"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #2333. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Improvisation Dynamics, Contemporary Satire, and Independent Media Evolution." Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan Podcast by
night. All day. You're done. We're rolling. Don't
do anything illegal. Are you on the Ozempic?
No. Come on. Everybody's on the Zim. I think
it's probably bad for you. It might in the end
be bad for you. There's also that part of me
I can't bring myself to actually not work out.
You look ripped. No, no, no. You're allowed to
work out. You don't want to talk about it, but
look at those shoulders. Look at those shoulders,
dog. Those shoulders are coming in strong. You
look noticeably thicker. That's what I said to
my trainer. He's like, you want to lose weight?
I said, no. Bigger. I want to get jacked. Dude,
you've been in this gym like super fucking consistent.
If I'm in Austin, I come here. It's awesome.
Every day. It's very nice. Every time you open
that door and I see you pop out, I'm like, fuck
yeah. He's dead after it. Get after it. Do you
worry about the buff comedy, though? I will never
actually get into it. Well, I very rarely wear
a t -shirt on stage. Or anything tight. Shirtless
is my mood. I just want to look like a fucking
champ. Take a shot off like Hulk Hogan. That's
fun. Start comedy. Yeah, Kreischer, when he started
losing weight and he was getting jacked, I'm
like, you're taking away from your act there,
fella. Exactly. You look like a football player
now. Like, Burt was getting some big, thick -ass
shoulders. A lot of fat jokes. No. If any. No,
you don't really. You might make fun of yourself
if it helps something. Yeah. It doesn't matter.
Well, you're not fat enough. You're more like
squishy. Yeah, just a fat guy. You're not like
a fat guy. So absurdly fat that we have to talk
about it. Bert doesn't really do fat jokes either.
No. No. No. Really? No, not really. Sometimes
you just gotta attack the elephant in the room
just to get it out of the way, but then after
that, fuck it. But if you're really good, you
don't even need it. But if you have a joke that's
funny that's felt like who fucking cares That's
the weirdest thing is comics like policing what
should be talked about mmm If someone comes up
with the most amazing fart joke of all time,
I'm gonna die laughing, you know It's like I
don't do any I don't have any but yeah on anything
and everything there's a take on anything and
everything that's like No, not yet, Joe. Come
on. What's that? You're bad at loose today, dude.
What's up with you? He's fired up, dude. He's
game, dude. You've pulled out three drugs. I've
been here eight minutes. Shh. There's no drugs.
Shut the fuck up. No drugs. It's just nicotine.
Just Ozempic. Don't get the feds on us. Lucy
Breakers. What's the hecklefish? Oh, that's from,
you ever see that YouTube show, The Y Files?
No. It's a great fucking show. It's all about,
like, fucking aliens and why you can't go into
the Grand Canyon and, you know, secret fucking
temples and stuff like that. And AJ Gentile is
the host, and then this is a fish that sits in
the fish tank next to him and talks shit to him.
Well the thing is like now everybody comes and
they give me something for the table that's like
part of the fun I got this little old Mac head
That's sick. From Luke Caverns. Pretty dope.
I also got an Aztec death whistle. Do not blow
it. I blew it. I blew it. It's Theo's. Last time
we had one of these and we blew it. You blew
a death whistle. Callan blew it on the podcast
and the pandemic started a month later. I'm not
kidding. Fucking LA was locked down. People were
connecting it to the death whistle. It was a
conspiracy theory. Oh, poor Bob. Sorry. You got
me. Ah, the death whistle. Because I think...
That one drives me nuts. Yeah. Pop Saget does?
Yeah, because it's the same thing that happened
to Heather McDonald. Blacked out, fell, smashed
her head, died. She lived because she was on
stage and luckily they got medical help. Rug.
Wrong enough stage also. It was fake? No, rug.
Oh, no, it was hardwood. I don't think it was
a roll. Hardwood. What stage was it? I've seen
that video 30 times. It's hardwood. Yeah, I don't
know. Her head bounces. It's very terrifying
because that's how people die in street fights.
That's the big reason why people die in street
fights. They get knocked out and they hit their
head. It's not from getting punched to death
most of the time. Right. Most of the time it's
falling and hitting your head. Remember the knockout
game? Knockout game. Oh, that is so scary. Yeah.
Terrifying. That's so scary. Filming crimes is
a very... No, that's a hard stage. We're already
watching it again. That stage is hard as fuck.
Here she goes. Get the Hitler speech. Oh! Wow.
It kind of gets enveloped into the stage. Fractured
her skull. That was crazy. Really? Fractured
her skull. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Scary shit. Yikes.
You bleed in the brain. Didn't need the whole
thing. That was perfect. Possibility you'll never
be the same again. Question is, did it kill?
Did it get a laugh? It got the biggest laugh
ever. All right. Well, it might have been worth
it. Until people found out it was real. Yeah,
they thought it was just being hilarious. Oh,
wow. Which is the way you would do it. You ever
get an accidental joke where you say something
and everyone laughs? You're like, oh, I can see
the double meaning on that. I'll pretend I meant
that. Oh, yeah, definitely. Well, that's the
difference between writing it and saying it,
right? You write it and you're like, I think
I know how to go with this. And then you get
on stage and say it and you're like, oh, that's
the funny part. This is fucking ridiculous. The
fact that this exists is ridiculous. Yeah, I'm
always embarrassed if I wrote something. And
then say it, and it's not even close. What the
fuck was I thinking? At this point, I always
think of it as like a scaffolding. I'm like,
I don't know what's good until I get up there.
Yeah, well, it's funny how when you're in your
apartment, you're killing. You're like, man,
this is good stuff. And then when you get up
there, you can like feel, this won't work. Right
when you're on stage. I don't know why I'm saying
this. But when you have people in front of you,
you're like, oh, this is not going to hit. Oh,
my God, it's the best. And then you went into
it with so prepared. And then they're just looking
at you like. I don't get it. You go into it like,
I wrote a new bit today. This thing's going to
fucking kill. Yeah. In your notebook. Two words
into it, you go. That's why comedy is great,
because you can never really crack it. You can
get better at it, but you can never really go,
this is going to work. It's also a truly collaborative
thing. You have to have an audience. Yeah. Gary
Clark Jr. could write a fucking amazing album
by himself in his private music studio, and nobody
has to hear it until you listen to it the first
time. You're like, God damn. Oliver Anthony's
new album. I haven't heard it. Bro. Really? Bro.
There's a song. We're going to play this song.
You can't play it on the air. So we'll play it.
The same one you already sent me? Oh, yeah. I
should have it already. We'll play it, and then
we'll react to it. Okay. I'll tell you guys.
Cut all this out. I'll tell you guys what happened.
So Oliver Anthony has no money, right? He's poor.
He's selling farm equipment. He puts this song
on YouTube. He's a fucking superstar, right?
He doesn't know what to do. He freaks out. He
asked me for advice. I call him on the phone.
We have a conversation for like a fucking hour
where I go, don't sign anything with anybody.
And he's like, they're telling me I have to strike
while the iron's hot. I go, bullshit. They're
trying to steal money from you. I go, you're
independent. You're already there. You already
made it. I know if you wrote that song. I'm like,
if you wrote that song, you could write a dozen
of those fucking songs. You don't need anybody.
He's like, they're offering me $7 million. I
go, no, no, no. They're offering to steal money
from you for the rest. to your life. That's what
they're doing. I go, you don't need them. You
have talent. So cut to, he starts making millions
of dollars, doing arenas. The wife divorces him.
She wants everything. She wants everything. She
wants more than half. She wants all the money
that he's going to be making in the future because
she was with him when he was broke. So it's fucking
crazy. He's just tortured. What a fucking idiot.
Wants to die. Wants to die. And he writes this
song. Wow. Wait, the song you're about to play?
Yes. He writes this song. You got it, Jamie?
Bro. By the time this episode comes out, that
song will be out. Okay. Really? Well, he just
wrote the... Yo. He just ethered his wife. Oh,
my God. That was nice. What a diss track. Bro,
that's the craziest diss track of all time. It's
coming out tomorrow or the next day? It's coming
out tomorrow. The song is. So the day this comes
out, that album. The math don't seem right. It's
so funny. Every divorce dude on earth is going
to be just fucking. The judge says 50 -50, but
the math don't seem right to a scorned woman.
That's what he's saying. It doesn't seem right
for her. For her. That she wants more than that.
She's lucky he got out with the song because
he would have killed her. Yeah, if he didn't
have a guitar, that's a string link. That guy
doesn't need a record deal. That guy don't need
nobody. He's a hit man. He don't need nobody.
He's Lisa Loeb. Remember Lisa Loeb? Did she do
everything? She had a top five hit on a subway.
Whoa. And then every label was like, we want
you. And she's like, well, hold on now. I think
I got the upper hand. Oh, very clever. Yeah,
there's a bunch of people that have done that
now that just completely bypassed the system.
A lot of me. Lobotomy? What happened there? Lisa
Loeb? That's a stretch. That's a stretch. Earlobe.
Some of those ladies, they kind of vanish. Lisa
Loeb was huge. She was. She was the chick with
the glasses, right? She was hot. She was cute.
I did something with her on VH1 once. Yeah, some
talk show thing. She was very nice. Nice lady.
Yeah. Before three, right? Yeah. Why, you want
coffee? Yeah. At 3 p .m., you cut it off? I just
start to slow down. Mr. Regimented. I won't sleep.
Anyway, let's talk more about this little pussy.
You have a hard time sleeping? If I have too
much of this. Same. Damn, that's hilarious. I'm
on the pills. You're on what pills? Sleeping
pills. Oh, no. Which ones? You've got to get
on boner pills. They're way better. I'm taking
an anti -schizophrenia thing. What? It's the
only one. Seroquel. I've taken that shit. Give
that a good. That shit sucks. Wait, that's the
way it works for me. Fucking Stanhope. That makes
you go to sleep? Yeah. Yeah, it makes you sleep.
Wait, isn't that right? Oh, yeah. Have you tried
deadlifts? No. Just work out real hard so you're
exhausted. You work out. Wait, isn't that where
Brody was on Seroquel? No. Isn't that when he
got off? I think he was. Seroquel's serious.
Really? I think he got off on his own, and that's
when he went off the rails. All right, there
you go. Yeah, that got real weird. He's a deadlift.
When I got back from Stanhope's, when I was out
there, I had some Seroquel, the wrapper, in my
pocket. And I got back to my parents' house.
It was during COVID. My mom was doing laundry.
I was like, what the fuck is Seroquel? I don't
know. Some guy gave it to me, and I took it.
Yeah. Did it help you sleep? Yeah, it fucked
me up for like three days. Really? I'd take it
every night. I don't think you're supposed to
take somebody else's, especially not Stanhope.
Stanhope's got elephant doses. Stanhope's dosage
is not your dosage for anything. For anything.
Yeah, I woke up on Wednesday. You could go beer
to beer with them for sure, but anything else.
Just beer, yeah. Anything else, stay away. Stan
Hope has a tolerance. If you need it. He does.
He says, just don't go to the doctor. You don't
want to know. It's so funny when somebody gives
you drugs and you're like, it's strong. To who?
Who are we talking about? Stan Hope has various
hernias all over his stomach. He can just lay
back and pop his stomach open. Oh, no. Really?
Yeah, he's a mess. He's the best. He's the best.
He's riding it till the wheels fall off. He is.
Hell, yeah. He's a mess. He's the best. He's
riding it till the wheels fall off. Give that
to Alabama. Anthony and say run with it run with
it yeah an ode to Stanhope yeah yeah I check
out on his Instagram somewhere he's wearing fucking
flea market clothes in some other country doing
stand up yeah he did we're in Ukraine get the
fuck out of there go back to Arizona we're in
the smoking room with a bar in Ljubljana I think
I'll film a special here yeah exactly there's
30 people let's go He's a maniac. He did my podcast
recently, and it's like 1 p .m. He gets hammered,
and then he's like, what are we doing? And we're
like, we've got to do another one. And he was
like, what? I thought we were hanging out all
day. And he was pissed. Well, you've got to set
the terms for your agreement in advance. I guess.
Hey, you do a pod, you leave after. You can't
just assume we're going to get hammered and hang
out all day unless we talk about it. Right. I
would say, though, if I get day drunk with people,
I... I assume. Yeah, it's a good plan. Where
are you going? After, yeah. If we get together
and have barbecue at Terry Black's at 1 o 'clock
and like, let's fucking get blasted. Yeah. It's
over. The day's over. That's it. You're hanging
out all day. Yeah, you're done for three days.
I rarely get those days. I rarely get that. Those
days were fun back when you had all the time
in the world. You had nothing to do. No pod.
My family went away for a week. COVID was the
best. Noon, you'd be with DeRosa, you'd call
Big J, like, it's 12 .02, you want a drink? Like,
I guess. That was the good thing about COVID,
right? The people who are risk takers, you get
together with them. Oh, yeah. You go outside,
too, and just drink out there. How long did you
guys go without being around anybody, though?
Oh, man. As long as I could. People the whole
time. The whole time? Yeah, I was on the road.
You never, like, took a week off of, I mean,
other than, like, family and, like, real close
friends? Yeah, I did do that. That's, like, three,
four weeks, actually. Bro, that's so bad for
your brain. I went three months. How many guys
never came back? A lot of people never came back.
A lot of guys never came back. Some people are
starting to come back. Yeah. I don't want to
name them, but. I know who you're talking about.
You go, oh, shit. It's funny to see them the
first week, and you know that's where I was when
I got back. I was like, hey, too close, too close.
Lewis immediately, I'm like, hey, I'm still trying
to. He just licks your face. Come on, Lewis.
But you see people like, hi. I'm like, oh, you
just got back? Okay. It took a week. You've got
to get back now, though. Burr would only do elbow
touches for a while. Oh, yeah. Howard Mandel
was like... Meet outside and do elbow touches.
Like, get the fuck out of here. I was hugging
everybody. Fuck it. Those were dark days. I remember
nothing was going to end. I know, man. But there's
a lot of good came out of it. It was my favorite.
Forced me to move here. It was my favorite, too.
Really? What a fun time. Really? You had time
to think, time to hang out with your friends.
Also, I had just gotten canceled. Oh, yeah. That's
true. I just went to a beach house. Same, actually.
It was $20 on Airbnb because nobody was traveling.
You went to North Carolina, right? Didn't you
have time to just sit in it, though? No, I was
drinking at the beach. What advice did I give
you when you went to North Carolina? It was something
normal. Don't say gook. Make a fire on the pitch.
Stop saying it. That was my advice. Don't say
it. Oh, my God. No, it was Hill Med, and it was
make a fire. We made fires every night. I remember
you called me like, hey, you were right. Me,
Connor, Beezer, Kylo. Wow, what a trash crew.
It's the trashiest. That's fun. A crew of pigs.
Oh, yeah. Good call. You guys want a big one
or a little one? I'll take a little -y. You want
a little one like this one or like this one?
I'll do a little guy. Is it a Fuente? Is it a
short story? These are all given to me by Jose
Andres. Is that a short story? You know, maybe
you know. I know. Sigari Shafir. A short story.
That's what they call him. You want a short one?
Let me see. I'm actually all right. I don't like
any of them. Let me see all of them. You don't
know what the fuck that is. Oh, this is the one.
It's Open X. This is the high -end version of
this brand. They're super legit. What do you
want? The short stories are great, though. Take
a nice light one. You won't appreciate it. That
might be too heavy for me. Do a short story.
You'll like it. Give me a little chode. That's
not a chode. That thing's fine. That's true.
Well, if you only want a little bit. Ron White
has those little tiny ones. Cigarillos. Tiny
cigars. Darius has those all the time. But he
inhales those motherfuckers. He does. He inhales
them like he does a cigarette. I'm like, that
is so bad for you. Those are so bad for you.
You're taking straight cigar smoke into your
lungs. There you go. You know how to do it. Teeth.
Bro, how good is that song? That song freaks
me out. Very good. Good soulful song. It feels
like a throwback. You can't fake that. You can't
fake that. I've never heard a guy make a song
about a divorce. It's pretty funny. He's going
through it, dog. He's going through it. Rock's
like, you'll be mad if you make 30 grand if you
have to give up half. Half at 10 million is nothing.
Half at 30 grand is nothing. That's a fucking
crazy song. Great tune. Reminds me of Mike Lawrence's
joke on Ralphie Mae. During roast battle he goes
your wife's divorce me Which is crazy to split
up now and get half where you just wait six months
and get all of it That's crazy that's crazy hey
Jamie do we have any beers in here? This whole
cooler. I'm right there. Oh Could you imagine
hello? Oh? Hello? Actually giving her that advice
imagine like if you're the lawyer. Hey, just
wait a little bit if you're the lawyer like You
know, take them out to eat. Yeah, just wait them
out. Take them to fucking Denny's. Oh, sorry.
Same thing. Two in one. Keep them going. Yeah.
Keep that party rolling. Did you ever work with
Panette? Yes, I did. He is a funny fat guy. Bro,
I saw Panette when I was like an open miker.
He was like a few years ahead of me. I saw him
murder one night. He was such a crusher. He had
this bit about going to a Chinese food, all you
can eat buffet. And they're like, no, you get
out. Oh, yeah. I saw it on TV. Bro, he did that
at Nick's Comedy Stop one night, packed house,
brought the fucking house down. And he had that
Boston old school rapid fire punchline style.
And he was a big guy. And he was fucking huge
at one point. But the physical stuff, the body
being that big, just sabotaged. When I moved
to L .A., one of the first times I realized how
phony Hollywood is, he came into the improv and
all the agents and managers and the suck -ups
were like, John, you look amazing. You look so
good. He's like a 480 -pound guy. And I'm like,
what? We did it to Shane 20 minutes ago. No,
no, no. And now everyone was very mean. One of
the guys outside was like, you look good. Well,
better. That's fair. That's like, I believe you
now. He wasn't joking. He was totally genuine.
Being honest with you. Yeah. Pretty funny. Well,
better. Better. All right. With how much your
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the link in the description. Yeah, imagine telling
a 455 -pound guy he looks great. You're looking
fucking good, dude. You look great. I'll tell
that to you. You look great. That's like, okay,
good for a staff. You've never looked better.
You look 20 years younger. Oh, look how fat.
Man. Unfortunately. He's already funny. He just
looks funny. Oh, he was so funny. He was so good.
If Ozempic was earlier. Such a good comic. Oh,
yeah. Yeah, but then you have a big head. He'd
be alive. Alive with a big head's pretty funny,
too. That's true. Because when you have a big
fat guy's body, your head grows. Your skull grows?
Physically. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah. If you ever
watch a big, giant fat guy, when they lose a
lot of weight, their head looks way too big for
their body. Because they were 500 pounds. They
had a head of a 500 -pound man for 20 years.
And then all of a sudden, you get a belly band,
and now you weigh a buck 50. You got a 500 -pound
dude's head. Go from a fighting style of this
to... Also, all that chewing, all these muscles.
Your jaw is one of the weirdest things. That's
what mewing is all about, when people change
their jawline. Your jaw moves. Your jaw can get
larger. You can actually change your jawline
from exercise. Isn't it crazy? You can't alter
your dick. You gain weight, nothing happens.
You can't work out your dick. We work out our
dick every night. You can't do nothing to your
dick. Nothing. Put a man on the moon. We can't.
You can't fix the dick. Can't fix the dick. If
you got a micropenis. Oh, by the way, that female
boxer. That female boxer that everybody was saying
was a woman. That's a man. Come on. Fact now
proven. Wait, I thought you said. They got a
sex result test back. The Iranian one? The Iranian
one that won the Olympic gold medal is a man.
So she's funny. They released a medical report.
Who's they? The IOC. Well, the IOC is the one
that allowed her to compete in the Olympics.
But one of these amateur boxing organizations
apparently did a test. I thought it was one of
those. I was like, you guys are wrong about this
one. It's not a trans. It's actually just some.
It's a biological male. Yeah, that went through
puberty, the whole deal. It's just crazy. Teeing
off on bitches in Paris. Wap. Oh, yeah. I love
it. That's so. Crazy. We should have that as
an Olympic sport. Beating bitches. I think this
person has, like, line them up. I ran with crushing
that. No, no, you got to uppercuts. It's like
they have all the technique down from years.
You know what's really dark? First you grab the
arm, you bend. You say, shut the fuck up. I told
you not to bring that up in front of my fucking
friends. Did I see you driving? I told you not
to bring that up. It's such a good, like, help
me out here. Give me a good pitch. You see Greta
Thunberg's on her way there right now. She's
going to fix it. What is this? Foodburgers on
the way to Iran. She unfixed Gaza. Oh, she's
on a sailboat. She's taking a sailboat to Gaza.
Three years fucking later. Who is? I can't wait
for them to meet her. Bro, that little how dare
you girl. How dare you? You know, the climate
change girl? You know, the little autistic girl?
Well, now she's free Palestine. She's singing
things off her phone. Now she's at the front
of a boat like George Washington making its way
to Gaza. Whatever the environment, though. Bro,
there she is. Is the environment done? She's
got a nice boat. from the river to the rising
sea levels. She's going to fix it. Not bad, dude.
She's going to break the Israeli naval blockade.
I'm working on it. I actually got more. Bro,
those IDF guys are going to turn her into cat
food. They will light her up from the fucking
shore before she's even close. They don't play
no games. Both sides are going to blow that bubble.
Yeah, they don't play when they see it. They
actually maybe come together on who gets to blow
it up. Maybe that can bridge the gap here. She
could be. You're sacrificing yourself for all
of us. Well, she could be just the best person
ever. Nothing greener than killing yourself.
Or she could be someone that they take advantage
of and use at the front of the line for every
cause. It's one of those. She's a young kid,
man. It's so crazy to take a young kid and put
them as the - Alter their lives. This is going
to be your life now forever. You're the face
of X, Y, and Z. Even if it's not up there and
it is obviously, not obviously, but it could
be out of her hands. She probably is. handlers
and political shit. Oh, for now. At least she's
gainfully employed and cares. Yeah, gainfully
employed. But this is when they got the South
Park kids to fight against Harbucks. What's Harbucks?
Harbucks coming in. It's getting tweaks. Yeah,
it's overcoming tweaks. And they're like, make
the kids do a story about it. And they're like,
all right. And everyone's like, the children
are upset. It's the easiest way to go to get
your calls done. Let a kid be crying about Trump.
