Good morning everyone. So I'm gonna get right
into this. I struggle sometimes with am I supposed
to record this? Am I supposed to journal this?
Am I supposed to say this out loud as I'm driving?
Am I supposed to say this to myself? And again,
I do look for the signs, but sometimes I'll just
do what my gut is telling me to do, which makes
me think of the movie Willow. Now, this is a
true throwback for any of you guys who know Willow.
My little, my sister, my one sister was obsessed
with this movie, which is so funny because her
youngest son, when he was like two and like walking,
he walked just like Willow. He like wobbled back
and forth. There's also a part of Willow that
my dad used to quote his entire life and I swear
to God I've heard his voice saying this from
heaven and it's the part with Val Kilmer after
he talks Willow into letting him out of that
cage and he's like, I feel better! So the part
that I was referring to though is like when that
I don't know if he's like a wizard or shaman
And do you guys remember the part where he goes
up to Willow and he says pick which finger? And
I don't remember the context of like what it
meant, but basically he wanted him to pick the
finger that he thought was the right finger on
this shaman. So the shaman held up his five fingers
and Willow picked one of the fingers. And the
shaman was like, no, that's incorrect. So later
on, he came up to Willow and he's like, what
was, like he said something like, which finger
did you really want to pick? And Willow was like,
no, no, it's stupid. I don't want to say. And
he's like, tell me. And he says, I wanted to
pick my own finger. And the shaman says, that
was the correct answer. So sometimes even though
signs. Or I want to even say your gut instinct
is telling you to do something. I'm learning
there's something even deeper than your gut instinct.
There's your heart. So as we take this journey
of bettering ourselves and learning to listen
to our own souls I don't even want to say body
because this is just you know a capsule of what
our soul is so we have to listen to our souls
in some ways and our soul I feel is deeper than
our brain it's deeper than our gut at the end
of the day you have your heart so There are so
many Things happening and I don't think it's
just for me. I think a lot of you out there that
are listening to this This is a very changing
time Right when this year started I was getting
messages from friends family who know that I'm
into like astrology and they they Believe in
those types of things as well, and I don't remember
exactly. I want to say it's the year of the horse
There's something very, very specific about 2026
to the point where whatever it is, isn't going
to happen again for like, I think 12 to 15 years
or something like that. And I don't remember
the last time it happened. It would be interesting
for us to go back and see. Maybe I'll look this
up because then we can look back on that year
and see if there were a lot of transitions and
changes. and what I keep reminding myself and
what I keep reading and hearing and everything
that I'm just absorbing right now is sometimes
things are taken out of your life or life knocks
you down to a really fucking shitty place but
that has to happen it has to happen to make room
for the growth and for the new life that is coming
to you literally I told you guys my mom is calling
this time for me my rebirth well if it's a rebirth
and I'm coming out of the womb today I told Parker
I go Parker he's like wanted to lay on me he
didn't feel good last night he over ate you know
how that goes over ate you know wasn't well during
the evening during the night Um, so this morning
he's like, oh, like he's like, come sit with
me on the couch and he's like laying on me. And
he kept like moving closer and closer. I go,
Parker, you're on top of me. What do you want
to climb into my womb? And he laughed and it
made me think of my sister who was a grown adult.
And sometimes she says to my mom, I just want
to climb back into your womb. And think about
that. I feel like if you've ever felt that way
and I think all of us have maybe you're thinking
now I've never you know worded it that way but
I've definitely felt that way you you want a
rebirth you want to feel so close to your mom
the closest to your mother you could ever possibly
be is inside of her womb so if you're feeling
that way or if that thought even crosses your
mind Why? Why are we having that kind of thought?
