"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1907. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Group Improvisation Dynamics, Contemporary Satire, and Independent Media Evolution." Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Showing by day, Joe Rogan Podcast
by night, all day. Fresh from the club. Suck
it, Neil deGrasse, you big, fat queef. Imagine
going from that to this. Imagine going from a
legit astrophysicist, head of the Hayden Planetarium,
to this podcast. He's a sweet guy. He's a great
guy. We talked about the James Webb Telescope
and new capabilities and some pretty wild shit.
Imagine caring. What? You don't care at all about
space? Well, it's a cute photo. It's colorful.
No, that's just cool. It's pretty cool. It looks
like Bejeweled, that video game. Imagine if no
one was paying attention to space, if everyone
was like us. I'm like, I hope everything up there
is good. Yeah, whatever that is. I don't know
what the fuck that shit is. Just don't attack.
As long as no attacks, I'm fine. Even the Native
Americans, they would look at it and they would
make shit out of it, you know? Yeah. The Constellation.
Oh, yeah, everybody did. The Constellation. It
was pre -TV. It was the first Connected Arts.
This is the show. The dots are so, like, weirdly
connected, too. Like, how are you getting an
archer? How is that an archer? Yeah, you see
it. You're like, you're drawing random lines
in. Yeah, you're just deciding. Orion's belt.
Oh, there's a lion. That's not a lion, you fucking
idiot. It was like shitty porn. Remember you
watched porn and it was scrambled? You saw a
tit every now and then. You guys were whacking
off the constellations? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That
looks like a tit. No doubt about it. That's a
bit rounded. Do you remember when you would stay
in these shitty little hotels and they would
have, like, you'd have to pay money? like through
a machine to watch porn. Yeah. There was some
hotels. I never saw that. Ray Romano has a bit
about it because he was like, his porn wasn't
working, but he goes, so you have to call downstairs.
But he's like, I have a very recognizable voice.
That was Gilbert. He did that. Yeah. It's a Ray
Romano. Hey, that's pretty good. All right. He's
a sweet, sweet man. He's the best. He's a good
dude, man. And kind of like made his money and
just said, just want my fucking feedback a little
bit. Feedback a little bit. Were you around for
the vibrating bed with the quarter? Yep. I never
saw that. I thought that was a trope. No, I never
saw it. I got on one of those once just to feel
it. I put the quarter in by myself. Yeah, I got
it as a kid. My mom would put them in for us.
Yeah. It was so fun. Really? I don't get it.
Michael J. Fox hated it. Some places you would
go and they would have the spinning bed of a
circular bed and it spun. That was like the honeymoon
suite. Like in the 1970s, there was a house that
was for sale that, who had it? Will Chamberlain?
Let's stay in one position and look at different
walls. I think Will Chamberlain had this fuck
house that was for sale in the Hollywood Hills
and it was just like. all decked out just for
fucking. Like, you had a whole room with, like,
mirrors and a certain bed. Last thing I wanted
was a mirror when I'm fucking. Holy shit. Take
you out of it. Agreed. You do the funhouse mirror.
You're like, oh, my God. It looks insane. When
I'm on top of a woman, it looks fucking insane.
I know. My back is too curved. Yeah, this is
Will Chamberlain's house. Wow. Is that a waterbed?
Yeah, like a waterbed. It's wall -to -wall bed.
Yeah, it's all bed. That's amazing. He was just
banging. I bet that's crunchy as shit, though.
Oh, it's just, if you got one of them black lights
and ran it through that room, it would look like
a Jackson Pollock painting. That's what I call
a little Chamberlain. Jizz everywhere. Black
light. But Lisa Ann said John Sally had the biggest
dong she'd ever seen. Well, look at the size
of them. Yeah. But you never know. He's gigantic.
John Sally's got to be close to 7 feet tall,
right? 6 '9", 6 '10". Still tall. Of course he's
got a giant dick. Even if he had an average dick
for his size, it would be gigantic. I heard Shaq
is very underwhelming. Underwhelming? You see
how that girl is up to his waist? That's what
I've heard. How is Shaq possible? I know a lady.
His hands are as big as his table. How is it
possible? You know a lady? I know a lady. That
saw Shaq's dick? Yes. And she said? In college.
Fine. I don't know if this should be out there,
but... LSU, he's still coming into his own. I
think... And into her. But I think you expect,
you know, a fucking anaconda, and then when it's
just proportionate, you're like, meh. But you
also have to deal with a girl who, like, I fuck
Shaq. He ain't shit. That's true. Lying. Bragging.
They do that to me all the time. Every one of
them is a negative review. They're just trying
to get at me. Thank God there's no fuck Yelp.
That would be bad. Felp. Felp. They had a review
for teachers, and I felt like they should always
have to put their grades in before they review.
Rate my professor? Yeah, like, oh, you don't
like a D? What did you get? Oh, a D? And you
don't like him? Uh -huh. Strange. We were talking
yesterday about how hotels, you get in trouble
for smoking, but you can jizz everywhere. Isn't
that a weird system? Well, you don't get secondhand
jizz, that's why. What are you kidding? It's
all over the drapes. It's just, like, get in
your lungs. Ah, well. Next tenant. See what I'm
saying? I hear you. But what would you rather,
a guy blow smoke in your face or jizz in your
face? Smoke. Why do I have to choose? Definitely
smoke. It's a tough choice. Can we get both?
Aren't we here to party? Why are you guys pausing?
It's definitely smoke. The answer is smoke. It's
certainly smoke. Which guy, though? John Stamos?
I'm taking it. You take a hot one in the face?
Stamos is your guy? I'd switch in a second for
Stamos. You would trade lives with John Stamos?
No. You've got to be you. You'd switch genders?
Yeah. Just to be with him. Well, in a lot of
prisons, you can do that now. That's true. What
a fun trick. Who would not do it? What dumb fucks
in prison are not going to the... Is that your
guy? Full head of hair. He's like 70 years old
now, too. Yep. Wow. Looks great. Yeah, he's a
fucking hunk. Is he married? Yeah, married, kids.
Man, he's handsome. Beautiful guy. Beautiful
man. Hey, I got one. Bring up that guy in White
Lotus' dick from season two. Take a little hit
of that. What was that about? I'm scared. No,
no, no. I'm scared. Just a little puff. Hey,
come get me later. I don't have to be so scared.
Why are you getting mad? A little buffer. Get
me later. Two hours in. This is wonky. Let me
see how I'm doing. If I'm slacking, I'm fired
up. 345. That's too heavy, dude. Make some halftime
adjustments. We got a full five hours to go here.
We'll see when the fun guy kicks in. Yeah. Uh
-oh. We're all fun guys. That was good, dude.
That was Mark Norman -like. Hey, welcome, Jew.
Good special. By the way, congratulations. Thank
you, everybody. Congratulations again. Your special's
at 4. what now? 4 .5 million in four weeks. That's
incredible. Great, we can hang out with you again.
Yeah. Have you ever seen a change? Oh, you were
falling off. I've never seen a change in personality
like this. Well, you know what? The pop when
he got on stage last night was extraordinary.
Yes. To a lot of people having seen it. Yeah.
And I guess enjoying it. Well, all the people
last night are comedy fans. Right. Right, so
you've got to assume those people have probably
all seen it. The couple to the right. We thought
this was a bar. No, you're full of shit, man.
You tried to pretend you didn't have a good set
last night. It was fine. You had a great set.
You just have high standards. Last one was better.
No, those chicks to the right were annoying.
They were tough. You couldn't look at them. There
was a chick to the right that just the whole
show. She looked like a lesbian in Scooby -Doo.
What's a lesbian in Scooby -Doo? Velma. Velma,
yeah. Velma. Do you guys still concentrate on
people in the audience that aren't laughing?
Of course. You just notice them. Especially when
it's 20 in one group. Just sitting there. That's
why it's good to go on stage high. Throw in your
own little head. That's how we work. One guy's
not laughing and you're killing. You focus on
that guy. Nick DiPaolo used to yell at people
when they did that. Fuck, it's your problem.
Used to. Look at this fucking guy. Used to. I'm
sure he still does. Look at these cunts over
here. He could be killing. What country are you
from, you motherfucker? He could be fucking killing,
and if one person wasn't paying attention, he'd
be so fucking mad. Pick a fight. Oh, yeah. Do
you hear about the story when a guy was on his
phone? It was flip phone days, and he took the
phone and put it in his Diet Coke. Yeah. Wow.
Oh, my God. Ballsy. You've got to be able to
fist fight if you do that. Yeah, because that
doesn't work after that. It's not like an iPhone.
iPhones weren't waterproof until like three years
ago. That's right. I used to wet the bed. I peed
on a lot of phones. Would you ruin a phone with
your piss? Nowadays, if it was in your pocket
overnight, you definitely would ruin it. You
used to be able to send your iPhone to a company
and they would waterproof it. They would dunk
it or spray it in some kind of plastic and waterproof
all the stuff. What was that shit again? I don't
know. Chloroform or something? They froze him.
Carbon. Some carbon freeze. Carbonite. Carbonite.
Maybe that was it. Yeah, and then they thawed
him out for the sequel. Yeah. Turns out he's
not dead. Well, he wasn't, remember? What's the
guy, Luke? Kylo Ren killed him. What's Luke's
thing? He was in a Burt's movie. Luke Skywalker.
Mark Norman? Mark Hamill. We're off. We're off
to a hot start again. I missed it. Did you have
a stinker? No. Oh, okay. No. I'm just shitting
on Star Wars. Yeah, Mark Hamill got in a crazy
motorcycle accident between Empire Strikes Back
and Return of the Jedi. Was it a car accident
or a motorcycle accident? I think it was a motorcycle.
That's why his face is a little banged up. Yeah.
Oh, interesting. Pull it up. I think it was a
car accident, but yeah. Oh, maybe it was a car.
Was it? Yeah. Ah, shit. Yeah, he wrecked his
face, right? You look different. Oh, he looked
real bad. Look at Leno. Jay Leno taking pictures
with nurse staff. You get a picture and you're
like, I'm disformed. How bad does it look? How
bad is Leno's scars? He's fine. He looks like
an allergic reaction. He's already on stage.
Yeah. He was on stage at Comedy and Magic Club
the other night. Arsenio Hall tweeted about it.
I heard his set was fire. I'll see myself out.
How old do you have to be where you can't say
fire anymore? Look at where he goes. Oh, so he's
got some, like, peeling skin. I thought that
was dolazol. So that's him in the hospital with
the peeling skin. The denim. What is with the
denim? And he's got every pocket full. You know
why? That's a guy who literally doesn't give
a fuck what he looks like. You're telling me.
Cuts his hair. He's never worked out a day in
his life. He just likes working on cars. Full
head of hair, though. By the way, never been
happier. Great guy. He's a fucking different
human being, man. Now that he's not on the show.
Yeah, man. This is what he loves. He was burnt
up, man. His hands were all fucked up. His face
was all fucked up. He looks like a fucking addict.
He does. He looks like a crazy homeless crack
guy under a bridge. He does look like Austin.
In the window, somebody's got to put, come to
Austin. He fits in an L .A. skid row. That guy
has 11 warehouses filled with cars. You've never
seen anything like it in your life. What a crazy
thing to collect. Like, that's going to be your
collection. That's what he loves, though. Automobiles.
That's why his show's so good. It's like, everybody's
got a thing that they really like. And that guy,
it's fucking cars. If you go on his show, you
go, oh, you should have been doing this the whole
time. Everybody would have had a completely different
opinion of Jay Leno. Because they thought he
was this mild, sort of bland talk show host.
He was a very nice guy. Good joke writer. And
you'd always hear, like, legends about back in
the day when he was a stand -up. He was the murderer.
A lot of people said he was the second best cop.
I'm behind Pryor. Yeah. Everybody said he was
a fucking straight up killer. And he always wanted
that tonight show. That was in our, you know,
before our time, well, my time, I'm the oldest,
right? So it's like even before my time, what
everybody wanted was the Tonight Show. They wanted
this. If you could be the host of the Tonight
Show, they knew that Johnny Carter or Johnny
Carson. Oh, boy, dementia is kicking in. Johnny
Carson was the guy. One day we'll kick in. Right?
Yeah, it's a bummer. Yeah, I'm 55. One day I'll
be like 80, and it won't work so good. It'll
be a smooth transition. Pretty smart 80 -year
-olds on the podcast. You know, I think you tend
some people to get lucky. I think it's a roll
of the dice. I smoke too much weed. I'm not going
to make it. And you know once you get dementia,
they'll be like, it's because you didn't take
the vaccine. They'll be waiting. Back in the
20s, you should have been boosted. Hilarious.
But you can just keep talking about aliens and
elk and no one will notice. It'll go right in.
It's going to be better. If it gets bad. If you're
talking about Sasquatch and aliens while you're
dementia. That's gold. I met Sasquatch was on
this show. I've had guys on the show that said
they saw Sasquatch. There's a lot of flat earthers,
too. It's weird how many flat earthers there
are. There's a lot out there. There's a lot out
there. Kyrie Irving was a well -known flat earther.
Yeah, he was. That's why he should get a pass.
But he bailed on that. That's why he should get
a pass. He should get a pass on any other theory
he has. When people go like the juice thing,
it's like, guys, that's what he's into. Wild
stories. You guys understand how crazy what he
did was? I talked about it already before in
a podcast, but he posted a link to a video. That's
it. Don't say this is awesome. Didn't say this
is terrible. He got a five game suspension, a
bunch of other things, but the fucking video
is still for sale on Amazon. That's the thing.
No one cares that it's actually out. It's not
like it's hidden. Get mad at them. No one's upset
that they're selling it on Amazon for $40. It's
all narrative shit. It's all narrative. They
made a narrative that like, oh, you're, then
they don't look into it. This is the narrative.
This is the new thing. The new thing is if someone
is anti -Semitic, man, they just come for you.
This is the new thing. This is the latest clear,
no suppression. They're not going to beat you
up, but someone they know runs the media. If
there's a thing, though, like there's a thing
that's in the news. You said it, brother. If
there's a thing that's in the news you can't
deviate from, right now that thing is anti -Semitism.
Dude, it's like you hired him. To say crazy shit.
Because if you think about it, the anti -Semitism
comes out, all this fucking heat. Kanye gets
canceled. People are searching the word Jew.
Who would have thought they could cancel Kanye?
Who would have thought they could remove his
position with Balenciaga and Adidas and all that
stuff? See Balenciaga? Crazy. But it's crazy.
But all this happens, and then you put out Jew.
Perfect. It was amazing. You and Ronnie Chang.
He came out during the Asian hate. He was pre
-Asian hate. They weren't really hating on Asians.
I still hate them. Because Ronnie was big before
the pandemic. Yeah. That's true. That special
was before the pandemic. That's a great fucking
special, by the way. He's a funny guy. He's a
classic example. Ronnie is a classic example
of a guy who has his own personality on stage.
Oh, yeah. No one's doing what that guy's doing
on stage. The way he does it. The anger with
that accent. And it's his personality. You get
into his mind and his vibe, and he just takes
you on a ride. He really keeps it ruse out there.
You son of a bitch. Can I get that lighter? Yep.
One, two, three, go. Can we talk about Artie's
change? He's happy now. I mean, you put this
special, it's changed your life. That's what
it was about, fucking him up. I got a big head
now. You were such a little baby earlier. Big
nose. I said, let me get my dog. It's hard when
everybody's doing well. It's hard, and shit's
not going well for you. It's hard. It's going
quite well now. People have watched it in droves.
You're killing it. You did it all the right way,
too, and you took a bet on yourself. Yeah. And
you fucking won. Four and a half million views
in fucking less than a month. That's amazing.
I told you it's going to reach eight. We had
a conversation. It's literally fucking believable.
And it's about a niche topic. Never thought that
would happen to you. About a group that people
hate. That's incredible. Not right now. No one
saw this coming. No one. No one saw your success
coming. I mean, this is fucking unbelievable.
You have people like, how do you think it's going
to do? I'm like, I don't know. I thought 20K.
There's no way. I told him $8 million. He told
me $8 million. I told him $6 million. And he
goes, no, I said $8. I'm like, you're missing
the joke. And now he's stuck. I'm going, so guys,
if you're watching, as soon as it gets, just
get it to $6 million and prove Joe Rogan wrong.
Everybody watch right now. Joe doesn't believe
it's $6 million. Jew on YouTube. Joe does not
believe in the $6 million. And black and gay
were in there, by the way. I didn't get the Holocaust
joke until right now. Really? Literally. I'm
so done. You said just get it. it to six million,
I'm like, he's selling himself short. I really
think he made it to eight. I was so literal.
I texted him. I was like, Joe, instead of six
weeks and eight million, why don't you reverse
those? He goes, no, I believe it'll be eight
million. I said, Joe, pretend like you're a comedian
for a second and look at my numbers. I didn't
get the reference. I didn't get the reference.
He doesn't believe in it. You know Big Jay's
old joke? You know they have that bread, it's
called a challah? Yeah. He's like, I used to
go into the deli and go, how much does the challah
cost? Oh. Come on. Yeah, that's cute. It is.
It's crazy how that's the topic du jour right
now. Yeah, we pick a group every couple months.
It is crazy. Everyone has to change their Facebook
avatar. It's just this wave of groupthink that
goes across the country. I think white men are
next. We'll get some love. No, no. We're fucked.
We have plenty of advantages. Just leave it at
that. Yeah, huge dicks. It's like being a rich
guy wanting birthday presents. Great dancers.
Can I say about Kanye West, though? People don't
take into account. Spicy food. Black Skinhead
was one of the greatest songs of all time. The
beat that comes on in the beginning of that is
so fucking good. He's fucking sensational. He's
a talent. Let's play some of that. Play some
Black Skinhead. Just from second one. Maybe Kanye
can sue Spotify, get some money back. Don't put
up the long YouTube version, just the Spotify
version. Oh, there you go. Yeah. He's, I mean,
look, he's a brilliant artist. Brilliant artist.
Stay off Twitter. He doesn't read. Right. That's
part of the problem. And also he's his style
of his style. He like openly talks about he doesn't
read books, but his style of like talking is
like his style performance, which is so unbelievable.
Overpowering stream of consciousness. Beautiful
lyric. Bang, bang, bang. He was like dominating
it. Right. Well, he tries to do that with conversations.
And when you do that, you know, as well as I
do, when you just talk wild, you say shit and
then you got to like defend it. Exactly. You're
not going to back down. Do you double down? Maybe
you're saying some stuff that you heard some
other influential person say. It's so fucking
good. Bro, he's got banger after banger. All
of his albums are legit. He's a concert on Amazon.
Watch it. It's fucking incredible. Easy, Kyrie.
When he had the whole Tron outfit, he's a real
artist. He just walked off the Tim Pool show.
Walked off the Tim Pool show. They were talking
about anti -Semitism and he just got up. But
why did he? I don't understand what happened.
His squad? His squad, dude. It's him, Milo, and
the other guy. What? They're together? They're
chilling, dude. Tim Pool? Whoa. No, Kanye. Is
he on Milo? I love that. On a private jet. He
didn't put respect on... a name so he was like
got out of there it is a it's a fascinating turn
of events this is a weird time it's the weirdest
time ever because to see uh kanye like now he's
saying like they're freezing his bank accounts
and the fbi wants 75 million from it's That's
you guys, dude. Don't fuck with us. Who's the
last guy? The FBI froze $75 million, and they
say he owes $50, which is like, if he owes $50,
why'd you freeze $75? Interesting. I don't understand
any of it, but he's got to be still worth hundreds
of millions of dollars. When he said in the beginning,
I'm going DEFCON or DEFCON, whatever, on the
Jews, I'm positive he meant, I'm firing my agents.
I'm positive that's what he meant. I don't think
that's what he meant. I think it is. I think
he wants to kill you guys. Look at that. Well,
he's not doing it. Who's the twink on the left?
Is that Dan Bulger? Who is that? It looks like
Dan Bulger. That's the new booker for the comedy
store. Is that Milo? No. Yeah, it's Milo. Is
he reading the Torah? He's reading the Bible.
He's got a Torah. Milo's straight now. Milo's
straight now. He came back into the closet. Is
that true? Yeah, he comes up straight. I think
he prayed to God and he's straight. Oh, and he's
got his... Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute. He's holding the Bible all the time.
He's got the fracari hat. That's got to be a
calendar. He's like organized. No, that's a Bible.
That's a Bible. What? You see the thing at the
bottom? That's how he stays straight. That's
how he stays straight. Milo is the best. Wow,
Old Testament. So is that for the photo? I mean,
Milo is a troll. Milo is the troll. He was a
great, great, great troll back in his day. And
he was the first guy they removed, and everybody
was happy. Yeah, you got to remove him. And once
you start doing shit like that, it just gets
slippery and slippery, and they just keep going
further down the line. What did you say about
ivermectin? You're gone. What did you say about
Ukraine? You're gone. What did you say about
this? Get out of here. He was the first one.
They took away his ability to make a living.
Oh, yeah. He was super popular, man. These cryptic
guys are dying. Well, isn't he Jewish? What the
fuck are you? Milo? Yeah. Is he? No, Greek. Yeah,
he's a big Greek. I thought he was Jewish. He's
married to a black. No, man. Black man. Nice.
Was he Christian? He might be a part Jewish.
He wasn't Jewish? He's everything they should
love. Well, he's... It was an amazing place to
be. To be a gay conservative who's a witty guy,
who's very funny. Way to fill a void. Are we
talking Tim Dillon? Dude. He would just go to
college campuses and just anger people. When
Bill Maher had him on that show, he said to him,
you remind me of Hitchens. Whoa. And everybody's
like, what is he saying? It's true. There was
a moment where people were saying, like, this
is this rabble -rouser, really smart, gay Republican
guy who's hilarious. He's for sure a rabble -rouser.
Roman Catholic. Roman Catholic. We're the best,
dude. Nice. Congrats. We got one. Foreskin. We're
the best, dude. You see these crypto guys are
dying? That's the second one that's died mysteriously.
Is that what's happening? They're taking out
crypto guys? Give it a go, JMO. How about these
people that put all that money in FTX and now
they say that they hired someone to hunt this
guy down to find him? I don't know what anything
is. Larry David's very confused. You don't know
what this FTX thing is? I heard about it. I have
no idea what it is. It's a channel. It's where
he used to have Louis before he showed his dick.
Crypto founder. Crypto founder. 30. Unexpectedly
dead at 30. Unexpected. I mean, come on. It's
all coming to light. What is the cause of death?
Black light. What's the cause of death? Tried
to be traffic, didn't he? Does it say why? No,
they won't let you know. It's Epstein. Just died
in his sleep. Died in his sleep. 30 -year -olds
always die in their sleep. Who the fuck dies
in their sleep? Look how healthy he looks, too.
He's hot. Yeah, look, he's all thin and healthy.
Yeah. 30 years old, dies in his sleep. Fentanyl?
You think maybe fentanyl? There's a new one with
the helicopter crash there. It could be. It certainly
could be. That's the kind of shit they cover
up. Fentanyl? Everybody wants to say their kid
died of a drug, so they just go, he died in his
sleep. We don't know. Well, they've been actually,
it's like the numbers are so high. Yeah, but
if you're a fucking billionaire, you're not dying
of fentanyl. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're getting
high. You're going crazy. Yeah, but they get
good coke. Usually. Usually. But someone's like,
I'm breaking it out. You're partying. Look, look.
Another guy. Russian billionaire. The third top
cryptocurrency trader to die suddenly in recent
weeks. You think that's a new wife or the original
wife? That's the... That's the up. 2 .0. That's
a great wife. That's the step up. Very lovely
lady. Damn. She looks good. Hotter wife than
Trump's. Look at him. He's a disaster. Fucking
dead. He's dead now. Dunzo. Back then he was
53 and barely hanging on with a bombshell. I
don't want to make fun of a guy for dying, dude.
I don't want to make fun of a guy for dying in
a helicopter crash. That would be uncouth. Untoward.
Who died in a helicopter crash? That guy. That
guy did? Yeah. No, I thought he died suddenly.
No, there's other guys. It was pretty quick.
Helicopter crash was pretty quick. Use a helicopter
crash? It'll crawl out of that. Well, I liked
you when you were depressed. Now you don't return
calls. You don't return calls. You don't return
calls. My ratio of blues to whites in that thread
is staggering. Fuck that, dude. Blues to whites.
Whites always win. You don't use the dark screen
for your text messages? What are you, a savage?
What's a dark screen? What's that? You can go
dark mode. What does that mean? Blackface? So
that means when your texts show up, they look
cool. Like, look, here's when you send me a text.
I'll show you what it looks like. Dark mode.
Like that. Yeah, but look at your blues. Yeah,
blues and, oh, you mean, but it's still white
text. Blues to black. Interesting. Yeah, it's
like a dark gray. Oh, that's cool. That's exciting.
Better. It's better. I can't wait to get drunk
and turn this thing up. It's coming. We're getting
lit up right now. It's going to start. You know
what? We had a hard workout last night. We all
got a little excited. We got lit up. We got a
little lit up. I didn't even realize it. I know.
I got excited. I was like, the band's back. Yeah,
baby. You know what's a fun thing to do when
you listen to this podcast is click forward in
two hours. Yeah, I would always say. It's really
funny to listen to the beginning and then just
click two hours in. It's like, put it on R, Kelly.
Put it on R. So just to tell you what this FTX
thing is, they had this cryptocurrency, and then
they had this thing called tokens. It's very
difficult to explain all of it. Yeah. But the
tokens weren't really backed up by anything.
anything it's all like it's basically a ponzi
scheme well this guy was in competition with
another guy who ran another cryptocurrency exchange
and this guy decided to fuck that guy and dump
all of his tokens so he sold all of his tokens
crashed the market and then people started trying
to pull their money out and they realized there's
not enough money the whole thing falls apart
this is a very meathead non -economist version
of it and i apologize for being uneducated about
this but that's what happened and so they went
from this guy went from being worth billions
of dollars to like fucking nothing wow like instantly
like within a week and now some Bitcoin people
who lost a shitload of money because billions
of dollars are lost. Not only that, billions
are missing. There's billions that they can't
account for. I used to have some money in here.
Also, some of it got moved to another company.
You can just crash everybody's currency like
that. Well, this is not real currency. This is
the point of all this. I had Giannis on, and
Giannis was like, they're making it out of thin
air, and then it goes away. Of course it fucking
went away. It's not based on anything. But people
are using it to buy shit. Yes. But the dollar's
not based on gold anymore or anything, right?
Right. But everybody has to agree. And no one's
agreeing with this. Bitcoin is a stable one.
What else is stable? Ethereum? US dollar? Yeah,
but this still is like... This is more like financial
fuckery than it is crypto fuckery. Right. It's
more Bernie Madoff type Ponzi scheme shit. I'm
ruined. I'm absolutely ruined. I lost about 90
% of mine. It's like if anybody can have a crypto,
you can all make a crypto coin. Well, then we
got a whole weird situation. It's not like now
we have Bitcoin. Oh, let's all use Bitcoin. It's
decentralized. That makes sense. But then now
you have how many coins are there? Yeah, exactly.
It was Bitcoin. coin now it's like it's like
tops when tops is the only trading card in town
and then dom russ and fleer came in and was like
none of this is worth anything those are way
up by the way so tops yeah we want tangible now
because everything that nft and all that horseshit
let's do it let's do it trading cards are up
they're huge the nft thing died the nft thing
made zero sense to me made no sense died in a
helicopter it's not a real What made sense was
that Beeple thing that he made for us. But that's
not art. But that's art. It's a piece of art.
Actual art. It's something there. And it is.
You own it as an NFT if you got an NFT wallet.
It's still happening. Even during all this crash,
big stuff happened. Say that again, Jimmy? During
all this, Nike's launched a platform to sell
some sort of NFT stuff. It's still going strong.
Yeah, it's still happening. Why? Who's buying
them? Dorks. Fucking idiots. Twinks. They were
never really supposed to be worth hundreds of
thousands of dollars. That's kind of the thing.
Were they supposed to be worth a good rise? It's
supposed to be a useful thing. Didn't Ugonzo
make like a million dollars? Sure. There's a
lot of people that made a bunch of money because
there was a hype that people thought they could
make, like Beanie Baby Run. They thought they
could make money off of this. Anyone who was
just greedy wanted to make money, but it's not
necessarily the use that they were supposed to
have. Got it. So the use they were supposed to
have was just to make it so that someone has
the intellectual rights to digital property.
And they could make money off of it if it was.
It is a good way to protect artists. And they
have this in the UK. If you resell a painting,
the artist gets paid again. You can't sell something
for $30 ,000, have it sold seven years later
for $200 million, and you're like, I get nothing?
That's good. I like that. Yeah, Beanie Babies
went through the shitter, too. I wonder if they
changed insurance on paintings. I saw the doc
on it. Trading cards, Beanie Babies. What are
you, a fifth grader? Mark Norton's my money guy.
He's like, fucking Beanie Babies are tanking.
You want to find some Pokemon? I got you. What
is that? Whoa, mushrooms? Bag of mushrooms? J
-Mo. What were we just saying? Beanie Babies.
Anti -Semites. No, no, no. A diva. Shit. I used
to love Beanie Babies when I was a kid. I was
a gay kid. Protecting artists? Really? It was
one of the last things I liked that was gay.
That is gay. I was old for liking Beanie Babies.
That's weird. You liked Beanie Babies? How old
were you? I could never buy them. I never got
them. My friends had a bunch of them. How old
were you? 25th, 6th grade? 6th grade? Too old
for that. That's way too old. I never had them.
I would go to my friend's house and he had cool
Beanie Babies. Makes sense, though. Who's his
friend? Milo? What? Who are your friends with?
Shut up. It's a weird thing to keep as a 17 -year
-old. He was a fifth grader. It was weird to
save age. Is he special needs? No. All right.
Dude, what are you talking about? Beanie Babies
were all the rage. Oh. Not amongst boys. Not
amongst boys as much. I don't really think they
really were. I liked the cool Beanie Babies,
dude. I'm not going to back down. Which one was
the coolest one? What was your top collection?
There was a black bear. Shut up. A black bear.
That's fun. Jamie, bring up the black bear Beanie
Baby for me. Boys could have dolls. Tell me this
thing is fucking cool, dude. Boys could have
dolls, but they had to be action figures. That's
right. They had to inflict damage on people.
Yeah. Yeah. They had a G .I. Joe with the kung
fu grip. That's a good bear. That is cute. Cute
little bear. You tell me you don't want that
guy? That's just a fucking stuffed animal. That's
fun. It's Beanie Baby. They're Asian, right?
When you were fifth grade, they had what? Like
fucking wooden horses? What toys did you have
in your fucking village? You had a dreidel. Who
do you think read more religious texts? You during
your prime or Milo trying to fight off the gay?
That's a good question. I bet he's reading that
same page over and over again. He just can't
get it. What? You read a lot of religious stuff?
I was headed a certain way. All I did was study
all day. Damn. Yeshiva, day and night. It didn't
pay off, though. How long did it last? Two solid
years in yeshiva. Ex -gay Milo dramatically interprets
Bible verses. Is that him? Anti -LGBT Network's
audio book. Oh, is he doing an album? Boy, he
still looks gay, though, right? He does look
quite gay. It's almost like you can't pray in
a wet. Well, it's like you. You're never going
to get rid of that face. I mean, you're stuck
with the Jew forever. Yeah, I got the beak. Yeah,
you got propaganda face. My special should be
in 3 -D. Don't pray the gay one. Those pray the
gay away things are always a bunch of gay guys,
like hugging you from behind, getting boners,
telling you you can fight it off. Yeah. Stay
still and we'll fight this. That's what it is.
I read a whole story on that once with this guy
infiltrated one of them, pray the gay things
away. And he's like, what is going on here? And
he did a behind the scenes reporter thing. And
this guy was hugging him. He had a boner pressed
against his back. Damn. Because when you think
about it, who's at an anti -gay camp? All gays.
It's Chelsea. Was it Bruno that went and did...
Ali G is Bruno. Yeah, the fashion show. He went
to, I think, a pray away thing. That sounds like
Bruno. Really? It's so crazy that they still
do that. He's the best. They tell you you should
just pray it away. Yeah, why would you? I mean,
gay is good. I would love to be gay. Dude, it's
one of the weirdest conversations I've ever had
with people. I've had a couple of them on here
where I talk about gay stuff and, like, gay rights.
And I'm like, well, what do you expect a person
to do if they're gay? Well, there's a lot of
things that you, you know. want to do that are
sins. And I was like, so do you think that people
are actually gay? Do you think it's a choice?
A lot of people think it's a choice. I'm like,
this is just religious nonsense. You clearly
don't know any gay guys. They're gay, and they're
like us. They're gay as hell. They're like us,
but they want to fuck guys. They're lying. Am
I being bi? Yeah, they're just making fun of
you. There's a lot of them. I want to see who
would agree. Yeah, this guy's great. If you see
Mateo... Mateo Lane, you're not like, fight it.
You're gone. You're lost. It's funny to want
guys to fuck chicks. It's funny to want that,
to see Mateo and be like, damn, I wish you were
fucking pussies. I like you, man. I wish you
were fucking girls. You want him on that side.
Imagine Richard Simmons saying, no, you got it
wrong, Richard. You're not gay. Oh, okay. Imagine.
