Imagine this for a moment.
You're nursing your baby.
You've got a kindergartner asking you for the 10th time how to spell a word,
and your primary age child is struggling with long division and they keep saying
they're hungry and they want a snack.
And in the meantime, you still haven't put the laundry load on,
nor have you unpacked the dishwasher and your dishes are piled high.
Now imagine a different morning your older child is working through a few
problems independently making a note of those that he needs help with.
Your kindergartner is checking the word wall you made together, and your
oldest is setting out plates for snacks that are pre-prepared in the fridge.
This isn't a fantasy.
It's what happens when we plan ahead and intentionally teach our children
to become independent learners.
And here's the thing, when our children are young, this is the perfect time
to start building these skills, even though sometimes it feels easier and
quicker just to do things for them.
Today we're going to talk about how to foster real independence,
responsibility, and self direction in your young learners at home.
This is why independence matters even more at home.
Because you know that something has to change when you are encountering
that same issue over and over.
So here's an example of what I mean.
The kids come to you and they ask you the same question over and over.
Maybe it's, where are my shoes?
Or whatever it could be.
Or, I'm hungry.
When can we have a snack?
Or that toddler that keeps whining every time you have to
just sit down to nurse your baby.
When these things are happening at the same time.
It can make you feel overwhelmed because the truth be told is that we cannot be
everything to everyone all the time.
And when you're teaching and you're the parent simultaneously, independence
isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.
It's what's going to keep you sane.
I always remember my second son was born, my oldest was only
17 months old, still a baby.
But I didn't have the luxury of having help or having my mum nearby
or friends who, um, would pop in.
We lived in a foreign country.
My husband worked away for much of the time, and I was at home
with a baby and a 17 month old toddler, and I still remember,
saying to my oldest son who was just a baby at the time, really,
I really need you to be a big boy.
I need your help because when I'm feeding your little brother, I can't help you too.
The poor little thing.
I always felt bad about that, but I literally didn't have a choice
but to make him independent because there was no one else around to help.
I had to put systems in place for when I couldn't help him or play with him.
I prepared his snack, for example, beforehand I would have picture books
near me so that I could read him a story while I was nursing his brother and I made
sure that the toys were within easy reach for him, close to me, so that he felt
comfortable playing on his own near me.
This early training in independence really stood both my children in good stead
because independent kids are easy kids, they're easier to teach and they're more
confident because they pride themselves in being able to do things on their own.
And of course, these skills transfer beyond home and beyond school.
They become life skills.
Children become natural problem solvers, and they're able to motivate themselves.
You know, I often think back, and I think I was perhaps too hard on my
kids, not bailing them out all the time or doing things for them when
they could do things for themselves.
But thinking back, I can think of so many instances when I left them
to sort things out for themselves.
And I remember one time being in the supermarket with a trolley full of
groceries when my phone rang, and it was my youngest phoning from the school office
telling me that he had forgotten his swimming bathers and his towel at home,
and they were having a swimming lesson.
And I know it sounds cruel, but I just said, sorry, my
boy, I'm in the supermarket.
I've got a trolley full of food and you'll have to make a plan.
I'm sorry I can't come to school and help you.
And make a plan he did.
He went to the lost property.
He found a pair of swimming trunks and a towel.
He did the lesson and he returned them to the lost property afterwards.
And you know what else?
He felt proud that he solved his own problem, and of course he made sure that
he never forgot his swimming gear again.
This has carried through into my children's young adult lives.
We aren't in a position to give them jobs in our business simply
because we don't have a business.
We haven't inherited vast sums of money and everything we have as a family, we've
had to work hard for and make sacrifices, and the boys know that they have to make
their own lives too.
They have been able to complete difficult degrees and find jobs on their own merit.
This is what independence and resilience breeds.
I know that if I died tomorrow, they would be absolutely capable of making their own
lives and looking after their own families and standing on their own two feet.
But this independence and the resilience didn't start when they left school.
It started when they were little with me, providing a strong foundation and
organized systems so that they felt a sense of pride and achievement and
independence within boundaries of course.
So what does this practically look like in the day-to-day running of a home?
Well, number one is, first and foremost is get yourself organized.
Perhaps.
I'm lucky in that I am a very organized person, mostly anyway when I have to be.
If you saw the state of my desk, you would never say so, but there you go.
So for example, if you get into the habit of never leaving things lying
around, you never have to tidy up.
Because things are in order.
If you clean your kitchen after every meal, you never have a messy kitchen.
These little things really help you when you are busy and so you
train your children from when they are young to put away their toys,
for example, at the end of the day.
