WEBVTT 00:00:02.729 --> 00:00:05.230 Good morning everyone. So I'm gonna get right 00:00:05.230 --> 00:00:10.029 into this. I struggle sometimes with am I supposed 00:00:10.029 --> 00:00:13.630 to record this? Am I supposed to journal this? 00:00:13.769 --> 00:00:17.350 Am I supposed to say this out loud as I'm driving? 00:00:18.190 --> 00:00:25.250 Am I supposed to say this to myself? And again, 00:00:25.370 --> 00:00:28.510 I do look for the signs, but sometimes I'll just 00:00:28.510 --> 00:00:32.149 do what my gut is telling me to do, which makes 00:00:32.149 --> 00:00:36.070 me think of the movie Willow. Now, this is a 00:00:36.070 --> 00:00:38.570 true throwback for any of you guys who know Willow. 00:00:38.810 --> 00:00:41.250 My little, my sister, my one sister was obsessed 00:00:41.250 --> 00:00:44.289 with this movie, which is so funny because her 00:00:44.289 --> 00:00:46.729 youngest son, when he was like two and like walking, 00:00:46.909 --> 00:00:49.429 he walked just like Willow. He like wobbled back 00:00:49.429 --> 00:00:52.369 and forth. There's also a part of Willow that 00:00:52.369 --> 00:00:56.929 my dad used to quote his entire life and I swear 00:00:56.929 --> 00:00:58.929 to God I've heard his voice saying this from 00:00:58.929 --> 00:01:02.710 heaven and it's the part with Val Kilmer after 00:01:02.710 --> 00:01:05.489 he talks Willow into letting him out of that 00:01:05.489 --> 00:01:14.250 cage and he's like, I feel better! So the part 00:01:14.250 --> 00:01:16.489 that I was referring to though is like when that 00:01:16.489 --> 00:01:18.890 I don't know if he's like a wizard or shaman 00:01:19.799 --> 00:01:22.560 And do you guys remember the part where he goes 00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:26.480 up to Willow and he says pick which finger? And 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:28.900 I don't remember the context of like what it 00:01:28.900 --> 00:01:31.659 meant, but basically he wanted him to pick the 00:01:31.659 --> 00:01:36.480 finger that he thought was the right finger on 00:01:36.480 --> 00:01:39.760 this shaman. So the shaman held up his five fingers 00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:44.680 and Willow picked one of the fingers. And the 00:01:44.680 --> 00:01:49.010 shaman was like, no, that's incorrect. So later 00:01:49.010 --> 00:01:52.870 on, he came up to Willow and he's like, what 00:01:52.870 --> 00:01:55.450 was, like he said something like, which finger 00:01:55.450 --> 00:01:59.790 did you really want to pick? And Willow was like, 00:01:59.909 --> 00:02:02.829 no, no, it's stupid. I don't want to say. And 00:02:02.829 --> 00:02:06.209 he's like, tell me. And he says, I wanted to 00:02:06.209 --> 00:02:10.550 pick my own finger. And the shaman says, that 00:02:10.550 --> 00:02:17.310 was the correct answer. So sometimes even though 00:02:18.219 --> 00:02:24.139 signs. Or I want to even say your gut instinct 00:02:24.139 --> 00:02:28.479 is telling you to do something. I'm learning 00:02:28.479 --> 00:02:32.080 there's something even deeper than your gut instinct. 00:02:33.900 --> 00:02:40.219 There's your heart. So as we take this journey 00:02:40.219 --> 00:02:44.879 of bettering ourselves and learning to listen 00:02:44.879 --> 00:02:49.159 to our own souls I don't even want to say body 00:02:49.159 --> 00:02:53.580 because this is just you know a capsule of what 00:02:53.580 --> 00:02:58.900 our soul is so we have to listen to our souls 00:02:58.900 --> 00:03:03.740 in some ways and our soul I feel is deeper than 00:03:03.740 --> 00:03:07.800 our brain it's deeper than our gut at the end 00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:16.139 of the day you have your heart so There are so 00:03:16.139 --> 00:03:20.759 many Things happening and I don't think it's 00:03:20.759 --> 00:03:23.939 just for me. I think a lot of you out there that 00:03:23.939 --> 00:03:27.800 are listening to this This is a very changing 00:03:27.800 --> 00:03:31.780 time Right when this year started I was getting 00:03:31.780 --> 00:03:34.960 messages from friends family who know that I'm 00:03:34.960 --> 00:03:37.840 into like astrology and they they Believe in 