"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1728. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Contemporary Satire, Stand-up Comedy Industry, and the Psychology of Creative Independence." Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan
Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by
night, all day. This is basically a super show,
ladies and gentlemen. Shane Gillis. Hey, super
spreader of love. Ari Shafir. And Mark Norman
with a mask on. Hey. He's got a shtick going.
Just want to be safe. We just saw your antibodies.
We all have antibodies except Ari. I have other
things, guys. I'm on a different level. You have.
The most bitch -ass antibody line from that vaccine.
Auschwitz. And you had it in June? So July, August,
September, October, November. Five months, it's
useless. July, August, September, October, November.
Five months. Useless. Does nothing. The weaker
people. And yet I've never gotten it. I've survived
everything. Overdoses. It's amazing. It's amazing.
Yeah, resilience. Maybe it's all the drugs. Maybe
it's the drugs. Kills everything else. Kills
brain cells. Can't kill those cells. Right. That's
good. I like how you're thinking. Prove me wrong.
Fauci hasn't weighed in on that. Well, there
was a lot of talk about people that smoke cigarettes.
They were saying that people that smoke cigarettes
are less likely to catch it. And they were trying
to figure out why. And someone made this theory,
said, well, you've got to think about what cigarettes
are. It's hot smoke. You're taking in hot smoke
in your lungs in the very area where coronavirus
replicates. It replicates in your throat and
in your nostrils. So these people, I mean, it's
a dumb idea. It's not like smoking cigarettes
will kill. Maybe that works. But you'd have to
smoke a lot. You'd have to do it like, you know,
like Wiz Khalifa style. Being inactive and drinking
has helped me. Yeah. You get into less bad situations.
Yeah. I just haven't gotten. Well, I got it.
Well, you got it. You guys both got it. I'm fighting
it off. Yeah. All three of you got it. I was
recently exposed. Yeah, you were. Shane just
went through it. Sorry about that. You have the
other line. You have the lower line that's a
recent exposure line. Mark Norman, you've got
some fat -ass antibodies. How do you feel about
that? I don't think they're that fat. Mine were
fat as hell. Yours were thin. I was going to
get to that. You got a hell of a piece. Joe was
chirping until he saw my lines. Yours is exactly
the same as mine. Yeah, I know. Well, congratulations
on being like me. When you've been canceled,
your line gets thicker. Better or worse. The
more you get canceled, the more your line builds
up your social immunity as well. I've been through
one in like a year and a half, so mine are all
weakened. Time for another death tweet. Get Chappelle
in here. It'll be this thick. Yeah, right now.
But meanwhile, when the guy goes on stage, I
filmed him going on stage when we did... New
Orleans or Nashville? I think New Orleans. It's
the fucking craziest sound you've ever heard
in your life. Really? Oh, my God. They're so
happy he's there. How was New Orleans, though?
Because they can be notoriously shitty audiences.
They were great. It was wild. It was wild. No,
it was wild. The same thing with Louis. When
he went up to the cellar, it was always like
explosions. Yeah. People are happy. People are
happy. It's a small percentage of very loud people
that are canceling him, and all of them didn't
see the special. That's why there's no quotes.
Right. If you notice the thing about Chappelle,
all the hate. One word quotes. He finds them,
quote unquote, funny. Yeah. Someone said, I had
a guy on the other day, Rob Kearney, who goes
by the name World's Strongest Gay on Instagram.
He's a power lifter who happens to be a gay guy.
And that was the thing that bothered him. He
said that he finds them, that Chappelle saying
he finds them funny. He thought it was, you know.
At some point, aren't we all just supposed to
be like, whatever this is, is a misquote. Anything
you're exposed to is probably a misquote. Like
everyone. If you're not hearing it in context,
he, I mean, in the same special, Chappelle literally
talks about being molested and jerking off in
a man's face. That's funny. And he beat up a
lesbian in the special. No one cares about that.
Exactly. About who's tenderizing her titties.
Yes. Hitting her with lefts and rights. And like,
it's absurd to the extreme. And yet they focus
on one thing he says as if it's a statement.
Yeah. You know, as if he's giving an affidavit.
People are done with it. And then they all walk
out. But there was like real strikes at John
Deere and Kellogg that nobody cared about. What
was the real strikes? Yeah, they were all getting
horrible work conditions, so they all striked.
... ... Well, what about the sanitation workers
in New York City? That's what's crazy. They could
bring the city to their knees. Those are the
most important people in the city. NYPD, too.
Yeah. Well, NYPD, there's quite a few. And fire
department, too. They're shutting down a bunch
of firehouses because they don't want to get
vaccinated. It's crazy, man. Sanitation's striking
over that? Yeah. Vaccination mandates. They have
the utmost power. Yes. Because also, you've got
a train to come in. Anybody can be a teacher.
I lived in New York when it went really bad in
the 90s. In the 90s, there was a sanitation strike.
that lasted a long time and there was fucking
six foot piles of garbage. Wow. Is that every
night? Yeah. It feels like that. Damn. It's like
it moves. You ever see the moves? Oh, the rats.
And the hobos. The rats are insane. They're insane.
The rats are just running around. You ever seen
that documentary on Netflix? Rats? Yeah. I can't
watch that shit. When you find out how many rats
are actually in New York City, you're like, oh,
my God. The same biomass as people, if not more.
Yeah. Yeah, imagine. You ever jump down on the
tracks before on the subway? No. I used to skateboard.
My board rolled down there, and I was like 21,
so I was a young kid. come guzzler and i just
jumped down there to grab it and it was just
rats everywhere scurrying and then you you know
everybody's like what are you crazy and i jumped
out and it's uh deceivingly tall that ledge so
like it comes up to here which is hard to get
up i had to get up and then you know I made it,
but I was covered in shit. Well, here's the other
thing. Like, grabbing something and holding onto
a wall with your hands and pulling yourself up
and then getting your upper body, it takes a
lot of strength. Yeah, I can't get out of a pool.
Exactly, and that's more. I got to do the thing
where I, like, lay and roll up. Oh, yeah, the
old roll out. There's steps on the other side.
I'll go for another lap. You ever see that thing
that people do on a bar called a muscle up? Where
you start from a hanging sit -up, and then you
push all the way up. Fucking very hard to do.
You see that guy fall off the building? Who tried
to do it, but there's nothing to grab onto? What?
No. In Tokyo or wherever? No. Wait. Yeah. He
tried to do pull -ups, you know, the parkour
pull -ups, and then he was like, couldn't do
the last one, and he was like, oh, shit. And
you see him go, what am I going to do? And then
he's just like, the guy's filming from across
the way, and he's just like, truck. Nope. And
then false. Yeah, it was those dudes that were
taking pictures, like, filming themselves, like
Russian kids. I think his was on, like, a crane.
He went to, like, the edge of a crane. His arms
just gave out to me. Oh, Ari's going to show
it to us. He hung there for, like, a minute.
Here, let me put that on for you. Jamie's going
to show it to us. That's a big TV. It's a big
TV. Oh, God. It's not the one I saw. Fucking
Russians, man. They're crazy. Oh, my God. My
hands are sweating just watching this. No, it's
Asia. China. This might be a Mexican on the wall.
Man who scales China. Oh, look at him. He's on
top of the building. He's chilling. This is rough.
Jesus Christ. I can't watch. He's a baller. Right
here. Right here. He's like, I can do anything.
What? Are they going to show the drop? Yeah.
Not all the way down. Anyone else hard? Where
does he know he's not going to be able to get
back up? So he's hanging? He's fine right there.
Oh, my God. Don't push it. Don't push it. Why'd
you push it? He's doing two chin -ups. That's
it. That should be enough. That should be enough.
Oh, my God. He realizes he can't make it. Oh,
Jesus. Oh, no. It's done. He's got to make one
jump. It's like that free fall movie with the
guy, the rock climber. Oh, shit. Oh, he's fucked.
He's fucked. This is the end. He should say...
What do you do there? You die. You say a prayer.
Oh, my God. That is so far. Oh, jeez. Louise.
What a way to start. My hands are so sweaty.
You know James Kingston? Do you know who he is?
He's a guy who's been on the podcast a few years
back, and he does a lot of those videos with
GoPros, and he put one up on his Instagram page
today of him walking on the top of the Eiffel
Tower, and you're watching him do it. It's just
like, oh. Eiffel? Eiffel. I said Eiffel, right?
Yeah. I fucked it up. But he's walking on the
top of this tower on these beams, like, just,
you know, four inches wide. And he's balancing
himself. Look at this. Wow. This is where a black
guy goes. This is white people shit. 100 % white
people shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, man. This
just drives me nuts. Beautiful city. You ever
see the guy try to test out a flight suit on
the Eiffel Tower? No. Back in the day, there
was a guy trying to fly. Did it not work? No,
it's great. He just dies in front of everyone.
What? He's like, everyone, I invented flight.
Bro, the worst one I ever saw. Just try to save
it. Just straight down. The worst one I ever
saw was these people on a bridge, and this guy
in a flight suit was timing it where he was going
to fly through the bridge, and he missed it.
And he slams right into the side of the bridge
with this loud clang. This is him? He's like,
watch this. Check this shit out. 1912. Look at
that thing. It's like a blanket. That guy was
suicidal. He just wanted everybody to watch.
He got a permit for this. Oh, what kind of permits
did they have? Oh, geez. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh.
That was the wrong brother. Go back to what it
says. Look at this. The parachute failed to deploy,
and he plummeted 187 feet to his death. His right
leg and arm were crushed, his skull and spine
broken, and he was seen bleeding from his mouth,
nose, and ears. He didn't even a little bit get
it. No. No glide at all. Rewind a little. I think
they dragged him away. I don't think there was
any, like, don't move him. That's how they did
it back then. Yeah. They just didn't want to
leave a puddle. Like, ah, it didn't work. Oh,
my God, they're dragging him away. Everything's
crushed. They're holding onto his broken leg.
Look at the indentation he made in the ground.
Look, they're measuring it. He was still less
injured than Tom Segura. This was entertainment
back then. Yeah. This was pre -internet. Like,
hey, here are guys jumping off the thing. Yeah,
let's go. Wow. Wow. I don't understand that stuff.
I don't even understand parachute people. Why
do you want to do that? You've never skydived?
No. I've never done it either. You say it like
I should have done it. You feel like you have.
I thought you did a podcast in the air. I see
you guys skydiving. I would, but I don't want
to. I would have, but my dad did it in the army
when Arabs were shooting at him. It was like
a pussy move to be like, I did it for fun with
the dude strats in my asshole. That's hilarious.
It looks awesome, and everybody says after you
do it, it's like the most refreshing, best moment
of your life, but I got no desire. I think that
first part of just having a guy strapped to me.
That ruins it. I bet you get used to being up
there after like two seconds. Sure. How many
times do you have to do it before you can do
it on your own? Five? You just go to a cheaper
place. You do it once if no one's looking. Just
go to South America. It's like some of those
dive sites. Like, is this patty? Like, it's whatever
you want it to be. 25 jumps. Oh, man, I was way
off. That's a lot, though. That's a lot. And
that ain't cheap either. Yeah. And you got to
take a class. So fuck that. Red Band's dad worked
in this office building with this person. I think
it was a lady that was really into skydiving
and was always trying to get him to go skydiving.
And one day he shows up Monday morning and the
person's not there. I think it was a lady. And
he's like, where is she? And you're like. Didn't
make it. Skydived. Parachute didn't deploy. Bounced
off the ground like a fucking frisbee. I feel
like your business is done then. Well, that job.
you need to find a new person for. Yeah. You
cash in for a week or two while people sell their
reservations. But that's a bad trip advisor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's over. You know, that Yelp
review. I heard about a guy who survived his
parachute didn't deploy and he fell through a
barn and he lived. Whoa. He fell through a barn,
through the roof of a barn and into like stacks
of hay and actually survived. You've got to believe
in God after that. Imagine going through all
that, but I can't believe it. Second lease on
life, and then you go home, and your wife is
still a cunt. Or you come home, and she's fucking
some guy because she thought you were dead. Like,
you didn't even wait until tomorrow? You're just
in there trying to fuck a horse, and a guy flies
through the ceiling? Right. That's a sign to
keep going? You ever seen the bridge? The bridge
documentary where the guys jump off the bridge?
It's called the bridge. Oh, yeah. San Francisco.
A friend of mine just did that. He died? Yeah.
He just committed suicide there. Donnell Rollins?
No, Donnell's alive. Guy I've known for more
than 20 years. Damn. And that's the bridge he
picked? Yeah, that's the one. Parachute plummets
through roof into kitchen of California house.
Man survived the fall after chute failed to open.
Wow. Wow. In the kitchen. Interesting. That one
in New York with the guy falling off onto the...
Car? Oh, that was crazy. Yeah, nine stories.
All he had was like a busted arm. You see that?
Yeah, he had a Tom Segura arm. Yeah. And everyone's
like, stop moving. But he's so shook. Everyone's
like. Did someone throw him out of the window?
I don't know. I think they think someone threw
him out of the window. There was an investigation.
He looked like the kind of guy that someone would.
39 stories. What? Is this another one? This is
2010. 29 stories landed on a car and survived.
He came down feet first at like 100 miles an
hour. Andrew Petrucelli, a maintenance worker.
I saw this fucking guy. He told the New York
Daily News. It's a miracle if I've ever seen
one. He should be a goner. It was like that movie
Unbreakable. That movie Unbreakable, the guy
broke all the time. You fucking idiot. That was
this guy, Unbreakable. That was this guy, Unbreakable.
That guy did not watch that movie. It's good
he had that reference handy. Isn't that movie
about like... No, you got that one right. Was
it Samuel Jackson? Oh, that's right. Unbreakable
was the guy who survived the train. I bet somebody
gave him that line. Like he was talking about
before the press got there, and somebody's like,
it's like Unbreakable, and they just co -opted
it. Oh, and then Glass was like the sequel to
that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's what confused
me. Right, they were like Bruce Willis' Unbreakable,
and then Samuel Jackson broke all the time. Yeah.
Which is the dumbest idea for fucking two. When
people try to make superheroes like pretty close
to normal. Yeah. Almost normal. Give them real
emotions. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into that. That's
why James Bond got weird. He was too survivable.
He fell in love. Well, that too, but yeah, he
got too emotional. He wasn't just fucking. Wait
a minute. When did he fall in love? Nate Craig
or whatever. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig. He fell
in love? I didn't know. He falls in love constantly.
Oh, really? Yeah, James Bond falls in love like
a bitch. That's weird. He's my favorite James
Bond. What? He's the most believable. All his
other ones look like bitches. Connery? Connery.
Connery in the beginning. I can't imagine him
winning a fight, though, as he got older and
with the toupee on. He is older. Jamie, pull
up when Connery got into a bar fight in Scotland
in like the 30s. He definitely did. Poor Connery
saying he should slap women. He was like a real
barman. Sometimes they won't let it go, and they
need a slap. You've got to raise it a little
bit more. Sometimes you've settled it. This is
a movie. This is a movie, just not real. Hold
on, J -Mo, I'm talking about a real fisticuffs
in a bar. Is that on camera somewhere? I don't
know about that, but there's a clipping. There's
an article about it? Oh, yeah. There we go. A
lot of those old Irish and Scottish actors, those
guys were getting fights all the time. VB and
Stabbings. Well, he said he was in his 20s when
this happened, so there's no video of it. All
right, all right. It says he beat up four guys
in a wild night out. Who? One of those guys is
Sean Connery. Fucking Scottish people with their
tall tales. Then he beat up the Loch Ness. Yeah,
what do these guys look like? Yeah, that's true.
It's back in the day. It's a weird character.
It's a character you can't really keep going
over and over and over and over again, the James
Bond character. Now they're going to do it with
a new person. They're going to do it with a chick.
For sure they're going to do it with a chick.
Chick over black guy? Or black. Trans chick.
In the newest one there was. In the newest James
Bond. There was a little hint at it. Hey, don't
say anything. I haven't seen it yet. You go to
the movies? No, they had their chance. I do like
going to the movies. You actually go to the movies
still? Oh, yeah. It's great. I thought it was
over. I've seen three movies this month. I thought
nobody did it anymore. No, it's amazing. Movie
pass? I thought it was over. I just love going
to the movies. I like going to the movies, too.
I like sipping the dark and the cold. Yeah. You
know, it's good on the road. When you're on the
road, a movie on Saturday, it's something to
do. I saw The Last Duel. Check that out. The
Last Duel. I don't know it. What is it? It's
a new Ridley Scott movie. Oh, Ridley Scott. Yeah,
he's the best. He makes one. It's about Adam
Driver gets accused of rape. And back in France,
they used to just be like, all right, the way
they would do trial is trial by combat. So Matt
Damon does trial by combat with Adam Driver to
see if he's guilty of rape. Whoa, what year is
this? 13. Wow. It was the last it was the last
time they did so if you were like really good
at combat you just rape crazy and just Always
say you didn't do it then fuck everybody up.
Yeah, and then that means it's like ball. Don't
lie They're wearing all this armor. When is this
from? When is this supposed to be set 1300 that's
Ben Affleck with the hair Wow with the mullet
dude Look he's got the horse his army and everything
so this is a good movie. Yeah, I liked it a lot
It looks like a big production. That's what you've
got to get for a movie now. You've got to make
it an experience, and they're doing it. Movies
are coming back, man. They're coming back. Paul
Thomas Anderson's got a new one. Wes Anderson's
got a new one. I think the superheroes are done.
Fast 9 was fun as shit. Superheroes are done.
No, they've got a new Blade coming out. With
Wesley? No, Wesley's out. They've got a new guy.
He didn't pay those taxes. There's a new Matrix.
What? New Matrix, yeah. Keanu? Yes. Wow. What
is it for? 20 years later? Yeah. Okay. This is
a new era. I'll watch that. I'll watch that for
sure. Every movie's the same movie. I've been
going to movies. Every trailer is like, hey,
new Ghostbusters, new Matrix. Oh, they repeat.
Oh, yeah. Did you guys see the Mark Zuckerberg
meta demonstration? No. You watch that and you
go, hey, motherfucker, what are you trying to
do? Are you trying to make the Matrix for real?
Yeah, he is. He is. Yeah. Well. It seems like
he's being. sneaky about it. It's already going
to happen. That's Facebook's version of it. He
just wants it to be under his banner. It's crazy
that they're changing the name of Facebook to
Meta, and they're going to call it the Metaverse.
I thought that was also so you can sue me, but
our parent company is over there now. So you
can sue me. We only have $100 in our holding.
So Meta's got all the money. So you're suing
Facebook for fucking evil shit of like turning
brother against brother, but Facebook only has
$100 in assets, so Meta's got all the assets.
You can't sue them. That's what it felt like
to me. Man, you do have a real Jewish way of
thinking. It's lawyer style. Helps us survive
in times when we have no antibodies. What choice
do we have? The whole algorithm thing, it's very
strange because, you know, I bring you up all
the time, Ari, that you did that thing where
you went and looked for puppies on YouTube and
then all YouTube would show you is puppies. Here's
what no one understands about that. It's not
just that it would do that. It's that it affects
your mood for the better. You get to be the person
who watches puppies all day. And you're just
a happier person during that time. Right. Than
watching videos about how everyone's upset at
each other. And you also get upset. But do puppies
keep you happy? I feel like you see a puppy randomly,
it's nice. But if you see a puppy every day,
you're immune to the happiness. It's all fun.
Great times. Nah, not really. You obviously don't
have a puppy. No, I got a cat. Yeah, see, cats
are fine, but puppies are way better. When you
come home, oh, you used to have a bit about that.
Yeah. Jamie, play that bit. No. Jamie, play the
Fauci puppy video. Oh. Wait, what is that? How
dark is that? He's like cutting beagles' throats
out. Oh, come on. No. I never heard about this.
Oh, no. You made that up. I don't want to see
that. What is that, a family guy bit? No, no,
no, just listen. There is videos of it, but what
you need to know is what they were doing was
work. than what he's saying. They cut their throats
so that they couldn't bark. So they did experiments
on these beagle puppies and they put their heads
in cages and filled the cages with sand flies
where the sand flies were literally eating the
beagles alive. Come on. Anyone else heard? This
was all sponsored by the NIH. Like the NIH spent
money on this. Wow. You can just train them or
not bark. You got Justin Silver in there. No,
the idea is to see what happens when the sand
flies eat them alive. They just didn't want to
hear them barking and complaining. Whoa. The
pictures of the beagle puppies with their heads
locked into these cages is fucking so disturbing
that it's like some serial killer shit. Pull
it up. You can't believe that government - Why
would you get beagles? They scream the most.
Well, they're cute. That's why you do it. That's
why they cut their throat out. I wonder why they
did do beagles. Jesus. It's a quiet dog. Why
didn't they do like a shitty dog? I think they
used beagles for research. You can't get chihuahuas
where everybody would be rooting for it. I think
beagles are chihuahuas. And they yap. They yap.
Not all of them. They yap and they attack. My
ex had a chihuahua. Didn't like you. Maybe it
was you. I hated me. Wonder why. Although, you
know what's weird? When I went to bed, it would
sleep in my butthole for the warmth. Inside?
Well, not inside. What am I, Richard Gere? Right
there. But yeah, it would just get right up to
the warmth. That Richard Gere one is the greatest
rumor of all time. It is. Pre -internet. Exactly.
Do you know where that came from? No. Here's
the rumor. I don't know if it's true. The rumor
was that he left Scientology. Is that what you
heard? That's what I believe. Because Scientology
makes you tell all the secrets. And then they're
like, don't worry. We're clear of these. When
he did that Buddhist movie, became Buddhist,
they're like, no, no, you can't do that. He's
like, I am. They're like, then we're going to
release the info. Interesting. What I had heard
was that it was just to make him look like shit
because he left Scientology. I didn't hear that
it was actually a real thing that he stuck a
gerbil up his ass. I heard it was real. Gerbil.
We all heard the real thing. She also did gerbils?
Yep. Like a fifth grader level of a rumor. What's
crazy, but it stuck. It did. And it hurt his
acting career, too. That's so strange. Yeah,
it did. I mean, he was huge. That one's been
there. He was a leading man. Pretty Woman, Officer
in a Jail. He was a hunk, dude. Yeah. He was
a hunk. Mothman Prophecies, that was a good movie.
I liked it. But that wasn't where he set his
height. You're the one. Mothman Prophecies isn't
good? No. What are you kidding? He's been in
some amazing movies. I mean, Richard Gere's been
in some fucking amazing movies. I got nowhere
else to go. I got nowhere else to go. How bad
would Richard Gere feel if you're like, I loved
his acting and you brought up Mothman Prophecies
as number one? I liked it. He would hate it.
Hey, he did it. He did do it. It's like if you
love Robert Deere and you love that movie with
Michelle Pfeiffer where he dressed like a wizard.
You ever see that one? No. In the height of his
wife spending money, apparently, he was just
doing whatever fucking movie he could. And that's
what he said, apparently. Yeah, I think he was
open about it. Yeah, he was pretty open about
it. And he did this fucking terrible movie with
Michelle Pfeiffer. It was supposed to be one
of the worst movies ever made. And he plays a
wizard. Yeah, there was a sad stretch there.
