WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.179 RPG Major is an actual play like no other. Privatized 00:00:05.179 --> 00:00:08.980 Mara, Scion of Sirens, and Aubrey, former Fairy 00:00:08.980 --> 00:00:12.980 Queen, solve supernatural mysteries while improvising 00:00:12.980 --> 00:00:15.880 songs. Sitting on the front porch of your office 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:19.250 is a wooden xylophone. Oh, no. We don't... No, 00:00:19.329 --> 00:00:21.710 we know what xylophones do, Mara. And we're going 00:00:21.710 --> 00:00:24.410 to say it at the same time on three. One, two, 00:00:24.530 --> 00:00:26.910 three. They turn you into a skeleton and then 00:00:26.910 --> 00:00:30.329 you play a ribcage like a xylophone. Right? Right. 00:00:30.550 --> 00:00:33.270 I agree. I'll sing along. Nope, that would make 00:00:33.270 --> 00:00:36.009 it worse. Combining actual play, musical theater, 00:00:36.149 --> 00:00:40.530 and mystery into one cozy package, it's RPG Major. 00:00:41.549 --> 00:01:04.560 RPG Major. Last time in the Bad Articles, our 00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:06.340 knuckles arrived to the village of Ballybogle 00:01:06.340 --> 00:01:08.739 with my dentist, Sylvester, and drank some of 00:01:08.739 --> 00:01:10.700 the worst sounding pints I think I've ever heard 00:01:10.700 --> 00:01:13.040 of in me life. Stick around to find out what 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:16.500 happens next, unless you're a coward. Since the 00:01:16.500 --> 00:01:19.920 dawn of time, Ireland has played host to unimaginable 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:22.879 horrors, ushered in through an ever -wakening 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:26.180 veil between our world and the other side. They 00:01:26.180 --> 00:01:30.120 live among us, shaping our mythology, sowing 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:34.819 chaos, scaring the shit out of people. Not all 00:01:34.819 --> 00:01:38.640 hope is lost. Underfunded, undergunned and underappreciated, 00:01:38.760 --> 00:01:41.780 the OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked 00:01:41.780 --> 00:01:45.390 otherworldly chaos. network of brave volunteers 00:01:45.390 --> 00:01:48.230 put their lives and their sanity on the line 00:01:48.230 --> 00:01:50.569 all for a better tomorrow have you ever gone 00:01:50.569 --> 00:01:52.469 head to head in a game of dice with dv jones 00:01:52.469 --> 00:01:54.430 only to end up serving as a crewmate upon the 00:01:54.430 --> 00:01:56.829 flying dutchman for a hundred years coming back 00:01:56.829 --> 00:01:59.030 ashore to find the world changed all your loved 00:01:59.030 --> 00:02:01.250 ones dead and gone and the fashion all different 00:02:01.250 --> 00:02:04.829 you better call the osna before you find yourself 00:02:04.829 --> 00:02:10.990 in the bad articles We fade up on Maddie chatting 00:02:10.990 --> 00:02:13.250 to Violet, one of the proprietors of Piper's 00:02:13.250 --> 00:02:17.789 Hammers and Beans. A gun! Like a tiny one. A 00:02:17.789 --> 00:02:20.469 tiny gun. Like a discreet little tiny, like a 00:02:20.469 --> 00:02:22.909 pocket gun. We are running a general store and 00:02:22.909 --> 00:02:25.789 we take the word general pretty liberally here. 00:02:25.789 --> 00:02:28.090 We try to stock everything. Oh, like a bow and 00:02:28.090 --> 00:02:30.840 arrow or something then. Now, I really shouldn't 00:02:30.840 --> 00:02:32.460 be doing this. I was going to give it to Maurice 00:02:32.460 --> 00:02:35.599 for Christmas. It's, you know, it's mostly decorative. 00:02:35.939 --> 00:02:38.740 Oh, okay. Yeah, because he, we've got a terrible 00:02:38.740 --> 00:02:40.780 squirrel problem, but he's got a terrible shot. 00:02:40.840 --> 00:02:42.599 I quite like the wee things, but he likes to 00:02:42.599 --> 00:02:44.780 go out into the garden and he just throws rocks 00:02:44.780 --> 00:02:47.039 at them. So I was going to get him this wee gun 00:02:47.039 --> 00:02:48.900 so he could go out and just pop wee shots at 00:02:48.900 --> 00:02:52.139 it. Now, I know a guy can probably get me another 00:02:52.139 --> 00:02:57.629 one. So... I'll tell you this. You seem like 00:02:57.629 --> 00:03:01.430 a nice person. Thank you. So do you. And I like 00:03:01.430 --> 00:03:03.569 what you two have. I don't know what it is, but 00:03:03.569 --> 00:03:07.569 it seems cool. And, you know, I've been in relationships 00:03:07.569 --> 00:03:09.409 and they've never worked out, but I like the 00:03:09.409 --> 00:03:11.250 vibe that you two have. I'll tell you what it 00:03:11.250 --> 00:03:13.509 is. That there's love. Yeah. That's love. Yeah. 00:03:13.689 --> 00:03:17.370 Wow. Oof. Maybe that's what all my relationships 00:03:17.370 --> 00:03:23.069 have missed. Tiny guns and squirrels. Yeah. Yeah. 00:03:23.610 --> 00:03:27.629 And the love that... lies beneath those maybe 00:03:27.629 --> 00:03:31.189 dead squirrels. I don't want to do you out of 00:03:31.189 --> 00:03:33.789 a Christmas present that you have got. Don't 00:03:33.789 --> 00:03:35.909 worry, I've got a few weeks left. It'll be fine. 00:03:36.050 --> 00:03:37.889 What if you can't source another, though? Oh, 00:03:37.889 --> 00:03:40.449 trust me, my guy can source. Have you seen these 00:03:40.449 --> 00:03:42.650 shelves? We've got everything. He can get me 00:03:42.650 --> 00:03:45.650 anything I need. All right. I mean, you don't 00:03:45.650 --> 00:03:47.830 think I'm a bad person, right? Not to torture 00:03:47.830 --> 00:03:49.650 everyone right here and their mother carries 00:03:49.650 --> 00:03:52.780 a wee gun. Look, I'll go upstairs and grab it. 00:03:52.819 --> 00:03:55.699 You go back to your wee mates and I'll slip it 00:03:55.699 --> 00:03:58.039 to you before you leave, alright? Thank you. 00:03:58.120 --> 00:04:01.560 I really appreciate that. How much do I owe you? 00:04:02.819 --> 00:04:12.819 Well, give me a social rule. 53 under 80. I told 00:04:12.819 --> 00:04:14.879 you it's mostly decorative. I'll give this to 00:04:14.879 --> 00:04:20.209 you for 20 quid. Right. This is a mad place. 00:04:20.490 --> 00:04:26.170 Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no, you have low 00:04:26.170 --> 00:04:28.269 balls yourself. I haven't even seen it yet. I 00:04:28.269 --> 00:04:30.870 just like your vibe. No, I appreciate that. I 00:04:30.870 --> 00:04:34.149 like your vibe as well. How about, and hear me 00:04:34.149 --> 00:04:37.790 out on this, 60 pounds, but it's real. I wouldn't 00:04:37.790 --> 00:04:39.870 do that for everyone, okay? This is a real gun. 00:04:40.170 --> 00:04:41.689 I'm telling you it's a real gun. No, I'm saying 00:04:41.689 --> 00:04:43.149 it's real money that I'm giving you. I wouldn't 00:04:43.149 --> 00:04:45.310 give everyone real money. I'll take the 60 real 00:04:45.310 --> 00:04:48.170 pounds. Yeah, no, I... Oh, I was going to give 00:04:48.170 --> 00:04:50.490 you 20 real pounds, but I'm upping you to 60 00:04:50.490 --> 00:04:52.569 real pounds. You're really helping me out, and, 00:04:52.649 --> 00:04:55.230 you know, it pays for, like, a dinner for you 00:04:55.230 --> 00:04:58.769 guys. You know, this is a very intricate shop. 00:04:58.850 --> 00:05:01.290 You're probably working a lot of hours, and I 00:05:01.290 --> 00:05:03.629 want you guys to get time off as well. You know, 00:05:03.670 --> 00:05:06.970 those... You had these pints of BB Guinness? 00:05:07.709 --> 00:05:09.589 They're gorgeous, the wee Ballybogle special. 00:05:09.829 --> 00:05:13.110 Oh, God. I just walked into the pub, and the 00:05:13.110 --> 00:05:15.350 notion took me. I didn't know it was a special, 00:05:15.529 --> 00:05:18.430 and... I think I'm a convert for life, but, you 00:05:18.430 --> 00:05:20.990 know, put that money towards that for date night. 00:05:21.290 --> 00:05:23.769 Maurice calls them daddy Guinnesses, but it's 00:05:23.769 --> 00:05:26.550 not sticking. It's a Valley Bogle special. Okay, 00:05:26.670 --> 00:05:30.269 yeah. That's so sweet of you. Look, I'll throw 00:05:30.269 --> 00:05:32.329 in a few extra wee cans of beans as well. Oh, 00:05:32.449 --> 00:05:35.410 you're good. Can I be really cheeky bold and 00:05:35.410 --> 00:05:37.949 ask for ones with sausages in it as well? Is 00:05:37.949 --> 00:05:40.970 there any other type of can of beans? Yes. You're 00:05:40.970 --> 00:05:44.879 my kind of person. Oh, we are friends. She hugs 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:49.259 you and walks upstairs. So, lads, that's three 00:05:49.259 --> 00:05:52.699 of the T -shirts, two sets of the high -vis jackets, 00:05:52.939 --> 00:05:54.899 and you did want a multi -pack of the high -vis 00:05:54.899 --> 00:05:57.699 socks as well, is that correct? Yeah, that sounds 00:05:57.699 --> 00:06:00.680 great. Fantastic. It's one size fits all with 00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:03.279 the socks, OK? You can utilise them for whatever 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:06.100 purpose you need. Maddy returns and joins her 00:06:06.100 --> 00:06:09.060 fellow Knuckles. Oh, cool, high -vis socks. Yeah. 00:06:09.220 --> 00:06:12.220 Sir, can I just ask what your most expensive 00:06:12.220 --> 00:06:15.379 item might be? It's a freestanding bath. And 00:06:15.379 --> 00:06:19.339 how much is that? It's £500. That's not bad. 00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:21.500 It's not bad. Yeah, I'll take it. You're going 00:06:21.500 --> 00:06:23.759 to take it? Yeah. You want to take the bath? 00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:27.319 I want to see you guys do well, yeah. As long 00:06:27.319 --> 00:06:29.720 as it doesn't inconvenience you, as long as you 00:06:29.720 --> 00:06:31.120 don't have a customer lined up for it. Not in 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:34.240 the slightest. You'll make my year to purchase 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.800 that bath. Gideon leaves and he goes into the 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:42.160 pub and he goes, Padder, does the Haunting Lodge 00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:45.920 have... A bath? Look at yourself. I know it does. 00:06:46.019 --> 00:06:48.379 It's got a lovely, it's got a big clawfoot bath 00:06:48.379 --> 00:06:50.339 and it's got a shower and all. It's brilliant. 