WEBVTT 00:00:00.460 --> 00:00:04.259 Hello, and welcome to another episode of In My 00:00:04.259 --> 00:00:07.540 Experience with yours truly, Christine DiGinto. 00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:11.859 This podcast is a space where I speak from lived 00:00:11.859 --> 00:00:15.800 experience. The moments that shaped me, challenged 00:00:15.800 --> 00:00:18.820 me, and changed the way that I understand myself 00:00:18.820 --> 00:00:22.519 in the world. The awakenings, the breakdowns, 00:00:22.519 --> 00:00:25.120 the moments that cracked me open, asked me to 00:00:25.120 --> 00:00:28.859 stay present, be embodied, and be honest with 00:00:28.859 --> 00:00:33.490 myself. I share my stories not to persuade or 00:00:33.490 --> 00:00:37.710 define truth for anyone else, but to offer perspective, 00:00:37.929 --> 00:00:41.270 to explore the gray areas we don't often have 00:00:41.270 --> 00:00:44.950 language for, to slow things down and listen 00:00:44.950 --> 00:00:47.530 more closely to what's happening beneath the 00:00:47.530 --> 00:00:52.030 surface. You'll hear solo episodes where I reflect 00:00:52.030 --> 00:00:55.689 on my own initiations, spiritual gifts, and the 00:00:55.689 --> 00:00:59.439 systems that try to define me. and conversations 00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:02.380 with guests who have walked strange, beautiful, 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:05.859 and sometimes painful paths of their own and 00:01:05.859 --> 00:01:10.120 come back with wisdom to share with us. I invite 00:01:10.120 --> 00:01:13.480 you to take what resonates, leave the rest, and 00:01:13.480 --> 00:01:17.620 trust your own experience as valid. Thank you 00:01:17.620 --> 00:01:23.159 for being here. This is In My Experience. Hello, 00:01:23.379 --> 00:01:26.269 I'm Christine and here we are again. in another 00:01:26.269 --> 00:01:30.090 episode of In My Experience. Today, I'm sitting 00:01:30.090 --> 00:01:33.129 down with a friend from school, Bobby Eppelman, 00:01:33.269 --> 00:01:37.109 to talk about the messy, meaningful, complicated 00:01:37.109 --> 00:01:42.670 path of becoming real in our lives. Bobby is 00:01:42.670 --> 00:01:46.109 a speaker, a teacher, a husband and father, and 00:01:46.109 --> 00:01:49.069 someone who has walked a long road from achievement 00:01:49.069 --> 00:01:53.510 -based identity and alcoholism into vulnerability. 00:01:54.489 --> 00:01:58.450 therapy, and connection. Before we dive in, I 00:01:58.450 --> 00:02:01.109 want to say that this conversation happens inside 00:02:01.109 --> 00:02:05.349 mutual consent. We are sharing our lived experiences, 00:02:05.650 --> 00:02:08.770 our perspectives, and what we've learned along 00:02:08.770 --> 00:02:12.150 the way. Nothing in here is advice or prescription, 00:02:12.430 --> 00:02:16.669 just reflection. In this episode, I talk about 00:02:16.669 --> 00:02:19.590 my spiritual awakening and the years of unwinding 00:02:19.590 --> 00:02:23.379 that followed, including recovery. after harm 00:02:23.379 --> 00:02:26.960 in a former business partnership and relationship. 00:02:28.060 --> 00:02:31.919 Bobby shares how redefining success changed the 00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:35.000 way that he leads parents and shows up in the 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:40.580 world. We talk about masculinity, crying, emotional 00:02:40.580 --> 00:02:45.479 vocabulary, and why the quote, I'm great is often 00:02:45.479 --> 00:02:48.500 the least honest sentence in the English language. 00:02:49.900 --> 00:02:52.680 If you are someone learning how to be seen without 00:02:52.680 --> 00:02:55.699 armor, this one will meet you right where you're 00:02:55.699 --> 00:03:02.840 at. Let's get into it. I'm so thankful for you 00:03:02.840 --> 00:03:07.080 to take the time to talk with us. And I'm very 00:03:07.080 --> 00:03:09.699 excited to have this conversation. I see that 00:03:09.699 --> 00:03:12.800 you're changing directions with what you're focusing 00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:16.520 on. You're becoming more aligned as a motivational 00:03:16.520 --> 00:03:21.639 speaker. Yeah, I guess I don't use the term motivational 00:03:21.639 --> 00:03:25.020 speaker, but what I do is... I get motivated 00:03:25.020 --> 00:03:27.919 when you speak, so I'm just saying. I'm happy 00:03:27.919 --> 00:03:30.800 to hear that. I say I inspire high performers 00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:34.000 to reclaim their lives by embracing vulnerability. 00:03:34.699 --> 00:03:39.120 I love that. And the word inspire is the big 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:41.439 one because I feel like when you inspire a person, 00:03:41.620 --> 00:03:45.020 you're giving them or you're putting them in 00:03:45.020 --> 00:03:48.289 the driver's seat. i'm not helping them i i mean 00:03:48.289 --> 00:03:50.169 that's part of the process but i'm inspiring 00:03:50.169 --> 00:03:56.069 yeah yeah being a a guide and a leader in the 00:03:56.069 --> 00:03:58.949 sense that you don't lead i i think it's interesting 00:03:58.949 --> 00:04:01.870 and this is random but also it applies recently 00:04:01.870 --> 00:04:05.050 i learned that like alpha like the alpha male 00:04:05.050 --> 00:04:07.669 what they determined scientifically as like studying 00:04:07.669 --> 00:04:12.430 wolves being an alpha wolf they were wrong the 00:04:12.430 --> 00:04:16.160 the scientists who coined that phrase actually 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:19.000 spent the rest of his career trying to say actually 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.220 i was wrong that's not how it worked but like 00:04:21.220 --> 00:04:25.079 the trajectory was just like you know one way 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:27.920 so yeah it's so interesting there are so many 00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:32.120 things that i learned recently like phrases that 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:33.899 actually mean the opposite and it's interesting 00:04:33.899 --> 00:04:39.790 it's just it's fascinating to me how things can 00:04:39.790 --> 00:04:41.629 be taken out of context. A little bit before 00:04:41.629 --> 00:04:44.189 we started recording here, I told Bobby sort 00:04:44.189 --> 00:04:46.670 of the way that this works and how I tell everyone, 00:04:46.810 --> 00:04:49.110 if you ever feel like you need to take a break 00:04:49.110 --> 00:04:50.949 or you need to use the restroom, something happens, 00:04:51.069 --> 00:04:53.569 no worries, I can edit things. And he was just 00:04:53.569 --> 00:04:57.329 like, yeah, I don't need that. Whatever comes 00:04:57.329 --> 00:05:00.069 out, comes out, I'm me right now. And I was like, 00:05:00.110 --> 00:05:02.670 I love that so much, but we didn't capture it 00:05:02.670 --> 00:05:06.009 on video. So Bobby, tell me a little bit about 00:05:06.009 --> 00:05:09.470 what... has been going on for you in recent times 00:05:09.470 --> 00:05:12.290 and how you got here. Yeah, so I'll give you 00:05:12.290 --> 00:05:15.189 the whole rundown. For most of my life, achievement, 00:05:15.610 --> 00:05:18.569 it wasn't just something that I did. It was who 00:05:18.569 --> 00:05:21.670 I was. I was an All -American athlete. I was 00:05:21.670 --> 00:05:24.829 disciplined. I was like the guy. If the game 00:05:24.829 --> 00:05:28.490 came down to the wire, it was on me. And if something 00:05:28.490 --> 00:05:31.470 felt off, I never talked about it. I just got 00:05:31.470 --> 00:05:34.430 the job done. I worked harder. And for a long 00:05:34.430 --> 00:05:37.990 time, that worked. But when sports ended for 00:05:37.990 --> 00:05:41.970 me, the structure, it made that achievement, 00:05:42.189 --> 00:05:45.230 like how it felt safe before, that all disappeared. 00:05:45.810 --> 00:05:49.230 So I ended up doubling down. I just stayed busy 00:05:49.230 --> 00:05:53.850 in life. I just stayed productive. And because 00:05:53.850 --> 00:05:56.970 achievement had become the way that I functioned 00:05:56.970 --> 00:06:00.389 and felt secure, You know, it was the way that 00:06:00.389 --> 00:06:02.970 I stayed ahead of not having to feel anything. 00:06:04.569 --> 00:06:06.370 Eventually, that achievement, it just stopped 00:06:06.370 --> 00:06:08.670 working. And I couldn't outrun it. I couldn't 00:06:08.670 --> 00:06:11.189 outwork it at that point. And my mental health 00:06:11.189 --> 00:06:13.050 had reached a point where I was really suffering. 00:06:13.569 --> 00:06:16.930 And I realized I couldn't keep doing it alone. 00:06:18.209 --> 00:06:20.490 And, you know, the boldest decision I ended up 00:06:20.490 --> 00:06:23.430 making in that process was just not to push harder, 00:06:23.490 --> 00:06:26.819 but to start opening up to people. I found a 00:06:26.819 --> 00:06:30.040 therapist. I started opening up to friends and 00:06:30.040 --> 00:06:32.439 family about just how bad things had gotten. 00:06:32.980 --> 00:06:36.480 And I really leaned on my wife when I couldn't 00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:39.180 lean on myself, which I wasn't used to doing. 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.800 I wasn't used to having someone that I could 00:06:41.800 --> 00:06:46.959 be vulnerable around. And in doing that, that 00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:51.279 is how I feel I really chose to take charge of 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:53.779 my life. And I decided to live at that point. 