Hey everybody, it's me again. By now I'm hoping
that you have listened to the five people you
meet on earth. I know it was longer than normal.
Like I said, it kind of took a world of its own.
And I have a lot of other things that I've kind
of made a list about that I wanna chat about,
but I don't wanna jump to something else until
I kind of finish that story, that California
experience. So first of all, I realized I never
went back to the whole thing about the McDonald's
snack wrap. The whole point of that was that
my stomach was in complete shreds afterwards.
And when I have gluten, whatever, I'm sharing
a lot, so I don't care. But when I have gluten,
I get these gigantic burps. Like gigantic you
guys like like my son was like mommy, the neighbors
are going to come and knock because you sound
like a 500 pound man giving these burps that
sound like and he imitates them. It's like, it's
awful. It's God awful. And my stomach was so
bad. I was taking pepsi. I was taking gas X.
And the way that I started the podcast, I was
going to tell you guys I also was warming up
like one of those heating pads that you put in
the microwave. I was going to lay down with it
on my stomach. I haven't used it in a while.
That was when I had my pinched nerve a couple
months ago. I was using it for the pinched nerve.
So I warm it up and I go in my room to put it
on my stomach. And as I'm walking, I hear this
like tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I'm like,
what is that? The thing had broken and there's
little beads and seeds falling out of it all
across the hallway going to my bedroom. So I
was kind of annoyed. And that's when I was like,
you know what? And that's when I thought of how
I was feeling so sick. I'm like, you know, I
should record about this. So we closed that loop.
So that was really kind of the point of of that
part of it. So we left off where basically I
had that hypomanic episode after the breakup
with my boyfriend and I was able to spend that
summer traveling with the production company
and just really being so successful and so happy.
And at the end of that summer, Actually, my sister
and my cousin, Daniella, who I mentioned earlier,
and my sister Christina, who's the one that's
two and a half years younger than me, they came
out and visited me in June. So him and I broke
up, I think, like the end of April. Oh, my God,
which is so weird because that other boyfriend
I had that I am still in love with, that the
long distance, we also broke up the very end
of April. Oh, God, I hope that's not a sign.
But anyway. So we broke up in end of April. I
got the apartment and then my sister my cousin
came out and We had the best time Even though
a weird story I picked them up from the airport
and I brought them directly to this place Sharkies
and Hermosa Beach and I'm sure any of my California
friends that are listening or my New Jersey friends
that are listening Remember that place because
it was so much fun and like we would drink out
of these like fishbowl friggin alcoholic beverages
I don't even know how I wasn't like vomiting
everywhere but it was so much fun. So we pull
in, I pick them up from LAX and we pull in and
my sister's like, like so bugsy looking through
her like purse and she's like, oh my God, I don't
have my wallet. And I'm like, what? And she's
like, I don't have my wallet. And I'm like, well,
where could it be? Now, mind you, looking back,
I was like on like a heightened state because
of like the hypomania, even though we didn't
have any idea that's what it was, because you
guys have to remember that hypomania is basically
Like a step up for my normal personality. It
just seems that I'm like just a little bit more
energized but the big thing about hypomania and
Mania is you get extremely irritable like extremely
irritable like every little thing can set you
off So I would be like laughing and telling the
story one minute and if somebody interrupted
me, I'd be like, excuse me I'm speaking. Did
you not notice that I was speaking? so So we
went back to the airport, and I don't remember
the specifics, but listen to this crazy story,
you guys. We go back to the airport. My sister
and my cousin decided to get some sort of margarita
on the plane, which is funny, because my sister
really doesn't drink, but my cousin does. So
they got a margarita, and I guess my sister took
out her wallet to pay for it. We get back to
the airport. We somehow track down the plane
they were on. They tell us that the plane is
still there, that it never had another flight
afterwards, because it was like maybe they landed
at like 6 p .m. They never had another flight
afterwards. And this this man, this like Janet,
not Janitor, but like some sort of maintenance
man, offered to go back on the plane. She told
him what seat she was in and he comes out with
her effing wallet. Now, remember, she her ID
was in there. Her money was in there like she
wouldn't have been able to fly home. So I'm thinking
about this now, again, a story I haven't thought
about in forever. And my sister and cousin right
now are probably like, oh my God, we haven't
thought about this. And I called him an angel.
I'll never forget, because they would tell the
story that I like jumped up and I gave him this
huge hug. And I was like, oh my God, you're an
angel. You're an angel from above. You saved
us. And then we had this like amazing. like long
weekend together we went to this place guys what
was that place called where we it was a sushi
place but it was like a wild sushi place where
you would you would sign up you would make a
reservation and um it would be like a two or
three hour like block that you were there and
it was like a party it was like a huge like party
and like you went there and I remember they gave
you little kegs of Japanese beer on the table
and when I went to California the first time
I ever had sushi or anything was with these girls
that I've told you guys about that I had just
they just were the best and they took me to a
sushi restaurant this is now backtracking and
they're like oh we should do sake bombs and I'm
like what's that and they're like oh my god you
know what sake bombs are and again Don't even
know I don't even think we were 21 at the time.
I don't remember I have no idea how we were even
doing this but we would be it so basically they
explained to me that everybody gets like a little
glass of Japanese beer and These little shot
glasses of sake and you put these two Chopsticks
on top of the glass and you put the shot on top
of this the Chopsticks and then everybody says
in unison guys like if this doesn't sound amazing.
