WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.339 Welcome to Everyone Deserves Sunshine. I'm Diana. 00:00:02.580 --> 00:00:04.980 And I'm Anusha. We're the girls in the crease. 00:00:05.179 --> 00:00:07.839 So last week, we did say we were gonna talk about 00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:10.660 hockey, but it's Mother's Day this week. Yeah, 00:00:10.699 --> 00:00:13.699 I remember this on about Friday. So we're switching 00:00:13.699 --> 00:00:16.420 it up because as many of you have learned, we 00:00:16.420 --> 00:00:18.780 don't really care about rules anymore, ever, 00:00:18.899 --> 00:00:21.120 really. Yeah, so we're just gonna - Why start? 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:24.940 Surprise! This episode is not about hockey. It's 00:00:24.940 --> 00:00:28.239 about moms. But - We will talk about hockey next 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:31.620 week, so stay tuned for our hockey aficionados, 00:00:31.699 --> 00:00:35.119 of which I am now one, Diana, as you know. You 00:00:35.119 --> 00:00:38.600 really, really are. This girl is texting me all 00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:42.719 week long about the Flyers, and she's really 00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:45.679 into it. You're really into it. I'm very into 00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:48.590 it. I've looked up a lot of stuff. Things like 00:00:48.590 --> 00:00:52.090 the Flyers power play statistics. Fun fact, they 00:00:52.090 --> 00:00:54.829 are not very good at power plays, which was demonstrated 00:00:54.829 --> 00:00:58.450 last game. Diana's shaking. I don't know what 00:00:58.450 --> 00:01:01.630 a power play is, but in my mind, I am very good 00:01:01.630 --> 00:01:05.689 at it. So, you know. Yes, you are. But anyway. 00:01:05.989 --> 00:01:09.670 Okay. So Mother's Day episode, Anusha and I would 00:01:09.670 --> 00:01:12.840 like to wish. Everyone listening, a happy Mother's 00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:15.319 Day. We know that this holiday can hold a lot 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:17.680 of different emotions for different people. For 00:01:17.680 --> 00:01:21.200 some, it's joyful and celebratory. For others, 00:01:21.299 --> 00:01:24.680 it could feel complicated and painful and bittersweet 00:01:24.680 --> 00:01:27.620 and perhaps even very heavy. So before we begin, 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:29.700 we just want to acknowledge all of that. We're 00:01:29.700 --> 00:01:32.680 thinking about people celebrating. Mother's Day. 00:01:32.780 --> 00:01:35.379 We're also thinking about people who are grieving 00:01:35.379 --> 00:01:38.439 the mothers they have lost, people who have perhaps 00:01:38.439 --> 00:01:40.959 strained or complicated relationships with their 00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:44.299 moms, people who had to grow up without moms 00:01:44.299 --> 00:01:47.459 or without the nurturing of a mom that they deserved, 00:01:47.799 --> 00:01:51.420 people who long to be mothers, who wanted children 00:01:51.420 --> 00:01:53.540 and couldn't have them, people who are mothers 00:01:53.540 --> 00:01:56.840 in every way except biologically, right? And 00:01:56.840 --> 00:02:00.060 then all those people carrying the invisible 00:02:00.060 --> 00:02:02.959 grief today while everyone around them may be 00:02:02.959 --> 00:02:05.519 posting you know flowers and brunch photos so 00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:07.959 we just wanted to say that yeah motherhood is 00:02:07.959 --> 00:02:12.740 complicated to say the least I constantly feel 00:02:12.740 --> 00:02:16.139 this way it has given both a sense of understanding 00:02:16.139 --> 00:02:20.520 of my own mother but also sometimes you fall 00:02:20.520 --> 00:02:23.780 into the cycle of acting like your own mom but 00:02:23.780 --> 00:02:26.139 also being like I don't want to be like my mom 00:02:26.139 --> 00:02:29.939 so it's very complicated yeah For sure. Thanks 00:02:29.939 --> 00:02:32.539 for saying that, Diana. Yeah, like, listen, and 00:02:32.539 --> 00:02:35.020 I think that's part of why we wanted to do this 00:02:35.020 --> 00:02:37.439 episode, right? Especially this weekend, because 00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:40.060 you and I are moms and we have moms and we both 00:02:40.060 --> 00:02:42.280 have different relationships with our moms. My 00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:45.900 mom, we actually just came back from going shopping 00:02:45.900 --> 00:02:49.740 together and she kept on trying to buy me a gift 00:02:49.740 --> 00:02:51.960 for Mother's Day. And I'm like, it's not, I'm 00:02:51.960 --> 00:02:55.280 not your mother, mother. She's like, but I still 00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:56.560 want to get you something. I'm like, I don't 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:58.159 think you understand how Mother's Day works. 00:02:59.390 --> 00:03:03.669 So anyway, so happy Mother's Day to all. Speaking 00:03:03.669 --> 00:03:05.870 of, do you have any plans this weekend for Mother's 00:03:05.870 --> 00:03:10.129 Day? Yeah, actually, the kids are taking me to 00:03:10.129 --> 00:03:12.669 their favorite restaurant. Wait, their favorite 00:03:12.669 --> 00:03:15.060 restaurant? Of course. It's called Select Pizza. 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:19.139 It's a very strange restaurant. The menu can 00:03:19.139 --> 00:03:21.960 only be described as everything. Exactly. There 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:25.539 is no rhyme or reason. It is their favorite place. 00:03:25.639 --> 00:03:27.599 And so that's what I'm doing. What are you doing? 00:03:27.719 --> 00:03:30.819 I don't have any plans. I always say to my family 00:03:30.819 --> 00:03:33.340 to leave me alone for Mother's Day and let me 00:03:33.340 --> 00:03:36.060 just be if I want to spend all weekend in bed. 00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:39.759 That is my prerogative. The only plan is that 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:43.120 I want them to do is to feed me. So like I. I 00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:46.099 need breakfast, lunch and dinner served on Mother's 00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:48.199 Day. And I don't want to think about it. Like, 00:03:48.219 --> 00:03:50.099 I don't want to be like, this is what I want. 00:03:50.199 --> 00:03:52.580 Like, I don't want my husband to come and say, 00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:54.560 what would you like to eat? That is not that 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:58.439 is not something I want to do. No, it is not 00:03:58.439 --> 00:04:00.860 a gift. I want them to know me well enough by 00:04:00.860 --> 00:04:04.120 now that they know what I would enjoy in the 00:04:04.120 --> 00:04:06.280 morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. 00:04:06.740 --> 00:04:09.960 So next week, I will tell you if my Mother's 00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:13.000 Day was good or bad. So you just want someone 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:17.579 to take away the mental load, which I completely 00:04:17.579 --> 00:04:21.860 understand. I don't think that will happen tomorrow 00:04:21.860 --> 00:04:26.019 for me personally. I'm sure I will be rounding 00:04:26.019 --> 00:04:29.660 up my little kids to try to make this brunch 00:04:29.660 --> 00:04:33.240 reservation on time. Oh, you actually have a 00:04:33.240 --> 00:04:35.379 reservation? Yes, because it's Mother's Day. 00:04:35.540 --> 00:04:39.