I've said it many times on this podcast, but children learn from us.
If you are disorganized, they tend to be disorganized.
If you put things away and you're encouraged by your own example, them
to do the same, it's less work for you eventually, and you live in a
tidy space that you can be proud of.
And, when you're organizing, have a place where kids put their shoes
when they come home, or where they leave their backpacks, or a routine
to follow for homework or reading, whatever it is, get yourself organized.
Get a routine in place, and have things in a place ready and easily
accessible for children so that they can get things themselves without
having to ask you each and every time.
And remember that independence looks different at different ages.
By age five a child is more than capable of getting their own
materials as long as they know where they are and how to use them.
By age eight
a child can follow a checklist or a chore schedule.
It's not about leaving kids completely alone and being
a totally hands off parent.
It's not about being neglectful.
It's about getting children to a stage where they know what and how to do
something before asking you for your help.
These small wins matter.
When you've trained children from small
to put away their toys, later it's putting away supplies or starting
homework or trying to solve a problem first or making themselves a snack.
So getting organized and putting procedures in place to help children
be independent is the first step.
Then number two is establishing those daily routines, and once again with this,
I'm reminded of a time when my kids were little and also my time in the classroom.
Routines are predictable things.
They make children feel safe.
If you've ever grown up in a house that was chaotic and did not have
routines, you'll understand that feeling of having no control.
I grew up with unpredictability, and even as I think about it now, a
knot starts to form in my stomach.
There is powerlessness in unpredictability.
Maybe that's why I'm such a stickler for routine and boundaries with my
own children, because I never wanted them to experience that anxiety when
you don't know what's coming next.
Routines, of course, are born also from being organized.
Routines make life easier for everyone.
For example, when my kids were little, every night looked the same.
Sounds boring, but it worked.
Dinner, then bath, bottle of milk with a story, then bed.
Even when we traveled, that routine stayed fixed.
There wasn't a fight to go to bed because they knew the routine.
At school going age, they would come home from school, change out of their uniform,
have a snack, then homework straight away.
Then they could go and play or swim or whatever they wanted.
And then again, it could be dinner, bath or shower, read a book,
and then lights out for bedtime.
Other things like providing them with a space where they can do their
learning, A space where their supplies are kept easily and accessible, makes
learning tasks and homework easier too.
Once they finished their homework, they had to pack their backpacks,
and they had to make sure they had everything ready for the next day.
Doing these things the night before so that there wasn't a mad scramble
in the morning, meant mornings were calm and that they knew what to do.
And honestly, having these routines in place from when they were little,
I can honestly say hands on my heart, I never once had to ask them or
tell them to do their homework when they got to middle and high school.
They already had that routine and that independence built in.
So these are the key points for us to remember.
Start simple.
Put one routine or system in place at a time.
Don't try and change everything all at once if you just starting out
'cause that's gonna be overwhelming.
Have visual tools available, things like schedule or checklists or routine cards up
on your fridge or a notice board or in the bathroom on a mirror, whatever serves you.
Next is the teaching process.
You've gotta model it in your own life, show them how to do things,
and then you do it together, and the next, you watch them do it, and then
you let them do it on their own.
This, by the way, is what is called explicit instruction.
It's that I do, we do together, and then you do process.
Next is create those routines, be it your morning routine, a homework
routine, a reading routine, or a supply organization routine, whatever it is.
Number three is giving children some agency.
Now, agency is the ability for children to make their own choices, for them to
have some influence over their world.
Agency doesn't mean letting children have free range to do
whatever and whenever they like.
Agency doesn't mean taking your child to the supermarket and letting them
choose whichever cereal they want.
That's you not taking your role as parent and guide seriously 'cause children
don't know anything about what's good for them and what's not good for them
in terms of nutrition.
They don't know how to read labels.
They don't know about colorants and e numbers and preservatives and
nitrates that aren't good for them.
Not unless you first teach them these things.
And then that comes back down to you modeling that.
Teach them about what good food is, how to read labels.
Et cetera.
And then when they know that, then they can start making some
decent food choices for themselves.
And by the way, I have never given my children a choice
of what they want to eat.
I cook a family meal and they eat.
That's it.
There was never any separate food.
They ate what we ate, obviously, when they were little, I made adjustments.
You don't add salt or make food spicy.
Uh, we put your own salt on your food, on your plate.
Little adjustments like that when little adjustments like that to accommodate small
children, you know, when they're starting to eat solids or sharing meal times.
Giving children some agency in their learning
however is a very good thing.