I don't know what does Everyone says in unison,
Saki, Saki, Saki, bomb. And on bomb, everybody
punches, like puts their fist down on the table,
like slams on the table, and the shot glass falls
into the beer, and you have to chug it, okay?
And in like within 30 seconds, you're buzzed.
And it was the best. Now, my 44 -year -old self,
if I did it now, God knows what would happen.
I'd probably end up in the hospital. But at the
time, it was amazing. So this sushi place, this
other place, Someone's gonna remember the name
of it and then I'll put it in the blurb But it
was this crazy place you'd wait in this long
line But you'd have a reservation and for three
hours you guys you would get like all this sushi
to the table they'd bring out the kegs of the
sock of the Japanese beer and everyone would
do sake bombs and then they'd have these Performances
were like all of a sudden the backstreet boys
would come out into the middle of the restaurant
the lights would go down and All these lights
would be going in everybody's on the chairs dancing
and screaming It is the absolute best thing,
I think one of the best I've ever experienced.
And this is so funny because I was just driving
and this has just brought out such an inspiration
to me like in myself. And I was thinking I had
these like daydreams of grandeur like, oh my
God, imagine if like this message really starts
to like spread like wildfire, like this message
of hope. And I'm able to like go and get like
interviewed, like whether it be on a podcast
or like a news station or something. And I said
to myself, if that ever happens to me, I'm going
to pull an Ellen DeGeneres like she used to do
on her show. And after the interview or maybe
even before, I want to have a dance party. I
wanna bring a music set list, like a couple songs,
like it'll be different every time. And I'm gonna
tell these people ahead of time, wear your frigging
dancing shoes, make sure you dress comfortable,
and we're gonna have a dance party. And maybe
that was my subconscious realizing I was gonna
talk about this place, but it was so much fun.
So they were there for the week and looking back
on them visiting. It's funny because we have
video or something and you hear me talking in
the background because I arranged this this night
for us. I arranged the sushi thing and then we
all went back to my little studio apartment and
had like this big party and it's funny because
my sister is a homebody. She's always been. She's
not a party girl, not a party animal to the point
where when I came back from my freshman year
of college, I had to go through my photo album
and pull out the pictures of me with drinks with
beer because she would get mad at me. So we're
in the middle of this, like there's like 15 people
in my apartment. Everyone's drinking. We probably
like ordered pizzas. And all of a sudden, my
sister pulls down the Murphy bed, goes in the
bathroom, puts on her pajamas. She's brushing
her teeth and she comes out and she's like, all
right, guys, well, I'm ready to, you know, say
good night. And it was just so funny. And me
and my cousin still talk about it because she
ended up still staying late night, my cousin
with one of the fellas just like chatting for
the rest of the night. So that's kind of how
my summer kicked off. Now this was, yeah, this
was 2005. So this was how it kicked off. And
then I had the summer of an amazing experience
working on this production, production company.
And then the end of the summer in August, my
four best friends from William Patterson, AKA
Willie P. I think it was four of them, right?
Girls are five. Corey, Sarah, Tina, and Elena.
So it was the four of them. God, I hope I'm not
forgetting someone. Yeah, it was the four of
them. So they come out, and one of the things
that we were obsessed with in college, and I
will tell you, I was kind of obsessed my whole
life, was psychics. Because my mom always believed
in psychics, and she used to have these psychic
parties where a psychic would come to the house,
and we'd put the psychic in one of the bedrooms,
and they'd do these one -on -one readings. And
I'll never forget, I snuck into the bedroom the
one time under the bed. I probably found my frigging
punished stuffed animal under there, but I was
under... the bed and I'm like oh my god I'm gonna
hear this reading and all of a sudden the guy
the psychics like um I'm sorry there's another
person in this room right now I'm not gonna be
able to do this reading and then I remember I
like came out I'm like oh sorry I was just looking
for something and my mom got so mad at me so
I was always into psychics and I always felt
that I had like a little something like I like
to call it now more of like a sixth sense because
I don't like to use the word psychic and you'll
find out why in a little bit um So I always felt
that and anytime I did get read by like any kind
of psychic they usually did bring that up They're
like, you know, you feel that you do have a gift
and they would always say the same thing like
you don't know how to harness it and You know,
it makes you anxious a lot of the times like
you need to tap into it all this stuff So we
would go to these psychics and there's a story.
Oh my god, you got girls. Do you remember this?
We were in like the Willowbrook mall Okay, because
again, we're in college. College days we went
to the mall. That was like the thing to do. We're
in the mall and it's like we would have just
been walking around like with suckers written
on our forehead. We're in the middle of the mall.
Some woman walks up to us and she's like, hello
girls. Would you like a psychic reading? And
we're like, yeah, we love psychics. And she's
like, okay, follow me to my house. And we all
get in like probably Sarah's like hooptie car
and we follow this woman to her house I don't
remember what town it was we go into her house
There's all these weird like family members there
and I remember it was like really like musty
and like weird and She gave us all these like
readings and then we all had to pay her in like
checks Because I don't think there was debit
card or whatever and I'll never forget Corey
was dating Polly at the time, which is her love
of her life and they're married with two beautiful
twin boys and I remember she told us later that
she like told him and he's like are you guys
out of your effing minds and she's telling us
this and we're all the four the four or five
of us are like Why like why is that weird? You
know, like we never had that concept of like
We could be in a dangerous situation Another
part of this is when we used to go to the frat
parties, because William Patterson is in Wayne,
New Jersey, which is a very, very nice town,
but right next to Patterson, New Jersey, which...