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It will not be. Mental 00:04:39.300 --> 00:04:41.279 load free. As we were going to bed yesterday, 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:43.300 I said, it's Mother's Day weekend. That means 00:04:43.300 --> 00:04:47.360 I am unavailable for emotional regulation or 00:04:47.360 --> 00:04:51.000 for discussion of any kind, anything that requires 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:53.420 emotional labor. I'm unavailable for all of those 00:04:53.420 --> 00:04:55.939 things this very weekend. You are out of office. 00:04:56.000 --> 00:04:59.139 I am mentally and emotionally out of office. 00:04:59.180 --> 00:05:01.800 And for all the moms out there, I hope the same 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:05.209 for you. Yes. The greatest gift of all. The greatest 00:05:05.209 --> 00:05:08.029 gift of all. Okay, Anusha, let's get into our 00:05:08.029 --> 00:05:11.129 conversation about the moms of heated rivalry. 00:05:11.230 --> 00:05:17.189 Yes, yes. This is episode 17, Moms. Well, I think 00:05:17.189 --> 00:05:20.089 we need to give another disclaimer. It's not 00:05:20.089 --> 00:05:23.970 a happy episode because moms of heated rivalry, 00:05:24.230 --> 00:05:28.129 and that is very complicated and kind of sad. 00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:31.839 discussion. So if you're not in the mental state 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:35.579 of listening to today's episode, we get it. We 00:05:35.579 --> 00:05:38.139 forgive you. But perhaps do listen to it eventually. 00:05:38.860 --> 00:05:42.600 Like maybe when you have more fortitude. Right. 00:05:42.839 --> 00:05:45.319 Exactly. Yeah. So I think it is important to 00:05:45.319 --> 00:05:46.899 give that disclaimer because we're going to jump 00:05:46.899 --> 00:05:51.240 into Ilya's mom right now. Mom in absentia is 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:55.310 what I call it. feel her presence as much as 00:05:55.310 --> 00:05:58.889 her absence right right exactly exactly and like 00:05:58.889 --> 00:06:01.870 motherhood and the absence of it shapes people 00:06:01.870 --> 00:06:05.050 in profound ways sometimes beautifully and sometimes 00:06:05.050 --> 00:06:07.250 very painfully and actually most of the time 00:06:07.250 --> 00:06:10.730 like a mix of both one of the most you know, 00:06:10.730 --> 00:06:12.870 interesting and heartbreaking things about Ilya's 00:06:12.870 --> 00:06:16.370 character is how deeply he has been shaped by 00:06:16.370 --> 00:06:18.970 the loss of his mom, which we don't really even 00:06:18.970 --> 00:06:23.129 know until the very end of the show, right? We 00:06:23.129 --> 00:06:24.649 know that she's not there, but we don't know 00:06:24.649 --> 00:06:28.319 why she's not there. And so she's... Definitely 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:31.920 not present, but her absence echoes through everything 00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:35.000 he does and his thoughts, the way he loves, the 00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:38.360 way he performs. Even the way he like feels abandonment 00:06:38.360 --> 00:06:42.160 and then the way he turns himself into someone 00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:46.740 unforgettable so no one leaves him again. And 00:06:46.740 --> 00:06:51.120 also the way he protects his internal self from 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:55.519 hurt. This like fortress of emotions that he 00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:58.529 will not. open and i think that's what makes 00:06:58.529 --> 00:07:02.069 him such a like powerful character too his story 00:07:02.069 --> 00:07:06.990 in some way um is about like the lifelong impact 00:07:06.990 --> 00:07:10.490 of losing your mother's love at such a young 00:07:10.490 --> 00:07:15.430 delicate age right because like you know mothers 00:07:15.430 --> 00:07:18.750 are for many of us are your first emotional home 00:07:18.750 --> 00:07:22.959 um Frequently the people who like teach you safety 00:07:22.959 --> 00:07:25.699 and comfort and like regulation, like emotional 00:07:25.699 --> 00:07:29.279 regulation. Right. And like unconditional love 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:33.019 and attachment. I think especially and, you know, 00:07:33.019 --> 00:07:35.360 especially for boys right before adolescence. 00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:37.959 Right. Like he lost his mom when he was 12. Mothers 00:07:37.959 --> 00:07:40.819 are often the last like play softness is still 00:07:40.819 --> 00:07:43.779 permitted before the world starts like demanding 00:07:43.779 --> 00:07:46.950 them to perform, you know, this like. masculinity 00:07:46.950 --> 00:07:49.610 and toughness before the world tells you that 00:07:49.610 --> 00:07:52.769 like vulnerability is not okay like that it's 00:07:52.769 --> 00:07:54.529 dangerous like you know how ilia like anytime 00:07:54.529 --> 00:07:56.310 he becomes vulnerable and like he starts crying 00:07:56.310 --> 00:07:58.250 he always apologizes for it right because like 00:07:58.250 --> 00:07:59.990 the world told him that's not cool like you don't 00:07:59.990 --> 00:08:02.730 cry men don't cry boys don't cry right and so 00:08:02.730 --> 00:08:05.829 he loses his mom right as he reaches the age 00:08:05.829 --> 00:08:09.910 when he needs her most and you know around like 00:08:09.910 --> 00:08:12.490 12 is when like boys you know between like i 00:08:12.490 --> 00:08:15.139 would say like 11 and 13 that's when like many 00:08:15.139 --> 00:08:17.360 of them start hitting puberty. It's like one 00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:21.360 of the most emotionally vulnerable, developmental. 00:08:22.569 --> 00:08:24.689 periods of their time. And while at the same 00:08:24.689 --> 00:08:26.810 time, they're also being taught to hide their 00:08:26.810 --> 00:08:29.029 vulnerability. It's a very vulnerable time, but 00:08:29.029 --> 00:08:31.769 you're not allowed to show it. Right. And so 00:08:31.769 --> 00:08:33.830 that's when you're also starting to form an identity, 00:08:33.970 --> 00:08:35.710 who you are as a person. I could see it with 00:08:35.710 --> 00:08:38.490 my son, who is 12 right now. So it's like very, 00:08:38.590 --> 00:08:41.169 it's in my face, you know, like I could see him 00:08:41.169 --> 00:08:42.870 and I could see what the world is telling him 00:08:42.870 --> 00:08:45.169 and I could see what I'm telling him. And those 00:08:45.169 --> 00:08:48.129 two things are often incongruent. And no matter 00:08:48.129 --> 00:08:49.850 how hard I'm just like, no, like you're going 00:08:49.850 --> 00:08:51.830 to remain soft. You are going to remain this. 00:08:51.879 --> 00:08:54.440 sweet boy and you're going to treat people the 00:08:54.440 --> 00:08:56.240 same way and you're going to let your other friends 00:08:56.240 --> 00:08:58.940 know that it's OK to be the sweet boy. I can 00:08:58.940 --> 00:09:01.480 tell that the world's like, no, you can't be 00:09:01.480 --> 00:09:03.019 that way. They're telling him like what kind 00:09:03.019 --> 00:09:05.679 of a man you're supposed to be at this age. And 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:08.460 for Ilya, I don't want to say it, but like for 00:09:08.460 --> 00:09:11.100 Ilya, like he doesn't have me, you know, who's 00:09:11.100 --> 00:09:12.700 like telling him like, no, it's OK for you to 00:09:12.700 --> 00:09:14.480 be vulnerable. Right. In fact, that he has like 00:09:14.480 --> 00:09:17.159 a dad who's who's even telling him like worse, 