00:06:55.470 --> 00:06:57.629 It's so beautiful that you're describing the 00:06:57.629 --> 00:06:59.689 vulnerability you shared with your wife. And 00:06:59.689 --> 00:07:02.649 I find it so, so beautiful and necessary. The 00:07:02.649 --> 00:07:06.279 combined. energy and effort like when you truly 00:07:06.279 --> 00:07:08.300 have a partnership and the masculine and feminine 00:07:08.300 --> 00:07:10.819 aspects and that is like how it's supposed to 00:07:10.819 --> 00:07:12.959 be there's men are supposed to be vulnerable 00:07:12.959 --> 00:07:15.540 and it's such a sin had the programming that 00:07:15.540 --> 00:07:19.100 you all have received and how people a lot of 00:07:19.100 --> 00:07:21.720 men process internally things that are going 00:07:21.720 --> 00:07:24.579 on with themselves and little do they know how 00:07:24.579 --> 00:07:27.540 they're not alone but nobody talks men don't 00:07:27.540 --> 00:07:30.579 talk about their feelings and it's sad I'm so 00:07:30.579 --> 00:07:33.959 thankful that you do and you took that majorly 00:07:33.959 --> 00:07:37.759 courageous step to open up and found the connection 00:07:37.759 --> 00:07:41.300 and joy and are able to like you know hold others 00:07:41.300 --> 00:07:43.939 in that now too it's so beautiful yeah coming 00:07:43.939 --> 00:07:46.439 back to what you said about the the alpha wolf 00:07:46.439 --> 00:07:50.019 or or even the alpha male we we take on these 00:07:50.019 --> 00:07:52.300 roles as people through our lives and i know 00:07:52.300 --> 00:07:55.759 as a male uh being strong and being aggressive 00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:59.699 and being you know taking charge and initiative 00:07:59.699 --> 00:08:04.019 that's just not who i ever was in that way and 00:08:04.019 --> 00:08:08.420 i think we're coming into a time now where men 00:08:08.420 --> 00:08:11.139 can be assertive men can be powerful and strong 00:08:11.139 --> 00:08:13.420 but it's not the way we thought it was before 00:08:13.420 --> 00:08:16.819 i think it comes from more of a place where vulnerability 00:08:16.819 --> 00:08:20.680 is is the driver in that case and and we are 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:28.540 starting to hopefully play play our part a little 00:08:28.540 --> 00:08:31.279 bit more intentionally a little bit more effectively 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:34.320 rather than just following the age old rules 00:08:34.320 --> 00:08:37.159 of how we're supposed to behave. Yes, absolutely. 00:08:37.480 --> 00:08:42.100 And along the lines of finding people and mentors 00:08:42.100 --> 00:08:45.519 and having that exist in your reality, it really 00:08:45.519 --> 00:08:48.600 helps to spark other people and how important 00:08:48.600 --> 00:08:52.039 it is to have. men in roles where they can inspire 00:08:52.039 --> 00:08:56.100 that and hold that uh true masculinity of just 00:08:56.100 --> 00:09:00.919 like holding what is and and bringing into reality 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:04.480 like grounded action i feel like that is actually 00:09:04.480 --> 00:09:08.480 what masculinity is and i feel like uh we have 00:09:08.480 --> 00:09:11.240 collectively been programmed to believe it to 00:09:11.240 --> 00:09:14.200 be like oppressive and dominating and controlling 00:09:14.200 --> 00:09:16.820 and like, you know, it's like the negative aspects, 00:09:16.940 --> 00:09:21.139 but like truly it would be someone for me personally, 00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:25.340 what comes to mind is Dr. Swimer. I asked him 00:09:25.340 --> 00:09:27.379 if he would be a guest on the podcast to speak 00:09:27.379 --> 00:09:30.440 on exactly that, because I think of him as such 00:09:30.440 --> 00:09:35.059 a, I've had some difficult times and I would 00:09:35.059 --> 00:09:39.100 ask myself. is everything really like a nightmare 00:09:39.100 --> 00:09:41.399 like this could be a nightmare this reality could 00:09:41.399 --> 00:09:43.320 be a nightmare my life could be a nightmare and 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:45.240 the world could be a nightmare or it could be 00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:47.820 the opposite and all I have to do is find examples 00:09:47.820 --> 00:09:51.679 of like what why I believe that it's truly good 00:09:51.679 --> 00:09:54.600 and beautiful and I would think of people in 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:58.820 my life that made me and others feel safe and 00:09:58.820 --> 00:10:05.519 uh just just awesome people and he would he was 00:10:05.519 --> 00:10:08.559 one of them I saw him one day at Home Depot and 00:10:08.559 --> 00:10:10.960 I was like you know yeah it might sound weird 00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:14.559 but I've had some tough times recently and when 00:10:14.559 --> 00:10:17.039 I try to think of good people in the world that 00:10:17.039 --> 00:10:19.899 exist to make me believe like this actually is 00:10:19.899 --> 00:10:22.820 good and I can trust and all you know everything 00:10:22.820 --> 00:10:25.559 is beautiful and you're one of those people and 00:10:25.559 --> 00:10:29.039 he was just like well thank you young lady that's 00:10:29.039 --> 00:10:32.830 that's amazing I I struggle to find role models 00:10:32.830 --> 00:10:36.950 in my own life who are pushing themselves in 00:10:36.950 --> 00:10:38.570 that way. And I've always looked at him the same 00:10:38.570 --> 00:10:42.629 way because I know he was an iron man. He was, 00:10:42.789 --> 00:10:47.110 what's the word? He was warm, but he was also 00:10:47.110 --> 00:10:49.970 firm at the same time. And he knew how to take 00:10:49.970 --> 00:10:53.450 charge. There's a term for that in teaching. 00:10:53.789 --> 00:10:56.210 And I don't know why it's not coming to my head 00:10:56.210 --> 00:10:59.149 right now. Okay, maybe later. Yeah, maybe later. 00:11:00.509 --> 00:11:03.830 yeah but one of his famous phrases was real men 00:11:03.830 --> 00:11:06.629 wear pink and he would wear pink ties and he 00:11:06.629 --> 00:11:10.110 yep yep he was so funny he would come into classrooms 00:11:10.110 --> 00:11:12.490 and he would check and he would poke fun and 00:11:12.490 --> 00:11:14.970 he knew everybody's names man i hope you guys 00:11:14.970 --> 00:11:17.070 meet him i really hope he books with me i'm sure 00:11:17.070 --> 00:11:21.129 he will he's really he is like a he is an example 00:11:21.129 --> 00:11:24.769 of like an angel on earth like he what a powerful 00:11:25.629 --> 00:11:29.370 holding pain and determination and you know difficulty 00:11:29.370 --> 00:11:31.970 like in a full life but like the beauty he's 00:11:31.970 --> 00:11:34.049 brought to the world and sharing like education 00:11:34.049 --> 00:11:38.389 and going on missions and um just how he's inspired 00:11:38.389 --> 00:11:42.029 so many people like I saw him one time at a retirement 00:11:42.029 --> 00:11:45.730 party and it was kind of a surreal experience 00:11:45.730 --> 00:11:49.870 because he also you all don't know but he's towering 00:11:49.870 --> 00:11:52.110 how tall do you think he is he's over six five 00:11:52.669 --> 00:11:57.269 He had to be about 6 '5". Yeah, 6 '5", and real 00:11:57.269 --> 00:12:03.289 loud, booming voice. Anyway, so he's at this 00:12:03.289 --> 00:12:05.409 retirement party. Of course, he's like a celebrity. 00:12:05.549 --> 00:12:07.750 Everybody's talking to him. So I see him, and 00:12:07.750 --> 00:12:10.169 I'm like, oh, man, maybe I'll talk to him. I 00:12:10.169 --> 00:12:13.610 wonder if he remembers me. Of course he remembered 00:12:13.610 --> 00:12:16.289 me, right? And so when I'm sitting there at dinner, 00:12:16.350 --> 00:12:18.049 I'm looking around at all the tables, and I'm 00:12:18.049 --> 00:12:20.759 looking at this scene. And I'm thinking about 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:23.080 the things that he shared on Facebook and like 00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:24.799 the different places he's been, different countries, 00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:27.519 different environments he's been in, shared in 00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:30.480 different cultures. And I'm looking at this scene 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:33.539 where it's like, you know, not to discredit this 00:12:33.539 --> 00:12:35.720 person's achievement in their retirement party, 00:12:35.820 --> 00:12:38.820 but like it was a literal banquet, open bar. 00:12:39.039 --> 00:12:41.659 We paid for the open bar, by the way, like we 00:12:41.659 --> 00:12:44.740 were a sponsor. So it's like, I'm looking at 00:12:44.740 --> 00:12:47.049 this and I'm like, what the fuck? what is this 00:12:47.049 --> 00:12:50.070 like yeah like there's so many more important 00:12:50.070 --> 00:12:53.629 things in the world and experiences that like 00:12:53.629 --> 00:12:56.529 i feel so shallow and then i was like kind of 00:12:56.529 --> 00:12:59.149 ashamed of myself and that might sound weird 00:12:59.149 --> 00:13:01.289 but it's sort of like i think everyone should 00:13:01.289 --> 00:13:03.649 do that more often probably it's like reflecting 00:13:03.649 --> 00:13:08.389 on like in an empathetic way like what else could 00:13:08.389 --> 00:13:10.750 be my existence right now and what other people 00:13:10.750 --> 00:13:13.929 have experienced and allowing that to open your 00:13:13.929 --> 00:13:18.509 framework of what matters and what to focus on 00:13:18.509 --> 00:13:22.129 and so it just it's been an interesting experience 00:13:22.129 --> 00:13:25.190 and all of these people in our lives are they're 00:13:25.190 --> 00:13:29.509 very intentionally yeah and the connections we 00:13:29.509 --> 00:13:32.629 share it's it's fun yeah and and what I'm hearing 00:13:32.629 --> 00:13:35.870 you say is you know he was such a healthy model 00:13:35.870 --> 00:13:39.470 for what a healthy relationship looks like between 00:13:39.470 --> 00:13:43.090 an adult and a child, as well as how we should 00:13:43.090 --> 00:13:46.509 be interacting with each other. And to be at 00:13:46.509 --> 00:13:49.690 a party like you were and to be really seeing 00:13:49.690 --> 00:13:55.070 that, that just shows