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"Welcome to this curated educational transcript of the Joe Rogan Experience. In this session, we provide a deep-dive examination of the critical perspectives and historical dialogues presented in Episode #1728. Our mission is to offer a high-fidelity, searchable research resource for students of cultural history, emerging technology, and global discourse. This transcript has been specifically optimized for academic reference, linguistic study, and archival preservation regarding Contemporary Satire, Stand-up Comedy Industry, and the Psychology of Creative Independence."
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan

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Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by

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night, all day. This is basically a super show,

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ladies and gentlemen. Shane Gillis. Hey, super

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spreader of love. Ari Shafir. And Mark Norman

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with a mask on. Hey. He's got a shtick going.

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Just want to be safe. We just saw your antibodies.

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We all have antibodies except Ari. I have other

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things, guys. I'm on a different level. You have.

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The most bitch -ass antibody line from that vaccine.

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Auschwitz. And you had it in June? So July, August,

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September, October, November. Five months, it's

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useless. July, August, September, October, November.

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Five months. Useless. Does nothing. The weaker

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people. And yet I've never gotten it. I've survived

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everything. Overdoses. It's amazing. It's amazing.

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Yeah, resilience. Maybe it's all the drugs. Maybe

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it's the drugs. Kills everything else. Kills

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brain cells. Can't kill those cells. Right. That's

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good. I like how you're thinking. Prove me wrong.

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Fauci hasn't weighed in on that. Well, there

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was a lot of talk about people that smoke cigarettes.

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They were saying that people that smoke cigarettes

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are less likely to catch it. And they were trying

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to figure out why. And someone made this theory,

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said, well, you've got to think about what cigarettes

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are. It's hot smoke. You're taking in hot smoke

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in your lungs in the very area where coronavirus

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replicates. It replicates in your throat and

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in your nostrils. So these people, I mean, it's

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a dumb idea. It's not like smoking cigarettes

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will kill. Maybe that works. But you'd have to

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smoke a lot. You'd have to do it like, you know,

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like Wiz Khalifa style. Being inactive and drinking

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has helped me. Yeah. You get into less bad situations.

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Yeah. I just haven't gotten. Well, I got it.

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Well, you got it. You guys both got it. I'm fighting

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it off. Yeah. All three of you got it. I was

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recently exposed. Yeah, you were. Shane just

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went through it. Sorry about that. You have the

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other line. You have the lower line that's a

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recent exposure line. Mark Norman, you've got

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some fat -ass antibodies. How do you feel about

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that? I don't think they're that fat. Mine were

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fat as hell. Yours were thin. I was going to

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get to that. You got a hell of a piece. Joe was

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chirping until he saw my lines. Yours is exactly

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the same as mine. Yeah, I know. Well, congratulations

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on being like me. When you've been canceled,

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your line gets thicker. Better or worse. The

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more you get canceled, the more your line builds

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up your social immunity as well. I've been through

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one in like a year and a half, so mine are all

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weakened. Time for another death tweet. Get Chappelle

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in here. It'll be this thick. Yeah, right now.

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But meanwhile, when the guy goes on stage, I

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filmed him going on stage when we did... New

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Orleans or Nashville? I think New Orleans. It's

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the fucking craziest sound you've ever heard

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in your life. Really? Oh, my God. They're so

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happy he's there. How was New Orleans, though?

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Because they can be notoriously shitty audiences.

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They were great. It was wild. It was wild. No,

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it was wild. The same thing with Louis. When

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he went up to the cellar, it was always like

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explosions. Yeah. People are happy. People are

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happy. It's a small percentage of very loud people

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that are canceling him, and all of them didn't

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see the special. That's why there's no quotes.

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Right. If you notice the thing about Chappelle,

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all the hate. One word quotes. He finds them,

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quote unquote, funny. Yeah. Someone said, I had

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a guy on the other day, Rob Kearney, who goes

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by the name World's Strongest Gay on Instagram.

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He's a power lifter who happens to be a gay guy.

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And that was the thing that bothered him. He

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said that he finds them, that Chappelle saying

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he finds them funny. He thought it was, you know.

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At some point, aren't we all just supposed to

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be like, whatever this is, is a misquote. Anything

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you're exposed to is probably a misquote. Like

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everyone. If you're not hearing it in context,

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he, I mean, in the same special, Chappelle literally

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talks about being molested and jerking off in

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a man's face. That's funny. And he beat up a

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lesbian in the special. No one cares about that.

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Exactly. About who's tenderizing her titties.

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Yes. Hitting her with lefts and rights. And like,

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it's absurd to the extreme. And yet they focus

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on one thing he says as if it's a statement.

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Yeah. You know, as if he's giving an affidavit.

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People are done with it. And then they all walk

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out. But there was like real strikes at John

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Deere and Kellogg that nobody cared about. What

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was the real strikes? Yeah, they were all getting

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horrible work conditions, so they all striked.

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... ... Well, what about the sanitation workers

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in New York City? That's what's crazy. They could

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bring the city to their knees. Those are the

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most important people in the city. NYPD, too.

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Yeah. Well, NYPD, there's quite a few. And fire

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department, too. They're shutting down a bunch

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of firehouses because they don't want to get

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vaccinated. It's crazy, man. Sanitation's striking

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over that? Yeah. Vaccination mandates. They have

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the utmost power. Yes. Because also, you've got

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a train to come in. Anybody can be a teacher.

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I lived in New York when it went really bad in

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the 90s. In the 90s, there was a sanitation strike.

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that lasted a long time and there was fucking

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six foot piles of garbage. Wow. Is that every

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night? Yeah. It feels like that. Damn. It's like

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it moves. You ever see the moves? Oh, the rats.

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And the hobos. The rats are insane. They're insane.

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The rats are just running around. You ever seen

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that documentary on Netflix? Rats? Yeah. I can't

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watch that shit. When you find out how many rats

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are actually in New York City, you're like, oh,

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my God. The same biomass as people, if not more.

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Yeah. Yeah, imagine. You ever jump down on the

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tracks before on the subway? No. I used to skateboard.

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My board rolled down there, and I was like 21,

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so I was a young kid. come guzzler and i just

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jumped down there to grab it and it was just

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rats everywhere scurrying and then you you know

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everybody's like what are you crazy and i jumped

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out and it's uh deceivingly tall that ledge so

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like it comes up to here which is hard to get

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up i had to get up and then you know I made it,

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but I was covered in shit. Well, here's the other

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thing. Like, grabbing something and holding onto

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a wall with your hands and pulling yourself up

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and then getting your upper body, it takes a

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lot of strength. Yeah, I can't get out of a pool.

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Exactly, and that's more. I got to do the thing

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where I, like, lay and roll up. Oh, yeah, the

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old roll out. There's steps on the other side.

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I'll go for another lap. You ever see that thing

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that people do on a bar called a muscle up? Where

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you start from a hanging sit -up, and then you

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push all the way up. Fucking very hard to do.

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You see that guy fall off the building? Who tried

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to do it, but there's nothing to grab onto? What?

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No. In Tokyo or wherever? No. Wait. Yeah. He

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tried to do pull -ups, you know, the parkour

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pull -ups, and then he was like, couldn't do

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the last one, and he was like, oh, shit. And

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you see him go, what am I going to do? And then

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he's just like, the guy's filming from across

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the way, and he's just like, truck. Nope. And

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then false. Yeah, it was those dudes that were

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taking pictures, like, filming themselves, like

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Russian kids. I think his was on, like, a crane.

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He went to, like, the edge of a crane. His arms

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just gave out to me. Oh, Ari's going to show

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it to us. He hung there for, like, a minute.

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Here, let me put that on for you. Jamie's going

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to show it to us. That's a big TV. It's a big

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TV. Oh, God. It's not the one I saw. Fucking

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Russians, man. They're crazy. Oh, my God. My

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hands are sweating just watching this. No, it's

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Asia. China. This might be a Mexican on the wall.

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Man who scales China. Oh, look at him. He's on

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top of the building. He's chilling. This is rough.

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Jesus Christ. I can't watch. He's a baller. Right

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here. Right here. He's like, I can do anything.

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What? Are they going to show the drop? Yeah.

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Not all the way down. Anyone else hard? Where

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does he know he's not going to be able to get

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back up? So he's hanging? He's fine right there.

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Oh, my God. Don't push it. Don't push it. Why'd

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you push it? He's doing two chin -ups. That's

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it. That should be enough. That should be enough.

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Oh, my God. He realizes he can't make it. Oh,

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Jesus. Oh, no. It's done. He's got to make one

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jump. It's like that free fall movie with the

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guy, the rock climber. Oh, shit. Oh, he's fucked.

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He's fucked. This is the end. He should say...

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What do you do there? You die. You say a prayer.

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Oh, my God. That is so far. Oh, jeez. Louise.

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What a way to start. My hands are so sweaty.

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You know James Kingston? Do you know who he is?

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He's a guy who's been on the podcast a few years

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back, and he does a lot of those videos with

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GoPros, and he put one up on his Instagram page

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today of him walking on the top of the Eiffel

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Tower, and you're watching him do it. It's just

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like, oh. Eiffel? Eiffel. I said Eiffel, right?

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Yeah. I fucked it up. But he's walking on the

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top of this tower on these beams, like, just,

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you know, four inches wide. And he's balancing

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himself. Look at this. Wow. This is where a black

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guy goes. This is white people shit. 100 % white

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people shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, man. This

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just drives me nuts. Beautiful city. You ever

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see the guy try to test out a flight suit on

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the Eiffel Tower? No. Back in the day, there

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was a guy trying to fly. Did it not work? No,

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it's great. He just dies in front of everyone.

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What? He's like, everyone, I invented flight.

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Bro, the worst one I ever saw. Just try to save

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it. Just straight down. The worst one I ever

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saw was these people on a bridge, and this guy

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in a flight suit was timing it where he was going

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to fly through the bridge, and he missed it.

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And he slams right into the side of the bridge

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with this loud clang. This is him? He's like,

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watch this. Check this shit out. 1912. Look at

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that thing. It's like a blanket. That guy was

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suicidal. He just wanted everybody to watch.

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He got a permit for this. Oh, what kind of permits

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did they have? Oh, geez. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh.

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That was the wrong brother. Go back to what it

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says. Look at this. The parachute failed to deploy,

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and he plummeted 187 feet to his death. His right

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leg and arm were crushed, his skull and spine

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broken, and he was seen bleeding from his mouth,

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nose, and ears. He didn't even a little bit get

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it. No. No glide at all. Rewind a little. I think

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they dragged him away. I don't think there was

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any, like, don't move him. That's how they did

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it back then. Yeah. They just didn't want to

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leave a puddle. Like, ah, it didn't work. Oh,

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my God, they're dragging him away. Everything's

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crushed. They're holding onto his broken leg.

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Look at the indentation he made in the ground.

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Look, they're measuring it. He was still less

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injured than Tom Segura. This was entertainment

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back then. Yeah. This was pre -internet. Like,

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hey, here are guys jumping off the thing. Yeah,

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let's go. Wow. Wow. I don't understand that stuff.

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I don't even understand parachute people. Why

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do you want to do that? You've never skydived?

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No. I've never done it either. You say it like

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I should have done it. You feel like you have.

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I thought you did a podcast in the air. I see

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you guys skydiving. I would, but I don't want

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to. I would have, but my dad did it in the army

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when Arabs were shooting at him. It was like

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a pussy move to be like, I did it for fun with

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the dude strats in my asshole. That's hilarious.

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It looks awesome, and everybody says after you

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do it, it's like the most refreshing, best moment

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of your life, but I got no desire. I think that

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first part of just having a guy strapped to me.

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That ruins it. I bet you get used to being up

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there after like two seconds. Sure. How many

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times do you have to do it before you can do

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it on your own? Five? You just go to a cheaper

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place. You do it once if no one's looking. Just

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go to South America. It's like some of those

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dive sites. Like, is this patty? Like, it's whatever

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you want it to be. 25 jumps. Oh, man, I was way

00:10:56.200 --> 00:10:58.639
off. That's a lot, though. That's a lot. And

00:10:58.639 --> 00:11:00.820
that ain't cheap either. Yeah. And you got to

00:11:00.820 --> 00:11:04.299
take a class. So fuck that. Red Band's dad worked

00:11:04.299 --> 00:11:06.879
in this office building with this person. I think

00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:09.899
it was a lady that was really into skydiving

00:11:09.899 --> 00:11:11.659
and was always trying to get him to go skydiving.

00:11:11.700 --> 00:11:13.980
And one day he shows up Monday morning and the

00:11:13.980 --> 00:11:16.539
person's not there. I think it was a lady. And

00:11:16.539 --> 00:11:21.139
he's like, where is she? And you're like. Didn't

00:11:21.139 --> 00:11:25.179
make it. Skydived. Parachute didn't deploy. Bounced

00:11:25.179 --> 00:11:28.340
off the ground like a fucking frisbee. I feel

00:11:28.340 --> 00:11:31.639
like your business is done then. Well, that job.

00:11:32.240 --> 00:11:34.659
you need to find a new person for. Yeah. You

00:11:34.659 --> 00:11:36.500
cash in for a week or two while people sell their

00:11:36.500 --> 00:11:38.480
reservations. But that's a bad trip advisor.

00:11:38.860 --> 00:11:40.600
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's over. You know, that Yelp

00:11:40.600 --> 00:11:42.639
review. I heard about a guy who survived his

00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:44.220
parachute didn't deploy and he fell through a

00:11:44.220 --> 00:11:47.539
barn and he lived. Whoa. He fell through a barn,

00:11:47.639 --> 00:11:49.700
through the roof of a barn and into like stacks

00:11:49.700 --> 00:11:52.759
of hay and actually survived. You've got to believe

00:11:52.759 --> 00:11:55.159
in God after that. Imagine going through all

00:11:55.159 --> 00:11:56.759
that, but I can't believe it. Second lease on

00:11:56.759 --> 00:11:58.320
life, and then you go home, and your wife is

00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:02.360
still a cunt. Or you come home, and she's fucking

00:12:02.360 --> 00:12:04.159
some guy because she thought you were dead. Like,

00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:07.539
you didn't even wait until tomorrow? You're just

00:12:07.539 --> 00:12:09.440
in there trying to fuck a horse, and a guy flies

00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:13.620
through the ceiling? Right. That's a sign to

00:12:13.620 --> 00:12:16.500
keep going? You ever seen the bridge? The bridge

00:12:16.500 --> 00:12:18.000
documentary where the guys jump off the bridge?

00:12:19.019 --> 00:12:20.840
It's called the bridge. Oh, yeah. San Francisco.

00:12:20.840 --> 00:12:23.320
A friend of mine just did that. He died? Yeah.

00:12:23.519 --> 00:12:26.120
He just committed suicide there. Donnell Rollins?

00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:30.519
No, Donnell's alive. Guy I've known for more

00:12:30.519 --> 00:12:33.659
than 20 years. Damn. And that's the bridge he

00:12:33.659 --> 00:12:36.500
picked? Yeah, that's the one. Parachute plummets

00:12:36.500 --> 00:12:38.720
through roof into kitchen of California house.

00:12:38.860 --> 00:12:41.480
Man survived the fall after chute failed to open.

00:12:41.580 --> 00:12:45.899
Wow. Wow. In the kitchen. Interesting. That one

00:12:45.899 --> 00:12:48.340
in New York with the guy falling off onto the...

00:12:48.620 --> 00:12:51.419
Car? Oh, that was crazy. Yeah, nine stories.

00:12:51.679 --> 00:12:53.779
All he had was like a busted arm. You see that?

00:12:53.779 --> 00:12:55.879
Yeah, he had a Tom Segura arm. Yeah. And everyone's

00:12:55.879 --> 00:12:57.500
like, stop moving. But he's so shook. Everyone's

00:12:57.500 --> 00:13:01.220
like. Did someone throw him out of the window?

00:13:01.399 --> 00:13:02.860
I don't know. I think they think someone threw

00:13:02.860 --> 00:13:04.399
him out of the window. There was an investigation.

00:13:04.899 --> 00:13:06.879
He looked like the kind of guy that someone would.

00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:12.470
39 stories. What? Is this another one? This is

00:13:12.470 --> 00:13:18.009
2010. 29 stories landed on a car and survived.

00:13:18.629 --> 00:13:21.710
He came down feet first at like 100 miles an

00:13:21.710 --> 00:13:25.169
hour. Andrew Petrucelli, a maintenance worker.

00:13:25.409 --> 00:13:28.169
I saw this fucking guy. He told the New York

00:13:28.169 --> 00:13:30.169
Daily News. It's a miracle if I've ever seen

00:13:30.169 --> 00:13:32.370
one. He should be a goner. It was like that movie

00:13:32.370 --> 00:13:34.850
Unbreakable. That movie Unbreakable, the guy

00:13:34.850 --> 00:13:37.129
broke all the time. You fucking idiot. That was

00:13:37.129 --> 00:13:38.870
this guy, Unbreakable. That was this guy, Unbreakable.

00:13:38.929 --> 00:13:41.250
That guy did not watch that movie. It's good

00:13:41.250 --> 00:13:42.830
he had that reference handy. Isn't that movie

00:13:42.830 --> 00:13:45.490
about like... No, you got that one right. Was

00:13:45.490 --> 00:13:47.870
it Samuel Jackson? Oh, that's right. Unbreakable

00:13:47.870 --> 00:13:50.129
was the guy who survived the train. I bet somebody

00:13:50.129 --> 00:13:52.360
gave him that line. Like he was talking about

00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:54.000
before the press got there, and somebody's like,

00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:55.500
it's like Unbreakable, and they just co -opted

00:13:55.500 --> 00:13:58.379
it. Oh, and then Glass was like the sequel to

00:13:58.379 --> 00:14:00.620
that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's what confused

00:14:00.620 --> 00:14:03.360
me. Right, they were like Bruce Willis' Unbreakable,

00:14:03.460 --> 00:14:06.200
and then Samuel Jackson broke all the time. Yeah.

00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:08.440
Which is the dumbest idea for fucking two. When

00:14:08.440 --> 00:14:10.519
people try to make superheroes like pretty close

00:14:10.519 --> 00:14:13.700
to normal. Yeah. Almost normal. Give them real

00:14:13.700 --> 00:14:16.039
emotions. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into that. That's

00:14:16.039 --> 00:14:19.220
why James Bond got weird. He was too survivable.

00:14:19.360 --> 00:14:21.100
He fell in love. Well, that too, but yeah, he

00:14:21.100 --> 00:14:22.620
got too emotional. He wasn't just fucking. Wait

00:14:22.620 --> 00:14:25.059
a minute. When did he fall in love? Nate Craig

00:14:25.059 --> 00:14:27.580
or whatever. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig. He fell

00:14:27.580 --> 00:14:29.320
in love? I didn't know. He falls in love constantly.

00:14:29.799 --> 00:14:31.960
Oh, really? Yeah, James Bond falls in love like

00:14:31.960 --> 00:14:34.100
a bitch. That's weird. He's my favorite James

00:14:34.100 --> 00:14:36.360
Bond. What? He's the most believable. All his

00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:39.120
other ones look like bitches. Connery? Connery.

00:14:39.529 --> 00:14:41.570
Connery in the beginning. I can't imagine him

00:14:41.570 --> 00:14:43.529
winning a fight, though, as he got older and

00:14:43.529 --> 00:14:45.929
with the toupee on. He is older. Jamie, pull

00:14:45.929 --> 00:14:48.490
up when Connery got into a bar fight in Scotland

00:14:48.490 --> 00:14:53.590
in like the 30s. He definitely did. Poor Connery

00:14:53.590 --> 00:14:55.850
saying he should slap women. He was like a real

00:14:55.850 --> 00:14:59.850
barman. Sometimes they won't let it go, and they

00:14:59.850 --> 00:15:02.049
need a slap. You've got to raise it a little

00:15:02.049 --> 00:15:07.169
bit more. Sometimes you've settled it. This is

00:15:07.169 --> 00:15:11.289
a movie. This is a movie, just not real. Hold

00:15:11.289 --> 00:15:13.950
on, J -Mo, I'm talking about a real fisticuffs

00:15:13.950 --> 00:15:16.350
in a bar. Is that on camera somewhere? I don't

00:15:16.350 --> 00:15:18.490
know about that, but there's a clipping. There's

00:15:18.490 --> 00:15:22.250
an article about it? Oh, yeah. There we go. A

00:15:22.250 --> 00:15:25.090
lot of those old Irish and Scottish actors, those

00:15:25.090 --> 00:15:27.129
guys were getting fights all the time. VB and

00:15:27.129 --> 00:15:28.950
Stabbings. Well, he said he was in his 20s when

00:15:28.950 --> 00:15:30.970
this happened, so there's no video of it. All

00:15:30.970 --> 00:15:33.110
right, all right. It says he beat up four guys

00:15:33.110 --> 00:15:35.289
in a wild night out. Who? One of those guys is

00:15:35.289 --> 00:15:37.669
Sean Connery. Fucking Scottish people with their

00:15:37.669 --> 00:15:42.409
tall tales. Then he beat up the Loch Ness. Yeah,

00:15:42.409 --> 00:15:45.600
what do these guys look like? Yeah, that's true.

00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:47.639
It's back in the day. It's a weird character.

00:15:47.879 --> 00:15:50.039
It's a character you can't really keep going

00:15:50.039 --> 00:15:52.019
over and over and over and over again, the James

00:15:52.019 --> 00:15:53.639
Bond character. Now they're going to do it with

00:15:53.639 --> 00:15:55.179
a new person. They're going to do it with a chick.

00:15:55.279 --> 00:15:56.440
For sure they're going to do it with a chick.

00:15:56.659 --> 00:15:58.899
Chick over black guy? Or black. Trans chick.

00:15:59.259 --> 00:16:01.919
In the newest one there was. In the newest James

00:16:01.919 --> 00:16:04.940
Bond. There was a little hint at it. Hey, don't

00:16:04.940 --> 00:16:07.460
say anything. I haven't seen it yet. You go to

00:16:07.460 --> 00:16:08.740
the movies? No, they had their chance. I do like

00:16:08.740 --> 00:16:10.279
going to the movies. You actually go to the movies

00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:11.600
still? Oh, yeah. It's great. I thought it was

00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:13.340
over. I've seen three movies this month. I thought

00:16:13.340 --> 00:16:14.980
nobody did it anymore. No, it's amazing. Movie

00:16:14.980 --> 00:16:16.639
pass? I thought it was over. I just love going

00:16:16.639 --> 00:16:18.059
to the movies. I like going to the movies, too.

00:16:18.100 --> 00:16:19.820
I like sipping the dark and the cold. Yeah. You

00:16:19.820 --> 00:16:21.480
know, it's good on the road. When you're on the

00:16:21.480 --> 00:16:24.100
road, a movie on Saturday, it's something to

00:16:24.100 --> 00:16:26.649
do. I saw The Last Duel. Check that out. The

00:16:26.649 --> 00:16:28.450
Last Duel. I don't know it. What is it? It's

00:16:28.450 --> 00:16:30.690
a new Ridley Scott movie. Oh, Ridley Scott. Yeah,

00:16:30.909 --> 00:16:34.590
he's the best. He makes one. It's about Adam

00:16:34.590 --> 00:16:37.809
Driver gets accused of rape. And back in France,

00:16:37.970 --> 00:16:41.009
they used to just be like, all right, the way

00:16:41.009 --> 00:16:43.090
they would do trial is trial by combat. So Matt

00:16:43.090 --> 00:16:45.970
Damon does trial by combat with Adam Driver to

00:16:45.970 --> 00:16:48.009
see if he's guilty of rape. Whoa, what year is

00:16:48.009 --> 00:16:52.610
this? 13. Wow. It was the last it was the last

00:16:52.610 --> 00:16:54.070
time they did so if you were like really good

00:16:54.070 --> 00:16:56.549
at combat you just rape crazy and just Always

00:16:56.549 --> 00:16:58.570
say you didn't do it then fuck everybody up.

00:16:58.629 --> 00:17:00.389
Yeah, and then that means it's like ball. Don't

00:17:00.389 --> 00:17:04.710
lie They're wearing all this armor. When is this

00:17:04.710 --> 00:17:07.650
from? When is this supposed to be set 1300 that's

00:17:07.650 --> 00:17:10.089
Ben Affleck with the hair Wow with the mullet

00:17:10.089 --> 00:17:18.609
dude Look he's got the horse his army and everything

00:17:18.609 --> 00:17:20.450
so this is a good movie. Yeah, I liked it a lot

00:17:20.730 --> 00:17:22.970
It looks like a big production. That's what you've

00:17:22.970 --> 00:17:24.410
got to get for a movie now. You've got to make

00:17:24.410 --> 00:17:26.730
it an experience, and they're doing it. Movies

00:17:26.730 --> 00:17:28.069
are coming back, man. They're coming back. Paul

00:17:28.069 --> 00:17:29.990
Thomas Anderson's got a new one. Wes Anderson's

00:17:29.990 --> 00:17:32.589
got a new one. I think the superheroes are done.

00:17:32.769 --> 00:17:34.630
Fast 9 was fun as shit. Superheroes are done.

00:17:34.829 --> 00:17:37.150
No, they've got a new Blade coming out. With

00:17:37.150 --> 00:17:39.490
Wesley? No, Wesley's out. They've got a new guy.

00:17:39.569 --> 00:17:41.730
He didn't pay those taxes. There's a new Matrix.

00:17:42.329 --> 00:17:45.009
What? New Matrix, yeah. Keanu? Yes. Wow. What

00:17:45.009 --> 00:17:47.809
is it for? 20 years later? Yeah. Okay. This is

00:17:47.809 --> 00:17:49.009
a new era. I'll watch that. I'll watch that for

00:17:49.009 --> 00:17:51.809
sure. Every movie's the same movie. I've been

00:17:51.809 --> 00:17:53.490
going to movies. Every trailer is like, hey,

00:17:53.529 --> 00:17:55.769
new Ghostbusters, new Matrix. Oh, they repeat.

00:17:56.069 --> 00:18:00.089
Oh, yeah. Did you guys see the Mark Zuckerberg

00:18:00.089 --> 00:18:03.970
meta demonstration? No. You watch that and you

00:18:03.970 --> 00:18:05.849
go, hey, motherfucker, what are you trying to

00:18:05.849 --> 00:18:08.089
do? Are you trying to make the Matrix for real?

00:18:08.309 --> 00:18:11.269
Yeah, he is. He is. Yeah. Well. It seems like

00:18:11.269 --> 00:18:13.029
he's being. sneaky about it. It's already going

00:18:13.029 --> 00:18:17.490
to happen. That's Facebook's version of it. He

00:18:17.490 --> 00:18:20.230
just wants it to be under his banner. It's crazy

00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:22.069
that they're changing the name of Facebook to

00:18:22.069 --> 00:18:24.269
Meta, and they're going to call it the Metaverse.

00:18:25.470 --> 00:18:28.029
I thought that was also so you can sue me, but

00:18:28.029 --> 00:18:30.009
our parent company is over there now. So you

00:18:30.009 --> 00:18:31.549
can sue me. We only have $100 in our holding.

00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:33.460
So Meta's got all the money. So you're suing

00:18:33.460 --> 00:18:35.339
Facebook for fucking evil shit of like turning

00:18:35.339 --> 00:18:37.279
brother against brother, but Facebook only has

00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:39.380
$100 in assets, so Meta's got all the assets.

00:18:39.460 --> 00:18:40.940
You can't sue them. That's what it felt like

00:18:40.940 --> 00:18:43.380
to me. Man, you do have a real Jewish way of

00:18:43.380 --> 00:18:46.299
thinking. It's lawyer style. Helps us survive

00:18:46.299 --> 00:18:49.380
in times when we have no antibodies. What choice

00:18:49.380 --> 00:18:51.319
do we have? The whole algorithm thing, it's very

00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:53.200
strange because, you know, I bring you up all

00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:54.920
the time, Ari, that you did that thing where

00:18:54.920 --> 00:18:56.839
you went and looked for puppies on YouTube and

00:18:56.839 --> 00:18:59.619
then all YouTube would show you is puppies. Here's

00:18:59.619 --> 00:19:01.039
what no one understands about that. It's not

00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:03.000
just that it would do that. It's that it affects

00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:05.720
your mood for the better. You get to be the person

00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:07.500
who watches puppies all day. And you're just

00:19:07.500 --> 00:19:09.539
a happier person during that time. Right. Than

00:19:09.539 --> 00:19:11.799
watching videos about how everyone's upset at

00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:13.559
each other. And you also get upset. But do puppies

00:19:13.559 --> 00:19:15.660
keep you happy? I feel like you see a puppy randomly,

00:19:15.720 --> 00:19:17.359
it's nice. But if you see a puppy every day,

00:19:17.500 --> 00:19:20.059
you're immune to the happiness. It's all fun.

00:19:20.180 --> 00:19:23.460
Great times. Nah, not really. You obviously don't

00:19:23.460 --> 00:19:26.640
have a puppy. No, I got a cat. Yeah, see, cats

00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:29.500
are fine, but puppies are way better. When you

00:19:29.500 --> 00:19:30.839
come home, oh, you used to have a bit about that.

00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:35.099
Yeah. Jamie, play that bit. No. Jamie, play the

00:19:35.099 --> 00:19:38.920
Fauci puppy video. Oh. Wait, what is that? How

00:19:38.920 --> 00:19:40.519
dark is that? He's like cutting beagles' throats

00:19:40.519 --> 00:19:45.559
out. Oh, come on. No. I never heard about this.

00:19:45.700 --> 00:19:47.900
Oh, no. You made that up. I don't want to see

00:19:47.900 --> 00:19:49.200
that. What is that, a family guy bit? No, no,

00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:51.339
no, just listen. There is videos of it, but what

00:19:51.339 --> 00:19:52.920
you need to know is what they were doing was

00:19:52.920 --> 00:19:55.789
work. than what he's saying. They cut their throats

00:19:55.789 --> 00:19:58.329
so that they couldn't bark. So they did experiments

00:19:58.329 --> 00:20:01.349
on these beagle puppies and they put their heads

00:20:01.349 --> 00:20:03.829
in cages and filled the cages with sand flies

00:20:03.829 --> 00:20:05.609
where the sand flies were literally eating the

00:20:05.609 --> 00:20:08.390
beagles alive. Come on. Anyone else heard? This

00:20:08.390 --> 00:20:11.910
was all sponsored by the NIH. Like the NIH spent

00:20:11.910 --> 00:20:14.049
money on this. Wow. You can just train them or

00:20:14.049 --> 00:20:17.519
not bark. You got Justin Silver in there. No,

00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:20.579
the idea is to see what happens when the sand

00:20:20.579 --> 00:20:22.180
flies eat them alive. They just didn't want to

00:20:22.180 --> 00:20:25.039
hear them barking and complaining. Whoa. The

00:20:25.039 --> 00:20:27.299
pictures of the beagle puppies with their heads

00:20:27.299 --> 00:20:30.000
locked into these cages is fucking so disturbing

00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:32.259
that it's like some serial killer shit. Pull

00:20:32.259 --> 00:20:35.559
it up. You can't believe that government - Why

00:20:35.559 --> 00:20:36.740
would you get beagles? They scream the most.

00:20:36.980 --> 00:20:39.039
Well, they're cute. That's why you do it. That's

00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:40.400
why they cut their throat out. I wonder why they

00:20:40.400 --> 00:20:43.250
did do beagles. Jesus. It's a quiet dog. Why

00:20:43.250 --> 00:20:44.589
didn't they do like a shitty dog? I think they

00:20:44.589 --> 00:20:45.750
used beagles for research. You can't get chihuahuas

00:20:45.750 --> 00:20:47.549
where everybody would be rooting for it. I think

00:20:47.549 --> 00:20:50.029
beagles are chihuahuas. And they yap. They yap.

00:20:50.029 --> 00:20:52.150
Not all of them. They yap and they attack. My

00:20:52.150 --> 00:20:54.569
ex had a chihuahua. Didn't like you. Maybe it

00:20:54.569 --> 00:20:58.240
was you. I hated me. Wonder why. Although, you

00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:00.480
know what's weird? When I went to bed, it would

00:21:00.480 --> 00:21:03.359
sleep in my butthole for the warmth. Inside?

00:21:04.079 --> 00:21:06.220
Well, not inside. What am I, Richard Gere? Right

00:21:06.220 --> 00:21:08.039
there. But yeah, it would just get right up to

00:21:08.039 --> 00:21:11.380
the warmth. That Richard Gere one is the greatest

00:21:11.380 --> 00:21:14.240
rumor of all time. It is. Pre -internet. Exactly.

00:21:14.539 --> 00:21:16.420
Do you know where that came from? No. Here's

00:21:16.420 --> 00:21:18.180
the rumor. I don't know if it's true. The rumor

00:21:18.180 --> 00:21:20.980
was that he left Scientology. Is that what you

00:21:20.980 --> 00:21:23.240
heard? That's what I believe. Because Scientology

00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:25.180
makes you tell all the secrets. And then they're

00:21:25.180 --> 00:21:27.819
like, don't worry. We're clear of these. When

00:21:27.819 --> 00:21:29.339
he did that Buddhist movie, became Buddhist,

00:21:29.579 --> 00:21:31.660
they're like, no, no, you can't do that. He's

00:21:31.660 --> 00:21:32.759
like, I am. They're like, then we're going to

00:21:32.759 --> 00:21:35.819
release the info. Interesting. What I had heard

00:21:35.819 --> 00:21:38.799
was that it was just to make him look like shit

00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.559
because he left Scientology. I didn't hear that

00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:43.720
it was actually a real thing that he stuck a

00:21:43.720 --> 00:21:45.900
gerbil up his ass. I heard it was real. Gerbil.

00:21:46.000 --> 00:21:48.779
We all heard the real thing. She also did gerbils?

00:21:48.900 --> 00:21:51.660
Yep. Like a fifth grader level of a rumor. What's

00:21:51.660 --> 00:21:55.990
crazy, but it stuck. It did. And it hurt his

00:21:55.990 --> 00:21:57.950
acting career, too. That's so strange. Yeah,

00:21:57.950 --> 00:21:59.509
it did. I mean, he was huge. That one's been

00:21:59.509 --> 00:22:02.450
there. He was a leading man. Pretty Woman, Officer

00:22:02.450 --> 00:22:04.210
in a Jail. He was a hunk, dude. Yeah. He was

00:22:04.210 --> 00:22:06.309
a hunk. Mothman Prophecies, that was a good movie.

00:22:06.390 --> 00:22:08.490
I liked it. But that wasn't where he set his

00:22:08.490 --> 00:22:11.369
height. You're the one. Mothman Prophecies isn't

00:22:11.369 --> 00:22:13.190
good? No. What are you kidding? He's been in

00:22:13.190 --> 00:22:15.349
some amazing movies. I mean, Richard Gere's been

00:22:15.349 --> 00:22:16.470
in some fucking amazing movies. I got nowhere

00:22:16.470 --> 00:22:19.670
else to go. I got nowhere else to go. How bad

00:22:19.670 --> 00:22:21.250
would Richard Gere feel if you're like, I loved

00:22:21.250 --> 00:22:23.390
his acting and you brought up Mothman Prophecies

00:22:23.390 --> 00:22:25.289
as number one? I liked it. He would hate it.

00:22:25.509 --> 00:22:27.970
Hey, he did it. He did do it. It's like if you

00:22:27.970 --> 00:22:29.630
love Robert Deere and you love that movie with

00:22:29.630 --> 00:22:31.230
Michelle Pfeiffer where he dressed like a wizard.

00:22:31.369 --> 00:22:33.569
You ever see that one? No. In the height of his

00:22:33.569 --> 00:22:35.130
wife spending money, apparently, he was just

00:22:35.130 --> 00:22:37.890
doing whatever fucking movie he could. And that's

00:22:37.890 --> 00:22:39.890
what he said, apparently. Yeah, I think he was

00:22:39.890 --> 00:22:41.609
open about it. Yeah, he was pretty open about

00:22:41.609 --> 00:22:43.970
it. And he did this fucking terrible movie with

00:22:43.970 --> 00:22:45.230
Michelle Pfeiffer. It was supposed to be one

00:22:45.230 --> 00:22:47.490
of the worst movies ever made. And he plays a

00:22:47.490 --> 00:22:50.490
wizard. Yeah, there was a sad stretch there.

00:22:50.789 --> 00:22:52.950
Before Scorsese came back and got it. He really

00:22:52.950 --> 00:22:56.170
just let it go. Yeah. Well, when you got a monthly

00:22:56.170 --> 00:22:58.789
nut, like a million bucks a month. Anybody want

00:22:58.789 --> 00:23:00.569
a cigar? That's what happened to Nick Cage, too.

00:23:01.369 --> 00:23:03.430
Thank you. I'll do it. I'll smoke you cigars.

00:23:03.430 --> 00:23:06.500
I'll do it for the bit. Gambling debts got caged.

00:23:06.500 --> 00:23:09.339
That's why I did Ghost Rider 6. This was, you

00:23:09.339 --> 00:23:10.880
were supposed to send me a box of these. I got

00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:14.980
a box for you. Okay, cool. Thank you. These smell

00:23:14.980 --> 00:23:18.779
terrible. These are good. How dare you? I'm joking.

00:23:19.660 --> 00:23:23.759
What are you a fucking comedian? So you guys

00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:26.460
are, what's the gig you guys are all doing together?

00:23:26.660 --> 00:23:28.579
It's a fucking hell of a gig. When is this coming

00:23:28.579 --> 00:23:29.940
out? Is this coming out right away? It's coming

00:23:29.940 --> 00:23:33.170
out tomorrow. Oh. Is it pretty good? A gig tomorrow?

00:23:33.410 --> 00:23:34.990
Yeah, a gig tomorrow. Norm is a secret guest.

00:23:35.329 --> 00:23:39.049
Oh. That's perfect. Yeah, we kind of thought

00:23:39.049 --> 00:23:41.650
we were going to get a lot more. Like when you

00:23:41.650 --> 00:23:43.490
and me planned this show. Yeah. We're like, we'll

00:23:43.490 --> 00:23:46.029
get Rogan, we'll get all, we'll get Louis, we'll

00:23:46.029 --> 00:23:48.049
get all the guys. So there's Skank Fest. And

00:23:48.049 --> 00:23:49.910
you got this douche. It's just like, yeah, it's

00:23:49.910 --> 00:23:51.390
me and Norm. There's Skank Fest and we decided

00:23:51.390 --> 00:23:54.309
to do a spite show right ahead of it. Where is

00:23:54.309 --> 00:23:57.089
that? Can you hand me that can of propane? Or

00:23:57.089 --> 00:23:59.630
whatever the fuck it is. So we called the secret

00:23:59.630 --> 00:24:00.930
group and were like, hey, we want to do a show

00:24:00.930 --> 00:24:03.250
just us the day before. And he goes, let me make

00:24:03.250 --> 00:24:05.430
sure it's okay with Lewis. Oh, you wanted a tank.

00:24:06.190 --> 00:24:10.269
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Stan help used to

00:24:10.269 --> 00:24:11.710
do that for just for laughs. Just for spite.

00:24:11.769 --> 00:24:14.470
Yeah. Exactly that. Yeah. Exactly that. And that

00:24:14.470 --> 00:24:15.970
was another one we thought we'd get. He had a

00:24:15.970 --> 00:24:18.230
legitimate financial grievance with them. We

00:24:18.230 --> 00:24:19.609
have no grievance with Lewis. It's just fun.

00:24:19.750 --> 00:24:21.230
Just fuck with him. Yeah. You better do it now

00:24:21.230 --> 00:24:23.650
before he gets brain damage. Lewis? Yeah. Nah,

00:24:23.710 --> 00:24:24.750
he's going to win that fight, dude. You're out

00:24:24.750 --> 00:24:27.759
of your mind. Interesting. Yeah. I think he's

00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:29.500
going to win. He's way younger. He's bigger.

00:24:29.759 --> 00:24:32.220
Yeah. He hasn't been punched nearly as much as

00:24:32.220 --> 00:24:34.740
fucking Ellis. You guys have a very strange way

00:24:34.740 --> 00:24:39.380
of looking at fighting. Yes. Agreed. Same. Ability

00:24:39.380 --> 00:24:42.059
and experience don't matter. It does, but to

00:24:42.059 --> 00:24:43.819
what degree? To what point? Almost everything.

00:24:44.039 --> 00:24:47.240
So a young 22 -year -old boxer couldn't beat

00:24:47.240 --> 00:24:50.299
a right now Muhammad Ali? Muhammad Ali's dead.

00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:56.490
No! Why? COVID got him. Do you know that Logan

00:24:56.490 --> 00:24:59.130
Paul is going to fight Mike Tyson? Shut up. Do

00:24:59.130 --> 00:25:00.970
they have a no knockout rule again? No, that

00:25:00.970 --> 00:25:03.630
was just for Roy Jones Jr. Please let this be

00:25:03.630 --> 00:25:05.230
the one. It should be Logan and the brother fight

00:25:05.230 --> 00:25:08.289
him together. That would be a fun fight. Mike

00:25:08.289 --> 00:25:09.910
versus the Paul brothers. That's a good one.

00:25:10.069 --> 00:25:12.289
Well, he's got to do one at a time. He's 54.

00:25:14.190 --> 00:25:17.650
Thank you. But it's a real fight. Let me do it

00:25:17.650 --> 00:25:21.180
for you. What am I doing here? Yeah. Figure it

00:25:21.180 --> 00:25:23.259
out. All right. No way he'll figure it out. Useless.

00:25:23.259 --> 00:25:25.359
There you go. No, you got to cut the edge first.

00:25:25.440 --> 00:25:27.140
Did you cut the edge? Did you cut the edge? Give

00:25:27.140 --> 00:25:28.920
me that. Sure, you got to help him out. You don't

00:25:28.920 --> 00:25:30.519
know what you're doing? I've never used this

00:25:30.519 --> 00:25:32.359
device. You look like a fucking idiot, dude.

00:25:32.420 --> 00:25:34.319
I remember that, dude. When Norman was trying

00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:35.740
to fucking cut a thing and he couldn't do it.

00:25:35.859 --> 00:25:38.019
That was fucking hilarious. On the experience,

00:25:38.279 --> 00:25:39.940
dude, you look like a fucking idiot. Get him.

00:25:39.940 --> 00:25:41.880
Get him. This is a podcast known for cigar smoking,

00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:46.619
bro. I would be choking on this thing in 20 seconds.

00:25:46.720 --> 00:25:56.509
Good labia there. How's Bobby Kelly doing, speaking

00:25:56.509 --> 00:25:59.670
of cigars? Still great. Still fat. Still fat.

00:26:00.750 --> 00:26:04.329
He's doing great. That's odd. Here, you go. There's

00:26:04.329 --> 00:26:05.809
another one. You go, dude. He's a funny guy.

00:26:06.009 --> 00:26:07.690
Oh, he's the best. Bobby? Bobby's a great egg.

00:26:07.910 --> 00:26:10.650
He's coming to Skank Fest. Oh, is he? Yeah. This

00:26:10.650 --> 00:26:13.769
one's good, too. I got to cut it. There it is.

00:26:14.089 --> 00:26:15.390
Yeah, there's a cutter in the back of that one

00:26:15.390 --> 00:26:17.109
as well. That's a cool little device you got

00:26:17.109 --> 00:26:19.269
there. It really is. It's nice, right? It's nice.

00:26:19.309 --> 00:26:23.769
Yeah, it really is. So, everybody's going to

00:26:23.769 --> 00:26:25.789
Skank Fest South? And that's in Houston? Is that

00:26:25.789 --> 00:26:28.289
where it is? Yes. It's the best, dude. Have you

00:26:28.289 --> 00:26:30.910
ever done one? No, I have not. I did one of their

00:26:30.910 --> 00:26:34.089
shows in Hollywood, though, when they did the

00:26:34.089 --> 00:26:36.789
Comedy Store. I did one of their shows. Legion

00:26:36.789 --> 00:26:40.609
of Skanks. Yes. Yeah, it wasn't Skank Fest, but

00:26:40.609 --> 00:26:42.089
it was a Legion of Skanks show. It was a lot

00:26:42.089 --> 00:26:44.950
of fun. A lot of fun crowds, you know? Crowds

00:26:44.950 --> 00:26:47.690
that just come to have a good time. That kind

00:26:47.690 --> 00:26:50.390
of comedy is hard to come by these days. It's

00:26:50.390 --> 00:26:51.990
like everybody's so goddamn fucking serious.

00:26:52.150 --> 00:26:54.029
I think it's coming back. It's coming back. Well,

00:26:54.109 --> 00:26:56.390
there's definitely some of it coming back. People

00:26:56.390 --> 00:26:59.109
are tired. Yeah. They're tired of being lectured.

00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:01.309
When people are doing comedy and they're lecturing

00:27:01.309 --> 00:27:02.809
you at the same time, you're like, Jesus Christ.

00:27:03.049 --> 00:27:04.789
Yeah. They're lecturing you and they're saying,

00:27:04.869 --> 00:27:07.509
everything sucks but me. That's a big theme of

00:27:07.509 --> 00:27:10.210
comedy now. It kind of is, right? Yeah. Everything

00:27:10.210 --> 00:27:12.529
sucks. The world sucks, but I'm great. No, it

00:27:12.529 --> 00:27:15.450
should be you suck too. That's comedy. Self -deprecation.

00:27:16.069 --> 00:27:18.369
Well, Shane says it the best. He's like, you

00:27:18.369 --> 00:27:20.210
get all these comics, four comics in a row going,

00:27:20.289 --> 00:27:23.130
injustice is terrible. And then you just get

00:27:23.130 --> 00:27:25.690
up there and go, injustice rules. Yeah, you get

00:27:25.690 --> 00:27:27.690
to go on and be like, you know what I like? Injustice.

00:27:27.930 --> 00:27:31.150
Yeah. Well, tell me why racism. This guy's the

00:27:31.150 --> 00:27:32.930
best one. Yeah, and everyone's like, finally.