Before Scorsese came back and got it. He really
just let it go. Yeah. Well, when you got a monthly
nut, like a million bucks a month. Anybody want
a cigar? That's what happened to Nick Cage, too.
Thank you. I'll do it. I'll smoke you cigars.
I'll do it for the bit. Gambling debts got caged.
That's why I did Ghost Rider 6. This was, you
were supposed to send me a box of these. I got
a box for you. Okay, cool. Thank you. These smell
terrible. These are good. How dare you? I'm joking.
What are you a fucking comedian? So you guys
are, what's the gig you guys are all doing together?
It's a fucking hell of a gig. When is this coming
out? Is this coming out right away? It's coming
out tomorrow. Oh. Is it pretty good? A gig tomorrow?
Yeah, a gig tomorrow. Norm is a secret guest.
Oh. That's perfect. Yeah, we kind of thought
we were going to get a lot more. Like when you
and me planned this show. Yeah. We're like, we'll
get Rogan, we'll get all, we'll get Louis, we'll
get all the guys. So there's Skank Fest. And
you got this douche. It's just like, yeah, it's
me and Norm. There's Skank Fest and we decided
to do a spite show right ahead of it. Where is
that? Can you hand me that can of propane? Or
whatever the fuck it is. So we called the secret
group and were like, hey, we want to do a show
just us the day before. And he goes, let me make
sure it's okay with Lewis. Oh, you wanted a tank.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Stan help used to
do that for just for laughs. Just for spite.
Yeah. Exactly that. Yeah. Exactly that. And that
was another one we thought we'd get. He had a
legitimate financial grievance with them. We
have no grievance with Lewis. It's just fun.
Just fuck with him. Yeah. You better do it now
before he gets brain damage. Lewis? Yeah. Nah,
he's going to win that fight, dude. You're out
of your mind. Interesting. Yeah. I think he's
going to win. He's way younger. He's bigger.
Yeah. He hasn't been punched nearly as much as
fucking Ellis. You guys have a very strange way
of looking at fighting. Yes. Agreed. Same. Ability
and experience don't matter. It does, but to
what degree? To what point? Almost everything.
So a young 22 -year -old boxer couldn't beat
a right now Muhammad Ali? Muhammad Ali's dead.
No! Why? COVID got him. Do you know that Logan
Paul is going to fight Mike Tyson? Shut up. Do
they have a no knockout rule again? No, that
was just for Roy Jones Jr. Please let this be
the one. It should be Logan and the brother fight
him together. That would be a fun fight. Mike
versus the Paul brothers. That's a good one.
Well, he's got to do one at a time. He's 54.
Thank you. But it's a real fight. Let me do it
for you. What am I doing here? Yeah. Figure it
out. All right. No way he'll figure it out. Useless.
There you go. No, you got to cut the edge first.
Did you cut the edge? Did you cut the edge? Give
me that. Sure, you got to help him out. You don't
know what you're doing? I've never used this
device. You look like a fucking idiot, dude.
I remember that, dude. When Norman was trying
to fucking cut a thing and he couldn't do it.
That was fucking hilarious. On the experience,
dude, you look like a fucking idiot. Get him.
Get him. This is a podcast known for cigar smoking,
bro. I would be choking on this thing in 20 seconds.
Good labia there. How's Bobby Kelly doing, speaking
of cigars? Still great. Still fat. Still fat.
He's doing great. That's odd. Here, you go. There's
another one. You go, dude. He's a funny guy.
Oh, he's the best. Bobby? Bobby's a great egg.
He's coming to Skank Fest. Oh, is he? Yeah. This
one's good, too. I got to cut it. There it is.
Yeah, there's a cutter in the back of that one
as well. That's a cool little device you got
there. It really is. It's nice, right? It's nice.
Yeah, it really is. So, everybody's going to
Skank Fest South? And that's in Houston? Is that
where it is? Yes. It's the best, dude. Have you
ever done one? No, I have not. I did one of their
shows in Hollywood, though, when they did the
Comedy Store. I did one of their shows. Legion
of Skanks. Yes. Yeah, it wasn't Skank Fest, but
it was a Legion of Skanks show. It was a lot
of fun. A lot of fun crowds, you know? Crowds
that just come to have a good time. That kind
of comedy is hard to come by these days. It's
like everybody's so goddamn fucking serious.
I think it's coming back. It's coming back. Well,
there's definitely some of it coming back. People
are tired. Yeah. They're tired of being lectured.
When people are doing comedy and they're lecturing
you at the same time, you're like, Jesus Christ.
Yeah. They're lecturing you and they're saying,
everything sucks but me. That's a big theme of
comedy now. It kind of is, right? Yeah. Everything
sucks. The world sucks, but I'm great. No, it
should be you suck too. That's comedy. Self -deprecation.
Well, Shane says it the best. He's like, you
get all these comics, four comics in a row going,
injustice is terrible. And then you just get
up there and go, injustice rules. Yeah, you get
to go on and be like, you know what I like? Injustice.
Yeah. Well, tell me why racism. This guy's the
best one. Yeah, and everyone's like, finally.
It's weird seeing someone so obviously virtue
signaling on stage and then to see it work. Because
comedy is either absurd, ridiculous, over -the
-top silly, or it's honest. So when you're seeing
that, it's neither of those things. It's not
absurd. It's not honest. It's just this weird
thing that you're doing. Like you're saying things
that people are compelled to clap at. Is it give
it up for the troops? Just the now version of
it? Yes, it's a version of give it up for the
troops. Who smoked weed? How about the troops?
How about a round of applause for the ladies?
Y 'all, some fine looking ladies up in here.
Yeah, every group has it. But then you flip it
on with the troops and say Al -Qaeda. Just to
throw them a wrench. You gotta throw wrenches
in. The day after we... lost Afghanistan, Tim
Dillon was on stage at Vulcan in Austin giving
it up for the Taliban. There you go. And talking
about how amazing it is that they put in all
that work after all these years. And they lasted.
Yeah, 20 years of hard work. It was impressive.
That's comedy. Yeah, it was comedy. To outlast
the American armed forces. Pretty good. Solid.
Yeah, it's fun. Cynically, I think it's almost
like it's planned. all our equipment. What? So
it's a win -win. I think they got done selling
weapons and pulled it out. Maybe. Maybe they
wait a while and then it gets really bad over
there and there's some real reason to go back
in a larger force. Or they let China come in
and then they're like, hey, here's an excuse
to fight China. You know what? One thing that
was real open to me, and I'm not political, but
like... And Trump early on was like, we're pulling
out of Afghanistan. You loved Trump. I do love
Trump. Love him? Yeah. Did I say love? Yeah,
everyone got upset. Is this Asian? Oh, shit.
Jamie, edit that in with like a loop over and
over again. You love China. Don't do it, dude.
Did I say it? Don't do it. You lost SNL. That's
how you said it, right? There goes mad TV. You
can't do it. There goes mad TV. You're never
going to be on. You're never going to be on,
Joe. Dude, I was at Matt TV and Michael Che's
giving me a tour. Quit bragging. And he goes,
and I'm like, is that the back thing going to
come out of it? He goes, well, just so you know,
there's superstition that if you come out before
you're actually on, you'll never host SNL. And
I was like, well, then I'm just going to do it
now. Hey, was that an option? What are you talking
about? It's hilarious that anybody would want
to do that anymore. It seems like so much work.
Well, Bill Burr seemed to like it. Yeah, Burr
liked it. Well, his monologue was amazing. His
monologue was great. But Burr's one of those
guys that, like, he wants to do, like, iconic
venues just to say, you know, he's got, like,
a nostalgia to him. Yeah, yeah. Like, he did
that theater in England because he saw Zeppelin
there or whatever the hell. Exactly, exactly.
Yeah, Burr loves that kind of shit. Yeah, he
says he goes to stadiums when he's on the road
alone just to see it. Does he really? Yeah, he's
a big nerd. He's an interesting guy. Yeah, he's
a sports nerd. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a giant sports
nerd. Sometimes I'll listen to his podcast. He'll
just rant and rave about certain plays and games.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
Same. I don't even know the rules. I'm a professional
sports broadcaster. I don't know the rules to
most sports. Can't believe you don't like football
that much. Well, believe it. It's not Santa Claus,
bro. You should. It's too many players. I like
UFC because it's one guy. You get to know one
guy. You feel like you're rooting for a dude
or a lady. But football is just like a uniform.
To me, it's like getting jerked off through a
glory hole with a condom on after you've had
actual sex. Yeah, compared to fighting. It's
boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's boring. Oh, okay.
It's like it's missing something. What was that
place called in San Francisco? Bangkok Spa. Jerk
off with a... um with a dish glove on oh there
was that place what is that called something
brothers right yeah the fairly brothers there's
a famous sign there's a famous sign from that
place that uh hunter s thompson stole that is
available that i gotta contact this guy it's
just like that was like we went there once like
20 years ago and there was these people on stage
doing a sex act Like these girls were like, they
were like dildoing each other. Yeah. And we were
like, what the fuck is this? There's different
rooms. There's a room you go to watch dirty movies
and jerk off. This is San Fran? San Fran. Wow,
that city's changed. And we had our friend. There
it is. Fairly, oh, Feral Theater. Fairly Brothers.
Fairly Brothers. That's what I said, wasn't it?
Closest. Oh, it's close. I did say Fairly Brothers.
Well, COVID got them. You can't watch sex acts
when everybody's coughing. I always wanted to
whack off in a theater. It'd be nice, right?
Fred Willard. Do you think if Pee Wee Herman
got busted doing that today, it'd probably be
nothing? Hero. He'd be a hero. Hero, right? Why
hero? Because he's a gay guy. Leaning into gayism.
Oh, yeah. Gay culture. Isn't it amazing how much
the world's shifted in just like a decade or
two? Crazy. I don't like it. You don't like it?
I'll be honest. I don't like it much. All this
progress. Meh. Is it progress? It's not all progress.
There is progress. There's a lot of progress.
Ellen got yelled at for being gay and couldn't
bring Anne Heche to a movie premiere. Right.
And now... She got yelled at for being mean.
Got yelled at for being mean. Which is also...
Progress. Yeah, well, I think she got yelled
at for not being what she really pretends to
be on the show. That's what it is. That's what
it is. You can't fake it. It's just a little
different. They wanted to think she was like
this real happy, friendly person who's always
lighthearted and dances and stuff. To find out
that she's mean would just freak people out.
They're like, what is going on? Cosby, same shit.
America's dead. But way worse, right? A little.
Now, being mean and what Cosby did are the same.
What are you saying? Hold on. It goes against
his personality. I rape and it's fine. People
expect it. How many years do you think we are
away from people reading minds with some kind
of technology? Oh, God. You don't want that.
You don't want it, but I feel like it's coming.
It's going to be a bad news. This whole metaverse
thing. Yeah. It's going to be embarrassing when
you find out how fucking dumb I am. He's thinking
about Notre Dame. That's where he changed his
mind. He's sitting here right now. It's like,
who do we got this week? Virginia? Are you a
gambler? Go deeper. Are you a gambler? I'm getting
into it. I like it. You like it? I've got that
money to give away now. Oh, it's a dangerous
fucking thing. How much of your weekly wages
are you blowing? Nothing. Well, I have a... I
use FanDuel, so I can only bet in Pennsylvania.
So I can only bet when I'm home, which is nice.
Oh, okay. You can't bet. Yeah, I have to do it
over the phone back when I'm home. The phone.
Yeah. I can't do it in New York. I've never won
a bet, so I don't gamble. What? It's fun when
you win, dude. I've never won. What about when
we went to Vegas? We bet on the whole basketball
tournament. I lost all of it. Oh, really? Yeah,
I had to change rooms. Damn. Did you really?
Yeah, I had to go down to Circus Circus. You
had cheaper rooms? Yeah, I can't bet. How much
did you lose? You know, a couple hundo, but at
the time. Norman's cheap. That hurts him more
than thousands would hurt you. Wow, I mean. Yeah,
you guys were already fucking tossing money for
Ubers. Is that how we're doing this? Huh? Oh,
he bought an Uber, so I wanted to give him the
money. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I said it's fine.
Oh, Ari's taking care of things? Look at you.
We have a show that's paying for everything.
Oh, Ari's the promoter. He's the alpha. He's
the promoter of the show. He's taking care of
the Uber. Me and Shane, the inaugural show with
the president and vice president of the Legion
of Skanks. Who's the drop -in? Hey, what is this
shirt you got on? Explain what's going on. You
got Save East River Park. What is happening?
Oh, yeah. There's this fucking great park in
New York. They're tearing it up. Ari's an activist
now. God. What are they doing there? They said
they need fucking barriers for the next Sandy
thing. Let it go. Let the park go. Yeah, but
you also wrote that they might put condos up.
They're gonna. So they put it in the laws, like
in the subtext, like, hey, if we run out of money
for this project, we should be allowed to put
in high rises or maybe a prison to pay for it.
A prison? Which means that's what they're going
to do. You don't want a prison there? This is
past Avenue D. This is all poor people, blacks,
Latinos. It would help the neighborhood. That
area is crazy. It's great out there. It's softball.
Avenue D? No, no, the park. Oh, but you've got
to go through Avenue D. It's like an obstacle
course of heroin needles and Puerto Ricans. Avenue
D is not the best. No, it's D for dead. A is
all right. B is be careful. C is... It's awful.
They just rebuilt it. Cut D. The park was open
two days after Sandy. The park is fine. And they're
just like, land grab. So is it all done? Is it
said and done? They're about to start demolishing
that big amphitheater out there. They're tearing
that down. What? Cutting down a thousand trees.
I thought that the parks were protected in New
York City. I thought that was like a vital part
of the city. Yeah. Fucking de Blasio's like,
let's sell out the fucking rights to it to make
money. Bro, what is that guy all about? He wants
to be governor now, too. It's so creepy. What's
his real name? You ever see his real name? Yeah.
It's not Bill de Blasio. No. It's like Warren
or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's
got a real weird name. He pulled a Theismann?
Oh, yeah. He pulled a Theismann? Yeah. It's a
total fake name. It's Notre Dame. He does not
have an Italian last name. name. Here it is.
Warren Wilhelm Jr. Sounds like a rich white guy.
Yeah, it does. Junior? I heard his wife's not
really black. Why did he change his name? Does
the name have a significance to it? It sounds
ethnic. It's like Garcetti. What's his name?
L .A. Oh! J -Mo! Garcetti changed it to... He
worked for the fucking Central Intelligence.
His dad was a CIA spook? Yes. Oh, his uncle.
His paternal uncle worked for the Central Intelligence
Agency and he said, hey, you know, you should...
Change your name to an Italian guy. Damn, that's
hilarious. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know that guy in
L .A. Villaraigosa. Villaraigosa. He changed
his name. His name is Villar. Thank you. His
wife's name and his name, he combined, though,
which almost works. Like, he married a lady,
and she had something, a gosa. She was gross.
Was she? Yeah, so they called her Villaraigosa.
No. No, that's not true. I'm pretty sure, Joe.
I don't know. Do the research. The documents
are there. Wait, there's a gross lady? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, his wife. What was she? Why? What? Why
was she gross? Her attitude, mostly. Her attitude,
mostly. So you're trying to save this park? Yeah.
No, different lady, different show. We're talking
about L .A. It was the mayor of L .A. Oh. Tony
Villaraigosa. Then we got big into mayors. Yeah,
well, I didn't give a fuck about them until the
pandemic when I realized they could actually
do things. Yeah, never thought about it. They
could shut down restaurants and shit. I was like,
oh, my God. You ever think, I feel bad for these
mayors because they went into it going like,
we're going to change, I guess, the school system,
maybe pave some roads, and then they're like,
handle a fucking international pandemic. And
they'd be like, oh, that's not my thing. That's
what they've been jerking off over. They're like,
I wish I had all this. Yeah, you're right. This
is my city. They love power. Shut down that Burger
King. This is my city. Have you seen that lady
who's running New Zealand? If she even gets asked
questions at press conferences and people yell
out questions, she goes, we're going to shut
this down. We're going to shut this down if you
keep yelling out. And then she just leaves. She's
like a Lady Trump. Accredited, accredited press
only. And so she leaves. She took the fucking
press conference indoors because they were yelling
out about the vaccine program that they have
in Israel, how it's not working, and about the
vaccinated people account for a vast percentage
of the people that are testing positive and even
deaths. And so this guy's yelling that out. But
what about this? You're yelling out about this
vaccine program. You want everybody to be vaccinated.
Tell us what you know about how it's failing
in Israel. And she goes, we're going to shut
this down if you keep with a big smile on her
face. But they have ultimate power now. Yikes.
They have the power to shut down businesses,
keep people in their homes. It's not as simple
as just protecting people. It's also they have
power. So when they have power, they fucking
like it, man. That's the reason why they run.
Those are the kind of people that run for governor
and mayor in the first place. They enjoy telling
people what to do. They're dorks. Well, they
like being the king. They want to be bullies.
I like being the queen. Remember when... not
knowing anything about politics was normal. Totally
normal. Now it's like, the Mueller report. I
have friends who are like, Scaramucci. I'm like,
I don't know any of this shit. And neither did
you 10 minutes ago. 10 minutes ago, yeah. You
read the headline, now you act like you know.
Jen Psaki. I'm like, who are these names? Jen
Psaki's cute. Is she? I'd like to give her a
kiss on the lips. She's got the vid right now.
She got COVID. You like that? You like redheads?
Yeah, nice. Ginger music. You like that, huh?
I like a good idea. Jen Psaki would be listening
to Joe Rogan. Do you know? I bet she does. I
bet she listens secretly in the car on the way
to work. Do you know? I never said anything mean
about her. Do you know redheads? blue team. She's
Biden's press secretary. That's a wild ass job.
Now we know what Shane likes. He likes them angry.
Oh, but she fucks. She likes it in the pooper.
Hey, don't say that. She screams like, you never
stop fucking me. I bet her bedroom's got an American
flag in it. She hates America, yeah. She's a
Soviet. She's a straight Soviet? No, who was
the blonde one that Trump hired towards the end?
The hot one? Yeah. McKenna Neal. Oh, McKenna
Neal. I'm a fan. She looks like the Big Bang
Theory. She had some good lines sometimes. On
the ball. She was very good at that job, and
that was a hard job. There she is. Yes. What
a babe, dude. Trump. Wow. I've seen her on Bumble.
Click that one where your cursor's on. I just
love that video. A more flattering photo. Where
she goes, I'm glad you brought that up. And then
just like bashes that guy. Yeah, bashes him with
facts. But she's got, let me talk to your manager
face. Big time. No, she's got, I am your new
manager, and this is why you have to listen.
The thing about redheads, I read this thing where
it said that redheads have like something about
pain. That they have a higher tolerance for pain?
That they think it might actually be a genetic
thing? Irish. Yeah. Let's see if we can find
that. There was something about redheads and
pain. Study finds link between red hair and pain
threshold. Wow. They're the chosen ones. British
rule. Beat you like a red -headed stepchild.
Find out. Let's find Louie and start punching
him. Oh, he can take it. I bet he can. So it
says people with red hair have a variant. A normal
man would have killed himself a long time ago.
I'm saying he's got pain threshold. I heard his
new special is fucking amazing. I heard the same.
I heard it's amazing and that fucking sign behind
him that just says sorry. You were there for
it? I was just with him. I was on the road with
him. I was like, you got to get back in. And
then I think he already deleted it. As soon as
I left the tour, he deleted it. What a pussy.
He had a hard time. He was the beloved guy. And
then all of a sudden they turned on him. I heard
his new set is amazing. That's what I heard.
I'll tell you a cool story. He's going to be
mad. I don't want to disrespect the king. Don't
get the guy in more trouble. No, it's just a
funny thing. I got to the hotel, and he was like,
what are you doing? I was like, I forgot my sunglasses.
I'm going to go buy a pair of sunglasses. He
was like, all right, I want you to come to my
hotel room before you leave. And I was like,
oh. And then, of course, he knew. He was fucking
with me. When the doors were closing, he was
like, I'm not going to jerk off. But I probably
shouldn't have said that on here. That's all
right. He's the king. And what he wanted to show
me was some of that. That he filmed. And then
I saw the hour and it's like... I heard my friend
went. I cannot wait for everyone to see it. He
already filmed it? Yeah. At the Garden. The Hulu,
right? Yeah. When is it coming out? I'm not sure.
That's a little awkward, though, that he showed
you that. I get it. I should have said that story.
I know. I get it. Yeah. He and I talked about
doing the podcast twice. Delete that story. Two
separate occasions. Delete the story. No, we're
keeping that story. I love him. Delete the story.
He's my favorite guy in the world. He's a great
guy. What's wrong with that story? That wasn't
bad. You didn't say anything bad about him. I
got a bad Louis story. So I used to open for
him before he was in trouble. And, you know,
he was like the king of comedy for a while. He
was the funniest guy ever, you know, whatever.
So I used to open for him and it was the highlight
of my life. And then we were hanging out in his
hotel room watching a movie and we were talking
and I was sitting on his bed and he was sitting
at the chair. in the hotel room, and I go, hey,
Louie, and I farted. On his bed? On his bed.
He lost it. He flipped. I was like, you're like
the filthy comedy guy. I thought you would love
a fart. And he was like, dude, what are you doing?
I was crushed. But did he get actually angry
or just like that, dude, what are you doing?
It was worse because he was like, I'm disappointed
in you. I thought we were building a relationship
and you farted in my hotel room. I could see
that 100%. I thought he'd love it. He strikes
me as a guy that would. Yeah. I could see him
going both ways. Interesting. I could see him
going like, that was hilarious. Or like, hey,
dude, what the fuck? You caught him on a bad
day. And it was a great fart, too. I really thought
he would be like, oh, shit. He'll tell you a
funny story about that. One time I was at an
offensive lineman camp. So it's just fat guys.
Yeah. Me and this dude are paired up together.
We're in a dorm room. And I farted. And he was
like, fuck that. Yes. He tried to fight me. I
was like, we're all 300 pounds. I know. This
is a fart camp. All we do is fart. This is all
we're doing. It's a fart camp. We're pushing
each other and farting. Why did he get mad at
you? He got furious. And then I had an offensive
line coach. In college, I farted during a team
meeting, and he stopped the film. He was like,
we don't do that in here. What? What? And I was
like, we all do that in here. That's the only
thing we're doing. It's not the N -word. You
guys have fucking protein just synthesizing in
your glass. All 300 -pound men just sitting there
just destroying farts. Just fucking creatine
as protein. I was bad. That's why. I was a nasty
one? I sucked. No, no, it didn't smell. I just
wasn't good. Right. If you were a starter, you'd
be like, oh, good. Mark Taylor farts. People
give him nutcrack. Joe's got a reference. Yeah,
I know football guys. I've seen a few football
guys. He was a big guy. Everybody knew him. He
played linebacker. Fucked people up. There's
another one. Ray Lewis. Killed a guy playing
linebacker. I think he killed a guy. Someone
with him killed a guy. Allegedly. He had a lady
in the elevator. No, that's Ray Rice. What did
you say? Ray Lewis. Oh, sorry. Another Ray. Different
black Ray. You know who's got a great bit about
football players getting in trouble is Neil Brennan.
