RPG Major is an actual play like no other. Privatized
Mara, Scion of Sirens, and Aubrey, former Fairy
Queen, solve supernatural mysteries while improvising
songs. Sitting on the front porch of your office
is a wooden xylophone. Oh, no. We don't... No,
we know what xylophones do, Mara. And we're going
to say it at the same time on three. One, two,
three. They turn you into a skeleton and then
you play a ribcage like a xylophone. Right? Right.
I agree. I'll sing along. Nope, that would make
it worse. Combining actual play, musical theater,
and mystery into one cozy package, it's RPG Major.
RPG Major. Last time on The Bad Articles. Our
Knuckles had a sleepover, judged a local talent
competition for kids and chaired a barrage of
tooth -related accusations. Stick around to find
out what happens next. Unless you're a coward.
Since the dawn of time, Ireland has played host
to unimaginable horrors, ushered in through an
ever -wakening veil between our world and the
other side. They live among us, shaping our mythology,
sowing chaos, scaring the shit out of people.
Not all hope is lost. Underfunded, undergunned
and underappreciated, the OSNA stand proudly
in the way of unchecked otherworldly chaos. This
secret network of brave volunteers put their
lives and their sanity on the line, all for a
better tomorrow. Have you ever disappeared for
three days and come back 50 quid lighter without
any explanation for the lost time? And even though
you're certain it was something mysterious and
strange due to the big beam of light in the sky,
your mates are convinced you were just out on
the long lash. You better call the OSNA before
you find yourself in the bad articles. Leaving
the town hall with the still thunderous applause
for little Tommy going on inside. You find yourself
out in the car park walking towards your wee
car. I might take up wrestling. I'm inspired
by that boy. Yeah, he completely demolished.
And the fact that he had multiple postman pad
plushies to destroy. And you know it killed him
to do that because I know him better than you
lot does and he loves postman pad. He loves postman
pad? He loves him. And for him to then... demolish
him. That took a lot of his soul away, I think.
And I think that's what makes him a good fighter,
really. He's calmed what's within. He's got rid
of the love that he's able to feel. He can love
something and destroy it. I mean, this is incredible
because this implies we've just come in and saw
this performance and that was only a snippet.
So this implies that Tommy has lore that goes
back. There's been a whole Postman Pat story
arc. No, big time. Sylvester, have you had to
fight Tommy in the chair? Well, he's a bit of
a wriggler, yeah. But I'm so quick and my tiny
little hands do just get in immediately. I don't
really have issues with that with people because...
I'm just in there. I'm in, I'm out. You wouldn't
even know. Come to think of it, Sylvester, you
do look a bit like Postman Pat. Do you think
that Tommy has taken out some frustration? Oh,
my God. Yeah. I hope not, because I've got a
kind heart. I know I'm, like, tall and quite
scary and I'm a dentist. Oh, we haven't said
that. No, you have. You've called me creepy multiple
times. But, you know, I hope not. It's not my
fault I look like this. It's not my fault. I'm
all the way up here. You know, it's hard for
people to look in my eyes. I mean, I will say,
well, we have occasionally described you as creepy.
We do think you're innocent. Yes. We do think
you've got a pure heart. We can't underline that
enough. In spite of all appearances to the contrary,
we think you're innocent. That means a lot. That
does mean a lot. And I'll bend down so you can
see my eyes when I say this. This is the first
time you've been eye -level with us. Yeah. Are
you getting enough water in your eyes or jaundiced?
I'm getting more insults. I thought I was just
going to go down here. No, it's a diagnosis.
As a fellow medical professional, I know all
about eyes. Yeah, it's like if I had, you know,
yellow teeth or something, you'd probably call
me. Okay, sorry. Or if your printer was fucked,
I'd let you know. Yeah, that's fair. Arda Sian,
here to help. So I'm just going to say I really
appreciate that, guys, and I appreciate you coming
and being here and believing me. Thank you, guys.
Right. Shall we head somewhere? Shall we head
to the factory? That might be a good idea. Yeah,
I think the textile factory seems to be the way
to go. You all bundle into the car and start
heading off down towards Noonan's Textile Factory.
It's on the eastern road out of Ballybogle, the
same road that you used to reach the shack. And
along the way, you come upon a wee turn off to
the left. It's a little bit closer to the town
than the shack is. It's around 20 minutes closer
on foot, you'd guess. And it leads to an opening
in the trees where the road turns into a wee
dusty and wide driveway. In the distance, you
see a large Victorian era red brick warehouse.