00:27:33.210 --> 00:27:36.549
It's weird seeing someone so obviously virtue

00:27:36.549 --> 00:27:39.440
signaling on stage and then to see it work. Because

00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:43.700
comedy is either absurd, ridiculous, over -the

00:27:43.700 --> 00:27:48.089
-top silly, or it's honest. So when you're seeing

00:27:48.089 --> 00:27:50.390
that, it's neither of those things. It's not

00:27:50.390 --> 00:27:53.470
absurd. It's not honest. It's just this weird

00:27:53.470 --> 00:27:55.130
thing that you're doing. Like you're saying things

00:27:55.130 --> 00:27:57.289
that people are compelled to clap at. Is it give

00:27:57.289 --> 00:27:59.009
it up for the troops? Just the now version of

00:27:59.009 --> 00:28:00.809
it? Yes, it's a version of give it up for the

00:28:00.809 --> 00:28:03.789
troops. Who smoked weed? How about the troops?

00:28:03.910 --> 00:28:05.829
How about a round of applause for the ladies?

00:28:06.009 --> 00:28:08.250
Y 'all, some fine looking ladies up in here.

00:28:08.329 --> 00:28:10.130
Yeah, every group has it. But then you flip it

00:28:10.130 --> 00:28:12.869
on with the troops and say Al -Qaeda. Just to

00:28:12.869 --> 00:28:14.710
throw them a wrench. You gotta throw wrenches

00:28:14.710 --> 00:28:18.829
in. The day after we... lost Afghanistan, Tim

00:28:18.829 --> 00:28:22.250
Dillon was on stage at Vulcan in Austin giving

00:28:22.250 --> 00:28:25.490
it up for the Taliban. There you go. And talking

00:28:25.490 --> 00:28:28.950
about how amazing it is that they put in all

00:28:28.950 --> 00:28:31.450
that work after all these years. And they lasted.

00:28:31.630 --> 00:28:35.089
Yeah, 20 years of hard work. It was impressive.

00:28:35.329 --> 00:28:37.650
That's comedy. Yeah, it was comedy. To outlast

00:28:37.650 --> 00:28:40.750
the American armed forces. Pretty good. Solid.

00:28:40.890 --> 00:28:44.309
Yeah, it's fun. Cynically, I think it's almost

00:28:44.309 --> 00:28:46.990
like it's planned. all our equipment. What? So

00:28:46.990 --> 00:28:48.490
it's a win -win. I think they got done selling

00:28:48.490 --> 00:28:51.730
weapons and pulled it out. Maybe. Maybe they

00:28:51.730 --> 00:28:54.650
wait a while and then it gets really bad over

00:28:54.650 --> 00:28:56.869
there and there's some real reason to go back

00:28:56.869 --> 00:28:59.210
in a larger force. Or they let China come in

00:28:59.210 --> 00:29:00.529
and then they're like, hey, here's an excuse

00:29:00.529 --> 00:29:03.250
to fight China. You know what? One thing that

00:29:03.250 --> 00:29:05.329
was real open to me, and I'm not political, but

00:29:05.329 --> 00:29:07.990
like... And Trump early on was like, we're pulling

00:29:07.990 --> 00:29:09.910
out of Afghanistan. You loved Trump. I do love

00:29:09.910 --> 00:29:12.890
Trump. Love him? Yeah. Did I say love? Yeah,

00:29:12.950 --> 00:29:15.289
everyone got upset. Is this Asian? Oh, shit.

00:29:16.069 --> 00:29:18.569
Jamie, edit that in with like a loop over and

00:29:18.569 --> 00:29:22.609
over again. You love China. Don't do it, dude.

00:29:22.910 --> 00:29:25.329
Did I say it? Don't do it. You lost SNL. That's

00:29:25.329 --> 00:29:27.809
how you said it, right? There goes mad TV. You

00:29:27.809 --> 00:29:29.849
can't do it. There goes mad TV. You're never

00:29:29.849 --> 00:29:31.269
going to be on. You're never going to be on,

00:29:31.329 --> 00:29:33.839
Joe. Dude, I was at Matt TV and Michael Che's

00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:36.119
giving me a tour. Quit bragging. And he goes,

00:29:36.119 --> 00:29:39.339
and I'm like, is that the back thing going to

00:29:39.339 --> 00:29:40.539
come out of it? He goes, well, just so you know,

00:29:40.579 --> 00:29:42.440
there's superstition that if you come out before

00:29:42.440 --> 00:29:45.420
you're actually on, you'll never host SNL. And

00:29:45.420 --> 00:29:48.099
I was like, well, then I'm just going to do it

00:29:48.099 --> 00:29:50.799
now. Hey, was that an option? What are you talking

00:29:50.799 --> 00:29:52.500
about? It's hilarious that anybody would want

00:29:52.500 --> 00:29:55.319
to do that anymore. It seems like so much work.

00:29:55.640 --> 00:29:57.799
Well, Bill Burr seemed to like it. Yeah, Burr

00:29:57.799 --> 00:30:00.119
liked it. Well, his monologue was amazing. His

00:30:00.119 --> 00:30:01.380
monologue was great. But Burr's one of those

00:30:01.380 --> 00:30:04.059
guys that, like, he wants to do, like, iconic

00:30:04.059 --> 00:30:06.839
venues just to say, you know, he's got, like,

00:30:06.900 --> 00:30:09.740
a nostalgia to him. Yeah, yeah. Like, he did

00:30:09.740 --> 00:30:11.920
that theater in England because he saw Zeppelin

00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:13.599
there or whatever the hell. Exactly, exactly.

00:30:14.460 --> 00:30:16.740
Yeah, Burr loves that kind of shit. Yeah, he

00:30:16.740 --> 00:30:18.640
says he goes to stadiums when he's on the road

00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:20.980
alone just to see it. Does he really? Yeah, he's

00:30:20.980 --> 00:30:23.019
a big nerd. He's an interesting guy. Yeah, he's

00:30:23.019 --> 00:30:25.809
a sports nerd. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a giant sports

00:30:25.809 --> 00:30:27.910
nerd. Sometimes I'll listen to his podcast. He'll

00:30:27.910 --> 00:30:30.109
just rant and rave about certain plays and games.

00:30:30.269 --> 00:30:31.210
You don't even know what you're talking about.

00:30:31.329 --> 00:30:35.630
Same. I don't even know the rules. I'm a professional

00:30:35.630 --> 00:30:38.190
sports broadcaster. I don't know the rules to

00:30:38.190 --> 00:30:39.829
most sports. Can't believe you don't like football

00:30:39.829 --> 00:30:43.549
that much. Well, believe it. It's not Santa Claus,

00:30:43.569 --> 00:30:47.259
bro. You should. It's too many players. I like

00:30:47.259 --> 00:30:49.779
UFC because it's one guy. You get to know one

00:30:49.779 --> 00:30:51.460
guy. You feel like you're rooting for a dude

00:30:51.460 --> 00:30:54.980
or a lady. But football is just like a uniform.

00:30:55.019 --> 00:30:57.480
To me, it's like getting jerked off through a

00:30:57.480 --> 00:30:59.660
glory hole with a condom on after you've had

00:30:59.660 --> 00:31:03.500
actual sex. Yeah, compared to fighting. It's

00:31:03.500 --> 00:31:05.359
boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's boring. Oh, okay.

00:31:06.299 --> 00:31:08.059
It's like it's missing something. What was that

00:31:08.059 --> 00:31:12.119
place called in San Francisco? Bangkok Spa. Jerk

00:31:12.119 --> 00:31:15.140
off with a... um with a dish glove on oh there

00:31:15.140 --> 00:31:17.160
was that place what is that called something

00:31:17.160 --> 00:31:20.799
brothers right yeah the fairly brothers there's

00:31:20.799 --> 00:31:24.160
a famous sign there's a famous sign from that

00:31:24.160 --> 00:31:28.799
place that uh hunter s thompson stole that is

00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:32.039
available that i gotta contact this guy it's

00:31:32.039 --> 00:31:35.200
just like that was like we went there once like

00:31:35.200 --> 00:31:38.259
20 years ago and there was these people on stage

00:31:38.259 --> 00:31:42.680
doing a sex act Like these girls were like, they

00:31:42.680 --> 00:31:45.339
were like dildoing each other. Yeah. And we were

00:31:45.339 --> 00:31:47.599
like, what the fuck is this? There's different

00:31:47.599 --> 00:31:49.460
rooms. There's a room you go to watch dirty movies

00:31:49.460 --> 00:31:51.980
and jerk off. This is San Fran? San Fran. Wow,

00:31:52.160 --> 00:31:53.980
that city's changed. And we had our friend. There

00:31:53.980 --> 00:31:57.619
it is. Fairly, oh, Feral Theater. Fairly Brothers.

00:31:58.180 --> 00:32:00.039
Fairly Brothers. That's what I said, wasn't it?

00:32:00.140 --> 00:32:02.059
Closest. Oh, it's close. I did say Fairly Brothers.

00:32:02.200 --> 00:32:04.819
Well, COVID got them. You can't watch sex acts

00:32:04.819 --> 00:32:06.500
when everybody's coughing. I always wanted to

00:32:06.500 --> 00:32:08.380
whack off in a theater. It'd be nice, right?

00:32:08.440 --> 00:32:10.250
Fred Willard. Do you think if Pee Wee Herman

00:32:10.250 --> 00:32:13.450
got busted doing that today, it'd probably be

00:32:13.450 --> 00:32:15.569
nothing? Hero. He'd be a hero. Hero, right? Why

00:32:15.569 --> 00:32:18.309
hero? Because he's a gay guy. Leaning into gayism.

00:32:18.549 --> 00:32:21.109
Oh, yeah. Gay culture. Isn't it amazing how much

00:32:21.109 --> 00:32:23.650
the world's shifted in just like a decade or

00:32:23.650 --> 00:32:26.049
two? Crazy. I don't like it. You don't like it?

00:32:28.029 --> 00:32:29.869
I'll be honest. I don't like it much. All this

00:32:29.869 --> 00:32:33.259
progress. Meh. Is it progress? It's not all progress.

00:32:33.339 --> 00:32:35.140
There is progress. There's a lot of progress.

00:32:35.480 --> 00:32:38.259
Ellen got yelled at for being gay and couldn't

00:32:38.259 --> 00:32:40.259
bring Anne Heche to a movie premiere. Right.

00:32:40.420 --> 00:32:42.359
And now... She got yelled at for being mean.

00:32:42.480 --> 00:32:44.500
Got yelled at for being mean. Which is also...

00:32:45.240 --> 00:32:47.660
Progress. Yeah, well, I think she got yelled

00:32:47.660 --> 00:32:50.319
at for not being what she really pretends to

00:32:50.319 --> 00:32:51.980
be on the show. That's what it is. That's what

00:32:51.980 --> 00:32:53.319
it is. You can't fake it. It's just a little

00:32:53.319 --> 00:32:55.319
different. They wanted to think she was like

00:32:55.319 --> 00:32:58.180
this real happy, friendly person who's always

00:32:58.180 --> 00:33:01.259
lighthearted and dances and stuff. To find out

00:33:01.259 --> 00:33:03.740
that she's mean would just freak people out.

00:33:03.779 --> 00:33:06.420
They're like, what is going on? Cosby, same shit.

00:33:06.799 --> 00:33:09.579
America's dead. But way worse, right? A little.

00:33:09.599 --> 00:33:13.059
Now, being mean and what Cosby did are the same.

00:33:14.119 --> 00:33:17.119
What are you saying? Hold on. It goes against

00:33:17.119 --> 00:33:19.140
his personality. I rape and it's fine. People

00:33:19.140 --> 00:33:22.000
expect it. How many years do you think we are

00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:24.299
away from people reading minds with some kind

00:33:24.299 --> 00:33:27.759
of technology? Oh, God. You don't want that.

00:33:27.960 --> 00:33:29.980
You don't want it, but I feel like it's coming.

00:33:30.119 --> 00:33:31.259
It's going to be a bad news. This whole metaverse

00:33:31.259 --> 00:33:33.299
thing. Yeah. It's going to be embarrassing when

00:33:33.299 --> 00:33:37.039
you find out how fucking dumb I am. He's thinking

00:33:37.039 --> 00:33:38.900
about Notre Dame. That's where he changed his

00:33:38.900 --> 00:33:40.240
mind. He's sitting here right now. It's like,

00:33:40.299 --> 00:33:42.980
who do we got this week? Virginia? Are you a

00:33:42.980 --> 00:33:46.599
gambler? Go deeper. Are you a gambler? I'm getting

00:33:46.599 --> 00:33:48.779
into it. I like it. You like it? I've got that

00:33:48.779 --> 00:33:50.359
money to give away now. Oh, it's a dangerous

00:33:50.359 --> 00:33:52.900
fucking thing. How much of your weekly wages

00:33:52.900 --> 00:33:55.410
are you blowing? Nothing. Well, I have a... I

00:33:55.410 --> 00:33:57.809
use FanDuel, so I can only bet in Pennsylvania.

00:33:58.049 --> 00:34:00.250
So I can only bet when I'm home, which is nice.

00:34:00.369 --> 00:34:02.589
Oh, okay. You can't bet. Yeah, I have to do it

00:34:02.589 --> 00:34:05.069
over the phone back when I'm home. The phone.

00:34:05.529 --> 00:34:08.550
Yeah. I can't do it in New York. I've never won

00:34:08.550 --> 00:34:10.550
a bet, so I don't gamble. What? It's fun when

00:34:10.550 --> 00:34:12.190
you win, dude. I've never won. What about when

00:34:12.190 --> 00:34:13.909
we went to Vegas? We bet on the whole basketball

00:34:13.909 --> 00:34:16.610
tournament. I lost all of it. Oh, really? Yeah,

00:34:16.670 --> 00:34:19.449
I had to change rooms. Damn. Did you really?

00:34:19.510 --> 00:34:21.590
Yeah, I had to go down to Circus Circus. You

00:34:21.590 --> 00:34:24.150
had cheaper rooms? Yeah, I can't bet. How much

00:34:24.150 --> 00:34:26.429
did you lose? You know, a couple hundo, but at

00:34:26.429 --> 00:34:28.969
the time. Norman's cheap. That hurts him more

00:34:28.969 --> 00:34:31.550
than thousands would hurt you. Wow, I mean. Yeah,

00:34:31.590 --> 00:34:34.289
you guys were already fucking tossing money for

00:34:34.289 --> 00:34:37.670
Ubers. Is that how we're doing this? Huh? Oh,

00:34:37.849 --> 00:34:39.289
he bought an Uber, so I wanted to give him the

00:34:39.289 --> 00:34:41.909
money. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I said it's fine.

00:34:42.269 --> 00:34:43.769
Oh, Ari's taking care of things? Look at you.

00:34:43.989 --> 00:34:45.750
We have a show that's paying for everything.

00:34:46.050 --> 00:34:48.849
Oh, Ari's the promoter. He's the alpha. He's

00:34:48.849 --> 00:34:50.650
the promoter of the show. He's taking care of

00:34:50.650 --> 00:34:52.190
the Uber. Me and Shane, the inaugural show with

00:34:52.190 --> 00:34:53.309
the president and vice president of the Legion

00:34:53.309 --> 00:34:55.929
of Skanks. Who's the drop -in? Hey, what is this

00:34:55.929 --> 00:34:57.769
shirt you got on? Explain what's going on. You

00:34:57.769 --> 00:34:59.510
got Save East River Park. What is happening?

00:34:59.510 --> 00:35:01.050
Oh, yeah. There's this fucking great park in

00:35:01.050 --> 00:35:02.869
New York. They're tearing it up. Ari's an activist

00:35:02.869 --> 00:35:06.090
now. God. What are they doing there? They said

00:35:06.090 --> 00:35:08.289
they need fucking barriers for the next Sandy

00:35:08.289 --> 00:35:11.710
thing. Let it go. Let the park go. Yeah, but

00:35:11.710 --> 00:35:14.769
you also wrote that they might put condos up.

00:35:14.769 --> 00:35:17.289
They're gonna. So they put it in the laws, like

00:35:17.289 --> 00:35:21.349
in the subtext, like, hey, if we run out of money

00:35:21.349 --> 00:35:23.469
for this project, we should be allowed to put

00:35:23.469 --> 00:35:26.570
in high rises or maybe a prison to pay for it.

00:35:26.570 --> 00:35:28.829
A prison? Which means that's what they're going

00:35:28.829 --> 00:35:31.780
to do. You don't want a prison there? This is

00:35:31.780 --> 00:35:34.099
past Avenue D. This is all poor people, blacks,

00:35:34.320 --> 00:35:35.579
Latinos. It would help the neighborhood. That

00:35:35.579 --> 00:35:38.300
area is crazy. It's great out there. It's softball.

00:35:38.300 --> 00:35:40.960
Avenue D? No, no, the park. Oh, but you've got

00:35:40.960 --> 00:35:42.460
to go through Avenue D. It's like an obstacle

00:35:42.460 --> 00:35:45.139
course of heroin needles and Puerto Ricans. Avenue

00:35:45.139 --> 00:35:48.300
D is not the best. No, it's D for dead. A is

00:35:48.300 --> 00:35:50.739
all right. B is be careful. C is... It's awful.

00:35:50.760 --> 00:35:53.960
They just rebuilt it. Cut D. The park was open

00:35:53.960 --> 00:35:57.570
two days after Sandy. The park is fine. And they're

00:35:57.570 --> 00:36:00.949
just like, land grab. So is it all done? Is it

00:36:00.949 --> 00:36:02.769
said and done? They're about to start demolishing

00:36:02.769 --> 00:36:06.480
that big amphitheater out there. They're tearing

00:36:06.480 --> 00:36:08.820
that down. What? Cutting down a thousand trees.

00:36:08.860 --> 00:36:11.760
I thought that the parks were protected in New

00:36:11.760 --> 00:36:13.460
York City. I thought that was like a vital part

00:36:13.460 --> 00:36:15.840
of the city. Yeah. Fucking de Blasio's like,

00:36:15.920 --> 00:36:17.739
let's sell out the fucking rights to it to make

00:36:17.739 --> 00:36:19.820
money. Bro, what is that guy all about? He wants

00:36:19.820 --> 00:36:21.920
to be governor now, too. It's so creepy. What's

00:36:21.920 --> 00:36:23.480
his real name? You ever see his real name? Yeah.

00:36:23.820 --> 00:36:27.099
It's not Bill de Blasio. No. It's like Warren

00:36:27.099 --> 00:36:28.960
or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's

00:36:28.960 --> 00:36:29.940
got a real weird name. He pulled a Theismann?

00:36:30.280 --> 00:36:31.980
Oh, yeah. He pulled a Theismann? Yeah. It's a

00:36:31.980 --> 00:36:34.559
total fake name. It's Notre Dame. He does not

00:36:34.559 --> 00:36:36.260
have an Italian last name. name. Here it is.

00:36:36.340 --> 00:36:40.679
Warren Wilhelm Jr. Sounds like a rich white guy.

00:36:41.000 --> 00:36:43.960
Yeah, it does. Junior? I heard his wife's not

00:36:43.960 --> 00:36:46.380
really black. Why did he change his name? Does

00:36:46.380 --> 00:36:50.079
the name have a significance to it? It sounds

00:36:50.079 --> 00:36:53.679
ethnic. It's like Garcetti. What's his name?

00:36:53.920 --> 00:37:00.579
L .A. Oh! J -Mo! Garcetti changed it to... He

00:37:00.579 --> 00:37:02.480
worked for the fucking Central Intelligence.

00:37:02.760 --> 00:37:05.750
His dad was a CIA spook? Yes. Oh, his uncle.

00:37:05.909 --> 00:37:09.190
His paternal uncle worked for the Central Intelligence

00:37:09.190 --> 00:37:10.829
Agency and he said, hey, you know, you should...

00:37:11.050 --> 00:37:13.110
Change your name to an Italian guy. Damn, that's

00:37:13.110 --> 00:37:15.170
hilarious. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know that guy in

00:37:15.170 --> 00:37:17.309
L .A. Villaraigosa. Villaraigosa. He changed

00:37:17.309 --> 00:37:19.929
his name. His name is Villar. Thank you. His

00:37:19.929 --> 00:37:22.269
wife's name and his name, he combined, though,

00:37:22.329 --> 00:37:25.210
which almost works. Like, he married a lady,

00:37:25.250 --> 00:37:27.690
and she had something, a gosa. She was gross.

00:37:28.090 --> 00:37:30.030
Was she? Yeah, so they called her Villaraigosa.

00:37:30.210 --> 00:37:32.349
No. No, that's not true. I'm pretty sure, Joe.

00:37:32.369 --> 00:37:34.150
I don't know. Do the research. The documents

00:37:34.150 --> 00:37:37.010
are there. Wait, there's a gross lady? Oh, yeah.

00:37:37.170 --> 00:37:39.159
Yeah, his wife. What was she? Why? What? Why

00:37:39.159 --> 00:37:41.320
was she gross? Her attitude, mostly. Her attitude,

00:37:41.340 --> 00:37:43.139
mostly. So you're trying to save this park? Yeah.

00:37:44.059 --> 00:37:46.500
No, different lady, different show. We're talking

00:37:46.500 --> 00:37:50.280
about L .A. It was the mayor of L .A. Oh. Tony

00:37:50.280 --> 00:37:54.119
Villaraigosa. Then we got big into mayors. Yeah,

00:37:54.139 --> 00:37:56.099
well, I didn't give a fuck about them until the

00:37:56.099 --> 00:37:57.519
pandemic when I realized they could actually

00:37:57.519 --> 00:37:59.420
do things. Yeah, never thought about it. They

00:37:59.420 --> 00:38:01.000
could shut down restaurants and shit. I was like,

00:38:01.079 --> 00:38:03.420
oh, my God. You ever think, I feel bad for these

00:38:03.420 --> 00:38:04.860
mayors because they went into it going like,

00:38:04.900 --> 00:38:06.420
we're going to change, I guess, the school system,

00:38:06.480 --> 00:38:07.800
maybe pave some roads, and then they're like,

00:38:07.940 --> 00:38:10.039
handle a fucking international pandemic. And

00:38:10.039 --> 00:38:12.139
they'd be like, oh, that's not my thing. That's

00:38:12.139 --> 00:38:13.940
what they've been jerking off over. They're like,

00:38:14.019 --> 00:38:16.300
I wish I had all this. Yeah, you're right. This

00:38:16.300 --> 00:38:19.099
is my city. They love power. Shut down that Burger

00:38:19.099 --> 00:38:21.880
King. This is my city. Have you seen that lady

00:38:21.880 --> 00:38:24.340
who's running New Zealand? If she even gets asked

00:38:24.340 --> 00:38:26.219
questions at press conferences and people yell

00:38:26.219 --> 00:38:27.539
out questions, she goes, we're going to shut

00:38:27.539 --> 00:38:29.619
this down. We're going to shut this down if you

00:38:29.619 --> 00:38:31.719
keep yelling out. And then she just leaves. She's

00:38:31.719 --> 00:38:33.659
like a Lady Trump. Accredited, accredited press

00:38:33.659 --> 00:38:36.579
only. And so she leaves. She took the fucking

00:38:36.579 --> 00:38:38.960
press conference indoors because they were yelling

00:38:38.960 --> 00:38:41.300
out about the vaccine program that they have

00:38:41.300 --> 00:38:43.119
in Israel, how it's not working, and about the

00:38:43.119 --> 00:38:45.260
vaccinated people account for a vast percentage

00:38:45.260 --> 00:38:47.000
of the people that are testing positive and even

00:38:47.000 --> 00:38:49.380
deaths. And so this guy's yelling that out. But

00:38:49.380 --> 00:38:51.820
what about this? You're yelling out about this

00:38:51.820 --> 00:38:53.730
vaccine program. You want everybody to be vaccinated.

00:38:54.090 --> 00:38:56.570
Tell us what you know about how it's failing

00:38:56.570 --> 00:38:58.230
in Israel. And she goes, we're going to shut

00:38:58.230 --> 00:39:00.130
this down if you keep with a big smile on her

00:39:00.130 --> 00:39:02.900
face. But they have ultimate power now. Yikes.

00:39:02.900 --> 00:39:04.199
They have the power to shut down businesses,

00:39:04.579 --> 00:39:07.099
keep people in their homes. It's not as simple

00:39:07.099 --> 00:39:09.300
as just protecting people. It's also they have

00:39:09.300 --> 00:39:11.400
power. So when they have power, they fucking

00:39:11.400 --> 00:39:12.940
like it, man. That's the reason why they run.

00:39:13.139 --> 00:39:15.500
Those are the kind of people that run for governor

00:39:15.500 --> 00:39:17.619
and mayor in the first place. They enjoy telling

00:39:17.619 --> 00:39:19.320
people what to do. They're dorks. Well, they

00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:21.159
like being the king. They want to be bullies.

00:39:21.260 --> 00:39:24.829
I like being the queen. Remember when... not

00:39:24.829 --> 00:39:27.210
knowing anything about politics was normal. Totally

00:39:27.210 --> 00:39:29.349
normal. Now it's like, the Mueller report. I

00:39:29.349 --> 00:39:31.590
have friends who are like, Scaramucci. I'm like,

00:39:31.650 --> 00:39:33.250
I don't know any of this shit. And neither did

00:39:33.250 --> 00:39:35.869
you 10 minutes ago. 10 minutes ago, yeah. You

00:39:35.869 --> 00:39:37.289
read the headline, now you act like you know.

00:39:37.530 --> 00:39:39.690
Jen Psaki. I'm like, who are these names? Jen

00:39:39.690 --> 00:39:41.909
Psaki's cute. Is she? I'd like to give her a

00:39:41.909 --> 00:39:42.929
kiss on the lips. She's got the vid right now.

00:39:43.150 --> 00:39:45.030
She got COVID. You like that? You like redheads?

00:39:45.230 --> 00:39:47.829
Yeah, nice. Ginger music. You like that, huh?

00:39:47.969 --> 00:39:49.849
I like a good idea. Jen Psaki would be listening

00:39:49.849 --> 00:39:52.409
to Joe Rogan. Do you know? I bet she does. I

00:39:52.409 --> 00:39:54.170
bet she listens secretly in the car on the way

00:39:54.170 --> 00:39:56.130
to work. Do you know? I never said anything mean

00:39:56.130 --> 00:40:00.889
about her. Do you know redheads? blue team. She's

00:40:00.889 --> 00:40:03.489
Biden's press secretary. That's a wild ass job.

00:40:04.269 --> 00:40:07.570
Now we know what Shane likes. He likes them angry.

00:40:07.809 --> 00:40:10.230
Oh, but she fucks. She likes it in the pooper.

00:40:10.510 --> 00:40:13.789
Hey, don't say that. She screams like, you never

00:40:13.789 --> 00:40:18.909
stop fucking me. I bet her bedroom's got an American

00:40:18.909 --> 00:40:22.630
flag in it. She hates America, yeah. She's a

00:40:22.630 --> 00:40:25.440
Soviet. She's a straight Soviet? No, who was

00:40:25.440 --> 00:40:27.820
the blonde one that Trump hired towards the end?

00:40:27.980 --> 00:40:30.639
The hot one? Yeah. McKenna Neal. Oh, McKenna

00:40:30.639 --> 00:40:33.059
Neal. I'm a fan. She looks like the Big Bang

00:40:33.059 --> 00:40:35.420
Theory. She had some good lines sometimes. On

00:40:35.420 --> 00:40:37.880
the ball. She was very good at that job, and

00:40:37.880 --> 00:40:39.880
that was a hard job. There she is. Yes. What

00:40:39.880 --> 00:40:43.360
a babe, dude. Trump. Wow. I've seen her on Bumble.

00:40:43.360 --> 00:40:44.940
Click that one where your cursor's on. I just

00:40:44.940 --> 00:40:46.579
love that video. A more flattering photo. Where

00:40:46.579 --> 00:40:48.719
she goes, I'm glad you brought that up. And then

00:40:48.719 --> 00:40:51.039
just like bashes that guy. Yeah, bashes him with

00:40:51.039 --> 00:40:53.320
facts. But she's got, let me talk to your manager

00:40:53.320 --> 00:40:56.920
face. Big time. No, she's got, I am your new

00:40:56.920 --> 00:40:58.460
manager, and this is why you have to listen.

00:40:59.559 --> 00:41:02.280
The thing about redheads, I read this thing where

00:41:02.280 --> 00:41:05.239
it said that redheads have like something about

00:41:05.239 --> 00:41:08.860
pain. That they have a higher tolerance for pain?

00:41:09.000 --> 00:41:10.599
That they think it might actually be a genetic

00:41:10.599 --> 00:41:14.019
thing? Irish. Yeah. Let's see if we can find

00:41:14.019 --> 00:41:15.880
that. There was something about redheads and

00:41:15.880 --> 00:41:20.099
pain. Study finds link between red hair and pain

00:41:20.099 --> 00:41:23.260
threshold. Wow. They're the chosen ones. British

00:41:23.260 --> 00:41:25.360
rule. Beat you like a red -headed stepchild.

00:41:25.579 --> 00:41:27.679
Find out. Let's find Louie and start punching

00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:30.099
him. Oh, he can take it. I bet he can. So it

00:41:30.099 --> 00:41:33.619
says people with red hair have a variant. A normal

00:41:33.619 --> 00:41:35.179
man would have killed himself a long time ago.

00:41:36.119 --> 00:41:38.519
I'm saying he's got pain threshold. I heard his

00:41:38.519 --> 00:41:40.539
new special is fucking amazing. I heard the same.

00:41:40.559 --> 00:41:42.900
I heard it's amazing and that fucking sign behind

00:41:42.900 --> 00:41:44.679
him that just says sorry. You were there for

00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:46.260
it? I was just with him. I was on the road with

00:41:46.260 --> 00:41:54.789
him. I was like, you got to get back in. And

00:41:54.789 --> 00:41:56.989
then I think he already deleted it. As soon as

00:41:56.989 --> 00:41:58.530
I left the tour, he deleted it. What a pussy.

00:41:59.929 --> 00:42:04.389
He had a hard time. He was the beloved guy. And

00:42:04.389 --> 00:42:06.489
then all of a sudden they turned on him. I heard

00:42:06.489 --> 00:42:08.090
his new set is amazing. That's what I heard.

00:42:09.070 --> 00:42:10.829
I'll tell you a cool story. He's going to be

00:42:10.829 --> 00:42:13.280
mad. I don't want to disrespect the king. Don't

00:42:13.280 --> 00:42:15.019
get the guy in more trouble. No, it's just a

00:42:15.019 --> 00:42:17.699
funny thing. I got to the hotel, and he was like,

00:42:17.820 --> 00:42:20.460
what are you doing? I was like, I forgot my sunglasses.

00:42:20.480 --> 00:42:21.880
I'm going to go buy a pair of sunglasses. He

00:42:21.880 --> 00:42:22.880
was like, all right, I want you to come to my

00:42:22.880 --> 00:42:24.780
hotel room before you leave. And I was like,

00:42:24.860 --> 00:42:28.679
oh. And then, of course, he knew. He was fucking

00:42:28.679 --> 00:42:30.360
with me. When the doors were closing, he was

00:42:30.360 --> 00:42:33.280
like, I'm not going to jerk off. But I probably

00:42:33.280 --> 00:42:34.639
shouldn't have said that on here. That's all

00:42:34.639 --> 00:42:39.000
right. He's the king. And what he wanted to show

00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:42.300
me was some of that. That he filmed. And then

00:42:42.300 --> 00:42:44.659
I saw the hour and it's like... I heard my friend

00:42:44.659 --> 00:42:46.920
went. I cannot wait for everyone to see it. He

00:42:46.920 --> 00:42:49.480
already filmed it? Yeah. At the Garden. The Hulu,

00:42:49.579 --> 00:42:52.179
right? Yeah. When is it coming out? I'm not sure.

00:42:53.219 --> 00:42:54.539
That's a little awkward, though, that he showed

00:42:54.539 --> 00:42:57.480
you that. I get it. I should have said that story.

00:42:57.659 --> 00:43:00.880
I know. I get it. Yeah. He and I talked about

00:43:00.880 --> 00:43:02.780
doing the podcast twice. Delete that story. Two

00:43:02.780 --> 00:43:04.539
separate occasions. Delete the story. No, we're

00:43:04.539 --> 00:43:06.420
keeping that story. I love him. Delete the story.

00:43:07.139 --> 00:43:09.179
He's my favorite guy in the world. He's a great

00:43:09.179 --> 00:43:11.139
guy. What's wrong with that story? That wasn't

00:43:11.139 --> 00:43:13.840
bad. You didn't say anything bad about him. I

00:43:13.840 --> 00:43:15.980
got a bad Louis story. So I used to open for

00:43:15.980 --> 00:43:20.039
him before he was in trouble. And, you know,

00:43:20.059 --> 00:43:22.119
he was like the king of comedy for a while. He

00:43:22.119 --> 00:43:23.780
was the funniest guy ever, you know, whatever.

00:43:23.920 --> 00:43:25.420
So I used to open for him and it was the highlight

00:43:25.420 --> 00:43:27.400
of my life. And then we were hanging out in his

00:43:27.400 --> 00:43:30.360
hotel room watching a movie and we were talking

00:43:30.360 --> 00:43:32.920
and I was sitting on his bed and he was sitting

00:43:32.920 --> 00:43:35.980
at the chair. in the hotel room, and I go, hey,

00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:39.000
Louie, and I farted. On his bed? On his bed.

00:43:39.780 --> 00:43:43.079
He lost it. He flipped. I was like, you're like

00:43:43.079 --> 00:43:45.340
the filthy comedy guy. I thought you would love

00:43:45.340 --> 00:43:46.920
a fart. And he was like, dude, what are you doing?

00:43:47.599 --> 00:43:51.320
I was crushed. But did he get actually angry

00:43:51.320 --> 00:43:53.260
or just like that, dude, what are you doing?

00:43:53.400 --> 00:43:55.159
It was worse because he was like, I'm disappointed

00:43:55.159 --> 00:43:57.139
in you. I thought we were building a relationship

00:43:57.139 --> 00:43:59.000
and you farted in my hotel room. I could see

00:43:59.000 --> 00:44:01.300
that 100%. I thought he'd love it. He strikes

00:44:01.300 --> 00:44:04.280
me as a guy that would. Yeah. I could see him

00:44:04.280 --> 00:44:05.840
going both ways. Interesting. I could see him

00:44:05.840 --> 00:44:07.340
going like, that was hilarious. Or like, hey,

00:44:07.360 --> 00:44:08.559
dude, what the fuck? You caught him on a bad

00:44:08.559 --> 00:44:11.239
day. And it was a great fart, too. I really thought

00:44:11.239 --> 00:44:15.280
he would be like, oh, shit. He'll tell you a

00:44:15.280 --> 00:44:16.679
funny story about that. One time I was at an

00:44:16.679 --> 00:44:20.059
offensive lineman camp. So it's just fat guys.

00:44:20.539 --> 00:44:22.820
Yeah. Me and this dude are paired up together.

00:44:22.840 --> 00:44:25.400
We're in a dorm room. And I farted. And he was

00:44:25.400 --> 00:44:30.869
like, fuck that. Yes. He tried to fight me. I

00:44:30.869 --> 00:44:34.210
was like, we're all 300 pounds. I know. This

00:44:34.210 --> 00:44:36.250
is a fart camp. All we do is fart. This is all

00:44:36.250 --> 00:44:39.030
we're doing. It's a fart camp. We're pushing

00:44:39.030 --> 00:44:40.769
each other and farting. Why did he get mad at

00:44:40.769 --> 00:44:43.329
you? He got furious. And then I had an offensive

00:44:43.329 --> 00:44:46.349
line coach. In college, I farted during a team

00:44:46.349 --> 00:44:48.829
meeting, and he stopped the film. He was like,

00:44:48.889 --> 00:44:50.889
we don't do that in here. What? What? And I was

00:44:50.889 --> 00:44:52.690
like, we all do that in here. That's the only

00:44:52.690 --> 00:44:55.769
thing we're doing. It's not the N -word. You

00:44:55.769 --> 00:44:59.610
guys have fucking protein just synthesizing in

00:44:59.610 --> 00:45:01.610
your glass. All 300 -pound men just sitting there

00:45:01.610 --> 00:45:04.309
just destroying farts. Just fucking creatine

00:45:04.309 --> 00:45:06.989
as protein. I was bad. That's why. I was a nasty

00:45:06.989 --> 00:45:08.909
one? I sucked. No, no, it didn't smell. I just

00:45:08.909 --> 00:45:11.989
wasn't good. Right. If you were a starter, you'd

00:45:11.989 --> 00:45:15.380
be like, oh, good. Mark Taylor farts. People

00:45:15.380 --> 00:45:18.119
give him nutcrack. Joe's got a reference. Yeah,

00:45:18.159 --> 00:45:20.320
I know football guys. I've seen a few football

00:45:20.320 --> 00:45:24.099
guys. He was a big guy. Everybody knew him. He

00:45:24.099 --> 00:45:27.800
played linebacker. Fucked people up. There's

00:45:27.800 --> 00:45:30.320
another one. Ray Lewis. Killed a guy playing

00:45:30.320 --> 00:45:32.860
linebacker. I think he killed a guy. Someone

00:45:32.860 --> 00:45:35.039
with him killed a guy. Allegedly. He had a lady

00:45:35.039 --> 00:45:37.920
in the elevator. No, that's Ray Rice. What did

00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:40.780
you say? Ray Lewis. Oh, sorry. Another Ray. Different

00:45:40.780 --> 00:45:42.679
black Ray. You know who's got a great bit about

00:45:42.679 --> 00:45:44.659
football players getting in trouble is Neil Brennan.

00:45:44.699 --> 00:45:46.400
That's a great bit. It's a great bit. I don't

00:45:46.400 --> 00:45:47.340
want to say it because I don't know if he did.

00:45:47.400 --> 00:45:49.280
Did he put it on a special? I think he did. He

00:45:49.280 --> 00:45:51.460
did? Yeah, that's such a good bit. Yeah, about

00:45:51.460 --> 00:45:54.480
football players doing football but outside of

00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:57.779
the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People get mad. I'm

00:45:57.779 --> 00:45:59.760
fucking it up, but it's great. No, it's a very

00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:02.280
solid bit. Neil's a very good writer. I agree.

00:46:02.460 --> 00:46:04.880
Very good writer. Yeah, he's clever. Like, he'll

00:46:04.880 --> 00:46:06.739
say something sometimes on my, and I'll go, ooh,

00:46:07.039 --> 00:46:09.300
nice. I like him. I like how you put it together.

00:46:09.519 --> 00:46:11.860
He's unlikable. I like him a lot. He's a hell

00:46:11.860 --> 00:46:14.239
of a writer. No, I'm joking. Some people don't

00:46:14.239 --> 00:46:15.980
like him. I like him a lot. I like him, too.

00:46:16.019 --> 00:46:17.780
He's got a bad face, but I like him. He's got

00:46:17.780 --> 00:46:19.699
a fine face. He's got a wrestling face. I'm more

00:46:19.699 --> 00:46:22.619
of a Kevin Brennan guy. Oh, I like Kevin. Kevin's

00:46:22.619 --> 00:46:25.179
like, I love Kevin, but man. He's got to chill

00:46:25.179 --> 00:46:27.599
out. You put yourself in a corner all the time.

00:46:27.739 --> 00:46:29.500
I was like, do you ever get worried that you're

00:46:29.500 --> 00:46:30.539
going to run into people you talk shit about?

00:46:30.579 --> 00:46:31.679
He goes, yeah, I can't even go to the cellar.

00:46:31.780 --> 00:46:33.639
I've got to go right downstairs. I like how he

00:46:33.639 --> 00:46:35.800
acts like it's an outside force. He's like, I

00:46:35.800 --> 00:46:37.760
can't help it. It's somebody else's fault. I

00:46:37.760 --> 00:46:40.260
can't go there. He's a psycho. He's crossing

00:46:40.260 --> 00:46:43.000
enemy lines. He's funny as shit. He really is.

00:46:43.079 --> 00:46:44.539
Every time he's like, hey, bring somebody's name

00:46:44.539 --> 00:46:45.900
up. I'm like, I'm not going to say he's a hack.

00:46:46.639 --> 00:46:51.320
Yeah. People have sent me videos of him shitting

00:46:51.320 --> 00:46:53.380
on me, and for some reason it doesn't hurt when

00:46:53.380 --> 00:46:54.820
it's Kevin. Exactly. Because you're like, ah,

00:46:54.900 --> 00:46:57.980
he's so sad or whatever. Yeah. And he's not wrong.

00:46:58.159 --> 00:47:01.059
Yeah. He's so sad. Does he have a special? I

00:47:01.059 --> 00:47:02.139
don't think so. He has a long time to go his

00:47:02.139 --> 00:47:04.199
half hour. He did the first Comedy Central Presents.

00:47:04.539 --> 00:47:07.980
Yeah, and it killed. You know who has no special?

00:47:08.260 --> 00:47:11.300
Who? Tony Woods. He's got one. He does? He just

00:47:11.300 --> 00:47:13.079
signed one with Netflix. I don't know if I'm

00:47:13.079 --> 00:47:14.699
supposed to say that. He's the most underrated

00:47:14.699 --> 00:47:16.619
comic in America. One of the best ever. Killer.

00:47:16.900 --> 00:47:20.280
The hardest follow for me. Oh, bro follow. Because

00:47:20.280 --> 00:47:22.579
he does what I do, but he does conversational,

00:47:22.659 --> 00:47:24.760
but he does it so much better than me. He's so

00:47:24.760 --> 00:47:27.739
smooth. Yeah, so smooth. Sexy. It bothers me

00:47:27.739 --> 00:47:30.239
that it took so long. I mean, it took Chappelle

00:47:30.239 --> 00:47:33.460
becoming a monolith, like a monster, for people

00:47:33.460 --> 00:47:37.300
to realize that Chappelle was influenced by Tony

00:47:37.300 --> 00:47:38.900
Woods, and then people hear about Tony Woods.

00:47:38.960 --> 00:47:41.420
There he is. There he is. He's so chill on stage.

00:47:41.599 --> 00:47:43.400
Yeah, I want to blow him. He's so funny. Funny

00:47:43.400 --> 00:47:46.769
dude. Oh, that's They Ready? That's a little

00:47:46.769 --> 00:47:49.909
set he did with Tiffany Haddish. I think he does

00:47:49.909 --> 00:47:53.369
a full hour soon. Nice pants, though. Well, that's

00:47:53.369 --> 00:47:54.730
good to hear because it's going to be great.

00:47:54.909 --> 00:47:58.030
He's like 75, too. He looks amazing. He's finally

00:47:58.030 --> 00:48:00.170
ready. I don't think he's that old. He's finally

00:48:00.170 --> 00:48:03.889
fucking ready. He's going by they now? Can you

00:48:03.889 --> 00:48:05.889
imagine? Imagine there's a comic who gave in

00:48:05.889 --> 00:48:09.070
to that. What? Yeah, there are. They them? Oh,

00:48:09.150 --> 00:48:11.630
that's a couple. Name one. Oh, you guys are in

00:48:11.630 --> 00:48:13.510
New York City. I keep forgetting. Well, that's

00:48:13.510 --> 00:48:14.809
not in LA. Oh, you're not in LA. You're basically

00:48:14.809 --> 00:48:18.429
doing comedy in China. There's like 12 clubs

00:48:18.429 --> 00:48:20.010
there. I don't know. It's a satellite club of

00:48:20.010 --> 00:48:23.389
China. What? New York City? Yeah, it's what it

00:48:23.389 --> 00:48:25.769
is. It's like communism is slowly making its

00:48:25.769 --> 00:48:27.670
way into New York City, and then it'll work its

00:48:27.670 --> 00:48:29.710
way west. New York's the best. That'd have been

00:48:29.710 --> 00:48:32.360
New York's the best. It's a great place. I think

00:48:32.360 --> 00:48:34.679
it's the best. It's pretty great. It's just people

00:48:34.679 --> 00:48:36.940
going for it. It's what? It's the Chai Coms.

00:48:36.940 --> 00:48:39.179
What's the Chai Coms? The Chai Coms. What does

00:48:39.179 --> 00:48:42.480
that mean? Chinese communists. Oh, Chai Coms.

00:48:42.480 --> 00:48:44.820
Chai Coms. I like what you're saying. Brooklyn's

00:48:44.820 --> 00:48:49.500
tough. I did a show for Marion. I think Night

00:48:49.500 --> 00:48:50.920
Train or one of the other ones Marion was. Oh,

00:48:50.920 --> 00:48:52.690
yeah. And I got off stage. He goes, oh, I forgot

00:48:52.690 --> 00:48:53.889
to tell you. They're going to hate you just looking

00:48:53.889 --> 00:48:56.250
at you. They're going to hate you just looking

00:48:56.250 --> 00:48:57.670
at you. Yeah, like you're not. Yeah, you look

00:48:57.670 --> 00:48:59.909
like all their landlords. Yeah, exactly. Tall

00:48:59.909 --> 00:49:03.250
white guy. Good juju. You're going to walk in

00:49:03.250 --> 00:49:06.389
there and say, juju, motherfucker. I'm sorry.

00:49:06.590 --> 00:49:08.329
It's been a rough year. Just give me five days.

00:49:10.289 --> 00:49:12.809
Yeah, that's Brooklyn. Isn't that weird to hate

00:49:12.809 --> 00:49:14.369
somebody based on how they look? Isn't that what

00:49:14.369 --> 00:49:17.619
we're trying to go against? You're a bigot. You're

00:49:17.619 --> 00:49:21.760
a bigot for that now? It's so confusing. It's

00:49:21.760 --> 00:49:28.300
still fun. Hating men is not bigotry. Let that

00:49:28.300 --> 00:49:35.619
simmer. Can I get another light here? I want

00:49:35.619 --> 00:49:38.559
out. I can't smoke too much. I get anxiety. Yeah,

00:49:38.579 --> 00:49:41.019
I keep inhaling it. Oh, boy. I've been smoking

00:49:41.019 --> 00:49:45.440
so many cigars since I moved to Texas. This company,

00:49:45.659 --> 00:49:47.719
Foundation Cigars, shout out to them. They're

00:49:47.719 --> 00:49:51.739
the ones who made the JRE cigar blend. They've

00:49:51.739 --> 00:49:53.920
been sending me boxes of cigars. So I'm like,

00:49:53.920 --> 00:49:55.940
smoking a lot of cigars. I asked you months ago.

