WEBVTT 00:00:00.750 --> 00:00:03.669 If you grew up in a small church, or even just 00:00:03.669 --> 00:00:06.190 a church that knew how to throw a really good 00:00:06.190 --> 00:00:09.130 potluck, you already know what I'm about to say. 00:00:10.050 --> 00:00:12.669 You knew who brought what long before anybody 00:00:12.669 --> 00:00:15.550 started using those labels. You'd spot a glass 00:00:15.550 --> 00:00:18.469 dish and think, yep, that's hers. I'm going to 00:00:18.469 --> 00:00:21.350 have some of that. You saw a particular crock 00:00:21.350 --> 00:00:23.570 pot and already knew what was under the lid. 00:00:24.670 --> 00:00:27.210 And you knew whose dessert was going to disappear 00:00:27.210 --> 00:00:29.989 before half the room made it through the line. 00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:34.259 And then there was usually at least one incredibly 00:00:34.259 --> 00:00:38.719 kind, faithful, genuinely wonderful saint who 00:00:38.719 --> 00:00:42.000 brought a dish every single time. And after years 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:45.759 of fellowship, shared prayer, deep love, and 00:00:45.759 --> 00:00:48.820 careful spiritual discernment, you had settled 00:00:48.820 --> 00:00:52.899 on one unmistakable conviction. You were not 00:00:52.899 --> 00:00:55.579 going to eat that. Not because you didn't love 00:00:55.579 --> 00:00:59.179 them. You loved them to pieces. You'd help them 00:00:59.179 --> 00:01:02.240 move. You'd sit with them in a hospital waiting 00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:04.939 room. You'd even help them wash that very dish 00:01:04.939 --> 00:01:07.760 afterwards. But whatever was happening inside 00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:11.019 that casserole, that was between them and the 00:01:11.019 --> 00:01:15.400 Lord. That's the funny thing about being around 00:01:15.400 --> 00:01:19.000 the same people over time. You learn them. You 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:22.680 learn what they bring, where they sit, who gets 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:24.879 there early, and who is still talking in the 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:27.099 parking lot after everybody else has gone home. 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:30.219 And eventually, You start learning more than 00:01:30.219 --> 00:01:34.040 habits. You start knowing people. You notice 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:36.519 when someone's laugh doesn't sound quite right. 00:01:37.019 --> 00:01:39.359 You notice when the loudest person in the room 00:01:39.359 --> 00:01:43.180 gets quiet. You notice when someone says, I'm 00:01:43.180 --> 00:01:47.879 good, but something in you says, no, you're really 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:52.920 not. That's family. Not because everybody is 00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:55.780 alike, not because everybody is best friends, 00:01:55.859 --> 00:01:58.120 and definitely not because everybody can cook. 00:01:58.989 --> 00:02:01.469 Family begins to form when people share enough 00:02:01.469 --> 00:02:04.549 real life that they actually begin to see one 00:02:04.549 --> 00:02:09.009 another. We use that word in church all the time. 00:02:09.530 --> 00:02:12.789 Our church family. We're one big happy family 00:02:12.789 --> 00:02:16.969 here. But today, I want to slow down and ask, 00:02:17.150 --> 00:02:21.050 do we actually mean that? Because according to 00:02:21.050 --> 00:02:24.430 scripture, being church family is a whole lot 00:02:24.430 --> 00:02:27.210 more demanding than knowing who brought the banana 00:02:27.210 --> 00:02:31.409 pudding. Welcome to Grace in the Grind, brought 00:02:31.409 --> 00:02:33.310 to you by Arrow & Roots Coffee Company, where 00:02:33.310 --> 00:02:36.270 faith meets the everyday. Here we take time to 00:02:36.270 --> 00:02:38.490 notice God's presence in the middle of life's 00:02:38.490 --> 00:02:41.889 busiest moments, to find encouragement, clarity, 00:02:42.169 --> 00:02:45.310 and a reminder of His grace right in the grind 00:02:45.310 --> 00:02:48.310 of daily life. So grab your coffee, and let's 00:02:48.310 --> 00:02:54.110 take a sip of this cup together. Last cup, we 00:02:54.110 --> 00:02:58.050 leaned into a heavy question. Can a growing flock, 00:02:58.330 --> 00:03:02.250 still truly be known. We talked about the calling 00:03:02.250 --> 00:03:05.430 of shepherds to care for actual human souls and 00:03:05.430 --> 00:03:08.430 how easily sheep can slowly become statistics. 00:03:09.289 --> 00:03:12.250 Then in the extra shot, we spent time in Acts 00:03:12.250 --> 00:03:15.210 6 and Ephesians 4 confronting another assumption. 00:03:16.090 --> 00:03:18.770 Pastors were never called to personally perform 00:03:18.770 --> 00:03:22.569 every act of ministry in the church. Leaders 00:03:22.569 --> 00:03:25.889 equip. Saints minister. The body builds itself 00:03:25.889 --> 00:03:29.879 up as each part works. Which leaves us with the 00:03:29.879 --> 00:03:33.259 next obvious question. If pastors aren't supposed 00:03:33.259 --> 00:03:36.939 to carry every relationship, if real care isn't 00:03:36.939 --> 00:03:39.020 meant to be funneled through a tiny group of 00:03:39.020 --> 00:03:42.060 professionals, then what are the rest of us supposed 00:03:42.060 --> 00:03:46.740 to be to one another? Paul gives us an answer 00:03:46.740 --> 00:03:52.680 in Ephesians chapter 2. Family. Members of God's 00:03:52.680 --> 00:03:56.479 household. And that's where we're headed today. 