how important relationships 00:13:55.070 --> 00:13:58.409 are and how important it is to show your true 00:13:58.409 --> 00:14:02.769 self, to be vulnerable in those situations. It 00:14:02.769 --> 00:14:05.250 sounds like you were. allowing yourself in that 00:14:05.250 --> 00:14:10.090 moment to be vulnerable and say, wow, the relationships 00:14:10.090 --> 00:14:14.029 that I have here and the way they make me feel 00:14:14.029 --> 00:14:18.370 have really done something to me. Yeah, it's 00:14:18.370 --> 00:14:23.509 life. It's, you know, I hope people regularly 00:14:23.509 --> 00:14:27.230 ask, why am I here? What am I really doing? Am 00:14:27.230 --> 00:14:30.090 I doing enough? What could I do better? And not 00:14:30.090 --> 00:14:34.179 in a pressure way. uh not in a way that we internalize 00:14:34.179 --> 00:14:35.899 and we say i need to be doing better i'm not 00:14:35.899 --> 00:14:38.679 doing enough like all the there's a balance the 00:14:38.679 --> 00:14:41.679 balance between and it's it's hard to find but 00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:45.159 i saw something recently and i've known this 00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:47.240 but the way that she described it was beautiful 00:14:47.240 --> 00:14:50.840 the synchronization how synchronization works 00:14:50.840 --> 00:14:54.919 in heart cells, brain cells, uh, pendulums, whatever, 00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:56.820 like you could have it clicking all different 00:14:56.820 --> 00:14:59.799 times, but eventually because of the tiny vibrations 00:14:59.799 --> 00:15:03.220 and time and space, they all start synchronizing. 00:15:03.220 --> 00:15:07.340 And it's, it's very important to have the collective 00:15:07.340 --> 00:15:11.519 energy open and synchronizing in a positive way, 00:15:11.620 --> 00:15:15.399 uh, to the best of our ability. Yeah. That's 00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:17.990 beautifully said. Thank you. I don't even know 00:15:17.990 --> 00:15:20.769 what I just said, but you'll get it on the playback. 00:15:20.950 --> 00:15:23.750 It just like it goes like that. So I don't know 00:15:23.750 --> 00:15:27.210 what happens. But yeah, tell me more. All right. 00:15:27.230 --> 00:15:29.990 So if I'm if I'm jumping back into it, because 00:15:29.990 --> 00:15:32.470 I think we were we were right in the middle of 00:15:32.470 --> 00:15:35.090 like where where I was when I was starting to 00:15:35.090 --> 00:15:38.409 turn things around, you know, that moment that 00:15:38.409 --> 00:15:42.309 I chose to live. It wasn't just by trying hard 00:15:42.309 --> 00:15:44.909 and just trying to fix things. It was it was 00:15:44.909 --> 00:15:48.169 letting people in. And that choice, it reshaped 00:15:48.169 --> 00:15:51.169 everything in my life. It took almost a decade 00:15:51.169 --> 00:15:53.450 to do it. But my marriage, the way that I started 00:15:53.450 --> 00:15:57.330 leading, and really the way that I defined success. 00:15:59.669 --> 00:16:01.809 But the one thing that never changed is I never 00:16:01.809 --> 00:16:04.549 stopped trying to achieve. And you've gotten 00:16:04.549 --> 00:16:06.669 to follow this journey. And it's been such a 00:16:06.669 --> 00:16:08.429 blessing to be able to follow your journey as 00:16:08.429 --> 00:16:11.649 well. I didn't stop achieving, but I did stop 00:16:11.649 --> 00:16:16.149 isolating, both emotionally and physically. And 00:16:16.149 --> 00:16:19.210 for anyone that's ever isolated, we know that 00:16:19.210 --> 00:16:22.470 that really can dig us into a deeper hole when 00:16:22.470 --> 00:16:25.549 we're suffering with depression, substance abuse, 00:16:25.730 --> 00:16:28.610 and it pulls us away from those relationships 00:16:28.610 --> 00:16:30.889 even more. And it can be a lot harder to get 00:16:30.889 --> 00:16:35.389 out of trouble, I guess, if you find yourself 00:16:35.389 --> 00:16:37.629 there. So that was one of the greatest things 00:16:37.629 --> 00:16:41.100 that happened. vulnerability ended up becoming 00:16:41.100 --> 00:16:44.139 this foundation for me in building relationships 00:16:44.139 --> 00:16:47.100 and teams, the way I approach the family life. 00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:54.980 And when I began sharing my journey, I really 00:16:54.980 --> 00:16:57.580 started to see how high performers like ourselves 00:16:57.580 --> 00:17:01.320 were stuck where I had been. You know, they look 00:17:01.320 --> 00:17:03.840 successful on the outside, but they're so disconnected 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:08.769 on the inside. And today I get to share my story, 00:17:08.789 --> 00:17:12.069 share my experience by teaching people to embrace 00:17:12.069 --> 00:17:17.210 vulnerability so that they understand what real 00:17:17.210 --> 00:17:19.250 connection feels like and they, and they don't 00:17:19.250 --> 00:17:23.049 have to go through life suffering. Yes. Yes. 00:17:23.150 --> 00:17:25.170 Cause we're not alone. That's a weird, that's 00:17:25.170 --> 00:17:27.769 why we're all here together. Really? I mean, 00:17:27.769 --> 00:17:34.339 otherwise we'd be alone. Yeah, I know. And I 00:17:34.339 --> 00:17:36.619 don't know, can you answer this? Because I know 00:17:36.619 --> 00:17:39.200 I can for myself, but was there a time in your 00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:41.920 life when you felt like it was just better to 00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:45.660 be a loner and you realized something from that? 00:17:46.920 --> 00:17:49.900 Whether it was better or worse to be that way? 00:17:50.740 --> 00:17:56.539 I would say after, in May of 2021, I had an abrupt 00:17:56.539 --> 00:17:58.579 spiritual awakening and I've talked about that 00:17:58.579 --> 00:18:00.440 like several times because it usually comes up 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:03.539 because it was a major pivotal point. Which that 00:18:03.539 --> 00:18:07.880 is when I really felt like I wanted to be a loner. 00:18:07.900 --> 00:18:10.640 I did not want to be around other people. Things 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:13.359 were really wiggly. It was uncomfortable for 00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:18.640 me. It only took about five years to unwind and 00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:21.680 be able to comfortably say that's because I'm 00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:25.380 a shaman. I wasn't crazy. There's nothing wrong. 00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:29.759 I'm just able to see things on that level. See, 00:18:29.900 --> 00:18:33.740 hear, feel, smell. etc so there's nothing wrong 00:18:33.740 --> 00:18:37.420 but yes I I felt like I wanted to be a loner 00:18:37.420 --> 00:18:40.019 I was really I would rather to be connected with 00:18:40.019 --> 00:18:44.640 nature and animals and like plants and um then 00:18:44.640 --> 00:18:49.460 there was uh that felt good for a time but then 00:18:49.460 --> 00:18:55.460 um yeah it's I felt like it was really important 00:18:55.460 --> 00:19:02.619 for me to be normal and like go out and like 00:19:02.619 --> 00:19:05.779 do things because it is right but i i it's okay 00:19:05.779 --> 00:19:07.740 to have like smaller groups you don't have to 00:19:07.740 --> 00:19:10.160 like open yourself up to like you don't have 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:12.299 to be on a podcast or make a podcast you don't 00:19:12.299 --> 00:19:14.000 have to speak in front of people if you don't 00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:18.640 want to but like opening up to your family in 00:19:18.640 --> 00:19:24.619 more honest ways um i mean like how does that 00:19:24.619 --> 00:19:26.960 happen it could be intentional you could get 00:19:26.960 --> 00:19:29.539 like cards have you ever seen these like Decks 00:19:29.539 --> 00:19:31.559 of cards are like flashcards where you can ask 00:19:31.559 --> 00:19:34.220 questions and it's for specific topics. Like 00:19:34.220 --> 00:19:35.920 it could be for family. It could be for a relationship. 00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:38.299 It could be for like sex. Like it could be whatever. 00:19:38.660 --> 00:19:43.000 And like you could do that kind of thing. Or 00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:46.000 it comes out in like you just have an emotional 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:47.900 outburst and then you're able to like actually 00:19:47.900 --> 00:19:51.339 explain yourself because other people are seeing 00:19:51.339 --> 00:19:55.079 signs and eventually you have to talk about it. 00:19:55.900 --> 00:19:58.200 So, I mean, you could either be proactive or 00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:02.029 you could. exist and pick up on signs and hold 00:20:02.029 --> 00:20:06.349 things in or you know it's hard to compare but 00:20:06.349 --> 00:20:10.029 I'm kind of getting off track that's okay it's 00:20:10.029 --> 00:20:13.670 it's good because I I've enjoyed watching your 00:20:13.670 --> 00:20:16.670 journey from from where you were and I watch 00:20:16.670 --> 00:20:18.769 from the peripherals it's mostly through social 00:20:18.769 --> 00:20:23.549 media but if if I'm correct in asking or saying 00:20:23.549 --> 00:20:26.509 were you working through a lot of trauma at one 00:20:26.509 --> 00:20:31.569 point uh to to get to where you are now? Oh yeah. 00:20:31.670 --> 00:20:35.789 It was like built up stress because I was, I 00:20:35.789 --> 00:20:38.630 didn't have a great relationship. It wasn't balanced. 00:20:38.970 --> 00:20:42.049 Our workload wasn't balanced. Our communication 00:20:42.049 --> 00:20:44.910 wasn't good. There was, there were things amiss, 00:20:44.910 --> 00:20:48.630 things that didn't add up. It was really stressful. 