We got, we were lost because again, there's no
GPS. We were going to like an eighties party.
We all were dressed to the nines, glitter, crimped
hair, like wild clothes. And we got lost. Sarah
was driving again, the hoopty. And we got lost
in the middle of the Patterson. And this cop
pulls us over and he comes to the window and
sees like four or five of us smushed in this
car with like glitter on our faces. And he's
like, um, girls, do you know where you are? And
we're like, um, we're looking. for the teak frat
house, which mind you, frat houses are illegal
in New Jersey. So like one of us said that, I
think it was Sarah, and then like Corey or whatever,
like slapped her on the arm. They're like, oh,
we're just like going to a party. He goes, well,
you're in the sewer of the state right now. And
we're just like, what? And he's like, you're
in Patterson. You need to get out of here. And
again, even looking back, it's like, oh, okay.
And then we found our party and we never thought
anything of it. So they come to visit me the
end of August and It was amazing and we did I
think we did the sushi place again And we just
did all of these things and I remember I took
them to like a sex shop which looking back again
I think at the time that was part of the hypomania
because even though thank God I did not like
I didn't have that manic symptom where you literally
can just like go and sleep with everybody and
It's really bad and some people got themselves
in a lot of trouble some people throughout their
life because of that So I didn't have that but
I definitely had a little bit more of a height
in sexuality because that's something I would
have never done normally But we went to the sex
shop. So we go to the sex shop and we're walking
now I will tell you guys right now. I wish I
could give the address of this psychic I really
wish I could I know she was in West Hollywood
because we were close to where I used to work
close to Barney's which I think is closed now
and We were walking down the street And once
again, and I think, again, it's very interesting.
I think some of these people do have a gift to
a certain degree where they can kind of catch
the eye of someone or a group and be like, you
know, they might be good for me to approach.
So she was on the younger side and she comes
up and she's like, hi girls, like, do you want
a psychic reading? So we go into her little like,
like. um storefront place and the four of us
or the five of us yeah because it was four of
them and then me we each get these psychic readings
and her name was Raquel okay and we each got
the reading and none of us really talked about
the readings looking back that's kind of weird
because we always normally would um which makes
me think at the time she probably gave us each
the message like you know i don't want you to
talk about this like this is something for you
to know for yourself And I remember as I was
walking out, she gave me her business card and
she's like, listen, if you ever need anything
or you want to come back, please call me. She
goes, they told me that they're not from here,
that they're just visiting you. So, you know,
I'm here if you need me. So we leave and the
trip was wonderful. And when they left, you guys,
that was the first time since I had ever been
in California that I felt immediate homesickness.
And I was really, really sad. when they left.
And this was obviously before therapy and before
other things where maybe I would have had some
better resources. But I felt like I could never
tell my family that I was homesick or that I
missed them because they were sad that I wasn't
there. So I was kind of like in this place very
alone. And then things started changing at work.
I remember again now there's not the traveling
like I always seem to do better I guess when
I was out on the road with the shows So now I'm
back in the office and that huge hero project
that I worked on that I loved Never got picked
up So that was kind of a blow and then now I'm
back in the in the casting department at the
office And there's just like not much going on
So again, we're talking about these highs these
super super highs and then these lows So after
like maybe a week or two that they had left,
I'm like at my apartment, it's quiet. And I come
across the business card of the psychic Raquel.
And I'm like, you know, I'm like, maybe I should
call her. And I remember I had like a little
Samsung like flip phone. I'll never forget this.
It was silver. And I call her and she answers
the phone. I'm like, hi, Raquel. My name's Alana.
I met you a couple of weeks. Oh, Alana. I was
just thinking about you. I had a feeling you
were going to call me. So of course, in my mind,
I'm like, oh my God, she really is psychic. So
she's like, oh, come on in, you know, we'll talk.
So I went in, like she again, she was right by
my work. So I went like after work one day and
she's like, don't worry, I'm not going to charge
you for this. And the charge for that first reading
was like 40 bucks, which is like nothing. So
she's like, don't worry, I'm not going to charge
you for this. Like, I just want to check in.
Like I've been feeling your energy. You know,
I know that you are here by yourself. And so
it was almost like kind of like therapy. And
we talked and it came up that she did feel like
that. I probably had some sort of gift. And she
felt that I was struggling with work and that
I was struggling with relationships. And again,
you're hearing this and you're probably like,
well, anyone could say that to anyone and you're
absolutely right. But because I was in the mental
state that I was, and I'm not talking necessarily
hypomanic, because at this point, looking back,
I was very much in between episodes. So I wasn't
hypomanic and I wasn't in a full depression.
I was somewhere in between, but I wasn't healthy.
I wasn't stable. That's how I would describe
it. So I meet with her that day and I leave and
I'm like, oh, I feel like a little bit better.
And she calls me like the next day and she's
like, Alana, I need to see you. It's very important.
So I'm like, oh my God. So I go there after work
and she sits me down and she's like, listen.