00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:40.960 those types of things as well, and I don't remember 00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:44.039 exactly. I want to say it's the year of the horse 00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:48.740 There's something very, very specific about 2026 00:03:48.740 --> 00:03:53.259 to the point where whatever it is, isn't going 00:03:53.259 --> 00:03:57.319 to happen again for like, I think 12 to 15 years 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:00.139 or something like that. And I don't remember 00:04:00.139 --> 00:04:01.840 the last time it happened. It would be interesting 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:04.620 for us to go back and see. Maybe I'll look this 00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:07.819 up because then we can look back on that year 00:04:07.819 --> 00:04:10.460 and see if there were a lot of transitions and 00:04:10.460 --> 00:04:17.379 changes. and what I keep reminding myself and 00:04:17.379 --> 00:04:19.319 what I keep reading and hearing and everything 00:04:19.319 --> 00:04:25.279 that I'm just absorbing right now is sometimes 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:31.060 things are taken out of your life or life knocks 00:04:31.060 --> 00:04:35.920 you down to a really fucking shitty place but 00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:41.439 that has to happen it has to happen to make room 00:04:41.829 --> 00:04:47.389 for the growth and for the new life that is coming 00:04:47.389 --> 00:04:52.009 to you literally I told you guys my mom is calling 00:04:52.009 --> 00:04:56.689 this time for me my rebirth well if it's a rebirth 00:04:56.689 --> 00:05:00.730 and I'm coming out of the womb today I told Parker 00:05:00.730 --> 00:05:03.009 I go Parker he's like wanted to lay on me he 00:05:03.009 --> 00:05:05.029 didn't feel good last night he over ate you know 00:05:05.029 --> 00:05:07.550 how that goes over ate you know wasn't well during 00:05:07.550 --> 00:05:10.480 the evening during the night Um, so this morning 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:12.160 he's like, oh, like he's like, come sit with 00:05:12.160 --> 00:05:14.939 me on the couch and he's like laying on me. And 00:05:14.939 --> 00:05:16.540 he kept like moving closer and closer. I go, 00:05:16.660 --> 00:05:18.120 Parker, you're on top of me. What do you want 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:22.240 to climb into my womb? And he laughed and it 00:05:22.240 --> 00:05:24.939 made me think of my sister who was a grown adult. 00:05:25.720 --> 00:05:28.399 And sometimes she says to my mom, I just want 00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:33.100 to climb back into your womb. And think about 00:05:33.100 --> 00:05:37.290 that. I feel like if you've ever felt that way 00:05:37.290 --> 00:05:39.350 and I think all of us have maybe you're thinking 00:05:39.350 --> 00:05:41.829 now I've never you know worded it that way but 00:05:41.829 --> 00:05:46.870 I've definitely felt that way you you want a 00:05:46.870 --> 00:05:51.370 rebirth you want to feel so close to your mom 00:05:51.370 --> 00:05:55.310 the closest to your mother you could ever possibly 00:05:55.310 --> 00:06:00.410 be is inside of her womb so if you're feeling 00:06:00.410 --> 00:06:02.829 that way or if that thought even crosses your 00:06:02.829 --> 00:06:12.899 mind Why? Why are we having that kind of thought? 00:06:15.100 --> 00:06:20.519 And we've talked so much about changes and decisions 00:06:20.519 --> 00:06:26.220 and choices Well guess what guys? Sometimes we 00:06:26.220 --> 00:06:32.279 don't have a fucking choice Did I choose that 00:06:32.279 --> 00:06:36.110 psychic to come into my life and then plummet 00:06:36.110 --> 00:06:39.589 me into a depression where I had no idea what 00:06:39.589 --> 00:06:42.889 was going the fuck on, and my family had to see 00:06:42.889 --> 00:06:50.649 me broken? Did I choose that? No. But that was 00:06:50.649 --> 00:06:54.930 the plan for my life. Because if that wouldn't 00:06:54.930 --> 00:07:01.149 have happened, I would have kept flying high 00:07:01.149 --> 00:07:09.939 out in California. I was going on 120 miles an 00:07:09.939 --> 00:07:16.759 hour and I loved it. I loved it. And as we've 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:19.819 discussed, a big part of my time out there was 00:07:19.819 --> 00:07:23.420 a very healthy Alana. When I lived out there 00:07:23.420 --> 00:07:25.579 for college, when I lived that whole summer, 00:07:25.579 --> 00:07:27.680 when I moved back out there with my boyfriend, 00:07:28.480 --> 00:07:33.199 and the breakup with that boyfriend was the trigger. 