It's got three stories and windows dotted around
the exterior and an enormous set of big industrial
loading doors that look like the slide open for
deliveries. Big proper business doors. and in
large, white -painted letters, you read Noonan's
Textiles. As you hop out of the car and approach
on foot, the building grows ever larger, until
finally, dwarfed by its stature, you stand in
front of those big, massive doors. Painted on
that shutter is the word Deliveries, and next
to the delivery doors is a big, large cardboard
box with the Sweet Tooth stamped on it. It's
weird that the Noonan Textiles has a big delivery
of taffy. I go over to the box. You rip off the
sellotape and you open it up. Inside, you do
see loads and loads of wee bits of taffy. I'm
going to have a roodle around. Gideon, you get
to roodling. You jam your head into that box
and start rummaging your hands about. You can
give me an awareness roll. No, an investigation
roll, please. That's 31 over 20. You're clawing
around at it like a bear in a big honeypot. But
all you feel in there, sweets, does just seem
like this very generous sweet shop owner has
gifted. thousands of taffy to this here textile
factory. Now my ghee's all sticky. My sticky,
beany ghee. There's nothing here, guys. Can I
just see about maybe knocking on a door and maybe
giving a wee rattle if no one responds? You walk
up and you bang your fist on that big metal sliding
door and you hear the big old clang and it echoes
through the warehouse behind. After a few seconds,
you don't hear any response. No one seems to
come to meet you. Jesus, why do you announce
that we're here? Well, why wouldn't I? Are we
doing this secretly? Dolan, we're trespassing.
Yeah. High five. I didn't think... It's a big
factory. I was going to talk to people. Dolan,
high five. I'm not high -fiving you. You're sticky.
You're hairy. You're smelly of beans. Well, there
doesn't seem to be anyone around, per se. I mean...
If we need to, I can open locks. We can just
have a wander, see what we find. I mean, that
was my point. I was just going to talk to people
and just say we're here on the mayor's order.
They don't know otherwise. Oh, I like that. It's
a small town. I mean, if you think that will
fly, then... From the very brief time we spent
with the mayor, he seems the kind of guy who
would flop that off on us. Well, he's on holiday
now, so they can't even get hold of him. He definitely
has his phone off. To be fair, he already flopped
off two events simultaneously onto us. Are we
the mayor? No. Oh, shit. No, no. No, I don't
think we've got mayoral responsibilities. Yeah,
we literally did. We got deputized in front of
the whole town. Oh, wait, no, we were deputized.
No, Sylvester, you've got to stay on my side
on this. We're not the mayor. We don't have mayoral
powers. What really makes you a mayor is your
actions. Yeah, so we're going to trespass into
this factory. For the truth. Yeah, yeah, should
start with maybe, like, the windows. The door.
We can do the door. Is the door locked? The door
does appear to be locked. You can attempt an
engineering rule. You also do notice along the
side of the building there's a set of rickety
steel steps. They lead up towards the roof. So
it looks like there's a fire exit along the side
of the building as well. While you guys work
on this door, I'm going to try these. rickety
old steps. I'm pretty loud of feet ever since
Mervyn taught me how to do this. Absolutely eat
shit. I want you to have to roll for whatever
you're about to do. What are you attempting to
do, Gain? I think I'm just trying to do something
cool. Maybe like a backflip. A backflip! Oh,
that's an agility roll. Please give me an agility
roll to see if you can land a sweet backflip.
80... Wait, you don't know my agility. 84 over
20. Oh, Christ. Your feet barely get off the
ground before you land on your arse. Maybe you
bruise your coccyx. I'm going to go up the steps.
You just see Gideon hobble away. Gideon hobble?
Gideon hobble away, clutching his bottom. Oh,
Gideon, I'll come with you and we'll try and
go up. I think he needs a bit of help because...
Oh, he does. Because if he falls... Hold his
wee hand there as you go up the stairs. Okay,
no, we'll hold hands. I'll reach down and grab
your hand. Oh, yeah. Just like Papa. Can Maddy
try and open the door? So with that, Sylvester
and Gideon head up the fire escape as Maddy sets
to work on this big old door. I'll need an engineering
rule from you to try and pick the lock. 88 over
40. You think if you had maybe the right tools
and significantly more training, you might be
able to get through this, but no, it looks like
it's a big old lock. These doors have been there
for a long time. Do you mind if I give it a go?
You can indeed. I mean, I've done a lot of this
over the years. 28 under 80. Oh. You realize
it's mostly just getting a little bit of internal
momentum on those barrels. And you do hear this
satisfying clunk as the mechanism gives way.
And you're able to slide these big doors to the
side. I've come across the odd stuck door in
my time. All right, let them show off. Do you
want me to lock it again? Do you want a no -go?
No, no. I can do that if you want. No, no, it's
okay. Just... Yeah. We did it together, if anyone
asks. Yeah, you loosened it up. Thanks. With
that, we'll cut over to Sylvester and Gideon.
You gingerly make your way up the steps, which
pass by several of the big, large curved windows.
It's dark inside the building, but you can make
out the shapes of machinery on the ground level.
At the very top of the stairs, you find yourself
on the flat roof of this structure. In the centre
of the roof is a wee fire escape door, and dotted
around it are a bunch of, like, bubbled skylight
windows, the sort that you'd see meerkats poke
their heads up into at the zoo. It's awfully
high, isn't it? God. Oh, gosh. You're OK. You're
OK. Oh, gosh. You're OK. Just don't... Just get
away from the edge. Stop looking over the edge.
Oh, gosh. Even looking through the windows. God.