I had a vision that came to me and she talked
a lot about her church like she like Psychics
talk about this church that they're part of some
of them do she talked about it a lot So she goes
listen I had this vision that came to me last
night and I have to tell you what it was I'm
like, okay She goes when your mother was pregnant
with you there was a woman that wanted to be
with your father and I'm like what and she's
like, yes and she put black magic curse on your
mother, but instead it went on to you. And you
have had this curse for all of this time of your
life. And that is why you have not been able
to hold on to relationships. It's why you feel
very in flux and things are great and then things
are horrible. And I wanna help you. I'm like,
oh my, again, you guys like, even if you guys
are now strangers listening to this, I think
at this point, if you've listened to all my episodes,
you like are getting a feel for my personality.
So you could just picture my eyes are wide. I'm
like, oh my God, Raquel, what do we have to do?
Tell me, this all makes so much sense. So she's
like, I have to do candle work on you. I have
to do it with my church. My church needs to be
involved in this because this is a very, very
heavy black curse on you. But we need to do it
immediately. So I'm like, OK. She's like, now
it is going to cost a little bit of money. So
I'm like, OK, well, I mean, I don't have much
money. And she's like, well, this is going to
be thirty eight hundred dollars. So I'm like,
what? I go, I don't have that kind of money.
I'm like, I can't ask my family. And she goes,
do you have any credit cards? And I'm like, well,
I have like an emergency credit card. I'm like,
but I, and I think at the time it was probably
my dad's. She's like, well, you've been working
now, so you can get your own credit card. You
can take out your own credit card. And she's
like, and what you can do is, and she told me
this whole instructions that you can go to like
the ATM and you can take cash out of this credit
card. So I'm like, I don't know. And I remember
like, even though I fully believed her, I fully
believed her. I was hesitant for a minute, not
like thinking, oh, this is fake. It was more
like, oh my God, like, how am I going to like
pay her this money? So she's like, but Alana,
the thing is, if we don't do this soon, I'm really
afraid of what's going to happen because I've
seen these visions and I don't even want to repeat
them to you. But if we don't do this, it's going
to get bad. She's like, now listen, she goes,
listen, I really care about you and I have this
connection with you. You do not at all have to
give me thirty eight hundred dollars up front.
She's like, you can give me a little bit at a
time. She's like, but we need to start this and
I'm like, okay, okay And she's like so if you
can give me maybe like two or three hundred tomorrow
Then we can start this I said, okay And she's
like but here's the biggest part of this and
I'm like and I'm just like standing there like
eyes wide like a deer in fucking headlights She's
like you cannot tell anyone about this Because
the way this black magic works is if you tell
someone It can be a thousand times worse than
what it already is Okay I'm like my face is burning
hot right now you guys telling you the story
because it brings back so many crazy emotions
in my body um So I leave okay, I leave and I
go and I go home and the next day I had, I guess
I did already have a credit card under my name,
so I started taking the money out. Now... I guess
I was still more on the hypomanic side because
I remember during this time I met this guy at
Barney's and we spent like six hours together
and I was convinced he was my soulmate and we
were like obsessed like we had this like great
night together and I was convinced that that
was it this was the guy I was supposed to be
with and that was the first night I've ever had
anyone ask me if I had a vice and I remember
telling the story down the road and looking back
he definitely like did cocaine And that's what
he was looking to find out, which that brings
me to the point where when I first went to California,
people just assumed I was a cocaine addict because
of how fast I spoke and my energy level because
California people do not, they're not like this.
I mean, let's be honest, a lot of New Jersey
people are not like this, but California definitely
not. So not only did they always pick up on my
accent, like the minute I would say something,
they're like, oh my God, are you from New York?
Say coffee, say Manzanita Hall, which is one
of the buildings I would have to look for. So
anyway, so the point I'm trying to make with
the guy is I remember going into work the next
morning after I met this guy and I wrote this
long email. Now this must have been a week or
two after I started giving her money because
I literally put in the email, I was at the ATM
getting cash to give to my psychic. And then
in parentheses, I put something like, no worries,
everybody. You know, she's really helping me
through a hard time. All good. I'm in control.
Nobody ever commented on that. Nobody, I think
what happened, like I've talked about where people
got that long email and I think the friends and
even like, I mean, I sent it out to like my entire
contact list. So again, like the 2017 mania,
people who hadn't heard from me since 2005 are
like, what the fuck? Why is she emailing and
texting us? That email went out. Like I remember
from to like some of my guy friends in high school
like ones that I think to this day I still have
a crush on you know who you are if you know you
know um and they got this email and people were
like what the hell what's going on with her but
that was it nobody followed through nobody reached
out nobody was like are you okay nobody nobody
nobody was like um how much money are you giving
this psychic like nobody said that so it just
continued so one night in the middle now I had
given her I think maybe like close to 2000 at
this point. And most of you would know that with
credit cards, when you do take money like that,
it's a huge interest rate. So I'd given her almost
like 2000. And I remember one day she called
and she's like, hi, she's like, um, you know,
do you, are you going to be able to like bring
any more money? Cause the work I'm really trying
to do this work, but the church is really asking
me. So I'm like, you know, I don't have any cash.
She goes, well, I'm at the mall right now. If
you want, you could come here and you could just
pay for my Macy's purchase. And I fucking did
it, you guys. I drove to the mall. Now, again,
I guess I take that back when I said I was in
between hypomania and depression. I was definitely
still close to hypomania, because I clearly was
not really fully thinking this through. So I
went there and I paid, and I'll never forget.