00:07:34.129 --> 00:07:38.209 to that first hypomanic episode that I had in 00:07:38.209 --> 00:07:44.069 2005. Did I make that choice? Now the choice 00:07:44.069 --> 00:07:48.529 was partly mine to break up, yes. Did I choose 00:07:48.529 --> 00:07:51.649 to then start an illness that I had no idea I 00:07:51.649 --> 00:07:55.209 had because most of the time it does not show 00:07:55.209 --> 00:08:01.269 itself until your early 20s? No symptoms in your 00:08:01.269 --> 00:08:07.769 childhood at all. No symptoms. Now, some would 00:08:07.769 --> 00:08:10.970 say, well, could we possibly look at the fact 00:08:10.970 --> 00:08:12.829 she liked to punish her stuffed animals? Could 00:08:12.829 --> 00:08:18.069 that have been something? When I say things in 00:08:18.069 --> 00:08:19.850 that tone, you guys, it always reminds me of 00:08:19.850 --> 00:08:21.769 the movie Love Actually, which I'm obsessed with 00:08:21.769 --> 00:08:24.410 that movie. And my sister always jokes that I 00:08:24.410 --> 00:08:26.310 ruined it for them because I talked it up so 00:08:26.310 --> 00:08:28.250 much. And then they watched it and they thought 00:08:28.250 --> 00:08:31.139 it was very disappointing. But with Hugh Grant, 00:08:31.160 --> 00:08:34.460 remember he likes the dark -haired girl who always 00:08:34.460 --> 00:08:36.379 reminded me of one of my good friends from college. 00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:40.220 Beautiful girl. Both of them are beautiful. And 00:08:40.220 --> 00:08:43.059 she wasn't like a super skinny girl, but one 00:08:43.059 --> 00:08:46.279 of his employees goes, oh, you like the chubby 00:08:46.279 --> 00:08:49.279 girl? And he's like, oh, would we call her chubby? 00:08:51.539 --> 00:08:54.679 And I like to use that tone sometimes, and I 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:59.480 always think of that line. So. Yeah, I mean some 00:08:59.480 --> 00:09:01.700 of these things in our life guys, we don't have 00:09:01.700 --> 00:09:04.940 the choice So I'm sitting here being like choices 00:09:04.940 --> 00:09:07.580 lead to consequences consequences lead to actions. 00:09:08.019 --> 00:09:13.740 Yes Yes What I'm also listening to is if you 00:09:13.740 --> 00:09:16.080 just sit back and say all right, there's God's 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:18.779 plan The universe has a plan for me. God has 00:09:18.779 --> 00:09:20.580 a plan for him. Just gonna sit back with my fucking 00:09:20.580 --> 00:09:23.600 feet up and eat my bonbons Oh my god, that's 00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:26.480 something my mom used to say My seventh grade 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:28.860 boyfriend. I remember he like loved that and 00:09:28.860 --> 00:09:30.259 I think he said I think he might have bought 00:09:30.259 --> 00:09:31.759 her bonbons or something There was something 00:09:31.759 --> 00:09:34.840 with bonbons there. Maybe he remembers, you know, 00:09:34.840 --> 00:09:39.740 you know, you know who you are out there So you 00:09:39.740 --> 00:09:43.379 can't just sit back Again, this is what I'm hearing 00:09:43.379 --> 00:09:46.559 reading listening realizing You can't just sit 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:49.460 back and think that the universe in God is just 00:09:49.460 --> 00:09:53.580 gonna hand you a plan no matter what You can't 00:09:53.580 --> 00:09:57.019 not pay your bills You can't not get up every 00:09:57.019 --> 00:10:01.019 morning. So what happens is you have to put in 00:10:01.019 --> 00:10:04.559 the work. I read today one of the quotes that 00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:07.960 came up on my phone was something