00:49:57.900 --> 00:50:01.139
I'm joking. I'll fill in the ones that are missing,

00:50:01.260 --> 00:50:02.880
the ones we smoked. I have four in that. I'll

00:50:02.880 --> 00:50:04.639
give you those. You have a full box. But I have

00:50:04.639 --> 00:50:06.099
an extra box. I'll have them send you boxes.

00:50:06.099 --> 00:50:07.360
I told Bobby, I was like, I want to try one.

00:50:07.400 --> 00:50:08.539
He said he sent me one. And then a month later,

00:50:08.619 --> 00:50:10.139
he's like, where is it? I'm like, dude, he's

00:50:10.139 --> 00:50:12.840
got stuff going on. I'm so busy. I forget. My

00:50:12.840 --> 00:50:14.699
wife tells me shit. I forget it five minutes

00:50:14.699 --> 00:50:16.289
later. I go, when did you tell me that? It was

00:50:16.289 --> 00:50:17.869
like five minutes ago. I think that's pretty

00:50:17.869 --> 00:50:20.230
normal. Yeah. I have a filter. It's amazing.

00:50:20.610 --> 00:50:23.630
Because I remember shit from the 20s. I remember

00:50:23.630 --> 00:50:26.789
shit from the old days. I remember facts and

00:50:26.789 --> 00:50:28.849
statistics that I should not have in my head

00:50:28.849 --> 00:50:30.829
at all because they don't do me any good. But

00:50:30.829 --> 00:50:33.369
yet, things that people tell me. How many times

00:50:33.369 --> 00:50:34.969
has someone told you their name and it's just

00:50:34.969 --> 00:50:38.130
gone in a second? Gone. What is that? How come

00:50:38.130 --> 00:50:39.750
that happens? I guess they're not memorable.

00:50:40.090 --> 00:50:41.809
It's not that. Because sometimes you want to

00:50:41.809 --> 00:50:43.030
know their name. They're really nice. You just

00:50:43.030 --> 00:50:45.670
don't set it in. Yeah. Dude, I have, like, cousins.

00:50:47.610 --> 00:50:52.130
You just call them dude? Here's the best thing

00:50:52.130 --> 00:50:53.969
to do when somebody, like, realizes, like, oh,

00:50:53.989 --> 00:50:54.989
I've known this guy for a while. I haven't known

00:50:54.989 --> 00:50:56.349
his name. So I'll ask you, like, hey, what's

00:50:56.349 --> 00:50:57.869
that guy's name? Just to know for sure. It's,

00:50:57.929 --> 00:50:59.030
like, it's been too long. Hit him with the other

00:50:59.030 --> 00:51:01.670
intro. Hit him with a different name. What? Just

00:51:01.670 --> 00:51:03.519
who is that? It's, like, that's Sam. Oh, when

00:51:03.519 --> 00:51:05.260
you fuck with him? Sweet, thank you. And then

00:51:05.260 --> 00:51:07.059
that guy will, out of his way, go, hey, Sam,

00:51:07.099 --> 00:51:09.500
I see you again, Sammy. He'll just keep doing

00:51:09.500 --> 00:51:12.340
it. It pays off. You're not there all the time.

00:51:12.340 --> 00:51:13.780
It's one of the best pranks. You know what a

00:51:13.780 --> 00:51:15.460
good move is when you don't know someone's name?

00:51:15.539 --> 00:51:17.380
You bring someone with you. That's big. That's

00:51:17.380 --> 00:51:19.500
a good one. And they say, hey, you don't introduce

00:51:19.500 --> 00:51:21.500
them. Oh, I didn't mention that. Yeah, you make

00:51:21.500 --> 00:51:23.920
it awkward. It's easy. Yeah, and you hope the

00:51:23.920 --> 00:51:25.679
person says their name. They'll say it back.

00:51:25.739 --> 00:51:28.820
And if they don't, you just gotta run away. I

00:51:28.820 --> 00:51:30.579
think there's a Curb episode about that. Oh,

00:51:30.579 --> 00:51:33.420
really? Yeah. I'm a fucking hack. I know, Larry

00:51:33.420 --> 00:51:37.579
David sucks. That is a nice one, though. Have

00:51:37.579 --> 00:51:39.480
you ever seen him do stand -up? No, but I met

00:51:39.480 --> 00:51:41.980
him once, and he was everything I hoped he would

00:51:41.980 --> 00:51:45.030
be. Yeah? Yeah, and he... I don't know if I should

00:51:45.030 --> 00:51:47.090
say it, but he went home with a pretty hot lady

00:51:47.090 --> 00:51:50.289
at this party. Nice. He just sank his whole fucking

00:51:50.289 --> 00:51:52.889
life. Well, I mean, he's a heterosexual single

00:51:52.889 --> 00:51:55.650
man. Is he? Oh, yeah. He's not married? He got

00:51:55.650 --> 00:51:58.210
divorced. When? About a year and a half ago?

00:51:58.349 --> 00:51:59.949
Two years ago? Do you think he's slinging dick?

00:52:00.030 --> 00:52:01.949
Does Larry David sling dick? What are you kidding?

00:52:02.030 --> 00:52:05.769
He's lucid. Skinny, lanky. 68? See this guy's

00:52:05.769 --> 00:52:08.110
dong? Giant hog. I've seen his hog about 100

00:52:08.110 --> 00:52:10.550
times. Yeah, bro. It's a dong. Solid ball sack,

00:52:10.550 --> 00:52:11.889
too. How many times have I seen your dick? Seriously.

00:52:12.170 --> 00:52:15.190
Uncountable. It's amazing. It's Will Chamberlain

00:52:15.190 --> 00:52:17.389
numbers. He's got a big dick. I mean, mine's

00:52:17.389 --> 00:52:19.690
decent. He's got a very big dick. That's how

00:52:19.690 --> 00:52:22.349
he handled the antibody lines. Yeah. He's going

00:52:22.349 --> 00:52:25.730
to handle this. I'm honest. I've talked to people

00:52:25.730 --> 00:52:27.630
who've blown him. Oh, nice. Congratulations.

00:52:27.710 --> 00:52:30.969
Greg Fitzsimmons. Wah, wah, wah. Greg is in San

00:52:30.969 --> 00:52:33.130
Francisco this weekend, ladies. Go and see him.

00:52:33.190 --> 00:52:35.690
Also a big piece on that Irish. Fitzy? It's a

00:52:35.690 --> 00:52:38.630
funny guy. Oh, man. He's another guy. Very underrated.

00:52:39.050 --> 00:52:41.690
Yes. He's a fucking very underrated comic. Always

00:52:41.690 --> 00:52:44.650
brings it. Real pro. Solid, solid comic. Funny

00:52:44.650 --> 00:52:48.219
fucking dude. Sorry. Yeah. That's somebody's

00:52:48.219 --> 00:52:51.420
dad. Yeah. My dad wore a bad suit and had a briefcase.

00:52:51.659 --> 00:52:53.579
He has jokes about that, too. Like, his kids

00:52:53.579 --> 00:52:55.219
give him shit. He's like, you don't fucking know

00:52:55.219 --> 00:52:59.340
me. He also is good with, like, roasty stuff.

00:52:59.599 --> 00:53:01.980
Oh, yeah. And so, like, if his daughter's like,

00:53:02.059 --> 00:53:03.519
you don't know anything. He's like, oh, is it

00:53:03.519 --> 00:53:07.760
on? Oh, it's on. It's just like, I would not

00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:11.179
start with that guy. Greg and I started one week

00:53:11.179 --> 00:53:14.119
apart from each other. Wow. We did the road together

00:53:14.119 --> 00:53:17.059
as open micers. We would drive all the way to

00:53:17.059 --> 00:53:18.920
Rhode Island to do like fucking 10 minutes on

00:53:18.920 --> 00:53:21.510
an open mic for free. I love those days. Those

00:53:21.510 --> 00:53:23.570
were good times. Yeah, we did so many gigs together.

00:53:23.670 --> 00:53:26.730
My God. Like in the late 80s. Wow. We traveled

00:53:26.730 --> 00:53:28.710
everywhere together. You didn't realize how fun

00:53:28.710 --> 00:53:30.210
that was at the time. At the time, you're like,

00:53:30.250 --> 00:53:32.250
this sucks. We're bombing every night. We're

00:53:32.250 --> 00:53:34.150
getting no money. I got a day job. We kind of

00:53:34.150 --> 00:53:36.389
enjoyed that we were getting on stage. Yeah.

00:53:36.389 --> 00:53:38.690
Yeah, it was that. But we didn't think we were

00:53:38.690 --> 00:53:41.230
21. We didn't think that it was ever going to

00:53:41.230 --> 00:53:44.969
be a career. Right. I remember I went to this

00:53:44.969 --> 00:53:47.329
guy, DJ Hazard's apartment. I know DJ Hazard.

00:53:47.329 --> 00:53:48.909
You know DJ Hazard? Yeah, funny guy. Funny guy.

00:53:49.050 --> 00:53:52.519
DJ Hazard. had a loft in Massachusetts, somewhere

00:53:52.519 --> 00:53:55.139
outside of Boston. And it was like they took

00:53:55.139 --> 00:53:57.420
an old school building and they converted it

00:53:57.420 --> 00:53:59.500
into apartments. And I went to his apartment.

00:53:59.559 --> 00:54:02.300
It was like exposed wood. And he had like this

00:54:02.300 --> 00:54:04.420
fucking cool apartment. I remember thinking,

00:54:04.480 --> 00:54:08.119
my God, imagine he pays for this with jokes.

00:54:08.219 --> 00:54:10.619
Wow, yeah. I remember thinking that because I

00:54:10.619 --> 00:54:12.619
was doing like three different jobs. I was driving

00:54:12.619 --> 00:54:14.780
limos and working construction. It didn't seem

00:54:14.780 --> 00:54:16.929
possible, right? It didn't seem possible. This

00:54:16.929 --> 00:54:19.289
guy's a professional comedian. That's all he

00:54:19.289 --> 00:54:21.230
does. And he headlines everywhere you go. You

00:54:21.230 --> 00:54:24.150
see the little newspaper clippings. It's DJ Hazard.

00:54:24.210 --> 00:54:27.150
Headliner, DJ Hazard. And his face with his eyebrow

00:54:27.150 --> 00:54:30.329
raised up, looking hilarious. There he is. There's

00:54:30.329 --> 00:54:32.829
DJ. Eyebrow raised. There's the eyebrow raised.

00:54:32.929 --> 00:54:35.710
That was back when comics were beefy and scary.

00:54:35.969 --> 00:54:38.510
Well, they were in Boston. He's a big fucking

00:54:38.510 --> 00:54:40.710
guy. They were all these big fucking guys. Look

00:54:40.710 --> 00:54:42.730
at the size of his neck. Terrifying. He looks

00:54:42.730 --> 00:54:44.789
like the thing. He's like a bad guy from Dune.

00:54:44.929 --> 00:54:47.559
But sweetheart of a guy. Very, very nice guy.

00:54:47.659 --> 00:54:50.139
And very funny. Very funny. There were so many

00:54:50.139 --> 00:54:52.599
of those guys. Dana White cheddar. All the guys

00:54:52.599 --> 00:54:54.599
in Boston. Like, Dane Cook had a really good

00:54:54.599 --> 00:54:56.900
point about that. They were all, like, men. Yes.

00:54:56.900 --> 00:55:00.360
They were all, like, 6 '2", burly, 230 -pound

00:55:00.360 --> 00:55:03.559
fucking gorillas. Coke. They were all doing Coke.

00:55:03.860 --> 00:55:05.480
Yeah. Get paid in Coke. You ever get paid in

00:55:05.480 --> 00:55:06.500
Coke? No, they offered it to me. You ever get

00:55:06.500 --> 00:55:08.659
offered? Yeah, they offered it to me. Yeah, they

00:55:08.659 --> 00:55:10.420
said, you want to get paid in cash or Coke or

00:55:10.420 --> 00:55:12.059
both? And I was like, holy shit, give me the

00:55:12.059 --> 00:55:15.119
cash. Dang, that'd be a fun night. You've got

00:55:15.119 --> 00:55:18.480
to take the Coke. Exactly. This is probably the

00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:20.199
time to do it. You've never done cocaine? I've

00:55:20.199 --> 00:55:21.940
never done it either. You should try it. Get

00:55:21.940 --> 00:55:23.099
some pure stuff. That's why we're on this side.

00:55:25.260 --> 00:55:27.559
You've never done blow? I'm not against it, but

00:55:27.559 --> 00:55:29.079
I never did it. How about when we did Molly?

00:55:29.280 --> 00:55:31.179
That was fun. Oh, that was a bad night. When

00:55:31.179 --> 00:55:35.550
was that? Did you fuck him? When was that? Yeah,

00:55:35.989 --> 00:55:39.369
Helium was letting me do shows over COVID. And

00:55:39.369 --> 00:55:41.349
so that was the way we'd be able to party with

00:55:41.349 --> 00:55:43.449
all our friends. So we would do shows at Helium,

00:55:43.449 --> 00:55:44.989
and then once everybody left, we'd clear it out.

00:55:45.030 --> 00:55:47.269
Philly Helium? Yeah, Philly Helium. That's the

00:55:47.269 --> 00:55:48.710
best one. They don't know we were doing this.

00:55:48.909 --> 00:55:52.150
Oh, shit. I told them. You know, they're opening

00:55:52.150 --> 00:55:54.369
up out here. They're opening up in the domain.

00:55:54.510 --> 00:55:57.110
They're reusing the Cap City name. What? Yeah,

00:55:57.150 --> 00:55:59.190
he bought the Cap City name, and he's opening

00:55:59.190 --> 00:56:00.969
up a new Cap City in the domain. Is that going

00:56:00.969 --> 00:56:03.409
to fuck with your room? No, it's fine. I'll go

00:56:03.409 --> 00:56:05.030
there. I'll perform there. Joe said he wants

00:56:05.030 --> 00:56:06.889
to. Do you mind? Yeah. Joe said he wants to go

00:56:06.889 --> 00:56:09.090
to every club in the city to let everybody know,

00:56:09.250 --> 00:56:11.550
like, hey, there's none of this, perform there

00:56:11.550 --> 00:56:13.489
or here show. That's nonsense. That's nonsense.

00:56:13.489 --> 00:56:15.130
I'll perform there, you can perform here. Yeah,

00:56:15.190 --> 00:56:18.510
I'll do all the clubs. I want it to be a fun

00:56:18.510 --> 00:56:21.289
place. All right. I don't give a fuck. You say

00:56:21.289 --> 00:56:23.750
that now, but then your numbers start going down.

00:56:24.869 --> 00:56:27.130
Not my bank account, bitch. Yeah, I bet you he's

00:56:27.130 --> 00:56:29.590
going to be all right with the... Joe got a deal

00:56:29.590 --> 00:56:34.429
for over $100 ,000. Wow. It's not American money.

00:56:34.610 --> 00:56:39.289
Shut the fuck up. You're Illuminati now. Yeah,

00:56:39.289 --> 00:56:41.409
dude. You're Illuminati. I'm not, though. That's

00:56:41.409 --> 00:56:43.730
the problem. Do you have one of those masks you

00:56:43.730 --> 00:56:46.329
hold with a stick? Those are plague masks. I

00:56:46.329 --> 00:56:48.349
have a plague mask. But the fact that you were

00:56:48.349 --> 00:56:51.250
talked about in the debates, that's insane. What?

00:56:51.329 --> 00:56:53.230
What? Like the presidential debates. Like, we

00:56:53.230 --> 00:56:56.809
should get Joe Rogan. Trump wanted me to host

00:56:56.809 --> 00:56:59.269
a debate with him and Biden in the podcast. Damn,

00:56:59.289 --> 00:57:00.510
that would have been good. That's insane. That

00:57:00.510 --> 00:57:02.789
would have been so fun. What t -shirt would you

00:57:02.789 --> 00:57:06.050
have worn? Probably like ACDC. Cypress Hill.

00:57:06.670 --> 00:57:09.730
Yeah, Cypress Hill. You got to do on it, folks.

00:57:09.949 --> 00:57:11.510
That's a tough one. When you look at your cards,

00:57:11.610 --> 00:57:13.309
you're like, what's right for this? Right, what

00:57:13.309 --> 00:57:15.170
is right for this? I probably would have worn

00:57:15.170 --> 00:57:16.909
one of my buddy's t -shirts. There you go. Something

00:57:16.909 --> 00:57:19.050
from someone, like maybe yours. I've worn yours

00:57:19.050 --> 00:57:21.130
a bunch. I love that one, the one that you have

00:57:21.130 --> 00:57:23.130
to look at with the glasses. Oh, the 3D one.

00:57:23.170 --> 00:57:24.969
I fucking lost that one. Do you have other ones

00:57:24.969 --> 00:57:28.070
of those? God. God damn it. Something happened

00:57:28.070 --> 00:57:30.429
in the move, and I can't find that fucking shirt.

00:57:30.530 --> 00:57:32.170
That was one of my favorite ones. They came with

00:57:32.170 --> 00:57:34.170
3D glasses. That was a fun one. That was a good

00:57:34.170 --> 00:57:36.469
one. Try to have cool merch. If you put the glasses

00:57:36.469 --> 00:57:39.429
on, the shirt would perform for you. It would

00:57:39.429 --> 00:57:41.610
wiggle. Oh, all right. Yeah, it was dope. We've

00:57:41.610 --> 00:57:43.309
got a great shirt for tomorrow, for the secret

00:57:43.309 --> 00:57:46.690
show tomorrow. Oh, yeah? Do we? Yeah. Who's the

00:57:46.690 --> 00:57:49.429
secret guest? It's you, Mark! Oh, that's terrible.

00:57:49.429 --> 00:57:51.050
Mark, you're the secret guest. What kind of guest

00:57:51.050 --> 00:57:52.969
is that? What kind of guest is that? Secret show.

00:57:54.000 --> 00:57:56.960
So what's the shirt? I shouldn't even ruin it,

00:57:57.000 --> 00:58:01.559
but I'll just say it's just really cutesy. I'll

00:58:01.559 --> 00:58:03.820
show you a picture of it. It's Louis has sex

00:58:03.820 --> 00:58:07.880
with young boys. Did he say that? I don't want

00:58:07.880 --> 00:58:11.719
any boys. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong

00:58:11.719 --> 00:58:14.340
with you? He's got a son. Give me a medium. It's

00:58:14.340 --> 00:58:17.199
so cutesy, too. Oh, my God, dude. We're donating

00:58:17.199 --> 00:58:20.679
$1 from every ticket to NAMBLA on behalf of Luis

00:58:20.679 --> 00:58:24.059
Gomez. To NAMBLA from Luis Gomez. Is NAMBLA still

00:58:24.059 --> 00:58:26.159
alive? Live and kicking. Is that a thing? Who's

00:58:26.159 --> 00:58:29.219
NAMBLA? The North American Man -Boy Love Association.

00:58:29.579 --> 00:58:32.559
Oh, nice. That's a real thing. I got to pay my

00:58:32.559 --> 00:58:35.840
dues on that. Is that still real? Yeah. Well,

00:58:36.000 --> 00:58:39.000
it was a real thing. I think it's still there.

00:58:39.400 --> 00:58:42.510
NAMBLA? Mm -hmm. What a fucking terrifying organization.

00:58:43.070 --> 00:58:45.469
They loved it so much that they actually formed

00:58:45.469 --> 00:58:48.329
a group. They were like, yeah, there's just a

00:58:48.329 --> 00:58:49.849
lot of us out there. We just got to get together

00:58:49.849 --> 00:58:54.690
and strengthen numbers. I've never heard of that

00:58:54.690 --> 00:58:57.110
one. Namely, you've never heard of it? No. There's

00:58:57.110 --> 00:58:59.269
a whole South Park episode dedicated to it. We

00:58:59.269 --> 00:59:01.210
love young boys. What do you want us to do? Not

00:59:01.210 --> 00:59:04.150
love them? What about NAACP? Is that still kicking?

00:59:05.039 --> 00:59:06.920
You know what's weird about that is you're not

00:59:06.920 --> 00:59:08.579
supposed to say colored people. Colored people's

00:59:08.579 --> 00:59:10.300
weird. Isn't that strange? But you say people

00:59:10.300 --> 00:59:13.300
of color. Exactly. But it's in the thing. Colored

00:59:13.300 --> 00:59:16.219
people. That's what it is. NAACP. You can't really

00:59:16.219 --> 00:59:19.420
attack it. Yeah. You can't attack it? You can't

00:59:19.420 --> 00:59:22.719
attack it. No. Do you want to? Good luck. Can

00:59:22.719 --> 00:59:25.480
we back up when you do it? You're going to go

00:59:25.480 --> 00:59:27.840
ahead and try to attack the NAACP? I think they're

00:59:27.840 --> 00:59:31.380
backwards. I think they need to come with the

00:59:31.380 --> 00:59:33.349
times. It's like this shit's not a... You're

00:59:33.349 --> 00:59:34.369
right. It's not acceptable anymore. It's not

00:59:34.369 --> 00:59:36.650
cool to say colored people? Mm -mm. It is weird

00:59:36.650 --> 00:59:38.489
to say people of color, but colored people's

00:59:38.489 --> 00:59:40.670
bad. It's silly. It just shows you how many goofy

00:59:40.670 --> 00:59:42.309
fucking things there are. Like, how about this?

00:59:42.849 --> 00:59:44.769
Englishmen, fine. Chinamen, you're a terrible

00:59:44.769 --> 00:59:46.829
person. Yeah. Right. Telling me. How about this?

00:59:47.309 --> 00:59:56.760
Ah! Put that down. Do not. He's going to be so

00:59:56.760 --> 01:00:02.059
mad. He's going to be mad. At least make it young

01:00:02.059 --> 01:00:04.960
girls so he's not gay. At least it doesn't look

01:00:04.960 --> 01:00:08.480
anything like him. That looks exactly like Lewis.

01:00:08.519 --> 01:00:12.079
That might look like him after the Jason Ellis

01:00:12.079 --> 01:00:16.159
fight. Did Jason fight? I don't know. Jason Ellis.

01:00:16.420 --> 01:00:17.340
What are you kidding? Listen to me. I don't know.

01:00:17.579 --> 01:00:19.619
Back when he was younger. Back when he was in

01:00:19.619 --> 01:00:21.900
his 20s and 30s a long time ago. Jason Ellis

01:00:21.900 --> 01:00:26.260
can fight. Like, legitimately 100 % fight. Like,

01:00:26.260 --> 01:00:29.719
actually fight. Like, he's very skillful. He's

01:00:29.719 --> 01:00:32.659
got very strong punches. He's very good at placing

01:00:32.659 --> 01:00:33.880
them on your face. Well, then he's going to win.

01:00:34.659 --> 01:00:38.159
No, no, no. Is that Lewis? No, no, no. He's fighting

01:00:38.159 --> 01:00:42.719
Shane Carwin, who's 260 fucking pounds. You're

01:00:42.719 --> 01:00:44.639
leaving out the detail. And a former UFC heavyweight

01:00:44.639 --> 01:00:46.260
champion. Is that him who got knocked out? No,

01:00:46.360 --> 01:00:48.340
that's him knocking a guy out. What is that from?

01:00:48.480 --> 01:00:52.429
Is that pink? That's him fighting Uriah. My favorite

01:00:52.429 --> 01:00:54.929
in a boxing match. I wouldn't fight Pink. Wrestling

01:00:54.929 --> 01:00:57.670
is serious, Jason. Jason Ellis can fight. Oh,

01:00:57.670 --> 01:00:59.010
that's him fighting Mayhem. That's hilarious.

01:00:59.230 --> 01:01:00.670
Mayhem's just letting him punch him. Yeah, but.

01:01:01.000 --> 01:01:02.820
Oh, yeah, this is a problem. I didn't know he

01:01:02.820 --> 01:01:04.679
was doing this. This is all a long time ago.

01:01:04.679 --> 01:01:06.579
Look at the graininess. The graininess of the

01:01:06.579 --> 01:01:08.639
footage. This is so long ago. That's Kit Cope.

01:01:08.699 --> 01:01:10.840
Kit's got tattoos everywhere now. You don't lose

01:01:10.840 --> 01:01:13.420
it, though. He's training with Babalusa Brawl,

01:01:13.420 --> 01:01:15.300
who's a legend. I would beat the shit out of

01:01:15.300 --> 01:01:18.000
Babalusa Brawl. What? What? I pray to Christ

01:01:18.000 --> 01:01:20.039
I see Babaloo on the street. Don't even say that,

01:01:20.039 --> 01:01:22.739
man. He's a big fella. Dr. Drew in his corner.

01:01:23.000 --> 01:01:25.440
Dr. Drew? Dr. Drew in his corner. I'm telling

01:01:25.440 --> 01:01:27.920
you. What's he going to do, therapy him? He's

01:01:27.920 --> 01:01:29.719
right there. He's boxing with Eddie, his boxing

01:01:29.719 --> 01:01:31.940
trainer. So he's probably taking it easy on him.

01:01:31.960 --> 01:01:34.059
But just let me tell you something. Jason Ellis

01:01:34.059 --> 01:01:36.260
can really fight. I've got a lot of money on

01:01:36.260 --> 01:01:37.880
Ellis. He can really fight. Is that bomb squad?

01:01:38.599 --> 01:01:41.440
I think it's the Hollywood boxing gym. Those

01:01:41.440 --> 01:01:43.300
are children. That was the Hollywood boxing gym.

01:01:43.360 --> 01:01:46.199
That place on, is it on La Brea? The upstairs

01:01:46.199 --> 01:01:48.420
place? You know that place on La Brea? It's a

01:01:48.420 --> 01:01:51.719
24 -hour gym. It seems like it might be some

01:01:51.719 --> 01:01:55.300
sort of a. Anyway. The original bomb squad was

01:01:55.300 --> 01:01:57.280
great. So that's him with Shane Cartwood. Look

01:01:57.280 --> 01:02:00.139
at the size differential. He had Shane tape his

01:02:00.139 --> 01:02:02.440
arm down. Shane's knocking him out with one arm

01:02:02.440 --> 01:02:04.440
behind his back. Shane is a fucking monster.

01:02:05.159 --> 01:02:07.179
Shane knocked out everybody. He knocked out Frank

01:02:07.179 --> 01:02:08.719
Mir. Shane is one of the scariest. You can't

01:02:08.719 --> 01:02:10.440
use that as a moment that Jason Ellis is good

01:02:10.440 --> 01:02:13.030
getting knocked out. Listen. What is Lewis thinking?

01:02:13.309 --> 01:02:15.710
Lewis is going to beat him. He's old, and Lewis

01:02:15.710 --> 01:02:18.050
has been training. Lewis is old. Lewis has been

01:02:18.050 --> 01:02:19.449
training. Let's put some money on this. What?

01:02:19.570 --> 01:02:20.929
I already got a lot on Ellis. How much money?

01:02:21.050 --> 01:02:22.269
You want to bet. How much do you want to bet?

01:02:22.510 --> 01:02:24.269
Okay. Keep in mind, money's different for both

01:02:24.269 --> 01:02:25.929
of us. I'm going to bet an amount that makes

01:02:25.929 --> 01:02:30.050
me feel like, oh, that's something. Okay. $1

01:02:30.050 --> 01:02:32.489
,000. Okay. Hey, that's substantial. $1 ,000.

01:02:32.769 --> 01:02:34.630
$1 ,000. Okay. Do we have to shake on it, or

01:02:34.630 --> 01:02:36.429
we're just friends? We're friends. We're friends.

01:02:36.530 --> 01:02:39.230
Come on, man. Actually, I don't trust you. Okay.

01:02:39.269 --> 01:02:45.739
Witness. So when's the fight? And by the way,

01:02:45.739 --> 01:02:47.380
this is not a knock on Lewis. I tried to talk

01:02:47.380 --> 01:02:49.559
him out of it. Don't listen to Lewis. He's getting

01:02:49.559 --> 01:02:50.659
your head because he's been friends with Jason

01:02:50.659 --> 01:02:52.860
for longer than you, Lewis. I love both of them.

01:02:52.900 --> 01:02:56.000
But listen, head trauma is real. It's a real

01:02:56.000 --> 01:02:59.380
thing. Keep it for the rest of your life. Well,

01:02:59.420 --> 01:03:02.340
we're pads, right? Doesn't Ellis have some head

01:03:02.340 --> 01:03:04.519
trauma? Oh, yeah, he's got a lot of it. Ellis

01:03:04.519 --> 01:03:09.000
told me that he's been knocked unconscious. Something

01:03:09.000 --> 01:03:10.980
like, he fought in the King of the Cage. He had

01:03:10.980 --> 01:03:13.119
a professional MMA fight in the King of the Cage.

01:03:13.280 --> 01:03:15.619
But he told me he's been knocked unconscious.

01:03:15.880 --> 01:03:18.280
At the time, I believe he said like eight times.

01:03:18.480 --> 01:03:19.880
He's gone serious concussions, dude. That's why

01:03:19.880 --> 01:03:21.480
he's bisexual now. He doesn't remember he's straight.

01:03:21.860 --> 01:03:25.320
I think that... He's bisexual? My mind's on those,

01:03:25.440 --> 01:03:30.010
dude. Maybe he's just greedy. Although that could

01:03:30.010 --> 01:03:32.469
be more of a superhero type. That's a powerful

01:03:32.469 --> 01:03:34.389
thing to be also. I'll never forget my friend

01:03:34.389 --> 01:03:36.130
Jimmy told me this. My friend Jimmy Lawless,

01:03:36.130 --> 01:03:39.309
he goes, I think we were like 18. He goes, are

01:03:39.309 --> 01:03:42.949
they just greedy? Like bisexual? He's like, are

01:03:42.949 --> 01:03:44.530
they greedy? It was like the funniest thing because

01:03:44.530 --> 01:03:48.190
we were like teenage muttons. There is. Well,

01:03:48.349 --> 01:03:51.130
clear is 5 '11", 185 pounds. I'm telling you,

01:03:51.150 --> 01:03:53.989
man, he came fucking cracked. 50 years old. Mike

01:03:53.989 --> 01:03:56.070
Tyson's 55. You want to fight him? He was born

01:03:56.070 --> 01:03:59.829
before Led Zeppelin got together. And he's Australian,

01:03:59.989 --> 01:04:01.809
though. Those people are animals. They are animals.

01:04:02.329 --> 01:04:04.110
Disgusting people. Zeppelin was around in 71,

01:04:04.250 --> 01:04:07.269
you son of a bitch. Don't fucking deal up for

01:04:07.269 --> 01:04:09.730
the facts. I don't know. How dare you? How did

01:04:09.730 --> 01:04:11.889
they get together? 60s? I don't know. That's

01:04:11.889 --> 01:04:13.320
a good question. So when's the fight? I think

01:04:13.320 --> 01:04:15.480
it's soon. I think it's November, right? Isn't

01:04:15.480 --> 01:04:17.300
it November? I don't know. Lewis better not be

01:04:17.300 --> 01:04:18.940
drinking at Skank Fest. He's going to ruin his

01:04:18.940 --> 01:04:21.039
whole train. He will be. He's going to be drinking.

01:04:21.239 --> 01:04:23.360
If Lewis dies on fentanyl on Skank Fest, the

01:04:23.360 --> 01:04:26.900
bet is off. That's fair. Ooh, fentanyl. Fentanyl's

01:04:26.900 --> 01:04:29.420
fucking terrifying. I did it on accident. Knocked

01:04:29.420 --> 01:04:31.179
me out for like two days. Wait, you did? I was

01:04:31.179 --> 01:04:33.300
lucky to be alive. What happened? I was having

01:04:33.300 --> 01:04:35.320
trouble sleeping for a while, so I asked a guy

01:04:35.320 --> 01:04:37.460
for some Xanax, and it was laced with fentanyl.

01:04:37.500 --> 01:04:39.500
It's called a Green Hulk. Pull it up, J -Mo.

01:04:39.559 --> 01:04:42.519
Oh, it was fake Xanax? Yeah, and I took the whole

01:04:42.519 --> 01:04:45.380
thing. Wait, wait, wait. What happened? I asked

01:04:45.380 --> 01:04:47.579
a guy for some Xanax on the road, and I couldn't

01:04:47.579 --> 01:04:49.360
sleep. I was doing so many gigs and drinking

01:04:49.360 --> 01:04:53.039
and all that stuff, and he gave me a bunch. It

01:04:53.039 --> 01:04:54.860
fucked me up. Do you know that's how Tom Petty

01:04:54.860 --> 01:04:57.900
died? Really? Tom Petty was in pain and he got

01:04:57.900 --> 01:05:01.679
off of a show and he got, I believe, from a roadie.

01:05:01.860 --> 01:05:05.639
He asked a roadie if he had, I think he wanted

01:05:05.639 --> 01:05:08.400
like an oxy. And the guy gave him an oxy. The

01:05:08.400 --> 01:05:09.860
guy went to the parking lot. There it was. That

01:05:09.860 --> 01:05:11.599
was it. That three one. Look how it looks like

01:05:11.599 --> 01:05:13.179
the Hulk. Look at those pills that look like

01:05:13.179 --> 01:05:14.639
the Hulk. This is also what killed Colin Powell.

01:05:14.880 --> 01:05:19.059
Oh, no. No, that was cancer. Ah, shit. Wasn't

01:05:19.059 --> 01:05:21.019
fentanyl? Joey, you got to test that shit now.

01:05:21.199 --> 01:05:23.420
I think he had cancer and COVID, right? Yeah,

01:05:23.480 --> 01:05:26.619
but it's cancer. Yeah, he had like a rare blood

01:05:26.619 --> 01:05:31.400
cancer. Not good. But meanwhile, he's in his

01:05:31.400 --> 01:05:33.480
80s. Meanwhile, the headlines, COVID took Colin

01:05:33.480 --> 01:05:40.170
Powell. Damn, poor guy. Died too young. Everybody's

01:05:40.170 --> 01:05:42.190
testing now. It's fucking annoying. All the drugs,

01:05:42.289 --> 01:05:43.710
all the good drugs are like, you gotta be worried

01:05:43.710 --> 01:05:45.530
about it now. Yeah. It's very annoying. Well,

01:05:45.530 --> 01:05:47.550
what they really should do is make them fucking

01:05:47.550 --> 01:05:50.829
legal so that everything can be tested. Stanhope

01:05:50.829 --> 01:05:53.670
wrote that immediately after Kate Quigley and

01:05:53.670 --> 01:05:57.050
those... Oh, yeah. Yeah, those three guys died

01:05:57.050 --> 01:05:59.650
and she lived and, you know, Stanhope was right.

01:05:59.789 --> 01:06:01.690
He's definitely right. I mean, people are in

01:06:01.690 --> 01:06:05.230
denial about this. Yes. It props up the cartels.

01:06:05.230 --> 01:06:08.889
It props up organized crime. You don't know what

01:06:08.889 --> 01:06:10.889
the fuck you're getting. CBS says it's one cartel

01:06:10.889 --> 01:06:13.630
trying to ruin the supply of another cartel.

01:06:13.730 --> 01:06:15.670
I'm sure. But meanwhile, they're just like, who

01:06:15.670 --> 01:06:17.250
cares? Some Americans will die. It doesn't matter.

01:06:17.369 --> 01:06:20.510
But it's like, if you have a CVS, remember when

01:06:20.510 --> 01:06:22.989
CVS had a, there was some like nut brand, mixed

01:06:22.989 --> 01:06:25.050
nut brand, and they recalled it all? Because

01:06:25.050 --> 01:06:26.789
they're like, hey, it might have E. coli. Give

01:06:26.789 --> 01:06:28.369
it back. We're not selling this anymore. You

01:06:28.369 --> 01:06:30.530
would do that at CVS. If anything got infected,

01:06:30.690 --> 01:06:32.500
you'd be like. It's done. We're not selling it.

01:06:32.559 --> 01:06:36.820
They should have legit centers where you can

01:06:36.820 --> 01:06:39.199
test these things, and they should have legit

01:06:39.199 --> 01:06:42.139
places where you could buy actual cocaine. Not

01:06:42.139 --> 01:06:44.079
cocaine mixed with a bunch of shit because the

01:06:44.079 --> 01:06:46.900
dealers are trying to cut it. And we should,

01:06:46.960 --> 01:06:48.559
you know, think about how many people have died.

01:06:48.679 --> 01:06:51.719
If someone just had the smarts to sell tests

01:06:51.719 --> 01:06:54.519
that were like mobile portable tests, whatever

01:06:54.519 --> 01:06:56.099
the fuck you're going to take, put it in there,

01:06:56.199 --> 01:06:58.179
find out what the fuck is in it real quick. Most

01:06:58.179 --> 01:07:00.440
people probably still would just take it. Yeah.

01:07:00.599 --> 01:07:02.480
Especially if you're drunk or high and you're

01:07:02.480 --> 01:07:05.139
just like, but that's what's wrong. So I was

01:07:05.139 --> 01:07:07.139
at a festival, Valley Vibe, Bonnaroo got canceled.

01:07:07.159 --> 01:07:08.559
We found another one, Valley Vibe, just some

01:07:08.559 --> 01:07:11.139
small festival. And this group next to us bought

01:07:11.139 --> 01:07:12.739
some blow. And they were like, hey, we want to

01:07:12.739 --> 01:07:14.760
test it first, which I assume just meant like,

01:07:14.800 --> 01:07:16.199
let's see if it's good before I buy a bunch.

01:07:16.300 --> 01:07:18.340
But they went into their trailer and did a bunch.

01:07:18.380 --> 01:07:21.019
It's like, that's 100 % great cocaine. Oh, nice.

01:07:21.619 --> 01:07:24.619
The next day, they bought some acid. They're

01:07:24.619 --> 01:07:27.900
like, hey, that is 100 % mescaline, not acid

01:07:27.900 --> 01:07:30.159
at all. That's a 24 -hour trip instead of a fucking

01:07:30.159 --> 01:07:32.480
10 -hour trip. Be careful. Another time they

01:07:32.480 --> 01:07:34.119
tried molly, and then it was like, that's synthetic

01:07:34.119 --> 01:07:37.219
molly, Embro. You got to test everything now.

01:07:37.559 --> 01:07:39.900
It's just like, even if it's not fentanyl, it's

01:07:39.900 --> 01:07:42.179
anything else. It's fucking scary, man. It's

01:07:42.179 --> 01:07:44.840
scary. It's annoying. Well, it kills people.

01:07:45.079 --> 01:07:47.619
That's what's scary. Have you ever seen the amount

01:07:47.619 --> 01:07:50.320
of fentanyl that it takes to kill you? It's the

01:07:50.320 --> 01:07:52.860
tiniest amount. Really? It's so small. Yeah,

01:07:52.920 --> 01:07:57.650
Jamie, pull it up. It's literally like one. 15th

01:07:57.650 --> 01:08:01.570
of a penny. What? If your helium shows were happening

01:08:01.570 --> 01:08:03.090
now and everyone's like, we got Molly, everyone

01:08:03.090 --> 01:08:05.210
would be like, I can't. We can't have this good

01:08:05.210 --> 01:08:07.030
time. What are you talking about? If they were

01:08:07.030 --> 01:08:08.949
happening now with fentanyl around, it'd be like...

01:08:08.949 --> 01:08:10.949
Fentanyl was around? This was like a week ago.

01:08:11.050 --> 01:08:14.889
We're not snorting, Molly. I'll probably take

01:08:14.889 --> 01:08:16.909
Molly this weekend. You gotta start testing it.

01:08:16.949 --> 01:08:20.109
I have some. I'm not gonna take it. Oregon sucks.

01:08:20.729 --> 01:08:22.069
Right, look at that. That's the amount of fentanyl.

01:08:22.149 --> 01:08:25.770
Okay, I'm wrong. It's like 1 ,000. Lincoln. In

01:08:25.770 --> 01:08:29.350
my defense, I will be surrounded by losers. They'll

01:08:29.350 --> 01:08:32.689
take it first. They'll take hours before they

01:08:32.689 --> 01:08:34.989
die. Not on fentanyl. I think Lewis and Rebecca

01:08:34.989 --> 01:08:37.989
are getting a tester room. Really? A whole room?

01:08:38.029 --> 01:08:40.109
Good for them. I think fentanyl will get you.

01:08:40.189 --> 01:08:43.430
It's not the Lewis I know. Quickly. It's fucking

01:08:43.430 --> 01:08:45.470
terrifying. Quickly. It's terrifying because

01:08:45.470 --> 01:08:49.239
quickly, don't say it. That was a good one. That

01:08:49.239 --> 01:08:50.939
was a good one. Thanks. That was a good one.

01:08:51.020 --> 01:08:52.920
Felt pretty good. Say that five times and she'll

01:08:52.920 --> 01:08:55.220
show up in a bikini. A bit of a pun master. Shane

01:08:55.220 --> 01:08:56.939
loves puns. People don't give him credit for

01:08:56.939 --> 01:08:58.760
the puns. Puns are underrated. It's just a terrible

01:08:58.760 --> 01:09:00.359
Trump impression, but it's the puns is where

01:09:00.359 --> 01:09:03.539
it's at. Bro, that fucking speed dating with

01:09:03.539 --> 01:09:05.619
Trump was one of the best sketches online. So

01:09:05.619 --> 01:09:07.640
good. That's a funny sketch. I think it's worth

01:09:07.640 --> 01:09:10.220
it a million. Those videos that you guys put

01:09:10.220 --> 01:09:12.760
out are fucking genius. They are so underrated.

01:09:12.920 --> 01:09:16.579
They're real sketches. They're almost as good

01:09:16.579 --> 01:09:19.579
as SNL. I don't even compare it to that. It's

01:09:19.579 --> 01:09:22.439
just great. They're just funny. It's Gillian

01:09:22.439 --> 01:09:28.180
Keeves. So I think you should leave. Those are

01:09:28.180 --> 01:09:30.760
the two great sketches. These are amazing sketches.

01:09:31.060 --> 01:09:33.279
But the thing is, you don't have a fucking editor

01:09:33.279 --> 01:09:35.600
or a producer saying, ah, you're going too far.

01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:40.920
That's the key. It's like artists and executives,

01:09:41.079 --> 01:09:44.119
they don't have the same reason for existing.

01:09:44.359 --> 01:09:46.439
The executives are just trying to have a thing

01:09:46.439 --> 01:09:48.340
successful so they can make money and they can

01:09:48.340 --> 01:09:51.579
continue upwardly and eventually produce movies.

01:09:51.739 --> 01:09:53.640
That's what they all want to do. What we want

01:09:53.640 --> 01:09:56.020
to do is make people laugh. And sometimes you've

01:09:56.020 --> 01:09:58.159
got to go for it. And they don't want to go for

01:09:58.159 --> 01:10:00.760
it. And when you go for it, they get mad at you.

01:10:00.939 --> 01:10:02.659
You just do it your own way. It's like, hey,

01:10:02.680 --> 01:10:04.140
this wouldn't work on NBC. It's like, fine, they

01:10:04.140 --> 01:10:05.939
don't. One thing that's hard for us is John has

01:10:05.939 --> 01:10:08.920
a real life. He has a family, a Kiever, who's

01:10:08.920 --> 01:10:11.300
writing and directing and editing. And we can't

01:10:11.300 --> 01:10:13.239
find anyone to buy it. You know what I mean?

01:10:14.000 --> 01:10:16.140
So if you do your own thing, you've got to have

01:10:16.140 --> 01:10:19.399
your own money. Are you making money on it? No.

01:10:19.579 --> 01:10:22.989
Put it out for free. But the YouTube and Venmo

01:10:22.989 --> 01:10:26.149
donations. It does bump up your profile, though.

01:10:26.270 --> 01:10:28.229
Definitely people love you. It helps me. It helps

01:10:28.229 --> 01:10:30.329
your stand -up. It helps me, but not McKeever.

01:10:30.550 --> 01:10:33.890
Interesting. That sucks. Let's get him a GoFundMe

01:10:33.890 --> 01:10:35.710
or some shit. Yeah, if we raised some money so

01:10:35.710 --> 01:10:37.909
John could quit his real job to write more shit,

01:10:38.029 --> 01:10:39.489
we would do it every day. Because that guy's

01:10:39.489 --> 01:10:41.670
brilliant. Maybe what's going to happen is things

01:10:41.670 --> 01:10:42.130
are going to go. Jay's going to have to produce

01:10:42.130 --> 01:10:45.810
a special. Really? Interesting. He did mine.

01:10:45.890 --> 01:10:48.359
He did my special. I make money on YouTube. For

01:10:48.359 --> 01:10:50.359
my special. I fucked up. I didn't monetize my

01:10:50.359 --> 01:10:52.439
YouTube. What? What? I didn't want to. I don't

01:10:52.439 --> 01:10:54.460
know. Well, you should do it now. Do it. Really?

01:10:54.500 --> 01:10:56.659
Or it's too late. Because he makes $800 a minute

01:10:56.659 --> 01:10:58.680
on fucking Patreon. Patreon. Matt and Shane's

01:10:58.680 --> 01:11:01.020
Secret Podcast. Patreon. Well, that's good. You

01:11:01.020 --> 01:11:03.380
got a source. But, you know, Dunnigan and Kurt

01:11:03.380 --> 01:11:05.279
Metzger are having the same issue. Oh, those

01:11:05.279 --> 01:11:07.600
guys are brilliant. Fucking genius. Brilliant.

01:11:07.640 --> 01:11:09.619
I went over to their house. Those Biden things.

01:11:09.659 --> 01:11:10.880
Oh, my God. Those are great. Oh, my God. They're

01:11:10.880 --> 01:11:13.840
so funny. Incredible. Who's the Jew guy? You?