A couple, I, no, I want to say, then I started
coming down and... In the middle of the night
one night, I had this crazy dream about my dad,
like really crazy, vivid, vivid dream that something
happened to him. And he basically died. That
was my dream. And I started calling him the next
morning, and he wasn't answering, and I'm calling
my mom. Now mind you, they're divorced, but like
I mentioned, they're very good friends. They
can get in touch with each other very easily.
And I'm like, Mom, something's gonna happen to
Dad. And she's like, Elena, what are you talking
about? I go, something's gonna happen. So I call
Dad. I finally get him on the phone. I go, Dad,
please. I go, please go to the doctor. He goes,
Zib. He goes, I have an appointment two weeks
from now. I go, Dad, please, please go. So he
goes to the doctor and they do, cause he was
a heart patient. He had his first heart attack
at 43 when I was a sophomore in college right
after 9 -11. That's a story for another day as
well. But yeah, so he's been a heart patient.
So at that time he had gotten stents in his arteries.
So he had maybe like two or three stents. So
now it's 2005. I can't do the math. You guys,
I'm horrible with math, but it's 2005. He's not
much older than that. Cause that was sophomore
year of college. And now this is the year after
I graduated. So just a couple years later. So
he goes to the doctor and he told them the truth.
He was, listen, I know I have this appointment,
but my daughter called, she's in California,
you know, she was hysterical. So they do the
artery tests, you guys, and they come back to
him and they say, John, you were within five
days of having a massive heart attack. You need
to go to the hospital right now. And they had
to put in like three or four more stents. Okay.
So at that time, Who did I call? The psychic
Raquel and I'm like, oh my god, and she's like,
oh my god What happened and of course I start
telling her and she goes I knew it I had this
vision you have to come in you have to come in
Alana You have to come in right like today. You
have to come in today. So I go there. I'm crying
I like get there. I'm like hysterical and she's
like listen she goes I have to tell you that
I had this vision I know your father's in the
hospital. We need to do work on him. We have
to do this. Like it has to be done. So I'm like,
Oh my God. I'm like, no, like not more work.
She goes, listen, I've talked to the church.
They're willing to forego the rest of your debt,
which I had paid like 3 ,300 at this point. And
she's like, they're willing to forego that, but
we need to do this work for your dad. She's like,
but this involves gold coins being buried in
the soil. that we're gonna have to water and
let them grow and that will represent your father's
arteries to make sure that they're clear so he
does not have a heart attack. So I'm just looking
at her. I'm like, oh my God. And I'm like, and
I'm crying and she's like, but listen, this kind
of work is a lot more intense. So this is gonna
be $5 ,800. And I'm like, oh my god. And she
goes, but here's the thing, Alana, I hate telling
you this. If we don't do this, your father will
never walk out of that hospital. So as a listener,
if you were 22 years old, out 3 ,000 miles from
your family, you can't tell anyone. Not friends,
not family. You don't have a therapist. You're
completely by yourself. Your world has been completely
rocked for numerous reasons over the past six
months. What would you have done? So what did
I do? I started paying her the money and lo and
behold, dad left the hospital clean as a whistle.
a week later and then whenever he'd have something
like this done he'd always be like I got new
pipes guys I got new pipes and he would do this
like little move with his arms like these muscle
moves he's like I got new pipes come on come
on I got new pipes so So the money thing just
started continuing. And then my mom came to visit
me in October. Now I can tell you that by October,
I was starting to feel different. I knew something
was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. I started
getting very introverted at work. Instead of
being the queen bee cheerleader, I would get
there and I would walk to my desk and I would
stay quiet. And instead of wearing these bright
colors, I was wearing dark colors and I was just
trying to fly under the radar. And I think part
of the reason is the credit card bills started
to come in. So as I'm seeing all these credit
card bills, I'm getting so overwhelmed and scared.
and being like, what am I gonna do? Like I got
myself so deep. And then mind you, she's still
calling me. It was like a drug dealer. She's
still calling me. She's telling me all these
things, like more and more things that are gonna
be happening in my life. And I remember she gave
me these candles and she told me to light them
and like meditate on them. And I'll never forget
the night that I did it. And again, I have not
thought about this and I'm crying and I remember
exactly where I was. I was sitting on this couch.
which god knows who else has sat on the couch
because remember it was a fully furnished apartment
and i'm looking at these huge gigantic like tall
like church candles and i'm closing my eyes and
i'm crying and i remember now what vision i had
i had the vision of jesus carrying the cross
on his back walking through fire that's what
i saw and I remember telling her that, and she
turned it around and was like, exactly, Alana,
exactly. I mean, if we don't do this work, you're
gonna feel like you're carrying the weight of
the world on your shoulders. We need to get you
cleansed. So my mom came in October. We had a
very good weekend, but there was a lot of shit
that happened. I remember we went to a yoga class
where the dad from Beverly Hills 90210... Mr.
Walsh was in the friggin yoga class. How cool
is that? We would see celebrities. I would see
celebrities all the time. That's why California
is amazing. So We come out to the car and I have
a ticket. And then I realized that I have, I'm
like, everything's expired. Registration's expired,
like my insurance, everything is expired. And,
no, not my insurance, I'm sorry, because my dad
was handling that. But the registration had been
expired. I forget the specifics. But again, looking
back, I was getting foggy. I was going down.