like, faith 00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:19.220 only works if you put in the work. Okay? I have 00:10:19.220 --> 00:10:22.059 been able to reflect, and I'm gonna continue 00:10:22.059 --> 00:10:26.659 to reflect, but also, look in front of me. I'm 00:10:26.659 --> 00:10:30.340 not sure if I've used this official quote yet, 00:10:30.820 --> 00:10:34.799 but there's a reason why the windshield is so 00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:39.159 much bigger than the rear view mirror. Think 00:10:39.159 --> 00:10:43.720 about that. Think about that because a lot of 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:45.500 things now that I've been talking to you guys 00:10:45.500 --> 00:10:49.179 about like the love life, my love life, and so 00:10:49.179 --> 00:10:54.059 much of what I've been like, um, feeling lately 00:10:54.059 --> 00:10:56.779 are all these things in my rear view mirror. 00:10:57.919 --> 00:11:00.019 Now I truly feel that some of them have been 00:11:00.019 --> 00:11:02.919 coming to me to remind me of certain feelings, 00:11:03.139 --> 00:11:07.700 good feelings that I had with these people. And 00:11:07.700 --> 00:11:11.039 I'm happy to report that most of the things I'm 00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:14.500 working with or I'm connecting with with these 00:11:14.500 --> 00:11:17.100 memories of these people are positive things. 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:26.230 I'm remembering the crazy, crazy physical Attraction 00:11:26.230 --> 00:11:28.549 and connection and chemistry that I had with 00:11:28.549 --> 00:11:32.950 my situation ship and then I'm remembering the 00:11:32.950 --> 00:11:41.830 intense intense Soul mate cosmic I've known you 00:11:41.830 --> 00:11:46.830 before in many lifetimes Connection I had with 00:11:46.830 --> 00:11:54.379 my last relationship However Sometimes the moment 00:11:54.379 --> 00:12:00.899 of remembering these things I do have that speck 00:12:00.899 --> 00:12:08.659 of anger or confusion or that moment of like 00:12:08.659 --> 00:12:13.039 wait is this person coming back did things change 00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:18.960 for them and now they're coming back and I will 00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:23.389 be honest I don't know the answer to that I don't 00:12:23.389 --> 00:12:29.629 know the answer to that. I think there are new 00:12:29.629 --> 00:12:32.490 opportunities in front of me when it comes to 00:12:32.490 --> 00:12:37.129 everything in my life, my career, my life, my 00:12:37.129 --> 00:12:43.970 lifestyle, my choices, my spirituality, everything. 00:12:44.129 --> 00:12:46.789 I think there are new opportunities, but I really 00:12:46.789 --> 00:12:51.029 feel that the love piece of this will be a new 00:12:51.029 --> 00:12:56.320 opportunity. And like I've mentioned, I will 00:12:56.320 --> 00:13:01.340 say there is something brewing on that front. 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:07.500 And if this ends up coming to fruition in the 00:13:07.500 --> 00:13:14.000 way that my heart is telling me it will, wait 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:20.179 until you guys hear the hard launch. The mother 00:13:20.179 --> 00:13:25.320 of all episodes that that will be Because when 00:13:25.320 --> 00:13:32.519 I tell you the crazy twists that this situation 00:13:32.519 --> 00:13:38.500 entails You're not gonna fucking believe it because 00:13:38.500 --> 00:13:45.120 I don't fucking believe it and I want to throw 00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:50.299 out there. I have not yet met this person in 00:13:50.299 --> 00:13:57.259 person, in real life. But there is something 00:13:57.259 --> 00:14:03.539 very, very special there. And I am going to leave 00:14:03.539 --> 00:14:06.980 it here because I am on my way to church, the 00:14:06.980 --> 00:14:09.879 church I told you guys about last week. I'm very 00:14:09.879 --> 00:14:13.190 excited. And I feel like there are going to be 00:14:13.190 --> 00:14:15.750 some messages that come through today that I 00:14:15.750 --> 00:14:19.909 really need to hear and understand. And I will 