That's a great bit. It's a great bit. I don't
want to say it because I don't know if he did.
Did he put it on a special? I think he did. He
did? Yeah, that's such a good bit. Yeah, about
football players doing football but outside of
the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People get mad. I'm
fucking it up, but it's great. No, it's a very
solid bit. Neil's a very good writer. I agree.
Very good writer. Yeah, he's clever. Like, he'll
say something sometimes on my, and I'll go, ooh,
nice. I like him. I like how you put it together.
He's unlikable. I like him a lot. He's a hell
of a writer. No, I'm joking. Some people don't
like him. I like him a lot. I like him, too.
He's got a bad face, but I like him. He's got
a fine face. He's got a wrestling face. I'm more
of a Kevin Brennan guy. Oh, I like Kevin. Kevin's
like, I love Kevin, but man. He's got to chill
out. You put yourself in a corner all the time.
I was like, do you ever get worried that you're
going to run into people you talk shit about?
He goes, yeah, I can't even go to the cellar.
I've got to go right downstairs. I like how he
acts like it's an outside force. He's like, I
can't help it. It's somebody else's fault. I
can't go there. He's a psycho. He's crossing
enemy lines. He's funny as shit. He really is.
Every time he's like, hey, bring somebody's name
up. I'm like, I'm not going to say he's a hack.
Yeah. People have sent me videos of him shitting
on me, and for some reason it doesn't hurt when
it's Kevin. Exactly. Because you're like, ah,
he's so sad or whatever. Yeah. And he's not wrong.
Yeah. He's so sad. Does he have a special? I
don't think so. He has a long time to go his
half hour. He did the first Comedy Central Presents.
Yeah, and it killed. You know who has no special?
Who? Tony Woods. He's got one. He does? He just
signed one with Netflix. I don't know if I'm
supposed to say that. He's the most underrated
comic in America. One of the best ever. Killer.
The hardest follow for me. Oh, bro follow. Because
he does what I do, but he does conversational,
but he does it so much better than me. He's so
smooth. Yeah, so smooth. Sexy. It bothers me
that it took so long. I mean, it took Chappelle
becoming a monolith, like a monster, for people
to realize that Chappelle was influenced by Tony
Woods, and then people hear about Tony Woods.
There he is. There he is. He's so chill on stage.
Yeah, I want to blow him. He's so funny. Funny
dude. Oh, that's They Ready? That's a little
set he did with Tiffany Haddish. I think he does
a full hour soon. Nice pants, though. Well, that's
good to hear because it's going to be great.
He's like 75, too. He looks amazing. He's finally
ready. I don't think he's that old. He's finally
fucking ready. He's going by they now? Can you
imagine? Imagine there's a comic who gave in
to that. What? Yeah, there are. They them? Oh,
that's a couple. Name one. Oh, you guys are in
New York City. I keep forgetting. Well, that's
not in LA. Oh, you're not in LA. You're basically
doing comedy in China. There's like 12 clubs
there. I don't know. It's a satellite club of
China. What? New York City? Yeah, it's what it
is. It's like communism is slowly making its
way into New York City, and then it'll work its
way west. New York's the best. That'd have been
New York's the best. It's a great place. I think
it's the best. It's pretty great. It's just people
going for it. It's what? It's the Chai Coms.
What's the Chai Coms? The Chai Coms. What does
that mean? Chinese communists. Oh, Chai Coms.
Chai Coms. I like what you're saying. Brooklyn's
tough. I did a show for Marion. I think Night
Train or one of the other ones Marion was. Oh,
yeah. And I got off stage. He goes, oh, I forgot
to tell you. They're going to hate you just looking
at you. They're going to hate you just looking
at you. Yeah, like you're not. Yeah, you look
like all their landlords. Yeah, exactly. Tall
white guy. Good juju. You're going to walk in
there and say, juju, motherfucker. I'm sorry.
It's been a rough year. Just give me five days.
Yeah, that's Brooklyn. Isn't that weird to hate
somebody based on how they look? Isn't that what
we're trying to go against? You're a bigot. You're
a bigot for that now? It's so confusing. It's
still fun. Hating men is not bigotry. Let that
simmer. Can I get another light here? I want
out. I can't smoke too much. I get anxiety. Yeah,
I keep inhaling it. Oh, boy. I've been smoking
so many cigars since I moved to Texas. This company,
Foundation Cigars, shout out to them. They're
the ones who made the JRE cigar blend. They've
been sending me boxes of cigars. So I'm like,
smoking a lot of cigars. I asked you months ago.
I'm joking. I'll fill in the ones that are missing,
the ones we smoked. I have four in that. I'll
give you those. You have a full box. But I have
an extra box. I'll have them send you boxes.
I told Bobby, I was like, I want to try one.
He said he sent me one. And then a month later,
he's like, where is it? I'm like, dude, he's
got stuff going on. I'm so busy. I forget. My
wife tells me shit. I forget it five minutes
later. I go, when did you tell me that? It was
like five minutes ago. I think that's pretty
normal. Yeah. I have a filter. It's amazing.
Because I remember shit from the 20s. I remember
shit from the old days. I remember facts and
statistics that I should not have in my head
at all because they don't do me any good. But
yet, things that people tell me. How many times
has someone told you their name and it's just
gone in a second? Gone. What is that? How come
that happens? I guess they're not memorable.
It's not that. Because sometimes you want to
know their name. They're really nice. You just
don't set it in. Yeah. Dude, I have, like, cousins.
You just call them dude? Here's the best thing
to do when somebody, like, realizes, like, oh,
I've known this guy for a while. I haven't known
his name. So I'll ask you, like, hey, what's
that guy's name? Just to know for sure. It's,
like, it's been too long. Hit him with the other
intro. Hit him with a different name. What? Just
who is that? It's, like, that's Sam. Oh, when
you fuck with him? Sweet, thank you. And then
that guy will, out of his way, go, hey, Sam,
I see you again, Sammy. He'll just keep doing
it. It pays off. You're not there all the time.
It's one of the best pranks. You know what a
good move is when you don't know someone's name?
You bring someone with you. That's big. That's
a good one. And they say, hey, you don't introduce
them. Oh, I didn't mention that. Yeah, you make
it awkward. It's easy. Yeah, and you hope the
person says their name. They'll say it back.
And if they don't, you just gotta run away. I
think there's a Curb episode about that. Oh,
really? Yeah. I'm a fucking hack. I know, Larry
David sucks. That is a nice one, though. Have
you ever seen him do stand -up? No, but I met
him once, and he was everything I hoped he would
be. Yeah? Yeah, and he... I don't know if I should
say it, but he went home with a pretty hot lady
at this party. Nice. He just sank his whole fucking
life. Well, I mean, he's a heterosexual single
man. Is he? Oh, yeah. He's not married? He got
divorced. When? About a year and a half ago?
Two years ago? Do you think he's slinging dick?
Does Larry David sling dick? What are you kidding?
He's lucid. Skinny, lanky. 68? See this guy's
dong? Giant hog. I've seen his hog about 100
times. Yeah, bro. It's a dong. Solid ball sack,
too. How many times have I seen your dick? Seriously.
Uncountable. It's amazing. It's Will Chamberlain
numbers. He's got a big dick. I mean, mine's
decent. He's got a very big dick. That's how
he handled the antibody lines. Yeah. He's going
to handle this. I'm honest. I've talked to people
who've blown him. Oh, nice. Congratulations.
Greg Fitzsimmons. Wah, wah, wah. Greg is in San
Francisco this weekend, ladies. Go and see him.
Also a big piece on that Irish. Fitzy? It's a
funny guy. Oh, man. He's another guy. Very underrated.
Yes. He's a fucking very underrated comic. Always
brings it. Real pro. Solid, solid comic. Funny
fucking dude. Sorry. Yeah. That's somebody's
dad. Yeah. My dad wore a bad suit and had a briefcase.
He has jokes about that, too. Like, his kids
give him shit. He's like, you don't fucking know
me. He also is good with, like, roasty stuff.
Oh, yeah. And so, like, if his daughter's like,
you don't know anything. He's like, oh, is it
on? Oh, it's on. It's just like, I would not
start with that guy. Greg and I started one week
apart from each other. Wow. We did the road together
as open micers. We would drive all the way to
Rhode Island to do like fucking 10 minutes on
an open mic for free. I love those days. Those
were good times. Yeah, we did so many gigs together.
My God. Like in the late 80s. Wow. We traveled
everywhere together. You didn't realize how fun
that was at the time. At the time, you're like,
this sucks. We're bombing every night. We're
getting no money. I got a day job. We kind of
enjoyed that we were getting on stage. Yeah.
Yeah, it was that. But we didn't think we were
21. We didn't think that it was ever going to
be a career. Right. I remember I went to this
guy, DJ Hazard's apartment. I know DJ Hazard.
You know DJ Hazard? Yeah, funny guy. Funny guy.
DJ Hazard. had a loft in Massachusetts, somewhere
outside of Boston. And it was like they took
an old school building and they converted it
into apartments. And I went to his apartment.
It was like exposed wood. And he had like this
fucking cool apartment. I remember thinking,
my God, imagine he pays for this with jokes.
Wow, yeah. I remember thinking that because I
was doing like three different jobs. I was driving
limos and working construction. It didn't seem
possible, right? It didn't seem possible. This
guy's a professional comedian. That's all he
does. And he headlines everywhere you go. You
see the little newspaper clippings. It's DJ Hazard.
Headliner, DJ Hazard. And his face with his eyebrow
raised up, looking hilarious. There he is. There's
DJ. Eyebrow raised. There's the eyebrow raised.
That was back when comics were beefy and scary.
Well, they were in Boston. He's a big fucking
guy. They were all these big fucking guys. Look
at the size of his neck. Terrifying. He looks
like the thing. He's like a bad guy from Dune.
But sweetheart of a guy. Very, very nice guy.
And very funny. Very funny. There were so many
of those guys. Dana White cheddar. All the guys
in Boston. Like, Dane Cook had a really good
point about that. They were all, like, men. Yes.
They were all, like, 6 '2", burly, 230 -pound
fucking gorillas. Coke. They were all doing Coke.
Yeah. Get paid in Coke. You ever get paid in
Coke? No, they offered it to me. You ever get
offered? Yeah, they offered it to me. Yeah, they
said, you want to get paid in cash or Coke or
both? And I was like, holy shit, give me the
cash. Dang, that'd be a fun night. You've got
to take the Coke. Exactly. This is probably the
time to do it. You've never done cocaine? I've
never done it either. You should try it. Get
some pure stuff. That's why we're on this side.
You've never done blow? I'm not against it, but
I never did it. How about when we did Molly?
That was fun. Oh, that was a bad night. When
was that? Did you fuck him? When was that? Yeah,
Helium was letting me do shows over COVID. And
so that was the way we'd be able to party with
all our friends. So we would do shows at Helium,
and then once everybody left, we'd clear it out.
Philly Helium? Yeah, Philly Helium. That's the
best one. They don't know we were doing this.
Oh, shit. I told them. You know, they're opening
up out here. They're opening up in the domain.
They're reusing the Cap City name. What? Yeah,
he bought the Cap City name, and he's opening
up a new Cap City in the domain. Is that going
to fuck with your room? No, it's fine. I'll go
there. I'll perform there. Joe said he wants
to. Do you mind? Yeah. Joe said he wants to go
to every club in the city to let everybody know,
like, hey, there's none of this, perform there
or here show. That's nonsense. That's nonsense.
I'll perform there, you can perform here. Yeah,
I'll do all the clubs. I want it to be a fun
place. All right. I don't give a fuck. You say
that now, but then your numbers start going down.
Not my bank account, bitch. Yeah, I bet you he's
going to be all right with the... Joe got a deal
for over $100 ,000. Wow. It's not American money.
Shut the fuck up. You're Illuminati now. Yeah,
dude. You're Illuminati. I'm not, though. That's
the problem. Do you have one of those masks you
hold with a stick? Those are plague masks. I
have a plague mask. But the fact that you were
talked about in the debates, that's insane. What?
What? Like the presidential debates. Like, we
should get Joe Rogan. Trump wanted me to host
a debate with him and Biden in the podcast. Damn,
that would have been good. That's insane. That
would have been so fun. What t -shirt would you
have worn? Probably like ACDC. Cypress Hill.
Yeah, Cypress Hill. You got to do on it, folks.
That's a tough one. When you look at your cards,
you're like, what's right for this? Right, what
is right for this? I probably would have worn
one of my buddy's t -shirts. There you go. Something
from someone, like maybe yours. I've worn yours
a bunch. I love that one, the one that you have
to look at with the glasses. Oh, the 3D one.
I fucking lost that one. Do you have other ones
of those? God. God damn it. Something happened
in the move, and I can't find that fucking shirt.
That was one of my favorite ones. They came with
3D glasses. That was a fun one. That was a good
one. Try to have cool merch. If you put the glasses
on, the shirt would perform for you. It would
wiggle. Oh, all right. Yeah, it was dope. We've
got a great shirt for tomorrow, for the secret
show tomorrow. Oh, yeah? Do we? Yeah. Who's the
secret guest? It's you, Mark! Oh, that's terrible.
Mark, you're the secret guest. What kind of guest
is that? What kind of guest is that? Secret show.
So what's the shirt? I shouldn't even ruin it,
but I'll just say it's just really cutesy. I'll
show you a picture of it. It's Louis has sex
with young boys. Did he say that? I don't want
any boys. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong
with you? He's got a son. Give me a medium. It's
so cutesy, too. Oh, my God, dude. We're donating
$1 from every ticket to NAMBLA on behalf of Luis
Gomez. To NAMBLA from Luis Gomez. Is NAMBLA still
alive? Live and kicking. Is that a thing? Who's
NAMBLA? The North American Man -Boy Love Association.
Oh, nice. That's a real thing. I got to pay my
dues on that. Is that still real? Yeah. Well,
it was a real thing. I think it's still there.
NAMBLA? Mm -hmm. What a fucking terrifying organization.
They loved it so much that they actually formed
a group. They were like, yeah, there's just a
lot of us out there. We just got to get together
and strengthen numbers. I've never heard of that
one. Namely, you've never heard of it? No. There's
a whole South Park episode dedicated to it. We
love young boys. What do you want us to do? Not
love them? What about NAACP? Is that still kicking?
You know what's weird about that is you're not
supposed to say colored people. Colored people's
weird. Isn't that strange? But you say people
of color. Exactly. But it's in the thing. Colored
people. That's what it is. NAACP. You can't really
attack it. Yeah. You can't attack it? You can't
attack it. No. Do you want to? Good luck. Can
we back up when you do it? You're going to go
ahead and try to attack the NAACP? I think they're
backwards. I think they need to come with the
times. It's like this shit's not a... You're
right. It's not acceptable anymore. It's not
cool to say colored people? Mm -mm. It is weird
to say people of color, but colored people's
bad. It's silly. It just shows you how many goofy
fucking things there are. Like, how about this?
Englishmen, fine. Chinamen, you're a terrible
person. Yeah. Right. Telling me. How about this?
Ah! Put that down. Do not. He's going to be so
mad. He's going to be mad. At least make it young
girls so he's not gay. At least it doesn't look
anything like him. That looks exactly like Lewis.
That might look like him after the Jason Ellis
fight. Did Jason fight? I don't know. Jason Ellis.
What are you kidding? Listen to me. I don't know.
Back when he was younger. Back when he was in
his 20s and 30s a long time ago. Jason Ellis
can fight. Like, legitimately 100 % fight. Like,
actually fight. Like, he's very skillful. He's
got very strong punches. He's very good at placing
them on your face. Well, then he's going to win.
No, no, no. Is that Lewis? No, no, no. He's fighting
Shane Carwin, who's 260 fucking pounds. You're
leaving out the detail. And a former UFC heavyweight
champion. Is that him who got knocked out? No,
that's him knocking a guy out. What is that from?
Is that pink? That's him fighting Uriah. My favorite
in a boxing match. I wouldn't fight Pink. Wrestling
is serious, Jason. Jason Ellis can fight. Oh,
that's him fighting Mayhem. That's hilarious.
Mayhem's just letting him punch him. Yeah, but.
Oh, yeah, this is a problem. I didn't know he
was doing this. This is all a long time ago.
Look at the graininess. The graininess of the
footage. This is so long ago. That's Kit Cope.
Kit's got tattoos everywhere now. You don't lose
it, though. He's training with Babalusa Brawl,
who's a legend. I would beat the shit out of
Babalusa Brawl. What? What? I pray to Christ
I see Babaloo on the street. Don't even say that,
man. He's a big fella. Dr. Drew in his corner.
Dr. Drew? Dr. Drew in his corner. I'm telling
you. What's he going to do, therapy him? He's
right there. He's boxing with Eddie, his boxing
trainer. So he's probably taking it easy on him.
But just let me tell you something. Jason Ellis
can really fight. I've got a lot of money on
Ellis. He can really fight. Is that bomb squad?
I think it's the Hollywood boxing gym. Those
are children. That was the Hollywood boxing gym.
That place on, is it on La Brea? The upstairs
place? You know that place on La Brea? It's a
24 -hour gym. It seems like it might be some
sort of a. Anyway. The original bomb squad was
great. So that's him with Shane Cartwood. Look
at the size differential. He had Shane tape his
arm down. Shane's knocking him out with one arm
behind his back. Shane is a fucking monster.
Shane knocked out everybody. He knocked out Frank
Mir. Shane is one of the scariest. You can't
use that as a moment that Jason Ellis is good
getting knocked out. Listen. What is Lewis thinking?
Lewis is going to beat him. He's old, and Lewis
has been training. Lewis is old. Lewis has been
training. Let's put some money on this. What?
I already got a lot on Ellis. How much money?
You want to bet. How much do you want to bet?
Okay. Keep in mind, money's different for both
of us. I'm going to bet an amount that makes
me feel like, oh, that's something. Okay. $1
,000. Okay. Hey, that's substantial. $1 ,000.
$1 ,000. Okay. Do we have to shake on it, or
we're just friends? We're friends. We're friends.
Come on, man. Actually, I don't trust you. Okay.
Witness. So when's the fight? And by the way,
this is not a knock on Lewis. I tried to talk
him out of it. Don't listen to Lewis. He's getting
your head because he's been friends with Jason
for longer than you, Lewis. I love both of them.
But listen, head trauma is real. It's a real
thing. Keep it for the rest of your life. Well,
we're pads, right? Doesn't Ellis have some head
trauma? Oh, yeah, he's got a lot of it. Ellis
told me that he's been knocked unconscious. Something
like, he fought in the King of the Cage. He had
a professional MMA fight in the King of the Cage.
But he told me he's been knocked unconscious.
At the time, I believe he said like eight times.
He's gone serious concussions, dude. That's why
he's bisexual now. He doesn't remember he's straight.
I think that... He's bisexual? My mind's on those,
dude. Maybe he's just greedy. Although that could
be more of a superhero type. That's a powerful
thing to be also. I'll never forget my friend
Jimmy told me this. My friend Jimmy Lawless,
he goes, I think we were like 18. He goes, are
they just greedy? Like bisexual? He's like, are
they greedy? It was like the funniest thing because
we were like teenage muttons. There is. Well,
clear is 5 '11", 185 pounds. I'm telling you,
man, he came fucking cracked. 50 years old. Mike
Tyson's 55. You want to fight him? He was born
before Led Zeppelin got together. And he's Australian,
though. Those people are animals. They are animals.
Disgusting people. Zeppelin was around in 71,
you son of a bitch. Don't fucking deal up for
the facts. I don't know. How dare you? How did
they get together? 60s? I don't know. That's
a good question. So when's the fight? I think
it's soon. I think it's November, right? Isn't
it November? I don't know. Lewis better not be
drinking at Skank Fest. He's going to ruin his
whole train. He will be. He's going to be drinking.
If Lewis dies on fentanyl on Skank Fest, the
bet is off. That's fair. Ooh, fentanyl. Fentanyl's
fucking terrifying. I did it on accident. Knocked
me out for like two days. Wait, you did? I was
lucky to be alive. What happened? I was having
trouble sleeping for a while, so I asked a guy
for some Xanax, and it was laced with fentanyl.
It's called a Green Hulk. Pull it up, J -Mo.
Oh, it was fake Xanax? Yeah, and I took the whole
thing. Wait, wait, wait. What happened? I asked
a guy for some Xanax on the road, and I couldn't
sleep. I was doing so many gigs and drinking
and all that stuff, and he gave me a bunch. It
fucked me up. Do you know that's how Tom Petty
died? Really? Tom Petty was in pain and he got
off of a show and he got, I believe, from a roadie.
He asked a roadie if he had, I think he wanted
like an oxy. And the guy gave him an oxy. The
guy went to the parking lot. There it was. That
was it. That three one. Look how it looks like
the Hulk. Look at those pills that look like
the Hulk. This is also what killed Colin Powell.
Oh, no. No, that was cancer. Ah, shit. Wasn't
fentanyl? Joey, you got to test that shit now.
I think he had cancer and COVID, right? Yeah,
but it's cancer. Yeah, he had like a rare blood
cancer. Not good. But meanwhile, he's in his
80s. Meanwhile, the headlines, COVID took Colin
Powell. Damn, poor guy. Died too young. Everybody's
testing now. It's fucking annoying. All the drugs,
all the good drugs are like, you gotta be worried
about it now. Yeah. It's very annoying. Well,
what they really should do is make them fucking
legal so that everything can be tested. Stanhope
wrote that immediately after Kate Quigley and
those... Oh, yeah. Yeah, those three guys died
and she lived and, you know, Stanhope was right.
He's definitely right. I mean, people are in
denial about this. Yes. It props up the cartels.
It props up organized crime. You don't know what
the fuck you're getting. CBS says it's one cartel
trying to ruin the supply of another cartel.
I'm sure. But meanwhile, they're just like, who
cares? Some Americans will die. It doesn't matter.
But it's like, if you have a CVS, remember when
CVS had a, there was some like nut brand, mixed
nut brand, and they recalled it all? Because
they're like, hey, it might have E. coli. Give
it back. We're not selling this anymore. You
would do that at CVS. If anything got infected,
you'd be like. It's done. We're not selling it.
They should have legit centers where you can
test these things, and they should have legit
places where you could buy actual cocaine. Not
cocaine mixed with a bunch of shit because the
dealers are trying to cut it. And we should,
you know, think about how many people have died.
If someone just had the smarts to sell tests
that were like mobile portable tests, whatever
the fuck you're going to take, put it in there,
find out what the fuck is in it real quick. Most
people probably still would just take it. Yeah.
Especially if you're drunk or high and you're
just like, but that's what's wrong. So I was
at a festival, Valley Vibe, Bonnaroo got canceled.
We found another one, Valley Vibe, just some
small festival. And this group next to us bought
some blow. And they were like, hey, we want to
test it first, which I assume just meant like,
let's see if it's good before I buy a bunch.
But they went into their trailer and did a bunch.