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:52.939 But it's not freestanding? No. Oh, okay, great. 00:06:53.300 --> 00:06:56.600 No, no. What? Yes, it is. It's a clawfoot bath. 00:06:56.939 --> 00:06:58.519 It's one of them ones with the wee feet on it. 00:06:58.540 --> 00:07:00.420 It is freestanding. Yes. Okay, thanks very much. 00:07:00.660 --> 00:07:05.420 Bye. You returned and I've already handed over 00:07:05.420 --> 00:07:07.500 the money. Oh yeah, we need two. There's four 00:07:07.500 --> 00:07:10.800 of us. What? Sorry, what are you talking about? 00:07:11.060 --> 00:07:13.060 No, we did because we're all going to want to 00:07:13.060 --> 00:07:15.240 be here at the same time. Oh, no, this is a personal 00:07:15.240 --> 00:07:17.240 investment. I'm sorry. I'm assuming Maddie bought 00:07:17.240 --> 00:07:18.860 that for her own home. Oh, I thought we were 00:07:18.860 --> 00:07:21.800 buying baths for the holiday. Sylvester strides 00:07:21.800 --> 00:07:24.759 in. Wait, what? I thought you were walking to 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:28.420 the lodge. I've gone to the lodge and I'm back. 00:07:28.779 --> 00:07:32.060 And I was worried. I thought you'd all gone somewhere. 00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.040 So I went there. I went back. I've checked all 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:40.610 around and I've just come back. God. Okay, I'm 00:07:40.610 --> 00:07:42.550 back. What kind of beans do you like, Sylvester? 00:07:42.569 --> 00:07:44.449 We're getting an order in. I don't like beans. 00:07:44.509 --> 00:07:46.629 I like ones with the spaghetti ones that comes 00:07:46.629 --> 00:07:49.810 in. Not the letters, not the oops, the spaghetti. 00:07:50.350 --> 00:07:52.629 Oh. I think they probably have that, right? Do 00:07:52.629 --> 00:07:54.750 you have that? Of course we have it, Sylvester. 00:07:54.769 --> 00:07:58.350 You know very well that we do. I know, I know. 00:07:58.430 --> 00:08:00.829 Of course you would need it for all that soft, 00:08:00.889 --> 00:08:04.529 soft food. Yes, we would indeed need it, wouldn't 00:08:04.529 --> 00:08:09.740 we, Sylvester? I did not steal your food. I'm 00:08:09.740 --> 00:08:11.740 sorry, everyone. I feel myself getting very heated 00:08:11.740 --> 00:08:13.600 at the minute. I'm going to save what I have 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:17.100 to say for the town hall tomorrow. You can purchase 00:08:17.100 --> 00:08:20.860 what you need and I will... Oh, bloody hell, 00:08:20.939 --> 00:08:26.199 Maurice. I've known you so long and I never stole 00:08:26.199 --> 00:08:29.500 your pre -teeth. I never stole your adult... 00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:32.940 teeth. I'm just a man. I'm just a man, a bone 00:08:32.940 --> 00:08:35.299 man, but I'm not a man who steals. The three 00:08:35.299 --> 00:08:37.899 of us get in the car and start driving away while 00:08:37.899 --> 00:08:41.779 the speech is on. As Gideon and Dolan are dragging 00:08:41.779 --> 00:08:44.139 that bath out, they start hooking it up on top 00:08:44.139 --> 00:08:46.360 of the roof of the car. Violet comes down the 00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:48.960 stairs and catches eyes with you, Matty, and 00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:52.360 just slips you that wee special parcel. Sylvester, 00:08:52.539 --> 00:08:56.379 get you out of this shop. You know me and I know 00:08:56.379 --> 00:08:59.929 you, and all will become clear very soon. Right, 00:09:00.029 --> 00:09:02.730 Maurice, we're closing, okay? That's it. We're 00:09:02.730 --> 00:09:04.730 done. Yes, Violet, I love you. I love you too. 00:09:05.529 --> 00:09:07.490 Good night. It was nice to meet some of you. 00:09:07.629 --> 00:09:09.850 Bye, folks. It was lovely to meet you guys. Thanks 00:09:09.850 --> 00:09:14.389 for the T -shirt. We will cut to the four of 00:09:14.389 --> 00:09:18.190 you in the car driving down the road. Leaving 00:09:18.190 --> 00:09:20.450 the small village of Ballybogle and heading out 00:09:20.450 --> 00:09:22.570 on the east road, you pass through a thickly 00:09:22.570 --> 00:09:25.190 forested area which hugs the village. The road 00:09:25.190 --> 00:09:27.409 right now is only wide enough for one car to 00:09:27.409 --> 00:09:30.370 travel at a time. with large lumen trees creating 00:09:30.370 --> 00:09:33.049 a canopy so thick it blocks out the evening sun. 00:09:33.470 --> 00:09:35.470 When you finally emerge on the other side of 00:09:35.470 --> 00:09:37.570 the tree line, you spot a turnoff to the right, 00:09:37.610 --> 00:09:40.009 quickly coming upon a small shack sitting within 00:09:40.009 --> 00:09:42.750 a little forest glade. It's a wee bit evil dead, 00:09:43.009 --> 00:09:44.850 but you reckon it must be the place McSlug was 00:09:44.850 --> 00:09:47.889 talking about. At first glance, you'd call this 00:09:47.889 --> 00:09:49.850 more of a hut than a top -line hunting lodge. 00:09:50.110 --> 00:09:52.049 It's both rickety and dishevelled, with only 00:09:52.049 --> 00:09:55.029 a single ground floor. It has one door, one chimney 00:09:55.029 --> 00:09:57.570 and an outhouse next to the log shed for your 00:09:57.570 --> 00:10:00.230 ablutions. There's an old woodcutter's axe wedged 00:10:00.230 --> 00:10:02.549 into a stump of a long dead oak tree alongside 00:10:02.549 --> 00:10:05.990 a bunch of as yet unprocessed wood. There are 00:10:05.990 --> 00:10:08.350 four single mattresses flung around outside. 00:10:08.649 --> 00:10:11.049 They're clattered in moss and general outside 00:10:11.049 --> 00:10:13.370 stuff. You can't seem to see through any of the 00:10:13.370 --> 00:10:15.629 small windows dotted around the place. But the 00:10:15.629 --> 00:10:18.529 front door is ajar. I've dibs on the bath. I'm 00:10:18.529 --> 00:10:24.490 sleeping in the bath. Okay, that's no problem. 00:10:28.929 --> 00:10:32.350 I really thought that, you know, it was going 00:10:32.350 --> 00:10:35.690 to be a bit more livable. I mean, I suppose we're 00:10:35.690 --> 00:10:38.509 getting it for free. I thought Sylvester was 00:10:38.509 --> 00:10:41.929 in the bath at the top. No, I got freaked out 00:10:41.929 --> 00:10:44.049 and I jumped out. Sorry. What freaked you out? 00:10:44.529 --> 00:10:49.840 The speed. I was going 14 miles an hour. And 00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:51.700 you must have been going at the same speed if 00:10:51.700 --> 00:10:55.340 you were keeping up. Yeah, well, you know, it's 00:10:55.340 --> 00:10:57.980 the stride. I've got a long stride. So it's just 00:10:57.980 --> 00:11:00.759 nice to be here, isn't it? Nice to be in the 00:11:00.759 --> 00:11:04.639 open. Well, let's have a look inside and see 00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:07.460 what kind of state it's in. Well, we were pre 00:11:07.460 --> 00:11:10.879 -warned that there could be a deceased individual 00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:14.720 in here. Kind of a wellness check. I didn't assume 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:17.539 someone was literally dead. No, no, no. Nobody 00:11:17.539 --> 00:11:20.019 in town has seen him. Well, I suppose now gives 00:11:20.019 --> 00:11:21.740 all the more reason for me to go inside and check. 00:11:22.539 --> 00:11:24.720 Oh, you're going first, are you? Yeah, I suppose 00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:29.159 so. Okay. Dolan, I'll back you up. Gideon and 00:11:29.159 --> 00:11:32.100 Dolan stride towards the porch. As they step 00:11:32.100 --> 00:11:34.220 up onto the wooden porch, can I please have an 00:11:34.220 --> 00:11:38.940 awareness roll or an art roll? 65 over 40. For 00:11:38.940 --> 00:11:46.100 art? For awareness. Okay. 49 over 40. 90 over 00:11:46.100 --> 00:11:54.419 60 for art. 26 over 20. No, you walk up, you 00:11:54.419 --> 00:11:56.679 see the door is very much ajar. There doesn't 00:11:56.679 --> 00:11:59.440 appear to be any lights on inside, but you don't 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:03.940 hear any noise. Hello? Hello, does anyone remember 00:12:03.940 --> 00:12:08.840 the guy's name? Don't say that out loud. Someone 00:12:08.840 --> 00:12:12.039 from the pub asked us to check if you're okay, 00:12:12.120 --> 00:12:15.039 if you're here. You do not hear any response 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:17.179 coming from inside the cabin. I try the light 00:12:17.179 --> 00:12:21.929 switches. You walk on in. Upon entering the shack, 00:12:22.090 --> 00:12:24.070 you're immediately hit with the unmistakable 00:12:24.070 --> 00:12:26.629 stench of animal innards. It's like a butcher's 00:12:26.629 --> 00:12:29.590 in July. In the main room, there's a knackered 00:12:29.590 --> 00:12:31.750 old couch that might once have been pleasant, 00:12:31.889 --> 00:12:34.309 a wood -fire stove that hasn't seen a lick of 00:12:34.309 --> 00:12:36.429 anti -back in forever, and a bunch of bundled 00:12:36.429 --> 00:12:38.769 blankets on the floor absolutely clattered in 00:12:38.769 --> 00:12:42.250 hair. Suddenly, the mattresses outside make sense, 00:12:42.370 --> 00:12:44.730 as you see two bunk beds which have been repurposed 00:12:44.730 --> 00:12:48.429 as indoor drying racks. Your keen nostrils also 00:12:48.429 --> 00:12:51.129 pick up the smell of dog, while your eyes notice 00:12:51.129 --> 00:12:52.950 the walls are unadorned with anything decorative. 00:12:53.289 --> 00:12:55.590 Everything here seems to serve a purpose, a gross, 00:12:55.690 --> 00:12:58.070 manky purpose. Oh, it's like literally a hunting 00:12:58.070 --> 00:13:00.470 lodge. This is disgusting. This is worse than 00:13:00.470 --> 00:13:02.950 that guy's house. Yep, there's all dried herbs 00:13:02.950 --> 00:13:04.730 hanging from low ceiling beams, there's pots 00:13:04.730 --> 00:13:06.909 and pans dangling from hooks on the walls, and 00:13:06.909 --> 00:13:08.850 a big bucket of sticks sitting next to the stove. 