00:03:57.319 --> 00:03:59.759 Not towards some greeting card version of church 00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:01.939 where everybody smiles and passes casseroles. 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:05.020 I want us to look at the actual responsibility 00:04:05.020 --> 00:04:09.360 of living as the family Christ has created. Because 00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:13.719 you can outsource a service. You cannot outsource 00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:18.180 being a family. Ephesians 2 .19 says, You are 00:04:18.180 --> 00:04:23.139 no longer strangers and aliens, but members of 00:04:23.139 --> 00:04:26.860 the household of God. If you pull that sentence 00:04:26.860 --> 00:04:29.759 off the page by itself, it sounds like a warm 00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:32.600 welcome on a church lobby wall. We're family. 00:04:32.740 --> 00:04:36.740 That's nice. But Paul's context is much stronger 00:04:36.740 --> 00:04:40.660 than that. He's talking about Jews and Gentiles. 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:45.439 People separated by history, by culture, religious 00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:51.259 backgrounds, practices, and real hostility. And 00:04:51.259 --> 00:04:55.699 Paul says Christ has reconciled them. He has 00:04:55.699 --> 00:04:58.639 broken down the dividing wall. He's made peace. 00:04:59.360 --> 00:05:02.879 And now people who once stood far apart belong 00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:06.839 to the same household. So when Scripture calls 00:05:06.839 --> 00:05:11.160 the church a family, it isn't saying find people 00:05:11.160 --> 00:05:15.000 you naturally like and get really close. The 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:18.579 gospel does something far more disruptive. Christ 00:05:18.579 --> 00:05:20.939 takes people who might never have chosen one 00:05:20.939 --> 00:05:25.139 another and makes them family. That changes the 00:05:25.139 --> 00:05:28.319 way we think about belonging. Because our culture 00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:31.860 trains us to curate almost everything. Our music, 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:35.939 our news, our social media feeds, even our relationships. 00:05:36.439 --> 00:05:39.800 And without realizing it, we can approach the 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:43.079 church the same way. I want people to understand 00:05:43.079 --> 00:05:48.040 me. People in my stage of life. People with similar 00:05:48.040 --> 00:05:51.600 interests. Similar backgrounds. Similar priorities. 00:05:51.980 --> 00:05:55.870 Similar opinions. And having close friends who 00:05:55.870 --> 00:05:59.170 understand your circumstances is a gift. There's 00:05:59.170 --> 00:06:02.170 nothing wrong with that. But the church is not 00:06:02.170 --> 00:06:06.730 ultimately the community I curate. It is the 00:06:06.730 --> 00:06:11.370 family Christ gave me. I can see this pretty 00:06:11.370 --> 00:06:14.129 easily in my own family. My dad and I have a 00:06:14.129 --> 00:06:17.410 lot in common. And I'll tell you something I've 00:06:17.410 --> 00:06:19.930 learned. Some of the qualities I share with my 00:06:19.930 --> 00:06:23.939 dad are also the qualities in him that can absolutely 00:06:23.939 --> 00:06:27.959 drive me up the wall, which probably says more 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:31.519 about me than I'd like to admit here. My mom 00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:34.399 is different. She doesn't really want to tell 00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:37.360 everybody what she wants or what she needs. She 00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:40.579 wants everybody to just be happy. Meanwhile, 00:06:40.680 --> 00:06:42.819 some of us are standing there saying, okay, mom, 00:06:42.980 --> 00:06:45.800 what do you actually want? What would make you 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:50.939 happy? My sister and I get along great, but we're 00:06:50.939 --> 00:06:54.100 wired differently. And don't share all the same 00:06:54.100 --> 00:06:57.959 interests. We're family. We're different people. 00:06:58.379 --> 00:07:01.500 And I didn't get to interview any of them before 00:07:01.500 --> 00:07:04.680 they became part of my family. God placed them 00:07:04.680 --> 00:07:08.379 in my life. And healthy families don't become 00:07:08.379 --> 00:07:11.279 healthy because everybody performs the same function. 00:07:11.699 --> 00:07:14.639 They become healthy when different people learn 00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:18.920 to love and serve one another faithfully. That 00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:22.139 should sound familiar. Because scripture describes 00:07:22.139 --> 00:07:25.480 the body of Christ the same way. Different gifts, 00:07:25.620 --> 00:07:29.240 different functions, different people. One body. 00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:32.600 And that means one of the worst things I could 00:07:32.600 --> 00:07:35.920 probably do spiritually is surround myself entirely 00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:38.639 with people who are basically another version 00:07:38.639 --> 00:07:44.240 of me. One of me is already plenty. And this 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:46.959 is where