00:14:19.909 --> 00:14:25.950 most likely do a follow -up entry at some point, 00:14:25.970 --> 00:14:28.210 whether it be today or a couple days from now, 00:14:28.549 --> 00:14:31.409 where a lot of what I'm hearing, what I will 00:14:31.409 --> 00:14:37.070 hear today, is going to make it into my talk. 00:14:40.350 --> 00:14:42.950 It's weird sometimes. I feel like I say entry 00:14:42.950 --> 00:14:45.730 sometimes. I feel episode sometimes now I'm feeling 00:14:45.730 --> 00:14:51.009 kind of like pep talk self talk coffee talk coffee 00:14:51.009 --> 00:14:53.769 talk it's sweater weather it's sweater weather 00:14:53.769 --> 00:14:56.669 Do you guys know that my college roommate when 00:14:56.669 --> 00:14:59.970 she first met me? She told me that I reminded 00:14:59.970 --> 00:15:04.929 her of Molly Shannon Like that the one from um 00:15:04.929 --> 00:15:06.669 Saturday night live you guys know Molly Shannon. 00:15:06.669 --> 00:15:09.700 I love the part in Santa Claus, too My god, what 00:15:09.700 --> 00:15:12.379 is she singing? She sings that like Christmas 00:15:12.379 --> 00:15:16.379 version She has all the bracelets on and she's 00:15:16.379 --> 00:15:19.220 wearing like that that red that sweater that 00:15:19.220 --> 00:15:21.799 Christmas sweater It's kind of like my date with 00:15:21.799 --> 00:15:25.139 the friggin Red Bull guy, right? Like like Tim 00:15:25.139 --> 00:15:27.519 Allen is sitting there like oh my god, get me 00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:31.500 the hell out of here Anyway, so then when I started 00:15:31.500 --> 00:15:33.899 college like numerous people told me that I had 00:15:33.899 --> 00:15:37.409 never been told that in my life and I think part 00:15:37.409 --> 00:15:39.570 of it was when I went in college I was able to 00:15:39.570 --> 00:15:42.730 be more myself and I was able to be more fun 00:15:42.730 --> 00:15:46.110 and funny and wild and crazy where in high school 00:15:46.110 --> 00:15:48.789 like you know how it is like you get pigeonholed 00:15:48.789 --> 00:15:52.250 into this type of person and I had a very close 00:15:52.250 --> 00:15:56.580 -knit group of girlfriends and we actually We 00:15:56.580 --> 00:15:58.519 had an amazing high school. I mean, we would 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:00.600 go out to dinners. We would go to the mall. We 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:03.320 would go to all these games. I mean, we did everything 00:16:03.320 --> 00:16:05.299 together. We were in the talent shows together. 00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:08.279 We performed Britney Spears. We performed Spice 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:10.960 Girls. And you know what? We didn't give a shit 00:16:10.960 --> 00:16:12.820 about what other people thought of us. I'm just 00:16:12.820 --> 00:16:15.519 thinking about this now. We were labeled the 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:19.019 fan club about halfway through high school, okay? 00:16:20.059 --> 00:16:24.080 And I remember we figured out who came up with 00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:27.649 the name. These idiot guys, idiot fucking boys. 00:16:27.649 --> 00:16:29.570 They don't know what the hell is what what what 00:16:29.570 --> 00:16:35.110 is what back then in high school and We asked 00:16:35.110 --> 00:16:37.269 them what it meant. We're like, what does the 00:16:37.269 --> 00:16:40.289 fan club mean? And they're like, you know, you 00:16:40.289 --> 00:16:42.830 guys are like fans of each other. You guys are 00:16:42.830 --> 00:16:47.110 such fans of each other How fucking stupid is 00:16:47.110 --> 00:16:51.149 that? If you're not a fan of your friends, then 00:16:51.149 --> 00:16:54.570 you got a bigger problem than we thought Right? 