00:09:17.259 --> 00:09:19.200 like the opposite. It's also the time when they 00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:22.029 start to feel out of shame about. who they are 00:09:22.029 --> 00:09:24.149 and what they are and what they might feel. And 00:09:24.149 --> 00:09:27.309 for Ilya, the person who could have helped that, 00:09:27.409 --> 00:09:32.450 you know, is gone. He behaves and acts like someone 00:09:32.450 --> 00:09:36.330 who learned very young that love could just poof 00:09:36.330 --> 00:09:40.509 and like disappear. Losing maternal safety emotionally 00:09:40.509 --> 00:09:43.990 is definitely, that's what makes Ilya who he 00:09:43.990 --> 00:09:45.490 is. But that's, I think that's part of the reasons 00:09:45.490 --> 00:09:48.850 why I feel for him so much because like children 00:09:48.850 --> 00:09:51.509 don't stop needing that love just because the 00:09:51.509 --> 00:09:53.629 mom is not there you know they they just like 00:09:53.629 --> 00:09:57.970 adapt to the absence of it and they build their 00:09:57.970 --> 00:09:59.889 personalities and identity around it and we've 00:09:59.889 --> 00:10:02.370 talked about identity a lot and and he becomes 00:10:02.370 --> 00:10:05.289 like funny and charismatic and successful mostly 00:10:05.289 --> 00:10:07.230 because they learn to rely on themselves more 00:10:07.230 --> 00:10:09.769 than anyone else and Ilya had to because He's 00:10:09.769 --> 00:10:11.929 not relying on his dad for anything. When his 00:10:11.929 --> 00:10:15.450 needs are not met, he meets his own needs, basically. 00:10:15.529 --> 00:10:17.629 Like, he's forced to do that. You were right. 00:10:17.710 --> 00:10:20.389 In this show, you don't really hear very much 00:10:20.389 --> 00:10:24.509 about Ilya's mom until the end. But there is 00:10:24.509 --> 00:10:28.029 that moment, and I didn't catch it until rewatches, 00:10:28.029 --> 00:10:31.230 where he says, this is for you, mama, when he 00:10:31.230 --> 00:10:35.350 wins the cup. sense oh my god he's been thinking 00:10:35.350 --> 00:10:38.830 about her winning this for her yeah this whole 00:10:38.830 --> 00:10:41.490 time at least that was a sense like God, because 00:10:41.490 --> 00:10:45.409 it was such an uninhibited moment of joy. And 00:10:45.409 --> 00:10:47.289 the first thing he says is, this is for you, 00:10:47.330 --> 00:10:51.009 mama. He doesn't say his dad or anything. He 00:10:51.009 --> 00:10:53.710 really just says, this is for you. And he's crying. 00:10:54.289 --> 00:10:57.309 He's screaming and crying when he says it. And 00:10:57.309 --> 00:10:59.509 it's actually one of the first moments he's been 00:10:59.509 --> 00:11:02.409 super emotional, right? Like unguardedly emotional. 00:11:02.710 --> 00:11:05.429 And the first thing he says is his mama. And 00:11:05.429 --> 00:11:08.870 then you think about all that you've said, like 00:11:08.870 --> 00:11:12.639 he lost her at this. age of complete vulnerability. 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:16.440 He's transitioning from boyhood to the start 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:19.080 of, you know, the cusp of manhood. And then you 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:23.139 realize why he is the way he is, like why he's 00:11:23.139 --> 00:11:25.840 actually so deeply caring. I've always thought 00:11:25.840 --> 00:11:29.220 like, well, how did Ilya turn out to be so different 00:11:29.220 --> 00:11:32.080 from his brother? Right. And you realize not 00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:36.539 only has he lost his mom, he's lost the softening 00:11:36.539 --> 00:11:40.230 influence. That was present. And she was that. 00:11:40.289 --> 00:11:44.049 I mean, not every mom is the kind of mom that 00:11:44.049 --> 00:11:47.309 a child needs. That child and that mom need to 00:11:47.309 --> 00:11:52.070 fit. But you could tell that for him, this was 00:11:52.070 --> 00:11:55.409 the mom that he needed. This is the influence 00:11:55.409 --> 00:11:58.889 that saved him. Actually, the soft place that 00:11:58.889 --> 00:12:01.529 you're describing for your son, she was that 00:12:01.529 --> 00:12:05.889 for him. And in some ways, that fortress that 00:12:05.889 --> 00:12:09.269 he constructed around his emotions, is the protective 00:12:09.269 --> 00:12:12.809 effect of his mom. This is something I also didn't 00:12:12.809 --> 00:12:16.009 realize on my first watch. But, you know, the 00:12:16.009 --> 00:12:18.429 hallway scene right after they have sex for the 00:12:18.429 --> 00:12:20.570 first or intercourse for the first time, Shane 00:12:20.570 --> 00:12:22.330 asks him, like, is your family coming? Right. 00:12:22.389 --> 00:12:24.110 They're having that Olympics conversation. And 00:12:24.110 --> 00:12:26.370 he's like, my dad, probably my brother, maybe. 00:12:26.529 --> 00:12:29.350 And then that's it. Shane doesn't follow up. 00:12:29.370 --> 00:12:31.350 What about your mom? And that's the first time 00:12:31.350 --> 00:12:35.769 you're supposed to understand that mom is. not 00:12:35.769 --> 00:12:38.429 in the picture for whatever reason you don't 00:12:38.429 --> 00:12:42.169 really know and then later in that episode when 00:12:42.169 --> 00:12:45.409 he is with his dad he says mom's dead remember 00:12:45.409 --> 00:12:48.970 and so like you you know that she died But you 00:12:48.970 --> 00:12:51.289 don't you don't really have the context or, you 00:12:51.289 --> 00:12:53.629 know, did she die in childbirth? Because that 00:12:53.629 --> 00:12:55.629 is also a different, you know, different thing. 00:12:55.669 --> 00:12:57.809 Right. Like different effect on. But 12 years 00:12:57.809 --> 00:13:00.809 old, man, that's that's rough, you know. And 00:13:00.809 --> 00:13:03.490 and I think that's why like Shane matters so 00:13:03.490 --> 00:13:06.570 much within this context, too, because, you know, 00:13:06.570 --> 00:13:10.110 he in many ways like gives Ilya that softness 00:13:10.110 --> 00:13:12.750 and that like emotional safety. I would assume 00:13:12.750 --> 00:13:16.840 that like that's what attracted. Ilya to Shane 00:13:16.840 --> 00:13:20.899 because he saw the softness he saw the the vulnerability 00:13:20.899 --> 00:13:23.799 that Shane has that he tries very much to hide 00:13:23.799 --> 00:13:27.340 both of them try very much to hide like he he 00:13:27.340 --> 00:13:30.120 Shane becomes like that place for him that is 00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.460 like his emotional anchor that he lost at such 00:13:33.460 --> 00:13:37.230 a formative age um and and and that kind of safety 00:13:37.230 --> 00:13:39.269 could also be overwhelming, which is why he's 00:13:39.269 --> 00:13:40.990 constantly like questioning himself, right? Like, 00:13:41.009 --> 00:13:42.990 does he like me? Does he not? You know, I like 00:13:42.990 --> 00:13:44.690 him way more. I'm going to end this. Like, he's 00:13:44.690 --> 00:13:47.289 always wanting to end this, mostly probably because 00:13:47.289 --> 00:13:50.149 he knows this is a bad idea in the world of hockey 00:13:50.149 --> 00:13:52.070 culture and everything else, but also possibly 00:13:52.070 --> 00:13:54.269 because he's afraid to lose another person he 00:13:54.269 --> 00:13:56.629 loves, right? In that same way. First of all, 00:13:56.690 --> 00:14:00.450 I highly doubt with... the father that he has, 00:14:00.769 --> 00:14:04.389 he would have been allowed therapy or another 00:14:04.389 --> 00:14:08.070 person to process grief, to process the fact 00:14:08.070 --> 00:14:11.289 that he found his mother dead. I mean, those 00:14:11.289 --> 00:14:15.330 are all like incredible, incredible traumatic 00:14:15.330 --> 00:14:18.429 events that he probably was not allowed to process. 