It's like, that's 100 % great cocaine. Oh, nice.
The next day, they bought some acid. They're
like, hey, that is 100 % mescaline, not acid
at all. That's a 24 -hour trip instead of a fucking
10 -hour trip. Be careful. Another time they
tried molly, and then it was like, that's synthetic
molly, Embro. You got to test everything now.
It's just like, even if it's not fentanyl, it's
anything else. It's fucking scary, man. It's
scary. It's annoying. Well, it kills people.
That's what's scary. Have you ever seen the amount
of fentanyl that it takes to kill you? It's the
tiniest amount. Really? It's so small. Yeah,
Jamie, pull it up. It's literally like one. 15th
of a penny. What? If your helium shows were happening
now and everyone's like, we got Molly, everyone
would be like, I can't. We can't have this good
time. What are you talking about? If they were
happening now with fentanyl around, it'd be like...
Fentanyl was around? This was like a week ago.
We're not snorting, Molly. I'll probably take
Molly this weekend. You gotta start testing it.
I have some. I'm not gonna take it. Oregon sucks.
Right, look at that. That's the amount of fentanyl.
Okay, I'm wrong. It's like 1 ,000. Lincoln. In
my defense, I will be surrounded by losers. They'll
take it first. They'll take hours before they
die. Not on fentanyl. I think Lewis and Rebecca
are getting a tester room. Really? A whole room?
Good for them. I think fentanyl will get you.
It's not the Lewis I know. Quickly. It's fucking
terrifying. Quickly. It's terrifying because
quickly, don't say it. That was a good one. That
was a good one. Thanks. That was a good one.
Felt pretty good. Say that five times and she'll
show up in a bikini. A bit of a pun master. Shane
loves puns. People don't give him credit for
the puns. Puns are underrated. It's just a terrible
Trump impression, but it's the puns is where
it's at. Bro, that fucking speed dating with
Trump was one of the best sketches online. So
good. That's a funny sketch. I think it's worth
it a million. Those videos that you guys put
out are fucking genius. They are so underrated.
They're real sketches. They're almost as good
as SNL. I don't even compare it to that. It's
just great. They're just funny. It's Gillian
Keeves. So I think you should leave. Those are
the two great sketches. These are amazing sketches.
But the thing is, you don't have a fucking editor
or a producer saying, ah, you're going too far.
That's the key. It's like artists and executives,
they don't have the same reason for existing.
The executives are just trying to have a thing
successful so they can make money and they can
continue upwardly and eventually produce movies.
That's what they all want to do. What we want
to do is make people laugh. And sometimes you've
got to go for it. And they don't want to go for
it. And when you go for it, they get mad at you.
You just do it your own way. It's like, hey,
this wouldn't work on NBC. It's like, fine, they
don't. One thing that's hard for us is John has
a real life. He has a family, a Kiever, who's
writing and directing and editing. And we can't
find anyone to buy it. You know what I mean?
So if you do your own thing, you've got to have
your own money. Are you making money on it? No.
Put it out for free. But the YouTube and Venmo
donations. It does bump up your profile, though.
Definitely people love you. It helps me. It helps
your stand -up. It helps me, but not McKeever.
Interesting. That sucks. Let's get him a GoFundMe
or some shit. Yeah, if we raised some money so
John could quit his real job to write more shit,
we would do it every day. Because that guy's
brilliant. Maybe what's going to happen is things
are going to go. Jay's going to have to produce
a special. Really? Interesting. He did mine.
He did my special. I make money on YouTube. For
my special. I fucked up. I didn't monetize my
YouTube. What? What? I didn't want to. I don't
know. Well, you should do it now. Do it. Really?
Or it's too late. Because he makes $800 a minute
on fucking Patreon. Patreon. Matt and Shane's
Secret Podcast. Patreon. Well, that's good. You
got a source. But, you know, Dunnigan and Kurt
Metzger are having the same issue. Oh, those
guys are brilliant. Fucking genius. Brilliant.
I went over to their house. Those Biden things.
Oh, my God. Those are great. Oh, my God. They're
so funny. Incredible. Who's the Jew guy? You?
No, the thinker. Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro. They
do a great Ben Shapiro. God damn. Kyle Dunnigan
is one of the best impressionists alive. Unbelievable.
His Bill Maher is fucking incredible. I went
over to their house like two weeks ago. First
off, you go into Kyle Dunnigan's house, it's
terrifying. Why? It's a shell of a house. It's
a genius's house. Right. And it's just him and
Metzger, who is also out of his fucking mind.
And Metzger will come up with an idea. He'll
say something, and then Dunnegan will just do
the impression on the spot. Metzger's a joke
machine. He is. He's a joke machine. Metzger's
like, yeah. His text messages to me. You ever
get caught in a Metzger text? Yeah. He'll say
one thing to you. Have you ever seen this? You
respond once and then 40 texts come in. He's
laying you out a whole movie. He's manic. He's
amazing. I'm such a giant fan of that dude. He's
so funny. He's just, again, another super underrated
guy. Underappreciated guy. White Precious was
a great special. White Precious was the last
great Comedy Central special. What was it called?
White Precious. Is that Metzger's? It's the best.
It's a whole bit about it. That is an amazing
name. He said it's the best insult. Best insult
to call somebody because they can't even. That's
funny. Another huge dong. He's a giant guy. Of
course he's got a huge dong. Huge Jehovah's Witness
dick. Really? You got a little dick? Let me stop
you right there, Joe. Wow. You're doing all right.
I have a decent penis. I mean, I've seen it next
to mine. Well, you're a big fucking guy. That's
why you have a regular dick for your socks. For
regular people. If you put it on Jamie Kilstein,
it'd be massive. Joe's got midget dick. Hey.
He's got this short but thick stubby. So rude.
It's not that short. It's pretty regular. It's
not like that. It's a little longer than that.
It's not as thick. You're lying. You're just
lying to people. What do you mean? Who's got
the ruler? Where's the ruler? Hey. Do you even
have a podcast studio? I'll take that dick. Without
a dick ruler? That's a great dick. I'll take
that dick right now. What is that? That's a five.
That's at least five. That's like one of those
little coke cans. You're never going to get a
blow job ever, except for someone that's terrifying.
How even could you? A terrifying one. Why, you
couldn't even get around it. Yeah, you need a
big mouth. You can't. But some of them people
with a giant, like, Hilary Smank smile. Hilary
Smank. She's got a giant smile. Hilary Smank
is one of those actors. She did a trans movie
back when that was a thing. When you were allowed
to. Yes. She can't do it now. Boys don't come.
There you go. Yeah, she's a good actress. She's
a very good actress. And weirdly hot where you're
like, am I into her? Am I not into her? It's
Hilary Smank. Pull her up. Like Sigourney Weaver's
hotter sister. at least she was a lady everybody's
going weird it was kind of hot i never got it
he seemed like a weird guy and so usually a guy
that that's that's like Probably his dick. Not
a curved dick. The guy like that has one of those
real... Biggest dick I've ever seen in my life
was a mathematician from Harvard, or no, from
MIT that used to do Taekwondo with me. His name
was John Ball. If you're still alive, John, my
apologies. This is only a compliment. He was
a very nice guy. He did Taekwondo and he was
like oddly uncoordinated. But he had a dick that
people would go, like he would change in the
locker room. People would go just. Really? What
the fuck? Yeah. Like a baby's arm with an apple
in his fist. Like the old Lenny Bruce line. It
was gigantic. White guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. White
guy with like wacky hair. He was a mathematician,
a genius. Wow. Like a brilliant, brilliant guy.
Did he use it? I don't know. I mean, I had a
wife that looked like she was protecting a gold
mine. She would come in and be like, where is
he? Show up and want to make sure that no one
else saw it. No women saw it. It was giant. I
mean, it was like 12 inches soft. What? I'm telling
you, it was fucking fat. Fat and he was like
you would never imagine if you saw the guy in
real life. He was like a thin wiry guy Those
are the guys who have the biggest dongs. Thin,
skinny, tall, lanky. Like a baseball bat. It
was giant. The dick size is unaffected by your
weight gain. It's just your height. Yeah. So
it really shines. What? Unfortunately, dude.
Because tits get bigger with fat. Sometimes they
don't do it. There's a lot of women that have
tits. That's the real problem. Men tits when
they get fat. Damn shame. Yeah. That sucks. The
weirdest thing is when a guy gains a shit ton
of weight and then he has to lose it all and
then they cut the skin off. Have you ever seen
that? Yeah. When they have all that extra skin
and then they have a big line down the side of
their bodies where they literally slice you and
tighten you back up again and then you have to
walk around like this for like three months.
Yeah. That's what you get. Just be that fat and
ride it out. You think so? Yeah, just be that
fat and die. Just go lean into it. Go to the
beach. Move to Austin. Lay there. Wow. Go to
some barbecue place. Weighted out. Because some
guys lose weight and they look shitty. Like Al
Roker. You're like, you were better fat. Better
fat. Some guys are better fat. I wonder what
I'd look like. Shane? You're not that fat, Shane.
I'm not like John. Thank you, Joe. You're the
health guy. Don't fucking put this on. I'm the
health guy, so I can't tell the truth? Yeah,
you know it's not the truth. You know it's not
the truth. He's huge. No, he's not Ralphie May.
How old are you? What? How old are you? He's
80. 47. Yeah, right. That's the year you were
born. Good year. He always tries to get me with
the fat. All you got to do is bring up Ari's
age and he shuts the fuck up. Like a 20 -year
-old. I'm older than him. Yeah, true. I'm like
six years older than you. How old are you? I
don't know, 47. Yeah, but you're doing pretty
good. I'm doing fine. You're not defending parks.
I think the park should be defended. Fuck that
park. Fuck that park. And there's nothing you
can do. I for real fuck that park. Build that
deal. You can bike the whole bike path past there.
Who's biking, dude? Everybody. Who's biking,
dude? Who's biking? Get rid of them. Let a guy
make money. There's a guy right now. Somebody
who's trying to buy this fucking park. There
is. The last thing he needs is some dork coming
on a podcast. It's probably Trump. Protect the
park, man. I hope it's Trump. Can you imagine
if Trump turns out to help Trump? Hey, Trump,
why do you want this park so bad? Oh, you want
me to do Trump? Yeah. Trump oppression. Trump,
what's the problem with this park? Why do you
want it so bad, Donald? We've got a lot of Jews
down there. That's good. Thanks. How'd you know
that? How'd you know there were so many Jews
down there? Stop. No, keep going. Come on. What
are you going to do with the park? A lot of people
think that you're going to put a prison there.
Are you going to put a prison there? We might
put a prison there. I haven't thought about it.
I was thinking about a prison. That's a good
impression. Have you had girls try to fucking
do Trump in bed? Done against Trump? Done against
Trump when he has the Trump surprise face? When
Stormy Daniels is calling on the fucking FaceTime?
Say, Stormy! Whatever happened to her? She did
stand up for a hot minute. Well, once that dude
went to jail, that was it. I love how our dream
is everyone's fallback plan. I know. What a bummer.
Isn't that crazy? You hear that, Catan? It's
the only thing. Oh, sorry. That's the only thing
that you put. Who? Chris Catan. Was it? Was it?
A little bit if you've seen his act. It's a thing.
He's great? He's a very funny guy. He's great
in that movie with the dancing. Bingo. Let's
see stand -ups be stand -ups. Yes. But here's
the thing, though. If someone embraced stand
-up and then really got into it, you'd be cool
with that. Yeah. It's never that. It's like,
I'll do it 20 times and then just cash in on
my name. To really get into it, you've got to
bomb for a while. You got to work your way up.
Yeah, you got to bomb. And you got to bomb at
open mics. You got to come in when people don't
know you. The only guy that I've ever known that
got famous and then started doing stand -up was
Charlie. Charlie Murphy was literally headlining
after a year of doing comedy and going on the
road, and he fucking had the balls to follow
legit people, and he would bring them on the
road with him. Whatever happened to that guy?
He died. No! Him and Muhammad Ali. And Colin
Powell. What? Yes. All of them are down. Colin
Powell. You remember the guy responsible for
the war in Iraq? Yeah, that guy with the weapons
of mass destruction. Did he kill himself because
he pulled out of Afghanistan? Jamie, look that
up. I think he died before it happened, right?
No, I think after. I was like, that's it. My
work is done. There's more news stories about
Chappelle than the Taliban. There's more news
stories about Chappelle than pulling out of Afghanistan.
Yeah, I guess Israel and Palestine made up. They
do that. They do that a lot. When I got canceled,
it was Epstein. Oh, yeah. They use it. Well,
you're like, thank God for Epstein. They use
it. No, no. Epstein was like, thank God for me.
Let's push all the heat on this guy. Yeah. Want
to see a fucking hilarious meme? I'll send this
to you, Jamie. Memes are good. This is one of
my favorites. Memes? There's funny memes out
there. There are. Although sometimes they steal
our bits. They do occasionally, but most of the
time it's... Most memes are honest. Most comics
steal from memes. That's a lot of that, too.
Really? You see that? Every day. But how do you
know who did it first, though? The fucking meme.
All right. It's not like a verbatim joke, but
there's a theme. You can see someone be like...
You've read a lot of memes. They'll use a phrase
that's from a meme. Oh, I hate that. I hate that.
Like, you're not creative. You got that from
the internet. Yeah, I sent it to you, Jamie.
And the meme is always better. That's how I started.
The first time I did comedy, I was just stealing
memes. That's smart. I knew it. It's pretty punchy.
Look at that. It's perfect for SNL. Whoa, he
looks just like Andrew Jackson. That's pretty
good. Epstein and Andrew Jackson. What is going
on with that? Another guy just retired because
he got caught up in the Epstein photograph library.
They found out that he was hanging out. Meanwhile,
Bill Gates out there selling vaccines and soybeans.
See the picture of Bill Clinton and him just
chilling at a bar? Just hanging out, having a
good time. I only went on a flight with him 26
times. Trump was there, but he only went down
there and he hung out with the staff once he
found out what was going on. Did he? Yeah, that's
what I heard. Tell me what he said. Oh, yeah.
James Staley, Barclays CEO, steps down after
a Jeffrey Epstein inquiry. Look at that. That's
a face of a guy who had a good time. He got his
asshole licked. Oh, yeah. For sure. That's a
Squid Games guy. That was a guy. A real animal
house situation, dude. Duck boots on, legs in
the air. They're having fun. They're having fun.
Never done the... I had a girl try to lick my
asshole once. I had to tell her to stop. I had
it. It's really bad. I could never do it. There's
too much hair and dingles. You got to be prepared
for that. Yeah. You got to prep. You can't get
into it because you're like, you're having not
a good time. You shouldn't be there. Exactly.
Have you ever felt the hairs? Oh, yeah, like
a gooch to butthole the hairs are like this a
different breed of hair minor chaos Yeah, saying
look at me imagine what my asshole hair looks
like and you'd be correct You saw champs asshole,
and then you saw my asshole you like which ones
you your ass was blue It's fun to clean your
ass although, isn't it? You're still rubbing
it, but it's for health I shave it every few
months and it makes the fart sound I have a sponsor
in manscaping. I just let it clean. It keeps
your asshole cleaner. What do you do? Nose cleaner?
No. It's a ball hair trimmer. Manscaped. For
your asshole? If you had real sponsors, you would
know about manscaped .com. I only have drugs.
Do you get a mirror? It has a light on it. What?
Yeah, the Manscaped. How do you bend? But how
do you get in there? It's called a lawnmower.
They have a 4 .0. Get up on the table and show
us. Well, I'm very flexible. What pose do you
take? Prove it. I spread my legs apart and I
go head between the legs. And you lift your nutsack
out of the way? Yeah, I can suck my own dick
if I wanted to. No, you cannot. No, you cannot.
You can't. No, you cannot. Bullshit. No, I've
never done it. I just put it around my face just
to know I could do it. No, you can't. Show us
through the jeans. What do you want me to show
you? Through the jeans so you can touch your
jeans with your head. I can put my head flat.
I can flatten my body out. Not that far. You
know I can. Do you remember that time when Burt
said, can you do a split? And I just dropped
down to the split. Anybody can do a split. That's
a normal thing. If you can bend your head and
go fully flat, where do you think your face is?
First of all, you don't have a neck. So how can
you get over that far? Just show us your dick.
I have a neck under all this other shit. Wait,
you can suck your own dick? What are you doing
here? I'm pretty sure. What's the money? I know,
all that money? Who needs it? What's the point
of all this? What's the point of all of it? Because
you still have a dick in your mouth. You can't
enjoy it. Just use that cash for a sound barrier.
You'd have to be bipolar. You'd have to be like,
I'm the guy who's getting his dick sucked. Not
the guy who's sucking the dick. That's a guy
in another dimension. CNN, attacking for the
dick sucking. Everybody over there sucks dick.
He's the real dewormer. He's like, shut up. I'm
deworming. Horse cock. That's hilarious. Wait,
so you've gotten the dong close to the face just
to be like, I could do it? You could touch it
on the side of your... It wasn't hard, but I
was imagining. If it was hard, this is going
in there. Whoa. That's hot. Could you lick the
balls? No. That's impressive. You could play
with the balls. I have seen a lady in a video
eat her own pussy, and I was like, good lord.
Wow. That's not there. You didn't get a mile
to go. Oh, that's me. But you're not doing it.
That's a picture of you not doing it. But I'm
just stretching there. How is that out there?
I didn't even know. I only have that. Oh, you
have that? I was like, I didn't even know I did
that. This conversation came up 4 -20 -2019 backstage.
Oh, that's right. Well, see, there you go. I
saw a donkey show in Mexico. Did you? Wow. Ruined
my life. Worst thing I've ever seen. And I've
seen Fluffy's act. But this thing was, I mean,
this was bananas. So I was in Mexico in college.
We used to drive down. I'm from New Orleans.
You drive to Mexico for a weekend, go nuts with
a bunch of guys. And one guy, we're out there,
you know, drinking. And one guy goes, you want
to see donkey show? And we're like, yeah. And
he took us for a 20 -minute walk. We went to
a warehouse. There's a bunch of guys in a circle.
Bunch of hay. They're all holding money. And
we saw a donkey come out. And the lady comes
out. They flip the donkey over. They blow the
donkey. And then she sat on it. No. It was horrific.
You saw it? I had to watch. How much? Turned
away. It was like 10 bucks. Did you actually
hate it? I hated it. The donkey's missing fur.
The lady was kind of hot. The donkey was malnourished.
Yes. He was getting human pussy and he was malnourished?
And she was pretty. Mexico, man. It's wild. When
you see how many really beautiful women do porn,
you're like, wow. I know, right? Isn't that crazy?
I think the way they really make money now is
OnlyFans. They came real close to cutting off
that OnlyFans. They did when all the money went
away. But then they went, stop. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop. We're going to keep it going. I think
the whole thing was an ad campaign. And it worked.
It's a good ad campaign. Everybody was like,
you can't stop. Everyone started talking about,
you can't stop the porn stars. And they're like,
that's right. We do have porn stars at OnlyFans.
We're not doing it. True. See, he thinks like
a Jew. That's right. And Chappelle teamed up
with the trans people. Nobody wants to say it,
but it's obvious. Everyone's talking about a
special way more than the last one. True. He's
trans. Clearly trans. Imagine if that was the
plot twist. I'm a bitch. What was that one movie?
Remember that movie? There was a famous movie.
At the end of the movie, the girl turned out
to be a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boys don't cry.
No, no, no. It was like Egypt and outer space.
No, something like it hot. No, no, no. No, you
guys are wrong. No, the twist was it's a girl
or it's a guy. It's a guy. Ace Ventura. That
was one of the most transphobic movies ever.
And it's Sean Young, who's hot as fuck. In the
end, everyone's throwing up. They're going crazy.
Wow. Remember? He's throwing his tongue. Tone
Loke. Yeah, because they had all made out with
her. That's right. What was the movie? Good question,
Aguado. No, no, no, no, no. I love this movie.
It's like Egypt, and it was like an outer space
person running Egypt from the old Egyptian days.
You sure that's not it? No, no, no, I'm sure
it's not it. It was a famous movie. And at the
end of the movie, it was revealed that it was
actually... There's someone out there yelling
it out. I know. Oh, The Crying Game. The Crying
Game. The Crying Game. The title's offensive.
Thank you. Jamie's favorite movie. No, it's the
second favorite movie. What about Soul Man? Soul
Man was a good one. You can't do that. Joana
Man? You can't do that. Joana Man's great. Actually,
Joana Man's pretty relevant. It was a failure.
Tropic Thunder was the last one. That was a great
comedy. It's a great fucking movie. There's a
movie you could never make. It's fucking brilliant.
It is a funny movie. When Tom Cruise plays the
agent guy. That was when McConaughey made a switch
for me. What do you mean? McConaughey in Tropic
Thunder is when he switched from like rom -com
douche guy to like the fucking man. He's a great
guy. Every now and then I'll get a fucking FaceTime
from Matthew McConaughey. And I just look at
my phone and I go, wow. All right. Damn. Walking
around my house. Interstellar ruled. McConaughey
is great. He's a great guy. He's like a human
to human. He's very normal. Very friendly guy.
But too famous. Almost like too famous. Too famous.
Too famous actor. And now he's talking about
like running for governor and shit. There he
is. I hope he does. There's Tom Cruise. The fucking
crazy hairy fucking wrists and everything. That
was an amazing character. He's got to be doing
Harvey there. It's got to be like a Harvey spin.
The forearms? Maybe. I read that that was his
choice. Tom Cruise was the one in that movie
that was like, give me those jacked forearms.
Jacked forearms. It was an action and like a
real actor. And he goes, let me try comedy. And
then just crushed it. Murdered. He can. do anything.
He's good. That guy can do anything. That's what
Scientology gives you. He does his own fucking
stunts and he's like 80 years old. He flew. He
dove from outer space. He fucking parachuted
from outer space. What? Yeah. Is that part of
Scientology? Well, the thing is, it's like if
you really believe something. Let's do it. Imagine
we all joined. We came together. So listen, we
just want to be protected against scandal. I
got an idea. I got an idea. Instead of us coming
out, we've all thought about coming out as trans.
He's probably got a fat movie going on. Oh yeah,
they're saying he looks like Norm Macdonald now.
Imagine if he's playing Norm in a movie. What
if he is Norm? It does look like a fat suit.
Look at Norm. If there was, if he was, he looks
very thick. He must be doing something. Norm?
He says, stop putting crap into your face. He's
not putting crap in his face. That's food. No,
that looks like chemicals. That's booze, dude.
You think he's getting hammered? That's food
and booze. Why not? He doesn't drink. I don't
think he drinks. What was that one mission I
had? I think he's probably. It seemed like he
couldn't do it. He's getting fat for a movie.
He's probably getting fat for a movie, not telling
anybody. But it looks fake fat. It looks like
Eddie Murphy. It does. It looks like a fat shooter.
It says he's defended his appearance. Scroll
back up. No. Where is it? Look how hot he is
there. He defended the star's appearance, blaming
his new look on age. No. Because look down there.
That's what he really normally looks like. He's
very fit. Full head of hair. Dude, he's fucking.