When you're this height, you realise there's
a long way to fall. And I've fallen before, and
it literally is like a tree falling over. I thought
you were talking about your professional fall
from grace. But you mean literally. No, no, I
mean literally. And it's not a fall from grace
because I did nothing that would not give me
grace, if you know what I mean. But I have, you
know, I've done nothing to make me not graceful,
if you know what I mean. Sorry, I'm getting really
defensive again. I know, I know. You've reared
up to a full height. I am quite scared. Sorry,
sorry. Don't be scared of me. I'm a nice man.
Sylvester, we know you're a nice guy. We know
you're a nice man. We know you didn't do it.
You don't need to tell us. Do you want me to
let your hand go? Yes, please. It's like a vice.
Sorry. What do we see through the skylights?
Through the skylights, looking down, you can
see that there's a raised walkway that runs around,
you know, about one storey up on the building.
Inside, there's a huge collection of large bits
of industrial machinery. There's big dye vats.
There's... Big old sewing machines. There's all
sorts of leather belts and contraptions all over
the place. However, the whole place is currently
lying dormant. There's no lights on down here.
And you can see silhouetted in the doorway your
two fellow knuckles standing down there. Back
down on the ground floor. So is this like a sort
of loading area? Is it just like a... I'm picturing
like a gym hall sized room, I guess. The actual
room itself, yeah, it's sort of... It's probably
about the size of two gym halls. So a big hall,
but it's a big open space. You do see there's
a clearing at the front where you'd be able to
reverse a van into to get bales of fabric on
and off. And then lining each side of the room,
there are big electrified looms that would make
material. There are... dye vats and then there
are machines to spool and prep the fabric for
shipping and distribution. Is this the room with
the skylight? Yes, you can see the skylight dotted
above you and you can see your two friends peering
down through one of them. I give them a quick
wave. I give them the fingers. Belovedly. The
two friends up above, you can see that this window
that is open is directly over this floating walkway
that hangs over the main factory floor. Sylvester,
with your long, long arms, do you think you could
lower me down to that walkway? Do you know, I
believe I could actually. I'll just maybe hang
on and then you climb down my body like it's
a ladder. That is not what I envisioned, but
it's even better. Let's give it a go. Okay, right.
Well, I'll be hanging. I'm hanging. Right, I'm
hung. Right, you go now. Sylvester hangs by his
arms down this window and Gideon tries to slide
down him like a man rope. Can I please have a
might roll from Sylvester to hold on and from
Gideon to, as graciously as possible, shimmy
down his long length. Two. I want you to know
that I'll always try to do these things. 91 over
20. Sylvester's vice -like grip doesn't give
way, but Gideon tumbles from his length and lands
on the walkway. You notice instantly that this
thing is not as secure as you'd like. It sort
of shakes and quivers as you land, like the sort
of moving floor you'd get at a haunted house.
That's okay. If it was really stiff, that would
be bad engineering. I'm sure this is totally
fine. Do you reckon, like, I could maybe get
down, do you reckon? Um... Or is it gonna split
in two if my... Long body hits that. Hold on
a second. And I kind of get up and feel about
it. Will you catch me? I will not. Down on the
ground, you two here, Gideon, land on that walkway.
And your eyes dart up and you can see Sylvester
hanging from a window. Oh, mind yourself. What
are you two idiots doing? Hiya. Hi, Sylvester.
Are you all right, Sylvester? I'm living my dream
here. I think your friends hurt, though. Are
you hurt? No, I'm actually, I'm all right. I've
still hurt my bottom, but I'm okay. I wave down
like I'm the queen. From your vantage point,
Gideon, you can notice on the same level as the
catwalk, you see a little box -like room, so
sort of one story up, and it looks like it's
the control room for the warehouse. Now, unfortunately,
the door access on the catwalk is on the other
side of the warehouse. You cannot access that
control room from the walkway that you're currently
on. Are there any other rooms or offices that
we can see about the place besides this, even
a kitchen? There's a little kitchenette that's
open -planned on the ground floor. The main space
is entirely open -planned. At the end of the
catwalk, there is a lift system that looks like
it's designed for transporting equipment parts.
So chemicals, dyes, bales of fabric. It would
also undoubtedly carry a human, because... After
all, what is a human but a piece of equipment
in this temple of unfettered capitalism? Can
we venture towards the lift? I'm thinking might
we need some kind of access pass to access the
lift, but let's check out the lift first. As
you venture further into the warehouse, it is
very dark in here. You can pull out your trusty
OSNA flashlights and illuminate the space a bit.
At the bottom... Near the elevator itself, you
see a big panel of buttons. You'd wager that
one of those must surely control the lights.
There's four buttons that you can see. There's
a red, a green, a blue and a yellow. Maddy has
all four fingers extended and is going towards
the control panel. As Maddy's four fingers simultaneously
press every single button, you hear the entire
factory spring into life. As the lights hum and
flicker on, you start hearing steam hissing the
whirring of these large machines spinning up.
There's a faint bubbling sound of liquid, like
a wonderful choreographed dance. Or those synchronized
swimmers you saw earlier. Each of these machines
begin their automated tasks. So great leather
belts start driving overhead, operating these
conveyors. Looms and mules send shuttles firing
at high speeds back and forth. all powered by
high -pressure steam which hisses and erupts
in plumes of intense heat around the catwalk
and large vats of caustic dyes bubble underfoot.