It is weird, though, just because you're a dick,
you have to talk differently. That's strange.
You don't have to. The lisp is odd. It's odd.
But there's a lot of guys who don't. Josh Zepps,
my friend Josh Zepps. Tim Dillon. You never know.
A lot of guys are just like regular guys. They're
just gay. And that's why it's nonsense to tell
people that they can't do it. They can't do what?
They can't be gay. Or they can't get married.
That's weird. It's so fucking stupid. And they
want to say a marriage is only for procreation.
Says who? It's a made up thing. But then you
go, what about people who are barren? Exactly.
I watched that conversation. He said that before.
You watch it, you fucking thief. He doesn't watch
anything that's not him. What are you talking
about? I just look at these pictures of myself.
He's trying to be mean to Ari. He's too high
on himself. He's taking a fucking bait anymore.
He's all of a sudden, he's killing it. Last time
I made fun of him, he was like, now he's like,
yeah, man. Next time he's going to be wearing
a Rolex. I don't like it. I should come in with
a robe with that fucking leader of the world
robe. One YouTube special. You've changed. He's
going to have a Rolex. You don't even protect
the park anymore. I don't. Oh, you should see
my park. You're a goddamn Republican now. Third
rape happened at the fucking park we didn't protect.
What? Jesus Christ. This is a dark fucking under
construction place now. So it's just construction.
The park is gone. It's a rape haven. If you're
a rapist, head on down to the park. Also, what
are you wearing under that? You've got something
plain. You've got multiple layers. How many layers
of clothes do you have? There's something underneath
this. Just a shirt I found at a thrift store,
guys. I don't know. Better not be a Jew star.
What is this? What is this? Just a shirt I found
at a thrift store. Sorry. America. America is
full. Oh, Jesus. It's Trump. Oh, my God. With
a bathrobe and a beer. He's got a tent hanging
out. Shit is full. Where did you get that? That's
amazing. Guess where I got it. Where? Mexico.
That's amazing. Damn. It's the greatest shirt
ever made. That's a great shirt. It's part of
the print. It fits like a glove. Oh, yeah. I
was wondering why you dressed like that. If I
was buying that, my wife would be like, don't.
Don't buy that. You're not wearing that. I was
going to buy it for a liberal friend, and then
I'm like, it's too early. I can wear it, too.
This is so fucking fun and ironic. It's so good.
You're going to fuck up a Christmas party with
that in Brooklyn. Sorry, America's full. 600
pesos. Isn't it funny how they have him in a
bathrobe with a beer, but Trump is always wearing
a suit, and he doesn't even drink? He doesn't
drink. Thank God. Oh, that's it. Shitter's full.
Oh, it's basically that. Oh, it is that. It's
Shitter's full. Great movie. So great. That's
even better. Is he holding a hose as well? No,
it's the shitter hose. Yeah, but is he holding
a hose? I didn't know what it was until your
guys told me. I was like, what's the second level?
Hilarious. That's from Christmas Vacation, right?
Made in Mexico. What a great fucking movie that
was. That movie holds up. All of them do. It's
like a time machine, though. It's like you couldn't
even make a movie like that anymore. No. Just
the way people behaved with each other. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. But that guy was great, Hughes.
Oh, man. I mean, you go to 2013 and movies are
nuts. Isn't he bat shit now? Yeah, he went crazy.
Yeah, he went a little rowdy. He got a little
rowdy. Like way. He got interneted. Is that what
happened? Yeah, he just kept talking to people
who don't know him. And then he went nuts. But
I thought it was like some wacky conspiracies.
Yeah. But he went deeper because everyone was
like, you're wrong. He was like, fuck yeah. Oh,
they started arguing with him. Is that what he
looks like now? I like that. Is that David Letterman?
He looks cool. That looks like a guy I'd have
on my podcast to talk about aliens. It's like
a Duck Dynasty or something. He'd be a guy. Well,
there's nine specific kinds of aliens that we've
identified. Directly at a star. How the fuck
did that happen? Those guys always go too far.
They start off at a way deeper place, and you're
like, well, don't get me started on the Gritrothy.
And you're like, I don't know what you're talking
about. Randy Quaid taking into custody in Vermont
trying to cross the border into Canada. That
was 2015. Free Quaid. Free Quaid. Quaid. Free
my man Quaid. He was a funny guy, though, man.
Yeah, he was great in that movie. Really funny
in movies. Cousin Eddie. That's fucking me up.
I couldn't remember his name in that. That's
Cousin Eddie. Did you see what Jim Carrey just
left Twitter and left the craziest note? Why
don't they ever just leave? They always have
to say to everybody, because you're still in
the system. They always have to say to everybody,
look at me, I'm leaving. What did he say? I don't
know. Jamie will find it. Sam Harris left, too.
That's Jim Carrey? Randy Quaid appalled. Biden
called him a Neanderthal. Take out the most Neanderthal
-looking picture for this. How did Biden get
out the word Neanderthal? I don't believe it.
As a native Texan, I'm appalled that our president
called me a Neanderthal. 23andMe has verified
I have no Neanderthal ancestry in my genetic
code. This is not to say Neanderthal lives don't
matter. Just saying a lot of us Texans have grounds
for a class action suit. What a psycho. He's
a fun guy. As a Texan, am I appalled? I think
Biden probably called Texans Neanderthals. I
think we need to stuff Randy up with some mushrooms
and bring him in for a podcast. Get him on here.
Look at those glasses. Those are nice. Good looking
dog. Nice bitch. There you go. Kingpin was gold.
Kingpin was gold. I just saw that again. Oh,
my God. He's so good. They're all so good in
it. Yeah. Imagine trying to make a movie like
that today. Fairly Brothers, yeah, with the Amish.
They were at the top of the game for a while.
So here he says, I'm leaving Twitter, but first
here's a cartoon I made with my friend Jimmy
Hayward. It's based on my painting of a crazy
old lighthouse keeper standing naked in a storm,
summoning the angels and shining his lamp to
guide us through a treacherous night. I love
you all so much. Oy vey. What? Okay. Already
then. He posts this thing, which is like a lighthouse
with crazy lights, and then it's a naked guy,
but you don't see his dong. Oh, fun. This seems
healthy. Got the middle finger up. Oh, yeah.
Let's do the soup fuck. Looks like McGregor now.
All right. What the fuck? Good way to go out
there, Terry. That's a funny way to go out, actually.
He never really tweets again. Just that? So bizarre.
So bizarre. I love you all. Here's this weird
cartoon of a naked guy screaming in the rain.
Maybe we should edit that. Let's get some of
these Beanie Babies going again. Let's fire this
baby. Clean the pile a little bit. Here we go.
Yeah. Fire it up, dude. I am every Star Wars
action figure. That's pretty sick. No, he doesn't.
I do. I really do. Boba Fett was a big one for
me. That was a hot item. Yeah. Use the real lighter.
That one's a bitch -ass lighter. You see the
thing I was thinking about the monks? Yeah, crazy.
They kicked all these monks out of the monastery
because they're all high on meth. Yeah. There's
always something. Every monk in the Thai temple
defrocked after testing positive for meth. Every
monk. Look at her. She's got a mask on outside.
That's a ton of meth. That's monk meth? I want
to try that meth. They're going off. Monk meth.
The brown, the white, the green. It's beautiful.
They never talk. That's got to be the fucking
hardest thing in the world. They have a vow of
silence on meth. They're meditating. They were
trying to figure out how to meditate longer.
And well, we need some amphetamines up in this
bitch. But how do you not have a convo? You ever
done meth? No one shuts up. Jamie, can you bring
it? What is it? 50 cents a pill. That's 50 cents
a pill. It's only cost 50 cents a pill. 50 cents
is nothing. Wow. I can get that cheaper in Mexico.
Yaba. Sell for less than 50 cents. Meth and Yaba
can easily be found in every corner of Thailand.
Supply is up everywhere. And at this point, a
tablet is cheaper than a beer. UNDOC's Jeffrey
Douglas Tai Inquirer. Good time out there. Last
month, Hong Kong reportedly made its biggest
ever seizure of meth, finding 1 .8 metric tons
of liquid meth hidden in cartons of coconut water
en route for Australia. Wow. How did they know?
Someone's a rat. Someone's a rat. Authorities
in August found two tons of meth hidden in marble
tiles shipped from the Middle East to Sydney
in what police describe as a... largest ever
seizure of illicit drugs in Australia. Also in
August, Mexican soldiers seized almost 1 .5 tons
of meth and 328 pounds of apparent powdered fentanyl
at a checkpoint in the northern state of Sonora.
You know how much fucking 328 pounds of, that'll
kill everyone on this fucking planet. I know,
and meth makes you horny, so they must have been
really plowing in the temple. In July, more than
5 ,000 pounds of meth was found in a record -breaking
seizure in Southern California. Go back to the
girl in the top of the video with her wearing
that mask. I don't even think she's outside.
I think she was outside. No. That's why she's
wearing a mask. Just click on that. Pause. How
old was this? We're going to look at this in
the future. How old is this? Like last week.
No. Yes. 2022. Why are they still doing the mask?
No, this week. Excuse me. Because they're crazy.
This is back when my special was only at 4 .1
million. I've said it before. I'll say it again.
That mask is a fucking Democrat's MAGA hat. That's
what they're doing. Interesting. The fact that
she thinks she needs to wear that, for sure that
lady is boosted and tested and they're working
on a television show. I'd give her a boost. I
bet you would. Very attractive. Give her a Johnson.
Balls. There's going to be videos that we look
at in the future. There's going to be videos
that we look at in the future that we're going
to hear the mouth behind. We're going to go,
what the fuck? That time and place. It'll really
mark a time. Is she L .A.? Oh, yeah. KCAL 9 is
L .A., right? It's L .A. You got to do it in
L .A. In L .A., you still have to wear a mask.
Dude, in the Bay, everyone's hiking with masks,
wide alone. It's just like they're still holding
on to it. It is a badge of honor. It's hilarious.
It's a masquerade. It's hilarious. And if everybody
else is doing it. That was your best one. That
was a pretty good one. It might have been your
best one. If everybody's doing it, you feel like
you have to do it or you're a piece of shit.
Yep. Like when we went to see Roger Waters, we
had to wear masks. Oh, it's so funny seeing Rogan
going, I'll do this, but only because I got backstage
access. Wait, you had to wear masks? We had to
wear masks backstage. I would love to see you
putting that thing on. I made everybody put it
on. Put it on. I was one of those guys. Put your
fucking mask on, bro. But the guy who was the
security guy there, I was talking. I'm like,
what's going on? He goes, it's just a way to
let everybody know that you're a leftist. That's
what he said. That guy was great. It's just a
way to let everybody know you're a leftist. I'm
like, that is what it is. We bought a bunch of
blow on my bachelor party, and we tested it.
For fentanyl. That's right. I made them. Oh,
man, I would have loved that. That was you? I
made your test. Oh, good call. Yeah. Unless you
test all of it, how do you know? You test one
little chunk, it doesn't have it. It's not like
there's a fucking even distribution of fentanyl
in your coke. No, you can shake it up and test
it back. Do we know that? Is that how it works?
That's how you do it. They're not making this
stuff in the same places they make fucking...
Yeah, I know, but don't they mix it in together?
Yeah, no, you have tester kits. They work. Kids,
always use tester kits. Yes, use tester kits,
but... What I'm saying is if you're buying this
stuff, you don't know how it's mixed. You don't
know if you're getting one piece from one batch
and one piece from another batch. You scoop up
a piece. You just got to let your friends go
first. They're not making it in the same place
they make Tylenol. No. But still, you shake up
the bag and then scoop the bag and test that.
Or find the one person that you could live without.
There you go first. You go here. Do you want
to bump? All right, Tony. Dude, I got 10 hits
of acid once, and Jason Rouse was like, where'd
you get it from? I'm like, just some guy. I don't
test it. He goes, we want to test for you? So
I gave him one, and he came back two hours later.
It's great. I'm like, here's your tip. Here's
another one for later. I mean, legalizing it
would save everybody. You could just get it from
CVS. But there would definitely be people who
died. Oh, yeah. The question is, like, Do more
die from it being legal than die from it being
illegal. I mean, if cocaine's legal, that would
be wild. I'd break it out. I'd do it. I'd do
it. It wouldn't be cut. It would be coke. I mean,
pure. Yeah. You could make it. It's not like
it's expensive to make. You just say, I mean,
I don't know, but he's an expert. I mean, it's
expensive to make, but it's not like you can't
sell it and make a profit, is my point. Dia said
the only reason people overdose is because of
the cut. Because in the pure days, nobody OD'd
on it. Really? That's what he says, and he's
more of an expert than I am. Mmm. Fat cokehead.
He knows things. Exactly. But it's one of those
things where you're telling me I can have whiskey,
but you're telling me I can't have pot. You're
telling me, you know, and then, well, pot? We're
going to legalize pot? What about mushrooms?
Oh, we're not ready for that yet. Who are you?
Who are you? Who the fuck are you? I'm 55 years
old. Who was some other man my age to tell me
what I can and can't do? Shut the fuck up, dude.
Yeah, that's America, dude. Let's go. I pay my
taxes, bitch. I'm a good citizen. Fuck off. This
is nonsense. And if you let them do it with that,
then they can do it with other shit. When they
got you wearing a mask while you're on KTLA.
What does other countries do? Don't other countries
allow heroin and shit? Portugal dropped way...
They decriminalized things. They saw a much lower
case of addictions. Violence. Violence. Crime
drops. You put the same money you were putting
into fighting the crimes, fighting the drugs,
you put that into rehab and therapy for the people
who can't handle it. Oh, I like it. Which is
what we should do here. Yeah. I would try heroin
in a second. I would try heroin. Safe heroin.
That's not going to help. God, I want legal best.
I just want to see what it's all about. Safe,
clean heroin. Just a little snort. Ooh, now we're
talking. Shut up, Mark. You won't even eat that
chocolate. Yeah, Mark. Well, I don't want to
say I don't want to go full Michael Richards
on it. Go Michael Richards. I've lost a few people
to those pills, though. Which pills? Oxy's. The
red pill? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Those are bad.
And no one cares about that. It's like a huge
epidemic. It's scary shit, man. Because the senator's
wives are all doing them. Oh, yeah. Fucking do
something about it. Oh, so many people are doing
them. Oh, my back. Bam. And you're on. Brett
Favre got addicted to it. It's hard to say. Like,
you guys give me painkillers now. I can't stop.
Yeah. Help me out. And if you had a mild dose
every day, just a mild scooching through life
with a little... Yeah, Favre's got a hog. No,
he doesn't. He's got a hog. Jamie, bring up Brett
Favre's dick. Don't put it on screen. Put it
for us. He's got a real pig skin. I promise you
he doesn't. It's a picture that went around.
Just Google it on your phone. He was like one
of the first dick pics ever. Just do it on your
phone so I don't have to see it. No, show it.
Make Joe see it. Tape his eyes open. Eyes wide
shut. Yeah, I think he sent it to a comic. He
sent it to the girl who became a comic, yeah.
Quigley? Oh, she became a comic after she saw
his dick? Isn't it funny that our dream is everyone's
last -ditch effort on their way down? It's like,
they can't seem to get rid of those guys. Maybe
it'll be one of them. Yeah. Brent Favre's dick
is minuscule. Wait a minute. Come on. Minuscule?
He's going to want to come on the podcast and
defend himself. That is not a football game.
He's like, listen. No! I feel great. That's the
one he's been looking at, the top left on the
related. He's like, listen, I was on pills. I
was really tired. He's no packer. By the way,
dick size means nothing. Brett Favre is the man,
other than embezzling some money out of him.
The state of Mississippi. No, that ruled. What
did he do? That ruled. Uh -oh. What did he do?
I think he made a lot of, I think he took COVID
relief. Give me one of them pouches. I'm still
trying to figure out if I can actually survive.
You fuck. We better ring that cooler in here.
Every time I've tried to use one of these, I
go. Zim, it kills you. It gets me all fucking
pass out -y. You're going to have a jolt. The
taste of it is what gets me. Let's think we got,
you got nicotine, you got alcohol. Yeah, this
is how we get true, dude. Mushrooms, whiskey.
It's mixing. It's mixing is the problem. I'm
not ready. You sound like a meth monk. Those
guys must be going wild. They're grinding their
teeth while humming. Thanks, sir. Oh, off the
mic, folks. Yeah, Brett Favre is the man, dude.
I forgive him for what he did in Mississippi.
So what did he do here? Brett Favre got $6 million
in welfare funds for a volleyball stadium? By
the way, who wrote this article? Pittman. Anthony
Pittman. And William Pittman. Two brothers. I'm
sure they're his husband. Are they? Oh. Are you
sure? No, they look alike. What about, maybe
they're brothers. Could be brothers. Brothers
in butt sacks. So does that, do you not want
only gay dudes who try to tear down Brett Favre?
Oh, well let's see what he said. Fudgebacker.
I don't like that he made me feel a crack. What
did he actually do? Did he? No, he took a bunch
of money for whatever, and then he made a volleyball
stadium for the college he went to. Southern
Miss. Is that so wrong? Allegedly. Did he know?
No, I think it was just a fund he put his name
on. I don't think he was embezzling it. Imagine
if you're a part of something, you don't know
how they're running it, and then you find out
they're taking welfare money and building the
most frivolous bullshit thing. People are starving
to death, and they're homeless. Girls, volleyball
needs a stadium. Yeah, but volleyball and my
kid, this is a school. We can get the money this
way if we just sign a couple of lines. I don't
know enough about it. about what the allegations
are. Don't just make up facts. I feel like he
was just barely associated with it. He wasn't
running it out there. Of course he wasn't running
it. If you're in Mississippi and you're turning
on Favre, you suck. You suck. The only thing
he ever did wrong was giving up that free sack
to that guy to set the record. That was bullshit.
You ever hear him talk about how many concussions
he's had? No. He talks like Biden. It's crazy.
He said he's had like a hundred. Wow. CTE, no
joke. See, I know we talked about it recently.
See if you can find, there was an article recently
about how many concussions he's had. He said
a thousand. A thousand! That's wrong. In a radio
interview, Favre estimated that he suffered from
an astounding 1 ,000 concussions. How do you
know it's wrong? Sounds like something Beetlejuice
would say. Okay, let's do the math. 1 ,000 concussions?
Until recently, he believed he only suffered
three concussions because that was the number
of times he was knocked unconscious. 50 a year?
Wow, that's a lot. But dude, he's playing football
all the time. No, he didn't get 1 ,000. No, he
didn't get 1 ,000. Come on. 1 ,000 concussions,
he would be dead. No. Do you understand what
a concussion actually is? Do you know if you
get punched in the body, you can get a concussion?
Oh, boy. Here we go. No, literally. You easily
would. You would die. No, literally. You would
pass away. You would be concussed by that harsh
statement. Ouch! You were around for leather
helmets. You got funnier since this fucking thing
came out, too. He's more loose! He's back! Big
six million number and the Holocaust is forgiven.
Maybe I was wrong. It's not real. Only he can
say that. It's the perfect time for you. This
is your time, Ari. You're having a moment. Common
misconceptions about concussions. Concussions
require head trauma. While severe blow to the
head will often result in a concussion, it's
not a requirement for the diagnosis. A person
can have a concussion by sudden acceleration
or decelerated change of movement. Most commonly,
this is a whiplash motion. I think I got it.
I got hit in the lip in an Uber. I'll admit,
a lift. And somebody hit us from behind. It went
like that. The whole rest of the day. You didn't
want to say lift. Yeah, it's cheap. No more lifts.
I'm doing better now that I have four more than
it hits. We'll throw a lift. It's fine. But anyway,
the whole rest of the day, I couldn't concentrate.
It was cloudy. Concussions can cause you to lose
your memory. It's possible to experience some
memory deficits, particularly of the events leading
up to a moment of concussion. However, memory
loss is not required for a diagnosis. Now, if
you just take into account how many times he
collided with enormous men. How many super athletes?
Can you have seven in a practice? Oh, yeah. In
a three -hour practice? Yeah, definitely. Well,
then maybe I believe it. You 100 % can sparring.
Seven concussions in a day? I've been dinged
up sparring and gone right back in with another.
We always used to do that. We used to get rocked.
If that's the case, I've had several concussions.
I don't know. I've had a lot of them. I know
I've had a lot of them. Dang. I've never been
knocked unconscious, but I got TKO'd in a kickboxing
match. So that's definitely one. Kick to the
head? No, it was a punch. And then I got dropped
with a left hook. Then he finished me off with
an uppercut after I got up. And that is just
one. Pull it up. But that's nothing compared
to all the other times I got hit in just training.
Yeah. He said, Brett Favre says you get tackled
and your head hits the turf. You see flashes
of light are ringing in your ears, but you're
able to play. That's a concussion. Yeah, that's
a concussion. They're still able to do it. Wow.
So based on that, he said, I've suffered thousands.
Had to be because every time I headed the turf,
there was ringing or stars going, flashbulbs.
Wow. But I was still able to play. 100%. Guys,
I was wrong. I admit I was wrong. I'm a big man.
Thank you. And I'm able to admit that I was wrong.
Far of rules. And he has had over a thousand.
Sorry I said his dick was minuscule. It's a decent
dick. It's a fine penis. You just didn't know
you were supposed to harden it up. It's an absolutely
fine penis. Imagine if every time you got punched,
your dick shrank a little bit. Oh, that's my.
excuse. Imagine that. You could be the champion
of the world. Yeah, every time you got punched.
Even if you win the fight. You retire. You start
out with 10 inches. And every time you get ding,
ding. Quarter inch. You do a press conference.
How did you feel your performance was? It was
good. I lost an eighth inch. Look at him. I'm
a dick, but I'm pretty happy. Look at him. He's
like, fuck, you gotta get better to get back
in the game. Poor guy. How hard did he go down?
Good for him. Look at him stiff -arming this
guy. What a fucking warrior. Got rid of it. Helping
girls volleyball. Oh, bam. You see his head go
down? Oh, my God. And he's just holding it. And
his head just bounces off the ground. And those
helmets are supposed to protect you. Got a face
mask. No, no, it doesn't really. Oh, my God.
That's such a hard hit. They did start protecting
quarterbacks. Oh, he holds his head. Oh, my God.
Look at him. Poor guy. Make that thing fill with
pillows. Yeah, it doesn't. It's not as bad as
your skull hitting the ground, but the impact
in the brain is the same. It's hard stuff. So
it protects the skull, but the impact inside
of the head is the same. It's worse with the
helmets. With the leather helmets, they actually
had less concussion. I don't know. I used to
think that too, but then I read this thing about
rugby guys. Those guys are getting fucking bad
CTV. Back in the day, dudes would die. No. Oh,
yeah. It was mostly whitey. Yeah, whiteys kill
each other, too. Whiteys are kind of the best
at killing. Are you taking notes? True. Genocide.
They kill the most people. A lot of genocide.
The British, my God. Stop doing this, dude. It's
a podcast. Come on. This is bad radio. What are
you doing, Ari? Nothing. Do you like me for real?
Yes or no? I'm telling you, he got funnier, dude.
This is never up to this, dude. No. He's better.
All his jokes are like, I'm going to say something
crazy. Now he's funny. Do you feel better? I
feel better getting this thing out. Yeah. Yeah,
I got it out. People are loving it, but I'm just
like. But you like feel personally better. You
seem like you feel better. You're lighter. Yeah,
it was an incompletion that I, you know. And
now you got to ride it. You got to ride the wave
because you can slope down again. Yeah. So you
got to keep it up. Look at these fucking filling
your head with poison. No, I'm just saying, stay
on the wave. Don't talk to guys like that. This
could fall apart. I hope you saved your money.
It could. You got to ride the wave, especially
right now. You're not going to leave for like
a month or anything, are you? Don't go to Guatemala.
I am going for a few weeks out. What are you
doing? I'm just going to get lost for a few weeks.
You got to ride the wave. I'm not riding the
wave. I just did a Joe Rogan episode. Are you
crying? There goes your career. Are you crying
because you're so happy? No one deserves it less,
honestly. Hear, hear. I can't believe it's working
out for you. I was in there trying to respond
to comments and keep the thing going. A lot of
them was like, Joe keeps talking about this guy.
And I was like, finally, I'll give him a chance.
And I guess for once he was right. For once?
What the fuck? It was a nasty thing to say to
me and Mark. Ouch. I didn't know you would be
like this. What about the sex? Is it better now
that you have some money? I got $22 ,000 on YouTube.
Is the sex better now that you've got some money?
Which isn't green. No, it makes it worse. Yeah,
it was fun. Poor fucking. Poor fucking's great.
Poor fucking is the best. Poor fucking's only
great when you're not poor anymore. When you
look back, oh, that poor fucking was amazing.
When you're poor fucking, you're like, God, I
hope I didn't get her pregnant. What time is
it? I am hungry. How much money do I have in
the bank? $5? That chlamydia pill is not cheap
either. And a lot of stinky veg out there. Also,
you're happy, but you're not happy because you're
still trying to get to the thing. The thing is,
people get a little bit of success. They go,
oh, it was fun back in the day when I didn't
know. But it wasn't then. It's only fun now.
It's like second. hand fun. There's levels of
fun. Steve Rinella taught me this. There's fun
where it's fun while you're doing it, like a
roller coaster, but you never talk about that.
Remember when we went on that roller coaster?
There's certain things that fucking suck while
you're doing them, but then afterwards, they're
fun to talk about. They're fun for years. I remember
I used to open for Louie, and he'd be like, I
would kill to be in your position, just running
around, doing sets. You know they're laughing
at you because you're actually funny. It's not
because you're a celebrity. Then when he got
canceled, I was like, hey, you're back. He didn't
like that. It is true that you just have to focus
on the good parts. All those young comics, you
should appreciate it. There was some great times.
The problem with those young comics is we don't
know if they're going to make it. That's one
of the scariest things about our business. We
are salmon going up that waterfall, and there's
a shit ton of bears up there. Not all of us make
it. Most of us don't make it. You got out of
a bear's mouth. I got right in the bear's mouth.
What's up? You guys been there? Oh, we got three
bears out there right now. Woo. Oh, yeah. Your
people love salmon. I fucking hate you guys,
dude. If you don't get canceled by the comedy
community, if they're still fucking with you,
you just get through it. You just get through
it. Yeah, you got through it. And now people
get to see. Now, like, what's the big deal? Oh,
they see it. Like, oh, he's a fucking talented
artist. Shane fucking set the groundwork for
it. For real. You're an artist. He is. I think
he's an artist. I don't know about artists. It's
just we're a weird kind of artist. It sounds
gross when you say it. Autistic integrity. Every
other artist is happy you call them an artist.
You call a comic an artist. They have to be pretentious.
I'm making a lot of dick jokes. The guy's a Subway
sandwich artist. When you tell Dom Ireri he's
an artist, he's like, what is this? What are
you doing with these words? He was a funny guy.
Oh, he still is. Dom's an animal. Sounds great.
Don Marrera from the Rodney Dangerfield special.
That's right. That's what we should bring back
at the Mothership. Those were killer. Do like
a Rodney Dangerfield style comedy special. Young
Comedian special. Yeah. 100%. Kinnison, Hicks,
Seinfeld. Yes, yes. Lenny Clark. Don Marrera.
Who else? Lots of people. Lots of people. Robert
Townsend. Here's some people you should know.
Roseanne, that's how she popped. Robert Schimmel.
Schimmel was so funny. Schimmel was the man.
Because Kinison went from Bob, I think he was
on Bob Nelson and Saget's. And they're funny,
but they're doing like that style, that 80s style
comedy. And Kinison's like, hey, I'm going to
completely mix this up. Oh, yeah. You see his
Letterman? It's unreal. He goes into the audience.
Letterman's just like, it's because you know
he saw him at the store. Yeah. And so he goes,
guys, this next guy, like he's presenting to
a crowd. Let's play it. Let's play it. Play Kinison
on Letterman. Enjoy. I don't know. Yeah, Chris
Rock said he's the first guy to change the format.
Who? He did. Kenison. Kenison. Yeah. He was the
first guy to let me know that you could do that.
Before he played that, hold on a second. He was
an old comic. Let me tell you this. This is a
story that, this is how I've told the story on
the podcast. If you've heard it, I'm sorry. I
was working as a fitness trainer at the Boston
Athletic Club. I was 19 years old. And there
was this girl that worked the front desk. She
was hilarious. This fucking real Boston girl.
She was like a volleyball player. Big fucking
strong girl. She was hilarious though. Like real
brash. Sounds hot. She was hot. She was hot.
I like the Boston accent. So her and I were talking.
She goes, oh my God, you got to see this fucking
comedian, Sam Kinison. I saw him last night.
It's so funny. She goes outside in the parking
lot and she redoes his bit about homosexual necrophilia.
We're paying money to spend time with the freshest
male corpse. This girl's on her stomach in the
parking lot going, oh, oh, you mean life keeps
fucking in the ass even after you're dead? It
never ends. I am doubled over laughing. Just
me and her in the parking lot. And then I went
and found the special at a video store. That's
nuts. A recreation of it. Yeah. Wow. That's crazy.
Her recreation of it got me into Kinnison. Wait,
wait, before you press play. He looks exactly
like Demi Lovato giving a tour of her house.
That smile. That crazy smile. Looks like Jim
Carrey pretending to be David Letterman. Right.
That's what he looks like. Look at him. He was
a funny guy. Okay, well, we're in for something
now, folks. My next guest is making his network
television debut tonight, and we believe it's
long overdue. He is one of the strangest and
most original comedians working today. Brace
yourselves. I'm not kidding. Please welcome Sam
Kinison. that's a great intro do they already
know him he's got screams look at this swagger
look at the swagger car accident his head up
and he changed he used to be a pastor there's
still time to call the church and call all this
off i know a lot of you come here you watch tv
you wait every night For somebody to come on
here and give you an answer for your lives, waiting
for someone that'll come and say, hey, this is
it. I don't have to settle for defeat anymore.
I can rise up out of my routine. I can get a
hold of myself. I don't have to lose. I can win.
There's something inside me that's not going
to let me go down anymore. But I'm not the guy.
No, I don't have any answers for you. but I can
tell you about one thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, you
think you're safe, huh? You people over here,
you think you're safe? Do you think you're safe?
What's your name? Lou? He's doing crowd work.
Lou, you ever been married? Confidence. It's
like, all right. Will you do me a favor? Well,
this is a bit he used to do. If you ever think
you want to get married, if you ever think you've
met the right woman, you want to settle down,
you want to get a house, you want to get a car,
maybe raise a family, do me a favor, will you,
Lou? Remember this face. That's why I was like,
yeah, he's wearing a fucking football jersey.
Look at that guy clapping so hard against his
wife. That was the opener. That guy lived for
six months off that. They get to go back to work
and go, Kinnison, they gestured to me. Yeah,
where's this guy? That's not me, all right? I'm
trying to help here. I'm trying to do a good
thing. I was married for two years. My life was
so boring, I actually worried about my yard.
That's my friends with goals, careers, visions.
We're doing things with our lives. I was out
there looking for crabgrass. Weeds and stuff.
Going, I have a responsibility to the neighborhood.
There is a weed here. And then that doesn't happen.
You have kids. Have you seen those guys? Those
guys in the malls with the strollers. Have you
seen them? With that look on their face like
they envy the dead. It's so harsh. It's so bleak.
Yeah. It's so bleak. I buy it every time, though,
I swear I do. I buy it every time. I love women.
I can't help it. I buy it every time. Love comes
to me and goes, come on. Come on. Yes, this is
love. Yeah, come on. Trust it. I know you've
been in love before. This is love. I wouldn't
lie to you eight times in a row. Come on. Come
on, open the door. Let's see what we have for
you. Oh, he lied to me again! I keep going for
that same kind of love, too, man, that Van Gogh
kind of love. You know, we walk in, you go, hey,
you owe me so much, I don't even want to pay
now! I know half America right now is going,
what are we watching? What kind of comedy is
this? Is this the man that was prophesied to
come out of the sea and control this headache?
No. No, I'm not him. I'm just a comic with some
weird fashion choices, but... Say what? Those
chocolates hit just in time for this. Read your
Bibles, your New Testaments, your Taurus, your
Taurus, whatever you think will protect you.
You're not safe. But I'm trying to help I do
the best I can folks. That's where I do. I do
the best I can Like this world hunger thing.
I'm really involved with it Just like you I see
the same commercials as little kids out there
Hungry now watch this on TV at I'm home. I'm
going gone. You know, I'm a son throw it how
cruel Because I know the film crew could give
this kid a sandwich This is like the evolution
of that bit, right? Because you're seeing the
early, early stages of that bit. Come on, you
know there's a director five feet away going,
don't beat him yet! That's good. Carlin said
he saw that bit and he was like, oh shit, he
got nervous. Like, I gotta step it up. Wow. We're
losing daylight, we are losing daylight! Losing
potential. But I'm not trying to make fun of
World Hunger. If you want to do something about
World Hunger, I think I have an answer. I think
a lot of people are adopting this attitude. You
want to do something about World Hunger? Stop
sending them food. I mean, that's network television.
