Last time in the bad articles, our knuckles made
their way through a series of man-made puzzles
beneath the sea senor and come upon some sort
of massive cove. I wonder if I've got tunnels
underneath my pub? Stick around to find out what
happens next, unless you're a bloody coward.
Since the dawn of time, Ireland has played host
to unimaginable horrors, ushered in through an
ever -wakening veil between our world and the
other side. They live on. Among us, shaping our
mythology, sowing chaos, scaring the shit out
of people. Not all hope is lost. Underfunded,
undergunned and underappreciated, the OSNA stand
proudly in the way of unchecked otherworldly
chaos. This secret network of brave volunteers
put their lives and their sanity on the line,
all for a better tomorrow. Have you ever been
sleeping over at your cousin's house and his
Ric Flair action figure turns to you in the night
and says... and you freak out and wake up the
cousin. But by that stage, the toy has gone dormant
again. You'd better call the OSNA before you
find yourself in the bad articles. We rejoin
our knuckles as they have just completed three
absolutely ludicrous man -made puzzles as they
stand in a dark cove. And it is truly dark in
here. While you can see the crow's nest, you
can't see much else that what it's attached to.
But as your eyes adjust, you begin to make out
what appears to be the shape of a tiki torch
at the edge of the platform. And next to it is
a classic little coin -operated top -up machine
with familiar gas lines from within the tunnel,
feeding directly into the torch. The cat bolts
off into the darkness and begins to hop down
the rocks. No. Out of sight. No. You were going
to be a friend for Kyle. It's coin -operated,
but I'm a little light right now. I mean, I can...
Put money in. I just, I don't know what will
happen. Well, presumably. Oh, like any of us
know what's going to happen. It's going to light
up the space. It's the gas. It's the light. Should
I put in money? Yes. All right. All right. Okay.
I put in a pound coin. As the pound coin falls
into the slot of the machine, you hear the hissing
of gas, and the torch in front of you sparks
to life, followed quickly by seven more torches
that are dotted around the high platforms, utterly
encircling this lagoon below. They go up like
Gondor calling for aid. By the light of these
eight torches, you are assaulted by the sheer
size of this cove. It is massive, and as you
trace your eyes down the length of the mast,
you see a ship docked in the centre of the lagoon,
damaged severely by the jagged rocks that are
peppered amongst the water. What a sight to behold,
eh? I think that cage leads us right to the dollar
row, so... Yeah, I feel like we can't do anything
else. All right. Honestly, I'm more concerned
about being in a closed cage with you while you're
covered in shit. You know what? You saved us
from doing it, so I shouldn't complain. Okay.
Now it seems like a good point as any. Babysitting?
Babysitting me? Babysitting him? I get that.
The cage is locked, and we're going down, so
you can't get away. Babysitting me as well? Yeah.
Sorry. Is there more to that outside of you're
offended by it? For what? What actions of mine
need babysat? This man's covered in shit. I don't
know. You seem to be talking to your ex the whole
time. When we were trapped. And? We're on a mission.
I was getting intel. Also, he's nice and maybe
dead. Also, when you guys decided to break into
a place, you stayed extra time to steal a robot.
You fucking look me in my two eyes and tell me
you wouldn't have done the goddamn same. I wouldn't
have done the same. Liar. It's a fucking robot.
You hate technology. I don't hate technology.
It's the cutting edge. It can pour a pint now.
You reach the bottom of the cove with a little
sploosh as the floor of the lift lands onto the
top of the water. You can see a small raft next
to the ship attached to a rope which is anchored
to a rock next to you and to the belly of the
ship. Using the rope to ferry yourselves across,
you find yourselves eye to eye with the hull
of this monstrous galleon. It is easily hundreds
of years old. The hollow mouths of black cannons
peek out from countless gun ports, barnacles
peppering the ancient and ever -creaking wood
of this vessel. You're able to get a hold of
a rope ladder, which takes you all the way up
to the poop deck, passing a sign which reads
Dolarosa. When you set foot on the deck, it is
impossible not to notice an absolute abundance
of gold coins. Aztec coin. You're immediately
startled by a noise emanating from within the
captain's chambers. Hiding behind some barrels,
you peek from cover to see three familiar faces
behind the murky windows of the captain's chambers.