00:13:09.370 --> 00:13:12.690 Right, well, there's no one here. Yeah, no, I 00:13:12.690 --> 00:13:13.889 mean, it sounds like the man's gone off to deep 00:13:13.889 --> 00:13:16.559 end. This is like, he's just... Been living here 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:19.519 and hunting animals and tanning them. Crazy. 00:13:19.720 --> 00:13:21.899 Where would he sleep? Is there an attic in this 00:13:21.899 --> 00:13:24.440 place? There is not an attic in this place. It's 00:13:24.440 --> 00:13:26.179 just a wee one -story building. Is there any 00:13:26.179 --> 00:13:31.340 roof space? No, it's just like a gabled roof 00:13:31.340 --> 00:13:33.960 with exposed beams, which might actually look 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:35.519 quite nice if you put a wee bit of effort into 00:13:35.519 --> 00:13:37.179 the place. I was trying to work out if there 00:13:37.179 --> 00:13:39.940 was anywhere I could climb. You could probably 00:13:39.940 --> 00:13:42.159 climb up onto the beams if you wanted, like, 00:13:42.259 --> 00:13:45.899 hop and grab and pull yourself up, but it wouldn't 00:13:45.899 --> 00:13:46.519 really be a storage space. I don't know if that's 00:13:46.519 --> 00:13:49.019 giving me anything, yeah. It'd probably impress 00:13:49.019 --> 00:13:51.480 your friends. Matty, what are you looking up 00:13:51.480 --> 00:13:53.720 there for? You've got a wistful look about you. 00:13:54.539 --> 00:13:57.259 Like you're thinking of being a child. It's just 00:13:57.259 --> 00:14:00.779 nice to stretch and, you know, fantasize about 00:14:00.779 --> 00:14:04.340 maybe saving my friends' lives. Are we in danger? 00:14:04.860 --> 00:14:07.360 It kind of feels like we could be. Have you seen 00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:09.980 this place? It's scary. You're saying I'm ominous. 00:14:09.980 --> 00:14:10.860 That is the most ominous thing I've ever heard. 00:14:10.860 --> 00:14:13.700 I'm not saying this, Sylvester. You're not saying 00:14:13.700 --> 00:14:16.440 we're all going to die, but you're fantasizing 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:19.139 about saving us. You can fantasize about things 00:14:19.139 --> 00:14:21.200 that won't happen. That's why they're fantasies. 00:14:22.279 --> 00:14:24.980 Anyway, I've got a bit of a sore back and I wanted 00:14:24.980 --> 00:14:28.259 to stretch. Whoa, you can almost reach that beam 00:14:28.259 --> 00:14:32.120 up there. Here, here. I'll just... I'll help 00:14:32.120 --> 00:14:35.539 your core perform. Ready? Ready? One, two, three. 00:14:35.539 --> 00:14:38.820 No, your baby hands have touched me enough. Give 00:14:38.820 --> 00:14:41.159 me an agility roll to see if you can grab onto 00:14:41.159 --> 00:14:43.659 the beam as your friends launch into the air. 00:14:44.080 --> 00:14:48.600 55 over 40. You're about to go arse over tea 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:50.659 kettle. Can I have a preservation roll? But it's 00:14:50.659 --> 00:14:53.200 80%, so if you roll under 80, you won't fall 00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:59.389 on your arse. Shit. 56. Oh, you stumble a wee 00:14:59.389 --> 00:15:01.710 bit, but you manage to steady yourselves as you 00:15:01.710 --> 00:15:03.389 hit the ground again and grab onto your mates. 00:15:04.509 --> 00:15:06.250 That was pretty good. It was pretty good. Sorry 00:15:06.250 --> 00:15:09.269 I couldn't grab it. That was scary. You know, 00:15:09.389 --> 00:15:12.009 that was a bit fun, wasn't it? Getting so high 00:15:12.009 --> 00:15:14.309 up. Who's next? It was fun, but I don't know 00:15:14.309 --> 00:15:15.490 what it would have been. Watch this. I'm going 00:15:15.490 --> 00:15:21.870 to do a backflip with my gi. Oh, what's this? 00:15:22.029 --> 00:15:25.039 That'll be an agility roll. Bloody hell. You're 00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:27.960 not going to believe this. It's 76 over 20. Oh, 00:15:27.960 --> 00:15:33.440 Jesus. Oh, I landed on my beans. Gideon, I'm 00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:34.940 going to ask for a preservation roll with that. 00:15:35.039 --> 00:15:41.299 It's 15. Ah. Oh. Yeah, you go to backflip and 00:15:41.299 --> 00:15:43.379 you flick your head back as hard as you can, 00:15:43.419 --> 00:15:46.600 but your feet barely leave the ground. You effectively 00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:49.240 do a very small vertical leap while staring at 00:15:49.240 --> 00:15:53.019 the ceiling. I would argue it's depressing to 00:15:53.019 --> 00:15:58.460 see. Thank you. Thank you. No, we're not clapping 00:15:58.460 --> 00:16:01.299 that, Maddie. I'm not clapping that. Ten. Thank 00:16:01.299 --> 00:16:02.919 you, Maddie. You landed on your feet. I'm just 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:05.080 glad you didn't get hurt. Dolan, you got any... 00:16:05.080 --> 00:16:09.860 Hey, what do you got? Jump. On my bad leg. Hop. 00:16:10.120 --> 00:16:13.419 I'm not hopping. High five. I'm not a performing 00:16:13.419 --> 00:16:15.399 monkey here. I'm not going to do a trick. It's 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:17.799 worth a shot. Sylvester, you got any moves? I 00:16:17.799 --> 00:16:22.500 can do the splits. And I don't want to take you 00:16:22.500 --> 00:16:26.950 out at the ankle. So just be careful. Right, 00:16:26.990 --> 00:16:31.409 everyone move back. I need four metres. Four 00:16:31.409 --> 00:16:36.309 metres? Look at these legs. I can't take my eyes 00:16:36.309 --> 00:16:39.330 off them. I would say you're like 80 % legs. 00:16:39.809 --> 00:16:43.029 Ready? Okay. Right. I'm going to count down. 00:16:43.509 --> 00:16:47.970 One, two, three. Can I have an agility roll, 00:16:47.990 --> 00:16:50.850 Sylvester, to see if you truly can do the splits 00:16:50.850 --> 00:16:58.409 with your massive legs? 85. As your legs begin 00:16:58.409 --> 00:17:00.789 to spread, they get maybe about a foot and a 00:17:00.789 --> 00:17:03.470 half apart and you start to wobble. You're about 00:17:03.470 --> 00:17:06.910 to fall face first into the ground. Can I have 00:17:06.910 --> 00:17:10.049 a preservation roll? So this, you're going to 00:17:10.049 --> 00:17:15.230 roll and I think get under 80. 27. Ah, you managed 00:17:15.230 --> 00:17:16.849 to catch yourself and it almost looks like you're 00:17:16.849 --> 00:17:20.450 doing a slightly splayed leg press up. Oh, well, 00:17:20.950 --> 00:17:23.910 you know. That was a bit embarrassing, but thank 00:17:23.910 --> 00:17:27.529 you. Thank you. Good effort. You know, I was 00:17:27.529 --> 00:17:29.569 surprised. I was quite warmed up. I'd literally, 00:17:29.589 --> 00:17:32.589 like, run, well, walked, you know, a couple of, 00:17:32.670 --> 00:17:35.490 quite a few miles there. So, quite surprised 00:17:35.490 --> 00:17:38.329 it didn't work. But, you know, it's nice to just, 00:17:38.450 --> 00:17:40.529 you know, show your tricks, show your stuff. 00:17:40.970 --> 00:17:43.130 In the midst of backing up for that somewhat 00:17:43.130 --> 00:17:46.349 underwhelming display, Dolan, you have sort of... 00:17:46.589 --> 00:17:49.089 Reared yourself towards the cooking stove. You 00:17:49.089 --> 00:17:51.769 spot a large cauldron. There's like a pestle 00:17:51.769 --> 00:17:54.089 and mortar beside it. Can I have an art roll 00:17:54.089 --> 00:18:01.349 or a survival roll? 77 over 20. Aye, there's 00:18:01.349 --> 00:18:03.789 all sorts of stuff here. There's like floating 00:18:03.789 --> 00:18:06.430 shelves above and a bunch of jars. Gideon peers 00:18:06.430 --> 00:18:10.569 over Dolan's shoulder in a chummy way. And I 00:18:10.569 --> 00:18:12.809 want to make an art roll. Yes, you can. Give 00:18:12.809 --> 00:18:18.440 me that art roll. Come on, collage. Oh, it's, 00:18:18.440 --> 00:18:23.960 what is that, 15? Under 60. You reckon that whoever 00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:26.279 lives here has been making their own wee rubs 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:29.140 and like mixtures of herbs and spices, like some 00:18:29.140 --> 00:18:31.980 kind of survivalist Wolfgang Puck. The stove 00:18:31.980 --> 00:18:34.839 itself is stone cold, but on the shelves you 00:18:34.839 --> 00:18:36.900 see these jars. It looks like it's a lot of locally 00:18:36.900 --> 00:18:38.779 grown herbs. You'd expect that this stuff's been 00:18:38.779 --> 00:18:42.160 foraged, not bought. There's rosemary, there's 00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:44.549 thyme, there's parsley, there's sage. But these 00:18:44.549 --> 00:18:47.289 look primarily like cooking herbs that you would 00:18:47.289 --> 00:18:50.450 see. Sylvester, you notice there's a jar in there 00:18:50.450 --> 00:18:53.049 with some, what look like little small off -white 00:18:53.049 --> 00:18:57.250 pebbles. Those are teeth. You know teeth anywhere. 00:18:57.329 --> 00:19:00.329 You could spot them a mile away. Oh my. Oh no. 00:19:00.950 --> 00:19:04.609 You'll never believe this. Right. Look. Look 00:19:04.609 --> 00:19:06.269 at that. Look at that. What do you think that 00:19:06.269 --> 00:19:10.569 is? Can I have a first aid roll from you? With 00:19:10.569 --> 00:19:16.609 advantage. Absolutely. Four? A closer investigation 00:19:16.609 --> 00:19:19.609 of these teeth. You know they've been split up 00:19:19.609 --> 00:19:21.329 because there's more than one jar there. There 00:19:21.329 --> 00:19:23.950 are incisors, canines, premolars and molars that 00:19:23.950 --> 00:19:26.829 have all been separated out. But you definitely 00:19:26.829 --> 00:19:28.549 know they're not human. These are animal teeth. 00:19:28.789 --> 00:19:31.309 Right. You won't believe this. You guys know 00:19:31.309 --> 00:19:34.430 I know teeth. And I've seen teeth of all... Yeah, 00:19:34.430 --> 00:19:38.329 we know. I've seen teeth of all people of all 00:19:38.329 --> 00:19:45.200 places. And of animals of all... and breathe. 