00:20:49.690 --> 00:20:52.230 Because then eventually, like, I mean, it was 00:20:52.230 --> 00:20:54.329 better when I worked on my own. I always had 00:20:54.329 --> 00:20:58.390 my own job and I managed like the household and 00:20:58.390 --> 00:21:03.630 the kids mostly. But then eventually I started 00:21:03.630 --> 00:21:08.630 working in business with my ex and it was really, 00:21:08.710 --> 00:21:11.569 things didn't make sense. The more involved I 00:21:11.569 --> 00:21:14.690 got, the less I understood what he was doing, 00:21:14.910 --> 00:21:18.240 what was happening. Nothing made sense. Like 00:21:18.240 --> 00:21:19.920 he wanted me to be a partner. He wanted me to 00:21:19.920 --> 00:21:22.279 run everything and do everything. He said, you 00:21:22.279 --> 00:21:24.779 know, for our wills, we wanted to get things 00:21:24.779 --> 00:21:27.599 like the plan for our wills after we had our 00:21:27.599 --> 00:21:29.819 daughter and just normal things that a married 00:21:29.819 --> 00:21:32.039 couple does. And the question comes up, well, 00:21:32.119 --> 00:21:33.779 what, what do you want to happen? If something 00:21:33.779 --> 00:21:35.920 happened to you, if you were to die, what do 00:21:35.920 --> 00:21:38.559 you want the business? He said, I want her to 00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:40.539 run it. Well, okay. If you want me to run it, 00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:43.059 then you should probably make me part owner. 00:21:43.630 --> 00:21:45.690 And if you want me to take money out of our home 00:21:45.690 --> 00:21:50.150 equity line of credit to put into a property 00:21:50.150 --> 00:21:52.789 that's owned by the business, and I don't have 00:21:52.789 --> 00:21:55.329 any ownership of that, but you want me to work 00:21:55.329 --> 00:21:58.369 60 hours a week for the business and put my money 00:21:58.369 --> 00:22:01.289 up for it and live my life around it for my entire 00:22:01.289 --> 00:22:05.869 life with him, but not be honored in any way 00:22:05.869 --> 00:22:10.470 or recognized or secure, and I'm run ragged. 00:22:11.690 --> 00:22:13.910 It got to the point where it was just, it was 00:22:13.910 --> 00:22:15.869 like literally clown show. Like it was just, 00:22:15.869 --> 00:22:21.130 it was just so outrageous that it had to stop. 00:22:21.250 --> 00:22:24.710 Like it was just, and then I realized now that 00:22:24.710 --> 00:22:27.430 I, I actually believe it was intentional, like 00:22:27.430 --> 00:22:31.450 psychological abuse, emotional abuse, psychological 00:22:31.450 --> 00:22:35.230 abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, all the 00:22:35.230 --> 00:22:38.890 kinds of abuse. And so I'm realizing it now because 00:22:38.890 --> 00:22:42.839 I didn't. talk openly with anyone during that 00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:47.839 time um I tried to like I tried to tell my my 00:22:47.839 --> 00:22:49.900 husband how I was feeling I was always very honest 00:22:49.900 --> 00:22:52.880 and open but like I didn't tell I didn't share 00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:56.359 my problems with people because when someone 00:22:56.359 --> 00:22:59.339 asks you how are you you're supposed to say I'm 00:22:59.339 --> 00:23:03.220 great doing great yeah spent a lot of time doing 00:23:03.220 --> 00:23:06.589 that in my life yeah yeah right It's just so 00:23:06.589 --> 00:23:08.930 stupid. Like, why do we lie? We lie to ourselves 00:23:08.930 --> 00:23:11.450 when we do that. Like when we just went, someone 00:23:11.450 --> 00:23:14.029 asked you how you are, you have a rock in your 00:23:14.029 --> 00:23:18.089 gut and you're like, I'm good. Yeah. Why, why 00:23:18.089 --> 00:23:23.569 are you lying? It's just. I have a big emotions 00:23:23.569 --> 00:23:27.809 color wheel in my classroom or in my art classroom. 00:23:28.210 --> 00:23:30.630 And everyone's like, that's so great. You have 00:23:30.630 --> 00:23:32.609 that for the kids. And I tell them, I'm like, 00:23:32.630 --> 00:23:35.440 I didn't put that up there for the kids. I put 00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:38.579 that up for myself when I was dealing with, I 00:23:38.579 --> 00:23:41.940 didn't know how to express a single emotion until 00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:46.680 I was in my maybe late 20s. I kept everything 00:23:46.680 --> 00:23:50.599 bottled up. And whenever I was teaching and I 00:23:50.599 --> 00:23:54.920 started having moments where I just felt angry 00:23:54.920 --> 00:23:57.200 or sad, those are the two emotions I never learned 00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:00.940 how to process. You know, it comes out in us. 00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:03.900 It comes out in us as adults. And I was like, 00:24:03.940 --> 00:24:06.339 this is not, a way to show up in the classroom 00:24:06.339 --> 00:24:10.519 here. So I use that chart as a tool to allow 00:24:10.519 --> 00:24:14.619 myself to say, hmm, I feel really angry right 00:24:14.619 --> 00:24:17.319 now, but what flavor of angry do I feel right 00:24:17.319 --> 00:24:20.099 now? Am I frustrated? Why am I frustrated? Oh, 00:24:20.140 --> 00:24:22.359 because I feel like I just got betrayed by this 00:24:22.359 --> 00:24:25.559 kid. And that's bringing up feelings from childhood. 00:24:25.799 --> 00:24:28.039 Oh, actually, that makes me feel really sad. 00:24:28.299 --> 00:24:33.369 So uncovering yeah all of those emotions yes 00:24:33.369 --> 00:24:36.970 yes and can I ask you when you were younger did 00:24:36.970 --> 00:24:39.009 people tell you not to cry because you were a 00:24:39.009 --> 00:24:41.869 boy it was a big thing on the sports field it 00:24:41.869 --> 00:24:44.809 was it was it was the locker room kind of tendency 00:24:44.809 --> 00:24:48.470 don't be a don't be a pussy suck it up rub dirt 00:24:48.470 --> 00:24:52.329 on it and to an extent As an athlete, you have 00:24:52.329 --> 00:24:54.650 to be willing to put up with physical pain and 00:24:54.650 --> 00:24:57.230 play through injury. But we're talking on the 00:24:57.230 --> 00:25:00.170 emotional side where a child is trying to express 00:25:00.170 --> 00:25:02.349 that they're in discomfort and it's psychologically 00:25:02.349 --> 00:25:06.430 hurting them. And having that message constantly 00:25:06.430 --> 00:25:12.789 generalized across the board was difficult to 00:25:12.789 --> 00:25:17.779 have to always fall in line with. Yeah. And it's 00:25:17.779 --> 00:25:20.160 interesting because we as humans naturally cry. 00:25:20.380 --> 00:25:22.380 Like, don't you think it's funny? We have to 00:25:22.380 --> 00:25:26.299 fight it back. Oh, yeah. I'm a crier, too. Right. 00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:29.079 And it's well, it's medicine. The component, 00:25:29.259 --> 00:25:33.019 the chemical component of our tears are actually 00:25:33.019 --> 00:25:37.079 specifically designed for whatever we need, especially 00:25:37.079 --> 00:25:39.859 if they come from the inner part of your eye 00:25:39.859 --> 00:25:42.019 and they curl in toward your mouth. You should 00:25:42.019 --> 00:25:43.799 let them go in your mouth because it's literally 00:25:43.799 --> 00:25:46.380 medicine. And I don't know how to express it. 00:25:46.420 --> 00:25:49.359 Not only is that a spiritual aspect, but it's 00:25:49.359 --> 00:25:52.920 scientific. Like it just, it is, it's, it's, 00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:55.779 we're built for that and it should be expressed. 00:25:56.279 --> 00:26:00.059 And it's a sin. I think when people are told 00:26:00.059 --> 00:26:03.900 not to cry, it's yeah. Yeah. It's sad. Instead 00:26:03.900 --> 00:26:06.380 of just someone like holding them in that, you 00:26:06.380 --> 00:26:10.500 know, like that's, that's sad. Yeah. When, when's 00:26:10.500 --> 00:26:13.539 the last time you had just a good cry? Oh my 00:26:13.539 --> 00:26:16.799 gosh. Like a sponge. You just got sponged out. 00:26:18.220 --> 00:26:21.640 Oh my God. What did I cry about? I cry almost 00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:24.180 every day because something will make me cry. 00:26:24.220 --> 00:26:25.539 Like, but it doesn't last long. You know what 00:26:25.539 --> 00:26:27.900 I mean? It's just, it's like joy and sadness, 00:26:27.960 --> 00:26:31.079 you know, like whatever. one the last thing i 00:26:31.079 --> 00:26:33.559 think i cried about was i saw an instagram video 00:26:33.559 --> 00:26:36.640 and it was a girl cooking with her grandma and 00:26:36.640 --> 00:26:38.380 it was this pot and she's like can i call the 00:26:38.380 --> 00:26:40.420 pot and she's like i don't know it'll be up for 00:26:40.420 --> 00:26:43.000 dibs like whatever and then the whole family 00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:45.160 like then like flash forward and the whole family 00:26:45.160 --> 00:26:47.660 was there with a bunch of stuff around and they 00:26:47.660 --> 00:26:50.359 had the pot up and called the girl like this 00:26:50.359 --> 00:26:52.759 is for you and she was crying and that made me 00:26:52.759 --> 00:26:56.460 cry because like that is magic and those items 00:26:56.460 --> 00:27:00.059 hold energy from from our family members that's 00:27:00.059 --> 00:27:02.579 like you know material things don't matter but 00:27:02.579 --> 00:27:05.579 they do when they have sentimental energy like 00:27:05.579 --> 00:27:09.519 they really hold energy in a in a feng shui dynamic 00:27:09.519 --> 00:27:13.980 um but it's everything has energy but the last 00:27:13.980 --> 00:27:20.059 time i cried like and actually really started 00:27:20.059 --> 00:27:24.480 like wailing and crying was uh i had to suddenly 00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:27.740 cancel a trip that i had planned and i was disappointed 00:27:28.460 --> 00:27:31.299 And then I had to let that disappointment out, 00:27:31.420 --> 