And we've talked so much about changes and decisions
and choices Well guess what guys? Sometimes we
don't have a fucking choice Did I choose that
psychic to come into my life and then plummet
me into a depression where I had no idea what
was going the fuck on, and my family had to see
me broken? Did I choose that? No. But that was
the plan for my life. Because if that wouldn't
have happened, I would have kept flying high
out in California. I was going on 120 miles an
hour and I loved it. I loved it. And as we've
discussed, a big part of my time out there was
a very healthy Alana. When I lived out there
for college, when I lived that whole summer,
when I moved back out there with my boyfriend,
and the breakup with that boyfriend was the trigger.
to that first hypomanic episode that I had in
2005. Did I make that choice? Now the choice
was partly mine to break up, yes. Did I choose
to then start an illness that I had no idea I
had because most of the time it does not show
itself until your early 20s? No symptoms in your
childhood at all. No symptoms. Now, some would
say, well, could we possibly look at the fact
she liked to punish her stuffed animals? Could
that have been something? When I say things in
that tone, you guys, it always reminds me of
the movie Love Actually, which I'm obsessed with
that movie. And my sister always jokes that I
ruined it for them because I talked it up so
much. And then they watched it and they thought
it was very disappointing. But with Hugh Grant,
remember he likes the dark -haired girl who always
reminded me of one of my good friends from college.
Beautiful girl. Both of them are beautiful. And
she wasn't like a super skinny girl, but one
of his employees goes, oh, you like the chubby
girl? And he's like, oh, would we call her chubby?
And I like to use that tone sometimes, and I
always think of that line. So. Yeah, I mean some
of these things in our life guys, we don't have
the choice So I'm sitting here being like choices
lead to consequences consequences lead to actions.
Yes Yes What I'm also listening to is if you
just sit back and say all right, there's God's
plan The universe has a plan for me. God has
a plan for him. Just gonna sit back with my fucking
feet up and eat my bonbons Oh my god, that's
something my mom used to say My seventh grade
boyfriend. I remember he like loved that and
I think he said I think he might have bought
her bonbons or something There was something
with bonbons there. Maybe he remembers, you know,
you know, you know who you are out there So you
can't just sit back Again, this is what I'm hearing
reading listening realizing You can't just sit
back and think that the universe in God is just
gonna hand you a plan no matter what You can't
not pay your bills You can't not get up every
morning. So what happens is you have to put in
the work. I read today one of the quotes that
came up on my phone was something like, faith
only works if you put in the work. Okay? I have
been able to reflect, and I'm gonna continue
to reflect, but also, look in front of me. I'm
not sure if I've used this official quote yet,
but there's a reason why the windshield is so
much bigger than the rear view mirror. Think
about that. Think about that because a lot of
things now that I've been talking to you guys
about like the love life, my love life, and so
much of what I've been like, um, feeling lately
are all these things in my rear view mirror.
Now I truly feel that some of them have been
coming to me to remind me of certain feelings,
good feelings that I had with these people. And
I'm happy to report that most of the things I'm
working with or I'm connecting with with these
memories of these people are positive things.
I'm remembering the crazy, crazy physical Attraction
and connection and chemistry that I had with
my situation ship and then I'm remembering the
intense intense Soul mate cosmic I've known you
before in many lifetimes Connection I had with
my last relationship However Sometimes the moment
of remembering these things I do have that speck
of anger or confusion or that moment of like
wait is this person coming back did things change
for them and now they're coming back and I will
be honest I don't know the answer to that I don't
know the answer to that. I think there are new
opportunities in front of me when it comes to
everything in my life, my career, my life, my
lifestyle, my choices, my spirituality, everything.
I think there are new opportunities, but I really
feel that the love piece of this will be a new
opportunity. And like I've mentioned, I will
say there is something brewing on that front.
And if this ends up coming to fruition in the
way that my heart is telling me it will, wait
until you guys hear the hard launch. The mother
of all episodes that that will be Because when
I tell you the crazy twists that this situation
entails You're not gonna fucking believe it because
I don't fucking believe it and I want to throw
out there. I have not yet met this person in
person, in real life. But there is something
very, very special there. And I am going to leave
it here because I am on my way to church, the
church I told you guys about last week. I'm very
excited. And I feel like there are going to be
some messages that come through today that I
really need to hear and understand. And I will
most likely do a follow -up entry at some point,
whether it be today or a couple days from now,
where a lot of what I'm hearing, what I will
hear today, is going to make it into my talk.