I think the modern church needs to examine 00:07:46.959 --> 00:07:50.519 something honestly. We have gotten really good 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:54.899 at organizing people around similarity. Teenagers, 00:07:55.040 --> 00:07:58.660 they go up in youth. College students, they're 00:07:58.660 --> 00:08:00.819 in the college ministry. Young adults with the 00:08:00.819 --> 00:08:03.300 young adults. Singles with singles. Young parents 00:08:03.300 --> 00:08:05.740 with young parents. Men get their study. Women 00:08:05.740 --> 00:08:08.439 get their study. Senior adults, they get their 00:08:08.439 --> 00:08:13.019 own as well. Now let me be very clear. None of 00:08:13.019 --> 00:08:16.920 those ministries are inherently wrong. Men need 00:08:16.920 --> 00:08:20.139 to walk alongside other men in faith. Women need 00:08:20.139 --> 00:08:23.720 to walk alongside other women. Teenagers need 00:08:23.720 --> 00:08:27.839 focused discipleship. Young parents benefit from 00:08:27.839 --> 00:08:30.500 walking with people who understand that season 00:08:30.500 --> 00:08:34.799 and are young enough to remember it. Those ministries 00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:38.659 can serve the whole body. The danger comes when 00:08:38.659 --> 00:08:41.100 we ask them to carry the weight of the whole 00:08:41.100 --> 00:08:45.379 body. Affinity groups can serve the body. They 00:08:45.379 --> 00:08:47.279 make terrible substitutes for the body, though, 00:08:47.320 --> 00:08:50.240 because a 15 -year -old cannot get everything 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:53.120 he needs spiritually from another 15 -year -old. 00:08:53.379 --> 00:08:56.639 Young parents cannot prepare one another for 00:08:56.639 --> 00:09:00.019 every season none of them has reached yet. Older 00:09:00.019 --> 00:09:02.740 believers still need the questions, perspectives, 00:09:03.259 --> 00:09:07.460 energy, and gifts of younger believers. Every 00:09:07.460 --> 00:09:10.600 generation has something to give, and every generation 00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:14.220 has something to receive. So if everybody around 00:09:14.220 --> 00:09:18.580 me is my age, in my stage of life, raising kids 00:09:18.580 --> 00:09:21.600 roughly the way I am, facing the same problems, 00:09:21.740 --> 00:09:23.960 and looking at the world from roughly the same 00:09:23.960 --> 00:09:26.940 angle, I may have built a very comfortable group. 00:09:27.480 --> 00:09:29.779 But I haven't experienced the fullness of the 00:09:29.779 --> 00:09:34.919 body. And comfort has a downside. If everybody 00:09:34.919 --> 00:09:38.379 around me sees everything the way I do, I'm probably 00:09:38.379 --> 00:09:43.720 not getting sharpened much. being echoed. Proverbs 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:47.259 says, iron sharpens iron. An iron sharpening 00:09:47.259 --> 00:09:50.899 iron requires contact, resistance, and friction. 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:55.700 Not sinful conflict, not endless arguments, but 00:09:55.700 --> 00:09:58.740 enough difference that somebody else can see 00:09:58.740 --> 00:10:03.820 what I cannot see from where I stand. I've seen 00:10:03.820 --> 00:10:05.919 the value of that in the Sunday morning class 00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:07.840 that I've been a part of for more than 12 years 00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:11.299 now. And I realized the other day, that I've 00:10:11.299 --> 00:10:15.500 taught it for more than seven. We've had teenagers 00:10:15.500 --> 00:10:18.600 and retirees, people with no formal ministry 00:10:18.600 --> 00:10:22.500 training, and people with advanced degrees. Singles, 00:10:22.500 --> 00:10:26.360 newlyweds, parents with young children, parents 00:10:26.360 --> 00:10:29.899 with grown children, and grandparents. And those 00:10:29.899 --> 00:10:33.000 differences are great. Our older members can 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:35.399 talk about marriage after the kids leave home. 00:10:35.899 --> 00:10:38.700 Caring for aging parents, supporting adult children. 00:10:39.210 --> 00:10:43.649 Watching seasons change. And our younger members 00:10:43.649 --> 00:10:47.250 bring things to the room too. They often understand 00:10:47.250 --> 00:10:49.350 cultural conversations that some of the rest 00:10:49.350 --> 00:10:53.370 of us only see from the outside. They can help 00:10:53.370 --> 00:10:55.789 us understand what is actually happening around 00:10:55.789 --> 00:10:58.929 younger generations. Sometimes they can expose 00:10:58.929 --> 00:11:02.509 a cultural idea that looks harmless until you 00:11:02.509 --> 00:11:06.289 understand the worldview underneath it. And sometimes... 00:11:06.639 --> 00:11:08.500 They helped the rest of us approach people with 00:11:08.500 --> 00:11:12.379 more empathy and wisdom. A few years ago, we 00:11:12.379 --> 00:11:15.960 were studying marriage. In one room, we had single 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:19.799 people, newly married people, and couples who 00:11:19.799 --> 00:11:22.700 had been together for, well, a very long time. 00:11:23.879 --> 00:11:26.860 And the conversation exposed something some of 00:11:26.860 --> 00:11:30.220 the married people needed to hear. We can talk 00:11:30.220 --> 00:11:32.500 about singleness in a way that makes it sound 00:11:32.500 --> 00:11:35.559 like brokenness, waiting for marriage to repair 00:11:35.559 --> 00:11:39.700 it. That changed the conversation. Married people 00:11:39.700 --> 00:11:41.840 had to rethink how we talk about singleness. 