00:19:46.980 --> 00:19:49.180 You won't believe this. Can you stop rattling 00:19:49.180 --> 00:19:52.799 the jar, please? What's wrong? It's fascinating, 00:19:52.839 --> 00:19:55.079 the sound of it. This is why I got into this 00:19:55.079 --> 00:19:57.400 profession. Unsettling. I know it wasn't you, 00:19:57.500 --> 00:19:59.380 but the fact that you're shaking the jar, thank 00:19:59.380 --> 00:20:01.779 you. Right, I'll put it down. I'm going to just 00:20:01.779 --> 00:20:05.359 pour a few out. Right, look at that one. You 00:20:05.359 --> 00:20:08.019 won't find that in a human mouth. From nowhere 00:20:08.019 --> 00:20:12.400 or nobody. That's not a human tooth. That's a 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:15.759 fox's tooth. And this one, not in the same jar. 00:20:16.200 --> 00:20:18.839 This one, the one of a cow. Can you tell if these 00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:23.319 teeth were pulled out or the manner in which 00:20:23.319 --> 00:20:26.200 they were removed? Yes, indeed. I'm going to 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:28.579 ask for another first aid roll from you with 00:20:28.579 --> 00:20:36.650 advantage. 23. You see, just beside them, there's 00:20:36.650 --> 00:20:38.950 basically pliers and stuff hanging next to the 00:20:38.950 --> 00:20:41.450 wall. You could probably use these as rudimentary 00:20:41.450 --> 00:20:44.569 surgical or dental tools. So you'd guess that 00:20:44.569 --> 00:20:47.470 these have been properly yanked out of the mouths 00:20:47.470 --> 00:20:49.609 of these animals. It's not like they fell out. 00:20:49.630 --> 00:20:52.029 It's not like they've been collected. Now, they 00:20:52.029 --> 00:20:54.150 weren't working in, you know, some sort of dental 00:20:54.150 --> 00:20:57.210 studio like yourself, but they have indeed been 00:20:57.210 --> 00:21:00.670 removed by human hands. Well, that's rather horrifying, 00:21:01.009 --> 00:21:04.769 but it does imply that. However, these teeth 00:21:04.769 --> 00:21:06.970 I retrieved seem to be different from the rest 00:21:06.970 --> 00:21:09.329 of the teeth. There's no sign of injury or... 00:21:09.329 --> 00:21:14.869 No, no, but if you get an adept enough dentist... 00:21:14.869 --> 00:21:19.430 Like you. Right, now you are accusing me. No, 00:21:19.470 --> 00:21:21.589 you're accusing yourself, Sylvester. You said 00:21:21.589 --> 00:21:25.470 like me. Like me as in my calibre. Yeah. Oh, 00:21:25.509 --> 00:21:28.069 yeah, it was a compliment. Sorry, guys. Just 00:21:28.069 --> 00:21:32.220 cool it. I'm touchy. I'm touchy. People accuse 00:21:32.220 --> 00:21:34.319 me of stealing their teeth and I never even stole 00:21:34.319 --> 00:21:36.519 their teeth. Right, I won't go on about it. I 00:21:36.519 --> 00:21:38.539 won't go on about it. I won't go on about it. 00:21:38.539 --> 00:21:42.339 We will be asking you, throughout this journey, 00:21:42.420 --> 00:21:44.960 we will be asking you questions about teeth and 00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:47.279 their removal. I assume we're not accusing you 00:21:47.279 --> 00:21:49.519 unless we explicitly accuse you. I'm a touchy 00:21:49.519 --> 00:21:51.119 man. It's understandable. It's understandable. 00:21:51.299 --> 00:21:54.019 Okay, well. We're in some sort of horror cabin 00:21:54.019 --> 00:21:57.680 in the woods. But if you're adept enough, even 00:21:57.680 --> 00:22:00.079 the animal might not know. They might be sleeping. 00:22:00.910 --> 00:22:03.250 you never know you could get in there and get 00:22:03.250 --> 00:22:06.970 it out quickly as anything I mean I was really 00:22:06.970 --> 00:22:08.890 hoping you would say there's no way that a human 00:22:08.890 --> 00:22:10.210 could have done this and then we could have just 00:22:10.210 --> 00:22:12.269 immediately moved on to alternative practices 00:22:12.269 --> 00:22:14.349 but now we have to consider that there's a second 00:22:14.349 --> 00:22:17.450 equally skilled dentist in this town no well 00:22:17.450 --> 00:22:21.369 I doubt that I have wondered do you do your own 00:22:21.369 --> 00:22:25.329 dental work no I trust no one else with my teeth 00:22:25.329 --> 00:22:29.160 but me So you do do your own dental work? No, 00:22:29.240 --> 00:22:31.180 I don't do any dental work. So you just leave 00:22:31.180 --> 00:22:34.859 them? Yeah. They're ambient. Yeah. No, but I 00:22:34.859 --> 00:22:40.460 drink a lot of milk. I drink a lot of milk. I 00:22:40.460 --> 00:22:44.559 floss. I tongue scrape. Do you brush them? I 00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:48.200 brush them, yeah. Do you do that oil pool thing? 00:22:48.400 --> 00:22:52.859 I do oil pulling. Bathroom. bleach on my teeth. 00:22:53.319 --> 00:22:55.099 That seems to work quite well. Three minutes 00:22:55.099 --> 00:22:57.720 later. Okay, that's good. That's good. You notice 00:22:57.720 --> 00:22:59.920 that there are little piles around the room. 00:23:00.759 --> 00:23:03.759 Little piles of planks of wood. Can I have an 00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.559 engineering or an investigation role? Oh, I'll 00:23:06.559 --> 00:23:13.619 have a go. 11 under 40. 66 under 80. Maddy and 00:23:13.619 --> 00:23:15.619 Dolan, looking at these piles of wood, you sort 00:23:15.619 --> 00:23:17.859 of, you take a few tentative steps over and you 00:23:17.859 --> 00:23:19.599 walk over and you do realise they're underneath 00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:22.549 the windows. And you pull apart the curtains 00:23:22.549 --> 00:23:24.450 and you realise the reason you couldn't see through 00:23:24.450 --> 00:23:26.470 the windows from the outside is not because these 00:23:26.470 --> 00:23:27.910 curtains were closed. It turns out that these 00:23:27.910 --> 00:23:29.910 planks of wood have been nailed on the inside. 00:23:30.369 --> 00:23:32.849 There's only wee slivers of moonlight coming 00:23:32.849 --> 00:23:35.470 through. So it looks like someone's been nailing 00:23:35.470 --> 00:23:39.029 these windows shut. The door has not been nailed 00:23:39.029 --> 00:23:42.150 shut, but there is wood beside it. That's concerning. 00:23:42.269 --> 00:23:44.769 That feels like someone hasn't finished a job, 00:23:44.829 --> 00:23:48.670 maybe? It seems like they were. Well, quite clearly 00:23:48.670 --> 00:23:50.660 they're spare. they were barricading I suppose 00:23:50.660 --> 00:23:53.480 what were they barricading from is my concern 00:23:53.480 --> 00:23:55.819 right now I'm going outside as you're walking 00:23:55.819 --> 00:23:58.640 towards the door inside over the interior entryway 00:23:58.640 --> 00:24:01.259 you see that there's a horseshoe above the door 00:24:01.259 --> 00:24:04.140 it's pointing upwards and is nailed in with seven 00:24:04.140 --> 00:24:08.539 iron nails can I have a supernatural roll 61 00:24:08.539 --> 00:24:17.420 over 20 80 fail also fail also fail aye It's 00:24:17.420 --> 00:24:18.900 a nice wee decorative horseshoe, and it's nailed 00:24:18.900 --> 00:24:22.579 above that door. Lovely. I go outside. Yeah, 00:24:22.740 --> 00:24:25.240 I'm thinking exactly the same thing as you. I 00:24:25.240 --> 00:24:28.980 look up at the sky, see what the moon's doing. 00:24:29.119 --> 00:24:30.980 You know, I'm actually going to follow him as 00:24:30.980 --> 00:24:34.059 well, because I'm worried about him. You walk 00:24:34.059 --> 00:24:37.259 outside. Aye, the moon, it ain't full, if that's 00:24:37.259 --> 00:24:39.140 what you're asking. Well, that would be bad writing, 00:24:39.140 --> 00:24:41.900 eh, Dolan? You think it's a werewolf? Well, it 00:24:41.900 --> 00:24:46.369 ain't a werewolf. Okay. Wait. Were you hoping 00:24:46.369 --> 00:24:48.930 it was a full moon and then we know it's a werewolf? 00:24:49.009 --> 00:24:51.450 I'm confused. What was your theory? Are you guys 00:24:51.450 --> 00:24:53.190 talking about werewolves out there? We are talking 00:24:53.190 --> 00:24:55.369 about werewolves. I just thought it might be 00:24:55.369 --> 00:24:57.730 a werewolf. Dolan, you've come so far. Yeah, 00:24:57.809 --> 00:25:00.430 I mean, I suggested too far earlier on. I'm sort 00:25:00.430 --> 00:25:03.589 of opening up today. Well, why don't we consider 00:25:03.589 --> 00:25:07.549 that, you know, like it could maybe be a werewolf. 00:25:07.589 --> 00:25:11.410 Who steals teeth? Yeah, we don't know what werewolves 00:25:11.410 --> 00:25:15.440 do. document of it. I mean, there were signs 00:25:15.440 --> 00:25:18.599 of witchcraft as well. May I have, if you're 00:25:18.599 --> 00:25:20.519 all standing outside here staring up at the moon, 00:25:20.579 --> 00:25:23.880 can I have another survival or supernatural rule 00:25:23.880 --> 00:25:31.019 from any of you? 56 over 20. 26 over 20. 17 under 00:25:31.019 --> 00:25:35.740 20. Hanging from the awning on the little porch 00:25:35.740 --> 00:25:38.599 bit out the front, you spot a relatively well 00:25:38.599 --> 00:25:41.460 -known twist of rowan branches wrapped in red 00:25:41.460 --> 00:25:43.740 thread at the centre, so it's an equal -armed 00:25:43.740 --> 00:25:47.019 cross. But you know that it's also known as St 00:25:47.019 --> 00:25:49.339 Andrew's Cross. They're common enough symbols 00:25:49.339 --> 00:25:51.680 in folklore, but they're renowned for warding 00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:55.049 off witchcraft and malevolent spirits. So they're 00:25:55.049 --> 00:25:58.089 normally placed as some sort of protective charm. 