy chill until the cops got there.

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And once the cops got there, he was going to

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keep him chill. Then they were just going to

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arrest that guy. He's like leading him forward,

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too. He's like, come on, come on. You can't let

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a guy turn your hand that way, stupid. You're

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against your thumb now. If someone's grabbing

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something and trying to take it from you, look,

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always have something this way. Wait, that's

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the... Yeah, this is the guy breaking into the

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house. He's so calm. I know. He's a fucking psychopath.

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I love it. He's so calm. So he pulls out a hammer.

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Look, he's got like a sleeping bag. He's a fucking

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crazy homeless dude. Wow, he got in there pretty

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easy. Do you think he had any idea it was a Pelosi's?

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Is that what we're saying? How does this guy

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not have time? Top -notch security. I know. How

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are you so confident that you could just sleep

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in that house? Yeah, he could be. In your crime

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-infested city. That is so crazy. I mean, that

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city is infested with crime. He's so calm. He

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looks like the comic book guy. He's totally got

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a plan. And he's also confident no one has a

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gun. I like how he pulls out carefully all his

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tools, and then the plan is smash it. Yeah, yeah,

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yeah, yeah. You still can't get in. So he bashes

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through this fucking door, which took a while.

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It made a lot of noise. Pelosi's pretty calm.

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I would be freaking out. The guy broke the door

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with a hammer. Good point. Maybe we missed a

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whole chunk where the guy just runs up to him

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and blows him. Maybe he broke in. This was the

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fantasy. The fantasy was like, and then Pelosi's

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like, I'm not paying you. The cops are here.

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But you broke my door. Exactly. And then he hits

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him with a hammer. Maybe we're missing context.

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Thank God you're here. Bro, that's a horrific

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video to watch, though. I won't listen to it.

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It's horrible. It's a clunk. It's a horrible

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thud and then the snoring. Regardless of what

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you think about them stealing money, that's terrible.

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That's just terrible. They definitely stole a

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lot of money. I follow her stock tips. That stock

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tip thing. I say stole money. What I should be

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saying is engaged in insider trading that's legal.

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There you go. And it's just nuts that it's legal.

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It's nuts that they can pass laws and they know

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the laws are coming and then they buy up stock

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and then they get paid. Yeah, but they can't

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be stopped. Who's going to stop them? They would

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have to stop them. Other than a hero with a hammer.

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Other than one heroic schizophrenic. I mean,

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how do you stop them? Bro. They make the rules.

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That's got to be a weird feeling to know that

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everybody knows that you got all your money by

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being a corrupt politician and you're just wandering

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around. Yeah. It's like, what are you going to

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do about it? Yeah, what are you going to do about

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it? Listen, the companies needed. Financial support,

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we supported them, and we were rewarded for that.

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That's also why they probably need to keep making

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money. Like, they need security. lots more and

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more security. Higgins going wild. He did so

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good. Isn't it funny that Pelosi only gets the

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blunt of it? Everybody else is doing it too.

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She's the Speaker of the House. Right, she's

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the Speaker of the House. Who's Higgins? Who's

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Spy? What does this mean? Spy is like the S &P

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500. Hold on, but isn't this based on the percentage

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of their returns? So maybe Higgins is a new guy

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that just is in there getting... Really rich.

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Pelosi's getting... Right, but he's going after

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it hard. He's going wild. This is like the guy

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wearing the coat in Goodfellas. Yes! You dumbass.

00:10:14.289 --> 00:10:16.429
The Cadillac. He pulls up with the Cadillac.

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I said take it easy. Take it back. Take the Cadillac

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back. Chill out. I'm only here for one term.

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I'm going to get mine. Bro, that was such a good

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scene. Such a good scene in Goodfellas. You realize

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they have to kill that guy because he's got a

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Cadillac. Get your shine box. No, no, no. That

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was a different one. In his defense, he said

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it lacks context. Insider trading. Viral post

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leads to claims of insider trading. He says it

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lacks context. What's the context? Those numbers

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provide a distorted view of the facts. Oh, okay.

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Tell me more. I like that. He talked it. Tell

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me more, sir. What does it say? Higgins argument

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is our argument. See what his statement is? It's

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out of context. Right. It's funny that he has

00:10:55.929 --> 00:10:59.360
to. Here it goes. These numbers provide a distorted

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view of the facts that a spokesperson for Higgins,

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even better move, use a spokesperson. In a statement

00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:07.919
to 7 News, the truth is Congressman Higgins has

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minimal investments and holdings. In 2023, one

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position, which he had held for years and is

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held by millions of other people, performed well.

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Rep Higgins follows all ethics and financial

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reporting requirements. Relatively speaking,

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he is always ranked amongst the most modest income

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earners in Congress. Oh, it said he had less

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than $100 ,000 in the stocks. So when he went

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up 80 grand, it was like, that's massive. It's

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like the Pistons winning two games in a row.

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Also. If he has minimal investments and holdings,

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he just gets lucky, and he's got one of them.

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It's like NVIDIA. NVIDIA is a common one to hold.

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He goes, I've had it for years. It doubled. It

00:11:43.379 --> 00:11:46.840
definitely jumped up when Nancy Pelosi fucking

00:11:46.840 --> 00:11:49.100
passed them bills. Hey, Nancy, you know anything

00:11:49.100 --> 00:11:51.379
about NVIDIA? Anything chance that I could do

00:11:51.379 --> 00:11:53.480
better? I got a lot of money to pay for this.

00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:55.159
You got to admire it because it's in front of

00:11:55.159 --> 00:11:58.340
everybody. What do they care? I mean, she banged

00:11:58.340 --> 00:12:01.120
Kennedy. Did she? Pull that photo up. Pelosi?

00:12:01.159 --> 00:12:04.139
Yeah, she was super young and hot. No. Are you

00:12:04.139 --> 00:12:06.139
sure she banged him or did she just knew him?

00:12:06.259 --> 00:12:08.179
Well, I think if you're in Kennedy's orbit, you're

00:12:08.179 --> 00:12:09.220
blowing him. You kind of want to and have to.

00:12:10.740 --> 00:12:13.399
Minimum. That's true. Minimum? I think that's

00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:14.879
pretty standard. Minimum. Isn't it funny that

00:12:14.879 --> 00:12:16.519
everybody considers him like our greatest of

00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:18.960
all time president? Hey, look at the young cans.

00:12:19.580 --> 00:12:25.799
217. 217. Pelosi. Wow. She's 17, Mark. You sex

00:12:25.799 --> 00:12:28.279
pervert. Oh, is that right? Do you think? Well,

00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:30.919
that was legal. She's still older than us. Do

00:12:30.919 --> 00:12:32.919
you really think JFK was banging 17 -year -olds?

00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.940
Yes. Yeah, probably. 100%. Wasn't frowned upon.

00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:38.940
Is that an insane? Imagine bringing that up in

00:12:38.940 --> 00:12:42.179
a history class. Imagine being in a history class.

00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:44.960
That's cool, TJ. And telling the teacher, you

00:12:44.960 --> 00:12:47.080
know what I think? Yeah. Wasn't he probably,

00:12:47.139 --> 00:12:50.000
though, banging a lot of 17 -year -olds? Let's

00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:51.519
get back to the Bay of Pigs. That's what I'm

00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:53.740
saying. Let's talk about that. That's a good

00:12:53.740 --> 00:12:59.059
name for his pool. The Bay of Pigs. Sorry. It's

00:12:59.059 --> 00:13:01.320
kind of crazy, but to be the leader of a country

00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:03.759
like that, it's almost like a prerequisite. You

00:13:03.759 --> 00:13:05.679
have to be a poonhound. That's the only reason

00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:07.159
why you have the ambition to get to that spot

00:13:07.159 --> 00:13:09.179
in the first place. Yeah, and up until Clinton,

00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:12.360
you kind of made fun of the girls. And if you're

00:13:12.360 --> 00:13:15.320
not and you get into that position, now I'm skeptical.

00:13:15.740 --> 00:13:19.340
What's your motive? Yeah. Because it's either

00:13:19.340 --> 00:13:22.440
war and money or pussy. I'll take the guy who

00:13:22.440 --> 00:13:25.120
just wants pussy every day of the week. It seems

00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:28.429
like the best ones. Clinton when he was president.

00:13:28.629 --> 00:13:32.950
Trump. Trump, for sure. Obama won a dick. That's

00:13:32.950 --> 00:13:36.289
allegedly. That's allegedly. That's allegedly.

00:13:37.090 --> 00:13:40.970
Allegedly. But our favorite is JFK, and he's

00:13:40.970 --> 00:13:42.570
like the known biggest poon out. He's the known.

00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:44.779
The known biggest. What about those older guys,

00:13:44.860 --> 00:13:46.320
the drawn guys? Do you think any of them were

00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:49.039
poonhounds? Which ones? Like the old -timey guys?

00:13:49.279 --> 00:13:51.340
Yeah. The ones that were drawn, not photographed.

00:13:51.759 --> 00:13:53.679
Oh, what about the guy in the wheelchair? Back

00:13:53.679 --> 00:13:56.120
in the drawing days, you could do whatever you

00:13:56.120 --> 00:13:57.740
wanted. You're not going to be here long enough

00:13:57.740 --> 00:13:59.720
for someone to sketch this. You could kill a

00:13:59.720 --> 00:14:01.340
lady. You could kill everybody. Just go to the

00:14:01.340 --> 00:14:03.200
next town. You could kill everybody, and then

00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:04.659
they ask you, did you kill them? We're moving

00:14:04.659 --> 00:14:07.779
to Annapolis. Sorry, Philly. And they did it

00:14:07.779 --> 00:14:11.139
again. Let's go further. What were their investigations

00:14:11.139 --> 00:14:15.120
like? Oh, yeah. Did you kill him? Nope. No forensics.

00:14:15.139 --> 00:14:19.549
Sounds right. Sounds good. Yeah. Yeah, just evidence.

00:14:19.889 --> 00:14:21.769
God, the lawyers back then, it's like, I just

00:14:21.769 --> 00:14:24.610
lost the witch trials. I'm your new attorney.

00:14:24.750 --> 00:14:27.769
God damn it. That was the worst lawyer of all

00:14:27.769 --> 00:14:30.409
time. How did you lose that one? The witch trials

00:14:30.409 --> 00:14:31.690
are the wildest shit of all time. They're witches,

00:14:31.909 --> 00:14:33.669
and I got nothing. They didn't even give you

00:14:33.669 --> 00:14:36.289
a lawyer back then. That's pretty new. They have

00:14:36.289 --> 00:14:38.169
to give you a lawyer. They're just like, I can

00:14:38.169 --> 00:14:40.950
read, you can't. Good luck with your trial. I

00:14:40.950 --> 00:14:43.090
think mostly they drowned them, too. It wasn't

00:14:43.090 --> 00:14:44.990
really a burning thing. The burning thing is

00:14:44.990 --> 00:14:47.149
kind of a misnomer, right? Is that right, Mark?

00:14:47.509 --> 00:14:49.090
I don't know. The drowning thing they used to

00:14:49.090 --> 00:14:51.309
do for sure. They definitely drowned them, right?

00:14:51.330 --> 00:14:53.389
They had this thing where they would lock you

00:14:53.389 --> 00:14:55.690
to a chair and throw you in a pond. Whoa! And

00:14:55.690 --> 00:14:57.070
then they'd be like, if she's a witch, she's

00:14:57.070 --> 00:14:59.809
going to get out. Right. No one ever got out.

00:14:59.929 --> 00:15:01.269
No one ever got out. So they were just like,

00:15:01.269 --> 00:15:04.610
oh, shit. If she's a witch, she would just leave.

00:15:04.850 --> 00:15:06.750
If they floated, they were proven to be a witch.

00:15:06.850 --> 00:15:08.850
If they drowned, too bad, but at least they weren't

00:15:08.850 --> 00:15:14.509
a witch. According to Smith, this type of test

00:15:14.509 --> 00:15:17.889
was also a myth carried over from early European

00:15:17.889 --> 00:15:20.590
history. Oh, no. It's just like the burning at

00:15:20.590 --> 00:15:23.009
the stake. Interesting. Now they're just cunts.

00:15:23.190 --> 00:15:25.250
Well, that's not true, though. I guarantee they

00:15:25.250 --> 00:15:28.470
burn some people alive. They definitely burn

00:15:28.470 --> 00:15:30.149
some people alive. They definitely. What if they

00:15:30.149 --> 00:15:32.039
didn't have a lake near them? Listen, man, they

00:15:32.039 --> 00:15:34.100
killed people in horrific ways and just lied

00:15:34.100 --> 00:15:35.559
about it when they wrote it down afterwards.

00:15:35.799 --> 00:15:38.220
Oh, yeah. There's a lot of that. Museum of Torture

00:15:38.220 --> 00:15:40.799
in Amsterdam. I went to that. It rules. It's

00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:42.320
just like this pyramid that you're supposed to

00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:45.600
let a guy put his ass on. Yes. Oh, God. That's

00:15:45.600 --> 00:15:46.820
a good way to go. That's a good one. Just pull

00:15:46.820 --> 00:15:49.799
them apart. Yeah. That sucks. What was the coffin

00:15:49.799 --> 00:15:51.500
with the spikes in it and they close it on you?

00:15:51.740 --> 00:15:58.240
Well, that fucking Vlad the Impaler guy. So the

00:15:58.240 --> 00:16:01.000
witch trials in Salem consisted mainly of a physical

00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:05.080
examination for the witch's test? Teat. Witch's

00:16:05.080 --> 00:16:08.320
teat. Oh, what is that? Which the Puritans believed

00:16:08.320 --> 00:16:11.360
was a sort of third nipple, from which witches

00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:16.120
familiar would suck blood. Oh, my God. Woe be

00:16:16.120 --> 00:16:19.860
unto a woman with skin tags or a weird mole.

00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:23.500
Damn. Damn. You got a skin tag. You're getting

00:16:23.500 --> 00:16:26.299
your head cut off. Surprisingly modern language

00:16:26.299 --> 00:16:29.220
on that. Yeah. A weird mole. They think of familiar

00:16:29.220 --> 00:16:31.740
sucking blood out of your third tip. You know

00:16:31.740 --> 00:16:35.019
how those ended? The witch trials? Some lady

00:16:35.019 --> 00:16:37.179
was like, you're a witch. And everybody went,

00:16:37.299 --> 00:16:39.740
ah. And that was it. Oh, really? It just ended

00:16:39.740 --> 00:16:41.980
because they were getting annoyed with how she

00:16:41.980 --> 00:16:43.340
was just calling everybody she hated a witch.

00:16:43.779 --> 00:16:45.139
Well, you know how it started? This is your fifth

00:16:45.139 --> 00:16:48.460
one. It started with ergot. They had an early

00:16:48.460 --> 00:16:51.100
frost, and when you have an early frost sometimes,

00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:55.220
it gives you fungus. I saw it at the bottom.

00:16:55.340 --> 00:16:59.960
I saw you, you nasty fungus. And ergot has like

00:16:59.960 --> 00:17:02.840
an— I watched him. He knows the story. No, it

00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:04.640
says it's a myth. No, you can see that at the

00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:05.859
bottom. That's what this says. What's ergot?

00:17:05.859 --> 00:17:07.900
Wait a minute, but they've proven that ergot

00:17:07.900 --> 00:17:10.299
was in wheat during that time. I was just saying.

00:17:11.040 --> 00:17:13.160
During then Massachusetts. What's ergot? Hold

00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:16.180
on. Let Jamie talk so I can hear what he's saying.

00:17:16.700 --> 00:17:19.779
Massachusetts would not have had that problem,

00:17:19.819 --> 00:17:21.400
but I don't know why. It says they would have

00:17:21.400 --> 00:17:23.220
known how to fix it by then. Yeah, but they found

00:17:23.220 --> 00:17:25.480
evidence of ergot. But the problem is they found

00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:27.819
evidence. Find that. Because I know they found

00:17:27.819 --> 00:17:29.380
one of the reasons why they came up with this

00:17:29.380 --> 00:17:31.180
theory in the first place. They found evidence

00:17:31.180 --> 00:17:34.940
of ergot. What's ergot? It's like a fucking fungus

00:17:34.940 --> 00:17:37.420
that grows on wheat and it makes people trip

00:17:37.420 --> 00:17:40.839
balls like acid. For sure there was one that

00:17:40.839 --> 00:17:43.740
happened in France where a bunch of people died.

00:17:44.740 --> 00:17:46.980
It's actually the thing that they found in those

00:17:46.980 --> 00:17:51.400
vessels that show that the Romans and the ancient

00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:53.579
Greek were doing those psychedelic rituals. They

00:17:53.579 --> 00:17:56.079
found these pottery vessels that have ergot in

00:17:56.079 --> 00:17:59.200
them. Is it available anymore? Ergot, I think,

00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:02.079
it's still available. You're going to burn a

00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:04.660
lady. But it's super toxic, too. It kills people.

00:18:04.859 --> 00:18:08.019
The theory that went popular was started in a

00:18:08.019 --> 00:18:11.380
1976 edition of Science Magazine where it talked

00:18:11.380 --> 00:18:13.980
about the ergot theory. But as of now, they think

00:18:13.980 --> 00:18:17.039
that it is not probably true. Interesting. But

00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:20.049
why do they think it's not true? I'm always,

00:18:20.109 --> 00:18:23.329
when they start dismissing psychedelic stuff,

00:18:23.490 --> 00:18:25.529
I'm always like, how do you know for sure, for

00:18:25.529 --> 00:18:29.029
sure? Because if ergot does exist, and ergot

00:18:29.029 --> 00:18:31.569
is a thing that grows on wheat, and it's really,

00:18:31.670 --> 00:18:34.250
a bunch of people are just fucking freaking out

00:18:34.250 --> 00:18:38.259
about things. The cultural fascination of LSD

00:18:38.259 --> 00:18:40.519
during this period. What does it say? So this

00:18:40.519 --> 00:18:42.640
theory came out in the 70s, it says. The theory

00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:45.400
came out. So when people started using acid,

00:18:45.500 --> 00:18:47.339
the theory came out. See, I was under the impression

00:18:47.339 --> 00:18:50.000
that there was actual evidence of ergot in samples

00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:52.940
that they got. I'm looking for that. I found

00:18:52.940 --> 00:18:55.119
this by typing in evidence of ergot. I might

00:18:55.119 --> 00:18:57.240
be mixed up because I know they found evidence.

00:18:57.380 --> 00:18:59.259
No, I've heard that story. Yeah, I've heard it,

00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:01.480
but I'm not sure if it's true. But I know they

00:19:01.480 --> 00:19:03.740
found evidence for sure in these ancient pottery

00:19:03.740 --> 00:19:07.640
vessels. People that were involved in the Eleusinian

00:19:07.640 --> 00:19:10.619
Mysteries and all that shit that was going down

00:19:10.619 --> 00:19:13.279
in Greece 2 ,000 plus years ago, they were trapping

00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:16.019
balls. It says it led to this theory being put

00:19:16.019 --> 00:19:18.220
in the school curriculums as an explanation for

00:19:18.220 --> 00:19:20.339
the trials. No way. School curriculums taught

00:19:20.339 --> 00:19:23.119
that? I don't know that they have actual evidence

00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:25.779
of it other than just being passed on. I think

00:19:25.779 --> 00:19:27.880
I'm done with acid. We got mushrooms. I don't

00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:30.759
need acid anymore. I'm the opposite. You like

00:19:30.759 --> 00:19:32.339
acid more? I've been way more into acid lately.

00:19:32.619 --> 00:19:36.269
What? You can control it. No. Smooth. Smooth.

00:19:36.329 --> 00:19:39.690
It's a chemical. You're not hitting the floor.

00:19:39.869 --> 00:19:43.569
Bro, you are trusting bathtub chemists with your

00:19:43.569 --> 00:19:46.210
sanity. Yeah. Exactly. You are trusting. They're

00:19:46.210 --> 00:19:49.130
the most trustworthy. They're not going to fuck

00:19:49.130 --> 00:19:51.170
you. The CIA is writing this down right now and

00:19:51.170 --> 00:19:53.430
they're like, dose Ari Shaffir with the good

00:19:53.430 --> 00:19:57.250
stuff. The stuff we used on Jack Ruby. Also,

00:19:57.390 --> 00:19:59.529
it's liquid. You can put it on paper. You can

00:19:59.529 --> 00:20:02.230
put it on your hand. Cheeseburgers. It's so good.

00:20:02.490 --> 00:20:04.759
That's going to be a myth too. You think? Seeps

00:20:04.759 --> 00:20:06.319
in your hands? I don't think it seeps in. No,

00:20:06.339 --> 00:20:08.660
it definitely does. It does? Yeah, that's how,

00:20:08.819 --> 00:20:12.259
what's his face? Leary? I have touched it a lot

00:20:12.259 --> 00:20:13.880
with my bare hands. I've never gotten anything

00:20:13.880 --> 00:20:15.460
while I'm moving it place to place. What was

00:20:15.460 --> 00:20:18.400
the name of Albert Hoffman? That's how Albert

00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:22.339
Hoffman discovered it. It was a women's fertility

00:20:22.339 --> 00:20:24.380
drug they were working on. But wasn't it still

00:20:24.380 --> 00:20:28.779
wet? It was to induce labor. Was it dried in

00:20:28.779 --> 00:20:31.190
or was it still wet? I think he just got it on

00:20:31.190 --> 00:20:34.650
his hands. And he had a crazy dose, apparently.

00:20:35.009 --> 00:20:37.150
And then went on a bike ride. And this dude just

00:20:37.150 --> 00:20:40.450
tripped and balls. I had a festival. We went

00:20:40.450 --> 00:20:42.069
to a festival in Western Georgia a couple years

00:20:42.069 --> 00:20:44.769
ago. And somebody was testing all the coke. Like,

00:20:44.809 --> 00:20:46.130
we got to test it first. And we're like, I thought

00:20:46.130 --> 00:20:47.960
they meant to try it. But they were like. you

00:20:47.960 --> 00:20:49.720
know, chemically tested. Like a fentanyl. They're

00:20:49.720 --> 00:20:51.819
like 100 % pure, buy coke from that guy. And

00:20:51.819 --> 00:20:53.799
then later they went to get acid from this chick

00:20:53.799 --> 00:20:57.259
on a bus and they were like, tested it, 0 % acid

00:20:57.259 --> 00:20:59.759
in that. What was it? Some sort of like liquid

00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:01.920
mescaline and then the guy who had it was like,

00:21:01.980 --> 00:21:04.240
it was freshly dipped, it's all over my hands

00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:06.140
and he just started flying. This is one of the

00:21:06.140 --> 00:21:08.440
stories I know as a music engineer of this being

00:21:08.440 --> 00:21:10.920
true because of the guy that like made acid was

00:21:10.920 --> 00:21:13.079
a Grateful Dead engineer supposedly. Half a century.

00:21:13.710 --> 00:21:16.289
The guy who made acid? One of the guys. Oh, a

00:21:16.289 --> 00:21:18.509
guy who made it. Like one of the guys. Oh, the

00:21:18.509 --> 00:21:20.890
guys. Right. Okay, so not only is LSD absorbed

00:21:20.890 --> 00:21:23.150
through the skin on contact, but it can apparently

00:21:23.150 --> 00:21:27.170
stay potent for half a century. Wow. San Francisco

00:21:27.170 --> 00:21:29.890
sound engineer Elliot Curtis found that out for

00:21:29.890 --> 00:21:33.849
himself when he was fixing a 1960s synthesizer

00:21:33.849 --> 00:21:38.130
and then tripped for nine hours straight. Completely

00:21:38.130 --> 00:21:41.609
unaware that the device had been encrusted with

00:21:41.609 --> 00:21:47.670
decades -old LSD. Wow. That guy took acid and

00:21:47.670 --> 00:21:50.880
made up a story, bro. Yep. Or somebody painted

00:21:50.880 --> 00:21:53.619
their... Imagine if you leave a synthesizer and

00:21:53.619 --> 00:21:55.380
you go, I'm going to paint this bitch with acid.

00:21:55.380 --> 00:21:58.240
Someone's eventually going to touch this. Someone's

00:21:58.240 --> 00:21:59.980
going to get their greasy fucking hands on this.

00:21:59.980 --> 00:22:01.700
Painted it. Doesn't dry up. Just go see God.

00:22:01.920 --> 00:22:04.859
Well, the old myth is Manson dipped a bunch of

00:22:04.859 --> 00:22:07.420
Bible pages in acid and then brought a Bible

00:22:07.420 --> 00:22:09.220
into prison that would just eat it every day.

00:22:09.440 --> 00:22:12.819
Well, Manson was in touch with Jolly West. Jolly

00:22:12.819 --> 00:22:15.200
West visited Manson when he was in prison. Jolly

00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:17.220
West was the head of MKUltra and they did LSD

00:22:17.220 --> 00:22:19.940
experiments on people. And that's the primary

00:22:19.940 --> 00:22:23.200
theory in the book Chaos. Chaos by this guy Tom

00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:24.940
O 'Neill. They made him crazy? Fitzsimmons buddy.

00:22:25.039 --> 00:22:27.480
Do you know Fitzsimmons was next door neighbor

00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:28.980
to this guy? He was writing this book on the

00:22:28.980 --> 00:22:31.579
Manson family murders for like 20 years. That's

00:22:31.579 --> 00:22:34.119
Tom O 'Neill. The book's insane. So this Jolly

00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:36.740
West guy visited Manson when he was in jail.

00:22:36.759 --> 00:22:38.660
Visited Jack Ruby when he was in prison and Jack

00:22:38.660 --> 00:22:42.420
Ruby went nuts. Wait. Before they did the thing?

00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:44.940
Yeah. Before they did the thing – look, I think

00:22:44.940 --> 00:22:46.740
what it was was they were trying to get rid of

00:22:46.740 --> 00:22:48.660
the anti -war movement and they were trying to

00:22:48.660 --> 00:22:50.359
get rid of the civil rights movement and they

00:22:50.359 --> 00:22:51.539
were trying to get rid of a bunch of different

00:22:51.539 --> 00:22:53.000
things that were going on at the same time. And

00:22:53.000 --> 00:22:55.640
one of the ways they did it was to, A, make all

00:22:55.640 --> 00:22:57.799
drugs illegal. But one of the best ways to make

00:22:57.799 --> 00:23:00.920
all drugs illegal and discredit the hippies is

00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:03.259
dose up a bunch of them and get it to murder

00:23:03.259 --> 00:23:05.539
people in horrific ways. And then all of a sudden

00:23:05.539 --> 00:23:07.380
the hippies become the most dangerous force in

00:23:07.380 --> 00:23:09.140
America. And if you've got the power of the media

00:23:09.140 --> 00:23:12.140
behind you and you've pushed that narrative and

00:23:12.140 --> 00:23:15.099
you – make it happen, you're essentially waging

00:23:15.099 --> 00:23:19.160
war on American civilians. You're essentially

00:23:19.160 --> 00:23:21.960
waging a psychological war on the population

00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:24.819
that's paying your salary. It is a wild thing

00:23:24.819 --> 00:23:28.319
they did, but they definitely did it. Damn. Yeah.

00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:32.140
CIA is fucking lame. They have too much power.

00:23:32.259 --> 00:23:33.640
I don't like them. All groups that have too much

00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:36.299
power, you're going to do some wacky shit. The

00:23:36.299 --> 00:23:39.119
Dulles brothers, they can kick rocks as far as

00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:41.519
I'm concerned. Who's that? Dulles Airport? Yeah.

00:23:42.119 --> 00:23:44.339
That's them. They might be involved in the assassination

00:23:44.339 --> 00:23:47.099
of Kennedy. They probably killed JFK. Oh, shit.

00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:48.779
I think there was a lot of people involved in

00:23:48.779 --> 00:23:51.400
that. I think that guy was tossing up the apple

00:23:51.400 --> 00:23:53.500
cart a little too much. Too much? They were like,

00:23:53.579 --> 00:23:55.759
uh -uh. Too many people. And back then, again,

00:23:55.900 --> 00:23:59.380
this was just 50 years past the drawing of people.

00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:03.599
I mean, you go to fucking look for a photo from

00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:06.440
1890. Good luck, bitch. So, you know, see, here

00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:09.779
you are 60, 70 years later. That's nothing. And

00:24:09.779 --> 00:24:12.380
then you're dealing with one president that's

00:24:12.380 --> 00:24:14.440
going to get rid of the fucking Federal Reserve.

00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:16.809
Shut the fuck up. Shut up, you are. Yeah, yeah,

00:24:16.829 --> 00:24:19.650
yeah. What the fuck is this guy doing? And then

00:24:19.650 --> 00:24:22.490
he's going to get in a convertible and drive

00:24:22.490 --> 00:24:24.349
through Texas where they hated him in Texas.

00:24:24.509 --> 00:24:25.970
Pretty ballsy. And suddenly it's a convertible.

00:24:26.450 --> 00:24:28.150
But they hated him in Texas. Great headshot.

00:24:28.529 --> 00:24:31.549
They hated him in Texas. Like, Texas was red.

00:24:31.970 --> 00:24:33.970
Oh, yeah. He was driving through Dallas. They

00:24:33.970 --> 00:24:36.150
hated him. You ever go to the X in Dallas? Yeah,

00:24:36.230 --> 00:24:37.869
go out to the street. It's fun. It's fun to see

00:24:37.869 --> 00:24:39.859
it. Isn't it weird how little it is? Like the

00:24:39.859 --> 00:24:42.359
area? Yeah, yeah. Anybody who says you couldn't

00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:44.539
make that shot is out of their fucking minds.

00:24:44.680 --> 00:24:47.380
Easy. Out of their fucking minds. All the arguments

00:24:47.380 --> 00:24:49.220
that he couldn't make that shot are so stupid.

00:24:49.259 --> 00:24:51.799
You think? Yeah. He got three off pretty quick

00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:53.319
though, right? Here's the thing. And he missed

00:24:53.319 --> 00:24:56.160
one by like a mile? It doesn't mean even that

00:24:56.160 --> 00:24:59.200
that was him. It doesn't mean that. It just means

00:24:59.200 --> 00:25:01.200
he was in that building. I like it. We're back

00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:03.519
on the same page. The thing about it is, the

00:25:03.519 --> 00:25:06.700
thing about it is, they made up a theory. On

00:25:06.700 --> 00:25:08.359
the count of three. One, two, three. And everyone

00:25:08.359 --> 00:25:11.039
just shot. No, they did something like that.

00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:13.440
They saw him. They probably all had a signal.

00:25:13.500 --> 00:25:15.279
Something happened. Maybe an umbrella right next

00:25:15.279 --> 00:25:17.000
to him. If they're going to shoot the fucking

00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:18.799
president. His wife, Jacqueline. No, there's

00:25:18.799 --> 00:25:20.920
a guy opening an umbrella. No, that's nonsense.

00:25:21.240 --> 00:25:22.559
No, you saw it. I've seen that. It's nonsense.

00:25:22.900 --> 00:25:24.119
It's just a guy opening an umbrella. It's just

00:25:24.119 --> 00:25:26.720
a guy. Some people think his fucking bodyguard

00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:28.779
shot him. The whole Secret Service guy shot him.

00:25:28.839 --> 00:25:31.529
Look. There was probably a bunch of people shooting

00:25:31.529 --> 00:25:34.069
at him. He got hit in the neck for sure. He grabs

00:25:34.069 --> 00:25:35.970
his neck. From the front. Yeah, from the front.

00:25:36.069 --> 00:25:38.730
He grabs his neck. They altered it when they

00:25:38.730 --> 00:25:41.769
got to the second autopsy. They did two autopsies.

00:25:41.789 --> 00:25:44.410
They got his body initially in Dallas, and then

00:25:44.410 --> 00:25:47.569
they flew it to Bethesda. So in the interim,

00:25:47.730 --> 00:25:50.950
they changed what was listed as an entry hole

00:25:50.950 --> 00:25:54.430
in his neck to a tracheotomy. And they say it's

00:25:54.430 --> 00:25:56.730
just like, no, no, that was just like they did

00:25:56.730 --> 00:25:58.410
it wrong over there. But there was a lot of shenanigans

00:25:58.410 --> 00:26:01.789
between the two autopsies. The autopsies, they

00:26:01.789 --> 00:26:03.769
wouldn't let them do it. The federal, they took

00:26:03.769 --> 00:26:06.609
the body. Generals showed up. It was heavy -duty

00:26:06.609 --> 00:26:08.309
shit. All people are like, he's got to go. The

00:26:08.309 --> 00:26:10.910
best book on this is Best Evidence by a guy named

00:26:10.910 --> 00:26:13.589
David Lifton, who was an accountant. They hired

00:26:13.589 --> 00:26:16.329
him to go over the Warren Commission report.

00:26:17.160 --> 00:26:20.259
And he went, no, I'm sorry. Sorry. Back and to

00:26:20.259 --> 00:26:23.599
the left. So this guy goes over this. Nobody

00:26:23.599 --> 00:26:25.279
would read the whole Warren Commission report.

00:26:25.380 --> 00:26:27.240
It's like fucking 900 pages. Oh, yeah. But this

00:26:27.240 --> 00:26:29.220
dude read all of it. He read all of it and found

00:26:29.220 --> 00:26:31.180
all these inconsistencies, all these things that

00:26:31.180 --> 00:26:33.079
didn't make sense. And so he writes this book

00:26:33.079 --> 00:26:36.380
about it. His research was just reading it. The

00:26:36.380 --> 00:26:39.180
thing that was out that no one went to. A lot

00:26:39.180 --> 00:26:42.200
of people died, dude. A lot of people that saw

00:26:42.200 --> 00:26:45.400
the assassination died in weird ways. Bobby too.

00:26:45.740 --> 00:26:48.200
Like a giant number of people that were on the

00:26:48.200 --> 00:26:51.680
scene died. Oh, really? Yeah, weird ways. Like

00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:54.039
they did a statistical analysis of what are the

00:26:54.039 --> 00:26:56.160
likelihood of all these people being either murdered

00:26:56.160 --> 00:26:59.039
or suicide. Whoa. short period of time. It was

00:26:59.039 --> 00:27:01.599
very low. Well, thank God for Zapruder. He was

00:27:01.599 --> 00:27:02.859
like the original world star. He was the guy,

00:27:02.980 --> 00:27:05.859
yeah. He was world star. He was out there filming.

00:27:05.859 --> 00:27:07.420
Thank God he had his fucking iPhone. And isn't

00:27:07.420 --> 00:27:09.339
it crazy that we know about this because of Dick

00:27:09.339 --> 00:27:12.099
Gregory? Is that right? Dick Gregory, the comic,

00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:14.539
brought on the Geraldo Rivera show. We know about

00:27:14.539 --> 00:27:16.519
this because of Geraldo and Dick Gregory. I didn't

00:27:16.519 --> 00:27:18.880
know that. Yep, they played it live on TV and

00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:21.359
it's fucking crazy. You gotta imagine, that was

00:27:21.359 --> 00:27:23.640
12 years after the assassination. You know Dick

00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:25.940
Gregory completely stopping a comic to become

00:27:25.940 --> 00:27:28.500
a full -time activist? Yeah, he started that

00:27:28.500 --> 00:27:31.079
trend. Right around here. Right around here.

00:27:31.759 --> 00:27:33.900
He's going through here. He gets hit. That playbook's

00:27:33.900 --> 00:27:36.859
been followed. Right here he gets hit. Boom.

00:27:37.059 --> 00:27:40.380
He's hit. Is he? Yes. Oh, the neck. He's hit.

00:27:40.500 --> 00:27:43.559
Now we know something's going on. The wife does

00:27:43.559 --> 00:27:45.480
nothing. Thank you. I mean, he literally got

00:27:45.480 --> 00:27:48.539
shot in the neck. I mean, he's already probably

00:27:48.539 --> 00:27:51.720
dead. Seems pretty serious. But now watch this

00:27:51.720 --> 00:27:53.420
one. This is a rough one. This is why I'm voting

00:27:53.420 --> 00:27:58.240
for RFK. Oh, he's spewing. Yeah, I mean, his

00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:00.599
head exploded. His head just blew up. Well, I

00:28:00.599 --> 00:28:02.640
missed it. His head exploded. Exploded. And she's

00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:05.460
like, oh, it's over. Now, is this an AI enhancement

00:28:05.460 --> 00:28:07.700
of this, Jamie? It says it's a super slow -mo

00:28:07.700 --> 00:28:08.960
and sharpened version. That's a good agent. Yo,

00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:11.519
how come nobody's thrown this Zapruder film into

00:28:11.519 --> 00:28:15.240
AI to clean this shit up? Yeah. Good point. Bro,

00:28:15.299 --> 00:28:18.500
that is the wildest video. Can we see that again?

00:28:18.680 --> 00:28:20.299
He definitely got hit again. Just the head blow.

00:28:21.350 --> 00:28:23.009
Head blow's tough. You're right. He's probably

00:28:23.009 --> 00:28:24.329
already dead. He got hit through the neck with

00:28:24.329 --> 00:28:26.849
a bullet. He's already dead. He's dead. He just

00:28:26.849 --> 00:28:31.390
hasn't died yet. Wait a minute. Oh! She's lucky

00:28:31.390 --> 00:28:32.869
she didn't get in the way because she was hugging

00:28:32.869 --> 00:28:34.430
him. Jamie, slow that down again. And then she

00:28:34.430 --> 00:28:38.069
freaks the fuck out. Holy shit. Who's that guy

00:28:38.069 --> 00:28:41.430
behind? Who's the guy behind, though? Everybody's

00:28:41.430 --> 00:28:43.529
freaking out. There's gunshots going off. She

00:28:43.529 --> 00:28:46.029
has nothing to do with it. This lady? She had

00:28:46.029 --> 00:28:47.869
something to do with it. Oh, yeah. It's hot.

00:28:47.970 --> 00:28:49.410
She's there with no man. Now, here's what's interesting.

00:28:50.529 --> 00:28:53.490
Here's what's interesting. The spray goes forward,

00:28:53.609 --> 00:28:55.970
but the head goes backwards. Yeah, that makes

00:28:55.970 --> 00:28:57.210
sense, though. The head goes back into the lap,

00:28:57.269 --> 00:28:59.430
but it doesn't really. It does because you open

00:28:59.430 --> 00:29:02.349
up a hole and it sprays out and then you go back.

00:29:02.410 --> 00:29:06.490
Right, but it generally doesn't go that way.

00:29:06.529 --> 00:29:08.150
It goes the other way. What, behind him? The

00:29:08.150 --> 00:29:10.990
bullet goes through and then sprays out the back.

00:29:11.089 --> 00:29:13.900
Did the bullet get out the back? It could be

00:29:13.900 --> 00:29:15.579
more than one person hitting him in the head

00:29:15.579 --> 00:29:17.680
at the same time, too. We're starting off heavy,

00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:20.480
huh? What happened to a hello? You know, you

00:29:20.480 --> 00:29:23.160
have to consider there's probably multiple gunners

00:29:23.160 --> 00:29:25.980
in the grassy knoll. They're not going to take

00:29:25.980 --> 00:29:27.640
a chance. When they're going to assassinate the

00:29:27.640 --> 00:29:29.559
president, they're going to have multiple dudes

00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:34.240
shooting. Yeah. That's brain, bro. That's brain.

00:29:34.380 --> 00:29:38.029
Whoa. They said that she climbed. It's crazy.

00:29:38.130 --> 00:29:40.029
The news report initially said that she climbed

00:29:40.029 --> 00:29:42.230
out to try to retrieve parts of her husband's

00:29:42.230 --> 00:29:45.309
brain. That is just not true. Didn't they say

00:29:45.309 --> 00:29:47.430
she brought it to the hospital? I don't know.

00:29:47.470 --> 00:29:49.609
I heard that. She had it in her pocket. She did

00:29:49.609 --> 00:29:51.029
look like she went and grabbed something and

00:29:51.029 --> 00:29:52.430
then went back in the car. She maybe did grab

00:29:52.430 --> 00:29:54.109
a piece in full shock. Apparently she brought

00:29:54.109 --> 00:29:57.150
it to the hospital. It is a good one. They blew

00:29:57.150 --> 00:29:59.660
that back in. Can you put the, yeah, I don't

00:29:59.660 --> 00:30:00.519
know. Imagine if they could do that and just

00:30:00.519 --> 00:30:02.059
glue your brains back together. They can do it

00:30:02.059 --> 00:30:04.920
with teeth. Like a Justin Robert. Same thing.

00:30:07.059 --> 00:30:10.000
Teeth. Teeth of the brain of the mouth. Such

00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:11.500
a wild scene. Hey, if we're doing this, what

00:30:11.500 --> 00:30:13.779
happened to the Boeing guy? Oh. Oh, the Boeing

00:30:13.779 --> 00:30:15.900
guy realized that he's a piece of shit. Tell

00:30:15.900 --> 00:30:16.680
me what's going on. We talked about this on stage

00:30:16.680 --> 00:30:18.059
the other night. Yeah, we did figure that out.

00:30:18.140 --> 00:30:19.539
Yeah, we talked about it on stage the other night.

00:30:19.579 --> 00:30:21.779
The Boeing guy realized, the guy who committed

00:30:21.779 --> 00:30:23.500
suicide realized that he did a terrible thing.

00:30:23.920 --> 00:30:26.339
by accusing a company of cutting corners, and

00:30:26.339 --> 00:30:28.019
he felt embarrassed. He felt stupid. That he

00:30:28.019 --> 00:30:31.019
shamed this great company that has done so well

00:30:31.019 --> 00:30:32.920
for all of us. How many times have we flown on

00:30:32.920 --> 00:30:34.500
a Boeing plane? And he did the right thing. Boeing

00:30:34.500 --> 00:30:36.299
planes are amazing. They kill themselves. He

00:30:36.299 --> 00:30:38.440
knew it, and he was like, what have I done? So

00:30:38.440 --> 00:30:40.299
he killed himself. But the wheels are falling

00:30:40.299 --> 00:30:42.519
off, doors are coming off, planes are falling

00:30:42.519 --> 00:30:45.660
off. That's allegedly. That's allegedly. Boeing

00:30:45.660 --> 00:30:48.160
whistleblower told friend not to believe suicide

00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:51.160
before he died. Oh, Christ. Oh, Jesus. Hey, if

00:30:51.160 --> 00:30:52.700
somebody says I killed myself, that means I didn't

00:30:52.700 --> 00:30:54.099
kill myself. Anytime you hear that, though, you're

00:30:54.099 --> 00:30:55.500
like, are you about to kill yourself, though?

00:30:55.740 --> 00:30:57.799
What an odd thing to say. Yeah, right? That is

00:30:57.799 --> 00:30:59.819
an odd thing to say. But it's not if you're Julian

00:30:59.819 --> 00:31:02.579
Assange. Yeah. Right? If you really think they're

00:31:02.579 --> 00:31:04.539
going to whack you. That's what, what's his name

00:31:04.539 --> 00:31:07.460
said, too? McAfee. Yeah, a lot of those guys

00:31:07.460 --> 00:31:09.799
are there. Pat McAfee is gone. I'm saying John

00:31:09.799 --> 00:31:12.359
McAfee. McAfee is a wild boy. Pat McAfee is gone.

00:31:12.500 --> 00:31:14.920
Because he guessed the Chiefs? John McAfee was

00:31:14.920 --> 00:31:17.640
one of the only guys that I just had on the phone.

00:31:17.920 --> 00:31:20.079
I didn't even have him live on the podcast. I

00:31:20.079 --> 00:31:21.279
had him on the phone. Because you can't get in.

00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:23.339
We did a podcast with him when he was running

00:31:23.339 --> 00:31:26.279
from the law in his country. Because someone,

00:31:26.460 --> 00:31:29.279
he says they set him up by killing his neighbor.

00:31:29.950 --> 00:31:33.869
But he was also allegedly online showing people

00:31:33.869 --> 00:31:36.650
how to cook meth. That guy's awesome. There was

00:31:36.650 --> 00:31:39.269
an account that was linked to him that was like

00:31:39.269 --> 00:31:42.500
he had a lab. in his backyard. I mean, it's documented.

00:31:42.500 --> 00:31:45.019
This dude had a fucking full -on, he was a genius

00:31:45.019 --> 00:31:48.119
billionaire with a full -on meth lab. He created

00:31:48.119 --> 00:31:51.160
McAfee antiviral software. Hell yeah. He's rich

00:31:51.160 --> 00:31:53.000
as fuck. He had deus ex machina. Where was he?

00:31:53.039 --> 00:31:55.299
In Belize? That was his house. Was he in Belize?

00:31:55.400 --> 00:31:57.299
Jamie, it's a wild story. See if you can find

00:31:57.299 --> 00:31:58.759
the story of his meth lab. He was in Belize.

00:31:58.819 --> 00:32:00.099
This boy was wild. We had him on our podcast.

00:32:00.440 --> 00:32:02.640
Didn't you have people shit through it? Did you

00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:06.849
have him live? On Zoom. Yeah. There he is. That's

00:32:06.849 --> 00:32:09.269
amazing. When was this? What year was this? This

00:32:09.269 --> 00:32:12.089
was during COVID. He's like a John Goodman character.

00:32:12.329 --> 00:32:14.410
He's so crazy, dude. He was so funny on this.

00:32:14.450 --> 00:32:17.930
He's so crazy, but also really was in charge

00:32:17.930 --> 00:32:20.970
of antivirus software. He's a real genius. Yeah,

00:32:20.970 --> 00:32:22.950
and he was on everyone's computer. And what he

00:32:22.950 --> 00:32:26.369
said is that he donated them computers. Here,

00:32:26.430 --> 00:32:28.450
have some computers. And he had malware in at

00:32:28.450 --> 00:32:30.589
the government. So he gave them like 50 laptops.

00:32:30.829 --> 00:32:33.329
And they're like, okay. That's what he says.

00:32:34.329 --> 00:32:36.609
I mean, that's how they do it. I mean, that's

00:32:36.609 --> 00:32:38.410
how I would do it. Yeah. If I was him. That's

00:32:38.410 --> 00:32:41.230
how we did it. We sold like that type of, we

00:32:41.230 --> 00:32:44.609
sold like spy technology to our allies. That's

00:32:44.609 --> 00:32:47.170
why Huawei phones. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you

00:32:47.170 --> 00:32:49.869
can't buy a Huawei phone. Huawei phones are like

00:32:49.869 --> 00:32:51.910
the most sophisticated phones in the world. What

00:32:51.910 --> 00:32:54.089
was that? What was the alien movie? That's how

00:32:54.089 --> 00:32:57.400
they beat them. At the end. He was making various

00:32:57.400 --> 00:33:00.680
types of bath salts. Independence Day. Look what

00:33:00.680 --> 00:33:03.059
he says. I think it's the finest drug ever conceived.

00:33:03.119 --> 00:33:06.559
He wrote of one singling out the indescribable

00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:10.380
hypersexuality of the super perv powder. But

00:33:10.380 --> 00:33:13.819
warning that I had visual and auditory hallucinations

00:33:13.819 --> 00:33:16.220
and the worst paranoia of my life. That guy.

00:33:16.660 --> 00:33:19.400
Beast. That guy had the worst paranoia of his

00:33:19.400 --> 00:33:21.599
life. Well, Hitler liked it. Wow, he's so clean

00:33:21.599 --> 00:33:23.799
cut there. He's so different when Bat and Shane

00:33:23.799 --> 00:33:28.000
got to him. By the time he fell off to me and

00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:31.279
Matt. So when we had a podcast with him, he was

00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:33.519
on the run. Look at that. What a hunk. Look at

00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:38.500
this nerd. He made himself a friend. You know

00:33:38.500 --> 00:33:40.380
what, man? Something I admire about him. It doesn't

00:33:40.380 --> 00:33:42.819
like him. He's like drowning. You're a nerd.

00:33:43.160 --> 00:33:46.450
I kind of admire that. I admire the billionaire

00:33:46.450 --> 00:33:48.329
who goes totally off the rails. He just lived

00:33:48.329 --> 00:33:50.769
only with prostitutes. Hit only prostitutes.

00:33:50.769 --> 00:33:52.890
Is he the one that women shit through a hammock

00:33:52.890 --> 00:33:55.529
onto his chest? Yes. Whoa. Is that true? Yes,

00:33:55.630 --> 00:33:57.329
we asked him about it. All right, now I'm off

00:33:57.329 --> 00:33:59.609
the team. Wait, tell me about the shitting through

00:33:59.609 --> 00:34:01.650
the hammock. Apparently he was having ladies

00:34:01.650 --> 00:34:04.390
shit through a hammock on him. All right. We

00:34:04.390 --> 00:34:07.599
asked him about it. And he was like, do I ask

00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:10.340
you about your sexual proclivities? And we're

00:34:10.340 --> 00:34:12.380
like, yeah, you asked us if we were gay right

00:34:12.380 --> 00:34:16.460
away. He was like, ah. Did he tell you the story?

00:34:16.659 --> 00:34:19.739
He was awesome. No, he was like, if that makes

00:34:19.739 --> 00:34:21.920
you uncomfortable, I've done way more. Matt was

00:34:21.920 --> 00:34:25.099
like, from like higher hammocks. So the splat

00:34:25.099 --> 00:34:30.619
was bigger. It was so good, dude. What a psycho.

00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:32.820
Don't you love the fact that there's a guy like

00:34:32.820 --> 00:34:34.639
that running around? Oh, yeah. I want millions

00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:36.679
of dollars. Unless you're his neighbor. Oh, yeah.

00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:39.199
True. You got to sell your property. Smells like

00:34:39.199 --> 00:34:42.119
shit again. I think they were framing the boy.

00:34:42.769 --> 00:34:44.929
They might have been, or he might have been on

00:34:44.929 --> 00:34:47.309
that fucking hypersexuality. He might have been

00:34:47.309 --> 00:34:49.690
on the drugs he said he was on. And he was heavily

00:34:49.690 --> 00:34:50.969
armed. I don't trust him anymore because he's

00:34:50.969 --> 00:34:52.389
on those drugs. Let's get rid of him. Bro, he's

00:34:52.389 --> 00:34:55.150
a guy doing meth who's heavily armed. Being shit

00:34:55.150 --> 00:34:58.429
on. Yeah. Who cares what happens there? Allegedly.

00:34:58.429 --> 00:35:01.429
He got a bunch of like armed, he just started

00:35:01.429 --> 00:35:04.250
building an army. Yeah, he was off the rails.

00:35:04.309 --> 00:35:07.030
He's having fun. He's one of the bros. He's still

00:35:07.030 --> 00:35:08.989
going, right? Also, he's like, how come this

00:35:08.989 --> 00:35:10.550
guy gets to have an army? I don't even have to

00:35:10.550 --> 00:35:13.869
have an army. He got suicided in. He got Boeinged?

00:35:14.150 --> 00:35:16.449
Yeah, I think so. He got suicided. I think he

00:35:16.449 --> 00:35:18.329
was when he tweeted. He was like, if I die, I

00:35:18.329 --> 00:35:21.769
didn't do it. Meanwhile, he's on a pound of crank.

00:35:22.030 --> 00:35:24.170
Yeah, he might go. He could go at any moment.

00:35:25.449 --> 00:35:27.610
He had one of them fucking Garmin watches on.

00:35:27.610 --> 00:35:30.809
He'd be like, 197 is crazy. A minute after tweeting

00:35:30.809 --> 00:35:32.969
that, he goes, oh, but now we could blame them

00:35:32.969 --> 00:35:35.570
if I did do it. Oh, that's a good idea. Redlined

00:35:35.570 --> 00:35:38.210
his fucking heart. He could have redlined his

00:35:38.210 --> 00:35:40.110
heart. He's 80 years old doing crank. Beast.

00:35:40.210 --> 00:35:43.719
How old was the guy when he died? 89? No, he

00:35:43.719 --> 00:35:46.900
was younger than that. He's in methed up 70s.

00:35:47.179 --> 00:35:50.559
Methed up 70s is like 99. Holy shit, he was 75?

00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:53.940
Yeah. He looked good. He was like 70 when we

00:35:53.940 --> 00:35:57.559
interviewed him. Methed up 70s is like pro -athlete

00:35:57.559 --> 00:36:01.179
knees. Pro -athletes, when they're 35, their

00:36:01.179 --> 00:36:05.280
knees are fucked. Or a fat guy's heart. That's

00:36:05.280 --> 00:36:07.019
a rough one. Fat guys get two seats on the plane.

00:36:07.179 --> 00:36:11.539
Speaking of Boeing. They get a free seat. I'm

00:36:11.539 --> 00:36:15.559
going back to coach. Stretch it out. Stretch

00:36:15.559 --> 00:36:21.239
it out. Yeah, it's a weird one, huh? That guy's

00:36:21.239 --> 00:36:23.239
an interesting fucking character. He would be

00:36:23.239 --> 00:36:27.159
a great movie. Yeah. Yeah. In the movie, have

00:36:27.159 --> 00:36:29.530
him kill his neighbor, too. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah,

00:36:29.590 --> 00:36:32.190
yeah. It's your movie. Let's kill the neighbor.

00:36:32.309 --> 00:36:34.449
And you got to get the hammock. I feel like the

00:36:34.449 --> 00:36:36.590
neighbor probably sucked. Yeah, they didn't just

00:36:36.590 --> 00:36:38.030
kill him because they were awesome because they

00:36:38.030 --> 00:36:39.750
only mowed the glass. Hey, could you keep it

00:36:39.750 --> 00:36:41.010
down? Didn't the neighbor do something to his

00:36:41.010 --> 00:36:42.989
dog, too? That's what I heard. What? Yeah, the

00:36:42.989 --> 00:36:44.389
neighbor did something to his dog. Maybe kill

00:36:44.389 --> 00:36:46.230
one of his dogs. That's over the line. That's

00:36:46.230 --> 00:36:47.530
what I'm saying. You got to go full John Wick.

00:36:47.530 --> 00:36:49.090
It was cool when John Wick did it. Yeah, that's

00:36:49.090 --> 00:36:51.170
how you do it. Exactly. Kill my dog. Imagine

00:36:51.170 --> 00:36:54.929
hurting Carl. Yeah. I would never shoot my neighbor.

00:36:55.210 --> 00:37:00.010
Yeah. What you said. I'm just fucking jacked

00:37:00.010 --> 00:37:01.010
out. They're going to do a meth and be like,

00:37:01.070 --> 00:37:03.190
they killed my dog? Not just meth, but meth.

00:37:03.190 --> 00:37:04.750
That's a good thing I have armed guards. They

00:37:04.750 --> 00:37:07.949
killed my dog. Meth he engineered in a fucking

00:37:07.949 --> 00:37:11.130
lab he built on his property that he documented

00:37:11.130 --> 00:37:14.130
online. He wanted the community to know about

00:37:14.130 --> 00:37:17.179
this meth lab. He wanted them to know about how

00:37:17.179 --> 00:37:21.039
proficient his meth lab was. Fucking really scientifically

00:37:21.039 --> 00:37:24.019
accurate everything. He was measuring everything

00:37:24.019 --> 00:37:27.199
perfectly. Beakers and all this shit. He documented

00:37:27.199 --> 00:37:30.559
it all. It's awesome. Fucking meth lab in Belize.

00:37:31.039 --> 00:37:33.500
You can call it bath salts all day. But what

00:37:33.500 --> 00:37:36.219
it is, that's just engineered meth. That's what

00:37:36.219 --> 00:37:38.360
bath salts was. They took bath salts. What's

00:37:38.360 --> 00:37:40.179
the other meth? Not engineered? It's just different.

00:37:42.679 --> 00:37:44.659
There's different things that you can do to a

00:37:44.659 --> 00:37:46.719
compound, so it's not exactly the same compound.

00:37:46.920 --> 00:37:50.280
He made his own meth. Like 5 -methoxydimethyltryptamine

00:37:50.280 --> 00:37:52.619
was legal for a while because it wasn't technically

00:37:52.619 --> 00:37:55.119
dimethyltryptamine. It's even stronger than...

00:37:55.119 --> 00:37:58.539
So they add an oxygen molecule to it. So this

00:37:58.539 --> 00:38:01.940
is better than meth? If you can engineer meth,

00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:03.940
if you're a super genius who makes fucking software

00:38:03.940 --> 00:38:07.360
that can stop viruses, I bet you can figure out

00:38:07.360 --> 00:38:09.559
how to make some killer meth. And this dude cooked

00:38:09.559 --> 00:38:14.119
up some fine shit, apparently. Damn. Makes you

00:38:14.119 --> 00:38:15.460
want to try it. I'd give it a shot. It does make

00:38:15.460 --> 00:38:17.059
you want to try it. That sounds like the best

00:38:17.059 --> 00:38:19.559
way to get into meth. The thing is, I have a

00:38:19.559 --> 00:38:22.139
feeling you never want to go back to normal.

00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:25.280
It's like flying first class. That was one of

00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:27.840
the things that lady said. The lady in the FTX

00:38:27.840 --> 00:38:32.579
trials, she was talking about how being on amphetamines

00:38:32.579 --> 00:38:35.619
all the time makes you realize how normal, sober

00:38:35.619 --> 00:38:38.960
interaction, how fucking boring they are. And

00:38:38.960 --> 00:38:41.679
she, like, tweeted it. I would take Adderall

00:38:41.679 --> 00:38:45.920
at work. It was great. Woo! I was working, like,

00:38:45.920 --> 00:38:48.539
customers. I was front desk talking to people.

00:38:48.699 --> 00:38:52.199
I was like, hey, that was nice. Swacked. Swacked.

00:38:52.820 --> 00:38:55.719
That's dollar sign whacked. So you got whacked

00:38:55.719 --> 00:38:57.179
for money? Is that what it means? No, he's saying

00:38:57.179 --> 00:38:59.400
this is when he said, like, just in case if I

00:38:59.400 --> 00:39:02.139
suicide myself, I didn't. Okay. We're going to.

00:39:02.139 --> 00:39:04.619
Getting subtle messages from U .S. officials

00:39:04.619 --> 00:39:07.940
saying, in effect, we're coming for you, McAfee.

00:39:08.300 --> 00:39:10.840
You got Epstein. We're going to kill you. We're

00:39:10.840 --> 00:39:13.039
going to kill yourself. That's a good way to

00:39:13.039 --> 00:39:14.460
say it. Yeah, that's an interesting way to say

00:39:14.460 --> 00:39:18.079
it. I got a tattoo today just in case. If I suicide

00:39:18.079 --> 00:39:21.099
myself, I didn't. I was whacked. Check my right

00:39:21.099 --> 00:39:23.079
arm. So what happened to him, though? Was it

00:39:23.079 --> 00:39:25.400
a suicide or was it something else? Was he in

00:39:25.400 --> 00:39:27.599
Spanish prison? He was in prison. He was just

00:39:27.599 --> 00:39:30.639
about to be extradited when he was found supposedly

00:39:30.639 --> 00:39:35.340
hanging. Whoa. His wife claimed that shouldn't

00:39:35.340 --> 00:39:38.079
have happened, but when looked into it, the Spanish

00:39:38.079 --> 00:39:41.659
authorities said suicide. Of course they did.

00:39:41.820 --> 00:39:42.960
Of course. That's what they were paid to say.

00:39:43.309 --> 00:39:45.489
That's what the money says. So you're getting

00:39:45.489 --> 00:39:48.070
a tattoo saying, hey, if it comes out that I'm

00:39:48.070 --> 00:39:50.449
dead, it's because somebody killed me. And instead

00:39:50.449 --> 00:39:54.409
you got an artful schwacht. Yeah. It looks nice.

00:39:54.530 --> 00:39:56.210
You could just do it. Schwacht is nice. Don't

00:39:56.210 --> 00:39:58.789
talk shit. It's kind of nice. Schwacht tattoo,

00:39:59.190 --> 00:40:01.230
bro. You want that schwacht later. Schwacht it

00:40:01.230 --> 00:40:03.849
off. Let's look at this logically. Why would

00:40:03.849 --> 00:40:05.949
the government kill him? That's what I don't

00:40:05.949 --> 00:40:07.269
get. Why don't we have schwacht tattoos? Let

00:40:07.269 --> 00:40:08.329
the guy have fun. He knew too much about it.

00:40:08.469 --> 00:40:10.409
What did he do? All the malware. Did the malware

00:40:10.409 --> 00:40:13.599
to them? Yeah? Come on, man. NSA, Mossad, they

00:40:13.599 --> 00:40:15.599
all got the... So what do you think it is? You

00:40:15.599 --> 00:40:17.599
think he found some stuff out when he was, like,

00:40:17.599 --> 00:40:18.099
looking through the computers? I think he was,

00:40:18.099 --> 00:40:19.840
like, one of the architects of that type of thing.

00:40:19.980 --> 00:40:21.159
I think he probably fucked with them, and then

00:40:21.159 --> 00:40:22.260
they were like, don't fuck with us. Why'd you

00:40:22.260 --> 00:40:23.519
give us malware? Now we're going to fuck with

00:40:23.519 --> 00:40:24.699
you. He's like, I'm going to tell everybody.

00:40:25.000 --> 00:40:26.880
Right. And he's on meth. He's going, I'm going

00:40:26.880 --> 00:40:29.280
to tell everybody. Oh, he's talking shit? We're

00:40:29.280 --> 00:40:32.000
spyware allies. They like to talk on meth. And

00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:34.039
if he really did have all their stuff, that is

00:40:34.039 --> 00:40:36.340
a crime. Like, if he really did install malware

00:40:36.340 --> 00:40:38.719
and get top -secret shit, they'll kill you for

00:40:38.719 --> 00:40:41.199
that. Mm -hmm. They might not even bother taking

00:40:41.199 --> 00:40:43.300
you to court. Soon after joining the Ben MGMT,

00:40:43.420 --> 00:40:46.119
McAfee said he and his team exploited a flaw

00:40:46.119 --> 00:40:48.039
in the Android operating system that allowed

00:40:48.039 --> 00:40:50.260
him to read encrypted messages from WhatsApp.

00:40:50.880 --> 00:40:52.900
Whoa. Oh, he could read messages. Because Modo

00:40:52.900 --> 00:40:56.079
investigated, reported he had sent reporters

00:40:56.079 --> 00:40:59.039
malware -infected phones to make this hack work.

00:40:59.280 --> 00:41:02.719
Whoa. You can't ruin his reputation either. Of

00:41:02.719 --> 00:41:04.760
course the phones had malware on them, he said.

00:41:04.940 --> 00:41:07.440
How that malware got there is the story, which

00:41:07.440 --> 00:41:10.559
we will release after speaking with Google. Good

00:41:10.559 --> 00:41:13.320
for you. It involves a serious flaw in the Android

00:41:13.320 --> 00:41:16.619
architecture. Crazy move. Look at this. It involves

00:41:16.619 --> 00:41:21.360
a serious flaw in the Android architecture. What

00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:23.559
is that flaw? I just wanted to make the MGMT

00:41:23.559 --> 00:41:30.320
joke. MGMT? Go back to that, Jimmy. It says McAfee

00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:33.840
moved MGT to mining of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies.

00:41:34.119 --> 00:41:38.579
Oh, he's a criminal. Yeah, he rules. It was like

00:41:38.579 --> 00:41:41.920
when Suge Knight said he stuck Eazy -E on Kimmel.

00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:45.039
Oh, yeah. He was like, you know, there's lots

00:41:45.039 --> 00:41:46.400
of ways to kill somebody. You might just hire

00:41:46.400 --> 00:41:48.179
someone to stick them with a needle with fucking

00:41:48.179 --> 00:41:49.639
AIDS. You know what I'm talking about? And everyone

00:41:49.639 --> 00:41:52.360
in the audience is like, what the? He did that

00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:54.019
on Jimmy Kimmel? Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel was wearing

00:41:54.019 --> 00:41:56.219
a flak jacket. Bro, how wild is it that Jimmy

00:41:56.219 --> 00:41:58.800
Kimmel had Suge Knight on? It was cool, Kimmel.

00:41:58.880 --> 00:42:00.519
Right? It was back then. You can get canceled

00:42:00.519 --> 00:42:02.239
today for having Chris D 'Elia on your podcast.

00:42:02.519 --> 00:42:07.539
Yeah. I mean, can you fucking imagine? You're

00:42:07.539 --> 00:42:10.380
bringing Suge Knight on? Yeah. The dude hung

00:42:10.380 --> 00:42:14.239
vanilla ice off a balcony. Was it vanilla ice?

00:42:14.420 --> 00:42:16.480
Yeah. He just ran over a guy. By his ankles.

00:42:16.539 --> 00:42:18.480
Ran over a guy and killed him on video. Jeff

00:42:18.480 --> 00:42:23.519
Ross, frightened. Whoa. Terrified. Terrified.

00:42:23.639 --> 00:42:26.360
Oh, this was back then. Yeah. Kimmel had no one

00:42:26.360 --> 00:42:29.039
back then. This was a get. Yeah, he's pretty

00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:32.159
much saying, I fucking suck at EZE with AIDS.

00:42:32.380 --> 00:42:33.860
That's why I progressed so fast. That's a wild

00:42:33.860 --> 00:42:35.940
conversation. Suge Knight looks like Kimmel.

00:42:35.940 --> 00:42:40.300
That's Karl Malone. Oh, my God, he does. He does.

00:42:40.639 --> 00:42:43.719
Oh, my God, he does. You nailed it. Oh, my God,

00:42:43.739 --> 00:42:48.400
he does. Is that Leguizamo? Is it? Yeah. Imagine

00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:51.000
Leguizamo's the first guest before Suge Knight.

00:42:51.519 --> 00:42:54.659
Who gives a fuck about some actor Leguizamo?

00:42:54.659 --> 00:42:57.159
Leguizamo rules. Shut up. He was in Super Mario

00:42:57.159 --> 00:43:01.840
Brothers. Leguizamo was in John Wick, you piece

00:43:01.840 --> 00:43:04.079
of shit. Leguizamo rules, dude. He was Tibble.

00:43:04.079 --> 00:43:06.159
I dare you. I take it back. I named my cat after

00:43:06.159 --> 00:43:08.000
him. I dare you. I lost touch after the second

00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:20.090
one. I named my cat after him. Feet up. And it'll

00:43:20.090 --> 00:43:21.949
shoot you with it. Oh, well, that seems bad.

00:43:22.050 --> 00:43:25.070
That's a slow death. Yeah, yeah. Easy thing,

00:43:25.269 --> 00:43:29.630
you know what I mean? Yeah. Damn! Way to lighten

00:43:29.630 --> 00:43:33.789
the mood. Wow. Wally takes a puff of his cigar

00:43:33.789 --> 00:43:39.469
with his boots up. You got a murderer. I don't

00:43:39.469 --> 00:43:41.570
know why that comes up. Remember those days when

00:43:41.570 --> 00:43:44.530
there was like a number or a color rather? Today's

00:43:44.530 --> 00:43:47.869
yellow. Let's go to the store. It's yellow. Come

00:43:47.869 --> 00:43:49.769
on. Let's go do stand -up. We're going to stay

00:43:49.769 --> 00:43:51.610
home if it's orange. Today's fucking orange.

00:43:51.670 --> 00:43:53.789
I'm not going anywhere. What a great way to make

00:43:53.789 --> 00:43:55.570
everyone stay home on a day they need them to.

00:43:55.789 --> 00:43:57.289
Well, what a great way to test how you can freak

00:43:57.289 --> 00:43:59.690
people out. How quickly we forgot about those

00:43:59.690 --> 00:44:02.010
colors. That was a weird one. The color system

00:44:02.010 --> 00:44:05.889
for terrorism after 9 -11. Oh, yeah. They tried

00:44:05.889 --> 00:44:07.960
it. They tried it, and we were like, come on.

00:44:08.099 --> 00:44:10.480
Did you ever get the email saying, avoid the

00:44:10.480 --> 00:44:12.920
mall on October 21st? No. There's going to be

00:44:12.920 --> 00:44:15.039
an attack on a mall. That's just the Jewish emails.

00:44:16.079 --> 00:44:20.619
You guys got secret emails? That's why you're

00:44:20.619 --> 00:44:23.360
tunneling. How about a little heads up? You never

00:44:23.360 --> 00:44:25.880
got those in the couple years after? There's

00:44:25.880 --> 00:44:28.420
intel on this day in a mall or in this day in

00:44:28.420 --> 00:44:30.159
a fucking airport. I got an Amber Alert today.

00:44:30.480 --> 00:44:33.059
Did you guys get that one? Texas goes wild with

00:44:33.059 --> 00:44:35.559
Amber Alerts. You know what I don't miss about

00:44:35.559 --> 00:44:37.619
it? Really depressing way to start. The forest

00:44:37.619 --> 00:44:42.280
fires. Oh, yeah. The fires were crazy in California.

00:44:42.280 --> 00:44:44.079
You ain't never seen anything like it. They're

00:44:44.079 --> 00:44:46.559
here now. Yeah, bullshit fires. You guys took

00:44:46.559 --> 00:44:49.659
everything. Listen, they're bad, but they're

00:44:49.659 --> 00:44:51.900
not bad like it is in L .A. because it doesn't

00:44:51.900 --> 00:44:54.800
rain there. You know they have those things,

00:44:54.860 --> 00:44:57.099
like the colors for fires? Oh, yeah. With the

00:44:57.099 --> 00:44:59.119
fire warning. It was always red. It was always

00:44:59.119 --> 00:45:01.679
red. It's not red for like three months out of

00:45:01.679 --> 00:45:03.420
the year. Do not smoke a cigarette on Laurel

00:45:03.420 --> 00:45:05.199
Canyon. If you're an asshole. Just like do not.

00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:07.139
These fucking assholes that throw cigarettes

00:45:07.139 --> 00:45:08.659
out the window when they're done with them, these

00:45:08.659 --> 00:45:10.699
littering cocksuckers. You're not even allowed

00:45:10.699 --> 00:45:12.639
to smoke in your car with the windows up on the

00:45:12.639 --> 00:45:14.159
way up Laurel Canyon. You're not? Yeah, when

00:45:14.159 --> 00:45:16.460
it's like dry. They're like, don't. Because it

00:45:16.460 --> 00:45:19.340
just goes up in a blaze. So I was coming home

00:45:19.340 --> 00:45:22.460
one night. I got evacuated three times. when

00:45:22.460 --> 00:45:24.739
I lived in California. Three fucking times. But

00:45:24.739 --> 00:45:26.900
I was coming home one night and the whole side

00:45:26.900 --> 00:45:29.579
of the highway, I was coming home from Fear Factor,

00:45:29.659 --> 00:45:32.179
the whole side of the highway for an hour was

00:45:32.179 --> 00:45:34.260
on fire. For an hour. You sent us pictures from

00:45:34.260 --> 00:45:37.219
your flip phone. It was just like one side of

00:45:37.219 --> 00:45:40.119
the highway fire, one side green. It was madness.

00:45:40.300 --> 00:45:43.699
It was like a scene from the fucking... That's

00:45:43.699 --> 00:45:47.340
what it's like. It was like a scene from a fucking

00:45:47.340 --> 00:45:51.380
Hobbit movie. Where are we even going? Why are

00:45:51.380 --> 00:45:53.539
we driving that way? Lord of the Rings. Apocalyptic.

00:45:54.000 --> 00:45:56.119
Dude, this was not nearly as bad as... This is

00:45:56.119 --> 00:45:58.300
the 405. This is the 405. This is the head of

00:45:58.300 --> 00:46:00.880
Santa Monica. But this is much more contained

00:46:00.880 --> 00:46:04.219
than what I saw. What I saw was an hour of...

00:46:04.780 --> 00:46:07.920
A full hour going like 40 miles an hour. Was

00:46:07.920 --> 00:46:10.500
it hot? 50 miles an hour. Were you hot? No, but

00:46:10.500 --> 00:46:14.980
it was raining ashes like snow. So you were seeing

00:46:14.980 --> 00:46:18.059
ashes fall out of the sky like snow. The whole

00:46:18.059 --> 00:46:20.420
right side of the highway. And, dude, sometimes

00:46:20.420 --> 00:46:24.420
that shit jumps. You get a crosswind. It jumps.

00:46:24.440 --> 00:46:27.079
It hits a car. It gets other cars. There was,

00:46:27.139 --> 00:46:29.400
in Northern California, a whole highway full

00:46:29.400 --> 00:46:32.619
of stopped cars. Everybody died. Yikes. Everybody

00:46:32.619 --> 00:46:35.039
got consumed by fire. Look at this shit, dude.