And when you go down, everything becomes hard
to manage. Everything is hard to manage. Everything
starts piling up. And I remember I just couldn't
fully be myself with my mom that weekend, and
I was so scared she was going to notice. And
she didn't say anything. And then she left. And
then probably three weeks or four weeks later
is the day that I've talked about where. I just
a couple of days before that, I said again, I
kind of in my heart was starting to feel like,
you know, I'm going to. I'm possibly not going
to be here anymore. Like I'm possibly going to
take my life. Like at that point, I didn't know
what was wrong with me, but I knew that I felt
like I didn't want to be here anymore. Not even
that I didn't want to, that I couldn't, that
I physically and mentally could not. Now, mind
you, this woman is still calling me to bring
her money. And so I just lost my train of thought
for like the first time ever, I think, on here,
only because this is bringing back so many fucking
crazy emotions. So my mom left and then a couple
weeks later, out of nowhere, I said to my friend
Rupa, I was like, Rupa, you know, it's kind of
weird. You don't even have my mom's phone number.
You should probably have my mom's phone number,
like just in case of anything, like you can get
in touch with her. So I gave her my mom's phone
number. And then there was that morning where
I woke up and I was just ready to end it. I was
ready to end it. I was ready. And I was sobbing
hysterical. And what happened was my boss, Christy,
who I mentioned earlier, she knew that I've never
missed work. I've never like not called or anything.
And I wasn't there. And she got concerned. And
we used to communicate. Do you guys remember
this? We used to communicate in the whole office
because it was this huge building through Trillian.
Trillian was like the name of the messenger.
It was like AIM, like AIM messenger, but it was
called Trillian. So you had like your work contacts
and then you had like your actual friends. So
she reached out to Rupa, I think this is how
it happened, and told Rupa that I wasn't there.
And Rupa obviously knew where I lived where I
don't think Christy did. So Rupa showed up to
my apartment and that's when I'm laying there
on the floor thinking about those knives in the
kitchen and all of a sudden Rupa is like pounding
on the door. First she's just knocking regularly
and then I'm not answering but she had she said
I'll never forget that she's like Alana I pulled
in and I saw your car there and I knew something
was wrong and she's pounding pounding now she's
getting like worried and I open the door and
I'm just like oops I'm thinking about killing
myself and she'll never forget the sound of her
voice. What? What? We have to go right now. We
have to go right now. Get your stuff, we're going.
And I don't know how she ended up calling my
mom without me hearing the conversation, but
she called my mom and then cut to the story I
told the other day where Carla, my ex -boyfriend's
mom, came and met us at the hospital. and they
sent me home with some sort of anti -anxiety,
anti -depressant, and that was it, they released
me. And it became a weird thing because obviously
Christy had heard about it, and I remember she
calls me into her office, and again, she was
always just like so warm and comforting. She
was like a big sister, that's exactly how she
was. And I'll never forget, she's like, Alana,
I knew something was wrong. She's like, because
you were not you. Which, what have I been saying,
you guys? Depression takes... you completely
away from yourself. So she's like bringing up
stuff that we did in the summer when I was like
happy and jumping. I remember like I tried to
save a parking spot or something. She talked
about how like I jumped out of the car and like
jumped into a parking spot with my arms and legs
spread so that we could get the parking spot.
And she's like, and she looked at me and oh my
God, again, I haven't thought of this. She looked
at me and she goes, Alana, I haven't seen that
girl in a really long time. And Now obviously
my parents knew about this and I told I already
mentioned that might when my mother called my
father My father broke down hysterical saying
it was his fault because he suffered with depression
my grandmother my father's mother suffered with
mental illness and Knowing now knowing now that
it was most likely bipolar disorder But you know
the option of medication was just not to be had
for numerous reasons so They booked me a ticket
to come home. I had no idea how long I was gonna
stay I had no idea what was gonna happen, but
at this point you guys the depression was so
Bad, I don't even know how I got how I packed
a bag how I got to the airport I don't know how
I did that, but I remember that Flight home like
it was yesterday There's this song called Baby
Girl by Sugarland. And that song I heard when
I was going to California for the first time.
Back when on the planes you used to just plug
in your earplugs and like listen to the radio
and I heard it for the first time. And it gave
me goosebumps up and down my body because it's
a song basically, first of all, my mom and dad,
especially my mom always calls me baby girl.
And California is what introduced country music
to me. So, you know, there was a lot of different
things and I was listening to the song and it
basically talked about how she, I think it was
like supposed to be Nashville. Like she went
somewhere and she was, she wanted to make it
big and she was playing in these bars and she
didn't have any money and she was writing home
to her parents. Dear mom and dad, please send
money. I'm so broke that it ain't funny. And
then the last verse, she makes it. and her dreams
came true. And she sings, dear mom and dad, I'll
send money. I'm so rich that it ain't funny.
It should be more than enough to get you through.
Please don't worry, cause I'm all right. See,
I'm staying in here at the Ritz tonight. Well,
and it's just, so I heard that song and that
was like my dream. My dream was to make it big.