It's like that machine that Charlie Chaplin got
all tied up in that time. A blast of steam suddenly
shoots up from the machines below towards the
catwalk. I'm going to need a preservation roll
from you. 60%. Oh! 11 under 60. You take a little
dive to the side as this blast of steam flies
up through the metal grill beside you. Sylvester,
are you okay? Oh, the soles of my feet got a
bit hot. I'm going to ask for another mic roll
to hold on from the shock of this thing. 78 over
20. Oh, no. Oh, God, no! The sensation of hot
feet make your fingers momentarily release. You
don't have that far to fall, but the weight of
you hitting that thing makes the entire catwalk
shudder and judder underfoot. I'm going to need
preservation rules from both of you to keep your
balance. 92. Oh, well, I got 64, so... Am I dying?
As you land, you try to get your foot in, but
this thing, every move you make, this catwalk's
moving in the opposite direction. And as, let's
say, Gideon, you begin to tumble, you grab onto
Sylvester for support, dragging him with you.
You fall from the catwalk until... You landed
in a big vat of white dye. It erupts over the
edges and splashes onto the floor, and you two
are paddling frantically. Can we just press the
four buttons again to stop this? You don't know
which one does what. All four get switched back
on. Maddie presses the four buttons. Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry! The lights immediately go out.
The belts begin to slow. The building heat in
that big vat of dye begins to slowly subside.
You don't feel the same bubbling, but you are...
A bony white. I've never looked more like a ghoul.
You pull yourself up to the sides and pop your
shocking visages over the edge. Can I, like,
flop over the edge? Like a child trying to climb
over a fence, you flop over the edge and slap
onto the ground. Every inch of you is a blinding
white. I'm so sorry, Gideon. Can someone get
me a napkin for my mouth and my eyes? Matty has
tissue on them. Matty pulls out some tissues
and passes them to Gideon. I'm so sorry. How
about you, Sylvester? How are you doing? Sylvester
pulls himself out of the vat and has his little
feet on the side. He's got little feet as well.
And then he jumps off. And he does land on his
feet, but you can tell it hurt, but he's trying
to make it seem like it didn't hurt. Can I quickly
press on and off each of them? the buttons in
alternate to see which one is the light. So that
we at least have that covered. Maddy systematically
works their way through the buttons on the control
panel. That red one seems to get the steam power
up and running. So like it seems to basically
provide the pressure and power that will run
a lot of these machines. The green button gets
the larger mechanisms going, like the actual
machinery. The blue button seems to ignite the
burners underneath the dyes to get them up to
temperature. And the yellow button lights up
the factory. The lift leads up to the gantry
that you were on and that you fell off. The other
gantry has a little set of wrought iron stairs
that will bring you up to the doorway into the
control room. We got the stairs! The door to
the control room appears to be unlocked. You
can push open that door and inside the lights
flicker on automatically when you enter. And
you're able to see a large personal computer
system on an ornate desk with a little plaque
on it, which reads Amanda Noonan. There's a delightful
bouquet of flowers next to a Newton's cradle
and a big box of chocolates with all the nut
ones missing. She's got one of those unnecessarily
fiddly cigarette dispensers that makes them all
pop out like a wee flower. Is there a printer?
There is indeed a printer hooked up to that computer.
Also, on the rear wall of the main office, you
see an enormous and lavish oil painting. of a
man facing a regal gold -framed mirror. His hand
is pressed against the glass, but the reflection
facing back is that of a lion. You quickly recognise
the man as Mayor John, and by extension, probably
the lion too, and they're both in his signature
pinstripe suit. The bottom half of the mirror
is all steamed up, undoubtedly from the sheer
heat of the man, with some small letters squeakily
written upon it. What are the small letters?
You can see that it's the word reflections. But
all of the E's are threes. Can I try logging
into the computer with that as the password,
please? You boot up that computer. It's running
Windows 3 .1, which, as you'll all know, is the
first 32 -bit version of the operating system.
You are indeed able to type in R3FL3CTIONS. And
when you hit enter, you are welcomed by a beautiful
little desktop screen. Is there, like, deleted
files or a folder for, like, trash or anything?
this computer. Yes, there is indeed a little
wastebasket. Inside, you find what look like
reply draft emails that she hasn't decided to
send. It looks like she's trying to write something
a wee bit saucy, but isn't quite getting the
hang of it. And you'd guess she's probably got
a wee bit embarrassed about it and just deleted
the email. Dolan, you'd love this. I'm going
to ignore that. I'm sure we'd love to hear some
of these attempted saucy emails. In one of them,
it starts off all right. You know, she's done
a lot of scene setting. She's talking about,
you know, setting out in the moonlight. But then
she gets fixated and keeps talking about his
thick neck. And she keeps saying thick neck over
and over and over again. And then that one just
got trashed. Another one, she goes into way too
much detail about her own clothes. I don't want
to hear about it. I want to hear it. Why doesn't
Gideon read it? Yeah, Gideon reads emails. Dear
John. I'm looking out over the factory floor
at all this bubbling liquid. Mmm. Look at it
go. Just thinking about that thick white liquid.