00:25:58.329 --> 00:26:00.109 And that's on the outside of the house? It's 00:26:00.109 --> 00:26:02.970 sort of hanging on the outside. You also, now 00:26:02.970 --> 00:26:04.990 that you're thinking about it, back inside while 00:26:04.990 --> 00:26:07.690 you were getting yoiked up in the air to grab 00:26:07.690 --> 00:26:09.349 onto them rafters, there were a few of them hanging 00:26:09.349 --> 00:26:13.049 from the rafters as well. Okay, so it kind of 00:26:13.049 --> 00:26:18.670 feels like someone has maybe made an escape or 00:26:18.670 --> 00:26:23.089 been removed. This guy, whoever he is... Was 00:26:23.089 --> 00:26:29.670 consistent to Potter and hasn't shown face for 00:26:29.670 --> 00:26:34.230 a little while and clearly believes in some bunch 00:26:34.230 --> 00:26:38.390 of stuff. Was getting a little bit worried maybe 00:26:38.390 --> 00:26:42.630 about maybe his own well -being being inflicted 00:26:42.630 --> 00:26:45.809 on the others or something coming for him. Some 00:26:45.809 --> 00:26:48.349 kind of curse? Kind of feels like he's throwing 00:26:48.349 --> 00:26:50.920 a lot of things at... the wall so I don't know 00:26:50.920 --> 00:26:53.079 if there's one specific thing that he's covering 00:26:53.079 --> 00:27:00.039 for I think if it is seems pretty spooky and 00:27:00.039 --> 00:27:02.539 it's awful late so maybe we do what you suggested 00:27:02.539 --> 00:27:05.940 and board up there Picking up where whoever has 00:27:05.940 --> 00:27:08.819 once lived here before, you start nailing boards 00:27:08.819 --> 00:27:11.119 up to the door and finishing off the job that 00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:13.079 this person had done on the windows. You have 00:27:13.079 --> 00:27:16.259 securely locked yourself in and you bed down 00:27:16.259 --> 00:27:18.660 for what will probably be a very uncomfortable 00:27:18.660 --> 00:27:23.940 night's sleep. I turn to Dolan and I say, I know 00:27:23.940 --> 00:27:26.940 what you're thinking. Can I show you, you don't. 00:27:28.599 --> 00:27:32.680 You're thinking, you're thinking, I'm watching 00:27:32.680 --> 00:27:35.329 here with you. But you're locked in here with 00:27:35.329 --> 00:27:38.210 me, and then he starts tickling you. I slap him. 00:27:39.769 --> 00:27:42.730 I slap his hands out, and I think I ball up a 00:27:42.730 --> 00:27:45.569 fist, but I don't punch. In the dark, Dolan just 00:27:45.569 --> 00:27:47.789 holds a tin of beans above my head. Puts it down. 00:27:48.089 --> 00:27:50.549 We fade to black on this disturbing tableau of 00:27:50.549 --> 00:27:52.349 Dolan with a little clenched fist and Gideon 00:27:52.349 --> 00:27:56.569 holding a can of beans menacingly. The following 00:27:56.569 --> 00:27:59.430 morning, you awaken. Probably somewhat later 00:27:59.430 --> 00:28:00.950 than you would have expected, given that there 00:28:00.950 --> 00:28:02.869 was no sunlight shining in through these windows, 00:28:03.029 --> 00:28:04.730 and you realise you're a little bit late for 00:28:04.730 --> 00:28:06.849 the meeting. You pry the boards off the door 00:28:06.849 --> 00:28:09.670 with the hammer that you found in this here shack, 00:28:09.930 --> 00:28:11.650 and you make your way back into the village of 00:28:11.650 --> 00:28:13.930 Ballybogle, and you head towards the large church 00:28:13.930 --> 00:28:15.950 building, attached to which is the village hall. 00:28:16.390 --> 00:28:18.990 This place is absolutely buzzing. It's about 00:28:18.990 --> 00:28:22.079 10 to 11. The entire village square is littered 00:28:22.079 --> 00:28:24.640 with parked cars, despite the village containing 00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:26.740 everything you'd need within a very short walking 00:28:26.740 --> 00:28:28.940 distance. Streams of people are entering the 00:28:28.940 --> 00:28:30.920 building, and as you fold yourselves into the 00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:33.240 mass, you walk through the double doors and find 00:28:33.240 --> 00:28:35.740 yourself in what can only be described as a school 00:28:35.740 --> 00:28:38.259 gymnasium. It has those squeaky wooden floors 00:28:38.259 --> 00:28:39.880 with a bit of ounce in them, and on the right 00:28:39.880 --> 00:28:42.539 -hand side of the hall is a grandstand of modular 00:28:42.539 --> 00:28:45.220 bleacher seating. It is facing towards an array 00:28:45.220 --> 00:28:47.400 of athletics equipment, behind which are seated 00:28:47.400 --> 00:28:50.519 around 30 kids in different attire. As you take 00:28:50.519 --> 00:28:52.380 your seats and you spot some of the kids holding 00:28:52.380 --> 00:28:54.880 juggling batons, one of them has a top hat on 00:28:54.880 --> 00:28:56.539 and is holding a white stuffed bunny rabbit. 00:28:56.700 --> 00:28:59.200 A few others are dressed in similar tracksuits 00:28:59.200 --> 00:29:01.019 and appear to be sitting together. Suddenly, 00:29:01.140 --> 00:29:03.299 the knocking of a loud gavel rings out through 00:29:03.299 --> 00:29:06.400 the hall and you turn your heads 90 degrees to 00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:09.559 see a tall, lion -maned man in a suit with a 00:29:09.559 --> 00:29:12.380 well -groomed beard. He spreads his arms ceremoniously 00:29:12.380 --> 00:29:16.900 and clears his throat. Welcome, proud parents 00:29:16.900 --> 00:29:20.000 of Ballybogle, to this, our biannual gymnastics 00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:23.500 and talent competition. I'm your judge, Mayor 00:29:23.500 --> 00:29:26.279 John, and I hope you're all as excited as I am 00:29:26.279 --> 00:29:28.279 to see what the little ones have in store for 00:29:28.279 --> 00:29:31.480 us today. Now, most of yous are aware that the 00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:34.140 hall will be in dual use to host a town meeting 00:29:34.140 --> 00:29:36.660 at the same time. I've got two weeks in Costa 00:29:36.660 --> 00:29:38.839 del Sol booked on that new teletext feature, 00:29:39.000 --> 00:29:41.079 and we leave tomorrow morning, so we need to 00:29:41.079 --> 00:29:44.599 get this done and dusted. Kids, yous far away. 00:29:44.910 --> 00:29:47.109 and I'd be keeping one eye on you, all right? 00:29:47.210 --> 00:29:51.950 Now, blow my mind. All right, proud parents. 00:29:52.009 --> 00:29:54.809 First up, we have Matthew, who'll be performing 00:29:54.809 --> 00:29:58.069 some gymnastics for us. A round of applause for 00:29:58.069 --> 00:30:02.869 Matthew. Without missing a beat, you see the 00:30:02.869 --> 00:30:05.309 first child step on out and grab hold of a pommel 00:30:05.309 --> 00:30:07.250 horse. Two excited parents at the back of the 00:30:07.250 --> 00:30:09.670 bleachers begin clapping wildly as the boy hikes 00:30:09.670 --> 00:30:12.009 himself up onto the thing and starts firing his 00:30:12.009 --> 00:30:14.789 legs around like mad. The gavel rings out again 00:30:14.789 --> 00:30:17.109 and almost scares the young fellow off his game. 00:30:17.230 --> 00:30:19.630 But you spin your head 90 degrees back again 00:30:19.630 --> 00:30:23.700 to see Mayor John readdressing the crowd. Very 00:30:23.700 --> 00:30:26.779 good, Matthew. You're like a turbine. Someone 00:30:26.779 --> 00:30:30.519 stick a battery into this kid. Ten out of ten. 00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:33.640 Now, for the rest of you, I believe we have some 00:30:33.640 --> 00:30:36.799 accusations to... Sorry, excuse me. Reaching 00:30:36.799 --> 00:30:39.319 into his large pinstripe jacket, Mayor John pulls 00:30:39.319 --> 00:30:42.119 out an enormous mobile phone and telescopically 00:30:42.119 --> 00:30:44.819 extends the large aerial. I'm at the town hall, 00:30:45.019 --> 00:30:47.539 sure with the talent competition on and the bloody 00:30:47.539 --> 00:30:51.099 meeting. No, of course I care. Well, have you 00:30:51.099 --> 00:30:54.829 tried sitting on it? Amanda, they'll have hair 00:30:54.829 --> 00:31:00.170 dryers at the hotel. I am calm. I just don't 00:31:00.170 --> 00:31:06.390 understand why you'd need two. I am calm. I love 00:31:06.390 --> 00:31:10.789 you too. Yes, I promise, no meat on the holiday. 00:31:10.950 --> 00:31:14.529 I'm going full vegetarian for you. All right, 00:31:14.569 --> 00:31:19.970 full vegan. No one suspects a thing. I'm on the 00:31:19.970 --> 00:31:22.769 way. Placing the phone back into his inner pocket, 00:31:22.910 --> 00:31:25.890 Mayor John flashes a snake oil smile to the crowd 00:31:25.890 --> 00:31:28.029 and allows the panic to wash over him briefly. 00:31:28.890 --> 00:31:33.710 I... I'm afraid there's been an emergency. I 00:31:33.710 --> 00:31:39.049 need to go. But I leave you in the keepable hands 00:31:39.049 --> 00:31:43.359 of... His eyes trace through the crowd as all 00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:45.319 of the parents go wide -eyed at the prospect 00:31:45.319 --> 00:31:47.140 of getting to judge the competition themselves. 00:31:47.619 --> 00:31:50.099 Mayor John winces at his conundrum before landing 00:31:50.099 --> 00:31:52.859 his gaze on the three of you. In the capable 00:31:52.859 --> 00:31:56.980 hands of these three impartial strangers and 00:31:56.980 --> 00:32:02.369 the dentist they wrote in on. Jolly good. The 00:32:02.369 --> 00:32:04.930 room erupts in thunderous objections as the mayor 00:32:04.930 --> 00:32:07.329 makes his way to the front door. Feigning a smile 00:32:07.329 --> 00:32:09.430 and false empathy for the situation, he turns 00:32:09.430 --> 00:32:13.630 with a bow and bids farewell. Sure, all of the 00:32:13.630 --> 00:32:17.150 children of Ballybogle will make us proud. And 00:32:17.150 --> 00:32:23.970 that the meeting goes well. Adios. With all eyes 00:32:23.970 --> 00:32:26.390 on you, you'd better get up to that podium. There 00:32:26.390 --> 00:32:29.250 are children waiting to impress you. Oh, Dolan 00:32:29.250 --> 00:32:31.170 goes up to the podium, I think, quite confidently. 00:32:31.569 --> 00:32:35.130 Dolan strides confidently up to the podium, picks 00:32:35.130 --> 00:32:38.609 up the gavel. Are you two joining it? Oh, yeah, 00:32:38.630 --> 00:32:40.410 we're like trailing along behind. Maddie has 00:32:40.410 --> 00:32:43.430 an idea, but follows along for now. I guess I 00:32:43.430 --> 00:32:47.069 bang the gavel. You bang the gavel as the parents 00:32:47.069 --> 00:32:50.930 here in the crowd are not happy. You're a bunch 00:32:50.930 --> 00:32:53.170 of blow -ins, and these kids have been working 00:32:53.170 --> 00:32:56.710 very hard. Now, I know you don't know us from 00:32:56.710 --> 00:32:59.809 Adam, but I can assure you, will be impartial, 00:32:59.869 --> 00:33:02.009 and quite possibly the only ones here who can 00:33:02.009 --> 00:33:04.569 be. And these are quite clearly very talented 00:33:04.569 --> 00:33:06.849 kids, and we're all very eager to see their performances. 00:33:07.250 --> 00:33:10.789 So I think we should all go on ahead with the 00:33:10.789 --> 00:33:12.250 show. Quite clearly we've been working hard, 00:33:12.470 --> 00:33:13.789 and we want to give them a proper opportunity, 00:33:14.069 --> 00:33:16.109 so no complaining from any of the parents, all 00:33:16.109 --> 00:33:18.789 right? The crowd once again erupts with protests. 