00:27:36.859 but it's okay. It worked out in my favor. It 00:27:36.859 --> 00:27:40.299 was just sucked. I'm happy to hear. Yeah. Yeah. 00:27:40.420 --> 00:27:43.720 It's it's yeah. Maybe it may be another time. 00:27:43.819 --> 00:27:46.940 I had a trip planned to go to Puerto Rico and 00:27:46.940 --> 00:27:50.019 I was going to go for a workshop to learn how 00:27:50.019 --> 00:27:53.400 to build cob structures. And that's the direction 00:27:53.400 --> 00:27:56.700 I would like to go for my own home. Like I don't 00:27:56.700 --> 00:27:59.579 want to. buy a house in chester county and have 00:27:59.579 --> 00:28:03.400 a mortgage i want to build a home from the earth 00:28:03.400 --> 00:28:06.440 and have several different homes in different 00:28:06.440 --> 00:28:09.240 areas of the world like i don't want you know 00:28:09.240 --> 00:28:10.799 what i mean so i'm trying to learn how to do 00:28:10.799 --> 00:28:13.119 that because you you know it would be much cheaper 00:28:13.119 --> 00:28:15.180 if you did it yourself so i want and first of 00:28:15.180 --> 00:28:17.380 all i need to learn and that's how i do things 00:28:17.380 --> 00:28:22.250 so i had planned to go to a workshop and uh Then 00:28:22.250 --> 00:28:24.609 suddenly my daughter had some issues. She didn't 00:28:24.609 --> 00:28:27.029 want to go to school. She had some truancy issues 00:28:27.029 --> 00:28:29.769 and was having a tough time. She's a manifester 00:28:29.769 --> 00:28:31.950 though. If you know anything about human design, 00:28:32.130 --> 00:28:34.549 like her energy isn't consistent and she sometimes 00:28:34.549 --> 00:28:37.869 needs rest cycles and she's growing and she's, 00:28:37.869 --> 00:28:40.549 you know, so, and I'm home. So I was like, I 00:28:40.549 --> 00:28:42.869 would like to homeschool her. And if I homeschool 00:28:42.869 --> 00:28:44.650 her, she could come with me to this workshop 00:28:44.650 --> 00:28:49.089 and she could do her online school. learn this 00:28:49.089 --> 00:28:52.509 and experience you know that's how I want to 00:28:52.509 --> 00:28:57.950 live but uh my ex did not want that so then he 00:28:57.950 --> 00:29:03.029 made some emergency uh orders and then the judge 00:29:03.029 --> 00:29:07.650 said that I couldn't take her so oh it was like 00:29:07.650 --> 00:29:11.190 and it was the day before uh -huh oh gosh that 00:29:11.190 --> 00:29:13.509 must have been a difficult moment it was yeah 00:29:13.509 --> 00:29:16.299 it was rough it was really rough yeah But it's 00:29:16.299 --> 00:29:20.000 okay. Cause I was able to let it out. Yes. That's 00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:22.900 why release is important. Yes. Yes. Cause it 00:29:22.900 --> 00:29:24.900 was like, that's not normal for me. I don't usually 00:29:24.900 --> 00:29:28.440 like get extremely emotional, but I do like I'll 00:29:28.440 --> 00:29:30.700 have tears and they come quickly and they leave 00:29:30.700 --> 00:29:32.700 quickly and I just let them come and go and it's 00:29:32.700 --> 00:29:35.279 okay. Yeah. Just move through the emotion. It 00:29:35.279 --> 00:29:38.440 passes. And then you don't have to hold on to 00:29:38.440 --> 00:29:42.859 any other excess garbage afterwards. Yeah, I 00:29:42.859 --> 00:29:45.539 actually it's reminded me of a story that I posted 00:29:45.539 --> 00:29:49.119 yesterday about a Native American tradition where 00:29:49.119 --> 00:29:52.940 they'll gather stones, specific stones and identify 00:29:52.940 --> 00:29:57.680 them with their trauma or what they want to release. 00:29:57.940 --> 00:30:01.180 And then they'll go to the water and throw those 00:30:01.180 --> 00:30:03.559 stones intentionally releasing that. And then 00:30:03.559 --> 00:30:06.099 they hold the last one, keep that as a reminder 00:30:06.099 --> 00:30:09.420 of what they released and that it's actually 00:30:09.420 --> 00:30:15.069 like more effective. than talk therapy. There's 00:30:15.069 --> 00:30:17.670 a lot of power behind that. And I've seen that 00:30:17.670 --> 00:30:21.450 in various forms too, like release meditation 00:30:21.450 --> 00:30:24.869 where you're thinking the thoughts or in cognitive 00:30:24.869 --> 00:30:28.920 behavior therapy even. actively, intentionally 00:30:28.920 --> 00:30:31.140 releasing the thoughts and watching, putting 00:30:31.140 --> 00:30:33.140 them in a boat. Oh my gosh, you're bringing me 00:30:33.140 --> 00:30:36.359 back to some of that. Putting it in a boat and 00:30:36.359 --> 00:30:39.640 watching it sail down the river and your problem 00:30:39.640 --> 00:30:43.059 is going down. It sounds all woo -woo when you 00:30:43.059 --> 00:30:45.099 don't know that world, but when it's all you 00:30:45.099 --> 00:30:48.539 have to grasp onto to get through that hard time 00:30:48.539 --> 00:30:50.140 in your life, you're like, I'm willing to do 00:30:50.140 --> 00:30:53.519 anything at this point. And it actually does. 00:30:54.279 --> 00:30:58.680 really help a lot yes yes because we are so powerful 00:30:58.680 --> 00:31:01.940 in our intention and when you visualize that 00:31:01.940 --> 00:31:04.940 you use your imagination that's real that really 00:31:04.940 --> 00:31:07.880 is your imagination is what you can draw from 00:31:07.880 --> 00:31:15.640 to help you feel how you want to feel right uh 00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:18.180 it's just it's interesting you can you can let 00:31:18.180 --> 00:31:22.430 it get run away and kind of terrify you and get 00:31:22.430 --> 00:31:25.470 paranoid or self -critical, or you can let it 00:31:25.470 --> 00:31:28.970 surprise you and take, take things away that 00:31:28.970 --> 00:31:35.029 you didn't know you had. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's 00:31:35.029 --> 00:31:39.670 fun. Like children do kids. You know, I just, 00:31:39.789 --> 00:31:45.670 I, I love observing their. imagination and and 00:31:45.670 --> 00:31:48.609 the way that they think and act it's just so 00:31:48.609 --> 00:31:52.730 funny it's that's my my favorite age is kindergarten 00:31:52.730 --> 00:31:57.029 to teach because they're so they do not get offended 00:31:57.029 --> 00:32:00.490 by anything yeah and they won't turn a cheek 00:32:00.490 --> 00:32:02.690 to something that's that's happening that would 00:32:02.690 --> 00:32:05.650 normally make everyone go oh they get bumped 00:32:05.650 --> 00:32:08.750 into they don't apologize they're just like oh 00:32:08.750 --> 00:32:12.079 okay they hold their own space they don't get 00:32:12.079 --> 00:32:15.880 offended i had a student last year he was drawing 00:32:15.880 --> 00:32:19.539 in class and he just yells out what the fuck 00:32:19.539 --> 00:32:24.500 and not one kid in that class in that kindergarten 00:32:24.500 --> 00:32:27.900 class turned to see what he said well they're 00:32:27.900 --> 00:32:30.380 probably used to all their parents well yeah 00:32:30.380 --> 00:32:32.819 well that kid was because when i went to him 00:32:32.819 --> 00:32:35.440 i'm like hey bud you know what you just said 00:32:35.440 --> 00:32:39.079 because The other kids were like oblivious to 00:32:39.079 --> 00:32:41.279 it. And I'm like, you know what you said? He's 00:32:41.279 --> 00:32:43.619 like, yeah, my parents say it all the time. Oh 00:32:43.619 --> 00:32:46.380 my gosh. Okay, but well in here, like I had my 00:32:46.380 --> 00:32:49.779 kindergarten teacher voice on, but it just, for 00:32:49.779 --> 00:32:54.279 me, I'm like, that is so raw human. They haven't 00:32:54.279 --> 00:32:58.059 been intercepted by, you know, the judgment train 00:32:58.059 --> 00:33:01.140 yet where they're going to start acting a certain 00:33:01.140 --> 00:33:03.299 way and showing up a certain way based on how 00:33:03.299 --> 00:33:05.259 they think others want to show, want them to 00:33:05.259 --> 00:33:09.019 show up. Yeah. Yes, definitely. For a little 00:33:09.019 --> 00:33:14.140 while I was a swim instructor at a kid's swimming 00:33:14.140 --> 00:33:18.559 place. It was fun. I did it last winter because 00:33:18.559 --> 00:33:22.279 I had the time during the day because I've not 00:33:22.279 --> 00:33:26.039 taken a job like a, you know, nine to five with 00:33:26.039 --> 00:33:28.180 someone else. So I was like, I could just do 00:33:28.180 --> 00:33:31.019 that for a couple hours, be in the pool, get 00:33:31.019 --> 00:33:38.200 some exercise and watching the kids. experience 00:33:38.200 --> 00:33:40.700 something that they don't they're not sure about 00:33:40.700 --> 00:33:43.839 but they take the risk and then they succeed 00:33:43.839 --> 00:33:47.740 and how proud they are i just it's like magic 00:33:47.740 --> 00:33:50.380 like that energy is so powerful it's kind of 00:33:50.380 --> 00:33:54.599 like that's what that's what powers the world 00:33:54.599 --> 00:33:57.980 you know yeah it's it's so fun i love that and 00:33:57.980 --> 00:34:01.480 how adults when working through their inner child 00:34:01.480 --> 00:34:07.059 stuff can when you know on the healed end of 00:34:07.059 --> 00:34:11.119 the spectrum can can allow that in and go have 00:34:11.119 --> 00:34:13.340 fun like i can't tell you how many crazy stares 00:34:13.340 --> 00:34:15.699 i've gotten from people like over the years at 00:34:15.699 --> 00:34:17.860 a playground like i'll just run around and like 00:34:17.860 --> 00:34:19.980 play on the playground equipment and like you 00:34:19.980 --> 00:34:21.820 know play with the kids and stuff and people 00:34:21.820 --> 00:34:24.320 can see you doing that yeah like i'm like so 00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:28.420 weird i'm like make dinosaur noises like people 00:34:28.420 --> 00:34:30.940 are like what is she doing but you know who cares 00:34:30.940 --> 00:34:34.400 because we're here to play so i mean it's just 00:34:34.400 --> 00:34:37.880 fun but Well, here's to bringing out the inner 00:34:37.880 --> 00:34:40.840 child in us every day. That's awesome. Yeah, 