00:46:35.139 --> 00:46:37.320
What are they doing? Where are you going? These

00:46:37.320 --> 00:46:39.940
people are praying. Donald Trump, please help

00:46:39.940 --> 00:46:42.219
us. Please save us. Jesus Christ. And you don't

00:46:42.219 --> 00:46:43.960
know where the fire is. You're just guessing.

00:46:44.059 --> 00:46:45.119
It's not like fire or Google. You might be going

00:46:45.119 --> 00:46:47.780
right to it. You might be. You don't know. You

00:46:47.780 --> 00:46:49.460
don't know where you're driving. You can't see.

00:46:49.539 --> 00:46:51.480
This is a windy road. This is some poor Uber

00:46:51.480 --> 00:46:53.500
Eats driver. He's like, I'm going to get there.

00:46:53.659 --> 00:46:57.940
Bro, this is so nuts, man. This is so nuts. Oh,

00:46:58.199 --> 00:47:01.219
man. So this is what I don't miss. And I know

00:47:01.219 --> 00:47:03.139
they have fires out here, but, bro, you ain't

00:47:03.139 --> 00:47:07.059
never seen fires like those dry climate, high

00:47:07.059 --> 00:47:09.559
grasses. And the worst is when it rains a lot

00:47:09.559 --> 00:47:11.639
earlier in the year because then you get extra

00:47:11.639 --> 00:47:15.179
grass. And then it always dies off when it stops

00:47:15.179 --> 00:47:18.840
raining. Everything turns brown. But it's natural

00:47:18.840 --> 00:47:21.519
fires, right? Like it's supposed to happen. Somebody

00:47:21.519 --> 00:47:24.889
lit off one behind Pink Dot. Behind my old window,

00:47:25.130 --> 00:47:27.050
you saw it start just there. It's like a straight

00:47:27.050 --> 00:47:30.469
uphill with like, it just gone. Gone. Within

00:47:30.469 --> 00:47:32.090
like 20 minutes, it goes from like a little,

00:47:32.110 --> 00:47:35.190
like one bush on fire. It burns through the houses.

00:47:35.630 --> 00:47:38.670
Yikes. There was one time in LA when we were

00:47:38.670 --> 00:47:41.710
at the store and Above Pink Dot was on fire.

00:47:41.789 --> 00:47:44.789
That was it. Was that it? Yeah. Was I watching

00:47:44.789 --> 00:47:47.230
that with you? But was that the one where we

00:47:47.230 --> 00:47:49.349
were seeing the helicopters fly overhead and

00:47:49.349 --> 00:47:51.010
they were trying to dump water on it? Planes

00:47:51.010 --> 00:47:53.250
were dumping water on it? It was nuts. It was

00:47:53.250 --> 00:47:55.909
like a war was going on right above the sign.

00:47:56.969 --> 00:48:01.010
It went right up that hill. Yeah. I was in Salt

00:48:01.010 --> 00:48:03.489
Lake. I was driving to Stanhope's down in Bisbee.

00:48:03.650 --> 00:48:06.429
It was crazy. I was driving. You could watch

00:48:06.429 --> 00:48:09.179
the helicopters. picking up the water out of

00:48:09.179 --> 00:48:11.960
the lake and flying over the highway and dropping

00:48:11.960 --> 00:48:14.739
it on the mountain that was on fire. Then I got

00:48:14.739 --> 00:48:17.139
to the fucking Grand Canyon and it had just burned.

00:48:17.699 --> 00:48:20.659
For real, like two hours straight, it was just

00:48:20.659 --> 00:48:24.000
the moon. Like there was no vegetation. It was

00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:27.079
just stumps. Everything was black. It was crazy.

00:48:27.480 --> 00:48:30.579
Yikes. It was crazy. Those forest fires are wild.

00:48:30.679 --> 00:48:33.659
That's a wake -up call to how vulnerable we really

00:48:33.659 --> 00:48:35.880
are. That was the one time where people in L

00:48:35.880 --> 00:48:39.519
.A. were cool. Like, everybody was so cool. After

00:48:39.519 --> 00:48:42.400
the fire, they were like, hi. Good to see you.

00:48:42.679 --> 00:48:44.739
Happy to be alive. Dude, you remember in New

00:48:44.739 --> 00:48:47.179
York when fucking Canada caught on fire? Yes.

00:48:47.340 --> 00:48:49.800
That's how crazy those... You know the conspiracy

00:48:49.800 --> 00:48:51.719
theory about that? They popped up pretty quickly.

00:48:51.820 --> 00:48:53.940
So they're just saying, I don't know. Whole Manhattan

00:48:53.940 --> 00:48:56.099
was full of ash and dark smoke. The conspiracy

00:48:56.099 --> 00:48:59.989
is the color of the smoke. The color of the smoke

00:48:59.989 --> 00:49:04.230
was strange, and it coincided with there was

00:49:04.230 --> 00:49:07.630
a shipment that was lost. The shipment that was

00:49:07.630 --> 00:49:11.030
lost somewhere was some kind of chemical, and

00:49:11.030 --> 00:49:14.349
this chemical, it was a toxic chemical, and there

00:49:14.349 --> 00:49:17.789
was a high volume of it, and it was lost. And

00:49:17.789 --> 00:49:19.630
then all of a sudden these fires break out in

00:49:19.630 --> 00:49:23.150
Canada, and this fucking orange smoke is making

00:49:23.150 --> 00:49:26.090
its way across New York. Weird smoke. Like a

00:49:26.090 --> 00:49:28.789
weird color smoke. Now, that could be. I'm a

00:49:28.789 --> 00:49:30.969
moron. That could be the sun, the way it goes

00:49:30.969 --> 00:49:32.610
through the light. It could be the fucking sun.

00:49:32.769 --> 00:49:35.449
But I've never seen orange smoke before. It was

00:49:35.449 --> 00:49:37.530
orange. I was in Montauk. It looked weird. Nor

00:49:37.530 --> 00:49:40.349
has anybody that I know ever seen that kind of

00:49:40.349 --> 00:49:42.150
orange smoke. They told everybody to change every

00:49:42.150 --> 00:49:44.900
filter in your car. Whoa. It was like emails.

00:49:45.079 --> 00:49:47.239
Did anybody do like an analysis of the smoke

00:49:47.239 --> 00:49:49.519
and go, what the fuck is this? No. Is it just

00:49:49.519 --> 00:49:52.639
smoke or did something burn somewhere that was

00:49:52.639 --> 00:49:54.260
toxic? Never done a smoke analysis. I was doing

00:49:54.260 --> 00:49:56.539
shows. I was doing shows. I was doing shows at

00:49:56.539 --> 00:49:58.659
the comedy podcast. You were doing shows in that

00:49:58.659 --> 00:50:00.820
orange smoke? Yeah. Walking around in that shit?

00:50:00.840 --> 00:50:03.480
I didn't know. I woke up late that day. Could

00:50:03.480 --> 00:50:06.860
you tell on the ground? The first day I was like,

00:50:06.880 --> 00:50:09.699
am I fucking this hungover that it's like...

00:50:09.699 --> 00:50:12.179
One day it was cloudy. Everything's hazy. Yeah.

00:50:12.239 --> 00:50:15.260
Right. But did it look orange? Not until like

00:50:15.260 --> 00:50:17.800
day two or three. Day two or three. Yeah, it

00:50:17.800 --> 00:50:18.739
changed every day, right? At first you could

00:50:18.739 --> 00:50:21.199
see it coming. It was crazy. Like at first it

00:50:21.199 --> 00:50:23.960
was just slightly smoggy. You were like... I

00:50:23.960 --> 00:50:25.139
don't know. I remember driving in being like,

00:50:25.179 --> 00:50:28.420
this is fucking weird. Am I dumb? Because no

00:50:28.420 --> 00:50:30.440
one's mentioning anything. And I was like, it's

00:50:30.440 --> 00:50:33.300
fucking weird out, right? And then by the...

00:50:34.539 --> 00:50:36.440
The most, like the height of it, it was fucking

00:50:36.440 --> 00:50:39.059
insane. It was just orange. It was like Ghostbusters.

00:50:39.079 --> 00:50:41.139
It was scary. Come on. That seems weird. It was

00:50:41.139 --> 00:50:43.099
scary. It was weird. Isn't that weird? Look at

00:50:43.099 --> 00:50:46.920
the color. 2 p .m. 2 p .m. Look at that. It's

00:50:46.920 --> 00:50:50.960
like Rachel Dolezal. I'm not a chemist, ladies

00:50:50.960 --> 00:50:54.880
and gentlemen. I don't know anything. about smog

00:50:54.880 --> 00:50:58.019
color, but that seems highly unusual. It's unusual.

00:50:58.179 --> 00:51:00.260
It's super unusual. I'm just going to say that.

00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:04.099
Oh, look at that. There's conspiracy theories

00:51:04.099 --> 00:51:06.280
that are warranted. Toronto didn't get it nearly

00:51:06.280 --> 00:51:09.179
as bad as New York. Well, it's because it was

00:51:09.179 --> 00:51:10.880
coming down towards us. Can you flip through

00:51:10.880 --> 00:51:12.579
these faster? Yeah, why don't you move quick?

00:51:12.739 --> 00:51:15.920
Jesus. How about it? It was only orange in the

00:51:15.920 --> 00:51:17.659
one photo. Only take two of those. It was orange

00:51:17.659 --> 00:51:20.619
for a lot. Neuro gums. Don't take three neuro

00:51:20.619 --> 00:51:24.480
gums. Oh, yeah. You guys can't look. Old eyes.

00:51:25.079 --> 00:51:27.679
Old eyes. How dare you, young Jamie. Jamie, you're

00:51:27.679 --> 00:51:29.539
being so nasty today. You tried that earlier.

00:51:29.639 --> 00:51:31.659
I'm sick of it. You've changed. Why are you so

00:51:31.659 --> 00:51:32.940
hostile today to the boys? Young Ari, could you

00:51:32.940 --> 00:51:34.880
hand me a beer, please? There we go. Sure, Shane.

00:51:35.099 --> 00:51:39.519
Sure. Fit Shane. Hey, I've heard about, there's

00:51:39.519 --> 00:51:41.559
these things, Shane, there's these things called

00:51:41.559 --> 00:51:43.119
Lucy's. You've ever heard of Lucy? Oh, I know

00:51:43.119 --> 00:51:45.500
about Lucy's. That has 12 milligrams. Lucy Breakers?

00:51:46.159 --> 00:51:49.039
They have 12 milligrams. This is six. Oh, you

00:51:49.039 --> 00:51:50.679
don't want that. They have 12. That's too much.

00:51:50.960 --> 00:51:52.719
Don't say that. When you say that, I want two

00:51:52.719 --> 00:51:54.239
in my mouth right now. Is that from Tucker? I

00:51:54.239 --> 00:51:56.480
don't like how you talk. You can't handle 12.

00:51:56.739 --> 00:51:58.079
No, this is from the fucking gas station. You're

00:51:58.079 --> 00:52:00.920
4 '2". 12 milligrams will put you on the move.

00:52:01.920 --> 00:52:04.800
I think it's a weight thing. Yeah, all right.

00:52:05.860 --> 00:52:07.480
I don't think it is. You're a short, round guy.

00:52:07.559 --> 00:52:10.000
You can consume a lot of alcohol. That's true.

00:52:10.179 --> 00:52:13.800
Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, Lucy's good. But no

00:52:13.800 --> 00:52:16.059
one consumes alcohol like tall people. Tall,

00:52:16.159 --> 00:52:18.340
big people like Shane. Big people. My friend

00:52:18.340 --> 00:52:20.019
Justin. I got a friend Justin. Call it. This

00:52:20.019 --> 00:52:22.559
motherfucker can put it down. Yeah. And he makes

00:52:22.559 --> 00:52:24.239
you keep drinking with him. And he's like 350

00:52:24.239 --> 00:52:26.400
pounds. Yeah. He's just this big giant dude.

00:52:26.480 --> 00:52:27.800
He's like, come on, bro. One more. I'm like,

00:52:27.880 --> 00:52:30.320
okay. Lineman. It's always that one more. Next

00:52:30.320 --> 00:52:31.980
thing you know, you're destroyed. Of course.

00:52:31.980 --> 00:52:34.500
But he's got like twice the body of you. Shane's

00:52:34.500 --> 00:52:35.960
the king of that. Comes into like the cellar.

00:52:35.960 --> 00:52:37.139
One more. And never is like, no, I'm not drinking

00:52:37.139 --> 00:52:38.519
today. He's like, come on, one. Come on, one.

00:52:38.539 --> 00:52:41.260
One more. Every 3 a .m. This guy's drinking.

00:52:41.599 --> 00:52:44.219
Get him that one. He's drinking Crown and Cokes,

00:52:44.239 --> 00:52:46.460
though. That's a different animal. That's dangerous.

00:52:46.619 --> 00:52:49.159
That's a different animal. Me and DeRosa went

00:52:49.159 --> 00:52:51.039
out. Makers. Makers and Coke. That'll fuck you

00:52:51.039 --> 00:52:52.699
up. Oh, and the Coke gets right in your bloodstream.

00:52:52.820 --> 00:52:54.199
DeRosa came down to Austin, and we were like,

00:52:54.260 --> 00:52:56.519
we'll go hang out. We'll have two drinks at every

00:52:56.519 --> 00:52:57.840
bar. We were just walking around. I was getting

00:52:57.840 --> 00:52:59.900
two Bud Lights at every bar. Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:52:59.960 --> 00:53:01.639
He's drinking whiskey at every bar. Oh, my God.

00:53:01.960 --> 00:53:05.000
By like the fifth bar, he was like. We were walking

00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:07.400
to a bar, and he was like, oh, shit, man. You're

00:53:07.400 --> 00:53:09.320
not fucked up? I was like, no, I've been drinking.

00:53:09.960 --> 00:53:12.599
I know. That's pretty good. Take an hour. This

00:53:12.599 --> 00:53:14.760
is all whiskey. Nah, you have two drinks every

00:53:14.760 --> 00:53:16.619
time we do this. I'm already on number two. What

00:53:16.619 --> 00:53:19.360
are you on? Three beers? Don't count mine. I'll

00:53:19.360 --> 00:53:22.219
catch you up, brother. I'm autistic. I count.

00:53:22.300 --> 00:53:24.960
That was the Stanhope strategy for years. Stanhope

00:53:24.960 --> 00:53:27.179
was like, I just take a slow drip of alcohol

00:53:27.179 --> 00:53:29.449
through white beer. And I was like, that's genius.

00:53:29.710 --> 00:53:31.250
He's like, yeah, I don't want to get too fucked

00:53:31.250 --> 00:53:34.650
up. It's like, keep the fucked up going. You

00:53:34.650 --> 00:53:37.809
get a good buzz. The best way to keep a good

00:53:37.809 --> 00:53:40.530
buzz is a light beer. Yeah, it's true. Because

00:53:40.530 --> 00:53:42.889
you don't go over the edge. When DeRosa's done

00:53:42.889 --> 00:53:44.690
is when he says, let's do shots. You're like,

00:53:44.769 --> 00:53:46.309
you're fucked up. You're about to leave. You're

00:53:46.309 --> 00:53:49.010
about to leave. But the Coke brings him back

00:53:49.010 --> 00:53:50.769
to life. The Coke brings him back to life. And

00:53:50.769 --> 00:53:53.590
he starts making sandwiches. Yeah, DeRosa brought

00:53:53.590 --> 00:53:55.030
his sandwiches to the club the other night. They're

00:53:55.030 --> 00:53:56.670
great. They are great. Fucking amazing. Very

00:53:56.670 --> 00:53:59.780
good. He gave me a roast beef with prosciutto

00:53:59.780 --> 00:54:03.699
with some kind of peppers in there. I forget

00:54:03.699 --> 00:54:05.400
whose favorite sandwich it was. Maybe his mom's.

00:54:05.699 --> 00:54:08.380
What a fucking fantastic. He's a shockingly likable

00:54:08.380 --> 00:54:11.400
guy. He's the best. I love Joe. He's a great

00:54:11.400 --> 00:54:13.260
guy. Adopted people. Funny motherfucker, too.

00:54:13.300 --> 00:54:15.400
They bring the heat. He's just a good dude, man.

00:54:15.559 --> 00:54:18.099
I was like, dude, open up a place here. We're

00:54:18.099 --> 00:54:20.280
talking about it, so I hope they do. We need

00:54:20.280 --> 00:54:23.719
a real good sub shop. He would come a lot. If

00:54:23.719 --> 00:54:25.900
we get DeRosa. Oh, he'll come by. Oh, he should

00:54:25.900 --> 00:54:28.699
move here. Well, he's coming. He's doing my podcast

00:54:28.699 --> 00:54:30.760
again next month. Oh, he's worthless in New York.

00:54:30.780 --> 00:54:33.260
I love that dude. Is he? Yeah, get him down here.

00:54:33.400 --> 00:54:35.320
He can make a name for himself. Why is he worthless

00:54:35.320 --> 00:54:37.460
in New York? Well, nobody respects him. He's

00:54:37.460 --> 00:54:41.920
ugly. He's adopted. He's adopted! He's burned

00:54:41.920 --> 00:54:45.739
a lot of bridges. Oh, yeah. Listen, this is a

00:54:45.739 --> 00:54:48.320
land of rebuilding. Yeah. That's right. That's

00:54:48.320 --> 00:54:49.820
what they said after they stole it from the Comanche.

00:54:50.260 --> 00:54:52.960
It's a land of rebuilding. But you burned it.

00:54:52.960 --> 00:54:55.539
We gave them a casino. I don't even think they

00:54:55.539 --> 00:54:57.320
have a casino. No, they don't get a casino. They

00:54:57.320 --> 00:54:59.300
don't get shit. They were too fierce. They were

00:54:59.300 --> 00:55:01.639
nasty. They're going to need box cutters if they

00:55:01.639 --> 00:55:03.019
get a casino. They can't trust them. They had

00:55:03.019 --> 00:55:04.619
to put that fire out. You guys should get something

00:55:04.619 --> 00:55:07.500
in Germany, like a water park or something. You

00:55:07.500 --> 00:55:09.840
ever seen this? Is that a Comanche arrowhead?

00:55:09.860 --> 00:55:11.760
That's legit. That's from right here, bro. Is

00:55:11.760 --> 00:55:14.500
there blood of the white man on it? No, that's

00:55:14.500 --> 00:55:16.139
why we got it. It's probably got some deer blood

00:55:16.139 --> 00:55:17.480
on it. Wow, that's cool. That's probably from

00:55:17.480 --> 00:55:19.239
before the white man even showed up and fucked

00:55:19.239 --> 00:55:22.179
everything up. It's so smooth. I have a friend

00:55:22.179 --> 00:55:23.760
who has a ranch out here that apparently was

00:55:23.760 --> 00:55:26.300
where the Comanche lived, and it's just overrun

00:55:26.300 --> 00:55:28.719
with arrowheads. They carve them down? Well,

00:55:28.719 --> 00:55:30.900
they make them. It's called flintknapping. They

00:55:30.900 --> 00:55:33.340
actually put a piece of buckskin over their knee,

00:55:33.460 --> 00:55:36.780
and they hold this, like, slate. Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:55:37.400 --> 00:55:40.360
Don't do that. Bro, that's, like, literally,

00:55:40.579 --> 00:55:43.159
it could be 1 ,000 years old. Like, who fucking

00:55:43.159 --> 00:55:44.960
even knows how old that thing is? That would

00:55:44.960 --> 00:55:47.340
spell on me. It's actually probably about 400

00:55:47.340 --> 00:55:51.519
or 500 years old. Wow. Allegedly, I don't know.

00:55:51.579 --> 00:55:53.800
This is what someone told me, but the thing is

00:55:53.800 --> 00:55:55.800
that like these fucking guys man They've made

00:55:55.800 --> 00:55:58.139
those things by knocking rocks together. There's

00:55:58.139 --> 00:56:00.659
like a very specific way It's called Flint napping

00:56:00.659 --> 00:56:03.360
like you knock it off to make a flake and then

00:56:03.360 --> 00:56:05.139
you have to like knock it against like something

00:56:05.139 --> 00:56:07.860
soft like your leg and they chip away till they

00:56:07.860 --> 00:56:10.199
make that this razor edge to these things Jesus

00:56:10.199 --> 00:56:12.719
like a they want to figure out how to do it and

00:56:13.449 --> 00:56:15.590
These fucking things are all over this guy's

00:56:15.590 --> 00:56:17.789
ranch. He sent me a bunch of them. He sent me

00:56:17.789 --> 00:56:23.050
ones that are marked off by this guy's flint

00:56:23.050 --> 00:56:25.050
knapping. Whoa. See how he does this? They had

00:56:25.050 --> 00:56:26.769
all the time in the world. Heated it up? No.

00:56:26.949 --> 00:56:29.849
No, this guy's a guy that knows how to recreate

00:56:29.849 --> 00:56:32.789
this shit. This guy fucks hard. They get it.

00:56:33.010 --> 00:56:37.170
He does. You can tell this guy fucks hard. Probably

00:56:37.170 --> 00:56:42.539
with one of those butcher's aprons on. With,

00:56:42.579 --> 00:56:45.579
like, a leather butcher apron on. Yeah. These

00:56:45.579 --> 00:56:48.420
people are a problem, though, because some of

00:56:48.420 --> 00:56:49.980
these people are, not this guy, I'm not saying

00:56:49.980 --> 00:56:51.519
this guy, but some of these people are unethical,

00:56:51.599 --> 00:56:52.800
and then they go leave these things. So they

00:56:52.800 --> 00:56:54.780
bury it in the sand. Oh, look what I found. Wow.

00:56:54.780 --> 00:56:57.059
This is appropriation, too. It does look pretty

00:56:57.059 --> 00:56:58.880
real. It looks a lot like that one. You know

00:56:58.880 --> 00:57:01.340
what's okay to appropriate? Indians? White people.

00:57:01.599 --> 00:57:07.019
Ah. Did you see the... That makes sense. There's

00:57:07.019 --> 00:57:11.460
a Boston... It's like Boston Globe. They had

00:57:11.460 --> 00:57:13.500
a photo of St. Patrick's Day and it's a black

00:57:13.500 --> 00:57:15.079
dude dressed like a leprechaun. I'm like, hey.

00:57:15.300 --> 00:57:18.039
Hey. What are we doing here? That's ours. Who

00:57:18.039 --> 00:57:23.139
the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy?

00:57:23.780 --> 00:57:26.099
That's how everyone listens to that accent. But

00:57:26.099 --> 00:57:28.340
it's like, hey, what are we doing here? You're

00:57:28.340 --> 00:57:30.599
just like sticking it in everybody's face. You

00:57:30.599 --> 00:57:33.340
couldn't find an Irish guy in Boston? It's literally

00:57:33.340 --> 00:57:36.280
their holiday? Acting is harder than UFC because

00:57:36.280 --> 00:57:39.079
he's in Roadhouse. That was a quote from Connor.

00:57:39.559 --> 00:57:41.519
Oh, really? Acting is harder than UFC. Listen

00:57:41.519 --> 00:57:45.280
to me. That's not true. That's not true. Because

00:57:45.280 --> 00:57:48.079
he trained UFC his whole life. Okay, act in Roadhouse

00:57:48.079 --> 00:57:50.239
or fight Khabib again. Shut the fuck up. That

00:57:50.239 --> 00:57:52.940
is crazy talk. That's crazy talk. I think he

00:57:52.940 --> 00:57:55.139
probably just meant that he's bad at it. He broke

00:57:55.139 --> 00:57:59.139
his fucking leg in a fight. He broke his leg.

00:57:59.260 --> 00:58:02.179
Like, that's harder. Yes. That's way harder than

00:58:02.179 --> 00:58:04.460
fucking acting. I think he was just making a

00:58:04.460 --> 00:58:07.500
statement, a quote. But a level of if he's good

00:58:07.500 --> 00:58:10.340
at it or not. Listen, the guy's promoting a movie.

00:58:10.539 --> 00:58:12.900
There you go. I think he's making excuses. He's

00:58:12.900 --> 00:58:14.719
a great promoter. Learning how to act completely

00:58:14.719 --> 00:58:19.300
blown out versus doing UFC. He's an amazing promoter.

00:58:19.320 --> 00:58:21.239
He's the best promoter in the history of the

00:58:21.239 --> 00:58:24.559
sport. No one even comes close. There's Conor

00:58:24.559 --> 00:58:27.059
McGregor and everybody else. Can we bring up

00:58:27.059 --> 00:58:30.039
that interview? Him on the red carpet? Blown

00:58:30.039 --> 00:58:32.239
out. Oh, yeah. Out of his fucking mind. There

00:58:32.239 --> 00:58:33.659
you go. Reveals why acting is harder than him.

00:58:33.679 --> 00:58:35.840
That's just a clickbait bullshit headline that

00:58:35.840 --> 00:58:39.699
you fell for, son. Reveals why. Acting is harder.

00:58:40.380 --> 00:58:43.559
Time consumption. Do it, Chan. You can do it.

00:58:43.559 --> 00:58:46.000
Hold on. I can't. I can't. Go ahead. Acting is

00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:49.360
harder. Time, time, time. I got to see him because

00:58:49.360 --> 00:58:51.300
he's on coke for this one. Just saying. Go for

00:58:51.300 --> 00:58:55.139
it. Go for it. Time consumption and it's not

00:58:55.139 --> 00:58:57.800
just acting and fighting. You got it. You got

00:58:57.800 --> 00:58:59.820
it. You got it. You're on it. You're on it. You

00:58:59.820 --> 00:59:02.099
got it. No, you got it, dude. Get fired up. Take

00:59:02.099 --> 00:59:04.699
a deep breath. Come on. This is harder than UFC.

00:59:07.280 --> 00:59:09.340
It's also remembering the line and you have some

00:59:09.340 --> 00:59:13.559
things. You got it. You got it, dude. You got

00:59:13.559 --> 00:59:16.780
it. Let me see him say it so I can. Just give

00:59:16.780 --> 00:59:18.360
me a little bit. We just need a little coke.

00:59:18.440 --> 00:59:21.519
It's just a difficult game and a lot more difficult

00:59:21.519 --> 00:59:24.300
than I give it credit. You sound like Colin Tyrell.

00:59:24.780 --> 00:59:31.639
He's dumb. Who's the lady? Time consumption.

00:59:32.440 --> 00:59:37.260
Time consumption. Action and fighting and stunts.

00:59:37.380 --> 00:59:39.800
It's also memory in the line and you have to

00:59:39.800 --> 00:59:41.820
time things correctly. You're engaging with another

00:59:41.820 --> 00:59:44.789
person. It's just a difficult game. All right,

00:59:44.789 --> 00:59:48.010
I can get it now. Time, time consumption. Time

00:59:48.010 --> 00:59:49.889
consumption. It takes a lot of time. There's

00:59:49.889 --> 00:59:52.869
a lot of sitting around. If you're acting, you're

00:59:52.869 --> 00:59:54.829
going to be on a set 16 hours a day. You're probably

00:59:54.829 --> 00:59:56.889
going to be sitting around for 10, waiting for

00:59:56.889 --> 00:59:58.289
your, especially if you're Connor, you're not

00:59:58.289 --> 00:59:59.989
Jake Lillenhall. You're going to be waiting around

00:59:59.989 --> 01:00:02.599
for your line. Yeah, we don't need you again

01:00:02.599 --> 01:00:04.739
till tomorrow this time. Mike, what was it like

01:00:04.739 --> 01:00:09.099
when you kissed that cowboy? Was that for real?

01:00:09.440 --> 01:00:12.400
Did you really kiss him? Was it CGI? Do a Connor

01:00:12.400 --> 01:00:16.079
accent for me. Torn consumption. What was it

01:00:16.079 --> 01:00:18.380
like when you kissed a cowboy? You fucked him

01:00:18.380 --> 01:00:21.039
so hard he killed himself. I'm not that good

01:00:21.039 --> 01:00:22.699
at it. I don't think that's why he killed himself.

01:00:22.800 --> 01:00:25.340
He OD'd because you fucked his ass. It was just

01:00:25.340 --> 01:00:29.900
shame. But he wasn't into it. It's correct. The

01:00:29.900 --> 01:00:34.070
shame of it. That lost the Oscar to some bullshit.

01:00:34.309 --> 01:00:35.769
That was a great movie. Do you think it should

01:00:35.769 --> 01:00:37.010
have won? That was a good fucking movie. Great

01:00:37.010 --> 01:00:40.989
movie. Ang Lee. The same guy who did the Hulk.

01:00:41.590 --> 01:00:43.829
Yeah. Oh, he did that. What did he lose to? The

01:00:43.829 --> 01:00:45.769
Eric Bana Hulk. That's right. That was a good

01:00:45.769 --> 01:00:47.349
one. That was a good one. That was the first

01:00:47.349 --> 01:00:53.170
CGI Hulk. Eric Bana's a good hunk, dude. Oh,

01:00:53.170 --> 01:00:56.230
yeah. He's a good hunk. He's one of my favorite

01:00:56.230 --> 01:00:57.789
hunks. Underrated hunk. Yeah, he's great. He

01:00:57.789 --> 01:00:59.369
was oiled up, though, bro. What was that one?

01:00:59.610 --> 01:01:02.980
Bronson? No, no, that's Tom Hardy. Oh, that's

01:01:02.980 --> 01:01:05.920
right. Tom Hardy's an elite hunk. But Eric Bana

01:01:05.920 --> 01:01:09.239
did an indie movie early on that was really good.

01:01:09.980 --> 01:01:12.420
Eric Bana? Yeah. Eric Bana's... Oh, that looks

01:01:12.420 --> 01:01:15.019
like... Look at those tits. Look at them tits.

01:01:15.659 --> 01:01:17.860
Damn, he's got some pants. Oh, no, it was about

01:01:17.860 --> 01:01:21.420
the guy, the jail guy. Gregory Beck. Who was

01:01:21.420 --> 01:01:23.500
it about? What was that movie? He was in Gladiator.

01:01:24.579 --> 01:01:26.539
The movie about the guy that was in jail. It

01:01:26.539 --> 01:01:29.409
wasn't Bronson? What was the movie about the

01:01:29.409 --> 01:01:32.929
guy that there's some crazy psychotic guy that

01:01:32.929 --> 01:01:35.469
was like an Australian? Chopper. That's awesome.

01:01:37.489 --> 01:01:41.769
Dude, that's a great movie. That was Bert. I

01:01:41.769 --> 01:01:45.940
thought it was Bronson. It's Chopper. Chopper's

01:01:45.940 --> 01:01:48.840
about this dude. Can you show me the title again?

01:01:48.940 --> 01:01:51.099
It's about this dude who's like this crazy fucking

01:01:51.099 --> 01:01:54.179
criminal. Australia's most notorious criminal,

01:01:54.400 --> 01:01:57.420
Mark Chopper Reed, and his years of crime, interest

01:01:57.420 --> 01:02:00.099
in violence, drugs, and prostitutes. It's a fucking

01:02:00.099 --> 01:02:03.260
crazy movie. And Eric Bana knocks it out of the

01:02:03.260 --> 01:02:06.090
park. He knocks it out of the park in that movie.

01:02:06.269 --> 01:02:08.389
It's a great movie. I feel like he's out sitting

01:02:08.389 --> 01:02:09.969
out. I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, he's

01:02:09.969 --> 01:02:11.349
been chilling. He's just being a hunk, dude.

01:02:11.969 --> 01:02:14.869
Hunk it up. Give me some of this. Oh, we can't

01:02:14.869 --> 01:02:18.150
play it because of fucking YouTube. Listen, YouTube,

01:02:18.230 --> 01:02:21.829
I love you, but come on. Don't get silly. We

01:02:21.829 --> 01:02:24.570
can't play YouTube videos? What? That's a problem.

01:02:24.849 --> 01:02:27.309
Oh, no. It's like our favorite thing. That's

01:02:27.309 --> 01:02:29.130
what we do. We can play them, but then they have

01:02:29.130 --> 01:02:30.909
to all get cut out. What about TikTok? What?

01:02:31.190 --> 01:02:33.369
We play TikTok videos? Bro, it's a problem with

01:02:33.369 --> 01:02:35.730
copyright shit. What about home movies? You got

01:02:35.730 --> 01:02:38.170
some movies? No, but I mean, there's one of those.

01:02:38.570 --> 01:02:41.989
Oh, no. We need to see a little home video. A

01:02:41.989 --> 01:02:45.090
little R .E. in Israel. Where his dreams got

01:02:45.090 --> 01:02:50.250
dashed. Hey, this is all bullshit. Little learned

01:02:50.250 --> 01:02:53.530
Ari. Do you remember the moment when you decided

01:02:53.530 --> 01:02:54.829
that you were going to fall out of religion?

01:02:55.110 --> 01:02:57.070
When I was like, oh, hold on. Fuck, I wasted

01:02:57.070 --> 01:02:59.250
a lot of time. What was the moment? It was 19

01:02:59.250 --> 01:03:01.889
in Israel and Jerusalem. Oh, you were there.

01:03:02.130 --> 01:03:04.190
Was there a thing that happened? Was there a

01:03:04.190 --> 01:03:05.789
thing that happened? Yeah, I was just like, oh,

01:03:05.869 --> 01:03:08.809
I'm done. I don't care about any of this. The

01:03:08.809 --> 01:03:11.090
Iron Dome got bombed. What did you say, Shane?

01:03:11.230 --> 01:03:13.969
I just remembered. I was like, if we can't. Show

01:03:13.969 --> 01:03:15.650
YouTube. We've got to find funny videos, and

01:03:15.650 --> 01:03:17.329
I have a very funny video. I've got to send it

01:03:17.329 --> 01:03:19.750
to JMO. Send it to JMO. God damn it. What can

01:03:19.750 --> 01:03:21.449
we show? It's so annoying. The thing is, if you

01:03:21.449 --> 01:03:24.070
have the volume and they see the image, you get

01:03:24.070 --> 01:03:26.809
hit with a copyright claim. Copyright. Wouldn't

01:03:26.809 --> 01:03:28.710
they want to be on here? It's... Yeah, you've

01:03:28.710 --> 01:03:30.809
got to ask first. Look, we're fucking doing an

01:03:30.809 --> 01:03:33.610
ad for Chopper. Yeah, exactly. That fucking movie

01:03:33.610 --> 01:03:35.730
was awesome, and Eric Bana was awesome. I've

01:03:35.730 --> 01:03:38.300
never even heard of it. There you go. That was

01:03:38.300 --> 01:03:39.920
the big movie that he made it with. Have you

01:03:39.920 --> 01:03:41.719
seen Magic with the guy from Westworld? It's

01:03:41.719 --> 01:03:43.719
real similar to Bronson, though, isn't it? I've

01:03:43.719 --> 01:03:45.880
never seen that one. Isn't Bronson a similar

01:03:45.880 --> 01:03:48.500
situation? He's a crazy criminal guy. That's

01:03:48.500 --> 01:03:50.940
why I got mixed up. But you know what Tom Hardy's

01:03:50.940 --> 01:03:54.880
doing to Jiu -Jitsu? He's a sexy man. I think

01:03:54.880 --> 01:03:57.880
Tom Hardy kissed guys, too. That's Tom Hardy?

01:03:58.019 --> 01:04:00.000
No effing way. He probably got tired of pussy.

01:04:00.239 --> 01:04:01.820
He's so good looking, he probably got tired of

01:04:01.820 --> 01:04:04.539
pussy. Look at him. You know who's in Band of

01:04:04.539 --> 01:04:07.170
Brothers? Was he? He was in Warrior briefly.

01:04:07.530 --> 01:04:08.909
Banner Brothers might have been the best series

01:04:08.909 --> 01:04:11.829
of all time. No one gives it credit. Good series.

01:04:11.889 --> 01:04:13.630
That's crazy. People give it credit. Nah, it's

01:04:13.630 --> 01:04:15.070
never talked about. They talk about The Wire.

01:04:15.309 --> 01:04:16.969
It was a mini -series because it was only one

01:04:16.969 --> 01:04:18.449
season. Well, they keep going. They have Masters

01:04:18.449 --> 01:04:19.949
of Air. They're still doing it. Yeah, look at

01:04:19.949 --> 01:04:22.750
his young ass. Look at his lips. He's got some

01:04:22.750 --> 01:04:25.610
DSLs. Oh, my God. What sweet lips. Go to Tom

01:04:25.610 --> 01:04:28.329
Hardy in Warrior. I'm Hardy. Wait, Tom Hardy?

01:04:28.429 --> 01:04:29.409
I thought we were talking about different guys

01:04:29.409 --> 01:04:30.690
now. I thought we were talking about a different

01:04:30.690 --> 01:04:32.389
guy. That's not who we're talking about. Bro,

01:04:32.389 --> 01:04:35.190
look at him in Warrior. Hachi Machi. Look at

01:04:35.190 --> 01:04:36.349
those traps. I thought we were talking about

01:04:36.349 --> 01:04:38.710
the Hulk. I'd like to shit on him through a hammock.

01:04:38.710 --> 01:04:41.650
Eric Bana. We're talking hot guys. Shut up. Eric

01:04:41.650 --> 01:04:44.309
Bana was Chopper. I got Chopper confused with

01:04:44.309 --> 01:04:47.550
Bronson. Bronson was Tom Harkin. Warrior, bro.

01:04:47.969 --> 01:04:50.489
It's a good time to be a whore. Gyllenhaal jacked

01:04:50.489 --> 01:04:53.030
is nice, too. He's jacked. Gyllenhaal. Well,

01:04:53.110 --> 01:04:55.050
he was great in Southpaw. You ever see Southpaw?

01:04:55.150 --> 01:04:56.909
Yeah, nobody watched that. That's a good movie.

01:04:56.949 --> 01:04:58.409
It was a fun one. I saw it on a plane. You know

01:04:58.409 --> 01:05:01.579
what I like is... Miles Teller in Bleed for this.

01:05:01.599 --> 01:05:03.579
That was a good boxing movie. Oh, yeah, about

01:05:03.579 --> 01:05:06.880
the Italian guy. What's his name? Bro, look at

01:05:06.880 --> 01:05:10.019
that. That's a hot guy, bro. Man, he was plowing

01:05:10.019 --> 01:05:13.460
Witherspoon. He looks like... That guy got in

01:05:13.460 --> 01:05:17.519
fucking serious shape. Look at those abs. That's

01:05:17.519 --> 01:05:19.559
ridiculous. He's hotter than his sister. Nice

01:05:19.559 --> 01:05:22.059
medicine. All right. So this is... I got to tell

01:05:22.059 --> 01:05:23.900
you guys this. Underrated movie. Oh, it's about

01:05:23.900 --> 01:05:25.619
Vinny Pazienza. Yeah, shit rules. That's the

01:05:25.619 --> 01:05:28.219
guy. Yeah. Hold on. I sent Jamie this video.

01:05:30.940 --> 01:05:34.420
My friend Nate Marshall, I told him I wouldn't

01:05:34.420 --> 01:05:37.820
share this. The black. He is black. Yes. You

01:05:37.820 --> 01:05:40.079
call him the black? Jesus Christ. He's the black.

01:05:40.219 --> 01:05:42.940
He's the number one. He's the best black out

01:05:42.940 --> 01:05:49.659
there. Jesus Christ. He's the black supremacist.

01:05:49.679 --> 01:05:52.940
So this is me, Santino, and Big Cat. We're at

01:05:52.940 --> 01:05:56.849
Barstool. We're shooting around. That's Santino,

01:05:56.949 --> 01:06:01.829
that's me, that's Big Cat. Nate said he was like,

01:06:02.530 --> 01:06:04.030
I'm going to wait until everyone's gone to shoot

01:06:04.030 --> 01:06:06.210
the ball because I haven't shot in a while. But

01:06:06.210 --> 01:06:08.389
while we're still out here, he picks one up.

01:06:08.429 --> 01:06:13.989
Wait until you see this fucking shot. Whoa. He's

01:06:13.989 --> 01:06:16.449
not the black anymore. I take it back. Everyone

01:06:16.449 --> 01:06:19.409
was like, wait, what was that? He didn't make

01:06:19.409 --> 01:06:22.460
it to the paint. What the fuck? Let me see that

01:06:22.460 --> 01:06:24.820
again. You got to see the first one. Ted Cruz

01:06:24.820 --> 01:06:27.199
is a better basketball player. That's a dude

01:06:27.199 --> 01:06:29.840
who severely overestimates his ability to throw

01:06:29.840 --> 01:06:32.900
things. He made it to the basket on the floor.

01:06:33.219 --> 01:06:37.039
I've been there. That's a tough feeling. His

01:06:37.039 --> 01:06:41.599
hand's behind his back and hasn't even hit the

01:06:41.599 --> 01:06:44.679
arc yet. Has he ever played? No chance. No chance.

01:06:44.900 --> 01:06:46.699
He's a fisher. Listen, I talk a lot of shit,

01:06:46.739 --> 01:06:48.960
but my 10 -year -old beat me at horse once. Oh.

01:06:50.559 --> 01:06:51.940
Basketball sucks if you can't do it. But you're

01:06:51.940 --> 01:06:53.679
not black. You're not expected anything of you.

01:06:53.719 --> 01:06:56.159
What the fuck was that? What the fuck? Yeah,

01:06:56.239 --> 01:06:58.099
she's 10. Did you guys see Bobby Kelly working

01:06:58.099 --> 01:07:02.159
out? No. He does that? We got videos of Bobby

01:07:02.159 --> 01:07:04.159
Kelly working out. What is Bobby Kelly? Here

01:07:04.159 --> 01:07:06.800
we go. We got videos. John Jones. You ever see

01:07:06.800 --> 01:07:10.619
Mike Tyson throw basketballs? No. Mike Tyson's

01:07:10.619 --> 01:07:13.860
terrible. He's awesome at fucking people up,

01:07:13.880 --> 01:07:17.820
though. Terrible at basketball. So what is John

01:07:17.820 --> 01:07:20.210
doing? He's going to dunk? No, he can't dunk.

01:07:20.409 --> 01:07:21.889
No, it hit him on the head. Yeah, you ever see

01:07:21.889 --> 01:07:23.750
Conor try to throw a football? None of the UFC

01:07:23.750 --> 01:07:25.789
guys can do it. Also, John is not going to hurt

01:07:25.789 --> 01:07:29.250
himself. Yeah. Like going full clip. Full Segura.

01:07:29.250 --> 01:07:31.969
Yeah, full Segura. Blowing his knee out, which

01:07:31.969 --> 01:07:34.730
can fucking happen. Sure. You get a little wacky.

01:07:35.179 --> 01:07:36.280
Get a little wacky with his explosiveness. He's

01:07:36.280 --> 01:07:38.099
not afraid to get a little wacky with his explosiveness,

01:07:38.179 --> 01:07:40.440
though. See, I tore my meniscus in my knee once

01:07:40.440 --> 01:07:42.800
wearing fucking jeans doing a kicking contest

01:07:42.800 --> 01:07:47.239
with Joe Schilling. That's the most wrong sentence

01:07:47.239 --> 01:07:50.420
of all time. I tore my meniscus. It was fucked

01:07:50.420 --> 01:07:53.980
up for like a year after that. You've got to

01:07:53.980 --> 01:07:55.960
see Bobby Kelly working out. You can't just do

01:07:55.960 --> 01:07:58.920
stuff. I know what he's going to look like. Bobby

01:07:58.920 --> 01:08:02.659
Kelly's going to look like a 50 -year -old lesbian.

01:08:03.980 --> 01:08:06.019
He's already there. He's going to look like that.

01:08:06.219 --> 01:08:08.119
Just work now. He's going to look like an old

01:08:08.119 --> 01:08:12.659
woman working out. Why do you want to show this,

01:08:12.679 --> 01:08:14.320
Ari? Santino found security footage. They had

01:08:14.320 --> 01:08:19.539
a private workout. He's going to kill us. Why

01:08:19.539 --> 01:08:22.090
are you fitness shaming your friend? Yeah, I

01:08:22.090 --> 01:08:23.949
just texted it to you. Do we have to watch this?

01:08:24.069 --> 01:08:26.810
Can I see it first to decide? I feel bad. I feel

01:08:26.810 --> 01:08:31.069
bad. We're talking. Can I just say this before

01:08:31.069 --> 01:08:32.729
we keep going? I didn't get a chance to compliment

01:08:32.729 --> 01:08:34.750
him after I just trashed him. I love Bobby. I

01:08:34.750 --> 01:08:36.409
love Bobby. All right. Yeah, we all love Bobby.

01:08:36.449 --> 01:08:37.810
Because I just trashed him and then we kept moving

01:08:37.810 --> 01:08:39.909
him. Bobby's my boy. I want to make sure. He

01:08:39.909 --> 01:08:42.470
just did my pot. He killed it. He's great. He's

01:08:42.470 --> 01:08:44.590
a great human being. I've known Bobby for like

01:08:44.590 --> 01:08:48.010
30 years. Lap man. He's fat again. No, he's not.

01:08:48.090 --> 01:08:51.909
Oh, he's back. No, no. Oh, yeah. Need to go back

01:08:51.909 --> 01:08:55.130
on the lap. Another lap. He's not that fat. Oh,

01:08:55.149 --> 01:08:57.569
he's big, baby. Really? Yeah, I just had him

01:08:57.569 --> 01:09:02.090
on. Oh, that sucks. No, he's normal. He's not

01:09:02.090 --> 01:09:05.270
even close. He's husky. Every time I see him,

01:09:05.289 --> 01:09:06.989
it's still like, oh, I remember the old you.

01:09:07.489 --> 01:09:09.069
So every time it's like, oh. Well, he's nowhere

01:09:09.069 --> 01:09:11.050
near the old him. Well, he's Hot Bobby. What?

01:09:11.149 --> 01:09:13.329
Hot Bobby. No, I remember the fat Bobby. And

01:09:13.329 --> 01:09:14.670
you haven't seen him in like two months. You're

01:09:14.670 --> 01:09:15.670
like, oh, right. Well, I met Bobby when he was

01:09:15.670 --> 01:09:18.109
like 20. Oh, that was Hot Bobby. Yeah, I met

01:09:18.109 --> 01:09:20.449
Hot Bobby. He looked Puerto Rican. Full head

01:09:20.449 --> 01:09:22.970
of hair. Oh, yeah. He was with Alan the Monkeys.

01:09:23.250 --> 01:09:26.270
Alan the Monkeys was like a comedy troupe. And

01:09:26.270 --> 01:09:30.109
Dane Cook was the main guy. Oh, really? He doesn't

01:09:30.109 --> 01:09:33.550
look any fatter. Yes. So this video of him falling

01:09:33.550 --> 01:09:40.430
down. Oh, no. Oh, no. What the fuck? Oh, no,

01:09:40.470 --> 01:09:43.770
man. It's like zero. He's tangled up in a seizure?

01:09:44.029 --> 01:09:46.750
He's like a Mr. Bean sketch. I'm still going

01:09:46.750 --> 01:09:49.170
to try to work out, this idiot. That's what you

01:09:49.170 --> 01:09:52.130
have to do. I'm okay. He's really heavily dressed.

01:09:52.449 --> 01:09:54.329
He's got a beanie on. Yeah, he's got the beanie

01:09:54.329 --> 01:09:58.649
on. Oh, that's bad. Right there. I think I'm...

01:09:58.649 --> 01:10:00.270
Oh, shit. Oh, it's a lot of weight. Oh, fuck.

01:10:00.449 --> 01:10:03.250
It's like Rowan Atkinson. But he had the wherewithal

01:10:03.250 --> 01:10:04.930
to not let go of the weight so it didn't fall

01:10:04.930 --> 01:10:06.630
on his fucking head. It's like Pelosi and the

01:10:06.630 --> 01:10:10.340
drink. He didn't let it go. He's still holding

01:10:10.340 --> 01:10:12.420
it. Yeah, that's what kept him alive. Humping

01:10:12.420 --> 01:10:14.439
that machine, though. That's a fucking five -pound

01:10:14.439 --> 01:10:17.739
weight. No, no, he would have died. That weighs

01:10:17.739 --> 01:10:20.560
25 pounds. Poor guy. What was he doing? That's

01:10:20.560 --> 01:10:23.619
a 25. He was trying to do decline bench press.

01:10:23.819 --> 01:10:25.399
It's a tough move. Why the fuck would he be doing

01:10:25.399 --> 01:10:27.119
decline bench press? Because he's been working

01:10:27.119 --> 01:10:29.399
out. He wants to mix it up. He wants to do some

01:10:29.399 --> 01:10:31.239
of these. He needs some fucking kettlebells in

01:10:31.239 --> 01:10:33.539
his life. A decline? He keeps going. He does

01:10:33.539 --> 01:10:35.380
it in a second. Keep going. He does it. Once

01:10:35.380 --> 01:10:37.739
he gets up, he does it. This keeps you funny,

01:10:37.840 --> 01:10:40.180
though. If he was killing this, he wouldn't be

01:10:40.180 --> 01:10:42.000
as funny. He's still trying to do it. All right,

01:10:42.020 --> 01:10:45.260
those are eight -pound weights. This is my grandmother

01:10:45.260 --> 01:10:47.560
with cancer who does this. Can we zoom in on

01:10:47.560 --> 01:10:50.119
the weight? What are we doing here? Intensify.

01:10:50.359 --> 01:10:53.340
Yeah, enhance. There's two numbers there. Quadrant

01:10:53.340 --> 01:10:57.720
G3, enhance. I think it says 6 .0. 6 .0? You

01:10:57.720 --> 01:10:59.159
guys see, first he goes to the plates, and he

01:10:59.159 --> 01:11:02.520
goes, actually, nah. You know what, dude? Look,

01:11:02.539 --> 01:11:04.380
he's looking at those plates. He goes, we're

01:11:04.380 --> 01:11:06.159
not going to do that. You know what, dude? I'll

01:11:06.159 --> 01:11:08.180
pick up these dens, do a little of this. He's

01:11:08.180 --> 01:11:09.300
so lucky he's in the room. Are you going to show

01:11:09.300 --> 01:11:12.819
it again, you piece of shit? One more time. One

01:11:12.819 --> 01:11:16.279
more time. Thankfully, Bobby's been nice to all

01:11:16.279 --> 01:11:18.779
of us. He needs a trainer. By the way, he's an

01:11:18.779 --> 01:11:20.960
asshole to all of us, so fuck him. He just needs

01:11:20.960 --> 01:11:23.279
a trainer. He's never an asshole to me. Yeah,

01:11:23.340 --> 01:11:25.539
that's different. But I've known him forever.

01:11:26.899 --> 01:11:29.239
I've known him forever. I've known him since

01:11:29.239 --> 01:11:30.720
he was a... He has a problem with all these tall

01:11:30.720 --> 01:11:33.260
guys over five ages. Is that the issue? Yeah.

01:11:33.340 --> 01:11:34.960
Well, he was confident when you knew him. Newer

01:11:34.960 --> 01:11:37.479
than him. Yeah. Yeah. I've known that guy forever.

01:11:37.479 --> 01:11:38.960
First time I met him, he was like, fuck it, I

01:11:38.960 --> 01:11:40.859
don't like your confidence, you asshole. Yeah.

01:11:41.039 --> 01:11:43.520
He's always like, welcome to the comedy scene.

01:11:43.579 --> 01:11:44.699
He's a comedian. Glad to have you. It's out of

01:11:44.699 --> 01:11:46.439
love. You're a piece of shit. He's talking shit.

01:11:46.600 --> 01:11:48.119
But he's always like, you youngsters. I'm like,

01:11:48.159 --> 01:11:51.739
Ari's 51. Yeah. On a good day. I'm older than

01:11:51.739 --> 01:11:55.020
your kid. He's like boss. Yeah, boss. He's like,

01:11:55.079 --> 01:11:57.119
you're a middle. I'm like, I'm doing better than

01:11:57.119 --> 01:11:59.979
you. What is this? Bunch of fucking middles.

01:12:00.079 --> 01:12:03.109
Yeah. Well, some guys you stay a middle forever.

01:12:03.729 --> 01:12:05.550
That's it. That's true. Yeah, that was Boston.

01:12:05.649 --> 01:12:07.810
That's true. In Boston. He's a fucking middle

01:12:07.810 --> 01:12:12.930
act. How's he doing good? He's in an arena. He's

01:12:12.930 --> 01:12:15.329
in an arena, man. Of all the things we just said

01:12:15.329 --> 01:12:17.689
about Bobby that he'll be mad at, me saying he's

01:12:17.689 --> 01:12:21.710
like Voss is going to be the one. Voss is awesome.

01:12:22.210 --> 01:12:24.590
Voss is hilarious. I meant he's like Voss when

01:12:24.590 --> 01:12:26.949
it comes to talking shit. Oh, yeah. And when

01:12:26.949 --> 01:12:29.010
you're new and you show up, Voss will be the

01:12:29.010 --> 01:12:31.029
first guy to be like, look at you, you dumbass.

01:12:31.109 --> 01:12:32.829
What are you doing here? But that's true. And

01:12:32.829 --> 01:12:34.970
it's out of love. It's both of them out of love.

01:12:35.090 --> 01:12:37.149
It's also like seeing if you can hang. Yeah.

01:12:37.189 --> 01:12:39.579
Right. Are you going to get upset? Someone talk

01:12:39.579 --> 01:12:41.840
shit about you? Come on. We're having fun. So

01:12:41.840 --> 01:12:44.960
many people have told me Voss was mean. No. And

01:12:44.960 --> 01:12:46.979
it's like he's the nicest dude possible. Sweet

01:12:46.979 --> 01:12:48.680
guy. Listen, this is one of the best things that

01:12:48.680 --> 01:12:50.779
can ever happen is you bomb and then you hang

01:12:50.779 --> 01:12:52.479
out with your friends. Yeah. And you go, oh,

01:12:52.479 --> 01:12:54.039
my God, I just ate dick. Like, bro, what the

01:12:54.039 --> 01:12:55.420
fuck happened to you up there? And then you're

01:12:55.420 --> 01:12:57.960
laughing. You feel terrible, but at least everybody's

01:12:57.960 --> 01:13:00.000
laughing and you're having a good time and busting

01:13:00.000 --> 01:13:02.460
each other's balls. Bro, I watched 15 people

01:13:02.460 --> 01:13:04.840
walk out. No. Yeah, there's people walking out

01:13:04.840 --> 01:13:05.800
shaking their head. That was funny. That was

01:13:05.800 --> 01:13:09.020
fucking hot death, dude. What happened? Montgomery

01:13:09.020 --> 01:13:11.420
tried to do that to me the other night at the

01:13:11.420 --> 01:13:14.039
Mother's. I got off stage and I was like, you

01:13:14.039 --> 01:13:16.340
know, I always do. This time I meant it because

01:13:16.340 --> 01:13:18.260
I actually did do very bad. I was like, fuck,

01:13:18.319 --> 01:13:20.640
I sucked up there. And he was like, yeah, what

01:13:20.640 --> 01:13:23.619
was that? As soon as he said that, I was like,

01:13:23.659 --> 01:13:25.460
you fucking worry about you, motherfucker. Don't

01:13:25.460 --> 01:13:28.779
worry about me. Are you ready to fight? All right.

01:13:29.560 --> 01:13:31.310
I went in there talking. I said to myself, the

01:13:31.310 --> 01:13:33.170
second somebody else was like, yeah, that sucked,

01:13:33.229 --> 01:13:34.970
I was like, don't ever worry about what I'm doing.

01:13:37.350 --> 01:13:39.390
And he was like, God, I'll never do that again.

01:13:40.189 --> 01:13:43.170
William, you never know. Are we in a play together?

01:13:43.899 --> 01:13:45.399
Like, are we having a real conversation or are

01:13:45.399 --> 01:13:47.039
we going to play? I know, right? How you doing?

01:13:47.180 --> 01:13:50.039
Right? You're like, I don't know, man. I guess

01:13:50.039 --> 01:13:52.539
we're playing along. Yeah, what was that? I got

01:13:52.539 --> 01:13:55.340
a free bear claw from a dumpster. I don't know

01:13:55.340 --> 01:13:59.819
where to go. Okay. I went too hard on him. I

01:13:59.819 --> 01:14:01.979
feel bad about it. Well, he was the best. He

01:14:01.979 --> 01:14:03.920
was the best. He murdered last night on Kill

01:14:03.920 --> 01:14:06.319
Tony. I mean, fucking murdered. Fresh minute.

01:14:06.520 --> 01:14:09.119
Does a fresh minute every week. All right, he's

01:14:09.119 --> 01:14:11.880
got a minute. That style, it's like he could

01:14:11.880 --> 01:14:14.939
write about anything. His style, and if you know

01:14:14.939 --> 01:14:18.060
who he is, he's so ridiculous. It's one of those

01:14:18.060 --> 01:14:20.399
things like Hedberg. When Mitch Hedberg would

01:14:20.399 --> 01:14:23.460
go on after a rapper, they would put him on after

01:14:23.460 --> 01:14:26.399
a comedy rap, and it would be death. But once

01:14:26.399 --> 01:14:28.199
people figured out it was Mitch Hedberg and he

01:14:28.199 --> 01:14:31.079
got appropriate opening acts, then people came

01:14:31.079 --> 01:14:34.720
to see it. They knew it, bro. Like typical down

01:14:34.720 --> 01:14:36.000
-the -line comedy, and they're like, not this

01:14:36.000 --> 01:14:39.000
weirdo. Some guys would play music, and they

01:14:39.000 --> 01:14:41.000
would have funny songs. They'd close with that,

01:14:41.119 --> 01:14:43.529
and then they'd have Hedberg go up. Man, Hedberg

01:14:43.529 --> 01:14:45.850
was great. He'd go on Letterman, and a joke would

01:14:45.850 --> 01:14:47.909
bomb, and you'd go, I'm aware that joke is stupid.

01:14:48.449 --> 01:14:51.050
Which you never saw on Late Night. It was so

01:14:51.050 --> 01:14:54.750
polished. Yeah. My mom loves those applause breaks.

01:14:55.189 --> 01:14:56.869
Mitzi, she gave him two spots once. He was going

01:14:56.869 --> 01:14:58.369
to be in town. She gave him two spots, and then

01:14:58.369 --> 01:15:00.670
somebody called in, whoever, and she was like,

01:15:00.729 --> 01:15:02.850
oh, cancel that new guy. And I was working the

01:15:02.850 --> 01:15:07.239
phones like, comedy hero? You want me to cancel

01:15:07.239 --> 01:15:09.960
him? And they're like, yeah, call that Hedberg

01:15:09.960 --> 01:15:12.359
guy and tell him he's got one less spot. Whoa.

01:15:13.000 --> 01:15:16.220
Hey, I'm sorry. I know we had two spots for you.

01:15:16.680 --> 01:15:20.060
So Tuesday's out. Fucking Jeremy Dingle called

01:15:20.060 --> 01:15:23.020
in. For who? Somebody that she liked at the time.

01:15:23.039 --> 01:15:25.140
Whoever it was. I don't know. It didn't matter.

01:15:25.239 --> 01:15:26.380
It was like, the fucking headband's going to

01:15:26.380 --> 01:15:28.439
do a spot! Let me do a spot! Was her finger that

01:15:28.439 --> 01:15:31.640
far off the pulse? Yeah. Very far. Yeah, by the

01:15:31.640 --> 01:15:34.380
night. She hit Louie, she hit Seinfeld at the

01:15:34.380 --> 01:15:36.300
time. No, it wasn't just that. She didn't know

01:15:36.300 --> 01:15:38.020
about anything that was going on outside the

01:15:38.020 --> 01:15:40.119
store, nor did she give a fuck. But she seemed

01:15:40.119 --> 01:15:42.920
kind of like a gimmick. She seemed like a gimmick?

01:15:43.039 --> 01:15:44.600
She seemed to like a gimmick. She would have

01:15:44.600 --> 01:15:46.939
liked him then. Yeah, she had some wacky ideas

01:15:46.939 --> 01:15:49.579
about selling sitcoms, and she wanted comics.

01:15:49.840 --> 01:15:52.800
But that was what was going on back in the day.

01:15:53.020 --> 01:15:54.859
So you've got to imagine, that's why the Comedy

01:15:54.859 --> 01:15:57.180
Store has podcasts now. Why? Because we all started

01:15:57.180 --> 01:15:59.720
podcasts. The podcasts got huge. So back in the

01:15:59.720 --> 01:16:01.819
day, the Comedy Store was seeing all these comics

01:16:01.819 --> 01:16:05.659
developing and getting sitcoms, all the way from

01:16:05.659 --> 01:16:08.619
Chico and the Man with Freddie Prinze. He was

01:16:08.619 --> 01:16:11.750
the first comic to get a fucking sitcom. And

01:16:11.750 --> 01:16:13.989
then Sanford and Son was that along that time

01:16:13.989 --> 01:16:16.170
with Red Fox. And then it was, of course, Roseanne

01:16:16.170 --> 01:16:19.010
and Tim Allen and Seinfeld and Brett Butler.

01:16:19.109 --> 01:16:21.550
So that was the formula. Everybody wanted to

01:16:21.550 --> 01:16:24.630
get a fucking sitcom. So Mincy had these ideas

01:16:24.630 --> 01:16:28.189
of developing sitcoms. So she created these characters.

01:16:28.529 --> 01:16:31.569
You should be this guy. Right. She named Mincy.

01:16:31.590 --> 01:16:34.229
She named him. What do you mean named him? Named

01:16:34.229 --> 01:16:36.670
him. That's not his name. She told him that.

01:16:37.210 --> 01:16:41.930
She called himself. Wow. She was right. Yeah,

01:16:41.949 --> 01:16:43.710
she was right. But it was not just that. It was

01:16:43.710 --> 01:16:45.770
a bunch of different things. She wanted people

01:16:45.770 --> 01:16:50.510
to do things. There's not as bad as some comedy

01:16:50.510 --> 01:16:52.569
club owners had terrible fucking suggestions.

01:16:52.970 --> 01:16:55.029
What are you doing over there, Ari? Ari's playing

01:16:55.029 --> 01:16:56.729
grab. I was just trying to kiss me or something.

01:16:58.460 --> 01:17:00.659
Kiss. My buddy opened for Gallagher, and he was

01:17:00.659 --> 01:17:03.279
Joe List. And Gallagher was like, you're tall.

01:17:03.880 --> 01:17:06.000
You should do a whole basketball thing. You should

01:17:06.000 --> 01:17:08.500
come on stage with a basketball and then dunk

01:17:08.500 --> 01:17:10.939
it and then do your act. And List was like, I'm

01:17:10.939 --> 01:17:12.260
not going to do that. There's so many times.

01:17:12.600 --> 01:17:17.739
Kid Rock will hit you with advice. He was hitting

01:17:17.739 --> 01:17:21.060
me. He was like, you dress like shit up there.

01:17:21.680 --> 01:17:24.359
You should be wearing a suit and a bow tie like

01:17:24.359 --> 01:17:27.359
Sinatra, like those guys used. You could really

01:17:27.359 --> 01:17:31.000
separate yourself. Yeah, I like it. I'm thinking

01:17:31.000 --> 01:17:33.079
he's right. I'll never do that. I'm thinking

01:17:33.079 --> 01:17:34.739
he's right. I'm thinking you with a bow tie.

01:17:34.819 --> 01:17:37.300
He was the first to FaceTime me after SNL to

01:17:37.300 --> 01:17:39.560
be like, dude, he FaceTimed me and was like,

01:17:39.720 --> 01:17:42.720
how do you think you did? I hate that question.

01:17:42.720 --> 01:17:44.600
And I was like, are you calling me to tell me

01:17:44.600 --> 01:17:47.819
I fucking bombed you, dickhead? I fucking hung

01:17:47.819 --> 01:17:51.350
up on him. Yeah, good. How do you think you did?

01:17:51.569 --> 01:17:53.489
He was fucking with me. He's funny, but... How

01:17:53.489 --> 01:17:55.430
do you think you did? He wanted me to own the

01:17:55.430 --> 01:17:57.270
libs, dude. Yeah, you should get a bow tie, though.

01:17:57.310 --> 01:17:59.390
He was right about that. He was like, that was

01:17:59.390 --> 01:18:01.109
pussy shit. He was like, you should have went

01:18:01.109 --> 01:18:03.390
all day. He said retarded. He said gay. No, no,

01:18:03.430 --> 01:18:06.529
I know, but for him, that's... He saw my stand

01:18:06.529 --> 01:18:08.170
-up show and was like, you're not going hard

01:18:08.170 --> 01:18:10.770
enough. Oh, wow. You need to say, like, the N

01:18:10.770 --> 01:18:14.810
-word. I don't know. That wasn't his actual note,

01:18:14.890 --> 01:18:19.000
for the record. Sure. All right. He'll get rowdy,

01:18:19.000 --> 01:18:21.260
though. We haven't done this since you did SNL.

01:18:21.859 --> 01:18:24.359
Oh, yeah. We did. We don't need to. Actually,

01:18:24.760 --> 01:18:26.760
I don't think we did. I don't think we did. No,

01:18:26.859 --> 01:18:29.840
that was before. Oh. Any nuggets behind the scenes

01:18:29.840 --> 01:18:33.720
that no one knows? You know, Green Room and podcasts

01:18:33.720 --> 01:18:36.720
spill over so much. I don't know. It was so weird.

01:18:36.760 --> 01:18:38.560
It's such a fucking corporate thing. You got

01:18:38.560 --> 01:18:41.000
in there finally. I liked it. What a completion

01:18:41.000 --> 01:18:43.600
of a storyline. Yeah, it was fun. I know, but

01:18:43.600 --> 01:18:46.000
it seems like a fun night. It is a fun night.

01:18:46.100 --> 01:18:47.500
Just to do the sketches and fuck around at the

01:18:47.500 --> 01:18:49.460
party. My family was there. The party kind of

01:18:49.460 --> 01:18:51.359
sucks when you're the... I've been to the party

01:18:51.359 --> 01:18:53.340
a bunch of times and it's great. Yeah. Sometimes.

01:18:53.520 --> 01:18:55.260
It sucked even knowing the guy. We're like, hey,

01:18:55.319 --> 01:18:57.300
we're going to... Say goodbye to another fucking

01:18:57.300 --> 01:18:59.779
person so we can go drink. The whole time I just

01:18:59.779 --> 01:19:02.220
had to say hello, thank you, goodbye to every

01:19:02.220 --> 01:19:04.800
single person that was there. It was like a wedding.

01:19:05.119 --> 01:19:07.319
It was exactly like a wedding. Did it feel like

01:19:07.319 --> 01:19:09.819
a rite of passage? What did it feel like for

01:19:09.819 --> 01:19:12.869
you? It's a cool win. It's a cool closing on

01:19:12.869 --> 01:19:15.229
the story. I think it's nice for that. I mean,

01:19:15.229 --> 01:19:16.829
obviously, it just brought the story back up

01:19:16.829 --> 01:19:20.829
again. But you were defended quite a bit. But

01:19:20.829 --> 01:19:23.329
it was also, it's like, honestly, this was like

01:19:23.329 --> 01:19:25.529
them saying sorry. Yeah, exactly. That's cool.

01:19:25.670 --> 01:19:27.930
That's what it was. Admission of guilt. It was

01:19:27.930 --> 01:19:30.649
the closest they can come to an admission of

01:19:30.649 --> 01:19:32.750
guilt. Yes. Which is what it was. Here's the

01:19:32.750 --> 01:19:35.050
thing. We had to do that. We had to. Here's the

01:19:35.050 --> 01:19:38.500
thing. It's an acknowledgement of talent. It's

01:19:38.500 --> 01:19:40.659
like recognizing, hey, this guy might be one

01:19:40.659 --> 01:19:42.739
of the biggest comics ever. and it's happening

01:19:42.739 --> 01:19:44.600
right now, and we should probably get back on

01:19:44.600 --> 01:19:46.539
board. Yeah, exactly. Dude, before it's too late.

01:19:46.600 --> 01:19:49.359
Don't go 20 years. I also took it. I agree, but

01:19:49.359 --> 01:19:51.420
it's annoying with the cancel shit, because they

01:19:51.420 --> 01:19:53.359
go, he's doing great. What are you talking about?

01:19:53.439 --> 01:19:55.479
You're like, well, he's also a good comic who

01:19:55.479 --> 01:19:57.479
worked his way up and has a sketch show and all

01:19:57.479 --> 01:19:59.819
this other shit and sells a ton of tickets. So

01:19:59.819 --> 01:20:01.920
they have to acknowledge it. Yeah, but that's

01:20:01.920 --> 01:20:03.739
the thing. Isn't that always the goal, just to

01:20:03.739 --> 01:20:05.939
become undeniable? Sure. Yeah, but if you were

01:20:05.939 --> 01:20:07.960
doing that well and not doing well nationally,

01:20:08.399 --> 01:20:09.840
they wouldn't be like, no. He still deserves

01:20:09.840 --> 01:20:11.970
an apology if he wasn't doing as well. Exactly,

01:20:12.050 --> 01:20:14.489
exactly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

01:20:14.489 --> 01:20:15.689
No, if I suck, they were right. Listen, listen,

01:20:15.949 --> 01:20:18.109
listen, listen. I'm not saying you suck, but

01:20:18.109 --> 01:20:23.329
I'm saying if you're not huge, you still got

01:20:23.329 --> 01:20:26.029
fucked. It's better for everybody if they don't

01:20:26.029 --> 01:20:28.369
say the words. It's better for everybody. Everybody

01:20:28.369 --> 01:20:30.789
knows the truth, but it's better for everybody

01:20:30.789 --> 01:20:32.430
if they don't say the words. Okay, this guy rules.

01:20:32.649 --> 01:20:34.470
Let's have him back. Because it also keeps them

01:20:34.470 --> 01:20:37.170
silly. They stay silly. What do you mean silly?

01:20:37.350 --> 01:20:40.449
You stay silly. You stay ridiculous. You stay

01:20:40.449 --> 01:20:43.409
like you've made ridiculous decisions. Oh, I

01:20:43.409 --> 01:20:45.170
see. And you've got kind of a ridiculous enterprise.

01:20:45.689 --> 01:20:48.109
You stay ridiculous. You stay ridiculous enterprise.

01:20:48.470 --> 01:20:51.529
Yeah, that's what it is. The worst starship ever.

01:20:51.609 --> 01:20:54.609
You've got this thing. You're trying to be the

01:20:54.609 --> 01:20:57.529
fastest runner and you're wearing 150 pounds

01:20:57.529 --> 01:20:59.550
on your back. And you had a fast runner and you

01:20:59.550 --> 01:21:01.630
dropped him. Yeah. It's like stay ridiculous.

01:21:01.729 --> 01:21:04.930
Don't apologize. Stay on the course. It's better

01:21:04.930 --> 01:21:06.779
for Gillian Key. a song around a piano oh no

01:21:06.779 --> 01:21:09.659
I agree I just get annoyed yeah look I thought

01:21:09.659 --> 01:21:11.840
it was a nice I thought it was nice yeah I think

01:21:11.840 --> 01:21:13.439
it's good like if we're gonna talk about all

01:21:13.439 --> 01:21:15.979
the like culture shit I think it's cool they

01:21:15.979 --> 01:21:19.409
brought me back and it's cool I said yes I think

01:21:19.409 --> 01:21:21.890
it's a nice moment for everybody. Because you

01:21:21.890 --> 01:21:25.029
don't want to be a guy that's like, fuck everybody

01:21:25.029 --> 01:21:27.649
that said fuck me. Yeah, exactly. I don't want

01:21:27.649 --> 01:21:29.329
to do that. It's like, can we just stop? And

01:21:29.329 --> 01:21:31.470
that's what they offered the fucking olive branch.

01:21:31.590 --> 01:21:33.350
They were the ones who were like. They should.

01:21:33.489 --> 01:21:35.289
It's great. And they should. They did the right

01:21:35.289 --> 01:21:36.649
thing. They did the right thing. Because most

01:21:36.649 --> 01:21:38.430
people would just be like, that person forever

01:21:38.430 --> 01:21:40.829
that I hated once. And you're like. No, they

01:21:40.829 --> 01:21:42.810
did the cool thing. Everybody there was cool.

01:21:42.810 --> 01:21:45.789
They see where the tide is going. It's just you.

01:21:46.300 --> 01:21:48.579
Steer into the weight. And also, they got caught

01:21:48.579 --> 01:21:50.359
up in it. They got caught up in it. Everybody

01:21:50.359 --> 01:21:52.260
did. Everybody did. They got caught up in it,

01:21:52.300 --> 01:21:54.479
and so I don't have any problem with that. Don't

01:21:54.479 --> 01:21:56.699
you think that shit is just less effective now?