I'll be the first. Stop sending them food. Don't
send them any more food. You want to help these
people? Send them U -Hauls. Send them boxes,
you know, some luggage. Send them a guy out there
who goes, hey! Hey, you know, we just drove 750
miles across the desert with your food, and it
occurred to us that there wouldn't be roll hunger
if you people would live where the food is! You
live in a desert! Do you understand that? You
live in a desert! Nothing grows there! Nothing
grows there! Oh, the swing! How much time did
he do? Let me see. He went as long as he could
go. They played him in the middle of a word.
He did two bits. They're like, he's done, he's
done. Get him off. He did marriage and then the
food bit. What year was that, Jamie? 85. Man,
you were what, 31? No. 85. Shit was about to
change. I was 18. That was his network television
debut. He had done Young Comedians. And I found
out about him when I was 19. I found out about
him in 86 when he did HBO. So it was all popping.
He hadn't done any TV? I think that was his first
television appearance, period. What were there,
18 comics back then? There's like 1 ,000 now.
There's probably like 50 then. The ball's on
David Letterman to go. I think that was in the
middle, but if that was in the 80s, you've got
to realize that was the comedy boom. There was
comedy clubs everywhere. There was a lot of comedy
clubs. There was five of them in one block area
of Boston. Jesus. In 88 in Boston, there was
Nick's Comedy Stop, then there was a Comedy Connection,
and then above the Comedy Connection was the
Comedy Club at the Charles, and then across the
street was Duck Soup. It was called Duck Soup,
and then half a block away was Dick Daugherty's
Comedy Vault. Yeah. There had to be somebody
going, hey, I'm going to be the guy who talks
normal, who's not like a comedian. Not Cosby.
Yeah, not like doing the standard shit, and he
just saw a void. Well, he was a preacher, right?
And he had rage. He figured out a way to take
that preacher energy and convert it into comedy.
And then he's hanging out with all these rock
stars. Because he did these late night sets at
the store, that's how he became infamous. People
would come see him, and they were like, where's
that guy? What time is he going up? And it was
like a word of mouth thing. They would go to
see the Kinison set. To this day, they call it
the Kinison set. The late night. The late night
spot. Really? He'd come in at 1230, no one cared.
Drunk with his friends, with like six or seven
top level stars. You saw him? No, no, no. Oh.
I got there years after he died. When did he
die? He died in, I want to say like 92. Oh. Yeah.
Somewhere around then. But they said he'd bring
people from the rain room. They'd all party.
So no one cared because he's like, you're not
really bumping anybody. It's 1230. There's just
poppins anyway. Right. And he'd make it suddenly
get packed. He died in 92. He died. I remember
when he died because I was in New York and I
was in my apartment and it was on MTV News. Whoa.
Oh my God. I remember not hearing about it because
I was in Yeshiva. So you got to realize it wasn't
even a 10 year run. So from 86 to 92 is when
he was big. He was already topped off. Not just
topped off, but heavily declined. If you listen
to his first special, and then, well, he's got
like the album. Louder Than Hell. The album's
good. Louder Than Hell's good. You can only get
it on cassette now. I got that one on vinyl.
Whoa. It's hard to get. That's a good find. And
then there was the special, the HBO special.
What was that called? Young Comedian Special.
Oh, maybe that one's Louder Than Hell. No, no,
no. Louder Than Hell is definitely the cassette.
And then there was the HBO special. And then
it was like a year and a half or so later, he
put out a new special, and it was not good. It
was rough. Was that the girls on chains he brought
in? He bought into who he was. Exactly. He got
audience capture. So Louder Than Hell was 86.
Breaking the Rules was 87, and that one was not
good. Have You Seen Me Lately, 88, also not good.
The rest of them are not good. Isn't that sad,
huh? It's sad. He was just partying. Yeah. You've
got to work at it. You've ever read Brother Bill?
Bill Kennison wrote it. His brother Bill. It's
really good. Brother Sam it's called. The book's
called Brother Sam. But his brother wrote this
book about what happened, and he's real honest
about it. He stopped writing. He used to write
constantly. He always had new material, but then
he was partying and doing coke and hanging out
with Jon Bon Jovi, making music videos. He was
the talk of the town. He forgot the work that
goes into it. That's every star. They just forget.
Get the work that goes into it. But it wasn't
even 10 years, man. It was right away. That's
what's crazy. 86 to 92. That's his heyday. There
were 38 and a half comics back then. Now you're
right. There wasn't many. Damn. Didn't he get
hit by a drunk driver? Yep. How funny is that?
After he did jokes about drunk driving. We're
going to drink. We're going to drive. We're going
to pull it off because we do it every fucking
night. This guy was not in the show. He was coming
the other way. He wasn't in the show. You ever
think about the amount of times you drank and
drove and just made it? I came back from a Stanhope
show at King King or somewhere in Hollywood,
running back to the comic store for the last
call, drunk, hit someone in front of the Saddle
Ranch. What? And I was like, oh, this exchange
insurance is trying to keep it together. A cop
slowed down, and I was like, we're good, we're
good, we're good. Holy shit. I'm like, no, no,
we're good. Damn, I sideswiped a bunch of cars
once with my mom's Lexus. And she was like, what
happened? I was like, car was parked. Somebody
sideswiped me. Wow. Now she knows. Now she knows.
Don't believe your son. God damn it, Mark. She's
dead, Jesse D. Oh, she played a lot of football?
Oh, yeah. She loved those black players. I thought
you were going to say pigskin. Oh, yeah. I thought
you were going to go with pigskin. Where's he
going to go with this one? I tossed you a ball.
He didn't have any. That's hard. That's hard.
That's what he came up with. Let's play that
back. Let me redo that. I think I've lit this
thing up 14 times. Can I tell you guys how excited
I've been for doing this? I can't get high like
you guys. Yeah, you can. Just stop being a pussy.
I literally walked out that door like. Those
things are, I don't know why. That's a little
stronger than people. That's a wonky joint, too.
I've been doing that a little bit every day.
Building a tolerance. A little bit. I don't think
it's a tolerance. It puts me in a nice place.
Just pass it. Hey, public service announcement.
If somebody hands you a joint and you don't smoke,
don't fucking talk about you're on your own smoke.
Just fucking pass it on. Ari Shafir Jew, it's
available right now on YouTube. I was in the
middle of a talk on climate change. I cut a promo
in the middle of a talk on climate change. This
guy was talking about climate change, bringing
up charts. I'm setting him up. How bad are candles?
I'm like, are candles bad? He's like, oh, terrible,
terrible for the environment. I go, interesting.
Because Ari Shaffir, we played a clip with all
the candles. Pitch and hold a promo into a fucking
talk with a scientist. That was great. You could
see him not knowing where to go. He's like, okay.
Because up until that moment, I had been totally
straight, asking questions. So what is it about
that? And what's causing it? What percentage
is this? Yeah. And then we cut to Harry Shafir
Jew on YouTube. And he's sitting there not knowing
what to do. What do you say? The bears are dying.
If you're not Jewish and someone starts talking
about Jewish people, right now people just shut
the fuck up. Oh, yeah. Just shut the fuck up
and let them talk. Don't interrupt. Oh, yeah.
It's hot button. Let them run that weather. Yeah.
We had the hot oven. Now we're on the hot button.
Oh, let them go. You got to promote, you know?
Netflix, if you do a Netflix bill, I don't think
they push you. You know what, man? It's not worth
it anymore. If you're a guy like Ari, the best
possible way. If you're a guy who can get a big
chunk of money like Dave Chappelle, I get it.
Or low level. But even if you're low level, if
you get on YouTube and people find out about
it. If they find out, yeah. But the thing is,
it gets demonetized. As long as they're not taking
them down, though, your purpose is getting served.
YouTube is good about it for stand -up. They
should be. They should be. I mean, stand -up
is, look, it's just like movies. You know, when
Quentin Tarantino has Brad Pitt smashing some
girl's face into a mantelpiece. Yeah. Is that
really happening? No, it's not happening. Do
you still enjoy the movie? Yes, you enjoy the
movie, because it's not real. The same thing
with stand -up. These aren't real opinions, you
fucking idiots. Someone over there explained
to me their algorithm on stand -up, where it's
like, oh, you said this word, and this is a negative,
this is a hate speech, whatever, and they go,
look again, it's on stage, like, okay, let it
go. That's good. They're the best ones. Well,
that's good. They should be. They have a wealth
of stand -up material. If you're a comic and
you love classic comedy, there's no better place
on earth than YouTube. No, you got that right.
Every fucking special that's ever been, all the
Kinison specials, all the Bill Hicks stuff, everything's
available. You know what I watched the other
day? I watched his Bill Hicks. It's all on YouTube.
You're right. It was like a one night stand.
Remember they used to do those? Oh, I love those.
It was like you did like a half an hour on HBO.
Yeah, half an hour on HBO. They called them one
night stands. Where are you going to do your
next special? Where are you going to put this
one? I don't know, man. YouTube job. I haven't
even looked at it. Come to the dark side. I think
I might. Come to YouTube. I haven't even looked
at it. You can put your own shit out. You can
do your own network like a Louis thing. Or I
could just put it everywhere for free. Yeah.
YouTube. You're broke, right? A hundred million
people will see your special. You need some money.
A hundred million people will see your hard work.
Thank God I don't look at my Twitter inbox. I
bet there's some hot ladies in there. We'll find
out, Mark Norman. Look around. I'll jerk off
to that inbox. I'll give you the passage. Please.
Yeah, I don't know what to do with my spot. I
haven't even had to, I just wanted to record
it. I recorded it, and when I've got a sufficient
amount of new material where I can do like a
new set, I've probably got like 15 minutes now
that seems to be working. Then you'll put it
out. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to
do. I got an angle for your body. I love being
able to do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'm
enjoying that. I'm enjoying that. People are
talking about, like, where's Joe going to do
it? Like, they can't offer him enough money to
change his, like, they can't give him $700 million
for a special. No. So, like, it's not about the
money. It's about what? People seeing it? Well,
that's one of the reasons why I decided to buy
a club. I was like, if you were that guy and
you had that kind of money and you could do something
like that, if you were a comic, you'd be like,
God, if I had that money, you know what I'd love
to do? I'd love to open up a club and do it the
right way. But no one ever does it. Right, right,
right. So you've got that. You're supposed to
do it. I have to do it. It's like part of the
plot. I gotta do it. See, even when I'm there,
like where we're there today, we're looking around,
I don't believe it's real. I'm like, this can't
be real. That's all I got. I just say it to keep
acting. You gotta get a monocle. Jamie, what
are you doing over there? Jamie, what are you
chewing on? He's nibbling on some caps. Hey,
Shane, Shane, are you gone right now? Is that
what's going on? Dude, I am gone. I'm totally
gone. When we were watching Kiddleston, I was
like, why are you letting Shane talk for half
an hour more? I've been smiling the whole time.
I'm fucking gone. Sorry. I haven't talked once.
I've been sitting there going, yeah. It's a nice
feeling. I mean, it feels good. I don't know
how good it is for the listener. They're going
to be fine. They're having a great time. Those
titles will be on tomorrow. If you're a guy who's
sitting there with his headphones on doing some
menial task, you're in your fucking glory right
now. You're having fun. Do you guys consume pods?
I listen like five a day. Yeah, I've been doing
a lot of audiobooks over the last six or seven
months. But before that, I was really pod heavy.
I probably listened to six pods total in my life.
I really love Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon's one of
my favorite guys. Adam Friedman Show. Liz Fair
on this podcast. I'm trying to think what else.
The Mencia ones on Mary. And then maybe a fucking
This American Life one. Radio Lab one. That Mencia
one's killer. Bobby Lee confronted Mencia on
an app. And that was, whoo, was that tense. He
calls them out. It's fun. Bobby Lee's funny,
huh? I hope he puts something out. He's been
saying he's going to. It's not going to happen.
It's not his style. He's putting stuff out on
his podcast. Yeah, he's definitely doing that.
Well, it's a closer, right? I don't want to give
it away. Go see Bobby Lee. Or not. We might have
ate too many mushrooms. Yeah, we ate too many
mushrooms, dude. We're going to get through this.
This sucks. I'm just getting started. No, no,
no. We'll get through this. We'll be all right.
Don't be scared. We'll be all right. I think
we can drink our way out of this. You got that
right. I think we definitely can. When Brian
Simpson was challenging you to a drinking contest,
I was scared for him. Oh, my God. I was trying
to egg him on. He was going with it, man. I was
trying to egg him on. I was surprised. He was
going with it. He said he could do one shot for
every Bud Light I drank. That's crazy. You know
how goddamn crazy that is? He would die. But
Brian is game. He was ready to go. He was ready
to go. He's a Marine. I was like, you're a Marine,
dude. Of course you could. He dug his heels in.
He dug his heels in and he was ready to go. Are
we wearing sunglasses everywhere? I knew you
guys were going to do this. The room's getting
a little fuzzy. You know what I mean. You brought
those chocolates out. I said, this is not good.
She's got the dice glasses. Whoa. Anthony Aiden.
Bobby Kelly hooked me up with this guy. I was
going to say, you look like Bobby Kelly. Yeah,
I can see it. I saw Bobby had them. Bobby had
a pair of them. Bobby's glasses are beautiful.
He's like, oh, I'll connect you. Bobby did a
cycle. There it is. He's got to do more than
one. Bobby looks good. He looks great. He got
it sucked right out of him. Yeah, it's nice to
see he's getting healthy. He's got a special
out. Yes, he does. Kill box. We were talking
about the little room at the mothership. Like,
that's going to be a kill box. Oh, yeah. That's
what I got the name. Good looking room. Him and
Louie came up with that concept because Louie
was like, what kind of room do you like to work
in? He's like, just a fucking kill box. Yeah.
Just tight, low ceiling. And so they just made
that. That wasn't even at a comedy club. They
put that all together. They were in Tampa. What?
And during his first show, he's taping two shows,
taping two specials. During his first taping,
the first taping, a woman has a fucking seizure.
Whoa. He said he's two minutes in with his acting.
He goes 10 minutes in. Somebody goes, help her.
Somebody help her. Help her. Help her. He's like,
what? What? Julia seizure. And so they take this
lady away and they continue. That's actually
what it was named after. Julia seizure. Is that
right? Yeah, he had it. He had a seizure? I'm
out, dude. I can't talk. Wait, is that a joke
or no? No, I'm serious. No, I'm serious. I think
it's named after him. Julius Caesar was epileptic.
What about the salad? Yeah, for sure. It's spelled
the same way. Is the salad him? Did he do the
salad? I don't know about the salad. All right.
Check out the salad there, J -Mo. You would think
that someone who ran the Roman Empire would get
a better salad. Yeah, it's a shitty salad, isn't
it? It's not a good salad. It's a pretty good
salad. It's like the best salad. It's not a Hall
of Fame salad. It's a pretty good salad. All
right. I never feel like I'm getting nutrients.
Seizures. He suffered from seizures related to
epilepsy. Whoa, you're right. I thought you were
joking. No. Oh, my God. I don't joke anymore.
I don't go around jokes anymore. No way. Is that
why they stabbed him? Dude, I totally thought
you were joking. They stabbed an EpiPen into
him? I thought, I'm like, he's being silly. Hey,
John, have you heard? You know why? Because that's
exactly what Tony Hinchcliffe would have done.
That's like a Tony Hinchcliffe line. What, that's
how they came up with it? Yeah. That's crazy.
Wow. I would have never guessed that. What about
the salad? So, yeah, who came up with the salad?
The salad started in Mexico. I like that sweater.
Clever. Oh, I see. Tijuana even, maybe, I think.
Oh, shit. Caesar salad starting in Tijuana. That's
crazy. We haven't had an assassination in a while.
Jesus, Norm. It just took us on a dark turn.
Well, we used to have assassinations like once
every eight years or so. We haven't had one.
Yeah, so you stand up, you walk around, you start
looking around. Tijuana, Mexico. All right, stay
seated. Don't get up. The levels is when you
get fucked up. I had a piss, but it did go away.
I stood up, and I went to the bathroom, and I
thought I heard your dog crying, and I looked
for your dog in the bathroom for a long time.
Your wife's here? I was like, bandit? Caesar
salad invented in Tijuana, Mexico in the 1920s.
A green salad of romaine with a highly seasoned
dressing of pounded anchovies, olive oil, lemon
juice, egg, and parmesan cheese. Get some salad
on a podcast. You know, remember when I changed
my tune halfway through, I was like, I love a
Caesar salad. Have you ever taken drugs and just
stared at this fucking ceiling alone? Don't do
it, the constellations. Maybe the Indians were
on some peyote or eating some leaves or some
shit when they were looking up at the stars.
100%. Everybody was. Every culture that had access
to psychedelic drugs took them. They all did.
No one was like, hey, this is not good for our
productivity or our hunting and gathering. Let's
leave these alone. Nobody left them alone. They
all did. And they had rituals, man. Oh, yeah.
Bro, you know what I just saw? Uh -oh. Did you
see that Viking movie? Yeah, Northman. Oh, that
was great. That's all I got someone else to see
on a plane. I had no idea it was that hardcore.
That movie is fucking hardcore. It's true shit,
too. That's how they lived. Sabres. That was
a hot guy, too. He was a hot guy. I heard it
was good, but I really didn't expect that. He's
lucky I wasn't one of those villagers that he
raped. You know what was great about that movie,
too? I thought it was just laying in a hut. There
was no one that had our morals. No morals. There
was no, like... Sam Morrill. Before I get too
far, just a note. You should have a bathroom
right out here. Hold on, I got one. It's literally
down the hall. You should build a... I know,
but you should build one right there. Take a
walk, bitch. Wouldn't it be nice if you're laying
on your hay? Go pee. The Vikings are coming.
We're all going to get raped. You're like, fuck.
And then the door swings open. It's that guy.
You're like... All right. That's true. You can
do worse. Not that bad, honestly. I'm pretty
glad you got it. My archivier is so fucked up
by mushrooms, he can't walk 20 paces. Yeah, right?
He's like, you should have a bathroom right here.
It's hard. Kidman. Why don't I have a bathroom
right here? Dude, this movie's the shit. It's
really good. Is that Willem Dafoe? He's got a
huge hog. This is a very intense movie. Give
that a goob, J -Mo. Ethan Hawke's in it, too.
Oh, yeah. Hawke's good. Bro, it's a wild -ass
movie. Wild. I liked it. It'd be bombed in theaters.
It shouldn't have. Everything bombs in theaters
now. But it's like, you know, watch this shit
at home. It's worth watching. I enjoyed it, yeah.
Because I was kind of skeptical going into it.
I was like, is this going to be like a television
show about Vikings? No, but it's just enough
like fantasy and... Just ruthless reality. And
no one is a normal person of today in that movie.
They all represent those kind of people that
were just sword fighting and dying out there.
The way they talked, the way they behaved. Everyone
was sketchy. It was a wild fucking movie. It
was a good movie, man. It was a really good movie
because it wasn't a 2022 person. In the Viking
era. Yeah. And they nailed it. You know what's
weird is whenever you see a movie without phones,
you don't think about it. You're not like, where
are the phones? You just enjoy the movie. Right.
And you never dream with your phone either. What?
Like, you never ever dream where you're on your
phone. Yeah. But we're on our phones eight hours
a day, but we still don't really. Wait, you're
talking about there's no phones in the movie
about Vikings? Well, I'm just saying. Is that
what the fuck you just said? You watch, well,
obviously. What? But I'm saying if you watch
a movie now, there's no phones in it. Are you
trying to defend that? I'm trying to catch up.
He's trying to defend it. I'm saying, obviously
there's no phones in a Viking movie, but if you
watch a movie made today and there's not a lot
of phones in it, you don't go, where are the
phones? It's just a movie. I'm telling you. That
is true. That makes sense. If you do watch a
movie today about today. If you watch every show,
everybody should be looking at their phone the
entire time. That should be the whole show. Yeah,
you're right. My tweet got a retweet, whatever,
you know. It's so weird when you go to a bar
and you see everyone on their phone. Everyone.
It's so strange. New York subway, it's just phone,
phone, phone. It's wild. Everyone's just paying
attention to something else other than what's
in front of them. I know. And you can't help
it. You can't. It's like a little magnet. You
were doing it last night in the green room. I
felt like we lost you. Yeah, it's hard. I get
my notes on my phone, too. Ah, the phone notes.
I use paper. Sure, writing. Do you write on paper?
I do. Yeah? That's a good move. That's crazy.
They do say that when you write on paper that
you... Oh, that's hilarious. Look at this wad.
Don't read those. Folks, look at this joke. We'll
do some editing. That's Norman. This is amazing.
What the fuck? I can't believe you carry this
around with you. 90 % of it. Bro, you're going
to get a bad back. Oh, I got a bad sciatica.
Yeah, that's from sitting on this, you dumb fuck.
Uh -oh. Yeah. I just called it. My wallet's the
same way. My wallet's on the other side. This
is his notes that were in one of his back pockets.
And I go, bro, you're going to get a bad back.
Front pocket. Dude, I have sciatica. This is
like the Dead Sea Scrolls. He's not doing this
by accident. This is real. That's the Koran.
It's got blue sweat from his blue jeans. No,
don't throw it out. Don't throw it out. Look
at the blue sweat from his blue jeans. Oh, my
God. Bro, you've been wearing these in the summer.
Easy. I need those. That's my new hour. Loose
notes? Yeah. Bro, you are a crazy person. Yeah,
that's psycho. FBI should look in your basement
immediately. About 99 % of that doesn't work.
Yeah, no shit. That's like fucking five hours
of material. That's the craziest way. That is
the fucking crazy. Three jokes. The craziest
way of marking and writing down your material
I've ever seen, ever. And I've seen a lot. This
is the newest one. You can tell that the newest
one is the new material. The nice tatters? Exactly.
This is the good one. You get the good one. That's
the new shit. Dude, you need a fanny pack just
to carry those around with you. Oh, fanny pack.
What am I, gay? Front pocket. Go front pocket
for sure. You shouldn't be scared of a fanny
pack. I know you like the fanny. It's ultimate
freedom. Dude, when you piss on Fungi, it's fucking
ridiculous. It's all weird and plastic leathery.
It's leather. Oh, come on. Fungi does rule, though.
It's high quality. It's from a company called
Roots in Canada. Oh, it's very well done. Good
band. Dice had one. Oh, really? That's how I
got this. Yeah, we sell them on higherprimate
.com because of Dice. Dice came in with sweatpants
on, and I've always been a fanny pack enthusiast.
I go, that's the nicest fanny pack I've ever
seen. I go, where'd you get that? He goes, oh,
you like this? You like this? You like this?
Have you seen what Dice is doing on Instagram?
Oh, yeah. It's great. Oh, with the thing? Oh,
my God. That's so funny. Oh, my God. I don't
have time for a picture right now. Just go up
to random people. No, sorry. I don't have time
for a picture. Oh, did you want a picture? It's
pretty great. I mean, I could if I had to. It's
kind of cold out. That's great. It's amazing.
And he just keeps doing it. He's shameless. He
did that to me years ago, and I thought he was
serious. I didn't know he was joking. I felt
bad for him. He's the original troll. It was
not mine. He is a troll. He's the best troll.
Because he was a troll that filled arenas. Oh,
yeah. He was filling fucking arenas. With a character.
And he's just as happy now being a troll. Listen,
play some of this. I'm not your driver. Sorry.
Play it from the beginning. Play it from the
beginning. Yeah, hi You are the driver that was
waiting for the picture. I'm not a driver. Sorry
Because of the hat you're wearing the yellow
hat from my film No totally awesome 80s likes
it That guy's terrified. He's being very nice.
He has to be. Dice is a big guy. This big guy
that just might... mollywop you in the middle
of New York City. Mollywop? What a great term.
Brought it back. That's a solid one. No one's
even said that since the 80s. I've never heard
it. That's great. Mollywop. That's a good one.
That's to protect our neighborhood. Speaking
of psychedelics, remember when the South Park
guys went to the Oscars on acid? Seeing them
blink was the best. They're legends. They really
are. They're so important for the... state of
comedy because they can get away like Kyle Dunnigan
and Kurt Metzger what they can do with the face
swaps we were talking about it last night there's
something about something not being real you
can get away with so much more with South Park
and with like the face swap thing because it
doesn't look at all like real people like you
know it's not really Bill Maher but it's hilarious
or the Jeff Goldblum one or the Stallone one
they're fucking hilarious and you can have these
people saying the most outrageous This seems
one step off from reality. Yeah. Damn, Ari. That's
a giant advantage. You ate a bunch of those.
I was lying. I didn't eat as many. I can't believe
you ate that many. How much did you eat? More.
I only had a couple. How many did you have? More.
Yeah, you're in trouble. We need you. You see?
This is bad fun. Just hang in there. Don't think
about it. Don't think about how high you are.
You don't fucking think about it. Just go with
it. Jamie, call up a picture of how many views
my special has. 4 .5 million. I don't know. Oh,
man. Damn. Don't be fucking lame, dude. You're
right. He's really living in that moment. Did
you think the Chappelle monologue was anti -Sem?
I didn't see it. I don't know. I assumed it was
fine. I didn't catch it. I assumed it was a comic
because there's no problem at all. I don't know.
I liked it. I thought the whole thing in the
beginning was hilarious. Yeah, I thought it was
very funny. Where he reads this thing, I do not
support anti -Semitism in any way, shape, or
form. Yeah. And that, Kanye West, is how you
buy yourself some time. Yeah. I loved it. It
was very funny. I loved the Ferguson joke. It's
genius. I loved the joke by Melania. Was anybody
actually upset? That was a whole fucking headline.
20 people, and then everyone's arguing about
the 20 people that are fake upset. Yeah, no one
cares. No one cares. Well, we're living in a
weird world where everybody can have an opinion.
And if there's a thing that is in somehow, way,
shape, or form connected to anything controversial,
there's going to be people that get upset about
it. Dave Chappelle is the number one stand -up
talking about Jews today. I give you a pass.
It's over. You're not anti -Semitic. It is over.
Go on with your life, Dave Chappelle. 4 .5 million.
That's a lot of views. That's worse than the
fucking picture I posted you did. Ari's lost.
He's lost in a world of success and mushrooms.
I hate seeing success. You've got to drink past
these shrooms, man. Do you like Angry Ari better?
You're more of a fan of Angry Ari? Yeah. Well,
sad Ari was better. I like sad Ari. Sad Ari was
always down to talk. Kept your mouth shut. Yeah,
now his phone's on fucking silent and he goes,
he's like, what? Brings his dog places. I can't
wait to see Ari posing with no shirt on, wearing
a fur coat, getting on a Learjet. I constantly
post out my shirt on. No shirt, fur coat, don't
defend this. No shirt, fur coat, getting on a
private jet. Somebody Photoshop me an O 'Connor
-McGregor picture. There you go. Have you seen
Conor McGregor's latest pictures? It's great.
Pull them up. If I was USADA, I'd be like this.
When does this guy get back on the test? Was
he fighting him? No, no. USADA is the U .S. anti
-doping agency. I thought it was a guy, too.
I thought it was like an eastern bloc. Is he
fighting that fucking Muslim? What is that? USADA.
Usman. You're thinking Usman. No, no. What's
the Usman? Oh, it's not Makachev. He's fun. Yeah,
yeah. He's fighting Volkanovski. That would be
fun. He's so funny. That's a wild little fight.
Connor's been killing on Twitter, though. Really?
Oh, my God. He's so funny. He's an animal. He's
so funny. He never stops. He's clearly intoxicated.
He's having a great time, saying some funny shit.
The funny things are listening to him talk, because
he's from Dublin. And when he gets drunk and
starts talking, look how jacked he is. Wait,
that's him? No. Yes, 100%. I thought that was
Cyril Gunn. Oh, my God. He's roommates with the
Liver King. Proper. 12. What the fuck? Look at
that photo. Look at that photo. Look at that
photo. Wow. That's not real. Holy shit. Also,
this video of him from here, that's good, but
go to the other one from behind, the next one
back, the next photo. Look at this. Look at the
size of him. Great caboose. Look at the size
of him. You should see his dick. His dick's in
every photo, too. Is that right? He loves posting
a fucking kind of a boner in every photo. Bro,
look at the size of that guy. He's in my wife's
DMs. He looks like, hey, he's 200 plus pounds.
He's got a mask, Joe. Get him. He's a man. He's
recovering from a terrible injury, though. That's
why it's taking so long. And that's probably
why he's working his upper body. Yes. What happened?
He broke his leg. Broke his leg in a fight. Yeah,
both broke. Oh, yeah, against Poirier. That's
what he was yelling about. In the fibula, both
of them snapped, so it's a horrific injury to
recover from. Jamie, you did that on purpose,
you dog. That's a cup. Jamie, you dog. He's wearing
a cup, I believe. Look at the legs on that motherfucker.
Jesus, that would hurt your dick. Focus on that.
So that left leg, the one that's all... That's
the one that broke and it's jacked as fuck now.
Yeah, keep those kids on. What the fuck? Go down.
What the fuck? It's a cup. It's a cup. It is
a cup. World Cup. No, get him in his street clothes.
It's so funny. He literally always has a boner.
Really? I mean, it just looks like it. It's funny.
I took a blue tube before this. There was a weigh
-in where it looked like he had a boner. One
of his weigh -ins. It always does. It's very
funny. He's having fun. He's a wild boy. He's
living life. He's a wild boy. There it is. Wait.
That's not right. What the fuck? He had a boner.
Oh, that's a flopper. That's a flopper. That
might just be his regular penis, dude. Yeah,
yeah. I got one of those. He might actually be
hard. No. For a fighter. Imagine if he's that
savage that he gets a boner. It was a McGregor
fight. It wasn't even. Or the Mayweather. What's
up with these? He wanted to win that fight. What
do you say? That was a money grab, baby. Dude.
Of course. It was a money grab. I'm sure he wanted
to do it. He tried to win that fight. He thought
he could win. He actually landed. Yeah. He caught
him with an uppercut. McGregor's the man. Yeah.
McGregor's the man, obviously. Those Paul guys
are winning fights. What? Ken Lewis Gomez. Paul
guys are winning fights. Dude, Jake Paul is 100
% legit. Yeah. Knock down Anderson Silva. That's
the end of the discussion. I don't care if Silva's
47 years old. Who cares? He boxes very well.
He still moves very well. And just the skill
level alone, the fact that he was able to catch
him and knock him down, that's a big deal. Damn.
It's the end of an era. It's a big deal. It's
an end of an era for sure, but it's also like
that guy's a legit fighter. He's not just a YouTube
guy. He moves like a fighter. You watch him in
fights. He's not boxing like some guy. He's like
a current young fighter. Oh, Tyron Woodley. No,
no, but like someone like 30. What is this? Jake
Paul offered Patty the baddie $1 million to spar,
and Pimblitt didn't back down. But he's way bigger
than him. This weekend, then he'll spar him on
Monday. Pimblitt's like 5 '4 or something. No,
no, no, no, no. He gets up to like 200 pounds.
What? Yeah, he balloons. He balloons. He's a
really good grappler. The difference between
the two of them is like boxing, Patty is, you
know, he's got good hands for sure. He's a good
striker. Cute kid. Beautiful, beautiful kid.
But if he gets you to the ground, he's nasty.
Wow. Really badass submission. So if they're
going to fight, if they're not going to fight
an MMA fight. To spar, though. Yeah, but they're
going to fight, dude. Fight. They're going to
call it sparring. If you're calling it sparring
and you're going to film it and everyone's going
to watch it and you're going to do one round,
come on, you want to spar me? I'll give you a
million dollars to spar me. Yeah, both those
guys are psychos. What you're doing is you're
having an unsanctioned fight. This guy's paying
you a million dollars to have an unsanctioned
fight. Damn. You can call it sparring. Let's
call it sparring. No. You wouldn't fight Jake?
No. You could kick him. Dude, that kind of fucked
me up. He's good. He's a good boxer. He can fight,
man. I'm telling you. He's a big, dangerous,
young fellow. And he hits hard. Yeah, yeah. He's
knocked out Ben Askren, Tyron Woodley, knocked
down Jake Paul. I mean, knocked down Anderson
Silva, rather. That's a big deal, man. That guy
can crack. What's with the legs break? Didn't
O'Malley's leg break? No, he got kicked in the
leg. What's it called? Perennial nerve, that
was called? And that nerve shut off his foot.
His foot just stopped working. And he started
getting this, it's called like drop foot. And
he actually did commentary for the video while
it was happening. That was the last one. You
can't help yourself. That was it. That was the
last one. I'm trying so hard to keep it together.
That's why I can't see that. So Sean O'Malley,
he did like a play -by -play with that fight.
And you could see his foot go. numb it's just
like he's just dragging his foot around and he
can't stand on it and he can't and he had these
tight ankle wraps on and you think that might
have uh accentuated it not allowed the circulation
to get back to normal yeah that's embarrassing
Weird injury. Well, you're just flopping around
on the mat. It looks bad. It's happened to a
few guys. It happened to Michael Chandler in
Bellator. He got that. That happened to him.
It's happened to a couple of guys in the UFC.
They get kicked in the leg, and their leg just
doesn't work right anymore. What about that guy?
He stops working. He kicked, and his leg wrapped
around the guy's shin. Anderson. No. Yes, Anderson
was one of them. Really? He did that with Chris
Weidman. And then Chris Weidman was another one.