01:11:13.979 --> 01:11:17.329
No, the thinker. Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro. They

01:11:17.329 --> 01:11:19.890
do a great Ben Shapiro. God damn. Kyle Dunnigan

01:11:19.890 --> 01:11:22.069
is one of the best impressionists alive. Unbelievable.

01:11:22.130 --> 01:11:24.670
His Bill Maher is fucking incredible. I went

01:11:24.670 --> 01:11:27.310
over to their house like two weeks ago. First

01:11:27.310 --> 01:11:29.689
off, you go into Kyle Dunnigan's house, it's

01:11:29.689 --> 01:11:34.170
terrifying. Why? It's a shell of a house. It's

01:11:34.170 --> 01:11:38.310
a genius's house. Right. And it's just him and

01:11:38.310 --> 01:11:41.229
Metzger, who is also out of his fucking mind.

01:11:41.979 --> 01:11:43.399
And Metzger will come up with an idea. He'll

01:11:43.399 --> 01:11:45.439
say something, and then Dunnegan will just do

01:11:45.439 --> 01:11:48.060
the impression on the spot. Metzger's a joke

01:11:48.060 --> 01:11:50.140
machine. He is. He's a joke machine. Metzger's

01:11:50.140 --> 01:11:52.359
like, yeah. His text messages to me. You ever

01:11:52.359 --> 01:11:55.649
get caught in a Metzger text? Yeah. He'll say

01:11:55.649 --> 01:11:57.529
one thing to you. Have you ever seen this? You

01:11:57.529 --> 01:11:59.989
respond once and then 40 texts come in. He's

01:11:59.989 --> 01:12:02.649
laying you out a whole movie. He's manic. He's

01:12:02.649 --> 01:12:06.489
amazing. I'm such a giant fan of that dude. He's

01:12:06.489 --> 01:12:09.569
so funny. He's just, again, another super underrated

01:12:09.569 --> 01:12:12.810
guy. Underappreciated guy. White Precious was

01:12:12.810 --> 01:12:15.710
a great special. White Precious was the last

01:12:15.710 --> 01:12:17.569
great Comedy Central special. What was it called?

01:12:17.729 --> 01:12:21.010
White Precious. Is that Metzger's? It's the best.

01:12:21.069 --> 01:12:24.739
It's a whole bit about it. That is an amazing

01:12:24.739 --> 01:12:26.720
name. He said it's the best insult. Best insult

01:12:26.720 --> 01:12:29.500
to call somebody because they can't even. That's

01:12:29.500 --> 01:12:32.739
funny. Another huge dong. He's a giant guy. Of

01:12:32.739 --> 01:12:34.960
course he's got a huge dong. Huge Jehovah's Witness

01:12:34.960 --> 01:12:37.739
dick. Really? You got a little dick? Let me stop

01:12:37.739 --> 01:12:40.229
you right there, Joe. Wow. You're doing all right.

01:12:40.329 --> 01:12:42.390
I have a decent penis. I mean, I've seen it next

01:12:42.390 --> 01:12:43.970
to mine. Well, you're a big fucking guy. That's

01:12:43.970 --> 01:12:47.529
why you have a regular dick for your socks. For

01:12:47.529 --> 01:12:49.649
regular people. If you put it on Jamie Kilstein,

01:12:49.689 --> 01:12:52.449
it'd be massive. Joe's got midget dick. Hey.

01:12:52.489 --> 01:12:54.729
He's got this short but thick stubby. So rude.

01:12:55.210 --> 01:12:58.069
It's not that short. It's pretty regular. It's

01:12:58.069 --> 01:13:00.909
not like that. It's a little longer than that.

01:13:01.329 --> 01:13:03.149
It's not as thick. You're lying. You're just

01:13:03.149 --> 01:13:05.050
lying to people. What do you mean? Who's got

01:13:05.050 --> 01:13:06.630
the ruler? Where's the ruler? Hey. Do you even

01:13:06.630 --> 01:13:08.489
have a podcast studio? I'll take that dick. Without

01:13:08.489 --> 01:13:09.909
a dick ruler? That's a great dick. I'll take

01:13:09.909 --> 01:13:11.189
that dick right now. What is that? That's a five.

01:13:11.409 --> 01:13:12.970
That's at least five. That's like one of those

01:13:12.970 --> 01:13:13.930
little coke cans. You're never going to get a

01:13:13.930 --> 01:13:15.829
blow job ever, except for someone that's terrifying.

01:13:15.829 --> 01:13:17.960
How even could you? A terrifying one. Why, you

01:13:17.960 --> 01:13:19.119
couldn't even get around it. Yeah, you need a

01:13:19.119 --> 01:13:21.460
big mouth. You can't. But some of them people

01:13:21.460 --> 01:13:24.319
with a giant, like, Hilary Smank smile. Hilary

01:13:24.319 --> 01:13:28.060
Smank. She's got a giant smile. Hilary Smank

01:13:28.060 --> 01:13:29.500
is one of those actors. She did a trans movie

01:13:29.500 --> 01:13:31.520
back when that was a thing. When you were allowed

01:13:31.520 --> 01:13:34.039
to. Yes. She can't do it now. Boys don't come.

01:13:34.260 --> 01:13:38.060
There you go. Yeah, she's a good actress. She's

01:13:38.060 --> 01:13:39.659
a very good actress. And weirdly hot where you're

01:13:39.659 --> 01:13:41.579
like, am I into her? Am I not into her? It's

01:13:41.579 --> 01:13:44.819
Hilary Smank. Pull her up. Like Sigourney Weaver's

01:13:44.819 --> 01:13:48.939
hotter sister. at least she was a lady everybody's

01:13:48.939 --> 01:13:50.979
going weird it was kind of hot i never got it

01:13:50.979 --> 01:14:07.100
he seemed like a weird guy and so usually a guy

01:14:07.100 --> 01:14:09.569
that that's that's like Probably his dick. Not

01:14:09.569 --> 01:14:11.590
a curved dick. The guy like that has one of those

01:14:11.590 --> 01:14:14.609
real... Biggest dick I've ever seen in my life

01:14:14.609 --> 01:14:17.590
was a mathematician from Harvard, or no, from

01:14:17.590 --> 01:14:19.569
MIT that used to do Taekwondo with me. His name

01:14:19.569 --> 01:14:22.460
was John Ball. If you're still alive, John, my

01:14:22.460 --> 01:14:24.279
apologies. This is only a compliment. He was

01:14:24.279 --> 01:14:26.220
a very nice guy. He did Taekwondo and he was

01:14:26.220 --> 01:14:29.619
like oddly uncoordinated. But he had a dick that

01:14:29.619 --> 01:14:31.380
people would go, like he would change in the

01:14:31.380 --> 01:14:33.659
locker room. People would go just. Really? What

01:14:33.659 --> 01:14:36.520
the fuck? Yeah. Like a baby's arm with an apple

01:14:36.520 --> 01:14:38.880
in his fist. Like the old Lenny Bruce line. It

01:14:38.880 --> 01:14:42.520
was gigantic. White guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. White

01:14:42.520 --> 01:14:44.399
guy with like wacky hair. He was a mathematician,

01:14:44.619 --> 01:14:47.199
a genius. Wow. Like a brilliant, brilliant guy.

01:14:47.520 --> 01:14:49.520
Did he use it? I don't know. I mean, I had a

01:14:49.520 --> 01:14:51.359
wife that looked like she was protecting a gold

01:14:51.359 --> 01:14:53.319
mine. She would come in and be like, where is

01:14:53.319 --> 01:14:58.279
he? Show up and want to make sure that no one

01:14:58.279 --> 01:15:01.779
else saw it. No women saw it. It was giant. I

01:15:01.779 --> 01:15:04.699
mean, it was like 12 inches soft. What? I'm telling

01:15:04.699 --> 01:15:07.930
you, it was fucking fat. Fat and he was like

01:15:07.930 --> 01:15:10.029
you would never imagine if you saw the guy in

01:15:10.029 --> 01:15:12.949
real life. He was like a thin wiry guy Those

01:15:12.949 --> 01:15:14.390
are the guys who have the biggest dongs. Thin,

01:15:14.390 --> 01:15:18.569
skinny, tall, lanky. Like a baseball bat. It

01:15:18.569 --> 01:15:21.069
was giant. The dick size is unaffected by your

01:15:21.069 --> 01:15:23.090
weight gain. It's just your height. Yeah. So

01:15:23.090 --> 01:15:25.550
it really shines. What? Unfortunately, dude.

01:15:25.590 --> 01:15:28.430
Because tits get bigger with fat. Sometimes they

01:15:28.430 --> 01:15:30.510
don't do it. There's a lot of women that have

01:15:30.510 --> 01:15:33.890
tits. That's the real problem. Men tits when

01:15:33.890 --> 01:15:38.300
they get fat. Damn shame. Yeah. That sucks. The

01:15:38.300 --> 01:15:40.279
weirdest thing is when a guy gains a shit ton

01:15:40.279 --> 01:15:41.840
of weight and then he has to lose it all and

01:15:41.840 --> 01:15:44.039
then they cut the skin off. Have you ever seen

01:15:44.039 --> 01:15:45.920
that? Yeah. When they have all that extra skin

01:15:45.920 --> 01:15:48.239
and then they have a big line down the side of

01:15:48.239 --> 01:15:51.079
their bodies where they literally slice you and

01:15:51.079 --> 01:15:52.659
tighten you back up again and then you have to

01:15:52.659 --> 01:15:54.100
walk around like this for like three months.

01:15:55.399 --> 01:15:57.560
Yeah. That's what you get. Just be that fat and

01:15:57.560 --> 01:15:59.579
ride it out. You think so? Yeah, just be that

01:15:59.579 --> 01:16:01.800
fat and die. Just go lean into it. Go to the

01:16:01.800 --> 01:16:04.140
beach. Move to Austin. Lay there. Wow. Go to

01:16:04.140 --> 01:16:05.859
some barbecue place. Weighted out. Because some

01:16:05.859 --> 01:16:07.680
guys lose weight and they look shitty. Like Al

01:16:07.680 --> 01:16:09.779
Roker. You're like, you were better fat. Better

01:16:09.779 --> 01:16:12.180
fat. Some guys are better fat. I wonder what

01:16:12.180 --> 01:16:15.020
I'd look like. Shane? You're not that fat, Shane.

01:16:15.039 --> 01:16:18.340
I'm not like John. Thank you, Joe. You're the

01:16:18.340 --> 01:16:19.979
health guy. Don't fucking put this on. I'm the

01:16:19.979 --> 01:16:22.060
health guy, so I can't tell the truth? Yeah,

01:16:22.079 --> 01:16:23.800
you know it's not the truth. You know it's not

01:16:23.800 --> 01:16:26.359
the truth. He's huge. No, he's not Ralphie May.

01:16:26.640 --> 01:16:28.720
How old are you? What? How old are you? He's

01:16:28.720 --> 01:16:32.479
80. 47. Yeah, right. That's the year you were

01:16:32.479 --> 01:16:42.539
born. Good year. He always tries to get me with

01:16:42.539 --> 01:16:44.199
the fat. All you got to do is bring up Ari's

01:16:44.199 --> 01:16:47.300
age and he shuts the fuck up. Like a 20 -year

01:16:47.300 --> 01:16:50.680
-old. I'm older than him. Yeah, true. I'm like

01:16:50.680 --> 01:16:52.520
six years older than you. How old are you? I

01:16:52.520 --> 01:16:53.600
don't know, 47. Yeah, but you're doing pretty

01:16:53.600 --> 01:16:57.479
good. I'm doing fine. You're not defending parks.

01:16:58.239 --> 01:17:01.500
I think the park should be defended. Fuck that

01:17:01.500 --> 01:17:04.140
park. Fuck that park. And there's nothing you

01:17:04.140 --> 01:17:06.000
can do. I for real fuck that park. Build that

01:17:06.000 --> 01:17:07.899
deal. You can bike the whole bike path past there.

01:17:07.920 --> 01:17:12.199
Who's biking, dude? Everybody. Who's biking,

01:17:12.279 --> 01:17:17.279
dude? Who's biking? Get rid of them. Let a guy

01:17:17.279 --> 01:17:20.000
make money. There's a guy right now. Somebody

01:17:20.000 --> 01:17:21.859
who's trying to buy this fucking park. There

01:17:21.859 --> 01:17:24.060
is. The last thing he needs is some dork coming

01:17:24.060 --> 01:17:25.960
on a podcast. It's probably Trump. Protect the

01:17:25.960 --> 01:17:28.369
park, man. I hope it's Trump. Can you imagine

01:17:28.369 --> 01:17:30.010
if Trump turns out to help Trump? Hey, Trump,

01:17:30.130 --> 01:17:31.850
why do you want this park so bad? Oh, you want

01:17:31.850 --> 01:17:34.670
me to do Trump? Yeah. Trump oppression. Trump,

01:17:34.989 --> 01:17:36.289
what's the problem with this park? Why do you

01:17:36.289 --> 01:17:38.489
want it so bad, Donald? We've got a lot of Jews

01:17:38.489 --> 01:17:43.390
down there. That's good. Thanks. How'd you know

01:17:43.390 --> 01:17:44.710
that? How'd you know there were so many Jews

01:17:44.710 --> 01:17:48.090
down there? Stop. No, keep going. Come on. What

01:17:48.090 --> 01:17:50.449
are you going to do with the park? A lot of people

01:17:50.449 --> 01:17:52.069
think that you're going to put a prison there.

01:17:52.109 --> 01:17:54.140
Are you going to put a prison there? We might

01:17:54.140 --> 01:17:55.859
put a prison there. I haven't thought about it.

01:17:55.899 --> 01:17:59.140
I was thinking about a prison. That's a good

01:17:59.140 --> 01:18:02.779
impression. Have you had girls try to fucking

01:18:02.779 --> 01:18:08.060
do Trump in bed? Done against Trump? Done against

01:18:08.060 --> 01:18:10.579
Trump when he has the Trump surprise face? When

01:18:10.579 --> 01:18:12.859
Stormy Daniels is calling on the fucking FaceTime?

01:18:13.079 --> 01:18:16.600
Say, Stormy! Whatever happened to her? She did

01:18:16.600 --> 01:18:19.430
stand up for a hot minute. Well, once that dude

01:18:19.430 --> 01:18:21.609
went to jail, that was it. I love how our dream

01:18:21.609 --> 01:18:24.510
is everyone's fallback plan. I know. What a bummer.

01:18:24.510 --> 01:18:27.369
Isn't that crazy? You hear that, Catan? It's

01:18:27.369 --> 01:18:30.989
the only thing. Oh, sorry. That's the only thing

01:18:30.989 --> 01:18:33.710
that you put. Who? Chris Catan. Was it? Was it?

01:18:33.850 --> 01:18:37.130
A little bit if you've seen his act. It's a thing.

01:18:37.529 --> 01:18:39.770
He's great? He's a very funny guy. He's great

01:18:39.770 --> 01:18:43.130
in that movie with the dancing. Bingo. Let's

01:18:43.130 --> 01:18:46.050
see stand -ups be stand -ups. Yes. But here's

01:18:46.050 --> 01:18:47.510
the thing, though. If someone embraced stand

01:18:47.510 --> 01:18:49.069
-up and then really got into it, you'd be cool

01:18:49.069 --> 01:18:51.590
with that. Yeah. It's never that. It's like,

01:18:51.590 --> 01:18:53.409
I'll do it 20 times and then just cash in on

01:18:53.409 --> 01:18:55.050
my name. To really get into it, you've got to

01:18:55.050 --> 01:18:58.170
bomb for a while. You got to work your way up.

01:18:58.250 --> 01:18:59.909
Yeah, you got to bomb. And you got to bomb at

01:18:59.909 --> 01:19:01.930
open mics. You got to come in when people don't

01:19:01.930 --> 01:19:03.890
know you. The only guy that I've ever known that

01:19:03.890 --> 01:19:06.710
got famous and then started doing stand -up was

01:19:06.710 --> 01:19:10.130
Charlie. Charlie Murphy was literally headlining

01:19:10.130 --> 01:19:12.869
after a year of doing comedy and going on the

01:19:12.869 --> 01:19:16.829
road, and he fucking had the balls to follow

01:19:16.829 --> 01:19:19.310
legit people, and he would bring them on the

01:19:19.310 --> 01:19:20.930
road with him. Whatever happened to that guy?

01:19:21.069 --> 01:19:29.939
He died. No! Him and Muhammad Ali. And Colin

01:19:29.939 --> 01:19:33.159
Powell. What? Yes. All of them are down. Colin

01:19:33.159 --> 01:19:34.899
Powell. You remember the guy responsible for

01:19:34.899 --> 01:19:36.619
the war in Iraq? Yeah, that guy with the weapons

01:19:36.619 --> 01:19:38.239
of mass destruction. Did he kill himself because

01:19:38.239 --> 01:19:40.920
he pulled out of Afghanistan? Jamie, look that

01:19:40.920 --> 01:19:42.460
up. I think he died before it happened, right?

01:19:43.060 --> 01:19:45.300
No, I think after. I was like, that's it. My

01:19:45.300 --> 01:19:47.220
work is done. There's more news stories about

01:19:47.220 --> 01:19:49.710
Chappelle than the Taliban. There's more news

01:19:49.710 --> 01:19:51.430
stories about Chappelle than pulling out of Afghanistan.

01:19:51.729 --> 01:19:53.890
Yeah, I guess Israel and Palestine made up. They

01:19:53.890 --> 01:19:56.210
do that. They do that a lot. When I got canceled,

01:19:56.250 --> 01:19:59.149
it was Epstein. Oh, yeah. They use it. Well,

01:19:59.170 --> 01:20:00.729
you're like, thank God for Epstein. They use

01:20:00.729 --> 01:20:03.409
it. No, no. Epstein was like, thank God for me.

01:20:03.489 --> 01:20:07.449
Let's push all the heat on this guy. Yeah. Want

01:20:07.449 --> 01:20:09.390
to see a fucking hilarious meme? I'll send this

01:20:09.390 --> 01:20:11.369
to you, Jamie. Memes are good. This is one of

01:20:11.369 --> 01:20:13.569
my favorites. Memes? There's funny memes out

01:20:13.569 --> 01:20:15.770
there. There are. Although sometimes they steal

01:20:15.770 --> 01:20:18.670
our bits. They do occasionally, but most of the

01:20:18.670 --> 01:20:20.989
time it's... Most memes are honest. Most comics

01:20:20.989 --> 01:20:23.789
steal from memes. That's a lot of that, too.

01:20:23.850 --> 01:20:27.109
Really? You see that? Every day. But how do you

01:20:27.109 --> 01:20:29.430
know who did it first, though? The fucking meme.

01:20:29.729 --> 01:20:32.909
All right. It's not like a verbatim joke, but

01:20:32.909 --> 01:20:35.689
there's a theme. You can see someone be like...

01:20:35.850 --> 01:20:37.029
You've read a lot of memes. They'll use a phrase

01:20:37.029 --> 01:20:39.949
that's from a meme. Oh, I hate that. I hate that.

01:20:39.970 --> 01:20:41.270
Like, you're not creative. You got that from

01:20:41.270 --> 01:20:43.069
the internet. Yeah, I sent it to you, Jamie.

01:20:43.170 --> 01:20:45.109
And the meme is always better. That's how I started.

01:20:45.229 --> 01:20:47.090
The first time I did comedy, I was just stealing

01:20:47.090 --> 01:20:50.289
memes. That's smart. I knew it. It's pretty punchy.

01:20:50.329 --> 01:20:53.590
Look at that. It's perfect for SNL. Whoa, he

01:20:53.590 --> 01:20:58.810
looks just like Andrew Jackson. That's pretty

01:20:58.810 --> 01:21:02.369
good. Epstein and Andrew Jackson. What is going

01:21:02.369 --> 01:21:04.850
on with that? Another guy just retired because

01:21:04.850 --> 01:21:09.210
he got caught up in the Epstein photograph library.

01:21:09.649 --> 01:21:11.050
They found out that he was hanging out. Meanwhile,

01:21:11.130 --> 01:21:13.090
Bill Gates out there selling vaccines and soybeans.

01:21:13.430 --> 01:21:15.329
See the picture of Bill Clinton and him just

01:21:15.329 --> 01:21:18.069
chilling at a bar? Just hanging out, having a

01:21:18.069 --> 01:21:20.869
good time. I only went on a flight with him 26

01:21:20.869 --> 01:21:23.409
times. Trump was there, but he only went down

01:21:23.409 --> 01:21:24.970
there and he hung out with the staff once he

01:21:24.970 --> 01:21:27.390
found out what was going on. Did he? Yeah, that's

01:21:27.390 --> 01:21:29.470
what I heard. Tell me what he said. Oh, yeah.

01:21:29.569 --> 01:21:32.409
James Staley, Barclays CEO, steps down after

01:21:32.409 --> 01:21:35.560
a Jeffrey Epstein inquiry. Look at that. That's

01:21:35.560 --> 01:21:38.079
a face of a guy who had a good time. He got his

01:21:38.079 --> 01:21:40.340
asshole licked. Oh, yeah. For sure. That's a

01:21:40.340 --> 01:21:44.020
Squid Games guy. That was a guy. A real animal

01:21:44.020 --> 01:21:46.680
house situation, dude. Duck boots on, legs in

01:21:46.680 --> 01:21:48.560
the air. They're having fun. They're having fun.

01:21:48.779 --> 01:21:50.460
Never done the... I had a girl try to lick my

01:21:50.460 --> 01:21:52.420
asshole once. I had to tell her to stop. I had

01:21:52.420 --> 01:21:54.420
it. It's really bad. I could never do it. There's

01:21:54.420 --> 01:21:57.119
too much hair and dingles. You got to be prepared

01:21:57.119 --> 01:21:59.520
for that. Yeah. You got to prep. You can't get

01:21:59.520 --> 01:22:00.979
into it because you're like, you're having not

01:22:00.979 --> 01:22:02.840
a good time. You shouldn't be there. Exactly.

01:22:02.840 --> 01:22:05.340
Have you ever felt the hairs? Oh, yeah, like

01:22:05.340 --> 01:22:07.840
a gooch to butthole the hairs are like this a

01:22:07.840 --> 01:22:10.380
different breed of hair minor chaos Yeah, saying

01:22:10.380 --> 01:22:12.539
look at me imagine what my asshole hair looks

01:22:12.539 --> 01:22:16.880
like and you'd be correct You saw champs asshole,

01:22:17.060 --> 01:22:19.420
and then you saw my asshole you like which ones

01:22:19.420 --> 01:22:27.819
you your ass was blue It's fun to clean your

01:22:27.819 --> 01:22:29.659
ass although, isn't it? You're still rubbing

01:22:29.659 --> 01:22:31.859
it, but it's for health I shave it every few

01:22:31.859 --> 01:22:40.460
months and it makes the fart sound I have a sponsor

01:22:40.460 --> 01:22:43.500
in manscaping. I just let it clean. It keeps

01:22:43.500 --> 01:22:44.800
your asshole cleaner. What do you do? Nose cleaner?

01:22:45.399 --> 01:22:49.239
No. It's a ball hair trimmer. Manscaped. For

01:22:49.239 --> 01:22:52.960
your asshole? If you had real sponsors, you would

01:22:52.960 --> 01:22:54.960
know about manscaped .com. I only have drugs.

01:22:55.220 --> 01:22:59.140
Do you get a mirror? It has a light on it. What?

01:22:59.390 --> 01:23:01.369
Yeah, the Manscaped. How do you bend? But how

01:23:01.369 --> 01:23:02.949
do you get in there? It's called a lawnmower.

01:23:03.050 --> 01:23:05.210
They have a 4 .0. Get up on the table and show

01:23:05.210 --> 01:23:07.010
us. Well, I'm very flexible. What pose do you

01:23:07.010 --> 01:23:10.510
take? Prove it. I spread my legs apart and I

01:23:10.510 --> 01:23:13.590
go head between the legs. And you lift your nutsack

01:23:13.590 --> 01:23:14.329
out of the way? Yeah, I can suck my own dick

01:23:14.329 --> 01:23:16.010
if I wanted to. No, you cannot. No, you cannot.

01:23:16.069 --> 01:23:18.369
You can't. No, you cannot. Bullshit. No, I've

01:23:18.369 --> 01:23:20.829
never done it. I just put it around my face just

01:23:20.829 --> 01:23:22.590
to know I could do it. No, you can't. Show us

01:23:22.590 --> 01:23:24.449
through the jeans. What do you want me to show

01:23:24.449 --> 01:23:25.750
you? Through the jeans so you can touch your

01:23:25.750 --> 01:23:28.069
jeans with your head. I can put my head flat.

01:23:28.109 --> 01:23:32.050
I can flatten my body out. Not that far. You

01:23:32.050 --> 01:23:34.710
know I can. Do you remember that time when Burt

01:23:34.710 --> 01:23:37.130
said, can you do a split? And I just dropped

01:23:37.130 --> 01:23:39.670
down to the split. Anybody can do a split. That's

01:23:39.670 --> 01:23:44.529
a normal thing. If you can bend your head and

01:23:44.529 --> 01:23:47.310
go fully flat, where do you think your face is?

01:23:47.329 --> 01:23:49.310
First of all, you don't have a neck. So how can

01:23:49.310 --> 01:23:52.090
you get over that far? Just show us your dick.

01:23:52.090 --> 01:23:55.880
I have a neck under all this other shit. Wait,

01:23:55.920 --> 01:23:57.359
you can suck your own dick? What are you doing

01:23:57.359 --> 01:24:00.619
here? I'm pretty sure. What's the money? I know,

01:24:00.760 --> 01:24:02.020
all that money? Who needs it? What's the point

01:24:02.020 --> 01:24:03.939
of all this? What's the point of all of it? Because

01:24:03.939 --> 01:24:05.479
you still have a dick in your mouth. You can't

01:24:05.479 --> 01:24:06.960
enjoy it. Just use that cash for a sound barrier.

01:24:07.260 --> 01:24:09.079
You'd have to be bipolar. You'd have to be like,

01:24:09.140 --> 01:24:10.859
I'm the guy who's getting his dick sucked. Not

01:24:10.859 --> 01:24:12.500
the guy who's sucking the dick. That's a guy

01:24:12.500 --> 01:24:14.800
in another dimension. CNN, attacking for the

01:24:14.800 --> 01:24:19.399
dick sucking. Everybody over there sucks dick.

01:24:19.460 --> 01:24:21.819
He's the real dewormer. He's like, shut up. I'm

01:24:21.819 --> 01:24:29.239
deworming. Horse cock. That's hilarious. Wait,

01:24:29.279 --> 01:24:32.920
so you've gotten the dong close to the face just

01:24:32.920 --> 01:24:34.979
to be like, I could do it? You could touch it

01:24:34.979 --> 01:24:36.920
on the side of your... It wasn't hard, but I

01:24:36.920 --> 01:24:38.800
was imagining. If it was hard, this is going

01:24:38.800 --> 01:24:42.420
in there. Whoa. That's hot. Could you lick the

01:24:42.420 --> 01:24:45.239
balls? No. That's impressive. You could play

01:24:45.239 --> 01:24:47.640
with the balls. I have seen a lady in a video

01:24:47.640 --> 01:24:49.659
eat her own pussy, and I was like, good lord.

01:24:49.800 --> 01:24:53.369
Wow. That's not there. You didn't get a mile

01:24:53.369 --> 01:24:56.130
to go. Oh, that's me. But you're not doing it.

01:24:56.189 --> 01:24:57.329
That's a picture of you not doing it. But I'm

01:24:57.329 --> 01:25:00.810
just stretching there. How is that out there?

01:25:01.029 --> 01:25:04.250
I didn't even know. I only have that. Oh, you

01:25:04.250 --> 01:25:06.449
have that? I was like, I didn't even know I did

01:25:06.449 --> 01:25:09.010
that. This conversation came up 4 -20 -2019 backstage.

01:25:09.010 --> 01:25:11.489
Oh, that's right. Well, see, there you go. I

01:25:11.489 --> 01:25:14.090
saw a donkey show in Mexico. Did you? Wow. Ruined

01:25:14.090 --> 01:25:16.710
my life. Worst thing I've ever seen. And I've

01:25:16.710 --> 01:25:19.630
seen Fluffy's act. But this thing was, I mean,

01:25:19.630 --> 01:25:23.369
this was bananas. So I was in Mexico in college.

01:25:23.409 --> 01:25:24.810
We used to drive down. I'm from New Orleans.

01:25:24.909 --> 01:25:27.229
You drive to Mexico for a weekend, go nuts with

01:25:27.229 --> 01:25:29.529
a bunch of guys. And one guy, we're out there,

01:25:29.649 --> 01:25:31.390
you know, drinking. And one guy goes, you want

01:25:31.390 --> 01:25:33.229
to see donkey show? And we're like, yeah. And

01:25:33.229 --> 01:25:35.010
he took us for a 20 -minute walk. We went to

01:25:35.010 --> 01:25:37.609
a warehouse. There's a bunch of guys in a circle.

01:25:38.039 --> 01:25:40.659
Bunch of hay. They're all holding money. And

01:25:40.659 --> 01:25:44.939
we saw a donkey come out. And the lady comes

01:25:44.939 --> 01:25:47.039
out. They flip the donkey over. They blow the

01:25:47.039 --> 01:25:49.600
donkey. And then she sat on it. No. It was horrific.

01:25:49.960 --> 01:25:53.020
You saw it? I had to watch. How much? Turned

01:25:53.020 --> 01:25:55.520
away. It was like 10 bucks. Did you actually

01:25:55.520 --> 01:25:58.579
hate it? I hated it. The donkey's missing fur.

01:25:58.739 --> 01:26:01.619
The lady was kind of hot. The donkey was malnourished.

01:26:01.720 --> 01:26:05.500
Yes. He was getting human pussy and he was malnourished?

01:26:05.520 --> 01:26:09.710
And she was pretty. Mexico, man. It's wild. When

01:26:09.710 --> 01:26:12.289
you see how many really beautiful women do porn,

01:26:12.409 --> 01:26:14.470
you're like, wow. I know, right? Isn't that crazy?

01:26:14.710 --> 01:26:18.789
I think the way they really make money now is

01:26:18.789 --> 01:26:20.829
OnlyFans. They came real close to cutting off

01:26:20.829 --> 01:26:23.569
that OnlyFans. They did when all the money went

01:26:23.569 --> 01:26:26.180
away. But then they went, stop. Stop, stop, stop,

01:26:26.279 --> 01:26:27.939
stop, stop. We're going to keep it going. I think

01:26:27.939 --> 01:26:30.060
the whole thing was an ad campaign. And it worked.

01:26:30.159 --> 01:26:32.260
It's a good ad campaign. Everybody was like,

01:26:32.319 --> 01:26:33.819
you can't stop. Everyone started talking about,

01:26:33.819 --> 01:26:35.380
you can't stop the porn stars. And they're like,

01:26:35.460 --> 01:26:37.600
that's right. We do have porn stars at OnlyFans.

01:26:37.600 --> 01:26:40.479
We're not doing it. True. See, he thinks like

01:26:40.479 --> 01:26:42.819
a Jew. That's right. And Chappelle teamed up

01:26:42.819 --> 01:26:45.199
with the trans people. Nobody wants to say it,

01:26:45.260 --> 01:26:46.960
but it's obvious. Everyone's talking about a

01:26:46.960 --> 01:26:50.020
special way more than the last one. True. He's

01:26:50.020 --> 01:26:53.220
trans. Clearly trans. Imagine if that was the

01:26:53.220 --> 01:26:57.760
plot twist. I'm a bitch. What was that one movie?

01:26:57.840 --> 01:26:59.180
Remember that movie? There was a famous movie.

01:26:59.260 --> 01:27:00.500
At the end of the movie, the girl turned out

01:27:00.500 --> 01:27:02.779
to be a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boys don't cry.

01:27:02.960 --> 01:27:06.119
No, no, no. It was like Egypt and outer space.

01:27:06.600 --> 01:27:09.060
No, something like it hot. No, no, no. No, you

01:27:09.060 --> 01:27:11.680
guys are wrong. No, the twist was it's a girl

01:27:11.680 --> 01:27:16.140
or it's a guy. It's a guy. Ace Ventura. That

01:27:16.140 --> 01:27:19.279
was one of the most transphobic movies ever.

01:27:19.699 --> 01:27:22.880
And it's Sean Young, who's hot as fuck. In the

01:27:22.880 --> 01:27:25.319
end, everyone's throwing up. They're going crazy.

01:27:25.600 --> 01:27:28.079
Wow. Remember? He's throwing his tongue. Tone

01:27:28.079 --> 01:27:30.199
Loke. Yeah, because they had all made out with

01:27:30.199 --> 01:27:32.060
her. That's right. What was the movie? Good question,

01:27:32.100 --> 01:27:34.060
Aguado. No, no, no, no, no. I love this movie.

01:27:34.239 --> 01:27:37.479
It's like Egypt, and it was like an outer space

01:27:37.479 --> 01:27:40.399
person running Egypt from the old Egyptian days.

01:27:40.539 --> 01:27:41.939
You sure that's not it? No, no, no, I'm sure

01:27:41.939 --> 01:27:44.810
it's not it. It was a famous movie. And at the

01:27:44.810 --> 01:27:46.810
end of the movie, it was revealed that it was

01:27:46.810 --> 01:27:48.470
actually... There's someone out there yelling

01:27:48.470 --> 01:27:51.470
it out. I know. Oh, The Crying Game. The Crying

01:27:51.470 --> 01:27:54.069
Game. The Crying Game. The title's offensive.

01:27:54.149 --> 01:27:57.310
Thank you. Jamie's favorite movie. No, it's the

01:27:57.310 --> 01:27:59.850
second favorite movie. What about Soul Man? Soul

01:27:59.850 --> 01:28:01.569
Man was a good one. You can't do that. Joana

01:28:01.569 --> 01:28:04.890
Man? You can't do that. Joana Man's great. Actually,

01:28:04.949 --> 01:28:06.689
Joana Man's pretty relevant. It was a failure.

01:28:06.689 --> 01:28:08.930
Tropic Thunder was the last one. That was a great

01:28:08.930 --> 01:28:11.109
comedy. It's a great fucking movie. There's a

01:28:11.109 --> 01:28:13.579
movie you could never make. It's fucking brilliant.

01:28:13.699 --> 01:28:16.140
It is a funny movie. When Tom Cruise plays the

01:28:16.140 --> 01:28:21.039
agent guy. That was when McConaughey made a switch

01:28:21.039 --> 01:28:23.880
for me. What do you mean? McConaughey in Tropic

01:28:23.880 --> 01:28:25.920
Thunder is when he switched from like rom -com

01:28:25.920 --> 01:28:29.159
douche guy to like the fucking man. He's a great

01:28:29.159 --> 01:28:31.939
guy. Every now and then I'll get a fucking FaceTime

01:28:31.939 --> 01:28:34.359
from Matthew McConaughey. And I just look at

01:28:34.359 --> 01:28:38.020
my phone and I go, wow. All right. Damn. Walking

01:28:38.020 --> 01:28:40.149
around my house. Interstellar ruled. McConaughey

01:28:40.149 --> 01:28:42.710
is great. He's a great guy. He's like a human

01:28:42.710 --> 01:28:45.329
to human. He's very normal. Very friendly guy.

01:28:45.529 --> 01:28:47.590
But too famous. Almost like too famous. Too famous.

01:28:47.590 --> 01:28:49.789
Too famous actor. And now he's talking about

01:28:49.789 --> 01:28:51.149
like running for governor and shit. There he

01:28:51.149 --> 01:28:53.069
is. I hope he does. There's Tom Cruise. The fucking

01:28:53.069 --> 01:28:55.949
crazy hairy fucking wrists and everything. That

01:28:55.949 --> 01:28:57.770
was an amazing character. He's got to be doing

01:28:57.770 --> 01:28:59.850
Harvey there. It's got to be like a Harvey spin.

01:29:00.010 --> 01:29:02.310
The forearms? Maybe. I read that that was his

01:29:02.310 --> 01:29:04.510
choice. Tom Cruise was the one in that movie

01:29:04.510 --> 01:29:06.310
that was like, give me those jacked forearms.

01:29:06.390 --> 01:29:08.550
Jacked forearms. It was an action and like a

01:29:08.550 --> 01:29:11.390
real actor. And he goes, let me try comedy. And

01:29:11.390 --> 01:29:14.359
then just crushed it. Murdered. He can. do anything.

01:29:14.460 --> 01:29:16.359
He's good. That guy can do anything. That's what

01:29:16.359 --> 01:29:18.300
Scientology gives you. He does his own fucking

01:29:18.300 --> 01:29:20.539
stunts and he's like 80 years old. He flew. He

01:29:20.539 --> 01:29:23.420
dove from outer space. He fucking parachuted

01:29:23.420 --> 01:29:26.260
from outer space. What? Yeah. Is that part of

01:29:26.260 --> 01:29:29.680
Scientology? Well, the thing is, it's like if

01:29:29.680 --> 01:29:32.779
you really believe something. Let's do it. Imagine

01:29:32.779 --> 01:29:35.359
we all joined. We came together. So listen, we

01:29:35.359 --> 01:29:37.739
just want to be protected against scandal. I

01:29:37.739 --> 01:29:39.899
got an idea. I got an idea. Instead of us coming

01:29:39.899 --> 01:29:41.800
out, we've all thought about coming out as trans.

01:29:43.500 --> 01:29:45.399
He's probably got a fat movie going on. Oh yeah,

01:29:45.539 --> 01:29:46.939
they're saying he looks like Norm Macdonald now.

01:29:47.239 --> 01:29:49.180
Imagine if he's playing Norm in a movie. What

01:29:49.180 --> 01:29:50.779
if he is Norm? It does look like a fat suit.

01:29:50.920 --> 01:29:54.300
Look at Norm. If there was, if he was, he looks

01:29:54.300 --> 01:29:57.960
very thick. He must be doing something. Norm?

01:29:58.359 --> 01:30:01.159
He says, stop putting crap into your face. He's

01:30:01.159 --> 01:30:03.239
not putting crap in his face. That's food. No,

01:30:03.479 --> 01:30:05.500
that looks like chemicals. That's booze, dude.

01:30:05.600 --> 01:30:07.020
You think he's getting hammered? That's food

01:30:07.020 --> 01:30:09.279
and booze. Why not? He doesn't drink. I don't

01:30:09.279 --> 01:30:10.979
think he drinks. What was that one mission I

01:30:10.979 --> 01:30:13.159
had? I think he's probably. It seemed like he

01:30:13.159 --> 01:30:15.039
couldn't do it. He's getting fat for a movie.

01:30:15.300 --> 01:30:17.140
He's probably getting fat for a movie, not telling

01:30:17.140 --> 01:30:18.760
anybody. But it looks fake fat. It looks like

01:30:18.760 --> 01:30:20.739
Eddie Murphy. It does. It looks like a fat shooter.

01:30:21.159 --> 01:30:22.760
It says he's defended his appearance. Scroll

01:30:22.760 --> 01:30:24.520
back up. No. Where is it? Look how hot he is

01:30:24.520 --> 01:30:27.880
there. He defended the star's appearance, blaming

01:30:27.880 --> 01:30:30.939
his new look on age. No. Because look down there.

01:30:30.979 --> 01:30:33.560
That's what he really normally looks like. He's

01:30:33.560 --> 01:30:35.100
very fit. Full head of hair. Dude, he's fucking.

01:30:35.380 --> 01:30:36.739
You know that moment where you step on the scale

01:30:36.739 --> 01:30:38.699
and it's like, all right, I lose 10 pounds. That's

01:30:38.699 --> 01:30:42.140
what he's at right there. I get this. I get this.

01:30:42.800 --> 01:30:45.119
That's after a week of drinking. And then that's

01:30:45.119 --> 01:30:47.859
three days of not drinking. It was a playoff

01:30:47.859 --> 01:30:50.680
run. He's definitely thick. He's probably doing

01:30:50.680 --> 01:30:53.680
a movie, man. It looks like fake cheek fat. Look

01:30:53.680 --> 01:30:55.579
at that. I think he's getting fat for a movie.

01:30:55.619 --> 01:30:57.199
It's crazy because he's still so much thinner

01:30:57.199 --> 01:31:00.000
than Shane and Joe. And Joe? Thanks for including

01:31:00.000 --> 01:31:03.659
Joe on that. He always likes to say that I'm

01:31:03.659 --> 01:31:05.220
obese. Because you're obese. Medically. Because

01:31:05.220 --> 01:31:08.739
I'm short and my BMI makes me obese. It's skyrocketed.

01:31:09.340 --> 01:31:11.239
So sad. How much do you weigh, Joe? More than

01:31:11.239 --> 01:31:16.029
me? 200. I'm 175 inches taller than you. He's

01:31:16.029 --> 01:31:17.609
still way more than me. Yeah, but I could kill

01:31:17.609 --> 01:31:20.310
you with my hands. That helps. I guess that's

01:31:20.310 --> 01:31:22.029
kind of the only metric that matters. That helps.

01:31:22.130 --> 01:31:23.890
That really is. There's a reason for all this

01:31:23.890 --> 01:31:25.649
muscle. It's to make up for my insecurities.

01:31:26.869 --> 01:31:29.409
We got that. He admitted it. Finally. I like

01:31:29.409 --> 01:31:33.600
to be able to kill people. One on one. The shit

01:31:33.600 --> 01:31:35.000
goes down. It is nice to have. Oh, it's the best.

01:31:35.020 --> 01:31:36.779
That's why I hate dudes doing jujitsu. I used

01:31:36.779 --> 01:31:38.640
to just be bigger than everyone. I used to lay

01:31:38.640 --> 01:31:40.380
on them. You never know now. Now everybody's

01:31:40.380 --> 01:31:41.899
doing karate and bullshit. Now you lay on them

01:31:41.899 --> 01:31:44.199
and they get you with their dick in your mouth

01:31:44.199 --> 01:31:46.060
while they're triangling you. Do you remember

01:31:46.060 --> 01:31:49.020
Nashville? Nashville? We were there once and

01:31:49.020 --> 01:31:53.020
some guy, I forget his name, he's big into Ibogaine,

01:31:53.079 --> 01:31:55.600
and he was like, he got into a fight and he had

01:31:55.600 --> 01:31:57.500
to choke somebody out. It was like some bigger

01:31:57.500 --> 01:31:59.619
guy. So we were on the road together a long time

01:31:59.619 --> 01:32:00.939
ago, and he had to choke somebody. He choked

01:32:00.939 --> 01:32:02.460
him out, and then went to the bouncer. He was

01:32:02.460 --> 01:32:03.880
like, hey, I had to put him to sleep. I'm leaving

01:32:03.880 --> 01:32:06.079
right now. Because he was pushing his girlfriend.

01:32:06.260 --> 01:32:08.880
I do remember that. Who was that? The Jits guy,

01:32:09.000 --> 01:32:11.020
for sure. Oh, I can't say his name. Yeah. Yeah,

01:32:11.020 --> 01:32:13.159
he's a buddy of mine. Yeah, I won't say his name,

01:32:13.239 --> 01:32:15.180
but yeah. But he's smaller. He was a smaller

01:32:15.180 --> 01:32:17.180
guy. He was like 165 pounds, and some guy was

01:32:17.180 --> 01:32:19.140
an asshole. And I'm like, this guy's fucking

01:32:19.140 --> 01:32:21.819
up. He's making a big mistake here. Damn. And

01:32:21.819 --> 01:32:24.560
then next thing you know, he fucking just strangles

01:32:24.560 --> 01:32:27.149
that guy. But so calmly, went to the bounce.

01:32:27.250 --> 01:32:29.270
So I'm leaving, obviously, but I just put a guy

01:32:29.270 --> 01:32:32.449
to sleep there. And the guy was like, whoa. Yeah,

01:32:32.550 --> 01:32:34.689
that's right. I can learn that with one class,

01:32:34.689 --> 01:32:37.729
and I won't do it. One class? That's how smart

01:32:37.729 --> 01:32:41.250
you are? Well, imagine. How long does that take

01:32:41.250 --> 01:32:43.569
to learn? Years. Oh, okay. Well, then fuck that.

01:32:43.649 --> 01:32:45.729
To be competent. But it only takes like six months

01:32:45.729 --> 01:32:48.210
to be able to handle yourself against most humans.

01:32:48.880 --> 01:32:51.000
Yeah, in six months. Six months. Yeah, you can

01:32:51.000 --> 01:32:52.739
be competent enough to handle yourself against

01:32:52.739 --> 01:32:54.560
most people. I remember Joe List was taking classes

01:32:54.560 --> 01:32:57.779
for, I think it was about three or four months

01:32:57.779 --> 01:32:59.859
in. Yeah. And he came to the stand and was like,

01:33:00.020 --> 01:33:03.020
I've been doing this. I can beat you up. I was

01:33:03.020 --> 01:33:05.560
like, Joe, I'll fucking kill you. Now I think

01:33:05.560 --> 01:33:07.119
he can do it. He's been doing it for a long time.

01:33:07.359 --> 01:33:10.359
There's a lot of physics involved. You're a big

01:33:10.359 --> 01:33:16.140
guy. The big size, it has an impact. It makes

01:33:16.140 --> 01:33:19.060
a big deal. It takes a while to choke out a big

01:33:19.060 --> 01:33:21.720
guy. I could take Brad Williams. That would be

01:33:21.720 --> 01:33:24.140
fun. Hold his head, his hands are swinging. What

01:33:24.140 --> 01:33:26.960
if he headbutts you? Oh, that I'm done. That

01:33:26.960 --> 01:33:30.260
noggin will really kill a man. Fucking just kill

01:33:30.260 --> 01:33:34.960
a man. You ever killed anybody? No, not yet.

01:33:35.119 --> 01:33:36.859
I wonder what that feels like. Probably not good.

01:33:37.260 --> 01:33:38.760
It's probably a horrible feeling. It feels horrible

01:33:38.760 --> 01:33:40.300
to knock someone out. It's a terrible feeling.