You know that moment where you step on the scale
and it's like, all right, I lose 10 pounds. That's
what he's at right there. I get this. I get this.
That's after a week of drinking. And then that's
three days of not drinking. It was a playoff
run. He's definitely thick. He's probably doing
a movie, man. It looks like fake cheek fat. Look
at that. I think he's getting fat for a movie.
It's crazy because he's still so much thinner
than Shane and Joe. And Joe? Thanks for including
Joe on that. He always likes to say that I'm
obese. Because you're obese. Medically. Because
I'm short and my BMI makes me obese. It's skyrocketed.
So sad. How much do you weigh, Joe? More than
me? 200. I'm 175 inches taller than you. He's
still way more than me. Yeah, but I could kill
you with my hands. That helps. I guess that's
kind of the only metric that matters. That helps.
That really is. There's a reason for all this
muscle. It's to make up for my insecurities.
We got that. He admitted it. Finally. I like
to be able to kill people. One on one. The shit
goes down. It is nice to have. Oh, it's the best.
That's why I hate dudes doing jujitsu. I used
to just be bigger than everyone. I used to lay
on them. You never know now. Now everybody's
doing karate and bullshit. Now you lay on them
and they get you with their dick in your mouth
while they're triangling you. Do you remember
Nashville? Nashville? We were there once and
some guy, I forget his name, he's big into Ibogaine,
and he was like, he got into a fight and he had
to choke somebody out. It was like some bigger
guy. So we were on the road together a long time
ago, and he had to choke somebody. He choked
him out, and then went to the bouncer. He was
like, hey, I had to put him to sleep. I'm leaving
right now. Because he was pushing his girlfriend.
I do remember that. Who was that? The Jits guy,
for sure. Oh, I can't say his name. Yeah. Yeah,
he's a buddy of mine. Yeah, I won't say his name,
but yeah. But he's smaller. He was a smaller
guy. He was like 165 pounds, and some guy was
an asshole. And I'm like, this guy's fucking
up. He's making a big mistake here. Damn. And
then next thing you know, he fucking just strangles
that guy. But so calmly, went to the bounce.
So I'm leaving, obviously, but I just put a guy
to sleep there. And the guy was like, whoa. Yeah,
that's right. I can learn that with one class,
and I won't do it. One class? That's how smart
you are? Well, imagine. How long does that take
to learn? Years. Oh, okay. Well, then fuck that.
To be competent. But it only takes like six months
to be able to handle yourself against most humans.
Yeah, in six months. Six months. Yeah, you can
be competent enough to handle yourself against
most people. I remember Joe List was taking classes
for, I think it was about three or four months
in. Yeah. And he came to the stand and was like,
I've been doing this. I can beat you up. I was
like, Joe, I'll fucking kill you. Now I think
he can do it. He's been doing it for a long time.
There's a lot of physics involved. You're a big
guy. The big size, it has an impact. It makes
a big deal. It takes a while to choke out a big
guy. I could take Brad Williams. That would be
fun. Hold his head, his hands are swinging. What
if he headbutts you? Oh, that I'm done. That
noggin will really kill a man. Fucking just kill
a man. You ever killed anybody? No, not yet.
I wonder what that feels like. Probably not good.
It's probably a horrible feeling. It feels horrible
to knock someone out. It's a terrible feeling.
Does it? Yeah, it doesn't feel good. Because
it feels like that could have been me, and you're
like, what am I doing? Right. It's a weird feeling.
Even on the mat, though? No, in the mat, you
choke them out, and that's not that bad. You
ever put to sleep? No, I've tapped every time.
I have. Yeah, I've been tapped. I've tapped like
a thousand times. If someone touches my throat,
I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop. In class once,
in the first bomb squad, it was like we were
doing arm triangles and just drills. So it was
like, no, it wasn't not tapping. He was like,
do I have it? I'm like, you don't have it, man.
I'm still talking to you like it's not there.
He goes, let me rearrange. And he was like, I
woke up with Eddie standing over me. Wow. I was
like, wait, what just happened? It happens all
the time in class, and it's like a garden hose.
Say if you cut the water off a garden hose, you
bend it, and it stops the water flowing, and
then you open it back up, and it flows again.
It doesn't have the same damage that getting
knocked out does. It's refreshing. Knocked out
is terrifying. I got knocked out at a party in
college, and I pissed myself. And my girlfriend
at the time was over me like, what, are you okay?
And I was like, don't look at my dick. It's wet.
Wait, your girlfriend saw you get knocked out?
Yeah, I was so white and just went out on a front
lawn. How was the relationship after that? Not
good. I started fucking the guy who knocked me
out. I mean, it was a sucker punch in my defense.
Well, that's the problem with sucker punches.
Yeah. That's why you can't let anybody who's
angry get close to you. When people are angry
and they get close to you, you either got to
push them away from you or grab them. Because
when they start doing that, anybody can get sucker
punched. Because reaction time is so much slower
than action time. Action time is like, bang,
you could crack somebody. In reaction time, you're
in the middle of real life. Shane's like, sorry.
Jamie. We got more beers? Can I get one? I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry. JMO. Sorry
to interrupt. I saw Joe once. I'm not going to
say who, but somebody got in his face. And it's
just like. Get under hooks. And the guy was like,
what the fuck? What's happening? When people
don't realize how vulnerable they are and then
they do, there's a moment where there's a look
on their face. You're like, oh my God. I don't
know anything. When you just grab their body
and just squeeze it. It's like a moment in school
where they bring in signs instead of just like
numbers into math. And you're like, oh, I don't
know it. What the fuck is that? What's X, Y?
Well, it's good to know something so you don't
have to hurt someone. So like in that situation,
I didn't hurt the guy. I just grabbed him and
went, listen. But remember when you were a kid,
I feel like being... What were we doing this
whole time? Preparing for alcoholism. That's
what I am doing. Being knocked out used to be
part of childhood, I thought. Well, we thought
it was okay. We didn't think it was like... It
haunts you for life. I know people that have
been knocked... Hey, Jesus! I know people that
have been knocked out and they've never been
the same again. Quite a few people. Joe Biden.
Well, he did have fucking serious brain surgery.
He was a football player. I bet he got dinged
around a little. What did he play? I bet there's
that, too. That was back in the leather helmet
days. Oh, my God. When I found out he played
football, I liked him a little more. Did you?
I think he used to be like a charming guy. Really?
I liked what he was doing. You know what? I'm
racist, so I really liked a lot of what he was
doing his entire career. Building prisons and
stuff. I don't even know what he does. I like
the - Well, the crime bill from 94. Yeah, I love
the crime bill, so I was a big Biden guy for
a long time. I love seeing Shane on podcasts
talk about stuff, go the opposite way, and then
people are like, what's up with him? He's like,
I'm Joe. I went and did Cigar's podcast, and
I sat down, and I was just like, I love being
in Texas. I love the abortion laws here. Oh,
my God. They were just there. But they were good,
though. They got it. They got it. They got it
100%. Here, Jamie, I'm going to send you something
else. It's weird how few people get comedy. They're
like, what? That's Biden? Biden was a beast,
dude. Stop the woods, Mr. Vice President. But
this is before black players. It certainly was
because of Biden. This is before color film.
Look at this. This is black and white. This is
what the fuck? That's actually fast motion. What
are these subtitles even saying? I follow football.
I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Yeah, what is it at the top? Archmere, Biden,
BP, Seven Men movie. Wow, nice fucking route,
dude. Look how slow they are. You want to know
something wild? Tell us people before steroids.
My family. Nobody high -stepped. My family, the
Gillis family, owned mushroom farms. We were
mushroom farmers in Delaware. Like what kind
of mushrooms? Just regular mushrooms. Fuck! Now,
allegedly, the old legend goes, a guy delivering
corn cobs to the Gillis mushroom farm. Drove
a truck into Biden's wife and killed her. Shut
up. Oh, my God. They did die. His family, his
wife, and his child. Allegedly, that's how. Oh,
my God. Oh, my God. Sleepy Joe. Mushroom truck.
Oh, listen to this. Play this. Play it from the
beginning. Rewind it from the beginning and give
me some volume. That was an interesting story.
Shane killed Biden. Very interesting. Shane killed
Biden's wife. I thought Joe did it. Watch this.
This is crazy. It's Australian. Oh, man. It's
like watching your friend hit a vaporizer and
call his parents. They try to break this down.
They try to break this down like a football play.
Nah, nah, local reference. They don't get it
in Australia. That's a local reference. Is it?
Yeah, for sure. It's so easy to see these things
now. You're like, okay, they definitely don't
know what portal bridge is. That meant something.
We've seen your bitch -ass antibodies. You sure
you want to take it? Those are Biden voter antibodies.
We got Biden antibodies, dude. I'm not a voter.
I'm not a voter at all. The only way to change
this is through violent revolution. Wow. Really?
What's that? Pot? Yeah, it's pot, bitch. Are
you scared? I'm not doing the show tonight. We're
doing a show like that. We have a show in one
hour. I'm not doing the rest of this fucking
podcast. We're fine. One little baby hit. It's
okay. Don't take it if you're a fucking pussy.
Yeah, it's definitely California pot. Oh, don't
pass that over here. That's the real shit. He
did the fucking Clinton. I'm not doing it. He
did the Clinton don't inhale. I didn't blow any
of your lungs. Breathe out through your nose,
then. You don't have to do it. Why are you making
me do more hits? Hand it to me. I'm falling for
it. Mark has to do it. I just smell it. Woo!
No, dude, I did it. That's Gavin Newsom weed.
That's Newsom. That's the new song. I'm not going
on stage. Already? That one little hit? A quick
comedy. Come on. Just one hit, I'm like, oh,
shit. I'm alive, but I won't be forever. No,
that's not it. I don't know. What is it? This
takes that away. You got that right. This is
immortality. Yeah, booze makes you feel good.
That should be one of the side effects. Weed
makes you feel bad. Jesus. Did you get it? Did
you do it right? Semen. I did. I did it too right.
That's the problem when you cough. Why does your
cough get extra hot? Yeah, what is that? It lets
more air in. You must know. It was always you're
supposed to try to cough to open up the capillaries.
Maybe. It makes sense. If you cough, it fucking
lights you up. If we get drugs, you have to do
drugs now. What do you mean? Real ones. Let's
do shrooms. Who are you even talking to? Who
knows who's fucking bringing them in? Mushrooms
are good. Dude, Austin's always a big pill town.
Let's do mushrooms. Okay, cannabis mist. Does
coffee make you higher? Okay. Creates a lack
of oxygen. The physical act of coughing creates
a person to sputter. Their lungs compress, creates
a lack of oxygen. It's this. Momentary lack of
oxygen in the brain that can actually heighten
the feeling of cannabis high, making its effects
more noticeable and your high seem more intense.
That sounds like someone who's a scientist that
doesn't get high. Yeah. Because it gets you higher.
It gets you higher. Yeah, it's not a myth. It
gets you higher. But I wonder if it's, well,
the fact that you were coughing means you just
took in so much. Right. That's what made you
cough. It's not coughing that makes you cough.
Bong hits, right? Yeah, yeah, bong. That's what
I used to smoke. We used to smoke gravity bongs
all the time. So that was my first experience
with weed was just getting launched into outer
space. Dude, did you go back and watch the early
podcasts? Yeah. We used to have a volcano. I
don't know how this podcast caught on. It's amazing.
It was just us fucking quiet. Obliterated. We
would get obliterated. I didn't know what I was
talking about. And some of the dumbest shit,
like when people get in trouble for old clips,
I was so high I didn't even know what I was saying.
We had a bag, like a plastic bag. It would fill
up with vapor. It's a balloon. It was great.
Yeah, it's this thing. It's called a volcano.
seen a volcano? So you hit the button and a fan
blows and it fills this bag up and then you have
like a socket and you press the socket and it's
all vapor. And it's not real smoke so you don't
see a lot coming out of your mouth so it's deceptive.
It's a weird high too because you don't, there's
something about like the plant fiber. The shooting
stars. Yeah, the shooting stars. Damn. Yeah,
the shooting stars. It's dope, right? Yeah. We
spared no expense. But there's something about
that high is a different high. It's like a more
confusing high like you're not as used to it
Yeah, the vaporize high and I think you just
get way more THC cuz I think it's pure It's not
coming in on a like burning plant rider, right?
Well when you smoke when you smoke a joint you
see a bunch of smoke come out, right? So that's
smoke you're not getting Those vaporizers, it
all goes in. It doesn't hurt your lungs, so you
can take a way deeper hit. I think it's smaller
particles, too. Maybe it gets in your bloodstream
quicker. Remember that shit where you'd go with
the paper towel holder, the roll, and you'd go
up against the wall and go up? Remember you'd
stand up with the guy who was blowing weed in
your face? Did you guys do that one? Like they
smash into your face? No, no, no, no, no. You
guys are both on your knees, and then you both
go up together, and he blows, and you stand up
and fall right down. You guys ever did that?
No. Maybe it was a southern thing. Yeah, it was
like a shotgun, but it was a paper towel holder.
And you would fall down together? New Orleans.
Jamie's shaking his head. He's an old school
stoner. You know it? That's like a mix of shotgunning,
but the thing where you stand up so fast that
you pass out. Yeah, yeah. Those were good times.
Damn, that was wild you were doing that. Oh,
it was the 90s. That's probably what fucked you
up. Yeah. Probably what fucked you up so bad.
I think the craziest weed visuals are watching
people in Vietnam smoking through the barrel
of a rifle. What? What? Yeah, they smoke. Smoke
weed. Like one guy will take a big hit and he'll
blow it through. And the other guy on the other
end of the rifle will suck it in. And they do
it all the time. They were doing it all the time
in Vietnam. Blow it up. Yeah, it would smoke
out of the barrel. The best was parties, too,
when girls were like, shotgun's under my mouth.
And you're like, we're making out for sure. Yeah.
Shotgun's under your mouth. That's step one.
Yeah, so these guys, they would use their fucking
service rifles. And we couldn't beat Afghanistan.
Yeah, so it was a shotgun, actually. This was
a nail. This was the first Afghanistan. And they
would use, like, old grandpa pipes. Damn. Yeah,
which is probably a better pipe anyway. It's
cool. Right? So look at this. Oh, my God. Whoa.
So he blows on it, and the other guy on the other
end. This was it. This is what I was doing at
a party. Wow. Look at that. That's wild. So he
blows on the pipe, and then the other end is
just fucking streamlining into these guys. Talk
about camaraderie. You'll be friends with these
guys forever. Yeah. Or 20 minutes. Is this your
leg or Tony's leg? This is so ballsy to do this
in the middle of the jungle. How do you know
you're not going to sniper? Well, you don't.
I think they were accepting the warm embrace
of death. Just running their last days out. Probably,
man. Imagine when you're over there and then
you get older and you realize you went over there
for no reason. For nothing. Oof. It's about the
guy next to you. Friends who died, and then you
went over there for what? Like a fake attack
on America that they called the Gulf of Tonkin
incident. The Gulf of Tonkin incident never really
took place. They pretended the North Vietnamese
attacked us, so they had to go over there, and
they were fighting against communism. And so
Americans died, and then years and years later,
the Freedom Information Act comes out, and they
realize that there was no real event, and then
it's just bullshit. Do you remember that senator?
Sorry. Do you remember that senator? Oh, dude,
you didn't like that. You're right. I'm joking.
I'm like, I got a little high. Nice going, Mark.
Sorry, Joe. I didn't want to hurt you. What's
your problem, Mark? I felt it when you did it.
The reason why it stung is I knew my story was
boring. No, it's a good story. It's a fun fact.
It stung. It stung. You got me. There was a senator
who ran on, did a bunch of time as senator, ran
on the fact that he was a hero, and then it came
out and he was like, hey, I can't hide this anymore.
I raped and killed a bunch of people. Oh, hold
on a second. You guys missed. what Ari just said.
Say that again? There was some senator who was
like, he was a Vietnam hero. And then it comes
out later, he's like, no, I raped and killed
a bunch of people. Oh, what a bitch. What a lying
bitch. Oh my God, really? He resigned after that.
He just couldn't take it anymore? Yeah, but he
was like 20, 30 years in the Senate as like this
hero, but the whole time it was just like that.
Yeah, but remember when Al Franken almost touched
that lady's boobs? That was serious. That was
for real. Pronouns. Not like war. Dorks nowadays.
Can't take the slightest nothing. That was back
when Al Franken was a comedian too and not a
senator. He still is. He was on the USO tour
thing. Yeah, he does the cellar all the time.
He does the cellar a lot. Does he? I hate it.
Legitimately? Yeah, he has like 45. minutes.
You don't like when he goes down? He hates it
forever. What do you mean? He does too long.
All these people who bump, they do too long.
Oh, they bump. Why don't they just call? He stops
bumping, apparently. All you have to do is call.
All you got to do is call. Aziz started calling.
I always just called. Louie calls. Louie gets
a spot. Everybody gets a spot. Why are you jumping
in? Yeah, you used to always do it. He doesn't
know. Well, I remember. You and I have talked
about that. I've seen you get bumped a bunch
of times. Sorry about that. I got bumped when
I first started, and we talked about it. I was
like, I'm never doing that. I'm not doing that.
We saw this guy bump four days in a row, and
I remember Rogan, already fear factor Rogan,
like pretty big, going like, I call in. It's
his fourth day in a row. He knows he's coming.
Why aren't you calling? It's not hard to call.
It's not hard to call. But it's a thing where
you earn that right to bump and you used to watch
all these guys come in and bump. And there's
a thing that people wanted. It was like encouraging
the culture, I think, before we started talking
about it. I think it was encouraged to be a guy
who got so big that you could bump. Everybody
wanted to be a guy. And there was a few people
that would bump that really shouldn't have been
bumping. Remember those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like
real fucking fringe on a WB show that no one's
watching. It's like, I call Frankie tonight.
Oh, you got to follow Frankie? God damn. That's
a tough follow. He does a full history report.
He does a long time. It was going a while. I
think he's gotten better, I've heard. I think
it was just no one told him what the deal was.
I liked it. The problem is he was doing like.
Senator impressions Of guys from like The Oklahoma
Republican Who's like Are you sure of this And
it's a crowd The seller crowd Is like 20 year
old Girls from NYU 30 % of them know What the
fuck he's talking about They're just like I guess
that's an impression But We remember when Dennis
Miller Would say A bunch of crazy shit That like
no one could know. People would laugh. It would
be like the most obscure references about like
the 1400s. He had a tone though. It was a funny
reference. You had to know what he was saying
or you were a fucking loser. I'm talking about
Arafat, babe. That sounds pretty good. I was
on a plane with Norm Macdonald once just randomly
and he sat next to me and he goes, you know,
he doesn't even know any of that stuff. He's
like, yeah. He just fucking finds out and writes
it down and he just says it. It's not like he
knows it. Norm on the Dennis Miller show is unreal.
Yeah, he's unreal. Great clips. Of him on Dennis
Miller? My hero, yeah. Isn't it the most Norm
thing ever to not tell everybody that you were
dying of cancer and then just die? What a G.
What a G. What a G. Badass. Goddamn. A total
Norm move, too, right? Yeah, where's your sympathy
from everybody? Fuck off. He got canceled. He
got to put that card on the table. Cancer, motherfucker.
And he didn't even tell his best friends. He
said he was going to Canada to take care of his
mom. He didn't tell me either. He told Adam Egan
he's got a big race coming for him. Didn't tell
Adam. How dare you. Didn't tell Adam. Damn. That's
the last joke. Genius comic, though. Genius.
Goddamn. He was so unique in his, the way, he
expressed himself how he was really thinking.
Like, the way he would, like, he would say something
fucked up to you in the green room, he would
say the exact same thing on stage. Really? And
he would say, he had this way of looking at things
that was... Absolutely unique to him. Yeah. He
bombed a good bit, too. He did. He took chances.
Which must have been so fun to watch. I never
saw him bomb. Caroline's ones, fucking throwing
down one. God, it was like he just didn't care.
I saw the Caroline's, too. Didn't care. He got
heckled. He was drinking a Coca -Cola, and he
got heckled, and he was like. I don't want to
do this. I'm just going to go back to my act.
And that was it. Completely randomly. Just like,
don't feel like it right now. I could. Don't
want to. Completely randomly. Two times in my
life I sat next to him on a plane. Just totally
random. Remember the Vancouver ransom at the
airport? Yep. Once in Vancouver and once somewhere
else. And the last one, he was talking about,
yeah, I quit smoking. He was telling me how he
quit smoking. Yeah, it was hard. It was really
hard to quit. And I did it. And, you know, fucking
smoke, it's terrible for you. So we land. He
walks as fast as he can off the plane. Damn.
He's right into one of those stores and buys
a pack of cigarettes. And he's opening up it
and he's got one in his mouth as he's out the
door. He went on for an hour about how it's terrible
for you. He's so glad he's out over it. So I'm
outside with him. I go, what are you doing? I
thought you quit smoking. He goes, yeah, but
all that fucking talking about it. I wanted a
cigarette. So was he being funny or was he just
a weirdo? No, no, no. He was just a genius. Didn't
drive, right? Didn't he not drive? Just invited
people to go do tennis and stuff. So he'd be
like, pick me up on the way. His brain was just
wired different. Yeah. It was just wired different.
time but like he just decided wow let's smoke
and just yeah i mean he couldn't light it quick
enough on the way out the door well it was i'm
gonna go smoke a cigarette talking about cigarettes
you gotta piss no i was talking about cigarettes
i gotta piss Go outside. I was going to warn
you about that. No one's peed in this room. Please
don't. I have. I already have. Not in this one.
Yes, I have. This one? Look at that bucket right
there. There's a bucket. You need to have an
Irish Memorial bucket. Sorry, you can piss in
that ice bucket. Dude, I had a good one. Why
are you peeing in the other one? We all went
to a Halloween parade dressed as Batman. Me,
Sal, Christy, DeRosa, everybody. This is a gay
story. I'll be right back. I had to pee so fucking
bad. There's nowhere to go. You're in a fucking...
Hey! Hey! You're in a parade. Go left. And I
just used the Batman cape, found a cup on the
floor, and just pissed into it. I saw the video.
I liked it. I liked it on Instagram. I was like,
oh. You gotta make it happen. You gotta make
it happen. Yeah. I used to have these kombucha
bottles. You would fill a kombucha. bottle and
then he's like fuck i can't hold it like he's
gonna completely get so we had to run and get
him a second bottle second bottle yeah damn run
out of the studio get him a second bottle and
come in and i take his warm bottle of piss and
screw the cap onto it because you're a friend
joe i'm a friend and who would drink i'm not
scared to pee either i know what it is it's not
that different from piss look at you that's how
batman pissed Hey, boy, you guys look good. We
had a 16 -person Batman group. How shit -faced
are you? So shit. Those are the tool belts. We're
working tool belts. We put shot glasses in them.
Look at Joe. Man, Joe's off -putting. He looks
so hammered. DeRosa's trashed. Look how much
I filled it up. Is that your piss? That's my
piss. Wow. Now, how do you get rid of it? Uh,
it's showing right here. I just found a fucking
sewer grate. Oh, that's Sixth Avenue. I know
that area. That's Sixth Avenue, yeah. So, kids.