00:14:18.470 --> 00:14:22.610 The grief of the loss, probably not allowed or 00:14:22.610 --> 00:14:25.110 given the tools to process the horror of being 00:14:25.110 --> 00:14:30.070 the one to find her. It's like he had no tools 00:14:30.070 --> 00:14:33.850 at 12 years old to figure out how to deal with 00:14:33.850 --> 00:14:36.929 the biggest grief of his life. Then you think 00:14:36.929 --> 00:14:39.690 about, of course, he's locked in tight. Right. 00:14:40.230 --> 00:14:42.649 Not only does he have to protect himself, he 00:14:42.649 --> 00:14:46.110 also has no idea how to deal with emotional havoc 00:14:46.110 --> 00:14:49.809 and loss at all. Like you said, like he doesn't 00:14:49.809 --> 00:14:53.029 know. He doesn't know how to deal with that. 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:55.980 No, he doesn't. And since we just did the book 00:14:55.980 --> 00:14:57.960 versus show, I have the book right next to me. 00:14:58.000 --> 00:14:59.860 So I pulled up the page because the book offers 00:14:59.860 --> 00:15:01.539 a little more. Right. So I just wanted to read 00:15:01.539 --> 00:15:04.139 this. Shane asked, how did she die? An accident, 00:15:04.299 --> 00:15:07.080 he said sardonically. He said it because that 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:10.340 was what his father had told everyone. It was 00:15:10.340 --> 00:15:14.100 what Ilya had been told very sternly, even though 00:15:14.100 --> 00:15:16.960 he had known it wasn't true, even at the age 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:19.820 of 12. She had an accident, Ilya. You understand? 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:24.019 Yes. An accident, Shane asked. His hand was on 00:15:24.019 --> 00:15:26.720 Ilya's arm. Yes. Ilya said with a tight, humorless 00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:29.000 smile, she accidentally swallowed a whole bottle 00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:32.679 of pills. Oops. He actually says oops in the 00:15:32.679 --> 00:15:35.679 book, which I think is like a very, I don't know, 00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:38.279 almost like adds like an additional layer of 00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:43.120 sadness to that sentence, right? It's very dark 00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:46.240 humor. And when I say humor, it's because he 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:48.620 knows that's not what happened. And he's not 00:15:48.620 --> 00:15:51.799 just been told. to think that but he's also been 00:15:51.799 --> 00:15:54.419 told not to tell like that's the rest right don't 00:15:54.419 --> 00:15:57.519 think it don't say anything to anybody yes yes 00:15:57.519 --> 00:16:00.519 and and he actually says that he said that he 00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:03.500 has never shared that with anyone before i found 00:16:03.500 --> 00:16:06.659 her because shame there's a sense of shame right 00:16:06.659 --> 00:16:10.360 exactly exactly and then he said and i actually 00:16:10.360 --> 00:16:14.019 speaking of shame becoming his emotional support 00:16:14.019 --> 00:16:16.799 human you know but he says he just wanted to 00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:18.779 hold shane close to him in this place where no 00:16:18.779 --> 00:16:20.580 one would ever find them he wanted to stand in 00:16:20.580 --> 00:16:22.539 the spotlight of the campfire under the endless 00:16:22.539 --> 00:16:25.139 stars and feel shane's fingers stroking his hair 00:16:25.139 --> 00:16:27.299 and not think about his horrible father or his 00:16:27.299 --> 00:16:30.360 wonderful desperately sad mother there's something 00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:35.120 like so deeply russian about the framing of this 00:16:35.120 --> 00:16:38.480 i mean i mean you probably can speak to it but 00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:41.230 i'm just thinking of my understanding of russian 00:16:41.230 --> 00:16:44.669 the great russian books and this idea that it's 00:16:44.669 --> 00:16:48.610 like there's tragedy like just lurking you know 00:16:48.610 --> 00:16:51.190 around the corner and this wonderful desperately 00:16:51.190 --> 00:16:55.909 sad woman who probably was so much like ilia 00:16:55.909 --> 00:16:59.750 in the softness you know and it was stamped out 00:16:59.750 --> 00:17:02.970 of her i i you know and another thing is that 00:17:02.970 --> 00:17:06.309 even when he had her And she was, his softness, 00:17:06.329 --> 00:17:09.329 she was obviously very depressed, right? So like 00:17:09.329 --> 00:17:14.190 he had also probably been aware of that on some 00:17:14.190 --> 00:17:17.369 level, even as a young kid. Clearly he knew because 00:17:17.369 --> 00:17:20.109 he says it, you know, she was so funny and beautiful 00:17:20.109 --> 00:17:22.950 and she was so sad, right? So he knew that she 00:17:22.950 --> 00:17:25.109 was sad. And I think in some ways they were probably 00:17:25.109 --> 00:17:28.710 each other's safety, even when he was such a 00:17:28.710 --> 00:17:31.000 little boy. you know, safety and vulnerability. 00:17:31.420 --> 00:17:33.619 That's really hard for a child to hold that. 00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:36.420 It's nobody's fault. It's not, you know, his 00:17:36.420 --> 00:17:38.380 mom's fault. No, of course not. No, of course 00:17:38.380 --> 00:17:41.940 not. But he's a very intuitive child. We talk 00:17:41.940 --> 00:17:45.500 about him being so like locked tight. Yeah. But 00:17:45.500 --> 00:17:48.539 he's so emotionally intuitive, right? He is. 00:17:48.539 --> 00:17:50.960 He is. It's probably because of his mom. And 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:54.220 I had read on threads, this was like months ago 00:17:54.220 --> 00:17:56.279 when, you know, the show first came out. Someone 00:17:56.279 --> 00:18:01.369 wrote this thing about like, I bet Ilya understood 00:18:01.369 --> 00:18:05.109 Shane's panic attacks and how to regulate him 00:18:05.109 --> 00:18:07.650 because he had to deal with that with his mom. 00:18:07.970 --> 00:18:11.269 And I was like, you assholes. Stop putting this 00:18:11.269 --> 00:18:15.750 in my head. But maybe maybe like he very keenly 00:18:15.750 --> 00:18:18.609 observed Shane and understands like, oh, this 00:18:18.609 --> 00:18:21.869 kid is not OK. Right. And like, again, they what 00:18:21.869 --> 00:18:24.789 they were like 19 or something or 20, even not 00:18:24.789 --> 00:18:30.509 even probably at that time. another person and 00:18:30.509 --> 00:18:32.329 being like oh I think you're having a panic attack 00:18:32.329 --> 00:18:35.390 like that is very intuitive and that's probably 00:18:35.390 --> 00:18:38.390 partly because of the influence of his mom yeah 00:18:38.390 --> 00:18:41.450 and nothing is sexier than having a panic attack 00:18:41.450 --> 00:18:44.730 during sex because he's not just like whoa I'm 00:18:44.730 --> 00:18:46.789 out of here dude you know what I mean he could 00:18:46.789 --> 00:18:49.849 have just ran out which maybe most 19 year olds 00:18:49.849 --> 00:18:52.450 would do right but he stayed back to kind of 00:18:52.450 --> 00:18:54.329 hook up yeah I'm not dealing with this shit I'm 00:18:54.329 --> 00:18:56.190 trying to get laid dude like I'm not gonna deal 00:18:56.190 --> 00:18:58.930 with your emotional instability like come on 00:18:59.549 --> 00:19:02.529 Exactly. Strings. All the strings, even then. 00:19:02.630 --> 00:19:05.390 And here we go. We are back to the strings. Back 00:19:05.390 --> 00:19:08.710 to the strings. But it just shows you how