00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:44.079 it's fun. Except for some time, you know, now 00:34:44.079 --> 00:34:48.400 I'm homeschooling my daughter and she'll want 00:34:48.400 --> 00:34:50.380 to do everything with me. And we have this awesome 00:34:50.380 --> 00:34:52.039 space in the basement that's like gymnastics 00:34:52.039 --> 00:34:55.900 and area with half of its art and half of it's 00:34:55.900 --> 00:35:01.500 like a gym. she'll want to go down there. And 00:35:01.500 --> 00:35:03.059 I'm like, can you please go down? I'm like doing 00:35:03.059 --> 00:35:05.000 the dishes and cooking, I'm doing whatever. And 00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:07.739 I'm like, I'm not a kid. I can't just play. And 00:35:07.739 --> 00:35:10.360 then I'm like, I shouldn't say that. You know 00:35:10.360 --> 00:35:12.440 what I mean? Cause I can just play. Like we can 00:35:12.440 --> 00:35:15.019 just use, I could just say, you know what? I'm 00:35:15.019 --> 00:35:17.019 going to stop doing the dishes and go down and 00:35:17.019 --> 00:35:19.219 play. Or maybe she can help me do the dishes 00:35:19.219 --> 00:35:21.239 and then we can play together. You know, it's 00:35:21.239 --> 00:35:23.639 like, there's always a way, but yeah, we have 00:35:23.639 --> 00:35:26.880 to get away from that mindset of like, I don't 00:35:26.880 --> 00:35:30.510 have time to play. I know. That's all we do have 00:35:30.510 --> 00:35:35.789 right now. Right? Yeah. Yeah. That's how I feel. 00:35:35.849 --> 00:35:39.010 I keep cutting you off with your story. I'm sorry. 00:35:39.090 --> 00:35:41.949 Oh, it's okay. Winding all over the place. I 00:35:41.949 --> 00:35:44.789 feel like these are the best types of interviews 00:35:44.789 --> 00:35:49.989 or podcasts or when you speak on the topics that 00:35:49.989 --> 00:35:54.230 you want to speak on, but you draw in the connection 00:35:54.230 --> 00:35:58.230 of what you're. your brand is or your beliefs 00:35:58.230 --> 00:36:01.929 are and you mesh those together because I think 00:36:01.929 --> 00:36:04.070 that's the content people want to hear is how 00:36:04.070 --> 00:36:07.230 do you come into everyday situations in life? 00:36:09.130 --> 00:36:13.230 Yeah. So tell me a little bit about, are you 00:36:13.230 --> 00:36:16.829 still pursuing art? Like, do you do your own 00:36:16.829 --> 00:36:20.530 art or you get your fill at school? Tell me about 00:36:20.530 --> 00:36:24.059 your art world. So my fill at school is different 00:36:24.059 --> 00:36:26.739 than the fill that I get from making art myself. 00:36:27.219 --> 00:36:32.900 Yeah. One thing that I realized later on is when 00:36:32.900 --> 00:36:38.280 I quit drinking, I jumped right into this identity 00:36:38.280 --> 00:36:42.300 of I'm an artist. I'm going to make it my career. 00:36:42.500 --> 00:36:46.420 And it became a healthier obsession for me. And 00:36:46.420 --> 00:36:52.429 while it is a healthy thing to do. I just I was 00:36:52.429 --> 00:36:55.449 so lost with with knowing who I was, because 00:36:55.449 --> 00:36:58.329 the only thing I thought I was was an athlete. 00:36:58.610 --> 00:37:03.050 And then I was an alcoholic. And and then when 00:37:03.050 --> 00:37:05.050 I stopped that, I was like, well, I guess I'm 00:37:05.050 --> 00:37:08.869 nothing now. I do. I'm good at art. I love art. 00:37:08.969 --> 00:37:12.429 I've always done it. Let me pursue. And that's 00:37:12.429 --> 00:37:17.269 the side where achievement for the achievement 00:37:17.269 --> 00:37:21.360 for the purpose of. feeling fulfilled or feeling 00:37:21.360 --> 00:37:23.860 loved and filling gaps in my life that's where 00:37:23.860 --> 00:37:26.960 that really started to show up as a pattern because 00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:29.460 I did that as an athlete I thought that if I 00:37:29.460 --> 00:37:32.400 got to the highest level you know I would I would 00:37:32.400 --> 00:37:35.440 finally be loved I would finally be looked at 00:37:35.440 --> 00:37:38.139 in a way but it was really just myself wishing 00:37:38.139 --> 00:37:40.280 that I could look at myself as being worthy of 00:37:40.280 --> 00:37:42.840 love the same thing happened with the art business 00:37:42.840 --> 00:37:48.960 and I finally sold out a show and was empty and 00:37:48.960 --> 00:37:50.860 I was like I know this feeling I've had this 00:37:50.860 --> 00:37:53.519 feeling before but I had my wits about me and 00:37:53.519 --> 00:37:56.780 I said this I did it wrong again shoot I fell 00:37:56.780 --> 00:37:59.019 into the pattern and that's when I really noticed 00:37:59.019 --> 00:38:03.400 the pattern of how achievement became my drug 00:38:03.400 --> 00:38:07.059 it's it was just the only way I thought I could 00:38:07.059 --> 00:38:09.659 feel loved and when I finally confronted that 00:38:09.659 --> 00:38:15.380 I started to see just how just what the best 00:38:15.380 --> 00:38:18.059 mode of feeling loved was for me. And that was 00:38:18.059 --> 00:38:20.780 in having deep connected, vulnerable relationships 00:38:20.780 --> 00:38:25.539 with people and letting people know how they 00:38:25.539 --> 00:38:27.500 have come into my life and how they have affected 00:38:27.500 --> 00:38:30.820 me. One of the things that I do every day is 00:38:30.820 --> 00:38:33.579 I send a message to someone in my life and I 00:38:33.579 --> 00:38:37.119 just, I tell them exactly what they mean to me, 00:38:37.219 --> 00:38:40.360 the impact that they've had on me. I go deep. 00:38:40.800 --> 00:38:43.420 I might give them a motivational speech. I might 00:38:43.420 --> 00:38:46.860 call them up to be like, you need to get on whatever 00:38:46.860 --> 00:38:48.900 that thing was that you gave up. And I don't 00:38:48.900 --> 00:38:51.079 know what it is, but we all have something because 00:38:51.079 --> 00:38:56.719 we're human. And it's so much received and appreciated 00:38:56.719 --> 00:39:00.599 by people. Yeah. And it just confirms what the 00:39:00.599 --> 00:39:03.119 power of vulnerability and openness can do to 00:39:03.119 --> 00:39:05.820 our relationships for healing and for progressing 00:39:05.820 --> 00:39:09.070 our relationships as well. Yeah, totally. It's 00:39:09.070 --> 00:39:10.989 so funny. Cause right when you started talking 00:39:10.989 --> 00:39:13.610 about that, I was going to say, I remember you 00:39:13.610 --> 00:39:15.829 sent me a message like out of the blue and you 00:39:15.829 --> 00:39:17.349 were like, Hey, I just want to let you know, 00:39:17.389 --> 00:39:21.090 you really helped me. Whatever. Like, I think 00:39:21.090 --> 00:39:23.940 you were talking about. how I commissioned you 00:39:23.940 --> 00:39:27.000 for the painting of the house. And you were like, 00:39:27.039 --> 00:39:28.500 I just want to thank you for that. And I'm like, 00:39:28.519 --> 00:39:31.199 what do you mean? Like I was, I wanted that picture 00:39:31.199 --> 00:39:33.320 from you because you're a great artist. Thank 00:39:33.320 --> 00:39:37.880 you. Yeah. So it's just, you know. Yeah. And 00:39:37.880 --> 00:39:40.260 that was the relationship side that I failed 00:39:40.260 --> 00:39:42.320 to see at the time. Cause at the time I said, 00:39:42.360 --> 00:39:43.820 oh, she wants a commission. I'm going to make 00:39:43.820 --> 00:39:46.539 some money and, and it's cool. I'm doing art. 00:39:46.840 --> 00:39:50.400 Yeah. Really. It was a Bobby. Like this is coming 00:39:50.400 --> 00:39:53.809 from you. This is a special thing. Yeah. Your 00:39:53.809 --> 00:39:56.730 relationship with me means something. Yeah. And 00:39:56.730 --> 00:40:00.929 I feel like there are moments in our lives we 00:40:00.929 --> 00:40:02.869 don't tell people about how they affected us. 00:40:02.909 --> 00:40:06.909 I was just thinking, I've never told you this, 00:40:07.070 --> 00:40:12.329 but I remember how I got into the band Sublime. 00:40:13.070 --> 00:40:15.650 Oh, yeah. I loved them. And it was because of 00:40:15.650 --> 00:40:18.409 you. Oh, really? Because in seventh, I think 00:40:18.409 --> 00:40:21.699 it was seventh grade. In Mrs. Weaver's music 00:40:21.699 --> 00:40:24.159 class, we sat next to each other. We had that 00:40:24.159 --> 00:40:27.199 horseshoe -shaped desks, and I sat next to you. 00:40:27.260 --> 00:40:30.260 I barely knew you, but I did know on your backpack 00:40:30.260 --> 00:40:34.539 or on something, you had a Sublime sticker or 00:40:34.539 --> 00:40:37.280 a water bottle. Did we carry water bottles then? 00:40:37.360 --> 00:40:40.400 I don't know. Yeah, what? Were we just dehydrated 00:40:40.400 --> 00:40:42.260 all the time? We didn't carry water bottles. 00:40:42.619 --> 00:40:45.280 Yeah, you had the Sublime sticker, and I'm like, 00:40:45.380 --> 00:40:48.739 Chrissy's cool. She's like with the cool crowd. 00:40:48.940 --> 00:40:51.940 So I'm like, I need to find this. And I'm like 00:40:51.940 --> 00:40:54.579 rooting through my parents' CDs and I find the 00:40:54.579 --> 00:40:57.360 Sublime CD, the one where he's got like the tattoos 00:40:57.360 --> 00:41:00.079 on the back or whatever. And I found it. And 00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:02.159 whenever I would listen to that CD, I'm like, 00:41:02.239 --> 00:41:05.420 Chrissy would approve of this. And so I got so 00:41:05.420 --> 00:41:08.260 into Sublime because of that sticker on your 00:41:08.260 --> 00:41:11.260 binder. I don't even remember where it was. That's 00:41:11.260 --> 00:41:14.179 so funny. Probably on my binder, yeah. To get 00:41:14.179 --> 00:41:17.139 into a band so much just because of that moment. 