01:33:40.439 --> 01:33:42.100
Does it? Yeah, it doesn't feel good. Because

01:33:42.100 --> 01:33:43.739
it feels like that could have been me, and you're

01:33:43.739 --> 01:33:46.300
like, what am I doing? Right. It's a weird feeling.

01:33:46.680 --> 01:33:49.460
Even on the mat, though? No, in the mat, you

01:33:49.460 --> 01:33:52.539
choke them out, and that's not that bad. You

01:33:52.539 --> 01:33:55.140
ever put to sleep? No, I've tapped every time.

01:33:55.220 --> 01:33:58.039
I have. Yeah, I've been tapped. I've tapped like

01:33:58.039 --> 01:34:00.859
a thousand times. If someone touches my throat,

01:34:00.939 --> 01:34:03.039
I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop. In class once,

01:34:03.159 --> 01:34:05.500
in the first bomb squad, it was like we were

01:34:05.500 --> 01:34:08.119
doing arm triangles and just drills. So it was

01:34:08.119 --> 01:34:09.359
like, no, it wasn't not tapping. He was like,

01:34:09.399 --> 01:34:10.539
do I have it? I'm like, you don't have it, man.

01:34:10.960 --> 01:34:12.760
I'm still talking to you like it's not there.

01:34:12.920 --> 01:34:15.239
He goes, let me rearrange. And he was like, I

01:34:15.239 --> 01:34:18.720
woke up with Eddie standing over me. Wow. I was

01:34:18.720 --> 01:34:20.489
like, wait, what just happened? It happens all

01:34:20.489 --> 01:34:23.010
the time in class, and it's like a garden hose.

01:34:23.170 --> 01:34:25.050
Say if you cut the water off a garden hose, you

01:34:25.050 --> 01:34:26.850
bend it, and it stops the water flowing, and

01:34:26.850 --> 01:34:28.109
then you open it back up, and it flows again.

01:34:28.289 --> 01:34:30.770
It doesn't have the same damage that getting

01:34:30.770 --> 01:34:32.909
knocked out does. It's refreshing. Knocked out

01:34:32.909 --> 01:34:35.189
is terrifying. I got knocked out at a party in

01:34:35.189 --> 01:34:38.010
college, and I pissed myself. And my girlfriend

01:34:38.010 --> 01:34:40.090
at the time was over me like, what, are you okay?

01:34:40.489 --> 01:34:44.369
And I was like, don't look at my dick. It's wet.

01:34:45.010 --> 01:34:46.810
Wait, your girlfriend saw you get knocked out?

01:34:46.869 --> 01:34:48.850
Yeah, I was so white and just went out on a front

01:34:48.850 --> 01:34:51.069
lawn. How was the relationship after that? Not

01:34:51.069 --> 01:34:53.430
good. I started fucking the guy who knocked me

01:34:53.430 --> 01:34:57.619
out. I mean, it was a sucker punch in my defense.

01:34:57.880 --> 01:34:59.600
Well, that's the problem with sucker punches.

01:34:59.779 --> 01:35:01.579
Yeah. That's why you can't let anybody who's

01:35:01.579 --> 01:35:03.800
angry get close to you. When people are angry

01:35:03.800 --> 01:35:05.119
and they get close to you, you either got to

01:35:05.119 --> 01:35:07.319
push them away from you or grab them. Because

01:35:07.319 --> 01:35:10.060
when they start doing that, anybody can get sucker

01:35:10.060 --> 01:35:14.439
punched. Because reaction time is so much slower

01:35:14.439 --> 01:35:16.859
than action time. Action time is like, bang,

01:35:16.979 --> 01:35:19.300
you could crack somebody. In reaction time, you're

01:35:19.300 --> 01:35:21.359
in the middle of real life. Shane's like, sorry.

01:35:21.899 --> 01:35:24.199
Jamie. We got more beers? Can I get one? I'm

01:35:24.199 --> 01:35:26.449
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry. JMO. Sorry

01:35:26.449 --> 01:35:29.729
to interrupt. I saw Joe once. I'm not going to

01:35:29.729 --> 01:35:32.409
say who, but somebody got in his face. And it's

01:35:32.409 --> 01:35:35.920
just like. Get under hooks. And the guy was like,

01:35:35.960 --> 01:35:39.560
what the fuck? What's happening? When people

01:35:39.560 --> 01:35:41.899
don't realize how vulnerable they are and then

01:35:41.899 --> 01:35:43.899
they do, there's a moment where there's a look

01:35:43.899 --> 01:35:45.579
on their face. You're like, oh my God. I don't

01:35:45.579 --> 01:35:47.920
know anything. When you just grab their body

01:35:47.920 --> 01:35:51.260
and just squeeze it. It's like a moment in school

01:35:51.260 --> 01:35:53.140
where they bring in signs instead of just like

01:35:53.140 --> 01:35:55.119
numbers into math. And you're like, oh, I don't

01:35:55.119 --> 01:35:58.119
know it. What the fuck is that? What's X, Y?

01:35:58.439 --> 01:36:01.020
Well, it's good to know something so you don't

01:36:01.020 --> 01:36:02.640
have to hurt someone. So like in that situation,

01:36:02.699 --> 01:36:05.260
I didn't hurt the guy. I just grabbed him and

01:36:05.260 --> 01:36:08.399
went, listen. But remember when you were a kid,

01:36:08.460 --> 01:36:09.739
I feel like being... What were we doing this

01:36:09.739 --> 01:36:13.060
whole time? Preparing for alcoholism. That's

01:36:13.060 --> 01:36:16.039
what I am doing. Being knocked out used to be

01:36:16.039 --> 01:36:18.739
part of childhood, I thought. Well, we thought

01:36:18.739 --> 01:36:21.500
it was okay. We didn't think it was like... It

01:36:21.500 --> 01:36:23.720
haunts you for life. I know people that have

01:36:23.720 --> 01:36:25.819
been knocked... Hey, Jesus! I know people that

01:36:25.819 --> 01:36:27.340
have been knocked out and they've never been

01:36:27.340 --> 01:36:30.880
the same again. Quite a few people. Joe Biden.

01:36:32.170 --> 01:36:34.970
Well, he did have fucking serious brain surgery.

01:36:34.989 --> 01:36:36.810
He was a football player. I bet he got dinged

01:36:36.810 --> 01:36:38.010
around a little. What did he play? I bet there's

01:36:38.010 --> 01:36:39.909
that, too. That was back in the leather helmet

01:36:39.909 --> 01:36:42.449
days. Oh, my God. When I found out he played

01:36:42.449 --> 01:36:44.010
football, I liked him a little more. Did you?

01:36:44.289 --> 01:36:47.329
I think he used to be like a charming guy. Really?

01:36:47.369 --> 01:36:48.989
I liked what he was doing. You know what? I'm

01:36:48.989 --> 01:36:51.149
racist, so I really liked a lot of what he was

01:36:51.149 --> 01:36:54.210
doing his entire career. Building prisons and

01:36:54.210 --> 01:36:55.630
stuff. I don't even know what he does. I like

01:36:55.630 --> 01:36:58.069
the - Well, the crime bill from 94. Yeah, I love

01:36:58.069 --> 01:37:00.250
the crime bill, so I was a big Biden guy for

01:37:00.250 --> 01:37:03.850
a long time. I love seeing Shane on podcasts

01:37:03.850 --> 01:37:05.989
talk about stuff, go the opposite way, and then

01:37:05.989 --> 01:37:08.069
people are like, what's up with him? He's like,

01:37:08.890 --> 01:37:11.670
I'm Joe. I went and did Cigar's podcast, and

01:37:11.670 --> 01:37:13.229
I sat down, and I was just like, I love being

01:37:13.229 --> 01:37:15.409
in Texas. I love the abortion laws here. Oh,

01:37:15.409 --> 01:37:17.720
my God. They were just there. But they were good,

01:37:17.760 --> 01:37:21.300
though. They got it. They got it. They got it

01:37:21.300 --> 01:37:23.300
100%. Here, Jamie, I'm going to send you something

01:37:23.300 --> 01:37:25.560
else. It's weird how few people get comedy. They're

01:37:25.560 --> 01:37:27.760
like, what? That's Biden? Biden was a beast,

01:37:27.859 --> 01:37:30.720
dude. Stop the woods, Mr. Vice President. But

01:37:30.720 --> 01:37:32.800
this is before black players. It certainly was

01:37:32.800 --> 01:37:35.319
because of Biden. This is before color film.

01:37:35.800 --> 01:37:37.840
Look at this. This is black and white. This is

01:37:37.840 --> 01:37:40.699
what the fuck? That's actually fast motion. What

01:37:40.699 --> 01:37:44.989
are these subtitles even saying? I follow football.

01:37:45.109 --> 01:37:46.149
I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

01:37:46.149 --> 01:37:47.930
Yeah, what is it at the top? Archmere, Biden,

01:37:48.210 --> 01:37:51.489
BP, Seven Men movie. Wow, nice fucking route,

01:37:51.609 --> 01:37:53.630
dude. Look how slow they are. You want to know

01:37:53.630 --> 01:37:55.229
something wild? Tell us people before steroids.

01:37:55.350 --> 01:37:58.029
My family. Nobody high -stepped. My family, the

01:37:58.029 --> 01:38:00.649
Gillis family, owned mushroom farms. We were

01:38:00.649 --> 01:38:02.770
mushroom farmers in Delaware. Like what kind

01:38:02.770 --> 01:38:05.710
of mushrooms? Just regular mushrooms. Fuck! Now,

01:38:05.729 --> 01:38:08.590
allegedly, the old legend goes, a guy delivering

01:38:08.590 --> 01:38:11.920
corn cobs to the Gillis mushroom farm. Drove

01:38:11.920 --> 01:38:14.779
a truck into Biden's wife and killed her. Shut

01:38:14.779 --> 01:38:18.220
up. Oh, my God. They did die. His family, his

01:38:18.220 --> 01:38:20.359
wife, and his child. Allegedly, that's how. Oh,

01:38:20.359 --> 01:38:25.520
my God. Oh, my God. Sleepy Joe. Mushroom truck.

01:38:26.659 --> 01:38:29.239
Oh, listen to this. Play this. Play it from the

01:38:29.239 --> 01:38:31.479
beginning. Rewind it from the beginning and give

01:38:31.479 --> 01:38:33.020
me some volume. That was an interesting story.

01:38:33.020 --> 01:38:34.579
Shane killed Biden. Very interesting. Shane killed

01:38:34.579 --> 01:38:37.520
Biden's wife. I thought Joe did it. Watch this.

01:38:38.739 --> 01:38:55.279
This is crazy. It's Australian. Oh, man. It's

01:38:55.279 --> 01:38:57.619
like watching your friend hit a vaporizer and

01:38:57.619 --> 01:38:59.720
call his parents. They try to break this down.

01:39:00.380 --> 01:39:02.000
They try to break this down like a football play.

01:39:08.680 --> 01:39:11.680
Nah, nah, local reference. They don't get it

01:39:11.680 --> 01:39:13.760
in Australia. That's a local reference. Is it?

01:39:13.899 --> 01:39:16.859
Yeah, for sure. It's so easy to see these things

01:39:16.859 --> 01:39:18.460
now. You're like, okay, they definitely don't

01:39:18.460 --> 01:39:19.800
know what portal bridge is. That meant something.

01:39:20.000 --> 01:39:22.880
We've seen your bitch -ass antibodies. You sure

01:39:22.880 --> 01:39:25.699
you want to take it? Those are Biden voter antibodies.

01:39:26.239 --> 01:39:28.279
We got Biden antibodies, dude. I'm not a voter.

01:39:28.340 --> 01:39:30.199
I'm not a voter at all. The only way to change

01:39:30.199 --> 01:39:32.859
this is through violent revolution. Wow. Really?

01:39:33.460 --> 01:39:35.640
What's that? Pot? Yeah, it's pot, bitch. Are

01:39:35.640 --> 01:39:38.579
you scared? I'm not doing the show tonight. We're

01:39:38.579 --> 01:39:40.380
doing a show like that. We have a show in one

01:39:40.380 --> 01:39:41.220
hour. I'm not doing the rest of this fucking

01:39:41.220 --> 01:39:43.460
podcast. We're fine. One little baby hit. It's

01:39:43.460 --> 01:39:45.000
okay. Don't take it if you're a fucking pussy.

01:39:45.239 --> 01:39:48.810
Yeah, it's definitely California pot. Oh, don't

01:39:48.810 --> 01:39:51.170
pass that over here. That's the real shit. He

01:39:51.170 --> 01:39:52.670
did the fucking Clinton. I'm not doing it. He

01:39:52.670 --> 01:39:54.909
did the Clinton don't inhale. I didn't blow any

01:39:54.909 --> 01:39:56.210
of your lungs. Breathe out through your nose,

01:39:56.229 --> 01:39:57.470
then. You don't have to do it. Why are you making

01:39:57.470 --> 01:40:00.630
me do more hits? Hand it to me. I'm falling for

01:40:00.630 --> 01:40:03.449
it. Mark has to do it. I just smell it. Woo!

01:40:03.710 --> 01:40:07.149
No, dude, I did it. That's Gavin Newsom weed.

01:40:07.630 --> 01:40:11.930
That's Newsom. That's the new song. I'm not going

01:40:11.930 --> 01:40:15.090
on stage. Already? That one little hit? A quick

01:40:15.090 --> 01:40:18.640
comedy. Come on. Just one hit, I'm like, oh,

01:40:18.779 --> 01:40:22.760
shit. I'm alive, but I won't be forever. No,

01:40:22.760 --> 01:40:24.779
that's not it. I don't know. What is it? This

01:40:24.779 --> 01:40:26.859
takes that away. You got that right. This is

01:40:26.859 --> 01:40:30.119
immortality. Yeah, booze makes you feel good.

01:40:30.180 --> 01:40:30.840
That should be one of the side effects. Weed

01:40:30.840 --> 01:40:34.500
makes you feel bad. Jesus. Did you get it? Did

01:40:34.500 --> 01:40:36.539
you do it right? Semen. I did. I did it too right.

01:40:36.699 --> 01:40:39.119
That's the problem when you cough. Why does your

01:40:39.119 --> 01:40:41.460
cough get extra hot? Yeah, what is that? It lets

01:40:41.460 --> 01:40:45.100
more air in. You must know. It was always you're

01:40:45.100 --> 01:40:47.880
supposed to try to cough to open up the capillaries.

01:40:48.140 --> 01:40:51.020
Maybe. It makes sense. If you cough, it fucking

01:40:51.020 --> 01:40:53.779
lights you up. If we get drugs, you have to do

01:40:53.779 --> 01:40:56.640
drugs now. What do you mean? Real ones. Let's

01:40:56.640 --> 01:40:58.880
do shrooms. Who are you even talking to? Who

01:40:58.880 --> 01:41:00.199
knows who's fucking bringing them in? Mushrooms

01:41:00.199 --> 01:41:02.539
are good. Dude, Austin's always a big pill town.

01:41:02.659 --> 01:41:05.039
Let's do mushrooms. Okay, cannabis mist. Does

01:41:05.039 --> 01:41:07.159
coffee make you higher? Okay. Creates a lack

01:41:07.159 --> 01:41:09.079
of oxygen. The physical act of coughing creates

01:41:09.079 --> 01:41:11.939
a person to sputter. Their lungs compress, creates

01:41:11.939 --> 01:41:15.060
a lack of oxygen. It's this. Momentary lack of

01:41:15.060 --> 01:41:16.800
oxygen in the brain that can actually heighten

01:41:16.800 --> 01:41:18.880
the feeling of cannabis high, making its effects

01:41:18.880 --> 01:41:21.000
more noticeable and your high seem more intense.

01:41:21.199 --> 01:41:22.779
That sounds like someone who's a scientist that

01:41:22.779 --> 01:41:24.720
doesn't get high. Yeah. Because it gets you higher.

01:41:25.020 --> 01:41:28.180
It gets you higher. Yeah, it's not a myth. It

01:41:28.180 --> 01:41:29.640
gets you higher. But I wonder if it's, well,

01:41:29.720 --> 01:41:31.020
the fact that you were coughing means you just

01:41:31.020 --> 01:41:32.859
took in so much. Right. That's what made you

01:41:32.859 --> 01:41:34.300
cough. It's not coughing that makes you cough.

01:41:34.319 --> 01:41:36.520
Bong hits, right? Yeah, yeah, bong. That's what

01:41:36.520 --> 01:41:39.060
I used to smoke. We used to smoke gravity bongs

01:41:39.060 --> 01:41:41.590
all the time. So that was my first experience

01:41:41.590 --> 01:41:44.090
with weed was just getting launched into outer

01:41:44.090 --> 01:41:45.529
space. Dude, did you go back and watch the early

01:41:45.529 --> 01:41:49.189
podcasts? Yeah. We used to have a volcano. I

01:41:49.189 --> 01:41:50.909
don't know how this podcast caught on. It's amazing.

01:41:50.949 --> 01:41:54.529
It was just us fucking quiet. Obliterated. We

01:41:54.529 --> 01:41:55.949
would get obliterated. I didn't know what I was

01:41:55.949 --> 01:41:57.670
talking about. And some of the dumbest shit,

01:41:57.729 --> 01:41:59.430
like when people get in trouble for old clips,

01:41:59.670 --> 01:42:01.390
I was so high I didn't even know what I was saying.

01:42:01.569 --> 01:42:04.449
We had a bag, like a plastic bag. It would fill

01:42:04.449 --> 01:42:06.770
up with vapor. It's a balloon. It was great.

01:42:06.930 --> 01:42:08.850
Yeah, it's this thing. It's called a volcano.

01:42:09.319 --> 01:42:11.779
seen a volcano? So you hit the button and a fan

01:42:11.779 --> 01:42:14.619
blows and it fills this bag up and then you have

01:42:14.619 --> 01:42:17.619
like a socket and you press the socket and it's

01:42:17.619 --> 01:42:20.060
all vapor. And it's not real smoke so you don't

01:42:20.060 --> 01:42:22.479
see a lot coming out of your mouth so it's deceptive.

01:42:22.500 --> 01:42:24.520
It's a weird high too because you don't, there's

01:42:24.520 --> 01:42:27.619
something about like the plant fiber. The shooting

01:42:27.619 --> 01:42:31.260
stars. Yeah, the shooting stars. Damn. Yeah,

01:42:31.279 --> 01:42:34.220
the shooting stars. It's dope, right? Yeah. We

01:42:34.220 --> 01:42:37.720
spared no expense. But there's something about

01:42:37.720 --> 01:42:39.699
that high is a different high. It's like a more

01:42:39.699 --> 01:42:42.039
confusing high like you're not as used to it

01:42:42.039 --> 01:42:44.500
Yeah, the vaporize high and I think you just

01:42:44.500 --> 01:42:47.359
get way more THC cuz I think it's pure It's not

01:42:47.359 --> 01:42:49.960
coming in on a like burning plant rider, right?

01:42:49.979 --> 01:42:52.380
Well when you smoke when you smoke a joint you

01:42:52.380 --> 01:42:54.300
see a bunch of smoke come out, right? So that's

01:42:54.300 --> 01:42:56.319
smoke you're not getting Those vaporizers, it

01:42:56.319 --> 01:42:59.520
all goes in. It doesn't hurt your lungs, so you

01:42:59.520 --> 01:43:02.579
can take a way deeper hit. I think it's smaller

01:43:02.579 --> 01:43:04.420
particles, too. Maybe it gets in your bloodstream

01:43:04.420 --> 01:43:06.420
quicker. Remember that shit where you'd go with

01:43:06.420 --> 01:43:09.220
the paper towel holder, the roll, and you'd go

01:43:09.220 --> 01:43:11.680
up against the wall and go up? Remember you'd

01:43:11.680 --> 01:43:13.779
stand up with the guy who was blowing weed in

01:43:13.779 --> 01:43:15.960
your face? Did you guys do that one? Like they

01:43:15.960 --> 01:43:18.199
smash into your face? No, no, no, no, no. You

01:43:18.199 --> 01:43:20.260
guys are both on your knees, and then you both

01:43:20.260 --> 01:43:22.460
go up together, and he blows, and you stand up

01:43:22.460 --> 01:43:25.090
and fall right down. You guys ever did that?

01:43:25.229 --> 01:43:27.489
No. Maybe it was a southern thing. Yeah, it was

01:43:27.489 --> 01:43:29.050
like a shotgun, but it was a paper towel holder.

01:43:29.050 --> 01:43:31.090
And you would fall down together? New Orleans.

01:43:31.170 --> 01:43:32.689
Jamie's shaking his head. He's an old school

01:43:32.689 --> 01:43:35.750
stoner. You know it? That's like a mix of shotgunning,

01:43:35.750 --> 01:43:37.829
but the thing where you stand up so fast that

01:43:37.829 --> 01:43:39.829
you pass out. Yeah, yeah. Those were good times.

01:43:40.170 --> 01:43:42.250
Damn, that was wild you were doing that. Oh,

01:43:42.289 --> 01:43:43.710
it was the 90s. That's probably what fucked you

01:43:43.710 --> 01:43:45.289
up. Yeah. Probably what fucked you up so bad.

01:43:45.329 --> 01:43:48.510
I think the craziest weed visuals are watching

01:43:48.510 --> 01:43:50.489
people in Vietnam smoking through the barrel

01:43:50.489 --> 01:43:53.329
of a rifle. What? What? Yeah, they smoke. Smoke

01:43:53.329 --> 01:43:56.350
weed. Like one guy will take a big hit and he'll

01:43:56.350 --> 01:43:58.149
blow it through. And the other guy on the other

01:43:58.149 --> 01:44:00.189
end of the rifle will suck it in. And they do

01:44:00.189 --> 01:44:02.270
it all the time. They were doing it all the time

01:44:02.270 --> 01:44:04.699
in Vietnam. Blow it up. Yeah, it would smoke

01:44:04.699 --> 01:44:06.539
out of the barrel. The best was parties, too,

01:44:06.600 --> 01:44:07.880
when girls were like, shotgun's under my mouth.

01:44:07.939 --> 01:44:10.199
And you're like, we're making out for sure. Yeah.

01:44:11.079 --> 01:44:13.880
Shotgun's under your mouth. That's step one.

01:44:14.100 --> 01:44:17.699
Yeah, so these guys, they would use their fucking

01:44:17.699 --> 01:44:19.800
service rifles. And we couldn't beat Afghanistan.

01:44:20.100 --> 01:44:22.000
Yeah, so it was a shotgun, actually. This was

01:44:22.000 --> 01:44:25.920
a nail. This was the first Afghanistan. And they

01:44:25.920 --> 01:44:28.850
would use, like, old grandpa pipes. Damn. Yeah,

01:44:29.029 --> 01:44:31.090
which is probably a better pipe anyway. It's

01:44:31.090 --> 01:44:34.930
cool. Right? So look at this. Oh, my God. Whoa.

01:44:34.970 --> 01:44:37.390
So he blows on it, and the other guy on the other

01:44:37.390 --> 01:44:38.970
end. This was it. This is what I was doing at

01:44:38.970 --> 01:44:41.829
a party. Wow. Look at that. That's wild. So he

01:44:41.829 --> 01:44:43.810
blows on the pipe, and then the other end is

01:44:43.810 --> 01:44:46.109
just fucking streamlining into these guys. Talk

01:44:46.109 --> 01:44:47.630
about camaraderie. You'll be friends with these

01:44:47.630 --> 01:44:53.079
guys forever. Yeah. Or 20 minutes. Is this your

01:44:53.079 --> 01:44:57.079
leg or Tony's leg? This is so ballsy to do this

01:44:57.079 --> 01:44:58.680
in the middle of the jungle. How do you know

01:44:58.680 --> 01:45:00.800
you're not going to sniper? Well, you don't.

01:45:00.800 --> 01:45:04.100
I think they were accepting the warm embrace

01:45:04.100 --> 01:45:07.760
of death. Just running their last days out. Probably,

01:45:07.899 --> 01:45:10.119
man. Imagine when you're over there and then

01:45:10.119 --> 01:45:12.119
you get older and you realize you went over there

01:45:12.119 --> 01:45:15.600
for no reason. For nothing. Oof. It's about the

01:45:15.600 --> 01:45:18.159
guy next to you. Friends who died, and then you

01:45:18.159 --> 01:45:20.619
went over there for what? Like a fake attack

01:45:20.619 --> 01:45:23.180
on America that they called the Gulf of Tonkin

01:45:23.180 --> 01:45:26.100
incident. The Gulf of Tonkin incident never really

01:45:26.100 --> 01:45:28.380
took place. They pretended the North Vietnamese

01:45:28.380 --> 01:45:30.420
attacked us, so they had to go over there, and

01:45:30.420 --> 01:45:32.279
they were fighting against communism. And so

01:45:32.279 --> 01:45:35.399
Americans died, and then years and years later,

01:45:35.439 --> 01:45:39.520
the Freedom Information Act comes out, and they

01:45:39.520 --> 01:45:42.479
realize that there was no real event, and then

01:45:42.479 --> 01:45:44.600
it's just bullshit. Do you remember that senator?

01:45:45.359 --> 01:45:47.359
Sorry. Do you remember that senator? Oh, dude,

01:45:47.399 --> 01:45:48.960
you didn't like that. You're right. I'm joking.

01:45:49.039 --> 01:45:50.340
I'm like, I got a little high. Nice going, Mark.

01:45:50.500 --> 01:45:52.659
Sorry, Joe. I didn't want to hurt you. What's

01:45:52.659 --> 01:45:54.760
your problem, Mark? I felt it when you did it.

01:45:55.079 --> 01:45:57.260
The reason why it stung is I knew my story was

01:45:57.260 --> 01:45:59.560
boring. No, it's a good story. It's a fun fact.

01:45:59.699 --> 01:46:02.060
It stung. It stung. You got me. There was a senator

01:46:02.060 --> 01:46:04.760
who ran on, did a bunch of time as senator, ran

01:46:04.760 --> 01:46:06.739
on the fact that he was a hero, and then it came

01:46:06.739 --> 01:46:08.899
out and he was like, hey, I can't hide this anymore.

01:46:09.140 --> 01:46:11.399
I raped and killed a bunch of people. Oh, hold

01:46:11.399 --> 01:46:13.420
on a second. You guys missed. what Ari just said.

01:46:13.500 --> 01:46:14.899
Say that again? There was some senator who was

01:46:14.899 --> 01:46:18.340
like, he was a Vietnam hero. And then it comes

01:46:18.340 --> 01:46:20.020
out later, he's like, no, I raped and killed

01:46:20.020 --> 01:46:22.439
a bunch of people. Oh, what a bitch. What a lying

01:46:22.439 --> 01:46:25.300
bitch. Oh my God, really? He resigned after that.

01:46:25.479 --> 01:46:27.100
He just couldn't take it anymore? Yeah, but he

01:46:27.100 --> 01:46:29.500
was like 20, 30 years in the Senate as like this

01:46:29.500 --> 01:46:31.319
hero, but the whole time it was just like that.

01:46:31.319 --> 01:46:33.100
Yeah, but remember when Al Franken almost touched

01:46:33.100 --> 01:46:35.420
that lady's boobs? That was serious. That was

01:46:35.420 --> 01:46:39.380
for real. Pronouns. Not like war. Dorks nowadays.

01:46:40.399 --> 01:46:42.779
Can't take the slightest nothing. That was back

01:46:42.779 --> 01:46:45.399
when Al Franken was a comedian too and not a

01:46:45.399 --> 01:46:47.300
senator. He still is. He was on the USO tour

01:46:47.300 --> 01:46:48.779
thing. Yeah, he does the cellar all the time.

01:46:48.800 --> 01:46:50.720
He does the cellar a lot. Does he? I hate it.

01:46:50.739 --> 01:46:52.920
Legitimately? Yeah, he has like 45. minutes.

01:46:52.939 --> 01:46:54.840
You don't like when he goes down? He hates it

01:46:54.840 --> 01:46:58.079
forever. What do you mean? He does too long.

01:46:58.140 --> 01:46:59.739
All these people who bump, they do too long.

01:46:59.819 --> 01:47:02.699
Oh, they bump. Why don't they just call? He stops

01:47:02.699 --> 01:47:05.260
bumping, apparently. All you have to do is call.

01:47:05.710 --> 01:47:07.670
All you got to do is call. Aziz started calling.

01:47:07.750 --> 01:47:09.770
I always just called. Louie calls. Louie gets

01:47:09.770 --> 01:47:12.229
a spot. Everybody gets a spot. Why are you jumping

01:47:12.229 --> 01:47:13.750
in? Yeah, you used to always do it. He doesn't

01:47:13.750 --> 01:47:16.829
know. Well, I remember. You and I have talked

01:47:16.829 --> 01:47:19.050
about that. I've seen you get bumped a bunch

01:47:19.050 --> 01:47:21.090
of times. Sorry about that. I got bumped when

01:47:21.090 --> 01:47:23.270
I first started, and we talked about it. I was

01:47:23.270 --> 01:47:24.949
like, I'm never doing that. I'm not doing that.

01:47:25.010 --> 01:47:27.149
We saw this guy bump four days in a row, and

01:47:27.149 --> 01:47:29.050
I remember Rogan, already fear factor Rogan,

01:47:29.090 --> 01:47:32.270
like pretty big, going like, I call in. It's

01:47:32.270 --> 01:47:33.949
his fourth day in a row. He knows he's coming.

01:47:34.010 --> 01:47:36.539
Why aren't you calling? It's not hard to call.

01:47:36.619 --> 01:47:38.180
It's not hard to call. But it's a thing where

01:47:38.180 --> 01:47:41.699
you earn that right to bump and you used to watch

01:47:41.699 --> 01:47:44.220
all these guys come in and bump. And there's

01:47:44.220 --> 01:47:47.100
a thing that people wanted. It was like encouraging

01:47:47.100 --> 01:47:48.920
the culture, I think, before we started talking

01:47:48.920 --> 01:47:52.220
about it. I think it was encouraged to be a guy

01:47:52.220 --> 01:47:54.579
who got so big that you could bump. Everybody

01:47:54.579 --> 01:47:56.340
wanted to be a guy. And there was a few people

01:47:56.340 --> 01:47:57.619
that would bump that really shouldn't have been

01:47:57.619 --> 01:47:59.220
bumping. Remember those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like

01:47:59.220 --> 01:48:02.739
real fucking fringe on a WB show that no one's

01:48:02.739 --> 01:48:05.960
watching. It's like, I call Frankie tonight.

01:48:06.340 --> 01:48:08.420
Oh, you got to follow Frankie? God damn. That's

01:48:08.420 --> 01:48:10.199
a tough follow. He does a full history report.

01:48:10.199 --> 01:48:12.479
He does a long time. It was going a while. I

01:48:12.479 --> 01:48:14.180
think he's gotten better, I've heard. I think

01:48:14.180 --> 01:48:15.579
it was just no one told him what the deal was.

01:48:15.579 --> 01:48:18.399
I liked it. The problem is he was doing like.

01:48:19.199 --> 01:48:21.699
Senator impressions Of guys from like The Oklahoma

01:48:21.699 --> 01:48:24.199
Republican Who's like Are you sure of this And

01:48:24.199 --> 01:48:26.020
it's a crowd The seller crowd Is like 20 year

01:48:26.020 --> 01:48:28.699
old Girls from NYU 30 % of them know What the

01:48:28.699 --> 01:48:30.319
fuck he's talking about They're just like I guess

01:48:30.319 --> 01:48:32.720
that's an impression But We remember when Dennis

01:48:32.720 --> 01:48:36.000
Miller Would say A bunch of crazy shit That like

01:48:36.660 --> 01:48:39.560
no one could know. People would laugh. It would

01:48:39.560 --> 01:48:42.060
be like the most obscure references about like

01:48:42.060 --> 01:48:45.020
the 1400s. He had a tone though. It was a funny

01:48:45.020 --> 01:48:47.060
reference. You had to know what he was saying

01:48:47.060 --> 01:48:48.920
or you were a fucking loser. I'm talking about

01:48:48.920 --> 01:48:52.159
Arafat, babe. That sounds pretty good. I was

01:48:52.159 --> 01:48:54.060
on a plane with Norm Macdonald once just randomly

01:48:54.060 --> 01:48:55.420
and he sat next to me and he goes, you know,

01:48:55.460 --> 01:48:59.460
he doesn't even know any of that stuff. He's

01:48:59.460 --> 01:49:01.640
like, yeah. He just fucking finds out and writes

01:49:01.640 --> 01:49:03.680
it down and he just says it. It's not like he

01:49:03.680 --> 01:49:06.640
knows it. Norm on the Dennis Miller show is unreal.

01:49:06.659 --> 01:49:09.300
Yeah, he's unreal. Great clips. Of him on Dennis

01:49:09.300 --> 01:49:11.899
Miller? My hero, yeah. Isn't it the most Norm

01:49:11.899 --> 01:49:14.060
thing ever to not tell everybody that you were

01:49:14.060 --> 01:49:15.720
dying of cancer and then just die? What a G.

01:49:15.720 --> 01:49:19.600
What a G. What a G. Badass. Goddamn. A total

01:49:19.600 --> 01:49:21.439
Norm move, too, right? Yeah, where's your sympathy

01:49:21.439 --> 01:49:23.920
from everybody? Fuck off. He got canceled. He

01:49:23.920 --> 01:49:26.380
got to put that card on the table. Cancer, motherfucker.

01:49:26.819 --> 01:49:30.140
And he didn't even tell his best friends. He

01:49:30.140 --> 01:49:31.920
said he was going to Canada to take care of his

01:49:31.920 --> 01:49:34.619
mom. He didn't tell me either. He told Adam Egan

01:49:34.619 --> 01:49:36.359
he's got a big race coming for him. Didn't tell

01:49:36.359 --> 01:49:39.100
Adam. How dare you. Didn't tell Adam. Damn. That's

01:49:39.100 --> 01:49:45.199
the last joke. Genius comic, though. Genius.

01:49:45.239 --> 01:49:49.180
Goddamn. He was so unique in his, the way, he

01:49:49.180 --> 01:49:51.260
expressed himself how he was really thinking.

01:49:51.460 --> 01:49:53.300
Like, the way he would, like, he would say something

01:49:53.300 --> 01:49:55.619
fucked up to you in the green room, he would

01:49:55.619 --> 01:49:57.979
say the exact same thing on stage. Really? And

01:49:57.979 --> 01:50:00.640
he would say, he had this way of looking at things

01:50:00.640 --> 01:50:04.060
that was... Absolutely unique to him. Yeah. He

01:50:04.060 --> 01:50:06.560
bombed a good bit, too. He did. He took chances.

01:50:06.760 --> 01:50:08.659
Which must have been so fun to watch. I never

01:50:08.659 --> 01:50:12.460
saw him bomb. Caroline's ones, fucking throwing

01:50:12.460 --> 01:50:15.460
down one. God, it was like he just didn't care.

01:50:15.600 --> 01:50:17.020
I saw the Caroline's, too. Didn't care. He got

01:50:17.020 --> 01:50:19.000
heckled. He was drinking a Coca -Cola, and he

01:50:19.000 --> 01:50:21.359
got heckled, and he was like. I don't want to

01:50:21.359 --> 01:50:23.819
do this. I'm just going to go back to my act.

01:50:23.920 --> 01:50:26.140
And that was it. Completely randomly. Just like,

01:50:26.159 --> 01:50:27.460
don't feel like it right now. I could. Don't

01:50:27.460 --> 01:50:29.279
want to. Completely randomly. Two times in my

01:50:29.279 --> 01:50:30.979
life I sat next to him on a plane. Just totally

01:50:30.979 --> 01:50:32.600
random. Remember the Vancouver ransom at the

01:50:32.600 --> 01:50:34.760
airport? Yep. Once in Vancouver and once somewhere

01:50:34.760 --> 01:50:37.619
else. And the last one, he was talking about,

01:50:37.659 --> 01:50:39.539
yeah, I quit smoking. He was telling me how he

01:50:39.539 --> 01:50:41.460
quit smoking. Yeah, it was hard. It was really

01:50:41.460 --> 01:50:43.260
hard to quit. And I did it. And, you know, fucking

01:50:43.260 --> 01:50:46.119
smoke, it's terrible for you. So we land. He

01:50:46.119 --> 01:50:49.899
walks as fast as he can off the plane. Damn.

01:50:49.899 --> 01:50:51.039
He's right into one of those stores and buys

01:50:51.039 --> 01:50:53.380
a pack of cigarettes. And he's opening up it

01:50:53.380 --> 01:50:56.340
and he's got one in his mouth as he's out the

01:50:56.340 --> 01:50:58.600
door. He went on for an hour about how it's terrible

01:50:58.600 --> 01:51:01.039
for you. He's so glad he's out over it. So I'm

01:51:01.039 --> 01:51:02.340
outside with him. I go, what are you doing? I

01:51:02.340 --> 01:51:03.539
thought you quit smoking. He goes, yeah, but

01:51:03.539 --> 01:51:05.279
all that fucking talking about it. I wanted a

01:51:05.279 --> 01:51:07.579
cigarette. So was he being funny or was he just

01:51:07.579 --> 01:51:10.039
a weirdo? No, no, no. He was just a genius. Didn't

01:51:10.039 --> 01:51:12.199
drive, right? Didn't he not drive? Just invited

01:51:12.199 --> 01:51:13.840
people to go do tennis and stuff. So he'd be

01:51:13.840 --> 01:51:16.119
like, pick me up on the way. His brain was just

01:51:16.119 --> 01:51:18.680
wired different. Yeah. It was just wired different.

01:51:19.119 --> 01:51:22.000
time but like he just decided wow let's smoke

01:51:22.000 --> 01:51:24.819
and just yeah i mean he couldn't light it quick

01:51:24.819 --> 01:51:27.619
enough on the way out the door well it was i'm

01:51:27.619 --> 01:51:31.199
gonna go smoke a cigarette talking about cigarettes

01:51:31.199 --> 01:51:33.500
you gotta piss no i was talking about cigarettes

01:51:33.500 --> 01:51:37.819
i gotta piss Go outside. I was going to warn

01:51:37.819 --> 01:51:40.500
you about that. No one's peed in this room. Please

01:51:40.500 --> 01:51:42.640
don't. I have. I already have. Not in this one.

01:51:42.800 --> 01:51:44.939
Yes, I have. This one? Look at that bucket right

01:51:44.939 --> 01:51:47.399
there. There's a bucket. You need to have an

01:51:47.399 --> 01:51:49.279
Irish Memorial bucket. Sorry, you can piss in

01:51:49.279 --> 01:51:50.819
that ice bucket. Dude, I had a good one. Why

01:51:50.819 --> 01:51:52.520
are you peeing in the other one? We all went

01:51:52.520 --> 01:51:55.579
to a Halloween parade dressed as Batman. Me,

01:51:55.640 --> 01:51:57.939
Sal, Christy, DeRosa, everybody. This is a gay

01:51:57.939 --> 01:51:59.539
story. I'll be right back. I had to pee so fucking

01:51:59.539 --> 01:52:01.060
bad. There's nowhere to go. You're in a fucking...

01:52:01.060 --> 01:52:04.880
Hey! Hey! You're in a parade. Go left. And I

01:52:04.880 --> 01:52:07.239
just used the Batman cape, found a cup on the

01:52:07.239 --> 01:52:09.640
floor, and just pissed into it. I saw the video.

01:52:09.699 --> 01:52:14.180
I liked it. I liked it on Instagram. I was like,

01:52:14.319 --> 01:52:17.420
oh. You gotta make it happen. You gotta make

01:52:17.420 --> 01:52:19.920
it happen. Yeah. I used to have these kombucha

01:52:19.920 --> 01:52:21.710
bottles. You would fill a kombucha. bottle and

01:52:21.710 --> 01:52:24.510
then he's like fuck i can't hold it like he's

01:52:24.510 --> 01:52:26.829
gonna completely get so we had to run and get

01:52:26.829 --> 01:52:29.470
him a second bottle second bottle yeah damn run

01:52:29.470 --> 01:52:31.550
out of the studio get him a second bottle and

01:52:31.550 --> 01:52:34.949
come in and i take his warm bottle of piss and

01:52:34.949 --> 01:52:36.810
screw the cap onto it because you're a friend

01:52:36.810 --> 01:52:38.670
joe i'm a friend and who would drink i'm not

01:52:38.670 --> 01:52:41.409
scared to pee either i know what it is it's not

01:52:41.409 --> 01:52:44.210
that different from piss look at you that's how

01:52:44.210 --> 01:52:47.920
batman pissed Hey, boy, you guys look good. We

01:52:47.920 --> 01:52:50.819
had a 16 -person Batman group. How shit -faced

01:52:50.819 --> 01:52:52.939
are you? So shit. Those are the tool belts. We're

01:52:52.939 --> 01:52:54.520
working tool belts. We put shot glasses in them.

01:52:54.579 --> 01:52:57.859
Look at Joe. Man, Joe's off -putting. He looks

01:52:57.859 --> 01:53:01.420
so hammered. DeRosa's trashed. Look how much

01:53:01.420 --> 01:53:02.460
I filled it up. Is that your piss? That's my

01:53:02.460 --> 01:53:04.630
piss. Wow. Now, how do you get rid of it? Uh,

01:53:04.829 --> 01:53:06.569
it's showing right here. I just found a fucking

01:53:06.569 --> 01:53:08.029
sewer grate. Oh, that's Sixth Avenue. I know

01:53:08.029 --> 01:53:10.270
that area. That's Sixth Avenue, yeah. So, kids.

01:53:10.289 --> 01:53:13.869
That's everywhere. Yeah. You're just hanging

01:53:13.869 --> 01:53:17.930
around with that jug of piss. There's a COVID

01:53:17.930 --> 01:53:20.289
resource link? Look at that comment. It says,

01:53:20.310 --> 01:53:23.550
why is there a COVID resource link on this video?

01:53:23.909 --> 01:53:26.010
LOL, it's a guy peeing in his car. Did they have

01:53:26.010 --> 01:53:29.670
it? Somebody said this is his vaccine. No. Something

01:53:29.670 --> 01:53:31.729
like that. Something that small. Really? Yeah.

01:53:32.109 --> 01:53:34.890
Is there really a COVID? Oh, my God. Look at

01:53:34.890 --> 01:53:37.229
that. Visit the COVID -19 Information Center.

01:53:37.390 --> 01:53:39.689
Oh, my God. That's insane. They got to get their

01:53:39.689 --> 01:53:42.750
word out. So it must be an algorithm. That's

01:53:42.750 --> 01:53:44.090
it. That's it. That's it. I hope they're vaccinated.

01:53:44.350 --> 01:53:45.829
It's about the kids I was paying in front of.

01:53:45.930 --> 01:53:47.470
Oh, my God. Why do they do that? They always

01:53:47.470 --> 01:53:49.970
put a COVID warning on the Instagram videos.

01:53:50.050 --> 01:53:52.869
This might be misinformation. Because Christie

01:53:52.869 --> 01:53:55.010
is fucking making a joke. Yeah, let me make a

01:53:55.010 --> 01:53:56.529
joke. Stop putting a warning. I hope they're

01:53:56.529 --> 01:53:57.989
vaccinated. It's like, oh, that's misinformation.

01:53:58.550 --> 01:54:00.670
Isn't that crazy? Do you know the UK is about

01:54:00.670 --> 01:54:03.979
to, well, they're trying to pass a law. I think

01:54:03.979 --> 01:54:06.899
it's like the online safety bill. What is that?

01:54:07.180 --> 01:54:09.979
I'll Google it here. It's what they're essentially

01:54:09.979 --> 01:54:11.720
they're trying to do is they're trying to pass

01:54:11.720 --> 01:54:16.100
a law where they can put you in jail for it says

01:54:16.100 --> 01:54:18.600
trolls. Is this Australia? If you cause psychological

01:54:18.600 --> 01:54:22.060
harm. All I do is troll. Exactly. I can never

01:54:22.060 --> 01:54:24.020
move to the volcano. Here's the thing. It's so

01:54:24.020 --> 01:54:27.439
subjective. Like what is psychological harm?

01:54:27.600 --> 01:54:30.199
Now, I don't think this is passed yet. And maybe

01:54:30.199 --> 01:54:33.710
people are realizing that. But jail time for

01:54:33.710 --> 01:54:36.750
trolls. Trolling's fun. But they're calling emotional,

01:54:37.010 --> 01:54:39.970
psychological, obviously physical harm is actually

01:54:39.970 --> 01:54:41.890
a problem. Sure. But I don't know how you do

01:54:41.890 --> 01:54:44.449
that online anyway. You could say you could make

01:54:44.449 --> 01:54:46.210
a person do something physical to themselves,

01:54:46.470 --> 01:54:48.550
which people have already been convicted of,

01:54:48.590 --> 01:54:51.010
like cyberbullying through text messages and

01:54:51.010 --> 01:54:53.329
stuff, telling people to kill themselves. People

01:54:53.329 --> 01:54:55.600
have already gotten in trouble for that. This

01:54:55.600 --> 01:54:58.260
is weird. It says threat. The problem is it's

01:54:58.260 --> 01:55:00.319
like super subjective. The way they're leaving

01:55:00.319 --> 01:55:03.319
it right now. Here's one. Knowingly false communications.

01:55:03.899 --> 01:55:06.340
Okay, so imagine. But your tongue in cheek. But

01:55:06.340 --> 01:55:07.899
hold on. Sorry, go ahead. Imagine if this was

01:55:07.899 --> 01:55:09.560
10 months ago when you weren't allowed to bring

01:55:09.560 --> 01:55:12.000
up the lab leak theory for COVID. And so you

01:55:12.000 --> 01:55:13.920
wrote it, the lab leak theory is real. And then

01:55:13.920 --> 01:55:16.560
they put you in fucking jail. And then they find

01:55:16.560 --> 01:55:18.439
out when you're doing two years in jail that

01:55:18.439 --> 01:55:20.600
actually Fauci lied. It might have come out of

01:55:20.600 --> 01:55:21.899
a fucking lab. To get out of there? Yeah, it'd

01:55:21.899 --> 01:55:24.020
almost be like saying the Earth was round. Remember

01:55:24.020 --> 01:55:25.460
those people? Yeah. Remember those people who

01:55:25.460 --> 01:55:27.979
sued us back then? Like Galileo, all the shit

01:55:27.979 --> 01:55:29.420
that he had to do. Yeah, that's how this works.