The war, though, like Israel, Palestine, and
Russia, Ukraine really ended the fucking climate
change. Oh, yeah. Ended everything. You know
what I mean? It was like, there's World War III's
coming. It's like, we don't have time. Yeah,
none of the climate change people are like, these
bombs are increasing the temperature. Yeah. I
think Greta Thunberg, actually. Unless that was
fake. It ended a lot of shit. Like, the Palestine,
it was like, oh, we forgot about Ukraine. We
forgot about BLM. We forgot about... It ended
everybody saying, dead babies are bad. They go,
well, let me see where they're from first. It's
crazy how everyone's just not... This is all
just terrible. It is really terrible. You can't
get them in Texas either. It's a weird time.
I caught that one. Hey, thanks. I caught it too.
I just stared right through it. I just stared
at the table going, I don't even think that's
funny. It is crazy I can't watch porn here on
my phone. That's a real fucking bummer. You can.
You just have to take a photo of your ID and
send it to the government. What's the problem,
Mark? What am I, a migrant? We want to know how
into feet you really are. Why are some of these
states doing that? What is that? Tennessee? I
don't mind feet. We just want to track you completely.
It is. We want to see what your search history
is on Pornhub. It's a nice street, though. You
go on the road, you go, oh, yeah. Yes, exactly.
You got to go out in New York. You don't know.
It's all the tax -free states, too. Florida.
Tennessee, Florida, I don't know. Tennessee for
sure. It is a bummer, and the only way you find
out is when you're doing the show in Tennessee.
Don't you guys know about ExpressVPN? Yeah. Get
ExpressVPN. Say you're fucking phoning in from
Thailand. You can see everything. Yeah, but then
sometimes it goes like, it's not registering
right. It's not doing it. It's like, come on.
Come on. Really? VPNs? Sometimes I'll leave Texas
and it's still the same VPN. I'll tell you the
result is I go on Xvideos now. Xvideos. More
regular chicks. Now I'm turned on to just regular
bars. Before it had to be at this level. Now
I'm like. You only got 10 pounds extra. I'm into
it. X videos is rough, though. It's rough. Bad
lighting, bad stomachs. Ladies need to know 10
pounds extra is way better than 10 pounds too
thin, right? Ozempic 10 pounds, that Ozempic
10, where your face gets sucked in. I like soft.
Yeah, you don't want the Holocaust. Like, an
extra few pounds is nice. Like, when girls start
thinking they need to lose weight, that's when
they're like, right there. And they start fucking
with their face. When they get to the point where
they think they should lose a little weight and
stay right there. That's where they're perfect.
Are you about to make fun of someone's face?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking sketchy. Ozempic
is sketchy, man. Because you've got to stay on
that, bro. It's got to be. You don't get on it
and lose 100 pounds and then like, all right,
now I get it. Big Jay's doing great. On Ozempic?
He's slowly going down. No, he's skinny. He was
just on the road with me this weekend. He's like
slowly going down. How big's his head? What's
his head look like? He's got a normal head. It's
okay. He's turned into, you can see that he's
an old Jew now. Before that, he was fat enough
that you didn't really see all the Jewish features.
You know who said that? William Shatner. William
Shatner says he stays fat because he keeps the
wrinkles away. Shatner. Because he gives you
a plump face. Captain motherfucking Kirk. Shatner.
Shatner, whatever. Same shit, dog. My favorite
basketball player is Shat. But it's funny to
watch Jay. Whenever we get in a car now to go
somewhere, he's like, I'll get in the back. And
it's like, you're new, you're spry now. That's
a big guy. I relate to that. One day I dreamed
to be like, fellas. I'll sit in the way back.
So what's he going to do with all those giant
jean shorts? I don't know. Sell them. He's got
to buy new clothes. Make a sale for Greta. He's
going to backyard her. Sew them all together.
Make a big tent out in Myanmar. We hawking. I
hope she live vlogs that shit. I want to see
her go down. Some of the rebels we're arming
need tents. Fire him up. Greta Thunberg going
to Palestine is like those people going to the
unchartable islands and be like, hi, I'm Christian.
Yeah, like North Sentinel Island. Jesus, you've
forsaken me. That shit's crazy. Or the white
social worker who goes into Baltimore ghetto.
He's like, hey, everybody, I'm here. And they
just beat the fuck out of him. How about the
dude who was a Rockefeller? The dude who was
a Rockefeller who went to the Papua New Guinea
tribe and they ate him? You know why he fucked
up? Yeah, he fucked up because he said, I'm actually
very important where I am. They go, oh, that's.
That's more nutrients. No, no. What happened
was he fucked up and was trying to get a sacred
item from them and trying to buy it from them.
And they didn't want to give it. And he was very
insistent. And he apparently offended them deeply.
And then when he returned, they're like, oh,
he's back. And they stabbed him when he was in
the boat. They were taking him in the boat over
there. And they stuck him with a spear. And he
was like, oh, screaming out. And he cried. And
the guy who told the story, there's a whole depiction
of how he died. Pull it up. I read that it was
because also he was an important. Man, in America,
in another country, that's better to eat that.
That's a good person to eat. I think the big
thing was the offense. I think it was the offense
because they would have killed him the first
time. It was when he came back. Yeah. Here's
one, and I'm trying to remember who it is. It
might have been a Rockefeller. What? Somebody's
kid went to Africa and paid to watch them cannibalize
a kid. Yikes. Whoa. I got to remember, it's a
Rockefeller, like a DuPont, or like one of those
names. Yeah. I wonder if he's telling this at
a party. He goes, guys, just so you know, they
were going to kill him and eat him anyway. He
did? No, I think that's exactly what he did.
He came back and was like, they were going to
eat him anyway. I just wanted to watch it. Holy
moly. Did you imagine watching that? How about
that dude, General Butt Naked? Remember that
guy? Yeah, hell yeah. From Liberia? Liberia,
yeah. Still alive. They would kidnap a child
and cut the child's heart out and eat it raw
before they would go into battle. And he would
go into battle buck naked. James Whiskey. James
Whiskey here by a slave girl to watch her get
cannibalized. What? Is that true? Referenced
to 130 -year -old what? That's a tough one. 130
-year -old scandal and a horrifying anecdote
from a colonial expedition. Jamo's been around
for 130 years. Wow. He bought a slave girl to
watch her get cannibalized? Mixture. What's true?
Go up to the top. Scroll up right there. By his
own admission, Jamison witnessed the murder and
mutilation of a girl and is now the Democratic
Republic of the Congo in 1888. Incident took
place after Jamison paid handkerchiefs to a man
who said, give me a bill of cloth and see. Oh,
boy. What? So, Jameson insisted he did not set
out with the intention of causing or witnessing
any murder or act of cannibalism and described
what he ultimately witnessed as the most horrifyingly
sickening sight I am ever likely to see in my
life. I mean, somebody's like, that's a fair
statement. Just give me a handkerchief. What
do you guys do? Do you guys eat people? It's
like, give me a handkerchief and you'll see.
And that's all you have to give the guy? A handkerchief?
We all would have done it. We all would have
given him a handkerchief, not knowing what it's
going to be. What does this mean? What do you
mean? First of all, I'd be terrified to not give
him the handkerchief. Yeah. Because he's already
killing and eating people. You don't know what
you're getting. Like the guy who got killed and
eaten in Papua New Guinea, I bet he had no idea
he offended them. No. He thought he was bargaining.
Yeah. If you don't know their culture and you're
deeply offending them by wanting some sacred
item that they have, like whoopsies. Pissing
on the tree in Somar. In where? In Midsommar.
He pissed on the tree. He's like, what are you
doing? He's like, I just wanted to piss. I don't
know what that is. What is that in reference
to? Oh, it's a hell of a movie. Midsommar? Ari
Aster? Do you know it, Jamie? I've never said
it. It's a good movie. It's a horror film. Good
rec. Yeah. Oh, I've never seen this. Oh, you
would hate it. Would I hate it? No, you wouldn't.
No, I think you would think it was fucked up.
It's pretty great. But it's cool. It's an A24.
Anyway, the reference. Forget it. How many fucking
AI movies are going to be made over the next
year? They're coming. All of them. Let's get
rid of the actors. I'm all for it. They're coming.
Well, we don't have to hear from them. Yeah,
we don't have to hear from them. All the mediocre
actors, all the, like, CBS, like, cop show actors
who always play, like, the deputy. We've got
the papers, but we don't know if he did it yet.
You know, that guy's gone. That guy's gone. All
the NPCs are gone. They're looking real good.
They can make a Protect Our Parks AI three hours
long. Do it. It's so easy to replicate. We replicate
it. We're easy. Every single episode. Play Freebird.
Let's get these guys not at their best. Play
Freebird 40 minutes in. Yeah, we'll do some Hitler
stuff. Get a pun in there. Get a couple drinks
in this. Hitler speeches going. Hey, everyone
play Come Out of the Closet. Oh, yeah. We probably
will play. Hey, is that Kanye? Kanye won the
Hallelujah one. Is that real? I was going to
say changed it. Is that legit? He actually changed
it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He made a hallelujah
one. Another version. Of the same song. Yeah.
Hallelujah. But it's not. It's like all my brothers
Christians. Hallelujah. They still have the N
word in it? Nay. I do not believe so. I don't
know. Does it, Jamie? I think it's Brothers.
He says Brothers. Oh, okay. That song was the
craziest song anybody's ever put out. It was
the craziest song I've ever heard. Have we talked
about that on this? No? Which song, Brothers?
Catchy and fucking insane. It's a little catchy.
He said the three things you could never say
all together. Yeah. Well, it was tough how tricky
it was, or how catchy it was. I know. I'd listen
to it, and then I'd be like, that was crazy.
And then the rest of my day, I'd be walking around
going, hmm. Exactly. I was humming it. Shows
how important Twitter is. They kept it up. I
know. It's up there. It was number two in Israel.
What? Yeah, it hit the chart. Pull it up. No.
Give it a go. Oh, it's still got the N -word
in. All right. Good. Oh, it is. So you just changed
that part? Yeah, it's like that. It's how the
melody goes. You got to leave it. Oh, okay. I
only heard one part where he's saying, all my
brothers Christians. Google if it's number two
in Israel. I swear I heard that on Spotify. Wait,
they changed the Heil Hitler song to the Hallelujah
song? Yeah. It's wholesome. That's nice now.
That's like when they changed the Let's Get Retarded
to Let's Get It Started. Yeah. So they can do
NBA commercials. It's not as good anymore. Everybody
forgets Let's Get Retarded in here. That's a
clear shift of when things change. You know the
first one is Tutti Frutti. What? Tutti Frutti.
The original was Tutti Frutti Good Booty. It
wasn't Oh Rudy. Little Richard was singing about
booties. Tutti Frutti. Tutti Frutti, Good Booty.
It's all about sex. If you listen to the song,
the original version of the song, you can see
the lyrics online. You can find them. That was
the original song. He was talking about... He's
thinking about Good Booty. Isn't that wild? Good
for him. This episode is brought to you by UFC
on ESPN+. All right, guys, mark your calendars
because UFC 316 is going down Saturday, June
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Eastern. Very gay. You can find the lyrics. He
used to come to the store, Little Richard. Stay
next door. Really? Stay beyond us. Yeah. Whoa.
He used to live there, right? Yeah. It was a
Hyatt back then. He lived there. Holy shit. Sometimes
guys get to a certain point where they just want
a maid to fucking clean the room. Who cares?
An apartment, anywhere else, same thing. I thought
Kim would live in a hotel too. Probably. It's
a wild thing. They do so much money. Yeah, I
know, right? That Chateau Marmont. A lot of people
live there. When you're cracked out, it's a good
place to go to be fully cracked out. It's the
beginning of the end over there. You go there
with a fucking plan. A velvet jacket and a plan.
We're going to fucking die here. We're going
to fucking die here. It's the right level of
coke where I think I have powers. You got a cigarette
holder with long stems. That must be so nice.
I know. To be that high on cocaine that you're
like, I am the man. I am the man. I'm going to
fucking die in this place. I wouldn't want the
maid coming in, though. Living in a hotel, you
got secret shit in there. Yeah, but that's the
thrill of it. That's the thrill of it. It's like
spies. Like spy versus spy. Yeah, and you're
so high. I'll keep it. I'll keep it. You're absolutely
convinced the maid is CIA. Oh, 100%. That's the
maid. It's like, you're coming in, you're coming
all the way in. There's no peeking your head
in. There's something hot about the maid in the
room, isn't it? It's because of your porn search.
Don't force it. You can grease it, make it easy.
Whoa! They replaced with Tutti Frutti Arruti.
Tutti Frutti already. Tutti Frutti, good booty.
If it don't fit, don't force it. You can grease
it, make it easy. What is the rest? This is WAP.
This is the original WAP. Tutti Frutti, good
booty. If it's tight, it's all right. If it's
greasy, it makes it easy. Wow. I think it said
he was playing this song live and then. When
they recorded, it changed it. Wait, he was gay?
Oh, yeah. What? Get out of here. Verses contain
descriptions of anal sex. Oh, my goodness. Oh,
yeah. It hits different when you know it's gay.
Oh, my goodness. Gross. What does it say about?
Hold on. Go back to the bottom. Stop right there.
Blackwell contacted local songwriter Dorothy.
A lady wrote this? That's to revise the lyrics.
Boss Street to revise the lyrics. Oh, there we
go. With Little Richard still playing in his
characteristic style. Oh, after a lively performance,
Blackwell knew the song was going to be a hit,
but recognized that the lyrics, with their minstrel
modes and sexual humor, needed to be revised
for lyrical purity. Little Hibbert's time. Someone
should make that now with the original. Yeah.
You could make that hit. Yeah, Lil Nas X could
put that out. Oh, yeah. 1955. Oh, yeah. It was
1955. He was talking about greasing up guys'
dicks and asses. Fetty Wap could do it. Free
Fetty Wap. Free Fetty. What did he do? Nothing.
Whoopsies. What was he accused of? Juicy J. I
think it was selling drugs. Juicy J could pull
that song off of your lips. Yeah. He never came
off his game. There's dudes out there that could
pull that off. Can't get a mouth pregnant. Is
that right? Yeah. That's fun. They used to have
to hide. Gay guys used to have to hide. Isn't
that crazy? Just like a metaphor. You used to
have to hide. The psycho, Anthony Perkis. Oh,
he was gay too? Big homo. Big. You know where
they still have to hide, though? Leading man
roles. Yeah, Tom Cruise. I don't know if that's
true. mountain just to not blow a guy. His grandfather,
anyway. He's got to do those stunts to get his
mind off it. You know what I'm saying? If you
know a guy's married and he has a husband, you
don't want to see him in a leading role making
out with a lady. You're like, ah, he's all there
thinking about dicks. That's a good point, but
it's acting. But it's the one thing where we're
homophobic openly, right? Lesbians, it doesn't
matter. If you know a lady who's a lesbian, like
Jodie Foster, she's allowed to play a wife of
somebody. Nobody cares. Nobody blinks. But if
you know, name one instance of a guy who's a
young, handsome gay guy who gets to play straight
in a big movie. Who would you say? If you found
out that Christian Bale was gay, it would ruin
his whole gig. Who are the gay gays? He's one
of those actors like Daniel Day -Lewis. Too good.
Where you're like, he's such a fucking artist
that you'd be like, he's something. No one's
pulled that off. Tom Hardy's bi. Tom Hardy's
had some butt sex. Is that true? Yeah, Paul.
Is that confirmed? He played a Mohican. That's
for sure. I'm Hardy. So weird statements are
fun. He's explicitly stated that he's gay. While
he's not explicitly stated he's gay or bisexual,
he's acknowledged exploring his sexuality. All
right. Just tell me if he's had it in the butt
or not. He just wears masks. No. He's exploring.
Hardy's a good one. He wears goggles. He's great
on Mobland, bro. Mobland is so good. He's great
in everything. Have you seen it already? Uh -uh.
Oh, my God. Paramount Plus, Mobland. Five stars.
I give it all. All the stars. Guy Ritchie show.
Oh, he's great. Crazy English mob show. You're
like, Jesus Christ. Every show gives me anxiety.
Every episode. I'm like, what the fuck? They
need a rating system back on TV because I am
too deep into these shows where it's like, oh,
this is made for children. And like you don't
know has stuff on regular TV and stuff like that
and they just blend it all in together Don't
they tell you like violence nudity all that stuff
for the beginning of the section so you need
that otherwise like I can't have it I need one's
made for half deer all the kids are half Like,
animals and half... Half deer. What? Half animals
and half... Yeah, I know what that is. Yeah.
It's a kid show. Yeah, yeah. You just see a season
end, and you're like, oh. It's a kid show where
they're half animals? Sweet Tooth. Sweet Tooth.
I've never heard of this. What is it about? It's
a little... Post -apocalyptic. Sweet Tooth. A
post -apocalyptic... Yeah, where, like, women's
animals started merging. What? Yeah, it's a cool
idea. But it's a kid show. They don't tell you
in the teaser. It's not really a kid show. DC
Comics, I don't know. What the fuck? It's, like,
not made for adults. What are you missing that
you wish they had? More violence? More real violence.
It's just too sweet. It's made for like 15 years.
That's cute. Kids with antlers. It's kind of
weird. Fun. They gotta sleep in the back. Is
this a new... How do you sleep with antlers?
It's bullshit. You think it's cute? Give a kid
a fucking headgear that he can't move around
his house in? What if he tries to get through
the trees and he gets stuck? He's gonna cry.
Yeah. Human kids with antlers? It's a terrible
idea. Terrible idea. Don't do it. They got to
fall out, boy. And then your fucking neck hurts
because you're carrying on all that extra weight,
and it falls off, and then it pops back up again.
And that means you only breed once a year if
you have antlers. Joe's taking it. You got one
month out of the year when you get more antlers.
That kid's going to watch out for you, dude.
You're going to stab your friends to death with
those antlers. You're going to be out in the
woods. You're going to shoot them with a crossbow.
I hunt those kids. This show's recommended for
ages 10 and up. You're over 10. There you go.
You're over 10. Fair, fair. I'll give it another
go. I will give it another go. Yeah, the antlers,
sometimes they get stuck in a tree. 100%. Yeah,
animals die that way sometimes. Damn. I'd like
to see them. You ever see those guys, like moose,
like when they shake their fucking antlers off?
What's that called? Oh, yeah, shedding. Whoa.
That's crazy. Giant paddles. It's hilarious.
Yeah, giant paddles. It, like, surprises them.
Really? And then they're free because of all
that weight. You know how much those things weigh?
Those are bone. But it's basically a weapon,
right? That's what they have. These two deer
are locked. Oh. Oh. Yeah, this guy's going to
shoot the antlers off. He's going to separate
them. What the fuck? So he's going to do that
with a shotgun. He's just got to get a good shot.
Oh. Well, he's going to shoot the antlers and
not them? Yeah, not them. He's an expert. Oh.
He's a really good shot. And he's real close,
so all he has to do is clip one of the antlers
and it'll blow them all apart. Boom. He got it.
Boom. So he shot the antler. Boom. What a guy.
They broke free. Because they get eaten by coyotes
that way. And the coyote eats your friend while
you're stuck to him. They found this one deer.
A buddy of mine found one deer that was connected
still to this dead deer. The coyotes had eaten
his friend. They ate his guts out. Everything
was gone. They just ate as much as they wanted.
In the morning, he's still stuck. Whoa. And he
lived. Imagine how horrifying that would be.
You're handcuffed to your buddy, and your buddy
gets eaten by zombies, but they're full. You've
got to chill with them for a minute. But you're
still handcuffed to them. It's like when those
guys fuck the Siamese twin, and they're like,
well, it's only one asshole. Look at this. Here's
another one of those. So this happens more than,
you know. There's a coyote stalking them here.
So it's coyotes that are moving in on him that
have already killed his buddy, and he's still
attached to them. And look, it's just gory and
horrible. That's brutal. It's crazy. And he was
stuck with them the whole time. Look how much
they ate out of them. Oh, fuck. That's so dangerous.
By the way, coyotes are just little wolves. That's
all they are. They're little wolves that are
everywhere in every state. They're everywhere.
Everywhere. They're at my parents' house now
in Pennsylvania. Yeah, they spread across the
whole country. And you hear them at night. It's
fucking, it's pretty intense. You start screaming.
You know, like I was somebody's fucking pet.
Triangulate, right? Yeah. They eat mostly pets.
My cat was out there, and I was watching TV one
night, and I heard them all screaming. I heard,
like, screaming for a little, and I was like,
what the fuck was that? And then I walked outside,
and my cat was, like, laying on the ground, and
there were just three coyotes circling him. And
I don't run out there. I was so scared. I was
like, hey, get the fuck out of here. Right. Yeah,
they don't listen. But I picked my cat up, and
he was purring. It was very weird. That's probably
so happy that you did. It was really sweet. It
was sweet, yeah. I love that cat. He's dead now.
Ah! R .I .P. Tibble. That's the problem with
cats. He got fucking mauled by something. He
was an outdoor cat. Yeah. Outdoor cats are little
murderers, though. I like them. He had it coming.
Oh, yeah. They kill all the birds. They kill
birds and present it to you. Yes. Brought rabbits
into the house alive. Killed this for you. He
was a fucking demon. I love you, Shane. Can you
imagine how fun it must be to be a cat? You have
all your food, so you're covered already. This
is just for fun. This is funsies. Yeah. You're
not eating for survival. I like to let them out.
I feed off the screens. I didn't want him to
be a house cat. Yeah, if a cat's got a yard,
it's kind of brutal to not let them out, but
it's brutal to let them out for everything else.
I love those missing cat pictures on the post
in L .A. Guess what? They're gone. Before coyotes,
though, it wasn't... No. Unreasonable. Now it's
like... Before a coyote, you found your cat dead
on the side of the road. Every now and then,
like a month later, that thing will come back,
like a stepdad. Both of my cats were outdoor
cats, and they came back. See? Fucking mauled.
Really? One of them had its eyeball hanging out.
Jesus Christ. Crawled back to the house. It's
like John Wick. Come back torn up. They go out
and fight to the death. Cats fight. It's horrible
watching cats fight. Oh, yeah. Especially the
outside ones where they really get after it because
they're used to killing things. Regular indoor
cat, their whole life they just like walk around
with a boner. Never get the fuck. You know, that's
what it's like. You're a little murderer. And
you're a little murderer that's contained in
the house. That's true. And you're showing me
your asshole. If you let that little murderer
out, it could be 11 years old. 11 years of the
perfect life. Let him out. Lock on a bird. Who
do you think wins? City cats or? Outdoor rural
cats. Just like humans. Just like humans. Appalachia
wins over New York City. If Dallas had to fight
the ranchers. The ranchers that surround Dallas.