Chris Weidman just did it recently. Not recently.
come back from it. It's been over, I believe
over a year. Is that correct? Yeah, it just slaps
against a leg and just like breaks. I've seen
it happen in kickboxing too. It happened with
Tyron Spong fought Gokhan Saki and Saki checked
his kick and snapped his leg in half. Here we
go. Here it is. First kick to Chris through.
His heart. Perfect freeze, Jamie. Perfect freeze.
Perfect freeze. I can't do it. Wow, that is an
antelope leg. Why are you doing that? Who's doing
this? Oh, he looks like a stretcher man. You
don't even blink. Jesus. It's already broken
there. So many of them. Back to fix. Life's back
on track. It's so normal for me to see people
get beat up. But I mean. That's a bad one, though.
I've seen that happen one other time. He was
a gentleman. He's since passed away, but he had
fought on the Ultimate Fighter. He was a very
tall, thin guy. Who was the other guy who had
a leg break? Jamie in the UFC? It was a long
time ago. It's making me yawn, dude. It makes
you yawn. It does, yeah. It's funny. Hand me
that bodega. You guys are all talking over each
other I can hear a fucking word. I say the yawns
is the mushrooms. Yeah, that's a thing I never
didn't know. Oh, yeah is the mushrooms. Yeah
is the first guy to get his leg broken in the
UFC Corey Hill Yes, Corey Corey Hill and who
is that? Who's that fight with down the screen?
Oh God who's Corey Hill Back that up a little
bit real quick. Back that ass up. Dale Hart.
Dale Hart. Corey Hill. That's right. Set for
round number two. Fight scheduled for. So, he
throws a kick. Same deal. Right there. Oh! Yo!
God! Now, this was a bad one because the referee
didn't notice it. The referee didn't notice it.
So, we were screaming, stop the fight. He throws
the kick. His leg snaps. Dale's shown a lot of
head movement. Eats a nice kick. Oh, Corey fell
down. Oh, his leg's broken. His leg's broken.
That's it. We got it. Good Lord. Stop the fight.
Stop the fight. The fight is all over. Corey.
Oh, dude. So the referee didn't notice that his
leg was broken. We had to just scream it. What
are you doing, dude? You're killing me, J -Mo.
That was hard. Didn't you take mushrooms? That
was really hard to watch. Jamie, you're sick.
I saw you. I got to work. So that was the first
time that had ever happened in the UFC. Come
on, J -Mo. He pet the class pet too hard, I bet.
You like a little killing hamster. He pet the
class pet? What the fuck is that? I had a hamster
in their class. The kids could all pet. What
kind of weird world are you creating just for
one joke? I went to a performing arts school.
We had a hamster in there. It was a guinea pig.
In every class. When you go to math class, make
sure you pet the fucking hamster. I'll get creative
on the shrooms. Man, did you see the Bisbing
doc? I did. When he talked about getting his,
he got his eyeball knocked out, by the way. But
he said he woke up in the, what do you call it,
the locker room, and he goes, did I win? That's
how bad these knockouts are. It's like time travel.
They have no idea sometimes. They don't know
what happened. People have to explain to them
what happened in the fight. They don't remember
the fight at all. Sometimes they don't remember
the whole day. They don't remember getting up
in the morning, brushing their teeth, taking
a shit. They don't remember anything. Erases?
I've had some bombs like that. Just shuts off.
It shuts off everything, and then when it comes
back, your memory's just real sketchy. Quite
a few fighters have said after they got knocked
out that they have no memory of that day at all.
It's a good way to fuck another lady. I don't
have any memory. I'm just knocked out. It's kind
of every one of these podcasts. True. For real.
I wake up in New York like, what the fuck just—what
was that? Dude, I'm going—I have an 8 a .m. flight
tomorrow going straight to Boston. Mistake. Big
mistake. Doing the Wilbur. It's going to be a—
Oh, that's nice. Let me apologize now. of the
people who came to that. You have to Wilbur tomorrow
night? Two of them. Wow. It's going to be a train
wreck. You're going to be fine. You're going
to be fine. I'll take an Adderall. Maybe you
can hit me with some NAD or some shit. Do you
take Adderall sometimes when you're not feeling
good? I don't really touch it. I used to take
it for hangovers and I just get too cracked out.
Does it really work for hangovers? Oh, cleans
it up. Two seconds. You shit and you're just...
Flying. What does it come down like? It ain't
pretty. It's ugly. The mental anguish is brutal.
Talk about not getting it up. You got Bobby Lee
dick on Adderall. Well, that's an amphetamine
thing, right? Talk about not getting it up. I'm
sorry, Bobby. So now I'm taking Blue Chew on
top of the Adderall. Then you try to drink it
away when the show's over. I get it. It's hard
out there for a bitch. I'm going to get that
merch. I mean, this guy is smirking. He looks
like a Joe Camel over here. He's scary looking.
Adderall, see, the problem with Adderall, what
scares me about it is it's effective. It works.
If I started taking something that was effective
like that, I don't know if I'd be able to go,
no, no, no, let's go back to just being natural.
Yes, it works. And I have some on me if you guys
want to straighten out. How straightened would
it make you? Well, look at this guy. Are you
certain? He's going to Betty by. Are you certain
that that combination is a good combination?
That might be, like, really bad for your heart.
Wow. It could be. It's possible. You take amphetamines.
It might be a fucking chemical war in your body.
I'll just dose myself. Who's this guy? Oh, no.
That's the shooter's fucking. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You don't even know this guy. I don't know this
guy. You don't know this story? Okay. If you
don't know this story, there was a Colorado shooter.
And then when they interviewed his dad, it turns
out his dad was. His dad was on Arrow. He fought
in the UFC. His dad did a lot of Arrow. I'm pretty.
Are you sure Eric Brink fought in the UFC? Yeah,
he did. And he was a legit MMA fighter back in
the day. And then he became a porn star. And
his reaction to finding out that his son was
a shooter is the craziest thing you'll ever see.
Watch this. Let's play it. Is that worse than
gay? Dude, it's crazy. Don't put that back in
your pocket. I'm telling you. I've been living
with it for 15 years. Front pocket. I got the
wallet, though. It evens it out. That's nuts.
Front pocket, Mark. It doesn't even out jack
shit. No, it doesn't work like that. Can I see
the jokes? I swear to God, I'll never destroy
them. They're varying densities. What are you
going to do? I just want to hold them. I've never
seen anything like this. Wow. So listen to what
he says. Look, look, look. Pay attention. There's
something wrong. This is not the answer. What?
Does the princess die? Yeah. He's a little jacked
up, huh? Well, I guess we shouldn't be pointing
and laughing right now. We don't do gay. This
isn't the real edit, is it? No, this is a weird
edit. It's fucked up. I love my son. I don't
know what this is. This is not it. I was really
fucking you up. I don't want to see that. It's
good. You can go find him if you want to, but
he's severely troubled. Yeah, he's a mess. He's
on something, right? You know what the thing
about those notes is? No one can read them. I
could read them. Some hermetic text. Yeah, I
write them in Sanskrit. It's like my own script,
so no one else can read my shit. Why not front
pocket, though? Front pocket's too small. Who
thought that was a decent idea? Did I say that?
That was heavy as fuck. I don't want that. It's
Apollo Santos. I don't want that. Look, he's
clearly on something, right? Or he keeps hugging
himself. Come on, man. That was a broad video.
Bad trip. The guy's... Some rainbows. The thing's
a bummer, but it's even more of a bummer, the
rest of it. Ah. Jerks out 10, 12 hours a day.
I got it. What? But... Yeah, the same guy said
he jerked off 10 to 12 hours a day. Wow. He was
on Intervention. What? For jerking? Yeah, he
was on another show too, right? Yeah. What was
the other show he was on? Divorce Court. Yeah.
This guy, he had a fucking run, dude. He fought
in the UFC? Yeah. Before that? Wow. He was on
Intervention, Divorce Court. Renaissance, man.
Really fucking tragic. And then his kid becomes
a shooter. Fucking horrendous ending. Yeah. But
did he do porn? I think he did pornography as
well. Yeah, he definitely did. Pull it up. Just
imagine, you know, that's your dad. Imagine you're
that kid. Imagine where we live in 2022, that
kind of thing where there's shootings, mass shootings,
multiple times a week. It's wild. Yes. Shut up,
dude. He's talking about fucking... It's copycats.
It's very strange. That's what it is. One guy
saw, oh, we can shoot people now, and then they
just do it. I think it's copycats. What is it
saying? We need an episode on the Colorado shooter's
father, a drug -smuggling, meth -using, MMA fighter
turned porn star. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Is that
a kid? That soul patch is a red flag. Is that
the kid? Yeah. That's the kid? Leader of Limp
Bizkit. Oh, this one got sad. We got to clean
it up. Stop it. Come on with the skulls. That's
a rough one. So how about that at World Cup?
USA won. They beat the women -hating Iranians.
Did you see that this guy got assassinated in
his car by the police? He got assassinated in
his car for cheering. He was cheering for USA.
Pull the Charmin Bears up. The Charmin Bears
are very nice. Do something. Yeah, there we go.
A dunk contest. Or a fat guy falling. Who got
shot? Come on. JR. He was just a fan of the USA
beating Iran. He was just celebrating. Iran man
said killed by security forces while celebrating
World Cup loss to USA. He's rubbing it in everybody's
face. Why was he celebrating? He was like, ah,
losers. You care about soccer. There's a lot
of people that are angry in Iran right now. They're
angry at the government. So he was honking his
horn, and they just fucking shot into his car
and killed him, shot him in the head. And we
talk about America being shitty. Dude, that's
a guy who worked at Cafe Wah. After Trump got
elected, black guy, he started going to everybody.
He goes, we did it. He started trying to give
high fives the night of the election. We did.
People were like, what? Trump? Yeah. Oh, that's
funny. Black guy fucking high five. They're confused.
Damn, I ran, huh? And I haven't peed yet. I'm
going to outlast you on pissing. I bet I can
outlast you. I believe you. All right. I believe
in you. Trying to get something going here, JoJo.
No, I believe in you. All right. You're done
with competition, huh? I can only compete so
many times on who has to pee. All right. It's
not a smart thing to get involved with. Really?
It's like a gambling addiction. As a bed wetter,
I got a bladder like you wouldn't believe. Seriously,
my dad wouldn't let me pee after 6 p .m. Jesus
Christ, really? Well, he wouldn't let me have
liquid after 6 p .m. because he was worried about
me wetting the bed. He's old school. Yeah, that
6 p .m. was the limit, was the cutoff. So I was
just thirsty eating Doritos. Did you have the
alarm clock bed spread? No, but I had the thing
that I clipped to my boxers that it felt wetness
and it would beep. It would beep. I just drink
water when I'm thirsty. And I drink water with
electrolytes at night and I know I have to pee.
And I'm like, this is a stupid move. Yeah. No,
this is a stupid move. I'm drinking water at
10 p .m. I'm chugging a giant thing of water
at 10 p .m. But I don't care. I'm like, right
now I'm thirsty. Yeah. And then in the middle
of the night, I'm like, you dumb motherfucker.
Stupid. Three o 'clock in the morning, I have
to pee. I'm like, you stupid fuck. But you won't
be hungover at least. Yeah. It hydrates. But
it's not even, I do it all the time anyway. Yeah,
well, you don't take sleeping pills. No. I'm
hooked. You're hooked. I need them. You love
the weed. Which ones do you take? Well, I take
edibles just to conk out, and then I take Seroquil.
No, really? Is that bad? I don't know. Anything
like that. Let's find out. Doesn't sound natural.
Lucky we have Google. Definitely ain't natural.
I'd like you to say, give it a goog. Give it
a goog, J -Mo, but I can't sleep without it.
I'm not a sleeper. I've been up all night. But
don't you think eventually you'd fall asleep?
Yeah, but then you got to wake up at, you know,
eight. He's hooked. But don't you think that
eventually you would get into a cycle where you
could just go to sleep and then wake up? No.
Can't sleep without it. No. The brain, it just
keeps going. It's like a Japanese game show.
It keeps going. So your mind, okay, so it's like
an idea thing. So you're like flooded with ideas
and you have to lay down and you're lying down.
You can't stop thinking. Can't. The memories,
the childhood, the jokes, the mean stuff. The
hatred. You're tired. As soon as you shut your
eyes, it goes. You say the mean stuff and the
hatred. Is that the phenomenon? No, meme stuff
or mean stuff? Mean stuff. You said mean stuff.
Mean. You know, mean thoughts. You suck. You're
not funny. You're worthless. You know, all that
shit. There's a risk of tardive dyskinesia. Am
I saying that right? Dyskinesia. Thank you. Dyskinesia.
Uncontrollable repetitive facial movements associated
with antipsychotics, including Seroquel. You're
taking an antipsychotic, son. Significant weight
loss has been reported, although may cause weight
gain in some people. Okay. May precipitate a
manic episode in people with undiagnosed bipolar
disorder. I don't think I have that. Well, there
you go. It's undiagnosed. So I'm all right. So
are those the only side effects? That's not bad.
Your doctor should monitor progression of potential
long -term side effects of Seroquel, which can
include cataracts, weight gain, high blood sugar,
high cholesterol, and tardive dyskinesia. He's
already got it. Tardive dyskinesia. What's Seroquel
do? Help them sleep. You know what I told them?
I said, well, just stay up until you can't sleep
anymore. Or stay up until you can't stay up anymore.
And they go to sleep. We're in a different time
zone every day. I'm drinking, the flights, the
shows, the gigs. Yeah, you're right. How would
cavemen survive without Seroquel? Well, they
didn't do the Chuckle Hut either. They didn't
do the Funny Bone in Omaha. Great room. Do you
do it because you love it? Do you love that you
can take a sleeping pill and conk out? And it
works. Doesn't it fuck you? Don't you get fucking
wild -ass dreams? Crazy dreams. That's what Kevin
James told me when he used to take the, what's
the other one? Ambien. Ambien's bad news. He
woke up once. He had made dinner in the middle
of the night and didn't know about it. And he
went downstairs and was like, who the fuck made
this? Like, who cooked? Yeah, look at Roseanne.
She had a career. Oh, yeah. Dude, Ambien is bad.
Bad. It's like you disassociate. You don't know
what the fuck you're saying. Oh, yeah. Ari, what
are you thinking about? I want my dog in here.
You want your dog? I want him so bad, dude. Go
get your dog. Bring the dog in. There's a lot
of electronics. Bring that dog in here. I think
they're listening in the lobby. Bring the dog
in. Listen, your dog chews one of the wires.
We have a real problem. He won't chew wires.
Kick him in the ribs. Is that a girl? He doesn't
see gender. Gender is over. You call her a he?
Is he a she? What is it? It's a he. Oh, it is?
I'd say. Oh, shit. You got a real Elliot Page
on you, huh? Sweet dog, dude. Yeah. Where'd you
get that dog? It's the best. Snars is the name
of the rescue. Snars on the way to Sal's wedding.
Thank you. It's a great dog. Sal's wedding. Yeah.
Some sucker adopted her, and then the dumb fucking
inbred kid was allergic. Gave it back. Whoa,
bro. Their loss is my gain. Jewish kid. Why are
you talking about kids? What? Well, wait a minute.
Every dog's a rescue now. I've never heard of
a guy say it's not a rescue. How can they all
be rescues? How much do you pay for your dog?
My dog is on a rescue. Yeah, exactly. Louis is
not. He's a golden retriever. But we wanted a
very specific kind of dog. Not a rescue golden
retrievers. Yeah. Or French bulldogs. Everybody
has one. Those are not rescues. They call rescues,
I feel like. No way. Although the people that
would have a French bulldog would say it's a
rescue. Yeah. But it's not. Certain dogs, they
just engineered them to be love machines. Yeah.
Pomeranian. Yeah. Yeah. Those are cute. There's
dogs that are just fucking love machines. They
just want to love you. Come here. That's all
we want. Come on. Because they used to herd sheep
and fuck kids or whatever, but now they don't
want that anymore. We just want a hug. Yeah.
Right? Same with cats. I really enjoy it. What
are you saying? I really enjoy it. They used
to hurt sheep and fuck kids away. I'm the only
one not high up his ass. He's just talking. I'm
seeing. He's trying to fill the area. I ate half
of it. I took a stem. Well, no, then we'd have
no pod. No, that's funny. I actually like it.
I like what's going on. Guys, we're fine. We
got a good thing cooking. Ari's out to lunch.
I'm back! Are you? I'm back. I was gone all minute.
I'm back. It's like a career. Feeling good. It's
like a career. It's making me laugh watching
you. Trying to hold something together. How about
the World Cup? I'm trying. Guy got fucking shot
in the face. We don't see each other until every
four months. Yeah. We just got to be careful
with the cross talk because it makes nobody can
understand anything anybody's saying. This episode
is brought to you by cross talk. Is that an old
Will Smith sitcom? Will Smith is done. He's not
done. He's got to make a big comeback. Talk to
Kanye. He's got a movie coming out. Does he?
And he's worried about the attendance. What are
you saying, Jamie? I'm disagreeing. I think it's
an Apple movie, though. Well, I'm sure they probably
filmed it all before that. That's true. Isn't
it like an action movie? It better be. He plays
a slave escaping. What the fuck? I've never heard
of that before. It's an action thriller is what
it's listed as, so yeah, it's emancipation. Maybe
the guilt will kick in and we'll all go see it.
So. Oh, my God. Yeah, that is true. Who would
have thought, guys? The hard part is Chris Rock
has a lot of pressure to write a book. A chunk
on that. That's a lot. Smart guy. Not gonna.
Don't let him fucking say what you do. What?
He's not gonna let him like, everyone's like,
now we want a bit about that because I was already
writing bits. I'm not doing this. I heard he's
murdering it. Yeah. I heard from everybody's
murder. I saw him in Austin. He said he murdered
it. What? Yeah. I went on the road. We went to
Philly together. How long ago was this? Two months
ago. Nice. Yeah. How was it? It was incredible.
It was one of those moments in comedy where you're
like, God damn. Yeah. It was crazy. That's good
stuff. But he had a joke about it, and it was...
Incredibly funny. Okay. Thank God he didn't fucking
heed your advice, dickhead. Exactly. I heard
he's back to, like, bring the pain levels. I
saw the VU, and he was like, the phones are locked
up, right? And he said crazy shit. He was saying
crazy shit. Colin Quinn's like, oh, my God. And
I was like, I felt like old comedy again. Yeah.
Well. If anybody can do it, he can do it now.
After getting slapped like that, and they give
a standing ovation to the guy that slapped him,
and the Academy Award. They're such fucking phonies.
Bro, it's a mind virus. And if anybody didn't
know it, if you watch that just pattern of behavior,
how that all plays out, and how that makes any
sense to anybody, that's how crazy those people
are. They don't know what to do. Oh, buddy! Yeah!
Let's get a dog in here. Best dog in the world!
Already chewed a quarter. Chewed a quarter right
away. Chewed it away, did he? It was a quarter.
Went straight for a quarter. Oh, it's ice cubes.
I give him cheap treats. That's the first addition
to this group is that dog. The only person we've
let in. What did you just say? See how Brian
Simpson was trying to get on? He was trying.
Just to go do a drink contest with you. Like,
what are we doing here? Not on my watch, Bri.
Look at that sweetie. There's only four mics.
That is a nice dog. Good looking, bitch. That
dog's in love with you. Oh, no. Come on, man.
That's fucking weird. That's gross. That's white
people shit. Don't put a camera on that. All
right. You're out of the group. That'll get a
spam from YouTube. Dude, the dog doesn't like
it. You're fucking that dog. The dog is like,
what is this guy doing to me? Well, now the dog's
going to get high. You ever hear Big Jay's joke
about Michael Jackson had dog belly? No. Just
kidding. Oh, my God. It's so funny. That's great.
Oh, man. Big J, funny guy. The best. You can't
have her running around here, brother. No, she's
fine. She doesn't chew cords. Yeah, but that's
what you say. You don't know. She's definitely
going to chew cords. She's going to chew a cord.
She never chewed a cord before. I never thought
you would chew a cord. It's a dog. It's not a
rat. Dog better not chew a cord. I gave her ice.
According to Jim. Don't you feel better with
the presence of a dog in here? I'll see you all
in hell. Fucking Jim. What did you say? He just
goes, according to Jim. I got the cord in there.
All right, J -Mo. Bring it up according to Jim.
Every time he has a reference, I want an image
of it. It'd be nice. Jesus Christ. That's the
Jim Belushi song. Show, right? According to Jim.
According to Jim. Crazy reference. I'll never
not think about it every time I see it. According
to Jim. Those shows, you try to watch those shows.
Try to watch one of those really bland sitcoms.
Oh, man. That's just in Norman's brain. They're
talking about cords. Don't they have to take
the kids and be happy and jovial? The wife's
always too hot, and he's always an idiot. It's
like every show prototype. Try watching one of
those now. It just seems like you're watching
people wear powdered wigs in the 18th century.
It's so fake. The laugh track. It's so fake now.
It's so weird. It's so weird. It's kooky. Well,
you know, the thing is, once you get used to
doing podcasts and talking like this, talking
normal, there he is. Hey! That guy rules. Is
he growing weird? He does look like he rules.
He might rule. I think he rules. Was the jury
out? He definitely rules. He's got a cowboy hat.
He left Hollywood to launch a pod farm. Fuck
yeah! He gets it. Oh, yeah, that's hot. He gets
it. Good for him. That's smart. Listen, who am
I to judge? I was on Fear Factor for six years.
Oh, good point. I would have done that stupid
show. I would have been his wacky brother. Come
on, man. Let's go to the club. I would have been
his brother on that stupid show. Yeah, you're
right. Listen, back in those days, especially
in the 90s, when people offered you roles on
sitcoms, you said yes. Of course. Look at Andy
Dick. Made a career out of it. Yeah, well, I
was on news radio with him. How was he? He was
funny. He's a funny guy. He's funny. He's fucking
talented as shit, man. We had scenes, and I couldn't
stop laughing. I couldn't keep a straight face.
There's a scene in news radio that I always point
to. It's them burying a rat, and then Joe not
able to. They didn't get any good takes without
Joe laughing. Really? Yeah. You got to find it.
It's them burying a rat, and someone's like,
we should say a service to the rat. And then
he's so funny, and Joe's like, Joe, just say
nothing. I'm sure, right? Yeah, I just couldn't.
I was just hanging in there as much as I could.
We did like six takes. How was it being on that
set? You got Phil Hartman. You got the other
guy. Andy Dick was the funniest. Really? Yeah,
it was a different kind of funny. Towards the
end. Dave Foley was very funny. I love Foley.
No, that's when everyone's around later. Or right
before this. Right before this. Friendship. What
is it? For our kind, it's camaraderie and conversation.
But for those poor creatures eking out a hard
scrabble existence every day, it's something
else entirely. Man, you are hunky. You're a hunk,
dude. A tasty bean. So as we bid farewell to
Mike, or Mike's friend, we'll never know for
sure, we must remember that we... Someone had
an overnight pickup. Hey, buddy, we're in the
middle of something here, okay? Yeah, I'm sorry.
If you could just give us a moment, thanks. All
right, I guess... Did you bang any cast members?
Just Dave. She's got a bod on her. Just Dave.
I think we might be playing too much of this.
It's right after this. Yeah. I'm fucking enthralled.
Yeah, I'm bored. I like it. I'm bored and it's
me. No, but if it was me, I'd say, please turn
this off. I think that's the wrong one. No, it's
watch. It was that. You're a stupid fucking watch
again. Why, dude? It's a Timex. So many things
are so confusing to me. Never stops ticking.
But it also makes sense. Where's that dog? You
better not be chewing on fucking cords. Oh, great.
Oh, I gave him a shroom chocolate. The chocolate's
a problem. It's a Shafir. He's had plenty. Oh,
really? Isn't it weird that chocolates kill dogs?
That's crazy. Does it? Yeah. I've seen it. You've
seen it? I did it. What? I didn't know. I gave
him a Twix. Really? Yeah, when I was a kid. Wait,
what? The dog died? Really? It flips, it spazzes,
it's wild. Wow. Is that how you did it? That
was me. That's how you did it. You made me be
trapped in twigs. It's bromine content. It's
like a horse with a carrot. It's theobromine
content, which dogs are unable to metabolize
correctly. If your dog eats chocolate, you should
monitor them closely and seek veterinary attention
if they show any symptoms or if they're very
young, pregnant, or have other health concerns.
There you go. What happened to the dog? What
kind of dog was it? A lot of yakking. No. Damn.
A terrier. Shadow. No, Shadow. Like a Wizard
of Oz dog. You ever hear about that bear that
ate the cocaine? Yes. Pablo Escobar. They're
making a movie now. Come on. Come on. That's
not mine. That's a great joke. I wish. Wait,
what was the bear that ate the coke? Yeah, like
some dudes dropped some coke out of parachutes.
It's an air drop drug dealers and a bear got
all of that. It's a movie now? They're making
a movie. Oh, Jesus. Coke dump bear is killing
everybody. That's fun. Coked up bear. That's
a good movie. Boy, movies have hit a new low,
huh? This is probably the best movie you'll ever
see. What the fuck are you talking about? A coked
up bear? This movie rules. This movie rules.
This is actually a good one. Why would you ever
not be watching this movie? This movie rules.
Look at this. They find packages of coke based,
inspired by truth. Oh, Ray Liotta's last movie.
His last movie was Cocaine Bear. Look at it.
The bear's eating the coke. And the guy's yelling
at the bear. Bro. This is silly. Oh, come on,
guys. It's the height of comedy. This is pretty
fucking shitty. Yeah. Not so bad. This is like
the worst movie that's ever been. Ray Liotta
was... Damn. This is his last movie. I gotta
see that. I gotta see that. What's the name of
that? Cocaine Bear. I'll definitely see it. Cocaine
Bear. I don't think you're creative enough to
change it to get a good title either. What are
you talking about doing like a fight companion
for bad movies? That's a great idea. That might
be the movie. Mystery Summit. Come on. That might
be the movie to do it. Cocaine Bear. They should
have gone the other way and have the bear be
like, we should start a bar. This is the best
night of our lives. We're having a great time.
You've gotten into crypto? Yeah. FTX. That FTX
thing is crazy because so many people were spokespeople
for it. Is that the one where Tom Brady broke
up his marriage? Tom Brady's having a rough fucking...
That didn't break up his marriage. Oh, I bet
that was it. You can quote me on that. I'm telling
you, she was like, we better split ties right
now there, Tommy, because it's about to get ugly.
Who's the fortune favors the bold? Who's that?
That was Matt Damon. Matt Damon for which Bitcoin?
Who cares? I forget. Which what? Crypto. Fortune
favors the bold. Crypto fucking arena. Fortune
Feimster. I think they own the Staples Center
now. When he was comparing it to people going
to the moon, and I'm like, bro. They don't own
it. They named it. They don't own it. Well, of
course. They were talking about it. Thank you,
JD. JD, correct me real quick for you. What did
you say? I said they don't own it. We can't have
three different conversations going on, kids.
When they were talking about how many kids he
was doing that commercial where he's like comparing
it to like space travel Yeah, talking about innovators
groundbreakers. Look at this telling all these
fucking barely making people to throw away Matt
Damon fans who almost adventured who almost achieved
But ultimately for them it proved to be too much.
He's telling regular people to be Galileo Embrace
the mode that guys might embrace them all the
guys are crazy. Fuck climbing up glacier. That's
not smart man Cheesy the Wright brothers Near
mortals. Oh my god me funny those guys admitted
flight and climb the mountain. They're like Fortune
favors the brave. It's not really braved by crypto.
Well, it is now. Now it is. When something like
that FTX thing goes down where you watch billions
of dollars just disappear, yeah. I lost a fortune.
Fortune favors the brave? Is that what you were
doing there with that? Well, I'm just saying
I lost a lot of money. Did you lose a lot of
money? Yeah. You really did put money in crypto?
I did. I'm trying to tell you. Oh, I thought
you were joking. No, no. I lost a ton. How much?
I don't want to get into numbers here. It's being
impolite. How much? Enough to disturb you. That
was the first time I checked. I lost like 15
grand. In the tens of thousands. This year. Yeah.
I thought it was the right thing to do. I saw
the commercial. I was never going to take it
out of there. So people are suing Larry David.
Yeah. He was just in a commercial. Because he
did a commercial for them. They're suing, there's
a class action lawsuit. I think it involves,
find out what it does. Tom Brady, Larry David.
They're saying, why'd you tell us to do this?
I don't know that it's gone through yet. I think
they've talked about it. So some people are saying,
but then there's also the people that are like,
where's my money? Yeah. And this guy is just
going to go to some New York Times thing that
they're doing this week, right? There you go.
Yeah. They've got some New York Times thing where
people are speaking. And he's going to go up
there, hey, I fucked up. Hey, everyone. Don't
do that. In the end, you shouldn't do that. It's
live? Whoa. He's on right now? Okay. It's probably
going to be very boring. Oh, let it go. Let it
go. This guy's a weirdo. What the fuck, dude?
This is nuts. It's like Oz. It's like the fucking
guy back there. Right. I don't like it. Don't
look past the curtain. Couldn't get this guy
a better plant? All right, put the headphones
on so you can hear this guy. I don't want to
hear him. No, it's bizarre. Jewish yay or nay?
What? Could be. I would go yay. What are you
talking about? What's his name? Fried. Fried.
Yeah, 100%. He balled out. Got a real bird's
nest on him, huh? Jealous. Yeah, Mulaney. Look
at him shaking. I think he just shakes. Bro,
he's tweaking. Yeah, look at the pupils are huge.
Like a doll's eyes. This is weird. Keep going.
I don't know if he's the only guy watching. I
don't even understand. He has to be the only
people watching. Keep going. I'm just studying
him. And the same original people. But most of
the remaining nexuses, you said, have dropped
off. Nexuses? I know the people from Alameda
decently well. Almost as if you don't know what's
happening there. And there isn't like a large
amount, you know, of ways remain that we are
actively working together. Anything like that,
Alameda is a wholly separate entity. They're
different offices, like different principal offices.
We don't have any shared personnel. We're also
not the same company. We not all are under the
same corporate umbrella or anything like that.
And yet it seems like Alameda people, we're living
in the same penthouse where you may very well
be right now. I guess it seems that way, doesn't
it, asshole? Yeah, right? Most of Alameda was
not there. I don't live there now, or not there
now. I have not lived there. Skinny arms. I did
live with one or two members of Alameda for a
little while. And I'll also say that as I was
earlier this summer looking at the relationship.
What a dweeb. Well, I think he's really autistic.
Ah. I can't recognize my own. You're like a betta
fish. Fuck this guy. Swiping at him like a cat.
I'm just studying his mannerisms. Yeah, he's
tweaking out like Hitler at those fucking games.
100 % tweaking out. Yes. That's a lot of pressure.
Very under pressure. Also, he's tweaking from
that for sure. Imagine billions of dollars are
missing. Gone, yeah. That's live, dude. Billions
of dollars. And they've got all these tweets
and shit, different things that they've said,
and different statements that he's said about
his company that just seem to be untrue. Live
updates of the stuff he was saying during it,
too. But the thing that he was just discussing
there was another company called Alameda, and
apparently they'd moved $10 billion over to Alameda,
and they don't know... Like how that was done
or what it was done, but it was like a company
that was connected to them. Initially, he lied
about it and said he didn't work with those people,
and they were all banging each other. Whoa. It
always comes back to that. I don't know, though.
They were fucking that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys should take all this money so that it'll
be cool. Yeah, he needed it. Hey, that was last
week. They were fucking that guy? No, he's gone.
Yeah, he lived in a house with like 10 people.
They were all banging each other. Influencer
house for Bitcoin? Every time. For real. And
they were all doing - This lady who was one of
them was on, she wrote on Twitter. This was like
one of the top people at his company. Wrote on
Twitter that after you, what was the exact quote?
We talked about it yesterday. Find her exact,
I don't want to paraphrase because I'm high.
You know you're on shrooms when the screen is
all flunky. I feel like I watch things and they're
not even there. I know. I can just picture things
happening on that screen. So he's going to fry.
He's going down. It looks like fried is fucked.
Damn. Yeah. It looks like he's fucked. That wasn't
great. No. I didn't understand one word. I don't
remember one word. Freed rather is fucked. Nothing
like regular amphetamine used to make you appreciate
how dumb a lot of normal non -medicated human
experience is. This is in April of 2021. And
this is like - I thought that's a reaction to
what we just saw. She was one of the top dogs
over there. She was one of the top people over
there, and they were all banging each other.
Every time. On speed, banging each other, making
billions of fake money. What did they do? Figure
out a way to take the money away from the people?
I don't know what happened, man. Whoa! It was
at Wilt Chamberlain's. They lived in a $40 million
penthouse, and now it's listed for sale. All
those dorks were fucking in this corner. Those
dorks were on that fucking in there. Bro, they
thought they were in a movie. They thought they
were in a movie. We should have all the money.