00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:45.980 Younger couples learned from people further down 00:11:45.980 --> 00:11:48.840 the road. And older couples gained perspective 00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:51.799 on pressures younger believers were navigating. 00:11:52.759 --> 00:11:56.720 Nobody in that room had the whole toolbox. Together, 00:11:56.820 --> 00:11:59.940 there were tools available that none of us possessed 00:11:59.940 --> 00:12:04.019 individually. That's why I don't want a church 00:12:04.019 --> 00:12:07.269 made entirely of people like me. People unlike 00:12:07.269 --> 00:12:10.149 me carry experience I don't have, perspectives 00:12:10.149 --> 00:12:14.590 I haven't considered, wisdom God may intend to 00:12:14.590 --> 00:12:20.450 use in my life. Years ago, I worked in a ministry 00:12:20.450 --> 00:12:23.370 with an older man who, especially at that point 00:12:23.370 --> 00:12:26.149 in my life, is probably not somebody I would 00:12:26.149 --> 00:12:29.110 have naturally selected as a close friend. We 00:12:29.110 --> 00:12:33.700 were very different. He was serious, rigid. and 00:12:33.700 --> 00:12:36.419 had little interest in a lot of things that I 00:12:36.419 --> 00:12:40.000 enjoyed. There were sports and games that I loved, 00:12:40.100 --> 00:12:43.799 that he pretty much considered not just questionable, 00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:47.399 but a complete waste of time. And competition 00:12:47.399 --> 00:12:51.879 was what I enjoyed doing with my downtime. We 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:54.500 did not agree about everything, and in fact, 00:12:54.500 --> 00:12:57.679 we often didn't agree about much. But this man 00:12:57.679 --> 00:13:01.220 lived in Proverbs. He encouraged people to read 00:13:01.220 --> 00:13:04.100 a chapter of Proverbs every day. And his basic 00:13:04.100 --> 00:13:08.179 point was this. If you ever read a chapter and 00:13:08.179 --> 00:13:10.960 decide there's nothing there for you that day, 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:14.179 you probably need to humble yourself and reread 00:13:14.179 --> 00:13:19.080 that chapter again. That's just the attitude 00:13:19.080 --> 00:13:22.360 he had about it. And here's the funny thing. 00:13:22.460 --> 00:13:25.320 Years later, I still think about the things that 00:13:25.320 --> 00:13:29.279 that man said and the faith he modeled almost 00:13:29.279 --> 00:13:33.440 every day. He left tools in my toolbox. I didn't 00:13:33.440 --> 00:13:35.779 have to agree with everything about him for God 00:13:35.779 --> 00:13:39.419 to use him to shape me. And I wonder sometimes, 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:42.580 if I'd surrounded myself with people I naturally 00:13:42.580 --> 00:13:45.960 preferred, how much irritation might I have avoided? 00:13:47.120 --> 00:13:50.860 Probably quite a bit. But how much wisdom would 00:13:50.860 --> 00:13:55.159 I have avoided with it? Church family isn't the 00:13:55.159 --> 00:13:58.559 social circle you curate. It's the people Christ 00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:02.200 gave you to love. And sometimes he puts wisdom 00:14:02.590 --> 00:14:05.529 in people. We would have filtered out before 00:14:05.529 --> 00:14:09.049 the relationship even started. Then you start 00:14:09.049 --> 00:14:11.190 reading through the New Testament, and this family 00:14:11.190 --> 00:14:14.929 language becomes practical very quick. Love one 00:14:14.929 --> 00:14:18.190 another. Honor one another. Encourage one another. 00:14:18.730 --> 00:14:22.789 Bear with one another. Forgive one another. Carry 00:14:22.789 --> 00:14:26.470 one another's burdens. Romans 12 tells believers 00:14:26.470 --> 00:14:30.309 to love genuinely, show honor, practice hospitality. 00:14:31.070 --> 00:14:34.669 rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with 00:14:34.669 --> 00:14:38.509 those who weep. Colossians 3 talks about compassion, 00:14:38.789 --> 00:14:42.429 kindness, humility, patience, forgiveness, and 00:14:42.429 --> 00:14:46.529 love. Hebrews 10 tells us to consider one another 00:14:46.529 --> 00:14:50.269 so that we can stir each other towards love and 00:14:50.269 --> 00:14:54.250 good works. You cannot obey those commands from 00:14:54.250 --> 00:14:57.590 a safe distance. The one another commands only 00:14:57.590 --> 00:14:59.570 work when we get close enough to one another. 00:15:00.090 --> 00:15:04.190 For them to cost something. Friendliness is easy. 00:15:04.570 --> 00:15:06.769 You can shake my hand in the lobby and be friendly. 00:15:07.049 --> 00:15:09.870 You can say, I'll be praying for you and be friendly. 00:15:10.570 --> 00:15:13.809 Family eventually becomes inconvenient. Family 00:15:13.809 --> 00:15:17.029 notices absence. Family stays five minutes longer. 00:15:17.250 --> 00:15:20.490 Family opens the house. Family brings the meal, 00:15:20.629 --> 00:15:23.769 tells the truth, forgives. And family says, hey, 00:15:23.850 --> 00:15:26.610 this doesn't seem like you. What's going on? 00:15:28.009 --> 00:15:30.750 And that leads directly into one of the commands 00:15:30.750 --> 00:15:35.190 I personally find difficult. Galatians 6 says, 00:15:35.370 --> 00:15:38.850 bear one another's burdens. And if I'm being 00:15:38.850 --> 00:15:41.549 honest, that verse confronts me from both directions. 00:15:42.129 --> 00:15:44.509 I don't really mind carrying some of your burdens. 