Whoa. Whoa, what? I'm just reading it out. No,
continue. I can stop reading if people are uncomfortable.
No, continue. Skip a few lines. Thick neck, thick
neck, thick neck. I want to grab your thick neck.
You're my lion. And I am the ringmaster. Wa -pa!
Wa -pa! Bubbling white liquid. I'm going to make
you pretty. You're my pretty little lion. Yours
sincerely, Amanda. Is there other things on the
computer? It looks like this machine functions
as sort of the hub of this whole place. There's
remote controls for opening and closing the large
main doors. There's a breakdown of chemicals
used in all of the dyes, and it appears that
it's actually a big selling point of this place,
that all of these are sort of naturally occurring
dyes. It would appear that everything is environmentally
sound and friendly, and it's kind of their whole
deal. They're, uh, yeah, they... pride themselves
on only using natural colours and natural materials.
Unlike these emails, it seems like this place
is completely clean. Well, I didn't want to say
that I was worried about that dye being corrosive
because I didn't want to freak you guys out.
I already felt quite responsible, but it looks
like you're probably going to be okay. It was
one of the first thoughts in my mind when we
were submerged. I was like, we'd know quickly
if it was, you know. Yeah. It was bad. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. I was more worried about my eyes
more than anything. That's weird. I was worried
about my teeth. I would say that while your skin
didn't start burning off you, in this sort of
concentration, you are still a wee bit stingy
in the eyes. Like, you can feel the itch on your
skin because, you know, if you dive into a big
barrel of green dye made of nettles, you're still
probably not going to have a good time. Sorry,
guys. I just want to rip off these emails for
evidence. Rip them off, plagiarise them, publish
these steamy stories. Listen, I don't think they're
going to let me come back to work, so I've got
to have some source of income. Why do you think
they won't let you go back to work? I keep taking
leave when I don't have leave. Okay, I know that's
bad. You shouldn't be doing this. This isn't
that important, to be quite honest. This is very
important. Sylvester isn't important? This is
everything to me, so don't be saying this isn't
important. This is my livelihood and the teeth
of the town. It's important for the teeth of
the town. I'm just sort of saying, you know,
me and Maddie could have probably done it. And
it sounds like there's other knuckles out there.
You know, you don't need to take off work for
this. I like hanging out. Thanks, Maddie. But
I don't want you to use, like, patience for that.
Yeah. That is true. What do your patients do
with their eyes if you are not available? You
do important work outside of this. In addition
to the info on the dyes itself, there's also
a breakdown of some of the other materials that
are used with some hazardous care, what to do
with some of these things. It lists that sodium
hydrosulfite is used in some of the processes.
It warns against heating that above a certain
temperature because once it has, if you mix it
with cold water, it can combust violently. And
there's also hydrochloric acid that is to be
stored in the locked cabinet on the factory floor
and should not be used without the correct protective
safety gear, which is also to be found in the
lock. cabinet. The painting seems a bit weird.
So, can we lift it off to see? Can Maddy check
if there's a safe behind it? Or like a little
compartment? Because it feels big and ornate
and out of place. With that, Maddy, you pull
the painting forward slightly. You do not find
a safe behind it, but balanced along the inside
rim on the rear of the painting, a little set
of keys drops and falls to the ground. This is
a security nightmare. Both the password and the
keys were attached to this painting. Between
a lack of emergency shutdown button and there's
no eye cleaning station, I have to do some complaints
about this. But she does seem to love escape
rooms. Maddie, what do you mean by that? People
like to do puzzles. Seb used to bring me to escape
rooms that he made. It was his parents' spare
room and it was kind of a nightmare sometimes.
Sometimes he forgot the combinations in his own
locks. A moment of silence for Seb. Oh, he was
the shit -covered fella. What did I just say?
After fairly definitively disproving that this
textile factory had anything to do with the pollution
in the water, you all pile back into the car
to head off towards your next lead. I say all
of you pile into the car. Three of you do. Sylvester
is running at a fair clip alongside. You've got
the windows down so you can still chat to him.
Sylvester, what is the... Oh, maybe you're not
the person to ask about the sweet shop, actually.
No, no, yeah. No, no, no, ask away. Is it...
No, is it good? Is it well -priced? Like, have
they got a variety of stuff? Obviously, we've
seen a little bit of this taffy. Well, these
shoes, it is well -priced. It's very reasonably
priced. Marnie, can you slow down a wee bit?
Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm going
four miles an hour. Oh, gosh. Sylvester, you
said you could do this. This was like... I can.
I can do it. You can sit in my bath. All right,
give him a break. He was just covered in paint.
I'm just, like, I've still got dye in my eyes.
Do folks want me to swing by the sweet shop?
We think we know the dye's okay. So it might
be that the bad sweets, the accusation of bad
taffy, might be a misdirect. Can we trust Alexander
Little? Oh, you mean for investigation reasons?
I was packish. Oh, we should get lunch, 100%.