01:21:57.659 --> 01:22:00.000
100%. I know. TMZ tried to do a whole thing on

01:22:00.000 --> 01:22:01.960
him. That was wonderful. I read every single

01:22:01.960 --> 01:22:05.119
tweet about it because I'm a psycho, and it was

01:22:05.119 --> 01:22:07.739
like, I like him even more now. Bigger fan. That's

01:22:07.739 --> 01:22:10.460
hilarious. Thanks for this. This is a great clip.

01:22:10.520 --> 01:22:12.060
TMZ knew what they were doing. There was another

01:22:12.060 --> 01:22:15.399
one, too, with an Asian comic. How do you feel

01:22:15.399 --> 01:22:16.859
about this? TMZ didn't care at all. It's just

01:22:16.859 --> 01:22:18.420
promotion. They got fucking... What's his name?

01:22:18.520 --> 01:22:22.899
They got... Corky. Corky? No. Corky from Life

01:22:22.899 --> 01:22:24.699
Goes On? Yeah, they interviewed him about my...

01:22:24.699 --> 01:22:28.819
TMZ got him. That's a... No way. He's not alive?

01:22:29.100 --> 01:22:31.310
Corky was like... That was fine, dude. We're

01:22:31.310 --> 01:22:33.189
human. We're allowed to be made fun of. It was

01:22:33.189 --> 01:22:34.829
like, hell yeah, Corky. That's going to be a

01:22:34.829 --> 01:22:36.630
sketch. Get Corky on. Corky from Life Goes On

01:22:36.630 --> 01:22:39.149
is still around. I'm saying Corky is going strong.

01:22:39.149 --> 01:22:41.689
He's chugging along. He's a go -getter, that

01:22:41.689 --> 01:22:44.430
kid. Yeah, right, Corky. Big -headed weirdo.

01:22:45.949 --> 01:22:48.170
He had his own show. That's right. Corky's a

01:22:48.170 --> 01:22:51.829
beast, dude. Yeah. That show was the wildest

01:22:51.829 --> 01:22:54.189
thing. They put a guy with Down syndrome at the

01:22:54.189 --> 01:22:56.970
star of a show. Oh, yeah. Quite a noggin. He's

01:22:56.970 --> 01:23:01.020
not a – he's – Very high functioning. He's still

01:23:01.020 --> 01:23:02.640
the reference. That's how powerful a role is.

01:23:02.760 --> 01:23:05.739
He's still the reference to reference. He's,

01:23:05.840 --> 01:23:08.260
yeah. Of like Down syndrome. I don't want to

01:23:08.260 --> 01:23:10.220
get going. Well, Billy Elliot's in there. Don't

01:23:10.220 --> 01:23:11.539
get going. I don't want to get going on it. Don't

01:23:11.539 --> 01:23:14.659
get going. If he's faking. No, no, no. I'm saying,

01:23:14.760 --> 01:23:15.840
I'm saying. You're saying on the record he's

01:23:15.840 --> 01:23:17.979
faking. There's a thing with, whatever. People

01:23:17.979 --> 01:23:20.020
with Down syndrome can have higher, significantly,

01:23:20.300 --> 01:23:23.159
they have regular IQs. A lot of the time. And

01:23:23.159 --> 01:23:27.739
huge dicks. But you know the, you know the Louie.

01:23:28.640 --> 01:23:30.520
mantra or whatever is like they burn your house

01:23:30.520 --> 01:23:32.979
down you build a couple twigs and leaves with

01:23:32.979 --> 01:23:35.560
a house and they go he's got a house yeah yeah

01:23:35.560 --> 01:23:37.920
you're like well i had a mansion and now i'm

01:23:37.920 --> 01:23:41.300
living in a twig hut all right they're not happy

01:23:41.300 --> 01:23:43.260
unless that's my point i hear yeah but what do

01:23:43.260 --> 01:23:45.399
you choose to focus on it's great he did snl

01:23:45.399 --> 01:23:48.100
no there's no no no the truth that is true though

01:23:48.100 --> 01:23:50.760
it was a That was like a thing that I was worried

01:23:50.760 --> 01:23:52.960
about was I was like, I should say something

01:23:52.960 --> 01:23:55.319
in the monologue. No, I'm not saying that. No,

01:23:55.380 --> 01:23:57.859
but the idea is that because I'm hosting, they're

01:23:57.859 --> 01:24:00.039
going to go, see? Right. We didn't do anything

01:24:00.039 --> 01:24:01.800
wrong. No, you did the right thing. Right. We

01:24:01.800 --> 01:24:03.100
didn't do anything wrong. Look, he's doing fine.

01:24:03.100 --> 01:24:04.539
But that was funny. Don't look that up, please.

01:24:05.020 --> 01:24:05.979
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was funny. I was like,

01:24:06.079 --> 01:24:07.739
we got to make it quick. Great way to address

01:24:07.739 --> 01:24:09.859
it in a sentence. It was perfect. It was a perfect

01:24:09.859 --> 01:24:11.260
way to handle it. You used to have a great joke

01:24:11.260 --> 01:24:16.090
at that New Jersey room. Boat. being like a waitress

01:24:16.090 --> 01:24:19.710
because where do I know you oh dude at a time

01:24:19.710 --> 01:24:21.090
because you were like the topic of conversation

01:24:21.090 --> 01:24:23.750
every single time someone would be like I'd see

01:24:23.750 --> 01:24:26.170
like for real it would always be like an Asian

01:24:26.170 --> 01:24:29.050
woman would come up to me and be like you were

01:24:29.050 --> 01:24:31.050
really funny what was your name can I look you

01:24:31.050 --> 01:24:34.430
up and I'd be like please don't literally if

01:24:34.430 --> 01:24:36.489
you looked me up the first thing would be like

01:24:36.489 --> 01:24:41.069
hates Asians damn the headline oh man that's

01:24:41.069 --> 01:24:46.420
not true at all yeah I get to watch them go You

01:24:46.420 --> 01:24:47.859
said there was a way. She was like, hey, that

01:24:47.859 --> 01:24:49.399
was so funny. Where do I know you from? You're

01:24:49.399 --> 01:24:51.779
like, I've been here before. She goes, no. Yeah,

01:24:51.800 --> 01:24:53.319
yeah, yeah. I was trying so hard. I was like,

01:24:53.340 --> 01:24:55.399
I've been somewhere. I think I've been here.

01:24:55.439 --> 01:24:59.220
We probably hung out. Well, Yang likes you. Yang's

01:24:59.220 --> 01:25:02.399
the bro. I love Yang. Ron Yang's a good guy.

01:25:02.619 --> 01:25:04.380
Ron Yang, David Taylor's old friend. Yin Yang

01:25:04.380 --> 01:25:06.520
twins. Whatever. We don't need to discuss this.

01:25:07.720 --> 01:25:10.939
What else is going on? Congratulations. What's

01:25:10.939 --> 01:25:13.279
going on? You're always getting yelled at. What

01:25:13.279 --> 01:25:14.779
did you do this time? You must be in trouble.

01:25:14.840 --> 01:25:16.560
It's been a week. No, I think it's been 10 minutes.

01:25:16.920 --> 01:25:19.840
It's been 10 minutes. I find if you stay offline.

01:25:20.680 --> 01:25:22.560
That's the key. If you don't see it, it doesn't

01:25:22.560 --> 01:25:23.539
exist. Wait, do you have a new one? I don't even

01:25:23.539 --> 01:25:25.020
know about this one. No, nothing at all. No,

01:25:25.039 --> 01:25:27.079
I just got there. I've just reached not online.

01:25:27.380 --> 01:25:29.619
Yeah. You're not online? I'm not online. Good

01:25:29.619 --> 01:25:32.460
for you. SNL knocked me out of it. This special,

01:25:32.640 --> 01:25:34.659
when I put out my Netflix special, I deleted

01:25:34.659 --> 01:25:38.239
Twitter. Twitter's evil. And then I deleted Reddit

01:25:38.239 --> 01:25:39.739
because I was reading those comments. Reddit's

01:25:39.739 --> 01:25:41.239
really evil. Every once in a while I'll slip

01:25:41.239 --> 01:25:44.039
back into that. You have the app? Since SNL I've

01:25:44.039 --> 01:25:47.119
been way off because I know. You don't want to.

01:25:47.119 --> 01:25:48.600
I try to tell everybody. A lot of people are

01:25:48.600 --> 01:25:50.859
saying I suck. For sure. Listen, there's going

01:25:50.859 --> 01:25:52.220
to be a bunch of people that think everything

01:25:52.220 --> 01:25:54.539
sucks. You're dealing with giant numbers. When

01:25:54.539 --> 01:25:56.560
you're dealing with giant numbers, each individual

01:25:56.560 --> 01:25:59.239
seems significant. Even if they're fucking morons

01:25:59.239 --> 01:26:01.000
you never want to talk to. Beethoven's Symphony

01:26:01.000 --> 01:26:03.859
has bad. Comments. I bet it does. On YouTube.

01:26:04.039 --> 01:26:05.560
I bet it does. Telling you right now. We should

01:26:05.560 --> 01:26:07.159
wait until he's 10. That's very funny. It does.

01:26:07.539 --> 01:26:10.699
That's really funny. Shit was whack. Yeah. Boring.

01:26:11.319 --> 01:26:15.600
Play more Drake. You can't be focused on that.

01:26:15.640 --> 01:26:18.079
For real, Drake is better than Beethoven. Great

01:26:18.079 --> 01:26:20.560
dick. More hits than Beethoven. This is why it

01:26:20.560 --> 01:26:22.220
doesn't work. You've got to think of it in a

01:26:22.220 --> 01:26:25.600
numbers way. So the human brain is designed to

01:26:25.600 --> 01:26:28.039
recognize threats and problems. When everything's

01:26:28.039 --> 01:26:29.779
great, you don't think about it. So if you have

01:26:29.779 --> 01:26:32.399
10 positive people, Shane, you're the fucking

01:26:32.399 --> 01:26:34.880
man, that's great. One guy goes, this guy's lame

01:26:34.880 --> 01:26:38.239
as fuck, tired of this kind of act, so fucking

01:26:38.239 --> 01:26:39.960
whatever. Take it easy, take it easy. Say a bunch

01:26:39.960 --> 01:26:42.560
of shit. See what I'm saying? So that one stands

01:26:42.560 --> 01:26:45.399
out. You got nine people that think you're awesome,

01:26:45.500 --> 01:26:47.960
one douchebag thinks you suck. And now when you

01:26:47.960 --> 01:26:50.399
scale that up to millions and millions of people,

01:26:50.420 --> 01:26:53.949
and who's writing comments? The majority of them

01:26:53.949 --> 01:26:55.829
are disgruntled people that are unhappy with

01:26:55.829 --> 01:26:57.750
their position in life. You think Toothpaste

01:26:57.750 --> 01:26:59.470
feels that way when they're like, who the fuck

01:26:59.470 --> 01:27:02.659
was that one dentist? The one out of ten? Oh,

01:27:02.659 --> 01:27:08.020
yeah. One guy won't recommend me? After all I've

01:27:08.020 --> 01:27:10.260
done for you? What else do I have to show you?

01:27:10.260 --> 01:27:11.699
Also, I know what you're doing right now, and

01:27:11.699 --> 01:27:14.899
I appreciate it. Game recognize game. You drink

01:27:14.899 --> 01:27:16.739
one, motherfucker. I'm drinking them. I've been

01:27:16.739 --> 01:27:18.979
drinking them. No, you're not. You guys got to

01:27:18.979 --> 01:27:20.920
catch up. I feel like the pod just got started.

01:27:20.979 --> 01:27:23.460
The pod did just start, and we're all... Well,

01:27:23.520 --> 01:27:25.539
that mushroom chocolate's not fucking around.

01:27:26.020 --> 01:27:29.060
Allegedly. Has it kicked in? Oh, yeah. Allegedly.

01:27:29.060 --> 01:27:31.800
It's fun. at the screen anymore. It's too wavy.

01:27:36.060 --> 01:27:38.699
Boy, imagine if they didn't make all that stuff

01:27:38.699 --> 01:27:40.720
illegal. They didn't do the Manson thing and

01:27:40.720 --> 01:27:43.640
they just let psychedelics roam. Marilyn? No,

01:27:43.899 --> 01:27:45.439
the other one. That one, too. That one, too.

01:27:45.579 --> 01:27:47.619
I mean, Charles. He's in trouble. That one, too.

01:27:47.659 --> 01:27:49.529
They whacked her, too. They definitely whacked

01:27:49.529 --> 01:27:50.989
her, right? Who? I was talking about Marilyn

01:27:50.989 --> 01:27:53.250
Manson. She's annoying. She's annoying. She's

01:27:53.250 --> 01:27:56.729
annoying. Jesus Christ, Ari. Damn, damn. Jesus

01:27:56.729 --> 01:27:59.170
Christ, Ari. Looks like my bed. There's so many

01:27:59.170 --> 01:28:00.010
fucking amazing visual artists. No, I'm saying

01:28:00.010 --> 01:28:02.149
they got rid of her. She's bothering us. Let's

01:28:02.149 --> 01:28:03.829
get rid of her. Oh, that's exactly what it was.

01:28:03.949 --> 01:28:07.670
Yeah. She apparently was talking, and she banged

01:28:07.670 --> 01:28:09.899
both of them. She banged both brothers. Two candidates?

01:28:09.939 --> 01:28:12.020
Yeah, Bobby and JFK. Do you think the second

01:28:12.020 --> 01:28:14.399
one was on recommendation from the first? Probably

01:28:14.399 --> 01:28:16.399
get her off of this back. You've got to fuck

01:28:16.399 --> 01:28:19.279
my brother. If you fuck my brother. You thought

01:28:19.279 --> 01:28:21.119
this was good. Wait until you have Bobby's cock.

01:28:21.699 --> 01:28:24.840
Marilyn, you're too fucking crazy for me. I've

01:28:24.840 --> 01:28:27.119
got to run a country. If you think I failed you.

01:28:28.060 --> 01:28:30.220
That's not what you can do for me. That's what

01:28:30.220 --> 01:28:32.600
you can do for my brother. The mob and the CIA

01:28:32.600 --> 01:28:35.239
are trying to kill me. I don't have time for

01:28:35.239 --> 01:28:38.539
your nonsense. Why? Some say. come on the face

01:28:38.539 --> 01:28:43.119
do you think that one brother's watching her

01:28:43.119 --> 01:28:44.859
at the whatever the inauguration was when she's

01:28:44.859 --> 01:28:46.739
sitting in front of the wife and the other brother's

01:28:46.739 --> 01:28:49.340
looking at his brother's going Either way, she

01:28:49.340 --> 01:28:51.560
took a shot in the face, too. Can you imagine

01:28:51.560 --> 01:28:53.939
you're the president, and you're banging everybody,

01:28:54.119 --> 01:28:56.340
and everybody knows, but nobody talks about it?

01:28:56.359 --> 01:28:57.180
No one talked about it. That was the world back

01:28:57.180 --> 01:28:58.979
then. That was the world back then. Yeah, it

01:28:58.979 --> 01:29:01.159
was just guys being bros, dude. Just being bros.

01:29:01.159 --> 01:29:03.079
Everyone was being bros. No one was being bros.

01:29:03.079 --> 01:29:05.020
What I said earlier, I think, has merit to it.

01:29:05.100 --> 01:29:06.899
Like, who do you want? Do you want the warmonger

01:29:06.899 --> 01:29:09.350
or the pussyhound? At least he's not fucking

01:29:09.350 --> 01:29:11.310
you over. I don't want war. All he's doing is

01:29:11.310 --> 01:29:13.010
fucking the chick from Barbie or whatever. Yeah.

01:29:13.170 --> 01:29:16.829
Just keep him pussified. Jesus Christ, Marilyn.

01:29:17.109 --> 01:29:19.130
She looks old in the face. Good Lord. Shut your

01:29:19.130 --> 01:29:20.710
mouth, Ari. You're such a fucking... What's that

01:29:20.710 --> 01:29:23.050
on the side? She's making a face. She's probably

01:29:23.050 --> 01:29:25.170
spitting out her gum before she eats a cock.

01:29:25.229 --> 01:29:26.829
She's got a better picture. That poor lady been

01:29:26.829 --> 01:29:29.880
through a lot. That's a better picture. Oh, wow.

01:29:30.380 --> 01:29:32.500
Machi, Hachi. She was called Hachi. God, look

01:29:32.500 --> 01:29:35.859
at that 25 -year -old. You got a normal Christian

01:29:35.859 --> 01:29:38.420
25 -year -old to the left. Who was the playwright?

01:29:38.939 --> 01:29:40.859
She married some - Tennessee Williams. Yeah.

01:29:41.659 --> 01:29:44.359
No. Wait, what? Joe DiMaggio. What did you say?

01:29:44.819 --> 01:29:46.619
Tennessee Williams? Tennessee Williams was a

01:29:46.619 --> 01:29:47.920
playwright. That's the first one I thought of.

01:29:48.100 --> 01:29:50.140
Yeah, she married DiMaggio, and DiMaggio would

01:29:50.140 --> 01:29:52.180
put flowers on her grave. Arthur Miller. Arthur

01:29:52.180 --> 01:29:55.140
Miller. Yeah, the DiMaggio one was rough. Why?

01:29:55.359 --> 01:29:57.239
Because he put flowers on her grave. He loved

01:29:57.239 --> 01:29:58.899
the babe, dude. He loved her. And this was like,

01:29:58.899 --> 01:30:01.840
wow. Wasn't it like the overlap between Kennedy

01:30:01.840 --> 01:30:04.119
and DiMaggio? A little overlap. Oh, yeah. That's

01:30:04.119 --> 01:30:06.619
a good. She was fucking killing it. High level

01:30:06.619 --> 01:30:08.180
dick. She was killing it. Look at that. That

01:30:08.180 --> 01:30:10.260
guy's ugly. Arthur Miller. Look at this fucking.

01:30:10.319 --> 01:30:11.859
The Jew got some. He looks like the guy from

01:30:11.859 --> 01:30:13.979
The Wire. He got a lot. Oh, yeah. He didn't get

01:30:13.979 --> 01:30:15.840
a little. Like Nolte. Yeah, he got a lot. He

01:30:15.840 --> 01:30:17.640
married her then. There he looks like Friedland.

01:30:17.859 --> 01:30:20.819
Wow. Women like that. Women like that, they're

01:30:20.819 --> 01:30:24.720
just a drug. Yeah. drug. It's fucking John McAfee's

01:30:24.720 --> 01:30:27.029
meth. Yeah. That's what it is. And you get a

01:30:27.029 --> 01:30:28.770
piece of that. Look at this dumb fucking bitch

01:30:28.770 --> 01:30:31.630
at every fucking high level fucking art. How

01:30:31.630 --> 01:30:33.210
dare you? How much of writers are meeting up?

01:30:33.329 --> 01:30:34.670
And it's like, hey, Miller, you brought your

01:30:34.670 --> 01:30:38.130
dumb fucking bitch. Don't be. I hate when you're

01:30:38.130 --> 01:30:40.229
sexist. I don't think she was dumb. And misogynistic.

01:30:40.229 --> 01:30:42.170
Oh, yeah. She was a fucking high level novelist.

01:30:42.170 --> 01:30:43.869
She had a crazy IQ. Higher IQ than Einstein.

01:30:44.050 --> 01:30:47.489
No way. Give it a go. There is literally zero

01:30:47.489 --> 01:30:49.970
shot on her that that's actually true. Let's

01:30:49.970 --> 01:30:52.210
bet. I'll bet you a million dollars. I'm sure

01:30:52.210 --> 01:30:54.250
it's on the internet. There's no way she had

01:30:54.250 --> 01:30:58.180
a million dollars. Slow down, SNL. Five. Five

01:30:58.180 --> 01:31:00.899
bucks. Five bucks is respectable. 20. 20. 20.

01:31:00.899 --> 01:31:03.140
That's an SNL paycheck. 20? Whatever you got.

01:31:03.439 --> 01:31:07.239
For the record. Mad TV paid more. Oh, my God.

01:31:07.739 --> 01:31:10.300
I think she had a higher... Guess how much money

01:31:10.300 --> 01:31:13.020
you get paid to host SNL. How much? 1 ,300. 50

01:31:13.020 --> 01:31:18.420
grand. 1 ,700. 50 grand. $5 ,000. Oh. More than

01:31:18.420 --> 01:31:21.300
I thought. Isn't that wild? Dude, we raided 21

01:31:21.300 --> 01:31:23.760
Jump Street's fucking dressing room afterwards.

01:31:24.119 --> 01:31:28.680
Five grand for a week of work. We rented 21 Savages.

01:31:29.100 --> 01:31:31.680
Unless they just fucked me again. Five grand?

01:31:31.800 --> 01:31:34.779
Wouldn't it have to be like a million? Five grand.

01:31:34.859 --> 01:31:38.760
Wait, so what does 21 get? Musical guests. You

01:31:38.760 --> 01:31:41.750
might get 10. You get more? They don't have to

01:31:41.750 --> 01:31:43.750
do any work. You got a little more. 21's the

01:31:43.750 --> 01:31:45.369
man, by the way. Listen, if Saturday Night Live

01:31:45.369 --> 01:31:48.010
bounces back, if that is what, like, the first

01:31:48.010 --> 01:31:51.569
step and then bouncing back and having more wild

01:31:51.569 --> 01:31:55.170
shit. Who? Big month for whites. It went fucking

01:31:55.170 --> 01:31:59.069
guys saying gay and retard to massive, awesome

01:31:59.069 --> 01:32:04.350
tits are back. I don't know who that is. You

01:32:04.350 --> 01:32:05.810
don't know Sidney Sweeney? She's Marilyn Monroe.

01:32:05.949 --> 01:32:08.590
You've seen her. You sure have seen her. She's

01:32:08.590 --> 01:32:12.300
Marilyn Monroe. Let me see her. That's John McAfee's

01:32:12.300 --> 01:32:15.479
meth. Yeah. That's why she's at the party, Ari,

01:32:15.619 --> 01:32:17.439
you piece of shit. Well, the 90s are coming back.

01:32:17.539 --> 01:32:19.239
He brought meth. Funny guys. He's like, hey,

01:32:19.300 --> 01:32:21.199
everyone can get a gland of gander. He's going

01:32:21.199 --> 01:32:23.300
to bring her wherever the fuck she wants to go.

01:32:23.920 --> 01:32:29.000
Timeless. There she is. Wow. Ample bosom. Congratulations

01:32:29.000 --> 01:32:31.180
to her genetics. I love when you see a story

01:32:31.180 --> 01:32:33.420
like that. She addresses those Glenn Powell rumors,

01:32:33.539 --> 01:32:35.560
and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking

01:32:35.560 --> 01:32:38.260
about. Well, someone wrote a monologue for Ari.

01:32:38.949 --> 01:32:40.529
She's got to talk about some things that are

01:32:40.529 --> 01:32:43.090
in the news. It's probably not really her act.

01:32:43.289 --> 01:32:47.210
Ari's like, her act sucks. She knows who Glenn

01:32:47.210 --> 01:32:52.149
Powell is. The tragic truth about Marilyn Monroe's

01:32:52.149 --> 01:32:54.949
concealed intelligence. Thank you. Dear fame,

01:32:55.409 --> 01:32:58.130
a lot of how Marilyn Monroe acted for the cameras

01:32:58.130 --> 01:33:02.409
as behind the scenes. A lying lady. It is said

01:33:02.409 --> 01:33:04.750
that she was a star brilliant with a high IQ.

01:33:05.239 --> 01:33:06.800
There you go. But it doesn't say it's higher

01:33:06.800 --> 01:33:09.279
than Einstein. Higher than Albert Einstein. It's

01:33:09.279 --> 01:33:10.939
unproven, but it does say that it was as high

01:33:10.939 --> 01:33:15.460
as 168. Einstein was... 157. Was he 160? No,

01:33:15.539 --> 01:33:18.479
I know this is an urban... Okay, but hold on.

01:33:18.539 --> 01:33:21.939
It says some believe. Oh. I believe that she

01:33:21.939 --> 01:33:24.989
was an alien. Some believe different. Illegal?

01:33:25.850 --> 01:33:27.529
I don't know where the evidence is. I don't know

01:33:27.529 --> 01:33:29.449
if either of them can test. It's a tweet. It

01:33:29.449 --> 01:33:32.130
has to be real. It's verified. Does it have community

01:33:32.130 --> 01:33:34.770
notes? If not, shut the fuck up, Jamie. All right,

01:33:34.789 --> 01:33:38.329
that's a wash. No, it's not. You owe me $5. I'm

01:33:38.329 --> 01:33:41.869
more proven than you. I'm just certain that that's

01:33:41.869 --> 01:33:43.510
not true. Isn't that what community notes is

01:33:43.510 --> 01:33:45.329
for? I can't go with that. How come there's no

01:33:45.329 --> 01:33:48.890
community notes on that statement? You have to.

01:33:49.029 --> 01:33:51.109
Well, can we amplify it? Speaking of which, Ari

01:33:51.109 --> 01:33:53.630
went to the migrant meeting. Oh yeah, I went

01:33:53.630 --> 01:33:55.050
to the meeting with all the migrants in my neighborhood.

01:33:55.550 --> 01:33:57.310
What to do with them? What'd you do? What'd you

01:33:57.310 --> 01:33:59.390
say? I said kill them. You say, hey, we got some

01:33:59.390 --> 01:34:02.010
fucking tunnels here. What's the meeting like?

01:34:02.149 --> 01:34:04.149
Is it like fucking in someone's basement? No,

01:34:04.189 --> 01:34:05.930
it's in a community center. Of course you went

01:34:05.930 --> 01:34:08.130
to a fucking community center, dude. Protect

01:34:08.130 --> 01:34:10.210
our community. Oh, that whole line around the

01:34:10.210 --> 01:34:12.409
neighborhood? Of, like, new migrants? Well, if

01:34:12.409 --> 01:34:13.750
it isn't... They're going to piss in the bushes,

01:34:13.829 --> 01:34:15.470
so we either got to raise... They all sound like

01:34:15.470 --> 01:34:17.210
me. They either got to raise money for porta

01:34:17.210 --> 01:34:18.789
-potties or they're fucking pissing in the bushes.

01:34:18.869 --> 01:34:19.590
We got to figure it out. Well, your park went

01:34:19.590 --> 01:34:22.050
to hell, so the community's fucked. Guess what?

01:34:22.149 --> 01:34:23.630
Porta -potties are gross. They're going to keep

01:34:23.630 --> 01:34:25.449
pissing in the bushes. No, they'll piss in them

01:34:25.449 --> 01:34:26.930
if we tell them to piss in... If we get them

01:34:26.930 --> 01:34:28.590
that, but they're not going to get it to them.

01:34:28.729 --> 01:34:30.289
Yeah, but they're not going to regular porta

01:34:30.289 --> 01:34:31.609
-potties. They're going to want, like, a good

01:34:31.609 --> 01:34:33.630
one that you can sit down in with a little sink

01:34:33.630 --> 01:34:35.729
in it. They'd rather go behind. Or a portable

01:34:35.729 --> 01:34:37.409
bathroom. These aren't homeless people. Porta

01:34:37.409 --> 01:34:39.689
-potties are just a hole with a fucking blue

01:34:39.689 --> 01:34:42.510
water in it. It's disgusting. You ever look down

01:34:42.510 --> 01:34:43.810
that? In London, they do it. They set up porta

01:34:43.810 --> 01:34:45.369
-potties. All the drunks, instead of pissing

01:34:45.369 --> 01:34:47.270
in the park, they'll piss on the nose. They still

01:34:47.270 --> 01:34:50.710
do it. Do they? Most of them. But a few dudes

01:34:50.710 --> 01:34:52.770
pee on trees, right? That's why I set them up.

01:34:52.770 --> 01:34:54.270
They're like, hey, don't be an animal. Fucking

01:34:54.270 --> 01:34:56.050
piss in these that we set up so we can have the

01:34:56.050 --> 01:34:57.810
trees tomorrow when you're sober. No, I don't

01:34:57.810 --> 01:35:00.390
think your piss kills trees. No, I don't think

01:35:00.390 --> 01:35:02.449
so. It kills bushes. No way. It does? It does.

01:35:02.939 --> 01:35:05.439
No way. I'll tell you what. If 200 people a night

01:35:05.439 --> 01:35:07.979
fucking piss in them? Listen to me. Dog piss

01:35:07.979 --> 01:35:10.479
kills your lawn. Yeah, it does for sure. Yeah,

01:35:10.500 --> 01:35:14.300
man. Dogs. What? Girl dogs just squat and pee.

01:35:14.420 --> 01:35:17.520
Boy dogs want to mark. So boy dogs piss on things,

01:35:17.600 --> 01:35:20.119
but girl dogs just squat. So they leave these

01:35:20.119 --> 01:35:23.279
little dark puddles in your lawn. It kills the

01:35:23.279 --> 01:35:26.220
grass. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't drink

01:35:26.220 --> 01:35:28.319
girl dog pee. Wait a minute. That's my advice.

01:35:28.619 --> 01:35:31.439
Well, wouldn't the forest be ruined by like...

01:35:32.220 --> 01:35:34.439
Animal piss? It's a good question. It's a good

01:35:34.439 --> 01:35:38.100
question. There's a lot of squirrels. Yeah, so

01:35:38.100 --> 01:35:40.039
much vegetation. There's a lot of stuff to piss

01:35:40.039 --> 01:35:42.460
on. I think grass is pretty unnatural as it is.

01:35:42.560 --> 01:35:44.779
Maybe it's just the grass. But they're always

01:35:44.779 --> 01:35:46.439
putting the things around the trees. Don't let

01:35:46.439 --> 01:35:48.680
dogs and pisses kill the tree. What's that, Jamie?

01:35:48.760 --> 01:35:50.279
In the UK, they have urine deflectors everywhere

01:35:50.279 --> 01:35:53.039
because people pee all over the buildings. They

01:35:53.039 --> 01:35:54.640
set up porta -potties. Look at the porta -potties

01:35:54.640 --> 01:35:56.880
in the parks. Urine deflectors. What's a deflector?

01:35:57.220 --> 01:36:00.840
So it won't catch in a corner. Forever. Oh, so

01:36:00.840 --> 01:36:02.359
you can't piss on it because it'll splatter on

01:36:02.359 --> 01:36:05.020
you. Yeah. So just step back. Or no, or it just

01:36:05.020 --> 01:36:07.619
won't gather in a corner. You ever drank piss?

01:36:07.779 --> 01:36:09.359
It's pretty wild. So they just assume people

01:36:09.359 --> 01:36:10.840
are going to pee on that, or they're stopping

01:36:10.840 --> 01:36:12.140
people from peeing on it? No, they can't get

01:36:12.140 --> 01:36:14.399
underneath the piss up. So if they're going to

01:36:14.399 --> 01:36:17.279
pee, let it drip away from the fucking crevices.

01:36:17.680 --> 01:36:19.180
Should have put that on the R. Kelly chicks.

01:36:19.359 --> 01:36:21.300
How weird. Remember when we were talking about

01:36:21.300 --> 01:36:23.260
there was just pee and poop everywhere in the

01:36:23.260 --> 01:36:26.460
1700s? Oh, yeah. Everyone was just shitting everywhere.

01:36:26.619 --> 01:36:27.739
Running the streets. He was just shitting everywhere.

01:36:28.000 --> 01:36:30.390
Yeah. Pre -plumbing. They said they're having

01:36:30.390 --> 01:36:32.430
a problem with some people that come from other

01:36:32.430 --> 01:36:34.829
places to new cities where they just still decide

01:36:34.829 --> 01:36:36.449
to shit on the ground. Because they don't know

01:36:36.449 --> 01:36:37.930
the dip. They don't know the thing. They've been

01:36:37.930 --> 01:36:39.510
doing it their whole life. It's like, I don't

01:36:39.510 --> 01:36:40.970
care. I'm just going to shit. I have to shit.

01:36:41.050 --> 01:36:43.550
I'm not going to go to some little closet that

01:36:43.550 --> 01:36:45.649
smells awful when I get to shit right here. I

01:36:45.649 --> 01:36:47.609
see human shit in New York all the time. All

01:36:47.609 --> 01:36:49.729
the time. You can tell. You can tell. It's unsettling

01:36:49.729 --> 01:36:51.430
because you're like, damn it. That's a fucking

01:36:51.430 --> 01:36:54.600
person one. I know. Old school public. Urinal.

01:36:54.720 --> 01:36:58.020
Whoa. It's kind of pretty. It looks like you're

01:36:58.020 --> 01:37:01.560
praying to the Lord of Piss. Yeah. Doesn't it?

01:37:01.640 --> 01:37:03.619
They just go in there and piss on a wall. It's

01:37:03.619 --> 01:37:06.659
so well made. Isn't that incredible? Look at

01:37:06.659 --> 01:37:09.520
the artwork involved. I know. What craftsmen

01:37:09.520 --> 01:37:11.960
we had back then. Dude, I would love those right

01:37:11.960 --> 01:37:14.020
now. You're out in New York and there's a place

01:37:14.020 --> 01:37:16.119
that's three quarters enclosed to go in and piss

01:37:16.119 --> 01:37:18.600
on a wall. Look how beautiful that looks. Beautiful.

01:37:19.319 --> 01:37:23.819
That's a vintage public urinal in Paris. Amazing.

01:37:24.220 --> 01:37:26.819
Bro, we're looking at... Look how beautiful these

01:37:26.819 --> 01:37:29.600
public urinals used to be. Pissoir. Pissoir.

01:37:30.039 --> 01:37:32.260
Look at the other ones, though. Show Shane the

01:37:32.260 --> 01:37:33.960
other ones that you showed, the New York City

01:37:33.960 --> 01:37:35.539
one. Oh, look at that one right there. Really

01:37:35.539 --> 01:37:37.520
cool. Look at that one. That's in Paris. That's

01:37:37.520 --> 01:37:39.840
insane. But show the whole thing so you can see

01:37:39.840 --> 01:37:41.659
the top. Look how beautiful that fucking thing

01:37:41.659 --> 01:37:44.659
is. It's like a subway entrance. But isn't that

01:37:44.659 --> 01:37:47.199
amazing, like the craftsmanship they have? For

01:37:47.199 --> 01:37:50.090
that. Standard. Some guy got hired. Big bucks

01:37:50.090 --> 01:37:52.050
to do that. And they had little ads on the side.

01:37:52.310 --> 01:37:55.270
What was that ad for? Is that like a price, though?

01:37:55.850 --> 01:37:57.989
15. To use it? Minutes? I'm sure you can get

01:37:57.989 --> 01:37:59.329
blown in there as well. Is that what it says?

01:37:59.670 --> 01:38:03.640
What does MTS, what does it say? Ah, 15. Bonjour,

01:38:03.800 --> 01:38:06.619
you must pay. Digestive depository is what this

01:38:06.619 --> 01:38:09.899
is. Oh, interesting. Is that below it where it

01:38:09.899 --> 01:38:11.880
says, is that a price? No, it says water closet

01:38:11.880 --> 01:38:14.000
A15. I don't know. Do you have to pay to use

01:38:14.000 --> 01:38:16.140
it? Because that would be nice. Probably do.

01:38:16.619 --> 01:38:21.420
What does A15 mean? It could be minutes. Close

01:38:21.420 --> 01:38:23.319
the door because the dogs really want to get

01:38:23.319 --> 01:38:30.300
in here. So you get 15 minutes? 1875. All the

01:38:30.300 --> 01:38:32.680
New York subway bathrooms had to be locked up.

01:38:32.920 --> 01:38:35.399
They still have that, though, now. Those, like,

01:38:35.420 --> 01:38:37.100
public bathrooms. But don't they have, like,

01:38:37.180 --> 01:38:39.220
the National Guard on the subway now or something?

01:38:39.239 --> 01:38:41.520
Yeah, it's bad. The lady got stabbed. There was

01:38:41.520 --> 01:38:45.680
a shooting. Good times. Bro, what is New York

01:38:45.680 --> 01:38:48.779
City doing? I don't know. It's getting wacky.

01:38:48.880 --> 01:38:51.739
That whole letting everybody in thing is just

01:38:51.739 --> 01:38:55.260
crazy. I think this is what it said. I think

01:38:55.260 --> 01:38:56.859
that might have been 15 minutes. People started

01:38:56.859 --> 01:38:59.659
using them as places to talk for private conversations.

01:39:00.619 --> 01:39:03.260
Without the Nazis finding out. Without the Nazis

01:39:03.260 --> 01:39:05.199
finding out. Come on in here while I take a shit.

01:39:05.359 --> 01:39:06.779
Yeah. I'm going to tell you how we're planning

01:39:06.779 --> 01:39:09.479
the rebellion. Unisex. Enclosed, automatically

01:39:09.479 --> 01:39:12.319
self -cleaning unit. Oh, 1980. Yeah, in 1980,

01:39:12.520 --> 01:39:15.899
they were replaced systematically. 1980. Wow.

01:39:15.960 --> 01:39:19.979
Had a good run. 1980. 100 years, 105. Dude, it

01:39:19.979 --> 01:39:22.479
seems like the 80s are so recent. But if you

01:39:22.479 --> 01:39:26.300
had to go back and live back then, when I grew

01:39:26.300 --> 01:39:29.500
up, you were in a different world. You left the

01:39:29.500 --> 01:39:31.720
house, you were gone. No one knew where you were.

01:39:31.920 --> 01:39:33.920
There was two pictures of you. One when you were

01:39:33.920 --> 01:39:38.500
like, one when you were 10. No one has real evidence

01:39:38.500 --> 01:39:41.880
that you were ever alive. You just, people would

01:39:41.880 --> 01:39:44.060
vanish. I think about that a lot when I'm laying

01:39:44.060 --> 01:39:46.300
in bed. I think about my parents in the 80s and

01:39:46.300 --> 01:39:49.000
the 90s. You just go out to dinner. You go to

01:39:49.000 --> 01:39:51.439
a friend's house. You skateboard all day. You

01:39:51.439 --> 01:39:53.300
bike ride. You don't know where anybody is. It

01:39:53.300 --> 01:39:55.760
was nice. It's way better. You didn't think about

01:39:55.760 --> 01:39:57.819
it. When I grew up, people would open the window

01:39:57.819 --> 01:40:00.939
and yell for their kids. Yes. They would yell,

01:40:01.119 --> 01:40:08.600
Bobby! Get home! Bobby! That's great. This is

01:40:08.600 --> 01:40:10.140
wild. But now people would tweet and go, this

01:40:10.140 --> 01:40:13.140
mom is a little aggressive, she's a little controlling.

01:40:13.140 --> 01:40:15.500
Oh, yeah, the homeowners association. Exactly.

01:40:15.579 --> 01:40:18.100
They all gather and kick that peep. When I was

01:40:18.100 --> 01:40:20.020
a kid, I lived in San Francisco, and then we

01:40:20.020 --> 01:40:22.800
moved to Florida, and then we moved to Boston.

01:40:22.899 --> 01:40:24.399
We moved to Boston. We moved to a place called

01:40:24.399 --> 01:40:28.000
Jamaica Plain. Jamaica Plain was rough back then.

01:40:28.140 --> 01:40:30.279
We didn't have any money. And our next -door

01:40:30.279 --> 01:40:32.939
neighbors were in a punk band. And the fucking

01:40:32.939 --> 01:40:37.960
entire basement they converted to a session place.

01:40:38.300 --> 01:40:41.100
And so they had carpet, like seven, eight layers

01:40:41.100 --> 01:40:42.760
of carpet. That was their own sound deadening.

01:40:42.880 --> 01:40:46.340
And it was so loud. Didn't we look them up once?

01:40:48.779 --> 01:40:51.479
It was Alice in Chains. Death in the Shopping

01:40:51.479 --> 01:40:55.800
Mall. Oh, okay. I remember the other song, My

01:40:55.800 --> 01:40:59.520
Baby is a Mutant. Oh, you know this music? Oh,

01:40:59.560 --> 01:41:01.840
yeah. I could never sleep to it. I heard them

01:41:01.840 --> 01:41:06.399
sing it 150 times. Wow. Were they any good? They're

01:41:06.399 --> 01:41:07.840
pretty good if you're into that kind of music.

01:41:07.939 --> 01:41:10.739
And I would go down. They let me watch them perform,

01:41:11.020 --> 01:41:14.199
watch them rehearse. I was like eight. Damn.

01:41:14.199 --> 01:41:16.420
It was pretty cool. No, I guess I wasn't eight.

01:41:16.500 --> 01:41:18.739
No, I was 13. Because that was Boston. Yeah,

01:41:18.800 --> 01:41:20.880
I was thinking San Francisco. But that was Boston.

01:41:21.159 --> 01:41:24.060
And so these people were, like, they recorded

01:41:24.060 --> 01:41:26.880
this. There's a video, I think, that's available

01:41:26.880 --> 01:41:28.920
on YouTube, or at least the song's available

01:41:28.920 --> 01:41:31.439
on YouTube. It's a different time. We built this

01:41:31.439 --> 01:41:34.079
mini ramp in my backyard, and every kid in the

01:41:34.079 --> 01:41:36.300
neighborhood would use it. There it is. These

01:41:36.300 --> 01:41:38.659
are the guys. Oh, look at that. What's that,

01:41:38.779 --> 01:41:40.520
Jamie? Not the song you asked for, but I found

01:41:40.520 --> 01:41:42.420
the... Oh, they're working. Oh, it's another

01:41:42.420 --> 01:41:46.260
one. Man on a Tightrope. They got 2 ,000 views?

01:41:48.119 --> 01:41:51.439
That's probably all. You can't play it. We're

01:41:51.439 --> 01:41:52.899
going to get copyrighted by then. One second.

01:41:53.500 --> 01:41:55.020
That's what you're allowed to? You can check

01:41:55.020 --> 01:41:56.460
for one second. Did you ever go over and knock

01:41:56.460 --> 01:41:57.960
on the door and go, hey, quiet down a little

01:41:57.960 --> 01:42:01.659
bit? No. Nobody did that back then. It was just

01:42:01.659 --> 01:42:05.539
a weird time if you consider how people grow

01:42:05.539 --> 01:42:07.720
up today. If you grow up today, you're growing

01:42:07.720 --> 01:42:10.199
up in the weirdest time. I know. It's fucked.

01:42:10.760 --> 01:42:13.739
It's kind of fucked. Ever. But it's like every

01:42:13.739 --> 01:42:16.020
civilization has had to deal with that. When

01:42:16.020 --> 01:42:18.119
they invented the printing press, when they invented

01:42:18.119 --> 01:42:21.659
cars, when they invented airplanes, every generation

01:42:21.659 --> 01:42:26.300
has had to deal with some new weirdness. I told

01:42:26.300 --> 01:42:29.619
you to get the fucking eagle beer bong. Oh, shit.

01:42:29.819 --> 01:42:32.890
It might be early. I got to pee. All right. Behind

01:42:32.890 --> 01:42:35.449
the microwave. Dude, those dogs. I saw it, and

01:42:35.449 --> 01:42:37.569
I was like, no. And then I got in here, and I

01:42:37.569 --> 01:42:38.810
was like, damn, I should have got it. We're only

01:42:38.810 --> 01:42:41.050
an hour in. We can't play the America Fuck Yeah

01:42:41.050 --> 01:42:43.810
song. We can sing it. Why? Because we'll get

01:42:43.810 --> 01:42:46.550
copyrighted. I'm sure there's a copy on the internet.

01:42:47.510 --> 01:42:49.029
Can't you reach out to us? We can just sing.

01:42:49.250 --> 01:42:53.989
It doesn't have a... It's a group. I think we

01:42:53.989 --> 01:42:57.699
can sing it. America. We gotta get it. We'll

01:42:57.699 --> 01:43:04.220
say hell yeah. America. America. Fuck yeah. Come

01:43:04.220 --> 01:43:06.819
and sing to save the motherfucking day. Yeah,

01:43:06.819 --> 01:43:09.699
America. Fuck yeah. Can we get in trouble for

01:43:09.699 --> 01:43:13.640
that? Freedom is the only way. Jamie, can we

01:43:13.640 --> 01:43:15.739
get in trouble for that? I don't know. Jamie.

01:43:16.659 --> 01:43:18.579
I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. Why are you just

01:43:18.579 --> 01:43:20.359
reaching out to us? I'm not a lawyer. No, we're

01:43:20.359 --> 01:43:22.899
allowed to sing it. Bitches. Click my button.

01:43:23.060 --> 01:43:25.479
Suck on my button. Doesn't Kid Rock own all his

01:43:25.479 --> 01:43:29.279
music? I don't know. We should call him. If we

01:43:29.279 --> 01:43:33.720
asked him if we could use American Badass, that's

01:43:33.720 --> 01:43:35.579
just as ridiculous and awesome. Wait, so we're

01:43:35.579 --> 01:43:37.399
not allowed to have fun and use music anymore?

01:43:37.600 --> 01:43:40.060
What did you guys sign? I know, right? It's just

01:43:40.060 --> 01:43:45.479
being on YouTube again. Damn. Let's go back to

01:43:45.479 --> 01:43:48.520
4chan. Why can't we play Spotify music? That's

01:43:48.520 --> 01:43:50.600
what I'm saying. Because it goes on YouTube.

01:43:52.300 --> 01:43:54.319
We're also the YouTube users. Just bleep it out

01:43:54.319 --> 01:43:58.229
for them. No, you can't do that. You probably

01:43:58.229 --> 01:44:00.869
could. Yeah, I probably could way easily. Who

01:44:00.869 --> 01:44:04.069
needs a radio when I can say, mock. Yeah. Woo.

01:44:04.409 --> 01:44:10.869
Yeah. Burr. Yeah. Burr. Yeah. I think that's

01:44:10.869 --> 01:44:14.560
a copyright. That's all right. We can come up

01:44:14.560 --> 01:44:15.920
with our own stuff. I guess that's what we're

01:44:15.920 --> 01:44:17.140
supposed to do. Yeah, we can come up with our

01:44:17.140 --> 01:44:21.340
own songs. There you go. Urgot callback. That's

01:44:21.340 --> 01:44:26.560
big. He cuts a callback. Did he dive? Did the

01:44:26.560 --> 01:44:29.859
action fall? They took a pratfall. What if he

01:44:29.859 --> 01:44:32.159
unhooked us? Larry David. What if he disconnected

01:44:32.159 --> 01:44:37.399
us? Mark. What the fuck, Mark? So what's going

01:44:37.399 --> 01:44:40.920
on with you guys now that Mark's gone? I'm tired

01:44:40.920 --> 01:44:44.880
of all his quips. He needs to get more fucked

01:44:44.880 --> 01:44:48.640
up. He has no quips. He's always ready. We're

01:44:48.640 --> 01:44:50.079
trying to build a quilt. He's not doing it there.

01:44:50.100 --> 01:44:51.960
It just hasn't presented itself. Don't force

01:44:51.960 --> 01:44:55.920
the genius. He left the doors open. He left the

01:44:55.920 --> 01:44:57.859
doors open. That's Carl and Ben. He left the

01:44:57.859 --> 01:45:04.760
doors open. Bye, man. Mark. Ben is trying to

01:45:04.760 --> 01:45:06.619
sneak in. Dude, you get outside that door and

01:45:06.619 --> 01:45:08.800
there's fucking two dogs. Ben, it came into her

01:45:08.800 --> 01:45:12.680
daddy. The dogs are in. He wanted to hold Carl

01:45:12.680 --> 01:45:15.920
so badly. But will Bandit fuck things up? She's

01:45:15.920 --> 01:45:20.460
cool. Hey, Bandit. She's not relaxed. I've seen

01:45:20.460 --> 01:45:23.079
her chew cords. Shut up, dude. She does not.

01:45:23.220 --> 01:45:24.899
He's trying to cause trouble. Does she chew cords?

01:45:25.060 --> 01:45:28.060
Never once ever. Has she been around cords? What?

01:45:29.079 --> 01:45:31.159
She's been here, but only for a brief period

01:45:31.159 --> 01:45:34.399
of time. This is a good dog. She's a suck. This

01:45:34.399 --> 01:45:36.840
is a good dog. She wants her daddy. She does.

01:45:38.760 --> 01:45:40.520
We got a little tongue action. We got a little

01:45:40.520 --> 01:45:43.359
hot tongue action. Don't kiss the dog. When Ari

01:45:43.359 --> 01:45:45.979
was inside before, she was sitting outside the

01:45:45.979 --> 01:45:48.399
door, just sitting, staring up at the door, knowing

01:45:48.399 --> 01:45:50.619
that he was in that room. It is a cute dog, but

01:45:50.619 --> 01:45:54.119
it is autistic. Yeah. Why say that? She's going

01:45:54.119 --> 01:45:55.880
for Bud Light. It's just one of those dogs. It's

01:45:55.880 --> 01:45:59.720
not a dog. It's more of a cat. Just staring.

01:45:59.899 --> 01:46:02.470
It's not like a fun. It's a quiet, weird. You

01:46:02.470 --> 01:46:04.250
know what I mean? It's a skinnish dog. It's not

01:46:04.250 --> 01:46:06.090
skinnish. It's a lap dog. She doesn't like fireworks.

01:46:06.489 --> 01:46:07.890
That's literally every dog that doesn't like

01:46:07.890 --> 01:46:09.170
fireworks. My dog doesn't like fireworks. No,

01:46:09.189 --> 01:46:10.670
but look at her. It's quiet. It just walks around.

01:46:10.729 --> 01:46:13.149
It's weird, dude. It's a very serious dog. She

01:46:13.149 --> 01:46:14.789
is serious. She's a sad girl. She's a solemn

01:46:14.789 --> 01:46:16.409
dog. She's a sad girl. If you're trying to insult

01:46:16.409 --> 01:46:17.909
her, it won't work. She is awesome. I'm not insulting

01:46:17.909 --> 01:46:19.689
her. I'm just saying that you guys know these

01:46:19.689 --> 01:46:22.909
types of dogs. You've seen these types of dogs.

01:46:24.229 --> 01:46:27.229
Solemn. Solemn. Something has. Solemn. Solemn.

01:46:27.609 --> 01:46:29.550
Solemn. Solemn. Serious. You left the fucking

01:46:29.550 --> 01:46:35.250
doors open. Oh, the dog? get in? Somehow. God

01:46:35.250 --> 01:46:39.449
damn it, Mark. Anybody want cigars? Cigars! Cigars!

01:46:39.470 --> 01:46:41.210
I'm okay, thank you. It's a whole new foundation

01:46:41.210 --> 01:46:44.850
delivery. Hell yeah. Get some freshies. Are both

01:46:44.850 --> 01:46:46.970
dogs in here or just one? Both of them are in

01:46:46.970 --> 01:46:50.109
here. I know, are these gay dogs here? I know,

01:46:50.189 --> 01:46:52.210
right? Trying to have a good time with your gay

01:46:52.210 --> 01:46:56.539
dog. Ruining everything. Bandana on this dog.

01:46:56.720 --> 01:46:58.899
Is it blood? Yo, shit, guys. Because he's in

01:46:58.899 --> 01:47:01.060
the West, bro. He's in Texas. He's in Texas.

01:47:01.260 --> 01:47:05.399
Obviously, he's got a fucking bandana on. It

01:47:05.399 --> 01:47:10.680
went green last week. Why did it have green on?

01:47:10.840 --> 01:47:12.600
For the environment? Because of your people.

01:47:12.939 --> 01:47:17.960
Oh, nice. Up the IRA. Up the IRA. By the way,

01:47:18.020 --> 01:47:21.359
up the IRA. Free Palestine. Try it. They love

01:47:21.359 --> 01:47:25.140
Palestine, those mix. They really do. Well, everybody

01:47:25.140 --> 01:47:28.420
loves the underdog, and when you were the underdog

01:47:28.420 --> 01:47:31.560
forever. They've been through it. Yeah, the inwards

01:47:31.560 --> 01:47:33.779
of Europe. I mean, they literally, it's very

01:47:33.779 --> 01:47:35.399
similar. Bro, when I went to Northern Ireland

01:47:35.399 --> 01:47:37.819
and I saw the fucking cars, the police cars that

01:47:37.819 --> 01:47:40.399
are to this day armored with big steel plates

01:47:40.399 --> 01:47:42.920
all around them because of the IRA bombs. Oh,

01:47:42.939 --> 01:47:44.279
you found it. We need headphones. Otherwise,

01:47:44.359 --> 01:47:45.699
we're going to talk over each other, and it's

01:47:45.699 --> 01:47:47.569
going to be very annoying. You have to have headphones,

01:47:47.750 --> 01:47:50.210
Ari. You particularly. You. And everyone. And

01:47:50.210 --> 01:47:51.569
literally everyone else. No, I was doing worse.

01:47:51.609 --> 01:47:55.090
All three of us. Ari just has disjointed offhand

01:47:55.090 --> 01:47:58.449
conversations. The thing is, when you're listening,

01:47:58.510 --> 01:48:00.289
it's so hard. I know we're having a good time.

01:48:00.770 --> 01:48:02.609
I'm telling you, it was worse earlier. Yeah,

01:48:02.630 --> 01:48:04.569
it was bad at one point. First hour was rough.

01:48:04.770 --> 01:48:06.090
I never take the headphones off. I was like,

01:48:06.170 --> 01:48:09.810
well, we'll find our groove. Ah, damn. I took

01:48:09.810 --> 01:48:11.890
them off. I had them on in the beginning, and

01:48:11.890 --> 01:48:13.729
it made me feel bad because we were talking over

01:48:13.729 --> 01:48:16.449
each other. With them on. On. Everybody had them

01:48:16.449 --> 01:48:17.810
on. We all had them on. It's because of you,

01:48:17.850 --> 01:48:20.909
Ari. You do. Literally no one had them on. No.

01:48:21.390 --> 01:48:26.130
We all did, and then you ruined it. Is this supposed

01:48:26.130 --> 01:48:29.130
to look like you? Ari, you're a destroyer of

01:48:29.130 --> 01:48:35.149
worlds. America. Yeah, you fucking hebe. All

01:48:35.149 --> 01:48:38.310
right. Going back in. Ari, you're next for Saturday

01:48:38.310 --> 01:48:42.180
Night Live. I went there a couple years ago,

01:48:42.239 --> 01:48:44.819
and Che was giving me a tour. It was pretty cool.

01:48:45.060 --> 01:48:46.640
Were you allowed on the premises? And he goes,

01:48:46.779 --> 01:48:48.520
if you go in the back way, I was like, can I

01:48:48.520 --> 01:48:50.220
go back there and see what's there? He was like,

01:48:50.279 --> 01:48:51.819
yeah, there's nothing there. And I'm like, can

01:48:51.819 --> 01:48:53.520
I walk through the doors? He goes, yeah, but

01:48:53.520 --> 01:48:55.760
there's a superstition that if you walk through

01:48:55.760 --> 01:48:57.119
before you're actually hosting, you'll never

01:48:57.119 --> 01:48:59.800
host. And I just looked down for like five seconds,

01:48:59.880 --> 01:49:01.550
and I was like. Oh, yeah, I'm going back there.

01:49:01.670 --> 01:49:02.930
Yeah, you're never going to host. What are we

01:49:02.930 --> 01:49:05.750
talking about? What are we talking about? Superstitions

01:49:05.750 --> 01:49:07.869
are hilarious. Especially when it comes to that.

01:49:08.069 --> 01:49:09.930
Like, oh, no, you're going to take away my five

01:49:09.930 --> 01:49:14.630
grand? I could not believe. They're like, you've

01:49:14.630 --> 01:49:16.350
got to sign these contracts. And I was like,

01:49:16.409 --> 01:49:18.789
all right. And then we'll pay you. And I was

01:49:18.789 --> 01:49:20.909
like, how much is it? It's five grand you get.

01:49:21.199 --> 01:49:22.699
Five grand. You should have just not filled out

01:49:22.699 --> 01:49:24.760
the forms. I'm not signing it. I didn't. But

01:49:24.760 --> 01:49:27.939
your agent gets 10%. Your manager gets 10%. Yeah,

01:49:27.939 --> 01:49:31.899
I get $150. Exactly. For a week of work. I know.

01:49:31.960 --> 01:49:35.060
That's hard work. The most stress. Yeah. It'd

01:49:35.060 --> 01:49:36.079
be fun if I didn't have it. I could see it on

01:49:36.079 --> 01:49:37.819
you. I could see it on you. Yeah, I was fucking

01:49:37.819 --> 01:49:39.899
stressed out. Yeah. Yeah, you had both sides

01:49:39.899 --> 01:49:41.779
on your shoulder. Yeah, but you know what, dude?

01:49:41.859 --> 01:49:43.439
You went through it, and you went through it

01:49:43.439 --> 01:49:45.479
bigger than ever. That's the beautiful thing

01:49:45.479 --> 01:49:47.180
about it. You go through it bigger than ever.

01:49:47.340 --> 01:49:49.479
And it worked out. It worked out. It's great,

01:49:49.659 --> 01:49:51.600
and it showed that you're awesome at sketches,

01:49:51.720 --> 01:49:54.000
and it turns people to Gillian Keys, which is,

01:49:54.060 --> 01:49:55.979
I think, the best sketch show on the internet.

01:49:56.079 --> 01:49:59.880
Thanks. Fucking awesome. Brother fucking OnlyFansDad

01:49:59.880 --> 01:50:03.239
is one of the best fucking sketches I have ever

01:50:03.239 --> 01:50:06.229
seen. You got a gang of them, man. The Trump

01:50:06.229 --> 01:50:08.630
speed dating. It's fucking genius shit, dude.

01:50:08.649 --> 01:50:11.810
ISIS car. That's all, yeah. You got some genius

01:50:11.810 --> 01:50:15.750
shit. And that's the best part, is that it sends

01:50:15.750 --> 01:50:19.479
people towards the real shit. independent comedy

01:50:19.479 --> 01:50:21.640
sketches that are done by the people that are

01:50:21.640 --> 01:50:24.020
actually funny. There's no one fucking with them.

01:50:24.060 --> 01:50:26.199
There's no network notes. There's no executives.

01:50:26.300 --> 01:50:30.199
There's no watering up the fucking chili. It's

01:50:30.199 --> 01:50:33.680
just real. Speak your water up. Don't fuck with

01:50:33.680 --> 01:50:36.520
that, dude. I already had it last time. Don't

01:50:36.520 --> 01:50:38.939
fuck with the Carolina Reaper, Wicked Cuts, Beef

01:50:38.939 --> 01:50:40.640
Jerky. That was a bad night. Mark, bong one of

01:50:40.640 --> 01:50:43.319
those. Huh? Bong one. Bong one. Dude, for the

01:50:43.319 --> 01:50:44.319
troops. It's time to go. Well, I'm going to take

01:50:44.319 --> 01:50:46.220
a mushroom. Think about it. You had a fucking

01:50:46.220 --> 01:50:48.439
block earlier. You're fine. It's time for America.

01:50:48.979 --> 01:50:50.520
It's time for America. Don't count mine. It's

01:50:50.520 --> 01:50:54.100
time to take America back, Mark. That's the joke.

01:50:54.140 --> 01:50:56.520
Mark, we've got to take America back. Come on,

01:50:56.560 --> 01:50:59.119
man. Yeah. Do it for the troops. Hold on. We've

01:50:59.119 --> 01:51:01.340
had one drink. We've had one drink in four days.

01:51:01.359 --> 01:51:04.960
You had two fucking little tiny whiskeys. This

01:51:04.960 --> 01:51:06.859
is the fifth. That's the one without the giant

01:51:06.859 --> 01:51:08.680
ice cube. You're going to be drunk on that. When

01:51:08.680 --> 01:51:10.640
comics were eating dick, they would go, how about

01:51:10.640 --> 01:51:11.880
a round of applause for the troops, everybody?

01:51:12.020 --> 01:51:15.300
Yeah, it was an easy way out. It was an easy

01:51:15.300 --> 01:51:17.779
way out. Round of applause for the ladies. Yeah.

01:51:18.079 --> 01:51:21.420
Who's having a birthday? First date, last date.

01:51:21.739 --> 01:51:22.779
How about a round of applause for the ladies?

01:51:23.490 --> 01:51:25.590
Can you imagine bombing and then someone's like,

01:51:25.670 --> 01:51:27.390
who's having a birthday in the audience? I'd

01:51:27.390 --> 01:51:29.369
be like, no, you're not including me. Right.

01:51:29.510 --> 01:51:32.130
No. I wouldn't cheer for that. That's you, Ari.

01:51:32.310 --> 01:51:34.369
But most unreasonable people would be like, me!

01:51:36.390 --> 01:51:42.590
It's mine! It's her birthday. Especially if you

01:51:42.590 --> 01:51:45.350
don't have special days. That's the only special

01:51:45.350 --> 01:51:48.149
day. Well, that and The Bachelorette. Most days

01:51:48.149 --> 01:51:50.510
suck, except for 90 Day Fiancé. When that's on,

01:51:50.550 --> 01:51:55.550
it's awesome. 90 Day Fiancé does rule. My lady

01:51:55.550 --> 01:51:57.390
watches that. That is a wild show. Do you jump

01:51:57.390 --> 01:52:00.229
in and watch? That's the one lady show I can

01:52:00.229 --> 01:52:01.409
sit down and watch. Well, you learn a lot. You

01:52:01.409 --> 01:52:04.310
want to talk about the threats to marriage. The

01:52:04.310 --> 01:52:07.470
threats of marriage. This is like... the argument

01:52:07.470 --> 01:52:10.210
against gay marriage. It's like bad for the institution.

01:52:10.510 --> 01:52:12.310
What is it? The institution of marriage. Like,

01:52:12.329 --> 01:52:14.270
what about this? What about a fucking reality

01:52:14.270 --> 01:52:18.289
show? A reality show where you decide to get

01:52:18.289 --> 01:52:20.329
married after 90 days? That's right. You date

01:52:20.329 --> 01:52:22.029
for 90 days and then you gotta get married. Fucking

01:52:22.029 --> 01:52:24.109
mind. You gotta pick one of these hoes? And that's

01:52:24.109 --> 01:52:26.729
not even close. There's other ones like The Bachelor

01:52:26.729 --> 01:52:28.949
or Love is Blind. They don't even talk to each

01:52:28.949 --> 01:52:32.029
other and then they get engaged. I know. It's

01:52:32.029 --> 01:52:35.130
bananas. 90 day though. That's way worse than

01:52:35.130 --> 01:52:36.199
gay marriage. And you don't know You don't know

01:52:36.199 --> 01:52:38.239
what they even look like until you meet them.

01:52:38.319 --> 01:52:42.479
You don't know anything. They're going to hell.

01:52:44.100 --> 01:52:47.460
90 Day makes America look great because they're

01:52:47.460 --> 01:52:52.560
willing to leave this country to go live in Pensacola

01:52:52.560 --> 01:52:55.699
in a condo. It's great for China. It's great

01:52:55.699 --> 01:52:57.619
for China. China's like, look at these idiots.

01:52:58.020 --> 01:53:01.229
Not learning math. Look what we're doing. Over

01:53:01.229 --> 01:53:03.789
in China, every day it's like fucking the ninja

01:53:03.789 --> 01:53:07.529
show. What's that ninja show? American Ninja?

01:53:09.449 --> 01:53:11.409
That's how it rolls. That's what I'm talking

01:53:11.409 --> 01:53:13.310
about. So they're all competing against each

01:53:13.310 --> 01:53:15.770
other. There's all fucking chest puffing and

01:53:15.770 --> 01:53:18.590
they're getting rid of all femininity on television.

01:53:18.590 --> 01:53:22.369
I bet China's TV is just ours 10, 15 years ago.

01:53:22.550 --> 01:53:25.489
I bet China's TV is ours if we had fucking control.

01:53:26.300 --> 01:53:30.140
Well, they don't let them watch our TikTok. You

01:53:30.140 --> 01:53:32.140
want state -controlled television? State -controlled.

01:53:32.359 --> 01:53:34.279
That's what I'm saying. But real men. America

01:53:34.279 --> 01:53:35.420
needs state -controlled television. But real

01:53:35.420 --> 01:53:38.739
men. Real men. Real men. Well, their TikTok is

01:53:38.739 --> 01:53:40.619
engineering videos. Just like enough nonsense.

01:53:40.960 --> 01:53:44.399
Daddy's home. Yeah. We need just Tom Hardy. Isn't

01:53:44.399 --> 01:53:46.600
it funny that that's like everybody really kind

01:53:46.600 --> 01:53:49.600
of wants the big daddy in the sky to take care

01:53:49.600 --> 01:53:55.720
of everything? That was a plot of Marvel. Every

01:53:55.720 --> 01:53:59.399
election. Thor's brother was like, you want to

01:53:59.399 --> 01:54:01.039
be led. You want to be led. Everybody's the big

01:54:01.039 --> 01:54:03.779
daddy in the sky. Who's got the clippy? You got

01:54:03.779 --> 01:54:07.720
the foreskin? Thank you. Oh, you're good. Oh,

01:54:07.739 --> 01:54:14.399
my God. Carl. Carl doesn't like ice. Carl, don't

01:54:14.399 --> 01:54:18.880
get banged, dude. He doesn't like Jews. Carl's

01:54:18.880 --> 01:54:21.119
definitely free Palestine. Oh, yeah. You think

01:54:21.119 --> 01:54:25.289
so? Carl's definitely up the raw. Carl looks

01:54:25.289 --> 01:54:27.310
grumpy. Carl looks like he reads a newspaper.

01:54:27.390 --> 01:54:32.010
I think Carl does now have strong convictions

01:54:32.010 --> 01:54:34.550
and he could be persuaded in either direction.

01:54:34.750 --> 01:54:37.289
Yeah. His eyes are about to pop out of his head.

01:54:37.289 --> 01:54:39.210
Carl could convert. If the Jews win this one,

01:54:39.350 --> 01:54:40.930
Carl could convert. He's going to go where the

01:54:40.930 --> 01:54:45.079
money is. If. Boy, if you want to convert to

01:54:45.079 --> 01:54:47.039
the Jews, they make it hard. You guys make it

01:54:47.039 --> 01:54:49.300
probably the hardest. I know. That test is crazy.

01:54:50.260 --> 01:54:53.699
There's a lot going on. You want to be sure you're

01:54:53.699 --> 01:54:55.359
ready. They don't make you take a tattoo, at

01:54:55.359 --> 01:54:57.739
least. How did Sammy Davis pass? That's such

01:54:57.739 --> 01:55:00.979
a wild flex for a woman to force you to convert.

01:55:01.180 --> 01:55:03.380
To get tattooed. It's a wild flex. Well, the

01:55:03.380 --> 01:55:06.579
foreskin looks better when it's gone. That's

01:55:06.579 --> 01:55:09.500
a wild one. You got to have a circumcision. You

01:55:09.500 --> 01:55:13.100
can make a chick convert. At 37, you got to clip

01:55:13.100 --> 01:55:16.039
your dick. Chop your forehead skin off and risk

01:55:16.039 --> 01:55:19.180
infection and death and the loss of your dick

01:55:19.180 --> 01:55:22.779
at 37. That's how good that pussy is. Yeah, well,

01:55:22.880 --> 01:55:25.119
my friend got circumcised at 33, and he's happy.

01:55:25.319 --> 01:55:27.220
By the way, tip for everybody, you can just lie

01:55:27.220 --> 01:55:29.340
to the in -laws and tell them you did it. You

01:55:29.340 --> 01:55:32.260
don't actually have to do it. What you just said

01:55:32.260 --> 01:55:36.699
is the ultimate anecdotal experience. My friend

01:55:36.699 --> 01:55:40.300
got his dick mutilated and he loves it. He kept

01:55:40.300 --> 01:55:43.779
getting infected. There's a lot of shmegma. Tell

01:55:43.779 --> 01:55:46.960
your friend to clean his dick. What kind of dirty

01:55:46.960 --> 01:55:50.920
motherfucker is constantly getting dick infections?

01:55:51.380 --> 01:55:55.920
He's Indian? Yeah. Indian fella. What are you

01:55:55.920 --> 01:55:58.079
blaming that on? Well, I'm just saying it's a

01:55:58.079 --> 01:56:01.439
lot of curry. Curry coming out of your dick?

01:56:01.520 --> 01:56:03.810
What are you doing? It's gross. Are you eating

01:56:03.810 --> 01:56:08.250
like an elephant? What? Tossing it into your

01:56:08.250 --> 01:56:13.010
mouth? Tossing fucking curry chicken into your

01:56:13.010 --> 01:56:15.229
mouth with your dick? Slumdog. That's ridiculous.

01:56:19.829 --> 01:56:22.229
Just saying. It gets in there. The bacteria.

01:56:22.750 --> 01:56:25.050
Yeah. Yes. Who's uncircumcised here? Anybody?

01:56:25.289 --> 01:56:28.850
No way. J -Mo. J -Mo. He's got a man -eater.

01:56:29.069 --> 01:56:31.109
Carl's uncircumcised. Carl. You uncircumcised

01:56:31.109 --> 01:56:33.029
Carl yet? Decent Red Rock. He's French. He's

01:56:33.029 --> 01:56:37.369
uncircumcised. I'll talk to a guy. I think we

01:56:37.369 --> 01:56:38.590
might have talked about it before. You guys ever

01:56:38.590 --> 01:56:41.409
see a dog's dick? Yeah, I see a dog's dick every

01:56:41.409 --> 01:56:43.130
day of the week. No, no. I'm talking about...

01:56:44.630 --> 01:56:46.970
My dog in the morning. No, no, I'm not talking

01:56:46.970 --> 01:56:48.069
about Rocky. Every time I see him, his dick comes

01:56:48.069 --> 01:56:49.529
out. I'm talking about the actual boner. The

01:56:49.529 --> 01:56:51.630
bone. Oh, yeah. The real boner. I've seen it.

01:56:51.649 --> 01:56:53.670
It's weird. It's fucking nuts, dude. It's a weird

01:56:53.670 --> 01:56:56.210
looking organ. At the old studio, we had a walrus

01:56:56.210 --> 01:56:58.789
one, a petrified walrus one. It was like giant.

01:56:59.090 --> 01:57:01.050
How old was that fucking thing? I don't know.

01:57:01.149 --> 01:57:04.770
Where is it? Where's that walrus? I am the walrus.

01:57:05.390 --> 01:57:07.170
Cuckoo -ca -choo. You ever see him get hooked

01:57:07.170 --> 01:57:08.789
up? Baculum. That's right. It's called a baculum.

01:57:09.149 --> 01:57:11.449
It's a bone. Steve Rinella. Shout out to Steve

01:57:11.449 --> 01:57:13.430
Rinella. You ever see him get hooked up? Two

01:57:13.430 --> 01:57:17.859
dogs? He's back, dude. I told you. He was too

01:57:17.859 --> 01:57:20.420
sober earlier. Now he's going. Now he's going,

01:57:20.539 --> 01:57:22.979
dude. What show is that guy on? Quantum Leap.

01:57:23.100 --> 01:57:26.600
That's right. Good show. That's right. Time travel

01:57:26.600 --> 01:57:30.260
show. Oh, yeah. Was that the early 2000s? No.

01:57:30.399 --> 01:57:34.279
Early 90s. Early 90s? Early 90s. Wait, is Quantum

01:57:34.279 --> 01:57:37.800
Leap the... Mid. There's one where he hops into

01:57:37.800 --> 01:57:43.880
a Down syndrome guy. He opens his bedroom door

01:57:43.880 --> 01:57:45.680
and the mirror shows a Down syndrome guy and

01:57:45.680 --> 01:57:50.420
he's like, I'm retarded. That's him. Do it from

01:57:50.420 --> 01:57:57.800
the beginning. He goes, I'm retarded. That's

01:57:57.800 --> 01:58:01.000
the language they used on dramas on TV back then.

01:58:07.340 --> 01:58:11.060
Oh, my God. By the way, that's how I wake up.

01:58:11.260 --> 01:58:14.939
I know. I was just going to say that. Oh, shit.

01:58:16.579 --> 01:58:18.699
By the way, every female comic is like, you know

01:58:18.699 --> 01:58:20.420
what it's like getting attacked by the way you

01:58:20.420 --> 01:58:22.859
look? I'm like, have you seen Gillis' page? It's

01:58:22.859 --> 01:58:26.640
just nothing but Tardville all day long. I love

01:58:26.640 --> 01:58:28.239
hearing that when it's like, you have no idea

01:58:28.239 --> 01:58:29.920
what it's like to get made fun of for how you

01:58:29.920 --> 01:58:33.560
look. I'm like, it's all I do. It's the only

01:58:33.560 --> 01:58:36.399
thing I do. But it's different. This is why.