00:15:45.470 --> 00:15:49.870 Some of them. There are also a few of yours that, 00:15:49.950 --> 00:15:53.970 if we're being completely honest, I'm not positive 00:15:53.970 --> 00:15:56.970 I want to carry. But the direction I struggle 00:15:56.970 --> 00:16:00.669 with even more is the other one. I want to carry 00:16:00.669 --> 00:16:05.370 all of my burdens myself. I would rather help 00:16:05.370 --> 00:16:08.789 you than need you. I would rather be available 00:16:08.789 --> 00:16:12.450 than admit that I'm overwhelmed. I would rather 00:16:12.450 --> 00:16:15.149 be the person somebody calls than the person 00:16:15.149 --> 00:16:20.149 who has to make the call. And that can look strong 00:16:20.149 --> 00:16:24.190 and responsible until you realize it makes Galatians 00:16:24.190 --> 00:16:28.500 6 impossible because bear one another's burdens 00:16:28.500 --> 00:16:33.000 requires two uncomfortable realities. Sometimes 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:39.039 you need me and sometimes I have to admit I need 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:43.740 you. I think a lot of us want Christian community 00:16:43.740 --> 00:16:47.559 right up until community requires us to need 00:16:47.559 --> 00:16:51.799 somebody or requires somebody else to need us 00:16:51.799 --> 00:16:55.759 at an inconvenient time. And yet, that's exactly 00:16:55.759 --> 00:17:00.840 where the command lives. I had a great aunt named 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:04.420 Lorene. For a long time, she sat in the row directly 00:17:04.420 --> 00:17:06.960 in front of us at church. Then eventually, we 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:10.099 shifted rows because, you know, everybody had 00:17:10.099 --> 00:17:13.940 their normal seats. You could call them unassigned 00:17:13.940 --> 00:17:17.319 if you wanted. Everybody knew exactly where they 00:17:17.319 --> 00:17:19.680 were supposed to sit and where they were assigned. 00:17:21.680 --> 00:17:24.599 Lorene and I had some things in common. Even 00:17:24.599 --> 00:17:27.180 when she was trying to be delicate, she could 00:17:27.180 --> 00:17:30.200 be pretty direct. She had high expectations, 00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:34.440 and at times she could probably come across as 00:17:34.440 --> 00:17:38.420 a little judgmental, but she paid attention to 00:17:38.420 --> 00:17:41.359 people. I remember being home from college one 00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:44.359 Sunday. I had a huge load of classes that semester, 00:17:44.500 --> 00:17:46.920 and I think I had a big kinesiology test coming 00:17:46.920 --> 00:17:51.539 up. I was stressed, and Lorraine noticed. She 00:17:51.539 --> 00:17:54.349 didn't just ask how classes were going. And in 00:17:54.349 --> 00:17:56.650 fact, I don't even remember her really asking 00:17:56.650 --> 00:18:00.549 about class. She just had a way of asking questions 00:18:00.549 --> 00:18:02.869 sometimes that eventually got beneath what was 00:18:02.869 --> 00:18:06.910 actually happening. And into, you know, what 00:18:06.910 --> 00:18:10.890 was actually going on. And once she realized 00:18:10.890 --> 00:18:14.529 that I was stressed, here's what she did. She 00:18:14.529 --> 00:18:18.109 didn't lecture me about studying harder. She 00:18:18.109 --> 00:18:20.069 didn't tell me that I needed better time management. 00:18:21.190 --> 00:18:25.880 She handed me $20. And basically told me, go 00:18:25.880 --> 00:18:27.900 spend it on something that you don't need and 00:18:27.900 --> 00:18:33.859 relax a little. Funny thing is, that wasn't Lorraine. 00:18:35.819 --> 00:18:40.660 I remember it. She didn't fix the test or reduce 00:18:40.660 --> 00:18:45.119 the workload. She acted outside of her flesh 00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:51.019 and acted in Christ. She noticed it. Sometimes 00:18:51.019 --> 00:18:54.180 bearing a burden doesn't mean fixing it. Sometimes 00:18:54.180 --> 00:18:58.559 it starts with knowing somebody well, or at least 00:18:58.559 --> 00:19:02.640 well enough to notice their pack is heavy. Lorraine 00:19:02.640 --> 00:19:05.599 wasn't my pastor. I didn't schedule an appointment 00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:08.400 with her. It was one member of the household 00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:12.339 knowing another member of the household. That's 00:19:12.339 --> 00:19:15.660 what we're talking about. And this brings us 00:19:15.660 --> 00:19:18.539 back to the point we've been building. Your pastor 00:19:18.539 --> 00:19:21.839 matters, and your elders matter. We'll spend 00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:24.319 the next cup talking directly about the particular 00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:28.140 responsibility Christ gives shepherds. But if 00:19:28.140 --> 00:19:30.720 all meaningful spiritual care in the church has 00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:33.359 to flow through the pastor, something is wrong. 00:19:33.900 --> 00:19:36.359 Your pastor should not be the only person who 00:19:36.359 --> 00:19:38.819 knows your marriage is struggling. He should 00:19:38.819 --> 00:19:41.680 not be the only person who notices when you disappear. 