They're like my Stetson hat. Fucking bloodbath.
It'd be a bloodbath. Tim Walls versus Rogan.
It's not. The world's got it all day long. It's
funny. I had pride in that. In Queens, when I
was walking around, I'd see an outdoor cat, and
I'd just be like, Tibble would fuck you up. My
guy would fuck you up. I got a Maine Coon. That's
awesome. It's huge. Big paws, big ears, but I
can't let it out. No shit. It's staying in my
apartment. Like a fucking werewolf. Yeah. It's
like a honey badger. That's so crazy. People
say a lynx is loose. I mean, that thing's jumping
up the stairs. When I was in high school, we
lived across the street from this park area,
and I had this black cat. This cat was evil.
He killed everything. And one day he killed a
squirrel, and he was dragging it across the street.
The squirrel's as big as him. And he's got his
mouth on the squirrel's neck, and the squirrel's
body's between his legs, and he's walking with
it like this, dragging it because he wants to
show me that he killed the squirrel. I was like,
yo. I was watching him do it from the window
in the kitchen. I was like, what the fuck? I
have to. this story on here before and stop me
if i have i watched tibble killed a rabbit in
the yard and i heard it screaming so i like went
out to be like i pulled him off the rabbit and
when i lifted it was funny he was all muscle
i was holding him under his chest he was just
Like you could feel him breathing. Then I put
him back in the house, and as soon as I put him
down, he fucking scratched me and walked away.
He was mad at you. It was crazy. He was mad at
you. You ruined his fun, piece of shit. This
is what I live for. For real. Did I tell you
when my dog got honey -dicked by a coyote and
tricked into breaking into the chicken coop?
Wait, honeydicked what, huh? Yeah, this coyote
became his friend. He was this big mastiff. And
the coyotes knew they couldn't eat him because
he was huge. So they became friends with him.
So he thought they were dogs. And so the coyote
hopped the fence. He's like, hey, you know, there's
a chicken in there. We can get in there. And
he's like, I can get in there. So he fucking
tears open the chicken coop because he could
at any time. He wanted to. The coyote grabs it,
and the coyote hopped over the fence. I watched
the coyote hop over a six -foot wrought iron
fence like it was nothing. That's awesome. leaped
up in the air, touched the top of the fence with
his feet, and then put his back feet on and hopped
over with a chicken in his mouth. It's like a
Mexican. You saw it taking the chicken? No, I
just saw the chicken. I was playing a board game
with my family in the living room, and one of
my kids yelled out, it's a coyote! And then you
see this fucking coyote run across the backyard
with a chicken in his mouth. Just get to that
fucking fence and leap. it like it flew like
it was like gravity wasn't real you like impressed
or were you mad super impressed yeah well it's
like that you can't be mad i was mad i wanted
to kill it but it's like that's that's what they
do and that was impressive but that's all you
that chicken's cost is worth you saying oh 100
yeah 100 but Then Johnny realized that there's
this whole, that was like one chicken was brooding.
And when a chicken's brooding, you have to separate
them from the other chickens because they won't
lay eggs and they pick all their feathers out.
They think they're going to make a baby with
this unfertilized egg. So they would just want
to sit on top of the egg. They don't want to
go around. It's a weird psychological thing.
The way to break them of it, you take them and
you put them in a little. tiny pen by themselves
where they have to stand on a post. So then they
can't nest, right? And then they do it for a
few days and they're like, I'm over it. And then
they go back to being a regular chicken. They're
not the smartest things in the world. So this
one was in this little tiny one. But then Johnny
Cash realized, I could just go through this wall.
Because he was a 140 -pound mastiff. He was huge.
So he just tore the chicken wire open himself
and killed nine chickens before I got to him.
Holy shit. Yeah, that was a couple days later.
But the coyotes had talked to him and convinced
him, like, chicken eating is fun. You're not
eating these chickens. Look how big you are.
You can eat the chickens. Good point. It tricked
him into doing it, man. He had never done that
before. And then he's hanging out with this coyote,
and the coyote is like his homie. Damn. Honeydictum?
Honeydictum. What's that term? They probably
sent a female coyote and just like, ooh. That's
what the Mormons do. Smells like pussy, doesn't
it? The Mormons out in Salt Lake, they send all
the cute ones to try to convert you, try to get
you in. I heard it works. That would work on
me in a second. Except if you're 21. No, but
the problem is it's a Utah hot, so it's like
a five. I disagree. Utah's pretty hot. The one's
out. The one's out. The ones still in are chubby
and fucking not tattooed. You see Japan. Good.
Ari's like, they have to be tattooed before I
like them. That's hilarious. Anyone in Utah that's
out of the Mormons that are just like, fuck,
sleeves, heroin. Once they get out, they go hard.
They go hard. Fake tits, they go in. Well, seeing
as they feel like they have to make up for lost
time. Right. They've been wearing magic underwear
since you're 24. They can't even drink coffee.
That's so crazy. But you can drink energy drinks.
Did you know that? Really? No. My friend was
a Mormon. He was down in these fucking giant
monsters. I was like, bro, that is way more caffeine
than a cup of coffee. He's like, yeah, but it
says coffee. It doesn't say energy drinks. Yeah,
but a guy wrote it. We know the guy. It's tough
telling a Mormon. They believe a guy wrote it.
What are you talking about? A 14 -year -old wrote
that down. Just some dude. He had a gold tablet,
and he was the only one that could read it. He
would deprive energy drinks of you, too. That's
true. He would now. Oh, yeah, 100%. He just didn't
know about it. No loopholes. No porn, no caffeine,
no booze. Magic underwear. And they got a soak.
They can't thrust. That's fine. I don't mind
a little soaking. I don't mind a little soaking.
Dude, I love the idea. Soak is actually pretty
good. I couldn't do it. It's impossible. Even
a girl gets off on a soak. Just leave it in,
no movement. She's like, that's what I like.
I'm like, whoa. Where the fuck do you find her?
Mormon country. New York. You got to get an Amish
lady. New York is your address. She's asleep.
Come on down. Want to see pictures? Yeah, no.
When I found out about soaking, I was like, oh,
that's it. It's so crazy that they allow them
to do that. Also, you know you're going to blow
if you're soaking. I blow just being next to
a girl. Of course. It's a hot meat glove. In
there. It's designed for that. It's designed
to trick you into making people. Yeah. It's designed
to trick you into it. You see Japan's birth rate
is so low they're flying people in. You get a
birth rate. Pull it up. Yeah, it is crazy. They
make it real economical. Real safe to live there,
too. A lot of appeal. But you got to learn Japanese.
I think they would learn it. It's an easy language
to learn. Is it? No. It's all symbols and upside
down brushes and stuff. It's so nuts that people
develop these fucking languages that are just
so different than anywhere else. When you look
at Russian writing, you're like, what are you
doing with the letters? I was in New York yesterday
and there was a white family speaking a language.
I'm usually pretty good at picking out what the
language is. Yeah. No idea. Really? Probably
Estonians. Icelandic or some shit. It was something
like crazy. Viking. Viking talk. They looked
like Vikings. I just played Reykjavik. That is
a great town. Unreal. It's like otherworldly.
It's glaciers. It's volcanoes. It's saunas and
hot springs. And they all speak English. In town,
for sure. It was great. Deep in the whatever.
Yeah, Reykjavik rules. That's a cool drinking
town. Yeah, great town. Interesting. The chicks
are, like, smart. Yeah. That's where all the
strongmen come from, too. Oh, yeah. Big dudes
out there. All those Magnus von Magnussen -type
dudes. Blonde men. Big fucking Viking leftovers.
That's a cousin fucking. I was hoping I had some
Viking in me. You don't? No, just strictly fucking
Irish. I was hoping I was one of those fucking
Irish people that got raped by Vikings. Yeah.
I'm probably a fucking Viking. No, just a fucking
mud person. How far back can they tell? Like,
what happened to you? Yeah, what percentage?
We're all the same. They're always updating it,
too, like 23andMe. Thank God they didn't get
bought by the Chinese. Some other company bought
23andMe. Now our data's safe again, boys. I don't
know what they're going to do with my shit. I
know. They're going to use it to make a fucking
disease that only kills you. They got your DNA
now. I got that. I got that already. It's called
fucking... It's called Irish. Yeah, me and my
whole island that I came from. I did Belfast.
It's wild. You can't bring up the whole, you
know. Yeah, the Troubles. Yeah, the Troubles,
which is a cute name. You can't bring it up.
People are still alive. I put the wrong flag
on Instagram, and I got like 20 messages like,
take that shit down, we'll kill you. You can't
put up any flag. Don't put up flags. If you put
up a flag, you're going to get messages from
somebody. That's true. Spain has like three flags.
The pride flag. Got me in trouble, too. It's
the whole month, boys. Oh, that's right. Yeah,
it's time. It's a lot less talk about it. Yeah,
it's not everywhere anymore. Every corporation.
It's funny. The corporation's like, oh, we don't
have to anymore? Turns out we're always. Didn't
give a fuck. We never once actually gave a fuck.
They gave a fuck for one month. Is it still Pride
Month? Yeah, it just started. Say no Pride Month.
They're still going to do Pride Month. I hope
he doesn't say no Pride Month. Well, you can't.
But the thing is, you can't. If we decide to
protect our parks month, who the fuck is going
to tell us? It's not an official thing. Who are
the officials at this point in time? The gay
overlords. Prime month no more. Trump administration
says June is title nine month. What is that?
That is the thing that allows women to compete
with only women in sports. Isn't title nine where
they have to get women's sports money? Yeah,
equal representation for women's sports. And
now title nine is anti -trans? It was pro -women.
It's pro -women and then there's trans women
who think they're women and they want to compete
with women and title nine should be there protecting.
Some dude with a problem. If you just were allowed
to like beat up women if you like made a league
where men are allowed to fight women My fucking
league hasn't taken off yet I think he did it
in a special. Yeah, where it's like he went to
Iran or something with his chick, and she was
like, we're supposed to come here. I was like,
you let her talk to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're
just like, oh, you're about to punch. He's like,
I'm going to take my babe on a nice vacation.
Yeah, some guy in the neighborhood might smack
her in the head for you. Some guy might walk
by and just smack her if she's yelling at you.
You know Iran is one of the places that has the
most gender transition surgeries? No way. Yeah,
you know why? Why? Because you can't be gay.
Oh, yeah. So they just become trans. A lot of
religious loopholes. Interesting. Yeah. See if
that's true. I love that moment. You say something
out loud. I'm pretty sure that's true. I'm pretty
sure we've actually looked it up before. And
so you're not gay. You're trans. So it's so interesting.
But they don't allow trans. They do. They do.
You just got to wrap it up. You got to be convincing.
Wrap it up. And drag queens. Cover the face.
Oh, yeah. It's so easy to be trans there. Yeah.
You could be a furry. That's what furries are
all about. You get a hatch. You're just a hatch.
True. You pop the hatch. You're fucking a squirrel.
That's what's going on. Don't get me started.
You're just a happy chipmunk banging a squirrel.
Don't get me started on these good ideas. Great
ideas. Everybody just looks like a cute cartoon
character. You never go eye to eye with anybody
because they're soulless. There's no eye there.
There is a sex reassignment surgery is not only
legal in Iran, but Tehran is considered to be
an international hub for obtaining it. Guys,
let's go. The procedure has been allowed since
Ayatollah, boy, say his name. Ayatollah Khomeini.
But the first, the mental part. Was it Ruhollah?
I've never heard that. Khomeini learned of the
hardships of trans women and issued a religious
decree to legalize it in the mid -1980s. What?
During the Ayatollah Khomeini's rule? That's
crazy. So it's illegal to be gay. But you can
switch genders because that's what's really going
on. You're not really a gay man. That's impossible.
Every time I read these Muslim Sharia things,
I go, God damn, they're the bros. It's just bro
law. They're like, dude, come on, man. You can't
be gay, but you can be a chick. You can be a
chick. Okay? Are you sure? All right, let's go.
Surgery. You guys are good at it. We've been
doing it since the 80s. What? Wow. The 80s? Yeah,
we use a Kirby sword. We slice your penis. By
the way, everybody's cats trans. Wait, what?
You have a male cat. You castrate him. Everybody
does. Because you leave them in the house. If
your cat goes in the house, they'll pee all over
your fucking house. That's true. They will mark
every spot in your house. You have to cut their
balls off. I'm just trying to get normal. R.
Kelly. It's amazing how many cats there are out
there because every male cat gets his balls chopped
off. That's true, but the stray cats do all the
fucking. Oh, yeah. They do a lot of fucking.
Pick up the slack. They do a lot of fucking.
I think Kat Dixon's getting after it. Oh, really?
Kat Dixon little spikes where they go in, they
can't come out. Do you ever see that video where
the crow talks these two cats fighting each other?
He fucks with them. He fucks with one cat and
he flies over to the other roof and fucks with
the other cat. He gets them fully worked up.
Fully worked up. And then they fucking start
duking it out. And the crow flies down. He goes
down while they're scrambling. He's fucking Herb
Dean. He loved it. He instigated it. Got it to
happen. And was a fucking willing... Participant.
We should be using crows. They're so smart. They're
crazy smart. Yeah. Crazy smart. We got to harness
that. Just befriending them. I mean, Edgar Allan
Poe figured that out way back in the day. Crowbar.
Ravens and crows. They're so fucking intelligent.
We had it. Edgar Allan Poe. Crowing machine.
Edgar Allan Poe. He starts fucking with this
one cat. Just get real close to him. Just kind
of pecking at him. Fuck out. What the fuck is
wrong with you, bitch? Oh, shit. Just fucking
with him. Just completely riling up, pecking
at him. Look at this. And just jumping just out
of the way. He knows how fast he is. He knows
how fast he can. He's like, nah, quick enough,
bitch. Go get that one. Damn. And so he gets
over, he's like, fuck it, that's got him. Fight,
fight. Wow. Before that, though, he went over
to the other side and was fucking with that.
Look it, they fall off the roof. And then he
goes down and follows them. Still getting after
it. They don't stop when they fall 30 feet. Yeah.
They're still duking it out, man. Just duking
it out. And then they go down those stairs. Look
at that little hole. Look, they're going to fall
down the hole. Boom! Still duking it out. Look
at this. They're going after it, son. That's
a fight to the death. They do love jiu -jitsu,
too. They're good from their back. They lay on
their back and kick up. They scratch the fuck
out of each other. My outdoor cat would come
home with just deep scratches all over his ears.
His ears were all tattered. Yikes. Ugh. That's
funny. That's a funny idea. And if they get locked
when they're having sex, they get stuck. Exactly.
Because they're a barbed dick. I've seen dogs
do that. Ugh. Wait, dogs what? Dogs have the
same thing. Locked dicks. Oh, really? Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Pull it up. They're just stuck with
a hard dick. It's honestly like every one I stand.
That's mostly. You're like, I want to get out
of here. We're the only mammals, I think, that
don't have a bone for the dick because otherwise
we just use it constantly. Speak for yourself.
Yeah. These poor dogs. Dogs fucking locked. Yeah,
that's it. It's the beagles. All right. We've
reached. Yeah. This is exactly where this podcast
goes. I don't even know how you get them unstuck.
Do you throw cold water on them? What do you
do? It's like antlers. You got to shoot it. How
do they get unstuck? They got to go back to the
right position? Yeah, you got to wait. Oh, my
God. Wait till what? Wait till the dick goes
soft. Damn. Give them the jizz. But it's just
a bone. That's what's crazy. Is that right? Yeah.
But you see dogs fucking on the side of the road.
It looks pleasant. Yeah. No one's ever said that
before. We've all seen like, hey, look at that.
That's pleasant. That's like a warm cup of tea.
I don't think I've ever seen dogs actually fucking.
Oh, I've seen it all the time. I see it at the
dog park all the time. It's so funny because
the owners get like, hey, I'm so sorry. And the
dog's like, leave us alone. Right. We don't care.
But you never see a dog like, woo! The owner's
like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Kind
of calm. They just do it real quick and get out
of there. Yeah, like a Mormon. The girl dogs
aren't upset. I saw a video of these bulldogs
fucking and it made me actually kind of sad.
Jamie, find a sad bulldogs fucking. What was
sad about it? You'll see. It's a tale as old
as time. Genetically fucking twisted. Just makes
you feel a type of way. Really? I don't want
to give you. Yeah, there's a twist on this. There's
a show twist on this video. What happens? No,
nothing that bad. It's just, you know. Ooh. Oh,
baby. What went wrong with this bulldog? Nothing.
It's just a guy. It's a guy dog trying to talk
to a girl. And then another guy comes in. He's
like, hey, what's up? And they run off. Oh. And
then the camera pans over and they're fucking
again. And then it goes back to the bulldog that's
sitting there. He's like, hmm. Oh, I've been
there. God damn it. Yeah, we've all been there.
That's the worst. So, but J -Mo's quicker. Bulldog's
fucking sad. J -Mo's losing. He's going to nail
that. J -Mo's losing. He has a different algorithm
than you. No, he started describing a different
thing. We were talking about dogs stuck together,
so I'm looking for two dogs stuck together, and
now you said it was a third dog. That gets one
velvet suit. Three -way, yeah. Talking back.
You ever see a lady fuck a dog on the internet?
I did. I saw one on VHS tape when I was 18. Me
too. Really does. Best day of my life. It was
a German Shepherd. This lady was fucking a German
Shepherd. It's always a goddamn German Shepherd.
What is this? Always. I saw two guys get in a
fight, Jim Painter and Carboni, and we were all
watching a dog fucking a chick, and Jim was like,
she has nice tits. And Pete Carboni was like,
what the fuck? She's getting fucked by a dog.
And he's like, that has nothing to do with the
tits. The tits are nice. What does that have
to do with it? I'm glad they had that argument.
That's everybody's internal argument about whether
her tits were nice or not. She's being fucked
up about it. He needs to leave the room. No,
I had that fight in my head when I saw it. Really?
Yeah. Two sides of me were going, what the fuck
are you watching? This is disgusting. That lady
should be put down. And then the other side of
me is going, that's fucking nice. Same with chick
with dick. You're like, eh, good tits. The balls
are a problem. Some guys get to a point where
that's the only thing that turns them on. Big
tits and a hard -on. Let's go. Yeah. Best of
both worlds. Get crazy. It's a tough thing to
be locked in. Plus, you want someone who never
says no. You want someone who wants it all the
time. Oh, you want to fuck? Okay. The Ayatollah
was into it. Apparently, yeah. He was like, I
have a religious decree, dude. Trans is fucking
sick. Let me be the first to try them. By Ayatollah.
Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. All right, the Bulldog
video is not good enough for us to take this
time. I guess so. It's fallen out of favor. I
think Jamie's not looking it up because he's
still worried about that money you owe him. Oh!
Oh, shit. Now we're talking. Oh, I thought you
guys better than that. He owes me more money.
Oh! He owes me money for what? No, no, no. I
saved you. It's back. Leave it to the Jew to
bring up the debt. The debt is owed. That debt
is owed. Oh, I definitely paid him the debt back.
I flew him back from the game. He brought confetti
onto the fucking flight. I was telling someone
the other day about how when you were a struggling
comic, you would make a living going to those
poker tournaments. It definitely wasn't comedy
I wasn't paying. He was making a living playing
poker. What was this, a year ago? Yeah, the drunk
Mexicans on Fridays. Just steal money off them
on paydays. You can just say Mexicans. They would
just go all in with the jack, dude. Yeah, you
didn't have to get so descriptive. You got a
no way. Oh, it was great. Yeah Yeah, I remember
you still like that was how you were making a
living. It was crazy I was like I don't think
I've ever met anybody who like reasonably approached
gambling Like this is how I'm gonna like use
this as a job You're the first guy that I ever
met that like used poker as like you played it
professionally like you were you were intelligent
about it It's the mathematicians my math wasn't
great like these other guys are crazy They know
the exact note. But mine, compared to just a
regular, I was pretty good. And you took all
the money from the poor, drunk Mexicans? 100%.
You really are a Jew. Yeah, yeah. Texas. That
wasn't even funny enough for them. That one's
going to get you in trouble. Yeah, it's an equalizer.
You play with the fucking owner of the Lakers.
Didn't know what it was going to become. And
then Jose Canseco was there. But you're all equal.
Tournament. You're all buying for the same. And
then I just started smoking weed. Like at the
time, so I could see through people when I was
high. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you see something,
right? You're just like, got it. That's nice.
Yeah, it was nice. What happens if you never
won? You got to pay the rent. Well, I played
with the bank. Oh, jeez. So like whatever I had
already won a little bit. It's like you're just
playing out of there And so when you when you
like win big you see all these like guys kind
of looking at you as you're going to cash in
And you're just like uh you keep this money here
for me for next time like yeah, I'm like okay
Pull you over six blocks out $12 ,000 on a fucking
second place victory at fucking yeah hustler
Casino or Hollywood Park Man. Commerce. That's
a better idea than being good at poker. Yeah.
Right. Just get a gun. Just follow something.
See who you want to go. Right. It's easy. So
glad I don't have a gambling addiction. Shady
times. It's a scary addiction. Yeah. I don't
have it. I don't either. It's fun to gamble on
sports a little. Yeah. But I don't chase it ever.
Same. For some people, it's like a thrill. and
there's nothing else in their life that gives
them a thrill. They got a job. The job sucks.
They got a family they don't like, and they go
out, and they fucking risk it all. Risk it all.
They're fucking shaking, and they can't wait
to do it again. We'd go after spots, and then
we'd go, like, midnight one, go down there, and
then if you played for, like, five hours, you're
all right, leave. If it's seven, you're like,
hey, it's rush hour. That means you've got to
play for ten. You've got to miss rush hour to
get back. You'd just be there forever. Damn.
Yeah, and it's a 24 -hour -a -day deal. Oh, yeah,
there's no windows. No windows. It's just like...
It's like this. Different world of people, too.
Real degenerates. Sitting around with sunglasses,
drinking. Same as the pool hall people. Probably
those are worse, probably. Same humans. Yeah.
Same humans. At least the pool hall people have
some skill. You get to know each other. Yeah.
Like, oh, you're regulars. You talk all the time.