They're banging. Good for them. Yeah, but they
know how those movies end. They're pushing half
-slaughtered dicks into each other. There's a
dog in here. What does it smell like? Part of
me is rooting for them. Part of me is like, I
wish they weren't stealing money. I wish it wasn't
a Ponzi scheme. Yeah, man. I wish, because if
it wasn't a Ponzi scheme. Easy. It's funny how
that guy. If it wasn't a Ponzi scheme, it would
be nice to be off. It would be amazing to see
that they succeed and they go over there and
they start making all this money. He wouldn't
succeed. They're falling out of control. If it
wasn't a Ponzi, he wouldn't succeed. Right. It's
the chicken or the egg. But that guy either goes
school shooter or crypto. No, it's not. I'm going
to take these. We're going to get closer together.
I'm going to get on a flight. There's something
about those crypto people. It's like there's
something about people that are just venturing
out into the world of like a new thing that you're
just like, are you sure? Where are you going?
Well, that's why it's fortune favors the bold.
They're like the Wright brothers. Yeah, but I
don't mean just people investing in them. I mean
the people that are like the top executives and
they're involved in this. It's like what a weird
fucking world you're navigating. Yeah. So when
you dosed Bert, how much you give him? I gave
him about a third. Oh, actual amount? I gave
him about a half of what I would do. And then
I did the other half and mine. So I forgot now.
I saw him that night. He was having a blast.
He was having a blast. Yeah, obviously. Your
dog just tried to eat something off the table.
No, it was treats. Easy. Joe, my dog's cool.
Don't mix up the treats and the treats. I'm not
worried about your dog being cool. Your dog's
very cool. I just don't want your dog to accidentally
get fucked up. Joe just doesn't trust you. He's
like, no way I can train this dog right. She's
so sweet. Even the dog's really yawning. Look
at that face. Oh, I have a big announcement to
make. What's the announcement? Skank Fest is
the last weekend of September. What? Next year?
That's a big announcement. No one's going to
remember that, bro. We'll do three or four Protect
Our Parks between now and then. That's a long
time. Wait, here's a question. Who will die first
out of all of us? That's a good question. You
put that dog on drugs. Excuse me. You put that
dog on antidepressants. Who dies before? Well,
you're going to be in Guatemala fighting the
pirates or who knows what. If I die, it'll be
weird. It'd be in a weird circumstances. He'd
get killed by an octopus. Yeah. You can even
China. Who knows? Who dies first in all of us?
That's a good question. One of us statistically,
maybe J -Mo, but statistically one of us will
die. J -Mo's pretty good. Yeah, you're safe.
You're behind a desk. I feel like it'd be me
or Shane probably. You think? Die first, yeah.
Yeah, we're taking chances. All right. Living
life. We're out there. Not doing much. Just doing
drugs. Not doing much else. Out there hustling.
Life is for living. Keeping it real. That's the
problem. I mean, think about how many comics
since we've started have died. A lot. Patrice,
Ralphie May, fucking fentanyl folk. It happens.
Oh, boy. Suicide. Suicide. It's rough. Yeah,
Geraldo. What the fuck are we doing again? What
are we doing? Can we go back to this? Keep it
happy. All right. We can keep it happy. It's
just, you know. Who's the charger? Get us another
copy. All right, all right. Here we go. We're
going to be okay. We're going to be okay. It's
just that you don't appreciate, you don't want
to live forever. You see Alyssa Milano and Musk
fighting? That was fun. It's adorable. Yeah,
she bought a Volkswagen. Yeah, because she said
there's too many Nazis on Twitter. It's so funny
that they're like, oh, yeah, we don't care about
recycling anymore. I bought a car created by
Nazis. Balenciaga was Nazi, too. Was he? Was
it? Yeah, that was a Nazi company. Oh, my God.
So was Adidas. Maybe that's the one I'm thinking.
Adidas was a Nazi company. There you go. Yeah,
Adidas. That was the craziest thing about them
dropping Kanye. Was it like Hugo Boss? Yeah.
Hugo Boss for sure. IBM. I got fired from the
IBM spot because of a tweet once, but that was
like, you made systems to process juice faster.
Yeah. Didn't Audi make one of the very first
race cars for Hitler? What? Wasn't there a race
car for Hitler that was made by Audi? Get away.
Trying to do a speed train. It's a dope looking
car, too. Pull it up. It's not the fucking...
engineers' fault that they were stuck in Nazi
Germany. But those guys were bad motherfuckers.
They made this dope -ass car that was supposed
to win the war or win races for the Nazi party.
Well, he hated that Jesse Owens, I'll tell you
that. He really did hate Jesse Owens. That's
the Mercedes, but he had a race car. Oh, that's
sexy. Why don't you just Google... I Googled
BMW and then I clicked on the wrong one as well.
That's not a race car. No, but it's Audi. Did
you try Audi? Oh, you didn't hear me. Okay. Guys.
Audi. That's it. That's it. That's it. The second
one there? Right there. That's the car. Oh, that's
cool. It looks like a dick. So look at it have
the Audi symbol in the front. Oh, yeah. That's
a dope little car, man. Look at that thing. That's
a cool car. That would win a war. Pulling up
to the comedy club in there? To Brett Favre.
That's the craziest thing about the German engineers.
That's amazing, but you've got four front fives.
Don't sell yourself short. The thing about the
engineering back then, do you know how much better
that was than anything America was making? Oh,
yeah. Look at this, though. This has the Mercedes
symbol on it. Yeah. That one has the Audi symbol
on it. Yeah, I think they were connected somehow
or another. It's almost like there's a conspiracy
to try to bring them down. I think it's a race
car enthusiast. Yeah, I forget what the connection
is. I forget what that was, but I do remember
the Audi symbol on the front. It's the same car,
yeah. You know what's amazing? Your dog likes
me, dude. He does like you. It's a good dog.
You know what's amazing is how many people came
out of that Nazi party that were fucking incredible
engineers to the point where the United States
adopted a bunch of them, the Soviets took a bunch
of them. They took all these scientists. Well,
a lot of them moved to South America. Yeah, Argentina.
That's why they're very white down there. Yeah.
Because of the German jizz. Well, there's towns
down there that are like fully German towns.
Oh, is that right? Yeah, they have Oktoberfest.
Oh, yeah, they went there in droves. Yeah. That's
fun. Tim Kennedy did that show called Finding
Hitler. Finding Hitler shows. It was what the
rumor was. The conspiracy theory was that Hitler
had escaped and Hitler had made it to South America.
And that sounds ridiculous. But for sure, Nazis
made it to South America. For fucking sure. So
that was where the rumor came from? I could see
it. I don't know. No, they found it. Did they?
Yeah, he killed it. He shot himself in the head.
They didn't find his body, though. What? They
didn't find his body. They burnt it. He had his
guys burn it. He ate cyanide, shot himself, and
then they burned the body. Jesus Christ. So no
one could claim victory? Whoa. Because he knew
we'd be on the Joe Rogan experience going, where
the fuck did that guy go? Where's his body? Where
the fuck is he, dude? What's in the bag? What's
in the box? Yeah, you've got to think about how
many fucking insanely brilliant engineers and
rocket scientists came out of that horrible regime.
Hitler and Eva Braun's remains were burnt in
a shell crater outside the emergency exit at
the left. Who said it? Seems suspicious. I think
Argentina is a better solution. What do you mean?
Oh, going to Argentina. Hitler goes to Argentina.
Let me just throw this out. Instead of shooting
ourselves. Argentina. Imagine they all just live
in this town together and they go like this.
Phew. What the fuck just happened? What the fuck
was going on? We lost our minds back there. We
gotta just accept everybody for who they are.
Agreed. Agreed. We went too far. They had a good
run. Agreed. I guess they just settled down and
now they just live there. Yeah. They're retired.
Like there's pictures on people's walls of like
SS soldiers. Why do we talk about Hitler more
than Mao? Mao killed more people. Yeah. I don't
know enough about that. Stop Asian hate. Yeah,
I don't know enough about Mao. Ah. Mao Ying.
But it's also, it's like, what do you have the
most video footage of? That's what does the big
impact. That's what it is. We got the footage.
And Hitler was such a compelling speaker. And
it was such a scary speaker. With that creepy
-ass mustache. He ruined that mustache forever.
Shane would like to rock it, but he can't. I
want that mustache. If Hitler wasn't a thing
and you had that mustache, dude. That mustache
is preposterous. You could own that mustache.
Even Adolf. It makes your face even fatter. That's
true. That little tiny thing. That's true. Well,
it's supposed to be Charlie Chaplin. That's what
he did after. His favorite comedian. What? Yeah.
For real. Yeah. Well, Hitler. M .J. brought it
back. M .J. tried it for a while. If anybody
could do it, he could do it, and even he couldn't
do it. Well, he's the best at what he does as
well as Hitler. He had to let it go. He had to
let it go. But wait a minute. I'm telling you,
Chaplin was the reason. That's interesting. No
way. Really? Pull it up? I heard a thing that
he liked Napoleon so much. Hitler loved Napoleon.
He was a great world leader, took over, dominated.
So Napoleon had this tomb, this whatever. He's
fine. He's fine. And he would make everybody.
He built it small. So when you entered Napoleon's
tomb, you had to lower your head out of respect.
And Hitler knew that. And he goes in the church
in Notre Dame. And he goes, build me a series
of mirrors so I don't have to lower my head.
I still want to see this fucking tomb. I'm not
lowering my head to this motherfucker. Whoa.
And he was able to see his body standing straight
up. Damn. Jesus. What a fucking dumbass. That's
why he lost the war. What a jerk. He was so gay.
You know what I mean. A Phil Bavarian mustache,
the kind of extravagant chops you can hang a
hat on. However, his superiors in the Bavarian
infantry division ordered him to clip his mustache
down so his gas mask would fit over his mouth
properly. So that's why he had a mustache like
that. Damn it. Oh, my God. So that mustache was
to make a gas mask fit right. Yo, did you watch
All Quiet on the Western Front? No. No. How is
it? I don't want to get depressed. You want to
talk about a true bummer? That was a bummer.
What do you mean? Fucking World War I was a bummer.
Oh, yeah. Well, it doesn't get talked about because
of the sequel. It was a true bummer. Oh, my God.
It's like Terminator. Yeah, that's why the sequel
happened. That's why he was out there. Old Adolf
was out there saying, what the fuck? Why did
we do this? Because it was the worst, most pointless
war. Really? I mean, the worst was what they
did. Two. Part two on the Eastern Front was the
worst of all time. Why was... Oh, hold on. It's
bad, dude. What was the point? Was it Franz Ferdinand?
Was that it? Yeah. I mean, there's no reason.
There was no reason. Come on. There's got to
be a reason. They got talked into it? They didn't
know, I guess. What did they think the reason
was? Allegedly, it was Franz Ferdinand got shot.
Yeah. And then Germany was like, all right, we
support you. Well, it was an Austrian. He was
Austrian versus, what, Serbia? It was in Serbia?
I don't know. Fuck it. I don't want to do this.
You're the history guy. You can't do history
on mushrooms. Everybody jumped in on everybody's
sides. History on mushrooms. But Jeremy was the
first to be like escalating it. Yeah. You can't
shoot him. We'll step in. And then someone was
like, no, if you step in, then we got to step
in. Then we all got to step in. Then they all
stepped in. What's really crazy is that kind
of warfare is not that far and long ago. Yeah.
No, no. Not that long ago at all, man. That's
how they used to march towards each other with
guns. That was one, though, right? That was one,
yeah. But two, eight years ago. But at least
the Revolutionary War, you know why it started.
But you know why they're doing it, because it's
slavery, right? Do you know what Kurt Metzger
said to me last night that was intense? Metzger
goes, he goes, don't you fucking notice in video
games, the number one video game is a World War
II game? He goes, because it's the last one people
feel good about winning. World War II. You can
go back to World War II. We were the good guys.
So that's the reason why you don't have modern
weapons. You can't move quicker. Yeah, there's
no Ukraine and Russia. Everybody likes to duke
it out like they're in the 40s. Real now warfare.
blowing up holes in windows and going, sorry,
keep your fucking dinner. We'll move on. Now
it's drones. You're like some regular person
and you get online and you play one of those
games against these psychos that are on all day
long. All day long. There's people that are playing
those games all day long. Modern Warfare. I try
to play them all the time. You poke your head
up, it's gone. Pink mist every time. Motherfucker.
What? These are strong. What are you guys talking
about? These are strong. The mushrooms. Yeah,
they're strong as fuck. I know. Goddamn. Video
games are dangerous. They could take your life.
Absorb your life into a video game. You're going
to have so much fun, you're not even going to
feel bad about it. but then you look back you
go like how many hours was that oh yeah in that
room the last uh call of duty war zone was built
on ukraine in a war zone and like it was way
too close to reality there's real life places
that were really there in a city called like
don't yes don't don't yes it's the monkey on
the left huh monkey the monkey in the shot oh
oh jesus christ stadium they have like different
banks and whatnot That's insane. And it's like,
it came out right when the pandemic started.
And then two years later, there's an actual war
going on. Are these real maps of the area? It's
not a one -to -one recreation, but it's very
close. These places exist. People have found
them on Google Maps. See, we make fun of these
gamers. We're going to need them. Well, I'm making
fun of them, but they do say that it does improve
your brain function. Oh, yeah. We wanted to say,
oh, you have to play chess in order to make your
brain function better. No, it's kind of any games.
I think it's any games. Puzzles. Resolving things.
You know? Chest pains. All right. But yeah, no,
they're good for depression as well. Really?
Games are? Video games are? Yeah. They don't
cause depression in me. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm
like, what am I doing with my life? Just all
day. Well, Candy Crush. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes
you get done with them, and you're like, what
happened? I know. Where did the day go? People
get addicted to the fucking cell phone. Cell
phone games. I was hooked. It's so funny to get
addicted to cell phone games. I got rid of Angry
Birds. To like Zuma and Angry Birds. Yeah. Playing
Angry Birds at home is so fucking funny. What's
that subway surfer one? I know. It's sad. Subway
surfer dude. What's a subway surfer? Oh, yeah.
Same shit. I got the ratings. Were you jumping?
Yeah, you're always jumping over stuff. It's
so addictive. I know. You can't help yourself.
Yeah, you could be reading, but they're fun.
Yeah, you could be learning shit, but would you
be enjoying yourself as much? That's the problem.
They give you something, but we just want to
discount the enjoyment that they give you. We
love all kinds of enjoyment, but if you get enjoyment
from a screen, what are you doing? Wasting your
life getting enjoyment? That's true. Just doing
that. Yeah. Like, if you just sit and meditate,
everybody's cool with it. Oh, good job. Oh, yeah.
That's true. You sit in the same spot. You sit
in the same spot. Like, one way, you're watching
something, and the other way, you're like, oh.
And we're like, that guy's good. Yeah, we've
decided that that's better. Isn't that weird?
It's interesting. Same with a book. You hold
a book open, but you're like, that's a smart
guy getting shit done. But you could be reading
a Kindle, and I go, ah, he's on a screen. Because
I think meditating is good for you. Don't get
me wrong. But if you're meditating, there's a
part of you that's like, I am just going to just
settle down and relax. Oh, that was good. Just
going to find my center and then approach life
from here. Wait, what about this? This might
be the shrooms talking. But what if we have real
problems in America? What if we made them into
video games and let kids solve them? And then
we'd solve problems. All right. Well, I'm just
saying, you know, you got... Can you imagine
if that's how world events... That's a movie,
and that's two movies. That's Project X with
Matthew Broderick and Ender's Game. Thank God
you're here. These guys are about to discount
that. Jesus Christ. And now it's a movie. Well,
he wasn't going to. Jamie pulls out references.
Thank you, JMO. He pulled out Ender's Game. They
make a kid think he's playing a game, but he's
actually, like, controlling the whole fucking
arm. You see? He's SimCity. I wasn't making fun
of you. All right, well, the whole thing just...
Shut down after that. If they just keep making
drones and our drones fight each other. That's
going to happen. Yeah. Drone fight drones. How
long before we have like proxy wars with machines
going after each other? Mistake. I mean, we have
a mistake. Sit in this whole fucking show. I
don't know, but we're trying to do a show here
with entertainment. You just got here? God damn
it. You just got there? Yeah, your face is this
fucking big. Jesus Christ. I thought you were
Buddha. You look like one of those Eastern Island
cuts. You know what I'm talking about? You're
freaking me out. Temple of Doom. Shit. It'd be
so funny if we just, tomorrow, delete it. I still
can't believe this pile of notes. It could happen.
I still can't believe your pile of notes, man.
And you insist on keeping them in your pocket.
Oh, yeah, I got some new stuff on here. You're
going to get a bad back, man. Are you telling
me about the sciatica? Strong as an ox. I used
to keep my wallet back there. I had a guy when
I was playing poker. He's like, hey, I used to
do that. It'll give you sciatica. And I was like,
all right. He goes, no, I have terrible back
pain all the time. You should take it out right
now. Really? Yeah, if you have like an imbalance,
like a big fat wallet on one side and you sit
on it, you're going to get a fucked up back.
Really? Yeah, it's a lot of pressure on one side
of the disc. So your body's hinging. So you're
constantly hinging, and you're putting this unnatural
weight on one side of your back because you've
got a rock under your ass. So you're sitting
like this. So it puts more pressure on one side.
It can cause bulging discs. You shouldn't sit
with anything in your back pocket. Front pocket?
You have a solution. Just front pocket. I've
got my keys in there. Oh, my God. See the other
guy sitting? That's Norman. What the hell? Oh,
no. With that fat wallet, see how his back's
all fucked up? That's like your back, right?
Yeah, that is my back. That's what I'm saying.
Hold on. Trust me. It's to the source. Oh, I
shit myself. That was a false alarm. He tried
to fart. I tried and I squirted. Did you? Yeah,
can we get the dog in here? Slick that up. This
is too much. What an uncomfortable platform to
be very high on. That's perfect. That's perfect.
Dude, it was so funny seeing on CNN or some dumb
shit thing, they go, Joe Rogan weighs in on this,
and it was you and Duncan. And I was like, oh,
what? They were just human costumes with candles.
We were dressed like clowns. And they're like
ignoring that. We were dressed like clowns where
the show was lit by candles. Every show we do.
They're literally quoting you on a news cycle.
Dude, they've quoted me before where I was dressed
like one of the patriots. The powdered wig and
all that. Yeah, I had a powdered wig on. I put
the costume on. And we're talking about freedom
and liberty. Look at that. Look how classy -eyed
you are. Oh, my God. It's a comedy show, you
creeps. We're barbecued. And then look at that
one. I was dressed like an astronaut. He was
in a ghillie suit. That's great. He's the best.
That's great. Smart guy. I do some of the best
podcasts ever with him. Now, he's so fun. Is
this your first shroom ep? No, I did shrooms
with Post Malone. That was probably the first
one I did. Post Malone rules. Does he? Yeah.
He definitely rules. Really? I don't know. He
rules. I'd like to know. He's great. He's a great
guy, too. His Nirvana thing was great. He's fucking
great. He's also really fun to hang out with.
We had a good fucking time. It was a lot of fun.
We were laughing, and he was talking about kicking
a wolf's ass. He was like, I wish some bitch
-ass wolf would try. But he knew. We were just
talking shit, and we were laughing hard, man.
He's a funny dude, man. He's a funny dude. That
dude could be a comic. All right. No bullshit.
Yeah, he's a funny dude. He tells funny stories.
I wish a wolf would try. I wish that bitch -ass
wolf would try. I mean, we're barbecued, and
we're just talking nonsense. I'm pretty sure
we were drinking, too. It was a lot. There was
a lot going on in that episode. But it was really
fun. But he's just a fucking regular dude who's
got a wild talent. Everybody's a regular guy.
Exactly. Every single celeb. They started out
regular. Yeah, everybody. And when they're not,
it's just a defensive mechanism. Exactly. I feel
bad for the face tattoos. How are you going to
get a job? He'll be up. Kids like the face tattoos
today. Quiznos. For some reason. They won't hire
me. Those face tattoos say I don't give a fuck.
It's a red flag to an HR. I'll scribble on my
face. Not a bad looking guy, I guess. Great looking
guy. Good hairline. I like it. Yeah, good hairline.
You gotta love the hairline. Yeah. Solid. Look
at those mitts. Your hands are fucking wild,
dude. Yeah. It looks like those Hulk hands. It
looks like he's wearing the gloves. Yeah. When
I was little, it was very weird when I was young.
Imagine Joe Rogan as a six -year -old with those
hands. Gangly little body with those big -ass
hands. Breaking blocks. When I first started
doing martial arts, I was skinny, really skinny,
but I had these big -ass hands and feet. It's
weird. Decent dong. Dongs stay the same. That's
a rumor going around. Fitzsimmons, too. Big dick?
Huge hog. I bet he got an angry dick. Oh, Irish
potato dick. Angry pale dick. Pale. Definitely
pale. Coming to get you. It can be 19 inches.
It's pale. Coming to get you. He's Irish, man.
Like a fucking Northman. Every woman. You're
about to get impaled. You're ready for this pounding.
I got a mole on mine. No way. That's a problem.
Isn't it a trip how different people agree to
talk in different parts of the world? We just
talk, hi, give it a pound, and you know it's
from that part of the world. That's true. If
you're talking like us, if you're over there,
if you're in England, and you're doing an impression
of an American, and you're talking like us, it's
probably hilarious. It's funny that Boston is
the transition. That's still a little hang -up
from English. Do you know sign language is a
different language in different countries? Oh,
no. What a drag. What a drag. One chance to get
it right. They can't communicate with each other.
You only had one chance to get that right. As
soon as it gets scattered, it's going to be like
Bitcoin. It's going to be like all these other
dog coins. And it's also English. Irish sign
language is different than English sign language
is different than American sign language. Why'd
they do that? Someone's probably going to patent
it and say, no, this is RE sign language. That's
right. Everybody else is sign language. Go fuck
yourselves. But if you want to use this one,
I got a piece. Yeah. What have you got? arthritis,
too. You can only talk to deaf people in Ireland.
That's a good point, Mark Normand. I have a point.
That's a good point. That's a very good point.
I'm just saying. You're mute. Here's a true story.
Dave Foley from NewsRadio cured his arthritis
with CBD. Whoa. No, really? Yeah, he used to
have heavy arthritis in his hands. His hands
didn't move well. CBD worked. He started taking
CBD and it just completely - Does it? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. I don't know. No. 100%. 100 % it works.
At minimum, it's the balm, but whatever it is,
rub that shit on sore joints, it works. It's
up here. No, no. No, no, no. It reduces inflammation.
It definitely reduces inflammation. All right.
It definitely is good for you. After a hike,
it's the best. I feel the difference. And the
combination of the two. The thing is, the big
one is if you do THC with CBD. When I was in
California and it was legal, you could get these
things from Speedweed that were like one to one.
It was like one THC to one CBD. It was phenomenal.
All right. That's nice. Because it was like,
it relaxed you. It was really good for the muscles,
but it also just gets you. You get a little tuned
up. And it's no side effects. Exactly. And you
can't get hooked on it. Power, dude. Have you
ever tried those to help you sleep? What? CBD.
Like some CBD, like THC supplements? I have,
actually. Yeah, that does help. It helps, but
it's not enough. I need that punch. I need a
real knockout. Oof. I know, it's bad. Ambien
works, but it is rough. Like you wake up on the
floor. So the Seroquel is less rough. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Yeah, I know a bunch of people that love
the Ambien. Bad news. A lot of people in the
production side of business where they're fucking
working constantly and they're overworked and
overstressed and they've got to conk out because
they've got to be up in seven hours no matter
what. Oh, yeah. Just pop it. Totally. Pop it.
Let's go. But it fucks you. You're wonky. And
if you wake up, is it possible that you could
wake up and be fully ambient up still? Like Venom,
right? Those people were. They were awake. Venom?
Spider -Man. Yeah, he would take over Peter Parker
and then he'd put him back to bed at the end
of the night. He didn't even know he was up crime
fighting. You haven't peed yet. No. I'm dying
to pee. To the death. What's going on in this
bubble you got here? Or, you know, this gut you
got here. I'm getting fat again. How have you
been with the working out? A lot of hoodies.
I've been good with the working out, but my food
intake is off the charts. And also boozing. We've
been boozing a little this month. Booze is empty
calories. It's real. Yep. This is my posture.
Even whiskey. The problem with doing these sober
October type deals is when you get obsessed and
you go through something for like a month, at
the end of it you want to celebrate and you don't
want to do anything anymore. and I've been trying
to keep up the workouts, and I'm going to make
myself do five days a week. Jesus, that's all.
You've got kids, man. It's not hard to do it.
You aim for the fucking victory line, like just
stay strong until that day, and then I'm good,
and then you take a week off, and now it's a
new habit. Now it's boozing. Boozing. Been boozing
this month. What about the kids stuff? Not bad.
I'd like to have kids one day, and I worry about
the comedy. Some kid's going to go, hey, look
at your dad's talking about pedophilia. It's
a real question. Well. Is that a thing? It is
a thing. How do you handle that, Ted? You're
an adult human being. Adult human beings talk
like that. That's what they do. It's an art form.
It's called stand -up comedy. It doesn't mean
he fucking means those things. Right, like Ozzy's
eating a bat. You can talk a lot of shit in my
house. Really? Yeah. I let my kids talk all kinds
of crazy shit. Oh, that's fun. It's fun. And
if they crack on you and they get you, it's funny.
That's healthy. But it's also teaching them how
to banter with people so people don't make them
feel bad. Now, do they get shit from other people
who don't like you? Not that I hear about. All
right, that's good. They keep it to themselves.
A lot of bullies out there. I still picture a
kid like one years old, so whatever. A kid barely
able to walk. Yeah, how old are we talking about?
Look, it's super bizarre being any person that
has kids. Yes. You're making little human beings.
That's the most bizarre. All the other bizarre
stuff, the extra stuff that comes with being
famous, that's not nearly as bizarre as just
the making the human being part. That's wacky.
Everybody gets that. If you're a parent, everybody
gets that, which is the wack. which is you just
made a human. Yes. And now they exist. You've
got to teach them stuff and raise them and high
-five them. Oh, yeah. And it's crazy you can
do that on accident. Yeah, you're just leaving
it a little too long. I used to have a joke about
that. Two seconds. About how it should be like
one of those bad action movies where a president
and the general have to turn the key at the exact
same time. That's what it should be. It should
be that much. You should have a sensor on your
dick to make sure it's not hard. Have a kick.
Let this poor fool. He's getting close to hard.
His choices are getting very, very touchy. I
have to pee, but I don't want to look in the
mirror. It's going to fuck me up. I went and
looked in the mirror. It wasn't great. Yeah,
yeah. We got to look at that all day. The small
dick when you pee on... Just that exchange right
there. I looked in the mirror. It wasn't great.
We got to look at that all day. That was a good
exchange. I know what you mean. Yes. I'm nervous
about it. We should both fucking Blues Brothers
over here. With these shades. Oh, my God. Shade
Gillis. Shame Gillis. It's killing me. Shame
Gillis. This pod's finally cooking, baby. It's
only been three hours. I mean, you're doodling.
He's writing hostage notes. You thought fucking
psychedelics was a good idea for this podcast.
That was not me, dude. I said no. I saw your
hat and I was like, wait, what? It's like a right
-sized jar. You did say no. Good times, though.
I had a good time. Mark's fucked up. He's fucked
up. He's a weird fucking guy. I didn't know how
weird he was until I saw that stack of notes.
I'm reevaluating our friendship. The stack of
notes is wild. It's a fucking fucked up thing
to see while you're high, too. It's amazing.
Insane notes. Well, that's why he's so funny.
It's also like that style of jokes he has on
stage. He's off stage. It's mine still just going
to this. I'm going to the gym. You're like, what?
One thing you have to admit, you got to admit,
you got to admit that stack of notes. It's like,
that's dedication. Oh, yeah, he's nonstop writing.
That's a real dedication. That's a crazy step.
It's crazy the way he organizes it, but what
he's writing down, that amount of focus. Nonstop.
He loves it. He loves it. And he's great. That's
why he's so funny, man. Yeah, that's why he's
one of the best. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, when he
was struggling over that half hour, he's like,
give me Netflix, I don't know. And then at some
point, everyone's like, you'll just write a new
hour in six months. He goes, oh, yeah, you're
right. Yeah. It's so fast. Yeah, he's an animal.
Non -stop. But seeing that thing, I'm like, dude,
you're going to be walking real fucked up when
you get old. You can't sit on your ass like that
with one lump over here and one lump over there.
Oh, but the wallet balances it out. It doesn't
balance that shit. You're not supposed to be
sitting on these unbalanced things, man. Just
fucking get a fanny pack, pussy. Look, just like
this. They sell them everywhere. No, I disagree
with that. You get them, you wear them. Definitely
don't get that. There's another answer. Are you
wearing fanny packs? Because I don't give a fuck.
That's where I keep my keys. You should care
somewhat. What about your pocket? What about
your front pocket for your keys? That's where
the weed and the Fear Factor money goes. Still
laying them down. Because I made a good point.
You're like, well, guess what, bitch? I love
money. No, man, I like fanny packs because I
don't like shit in my pockets. I hate stuff in
my pockets. It stabs you when you have to move
fast. If you want to, like, go up a flight of
stairs and then you got this fucking chapstick
in your... fucking pants rubbing against your
dick. I watched this fucking psycho walk down
an escalator. He went on the wrong fucking...
He's always trying to get some workouts in. I
watched him do it. It took him a minute. He tried
to walk on it. Once you commit to something like
that, you just turn around. He's halfway up.
I watched him the whole way. I was like, no way
he's going to do this. It's such a douchebag
move, too. For all the people that are coming
up, they're like, what the fuck, buddy? And you're
like, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Like,
you're barely getting through the river. Yeah,
I had luggage, too. You wouldn't even see it.
No, you had luggage. Yeah, it was bad. It was
at the lounge, too, the nice lounge. You're going
up the, oh, my God. I was trying to go down.
We were at the top. We were going down. He went
down the escalator going up, and he, like. I
just said, yeah, I've never seen it like it.
I've never seen it like it. Nobody does that.
It's like a Mr. Bean. Nobody does that. It was
bad. You know, we make mistakes. You know. Take
that fucking knot out of your pocket, please.
Just do me a favor. Get a backpack. Get something
manly. Get something that you can live with.
Manly? What's more manly than living with pain,
baby? You're going to fuck your back up, I'm
telling you. All right. And once you do, it's
not good. Backs are real bad. I'm going to the
oxy. Doctors want to fuse them. Trust me. I'll
take the Percocet. They want to replace discs.
You want to avoid that if you can. If you can.
You're scaring me now. Yeah, you gotta listen
to me. Let's go back to the funny stories. Yeah,
but just listen to me, man. You can't be fucking
sitting on a giant five... It's very... We were
saying it's an amazing testament to your dedication
as a stand -up. Yeah, we were being nice. We
were. It's pretty dope. We were like, it's pretty
dope. It's kind of inspiring. Let's go back to
the escalator. See a stack of fucking papers
like that? That's a lot of writing. That's actually
like, yeah. It's old. Very old stuff. Don't be
humble. That's all good stuff. It's great. That's
a pile of staged shit. You're a psycho. Brian
Humble. You're a full -on joke -writing psycho.
You are, dude. That's wild. I just don't, I love
you and I don't want you to hurt your back. I
appreciate it. You just miss all of them. 90
% of your shit's undiscovered. Well, it's because
it's fucking gibberish. You hang out with him.
He's just Brian Humble. Sometimes you're on the
walk home. You left Norman and you're just like,
oh. I see what he said. Dude, it took me like
a week and a half to figure out what your six
million meant. You're like, believe in yourself.
I'm like, dude, you can make it. You can get
there. That's funny. I'm giving him a pep talk.
I'm like, I'm telling you, eight million's real.
I'm always back to the Holocaust. You guys won't
shut up. It probably wasn't William. When you
think about it, it probably wasn't William. So
many complaints. I was watching, I watched that
fucking, I might have talked about this before.
Schindler? The devil next door, that guy. That
was a good movie. Oh, Ivan the Terrible. That
was a good movie. I was high enough that it was
very, very funny. Is that a documentary? Like,
he was just in Ohio. factory worker, and somebody
was like, aren't you that SS guard? And he was
like, what? Oh, my God. And they were like, aren't
you fucking Ivan the Terrible? Who's this equally
old person? No. Really? They shipped him back
to Jerusalem. He didn't go to Argentina. He went
somewhere else. How did he know the look of a
Nazi guy? No, no, he was there. Survivor was
like, wait, wait, I know this guy. That was a
tough question. Here's the thing. I was watching
him for the first time. Obviously, it's extremely
dark, but it was funny. If you imagine that he
is just a factory worker that's just like, what?
And they're like, no, you're that guy. What if
he's like one of those guys? Yeah, what if he
was not that? I think he might be. What if he's
one of those guys that looks like Drake? Yeah.
That's it. Right? There's a lot of people that
look like Slep. There's a guy that looks like
Tom Selleck. He's real close to Tom Selleck.
Impersonator. Right? There's guys like that.
And now you're 80, and you're like, that is him.
Right. And as you're getting older, your face
looks like a fucking plane to Jerusalem where
they're going to hang you. I'm not here. I'm
telling you. What a snitch. But that's not how
he responded. And every single thing in the jury,
they're like, are you him? He's like. He wasn't
even. What? He was just like, no. I don't know
what you guys are talking about. It was so good.