00:19:42.380 --> 00:19:45.039 And he should not be the only believer who can 00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:48.339 open scripture, pray with you, or sit with you 00:19:48.339 --> 00:19:52.160 when life hurts. I need to stop expecting my 00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.920 pastor to provide what Christ commands the whole 00:19:54.920 --> 00:19:58.559 body to provide. That's not lowering the responsibility 00:19:58.559 --> 00:20:01.799 of shepherds. It's recovering the responsibility 00:20:01.799 --> 00:20:05.299 of the saints. The New Testament does not give 00:20:05.299 --> 00:20:08.599 us one minister and a room full of clients. It 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:12.220 gives us a body, a household, brothers and sisters, 00:20:12.420 --> 00:20:17.359 a network of ordinary care. And that's part of 00:20:17.359 --> 00:20:21.299 why this matters so much as churches grow. Church 00:20:21.299 --> 00:20:24.900 software can track attendance. It can't sit across 00:20:24.900 --> 00:20:26.859 the table and say, you've told me you're fine 00:20:26.859 --> 00:20:30.440 three times now. What's actually going on? People 00:20:30.440 --> 00:20:34.160 do that. The body does that. Family does that. 00:20:35.420 --> 00:20:38.019 And now I need to turn this back towards myself. 00:20:39.180 --> 00:20:41.839 Because it's easy to say the church should have 00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:46.460 known people better. It's harder to admit. Sometimes 00:20:46.460 --> 00:20:49.339 I've worked pretty hard at making sure people 00:20:49.339 --> 00:20:52.609 couldn't know me. There was a season when I was 00:20:52.609 --> 00:20:56.150 working in public education where I became so 00:20:56.150 --> 00:21:00.349 busy with everything, school and everything connected 00:21:00.349 --> 00:21:02.750 to it, that I struggled to invest in the people 00:21:02.750 --> 00:21:05.630 around me at church. I was blessed to have a 00:21:05.630 --> 00:21:08.890 few people who kept pushing. They didn't let 00:21:08.890 --> 00:21:12.170 me completely check out. But everything in me 00:21:12.170 --> 00:21:15.670 wanted to hide and just check the box. Show up, 00:21:15.670 --> 00:21:18.910 be polite, go home, repeat. And I've had other 00:21:18.910 --> 00:21:22.170 seasons where... Something significant was happening, 00:21:22.309 --> 00:21:25.630 and I intentionally didn't let many people into 00:21:25.630 --> 00:21:31.029 it. In my early 20s, I was engaged. That relationship 00:21:31.029 --> 00:21:34.750 ended. We did not get married. Looking back, 00:21:34.769 --> 00:21:37.190 I genuinely believe God intervened for both of 00:21:37.190 --> 00:21:41.410 us, and I sincerely wish the best for her. But 00:21:41.410 --> 00:21:44.690 at the time, almost nobody in the church knew 00:21:44.690 --> 00:21:49.390 much about what was happening or how I was dealing 00:21:49.390 --> 00:21:53.849 with it. Because I didn't talk about it. I wasn't 00:21:53.849 --> 00:21:57.130 angry at the church. I didn't think nobody cared. 00:21:57.930 --> 00:22:01.170 I didn't want people choosing sides and I didn't 00:22:01.170 --> 00:22:04.349 have the emotional bandwidth to process everybody 00:22:04.349 --> 00:22:07.750 else's opinions while I was trying to process 00:22:07.750 --> 00:22:12.690 my own. Those reasons made sense to me. Some 00:22:12.690 --> 00:22:16.630 of them still do. But another truth is also sitting 00:22:16.630 --> 00:22:20.880 there. People cannot help carry a burden they 00:22:20.880 --> 00:22:23.940 don't know exists. That doesn't mean everybody 00:22:23.940 --> 00:22:27.640 needs to know. They don't, but somebody should. 00:22:29.059 --> 00:22:33.279 There needs to be trusted believers in your congregation 00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:37.039 who know your struggles, your wins, the places 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:39.140 you're tired, and the places you're tempted. 00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:44.140 People you can be vulnerable with, even when 00:22:44.140 --> 00:22:47.380 it isn't comfortable, because you know they love 00:22:47.380 --> 00:22:51.960 you. and we'll point you back to Scripture. We 00:22:51.960 --> 00:22:55.160 cannot expect the body to carry, but we refuse 00:22:55.160 --> 00:23:00.920 to let it see. Being known does not mean everybody 00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:04.200 gets access to every detail of your life. Scripture 00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:06.720 does not require every relationship in the church 00:23:06.720 --> 00:23:09.720 to have the same depth. Healthy boundaries matter. 00:23:11.140 --> 00:23:13.859 And family language never excuses manipulation, 00:23:14.460 --> 00:23:19.960 abuse, or secrecy. What it means is much simpler. 00:23:21.420 --> 00:23:24.619 Enough trusted people knowing enough about me 00:23:24.619 --> 00:23:27.700 to recognize when something's off, before everything 00:23:27.700 --> 00:23:30.660 goes off the rails. That's not surveillance. 00:23:31.059 --> 00:23:35.440 That's relationship. I've seen what can happen 00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:39.359 when hurt stays hidden too long. A friend of 00:23:39.359 --> 00:23:41.880 mine carried hurt over decisions and interactions 00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:46.579 in a church for months. Questions stayed unanswered. 