Probably as an actress at that point so that
I could send money to my mom and dad So that
I could take care of them And I wasn't able to
do that while my dad was here So on that six
-hour flight back I am now a shell of myself
I am literally gnawing on my cuticles picking
at my cuticles was something that I've done my
whole life and I was my fingertips were bleeding
on this flight and I don't remember being picked
up I don't remember the drive home And my whole
world was so confused. I was so confused. Like,
what is this? Why do I feel this way? How did
I get here? I'm thinking about all this time
and all this success. And now my life felt like
it was over. And I remember talking to my family
after all of this. And my sister was like, Sis,
you were gone. Your eyes were empty. You barely
spoke. And I was home for a little while and
they're bringing me these doctors and I got CAT
scans and my dad was convinced the carbon monoxide
detector in my apartment was busted and that
I had some sort of poisoning from it. And I remember
we went to my family doctor. And he actually
brought up bipolar disorder. And we're like,
I'm like, oh my God, like I didn't say that because
I wasn't speaking. But like my mom, we were like,
no, no, that can't be it. This is, this is not
that. So then he said depression. So he put me
on a medication and it didn't really help. And
every, every couple of weeks he was like raising
it. So I had come home in November. So the depression
probably started in October, I would say now
it's November and I'm home and my mom and, you
know, and my, oh, and then we had a family meeting.
So my dad used to love family meetings, which
I hated. So we had this family meeting and I
remember he had a backwards hat on with like
his guinea tee. He used to wear these guinea
tees and he takes out his paper. Cause he always
liked to make like little like diagrams. And
he's like, zip, he goes, let's do a timeline.
And he's like, something must have happened.
To all of a sudden make you start feeling different
and guys remember in the back of my head. I'm
like I can't tell anyone I Can't tell a soul
about this It's gonna get worse like how could
it get any worse than what I'm feeling right
now and like I started blaming myself because
I started to I started to doubt it I finally
started to get that feeling like maybe this woman
wasn't trying to help me like maybe she just
wanted money and I was having those thoughts
and then I was getting more depressed so then
I'm like fighting within my own brain and heart
being like Alana don't have that thought don't
think that oh my god that's why you're feeling
like this so my dad sat there and I'll never
forget and we went through everything and I'm
like no there was nothing there was nothing I
don't know um and then one day my mom called
me and she goes Alana she goes I'm reading this
book and I just want you to know it's definitely
not bipolar disorder because it talks about how
you spend all of this money on something that
you feel is worth it, but really it's a crazy
amount of money for something you wouldn't normally
do. Well, I dropped to my knees, started sobbing,
started telling her a little bit. She's like,
I'll be there in two minutes. And she comes to
the house. At this point, I think my dad was
living at the house with the kids and my mom
was in a condo. And I started telling her everything.
And then... We had another family meeting where
I had to repeat the story. My mom, I think, mostly
told my dad on her own and then I kind of repeated
it. And we sit down and I'll never forget what
my dad said. He started out by saying, Zib, it's
only money. It's only money. OK, that's the first
thing. The second thing is we're gonna get this
bitch for all she's worth. And my mom's like,
John, John, John, let's not, let's not do that.
Let's not go there. Let's not go there. Let's
focus on Alana's health. So... So now they knew.
So now we knew that there was some sort of like
trigger that caused this and then at this point
we were realizing we really need to find a psychiatrist
because just the regular doctor just kept increasing
this antidepressant that was not doing anything.
So we were looking for a psychiatrist and then
this is the crazy part guys, hold on to your
hats for this one. So then it turns out somebody
in our family was like a private detective out
in LA. Okay, a family friend and it got of course
got around the whole family of what had happened
to me and everyone and of course they didn't
know all these details which they'll now know
but they knew there was like a really fucked
up situation that happened to me and now I was
really sick. So this detective as like a as like
a favor looked into this psychic and he had like
a girl like a younger not a girl but like a younger
woman that worked with him and he sent her in
with a wire for a reading. And he calls me and
he goes, hey, Alana, it's so and so. He goes,
listen, I know you're going through a really
hard time. He goes, you know, before I tell you
what went on, I need to tell you something. He
goes, I work with celebrities. I work with A
-listers. I work with top executives. And a con
artist is a con artist. He's like, I've worked
with people that have been scammed out of hundreds
of thousands of dollars by these psychics, these
so -called psychics. And he says, so I know the
amount of money that you put out feels like so
much money and now you're real, like maybe wondering
like what did I do? He's like, but it's, I just
want you to know you're not alone. So he tells
me the story that this girl went in, now mind
you guys, she is a private detective, she knows
what she's doing there. He goes, Alana, she goes
in, she comes out, she's a believer, she's a
believer. He's like we sat there and listened
to the recording I'm like don't you notice that
she's taking this cue from you and this cue from
you and He said he looked into it. She was from
this like gypsy family So so most of them what
I found out after the fact is they're like this
gypsy I don't want to say Hispanic because I
don't want to put it out there that that's the
like Denomination of what it is, but they're
usually like from some other culture and they're
like a cult So he said that he found out that
her and like all these family members live close
by in this like huge mansion and With all these
like high -end cars and they pay with everything
with cash Because that's how they're paid. That's
the other thing. It was only cashed like I couldn't
give her the credit card I had to get the cash
out so he tells me this and Unfortunately, we
were never able to follow through with anything.
So if anyone out there knows a Raquel which at
the very end when she started to suspect I think
that I was that I was starting to get on the
fence she told me she was pregnant and she couldn't
see me anymore but one of the next conversations
we had where she was talking to me over the phone
asking for more money I could hear that she was
smoking So I knew that that was a lie. And again,
I'm saying to myself, oh, that's a lie. And then
the next day I want to friggin slice my throat.
