RPG Major is an actual play like no other. Privatized
Mara, Scion of Sirens, and Aubrey, former Fairy
Queen, solve supernatural mysteries while improvising
songs. Sitting on the front porch of your office
is a wooden xylophone. Oh, no. We don't... No,
we know what xylophones do, Mara. And we're going
to say it at the same time on three. One, two,
three. They turn you into a skeleton and then
you play a ribcage like a xylophone. Right? Right.
I agree. I'll sing along. Nope, that would make
it worse. Combining actual play, musical theater,
and mystery into one cozy package, it's RPG Major.
RPG Major. Last time in the Bad Articles, our
knuckles arrived to the village of Ballybogle
with my dentist, Sylvester, and drank some of
the worst sounding pints I think I've ever heard
of in me life. Stick around to find out what
happens next, unless you're a coward. Since the
dawn of time, Ireland has played host to unimaginable
horrors, ushered in through an ever -wakening
veil between our world and the other side. They
live among us, shaping our mythology, sowing
chaos, scaring the shit out of people. Not all
hope is lost. Underfunded, undergunned and underappreciated,
the OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked
otherworldly chaos. network of brave volunteers
put their lives and their sanity on the line
all for a better tomorrow have you ever gone
head to head in a game of dice with dv jones
only to end up serving as a crewmate upon the
flying dutchman for a hundred years coming back
ashore to find the world changed all your loved
ones dead and gone and the fashion all different
you better call the osna before you find yourself
in the bad articles We fade up on Maddie chatting
to Violet, one of the proprietors of Piper's
Hammers and Beans. A gun! Like a tiny one. A
tiny gun. Like a discreet little tiny, like a
pocket gun. We are running a general store and
we take the word general pretty liberally here.
We try to stock everything. Oh, like a bow and
arrow or something then. Now, I really shouldn't
be doing this. I was going to give it to Maurice
for Christmas. It's, you know, it's mostly decorative.
Oh, okay. Yeah, because he, we've got a terrible
squirrel problem, but he's got a terrible shot.
I quite like the wee things, but he likes to
go out into the garden and he just throws rocks
at them. So I was going to get him this wee gun
so he could go out and just pop wee shots at
it. Now, I know a guy can probably get me another
one. So... I'll tell you this. You seem like
a nice person. Thank you. So do you. And I like
what you two have. I don't know what it is, but
it seems cool. And, you know, I've been in relationships
and they've never worked out, but I like the
vibe that you two have. I'll tell you what it
is. That there's love. Yeah. That's love. Yeah.
Wow. Oof. Maybe that's what all my relationships
have missed. Tiny guns and squirrels. Yeah. Yeah.
And the love that... lies beneath those maybe
dead squirrels. I don't want to do you out of
a Christmas present that you have got. Don't
worry, I've got a few weeks left. It'll be fine.
What if you can't source another, though? Oh,
trust me, my guy can source. Have you seen these
shelves? We've got everything. He can get me
anything I need. All right. I mean, you don't
think I'm a bad person, right? Not to torture
everyone right here and their mother carries
a wee gun. Look, I'll go upstairs and grab it.
You go back to your wee mates and I'll slip it
to you before you leave, alright? Thank you.
I really appreciate that. How much do I owe you?
Well, give me a social rule. 53 under 80. I told
you it's mostly decorative. I'll give this to
you for 20 quid. Right. This is a mad place.
Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no, you have low
balls yourself. I haven't even seen it yet. I
just like your vibe. No, I appreciate that. I
like your vibe as well. How about, and hear me
out on this, 60 pounds, but it's real. I wouldn't
do that for everyone, okay? This is a real gun.
I'm telling you it's a real gun. No, I'm saying
it's real money that I'm giving you. I wouldn't
give everyone real money. I'll take the 60 real
pounds. Yeah, no, I... Oh, I was going to give
you 20 real pounds, but I'm upping you to 60
real pounds. You're really helping me out, and,
you know, it pays for, like, a dinner for you
guys. You know, this is a very intricate shop.
You're probably working a lot of hours, and I
want you guys to get time off as well. You know,
those... You had these pints of BB Guinness?
They're gorgeous, the wee Ballybogle special.
Oh, God. I just walked into the pub, and the
notion took me. I didn't know it was a special,
and... I think I'm a convert for life, but, you
know, put that money towards that for date night.
Maurice calls them daddy Guinnesses, but it's
not sticking. It's a Valley Bogle special. Okay,
yeah. That's so sweet of you. Look, I'll throw
in a few extra wee cans of beans as well. Oh,
you're good. Can I be really cheeky bold and
ask for ones with sausages in it as well? Is
there any other type of can of beans? Yes. You're
my kind of person. Oh, we are friends. She hugs
you and walks upstairs. So, lads, that's three
of the T -shirts, two sets of the high -vis jackets,
and you did want a multi -pack of the high -vis
socks as well, is that correct? Yeah, that sounds
great. Fantastic. It's one size fits all with
the socks, OK? You can utilise them for whatever
purpose you need. Maddy returns and joins her
fellow Knuckles. Oh, cool, high -vis socks. Yeah.
Sir, can I just ask what your most expensive
item might be? It's a freestanding bath. And
how much is that? It's £500. That's not bad.
It's not bad. Yeah, I'll take it. You're going
to take it? Yeah. You want to take the bath?
I want to see you guys do well, yeah. As long
as it doesn't inconvenience you, as long as you
don't have a customer lined up for it. Not in
the slightest. You'll make my year to purchase
that bath. Gideon leaves and he goes into the
pub and he goes, Padder, does the Haunting Lodge
have... A bath? Look at yourself. I know it does.