You hungry? I mean, I could eat. Let's go. No
beans. After filling your boots at the Bridge
and Crown on the all -you -can -eat Beef Wellington,
although you do only get a finite number of sides,
so you have to balance it, you head off towards
your next lead, Linus Mawinney, the Reiki healer.
So what exactly is Reiki? So Reiki is... like,
energy healing. He's really good at it. I've
been a few times. Like, everybody in the town,
you know, wants to get a hold of Linus for their
energy. You know, you don't want me going out
and your energy is wrong. So, yeah, everyone
goes to him. He's great at it. And this is the
same Linus Mawinney that Maurice Piper, nicest
man in the world, is deeply suspicious of. And
he's even accused of doing the teeth thing. Yeah,
yeah. Because of the lingering looks of wives.
Well, probably it's something to do with how
he does know everyone in the town because everyone
goes to him. And the fact that he's sort of like,
he's like a male witch. A warlock. Or I think,
can men be witches? Wizard, I suppose. Oh, I
think they can be witches. Witches, yeah. Everything's
gender neutral if you want it to be. Yeah. That's
so true. Would it be worthwhile to maybe ask
him about... the various symbols we found in
the cabin. If he knows all that spooky energy
stuff, he might know what those are. He is the
man to ask. On the edge of the village is a singular
detached building with a surrounding garden.
Poking your head through the gate, you see an
array of dream catchers hanging off the hedges.
You can even hear the twinkling of wind chimes
to the rear of the structure. Creeping around,
you see a set of steps leading up to a doorway
on the second floor of the building. A small
hand -painted sign reads Chakra Bleu. with a
cross -legged figure in meditation pose. The
opening times of the business are listed as 24
-7. As you push open the door, you are both nasally
and audibly assaulted by Nag Champa and Walesong,
respectively. The foyer is quite clearly just
a kitchen, with laminated A4 signage on every
flat surface. They list various wellness techniques,
yoga stretches, bad foods, Buddhist wisdom and
healing tips. Emanating from down the hall, you
hear muffled music and light giggling. This is
a highly stimulating space. I'm overwhelmed.
I think that's what it does. I think the whole
point is to overwhelm you so that you get freaked
out and then he can calm you down. And, you know,
you've got your energy alit. What? You've got
your energy alit. That's what he always says.
Get your energy alit before you come. You'll
have a better session. You can still hear there's
noise coming from down the hall at the room at
the end of the hall. There is a closed door,
but it does appear that there's some life back
there. It does feel like we could potentially
be stepping in on an appointment of a description.
A giggly appointment. Yeah, a very giggly, fun
appointment. He does do giggle therapy too. What's
that? It makes you watch maybe like a stand -up
box set. or he tickles you. I don't want to do
that. Let's just, you know what, let's just ask
for recommendations. Let's knock on the door.
Let's knock on the door, ask for recommendations.
I don't know, maybe by a dreamcatcher. You don't
hear any response from inside, probably over
that music, but you can turn the wee handle and
poke your head in. It's the calmest room you've
ever seen. There's lamps, both salt and lava,
everywhere. In the centre of the room is a classic
Gladstone pottery wheel. next to a massage table
against the far wall, and there's a small square
dining table in the corner. And sitting at the
dining table, you see a bald -headed figure with
their back to you. But their lack of hair coverage
up top is contrasted drastically by a long strawberry
blonde ponytail emitting from the base of their
skull, hanging down their back and kissing the
floor. In front of them, basically sitting on
their knee, is another figure. This one with
a tightly scraped back blonde ponytail. As your
eyes adjust to the moody lighting, you notice
that it's Lynn, the church organist. They're
sat in front of a pile of puzzle pieces. Linus's
arms wrap around her slender frame gently and
guide her towards the corner pieces of the jigsaw.
Your eyes, my hands. We move as one to complete
the picture. There we go. All the corner pieces
are complete now, Lynn. It's time for the edges.
I don't think I'm ready to do the edges just
yet. Lynn, you've been coming to me for weeks.
It is time for us to see how this little farmyard
scene really looks. All right, but I'm going
to start with the sky, okay? Of course. We'll
do the top edge. Do the top edge. Let's find
the clouds to... Oh. Um, excuse me, I believe
I still have another 35 minutes on this session.
Yes, my apologies. Oh, sorry. None of your doors
were locked. No, I don't believe in them. Hiya.
Hiya, Linus. How are you? Oh, Sylvester. Lovely
to see you. How are you doing? Well, we need
to ask you a few questions about something. I
heard about the... The accusations around town,
I'm very sorry that's happening to you. To another
fellow medical professional. Yeah, to another
healer. Healer to healer. Sorry, are you a medical
professional? Well, energy is... Absolutely,
yeah. Dolan, Dolan. Yeah, no, I'm... Dolan, please.
Yeah, no, I'm trying, I'm trying. He's definitely
a medical professional. He's changed many people's
lives. Multiple lives. Lynn here. No, I... Hello
again. This is actually just my first time here.
Now Lynn. No, no, no, no. I booked this because
you need to get put back on the straight and
narrow. You need to find God. Yes, so no, I just
needed a bit of help with the puzzle. Some nice
edging going on here in this puzzle. Nice edging.