00:33:19.230 --> 00:33:23.490 I bang the gavel. You bang the gavel. Now we 00:33:23.490 --> 00:33:24.890 won't be having any of this here. You're ruining 00:33:24.890 --> 00:33:27.799 the kids' day. A familiar voice from last night 00:33:27.799 --> 00:33:30.920 pipes up. Here, here. No, look, the kid's already 00:33:30.920 --> 00:33:33.980 had a wee go, all right? He said we're jewel 00:33:33.980 --> 00:33:37.220 -booked, okay? We'll go one about. And look, 00:33:37.279 --> 00:33:38.759 Maurice, you have something to say, don't you? 00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:40.680 We're going to deal with this tooth situation 00:33:40.680 --> 00:33:44.130 once and for all. I have something to say. Yes, 00:33:44.150 --> 00:33:48.910 hello, fine people of Ballybogle. I'm Maurice 00:33:48.910 --> 00:33:52.230 Piper. You know me well. That's my wife, Violet. 00:33:52.349 --> 00:33:55.990 Hello. I stand before you today as a proud biller, 00:33:56.009 --> 00:33:58.890 a proud, oh God, a proud pillar, not a biller, 00:33:58.910 --> 00:34:00.329 I sound like an idiot. Don't worry, love, don't 00:34:00.329 --> 00:34:03.789 worry. A proud pillar of the Ballybogle community. 00:34:04.509 --> 00:34:06.950 Without Piper's hammers and beans, where would 00:34:06.950 --> 00:34:09.889 you get your cans of tuna? Your paracetamol? 00:34:10.750 --> 00:34:15.150 Your fresh socks? and chainsaw blades. Put your 00:34:15.150 --> 00:34:18.030 trust in me to keep this town stocked, so put 00:34:18.030 --> 00:34:23.449 it in me now. What? Your trust. We accuse Linus 00:34:23.449 --> 00:34:25.969 Mawinney. You accuse Linus Mawinney. I accuse 00:34:25.969 --> 00:34:30.179 Linus Mawinney. The man is strange. He comes 00:34:30.179 --> 00:34:34.320 from a big city. He's fairly new in town and 00:34:34.320 --> 00:34:37.920 he works nights. He probably uses teeth for all 00:34:37.920 --> 00:34:41.059 sorts of weird rituals and he has lingering long 00:34:41.059 --> 00:34:44.679 stares at wives. He's a charlatan and he doesn't 00:34:44.679 --> 00:34:49.179 go to church. And I've said my piece and thank 00:34:49.179 --> 00:34:52.019 you so much. Please continue to use Piper's Hammers 00:34:52.019 --> 00:34:54.159 and Beans. Sit down, love your embarrassing yourself. 00:34:54.539 --> 00:34:58.289 I love you. I love you too. Thank you very much, 00:34:58.369 --> 00:35:00.389 Maurice. That was wonderfully put. Thank you, 00:35:00.389 --> 00:35:04.269 Dylan. We're not going to discourage accusations 00:35:04.269 --> 00:35:07.409 of this nature. Well, you know, I'm just happy 00:35:07.409 --> 00:35:09.989 that it's... Of course you're happy. I am, yeah. 00:35:10.070 --> 00:35:13.289 Literally, I've never been so happy in my life. 00:35:13.570 --> 00:35:15.530 Where's Linus Mawinney? Is it that sweating man 00:35:15.530 --> 00:35:18.980 there? Linus Mone is not here today, sir, because, 00:35:19.360 --> 00:35:21.420 as I said, he works... Sorry for calling you 00:35:21.420 --> 00:35:23.500 sweaty, sir. Sorry for calling you sweaty, sir. 00:35:23.519 --> 00:35:25.500 Apologies. That's perfectly acceptable. No, not 00:35:25.500 --> 00:35:28.059 you, Maurice. The man behind you. That's sweaty, 00:35:28.219 --> 00:35:30.800 Dave, and he would not take it as an offence. 00:35:30.940 --> 00:35:33.500 Don't worry. I don't mind. It's fine. It's perfectly 00:35:33.500 --> 00:35:37.619 out of those. As you all know, I love you all. 00:35:37.739 --> 00:35:40.179 Love you too, Maurice. And I hope that you take 00:35:40.179 --> 00:35:44.320 my accusation very seriously. Linus Mone, I do 00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:47.690 not like him. I think he steals teeth. He does 00:35:47.690 --> 00:35:52.829 some sort of weird Eastern medicine. Oh, there's 00:35:52.829 --> 00:35:56.590 a kid over there trampolining. Yeah, I think 00:35:56.590 --> 00:35:59.210 this is a... You spoke your piece, Morris. Let's 00:35:59.210 --> 00:36:02.889 leave it at that. Oh, look at that kid bounce. 00:36:04.119 --> 00:36:07.400 Yeah, let's look at the weigh -ins. Okay, okay. 00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:11.019 Okay, Pride parents, please keep up that feisty 00:36:11.019 --> 00:36:13.400 energy as you put your hands together for our 00:36:13.400 --> 00:36:17.480 next talented tot, Tommy Lee. A skinny wee fella, 00:36:17.639 --> 00:36:19.880 no more than eight years of age, walks into the 00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:21.920 space cleared at the far end of the hall that's 00:36:21.920 --> 00:36:24.579 serving as the stage for this talent show. Dragging 00:36:24.579 --> 00:36:26.679 behind him is a pillowcase, which he proceeds 00:36:26.679 --> 00:36:29.440 to empty onto the floor. An array of cuddly toys 00:36:29.440 --> 00:36:31.800 spills out onto the hardwood before he tears 00:36:31.800 --> 00:36:34.000 open his school shirt, revealing a breadth to 00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:37.099 the hitman heart vest. This young lad then showcases 00:36:37.099 --> 00:36:39.800 some surprisingly accurate wrestling moves on 00:36:39.800 --> 00:36:42.260 this assortment of cuddleables, landing suplex 00:36:42.260 --> 00:36:45.119 after suplex on a stuffed elephant before chokeslamming 00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:48.380 a crocheted representation of Postman Pat. Bellowing 00:36:48.380 --> 00:36:50.480 as loud as his pre -teen lungs will let him, 00:36:50.539 --> 00:36:53.260 he screams, the best there is, the best there 00:36:53.260 --> 00:36:56.389 was, and the best there will ever be. before 00:36:56.389 --> 00:36:58.570 taking a bow and stuffing his battery toys back 00:36:58.570 --> 00:37:01.929 into the pillowcase and shuffling off. Woo! That 00:37:01.929 --> 00:37:05.150 was brilliant. Hell yeah! That was incredible. 00:37:05.630 --> 00:37:07.809 We should get that kid to do soft glass glasses. 00:37:08.349 --> 00:37:10.190 I mean, I could see that. That's a contender 00:37:10.190 --> 00:37:12.050 for the belt if I've ever seen one. Hey, guys, 00:37:12.210 --> 00:37:16.050 I don't know. I want to run something past you. 00:37:16.329 --> 00:37:18.489 Just, you know, slightly away. Yeah, sure, that's 00:37:18.489 --> 00:37:20.909 covered. Folks, give us just one second. Just 00:37:20.909 --> 00:37:24.039 one moment while the judges convene. So... These 00:37:24.039 --> 00:37:27.360 guys don't really like us. These parents, they 00:37:27.360 --> 00:37:31.219 don't like us. Right? Yeah, no. The townspeople 00:37:31.219 --> 00:37:34.860 don't know. Dolan's Charm? I mean, they'll never 00:37:34.860 --> 00:37:36.980 like any judge or teacher. That's just part of 00:37:36.980 --> 00:37:39.280 the territory. Well, okay. Then I was thinking 00:37:39.280 --> 00:37:41.940 that, you know, maybe we could lean into this 00:37:41.940 --> 00:37:43.840 kind of rivalry a bit more. You know, we're the 00:37:43.840 --> 00:37:47.440 out -of -towners. We're the unknowns. And these 00:37:47.440 --> 00:37:49.920 people like their, you know, youth sports scenes. 00:37:50.380 --> 00:37:53.420 I know that I'm not... young as these kids are 00:37:53.420 --> 00:37:55.159 you suggesting you entered a children's talent 00:37:55.159 --> 00:37:58.519 show i kind of really want to yeah i i feel like 00:37:58.519 --> 00:38:00.360 this is my time to shine and i'm just really 00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:02.579 inspired by these kids so i just want to give 00:38:02.579 --> 00:38:04.679 something to go i was thinking ribbon but you 00:38:04.679 --> 00:38:06.239 know whenever i'm out there let's see what happens 00:38:06.239 --> 00:38:07.840 there's a pommel horse you know there's rings 00:38:07.840 --> 00:38:10.599 i could maybe do a summer song we can see what 00:38:10.599 --> 00:38:12.380 happens i don't know if you know people would 00:38:12.380 --> 00:38:16.039 think favorably of that generally um but i'm 00:38:16.039 --> 00:38:18.019 just kind of inspired and i just have this real 00:38:18.019 --> 00:38:20.880 fire in me to perform for these people Well, 00:38:20.900 --> 00:38:23.820 why don't you two go and, like, try out? Oh, 00:38:23.820 --> 00:38:25.599 thanks for coming behind the judges' table, by 00:38:25.599 --> 00:38:28.079 the way. I'm sorry, you didn't... I've been here 00:38:28.079 --> 00:38:31.179 the entire time. Sylvester has indeed been there 00:38:31.179 --> 00:38:33.480 the entire time. The four of yous are all huddling 00:38:33.480 --> 00:38:35.239 together and there is a room of people watching. 00:38:35.440 --> 00:38:38.320 You're very quiet. I know, I know. Like, I'm 00:38:38.320 --> 00:38:42.079 a man who's quite tall, but so easily overlooked. 00:38:42.619 --> 00:38:45.179 Anyway, I think you guys should go and try that. 00:38:45.239 --> 00:38:48.300 I really do think you'd do really well, I think. 00:38:48.860 --> 00:38:50.699 And then we can sort out the whole teeth thing 00:38:50.699 --> 00:38:52.699 because, you know, people aren't really suspecting 00:38:52.699 --> 00:38:56.500 me anymore, turns out. You know, you actually 00:38:56.500 --> 00:38:58.219 put that in a way that appeals to me a lot more. 00:38:58.519 --> 00:39:01.739 Yeah, you two keep busy with the Children's Talent 00:39:01.739 --> 00:39:03.500 Show and we'll try and solve the supernatural 00:39:03.500 --> 00:39:06.719 mystery. Yeah, let's clear my name. Yeah, I do 00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:09.559 want to clear your name. Excuse me, excuse me. 00:39:10.380 --> 00:39:13.239 Yes, thanks for putting up your hand. Oh, you're 00:39:13.239 --> 00:39:17.829 very welcome. Hello. My name is Lynn. Hello, 00:39:17.849 --> 00:39:23.590 sinners. Oh, no. Uh -oh. I play... We did cut 00:39:23.590 --> 00:39:25.590 off Maurice when we thought it was getting dicey. 00:39:25.590 --> 00:39:28.530 We will do the same again. I don't judge anyone. 00:39:28.670 --> 00:39:32.110 Only God judges people. I play keyboard for the 00:39:32.110 --> 00:39:36.179 church. I light the candles, I hoover, I mop, 00:39:36.539 --> 00:39:39.559 I teach the Sunday school. And quite frankly, 00:39:39.719 --> 00:39:42.820 this situation, I blame the lot of you. This 00:39:42.820 --> 00:39:45.639 woman points at every other person in the auditorium. 