It's just like... But we're all trying to steal
money from each other. Yeah. So we're like enemies,
but we're being friendly. That was pool hall
banter. It was all guys who were trying to rob
other guys. Like, I can't play you even. I need
the eight ball. And they'd be sitting around
talking forever. Everyone's got a gambling addiction.
It's like, who can hold out the longest? It was
like two guys with a boner. Like, we can't fuck
yet. Come on now. Let's fuck. No, no, no. Not
yet. They'd hold off to try to get a better deal.
And you were in there. That was funny when we
were in the car, and we were talking about you
playing pool all the time, and he was just like,
I'm a psycho. Yeah, he's a psycho. We'd go out
to shows, and be like, let's go play pool. It's
like something to do, you know, after a show.
Okay, cool, an hour or two. Seven. At some point,
he's like, Joe, can we please get out of here?
I have a problem. Really? Yeah, but it's a good
problem. It's good problems. Yeah, it's not a
problem like I smoke crack. My problem is when
I lock on something, time goes away. Yeah, you
can catch heroin, or you can catch fishing. Yeah.
That's a better one. Fishing's a better one.
Pool's a better one. Pool's a good one because
you can only do it physically for so long. Whereas
video games, you can play video games 12 hours
in a row. That's true. No problem. All you're
doing is sitting. Keeps you up. Yeah. Drink Mountain
Dew. It keeps you totally dialed in. Yeah. You
got explosions going off in your ear. You're
gunning folks down. You're running down hallways.
All right. One more level. One more level. And
it's four hours past. Why am I going to bed?
Got the headset on and call a guy in Mumbai a
fag. You need a job in the morning that you have
to get up for. Or a girlfriend. Or a girlfriend.
Are you fucking serious? It's four in the morning.
Come to bed. I had a call. Dirty problem was
I'd oversleep spots. You go to sleep at like
4 p .m. You know, just like up, up, up. And then
you're like, oh, fuck, I missed my spot because
I was sleeping. Man, you've lived a lot of lives.
Dude, they're going to put a fucking helmet on
you one day. And are you prepared to engage?
Oh, that's coming. Yes. You're going to be in
the world. Like, fully in the world. Bombs going
off. You're running down a dirty street hoping
that this is not real life. That if you die,
you're going to respawn. Jesus! It's Westworld.
Bullets are flying by, breaking the bricks behind
your head. All that shit's, yeah, Westworld.
But Westworld, you could die. You could die,
but the people didn't know that they were robots.
They thought they were in the game. Right. But
they were like, whoa, who am I? That's going
to happen, man. We're all ones and zeros. We've
been in the AI for a long time. Did you hear
that theory? Yeah, we're in the simulation. Come
on. I'm kind of willing to believe that. Humanity
ended hundreds of years ago, but they mined us
for our info. Well, this is just what reality
is. I think we have a version of reality that's
not real. The real reality is we're in a gigantic
computer simulation. Damn, I couldn't have gotten
a bigger dick. Nope. That's what you get if you
want that sense of humor. Yeah, what happens?
You want that sense of humor? Make the average
eight. It is kind of crazy that they've come
up with so many medications, not one to grow
a dick. Yeah, that's true. There's probably a
bunch of guys that don't want it. You can't give
them big dicks. Because if you give them big
dicks, if it's only a couple hundred bucks. Yeah,
society will shut down. Nobody's going to do
a single thing. Eventually you've got pussies
so big they flop down to freedom. Yeah, flying
squirrel pussy people. Remember that bit? That's
what I'm in the name of. That's old school. Right.
That was old school. Yeah, it's a weird thing.
Pushing a dick around in a shopping cart. That's
what a lot of people thought the war on steroids
was. You're trying to stop people from getting
just massive. That's why China's so angry. Little
dicks. Pissing them off. Yeah. Dude, they're
using CRISPR now. I bet they've got giant dicks.
We just haven't seen it yet. What's CRISPR? What's
CRISPR? Genetic engineering. They're editing
people's genes. That's the number one thing.
Give my son a big dick. Let's see what happens.
Give a big dick a super brain. They supposedly
inoculated these kids from HIV. They kept them
from getting HIV, but in the process made them
more intelligent. Like, dude, I know what you're
doing. You're making them more intelligent. Oopsie.
We also made them way more intelligent. They're
like, you're not supposed to do that. So they
put the guy in jail for it. couple years. Now
he's back, kicking ass again. He was like their
top dude, their top genetic guy. Like, yeah,
you're gonna be a drill. And in jail, you get
millions of dollars in hookers. In jail, you
get your dick sucked every day, and you're eating
roast beef. In jail, you're a bad boy. You did
a good job. Good job. Hear me out here. Maybe
this is the shrooms talking, but I think the
dick size you have makes you who you are. Because
you've got to overcome. Tell it to that lady
who was beating up on chicks in the Olympics.
All right. How big was her dick? I don't know.
That was a tiny dick. That tiny dick move is
to become great. Exactly. To beat up women. Kevin
Hart syndrome. Oh, how dare you. I can't beat
up men because I'll go, don't you have a small
dick? You're like, damn it, good point. And they
leave to find a woman to beat up. Oh, boy. I'm
telling you, you've got to work with what you've
got. If you have the choice through CRISPR, how
big your son's dick's going to be. You got to
give him a medium. Medium. Don't go crazy. You
can't go crazy. He'll dominate your house. Yeah,
12 -inch dick. That's what I'm saying. What did
you say to me? 15 -year -old with a fucking piece
of shit. He'll supplant you. He said clean your
room. I paid for that dick, son. I gave you that
dick, you motherfucker. Yeah, you created a monster.
Well, having a son is probably a lot like having
a wild dog where you have to train him, get him
exercising every day, wear him out. Get them
calm. Yeah. Realize like, hey, fella, I know
you're ready to go all the time. That's what
we got to do. We got to burn that out of you
every day so you'd be a good citizen. Right.
But if you're just fucking not paying attention,
then you got a wild teenager. It must be crazy.
Yeah. If you have a son, you have to get him
to not shoot up or or. Or rape until they understand
why both of those are wrong. Has there been a
jacked school shooter? Never. Of course not.
Not one. They don't need it. Has there ever been
one that's not on medication? Not one. Every
school shooter looks like Michael Moore. Thomas
Matthew Crooks had a huge hog. Who's that? Who's
that? The guy who shot Trump. Did he? How do
you know he had a huge hog? Huge hog. The kid?
I see it. Every one of those guys. The 20 -year
-old kid? Yeah. How do you know he had a huge
hog? Oh, it's all over the 4chan. Sucked him
off on the roof. That's why he couldn't get away.
Hey, we took a shot at an old hog. He didn't
miss my mouth. Don't you want to come in my mouth?
I will say, I didn't miss my mouth. It was like
those two handlers locked on. The school shooters
do have giant dick builds, though. Yeah, skinny.
You know what I mean? They're all tall, skinny,
weird guys. Yeah, yeah. Alien bodies. Bro, there
was this guy who was a professor of mathematics
at MIT. I did Taekwondo with him. I don't want
to say his name, but if I tell you his name,
it's even more hilarious. This guy had a donkey
dick. Really? Everybody would change in the locker
room. We would change. We'd be like, what the
fuck? Really? He's like this really kind of uncoordinated,
crazy hair. He had the Jufro, the whole deal.
He had a dick that was like. A solid, limp nine
inches. What? It was a giant dick with giant
balls. And everybody would see it and be like,
what the fuck? And his wife never left his side.
She was protecting that diamond. She had that
diamond dick everywhere she went. It was like
a dog with a bone. She was always there at every
training session. She would travel with him to
tournaments. She wasn't going nowhere. Did the
dick ever hit you on the mat? You're like, Jesus.
No, it was Taekwondo. You had to wear a cup.
You're wearing a cup. It's all tucked away. Could
you call it out at the locker room? Could you
go, Jesus, Harry. No, it's the one thing you
didn't talk about. You wear cups for jujitsu?
Yes, I do. I wear a pitcher. You need to easily.
Some guys don't. Some guys don't. But I got kneed
in the balls too many times. That's great. Thanks,
man. A pitcher. It is funny. It's very funny
when you see one of your buddies has a huge dick.
It's weird. It changes the dynamic. And people
with huge dicks don't like talking about it.
Yeah, that's true. You ever make fun of a guy
for having a big dick? Big dick embarrassment.
That's crazy. Like you with your shoulders. You
get jacked. Not a big deal. Shut the fuck up.
You get jacked. Yeah, the huge dong is a game
changer. It's like when you see your friend playing
the piano. You're like, wait, where'd this come
from? Holy shit. You tapped it? It's a weird
skill to have. Piano? Yeah, when someone sits
down and all of a sudden they can play and you're
like, you never told me? It's funny to see any
friend who has a skill. Hinchcliffe can play
piano. Come on. And drums. Fucking checks out.
And drums. Piano checks out. He plays drums.
But he sits down and just starts playing piano.
You're like, where did this come from? Plays
a skin flute. That's a trombone, the old rusty
trombone. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the extracurricular
skills off stand -up is interesting. Bobby Lee
can dance well and skate. No. Wow. I bet he plays
the fuck out of some video games. Yeah, and some
math. Some math. Andy Haynes can shred on skis.
Right. There's certain guys that are just like,
what's this other thing? Right. O 'Connor was
D1 lacrosse. Wow. Really? Wow. Man, Penn State?
Drexel. Nice. You were thinking Duke. I got my
ribs mixed up. Michael Kosta. Kosta's a tennis
player? Professional tennis player. Wow. He was
like a really good tennis player. 1200th in the
world. Oh, yeah. Which doesn't sound good, but
it's pretty good. How about Rich Voss? It's pretty
good. How about Voss being like a karate guy?
Really? Have you seen those pictures? What? No.
He's a golf guy. It was like right when he started
doing crack. Oh, Jeff Ross. No. Voss. Oh, Jeff
Ross is a black belt in Taekwondo. Really? I
would never have guessed that. You with pool?
It's like there's people that can like do something
like what photo of him throwing a kick, but he's
got a jerry -curl Oh, that's just got addicted
to fucking crack No, it's fucking it's good.
Let me see his form. I don't have you can find
the city About kicking that guy some got some
young cop was trying to like get in with him
and make be cool And he was making fun of his
kid just too familiar Jason Kanter He just kicked
them Boss kicked him. Broke his ribs. Yeah. Boss
fucking rules. Broke his ribs. He was like, actually,
nah, Jason. Nah. Just broke a rib. Oh, yeah.
Jesus Christ. His drug stories. Broke his ribs?
Horse kicked him like that. Really? Yeah, at
the Caroline's Christmas party. Fucking front
kicked him at a Christmas party. Front kick.
What the fuck? I think I heard Jason was like,
no, I was out of line. He was. What year was
this? What year was this? 2009. Wow, that's a
risky time. Risky time to be front kicking people.
The internet exists. Yeah. Yeah. You can front
kick people in the 80s. You have no recourse.
No one's going to believe you. You got any DNA?
Yeah. You got nothing. You got a story? Barkley
threw a guy through a window. It was wild. What?
Nobody knew anything. What's that? Barkley threw
a guy through a window at a bar. What? Charles?
But there's no video. He could just do it. Whoa.
The guy was being too close to me. Threw a guy
through a window is dangerous. Bro, that's how
people die. I'd love to. Cut your neck, glass.
I mean, the way he died, he was talking shit
to fucking Charles Barkley. Yeah, giant super.
I might be 6 '5", but I rebound like 6 '9". He's
a funny guy. Also, if that guy fucking punches
you, oh, my God. You get punched by an NBA player?
If you're going to bother me, I'm going to whip
your ass. Charles Pocky threw a man through a
glass window. Wow. Imagine you're just some dummy
who just thinks you can just talk shit to a guy
forever, and then this 300 -pound giant man just
grabs you and threads you away like you're a
cushion on a couch. He just chucks you. It's
like the guy on the flight. Try to fuck with
Tyson. Tyson, yeah. Well, that's wonderful. Yeah.
There's dudes out there sitting back and watching
Charles Barkley become the coolest guy of all
time. So funny. That guy's sitting there like,
I bothered him once at a bar and he threw me
through a window. I hated him my whole life.
And then you watch him on TV, you're like, fuck,
he's the coolest guy. He's so cool. I know. He's
literally the coolest guy. Yeah. I love when
he was going to do the play -by -play or color,
whatever, for... Easy. L -I -V for golf. Yeah.
The colored comment for live golf. And they were
like, well, that's evil. He goes, where did you
get your money from? Don't you all do iPhone
ads? That's easy on the judgment. That's an interesting
Charles Barkley. That's an interesting. Hey,
man, where did you get your money from? It wasn't
the best impression. Kimmel is the best. This
is a pretty crazy story. The guy says, you're
not going to do shit. You're nothing but a big
-ass pussy. The taunt set Barkley off. William
reached for his radio to call for backup. Oh,
the cop. That's the cop. According to the police
report, as he released his grip, he felt Lugo
escape, except the 20 -year -old hadn't gotten
away. I felt the victim being pulled from my
grasp, Williams wrote in the account of the incident.
I looked up and I saw Barkley holding the victim
up in the air by his... arms. Wow. Oh, God. What
did he say to proceed that? Flung him like he
was a toy. He says, do you know who the fuck
I am? Do you know who the fuck I am? In a matter
of seconds, Charles chucked Lugo through the
plate glass window. Oh, my God. Even if he don't
know who he is, he's six nine. Flung him like
he was a toy. Flung him like he was a toy right
before this too. He had the cops told him not
to go up to music I'm just gonna talk to him.
I don't want to I won't hurt him Charles assured
the officer. I just want to talk to him. Oh my
god I just want to say and the Charlie I was
like, okay You can just talk to him with an arm's
the guy says you're not gonna do shit. You're
nothing but a big -ass pussy There's people like
that out there in the world so funny you're like
you're rich like I wasn't raised rich You guys
have seen the video of Joe Schilling knocking
that guy out in the bar. No. You never saw that?
Oh, my God. I might have. So there's this asshole
at a bar. He's being rude, and apparently he
was being rude all night. And Joe Schilling,
who's a multiple -time world champion kickboxer,
walks by this guy. And the guy tries to make
him flinch. And Joe just goes, da -da -da. Watch
this. So there's this guy drinking, having a
good time, being an asshole, talking about beating
somebody in arm wrestling or whatever. Joe just
is behind him. He just touches him. You know,
nothing. Then he says something to him. He turns
around. Oh, that was quick. Yeah. Well, he's
a world champion kickboxer. You can't flinch
on a guy. That guy's trained. He was walking.
He delayed himself four seconds. I don't think
it was four. I don't think it was four. I mean,
he knew the guy was out. Like, look. Okay, here,
one. He just passes by, and he calls him back.
Oh, that step forward. The step forward with
the chin up in the air. It's like, you can't
do that to a guy like that. He comes at him with,
like, you want them? Okay. Like, what? That's
scary, because that could happen to anybody.
So he had to go to court for that, and he won.
Really? Because it's Florida. It's Florida. It's
like, stand your ground. Florida does rule. They
have some good rules. I love Florida. What was
that? What's that medicine they give you during
COVID? I forgot the name of it. Ivermectin. No,
no, no, no, no. The treatment. Monoclonal antibodies?
That. Yeah. That's what I was trying to remember.
Yeah, they ban that in a lot of places. They
stop people from getting that. I had a whole
podcast about it. I got it. Yeah, you got it.
I got it to a lot of people. When I was down
there, you were like, oh, thank God you're in
Florida. Okay, cool. Do this. There's places
they wouldn't give it to you. They restricted
it. Florida was pretty good during the pandemic.
No, it was great. They were a good place to go.
Did a lot of comedy there. That's where I caught
COVID. That's where I got it, too. That's where
I was. That's where I got AIDS. Thank God you
got rid of that. Yeah. A lot of your people down
there. Jews? Olds. Oh, yeah. They don't come
to shows. They like to relax. Go to Miami and
relax. That's true. A place built on cocaine.
Imagine. Cocaine, Jews, trannies. And Hulk Hogan,
Carole Baskin, Scientology. A lot of rented Lamborghinis.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot of rented Lamborghinis.
Before we got to the store, somebody pulled up
in a limousine. It was a door guy. And I was
like, ooh, who's this? And the manager's already
been jaded. He goes, somebody with $50. Already
jaded. The jaded guy. When I got there, Harris
Peet was the most jaded guy of all time. Maybe
of all time. Of all time. He had been through
all the eras, and he was like, you got to impress
the shit out of Harris Peet. Made a deal with,
the rumor was, Leno and Letterman said, hey,
all three of us, whoever makes it, we'll take
care of the other ones. Really? Does that sound
like a deal you would make? Sounds like a deal
you'd make one night while you're drinking. Not
a real deal. We're all in this together. Yeah,
exactly. The guy who kind of sucks? The guy who
kind of sucks. Come on, one of us is going to
make it. You bring us, will you? It's Shane Gillis,
Dave Chappelle, all talking about it. We're all
in this together, boys. We said we were in this
together. Like, hey, hey, hey. You promised.
I said get away. I said get me a beer. That sounded
like a promise. Relax. We did the Boston Comedy
Fest, and we were all in the finals, and we were
like, all right, whoever wins, because the pot
was 10 grand, which was enormous at that level.
Yeah. And we were like, whoever wins, we'll split
it up this way, that way. You do a saver. One
guy was off in the shadows. We're like, he's
not going to make it. This guy sucks. He's no
good. That guy's definitely going to win. He
won. Gave the whole thing to Boston Strong. We
all hated him. What's Boston Strong? The marathon.
It was that year. What an asshole. What a piece
of shit. Did he ever make it as a comic? Yeah,
he's hilarious. He's a really funny guy. But
at the time, we're like, this guy's going nowhere.
And then he won. Yeah, anytime I've done a comedy
competition, the guy who's sitting by himself
and quiet, you go, fuck. He's doing the math
over here. He's not here having fun. Yeah, exactly.
We're all hungover and drinking. This little
Indian kid. They used to have this thing called
the Boston Comedy Riot. It was like the biggest
comedy competition. Yeah. The WBCN radio would
host it. It was the Boston Comedy Riot. It was
like in the 1980s. WBCN. The Boston and the Seattle
competitions were the big ones. I never did either
one of them, but it was like weeks long, so you
had to either keep going up there or be there.
Yeah, Seattle was like, that was hell. You're
poor. So you have to be a guy with no life. Yes.
Or a Seattle resident. Yeah, or a Seattle resident.
Willing to hang in there for the long haul, for
the golden prize of being the winner of the Seattle
competition. I think I lost one to Sam. Yeah,
I did a bunch at the beginning. Which Sam? Atlanta,
Muriel. I think he ended up winning. I think
we're both in the final. Oh, the Laughing Skull.
Yeah. He did win that. Did they just kick them
out? Huh? Did the Laughing Skull, did the Vortex
just kick out the Laughing Skull? What happened?
I don't know. I think the Vortex said, like,
you guys got to go. The owner's got to go. Pull
it up. What happened? I don't know. You got to
pee? What is that about? Do you know why? That
was a great little room. That was. It's just
a headline. 85 seats. Great little room. Fun
room. Someone's got to film the special. There's
no space for cameras, but someone still had to.
I think someone filmed something there. I think
I've seen stuff from there. Yeah, Atlanta's a
great comedy town. What happened? There was this
headline I kind of passed by for a second. You
ever do those and then go and you're like, I
actually read that one. Yeah, the headlines.
You're just getting overwhelmed by headlines.
That's the problem. That's true. There's so much.
That's important, but maybe not as important
as the next one. I'm going to scroll down a little
bit. But it all goes into your brain. And you
know the headlines are all lies. They're all
lies. Made by some other, not the writer. So
you're like, oh, okay, I guess it's that. Isn't
that weird? Yeah. If you write a really good
article, someone could like fuck it up with like
some misleading shit in the headline. Laughing
Skull Lounge founder will leave the Vortex after
16 years. Sad. Wow. That was a great room. After
two decades, they're splitting up. What does
that mean? There'll be no Laughing Skull or just
the guys out? I think, I don't know. Laughing
Skull Lounge will still be open in the Vortex,
but. Not as we know it today. Uh -oh. The founder
and team will be exploring other comedy avenues
in the city. So they'll do another Laughing Skull
somewhere else. No, no, no. Nobody cares about
the name. Wow, that room. It's the venue. Well,
they know how to do it, though. They'll probably
find one that's like it. Nah, the rooms are important.
I know. It's not a Chipotle. You can't just reproduce
it somewhere. But you might be able to find a
similar size room. I mean, yeah. I mean, Atlanta's
got a lot of... But it's not starting a new room.
They have a giant email list. Why are you so
pessimistic? No, because the actual room, the
old stand versus the new stand, they're different.
The La Jolla Comedy Store versus the regular
Comedy Store. The Comedy Store versus the main
room. Those are different rooms. Elliot Page.
Yeah, Elliot versus Elliot. So it's like you
can't reproduce that. Right, but you can make.
Look, look. Yeah, you ran it well. That part
will be reproduced. The little boy in the mothership.
Those are different. Yeah, but we made that.
That's a new room, and it's a tiny little room
just like that. It's the same kind of thing.
It's like you just know how to do it right. It
can be recreated. And the location is big. Like
what kind of people are in that area already
versus like. Sure, sure. Yep, yep. It's funny
how a room has a feel, like the OR. in the store
has such a weird feel. Yeah. It's a specific.
Smoke is built into the walls. Evil is built
into the walls. It's also like there's something
good about the, I used to think it was bad, but
there's something good about the commotion in
the hallway in the back. The good about it is
it's chaos. Chaos. The show's chaos. You can
hear chaos. That room is a chaos room. Diaz used
to have the most chaos in that room. Like Diaz
would crush in the main room, but there's something
about Diaz when he would go on stage in the fucking
OR like late at night when no one cared. Doesn't
matter it just doesn't matter and then he would
go and crush it. Yeah, he would go crush it.
He would go crush it really People know what
that means When I did it you sick fuck oh he
came back with the bong Just plastic just plastic
made in America Thank God you're leaving the
piss There's no more bottles over here. Yeah,
we're trying to keep them from you. We got buffalo.
We had to triple wash this fucking pitcher because
Norman pissed in it once. Oh, fuck, I forgot
about that. Oh, wow. We've had some really rough
ones. We've had some rippers. To the point where
when it's like Protect Our Parks Day, I'm like...
Oh, yeah. It's like a marathon. But America needs
it. Yeah! The boys need it. They do. They tell
me all the time. I see them out in the streets.