00:16:56.289 --> 00:17:03.629 Because this is the turn because If you are not 00:17:03.629 --> 00:17:06.869 fans of your friends you got a problem now My 00:17:06.869 --> 00:17:10.210 father I remember because my dad was never the 00:17:10.210 --> 00:17:11.869 kind of dad that was like you can't leave the 00:17:11.869 --> 00:17:13.930 house in that short skirt You can't date till 00:17:13.930 --> 00:17:16.230 you're 20. He was never like that. Never ever 00:17:16.230 --> 00:17:20.230 ever. My dad always wanted to see us happy and 00:17:20.230 --> 00:17:24.329 I Remember one time I was telling them About 00:17:24.329 --> 00:17:25.869 this I was like that like, you know, they call 00:17:25.869 --> 00:17:29.049 us the fan club is not like so obnoxious And 00:17:29.049 --> 00:17:32.329 I go they make fun of us and he goes well probably 00:17:32.329 --> 00:17:34.849 because you and your friends are very judgmental 00:17:34.849 --> 00:17:38.789 I'm like what? He's like you're you're judgmental 00:17:38.789 --> 00:17:41.250 and you're unapproachable Alana. He's like there's 00:17:41.250 --> 00:17:43.329 a reason why none of you have boyfriends I remember 00:17:43.329 --> 00:17:45.609 him saying this this is maybe like sophomore 00:17:45.609 --> 00:17:47.529 year of high school junior year of high school. 00:17:48.309 --> 00:17:50.940 Um Because all of us actually didn't get boyfriends 00:17:50.940 --> 00:17:52.740 till pretty much senior year of high school and 00:17:52.740 --> 00:17:55.559 we were all dating boys that were younger than 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:59.559 us Which is really crazy and maybe that's why 00:17:59.559 --> 00:18:02.200 I've scarred myself because now I'm like so scared 00:18:02.200 --> 00:18:07.400 to ever date somebody younger than me So yeah, 00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:10.460 it was interesting so that was kind of our like 00:18:10.460 --> 00:18:14.529 label and we I don't regret any of it I don't 00:18:14.529 --> 00:18:18.109 regret a thing. We did amazing, amazing things 00:18:18.109 --> 00:18:21.190 together. We have great memories together. Some 00:18:21.190 --> 00:18:24.490 of these girls I still speak to to this day. 00:18:25.630 --> 00:18:29.549 I still have my best of the bestie, Tiana. And 00:18:29.549 --> 00:18:31.589 some of them we lost touch and we all went our 00:18:31.589 --> 00:18:34.470 separate ways. But I think all of us would agree 00:18:34.470 --> 00:18:37.710 that we had this amazing time in high school. 00:18:37.730 --> 00:18:39.470 But it was different. Like what I started to 00:18:39.470 --> 00:18:42.009 say was... But in high school we were like kind 00:18:42.009 --> 00:18:45.069 of pigeonholed and it's not like I could go down 00:18:45.069 --> 00:18:48.769 the hallway like singing show tunes. Where in 00:18:48.769 --> 00:18:52.269 college I feel like I could do that. But instead 00:18:52.269 --> 00:18:56.309 of show tunes, I went through a phase of wanting 00:18:56.309 --> 00:19:01.990 to be a rapper. Okay? And this was because of 00:19:01.990 --> 00:19:08.769 the one and only Marshall Mathers. AKA Slim Shady. 00:19:10.850 --> 00:19:14.289 AKA Eminem. And any of my college girls that 00:19:14.289 --> 00:19:16.490 are listening to this are cracking up right now 00:19:16.490 --> 00:19:20.609 because they would be so like annoyed because 00:19:20.609 --> 00:19:23.970 I would try to learn every single word to some 00:19:23.970 --> 00:19:27.650 of his songs and because I talk so quickly I 00:19:27.650 --> 00:19:32.549 was actually able to really hone in on the talent 00:19:32.549 --> 00:19:37.019 that it takes to be a rapper. And I started putting 00:19:37.019 --> 00:19:40.039 M &M calendars on my wall, possibly posters. 00:19:41.880 --> 00:19:48.440 And my rap name was going to be DQ, AKA Drama 00:19:48.440 --> 00:19:55.579 Queen. And isn't that interesting? And that can 00:19:55.579 --> 00:19:58.819 mean a lot of different things, right? Like Drama 00:19:58.819 --> 00:20:00.599 Queen, you guys know I was obsessed with the 00:20:00.599 --> 00:20:03.000 theater. I also did theater in college. That's 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:09.240 drama. I was extremely and still I don't want 00:20:09.240 --> 00:20:11.619 to lose the fact that I'm a dramatic person but 00:20:11.619 --> 00:20:13.720 there's a difference between being dramatic in 00:20:13.720 --> 00:20:17.119 the theatrical way and being dramatic in the 00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:21.180 way of everything in my life has to be a huge 00:20:21.180 --> 00:20:24.880 project. Nothing can be easy. It