It's got a lovely, it's got a big clawfoot bath
and it's got a shower and all. It's brilliant.
But it's not freestanding? No. Oh, okay, great.
No, no. What? Yes, it is. It's a clawfoot bath.
It's one of them ones with the wee feet on it.
It is freestanding. Yes. Okay, thanks very much.
Bye. You returned and I've already handed over
the money. Oh yeah, we need two. There's four
of us. What? Sorry, what are you talking about?
No, we did because we're all going to want to
be here at the same time. Oh, no, this is a personal
investment. I'm sorry. I'm assuming Maddie bought
that for her own home. Oh, I thought we were
buying baths for the holiday. Sylvester strides
in. Wait, what? I thought you were walking to
the lodge. I've gone to the lodge and I'm back.
And I was worried. I thought you'd all gone somewhere.
So I went there. I went back. I've checked all
around and I've just come back. God. Okay, I'm
back. What kind of beans do you like, Sylvester?
We're getting an order in. I don't like beans.
I like ones with the spaghetti ones that comes
in. Not the letters, not the oops, the spaghetti.
Oh. I think they probably have that, right? Do
you have that? Of course we have it, Sylvester.
You know very well that we do. I know, I know.
Of course you would need it for all that soft,
soft food. Yes, we would indeed need it, wouldn't
we, Sylvester? I did not steal your food. I'm
sorry, everyone. I feel myself getting very heated
at the minute. I'm going to save what I have
to say for the town hall tomorrow. You can purchase
what you need and I will... Oh, bloody hell,
Maurice. I've known you so long and I never stole
your pre -teeth. I never stole your adult...
teeth. I'm just a man. I'm just a man, a bone
man, but I'm not a man who steals. The three
of us get in the car and start driving away while
the speech is on. As Gideon and Dolan are dragging
that bath out, they start hooking it up on top
of the roof of the car. Violet comes down the
stairs and catches eyes with you, Matty, and
just slips you that wee special parcel. Sylvester,
get you out of this shop. You know me and I know
you, and all will become clear very soon. Right,
Maurice, we're closing, okay? That's it. We're
done. Yes, Violet, I love you. I love you too.
Good night. It was nice to meet some of you.
Bye, folks. It was lovely to meet you guys. Thanks
for the T -shirt. We will cut to the four of
you in the car driving down the road. Leaving
the small village of Ballybogle and heading out
on the east road, you pass through a thickly
forested area which hugs the village. The road
right now is only wide enough for one car to
travel at a time. with large lumen trees creating
a canopy so thick it blocks out the evening sun.
When you finally emerge on the other side of
the tree line, you spot a turnoff to the right,
quickly coming upon a small shack sitting within
a little forest glade. It's a wee bit evil dead,
but you reckon it must be the place McSlug was
talking about. At first glance, you'd call this
more of a hut than a top -line hunting lodge.
It's both rickety and dishevelled, with only
a single ground floor. It has one door, one chimney
and an outhouse next to the log shed for your
ablutions. There's an old woodcutter's axe wedged
into a stump of a long dead oak tree alongside
a bunch of as yet unprocessed wood. There are
four single mattresses flung around outside.
They're clattered in moss and general outside
stuff. You can't seem to see through any of the
small windows dotted around the place. But the
front door is ajar. I've dibs on the bath. I'm
sleeping in the bath. Okay, that's no problem.
I really thought that, you know, it was going
to be a bit more livable. I mean, I suppose we're
getting it for free. I thought Sylvester was
in the bath at the top. No, I got freaked out
and I jumped out. Sorry. What freaked you out?
The speed. I was going 14 miles an hour. And
you must have been going at the same speed if
you were keeping up. Yeah, well, you know, it's
the stride. I've got a long stride. So it's just
nice to be here, isn't it? Nice to be in the
open. Well, let's have a look inside and see
what kind of state it's in. Well, we were pre
-warned that there could be a deceased individual
in here. Kind of a wellness check. I didn't assume
someone was literally dead. No, no, no. Nobody
in town has seen him. Well, I suppose now gives
all the more reason for me to go inside and check.
Oh, you're going first, are you? Yeah, I suppose
so. Okay. Dolan, I'll back you up. Gideon and
Dolan stride towards the porch. As they step
up onto the wooden porch, can I please have an
awareness roll or an art roll? 65 over 40. For
art? For awareness. Okay. 49 over 40. 90 over
60 for art. 26 over 20. No, you walk up, you
see the door is very much ajar. There doesn't
appear to be any lights on inside, but you don't
hear any noise. Hello? Hello, does anyone remember
the guy's name? Don't say that out loud. Someone
from the pub asked us to check if you're okay,
if you're here. You do not hear any response
coming from inside the cabin. I try the light
switches. You walk on in. Upon entering the shack,
you're immediately hit with the unmistakable
stench of animal innards. It's like a butcher's
in July. In the main room, there's a knackered
old couch that might once have been pleasant,
a wood -fire stove that hasn't seen a lick of
anti -back in forever, and a bunch of bundled
blankets on the floor absolutely clattered in
hair. Suddenly, the mattresses outside make sense,
as you see two bunk beds which have been repurposed
as indoor drying racks. Your keen nostrils also
pick up the smell of dog, while your eyes notice
the walls are unadorned with anything decorative.
Everything here seems to serve a purpose, a gross,
manky purpose. Oh, it's like literally a hunting
lodge. This is disgusting. This is worse than
that guy's house. Yep, there's all dried herbs
hanging from low ceiling beams, there's pots
and pans dangling from hooks on the walls, and
a big bucket of sticks sitting next to the stove.