Samuel Ryan, Spudbag, and Rubblesack. Spudbag
stands to the back, wielding an electric torch.
It is hard to know what they're saying, or what
they're looking at. It's dark in there, even
with the glow of Spudbag's flashlight. You can,
however... see that the three men appear to have
found something. We cut to the interior of the
captain's chambers. Dust lingers in the air,
illuminated by the light of Spudbag's torch.
Dim shadows dance malevolently against the walls
as a figure struggles to its feet. The very flesh
of this skeletal husk of a man, peeling like
the bark off a birch tree, as he begins to slowly
rise from the fetal position in the corner of
this ancient chamber. Sweet Jesus, Spudbag. What
on God's good green earth is that? I'm not sure,
Rubblesack, but it's all minging and gangly,
like a Nosferatu. That, my sweet Spudbag, is
indeed an apt description. This creature is most
hideous. Perhaps, Rubblesack, rather than remain
entranced by this grim visage, it should be on
our best interests to leave. Two for two, sweet
Spudbag. Though, may I suggest that we take the
liberty of paying ourselves on the way out? There's
certainly enough gold here to get you a new Casio
keyboard and then some. Quite right, Rubblesack.
And it's like our therapist says, you don't have
to stay in bad situations. As those two lovable
goons are gathering coins, Samuel Ryan slithers
his way to the door of the captain's chambers,
suddenly closing it and ramming a rusted sword
through the handle, like in the films. Well,
my sweet spot back. It would appear as though
we have been betrayed. Oh, Rubble Sack, our terrible
lust for gold and our poor judgment of characters
have indeed led to our demise. The creature lurches
towards them and holds out a crooked and gnarled
hand wrapped around a stone disc. Spudbag and
Rubblesack clasp each other and shut their eyes
as years of their lives are stripped from their
bodies like the sands of time, entering the stone
and beginning to sew this creature back together.
And with that, the seemingly mummified corpses
of Spudbag and Rubblesack slump to the ground,
still clutching each other and a rake of gold
coins. We cut back to our agents, cowering behind
some barrels. You see Samuel Ryan whimpering
as the door to the captain's chamber begins to
age. The rust on that sword grows rapidly, and
even the very handle of the door begins to crumble
into dust. In the frame of the door stands what
you can only surmise was once a man. adorned
in 16th century naval attire and clasping a stone
disc with a familiar engraving upon it. Samuel
Ryan drops to his knees. Please, mercy, he came
to help. When you and your companions came upon
me half a century ago, I had already been here
for four hundred years, too weak to escape. And
this body, unwilling to die. Can you imagine
the torture? We didn't mean to. We didn't know.
There was a storm, our boat capsized, and the
four of us found our way inside the coffer shelter.
I like this story. Two broke into my prison.
One created by a crew of worthless mutineers.
My own men trapped me here because they did not
understand the power of this stone. Did not.
Understand the hunger. One of our lifeboats was
thrown against the rocks. It just revealed an
opening. We had no choice. How could we know
what was inside this cave? No choice? Ha! Thieves!
All of you. I should have devoured you all when
I had the chance. I came back, didn't I? I came
to set you free. I had the mackerel killed for
you. For me, after 50 years of keeping my power
at bay by the light of those damn torches, another
50 years of hunger, while you and your kin reap
the benefit of being near the stone, long life.
Look, I'm sorry. The others are dead now, though.
It's just me, and I'm here to release you. You
are a snake, Samuel Ryan. I might have been too
weak to stop you, but do not think I didn't want
to... Notice your frequent trips to my book deck.
A coin here, a coin there, yes. Greed is what
drives you. A hunger. And I thank your comrades
for satiating mine. Yes, that's why I brought
them. Don't you see? What I see is a fool. A
fool who thinks himself able to barter with a
god. A god? Come on now. You've got a wee magic
stone stuck to your hand. It hardly makes you
a god. I am more of a god than you. That's semantics.