01:58:36.500 --> 01:58:39.319
If you're a talented guy and you look like shit,

01:58:39.460 --> 01:58:41.800
you can still get laid. Well, hold on. I don't

01:58:41.800 --> 01:58:44.380
look like shit. I'm not saying you. I'm not saying

01:58:44.380 --> 01:58:47.800
you. Just retarded shit. Let's say someone far

01:58:47.800 --> 01:58:50.960
worse off than anyone in this room. You can still

01:58:50.960 --> 01:58:53.979
get beautiful women because you're talented.

01:58:54.159 --> 01:58:57.539
That does not work the opposite. True, but they

01:58:57.539 --> 01:59:00.760
can get puss or they can get dick without being

01:59:00.760 --> 01:59:03.359
talented and hot. And they cannot be hot and

01:59:03.359 --> 01:59:04.760
get dick. That's true. And not be hot and get

01:59:04.760 --> 01:59:06.539
dick. And they can be a seven and get real high

01:59:06.539 --> 01:59:08.800
-level dick. They cannot be attractive at all

01:59:08.800 --> 01:59:11.100
and get dick whenever. We're talking about mathematics.

01:59:11.619 --> 01:59:13.800
Well, we've all fucked a couple of twos. No,

01:59:13.800 --> 01:59:16.460
put those back on. I mean mathematics in the

01:59:16.460 --> 01:59:18.899
sense that, like, each thing has a value to it.

01:59:18.960 --> 01:59:23.260
And the more, like, wealthy, famous, like, what's

01:59:23.260 --> 01:59:25.479
that guy's name? That super, super fucking old

01:59:25.479 --> 01:59:29.140
dude that owned Fox? Rupert Murdoch. This dude

01:59:29.140 --> 01:59:31.960
is worth billions of dollars and got dick. divorced,

01:59:32.060 --> 01:59:34.659
right? Or he was going to get married, had this

01:59:34.659 --> 01:59:37.279
fiancée and she's like really into Christianity

01:59:37.279 --> 01:59:39.600
or something. The crazy thing is he was talking

01:59:39.600 --> 01:59:42.079
about the rest of his life. He was like the second

01:59:42.079 --> 01:59:46.479
half of my life. Wow. He's 90. If you see him

01:59:46.479 --> 01:59:47.619
walking around, you're like, this guy's crazy.

01:59:47.880 --> 01:59:50.460
But it's because this guy knows he can still

01:59:50.460 --> 01:59:53.279
sling dick. Stephen Hawking got laid. That was

01:59:53.279 --> 01:59:56.560
his lady. Whoa. That looks like a ball bag. Oh,

01:59:56.560 --> 01:59:58.359
he did it again. So he's got a new one. He's

01:59:58.359 --> 02:00:00.479
engaged again. She was a molecular biologist.

02:00:00.560 --> 02:00:03.319
Yo, he's 92. He just got engaged again. This

02:00:03.319 --> 02:00:05.729
is what I'm talking about. You got that? kind

02:00:05.729 --> 02:00:10.930
of cheddar. You can sling dick deep, deep into

02:00:10.930 --> 02:00:13.970
the 90s. There is not a woman who divorced Jerry

02:00:13.970 --> 02:00:16.289
Hall. The woman who was married to Mick Jagger.

02:00:16.350 --> 02:00:21.649
Easy, McAfee. He's slinging. Slinging. Maybe

02:00:21.649 --> 02:00:24.770
because women like competency. But this is the

02:00:24.770 --> 02:00:26.430
difference. Maybe they're attracted to competency.

02:00:26.529 --> 02:00:29.970
That's all it is. Which is fine. That's what

02:00:29.970 --> 02:00:33.000
people should be attracted to. That's what people

02:00:33.000 --> 02:00:36.420
should be attracted to. But this is why a woman

02:00:36.420 --> 02:00:39.260
can say, you don't know what it's like. Because

02:00:39.260 --> 02:00:41.460
you don't know what it's like. Because there's

02:00:41.460 --> 02:00:44.180
always this other thing. But I'd rather be the

02:00:44.180 --> 02:00:46.060
woman. I'd rather be the woman. She's better

02:00:46.060 --> 02:00:48.659
than me if you're hot. If you're hot. Or not

02:00:48.659 --> 02:00:51.180
hot. But if you're not hot, then you're judged

02:00:51.180 --> 02:00:53.340
unfavorably about something that you have no

02:00:53.340 --> 02:00:55.579
control over, and that's your value to a lot

02:00:55.579 --> 02:00:58.600
of people. That's the difference. There's a difference.

02:00:59.180 --> 02:01:02.939
Of course, the original statement, though, was

02:01:02.939 --> 02:01:06.840
female comics talk about people always comment

02:01:06.840 --> 02:01:10.100
on my looks. And it's like, that's all they do

02:01:10.100 --> 02:01:12.800
with me. I get it. It's just I think it has a

02:01:12.800 --> 02:01:15.300
different value for women. True, I can go, yeah,

02:01:15.319 --> 02:01:17.619
whatever. Yeah, shut the fuck up. I just sold

02:01:17.619 --> 02:01:22.279
out my ass. You know what I'm saying? There's

02:01:22.279 --> 02:01:24.960
a thing that separates you from everybody, and

02:01:24.960 --> 02:01:28.239
that's talent. And for a woman, it's like unattractiveness

02:01:28.239 --> 02:01:32.039
is the trumper. That's number one. A hot lady

02:01:32.039 --> 02:01:34.909
steals... But you banged ugly ladies. Not in

02:01:34.909 --> 02:01:40.989
my adult life. Only as a kid. I was a good -looking

02:01:40.989 --> 02:01:44.170
guy. I did well. Yeah, you did all right. I got

02:01:44.170 --> 02:01:46.310
lucky. I got lucky with jeans. But it's just

02:01:46.310 --> 02:01:48.729
if you're a woman and you don't get lucky, that's

02:01:48.729 --> 02:01:52.590
a bad sentence. Like if your whole world around

02:01:52.590 --> 02:01:54.770
you, especially today, that's one of the things

02:01:54.770 --> 02:01:56.869
that social media has fucked young girls up.

02:01:57.130 --> 02:01:59.550
Because you're looking at girls that are way

02:01:59.550 --> 02:02:02.800
hotter than you before they use filters. Right.

02:02:02.920 --> 02:02:05.159
Before they use filters. And then they throw

02:02:05.159 --> 02:02:07.460
filters on. They look insanely good, and you

02:02:07.460 --> 02:02:09.739
know there's not a fucking chance in hell. And

02:02:09.739 --> 02:02:11.579
that's their normal. The genes that you got dealt,

02:02:11.699 --> 02:02:14.560
the fucking hand of cards you got is going to

02:02:14.560 --> 02:02:15.939
compete with that. Yeah, but then you get to

02:02:15.939 --> 02:02:21.340
marry a nice guy. Yeah. Maybe. You're not in

02:02:21.340 --> 02:02:23.880
that world of like, here's me in a bikini picture.

02:02:24.279 --> 02:02:26.039
You're like, here's a nice guy. We're going to

02:02:26.039 --> 02:02:29.310
raise a family together. I don't know. There's

02:02:29.310 --> 02:02:31.449
some benefits to that. There's benefits to that.

02:02:31.449 --> 02:02:33.130
Maybe they're not in our world of fucking. But

02:02:33.130 --> 02:02:34.970
guess what? If Kim Kardashian wants to marry

02:02:34.970 --> 02:02:38.510
a nice guy, she can do. She cannot. If she decides

02:02:38.510 --> 02:02:41.390
to just go grab some nice guy. Well, he was the

02:02:41.390 --> 02:02:43.409
guy who was working on my house. Do you know

02:02:43.409 --> 02:02:44.630
what's going to happen if she marries a nice

02:02:44.630 --> 02:02:46.930
guy? Day one, TMZ is going to stick a camera

02:02:46.930 --> 02:02:48.649
in his face. He'll never be normal. He'll never

02:02:48.649 --> 02:02:49.689
go outside. He won't be nice. He'll stay at home

02:02:49.689 --> 02:02:51.430
and she'll just fuck him. He won't be nice again.

02:02:51.449 --> 02:02:53.810
She'll tie him to the bed and just fuck the shit

02:02:53.810 --> 02:02:55.789
out of him. She'll miss day one and they'll ruin

02:02:55.789 --> 02:02:59.279
him. Yeah. I don't know. Whatever. We're having

02:02:59.279 --> 02:03:03.680
fun now. Is it possible? Here's the thing. That's

02:03:03.680 --> 02:03:06.479
the super mind fuck is when people get famous,

02:03:06.619 --> 02:03:09.079
like Jordan Peterson style. When they get famous

02:03:09.079 --> 02:03:11.420
when they're older. He got hotter. He got higher

02:03:11.420 --> 02:03:14.340
and then went loony bins. What it is is he started

02:03:14.340 --> 02:03:16.380
eating only meat. Little bonkies. Little bonks.

02:03:16.460 --> 02:03:18.640
Yeah, he got little bonkies. What do you think

02:03:18.640 --> 02:03:20.600
is bonker? What do you say that's bonkers? He's

02:03:20.600 --> 02:03:22.260
a little bonkies. I don't know. He's famous,

02:03:22.380 --> 02:03:26.880
famous. Too famous? Entering rehab. Oh, but you

02:03:26.880 --> 02:03:30.600
know what that is? He, unfortunately, did not

02:03:30.600 --> 02:03:33.579
know the side effects of benzodiazepines. Yeah,

02:03:33.579 --> 02:03:37.239
yeah, yeah. Sounds like an actor. The guy just

02:03:37.239 --> 02:03:38.760
took them. He'll tell you. He took them because

02:03:38.760 --> 02:03:40.859
he was really struggling. But I think part of

02:03:40.859 --> 02:03:42.460
the reason why he's struggling is his wife is

02:03:42.460 --> 02:03:43.880
going through cancer. I thought he was supposed

02:03:43.880 --> 02:03:47.079
to be a smart guy. Read the label. It's crazy.

02:03:47.279 --> 02:03:50.079
I think a lot of people... Listen, man. Read

02:03:50.079 --> 02:03:53.840
the label. If you did something... Like if you

02:03:53.840 --> 02:03:57.140
play golf, you play golf, right? If I came to

02:03:57.140 --> 02:03:59.340
you, but I don't play it. So if I came to you,

02:03:59.460 --> 02:04:01.819
what's a thing that you do that I don't do? Golf,

02:04:01.920 --> 02:04:03.600
yeah. Okay. So if I came to you and go, how do

02:04:03.600 --> 02:04:06.079
you do this? Yeah. I would just listen. Because

02:04:06.079 --> 02:04:08.500
you do it and I don't do it. So if you're a doctor,

02:04:08.579 --> 02:04:10.579
a psychologist, you call your friend who's a

02:04:10.579 --> 02:04:12.319
psychiatrist and you say, I'm going through this.

02:04:12.359 --> 02:04:14.840
What should I do? Take this. Don't worry. You're

02:04:14.840 --> 02:04:16.539
going to feel way better. He takes Xanax. He

02:04:16.539 --> 02:04:18.479
feels way better. But he doesn't realize that

02:04:18.479 --> 02:04:20.840
there's one of two things that's commonly used

02:04:20.840 --> 02:04:23.079
that will kill you if you just jump off it. One's

02:04:23.079 --> 02:04:25.560
alcohol. The other is benzo. Oh, no. Is that

02:04:25.560 --> 02:04:29.020
right? Alcohol? If you're an alcoholic, if you're

02:04:29.020 --> 02:04:31.000
like a full -on, all -day drinking. And his doctor

02:04:31.000 --> 02:04:33.680
told him that? No, his doctor didn't tell him

02:04:33.680 --> 02:04:36.079
that. So he didn't realize that until he tried

02:04:36.079 --> 02:04:37.840
to get off of him. And it took like a fucking

02:04:37.840 --> 02:04:41.000
year, man. That guy got physically wrecked. Peterson

02:04:41.000 --> 02:04:43.739
rules. But yeah, anytime any of those intellectuals

02:04:43.739 --> 02:04:47.000
become famous, they kind of stink. And then when

02:04:47.000 --> 02:04:49.899
you get fully sucked into the culture war as

02:04:49.899 --> 02:04:52.500
an intellectual, either side, I don't love it.

02:04:52.800 --> 02:04:54.319
Yeah, because then it's like you're wasting all

02:04:54.319 --> 02:04:56.399
your mental energy on the culture war and not

02:04:56.399 --> 02:04:59.880
curing cancer or some social thing. But it's

02:04:59.880 --> 02:05:02.279
also to recognize that if you don't fight against

02:05:02.279 --> 02:05:04.260
this shit, it just keeps pushing and gaining

02:05:04.260 --> 02:05:07.500
more boundary, more ground. It moves the goalposts.

02:05:07.500 --> 02:05:10.380
It does. And you have to have really smart people.

02:05:10.779 --> 02:05:13.159
You just want to cry and spree. You want to cry

02:05:13.159 --> 02:05:15.899
and spree. I'm sorry about your voice, bro. Because

02:05:15.899 --> 02:05:19.640
he really feels that way. I know it seems crazy

02:05:19.640 --> 02:05:21.840
when you look at it out of context, but if you

02:05:21.840 --> 02:05:23.569
look at it, him crying in the context of the

02:05:23.569 --> 02:05:26.170
conversation, it's because he really feels that

02:05:26.170 --> 02:05:27.949
way. I go on crying sprees, but I keep them.

02:05:27.970 --> 02:05:30.069
Keep them online. Don't record. Don't record.

02:05:30.689 --> 02:05:35.210
He's not... He's just being himself. And he's

02:05:35.210 --> 02:05:37.170
being himself in front of all these people. In

02:05:37.170 --> 02:05:38.329
a three -piece suit. And he's being himself with

02:05:38.329 --> 02:05:40.149
all these people watching him. He's being himself

02:05:40.149 --> 02:05:41.810
in a three -piece suit. He's getting dressed

02:05:41.810 --> 02:05:43.930
up to go be himself. And the weird three -piece,

02:05:43.989 --> 02:05:45.729
sometimes they're like multicolored, like, what

02:05:45.729 --> 02:05:46.909
are you, a Batman? But he does that because he

02:05:46.909 --> 02:05:51.119
thinks it suits... It's cool. It's just fame

02:05:51.119 --> 02:05:54.220
ruins a lot of people's work. They're doing great

02:05:54.220 --> 02:05:56.199
work. The Kimmel, same sort of thing. It's like,

02:05:56.199 --> 02:05:57.979
eh, you guys are all becoming something else.

02:05:58.140 --> 02:05:59.960
But it's also because you're a part of a system.

02:06:00.859 --> 02:06:02.560
Jordan's not necessarily a part of a system.

02:06:02.640 --> 02:06:04.819
He's removed from a system. But then the problem

02:06:04.819 --> 02:06:06.720
becomes, are you all constantly fighting that

02:06:06.720 --> 02:06:10.140
system? Or are you just speaking about things

02:06:10.140 --> 02:06:11.439
the way you see them? Well, the question is,

02:06:11.460 --> 02:06:14.739
why is there a system fighting him? Why can't

02:06:14.739 --> 02:06:16.859
he just exist and talk about what he wants to

02:06:16.859 --> 02:06:18.779
talk about? Why is someone always coming down

02:06:18.779 --> 02:06:21.020
on him? Because he has a lot of influence. That's

02:06:21.020 --> 02:06:23.260
what I'm saying. But why can't he have an influence?

02:06:23.479 --> 02:06:24.960
Why do we have to attack him? It's because of

02:06:24.960 --> 02:06:27.579
the internet. It's because who likes him. It's

02:06:27.579 --> 02:06:29.039
just people arguing on the internet. They're

02:06:29.039 --> 02:06:30.760
like, Jordan Peterson rules. Listen to this quote.

02:06:31.000 --> 02:06:32.779
And then people that don't like the things you

02:06:32.779 --> 02:06:35.859
like are like, he's actually a Nazi. Right. And

02:06:35.859 --> 02:06:37.739
then the people that call him a Nazi are like,

02:06:37.779 --> 02:06:41.069
you're gay. But why do we have to be like this?

02:06:41.590 --> 02:06:43.430
I thought I had something there. No, you did.

02:06:44.369 --> 02:06:47.710
Nazis never been subjective before. It's a subjective

02:06:47.710 --> 02:06:49.869
term, which is weird. You're right. That's why

02:06:49.869 --> 02:06:52.250
you would infuriate me, that whole punch a Nazi

02:06:52.250 --> 02:06:55.130
thing. I was like, who decides who's a Nazi?

02:06:55.449 --> 02:07:00.090
He's been called a Nazi. Jew face 101. That's

02:07:00.090 --> 02:07:02.670
a fun one. And I was like, oh, all right. Well,

02:07:02.710 --> 02:07:04.710
they were calling Dave Smith a self -hating Jew.

02:07:04.850 --> 02:07:07.229
Yes, yes. Because he's criticizing the way Israel's

02:07:07.229 --> 02:07:09.829
bombing them. fucking shit out of Gaza. Free

02:07:09.829 --> 02:07:13.569
Palestine. The whole thing is so nuts, man. You

02:07:13.569 --> 02:07:15.090
guys are going a little overboard, dude. You

02:07:15.090 --> 02:07:17.189
got them. I'm on the side of Hamas. I like the

02:07:17.189 --> 02:07:20.409
way they're killing the Palestinians. You like

02:07:20.409 --> 02:07:24.250
how Hamas is killing Palestinians? Tunnels is

02:07:24.250 --> 02:07:26.770
one thing you guys can agree on. You're saying

02:07:26.770 --> 02:07:29.149
how Hamas is killing the Palestinians? Their

02:07:29.149 --> 02:07:31.069
own people. Yeah, when they line them up and

02:07:31.069 --> 02:07:32.829
execute all their fucking people running against

02:07:32.829 --> 02:07:36.000
them. Do they do that? Yeah, it's cool. Well,

02:07:36.520 --> 02:07:38.260
the Jews tried to have a ceasefire, and they

02:07:38.260 --> 02:07:41.300
wouldn't go with it. What? The Jews threw out

02:07:41.300 --> 02:07:42.920
a ceasefire, like, hey, let's do a ceasefire,

02:07:43.039 --> 02:07:45.720
and Palestine was like, nah. Nah, no deal. When

02:07:45.720 --> 02:07:50.939
was this? October 6th? No. The day before. The

02:07:50.939 --> 02:07:53.520
day before? Yeah, yeah, pull it up, J -Mo. I'm

02:07:53.520 --> 02:07:57.260
sure the terms dictate whether they say yes or

02:07:57.260 --> 02:07:58.800
no. You know what the wildest thing is? That

02:07:58.800 --> 02:08:00.960
there was protests in the streets for months,

02:08:01.060 --> 02:08:04.760
hundreds of thousands of people. Protesting Netanyahu.

02:08:05.460 --> 02:08:07.600
In Israel. Yeah, he's one of the leaders. You

02:08:07.600 --> 02:08:09.260
can be against your leaders without being against

02:08:09.260 --> 02:08:11.220
the countries. But it was right before it happened.

02:08:11.260 --> 02:08:13.819
For sure. And then what happened? Netanyahu was

02:08:13.819 --> 02:08:18.060
ready to throw down. No, he's ready to go, brother.

02:08:18.180 --> 02:08:20.319
Yeah, Netanyahu, Hamas, get rid of all the old

02:08:20.319 --> 02:08:22.220
guard. Get somebody young in there. Get some

02:08:22.220 --> 02:08:23.819
40 -year -olds in there to fucking stay high.

02:08:23.819 --> 02:08:24.979
The thing is, man, the people that have gone

02:08:24.979 --> 02:08:27.439
through this, you're not going to erase this.

02:08:28.039 --> 02:08:29.560
You're not going to erase the memory of what

02:08:29.560 --> 02:08:31.279
they did to Gaza. You're not going to erase the

02:08:31.279 --> 02:08:33.279
memory of what those people in Israel experienced

02:08:33.279 --> 02:08:35.760
when those dudes were fucking parachuting down

02:08:35.760 --> 02:08:38.659
and gunning people down and chasing down kids

02:08:38.659 --> 02:08:41.600
at a rave. You're not going to erase that. Uh

02:08:41.600 --> 02:08:45.060
-oh. What's she thinking? Hillary said it. Remember,

02:08:45.279 --> 02:08:47.739
there was a ceasefire on October 6th that Hamas

02:08:47.739 --> 02:08:50.479
broke by their barbaric assault on peaceful civilians.

02:08:50.760 --> 02:08:52.619
Scroll up so we can see that trustworthy picture.

02:08:52.859 --> 02:08:55.819
There she is. All right. What'd she say? There

02:08:55.819 --> 02:08:58.079
was a ceasefire. It did not hold because Hamas

02:08:58.079 --> 02:09:00.439
chose to break it. Oh, there you go. Hamas have

02:09:00.439 --> 02:09:02.539
consistently broken ceasefires over a number

02:09:02.539 --> 02:09:04.859
of years. If Dave Smith was here, Dave Smith

02:09:04.859 --> 02:09:06.899
would be able to lay this out. Yeah, I don't

02:09:06.899 --> 02:09:08.859
know anything. We need a real Jew, not a fucking

02:09:08.859 --> 02:09:12.140
phony. Well, I found out about Dave because of

02:09:12.140 --> 02:09:14.479
Ari's State of the Country. State of the Union.

02:09:14.539 --> 02:09:18.210
State of the Union address. Yeah, RIP. Smith's

02:09:18.210 --> 02:09:20.710
a smart guy. I can't keep up. Oh, he's a genius.

02:09:21.149 --> 02:09:23.350
He's one of the best at retaining information.

02:09:23.510 --> 02:09:24.670
Sometimes you talk about it and you're like,

02:09:24.750 --> 02:09:27.609
wait, wait, who? Say that again? Yeah, yeah.

02:09:27.770 --> 02:09:31.029
No, I mean he just can talk about basically any

02:09:31.029 --> 02:09:34.050
international crisis that he's investigated.

02:09:34.510 --> 02:09:37.069
He investigates things to the point of like he'll

02:09:37.069 --> 02:09:39.149
be able to tell you the root of the conflict.

02:09:39.489 --> 02:09:42.229
I'm sure his wife loves it. Oh, my God. That's

02:09:42.229 --> 02:09:44.510
got to be a tough household. Shut the fuck up.

02:09:44.710 --> 02:09:46.149
Yeah, yeah. There's no way he's only telling

02:09:46.149 --> 02:09:49.880
us that. He's telling her that, too. She's probably

02:09:49.880 --> 02:09:52.819
petrified. Back to the female comedian thing

02:09:52.819 --> 02:09:54.579
about you're looking retarded and that whole

02:09:54.579 --> 02:09:58.460
thing. Thank you. Well, what bugs me is it's

02:09:58.460 --> 02:10:01.960
all men's fault, but they judge each other. That's

02:10:01.960 --> 02:10:05.220
true, too. There's a lot of lady -on -lady judging

02:10:05.220 --> 02:10:07.500
of appearance. All this is going to go out the

02:10:07.500 --> 02:10:10.720
window with CRISPR. What's CRISPR? Genetic engineering.

02:10:11.000 --> 02:10:12.600
They're going to change people and turn them

02:10:12.600 --> 02:10:14.079
into fuckers. We'll get all hot chicks that are

02:10:14.079 --> 02:10:16.140
cool. Well, all we're talking about is body positivity,

02:10:16.300 --> 02:10:18.500
but everybody's getting Botox, lap band, and

02:10:18.500 --> 02:10:21.960
they're all on a Zimbic. Which one is it? Well,

02:10:22.100 --> 02:10:24.340
they don't want to die, but they want to pretend

02:10:24.340 --> 02:10:26.180
they're okay. And they want to pretend that it's

02:10:26.180 --> 02:10:28.979
fine to be exactly how you are. Because it's

02:10:28.979 --> 02:10:30.659
uncomfortable to deal with the fact that you've

02:10:30.659 --> 02:10:33.000
got to make some changes. And so let's not make

02:10:33.000 --> 02:10:36.199
people uncomfortable. Let's let China win. There

02:10:36.199 --> 02:10:39.779
you go. Let's let Russia win. Let's keep everybody

02:10:39.779 --> 02:10:43.979
weak and fat and stupid and lazy and addicted

02:10:43.979 --> 02:10:47.100
to their phones. Yeah. And then let's shut the

02:10:47.100 --> 02:10:49.579
power off. All right. You're just describing

02:10:49.579 --> 02:10:57.029
Shane. That wasn't a pun. Well, you've been working

02:10:57.029 --> 02:10:59.109
out. Son of a bitch. That wasn't a pun. Usually

02:10:59.109 --> 02:11:01.949
you're a pun guy. I got puns. Yeah, get a pun

02:11:01.949 --> 02:11:04.229
going. The puns are in the works. You can work

02:11:04.229 --> 02:11:05.729
out here with us tomorrow. You want to work out

02:11:05.729 --> 02:11:07.170
tomorrow? What's tomorrow? We're bringing it

02:11:07.170 --> 02:11:08.829
back. The comedian workout. Comedian workout.

02:11:09.050 --> 02:11:12.409
Oh. I got to fly home tomorrow. Son of a bitch.

02:11:12.409 --> 02:11:13.270
I thought you were home. I thought you lived

02:11:13.270 --> 02:11:15.449
here. No, I got to go to my parents' house. Ah.

02:11:15.710 --> 02:11:17.670
Oh, isn't that cute? We got a little fundraiser

02:11:17.670 --> 02:11:21.189
for the coffee shop. Oh, nice. Oh, yes. Promote

02:11:21.189 --> 02:11:23.930
it. Tomorrow. Nor in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.

02:11:23.989 --> 02:11:26.279
It's called Nor. So this will come out tomorrow,

02:11:26.460 --> 02:11:28.960
so they'll hear it. I'll be there. They'll get

02:11:28.960 --> 02:11:32.659
flooded. Yeah, that's probably a mistake. But

02:11:32.659 --> 02:11:36.199
it's called NORM. Check it out. N -O -R -M? N

02:11:36.199 --> 02:11:41.460
-O -U -R. NORM. Oh, NORM. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All

02:11:41.460 --> 02:11:44.079
right. It's a good coffee shop. You got to have

02:11:44.079 --> 02:11:47.020
a plug on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get

02:11:47.020 --> 02:11:49.180
a plug? Yeah, I talked about it. You heard the

02:11:49.180 --> 02:11:51.720
joke before. The opening. Oh, that's right. Oh,

02:11:52.199 --> 02:11:53.600
that's right. I didn't get to do the whole joke.

02:11:55.260 --> 02:12:00.500
Apple juice. So much more. Yeah, I burnt all

02:12:00.500 --> 02:12:01.399
my premises. You got away with a lot, though.

02:12:01.840 --> 02:12:04.220
You got away with a lot. Can you hand me one

02:12:04.220 --> 02:12:08.699
of those beers, Ari? How's the new... First of

02:12:08.699 --> 02:12:10.220
all, I got leaked that you were in a Tarantino

02:12:10.220 --> 02:12:12.800
thing, which I think was bullshit. I'm not. But

02:12:12.800 --> 02:12:14.859
then... I don't believe him. He's so big now.

02:12:15.020 --> 02:12:16.920
I don't believe him. Yeah. I feel like I'm talking

02:12:16.920 --> 02:12:18.720
to one of them UFO guys that's bullshitting me.

02:12:19.539 --> 02:12:21.539
There's a few of those UFO guys. I talk to them.

02:12:21.619 --> 02:12:22.819
I'm like, you're bullshitting me. If I was in

02:12:22.819 --> 02:12:25.199
the Tarantino movie, I would tell you guys. By

02:12:25.199 --> 02:12:26.880
the way, I would tell you right away. You son

02:12:26.880 --> 02:12:27.979
of a bitch. You're in a fucking Tarantino movie.

02:12:27.979 --> 02:12:29.640
It'd be the first thing I told you. I don't believe

02:12:29.640 --> 02:12:33.279
him at all. No. He's in the movie. I would tell

02:12:33.279 --> 02:12:34.739
you right away. I'd tell you guys everything.

02:12:36.100 --> 02:12:38.520
With blabbermouth. Tarantino's only got one movie

02:12:38.520 --> 02:12:40.029
left. I'd tell you immediately. If you're in

02:12:40.029 --> 02:12:42.489
Tarantino's last movie. That would be very cool.

02:12:42.649 --> 02:12:43.810
Did you meet with him? That's the first time

02:12:43.810 --> 02:12:46.989
I was like, what the fuck? No. Did you have any

02:12:46.989 --> 02:12:48.550
discussions about it? I've never met him in my

02:12:48.550 --> 02:12:49.550
life. He loves comedy. Did you have discussions

02:12:49.550 --> 02:12:51.229
about it through agents, through Jews? Never

02:12:51.229 --> 02:12:53.350
once. Powerful Jews. Jews haven't told me anything.

02:12:53.489 --> 02:12:56.350
He's the fucking man. I sit down and talk to

02:12:56.350 --> 02:12:59.430
him. He's like a legit movie genius. He's awesome.

02:12:59.689 --> 02:13:02.329
He's awesome. He's the man. Would you tell me

02:13:02.329 --> 02:13:04.689
about Reservoir Dogs? When they were like, you

02:13:04.689 --> 02:13:07.880
gotta put a woman in. And he's like, no. I just

02:13:07.880 --> 02:13:10.060
want to do the movie. Why would I do that? Didn't

02:13:10.060 --> 02:13:11.739
you tell me that? Or was it a different guy with

02:13:11.739 --> 02:13:13.420
your face? No, it wasn't me. It was another Jew.

02:13:13.460 --> 02:13:15.760
A different guy with your face. But I believe

02:13:15.760 --> 02:13:17.319
it. That's great. He's like, no, we're doing

02:13:17.319 --> 02:13:18.960
it that way. He's like, this is how we're doing

02:13:18.960 --> 02:13:20.899
the movie. You've got to get a woman in there.

02:13:21.020 --> 02:13:23.119
He's like, but it's about a bank robbery. And

02:13:23.119 --> 02:13:24.460
they all shoot each other. What are you talking

02:13:24.460 --> 02:13:26.840
about? They cut a guy's ear off. Yeah. Yeah.

02:13:26.960 --> 02:13:29.199
And he was like, no, I'm not doing it. And it

02:13:29.199 --> 02:13:32.079
was a hit. Wow. Just let people do their thing.

02:13:32.420 --> 02:13:35.750
Not a hit, though. Underground. Well, it led

02:13:35.750 --> 02:13:38.229
to Pulp Fiction. Yeah. That was the creative

02:13:38.229 --> 02:13:41.029
hit, not a financial hit. They were both speaking

02:13:41.029 --> 02:13:44.369
correctly. What was the guy that he was a partner

02:13:44.369 --> 02:13:47.930
with in the early days? Harvey Weinstein. I believe

02:13:47.930 --> 02:13:51.250
he is tied up right now with legal issues of

02:13:51.250 --> 02:13:53.430
an undisclosed environment. This says there were

02:13:53.430 --> 02:13:55.689
no female characters in Reservoir Dogs because

02:13:55.689 --> 02:13:57.609
the movie took place over the course of an hour

02:13:57.609 --> 02:14:01.029
in this warehouse after this robbery. These guys

02:14:01.029 --> 02:14:02.710
aren't going to bring their girlfriends to the

02:14:02.710 --> 02:14:05.220
robbery. Joe didn't happen to hire any women.

02:14:05.500 --> 02:14:08.079
We need to bring Drew Barrymore in there. We

02:14:08.079 --> 02:14:10.520
need to get a normal life. We got to raise this

02:14:10.520 --> 02:14:12.800
baby. You ruined your suit. You got blood all

02:14:12.800 --> 02:14:14.939
over it. When the piano starts in the movie,

02:14:15.060 --> 02:14:18.399
you're like, fast forward. Was that movie an

02:14:18.399 --> 02:14:23.680
homage to a Chinese or a Japanese movie? Probably.

02:14:24.420 --> 02:14:28.460
What's it, Jim? I'd fucking die. Jamie, that's

02:14:28.460 --> 02:14:30.619
not the type of backtalk we need. We need research,

02:14:30.659 --> 02:14:32.779
not backtalk. That guy. Has there ever been a

02:14:32.779 --> 02:14:35.319
guy that's never had one miss? You're going to

02:14:35.319 --> 02:14:37.159
be okay. Never had a miss. Never had a miss.

02:14:37.319 --> 02:14:41.300
You know what? One miss. What? What was that

02:14:41.300 --> 02:14:43.560
one? Hateful Eight? Hateful Eight. Still fun.

02:14:43.779 --> 02:14:45.699
Still fun. It's got moments. It's got moments.

02:14:46.159 --> 02:14:47.939
You talked about it for weeks later. It was still

02:14:47.939 --> 02:14:49.500
a great moment. I didn't love it. You didn't

02:14:49.500 --> 02:14:52.560
love it on the Tarantino level. Yes, of course.

02:14:52.760 --> 02:14:56.520
I was so excited for it because Django and Inglourious

02:14:56.520 --> 02:14:58.840
Basterds are fantastic. Amazing. Top banger.

02:14:58.840 --> 02:15:02.140
Top five for me. Inglourious Basterds. Me, Pulp.

02:15:02.300 --> 02:15:04.560
Yeah. Pulp was the first. Django was kind of

02:15:04.560 --> 02:15:07.119
like a little bit over the line of like reality.

02:15:07.380 --> 02:15:09.880
Holding the fucking body up with it. Django was

02:15:09.880 --> 02:15:13.659
so nice, dude. Yeah. But Hateful Eight. Dude,

02:15:13.739 --> 02:15:16.079
I loved it. It was so slow and tense. I liked

02:15:16.079 --> 02:15:17.319
it. When he's like, hey, put these handcuffs

02:15:17.319 --> 02:15:19.840
on. And he goes, no. And he puts it back. And

02:15:19.840 --> 02:15:20.899
you're like, fuck, some shit's going to go back

02:15:20.899 --> 02:15:22.960
down. He beat the hell out of Jennifer Jason

02:15:22.960 --> 02:15:25.039
Leigh. Oh, that was fun. I forgot about that.

02:15:25.239 --> 02:15:27.439
Look at her with her black eye. Bro, this movie

02:15:27.439 --> 02:15:29.560
has got some real Rihanna. She looks like Rosebud.

02:15:30.159 --> 02:15:33.279
Oh, yeah. This movie fucking ruled, dude. Movie

02:15:33.279 --> 02:15:38.439
ruled. It ruled. It's way too drawn out. You

02:15:38.439 --> 02:15:40.119
were expecting action. There was not a lot of

02:15:40.119 --> 02:15:41.899
action. But that was his response. That was him

02:15:41.899 --> 02:15:43.699
going, shut up. I'll do my own thing. It's a

02:15:43.699 --> 02:15:46.100
Western whodunit. Yeah. It's an awesome movie.

02:15:46.510 --> 02:15:49.489
You're going to be okay. Yeah. But Pulp Fiction

02:15:49.489 --> 02:15:51.689
still holds up. Pulp Fiction. I watched Pulp

02:15:51.689 --> 02:15:53.029
Fiction like a year ago. Amazing. Lost Best Movie

02:15:53.029 --> 02:15:56.100
to Forrest Gump. Gump rules. That's how dumb

02:15:56.100 --> 02:15:59.939
that fucking thing is. Gump is a little silly.

02:16:00.420 --> 02:16:04.220
Obviously. Obviously you love Forrest Gump. Get

02:16:04.220 --> 02:16:08.279
out of town. What is this type of thing? I don't

02:16:08.279 --> 02:16:10.180
understand this type of thing. It was a good

02:16:10.180 --> 02:16:13.939
movie. Gump ruled. Where's your pre -posting

02:16:13.939 --> 02:16:17.680
now? Gump was good. Gump was great, but it was

02:16:17.680 --> 02:16:23.170
no fucking Pulp Fiction. Shut up. No. Giant drop

02:16:23.170 --> 02:16:26.229
down. Guys, what are we talking about? Gump in

02:16:26.229 --> 02:16:29.750
Vietnam? Hilarious, dude. Gump's a comedy. Gump's

02:16:29.750 --> 02:16:33.610
a comedy. Gump is so good. Trips, dude. Gump's

02:16:33.610 --> 02:16:38.750
fucking his drill instructor being like, Gump,

02:16:38.790 --> 02:16:40.870
why did you put that weapon together so quickly,

02:16:41.010 --> 02:16:45.030
Private Gump? Because you told me to. Jesus Christ,

02:16:45.090 --> 02:16:48.840
you must have an IQ of 160. You are going to

02:16:48.840 --> 02:16:51.180
be a goddamn general someday. Go disassemble

02:16:51.180 --> 02:16:53.219
your weapon and continue. Tastes like cigarettes.

02:16:53.219 --> 02:16:55.180
Shawshank was that year too? And Jurassic Park?

02:16:55.200 --> 02:16:59.700
And JP? What a year! The 90s! Simultaneously.

02:17:00.889 --> 02:17:04.969
Gump. No, Pulp Fiction! Shut the fuck up! I'll

02:17:04.969 --> 02:17:08.010
go soundtrack for soundtrack on that. Dude, Shawshank

02:17:08.010 --> 02:17:09.350
Redemption ruled. Pulp Fiction soundtrack was

02:17:09.350 --> 02:17:11.350
legendary. Shawshank Redemption ruled, for sure.

02:17:11.690 --> 02:17:14.090
Pulp Fiction had the best soundtrack. By far

02:17:14.090 --> 02:17:16.370
the best. Man, the 90s were good. They reinvented

02:17:16.370 --> 02:17:18.409
the idea of a soundtrack. Hold on, Pulp Fiction

02:17:18.409 --> 02:17:20.850
over Gump soundtrack? It reinvented the whole,

02:17:20.930 --> 02:17:23.309
what is a soundtrack? No, no. Gump's soundtrack

02:17:23.309 --> 02:17:25.909
was literally the quintessential American. It's

02:17:25.909 --> 02:17:28.520
classic rock. It's America. Run it on MTV. Also

02:17:28.520 --> 02:17:31.299
true. Also true. Also true. But both Pulp Fiction

02:17:31.299 --> 02:17:33.500
was like, we're having bands you've never remembered.

02:17:33.840 --> 02:17:36.139
They're so cool. Yeah, there's a difference.

02:17:36.479 --> 02:17:37.700
There's a difference. I mean, it's not even close.

02:17:37.780 --> 02:17:40.020
Fortunate Son, let's go. This is just a collection

02:17:40.020 --> 02:17:43.500
of popular songs. Exactly. Well, this is mainstream.

02:17:43.860 --> 02:17:46.459
What are you talking about? Ari's right. This

02:17:46.459 --> 02:17:48.260
is the most essential American song. It's great.

02:17:48.520 --> 02:17:49.899
It's great. This is the definition of American

02:17:49.899 --> 02:17:51.540
songs. Girl, you'll be a woman soon. I've never

02:17:51.540 --> 02:17:54.040
heard that song. I'm like, what is this? Listen,

02:17:54.159 --> 02:17:56.459
Pulp Fiction fucking rules. I would probably

02:17:56.459 --> 02:17:58.959
rather. Jungle Boogie. He's rediscovering old

02:17:58.959 --> 02:18:00.799
bands that were like, Son of a Preacher Man,

02:18:00.860 --> 02:18:02.219
where you're like, I don't even remember this

02:18:02.219 --> 02:18:03.340
song. Well, this is mainstream. Let's make it

02:18:03.340 --> 02:18:05.579
popular again. Mainstream versus indie. Yeah.

02:18:06.059 --> 02:18:07.819
It's not just that. Forrest Gump was mainstream,

02:18:07.959 --> 02:18:09.219
which was like, here are the biggest hits of

02:18:09.219 --> 02:18:11.079
each year. But still great songs. Yeah, they

02:18:11.079 --> 02:18:13.600
both rule. They both rule. We're arguing. We

02:18:13.600 --> 02:18:15.280
can have both. That's the problem with arguments

02:18:15.280 --> 02:18:17.860
of who's bigger. That's the problem with awards.

02:18:18.120 --> 02:18:20.860
It reached number 21. Fired up. We need the right

02:18:20.860 --> 02:18:22.979
and the left. J -Mo, let's fire it up. Let's

02:18:22.979 --> 02:18:25.579
find top sales of all time. I guarantee Forrest

02:18:25.579 --> 02:18:28.489
Gump. Soundtrack might be high in the number

02:18:28.489 --> 02:18:30.790
21. Listen, Forrest Gump was a great movie. Guys,

02:18:30.790 --> 02:18:32.170
why are we saying that? It doesn't mean that

02:18:32.170 --> 02:18:35.170
it's not really in competition with Pulp Fiction,

02:18:35.170 --> 02:18:37.069
nor should it be. They're two different kinds

02:18:37.069 --> 02:18:39.030
of things. They're two different movies. They're

02:18:39.030 --> 02:18:40.930
two different kinds of things. But to sit here

02:18:40.930 --> 02:18:43.090
and say Pulp Fiction should have won is crazy.

02:18:43.090 --> 02:18:44.969
It should have won. Number seven. I think it's

02:18:44.969 --> 02:18:46.909
a better movie. Way better movie. More iconic.

02:18:47.149 --> 02:18:49.229
More lovely. More iconic. More people love it.

02:18:49.290 --> 02:18:50.850
I don't know about iconic. Wait, what? More people

02:18:50.850 --> 02:18:52.370
love it. Cooler people love it. You're just saying

02:18:52.370 --> 02:18:56.709
dumb things. That way to catch up. There's no

02:18:56.709 --> 02:19:01.010
stats to back his claim. In the face of evidence

02:19:01.010 --> 02:19:04.309
that shows that Forrest Gump is a superior product,

02:19:04.469 --> 02:19:08.209
according to the Marketplace, Ari Shaffir rejects

02:19:08.209 --> 02:19:10.969
this in favor of just filibustering. Dude, obviously

02:19:10.969 --> 02:19:12.950
Pulp Fiction was a cooler movie. He's defending

02:19:12.950 --> 02:19:15.149
his career. You're cool. You have to be cool.

02:19:15.229 --> 02:19:18.370
Yeah, exactly. Urge Overkill is cool. It's cool.

02:19:18.690 --> 02:19:20.930
Discovering new bands is cool. That soundtrack

02:19:20.930 --> 02:19:24.159
was awesome. I mean, I've actually never heard

02:19:24.159 --> 02:19:26.659
anyone say the Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome.

02:19:26.840 --> 02:19:29.860
What? Nobody. No, they put together a lot of

02:19:29.860 --> 02:19:32.200
great tunes. Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome.

02:19:32.260 --> 02:19:33.920
Yeah, I don't remember it at all. Let's see what

02:19:33.920 --> 02:19:35.760
it is. I was out that year. It's unbelievable.

02:19:36.239 --> 02:19:38.260
We're going to go on the billboard. You son of

02:19:38.260 --> 02:19:39.319
a bitch. Time has come today. We're going to

02:19:39.319 --> 02:19:40.799
go on the billboard. Oh, my God. Look at what

02:19:40.799 --> 02:19:42.399
we got here. Fortunate Son. The album went to

02:19:42.399 --> 02:19:44.959
number two? Wow. Fortunate Son. Come on, son.

02:19:44.959 --> 02:19:47.159
Hound Dog by Elvis. Respect by Otis Redding.

02:19:47.159 --> 02:19:48.360
No, no, yeah, yeah. They're better songs. It's

02:19:48.360 --> 02:19:50.860
just as a soundtrack. It's just like. Buffalo

02:19:50.860 --> 02:19:53.819
Spring, The Doors, Garfunkel, get out of here.

02:19:53.840 --> 02:19:58.280
Fuck up, Ari. Goddamn you. You Zionist. How are

02:19:58.280 --> 02:20:01.100
these all in there? Put the headphones on. You're

02:20:01.100 --> 02:20:03.139
being obnoxious and annoying. Put your headphones

02:20:03.139 --> 02:20:05.959
on. You stepped on all of us, you fucking Zionist.

02:20:05.959 --> 02:20:08.200
Put the headphones on. Free Palestine. Put the

02:20:08.200 --> 02:20:10.659
headphones on. You colonized this fucking conversation,

02:20:10.860 --> 02:20:14.680
bro. Yeah, go back to the tunnel. I hate you,

02:20:14.780 --> 02:20:16.639
dude. What movies do they play in the tunnels?

02:20:16.979 --> 02:20:18.920
Tunnel Wild, right? What do they play in the

02:20:18.920 --> 02:20:20.299
tunnels? It's just Schindler's List. Tell me

02:20:20.299 --> 02:20:21.600
what you know about the tunnel. What does the

02:20:21.600 --> 02:20:22.959
email list tell you? They still won't talk. Put

02:20:22.959 --> 02:20:24.440
your headphones on so we don't talk over each

02:20:24.440 --> 02:20:25.959
other. No, we're all talking over each other.

02:20:26.120 --> 02:20:27.620
You're the only one that's talking. Everybody

02:20:27.620 --> 02:20:29.620
pauses when other people start talking because

02:20:29.620 --> 02:20:36.120
you have headphones on. I don't know what you're

02:20:36.120 --> 02:20:39.860
talking about. Joe, you should have seen your

02:20:39.860 --> 02:20:44.520
face. I got weird in Commando. I was hoping Ari

02:20:44.520 --> 02:20:46.680
was too fucked up to notice. He goes, we're all

02:20:46.680 --> 02:20:48.079
wearing headphones. That's all I'm going to go.

02:20:49.020 --> 02:20:52.680
No, literally nobody is. At least Norman's got

02:20:52.680 --> 02:20:54.659
him. I call you married again. Just put him on.

02:20:55.280 --> 02:20:57.379
Norman's got him around his chin. He can at least

02:20:57.379 --> 02:21:00.959
keep up. You know what else is nice? What? Remember

02:21:00.959 --> 02:21:03.729
the Titans soundtrack. That was a good soundtrack.

02:21:03.930 --> 02:21:06.329
Another great classic. How about Vision Quest?

02:21:06.989 --> 02:21:09.809
Vision Quest? Yeah. What's that? Movie from the

02:21:09.809 --> 02:21:12.110
90s about a wrestler. You fucking stoner. I never

02:21:12.110 --> 02:21:13.110
heard of that. It might not even be from the

02:21:13.110 --> 02:21:15.850
90s. It might be like 89. 80s. It was a movie

02:21:15.850 --> 02:21:18.690
about, it might be like late 80s now that I think

02:21:18.690 --> 02:21:22.290
about it. 85, 86. It's a movie about a wrestler.

02:21:22.409 --> 02:21:24.489
Matthew Modine. We're not allowed to play music?

02:21:25.069 --> 02:21:27.629
No, we can't. Did you see Iron Claw? I didn't.

02:21:27.649 --> 02:21:30.290
Oh, you would like it. You sure? It's heavy duty.

02:21:30.430 --> 02:21:34.870
What is it? Oh, come on, J -Mo. What's Ironclaw?

02:21:35.049 --> 02:21:37.950
Is it a kung fu movie? It's about the, what is

02:21:37.950 --> 02:21:39.930
it? Wrestling Brothers. Van Who's? Yeah, yeah.

02:21:40.030 --> 02:21:42.989
What's the name? Oh, that's the one where Homeboy,

02:21:43.129 --> 02:21:45.729
the handsome fella. Yeah, Zac Efron. Zac Efron.

02:21:45.829 --> 02:21:49.290
It's really well done and sad as shit. Oh, bro.

02:21:49.690 --> 02:21:51.950
Fucking the pro wrestling world is mostly sad

02:21:51.950 --> 02:21:54.649
at the end. Well, it's like the dark days of

02:21:54.649 --> 02:21:58.950
wrestling. Like open mic, high school gym shit.

02:21:59.600 --> 02:22:01.719
By the way, all those open mic high school gym

02:22:01.719 --> 02:22:04.219
wrestling matches, that's part of your ticket

02:22:04.219 --> 02:22:07.479
that you get punched for CTE. You got that right.

02:22:07.719 --> 02:22:10.120
Look at that. There's the handsome guy. Zach

02:22:10.120 --> 02:22:13.799
Efron. Jesus Christ. That's the real family with

02:22:13.799 --> 02:22:16.739
the dad. It's a tragic family, man. I heard the

02:22:16.739 --> 02:22:18.860
movie's awesome. I have not seen it. Is that

02:22:18.860 --> 02:22:23.319
Vader? I was confusing it with the Man with the

02:22:23.319 --> 02:22:25.979
Iron Fist. No, very different. Which has got

02:22:25.979 --> 02:22:28.040
a fucking great soundtrack. Really well done.

02:22:28.079 --> 02:22:31.360
Holy shit, that's a good soundtrack. Man with

02:22:31.360 --> 02:22:33.840
the Iron Fist? Yeah. Wu -Tang? Yeah. Oh, my God,

02:22:34.200 --> 02:22:37.260
dude. And there's also, there's a Wu -Tang. Spirit

02:22:37.260 --> 02:22:39.360
in the Sky. Any soundtrack with Spirit in the

02:22:39.360 --> 02:22:41.680
Sky. There's a Wu -Tang Black Keys collaboration.

02:22:42.299 --> 02:22:45.360
Whoa! Really? Yeah, man. The Baddest Man Alive.

02:22:45.479 --> 02:22:47.540
The Black Clan. That was Wu -Tang with them?

02:22:48.409 --> 02:22:50.610
One song? One of the members of Wu -Tang. One

02:22:50.610 --> 02:22:52.190
of the members of Wu -Tang. Interesting. Not

02:22:52.190 --> 02:22:56.489
Inspector Dick. Who was it? RZA. RZA. RZA did

02:22:56.489 --> 02:22:58.809
the whole soundtrack. One of them cut their dick

02:22:58.809 --> 02:23:01.270
off. To what? What? Yeah, one of the Wu -Tang.

02:23:01.489 --> 02:23:04.649
Cut their dick off. No way. Yeah, give it a go.

02:23:04.829 --> 02:23:07.510
That's right. Swear to God. Yeah, one of the

02:23:07.510 --> 02:23:12.940
lesser known associates. Method Woman? Come on,

02:23:12.940 --> 02:23:15.760
man. Specter Dickless. Isn't the jizzle like

02:23:15.760 --> 02:23:18.319
a master level chess player? Like a high level

02:23:18.319 --> 02:23:20.840
chess player? Is that jizzle anymore? Not the

02:23:20.840 --> 02:23:22.420
jizzle, the jizzle. I think the jizzle is too.

02:23:22.600 --> 02:23:24.340
Oh, I like that. With the jizzle specifically.

02:23:25.239 --> 02:23:28.159
Are we listening to music? We can't. We can't

02:23:28.159 --> 02:23:29.780
play it. Damn, you two, you cunt. I don't know

02:23:29.780 --> 02:23:32.620
why I keep asking. It's a great, it's, yeah,

02:23:32.719 --> 02:23:35.020
that is annoying. Yeah, remember we played a

02:23:35.020 --> 02:23:36.959
whole Freebird on here. What was that we played?

02:23:36.959 --> 02:23:40.059
Oh, my God, that was glorious. Glorious. I talk

02:23:40.059 --> 02:23:44.739
too much. No, you didn't talk too much. I read

02:23:44.739 --> 02:23:49.860
the comments. What's that? Yeah. So you get the

02:23:49.860 --> 02:23:53.520
comments, you lose the music. Hit it. There you

02:23:53.520 --> 02:23:58.719
go, Fetty. Put it down. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah.

02:23:59.819 --> 02:24:03.159
We need some uncopywritten versions of this song.

02:24:03.319 --> 02:24:04.620
Like, call in with a few. But you can't even

02:24:04.620 --> 02:24:08.059
do a cover. It's a cover's a problem. They'll

02:24:08.059 --> 02:24:12.600
nick you with a cover. I don't fucking take that

02:24:12.600 --> 02:24:16.700
cover, man. They'll nick you. They'll steal from

02:24:16.700 --> 02:24:20.860
you. My favorite one was Connor's. When he was

02:24:20.860 --> 02:24:25.260
talking about you when Khabib. And he's like,

02:24:25.399 --> 02:24:29.459
that's an illegal knee. Shut up, Joe, you fool.

02:24:29.479 --> 02:24:34.159
Yeah. Call the police. That's an illegal knee.

02:24:34.219 --> 02:24:37.440
Listen, I have to do commentary on the rules.

02:24:37.860 --> 02:24:41.040
No, you have to. If someone lands an illegal

02:24:41.040 --> 02:24:42.700
knee, I have to let the audience know it's illegal.

02:24:43.120 --> 02:24:47.399
Connor was talking about the fired up. Yeah.

02:24:47.540 --> 02:24:49.559
Talking about the commentary. He gets fired up.

02:24:49.559 --> 02:24:51.719
He gets on Twitter. He gets on voice Twitter.

02:24:51.979 --> 02:24:55.270
He's the only guy on earth that uses it. I'm

02:24:55.270 --> 02:24:59.069
in your wife's DMs, Joe. Shut up, Joe. You fool,

02:24:59.170 --> 02:25:02.790
yeah. Remember the Reebok? Well, this is the

02:25:02.790 --> 02:25:04.610
Springbok. Yes, let me hear it. It's so good.

02:25:05.250 --> 02:25:08.370
That was an illegal knee on the head of a grounded

02:25:08.370 --> 02:25:15.290
opponent. Shut up, Joe, you little fool. Listen,

02:25:16.090 --> 02:25:19.909
this is my thing. I think not only should it

02:25:19.909 --> 02:25:22.629
be legal. I think all knees on the ground should

02:25:22.629 --> 02:25:25.569
be legal, 100%. I think knees to a grounded opponent

02:25:25.569 --> 02:25:27.670
to the head should be legal. The only problem

02:25:27.670 --> 02:25:29.309
with that is the cage. It's the only problem

02:25:29.309 --> 02:25:31.329
because you can't move your head out of the way.

02:25:31.409 --> 02:25:33.389
If someone's got your head pinned against the

02:25:33.389 --> 02:25:35.709
cage and they knee you in the face, that's disastrous.

02:25:36.110 --> 02:25:38.250
But every other place, I feel like you should

02:25:38.250 --> 02:25:39.670
be able to knee somebody in the head. On top,

02:25:39.870 --> 02:25:41.969
on the bottom, it would stop stalling. It would

02:25:41.969 --> 02:25:43.889
stop people hanging out in the turtle position.

02:25:43.989 --> 02:25:45.610
You wouldn't be able to. There's a lot of reasons

02:25:45.610 --> 02:25:47.549
to stop. You should have knees on the ground.

02:25:47.649 --> 02:25:50.270
So I think what he did 100 % should be legal.

02:25:50.350 --> 02:25:52.069
If you're on your back and a guy's on top of

02:25:52.069 --> 02:25:53.909
you, you can knee him in the head. That should

02:25:53.909 --> 02:25:56.409
be legal. There you go. Significant advantage

02:25:56.409 --> 02:25:58.790
of being on top. Shut up, Joe. But you should

02:25:58.790 --> 02:26:00.149
also be able to knee him in the head if you're

02:26:00.149 --> 02:26:03.170
on top. That's like realistic. That's what fighting

02:26:03.170 --> 02:26:04.629
really is. That was during the Khabib fight?

02:26:04.690 --> 02:26:07.399
Sure. There's no chance he was on top throwing

02:26:07.399 --> 02:26:08.639
knees during the game. No, he was on the bottom.

02:26:08.700 --> 02:26:10.420
That was the thing. Even on the bottom, it's

02:26:10.420 --> 02:26:11.659
illegal. On the bottom, you're not allowed? Yeah.

02:26:12.260 --> 02:26:15.059
Because he's also got a knee on the mat. Exactly.

02:26:15.139 --> 02:26:17.299
So if a guy's grounded, he's on top of you in

02:26:17.299 --> 02:26:19.239
side control, right? So a guy's on top of you.

02:26:19.260 --> 02:26:21.780
His head is here. If you lift your knee up, you

02:26:21.780 --> 02:26:23.479
can just slam his knee from here. You can just

02:26:23.479 --> 02:26:26.319
slam his knee into your head. It's illegal. You

02:26:26.319 --> 02:26:29.819
can't throw a knee or a kick to a grounded opponent

02:26:29.819 --> 02:26:33.319
in the face. Nice. Fire him up, dude. Tell that

02:26:33.319 --> 02:26:37.360
to Don Fry. Well, in the early days, everything

02:26:37.360 --> 02:26:42.040
was legal. In Pride, they used to stomp. They

02:26:42.040 --> 02:26:47.420
used to do soccer kicks and stomps. Back before

02:26:47.420 --> 02:26:50.680
Pride was about fucking dudes. They love knees.

02:26:51.040 --> 02:26:54.360
They're always on the knees. Here's a good question

02:26:54.360 --> 02:26:55.979
for you, Ari. Yeah. Because you're the gayest

02:26:55.979 --> 02:26:58.360
person here. I agree. What do you got? Who is

02:26:58.360 --> 02:27:00.620
the gayest person here? You look like you own

02:27:00.620 --> 02:27:02.340
a gun range. Women are swooning over me. You

02:27:02.340 --> 02:27:05.020
guys own a ship. Women swoon over you? When did

02:27:05.020 --> 02:27:08.340
pride become automatically associated with gay?

02:27:08.379 --> 02:27:10.379
Gay? That's a big shift. Oh, interesting. That

02:27:10.379 --> 02:27:13.719
is. Over UFC. Like, if you just say pride. First

02:27:13.719 --> 02:27:16.610
it was MMA. Well, it used to be America. It used

02:27:16.610 --> 02:27:18.989
to be America. It was the first pride thing.

02:27:19.010 --> 02:27:21.610
Well, they're called Proud Boys. If you say you

02:27:21.610 --> 02:27:23.489
had pride, though, you would say you had pride

02:27:23.489 --> 02:27:25.290
in America. Remember that Norm joke about that?

02:27:25.549 --> 02:27:29.870
Yes! I love that joke. Can I get a little music

02:27:29.870 --> 02:27:36.879
from you, Mr. Shafir? America! America. That's

02:27:36.879 --> 02:27:40.680
the IDF talking. America. Fuck yeah. Stop it

02:27:40.680 --> 02:27:44.979
again. Yeah. You took it down there, Fanny. Nice.

02:27:44.979 --> 02:27:47.780
I pay taxes. That's great. Oh, shit. I pay taxes.

02:27:47.799 --> 02:27:49.440
I live in this country. All right. Easy, Mike.

02:27:49.440 --> 02:27:55.020
Texas rules. Let me have my goddamn beer. Stonewall.

02:27:55.040 --> 02:27:58.049
70. Bro, stay away from that. I got a joke on

02:27:58.049 --> 02:28:00.909
this. So, in 1970... Stay away from Stonewall,

02:28:00.909 --> 02:28:02.069
dude. I got a joke on this. No, but still...

02:28:02.069 --> 02:28:04.010
Stonewall and the Lesbos. But still, back then...

02:28:04.010 --> 02:28:06.049
Gates didn't even have the fucking manhood to

02:28:06.049 --> 02:28:07.690
defend themselves. The Lesbos took it. Stay away

02:28:07.690 --> 02:28:09.110
from Stonewall, dude. That's my one good joke

02:28:09.110 --> 02:28:13.190
I got right now. Please. I'm moving on. So, 1970.

02:28:14.120 --> 02:28:17.139
It was 1970. With pride. Yeah, but that's when

02:28:17.139 --> 02:28:19.159
they started calling it gay pride. 1970. But

02:28:19.159 --> 02:28:21.879
it wasn't. The word pride wasn't synonymous with

02:28:21.879 --> 02:28:24.139
gay. Yeah. Because the gays steal things. They

02:28:24.139 --> 02:28:26.440
took the rainbow. They took pride. Oh, yeah.

02:28:27.639 --> 02:28:29.440
You ever see the Black Power speech? When the

02:28:29.440 --> 02:28:31.579
guy invented black power? No. Oh, Martin Luther

02:28:31.579 --> 02:28:34.139
King took a day off one of the rally. campaigns

02:28:34.139 --> 02:28:36.000
and this guy was like waiting for the opportunity

02:28:36.000 --> 02:28:38.459
he goes fuck white power fuck white power how

02:28:38.459 --> 02:28:40.139
about us how about black power and they all start

02:28:40.139 --> 02:28:42.579
chanting it he's such a good speaker and he goes

02:28:42.579 --> 02:28:44.639
it's too late martin luther king got back it

02:28:44.639 --> 02:28:46.979
was too late it had caught on Who's this guy?

02:28:47.120 --> 02:28:49.520
I don't know. You made this story up? It's possible.

02:28:49.920 --> 02:28:52.079
I don't think I did. You son of a bitch. I don't

02:28:52.079 --> 02:28:54.620
think I did. This is how Flat Earth got started.

02:28:54.979 --> 02:28:58.059
I don't think I did. They speak confidently.

02:28:58.200 --> 02:29:00.579
They say a bunch of nonsense. It's 50 -50. Both

02:29:00.579 --> 02:29:03.520
that I made it up and it's 100 % truth. I can't

02:29:03.520 --> 02:29:06.139
tell you. I wish we had the fucking internet.

02:29:06.260 --> 02:29:08.739
I wish we had Fred Hampton give a speech, dude.

02:29:09.280 --> 02:29:12.459
That would get the people going. I am a revolutionary.

02:29:13.639 --> 02:29:17.000
I die for the people. Come on. Did you just delete

02:29:17.000 --> 02:29:18.379
a scene from Forrest Gump since we were just

02:29:18.379 --> 02:29:21.180
talking about that? Oh, yeah. What is this? No,

02:29:21.239 --> 02:29:23.680
this is wild, dude. It's Forrest Gump was hanging

02:29:23.680 --> 02:29:25.639
out with Martin Luther King. Yeah, they had to

02:29:25.639 --> 02:29:28.020
get rid of this scene, but it's good. Smart move.

02:29:28.079 --> 02:29:29.540
There's no sound on this for some reason. Why

02:29:29.540 --> 02:29:31.360
did they have to get rid of this? Well, they

02:29:31.360 --> 02:29:35.260
raised a kid. He's playing. They just had a cup

02:29:35.260 --> 02:29:37.120
of coffee. The scene he comes over, all the dogs

02:29:37.120 --> 02:29:39.040
are trying to attack him, and he gets a stick,

02:29:39.040 --> 02:29:40.700
and he throws it, and all the German chefs are

02:29:40.700 --> 02:29:43.479
trying to win. He's like, sorry about that. It's

02:29:43.479 --> 02:29:45.139
too ridiculous. Oh, my God. That's so ridiculous.

02:29:47.700 --> 02:29:54.379
Whoa! They would have torn him to shreds. Oh,

02:29:54.479 --> 02:29:57.399
he would have had zero chance staying alive.

02:29:57.479 --> 02:30:01.319
He would have had no skin left. That's actually

02:30:01.319 --> 02:30:04.459
offensive. What? I think even back then they

02:30:04.459 --> 02:30:07.379
were like, we got to cut that. That's so ridiculous.

02:30:07.620 --> 02:30:09.719
All they had to do was toss the stick back and

02:30:09.719 --> 02:30:11.620
civil rights would have been accomplished. I'm

02:30:11.620 --> 02:30:13.620
willing to buy that he's awesome at ping pong.

02:30:14.159 --> 02:30:18.440
Yeah, exactly. I will go that far. It was ridiculous

02:30:18.440 --> 02:30:20.579
in the right way. I'm a great actor. I will go

02:30:20.579 --> 02:30:23.079
that far with ping pong. You can't tell me. Yes,

02:30:23.079 --> 02:30:25.659
Mark. Wild. Yes, it's about time, Mark. No one

02:30:25.659 --> 02:30:28.340
from the African -American community could have

02:30:28.340 --> 02:30:31.190
figured that out. No dude was good at dogs. Hold

02:30:31.190 --> 02:30:33.870
on a second. He has a rapist uncle? What is this?

02:30:34.069 --> 02:30:43.450
From Home Alone. Jack! Oh! That's funny. You

02:30:43.450 --> 02:30:46.590
can't do that anymore. There's so much implied.

02:30:47.010 --> 02:30:50.030
This is like day one. You can't pants a kid?

02:30:50.649 --> 02:30:54.229
Not these days anymore. That's crazy. I've been

02:30:54.229 --> 02:30:59.239
pantsing kids my whole childhood. That balding

02:30:59.239 --> 02:31:03.600
old man who has zero chance of pussy can't pants

02:31:03.600 --> 02:31:06.159
kids. Yeah. Come on. He can't do it. Mark can

02:31:06.159 --> 02:31:08.120
do it. Listen, you look at that dude. I love

02:31:08.120 --> 02:31:10.700
kids. If you're bald, you can't pants kids? No,

02:31:10.760 --> 02:31:12.399
no, no. It's the way he looks. So I got like

02:31:12.399 --> 02:31:14.840
three weeks. Listen to me. Listen to me because

02:31:14.840 --> 02:31:17.840
this is very important. The odds of a woman choosing

02:31:17.840 --> 02:31:20.680
that guy over anybody are very small. So that

02:31:20.680 --> 02:31:21.780
guy's probably horny as fuck. Forget women love

02:31:21.780 --> 02:31:24.760
competency, Joe. And obviously not competent.

02:31:24.799 --> 02:31:26.899
He's wearing a fucking vest. What if he's a beast,

02:31:26.979 --> 02:31:29.790
dude? I doubt he is. This is a crazy person.

02:31:29.829 --> 02:31:32.590
Look at his grimace as he pantses him. Go back

02:31:32.590 --> 02:31:35.129
three seconds. A crazy person as hard as a rock

02:31:35.129 --> 02:31:40.430
while he's tormenting a child. This is a fucking

02:31:40.430 --> 02:31:44.010
creep with two terabytes of kiddie porn on his

02:31:44.010 --> 02:31:47.149
fucking hard drive. That dude runs a Discord

02:31:47.149 --> 02:31:50.129
server. That was originally people looking at

02:31:50.129 --> 02:31:52.530
AI child porn. That was supposed to be Kevin

02:31:52.530 --> 02:31:54.829
Spacey. He didn't get the role. Not in real life.

02:31:54.870 --> 02:31:58.049
The real guy is an actor. It's a movie. It's

02:31:58.049 --> 02:32:00.270
a different time. I'm just joking. Yeah, that

02:32:00.270 --> 02:32:03.110
was 92. But if that was a real human that was

02:32:03.110 --> 02:32:05.270
alone with a little kid, and that's your move?

02:32:06.040 --> 02:32:08.520
Not, like, tell this little, hey, Bobby, you

02:32:08.520 --> 02:32:10.840
want to know what I do for a living? Who is that

02:32:10.840 --> 02:32:12.920
guy? That's not his dad. That's some fucking

02:32:12.920 --> 02:32:16.489
creepy dude he got stuck with. You get stuck

02:32:16.489 --> 02:32:19.549
with this fucking 50 -year -old incel who wants

02:32:19.549 --> 02:32:21.829
to pants you and then go jerk off to his Discord

02:32:21.829 --> 02:32:25.010
server. This is fucking psycho. That guy's a

02:32:25.010 --> 02:32:28.610
psycho. That guy's a straight -up psycho tormenting

02:32:28.610 --> 02:32:32.229
a young child who is so vulnerable. He can't

02:32:32.229 --> 02:32:34.989
do anything. I would pants my nephew. I'd get

02:32:34.989 --> 02:32:37.610
a knife. If that guy pantsed me, I'd get a knife.

02:32:38.850 --> 02:32:41.190
Well, you got molested on that canoe trip. You

02:32:41.190 --> 02:32:43.729
cut him? Yeah. That's the fucking guy with your

02:32:43.729 --> 02:32:46.489
fish in that canoe trip. Deep throat, dude. He

02:32:46.489 --> 02:32:49.329
tried. That's what his goal was. I think it was

02:32:49.329 --> 02:32:51.010
the opposite. Me deep throating him. You're a

02:32:51.010 --> 02:32:53.409
big mouth ass. I had a little tiny knife back

02:32:53.409 --> 02:32:54.930
then. It would have probably taken it away from

02:32:54.930 --> 02:32:56.850
me. Oh, you would have gotten him. I had a little

02:32:56.850 --> 02:32:59.010
fucking Swiss Army knife with those little bitch

02:32:59.010 --> 02:33:01.010
ass knives. You would have caught him? 100%.

02:33:01.010 --> 02:33:03.610
Come on. I was vulnerable, man. This guy was

02:33:03.610 --> 02:33:05.450
a weird dude. Just get a pre -cocked. Just tell

02:33:05.450 --> 02:33:06.909
me you love me. Get a pre -cocked and get ready

02:33:06.909 --> 02:33:08.989
to go. These headphones are doing nothing! Did

02:33:08.989 --> 02:33:11.030
you ever get sexually assaulted? What? You ever

02:33:11.030 --> 02:33:12.530
get sexually assaulted by a man? You were in

02:33:12.530 --> 02:33:15.190
a very serious religious group. January, but

02:33:15.190 --> 02:33:17.870
it was different. That was the L trend. Ari,

02:33:17.870 --> 02:33:20.950
Ari. What happened to you in the tunnel? Oh,

02:33:20.950 --> 02:33:26.440
yeah. It's storage space. It's just... Get out

02:33:26.440 --> 02:33:28.280
of here. Why does it have to be sex trafficking?

02:33:28.280 --> 02:33:31.000
What about this shit -smeared, bloody mattress?

02:33:31.479 --> 02:33:35.979
That's a Snopes. That's a Snopes. That's a Snopes.

02:33:35.979 --> 02:33:39.500
That's a Snopes. Let's give it a go. You won't

02:33:39.500 --> 02:33:41.180
look at the Black Power speech, but you'll look

02:33:41.180 --> 02:33:43.579
at the fucking Jew tunnels. Give it a go. This

02:33:43.579 --> 02:33:45.399
guy's not a journalist. There's one, a fake one,

02:33:45.540 --> 02:33:48.500
and that you guys made about the tunnels. Yeah,

02:33:48.620 --> 02:33:50.579
you could be like, that's AI. You guys made it.

02:33:50.579 --> 02:33:52.180
The Jewish community literally won't just make

02:33:52.180 --> 02:33:54.450
a statement. Just be like, hey, here's where

02:33:54.450 --> 02:33:56.850
it is. Well, the Jewish communities aren't responsible

02:33:56.850 --> 02:33:59.629
for, like, one psycho who made a tunnel. That

02:33:59.629 --> 02:34:01.610
synagogue should say something. That wasn't one

02:34:01.610 --> 02:34:05.069
guy, brother. At least that synagogue. Dude,

02:34:05.430 --> 02:34:06.930
there's so many tunnels you guys don't even know

02:34:06.930 --> 02:34:09.170
about. Definitely. They go all the way to Cleveland.

02:34:10.430 --> 02:34:12.610
Wow. There's a lot of tunnels. Come on. Hey,

02:34:12.750 --> 02:34:15.389
now that we're talking about the Jews, how much

02:34:15.389 --> 02:34:17.940
do you guys control the weather for real? It's

02:34:17.940 --> 02:34:19.879
not like that, dude. You can guide it. Well,

02:34:19.899 --> 02:34:21.739
couldn't you help the forest fire? You can't

02:34:21.739 --> 02:34:26.680
go from like 85 to like 60. If it's 78, you can

02:34:26.680 --> 02:34:30.639
go to 82. All right. No one's listening but me

02:34:30.639 --> 02:34:34.120
and you. Okay. Why would the smoke? Why was the

02:34:34.120 --> 02:34:37.059
smoke orange? Just in New York and not in Toronto.

02:34:37.200 --> 02:34:39.159
What did your people do? What are you, burning

02:34:39.159 --> 02:34:41.819
foreskins? Was it you guys or was it the CIA?

02:34:42.079 --> 02:34:44.780
Who burnt the fucking chemicals and made the

02:34:44.780 --> 02:34:47.159
fucking sky orange? There's a lot of menorah

02:34:47.159 --> 02:34:49.239
candles. There's got to be a Jews made the sky

02:34:49.239 --> 02:34:51.840
orange. These are the type of conspiracies that

02:34:51.840 --> 02:34:54.659
distract. Air quality similar to Bay Area's 2020

02:34:54.659 --> 02:34:57.079
orange sky. Similar, super similar. Bay also

02:34:57.079 --> 02:35:00.180
has a lot of Jews and Asians. It's super similar

02:35:00.180 --> 02:35:03.079
to when the Bay Area had fires right next. door

02:35:03.079 --> 02:35:05.420
where you could see the fucking flames and it

02:35:05.420 --> 02:35:09.440
turned the sky orange. Super similar to a place

02:35:09.440 --> 02:35:14.879
where the fire is thousands of miles away. Super

02:35:14.879 --> 02:35:19.719
fucking similar to the flames that caused the

02:35:19.719 --> 02:35:23.579
gray to look red. The fucking flames. Trudeau.