Right, well, there's no one here. Yeah, no, I
mean, it sounds like the man's gone off to deep
end. This is like, he's just... Been living here
and hunting animals and tanning them. Crazy.
Where would he sleep? Is there an attic in this
place? There is not an attic in this place. It's
just a wee one -story building. Is there any
roof space? No, it's just like a gabled roof
with exposed beams, which might actually look
quite nice if you put a wee bit of effort into
the place. I was trying to work out if there
was anywhere I could climb. You could probably
climb up onto the beams if you wanted, like,
hop and grab and pull yourself up, but it wouldn't
really be a storage space. I don't know if that's
giving me anything, yeah. It'd probably impress
your friends. Matty, what are you looking up
there for? You've got a wistful look about you.
Like you're thinking of being a child. It's just
nice to stretch and, you know, fantasize about
maybe saving my friends' lives. Are we in danger?
It kind of feels like we could be. Have you seen
this place? It's scary. You're saying I'm ominous.
That is the most ominous thing I've ever heard.
I'm not saying this, Sylvester. You're not saying
we're all going to die, but you're fantasizing
about saving us. You can fantasize about things
that won't happen. That's why they're fantasies.
Anyway, I've got a bit of a sore back and I wanted
to stretch. Whoa, you can almost reach that beam
up there. Here, here. I'll just... I'll help
your core perform. Ready? Ready? One, two, three.
No, your baby hands have touched me enough. Give
me an agility roll to see if you can grab onto
the beam as your friends launch into the air.
55 over 40. You're about to go arse over tea
kettle. Can I have a preservation roll? But it's
80%, so if you roll under 80, you won't fall
on your arse. Shit. 56. Oh, you stumble a wee
bit, but you manage to steady yourselves as you
hit the ground again and grab onto your mates.
That was pretty good. It was pretty good. Sorry
I couldn't grab it. That was scary. You know,
that was a bit fun, wasn't it? Getting so high
up. Who's next? It was fun, but I don't know
what it would have been. Watch this. I'm going
to do a backflip with my gi. Oh, what's this?
That'll be an agility roll. Bloody hell. You're
not going to believe this. It's 76 over 20. Oh,
Jesus. Oh, I landed on my beans. Gideon, I'm
going to ask for a preservation roll with that.
It's 15. Ah. Oh. Yeah, you go to backflip and
you flick your head back as hard as you can,
but your feet barely leave the ground. You effectively
do a very small vertical leap while staring at
the ceiling. I would argue it's depressing to
see. Thank you. Thank you. No, we're not clapping
that, Maddie. I'm not clapping that. Ten. Thank
you, Maddie. You landed on your feet. I'm just
glad you didn't get hurt. Dolan, you got any...
Hey, what do you got? Jump. On my bad leg. Hop.
I'm not hopping. High five. I'm not a performing
monkey here. I'm not going to do a trick. It's
worth a shot. Sylvester, you got any moves? I
can do the splits. And I don't want to take you
out at the ankle. So just be careful. Right,
everyone move back. I need four metres. Four
metres? Look at these legs. I can't take my eyes
off them. I would say you're like 80 % legs.
Ready? Okay. Right. I'm going to count down.
One, two, three. Can I have an agility roll,
Sylvester, to see if you truly can do the splits
with your massive legs? 85. As your legs begin
to spread, they get maybe about a foot and a
half apart and you start to wobble. You're about
to fall face first into the ground. Can I have
a preservation roll? So this, you're going to
roll and I think get under 80. 27. Ah, you managed
to catch yourself and it almost looks like you're
doing a slightly splayed leg press up. Oh, well,
you know. That was a bit embarrassing, but thank
you. Thank you. Good effort. You know, I was
surprised. I was quite warmed up. I'd literally,
like, run, well, walked, you know, a couple of,
quite a few miles there. So, quite surprised
it didn't work. But, you know, it's nice to just,
you know, show your tricks, show your stuff.
In the midst of backing up for that somewhat
underwhelming display, Dolan, you have sort of...
Reared yourself towards the cooking stove. You
spot a large cauldron. There's like a pestle
and mortar beside it. Can I have an art roll
or a survival roll? 77 over 20. Aye, there's
all sorts of stuff here. There's like floating
shelves above and a bunch of jars. Gideon peers
over Dolan's shoulder in a chummy way. And I
want to make an art roll. Yes, you can. Give
me that art roll. Come on, collage. Oh, it's,
what is that, 15? Under 60. You reckon that whoever
lives here has been making their own wee rubs
and like mixtures of herbs and spices, like some
kind of survivalist Wolfgang Puck. The stove
itself is stone cold, but on the shelves you
see these jars. It looks like it's a lot of locally
grown herbs. You'd expect that this stuff's been
foraged, not bought. There's rosemary, there's
thyme, there's parsley, there's sage. But these
look primarily like cooking herbs that you would
see. Sylvester, you notice there's a jar in there
with some, what look like little small off -white
pebbles. Those are teeth. You know teeth anywhere.
You could spot them a mile away. Oh my. Oh no.
You'll never believe this. Right. Look. Look
at that. Look at that. What do you think that
is? Can I have a first aid roll from you? With
advantage. Absolutely. Four? A closer investigation
of these teeth. You know they've been split up
because there's more than one jar there. There
are incisors, canines, premolars and molars that
have all been separated out. But you definitely
know they're not human. These are animal teeth.
Right. You won't believe this. You guys know
I know teeth. And I've seen teeth of all... Yeah,
we know. I've seen teeth of all people of all
places. And of animals of all... and breathe.