That's everywhere. Yeah. You're just hanging
around with that jug of piss. There's a COVID
resource link? Look at that comment. It says,
why is there a COVID resource link on this video?
LOL, it's a guy peeing in his car. Did they have
it? Somebody said this is his vaccine. No. Something
like that. Something that small. Really? Yeah.
Is there really a COVID? Oh, my God. Look at
that. Visit the COVID -19 Information Center.
Oh, my God. That's insane. They got to get their
word out. So it must be an algorithm. That's
it. That's it. That's it. I hope they're vaccinated.
It's about the kids I was paying in front of.
Oh, my God. Why do they do that? They always
put a COVID warning on the Instagram videos.
This might be misinformation. Because Christie
is fucking making a joke. Yeah, let me make a
joke. Stop putting a warning. I hope they're
vaccinated. It's like, oh, that's misinformation.
Isn't that crazy? Do you know the UK is about
to, well, they're trying to pass a law. I think
it's like the online safety bill. What is that?
I'll Google it here. It's what they're essentially
they're trying to do is they're trying to pass
a law where they can put you in jail for it says
trolls. Is this Australia? If you cause psychological
harm. All I do is troll. Exactly. I can never
move to the volcano. Here's the thing. It's so
subjective. Like what is psychological harm?
Now, I don't think this is passed yet. And maybe
people are realizing that. But jail time for
trolls. Trolling's fun. But they're calling emotional,
psychological, obviously physical harm is actually
a problem. Sure. But I don't know how you do
that online anyway. You could say you could make
a person do something physical to themselves,
which people have already been convicted of,
like cyberbullying through text messages and
stuff, telling people to kill themselves. People
have already gotten in trouble for that. This
is weird. It says threat. The problem is it's
like super subjective. The way they're leaving
it right now. Here's one. Knowingly false communications.
Okay, so imagine. But your tongue in cheek. But
hold on. Sorry, go ahead. Imagine if this was
10 months ago when you weren't allowed to bring
up the lab leak theory for COVID. And so you
wrote it, the lab leak theory is real. And then
they put you in fucking jail. And then they find
out when you're doing two years in jail that
actually Fauci lied. It might have come out of
a fucking lab. To get out of there? Yeah, it'd
almost be like saying the Earth was round. Remember
those people? Yeah. Remember those people who
sued us back then? Like Galileo, all the shit
that he had to do. Yeah, that's how this works.
The Earth's the center of the universe. Don't
kill me. We're ruled by dorks. We're ruled by
dorks. They don't like internet comments. We're
bending over backwards for the retards in our
society. Michael Malice is fucked. Hey, that's
bad, but this is way worse. Sorry, buddy. is
the potential for the government to step in and
say that what you're doing is causing people
harm so they can just lock you up and put you
in jail. So you're making fun of Joe Biden and
you're making fun of Joe Biden and people say
that, well, this causes harm to elderly people
because you're talking about old guys shitting
his pants and forgetting where he lives. If we
get to that point where anything people say that's
remotely offensive or most of what's on Reddit
or 4chan, it's all fun. They're saying mean shit
and they're doing it to make each other laugh.
First of all, you're going to lose Scotland.
Keep doing this. Scotland's gone. Because they
do a lot of that, right? Yeah, Scotland's like,
we already won out. This is fucking ridiculous.
Yeah, that guy count Dankula. Right, exactly.
I had him on Archibald Skeptic Tech. We had a
whole thing where he just taught his dog how
to do the highlight or to fuck with his girlfriend.
It's not hard. You were grabbing the back of
the dog's elbow and you could make him do the
highlight. Over and over again. You trained him.
Smart dog. Really? Yeah. And then they said,
like, you owe us fines. They were like, put you
in jail. I'll try it. Because they're like, it's
harm. Yeah, yeah, it's great. But your dog was
never laying on its back. He pulled the back
of its elbow up to get my highlight. Yeah, they
go like this. They go from here to like, whoa.
Their wrist has to extend. So, you know, you
get a nice golden retriever or something, the
whitest dog. Get a German shepherd. That's what
I have. You're one of the whiter guys I know.
He's the sweetest. They're the best dogs ever.
But yeah, he got arrested. They were cuffing
him. They cuffed him. He's leaving his house
in cuffs after he made his dog. No, no, no. He
made his pug. Count Dangula. He made his pug
do the Hitler. That's a fun, hilarious joke.
Listen, he's not saying that Hitler was right.
He's not saying kill the Jews. He's doing a gag.
He had some good points. What if he made his
dog do something that made it look like Genghis
Khan? Would that be okay? That'd be fine. Genghis
Khan's fine. He killed 50 million fucking people.
Genghis Khan's fine. It's crazy. Stalin's fine.
Stalin's fine. Yeah, that's right. Isn't that
wild? How's that? There's a quote, kill a million
people and it's Stalin. Kill a million people
and it's a story. Kill one person, it's a tragedy.
That's good. Statistic. He does it the other
way around, though. He does it the other way
around. What is it? It says kill one person is
a tragedy. Kill a million people. It's a statistic.
It's a statistic. Yeah. That makes sense. And
it's true. It's something about big numbers that
weird us out and we lose connection. When you
think about how big the universe is, your brain
just goes, I'm out. You know what I did with
the big numbers? That book? That Bloodlands book?
I'm scared to read that book, dude. Bloodlands.
What's that? Bloodlands. It's just a book about
what happened between the Soviets and the Nazis.
In like Ukraine and Poland and Belarus and all
that. But they give you statistics the whole
time. And every time it's like you got to just
visualize like a stadium. Because I know how
much a college football stadium is. You know
what I mean? 50 ,000, 80 ,000. Yeah, you go in,
you see 80 ,000 people. And then you imagine
like today we got killed. You know? Yeah. That's...
That's how many people can visualize humans in
college football. That helps. Jesus Christ. Speaking
of stadiums, I'll be at the Wilbur Theater December
9th. I don't know if that's the stadium. The
Wilbur in Boston? The Wilbur? That's a great
room. I did my last special there. I fucking
loved it. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did Strange
Times there. I love it there. Well, local boy
makes good. You know that shit. Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Remember they wanted you to go to Alaska?
And you're like, Ari, they want me to go to Alaska.
Should I do that? Should I do a special? And
I'm like, what's the other option? You're like,
the best club in the country. And you're like,
what are we talking about? And you're like, yeah,
I'm going to Denver. And then Comedy Central
called me, and your manager's like, thanks for
ruining our vacation, Ari. Yeah, they all want
to go to Alaska. The idea was we were going to
film it in Alaska, because I want to go somewhere
where I never go. I only went once there with
Ari. We went fishing. It was a lot of fun. And
we went on this, was it the Bear something? Bear
Theater? What? Bear Claw? It's all bear over
there. Yeah, it was fucking Anchorage. Anchorage
is surprisingly interesting. It's like a bunch
of really cool people. They're more resilient
because they have to deal with ridiculous weather.
Bears. They're all runaways too. They run away
from the law and move up there. The women are.
The children are that. Horrific. Not all of them,
man. There's some hot broads there. And they're
like hardy. That's us. Oh, wow. When was that?
That's you and me, buddy. Wait, which one's which?
What year is that? It's 435 weeks ago. Who's
Ari? It's 435 weeks ago. Holy shit, dude. That
was you? 2013, buddy. Damn, you look like hell.
What happened, man? Damn. Look how young you
were. Well, he was young. You looked 14. It was
39. It was 39. 39, 38, something like that. Yeah,
there was... a long fucking time ago. Oh yeah,
we had caught this crazy king sand. We saw a
fucking moose. We saw a moose, yeah. We saw a
lot of mosquitoes. Oh my God, you've never seen
anything like it. I don't want to go there for
the mosquitoes. You couldn't breathe. We rented
a car and we figured we'll get out of the car
and spray ourselves down with the mosquito repellent.
Bullshit. We fucking opened the car door and
there was like a hundred mosquitoes inside the
car. I'm not going there. I'm not going. It was
nuts. I'm not going. What about the sunlight?
Does that go? When we were there, it never got
dark. Yeah. Whoa. It was one of those. That's
weird. It was so cool. It was three in the morning.
We were outside. It was like four in the afternoon.
Did it fuck up your circadian? We were there
for two days. We were there for two days. I remember
we were like - We were drunk the entire time.
After the first day, we were like, let's go to
sleep. I'm like, should we walk around a little?
He's like, yeah, you're right. It's fucking midnight
and bright light out. We just walked around.
Yeah, you can drink your way out of mosquitoes.
I don't know. Yeah, yeah. So you don't feel it.
They're going to drunk up this. It's an interesting
attitude those people have. They're like different
humans. Yeah. Because they're Americans, but
they're not. They live on an outpost. They're
like cool people. They have the same culture,
essentially, but they're way more resilient.
They got Mongol blood. Right. They're just heartier.
And the people that move there are the people
that cherish those kind of communities, where
people are just, they know how to fucking start
fires in the rain. Ari's going out to piss. Is
that how you do it? You don't say anything? Yeah,
he does. Otherwise, he pisses in here. I'm happy
he's outside. I can't believe he's already pissed
in this room. I thought I was going to preserve
it. I was thinking that today. I was like, I
should tell him, don't pee in the room. He pees
everywhere. He is a motherfucker, dude. He'll
pee in church. He's like the opposite of Ellen,
though. Ellen, everybody thought was a sweetheart.
She ended up being a nightmare. Everybody thinks
Ari's a fucking nightmare. Great guy. He's behind
the scenes a little sweetheart. I've been friends
with Ari since he was an open miker working as
a door guy. He still hasn't gotten better at
comedy, but... How has he not gotten better?
He went a little trump there. How is he... Honestly,
this guy... I can't do it with the headphones.
You can do it. You got it. Take the headphones
off and do it. You had it. Ari Shaffir, what
a loser this guy is. Yes. He's 68. He's 70 years
old, this guy. They tell me how old he is. He
can't be this old. He is this old. That's amazing.
That's great. That's amazing. That's amazing.
That's very good. We got to get you and Dunnigan,
him doing Biden, you doing Trump together. Dunnigan's
Biden is impeccable, but his Trump is cartoonish.
That's like an accurate Trump. That's dead on.
Who is the best Trump impersonator in the country?
There's got to be a guy who's got it nailed.
What about James Adomian? I think I heard his.
He's good. He's got it? He's really good at impressions.
I like Alec Baldwin. Oh, you know what? Alec
Baldwin was okay. He was okay until he shot my
aunt. What the heck did he do? He shot a lady
on accident. That damn armorer. Wow. Yeah. Bad
stuff all around. I'm a firearm enthusiast. I
know a lot about fire. I don't know a lot compared
to gun nuts, but compared to regular people,
I know a lot. You never point a gun at somebody.
That's the number one rule, right? You don't
even point. If you have a gun, if you're on a
set, if somebody... What was that? What was that
again? I don't know. I thought somebody else
did it. I was looking up something. What was
it? Just cheering. Somebody else was imitating
crowd cheering. Oh, the other Trump. I want to
see that. You don't point the gun. You always
look at it. If someone gives you a gun, you always
open up the chamber. You look at it. You always
point it down on the ground. You never point
it towards a person. I don't even think a live
round is even ever supposed to be on the set.
There should have been many steps in play that
prevented that from happening. Apparently she
hated Hillary, that lady. Did you see that whole
conspiracy thing? No, seriously. She hated Hillary.
Pull it up. Oh, you think it was the Hillary
Clinton body count? Yeah, and she knew all this
shit about Hillary, and they're like, oh, she's
going to come out with it, and then they shot
her. Apparently it was the Clinton body count.
They killed Nipsey, dude. Oh, really? Nipsey
Hussle. They killed him. You think he killed
Nipsey Hussle? And Ralphie Mae. Google it. And
Ralphie Mae. By the way, dude, that was your
metric for I'm not that fat, I'm not Ralphie
Mae. That's a good point. I went and took a piss
and thought about it. That's a good point. You
can't come against me. I was on your side. That
guy's always turning. There's only one burger
left. No, you're not fat. You're overweight.
You're overweight. Person of size. Yeah, I'm
obese. Yeah, he's obese. He's got to be obese,
too. With his height. 100%. BMI, not good. 6
'3"? I'd have to be like 190 to not be obese.
No, not be overweight, 190. Obesity is like 225.
So how do you figure in like thick people? First
of all, 98 % of people go like, oh, I work out.
Don't work out. That's not the issue. You're
the outlier. But how about a person who's born
that way, like a Samoan man? Samoan man with
their fucking wide shoulders, wide bones. Those
dudes are heavy as fuck just from just living.
Yeah, but your stomach is not wide -boned. My
stomach's not that wide. How much of your stomach
is your weight? Let's see it. What do you weigh
right now? Let's see it. Shut up, Tubby. Here's
BMA. Holy, that's a lot of numbers. I think I
have to weigh 160 pounds. 169? This is girls.
Yeah, I'm obese. Damn it. What's the girls chart?
What is the girls chart? What? No, 6 '3", 169
is not obese. The chart is nuts. No, no, this
is not right. It doesn't factor in muscle at
all. What are the colors? What matters is your
fucking body fat. The percentage of your body
fat shows if you're obese. This one's way wrong,
dude. 6 '3", 169 is not underweight. That's not
obese. This is like from the 50s. You got a bad
one. That might be a girl one. An average woman
from 2021 is heavier than an average man from
1970? I heard that, yeah. No, that's not true.
I heard that. I think I made that up. I think
I made up. It's definitely worse. There's something
like that. I might have fucked that up. Can you
Google that? The average woman from 2021 is as
heavy as the average man from 1960 or 70. It's
got to be true. It's true. The people that have
extra money for fucking extra food. I feel like
I fucked something. I feel like there's a caveat
there that I'm missing. McDonald's used to be
a treat. Now it's every day. It probably was
different then, too. It was different then. Yeah,
that's true. Probably didn't have GMO bread.
All right. Well, look. Sorry our empire succeeded
so much that we're fat. No, we're doing great.
It's a good sign. This is good. It is a good
sign. Well, fat and our dicks are shrinking.
That's true. That's all right. Fetus sizes are
going down. Fetus sizes are going down? I've
been doing a lot of research. What? It's real,
yeah. Yeah, gooch drinks. Dr. Shanna Swan. What,
black abuse? No, it's plastics. Use of petrochemical
plastics has polluted people's bodies. So are
you off water bottles? Yeah, that's what we started.
Well, also for recycling. Yeah, it's way better
for the environment. Started doing metal. Wait,
did you do the recycling stuff before you realized
your gooch would shrink? Yeah, way before. I
realized the gooch is shrinking pretty recently.
We got a lady on here that freaked me out. Well,
it's your taint that shrinks. What? It's not
like in Next Generation, it's like your current
dick gets smaller? It's the children of parents
who are, the parents get these phthalates in
their body and the woman has the phthalates in
their body while the child is inside of her and
then the kids are showing developmental issues
in terms of like their hormones and sexuality.
Like they're, not sexuality, but. their sexual
organs. They're saying that sperm counts have
radically decreased, miscarriages have increased,
and the size of men's taints has shrunk. Taints?
Yeah. A taint, apparently, according to this
woman, Dr. Shanna Swan, is the best indication
in mammals of whether or not it's a male or female.
Because you know, they're looking at it, what
is that? You look at the size between the organ,
the sex organ, and the asshole. In a male, it's
always 50 to 100 % larger. Well, in male humans,
it's getting... smaller. The same thing happens
in animals. When they introduce phthalates, these
plastics, they fuck with your development. And
there's a lot of them, man. Wow. It's weird how
little skin is between. You showing him your
dick? What did you just do? He was pointing,
but it was his middle finger. I didn't notice
for like a while. It's weird how little skin
is between a woman's vagina and butthole. Like
if I was a lady, I'd be way self -conscious about
that. Right. The woman's taint is much smaller
than a male's taint. That's good. They get one
hand in the both. Our taints are all, we're eventually
going to be like a duck. We're going to have
a cloaca. We're going to have one hole for everything.
I'd love to have a fat fucking thick cloaca.
That's it. All cloacas. Black chick. Who spit?
Was it you or Dyke? You just have one giant pussy
and asshole together. I think that's Bob Newhart.
Dyson's a guy. There's a guy who's still doing
it exactly the way he always did it. I love it.
Love it, Dyson. You've got to see him right now.
There is no consideration. at all for a changing
of the times. His material is still dice clay.
He's still doing that character. It's fucking
hilarious. It makes it better. It's so much fun.
When he comes to the stand and he performs there
and you just, have you gone down there and watched
it? No. Dude, he'll pull a chair up to the front
row and be like, what are you looking at, bitch?
I'm waiting in the front row. You're just like,
holy shit, dude. Mean dice is my favorite dice.
It makes it better. This is great. He used to
go on when we were like, no crowd left. The Comedy
Store just goes till zero people are there or
2 a .m and there were two people in the audience
and he's like he came in he's like y 'all go
on i was like no there's only two people he's
like i said i'll go on he just went on for like
an hour never seen a guy less concerned with
how he did on stage Really? Never. Him and Hicks.
Hicks, in the early days, I saw him bomb once,
and he didn't give a fuck, but never seen anything
like Dice. Dice literally gives zero fucks when
he's on stage. But is that good? I don't know.
You want to get laughed, right? He does get laughed.
He would do it for a meta thing. He would go
to the comics. He would be like, come watch me.
Let's see how long I can go before I even say
anything that makes any sense. Yeah. Just to
entertain the four or five people in the back.
Right. He's like, yeah, I saw about the thing
today, and the guy, you know, the guy is always.
Coming up, and they're like, yeah, it's like,
what are you going to do? But anyway, so this
guy comes up, and you're like, what are you even
saying? He just keeps it going. He went out to
a thing where he wanted to go the longest he
could without saying anything. Remember that?
He wouldn't talk at all. He was like, eek, eek,
eek. He moved around, and he just fucking sometimes
would just stare at the people. No one knew what
to do. He went for minutes. He's a great troll.
Yes. It would lock him up in the UK for sure.
For sure. Psychological harm. He had David Taylor
open up for him because he was like, they won't
like this. Anyway, he did whatever he did. He's
like, all right, I'm done. But Dice just goes
like this, just stretch. So he starts doing a
Dice -like intro. He's like, this next guy is
a wonderful comic. He's just like this. He goes,
Shakespeare once said that Dice is like this.
He just keeps going. People start booing David.
They start booing him right now. They don't realize
what's happening. He just goes like, uh -huh,
uh -huh. Keep stretching. He just loved it. That's
hilarious. He loved the mayhem. You ever had
a bomb? What's the worst bomb? I bombed in Kalamazoo
for 20 ,000 people. What? 20 minutes of silence.
What? I could hear people like, what is this?
Wow. 20 ,000 people? What? Seinfeld? No, Schumer
gig years ago, Kalamazoo, brutal. Wait, Schumer's
crowd didn't get you? Well, it was just, it was
like, we started late, but you got to go on.
They were half -seated. This guy's not, like,
a slut. Yeah, there was a lot of that. I came
here to talk about being a slut. They hated it.
I'm wasted. I want you to do Trump talking to
Amy. She's a fat pig. She's a disgusting. Oh,
my God. Guys, that's how Trump would. That's
how Trump would. That's not Shane. That's how
Trump would. Trump, Trump, right, right. I wouldn't.
I think Amy's great. This is six Bud Lights in,
ladies and gentlemen. I just want to point that
out. I'm just joking. If I met Amy, I'd be pumped
to meet her. She killed, but they hated me. 20
,000 people. Yeah, silence. That is a tough one.
Jesus Christ. It was a place like that. What's
the hardest you've ever bombed going after somebody,
though? That's almost like a logistics bomb.
That was great. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
Jessica Kearson will kill so hard sometimes.
They don't even know what you're doing. You're
like, we want that again. Right, right, right.
She kills. Really? You picked a lady. She's funny.
She kills. Interesting choice, Mark. All right,
let's see. Who's a guy that kills that's hard
to follow? That slays like that. Yeah, I'm trying
to think. Brad. You can't follow Brad. Brad Williams?
Yeah. Really? It's so hard. You're too tall.
It's so hard. It's like a different. You got
tall privilege. It's like multiple standing ovations.
It's crazy. And then you go on. Especially if
he plays music. I haven't seen him do that. Oh,
my God. I followed him once. He had confetti
and music. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were
doing a show at the Improv. I want to say it
was like some kind of a festive show. There was
something about it. It wasn't like a regular
show. But Brad was on stage. He was doing cartwheels.
There was fucking glitter and confetti. He was
getting shot into the air. It was crazy. Confetti
was or he was? Yeah, I think someone was on with
him, too. I can't remember who was with him.
But there was like one other comic was on stage
with him. They were having fun. It was like a
thing they were doing. And I remember walking
on stage and I was like, Jesus Christ. People
make a mistake with Brad and with Bridget Everett.
They're like, well, maybe they're not as big
as other comics. We'll put them in the middle.
And it's like, don't do that. Put them at the
end. Yeah. No one follows Bridget. No one follows
Brad. Oh, Greer Barnes. Greer's a tough one.
That's a tough follow. He is the standard. I
remember Michelle saying, can you follow Greer
or not? Yeah. If you can't, then shut up. Right.
It's hard. I did a lot of gigs with him back
in the day. We did colleges together way back
in the 90s. Wow. Yeah. He's a funny dude. Funny
guy. He's been around quite a long time. Yeah.
Solid professional. The hardest I've ever bombed
was going on after Jim Brewer. Oh. Oh, my God.
Early in my career, like in the early 90s, Jim
and I did this gig outside of the city. I forget,
like 40 minutes outside of the city. I forget
the town it was in. We did like Thursday through
Saturday. And Thursday was fine. Friday was fine.
Saturday, first show was fine. But Saturday,
second show, he caught a fucking wave. And dude,
he was, you know how you do like a whole weekend
and you just get loose as fuck? You know, you
do, you're already four shows in. Saturday late
show is like always the funnest. You're in the
groove, man. Right? Like that was the most we
ever got to perform. Like during the week, you'd
get like a 15 minute. here a 10 minute set here
you'd get a bunch of sets but to be able to do
a solid half an hour in front of a a really excited
crowd on a saturday night so i went on after
him and i was terrified and i'm in the back and
he's doing this bit about his mom being drunk
and i know him coming home and he's drunk and
he sees his mom and it's a fucking hilarious
but he's murdering and i'm going over all my
bits going oh my god that bit sucks that bit
sucks i was terrified and i went up and just
ate shit oh yeah just plates of shit i was supposed
to do 45 i bailed at 35 you know when you're
feeling your feet on the stage like this is gonna
be bad you know walking up it was a but it was
a wake -up call it's like you got to tighten
up your shit like sometimes you like keep the
same act for too long and you don't do an inventory
of it you don't do an audit of it going okay
what would i laugh at this i'm like do i have
these same bits for a long time just because
i'm comfortable saying them this way because
that's how i've been saying right is this right
way to do it. What is it like for the audience?
When you see someone murder and then you bomb
and you realize this is a confidence thing. It's
also, I don't have confidence in my material.