Was it him? No, it was fucked up. Do you think
it was him? Last night, yes. Yeah. Just because
nobody, if it was you on trial for, were you
the fucking. SS officer at Treblinka, you'd be
like, fuck no. You'd think by the end he'd be
like, yeah, it was me. Fuck you guys. I saw it
too. He hung in there. Jesus, dude. Did he get
hung? No, he got hung. He hung in there. Did
they hang him? They did. No. He died in prison.
Wait, didn't he die before? He got a five -year
sentence and he died trying to get a appeal.
He was appealing or something like that. He died
while he was appealing, so according to their
law, he's not guilty. Is that the thing? He was
not found. There's not enough evidence to find
him guilty of being Ivan the Terrible, but they
did. We're at least a guard. I think legally,
though, if you die while on trial, you're not
guilty. Oh, I don't know. Isn't that a thing?
I'm not disagreeing. It's a part of innocence,
right? But who cares? You're dead anyway. Yeah,
you're dead. But they try people after they're
dead. Yeah, so they no longer seek a determination
on his guilt or innocence. Yeah. German legal
system. German legal system. When they have trials,
when people are dumb. Talk about your own rules,
huh? Yeah. They've had, like, these mock trials
of people after they're dead. What are you doing?
Oh, sorry. Ray Charles. Good shroom. They've
had those mock trials for people after they're
dead, right? Just so they can say, like, you're
guilty. Yeah, what does that mean? Is that, like,
a fake trial? Fake trial. Yeah. Is that just
for publicity? Yeah. Are there actors? Yeah,
does someone have to go play Hitler and be like,
ah, I plead guilty? We got a lot of questions
here, fellas. Jamie's like, slow down. No, what
I mean, they, like, try people after they're
dead. They've had, I feel like, is that a thing?
They did something on TV recently. I'm trying
to find. Just so the legal system can say, like,
we also are on the side that he did. Right, right,
right. We got a show tonight? No chance. No chance.
Zero chance. Zero chance. What are you saying?
I'm getting on a flight back to fucking New York
right now. Yeah. I'm like you when we did Molly,
dude. I'm going home. I'm going to bed, dude.
I'm going home. We have the best set of your
life. I'm definitely not going on stage tonight.
In about four hours. Let's go to dinner. Let's
live it up like kings. I'm so hungry. I could
eat. Let's do that, too. I had about nine bars
out of the vending machine. I could eat a thing
right now. You have an appetite for real? I could
eat pussy. Jesus. The way you said it was threatening.
How do you do it? All right. Show me your ways.
I'm not good at it. I've gotten the tap a few
times. I got pissed, too. Finally have to piss.
I'll be right back. All right. Damn it. I needed
ten more minutes. I could have outlasted you.
Six minutes. I can keep going. Oh, get out of
here. Let's bond beers. I don't want to be competitive.
All right. It's the three -hour mark. We're at
three hours? Oh, all right. This is the cruising
zone. Holy shit, dude. What a fucking podcast.
I don't know if it's good or bad, up, down, left,
right, gay, straight, but I'm having a blast.
I'll be honest, man. It's a very intense thing
to be very high on mushrooms. On the biggest
platform in America? Then you just listen to...
dumb fucking conversation. You're like, what?
Yeah, I was fighting through that crypto thing.
I almost took a nap. You know what I mean, Jamie?
You go, what the heck? Jamie, don't you sit around
sometimes? Yeah, that's what I do. Jamie, what
do you want to talk about, dude? Nobody ever
asked Jamie. That's true. He's a quiet little
guy. He's not little, dude. Jamie's... Yes, Jamie's
a psycho. I take it all back. Jamie's a monster.
He's got more guns than Rogan. Jamie, let's do
this. You get to bring it up, dude. What's Jamie
bringing up? Have you done an ep in the hot seat?
No, not over there. They need you on the ones
and twos. Yeah, I've been on a show, though.
I'm on all of them. Yeah, there's been a couple
where I've been involved more. Oh, that's fun.
Without a guest. But you're so mysterious, the
man behind the curtain. Well, let's keep it that
way. That's pretty good. I don't have a camera
on me right now, so I can't put it on me. I'm
just switching between you two. We look like
fucking dumbasses. Uh -oh, what happened in the
bathroom with Ari? Yes, it's not great in there.
And Ari is in the bathroom peeing, and his dog
is this far from the door and doesn't move. The
dog just sits there with... With her nose through
the door and doesn't move. No, I'm just fingering
that dog. That's the kind of love that you get
from a rescue dog. That's not a dog that was
raised with love as a puppy. That's a dog that's
experienced neglect. It's sad again. It's dark
again. It's not dark. It's a nice thing. The
dog loves them. The dog loves the shit out of
them. But that kind of love, you get that love.
It's a different kind of love that you get from
dogs that have experienced bad times. My wife
was a rescue. Wait for the door. It's beautiful.
Yeah, she's a nice lady. Hell of a bitch. I like
that picture of the two of you guys in that 2002,
that old school BMW that you have. Oh, that's
a killer car. That thing runs like a top. They're
great cars, man. They're so well engineered.
You know that car saved BMW? They were going
under, and that car brought them out of it. Really?
Yeah. Is it a manual? Oh, yeah. Four speed. It's
a little go -kart. It weighs like eight pounds.
Yeah, it's probably pretty good to handle, too,
right? It handles great. It's really fun to drive.
And those cars will fucking run forever, too.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I took it to the shop just
to make sure, and they're like, it's perfect.
Are you going to spend some of that sweet, sweet
YouTube money on a nice car? I think you need
one, son. Yeah, well, that money could buy maybe
a nice 60. I think you need one. I've been trying
to talk you into a BMW for years. You probably
got like an 89 Jetta with that money. You need
a nice, like, maybe a Civic. A BMW M3. It's a
four -door. E30 is nice, too. It's a very sophisticated
car. It's very calm. I used to doodle BMW Insignias
when I was in high school. You should get one.
Those are the ovens? Really? You should get one.
Until you're drunk? Get an M4. Get the coupe
since you're high society. That's the M3. Damn,
that's so sporty. Oh, that's a wrap. I just don't
want to go through the trouble of buying it.
Yeah, that looks like it's a bitch. I don't want
to spend like three days buying a car. It's a
lot of research. Look how good that thing looks.
Turn around and look. I love this car. Just do
the paperwork. Turn around and look at that.
Shane Gill. That's an ugly color with that weird
look. That's just a weird wrap. You want me driving
that fucking thing? That car is amazing. You
got out of that car? You seem like an SUV guy.
Yeah, it's nice. You see that one, that little
silver one? Look at that Chevy Cruze, Jamie.
Jamie, bring up the 2018. That's an E46. That's
nice. I have an E46. Really? Yeah. Those are
great cars. Great car. Great car. That is a fast
fucking car. Now, bring up one that looks like
it's been in an accident. It's so well balanced.
The one that looks like it's been in an accident?
Yeah, a New York version of the same car. Oh,
yeah, I guess. They're getting ugly with these
big openings. Bumper protectors on everything.
Yeah. That's so ridiculous, those things. The
grill is too big. But that's what you need, Ari.
That's what I need. I'll get it. You don't fucking
need that. You don't need an E46. You don't need
that shit. You need to get a horse. Get up into
the mountains. I'll drive a horse around New
York. That'd be great. You don't even need the
M3. A milk bucket. He's more of a rickshaw guy.
Give yourself a nice three series. Chevy Cruze.
Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Got some
groceries in the back? Look at that. That thing's
got some whip in it. Backdoor latches. They blurred
it because it's going so fast. That's how they
took the picture. That's an ugly -ass orange.
That's a fucking good car, Jamie. Overhead lights
are going off automatically? Chevy Cruze, baby.
What's the car that brings the least amount of
excitement when you see it? Probably a black
2018 Chevy Cruze. That's what I had. That blue
color. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. I'll be honest.
I love that car. That's a good rental. You get
a rental car, you want that. I gave it to my
sister. Now she drives it, and I'm jealous. I'm
going to try to doll it up. I want it back. I
want it back. I want it back. You got a canvas
interior, stock, AM, FM. Okay, but go to a...
A Prius? Go to a Prius. Let's see what a Prius
looks like. Prius is ugly. Sucks. Is that the
least joyful car? They're trying to look a little
sexy. They're trying to sex it up, but it's not
going to happen. That one up there, that gold
one's pretty sexy. Well, Tesla came in and jizzed
right in their face. Is that what a Prius looks
like now? They're trying. Okay, that looks pretty
good. Big rims. That's a lot better looking than
the old ones. Look at that S. Look at that one
getting from the top, that gold one. Right there,
the next one. Yeah, that one. So you can see
it from the top. And this was starving Elon Musk?
Bro, that's a Prius now? That's a good -looking
car. I disagree. No, it's disgusting. Don't you
feel silly driving that, though? You feel silly.
You feel silly with that? Yeah. Why? Go get groceries?
The fucking Kill Bill gets out of that car. You're
driving that? You dress like a moron going to
get groceries? That's a cool -looking little
car. You guys are right in your mind. It's too
much for normal use. It's a fucking Toyota. It's
too much what for normal use? What does that
mean? Sex. Too much sex for normal use. You guys
talking about sex? You think it's sexy? I think
that's a good looking little car. I don't know.
The old ones used to look like shit. Volkswagen
Rabbit. Whenever Greg Fitzsimmons would show
up in his Prius, I'd be like, Gregory. Yeah,
I need a Mustang. That's it. That's the old one.
Larry David car. That one's ridiculous. That
does suck. That's just like, we don't give a
fuck what it looks like. You're sensible. We're
just getting there. Just get there. Your life's
not filled with joy. Your life is boring. I was
like, listen, the sound's going off. We're at
a stoplight. It went off completely. Oh, cool.
Oh, yeah. I remember that. It was a big deal.
Yeah. Now everybody's engine shuts off at every
stoplight. Like what? Isn't that weird that it
starts back up? Yeah. It's strange. Or you just
press that button. Override? Yeah. I hate the
button. Burn the fuel. I like a real yank. A
yanker. Vroom, vroom. You're driving like an
ancient car. Ancient. It's 50 years old. Bavaria?
No, no. 2002. 2002, yeah. And it's tiny. The
person is next to you. It's weird. Yeah, but
it's probably a lot of fun. It's a hell of a
time. And that's your daily driver? You drive
that around? I drive it to gigs in Jersey and
D .C. you know, upstate. Once a month. Once a
month. Like a menstrual. Never fucks up on you?
Not once. You got a good guy that fixes it? I
got a hell of a guy. That's important. Yeah,
he's in Jersey. There she goes. Look at the interior.
Look at that radio. That's a stock radio. Look
at that thing jiggling. Dude, that is so sweet.
Who designed the car? What do you mean design
it? Or help work on the car. Oh, I wish I could
think of his Hitler. Are you driving this thing?
If you go further down, are you driving it? Look
at that good looking car, man. Look at how disgusting
this city is. I mean, where exactly do you park
it? It's so gross everywhere. I park in a garage,
they're raping me. Oh, look at that old watch.
You're actually listening to the radio? Yeah.
Dude, you are fucked up. This is crazy. You listen
to the radio. That's so fun to drive. He's listening
to AM radio because that's the only option on
that fucking thing. Look at the round taillights.
I can't even afford a license plate. Oh, you
can see it's leaning a little bit. Boys, if we
were born 20 years earlier, we'd be on AM radio.
But isn't it crazy? Old ladies drove those to
work. You had to just shift it up. Yeah. Crazy.
Yeah. Well, if you go to other countries, they
still do it. In Italy, everybody still drives
a manual. But also, there's no crumpled zone
on that cum guzzler. You're done. You're doing
an accent. You get hit. It's over. There's not
a lot there. No, you're done. No airbag. Yeah,
not a lot there. Those old cars are interesting.
You ever had an airbag hit you? No. It sucks.
I bet. It's not fun. What did it happen? You
get covered in powder. Really? I was in a car
that flipped in high school, and we landed in
a ditch, and the airbag popped. You hit your
head pretty bad? Yeah, we were upside down. What?
I undid the buckle. I fell. I dropped. I hit
the ceiling. What were you like before that?
Is that when you thought you were funny? I was
a preacher. Something happened. Ow! Ow! Something
happened, dude. Oh, yeah. We were tubing. This
is Louisiana shit. Oh, yeah. I didn't know how
to write a joke before. Bro, how many comics
became comics after head injuries? Two that I
know. Roseanne and Kinison. Yeah, those are big
ones. Maybe you too, hun. Maybe. Maybe you too.
Good band. Maybe Shane? How many times did you
play football? I came out dumb as hell. That's
a tour. A CTE tour. A CTE tour. Oh, yeah. You
went to a good college. I used to be smart. Well,
you know your history. You watch documentaries
now. You know the Crusades like the back of your
anal. Don't get me going on the Crusades. I love
the Crusades. I watched a YouTube video on it.
It's fucking fascinating. Crusades is funny.
Your bit about the dudes who like history is
fucking hilarious. Yeah, you're just going to
be guaranteed. You're going to be Republican.
Yeah. You're right. If you go over to a guy's
house, he's got a book on Thomas Jefferson on
his front shelf. That's so true. This guy's voting
red. I love your werewolf bit, too. I don't even
do it anymore. I've been quoting that all over
town. Yeah, you gotta do it. That's a great bit
about how, like... Becoming a Republican is like
turning into a werewolf. You're like, there's
so many black people in these commercials. I
still do that one. That's a great bit. It's funny.
I went home for Thanksgiving. I got to watch
my dad watch TV. It's been so long since I saw
an old man watching TV. Yeah. It's great. What
was that like? He's just got to watch. Old guys
have to watch commercials all day. That's who
the commercials are for. They're just drilling
old guys stuck on a couch. They're like, what
the fuck is this? They're buying coins. Two guys
making out and they're like, buy fucking insurance.
How wild is that? A lot of coins, a lot of plates.
Commemorative plates are still going. It's crazy
watching commercials now. Yeah, I get to see
the Fox News commercials are the best. Mike Lindell.
I'm Mike Lindell. Are you the victim of a conspiracy?
Behind him is a picture of Jesus and a lion.
Selling pillows? Oh, fuck. He lost his marriage
over that pillow. He made it in the basement,
and the wife was like, come up. He's like, fuck
you, cut. Wow, is that a quote? Yeah, yeah, it's
on the pillow. Wow, what a dude. A lion! Certificate
of excellence. Jesus and the lion. This is the
fucking... And then an eagle and a folded flag
all together in that picture. He's got the Last
Supper in the back. He's got the cross pin. And
I think that might be green screen, too. No.
It might be, dude. That's his office. Is it real,
Jamie? That's a black guy walking in that room.
He'd be like, I gotta get out of here. It's not
green screen. Imagine walking in there. You'd
be like, what the fuck's wrong with you, dude?
Jesus with a lion. You would know exactly what
you can and can't say to that guy. Oh, yeah.
Tell him you're transitioning. He'll shoot you
with a shotgun. He really would. Short circuit.
Margaret, unlock the vault. Yeah, cut my dick
off. He would start turning the thing on the
wall. The combination on the wall. wall. He'd
move a picture out of the way. You don't put
a fucking vault on the wall. There's your next
ghillie. That's so funny, dude. That's what it
looks like. You could just walk in there and
be like, yeah, I'm ready to suck some dick. You'd
be so dead. You'd push a button, the door would
slam with a metal gate, and you'd be done. Homophobia.
It's funny. It's weird how prevalent it is with
certain right -wing people. It's weird how prevalent
it is. I've had many conversations with people
that just don't think that gay people should
be allowed to get married. I'm like, are you
anti -freedom? What the fuck are you talking
about? They just think they have a stronger hold
on their world. You want to define that it's
only between a man and a woman. That's what it
means. It's a made -up thing. Jamie brought it
up after Matt Walsh had left. He and I had a
conversation where, Jamie, you brought up, wasn't
Nero married to a man? All the Greeks. Or Romans.
Yeah, yeah. It goes back to ancient Greece. Same
thing. Yeah, I think it said he had two husbands
or boyfriends or something like that. Nero? Yeah,
why not? More pleasure. Well, there's a big difference
between husbands and boyfriends. Boyfriends go
fuck themselves. The husbands get a piece of
the booty. I mean, by that, I mean loot. Pirate's
booty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was an accident.
I don't know if that's where booty comes from.
Yeah, maybe. Like the booty hole. No. Maybe.
Hey, we got seizure. Julius seizure. This is
too much. The perfect amount. Here it is. Roman
homosexuality was not expressed with romantic
love, but with riotous orgies. It's often linked
to notorious Emperor Nero, a hedonistic ruler
who married both women and men. A man who is
believed to have enjoyed penetrating as much
as he enjoyed being penetrated by his well -endowed
husband. Romo. He just went after it. Nero just
went after it. Good for him. Live it up. Enjoy
your life. Also, at that time of the world, that
was way more common. So why do you think that
is? I could be wrong, but with Nero, I think
a lot of it could be... Historians have looked
back at him and been like, maybe that was political
smearing. Like all the rumors we have about him.
He was Nazi, he did all this. Oh, really? Yeah,
he was a fucking gay guy, he fucked a bunch.
Interesting. It's just the enemy's propaganda
survived. But there are paintings of some real...
gay shit this is what I'm saying like for back
in the day I mean for lack of a better technical
term yes yes paintings of some gay shit I sound
like a black guy but yeah yeah no it's always
existed it's existing like someone sent me something
existing like More than 100 different animals,
isn't it? But we're the only... I just saw a
video of some kid talking about it. He said 1
,500 in that video. 1 ,500 different animals
are homosexual. And none of them are homophobic,
except us. I knew your dog was gay, dude. That
dog's a girl, bro. They can be gay. He's a butt
bandit. He's a butt bandit. Maybe. I don't care.
I'll embrace him. Aw, you're a sweetie. Yeah,
there you go. You can't come to the house anymore
if you haven't embraced my gay dog. Dogs lick
their own butthole. They lick their own balls.
Your dog waits outside the door of the bathroom.
Only a rescue dog ever would. She was born into
captivity. Her mom was rescued when she was pregnant.
Skips a generation. Her mom was rescued when
she was pregnant. Yeah, so she never had any
trauma. So it's not a rescue. No, so it's not?
It's not a rescue? It's from a rescue, but it
was born into a rescue. Well, when did you get
her? How old was she when you got her? A month.
A month? Yeah, maybe two. So she was in this
rescue shelter for a month? Yeah. That alone?
Maybe. Yeah, no, for sure. No, they were great.
They loved her. I'm sure they're great. I'm sure
they're great. Yeah, we got the whole litter.
They were all having such a blast, man, in some
lady's apartment. It was a big apartment. They're
probably too young to know that. Oh, it's an
apartment. Yeah. There was a good time there
at that shelter. They were having a blast. I
have not been there in the same life. That's
good. Well, the dog just loves you then. The
dog just sits outside. I had it in my head. I
had a narrative all made up. Wrong. Because it
was a rescue dog. You probably got it when it
was three months old. It's the best, dude. You
come out. I've been in here for two hours. And
she's like, what's up? I'm like, yes. Oh, yeah.
It's the best feeling. How old is she? Three,
just over three. And you've had her since she
was? Three years old. So late August to like
late November. So was she like six weeks old
or something like right after? Yeah. Right when
you could take the puppy? Yeah. Was it like right
when you could take the puppy? That's the best.
Yeah. Good for you. You're happy. You got a special.
You're ugly. I mean, you're doing great. I'm
just saying, you know, I had to throw something
in there. But I'm glad to see you happy. I'm
all shroomed up. That dog is the love. That dog
loves you, man. There's a lot of love. There
is a lot of love. Yeah. I'll be honest, guys.
I fucking love you guys. Jamie, I can do without
you. All right. Deleted. Jamie. Jamie. I accidentally
deleted everything. Jamie, do you remember when
Michigan played Ohio State? All right. That's
a little blow. Bring that up. Don't bring up
Ohio State. You fucking jerk. I find it hilarious
when dudes get very hurt about a team where they
don't even live in that place anymore. I fucking
love it, dude. It gives you hope. I think it's
fun. That's what I root for. Is that the one
you brought up? Ohio State. I was at that. Oh,
really? What'd you say? Waste your time? The
Cut Guys. I had a great time. Ohio Stadium is
class, dude. Bunch of class acts in fucking Columbus,
Ohio. That's a good city. All roads lead to Columbus.
Really? Yeah, family ties. Columbus, Ohio. Oh.
Now you're showing your age there. Yeah. What
do they have there? It's not a punchline. The
best funny bone is in Columbus. That's a great
funny bone. It's the flagship. That's a great
find. God hates flags. Have you ever seen the
All Roads Lead to Rome? Keep it in. Keep it in.
What? Like, All Roads Lead to Rome. I don't know
how exaggerated this is. Oh, my God. Wow. Is
this real? I've seen this going around. It could
be exaggerated. Every road? Darkened some lines
and whatnot, you know? Looks like my ex -wife's
legs. Boink. I'm so fucked up. if that's really
how the romans traveled is that really how they
travel i think that's sort of like how they travel
and then those now have turned into modern day
roads and highways and jesus christ that's awesome
it looks like arteries do you think that pattern
just exists yeah with everything it exists with
blood oh whoa Oh, kooky. Yeah, I feel like this
picture's exaggerated. That's just how you draw.
You can do all roads lead to fucking the Czech
Republic if you wanted. I think they exaggerated
this a lot because they darkened the middle lines
and made it look like Vans of a Leaf. The same
with Boston. It all comes back to Boston. It's
all these outside stuff, Worcester. I'm reaching.
What? Jack Reacher. No, he pulled it on you.
Reacher Lawson. I asked the guy, why are the
Boston comics so it's like Patrice and Louie
and Stano, but all these guys, Dane Cook and
Gary Goldman just keep going rogue. It's just
so many Boston guys. And he said, well, it's
because of the outside towns. We act like it's
Boston, but it's all the outside. But I'm like,
still, that's insane. It's a lot. Well, that's
enough people to provide. That's still pretty
good for one outside. The reason why it got so
good is because there was a core guys of really
funny guys in the early 80s. And everybody just
kind of like imitated them. And that was like
Barry Crimmins and Lenny Clark and Don Gavin
and those fucking animals. Sweeney, yeah. Mike
Donovan. Those guys back in that Chinese restaurant,
the Ding Ho, they like established comedy there.
It was a place called the Ding Ho. Apparently
it was the shit. And the guy lost. Lost it in
a gambling match. Really? Gambled away all the
money. They had to close the place down. But
the place was the shit. I miss that era. But
that era produced these comics that were so fucking
funny. And you'd go to see guys like Don Gavin
live. You'd be like, holy shit, I should just
quit comedy. That guy was so fucking funny. Dude,
you would see him murder in the 80s and the 90s.
You'd be like, I should just quit. Like, why
am I doing this? Why isn't he famous? I guess
he never left. Is he the one in Louie's movie?
He never left. In Joe's movie? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I met him. He's nice. He's a great guy. Louie's
bag. He just never left. There's a lot of those
guys who just never left. Never left. And it
was pre -YouTube. It was pre -YouTube. They couldn't
get specials. And, you know, in town, they were
the funniest people you'd ever seen in your life.
They were so good. And they made a great living
in Boston. And they shattered the whole nebbishy
thing. These Woody Allen kind of Jewy, like,
oh, we're all awkward and uncomfortable. And
they're like, no, no, we're doing blow. These
guys were all six foot two, punching each other,
doing coke, fighting with the cops. They were
wild people, man. They were wild people. That's
why I got into comedy. It was a different sort
of thing in Boston. And it was because of those
guys. These people that started out in the beginning.
And then, oddly enough, Stephen Wright. Oh, yeah.
He's great. He was the outsider there. Stephen
Wright popped on The Tonight Show, and everybody
was like, what is going on in Boston? And then
all these other guys were like, when is my turn
coming up? There's a great documentary about
it, When Stand -Ups Stood Out. That's right.
Yeah, because he was so the opposite of those
guys. What? You ever saw it? When Stand -Ups
Stood Out? Yeah. You should watch it. That's
a fun one. It's amazing. It's Fran Salamita did
it. He was a comic from Boston, and he made this
documentary. Must watch. And it's just all about
that era where everybody was, like, scrambling
to get on television. Gold Rush. Yeah. Yeah,
there was a lot of great comics. That's when
they do the whole, how do you want to get paid,
white or green? Wow. They said it to me. Really?
They said it to me, yeah. You want to get paid
in Coke or cash? I'm like, just give me the money.
Coke every time. I just want money, man. Yeah,
I can buy Coke. But they sold it. Coke every
time? Yeah, they sold it. Every fucking dude,
two weeks. He's done it three times. I need some
green, actually. Turns out I need green. Yeah,
yeah. I gotta buy groceries. Who here has done
Coke and then gone on stage? Nope. Jamie? No,
Jamie. No, not before on stage. Never. Joey said
it was the worst. It was the worst. Adderall's
the worst. Because it wears off. I think it's
similar. Adderall sucks. But coke will wear off
in 15 minutes. Then you're on stage on a comedown.
I don't think that's what Joey was saying. Joey
was saying that there's no love, Joe Rogan. Yeah.
There's no connection with those people. You're
just the coked up maniac. You're not making any
connections with those people. Yeah, but what
about... Robin Williams was all coked up. He
was all coked up. And Pryor, apparently. Good
point. Yeah, but... They were a good point. We
gotta ask him. I don't think Pryor was getting
coked up before he was performing. Like, when
he did Live at the time of this trip. He was
ready. He was on coke. He had a party waiting
for him when he got off. He ready. Robin Williams,
though, was on stage on it, for sure. Oh, yeah.
You think Kinnison was? Yeah, I think so. Later,
maybe. Maybe later. That's why he got back. Yeah,
is that what we just saw? Yeah. He was yacked
up. You think so? Did you have that confidence?
He seemed calm. I think that was just him murdering
at the comedy store every fucking night for years.
He seemed calm. The guy told him beforehand,
he's like, dude, we're going to let you go. That's
huge. Just be yourself here. That's huge. Yeah,
before Shed's Wild. He took all those great bits
and took the cuss words out, and they were still
great. Yeah, true. They were great bits, man.
I didn't even realize how many bits he had done
on that show. There was a lot of fucks in that
bit. Oh, yeah. That he took out. He took out
and still murdered. Look at my face. Ow! But
then Letterman years later wouldn't let Hicks
do his joke. And so he's like, what happened,
man? He flipped. He cut his whole set, right?
Yeah, the Billy Ray Cyrus chunk. Why? They cut
his whole set because he had an abortion bit.
Abortion. Yeah. And so he was in his hotel. It
is amoral. Enjoying a cigar in the bathtub. Yeah.
Who was? Bill Hicks, when he found out about
it. So he did his set. Did what he wanted to
do. The material went great. Killed. Goes back.
Makes a bath. Lines in there. The old Whitney
Houston. Lighten a cigar. Enjoying themselves.
Like, fucking we did it. Giving themselves a
little bit of pleasure. And then he finds out.
They're cutting it. This is the rumor. Wow. I
mean, this is the folklore that that is how it
went down. Let's go with that because it's a
great way. And they were like, no, your thing.
They're still fighting you. I think I read it
in an article. Mm -hmm. Wow. You know. Why would
they cut it? Because of abortion. Because the
country at the time was like... Hell yeah. The
90s. That guy always had something to say. Whether
you thought it was the funniest thing you've
ever heard before or not, that's not... But...
He fucking always had something to say. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. His bits always had something to
say. To the point where you would walk away and
you're like, what am I doing? How come I don't
have anything to say? People would question how
they were doing comedy after they'd see him do
comedy. A lot of bad copycats. To the point where
the punchline in Atlanta, they had a thing in
the green room that said, quit being Hicks. Quit
trying to be Hicks. Yeah, exactly. You're not
him. A lot of copies. That's right. So many guys
wanted to be profound. They saw this guy. But
it's like, get the fucking jokes in. But you've
got to be funny, too. Get the fucking jokes in.
You've got to be funny, too. You can't just be
the preacher in Lawson. Yeah. Yeah. You know,
like, I like preacher. But I'm just saying, people
got too important. Too important. Yeah. I tried
doing this with this special. I was like, you've
got to follow Norman at the style of this thing.
You've got to be able to follow. These have to
be normal jokes that follow everybody. Hey. Well,
that's why it works so well. But I think back
then, there wasn't enough information about where
the art form was going. And so, like, people
were just trying stuff, and it hadn't been done
before. You got to be like, Kinison branches
out, never been done before. You have this new
guy, and then he... comes along with Kinison.
He's in that Outlaws of Comedy. So Kinison and
Hicks hung out together. That's why they have
similar facial features. Yeah. You see like in
that bit. Right. It's very similar to the way,
when I first saw Kinison and then I saw Hicks,
I saw Hicks at the Comedy Connection and I was
like, wow, a lot of the sounds he makes are like
the same kind of sounds. They just hung out a
lot. Yeah, they hung out a lot. Oh, yeah. So
they, you know, whoever knows, I don't know who
was the originator of it, but Hicks was very
original. Oh, yeah. Oh, 100%. And the way he
was writing, man. Like, that young man on acid
bit. Yeah. What's that one? You know that bit?
Uh -uh. Oh, my God. Google Bill Hicks, young
man on acid. It's a fucking genius bit. His closer
on the banning. What'd you find? I found the
article about him getting banned and being irate.
Oh, there you go. This is like, here's the title,
Comic Irate. Yeah. Look at these ads. Does it
say that he found out while he was in the tub?
What a downer these ads are up top. Yeah. Just
ugly women. The screen's a downer. He's in his
hotel room, yeah. I'm pretty sure he was in the
bathtub with a cigar. It said Dave gave him a
half a Vanna cigar during the break. Yeah, that
was it. He decided to smoke that cigar in his
hotel room. Robert Morton called him up and said
that Hicks' six -minute set touched too many
hot spots and in order to act, Hicks said Morton
told him. According to Hicks, Morton said he
fought tooth and nail to save it. Late show representatives,
meanwhile, are saying for the record that the
decision was a joint one between the network
and the show's producers. It was just that it
didn't fit into the show's set of standards,
said the late show spokeswoman Rosemary Keenan.
Bill Hicks said the show's producers had reviewed
and okayed his set a week before when he was
bumped for time constraints from an earlier program.
He blames the network for what he considers a
blatant act of censorship. And he says, Hicks
said, it's absolutely stunning to me the contempt
in which the network holds the audience. Hicks
said, the idea that these people have standards
is laughable. Nice, dude. He said, I performed
this stuff for my mom on her porch in Little
Rock, Arkansas. He said, I even wore a delightful
new outfit with fall colors. I didn't wear black.
He's mocking them. He's like, fuck you. I get
it. I'm done. Diet of cancer. Eat shit. Well,
that was also one of his last sets, right? Yeah,
that was a big moment for him. Oh, really? Yeah,
it was one of his last sets. Oh, damn. He smoked
like a chimney. Yeah, I knew that. Damn. Pancreatic.
You ever see the documentary on him where he's
a kid? I think he's 14, maybe? Doing stand -up.
And he's funny. Really? He's doing impressions
of his teachers, and it's killing. I think when
you're a guy like that, and you're traveling
around the world, you're constantly creating,
and you're constantly trying to figure out a
way to entertain yourself and entertain people
at the same time, and you're really smart, and
you're working with a lot of people that are
doing really dumb shit. But that's what you get.
Yeah. You get a guy that's just like, I'm happy
to fill your lives with entertainment you couldn't
possibly think up yourself. He's just too on
another level. And he would say that and just
strut on stage like that. Yeah. And he did hell
gigs. Oh, my God. I watched him bomb at the Knicks
comedy stop. Really? Oh, my God. Bomb. Me and
Greg Fitzsimmons watched him bomb. Cleared the
room. There's a guy named Larry Norton, comic
on a Harley. And Larry Norton, I guarantee that
guy's murdered. That's a good tour. That's a
good tour. Definitely. Good guy, too. Very nice
guy. But, you know, he's doing, like, cartoon
characters. He had, like, bits about cartoon
characters smoking pot and shit. He's murdering.
And then Hicks goes on afterwards and, I mean,
clears the room. clears the room there was like
50 people left and we were dying 50 people left
we were dying and he never once cracked like
it never looked like it bothered him in the slightest
but was it funny yeah it was funny man it was
funny we were laughing we were laughing Fitzsimmons
and I were laughing. It was ridiculous. He was
funny, man. And he didn't lose his timing. He
didn't lose his composure. Like, I've had bombings
before. He was playing to his audience, which
was you guys in the back. Yeah, there was definitely
that. And there was 50 people still in the audience.
I really did enjoy it for just young people that
were kind of wild. But it was something happened
between the shift from Larry Norton comic on
a Harley to Bill Hicks. The audience was just
not ready. Nobody knew who Hicks was. Back then,
Nick's Comedy Stop was the star. That was a gentle
one. Nick's would set people up. They'd have
Billy Crystal headline for the weekend, and they'd
put Steve Sweeney, Don Gaffin, Lenny Clark. all
these freaks are on in front of them and they
would destroy these guys like the best headline
as you ever saw in your life and they only have
to do like 20 minutes that's him man do you think
that's a way to watch nice guy by the way he
goes He goes up and kills. And we had, it was
like such a lesson in the composure of a guy
bombing. Because, like, it never affected him.