You won't believe this. Can you stop rattling
the jar, please? What's wrong? It's fascinating,
the sound of it. This is why I got into this
profession. Unsettling. I know it wasn't you,
but the fact that you're shaking the jar, thank
you. Right, I'll put it down. I'm going to just
pour a few out. Right, look at that one. You
won't find that in a human mouth. From nowhere
or nobody. That's not a human tooth. That's a
fox's tooth. And this one, not in the same jar.
This one, the one of a cow. Can you tell if these
teeth were pulled out or the manner in which
they were removed? Yes, indeed. I'm going to
ask for another first aid roll from you with
advantage. 23. You see, just beside them, there's
basically pliers and stuff hanging next to the
wall. You could probably use these as rudimentary
surgical or dental tools. So you'd guess that
these have been properly yanked out of the mouths
of these animals. It's not like they fell out.
It's not like they've been collected. Now, they
weren't working in, you know, some sort of dental
studio like yourself, but they have indeed been
removed by human hands. Well, that's rather horrifying,
but it does imply that. However, these teeth
I retrieved seem to be different from the rest
of the teeth. There's no sign of injury or...
No, no, but if you get an adept enough dentist...
Like you. Right, now you are accusing me. No,
you're accusing yourself, Sylvester. You said
like me. Like me as in my calibre. Yeah. Oh,
yeah, it was a compliment. Sorry, guys. Just
cool it. I'm touchy. I'm touchy. People accuse
me of stealing their teeth and I never even stole
their teeth. Right, I won't go on about it. I
won't go on about it. I won't go on about it.
We will be asking you, throughout this journey,
we will be asking you questions about teeth and
their removal. I assume we're not accusing you
unless we explicitly accuse you. I'm a touchy
man. It's understandable. It's understandable.
Okay, well. We're in some sort of horror cabin
in the woods. But if you're adept enough, even
the animal might not know. They might be sleeping.
you never know you could get in there and get
it out quickly as anything I mean I was really
hoping you would say there's no way that a human
could have done this and then we could have just
immediately moved on to alternative practices
but now we have to consider that there's a second
equally skilled dentist in this town no well
I doubt that I have wondered do you do your own
dental work no I trust no one else with my teeth
but me So you do do your own dental work? No,
I don't do any dental work. So you just leave
them? Yeah. They're ambient. Yeah. No, but I
drink a lot of milk. I drink a lot of milk. I
floss. I tongue scrape. Do you brush them? I
brush them, yeah. Do you do that oil pool thing?
I do oil pulling. Bathroom. bleach on my teeth.
That seems to work quite well. Three minutes
later. Okay, that's good. That's good. You notice
that there are little piles around the room.
Little piles of planks of wood. Can I have an
engineering or an investigation role? Oh, I'll
have a go. 11 under 40. 66 under 80. Maddy and
Dolan, looking at these piles of wood, you sort
of, you take a few tentative steps over and you
walk over and you do realise they're underneath
the windows. And you pull apart the curtains
and you realise the reason you couldn't see through
the windows from the outside is not because these
curtains were closed. It turns out that these
planks of wood have been nailed on the inside.
There's only wee slivers of moonlight coming
through. So it looks like someone's been nailing
these windows shut. The door has not been nailed
shut, but there is wood beside it. That's concerning.
That feels like someone hasn't finished a job,
maybe? It seems like they were. Well, quite clearly
they're spare. they were barricading I suppose
what were they barricading from is my concern
right now I'm going outside as you're walking
towards the door inside over the interior entryway
you see that there's a horseshoe above the door
it's pointing upwards and is nailed in with seven
iron nails can I have a supernatural roll 61
over 20 80 fail also fail also fail aye It's
a nice wee decorative horseshoe, and it's nailed
above that door. Lovely. I go outside. Yeah,
I'm thinking exactly the same thing as you. I
look up at the sky, see what the moon's doing.
You know, I'm actually going to follow him as
well, because I'm worried about him. You walk
outside. Aye, the moon, it ain't full, if that's
what you're asking. Well, that would be bad writing,
eh, Dolan? You think it's a werewolf? Well, it
ain't a werewolf. Okay. Wait. Were you hoping
it was a full moon and then we know it's a werewolf?
I'm confused. What was your theory? Are you guys
talking about werewolves out there? We are talking
about werewolves. I just thought it might be
a werewolf. Dolan, you've come so far. Yeah,
I mean, I suggested too far earlier on. I'm sort
of opening up today. Well, why don't we consider
that, you know, like it could maybe be a werewolf.
Who steals teeth? Yeah, we don't know what werewolves
do. document of it. I mean, there were signs
of witchcraft as well. May I have, if you're
all standing outside here staring up at the moon,
can I have another survival or supernatural rule
from any of you? 56 over 20. 26 over 20. 17 under
20. Hanging from the awning on the little porch
bit out the front, you spot a relatively well
-known twist of rowan branches wrapped in red
thread at the centre, so it's an equal -armed
cross. But you know that it's also known as St
Andrew's Cross. They're common enough symbols
in folklore, but they're renowned for warding
off witchcraft and malevolent spirits. So they're
normally placed as some sort of protective charm.
And that's on the outside of the house? It's
sort of hanging on the outside. You also, now
that you're thinking about it, back inside while
you were getting yoiked up in the air to grab
onto them rafters, there were a few of them hanging
from the rafters as well. Okay, so it kind of
feels like someone has maybe made an escape or
been removed. This guy, whoever he is... Was
consistent to Potter and hasn't shown face for
a little while and clearly believes in some bunch
of stuff. Was getting a little bit worried maybe
about maybe his own well -being being inflicted
on the others or something coming for him. Some
kind of curse? Kind of feels like he's throwing
a lot of things at... the wall so I don't know
if there's one specific thing that he's covering
for I think if it is seems pretty spooky and
it's awful late so maybe we do what you suggested
and board up there Picking up where whoever has
once lived here before, you start nailing boards
up to the door and finishing off the job that
this person had done on the windows. You have
securely locked yourself in and you bed down
for what will probably be a very uncomfortable
night's sleep. I turn to Dolan and I say, I know
what you're thinking. Can I show you, you don't.