It's weird sometimes. I feel like I say entry
sometimes. I feel episode sometimes now I'm feeling
kind of like pep talk self talk coffee talk coffee
talk it's sweater weather it's sweater weather
Do you guys know that my college roommate when
she first met me? She told me that I reminded
her of Molly Shannon Like that the one from um
Saturday night live you guys know Molly Shannon.
I love the part in Santa Claus, too My god, what
is she singing? She sings that like Christmas
version She has all the bracelets on and she's
wearing like that that red that sweater that
Christmas sweater It's kind of like my date with
the friggin Red Bull guy, right? Like like Tim
Allen is sitting there like oh my god, get me
the hell out of here Anyway, so then when I started
college like numerous people told me that I had
never been told that in my life and I think part
of it was when I went in college I was able to
be more myself and I was able to be more fun
and funny and wild and crazy where in high school
like you know how it is like you get pigeonholed
into this type of person and I had a very close
-knit group of girlfriends and we actually We
had an amazing high school. I mean, we would
go out to dinners. We would go to the mall. We
would go to all these games. I mean, we did everything
together. We were in the talent shows together.
We performed Britney Spears. We performed Spice
Girls. And you know what? We didn't give a shit
about what other people thought of us. I'm just
thinking about this now. We were labeled the
fan club about halfway through high school, okay?
And I remember we figured out who came up with
the name. These idiot guys, idiot fucking boys.
They don't know what the hell is what what what
is what back then in high school and We asked
them what it meant. We're like, what does the
fan club mean? And they're like, you know, you
guys are like fans of each other. You guys are
such fans of each other How fucking stupid is
that? If you're not a fan of your friends, then
you got a bigger problem than we thought Right?
Because this is the turn because If you are not
fans of your friends you got a problem now My
father I remember because my dad was never the
kind of dad that was like you can't leave the
house in that short skirt You can't date till
you're 20. He was never like that. Never ever
ever. My dad always wanted to see us happy and
I Remember one time I was telling them About
this I was like that like, you know, they call
us the fan club is not like so obnoxious And
I go they make fun of us and he goes well probably
because you and your friends are very judgmental
I'm like what? He's like you're you're judgmental
and you're unapproachable Alana. He's like there's
a reason why none of you have boyfriends I remember
him saying this this is maybe like sophomore
year of high school junior year of high school.
Um Because all of us actually didn't get boyfriends
till pretty much senior year of high school and
we were all dating boys that were younger than
us Which is really crazy and maybe that's why
I've scarred myself because now I'm like so scared
to ever date somebody younger than me So yeah,
it was interesting so that was kind of our like
label and we I don't regret any of it I don't
regret a thing. We did amazing, amazing things
together. We have great memories together. Some
of these girls I still speak to to this day.
I still have my best of the bestie, Tiana. And
some of them we lost touch and we all went our
separate ways. But I think all of us would agree
that we had this amazing time in high school.
But it was different. Like what I started to
say was... But in high school we were like kind
of pigeonholed and it's not like I could go down
the hallway like singing show tunes. Where in
college I feel like I could do that. But instead
of show tunes, I went through a phase of wanting
to be a rapper. Okay? And this was because of
the one and only Marshall Mathers. AKA Slim Shady.
AKA Eminem. And any of my college girls that
are listening to this are cracking up right now
because they would be so like annoyed because
I would try to learn every single word to some
of his songs and because I talk so quickly I
was actually able to really hone in on the talent
that it takes to be a rapper. And I started putting
M &M calendars on my wall, possibly posters.
And my rap name was going to be DQ, AKA Drama
Queen. And isn't that interesting? And that can
mean a lot of different things, right? Like Drama
Queen, you guys know I was obsessed with the
theater. I also did theater in college. That's
drama. I was extremely and still I don't want
to lose the fact that I'm a dramatic person but
there's a difference between being dramatic in
the theatrical way and being dramatic in the
way of everything in my life has to be a huge
project. Nothing can be easy. It all has to be
dramatic. So there's a difference there. So DQ
was my name. drama queen and I remember when
I went to this was like a must have been around
junior year because when I went to California
I was also obsessed with Eminem and there was
this guy that I was friends with and we drove
to Vegas that was the really cool thing about
California you guys we would just go to Vegas
on a weekend we'd leave on a Friday come back
on Sunday night felt like death had to recover
for two weeks but it was worth it and I'll never
forget we were driving to Vegas and I was singing
At the top of my lungs, I was in the back seat
and I was singing Eminem. And I was so into it.