I did most of this at home and then I knew where
the pieces went. I dismantled it, brought it
here, set it back up. I'm just getting a little
bit of input from him and I'm doing the Lord's
work here. I've never been here before. Right.
We met Lynn briefly the other day. She was talking
a little bit about adultery and the issues of
the town and the fact that there's a lot of liars
in town these days as well. Ultimately, it's
all part of God's plan and I'm his instrument
and I'm here to make sure that this young man
learns the error of his ways and rejoins the
flock. Oh, Lynn, that's so disappointing. You
don't need to show off for these strangers. Be
your true self. Lin, you come here to get your
energy alit, right? And to heal and forgive yourself,
yeah? That's why I'm a facilitator. Maybe for
God, maybe for some other kind of spiritual energy.
I don't know what's out there, man. Nobody does.
What do you make of this? We find this on a cabin,
an abandoned cabin, about 20 minutes outside
of time. And we're trying to figure out where
the person renting the place has gone. Brosnan.
Brosnan? Yes. Not Pierce. That is, yes. Pierce
Brosnan? Yeah. Is staying outside Ballybogle?
Isn't that that weird fella? Lynn, he's not weird.
He's always mucky and he never comes to math.
Pierce is a wonderful fellow. He's out there
in the woods, living off the land. You say his
shack's abandoned? Yeah, we found animal skins.
He clearly had been living there, but the place
was in disarray. Also, what looked like an animal
bed. Yeah, it seems like he hasn't handed in
his rent for a couple of weeks, so we were asked
to do a bit of a wellness check on him, check
the place out. Oh, goodness. Well, I do hope
he's okay, but the only person that really interacts
with Brosnan would be Prunches, the lovely pint
man. Was there... A horseshoe or something above
the door as well? There was, yeah. Well, which
way was it facing? It was facing down. Was it?
Or the prongs were facing down, right? I thought
it was in a U -shape. Well, what does both ways
mean? Can you tell us what one way means and
then the other? A horseshoe facing down normally
represents a shielding protection, right? It's
to keep bad forces, malevolent forces, from entering
a space, whereas a horseshoe facing up represents
a bowl to capture luck and energy and deliver
luck into a space. St. Andrew's Cross, normally
made with rowan branches, those are to ward off
the good folk. The good folk? The fairies, the,
you know. Worn them off? I don't like this at
all. I'm sorry. I've told you, you can help me
with this puzzle, but I don't want to hear about
fairy folk and all that sort of nonsense. Lin,
it's just old folklore. Linus, what do you make
of all these teeth going missing? Surely there's
something... Odd epidemic, isn't it? Real strange,
real strange. But of course, the body, the human
body, it ages and decays. Things fall off, sometimes
a fingernail, sometimes an eyelash. You think
this is standard senescence. You think this is
just people getting old. Who am I to say, new
friend? Who am I to say? I merely experience
the life that is set before me. Linus, I know
we've only just met. I was just wondering. I
have a friend and... I just think you'd be really
their type. Maddie looks over to Dylan. And I
just wanted to know if you're, like, available,
if you're, like, seeing anyone at the moment?
I wouldn't want to put labels on anything. Oh,
no, that's what I mean. Just, like, seeing, like,
even if it's not exclusive or, like, more casual.
Lynn, are you okay? You look like you've been
shot. You know, this isn't the sort of thing
you should just be laying out in front, talking
about your personal life. What happens behind
closed doors happens behind closed doors. Or
beaded curtains. We were once animals of the
field. We ran free out in nature. There's nothing
to be ashamed of. You shouldn't be ashamed of
your feelings, of our feelings. Me and Linus
are comfortable having this conversation in front
of people, so I don't think we should be shamed
for that. I have to go put out the mass leaflets.
Oh, Lin. No, no, no. I need to prep for tomorrow's
service. A good day to all of you. I'm so sorry
you all had to see that. Do you mind if I turn
off the music? Oh, absolutely. Would you prefer
something else? You got any Chumbawumba? Or,
you know, Chumbawumba -adjacent music? I will
quietly hunt for something Chumbawumba -adjacent.
Am I saying that right, Chumbawumba? Linus, you
might be able to help us. Do you have any good
luck charms? To like ward off evil spirits or
anything of that nature? I've got a full drawer
full of rabbit's feet. And I think I've got some,
let's see here, I've got some crystals. There
we are. How many rabbit's feet would you like?
Well, four of us, so four. Full rabbit. You're
a funny man, stranger. I like to think so. It's
happening. There we are. That will be... Actually,
you know what? Make it two. Those two can get
their own rabbit feet. Aww. My per diem. Now
that Lynn has stepped outside for the more sensitive
conversation, do you want to continue our conversation?
Sorry, also one of the crystals. One of each.
There you go. I've got my good luck charm, so
I'm happy to head on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Linus,
do you want to know why we're from head to toe
white? No. Flying in the face of good taste,
they decide to kill two birds with one stone
and return to the pub for more Beef Wellington
and to talk to Pranches. Yes, that's for us,
thank you. Three Beef Wellingtons. Honestly,
when you shimmy down me like a ladder, the smell,
Jesus, ow, ow. My God, I think that's why I was
so happy up there, because I was away from the
smell. It's just, it was too much. It's too much.