You're thinking, you're thinking, I'm watching
here with you. But you're locked in here with
me, and then he starts tickling you. I slap him.
I slap his hands out, and I think I ball up a
fist, but I don't punch. In the dark, Dolan just
holds a tin of beans above my head. Puts it down.
We fade to black on this disturbing tableau of
Dolan with a little clenched fist and Gideon
holding a can of beans menacingly. The following
morning, you awaken. Probably somewhat later
than you would have expected, given that there
was no sunlight shining in through these windows,
and you realise you're a little bit late for
the meeting. You pry the boards off the door
with the hammer that you found in this here shack,
and you make your way back into the village of
Ballybogle, and you head towards the large church
building, attached to which is the village hall.
This place is absolutely buzzing. It's about
10 to 11. The entire village square is littered
with parked cars, despite the village containing
everything you'd need within a very short walking
distance. Streams of people are entering the
building, and as you fold yourselves into the
mass, you walk through the double doors and find
yourself in what can only be described as a school
gymnasium. It has those squeaky wooden floors
with a bit of ounce in them, and on the right
-hand side of the hall is a grandstand of modular
bleacher seating. It is facing towards an array
of athletics equipment, behind which are seated
around 30 kids in different attire. As you take
your seats and you spot some of the kids holding
juggling batons, one of them has a top hat on
and is holding a white stuffed bunny rabbit.
A few others are dressed in similar tracksuits
and appear to be sitting together. Suddenly,
the knocking of a loud gavel rings out through
the hall and you turn your heads 90 degrees to
see a tall, lion -maned man in a suit with a
well -groomed beard. He spreads his arms ceremoniously
and clears his throat. Welcome, proud parents
of Ballybogle, to this, our biannual gymnastics
and talent competition. I'm your judge, Mayor
John, and I hope you're all as excited as I am
to see what the little ones have in store for
us today. Now, most of yous are aware that the
hall will be in dual use to host a town meeting
at the same time. I've got two weeks in Costa
del Sol booked on that new teletext feature,
and we leave tomorrow morning, so we need to
get this done and dusted. Kids, yous far away.
and I'd be keeping one eye on you, all right?
Now, blow my mind. All right, proud parents.
First up, we have Matthew, who'll be performing
some gymnastics for us. A round of applause for
Matthew. Without missing a beat, you see the
first child step on out and grab hold of a pommel
horse. Two excited parents at the back of the
bleachers begin clapping wildly as the boy hikes
himself up onto the thing and starts firing his
legs around like mad. The gavel rings out again
and almost scares the young fellow off his game.
But you spin your head 90 degrees back again
to see Mayor John readdressing the crowd. Very
good, Matthew. You're like a turbine. Someone
stick a battery into this kid. Ten out of ten.
Now, for the rest of you, I believe we have some
accusations to... Sorry, excuse me. Reaching
into his large pinstripe jacket, Mayor John pulls
out an enormous mobile phone and telescopically
extends the large aerial. I'm at the town hall,
sure with the talent competition on and the bloody
meeting. No, of course I care. Well, have you
tried sitting on it? Amanda, they'll have hair
dryers at the hotel. I am calm. I just don't
understand why you'd need two. I am calm. I love
you too. Yes, I promise, no meat on the holiday.
I'm going full vegetarian for you. All right,
full vegan. No one suspects a thing. I'm on the
way. Placing the phone back into his inner pocket,
Mayor John flashes a snake oil smile to the crowd
and allows the panic to wash over him briefly.
I... I'm afraid there's been an emergency. I
need to go. But I leave you in the keepable hands
of... His eyes trace through the crowd as all
of the parents go wide -eyed at the prospect
of getting to judge the competition themselves.
Mayor John winces at his conundrum before landing
his gaze on the three of you. In the capable
hands of these three impartial strangers and
the dentist they wrote in on. Jolly good. The
room erupts in thunderous objections as the mayor
makes his way to the front door. Feigning a smile
and false empathy for the situation, he turns
with a bow and bids farewell. Sure, all of the
children of Ballybogle will make us proud. And
that the meeting goes well. Adios. With all eyes
on you, you'd better get up to that podium. There
are children waiting to impress you. Oh, Dolan
goes up to the podium, I think, quite confidently.
Dolan strides confidently up to the podium, picks
up the gavel. Are you two joining it? Oh, yeah,
we're like trailing along behind. Maddie has
an idea, but follows along for now. I guess I
bang the gavel. You bang the gavel as the parents
here in the crowd are not happy. You're a bunch
of blow -ins, and these kids have been working
very hard. Now, I know you don't know us from
Adam, but I can assure you, will be impartial,
and quite possibly the only ones here who can
be. And these are quite clearly very talented
kids, and we're all very eager to see their performances.
So I think we should all go on ahead with the
show. Quite clearly we've been working hard,
and we want to give them a proper opportunity,
so no complaining from any of the parents, all
right? The crowd once again erupts with protests.
I bang the gavel. You bang the gavel. Now we
won't be having any of this here. You're ruining
the kids' day. A familiar voice from last night
pipes up. Here, here. No, look, the kid's already
had a wee go, all right? He said we're jewel
-booked, okay? We'll go one about. And look,
Maurice, you have something to say, don't you?
We're going to deal with this tooth situation
once and for all. I have something to say. Yes,
hello, fine people of Ballybogle. I'm Maurice
Piper. You know me well. That's my wife, Violet.