Like, it was wild. Because, you know, I've never
bombed and not felt terrible. Like, wow, what's
happening? That's the worst. You feel like your
timing's off, you know. He just stayed in it.
Yeah. He was like, I know. He was smiling. He
was doing this bit where it's like John Davidson
gets fucked up the ass. I already love it. John
Davidson was the host of one of those shows.
That's incredible. One of those shows. And he
gets... Was it that one? Hollywood Squares. Hollywood
Squares. So he gets fucked up the ass by the
devil. And the devil implants his scaly semen
inside his body. And then this guy has to shit
it out on the toilet. And so as he's shitting
it out on the toilet, Hicks is sitting there
grunting. Shitting and shitting like... And he
looks around and he goes, yeah, this usually
clears the room. People are just getting up in
droves. It was pretty wild. I'm sure you played
the cunt video where he yelled it back. That's
amazing. I just love the idea of an audience
member going to his wife like, we should go,
right? Like, yeah, it's not going to cool back
down. Let's get the fuck out of here. How long
is he going? No one knew what to do. It was long,
too. You squat for like two minutes. Damn. That's
bold. The commitment. Fitzsimmons and I were
crying. We were prior. We were 21. We just started
doing comedy. We were in the back of the room.
Did he have friends there? I don't know, man.
I was an open mic. He just loved what he was
doing. I didn't know anybody. I didn't know who
was connected to anybody. Was this it? This is
the cunt video. No, this is the cunt video. This
is classic. Where he yells at someone in the
audience and she's a cunt. I typed in John Davidson.
This is what popped up. Who's John Davidson?
Oh, this is the bit? Yeah. Oh, yeah, this is
the bit. He's like, what is this? That's where
he's shitting out. Oh, my God. He just hated
them. Well, you know, it was like fake contempt
because he loved performing, you know? He can't
be that good. He hated a version of them. He
was like, they're probably in here. Well, he
wanted to elevate their standards. And one of
the ways you elevate someone's standards, if
you're that guy. Mock it. You mock. You mock
what you're doing. You mock, like, get your fucking
shit together. Wear better clothes. Listen to
better music. Shut the fuck up and get off TikTok.
You know, in a lot of ways, Joey Diaz mirrors
those. Those thoughts. Dude, one time me and
Joey were at the La Jolla Comedy Store with Kelly
Kirsten, and I was too dirty, and they were like,
you could tell people were annoyed. And so then
after me, Kelly was on stage, and some old couple
was out in the side. Hold on, I got some more
to kill. And they come out, and they're like,
hey, this is just dirtier and dirtier. And Joey
stands up and yells at them. He's like, get the
fuck out. He hadn't even been on yet. He was
like, we don't want you here. Beat it. Wow. Oh,
it was great. I was some young comic. I was like,
you can do that to people. Just get them out.
Well, it's really easy to go, hey, they're walking
away. I should change. I should not be that guy.
The fucked up thing about comedy when you come
into comedy and you don't know who's going to
be there. If you go into the comedy store on
a Tuesday night and you don't know any of the
people's names, you're just going to go and hope
you see comedy. The styles go up and down and
different. Right. It's like, see, if you comment
about that, you go, oh, I like this. How about
last night? So am I, dude. I just came out of
it. We all are. Rubbing my arm, I look up, you're
like, well, the styles go up and down and they're
different. I can't do it, dude. Shut up. You
know what it's like? It's like music. Like, if
you had just live music, no one would ever have
live music where you have rap music next to country.
That's nuts. Right? No, you're right. You have
a rap guy, a reggae guy, a country. You would
never have all that on one show without telling
people what's going on. No, but you got Leslie
Jones exited Jezelnik. It's like, what the fuck
is this? And then Warland. Holtzman. Holtzman.
I love that guy. He's a fucking beast. How's
he doing? He's great. How does he pay the rent?
Was he just at Skankfest? Oh, good. Yeah. He
was, yeah. I saw a photo. He should be a national.
There's no chance I'm doing stand -up. What do
you mean? You're going to do it. Well, it's only
5 .30. A show in three hours? That's not true.
It's not 530. You'll be fine. Can we at least
prep the crowd and let them know we've taken
a lot of drugs? We'll be down by then. Three
more hours and we'll be totally fine. 100 % sober.
The booze may be. The booze may be a problem.
We need booze. To stay even. Now we need it more
than ever. Now is when we should switch to coffee.
What time is it? 528? Ride the lightning, pussies.
Let's go. I'm not going to go. Let's go. Joe,
can you sell Ride the Lightning Pussy shirts?
Yes. Ride the Lightning Pussy is going to be
my new special. That's the name. I was going
to call it Sacred Clown because that's the name
of the tour, but now it's Ride the Lightning
Pussy. I love it. Get a big unicorn. I don't
know if I can be on Mushrooms. Son. In that green
room. You can. You'll be down by then. We are.
You'll be down by then. True. Bro, how about
the green room we're setting up? That's incredible.
That's a new place. That bar. Isn't it amazing?
Shout out New Rogan Club. It's fucking great.
It's a beauty. Holy fuck. It's a peach. People
can't wait. When I walk around in it, man, I
don't even believe it's real. The comedian's
bar is... That's insane. That'll get shitty.
Never been treated so well. That'll be a fun
place. You said that. It wasn't me. It wasn't
me. It wasn't me. One at every party. I'm going
to fight you in there. For sure. What? Isn't
that nice? You can see the building where we're
all going to fight each other. Yeah. To the death.
She was with me. There'll be a lot of that in
there. I saw her first. Yeah, how do we do that
with guys? How do we prevent all that stupid
shit from happening? That's just going to happen.
You're going to be like a take it outside policy.
Yeah. Deal with this not in here. You know what
you got to do? Learn to be fucking civil with
each other. You got to fight on the tunnel. Fight
in the tunnel. Go fight in the tunnel. Oh, man.
Come down the tunnel. There's a slobber knocker
going on. We should have boxing gloves down there.
Let it out. Get it all out. That's not fair because
then big guys would fuck small guys. Ah, good
point. It's like Vikings. Steal their girls.
There should be a take it outside policy. Come
on, Todd Berry, put the fucking gloves on. I'm
like, what? Put the gloves on. Boom. It's in
the fucking alley. You know how horrible that
is? That's a terrible idea. Get the fucking gloves
out of here. That can never be an option. We'll
just go tasers. Yeah, tase each other. Get it
out. It's amazing how few people have tasers.
You imagine. That should be something you have
on you all the time. If some guy starts fucking
with you, you can just shut him off with a button.
Why don't you have that? My dad, my buddy's dad
was a cop, and he had brought his taser out one
night, and we had a blast. Fucking Louisiana
tribe. Yeah, just trash. What a redneck you are.
And a front lawn. One of the most Louisiana things
ever said. You guys ever did that? We were studying.
Did you guys ever do that? We were studying.
We were like, do the lowest setting and you put
your ankle out. He was studying. He was playing
football. We had cow farms and you would go touch
the fucking wires. No fucking way. There you
see? That's where his eyes got close together.
No. You're drinking. No, you touch the wire.
You had injuries along with touching the wire.
Were you trying to heal yourself? And then you
hold hands with your friend to see how much you
can all get shocked. Right. You connect. That's
a connection. Yeah, yeah. Who's the first guy?
No, he didn't. It's so fun. Did you really? Yeah.
So you all held hands until one of them touched
the wire? Until one of them was like, oh my God.
Did anybody ever seizure? There's got to be a
video of that. Did anybody ever seizure? No.
Nothing. None of us had a seizure. But it was
a real shock. Interesting. No one died. A Julius
seizure? There you go. Good to have you back.
Thank you for that knowledge. I would imagine
that could fuck some people up. It's like everything
else. Some people, a certain amount of Tylenol
will kill you. Other people, you just take more.
I take it every week. And Seroquel. Apparently
it's not good. Apparently not. But we used to
do, we used to steal shrooms from cow farms.
Yep. And then we'd get shot at. Like, they'd
be like, get out of here, boy! And we'd shoot
guns in the air. You don't want this! It'll be
gone in a day! Well, where Duncan used to live
in Asheville, they actually started feeding the
cows some antifungal food. No. So fuck with the
cows. For what? Fuck with the cows' microbiome
so that the cow, I don't even know if it worked,
but the cows produced shit that fungus couldn't
grow in. Boom. Bummer. You're adding money to
your fucking overhead just to give people less
joy? which you should have those guys if you
were like fucking white oaks pastures where everything
is like regenerative farming you'd have a mushroom
harvester yep if you lived in a sane world you
could sell those mushrooms to your neighbors
dude in chiang mai Everybody started, the hippies
started going to the elephant pastures. Yeah,
in Thailand. They all started going. And then
they were like, why are all these hippies coming
on our fucking elephant pastures at a late night?
And they figured it out. And they're like, hey,
you guys are good. We're selling this. We're
selling this. Dude, I rode on those elephants.
I rode an elephant all the way to Chiang Mai
down to the river. What a powerful experience.
What were you doing up there? I was just fucking
dreading. I didn't want to do it. My family wanted
to do it. One of my kids fell off a fucking.
elephant no she got fucked my wife's a crazy
bitch shout out chiang mai city on the rise my
wife's amazing but she's she's a wild lady ronnie
good idea I didn't want to ride the elephants,
because my perception is that they don't want
to be ridden. They don't want to be ridden. That's
a good perception. But they're so big, they don't
give a shit. But they don't give a shit, because
they're so big, it's literally like a kitten
on your shoulders. Right. You don't feel like
anything to them. But I don't think they like
it. I love it. The worst part is when they play
harmonica, and you're like, that's not natural.
Harmonica? Yeah, you never saw them take a harmonica
and start playing it? Really? Harmonica Lewinsky.
No, I've never heard of it. No, I never saw that.
Yeah, yeah. They play harmonica. Or they'll draw
a painting with their tusk. I've seen that. With
their nose. That's beautiful. Their snout. It's
crazy that they can do that. They can draw an
elephant. That's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's
beautiful. They're pretty good. Pull it up, J
-Mo. Justin Silver trained them all. Elvin's
painting. Elvin's painting. He's beautiful. Somebody
that Norman's like, no, that's beautiful. Bro,
I went over this guy's house once. Listen to
this. I went over this guy's house once. He was
like a big time Hollywood agent. He had this
house in Aspen. Beautiful house. Harvey. Walked
in his house and he had this thing on the wall.
And I said, is this from his kid? Did his kid
make this? And they go, no, that's a... You know,
whatever the fuck it is. Famous artist that had
never heard of before. Oh, the artist. They just
said some name. I don't remember the name. And
then I go, what is that worth? I go, what is
that worth? They're like, that's a $150 ,000
piece. I go, that's worth $150 ,000. I go, I
thought his kid made that. Without malice, you
were like, that's nice. I mean, the number 150,
I'm just making it up. I don't really remember
what the number was. But it was something crazy
like that where I was like, what are you talking
about? That? I thought his kid made that. Nonsense
you people buy. This is what happens to these
people that have too much money. They just find
yachts and fucking houses and things and art.
They just buy nonsense. Pull it up. We started
talking about that earlier. It's not Balenciaga.
It's someone who is an artist. Someone who is
a designer. Well, hold on. Did you look at the
artwork? Put on your fucking thing. I can't be
seen seriously right now. What does that mean?
Wait, what happened? That means this. I can't
be on camera going, did you see what happened?
You're doing it. Stay strong. I don't like it.
Hey, hold it together. I need you to stay strong.
I don't like it. Not a good sign. I need you
to stay strong. What happened? What happened
with Balenciaga? Well, Balenciaga had some fucked
up. add or photo shoot but in the background
they had the books of this one artist and they
all love this artist and the art the artwork's
like fucking children it's it's bad pull it up
i don't know it's really like the darkest weirdest
art possible they apologized because they said
that like someone made that and they didn't know
what was in the background That wasn't the main,
but like this shit. That is awesome. That one
gets shitty. Castrated toddlers? What the fuck?
Wait, are they bleeping out a painting? What
is this? This is castrated toddlers? And Kanye's
the bad guy. What Scrap Balenciaga campaign featured
book by painter whose work included castrated
toddlers? It's paintings. What the fuck? Bro.
It's just paintings. Who's this lady? Yeah, but
if you look at them all, you had a lot of them.
It's paintings of castrated babies. What are
you going to do for the next 60 hours of your
life, Ari? I'm going to make castrated babies.
What the hell? You know what I'm saying? He's
a weirdo. He's a weirdo. Who the fuck are you?
Why is that in your ad campaign? Anyone else
hard? He's got some Goya. A little Goya -esque.
I like Goya. Goya's good. This guy's got some
freaky. We're Goyas. That's right. You're all
goyos. Well, maybe it's like a message he was
trying to convey with it. Yeah. It's pretty badass,
that painting. Dude, don't even show me this.
Don't even show me this. That painting is cool.
This is so cool. What kind of message is that?
What is he trying to say? Is there a way that
you can interpret that charitably? He's trying
to say something about circumcision. Probably.
There's probably something there, right? We're
all served, right? Yeah. Well, if you think,
yeah, that's a fucked up thing, man. A lot of
people lose their dicks. Huh? Yeah. What? When
babies get circumcised, a lot of them, they get
infections. They wind up losing their penises.
There's a certain amount of them every year.
Really? Well, I will say. Yeah, there's a certain
amount every year where that happens. They lose
their dicks to fucking circumcise. Infections.
Do it the right way. Let's find out. Let's find
out what the number is. Two more bottles. Suck
on them. Gotta have that suck off. Yeah. That's
the problem. You don't suck off that dick. Well,
people die that way, too. You lose your dick.
Do you know people die that way? What? People
die that way. Which way? Babies have died. Babies
have died from herpes. They don't die. They survive.
They have a long life. Charitable, charitable
life. No, no. Babies have died. Rabbi. From that.
Right? Isn't that true? Yeah, yeah. Herpes. Jamie,
can you Google Jews crossing the street? No,
no, no. Google the first one. What was the first
one you were Googling? Jews crossing the street
was great. Jews crossing the street is one of
the greatest. Jamie. Jamie. Jews crossing the
street. We've all decided. We've all decided.
Jews crossing the street. Jews crossing the street.
Shut the fuck up. Jamie, what did I ask you first?
I don't know. What the fuck is that? It's a moment
past. Jews crossing the street. Jews crossing
the street. Trying to keep entertaining here.
That's the best. It was how many people lose
their penises. Oh, yeah. Due to circumcision.
That's also good. That's also a good road. We
can do the split screen on that. No, we don't
want that. Split screen. I'm telling you. Jews
crossing streets. Jews crossing streets. I don't
know why. What does that mean? Jews crossing
streets. You'll show it. It's doing the Jews
crossing the street during a marathon. Oh, that
is good stuff. Like going to Schultz. It's like
Frogger. Oh, they just run through the marathon?
Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Oh, look at him
run with the hat on. Hey, what are you supposed
to do? Flatbush Avenue. And that was you. You
were doing that shit. We were living in a place
where there was a fucking marathon. Did you have
to dress like that? No, no, no. I was a step
down. Those guys ruled. Those guys ruled. I was
trying. I was a phony. Those guys ruled. What
are you supposed to do? What are you supposed
to do when a marathon goes by and you want to
cross the street? Do you play Frogger? When I
lived next to the comedy store, the LA Marathon
came by there. I was like, I live right there.
Can I park my car? And the cops were like, no.
There's no break. You can't. Man, Jews and marathons.
For how long? I don't know. Beat it, dude. I
don't know. Fucking fill your time with something.
Shut the whole city down for that shit. That
is so odd. Only time to shit yourself in public
when people commend you. That's true. You can
just hold it in just for that moment. With marathons.
McCusker, my buddy, was talking about shitting
at the beginning of a marathon. Just right away.
And he's like, fuck. You appear so brave. He's
been running with shit dripping down his legs.
For 26 miles. I'm scared of guns. The king. He
doesn't even bother holding it in. You don't
even run. That's a sketch. Oh, my God. You run
with shit. That's great. Right away. You probably
have a wider berth. People would get out of your
way more. Those people puking and shitting is
great. This is all Matt does. Matt just tells
me shit like this. Imagine a guy who's puking
and shitting a mile away. Right away. And you're
like, oh no. You have hours of this left, sir.
You're really sick, dude. You're really fucking
sick. So he has to decide, what am I doing with
my life? Oh, look at that guy. Look at that guy.
Wow! What stunning diamonds. That's how half
these podcasts end. Half marathon! It's a half
marathon. Every one of these podcasts ends with
one of us like... Ari's like... He sharted earlier.
Ari's like, it's a half marathon. It's 13 fucking
miles. It's so long. That was after 13. That
was earlier in the race. How do you know? Because
he didn't shit right at the end. It might be
right at the end. There's no ticker tape. It's
a photo fish. It's 11 at max. But even if you're
doing 13 miles, like if a marathon is three hours.
Nobody else shits themselves. That guy's weird.
That guy's weird. No, it's just common. It's
very common. It is, but also. Oh, look at this
guy. I know that face. I know we both have that
face. Carter with diarrhea shits himself during
a race, finishes top of category anyway. What
category? Shit category? Shitting and running.
He's like, give me five minutes. Oh my God, that's
a t -shirt. That should be a Squid Game episode.
That guy had victory tunnel vision. That would
be like the cover of an album if he became a
rapper. Shitting and running. How do you keep...
How do you keep going? The focus that takes.
No, you got to fucking go home. Shut up. Keep
running. That's Rogan competitive. Keep going.
That guy is, yeah. You got to keep going. You
already shit yourself. I am a tiger. You already
shit yourself. Hold on. It's a marathon. No one
gives a fuck. That's a good point. That's a good
point. What's his name? He says, even I couldn't
bear the smell. I wanted to beat the African.
He shit himself. He shit himself. He said, even
I couldn't stand the smell. That's his quote.
Did he win? Oh, he did win. All right, all right.
Good for him. Yeah, man. He got his moment in
the sun. He beat the African. Is that a professional
marathon? Do you get prize money? Half marathon.
Another one. I mean, if there's money on it,
yes. For money, you got to go. People are shitting
themselves. No, everyone else there was not executed.
It was a Chinese marathon. It was a Shanghai
half marathon. Yeah. Damn. Oh, so he's over there
eating Shanghai food, too. One hour, six minutes.
Right? Imagine if you're not from there. You
fly over there. Grab some street tacos. Let's
go, baby. We caught up before the race. You shit
your pants. You came all this way. Somebody sponsored
that guy. Yeah, that's my money. Running down
his leg. Oh, my God. Yeah, you shit yourself.
That's showing commitment. If you keep going.
I mean, he won. He beat the African. That's all
he wanted. Couldn't stand his own smell. Wow.
As he was running. It is the eye of the tiger,
but also the eye. He started throwing up. Is
that kind of a nice analogy you like? Yeah. You
see the moment? Wait, when's he beat him? Is
this right when he's getting torched by these
Africans? He used the propeller fuel. Oh, there
he goes. Someone was editing. He's back in front.
I don't see any Dukian. Wait, it's happening
right now. There it is! Nope. I was wrong. He's
just running. They roll out toilet paper. Where
is it? I wanted a squirt. He probably barely
shit himself. Like Mark Norman did earlier. Shark
tank. As he's running across that finish line.
You ever see the guy doing the flip? And then
they just play it backwards with shit going back
into his boot. Pull it out. Pull it out. That's
the most beautiful thing that's ever been made.
It flipped and shit at the same time? Yeah, it
flipped and shit, and they just played backwards
slow -mo. Who is this crazy man? What a genius.
You sure that's not Steve -O? Flipped and shit
at the same time? It is a Steve -O type of thing.
Yeah, I don't know. Damn. Isn't it fun? This
is fun. We came back. We're pretty rational now.
There was a moment where I couldn't stop laughing
at everything. Oh, man, I was freaking out for
a second. Yeah, it was too much for a little
bit. Huh? We're going to do a show in two hours.
Whoa! Whoa! That was a question mark. This is
a backwards is where it's at. Look at the log
of shit that lands behind him. It's like a missile.
Don't watch it on ridiculousness. Watch it on
uncensored. Look at this. Look at that shit.
I love this guy. It's got to be like Instagram.
That's insane. That's so much. What kind of confidence
do you have in your ability to take a quick shit?
My theory is he tensed up, and he was doing it,
and then he just shot. I understand, but the
volume. The volume was quite a lot. If you ask
me, can I reproduce that? I'm like, no, sir,
I can't. No way. Sorry if we've told this story
before, but my friend used to take funny shit
in school. Did I tell you this? No. He would
go, there was no doors on the stalls, so he would
come up with a new way to shit every fucking
day. He would come up with a funny way to shit,
so sometimes he'd be laying on top of the cross,
and he'd shit straight down. Sometimes he'd hold
himself up at the roof of the stall. It was really
hard. It was really hard to do. And he couldn't
shit. It'd be like one drop. He was holding himself
up. So he held his legs up. Yeah, he was like
that. At the roof of the song. And TJ came in
and was like, what the fuck's going on? There's
20 of us watching a guy shit. Oh my gosh. Hey,
you had to pass the time. Was it all boys school?
No, but... Why was it a door? It was a weird
moment. The teacher had to be like, what the
fuck was that? You know she laughed too. I forget
what club we were with with Joey. Might have
been like San Jose Improv. We go into the bathroom
with Joey Diaz. He goes, Joe Rogan, go take a
look at what I left you. And I go, what? What
are you talking about? I open up the toilet,
and there's a log. Oh, my God. Like a drowning
sailor that was pulled onto the shore. At the
time, he was too big to sit on the toilet. So
he sat in the front of the toilet and just shit
on the dock. Shit on the dock. Dropped a log
on the beach and you open the door and go...
That was the funniest fucking thing. You couldn't
flush it. It must have smelled so bad. It must
have smelled so bad. You had to help it into
the water. The beached whale. It was ridiculous.
There's so many milligrams of weed in that shit.
Oh, my God. If you smelled that shit, you could
get high. Nobody can put weed away with Joey
not a human that's ever lived My buddy was a
psycho guy. He would ruin parties. And we had
these houses in New Orleans. He was like the
push the grandfather clock in the pool guy, you
know. And there was a house with a heater grate
on the floor. You know, the heat would come out
of it. And he shit on the grate. And it just
sat there like a hibachi. And the whole party
in about 20 minutes was like, what the fuck is
that smell? Wait a minute. You're talking to
a guy who's shitting in Tupperware and opening
it up on. On Skank Fest. Or on Legion of Skanks.
It was not shit. It was Avenged Sevenfold's latest
album. It was the best. Man, what a stupid joke.
You're laughing. You also shit in a fish tank
once, my friend. That's what I want. Your friend
shit in a fish tank? Yeah, he was kind of a legend.
He got kicked out of college. I haven't seen
him since. Yeah, I shit in a Tupperware for Jay's
birthday. I cover it in paper. Rapid paper. We
sat there for two hours. You gave it to him?
Yeah, he opened it up, and it just fucking cleared.
Mickey Gall was there. It cleared. Ron Bennington
was there. They were like, what the fuck, dude?
Yeah, Che was outside. It was an old creek. Che
was in the bar. He goes, what the fuck is that?
Out in the bar. Oh, my God. Ron Bennington? You
gave someone shit for Ron Bennington? Yeah, that's
when he started wearing two glasses at once.
What did you say about Ron Bennington? He's the
best. He's the best. He's so crazy, dude. Was
he on the stage with you? He was there with us,
yeah. Oh, my God. You did that in front of him?
How dare you? I didn't take the shit. I took
the shit a day and a half earlier. Ron and Fez
was a great show. Great show. Yeah. That was
a fun show to listen to. Yeah, follow ONA. He
has the unmask. Maybe that was unmasked. Unmasked.
Awesome. You did one. I did an unmask. He is
the best interviewer. The ONA days, man. Number
one. You know, the fact that those two guys.
separated and just went completely separate ways.
We were just watching it last night. The baby
bird was so hot. When you think it's done, it
doubles down how much puke is going to come out.
That's the origin of everything we do. Everything
was ONA. And then Ron and Fez. You think so?
Maybe Stern was before that. It definitely started
for me with Stern. And then what ONA was that
was different was it was a hangout. That's true.
For the record, this guy that has his head tilted
back said, if you make me an intern. Pat Duffy.
That's Pat. No, he was already an intern. No,
no, no. I thought that's how he got to be an
intern. No, no, no. I don't think so. Yeah. I'm
pretty sure he'd already scrubbed his teeth with
cat shit. He'd done a bunch of other things.
Really? Yeah. I thought that's the day. He was
like, I'll do this if you elevate me. You might
be right, but I'm not sure. But it was my recollection
that they had a bunch of stories about him. He
ate puke that someone put Froot Loops in. Yes,
that night. That was that day. Earlier that day,
he was like puking it. I have Froot Loops and
I'll eat it. It might have still been him. What
is he drinking? Eggnog, right? Eggnog. What?
Eggnog. I love eggnog. Everyone's got to pretty
much keep their position. So he throws up in
this dude's mouth. He's heavily diabetic, and
he took an eggnog shot a minute. How many people
were here this day, Ori? From all over America.
Me, you, Burr. And who else? Maybe Voss. This
guy's a champ. Patrice was not there. Oh, I thought
he was. No, it was... Oh! Opie, Anthony, Norton.
And someone named it the baby bird. Might have
been Burr. This guy could take... Baby birding.
It was Kumia. Wow. It was so big. Oh, man. The
guy doesn't move. What a warrior. He's a warrior.
This guy is a warrior. All respect to Pat Duffy.
He unloves us. He spit it out. He spit it out.
This is like Jesus. He just takes it. No, no,
no. We're not done yet. We're not done yet. This
is flip phone flip. This guy is Christ. We're
not done yet, bro. You think it's over. Oh, my
God. You can't think it can't get any worse.
It gets so much worse. Who had to clean this?
They had a tarp set up. The garbage can is useless.
Useless? Is that what you're doing? Wow. He's
like, that's it. That's it. That was my idea.
First of all, rest in peace, Pat Fumunaki. Rest
in peace, Pat Fumunaki. He's a legend. The greatest
throw -up artist. He's the greatest throw -up
artist that has ever existed. First of all, he
was putting his life in danger while doing this
because he's a diabetic. Super diabetic. Dude,
he was drinking gallons of sugar milk. Everything
after that in radio is like, it's done. Radio's
over. You're not going to beat that. We had a
fucking incredible time. It was an incredible
time. More angles have popped up since this has
come out. But this was 15 years old. More angles.
Yeah, there's so many. It was barfing from the
side. It was multiple people. It's JFK. What
those guys did was they started off podcasts.
It's a puker film. Yeah. Because they let us
come on as comics and hang and be ourselves.
That's what it was. They let us come on and hang,
and that's what taught us how to be podcasters.
Yeah, they would be cool. There's no other angle.
Oh, my God. It's too close. It's way too close.
It's way too close. We can't add. It's basically
a bukkake. You actually want it less clear. It's
a pew -kake. Pew -kake. Yeah, that was great.
Oh, man, this mushroom's weird. I saw Burr like
two weeks later. They were perfect. At the store.
I was in the cover booth. Oh, yeah, they're great.
I'm listening. I was in the cover booth. I saw
Burr downstairs in the front patio talking. And
I was like, you're talking about the baby Burr,
aren't you? He goes, yeah. Because you can just
tell the air of someone who saw this crazy thing.
Yeah, you and I were there for one of the craziest
moments in media that someone could actually
do that. They would lay down garbage bags on
the ground. So they're like hefty bags everywhere.
They waterproof the ground. And then they set
up this garbage bag. And then I said it almost
as a goof. I said, why don't you have Pat Duffy
lean back, put his head over the dumpster, and
Pat Fumunaki throws up in his mouth. And they
were like, no way. He's like, I'll fucking do
it. We're like, no. This is definitely the origin
of Legion of Skeks. Oh, yeah. Well, the ONA vibe
went through all of New York. Yeah. It was a
fun vibe. It was a fun vibe. You were stuck in
traffic, and you were listening to these guys
telling people to climb face first into dumpsters
and shit. It was something. They were crazy.
They were crazy, and they were doing something
that was different. And they would bring comics
on, and we would just hang. And that's how we
all got started. Yeah, it's a good metaphor for
comedy, too, because they had some misses. They
had a few homeless things that were weird. They
did a lot of wild shit, and they got canceled,
too. They were one of the first people to get
canceled. They got kicked off the air because
they had a homeless guy come on and say that
he wanted to rape Condoleezza Rice. That's not
so bad. I mean, they didn't even know what he
was going to say. They got a crazy guy on there.
Also, fuck it in a cathedral. That was a nice
one. That was a good one. And I wrote a blog
post about that before I ever even did. You're
a blogger? Piece of blog. Rogan blog. What? Yeah.
I wrote a blog defending them. This is the craziest
thing I've ever heard in my life. If you think
about all the terrible things that have happened
in churches, particularly Catholic churches,
and these two people decide to have consensual
sex, how about you want to get mad at people
for that sacrilege? What about the sacrilege
of fucking kids? What are you talking about?
Of all the people that should shut the fuck up,
that's number one. Good open letter. Especially
back then, before the internet, before these
documentaries where people didn't know the extent
of sexual abuse. But also. Very funny to make
people fucking a fucking giant old cathedral.
And they're like loud fucking the entrance, follow
them around. Bro, you don't think that you would
do that if you were 23 years old? 100%. 100%.
Could you perform? Your girlfriend's like, yeah,
let's fucking do it. She wants to do it. Louis
Black got arrested. Jim Norton got arrested.
What? For what? They went on a party bus where
the women showed their tits and they got arrested.
They got arrested for that? That's how Norton
got hired. We were that far away from the prohibition.
It just happened. It just happened 100 years
ago. I mean, how long goes Lenny Bruce as soon
as they're off stage? It's like, come on, you
know what? We're going to jail. 15 busted on
risque radio bus. There you go. 15 people were
arrested yesterday aboard a raunchy rolling radio
promotion bus after its topless female passengers
drew crowds and stalled traffic, cops said. The
bus which was promoting Radio Bad Boys, Opie
and Anthony, veered onto a midtown street, cleared
for a presidential motorcade. But that wasn't
the reason given for the arrest. It was creating
a crowd condition, a police source said. They
were flashing everybody. So was that when they
were doing Flash Friday? Yeah, W -O -W. Yeah.
Yeah, Louis Black and Jim Norton. Busted. And
Norton, they hired him after that. What a fun
thing to get arrested. Oh, really? That's how
he got on the show. Wow. Good origin story. Yeah.
What year was that? 2000. Comedy was fun at one
point. It was so fun. It's still fun. Yeah, you're
right. It's still very fun. Ari, you have a quote
that I tell to people all the time. I said, Ari
says, comedy's finally dangerous again. It's
the best. Those people leave angry, and now they
report us. It's like, we're not having a good
time. We're not having a good time. Yeah, it's
just weird to report. That's what I don't get.
Like, look, we've all seen a thing where we go,
oh, that's offensive. That hurt my feelings.
They're dorks. But why would you write about
it or report it? It's fascinating. It's reading
it that's the problem. There's three sides. to
it. You think a joke is funny, you think a joke
is so funny, and then you're angry. Like, who's
going to be on that side? What's up, Aaron? He
loves that dog! If only you liked your girlfriend
that much. But some people think they have a
right to be angry, so they use it to be angry.
You know, there's recreational outrage. And now
there's kooks who get behind him and go, yeah,
I'm angry too. Yeah, and there's a lot of people
out there. The thing is, it's like we're realizing
that everybody's connected now, and it's starting
to, like, grow in its understanding of what's
possible. And it got a little away from us, I
think. It got away from us. It changed media.
A lot of people got scared because they don't
like the bad reaction to people that disagree
with them, so they just go with this mind virus.
It's like really smart people that fucking read
the comments all the time. with their head. You
think that's reality. There's too many people,
man. You're interacting with too many people
in a non -human way. You're interacting with
too many people in text form. That's not good
for your health. It's just not good for your
health. It's not good in any way. It's only negative.
Look at this art piece. What is hard to come
by? I heard Hans Kim's been reading the Reddit.
Get off the Reddit, Hans Kim. Don't read that
shit. Don't do it. I didn't mean what I wrote.
Talented people, that can derail you. Yeah, but
what about these weirdos with the art installations
where they throw soup on a fucking painting?
It's so fucking pompous. It's kooky. For the
environment, you're just going to destroy something
beautiful? Yeah, go help the environment. You
fucking dork, Gen Z dorks. The dummies in Germany,
they glued their hand on this thing, and they
didn't know the thing was portable, so they just
picked the thing up and took them into the back.
No. Yeah, they glued their hand on a railing.
Those fucking dummies. They didn't know the railing
wasn't bolted to the floor. They're just looking
for attention. Sure. It's so dumb. I don't care
about their cars. They glue themselves to the
wall. Do a backflip with shit. Do you see what
the Porsche people did? Yeah. Shut the lights
off. Left them in there. Fuck you. Good. Go shit
yourself. They let them shit themselves. They
didn't even call the cops. Oh, fuck. Those guys
are glued to the floor. Like, ah, we'll show
them, bro. We're going to fucking stop this climate.