Look, I've come to release you. And I ask something
in return, though. I'm dying. Ever since the
mackerel kicked me out of the sea, senor, I've
been aging. You know, like, really aging. If
you were here to release me, why would you have
relit the braziers? Don't you think that I can
feel them? The fires might stop the power of
the stone, but that does not help you. The braziers?
But I didn't light them. Please, I need more
time. My name is Inigo Valdez. You have stolen
enough time from me, and yours, Snake, is up.
Valdez raises his stony disc hand to the coward
Snake Samuel Ryan and devours what little life
the man had left in him. You can see the sands
of time flowing through Valdez and visibly knitting
parts of him back together. It looks a little
bit like what happens to the Nazis at the end
of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but in
reverse. Suddenly, slinking down from the mast,
you see a familiar little ginger tabby cat doing
that cocksure walk that cats do. It's that wee
bugger from upstairs. And if cats could talk,
this one would surely be mourning the death of
sweet Spudbag. Maybe he had ham in his pockets.
We'll never know. The cat does that wee arse
wiggle that they do when they're threatening
to jump, but it stops upon noticing you behind
the barrels. I think we're fucked. Yeah. This
is no worm. This is a lot more serious. It's
a lot more serious than the worm. It's a lot
more serious. That's kind of a sorcery stone
dealio by the sounds of it. It's actual magic.
This is terrifying. Yeah, this is... I've shit
myself, actually. You can't tell because I'm
covered in shit, but I have shit myself. Standing
in the doorframe, you see this weird looking
old admiral fella. That stone is fully fused
into that man's hand and he is casting his eyes
across the poop deck. You're all cowering behind
some barrels about 20 feet away from him. I would
like to cast around for some kind of pirate weapon.
There are rusted swords, spears and a bunch of
gold just strewn all over the deck of this ship.
It is wrecked. But there's loads of stuff here.
Okay, so it sounds like, and I don't mean to
be glib, you have the most experience removing
arms. I literally have the same idea. And speaking
Spanish. And speaking Spanish. But I was thinking,
I will, one of you needs to do a distraction.
And I think because you're the adult and the
most charismatic, you've seen it happen. I'll
do it. I'll do the distraction. Do you think
you could seduce him? Flirt with him. Flirt with
him. I'm not a flirt. I don't know how you two
got this impression. I am happily married. I
just... It doesn't mean that you're not trying.
I'm not trying. It does mean that. Okay, let's
say you're not aware of the effect you have on
people. But listen, you're a stud. I'm going
to take the cat and I'm going to look into those
torches with my loose change. And you know what?
I'm going to compensate myself ahead of time
because we get limited per diems. So I'm going
to lift a few of these coins. No, do not lift
the coins. Are you sure? Don't pick up cursed
Aztec gold right now. This seems like the worst
possible time. It might not all be cursed. We
don't know that. It's definitely all cursed.
Fine. I'm going to try and get him to look away
from the barrels. Maddy, you're going to go for
the braziers and you're going to try and get
a... I'm going to go for the arm. I've got a
sword right here. All right, Dolan, whenever
you're ready. All right, so if Dolan tries to
gather himself and then sort of comes up from
the barrels, like arms in the air, sort of...
Mr. Valdez, Admiral Valdez, sorry, what should
I address you as? Captain Inigo Valdez. Captain,
I'm very sorry. I see the snake has brought a
comrade with him, slinking behind my barrels,
are you? I'm not with these gentlemen. I can
promise you that. I just... I'm trapped down
here, and I'm just like you. I'm trying to get
out of here. I have no intention of staying.
You are just like me. You have been trapped here
for 450 years. I may very well have. There's
a time... I don't know how the time works here
anymore. I think if you were on my ship for 450
years, I would have noticed you. I've been upstairs.