emotionally 00:19:08.710 --> 00:19:12.250 intuitive he is, even though he holds his emotions 00:19:12.250 --> 00:19:15.309 so close, which is really, Ilya, I think that's 00:19:15.309 --> 00:19:18.289 kind of unfair. You're a deep feeler. You know, 00:19:18.390 --> 00:19:23.069 I hope as the show moves forward that we get 00:19:23.069 --> 00:19:28.839 to see more of that emotional. inside be shared 00:19:28.839 --> 00:19:31.880 with Shane yeah I mean you know we don't spoil 00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:34.980 here but the long game does does talk a lot about 00:19:34.980 --> 00:19:37.200 that about his mom and the absence of her and 00:19:37.200 --> 00:19:40.099 how Ilya processes that so yeah which I'm so 00:19:40.099 --> 00:19:42.740 grateful actually because it's such a huge part 00:19:42.740 --> 00:19:44.819 of him that you know obviously we don't get it 00:19:44.819 --> 00:19:49.119 in this book but I'm interested to see how it 00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:51.000 will play out in the show. Because I know what 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:52.900 it is, you know, I know how it's written, but 00:19:52.900 --> 00:19:54.599 I'm interested to see how it's going to be. And 00:19:54.599 --> 00:19:57.400 we trust Jacob Tierney with everything. So I'm 00:19:57.400 --> 00:20:00.019 sure he will do it more than enough justice. 00:20:00.259 --> 00:20:02.019 I think it's a really beautiful way to frame 00:20:02.019 --> 00:20:04.299 this Mother's Day episode, right? Beautiful and 00:20:04.299 --> 00:20:07.519 sad, obviously, you know, in that that motherhood 00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:10.380 in Ilya's story exists less as a character and 00:20:10.380 --> 00:20:13.670 more as a significant missing piece. ghost around 00:20:13.670 --> 00:20:17.269 which his entire emotional life forms. And his 00:20:17.269 --> 00:20:22.630 mother's love matters because losing her and 00:20:22.630 --> 00:20:25.970 losing it changes the entire trajectory of, you 00:20:25.970 --> 00:20:28.569 know, who he is forever. That's a beautiful way 00:20:28.569 --> 00:20:31.329 to say it. This ghost that haunts him, like a 00:20:31.329 --> 00:20:34.930 friendly, friendly, but desperately sad ghost 00:20:34.930 --> 00:20:38.539 that haunts him, you know? So. Yeah. Let's talk 00:20:38.539 --> 00:20:41.319 about Yuna, perhaps. I mean, we've talked about 00:20:41.319 --> 00:20:43.380 her a lot, but I think there's still enough left 00:20:43.380 --> 00:20:45.920 to say. So, yeah. And I will give you, I will 00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:48.099 pass the baton to you because clearly you are 00:20:48.099 --> 00:20:50.000 so much more in love with Shane Hollander than 00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:54.119 I am. Okay. So I have to say, when we were sketching 00:20:54.119 --> 00:20:55.859 out this episode, I was like, of course you'll 00:20:55.859 --> 00:20:59.440 do Ilya. But, you know, I think there's two cultural 00:20:59.440 --> 00:21:02.859 elements that are significant because your heritage 00:21:02.859 --> 00:21:06.700 really speaks to the way Ilya processed grief 00:21:06.700 --> 00:21:10.599 and his loss of a mother. I have to say I'm not 00:21:10.599 --> 00:21:13.380 culturally from the same background as Yuna. 00:21:13.559 --> 00:21:17.279 She's East Asian. I'm South Asian. But there's 00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:21.960 so much of her that I relate to as the kind of 00:21:21.960 --> 00:21:25.759 mom she is and the kind of heritage and background 00:21:25.759 --> 00:21:28.220 she came from. If I had to pick a character who 00:21:28.220 --> 00:21:31.160 was most similar to me, it would be Yuna. I feel 00:21:31.160 --> 00:21:35.799 a lot of those pressures she feels to be this 00:21:35.799 --> 00:21:39.859 model minority, clearly from her background and 00:21:39.859 --> 00:21:44.619 the way she is, she's the mom that is the force, 00:21:44.700 --> 00:21:47.680 right, in the family. Even though David was the 00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:50.660 one who played hockey, she's the one who's like 00:21:50.660 --> 00:21:54.140 completely immersed in it, probably because of 00:21:54.140 --> 00:21:57.539 Shane. She's the one who propels his career forward. 00:21:57.740 --> 00:22:02.410 She's the one who feels the deep sense of I want 00:22:02.410 --> 00:22:05.670 to say shame and sadness when she realized that 00:22:05.670 --> 00:22:08.349 she doesn't know her kid at all. And these are 00:22:08.349 --> 00:22:12.849 all fears that I have, you know, from my own 00:22:12.849 --> 00:22:17.069 background and sort of straddling these two worlds 00:22:17.069 --> 00:22:20.730 of being Indian and being American and then being 00:22:20.730 --> 00:22:24.950 Indian American. You carry those lessons with 00:22:24.950 --> 00:22:28.309 you. You carry that mentality of an immigrant 00:22:28.309 --> 00:22:31.369 coming in and you need to push. You need to go 00:22:31.369 --> 00:22:34.369 forward. You need to be the best of the best. 00:22:34.450 --> 00:22:38.289 In Shane's case, it was hockey. In my case, it 00:22:38.289 --> 00:22:41.109 was education. Like there was no second. There's 00:22:41.109 --> 00:22:44.990 only first. All of that was amazing because maybe 00:22:44.990 --> 00:22:48.890 that's what I needed to live my potential. But 00:22:48.890 --> 00:22:53.089 then. On the flip side, as you might be feeling, 00:22:53.289 --> 00:22:56.430 you're like, at what cost did that occur? And 00:22:56.430 --> 00:23:00.789 I just feel that very keenly with my own kids 00:23:00.789 --> 00:23:03.450 who are very, who are young. But all the time 00:23:03.450 --> 00:23:06.470 I'm like, oh my God, am I pushing? Am I not pushing 00:23:06.470 --> 00:23:09.690 enough? I feel like I can never feel comfortable 00:23:09.690 --> 00:23:14.630 like where I land. And a lot of that is the family 00:23:14.630 --> 00:23:20.009 generational way that I was growing up. but also 00:23:20.009 --> 00:23:23.109 trying to create something softer for my kids. 00:23:23.309 --> 00:23:25.970 I love the way you describe your mom and watching 00:23:25.970 --> 00:23:29.430 the show with her. And in some ways, I don't 00:23:29.430 --> 00:23:33.869 think I've ever shown my honest, true self with 00:23:33.869 --> 00:23:36.829 my mom, ever. She's just not ready to meet me 00:23:36.829 --> 00:23:42.289 as myself. She meets me as the version of Anusha 00:23:42.289 --> 00:23:47.329 that is Indian enough to still interact with 00:23:47.329 --> 00:23:51.220 her. I don't want that for my kids. Like, I want 00:23:51.220 --> 00:23:55.339 them to be their most honest self and not put 00:23:55.339 --> 00:24:00.059 on a facade. And so I'm sure this was a lot of 00:24:00.059 --> 00:24:02.660 what was going on with Yuna. And she ends up 00:24:02.660 --> 00:24:06.700 still at the same place that probably she and 00:24:06.700 --> 00:24:09.079 I both feared. And you're like, oh, my God, is 00:24:09.079 --> 00:24:10.759 that the thing that they're going to be talking 00:24:10.759 --> 00:24:14.289 about in therapy? It's kind of a joke, right? 00:24:14.349 --> 00:24:16.829 But like, you're like, my God, is this the misstep 00:24:16.829 --> 00:24:18.890 where they like start hiding themselves from 00:24:18.890 --> 00:24:21.509 me? You know, that's the part about Yuna that 00:24:21.509 --> 00:24:25.450 feels really relatable to me on a very deeply 00:24:25.450 --> 00:24:29.430 personal level is that I'm constantly sort of 00:24:29.430 --> 00:24:33.750 weighing that balance in my head. And in that 00:24:33.750 --> 00:24:37.569 scene where she's contemplating his coming out 00:24:37.569 --> 00:24:40.420 to her and. saying we suspected it could be the 00:24:40.420 --> 00:24:43.160 case. And if she were me, I'd be like, if we 00:24:43.160 --> 00:24:47.200 suspected and like, what was it about me that 00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:50.480 made him not tell me? Right. What did I do wrong? 