And my friend, this huge guy, very handsome guy,
good friend, like he was in the friend group,
in the front seat. Alana, Alana, Alana, okay,
okay, okay, we get it, we get it, we get it,
you know the words. And it's funny, he's never
accepted my request on Instagram. To this day,
to this day, he will not accept my friend request
on Instagram, and I'm friends with his wife,
and I'm friends with all the people that we were
like, you know, close with in... in in you know
in school and everything so it's just funny but
yeah so M &M was like a big part of my life and
it's funny because of course this all comes back
to it all always it always connects you guys
it's so crazy but this morning I just made a
new playlist on Spotify called slim shady or
slim hits that's what I called it slim hits And
it started with all these rap songs, all these
angry rap songs, and then more fun rap songs
that reminded me of my dad. Because my dad always
loved the rap songs. Like Eminem's cleaning out
my closet, he would just go around the house
singing that all the time. I'm cleaning out my
closet. We're like, all right, dad. And then,
of course, it started getting lighter as I was
making the playlist. Other songs started going
on there, like One Direction songs and Katy Perry.
and I think it represents like kind of like what
I'm going through now like I have moments of
this anger of his palms are sweaty knees weak
arms are heavy there's vomit on his sweater already
mom's spaghetti he got nervous but on the surface
he looks calm and ready to drop bombs but he
keeps on forgetting what he wrote down the whole
crowd goes so loud he opens his mouth but the
words won't come out oh yeah oh yeah guys oh
I knew it I knew the words And then the other
song that really always has spoken to me and
it speaks to me now even more so than ever is,
and I'm not as good with these words because
it's a newer song. Oh my God, was that it? That
might have been it. Oh my God, that was the,
that's so funny. That was exactly the song I
was thinking, but in my head I didn't think I
knew those words. But it starts with, well you
got one shot, one opportunity. Would you take
it or would you just let it slip? And then he
starts. So that earlier part, if you had one
shot and one opportunity, would you take it or
would you just let it slip? And I'm at the point
in my life, which you guys all know, I'm gonna
shoot my fucking shot. What do I have to lose?
What do I have to lose? I lost my father. My
mother almost was lost and now she's in recovery,
thank God. And plus me making a decision about
sending a fucking text to either an ex or to
a current love interest is, you know, the last
I checked I don't think that's gonna throw my
mother to her grave. So my thoughts this morning
are listen to your heart. Over your gut sometimes
sometimes now. We can't be following our heart
all over the place guys We'll be running around
fucking naked in the in the in the driveways
and in the parking lots and all that shit now
We're not gonna follow our heart all the time
but when you take the power of the pause and
It goes back to my numbers my numbers when I
when I decide to do things send messages say
certain things Do certain things I look for those
that sign that kind of gives me the green light
But sometimes, sometimes, you have to go with
your heart. Not with the signs, not with your
gut, not with what your best friend told you
to do, not even what your therapist told you
to do. Go with the heart. And if you need a song,
to link to that thought, I leave you with this.
Near or far, wherever you are. Oh god, I forgot
the words. My heart will go on and on. And then
the other one is... Oh my god. I'm really letting
you guys down right now. The Starship song that
I bring up again. We can make it if we're heart
to heart. And I'm doing this together Standing
strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now And
if this world runs out of lovers We'll still
have each other Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's
gonna stop us now Okay, guys. That was directed
to all of us, including myself. Us. You can refer
to yourself as us, your mind, your heart, your
gut, and your soul. Nothing is going to stop
us now. Follow your heart. Make the choices that
will lead to the proper plan, but trust the plan
because it's not only up to us. Love, Alana.