all has to be 00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:30.839 dramatic. So there's a difference there. So DQ 00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:34.349 was my name. drama queen and I remember when 00:20:34.349 --> 00:20:36.009 I went to this was like a must have been around 00:20:36.009 --> 00:20:37.849 junior year because when I went to California 00:20:37.849 --> 00:20:40.910 I was also obsessed with Eminem and there was 00:20:40.910 --> 00:20:42.910 this guy that I was friends with and we drove 00:20:42.910 --> 00:20:44.930 to Vegas that was the really cool thing about 00:20:44.930 --> 00:20:46.930 California you guys we would just go to Vegas 00:20:46.930 --> 00:20:49.069 on a weekend we'd leave on a Friday come back 00:20:49.069 --> 00:20:51.750 on Sunday night felt like death had to recover 00:20:51.750 --> 00:20:54.329 for two weeks but it was worth it and I'll never 00:20:54.329 --> 00:20:57.849 forget we were driving to Vegas and I was singing 00:20:58.170 --> 00:21:00.369 At the top of my lungs, I was in the back seat 00:21:00.369 --> 00:21:04.609 and I was singing Eminem. And I was so into it. 00:21:04.690 --> 00:21:07.529 And my friend, this huge guy, very handsome guy, 00:21:07.690 --> 00:21:10.529 good friend, like he was in the friend group, 00:21:11.329 --> 00:21:14.809 in the front seat. Alana, Alana, Alana, okay, 00:21:14.849 --> 00:21:17.049 okay, okay, we get it, we get it, we get it, 00:21:17.089 --> 00:21:21.089 you know the words. And it's funny, he's never 00:21:21.089 --> 00:21:25.130 accepted my request on Instagram. To this day, 00:21:25.630 --> 00:21:28.630 to this day, he will not accept my friend request 00:21:28.630 --> 00:21:30.769 on Instagram, and I'm friends with his wife, 00:21:31.130 --> 00:21:32.970 and I'm friends with all the people that we were 00:21:32.970 --> 00:21:37.799 like, you know, close with in... in in you know 00:21:37.799 --> 00:21:40.140 in school and everything so it's just funny but 00:21:40.140 --> 00:21:42.619 yeah so M &M was like a big part of my life and 00:21:42.619 --> 00:21:45.019 it's funny because of course this all comes back 00:21:45.019 --> 00:21:47.559 to it all always it always connects you guys 00:21:47.559 --> 00:21:50.279 it's so crazy but this morning I just made a 00:21:50.279 --> 00:21:53.500 new playlist on Spotify called slim shady or 00:21:53.500 --> 00:21:56.269 slim hits that's what I called it slim hits And 00:21:56.269 --> 00:21:58.849 it started with all these rap songs, all these 00:21:58.849 --> 00:22:01.170 angry rap songs, and then more fun rap songs 00:22:01.170 --> 00:22:03.690 that reminded me of my dad. Because my dad always 00:22:03.690 --> 00:22:06.569 loved the rap songs. Like Eminem's cleaning out 00:22:06.569 --> 00:22:08.490 my closet, he would just go around the house 00:22:08.490 --> 00:22:10.809 singing that all the time. I'm cleaning out my 00:22:10.809 --> 00:22:14.730 closet. We're like, all right, dad. And then, 00:22:14.750 --> 00:22:16.869 of course, it started getting lighter as I was 00:22:16.869 --> 00:22:19.349 making the playlist. Other songs started going 00:22:19.349 --> 00:22:22.930 on there, like One Direction songs and Katy Perry. 00:22:26.349 --> 00:22:29.789 and I think it represents like kind of like what 00:22:29.789 --> 00:22:32.150 I'm going through now like I have moments of 00:22:32.150 --> 00:22:35.730 this anger of his palms are sweaty knees weak 00:22:35.730 --> 00:22:38.170 arms are heavy there's vomit on his sweater already 00:22:38.170 --> 00:22:40.789 mom's spaghetti he got nervous but on the surface 00:22:40.789 --> 00:22:43.470 he looks calm and ready to drop bombs but he 00:22:43.470 --> 00:22:45.849 keeps on forgetting what he wrote down the whole 00:22:45.849 --> 00:22:48.349 crowd goes so loud he opens his mouth but the 00:22:48.349 --> 00:22:52.750 words won't come out oh yeah oh yeah guys oh 00:22:52.750 --> 00:22:57.259 I knew it I knew the words And then the other 00:22:57.259 --> 00:22:59.000 song that really always has spoken to me and 00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:01.660 it speaks to me now even more so than ever is, 00:23:02.440 --> 00:23:04.420 and I'm not as good with these words because 