01:55:29.479 --> 01:55:30.479
The Earth's the center of the universe. Don't

01:55:30.479 --> 01:55:31.899
kill me. We're ruled by dorks. We're ruled by

01:55:31.899 --> 01:55:34.939
dorks. They don't like internet comments. We're

01:55:34.939 --> 01:55:36.539
bending over backwards for the retards in our

01:55:36.539 --> 01:55:38.500
society. Michael Malice is fucked. Hey, that's

01:55:38.500 --> 01:55:40.970
bad, but this is way worse. Sorry, buddy. is

01:55:40.970 --> 01:55:43.890
the potential for the government to step in and

01:55:43.890 --> 01:55:45.789
say that what you're doing is causing people

01:55:45.789 --> 01:55:47.850
harm so they can just lock you up and put you

01:55:47.850 --> 01:55:50.470
in jail. So you're making fun of Joe Biden and

01:55:50.470 --> 01:55:52.050
you're making fun of Joe Biden and people say

01:55:52.050 --> 01:55:54.210
that, well, this causes harm to elderly people

01:55:54.210 --> 01:55:55.770
because you're talking about old guys shitting

01:55:55.770 --> 01:55:58.369
his pants and forgetting where he lives. If we

01:55:58.369 --> 01:56:01.390
get to that point where anything people say that's

01:56:01.390 --> 01:56:04.029
remotely offensive or most of what's on Reddit

01:56:04.029 --> 01:56:07.970
or 4chan, it's all fun. They're saying mean shit

01:56:07.970 --> 01:56:10.890
and they're doing it to make each other laugh.

01:56:10.930 --> 01:56:11.829
First of all, you're going to lose Scotland.

01:56:12.069 --> 01:56:14.010
Keep doing this. Scotland's gone. Because they

01:56:14.010 --> 01:56:15.449
do a lot of that, right? Yeah, Scotland's like,

01:56:15.510 --> 01:56:16.970
we already won out. This is fucking ridiculous.

01:56:17.170 --> 01:56:19.359
Yeah, that guy count Dankula. Right, exactly.

01:56:19.359 --> 01:56:21.359
I had him on Archibald Skeptic Tech. We had a

01:56:21.359 --> 01:56:22.619
whole thing where he just taught his dog how

01:56:22.619 --> 01:56:24.300
to do the highlight or to fuck with his girlfriend.

01:56:24.779 --> 01:56:26.680
It's not hard. You were grabbing the back of

01:56:26.680 --> 01:56:28.279
the dog's elbow and you could make him do the

01:56:28.279 --> 01:56:29.380
highlight. Over and over again. You trained him.

01:56:29.399 --> 01:56:31.699
Smart dog. Really? Yeah. And then they said,

01:56:31.739 --> 01:56:33.439
like, you owe us fines. They were like, put you

01:56:33.439 --> 01:56:36.619
in jail. I'll try it. Because they're like, it's

01:56:36.619 --> 01:56:38.539
harm. Yeah, yeah, it's great. But your dog was

01:56:38.539 --> 01:56:40.140
never laying on its back. He pulled the back

01:56:40.140 --> 01:56:42.380
of its elbow up to get my highlight. Yeah, they

01:56:42.380 --> 01:56:44.000
go like this. They go from here to like, whoa.

01:56:44.000 --> 01:56:46.960
Their wrist has to extend. So, you know, you

01:56:46.960 --> 01:56:48.720
get a nice golden retriever or something, the

01:56:48.720 --> 01:56:50.739
whitest dog. Get a German shepherd. That's what

01:56:50.739 --> 01:56:53.760
I have. You're one of the whiter guys I know.

01:56:53.800 --> 01:56:55.739
He's the sweetest. They're the best dogs ever.

01:56:55.899 --> 01:56:58.260
But yeah, he got arrested. They were cuffing

01:56:58.260 --> 01:57:00.460
him. They cuffed him. He's leaving his house

01:57:00.460 --> 01:57:03.460
in cuffs after he made his dog. No, no, no. He

01:57:03.460 --> 01:57:05.720
made his pug. Count Dangula. He made his pug

01:57:05.720 --> 01:57:08.399
do the Hitler. That's a fun, hilarious joke.

01:57:08.720 --> 01:57:12.100
Listen, he's not saying that Hitler was right.

01:57:12.220 --> 01:57:15.100
He's not saying kill the Jews. He's doing a gag.

01:57:15.239 --> 01:57:17.300
He had some good points. What if he made his

01:57:17.300 --> 01:57:19.699
dog do something that made it look like Genghis

01:57:19.699 --> 01:57:21.699
Khan? Would that be okay? That'd be fine. Genghis

01:57:21.699 --> 01:57:23.140
Khan's fine. He killed 50 million fucking people.

01:57:23.140 --> 01:57:27.340
Genghis Khan's fine. It's crazy. Stalin's fine.

01:57:27.979 --> 01:57:29.760
Stalin's fine. Yeah, that's right. Isn't that

01:57:29.760 --> 01:57:34.560
wild? How's that? There's a quote, kill a million

01:57:34.560 --> 01:57:36.819
people and it's Stalin. Kill a million people

01:57:36.819 --> 01:57:39.140
and it's a story. Kill one person, it's a tragedy.

01:57:40.619 --> 01:57:42.659
That's good. Statistic. He does it the other

01:57:42.659 --> 01:57:44.449
way around, though. He does it the other way

01:57:44.449 --> 01:57:46.189
around. What is it? It says kill one person is

01:57:46.189 --> 01:57:48.289
a tragedy. Kill a million people. It's a statistic.

01:57:48.289 --> 01:57:50.289
It's a statistic. Yeah. That makes sense. And

01:57:50.289 --> 01:57:51.989
it's true. It's something about big numbers that

01:57:51.989 --> 01:57:55.229
weird us out and we lose connection. When you

01:57:55.229 --> 01:57:57.310
think about how big the universe is, your brain

01:57:57.310 --> 01:57:59.989
just goes, I'm out. You know what I did with

01:57:59.989 --> 01:58:02.890
the big numbers? That book? That Bloodlands book?

01:58:03.229 --> 01:58:04.350
I'm scared to read that book, dude. Bloodlands.

01:58:04.489 --> 01:58:06.449
What's that? Bloodlands. It's just a book about

01:58:06.449 --> 01:58:08.489
what happened between the Soviets and the Nazis.

01:58:10.620 --> 01:58:15.020
In like Ukraine and Poland and Belarus and all

01:58:15.020 --> 01:58:16.779
that. But they give you statistics the whole

01:58:16.779 --> 01:58:19.260
time. And every time it's like you got to just

01:58:19.260 --> 01:58:22.239
visualize like a stadium. Because I know how

01:58:22.239 --> 01:58:25.659
much a college football stadium is. You know

01:58:25.659 --> 01:58:27.979
what I mean? 50 ,000, 80 ,000. Yeah, you go in,

01:58:28.020 --> 01:58:30.640
you see 80 ,000 people. And then you imagine

01:58:30.640 --> 01:58:36.260
like today we got killed. You know? Yeah. That's...

01:58:36.520 --> 01:58:40.119
That's how many people can visualize humans in

01:58:40.119 --> 01:58:44.000
college football. That helps. Jesus Christ. Speaking

01:58:44.000 --> 01:58:45.659
of stadiums, I'll be at the Wilbur Theater December

01:58:45.659 --> 01:58:47.800
9th. I don't know if that's the stadium. The

01:58:47.800 --> 01:58:50.119
Wilbur in Boston? The Wilbur? That's a great

01:58:50.119 --> 01:58:53.119
room. I did my last special there. I fucking

01:58:53.119 --> 01:58:54.600
loved it. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did Strange

01:58:54.600 --> 01:58:57.420
Times there. I love it there. Well, local boy

01:58:57.420 --> 01:58:58.920
makes good. You know that shit. Oh, yeah, yeah,

01:58:59.020 --> 01:59:01.880
yeah. Remember they wanted you to go to Alaska?

01:59:02.859 --> 01:59:04.079
And you're like, Ari, they want me to go to Alaska.

01:59:04.319 --> 01:59:05.579
Should I do that? Should I do a special? And

01:59:05.579 --> 01:59:06.479
I'm like, what's the other option? You're like,

01:59:06.619 --> 01:59:08.140
the best club in the country. And you're like,

01:59:08.239 --> 01:59:10.079
what are we talking about? And you're like, yeah,

01:59:10.140 --> 01:59:11.600
I'm going to Denver. And then Comedy Central

01:59:11.600 --> 01:59:12.960
called me, and your manager's like, thanks for

01:59:12.960 --> 01:59:14.779
ruining our vacation, Ari. Yeah, they all want

01:59:14.779 --> 01:59:16.899
to go to Alaska. The idea was we were going to

01:59:16.899 --> 01:59:19.619
film it in Alaska, because I want to go somewhere

01:59:19.619 --> 01:59:21.239
where I never go. I only went once there with

01:59:21.239 --> 01:59:23.479
Ari. We went fishing. It was a lot of fun. And

01:59:23.479 --> 01:59:26.859
we went on this, was it the Bear something? Bear

01:59:26.859 --> 01:59:29.260
Theater? What? Bear Claw? It's all bear over

01:59:29.260 --> 01:59:31.890
there. Yeah, it was fucking Anchorage. Anchorage

01:59:31.890 --> 01:59:34.949
is surprisingly interesting. It's like a bunch

01:59:34.949 --> 01:59:37.390
of really cool people. They're more resilient

01:59:37.390 --> 01:59:40.050
because they have to deal with ridiculous weather.

01:59:40.310 --> 01:59:42.449
Bears. They're all runaways too. They run away

01:59:42.449 --> 01:59:44.210
from the law and move up there. The women are.

01:59:44.229 --> 01:59:46.649
The children are that. Horrific. Not all of them,

01:59:46.710 --> 01:59:48.529
man. There's some hot broads there. And they're

01:59:48.529 --> 01:59:51.359
like hardy. That's us. Oh, wow. When was that?

01:59:51.539 --> 01:59:53.359
That's you and me, buddy. Wait, which one's which?

01:59:53.539 --> 01:59:57.159
What year is that? It's 435 weeks ago. Who's

01:59:57.159 --> 02:00:01.260
Ari? It's 435 weeks ago. Holy shit, dude. That

02:00:01.260 --> 02:00:04.880
was you? 2013, buddy. Damn, you look like hell.

02:00:05.180 --> 02:00:08.939
What happened, man? Damn. Look how young you

02:00:08.939 --> 02:00:11.079
were. Well, he was young. You looked 14. It was

02:00:11.079 --> 02:00:15.539
39. It was 39. 39, 38, something like that. Yeah,

02:00:15.600 --> 02:00:17.079
there was... a long fucking time ago. Oh yeah,

02:00:17.220 --> 02:00:18.899
we had caught this crazy king sand. We saw a

02:00:18.899 --> 02:00:21.359
fucking moose. We saw a moose, yeah. We saw a

02:00:21.359 --> 02:00:23.500
lot of mosquitoes. Oh my God, you've never seen

02:00:23.500 --> 02:00:25.199
anything like it. I don't want to go there for

02:00:25.199 --> 02:00:27.119
the mosquitoes. You couldn't breathe. We rented

02:00:27.119 --> 02:00:29.100
a car and we figured we'll get out of the car

02:00:29.100 --> 02:00:31.239
and spray ourselves down with the mosquito repellent.

02:00:31.910 --> 02:00:33.890
Bullshit. We fucking opened the car door and

02:00:33.890 --> 02:00:35.510
there was like a hundred mosquitoes inside the

02:00:35.510 --> 02:00:37.630
car. I'm not going there. I'm not going. It was

02:00:37.630 --> 02:00:39.109
nuts. I'm not going. What about the sunlight?

02:00:39.350 --> 02:00:40.949
Does that go? When we were there, it never got

02:00:40.949 --> 02:00:42.949
dark. Yeah. Whoa. It was one of those. That's

02:00:42.949 --> 02:00:44.810
weird. It was so cool. It was three in the morning.

02:00:44.829 --> 02:00:46.970
We were outside. It was like four in the afternoon.

02:00:47.149 --> 02:00:49.189
Did it fuck up your circadian? We were there

02:00:49.189 --> 02:00:50.550
for two days. We were there for two days. I remember

02:00:50.550 --> 02:00:51.430
we were like - We were drunk the entire time.

02:00:51.449 --> 02:00:52.569
After the first day, we were like, let's go to

02:00:52.569 --> 02:00:53.810
sleep. I'm like, should we walk around a little?

02:00:53.930 --> 02:00:55.869
He's like, yeah, you're right. It's fucking midnight

02:00:55.869 --> 02:00:57.909
and bright light out. We just walked around.

02:00:58.130 --> 02:00:59.710
Yeah, you can drink your way out of mosquitoes.

02:01:00.310 --> 02:01:02.289
I don't know. Yeah, yeah. So you don't feel it.

02:01:02.949 --> 02:01:04.529
They're going to drunk up this. It's an interesting

02:01:04.529 --> 02:01:06.689
attitude those people have. They're like different

02:01:06.689 --> 02:01:08.829
humans. Yeah. Because they're Americans, but

02:01:08.829 --> 02:01:11.470
they're not. They live on an outpost. They're

02:01:11.470 --> 02:01:14.050
like cool people. They have the same culture,

02:01:14.069 --> 02:01:16.090
essentially, but they're way more resilient.

02:01:16.430 --> 02:01:19.210
They got Mongol blood. Right. They're just heartier.

02:01:19.289 --> 02:01:20.949
And the people that move there are the people

02:01:20.949 --> 02:01:23.270
that cherish those kind of communities, where

02:01:23.270 --> 02:01:25.750
people are just, they know how to fucking start

02:01:25.750 --> 02:01:28.649
fires in the rain. Ari's going out to piss. Is

02:01:28.649 --> 02:01:30.470
that how you do it? You don't say anything? Yeah,

02:01:30.470 --> 02:01:33.909
he does. Otherwise, he pisses in here. I'm happy

02:01:33.909 --> 02:01:36.069
he's outside. I can't believe he's already pissed

02:01:36.069 --> 02:01:37.789
in this room. I thought I was going to preserve

02:01:37.789 --> 02:01:39.390
it. I was thinking that today. I was like, I

02:01:39.390 --> 02:01:42.229
should tell him, don't pee in the room. He pees

02:01:42.229 --> 02:01:44.590
everywhere. He is a motherfucker, dude. He'll

02:01:44.590 --> 02:01:46.829
pee in church. He's like the opposite of Ellen,

02:01:46.909 --> 02:01:49.520
though. Ellen, everybody thought was a sweetheart.

02:01:49.640 --> 02:01:51.180
She ended up being a nightmare. Everybody thinks

02:01:51.180 --> 02:01:53.779
Ari's a fucking nightmare. Great guy. He's behind

02:01:53.779 --> 02:01:55.779
the scenes a little sweetheart. I've been friends

02:01:55.779 --> 02:01:57.800
with Ari since he was an open miker working as

02:01:57.800 --> 02:01:59.899
a door guy. He still hasn't gotten better at

02:01:59.899 --> 02:02:03.779
comedy, but... How has he not gotten better?

02:02:05.119 --> 02:02:08.479
He went a little trump there. How is he... Honestly,

02:02:09.819 --> 02:02:12.489
this guy... I can't do it with the headphones.

02:02:12.670 --> 02:02:14.189
You can do it. You got it. Take the headphones

02:02:14.189 --> 02:02:17.170
off and do it. You had it. Ari Shaffir, what

02:02:17.170 --> 02:02:22.369
a loser this guy is. Yes. He's 68. He's 70 years

02:02:22.369 --> 02:02:24.630
old, this guy. They tell me how old he is. He

02:02:24.630 --> 02:02:27.329
can't be this old. He is this old. That's amazing.

02:02:27.390 --> 02:02:29.649
That's great. That's amazing. That's amazing.

02:02:29.829 --> 02:02:31.710
That's very good. We got to get you and Dunnigan,

02:02:31.890 --> 02:02:35.010
him doing Biden, you doing Trump together. Dunnigan's

02:02:35.010 --> 02:02:37.909
Biden is impeccable, but his Trump is cartoonish.

02:02:38.369 --> 02:02:40.489
That's like an accurate Trump. That's dead on.

02:02:41.340 --> 02:02:43.899
Who is the best Trump impersonator in the country?

02:02:44.039 --> 02:02:45.460
There's got to be a guy who's got it nailed.

02:02:45.460 --> 02:02:47.659
What about James Adomian? I think I heard his.

02:02:47.659 --> 02:02:49.739
He's good. He's got it? He's really good at impressions.

02:02:49.899 --> 02:02:52.039
I like Alec Baldwin. Oh, you know what? Alec

02:02:52.039 --> 02:02:54.239
Baldwin was okay. He was okay until he shot my

02:02:54.239 --> 02:02:56.680
aunt. What the heck did he do? He shot a lady

02:02:56.680 --> 02:03:02.050
on accident. That damn armorer. Wow. Yeah. Bad

02:03:02.050 --> 02:03:05.210
stuff all around. I'm a firearm enthusiast. I

02:03:05.210 --> 02:03:08.210
know a lot about fire. I don't know a lot compared

02:03:08.210 --> 02:03:10.189
to gun nuts, but compared to regular people,

02:03:10.310 --> 02:03:11.989
I know a lot. You never point a gun at somebody.

02:03:12.369 --> 02:03:13.810
That's the number one rule, right? You don't

02:03:13.810 --> 02:03:16.310
even point. If you have a gun, if you're on a

02:03:16.310 --> 02:03:21.850
set, if somebody... What was that? What was that

02:03:21.850 --> 02:03:23.270
again? I don't know. I thought somebody else

02:03:23.270 --> 02:03:25.399
did it. I was looking up something. What was

02:03:25.399 --> 02:03:29.819
it? Just cheering. Somebody else was imitating

02:03:29.819 --> 02:03:32.899
crowd cheering. Oh, the other Trump. I want to

02:03:32.899 --> 02:03:37.159
see that. You don't point the gun. You always

02:03:37.159 --> 02:03:39.779
look at it. If someone gives you a gun, you always

02:03:39.779 --> 02:03:42.840
open up the chamber. You look at it. You always

02:03:42.840 --> 02:03:44.739
point it down on the ground. You never point

02:03:44.739 --> 02:03:48.399
it towards a person. I don't even think a live

02:03:48.399 --> 02:03:50.220
round is even ever supposed to be on the set.

02:03:50.770 --> 02:03:55.590
There should have been many steps in play that

02:03:55.590 --> 02:03:59.569
prevented that from happening. Apparently she

02:03:59.569 --> 02:04:01.489
hated Hillary, that lady. Did you see that whole

02:04:01.489 --> 02:04:03.930
conspiracy thing? No, seriously. She hated Hillary.

02:04:03.970 --> 02:04:05.430
Pull it up. Oh, you think it was the Hillary

02:04:05.430 --> 02:04:07.170
Clinton body count? Yeah, and she knew all this

02:04:07.170 --> 02:04:08.710
shit about Hillary, and they're like, oh, she's

02:04:08.710 --> 02:04:10.590
going to come out with it, and then they shot

02:04:10.590 --> 02:04:11.069
her. Apparently it was the Clinton body count.

02:04:11.149 --> 02:04:13.850
They killed Nipsey, dude. Oh, really? Nipsey

02:04:13.850 --> 02:04:15.720
Hussle. They killed him. You think he killed

02:04:15.720 --> 02:04:18.479
Nipsey Hussle? And Ralphie Mae. Google it. And

02:04:18.479 --> 02:04:20.420
Ralphie Mae. By the way, dude, that was your

02:04:20.420 --> 02:04:23.420
metric for I'm not that fat, I'm not Ralphie

02:04:23.420 --> 02:04:26.140
Mae. That's a good point. I went and took a piss

02:04:26.140 --> 02:04:28.899
and thought about it. That's a good point. You

02:04:28.899 --> 02:04:32.079
can't come against me. I was on your side. That

02:04:32.079 --> 02:04:33.560
guy's always turning. There's only one burger

02:04:33.560 --> 02:04:36.180
left. No, you're not fat. You're overweight.

02:04:36.739 --> 02:04:40.560
You're overweight. Person of size. Yeah, I'm

02:04:40.560 --> 02:04:42.920
obese. Yeah, he's obese. He's got to be obese,

02:04:42.960 --> 02:04:46.460
too. With his height. 100%. BMI, not good. 6

02:04:46.460 --> 02:04:49.319
'3"? I'd have to be like 190 to not be obese.

02:04:49.500 --> 02:04:52.739
No, not be overweight, 190. Obesity is like 225.

02:04:52.800 --> 02:04:56.359
So how do you figure in like thick people? First

02:04:56.359 --> 02:04:59.560
of all, 98 % of people go like, oh, I work out.

02:04:59.600 --> 02:05:01.430
Don't work out. That's not the issue. You're

02:05:01.430 --> 02:05:03.569
the outlier. But how about a person who's born

02:05:03.569 --> 02:05:07.449
that way, like a Samoan man? Samoan man with

02:05:07.449 --> 02:05:11.069
their fucking wide shoulders, wide bones. Those

02:05:11.069 --> 02:05:13.329
dudes are heavy as fuck just from just living.

02:05:13.529 --> 02:05:16.010
Yeah, but your stomach is not wide -boned. My

02:05:16.010 --> 02:05:18.430
stomach's not that wide. How much of your stomach

02:05:18.430 --> 02:05:19.989
is your weight? Let's see it. What do you weigh

02:05:19.989 --> 02:05:22.869
right now? Let's see it. Shut up, Tubby. Here's

02:05:22.869 --> 02:05:26.539
BMA. Holy, that's a lot of numbers. I think I

02:05:26.539 --> 02:05:30.319
have to weigh 160 pounds. 169? This is girls.

02:05:30.600 --> 02:05:33.060
Yeah, I'm obese. Damn it. What's the girls chart?

02:05:33.300 --> 02:05:37.380
What is the girls chart? What? No, 6 '3", 169

02:05:37.380 --> 02:05:40.640
is not obese. The chart is nuts. No, no, this

02:05:40.640 --> 02:05:43.539
is not right. It doesn't factor in muscle at

02:05:43.539 --> 02:05:46.260
all. What are the colors? What matters is your

02:05:46.260 --> 02:05:48.840
fucking body fat. The percentage of your body

02:05:48.840 --> 02:05:51.800
fat shows if you're obese. This one's way wrong,

02:05:51.920 --> 02:05:55.340
dude. 6 '3", 169 is not underweight. That's not

02:05:55.340 --> 02:05:58.140
obese. This is like from the 50s. You got a bad

02:05:58.140 --> 02:06:01.359
one. That might be a girl one. An average woman

02:06:01.359 --> 02:06:05.220
from 2021 is heavier than an average man from

02:06:05.220 --> 02:06:07.760
1970? I heard that, yeah. No, that's not true.

02:06:08.039 --> 02:06:09.960
I heard that. I think I made that up. I think

02:06:09.960 --> 02:06:13.100
I made up. It's definitely worse. There's something

02:06:13.100 --> 02:06:16.500
like that. I might have fucked that up. Can you

02:06:16.500 --> 02:06:21.050
Google that? The average woman from 2021 is as

02:06:21.050 --> 02:06:24.170
heavy as the average man from 1960 or 70. It's

02:06:24.170 --> 02:06:26.109
got to be true. It's true. The people that have

02:06:26.109 --> 02:06:28.189
extra money for fucking extra food. I feel like

02:06:28.189 --> 02:06:30.369
I fucked something. I feel like there's a caveat

02:06:30.369 --> 02:06:32.189
there that I'm missing. McDonald's used to be

02:06:32.189 --> 02:06:34.609
a treat. Now it's every day. It probably was

02:06:34.609 --> 02:06:35.949
different then, too. It was different then. Yeah,

02:06:35.989 --> 02:06:37.630
that's true. Probably didn't have GMO bread.

02:06:37.750 --> 02:06:39.989
All right. Well, look. Sorry our empire succeeded

02:06:39.989 --> 02:06:42.109
so much that we're fat. No, we're doing great.

02:06:42.109 --> 02:06:43.789
It's a good sign. This is good. It is a good

02:06:43.789 --> 02:06:45.729
sign. Well, fat and our dicks are shrinking.

02:06:46.380 --> 02:06:48.180
That's true. That's all right. Fetus sizes are

02:06:48.180 --> 02:06:50.359
going down. Fetus sizes are going down? I've

02:06:50.359 --> 02:06:52.220
been doing a lot of research. What? It's real,

02:06:52.319 --> 02:06:54.199
yeah. Yeah, gooch drinks. Dr. Shanna Swan. What,

02:06:54.239 --> 02:06:57.520
black abuse? No, it's plastics. Use of petrochemical

02:06:57.520 --> 02:07:00.460
plastics has polluted people's bodies. So are

02:07:00.460 --> 02:07:02.619
you off water bottles? Yeah, that's what we started.

02:07:02.800 --> 02:07:05.039
Well, also for recycling. Yeah, it's way better

02:07:05.039 --> 02:07:06.560
for the environment. Started doing metal. Wait,

02:07:06.560 --> 02:07:08.640
did you do the recycling stuff before you realized

02:07:08.640 --> 02:07:11.779
your gooch would shrink? Yeah, way before. I

02:07:11.779 --> 02:07:13.560
realized the gooch is shrinking pretty recently.

02:07:13.819 --> 02:07:15.960
We got a lady on here that freaked me out. Well,

02:07:15.979 --> 02:07:18.220
it's your taint that shrinks. What? It's not

02:07:18.220 --> 02:07:20.439
like in Next Generation, it's like your current

02:07:20.439 --> 02:07:23.560
dick gets smaller? It's the children of parents

02:07:23.560 --> 02:07:26.600
who are, the parents get these phthalates in

02:07:26.600 --> 02:07:28.619
their body and the woman has the phthalates in

02:07:28.619 --> 02:07:30.880
their body while the child is inside of her and

02:07:30.880 --> 02:07:34.640
then the kids are showing developmental issues

02:07:34.640 --> 02:07:37.060
in terms of like their hormones and sexuality.

02:07:37.460 --> 02:07:39.659
Like they're, not sexuality, but. their sexual

02:07:39.659 --> 02:07:42.479
organs. They're saying that sperm counts have

02:07:42.479 --> 02:07:45.840
radically decreased, miscarriages have increased,

02:07:46.079 --> 02:07:50.260
and the size of men's taints has shrunk. Taints?

02:07:50.520 --> 02:07:53.279
Yeah. A taint, apparently, according to this

02:07:53.279 --> 02:07:55.640
woman, Dr. Shanna Swan, is the best indication

02:07:55.640 --> 02:07:57.960
in mammals of whether or not it's a male or female.

02:07:58.279 --> 02:07:59.399
Because you know, they're looking at it, what

02:07:59.399 --> 02:08:01.520
is that? You look at the size between the organ,

02:08:01.619 --> 02:08:03.979
the sex organ, and the asshole. In a male, it's

02:08:03.979 --> 02:08:07.260
always 50 to 100 % larger. Well, in male humans,

02:08:07.640 --> 02:08:09.779
it's getting... smaller. The same thing happens

02:08:09.779 --> 02:08:12.539
in animals. When they introduce phthalates, these

02:08:12.539 --> 02:08:17.149
plastics, they fuck with your development. And

02:08:17.149 --> 02:08:19.289
there's a lot of them, man. Wow. It's weird how

02:08:19.289 --> 02:08:21.250
little skin is between. You showing him your

02:08:21.250 --> 02:08:23.050
dick? What did you just do? He was pointing,

02:08:23.130 --> 02:08:24.590
but it was his middle finger. I didn't notice

02:08:24.590 --> 02:08:27.069
for like a while. It's weird how little skin

02:08:27.069 --> 02:08:29.550
is between a woman's vagina and butthole. Like

02:08:29.550 --> 02:08:31.810
if I was a lady, I'd be way self -conscious about

02:08:31.810 --> 02:08:34.189
that. Right. The woman's taint is much smaller

02:08:34.189 --> 02:08:36.310
than a male's taint. That's good. They get one

02:08:36.310 --> 02:08:38.649
hand in the both. Our taints are all, we're eventually

02:08:38.649 --> 02:08:39.890
going to be like a duck. We're going to have

02:08:39.890 --> 02:08:42.289
a cloaca. We're going to have one hole for everything.

02:08:42.569 --> 02:08:43.850
I'd love to have a fat fucking thick cloaca.

02:08:43.970 --> 02:08:49.569
That's it. All cloacas. Black chick. Who spit?

02:08:49.729 --> 02:08:53.390
Was it you or Dyke? You just have one giant pussy

02:08:53.390 --> 02:08:56.930
and asshole together. I think that's Bob Newhart.

02:09:04.850 --> 02:09:06.890
Dyson's a guy. There's a guy who's still doing

02:09:06.890 --> 02:09:08.670
it exactly the way he always did it. I love it.

02:09:08.670 --> 02:09:09.609
Love it, Dyson. You've got to see him right now.

02:09:09.890 --> 02:09:13.819
There is no consideration. at all for a changing

02:09:13.819 --> 02:09:18.659
of the times. His material is still dice clay.

02:09:18.840 --> 02:09:20.500
He's still doing that character. It's fucking

02:09:20.500 --> 02:09:22.159
hilarious. It makes it better. It's so much fun.

02:09:22.199 --> 02:09:24.300
When he comes to the stand and he performs there

02:09:24.300 --> 02:09:26.199
and you just, have you gone down there and watched

02:09:26.199 --> 02:09:28.899
it? No. Dude, he'll pull a chair up to the front

02:09:28.899 --> 02:09:31.119
row and be like, what are you looking at, bitch?

02:09:32.039 --> 02:09:34.340
I'm waiting in the front row. You're just like,

02:09:34.420 --> 02:09:37.000
holy shit, dude. Mean dice is my favorite dice.

02:09:37.000 --> 02:09:39.220
It makes it better. This is great. He used to

02:09:39.220 --> 02:09:41.399
go on when we were like, no crowd left. The Comedy

02:09:41.399 --> 02:09:43.699
Store just goes till zero people are there or

02:09:43.699 --> 02:09:46.020
2 a .m and there were two people in the audience

02:09:46.020 --> 02:09:48.119
and he's like he came in he's like y 'all go

02:09:48.119 --> 02:09:49.319
on i was like no there's only two people he's

02:09:49.319 --> 02:09:51.560
like i said i'll go on he just went on for like

02:09:51.560 --> 02:09:54.220
an hour never seen a guy less concerned with

02:09:54.220 --> 02:09:57.609
how he did on stage Really? Never. Him and Hicks.

02:09:57.989 --> 02:09:59.970
Hicks, in the early days, I saw him bomb once,

02:10:00.029 --> 02:10:01.909
and he didn't give a fuck, but never seen anything

02:10:01.909 --> 02:10:05.750
like Dice. Dice literally gives zero fucks when

02:10:05.750 --> 02:10:07.729
he's on stage. But is that good? I don't know.

02:10:07.729 --> 02:10:09.409
You want to get laughed, right? He does get laughed.

02:10:09.510 --> 02:10:11.750
He would do it for a meta thing. He would go

02:10:11.750 --> 02:10:13.149
to the comics. He would be like, come watch me.

02:10:13.350 --> 02:10:15.390
Let's see how long I can go before I even say

02:10:15.390 --> 02:10:17.930
anything that makes any sense. Yeah. Just to

02:10:17.930 --> 02:10:19.289
entertain the four or five people in the back.

02:10:19.329 --> 02:10:20.750
Right. He's like, yeah, I saw about the thing

02:10:20.750 --> 02:10:22.649
today, and the guy, you know, the guy is always.

02:10:23.640 --> 02:10:25.279
Coming up, and they're like, yeah, it's like,

02:10:25.319 --> 02:10:27.380
what are you going to do? But anyway, so this

02:10:27.380 --> 02:10:30.600
guy comes up, and you're like, what are you even

02:10:30.600 --> 02:10:33.359
saying? He just keeps it going. He went out to

02:10:33.359 --> 02:10:34.899
a thing where he wanted to go the longest he

02:10:34.899 --> 02:10:37.520
could without saying anything. Remember that?

02:10:37.859 --> 02:10:40.579
He wouldn't talk at all. He was like, eek, eek,

02:10:40.579 --> 02:10:44.600
eek. He moved around, and he just fucking sometimes

02:10:44.600 --> 02:10:46.960
would just stare at the people. No one knew what

02:10:46.960 --> 02:10:49.699
to do. He went for minutes. He's a great troll.

02:10:50.260 --> 02:10:53.220
Yes. It would lock him up in the UK for sure.

02:10:53.359 --> 02:10:55.840
For sure. Psychological harm. He had David Taylor

02:10:55.840 --> 02:10:57.359
open up for him because he was like, they won't

02:10:57.359 --> 02:11:01.460
like this. Anyway, he did whatever he did. He's

02:11:01.460 --> 02:11:02.859
like, all right, I'm done. But Dice just goes

02:11:02.859 --> 02:11:05.899
like this, just stretch. So he starts doing a

02:11:05.899 --> 02:11:07.960
Dice -like intro. He's like, this next guy is

02:11:07.960 --> 02:11:09.979
a wonderful comic. He's just like this. He goes,

02:11:10.039 --> 02:11:12.579
Shakespeare once said that Dice is like this.

02:11:12.819 --> 02:11:14.840
He just keeps going. People start booing David.

02:11:15.000 --> 02:11:16.699
They start booing him right now. They don't realize

02:11:16.699 --> 02:11:18.359
what's happening. He just goes like, uh -huh,

02:11:18.399 --> 02:11:20.859
uh -huh. Keep stretching. He just loved it. That's

02:11:20.859 --> 02:11:22.979
hilarious. He loved the mayhem. You ever had

02:11:22.979 --> 02:11:26.640
a bomb? What's the worst bomb? I bombed in Kalamazoo

02:11:26.640 --> 02:11:30.100
for 20 ,000 people. What? 20 minutes of silence.

02:11:30.159 --> 02:11:32.340
What? I could hear people like, what is this?

02:11:32.899 --> 02:11:37.920
Wow. 20 ,000 people? What? Seinfeld? No, Schumer

02:11:37.920 --> 02:11:41.779
gig years ago, Kalamazoo, brutal. Wait, Schumer's

02:11:41.779 --> 02:11:44.300
crowd didn't get you? Well, it was just, it was

02:11:44.300 --> 02:11:46.159
like, we started late, but you got to go on.

02:11:46.220 --> 02:11:49.279
They were half -seated. This guy's not, like,

02:11:49.300 --> 02:11:53.020
a slut. Yeah, there was a lot of that. I came

02:11:53.020 --> 02:11:55.420
here to talk about being a slut. They hated it.

02:11:57.319 --> 02:12:00.319
I'm wasted. I want you to do Trump talking to

02:12:00.319 --> 02:12:04.500
Amy. She's a fat pig. She's a disgusting. Oh,

02:12:04.500 --> 02:12:07.359
my God. Guys, that's how Trump would. That's

02:12:07.359 --> 02:12:08.560
how Trump would. That's not Shane. That's how

02:12:08.560 --> 02:12:10.479
Trump would. Trump, Trump, right, right. I wouldn't.

02:12:10.539 --> 02:12:13.829
I think Amy's great. This is six Bud Lights in,

02:12:13.930 --> 02:12:15.189
ladies and gentlemen. I just want to point that

02:12:15.189 --> 02:12:19.130
out. I'm just joking. If I met Amy, I'd be pumped

02:12:19.130 --> 02:12:23.050
to meet her. She killed, but they hated me. 20

02:12:23.050 --> 02:12:26.029
,000 people. Yeah, silence. That is a tough one.

02:12:26.149 --> 02:12:29.250
Jesus Christ. It was a place like that. What's

02:12:29.250 --> 02:12:31.590
the hardest you've ever bombed going after somebody,

02:12:31.609 --> 02:12:36.520
though? That's almost like a logistics bomb.

02:12:36.960 --> 02:12:39.420
That was great. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

02:12:39.479 --> 02:12:41.840
Jessica Kearson will kill so hard sometimes.

02:12:42.260 --> 02:12:44.539
They don't even know what you're doing. You're

02:12:44.539 --> 02:12:46.420
like, we want that again. Right, right, right.

02:12:46.420 --> 02:12:49.380
She kills. Really? You picked a lady. She's funny.

02:12:50.180 --> 02:12:53.260
She kills. Interesting choice, Mark. All right,

02:12:53.279 --> 02:12:55.060
let's see. Who's a guy that kills that's hard

02:12:55.060 --> 02:12:59.520
to follow? That slays like that. Yeah, I'm trying

02:12:59.520 --> 02:13:03.850
to think. Brad. You can't follow Brad. Brad Williams?

02:13:04.069 --> 02:13:06.510
Yeah. Really? It's so hard. You're too tall.

02:13:07.430 --> 02:13:08.949
It's so hard. It's like a different. You got

02:13:08.949 --> 02:13:10.970
tall privilege. It's like multiple standing ovations.

02:13:10.989 --> 02:13:14.310
It's crazy. And then you go on. Especially if

02:13:14.310 --> 02:13:16.770
he plays music. I haven't seen him do that. Oh,

02:13:16.770 --> 02:13:19.270
my God. I followed him once. He had confetti

02:13:19.270 --> 02:13:21.710
and music. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were

02:13:21.710 --> 02:13:24.329
doing a show at the Improv. I want to say it

02:13:24.329 --> 02:13:25.869
was like some kind of a festive show. There was

02:13:25.869 --> 02:13:27.210
something about it. It wasn't like a regular

02:13:27.210 --> 02:13:30.069
show. But Brad was on stage. He was doing cartwheels.

02:13:30.069 --> 02:13:32.789
There was fucking glitter and confetti. He was

02:13:32.789 --> 02:13:36.310
getting shot into the air. It was crazy. Confetti

02:13:36.310 --> 02:13:38.029
was or he was? Yeah, I think someone was on with

02:13:38.029 --> 02:13:39.550
him, too. I can't remember who was with him.

02:13:39.590 --> 02:13:41.250
But there was like one other comic was on stage

02:13:41.250 --> 02:13:43.689
with him. They were having fun. It was like a

02:13:43.689 --> 02:13:45.939
thing they were doing. And I remember walking

02:13:45.939 --> 02:13:47.920
on stage and I was like, Jesus Christ. People

02:13:47.920 --> 02:13:49.939
make a mistake with Brad and with Bridget Everett.

02:13:49.979 --> 02:13:51.260
They're like, well, maybe they're not as big

02:13:51.260 --> 02:13:52.779
as other comics. We'll put them in the middle.

02:13:52.840 --> 02:13:55.260
And it's like, don't do that. Put them at the

02:13:55.260 --> 02:13:57.960
end. Yeah. No one follows Bridget. No one follows

02:13:57.960 --> 02:14:00.479
Brad. Oh, Greer Barnes. Greer's a tough one.

02:14:00.500 --> 02:14:03.079
That's a tough follow. He is the standard. I

02:14:03.079 --> 02:14:04.579
remember Michelle saying, can you follow Greer

02:14:04.579 --> 02:14:06.840
or not? Yeah. If you can't, then shut up. Right.

02:14:07.020 --> 02:14:08.979
It's hard. I did a lot of gigs with him back

02:14:08.979 --> 02:14:10.760
in the day. We did colleges together way back

02:14:10.760 --> 02:14:14.520
in the 90s. Wow. Yeah. He's a funny dude. Funny

02:14:14.520 --> 02:14:17.060
guy. He's been around quite a long time. Yeah.

02:14:17.479 --> 02:14:19.560
Solid professional. The hardest I've ever bombed

02:14:19.560 --> 02:14:22.739
was going on after Jim Brewer. Oh. Oh, my God.

02:14:22.819 --> 02:14:27.079
Early in my career, like in the early 90s, Jim

02:14:27.079 --> 02:14:29.939
and I did this gig outside of the city. I forget,

02:14:29.960 --> 02:14:31.420
like 40 minutes outside of the city. I forget

02:14:31.420 --> 02:14:36.560
the town it was in. We did like Thursday through

02:14:36.560 --> 02:14:40.859
Saturday. And Thursday was fine. Friday was fine.

02:14:41.279 --> 02:14:43.460
Saturday, first show was fine. But Saturday,

02:14:43.539 --> 02:14:47.920
second show, he caught a fucking wave. And dude,

02:14:48.159 --> 02:14:50.619
he was, you know how you do like a whole weekend

02:14:50.619 --> 02:14:52.779
and you just get loose as fuck? You know, you

02:14:52.779 --> 02:14:54.960
do, you're already four shows in. Saturday late

02:14:54.960 --> 02:14:56.979
show is like always the funnest. You're in the

02:14:56.979 --> 02:14:59.819
groove, man. Right? Like that was the most we

02:14:59.819 --> 02:15:02.359
ever got to perform. Like during the week, you'd

02:15:02.359 --> 02:15:05.760
get like a 15 minute. here a 10 minute set here

02:15:05.760 --> 02:15:07.680
you'd get a bunch of sets but to be able to do

02:15:07.680 --> 02:15:10.720
a solid half an hour in front of a a really excited

02:15:10.720 --> 02:15:14.260
crowd on a saturday night so i went on after

02:15:14.260 --> 02:15:16.939
him and i was terrified and i'm in the back and

02:15:16.939 --> 02:15:19.560
he's doing this bit about his mom being drunk

02:15:19.560 --> 02:15:22.279
and i know him coming home and he's drunk and

02:15:22.279 --> 02:15:24.960
he sees his mom and it's a fucking hilarious

02:15:24.960 --> 02:15:28.920
but he's murdering and i'm going over all my

02:15:28.920 --> 02:15:31.420
bits going oh my god that bit sucks that bit

02:15:31.420 --> 02:15:33.720
sucks i was terrified and i went up and just

02:15:33.720 --> 02:15:36.739
ate shit oh yeah just plates of shit i was supposed

02:15:36.739 --> 02:15:41.939
to do 45 i bailed at 35 you know when you're

02:15:41.939 --> 02:15:43.539
feeling your feet on the stage like this is gonna

02:15:43.539 --> 02:15:46.479
be bad you know walking up it was a but it was

02:15:46.479 --> 02:15:48.260
a wake -up call it's like you got to tighten

02:15:48.260 --> 02:15:49.859
up your shit like sometimes you like keep the

02:15:49.859 --> 02:15:52.560
same act for too long and you don't do an inventory

02:15:52.560 --> 02:15:54.560
of it you don't do an audit of it going okay

02:15:54.560 --> 02:15:56.739
what would i laugh at this i'm like do i have

02:15:56.739 --> 02:15:58.760
these same bits for a long time just because

02:15:58.760 --> 02:16:00.279
i'm comfortable saying them this way because

02:16:00.279 --> 02:16:02.489
that's how i've been saying right is this right

02:16:02.489 --> 02:16:04.170
way to do it. What is it like for the audience?

02:16:04.449 --> 02:16:07.289
When you see someone murder and then you bomb

02:16:07.289 --> 02:16:09.430
and you realize this is a confidence thing. It's

02:16:09.430 --> 02:16:11.550
also, I don't have confidence in my material.

02:16:11.670 --> 02:16:13.329
Well, why don't I have confidence in my material?

02:16:13.470 --> 02:16:15.829
Because it's not ready. It's not right. Let's

02:16:15.829 --> 02:16:18.329
fix it. So I had to go through all my shit and

02:16:18.329 --> 02:16:20.470
fix it. They just want the juice. They want the

02:16:20.470 --> 02:16:22.899
peanuts, not the trail mix. They don't want all

02:16:22.899 --> 02:16:25.060
the bullshit, you know? Well, they also want

02:16:25.060 --> 02:16:27.960
you to be better. When you go on after someone

02:16:27.960 --> 02:16:29.739
that's really good, that was the thing that Mitzi

02:16:29.739 --> 02:16:31.840
always used to do. If you were an up -and -coming

02:16:31.840 --> 02:16:33.479
comic, she would throw you on after someone who's

02:16:33.479 --> 02:16:35.719
really good because it forces you to reevaluate

02:16:35.719 --> 02:16:37.700
your act. If you're that guy who gets that 9

02:16:37.700 --> 02:16:40.479
-15 spot every night, like, mwah, it's perfect.

02:16:40.719 --> 02:16:42.620
It's easy -peasy. Yeah, it's easy -peasy. People

02:16:42.620 --> 02:16:44.479
are, like, a little lubed up. You're the third

02:16:44.479 --> 02:16:46.700
guy. It's the best spot. But if you're going

02:16:46.700 --> 02:16:49.420
on after a bunch of murderers, man, and you're

02:16:49.420 --> 02:16:51.399
a new person, like, you've only been doing comedy

02:16:51.399 --> 02:16:54.319
for a... five years. Freddie did this to me once,

02:16:54.399 --> 02:16:56.399
Freddie Soto. Oh, he was a murderer. I was getting

02:16:56.399 --> 02:16:59.399
better and starting to feel confident. So he

02:16:59.399 --> 02:17:03.020
told Eleanor, I'm going to go Barry Ari. So he

02:17:03.020 --> 02:17:06.129
just crushed for 12 minutes. And then it was

02:17:06.129 --> 02:17:07.629
like, hey, please welcome Ari. This next guy's

02:17:07.629 --> 02:17:09.649
great. Just eat a dick while he's back there

02:17:09.649 --> 02:17:12.290
laughing at how bad I'm doing. They're all laughing

02:17:12.290 --> 02:17:14.950
and I can't get them. Yeah, it's hard. Comedy

02:17:14.950 --> 02:17:16.829
used to have more of that. Like, let me bury

02:17:16.829 --> 02:17:19.270
this guy. Let me show this guy what's what. Well,

02:17:19.290 --> 02:17:22.610
there's a benefit to both people. Yes. It's a

02:17:22.610 --> 02:17:24.329
real benefit to the guy who gets buried. He's

02:17:24.329 --> 02:17:26.049
the one that hurts him the most. But some of

02:17:26.049 --> 02:17:29.209
my best moments in my comedy career have been

02:17:29.209 --> 02:17:32.670
like growth after bombing. Like realizing that

02:17:32.670 --> 02:17:34.569
I bombed and then going, oh, Jesus Christ. Can't

02:17:34.569 --> 02:17:36.670
let that happen. Yeah, it was too painful. And

02:17:36.670 --> 02:17:39.270
also I knew it was my fault. I wasn't prepared.