00:24:50.640 --> 00:24:53.740 And that's where I live on a daily basis. So, 00:24:53.740 --> 00:24:57.349 yeah. Not just you, girl. Yeah, that's a very 00:24:57.349 --> 00:24:59.730 relatable mom feeling. Yeah, it's a very relatable 00:24:59.730 --> 00:25:02.410 mom feeling for sure. And I'm sure you feel it 00:25:02.410 --> 00:25:04.230 more because of your own relationship with your 00:25:04.230 --> 00:25:06.730 own mom. Yuna feeling like a failure, even though 00:25:06.730 --> 00:25:08.750 she thought she did everything right, is definitely 00:25:08.750 --> 00:25:15.490 all moms. Hashtag all moms or most moms anyway. 00:25:15.710 --> 00:25:19.509 I know we focus a lot about Yuna in this coming 00:25:19.509 --> 00:25:23.269 out scene because it is one of the key moments. 00:25:23.980 --> 00:25:29.799 of her arc in the show. But, you know, in the 00:25:29.799 --> 00:25:32.579 beginning, we were talking about invisible labor 00:25:32.579 --> 00:25:36.740 and sort of the mental load that mothers take 00:25:36.740 --> 00:25:40.819 for the family, you know, and I think it's such 00:25:40.819 --> 00:25:43.859 a double -edged sword because you end up taking 00:25:43.859 --> 00:25:48.279 up all this guilt when things go wrong. But you're 00:25:48.279 --> 00:25:52.589 also the reason. the family is propelled forward, 00:25:52.809 --> 00:25:58.170 right? Like thinking about Yuna, you know, David, 00:25:58.329 --> 00:26:01.470 I think I said, David is the one who plays hockey, 00:26:01.630 --> 00:26:05.599 you know, but he's kind of. A very typical kind 00:26:05.599 --> 00:26:08.319 of yin -yang that happens is like dad is low 00:26:08.319 --> 00:26:10.720 -key and the fun one, right? Like he has the 00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:13.980 time to talk about YouTube and all of that. And 00:26:13.980 --> 00:26:17.180 we don't know very much about their relationship 00:26:17.180 --> 00:26:20.359 or what their partnership looks like. But, you 00:26:20.359 --> 00:26:23.859 know, it feels like that labor that she does, 00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:27.019 which is essentially driving Shane's career, 00:26:27.299 --> 00:26:30.500 you know, how much work that must have taken. 00:26:30.660 --> 00:26:33.339 You know, like think. Think about your own kid, 00:26:33.359 --> 00:26:37.900 like in sports, how much effort it takes as a 00:26:37.900 --> 00:26:43.180 child for that to happen. And then to then understand 00:26:43.180 --> 00:26:47.140 that the level of skill is more than normal. 00:26:47.299 --> 00:26:51.079 And then to figure out what to do with it. I 00:26:51.079 --> 00:26:55.140 mean, that's a lot of work, right? Yeah, yeah. 00:26:55.799 --> 00:26:58.180 Absolutely. If you think about Yuna having this 00:26:58.180 --> 00:27:01.500 like dual responsibility as a parent and the 00:27:01.500 --> 00:27:04.160 manager. Right. Like she's deeply intertwined 00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:07.079 in his career. And, you know, as you said, like 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:09.519 she started from the time he was a baby. Right. 00:27:09.640 --> 00:27:11.500 And she propelled his career into the future. 00:27:11.559 --> 00:27:13.720 She supports him. She advocates for him. She 00:27:13.720 --> 00:27:17.380 protects him. And like she literally like. creates 00:27:17.380 --> 00:27:19.599 the empire around him he's not he's not doing 00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:21.779 that his job is to play and play well right like 00:27:21.779 --> 00:27:24.220 her job is to manage all the relationships around 00:27:24.220 --> 00:27:26.779 his contract deals his endorsement and everything 00:27:26.779 --> 00:27:30.640 else like she she loves him so much but she also 00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:32.559 manages him and like i don't you remember that 00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:35.400 part where um i know what you're gonna say like 00:27:35.400 --> 00:27:39.460 when he's like i don't want to be managed this 00:27:39.460 --> 00:27:41.740 weekend right because like regardless the fact 00:27:41.740 --> 00:27:44.079 that they have this beautiful very supportive 00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:47.609 relationship and like Obviously, they do. Shane 00:27:47.609 --> 00:27:50.910 loves her so, so much. Even when David catches 00:27:50.910 --> 00:27:53.970 them, his, I think, deepest pain is, oh, my God, 00:27:53.990 --> 00:27:56.569 my mom. Right. Remember, like my mom, like what's 00:27:56.569 --> 00:27:58.750 going to happen there. Right. And she's not only 00:27:58.750 --> 00:28:01.670 supporting him emotionally, which she has, but 00:28:01.670 --> 00:28:04.450 she's also supporting him by carrying this invisible 00:28:04.450 --> 00:28:07.869 mental load of his career, too. Right. And constantly 00:28:07.869 --> 00:28:10.289 in the background, managing schedules, expectations, 00:28:10.690 --> 00:28:13.089 his public image and whatever, you know, and 00:28:13.089 --> 00:28:17.190 and also like. anticipating any problem that 00:28:17.190 --> 00:28:20.589 may arise right which which is we do as moms 00:28:20.589 --> 00:28:22.809 like we do that as moms and that's like that 00:28:22.809 --> 00:28:26.589 mental invisible emotional labor that we carry 00:28:26.589 --> 00:28:29.349 and in the spaghetti eating scene you see she 00:28:29.349 --> 00:28:31.569 takes it on for ilia too you know what i mean 00:28:31.569 --> 00:28:34.849 she's like okay now you're mine too you know 00:28:34.849 --> 00:28:38.720 and she's planning for him too And I really, 00:28:38.759 --> 00:28:41.220 really, really hope we get to see that relationship 00:28:41.220 --> 00:28:45.359 flourish in the next season because Ilya hasn't 00:28:45.359 --> 00:28:48.839 had a mom present in his life for a very long 00:28:48.839 --> 00:28:52.000 time. Right. Because there is this complete opposite 00:28:52.000 --> 00:28:54.619 experience between, you know, Ilya and Shane, 00:28:54.740 --> 00:28:56.599 right? Ilya's experience with motherhood, we 00:28:56.599 --> 00:28:58.900 know, you know, he grows up with like this absence 00:28:58.900 --> 00:29:01.140 and emotional loss, whereas Shane grows up with 00:29:01.140 --> 00:29:04.920 like almost like intense emotional support, you 00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:07.599 know, like maybe even. Too much sometimes, you 00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:09.220 know, because he's so worried about how she's 00:29:09.220 --> 00:29:11.319 going to react to everything that he has done. 00:29:11.839 --> 00:29:14.599 And it makes the contrast between kind of fascinating 00:29:14.599 --> 00:29:17.240 too, right? Shane fears disappointing people 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:21.259 and Ilya fears losing people. Shane always has 00:29:21.259 --> 00:29:24.140 someone who helps at least carry that emotional 00:29:24.140 --> 00:29:27.039 weight around him. And then Ilya carries that 00:29:27.039 --> 00:29:29.700 himself. Like he knows he has no one else. Their 00:29:29.700 --> 00:29:32.279 identities are so different because of their 00:29:32.279 --> 00:29:38.599 moms. Moms are key. I'm a sports mom. My son 00:29:38.599 --> 00:29:42.940 plays soccer. My daughter does jujitsu. There's 00:29:42.940 --> 00:29:44.779 a lot. Obviously, my husband's always there. 