00:41:17.630 --> 00:41:21.030 And to not share that kind of cool, special experience 00:41:21.030 --> 00:41:24.449 with someone as random as it is, why don't we 00:41:24.449 --> 00:41:29.610 do that more? People love hearing it. I say things 00:41:29.610 --> 00:41:32.869 sometimes and sometimes people are a little, 00:41:32.989 --> 00:41:35.030 maybe it's because they don't know how to receive 00:41:35.030 --> 00:41:37.269 it. So I shouldn't take it personally. But for 00:41:37.269 --> 00:41:40.769 example, years and years ago, I was at Target 00:41:40.769 --> 00:41:42.909 one day and there was a woman in front of me 00:41:42.909 --> 00:41:46.809 and she had two young children and they were... 00:41:46.989 --> 00:41:48.889 I don't want to say they were well -behaved because 00:41:48.889 --> 00:41:50.909 they were quiet and staying still, but they were 00:41:50.909 --> 00:41:54.230 quiet and staying still. So I was like, look 00:41:54.230 --> 00:41:56.210 at them. You know what I mean? Like, look at 00:41:56.210 --> 00:41:58.929 how sweet, like they're just like chilling. And 00:41:58.929 --> 00:42:02.489 there was like an empty banana peel on the conveyor 00:42:02.489 --> 00:42:04.050 belt. And I was like, oh, one of the kids got 00:42:04.050 --> 00:42:06.030 hungry and that's sweet. She's paying for it. 00:42:06.090 --> 00:42:08.269 Like, that's good. And then I'm looking at the 00:42:08.269 --> 00:42:10.329 things that she's buying and it's for organization 00:42:10.329 --> 00:42:13.469 and cleaning and like whatever. And, you know, 00:42:13.510 --> 00:42:17.449 I just, something came to me. and this is part 00:42:17.449 --> 00:42:20.110 of like my spiritual gifts like it's not me thinking 00:42:20.110 --> 00:42:24.110 it it's like but i do need to convey things sometimes 00:42:24.110 --> 00:42:26.389 because i get this overwhelming feeling like 00:42:26.389 --> 00:42:29.010 my heart starts pounding i keep hearing it in 00:42:29.010 --> 00:42:31.409 my head like and i'm just like I feel weird. 00:42:31.469 --> 00:42:33.250 Like, I can't say that. Like I need, like, I 00:42:33.250 --> 00:42:35.190 can't just like start talking to her. Like she's 00:42:35.190 --> 00:42:38.710 busy. Like what? Stop. Like, but something was 00:42:38.710 --> 00:42:40.750 like, say this to her. And I was like, excuse 00:42:40.750 --> 00:42:44.110 me. I just wanted to let you know, in case no 00:42:44.110 --> 00:42:47.869 one let you know today or recently that you are 00:42:47.869 --> 00:42:49.909 appreciated. I just wanted to let you know how 00:42:49.909 --> 00:42:51.710 appreciated you are and you're doing a wonderful 00:42:51.710 --> 00:42:55.329 job. And like, look at you go. And you know. 00:42:55.670 --> 00:42:59.190 and she started to cry and then like the people 00:42:59.190 --> 00:43:01.989 around like the cashier and like different other 00:43:01.989 --> 00:43:04.489 people they're all like oh and I was just like 00:43:04.489 --> 00:43:06.130 then I felt weird because I was like oh I didn't 00:43:06.130 --> 00:43:08.630 mean to like make you cry but that's beautiful 00:43:08.630 --> 00:43:11.389 and it was a nice moment she thanked me for saying 00:43:11.389 --> 00:43:13.530 that and I'm like of course like I felt like 00:43:13.530 --> 00:43:18.150 I had to like you know yeah so just doing that 00:43:18.150 --> 00:43:22.190 kind of stuff more I think is like that's what 00:43:22.190 --> 00:43:23.809 we're supposed to do instead of holding it in 00:43:23.809 --> 00:43:25.989 because when we hold it in that stuff gets stuck 00:43:25.989 --> 00:43:28.630 and I feel like mostly the regrets that I have 00:43:28.630 --> 00:43:31.710 are when I don't say things when I'm repeating 00:43:31.710 --> 00:43:34.010 stuff and I don't say it that's what I regret 00:43:34.010 --> 00:43:37.530 way more than just saying like hey this is random 00:43:37.530 --> 00:43:40.849 and I would just say whatever yeah those are 00:43:40.849 --> 00:43:43.090 my biggest regrets are the are the moments I 00:43:43.090 --> 00:43:45.369 didn't say something and I have a lot of regrets 00:43:46.590 --> 00:43:49.210 I don't hold myself, I don't put pressure on 00:43:49.210 --> 00:43:51.929 myself for this, but in middle school and high 00:43:51.929 --> 00:43:54.750 school, watching bullying happen and feeling 00:43:54.750 --> 00:43:58.130 like I couldn't do anything about it and not 00:43:58.130 --> 00:44:02.929 stepping in, but just holding on to that hate 00:44:02.929 --> 00:44:06.989 and holding on to that fear of that person as 00:44:06.989 --> 00:44:11.389 well and putting myself out there, I've felt 00:44:11.389 --> 00:44:15.889 regret on that end of the spectrum. i've it's 00:44:15.889 --> 00:44:18.969 funny because i would i'm so weird i just i'm 00:44:18.969 --> 00:44:21.309 all over the place like i normally am but uh 00:44:21.309 --> 00:44:24.070 i would either be bullying someone or i would 00:44:24.070 --> 00:44:26.030 be standing up for someone being bullied yeah 00:44:26.030 --> 00:44:28.550 like but either way i would say something i felt 00:44:28.550 --> 00:44:30.650 like i was pretty much always the person who 00:44:30.650 --> 00:44:33.230 would say what everyone else was thinking uh 00:44:33.230 --> 00:44:35.570 -huh but people wouldn't say it but i would say 00:44:35.570 --> 00:44:37.869 it sometimes i would get in trouble but like 00:44:37.869 --> 00:44:42.659 whatever i i did it um but I do feel bad sometimes. 00:44:43.019 --> 00:44:45.300 There's one thing in particular I feel bad about 00:44:45.300 --> 00:44:47.260 dumping mustard on someone that was not nice 00:44:47.260 --> 00:44:52.980 at all. It wasn't me. But I do remember a couple 00:44:52.980 --> 00:44:54.820 of times speaking up for people being bullied. 00:44:54.860 --> 00:44:57.260 One time in particular, seventh grade computer 00:44:57.260 --> 00:45:02.019 class, there was a student who stuttered and 00:45:02.019 --> 00:45:07.840 the teacher was like, spit it out already. While 00:45:07.840 --> 00:45:11.500 he was struggling to ask a question, all the 00:45:11.500 --> 00:45:14.460 other kids know this. We've gone to school with 00:45:14.460 --> 00:45:16.599 him. He's asking a question. He's starting to 00:45:16.599 --> 00:45:19.280 stutter. It's okay. We're all being patient. 00:45:19.460 --> 00:45:22.780 She says, spit it out already or something along 00:45:22.780 --> 00:45:25.900 those lines. And I was just absolutely disgusted. 00:45:26.360 --> 00:45:30.139 I was like, how dare you? Like, but she's a teacher. 00:45:30.260 --> 00:45:33.019 So if I was like, fuck you to a teacher, like, 00:45:33.139 --> 00:45:36.219 I mean, not that I wouldn't, I mean, I wouldn't 00:45:36.219 --> 00:45:39.320 put it past me, but you know, that's not how 00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:43.739 we want to be, but yeah. And then years later 00:45:43.739 --> 00:45:47.219 I reached out to him online actually. And I told 00:45:47.219 --> 00:45:49.760 him that I remembered that and how I felt so 00:45:49.760 --> 00:45:53.829 sorry that I didn't speak up. um because someone 00:45:53.829 --> 00:45:56.309 should have spoken up and how horrible that was 00:45:56.309 --> 00:45:59.050 and that i was very happy because he was coming 00:45:59.050 --> 00:46:02.389 out about how he overcame his stutter like he 00:46:02.389 --> 00:46:06.210 was uh like did interviews or was on a commercial 00:46:06.210 --> 00:46:08.110 or something along those lines and he shared 00:46:08.110 --> 00:46:10.809 it so i it was open to talk about and i sent 00:46:10.809 --> 00:46:12.630 him a message and i was like hey i just wanted 00:46:12.630 --> 00:46:15.449 to say i remember that vividly and she was a 00:46:15.449 --> 00:46:21.510 bitch yeah so yeah hindsight 2020 you know I 00:46:21.510 --> 00:46:26.250 mean we we hopefully take those things in our 00:46:26.250 --> 00:46:28.489 lives and we continue to progress now and and 00:46:28.489 --> 00:46:31.150 start to become those people that we were afraid 00:46:31.150 --> 00:46:34.630 of being back then yeah totally because what 00:46:34.630 --> 00:46:38.710 do we have to lose at this point nothing yeah 00:46:38.710 --> 00:46:41.590 we already almost lost our sense of self at one 00:46:41.590 --> 00:46:44.429 point so yeah yeah that was that was the most 00:46:44.429 --> 00:46:47.679 important thing to to hold on to yeah and it's 00:46:47.679 --> 00:46:49.840 important to also surround yourself with people 00:46:49.840 --> 00:46:54.119 who like want you to be your full self and support 00:46:54.119 --> 00:46:56.460 you and the things that you're doing because 00:46:56.460 --> 00:46:59.920 in for example in my circumstance there were 00:46:59.920 --> 00:47:02.639 times where like my ex would turn to me and be 00:47:02.639 --> 00:47:06.059 like you shouldn't you shouldn't say what you 00:47:06.059 --> 00:47:09.159 maybe you shouldn't say so much sometimes I see 00:47:09.159 --> 00:47:13.199 the way people look at you and I'm like like 00:47:13.199 --> 00:47:15.760 made me feel like self -conscious for being me. 00:47:15.940 --> 00:47:19.820 And I was like, it's not right, you know, but 00:47:19.820 --> 00:47:24.619 whatever. That's why, that's why they're an X, 00:47:24.760 --> 00:47:27.420 but that's, we just move on. We find different 00:47:27.420 --> 00:47:29.480 environments. If something's not comfortable, 00:47:29.659 --> 00:47:33.079 you know, just recognizing that and knowing that 00:47:33.079 --> 00:47:36.400 you deserve to be recognized and supported. And 00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:38.980 there are good people who want to hear what you 00:47:38.980 --> 00:47:42.250 have to say and think you have good ideas. if 00:47:42.250 --> 00:47:44.969 you're not around the right people right now, 00:47:44.989 --> 00:47:46.869 it doesn't mean that you can't be, you just might 00:47:46.869 --> 00:47:50.130 have to let some things go and it's, it's a tough 00:47:50.130 --> 00:47:52.949 transition, but it's always worth it on the other 00:47:52.949 --> 00:48:00.769 side. Absolutely. It is. Yeah. Yeah. So tell 00:48:00.769 --> 00:48:06.750 me, are you getting into this with one -on -one 00:48:06.750 --> 00:48:09.250 coaching or are you doing like group things? 