02:17:39.530 --> 02:17:42.950
I wasn't ready. I wasn't amped up. I wasn't enthusiastic.

02:17:43.170 --> 02:17:45.989
I took it too light or I was nervous. There was

02:17:45.989 --> 02:17:47.530
a bunch of different factors that it could be.

02:17:47.809 --> 02:17:50.670
Yeah. One thing that's nice at the cellar, like

02:17:50.670 --> 02:17:53.909
one time I got there and Louie bumped me. Louie

02:17:53.909 --> 02:17:55.309
was in the hallway and I was like, oh, fuck.

02:17:55.930 --> 02:18:00.450
Yeah, big Louie Katz. Anderson. Louie Anderson.

02:18:00.770 --> 02:18:04.500
No, it was Louie CK. And I got there, and I was

02:18:04.500 --> 02:18:07.059
like, oh, fuck. I got to follow you. And he was

02:18:07.059 --> 02:18:11.100
just like, that's good. Yeah. The cellar, it's

02:18:11.100 --> 02:18:13.219
actually kind of nice. It's a small room. Yeah.

02:18:13.239 --> 02:18:15.760
So if you follow a famous person. You can ride

02:18:15.760 --> 02:18:17.719
it. Everybody's just happy. That's what Jay said.

02:18:17.780 --> 02:18:19.260
The whole room is just like. How many people

02:18:19.260 --> 02:18:23.219
is the cellar? 180? 180? No. The main cellar?

02:18:23.340 --> 02:18:25.399
It Googles nothing. Yeah, I think it's 180. Not

02:18:25.399 --> 02:18:27.959
even close to 180. I think it's Googleable. What

02:18:27.959 --> 02:18:28.959
do you think it is? Give it a Google. I think

02:18:28.959 --> 02:18:31.639
it's close to like 110. No, I think it's 180.

02:18:31.819 --> 02:18:34.610
It's small. Boston Comedy was even smaller than

02:18:34.610 --> 02:18:36.969
that, if I remember right. That was a small room.

02:18:37.049 --> 02:18:38.790
That was a tiny -ass room. I bombed in there

02:18:38.790 --> 02:18:40.950
many times. That was a rough one. If you didn't

02:18:40.950 --> 02:18:43.110
get them, I wasn't good enough for small rooms,

02:18:43.290 --> 02:18:46.129
if that makes any sense. I needed a little fake

02:18:46.129 --> 02:18:48.829
momentum. Yeah, bigger crowds are easier, but

02:18:48.829 --> 02:18:50.950
then if it's too big, it's another animal. Right,

02:18:51.010 --> 02:18:52.370
because then they're not connected to you, so

02:18:52.370 --> 02:18:54.190
they don't feel bad if they don't laugh. Exactly.

02:18:54.309 --> 02:18:58.069
150. But that's a capacity of a round. This is

02:18:58.069 --> 02:19:00.350
not like a fucking census. It's got to be less.

02:19:00.350 --> 02:19:01.829
This is somebody wrote something. It's so small.

02:19:02.719 --> 02:19:06.399
Somebody wrote that. Yeah. Why don't you text

02:19:06.399 --> 02:19:07.879
the people that run it? I did. I just texted

02:19:07.879 --> 02:19:11.780
them. Oh, okay. Well, don't get mad at me. Liz,

02:19:11.920 --> 02:19:15.520
yeah. How many sellers they have now? They have

02:19:15.520 --> 02:19:17.399
the Comedy Underground and they have the Cellar,

02:19:17.399 --> 02:19:19.739
right? And the Fat Black. Fat Black, Side Room.

02:19:19.780 --> 02:19:22.379
What is the biggest one? Village Underground.

02:19:22.920 --> 02:19:25.440
How many is that? That's 250? Yeah, it's like

02:19:25.440 --> 02:19:27.899
a club. That's our main room. Then the Comedy

02:19:27.899 --> 02:19:29.840
Cellar is the OR. Is that where Bobby did his

02:19:29.840 --> 02:19:32.040
special? It was 124. Joe List did his special

02:19:32.040 --> 02:19:36.040
there. Oh, I was way off. 124 is nice. That's

02:19:36.040 --> 02:19:40.079
a nice room. 124, packed. That's what Jay said.

02:19:40.200 --> 02:19:41.739
It was like somebody pussed out of following

02:19:41.739 --> 02:19:43.600
somebody big. Like, oh, I don't want to go on

02:19:43.600 --> 02:19:45.860
anymore. And Jay's like, man, they're having

02:19:45.860 --> 02:19:47.299
such a good time now. It's better. They just

02:19:47.299 --> 02:19:48.659
saw Chappelle. It's literally the best thing.

02:19:48.719 --> 02:19:50.139
They're in a great mood. They're just sitting

02:19:50.139 --> 02:19:51.899
there. They're like, I just saw Louis drop in.

02:19:52.000 --> 02:19:54.319
Yeah. And then you go on. It's important. If

02:19:54.319 --> 02:19:56.399
you want to think long term, it's a stress test

02:19:56.399 --> 02:19:59.379
for your jokes. Yeah. Yes. It really is. You

02:19:59.379 --> 02:20:01.180
need to test them. There is something, though,

02:20:01.239 --> 02:20:03.139
that it's like those first two minutes. It's

02:20:03.139 --> 02:20:04.760
not about your jokes later. It's like, how do

02:20:04.760 --> 02:20:06.700
I get this crowd on my side? Because if you lose

02:20:06.700 --> 02:20:08.120
them early, you're done. But that's a skill,

02:20:08.120 --> 02:20:11.159
too. Louie was like, you can't bring it up. I

02:20:11.159 --> 02:20:13.079
disagree. No, no, no. I think you have to acknowledge

02:20:13.079 --> 02:20:14.979
it. I disagree. Louie's never followed Louie.

02:20:15.299 --> 02:20:17.920
No, Louie followed Seinfeld in his prime. So

02:20:17.920 --> 02:20:20.500
Louie would go on after Seinfeld and be like.

02:20:21.319 --> 02:20:24.079
How am I supposed to follow that guy? And then

02:20:24.079 --> 02:20:25.940
everybody would be like, yeah, how is he supposed

02:20:25.940 --> 02:20:28.120
to follow him? Meanwhile, if you just go up and

02:20:28.120 --> 02:20:31.020
fucking get into it. I disagree. I saw Steve

02:20:31.020 --> 02:20:33.260
Simone follow Louis. I saw Steve Simone follow

02:20:33.260 --> 02:20:35.600
Louis. Just go, wow, look at how great. We just

02:20:35.600 --> 02:20:38.610
got to see Louis C .K. How awesome is that? Moved

02:20:38.610 --> 02:20:40.389
it right into a bit About like It's fun going

02:20:40.389 --> 02:20:42.209
out But they were on his side Cause they're like

02:20:42.209 --> 02:20:44.350
We all thought Oh this guy gets it Even better

02:20:44.350 --> 02:20:47.670
though What you're saying is Don't say Don't

02:20:47.670 --> 02:20:51.670
go How am I gonna follow that Yeah Right I had

02:20:51.670 --> 02:20:54.149
to follow Seinfeld At Gotham And this is like

02:20:54.510 --> 02:20:57.430
five years ago, and he was working out new. He

02:20:57.430 --> 02:20:59.370
had a pad up there, and I went, don't worry,

02:20:59.430 --> 02:21:02.690
folks, I'm going to try. And that killed because

02:21:02.690 --> 02:21:04.290
he was working out. You take a shot at somebody.

02:21:04.430 --> 02:21:06.610
Well, you take a shot, and you're the underdog.

02:21:06.709 --> 02:21:08.409
So they're on your side. You take a shot at someone,

02:21:08.489 --> 02:21:10.829
that works. Look at me, no notes. Yeah, exactly.

02:21:12.170 --> 02:21:14.530
And it went well, but I saw Phil Hanley. It was

02:21:14.530 --> 02:21:17.489
Rock, Louie, and then Phil Hanley had to go on,

02:21:17.590 --> 02:21:19.690
and he goes, well, you know, the big three. And

02:21:19.690 --> 02:21:21.750
that killed. And I was like, that's a smooth

02:21:21.750 --> 02:21:23.590
way to do it. Yeah, that's fine. Get them on

02:21:23.590 --> 02:21:25.420
your side. with a joke yeah you can't have a

02:21:25.420 --> 02:21:27.540
bullshit joke to start with you got to be prepared

02:21:27.540 --> 02:21:30.280
yeah you got to be prepared with a solid a solid

02:21:30.280 --> 02:21:33.340
bit I mean, not your opening statement, but a

02:21:33.340 --> 02:21:34.979
solid bit, right? I went up to Chappelle at the

02:21:34.979 --> 02:21:36.879
store once and I just made fun of how Dummy holds

02:21:36.879 --> 02:21:39.799
a cigarette. Ah! There you go. So I'm like, did

02:21:39.799 --> 02:21:42.120
you just start smoking? What is that? Yeah. And

02:21:42.120 --> 02:21:43.819
they're like, all right, we're good. God, God.

02:21:44.020 --> 02:21:46.000
Yeah. There's something about those kind of clubs,

02:21:46.100 --> 02:21:48.479
whether it's the cellar or the store, like those

02:21:48.479 --> 02:21:51.659
are so important. You can't just have a club

02:21:51.659 --> 02:21:54.379
where it's like, you know, these comics that

02:21:54.379 --> 02:21:56.780
grow up or they come up rather in these towns

02:21:56.780 --> 02:21:58.899
that only have like an improv and they have like

02:21:58.899 --> 02:22:00.840
big time headliners on the wall. weekend you

02:22:00.840 --> 02:22:04.239
know and they don't have like the store was you

02:22:04.239 --> 02:22:06.940
could always get a spot you get a spot every

02:22:06.940 --> 02:22:09.180
fucking night there's three rooms running simultaneously

02:22:09.180 --> 02:22:13.440
yeah The developmental ability of a place like

02:22:13.440 --> 02:22:15.100
that, because you could be doing a set in the

02:22:15.100 --> 02:22:16.940
belly room for 30 people and then go downstairs

02:22:16.940 --> 02:22:20.459
and watch Joey Diaz kill in the OR for a packed

02:22:20.459 --> 02:22:24.100
room. Different vibes. But you were getting an

02:22:24.100 --> 02:22:27.260
education. You were on the same circuit as these

02:22:27.260 --> 02:22:29.579
monsters. You got to see Chappelle walk in and

02:22:29.579 --> 02:22:31.479
Rock walk in and Louie walk in and all these

02:22:31.479 --> 02:22:33.219
different people go up and kill. You got to see

02:22:33.219 --> 02:22:35.899
Bird do sets there. And you were doing sets in

02:22:35.899 --> 02:22:39.100
that same club. That is... immense for a comics

02:22:39.100 --> 02:22:40.780
future. And then you don't even notice, too.

02:22:40.860 --> 02:22:42.239
The guys feel like, oh, it's tough to follow

02:22:42.239 --> 02:22:45.799
like Louis C .K., but then the under -discovered

02:22:45.799 --> 02:22:49.000
comics who are crushers. Goddamn. Yeah, like

02:22:49.000 --> 02:22:51.700
Fahim or D 'Elia. Fahim is wildly underrated.

02:22:51.799 --> 02:22:55.620
Yeah, Fahim's great. Very good. Very funny guy.

02:22:55.860 --> 02:22:57.899
But you guys grew up with a club in your town.

02:22:58.239 --> 02:23:00.700
I didn't have that. Yeah, we came up. Not really.

02:23:00.879 --> 02:23:02.920
I was in Harrisburg. But you had a comedy zone.

02:23:03.719 --> 02:23:05.780
Yeah, I had a comedy zone. That's something.

02:23:06.000 --> 02:23:08.139
That's something. There's a place to go. Something

02:23:08.139 --> 02:23:10.159
is better than nothing. You need something. Yeah,

02:23:10.159 --> 02:23:11.860
fuck you, man. You know, I grew up in the craziest

02:23:11.860 --> 02:23:14.760
town ever in Boston. Privileged. Yeah. You got

02:23:14.760 --> 02:23:16.420
lucky. There was no competition there. You could

02:23:16.420 --> 02:23:18.239
fucking rise to the top. True. I really did.

02:23:18.360 --> 02:23:20.020
My parents used to live in Harrisburg. Hold on.

02:23:20.100 --> 02:23:22.159
Oh, fuck. We talked about it. Hold on. Let me

02:23:22.159 --> 02:23:23.360
tell you this. It's ridiculous. There's a guy.

02:23:23.780 --> 02:23:27.719
Shout out Heath the Queef. Heath the Queef. My

02:23:27.719 --> 02:23:30.020
hero. Harrisburg Comedy Zone open mic -er. He

02:23:30.020 --> 02:23:34.729
had one of the best jokes. He said, I think a

02:23:34.729 --> 02:23:40.090
Chinese man... Oh, fuck. Now we realize... No,

02:23:40.489 --> 02:23:42.790
it's so funny. Now you've got to imagine, Harrisburg

02:23:42.790 --> 02:23:46.110
Comedy Zone. Dead. And then there's a guy on

02:23:46.110 --> 02:23:48.450
stage who's clearly on meth. Shout out, Heath

02:23:48.450 --> 02:23:52.350
Cleave. And he's like... Heath Cleave. He says,

02:23:52.530 --> 02:23:56.350
I figured out how Barack Obama got his name.

02:23:56.430 --> 02:24:00.569
He had an Asian doctor named him. His mom was

02:24:00.569 --> 02:24:02.030
on the table, and she's like, doctor, what is

02:24:02.030 --> 02:24:04.110
it? What is it? And he goes, oh, it's a Barack

02:24:04.110 --> 02:24:07.750
baby. And that's where Shane got his love for

02:24:07.750 --> 02:24:09.549
Asian humor. Isn't that funny? It's a Barack

02:24:09.549 --> 02:24:12.190
baby? That's great. Metzger had a similar joke,

02:24:12.309 --> 02:24:14.250
actually. Metzger and Heath McQueef were on the

02:24:14.250 --> 02:24:17.889
same wavelength. Adderall and Metzger were really

02:24:17.889 --> 02:24:20.430
close together. If you look at them on a chemical

02:24:20.430 --> 02:24:22.750
spectrum. Anyway, sorry that was too long. Shut

02:24:22.750 --> 02:24:25.329
up. I shouldn't have done those pots. There was

02:24:25.329 --> 02:24:27.010
a guy I started out with who killed a guy with

02:24:27.010 --> 02:24:30.329
a stick. What? Yeah, a guy I started out with

02:24:30.329 --> 02:24:32.649
from Rhode Island, he beat a guy to death while

02:24:32.649 --> 02:24:34.549
we were all doing stand -up. That's a closer.

02:24:34.549 --> 02:24:36.889
Went to jail for a long time and then came back

02:24:36.889 --> 02:24:39.569
and started doing stand -up again. Wow, he got

02:24:39.569 --> 02:24:42.290
any time he wanted. You go on. He got in a fight

02:24:42.290 --> 02:24:44.510
with some guy and he beat him to death with a

02:24:44.510 --> 02:24:47.860
branch. A branch. Like a switch. Organic. Like

02:24:47.860 --> 02:24:50.819
a club of a tree trunk. He hit him with a tree?

02:24:50.940 --> 02:24:52.440
Like a tree branch. He hit him with a piece of

02:24:52.440 --> 02:24:55.719
a tree. Damn. Holy shit. Well, you got to think,

02:24:55.819 --> 02:24:57.600
how many of those guys you started out with were

02:24:57.600 --> 02:24:59.760
like mental patients? Oh. Me and Mark were talking

02:24:59.760 --> 02:25:02.219
about it today. The crazy different types of

02:25:02.219 --> 02:25:04.420
people that come together. Yeah. As just like

02:25:04.420 --> 02:25:07.500
normal friends. We are. We are. All of us. This

02:25:07.500 --> 02:25:09.639
should have never, ever happened. Good point.

02:25:09.700 --> 02:25:12.420
We got MMA. We got Jew face. We got Mechanic

02:25:12.420 --> 02:25:15.569
Berg. And we got Nola. Yeah, it should have never

02:25:15.569 --> 02:25:18.629
happened. Yeah. We needed a business for misfits.

02:25:18.809 --> 02:25:21.469
Yes. It's a misfit business. That's a t -shirt.

02:25:21.649 --> 02:25:23.809
Yeah, and if people want comedy, you've got to

02:25:23.809 --> 02:25:26.549
allow... Fuck -ups. Like, the idea that you want

02:25:26.549 --> 02:25:28.649
us to act like regular folks is ridiculous. You

02:25:28.649 --> 02:25:30.270
should desire it. You should desire it. Like,

02:25:30.270 --> 02:25:32.309
go for it. You gotta know that we're not mean,

02:25:32.469 --> 02:25:34.270
but you gotta understand that, like, what we're

02:25:34.270 --> 02:25:36.350
doing, the way we're doing it, the reason why

02:25:36.350 --> 02:25:37.629
we're doing it that way is because it's the only

02:25:37.629 --> 02:25:40.250
way to be really funny. To make each other laugh

02:25:40.250 --> 02:25:42.450
about shit you're not supposed to say. Right.

02:25:42.469 --> 02:25:44.290
Like, you can't take it at face value. That's

02:25:44.290 --> 02:25:46.569
stupid. I mean, Carlin, Lenny Bruce, Richard

02:25:46.569 --> 02:25:49.719
Pryor, Lenny, or, fuck. I've been drinking. Rich

02:25:49.719 --> 02:25:53.559
Voss. Carlin. Carlin. Carlin was famous for the

02:25:53.559 --> 02:25:55.399
seven words you can't say. That's what put him

02:25:55.399 --> 02:25:59.079
on the map. But yeah, he's - Did he add the one?

02:25:59.920 --> 02:26:02.500
He didn't have the N word. The eight words you

02:26:02.500 --> 02:26:03.719
can't say. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah,

02:26:03.719 --> 02:26:05.319
that's so true. There's a bunch of other words

02:26:05.319 --> 02:26:06.979
you can't even say. Now it's the one word. You

02:26:06.979 --> 02:26:08.940
can't say tranny. Because back then - Yeah. You

02:26:08.940 --> 02:26:11.280
couldn't say tranny. You just did. Tranny, tranny,

02:26:11.280 --> 02:26:13.659
tranny. You son of a bitch. No, when Carlin was

02:26:13.659 --> 02:26:28.860
around, you could say the N word. Listen boys,

02:26:28.959 --> 02:26:31.159
I'm willing to cancel all my other guests and

02:26:31.159 --> 02:26:45.680
just do podcasts with you guys you're boring

02:26:45.680 --> 02:26:48.440
but that's but that's the weirdest thing about

02:26:48.440 --> 02:26:50.819
what this is like how the fuck is this these

02:26:50.819 --> 02:26:53.780
things all together you know how is this uh debates

02:26:53.780 --> 02:26:56.920
about mrna vaccines and they're fucking well

02:26:56.920 --> 02:26:59.600
and also this i saw jordan peterson he did a

02:26:59.600 --> 02:27:01.559
schultz's podcast and schultz's like i don't

02:27:01.559 --> 02:27:03.100
know i'm just telling dick jokes and jordan peterson's

02:27:03.100 --> 02:27:10.020
like that's important we need that yeah he's

02:27:10.020 --> 02:27:12.940
an interesting guy I love that guy. Both of them.

02:27:13.000 --> 02:27:14.899
I love both of them. Both wiggers. I love both

02:27:14.899 --> 02:27:18.840
of them. How dare you? You son of a bitch. You

02:27:18.840 --> 02:27:20.979
said it out loud. Can you say that word anymore?

02:27:21.159 --> 02:27:24.860
You never could. You can still say bigger. You

02:27:24.860 --> 02:27:26.600
never could, but you can say bigger. You can

02:27:26.600 --> 02:27:30.200
say wavelength. Great minds. No coke. But no,

02:27:30.260 --> 02:27:32.239
Schultz is killing it. Schultz is that guy. I

02:27:32.239 --> 02:27:34.219
watched him. He filmed a special here a couple

02:27:34.219 --> 02:27:37.360
weeks ago. What? In the studio? No, no, he filmed

02:27:37.360 --> 02:27:39.120
a special at the Paramount. Oh, not the studio?

02:27:39.360 --> 02:27:42.020
No. It's a little small. I mean, intimate's good,

02:27:42.120 --> 02:27:44.680
but 20 people's weird. It's weird. All your bodyguards.

02:27:44.899 --> 02:27:50.280
Yeah. Just honks, dude. Just former. Former military.

02:27:52.059 --> 02:27:54.420
The fucking expendables out front. That's one

02:27:54.420 --> 02:27:57.719
of the weirder aspects of my life now. There

02:27:57.719 --> 02:27:59.959
was a moment, I guess two or three years ago,

02:28:00.020 --> 02:28:01.540
where I realized I needed to hire murderers.

02:28:01.780 --> 02:28:04.799
Yeah, you used to do it as fun. It's like, I

02:28:04.799 --> 02:28:06.940
can get paid a job, who cares? Hire a bunch of

02:28:06.940 --> 02:28:09.700
fucking veterans and bad motherfuckers to watch

02:28:09.700 --> 02:28:11.579
everything. There was a certain point in time

02:28:11.579 --> 02:28:13.000
where I was like, this thing is getting too weird.

02:28:13.790 --> 02:28:16.750
Yeah. You're too famous. Is that a bummer? Because

02:28:16.750 --> 02:28:19.190
fame, I don't want fame. It stinks. It stinks.

02:28:19.270 --> 02:28:22.250
It's not good if you pay attention, but I'm great

02:28:22.250 --> 02:28:24.170
at not paying attention. All I do is - I'm uniquely

02:28:24.170 --> 02:28:27.010
qualified. I get Reddit and I look at it. Same.

02:28:27.290 --> 02:28:30.209
Turns out I'm a fat retort. All I look up is

02:28:30.209 --> 02:28:32.370
on Reddit is Shane stuff. I'm a midget. Listen,

02:28:32.489 --> 02:28:36.010
don't read it. It's just, I just do my thing.

02:28:36.030 --> 02:28:38.409
I live my life. I actually got to the point where

02:28:38.409 --> 02:28:40.889
I didn't mind reading it. Yeah. It's a little

02:28:40.889 --> 02:28:43.049
bit of snake venom. A little bit every day. And

02:28:43.049 --> 02:28:45.049
you get a certain amount of tolerance. And after

02:28:45.049 --> 02:28:47.049
a while, you get it. You don't need to go back

02:28:47.049 --> 02:28:48.870
and keep getting bitten by snakes. It's like

02:28:48.870 --> 02:28:50.729
you get it. And if you're hard enough on yourself,

02:28:50.989 --> 02:28:52.629
if you're hard enough on yourself, you don't

02:28:52.629 --> 02:28:54.850
need people to be hard on you all day long. Right.

02:28:54.989 --> 02:28:57.510
And if you go online, most of what people like

02:28:57.510 --> 02:28:59.530
to do is shit on people. It's fun. I used to

02:28:59.530 --> 02:29:01.709
like to do it, too. If I was 15 years old and

02:29:01.709 --> 02:29:03.030
I had a fucking Twitter account, it would have

02:29:03.030 --> 02:29:05.190
been a disaster. People would be pulling up those

02:29:05.190 --> 02:29:07.229
tweets to the end of time. But it hurts. I was

02:29:07.229 --> 02:29:09.409
an asshole. I was a young kid. And I would have

02:29:09.409 --> 02:29:11.129
been doing it for fun, just like most of the

02:29:11.129 --> 02:29:13.329
people out there that are shitting on you in

02:29:13.329 --> 02:29:15.610
the comments, on Instagram and Facebook and wherever.

02:29:15.809 --> 02:29:18.290
You don't have to read it. Just you pay attention

02:29:18.290 --> 02:29:20.850
to you. Most of them also are the dorks you're

02:29:20.850 --> 02:29:22.809
trying to piss off. A lot of them are. The stuff

02:29:22.809 --> 02:29:24.229
you do at the cellar and stuff, you're like,

02:29:24.309 --> 02:29:26.770
normal people can't take this. And then some

02:29:26.770 --> 02:29:28.270
normal person's like, I don't like this. Yeah,

02:29:28.270 --> 02:29:30.729
right. No, normal people. I'm not talking about

02:29:30.729 --> 02:29:32.510
reading a comment where it's like, I saw him

02:29:32.510 --> 02:29:35.510
and he was racist. I'm talking about a dude on

02:29:35.510 --> 02:29:38.450
Reddit that's fucking... Yeah, hard. He's hit

02:29:38.450 --> 02:29:40.309
right times. Well, the thing is, those guys...

02:29:40.309 --> 02:29:43.209
Rabbit punches, dude. Those guys, but if they

02:29:43.209 --> 02:29:45.510
nail it, that's why it hurts. Because there's

02:29:45.510 --> 02:29:47.049
something about what they're saying that's accurate.

02:29:47.129 --> 02:29:50.430
But if you know you fucking crushed and you are

02:29:50.430 --> 02:29:52.489
really happy with the way the material turned

02:29:52.489 --> 02:29:54.629
out and you did a great set and then someone

02:29:54.629 --> 02:29:57.610
shits on that, that's on them. I agree with that.

02:29:57.670 --> 02:30:00.649
Not everybody. likes Led Zeppelin. Some people

02:30:00.649 --> 02:30:02.530
just want to hear jazz all day. You ever see

02:30:02.530 --> 02:30:06.049
those porcelain documentaries? Porcelain or beige

02:30:06.049 --> 02:30:09.010
frequency? The stand -up documentaries? They're

02:30:09.010 --> 02:30:12.329
great. What are you talking about? I don't know

02:30:12.329 --> 02:30:14.389
what you're talking about. Dude, you just lost

02:30:14.389 --> 02:30:18.000
your November. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to me. There

02:30:18.000 --> 02:30:20.180
are these documentaries about stand -ups, about

02:30:20.180 --> 02:30:22.940
stand -up comedy. Yeah. Porcelain and Beige Frequency.

02:30:22.940 --> 02:30:25.579
And they're really, really good, well -researched.

02:30:25.579 --> 02:30:27.399
Who made them? These guys just make them for

02:30:27.399 --> 02:30:29.819
internet. Oh, like Norton and Jim Jefferies.

02:30:29.819 --> 02:30:31.399
Where are some of them? I have seen them on YouTube.

02:30:31.620 --> 02:30:34.299
They're so brutal, man. They're brutal. But they're

02:30:34.299 --> 02:30:36.479
all dead on. They're not like taking stuff out

02:30:36.479 --> 02:30:38.239
of context. They're taking stuff in context.

02:30:38.239 --> 02:30:40.819
One of them. Now, this is funny. I was with my

02:30:40.819 --> 02:30:44.680
lady, and I DM'd him at it. When I saw they reviewed

02:30:44.680 --> 02:30:47.200
my special, I was with my girlfriend, and I was

02:30:47.200 --> 02:30:49.879
like, you got to leave the room. I'm going to

02:30:49.879 --> 02:30:52.959
watch this. And if this is what I think it is,

02:30:53.100 --> 02:30:56.260
I'm going to be upset. You're a masochist. Yeah.

02:30:56.340 --> 02:30:58.159
I watched it, and actually the guy was like,

02:30:58.219 --> 02:31:01.120
this is pretty good. So I was like, that means

02:31:01.120 --> 02:31:03.100
everything. Wow, that's great. They're not hit

02:31:03.100 --> 02:31:06.159
pieces, but it often is. It rests in the negative

02:31:06.159 --> 02:31:08.409
sometimes, and it's fucking great. But the thing

02:31:08.409 --> 02:31:11.270
about what you would do if you were on the outside

02:31:11.270 --> 02:31:14.030
is you would do the exact same thing. Especially,

02:31:14.670 --> 02:31:16.770
look, who likes to attack heroes more than you

02:31:16.770 --> 02:31:18.610
do? I love it. It's your favorite thing? I love

02:31:18.610 --> 02:31:20.469
it. When Oprah, fucking Whitney Houston went

02:31:20.469 --> 02:31:23.309
down and Oprah's like... With everybody. Anytime

02:31:23.309 --> 02:31:25.870
anybody dies, I just immediately go and check

02:31:25.870 --> 02:31:28.149
Ari's Twitter. I'm like, Jesus, Ari, how in trouble

02:31:28.149 --> 02:31:29.510
are you? It's because everyone's saying like,

02:31:29.649 --> 02:31:32.190
oh, I'm so hurt by it. It's like, well, shut

02:31:32.190 --> 02:31:34.790
up. But the thing is... How many people knew

02:31:34.790 --> 02:31:36.530
Chadwick Boseman? Shut the fuck up. Shut up.

02:31:36.909 --> 02:31:39.829
I heard Chadwick and I was fucking pissed. That

02:31:39.829 --> 02:31:41.629
bothered me. That's hilarious. I was pissed.

02:31:42.030 --> 02:31:43.790
That bothered me. That one bothered me. He didn't

02:31:43.790 --> 02:31:46.629
care about you. He loved me. He DM'd me. He was

02:31:46.629 --> 02:31:48.430
another guy that didn't tell people he had cancer.

02:31:48.530 --> 02:31:51.129
How about that? Another bad motherfucker who

02:31:51.129 --> 02:31:52.530
didn't tell people. He filmed a movie. He filmed

02:31:52.530 --> 02:31:54.469
that Last Bloods movie. That's true. But how

02:31:54.469 --> 02:31:56.690
lame is it to be like, guys, he was amazing.

02:31:57.090 --> 02:31:59.790
It's so boring. What a boring response. What

02:31:59.790 --> 02:32:02.010
if someone is amazing? What? What if someone

02:32:02.010 --> 02:32:04.790
was amazing? It's just too cliche to be like,

02:32:04.790 --> 02:32:06.899
I love you. Yeah, I do. I do. as a comic. No,

02:32:06.959 --> 02:32:08.420
some of those guys do hurt when they die, but

02:32:08.420 --> 02:32:10.600
it's still like, don't say that. I'll be honest.

02:32:11.079 --> 02:32:12.459
Norm. You didn't shit on Norm, though. I know

02:32:12.459 --> 02:32:14.780
a cheesy post about Norm. You didn't shit on

02:32:14.780 --> 02:32:16.379
Norm. You didn't shit on Norm. No, I said his

02:32:16.379 --> 02:32:18.700
last words were, come see Ari's show. Is that

02:32:18.700 --> 02:32:21.440
what you said? That's very funny. Good for you.

02:32:21.760 --> 02:32:24.180
That's neutral. That's in character. Yeah. You

02:32:24.180 --> 02:32:26.920
can't shit on that guy. It's just everyone's,

02:32:27.000 --> 02:32:29.360
it's just so, it's like 9 -11. It's like, was

02:32:29.360 --> 02:32:31.760
this, yeah, it was sad. Don't say that. I told

02:32:31.760 --> 02:32:33.799
you about Princess Di once and a lady came after

02:32:33.799 --> 02:32:35.479
him. I'm like, that was 20 -something years ago.

02:32:35.559 --> 02:32:36.940
What are we doing here? The Amy Winehouse people

02:32:36.940 --> 02:32:40.159
get mad still. Yeah. But it's fun to watch them

02:32:40.159 --> 02:32:42.579
get mad. Well, you know, if they're on the outside

02:32:42.579 --> 02:32:44.239
and you're shitting on their hero and they don't

02:32:44.239 --> 02:32:45.799
even know you, like, who the fuck is this guy?

02:32:45.879 --> 02:32:48.100
Of course they're going to think like that. Yeah.

02:32:48.360 --> 02:32:50.459
Especially someone like Amy Winehouse who died

02:32:50.459 --> 02:32:53.559
so young. So fucking talented. Oh, yeah. Just

02:32:53.559 --> 02:32:55.680
couldn't stop drinking. You know, she died. What

02:32:55.680 --> 02:32:56.979
are you guys doing over there? I don't know.

02:32:56.979 --> 02:32:58.860
Fuck you. I was looking at fucking Surly Shane.

02:32:59.139 --> 02:33:01.219
Irish drunk. Surly Shane's going to fucking try

02:33:01.219 --> 02:33:02.979
to grab my dick for sure. He's going to do something.

02:33:03.000 --> 02:33:06.620
I'm just thinking about how sick Kobe is. Whatever

02:33:06.620 --> 02:33:08.790
happened to Kobe? He's going back strong. In

02:33:08.790 --> 02:33:10.930
my head, I'm just like, damn, Kobe's the best,

02:33:11.129 --> 02:33:13.149
dude. I remember the three legs dunk contest.

02:33:13.430 --> 02:33:17.889
This motherfucker. Magic Johnson beat him. Who

02:33:17.889 --> 02:33:20.010
would bother you the most if they died? What

02:33:20.010 --> 02:33:21.850
person outside of this room? Like a celebrity?

02:33:22.209 --> 02:33:23.969
Yeah, like outside of this room. Nobody would

02:33:23.969 --> 02:33:26.530
know. Outside of this room where it would really

02:33:26.530 --> 02:33:29.530
fuck with you if they died. I guess my dad. Norm

02:33:29.530 --> 02:33:32.250
was up there. Norm was genuinely up there. Yeah,

02:33:32.350 --> 02:33:34.809
I was sad when Norm died. Sandler. Sandler would

02:33:34.809 --> 02:33:38.690
be brutal. Norm stunned me. Yeah. A sudden one

02:33:38.690 --> 02:33:40.690
is tough. But it was a weird one. It was like,

02:33:40.709 --> 02:33:46.149
what? Oprah. Oprah, I couldn't care less. What

02:33:46.149 --> 02:33:49.489
would Trump say? What would Trump say? Look at

02:33:49.489 --> 02:33:52.030
this woman. She goes on there. She talks. She's

02:33:52.030 --> 02:33:58.309
not that. You bail out of it. I'm glad you bailed

02:33:58.309 --> 02:34:00.690
because you've been stung before. Yeah, I have.

02:34:01.079 --> 02:34:02.579
I have. You understand. And I've learned. I've

02:34:02.579 --> 02:34:04.899
grown as a person. You have grown. Adam Sandler

02:34:04.899 --> 02:34:07.979
dying would be a goddamn disaster. Dude. Shaquille

02:34:07.979 --> 02:34:10.319
O 'Neal. It would have to be somebody doing it

02:34:10.319 --> 02:34:13.379
right now. Larry David. In their prime now. So

02:34:13.379 --> 02:34:14.879
then you're like, oh, we were about to get this

02:34:14.879 --> 02:34:16.920
great new thing and now we won't get it. When

02:34:16.920 --> 02:34:19.620
Michael Jackson dies, that's going to hurt. He's

02:34:19.620 --> 02:34:25.239
already dead. No! Bro, he died a while ago. Shaq.

02:34:25.620 --> 02:34:26.420
Shaq's going to be sad. Shaq's going to be a

02:34:26.420 --> 02:34:28.920
tough one. That'll be sad. But he's so tall.

02:34:29.000 --> 02:34:31.399
He's so lovable. I have not met him. He's a great

02:34:31.399 --> 02:34:34.459
guy. Shaq and Charles Barkley. And Shaq seems

02:34:34.459 --> 02:34:37.479
like he's like a Great Dane where it's like he's

02:34:37.479 --> 02:34:40.459
old for as big as he is. Yeah, exactly. And he's

02:34:40.459 --> 02:34:42.620
been a big sweetheart the whole time. He's got

02:34:42.620 --> 02:34:44.860
feet up, too. He's going to fall one day and

02:34:44.860 --> 02:34:46.459
it's going to be over. Charles Barkley's a great

02:34:46.459 --> 02:34:48.420
guy, too. Charles Barkley rules. I love Barkley.

02:34:48.420 --> 02:34:50.639
He's a great guy in person. You met him? Yeah,

02:34:50.639 --> 02:34:53.149
yeah. Super nice guy. I met him for... 10 seconds

02:34:53.149 --> 02:34:55.409
at the beginning of COVID. Me and him were the

02:34:55.409 --> 02:34:57.489
only guys at the airport. Gave him a high five.

02:34:57.950 --> 02:35:00.469
And then I got to my... But you can tell when

02:35:00.469 --> 02:35:02.069
he's talking. I got to my hotel and they were

02:35:02.069 --> 02:35:04.069
like, Charles Barkley's getting tested for COVID.

02:35:04.309 --> 02:35:07.010
Look at everybody look away from my story. I'm

02:35:07.010 --> 02:35:09.389
sorry, the moving image started. You're right.

02:35:09.670 --> 02:35:12.190
Pay attention to Shane's story. You just put

02:35:12.190 --> 02:35:13.889
the moving image on there and Shane's like, fuck

02:35:13.889 --> 02:35:18.250
off. Fuck off, talented comedian. We have a video

02:35:18.250 --> 02:35:22.579
of Shaq. Is he DJing? Yeah. Oh. He's been DJing.

02:35:22.600 --> 02:35:24.479
This is like comedy. It's like anybody who cares.

02:35:24.500 --> 02:35:27.540
He's not a sheriff anymore? Jamie. Jamie. Look

02:35:27.540 --> 02:35:30.739
at him. Wow. Paris Hilton's a DJ. I'm watching

02:35:30.739 --> 02:35:33.959
you on the screen. Jamie, could you go to Eggs

02:35:33.959 --> 02:35:37.819
Tyrone Instagram? Jamie, don't do it. By the

02:35:37.819 --> 02:35:40.399
way, Eggs Tyrone. Shout out to Eggs Tyrone. No

02:35:40.399 --> 02:35:44.819
shout out. So what this guy does is he puts music

02:35:44.819 --> 02:35:47.139
to videos that don't fit. So usually it's like

02:35:47.139 --> 02:35:50.219
Muslim guys dancing and he puts in hip hop. Shit

02:35:50.219 --> 02:35:53.139
rules. That's a great one. Ashkenazi Jews dancing.

02:35:53.659 --> 02:35:57.100
Not this one. Well, this will probably be great.

02:35:57.139 --> 02:35:58.360
Everything he does is great. That was great.

02:35:58.790 --> 02:36:00.590
Everything he does is great. Keep that first

02:36:00.590 --> 02:36:02.110
guy. Let me see that first guy. Scroll down.

02:36:02.350 --> 02:36:04.670
Shaq Diesel right there. Oh, this one. Play that

02:36:04.670 --> 02:36:06.229
with audio, please, for me. Oh, I've seen these

02:36:06.229 --> 02:36:11.149
guys. They jump on the counter. Yeah, but he

02:36:11.149 --> 02:36:13.989
adds. That's Shaq. Shaq Diesel. I didn't know

02:36:13.989 --> 02:36:18.129
that was Shaq. I didn't either. This is amazing.

02:36:18.950 --> 02:36:21.350
Yeah, he puts music to shit that doesn't work.

02:36:21.430 --> 02:36:24.209
Wait, this is not real? No. I thought they were

02:36:24.209 --> 02:36:26.069
going for it. It's a rap song. Any video you

02:36:26.069 --> 02:36:29.569
pick is X. That's funny, though. That's funny.

02:36:29.610 --> 02:36:32.829
Oh, my God. I saw that. I didn't realize it was

02:36:32.829 --> 02:36:34.530
Shaq on the right. What's the real song? Who

02:36:34.530 --> 02:36:36.049
was singing that song? That number one with a

02:36:36.049 --> 02:36:38.709
ball? Oh, no. It's Bleak 182. Bleak 182? They

02:36:38.709 --> 02:36:40.270
were playing Blink. No, that's Fall Out Boy.

02:36:40.549 --> 02:36:44.719
That's Fall Out Boy? Yeah. Sugar. I'm banged

02:36:44.719 --> 02:36:49.459
up. Bro, we gotta do a show and we have a show

02:36:49.459 --> 02:36:52.340
that starts in 12 minutes. I cannot go on stage.

02:36:52.579 --> 02:36:55.639
Fuck off. I can't go on stage at this point.

02:36:55.719 --> 02:36:57.940
You guys aren't going on stage? What are you

02:36:57.940 --> 02:37:00.739
pussies talking about? This is what we do. I

02:37:00.739 --> 02:37:05.319
gotta get a water in me. Get a water. Suck it

02:37:05.319 --> 02:37:09.379
up. They're joking around. Are you joking? 12

02:37:09.379 --> 02:37:13.000
minutes? I'll go first. How much do you guys

02:37:13.000 --> 02:37:14.520
want me to do? Well, we've got Hans Kim. Hans

02:37:14.520 --> 02:37:16.100
Kim's going to go first. Who's that, an agent?

02:37:16.100 --> 02:37:17.780
What the fuck? Is he a villain from a film? No.

02:37:17.780 --> 02:37:21.319
He's a funny guy. He's an up -and -comer and

02:37:21.319 --> 02:37:22.639
awesome. Mark, you shouldn't make jokes like

02:37:22.639 --> 02:37:24.899
that and make fun of me on the show. Oh, sorry.

02:37:25.399 --> 02:37:27.020
I thought you were over it. Come on. Can we just

02:37:27.020 --> 02:37:28.780
do this every week? Mark, you shouldn't make

02:37:28.780 --> 02:37:30.860
fun of me on the goddamn Joe Rogan experience,

02:37:31.100 --> 02:37:33.459
dude. You make me look like a dumb idiot. No,

02:37:33.479 --> 02:37:36.860
we're all fans. It's 76 degrees in here. Not

02:37:36.860 --> 02:37:38.979
a bad idea. One day a week, I'll branch off and

02:37:38.979 --> 02:37:41.989
I'll have a scientist on. Oh, Joe, we got to

02:37:41.989 --> 02:37:43.829
tell you. Let me talk to a scientist, Joe. We

02:37:43.829 --> 02:37:45.190
don't have a place to stay. Let me get in there.

02:37:46.370 --> 02:37:48.250
We don't have a place to stay. Can we stay at

02:37:48.250 --> 02:37:49.870
your house? Yeah, you want to. Can we all stay

02:37:49.870 --> 02:37:52.829
at your house tonight? Let me ask my wife. Wait,

02:37:52.969 --> 02:37:54.750
can we actually stay at your house? But I'll

02:37:54.750 --> 02:37:56.850
definitely, with the promise, my kids are asleep.

02:37:58.560 --> 02:38:00.420
We're not planning a party with your kids tonight.

02:38:00.559 --> 02:38:02.260
You're going to make noise. I want to meet the

02:38:02.260 --> 02:38:05.579
kids. Shane snores for sure. For sure. For sure.

02:38:06.139 --> 02:38:08.159
I'm great with kids. How do you know? I know

02:38:08.159 --> 02:38:10.040
you snore, dude. How do you know? You got a thick

02:38:10.040 --> 02:38:13.180
neck. I wear a mouthpiece. I wear a mouthpiece

02:38:13.180 --> 02:38:15.440
to keep from snoring. You put a mouthpiece in

02:38:15.440 --> 02:38:16.920
to go to bed. He snored so bad he had to get

02:38:16.920 --> 02:38:19.840
technology involved. Yeah. No, I had to. I have

02:38:19.840 --> 02:38:22.120
sleep apnea. Before you go to bed, you go, goodnight,

02:38:22.139 --> 02:38:24.600
honey. Yeah, I put my mouthpiece in. Like an

02:38:24.600 --> 02:38:27.739
MMA mouthpiece? I fuck with it on. I don't respect

02:38:27.739 --> 02:38:30.180
women enough to not snore in front of them. Well,

02:38:30.200 --> 02:38:34.180
the problem is I don't sleep good. I will choke

02:38:34.180 --> 02:38:36.799
in the sleep in the middle of the night. I snore

02:38:36.799 --> 02:38:38.459
too. I have sleep apnea. Oh, I'm getting there.

02:38:38.680 --> 02:38:41.860
Yeah. You can get there. Oh, I'm there. Did you

02:38:41.860 --> 02:38:43.680
notice it where you would literally be like...

02:38:44.219 --> 02:38:45.719
Like when you wake up, you're like, oh, I'm out

02:38:45.719 --> 02:38:47.700
of breath? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, fuck, I'm already

02:38:47.700 --> 02:38:49.819
there. I got sleep apnea. I guarantee you haven't.

02:38:49.819 --> 02:38:50.840
I was stunned when I found out how bad it is.

02:38:50.840 --> 02:38:52.500
It's an obese person's disease. It's fat people.

02:38:52.739 --> 02:38:56.620
Well, you're 75 years old, dude. Okay, Reggie

02:38:56.620 --> 02:38:57.440
White died of it. Back in his day, they just

02:38:57.440 --> 02:38:59.780
died. They didn't know any better. They didn't

02:38:59.780 --> 02:39:02.920
even write it down. That's how Reggie White died.

02:39:03.079 --> 02:39:05.979
I actually wouldn't mind a little bit of sleep

02:39:05.979 --> 02:39:08.360
apnea as far as me passing away. You have it.

02:39:08.360 --> 02:39:10.139
Congratulations. I do. I know I have it. You

02:39:10.139 --> 02:39:12.209
definitely have it. Yeah. I'm looking at you.

02:39:12.229 --> 02:39:14.370
You have it. Joey has it. Joey brings a machine

02:39:14.370 --> 02:39:15.610
with him. You think I'm Joey Diaz? No, you're

02:39:15.610 --> 02:39:17.750
not that bad. God damn it. Joey has a CPAP machine

02:39:17.750 --> 02:39:19.569
that he brings with him. Yeah, he does. It changes

02:39:19.569 --> 02:39:21.610
life. My dad does that. He sleeps like a baby

02:39:21.610 --> 02:39:23.750
with that thing. God damn it. My girlfriend's

02:39:23.750 --> 02:39:24.709
always like, I thought you were going to die.