I say, when? When? When's Protect Our Parks coming
back? They say it all the time. All the time.
When I do those Q &As after shows sometimes,
it's the number one question. When's the next
one? When's the next Protect Our Parks? But they
take a year off your life, so you've got to spread
them out a little bit. What's that? The Tough
Mudder. Right. You can't do them every weekend.
That one photo from the one where I had like
25 or 26 beers. Every once in a while I see the
photo and I'm like, oh my God. What a nightmare
that was. But that is what people genuinely need.
They need bros. Yes. Having a good time as bros.
Yes. With no restrictions. Because they're doing
it. They want to. If they can't, they wish they
could. Yeah. They want to. Everybody wants to.
I grew up doing this shit. Every man wants to
have fun. I was really hoping I would stop doing
this at some point. No, never. This was my first
party in the woods in high school. I was just
like, well, I'm going to do this for the rest
of my life. At least now you're monetizing it,
kind of. You made it a living. Yeah. Listen,
this is the best life. This is the best life
for guys. Oh, 100%. We're the luckiest fucking
people that have ever lived. Like, you had Jimmy
Carr on, and he was talking like, he's like,
I'm doing this today, then I'm going to Chappelle's
thing. Then I'm doing Kill Tony. Then I'm doing
The Mothership. Then I'm doing an arena in fucking
Scandinavia. Best life. What a life. The best
life. Jimmy Carr was fucking hilarious. He came
out of the club with this new shit he's working
on. He just had a bunch of notes. Oh, my God.
He was so good. He's a beast. It was so fun to
watch. When you watch a guy who's just fucking
dialed in. Just dialed. I saw him tell a story
about what's his name fucking with him, too.
About me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny
because I remember it. Greg Giraldo. It's so
funny. Yeah, Greg Giraldo told him that Ari had
cancer. And then Greg Giraldo goes and dies,
and Jimmy Carr's living with this, and then he
sees Ari. He's like, you look good. You look
good. He's like, what the fuck is going on? With
half your face shaved? No, no, this was like
10 years ago. He was only on one side. Fucking
crazy type of cancer. I was like, thanks, man.
Appreciate it. And then a year later, I'd be
like, so you all right? I'm like. What the fuck
is going on? But you're just weird looking enough
where you're like, yeah, he does look good. He
also said, like, when he told me that they said
you had cancer, I'm like, what? He goes, yeah,
they said you had cancer, and that's why you're
like that, because you don't care anymore. What?
Yes, Kobe. He had cancer. The guy's dying. This
was 15 years ago. It was so crazy. Let him spike
your drink. He's dying. That's so funny. That's
so funny. That's a nice fucking backup to have.
I wish people thought that. Yeah. Be like, yeah,
he took a shit on stage. You go, oh, he's got
cancer. It's funny that - That's why he's bloody,
right? It's bloody shit. Geraldo said that to
him and never told him any different. He must
have just been passing through the room, saw
him watching any standup, and goes, oh, that
guy's got cancer, and then got in a beer. That's
amazing. Yeah, I just fucked his head. Love a
comic. Like I went to Harvard Law, too. Love
a comic. Like a long burn of a joke, just waiting
one day, years later, this joke. The joke will
pay off. That's amazing. And I won't even be
there. I won't even be there. Genius. Gerald
and I, we shared a parking lot when we were both
on TV together. The very first times we were
both on TV. When I was on news radio and he was
on his own show. He had his own show that was
on the same lot. I'd hang out with him at the
lot all day. He had a show about him being a
lawyer. Yes. Like a sitcom. Because he was a
lawyer, so he could build this off your life.
That's what they always did. It was your job
right before this. Let's make a show. Yeah, we're
doing Garage. Knew him from New York, so we'd
hang out. That's why he got tires. That's why
it works, though, right? That's why it's so funny.
Oh, by the way, when's the new season? June 5th.
Right now. Today. Go check it out on Netflix.
If you're listening to this, it's available right
now. Check it out. On Netflix .com. It'll drop
ship you a fucking CD. You'll watch it. You'll
mail it. Check your mailbox. Check your mailbox
right now. It's going to be a DVD with tires.
Hopefully it didn't send you first season. It's
going to skip a little. And while you're there,
you can watch R .A. Shafir's special. We all
got shit on there. That's right. But yeah, tires.
Yeah. You've managed to rain in trash Kyla in
a way. It's unrainable. Well, everybody in the
show plays literally themselves. So Kyla was
pretty easy. What was the line? Hold on. I mean,
she was my employee for a long time. Ron White's
in this season, right? Ron White is, yeah. Oh,
fun. What was the line you had before? It was
how to talk trash. It was like, I spilled a coffee
colada on my scratcher. I was like, what? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Jeez. Yeah, Ron fucking kills it.
Oh, he brought his own outfit in? You're not
going to believe it. Ron plays himself. Paul
Lebowski there. That's all you'd want him to
play. Yeah, why fuck around? He plays a washed
up NASCAR driver. He's there for like a sign,
like a meet and greet that no one shows up to.
That's great. That's pretty great. Yeah, we had
Woody Harrelson at the club last night. Oh, was
he there last night? He's there a lot, man. He's
been there a lot. I've missed him every fucking
night. He was a sweet man. He's just a cool dude
to hang out with. Yeah, I heard he's the fucking
man. Doesn't have a phone, though. Doesn't do
email. So if you want to get a hold of him, you've
got to go through his wife. You've got to run
into him. Like, he's smart. He's protecting himself
from bullshit. The bullshit in the world. He's
like, I don't want to be a part of this. Yeah.
I don't want to have a phone. I got no social
media. I got no nothing. I'm just a human like
I always was. I was a human before this. I'm
staying a human. It's really nice when you don't
have a phone. He's ear to ear. He's the best.
He's walking on. Thin air. Is that it? You don't
want all that fucking input, man. It's not good
for you. Also, nothing ever happens. It's every
day. It's like a fucking India, Pakistan, Russia.
For us. You're not changing. Why am I going to
be aware of this? I guess all of us remember
before it, right? You're the youngest. But still,
it's like, those were good times. Great times.
And so it's like, I get we have better stuff
now, but like... Parts of before were okay. And
not only were they great times. How do you pull
those in? I'm so glad they weren't filmed. Can
you imagine if he had all that shit on film from
taking a dump in your mouth? Yeah, throwing up
in the street and you got to worry about somebody's
filming you. Yes. Just the pure anxiety that
people are living with today. But yeah. People
are living with like pure anxiety. Like on a
level of just anxiety on your phone all day long.
Yeah. Just giving you anxiety and you can't live
with it. Stuff's terrible. Stuff's terrible.
Stuff's terrible. And then you wake up to fucking.
20 texts. Yes. They're like, what's up? From
all these different people, you got to fucking.
You got to micromanage. Oh, yeah. Right. Even
that part. That's stressful. But it's like. And
it's like, I just woke up, so I look at my phone
right away. Yeah. I'm sending the dumbest replies.
Yeah. I don't know. You know how like when you
wake up and you. Yeah. I don't know. I don't
know how to explain what I'm trying to say. No,
I get it. I get it. Yeah. It's 80 people coming
at you to do. It's a fun thing. A show or something
like that. It's all nice. And it's like, it's
too much now. I'm supposed to run into you and
say, yes, I can do that. Yeah. Yeah. I need an
answer now. It's just constant. I got all my
buddies are in town. All the Philly trash is
here. Oh, jeez. Tonight's going to get nuts.
Tonight is going to get nuts, and I was really
hoping to avoid that. Yeah. What is the plan
of the official tonight? We'll do the show. Oh,
I guess we won't tell. No, I mean this tonight.
When this airs tonight, but we'll tell. Well,
at least we'll be safe in that green room. You
know, we'll be safe. We're not going to be safe.
We're going to be at the fucking bar. It's going
to be a nightmare. It's going to be a nightmare.
It's going to be a disaster. We were talking
about it yesterday where it's like, what's the
plan usually? I'm like, okay, so we get way too
fucked up. Then we go shove meat in our mouth.
And then immediately we're like, you're on in
five. I'm like, okay. Run to the store, get up.
Or the mothership. And then get up and be like.
All you got to do is puke in the hallway. It'll
get it all out. You'll be good to go. It's funny
because I call it the store all the time. Oh,
right? I even call it the main room. That means
you did it right. Yeah. I don't even. The main
room and the, yeah. And the OR. Yeah. It's kind
of like. It's either OR or belly. It's kind of
a hybrid between the OR and the belly. Because
the main room is also the, the OR is the main
room. But the OR. In LA. The main room at the
club, at the mothership is like. If the main
room and the OR had a baby. Yeah. And then the
other one is like if the OR in the belly room
had a baby. Yeah, I'm always like, you're going
to the store tonight. Yeah. I mean, you built
it with that in mind. And Adam, he gets there.
I mean, literally named the bar after Mitzi Shore.
Fucking. Gays. He's the best. He's the best.
I love him so much. He might be my favorite homosexual
of all time. He's not gay anymore. Holocaust
denier. He's not gay no more. He cured it. He's
delivered. I like women. I like women and women.
How long after that video did that guy suck a
dick? Did he wait a week? That night. Ten minutes.
That fucking day. Why are you gay? First dick
he saw. He's like, I'm not gay no more. Good.
This ain't even a dick. Oh, it's not? No, no,
no. I love you say so. The devil's tricking you
into believing my delicious penis is a dick.
But for a moment, he believed it. The way we're
all like, I'm not going to do this one evil thing
anymore. I'm not. Imagine if the whole world
didn't want you. That's the most brutal thing
about homophobia. You want some of those? Fuck.
Fine, I'll do a little. That's the most brutal
thing. How many times have you quit drinking
for a week or quit weed for a week and then not
made it that night? All right, so last week.
Last week. Last week, I was like, all right,
I got to take a week off. Fucking giant storm
comes through Texas. My power is out for three
days. Wow. Day three, I'm sitting in a hot house
going. The only place I can go right now is a
bar. Actually, I went right. Yeah, they gave
me this shirt. They gave me this on Thursday.
There you go. I got hammered. Where's Kelly's?
Where is that? I have no idea. Kelly's Irish
Pub. Is that here? It's in Austin? Yeah, shit
rules. Oh, no shit. I've heard of that place.
The place was actually really great. That's nice.
The owners, they're all Irish. Irish people have
exported the bar, the proper bar, the best way.
The Irish bar is the same in every country in
the world. Yeah, and it's the best. They figured
out the best place. Yeah, is there an Irish pub
in town? People always ask that. And it is the
same. Well, they're not blaring techno and all
this shit. Yeah, it's dark and you drink. Yes,
like you should. A couple old Guinness signs.
It's like Ireland. Do they play music at the
Irish pub? I think they actually have Irish music,
like a live band. Oh. I think it's actually pretty
sick. The owner was the fucking man. He gave
me a bunch of... Yeah, whatever. That's one of
the good things about - No, not drugs, not drugs.
He gave me some fucking IRA stuff. I don't know
if he gets in trouble for that. Somebody gave
me some Nazi money. I have a wall for my You
Be Trippin' podcast. I put money up there from
different countries. Somebody's like, you want
some Nazi money? I'm like, yeah, why? For sure.
I was thinking about buying a fucking Adolf Hitler
autograph. You might as well. And I don't know
what's - Get it from Kanye. He'll sell you one.
Yeah, but you can buy. You can buy them. They're
really expensive, but you can buy an - an Adolf
Hitler autograph. Yeah. I mean, it's got to be
worth a ton of money. Yeah, I know. And then
I figured maybe when I'm, if I have grandkids
or something, I go, this is going to be worth
a billion dollars. The most evil man. Maybe someday
it'll be like Genghis Khan's autograph. Exactly.
Of course. It won't be forbidden anymore. Of
course. After like a thousand years. You're not
revering him. You're just like, he was notable.
He's the most famous guy ever. There's somebody
who's like, I was reading Mein Kampf just to
read it, but she was reading it on the bus, so
she had to go. So people didn't think she was
a great boss. Yeah, but you can get in trouble
just having that. You got to get a book cover
on that thing. Few outstanding, very original
document letters signed, autographed by Adolf
Eichmann. $7 ,800. $7 ,700. That's not bad for
a fuck. Adolf Eichmann. Not just on a piece of
paper. This is like. It's a Nazi military officer
charged by Hitler. It's not Adolf Hitler. No,
Eichmann was. That's right. It's not Adolf. Oh,
here we are. Here we are. This is where this
show goes. It always goes here. How much is that
Holocaust? I can't believe you can just buy Nazi
stuff. You can. Oh, yeah. It's in thrift stores,
too. It's not. I've seen them. Oh, look at that.
Look at that arm sleeve. Officer's sleeve eagle.
Hell, yeah. From a guy's fucking uniform. Damn.
See what I mean? That guy killed your grandpa.
180 bucks. You see how he's done going? Oh, no.
I could spend fucking 500 bucks. It's history.
That's only 480 bucks? That's crazy. I have a
new. version of that. The Chinese made new money
to give it up for the workers during COVID. And
it's all these scientists on their bills. They
made a whole new bill. Interesting. These are
the people that caused the pandemic. Every time
I've brought this up, people get upset. He's
a polarizing figure. Of course he's polarizing.
I know, but I'm not like Hitler's the man. Yeah,
you're really gassing him. Because someone just
edited that part. Hitler's the man. No, but it's
like, he's the worst. Of course. Edit this part.
He's the biggest faggot that's ever lived. Sure.
Actually, Mao is worse. Wait, wait, that's so
funny. I mean, it's a whatever bit, but like
calling Hitler a faggot will get you in trouble
for the wrong reason. That's true. But he's like
top five all the time. Top five. Yeah. biggest
fucking turds on earth. He's the Michael Jordan
of faggots. Cranked out of his mind the entire
time. Yeah. Like a poster boy for don't do drugs.
It was actually Eichmann was drove it more because
Hitler was like whatever you need to go Eichmann
was the one that's where I think I remember is
him going let's find we need an other he was
a smarter one about it because we need some other
and he goes let's do the Jews they stay to themselves
but he was like well anyone will do. Really?
He was the he was the like the writer of all
of it and Adolph was like, that'll help us get
nationalism going. He was like the Dick Cheney
to George W. Yeah. The guy behind the scenes.
Just let me speak. Tell me who. We found out
Dick Cheney's still alive the other day. Yeah.
Isn't that interesting? I thought he was, it's
like a Berenstain Bears, Mandela effect thing.
I thought he was dead. No, he endorsed Kamala
Harris and they bragged about it. Oh, that's
right. Oh, that's right. Dave Smith pointed it
out. Yeah, yeah. Somewhere with visual war crimes.
George Washington. It might be real, it says.
Bro, 240 grand. You got this, Shane. What is
that? His flask? George Washington's powder flask.
Powder. Yeah. Call it Pawn Stars. Jen. Washington.
That might be real. See what I mean? You could
have that at your house. That's pretty dope.
But that's the founding father. Same, same, but
different. We should be drinking beers out of
this. Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody
and they won't Google it. He had fucking slaves.
He did. The Napoleon hat. Was that you who sent
me that, Jamie? I don't think so, no. Napoleon's
hat is up for auction. Yo. Hell yeah. How do
you know if it's really his hat, though? Do you
know how many hats I have? I have a thousand
baseball hats. I literally have a thousand baseball
hats. If somebody sold my hats, you could sell
my hats forever. Yeah, but you wouldn't know.
You wouldn't know if his hands were just created
like that. I wouldn't even know if you sold one
of my hats. I remember an old, old pod we were
doing at your place, at your house. That's how
old it was. And it was like, we're talking about
art from like the whatever era. And you're like,
well, this one's hella old. We're like, how do
you know? And it was like, oh yeah, I guess.
Yeah, you have no idea. I don't really know.
Just painting. Somebody told me it's old. Right.
Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of lies out there.
A lot of fake paints. A lot of dudes. I mean,
it looks good. That's badass. I think it's pretty
expensive. How much is that, bitch? A million
bucks? One auction went for, what, 2 million?
2 .1, I think it said. How much is Judge's 63rd?
Jesus Christ, who wants that? Imagine you got
so much money, you spent 2 million on a hat.
You don't want to jack off wearing a Napoleon
hat? I do want to. I do now. I didn't until you
brought it out. You got to wear that while doing
doggy. I want to do it in front of a full -length
mirror, flexing. Yeah. Did we talk about what
Hitler did to Napoleon? Did we talk about this
already? When Napoleon's tomb, everyone had to
bow their head to get in. And Hitler built a
series of mirrors so he wouldn't have to bow
so he could look at it without bowing down. That's
wild. It was before I go in. Yeah. Change all
the mirrors so he could just go, you didn't get
me, Napoleon. But he loved them. Yeah. Interesting.
Yeah. Interesting. Every once in a while you
hear a Hitler story where you go, God. Damn,
that was pretty sick. Shit on my chest to get
hard. I love it. I feel that way about a lot
of them. Gals with shit on their chest. I don't
know. They told us, and I could see them. That's
big propaganda for Jim Hughes. That sounds very
meth -y. He was pretty stupid. That's very meth
-y. Shit on my chest. It might have been accidental
shit on meth. He did some meth, man. As soon
as you hear about a guy doing meth, you're like,
oh. Everything goes from that. Yeah, meth. The
book I read about him, by the end he was just
sitting by his fire and you just had to listen
to him tell stories. And he would be on meth
and he'd be screaming. And what he was screaming
about was like I'm the greatest architect that's
ever lived I shouldn't even be doing this war.
Oh my god. I didn't even want to do it, but fucking
Churchill made greatest architect Everybody thinks
he thought he was a great artist. He thought
he was the greatest architect. Oh my god. This
is Elvis with karate That's right. Elvis karate
shirt. Oh, my God. Shout out to Roots of Fight.
Yeah, Elvis would get pilled up, and they'd pretend
that he was good at karate. And dudes were just
like, I can't believe you're doing this to me.
They would try to move him, and he'd put his
neck out there and stop them from moving. That's
kind of nice. That's kind of nice. His liver
was redlining all day long. Just be like, I'm
the best fighter ever. We went to Graceland.
That's right. We were there at the same time.
We did a Graceland tour. The racquetball court
where he died. He had multiple TVs, so he could
watch every channel in existence all at once.
We had four TVs. Come on, man. That was big back
then. Four TVs was crazy. I thought it was on
a toilet. Outside his racquetball court. He was
playing racquetball. He said, I fell, so I'm
going to take a shit. He had a separate house
for racquetball. He's like one of those kids
that got the vaccine. You just immediately have
a heart attack. He's Heather McDonald. Yeah,
he couldn't sleep, so he started playing racquetball,
and he called a guy like at 3 o 'clock. I'm like
gotta come play with me down here. Come on And
he was like I gotta take a dump and there it
was the first super famous guy You think what
about Hitler? Yeah, I'm different kind of love
star Well start in the 60s 50s starting the yeah
starting the 50s went into the 70s. Yeah, there's
nobody he died In like 1976, I want to say, 78
maybe. He was already past the huge then. He
was still huge though. But he got big. He got
real fat and crazy and was just drugged out of
his mind. You ever see the video of him singing
from Vegas? Yeah, Unchained Melody is incredible.
Still amazing. Bloated, dying. Still his injury.
I got something good. He got his sweaty his entrance
in some place where it's like He just like walks
with just he just just walks here the mics there
walks this is like this, you know He's just going
back and forth. Oh And then immediately goes
and starts. Yeah. Oh my god fucking injury. What
a fucking injury my whole life I hated Elvis.
I thought he sucked and then I watched him What's
the hate? Young Elvis is so in. I don't know.
I guess whoever liked Elvis I thought was popular.
Right, right. It's too obvious. I watched it.
It's too obvious, but it's really good. It's
like ACDC. Like, ooh, ACDC. Bitch, listen to
Long Way to the Top. Listen to that fucking song.
It's a long way. If you don't like that song,
you don't like America. You don't like freedom.
You don't like hard work. Shut the fuck up. It's
just too easy. Elvis was too easy. Fat Unchained
Melodies. Bro, he was so good. He was so good.
Look at him. Look how big he was. Come on, man.
Damn. Panette. And he wasn't that old. Yeah,
what is he there, 40? He has no ass. He looks
better than me. Look at this. Well, compared
to how hot he was. He was like a hot guy. Oh,
he was so hot when he was young. He was like
the first black, white guy. Is that the general?
Yeah. You know, he was like the first wigger.
Is that the general right there? Show me the
right keys. No. No. It's a different guy. It's
a different handler. No, I think that's one of
his musicians. So I heard Dolly talking about
him. Oh, he's cranked out of his fucking mind,
Dolly. Dolly Lama? Oh, this is nice. I just recorded
it, and I don't know. I don't know. Is it out?
About two weeks. Two weeks to be out? He's not
making no difference. The wine house is late.
Wow. You're thinking, how's this guy going to
do this? You're thinking, he's out of his mind.
He's in another dimension right now. You can
hear how quiet the room is. They're going, God
damn. This is like O 'Connor before he goes on
drugs. He'll be fine. He'll figure it out. That's
funny. I'll tell you in a second. I was nervous
about that. Cranked out of his mind. Listen to
how good this is. Wow. Wow. I can't get a mic
stand? Good point. Wow. God damn. That's so good.
Oh, it's so good. It was... Man, do you imagine
him shitting? McKeever, before my special...
God damn, that's good. He made that exact joke
about O 'Connor. He was like, the only way you
can fuck this special up is if you black out
before the show. And then even then, it'd be
like Fat Elvis on Jane Mountain. He'd go in the
green room, I'm like... Get on stage, just crush
it. My love. Goddamn. Goddamn, that was good.
I mean, if you heard that guy talking before,
if you were in the audience, like, oh, no, we
came to the wrong night. You see they're going,
is this song out yet? They go, two weeks, King.
It's just pure talent that'll overcome the obstacles.
Look how sweaty he is, dude. So chubby. Give
me some more of this, Jamie. He's launching this
song right now? Yeah. He's showing it to them.
He's like, I know you're about to hear it all
the time. They haven't even heard it yet. Whoa.
Damn! Graves Brody is dressed. You guys are allegedly
on mushrooms. That must have been fucking nice.
Oh, my God. It's so good. That is one fat talent.
That's what we live for. We live for those. Like,
if you could belt out one of them moments in
your life, you did it. Yeah. One of those moments.