00:29:44.859 --> 00:29:46.599 He's the one that's like taking them and driving 00:29:46.599 --> 00:29:48.220 them and whatever else. But there's a lot of 00:29:48.220 --> 00:29:50.759 like managing all of that around. And I'm not 00:29:50.759 --> 00:29:56.779 raising an elite athlete either. So I'm not trying 00:29:56.779 --> 00:29:59.519 to get sponsorships or whatever else. But if 00:29:59.519 --> 00:30:01.240 that were the case, I would be the one doing 00:30:01.240 --> 00:30:05.160 that. I know that for a fact. So go Yuna. Go 00:30:05.160 --> 00:30:08.740 Yuna. You know, sometimes I feel like in the 00:30:08.740 --> 00:30:13.789 managing mode, you lose sight. of uh what is 00:30:13.789 --> 00:30:16.549 that saying the forest for the trees right like 00:30:16.549 --> 00:30:22.180 um sometimes you're just so enmeshed in the scheduling 00:30:22.180 --> 00:30:24.980 and then this thing and the next thing and what's 00:30:24.980 --> 00:30:28.319 the next step that you forget that's the mental 00:30:28.319 --> 00:30:31.160 load thing, right? Because like who has time 00:30:31.160 --> 00:30:34.619 to do all of that and also be like, let me take 00:30:34.619 --> 00:30:38.099 stock of the entire journey of motherhood and 00:30:38.099 --> 00:30:41.720 see where I am. You know what I mean? Like it's 00:30:41.720 --> 00:30:44.779 a very hard balance, I think. You know, when 00:30:44.779 --> 00:30:47.640 your kid says something and it like stops you 00:30:47.640 --> 00:30:49.859 in your tracks and you're like, oh, wow, like 00:30:49.859 --> 00:30:53.839 I I was paying attention to the wrong thing. 00:30:54.000 --> 00:30:57.539 Like my kid needed this, you know, something 00:30:57.539 --> 00:31:02.170 simple. And I was planning. And that's. That's 00:31:02.170 --> 00:31:05.130 partly why parents miss things too, right? And 00:31:05.130 --> 00:31:07.450 that is true for everything, not just sports, 00:31:07.490 --> 00:31:09.730 like managing their academics, right? We all 00:31:09.730 --> 00:31:13.150 know that the school calendar most of the time 00:31:13.150 --> 00:31:15.849 falls on the mom, right? Every freaking dress 00:31:15.849 --> 00:31:19.890 -up day, every holiday, every volunteering role, 00:31:20.130 --> 00:31:23.069 homeroom, classroom parents, mostly moms, right? 00:31:23.190 --> 00:31:26.190 Like in education, moms are more involved than 00:31:26.190 --> 00:31:29.150 dads. It's a generalization, but it is one for 00:31:29.150 --> 00:31:31.799 a reason. But we... But because of that, you're 00:31:31.799 --> 00:31:34.819 right, we do end up sometimes missing very crucial 00:31:34.819 --> 00:31:39.960 parts of their emotional and social, perhaps, 00:31:40.279 --> 00:31:42.259 struggles, you know, because we're so focused 00:31:42.259 --> 00:31:43.980 on like, these are the things that need to be 00:31:43.980 --> 00:31:47.660 done. Everything becomes like secondary, which 00:31:47.660 --> 00:31:50.339 is bad. It's not good. But there's only so much 00:31:50.339 --> 00:31:54.059 we can do and there's only so much of us. Right. 00:31:54.059 --> 00:31:56.460 There's a YouTuber named Jeffrey Conway, and 00:31:56.460 --> 00:31:58.680 he asks anytime he has celebrities in or anything, 00:31:58.819 --> 00:32:00.440 he will always ask, now that you've played this 00:32:00.440 --> 00:32:01.920 character and you've embodied this character, 00:32:02.019 --> 00:32:03.660 what would you tell your character if you could, 00:32:03.740 --> 00:32:05.819 or what advice would you give them? And he asked 00:32:05.819 --> 00:32:08.200 the cast of Heated Rivalry, all of them, the 00:32:08.200 --> 00:32:11.240 same question. And he asked Christina Chang. 00:32:11.299 --> 00:32:15.420 And so her response was, I would tell Yuna that 00:32:15.420 --> 00:32:18.559 he's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. 00:32:19.210 --> 00:32:22.369 forgive yourself it's just gravy from here on 00:32:22.369 --> 00:32:24.650 out and I and I would like to give that I would 00:32:24.650 --> 00:32:28.170 like to give her advice for Yuna to all the moms 00:32:28.170 --> 00:32:31.430 like forgive yourself for these types of things 00:32:31.430 --> 00:32:34.390 that you in many many many many ways have no 00:32:34.390 --> 00:32:37.529 control over yes Yuna said she she thinks she 00:32:37.529 --> 00:32:40.730 failed in this like way but you know she's existing 00:32:40.730 --> 00:32:43.369 within this hockey culture in this world and 00:32:43.369 --> 00:32:46.640 and this was a miss like a big miss but Also, 00:32:46.720 --> 00:32:48.779 it's not all on her. You know, like, it's not 00:32:48.779 --> 00:32:52.200 all on the mom. It's not all on mom. It's not 00:32:52.200 --> 00:32:54.759 all on you, Anusha. Like, you're not the only 00:32:54.759 --> 00:32:57.680 one that influences your child, you know? David, 00:32:58.079 --> 00:33:00.380 what are you doing? Get David. He's a good dad, 00:33:00.380 --> 00:33:02.700 too. Are you crying out there, too? Right, right. 00:33:02.880 --> 00:33:05.670 No one came out to David, either. Yeah. He didn't 00:33:05.670 --> 00:33:07.609 come out to David either, right? Exactly. That's 00:33:07.609 --> 00:33:11.450 very true. What a perfectly mom thing to feel 00:33:11.450 --> 00:33:14.809 like the failure when there's also another partner. 00:33:14.829 --> 00:33:17.170 And you're right. You know, it's not failure 00:33:17.170 --> 00:33:21.950 is the fear, but it's not the reality. You're 00:33:21.950 --> 00:33:25.309 right. There was something about the environment 00:33:25.309 --> 00:33:29.500 that kept Shane from divulging. This aspect of 00:33:29.500 --> 00:33:32.880 himself, it doesn't mean he was dishonest about 00:33:32.880 --> 00:33:36.880 every aspect of himself. You could see how comfortable 00:33:36.880 --> 00:33:39.980 they were as a family and how much love there 00:33:39.980 --> 00:33:44.259 was. And then there's repair, too. This is like 00:33:44.259 --> 00:33:46.940 my brain talking and not my heart. It's hard 00:33:46.940 --> 00:33:49.720 for moms, and I'm sure you feel that, too. But 00:33:49.720 --> 00:33:53.519 there's the repair, and she immediately starts 00:33:53.519 --> 00:33:57.960 repairing. Right. Starting with saying, This 00:33:57.960 --> 00:34:01.140 is not you. You have done nothing to Paul. This 00:34:01.140 --> 00:34:04.619 is this is something about me. And I'm sorry. 00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:08.360 That was a huge repair. You could just see the 00:34:08.360 --> 00:34:12.139 tension drain out of Shane at that moment. He 00:34:12.139 --> 00:34:15.840 needed her to say that. And he forgave her. He 00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:17.940 really needed her to say that. You're right. 00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:20.760 You can see it in his face. Yeah. He needed her 00:34:20.760 --> 00:34:23.139 to say that. And she gave it to him. You know, 00:34:23.159 --> 00:34:25.800 she gave him exactly what he needed. When he 00:34:25.800 --> 00:34:28.039 came out. That's why it's a beautiful coming 00:34:28.039 --> 00:34:30.480 out scene. Yeah. And listen, I'm sure she's going 00:34:30.480 --> 00:34:32.579 to process this for a very long time, even though 00:34:32.579 --> 00:34:36.210 he forgives her. You know, that's a big. big 00:34:36.210 --> 00:34:39.010 thing to just like let go you know it just reminds 00:34:39.010 --> 00:34:40.949 me of something like so silly like last night 00:34:40.949 --> 00:34:43.389 we're having a really nice time you know we watched 00:34:43.389 --> 00:34:46.989 a movie and it got late so it was almost midnight 00:34:46.989 --> 00:34:48.710 and I was all right I was talking to my kid and 00:34:48.710 --> 00:34:51.090 I was like go take a shower we're tired and we 00:34:51.090 --> 00:34:53.230 just want to get to bed and at that point every 00:34:53.230 --> 00:34:56.170 everybody's emotions start running high too especially 00:34:56.170 --> 00:34:59.110 mine when I get tired and very cranky and so 00:34:59.110 --> 00:35:02.769 my my 12 year old is just like stalling And finally, 00:35:02.789 --> 00:35:04.550 like I lose it a little bit and I yell and I'm 00:35:04.550 --> 00:35:06.250 like, just get in the shower, you know, and I 00:35:06.250 --> 00:35:08.929 yell at him and I could hear in his voice. He 00:35:08.929 --> 00:35:10.849 starts to tear up. He's like, I was just going 00:35:10.849 --> 00:35:12.449 to ask. Like, apparently he was just going to 00:35:12.449 --> 00:35:14.949 ask for something, you know, and I was just like 00:35:14.949 --> 00:35:17.650 enough. And I heard it in his voice like cracking. 