Let them choose the book you're going to read as their bedtime
story when you're learning about a particular theme, for example, sea
creatures or animals, let them choose the animal they want to research.
It's a far richer experience when children are researching their
own topic of interest than all the children researching the same thing.
Also give them a choice in how they will present their knowledge.
Sometimes you want them to write a report because perhaps you've been teaching
them how to do report writing, but then also allow them to present what
they've learned in a way that they like.
Perhaps they want to create a poster or create a PowerPoint presentation,
or they wanna make a movie.
Giving them these choices makes them feel like they have some
control over their learning, and it puts some power into their hands.
Every time I have allowed children to learn and do research in this way, I
have been blown away by the learning and what children are capable of when
you give them an opportunity like this.
This allows children that may not be that capable in writing to present their
knowledge in a way that they can showcase
their talents, but it's an alternative medium that supports their strengths.
At the end of the day isn't that what learning should be about making learning
irresistible instead of just a chore?
So key points for nurturing children's agency.
Let's go over them.
Giving them a choice within a structure.
For example, we are learning about mammals.
You can choose whichever mammal you would like to learn about,
not do whatever you want.
Look at where choices fit naturally, maybe reading selections or writing
topics, or hands-on activities.
Next is teaching decision making skills.
Help them think through choices so that they can make good choices, not
just pick randomly for no reason or just because something looks good or
because everyone else is doing it.
You also need to have a balance between what is required work or required
tasks and things they can choose.
Giving children a choice actually reduces resistance and
makes success more attainable.
Here's number four.
It's teaching self-direction and you do this one step at a time.
Working or playing independently doesn't just happen overnight.
Like I said in the beginning, it needs some kind of strategy and organization
to help children become more independent.
Whether it's them helping make a sandwich alongside you so that they
can eventually do it on their own or using a checklist that they need to work
through when they're doing something before they immediately call for help.
Children don't know what they don't know.
We need to tell them and we need to show them how to do things.
We need to tell them and show them what we expect from them.
And we also have to repeat it a hundred times because they're not
going to get it in the first time.
Like anything, it takes practice.
These are the key points.
Self-direction develops gradually.
So start with short independent tasks.
Use tools that can help you.
Anything.
It could be a timer, it could be ask three before me rule, it can be an anchor
chart on the wall, it can be a word bank, a number line, counters, whatever
it takes to help children figure things out on their own before they ask you.
And of course you have to make sure they understand how to use those tools.
You can't just put up a word bank and expect them to use it.
You need to model how to use it first.
And sometimes you'll need to model things many, many times before they can do
things independently and by themselves.
Teaching them to problem solve with questions like, what have you tried?
What could you try next?
Where could you look?
Ask those questions so that they can start that thinking process.
And then of course we have the art of not rescuing too quickly.
Giving them that space to struggle productively.
This doesn't mean that you never help.
It doesn't mean that you just let them struggle and never step in.
It means you watch and you listen and you encourage, and then you step
in when you see that they are really finding things impossible on their own.
But watch for learned helplessness because if you're always stepping in
to rescue them, they learn very quickly that you will always bail them out.
Rescuing in this instance is not helping their independence or
their growth in the long run.
And lastly, learn how to conference with your child in ways that coach
rather than just give answers.
This is very much like a teacher would give feedback.
You're talking through the problem, you're looking at ways to solve
it, and you're asking what they can do differently next time.
And this is what developing independence and problem solving is all about.
When we teach our children to be independent learners we're not just
making our homes and our teaching days run smoother, though that's the
real benefit, of course, but we're teaching them to trust themselves,
to persevere through challenges and to take ownership of their own growth.
These early years, these primary years, this is your chance
to build this foundation.
Yes, it takes intentional effort upfront.
Yes some days you'll want to just give them all the answers because it's faster.
But the 7-year-old who learns to try
before asking, becomes the 12-year-old who can manage their
own work, and eventually the adult who knows how to figure things out.
You're not just teaching reading and math.
You're shaping how children see themselves as learners and how they are eventually
going to be able to navigate adult life.
If you're thinking, yes, I want this, but I need practical help
and support to make this happen.
Well, I'd love to support you.
I send out a weekly newsletter called Get Curious with real strategies
and ideas and encouragement for parents and homeschool parents who
want to build more independent, capable, and curious learners.
I leave a link for you in the show notes, so you can just click there and
sign up to get the weekly newsletter.
Listen, thanks for listening today.
I hope you found some value in today's episode, and if you did, please click
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Until next week, take care of yourself and stay blooming.
Curious.