00:23:04.420 --> 00:23:08.440 it's a newer song. Oh my God, was that it? That 00:23:08.440 --> 00:23:11.579 might have been it. Oh my God, that was the, 00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:13.940 that's so funny. That was exactly the song I 00:23:13.940 --> 00:23:15.839 was thinking, but in my head I didn't think I 00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:18.740 knew those words. But it starts with, well you 00:23:18.740 --> 00:23:22.099 got one shot, one opportunity. Would you take 00:23:22.099 --> 00:23:25.750 it or would you just let it slip? And then he 00:23:25.750 --> 00:23:29.910 starts. So that earlier part, if you had one 00:23:29.910 --> 00:23:34.970 shot and one opportunity, would you take it or 00:23:34.970 --> 00:23:40.690 would you just let it slip? And I'm at the point 00:23:40.690 --> 00:23:44.970 in my life, which you guys all know, I'm gonna 00:23:44.970 --> 00:23:51.210 shoot my fucking shot. What do I have to lose? 00:23:52.730 --> 00:23:57.180 What do I have to lose? I lost my father. My 00:23:57.180 --> 00:24:00.380 mother almost was lost and now she's in recovery, 00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:03.460 thank God. And plus me making a decision about 00:24:03.460 --> 00:24:06.859 sending a fucking text to either an ex or to 00:24:06.859 --> 00:24:09.900 a current love interest is, you know, the last 00:24:09.900 --> 00:24:11.359 I checked I don't think that's gonna throw my 00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:19.240 mother to her grave. So my thoughts this morning 00:24:19.240 --> 00:24:26.220 are listen to your heart. Over your gut sometimes 00:24:26.220 --> 00:24:28.160 sometimes now. We can't be following our heart 00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:29.559 all over the place guys We'll be running around 00:24:29.559 --> 00:24:31.940 fucking naked in the in the in the driveways 00:24:31.940 --> 00:24:33.960 and in the parking lots and all that shit now 00:24:33.960 --> 00:24:36.319 We're not gonna follow our heart all the time 00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:40.279 but when you take the power of the pause and 00:24:40.279 --> 00:24:43.140 It goes back to my numbers my numbers when I 00:24:43.140 --> 00:24:46.259 when I decide to do things send messages say 00:24:46.259 --> 00:24:50.019 certain things Do certain things I look for those 00:24:50.019 --> 00:24:53.559 that sign that kind of gives me the green light 00:24:58.370 --> 00:25:04.450 But sometimes, sometimes, you have to go with 00:25:04.450 --> 00:25:09.630 your heart. Not with the signs, not with your 00:25:09.630 --> 00:25:13.329 gut, not with what your best friend told you 00:25:13.329 --> 00:25:16.910 to do, not even what your therapist told you 00:25:16.910 --> 00:25:24.890 to do. Go with the heart. And if you need a song, 00:25:26.380 --> 00:25:32.440 to link to that thought, I leave you with this. 00:25:34.740 --> 00:25:42.799 Near or far, wherever you are. Oh god, I forgot 00:25:42.799 --> 00:25:52.140 the words. My heart will go on and on. And then 00:25:52.140 --> 00:25:59.180 the other one is... Oh my god. I'm really letting 00:25:59.180 --> 00:26:01.079 you guys down right now. The Starship song that 00:26:01.079 --> 00:26:04.079 I bring up again. We can make it if we're heart 00:26:04.079 --> 00:26:10.059 to heart. And I'm doing this together Standing 00:26:10.059 --> 00:26:14.740 strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now And 00:26:14.740 --> 00:26:18.240 if this world runs out of lovers We'll still 00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:22.380 have each other Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's 00:26:22.380 --> 00:26:28.980 gonna stop us now Okay, guys. That was directed 00:26:28.980 --> 00:26:32.829 to all of us, including myself. Us. You can refer 00:26:32.829 --> 00:26:35.650 to yourself as us, your mind, your heart, your 00:26:35.650 --> 00:26:40.710 gut, and your soul. Nothing is going to stop 00:26:40.710 --> 00:26:50.849 us now. Follow your heart. Make the choices that 00:26:50.849 --> 00:26:54.849 will lead to the proper plan, but trust the plan 00:26:54.849 --> 00:27:01.250 because it's not only up to us. Love, Alana.