00:35:17.730 --> 00:35:20.190 And I that that killed me. And I right away ran 00:35:20.190 --> 00:35:22.489 to him and I was like, I'm so sorry. Like immediate 00:35:22.489 --> 00:35:24.889 repair. You know, like, I'm so sorry. I'm so 00:35:24.889 --> 00:35:26.590 sorry. I yelled like and I hugged him and like 00:35:26.590 --> 00:35:30.780 I felt his. body just like relax because it got 00:35:30.780 --> 00:35:33.420 real tense, you know, and sad, like the sadness 00:35:33.420 --> 00:35:35.840 took over real quick. And I felt his body relax 00:35:35.840 --> 00:35:39.199 immediately. I'm like, OK, like saved by my own 00:35:39.199 --> 00:35:43.320 action slash horrible yelling at my kid, you 00:35:43.320 --> 00:35:44.920 know, but we all have we all have that moment. 00:35:44.980 --> 00:35:46.579 You know, you and I talk about it all the time. 00:35:46.619 --> 00:35:49.039 Like we yell at our kid and then we feel awful 00:35:49.039 --> 00:35:51.199 about it because we know we're the adults. We 00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:52.739 should have been regulating our own emotions 00:35:52.739 --> 00:35:56.780 better. But just like Christina Chang says, forgive 00:35:56.780 --> 00:35:59.139 yourself. It's just going to be gravy from now 00:35:59.139 --> 00:36:03.579 on. So just gravy. Yeah. OK, so you had that 00:36:03.579 --> 00:36:05.920 happen with your son. I want to share something 00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:10.199 that happened with my kid. So it was a rough 00:36:10.199 --> 00:36:13.820 morning. Everyone had to get to things very early. 00:36:13.900 --> 00:36:17.119 And my daughter is a lot like me in that she 00:36:17.119 --> 00:36:21.639 is not an early riser and very grumpy, like a 00:36:21.639 --> 00:36:24.019 little gremlin, which I also am a gremlin in 00:36:24.019 --> 00:36:30.250 the mornings. overwhelmed um I just came back 00:36:30.250 --> 00:36:33.809 to bed um and just lay down and went under the 00:36:33.809 --> 00:36:39.190 covers and my son came up and just lay next to 00:36:39.190 --> 00:36:42.929 me and he just said something like I get it you're 00:36:42.929 --> 00:36:46.750 frustrated Emma it was so sweet because obviously 00:36:46.750 --> 00:36:50.849 we We do something similar to him. Right. And 00:36:50.849 --> 00:36:53.110 it was really sweet because, I mean, it was not 00:36:53.110 --> 00:36:57.429 a great mom moment to be comforted by your child. 00:36:57.570 --> 00:37:01.570 But then I thought, OK, maybe in some way created 00:37:01.570 --> 00:37:04.789 an environment where my child has learned those 00:37:04.789 --> 00:37:09.389 strategies from us. Yeah. Yeah. So like you're 00:37:09.389 --> 00:37:13.090 you're great. Yeah, that's it. It's all gravy 00:37:13.090 --> 00:37:16.989 from here. I'm done. You've done your job. Hats 00:37:16.989 --> 00:37:19.550 off to you. Yeah, you're good to go. Good to 00:37:19.550 --> 00:37:22.230 go. Good to go. Good to go. All right. So moms, 00:37:22.489 --> 00:37:24.849 complicated moms and heated rivalry, I think 00:37:24.849 --> 00:37:29.369 in so many ways, so relatable to all moms, because 00:37:29.369 --> 00:37:32.469 even if we haven't walked those exact circumstances. 00:37:33.739 --> 00:37:37.599 Those emotions, feeling depressed, feeling anxious, 00:37:37.760 --> 00:37:41.860 feeling overwhelmed, feeling too soft for the 00:37:41.860 --> 00:37:44.360 harshness of the world, feeling like you've failed 00:37:44.360 --> 00:37:47.510 your kid. Even though you've done all you could. 00:37:47.590 --> 00:37:51.130 Those are just really human emotions that, you 00:37:51.130 --> 00:37:52.710 know, yeah, you could say all parents relate 00:37:52.710 --> 00:37:55.969 to. But there's a very distinct mom flavor to 00:37:55.969 --> 00:37:58.670 those emotions, I think. Yeah. And those feelings. 00:37:58.809 --> 00:38:01.050 Well, listen. And that's our Mother's Day episode. 00:38:01.210 --> 00:38:03.510 And that's our Mother's Day episode. You're welcome. 00:38:03.989 --> 00:38:06.010 You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome, 00:38:06.090 --> 00:38:08.469 fandom. But it's all gravy from here, moms. All 00:38:08.469 --> 00:38:10.889 gravy. Yeah. Everything is going to be just. 00:38:11.949 --> 00:38:13.869 Fine. You're doing a great job, moms. You're 00:38:13.869 --> 00:38:15.489 doing a great job. All the moms that need to 00:38:15.489 --> 00:38:18.929 hear it, including us. Including us. Anusha, 00:38:18.949 --> 00:38:21.989 you're a great mom. And your children are lucky 00:38:21.989 --> 00:38:24.429 to have you. All right. Let's talk about our 00:38:24.429 --> 00:38:27.269 sunshine. Yes. Let's talk about our sunshine. 00:38:27.510 --> 00:38:30.130 Do we have the same sunshine this week, potentially? 00:38:30.730 --> 00:38:33.010 I don't know. Do we? Why don't you start? And 00:38:33.010 --> 00:38:35.230 I'll let you know if it's also my sunshine. Okay. 00:38:35.269 --> 00:38:39.710 So our beautiful friend, Tracy, gave us... This 00:38:39.710 --> 00:38:44.409 amazing bracelet that is sunshine yellow and 00:38:44.409 --> 00:38:48.489 has an inscription that reads, everyone deserves 00:38:48.489 --> 00:38:53.829 sunshine. And it was the sweetest thing ever. 00:38:53.969 --> 00:38:58.760 She got it for us when we hit 50 ,000. downloads 00:38:58.760 --> 00:39:02.539 right but we are now at 70 000 so i hope she's 00:39:02.539 --> 00:39:04.880 she's thinking of another present at this point 00:39:04.880 --> 00:39:07.960 honestly a second one is is due it's due so that 00:39:07.960 --> 00:39:10.280 it can be our sunshine for next week maybe right 00:39:10.280 --> 00:39:14.639 exactly yeah tracy if you're listening um more 00:39:14.639 --> 00:39:18.019 we need more stuff we're running out of sunshine 00:39:18.019 --> 00:39:21.039 tracy we're running out of sunshine gifts exactly 00:39:21.039 --> 00:39:25.019 so it is Absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much, 00:39:25.059 --> 00:39:28.780 Tracy. Thank you. We love you, Tracy. Well, that 00:39:28.780 --> 00:39:31.250 is my sunshine too. So I'm just gonna. I'm just 00:39:31.250 --> 00:39:33.269 going to attach myself to that one. So thank 00:39:33.269 --> 00:39:35.389 you very much. Next week on Everyone Deserves 00:39:35.389 --> 00:39:37.389 Sunshine, we're talking about hockey. And we're 00:39:37.389 --> 00:39:39.530 actually going to talk about hockey this time. 00:39:39.650 --> 00:39:42.429 Finally. Finally. I know you're so excited. I'm 00:39:42.429 --> 00:39:44.230 so excited. So subscribe now wherever you get 00:39:44.230 --> 00:39:46.090 your podcasts. And if you want to say hi to the 00:39:46.090 --> 00:39:48.550 girls in the crease, find us on Instagram, Facebook, 00:39:48.650 --> 00:39:51.670 or Threads at EveryoneDeservesSunshine. Or email 00:39:51.670 --> 00:39:54.949 us at EveryoneDeservesSunshine at gmail .com. 00:39:55.090 --> 00:39:57.110 New episodes drop on Mondays. See you then.