02:35:23.579 --> 02:35:27.809
Super, super similar. Who sees that boy again?

02:35:27.809 --> 02:35:29.709
Oh, it says air quality. I'm sorry. I misread

02:35:29.709 --> 02:35:31.610
it. It said air quality. Yeah, the air quality

02:35:31.610 --> 02:35:33.329
is real similar. I thought they were talking

02:35:33.329 --> 02:35:36.670
about the sky color. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I

02:35:36.670 --> 02:35:40.170
got carried away. I blame Protect Our Parks and

02:35:40.170 --> 02:35:42.750
Bud Light. These types of theories distract from

02:35:42.750 --> 02:35:45.590
when we sit around and talk about controlling

02:35:45.590 --> 02:35:48.149
the weather and stuff. It distracts from actual

02:35:48.149 --> 02:35:52.540
what you guys are, you know. What are you really

02:35:52.540 --> 02:35:54.860
up to in the temple? What have you guys done?

02:35:55.239 --> 02:35:57.760
No, no, no. What have you guys done to the trans

02:35:57.760 --> 02:36:05.379
kids? Weinstein, Epstein, Madoff. What have you

02:36:05.379 --> 02:36:12.139
done? Quite a list. False! Okay, what were we

02:36:12.139 --> 02:36:16.870
fucking Googling? Oh, the description in this

02:36:16.870 --> 02:36:19.069
post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery,

02:36:19.329 --> 02:36:22.469
which was reported to police by synagogue officials.

02:36:22.870 --> 02:36:25.489
Wait, wait a minute. The synagogue officials?

02:36:26.770 --> 02:36:29.340
You want to disbelieve it. Wait a minute. You

02:36:29.340 --> 02:36:30.620
don't want to believe in a fucking realistic

02:36:30.620 --> 02:36:33.100
explanation. Look what this says. Who wrote it?

02:36:33.100 --> 02:36:35.940
Scroll up. Scroll up. It must not be true. Let's

02:36:35.940 --> 02:36:38.360
examine the author. Who wrote it? Scroll up.

02:36:38.540 --> 02:36:45.100
For the audience. USA Today is the article. But

02:36:45.100 --> 02:36:47.579
let me be clear. Go back to the fucking thing

02:36:47.579 --> 02:36:50.780
I was reading. Hannah wrote this? Okay. It says,

02:36:51.040 --> 02:36:56.799
the description in this post paints a false picture

02:36:56.799 --> 02:36:59.459
of the tunnel. discovery, which was reported

02:36:59.459 --> 02:37:02.260
to police by synagogue officials. Did they report

02:37:02.260 --> 02:37:03.799
the tunnel? Is that what they're saying? Because

02:37:03.799 --> 02:37:05.739
that's not real. I don't know who reported it.

02:37:05.760 --> 02:37:08.139
There's no actual reports on what happened. People

02:37:08.139 --> 02:37:10.620
saw Jews coming out of the ground, and they were

02:37:10.620 --> 02:37:13.159
like, hey. I've heard a bit about it. I've heard

02:37:13.159 --> 02:37:16.360
a bit about it. Is this a fucking movie? City

02:37:16.360 --> 02:37:21.000
officials said there was one tunnel, not a series

02:37:21.000 --> 02:37:23.399
of tunnels. Incorrect. Incorrect. That's what

02:37:23.399 --> 02:37:25.360
they reported. All the way to Cleveland. I'm

02:37:25.360 --> 02:37:26.969
telling you. All the way to Cleveland. Cleveland.

02:37:27.370 --> 02:37:29.870
More misinformation. I want to be clear. The

02:37:29.870 --> 02:37:33.229
Protect Our Parks actual Jew. All the way to

02:37:33.229 --> 02:37:35.569
Cleveland. It was adjacent to the synagogue,

02:37:35.790 --> 02:37:39.000
not under it. It wasn't under it, you fucking

02:37:39.000 --> 02:37:43.239
liars. Mattresses shown in the viral video came

02:37:43.239 --> 02:37:46.620
from behind wood paneling inside the synagogue,

02:37:46.719 --> 02:37:49.180
not from the tunnel. It's amazing how everybody

02:37:49.180 --> 02:37:51.799
wants to go to underage sex trafficking. It's

02:37:51.799 --> 02:37:55.100
from behind the synagogue. Kanye was right. It's

02:37:55.100 --> 02:37:57.979
not related to the tunnel, guys. It was underage

02:37:57.979 --> 02:38:01.549
sex trafficking. Easily. Everybody goes straight

02:38:01.549 --> 02:38:04.270
to that every time. It's so funny. What the hell

02:38:04.270 --> 02:38:06.450
is this tunnel for, you fucking dumbass? Oh,

02:38:06.450 --> 02:38:08.450
yeah. Couldn't be storage space in Manhattan.

02:38:08.530 --> 02:38:10.909
But hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Storage space

02:38:10.909 --> 02:38:16.049
for what? But guys! So much! Guys! Look how crazy

02:38:16.049 --> 02:38:21.239
this is saying. The mattress is real! This blood

02:38:21.239 --> 02:38:23.600
-stained mattress is still real. Who gives a

02:38:23.600 --> 02:38:27.520
fuck if it was 12 feet to the left? So it's in

02:38:27.520 --> 02:38:30.700
the synagogue, but it's not in a tunnel that's

02:38:30.700 --> 02:38:33.639
under the synagogue? Who gives a fuck? This is

02:38:33.639 --> 02:38:36.319
crazy. You got a mattress. It was in the garbage.

02:38:37.229 --> 02:38:41.129
It's right there. It's not right there. They

02:38:41.129 --> 02:38:42.530
threw out a fucking mattress. I don't get it.

02:38:42.530 --> 02:38:44.530
What's the blood for? I don't know. Why the blood?

02:38:44.729 --> 02:38:49.209
Okay. Chicks. I see. Menstrual. This is the last

02:38:49.209 --> 02:38:52.350
part. Last part says an unverified video shows

02:38:52.350 --> 02:38:54.829
what appears. It's every month with that. Ari,

02:38:54.930 --> 02:38:57.110
Ari, Ari, Ari. Slow down. Look at the end of

02:38:57.110 --> 02:38:59.809
it. It says an unverified video shows what appears

02:38:59.809 --> 02:39:03.950
to be a high chair. But it shows only one such

02:39:03.950 --> 02:39:07.549
seat. Little kids. And it was located amid trash,

02:39:07.729 --> 02:39:10.489
clutter, and dirt in a basement room, not in

02:39:10.489 --> 02:39:14.700
a tunnel. There you go. So it's there, not 12

02:39:14.700 --> 02:39:18.620
feet to the right. The whole thing is so crazy.

02:39:18.659 --> 02:39:20.719
No, that wasn't in the tunnel. That was in the

02:39:20.719 --> 02:39:22.180
other shit that we discovered when we figured

02:39:22.180 --> 02:39:23.959
out we had a tunnel. We don't throw things out.

02:39:24.920 --> 02:39:27.040
Someone else might need a high chair in two weeks.

02:39:27.260 --> 02:39:30.680
I thought you'd just sell it. Just clean it up.

02:39:30.680 --> 02:39:32.700
Yeah, sell it for later to save it. Why chuck

02:39:32.700 --> 02:39:35.620
it? We might need it. When it's Catholics, I'm

02:39:35.620 --> 02:39:38.079
like, yeah, for sure. Oh, confrontation began

02:39:38.079 --> 02:39:41.860
over attempt to fill in the tunnel. Why would

02:39:41.860 --> 02:39:43.760
you fill it in once it's already built? Just

02:39:43.760 --> 02:39:48.139
regulate it. But isn't it crazy, though? But

02:39:48.139 --> 02:39:49.739
you're allowed to have a basement. You can't

02:39:49.739 --> 02:39:51.659
have a tunnel. You can have an attic. You can't

02:39:51.659 --> 02:39:53.440
have a tunnel. You have a secret room. That's

02:39:53.440 --> 02:39:55.440
fine. No tunnels. You've got to do it up to code.

02:39:55.540 --> 02:39:57.479
The best of the guy was like, I heard everybody

02:39:57.479 --> 02:39:59.120
complain. You have a tunnel in there? I have

02:39:59.120 --> 02:40:00.899
a tunnel at my club. Where? When you go into

02:40:00.899 --> 02:40:03.379
the audience. Whoa. We need a real tunnel. All

02:40:03.379 --> 02:40:05.739
right, that wasn't real. We're under the ground.

02:40:06.320 --> 02:40:08.399
Listen, Shane Gillis. The what? I don't go in

02:40:08.399 --> 02:40:10.299
tunnels. Shane Gillis, when you think about the

02:40:10.299 --> 02:40:12.819
architecture of my club. It is a secret tunnel.

02:40:12.979 --> 02:40:16.399
When you go inside and you go downstairs, you're

02:40:16.399 --> 02:40:18.799
under everything. You're under the street. You're

02:40:18.799 --> 02:40:22.120
in a tunnel. You feel at home there. You do.

02:40:22.750 --> 02:40:25.209
That Tunnels was nuts. You like Tunnels. I'm

02:40:25.209 --> 02:40:26.829
going to put a... For tonight's show... Oh, wait,

02:40:26.850 --> 02:40:28.750
wait. The thing with the guy saying I heard Jews

02:40:28.750 --> 02:40:31.889
was not real? I'm going to put a stained mattress

02:40:31.889 --> 02:40:33.430
in the tunnel. See if I can get a firefighter.

02:40:33.430 --> 02:40:35.030
You can see it when you get up to the stage.

02:40:35.590 --> 02:40:37.850
Right next to the stage. You're like, no worries,

02:40:38.049 --> 02:40:40.430
Ari. It's just a stained mattress. It's not even

02:40:40.430 --> 02:40:42.229
in the real tunnel. They were throwing it out,

02:40:42.370 --> 02:40:44.989
you fucking QAnon people. Yeah, they were throwing

02:40:44.989 --> 02:40:47.190
it out by leaving it. It was amidst the rubbish.

02:40:47.329 --> 02:40:49.989
Stuffed into a dark corner of their fucking building.

02:40:50.750 --> 02:40:53.069
Yeah, throwing it out. Dude, you don't know what

02:40:53.069 --> 02:40:55.010
it's like. Eventually, when I get done fucking

02:40:55.010 --> 02:40:57.170
people on this mattress. They find an old t -shirt.

02:40:57.270 --> 02:40:59.170
They're like, well, we should find somebody who

02:40:59.170 --> 02:41:02.110
can use it. Somebody wants a shit -stained mattress.

02:41:02.110 --> 02:41:06.790
Oh, look at that. That's a gay squirter. That's

02:41:06.790 --> 02:41:10.770
an enema. That's an enema release. Whoa. What's

02:41:10.770 --> 02:41:13.590
with the wigs, by the way, with the ladies? You're

02:41:13.590 --> 02:41:15.469
not attracted. That's how to do it. I'm the fucking

02:41:15.469 --> 02:41:18.049
expert on this. Wear a wig and a costume. Today,

02:41:18.190 --> 02:41:21.870
you're going to be a gypsy. They threw out a

02:41:21.870 --> 02:41:23.370
high chair and everyone's like, under excess

02:41:23.370 --> 02:41:26.290
traffic. Tomorrow, you're a leprechaun. Every

02:41:26.290 --> 02:41:28.370
day, you're a different thing. I'm so bored.

02:41:28.610 --> 02:41:31.909
Listen, I want you to bake pies and dress up.

02:41:32.149 --> 02:41:35.250
Tonight, you're a squirrel. You're a Jew. I mean,

02:41:35.270 --> 02:41:37.290
how do you feel about the Jew hate right now?

02:41:37.389 --> 02:41:39.129
I don't see any of it. Come on. I think it's

02:41:39.129 --> 02:41:41.030
all internet related. If you go to Palestine,

02:41:41.270 --> 02:41:43.889
you will 100 % fucking see it. If I went to a

02:41:43.889 --> 02:41:46.629
very specific region of the world, yes, I might

02:41:46.629 --> 02:41:49.090
see it. Online, it's more emboldened. Is it not?

02:41:49.350 --> 02:41:51.360
But I'm in New York. york and all over the country

02:41:51.360 --> 02:41:53.280
and really the world and i've never seen any

02:41:53.280 --> 02:41:55.100
i've been all over i've not been all over the

02:41:55.100 --> 02:41:57.000
world since october 7th i've been all over the

02:41:57.000 --> 02:41:58.440
country i've never seen a single thing in my

02:41:58.440 --> 02:42:00.280
real life so i think it's you gotta shut your

02:42:00.280 --> 02:42:02.020
computers off and live your fucking life go on

02:42:02.020 --> 02:42:03.920
hiking but isn't it what we talked about about

02:42:03.920 --> 02:42:06.059
reading comments it's like it's that it's that

02:42:06.059 --> 02:42:08.040
they're shoving the worst shit in front of you

02:42:08.040 --> 02:42:10.180
all the time so you think that's the world it's

02:42:10.180 --> 02:42:12.520
not the world i'm the jewiest looking guy in

02:42:12.520 --> 02:42:14.860
the world if there was any fucking anti -semitism

02:42:14.860 --> 02:42:18.000
statistically realistic It would come to me.

02:42:18.040 --> 02:42:20.879
I want to send you as a correspondent for the

02:42:20.879 --> 02:42:23.879
JRE to go to the free Palestine protests. I'll

02:42:23.879 --> 02:42:26.399
go to that. You should go to that. I'll try to

02:42:26.399 --> 02:42:29.579
blend in. That nose is so punchable. I couldn't.

02:42:29.600 --> 02:42:31.899
That nose is so punchable. It's such a target,

02:42:31.979 --> 02:42:34.600
even for hooks. Would you say that everyone could

02:42:34.600 --> 02:42:37.139
do so much damage? You're talking about Jew,

02:42:37.239 --> 02:42:40.500
you're a Jew, Jew face, super Jewish guy. Yeah,

02:42:40.500 --> 02:42:42.860
yeah, yeah. Never had a problem. Would you say

02:42:42.860 --> 02:42:45.440
that goes to everything? Black people are not

02:42:45.440 --> 02:42:49.100
that? 100%. Almost everybody. Me and his friend

02:42:49.100 --> 02:42:51.100
Nate Marshall had the same thing. You just imagine

02:42:51.100 --> 02:42:52.799
all these terrible things happening. When day

02:42:52.799 --> 02:42:55.780
-to -day life, 99 .9 % is fun, everyone just

02:42:55.780 --> 02:42:57.180
enjoying the weather at the same time. If you're

02:42:57.180 --> 02:42:59.959
Ari Shafiq. I think you're right. Nate said the

02:42:59.959 --> 02:43:01.719
same thing to me. You get clicks. It's just like,

02:43:01.799 --> 02:43:03.799
oh, I'm in fear of all this stuff happening.

02:43:03.860 --> 02:43:05.479
Depends who you talk to. If you're online more,

02:43:05.600 --> 02:43:07.639
everything's terrible. South side of Chicago

02:43:07.639 --> 02:43:10.879
where violent crime and murder is higher than

02:43:10.879 --> 02:43:13.579
it is in Afghanistan at the peak of the invasion.

02:43:13.899 --> 02:43:17.409
Yeah. That's not real. I guess so. But I'm not

02:43:17.409 --> 02:43:19.569
there. So what you're saying, imagine this terrible

02:43:19.569 --> 02:43:21.270
place. No, you don't have to imagine it. But

02:43:21.270 --> 02:43:22.950
I'm just saying like if you make a blanket statement

02:43:22.950 --> 02:43:28.030
that like everybody's life is less. than what

02:43:28.030 --> 02:43:30.629
you're seeing in the media. Almost everybody.

02:43:31.030 --> 02:43:32.909
Statistically insignificant. If you just shut

02:43:32.909 --> 02:43:35.069
off your computer, you wouldn't see any anti

02:43:35.069 --> 02:43:38.510
-black hatred, anti -Jewish, none of it. Just

02:43:38.510 --> 02:43:40.610
go out and go for a hike. Everybody's pretty

02:43:40.610 --> 02:43:42.030
cool with each other. If you're talking about

02:43:42.030 --> 02:43:44.690
hatred, yes, that's true. You can go find it

02:43:44.690 --> 02:43:47.129
in small things on college campuses on a day.

02:43:47.309 --> 02:43:49.430
And wouldn't we all agree that most hatred is

02:43:49.430 --> 02:43:51.709
rooted in you just don't know that person? Yeah,

02:43:51.709 --> 02:43:52.729
yeah, even that. And you've got to understand

02:43:52.729 --> 02:43:56.360
them. You'd be pretty cool. SNL was pretty chill.

02:43:56.840 --> 02:43:58.620
And you're like, guess what? I hate them. You

02:43:58.620 --> 02:44:01.979
know what else is pretty chill? Bud Light coming

02:44:01.979 --> 02:44:04.479
out of an eagle's asshole. And I'd say that Bud

02:44:04.479 --> 02:44:07.579
Light coming out of an eagle's asshole is even

02:44:07.579 --> 02:44:10.159
better than regular Bud Light. Bud Light coming

02:44:10.159 --> 02:44:12.280
out of an asshole. Of an eagle? Of an eagle.

02:44:12.440 --> 02:44:14.239
Of an American eagle? This is what you're doing.

02:44:14.440 --> 02:44:17.159
America does rule. You're felching a fucking

02:44:17.159 --> 02:44:18.920
American Eagle. Damn, we're not even allowed

02:44:18.920 --> 02:44:20.700
to show that cool America's number one video

02:44:20.700 --> 02:44:22.819
that we always share in the group chat? Fuck

02:44:22.819 --> 02:44:25.139
yeah. Can we just play that and see what happens?

02:44:25.719 --> 02:44:30.260
Do it! You gotta do it like this? And... I think

02:44:30.260 --> 02:44:32.420
the fact that we can say shit online but you

02:44:32.420 --> 02:44:35.659
don't get any repercussions has added a lot.

02:44:36.000 --> 02:44:38.399
Yeah, exactly. You used to get beat up. You say

02:44:38.399 --> 02:44:40.780
horrible, crazy things. It's all fine. It's all

02:44:40.780 --> 02:44:43.440
fine. Life's great. You mean this place? This

02:44:43.440 --> 02:44:46.700
place here. I'm saying in general, you say shit

02:44:46.700 --> 02:44:49.520
online, you say mean shit, and you'll never have

02:44:49.520 --> 02:44:52.100
a repercussion. I think that adds to a lot of

02:44:52.100 --> 02:44:55.280
it. It's all virtual. It's all nonsense. People

02:44:55.280 --> 02:44:57.000
are saying this. No one's saying it. They're

02:44:57.000 --> 02:44:58.879
posting these things. They're posting mean things.

02:44:59.059 --> 02:45:01.239
They would never say that in an elevator. Never.

02:45:01.260 --> 02:45:03.280
Never happens. But they would say it online.

02:45:03.600 --> 02:45:07.579
It's segmented tribalism. We're so tribal. It's

02:45:07.579 --> 02:45:11.409
all tribalism. It's all stupid. It's stupid,

02:45:11.530 --> 02:45:13.909
and it's also if you have fucking social media,

02:45:14.030 --> 02:45:16.090
you have this ability to fucking isolate groups

02:45:16.090 --> 02:45:18.909
of people or attack groups of people. It's so

02:45:18.909 --> 02:45:21.389
fucking dumb. In the real world, most people

02:45:21.389 --> 02:45:24.110
get along if there's communication. And it's

02:45:24.110 --> 02:45:25.649
a lot of optics. And they're cool. If you're

02:45:25.649 --> 02:45:27.829
cool and there's communication, everybody's cool.

02:45:27.889 --> 02:45:29.870
It just got warmer in New York on a day, high

02:45:29.870 --> 02:45:32.250
six, and there's no left and right. There's no

02:45:32.250 --> 02:45:35.030
high class, low class. What a good day. There's

02:45:35.030 --> 02:45:38.450
no right. How many dicks did you suck that day?

02:45:39.930 --> 02:45:42.090
But they were from both sides. From both sides

02:45:42.090 --> 02:45:44.250
of the galley. I feel like that was what was

02:45:44.250 --> 02:45:48.680
next. It doesn't matter. Oh, dude, the Upper

02:45:48.680 --> 02:45:51.520
East Side is right. Where do you live? The Upper

02:45:51.520 --> 02:45:54.420
West is right. What do you mean, right? They're

02:45:54.420 --> 02:45:57.940
dudes. Economically, they're right. But they're

02:45:57.940 --> 02:46:01.360
quiet. They love them. We got everything there.

02:46:01.559 --> 02:46:03.159
Let's just hit it, dude. Who cares about the

02:46:03.159 --> 02:46:06.959
strugs? God, America's the best. It's the best.

02:46:07.420 --> 02:46:11.059
And then in... Listen, this is the best place

02:46:11.059 --> 02:46:13.899
to be. Despite all the chaos. The chaos exists

02:46:13.899 --> 02:46:15.979
in the world. We just talked about Scotland trying

02:46:15.979 --> 02:46:18.739
to arrest comedians. I know. It's so easy here.

02:46:18.819 --> 02:46:21.340
It's great. These damn Sean Connery hitting women.

02:46:21.440 --> 02:46:23.200
Those were the days. We didn't talk about that

02:46:23.200 --> 02:46:25.280
fucking guy in Belgium. Jamie, show the memes

02:46:25.280 --> 02:46:27.139
so these guys can see the shit that this guy

02:46:27.139 --> 02:46:30.180
was sharing. Gerard Depardieu. The memes are

02:46:30.180 --> 02:46:32.899
fucking so innocuous. They're so nothing. They

02:46:32.899 --> 02:46:34.559
don't even come close to the memes we share.

02:46:34.840 --> 02:46:39.620
Oh, my God. You know what? Because America rules

02:46:39.620 --> 02:46:42.040
in memes too, bitch. America's number one. Number

02:46:42.040 --> 02:46:43.260
one in memes. You can keep shitting on America

02:46:43.260 --> 02:46:45.020
whenever I try to move here. So what does that

02:46:45.020 --> 02:46:48.139
tell you? What? That's what I'm saying. Well,

02:46:48.200 --> 02:46:50.600
everybody keeps coming here. Exactly. You're

02:46:50.600 --> 02:46:53.200
like my uncle 15 years ago. I'm just saying.

02:46:53.200 --> 02:46:55.540
People are coming here. You're talking about

02:46:55.540 --> 02:46:58.620
my grandparents. Yeah, mine too. I'm second generation.

02:46:59.079 --> 02:47:01.360
Sicilian. Who's talking shit on America like

02:47:01.360 --> 02:47:04.870
that? All kinds of locals. No, no, just online.

02:47:05.049 --> 02:47:07.270
Shut it off. No one's really doing that. Everybody

02:47:07.270 --> 02:47:08.629
knows we're number one. Well, how about the,

02:47:08.709 --> 02:47:11.069
I'm going to leave if this guy wins. That's my

02:47:11.069 --> 02:47:12.989
favorite. Yeah, but they don't ever leave. They

02:47:12.989 --> 02:47:15.049
never leave. Because it's great. We got Chipotle.

02:47:15.229 --> 02:47:17.549
Everything except PTO. Maybe this time they'll

02:47:17.549 --> 02:47:19.829
go to Canada where it's a thousand times worse.

02:47:20.510 --> 02:47:23.569
Maybe this time. How would you like to live in

02:47:23.569 --> 02:47:26.370
Minnesota if it was fucking gayer? Welcome to

02:47:26.370 --> 02:47:31.090
fucking Canada. Gayer and colder. Imagine Minnesota.

02:47:31.340 --> 02:47:35.600
But not cool at all. Just gay. Yeah, no Somalians.

02:47:35.799 --> 02:47:37.879
Unless Trudeau's on Halloween. Let's get the

02:47:37.879 --> 02:47:39.719
right wine. Bro, they might get rid of that dude.

02:47:39.780 --> 02:47:42.639
If they do, they could pull it around. Who? Trudeau.

02:47:42.780 --> 02:47:46.079
Oh. That Pierre Polivet. How do you say it? He's

02:47:46.079 --> 02:47:48.520
pretty sexy, that guy. Polivet. Did I say it

02:47:48.520 --> 02:47:51.690
right? No, I didn't. He's very French. Let's

02:47:51.690 --> 02:47:54.409
also be honest. He's brilliant. He's smart. We've

02:47:54.409 --> 02:47:56.629
been trashing Canada because of how gay Trudeau

02:47:56.629 --> 02:47:59.270
is, but Canada does fucking rock. Canada rules

02:47:59.270 --> 02:48:01.090
in the summer. Canada's one of the all -times.

02:48:01.250 --> 02:48:05.069
Oh, you're pissing in there? You son of a bitch.

02:48:05.110 --> 02:48:07.549
He's pissing in Bud Light, Canada's this dirty

02:48:07.549 --> 02:48:10.729
bitch. Should I make this part of your new campaign

02:48:10.729 --> 02:48:13.090
where I piss in bottles? You're trying to ruin

02:48:13.090 --> 02:48:16.170
my campaign, you little nasty motherfucker. Piss

02:48:16.170 --> 02:48:18.989
in that whiskey. Don't piss in that. Get a bottle.

02:48:19.370 --> 02:48:21.870
Piss in the bottle. Don't piss in the bottle

02:48:21.870 --> 02:48:24.149
that's half full. Someone might drink it, you

02:48:24.149 --> 02:48:28.370
monster. Don't make it taste better. Get a bottle.

02:48:28.850 --> 02:48:35.629
Online. Piss in it. Well, Toronto's a fun town,

02:48:35.750 --> 02:48:38.510
and Vancouver's fun. Good crowds. Good crowds,

02:48:38.629 --> 02:48:40.829
good chicks, good drugs. Everything rules in

02:48:40.829 --> 02:48:42.469
Canada. If you bring up Trudeau, though, they

02:48:42.469 --> 02:48:44.030
go apeshit. Who brings up the government? Can

02:48:44.030 --> 02:48:47.750
you imagine? Everywhere I go, if I go to Canada,

02:48:47.809 --> 02:48:51.030
I'm like, fuck Trudeau. I don't go to Canada.

02:48:51.590 --> 02:48:54.370
I do. I go all the time. I say, fuck Trudeau.

02:48:54.370 --> 02:48:56.729
They get fired up. The truckers hate him. The

02:48:56.729 --> 02:48:59.450
truckers hate him. Regular people hit them. Historically,

02:48:59.489 --> 02:49:01.270
Canada's a good country. They go hard, dude.

02:49:01.409 --> 02:49:03.389
They're nice people. They were at D -Day. They

02:49:03.389 --> 02:49:04.610
were at fucking D -Day. That's why they're so

02:49:04.610 --> 02:49:07.049
subject to this bullshit. Because they're trying

02:49:07.049 --> 02:49:09.149
to be nice. That's why they're so vulnerable.

02:49:09.489 --> 02:49:10.870
Because they're trying to be nice. Because they're

02:49:10.870 --> 02:49:14.729
genuinely nice people. Sorry. It's cold as fuck

02:49:14.729 --> 02:49:17.010
up there. People cooperate. They're nice. All

02:49:17.010 --> 02:49:19.010
right. I'm going to get fired up. Uh -oh. Get

02:49:19.010 --> 02:49:23.729
fired up. Uh -oh. Hold on. Easy, big fella. No,

02:49:23.750 --> 02:49:25.489
they're not that fired up. Fire up. I might be

02:49:25.489 --> 02:49:27.899
dumb and wrong. Those are one of those countries

02:49:27.899 --> 02:49:31.100
that, like, the UK, like, when they go to war,

02:49:31.200 --> 02:49:33.420
which they always do, they always call on the

02:49:33.420 --> 02:49:37.299
bros. It's always Scotland, Canada, Australia,

02:49:37.739 --> 02:49:40.639
all the dominions that are just, like, settler

02:49:40.639 --> 02:49:42.899
white people. We've been making money for you

02:49:42.899 --> 02:49:45.819
all these years. When they call on, like, Australia

02:49:45.819 --> 02:49:48.059
and Canada to go to war, they go to war, dude,

02:49:48.120 --> 02:49:51.379
and they go hard. They've always gone hard. Canada

02:49:51.379 --> 02:49:54.639
rules. Historically, Canada rules. Historically?

02:49:54.959 --> 02:49:57.799
Yeah. Right now they're being gay. I think Banff

02:49:57.799 --> 02:49:59.520
is the same as it's always been. Banff has a

02:49:59.520 --> 02:50:03.579
fantastic history of combat sports. Solid chick

02:50:03.579 --> 02:50:07.520
hockey players. And comedians. Rory. Norm MacDonald.

02:50:07.739 --> 02:50:11.459
Norm. The other guy. Jim Carrey. Yeah. Those

02:50:11.459 --> 02:50:15.520
donuts. Great donuts. Tim Hortons' rules. Listen,

02:50:16.520 --> 02:50:19.559
there was a guy in the 1980s. Whistler's awesome.

02:50:19.819 --> 02:50:22.340
There was a guy in the 1980s. There was a French

02:50:22.340 --> 02:50:25.559
-Canadian named Jean -Yves Thériault. And he

02:50:25.559 --> 02:50:30.500
was a fucking assassin in kickboxing. He was

02:50:30.500 --> 02:50:33.399
the man. What about St. Pierre or whatever? Yeah,

02:50:33.399 --> 02:50:35.719
but I'm talking about the 1980s. Oh. There was

02:50:35.719 --> 02:50:39.020
a guy named John. It's not related at all, Mark.

02:50:39.219 --> 02:50:41.260
He's Canadian. Not even close to related. French

02:50:41.260 --> 02:50:44.459
Canadian. Shut up. This is like kickboxing in

02:50:44.459 --> 02:50:47.440
the 1980s. I read this guy's book. I started

02:50:47.440 --> 02:50:49.340
running stairs because of this dude. You read

02:50:49.340 --> 02:50:57.479
a kickboxer's book? Oh, yeah. I read about 30

02:50:57.479 --> 02:51:01.059
kickboxer's books. Every kickboxer book that

02:51:01.059 --> 02:51:04.040
anybody ever wrote. And then I did sit -ups,

02:51:04.040 --> 02:51:06.379
and then I kicked that guy in the fucking head.

02:51:07.680 --> 02:51:11.360
That would be a dumb fat dude's interpretation

02:51:11.360 --> 02:51:15.879
of what a world -class combat sport athlete would

02:51:15.879 --> 02:51:19.780
tell you what to do. That's a nasty thing to

02:51:19.780 --> 02:51:22.040
say, dude. That's true. What a disgusting thing

02:51:22.040 --> 02:51:23.239
you just said. When's the last time you read

02:51:23.239 --> 02:51:26.010
Steinbeck? You're reading fucking GSB's book.

02:51:26.670 --> 02:51:29.530
You're reading fucking retard camouflage books.

02:51:29.809 --> 02:51:32.090
I haven't read these books since I was like 21.

02:51:32.329 --> 02:51:35.389
From the time I was 15. No, I did it because

02:51:35.389 --> 02:51:37.069
I was trying. The same reason why I have this

02:51:37.069 --> 02:51:39.670
stupid tattoo on my right arm of Miyamoto Musashi.

02:51:39.909 --> 02:51:42.969
I read books on how to fight. If this didn't

02:51:42.969 --> 02:51:44.750
work out, you would have been the dumbest motherfucker.

02:51:45.030 --> 02:51:49.750
I know. But it worked out. Boy, did it work.

02:51:49.930 --> 02:51:52.940
I got lucky. Telling girls at bars, this is a

02:51:52.940 --> 02:51:54.620
movie. But it's all connected. I didn't tell

02:51:54.620 --> 02:51:56.020
you about that. It's all connected. If you can

02:51:56.020 --> 02:51:57.760
read about a dude who's figured out how to fuck

02:51:57.760 --> 02:52:02.700
people up with his feet. He just kicked people

02:52:02.700 --> 02:52:04.959
in the face for a living. I'm like, tell me how

02:52:04.959 --> 02:52:08.120
you did this. That's what kickboxing books are

02:52:08.120 --> 02:52:10.340
about. So this guy was Jean -Yves Thériault.

02:52:10.360 --> 02:52:12.700
Can we watch this? Oh, my God. He was a fucking

02:52:12.700 --> 02:52:16.829
assassin, man. He's from Montreal. And he's a

02:52:16.829 --> 02:52:18.209
French Canadian. Oh, he knocked his mouth guard.

02:52:18.209 --> 02:52:20.870
Bro, he fucked everybody up. He just turns and

02:52:20.870 --> 02:52:22.729
walks. I'm telling you, man. He was a fucking

02:52:22.729 --> 02:52:25.149
assassin. What happened? Dude, you don't understand.

02:52:25.350 --> 02:52:27.409
This guy was my hero when I was a kid. Where'd

02:52:27.409 --> 02:52:29.629
he go? When I was kickboxing, this was the guy

02:52:29.629 --> 02:52:31.569
I was trying to be. I was trying to be this dude.

02:52:31.829 --> 02:52:34.979
Whoa. You gotta understand there was no money

02:52:34.979 --> 02:52:36.540
back then. He jumped off those people so fast.

02:52:36.879 --> 02:52:40.459
Bro, he was a fucking assassin. He was a very

02:52:40.459 --> 02:52:45.680
nice guy. And he had a fucking gay cop mustache.

02:52:46.120 --> 02:52:48.760
It was awesome. And one of the things that he

02:52:48.760 --> 02:52:50.819
said was that he increased his kicking power

02:52:50.819 --> 02:52:53.659
substantially by running stairs. So I started

02:52:53.659 --> 02:52:57.239
running fucking stairs. And I read this dude's

02:52:57.239 --> 02:52:59.979
book when I was like 15, 16 years old. I love

02:52:59.979 --> 02:53:02.840
the chest hair. Bro, he was a monster. He was

02:53:02.840 --> 02:53:04.760
fucking everybody up. You've got to understand,

02:53:04.979 --> 02:53:07.879
this guy's record was just littered with chaos.

02:53:08.159 --> 02:53:15.610
Everybody he fought. Kickboxing back then. Here's

02:53:15.610 --> 02:53:20.049
the deal about kickboxing. Kickboxing back then

02:53:20.049 --> 02:53:24.750
was all above the waist. Come on, man. Don't

02:53:24.750 --> 02:53:27.309
do that. Nobody had figured out Thai boxing yet

02:53:27.309 --> 02:53:29.409
because the Thais had not come to America yet.

02:53:29.549 --> 02:53:33.430
Jackdaw Thai. Jackdaw Thai. Very well. I don't

02:53:33.430 --> 02:53:37.370
know what that means. Remember the fuckers. Remember

02:53:37.370 --> 02:53:40.190
the fuckers. That's Rick Rufus. Rick Rufus is

02:53:40.190 --> 02:53:43.469
the American hero. Oh, he's a bad producer. Oh,

02:53:43.629 --> 02:53:46.129
dude, he was a monster. Rick Rufus was so good.

02:53:46.209 --> 02:53:50.670
But Johnny, that's Don the Dragon Wilson. What?

02:53:51.309 --> 02:53:55.010
I sound like I'm making this up. No, that guy's

02:53:55.010 --> 02:53:59.389
a legend. Don the Dragon Wilson. Oh, that guy's

02:53:59.389 --> 02:54:02.610
got Botox. Listen, I want you to Google Don the

02:54:02.610 --> 02:54:08.459
Dragon Wilson versus... God damn it. Dennis Alexio.

02:54:08.579 --> 02:54:11.340
Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio. This

02:54:11.340 --> 02:54:13.659
is like a peek into your childhood here. Don

02:54:13.659 --> 02:54:16.420
the Dragon Wilson. You could have gotten into

02:54:16.420 --> 02:54:18.579
wrestling. You got into this. What I could have

02:54:18.579 --> 02:54:22.040
gotten is like serious brain damage. All right.

02:54:22.059 --> 02:54:27.520
This is Don. This is Don the Dragon Wilson versus.

02:54:28.540 --> 02:54:31.879
Dennis Alexio. So Don the Dragon Wilson is like

02:54:31.879 --> 02:54:34.399
a legend in kickboxing. Like when there was no

02:54:34.399 --> 02:54:38.219
money in kickboxing. 54 and 1. Yeah. Look at

02:54:38.219 --> 02:54:40.059
that hairline. He was a monster. God, that's

02:54:40.059 --> 02:54:42.020
what I'm looking for. He was so good. So he fought

02:54:42.020 --> 02:54:44.180
this guy, Dennis Alexio. And Dennis Alexio, who

02:54:44.180 --> 02:54:46.659
was a fucking assassin, but he didn't understand

02:54:46.659 --> 02:54:50.139
leg kicks as well as Don did. So get a little

02:54:50.139 --> 02:54:52.420
further on this. See, Don just kicked his fucking

02:54:52.420 --> 02:54:54.399
legs out from under him. And Dennis Alexio was

02:54:54.399 --> 02:54:57.579
a tank. He was actually in one of those John

02:54:57.579 --> 02:54:59.520
Connors. in Van Damme movies. Oh, really? He

02:54:59.520 --> 02:55:01.020
was in Kickboxer. I love Kickboxer. He was like

02:55:01.020 --> 02:55:03.420
his brother that got killed by Tong Po. That's

02:55:03.420 --> 02:55:07.280
right. When he kicked the column. Number three.

02:55:08.399 --> 02:55:11.579
So this was a really important fight because

02:55:11.579 --> 02:55:14.239
it was one of the first fights between kickboxers.

02:55:14.280 --> 02:55:16.319
He started leg kicking them. And by the way,

02:55:16.379 --> 02:55:18.360
Don the Dragon Wilson, as good as he was, was

02:55:18.360 --> 02:55:21.379
not a tie. He wasn't like a real expert or a

02:55:21.379 --> 02:55:25.739
Dutch guy like Ernesto Hoost or any of the greats.

02:55:25.739 --> 02:55:27.959
There were so many great guys that came out of

02:55:27.959 --> 02:55:30.100
Holland. He was a guy that was like an American

02:55:30.100 --> 02:55:33.600
guy who learned how to do leg kicks and started

02:55:33.600 --> 02:55:35.239
fucking people up with them when they allowed

02:55:35.239 --> 02:55:38.510
them. Were the Dutch nasty at it because they

02:55:38.510 --> 02:55:41.569
colonized Southeast Asia? They were so nasty.

02:55:41.610 --> 02:55:43.549
No, hold on. First of all, they were big. Yeah,

02:55:43.569 --> 02:55:46.090
but was it because they colonized Southeast Asia?

02:55:46.190 --> 02:55:48.290
I don't know, man, but there's so many great

02:55:48.290 --> 02:55:50.510
guys. Why else would they be good? Listen, man,

02:55:50.610 --> 02:55:52.489
there's Rob Kamen, who's one of the greatest

02:55:52.489 --> 02:55:57.110
of all times. Ernesto Hoos, Peter Ertz. Do you

02:55:57.110 --> 02:56:00.229
think the possible Dutch brought it to Southeast

02:56:00.229 --> 02:56:03.040
Asia? No, they learned it. No, they learned it.

02:56:03.040 --> 02:56:04.920
They learned it. They were down there. They learned

02:56:04.920 --> 02:56:06.520
it, but they were way bigger. When World War

02:56:06.520 --> 02:56:09.379
II popped off, it was Japan attacking Dutch colonies

02:56:09.379 --> 02:56:12.780
to get the rubber in Southeast Asia. So they

02:56:12.780 --> 02:56:14.979
were down there. Is that what it was? Yeah, that's

02:56:14.979 --> 02:56:16.879
why the Dutch were always down there. That's

02:56:16.879 --> 02:56:19.500
why they had Sri Lanka forever. They had East

02:56:19.500 --> 02:56:21.159
Timor. Oh, yeah. They ran the shit. That's why

02:56:21.159 --> 02:56:24.020
they're good at kickboxing is because they colonized

02:56:24.020 --> 02:56:26.040
Southeast Asia. The Dutch are the best colonizers

02:56:26.040 --> 02:56:27.180
because once they had everything, they're like,

02:56:27.299 --> 02:56:30.270
you guys can take it back. With certain countries

02:56:30.270 --> 02:56:31.590
like, go ahead, we're done. Because they were

02:56:31.590 --> 02:56:33.930
tiny. They were like fucking Cincinnati. They

02:56:33.930 --> 02:56:36.469
were number one. Yeah. They did what England

02:56:36.469 --> 02:56:39.180
did. They just became a bank. They did that.

02:56:39.280 --> 02:56:41.520
They did that. There's more money in that. The

02:56:41.520 --> 02:56:43.899
Dutch kickboxing roots can be traced back to

02:56:43.899 --> 02:56:47.079
the 1970s. Dutchmen traveling to Japan learned

02:56:47.079 --> 02:56:50.819
Japanese kickboxing, which blended elements of

02:56:50.819 --> 02:56:52.979
Kyokushin karate and Muay Thai. And Japan, not

02:56:52.979 --> 02:56:55.180
Southeast. Over the next 50 years. Are you watching

02:56:55.180 --> 02:56:57.860
Shogun? Oh, my God. It's awesome. It's fun, right?

02:56:57.959 --> 02:56:59.920
How good is it? It's like a Japanese Game of

02:56:59.920 --> 02:57:03.200
Thrones. Bro, Shogun is good. Game of Thrones.

02:57:03.239 --> 02:57:05.959
I guarantee they ruin it. I guarantee they put

02:57:05.959 --> 02:57:08.319
ladies in it. They put ladies in it. Ruined the

02:57:08.319 --> 02:57:11.540
story. They already put ladies in it? No. There

02:57:11.540 --> 02:57:13.159
was an article written, why are there no black

02:57:13.159 --> 02:57:15.399
people on Shogun? And people are like, it's because

02:57:15.399 --> 02:57:19.700
it's about Japan. It's 1600s. What the fuck are

02:57:19.700 --> 02:57:23.600
you saying? 1600s Japan. You're fucking swinging

02:57:23.600 --> 02:57:28.500
every virtue flag you have. Leave it. Let's get

02:57:28.500 --> 02:57:31.399
black people on Shogun. That's so crazy. I know.

02:57:31.600 --> 02:57:34.510
That is so bananas. That's so bananas. That could

02:57:34.510 --> 02:57:36.590
be good. Why were there no Japanese people on

02:57:36.590 --> 02:57:40.149
Alien? What the fuck are you talking about? What

02:57:40.149 --> 02:57:41.489
are you saying? Why were there no black aliens?

02:57:41.649 --> 02:57:43.829
What are you saying? It's a movie, you fuck.

02:57:43.969 --> 02:57:46.090
Why is there no women in Reservoir Dogs? Because

02:57:46.090 --> 02:57:48.190
it's a movie. It's about a bank robbery. It's

02:57:48.190 --> 02:57:50.329
a movie about a moment. It happens to have only

02:57:50.329 --> 02:57:53.329
guys in it. That's okay. Just like the Barbie

02:57:53.329 --> 02:57:57.750
movie's okay. It's fine. It's all Barbie. It's

02:57:57.750 --> 02:58:00.250
fine. That's not real life. Barbie movie when,

02:58:00.450 --> 02:58:03.389
have you guys seen it? It was great. I enjoyed

02:58:03.389 --> 02:58:05.670
it. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, I liked it. I did

02:58:05.670 --> 02:58:07.250
not have a problem with it. Really funny. And

02:58:07.250 --> 02:58:08.709
I had a problem with people who had a problem

02:58:08.709 --> 02:58:10.149
with it. There's no competition. It's a good

02:58:10.149 --> 02:58:12.049
movie. It's a good movie. Where are the black

02:58:12.049 --> 02:58:15.129
people in the show? There was one. I guess there

02:58:15.129 --> 02:58:17.989
is one in the show. No. Of course. Yeah, there's

02:58:17.989 --> 02:58:20.670
a character. But this is complaining. Oh, Blackthorn.

02:58:20.969 --> 02:58:22.989
Okay, I haven't gotten to that episode yet, you

02:58:22.989 --> 02:58:26.430
son of a bitch. Is it that good? It's fucking

02:58:26.430 --> 02:58:31.610
good, dude. It's fucking good. No, why would

02:58:31.610 --> 02:58:34.909
the war? Way better. Way better. And historical.

02:58:35.090 --> 02:58:39.350
By the way, fuck me. Fuck me. But why the awards?

02:58:39.629 --> 02:58:42.649
Who cares? To me, it's better. Because I'm fascinated

02:58:42.649 --> 02:58:45.030
by Japanese culture. Is it as well done as that?

02:58:45.170 --> 02:58:46.670
Is it real as that? Better than Married With

02:58:46.670 --> 02:58:51.389
Children? Yeah. Whoa. Why the fucking son of

02:58:51.389 --> 02:58:54.149
anarchy? It was cool. It was right away. I believe

02:58:54.149 --> 02:58:55.829
this. Sons of Anarchy would be awesome if it

02:58:55.829 --> 02:58:58.780
was on HBO. Yeah. Yeah. If they got to go gangster.

02:58:58.940 --> 02:59:00.600
First couple years, dude. Right, right, right.

02:59:01.340 --> 02:59:03.680
Entirely. Right, 100%. It opens up with him.

02:59:03.719 --> 02:59:04.420
That show would be incredible. Incredible. It

02:59:04.420 --> 02:59:06.760
opens up with him executing a stalker and then

02:59:06.760 --> 02:59:08.979
fucking her while he's bleeding out. It was pretty

02:59:08.979 --> 02:59:11.239
fucking good right away. They got wild at the

02:59:11.239 --> 02:59:12.760
beginning. At the beginning, it was pretty fucking

02:59:12.760 --> 02:59:14.639
good. Later, it was like, eh. Then they got that

02:59:14.639 --> 02:59:16.719
sweet, sweet ad money. When they went to Ireland,

02:59:16.879 --> 02:59:18.280
it was like, what are we doing here? I have a

02:59:18.280 --> 02:59:21.139
Bud Light. The Hell's Angels should be a show.

02:59:22.110 --> 02:59:25.110
They were all on crank. Did you ever read Hunter

02:59:25.110 --> 02:59:26.930
S. Thompson's book, Hells Angels? No, no. It's

02:59:26.930 --> 02:59:29.870
fucking great. No way. Shane, I got some bad

02:59:29.870 --> 02:59:32.250
news for you. I had read chapters of it, but

02:59:32.250 --> 02:59:35.510
I never like... What happened? We're out of BLs.

02:59:35.510 --> 02:59:37.209
Sorry to overtalk, but... No, we have more beer.

02:59:37.629 --> 02:59:40.709
This is the Joe Rogan experience. Throw $1 million

02:59:40.709 --> 02:59:42.129
at the problem. You don't think we have cases?

02:59:42.229 --> 02:59:47.290
Jamie. Jamie. Beer available to an esteemed guest

02:59:47.290 --> 02:59:49.409
like Shane Gillis? And bring that manure over

02:59:49.409 --> 02:59:52.549
here, will ya? Train by day. Train by day. Oh,

02:59:52.829 --> 02:59:55.049
yeah, get Carl out of here. Look at that. Carl's

02:59:55.049 --> 02:59:57.069
like a 9 -11. Isn't that the greatest promo of

02:59:57.069 --> 02:59:59.170
all time? I love it so much. That's crazy. The

02:59:59.170 --> 03:00:00.590
Diaz brothers are king. They are king. But when

03:00:00.590 --> 03:00:02.909
Nick said that, I had no expectation. I couldn't

03:00:02.909 --> 03:00:04.909
believe he said it. I was like, oh, my God. That's

03:00:04.909 --> 03:00:06.850
our new introduction. Yeah, you just made it.

03:00:08.250 --> 03:00:10.350
Yeah, shout out to Red Band. Red Band put it

03:00:10.350 --> 03:00:12.430
together. What happened? It's funny to see when

03:00:12.430 --> 03:00:14.760
you were there. Yeah, I was like, oh, my God.

03:00:14.819 --> 03:00:16.979
Oh, shit, a shout -out? And Nick Diaz, like,

03:00:17.159 --> 03:00:19.459
my podcast? I was like, this is incredible. That

03:00:19.459 --> 03:00:21.399
was incredible. Meanwhile, I'm, like, fucking

03:00:21.399 --> 03:00:26.340
in awe. The one time you took me to one fight,

03:00:26.420 --> 03:00:28.159
and I was standing there, and Cameron Simons

03:00:28.159 --> 03:00:31.219
won a fight. He's this little South African white

03:00:31.219 --> 03:00:32.719
guy. South African bad motherfucker. He just

03:00:32.719 --> 03:00:34.780
beat the fuck out of a guy, and then he stood

03:00:34.780 --> 03:00:37.659
up and, like, ran over to where I was sitting.

03:00:37.719 --> 03:00:41.780
It was like, hey, big fan man. I was like, wow.

03:00:42.020 --> 03:00:44.440
I was like. I'm sitting there holding a beer

03:00:44.440 --> 03:00:47.120
like, no way. That's the dopest shit of all time.

03:00:48.000 --> 03:00:51.600
That's the dopest shit of all time. He literally

03:00:51.600 --> 03:00:54.319
was on a dude's back. You know how many times

03:00:54.319 --> 03:00:57.459
I've been with Theo and Dustin Poirier fights?

03:00:57.780 --> 03:01:00.120
Dustin Poirier and Theo are homies. They'll,

03:01:00.180 --> 03:01:02.500
like, fucking point at Theo after he wins. It's

03:01:02.500 --> 03:01:05.600
nuts. It's amazing. How about when Dustin Poirier

03:01:05.600 --> 03:01:08.340
said at the last UFC, I missed it? I missed it.

03:01:08.890 --> 03:01:11.610
Because I'm just trying to get the most out of

03:01:11.610 --> 03:01:14.110
him in an interview. He gave a William Montgomery

03:01:14.110 --> 03:01:16.670
reference. Shut up. I ain't never going to stop.

03:01:17.149 --> 03:01:19.610
No way. He literally said it, and it sounded

03:01:19.610 --> 03:01:22.069
like William Montgomery, but my brain did not

03:01:22.069 --> 03:01:24.809
register it. And afterwards, he and William Montgomery

03:01:24.809 --> 03:01:26.649
have been doing DMs back and forth. Get the fuck

03:01:26.649 --> 03:01:28.829
out of here. He talked about him on Instagram.

03:01:29.250 --> 03:01:31.850
Comedy is huge. He's the man. Poirier's win that

03:01:31.850 --> 03:01:35.819
night was the best. That was like the coolest

03:01:35.819 --> 03:01:38.120
moment of the night. Louisiana, Lafayette. My

03:01:38.120 --> 03:01:40.440
thoughts on that fight going in was that that

03:01:40.440 --> 03:01:43.579
dude is a dangerous grappler. He's a judo black

03:01:43.579 --> 03:01:46.200
belt, started out as a fucking French special

03:01:46.200 --> 03:01:49.000
forces guy. Saint -Denis. He's a dangerous motherfucker,

03:01:49.340 --> 03:01:52.139
but Poirier has an advantage, stand -up. And

03:01:52.139 --> 03:01:54.940
in stand -up, you can't bridge that gap that

03:01:54.940 --> 03:01:58.299
quickly. Oh, yeah. How long have you been doing

03:01:58.299 --> 03:01:59.540
stand -up? He's been doing stand -up since he

03:01:59.540 --> 03:02:02.469
was a little kid. He's got a wicked... Wicked

03:02:02.469 --> 03:02:05.170
everything. Everything is wicked. His leg kicks

03:02:05.170 --> 03:02:07.969
are wicked. His striking is wicked. You can't

03:02:07.969 --> 03:02:09.889
beat him. You get into the second, third, fourth,

03:02:09.969 --> 03:02:11.530
and fifth rounds, you start making fundamental,

03:02:11.729 --> 03:02:14.590
like, tactical mistakes. That's when conditioning

03:02:14.590 --> 03:02:17.889
and just knowing what the fuck you're doing takes

03:02:17.889 --> 03:02:20.030
over. And those guys with high -level experience,

03:02:20.209 --> 03:02:22.909
they've been in hell. I know. Like, Poirier's

03:02:22.909 --> 03:02:25.590
been in hell. I know. Absolute hell so many times.

03:02:25.649 --> 03:02:28.850
I love Poirier, but Gagey, my favorite fighter.

03:02:29.399 --> 03:02:32.120
Gage is your guy. He's amazing. He beat Poirier.

03:02:32.399 --> 03:02:34.379
Poirier beat him before he beat him. I know,

03:02:34.379 --> 03:02:36.780
but he won in the end. He won recently. He won

03:02:36.780 --> 03:02:38.500
the second one. He won recently. Those guys can

03:02:38.500 --> 03:02:40.620
fight ten times, and it might be five and five.

03:02:40.620 --> 03:02:42.659
That's true. I love both of them, but I think

03:02:42.659 --> 03:02:44.420
Gage is my favorite fighter. Poirier was black.

03:02:44.479 --> 03:02:46.659
He passed me one of them. Yeah, he was. But Gage

03:02:46.659 --> 03:02:48.840
is just an animal. Gage is awesome. You can't

03:02:48.840 --> 03:02:52.680
stop him. He's fighting Max Holloway, UFC 300.

03:02:52.860 --> 03:02:55.829
Really? Who's coming? Where is it? What city?

03:02:55.969 --> 03:02:58.290
Where is it and when is it? It's in Vegas. Let's

03:02:58.290 --> 03:03:01.569
go. April 13th, I think. Is that what it is,

03:03:01.629 --> 03:03:05.930
Jamie? Let's go. Do it. Yeah, April 13th. Come

03:03:05.930 --> 03:03:07.409
on, son. I don't know. I went to one with Theo.

03:03:07.409 --> 03:03:09.450
Fuck, I'm doing a show in Austin. Where are you

03:03:09.450 --> 03:03:11.030
going, bitch? I'm recording a special two weeks

03:03:11.030 --> 03:03:13.989
later. Whoa. Two weeks? Two weeks. I've got to

03:03:13.989 --> 03:03:16.510
be in the road. You'll be inspired. Yeah. Do

03:03:16.510 --> 03:03:16.989
you have a game book that weekend? I'm going

03:03:16.989 --> 03:03:19.049
to like Halifax or Ontario or something. You're

03:03:19.049 --> 03:03:23.610
going to fucking do comedy for communists? A

03:03:23.610 --> 03:03:26.930
bunch of fucking Trudeau bootlickers up there.

03:03:28.489 --> 03:03:31.750
They don't even know who they're ruled by. They're

03:03:31.750 --> 03:03:35.530
so mad. They just care about the lobster. They're

03:03:35.530 --> 03:03:41.329
so mad right now. Yeah, the UFC is tough because

03:03:41.329 --> 03:03:44.610
they're all cool. They're all fun. There's so

03:03:44.610 --> 03:03:47.229
many good ones. Cheeto Sugar Sean was tough.

03:03:47.469 --> 03:03:49.430
I love Sugar Sean. Because you love Cheeto. No,

03:03:49.430 --> 03:03:51.469
because I love Cheeto. And Sugar Sean's the man.

03:03:51.649 --> 03:03:54.989
He's cool. He's a cool guy. You can't like them

03:03:54.989 --> 03:03:57.030
personally because they're going to get hit at

03:03:57.030 --> 03:03:59.729
least once. I know, but of course you like them

03:03:59.729 --> 03:04:01.729
personally. He's got the accuracy. It's not like

03:04:01.729 --> 03:04:03.110
a football player where you're like, oh, you

03:04:03.110 --> 03:04:04.309
got beat on that play. You're like, somebody

03:04:04.309 --> 03:04:06.350
punched you in the face. Sorry about that. Sugar

03:04:06.350 --> 03:04:08.170
Sean's cool. I've hung out with him a bunch of

03:04:08.170 --> 03:04:10.569
times. He's awesome. I'm literally. He likes

03:04:10.569 --> 03:04:12.149
comedy. Last time I saw him, I was like, could

03:04:12.149 --> 03:04:15.530
you come please meet my friends? He's awesome.

03:04:15.770 --> 03:04:18.569
Sugar Sean's awesome. Cheeto Vera's the bro.

03:04:19.610 --> 03:04:21.649
Really? Both those things are true. They're both

03:04:21.649 --> 03:04:23.229
the bros. They're both the bros. So then they

03:04:23.229 --> 03:04:25.629
have to fight. You sit there and you go, God

03:04:25.629 --> 03:04:27.649
damn. Yeah, they're both cool fucking dudes.

03:04:27.969 --> 03:04:30.290
I love both those dudes. Yeah, they're both amazing.

03:04:30.489 --> 03:04:31.750
It's real hard. And it's hard when you're doing

03:04:31.750 --> 03:04:33.670
commentary on two people you love. Oh, yeah.

03:04:33.670 --> 03:04:35.450
And when one dude is just piecing the other dude

03:04:35.450 --> 03:04:38.549
up. Till the end? Sugar Sean put on a fucking

03:04:38.549 --> 03:04:41.250
clinic. Oh, yeah. Till the end, though. Yeah.

03:04:41.549 --> 03:04:44.409
And in the end, that's what Jason Perreault was

03:04:44.409 --> 03:04:46.450
calling for the whole time. Make it a brawl.

03:04:46.569 --> 03:04:48.569
Fuck this dude up. And he hit him with a shot

03:04:48.569 --> 03:04:51.069
to the body and really hurt him. Oh, yeah. And

03:04:51.069 --> 03:04:55.479
also. That was a good fight. Oh, yeah. No one

03:04:55.479 --> 03:04:57.440
thought he had it. Oh, yeah, it got me. Oh, yeah,

03:04:57.459 --> 03:05:00.559
it got me. But he also, Cheeto put on a clinic,

03:05:00.680 --> 03:05:03.540
a chin clinic. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's got a good

03:05:03.540 --> 03:05:05.920
chin. Good Lord. He might have the best chin

03:05:05.920 --> 03:05:10.440
of all time. That knee to the face had him looking

03:05:10.440 --> 03:05:13.639
at his ankles. Crazy. His head snapped so far

03:05:13.639 --> 03:05:15.700
back. Have you ever seen it? Like on slow -mo?

03:05:15.780 --> 03:05:18.829
His head snaps all the way back. All the way

03:05:18.829 --> 03:05:20.909
back. And he kept going. And he never even stumbled.

03:05:21.209 --> 03:05:23.950
No. I should have killed him. There was no indication

03:05:23.950 --> 03:05:26.950
that he was wobbled, no indication that he was

03:05:26.950 --> 03:05:29.629
hurt. He just fucking, still dangerous. He just

03:05:29.629 --> 03:05:32.010
stepped back. Bro, he's an animal. He's an animal.

03:05:32.049 --> 03:05:34.469
He refused to be hurt. All those guys like comedy.

03:05:34.889 --> 03:05:37.489
Adesanya, Polkanovsky. BJ Penn used to like it.

03:05:37.750 --> 03:05:39.809
I remember BJ Penn coming up to you at the weigh

03:05:39.809 --> 03:05:41.750
-ins and be like, um, are you the guy from Like

03:05:41.750 --> 03:05:45.329
a Mother? BJ's the man. You ever see that fucking

03:05:45.329 --> 03:05:49.030
camouflage jacket that I wear, like puffy camouflage

03:05:49.030 --> 03:05:51.819
jacket? Cheeto got me that. Come on. He was wearing

03:05:51.819 --> 03:05:53.760
that. I go, bro, that is the dopest jacket I've

03:05:53.760 --> 03:05:55.540
ever seen. He goes, you want one? I go, fuck

03:05:55.540 --> 03:05:58.000
yeah. So he sent me one. Cheeto couldn't be.

03:05:58.000 --> 03:06:01.520
He's the man, dude. He could not be cooler. Sugar

03:06:01.520 --> 03:06:04.180
Sean's cool as fuck. Yo, I wish they didn't fight

03:06:04.180 --> 03:06:06.420
and beat the fuck out of each other, but that's

03:06:06.420 --> 03:06:09.079
just how it has to go. And at the end of the

03:06:09.079 --> 03:06:11.620
day, you got to admire what Sugar Sean did. What

03:06:11.620 --> 03:06:14.959
he did was masterful. Undeniable, dude. Undeniable.

03:06:14.959 --> 03:06:18.379
He fucking. He's nasty. He's masterful. He shared

03:06:18.379 --> 03:06:20.120
my special. He just keeps getting better, man.

03:06:20.120 --> 03:06:22.139
That's awesome. That's awesome. That's fucking

03:06:22.139 --> 03:06:24.559
amazing. That's huge. You know what met the world

03:06:24.559 --> 03:06:26.860
to me? The first time I met Sugar Sean, it was

03:06:26.860 --> 03:06:29.079
a fight you brought me to. I was in the back,

03:06:29.180 --> 03:06:31.440
and he was like, I was like, hi, I'm Shane. He

03:06:31.440 --> 03:06:33.450
was like, I know who you are. I was like. What's

03:06:33.450 --> 03:06:36.170
up, dude? What's up, man? It's cool to meet you,

03:06:36.209 --> 03:06:38.370
man. What's up, bro? Yeah. Fighters are some

03:06:38.370 --> 03:06:39.829
of the coolest fucking people you'll ever meet.

03:06:39.909 --> 03:06:40.469
Yeah, they're pretty laid back. Dude, we went

03:06:40.469 --> 03:06:43.489
to the fight in Atlanta, this is years ago, with

03:06:43.489 --> 03:06:45.870
Santino, and Theo was there. It was like Elvis

03:06:45.870 --> 03:06:49.540
showed up. Theo was huge in the UFC world, and

03:06:49.540 --> 03:06:51.940
then Poirier hugged him. And I was like, oh,

03:06:51.959 --> 03:06:53.780
God, I'm nervous. Well, people in the UFC world,

03:06:53.819 --> 03:06:56.739
first of all, it's like real similar thinking

03:06:56.739 --> 03:06:58.840
ones. It's very similar. A lot of protect our

03:06:58.840 --> 03:07:02.360
parks fans. UFC world. Bro, I can't tell you

03:07:02.360 --> 03:07:04.040
how many bros come up to me like, when's the

03:07:04.040 --> 03:07:06.440
next one, bro? Do I love when you're on the road?

03:07:06.559 --> 03:07:08.559
And they go like, in this last week, like, when's

03:07:08.559 --> 03:07:09.920
the next one? I'm like, coming up, actually.

03:07:10.360 --> 03:07:15.510
I know now. Because in this culture, it's weird

03:07:15.510 --> 03:07:17.629
for dudes to just get together and just be dudes.

03:07:18.110 --> 03:07:20.629
Yeah. We're just so strange. Isn't that weird?

03:07:20.889 --> 03:07:22.309
We're not allowed to be dudes. It's great, but

03:07:22.309 --> 03:07:25.250
you can. You just have to achieve escape velocity.

03:07:25.590 --> 03:07:28.069
You ever follow bros being bros? Instagram? No.

03:07:28.149 --> 03:07:29.969
You would love it. It's a bunch of guys kicking

03:07:29.969 --> 03:07:32.969
like boulders, like large boulders down a cliff.

03:07:33.090 --> 03:07:35.909
And they're like, yeah! Or throwing ice on ice,

03:07:36.010 --> 03:07:38.709
you know? Anybody need to know this guy? You

03:07:38.709 --> 03:07:43.559
good? I'm good. Dudes being dudes. Yeah. Why

03:07:43.559 --> 03:07:47.399
is that not okay? Women suck. Women are awesome.

03:07:47.479 --> 03:07:50.739
They're so gay, dude. So good. That's similar

03:07:50.739 --> 03:07:52.920
to a lot of gay. They like dick. There's a lot

03:07:52.920 --> 03:07:55.780
of similarities. Women are gay. In a lot of ways.

03:07:55.860 --> 03:07:58.059
Oh, yeah. If they weren't girls, they'd be gay.

03:07:58.079 --> 03:08:00.000
You could laugh out a lot of dumb shit. Their

03:08:00.000 --> 03:08:02.639
outfits and makeup. If they weren't girls, he'd

03:08:02.639 --> 03:08:05.639
be like, oh, my God. They're so gay. But I think

03:08:05.639 --> 03:08:08.139
women like dudes still. Women like dudes. Women

03:08:08.139 --> 03:08:10.059
like guys. Yeah, which is gay if you're a girl.

03:08:10.280 --> 03:08:16.059
Yeah, gay. Women are gay. That is gay. And they're

03:08:16.059 --> 03:08:18.760
taking up the ass a lot of them. I don't know

03:08:18.760 --> 03:08:21.879
what fucking sample group you're... I'll send

03:08:21.879 --> 03:08:25.780
you a couple numbers. It's out there. Joe. Joe.

03:08:26.760 --> 03:08:31.219
Joe, give me a look. Remember that joke? All

03:08:31.219 --> 03:08:32.659
right, let's talk about fucking. Slacking on

03:08:32.659 --> 03:08:36.399
a big brown dick. We're having fun. Yeah, girls

03:08:36.399 --> 03:08:41.479
are gay. Imagine being a girl. What else? Imagine

03:08:41.479 --> 03:08:43.819
all of a sudden you got transported into a girl's

03:08:43.819 --> 03:08:47.079
body with a dude's mind, but a girl's needs.

03:08:47.299 --> 03:08:49.920
So you need to get filled. That's quantum leap.

03:08:50.040 --> 03:08:52.260
That's the real quantum leap. Or he's like, oh,

03:08:52.340 --> 03:08:54.889
I'm a woman. Oh, I need it. I need my dick. And

03:08:54.889 --> 03:08:57.709
you're so straight, but you want cock so bad.

03:08:57.950 --> 03:09:00.030
It's like, I'm not thirsty, but I need a drink.

03:09:00.430 --> 03:09:02.510
I need it. Yeah, but then the aftermath is a

03:09:02.510 --> 03:09:05.049
bitch. Well, if you're a dude trapped in a girl's

03:09:05.049 --> 03:09:07.049
body. I guess it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

03:09:07.090 --> 03:09:10.729
You mean being gay? Being a lady who gets filled

03:09:10.729 --> 03:09:12.690
is like, what are we doing after? Wait, what?

03:09:13.590 --> 03:09:15.729
If they ever get to a point where it's genetic

03:09:15.729 --> 03:09:18.690
engineering. where you can literally become a

03:09:18.690 --> 03:09:20.409
woman and then go right back to being a dude.

03:09:20.530 --> 03:09:22.329
Yeah. Which is a matter of going through a procedure.

03:09:22.530 --> 03:09:24.610
That'd be nice. Get a new machine. A pill. Quick.

03:09:24.670 --> 03:09:26.489
Would you be willing to do it for a couple of

03:09:26.489 --> 03:09:28.750
days just to see what it feels like? No, I'm

03:09:28.750 --> 03:09:32.510
not gay. 100%. Wait, for sex? 100%. I thought

03:09:32.510 --> 03:09:34.229
you meant the life experience. Ew. I thought

03:09:34.229 --> 03:09:35.329
you meant the life experience. I thought you

03:09:35.329 --> 03:09:37.090
meant sex. Wanting their life experience is gay.

03:09:37.090 --> 03:09:39.049
No, I meant a life experience. Yeah. You want

03:09:39.049 --> 03:09:40.649
straight to getting filled, guys. Because you

03:09:40.649 --> 03:09:42.270
want to get filled. You immediately want to get

03:09:42.270 --> 03:09:43.590
stuffed. You want to get filled. Guys, I'll be

03:09:43.590 --> 03:09:46.010
honest. Wanting the life experience is gayer

03:09:46.010 --> 03:09:47.649
than hell. having gay sex. Just to see what it's

03:09:47.649 --> 03:09:49.569
like to live like a bird? It's not wanting. It's

03:09:49.569 --> 03:09:52.870
like fucking military service. No, dude. What?

03:09:53.409 --> 03:09:54.850
I want to see what it's like to have everyone

03:09:54.850 --> 03:09:57.010
looking at me for a minute. Yeah. I would like

03:09:57.010 --> 03:09:58.750
a vagina for a minute. Well, you know how they

03:09:58.750 --> 03:10:00.530
act. Can you give me a discount on that coffee?

03:10:00.790 --> 03:10:04.590
Oh, you can? Great. You know how they have compulsory

03:10:04.590 --> 03:10:08.709
military service in like South Korea and Israel?

03:10:08.989 --> 03:10:11.760
Yeah. Maybe try out being a woman for a few days.

03:10:11.760 --> 03:10:14.559
Gotta be a chick. Every guy. Get some coffee.

03:10:14.719 --> 03:10:16.600
Don't get into it, chick. Oh, this is what they

03:10:16.600 --> 03:10:19.819
mean when they say that. Right. Right. It seems

03:10:19.819 --> 03:10:22.399
like you have multiple orgasms and getting double

03:10:22.399 --> 03:10:24.760
stuffed. I'll take it. Double stuffed Oreos.

03:10:24.899 --> 03:10:26.959
Who wouldn't want to be? Wait, wait. We're talking

03:10:26.959 --> 03:10:30.760
about sex again. Oh, sorry. In my vagina. Being

03:10:30.760 --> 03:10:33.219
afraid to drink things that people give you.

03:10:33.260 --> 03:10:35.020
That's gotta be tough. Hold on. For real, though.

03:10:35.020 --> 03:10:37.219
But a clit would be great. For real, though.

03:10:37.639 --> 03:10:39.979
Allegedly. Wanting to experience being a woman

03:10:39.979 --> 03:10:44.940
out of some type of fucking gay -ass sympathy

03:10:44.940 --> 03:10:48.020
of like... Not sympathy. I wonder how hard it

03:10:48.020 --> 03:10:49.879
is. Not sympathy. That's gay as fuck. Not sympathy.

03:10:50.219 --> 03:10:54.559
It's better. Just have fun for a day. Free drinks

03:10:54.559 --> 03:10:57.540
all night. Wouldn't be cool. I'll get you free

03:10:57.540 --> 03:11:00.420
drinks. I've been asking for a decade. I'll give

03:11:00.420 --> 03:11:03.579
you free drinks. Thank you. But you're going

03:11:03.579 --> 03:11:06.799
to have to give up that fucking pussy. We'll

03:11:06.799 --> 03:11:11.459
talk. What? Busy. Jesus Christ. You remember

03:11:11.459 --> 03:11:14.219
that dude that had that fucking video where he

03:11:14.219 --> 03:11:16.120
was talking about what he did to dudes in jail?

03:11:16.680 --> 03:11:18.520
Oh, yeah. You remember that dude? Chris Rock

03:11:18.520 --> 03:11:20.159
had a bit about it. Wait, do you know about...

03:11:20.159 --> 03:11:22.260
Toss salad, man. Yeah, make him toss my salad.

03:11:22.899 --> 03:11:26.159
Maple syrup or honey or whatever it was. Do you

03:11:26.159 --> 03:11:29.639
know about SBR .org? Who? What? Do you know about

03:11:29.639 --> 03:11:32.280
StopPrisonRape .org? Oh, yeah. You told me about

03:11:32.280 --> 03:11:37.020
this. Multiple, like, survivors' poems. They

03:11:37.020 --> 03:11:38.540
have poems? Yeah, they have poems. Damn, they

03:11:38.540 --> 03:11:40.399
really knocked the gay right in on me. It's pretty

03:11:40.399 --> 03:11:43.399
dark. It's pretty dark. What's next, a parade?

03:11:44.180 --> 03:11:48.399
God, it's so funny making fun of guys who have

03:11:48.399 --> 03:11:53.379
been assaulted. Yeah, that's tough, man. I bet

03:11:53.379 --> 03:11:55.659
that poetry's good. Fuck Robert Frost. It rhymes.

03:11:55.700 --> 03:11:59.079
It for sure rhymes. How many prison rapes do

03:11:59.079 --> 03:12:01.620
people get in trouble for? What's the ratio?

03:12:02.859 --> 03:12:07.200
That was a very intense video and making fun

03:12:07.200 --> 03:12:09.899
of guys that get assaulted in prison does suck.

03:12:10.239 --> 03:12:12.739
How many guys really think your asshole's a pussy

03:12:12.739 --> 03:12:15.000
and what's wrong with them? I mean, I get it.