I mean, this guy had a ton of them. But one of
those moments. And nobody had ever gotten that
famous before. Nobody had ever. Like, nobody
gets that famous ever and doesn't go crazy. But
nobody had ever gotten that famous before Elvis.
He was the first. Yeah. It's also, you go to
his house, it's not that big. Oh, right. Like,
your house is probably the same size as Elvis'.
No, it's pretty much. His house is bigger. Come
on, man. Who? Oh, really? I live in a big -ass
house, man. Oh, okay. That's what I'm saying.
Come over and watch me do a little jiu -jitsu.
First of all, which house? I was just going to
say, you see, like, a little bow -wow. I know.
He's got a suburban house. It's just a house
in the burbs. That's all. You don't need a big
house. If I was by myself, I'd have a regular
house. Yeah, you would. You don't need. It's
all nonsense. It's just where you live. That's
the first thing I figured out when I came to
Hollywood. I was 27 years old. That was the first
time I ever had a nice apartment in my life.
I had a loft. I had a fucking pool table. I was
like, this is sick. And then I'm like, oh, this
is just where I live. I felt like, oh, that's
another trick you got to be aware of. Like this
idea of always getting a bigger, better. You
never appreciate it. It's always just where you
live. This is all you need. A place that's safe
that has a TV. You have a kitchen. You have a
TV. No playground next to you to wake you up.
Yeah, you don't want anything crazy loud. You
don't want to be near a train station. I'm thinking
about buying a house, and I'm like, I'm literally
just going to hang out in two rooms. Yeah. I'm
going to walk from my bed to the fucking couch.
The only time it changes is if you have a family.
You have a family, then you want a yard, then
you want a pool, then you want a lot of things.
You want a lot of things. Or if you want a dog.
Yeah, you want to have a room to be like, I don't
know where to put this. I'll just shove it in.
I always had dogs. My garage is fucked. I've
always had dogs, so I always have a big yard.
I'm like, that's. That's the thing. Can't have
a dog. That's the only reason why I never bought
Crest Hill. The house above the store? The Mitzi
house? You thought about buying it? Yes, I went
to look at it. Because it was like, Sam Kinison
used to live there. I'm like, this would be crazy
to own this fucking house. But I had a crazy
dog, and that yard was too little. I was like,
he'll find a way out. Sam Kinison pissed on Marc
Maron's bed up there. Nice. Whoa. Nice. What
the fuck? Imagine if that was on YouTube. I have
100 million views. All over his bed, just standing
up. Wow, that's a credit. That's marking his
territory. That's what your cat does. That's
why you got to give him spade. Easy. Spade new
to your pets. I'm Bob Barker. Wow, what a weird...
thing he had. That was his big call. That was
his big thing. That was his big thing. That was
his big thing. Turn your dogs trans. Everyone,
turn your dogs trans. It's important to have
a trans dog. How about just don't let your dog
fuck random dogs? Especially when your name's
Bob Barker. Oh, shit. I never put that together.
What a fucking freak. What a freak. What a freak.
What was his real name? Ken Stevens. That's not
a good joke. That's a good joke. That's a solid
joke. That's a solid joke. Come on, that made
me laugh. In this room, that's a solid joke.
Right now, it's good. Three people laughing,
that's a solid audience of three. Jamie, were
you laughing at that? No. where he sits down
just with the fucking the chair and there's like
breaking down things that are going on in the
world oh no i don't know you ever seen that video
it went it went Fucking viral. You've seen it,
right? Yeah, I'm friends with him. Great video.
He's doing his premiere for Million Dollar Extreme
2 in Austin on Sunday. What does that mean? They
had a sketch show called Million Dollar Extreme.
It was funny. And it got canceled off Adult Swim.
Oh, that's right. And now they've made it again.
He's a little too wild. He's a wild fucking boy.
He's a little wild. But you ever see Moms or
Mothers? What is it? That's a brilliant one.
What is it? He writes a script, realizes he can
get some local, I'll try to be an actress, to
read the lines. So they're like, oh, well, let's
write crazy lines. And they're reading these
lines not knowing what it is. And he goes, it's
something like, yes. I am the curly haired one.
I think we should try to fuck the curly haired
one. It's crazy. And they're just like trying
not to laugh so hard. Him and Nick Rochefort's
one of the funniest dudes I've ever met. Those
guys are pretty great. They're locking a bunch
of homeless people in a fucking room and just
let's watch them. I don't agree with all this.
I think this one's wild. Like bum fights you
mean? No. You're talking fish tank. Bum live.
It's just like, it's real world. You're saying
fish tank. Yeah, it's real world. You get the
craziest people put together. Real world's okay
because they're only mildly mentally ill. But
they always got a racist and a black on real
world. I'm like, let's put them in. Producers,
they know how to make drama. That's what he's
doing. Yeah. Fish tank. I mean, if you're going
to make a show, you can't just have a bunch of
people hanging out and having a good time. You
need a bunch of cat fights. Even the Kardashians
went after each other. Remember that? Swinging
at each other, slapping at each other. They're
in the hallway. One of them threw a leg kick.
Joe was watching, commentating. I was watching.
People know how to throw leg kicks now. That's
a new thing with street fights. People throw
leg kicks. I saw it after... Who was with me?
It was Patriots versus Broncos. So there's some
fucking drunk Boston fans who were leaving, and
some old man talks some shit to them. He goes,
all right, better luck next time. He's like,
shut your mouth. He goes. Easy, bro. And then
just leg kick to the face, knocked him out. Leg
kick? Not to the face. Oh, to the leg. A leg
kick. Using the leg and kicking someone in the
face is just a regular kick. It's not an arm
punch. He hit him with a head kick? He opened
up with a head kick? He just spun and kicked
him. It was like this guy was just a nice Denver
resident. Oh, Jesus Christ. Didn't know what
he was getting into. You never know who knows
that jujitsu shit now. He hit him with a wheel
kick? He spun around? He spun around. Spinning
fucking back heel. Spinning heel kick in front
of his wife? Yeah. Oh, God. He was like 60. Oh,
no. Yeah, you can't do that. 60? Yeah, it was
pretty brutal. That's how people die, and then
you go to jail for the rest of your life for
looking cool. I think it was me and Simone. I'll
show people. Use my karate skills. Yeah. So dangerous.
Yeah, I mean, karate guys and MMA guys should
not be allowed to drink. Yeah, true. They're
usually pretty cool. Imagine getting drunk with
Sean. Well, he doesn't do anything. He's sober.
Sean Strickland. If I could do a cool kick, you're
doing it. I'm fucking kicking everybody. The
second I start drinking, I go, what did you fucking
say, Jamie, about Ohio State, you motherfucker?
Oh, Jamie, can you bring up Michigan walking
into Ohio State Stadium? Nice change of subject.
The thing is, though, I don't think you would
do it if you could do it. True, yeah. I guess
it humbles you a little. Yeah, you don't care.
I could do it. I don't want to do it to anybody.
That's what I noticed about going to UFCs, the
backstage stuff, is they're so quiet and just
very chill, meek people. Very nice. I don't know.
I've hung out with Nate a lot. He's a different
animal. But that's also why he's such a superstar.
Everybody loves him because he's the same guy.
It's also why he's great fighting. Absolutely.
Genuinely doesn't give a fuck. Leon Edwards is
my favorite fight I've ever seen. Yeah, when
he cracked him with the left hand and then pointed
at him. It's my favorite moment. Oh, I got you.
For four straight rounds, Leon's doing moves.
Like, trying shit. Yeah. Spinning elbow to the
forehead and then he just goes. Oh, we're done
spinning shit? Yeah, fucking gay ass spin. Fucking
gay bullshit. Come here. I heard he's trying
to come back to the UFC. I hope so. Yeah, I was
reading articles. I don't know if it's substantiated.
Money's there. They're looking for it. Fuck yeah.
That guy? He's a superstar. That guy shows up.
He'll fight anyone. Bro, I always said that he
was the most underappreciated superstar during
the Conor McGregor times. I was like, you guys
are missing out. You've got Conor McGregor, but
Nate Diaz just beat him and said, I'm not surprised,
motherfucker. Not just like, I can't believe
it. It wasn't Storm the Field guy. I'm not surprised,
motherfucker. That was what got me into the sport.
What about this? I was at that one with Epstein.
Oh, my God. Amazing. It was like, what? Epstein.
This jujitsu guy. He caught a dude in a triangle.
Caught a dude in a triangle and then did a double
flex. While he had him in the triangle, like
fully locked up. Einstein, Einstein. Amazing.
His name is Einstein? Yeah, his name is Einstein.
Nice going, Einstein. What does he do in off
-season? How does he make money? He gets bowling
lessons. Something happened. He had a boxing
match with Jorge Masvidal. He won. And he won,
but they didn't give him the money. What? Yeah.
See if that got resolved. There was a crazy thing.
You know, you have these fly -by -night promotions,
and sometimes they're not funded correctly. Like
any black room? Like, we'll send you the check.
I'm like, give it to me now. Give it to me now.
Whoa. That is the wrong show. I don't know what
you're talking about. Yeah, right. Jerry, delete
all the stuff I said about Hillary. Bro, I had
that with a mob club I used to work for in Connecticut.
Get paid if you're lucky. Yeah, if you're lucky.
I saw you almost fucking beat a guy in Vancouver
Island. Oh, yeah. He's like, I'll send it to
you later. I've never seen him because the checks
were always from him. They're coming. What happened?
He was like, give me my money. He goes, no, we
got to send it. He goes, bro. He went to the
back. Yeah. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Write
the check now. Pay me now. Yeah, that guy was
super sketchy. Talking about his balance. What
are you talking about? These have to clear. Suze
reported $9 million. So they robbed him out of
$9 million. Pre -fight deal in place. Promoter,
blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so he beat him, but he's
owed $9 million. I hope he gets his money. Me
too. Damn. Yeah, also, he's doing it. It's hard
to get money on a person who doesn't have any
money, though. That's impossible. That's the
problem. You get an old Ferrari. Yeah. You could
have his stuff. But Nate does, they do like jujitsu
shit. They'll do like. Seminars. Yeah. Yeah,
he does a lot of seminars. Makes plenty of money
doing seminars. Then Nate's a legit jujitsu black
belt. Purple. They always say purple, right?
As he was doing this, he was like, I'm just a
purple belt. Like, shut up, dude. And his brother
was one of the best of all time. That was always
cool. Him, because any time I've hung out with
Nate, I've never hung out with Nick, but he talks
about Nick with this reverence. There was a time.
I've never seen anything like it. People missed
it because most of it happened in the Strikeforce
days. Nick's? Yeah, Nick's Prime. Nick's Prime,
he was a bad motherfucker, dude. He was a terrifying
guy because he had the most insane cardio that's
ever existed. This guy swam from Alcatraz to
the shore. He swam. Five times. What? I said
twice, and he corrected me online. He said five
times. Since then, he's probably swam a bunch
more. So it's probably like 10 times now. Holy
shit. Swim from Alcatraz in the ocean with the
sharks, the thing that was supposed to keep people
from ever escaping that island. People voluntarily
do it, and he's done it a ton of times. Trained
by a dad. His fucking cardio was off the charts,
and you just couldn't keep his pace. He'd put
a pace on you and hit you with like 50 % punches.
Yeah. 50 % bunches, but constantly have him in
your face. Why is he talking shit? What are you
going to do, bitch? What are you going to do,
bitch? Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And then every
now and then, rip one to the body. Rip one to
the body. Pop, pop, pop. And you're exhausted.
And you can't breathe. Because when someone's
punching you, you can't take a breath. So even
if he's only punching you like this, you're all
tense. He's relaxed. He's a better boxer than
you. He's better at jiu -jitsu. What are you
going to do? Take him down? What are you going
to do? How did he ever lose when he lost? It
got to a point where later in his career, everybody
slows down. But in Strikeforce, he was in his
prime. Frank Shamrock. Nick Diaz versus Frank
Shamrock in Strikeforce. A great example. Whoa.
That's a fight. He beat Shamrock. He beat his
ass. But when he lost in his prime, how did he
lose? Well, he didn't really lose in his prime.
Well, he might have lost a couple of decisions
in his prime in, like, three rounders. I'd have
to, like, go back and look at it. But, like,
he submitted Gomi, which is, like, this huge
thing in Pride with a go -go plata, like, off
of his back while he was high. He tested positive
so... He was tested so positive after the fight
that, like, he had to be fighting high. Damn.
He'd be like, yeah. Fuck yeah. Fight high. Let's
go, bitch. That new Rock movie looks fun. Oh,
yeah? Oh, the smashing machine? I haven't seen
it. He's not gay. But, yeah, the trailer is amazing.
Jamie, bring up Michigan walking on the field
versus Ohio State. Oh, shit. He won't do it.
He has the laptop. He won't do it. We won. We're
living high right now. We don't need to go back
to last year. You beat Michigan? No, we won the
national championship. What's his wee shit? There's
a lot of wee shit. A lot of wee shit going on.
We did it. We fucking did it. Yeah, me and Nate
almost beat Leon. Man, when I slapped him, it
was crazy. We got the belt. The bitch slaps.
That was the other thing. Who'd hit you with
bitch slaps? It's crazy. I never thought about
the, because his punches were like. I didn't
know they were 50 % like that, where it's like
you just can't breathe. Because if he went full,
he'd tire himself out. Exactly. For sure. So
he's putting a pace on you that you can't keep
up with, and he's not hitting you at full blast.
Nick would throw kicks for fun. They were silly
kicks. They were never going to hit you. He would
pretend to throw a wheel kick or throw a high
kick. He wasn't even trying to hit you. He was
just trying to put something in your face. Put
something in your face, and then let you know
that he's so relaxed in there with you, he'll
throw silly kicks at you. Yeah. And just beat
you up. I might go to that New Orleans fight.
I think Poirier's fighting again. Yes, Poirier's
going to fight Max Holloway, right? That's a
hot one. That's the last fight of his career,
right? Uh -oh. That's in New Orleans. Exactly.
Holloway's or Poirier's? Well, Poirier, he wanted
one more and he wanted a legend, so they got
him Max Holloway. I think Max Holloway might
be the number one guy for fights in the stands.
Oh, really? Really? He's Hawaiian? Yeah, they
go. They love fucking fighting. And you're always
in the 300. Think of the jeans. Get him a couple
fucking Coronas up there. Here's some Medellins.
Smuggled in little airplane bottles and then
like, what are you talking shit about Holloway?
Are you talking shit about Holloway? Are you
talking shit about Hawaii? No, dude, I've never
been there. Hawaiians are terrifying. The ancestors
of people that had the balls to get out in the
ocean, get out in a fucking homemade, canoe and
make it across the ocean to an island. That's
why I was hoping I had Viking, dude. I don't.
It's just a farmer. Just a farmer. A billion
years of just going, yeah. Farmer's only. What
a crazy dating app that is. Farmers only. I know.
It basically means whites only. Yeah, they should
have just gone. That's all that is. How do you
say it without saying it? Not all black farmers
listen to talking weed. I got good news and bad
news, daddy. Found a farmer. His name's Tyrone.
He grows weed. It's only watermelon. I don't
know what the hell. It's worse than usual. Sorry.
We've been drinking. Isn't it crazy that delicious
food is racist? Chicken, watermelon, they're
both great. I love them both. It doesn't work
with any other race. You make fun of Italians
for pizza, Irish potatoes, no one cares. That
one's super sensitive. Fish. But the thing is,
it's also foods that everybody loves. I know.
They're both delicious. How did that happen?
If you bring up fried chicken and black people,
you're a piece of shit. Doesn't everybody love
fried chicken? Chappelle has a bit about it.
It's the best. He does. It's a great bit. No,
I was talking about fried chicken. It's so good.
You ever go to Gus's in town? Gus' fried chicken?
Oh, it's so good. I try to genuinely actually
avoid fried chicken. It'll kill you. I love it.
I grew up on Popeyes, and it'll weigh you down.
We used to get Roscoe's when I was in L .A.,
Roscoe's chicken and waffles. Oh, my God. It's
perfect. It's so good. With butter and the syrup,
and then you got the hot sauce with the chicken.
Oh. Doggy. Oh. That's good stuff. It's so good.
Diabetes. It's coming, but not today. Today it's
mouth pleasure. Bro, I thought that diabetes
was coming. Yeah, but you're not. You're good.
I got that fucking ways to well. I was like.
I gotta at least be pre -diabetic. Nah, you got
those fucking Irish genes, son. You got the full
ride. Diabetes will do fucking nothing. You know
what it'll do? Eventually he lost. I'm in your
wife's DMs. You know what they'll get us is the
gout. The gout's coming for us. When I heard
the... Gout's for fatties, isn't it? No, no.
Kyle Kinane has the gout. He was a fatty for
a while. No. I think it's a booze and beer. That's
it? It's a booze and thing. Barbecue and beer?
What causes gout? Meat? It's the king's disease.
Yeah. Meat? But what is the real cause? Fucking
red meat? This sounds like nonsense. No, it's
like - Literally all I eat. Uh -oh. I eat 90
% red meat. Wait, wait, wait. Are you sober?
Yeah. Dog for three months. Sober from alcohol.
Yeah. Be clear. And according to the law, everything
else. And nothing else today. Gout, known as
disease of kings, a type of arthritis characterized
by painful swelling and inflammation of the joints.
Often the big toe. Ow. Caused by a buildup of
uric acid in the body, leading to formation of
urate crystals in the joints. Link to lavish
diets and alcohol consumption of wealthy individuals,
including royalty. I guarantee you it's the alcohol.
And not moving. Yeah, it has nothing to do with
me. Tell you what, the first time I saw that
description, I went, ooh. That's the one that's
going to get it right. It's coming to crystallize
my joints. Wait, are you going to church, too,
or is that bullshit? I have been to church. Oh,
fuck. Why? Have you ever been to church before?
I've been. It's actually very nice. They're all
just trying to be better people. It's a good
vibe. Why don't you go to a Catholic church?
I tried that. I did that. I went to St. Pat's
in New York. That's a beautiful place. So nice.
Some guy gave me a rosary. I keep it. If it's
not Catholic, which one is it? It's just a Christian
church. A non -denominational Christian. Yeah,
all this fucking Jewish. Joel Osteen shit? Yeah,
I'm just giving all my money to Osteen. Animal
proteins such as pork, red meat, shellfish, and
oily fish are high in purines, making individuals
susceptible to gas. There you go. Huh. No shellfish.
Additionally, alcohol reduces the metabolism
of uric acid and enhances the disease condition.
Oh. That's fucked, right? I guarantee it's the
alcohol. And we're getting a steak tonight. You
have to drink it all day. The alcohol fucking
lobby probably said, yeah, it's the meat. It's
the meat, bro. It's just like they did with sugar.
You know? The sugar lobby's like, actually. It's
not us. It's saturated fat that's causing all
these heart attacks to happen. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
it's a long COVID. It has nothing to do with
us. It has nothing to do with us. It's long COVID.
You're getting cancer because of COVID. It's
all the COVID gotcha. That was a new strain.
Did you see that? Of what? COVID. Come on. You're
lying. It's a new one coming out of China. It's
always a new strain. You're lying. It's a new
release. It's a mixtape. Yeah. It's the Beastie
Boys lost mixtape to Rick Rubin. COVID hasn't
been good since 2019, dude. They fell off. They
got a new producer. Oh, really? They got a new
producer with better beats. Yeah. This one gets
the kids. This one only gets kids. It's catchy.
It's catchy with the kids. I had to call it the
Fauci. Kids is a big one. They always threw kids
at you to make you like, oh, I guess we have
to fucking take care. And old people. Yeah, I
got to take care of the old people. What about
grandma? What about grandma? I saw someone on
Twitter saying, you literally killed my mother
to people who are out there doing shows. Less
than 20. Oh, less than 20. All right. We're back,
dude. 20 cases of the new variant had reported
in the US. That's how it is. happened in seattle
remember you heard about the guys or portland
where was it the first case in the united states
of what somewhere in the northwest someone had
come over from china they gave the wuhan they
they gave it over there and that's the first
cases and And those people don't got no sunlight.
So they got zero vitamin D. They're susceptible.
I hope that monkey pox joke worked in your storytelling
show. Look at this. Look how they describe this.
Look how they describe this. It was actually
really funny. We were all talking about it afterwards.
It was like, it's so silly. Describe this as
a slightly upgraded version. I forgot about it.
That was really funny. See? Upgraded. A slightly
upgraded version of the variant that's prominent
right now. Oh, God. Subhash Verma. Somebody at
the Mothership .com. That's a person who's bred
to be a scientist. Ron got the COVID recently.
He got the COVID and it whacked him for like
a week. Really? A week? Yeah. He fucking smokes
20 cigars a day. He just hurls cigars. He got
the vax too. He got the jab. Thank God. It would
have been way worse for him. Isn't that a funny
thing? It could have been worse. My sister flipped
her car once when she was in high school and
she was totally fine. Total of the car, the cigarette
lighter was the only thing salvageable. She was
fine. Wasn't wearing a seatbelt. So she was on
the roof of the car. And we're all like, thank
God you weren't wearing a seatbelt or it could
have been worse. That's what they always say.
Well, you ever see guys get flown out of the
car and they live? And the car flips 30 fucking
times and they live because they got thrown in
the wreckage? Oh, never heard of that. Isn't
that a saying, too? Like an urban myth, at least,
that if you're like... You get an accident, you're
like relaxed. I've heard that. Keep your drinkin'.
I've heard that. It's the same thing as people
falling. Oh, there was somebody on This Is Not
Happening, this fucking Irish Chicago guy, I
forget his name, Sullivan something, but he was
listening to Huey Lewis and they just walked
off a building. And the nurse was like, the nurse
was like, the only thing that saved you is...
Did you not know you were falling the entire
time? Because I was just walking. Oh my God.
Damn. Oh my God. All right, all right. Let's
bong a fucking beer. Let's bong. There you go.
It's about fucking time. I'm feeling these envies,
though. And the yawns. The only reason I stopped
the booze is because I wanted to see what it
would be like to have no booze for a long period
of time. And it's a lot better. You feel a lot
better. Don't you get bored, though, at night?
No, I thought I would. That's the thing. I have
fun doing stand -up. I have fun hanging out in
the green room. Yeah. But you're also not, like,
action. Well, when it comes to sobriety. No booze.
Yeah, Diaz did that once at the improv. Shut
up, Jamie. It's still cold, dude. He goes, I
stopped smoking weed and everyone booed. He goes,
oh, I mean, I'm still doing vapes and stuff.