It's the same. Every time we try to leave, I
can't... You are a friend of the three that kept
me here. I've just come to investigate what was
happening. I can promise to you I... I don't
wish to live forever or steal the gold. I just
want to go home. A likely story. I see your covetous
eyes, admiring the gold on my poop deck. Valdez
slowly raises his hand, like a conductor telling
the violins to pull their weight and play louder.
And with that, the coins that lie strewn across
the deck begin to rise from the ground. floating
towards Valdez before coalescing into little
spheres about the size of a slitter or a baseball
for any Americans in the room. With a point,
he sends one of those wee things rocketing across
the deck towards Dolan. Dolan, I'm going to need
a preservation roll from you. That'll be an 80
% chance. Just roll 80 or under. 23 under 80.
This little golden rocket flies over your shoulder
and strikes the edge of the boat, bursting into
a big glittery shower. You came for treasure.
Allow me to deliver it to your face. Can I try
sprinting as I'm dodging to the other side of
the ship? No, you absolutely can try to make
a bolt. Are you going to run in his direction?
So trying to keep a distance, like sort of...
Like, I'm going around the circumference, so
I'm only facing the other side of the ship and
getting him to face towards, I guess, the cave
-in. Dolan tries to kite around the outside of
Valdez. I'd say you'll be able to reach there,
no problem. Have you got a plan? Yeah, I'm just...
I think I'm just like, you're being foolish.
I am being foolish? Yes. Yes, you are. The world
is so different. We have cannons now that can
shoot from one country to another. I do not need
cannons any longer. I require nothing but the
power of this stone. Keep the chains, you filthy
animal. And he flings another ball of gold. Oh,
God. Another preservation. Another preservation
roll, please. 46 under... Once again, you're
lucky this one flies even further, smashes onto
the deck. Maddie's going to make a bolt for the
lift or if there is another way up. Maddie, you
step up and start running back towards that little
rope ladder you climbed up to get down. There's
some parkour involved. There's some parkour involved
in 1993. Just as the sport is being developed.
More companions of yours, I see. Spotted immediately?
Oh, he definitely spots immediately, but you're
able to get right over there. You start running.
But, stretching his arm out towards you, the
stone fused to his hand, he rotates the on stone
like he's turning down the volume with a big
knob on a hi -fi. With that, you begin to feel
as if you're wading through molasses, slow as
anything. But will you have enough force of will
to push through it? Let's find out. That'll be
a preservation rule. This one's trickier. Agility
be damned. This'll be a 40. That's a nine. Maddy,
you feel this weight pushing down through your
legs, almost like there's lead in your shoes,
but you just fight right through it, and you
make your way, and you're able to swing down
and grab onto the ladder. So let's say you've
gone off the edge of the boat, and you're holding
onto this rope ladder, ready to climb down. So
what's your plan once you get up there? You're
just going to drain everyone in sight, rule over
a golden graveyard? That sounds about right to
me. And it is all that this place deserves after
what they have done to me. You're just swapping
one prison for another. A prison of my own control.
That's insane! What do you actually want, you
madman? I want to devour every last second that
humanity has to give. And he once again twists
his arm. Let's see if Dolan can resist that weird
time manipulation thing he does. Am I rolling
against anything? You're rolling a 60 % preservation
roll. 37 under 60. Dolan just simply shakes his
head at the captain. It has been a long time
since I have used these abilities, okay? You
can't stop... Me? How do you plan on stopping
an actual armed force? Once I devour you and
your little friend who tried to run away, I will
have more power, Jace. And then I will be able
to finally escape this cave when the abrasers
go out. Do you even know, like, what a satellite
is? A what? It is a weapon that could destroy
you in an instance. And you have control of these
weapons? Of course I don't, but actual armed
people do. So you do! Matty screams. The only
thing that's keeping you alive is the fact that
no one knows about you. No one knows of me yet.
Soon, I will escape. And all will know the name
and fear Indigo Valdez and the Doloroso. Gideon
Hubble is slowly creeping across the deck towards
Matthew Murphy, who's just poking their head
up. What are you two doing? What are you doing?