03:12:15.040 --> 03:12:17.350
I've gone down on a chick's butt. Yeah, we all

03:12:17.350 --> 03:12:19.649
have. Yeah, but that's a chick, not a dude with

03:12:19.649 --> 03:12:21.649
a fucking bandana around his head. It's not a

03:12:21.649 --> 03:12:23.950
clean butt. And a butt and a ball bag right in

03:12:23.950 --> 03:12:26.690
your face. You make it decent, but how decent?

03:12:27.049 --> 03:12:29.170
It's clean. How clean are you making that? Well,

03:12:29.170 --> 03:12:30.569
they get the shower. In a prison shower. It's

03:12:30.569 --> 03:12:32.350
all in the shower. It's literally a shit pipe.

03:12:34.489 --> 03:12:38.450
Shit pipe. Good band. How clean can it be? Let's

03:12:38.450 --> 03:12:40.329
eat off this fucking, all right, let's clean

03:12:40.329 --> 03:12:43.370
it off. We'll dust it. It's crazy. Eat off the

03:12:43.370 --> 03:12:46.209
sewer pipe. Eating ass has gone up tenfold. since

03:12:46.209 --> 03:12:48.709
I was a kid. Girls did it. They had that scene

03:12:48.709 --> 03:12:50.590
where she bent over the one hot chicken girls

03:12:50.590 --> 03:12:53.649
and the guy was eating her out. You think that's

03:12:53.649 --> 03:12:55.750
what started it all? Shot it up. Shot it up.

03:12:55.989 --> 03:12:57.969
It's porno. Had nothing to do with porn, right

03:12:57.969 --> 03:13:00.950
Ari? It helped too. That's what gave the girls

03:13:00.950 --> 03:13:04.010
writers the fucking idea. You watch girls? Damn

03:13:04.010 --> 03:13:07.110
it. He watched girls pretending if he had the

03:13:07.110 --> 03:13:11.190
fucking girls he would be a girl. We talked about

03:13:11.190 --> 03:13:14.579
it. That's so good, dude. You watch girls? That

03:13:14.579 --> 03:13:15.719
wasn't a bad show. That gave her like two years.

03:13:16.849 --> 03:13:18.610
First year was good. Second year got light. You

03:13:18.610 --> 03:13:20.209
New York guys are different, dude. Me and Joe

03:13:20.209 --> 03:13:22.290
are Texas guys. We're kind of fucking tough and

03:13:22.290 --> 03:13:24.030
straight. We don't watch that show. We don't

03:13:24.030 --> 03:13:26.350
watch that fucking show. We watch fucking BattleBots.

03:13:26.430 --> 03:13:29.309
Yeah. The Scar Brothers. That's a 30 -year -old

03:13:29.309 --> 03:13:32.430
joke. I watch Rodeo. You watch Sons of Anarchy?

03:13:33.090 --> 03:13:36.549
Yeah, I watch a lot of Rodeo. No. We watch Rodeo

03:13:36.549 --> 03:13:38.229
and BattleBots, dude. You guys are sitting back

03:13:38.229 --> 03:13:40.370
home in gas, looking and watching fucking girls.

03:13:40.569 --> 03:13:42.969
We watch prairie dogs get assassinated on YouTube.

03:13:42.989 --> 03:13:46.180
Yeah, I do watch that. Oh, that's sad. Fucking

03:13:46.180 --> 03:13:47.979
prairie dogs that shoot them with .50 calibers.

03:13:48.020 --> 03:13:49.860
You know what's sad? You know what's sad? When

03:13:49.860 --> 03:13:53.520
a fucking beautiful, beautiful horse steps in

03:13:53.520 --> 03:13:55.459
a prairie dog hole and snaps its leg and you've

03:13:55.459 --> 03:13:58.780
got to shoot it in the face. Ah. Fuck prairie

03:13:58.780 --> 03:14:00.860
dogs. Why? Just say that. No, prairie dogs are

03:14:00.860 --> 03:14:03.299
good boys, dude. What about a cow? Beautiful

03:14:03.299 --> 03:14:04.799
cow. What about those landmines? I do love cows.

03:14:05.020 --> 03:14:07.159
Beautiful cow that can provide you with many

03:14:07.159 --> 03:14:09.850
robots. Cows are so fun. Don't they send dogs

03:14:09.850 --> 03:14:12.190
out in the Middle East to run over landmines?

03:14:12.270 --> 03:14:16.030
No. Yes. They send fucking people. They do that,

03:14:16.049 --> 03:14:18.750
too. Oh, that's better. They'll let fucking...

03:14:18.750 --> 03:14:23.909
Jews? People run across. All right, good. Well,

03:14:23.950 --> 03:14:26.709
we got to get those landmines out. Yeah, we're

03:14:26.709 --> 03:14:29.090
not going to get those. Oh, don't you dare. Oh,

03:14:29.129 --> 03:14:31.370
that was a beaver. Let me show that guy. Show

03:14:31.370 --> 03:14:34.129
me that man again. Was that a groundhog? Oh,

03:14:34.129 --> 03:14:36.149
you're such an adorable cat. Prairie dogs. They're

03:14:36.149 --> 03:14:38.030
so cute. At least they're gone. You don't see

03:14:38.030 --> 03:14:40.170
it like the JFK assassination. It's just gone.

03:14:40.309 --> 03:14:44.870
Look at these cocks. Oh, man. I'm talking landmines,

03:14:45.129 --> 03:14:47.409
J -Mo. Oh, man. Do they eat those at least? These

03:14:47.409 --> 03:14:48.450
aren't landmines. These are shooters. They don't

03:14:48.450 --> 03:14:50.729
even eat them? Nobody's eating those. Oh. They

03:14:50.729 --> 03:14:52.809
just get rid of them because they fuck up the

03:14:52.809 --> 03:14:55.569
cows. J -Mo. What was that? It was already there.

03:14:55.969 --> 03:14:58.889
Is that like groundhog or a caddyshack? There's

03:14:58.889 --> 03:15:02.360
a prairie dog. What is it, a nutria? No. Those

03:15:02.360 --> 03:15:04.120
are all right to kill. Those are giant. We're

03:15:04.120 --> 03:15:05.260
supposed to kill those, right? They ruin the

03:15:05.260 --> 03:15:07.760
plant life in Louisiana. Meanwhile, why is that

03:15:07.760 --> 03:15:10.059
okay, but that's not okay? I don't know. One's

03:15:10.059 --> 03:15:12.600
cuter. You know what's really not okay? Squirrels.

03:15:12.620 --> 03:15:14.319
Squirrels are cute. They have fluffy tails. Squirrels

03:15:14.319 --> 03:15:16.819
are great guys. You know who's great and underrated?

03:15:17.020 --> 03:15:20.319
Opossums. They're cute. Opossums? Opossums are

03:15:20.319 --> 03:15:23.940
fun guys. They're Irish. Wait a minute. Opossums

03:15:23.940 --> 03:15:26.959
are disgusting. Well, that tail is bad news.

03:15:27.000 --> 03:15:28.639
They look bad. What's the difference between

03:15:28.639 --> 03:15:31.780
a possum and an opossum? Nothing. Oh. It's just

03:15:31.780 --> 03:15:34.360
possum. It's like a cult and an occult. They

03:15:34.360 --> 03:15:39.180
look bad. Occult? I got it. That's a thing, right?

03:15:39.239 --> 03:15:43.139
Occult? Occult. Occult. Possum looks occult.

03:15:43.139 --> 03:15:46.170
Like satanic shit. Yeah. Devil worshipping. See

03:15:46.170 --> 03:15:48.709
if you can get some zebras running across a minefield.

03:15:49.250 --> 03:15:53.049
No. Yeah, just unleash Jamie with the darkest

03:15:53.049 --> 03:15:55.030
stuff. Wait till you see these guys clearing

03:15:55.030 --> 03:15:57.090
out minefields with just animals they found.

03:15:57.649 --> 03:16:00.790
Bring it on. I've seen that. Zebras? They just

03:16:00.790 --> 03:16:02.790
find it. Whatever they got their hands on, though.

03:16:02.790 --> 03:16:04.809
They just send them through minefields. Really?

03:16:05.129 --> 03:16:08.090
Watch them detonate, yeah. Jew tunnel. Pull it

03:16:08.090 --> 03:16:11.770
up. Did you say Jew -tah? Jew tunnel. Jew tunnel.

03:16:12.069 --> 03:16:16.069
I said Jew talk. I was trying to make a Utah

03:16:16.069 --> 03:16:19.129
connection. I was like, I am not. We got to make

03:16:19.129 --> 03:16:24.110
a Jew turn. Well, Jew tunnels equally is nonsensical.

03:16:24.129 --> 03:16:27.590
It has nothing to do with zebras. Zebras crossing

03:16:27.590 --> 03:16:31.090
a minefield. Jew tunnel. You got to sit there

03:16:31.090 --> 03:16:33.489
and go, what the fuck does that mean? What does

03:16:33.489 --> 03:16:36.629
that mean even though? Hey, have we shamed you

03:16:36.629 --> 03:16:39.120
out of using the stack of notes? No, he's still

03:16:39.120 --> 03:16:40.719
got it. It's in my pocket there, Fetty. Let me

03:16:40.719 --> 03:16:43.360
see how big it is. Well, I cut it down. It's

03:16:43.360 --> 03:16:44.819
a Columns new joke that I had last night. He

03:16:44.819 --> 03:16:48.260
has it ready. You cut it down in order to avoid

03:16:48.260 --> 03:16:51.719
back pain? Yeah. But the amount of shit I get

03:16:51.719 --> 03:16:54.129
on the road for this thing. Because of this show?

03:16:54.209 --> 03:16:56.690
Thanks for this pod, yeah. Oh, my God, dude.

03:16:56.909 --> 03:16:59.790
It's gotten worse. It's gotten far worse. It's

03:16:59.790 --> 03:17:02.049
still there. It's so much bigger. That's way

03:17:02.049 --> 03:17:04.110
less. It's so much bigger. You don't even have

03:17:04.110 --> 03:17:07.149
that many jokes. 40 % is smaller. Did you write

03:17:07.149 --> 03:17:10.389
down every joke multiple times? Don't fuck up

03:17:10.389 --> 03:17:13.030
the order. All right, because that top one is

03:17:13.030 --> 03:17:16.290
all my new shit. This is literally insane. He

03:17:16.290 --> 03:17:18.489
does always have new. This is like right up there

03:17:18.489 --> 03:17:20.709
with the writing in the movie Seven. In fairness,

03:17:20.850 --> 03:17:25.040
he's always got new. I won't. I promise. That

03:17:25.040 --> 03:17:27.879
top one. Just keep the top one abreast. Why are

03:17:27.879 --> 03:17:32.579
you doing this? I like the writing. Try reading

03:17:32.579 --> 03:17:36.260
that. That's my new shit. I need that. I won't

03:17:36.260 --> 03:17:37.780
read it. I swear to you. You can read it. I just

03:17:37.780 --> 03:17:41.459
don't want you to ruin it. That's a good 12 minutes

03:17:41.459 --> 03:17:45.360
right there. They killed last night. Listen.

03:17:45.620 --> 03:17:47.399
Crush it last night at the creek. It's a very

03:17:47.399 --> 03:17:50.590
effective method. Mark's always got help. Mark,

03:17:50.649 --> 03:17:53.170
you're a great comic. All right. All right. This

03:17:53.170 --> 03:17:55.729
is still odd. Take it easy. Mark, you're one

03:17:55.729 --> 03:17:57.389
of my favorite comics to watch. Shut the fuck

03:17:57.389 --> 03:17:59.170
up. Every time you go on, I go, I got to see

03:17:59.170 --> 03:18:01.290
what he's got. Shut up. No, it's true. Why? Why

03:18:01.290 --> 03:18:03.149
are you being nasty? Well, you're being nasty.

03:18:03.149 --> 03:18:04.969
No, I'm being honest. You're being nasty. Piece

03:18:04.969 --> 03:18:07.569
of shit. Aggressively complimentary. Norman.

03:18:07.750 --> 03:18:09.790
That's weird. Norman, that's a fact. You got

03:18:09.790 --> 03:18:13.469
maps? Well, that was a thought. I needed something

03:18:13.469 --> 03:18:16.329
to write on. You wrote on a map? Well, that's

03:18:16.329 --> 03:18:17.389
what they give you at the hotel. You know you

03:18:17.389 --> 03:18:19.389
have a phone, right? Dude, you've got the shining,

03:18:19.389 --> 03:18:22.950
bro. I don't like the typing. I love the... Farts.

03:18:23.270 --> 03:18:27.989
Queef. That queef bit kills. Dude, if you do

03:18:27.989 --> 03:18:29.829
mass murder, these notes are going to be evidence.

03:18:30.190 --> 03:18:32.850
Oh my God. A lot of this is working. It just

03:18:32.850 --> 03:18:36.110
says farts, queef. If you ever try to apply for

03:18:36.110 --> 03:18:38.469
a visa to another country, they're going to go,

03:18:38.569 --> 03:18:40.690
let me see the notes. New page is good. Oh yeah.

03:18:40.870 --> 03:18:43.649
Get a book. Pegging. Yeah, have it organized.

03:18:43.850 --> 03:18:45.989
Why don't you have one of them little books?

03:18:46.649 --> 03:18:50.000
What book? A notebook. It's called a notebook.

03:18:50.260 --> 03:18:52.760
What are those little tiny books with a notebook?

03:18:53.520 --> 03:18:55.180
Yeah, a moleskin. Get a moleskin. Yeah, it's

03:18:55.180 --> 03:18:59.319
too hard on the back. That's not. You literally

03:18:59.319 --> 03:19:03.739
have a football in your pocket. Oh, yeah. I've

03:19:03.739 --> 03:19:09.159
been told that before. Football was a bad reference.

03:19:09.239 --> 03:19:10.659
That's all I had. I was looking for catcher's

03:19:10.659 --> 03:19:14.059
mitt. There you go. That's better. All right.

03:19:14.219 --> 03:19:16.440
Crying orgasm is killing. You have a baseball

03:19:16.440 --> 03:19:19.319
in your pocket. Soder has that one. What? You

03:19:19.319 --> 03:19:21.979
got to watch that. Crying orgasm. Oh, he's got

03:19:21.979 --> 03:19:26.000
a bit on that? His new shit, he did the mothership

03:19:26.000 --> 03:19:30.180
last week, and I opened. He just put out a special,

03:19:30.340 --> 03:19:33.379
and he's got a new 40 -something. Soder's rules.

03:19:33.440 --> 03:19:36.020
He's a monster. He's a monster. He's a monster.

03:19:36.180 --> 03:19:38.680
Soder's the most underrated. He's so good on

03:19:38.680 --> 03:19:41.180
podcasts. He's in the top 20 of that, at least.

03:19:41.920 --> 03:19:44.260
He's so good. What do you mean top 20? Of that.

03:19:44.920 --> 03:19:47.920
He's in the top 20 comics. Of underrated. No,

03:19:47.959 --> 03:19:49.760
he's in the top 20 comics. I'm saying easily

03:19:49.760 --> 03:19:51.860
he's underrated. We're going to make awards again.

03:19:52.139 --> 03:19:54.479
Yeah. He's underrated. People don't give him

03:19:54.479 --> 03:19:57.090
his respect. He's awesome. I think he went to

03:19:57.090 --> 03:19:59.770
the acting road and all this shit maybe. No,

03:19:59.809 --> 03:20:03.030
he's finding his lane. This is what it is. He's

03:20:03.030 --> 03:20:05.090
coming into his own right now. So it is. That's

03:20:05.090 --> 03:20:08.239
what it is. I don't know. Yeah, he rules. Everybody's

03:20:08.239 --> 03:20:10.000
like, oh, my God, they're so good. It was you,

03:20:10.079 --> 03:20:11.920
Shane. It was you. It was like, oh, my God, this

03:20:11.920 --> 03:20:13.840
guy's so good. And then the whole world knows.

03:20:14.200 --> 03:20:16.159
Soder is the best. It's going to happen with

03:20:16.159 --> 03:20:18.819
him. Yeah, but it's a weird process. And you

03:20:18.819 --> 03:20:20.520
just got to kind of just keep grinding. Well,

03:20:20.559 --> 03:20:21.959
I think you got to put it on the internet. Like,

03:20:22.000 --> 03:20:23.700
you put a YouTube special out. Like Ari with

03:20:23.700 --> 03:20:26.520
Jew. Like Ari with Jew. When Ari with Jew, when

03:20:26.520 --> 03:20:28.319
that popped out, everybody was like, oh, OK.

03:20:28.579 --> 03:20:31.920
He's a fucking legit comic. The special. The

03:20:31.920 --> 03:20:33.579
special. It's called Jew. Soder's on the road.

03:20:33.680 --> 03:20:36.079
It's on YouTube right now. Yeah, it's good. Literally

03:20:36.079 --> 03:20:38.260
one month old right now, got a million views.

03:20:38.559 --> 03:20:40.479
He's an animal. Yeah. Well, it's kind of nice

03:20:40.479 --> 03:20:42.719
because there's so much YouTube shit and the

03:20:42.719 --> 03:20:45.420
cream rises. Yeah. Prove that. It's also like

03:20:45.420 --> 03:20:48.010
the community. If we say he's awesome, we're

03:20:48.010 --> 03:20:51.690
not lying. No. We're not going to lie. If someone's

03:20:51.690 --> 03:20:54.049
good, he's pretty good. He's working on it. He's

03:20:54.049 --> 03:20:57.110
got potential. He's got something. But when you

03:20:57.110 --> 03:20:59.389
get to that Soder level, you go, yeah, this guy's

03:20:59.389 --> 03:21:01.870
fucking super legit. He's around. Go see him.

03:21:01.950 --> 03:21:04.010
He came to the club. He murdered the whole weekend.

03:21:04.090 --> 03:21:06.530
He only murders. Everybody was talking about

03:21:06.530 --> 03:21:09.049
it. He always murders. Since the day I met him.

03:21:09.110 --> 03:21:12.129
Yeah. And he's so nice. I've never seen him not

03:21:12.129 --> 03:21:15.899
kill. Likeable. Fun dude. He's awesome. We didn't

03:21:15.899 --> 03:21:17.719
kill Tony together. Someone mentioned Cat Williams.

03:21:17.819 --> 03:21:20.280
He just goes into a Cat Williams. He got a standing

03:21:20.280 --> 03:21:22.000
O at some point. It was crazy. He opened the

03:21:22.000 --> 03:21:24.100
podcast with a Cat Williams impression. There

03:21:24.100 --> 03:21:27.239
you go. He's like, I listened. It's crazy. And

03:21:27.239 --> 03:21:29.139
then you're like, I can write a joke, but I can't

03:21:29.139 --> 03:21:31.180
do any of these. So he can do the impressions

03:21:31.180 --> 03:21:32.979
and the impressions, the voices. This thing about

03:21:32.979 --> 03:21:37.239
drones are only fun in the United States. Fuck!

03:21:39.879 --> 03:21:42.219
That's funny. That's so true. That's so true.

03:21:43.159 --> 03:21:45.659
It's a fucking, it's an awesome time for comedy.

03:21:45.819 --> 03:21:47.459
There's so many good guys coming up. It really

03:21:47.459 --> 03:21:49.079
is. And you read the comments. We were like,

03:21:49.159 --> 03:21:51.620
I can't believe it. I got Kill Tony on YouTube.

03:21:51.899 --> 03:21:53.700
Then you got my favorite podcast. Then you got

03:21:53.700 --> 03:21:55.739
my favorite comedian doing a new special. Everybody

03:21:55.739 --> 03:21:58.059
likes what they like. It's great. It's a great

03:21:58.059 --> 03:22:01.020
time. Yeah, quick and plain. They can find out

03:22:01.020 --> 03:22:03.639
about so much stuff. There's so much stuff that's

03:22:03.639 --> 03:22:07.000
available to see now. I know. But people are

03:22:07.000 --> 03:22:08.360
getting spoiled. They're like, hey, that went

03:22:08.360 --> 03:22:10.920
on Patreon. You fucking cum guzzler. I'm like,

03:22:10.940 --> 03:22:13.579
I can't give everything away. You're just reading

03:22:13.579 --> 03:22:16.959
comments. Most people are really happy. Yeah,

03:22:17.000 --> 03:22:18.100
most people are happy. The overall thing is like,

03:22:18.159 --> 03:22:20.420
wow, what a fun time to be a comedy fan. It is.

03:22:20.459 --> 03:22:23.299
If I was a kid like I was when I was listening

03:22:23.299 --> 03:22:25.079
to Richard Pryor tapes with my girlfriend when

03:22:25.079 --> 03:22:27.180
I was like 16. Everybody loved that shit. This

03:22:27.180 --> 03:22:29.440
is amazing. All the ideas like, oh, college kids

03:22:29.440 --> 03:22:31.299
or whatever. No, they all like Adam Sandler.

03:22:32.000 --> 03:22:35.200
They're always the generally fun fans. We have

03:22:35.200 --> 03:22:37.719
a Dave Attell special coming out in a week. We

03:22:37.719 --> 03:22:39.920
have a Dave Attell. He's on the podcast Friday.

03:22:40.079 --> 03:22:43.000
Really? Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. I've seen it.

03:22:43.079 --> 03:22:46.059
It gruels. It gruels. He's a monster. It gruels.

03:22:46.159 --> 03:22:49.299
He's another one. He's so underappreciated for

03:22:49.299 --> 03:22:50.899
the level. That's what I mean. Top 20 of underrated.

03:22:51.000 --> 03:22:54.200
It's a weird plus minus. Well, you know what

03:22:54.200 --> 03:22:56.379
it is? It's like, guys, putting Soder in the

03:22:56.379 --> 03:22:59.180
top 20 underrated comics is awesome. You're saying

03:22:59.180 --> 03:23:01.719
leave him out of the top 20? No. I'm saying no

03:23:01.719 --> 03:23:04.180
matter what the argument is, he's in there. He's

03:23:04.180 --> 03:23:07.059
a great comic. There's an earthquake and scrunch

03:23:07.059 --> 03:23:09.659
show. Why are we rating? You're saying underrated

03:23:09.659 --> 03:23:11.379
versus talent. This is how dumb they are. When

03:23:11.379 --> 03:23:13.559
I say top 20, I mean it goes. Don't even talk

03:23:13.559 --> 03:23:15.500
about it anymore. He's in this range of, like,

03:23:15.500 --> 03:23:17.799
whatever. The point is, he's great and he's underrated.

03:23:17.799 --> 03:23:19.459
I think he's trying to cover up for his bullshit.

03:23:19.559 --> 03:23:21.200
I think so, dude. No, I'm saying, when you talk

03:23:21.200 --> 03:23:22.700
about, like, Louis, you're, like, top 20 of all

03:23:22.700 --> 03:23:24.219
time. It doesn't matter what kind of comedy you're

03:23:24.219 --> 03:23:26.000
into. He's in there. Let's move on to the next

03:23:26.000 --> 03:23:28.440
thing. We got a David Tell special coming up.

03:23:28.440 --> 03:23:30.719
Yeah, that's great. The problem is, dudes are

03:23:30.719 --> 03:23:32.879
so gross, we have to argue about shit we agree

03:23:32.879 --> 03:23:35.639
on. I'm with Ari. David Tell is top 20 underrated

03:23:35.639 --> 03:23:40.500
comics. Yes. That's what you said. He's top ten

03:23:40.500 --> 03:23:42.760
comedians. I know, but I'm saying also underrated.

03:23:43.319 --> 03:23:44.819
I'm saying people don't give him his due. He

03:23:44.819 --> 03:23:46.579
is underrated. He is underrated, but do you understand

03:23:46.579 --> 03:23:47.920
what I'm saying? Can we just say he's awesome?

03:23:48.479 --> 03:23:50.780
Yeah. Can we just not argue like a bunch of fucking

03:23:50.780 --> 03:23:53.379
queens? I agree. I also agree. I didn't start

03:23:53.379 --> 03:23:55.620
the argument. You're the one who's a queen. You're

03:23:55.620 --> 03:24:02.219
the one acting queenie. You guys are bad neighborhood,

03:24:02.440 --> 03:24:07.159
back alley queens with knee scabs. Arguing over

03:24:07.159 --> 03:24:10.440
stupid shit. We all agree. Most underrated is

03:24:10.440 --> 03:24:13.319
a fun argument. Of any sport, of any whatever.

03:24:13.620 --> 03:24:16.319
Then you go to, like, who's best versus ratings.

03:24:16.459 --> 03:24:18.340
It's a fun argument. Who's the most underrated

03:24:18.340 --> 03:24:21.180
football player? It's fun. It's a fun argument.

03:24:21.399 --> 03:24:25.360
Who's the most underrated fighter, Ari? Chris

03:24:25.360 --> 03:24:31.540
Brown. Ben Henderson. Oh. Dan Henderson? Benson.

03:24:31.840 --> 03:24:34.280
Benson Henderson. Yeah, because he was great

03:24:34.280 --> 03:24:37.850
and maybe... the most wins versus whatever, dominated

03:24:37.850 --> 03:24:39.629
his division, people don't give him much respect.

03:24:39.850 --> 03:24:42.250
That's the fucking, that's the formula I'm talking

03:24:42.250 --> 03:24:43.829
about. It's a fun argument. It's a fun argument.

03:24:44.030 --> 03:24:45.870
He's more of a pioneer. But it's a fun argument.

03:24:46.069 --> 03:24:47.530
Who's the most underrated? It's a fun argument.

03:24:47.590 --> 03:24:50.950
All time. All time, not appreciated. World champion,

03:24:51.229 --> 03:24:53.430
all time. Underrated doesn't mean best or worst.

03:24:53.729 --> 03:24:55.209
Right, right, right, right. You have to take

03:24:55.209 --> 03:24:56.809
rating into account. That's actually a really

03:24:56.809 --> 03:25:00.280
good one. That's a real good one. Who? Thank

03:25:00.280 --> 03:25:02.340
you. One episode of Five Nights at Freddy's.

03:25:02.340 --> 03:25:04.079
Sorry, what was the name? You son of a bitch.

03:25:04.079 --> 03:25:06.500
Dan Henderson? Ben Henderson. Ben Henderson.

03:25:06.700 --> 03:25:08.979
Benson Henderson. Give me one of those brewskis.

03:25:08.979 --> 03:25:12.479
He was a killer. Oh, damn. What about Mighty

03:25:12.479 --> 03:25:15.319
Mouse? Benson Henderson, he's a fun fact. Mighty

03:25:15.319 --> 03:25:18.899
Mouse actually is a beast. He was one of the

03:25:18.899 --> 03:25:22.450
greatest ever. I agreed. Iminari. Yeah. Underrated.

03:25:22.469 --> 03:25:24.489
People don't know about him. His stats or his

03:25:24.489 --> 03:25:26.790
highlight reels are fucking crazy. Jason Ellis,

03:25:26.870 --> 03:25:28.969
skateboarder. Underrated. Great skateboarder.

03:25:28.969 --> 03:25:31.729
I disagree. Underrated. Horrible skateboarder.

03:25:31.750 --> 03:25:34.590
Wow. Top 10. Ellis? He was top 10 in his prime.

03:25:34.610 --> 03:25:36.290
I don't know anything about the sport. No. He

03:25:36.290 --> 03:25:37.770
was not? You know more than me. No, what are

03:25:37.770 --> 03:25:39.549
you kidding? He wasn't like top 10 in his prime.

03:25:39.549 --> 03:25:42.110
Top 10 in skating? Street skaters? No. He's got

03:25:42.110 --> 03:25:45.889
a huge dong. A lot of tattoos. Not now. Back

03:25:45.889 --> 03:25:48.049
then, before fucking Jackass got to him. No.

03:25:48.309 --> 03:25:51.629
You're crazy. Wow. You're way off. There's so

03:25:51.629 --> 03:25:54.069
many better skateboarders. No offense to him.

03:25:54.250 --> 03:25:57.329
Street skateboarders of that time? No. He never

03:25:57.329 --> 03:25:59.290
can be wrong. Have you noticed this? I'm saying

03:25:59.290 --> 03:26:00.930
I'm giving up for you. You know more than me

03:26:00.930 --> 03:26:02.649
on that. Shane, you feel this? It's a real flaw.

03:26:02.969 --> 03:26:04.870
You know what he does, which is actually really

03:26:04.870 --> 03:26:07.430
impressive? What? Is whenever he is wrong, he

03:26:07.430 --> 03:26:10.889
goes, wow, I never. Congratulations to you. I'm

03:26:10.889 --> 03:26:14.129
gracious. He would know more. It's a psychotic

03:26:14.129 --> 03:26:15.770
moment. Oh, wow. I learned something. Thank you.

03:26:15.770 --> 03:26:18.430
You never called it a black power speech. Interesting.

03:26:18.989 --> 03:26:21.129
You're disgusting. I hate you. I think you made

03:26:21.129 --> 03:26:23.450
that black power thing up. It's possible. Or

03:26:23.450 --> 03:26:26.069
you're just not willing to see greatness. You're

03:26:26.069 --> 03:26:28.309
not right. Because you hate black people. America.

03:26:28.829 --> 03:26:31.309
America does rules. What's your guys' rules?

03:26:31.629 --> 03:26:33.729
We're complaining about all types of gay shit.

03:26:34.279 --> 03:26:37.139
What's your guys' favorite shit in America right

03:26:37.139 --> 03:26:39.780
now, dude? My poop yesterday. Now we're all sitting

03:26:39.780 --> 03:26:41.760
around going. Yeah, what's the best stuff? Let's

03:26:41.760 --> 03:26:43.899
go positive. Cancer culture is bad. Whenever

03:26:43.899 --> 03:26:47.299
there's a bunch of people telling you what you

03:26:47.299 --> 03:26:51.260
can say and what you can do. No, that's a plus.

03:26:51.540 --> 03:26:54.360
Always. The coolest thing is the people that

03:26:54.360 --> 03:26:56.500
go, no. You can do whatever you want. And that's

03:26:56.500 --> 03:26:58.440
what the coolest thing is today. And that's like

03:26:58.440 --> 03:27:01.360
the punk rockers of today, the people that are

03:27:01.360 --> 03:27:04.700
rebelling against this bizarre system that even

03:27:04.700 --> 03:27:06.700
like the artists have somehow or another accepted

03:27:06.700 --> 03:27:09.700
as being the right thing to think and believe

03:27:09.700 --> 03:27:12.379
and trust and go along with, even though you

03:27:12.379 --> 03:27:15.079
know you're in a fucking cult. And the people

03:27:15.079 --> 03:27:17.139
that are resisting that, knowing you're going

03:27:17.139 --> 03:27:19.899
to get labeled a fascist or a Nazi, just because

03:27:19.899 --> 03:27:22.479
you see what the fuck is going on. people are

03:27:22.479 --> 03:27:25.280
out of your mind how about everybody the fuck

03:27:25.280 --> 03:27:28.500
alone those people are the coolest thing about

03:27:28.500 --> 03:27:30.739
america because this is one of the rare places

03:27:30.739 --> 03:27:33.260
on earth where you could still do that for now

03:27:33.260 --> 03:27:37.340
without being prosecuted but why do we blow the

03:27:37.340 --> 03:27:41.040
people who complain the most I feel like they're

03:27:41.040 --> 03:27:43.719
the biggest voices. We don't. We spend the most

03:27:43.719 --> 03:27:45.719
time talking about them. But only if you pay

03:27:45.719 --> 03:27:47.920
attention. If you don't pay attention to that,

03:27:47.959 --> 03:27:51.020
it goes away, like radio. I know, but when Elvis

03:27:51.020 --> 03:27:52.659
was shaking his hips and they're like, can you

03:27:52.659 --> 03:27:55.200
believe it? This is appalling. This is inappropriate.

03:27:55.540 --> 03:27:56.879
Why are we listening to them still? People just

03:27:56.879 --> 03:27:59.000
loved Elvis. But why would you want to be that

03:27:59.000 --> 03:28:00.940
guy? Why would you want to be that guy? It is

03:28:00.940 --> 03:28:03.920
funny. You're a hater. It's funny when you see

03:28:03.920 --> 03:28:06.200
somebody going, this guy, Jordan missed three

03:28:06.200 --> 03:28:10.129
shots today. Don't be on that side. Exactly.

03:28:10.290 --> 03:28:13.030
Listen, not everybody's going to make it. That's

03:28:13.030 --> 03:28:15.370
the reality. If you're all running from wolves,

03:28:15.569 --> 03:28:17.750
not everybody's going to make it. There's going

03:28:17.750 --> 03:28:20.149
to be a bunch of people that get taken out. Yeah.

03:28:20.170 --> 03:28:22.309
That's the only way that we stay alive. It feels

03:28:22.309 --> 03:28:25.309
like a weird stance to take. Like, I'm upset

03:28:25.309 --> 03:28:26.750
about this. I'm going to complain about that.

03:28:26.829 --> 03:28:29.010
You're like, this is your lot life? Of course.

03:28:29.090 --> 03:28:32.069
But you're concentrating on the musings of more.

03:28:32.069 --> 03:28:33.370
But you're doing it too. But we know these people.

03:28:33.430 --> 03:28:36.110
But you're doing it too. Yeah. Forget that. All

03:28:36.110 --> 03:28:38.090
right. What's the great shit out there? All right.

03:28:38.190 --> 03:28:41.729
Soder. Soda, a lot of specials coming out. There's

03:28:41.729 --> 03:28:43.049
a lot of great shit out there. This is a great

03:28:43.049 --> 03:28:45.409
time. UFC is great. You said it best, Ari. You

03:28:45.409 --> 03:28:47.049
said comedy is awesome right now because it's

03:28:47.049 --> 03:28:48.450
dangerous. It's dangerous. It's fun. People get

03:28:48.450 --> 03:28:50.270
so mad and everyone laughs at them walking out

03:28:50.270 --> 03:28:53.110
angry. And it's better. The reactions are better.

03:28:53.290 --> 03:28:55.829
You got to be grateful. It rules. We should be

03:28:55.829 --> 03:28:58.049
so grateful. It's so popular right now. The failures

03:28:58.049 --> 03:28:59.450
among us are making more. I got to host Saturday

03:28:59.450 --> 03:29:01.469
Night Live. Shane got to host Saturday Night

03:29:01.469 --> 03:29:02.309
Live. He's not even a model. Because all those

03:29:02.309 --> 03:29:05.950
people complained. Pushed him up. If they didn't

03:29:05.950 --> 03:29:08.069
fire me, I would have never hosted that motherfucker.

03:29:08.190 --> 03:29:09.610
That's true. I would have still just been on

03:29:09.610 --> 03:29:12.229
there. Yeah. I know. I just get weirded out.

03:29:12.290 --> 03:29:15.829
People we know are angry about stuff that's cool.

03:29:16.030 --> 03:29:17.569
I know, but you want to give them a hug. You

03:29:17.569 --> 03:29:18.690
want to give them a hug. You're like, let's go

03:29:18.690 --> 03:29:20.829
for a hike. People we know, comedians, are like,

03:29:20.889 --> 03:29:22.649
can you believe you said this and said that?

03:29:22.729 --> 03:29:25.309
I'm like, I'm a comedian. I have filtered all

03:29:25.309 --> 03:29:26.649
those people out of my life. I don't want to

03:29:26.649 --> 03:29:28.889
name names. No, there's a lot. You know what

03:29:28.889 --> 03:29:30.510
I'm talking about. You've got to figure out how

03:29:30.510 --> 03:29:32.129
to change conversations. I don't know. Generally,

03:29:32.290 --> 03:29:33.870
what everyone has to do is, as they talk, talk

03:29:33.870 --> 03:29:35.610
about that horrible shit, just be like, hey.

03:29:36.559 --> 03:29:38.159
Great weather today, huh? Or I don't know, whatever

03:29:38.159 --> 03:29:40.180
it is. What the fuck kind of advice is that?

03:29:40.219 --> 03:29:44.360
Shift conversation away. That's crazy. He just

03:29:44.360 --> 03:29:46.260
wanted to talk. Race relations sucks. You got

03:29:46.260 --> 03:29:48.700
to go, hey, juicy, I see the new development

03:29:48.700 --> 03:29:51.040
in this. I've hung out with you at comedy clubs.

03:29:51.120 --> 03:29:53.540
That's not how you talk. That is too much. Have

03:29:53.540 --> 03:29:56.680
you had this, McAllen? It's great. With this

03:29:56.680 --> 03:29:59.040
advice, you should be president. Exactly. Bring

03:29:59.040 --> 03:30:02.659
us all together. 100%. Your advice is so rock

03:30:02.659 --> 03:30:05.739
solid. I'm saying, everybody downs you with fucking.

03:30:05.899 --> 03:30:08.579
Hey, you see the... Talk about the weather, guys.

03:30:08.579 --> 03:30:10.020
Can't you just go with something fun? Here, Ari,

03:30:10.120 --> 03:30:11.819
practice. I'll go, hey, you see the genocide

03:30:11.819 --> 03:30:15.290
going on in Gaza? No, but, dude, there's a hike

03:30:15.290 --> 03:30:17.270
up there that is so fucking good. You can go

03:30:17.270 --> 03:30:19.629
up to Masada. Not right now. Ari, they'll shoot

03:30:19.629 --> 03:30:21.450
you. You're a Jew. That's a different side. They'll

03:30:21.450 --> 03:30:23.370
shoot your nose off. Negative, negative, positive.

03:30:23.389 --> 03:30:25.450
Bro, they have long -range rifles. They'll fucking

03:30:25.450 --> 03:30:27.090
kill you. You can still go to Masada. There's

03:30:27.090 --> 03:30:28.969
no doubt if they see you in the crosshairs, oh,

03:30:29.110 --> 03:30:31.129
yeah, that's one of them. Dude, I love it. As

03:30:31.129 --> 03:30:32.229
soon as I got back from me, everyone's like,

03:30:32.270 --> 03:30:33.850
oh, there's a genocide going on there. I'm like,

03:30:33.909 --> 03:30:35.930
I don't know, man. It was pretty fucking cool.

03:30:36.069 --> 03:30:37.989
Tea leaf salad's great. You at the cool genocide?

03:30:38.489 --> 03:30:42.000
I wasn't at the genocide! You guys are nuts.

03:30:42.360 --> 03:30:44.159
I should have been. No, we're not nuts. We're

03:30:44.159 --> 03:30:46.680
just like trying to get you to clarify. I'm saying

03:30:46.680 --> 03:30:49.239
focus on positive shit. Oh, yeah. Ignore the

03:30:49.239 --> 03:30:50.280
genocide. Talk about the weather. Ignore the

03:30:50.280 --> 03:30:52.200
genocide. Ignore the genocide. All right, well,

03:30:52.200 --> 03:30:54.940
you guys ruined fucking conversation without

03:30:54.940 --> 03:30:56.700
genocide. Well, I'm just saying. Shut up. It's

03:30:56.700 --> 03:30:58.200
just weird that that's people's lot life. What

03:30:58.200 --> 03:30:59.639
do you mean shut up about the genocide? Shut

03:30:59.639 --> 03:31:02.739
up. Let's have fun. I agree. Yeah, let's just

03:31:02.739 --> 03:31:04.579
ignore all the horrific things that are happening.

03:31:04.719 --> 03:31:07.319
Well, let's focus on the genocide a little. Yeah.

03:31:08.340 --> 03:31:10.280
I think we should focus on the genocide. Genocide

03:31:10.280 --> 03:31:12.600
slightly and then have fun once we figure that

03:31:12.600 --> 03:31:15.440
out. Which what? Which genocide? Yeah. You want

03:31:15.440 --> 03:31:17.680
to go down that road? There's a couple genocides

03:31:17.680 --> 03:31:18.879
going on. How many of the multiple genocides

03:31:18.879 --> 03:31:20.959
going on right now do you want to focus on? What

03:31:20.959 --> 03:31:23.239
about the Uyghurs? Should we focus on that for

03:31:23.239 --> 03:31:25.360
a while? Should we take a break from having a

03:31:25.360 --> 03:31:27.379
good time with bros and be like, let's focus

03:31:27.379 --> 03:31:28.799
on genocide? You ever heard of a bar where somebody

03:31:28.799 --> 03:31:30.879
brings up a fucking genocide? It's the lamest

03:31:30.879 --> 03:31:32.969
conversation, guys. No one likes it. What I'm

03:31:32.969 --> 03:31:35.670
saying is you have a tool ready to go, change

03:31:35.670 --> 03:31:37.670
conversation away from fucking dumb shit like

03:31:37.670 --> 03:31:40.129
genocide and horrible shit like politics and

03:31:40.129 --> 03:31:42.030
have it come back to some, hey, did you see this

03:31:42.030 --> 03:31:44.030
new movie? Oh, that was great. I'm not talking

03:31:44.030 --> 03:31:45.450
about genocide. I'm talking about people annoyed

03:31:45.450 --> 03:31:49.969
by a word or a joke. Same shit. When it comes

03:31:49.969 --> 03:31:51.370
up, you're like, let's shift this conversation.

03:31:51.649 --> 03:31:54.110
All right, I'll shift. The problem is social

03:31:54.110 --> 03:31:56.129
media, right? Yeah. Adam Schiff. Because those

03:31:56.129 --> 03:31:58.409
people will post it. And then they get a bunch

03:31:58.409 --> 03:32:01.350
of other cucks. Pile on. It's going to be a vicious

03:32:01.350 --> 03:32:05.690
clip. But I'm saying, in real life, don't you

03:32:05.690 --> 03:32:08.010
think you should have a tool to steer a conversation

03:32:08.010 --> 03:32:10.590
away from the dumb, angry, anger -inducing stuff?

03:32:10.750 --> 03:32:12.850
Of course. So I'm saying, as a society, we've

03:32:12.850 --> 03:32:14.790
got to stop having these conversations. All right,

03:32:14.790 --> 03:32:16.709
all right. Let's shift. As soon as politics,

03:32:16.750 --> 03:32:19.770
religion, genocide, any of this dumb shit comes

03:32:19.770 --> 03:32:22.989
up. The negative shit was like, guys, what are

03:32:22.989 --> 03:32:25.610
we doing? That one seems important. Sure, sure,

03:32:25.629 --> 03:32:27.409
sure. That's what everybody says about their

03:32:27.409 --> 03:32:30.450
thing. Let's shift. It's not my thing. You guys

03:32:30.450 --> 03:32:35.750
ever go on Netanyahu .com? Go on his OnlyFans.

03:32:35.790 --> 03:32:39.200
Ask Jews. Imagine if he had an OnlyFans. God,

03:32:39.219 --> 03:32:41.319
you hear both sides of this stuff get so fucking

03:32:41.319 --> 03:32:44.700
downery. No, no, no. If we're going back to comics

03:32:44.700 --> 03:32:46.739
that became... Look, I'm not worried about comics

03:32:46.739 --> 03:32:50.000
that are actually righteous and have a good point.

03:32:50.120 --> 03:32:53.239
It's just the comics that became like... Speakers.

03:32:54.100 --> 03:32:58.659
Like just CNN Democrat. Yeah. Hardcore. You know

03:32:58.659 --> 03:33:00.799
what they have in common? It's weird. You know

03:33:00.799 --> 03:33:03.159
what they have in common? That's insanity. Low

03:33:03.159 --> 03:33:06.629
ticket sales. All of them. Anytime you see somebody

03:33:06.629 --> 03:33:09.370
start to post a lot about politics. Especially

03:33:09.370 --> 03:33:12.350
if you're talking about like a hardcore Democrat

03:33:12.350 --> 03:33:16.610
politics or other comedians. Yeah. Almost entirely.

03:33:17.209 --> 03:33:18.829
Well, it's weird. They'll get mad at you. You

03:33:18.829 --> 03:33:21.450
see people and it's all they talk about and it

03:33:21.450 --> 03:33:23.309
becomes like, ugh, you're just not doing jokes.

03:33:23.450 --> 03:33:27.049
Yeah. You're focusing on external things because

03:33:27.049 --> 03:33:29.649
you're not happy with the way you're being received.

03:33:29.909 --> 03:33:31.969
Yeah. Or it's making you not just write a joke.

03:33:32.600 --> 03:33:35.420
I was going to do a joke about it, but Jimmy

03:33:35.420 --> 03:33:37.819
Carr did it. And it's how, like, if you go on

03:33:37.819 --> 03:33:40.180
stage and you're like, for real, I didn't mean

03:33:40.180 --> 03:33:42.959
that. I'm sorry. They still won't believe you.

03:33:43.479 --> 03:33:46.860
It's like, you'll not believe my apology, but

03:33:46.860 --> 03:33:49.739
you'll believe the joke. They want to believe

03:33:49.739 --> 03:33:51.299
it. You want to believe the joke. That's the

03:33:51.299 --> 03:33:53.659
weird thing. It's a game. They're just playing

03:33:53.659 --> 03:33:56.409
I got you. They're playing I Got You. But why?

03:33:56.709 --> 03:33:58.270
This is what you want to do with your life? Because

03:33:58.270 --> 03:34:00.909
it's just a fucking game. It's just like playing

03:34:00.909 --> 03:34:04.090
fucking pickleball. It's the same shit. It's

03:34:04.090 --> 03:34:05.290
just they're playing a game. They're trying to

03:34:05.290 --> 03:34:07.450
win. If they get you to complain about it, you

03:34:07.450 --> 03:34:09.610
lost too. I guess so. Exactly. You let them do

03:34:09.610 --> 03:34:12.129
it. Now you're corny. You do to a certain extent,

03:34:12.190 --> 03:34:14.930
but sometimes you can make things seem as foolish

03:34:14.930 --> 03:34:18.489
as they actually are. And if someone else isn't

03:34:18.489 --> 03:34:21.770
doing it, maybe you should. Like, at a certain

03:34:21.770 --> 03:34:24.190
point with some arguments. It really depends

03:34:24.190 --> 03:34:26.129
on how much energy you want to invest in it.

03:34:26.170 --> 03:34:28.350
Sure. And whether or not you recognize whatever

03:34:28.350 --> 03:34:30.870
energy you put out on this thing is coming back

03:34:30.870 --> 03:34:33.370
at you, like, times 100. Right, right. So you

03:34:33.370 --> 03:34:34.989
have to, like, figure out what you want to engage

03:34:34.989 --> 03:34:36.909
with and what you don't. Sometimes you should.

03:34:37.090 --> 03:34:40.299
I just get confused by it. It's confusing because

03:34:40.299 --> 03:34:43.000
you're not a fucking idiot. If you were a fucking

03:34:43.000 --> 03:34:45.860
idiot, you'd be diving right in. Why would you

03:34:45.860 --> 03:34:49.540
do that? Trying to get people to give you likes.

03:34:50.500 --> 03:34:54.579
It's fools. It is fun to see a comic shitting

03:34:54.579 --> 03:34:56.620
on another comic and you look down the time stamp

03:34:56.620 --> 03:35:00.899
and it's like 2 .48 a .m. You should be DMing

03:35:00.899 --> 03:35:03.219
a slut by your doing this instead. You went down

03:35:03.219 --> 03:35:05.600
a YouTube rabbit hole. We're all going to die

03:35:05.600 --> 03:35:09.620
one day. What are you doing? and it's Friday

03:35:09.620 --> 03:35:13.020
night and you have 150 ,000 Twitter followers.

03:35:13.459 --> 03:35:15.659
You don't do that when there's an after party.

03:35:16.799 --> 03:35:20.879
What do you care about people who suck? Isn't

03:35:20.879 --> 03:35:22.819
there so much awesome shit to pay attention to?

03:35:22.860 --> 03:35:24.559
I know, we've got a great time here. But the

03:35:24.559 --> 03:35:26.540
thing is, if people suck in your industry and

03:35:26.540 --> 03:35:28.870
they're doing better than you... You just have

03:35:28.870 --> 03:35:31.850
to understand, like, someone disagrees with you.

03:35:32.389 --> 03:35:34.450
All these people that are going to see that guy,

03:35:34.549 --> 03:35:37.670
they disagree with you. Like, you maybe should

03:35:37.670 --> 03:35:40.270
think about your delivery. Maybe think about

03:35:40.270 --> 03:35:43.450
what you are, like how you are being seen by

03:35:43.450 --> 03:35:45.770
people other than you. Also, you're on the side

03:35:45.770 --> 03:35:48.110
of everyone's having a good time. where you're

03:35:48.110 --> 03:35:51.409
against that. Yeah. You decide that everyone

03:35:51.409 --> 03:35:54.350
having a good time is bad? Yeah, they're bad

03:35:54.350 --> 03:35:56.790
because they don't love you. Not walking out,

03:35:56.850 --> 03:35:59.229
let me go fucking do something else. You hate

03:35:59.229 --> 03:36:02.010
good, fun stuff. My friend is an agent. She's

03:36:02.010 --> 03:36:05.239
like, uh... So who do you know that's funny?

03:36:05.299 --> 03:36:06.899
Because we're getting back into the funny stuff.

03:36:07.360 --> 03:36:09.479
We're not checking boxes anymore. We're getting

03:36:09.479 --> 03:36:11.620
back into funny. 500 people. We're getting back

03:36:11.620 --> 03:36:14.959
into funny? You're a comedian agent. What a hilarious

03:36:14.959 --> 03:36:17.059
thing to say. But that's a true sentence. We're

03:36:17.059 --> 03:36:18.440
going to focus on the funny. We're going back

03:36:18.440 --> 03:36:22.040
to funny. We're forgetting this and that. It's

03:36:22.040 --> 03:36:24.909
all about funny now. I'm like. JFL used to be

03:36:24.909 --> 03:36:27.190
buck wild. They used to have a naughty show.

03:36:27.209 --> 03:36:28.610
They would show you the best, coolest stuff,

03:36:28.690 --> 03:36:29.989
the people who would get down in our life for

03:36:29.989 --> 03:36:32.170
the shortest amount of time possible. And anyone

03:36:32.170 --> 03:36:34.370
who could be good, they'd be like, here it is.

03:36:34.489 --> 03:36:36.149
And now it's like, here's a bunch of check boxes.

03:36:36.270 --> 03:36:40.149
No one bothers going. Yeah. But was that a DEI

03:36:40.149 --> 03:36:43.530
thing? Was that a money thing? They didn't hold

03:36:43.530 --> 03:36:48.020
the line. All these clubs hold the line. But

03:36:48.020 --> 03:36:52.219
that's why UFC is the winner. UFC's the winner.

03:36:52.219 --> 03:36:54.479
Are you going to do well? Hold the line. Who's

03:36:54.479 --> 03:36:55.180
better at grappling? Who's better at fighting?

03:36:55.280 --> 03:36:57.079
And it's, by the way, the most diverse company.

03:36:57.579 --> 03:36:59.760
That's also what comedy does, too. Comedy clubs

03:36:59.760 --> 03:37:01.959
hold the line. No, they don't. They're booking

03:37:01.959 --> 03:37:04.659
whoever's funny. That's when they don't. That's

03:37:04.659 --> 03:37:05.379
when they don't hold the line. That's when they

03:37:05.379 --> 03:37:06.319
don't book the funny. They're booking whoever

03:37:06.319 --> 03:37:11.239
sells tickets. Ari, you're concentrating on comedy

03:37:11.239 --> 03:37:14.840
clubs and festivals the same way. idiots yeah

03:37:14.840 --> 03:37:18.979
comment festivals are gay and gay yeah but hold

03:37:18.979 --> 03:37:20.940
the line of funny you've seen clubs go from like

03:37:20.940 --> 03:37:23.360
great bookers to like suddenly like what happened

03:37:23.360 --> 03:37:25.379
here i'm telling you as a guy no the mothership

03:37:25.379 --> 03:37:27.260
is holding the line but yeah but i'm telling

03:37:27.260 --> 03:37:30.360
you it's not easy to do you have to have extraordinary

03:37:30.360 --> 03:37:33.600
resources to hold the line yeah but that's the

03:37:33.600 --> 03:37:35.959
reason because you have to have money to fight

03:37:35.959 --> 03:37:39.170
to say fuck you You have to be able to say, fuck

03:37:39.170 --> 03:37:41.290
you. Egan used to have a list of people that

03:37:41.290 --> 03:37:43.889
would show the lineups to only one woman or less

03:37:43.889 --> 03:37:45.229
on the lineups. And he's like, well, you didn't

03:37:45.229 --> 03:37:47.069
show yesterday's when there's four women. And

03:37:47.069 --> 03:37:50.549
he'll look back and go, I wish I would have just

03:37:50.549 --> 03:37:53.129
booked funny. But he was getting pressure. He's

03:37:53.129 --> 03:37:54.389
a Holocaust denier. No, no, no. You have to understand.

03:37:54.649 --> 03:37:57.170
He's getting pressure from people that own the

03:37:57.170 --> 03:37:59.409
club who are getting pressure from other outside

03:37:59.409 --> 03:38:01.569
sources. And I'm saying, hold the line. You'll

03:38:01.569 --> 03:38:03.909
just do well financially. You'll do well comedically.

03:38:04.069 --> 03:38:06.290
Everyone will be happy. Just book funny comics.

03:38:06.389 --> 03:38:08.239
You've got to be willing. to let it all fall

03:38:08.239 --> 03:38:11.120
apart. Yeah. If you have a business and this

03:38:11.120 --> 03:38:13.340
is the only way you make money and you have 50

03:38:13.340 --> 03:38:16.180
employees and all of them are dependent upon

03:38:16.180 --> 03:38:18.319
you to keep the doors open. Yeah. If you have

03:38:18.319 --> 03:38:21.479
an email campaign or some kind of crazy campaign

03:38:21.479 --> 03:38:24.819
or protest or something, you run the risk of

03:38:24.819 --> 03:38:28.139
losing money and you get scared. Most comedy

03:38:28.139 --> 03:38:30.639
clubs, most comedy clubs, Ari, most comedy clubs

03:38:30.639 --> 03:38:34.620
make a little bit more money than it takes to

03:38:34.620 --> 03:38:36.930
run the place. Most comedy clubs. Right, right,

03:38:36.930 --> 03:38:39.709
right. They don't do great. Yeah. So in order

03:38:39.709 --> 03:38:41.389
to do— So you're saying that Seattle Place should

03:38:41.389 --> 03:38:44.090
ban those people because it's not holding the

03:38:44.090 --> 03:38:45.649
line? What are you, Captain Straw Man? No, I'm

03:38:45.649 --> 03:38:48.049
saying hold the line. I'm saying hold the line,

03:38:48.129 --> 03:38:50.209
book funny people, and don't worry about them

03:38:50.209 --> 03:38:51.489
because they're not real people. They're not

03:38:51.489 --> 03:38:55.750
real people. Ari, most do. Yeah. Great. You're

03:38:55.750 --> 03:38:58.549
concentrating on the few that can't. No, I'm

03:38:58.549 --> 03:39:00.530
saying hold the line. When you have a good club

03:39:00.530 --> 03:39:02.229
that books good comics, it's great. And then

03:39:02.229 --> 03:39:03.850
suddenly they don't hold the line. And then you're

03:39:03.850 --> 03:39:04.930
like, oh, you're just booking people who sell

03:39:04.930 --> 03:39:07.709
tickets. Well, the craziest non -holding the

03:39:07.709 --> 03:39:11.069
line is the Canadian place that banned Dave,

03:39:11.389 --> 03:39:15.110
Louis, and who else? Schultz? Louis Gomez. Oh.

03:39:15.530 --> 03:39:19.370
Seattle. Dave Smith. Jim Florentine. Jim Florentine.

03:39:19.370 --> 03:39:21.229
Seattle. Who else? One more person. Seattle.

03:39:21.690 --> 03:39:24.069
One more person. Dave Smith. No, no. Seattle?

03:39:24.549 --> 03:39:26.270
Florentine. Oh, Seattle. You're right. Seattle.

03:39:26.389 --> 03:39:28.069
I thought Canadian. Because they're behaving

03:39:28.069 --> 03:39:29.409
like Canadians. Yeah, they're not holding the

03:39:29.409 --> 03:39:30.370
line. They're not just like, we're just going

03:39:30.370 --> 03:39:31.450
to make fun of you. You guys do whatever the

03:39:31.450 --> 03:39:33.250
fuck you want. But they don't understand that

03:39:33.250 --> 03:39:35.409
they just Bud Lighted themselves. And that's

03:39:35.409 --> 03:39:36.690
what's going to happen now. Hey, Bud Light's

03:39:36.690 --> 03:39:39.290
great. It is great. But there was a thing that

03:39:39.290 --> 03:39:42.610
happened. You remember? Before you? No, no, no.

03:39:42.629 --> 03:39:45.229
I don't. I don't. Before you. But that's what

03:39:45.229 --> 03:39:47.209
happens. That's what happened to Google when

03:39:47.209 --> 03:39:49.649
they released that fucking Gemini AI that showed

03:39:49.649 --> 03:39:52.250
the founding fathers as being all black people.

03:39:52.329 --> 03:39:55.510
And all the Nazis were diverse. It's not going

03:39:55.510 --> 03:39:58.670
to work out for you. Just do what's good and

03:39:58.670 --> 03:40:00.850
don't fall prey to that. I understand. But they

03:40:00.850 --> 03:40:02.450
don't know that. They're just trying to stay

03:40:02.450 --> 03:40:04.709
alive. I'm just telling you that comedy club

03:40:04.709 --> 03:40:06.590
owners, for the most part, are barely making

03:40:06.590 --> 03:40:09.149
it. Right. They're just doing okay. They're doing

03:40:09.149 --> 03:40:11.409
okay, and they have maniacs working for them.

03:40:11.510 --> 03:40:13.690
I have to fucking count on a guy like you showing

03:40:13.690 --> 03:40:16.729
up. You're dropping bathtub acid you got from

03:40:16.729 --> 03:40:18.750
some dude in the parking lot on Friday night.

03:40:19.110 --> 03:40:20.870
I'm telling these comic clubs, if you actually

03:40:20.870 --> 03:40:23.030
do want to make a living, don't fall prey to

03:40:23.030 --> 03:40:24.969
what the fucking bloggers are saying. Just book

03:40:24.969 --> 03:40:27.090
Who's Funny. Just book the good comics. You're

03:40:27.090 --> 03:40:29.270
right. Forget all that. As a club, when you get

03:40:29.270 --> 03:40:31.829
a world of shit online, it's scary. It's scary,

03:40:31.829 --> 03:40:34.729
but I'm saying hold the line. Don't fall prey

03:40:34.729 --> 03:40:35.930
to it. I know, but they're scared. Just book

03:40:35.930 --> 03:40:37.950
the great comics, and we'll keep coming out in

03:40:37.950 --> 03:40:40.110
droves. If they have good social media and good

03:40:40.110 --> 03:40:42.010
marketing, that's possible. But if they fucked

03:40:42.010 --> 03:40:44.829
up and they went all Ice House, and they don't

03:40:44.829 --> 03:40:46.770
have... Yeah, then it sucks. Then you have a

03:40:46.770 --> 03:40:48.569
real problem. Ice House did that? Well, the Ice

03:40:48.569 --> 03:40:51.229
House never was good at booking the show. I say

03:40:51.229 --> 03:40:53.709
Ice House not in reference to the new Ice House,

03:40:53.770 --> 03:40:55.770
but with the old one. The old one was one of

03:40:55.770 --> 03:40:58.729
the greatest clubs of all time, but on so many

03:40:58.729 --> 03:41:01.350
nights, it'd be just the worst comedy there.

03:41:01.680 --> 03:41:03.459
It just wasn't good. Yeah. You know, because

03:41:03.459 --> 03:41:05.260
they didn't have anybody that was booking it

03:41:05.260 --> 03:41:07.360
correctly. And then you could come in and you

03:41:07.360 --> 03:41:09.819
could do shows there and it'd be amazing. You

03:41:09.819 --> 03:41:11.860
could book your own shows, put it on your Twitter.

03:41:12.020 --> 03:41:14.639
It would be amazing. But then you come the next

03:41:14.639 --> 03:41:16.000
night when you didn't do that. You're like, what

03:41:16.000 --> 03:41:18.139
the fuck is going on here? They didn't establish

03:41:18.139 --> 03:41:21.840
the right social media presence. They didn't

03:41:21.840 --> 03:41:24.680
establish the right email list. They didn't have

03:41:24.680 --> 03:41:26.180
a good book. But look what happens to like a

03:41:26.180 --> 03:41:28.600
JFL who doesn't hold it. And it was like, we'll

03:41:28.600 --> 03:41:30.540
just book what we think you guys will want. And

03:41:30.540 --> 03:41:32.040
then it's like, actually, nobody really wants

03:41:32.040 --> 03:41:34.250
that in terms of ticket buyers. Well, we want

03:41:34.250 --> 03:41:36.989
to laugh. So just fucking stay with what's funny.

03:41:37.049 --> 03:41:39.090
You will be good. Well, they're finding out,

03:41:39.229 --> 03:41:41.290
bro. They're finding out now. Who cares? They're

03:41:41.290 --> 03:41:43.790
finding out. But that industry is fueled by Hollywood.

03:41:44.049 --> 03:41:46.309
Yeah. Just for Laughs was always in bed with

03:41:46.309 --> 03:41:49.110
Hollywood. And it never figured out how to disconnect

03:41:49.110 --> 03:41:51.409
itself even after Hollywood wasn't valid anymore.

03:41:51.629 --> 03:41:53.250
It should have been just like, this is the best

03:41:53.250 --> 03:41:56.389
comics that we know of that are alive right now.

03:41:56.489 --> 03:41:58.469
Skankfest. Forget all the books. Skankfest. Nope.

03:41:58.469 --> 03:42:00.709
Exactly. No upscale tickets for the fucking industry.

03:42:00.989 --> 03:42:04.040
With Skankfest. Exchange bill. You can't get

03:42:04.040 --> 03:42:06.659
tickets. Shane did bail on that. Shane did bail

03:42:06.659 --> 03:42:09.100
on that. But this speaks to what you're saying.

03:42:09.540 --> 03:42:11.540
Skankfest, you fucking can't get tickets. It

03:42:11.540 --> 03:42:15.799
sells out. It's fucking swarmed. Hold the line.

03:42:15.799 --> 03:42:17.520
That's what people want. Mike, when you get to

03:42:17.520 --> 03:42:20.959
my level, you'll bail. I'll be there every year.

03:42:21.079 --> 03:42:24.340
Hey, good luck, buddy. It's Tim, Bill, and Shane

03:42:24.340 --> 03:42:26.680
on Sunday. Everyone's like, I think they might

03:42:26.680 --> 03:42:29.340
be coming. One day, I'll bail. One day, when

03:42:29.340 --> 03:42:32.040
you get to me, you can bail, bud. I think he's

03:42:32.040 --> 03:42:33.590
going to hold the line. I'm going to hold the

03:42:33.590 --> 03:42:36.670
line. Hold the line. We'll see. Then I'll snort

03:42:36.670 --> 03:42:39.389
it. I actually got sick. I'll be there this year.

03:42:39.569 --> 03:42:42.370
Yeah. I'll be there every year. I actually genuinely

03:42:42.370 --> 03:42:44.889
got very sick. It's a fun time. I'm going this

03:42:44.889 --> 03:42:46.530
year. It's a blast. It's an important thing for

03:42:46.530 --> 03:42:48.450
comedy. My agent pushed back every year, and

03:42:48.450 --> 03:42:50.549
I'm like, I got to go. You got to go. It's an

03:42:50.549 --> 03:42:52.670
important thing for comedy, because it's a festival

03:42:52.670 --> 03:42:56.190
made by comics for comics. Yeah. Wild. It's a

03:42:56.190 --> 03:42:58.139
wild festival. Oh, yeah. Bunker beer. I already

03:42:58.139 --> 03:43:00.559
had like four of them. Nah. One more. I don't

03:43:00.559 --> 03:43:02.799
see any cans. You're talking too much. Also,

03:43:02.879 --> 03:43:05.680
come to Skank Fest, Joe. No, you're not. You're

03:43:05.680 --> 03:43:08.059
not. Ari is. Ari is talking about gay ass shit.

03:43:09.579 --> 03:43:11.139
You guys are fighting about stuff you actually

03:43:11.139 --> 03:43:12.680
agree with. You're talking about gay ass shit

03:43:12.680 --> 03:43:14.360
when I'm talking about important shit. I don't

03:43:14.360 --> 03:43:16.739
give a fuck about some Seattle club that fired

03:43:16.739 --> 03:43:19.760
fucking Lewis. They fucked up. Yeah. And Lewis

03:43:19.760 --> 03:43:21.639
was cool about it. And they're done. Stop attacking

03:43:21.639 --> 03:43:24.270
this club. They do what they want to do. I do

03:43:24.270 --> 03:43:25.530
what I want to do. Yeah, that's fair. That's

03:43:25.530 --> 03:43:27.209
when you know you won. That's the kind of shit

03:43:27.209 --> 03:43:28.969
you say. Yeah, you go, all right, whatever. Respect

03:43:28.969 --> 03:43:31.030
to my opponent. He's a good man. Thanks for showing

03:43:31.030 --> 03:43:33.610
up. Yeah, he went the bigger man on there, which

03:43:33.610 --> 03:43:38.469
is good of Lewis. Easy, big fella. There you

03:43:38.469 --> 03:43:41.629
go, fatty. Chugging down. This is cold. This

03:43:41.629 --> 03:43:43.629
is a cold one, and he's putting it down, dude.

03:43:43.670 --> 03:43:46.049
Damn, that was fast. Damn, Joseph. Such a nice

03:43:46.049 --> 03:43:48.530
feeling. Yikes. If you did that in Iraq, they'd

03:43:48.530 --> 03:43:50.790
shoot you. They'd throw you off a building. Did

03:43:50.790 --> 03:43:53.159
you do that in Iraq? From an eagle. Yeah, if

03:43:53.159 --> 03:43:56.280
you try to marry a guy. Iraq, if you bomb the

03:43:56.280 --> 03:43:58.559
beer, they'd be furious. You know what my favorite

03:43:58.559 --> 03:44:00.520
meme is? Don't waste it. Gays for Palestine?

03:44:00.540 --> 03:44:03.079
Yeah, gays for Palestine and Palestine for gays.

03:44:03.219 --> 03:44:05.579
Gays for Palestine rules. And they still push

03:44:05.579 --> 03:44:07.719
in there. They're still on board with it. I swear

03:44:07.719 --> 03:44:10.739
to God that's a Jewish psy -up, bro. It's Russia.

03:44:10.780 --> 03:44:12.659
It's Russia and China. That's a psy -up. Yeah,

03:44:12.719 --> 03:44:14.319
it's all a psy -up. What's a psy -up? What does

03:44:14.319 --> 03:44:17.020
that mean? A psychological operation designed

03:44:17.020 --> 03:44:19.639
to subvert the people's opinions about things.

03:44:20.260 --> 03:44:23.040
Gaslight you. It's a good trick. Yeah. China's

03:44:23.040 --> 03:44:24.459
doing it right now. That's why everyone's trans.

03:44:24.920 --> 03:44:29.079
It's happening. It's real. It's, you know, one

03:44:29.079 --> 03:44:31.459
school, they found that 50 -something percent

03:44:31.459 --> 03:44:35.700
of the kids identified as LBGTQ or non -binary.

03:44:35.879 --> 03:44:38.940
Just joking around. 50 %? Yeah, 50%. Jesus, that's

03:44:38.940 --> 03:44:41.200
way up. What are the odds that that's real? Zero.

03:44:41.200 --> 03:44:44.440
Well, Dr. Phil. Zero. I like that Dr. Phil. He's

03:44:44.440 --> 03:44:47.569
a good man. He said it best. What? I can't remember.

03:44:49.090 --> 03:44:52.209
Oh, he said, if it's all about equity and equality,

03:44:52.629 --> 03:44:55.790
why the fuck am I paying $150 ,000 for this college?

03:44:56.069 --> 03:44:58.270
If it's all going to come out equal in the wash,

03:44:58.549 --> 03:45:00.489
what am I going to the school for? They never

03:45:00.489 --> 03:45:02.610
do the math on it. Which is a good point. Well,

03:45:02.649 --> 03:45:04.969
the thing is, we're entering into a world where

03:45:04.969 --> 03:45:08.309
AI is going to eliminate most jobs. Yep, 30 %

03:45:08.309 --> 03:45:10.770
of jobs. We have to realize that right now. If

03:45:10.770 --> 03:45:13.329
you're involved in computer programming, good

03:45:13.329 --> 03:45:15.969
luck. Fuck face. I know they told you you're

03:45:15.969 --> 03:45:18.430
supposed to major in this. Fuck face. If you're

03:45:18.430 --> 03:45:20.729
studying that. But by the way, you can learn

03:45:20.729 --> 03:45:23.790
from that and go on. Jamie, what was your major?

03:45:24.469 --> 03:45:27.670
Walmart. What I got is recording arts, but it's

03:45:27.670 --> 03:45:29.670
bullshit. Recording arts. No, gender studies.

03:45:30.270 --> 03:45:32.549
Whatever it was. Kinesiology. That's why you

03:45:32.549 --> 03:45:35.469
got that girl name, dude. Became the number one

03:45:35.469 --> 03:45:38.809
podcast producer in the world. Yeah. How? Just

03:45:38.809 --> 03:45:41.959
doing different stuff. Not humble at all. No.

03:45:42.659 --> 03:45:44.459
Is that your business card? Yeah, I'm getting

03:45:44.459 --> 03:45:46.620
a little nasty. I'm going to drink a little nasty.

03:45:46.760 --> 03:45:48.840
Leave my Jamie alone. He's a good man. I love

03:45:48.840 --> 03:45:50.620
Jamie so much. Jamie, how come you don't come

03:45:50.620 --> 03:45:54.280
to my house anymore? You've been gone. Come hang

03:45:54.280 --> 03:45:56.799
out with me, man. Since you've been gone. I need

03:45:56.799 --> 03:45:58.860
to bring you that meat thermometer. I bought

03:45:58.860 --> 03:46:01.100
a meat thermometer for you. Oh, that's a gay

03:46:01.100 --> 03:46:05.319
code. No. It's not gay. No, no, no, no, no. It's

03:46:05.319 --> 03:46:08.219
about digital. Dude, it unlocks me. It unlocks

03:46:08.219 --> 03:46:10.879
grilling. Yeah. It unlocks grilling. There's

03:46:10.879 --> 03:46:12.879
no guesswork anymore. Can I see that bong? Norman

03:46:12.879 --> 03:46:15.559
needs one. It just unlocks it. I'm knee deep

03:46:15.559 --> 03:46:17.860
in whiskey. Norman, you haven't finished it.

03:46:17.979 --> 03:46:19.940
You had that for an hour. Suck on this eagle's

03:46:19.940 --> 03:46:21.780
asshole. It's a new cup. No, you've had that

03:46:21.780 --> 03:46:24.500
for two hours. All right. Shut up and suck on

03:46:24.500 --> 03:46:27.059
this eagle's asshole. Bring it on, fatty. Put

03:46:27.059 --> 03:46:29.700
it in my ass. Fuck it. That's my favorite thing

03:46:29.700 --> 03:46:32.399
that you call me. Yeah. It's fatty. I like when

03:46:32.399 --> 03:46:34.760
you call me fatty. I like when he calls you fatty.

03:46:34.840 --> 03:46:37.520
I feel a little less pressure. I only say it

03:46:37.520 --> 03:46:39.760
to people who are not fat. It's a good thing

03:46:39.760 --> 03:46:42.100
when you call to me. You set it up to my Conan.

03:46:42.239 --> 03:46:44.139
You're like, good job, fatty. Because it's not

03:46:44.139 --> 03:46:46.340
one of my insecurities. I don't like being short.

03:46:46.540 --> 03:46:48.100
So when you call me fatty, I'm like, that one

03:46:48.100 --> 03:46:49.319
doesn't even register. I don't like when they

03:46:49.319 --> 03:46:50.899
call you short. I never call you short. It doesn't

03:46:50.899 --> 03:46:53.059
bother me. I call you shorty. It's a term of

03:46:53.059 --> 03:46:55.020
endearment. You called me fat earlier. I love

03:46:55.020 --> 03:46:57.219
a piece of shit. That was me. I said you're a

03:46:57.219 --> 03:46:59.479
big fat fuck. I didn't call you fat. He said

03:46:59.479 --> 03:47:02.899
the amount of fuck you are is fat. Does anybody

03:47:02.899 --> 03:47:05.100
that loves you more than I do, they're related

03:47:05.100 --> 03:47:06.879
to you? I never called you a short little tiny

03:47:06.879 --> 03:47:09.489
guy. But I am. But I don't do that because I

03:47:09.489 --> 03:47:11.909
love you. I actually love you, so I don't call

03:47:11.909 --> 03:47:13.750
you tiny guy. I only said it because it was important

03:47:13.750 --> 03:47:16.110
for trying to get a laugh. No, you were reading

03:47:16.110 --> 03:47:22.069
a kickboxing book and you were gay. It's too

03:47:22.069 --> 03:47:24.229
cold. Oh, you didn't finish it? Give me that,

03:47:24.270 --> 03:47:26.190
Marcus. Oh, you son of a bitch. You have to finish

03:47:26.190 --> 03:47:29.690
it. I didn't finish it. I thought I didn't, but

03:47:29.690 --> 03:47:31.770
I did. You can't give people your backwash. No,

03:47:31.770 --> 03:47:33.959
no, that's all clean. Bro, you ever see those

03:47:33.959 --> 03:47:35.620
people that make beer? They make this fermented

03:47:35.620 --> 03:47:38.459
beverage and the women spit into it? What? Yeah,

03:47:38.680 --> 03:47:41.020
Bourdain told me about it. Pull it up. He went

03:47:41.020 --> 03:47:44.100
to this place and they made him drink this shit.