00:23:46.920 --> 00:23:50.000 And hurt kept stacking up. By the time everything 00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:52.980 finally came into the light, the mountain had 00:23:52.980 --> 00:23:56.099 become enormous. And I still wonder whether things 00:23:56.099 --> 00:23:58.980 might have looked different if the conversations 00:23:58.980 --> 00:24:02.759 had started while the hurt was still small. Not 00:24:02.759 --> 00:24:07.740 accusations. Not gossip. Just, hey, this hurt. 00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:11.900 Help me understand. Maybe some things would have 00:24:11.900 --> 00:24:14.640 been explained. Maybe some things would have 00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:18.940 changed. Maybe the outcome would have still been 00:24:18.940 --> 00:24:25.460 the same. I don't know. But I do know this. Healthy 00:24:25.460 --> 00:24:28.319 families don't wait until resentment is fully 00:24:28.319 --> 00:24:31.259 grown before admitting there's a wound. We'll 00:24:31.259 --> 00:24:34.339 go much deeper into that in our extra shot. And 00:24:34.339 --> 00:24:37.660 that's really the piece we can't miss. The church 00:24:37.660 --> 00:24:39.779 doesn't become family because everybody gets 00:24:39.779 --> 00:24:43.880 along effortlessly. Families are difficult precisely 00:24:43.880 --> 00:24:47.019 because... People are different, and they stay 00:24:47.019 --> 00:24:49.559 close enough for those differences to matter. 00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:53.740 We're going to frustrate one another, misunderstand 00:24:53.740 --> 00:24:57.400 one another, disappoint one another, need forgiveness, 00:24:57.579 --> 00:25:00.619 give forgiveness, have conversations we'd rather 00:25:00.619 --> 00:25:04.180 avoid. And that's why the goal of church family 00:25:04.180 --> 00:25:08.160 cannot simply be comfort. If comfort is the goal, 00:25:08.339 --> 00:25:11.720 affinity will almost always win. Find people 00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:14.900 like me. Stay with people like me. Avoid people 00:25:14.900 --> 00:25:18.240 who challenge me and call the absence of friction 00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:23.740 unity. But biblical unity isn't sameness. Christ 00:25:23.740 --> 00:25:27.299 does not save us into an echo chamber. He reconciles 00:25:27.299 --> 00:25:31.900 a people. Sometimes, one of the ways God grows 00:25:31.900 --> 00:25:34.880 me is by giving me someone I would have never 00:25:34.880 --> 00:25:38.920 chosen. So what do we actually do with all of 00:25:38.920 --> 00:25:42.859 this? I don't think the answer is to walk into 00:25:42.859 --> 00:25:45.259 church Sunday and tell the first six people you 00:25:45.259 --> 00:25:49.380 meet every unresolved issue in your life. Please, 00:25:49.400 --> 00:25:53.319 don't blame this podcast for that. Depth develops 00:25:53.319 --> 00:25:56.779 over time, so start somewhere. A Sunday school 00:25:56.779 --> 00:25:59.900 class, Bible study, ministry team, small group, 00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:02.799 somewhere you see the same people often enough 00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.839 for how are you to eventually become a real question. 00:26:07.740 --> 00:26:12.119 Learn names, learn stories, Stay around. Ask 00:26:12.119 --> 00:26:14.740 another question. Let somebody ask you another 00:26:14.740 --> 00:26:18.339 question. And over time, allow some of those 00:26:18.339 --> 00:26:22.140 relationships to deepen. But don't only ask who 00:26:22.140 --> 00:26:26.079 knows me. Ask, who am I learning well enough 00:26:26.079 --> 00:26:32.380 to notice? Whose absence would I recognize? Who 00:26:32.380 --> 00:26:35.059 seems quieter lately? Who's carrying something 00:26:35.059 --> 00:26:40.019 heavy? Who had a win we should celebrate? Who 00:26:40.019 --> 00:26:42.859 could actually call me if something went wrong? 00:26:44.420 --> 00:26:47.839 I need to work on that too. There have been many 00:26:47.839 --> 00:26:50.079 people over the years who knew they could call 00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:54.279 me. Some are still close. Others are more distant. 00:26:55.180 --> 00:26:57.660 And I want to do a better job of reminding people 00:26:57.660 --> 00:27:01.359 that the availability is still there. Because 00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:03.960 being busy is nothing to brag about if the people 00:27:03.960 --> 00:27:07.359 God gave us quietly conclude we're too busy to 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:10.980 need. And before we close, I want to make sure 00:27:10.980 --> 00:27:13.640 we don't turn this into another list of ways 00:27:13.640 --> 00:27:16.759 Christians need to try harder. Because Ephesians 00:27:16.759 --> 00:27:20.200 2 doesn't begin with become a better family. 00:27:20.960 --> 00:27:24.740 It begins with what Christ has done. He made 00:27:24.740 --> 00:27:28.700 peace. He reconciled. He brought near people 00:27:28.700 --> 00:27:34.039 who were far off. He created one household. Our 00:27:34.039 --> 00:27:36.559 love for one another is not what creates the 00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:40.839 gospel. The gospel creates a people who are now 00:27:40.839 --> 00:27:44.599 learning how to love one another. And when we 00:27:44.599 --> 00:27:48.799 fail at this, and we will, we go back to Christ. 00:27:49.299 --> 00:27:54.220 We repent where pride has us hide. Where selfishness 00:27:54.220 --> 00:27:57.779 has made us avoid inconvenience. Where we only 00:27:57.779 --> 00:28:01.099 wanted people like us. Where we expected leaders 00:28:01.099 --> 00:28:03.460 to carry what all of us were commanded to carry. 00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:07.779 And then we receive grace again. Because Jesus 00:28:07.779 --> 00:28:10.140 is not merely teaching us to build community. 