00:39:45.659 --> 00:39:47.360 She doesn't really point at you, because you're 00:39:47.360 --> 00:39:52.659 a new. For the sins of vanity and lying, adultery, 00:39:52.840 --> 00:39:55.719 speaking out against elders. Rubbing your mucky 00:39:55.719 --> 00:39:59.219 shoes all over the pews. Listen, this smoke show 00:39:59.219 --> 00:40:02.320 can't help suggesting everyone who sees adultery 00:40:02.320 --> 00:40:07.599 isn't that bad. I am faithful to my wife. It's 00:40:07.599 --> 00:40:10.679 literally in the only book I've ever read. It's 00:40:10.679 --> 00:40:14.949 bad. What's that? Adultery. Adultery? Yes. It's 00:40:14.949 --> 00:40:17.050 on one of the first pages. Or maybe, like, a 00:40:17.050 --> 00:40:18.750 bit into it. You haven't read the Bible at all? 00:40:18.789 --> 00:40:20.590 I have. I read it so much, I don't even remember 00:40:20.590 --> 00:40:23.469 what page I'm on. Convenient. Alright, so your 00:40:23.469 --> 00:40:25.610 accusation is against every single person in 00:40:25.610 --> 00:40:27.989 this room? Yes, this is a punishment from God. 00:40:28.110 --> 00:40:31.929 And as you can see, not a single one of my teeth 00:40:31.929 --> 00:40:34.670 have been taken. Alright, so that's one vote 00:40:34.670 --> 00:40:38.170 for Linus Mahini. What's your name? And one vote 00:40:38.170 --> 00:40:39.989 for everyone in this room. My name's Lin. This 00:40:39.989 --> 00:40:46.380 isn't Linus. Lin who? Lin Bradwell. No, I'm saying 00:40:46.380 --> 00:40:52.019 Maurice voted for Linus. We're not doing a vote. 00:40:52.159 --> 00:40:55.300 And I vote for everyone. Can I also say, this 00:40:55.300 --> 00:40:56.800 is looking quite good so far. I thought there 00:40:56.800 --> 00:40:59.760 would be more votes for Sylvester. I am literally 00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:03.400 flabbergasted. I'm sorry, Sylvester can attest 00:41:03.400 --> 00:41:05.840 to this. I have excellent dental hygiene, don't 00:41:05.840 --> 00:41:09.260 I? You have fantastic dental hygiene. I know 00:41:09.260 --> 00:41:11.800 you have a lot of calcium in your diet, you floss, 00:41:12.119 --> 00:41:15.460 you oil pull, you tongue scrape, and your bloody 00:41:15.460 --> 00:41:18.159 brush. Well, I hope all the kids who are listening 00:41:18.159 --> 00:41:20.690 have some valuable information in this. Hello 00:41:20.690 --> 00:41:24.869 again, proud parents and accusers. Please clap 00:41:24.869 --> 00:41:27.670 your flippers for the semi -aquatic stylings 00:41:27.670 --> 00:41:31.030 of Dry, Dry, Dry, the country's first and only 00:41:31.030 --> 00:41:33.989 dry -synchronized swimming team. To thunderous 00:41:33.989 --> 00:41:36.750 applause, eight boys and girls take center stage, 00:41:37.070 --> 00:41:39.550 all dressed in a variety of swimwear with matching 00:41:39.550 --> 00:41:42.530 red swim caps. With the first notes of a legally 00:41:42.530 --> 00:41:44.789 distinct song that sounds a little bit like Billy 00:41:44.789 --> 00:41:47.510 Ray Cyrus' icky breaky heart play over the tannoy, 00:41:47.630 --> 00:41:50.389 all eight of the kids drop to the floor and begin 00:41:50.389 --> 00:41:52.829 to perform what is certainly the driest synchronised 00:41:52.829 --> 00:41:55.949 swimming performance you have ever seen. Awkwardly 00:41:55.949 --> 00:41:57.789 shuffling around on the floor on their backs 00:41:57.789 --> 00:41:59.969 and bellies, waving their arms around like they're 00:41:59.969 --> 00:42:02.210 gliding through the water. The hall is filled 00:42:02.210 --> 00:42:04.110 with the sorts of sounds that usually accompany 00:42:04.110 --> 00:42:07.179 a friction burn. As the song reaches its climax, 00:42:07.460 --> 00:42:09.679 seven of the performers shimmy their way around 00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:12.780 the tallest girl and encircle her. And in a move 00:42:12.780 --> 00:42:15.059 that surprises absolutely everyone in the room, 00:42:15.159 --> 00:42:17.920 they lift her aloft, balancing on the hands of 00:42:17.920 --> 00:42:20.460 her classmates. She lets out a wobbly before 00:42:20.460 --> 00:42:24.639 dismounting. A smattering of applause sweeps 00:42:24.639 --> 00:42:27.690 through the audience. I don't think we can follow 00:42:27.690 --> 00:42:30.190 that. No, I had an idea. I know I feel like they're 00:42:30.190 --> 00:42:32.250 just going to think that I'm copying. Was it 00:42:32.250 --> 00:42:34.809 that idea? No, I wanted us to do the bolero. 00:42:35.949 --> 00:42:38.949 Torvalin Dean's Olympic winning routine. The 00:42:38.949 --> 00:42:43.869 bolero. Yeah, but not on ice, on grind. Okay. 00:42:44.170 --> 00:42:46.969 Warm bolero. Warm bolero. Yeah, they're just 00:42:46.969 --> 00:42:48.510 going to think that we're copying the synchronized 00:42:48.510 --> 00:42:53.050 swimmers. Dolan, can you get a chant going? Yeah, 00:42:53.050 --> 00:42:57.659 Dolan, can you get it? Oz. Do you two have a 00:42:57.659 --> 00:43:02.539 name? Well, Gadi or Midian, your choice. I think, 00:43:02.539 --> 00:43:05.199 like, Midian's cooler. Midian? Sounds like, you 00:43:05.199 --> 00:43:08.940 know, a cool band. Oh, right. Herfy. Herfy? Herfy. 00:43:09.340 --> 00:43:14.019 Oh, yeah, I get it. So... Herfy. Mubble. Mubble. 00:43:14.099 --> 00:43:16.260 Sorry, are you guys going to perform right now? 00:43:16.460 --> 00:43:18.860 Yeah, we're going to do it. What is the name? 00:43:18.900 --> 00:43:19.820 You know what? I've forgotten the name. It doesn't 00:43:19.820 --> 00:43:23.079 matter. Mubble. Can I please have a social roll 00:43:23.079 --> 00:43:26.539 from you? With advantage, because you both have 00:43:26.539 --> 00:43:29.400 a gavel and a microphone. Let's see if you chanting 00:43:29.400 --> 00:43:31.539 Mubble over and over and over again will get 00:43:31.539 --> 00:43:34.400 some of the crowd to turn your way. 73, that's 00:43:34.400 --> 00:43:42.500 not going to do it. 76. Just one man going, Marble, 00:43:42.760 --> 00:43:46.019 Marble, Marble. You know what? I think it fails 00:43:46.019 --> 00:43:48.139 because I do it half -heartedly. I'm kind of 00:43:48.139 --> 00:43:53.099 going, Marble, Marble, Marble, Marble, Marble, 00:43:53.119 --> 00:43:55.800 Marble, Marble. No one joins in in the chant, 00:43:55.900 --> 00:43:58.500 but that will not stop you from striding up and 00:43:58.500 --> 00:44:01.079 attempting a dance. We've got to get in sync 00:44:01.079 --> 00:44:06.170 here. Marble. Three, two, one. Marble. Mubble. 00:44:06.550 --> 00:44:09.909 Mubble. Mubble. Mubble. All right, okay, you're 00:44:09.909 --> 00:44:13.489 leading for this bit. No, spin? Yes. Okay. Okay, 00:44:13.489 --> 00:44:17.329 and then... I will allow the pair of yous either 00:44:17.329 --> 00:44:21.849 an art or an agility roll. 75 over 60 for art. 00:44:22.869 --> 00:44:29.110 66 over 40 for either of them. So we've taken 00:44:29.110 --> 00:44:31.570 our shoes off and we're wearing our socks. Hi, 00:44:31.570 --> 00:44:36.489 Viz. Oh, delicious. Are you still wearing the 00:44:36.489 --> 00:44:39.170 gi? I've been getting... Are you still wearing 00:44:39.170 --> 00:44:41.510 the gi? You're wearing the t -shirt on over the 00:44:41.510 --> 00:44:43.349 gi. I've been wearing the gi. Covered in dog 00:44:43.349 --> 00:44:49.150 hair. I've been wearing the gi for 48 hours. 00:44:49.550 --> 00:44:52.570 So that's what I'm wearing. In terms of the dance, 00:44:52.829 --> 00:44:55.530 I'll be honest with you, I don't know what it 00:44:55.530 --> 00:45:01.949 is. So, Maddie, maybe... Maddie knows most of 00:45:01.949 --> 00:45:04.449 both parts of the routine, can obviously only 00:45:04.449 --> 00:45:07.170 execute one of them, and has sheer belief that 00:45:07.170 --> 00:45:10.849 through eye contact that they can convey what 00:45:10.849 --> 00:45:13.050 the move is and what the movements should be 00:45:13.050 --> 00:45:16.170 with some slight corrections of like, no, over 00:45:16.170 --> 00:45:17.690 there, no, you're leading this part, no, you 00:45:17.690 --> 00:45:21.110 have to lift me. How's we go? I land on my back. 00:45:23.199 --> 00:45:25.019 Because you keep throwing yourself under the 00:45:25.019 --> 00:45:26.440 bus, I'm going to have a preservation vote from 00:45:26.440 --> 00:45:29.139 you for landing on your back. I had another tin 00:45:29.139 --> 00:45:34.500 of beans. This is 60%. Well, it's less than 20 00:45:34.500 --> 00:45:39.079 is what it is. Despite this being an absolute 00:45:39.079 --> 00:45:41.880 shambles, you do manage to not fall on your arse 00:45:41.880 --> 00:45:43.360 and kind of make it look like you're doing some 00:45:43.360 --> 00:45:45.719 sort of excellent dismount from a throne. Wow, 00:45:45.719 --> 00:45:49.199 that was great. But will it work for the judges? 00:45:51.400 --> 00:45:54.099 Hubble. Hubble. Hubble. No, no, we can stop. 00:45:54.179 --> 00:45:58.760 No one applauds. I just can't go on. Thank you. 00:45:58.940 --> 00:46:02.500 Thank you. Thank you. We are regulars in Rathgool. 00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:05.860 Come and see us sometime at White's Tavern. Well, 00:46:05.880 --> 00:46:07.820 isn't that nice? They seem to have been inspired 00:46:07.820 --> 00:46:10.719 by that synchronised dancing routine and done 00:46:10.719 --> 00:46:13.199 quite clearly something very similar to that. 00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:15.980 Sorry, no, I'd like to speak. What's your name? 00:46:16.219 --> 00:46:18.960 My name's Alexander Little. Hi, everyone. How 00:46:18.960 --> 00:46:22.980 are you? Sure, you know me. I own the Sweet Tooth, 00:46:23.079 --> 00:46:24.960 the sweet shop in the centre of the village. 