I'm going to go light these flames. Yeah, I'm
going to... Are you coming? No, I'm going to
cut off his arm. It's all I'm good for. Okay,
but I mean, be careful. I'll try. Gideon, you're
standing on the deck. The coins across the deck
begin to rattle and move. But this time, they
start rushing across the poop deck towards the
captain's chamber, through the door, and straight
down the gullets of the husk -like bodies of
Samuel Ryan and poor Spudbag and Rubble Sack.
Hundreds of these things fill their bodies until
they're fit to burst. The bodies now turgid with
riches clamber to their feet and shamble their
way out the door onto the deck, jangling like
a trio of coin purses. And Jesus Christ sure
hasn't Valdez himself started levitating now,
rising up from the deck about seven feet in the
air, held aloft by the power of the stone. Enough
of this. Drop your weapons and perhaps I will
allow you to join my crew. There's gold zombies.
There's gold zombies on the deck. That's really
gross. I'm really grossed out by that. Gideon,
what are you going to do? I'm going to... Fuck,
my whole plan was to cut off his arm, but now
his arm's up in the air. I'm going to get up
the fucking rigging. Yeah. Yeah. That will be
an agility roll to see how far up you get. Oh,
12. Under 20. has a remarkable vertical leap
and he hypes and grabs onto the rope. Now, you're
a bit off the ground, but you're making it up
there. You're about level with him. He's still
maybe 10 feet away from you, but you're at eye
level. Maddie, seeing these two shambling three,
shambling gold zombies, and your friend and his
impressive vertical leap, what do you do? Okay,
I'm ditching the bid for the lift and I'm going
to see if I can... How embedded are the cannons
in the side of the ship? Are they on the same
floor? Are they on the same deck? The cannons
will be on the deck below poking through holes.
On this deck, you would mainly see hand -to -hand
weaponry and some things like spears that you
could chuck. Give me a little awareness roll.
Three. You spot by the edge of the boat these
little metal spheres with what looks like a small
fuse coming out the top. Oh, boy. I'm on the
side of the ship. I've spotted these. Swinging
back up. Ditching that plan. Do I have a lighter
on me? Yes. I say that's fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm putting this together in my head. I start
lighting shit and throwing it at these guys.
These gold zombies. Excellent. All right. As
many as I can, like, light and throw simultaneously.
I'd say it'll probably be one a go, but we'll
be circling back to you. All right. But you...
liked this fuse, you think you've maybe got about
three seconds to throw that thing. That'll be
an agility roll, please. 42 under 60. You yoink
this thing. Oh, fuck, my agility's 40. Oh, no!
Oh, no! You damn toy! It sails through the air
and mid -arc just goes... It looks like it's
coming straight for Samuel Ryan's big bulbous
golden head, but it sails right past him and
clatters against the side of the captain's quarters
before erupting in a massive explosion. You hear
the crunch and creak of old rotten wood. And
the ship kind of lurches a little bit to one
side. Fill your pockets with my gold, eh? Why
not fill your entire body? He lobs a bunch of
gold at you. That's going to be a little preservation
rule. 80 % to dodge some flying gold. Five. He's
had nothing moving to throw at for ages. The
gold flies past you and scatters across the deck.
Dolan, what are you doing? For goodness sake,
you madman, we are trying to cooperate. Your
companion is throwing bombs on my ship. You spooked
him. Obviously they're going to do that. You're
floating. You're raising the dead. Just give
us a moment to be calm and collected. Why would
we even want to steal the gold? It's worth jack
shit. So you aren't interested in any of the
gold on my ship? I'm more interested in the rusty
swords than I am the gold. That's how little
it's worth. The man -shaped beanbags shuffle
their way towards Dolan as this argument continues.
And one of them's going to take a big swing at
you, Dolan. Give me a preservation roll. Oh,
five. Suck it some. Without breaking the flow
of your big invective, you duck under a big swing.
Can I try and trip it up as it's going past me?