This climate is a pro -climate change. Make sure
you respect the marathon guys. At least they
shit themselves earning something. A lot of them
do believe it. They do believe it. A lot of people
believe if you don't stop climate change right
now, we're all going to die. It's possibly true.
What's his face? PBT. No. Pat Patrick David?
Yes! Whoa! You got me. He had one of them on.
They called in. Really? The ladies. They called
in. The ladies who did the... No, really? What
did they say? What did they say? It's the most
important thing. Well, first of all, their pronouns
were he, she, they. He, she, they. Yeah, everything.
Everything. That's not bad. That's cool. That
is cool. He, she, they. Way to rule. She's a
demigod. That's like getting double O in basketball
is your number. You know how crazy that is? He,
she, they. Okay. Call me everything. So there's
that. Anyway, I have an opinion on that. Hey,
my pronoun is God. I'm saying that. Yeah, I invented
everything. There's that. I hate to be that guy.
Yeah, but they called in and they were like,
well, we're just trying to save the world, you
know? Like, these people are evil. And you're
like, I know, but you didn't do anything. You
didn't do anything. They did, though, because
they're talking to people. Yeah, well, so are
school shooters. They're on the news, too. That's
a very good point. Those guys are making noise.
Those guys are making a lot of fucking noise.
That Bill Hicks quote is gold. I love when a
comedy club has a thing on the door. There's
a club. I can't think of the name of it. But
it says, you'll think of something right on the
way out. And that really helped me. And I bombed.
But it's nice. Yeah. Follow the Fear is another
one, a Del Close thing. Who said that? Del Close,
the improv guru. Follow the Fear. You know when
you're kind of in a thing and you're like, I'm
freaking out, I'm bombing, I'm flustered, and
then you come out of it and it's a great moment?
Yeah. That's great. Buckle. At the Green Room.
At the mothership, it's going to say, get it
together, bitch. Oh, nice. Because that's what
Joey Diaz used to say to me. Oh, really? He used
to say to me right before I go on stage, get
it together, bitch. And I would just go on stage
laughing. I had to follow him during Bert's thing.
Oh, man, he's the best. It was great. Every time
he would get off stage, he'd be like, show them
Philly style, motherfucker. He's so positive
and fun. He makes you laugh. He's like a community
guy. He's all about community. Joey calls you
up to check in on you. Two minute toss. Like,
anyone I'm with, I gotta take this. It'll be
on minute. What's up, cocksucker? What are you
doing, cocksucker? What the fuck you doing down
there in Austin? I miss you, motherfucker. He
just checks up on you. You check up on him. He's
a lovely person. A great guy. And the fact that
he thought he could sleep in a bunk on a bus
that didn't last ten minutes, that's hilarious.
Oh, maybe. What kind of bunk? Thunderous. What?
Snoring and farting. Fucking Big J. Was in that
bus. Joey Diaz. Wow. So many people in that bus
farting and snoring. What is that like? And Burt.
And Burt took a bunk. It was literally like if
you thought of the worst people to sleep in a
fucking bus with. Burt's like, I want to be a
man of the people. I'm like, get in the back
of the bus, bitch. The apnea tour. Get your fucking
spot. It was fully the apnea tour. Yeah, it was.
How could it make it? Sponsored by Trouble Breeder.
He was back there, he was like, stop the bus.
Is that a fun way to do it? A lot of guys were
like, stop the bus. Is that a fun way? way to
do it. It was fun. It was incredible. We watched
movies every night. Oh, it was so fun. Is it
better to do it in a bus, you think? Yes. I'm
going to try it next year. It wears on you with
all those guys, but we had a blast. Yeah. The
way people talk about, Sturgill talks about buses.
People talk about buses like, man, it's a fucking
great time. It's like a constant party. It is
the best. Time of your life? Well, we watched
Apocalypto. I think. We watched Apocalypto. Just
have fun hanging with comics every single day.
I can't have a bus. I got a family. What? The
problem is like the weekends as well I do. I
go out at night like in Austin, but like I'm
a weekends guy and I don't want to do every weekend.
When you got a bus, you're committed to going
one, two, three, four, ten. You're always that
way. You're always that way. Even at the store
back before you were really going. You'd be like
Friday, Saturday coming in. Yeah. I balance myself
out. I'll do spots during the week for sure,
always. But it's like going somewhere to perform
on the weekend. I don't do that many weekends
because it's just like you could crack. It would
be fun with five other comics, though. And it's
fun when you crack a little bit. Yeah, crack
a lot. You're like, let's go down to Tijuana.
We're in San Diego. Let's get some sweaters and
fentanyl. These are real chicklets. Yeah. I mean,
Joey, he was fun. Burt was fun. I was jealous,
for real. You guys all hang out like that. I
was for real jealous. That sounded great. It's
such a great idea, too, to do it in those baseball
parks. Yeah. Such a great... Burt's so good at
thinking up ideas. He came up with the driving
movie idea. He's still alive. It's great. He's
not drinking. It's great. Do you know Sober October
basically knocked him down 90 % of his drinking?
Okay, Joe. He tells me. I bet he does. He's a
yarn spinner. So you don't think he's drinking?
I think he's drinking hella. This is what he
always does. He goes, I haven't even drank today.
And then Tom would be like, what about those
three drinks at lunch? He goes, oh yeah, those,
fine. He tells his version of what he's thinking
of. He drank. It's Burt Kreischer. You think
he just suddenly stopped drinking? If he did,
he would still be just as funny and we'd have
him longer. True. My worry is that he's taking,
you know, he takes medication and talks about
it. It's like, that shit's dangerous. That scares
the shit out of me. While you're drinking and...
He looks great. What are you talking about? Yeah.
He's killing it. I'll tell you what, though.
He's the Jimmy Buffett of comedy. The dude is
an animal. He's the best. He can put it away.
Great guy. Great egg. So much fun hanging out
with him. He helps young comics, too. He helps.
He does. Definitely does. Damn. Is there a better
guy? Than Bert? Maybe. He's in top five. There's
levels of guys. There's no better. I mean, Martin
Luther King hated gays. Martin Luther King, Bert
Kreischer. Who else? He's a good dude. He's such
a good dude that after we did that Sober October
podcast, I called him up. I go, hey, man. And
you seem worried about stuff that's not important.
I'm like, you're killing it. Why are you freaking
out about stupid shit? He's like, this person's
taking advantage of him, this and that. And I'm
like, dude, you're the fucking man right now.
You're killing it. You're doing arenas. You should
ride this bitch. Ride this bitch like it's a
giant white rhino. And you've got the reins.
This is his moment. You can't be getting upset
about trivial shit. Dude, we invited him to Norman's
bachelor party. And I was like, he's probably
too busy, but just invite him. And he goes, oh,
while I'm coming, matching outfits for everybody.
He's just like, this is my scene. Yeah, he took
over, and it was fun. He's an animal. I'm glad
we do Sober October just to give him a shot.
That gives him two more years. Give him a shot.
Just resetting. Well, he's the shirtless drunk
guy, but people don't give him his due for how
innovative he is. Well, we were talking about
what he came up the drive -in thing. He came
up with his baseball arena. It's just like he's
a great marketer. Oh, yeah. The way he puts together
those promos are hilarious. Promo content in
one. Blurred. And he takes his shirt off, and
it's the loudest pop that anyone's ever heard
in all of comedy. If only he knew his kids' names.
When he did it at the Vulcan. When he did it
at the Vulcan the other night, we were like,
what the fuck, man? Oh, he was here? Yeah. Takes
his shirt off. I would love to see a collage
of videos of him going home shirtless. his skin
bio must be so healthy he comes in contact with
so many other people it was cute so many Sorry.
No, I'm just saying so many fat guys like slobbering
with their sweaty body on top of his sweaty body.
Taking photos because they all take their shirts
off for photos. They love it. They want the sweat.
Man, that tour was the fucking shit. That was
the best. God damn it. We had a great time. By
the way, the mushrooms haven't gone away. Yeah.
I went and took a piss. We have ours. Don't worry.
They were still right there. We got to get some
food in us. We should get some food. But I'm
just, yeah. Yeah, we can talk about it because
you weren't invited to the tour. Just walking
on the baseball field at night, like you get
done with the set and then you're walking back
to the fucking locker room to get a beer. You're
literally walking in the outfield during the
summer night. Look at that dog. He loves him.
She fucking loves him. Hey. That's a girl, bro.
Is it a girl? That's a girl. He calls her a boy.
He's crazy. Oh, he whimpered. Are you sure? There's
a dick there. Yeah. Look at that dog. Ah, there
you go, JMO. That is like a deep love. And it's
not anti -Semitic. It's crazy because I thought
that was because she was a rescue dog. No, that's
just Ari. Well, he takes that thing to Guatemala
and shit. I've rarely seen a dog that attached
to a person. It's really interesting. It's so
cool seeing Ari with a dog, too. He needed something.
Oh, my God. Well, he was bombing so much. He's
different now. He is. He's back, baby. Did you
hear that pop when he went on stage last night?
That was inspiring. Well, we saw him. We saw
him doing it. We watched him build that hour.
It was like, it is good. It's good. It's funny.
It's good. I saw him every night at the stand
in the cellar. We would watch him do it every
night. We'd be like, dude, Ari's good. This is
good. It's going to be good. That's a set that
he had prepared before all that shit happened
with him. And then he abandoned it, wrote a whole
new hour, and then we talked him into doing it
again. I was like, dude, you can't not do that
set. That set's so good. What are you doing with
it? And he's like, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe
I'll go back to it. I go, dude, you've got to
go back to it. Go back to it. Pick it up. Do
it again. It's already done. The time helped
him, though. Adding that extra time really polished
it. Time helps, man. It really does. It does.
Like, we were talking about those Kinison specials.
They're back -to -back, year after year. You
can't do that, man. It's like kiss of death.
And, you know, he was, like, one of the first
guys to realize that because he went on tour
after he did HBO, and apparently he was, like,
trying to do some of the same bits. And people
knew the bits, and they were yelling out punchlines
and shit. It was like, oh, my God, I have to
write all new bits. I think Louie fucked that
up. Louie can do it because he's one of the best,
but a lot of people thought, I'll do an hour
a year, whatever. It's like, no, they need to
marinate. They need to marinate. There's no rush.
You're making a mountain out of layers of paint.
Yeah. It takes a little time. Sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes bits come, but sometimes you're like,
a year later, you're like, oh, that's a better
ending. Yes, exactly. And you're like, fuck,
I already recorded it. All the time. That sucks.
After you fucking recorded something, you have
the best tagline ever. You're like, ugh. So it's
easier to just like, stop doing it. You record,
it's done. You'll just torture yourself. Yeah,
but you have to bridge the gap if you're doing
shows, right? If your special's coming out in
a few months and you have to do shows, you know
as well as I do, you don't have a fucking real
hour after you film. You have like 15 minutes
if you're lucky within like the first month or
so. Sure. It's a grind. Rocky, I was talking
to Schultz about it. Same thing. It's a grind.
It's so fun, though. Dude, no way this show happens
tonight. The show's happening. No chance. It
already didn't happen. You pussies. I called
it a bomb threat. You pussies. I said, I'm coming,
baby. And they said, shut it down. Chuck me one
of those. I'm going to give it try number five.
I'm definitely going to bomb. Didn't TJ do a
bomb threat? Yeah, he did. That kind of guy.
He got in trouble for that one. He apparently
had a legitimate brain issue. He's a man. Nice
guy. Just rip that fucking thing. Funny guy.
He's the man. Talented guy. TJ's the man. He
left like a real show. He goes, I'm done with
this. Yeah. Silicon Valley. Yeah. What are you
doing? You're making money. He goes, it's done.
This is stupid. I don't want to do this anymore.
Great bro. No one can riff like that. Like, I
mean, we talk about top ever in the world. Tim's
up there. No, but on stage like that. Dude, TJ
will go on fucking obliterated and just. With
nothing. Kill. Empty holsters. And just kill
for like as long as he wants to. No one can do
that. Wow. Yeah. I won't be able to go on stage
tonight with rehearsed material. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm struggling. Yeah. It's interesting how people
like there's. You can go on and just. Certain
times where people accept mental illness. He's
channeled it. We only accept mental illness up
to a certain extent. And when it's not convenient,
we don't accept mental illness. That's true.
Kanye. Yeah. When it's not convenient, we won't
accept mental illness. But when it's convenient,
we'll give mental illness every fucking chance
it can. Yeah, it's fun. It's good art. Yeah.
Wait till you see, again, Kanye's fucking Amazon.
It's on Amazon. What? Kanye has a special at
the L .A. Coliseum. Not a special. A concert.
Him and Drake. It was like the free Larry Hoover
thing. It's the best concert. Yeah, he rules.
Really? He's the best. Kanye's so fucking good.
It has been for so long. It's just he's getting
wrapped up in all these things that are not like
what he's best at. You know, these kind of conversations
about all the shit that's going on. I mean, think
about all the trouble that's caused him. That's
an insane amount. of chaos that happened to his
life in such a short period of time. Everything
fall apart. I mean, the guy was on top of the
world. What the fuck? That's the LA Coliseum
in the background. Whoa. Him with the Tron outfit,
all this stuff. He puts on a show. Give me some
volume, Jamie. Who's Larry Hoover? He's the gangster
disciples in Chicago. This is a crazy set design.
Whoa fun to watch the set design is a real insane
that guy should get an award he did That's great.
Probably a Jew probably true Every song every
songs a hit he's had like 20 years It's insane.
He's so small compared to that fucking place.
That guy should do stand -up sets. He's going
through like a manic episode of people like,
Kanye, slow down. And then he's like, no, I'm
God. Right, right. I'm in the middle of the L
.A. Coliseum murdering. Wow. I'm literally like.
But don't you think that some of what people
would call mental illness. It allows him to be
able to be that dynamic on stage. And it's a
gift. Of course. It's a gift, but it's a gift
that has to be managed. He says it's his superpower.
He uses it. Right. Well, that was the thing,
like when they drugged him up. Remember when
they drugged him up and he got chubby? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. There's another one? They had this
crazy mountain on the stage. It made snow inside.
Jesus Christ. He made snow inside. Remember when
he was in Chicago? He had his mom's house. That
shit was cool. Bro, before he did the podcast,
when Jamie got COVID, unfortunately, we had to
make things happen quickly, and we had to use
a set that we had. He wanted to design his own
set. No way. Yeah, he had illustrations. He wanted
to design a set that looked like a womb. And
we're going to do it in a warehouse somewhere.
And I was like, you down for this, Jamie? Jamie's
like, I mean, I fucking, I guess so. And then
Jamie got COVID. So we had to bring in Red Band,
had to fill in for Jamie. And so I'm like, I
go, Kanye, my producer's sick. So we're going
to have to do it with a step -in producer who
doesn't particularly know the setup as well.
He doesn't do it. But let's just do it at the
studio. It'll be easier. And to his credit, he
just. Let it go. He thought our studio looked
like shit, but it did. The red one kind of looked
stupid. Oh, that was a weird studio. It was an
idea. It didn't work. I thought it looked cool
at first, and then after a while, I was like,
what is this? It's like a toaster. What does
this represent? Infrared fucking weirdo hot box.
Right. You tried it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Radio
Raheem called it the red pill. I was like, that's
been taken. That's got so many negative connotations.
I know, I know. Which one's the red pill? Go
back to the Matrix? No, that's the one in real
life. The red pill's real life. Oh, is that right?
Yeah, the blue pill takes you back to the Matrix.
Take the red pill, mean see reality for what
it is. There's a black pill now. Yeah, that's
death and destruction. The idea is if you're
a person who sees where it's all going. That
was sick. Damn. Is he on fire? Yeah. He set himself
on fire? Jay Leno. Jesus Christ, dude. That was
like a Repco's family house or something. How
insane is the production that he does? And then
they run up on him and douse him. Holy shit.
And then he goes back and performs. Look, the
guy. He's on such another level. The guy's on
another level, man. I mean, that kind of thinking.
He wanted to do a podcast in a womb. Can you
imagine if Jamie didn't get COVID? If Jamie wasn't
hanging out with floozies. Jamie, what were you
doing? In the middle of the pandemic, Jamie out
floozying around. What were you doing, Jamie?
Some downtown whiskey joint. You've been in Austin
for six weeks. What am I supposed to do? He's
out floozying around. That's a good point. Point
is, that podcast could have been in a womb. Coxman.
Jamie definitely has a big ass dick. Coxman's
a great term. Doesn't taste bad either. All right,
fellas. All right. Nobody wants to hear it doesn't
taste bad. A lot of big hogs in here. That is
annoying when girls go, it tastes so good. I'm
like, it's skin, you kook. Shit, who says that?
It's skin, you kook. He smacked her. Did you
see what he did? It's skin, you kook. Suck in
Norman's dick. It's skin, you kook. You're going
to lie to me with the, oh, it tastes so good.
Shut up. That'd be one of the greatest things
someone's ever said. It's not a blow pop. It's
skin, you kook. And then a gentle smack. Yeah,
give her a little raspberry. Sucking a guy's
dick in the 30s. That's crazy. With a Tommy gun.
I gave you a kook. Shut up, bitch. She's sucking
your dick while she's holding a Tommy gun. You
guys just robbed a bank together. Imagine what
those fucking days must have been like. When
people were just driving around with Tommy guns,
robbing banks. Oh, those are the better days.
Bro, people rob banks. Negative time. Bonnie
and Clyde. Truly negative experience. They figured
out they could just pull guns on people and get
a bunch of money and run away. And there was
no internet. Yeah, just get away. No fingerprints.
No internet. They all got murdered. They didn't
get murdered. They all got shot. They all tried
to have a shootout behind a mattress. How many
people actually got away with bank robberies,
though? That's a good question. By the way, I
don't know if it's a great thing to promote here.
You can get away. I think if you rob one bank,
it's like 70%. you get away with it. Really?
Really. It's the guys who go for the rush. Like
if you go and get a makeup specialist to give
you a fake nose. I think you walk into a bank.
Ski mask. Ski mask. They can't find you. Consequently,
many bank robbers are caught the same day. The
clearance rate for bank robbery is among the
highest of all crimes at nearly 60%. Wow. That's
not great. That's not a good rate. I don't want
to promote it. Yeah. Jesus. But you can walk
into a bank with it. The craziest thing is that
- You have a 60 % chance of getting away with
it. NASCAR is from bootleggers. Yep. Isn't that
insane? We have a sport. Yeah, it makes sense,
though. Made by these guys rush killing it. They
wanted to figure out better cars, cars that could
outrun the cops. Yeah. So they hot -rodded. They
should make NASCAR guys go drunk. Dude, the first
time I ever did radio in the South, I remember
them bringing up NASCAR. I was like, what are
you guys talking about? And they're like, you
didn't see what Dale did? I go, what? What are
you talking about? And they're like, to them,
it was just everybody knew. They cared so much
more than we cared. All these people were famous.
It was like, I was realizing, this is pre -internet.
There's places where you go, there's people that
were famous, you had no idea who they were. You
were with me. We went to Charlie Goodnight's
in Raleigh, North Carolina. Great club. And then
we went to the Honky Tonk Bar. Do you remember
that? What happened? They let him in? No, nothing
bad happened. We were in the Honky Tonk bar and
we're these fucking dorks from L .A. We're these
dorks from L .A. And this song comes on and everyone
knows the words. And they're singing along. And
if you ask Ari and I whether or not that was
a real song, we're like, that's not a real song.
Is this a flash mob? What's going on? They all
sang along like we were being pranked. And we
were like, this is a famous song. And it's not
like I know it, but I don't really know it. It's
like, I've never heard of it. Have you heard
of this? Never heard of the band. Never heard
of the song. Because this is like when the internet
wasn't really popular. It was regional. It was
totally regional. These fucking people all sang
along. They were all dancing and shit, and we
were like, whoa, this is crazy. Regional was
nice. It was kind of nice. I liked regional.
You had a community. Like a bunch of Vikings.
There was cultures. Yeah. Now it's all the same.
I think that's why we like Boston shit so much,
because it's like, ah, Harvard, yeah, and all
that, because it's rare now. They still have
some culture. There were scenes, too, like the
L .A. punk scene, the D .C. punk scene. They
had their own vibe. You could tell where somebody
came from. Seattle grunts. Yes, that's a good
one. Boy, is that represented by the fucking
climate, huh? Oh, yeah. Just dour and draining.
That's so true, yeah. They're just like, no,
no, no, respect women or whatever. Suicide rates
higher in Seattle. It's high as fuck. Then you
got to get outside kids get some vitamin D in
your system or you could fucking kill yourself
Why go outside when you can just kill yourself?
Go outside kind of sucks. You can just fucking
kill yourself. I think the mushrooms are wearing
off. This is goddamn Zinpax. It's designed by
the government. But yeah, we did that. The Fully
Loaded, we did a NASCAR track. Oh, it was great.
And the guy took us around on the NASCAR, and
he's like, hey, 100 ,000 people come to this
every week. We're like, what? People love it.
It was the largest college football game. It's
a tailgate. It's a big tailgate. It's a big tailgate.
It's a big tribal thing, too. Everybody gets
together. Williams Grove. Williams Grove. Right
by my parents' house. Williams Grove. Don't people
die there every year? Yeah, they get hit by tires
right in the fucking face. It's fun to watch
on video. Tires fly off and they just fucking
careen into the audience. Yeah. They're doing
the F1 in Vegas next year. Oh, really? On the
strip. Really? Oh, my God. That's going to be
insane. Is that F1? That's going to be insane.
I don't think people die all the time in NASCAR.
No, the one by Shane's house. I'll say this.
The ones I went, at Williams Grove, I went to
a dude, the car flew out and landed on a guy.
Oh, my God. That was like two years ago. Oh,
my God. You saw that? Driver died, yeah. Really?
Jesus Christ. I mean, yeah. You ever see those
Le Mans? Those Le Mans in the 60s? No, you saw
that? You saw a guy get hit with a flying car?
I mean, I was in the mob in the middle of the,
yeah. He was pounding a beer. That's like a scene
in a movie. That's like a scene in a movie. The
flying car coming at you, it pauses and says,
let me tell you how I got here. And then the
movie starts and it backs up. So before the guy
dies. Final destination. Just some wild ass movie
that ends with this guy getting obliterated by
the car. And at the end of the movie, you're
like, holy shit, what a movie. No wonder you
like Chevy Cruze. That would never fucking fly
out near you. Yeah, they're not fast enough to
really kill you. Chevy Cruze? Oh, you say that
now, dude. The Cruze will get you. Bro, you love
them. You're committed. Ari, are you going to
get a BMW? No. It's a fucking New York, dude.
You can't get anything. Hold on. You'll like
this. Whoa. Oh, that's a dude fell out of that.
A dude fell out of that. Nope. No, he's still
in there. He's done. He's like a rag doll. What
is that? Oh, Jesus Christ. You can literally,
you hear this from my parents' house. You can
see the lights and hear this. Oh, my God. Every
summer night, I hear that a summer night. The
greatest drivers of all time have died driving.
Why don't the Jews make a car? Good question.
Why don't the Jews make a car? They don't really
make much. Are they into manufacturing stuff
like that? Well, they own whoever makes it. Yeah.
But why is it a Jew -run car? Because they're
always like, when I grew up, they're like, don't
get an Audi, don't get a BMW, don't get a Mercedes.
What is it about those German and European cars
that are so goddamn good? They're the best. German
-specific, though. German and Japanese. How are
they so good at this? Bro, Porsche? Those cars
are fucking amazing. They're perfect. The new
ones, they just keep getting them better and
better and better. And then the new 911 is so
good, it's sensational. You drive it, you're
like, I can't believe how good they are. They
keep making the same thing every year better.
That's how good the 911 was. 911 happened, and
they're like, we're not changing the name. We're
not changing shit. Get over it. Get over it.
This car's too cool. They sold a 2001 911. Yeah.
They sold a 2002 911. This is a 2001 911. Bro,
I own a 2002 911. That was like the first nice
car. I got one of the first nice cars. The Bronco
went away, but now it's back. Bronco went away.
Oh, Bronco never went away. It did. It did. It
stopped making it for a little bit, right? It
did, yeah. Oh, that's right. They're like that
press. But I think about the Restomods and shit.
People always bought Broncos. I love a Bronco.
You know who had the dopest Bronco? OJ Simpson.
Got a nice white one. Didn't Mark Curry have
a Bronco that got, I think Mark Curry had a Bronco
that a fucking tree fell on it. Mark Curry's
a car guy. Curry Underwood. Show the image. Mark
Curry's Bronco. He had this dope resto mod Bronco
that he had tricked out. And he sprang to the
comedy store. What happened? A tree fell on it?
A tree fell on his fucking truck, man. He got
it in 1995 and it got destroyed by fucking nature.
And not only that, he kept it and updated it
and tricked it out. It was nice. Damn. He's got
insurance? a tree? I don't know. That's what
I was going to ask earlier. Do you think they
had to change art insurance now that people are
gluing themselves to walls and shit? Confederate
insurance and shit like that. Because they're
throwing soup at paintings. You have to make
sure that that painting is fucking protected.
What if they don't know any better and they throw
something that eats through whatever the protective
layer is and actually destroys the painting?
I think it's wild in museums that it's not just
behind glass. You can just walk up and touch
it. Like, every piece. But they've had that for
fucking centuries, and these animals never glued
themselves to the walls. Animals. People are
so crazy. They're dumb. We are going to stop.
She was so posh, too, those girls that were on
Patrick, Pat, David. They were so posh. I know.
Do it at the fucking Tonight Show. Do it at the
Tonight Show. Yeah. Well, it's called Progresso.
Whatever the... All right. We're talking about
them. It does work. I don't see much on the internet
that makes me actually angry. When I see those
fucking dorks throw shit on a painting, it actually
makes me angry. But you're not going to help
the environment after. Me? I'll make some adjustments.
It's like, aw. I'll make some adjustments. They
aggravate art insurers' climate headache. It's
a climp. Yeah, man. These people, they just think
it's okay to ruin art. They have glass on every
painting, though, I think. I think those two
have ever hooked up. Oh, there's some scissoring
happening. maybe but the thing is it's like that's
such a dumb thing to attack they need another
vietnam why would you attack art why don't you
just glue yourself to a fucking whatever A power
station. Would you have one? Why are you gluing
yourself? No. No. I don't want to push that.
Kids that did that? Come on, man. That's silly.
They think they're helping the world. They would
suck. Their frontal lobe is even fully formed.
They couldn't do what we do. Right, fellas? What's
the organization? They couldn't do anything like
this. They couldn't do shrooms and get drunk?
Not on this amount of shrooms. At noon? Well,
they'll be doing OnlyFans soon. What percentage
of the population will be on OnlyFans by the
time 2040 rolls? I'm waiting for Greta Thunberg.
Why are you such a pussy with weed? I don't like
it. Bro, if we're doing a show, there's zero
chance. You know what I don't like? What? Cold,
cold water, but I get it anywhere. Oh. It's good
for you. I don't get it in fucking cold water
either. It's good for you. What the fuck? That
too. I also avoid that. Dude, you should do it.
Just do it for like 10 seconds. You get out,
you feel amazing. I like it. I agree. 10 seconds.
I agree. But weed's not ten seconds. Weed's fucking
seven hours, and I had a terrible set. And, yeah.
Weed will fuck you up on stage. All these drugs.
Do it after you're done with your thing. And
it's mental. It hurts your brain. Yeah, man.
Do it this way. Makes you sad. You start thinking
about the negatives. No, you don't. I do. Yeah.
That's what you do. You just switch up. Whatever
you're on, go the other side. No, I think it
affects different people different ways, man.
Oh, for sure. Yeah. I like substances. Yeah.
I love substances. Clearly. I don't like that
one. Yeah. No, I get it. I've tried them all.
Neither does Stand Up. Me and Stand Up always
just joke around with each other about that.
He's like, just get blackout. Just smoke this.
Just blackout drunk. He just doesn't like that.
feeling like ah which i like i like that like
life is fucking crazy i like that feeling I like
that feeling of paranoia and lack of control.
What a nightmare. It's fun. The phone rings.
I'm freaking out. I like it. Well, you know his
house burned down. Did you see that? Yeah. Who?
Stanhope. Stanhope had a house fire. Oh, I did
see that. That's crazy. What happened? From what?
It seems like it was in the ceiling. What the
hell is this? Was it in the ceiling? Was it like
an electrical fire or something? What are you
doing, J -Bo? He's a sobber. That's the Jewish
car? I was like, sobber's a Jewish word. A Jewish
car. A sobber. That's pretty fucking badass.
I would get that. It's all notes. Not really.
I wouldn't be seen driving that thing. It's a
honker. That's one where you have a monkey driving
it and you're in the back. That's actually a
cool looking car. That is kind of cool. That's
very cool. I changed my mind. That's a cool looking
car. Is there a Star of David on that thing?
It's hard to see what a car looks like unless
you're standing over it. I bet Leno has that.
Photos are always weird. If I was standing next
to that car, it'd be so funny. I guarantee you.
It's not a Mazda. It's a Mazda. All right. I'll
see you all in hell. Oh, that's cool. Not bad,
dude. Lady looks like she's having a good time.
I dig it. What? It's nice. She's having fun.
It's a little drafty. We let her drive here.
Only part of the region. Look into my hood scoop.
Look at the hood scoop. Functional hood scoop.
Yes or no? Hood scoop. This guy's in food, huh?
Mazza Miata. Shall we end this? Wait. What were
we talking about? We had something I wanted to
pull up. We just talked about it. Fire it up.
Fire it up. Fire it up, Jamie. Oh, the house
burning down. Oh, yeah. Steno. Steno house burning
down. It was in the ceiling. Jamie's got to restart
the computer. He said he ran in. He didn't know
what to grab. Was it in the ceiling where the
fire broke? This is the first I'm hearing about
it. He grabbed the back of the cigarette. I think
it burned. It literally made for burning. Get
the kindling. I lived out there for a month.
That house is so fucking funny. You lived in
Steno for a whole month. That's right. I forgot
about that. It was nuts. Sam came out for like
a week. He's a funny guy. Comic hangs. That's
a wild place to live, Shane Gillis. So my house
is on fire. He's still drinking. Is that viral?
That should be viral. How do you know how many
people have watched that? Is there a number that
is viral? 35 ,000. 35 ,000 is viral? No, it's
just how many views it has. First comic I ever
saw live. Stan Hope? Yeah. Stan Hope's so good.
Sean Patton opened. It was a hell of a show.
Damn. Yeah. Fun. And I was like, oh, we can do
this? He just got drunk and said crazy shit.
Wow. And it was funny. Damn. That's a good show.
When I was a new comic in New York and he would
come to New York, it was like an event. He would
rent out. He's like, fuck the clubs. Fuck Carolines.
I'm going to BB King's or some shit. Me and Nikki
Glaser went to see him one night. Let's go across
town. Let's go right now. Yeah. It was wild.
Standing room only. Yeah, never use a club. Yeah.
Oh, look at that. Fucking suits. They covered
up the fucking suits. We're going to film today
me trying on all the different suits I might
wear for New Year's in Vegas. After I thought,
what would I take out in a fire? Fuck, my suits.
My suits. And then the fire chief. If you have
a tarp, I'll go cover up as best I can. Jesus.
Jesus. Bleak over there. That's not a happy ending
from burning down the house. We should have ended
the podcast right there. We were good. We got
to the reality of a drunk guy walking through
his burnt out, fucked up house. We'll all be
there one day. He's got the norm disease where
he wears oversized clothes. Here we go. Let's
look at the comments. Look at that. The like
by Shane Gillis. That's my guy. I'm a fan. That's
good. Troy Conrad. Oh, fuck. I'm so sorry. That's
a text. That's great. I fucking love you. I hope
everything's safe. All right. Funny guy. Ladies
and gentlemen, that brings to a conclusion another
Protect Our Parks. We have failed to protect
parks. Protect our parts. Bitcoin coming next
month. Yeah. Let's have our own currency. Great
people. Oh, wait. We're not going to plug? Let's
do quick plugs. No one's listening. Wow, we got
shows. We got websites. We got tickets. Yeah,
if you're listening now, plugs is nice. Plug
your shit. What do you got? Jew face on Comedy
Central. Seattle, the Moors just added. Another
show in Vancouver. The Beacon is coming. Website.
I'm doing The Beacon. RAShafear .com. Hell yeah.
The Beacon, I'm doing it in March. You did it.
No, I never did it. Look at this. I'm for Seinfeld
there. Look at this. Shows at it. Look at this.
Greatest hits. Look at this. Seattle should be
up there now. Mark Norman, your plugs, kind sir.
MarkNormanComedy .com. We might be drunk. Tuesdays
with Stories. Out to lunch on YouTube. All the
bullshit all over the road. Patreon. Check it
out. Queef it up. Praise Allah. Queef it up.
That's the same pose he just did. That's the
same pose he just did. Shane Gillis. Go buy Gillian
Keeves. Yeah. Greatest sketch show in history.
Gillian Keeves. That's it. Matt and Shane's secret
podcast. There you go. Suck our dicks to all
our enemies. Wow. You know what it is. You know
what it is. It's Hitler. You can't go wrong.
Come on. That's comedy. We're having fun. Brilliant
times. Brilliant sketches. Alright, you guys.
That's it. Bye.