Hello. I stand before you today as a proud biller,
a proud, oh God, a proud pillar, not a biller,
I sound like an idiot. Don't worry, love, don't
worry. A proud pillar of the Ballybogle community.
Without Piper's hammers and beans, where would
you get your cans of tuna? Your paracetamol?
Your fresh socks? and chainsaw blades. Put your
trust in me to keep this town stocked, so put
it in me now. What? Your trust. We accuse Linus
Mawinney. You accuse Linus Mawinney. I accuse
Linus Mawinney. The man is strange. He comes
from a big city. He's fairly new in town and
he works nights. He probably uses teeth for all
sorts of weird rituals and he has lingering long
stares at wives. He's a charlatan and he doesn't
go to church. And I've said my piece and thank
you so much. Please continue to use Piper's Hammers
and Beans. Sit down, love your embarrassing yourself.
I love you. I love you too. Thank you very much,
Maurice. That was wonderfully put. Thank you,
Dylan. We're not going to discourage accusations
of this nature. Well, you know, I'm just happy
that it's... Of course you're happy. I am, yeah.
Literally, I've never been so happy in my life.
Where's Linus Mawinney? Is it that sweating man
there? Linus Mone is not here today, sir, because,
as I said, he works... Sorry for calling you
sweaty, sir. Sorry for calling you sweaty, sir.
Apologies. That's perfectly acceptable. No, not
you, Maurice. The man behind you. That's sweaty,
Dave, and he would not take it as an offence.
Don't worry. I don't mind. It's fine. It's perfectly
out of those. As you all know, I love you all.
Love you too, Maurice. And I hope that you take
my accusation very seriously. Linus Mone, I do
not like him. I think he steals teeth. He does
some sort of weird Eastern medicine. Oh, there's
a kid over there trampolining. Yeah, I think
this is a... You spoke your piece, Morris. Let's
leave it at that. Oh, look at that kid bounce.
Yeah, let's look at the weigh -ins. Okay, okay.
Okay, Pride parents, please keep up that feisty
energy as you put your hands together for our
next talented tot, Tommy Lee. A skinny wee fella,
no more than eight years of age, walks into the
space cleared at the far end of the hall that's
serving as the stage for this talent show. Dragging
behind him is a pillowcase, which he proceeds
to empty onto the floor. An array of cuddly toys
spills out onto the hardwood before he tears
open his school shirt, revealing a breadth to
the hitman heart vest. This young lad then showcases
some surprisingly accurate wrestling moves on
this assortment of cuddleables, landing suplex
after suplex on a stuffed elephant before chokeslamming
a crocheted representation of Postman Pat. Bellowing
as loud as his pre -teen lungs will let him,
he screams, the best there is, the best there
was, and the best there will ever be. before
taking a bow and stuffing his battery toys back
into the pillowcase and shuffling off. Woo! That
was brilliant. Hell yeah! That was incredible.
We should get that kid to do soft glass glasses.
I mean, I could see that. That's a contender
for the belt if I've ever seen one. Hey, guys,
I don't know. I want to run something past you.
Just, you know, slightly away. Yeah, sure, that's
covered. Folks, give us just one second. Just
one moment while the judges convene. So... These
guys don't really like us. These parents, they
don't like us. Right? Yeah, no. The townspeople
don't know. Dolan's Charm? I mean, they'll never
like any judge or teacher. That's just part of
the territory. Well, okay. Then I was thinking
that, you know, maybe we could lean into this
kind of rivalry a bit more. You know, we're the
out -of -towners. We're the unknowns. And these
people like their, you know, youth sports scenes.
I know that I'm not... young as these kids are
you suggesting you entered a children's talent
show i kind of really want to yeah i i feel like
this is my time to shine and i'm just really
inspired by these kids so i just want to give
something to go i was thinking ribbon but you
know whenever i'm out there let's see what happens
there's a pommel horse you know there's rings
i could maybe do a summer song we can see what
happens i don't know if you know people would
think favorably of that generally um but i'm
just kind of inspired and i just have this real
fire in me to perform for these people Well,
why don't you two go and, like, try out? Oh,
thanks for coming behind the judges' table, by
the way. I'm sorry, you didn't... I've been here
the entire time. Sylvester has indeed been there
the entire time. The four of yous are all huddling
together and there is a room of people watching.
You're very quiet. I know, I know. Like, I'm
a man who's quite tall, but so easily overlooked.
Anyway, I think you guys should go and try that.
I really do think you'd do really well, I think.
And then we can sort out the whole teeth thing
because, you know, people aren't really suspecting
me anymore, turns out. You know, you actually
put that in a way that appeals to me a lot more.
Yeah, you two keep busy with the Children's Talent
Show and we'll try and solve the supernatural
mystery. Yeah, let's clear my name. Yeah, I do
want to clear your name. Excuse me, excuse me.
Yes, thanks for putting up your hand. Oh, you're
very welcome. Hello. My name is Lynn. Hello,
sinners. Oh, no. Uh -oh. I play... We did cut
off Maurice when we thought it was getting dicey.
We will do the same again. I don't judge anyone.
Only God judges people. I play keyboard for the
church. I light the candles, I hoover, I mop,
I teach the Sunday school. And quite frankly,
this situation, I blame the lot of you. This
woman points at every other person in the auditorium.
She doesn't really point at you, because you're
a new. For the sins of vanity and lying, adultery,
speaking out against elders. Rubbing your mucky
shoes all over the pews. Listen, this smoke show
can't help suggesting everyone who sees adultery
isn't that bad. I am faithful to my wife. It's
literally in the only book I've ever read. It's
bad. What's that? Adultery. Adultery? Yes. It's
on one of the first pages. Or maybe, like, a
bit into it. You haven't read the Bible at all?