That'll be a might roll. Yes, you can. 17 under
40. Goddamn. You sweep your leg and you hit this
guy right in the ankles. He flies backwards and
his head smashes against the deck, bursting,
sending a big stream of gold scattering out from
his big old head wound. Look, I'm not asking
us to be allies. Once we get out of here, we
can split. But right now, this is in no one's
interest. Clearly. They have sent a true warrior
to pry and best. Inigo Valdez. I am not a warrior.
I've got maybe five good years in these knees.
I'm trying to warn you. Five good years? Sound
delicious to me. Gideon, your eyes are darting
back and forth from midair down to the deck,
watching this whole argument unfold. You saw
your mate kick a zombie and make his head burst.
What are you going to do? I'd say you can make
it up to that crossbeam, no problem. I'm going
to keep plodding. Hand over hand, Gideon reaches.
Thank you. Reaches the crossbeam. I'm going to
start very gingerly and very carefully moving
my body along the beam towards Valdez. You wrap
yourself around this beam, hugging it, and start
shuffling your way along the beam to try and
get yourself directly above Valdez. I'm going
for the drop on him. Matty, what are you doing?
You're still holding a grenade and you've got
a sack full of them. I light another. I punt
it at him. And you punt it, you punt it at him.
You drop it and kick it like you're playing Gaelic.
That will also be an agility roll. 38 under 40.
You drop this thing and give it a full -on World
Cup -style boot. The sort of one you'd see in
a highlight reel on Match of the Day. And it
sails between the two of them. and explodes,
sending them flying in opposite directions. They
hit opposite sides of the deck and explode into
a big shower of gold. They're both dispatched.
I got a split, yes! With his puppeted crew members
dispatched, Valdez drops back to the deck and
glares at our agents. He stretches his arm. towards
Dolan as some sort of magic begins to crackle
across the face of the stone. Suddenly, a blast
of energy shoots out from his arm towards you.
I need a preservation roll, Dolan. 40%. 88 over
40. As the blast strikes your leg, the fabric
of the bottom half of your trousers rots clean
off. Your wee bare leg now revealed, you see
that your skin has begun to wither and sag. You've
got the calf of an owl man. Divine. He seems
to have literally sucked the age out of your
leg. How does it feel to be ravaged by time?
Shit, you got rid of my leg. Quite clearly the
powers of the world are scared of you now. You
and your middle income bracket ass is gonna destroy
the major world powers one by one. What is an
income bracket? I'm saying you're not very wealthy.
You are saying that I, Captain Indigo Valdez,
surrounded by all of this gold on my... We have
a similar net worth right now. I... I hate you.
What's your problem, man? What's your problem?
Are you sure you weren't admiral? Are you sure
you weren't just... I was not an admiral. I have
told you this. I was a captain. Oh, right. Well,
are you sure you weren't coming out just swooping
the fucking poop deck till everyone else died?
Shut up! Valdez, quite frustrated at Dolan's
pretty logical arguments, flings a bunch of coins
at him. I'm going to need another preservation
rule. This will be an 80%. Really? Even with
the leg? Yeah. Oh, yeah. 60%. Oh! If I hadn't
said anything. 73 over 60. These coins... are
properly like condensed into a wee ball and it
cracks you right in the chest. You hear a little
of a few ribs breaking. God, Jesus, you broke
my ribs with pocket change. I hate you. I hate
you. I hate you. Enemies to lovers. Gideon, what
are you doing up there on that mast? Can I get
Maddie's attention? Aye. Bomb the mast. Bomb
the mast. I'm too high. Are you sure? Yes. What
if you die? I can't be responsible for another.
The last one wasn't your fault. It was my fault.
This is what redemption looks like. I meant my
ex, but okay. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,
you totally killed him. You'll have to answer
for that in your own time. I light another grenade
and I throw it towards the mast. Good luck. That's
got to be another agility rule as you try to
basketball through this one. I'm 59 over 30.