I thought we had, like, a moment of connection
on the roof. Yeah, we did, but it doesn't stop
the fact, you know, you can love someone even
when they're stinky. You love me? Yeah, I love
all of you. Wow! I love all of you. You love
us? Yeah. Oh, well, we don't think that you're...
weird but we don't I wouldn't say that I love
you yeah I mean even me and Dolan despite the
obvious sexual tension we're just we're colleagues
hold on obvious sexual tension where did this
come from I'm just jostling with you yeah that's
Let's not. You're covered in dog hair and toffee
and beans and dye and you sweat and the ghee
was dirty even before you put it on. This is
a situation of your own making. A lot of this
is a situation of your own making. What on earth
do you mean? I gesture at you up and down, covered
in dye. Everything I've done is for this investigation.
I declare Sylvester's name. Although the more
time I spend with him, the more I think we need
to take him to like a church or exercise him
or something. Sylvester's fine. You leave Sylvester
alone. They get their order in and they get a
big old pint of gravy on the side. And they see
Prontius working his way through his pints again.
He doesn't seem to be as far deep in them as
he was before. Prontius, how are you? Oh, hello,
Sylvester. They're allowing you back in again,
are they? Well, I've got my friends with me and
they know karate. So, yes. What's this? Why are
you dyed white? It's a long, long story. It's
not that long. We fell in a tub of white dye.
Yeah, it wasn't long at all, actually. It was
quite short. Tell you what isn't short, though.
The duration of time that this stuff will wear
off. I've been scrubbing and scrubbing. I've
been in the sink like a bird in a bath. Ah, sure,
I see no problem with it. You both look gorgeous.
Thanks, Pontius. Back in for another round of
beef wellington, is it? And some pigeon pot,
ideally. Oh, absolutely. I want to get those
raps in. So, I have a faint memory of having
seen some of you before here recently with Sylvester.
It was yesterday, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yes. Well, we've got a few more questions
for you now because you know how everything's
been going squiff teeth -wise. Oh, the teeth.
And I know you know about teeth. I mean, yours
are all gone. From Toblerone. Because of the
Toblerones, yes. Which we talked about. But we
were just... My new friends here, we do have
some questions for you. Well, it's clear that
this is more than a passing interest in our plight.
So I'll be honest with you. This isn't the first
time the village has been plagued by such a thing.
What? Let me just lower the dimmer switch here.
Why don't you just go on? People, and perhaps
even I, tend to forget. Now, you can laugh if
you like. Most would. But you hear stories all
your life, see. Roads bent around empty fields
for no sensible reason. Actions that ignorant
folk would refer to as nothing but old superstitions.
But I will tell you this much and I'll tell you
no more. There were people here before us, no
stupider than we are now. Maybe wiser. They knew
that there were some places you do not meddle
with. Because there are old things in this world.
Things that don't think the way we do. Things
that notice disrespect. There is a fort out beyond
the village there. A raised mound of earth and
porn. Not far from the hunting shack. I'll tell
you. No man has ever cut into that land and prospered
after. Now listen to me carefully. The village
thinks Brosnan isn't right in the head. Strange
habits, true. He nails Rowan above the door and
walks the perimeter at night. Fools have laughed
at him too. But it might be that there was method
behind his madness, hmm? Things have stayed quiet
all these years. No children taken, no beasts
opened up in the fields, but now these teeth
are going missing. Prontius, we think that Pierce
Brosnan, we think he's gone. Oh, well I didn't
want to believe it. For if Brosnan is missing,
the village could be in trouble. Teeth are an
old thing. Older than church bells and electric
lights. And I'll tell you, there are things beneath
the ground with older hungers than you or I can
fathom. Things that take teeth. I'm looking for
ownership. You go bothering that fort at night,
and you had best mind yourselves. Don't whistle
near it. Don't thank. Anything you meet there.
And if you hear someone calling your name, don't
you dare answer. What do we do? You must find
Brosnan. Curse these old bones. If I were younger,
I would go with you. Even if we saw him, we wouldn't
recognise him. What age is the guy? I would put
Brosnan at around 65. But a handsome 65. Truth
be told, if you come across anyone out there,
it's most likely to be him. Chances are he may
have that lovely dog with him as well. The dog
bed? At one point I thought, Pierce Brosnan was
sleeping in that dog bed. But I've been humbled
since. If you intend on going to that fort tonight,
I urge you to prepare. At least take with you
a cross of Rowan. I got this hydrochloric acid.
With that, he jams his extensive tongue into
the bottom of the glass to slurp up the last
little bit of head. Next time on The Bad Articles,
our knuckles head off in search of a fairy foot
at the behest of an old man with the longest
tongue I've ever seen in my life. The Bad Articles
is created by J.R. McCormick and Aidan Kelly.
It is produced at Felbryn Studios by the wonderful
Clark Phillips, with additional sounds and voices
from Conleth McVeigh. Starring Laura Conlon,
Patrick Meier, Niall McKenna and Amelia Price.