03:47:44.239 --> 03:47:46.040
And he's like, dude, this lady was spitting in

03:47:46.040 --> 03:47:48.139
it. And you have to drink it. I've had that.

03:47:48.459 --> 03:47:50.680
It was some South American. I've had that. You've

03:47:50.680 --> 03:47:52.760
had it? They spit into it. They bury it. They

03:47:52.760 --> 03:47:54.239
spit into it again. They give you a bucket. And

03:47:54.239 --> 03:47:55.239
you're like, how much did I drink? They're like,

03:47:55.340 --> 03:47:58.079
as much as to not be insulting. That's not kosher.

03:47:58.079 --> 03:47:59.600
You're going to fucking drink a bucket of fucking

03:47:59.600 --> 03:48:00.959
- Where was it? Where were you? Ecuador, the

03:48:00.959 --> 03:48:03.139
Amazon. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Damn. New podcast.

03:48:03.219 --> 03:48:05.360
You'll be tripping out now. Yes. More stories

03:48:05.360 --> 03:48:08.459
of this. Can I give you advice? I actually wanted

03:48:08.459 --> 03:48:10.420
to talk to you about this. Okay. I don't think

03:48:10.420 --> 03:48:12.299
you should have a podcast that's about anything

03:48:12.299 --> 03:48:14.899
other than everything. Yeah, I like to hear about

03:48:14.899 --> 03:48:17.760
travel. Yeah, I hear you. But you can always

03:48:17.760 --> 03:48:19.659
hear about travel. Let's do another podcast.

03:48:19.799 --> 03:48:22.600
No, but no, no, no, no, no. Uh -oh. Just Ari

03:48:22.600 --> 03:48:25.639
Shaffir sees the world. Yeah. It doesn't matter

03:48:25.639 --> 03:48:29.239
if it's travel. It doesn't matter if it's fucking

03:48:29.239 --> 03:48:32.399
some AI dork. It doesn't matter. A shoot the

03:48:32.399 --> 03:48:35.040
shit podcast like this one. Just you. Yeah, I

03:48:35.040 --> 03:48:36.799
hear you. Just you. But don't limit yourself.

03:48:37.059 --> 03:48:38.799
I hear you. That's another one. The thing that

03:48:38.799 --> 03:48:41.120
always drove me crazy is like you had to have

03:48:41.120 --> 03:48:43.479
these themes for every show. And I'm like, but

03:48:43.479 --> 03:48:45.340
it never stuck on theme when you and I get it.

03:48:45.340 --> 03:48:47.280
The only time it ever stuck on theme, you and

03:48:47.280 --> 03:48:49.719
I reviewed one of my comedy specials. Oh. One

03:48:49.719 --> 03:48:52.139
of my earliest, earliest comedy specials. That's

03:48:52.139 --> 03:48:54.940
risky. Which one was it? God. That'd be tough.

03:48:55.139 --> 03:48:57.760
I think it was, like, my first one. No. No? No,

03:48:57.780 --> 03:48:59.479
usually I did a first one, but that one, because

03:48:59.479 --> 03:49:01.040
I was on tour with you, was not that one. Oh,

03:49:01.040 --> 03:49:02.899
I think it was Talking Monkeys in Space. Talking

03:49:02.899 --> 03:49:04.940
Monkeys in Space, yeah. Was that Denver? That

03:49:04.940 --> 03:49:08.459
was fun. It was, no. Yes. No, Ohio. That was

03:49:08.459 --> 03:49:10.979
Ohio. Ohio, yeah. Yeah, Rocky Mountain High was

03:49:10.979 --> 03:49:13.780
Denver. But it was, like... Yeah, that's a fun

03:49:13.780 --> 03:49:15.700
one. You had this thing where you would, like,

03:49:15.700 --> 03:49:18.000
have guys, like, review their comedy. And, like,

03:49:18.020 --> 03:49:21.049
I had not listened to it and fucking... 20 years

03:49:21.049 --> 03:49:23.030
so i forgot about it all i was like well this

03:49:23.030 --> 03:49:27.440
is crazy but that's also okay too Yeah, absolutely.

03:49:27.579 --> 03:49:31.620
Instead of having this Ari Shaffir sees the world.

03:49:31.760 --> 03:49:33.340
I get what you're saying. You're saying that's

03:49:33.340 --> 03:49:35.739
all I can do. No, no, no. But I'm saying that's

03:49:35.739 --> 03:49:37.920
just one thing. Travel podcast. You'd be tripping

03:49:37.920 --> 03:49:40.319
out now. Mark Norman's on tomorrow. But I'm saying

03:49:40.319 --> 03:49:41.920
there's lots of other stuff you could do, too.

03:49:41.979 --> 03:49:43.659
Right, like this thing. You know what we should

03:49:43.659 --> 03:49:45.700
do? Trust me. Trust me. Trust me about this model.

03:49:45.700 --> 03:49:48.219
We should go to Spain to discuss Spain. We should

03:49:48.219 --> 03:49:49.579
go to Spain to discuss Spain. I would like to

03:49:49.579 --> 03:49:52.420
discuss Spain in Spain. Why don't we bring some

03:49:52.420 --> 03:49:55.120
equipment and we'll do it in Madrid? Okay. Fatador.

03:49:55.120 --> 03:49:57.989
That's fun. No, that is funny. It wasn't Madrid,

03:49:58.049 --> 03:49:59.770
though. It was outside Madrid. There you go,

03:49:59.829 --> 03:50:01.969
Mark. There you go. We've been waiting for three

03:50:01.969 --> 03:50:06.010
hours. But my point is, Ari. Let's do that. Ari,

03:50:06.110 --> 03:50:08.110
you can do all those things together. I have

03:50:08.110 --> 03:50:11.389
MMA podcasts. I think you have more than one

03:50:11.389 --> 03:50:13.889
thing. I think you doing travel ones are all

03:50:13.889 --> 03:50:15.489
right, though. Yeah, it's cool. But it's okay

03:50:15.489 --> 03:50:17.409
to mush them all together. Absolutely. Or you

03:50:17.409 --> 03:50:18.649
do lots of different things. I think you should

03:50:18.649 --> 03:50:20.750
Bourdain it. I think you should actually do it.

03:50:20.770 --> 03:50:22.829
Kill yourself. I do. I do some of those in foreign

03:50:22.829 --> 03:50:23.889
places. But do that, too. But here's my thing.

03:50:23.930 --> 03:50:26.000
Put it all under one hub. But, yeah. Instead

03:50:26.000 --> 03:50:27.940
of having it all in a bunch of different podcasts,

03:50:28.180 --> 03:50:30.159
like I like the travel one, but I don't like

03:50:30.159 --> 03:50:32.520
the music one, put it all together. I get it.

03:50:32.719 --> 03:50:34.819
That's a good point. High -level yoga as well.

03:50:35.100 --> 03:50:38.780
Ari Shafir. This is the name. This is the name.

03:50:39.379 --> 03:50:41.120
You've never done it? You can't touch your toes?

03:50:41.260 --> 03:50:43.340
This is the name. I'll touch my toes right now,

03:50:43.379 --> 03:50:47.819
dude. Okay. Watch this. Not bad. Not bad. Fair

03:50:47.819 --> 03:50:50.799
enough. Ari Shafir. You can't touch your toes.

03:50:51.370 --> 03:50:56.250
Ari Shafir sees the world. Ari Shafir sees the

03:50:56.250 --> 03:50:59.729
world. Yeah. Dumb Jew, that's a pod. Dumb Jew

03:50:59.729 --> 03:51:01.889
is a pod. That's not bad either. Yeah. Especially

03:51:01.889 --> 03:51:03.989
right now. A lot of people click on it just for

03:51:03.989 --> 03:51:07.430
hate. Yes, I agree. Yes, yes. These dumb Jews.

03:51:07.790 --> 03:51:11.290
You could be like, stand up here. Travel podcast

03:51:11.290 --> 03:51:12.850
you've been tripping about now. Travel podcast

03:51:12.850 --> 03:51:15.809
is not here. Just out there. It's all under the

03:51:15.809 --> 03:51:18.110
umbrella of these guys doing shit. I think travel

03:51:18.110 --> 03:51:22.360
podcast. One. One. Put it all together. It is

03:51:22.360 --> 03:51:24.860
all together if you search Ari Shaffir. No, one

03:51:24.860 --> 03:51:27.879
podcast with all those things connected. Don't

03:51:27.879 --> 03:51:29.940
have multiple podcasts. We do different things

03:51:29.940 --> 03:51:33.379
like travel and eat food and do yoga. That was

03:51:33.379 --> 03:51:36.959
my old one. Just put them all together. Ari Shaffir

03:51:36.959 --> 03:51:39.819
sees the world. You got a lot of content. Put

03:51:39.819 --> 03:51:41.500
them all together. There is a new travel podcast

03:51:41.500 --> 03:51:43.239
out right now. But if you have it, if you call

03:51:43.239 --> 03:51:45.879
it Ari Shaffir sees the world, it's everything.

03:51:46.360 --> 03:51:49.340
It's everything you do. It's anything all together,

03:51:49.479 --> 03:51:51.920
and it's just you. That's what you need. You

03:51:51.920 --> 03:51:53.700
don't need a bunch of people downloading. I don't

03:51:53.700 --> 03:51:55.959
want to subscribe to four different fucking podcasts.

03:51:56.920 --> 03:51:59.319
Shut the fuck up, stupid. Put it all together.

03:51:59.319 --> 03:52:02.219
My status on a podcast. Whatever the fuck. I'm

03:52:02.219 --> 03:52:05.219
not talking about you. He can't lose. He can

03:52:05.219 --> 03:52:08.340
never admit he's wrong. What? He can't admit

03:52:08.340 --> 03:52:10.059
he's wrong. Well, what are you saying? Because

03:52:10.059 --> 03:52:13.319
he has a skeptic tank or whatever. Skeptic tank

03:52:13.319 --> 03:52:15.000
was great. Skeptic tank was that. It was dead.

03:52:15.620 --> 03:52:19.270
But it wasn't that. It was themed. But it was

03:52:19.270 --> 03:52:21.549
also Seize the World. We did stuff about areas.

03:52:22.069 --> 03:52:26.750
But you had a theme. I will say, I did your pod,

03:52:26.969 --> 03:52:29.909
and it's a good idea. I did it, too. But it's

03:52:29.909 --> 03:52:31.489
all us talking about our bullshit travel. We're

03:52:31.489 --> 03:52:33.670
trashing this pod right now. I'm just saying.

03:52:33.790 --> 03:52:35.909
No, we're trying to boost it. I missed you. I

03:52:35.909 --> 03:52:36.829
missed talking to you. We're trying to boost

03:52:36.829 --> 03:52:38.930
it. I know. We also do that. You're saying start

03:52:38.930 --> 03:52:41.930
another podcast. Ari Shaw now. Seize the World.

03:52:43.540 --> 03:52:46.420
I see you in the top ten of iTunes right now.

03:52:46.920 --> 03:52:49.559
Do it better than anybody. Can I have an opinion?

03:52:49.600 --> 03:52:55.079
Well, obviously not. When it comes to podcast

03:52:55.079 --> 03:52:57.299
advice, maybe you should listen to the guy who

03:52:57.299 --> 03:53:00.540
might have invented it. Just listen. But what?

03:53:00.620 --> 03:53:02.059
What are you going to say? You've been wrong

03:53:02.059 --> 03:53:05.000
every time you've ever suggested anything when

03:53:05.000 --> 03:53:07.420
it comes to podcasts. You are consistently wrong.

03:53:07.639 --> 03:53:09.819
I have one of the best early new podcasts in

03:53:09.819 --> 03:53:14.239
the world. In 2003? Yeah. The fuck are you talking

03:53:14.239 --> 03:53:19.940
about? I love you. Yeah. I think you suck. I

03:53:19.940 --> 03:53:24.520
think you're very, I think you got a little gay

03:53:24.520 --> 03:53:26.879
ass Bourdain in you. Yeah, I got a Bourdain in

03:53:26.879 --> 03:53:29.059
me. You got a little bit. I think if you do the

03:53:29.059 --> 03:53:31.860
travel pod and you actually incorporate traveling

03:53:31.860 --> 03:53:34.079
into it. Great. Oh my God. I think that would

03:53:34.079 --> 03:53:35.979
be wonderful. Let me tell you. Those episodes

03:53:35.979 --> 03:53:38.139
are coming. Mark Norman, have you peed yet? No.

03:53:38.340 --> 03:53:41.090
Those episodes are coming, Shane. I did. I didn't

03:53:41.090 --> 03:53:43.469
know we were competing. I've done them in France.

03:53:43.569 --> 03:53:45.489
I've done them in Romania. I've done them in

03:53:45.489 --> 03:53:48.049
other places. Let's go to Spain and do yours.

03:53:49.149 --> 03:53:52.049
100%. That's part of it also. Going overseas,

03:53:52.250 --> 03:53:53.989
doing them there. That's going to be too hard

03:53:53.989 --> 03:53:57.129
on the pod. I do it when I'm out. When I'm gone,

03:53:57.209 --> 03:53:59.809
let's do one more hour. And I don't think you

03:53:59.809 --> 03:54:02.809
have to... It doesn't have to be weekly. You

03:54:02.809 --> 03:54:04.530
can just do it when you do it. Right now I'm

03:54:04.530 --> 03:54:10.309
doing bi -weekly. Doing it twice a week. I get

03:54:10.309 --> 03:54:12.649
it. It could be whatever. That's what it is.

03:54:12.790 --> 03:54:16.510
I would love to go to Spain. You and me fucking

03:54:16.510 --> 03:54:19.430
hang out and chat. Away from Madrid. Kiss a little.

03:54:19.530 --> 03:54:22.010
A little in El Norte. Where everybody looks down

03:54:22.010 --> 03:54:24.950
on it. What's in that pitcher? This? Yeah. Coffee?

03:54:25.049 --> 03:54:28.829
Water? Yeah, give me some agua. I'm going whiskey

03:54:28.829 --> 03:54:30.590
and beer. By the way, you guys are only going

03:54:30.590 --> 03:54:33.629
beer. Yeah, you're always the most sober, dude.

03:54:33.809 --> 03:54:36.430
And I took mushrooms and you didn't. You took

03:54:36.430 --> 03:54:38.129
one block. It turns out it wasn't bad. I took

03:54:38.129 --> 03:54:39.770
two blocks and it didn't do anything. I knew

03:54:39.770 --> 03:54:41.329
it. I knew I should have taken two right away.

03:54:41.610 --> 03:54:45.190
You're a bad shaman. I mean, I'm just trying

03:54:45.190 --> 03:54:49.329
to warn you with those blocks. I feel the half

03:54:49.329 --> 03:54:52.670
a block. Hey. But I've been doing whiskey. Next

03:54:52.670 --> 03:54:57.170
special. April 26th in Washington, D .C. Let's

03:54:57.170 --> 03:55:00.610
go. Oh, special. Yeah. Even though I should not

03:55:00.610 --> 03:55:03.030
devote my time to a podcast, I am also doing

03:55:03.030 --> 03:55:05.350
a special. It's my time. I also happen to be

03:55:05.350 --> 03:55:07.190
a stand -up comic. We're both selling horribly

03:55:07.190 --> 03:55:09.629
in Tennessee. Forget Memphis. Forget Memphis

03:55:09.629 --> 03:55:12.790
and all that shit. On the road. Tennessee is

03:55:12.790 --> 03:55:15.510
killing us. April 26th. AriShavir .com. Dang.

03:55:15.510 --> 03:55:17.370
Good for Ari. Washington, D .C. Capital turnaround.

03:55:17.729 --> 03:55:19.889
And now you got a new one. Yeah. We both put

03:55:19.889 --> 03:55:22.110
one out. I don't know. I put one out in September.

03:55:22.149 --> 03:55:26.700
This past year. Yeah. Yeah. It's harder. You've

03:55:26.700 --> 03:55:29.079
got to write new shit. Yeah. And we're working

03:55:29.079 --> 03:55:32.700
on it. So come see us. Yeah. Now that Joe's gone,

03:55:32.760 --> 03:55:36.440
we can promote. So say hello on the road. Also,

03:55:36.440 --> 03:55:39.920
I think a travel podcast is - Obviously. It's

03:55:39.920 --> 03:55:44.399
a fucking great idea. Yeah. That's crazy. But

03:55:44.399 --> 03:55:46.360
you got to watch out. If you interview fucking

03:55:46.360 --> 03:55:49.459
Ian Fidance about going to fucking eerie Pennsylvania.

03:55:49.899 --> 03:55:51.659
It's not going to be that. It's all weird fun

03:55:51.659 --> 03:55:53.600
places. But I will go to Spain with you and do

03:55:53.600 --> 03:55:54.860
it there instead. I would love that. Instead

03:55:54.860 --> 03:55:56.420
of a studio. Are you going to fly to Spain? Yeah.

03:55:56.479 --> 03:55:59.469
I'll fly you to Spain. You know what I'm thinking?

03:55:59.670 --> 03:56:01.350
When we're free over the summer. I'm thinking

03:56:01.350 --> 03:56:03.590
as soon as I get done with this hour. Yeah. I

03:56:03.590 --> 03:56:05.909
can't wait. Yeah. I'm going to take like a couple

03:56:05.909 --> 03:56:08.649
months. I think I'm going to, it's my, my real,

03:56:08.829 --> 03:56:11.489
my real Chappelle Africa is I'm going to go live

03:56:11.489 --> 03:56:14.770
in Spain for. Spain. I love Spain, bro. I've

03:56:14.770 --> 03:56:17.709
never been. It's, you've never met a culture

03:56:17.709 --> 03:56:20.770
that doesn't give a fuck about anything. Dude,

03:56:20.809 --> 03:56:22.909
2 p .m. Let's just drink and eat small foods.

03:56:23.069 --> 03:56:25.649
Dude, I'm talking no one gives a fuck. Really?

03:56:26.170 --> 03:56:29.649
Across the board. The term siesta. Banks are

03:56:29.649 --> 03:56:31.670
just like, yeah, it's fucking noon. We're going

03:56:31.670 --> 03:56:34.709
to all take a nap. A little siesta? Yeah. No,

03:56:34.809 --> 03:56:36.809
the siesta is, yeah. How long were you there

03:56:36.809 --> 03:56:40.690
for? A year? I was only there six months. Six

03:56:40.690 --> 03:56:42.889
months? Yeah. Wait, when was this? I was there

03:56:42.889 --> 03:56:44.889
for a year. It's coming in an episode of UB Trip.

03:56:45.010 --> 03:56:47.329
You were there for six months? It's coming. It's

03:56:47.329 --> 03:56:48.610
coming. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming.

03:56:48.750 --> 03:56:52.610
I missed that. Spain rules. Uh -oh. Get him.

03:56:52.709 --> 03:56:55.930
Get him. Oh, doesn't like black guys. Doesn't

03:56:55.930 --> 03:56:59.610
like part black guys. I know. I know. He's shaped

03:56:59.610 --> 03:57:01.569
like a monkey, but it's still okay. It's still

03:57:01.569 --> 03:57:04.530
okay, man. He's a human. Holy shit. Cut that,

03:57:04.530 --> 03:57:06.870
James. No, no. I missed it because they would

03:57:06.870 --> 03:57:11.520
cut it. It's about me. Yeah. No, but he's short

03:57:11.520 --> 03:57:14.420
and he looks like a gorilla. Gorilla hands. I'm

03:57:14.420 --> 03:57:18.780
shaped like a primate. You are very primate.

03:57:18.780 --> 03:57:21.579
Not a bad thing. You're primate -like. It's better

03:57:21.579 --> 03:57:25.000
than being a stork. I wish I had more primate.

03:57:25.040 --> 03:57:28.840
Imagine getting stork fucked. You do until it

03:57:28.840 --> 03:57:33.139
goes sideways. Yeah. Yeah. Like that dude came

03:57:33.139 --> 03:57:35.719
up, William Montgomery. Yeah. Came up to you.

03:57:36.219 --> 03:57:38.940
He's like, what was that? And you're like, I'll

03:57:38.940 --> 03:57:41.180
fucking kill you. Everyone's got a percentage.

03:57:41.200 --> 03:57:43.200
Well, I did do that. Right. Well, I actually

03:57:43.200 --> 03:57:46.280
did. Well, you put out a, what do you call it,

03:57:46.280 --> 03:57:49.940
a cold tank video, and your dong was really popping.

03:57:50.000 --> 03:57:52.559
Thank you. I'll tell you this. In the cold. By

03:57:52.559 --> 03:57:54.940
the way, don't let that be lost. In the cold.

03:57:55.100 --> 03:57:57.440
Joe. Yeah. Before I go home. Pre -cold. I don't

03:57:57.440 --> 03:57:59.139
know if you saw it. I don't know if you ever

03:57:59.139 --> 03:58:01.979
saw it. First time we did the cold plunge, me

03:58:01.979 --> 03:58:04.620
and Matt, we had our podcast that week. I was

03:58:04.620 --> 03:58:09.159
like, bro, I did the cold punch with Joe. God

03:58:09.159 --> 03:58:11.639
damn. And then when you have to get in next and

03:58:11.639 --> 03:58:13.479
he's standing next to you and his dong's just

03:58:13.479 --> 03:58:16.500
right, like, you got a good dong, bro. Thank

03:58:16.500 --> 03:58:18.399
you. You have, like, an exceptional dong. You

03:58:18.399 --> 03:58:20.219
got a thick one. You got a thick one, bro. I'm

03:58:20.219 --> 03:58:22.760
very happy. And you can suck your own dick. I

03:58:22.760 --> 03:58:25.819
can. No. Where was that fear factor at? No, it's

03:58:25.819 --> 03:58:27.799
just flexibility. That's a flexibility thing.

03:58:28.059 --> 03:58:30.899
No, it does require a huge deal. Just flexibility.

03:58:31.000 --> 03:58:33.180
If you're at a one -incher. Yeah, you can't suck

03:58:33.180 --> 03:58:35.020
your own dick. But girls can eat their pussies.

03:58:35.079 --> 03:58:37.760
What? I've seen it. No. You have a different

03:58:37.760 --> 03:58:41.579
algorithm than I do. Wait a minute. You see those

03:58:41.579 --> 03:58:45.979
girls that are allowed to breastfeed and pull

03:58:45.979 --> 03:58:47.659
their tits out because they have a fake baby?

03:58:47.819 --> 03:58:51.180
That's nice. They found a hack in the system.

03:58:51.180 --> 03:58:53.719
They have a rubber baby and they pull out these

03:58:53.719 --> 03:58:56.319
big juicy tits and they stick them in the mouth

03:58:56.319 --> 03:58:58.959
of a rubber baby. Yeah, they have giant milky

03:58:58.959 --> 03:59:03.459
boots. The whiskey bottle. Whoa! Gross. Girls

03:59:03.459 --> 03:59:05.399
can eat their own pussy. Is that Kim Congdon?

03:59:05.399 --> 03:59:07.680
It looks like there's two girls there. I don't.

03:59:07.799 --> 03:59:11.500
I see the one you said was Kim Congdon. Good

03:59:11.500 --> 03:59:14.219
for her. I don't recommend any of this behavior.

03:59:14.520 --> 03:59:18.239
Wow. But it is possible. It has been done. I

03:59:18.239 --> 03:59:19.360
licked my own dick once. This is what I'm talking

03:59:19.360 --> 03:59:20.840
about when someone brings up politics. You licked

03:59:20.840 --> 03:59:23.899
your own dick. But there's a giant difference

03:59:23.899 --> 03:59:26.159
between a dick and a pussy. Hold on a second.

03:59:26.360 --> 03:59:28.979
What? Norman just said he licked his own dick.

03:59:29.059 --> 03:59:30.520
I licked it, but it took a lot of stretching

03:59:30.520 --> 03:59:32.899
and a lot of yoga and a lot of hours. You spit

03:59:32.899 --> 03:59:34.739
on it. You didn't lick it. No, I got to lick.

03:59:34.780 --> 03:59:38.299
No way. Yeah, exactly. Touch it to your tongue.

03:59:38.440 --> 03:59:41.180
But then I felt weird about it. As well you should.

03:59:41.379 --> 03:59:43.780
I watched a dude in a video that a friend sent

03:59:43.780 --> 03:59:47.559
me. I really wish he hadn't. But this guy was

03:59:47.559 --> 03:59:51.899
inverted, and he was, like, pumping into his

03:59:51.899 --> 03:59:54.739
own mouth and ejaculating, and then he pumps

03:59:54.739 --> 03:59:57.059
into his own mouth again and ejaculates again.

03:59:57.299 --> 04:00:01.260
Again? He's a hero. If it was a woman, the guy

04:00:01.260 --> 04:00:04.280
would be a hero. If he's really filled with scum,

04:00:04.280 --> 04:00:09.159
Tony, did you say that? Scum Tony. Oh, my God.

04:00:10.779 --> 04:00:13.360
he's the straightest gay guy that's ever existed

04:00:13.360 --> 04:00:17.360
he's like at the cusp of like being he could

04:00:17.360 --> 04:00:24.200
cross over with any stiff wind any stiff breeze

04:00:24.200 --> 04:00:27.200
that fence blows down and he's in a land of gay

04:00:27.200 --> 04:00:31.139
I think he's a heterosexual but if in 35 years

04:00:31.139 --> 04:00:34.540
he comes out he comes out as gay we'd all be

04:00:34.540 --> 04:00:38.069
like Oh, I mean, yeah. I wouldn't be. Tony does

04:00:38.069 --> 04:00:41.870
so well. He does well with ladies. It's stunning.

04:00:41.870 --> 04:00:44.870
He does so well with gays. The girls that he

04:00:44.870 --> 04:00:48.629
dates are so beautiful. So hot. They're so pretty.

04:00:48.870 --> 04:00:52.329
Listen to me. Smooth -skinned. Tony has been

04:00:52.329 --> 04:00:54.709
killing it since the moment I met him, even when

04:00:54.709 --> 04:00:58.549
he wasn't doing well. Right. Tony, like, it's,

04:00:58.590 --> 04:01:02.159
again, it's a fucking talent thing. Do you have

04:01:02.159 --> 04:01:04.639
the talent? If you have talent, Jeff Ross gets

04:01:04.639 --> 04:01:09.120
laid. No disrespect. No disrespect to Jeff Ross.

04:01:09.120 --> 04:01:13.299
Highest laid -to -eyebrow ratio in comedy. Tony,

04:01:14.500 --> 04:01:18.139
me and Theo. Like, two days ago, I was with Theo,

04:01:18.180 --> 04:01:19.860
and we were talking about Tony. And it's so funny.

04:01:19.920 --> 04:01:22.120
We all do the same thing about Tony, where we,

04:01:22.159 --> 04:01:25.700
like, we make fun of him. Like, that show was,

04:01:25.979 --> 04:01:30.799
what I just did was unbelievable. But we all

04:01:30.799 --> 04:01:33.200
make fun of him. And then we're all like, for

04:01:33.200 --> 04:01:36.340
real, though, I love Tony. I love him. The show's

04:01:36.340 --> 04:01:38.600
amazing. He's one of my favorite people. But

04:01:38.600 --> 04:01:41.040
him personally, like, every time I see him, I'm

04:01:41.040 --> 04:01:43.989
like. Nice. Hey, buddy. Nice to see you. That

04:01:43.989 --> 04:01:48.090
guy, when he hosts Kill Tony, he is the best

04:01:48.090 --> 04:01:50.850
host of any show that has ever existed. Yeah.

04:01:50.989 --> 04:01:53.409
That's my position. He's a good host. He's so

04:01:53.409 --> 04:01:55.450
good. But even when you see it, if you saw him

04:01:55.450 --> 04:01:57.989
out. Tucker Carlson to Kill Tony last night.

04:01:58.149 --> 04:02:01.709
Tucker Carlson had no idea. What'd you say? How'd

04:02:01.709 --> 04:02:03.149
you set it up? How'd you set it up? This is how

04:02:03.149 --> 04:02:08.559
I set it up. We were all having dinner. We were

04:02:08.559 --> 04:02:10.780
having dinner with Tucker Carlson and Lex Friedman.

04:02:10.860 --> 04:02:13.319
And we were having steaks and having a good time.

04:02:13.319 --> 04:02:15.620
Were you guys talking about women's rights? We

04:02:15.620 --> 04:02:19.959
were. A little bit. Anyway, so we were talking

04:02:19.959 --> 04:02:22.299
about wild shit. He told me some wild shit that

04:02:22.299 --> 04:02:25.360
I can't wait to tell you. I can't wait to tell

04:02:25.360 --> 04:02:28.180
you some wild shit. Please tell me about the

04:02:28.180 --> 04:02:30.180
war in Ukraine. I'm going to tell you some shit

04:02:30.180 --> 04:02:32.239
that you're going to— Dinner? Dinner? You're

04:02:32.239 --> 04:02:33.940
just going to go, whoa. Some Putin shit? We have

04:02:33.940 --> 04:02:36.200
20 minutes. Anyway, I like the guy. He's a fun

04:02:36.200 --> 04:02:37.280
guy. No, I'm saying, like, when we're done here?

04:02:37.319 --> 04:02:39.930
Anyway. I'm hanging out with Tucker. We're talking

04:02:39.930 --> 04:02:41.610
about the club. He's like, I think it's amazing

04:02:41.610 --> 04:02:43.190
what you've done here. I go, you want to come

04:02:43.190 --> 04:02:45.469
to the club? I go, Kill Tony's on tonight. I

04:02:45.469 --> 04:02:48.510
go, Kill Tony is the foundation. It's the bedrock

04:02:48.510 --> 04:02:50.790
of stand -up comedy in the known universe. Does

04:02:50.790 --> 04:02:52.510
he have any idea what you're talking about? No

04:02:52.510 --> 04:02:54.670
idea. No idea. So I have to tell him. He goes,

04:02:54.729 --> 04:02:57.709
how much can comedians make doing comedy? So

04:02:57.709 --> 04:03:00.989
I say, Kill Tony sold out Madison Square Garden

04:03:00.989 --> 04:03:03.850
two nights in a row. Twice. In an hour. Yeah.

04:03:03.909 --> 04:03:07.120
In an hour. He goes, what? I go, really? I go,

04:03:07.159 --> 04:03:08.559
I'm going to take you to Kill Tony right now.

04:03:08.780 --> 04:03:11.079
I'm going to go. Let's just go to the club. Do

04:03:11.079 --> 04:03:12.399
you have anything to do tonight? He's like, no.

04:03:12.459 --> 04:03:15.079
I go, great. So I text Tony. I'm on my way with

04:03:15.079 --> 04:03:17.200
Tucker. I'm on my way with Tucker Carlson. Tony

04:03:17.200 --> 04:03:19.239
texts me back during the show. Show's happening.

04:03:19.340 --> 04:03:21.659
It's already going on. By the way, at the beginning

04:03:21.659 --> 04:03:24.879
of the show, before anything, Ashley Judd sings.

04:03:25.600 --> 04:03:27.920
Winona. Winona. Wait, what? Ashley doesn't sing.

04:03:28.020 --> 04:03:30.120
Winona Judd. Winona Judd. Kill Tony? She sings?

04:03:30.260 --> 04:03:34.440
She sings. I don't fuck that up. I blame Bud

04:03:34.440 --> 04:03:36.940
Light for my poor memory. Bud Light's the best.

04:03:38.360 --> 04:03:42.239
One thing I love about Shane is he's not a sellout.

04:03:42.940 --> 04:03:46.879
Turns out Bud Light's nice, dude. I've been drinking

04:03:46.879 --> 04:03:50.540
it all night. Anyway, Judd. Yeah, she camped

04:03:50.540 --> 04:03:53.239
out. She goes on stage and sings. And the audience

04:03:53.239 --> 04:03:55.139
goes bananas. They don't even know she's coming.

04:03:55.280 --> 04:03:57.719
They go, ladies and gentlemen, Ashley Judd. 45

04:03:57.719 --> 04:04:02.059
second round of applause, right? Anyway, so in

04:04:02.059 --> 04:04:03.700
the middle of the show, the show's already going

04:04:03.700 --> 04:04:06.879
on. I text him. I'm coming over with Tucker Carlson.

04:04:06.899 --> 04:04:08.940
Norton's on right now. He goes, jump on stage.

04:04:09.180 --> 04:04:11.760
I go, fuck yeah. Wow. So Tucker doesn't know

04:04:11.760 --> 04:04:14.379
this. So I'm in the backstage right behind the

04:04:14.379 --> 04:04:16.600
curtain. I go, this is the crowd. You hear him

04:04:16.600 --> 04:04:18.899
out there? He goes, this is amazing. I go. We're

04:04:18.899 --> 04:04:20.219
going to go on stage right now. He's like, what?

04:04:20.340 --> 04:04:22.780
I go, I'm going to bring you up. And so Tony

04:04:22.780 --> 04:04:24.979
goes, my two favorite people just dropped by,

04:04:25.040 --> 04:04:28.979
Joe Rogan and Tucker Carlson. We go to the curtain.

04:04:29.059 --> 04:04:32.590
Holy shit. Everybody goes nuts. It was hilarious.

04:04:32.930 --> 04:04:34.969
Wow. Kim Patterson goes, my grandma would hate

04:04:34.969 --> 04:04:37.930
you. It was amazing. We saw him right afterwards.

04:04:38.110 --> 04:04:40.809
He was like, I called him a fucking word. What?

04:04:41.229 --> 04:04:45.170
It was hilarious. Wow. Tucker Carlson had some

04:04:45.170 --> 04:04:48.069
zingers. Really? He had some zingers. To surprise

04:04:48.069 --> 04:04:49.909
him with it. It's not just like, I'm going to

04:04:49.909 --> 04:04:52.049
bring you on stage to a comedy show. He had no

04:04:52.049 --> 04:04:54.010
idea. This is a very specific kind of thing.

04:04:54.110 --> 04:04:55.750
By the way, Tony, you can do lots of stuff. Don't

04:04:55.750 --> 04:04:59.590
just do Kill Tony. But you just bring him into

04:04:59.590 --> 04:05:01.700
that. Wait, what did you just say? What the fuck

04:05:01.700 --> 04:05:03.760
did you just say? You giving advice to Tony like

04:05:03.760 --> 04:05:05.700
I gave advice to you? Yes, I'm making fun of

04:05:05.700 --> 04:05:07.879
you. I was like, Tony, don't just do that one

04:05:07.879 --> 04:05:08.500
thing. Not make fun of me. I'm giving you good

04:05:08.500 --> 04:05:10.780
advice, you fucking dumbass. He likes the zin

04:05:10.780 --> 04:05:13.440
too, the Tucker. Yeah, he does. Interesting.

04:05:13.840 --> 04:05:15.899
But to bring him into that environment, no idea.

04:05:16.520 --> 04:05:20.379
No idea. No idea. And so he just goes on stage.

04:05:20.680 --> 04:05:23.639
Wow. The audience goes nuts. He sits down. He's

04:05:23.639 --> 04:05:25.879
like, this is incredible. Yeah. Yeah, this is

04:05:25.879 --> 04:05:28.280
what we do. Yeah. Damn. So it was fun. Do you

04:05:28.280 --> 04:05:31.420
have zingers? He had some zingers. Did Lucas

04:05:31.420 --> 04:05:35.780
come in? David Lucas? No. David's out of town,

04:05:35.879 --> 04:05:37.500
unfortunately. That would have been perfect.

04:05:37.899 --> 04:05:41.540
But William Montgomery murdered. William Montgomery

04:05:41.540 --> 04:05:45.799
murdered. Damn. William Montgomery is another

04:05:45.799 --> 04:05:48.299
dude who's just coming into his own right now.

04:05:48.399 --> 04:05:51.459
He's coming into his own. By the way, I saw it

04:05:51.459 --> 04:05:54.840
day one. Listen, I've known that guy forever.

04:05:54.940 --> 04:05:57.200
I saw William day one. I remember you guys. I

04:05:57.200 --> 04:05:59.799
remember we were at the Vulcan. He would go on.

04:06:00.319 --> 04:06:02.100
He'd sit backstage. You guys would be like, man,

04:06:02.200 --> 04:06:05.139
you sucked. I'd pull him aside and go, bro. Well,

04:06:05.139 --> 04:06:07.420
that's not real. That's not real. I've known

04:06:07.420 --> 04:06:09.799
William Montgomery since L .A. I've known him

04:06:09.799 --> 04:06:12.020
since L .A. I watched it happen. You knew him

04:06:12.020 --> 04:06:13.940
since L .A.? I never said he sucked. Not sucked,

04:06:13.979 --> 04:06:15.260
but like, what the fuck? I never said he sucked.

04:06:15.340 --> 04:06:17.040
I tried to get him to ditch his notes. You hit

04:06:17.040 --> 04:06:18.659
me with the David Lucas, what the fuck was that?

04:06:18.760 --> 04:06:22.260
All I tried to ever do, which he did, was ditch

04:06:22.260 --> 04:06:25.079
the notes. Ah, yeah. That's it. William Montgomery,

04:06:25.260 --> 04:06:27.139
he used to go on stage with a notebook. I remember

04:06:27.139 --> 04:06:29.819
that. And read off the notes. You can't do that.

04:06:29.879 --> 04:06:31.239
I remember that. You're so menacing. I was sitting

04:06:31.239 --> 04:06:33.569
there going, dude, keep reading the notes. It's

04:06:33.569 --> 04:06:36.030
so funny. He's so much better though, right?

04:06:36.209 --> 04:06:38.350
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now he's better. I think

04:06:38.350 --> 04:06:42.090
he's extremely funny. He's funny as fuck, dude.

04:06:42.110 --> 04:06:45.229
I saw him at Kill Tony Houston, I think. And

04:06:45.229 --> 04:06:47.290
it was like, you just don't know what you're

04:06:47.290 --> 04:06:49.610
going into. It's just like, are you really mad?

04:06:49.809 --> 04:06:51.969
You know who's a fan of his? The Black Keys.

04:06:52.250 --> 04:06:54.170
So I have the Black Keys in the podcast. I'm

04:06:54.170 --> 04:06:55.950
like, we fucking love William Montgomery. You

04:06:55.950 --> 04:06:57.670
want to see him tonight? And they're like, fuck

04:06:57.670 --> 04:06:59.229
yeah. So they were coming to the club already.

04:06:59.510 --> 04:07:02.329
By the way, never been to see stand -up. Both

04:07:02.329 --> 04:07:05.350
Dan and Patrick. No, that's not true. Dan or

04:07:05.350 --> 04:07:08.610
Patrick? Not both. No way. Patrick 100%, but

04:07:08.610 --> 04:07:11.969
never saw stand -up live. Patrick 100%. And he's

04:07:11.969 --> 04:07:14.229
the big stand -up fan. They're both stand -up

04:07:14.229 --> 04:07:16.729
fans. But I don't know if Dan had seen it before,

04:07:16.790 --> 04:07:20.510
but Patrick 100 % told me he had never seen live

04:07:20.510 --> 04:07:23.030
stand -up until he came to my club. What? Never

04:07:23.030 --> 04:07:25.149
seen live stand -up? Why not? He only watched

04:07:25.149 --> 04:07:29.620
it on YouTube or on Netflix or whatever. They

04:07:29.620 --> 04:07:31.600
tell me they're a fan of William. So I go, William,

04:07:31.700 --> 04:07:33.260
you're going to go up tonight. I'm going to have

04:07:33.260 --> 04:07:34.840
you go up second. Because you can't have William

04:07:34.840 --> 04:07:36.600
go up first because it's too weird. It's too

04:07:36.600 --> 04:07:38.340
weird. People don't know what the fuck is going

04:07:38.340 --> 04:07:42.620
on. So he goes up second and murders all the

04:07:42.620 --> 04:07:44.500
greatest hits. And they're dying. I was in the

04:07:44.500 --> 04:07:47.059
balcony with the Black Keys while they were dying,

04:07:47.100 --> 04:07:50.000
watching William Montgomery, and I set it up.

04:07:50.219 --> 04:07:52.780
It was amazing. It was amazing. Damn. It was

04:07:52.780 --> 04:07:55.100
nice. It was amazing. So what's Tucker doing?

04:07:55.200 --> 04:07:57.399
What does he think after the show? Did he like

04:07:57.399 --> 04:07:59.299
it? He was blown away. We went to Mitzi's. Yeah?

04:07:59.479 --> 04:08:01.680
We hung out at Mitzi's. He doesn't drink, right?

04:08:01.819 --> 04:08:03.040
He doesn't drink, but he's hanging out with a

04:08:03.040 --> 04:08:06.299
bunch of fucking drunks. Got a lot of hugs. There

04:08:06.299 --> 04:08:08.120
was a lot of sweaty armpits on his shoulder.

04:08:08.920 --> 04:08:10.979
It's annoying sometimes. Did you ever see that

04:08:10.979 --> 04:08:12.959
guy trying to get Tucker Carlson without realizing

04:08:12.959 --> 04:08:15.579
it's him? He's fishing in Central Park. And some

04:08:15.579 --> 04:08:17.120
guy's like, what are you doing here? He goes,

04:08:17.219 --> 04:08:19.639
what do you mean? How much longer do we have?

04:08:19.760 --> 04:08:22.059
He was very nice. How much time? An hour. Whatever

04:08:22.059 --> 04:08:23.799
the fuck we want. Go to the bathroom and come

04:08:23.799 --> 04:08:26.319
back. Go whiz, bro. But he goes, what are you

04:08:26.319 --> 04:08:28.659
doing? He goes, I'm allowed to fish. This podcast

04:08:28.659 --> 04:08:31.399
is like six hours old. It always is. It's fun.

04:08:31.520 --> 04:08:33.100
But this is the craziest one. It's the best.

04:08:33.260 --> 04:08:35.079
How many hours are we in, Jamie? Four hours.

04:08:35.940 --> 04:08:38.180
Four? What? We could just turn it off and keep

04:08:38.180 --> 04:08:40.079
going, but we'd be doing the same thing. We're

04:08:40.079 --> 04:08:42.200
going to be doing the same thing in an hour in

04:08:42.200 --> 04:08:44.059
the fucking green room. That felt like an hour.

04:08:44.639 --> 04:08:46.020
That's what I'm talking about, bitch. The guy's

04:08:46.020 --> 04:08:47.420
like, he's like, why are you filming? The guy's

04:08:47.420 --> 04:08:48.799
like, I'm allowed. He goes, I know you're allowed,

04:08:48.920 --> 04:08:51.020
sir. I'm asking you why you're doing it. He was

04:08:51.020 --> 04:08:52.399
so nice. He was so nice. He goes, no, it's legal

04:08:52.399 --> 04:08:54.319
to fish here. The guy had no idea who he was

04:08:54.319 --> 04:08:56.239
filming. He just thought he was filming a random.

04:08:56.379 --> 04:08:58.200
But this was a long time ago. It was. Yeah, yeah.

04:08:58.219 --> 04:09:00.239
I thought it was like five years ago. No, I think

04:09:00.239 --> 04:09:02.020
it was like early 2000. Well, there's so many

04:09:02.020 --> 04:09:03.659
narratives. He's like, you're allowed to fish

04:09:03.659 --> 04:09:05.319
in any pond in New York, obviously. Everybody's

04:09:05.319 --> 04:09:07.799
so mean. Everybody's bad. It's all narrative.

04:09:08.040 --> 04:09:11.000
It's all just like vibes and bullshit. He's not

04:09:11.000 --> 04:09:13.879
a bad guy, man. He's not. I hung out with the

04:09:13.879 --> 04:09:15.579
dude. He's not a bad guy. I met him a couple

04:09:15.579 --> 04:09:19.139
of times. He's just a guy. Went on the road with

04:09:19.139 --> 04:09:20.819
the dead. Followed him around. He was a grateful

04:09:20.819 --> 04:09:22.940
deadhead. They got the bad idea about all these

04:09:22.940 --> 04:09:26.940
people. He's in the fucking belly of the beast.

04:09:27.600 --> 04:09:29.579
And he recognizes. It was 10 years ago, 2015.

04:09:29.799 --> 04:09:33.219
Okay, 2015. Fly fishing in Central Park. What

04:09:33.219 --> 04:09:36.120
a fucking dork. What a fucking hippie nerd he

04:09:36.120 --> 04:09:38.399
is. And you guys think he's the evil. He's a

04:09:38.399 --> 04:09:41.780
hippie. Well, he's a fly fisherman. In Central

04:09:41.780 --> 04:09:45.600
Park. Yeah. He lives in Maine. He hunts and fishes

04:09:45.600 --> 04:09:48.200
in Maine. Yeah. And he lives in Florida sometimes.

04:09:48.579 --> 04:09:50.799
He's a good dude, man. How you doing, buddy?

04:09:50.799 --> 04:09:53.479
I'm telling you, he's just very odd. He's very

04:09:53.479 --> 04:09:55.879
odd. He's the most Canadian American there is.

04:09:55.979 --> 04:09:57.840
Is he Canadian? No, but he's like, how you doing,

04:09:57.920 --> 04:10:01.639
sir? Right. He's just got that vibe. California.

04:10:01.780 --> 04:10:04.120
Yeah, he's from L .A. He's a nice guy, man. I'm

04:10:04.120 --> 04:10:06.059
telling you. It's just like he takes on controversial

04:10:06.059 --> 04:10:09.219
subjects and becomes a lightning rod for hate.

04:10:09.420 --> 04:10:11.520
If he told me he's never done mushrooms. For

04:10:11.520 --> 04:10:13.600
sure he's done everything. If he said he's never

04:10:13.600 --> 04:10:15.520
done mushrooms, I'd say, I don't believe you.

04:10:15.659 --> 04:10:18.260
He did a lot of coke, man. Really? That was his

04:10:18.260 --> 04:10:21.500
thing. Whoa. I'm telling you, man. He's a lightning

04:10:21.500 --> 04:10:23.760
rod for what? Why is it? Why did they get a vibe

04:10:23.760 --> 04:10:27.120
on someone? Because he was on Fox News. He was

04:10:27.120 --> 04:10:29.920
challenging them. He goes, we shouldn't be at

04:10:29.920 --> 04:10:34.299
war. Wow. On Fox News. Not in his off time. On

04:10:34.299 --> 04:10:37.319
Fox News. What are we doing in this fucking stand?

04:10:37.840 --> 04:10:40.579
RFK is against war. But the problem is that we

04:10:40.579 --> 04:10:44.940
all want to classify people as on our tribe or

04:10:44.940 --> 04:10:48.180
not on our tribe. Good or bad. Are we in or are

04:10:48.180 --> 04:10:51.040
we out? It's ideological. It's too dumb. Minimalist.

04:10:51.040 --> 04:10:53.139
And it's people like us, people like you and

04:10:53.139 --> 04:10:55.379
me, and you as well, that used to be on the left.

04:10:55.459 --> 04:10:57.959
I would consider myself on the left. Most of

04:10:57.959 --> 04:11:00.659
my life. Until I was in my late 40s. And I was

04:11:00.659 --> 04:11:03.059
like, what are you guys doing? This is crazy.

04:11:03.100 --> 04:11:05.700
Well, they lost the plot. The plot was supposed

04:11:05.700 --> 04:11:09.540
to be free speech. Open dialogue, communication,

04:11:10.159 --> 04:11:13.840
acceptance of all people as long as they're not

04:11:13.840 --> 04:11:17.200
doing something fucked up to fucking destroy

04:11:17.200 --> 04:11:19.840
other people's lives. I think it's just the militant

04:11:19.840 --> 04:11:21.760
left is what we're against. So it pushes everyone

04:11:21.760 --> 04:11:23.760
to the right, but we're like, no, no, you guys

04:11:23.760 --> 04:11:25.700
are speaking for us suddenly. That's where China

04:11:25.700 --> 04:11:29.399
won. They won. They empowered that fucking radical,

04:11:29.639 --> 04:11:34.700
excitable, insane, schizophrenic fucking SSRI

04:11:34.700 --> 04:11:38.610
addled left. The laugh that was like the most

04:11:38.610 --> 04:11:41.489
bonkers of bonkers. Shane, put your fucking headphones

04:11:41.489 --> 04:11:45.069
on. TikTok got in there. TikTok got in there

04:11:45.069 --> 04:11:45.870
and fucked us all up. I had headphones on the

04:11:45.870 --> 04:11:47.870
whole time. You didn't get any. What do you think

04:11:47.870 --> 04:11:50.610
about this ban of TikTok? It's coming. I love

04:11:50.610 --> 04:11:52.610
it. It's coming. We need it. Get it out of our

04:11:52.610 --> 04:11:54.569
society. You don't want it, Ari. It's garbage.

04:11:54.829 --> 04:11:57.549
Get it out of us and Instagram and Twitter and

04:11:57.549 --> 04:12:00.290
Facebook. Ban it all. Spoken like a true Jew.

04:12:00.510 --> 04:12:03.309
Ban it all. Listen, this is the problem. You

04:12:03.309 --> 04:12:07.030
know why they're banning it? True Jew. Because

04:12:07.030 --> 04:12:09.069
IDF? Because they're exposing what's happening

04:12:09.069 --> 04:12:12.290
in Palestine? Ban it all. I'm so drunk, I said

04:12:12.290 --> 04:12:16.209
two Jew, I think. Two Jew. He's spoken like a

04:12:16.209 --> 04:12:19.030
two Jew. Ban it all. It's a waste of our time.

04:12:20.090 --> 04:12:24.149
Two Jew. I don't even. Two Jews are called the

04:12:24.149 --> 04:12:30.629
Sklore brothers. I know my rights. But no. Fire

04:12:30.629 --> 04:12:32.450
that up. Who's getting in there? You can't ban

04:12:32.450 --> 04:12:35.370
anything, Ari. If you don't like it, ban it all.

04:12:35.829 --> 04:12:39.469
Listen, bitch. Stay off Twitter. I did one. Mark,

04:12:39.530 --> 04:12:44.989
you did one. I did four. I did four. Don't smoke

04:12:44.989 --> 04:12:50.549
John McAfee's meth. Okay? Don't go on TikTok.

04:12:50.950 --> 04:12:54.379
Same thing. Obviously, don't ban it. Obviously,

04:12:54.379 --> 04:12:57.260
you fucked. But ban it all. What you said was

04:12:57.260 --> 04:13:00.479
ban it, you piece of shit. Yeah, you're a goddamn

04:13:00.479 --> 04:13:02.979
fascist. Any time we can get off the phone is

04:13:02.979 --> 04:13:07.020
better. Ban it all. No. Let people stay on the

04:13:07.020 --> 04:13:09.260
phone if they're so fucking dumb. If they get

04:13:09.260 --> 04:13:12.139
killed by wolves, they're the slowest motherfuckers

04:13:12.139 --> 04:13:15.579
at the end of the line. There's no wolves. There's

04:13:15.579 --> 04:13:17.819
wolves, motherfuckers. Chinese wolves. There's

04:13:17.819 --> 04:13:20.799
Chinese TikTok wolves, and they're trying to

04:13:20.799 --> 04:13:24.520
make you trans. And they know what the fuck they're

04:13:24.520 --> 04:13:26.100
doing. There are Chinese TikTok wolves trying

04:13:26.100 --> 04:13:29.040
to make you trans. In China, they're doing push

04:13:29.040 --> 04:13:32.100
-ups and kung fu, and they're fucking people

04:13:32.100 --> 04:13:34.850
up. We're going to fuck them up. You ever seen

04:13:34.850 --> 04:13:38.709
Chinese movies? I love Chinese movies. Bro, Chinese

04:13:38.709 --> 04:13:40.950
movies where they hire, like, hot shot American

04:13:40.950 --> 04:13:43.350
actors, like, B -level, and they just have them

04:13:43.350 --> 04:13:45.610
get the fuck beaten out of them by Chinese super

04:13:45.610 --> 04:13:48.190
soldiers. They're amazing. Yeah, Frank Grillo

04:13:48.190 --> 04:13:51.069
did a couple of those. The blurry porn. No, it's

04:13:51.069 --> 04:13:54.489
Japanese. Oh, is that Japanese? Chinese does

04:13:54.489 --> 04:13:56.989
not blur. They don't blur? They break out the

04:13:56.989 --> 04:14:01.030
minors. Oh, hey, well, bring it on. Just saying.

04:14:01.930 --> 04:14:04.430
Send me a link. As long as they're Uyghurs. I

04:14:04.430 --> 04:14:07.950
don't have a... But for real, what are they doing?

04:14:07.950 --> 04:14:09.709
When they're 17, it's like, you know, they want

04:14:09.709 --> 04:14:11.549
it. What are they doing, the Uyghurs? Making

04:14:11.549 --> 04:14:13.190
iPhones. Do you want an iPhone or not? No one

04:14:13.190 --> 04:14:14.590
cares about the Uyghurs. Shut the fuck up. The

04:14:14.590 --> 04:14:17.250
Muslims are getting killed. It's slavery right

04:14:17.250 --> 04:14:19.190
now. You know you can't even buy a fair phone

04:14:19.190 --> 04:14:21.600
in America? You can't. I got high the other day

04:14:21.600 --> 04:14:24.440
and I decided I'm going to go full eco. You can't

04:14:24.440 --> 04:14:26.760
even do it. You can't buy a Fairphone in America.

04:14:26.780 --> 04:14:29.639
What's a Fairphone? A $700 phone with no slavery.

04:14:29.700 --> 04:14:33.579
It's a phone that is like sustainably sourced,

04:14:33.579 --> 04:14:37.360
$9 ,000. No, it's not expensive. It's not expensive.

04:14:37.680 --> 04:14:38.860
It'd be a couple hundred dollars more. You can

04:14:38.860 --> 04:14:42.239
replace the battery. It's modular. Let's do regular

04:14:42.239 --> 04:14:44.899
ones. You're doing good. Ari, you cocksucker.

04:14:44.920 --> 04:14:47.239
Thank you. We're talking about fair phones. Yeah,

04:14:47.299 --> 04:14:49.920
why can't you buy one? You can, but you can only

04:14:49.920 --> 04:14:52.579
buy it if you live in another country. Yeah,

04:14:52.760 --> 04:14:54.799
that's crazy, right? All these liberals here,

04:14:54.860 --> 04:14:56.780
you can't buy a fair phone. I don't know what

04:14:56.780 --> 04:14:59.520
the deal is, but in America, you can't buy this

04:14:59.520 --> 04:15:02.079
phone called a fair phone. And the fair phone

04:15:02.079 --> 04:15:04.620
is a phone that's like sustainably sourced. They

04:15:04.620 --> 04:15:06.540
get all their cobalt through ethical mining,

04:15:06.719 --> 04:15:09.440
allegedly. I don't know what's real, but you

04:15:09.440 --> 04:15:12.079
can pop off the back, remove the battery. You

04:15:12.079 --> 04:15:14.540
can take every single piece of it is modular.

04:15:14.540 --> 04:15:17.540
It can be replaced. Yeah, why don't they have

04:15:17.540 --> 04:15:19.940
those? That's crazy. They have it in another

04:15:19.940 --> 04:15:22.020
country. But it should be readily available here

04:15:22.020 --> 04:15:24.739
for all the liberals who are like... Yeah, you're

04:15:24.739 --> 04:15:26.840
literally tweeting on a phone that's made by

04:15:26.840 --> 04:15:30.239
slaves. It's most of the virtual signaling. If

04:15:30.239 --> 04:15:32.520
you get to the... Siddharth Kara, who wrote this

04:15:32.520 --> 04:15:35.139
book, and he did a lot of investigative journalism

04:15:35.139 --> 04:15:37.739
on the Congo, talking about cobalt mining. Tiny

04:15:37.739 --> 04:15:40.760
Asian hands. You get to the... No, it's Africans.

04:15:41.079 --> 04:15:44.059
If you get to the end of the cobalt mining, it's

04:15:44.059 --> 04:15:46.770
fucking people pulling out minerals. with rocks,

04:15:46.889 --> 04:15:50.209
sticks, and shit, pulling shit out, and they're

04:15:50.209 --> 04:15:52.549
getting toxic fumes. Yeah, but Trump's mean sometimes.

04:15:53.969 --> 04:15:56.909
Yeah. Give me a beer. I'm trying to get more

04:15:56.909 --> 04:15:58.989
Americans. Yeah, I'm trying to get more Americans.

04:15:58.989 --> 04:16:00.270
Yeah, which one of you guys is going to vote

04:16:00.270 --> 04:16:03.370
for Donald Trump? Which one of us isn't? I don't

04:16:03.370 --> 04:16:06.129
vote, but I'm in whatever you guys decide as

04:16:06.129 --> 04:16:08.270
a country. I like that RFK. You're going to vote

04:16:08.270 --> 04:16:11.129
for RFK? He seems fun. Over Trump? I'm going

04:16:11.129 --> 04:16:13.370
to vote for Donald Trump. So if you had to vote

04:16:13.370 --> 04:16:16.250
for Trump or Biden, who are you voting for? Well,

04:16:16.350 --> 04:16:19.790
I voted for Biden last time. What? I did, yeah.

04:16:20.610 --> 04:16:25.870
That's so gay. I was mad about the comedy stuff.

04:16:26.450 --> 04:16:30.030
That makes it worse. You don't think it's going

04:16:30.030 --> 04:16:32.489
to kick up again? What's that? You just bonged

04:16:32.489 --> 04:16:35.549
another one? Yeah. You might be my king. I'll

04:16:35.549 --> 04:16:38.010
do that to honor. I didn't want to do this, but

04:16:38.010 --> 04:16:39.629
this is just to honor you. I didn't want any

04:16:39.629 --> 04:16:41.959
fanfare. I hear you. I just want to do that for

04:16:41.959 --> 04:16:43.440
the love of the game. I did a bunch of them secretly.

04:16:43.799 --> 04:16:45.879
That's how I do it. For the love of the game.

04:16:46.200 --> 04:16:49.739
It's good to see. I honor you with this. I'm

04:16:49.739 --> 04:16:51.239
all about the love of the game. Show the honor.

04:16:51.750 --> 04:16:53.770
Can I just say, if you vote, you're a fucking

04:16:53.770 --> 04:16:56.350
dork. Get out of the system. You're a fucking

04:16:56.350 --> 04:16:59.190
dork. I like what you're saying. Ban TikTok and

04:16:59.190 --> 04:17:01.409
no voting. Good call. There you go. I like Elizabeth

04:17:01.409 --> 04:17:03.690
Warren. How about ramp up the Patriot Act, Ari?

04:17:03.969 --> 04:17:06.569
Let's make it even more hardcore. Love it. And

04:17:06.569 --> 04:17:08.290
definitely start your travel podcast. You just

04:17:08.290 --> 04:17:09.469
collected that can and put it in your thing.

04:17:09.489 --> 04:17:11.250
That was the first one. That was the first one.

04:17:11.350 --> 04:17:13.049
That's why you're even close. That was the first

04:17:13.049 --> 04:17:15.010
one. Definitely start. That was the first one.

04:17:15.129 --> 04:17:17.370
I was hoping you didn't see it. Ari. You did.

04:17:17.770 --> 04:17:19.989
Yes. Definitely start your travel podcast when

04:17:19.989 --> 04:17:21.709
you can't fucking travel anymore because you

04:17:21.709 --> 04:17:24.290
signed up for a ban on TikTok. You signed up

04:17:24.290 --> 04:17:26.569
for a centralized digital currency. You took

04:17:26.569 --> 04:17:29.309
the vaccine. I'm going to Cuba. You did everything.

04:17:29.489 --> 04:17:33.370
Oh, great. Who? Communists. Because I want more

04:17:33.370 --> 04:17:37.030
bananas. Go plant bananas, you fucking bitch.

04:17:37.309 --> 04:17:41.079
Do you still have bananas? What? Plantains. Bluntains?

04:17:41.579 --> 04:17:43.559
Bluntains. I need fried Cuban food. Wake up.

04:17:43.620 --> 04:17:45.079
Jamie, play the fucking thing. We're already

04:17:45.079 --> 04:17:46.459
banned on YouTube. Wake up. Jamie. Just play

04:17:46.459 --> 04:17:50.540
it. Will you bong a couple? Can you do some extracurricular

04:17:50.540 --> 04:17:54.020
offshore work? Is there a cover of America Fuck

04:17:54.020 --> 04:17:55.940
Yeah we can play? It's got to be. Just sing it.

04:17:56.059 --> 04:18:04.940
Hold on a second. America. America. America.

04:18:05.920 --> 04:18:10.159
Fuck yeah. Coming to save the motherfucking day

04:18:10.159 --> 04:18:15.899
in America. Fuck yeah. Freedom is the only way.

04:18:16.000 --> 04:18:19.340
Suck my dick and lick all my balls. Dude, I can't

04:18:19.340 --> 04:18:21.020
believe people think we're dumb. Is this to suck

04:18:21.020 --> 04:18:24.479
my ass? Well, listen, let's be real. They're

04:18:24.479 --> 04:18:27.940
right. If you're right now doing a lot of string

04:18:27.940 --> 04:18:30.600
theory work on a yellow legal pad, you're right.

04:18:30.600 --> 04:18:34.120
I was before this podcast. We're dumb. We're

04:18:34.120 --> 04:18:37.379
dumb. If you get on stage tonight, you're dumb.

04:18:37.940 --> 04:18:42.079
Huh? Yeah. If you try to get on stage after fucking

04:18:42.079 --> 04:18:45.200
Ari Shaffir. You're dumb. You don't know what

04:18:45.200 --> 04:18:48.319
you're doing. The same thing. Wait, we are getting

04:18:48.319 --> 04:18:51.420
on stage tonight. Yeah, but you. But you. But

04:18:51.420 --> 04:18:54.079
if you're a string theorist. Oh, right. If you're

04:18:54.079 --> 04:18:56.159
a string theorist who thinks everybody is fucking

04:18:56.159 --> 04:18:58.299
stupid because they don't understand your nonsense,

04:18:58.459 --> 04:19:01.020
you write on a chalkboard with squiggly lines

04:19:01.020 --> 04:19:03.899
and N's and A's. Who was that academic guy who

04:19:03.899 --> 04:19:05.440
said stand -up's easy because you have a captive

04:19:05.440 --> 04:19:07.969
audience and they're all drinking? A Democrat

04:19:07.969 --> 04:19:10.969
said that? Like an academic. God damn it, I'm

04:19:10.969 --> 04:19:12.469
going to find you. Guarantee you it was a Democrat.

04:19:12.690 --> 04:19:14.549
No, it was some academic. It was Stand Up Is

04:19:14.549 --> 04:19:16.370
Easy. It was one of those high -level academic

04:19:16.370 --> 04:19:18.930
names you know. Stand Up Is Easy, it's a captive

04:19:18.930 --> 04:19:20.989
audience, and you're all drinking. So it's obviously

04:19:20.989 --> 04:19:22.950
easy. And I want to bring you to the stand for

04:19:22.950 --> 04:19:24.629
three shows in a row. Well, how about bringing

04:19:24.629 --> 04:19:27.110
you to Mothership and go on after Shane? Yeah.

04:19:27.569 --> 04:19:31.840
Good luck, fuckface. Good luck, fuckface. Gang,

04:19:31.899 --> 04:19:34.600
gang. Good luck. Who was that? Who said that?

04:19:34.920 --> 04:19:37.620
But everyone's stupid if you don't know. It's

04:19:37.620 --> 04:19:39.520
like Malcolm Gladwell, one of those kind of guys.

04:19:39.639 --> 04:19:42.000
They're all silly. Malcolm Gladwell would never

04:19:42.000 --> 04:19:43.979
say that, dude. Jamie, you've got to find this

04:19:43.979 --> 04:19:47.180
for me. Malcolm is a sweet guy. I've had him

04:19:47.180 --> 04:19:49.840
on the podcast. I can kill him in a small room.

04:19:49.940 --> 04:19:53.280
It was him? In a minimal amount of time. Is he

04:19:53.280 --> 04:19:57.620
the British gay guy? Malcolm would eat hot dog

04:19:57.620 --> 04:20:01.260
shit if he went after Shane. If he went after

04:20:01.260 --> 04:20:03.879
Brian Simpson, who's got a new Netflix special

04:20:03.879 --> 04:20:07.180
right now, live at the Mothership, available

04:20:07.180 --> 04:20:09.479
right now. Go on after Brian Simpson, Malcolm

04:20:09.479 --> 04:20:13.729
Gladwell, or stop talking shit. Oh. Wait, that's

04:20:13.729 --> 04:20:19.170
him? Oh, my. Dude, I'm uncomfortable that I remembered

04:20:19.170 --> 04:20:24.969
this. I'm sure he said this in jest, in good

04:20:24.969 --> 04:20:28.430
faith. No. No. I think he said, well, I don't

04:20:28.430 --> 04:20:29.930
know. You're right. You're right. Maybe I'm getting

04:20:29.930 --> 04:20:31.729
caught up in the headlines. I had Malcolm on

04:20:31.729 --> 04:20:34.010
the podcast. He's a good guy. Doesn't mean he

04:20:34.010 --> 04:20:37.030
doesn't stand up. He's dealing with people in

04:20:37.030 --> 04:20:45.020
a tightly controlled setting. With a rich set

04:20:45.020 --> 04:20:50.319
of expectations governing their behavior. This

04:20:50.319 --> 04:20:52.540
one's making fun of us. Don't deal with alcohol,

04:20:53.079 --> 04:20:55.559
you know, and create an expectation that laughter

04:20:55.559 --> 04:20:57.399
is the appropriate response to what they're doing.

04:21:01.040 --> 04:21:03.639
I cannot imagine a better set of circumstances,

04:21:03.940 --> 04:21:06.399
an easier set of circumstances for navigating

04:21:06.399 --> 04:21:11.239
a social situation than those. That's one of

04:21:11.239 --> 04:21:13.899
the best. That's one of the best, dude. Bro.

04:21:14.040 --> 04:21:20.000
I know him. In 1989, Greg Fitzsimmons got attacked

04:21:20.000 --> 04:21:23.819
on stage at Stitch's Comedy Club in Boston. In

04:21:23.819 --> 04:21:27.709
89. This guy jumps on stage. Fitzsimmons and

04:21:27.709 --> 04:21:29.889
him get into a fucking Donnybrook. They're fucking

04:21:29.889 --> 04:21:32.569
brawling in the middle of this comedy club in

04:21:32.569 --> 04:21:36.469
1989 in Boston. The security guards jump on stage.

04:21:36.649 --> 04:21:38.450
They tackle this guy. Fitzsimmons and this guy

04:21:38.450 --> 04:21:41.309
are fucking duking it out. Fitzsimmons, the guy

04:21:41.309 --> 04:21:43.950
goes into the audience. They arrest him. They

04:21:43.950 --> 04:21:46.069
take him out of there. Fitzsimmons goes, anybody

04:21:46.069 --> 04:21:51.430
else want some of this? Fucking right away. Imagine

04:21:51.430 --> 04:21:54.850
he's got a fucking bloody lip. And he finishes

04:21:54.850 --> 04:21:59.079
his set. Respect! Imagine being an audience member

04:21:59.079 --> 04:22:01.500
and going, here's some short, pale guy. I can

04:22:01.500 --> 04:22:04.059
take him. And you're like, you chose Greg Fitzsimmons?

04:22:04.440 --> 04:22:09.120
You idiot. All he does is fight. He fights people

04:22:09.120 --> 04:22:11.680
that get him in trouble socially. He's an Irish

04:22:11.680 --> 04:22:14.120
guy. He's an Irish. I've been friends with Greg.

04:22:14.139 --> 04:22:16.420
Greg and I started out one week apart from each

04:22:16.420 --> 04:22:19.870
other. Wow. Great egg. He's a fucking awesome

04:22:19.870 --> 04:22:23.170
human being. He's awesome. But, I mean, this

04:22:23.170 --> 04:22:26.409
is like 89. This is like before Greg was Greg.

04:22:26.649 --> 04:22:29.149
Before he was the Emmy Award winner, all that

04:22:29.149 --> 04:22:31.250
bullshit. Well, that makes you softer. Yeah,

04:22:31.270 --> 04:22:34.190
but he's still the same dude. He still goes hard.

04:22:34.430 --> 04:22:37.049
Oh, yeah. He still goes hard. He still goes hard.

04:22:37.090 --> 04:22:41.149
I try to get him to move here. He's got a life.

04:22:41.809 --> 04:22:44.969
What does that mean? I've got a life too. He

04:22:44.969 --> 04:22:46.870
has a golf course right next to him. Shut the

04:22:46.870 --> 04:22:49.950
fuck up. There's golf courses out here that aren't

04:22:49.950 --> 04:22:54.250
filled with liberals! Give one to Mark. Mark's

04:22:54.250 --> 04:22:56.469
over there. I'm going to get my whiskey here.

04:22:56.870 --> 04:22:59.770
You still have the same one. You got to eagle

04:22:59.770 --> 04:23:02.870
his whiskey. He takes like that much whiskey

04:23:02.870 --> 04:23:04.850
and pours water into it. Mark's basically a beer.

04:23:04.850 --> 04:23:07.190
He has to pour water in it. But you guys haven't

04:23:07.190 --> 04:23:09.149
had any whiskey. Hold on. Can I say this? I've

04:23:09.149 --> 04:23:11.049
had a lot. Mark, I've got the bottle right here.

04:23:11.069 --> 04:23:13.350
I saw Joe drink three different glasses. Joe

04:23:13.350 --> 04:23:17.030
saw me drink five. There's no way I'm driving

04:23:17.030 --> 04:23:19.389
anywhere tonight. I'll drive. I have to go on

04:23:19.389 --> 04:23:21.840
the end of all these fucking imbeciles. Can I

04:23:21.840 --> 04:23:23.639
say this? Joe's got to do the improv tonight.

04:23:23.780 --> 04:23:26.000
We've done this. Now this is the 11th time. And

04:23:26.000 --> 04:23:27.780
I took mushrooms. I want to open up an improv

04:23:27.780 --> 04:23:30.059
here just for a flex. Joe, give me one second.

04:23:31.879 --> 04:23:35.299
I will let Adam Carolla keep the number one podcast

04:23:35.299 --> 04:23:37.040
in the world on Guinness Book of World Records.

04:23:37.139 --> 04:23:40.860
They have a comedy festival in town and Joe is

04:23:40.860 --> 04:23:43.159
doing his own festival three days in a row at

04:23:43.159 --> 04:23:49.219
his club. It's a flex. Hold on. One second. It's

04:23:49.219 --> 04:23:51.620
a flex. We only get one timeout. Okay, Shay,

04:23:51.780 --> 04:23:54.760
timeout. Timeout. SNL timeout. Jihad. Shut up.

04:23:54.840 --> 04:24:00.159
So this is the 11th one. 14th. So far, we've

04:24:00.159 --> 04:24:03.659
all died. Yeah. The one person who has always

04:24:03.659 --> 04:24:06.739
never died. What do you mean died? Mark Norman.

04:24:06.899 --> 04:24:08.920
No, listen, we've got to keep him right where

04:24:08.920 --> 04:24:11.479
he is. Joe died. He knows what he's doing. We've

04:24:11.479 --> 04:24:15.700
all died. We all need a certain place. Well,

04:24:15.860 --> 04:24:18.159
you've died. But listen, we need a certain place

04:24:18.159 --> 04:24:19.639
in the world. Every single one of these, we all

04:24:19.639 --> 04:24:21.739
die. Leave him alone. You're the one who doesn't

04:24:21.739 --> 04:24:24.219
die. I don't have those quips inside of me. Let

04:24:24.219 --> 04:24:27.399
him be functional. He puked on the table. Leave

04:24:27.399 --> 04:24:30.120
him alone. I disagree. I disagree. I think it's

04:24:30.120 --> 04:24:31.719
too late for this one, but Mark, you've got to

04:24:31.719 --> 04:24:34.180
catch up, bro. You got to catch up. You got to

04:24:34.180 --> 04:24:36.120
catch up. And then every time you go, you got

04:24:36.120 --> 04:24:37.639
to catch up. He goes, I was drinking whiskey.