02:39:24.889 --> 02:39:27.909
It's like that. Yeah, that one. Do you think

02:39:27.909 --> 02:39:29.750
you have it? I think I have it. You got abs.

02:39:30.530 --> 02:39:32.729
Yeah, but I can't breathe. At night, I snore

02:39:32.729 --> 02:39:35.649
so loud. Sleep on your back. I do. Sleep on your

02:39:35.649 --> 02:39:37.950
stomach. It's an anatomy thing. It's your tongue

02:39:37.950 --> 02:39:41.909
and the hole. Some guys have a big dick. Some

02:39:41.909 --> 02:39:43.709
guys have a little mouth hole. You keep making

02:39:43.709 --> 02:39:45.549
fun of my weight. I'm not making fun of it. I'm

02:39:45.549 --> 02:39:47.729
legitimately concerned for you. I'm not making

02:39:47.729 --> 02:39:49.090
fun of it. I think it's fine. You know what we

02:39:49.090 --> 02:39:50.850
need to do? You know what we need to do? What?

02:39:51.149 --> 02:40:00.770
Save the park, man. You pussy. Bro, let's save

02:40:00.770 --> 02:40:05.510
the park or something. I'm 70. Oh, my God. With

02:40:05.510 --> 02:40:09.010
his frail bones waving a sign. You're the guy

02:40:09.010 --> 02:40:12.190
doing Tai Chi at 4 a .m. He's holding up a sign

02:40:12.190 --> 02:40:13.969
with his bad shoulder and it hurts. With none

02:40:13.969 --> 02:40:17.190
of his antibodies. Zero antibodies. Biden voter,

02:40:17.329 --> 02:40:20.170
dude. You took the vaccine and it barely worked

02:40:20.170 --> 02:40:23.049
on you. I haven't got it! The three of us in

02:40:23.049 --> 02:40:24.309
this room have amazing... You didn't get the

02:40:24.309 --> 02:40:26.870
vaccine? I didn't get the virus. I think it's

02:40:26.870 --> 02:40:31.389
fake. I think it's fake. You have company on

02:40:31.389 --> 02:40:33.750
Reddit. That's right. I don't like saying the

02:40:33.750 --> 02:40:35.590
vaccine's fake because that's not the type of

02:40:35.590 --> 02:40:39.049
guy I am. How about this? The COVID virus is

02:40:39.049 --> 02:40:42.270
as bad as the Holocaust. Wow. Either happened

02:40:42.270 --> 02:40:44.350
or didn't. You might be exaggerating. You know

02:40:44.350 --> 02:40:48.350
what? I don't like this. Oh, my God. Can I get

02:40:48.350 --> 02:40:50.889
another BL? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to hurry

02:40:50.889 --> 02:40:52.430
up. The show starts in eight minutes. The show

02:40:52.430 --> 02:40:54.209
starts when we get there. Dude, when I was on

02:40:54.209 --> 02:40:55.770
the road with Rogan, he would always leave like

02:40:55.770 --> 02:40:57.350
40 minutes late for no reason. That's not true.

02:40:57.450 --> 02:40:59.069
You're exaggerating. And then we get to the show,

02:40:59.090 --> 02:41:00.069
like, hey, it was supposed to start five minutes

02:41:00.069 --> 02:41:01.729
ago. And Joe's like, hey, they're not going to

02:41:01.729 --> 02:41:04.190
start without us. Whatever. But I go in, like,

02:41:04.270 --> 02:41:07.690
you're on right now. Hans Kim can stretch. It's

02:41:07.690 --> 02:41:09.629
a little bit of an exaggeration. A little bit.

02:41:10.120 --> 02:41:11.540
thing. I didn't want him to freak out before

02:41:11.540 --> 02:41:13.379
the show. I'm like, it doesn't matter. We're

02:41:13.379 --> 02:41:15.840
here. We're the show. And when we started doing

02:41:15.840 --> 02:41:17.780
theaters, especially, they always started late.

02:41:17.879 --> 02:41:20.020
They never see people on time. What are you,

02:41:20.059 --> 02:41:22.180
a black comic? Come on. We got a show to do.

02:41:22.659 --> 02:41:25.319
I'm there on time, but I'm not, like, I know

02:41:25.319 --> 02:41:26.920
the show's not gonna start at 8. You gotta watch

02:41:26.920 --> 02:41:33.059
what you say. Some of the stuff you said tonight.

02:41:34.030 --> 02:41:37.690
Has pissed me off. Oh, shit. Sorry. He's on number

02:41:37.690 --> 02:41:39.709
eight, ladies and gentlemen. Bud Light number

02:41:39.709 --> 02:41:42.129
eight. These guys have fun, dude. He just gets

02:41:42.129 --> 02:41:43.530
them. They just pile up. You don't even know.

02:41:43.750 --> 02:41:47.370
Oh, yeah. I like how he's in an IV drip of alcohol,

02:41:47.530 --> 02:41:50.889
essentially. And then I'm like, I like to take

02:41:50.889 --> 02:41:53.510
it in fucking pill form. It gets stuck right

02:41:53.510 --> 02:41:56.989
away. Vodka form. Bud Lights are barely booze.

02:41:57.030 --> 02:41:58.989
The Shane Buzz. That's what they say. And then

02:41:58.989 --> 02:42:02.180
you drink ten of them. Yeah. And that's the move.

02:42:02.440 --> 02:42:05.739
That's the move. You guys do IVs? Why don't you

02:42:05.739 --> 02:42:08.000
guys move here, please? I'll move here. Open

02:42:08.000 --> 02:42:10.360
that club. I'll move here. It's on the way. We're

02:42:10.360 --> 02:42:13.889
going to see it. Get it. Jesus Christ. That's

02:42:13.889 --> 02:42:15.510
a keeper. That's like a little trumpet. That's

02:42:15.510 --> 02:42:17.809
a keeper. That's why we do this. A lot of guys

02:42:17.809 --> 02:42:19.690
got excited about fucking your butt after hearing

02:42:19.690 --> 02:42:21.850
that. Like, that is a tight little trumpet. Bring

02:42:21.850 --> 02:42:24.489
it on, gays. Some bitch scientist is going to

02:42:24.489 --> 02:42:26.870
be on that mic. Like, hey, Joe, have you thought

02:42:26.870 --> 02:42:30.250
about this? Some bitch scientist. Just talking

02:42:30.250 --> 02:42:32.729
straight to a fart. Son of a bitch. You got Elon

02:42:32.729 --> 02:42:34.670
Musk on this mic. We're going to put a plastic

02:42:34.670 --> 02:42:37.110
bag over that and seal it until the next time

02:42:37.110 --> 02:42:39.489
you're here so you can smell your own fart. I

02:42:39.489 --> 02:42:41.340
wish Bernie Sanders had smelled that. Jamie,

02:42:41.340 --> 02:42:43.920
buy an extra mic so that no one uses that mic

02:42:43.920 --> 02:42:46.399
ever again. No, no, no. Let Jamie Rush remove

02:42:46.399 --> 02:42:49.000
that every week. If I will never get the scientist,

02:42:49.219 --> 02:42:50.860
you're going to ruin my business model. Joe,

02:42:50.860 --> 02:42:52.520
Joe. My fourth fart. I need to tell you about

02:42:52.520 --> 02:42:55.120
this. No, give me Trump. I thought that was Trump.

02:42:55.200 --> 02:42:57.479
Trump it. No, Joe. Give me Trump with scientists.

02:42:58.040 --> 02:43:00.700
Joe, there's a lot of scientists out there. There's

02:43:00.700 --> 02:43:02.620
these guys. They come in here. They talk to you.

02:43:02.639 --> 02:43:05.239
They don't know what they're saying. They talk

02:43:05.239 --> 02:43:08.360
to you about. Getting pussy, I get pussy a lot

02:43:08.360 --> 02:43:12.540
of times. When you're drunk, he gets better.

02:43:12.760 --> 02:43:14.399
Yeah, true. Trump gets better. We'll have a little

02:43:14.399 --> 02:43:17.379
more. You know that Trump dating thing? Yes.

02:43:17.420 --> 02:43:19.319
You know the chick who's into him at the end?

02:43:19.440 --> 02:43:21.000
Yes, yes, yes. That's my social media manager.

02:43:21.260 --> 02:43:24.219
Oh, that's hilarious. That's hilarious. I wonder

02:43:24.219 --> 02:43:28.959
if Trump has seen your Trump. I bet he has. I

02:43:28.959 --> 02:43:34.520
bet he has. We made a video called. Me and McKeever

02:43:34.520 --> 02:43:36.719
worked for this guy. I'm not going to name him.

02:43:36.959 --> 02:43:39.180
Russell McKeever? Anyway, we made a video and

02:43:39.180 --> 02:43:43.440
Don Jr. retweeted it. Shut up. We made one sketch

02:43:43.440 --> 02:43:45.239
and we were like, let's not make it political.

02:43:46.119 --> 02:43:49.639
immediately Don Jr. retweeted like fuck I guess

02:43:49.639 --> 02:43:52.540
it was Don Jr. and I had a mutual friend and

02:43:52.540 --> 02:43:55.680
he committed suicide Jesus ah man you keep doing

02:43:55.680 --> 02:43:57.620
that is it the same guy that jumped off that

02:43:57.620 --> 02:44:00.020
bridge different guy a lot of guys kill him yeah

02:44:00.020 --> 02:44:01.639
I know quite a few guys are they Clintons or

02:44:01.639 --> 02:44:04.799
are they killing themselves no this guy unfortunately

02:44:05.840 --> 02:44:09.899
Did himself in. But Don Jr. is very online savvy.

02:44:10.200 --> 02:44:13.440
It's hilarious when you watch the son of a president

02:44:13.440 --> 02:44:18.940
who is making shit jokes about the vice president.

02:44:19.100 --> 02:44:22.280
Pull up his page. He's got a meme about Biden

02:44:22.280 --> 02:44:27.319
farting. Remember, this is a guy who is very

02:44:27.319 --> 02:44:32.280
politically visible. He's the son of the president

02:44:32.280 --> 02:44:34.159
of the United States, the most polarizing president

02:44:34.159 --> 02:44:36.319
ever. This is the kind of shit that he puts on

02:44:36.319 --> 02:44:41.840
his Instagram. Look at this. It's Joe Biden standing

02:44:41.840 --> 02:44:43.840
next to the Pope, and the Pope says, was that

02:44:43.840 --> 02:44:48.479
a fart? And Biden says, some of it. Wow. I mean,

02:44:48.500 --> 02:44:50.379
how crazy is this? Who are these people that

02:44:50.379 --> 02:44:54.319
liked it? Anybody? Who checks? Who's Ricky? 294

02:44:54.319 --> 02:44:57.069
,000 people. I know. You go get an audit. No,

02:44:57.069 --> 02:45:00.430
but who's Ricky Bell, whatever the... Well, James

02:45:00.430 --> 02:45:02.709
Vick is a dude who used to fight in the UFC.

02:45:03.469 --> 02:45:05.469
Shout out to James Vick. Shout out to James Vick.

02:45:06.370 --> 02:45:07.549
One of the best DJs in the world. I mean, my

02:45:07.549 --> 02:45:10.430
dad would literally jerk off to that meme. It's

02:45:10.430 --> 02:45:12.049
a funny meme. That would make my dad... That's

02:45:12.049 --> 02:45:14.510
hilarious. Probably, by the way, made in Russia.

02:45:15.049 --> 02:45:17.010
That meme? Yeah. That's the thing about a lot

02:45:17.010 --> 02:45:18.610
of these memes that people don't know. There's

02:45:18.610 --> 02:45:21.209
a thing called the Internet Research Agency in

02:45:21.209 --> 02:45:23.149
Russia. Russians are hilarious. And this woman

02:45:23.149 --> 02:45:25.569
that's been on this podcast named Renee DiResta,

02:45:25.709 --> 02:45:27.569
and she did like a deep dive into this thing.

02:45:27.670 --> 02:45:29.709
She found hundreds of thousands of hilarious

02:45:29.709 --> 02:45:32.729
memes, and they had come out of Russia. So all

02:45:32.729 --> 02:45:35.489
these memes shitting on Hillary Clinton and like

02:45:35.489 --> 02:45:37.270
a lot of them you get that are hilarious, they're

02:45:37.270 --> 02:45:39.809
made in Russia, and they're made to sow the seeds

02:45:39.809 --> 02:45:42.969
of dissent. That they're so funny that they're

02:45:42.969 --> 02:45:46.059
divisive. Russian comedians. They're obviously

02:45:46.059 --> 02:45:49.520
hilarious. It's a different style of comedy.

02:45:49.780 --> 02:45:52.540
Meme style is so different than stand -up. That's

02:45:52.540 --> 02:45:55.219
true. It's so different. I've never made a single

02:45:55.219 --> 02:45:58.360
meme. Have you made a couple? Yeah, you make

02:45:58.360 --> 02:46:01.120
a meme, it's fun. It's a style of thinking, though,

02:46:01.239 --> 02:46:03.520
that you don't... You could be a guy in a cubicle.

02:46:06.459 --> 02:46:09.100
Yeah, you make a meme, it's pretty good. And

02:46:09.100 --> 02:46:11.000
they look at us for expert analysis. Beer number

02:46:11.000 --> 02:46:13.879
10, look at his fucking pile. He goes so fast.

02:46:14.489 --> 02:46:16.209
Some of them are from the Russians. A lot of

02:46:16.209 --> 02:46:17.709
people are saying the Russians are making the

02:46:17.709 --> 02:46:21.750
memes. Not good. I don't think Russians have

02:46:21.750 --> 02:46:23.889
comedy clubs. Not good. Do they? Do they have

02:46:23.889 --> 02:46:25.870
comedy clubs in Russia? That's a very good question.

02:46:26.010 --> 02:46:28.770
I guarantee you. Russia, Moscow. Gaffigan. Schultz

02:46:28.770 --> 02:46:31.649
did Russia. Schultz went to Russia like a fucking

02:46:31.649 --> 02:46:33.610
gangster and just did stand -up and wasn't even

02:46:33.610 --> 02:46:35.309
sure if they could speak English. Schultz has

02:46:35.309 --> 02:46:36.950
been everywhere. That's pretty Schultz -like.

02:46:37.170 --> 02:46:39.510
That's Schultz. He's a bad motherfucker. He's

02:46:39.510 --> 02:46:42.610
the best. He's such a great guy. I like Schultz.

02:46:42.709 --> 02:46:45.840
I do too. I like Schultz. I like Schultz. Wow.

02:46:46.219 --> 02:46:49.120
What are you doing with your fingers? He's trying

02:46:49.120 --> 02:46:53.319
to get them sniffed. I'm getting rowdy. Ari,

02:46:53.379 --> 02:46:55.420
you might have to fight him. That's him on stage

02:46:55.420 --> 02:46:58.370
in front of a bunch of Russians. Oh, wow. Schultz

02:46:58.370 --> 02:47:00.090
will go anywhere, and he sells out. I love it.

02:47:00.309 --> 02:47:02.350
I love that he did it. In Russian culture, it's

02:47:02.350 --> 02:47:04.530
very disrespectful to slap the mic against your

02:47:04.530 --> 02:47:08.750
thigh. I thought that was Chappelle's gig. Chappelle

02:47:08.750 --> 02:47:10.989
fucked that up for everybody. Every black comic.

02:47:11.030 --> 02:47:13.250
Look how Russian that crowd looks. White crowd

02:47:13.250 --> 02:47:15.190
in Russia. Oh, my God. It looks like a bunch

02:47:15.190 --> 02:47:18.290
of fucking pale assassins. Well, they're Russian.

02:47:18.670 --> 02:47:21.370
And a lot of ladies, too. A lot of ladies. That's

02:47:21.370 --> 02:47:23.129
a great club, by the way. Look at the fucking

02:47:23.129 --> 02:47:25.729
dynamics. That's what you want. Can we get the

02:47:25.729 --> 02:47:28.290
name of that club? Do me a favor, Jamie. Take

02:47:28.290 --> 02:47:31.090
a screenshot of exactly that and send it to me

02:47:31.090 --> 02:47:33.229
because that's the perfect size stage. Hold on.

02:47:33.329 --> 02:47:34.969
I want to show you this. Yeah, I'm going to send

02:47:34.969 --> 02:47:38.350
it to you. Oh, for the thing. For your club.

02:47:38.510 --> 02:47:43.340
Do it in Trump. What? I'll shut up then. Joe,

02:47:43.340 --> 02:47:44.159
when's your club going to open? I don't know

02:47:44.159 --> 02:47:46.219
what you're going to say. We'll talk tomorrow.

02:47:46.399 --> 02:47:49.159
I'll show you what we need to do and what's going

02:47:49.159 --> 02:47:52.159
to happen, but it's pretty awesome. It's going

02:47:52.159 --> 02:47:54.159
to be amazing. Exciting. I'm excited. Gun range?

02:47:54.159 --> 02:47:56.399
I'm fucking pumped. No, but there's one that's

02:47:56.399 --> 02:47:58.500
nearby that I have a membership to. Let's drink

02:47:58.500 --> 02:48:01.200
and go. Well, we have to do a show. I've been

02:48:01.200 --> 02:48:03.540
thinking about buying an MPX ever since you and

02:48:03.540 --> 02:48:06.090
me went to that fucking... Oh, yeah. I took Shane

02:48:06.090 --> 02:48:09.610
to Terra Tactical. Oh, really? In L .A.? We shot

02:48:09.610 --> 02:48:14.250
guns. Terra Tactical? Exactly. You guys were

02:48:14.250 --> 02:48:16.690
in L .A. together? He was in L .A., and I said,

02:48:16.709 --> 02:48:18.049
what are you doing? I said, do you want to shoot

02:48:18.049 --> 02:48:20.770
guns? He's like, fuck yeah. So I took him, and

02:48:20.770 --> 02:48:22.629
they taught him how to shoot guns. What was that?

02:48:22.649 --> 02:48:24.409
Went through a tactical course. What was that?

02:48:24.450 --> 02:48:26.569
Yeah, of course. No, because I think less of

02:48:26.569 --> 02:48:29.129
you than most people do, so it's like a negative

02:48:29.129 --> 02:48:31.049
thing, I thought. I like shooting guns, and then

02:48:31.049 --> 02:48:34.430
he said, let's shoot guns. Shit was cool. You're

02:48:34.430 --> 02:48:36.370
reading into it. But he got a chance to do a

02:48:36.370 --> 02:48:38.309
whole. I'll kill you with a gun, dude. You're

02:48:38.309 --> 02:48:40.049
lucky there's not a gun here, dude. What would

02:48:40.049 --> 02:48:41.750
you do? What would you do? I'd go like this.

02:48:43.729 --> 02:48:45.969
Pistol whip and Mozambique. That's not bad. That's

02:48:45.969 --> 02:48:48.229
not bad. Mozambique. That's what it's called,

02:48:48.270 --> 02:48:50.030
that move? I would fucking kill you with a gun.

02:48:50.779 --> 02:48:53.020
It's two to the chest, one to the head. Damn.

02:48:53.120 --> 02:48:55.040
That's the Mozambique. That's how you would be

02:48:55.040 --> 02:48:58.120
treated by me, with a firearm. Wouldn't you feel

02:48:58.120 --> 02:49:00.459
like a stupid -ass idiot? You wouldn't do it.

02:49:00.680 --> 02:49:02.399
I'll treat you like fucking Gomez will treat

02:49:02.399 --> 02:49:04.940
Ellis. I'll fucking knock you down. $1 ,000.

02:49:05.200 --> 02:49:06.059
What am I going to spend it on? Ellis is about

02:49:06.059 --> 02:49:08.940
to fucking rain terror on Gomez. Give me that

02:49:08.940 --> 02:49:12.260
$1 ,000. I want it at once. That poor son. What

02:49:12.260 --> 02:49:13.860
am I going to do with that $1 ,000? I should

02:49:13.860 --> 02:49:16.319
donate it. I drank enough to be back on Lewis.

02:49:16.540 --> 02:49:18.299
If you donate something I hate, I'll be so mad

02:49:18.299 --> 02:49:20.040
at you. I'll donate it to get rid of the East.

02:49:20.239 --> 02:49:24.540
river park to the real estate developers they're

02:49:24.540 --> 02:49:26.200
like what the fuck is this let's put all the

02:49:26.200 --> 02:49:30.920
donation joe you buy it joe buy the park how

02:49:30.920 --> 02:49:34.260
much can you get a park for i don't know you

02:49:34.260 --> 02:49:36.139
can do it dude you gotta call de blasio and get

02:49:36.139 --> 02:49:39.680
it get a piece imagine imagine if that guy becomes

02:49:39.680 --> 02:49:42.260
president And treats the United States the way

02:49:42.260 --> 02:49:44.440
he does. What the fuck are you talking about?

02:49:44.500 --> 02:49:46.700
Look who's president. Look who's president now.

02:49:46.979 --> 02:49:49.139
He didn't get ousted. He did two terms as the

02:49:49.139 --> 02:49:51.100
mayor. And he wasn't allowed to do more? Is that

02:49:51.100 --> 02:49:52.559
how it works? I don't know, but he's not the

02:49:52.559 --> 02:49:55.360
mayor anymore. He's got like a couple of months

02:49:55.360 --> 02:49:57.899
left. He's basically a lame duck. Who? Biden

02:49:57.899 --> 02:50:02.459
is the biggest fucking government agent in the

02:50:02.459 --> 02:50:04.540
planet. He's the president of the United States

02:50:04.540 --> 02:50:06.620
of America. Pretty sweet. And he can barely talk.

02:50:07.020 --> 02:50:09.180
I'll tell you what, if Joe Biden was here right

02:50:09.180 --> 02:50:11.120
now, I might give him a knuckle sandwich. Dude,

02:50:11.120 --> 02:50:12.940
you should. What would you say to him? If you

02:50:12.940 --> 02:50:14.719
were Trump and you were talking to Joe Biden?

02:50:14.920 --> 02:50:18.979
Wow, this guy, what a failure. Why is that, John?

02:50:19.860 --> 02:50:21.879
I feel like their sons would get along. Do you

02:50:21.879 --> 02:50:23.299
think he pooped his pants? Is that real? Yeah,

02:50:23.299 --> 02:50:25.180
they would. A lot of people say he pooped his

02:50:25.180 --> 02:50:28.180
pants. He went to the Vatican. The Pope, more

02:50:28.180 --> 02:50:31.260
like the poop. That's what we said. Poop. A lot

02:50:31.260 --> 02:50:33.979
of us had a lot of jokes about that. Poop Benedict.

02:50:35.340 --> 02:50:38.379
Or whatever. Both their sons are co -kids. Yeah,

02:50:38.440 --> 02:50:40.200
they would get along. That's an interesting point.

02:50:40.440 --> 02:50:42.540
Uh -huh. I don't know if Don Jr. is a co -kid.

02:50:42.620 --> 02:50:44.040
Do you think Don Jr. is a co -kid? Is that what

02:50:44.040 --> 02:50:46.180
you're saying? Yeah. I didn't say that. I bought

02:50:46.180 --> 02:50:48.799
it off him. I'm in. I don't think this is a true

02:50:48.799 --> 02:50:50.639
story. That's probably true. They do look like

02:50:50.639 --> 02:50:52.559
they do. Let's hope he doesn't get litigious.

02:50:53.069 --> 02:50:54.690
How about that? There's nothing wrong with being

02:50:54.690 --> 02:50:56.430
a cokehead. I don't think he's a cokehead. No,

02:50:56.489 --> 02:51:00.110
nobody's a cokehead. But Biden's kid likes to

02:51:00.110 --> 02:51:02.350
party. I'm telling you what. If I had to choose

02:51:02.350 --> 02:51:04.670
one dude to go to New Orleans with, it would

02:51:04.670 --> 02:51:08.270
be Biden's kid. Hunter Biden? Oh, yeah. 100%.

02:51:08.270 --> 02:51:11.149
If there's a fucking president's son that's ever

02:51:11.149 --> 02:51:13.729
lived that I want to hang out with, I'd try to

02:51:13.729 --> 02:51:16.489
get him in here. What? Hunter Biden? Yes. He's

02:51:16.489 --> 02:51:20.649
an artist. Yes. Wow. That would be good. He'd

02:51:20.649 --> 02:51:23.069
be like, I trust you. Show me a good time. Well,

02:51:23.069 --> 02:51:24.690
this is what I would say, honestly, and this

02:51:24.690 --> 02:51:28.209
is my thought going forward, if he ever listens

02:51:28.209 --> 02:51:30.149
to this. I'm not trying to make you look bad.

02:51:30.350 --> 02:51:32.290
No, you never do that. I couldn't imagine what

02:51:32.290 --> 02:51:34.049
it would be like to be the son of a president,

02:51:34.129 --> 02:51:36.030
and I'm not going to ask any embarrassing questions

02:51:36.030 --> 02:51:38.690
about money. I want to know about your art. I

02:51:38.690 --> 02:51:41.670
want to know about... Your art. Yeah. Bro, he's

02:51:41.670 --> 02:51:43.569
selling... Are you interested in his art? No,

02:51:43.569 --> 02:51:45.969
no, no. He's selling a shitload of money. If

02:51:45.969 --> 02:51:47.409
he wasn't the vice president's son, you wouldn't

02:51:47.409 --> 02:51:49.069
be interested in his art. Of course I would be

02:51:49.069 --> 02:51:51.450
because he's the vice president's son. He's selling

02:51:51.450 --> 02:51:53.309
art for like $100 ,000. No, he's the president's

02:51:53.309 --> 02:51:54.889
son, not just the vice president. Oh, did I say

02:51:54.889 --> 02:51:56.290
vice president? Vice president and then president.

02:51:56.290 --> 02:51:58.270
How dare you disrespect the... Disrespectful?

02:51:58.440 --> 02:52:00.600
You don't believe in democracy. I'll come over

02:52:00.600 --> 02:52:02.780
there and give you a shank leg kick. Look, it's

02:52:02.780 --> 02:52:06.860
art. It fails to attract visitors after sparking

02:52:06.860 --> 02:52:09.379
controversy pricing one of his paintings at 500k.

02:52:09.500 --> 02:52:13.100
Hunter, holler at your boy. We can fix this.

02:52:13.559 --> 02:52:15.799
Man, he's got beautiful eyes. He's a handsome

02:52:15.799 --> 02:52:17.670
man. What if he had to do blow on his side and

02:52:17.670 --> 02:52:19.209
come back every 20 minutes? He likes to party.

02:52:19.389 --> 02:52:21.610
He's got Coke lips. They're all dried out. He

02:52:21.610 --> 02:52:25.489
did a little Coke. He likes to party. But I don't

02:52:25.489 --> 02:52:27.829
want to attack this guy. I don't. It's not his

02:52:27.829 --> 02:52:30.170
fault that his fucking dad used to be the vice

02:52:30.170 --> 02:52:31.829
president and then became the president. It's

02:52:31.829 --> 02:52:33.750
not his fault that he got hooked on Coke. A lot

02:52:33.750 --> 02:52:35.030
of friends that I have that have been hooked

02:52:35.030 --> 02:52:36.649
on Coke. Wasn't there more damning things other

02:52:36.649 --> 02:52:40.870
than Coke? There was a laptop. What about wives

02:52:40.870 --> 02:52:43.290
of brothers or something? There's a little bit

02:52:43.290 --> 02:52:45.770
of that. Listen, dude, they're Illuminati. you.

02:52:45.829 --> 02:52:48.250
You wouldn't be in here for that episode. Listen,

02:52:48.649 --> 02:52:50.909
if you ever want to find that information out,

02:52:50.989 --> 02:52:53.479
you can go online. I want to find out, like,

02:52:53.520 --> 02:52:57.200
what is it like to be that guy? That's my take

02:52:57.200 --> 02:53:00.159
on things. Anybody can talk scandalous and make

02:53:00.159 --> 02:53:01.579
them uncomfortable. I want to make them comfortable.

02:53:01.879 --> 02:53:03.959
I want to know, like, look, you're a human fucking

02:53:03.959 --> 02:53:07.399
being. I would be him if I was in his life. So

02:53:07.399 --> 02:53:09.219
would you. So would you. So would you. We would

02:53:09.219 --> 02:53:11.299
all be him if we were born in that fucking family.

02:53:11.399 --> 02:53:14.159
No, I'd still be Jack. I'd be Jack no matter

02:53:14.159 --> 02:53:16.219
what. And then I'll keep it quiet. The son's

02:53:16.219 --> 02:53:18.139
a powerful person. Look at Chet Hanks. He's fucked.

02:53:19.479 --> 02:53:21.930
Chet Hanks is fucked. It's like that old expression.

02:53:22.030 --> 02:53:23.469
Yeah, he does a lot of rapping. Chet Hanks is

02:53:23.469 --> 02:53:29.549
not fucked, dude. White boy summer. Chet Hanks.

02:53:29.569 --> 02:53:31.389
White boy summer. Shout out Chet Hanks. Damn

02:53:31.389 --> 02:53:34.350
rude boy. Damn real rude boy. Chet Hanks. I like

02:53:34.350 --> 02:53:36.690
him. Oh, my God. I think he's good. He made a

02:53:36.690 --> 02:53:41.450
fucking LP and it went number one. It would go

02:53:41.450 --> 02:53:43.250
number one. It would go number one and signal

02:53:43.250 --> 02:53:45.209
the end of society. I'm surprised it hasn't happened

02:53:45.209 --> 02:53:47.129
already. It's going to happen. By the way, Hans

02:53:47.129 --> 02:53:49.170
Kim is shitting blood right now. He's at the

02:53:49.170 --> 02:53:53.670
show. He's been working with me for a long time.

02:53:53.709 --> 02:53:56.670
The show starts at 8? Yeah. We're good. How far

02:53:56.670 --> 02:53:59.909
is it? What have you been saying about me all

02:53:59.909 --> 02:54:02.190
this time? The show will start when we get there.

02:54:02.549 --> 02:54:05.790
I didn't really mind when that happened. Shane's

02:54:05.790 --> 02:54:07.850
up first. They're waiting on him. Listen, Ari.

02:54:08.010 --> 02:54:09.590
You think I'm first? I thought you said that.

02:54:09.590 --> 02:54:12.329
We made this work with you. We ran shut. We made

02:54:12.329 --> 02:54:15.629
this work. That was a Josh. I just joked. He

02:54:15.629 --> 02:54:20.010
seems like a fun guy. Okay, stop this. Stop this

02:54:20.010 --> 02:54:21.750
right now. Get him off the screen. I'm terrified

02:54:21.750 --> 02:54:24.190
that that could be my son. He's joking. Wait,

02:54:24.209 --> 02:54:27.049
you have a son? No, but if I had one. Oh. That

02:54:27.049 --> 02:54:28.989
kid. I was going to say, I got turned on. I watched

02:54:28.989 --> 02:54:31.629
the interview with him. You got turned on? Did

02:54:31.629 --> 02:54:33.750
you see him talk about Biden? No, but he was

02:54:33.750 --> 02:54:35.010
doing the thing there. He's like, oh, everybody,

02:54:35.209 --> 02:54:37.090
I need you to get your vaccines. I need you to

02:54:37.090 --> 02:54:39.530
do that. In the honor of President Biden. Fuck

02:54:39.530 --> 02:54:44.350
that damn blood clot, President Biden. It's so

02:54:44.350 --> 02:54:47.629
funny. If this was a weekly show, it would be

02:54:47.629 --> 02:54:48.549
the biggest show in the fucking country. This

02:54:48.549 --> 02:54:49.729
would be a fun one. It would be the greatest

02:54:49.729 --> 02:54:51.069
show in the country. We should do it. We need

02:54:51.069 --> 02:54:51.670
a block in here. We should figure out a way to

02:54:51.670 --> 02:54:53.370
stop on our way somewhere. Yeah, I'd pass away.

02:54:53.370 --> 02:54:55.069
Listen, I'll fly you guys in anytime you want

02:54:55.069 --> 02:54:58.129
to do it. Really? That's a big offer, Joe. 100%.

02:54:58.129 --> 02:55:00.549
Easy, Joe Joe Rabbit. Let me know. We take those

02:55:00.549 --> 02:55:03.090
Delta pre -choosing seats. And news radio money.

02:55:03.450 --> 02:55:06.370
Anytime. Anytime. I got hardball money. So we

02:55:06.370 --> 02:55:08.290
stand at your place. I did tell Joe. I was like,

02:55:08.350 --> 02:55:10.389
hey, we're going to be in Houston on this day.

02:55:10.489 --> 02:55:12.670
Can we sleep at your house? No. Can I sleep at

02:55:12.670 --> 02:55:14.770
your house? If everyone knew in advance, the

02:55:14.770 --> 02:55:18.110
problem is I can't have you snoring and my fucking

02:55:18.110 --> 02:55:20.690
11 -year -old comes running into my room. Where's

02:55:20.690 --> 02:55:23.510
the gun? Daddy, where's the gun? My 11 -year

02:55:23.510 --> 02:55:25.719
-old knows how to shoot a gun. Can I sleep in

02:55:25.719 --> 02:55:28.180
your house? Jamie, your place? If my kids knew...

02:55:28.180 --> 02:55:30.280
Can I sleep in your house? Listen, my kids will

02:55:30.280 --> 02:55:31.899
shoot you, and I'm not kidding. What the heck?

02:55:31.899 --> 02:55:33.520
They're going to shoot me? If they didn't know

02:55:33.520 --> 02:55:35.459
you were in the house, and you were in the house

02:55:35.459 --> 02:55:38.020
in the hallway, they'll fucking shoot you. Why

02:55:38.020 --> 02:55:39.479
the fuck are your kids shooting me? They don't

02:55:39.479 --> 02:55:41.040
know you. Because they're trained, dude. They

02:55:41.040 --> 02:55:42.700
don't know you. They're trained. Tell them I'm

02:55:42.700 --> 02:55:44.299
coming. No, no, no. You're a big white guy who

02:55:44.299 --> 02:55:45.920
snores. It's not going to end well. If you were

02:55:45.920 --> 02:55:47.620
black, it'd be all right. I thought his middle

02:55:47.620 --> 02:55:50.639
name was Tactical. Can I sleep in the guest room?

02:55:50.840 --> 02:55:54.680
You can sleep in the guest room. I can lay out

02:55:54.680 --> 02:55:57.459
some sleeping bags in the gym. I'm in. That's

02:55:57.459 --> 02:55:59.299
all we need. I've slept in worse. We're like

02:55:59.299 --> 02:56:01.120
refugees at the border. I will tell you, as soon

02:56:01.120 --> 02:56:02.200
as I made this offer, I was like, hey, we're

02:56:02.200 --> 02:56:05.520
going to be in Houston on the 3rd. Any interest

02:56:05.520 --> 02:56:07.379
in having a podcast on the 2nd? Joe's like, yes,

02:56:07.420 --> 02:56:11.709
I'm in. Lock it up. 100%. Yeah, I was ready to

02:56:11.709 --> 02:56:13.909
cancel anything that was in the way. Really?

02:56:14.069 --> 02:56:16.889
Yeah. Some dork scientists? I'll fly those dork

02:56:16.889 --> 02:56:17.629
scientists in next week. Bring a dork scientist

02:56:17.629 --> 02:56:19.489
out here. I'll give him a knuckle of sand. I'll

02:56:19.489 --> 02:56:21.450
fucking cure for cancer. You can bring your mom.

02:56:21.530 --> 02:56:23.809
You can bring your wife. I'll give you a vacation

02:56:23.809 --> 02:56:27.979
in Austin. I just need to do this. That's the

02:56:27.979 --> 02:56:30.639
thing that I miss the most about comedy is hanging

02:56:30.639 --> 02:56:32.760
with comedians. It's the best. It's the best.

02:56:32.780 --> 02:56:34.719
You hear that, Lex Friedman, you fucking nerd?

02:56:35.139 --> 02:56:38.920
Yeah. Take the suit off. You don't like Lex Friedman?

02:56:39.000 --> 02:56:42.020
I love him. We texted earlier. He actually sent

02:56:42.020 --> 02:56:43.700
me a text about you, about how funny you were.

02:56:44.520 --> 02:56:46.399
He's a great guy. Do you want to punch him in

02:56:46.399 --> 02:56:48.700
the belly? No, I think he could fuck me up. He

02:56:48.700 --> 02:56:50.979
knows jujitsu. He does it in a full suit. Yeah,

02:56:51.000 --> 02:56:52.780
you're a black belt in sucker punches. You got

02:56:52.780 --> 02:56:55.840
that right. I whizzed myself. He's experienced

02:56:55.840 --> 02:56:58.959
it. Sucker Punches? Yes. Did you guys wet the

02:56:58.959 --> 02:57:01.120
bed ever as a kid? Oh, yeah. We did a whole podcast

02:57:01.120 --> 02:57:03.280
about it. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Builds character.

02:57:03.879 --> 02:57:05.799
There's a feeling when you're a kid, when you

02:57:05.799 --> 02:57:08.620
are in a dream, and you move up to a urinal.

02:57:08.639 --> 02:57:09.659
Yeah, that's all it is. And you start to pee.

02:57:09.760 --> 02:57:12.440
Every time. And then you realize you're not reeling.

02:57:12.500 --> 02:57:14.299
You're like, oh, shit, I'm sleeping. Oh, fuck,

02:57:14.299 --> 02:57:16.479
this again. That's what R. Kelly was doing. Were

02:57:16.479 --> 02:57:18.420
you a bed wetter? I definitely have definitely

02:57:18.420 --> 02:57:20.440
pissed the bed. No, no, no. I mean, that's really

02:57:20.440 --> 02:57:21.659
weird. No, not regular. Do you think R. Kelly

02:57:21.659 --> 02:57:23.420
was sleepwalking this whole time? The whole time.

02:57:23.420 --> 02:57:25.520
He was dreaming he was peeing, and then the lady

02:57:25.520 --> 02:57:28.620
was in his way. In urinals? Yeah. Some girl was

02:57:28.620 --> 02:57:31.459
in his way and he was urinating. Do you think

02:57:31.459 --> 02:57:33.620
in R. Kelly's dreams he pisses on this short

02:57:33.620 --> 02:57:38.680
urinal? That's a little lady. A child urinal.

02:57:38.700 --> 02:57:42.000
Her face was a urinal cake. A knee urinal. Hitting

02:57:42.000 --> 02:57:45.159
the bullseye. Oh my God, a midget. You ever hear

02:57:45.159 --> 02:57:48.020
this fucking trapped in the closet? Trapped in

02:57:48.020 --> 02:57:50.319
the closet is good. It's unbelievable. But it's

02:57:50.319 --> 02:57:51.860
not as good as that. Do you have your shots?

02:57:52.059 --> 02:57:54.139
Are you vaccinated? No. Do you want to come to?

02:57:54.799 --> 02:57:57.020
You have to be vaccinated, Joe. To go where?

02:57:57.100 --> 02:58:00.180
To Rob's house. Who? Do you want to come to Rob's

02:58:00.180 --> 02:58:02.540
house? Do you have your shots? Oh, that's right.

02:58:02.799 --> 02:58:05.379
That was different. He meant like. Like, you

02:58:05.379 --> 02:58:08.159
know, like hepatitis. Yeah. Oh, do you want to

02:58:08.159 --> 02:58:10.239
come to America? Yeah. That's right. Come to

02:58:10.239 --> 02:58:12.739
America to live it right. Real talk. Real talk

02:58:12.739 --> 02:58:14.319
is one of the greatest things that's ever been

02:58:14.319 --> 02:58:16.139
done. And because he's going to jail, we can

02:58:16.139 --> 02:58:19.280
probably replay it. No. Real talk. Oh, yeah.

02:58:19.639 --> 02:58:22.840
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking

02:58:22.840 --> 02:58:27.920
clothes. Real talk. Wow. Sanjay Gupta. You never

02:58:27.920 --> 02:58:29.760
seen this? Give me some vibes. Oh, shit. We're

02:58:29.760 --> 02:58:31.659
going to close it out on this. I think it's a

02:58:31.659 --> 02:58:34.100
million views. I just want to say to everyone.

02:58:34.159 --> 02:58:36.760
listening. I'm the luckiest person that's ever

02:58:36.760 --> 02:58:40.139
lived. You got that right. Because I... Play

02:58:40.139 --> 02:58:41.700
that. What are you doing? I said it was behind

02:58:41.700 --> 02:58:42.799
the scenes. I wanted to make sure it was the

02:58:42.799 --> 02:58:45.559
right time. No, that's the show. I know. It's

02:58:45.559 --> 02:58:47.020
misleading. That's a cool joke. I just wanted

02:58:47.020 --> 02:58:49.090
to make sure. It does have six main views. It

02:58:49.090 --> 02:58:51.829
starts with this, and then this is how it starts.

02:58:52.030 --> 02:58:54.969
He starts about smoking stogies and talking and

02:58:54.969 --> 02:58:56.069
explaining. That's what we're doing. And then

02:58:56.069 --> 02:58:58.010
the music plays. We're R. Kelly. But back it

02:58:58.010 --> 02:59:00.030
up a little bit. We're R. Kelly. I just want

02:59:00.030 --> 02:59:01.530
to make sure that we didn't skip it. Hey, this

02:59:01.530 --> 02:59:05.770
is for R. Kelly. Have fun. Listen, by no means

02:59:05.770 --> 02:59:08.329
do we endorse any of the atrocities that R. Kelly

02:59:08.329 --> 02:59:09.690
has committed. Atrocities? Joe does not speak

02:59:09.690 --> 02:59:11.809
for me. You're talking about guys having fun?

02:59:11.969 --> 02:59:15.489
I speak for Spotify. Give me some volume. I've

02:59:15.489 --> 02:59:18.270
peed on many kids in my day, but I was letting

02:59:18.270 --> 02:59:20.590
the bed. Let's just go right to the song. I've

02:59:20.590 --> 02:59:22.290
lost control of the crowd. Look at his hair.

02:59:22.510 --> 02:59:24.969
His hair is all over the place. He's smoking

02:59:24.969 --> 02:59:29.850
Sogis. He's doing it for the fans. You forgot

02:59:29.850 --> 02:59:32.549
to take the sticker off. No, no, no. The glasses

02:59:32.549 --> 02:59:37.270
say Gucci, so everyone knows. Oh. Here it goes.

02:59:38.569 --> 02:59:42.469
I was at a club with who? With who? Uh -oh. Get

02:59:42.469 --> 02:59:44.729
the fuck off. She was 12. It gets better. It

02:59:44.729 --> 02:59:46.829
gets better. Hold, please. What? Listen to this.

02:59:46.909 --> 02:59:48.409
This doesn't look like a dungeon. Girl, I'm not

02:59:48.409 --> 02:59:49.590
about to sit up here and argue with you about

02:59:49.590 --> 02:59:53.170
who's to blame. I'll call no names. Real talk.

02:59:53.190 --> 02:59:56.469
See, girl. Only thing I'm trying to establish

02:59:56.469 --> 03:00:00.809
with you is not. Establish. What's right? What's

03:00:00.809 --> 03:00:03.069
wrong? Oh, she's doing his hair. Real talk. Hold

03:00:03.069 --> 03:00:10.840
it. Listen to this. Wait for this. Is that a

03:00:10.840 --> 03:00:29.799
house phone? Hold on. Uh -oh. Oh, she's interrupting

03:00:29.799 --> 03:00:41.020
him. Yeah. Real talk. Imagine this guy's on the

03:00:41.020 --> 03:00:42.500
phone with his friends like that. He's playing

03:00:42.500 --> 03:00:45.959
cards. We're just trying to have a good time,

03:00:45.959 --> 03:00:51.979
dude. Bullshit on my mind! Every man can relate

03:00:51.979 --> 03:00:55.299
to this. You listen to this. What year is this?

03:00:55.540 --> 03:00:58.879
The 80s. I don't know. We played this on the

03:00:58.879 --> 03:01:00.639
podcast about 100 times. Look at that keyboard.

03:01:00.940 --> 03:01:07.280
2005. Are they playing dominoes? All right, for

03:01:07.280 --> 03:01:09.260
real, let's give a shout out to R. Kelly. This

03:01:09.260 --> 03:01:12.399
is my favorite part. He tells, bitch, I wish

03:01:12.399 --> 03:01:14.879
you would burn my motherfucking clothes. Do they

03:01:14.879 --> 03:01:20.200
get Spotify in jail? No, they don't. You never

03:01:20.200 --> 03:01:22.319
know. I don't. Jails are getting pretty good.

03:01:22.500 --> 03:01:23.819
You never know. They might smuggle it in their

03:01:23.819 --> 03:01:26.500
ass. Lori Loughlin's having a good time. We should

03:01:26.500 --> 03:01:29.260
probably get to our show. Yeah. You call my mama's

03:01:29.260 --> 03:01:33.180
house. Oh, my God. Stretch. Someone's stretching.

03:01:33.399 --> 03:01:35.930
Oh, my God. Keep going. Mark Kelly is the best.

03:01:36.649 --> 03:01:40.510
Listen to this. This is not even a song. It's

03:01:40.510 --> 03:01:47.430
better. It's better. It's better. Here we go.

03:02:03.569 --> 03:02:08.829
That's it. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman,

03:02:08.909 --> 03:02:11.469
I love you. Shane Gillis, I love you. Mark Norman,

03:02:11.510 --> 03:02:14.290
out to lunch on YouTube right now. I'm apathetic

03:02:14.290 --> 03:02:17.729
about your existence. I love you all. I love

03:02:17.729 --> 03:02:21.969
everybody listening. Go see these guys tomorrow?

03:02:22.709 --> 03:02:27.989
No, it's way sold out. Try to scalp some tickets.

03:02:29.760 --> 03:02:32.120
Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Ari Shaffir. Find

03:02:32.120 --> 03:02:34.600
them on social media. And we're going to try

03:02:34.600 --> 03:02:36.200
to get them moved to Texas. Goodbye.