I'd be like, oh, all right. He goes, no, I just
hurt my throat. What flipped you? What was the
final switch? Well, I wanted to try it. You told
me to fall down. Well, I just got tired of fucking
feeling like shit when I would work out the next
day. The hangovers are real later. It's real.
It takes a man out of you. You're just tired
all the time. It beats you down. And if I was
doing three nights in a week at the club. Hold
on, let me bong this beer. Yeah, exactly. Bye,
Bodega Cat. He's got his 29 -year -old metabolism.
So cold. You'll be back. You'll be back. You
think so? Yeah. That's a supportive friend. Yeah.
You didn't have a fucking problem. We're saying
we don't judge you for your current situation.
Thank you. But we would love to have you back.
It's just one of those things where you stop
doing it, and you're like, oh, I feel so much
better. Why was I doing that? It's also like,
at this point, like, so don't drink. See, I have
a different thing. I'll go like four or five
days. Typically, I try to get four or five days
off. By day five, I'm going, let's go. I know.
Oh, I'm getting fucking wrecked. Same. Same thing.
It's not even like. Yeah, you can't just have
all of a beer. And then you regret it. No, no.
You regret it the next day, but you're like.
Well, the next day you go, fucking, I already
threw away those five days. Let's keep going.
Fucking wreck it. Regret it. Until the wheels
fall off. Look, I had a good time drinking. Don't
get me wrong. I like it. Yeah. Oh, it's fun.
It's just, I don't like what it does to your
body. I mean. It's always done that. What did
someone say? Someone had a great statement that
it's like you're paying for tomorrow at a high
interest rate today. I think I was listening
to your podcast. I would gladly pay you tomorrow
for one hamburger today. That guy. The Popeye
guy. The guy was addicted to hamburgers. He had
no money. He never had money. Winnie, Wimpy.
Yeah, Wimpy. Who the fuck is this? Wimpy's Burgers.
Oh, Wimpy's big. He's just a guy addicted to
burgers? Yeah. He was a comic. He died. He died
for burgers? Yeah, five guys killed him. Fucking
assholes. I know. Bro, those old cartoons were
crazy. Oh, don't get me started on the racist
ones. Oh, they're all racist. I will gladly pay
you Tuesday for a hamburger today. That's it.
I just wanted burgers. Did you ever see the stories
of Blow on the set of Popeye? Huh? Blow on the
set of Popeye. Like the movie Popeye? Yeah, because
they were shooting in Malta. They were shooting
in Malta so they could be away from the studios.
And they would send film cams back. And they'd
send the empty film cams back full of cocaine
for the set. Because they wouldn't check through
the film cams. Oh, my God. That's so crazy. When
Popeye came to Malta, the film set was full of
cocaine. They had to be like, we're going to
do something wild. Of course. He's not even in
character. He's coked up. He's got one eye closed.
That's funny. I've made that face. Every single
time I've ever done cocaine, I go. You couldn't
escape it. They were actually shipping film cans
at the time. Film cans would be sent back to
L .A. for daily processing. This was shot in
Malta. And we found out the film cans were actually
being used to ship cocaine back and forth to
this set. Everyone was stoned. I don't know what
they're saying. Stoned. What a lame way to talk
about blown out. Dorks. And what a bunch of dorks.
Dorks. It makes sense. Shelley Duvall, she went
through that and The Shining. How'd that lady
survive? Well, have you seen her now? She died.
Oh, she did? Yeah. She died? Wait, she died and
then Mark, you were saying, what were you saying?
She was ugly before she died? Is that what you
were saying? Son of a bitch. How many memes are
the fucking Jack Nicholson with the axe coming
through the wall? Like inclusivity and then trans
women on dating apps. I think I said this that
way. It was on the thread. There's so many of
those. Like that one scene with Shelley Duvall
in the bathroom when the axe is coming through.
Here's Johnny. That fucking movie was crazy.
Slow build if you rewatch it. Slow build. It's
really nice. It's great. It's a really good movie
to watch. You know what's crazy? Aesthetically
pleasing. Stephen King didn't like it. Kubrick.
King didn't like that version of it. Stephen
King doesn't like anything cool. He likes Salem's
Lot. Tough follow on Twitter. He is mean. He
hates the coolest shit, dude. Yeah, it's fun.
He's zigging everybody. Well, he got hit by a
bus. Did he? He got hit by a guy driving a fucking
truck, not paying attention. And he was walking
on the side of the road, and he got clipped and
broke every bone in his body. Whoa! I'm not laughing
at that. It's just a funny way. Oh, he was hospitalized
for a long time. He got clipped. He got really
broken apart. An older man, you know, not like
as a young guy where he maybe kind of recovered.
How hot is it in here? Not hot at all. It's so
hot. It's Jamie's fault. It's America. Is it
not hot? 72? It's you, bro. 72 is a little hot.
It's you. It's you. 72 is a little crazy. You
all right, Ari? No, he met the devil. 69. He
met the devil. Oh, you had it set at 72, Jamie?
That's unforgivable. What are you, a girl? You're
riding, Jamie. Girls like it warm. They like
it warm? Yes. Oh, yeah. They love it warm. If
it's up to a girl, she'll go 75. Whoa, easy.
Hey, Bert Kreischer's going to sue you. I'm legitimately
hot. Bert Kreischer's going to sue you. I wish
you weren't doing that. That is a bad look. Auschwitz,
2025. He did that for the thing. It was a good
bit. For the survivors? It was not a bit. I'm
legitimately, I was schvitzing in here. I was
schvitzing too, dude. You feel better now? That'll
be a meme. You shirtless doing that? Well, I
am hot. Jamie. I mean, it's obviously the stuff.
Jamie, can you bring up Michigan taking the field
against Ohio State? I think Joe's actually going
to like him, and I think he's going to respect
football when he sees it. Let's go. Joe does
not respect football. Let's go. I do respect
football. That's not true at all. He actually
has recently come around. I started watching
football. I don't approve of the CTE. Yeah, it's
not good. Horrible. Who moves on the CTE? I know.
Listen. I'm a referee. I've got it myself. You're
both fucking off. I've got to touch a CTE myself
for sure. You don't escape it. They tested high
school kids that have CTE. Yeah, I'm a little
worried. Yeah, you should be worried. You've
got to touch. A touch is good. A little touch
makes you a little reckless, a little funny,
a little crazy. I got touched. I got touched.
Jamo, I know what you're gonna do because I know
you're a nasty little fuck. I know what you're
gonna do. Oh, you knew. Gotta make a tackle.
Damn it. He got you there. I knew he was gonna
do it, dude. Does that hurt you? That actually
did hurt. That hurts you? What a catch, though.
Look at that catch. That's fucking beautiful.
Because that was a throw down. How'd you get
over it, you fucking little nasty little fuck?
On an airplane. He was ready. He had that geared
up. It looks like a movie. What I sent Jamie
yesterday. You want to get mad? Let's get mad.
The LA Fire Fund. They had this big show. Big
fundraiser. They raised $100 million. Wait until
you find out where the money went. James Lee
did a thing about it on Instagram. Yeah, and
there's been articles written about it where
people are like, where's the money? The way they
distribute the money is so crazy. You're going
to read this and you're never going to want to
donate to charity again because you find out
what a lot of these non -profits are really about.
The lady running the charity that got the money
makes almost a million dollars a year. BLM, Me
Too, this. Same lady? No, no, no. Everyone's
like, well, let me get a taste. Same fucking
lady. She's killing it. Listen to this. I watched
this, Todd. I looked into it a little bit. We'll
watch it, but. What they say, though, is that
within the first month they distributed half
of that money. Hold on. Before you press play
on that. That guy with the fishing hat is not
a reliable news source. My number one source
of news. And then he's trying to blame the Annenberg
Foundation. That is one of the richest fucking
families in California. They're worth so much
fucking money. I wonder how they got money. I
mean, it doesn't matter. It's like liberal ass.
Jamie, I'm just playing the video. How about
play the video and let everybody figure it out
for themselves? Let's platform this guy. Yeah.
Play liberal. Jesus. might be one of the biggest
scams in disaster fundraising history. And as
usual, I'm bringing the receipts. First off,
according to reports, the fire aid benefit concerts
raised over $100 million, supposedly for LA fire
victims. But since then, residents have been
asking, where did all the money go? 100 million
dollars raised for uh residents community things
and funds that are supposed to help with policies
and there's no strong account let's figure this
out according to the fire aid website it says
that all direct donations will be distributed
under the advisement of the annenberg foundation
According to the IRS 990 form, the Annenberg
Foundation is a 501c3 based in Konchakon, Pennsylvania.
I live there. Konchi, baby. One massive red flag
right away is that only 33 % of their annual
expenses goes towards actual charity programs.
The rest goes to administrative costs like executive
compensation. If you look at the numbers, they
treat you pretty good over there, starting with
top dog Cynthia Kennard, who's making three quarters
of a million dollars, plus another six figures
in bonuses. She started the fire. Basically,
almost seven figures just for one person there.
Here is Cynthia, a .k .a. Cinny, hanging out
with Gavin Newsom, discussing or strategizing
about things like how to solve them. I would.
Both of them, six figures. Anyway, just to give
you a point of comparison with another nonprofit,
Doctors Without Borders, they spend almost 90
% of their money on actual programs versus less
than 1 % on administrative costs. Local journalists
have also been asking, where's the money? They
found, quote, the FireAid website names only
three Palisades organizations that receive grants,
among almost 120 organizations listed as receiving
grants. A couple of true ones. No, no, no. You
see who got the money? A couple of true ones.
Hold on. Let me read it. Why'd you stop? Because
he's focused on the Palisades. Just play it.
Just play it. We'll talk later. Let's Israel.
Listen, scorpions sting. Well, it's customer
service. No last name. He was never found. This
is just crazy. So essentially what they're doing
is taking the $100 million, then paying themselves
roughly 70 % of it. Wow. And with the rest of
the money, they're dishing out to various other
nonprofits with their own administrative expenses.
And that's how $100 million just ends up disappearing.
Oy yi yi. Wow. Okay. I'll believe it. Maybe he's
telling the truth. Maybe he's exaggerating. But
at the very least, This is what the NFL does.
The NFL does the cancer research. 70 % goes to
administration. 30 % goes to the actual cause.
These nonprofits. That's crazy. Yeah. They're
for their own profit. Well, it's just a loophole.
It's a loophole. They found a loophole to make
a great living by being virtuous. And then they
see a fire. They're like, sick, we're all getting
raises. But all we're saying, Jamie, is that
this guy is saying that 70 % traditionally goes
to administrative costs. 30 % goes to the actual
cause. Right. That's for all charities. Right.
That is for all charities. For a lot of charities,
but not Doctors Without Borders, which is one
of the things that he brought up. He just picked
one, though. He's comparing you with this stuff.
He's like, I'll pick a charity. He picked probably
one of the worst ones. We've gone over the charity
stuff many times. There's good and bad charities.
There's good and bad charities. But the point
is that this $100 million you're saying was distributed
to a bunch of different places, not just Pacific
Palisades. Looking into it, $100 million was
a number that got used in advertising to make
everything look big and look good. Probably,
my part I was trying to say too, assuming that
it is $100 million, there's a bunch of companies
and a bunch of artists that said, I'm going to
pledge a million, I'm going to pledge a million.
And you have to go collect it all. You don't
know if they'll send it in. You know how many
times I've pledged stuff? I pledged a million
dollars to Notre Dame's NIL. I haven't done one
single thing. Did you do it by yourself? In your
apartment? No, I was at the fucking championship
game watching Ohio State win, and I was going,
Notre Dame needs a de -tackle. I'm going to give
them a million bucks. For real? Yeah. And then
they were like, hey, you want to give us that
million bucks? I was like, no. I pledged. Is
that legally binding? It was a pledge. J -Mo.
Well, isn't that the weirdest thing about colleges?
Like how much money colleges get in donations
from people that are like really wealthy that
used to go there? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't even go
there. You didn't go there. But that's a big
thing with colleges, right? I just wanted to
win before my dad does. That's why these college
kids are getting money now. It's kind of crazy.
I talked to one at Barstool in Chicago. He played
at Indiana Center. And it's like, how much? Per
year, he goes, 300 grand to transfer to Indiana.
Oh, that's for a year. Notre Dame's Pat Coogan.
What? He transferred to Indiana. He was from
Notre Dame. And it's just like, that's a good
living. I don't have to go into this for my life.
I'm going to take my degree and actually start
a life. They should have been doing that for
those kids forever. 100%. They're making money
off of them forever. They're sold out stadiums.
The only negative is you can't have a player
for four straight years. Yeah, there just needs
to be regulation on it. Because now they're letting
them pay players, so now it's just the fucking
Wild West. They need to do that shit for the
Olympics. They've got to make a four -year pledge.
Even then, the big schools are all going to get
all the best players. The Olympics, they don't
get nothing. The Olympics, they get nothing.
They get zero. Everybody else gets rich. You're
beat up by a man. That can happen. enrolled in
that woman's boxing. Some broad getting teed
off. You said that they were all the way to Paris
and now that new info came out. What's that?
I thought you were like, no, that's actually
not a trans. That's a different. They were thinking,
there was a lot of people that were saying that
it wasn't really a man and that it was just some
woman with an issue. Right. Like some sort of
medical issue. The medical issue is testicles.
And an XY chromosome. That is a medical issue.
XY chromosome and testicles. Apparently, internal
testes that don't drop. It's like a condition
that some males have. Yeah, so micropenis, internal
testicles. Micropenis, whatever. Whatever, bro.
Call it micropenis. It's normal. It's fine, dude.
It happens a lot, guys. It's fine. Come up with
the pills, you scientists. Fix it. Dang, fixing
shit. Except in China. They're crispering the
shit out of those dicks. Make it a big, juicy
dick. It's a good math guy with a big dick, dude.
That's an issue. Man. Issue. Long dividing and
then fucking banging your lady. Who the fuck
was that guy? Oh, yeah. With CCP hat on. Show
your work. Man, I got to look into this CRISPR.
I never heard of it. I got to do it. Is it too
late for us? I think it's too late. For now,
but in the future. For us, yeah, we're fucked.
But not in the future. In the future, they're
going to be able to gene edit people that are
alive. Right now, they're doing it to fetuses.
We got to go back in time and then shoot my dad
up with the stuff to get me the real shit. Viking
genes. Yeah. Come back. Fuck, I wish I had. We
do it to protect our parks. Four months from
now, Ari's 150 pounds heavier. Hi, guys. He's
just gigantic. A giant hog. He pulled the balls
out last night. They don't look like they have
great balls. Huge balls. A bighorn sheep. You
ever see a bighorn sheep's balls? No. They're
ridiculous. The first time I saw a bighorn sheep,
my friend Steve Rinell was like, look at his
balls. You need to look at their balls. It's
extraordinary. They're like church bells. Giant
fucking balls. It's like master balls. Oh my
god! Oh, elephantitis. Giant sacks. Wow. They
all have giant balls. Wow. Can't be running with
that. Looks like a big puss. Look at him up there
with his jaw. Oh, no. That one's got a problem.
That's an AI. Of course, the black one. You can't
tell what's AI anymore, man. You really cannot.
It's over. There's no way to tell. You've got
to go straight to the comments, and hopefully
people pointed it out. I got tricked by one.
By a sheep? I was embarrassed. What happened?
You fucked it? And he's like, I'm a guy. Some
fucking hot -ass sheep came to the bar. Oh, yeah.
No, there was a it was a video of Trump giving
a speech, but they a I'd oh, yeah And I was like
no fucking way. What do you say damn it? It was
not it was actually really funny It was like
something about gay people. Oh, no, no, it was
like really funny and it seemed like something
he might say. Yeah It was close, but it took
me like three minutes to be like... Three minutes
is long. He wouldn't say that. He'd finish coming.
But it's over now. There is no truth. There's
no video. Let me hear this. I saw this yesterday.
Well, I'm going to be embarrassed, but yeah,
I tricked you too. Good. Taking careful note
of the work of Colossa Labs, the biotech company.
They're the absolute worst group of people we've
got in our country, and it's not even close.
I think we'd all be better off with them gone,
but as I was saying, my... Administration and
I have been taking careful note of the work of
Colossal Labs, the biotech company that resurrected
the dire wolf. If they can bring back wolves,
they can bring back dinosaurs. Terrible lizard.
That's what dinosaur means if you break it down.
But picture this, folks. Velociraptor mounted
border patrol agents. They'll rip your head clear
off. Pterodactyls patrolling the skies. Velociraptors
on the ground. To prevent the immigration apocalypse,
we may have to counter with a dino -pocalypse,
folks. It's true. I mean, it looks real. But,
I mean, you watch something like that. While
you're watching it, you go. He might have said
that. Also, Trump's so wild, you just never know.
You never know. Didn't he fucking post something
the other day that Biden was assassinated and
they used a clone? Whoa. God, I hope he didn't.
Didn't that, like, truth social? Truth social?
Didn't he? Post something like that? Damn. Some
wild thing that somebody posted? Biden, this
isn't even Biden. Because he had a bunch of plastic
surgery. You know, his face pulled back like
a lizard. Do you know what they're actually doing
at the Forest Department? Every email they sent
that mentions biodiversity gets bounced back.
What does that mean? They are so against the
word diversity that biodiversity, those emails
are not allowed to be sent from company emails.
Wow. Yeah. Did you see his N -word thing? That
seems like a problem. You got to protect the
parks. Here it goes. Trump shares. Look at this.
You might actually be protecting the parks. That's
crazy. Trump shares unfounded conspiracy theory
claiming Biden was executed in 2020. Holy hell.
Oh, who is he debating then? Who did it? Stairs?
That is so ridiculous. But who is he debating?
He thinks he was. What do you mean? He debated
him in 2020. Oh, he debated a different guy.
He said it's a clone? Yeah, not really Biden
anymore. Yeah, the one he kind of lost, I bet
he was like, fucking clone showed up. It doesn't
seem like that. Well, there was that time that
the tall Biden was at the White House. Oh, yeah.
That was crazy. That was crazy. There was a Biden
that was like six inches taller than Biden. And
they have makeup. They can do things to people.
They can make you look like Biden. Maybe not
you, but like some people would not so long a
face. Yeah, Barron. Was he 6 '8"? Barron would
stand out. He'd be too tall. You have a long
face. You have a long face. Mark Barron. Don't
be depressed. Don't be sour. I know we're pulling
you out. I'll never forget. But you were a great
president. You were like Lincoln. This is way
off topic, and you guys aren't going to think
it's as funny as I do, but one time my family
and I, we were out to dinner at Haas's in Mechanicsburg,
and the waiter came over and goes, I got a joke
for you. We were like, what is it? He's like,
a horse walks into the bar, and the bartender
goes, why the long face? And my family and I
erupted. laughing for like 20 minutes. That's
a classic. No, but it became like, we can't stop
laughing about how good that waiter was. Oh,
yeah. And yeah, it stuck with me my whole life.
And I knew when I started telling that story,
it wasn't going to be good. That's literally
the joke that I said to him. I know, I know.
That's what it reminded me of. Yeah. But just
that whole, like, you know, when you can't stop
laughing. Yeah. Pull up the video that's all
Biden, Jamie. Been there. What is Hosses? It's
a tough one for me. Do you like Hosses? It's
like a lower level... Sizzler? Some reference
I can't remember. Yeah, the wheels are off. The
wheels are off, bro. Chili's? The wheels are
off. I love a Chili's. Cracker Barrel, whatever.
I'll go to a Chili's any day. There's a salad
bar at Hoss's. Oh, hell yeah. Untouched for generations.
No one touches it, but they do have nachos and
melted cheese. There you go. I'm going to go
to the salad bar. That's a central PA salad.
Come back with melted cheese. The salad bar's
got that diced ham. You know those little cubes?
Yes. The Pittsburgh salad? You know what the
Pittsburgh salad is? Is that where you shit on
a guy's chest? It's just fries with some lettuce
on top. Oh, wow. That's fun. Pittsburgh people
are fat. Pittsburgh's fucking rules. That's a
great city. Underrated city. Every fat city is
the best city. They know how to party. I love
them. What's another fat city? Cleveland. Buffalo,
Cleveland. All the Great Lakes. Look at this.
Look at tall Biden. Look at the size of him.
That's crazy. Bro, look at the size of him. He
doesn't look anything like Biden. Shane, we were
there. Look how tall he is. We were right there.
He's towering over his wife. Like, what is that?
Wow, Biden dirty. Like, what is that? Damn. That's
weird. Shannon and I went to the White House.
I think there was times when he had some complications
and they just brought in another guy. Yeah, I
think so. Yeah. I think they've probably done
that before with people. Apparently. Yeah. I
mean, they should, kind of. Who was telling the
story? Was it here that they were telling the
story of Obama was sitting there talking to one
of the people that he worked with? And then they
removed the mask and he realized that the person
who he was talking to was not the person he works
with. And they were showing him how good the
CIA masks are. Oh, it was green room conversation.
Someone was explaining in the green room that
they have the CIA. Sounds like it might have
been Metzger. Looming over you. You don't know?
You don't know? You don't know about that? You
don't know about that? Throw your reference of
a name you've never heard of. Like, so why do
you think he went to Seattle in 2016? I'm like,
who is any of these people? Bro, and they'll
hit you with five more in a row before you recover
from the first one. Oh, the picture you took
of me. I took a picture of Ari getting trapped.
Because I loved Metzger for two decades. And
then she's like, I'm in it. You need a break
after a while. Metzger's the best. He cornered
me at Terry Black's the other day. I was in the
corner. I was sitting next to Metzger. I heard
he was at Terry Black's. And he was like looming
over to me. And everybody else was having their
own conversation. I'm like, hey! Hey! Help me!
Help me! Hey! Help! He was molested with headlines.
The massage. Help! Safe word. Epstein. Oh, yeah.
Bro, he just hits you with like five, six conspiracies
in a row that you don't know about. You don't
know about that? Cleveland? 36? Casper Till?
I don't know. What happened? What happened? Jesus
Christ. You know, downstairs it was just an experiment
gone wrong. What? I think I was a part of that
program. It was the South Africans. Yeah, programs.
All part of programs. That's what happens when
you grow up in a cult, and you think everything's
a cult when you get out. Everything's a cult.
And then he starts working for Jimmy Dore, so
he finds out about real conspiracies. Yeah, Matt's
got his first birthday like four years ago. It's
not an easy life. Those eyeballs. Enough's enough.