04:24:37.700 --> 04:24:40.879
You had two sips. Two sips. That's my fourth

04:24:40.879 --> 04:24:42.299
and fifth cup. You're the guy who chugs and goes

04:24:42.299 --> 04:24:46.979
it out. We're all dying. And I took shrooms.

04:24:47.120 --> 04:24:48.819
We're dying. Listen to me. I said fucking nothing.

04:24:49.180 --> 04:24:52.020
Listen to me. We are approaching five hours into

04:24:52.020 --> 04:24:55.579
a podcast that can change the election. All right.

04:24:55.579 --> 04:24:59.620
True. True. True. True. Shut up, Truman. Truman,

04:24:59.860 --> 04:25:04.020
everybody. I think, McGovern. I think we need

04:25:04.020 --> 04:25:08.920
to respect our position in this cultural world.

04:25:09.100 --> 04:25:12.959
I don't respect it. I hate it. I just do. Mark,

04:25:13.079 --> 04:25:16.520
call it strong for next time. Call it. What do

04:25:16.520 --> 04:25:19.899
you want from me? I never turned down a bong

04:25:19.899 --> 04:25:21.479
hit. Give him a bong. This is what I want from

04:25:21.479 --> 04:25:23.500
you. Bring on the bong. This is what I want from

04:25:23.500 --> 04:25:26.180
you, Mark. That's nothing. Ari Shafir, one, two,

04:25:26.180 --> 04:25:28.120
three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. He's

04:25:28.120 --> 04:25:30.899
been counting mine. No, fuck off. They're all

04:25:30.899 --> 04:25:32.959
full of refuse also. Wait a minute. Shane only

04:25:32.959 --> 04:25:36.040
has two. Something is amiss. Shane's got some

04:25:36.040 --> 04:25:38.700
on the ground. You've been stealing his empties,

04:25:38.700 --> 04:25:42.659
you fucking idiot. I don't want it. Oh, you son

04:25:42.659 --> 04:25:46.379
of a bitch. Oh, shit. Obviously she drinks more

04:25:46.379 --> 04:25:51.059
than me. I'm drinking responsibly. America. America.

04:25:54.979 --> 04:26:00.540
Fuck yeah. Coming again. Motherfucking day. America.

04:26:01.159 --> 04:26:10.239
Fuck yeah. This all my balls. Obesity. Jamie's

04:26:10.239 --> 04:26:13.899
back! We're back! Jamie, don't be afraid. Jamie,

04:26:13.959 --> 04:26:15.819
have a YouTube version. I know it's more work,

04:26:15.819 --> 04:26:18.120
but it's 20 extra minutes. AI will do it for

04:26:18.120 --> 04:26:21.920
you. I don't know if it's in our contract. Now

04:26:21.920 --> 04:26:26.860
it's time to talk turkey. Let's talk about the

04:26:26.860 --> 04:26:32.579
economy. Let's talk about Supreme Court and civil

04:26:32.579 --> 04:26:38.770
liberties and trans kids! That smash and grab

04:26:38.770 --> 04:26:42.510
is out of control. And TikTok bands. Yo, did

04:26:42.510 --> 04:26:45.049
you watch the State of the Union? Any of you

04:26:45.049 --> 04:26:48.989
guys watch that? I watched it. Nope. It was nutty.

04:26:48.989 --> 04:26:53.510
I watched it with my dick in my hand. I was doing

04:26:53.510 --> 04:26:55.969
body weight squats. It's kind of sad to watch.

04:26:56.190 --> 04:26:58.590
Well, they hit Biden with some good chemicals.

04:26:58.930 --> 04:27:00.909
The whole gang was on the same page. Can you

04:27:00.909 --> 04:27:04.510
imagine? You get on that Biden cocktail. I'd

04:27:04.510 --> 04:27:09.200
love to get that cocktail. It's got to be better

04:27:09.200 --> 04:27:13.100
than the Kennedy cocktail. Oh, yeah. The Biden

04:27:13.100 --> 04:27:15.540
cocktail's got to be like days from death cocktail.

04:27:15.860 --> 04:27:17.959
Well, you know what's got to be tough? It's like,

04:27:17.959 --> 04:27:20.020
can't you have one less stroke per day? Oh, man,

04:27:20.399 --> 04:27:23.299
dude. Bennett, buddy. Bennett, you can't be this

04:27:23.299 --> 04:27:26.299
cute. You cannot be this cute, Bennett. Come

04:27:26.299 --> 04:27:29.299
on, Bennett. It's unfair to be this cute. You

04:27:29.299 --> 04:27:32.600
know what's unfair is the Viagra. Old people

04:27:32.600 --> 04:27:35.840
just had to suck it up and not get a boner. And

04:27:35.840 --> 04:27:39.319
now kids today are doing Viagra at, like, 21.

04:27:39.559 --> 04:27:41.420
Yeah, back in the day you had to rope around

04:27:41.420 --> 04:27:50.180
the base of your balls. Yeah. You risk blacking

04:27:50.180 --> 04:27:54.500
out. Pull it up like a bull. You're, like, pulling

04:27:54.500 --> 04:27:59.360
on it. Remember those nights you couldn't get

04:27:59.360 --> 04:28:05.159
it up? Bro, the day they figured out Viagra was

04:28:05.159 --> 04:28:07.200
like the day they figured out the internet. Like,

04:28:07.200 --> 04:28:09.420
everything has changed. Everything's changed.

04:28:09.620 --> 04:28:12.639
The game has moved on. The game has moved on.

04:28:12.680 --> 04:28:16.459
80 -year -olds are fucking. That's fucking Rupert

04:28:16.459 --> 04:28:17.959
Murdoch. Rolling Stones is having kids. Rupert

04:28:17.959 --> 04:28:20.500
Murdoch. I'm telling you. 92. That changed everything.

04:28:21.279 --> 04:28:24.579
Having a boat is nice. Why are you peeing in

04:28:24.579 --> 04:28:26.739
that goddamn whiskey bottle, you fucking savage?

04:28:26.840 --> 04:28:29.299
Okay, Joe. I accept your fucking critique. Squeeze

04:28:29.299 --> 04:28:31.159
that dick off like a fucking... You're being

04:28:31.159 --> 04:28:34.319
fair? Squeeze that dick off like a garden hose

04:28:34.319 --> 04:28:36.200
in the 70s. You're going to fill that bottle

04:28:36.200 --> 04:28:38.239
up, aren't you? I would have if I started it

04:28:38.239 --> 04:28:40.079
from scratch. Joe, you're being fair and I apologize.

04:28:40.360 --> 04:28:40.899
I can't believe you're doing what you're doing.

04:28:40.899 --> 04:28:42.620
I should have just pissed in the bottle. I wish

04:28:42.620 --> 04:28:44.700
you did it in the hallway, but it's okay. Well,

04:28:44.739 --> 04:28:48.290
that was the original... Like, one more? Can

04:28:48.290 --> 04:28:50.530
I ask a question? Do we ever show you fucking

04:28:50.530 --> 04:28:53.510
barfing like a fucking baby? I have the video.

04:28:53.850 --> 04:28:58.290
How does babies barf? Like you? How do adults

04:28:58.290 --> 04:29:02.610
barf? How does babies barf? Ari's a big expert

04:29:02.610 --> 04:29:03.770
on babies. Do we ever show you barfing like a

04:29:03.770 --> 04:29:07.969
baby? How's baby's barf? America. You got a baby

04:29:07.969 --> 04:29:10.930
barf. How much do you think it would cost to

04:29:10.930 --> 04:29:14.950
get someone to drink a fucking whiskey bottle

04:29:14.950 --> 04:29:17.270
filled with your piss? A bottle, not a whiskey

04:29:17.270 --> 04:29:19.549
shot. Sell it. A bottle. Sell it. If you had

04:29:19.549 --> 04:29:23.670
that dude from Opie and Anthony. Baby Bird? No,

04:29:23.889 --> 04:29:27.309
the dude. The gay? No, no, no, no, no, no. Pat

04:29:27.309 --> 04:29:30.049
Duffy. Pat. The Baby Bird. Pat from Monarchy.

04:29:30.129 --> 04:29:33.290
Pat from Monarchy. No. Pat Duffy. Different guy.

04:29:34.409 --> 04:29:39.290
Pat from Munaki is the guy who threw up. That's

04:29:39.290 --> 04:29:41.290
all piss. That's all piss. Imagine. Oh, that's

04:29:41.290 --> 04:29:43.450
nothing. How much money would you ever dick into

04:29:43.450 --> 04:29:47.549
your Patreon account? Well, you got to hand it

04:29:47.549 --> 04:29:49.250
to Ari because you're old and you're hanging

04:29:49.250 --> 04:29:53.290
in there. Dude. You could have retired by now.

04:29:53.430 --> 04:29:56.819
I'm 10 years older than him. Yeah, but it's just

04:29:56.819 --> 04:30:00.059
going well. His career has been a goddamn train

04:30:00.059 --> 04:30:04.840
wreck. I have $87 for a bank job. I don't know

04:30:04.840 --> 04:30:06.479
what I'm going to eat tomorrow. And you work

04:30:06.479 --> 04:30:10.700
out currently, regularly. He's a mess. His life

04:30:10.700 --> 04:30:13.020
is hell. I eat chopped cheese all day for a fucking

04:30:13.020 --> 04:30:16.239
week. But Ari's capable of firing up. Me and

04:30:16.239 --> 04:30:18.879
him went out to the bar last night. When we had

04:30:18.879 --> 04:30:20.959
that sober October fitness challenge, he was

04:30:20.959 --> 04:30:23.360
the only guy I worried about. Really? Yeah, yeah.

04:30:23.659 --> 04:30:26.829
Really? Because he's a psycho. Also, I will do

04:30:26.829 --> 04:30:28.469
the thing where I'm like, guys, guys, let's not

04:30:28.469 --> 04:30:30.469
try, let's not try, let's not try. Secretly,

04:30:30.469 --> 04:30:32.770
I'll try until they discover it. You know what

04:30:32.770 --> 04:30:34.549
I almost did? You know what I almost did? But

04:30:34.549 --> 04:30:36.950
I had inquiries out, getting Michelle Wolfe to

04:30:36.950 --> 04:30:39.190
wear my strap for a fucking... I know. Really?

04:30:39.629 --> 04:30:43.090
Yeah. But when you said that... When you said

04:30:43.090 --> 04:30:44.709
that... You wanted it everywhere. And Michelle,

04:30:44.870 --> 04:30:46.950
to her credit, was like, 100%, I'll be quiet

04:30:46.950 --> 04:30:49.729
forever for that. But when you said that, I was

04:30:49.729 --> 04:30:53.139
like, Michelle's going to die. I'm going to take

04:30:53.139 --> 04:30:55.899
Michelle to hell. Wow, that's how deep you go.

04:30:56.120 --> 04:30:57.719
I'm going to take everybody to hell. Michelle

04:30:57.719 --> 04:31:01.040
rules. There's no doubt. I was going to take

04:31:01.040 --> 04:31:04.709
you all to hell. It's just that one fucking hunting

04:31:04.709 --> 04:31:07.649
trip where you worked out for fucking 18 hours

04:31:07.649 --> 04:31:09.629
a day for four straight days. No, it was the

04:31:09.629 --> 04:31:11.969
one day that I watched John Wick 50 times in

04:31:11.969 --> 04:31:15.450
a row. And I literally did seven hours of cardio

04:31:15.450 --> 04:31:17.670
on an elliptical and set off my fire alarm. I

04:31:17.670 --> 04:31:21.770
set off my fire alarm with my body steam. Can

04:31:21.770 --> 04:31:24.829
I say what a motivator spite is that no one's

04:31:24.829 --> 04:31:27.690
taking advantage of? Spite as a motivator to

04:31:27.690 --> 04:31:30.750
hurt your friends, to work out, to read, to do

04:31:30.750 --> 04:31:33.930
whatever. So there. It wasn't even that. Spike?

04:31:34.010 --> 04:31:36.549
Yeah, it was. You wanted to beat Bert. No, you

04:31:36.549 --> 04:31:38.469
think that was what it was. Well, Bert's athletic.

04:31:38.569 --> 04:31:41.809
But it was like I was feeding that wolf. He is.

04:31:41.829 --> 04:31:45.950
He is. He is athletic. He's athletic if you look

04:31:45.950 --> 04:31:48.930
at Division III fucking. Yeah, he's athletic.

04:31:49.329 --> 04:31:53.270
Gauntlet thrown. I was like letting the wolf

04:31:53.270 --> 04:31:55.670
out of the cage. Now, what does the wife think?

04:31:56.319 --> 04:32:01.360
She didn't like it. She didn't want me to do

04:32:01.360 --> 04:32:03.680
it next year. I've met Rogan's boyfriend. He's

04:32:03.680 --> 04:32:07.000
not happy when Rogan gets in the cage. It's not

04:32:07.000 --> 04:32:08.739
when I get in the cage. It's when I unlock it.

04:32:08.940 --> 04:32:11.219
That was the problem. You're like the Hulk. I'm

04:32:11.219 --> 04:32:14.129
always this. The problem is I was like, oh, I

04:32:14.129 --> 04:32:16.409
forgot this was in there. Right. And then we

04:32:16.409 --> 04:32:18.829
were doing that fitness thing. I was like, I'm

04:32:18.829 --> 04:32:19.969
going to kill everybody. Because everyone would

04:32:19.969 --> 04:32:22.489
think it'd be GSP who unlocks it. Let's kickbox

04:32:22.489 --> 04:32:24.850
together. It's not. It's the fucking fattest

04:32:24.850 --> 04:32:27.209
piece of shit alcoholic who fucking gets you

04:32:27.209 --> 04:32:28.989
the fucking wildest. Well, he was just saying

04:32:28.989 --> 04:32:30.770
he was going to win. I'm like, I'm going to kill

04:32:30.770 --> 04:32:32.270
you. Yeah, that's the whole thing. You're going

04:32:32.270 --> 04:32:35.370
to die. You're going to die. I'm going to drag

04:32:35.370 --> 04:32:38.690
you to where I'm about to die, and you're not

04:32:38.690 --> 04:32:41.860
going to live. I'm going to make it. I'm going

04:32:41.860 --> 04:32:44.000
to get, like, let's see what you can do. If you

04:32:44.000 --> 04:32:46.540
can get close, I'm going to go further. I'm like,

04:32:46.579 --> 04:32:47.979
I'm going to leave in a little bit. I was drinking

04:32:47.979 --> 04:32:51.479
electrolytes all day. I was eating nothing but

04:32:51.479 --> 04:32:54.420
ribeyes. It was bizarre. We need to protect our

04:32:54.420 --> 04:32:56.879
parks challenge where we just drink. We just,

04:32:56.959 --> 04:32:59.459
like, don't care and eat burgers. That's way

04:32:59.459 --> 04:33:01.579
healthier. Yeah, way healthier. It's way healthier.

04:33:01.879 --> 04:33:04.720
I don't like that part of me. Really? Yeah, I

04:33:04.720 --> 04:33:06.990
don't like it. I don't like it. Competitive.

04:33:07.009 --> 04:33:09.490
I cannot lose. It's not a competitive thing.

04:33:09.650 --> 04:33:12.529
It's murderous. It's way different than competitive.

04:33:12.549 --> 04:33:15.869
Interesting. Joe's IDF. It goes way further.

04:33:16.110 --> 04:33:18.770
Yeah, it's basically like bombing Gaza forever.

04:33:18.770 --> 04:33:21.889
You will not win this. There'll be no more. I

04:33:21.889 --> 04:33:24.009
was saying to a friend of mine today, I was like,

04:33:24.090 --> 04:33:27.529
what Israel is doing in Gaza is like what a fifth

04:33:27.529 --> 04:33:29.970
grader would do if he said, if you were the president

04:33:29.970 --> 04:33:32.709
of the world, how would you stop all wars? So

04:33:32.709 --> 04:33:38.419
many fuck me. I'll fuck you up 50 ,000 times

04:33:38.419 --> 04:33:41.580
more. I'm going to bomb hospitals. Yeah, I'm

04:33:41.580 --> 04:33:47.500
going to bomb nurseries, mosques. Yeah. I don't

04:33:47.500 --> 04:33:49.720
know. I don't give a fuck. I don't vote. I don't

04:33:49.720 --> 04:33:52.740
vote. Jamie, Jamie. I'm not trying to say you

04:33:52.740 --> 04:33:55.080
are. I don't think you are. I don't care. I agree.

04:33:55.220 --> 04:33:57.799
Listen, that's why there's human beings. That's

04:33:57.799 --> 04:33:59.020
why there's human beings. My side's America.

04:33:59.319 --> 04:34:01.279
I'm not over there. That's crazy. The reason

04:34:01.279 --> 04:34:05.020
why there's human beings still in 2024 is because

04:34:05.020 --> 04:34:07.580
somewhere along the line, someone decided that

04:34:07.580 --> 04:34:11.259
the only way to do this is to go full Bhagavad

04:34:11.259 --> 04:34:14.959
Gita, full I am become death destroyer of worlds.

04:34:15.240 --> 04:34:18.479
I will drop nuclear bombs. That's what fucking

04:34:18.479 --> 04:34:21.259
Oppenheimer said. I will drop nuclear bombs out

04:34:21.259 --> 04:34:23.400
of fucking airplanes. I'll never stop. I'll never

04:34:23.400 --> 04:34:27.380
stop. I will show you what I'm capable of. America.

04:34:29.819 --> 04:34:37.639
Palestine. Free Palestine. Free Palestine. I

04:34:37.639 --> 04:34:40.319
love when Palestine raped those Thai nationals

04:34:40.319 --> 04:34:43.040
who were at a music festival. That ruled Palestine.

04:34:43.220 --> 04:34:45.759
Were they Thai? Thai nationals? By the way. Yeah,

04:34:45.759 --> 04:34:47.360
that ruled. They're just out at a festival having

04:34:47.360 --> 04:34:50.040
a good time. Obviously. Obviously. Good job,

04:34:50.099 --> 04:34:52.639
Palestine. What about the Jews? Way to rape Thai

04:34:52.639 --> 04:34:55.180
nationals. Wait a minute. What about the Jews?

04:34:55.639 --> 04:34:58.459
Always what about? Always what about? For just

04:34:58.459 --> 04:35:00.240
one second you go, hey, maybe we shouldn't have

04:35:00.240 --> 04:35:03.380
raped those Thai nationals. Maybe that was an

04:35:03.380 --> 04:35:05.470
oopsie. Oh, I love Thai. Does that happen? Yeah.

04:35:05.810 --> 04:35:08.049
Really? Yeah. There's other people at the festival.

04:35:08.369 --> 04:35:11.950
Did you see the Thai ladyboys? Four Thai national

04:35:11.950 --> 04:35:15.229
scouts raped and murdered. JMO. At a 1 ,200.

04:35:15.490 --> 04:35:17.630
No, no, no. I'm just saying, wouldn't that an

04:35:17.630 --> 04:35:21.069
oopsie, Palestine? Hey, everybody on that side,

04:35:21.209 --> 04:35:23.069
couldn't you be like, that was wrong? Couldn't

04:35:23.069 --> 04:35:25.450
you just for one moment go. Yeah, we shouldn't

04:35:25.450 --> 04:35:27.569
have raped and murdered those Thai nationals.

04:35:27.590 --> 04:35:29.610
Brother, I think they admit that that was a...

04:35:29.610 --> 04:35:31.729
I think Candace Owens is making a video about

04:35:31.729 --> 04:35:34.150
you right now. Show me anywhere. Oh, shit. Show

04:35:34.150 --> 04:35:36.090
me anywhere they've said that. Both sides are

04:35:36.090 --> 04:35:38.389
fucking retarded. Stop killing. End of story.

04:35:38.430 --> 04:35:41.970
Jamie, pull up the Thai versus the trans women

04:35:41.970 --> 04:35:43.709
are going at it. That's it. Obvious, right? Hold

04:35:43.709 --> 04:35:45.790
on. What he just said. Say it again. Stop killing.

04:35:45.930 --> 04:35:49.930
End of story. That's it. Okay. What about the

04:35:49.930 --> 04:35:52.750
hostages? What about them? What about them? Hey,

04:35:53.069 --> 04:35:55.409
guys, I'm having a great day in Austin. I'm getting

04:35:55.409 --> 04:35:57.450
paid way too much to do a comedy club tonight

04:35:57.450 --> 04:35:59.610
where I'm too drunk to perform. Everything's

04:35:59.610 --> 04:36:01.869
pretty good in my world. Allegedly. Allegedly.

04:36:02.209 --> 04:36:05.290
You're going to be fine. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing

04:36:05.290 --> 04:36:08.869
comedy. America. America's obviously still number

04:36:08.869 --> 04:36:10.849
one. Did you see the Thai ladyboys are fighting

04:36:10.849 --> 04:36:13.450
with the trans people? Why? Because they're like,

04:36:13.650 --> 04:36:15.869
hey, you're stealing our thunder. I did a bit

04:36:15.869 --> 04:36:17.709
in my special about ladyboys being like, that's

04:36:17.709 --> 04:36:19.799
transphobic. I'm like. They're different than

04:36:19.799 --> 04:36:22.180
you. Oh, they're fighting. Yeah. They're going

04:36:22.180 --> 04:36:25.400
at it. It's a news story. Really? Pull it up.

04:36:25.400 --> 04:36:28.119
Ladyboys. Different category. Give it a go. Thank

04:36:28.119 --> 04:36:32.159
you. Give it a go. It's a real problem. JMO,

04:36:32.240 --> 04:36:35.319
also, cheer up, dude. You've been a real cocksucker

04:36:35.319 --> 04:36:37.040
this entire time. Cheer up for Bryan Simpson.

04:36:37.119 --> 04:36:39.700
His new Netflix special available right now.

04:36:39.700 --> 04:36:42.020
What's it called? Live at the Mothership. On

04:36:42.020 --> 04:36:44.880
Netflix. Look great. Look great. Yeah, what's

04:36:44.880 --> 04:36:48.349
it called again? Comedy is great. What? That's

04:36:48.349 --> 04:36:51.389
the one. That's the one. Or Adam on my pod. He

04:36:51.389 --> 04:36:53.770
was... Brian Simpson. Just put in B -R -I -A.

04:36:53.830 --> 04:36:57.150
There it is. Huge transsexual prostitute brawl.

04:36:57.369 --> 04:37:00.330
This is the Brian Simpson trailer? See? 100 strong

04:37:00.330 --> 04:37:05.229
ladyboy mob fighting in Bangkok turf war. Dude,

04:37:05.270 --> 04:37:07.810
they'll go nuts on you. I knew this was going

04:37:07.810 --> 04:37:10.849
to happen. Keep going. Keep going. With escorts?

04:37:12.220 --> 04:37:14.119
Well, the ladyboys are fighting with the trans

04:37:14.119 --> 04:37:16.000
people because that was their thing. Hold on

04:37:16.000 --> 04:37:18.000
a second. I'm trying to take a good look at these

04:37:18.000 --> 04:37:22.000
new shabbies. Trans prostitutes from the Philippines

04:37:22.000 --> 04:37:24.580
and Thai ladyboys brawled in Bangkok. What are

04:37:24.580 --> 04:37:26.580
Philippines doing on the fucking opposite side?

04:37:26.680 --> 04:37:28.419
First of all. They shouldn't be there. Where

04:37:28.419 --> 04:37:30.319
is the live stream? Oh, yeah. Now you understand

04:37:30.319 --> 04:37:39.599
Gaza. Clothes and throw punches. Clambering over

04:37:39.599 --> 04:37:43.209
each other. What? To tear off rivals' clothes

04:37:43.209 --> 04:37:46.409
and throw punches. Well, I mean, this was...

04:37:46.409 --> 04:37:49.409
We all knew this was coming. Here's the video

04:37:49.409 --> 04:37:51.290
footage. Jordan and Egypt, like, ooh, they're

04:37:51.290 --> 04:37:52.849
gross. Look at everyone with their phone out.

04:37:53.009 --> 04:37:55.150
Jews, you deal with them. Look at everyone with

04:37:55.150 --> 04:37:57.509
their phone out. Yeah. Oh, that was nothing.

04:37:57.669 --> 04:38:03.500
That was propaganda. It's an Android phone. Whoa.

04:38:04.000 --> 04:38:06.479
Look at that guy. He's just laughing. He's like,

04:38:06.540 --> 04:38:08.599
look at this lady boy. He's not laughing. He's

04:38:08.599 --> 04:38:11.299
just Asian. You can only see his eyes. He loves

04:38:11.299 --> 04:38:15.540
it. Oh, shit. Bro, this is wild. Well, oh, look

04:38:15.540 --> 04:38:17.060
at that. Oh, I thought she was naked. Meanwhile,

04:38:17.099 --> 04:38:19.400
there's three people still wearing masks. Yep.

04:38:19.599 --> 04:38:21.439
I'm sorry, buddy. Responsibly. Look at those

04:38:21.439 --> 04:38:23.680
little mask wearers. Well, we all knew that the

04:38:23.680 --> 04:38:25.979
trans community was going to butt up against

04:38:25.979 --> 04:38:28.659
the lady boy community. Yep. Yep. It's a different

04:38:28.659 --> 04:38:31.639
thing. It's a different thing. Ladyboys and trans

04:38:31.639 --> 04:38:35.180
are not the same thing. They're similar. Unfortunately,

04:38:35.240 --> 04:38:37.380
when I was in Thailand, I was with my whole family.

04:38:37.639 --> 04:38:40.779
I would have paid a visit to those boys and I

04:38:40.779 --> 04:38:42.479
would have given them the business. I would have

04:38:42.479 --> 04:38:45.139
watched a little kickboxing, keep moving, fish

04:38:45.139 --> 04:38:48.180
eating your fucking calluses off your feet. Jay?

04:38:48.279 --> 04:38:50.310
Joe? That was weird. You got to come on an episode

04:38:50.310 --> 04:38:52.369
of You Be Trippin', and I'll tell you about some

04:38:52.369 --> 04:38:54.029
stuff in Thailand that you should have done if

04:38:54.029 --> 04:38:55.869
you had left your family. How about we just do

04:38:55.869 --> 04:38:58.750
it Ari Shaffir Sees the World? 100%. Let's do

04:38:58.750 --> 04:39:00.650
it. Let's do it. I'll call it whatever I want.

04:39:01.869 --> 04:39:07.189
Just trust me. Now. I got good instincts. Joe

04:39:07.189 --> 04:39:09.830
has, if you were going to trust anyone when it

04:39:09.830 --> 04:39:12.689
comes to maybe a podcast being successful, Joe

04:39:12.689 --> 04:39:14.090
Rogan's a decent podcast. Joe, what if they've

04:39:14.090 --> 04:39:17.049
won podcasts, you've done this. I've got good

04:39:17.049 --> 04:39:19.189
instincts. Before I fear gave me, by the way,

04:39:19.189 --> 04:39:21.810
the worst advice I've ever had in the history.

04:39:22.090 --> 04:39:27.900
Other than my wife. One time, my kids were going

04:39:27.900 --> 04:39:30.479
to Disneyland. My wife was like, you don't have

04:39:30.479 --> 04:39:32.900
to do a podcast. I'm like, but I do. I have to.

04:39:33.180 --> 04:39:35.220
She's like, thank God you didn't listen to me.

04:39:35.380 --> 04:39:37.759
I was like, I have to. I told people I was going

04:39:37.759 --> 04:39:39.959
to do it. But Ari was like, you got to edit that.

04:39:40.459 --> 04:39:42.419
Got to be under an hour. Got to be under an hour.

04:39:42.580 --> 04:39:45.060
Got to be under an hour. It makes no sense. Who

04:39:45.060 --> 04:39:47.240
would listen more than an hour? Joe, you're retiring.

04:39:47.540 --> 04:39:49.400
Who would listen more than an hour? It's stupid.

04:39:50.020 --> 04:39:52.080
I know it's wrong. But this is what I said. I

04:39:52.080 --> 04:39:54.779
said, so they don't have to listen. The most

04:39:54.779 --> 04:39:56.400
important thing is just do whatever the fuck

04:39:56.400 --> 04:39:58.459
you want to do. Joe? I had not considered that.

04:39:58.659 --> 04:40:02.299
And now the people listening to this show have

04:40:02.299 --> 04:40:05.459
made it this far. Yeah. Now they've entered a

04:40:05.459 --> 04:40:08.700
new stratosphere of us being... I'm trying to

04:40:08.700 --> 04:40:12.560
tell you. Ari Shaffir sees the world. Ari Shaffir.

04:40:12.560 --> 04:40:17.220
I'm into it. What is this drummer? It's a cover.

04:40:19.130 --> 04:40:21.990
Jamie just consulted with a lawyer. Jamie, you

04:40:21.990 --> 04:40:26.110
just ruined our show. No, I like this guy. It's

04:40:26.110 --> 04:40:28.229
a cover, but it doesn't matter. It's so good.

04:40:28.590 --> 04:40:31.569
This guy's mustache rules. Hey, Shane, how come

04:40:31.569 --> 04:40:34.909
McCaffrey wouldn't do your fucking thing? How

04:40:34.909 --> 04:40:36.369
come he bitched out about it? I'll tell you what.

04:40:36.470 --> 04:40:37.889
How come he bitched out about it? Because he

04:40:37.889 --> 04:40:41.310
didn't want to win the Super Bowl anyway? No,

04:40:41.409 --> 04:40:43.389
no, no. Don't ever talk about McCaffrey that

04:40:43.389 --> 04:40:45.750
way. This fucking McCaffrey guy bitched out one

04:40:45.750 --> 04:40:47.389
dude Shane's fucking thing. No, no, no, no, no,

04:40:47.389 --> 04:40:49.630
no. Everyone else did it, but one guy who didn't

04:40:49.630 --> 04:40:51.369
win a Super Bowl didn't do it. McCaffrey got

04:40:51.369 --> 04:40:54.229
too fired up. Too fired up. When he was scoring

04:40:54.229 --> 04:40:56.790
a touchdown, he was genuinely, he wasn't thinking

04:40:56.790 --> 04:40:58.669
about anything. That's fair. I accept that. He

04:40:58.669 --> 04:41:01.689
got too fired up. I accept that. I accept that.

04:41:02.220 --> 04:41:05.020
All the other bros, when they scored. No, it's

04:41:05.020 --> 04:41:06.959
fired up. They're more normalized with touchdowns.

04:41:07.259 --> 04:41:08.659
They're fired up. But they still remembered.

04:41:09.000 --> 04:41:10.840
McCaffrey's just a white running back, dude.

04:41:10.919 --> 04:41:13.060
That's a different type of man. If you're a white

04:41:13.060 --> 04:41:15.080
running back and you score any touchdown ever

04:41:15.080 --> 04:41:17.860
in the NFL, you're like. That was wild. Well,

04:41:17.860 --> 04:41:20.840
but he's good. This guy's good. McCaffrey? McCaffrey's

04:41:20.840 --> 04:41:24.000
on another level. MVP. I don't know what's going

04:41:24.000 --> 04:41:26.900
on. Joe, imagine a football player version of

04:41:26.900 --> 04:41:29.540
someone hitting like eight rails and then pocketing.

04:41:29.580 --> 04:41:32.439
I mean, he's in good. Christian McCaffrey is

04:41:32.439 --> 04:41:35.180
a white. NFL running back. Beast. He shouldn't

04:41:35.180 --> 04:41:38.080
be there. He's a white NFL running back. It's

04:41:38.080 --> 04:41:40.799
a position that white guys are incapable of playing.

04:41:40.939 --> 04:41:43.040
And a fun guy. What's the problem? He's the best

04:41:43.040 --> 04:41:45.240
ever. Generally, guys like Christian McCaffrey

04:41:45.240 --> 04:41:49.599
are GMs. No, he's a running back. What does that

04:41:49.599 --> 04:41:53.400
mean? The problem is the initial thing, the problem

04:41:53.400 --> 04:41:55.860
is normally if I'm friends with a guy in the

04:41:55.860 --> 04:42:00.729
NFL, like a superstar. sexual icon like Gabriel

04:42:00.729 --> 04:42:05.750
Davis. When he scores a touchdown. Watch this.

04:42:05.930 --> 04:42:11.169
This is Shane on MSSP. Buffalo Bills. Hit Gabe

04:42:11.169 --> 04:42:12.889
versus Miami. No, you gotta give him the Shane

04:42:12.889 --> 04:42:17.409
thing. Shane's been promoting this special needs

04:42:17.409 --> 04:42:19.549
kid. I was at that one. That was the one he gave

04:42:19.549 --> 04:42:21.909
me his jersey. I looked like a retarded guy in

04:42:21.909 --> 04:42:25.869
the crowd. So Shane's promoting this kid. This

04:42:25.869 --> 04:42:28.700
kid right there. Back up. This kid. Who's this

04:42:28.700 --> 04:42:31.080
kid? I just keep sending Gabe that celebration.

04:42:31.959 --> 04:42:34.459
This kid. I'm like, Gabe, just hit that one.

04:42:34.459 --> 04:42:36.840
He's a weird, fat Irish kid. Watch, Gabriel.

04:42:38.860 --> 04:42:41.740
That's a hot kid. And in the NFL, the number

04:42:41.740 --> 04:42:45.419
one to two sports in the world. Gabriel hit it.

04:42:45.500 --> 04:42:48.580
In the world? What's number one? UFC and then

04:42:48.580 --> 04:42:52.459
this. No. No, no, no. Oh, football. Number two

04:42:52.459 --> 04:42:57.740
or three. Formula One is pretty high. Five. Top

04:42:57.740 --> 04:43:00.139
five. Viewership. This is why I say top 20. Top

04:43:00.139 --> 04:43:02.860
10, no matter what, sports in the world. But

04:43:02.860 --> 04:43:05.380
cricket's like a billion. Can't even talk. Soccer's

04:43:05.380 --> 04:43:09.040
up there. Soccer's number two. Soccer number

04:43:09.040 --> 04:43:12.540
one. F1. Football number one. No, no, no. It's

04:43:12.540 --> 04:43:14.240
soccer football. It's top 10, no matter what.

04:43:14.319 --> 04:43:19.200
It's cricket. Because of Indian people. Very

04:43:19.200 --> 04:43:21.180
popular. Is that bigger than everything? They

04:43:21.180 --> 04:43:24.220
drop loads. Soccer and cricket. Soccer's number

04:43:24.220 --> 04:43:26.599
one. What's number one? Soccer. Soccer. Soccer.

04:43:26.779 --> 04:43:29.220
Number one by far. I don't know, because China

04:43:29.220 --> 04:43:31.419
and India don't play soccer. Soccer does play

04:43:31.419 --> 04:43:33.040
soccer. They just don't make the World Cup. They

04:43:33.040 --> 04:43:35.799
do, and they pour out, and they watch World Cup

04:43:35.799 --> 04:43:38.299
all day and all night at the fucking bars. China

04:43:38.299 --> 04:43:40.080
number one. You would go to China, you nasty

04:43:40.080 --> 04:43:41.959
communist. I love it. Still available. As long

04:43:41.959 --> 04:43:43.680
as you're not dissident, head over to China.

04:43:43.779 --> 04:43:45.520
It's fucking cool. What about the Uyghurs? What?

04:43:45.779 --> 04:43:49.200
What? I'm going Dom Lemonade. See the Uyghurs.

04:43:49.200 --> 04:43:51.419
Absolutely. Now that we're drinking a little.

04:43:51.540 --> 04:43:54.520
Yeah. A little. Elon Musk fucking dominated that.

04:43:54.560 --> 04:43:58.060
He ruled. It was a bad interview. Well, how are

04:43:58.060 --> 04:44:00.040
you going to interview the guy who hired you

04:44:00.040 --> 04:44:02.380
and then fuck that up? Also, he didn't have a

04:44:02.380 --> 04:44:05.000
contract signed yet. I know. Who didn't have

04:44:05.000 --> 04:44:07.000
a contract signed? He asked for a super truck,

04:44:07.080 --> 04:44:09.799
too. Yeah, I was going to give him a truck. Elon

04:44:09.799 --> 04:44:12.340
Musk is like, you guys don't understand. He doesn't

04:44:12.340 --> 04:44:16.939
really care. Also, what Elon said was so apt.

04:44:17.139 --> 04:44:21.220
He said Don Lemon was doing CNN off CNN. You

04:44:21.220 --> 04:44:23.500
don't have to do that. You're on the internet.

04:44:23.720 --> 04:44:26.580
Have a fucking conversation with a dude. Don't

04:44:26.580 --> 04:44:30.700
just berate him with questions. Allow him to

04:44:30.700 --> 04:44:35.540
express himself. Have you thought about the difference

04:44:35.540 --> 04:44:39.020
between... Free speech and hate speech. And,

04:44:39.060 --> 04:44:41.080
like, where is the line? Like, do you think about

04:44:41.080 --> 04:44:42.880
the line? Do you think it's, like, more important

04:44:42.880 --> 04:44:46.479
that people decide what the line is? Right? Yeah,

04:44:46.540 --> 04:44:48.439
and he's, like, saying that to him. And Don Lemon's

04:44:48.439 --> 04:44:49.979
like, oh, I just thought I was going to get you.

04:44:49.979 --> 04:44:52.619
But Don Lemon never asked it that way. Yeah.

04:44:52.720 --> 04:44:55.400
He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. It's

04:44:55.400 --> 04:44:57.180
hilarious. Because Don Lemon is talking about,

04:44:57.259 --> 04:44:59.880
like, oh, it's been so hard for me. And Elon

04:44:59.880 --> 04:45:02.900
said, you're extremely successful. He's like,

04:45:03.040 --> 04:45:08.069
yeah. But that was, you know. Accidentally. Against

04:45:08.069 --> 04:45:10.869
all odds. Like, no, it's not against all odds.

04:45:11.069 --> 04:45:14.569
It's because of the current climate. That's why

04:45:14.569 --> 04:45:16.990
you were successful. You're not good at what

04:45:16.990 --> 04:45:19.909
you do. I don't drink. Become great. Become great,

04:45:19.970 --> 04:45:22.630
Mark. Yeah, exactly. And what did he say? He

04:45:22.630 --> 04:45:26.689
goes, I can't. I don't know. Become great. So

04:45:26.689 --> 04:45:33.509
what happened? Oh, yeah, yeah. You must. Wait,

04:45:33.509 --> 04:45:35.290
what were we talking about? I don't know what

04:45:35.290 --> 04:45:37.830
we were talking about, but Shane said. Beautiful

04:45:37.830 --> 04:45:43.290
elixir. Beautiful elixir of domination. Put on

04:45:43.290 --> 04:45:48.849
your wooden beads and pray to Mother Gaia. Oh,

04:45:48.849 --> 04:45:52.650
look at that. Your girlfriend's hideous. Three,

04:45:53.290 --> 04:46:10.369
two, one, mark, go. One. That's just guys having

04:46:10.369 --> 04:46:15.229
fun. That's just guys having fun. People hate

04:46:15.229 --> 04:46:18.630
it. People hate to see it. Who are these people?

04:46:18.830 --> 04:46:20.750
What kind of loser is this? And what do they

04:46:20.750 --> 04:46:24.610
love? Who are these people? And what do they

04:46:24.610 --> 04:46:28.349
love? And what do they care about? And what do

04:46:28.349 --> 04:46:30.709
they care about? Finish that, dude. You didn't

04:46:30.709 --> 04:46:33.639
even finish it. You're breaking my heart. Mark.

04:46:34.080 --> 04:46:39.000
Finish that thing. Finish that thing. Finish

04:46:39.000 --> 04:46:56.900
that thing. Mark, sometimes you break my heart

04:46:56.900 --> 04:47:00.939
and it makes me so dang gum sad. Dang gum. I

04:47:00.939 --> 04:47:03.419
don't want to bring the booze down. This is the

04:47:03.419 --> 04:47:06.299
last beer. No way. Thank God. I told you we needed

04:47:06.299 --> 04:47:08.919
more. Another case. This is the last beer. We

04:47:08.919 --> 04:47:11.580
for sure have more cases. Hey, can I say something?

04:47:11.740 --> 04:47:15.360
Just a memory of scraping together fucking $3

04:47:15.360 --> 04:47:17.659
each to get a case of beer and everybody drinking

04:47:17.659 --> 04:47:20.930
it. Back in the day. Back in the high school

04:47:20.930 --> 04:47:23.290
days. I got $1 .20. That'll do. Let's go. You

04:47:23.290 --> 04:47:24.709
didn't know whether or not you were going to

04:47:24.709 --> 04:47:28.110
be able to get drunk. You didn't understand what

04:47:28.110 --> 04:47:31.069
the world was. You didn't understand what all

04:47:31.069 --> 04:47:33.810
these expectations meant and all these people

04:47:33.810 --> 04:47:35.389
that were telling you what to do and what not

04:47:35.389 --> 04:47:38.590
to do. They were wrong. Not only were they wrong,

04:47:38.709 --> 04:47:43.009
they were trying to impart their control on you

04:47:43.009 --> 04:47:47.490
to try to justify their own existence. You remember

04:47:47.490 --> 04:47:49.389
how fun it was to get drunk when you were a kid?

04:47:49.970 --> 04:47:52.310
I don't know if we're allowed to say that on

04:47:52.310 --> 04:47:55.029
here. I remember puking in a cab when I was 15.

04:47:55.729 --> 04:47:57.790
It's one of my favorite moments. Me and my boys,

04:47:57.909 --> 04:48:00.750
we would go to Ocean City, Maryland every year.

04:48:00.770 --> 04:48:04.490
Oh! Let's go. Let's go! I'd love to talk about

04:48:04.490 --> 04:48:08.150
this, but I gotta pee. O .C. Grab a case while

04:48:08.150 --> 04:48:10.930
you're out there. O .C. Get a couple of brewskis,

04:48:10.930 --> 04:48:15.340
will ya? Get us a case, bro. Do something. OC,

04:48:15.520 --> 04:48:17.799
bro. No one understands the Delmarva connection.

04:48:18.340 --> 04:48:21.599
I love it. The Philly -Delmarva connection. Ocean

04:48:21.599 --> 04:48:26.159
City, Maryland. A 24 -pack of natty ice was $11.

04:48:26.340 --> 04:48:29.819
Praise Allah. What did you do there in Ocean

04:48:29.819 --> 04:48:32.700
City at the boardwalk? We used to sit on a tree

04:48:32.700 --> 04:48:35.080
trunk and drink them. It's the best. It's the

04:48:35.080 --> 04:48:37.060
best. When you're young getting fucking hammered,

04:48:37.060 --> 04:48:39.860
there's nothing better. Now, I don't want anybody

04:48:39.860 --> 04:48:43.180
under the age of 21 to drink. Don't. But just

04:48:43.180 --> 04:48:45.740
know that when we drank under 21, it did rule.

04:48:46.220 --> 04:48:48.500
No one carded. Well, you guys shouldn't do it.

04:48:48.889 --> 04:48:51.709
When we did it, it ruled. I did not do it. I

04:48:51.709 --> 04:48:54.750
waited until I was 21 to enjoy Bud Light responsibly,

04:48:54.790 --> 04:48:57.409
and I've always enjoyed it responsibly. But I'll

04:48:57.409 --> 04:49:03.409
tell you what. If I had a daydream, if I imagined

04:49:03.409 --> 04:49:08.409
what it would be like if I was 15 and shotgun

04:49:08.409 --> 04:49:12.909
and beers and Oceans of Nerd. Oh, man. That was

04:49:12.909 --> 04:49:16.470
God's character. OC, Rehoboth, Dewey, Screwy.

04:49:16.549 --> 04:49:19.090
You go to head over to Screwy Beach? Delaware?

04:49:19.369 --> 04:49:22.970
Bahoma? Oh, dude. God gave us these beaches.

04:49:23.130 --> 04:49:25.470
God gave us these. God gave us these. What's

04:49:25.470 --> 04:49:29.509
the pizza place down there? Grottoes. Like this

04:49:29.509 --> 04:49:33.610
pizza, dude! Grottoes pizza! Oh, shit. You gotta

04:49:33.610 --> 04:49:36.209
get a fresh slice of Grottoes. Yes, dude. You

04:49:36.209 --> 04:49:38.849
got a fresh slice? I got molested at Grottoes.

04:49:38.930 --> 04:49:40.950
Oh, you go say, hey, what's playing tonight?

04:49:41.150 --> 04:49:44.540
Mama Seed Love Jump? Dude, you know what I saw

04:49:44.540 --> 04:49:47.500
there? What? Scorpion King. I saw that movie

04:49:47.500 --> 04:49:51.459
with The Rock. Oh, yeah. Me and Jared Dupes.

04:49:51.459 --> 04:49:55.860
Yo, shout out Jared Dupes. Let's get it. Grotto's

04:49:55.860 --> 04:49:58.900
Pizza. Damn, dude. I'm going to Ocean City, Maryland.

04:49:59.279 --> 04:50:02.040
Oh, Grotto's. I've been to that, literally that

04:50:02.040 --> 04:50:04.799
one. Oh, I got fucked in the ass in that bar.

04:50:05.279 --> 04:50:08.299
Dude, nobody reps the Maryland flag. Maryland

04:50:08.299 --> 04:50:11.959
flag might be the tightest United States flag.

04:50:12.159 --> 04:50:14.819
Nobody rocks it. Full hat, all Maryland flag.

04:50:14.959 --> 04:50:18.439
I want a ski outfit, all Maryland flag. That

04:50:18.439 --> 04:50:21.360
got you? Here, do this one. Do that one. Give

04:50:21.360 --> 04:50:24.040
it away for me. Why are you a coward, dude? You'll

04:50:24.040 --> 04:50:26.319
die. That's why no one will remember your name.

04:50:28.239 --> 04:50:32.639
Oh, I got the hiccups. America, America, America.

04:50:33.200 --> 04:50:35.599
Fuck yeah. We were saving the day of motherfucking

04:50:35.599 --> 04:50:40.159
beer. That dog should be taken away. SPCA, get

04:50:40.159 --> 04:50:46.159
in here. Rogies is good. Same Rogies. Same Rogies.

04:50:46.700 --> 04:50:49.299
Rogies, Rogies. Now we're drinking a little.

04:50:49.439 --> 04:50:51.180
All right, to the N -word. I'm going to tell

04:50:51.180 --> 04:50:53.040
you this. Wait, wait, what happened to the beer?

04:50:53.299 --> 04:50:55.819
You might be the best, dude. You are the best,

04:50:55.840 --> 04:51:02.220
dude. Don't make me regret it. Nobody supports

04:51:02.220 --> 04:51:05.580
stand -up like Rogan. I don't know. Pauly Shore

04:51:05.580 --> 04:51:11.240
is pretty good. Who? For sure. Mark's got the

04:51:11.240 --> 04:51:15.500
hiccups. Nobody supports all stand -ups like

04:51:15.500 --> 04:51:20.639
Rogan. You're the goddamn bro. Who saw that coming?

04:51:20.819 --> 04:51:23.840
Who saw that coming? Some fucking meathead fucking

04:51:23.840 --> 04:51:26.560
workout guy supporting stand -up more than anybody

04:51:26.560 --> 04:51:29.220
in the world. Nobody does. Yeah, yeah. Making

04:51:29.220 --> 04:51:31.459
it normalized. Having open micers on. Having

04:51:31.459 --> 04:51:33.419
going, hey, sorry Oliver Stone, can't have you

04:51:33.419 --> 04:51:35.400
on tonight. I got an open mic on. I gotta push.

04:51:35.979 --> 04:51:38.840
I got a Jewish freak who fucks his dog. I got

04:51:38.840 --> 04:51:42.159
to bring him along. Why don't you do this dog

04:51:42.159 --> 04:51:44.799
this way? Let that dog go. He doesn't fuck his

04:51:44.799 --> 04:51:47.000
dog. He just loves it. I love it. Yeah, but he

04:51:47.000 --> 04:51:49.200
loves it too much for a man. Yeah, let it run

04:51:49.200 --> 04:51:52.180
wild. Let it go. She's been running wild. She's

04:51:52.180 --> 04:51:55.400
fine. All right. That tail will stay different.

04:51:56.340 --> 04:51:58.979
She's like. That curled up tail is a sign of

04:51:58.979 --> 04:52:01.799
anxiety. Yeah, put the dog down, bro. Let it

04:52:01.799 --> 04:52:06.200
go. Hey, hey. Don't get the fucking. Shane Gillis

04:52:06.200 --> 04:52:08.880
from SNL doesn't want me to love you. Shane Gillis

04:52:08.880 --> 04:52:12.319
from SNL. Blame Lorne Michaels for my lack of

04:52:12.319 --> 04:52:14.500
affection right now. Sorry, buddy. How was Lorne

04:52:14.500 --> 04:52:18.020
on the SNL night? He was a beast, dude. Was he

04:52:18.020 --> 04:52:20.880
cool? Was he like, we made it? He was awesome.

04:52:21.080 --> 04:52:23.860
Me and Sal went. It was a fun night. Me and Sal

04:52:23.860 --> 04:52:28.299
and Becky. It was so cool. It was so fun. Literally,

04:52:28.299 --> 04:52:32.659
I called. Every favor I had to get into the showroom.

04:52:32.799 --> 04:52:36.400
I was trying so hard. Me and Sal Volcano, Volcano,

04:52:36.540 --> 04:52:39.939
came up empty. What do you mean? Called in every

04:52:39.939 --> 04:52:44.299
favor we could. He called Colin, Jost. I can't

04:52:44.299 --> 04:52:46.400
do it. Literally every comic. Yeah, because every

04:52:46.400 --> 04:52:48.159
New York comic was like, I want to be there.

04:52:48.240 --> 04:52:50.659
Kyla was there. Christine was there. I got mine.

04:52:51.240 --> 04:52:53.560
You got yours in. I said, hey, I'm going to call

04:52:53.560 --> 04:52:54.900
your manager. He goes, yeah, yeah, just follow

04:52:54.900 --> 04:52:57.599
up, make sure. I'm like, hey. Idiot. I'm obviously

04:52:57.599 --> 04:53:02.139
coming to this. I said to Becky, I said, make

04:53:02.139 --> 04:53:05.459
sure Ari's in there. There you go. You weren't

04:53:05.459 --> 04:53:07.720
in there, you dumbass. In the showroom watching

04:53:07.720 --> 04:53:10.979
a fucking telecast in a green room with a bunch

04:53:10.979 --> 04:53:14.180
of fucking dorks. Shane, you made me be a dork.

04:53:14.360 --> 04:53:17.020
How dare you be nasty like this? Joseph, where

04:53:17.020 --> 04:53:18.220
are you going? He's going to get more beers.

04:53:18.400 --> 04:53:19.659
He's going to get more beers. He's got a shit.

04:53:20.720 --> 04:53:23.520
Anyway, you being there. It did roll. I want

04:53:23.520 --> 04:53:25.330
you to know this. It meant. Literally nothing

04:53:25.330 --> 04:53:32.389
to me. I was so pissed you were there. DeRosa

04:53:32.389 --> 04:53:35.270
was there, right? Nope. DeRosa did not make it.

04:53:35.509 --> 04:53:37.389
He came to the after party. I told Shane, I was

04:53:37.389 --> 04:53:39.090
like, hey, get DeRosa in here. And Shane just

04:53:39.090 --> 04:53:41.110
goes, he's taking pictures on the outside of

04:53:41.110 --> 04:53:45.349
the after party. He goes, let DeRosa in? What

04:53:45.349 --> 04:53:47.869
do you want me to do? He was paparazzi. I was

04:53:47.869 --> 04:53:52.560
like, dude, it ruled so hard. We got a picture

04:53:52.560 --> 04:53:55.560
of us. My niece was pumped that Sal was there.

04:53:55.599 --> 04:53:58.580
My niece got there and was like... She loves

04:53:58.580 --> 04:54:00.500
Sal. Impractical Jokers is the best show. What

04:54:00.500 --> 04:54:05.000
was the date? February 24th. Fuck me. Dude, it

04:54:05.000 --> 04:54:07.759
was fun. The fact that we happened to be there,

04:54:07.799 --> 04:54:11.360
too. Welcome. Welcome to the party for once,

04:54:11.560 --> 04:54:15.020
bro. A whiskey. You had fucking two whiskeys.

04:54:15.020 --> 04:54:18.799
Shut up. Dude, we rated 21 Savages dressing room.

04:54:19.020 --> 04:54:21.840
Seven decks of cards. So many peanut butter and

04:54:21.840 --> 04:54:25.060
jelly sandwiches. By the way. No one deserves

04:54:25.060 --> 04:54:32.080
more credit than 21. That's the bro, dude. What

04:54:32.080 --> 04:54:35.299
was so impressive about him? That's a sick picture.

04:54:35.400 --> 04:54:38.939
That's a sick picture. Hey, me, Shane, and Sal

04:54:38.939 --> 04:54:41.220
in front of it, and Shane just automatically

04:54:41.220 --> 04:54:44.279
going to cover his nuts because he knows. Rightfully

04:54:44.279 --> 04:54:46.659
so. I was wrong to not do it, to not just fucking

04:54:46.659 --> 04:54:52.240
dick punch him. No, 21 was like, you know, he's

04:54:52.240 --> 04:54:54.779
21. The whole time he's like, yeah, what's up,

04:54:54.840 --> 04:55:00.500
man? How you doing? But my niece really wanted

04:55:00.500 --> 04:55:02.700
a picture with 21, and he was already, like,

04:55:02.700 --> 04:55:06.200
leaving. He was out of the room, and I was like,

04:55:06.200 --> 04:55:08.939
could 21 come back, take a picture with my niece?

04:55:09.119 --> 04:55:12.659
And he said yes. That's crazy. Really? That's

04:55:12.659 --> 04:55:15.439
cool. Yeah, he came back in. It was wild. Here's

04:55:15.439 --> 04:55:20.599
Sal pissing in 21's dressing room. Hey, that's

04:55:20.599 --> 04:55:24.819
fun. Let's have a few more. Oh, there you go.

04:55:24.979 --> 04:55:28.779
Another five hours. We can keep going. It's only

04:55:28.779 --> 04:55:35.000
7 p .m. right now. I got the fucking hiccups.

04:55:35.220 --> 04:55:38.500
Do you have a show right now? Allegedly. Joe,

04:55:38.500 --> 04:55:40.720
how does it feel to be a club owner? It's interesting.

04:55:41.439 --> 04:55:49.439
Some good and some bad. Pros and cons. J -Mo,

04:55:49.560 --> 04:55:54.500
how do you feel about that? That's terrible,

04:55:54.619 --> 04:55:56.799
dude. Shut up, I got most of it. Pros, you got

04:55:56.799 --> 04:55:59.419
a secret weapon. You can do an hour every night.

04:55:59.700 --> 04:56:02.750
But cons, you gotta... Deal with the bullshit.

04:56:02.770 --> 04:56:04.650
Are you legally allowed to drink a Lone Star

04:56:04.650 --> 04:56:12.770
on camera? Not legally? For real? Bud Light,

04:56:12.849 --> 04:56:15.830
let it go. We're good. That's all I had left.

04:56:15.990 --> 04:56:17.909
Bud Light's a better beer. Everything on Earth

04:56:17.909 --> 04:56:19.950
comes with pros and cons. Bud Light doesn't do

04:56:19.950 --> 04:56:21.950
that? Why'd you dump all these? Shut up, dude.

04:56:21.950 --> 04:56:25.029
Everything that exists comes with pros and cons.

04:56:25.229 --> 04:56:28.290
Yeah. The pros outweigh the cons. Open a comedy

04:56:28.290 --> 04:56:31.060
club. If you have the money, do it. If you can

04:56:31.060 --> 04:56:33.520
do it, if you're me, do it. That's how I feel.

04:56:33.740 --> 04:56:35.500
If anybody's going to do it, I've got to do it.

04:56:35.580 --> 04:56:38.139
You've got to do it. It's like the obligation.

04:56:38.419 --> 04:56:40.880
You get put in this weird spot where you have

04:56:40.880 --> 04:56:43.680
resources that most people never have. You have

04:56:43.680 --> 04:56:46.540
to do it if you care. If you really want to fuck

04:56:46.540 --> 04:56:49.380
it. If you really give a fuck about what you're

04:56:49.380 --> 04:56:50.380
talking about, you've got to do it. It is great.

04:56:50.439 --> 04:56:53.240
This phone's locked up. Everything's great. The

04:56:53.240 --> 04:56:55.779
fucking setup is great. The way it was established

04:56:55.779 --> 04:56:58.720
is great. The fact that it's stress -free relatively

04:56:58.720 --> 04:57:01.540
is great. The fact that comics have embraced

04:57:01.540 --> 04:57:04.939
it. Shane's moved here. You two bitches. Brought

04:57:04.939 --> 04:57:08.139
all the dogs down. Brought all the Philadelphia

04:57:08.139 --> 04:57:11.119
dogs down. Hey, guard dog, road dog. You need

04:57:11.119 --> 04:57:13.959
to move. You guys fucking need to move here.

04:57:14.040 --> 04:57:16.400
O 'Connor, Pope. Why are you playing around with

04:57:16.400 --> 04:57:18.099
these other places? We should get a condo. We

04:57:18.099 --> 04:57:20.139
should get a condo. Mark, let's share. Let's

04:57:20.139 --> 04:57:22.819
share a two -beddy. Mark, I'm down with that.

04:57:22.840 --> 04:57:27.479
Mark, let's share a two -beddy. Don't wait. Don't

04:57:27.479 --> 04:57:31.060
wait until it's a two -beddy. Don't wait until

04:57:31.060 --> 04:57:33.319
the housing crisis happens here in Austin. It's

04:57:33.319 --> 04:57:36.720
already happened. Let that collapse. It's already

04:57:36.720 --> 04:57:40.060
happened. All right. Wait until McKeever gets

04:57:40.060 --> 04:57:42.919
down here. All the bros are down here. Everyone's

04:57:42.919 --> 04:57:45.240
down here already. McCusker. The fucking group

04:57:45.240 --> 04:57:48.220
we have right now. The group we have right now

04:57:48.220 --> 04:57:52.700
is insane. From Kill Tony to all the people that

04:57:52.700 --> 04:57:55.180
came from Kill Tony. It is cool when you go like,

04:57:55.259 --> 04:57:56.700
hey, I'm here in a week. I'm like, oh, who can

04:57:56.700 --> 04:58:00.159
feature? I'm like, well. Everybody. Oh, McCusker,

04:58:00.259 --> 04:58:06.119
Kaczynski, Rogan, I mean, Segura, Shane, whoever.

04:58:06.840 --> 04:58:08.979
All of them. It was like, hey, come down and

04:58:08.979 --> 04:58:13.020
fucking open for me. Everybody. Everybody. It's

04:58:13.020 --> 04:58:16.759
what we wanted. We're only a year in that. We're

04:58:16.759 --> 04:58:19.919
only a year, one year in. No, no, no, no, no.

04:58:20.080 --> 04:58:22.459
Norman? One more. Give me a minute. I'm still

04:58:22.459 --> 04:58:25.099
burping. Joe, for real, though, congratulations.

04:58:25.139 --> 04:58:27.819
One year doing fucking stand -up comedy the right

04:58:27.819 --> 04:58:30.580
way. Holding the line. Fucking great job. Not

04:58:30.580 --> 04:58:32.560
just holding the line. Just fucking funny. We're

04:58:32.560 --> 04:58:34.779
fucking telling everybody what the line is. Yeah.

04:58:35.299 --> 04:58:36.959
It's not just holding the line. It's like paying

04:58:36.959 --> 04:58:40.380
people the right way. This is one thing I'm proud

04:58:40.380 --> 04:58:44.060
of. What? It's the small room. I did the first

04:58:44.060 --> 04:58:48.490
set ever in the little boy. You did. Yes, he

04:58:48.490 --> 04:58:51.270
did. Wait, really? 100%. He opened up for Chappelle.

04:58:51.450 --> 04:58:55.750
I'll tell you what. Boy, oh, boy. Did I bomb.

04:58:55.990 --> 04:59:01.830
Not true. Not true. I bombed. That's humble Shane

04:59:01.830 --> 04:59:04.909
talking shit. And then Joe introduced it. Joe

04:59:04.909 --> 04:59:09.009
was on the mic like, hey, everybody. He introduced

04:59:09.009 --> 04:59:12.409
the show. I got on stage. Everybody in the show

04:59:12.409 --> 04:59:17.659
was just. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

04:59:17.659 --> 04:59:20.919
no, no, no, no, no. All this is inaccurate. Norman,

04:59:20.979 --> 04:59:26.840
shut the fuck up. First of all, literally no

04:59:26.840 --> 04:59:30.259
one knew what the show was going to be. I said

04:59:30.259 --> 04:59:34.979
special intimate show, 11 .30 p .m. in the little

04:59:34.979 --> 04:59:38.900
room, sells out immediately. Shane Gillis goes

04:59:38.900 --> 04:59:41.599
on stage, does 15 minutes. They have no idea

04:59:41.599 --> 04:59:44.220
Dave's going up. He killed. He's so full of shit.

04:59:44.299 --> 04:59:46.759
He killed. What was that? The first guy ever,

04:59:46.819 --> 04:59:50.819
ever on stage. professionally in that room. Shame.

04:59:50.840 --> 04:59:54.200
Okay. Second guy, Chappelle. I brought him on.

04:59:54.259 --> 04:59:56.299
I brought him on. Oh, really? Just to say hi.

04:59:56.520 --> 04:59:59.220
From the DJ booth. You coward. I saw that. No,

04:59:59.259 --> 05:00:02.799
no, no. That's his. That's his. Wow. No, no.

05:00:02.840 --> 05:00:05.099
He's right. That's his. Joe, stop. Joe, don't

05:00:05.099 --> 05:00:08.220
do it. Joe, stay right. Jay, stay right. Joe,

05:00:08.240 --> 05:00:10.259
stay right. Mark didn't do it. Hold on. I'm going

05:00:10.259 --> 05:00:12.299
to piss you. Don't take it. I'm going to piss.

05:00:12.340 --> 05:00:14.360
No, you don't. You can take it. You can piss

05:00:14.360 --> 05:00:16.279
it out later. No, no, no. I'm going to piss.

05:00:16.419 --> 05:00:19.779
Norman, Norman, Norman. You coward. You'll never

05:00:19.779 --> 05:00:22.099
live this down. What the fuck, dude? Internet

05:00:22.099 --> 05:00:26.159
attack. Wow. Internet destroy him first. He yelled

05:00:26.159 --> 05:00:29.759
free Palestine in the hallway. Did you guys hear

05:00:29.759 --> 05:00:31.979
that? No, but I support it. He supports it regardless.

05:00:33.740 --> 05:00:42.500
Free Palestine. It's hard to analyze Eddie Shane

05:00:42.500 --> 05:00:45.139
Gill's story because his rise is so fucking quick

05:00:45.139 --> 05:00:48.259
that three months later you're like, oh, it was

05:00:48.259 --> 05:00:50.979
a different time. He was slightly worse. He was

05:00:50.979 --> 05:00:53.259
slightly lower than he is now. You wouldn't understand

05:00:53.259 --> 05:00:56.380
it. That one was, I would do that today. No problem.

05:00:57.340 --> 05:01:00.299
what first show at the oh yeah it was amazing

05:01:00.299 --> 05:01:02.459
that was an honor and then chapelle goes on stage

05:01:02.459 --> 05:01:04.939
after they have no idea chapelle's going up wow

05:01:04.939 --> 05:01:10.159
wow wow so i just say all i said on twitter intimate

05:01:10.159 --> 05:01:14.240
show that's it so shane goes up and then chapelle

05:01:14.240 --> 05:01:17.209
goes up And it's insane. Wow. It's insane. What

05:01:17.209 --> 05:01:19.069
a show. You've got to see it from my perspective.

05:01:19.310 --> 05:01:22.569
Joe is on the mic introducing me. On the DJ mic.

05:01:22.849 --> 05:01:25.549
Which is crazy. Just having Joe Rogan be like,

05:01:25.669 --> 05:01:28.610
hey, everybody, coming up. I said, welcome to

05:01:28.610 --> 05:01:32.590
the first ever show in the small room, little

05:01:32.590 --> 05:01:36.290
boy, at the Comedy Mother Show. What's up? What's

05:01:36.290 --> 05:01:38.130
up, dogs? How's everybody doing? All right, let's

05:01:38.130 --> 05:01:39.990
get going. You guys ready to do this? All right,

05:01:39.990 --> 05:01:42.490
yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite

05:01:42.490 --> 05:01:46.009
comedians, Shane Gilligan. Some guy you haven't

05:01:46.009 --> 05:01:48.389
heard of. And then I had to get down and go,

05:01:48.490 --> 05:01:52.430
holy fuck, my bad. So this is one year ago. That's

05:01:52.430 --> 05:01:54.610
how much your world has changed in one year.

05:01:54.689 --> 05:01:57.569
It's so crazy. The rise is so nonstop that you

05:01:57.569 --> 05:02:00.090
can't analyze it. Any story that happens a week

05:02:00.090 --> 05:02:02.669
after it happens is like, it doesn't mean the

05:02:02.669 --> 05:02:05.389
same thing. Oh, man. Dude, you've gone up so

05:02:05.389 --> 05:02:07.369
fast. I would do that. I would do that tonight.

05:02:08.579 --> 05:02:11.240
What? That show? Oh, yeah, for sure. You might

05:02:11.240 --> 05:02:17.860
have to. We're about to go rogue. Here's the

05:02:17.860 --> 05:02:20.439
one thing. What? Norman never gets wrecked on

05:02:20.439 --> 05:02:25.060
this. He's wrecked. No. He's workout wrecked.

05:02:25.060 --> 05:02:27.720
He's wrecked for Norman. No, I don't think he

05:02:27.720 --> 05:02:29.540
is, though. I've seen him wrecked. I've been

05:02:29.540 --> 05:02:32.259
to 6 a .m. with him. They say that. All three

05:02:32.259 --> 05:02:35.099
of us have been destroyed on Protect Our Parks.

05:02:35.529 --> 05:02:37.830
But he knows he's got to come with the quips.

05:02:38.369 --> 05:02:40.270
When were you destroyed, though? You can only

05:02:40.270 --> 05:02:42.029
go. Wait, when were you destroyed? No, he's never

05:02:42.029 --> 05:02:44.869
destroyed. When was I destroyed? Yeah. I'm fucking

05:02:44.869 --> 05:02:48.810
right now. Listen, listen. Guys, listen. When

05:02:48.810 --> 05:02:50.810
were you destroyed, though? Not when you drank

05:02:50.810 --> 05:02:52.650
more. When have you been destroyed? He doesn't

05:02:52.650 --> 05:02:54.310
get destroyed. He's been destroyed. I've been

05:02:54.310 --> 05:02:57.470
destroyed. 706. I puked after. We've got to end

05:02:57.470 --> 05:02:59.529
this. You have? We have to end this. We have

05:02:59.529 --> 05:03:01.950
to end this. Norman Bong won, and then we're

05:03:01.950 --> 05:03:04.630
in. I yacked. Norman Bong yacked. You did? Yeah.

05:03:05.260 --> 05:03:06.759
Bong that and then we'll end it. The best way

05:03:06.759 --> 05:03:09.520
to fix that is a fucking freedom bong. Bong that

05:03:09.520 --> 05:03:15.500
and we'll end it. America. Please bong that and

05:03:15.500 --> 05:03:19.819
we'll end it. Don't be a communist. Don't be

05:03:19.819 --> 05:03:23.159
a Uyghur. What are you doing? Don't get his dick

05:03:23.159 --> 05:03:28.180
on camera. Bong that and we'll end it. Wait,

05:03:28.200 --> 05:03:32.159
what'd I miss? Bong that goddamn bird and we'll

05:03:32.159 --> 05:03:34.159
end it. Norman's got self -protection instincts.

05:03:34.729 --> 05:03:38.209
What about the whiskey? He's like, shut up. I

05:03:38.209 --> 05:03:41.189
like how he distorts things. What did I miss?

05:03:41.849 --> 05:03:44.189
What did I miss? Bong that one. This guy's pulling

05:03:44.189 --> 05:03:47.110
his dick out. He's filling whiskey bottles. That's

05:03:47.110 --> 05:03:50.069
a full glass. Whiskey bottle full of piss. And

05:03:50.069 --> 05:03:53.590
he's not even halfway done. All right, before

05:03:53.590 --> 05:03:56.849
we end it, Norman, please bong that. All right,

05:03:56.849 --> 05:04:00.349
well, we should have a... No, we all support

05:04:00.349 --> 05:04:05.490
you. Some words of wisdom. Thank you, Joe. Gentlemen,

05:04:05.590 --> 05:04:13.150
gentlemen, gentlemen. We are retarded. We are

05:04:13.150 --> 05:04:16.409
here. We are here for comedy. We are here for

05:04:16.409 --> 05:04:20.049
comedy. We hold the line. We hold the line. We

05:04:20.049 --> 05:04:23.209
hold the line. We hold the line right here. This

05:04:23.209 --> 05:04:25.349
is Scotland. All that free speech shit. This

05:04:25.349 --> 05:04:29.029
is Scotland. We hold the line. Come on, Scotland.

05:04:29.029 --> 05:04:34.330
Step up like the JRE. I'm learning. Under, under,

05:04:34.430 --> 05:04:37.130
under. He's going with Scotland. We hold the

05:04:37.130 --> 05:04:41.990
line, Scotland. Scotland. Scotland. We hold the

05:04:41.990 --> 05:04:48.889
line. Underneath that. Teach me. We hold the

05:04:48.889 --> 05:04:51.770
line. And now over. I don't want to hurt him.

05:04:51.909 --> 05:04:56.990
Good luck. Good luck. Hold on. He's doing everything

05:04:56.990 --> 05:04:59.349
he can to not bong that beer. Bong that beer.

05:04:59.349 --> 05:05:04.569
Oh, good point. Good point. Bong the beer. Can

05:05:04.569 --> 05:05:07.369
you hand me a whiskey to support the truth? He

05:05:07.369 --> 05:05:10.470
did throw up. He's the first of us to throw up.

05:05:10.909 --> 05:05:14.169
No. Today. Today. This is the first time he ever

05:05:14.169 --> 05:05:17.810
puked on one of these. Shout out to Lone Star

05:05:17.810 --> 05:05:30.090
as Shane. Lone Star. America. America. Chug that,

05:05:30.130 --> 05:05:32.950
boy. Chug it, boy. Do it for the troops. This

05:05:32.950 --> 05:05:35.169
is it. Do it for the troops. Do it for the ladies.

05:05:35.229 --> 05:05:36.009
Think about all the troops, dude. Do you ever

05:05:36.009 --> 05:05:41.500
hear the troops? Norman. Did you take asthma

05:05:41.500 --> 05:05:45.080
medication? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You

05:05:45.080 --> 05:05:50.619
have asthma. Three, two, one. Fuck yeah. Go,

05:05:50.779 --> 05:05:55.580
go, go, go, go, go. You better do it all the

05:05:55.580 --> 05:05:58.720
way, bro. If you quit now, it'll be bad for you.

05:05:58.799 --> 05:06:01.799
You got to finish it. It's such slow swallows.

05:06:02.000 --> 05:06:05.340
Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks 11. That

05:06:05.340 --> 05:06:09.099
was definitely a good one. 14. It might be 80.

05:06:09.340 --> 05:06:13.759
Yeah. What? Time is relative. Oh, man. We started

05:06:13.759 --> 05:06:17.979
this at 230. It's in the books. 150. Holy shit.

05:06:18.240 --> 05:06:22.000
Yeah. The show's already started. All right,

05:06:22.000 --> 05:06:24.299
let's go. Derek Poston's on stage right now.

05:06:25.400 --> 05:06:28.419
Good night, America. The rest of the world that

05:06:28.419 --> 05:06:31.200
wished they were America. Good night. Wiggers,

05:06:31.360 --> 05:06:37.360
never quit. China, never quit. China and Russia,

05:06:37.619 --> 05:06:42.599
you can be us. I said China and Russia, you can

05:06:42.599 --> 05:06:47.939
be us. All of us. Together. One world. United.