So again, it was like this crazy internal struggle
that I had. So. Time went by and we found a psychiatrist
and I was in such bad shape. Now it's like February,
you guys, like end of February. So now October,
November, December, January, February, it's five
months. My dad is still sending a rent check
for that 8 .25 every month out to California
because we didn't know what was gonna happen.
Like my dad just kept saying, Zib, we gotta get
you healthy and then you can decide, we can decide
what we wanna do. So I went to the psychiatrist
and I sat with her and she was the only person
that told me that she wasn't convinced it was
bipolar disorder, that she thought it was depression,
a deep depressive episode. That's what she said.
So of course, that's what I kind of wanted to
hear. And she goes, and this, the medication
you're on, if they just keep increasing it and
it's doing nothing, it means it's the wrong medication,
which that's a side note too, guys. Any disease,
any illness with medication, especially the mental
illnesses, people are like, oh, I'm not going
on medicine, it makes me a zombie. No, like my
son, ADHD medication is the same. If it changes
your personality and you feel like a zombie,
it just means it's not the right medication for
you. And I know it sucks because with psychiatric
medication, it takes weeks to get into your blood.
So it's like it's such a horrible cycle, but
you have to hang in there and you have to have
hope that you will find the right medication.
But you have to push through. You have to please,
please, please. So she puts me so she starts
to decrease the one I was on and she starts me
on a new one. You guys six days Six days on the
sixth day My sister and my mom they still tell
this story that they'll never forget They're
downstairs and I'm in the shower And all of the
sudden they heard me singing in the shower Which
I love to do and I've always done my whole life
And I think she said they both just started crying
and hugging each other And it just lifted from
there because that's what depressions do you
guys if you get the right treatment and there
is the right treatment out there and it lifted
and by May I had decided I Cannot live this far
from my family. I can't I need them so My bestie
mish that I mentioned earlier remember I told
you guys the story that we were basically barely
speaking and when I came back from California
and we had that and she found out about the psychic.
I had dinner with her and my friend, Molls. Mish
had us over to her apartment, her condo, and
I told them the whole story, and I'll never forget
this either. They told me a couple days later,
Mish said she called Molly the next day, and
she goes, I feel like I was hit by a fucking
train. And they were both, I think, shocked,
heartbroken. Because, you know, looking back.
I've had friends that have gone through depressions
and I didn't realize it at the time. And I feel
so guilty that I wasn't able to help them. And
I'm sure that's what they were feeling. So Mish
decided that she was going to drive cross country
with me. And so I flew back to California and
I packed up my stuff, which was not much. And
I had a few dinners and lunches with all my girls
out there. And it was bittersweet because of
course they were so sad to see me going. but
they didn't really see me in my worst of it because
I really hid myself from everyone. And then Mish
and I drove back cross country and it was again
one of the absolute best experiences of my entire
life. So guys, I hope that I could even upload
this whole thing because it's another 51 minutes.
I'm pretty spent right now. I'm going to take
a nap. I'm going to do some self care. I'm gonna
remind myself of what I've been through and how
far I fucking come. And another song that I heard
today, which I was obsessed with, obsessed with
in college, was Survivor by Destiny's Child.
And as I'm driving, because I had already decided
this morning I was gonna record this and tell
you guys about this. the trigger of my first
depression, which was this con artist, psychic.
And I'm driving, and all of a sudden I'm like,
this song is about fucking Raquel. That's what
this song is about. And it was so funny, because
last night Parker and I were talking, I was saying
how he asked me if I'd ever been cheated on.
And I'm like, no. And he's like, how do you know?
I'm like, I just know. I'm like, there's just
no way that I've ever been cheated on. And I
go, Parker, can you imagine what Mommy would
do if she caught somebody cheating on her? And
he's like, oh, God. I'm like, seriously, Parker.
I almost dare the man. I dare the man that thinks
he's going to cheat on me. Absolutely not. No
way, no how. So that kind of song, Survivor,
is usually about, I would think most people relate
it to a man that cheated. And I loved the song
College Girls. You know, we used to get up on
the bar and we used to sing it. I'm a survivor.
I'm not gonna give up. I'm not gonna stop. I'm
gonna work harder. I'm a survivor. So I'm singing
it and it's like, you thought I wouldn't breathe
without you. I'm inhaling. You thought I wouldn't
live without you, but I'm living. Like all this
stuff. You thought I wouldn't see without your
perfect vision. You thought I wouldn't last without
you, but I'm, that's what she says, but I'm living.
I'm living right like I've said how many times
have I fucking said that on these episodes I'm
living so guess what Raquel or whoever you guys
sitting here listening to this whoever fucking
conned you whether it was a boss whether it was
a boyfriend a brother whoever it is we are survivors
and we made it through And if you're in it right
now, you guys, you're gonna fucking make it through.
So I want you to find that song. I want you to
crank it up in your car, crank it up at the gym,
whatever you need to fucking do. And I want you
guys to think about that girl in California,
22 years old, scared out of her fucking mind
that if she didn't do what this girl was telling
her to do that she would lose her father and
I would possibly lose myself. And if I knew now,
no, if I knew then what I knew now, which is
I feel more connected to my father and more protected
by my father while he's in heaven, than I could
have ever even felt here, which believe me, I
always felt that here, but I feel it even more,
I would have said, you know what, Raquel? Take
your fucking $5 ,800 and shove it up your fucking
gypsy ass. Hang on, people. Pain fucking ends.