Well, why don't I have confidence in my material?
Because it's not ready. It's not right. Let's
fix it. So I had to go through all my shit and
fix it. They just want the juice. They want the
peanuts, not the trail mix. They don't want all
the bullshit, you know? Well, they also want
you to be better. When you go on after someone
that's really good, that was the thing that Mitzi
always used to do. If you were an up -and -coming
comic, she would throw you on after someone who's
really good because it forces you to reevaluate
your act. If you're that guy who gets that 9
-15 spot every night, like, mwah, it's perfect.
It's easy -peasy. Yeah, it's easy -peasy. People
are, like, a little lubed up. You're the third
guy. It's the best spot. But if you're going
on after a bunch of murderers, man, and you're
a new person, like, you've only been doing comedy
for a... five years. Freddie did this to me once,
Freddie Soto. Oh, he was a murderer. I was getting
better and starting to feel confident. So he
told Eleanor, I'm going to go Barry Ari. So he
just crushed for 12 minutes. And then it was
like, hey, please welcome Ari. This next guy's
great. Just eat a dick while he's back there
laughing at how bad I'm doing. They're all laughing
and I can't get them. Yeah, it's hard. Comedy
used to have more of that. Like, let me bury
this guy. Let me show this guy what's what. Well,
there's a benefit to both people. Yes. It's a
real benefit to the guy who gets buried. He's
the one that hurts him the most. But some of
my best moments in my comedy career have been
like growth after bombing. Like realizing that
I bombed and then going, oh, Jesus Christ. Can't
let that happen. Yeah, it was too painful. And
also I knew it was my fault. I wasn't prepared.
I wasn't ready. I wasn't amped up. I wasn't enthusiastic.
I took it too light or I was nervous. There was
a bunch of different factors that it could be.
Yeah. One thing that's nice at the cellar, like
one time I got there and Louie bumped me. Louie
was in the hallway and I was like, oh, fuck.
Yeah, big Louie Katz. Anderson. Louie Anderson.
No, it was Louie CK. And I got there, and I was
like, oh, fuck. I got to follow you. And he was
just like, that's good. Yeah. The cellar, it's
actually kind of nice. It's a small room. Yeah.
So if you follow a famous person. You can ride
it. Everybody's just happy. That's what Jay said.
The whole room is just like. How many people
is the cellar? 180? 180? No. The main cellar?
It Googles nothing. Yeah, I think it's 180. Not
even close to 180. I think it's Googleable. What
do you think it is? Give it a Google. I think
it's close to like 110. No, I think it's 180.
It's small. Boston Comedy was even smaller than
that, if I remember right. That was a small room.
That was a tiny -ass room. I bombed in there
many times. That was a rough one. If you didn't
get them, I wasn't good enough for small rooms,
if that makes any sense. I needed a little fake
momentum. Yeah, bigger crowds are easier, but
then if it's too big, it's another animal. Right,
because then they're not connected to you, so
they don't feel bad if they don't laugh. Exactly.
150. But that's a capacity of a round. This is
not like a fucking census. It's got to be less.
This is somebody wrote something. It's so small.
Somebody wrote that. Yeah. Why don't you text
the people that run it? I did. I just texted
them. Oh, okay. Well, don't get mad at me. Liz,
yeah. How many sellers they have now? They have
the Comedy Underground and they have the Cellar,
right? And the Fat Black. Fat Black, Side Room.
What is the biggest one? Village Underground.
How many is that? That's 250? Yeah, it's like
a club. That's our main room. Then the Comedy
Cellar is the OR. Is that where Bobby did his
special? It was 124. Joe List did his special
there. Oh, I was way off. 124 is nice. That's
a nice room. 124, packed. That's what Jay said.
It was like somebody pussed out of following
somebody big. Like, oh, I don't want to go on
anymore. And Jay's like, man, they're having
such a good time now. It's better. They just
saw Chappelle. It's literally the best thing.
They're in a great mood. They're just sitting
there. They're like, I just saw Louis drop in.
Yeah. And then you go on. It's important. If
you want to think long term, it's a stress test
for your jokes. Yeah. Yes. It really is. You
need to test them. There is something, though,
that it's like those first two minutes. It's
not about your jokes later. It's like, how do
I get this crowd on my side? Because if you lose
them early, you're done. But that's a skill,
too. Louie was like, you can't bring it up. I
disagree. No, no, no. I think you have to acknowledge
it. I disagree. Louie's never followed Louie.
No, Louie followed Seinfeld in his prime. So
Louie would go on after Seinfeld and be like.
How am I supposed to follow that guy? And then
everybody would be like, yeah, how is he supposed
to follow him? Meanwhile, if you just go up and
fucking get into it. I disagree. I saw Steve
Simone follow Louis. I saw Steve Simone follow
Louis. Just go, wow, look at how great. We just
got to see Louis C .K. How awesome is that? Moved
it right into a bit About like It's fun going
out But they were on his side Cause they're like
We all thought Oh this guy gets it Even better
though What you're saying is Don't say Don't
go How am I gonna follow that Yeah Right I had
to follow Seinfeld At Gotham And this is like
five years ago, and he was working out new. He
had a pad up there, and I went, don't worry,
folks, I'm going to try. And that killed because
he was working out. You take a shot at somebody.
Well, you take a shot, and you're the underdog.
So they're on your side. You take a shot at someone,
that works. Look at me, no notes. Yeah, exactly.
And it went well, but I saw Phil Hanley. It was
Rock, Louie, and then Phil Hanley had to go on,
and he goes, well, you know, the big three. And
that killed. And I was like, that's a smooth
way to do it. Yeah, that's fine. Get them on
your side. with a joke yeah you can't have a
bullshit joke to start with you got to be prepared
yeah you got to be prepared with a solid a solid
bit I mean, not your opening statement, but a
solid bit, right? I went up to Chappelle at the
store once and I just made fun of how Dummy holds
a cigarette. Ah! There you go. So I'm like, did
you just start smoking? What is that? Yeah. And
they're like, all right, we're good. God, God.
Yeah. There's something about those kind of clubs,
whether it's the cellar or the store, like those
are so important. You can't just have a club
where it's like, you know, these comics that
grow up or they come up rather in these towns
that only have like an improv and they have like
big time headliners on the wall. weekend you
know and they don't have like the store was you
could always get a spot you get a spot every
fucking night there's three rooms running simultaneously
yeah The developmental ability of a place like
that, because you could be doing a set in the
belly room for 30 people and then go downstairs
and watch Joey Diaz kill in the OR for a packed
room. Different vibes. But you were getting an
education. You were on the same circuit as these
monsters. You got to see Chappelle walk in and
Rock walk in and Louie walk in and all these
different people go up and kill. You got to see
Bird do sets there. And you were doing sets in
that same club. That is... immense for a comics
future. And then you don't even notice, too.
The guys feel like, oh, it's tough to follow
like Louis C .K., but then the under -discovered
comics who are crushers. Goddamn. Yeah, like
Fahim or D 'Elia. Fahim is wildly underrated.
Yeah, Fahim's great. Very good. Very funny guy.
But you guys grew up with a club in your town.
I didn't have that. Yeah, we came up. Not really.
I was in Harrisburg. But you had a comedy zone.
Yeah, I had a comedy zone. That's something.
That's something. There's a place to go. Something
is better than nothing. You need something. Yeah,
fuck you, man. You know, I grew up in the craziest
town ever in Boston. Privileged. Yeah. You got
lucky. There was no competition there. You could
fucking rise to the top. True. I really did.
My parents used to live in Harrisburg. Hold on.
Oh, fuck. We talked about it. Hold on. Let me
tell you this. It's ridiculous. There's a guy.
Shout out Heath the Queef. Heath the Queef. My
hero. Harrisburg Comedy Zone open mic -er. He
had one of the best jokes. He said, I think a
Chinese man... Oh, fuck. Now we realize... No,
it's so funny. Now you've got to imagine, Harrisburg
Comedy Zone. Dead. And then there's a guy on
stage who's clearly on meth. Shout out, Heath
Cleave. And he's like... Heath Cleave. He says,
I figured out how Barack Obama got his name.
He had an Asian doctor named him. His mom was
on the table, and she's like, doctor, what is
it? What is it? And he goes, oh, it's a Barack
baby. And that's where Shane got his love for
Asian humor. Isn't that funny? It's a Barack
baby? That's great. Metzger had a similar joke,
actually. Metzger and Heath McQueef were on the
same wavelength. Adderall and Metzger were really
close together. If you look at them on a chemical
spectrum. Anyway, sorry that was too long. Shut
up. I shouldn't have done those pots. There was
a guy I started out with who killed a guy with
a stick. What? Yeah, a guy I started out with
from Rhode Island, he beat a guy to death while
we were all doing stand -up. That's a closer.
Went to jail for a long time and then came back
and started doing stand -up again. Wow, he got
any time he wanted. You go on. He got in a fight
with some guy and he beat him to death with a
branch. A branch. Like a switch. Organic. Like
a club of a tree trunk. He hit him with a tree?
Like a tree branch. He hit him with a piece of
a tree. Damn. Holy shit. Well, you got to think,
how many of those guys you started out with were
like mental patients? Oh. Me and Mark were talking
about it today. The crazy different types of
people that come together. Yeah. As just like
normal friends. We are. We are. All of us. This
should have never, ever happened. Good point.
We got MMA. We got Jew face. We got Mechanic
Berg. And we got Nola. Yeah, it should have never
happened. Yeah. We needed a business for misfits.
Yes. It's a misfit business. That's a t -shirt.
Yeah, and if people want comedy, you've got to
allow... Fuck -ups. Like, the idea that you want
us to act like regular folks is ridiculous. You
should desire it. You should desire it. Like,
go for it. You gotta know that we're not mean,
but you gotta understand that, like, what we're
doing, the way we're doing it, the reason why
we're doing it that way is because it's the only
way to be really funny. To make each other laugh
about shit you're not supposed to say. Right.
Like, you can't take it at face value. That's
stupid. I mean, Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Richard
Pryor, Lenny, or, fuck. I've been drinking. Rich
Voss. Carlin. Carlin. Carlin was famous for the
seven words you can't say. That's what put him
on the map. But yeah, he's - Did he add the one?
He didn't have the N word. The eight words you
can't say. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah,
that's so true. There's a bunch of other words
you can't even say. Now it's the one word. You
can't say tranny. Because back then - Yeah. You
couldn't say tranny. You just did. Tranny, tranny,
tranny. You son of a bitch. No, when Carlin was
around, you could say the N word. Listen boys,
I'm willing to cancel all my other guests and
just do podcasts with you guys you're boring
but that's but that's the weirdest thing about
what this is like how the fuck is this these
things all together you know how is this uh debates
about mrna vaccines and they're fucking well
and also this i saw jordan peterson he did a
schultz's podcast and schultz's like i don't
know i'm just telling dick jokes and jordan peterson's
like that's important we need that yeah he's
an interesting guy I love that guy. Both of them.
I love both of them. Both wiggers. I love both
of them. How dare you? You son of a bitch. You
said it out loud. Can you say that word anymore?
You never could. You can still say bigger. You
never could, but you can say bigger. You can
say wavelength. Great minds. No coke. But no,
Schultz is killing it. Schultz is that guy. I
watched him. He filmed a special here a couple
weeks ago. What? In the studio? No, no, he filmed
a special at the Paramount. Oh, not the studio?
No. It's a little small. I mean, intimate's good,
but 20 people's weird. It's weird. All your bodyguards.
Yeah. Just honks, dude. Just former. Former military.
The fucking expendables out front. That's one
of the weirder aspects of my life now. There
was a moment, I guess two or three years ago,
where I realized I needed to hire murderers.
Yeah, you used to do it as fun. It's like, I
can get paid a job, who cares? Hire a bunch of
fucking veterans and bad motherfuckers to watch
everything. There was a certain point in time
where I was like, this thing is getting too weird.
Yeah. You're too famous. Is that a bummer? Because
fame, I don't want fame. It stinks. It stinks.
It's not good if you pay attention, but I'm great
at not paying attention. All I do is - I'm uniquely
qualified. I get Reddit and I look at it. Same.
Turns out I'm a fat retort. All I look up is
on Reddit is Shane stuff. I'm a midget. Listen,
don't read it. It's just, I just do my thing.
I live my life. I actually got to the point where
I didn't mind reading it. Yeah. It's a little
bit of snake venom. A little bit every day. And
you get a certain amount of tolerance. And after
a while, you get it. You don't need to go back
and keep getting bitten by snakes. It's like
you get it. And if you're hard enough on yourself,
if you're hard enough on yourself, you don't
need people to be hard on you all day long. Right.
And if you go online, most of what people like
to do is shit on people. It's fun. I used to
like to do it, too. If I was 15 years old and
I had a fucking Twitter account, it would have
been a disaster. People would be pulling up those
tweets to the end of time. But it hurts. I was
an asshole. I was a young kid. And I would have
been doing it for fun, just like most of the
people out there that are shitting on you in
the comments, on Instagram and Facebook and wherever.
You don't have to read it. Just you pay attention
to you. Most of them also are the dorks you're
trying to piss off. A lot of them are. The stuff
you do at the cellar and stuff, you're like,
normal people can't take this. And then some
normal person's like, I don't like this. Yeah,
right. No, normal people. I'm not talking about
reading a comment where it's like, I saw him
and he was racist. I'm talking about a dude on
Reddit that's fucking... Yeah, hard. He's hit
right times. Well, the thing is, those guys...
Rabbit punches, dude. Those guys, but if they
nail it, that's why it hurts. Because there's
something about what they're saying that's accurate.
But if you know you fucking crushed and you are
really happy with the way the material turned
out and you did a great set and then someone
shits on that, that's on them. I agree with that.
Not everybody. likes Led Zeppelin. Some people
just want to hear jazz all day. You ever see
those porcelain documentaries? Porcelain or beige
frequency? The stand -up documentaries? They're
great. What are you talking about? I don't know
what you're talking about. Dude, you just lost
your November. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to me. There
are these documentaries about stand -ups, about
stand -up comedy. Yeah. Porcelain and Beige Frequency.
And they're really, really good, well -researched.
Who made them? These guys just make them for
internet. Oh, like Norton and Jim Jefferies.
Where are some of them? I have seen them on YouTube.
They're so brutal, man. They're brutal. But they're
all dead on. They're not like taking stuff out
of context. They're taking stuff in context.
One of them. Now, this is funny. I was with my
lady, and I DM'd him at it. When I saw they reviewed
my special, I was with my girlfriend, and I was
like, you got to leave the room. I'm going to
watch this. And if this is what I think it is,
I'm going to be upset. You're a masochist. Yeah.
I watched it, and actually the guy was like,
this is pretty good. So I was like, that means
everything. Wow, that's great. They're not hit
pieces, but it often is. It rests in the negative
sometimes, and it's fucking great. But the thing
about what you would do if you were on the outside
is you would do the exact same thing. Especially,
look, who likes to attack heroes more than you
do? I love it. It's your favorite thing? I love
it. When Oprah, fucking Whitney Houston went
down and Oprah's like... With everybody. Anytime
anybody dies, I just immediately go and check
Ari's Twitter. I'm like, Jesus, Ari, how in trouble
are you? It's because everyone's saying like,
oh, I'm so hurt by it. It's like, well, shut
up. But the thing is... How many people knew
Chadwick Boseman? Shut the fuck up. Shut up.
I heard Chadwick and I was fucking pissed. That
bothered me. That's hilarious. I was pissed.
That bothered me. That one bothered me. He didn't
care about you. He loved me. He DM'd me. He was
another guy that didn't tell people he had cancer.
How about that? Another bad motherfucker who
didn't tell people. He filmed a movie. He filmed
that Last Bloods movie. That's true. But how
lame is it to be like, guys, he was amazing.
It's so boring. What a boring response. What
if someone is amazing? What? What if someone
was amazing? It's just too cliche to be like,
I love you. Yeah, I do. I do. as a comic. No,
some of those guys do hurt when they die, but
it's still like, don't say that. I'll be honest.
Norm. You didn't shit on Norm, though. I know
a cheesy post about Norm. You didn't shit on
Norm. You didn't shit on Norm. No, I said his
last words were, come see Ari's show. Is that
what you said? That's very funny. Good for you.
That's neutral. That's in character. Yeah. You
can't shit on that guy. It's just everyone's,
it's just so, it's like 9 -11. It's like, was
this, yeah, it was sad. Don't say that. I told
you about Princess Di once and a lady came after
him. I'm like, that was 20 -something years ago.
What are we doing here? The Amy Winehouse people
get mad still. Yeah. But it's fun to watch them
get mad. Well, you know, if they're on the outside
and you're shitting on their hero and they don't
even know you, like, who the fuck is this guy?
Of course they're going to think like that. Yeah.
Especially someone like Amy Winehouse who died
so young. So fucking talented. Oh, yeah. Just
couldn't stop drinking. You know, she died. What
are you guys doing over there? I don't know.
Fuck you. I was looking at fucking Surly Shane.
Irish drunk. Surly Shane's going to fucking try
to grab my dick for sure. He's going to do something.
I'm just thinking about how sick Kobe is. Whatever
happened to Kobe? He's going back strong. In
my head, I'm just like, damn, Kobe's the best,
dude. I remember the three legs dunk contest.
This motherfucker. Magic Johnson beat him. Who
would bother you the most if they died? What
person outside of this room? Like a celebrity?
Yeah, like outside of this room. Nobody would
know. Outside of this room where it would really
fuck with you if they died. I guess my dad. Norm
was up there. Norm was genuinely up there. Yeah,
I was sad when Norm died. Sandler. Sandler would
be brutal. Norm stunned me. Yeah. A sudden one
is tough. But it was a weird one. It was like,
what? Oprah. Oprah, I couldn't care less. What
would Trump say? What would Trump say? Look at
this woman. She goes on there. She talks. She's
not that. You bail out of it. I'm glad you bailed
because you've been stung before. Yeah, I have.
I have. You understand. And I've learned. I've
grown as a person. You have grown. Adam Sandler
dying would be a goddamn disaster. Dude. Shaquille
O 'Neal. It would have to be somebody doing it
right now. Larry David. In their prime now. So
then you're like, oh, we were about to get this
great new thing and now we won't get it. When
Michael Jackson dies, that's going to hurt. He's
already dead. No! Bro, he died a while ago. Shaq.
Shaq's going to be sad. Shaq's going to be a
tough one. That'll be sad. But he's so tall.
He's so lovable. I have not met him. He's a great
guy. Shaq and Charles Barkley. And Shaq seems
like he's like a Great Dane where it's like he's
old for as big as he is. Yeah, exactly. And he's
been a big sweetheart the whole time. He's got
feet up, too. He's going to fall one day and
it's going to be over. Charles Barkley's a great
guy, too. Charles Barkley rules. I love Barkley.
He's a great guy in person. You met him? Yeah,
yeah. Super nice guy. I met him for... 10 seconds
at the beginning of COVID. Me and him were the
only guys at the airport. Gave him a high five.
And then I got to my... But you can tell when
he's talking. I got to my hotel and they were
like, Charles Barkley's getting tested for COVID.
Look at everybody look away from my story. I'm
sorry, the moving image started. You're right.
Pay attention to Shane's story. You just put
the moving image on there and Shane's like, fuck
off. Fuck off, talented comedian. We have a video
of Shaq. Is he DJing? Yeah. Oh. He's been DJing.
This is like comedy. It's like anybody who cares.
He's not a sheriff anymore? Jamie. Jamie. Look
at him. Wow. Paris Hilton's a DJ. I'm watching
you on the screen. Jamie, could you go to Eggs
Tyrone Instagram? Jamie, don't do it. By the
way, Eggs Tyrone. Shout out to Eggs Tyrone. No
shout out. So what this guy does is he puts music
to videos that don't fit. So usually it's like
Muslim guys dancing and he puts in hip hop. Shit
rules. That's a great one. Ashkenazi Jews dancing.
Not this one. Well, this will probably be great.
Everything he does is great. That was great.
Everything he does is great. Keep that first
guy. Let me see that first guy. Scroll down.
Shaq Diesel right there. Oh, this one. Play that
with audio, please, for me. Oh, I've seen these
guys. They jump on the counter. Yeah, but he
adds. That's Shaq. Shaq Diesel. I didn't know
that was Shaq. I didn't either. This is amazing.
Yeah, he puts music to shit that doesn't work.
Wait, this is not real? No. I thought they were
going for it. It's a rap song. Any video you
pick is X. That's funny, though. That's funny.
Oh, my God. I saw that. I didn't realize it was
Shaq on the right. What's the real song? Who
was singing that song? That number one with a
ball? Oh, no. It's Bleak 182. Bleak 182? They
were playing Blink. No, that's Fall Out Boy.
That's Fall Out Boy? Yeah. Sugar. I'm banged
up. Bro, we gotta do a show and we have a show
that starts in 12 minutes. I cannot go on stage.
Fuck off. I can't go on stage at this point.
You guys aren't going on stage? What are you
pussies talking about? This is what we do. I
gotta get a water in me. Get a water. Suck it
up. They're joking around. Are you joking? 12
minutes? I'll go first. How much do you guys
want me to do? Well, we've got Hans Kim. Hans
Kim's going to go first. Who's that, an agent?
What the fuck? Is he a villain from a film? No.
He's a funny guy. He's an up -and -comer and
awesome. Mark, you shouldn't make jokes like
that and make fun of me on the show. Oh, sorry.
I thought you were over it. Come on. Can we just
do this every week? Mark, you shouldn't make
fun of me on the goddamn Joe Rogan experience,
dude. You make me look like a dumb idiot. No,
we're all fans. It's 76 degrees in here. Not
a bad idea. One day a week, I'll branch off and
I'll have a scientist on. Oh, Joe, we got to
tell you. Let me talk to a scientist, Joe. We
don't have a place to stay. Let me get in there.
We don't have a place to stay. Can we stay at
your house? Yeah, you want to. Can we all stay
at your house tonight? Let me ask my wife. Wait,
can we actually stay at your house? But I'll
definitely, with the promise, my kids are asleep.
We're not planning a party with your kids tonight.
You're going to make noise. I want to meet the
kids. Shane snores for sure. For sure. For sure.
I'm great with kids. How do you know? I know
you snore, dude. How do you know? You got a thick
neck. I wear a mouthpiece. I wear a mouthpiece
to keep from snoring. You put a mouthpiece in
to go to bed. He snored so bad he had to get
technology involved. Yeah. No, I had to. I have
sleep apnea. Before you go to bed, you go, goodnight,
honey. Yeah, I put my mouthpiece in. Like an
MMA mouthpiece? I fuck with it on. I don't respect
women enough to not snore in front of them. Well,
the problem is I don't sleep good. I will choke
in the sleep in the middle of the night. I snore
too. I have sleep apnea. Oh, I'm getting there.
Yeah. You can get there. Oh, I'm there. Did you
notice it where you would literally be like...
Like when you wake up, you're like, oh, I'm out
of breath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, fuck, I'm already
there. I got sleep apnea. I guarantee you haven't.
I was stunned when I found out how bad it is.