I have. I read it so much, I don't even remember
what page I'm on. Convenient. Alright, so your
accusation is against every single person in
this room? Yes, this is a punishment from God.
And as you can see, not a single one of my teeth
have been taken. Alright, so that's one vote
for Linus Mahini. What's your name? And one vote
for everyone in this room. My name's Lin. This
isn't Linus. Lin who? Lin Bradwell. No, I'm saying
Maurice voted for Linus. We're not doing a vote.
And I vote for everyone. Can I also say, this
is looking quite good so far. I thought there
would be more votes for Sylvester. I am literally
flabbergasted. I'm sorry, Sylvester can attest
to this. I have excellent dental hygiene, don't
I? You have fantastic dental hygiene. I know
you have a lot of calcium in your diet, you floss,
you oil pull, you tongue scrape, and your bloody
brush. Well, I hope all the kids who are listening
have some valuable information in this. Hello
again, proud parents and accusers. Please clap
your flippers for the semi -aquatic stylings
of Dry, Dry, Dry, the country's first and only
dry -synchronized swimming team. To thunderous
applause, eight boys and girls take center stage,
all dressed in a variety of swimwear with matching
red swim caps. With the first notes of a legally
distinct song that sounds a little bit like Billy
Ray Cyrus' icky breaky heart play over the tannoy,
all eight of the kids drop to the floor and begin
to perform what is certainly the driest synchronised
swimming performance you have ever seen. Awkwardly
shuffling around on the floor on their backs
and bellies, waving their arms around like they're
gliding through the water. The hall is filled
with the sorts of sounds that usually accompany
a friction burn. As the song reaches its climax,
seven of the performers shimmy their way around
the tallest girl and encircle her. And in a move
that surprises absolutely everyone in the room,
they lift her aloft, balancing on the hands of
her classmates. She lets out a wobbly before
dismounting. A smattering of applause sweeps
through the audience. I don't think we can follow
that. No, I had an idea. I know I feel like they're
just going to think that I'm copying. Was it
that idea? No, I wanted us to do the bolero.
Torvalin Dean's Olympic winning routine. The
bolero. Yeah, but not on ice, on grind. Okay.
Warm bolero. Warm bolero. Yeah, they're just
going to think that we're copying the synchronized
swimmers. Dolan, can you get a chant going? Yeah,
Dolan, can you get it? Oz. Do you two have a
name? Well, Gadi or Midian, your choice. I think,
like, Midian's cooler. Midian? Sounds like, you
know, a cool band. Oh, right. Herfy. Herfy? Herfy.
Oh, yeah, I get it. So... Herfy. Mubble. Mubble.
Sorry, are you guys going to perform right now?
Yeah, we're going to do it. What is the name?
You know what? I've forgotten the name. It doesn't
matter. Mubble. Can I please have a social roll
from you? With advantage, because you both have
a gavel and a microphone. Let's see if you chanting
Mubble over and over and over again will get
some of the crowd to turn your way. 73, that's
not going to do it. 76. Just one man going, Marble,
Marble, Marble. You know what? I think it fails
because I do it half -heartedly. I'm kind of
going, Marble, Marble, Marble, Marble, Marble,
Marble, Marble. No one joins in in the chant,
but that will not stop you from striding up and
attempting a dance. We've got to get in sync
here. Marble. Three, two, one. Marble. Mubble.
Mubble. Mubble. Mubble. All right, okay, you're
leading for this bit. No, spin? Yes. Okay. Okay,
and then... I will allow the pair of yous either
an art or an agility roll. 75 over 60 for art.
66 over 40 for either of them. So we've taken
our shoes off and we're wearing our socks. Hi,
Viz. Oh, delicious. Are you still wearing the
gi? I've been getting... Are you still wearing
the gi? You're wearing the t -shirt on over the
gi. I've been wearing the gi. Covered in dog
hair. I've been wearing the gi for 48 hours.
So that's what I'm wearing. In terms of the dance,
I'll be honest with you, I don't know what it
is. So, Maddie, maybe... Maddie knows most of
both parts of the routine, can obviously only
execute one of them, and has sheer belief that
through eye contact that they can convey what
the move is and what the movements should be
with some slight corrections of like, no, over
there, no, you're leading this part, no, you
have to lift me. How's we go? I land on my back.
Because you keep throwing yourself under the
bus, I'm going to have a preservation vote from
you for landing on your back. I had another tin
of beans. This is 60%. Well, it's less than 20
is what it is. Despite this being an absolute
shambles, you do manage to not fall on your arse
and kind of make it look like you're doing some
sort of excellent dismount from a throne. Wow,
that was great. But will it work for the judges?
Hubble. Hubble. Hubble. No, no, we can stop.
No one applauds. I just can't go on. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. We are regulars in Rathgool.
Come and see us sometime at White's Tavern. Well,
isn't that nice? They seem to have been inspired
by that synchronised dancing routine and done
quite clearly something very similar to that.
Sorry, no, I'd like to speak. What's your name?
My name's Alexander Little. Hi, everyone. How
are you? Sure, you know me. I own the Sweet Tooth,
the sweet shop in the centre of the village.
Come on, Charizander, as you all sorted out.