00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:27.139 Come on, Charizander, as you all sorted out. 00:46:27.420 --> 00:46:30.699 Now, as you all well know, I've been making my 00:46:30.699 --> 00:46:33.059 own saltwater taffy. Something to appeal to all 00:46:33.059 --> 00:46:34.579 the yanks that are going to pass through here, 00:46:34.699 --> 00:46:36.550 you know. And I heard there's a Canadian coming 00:46:36.550 --> 00:46:38.630 soon. But I was working on something special, 00:46:38.670 --> 00:46:40.610 right, the other day, like stars and stripes 00:46:40.610 --> 00:46:43.690 in taffy form, like a big chewable flag, for 00:46:43.690 --> 00:46:46.690 sharing amongst families, you know. Now, I gather 00:46:46.690 --> 00:46:49.190 all my water at the on stream near the textile 00:46:49.190 --> 00:46:51.789 factory. And when I tell you the suites were 00:46:51.789 --> 00:46:54.570 a bit off, that's an understatement. Never experienced 00:46:54.570 --> 00:46:57.170 anything as sticky in all my life. And red, white 00:46:57.170 --> 00:46:59.789 and blue, try purple, orange and grey. Whatever 00:46:59.789 --> 00:47:02.230 chemicals the on woman is using can't be good 00:47:02.230 --> 00:47:04.269 for you. Probably dissolving the teeth right 00:47:04.269 --> 00:47:08.489 there in people's mouths. So I left. I went up, 00:47:08.570 --> 00:47:10.590 right? I went up in the middle of the night and 00:47:10.590 --> 00:47:12.550 I left a big whole batch of that taffy on her 00:47:12.550 --> 00:47:14.690 doorstep at the factory. And she's welcome to 00:47:14.690 --> 00:47:17.449 it. People say sweets are bad, but you say sweets 00:47:17.449 --> 00:47:20.570 are bad, don't you? I say that every day. Oh, 00:47:20.590 --> 00:47:22.590 come on, sure. You need to have a wee bit of 00:47:22.590 --> 00:47:25.730 fun in your life. I keep you in business. No, 00:47:25.750 --> 00:47:29.030 my bit of fun is having functional teeth. All 00:47:29.030 --> 00:47:32.519 of them. Alexander, why are you saying this at 00:47:32.519 --> 00:47:34.800 a town hall meeting? What's going on? Look, I 00:47:34.800 --> 00:47:36.739 think people's teeth are falling out because 00:47:36.739 --> 00:47:39.659 of what your woman, Man Oonan, she's running 00:47:39.659 --> 00:47:41.760 that textile factory. She's pumping all sorts 00:47:41.760 --> 00:47:44.760 of nonsense. All sorts of nonsense into the water 00:47:44.760 --> 00:47:48.920 to play here. I know that water in this part 00:47:48.920 --> 00:47:51.940 of the country can come out brown. It can be 00:47:51.940 --> 00:47:54.840 cloudy. But I normally like that taste. There's 00:47:54.840 --> 00:47:57.340 something in the water. It's weird. I don't like 00:47:57.340 --> 00:48:00.030 it. I don't like it. And it's her fault. You 00:48:00.030 --> 00:48:02.269 don't see me flushing stuff down my toilet. No. 00:48:02.650 --> 00:48:04.510 You don't flush anything down your toilet. I 00:48:04.510 --> 00:48:07.909 flush the usual stuff down the toilet. Sidebar, 00:48:07.929 --> 00:48:13.130 please. I think we should do a do -over, I think. 00:48:13.510 --> 00:48:16.309 Oh, a do -over? Yeah, sweet, let's go. Let's 00:48:16.309 --> 00:48:19.449 go. Can you try again? Absolutely not. Okay, 00:48:19.510 --> 00:48:23.630 sweet. All right. Oh, it's a one for an art roll. 00:48:25.460 --> 00:48:27.539 Wait, what's happening? I thought you were saying 00:48:27.539 --> 00:48:29.380 we should do a do -over. As in we should dance 00:48:29.380 --> 00:48:32.579 again? I'm out there on the floor. I know. Can 00:48:32.579 --> 00:48:34.659 that man please get off the floor? Because it's 00:48:34.659 --> 00:48:37.000 the moment you've all been waiting for. But it 00:48:37.000 --> 00:48:40.179 was a one. It's a natural one. It's time to pop 00:48:40.179 --> 00:48:46.000 and lock with Flo Surrender. No! Gideon is cutting 00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:49.760 an absolute rug. He is graceful as all get out. 00:48:49.900 --> 00:48:52.380 But these four young lads come out in their matching 00:48:52.380 --> 00:48:54.960 boy brigade sashes and the baggiest jeans available 00:48:54.960 --> 00:48:57.719 in Ireland in 1993. One of their mates brings 00:48:57.719 --> 00:48:59.400 out a little drum machine and starts bashing 00:48:59.400 --> 00:49:01.179 away at the buttons, playing a song that sounds 00:49:01.179 --> 00:49:03.760 not dissimilar to Wimp. There it is by Tag Team. 00:49:04.329 --> 00:49:06.750 As this legally distinct melody blasts from the 00:49:06.750 --> 00:49:08.650 speakers, they start popping and locking like 00:49:08.650 --> 00:49:11.230 you wouldn't believe. I swear to you, one of 00:49:11.230 --> 00:49:13.449 them moves like an honest -to -God robot. As 00:49:13.449 --> 00:49:15.110 each of these wee fellas start spinning on their 00:49:15.110 --> 00:49:17.389 heads, it's like someone flicked on an overhead 00:49:17.389 --> 00:49:20.789 fan in the room. These boys are moving air, like 00:49:20.789 --> 00:49:22.590 watching a bunch of whirling dervishes, but upside 00:49:22.590 --> 00:49:25.590 down. There's no doubt about it, this is what 00:49:25.590 --> 00:49:28.489 they would likely refer to as dope. Wasn't there, 00:49:28.630 --> 00:49:31.889 didn't they mention in... Pipers, hammers and 00:49:31.889 --> 00:49:34.489 beans. I think Maurice was talking about somebody. 00:49:35.590 --> 00:49:37.909 I don't like you hanging out with someone with 00:49:37.909 --> 00:49:42.710 baggy pants. Are these dope kids to blame? Not 00:49:42.710 --> 00:49:44.929 to sound like an old man, but are they kids? 00:49:44.929 --> 00:49:49.050 I'm going to assume it's not children. There's 00:49:49.050 --> 00:49:51.769 so many leads. No, because he said that person, 00:49:52.090 --> 00:49:55.230 I think there's eight of those children, you 00:49:55.230 --> 00:49:59.440 know. Must be someone else, surely. I would like 00:49:59.440 --> 00:50:04.420 to call Maurice to the bench. Hello? Look, if 00:50:04.420 --> 00:50:06.179 he's going up, I'm going up with him, alright? 00:50:06.559 --> 00:50:10.320 That seems appropriate. Hold my hand, love. Please 00:50:10.320 --> 00:50:12.460 approach the bench. I've got you. And you've 00:50:12.460 --> 00:50:16.090 got me. Always. Always. I love you. Um, Maurice, 00:50:16.250 --> 00:50:18.369 you said earlier about someone with baggy pants. 00:50:18.670 --> 00:50:21.050 Yes, that was Linus Mulwaney, the man I accused. 00:50:21.289 --> 00:50:23.510 Oh, that makes a lot of sense. All right, off 00:50:23.510 --> 00:50:27.230 you go. No, I'm sorry. No, no, no. While we're 00:50:27.230 --> 00:50:30.849 up here, we're talking about water and sweets 00:50:30.849 --> 00:50:35.449 and God. Why is no one accusing the obvious person 00:50:35.449 --> 00:50:39.719 in the room? I'm looking at you. Come on. How 00:50:39.719 --> 00:50:42.159 can I have conversations about teeth? Sylvester, 00:50:42.159 --> 00:50:44.800 do not speak. The crowd erupts. No, no, I will 00:50:44.800 --> 00:50:49.239 speak. I will speak. I've been in this town for 00:50:49.239 --> 00:50:53.719 many years and I left for a bit to pursue a dream 00:50:53.719 --> 00:50:56.139 I should never have had. It was a nightmare. 00:50:56.780 --> 00:51:00.079 But now I've been here for years and I've tried 00:51:00.079 --> 00:51:03.739 to serve all of you best I can. It's not me doing 00:51:03.739 --> 00:51:08.159 this to your teeth. It's not me, but we must 00:51:08.159 --> 00:51:12.280 find out who did or what did. Together we can 00:51:12.280 --> 00:51:15.420 come up with a solution, but it mustn't be me. 00:51:15.800 --> 00:51:18.480 I'd never do such a thing. I love teeth. I'd 00:51:18.480 --> 00:51:22.239 never hurt them in such a way. Can I please have 00:51:22.239 --> 00:51:25.679 a social role from you? And I'm, you know what? 00:51:25.960 --> 00:51:28.019 I'm going to give you advantage because that 00:51:28.019 --> 00:51:30.579 was an impassioned speech. And again, you've 00:51:30.579 --> 00:51:32.840 got the power of the tannoy speaker system amplifying 00:51:32.840 --> 00:51:38.840 your voice. 19. Nineteen. You see some begrudging 00:51:38.840 --> 00:51:42.260 nods of acknowledgement sweep across the crowd, 00:51:42.400 --> 00:51:46.079 and young Alexander stands up. All right, okay. 00:51:47.119 --> 00:51:50.440 Let's see what you can do, but we're watching 00:51:50.440 --> 00:51:53.920 you, all right? That mare put you in charge of 00:51:53.920 --> 00:51:57.739 solving this problem and picking a winner. So 00:51:57.739 --> 00:52:00.960 do that, and then get out there and do the other 00:52:00.960 --> 00:52:03.659 thing, right? All right, so currently we have 00:52:03.659 --> 00:52:07.420 one vote for Linus. We're not doing that. No, 00:52:07.420 --> 00:52:10.019 no, I think... I suppose you can't vote for the 00:52:10.019 --> 00:52:13.320 kids. Which kid was best? As someone who knows 00:52:13.320 --> 00:52:18.920 about teeth people, the animals... No, no, no, 00:52:18.940 --> 00:52:21.579 don't worry, don't worry. That's not on the cards, 00:52:21.699 --> 00:52:23.320 don't worry. Assumptive won't let me see the 00:52:23.320 --> 00:52:27.079 file on the teeth people. The thing is, we maybe 00:52:27.079 --> 00:52:29.340 should think about what Alexander said about 00:52:29.340 --> 00:52:34.519 the textile factory. Because as I know, as a 00:52:34.519 --> 00:52:39.400 medicine man, is the fact that, you know, what's 00:52:39.400 --> 00:52:42.320 been put into the water. If someone ingests something, 00:52:42.539 --> 00:52:45.320 sometimes that can affect your teeth. Sylvester, 00:52:45.380 --> 00:52:47.820 these are all great points. But at this point, 00:52:47.840 --> 00:52:50.099 we do need to judge a local talent competition 00:52:50.099 --> 00:52:53.210 for local children. I mean, I feel like that's 00:52:53.210 --> 00:52:56.190 the easier one to solve. I think the wrestler 00:52:56.190 --> 00:53:00.230 boy. The wrestler boy, yeah. Because I just thought 00:53:00.230 --> 00:53:03.550 there's a future in that. I think really show 00:53:03.550 --> 00:53:06.530 Postman Pat who's boss. We have different reasons, 00:53:06.610 --> 00:53:08.110 but I think we're on the same page. How about 00:53:08.110 --> 00:53:14.889 you two? Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. 00:53:15.530 --> 00:53:17.829 Without even having to announce it, the entire 00:53:17.829 --> 00:53:21.219 crowd began chanting Tommy's name. And guess 00:53:21.219 --> 00:53:28.780 who comes out for an encore? Next time on The 00:53:28.780 --> 00:53:31.219 Bad Articles, join our knuckles and my dentist 00:53:31.219 --> 00:53:33.639 as they investigate a potentially evil textile 00:53:33.639 --> 00:53:35.940 factory and chat to a fellow who wears baggy 00:53:35.940 --> 00:53:38.800 trousers like Aladdin. The Bad Articles is created 00:53:38.800 --> 00:53:41.699 by J .R. McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It is produced 00:53:41.699 --> 00:53:44.320 at Felbryn Studios by the wonderful Clark Phillips 00:53:44.320 --> 00:53:46.699 with additional sounds and voices from Conleth 00:53:46.699 --> 00:53:50.719 McVeigh. Starring Laura Conlon. Patrick Meier, 00:53:50.980 --> 00:53:53.639 Niall McKenna, and Amelia Price.