00:48:11.179 --> 00:48:14.880 I am not, I'm not getting into coaching. So that 00:48:14.880 --> 00:48:19.460 is like, I've considered it. It's really, my 00:48:19.460 --> 00:48:21.900 gut is like, I don't want to coach. I don't want 00:48:21.900 --> 00:48:26.400 to learn to coach yet. Right now. I don't think 00:48:26.400 --> 00:48:30.590 you need to learn. Oh, okay. Yeah. I think that 00:48:30.590 --> 00:48:34.130 you could be. I'm getting strong coach vibes. 00:48:34.449 --> 00:48:38.670 Oh, good. You totally have one -on -one containers 00:48:38.670 --> 00:48:40.889 that people work with you for specific stuff, 00:48:41.030 --> 00:48:44.269 or are you not leaning in that direction? Currently 00:48:44.269 --> 00:48:46.130 not leaning in that direction. And that might 00:48:46.130 --> 00:48:49.230 just be due to limiting beliefs that I have. 00:48:49.389 --> 00:48:52.469 I'm really taking it one thing at a time. And 00:48:52.469 --> 00:48:56.550 with the speaking, that sort of came to me. And 00:48:56.550 --> 00:48:58.570 I realized just how much I loved the performance 00:48:58.570 --> 00:49:02.110 part of it, like as an actor or a former actor 00:49:02.110 --> 00:49:05.630 and as an athlete getting ready for the big game. 00:49:05.710 --> 00:49:08.429 It feels exactly the same. So it's like the best 00:49:08.429 --> 00:49:11.670 of both worlds for me. And I mean, I noticed 00:49:11.670 --> 00:49:14.769 that once I did a couple of talks and I was like, 00:49:14.849 --> 00:49:17.250 OK, I'm cold pitching all these people now and 00:49:17.250 --> 00:49:19.929 they're not responding. How do you how do you 00:49:19.929 --> 00:49:23.059 compete in the business of public speaking? And 00:49:23.059 --> 00:49:26.119 I'm now in a mastermind, an eight -week mastermind 00:49:26.119 --> 00:49:29.619 with Jen Gottlieb, who is a phenomenal speaker 00:49:29.619 --> 00:49:35.480 and business owner as well. And in this cohort, 00:49:35.619 --> 00:49:37.840 we're learning how to build out our keynotes 00:49:37.840 --> 00:49:42.239 with going from, for me, a 20 -minute talk to 00:49:42.239 --> 00:49:45.550 a framework that... sustains 45 minutes to an 00:49:45.550 --> 00:49:48.590 hour and aligning our messaging aligning our 00:49:48.590 --> 00:49:51.389 branding um you've seen more from the social 00:49:51.389 --> 00:49:54.449 media side for me because that's a really great 00:49:54.449 --> 00:49:57.929 modem for me to express myself and i love the 00:49:57.929 --> 00:50:00.929 art artfulness of doing it and i really love 00:50:00.929 --> 00:50:04.010 the challenge of like how do you go viral how 00:50:04.010 --> 00:50:08.909 do you how do you create your own space or community 00:50:08.909 --> 00:50:13.199 here um And obviously, I always have to be careful 00:50:13.199 --> 00:50:17.960 of not doing it for anything other than I want 00:50:17.960 --> 00:50:21.519 to inspire people versus, you know, it's very 00:50:21.519 --> 00:50:25.559 easy for me to fall back into the path of this 00:50:25.559 --> 00:50:28.699 achievement will make me feel loved, this achievement. 00:50:28.820 --> 00:50:31.960 So I'm always checking myself on that. But right 00:50:31.960 --> 00:50:35.760 now, it's more I want to get on stages. I want 00:50:35.760 --> 00:50:39.780 to talk. I want to. fail on the go and I want 00:50:39.780 --> 00:50:42.139 to learn how to just do it and get my hands dirty 00:50:42.139 --> 00:50:45.420 right now. So speaker fees is really all I'm 00:50:45.420 --> 00:50:50.099 selling right now. And speaker fees is not the 00:50:50.099 --> 00:50:52.599 be all end all. It's just I don't have a product 00:50:52.599 --> 00:50:54.800 to sell right now. So that's why I say I'm not 00:50:54.800 --> 00:50:57.579 a coach yet. That might be a path I go down. 00:50:57.619 --> 00:51:00.639 But while I'm working full time and with kids 00:51:00.639 --> 00:51:03.559 and building this speaking part of me as well. 00:51:05.070 --> 00:51:08.690 There's only so much that I feel I can give my 00:51:08.690 --> 00:51:11.570 complete attention to. Absolutely. And right 00:51:11.570 --> 00:51:15.610 now, this is a stage. This is like doing it raw, 00:51:15.809 --> 00:51:18.789 learning how to speak my message. So I'm so grateful 00:51:18.789 --> 00:51:22.130 for what you have given me in this moment. And 00:51:22.130 --> 00:51:25.130 now I have a podcast mic too. That was what a 00:51:25.130 --> 00:51:28.090 great excuse. Yeah, right? Yes, because you need 00:51:28.090 --> 00:51:30.409 that in your production. You need to like, you 00:51:30.409 --> 00:51:33.909 know, have the right tools. And it's, I'm so... 00:51:34.239 --> 00:51:36.579 proud that you're opening up that space opening 00:51:36.579 --> 00:51:40.179 up your your soul your mind and sharing it with 00:51:40.179 --> 00:51:42.659 people and inspiring others to do the same because 00:51:42.659 --> 00:51:45.940 we definitely need that uh we always have we 00:51:45.940 --> 00:51:49.179 always will um and right now especially and i'm 00:51:49.179 --> 00:51:52.000 i'm very thankful for that so i just want to 00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:56.800 express that yeah i'm i'm so proud of you for 00:51:56.800 --> 00:52:00.949 for doing the the podcast thing yeah thanks i 00:52:00.949 --> 00:52:02.469 don't even know what it's really going to be 00:52:02.469 --> 00:52:05.050 it's really just it's literally in my experience 00:52:05.050 --> 00:52:08.289 it's people that i know things that have happened 00:52:08.289 --> 00:52:11.309 things that you know different sometimes crazy 00:52:11.309 --> 00:52:13.610 experiences sometimes very grounded conversations 00:52:13.610 --> 00:52:16.210 like this for example was a very grounded conversation 00:52:16.210 --> 00:52:18.610 sometimes i'm talking about dragons and time 00:52:18.610 --> 00:52:22.949 time travel you know who knows but it's all part 00:52:22.949 --> 00:52:26.130 of the this world this thing we call life so 00:52:26.130 --> 00:52:31.619 yeah uh i i just i love having such a wide array 00:52:31.619 --> 00:52:35.019 of topics and you're inspiring me to become a 00:52:35.019 --> 00:52:38.380 more serious speaker i feel like i'm all over 00:52:38.380 --> 00:52:41.360 the place but i also uh smoked a joint a little 00:52:41.360 --> 00:52:44.179 bit earlier so kind of like oh there you go calm 00:52:44.179 --> 00:52:47.719 the nerves a little i do such things sometimes 00:52:47.719 --> 00:52:51.699 sometimes it just depends yeah uh but i guess 00:52:51.699 --> 00:52:55.679 we'll wrap it up for today and uh where can people 00:52:55.679 --> 00:52:58.280 find you online what what do you go by online 00:52:59.070 --> 00:53:03.309 So online, my Instagram is at certifiably creative, 00:53:03.650 --> 00:53:07.449 kind of like certifiably insane, but a little 00:53:07.449 --> 00:53:11.469 bit better for being creative. Yes, yes, I love 00:53:11.469 --> 00:53:14.630 it. But that's the number one sort of place you 00:53:14.630 --> 00:53:16.690 can find me right now where I'm posting my social 00:53:16.690 --> 00:53:20.289 media. I'm working on getting a page up for booking 00:53:20.289 --> 00:53:23.199 speaking gigs and things, but that will. probably 00:53:23.199 --> 00:53:26.119 be announced through my Instagram page. Yes. 00:53:26.179 --> 00:53:30.739 Yes. Follow Bobby on Instagram at certifiably 00:53:30.739 --> 00:53:35.280 creative. And I've seen some things. There's 00:53:35.280 --> 00:53:38.579 this one guy that talks, his name's Taylor and 00:53:38.579 --> 00:53:41.780 he, the one page that I watch him on, it's like 00:53:41.780 --> 00:53:45.119 explaining the man brain, but he has other things 00:53:45.119 --> 00:53:49.059 he talks about, but he. booked a TEDx talk and 00:53:49.059 --> 00:53:50.840 he's like this is what you need to do if you 00:53:50.840 --> 00:53:53.099 want to become a speaker or an authority this 00:53:53.099 --> 00:53:56.039 is uh people that you know book things for you 00:53:56.039 --> 00:53:58.199 to come and talk on all you have to do is book 00:53:58.199 --> 00:54:00.739 a TEDx talk and it's like yeah how do you do 00:54:00.739 --> 00:54:09.059 that sure thing can I fill out the form you will 00:54:09.059 --> 00:54:12.199 though you know what we'll do some we'll do some 00:54:12.199 --> 00:54:14.860 magic for that set that on your vision board 00:54:14.860 --> 00:54:17.650 and that you know That's a good one to, yeah, 00:54:17.769 --> 00:54:21.170 that's a good one to put on there. Yeah. Well, 00:54:21.210 --> 00:54:23.110 thank you so much for your time today, Bobby. 00:54:23.210 --> 00:54:25.909 I really appreciate it. And everyone check out 00:54:25.909 --> 00:54:29.590 Bobby, watch him grow. He's going places. So 00:54:29.590 --> 00:54:33.389 thank you so much. Thank you, Chrissy. It's been 00:54:33.389 --> 00:54:36.849 a pleasure. Yes. Take care. Take care. Thank 00:54:36.849 --> 00:54:41.010 you so much for being in this conversation with 00:54:41.010 --> 00:54:44.199 Bobby and me. What I love about what Bobby shared 00:54:44.199 --> 00:54:47.599 is that vulnerability is not a branding strategy. 00:54:48.059 --> 00:54:52.639 It's a practice. It's daily. It's sometimes inconvenient. 00:54:53.360 --> 00:54:56.659 And it is what it takes to make real leadership 00:54:56.659 --> 00:55:00.300 possible. If something in this episode opened 00:55:00.300 --> 00:55:02.679 you, softened you, or helped you name an experience 00:55:02.679 --> 00:55:05.239 you've been carrying, I would love to hear about 00:55:05.239 --> 00:55:09.340 it. You can connect with Bobby on Instagram at 00:55:09.340 --> 00:55:12.519 Certifiably Creative. to follow his speaking 00:55:12.519 --> 00:55:15.760 work and what he's building next. You can find 00:55:15.760 --> 00:55:18.360 me at Hyacinth Healing, where I offer spaces 00:55:18.360 --> 00:55:21.920 for integration, Akashic insight, and deep witnessing 00:55:21.920 --> 00:55:26.440 for people walking complex paths. If this episode 00:55:26.440 --> 00:55:28.559 felt important, share it with someone that you 00:55:28.559 --> 00:55:31.880 trust. We grow stronger together by telling the 00:55:31.880 --> 00:55:34.639 truth. I'll see you in the next one.