It's an obese person's disease. It's fat people.
Well, you're 75 years old, dude. Okay, Reggie
White died of it. Back in his day, they just
died. They didn't know any better. They didn't
even write it down. That's how Reggie White died.
I actually wouldn't mind a little bit of sleep
apnea as far as me passing away. You have it.
Congratulations. I do. I know I have it. You
definitely have it. Yeah. I'm looking at you.
You have it. Joey has it. Joey brings a machine
with him. You think I'm Joey Diaz? No, you're
not that bad. God damn it. Joey has a CPAP machine
that he brings with him. Yeah, he does. It changes
life. My dad does that. He sleeps like a baby
with that thing. God damn it. My girlfriend's
always like, I thought you were going to die.
It's like that. Yeah, that one. Do you think
you have it? I think I have it. You got abs.
Yeah, but I can't breathe. At night, I snore
so loud. Sleep on your back. I do. Sleep on your
stomach. It's an anatomy thing. It's your tongue
and the hole. Some guys have a big dick. Some
guys have a little mouth hole. You keep making
fun of my weight. I'm not making fun of it. I'm
legitimately concerned for you. I'm not making
fun of it. I think it's fine. You know what we
need to do? You know what we need to do? What?
Save the park, man. You pussy. Bro, let's save
the park or something. I'm 70. Oh, my God. With
his frail bones waving a sign. You're the guy
doing Tai Chi at 4 a .m. He's holding up a sign
with his bad shoulder and it hurts. With none
of his antibodies. Zero antibodies. Biden voter,
dude. You took the vaccine and it barely worked
on you. I haven't got it! The three of us in
this room have amazing... You didn't get the
vaccine? I didn't get the virus. I think it's
fake. I think it's fake. You have company on
Reddit. That's right. I don't like saying the
vaccine's fake because that's not the type of
guy I am. How about this? The COVID virus is
as bad as the Holocaust. Wow. Either happened
or didn't. You might be exaggerating. You know
what? I don't like this. Oh, my God. Can I get
another BL? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to hurry
up. The show starts in eight minutes. The show
starts when we get there. Dude, when I was on
the road with Rogan, he would always leave like
40 minutes late for no reason. That's not true.
You're exaggerating. And then we get to the show,
like, hey, it was supposed to start five minutes
ago. And Joe's like, hey, they're not going to
start without us. Whatever. But I go in, like,
you're on right now. Hans Kim can stretch. It's
a little bit of an exaggeration. A little bit.
thing. I didn't want him to freak out before
the show. I'm like, it doesn't matter. We're
here. We're the show. And when we started doing
theaters, especially, they always started late.
They never see people on time. What are you,
a black comic? Come on. We got a show to do.
I'm there on time, but I'm not, like, I know
the show's not gonna start at 8. You gotta watch
what you say. Some of the stuff you said tonight.
Has pissed me off. Oh, shit. Sorry. He's on number
eight, ladies and gentlemen. Bud Light number
eight. These guys have fun, dude. He just gets
them. They just pile up. You don't even know.
Oh, yeah. I like how he's in an IV drip of alcohol,
essentially. And then I'm like, I like to take
it in fucking pill form. It gets stuck right
away. Vodka form. Bud Lights are barely booze.
The Shane Buzz. That's what they say. And then
you drink ten of them. Yeah. And that's the move.
That's the move. You guys do IVs? Why don't you
guys move here, please? I'll move here. Open
that club. I'll move here. It's on the way. We're
going to see it. Get it. Jesus Christ. That's
a keeper. That's like a little trumpet. That's
a keeper. That's why we do this. A lot of guys
got excited about fucking your butt after hearing
that. Like, that is a tight little trumpet. Bring
it on, gays. Some bitch scientist is going to
be on that mic. Like, hey, Joe, have you thought
about this? Some bitch scientist. Just talking
straight to a fart. Son of a bitch. You got Elon
Musk on this mic. We're going to put a plastic
bag over that and seal it until the next time
you're here so you can smell your own fart. I
wish Bernie Sanders had smelled that. Jamie,
buy an extra mic so that no one uses that mic
ever again. No, no, no. Let Jamie Rush remove
that every week. If I will never get the scientist,
you're going to ruin my business model. Joe,
Joe. My fourth fart. I need to tell you about
this. No, give me Trump. I thought that was Trump.
Trump it. No, Joe. Give me Trump with scientists.
Joe, there's a lot of scientists out there. There's
these guys. They come in here. They talk to you.
They don't know what they're saying. They talk
to you about. Getting pussy, I get pussy a lot
of times. When you're drunk, he gets better.
Yeah, true. Trump gets better. We'll have a little
more. You know that Trump dating thing? Yes.
You know the chick who's into him at the end?
Yes, yes, yes. That's my social media manager.
Oh, that's hilarious. That's hilarious. I wonder
if Trump has seen your Trump. I bet he has. I
bet he has. We made a video called. Me and McKeever
worked for this guy. I'm not going to name him.
Russell McKeever? Anyway, we made a video and
Don Jr. retweeted it. Shut up. We made one sketch
and we were like, let's not make it political.
immediately Don Jr. retweeted like fuck I guess
it was Don Jr. and I had a mutual friend and
he committed suicide Jesus ah man you keep doing
that is it the same guy that jumped off that
bridge different guy a lot of guys kill him yeah
I know quite a few guys are they Clintons or
are they killing themselves no this guy unfortunately
Did himself in. But Don Jr. is very online savvy.
It's hilarious when you watch the son of a president
who is making shit jokes about the vice president.
Pull up his page. He's got a meme about Biden
farting. Remember, this is a guy who is very
politically visible. He's the son of the president
of the United States, the most polarizing president
ever. This is the kind of shit that he puts on
his Instagram. Look at this. It's Joe Biden standing
next to the Pope, and the Pope says, was that
a fart? And Biden says, some of it. Wow. I mean,
how crazy is this? Who are these people that
liked it? Anybody? Who checks? Who's Ricky? 294
,000 people. I know. You go get an audit. No,
but who's Ricky Bell, whatever the... Well, James
Vick is a dude who used to fight in the UFC.
Shout out to James Vick. Shout out to James Vick.
One of the best DJs in the world. I mean, my
dad would literally jerk off to that meme. It's
a funny meme. That would make my dad... That's
hilarious. Probably, by the way, made in Russia.
That meme? Yeah. That's the thing about a lot
of these memes that people don't know. There's
a thing called the Internet Research Agency in
Russia. Russians are hilarious. And this woman
that's been on this podcast named Renee DiResta,
and she did like a deep dive into this thing.
She found hundreds of thousands of hilarious
memes, and they had come out of Russia. So all
these memes shitting on Hillary Clinton and like
a lot of them you get that are hilarious, they're
made in Russia, and they're made to sow the seeds
of dissent. That they're so funny that they're
divisive. Russian comedians. They're obviously
hilarious. It's a different style of comedy.
Meme style is so different than stand -up. That's
true. It's so different. I've never made a single
meme. Have you made a couple? Yeah, you make
a meme, it's fun. It's a style of thinking, though,
that you don't... You could be a guy in a cubicle.
Yeah, you make a meme, it's pretty good. And
they look at us for expert analysis. Beer number
10, look at his fucking pile. He goes so fast.
Some of them are from the Russians. A lot of
people are saying the Russians are making the
memes. Not good. I don't think Russians have
comedy clubs. Not good. Do they? Do they have
comedy clubs in Russia? That's a very good question.
I guarantee you. Russia, Moscow. Gaffigan. Schultz
did Russia. Schultz went to Russia like a fucking
gangster and just did stand -up and wasn't even
sure if they could speak English. Schultz has
been everywhere. That's pretty Schultz -like.
That's Schultz. He's a bad motherfucker. He's
the best. He's such a great guy. I like Schultz.
I do too. I like Schultz. I like Schultz. Wow.
What are you doing with your fingers? He's trying
to get them sniffed. I'm getting rowdy. Ari,
you might have to fight him. That's him on stage
in front of a bunch of Russians. Oh, wow. Schultz
will go anywhere, and he sells out. I love it.
I love that he did it. In Russian culture, it's
very disrespectful to slap the mic against your
thigh. I thought that was Chappelle's gig. Chappelle
fucked that up for everybody. Every black comic.
Look how Russian that crowd looks. White crowd
in Russia. Oh, my God. It looks like a bunch
of fucking pale assassins. Well, they're Russian.
And a lot of ladies, too. A lot of ladies. That's
a great club, by the way. Look at the fucking
dynamics. That's what you want. Can we get the
name of that club? Do me a favor, Jamie. Take
a screenshot of exactly that and send it to me
because that's the perfect size stage. Hold on.
I want to show you this. Yeah, I'm going to send
it to you. Oh, for the thing. For your club.
Do it in Trump. What? I'll shut up then. Joe,
when's your club going to open? I don't know
what you're going to say. We'll talk tomorrow.
I'll show you what we need to do and what's going
to happen, but it's pretty awesome. It's going
to be amazing. Exciting. I'm excited. Gun range?
I'm fucking pumped. No, but there's one that's
nearby that I have a membership to. Let's drink
and go. Well, we have to do a show. I've been
thinking about buying an MPX ever since you and
me went to that fucking... Oh, yeah. I took Shane
to Terra Tactical. Oh, really? In L .A.? We shot
guns. Terra Tactical? Exactly. You guys were
in L .A. together? He was in L .A., and I said,
what are you doing? I said, do you want to shoot
guns? He's like, fuck yeah. So I took him, and
they taught him how to shoot guns. What was that?
Went through a tactical course. What was that?
Yeah, of course. No, because I think less of
you than most people do, so it's like a negative
thing, I thought. I like shooting guns, and then
he said, let's shoot guns. Shit was cool. You're
reading into it. But he got a chance to do a
whole. I'll kill you with a gun, dude. You're
lucky there's not a gun here, dude. What would
you do? What would you do? I'd go like this.
Pistol whip and Mozambique. That's not bad. That's
not bad. Mozambique. That's what it's called,
that move? I would fucking kill you with a gun.
It's two to the chest, one to the head. Damn.
That's the Mozambique. That's how you would be
treated by me, with a firearm. Wouldn't you feel
like a stupid -ass idiot? You wouldn't do it.
I'll treat you like fucking Gomez will treat
Ellis. I'll fucking knock you down. $1 ,000.
What am I going to spend it on? Ellis is about
to fucking rain terror on Gomez. Give me that
$1 ,000. I want it at once. That poor son. What
am I going to do with that $1 ,000? I should
donate it. I drank enough to be back on Lewis.
If you donate something I hate, I'll be so mad
at you. I'll donate it to get rid of the East.
river park to the real estate developers they're
like what the fuck is this let's put all the
donation joe you buy it joe buy the park how
much can you get a park for i don't know you
can do it dude you gotta call de blasio and get
it get a piece imagine imagine if that guy becomes
president And treats the United States the way
he does. What the fuck are you talking about?
Look who's president. Look who's president now.
He didn't get ousted. He did two terms as the
mayor. And he wasn't allowed to do more? Is that
how it works? I don't know, but he's not the
mayor anymore. He's got like a couple of months
left. He's basically a lame duck. Who? Biden
is the biggest fucking government agent in the
planet. He's the president of the United States
of America. Pretty sweet. And he can barely talk.
I'll tell you what, if Joe Biden was here right
now, I might give him a knuckle sandwich. Dude,
you should. What would you say to him? If you
were Trump and you were talking to Joe Biden?
Wow, this guy, what a failure. Why is that, John?
I feel like their sons would get along. Do you
think he pooped his pants? Is that real? Yeah,
they would. A lot of people say he pooped his
pants. He went to the Vatican. The Pope, more
like the poop. That's what we said. Poop. A lot
of us had a lot of jokes about that. Poop Benedict.
Or whatever. Both their sons are co -kids. Yeah,
they would get along. That's an interesting point.
Uh -huh. I don't know if Don Jr. is a co -kid.
Do you think Don Jr. is a co -kid? Is that what
you're saying? Yeah. I didn't say that. I bought
it off him. I'm in. I don't think this is a true
story. That's probably true. They do look like
they do. Let's hope he doesn't get litigious.
How about that? There's nothing wrong with being
a cokehead. I don't think he's a cokehead. No,
nobody's a cokehead. But Biden's kid likes to
party. I'm telling you what. If I had to choose
one dude to go to New Orleans with, it would
be Biden's kid. Hunter Biden? Oh, yeah. 100%.
If there's a fucking president's son that's ever
lived that I want to hang out with, I'd try to
get him in here. What? Hunter Biden? Yes. He's
an artist. Yes. Wow. That would be good. He'd
be like, I trust you. Show me a good time. Well,
this is what I would say, honestly, and this
is my thought going forward, if he ever listens
to this. I'm not trying to make you look bad.
No, you never do that. I couldn't imagine what
it would be like to be the son of a president,
and I'm not going to ask any embarrassing questions
about money. I want to know about your art. I
want to know about... Your art. Yeah. Bro, he's
selling... Are you interested in his art? No,
no, no. He's selling a shitload of money. If
he wasn't the vice president's son, you wouldn't
be interested in his art. Of course I would be
because he's the vice president's son. He's selling
art for like $100 ,000. No, he's the president's
son, not just the vice president. Oh, did I say
vice president? Vice president and then president.
How dare you disrespect the... Disrespectful?
You don't believe in democracy. I'll come over
there and give you a shank leg kick. Look, it's
art. It fails to attract visitors after sparking
controversy pricing one of his paintings at 500k.
Hunter, holler at your boy. We can fix this.
Man, he's got beautiful eyes. He's a handsome
man. What if he had to do blow on his side and
come back every 20 minutes? He likes to party.
He's got Coke lips. They're all dried out. He
did a little Coke. He likes to party. But I don't
want to attack this guy. I don't. It's not his
fault that his fucking dad used to be the vice
president and then became the president. It's
not his fault that he got hooked on Coke. A lot
of friends that I have that have been hooked
on Coke. Wasn't there more damning things other
than Coke? There was a laptop. What about wives
of brothers or something? There's a little bit
of that. Listen, dude, they're Illuminati. you.
You wouldn't be in here for that episode. Listen,
if you ever want to find that information out,
you can go online. I want to find out, like,
what is it like to be that guy? That's my take
on things. Anybody can talk scandalous and make
them uncomfortable. I want to make them comfortable.
I want to know, like, look, you're a human fucking
being. I would be him if I was in his life. So
would you. So would you. So would you. We would
all be him if we were born in that fucking family.
No, I'd still be Jack. I'd be Jack no matter
what. And then I'll keep it quiet. The son's
a powerful person. Look at Chet Hanks. He's fucked.
Chet Hanks is fucked. It's like that old expression.
Yeah, he does a lot of rapping. Chet Hanks is
not fucked, dude. White boy summer. Chet Hanks.
White boy summer. Shout out Chet Hanks. Damn
rude boy. Damn real rude boy. Chet Hanks. I like
him. Oh, my God. I think he's good. He made a
fucking LP and it went number one. It would go
number one. It would go number one and signal
the end of society. I'm surprised it hasn't happened
already. It's going to happen. By the way, Hans
Kim is shitting blood right now. He's at the
show. He's been working with me for a long time.
The show starts at 8? Yeah. We're good. How far
is it? What have you been saying about me all
this time? The show will start when we get there.
I didn't really mind when that happened. Shane's
up first. They're waiting on him. Listen, Ari.
You think I'm first? I thought you said that.
We made this work with you. We ran shut. We made
this work. That was a Josh. I just joked. He
seems like a fun guy. Okay, stop this. Stop this
right now. Get him off the screen. I'm terrified
that that could be my son. He's joking. Wait,
you have a son? No, but if I had one. Oh. That
kid. I was going to say, I got turned on. I watched
the interview with him. You got turned on? Did
you see him talk about Biden? No, but he was
doing the thing there. He's like, oh, everybody,
I need you to get your vaccines. I need you to
do that. In the honor of President Biden. Fuck
that damn blood clot, President Biden. It's so
funny. If this was a weekly show, it would be
the biggest show in the fucking country. This
would be a fun one. It would be the greatest
show in the country. We should do it. We need
a block in here. We should figure out a way to
stop on our way somewhere. Yeah, I'd pass away.
Listen, I'll fly you guys in anytime you want
to do it. Really? That's a big offer, Joe. 100%.
Easy, Joe Joe Rabbit. Let me know. We take those
Delta pre -choosing seats. And news radio money.
Anytime. Anytime. I got hardball money. So we
stand at your place. I did tell Joe. I was like,
hey, we're going to be in Houston on this day.
Can we sleep at your house? No. Can I sleep at
your house? If everyone knew in advance, the
problem is I can't have you snoring and my fucking
11 -year -old comes running into my room. Where's
the gun? Daddy, where's the gun? My 11 -year
-old knows how to shoot a gun. Can I sleep in
your house? Jamie, your place? If my kids knew...
Can I sleep in your house? Listen, my kids will
shoot you, and I'm not kidding. What the heck?
They're going to shoot me? If they didn't know
you were in the house, and you were in the house
in the hallway, they'll fucking shoot you. Why
the fuck are your kids shooting me? They don't
know you. Because they're trained, dude. They
don't know you. They're trained. Tell them I'm
coming. No, no, no. You're a big white guy who
snores. It's not going to end well. If you were
black, it'd be all right. I thought his middle
name was Tactical. Can I sleep in the guest room?
You can sleep in the guest room. I can lay out
some sleeping bags in the gym. I'm in. That's
all we need. I've slept in worse. We're like
refugees at the border. I will tell you, as soon
as I made this offer, I was like, hey, we're
going to be in Houston on the 3rd. Any interest
in having a podcast on the 2nd? Joe's like, yes,
I'm in. Lock it up. 100%. Yeah, I was ready to
cancel anything that was in the way. Really?
Yeah. Some dork scientists? I'll fly those dork
scientists in next week. Bring a dork scientist
out here. I'll give him a knuckle of sand. I'll
fucking cure for cancer. You can bring your mom.
You can bring your wife. I'll give you a vacation
in Austin. I just need to do this. That's the
thing that I miss the most about comedy is hanging
with comedians. It's the best. It's the best.
You hear that, Lex Friedman, you fucking nerd?
Yeah. Take the suit off. You don't like Lex Friedman?
I love him. We texted earlier. He actually sent
me a text about you, about how funny you were.
He's a great guy. Do you want to punch him in
the belly? No, I think he could fuck me up. He
knows jujitsu. He does it in a full suit. Yeah,
you're a black belt in sucker punches. You got
that right. I whizzed myself. He's experienced
it. Sucker Punches? Yes. Did you guys wet the
bed ever as a kid? Oh, yeah. We did a whole podcast
about it. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Builds character.
There's a feeling when you're a kid, when you
are in a dream, and you move up to a urinal.
Yeah, that's all it is. And you start to pee.
Every time. And then you realize you're not reeling.
You're like, oh, shit, I'm sleeping. Oh, fuck,
this again. That's what R. Kelly was doing. Were
you a bed wetter? I definitely have definitely
pissed the bed. No, no, no. I mean, that's really
weird. No, not regular. Do you think R. Kelly
was sleepwalking this whole time? The whole time.
He was dreaming he was peeing, and then the lady
was in his way. In urinals? Yeah. Some girl was
in his way and he was urinating. Do you think
in R. Kelly's dreams he pisses on this short
urinal? That's a little lady. A child urinal.
Her face was a urinal cake. A knee urinal. Hitting
the bullseye. Oh my God, a midget. You ever hear
this fucking trapped in the closet? Trapped in
the closet is good. It's unbelievable. But it's
not as good as that. Do you have your shots?
Are you vaccinated? No. Do you want to come to?
You have to be vaccinated, Joe. To go where?
To Rob's house. Who? Do you want to come to Rob's
house? Do you have your shots? Oh, that's right.
That was different. He meant like. Like, you
know, like hepatitis. Yeah. Oh, do you want to
come to America? Yeah. That's right. Come to
America to live it right. Real talk. Real talk
is one of the greatest things that's ever been
done. And because he's going to jail, we can
probably replay it. No. Real talk. Oh, yeah.
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking
clothes. Real talk. Wow. Sanjay Gupta. You never
seen this? Give me some vibes. Oh, shit. We're
going to close it out on this. I think it's a
million views. I just want to say to everyone.
listening. I'm the luckiest person that's ever
lived. You got that right. Because I... Play
that. What are you doing? I said it was behind
the scenes. I wanted to make sure it was the
right time. No, that's the show. I know. It's
misleading. That's a cool joke. I just wanted
to make sure. It does have six main views. It
starts with this, and then this is how it starts.
He starts about smoking stogies and talking and
explaining. That's what we're doing. And then
the music plays. We're R. Kelly. But back it
up a little bit. We're R. Kelly. I just want
to make sure that we didn't skip it. Hey, this
is for R. Kelly. Have fun. Listen, by no means
do we endorse any of the atrocities that R. Kelly
has committed. Atrocities? Joe does not speak
for me. You're talking about guys having fun?
I speak for Spotify. Give me some volume. I've
peed on many kids in my day, but I was letting
the bed. Let's just go right to the song. I've
lost control of the crowd. Look at his hair.
His hair is all over the place. He's smoking
Sogis. He's doing it for the fans. You forgot
to take the sticker off. No, no, no. The glasses
say Gucci, so everyone knows. Oh. Here it goes.
I was at a club with who? With who? Uh -oh. Get
the fuck off. She was 12. It gets better. It
gets better. Hold, please. What? Listen to this.
This doesn't look like a dungeon. Girl, I'm not
about to sit up here and argue with you about
who's to blame. I'll call no names. Real talk.
See, girl. Only thing I'm trying to establish
with you is not. Establish. What's right? What's
wrong? Oh, she's doing his hair. Real talk. Hold
it. Listen to this. Wait for this. Is that a
house phone? Hold on. Uh -oh. Oh, she's interrupting
him. Yeah. Real talk. Imagine this guy's on the
phone with his friends like that. He's playing
cards. We're just trying to have a good time,
dude. Bullshit on my mind! Every man can relate
to this. You listen to this. What year is this?
The 80s. I don't know. We played this on the
podcast about 100 times. Look at that keyboard.
2005. Are they playing dominoes? All right, for
real, let's give a shout out to R. Kelly. This
is my favorite part. He tells, bitch, I wish
you would burn my motherfucking clothes. Do they
get Spotify in jail? No, they don't. You never
know. I don't. Jails are getting pretty good.
You never know. They might smuggle it in their
ass. Lori Loughlin's having a good time. We should
probably get to our show. Yeah. You call my mama's
house. Oh, my God. Stretch. Someone's stretching.
Oh, my God. Keep going. Mark Kelly is the best.
Listen to this. This is not even a song. It's
better. It's better. It's better. Here we go.
That's it. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman,
I love you. Shane Gillis, I love you. Mark Norman,
out to lunch on YouTube right now. I'm apathetic
about your existence. I love you all. I love
everybody listening. Go see these guys tomorrow?
No, it's way sold out. Try to scalp some tickets.
Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Ari Shaffir. Find
them on social media. And we're going to try
to get them moved to Texas. Goodbye.