When he looms over you with the conspiracies,
it's like he's not even a real person. He's like
a cartoon. Oh, yeah. He's like a guy in a movie.
There's no guy really like that that just traps
you and hits you with 50 conspiracies. It's him.
Kurt Metzger. He'll get you. When I have him
on a podcast, it's hilarious. It's just like
wind him up and then hold on. The first thing
you said. The first thing you said. Let's go
back to that. What are you talking about? What
did they do in the Pacific? Who did it? They
sunk a ship? What happened? Jesus Christ. Pay
that off. Pay that off. Oh, you don't know? You
don't know? No, I don't know. How can you know?
How do you know all these fucking things? Oh,
yeah. That's it. When they put up the Epstein
files, he's the guy who reads the 60 ,000 pages.
Oh, yeah. Instantaneously. While he's jerking
off. He's doing other things on the side. He's
playing chess, jerking off, reading the stuff.
It's so weird, too. He started in Black Rooms.
That's crazy. Him and Big Jay. Yeah. Wow. Black
Rooms will have you. You're like a shitty young
comic. They love having a white guy. There's
dudes that are just joke machines. Metzger's
a joke machine. If you got him in a writer's
room, he's a machine. Miss Pat got me a spot
in Atlanta once. I was down there for something.
She was like, all right, go. The show started
at 8. I got there at 7 .30. Doors are locked.
Until 8 .45. Then I go in. I'm like, hey, Miss
Pat, we got you. The emcee does... Almost an
hour. The MC did an hour? Yeah. And then he goes,
oh, y 'all, Billy from Iowa. Billy from Iowa?
Oh, is that me? What? A pure death. It sounds
like it. Ari Shafir, Billy from Iowa. Close enough
after an hour. Yeah. Eight dicks in front of
my manager at the time. Oh, my God. You invited
your manager to the black room? Oh, yes. Fired
up, dude. This shit makes me laugh. What is it?
Cameron and Mace. What were they talking about?
I posted this on my story. I was a little hungover
laying in bed, and this was killing me how funny
this is. Can you start from the beginning? Diddy
Charles, some guy named The Punisher came in
here yesterday. I was watching the Diddy Charles.
Some guy named The Punisher. Back in the day,
he's murder. Meek Mill talking about how Suge
Knight used to put handlebars on guys. No, that's
horrific. Meek Mill said some crazy shit about
Suge Knight. Suge Knight put handlebars on dudes.
That'd be funny if he put a helmet on too. Why
are they fucking each other? What's going on?
They're homosexuals. Power move. Mark, I'll tell
you what, I never thought of it like that. I
think Ari's got it. Ray J. Oh, it's Ray J. Oh,
huge Don. Okay. Why did I think it was Meek Mill?
Accuses Suge Knight of sexually assaulting men
behind bars. Maybe it wasn't Meek Mill. Maybe
it was Ray J. That's a different video. I've
seen that one. Yeah, no, no, no. It is. It's
Ray J. 25 sticks of butter. Oh, Jesus. Use the
butter as enol. Not margarine. Margarine's bad
for you. That's so crazy. Camera on a mace. They
get together and have fun. They have fun and
they forget that they're on. Mike and times have
changed. They don't give a fuck. They don't.
He might get off. But times didn't really change.
It's just like people have to hide it. And that's
why people like protect our parks. Times are
the same. And times definitely don't change if
you're fucking black dudes from Harlem. Right.
Or rappers, Cameron and Mace. Yeah. Yeah, they're
like. Fucking, they can say whatever they want.
Yeah, they can. They can say whatever they want.
But are we going to get the dirt out of all the
Diddy people? What are you doing with your chin?
What the fuck are you doing with your chin? I
want something concrete. Bro, listen to any story.
Like J -Lo, DiCaprio, are they going to talk?
Kid Cudi said... Bieber? Kid Cudi said... Puff
Daddy. Burned his car. Broke into his house before
Christmas and opened all the gifts for his kids.
No. Really? That's like the Grinch. He called
him when he was in his house. Hey, buddy, I'm
in your house. Just wanted to let you know I'm
in your house right now. He opened all the presents
under the tree. Holy shit. That's insane. That's
the funniest thing I've ever heard. That's hilarious.
Yeah, that's like Ari. Ari might be a fucking
white dude. That's a fucking Ari trick. You hate
Christmas, you heeb. Damn, dude, I can't believe
you guys killed him. Oh, Jesus. Santa, too, you
would if you could. You would. If the Jews got
there, you're going to burn your beak. Jamie,
delete the anti -Semitism. No, keep it. It's
allowed. 55 minutes out of this episode and everyone
in the past. Jamie, I'm not trying to add work.
I swear, brother. Sorry, J -Mo. He's very sensitive
on these shows. He needs to be respected. I guess
so. I respect him. J -Mo, bong a beer, brother.
We'd love to have you. Are you sober, too, like
Gay Rogue? You have been losing weight. You look
good. You look fucking fit. Velvet. Jamie, bong
one beer. bong one yeah he's actually secretly
he's the best guy at bonging beers i know right
he does it quietly and then he comes up here
and does it and he's like yeah it was nothing
luke combs luke combs no shotgun no one can fuck
with yeah he does it so quick it's like it doesn't
make sense yeah how are you doing that is that
a magic trick then he just punches the bottom
of them straight from the can in two seconds
it's gone like how Calm over it. Skills. Calm
over it. You can't help yourself. It's a problem.
There's so many country guys I can't keep up
now. Yeah, it's a big popular country. Brian,
Zach. Really did blow up. Country blew up. God's
country. Well, it used to be a thing that you
would have to hide. People were like, what kind
of music? Anything except country. Anything but
country. Yes! That was the standard. That was
a thing. They wouldn't mention polka. Right.
Have you listened to polka? Yeah. I guess I got
him. Shit rocks. Go out to Western PA. I remember
I was dating this girl in the 90s. I had to turn
her on to Dwight Yoakam. I'm like, you don't
stop all this country shit. It's radio country.
Just listen to A Thousand Miles from Nowhere.
You tell me that's not a good song? You're crazy.
Old country's the best. Old country rules. Oh,
old country's great, but Dwight Yoakam. That's
why a lot of the new guys are good. Exactly.
There's a lot of guys doing old country. Old
country. The Oliver guys. Guitars, Cadillacs,
hillbilly music, that song. Yeah, beer, swigging,
fist fighting. Zach Bryan. I mean, what did Oliver
Anthony do? That was, that, I mean, what is that?
Yeah. Who? Oh, yeah. Soulful. Oh, my God. Oh,
my God. I mean, that is like some shit that's
going to. That's going to stand the test of time,
that song. Oh, yeah. That song's going to be
around a long time. Fucking Beyonce's doing country.
That's how popular it is. Right? Yeah. She's
doing it well. Texas Hold 'em? Yeah. Pulling
my mind here. She's winning awards. She's kind
of turning white. Well, I think what happens
is... Once Jay -Z stopped fucking her, she's
like, let me go full white. She's like, come
on now. She's watching her kids. Oh, Jesus. Oh,
Jesus. I think what happens is the fucking country
just swings one way. They want simpler times.
Terrified of nuclear war. Terrified of fucking,
what's going on? What are we doing with Russia?
You know, it's a big one. The military enrollment
went up. Oh, during Trump? I think it happened
to a white commercial. A who? They put out a
white guy commercial. They're trying to get the
whites. Well, the whites are out there. The army's
back. They're going, hey, come on, whites. Yeah.
It's funny to watch the left try to get the men.
You've got to fight Iran. Well, they also stopped
the whole trans thing in the military. They stopped
all that. What? Let them fight. They're scary.
I love Dave Smith's point on that. He's like,
the left is like. The left is going, no, trans
people should also kill innocent people in Yemen.
You guys are taking the wrong stance on this.
Is that Dave Smith? Yeah. It should be don't
kill random people at a wedding party. Yeah.
Bro, how about when Trump tweeted out that Houthis
thing? They got those guys in a circle and they
blow them all up. And Trump's like, they will
never bomb our fucking ships again. I don't have
much advice for the Houthis other than stop fucking
hanging out together. Stop the circle. Literally
in a circle, they all walk to a truck. Oh, right.
It's like, stop. Yeah. One at a time. One at
a time. I bet they don't fade out anymore. They
keep doing it. Every time I see a drone strike,
it's fucking 20 dudes walking together. Well,
what the anti -war people are saying is that
that's a tribal ceremony, that they get together
in these groups. It has nothing to do with the
war. Also possible. Yeah. I didn't know those
guys. Well, you can't ask questions when you're
on a drone. That's a terrorist group? Yeah, you
just label a terrorist. Do I get a green light?
Do I get a green light or no? Green light, green
light, green light. Yeah. And that's been Bush,
Obama, Biden, Trump. Just kill anybody, label
them later. Well, the amount of people that get
killed by drones that are innocents is off the
charts. Oh, yeah. Any other type of warfare,
it's like 90%. Yeah, we got to go back to swords.
It'd be nice. It'd be tough to catch it. You're
looking at the guy. Like, that's the bad guy.
Catch a fucking bystander with a sword. Yeah.
Well, back then, everybody was a bystander. You
know, the sword times, they didn't spare anybody.
You see, they sent drones into Russia, Ukraine.
They hit them on that. That roof? I've heard
about this. Everything I've heard from Russia
-Ukraine, I've never believed any of it. Who
knows? It's been so much propaganda. On any side.
But the one thing that the Ukraine attack is
legit, where they bombed all the bombers with
the drones. What? Yeah, they caused $7 billion
in damage in one day. They blew up all these...
Bombers. Oh, planes. They sent in suicide drones
to blow up all these bombers that were on these
airfields. Suicide drones is such a great term.
It's just a bomb. Yeah. It's a remote control,
but it doesn't shoot things. It flies into things
and detonates. Whoa. That's why they call them
suicide drones. Yeah, they fly the drone. The
drone is the weapon itself. And it's intelligently
controlled. And they just fly them into these
jets and blow them up. Japan was all over that.
Japan was? Oh, yeah. Also meth. That's why they
got those guys to do it. Meth. Really? Yeah,
it was all meth. Yeah, the kamikazes, that was
all meth. Oh, really? Get those guys methed up
and fly them right into the... You know, you're
methed out of your fucking mind. Same thing with
the Nazis in the tanks. The tank guys were the
guys that had the most meth. And the ones who
dance at clubs. It's the methiest molly. Gets
you going. Remember the techno Viking? Remember
that guy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That guy ruled. Yeah,
that guy ruled. There was some guy who was being
shitty to some girl, and he grabs her by the
arm. You, get out of here. Trying to steal her
purse. And then some guy gives him a bottle of
water. He drinks a little of the water, and then
he starts working. Viking dancing. Techno Viking
ruled. Yeah. Viking dance rules. I saw that on
E -Bomb's world. Can we see that guy, Jamie?
You got that guy? I was like, here we go. Loved
E -Bomb. He's trying to steal. So he takes this
guy. Hey, get out of here. Get out of here. I'm
with that guy. I'm going home. Yeah, you're going
home. If you see this fucking dude, that dude
has cardio. He'll beat your ass for hours. And
then he has to point at him one more time. Go.
You don't want to fuck with that guy. Don't turn
around. That guy's, that's the bad motherfucker
that hangs in the group. Let it go, bro. And
look at this dork. Breathe it out. The beta comes
over, offers the water. The beta. Upside down.
Trying to like, you know, really important. Yeah,
but if that's your boy. Yeah. If one of your
boys is the Viking guy. He's like, chill bro,
I know I got you. And then the dance starts.
Give me some music, Jamie. Is that a gun on the
left of him? Techno Viking in the house. Holy
moly, he can move. Black socks all the way up.
That guy fucked all the dirty hippies that night.
No one else is dancing. Yeah, I haven't seen
it since I was a boy. Now that I'm looking back
on it, this guy's kind of fucking gay as shit.
No one else is dancing. I remember being a kid
thinking he was the man. This guy blows. People
are walking through. No one else is dancing like
him. You don't want to hang out with this guy.
Now they're dancing. Fuck no, I don't want to
hang out with them. Oh, there's the cut to the
dude who got sent away. Poor dude. Where are
we? Is this Detroit? Oh, is it? Okay. Berlin.
Oh, Berlin. That makes sense. That's a fuck parade.
That could be the new name of Protect Our Parks.
Fuck parade. That really is a fuck parade. 2000
fuck parade Berlin. That's what pride is. Boy,
I hope they don't all gang up together and fight
Russia. Got crazy weird abs. Oh, my God. Uneven.
Yeah, mismatched. A lot of abs are like that.
This almost says that this whole thing could
have been staged. They're not sure. Really? Because
it was made by an artist, the whole video. Oh,
it's totally staged. That totally makes sense
because the way he pointed was so performatory.
Why would they have followed up on the guy? It's
his twisted sister. Jamie, always getting to
the bottom of things. Jamie, you're great, and
we all love you. We do love you, Jamie. You know
we all love you. I know you got fired up earlier.
Sorry about all that. Well, you used to bring
it up, Ohio. You get his fucking hackles up.
You get his hackles up. This fucking asshole
ass, he brought up fucking Notre Dame. Yeah,
but because you got to let him slide. It's like
when you have a little kid, you can't yell at
him. By the way, this is classic Ohio State.
They won the title, and they're still babies.
Oh, boy. They're still babies. You can get under
the skin. You can go, you know you guys lost
to Michigan? They all go, fuck you. You guys
won't even play them anymore. Oh, boy. They won't
play us, dude. Oh, whatever. Be careful. Look
into that history. You know what? Texas, though,
Texas plays Ohio State, first game of the season,
and they won't play them on Sunday night. I did
see that. That pissed me off. Why not? Because
they don't want it to be a night game. Why? Because
fans, it's a much more rowdy environment. They
want a fucking noon. They want a noon kickoff.
It's Sunday. It's Lord's Day. It's coward's work.
Yeah, they want hungover people. That's funny
when you have to schedule your games based on
how fucked up people will be. For sure. Let's
be careful. Let's not let them. 10 p .m. game.
Oh, my God. Joe, you would love watching Michigan
walk into Ohio State. Can I see it? Uh -huh.
Jamie's got the controls. Not today, Satan. Only
because you asked. I'll show it. So Michigan,
who I hate more than Ohio State, did suck this
year. They're playing at Ohio State. Michigan
has owned them for no fucking... Three straight
years going into this. Yeah, three straight years.
And it's just nice to watch a team walk into
an entire environment that hates you. What was
it? And they're just together, just walking.
I mean, it's. And I hate Michigan. And Michigan's
not even good here. But it's nice to watch. But
they haven't lost to Ohio State. So it's like
a great MMA game. Okay, here we go. Wait, they're
not wanted? It's only going to play 20 seconds,
though. That's all right. When it shows the stadium.
Damn, that's quite a stadium. Wow, imagine being
one of those guys. Imagine being one of those
guys about to play this game. Fuck CTE. Let's
go. Yeah, fuck CT. Let's go. What do I want to
be smart when I'm fucking 70? Who gives a fuck?
Is this it? Is this it? Oh, this is Ohio State.
You're going to watch that. You're going to watch
this. What's this? Watch this. Let's play this,
too. I want to hear this. I want to hear this
when they get out into the field. This is not
the Michigan game. It's Tennessee. Shit rules.
Man, these guys are fired up. First ever December
game? That's when Ohio State turned it around.
What is first ever December game? They just added
the playoffs this year, so there's never been
games this late. That's exciting. Oh, we're doing
this? God, this is amazing. Enter Sandman, Virginia
Tech, Miami. Oh, we did that already. We did
it? We did that already. We got some good entrances.
Hold on. We got some good entrances. Sandman's
the greatest fucking, the greatest beginning
of a game song of all time. Fuck, I'm trying
to think of some good entrances. Metallica just
played. Metallica just played Blacksburg. They
played Virginia Tech Stadium. But how about when
they played Berlin after the fall? Is that? Oh
my god. No, no, no. Moscow. That's right. They
played Moscow. It's the best. Like a million
people. We've definitely watched it. We've watched
that. It's the most insane concert you've ever
seen in your life. You need to see it. Ari needs
to see it right now. Ari's definitely seen it
in that seat. But he needs to see it right now
because he's in another dimension right now.
After that, you've got to show Billy Joel in
USSR. We've done that too. We've done that as
well. Have we ever played Led Zeppelin? Jump
Around, Wisconsin. That's a good one. The sound
isn't as good as it needs to be. What about,
there's an Ariana Grande concert in London. Manchester,
you asshole. Imagine being in that audience.
Look at that fucking crowd. Is this Berlin? It's
Blacksburg, Virginia. They're about to watch
some mediocre football. Yo, Tokis! Hey, white
band members. Woo! I'd love to tell you I didn't
watch this earlier today. Oh, man. This is the
fucking Coliseum. What a fucking song. America
fucking rules. What a country. What are we talking
about? Of course people walk here from Guatemala.
Dude, if I saw Wisconsin going this crazy and
I lived in Guatemala, I would go, bro, I got
to walk. I'm going across that fucking desert.
There you go, J -Mo. Extra bottles of water,
and I'm making it across that fucking desert.
Oh, yeah. That video we just showed has 65 ,000
people in the crowd. The first one we watched
at the Ohio Stadium in this place here is double.
Wow. Holy shit. This is the big house? 70 ,000
there. Holy shit. You know I was supposed to
perform there this year? Really? Me and Zach
Ryan were going to do Michigan Stadium, and they
said no to me. But then they caught you back
on, I thought. Well, Notre Dame got me. What?
They said no to you? Yeah, what the fuck? What
did you do? I have fucking some stuff. I said
a couple things. Come on, man. You guys are joking
around. This is back in the day. I didn't mean
it. Let's play. Let's leave with Russia. Do Enter
Sandman in Russia. Oh, shit. Don't. That's the
shit. Don't do it. Do we want to promote Russia?
Do you look at the size of the crowd? Nah, it's
just the fucking people. No, this is America
giving it to Russia. This is America going, bro,
you want to see what's good? Okay. Look at the
size of the fucking crowd. This is Moscow, 1991.
Look at that crowd. Holy shit. How many people
is that? Helicopter right over it? Bro, that
has to be millions. I said it's over a million.
Why is a helicopter right there? It's the end
of your empire. Yeah. For real. Look at this.
We're all poor. This is Pug. He saw this and
goes, I'll be back. Yeah. Kind of sick. He came
back. Kind of sick. Right. He's in the KGB at
the time. Going, yeah. Going, nah. Moscow. Fuel.
Oh, shit. Look at that fucking crowd. Jesus Christ.
Can you imagine being on that stage where that
energy feels like? No. 1 .6 million. Oh, my God.
In the crowd? Oh, my God. Man, it's like Sunset
Club. Something just up to 2 million. 1 .6 million
in the crowd? That's so crazy. You do one show,
you retire. Yeah. No, they didn't. How was the
paycheck, I wonder? Oh, it must have been in
rubles. Yeah, it must have been nothing. You
get five potatoes and your life. You get to live.
We are not going to kill you. Congratulations.
Long -haired gays. All right, wait. I know we're
trying to play it out. This is crazy. Keep it
coming. I don't want to go home. No, J -Mo. Woodstock
99 corn. All right, we really hit the bottom
here. Hold on. Woodstock corn? Trust me, daddy.
Trust me, daddy. I hate Korg. They need this.
Let's protect our parks. Damn. I mean, there's
supposed to be no experience on Earth like being...
Hatfield on that stage. There's no experience
on Earth. Also, there's no coming back. Yeah.
What do you mean? Have you seen that? You go,
yeah. What's the Asian guy who does the biggest
song in the world? Oh, that guy. Gangnam Style.
Gangnam Style. Pull a Gangnam Style guy when
he comes up from the stage. Just trust me on
Woodstock 99 corn. Look, you're allowed to not
like corn. I didn't really like him until I saw
this fucking video. Some of my intros. I trust
you. You would never throw us a bad one. I wouldn't
do this. Other than that Bulldog video that never
got brought up. Trust me. You fucked up with
the Ohio video. It never got brought up. Here
it is. All right, I saw some jigs. You're allowed
to not like corn. Wait till you see this crowd.
Look at the jugs on Jiggly. Van Flaxen. 99. Not
Israel. It was pre -9 -11. This was on pay -per
-view. Oh, shit. That guy's full hood. I remember
this song from my youth. I think the idea here,
keep an eye on the crowd, right? Yeah. And also,
you know what got me was the lead singer's face
when he walks out and sees the crowd. He gets
it. Like, you just watch a guy, like, take that
energy in. This is a weird time in music. Like,
rock, rap. DMX played earlier in the day. Okay.
Kid Rock. Limp Bizkit. Oh, geez. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Look at that crowd. Look at the crowd.
That crowd's alive. Yeah, that's crazy. That's
a living organism. Imagine being an alien, and
you come down, you watch it, and you're like,
what the fuck are they doing? The pinnacle of
their existence seems to be giving yourself CTE
in front of a million people. Yeah. Headbanging.
Anyway, that one got me going. That's fun. That
was the 90s, baby. What was the last one that
we wanted to do? Gang of Style. Gang of Style.
When he does that jump out. The jump out. The
jump out for the win. Did he have any other big
hits other than that? No, he faded away. No,
he had one other big one. Right off that one.
Really? Yeah. I kind of remember it, too. Norman
already shut him down. Wow, I thought he got
the COVID. Not giving the man his flowers, as
the kids like to say. Oh, shit. This isn't it,
is it? That's not it. No, the one where he pops
out of the floor. That was like the fucking Asian
Magdalena. He comes flying out of the floor.
This is it. The Magdalena. Watch this. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God. That fucking rules. And he goes
right into it. Holy shit. Whoa. Look at the size
of that place. Oh, my God. They're going to all
kill us eventually. Holy shit. Oh, they're chanting.
It's a fucking squid game. Look at the size of
that crowd. It's literally drone footage, dude.
We're going to rock them. Holy shit. Holy shit.
That's insane. Wow. Wow. How many people was
that, I wonder? Holy shit. It shook the whole
place. Yeah, no shit. That's millions of people.
Can you imagine being his wife? Be like, hey,
could you clean up a little? See what I fucking
did? I just flew out of the floor. Shut the fuck
up and cook me a sandwich. All right, we're done.
Should we eat? God bless America. Yeah. Yeah,
hell yeah. Let's go get some gout. Yeah! Gout
of order. Goodbye, everybody.