00:28:10.980 --> 00:28:15.259 He has made us his people. Now, he is teaching 00:28:15.259 --> 00:28:19.420 us how to live like it. I keep thinking about 00:28:19.420 --> 00:28:22.680 those church potlucks. Knowing whose dish was 00:28:22.680 --> 00:28:26.240 whose. Knowing who sat where. Knowing the personalities 00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:30.480 in the room. Those things can seem small. But 00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:34.019 beneath them was something that mattered. It 00:28:34.019 --> 00:28:38.509 was a shared life. Shared life is what lets a 00:28:38.509 --> 00:28:42.509 Lorraine notice a stressed college kid before 00:28:42.509 --> 00:28:46.190 he ever says much at all. It lets an older believer 00:28:46.190 --> 00:28:48.930 prepare a younger one for a season they haven't 00:28:48.930 --> 00:28:51.950 reached yet. It lets a struggling believer finally 00:28:51.950 --> 00:28:56.269 say, I'm not good. And hear a brother or sister 00:28:56.269 --> 00:28:59.089 answer, okay, then let's carry this together. 00:29:00.329 --> 00:29:03.109 That's the family Christ is building, not a room 00:29:03.109 --> 00:29:05.799 full of people who match. Not a collection of 00:29:05.799 --> 00:29:07.720 affinity groups that happen to share a building. 00:29:08.259 --> 00:29:10.779 Not a pastor surrounded by people waiting to 00:29:10.779 --> 00:29:15.400 be cared for. It's a household. A body. A family. 00:29:16.680 --> 00:29:19.180 I need to stop expecting my pastor to provide 00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:21.799 what the whole body is commanded to provide. 00:29:22.599 --> 00:29:25.519 And I need to stop expecting the body to carry 00:29:25.519 --> 00:29:29.740 what I refuse to let it see. So maybe the question 00:29:29.740 --> 00:29:32.740 this week is simple. Who knows you well enough 00:29:32.740 --> 00:29:36.319 to notice? And who do you know well enough to 00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:41.000 notice? If the answer is nobody, don't hear condemnation, 00:29:41.019 --> 00:29:45.799 but don't settle there either. Become known and 00:29:45.799 --> 00:29:50.480 begin learning somebody else. Now, if you're 00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:53.339 sitting here thinking, okay, Cody, this family 00:29:53.339 --> 00:29:55.579 thing sounds wonderful until I remember who's 00:29:55.579 --> 00:29:59.160 actually in my church. Good news. That's exactly 00:29:59.160 --> 00:30:02.339 where we're going next. Because... Putting redeemed 00:30:02.339 --> 00:30:05.160 sinners into a family creates something theologians 00:30:05.160 --> 00:30:09.519 have studied for centuries. Awkwardness. Personality 00:30:09.519 --> 00:30:13.440 differences, misunderstandings, offenses, forgiveness, 00:30:13.900 --> 00:30:17.259 unmet expectations. The urge to leave instead 00:30:17.259 --> 00:30:20.400 of having the conversation. And the deeply spiritual 00:30:20.400 --> 00:30:23.460 discipline of loving someone who gets on your 00:30:23.460 --> 00:30:26.740 nerves. In the extra shot, we're going to go 00:30:26.740 --> 00:30:29.220 deeper into why the church family gets awkward. 00:30:30.059 --> 00:30:33.380 Because Christian maturity isn't proven by finding 00:30:33.380 --> 00:30:36.299 a church where nobody bothers you. Sometimes 00:30:36.299 --> 00:30:40.140 God forms us by teaching us to love people we 00:30:40.140 --> 00:30:44.940 didn't choose. Then, in our next Bull Cup, we're 00:30:44.940 --> 00:30:47.400 going to turn towards another necessary question. 00:30:47.920 --> 00:30:50.579 If the whole body carries responsibility toward 00:30:50.579 --> 00:30:54.279 one another, does that mean nobody has a particular 00:30:54.279 --> 00:30:57.720 responsibility to shepherd the flock? Absolutely 00:30:57.720 --> 00:31:01.609 not. The family belongs to Christ, and Christ 00:31:01.609 --> 00:31:05.990 gives us shepherds. Next cup, we're going to 00:31:05.990 --> 00:31:08.650 look carefully at the men's scripture calls to 00:31:08.650 --> 00:31:12.930 shepherd Christ's flock. Their character, responsibility, 00:31:13.470 --> 00:31:16.670 authority, and accountability under the chief 00:31:16.670 --> 00:31:20.630 shepherd. Not CEOs, not celebrities, not owners. 00:31:22.089 --> 00:31:25.190 Shepherds under the chief shepherd. Thanks for 00:31:25.190 --> 00:31:27.509 spending time with us on this cup of Grace in 00:31:27.509 --> 00:31:29.730 the Grind. If somebody in your church family 00:31:29.730 --> 00:31:31.809 came to mind while you were listening to this, 00:31:31.910 --> 00:31:35.910 don't just think about them. Reach out. And if 00:31:35.910 --> 00:31:38.630 this conversation helped you, share it with somebody 00:31:38.630 --> 00:31:42.630 who would wrestle with it alongside you. Follow 00:31:42.630 --> 00:31:45.809 the podcast wherever you listen. And if you have 00:31:45.809 --> 00:31:48.589 a minute, leave a rating or a review. Those simple 00:31:48.589 --> 00:31:51.190 things really do help more people find these 00:31:51.190 --> 00:31:54.170 conversations. And if you want to support Grace 00:31:54.170 --> 00:31:56.509 in the Grind, One of the simplest ways is by 00:31:56.509 --> 00:31:58.430 grabbing a bag of coffee from Arrow & Roots Coffee 00:31:58.430 --> 00:32:01.950 Company. Then, come back for the extra shot. 00:32:02.190 --> 00:32:05.230 Why church family gets awkward. Until next time, 00:32:05.309 --> 00:32:07.650 keep your coffee strong and your faith stronger.