Now, as you all well know, I've been making my
own saltwater taffy. Something to appeal to all
the yanks that are going to pass through here,
you know. And I heard there's a Canadian coming
soon. But I was working on something special,
right, the other day, like stars and stripes
in taffy form, like a big chewable flag, for
sharing amongst families, you know. Now, I gather
all my water at the on stream near the textile
factory. And when I tell you the suites were
a bit off, that's an understatement. Never experienced
anything as sticky in all my life. And red, white
and blue, try purple, orange and grey. Whatever
chemicals the on woman is using can't be good
for you. Probably dissolving the teeth right
there in people's mouths. So I left. I went up,
right? I went up in the middle of the night and
I left a big whole batch of that taffy on her
doorstep at the factory. And she's welcome to
it. People say sweets are bad, but you say sweets
are bad, don't you? I say that every day. Oh,
come on, sure. You need to have a wee bit of
fun in your life. I keep you in business. No,
my bit of fun is having functional teeth. All
of them. Alexander, why are you saying this at
a town hall meeting? What's going on? Look, I
think people's teeth are falling out because
of what your woman, Man Oonan, she's running
that textile factory. She's pumping all sorts
of nonsense. All sorts of nonsense into the water
to play here. I know that water in this part
of the country can come out brown. It can be
cloudy. But I normally like that taste. There's
something in the water. It's weird. I don't like
it. I don't like it. And it's her fault. You
don't see me flushing stuff down my toilet. No.
You don't flush anything down your toilet. I
flush the usual stuff down the toilet. Sidebar,
please. I think we should do a do -over, I think.
Oh, a do -over? Yeah, sweet, let's go. Let's
go. Can you try again? Absolutely not. Okay,
sweet. All right. Oh, it's a one for an art roll.
Wait, what's happening? I thought you were saying
we should do a do -over. As in we should dance
again? I'm out there on the floor. I know. Can
that man please get off the floor? Because it's
the moment you've all been waiting for. But it
was a one. It's a natural one. It's time to pop
and lock with Flo Surrender. No! Gideon is cutting
an absolute rug. He is graceful as all get out.
But these four young lads come out in their matching
boy brigade sashes and the baggiest jeans available
in Ireland in 1993. One of their mates brings
out a little drum machine and starts bashing
away at the buttons, playing a song that sounds
not dissimilar to Wimp. There it is by Tag Team.
As this legally distinct melody blasts from the
speakers, they start popping and locking like
you wouldn't believe. I swear to you, one of
them moves like an honest -to -God robot. As
each of these wee fellas start spinning on their
heads, it's like someone flicked on an overhead
fan in the room. These boys are moving air, like
watching a bunch of whirling dervishes, but upside
down. There's no doubt about it, this is what
they would likely refer to as dope. Wasn't there,
didn't they mention in... Pipers, hammers and
beans. I think Maurice was talking about somebody.
I don't like you hanging out with someone with
baggy pants. Are these dope kids to blame? Not
to sound like an old man, but are they kids?
I'm going to assume it's not children. There's
so many leads. No, because he said that person,
I think there's eight of those children, you
know. Must be someone else, surely. I would like
to call Maurice to the bench. Hello? Look, if
he's going up, I'm going up with him, alright?
That seems appropriate. Hold my hand, love. Please
approach the bench. I've got you. And you've
got me. Always. Always. I love you. Um, Maurice,
you said earlier about someone with baggy pants.
Yes, that was Linus Mulwaney, the man I accused.
Oh, that makes a lot of sense. All right, off
you go. No, I'm sorry. No, no, no. While we're
up here, we're talking about water and sweets
and God. Why is no one accusing the obvious person
in the room? I'm looking at you. Come on. How
can I have conversations about teeth? Sylvester,
do not speak. The crowd erupts. No, no, I will
speak. I will speak. I've been in this town for
many years and I left for a bit to pursue a dream
I should never have had. It was a nightmare.
But now I've been here for years and I've tried
to serve all of you best I can. It's not me doing
this to your teeth. It's not me, but we must
find out who did or what did. Together we can
come up with a solution, but it mustn't be me.
I'd never do such a thing. I love teeth. I'd
never hurt them in such a way. Can I please have
a social role from you? And I'm, you know what?
I'm going to give you advantage because that
was an impassioned speech. And again, you've
got the power of the tannoy speaker system amplifying
your voice. 19. Nineteen. You see some begrudging
nods of acknowledgement sweep across the crowd,
and young Alexander stands up. All right, okay.
Let's see what you can do, but we're watching
you, all right? That mare put you in charge of
solving this problem and picking a winner. So
do that, and then get out there and do the other
thing, right? All right, so currently we have
one vote for Linus. We're not doing that. No,
no, I think... I suppose you can't vote for the
kids. Which kid was best? As someone who knows
about teeth people, the animals... No, no, no,
don't worry, don't worry. That's not on the cards,
don't worry. Assumptive won't let me see the
file on the teeth people. The thing is, we maybe
should think about what Alexander said about
the textile factory. Because as I know, as a
medicine man, is the fact that, you know, what's
been put into the water. If someone ingests something,
sometimes that can affect your teeth. Sylvester,
these are all great points. But at this point,
we do need to judge a local talent competition
for local children. I mean, I feel like that's
the easier one to solve. I think the wrestler
boy. The wrestler boy, yeah. Because I just thought
there's a future in that. I think really show
Postman Pat who's boss. We have different reasons,
but I think we're on the same page. How about
you two? Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy.
Without even having to announce it, the entire
crowd began chanting Tommy's name. And guess
who comes out for an encore? Next time on The
Bad Articles, join our knuckles and my dentist
as they investigate a potentially evil textile
factory and chat to a fellow who wears baggy
trousers like Aladdin. The Bad Articles is created
by J .R. McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It is produced
at Felbryn Studios by the wonderful Clark Phillips
with additional sounds and voices from Conleth
McVeigh. Starring Laura Conlon. Patrick Meier,
Niall McKenna, and Amelia Price.