Oh, you throw it and you hit the mast directly
and it just bounces off and lands on the deck
and explodes, opening a big old hole and you
start to see water like on the decks below. This
thing is already starting to lurch and creak
to one side. Sorry. What the fuck? You tried
your best. As the explosion goes off and the
boat slowly tilts, I'm going to need a little
preservation roll from you to keep your grip
up there. And that's probably a 40%. That's 99
over 40, baby. Gideon, you cannot hold on and
you fall 20 feet and smack on the ear back. Oh.
My spine. That really, really hurt. My spine.
Am I in a position to be able to run over to
Gideon? Yes. Okay. I run over to Gideon and say,
give me medical advice that I can do to you.
I've dislocated my shoulder. You just need to
push very hard and swiftly. Can I... Could I...
Could I... Spit it out! Could I bite on something?
I don't want to scream. I put the jotter in your
mouth. I'll still pop it. Pop it. I do my best.
I try to push it back in. That will be a medicine
roll. 25 over 20. You wiggle this loose flapping
arm around and you can't quite find the pup.
With that, Valdez, seeing you two helping one
another, spins his arm around. Destroyer of my
ship, I will have years of your life. It was
literally an accident. Twice. Both times. I'm
going to need a preservation roll from you. 71.
That's a 71 over 40. A blast flies out from the
stone and strikes you right in the head, leaving
quite a fetching white streak in your hair now.
It's a wee bit older. So Gideon, what are you
going to do with one dislocated arm? I'm going
to roll over and stumble to my feet and pick
up the sword. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick
of you. You've made my friend's leg weird. You've
made my other friend's hair awfully fetching.
I'm not even mighty, but I'm going to go for
might. And as I'm doing it, I'm thinking back
to the worm and thinking back to Clary. And I'm
like, this is redemption. That is a might roll.
Oh, God. Oh, 23 over 20. You raise the sword
above your head and bring it flying down towards
him. And at the last minute, he bats your arm.
No, thank you. The Doloroso has taken some beating
from the fallout of Valdez's barrage of attacks
and Maddy's grenades, and you can feel it shifting
in the water due to all that damage dealt to
the rotten wood of this once -magnificent ship.
Valdez again begins to rise from the deck, seemingly
empowered by that last bit of energy that he
sucked out of Dolan's leg. The stone, fused to
Valdez's hand, crackles and glues as an ominous
deep hum fills the cavernous space. The coins
and weaponry across the deck begin to rattle
and shift towards him. The pool of ancient magic
strain in the hull of the ship. You hear it splinter
and crack under the pressure. This ship has been
my prison, but no more. It shall become your
tomb. You, too, all begin to feel yourselves
lifted from the deck, helpless under the power
of this stone. Valdez laughs maniacally as he
seemingly leeches time from the very fibers of
all that surround him. You begin to feel his
force creep towards you as a wave of terror washes
over you all. Suddenly, from atop the captain's
chamber, you hear a familiar voice. I'll save
you, Maddy Murphy! He's back! Sebastian Prick,
absolutely clattered in shite, runs full pelt
and leaps from the roof of the captain's chamber,
spearing Valdez right out of the air like one
of them wrestlers off the TV. As they crash onto
the deck together, Valdez breaks Prick's fall.
Prick shifts, clambering forward, putting all
of his weight onto Valdez's chest. And pinning
Valdez's upper arm with his knee, he grabs his
wrist just below the hand fused to that magical
stone. And he pulls with all his might, bellowing
Matty's name. Matty Murphy! You hear the splintering
of bone as he snaps Valdez's arm and tears through
the flesh. And rips your man's arm clean off
him. Detached from the stone, Valdez lets out
an unimaginable howl. as hundreds of years take
their toll on him all at once. He rides and screams
as his face becomes gaunt and sallow, his skin
desiccating before your very eyes until there's
nothing left but dust and bone. Couldn't have
happened to a nicer man. I need help. Still clutching
the now shriveled hand fused to that mystical
stone and still absolutely clattered in shite.
Prick rises to his feet and turns to look at
you all. Well, well, well. I fucking told you
there was gold here, didn't I? Did you not draw
it? I felt terrible. I've mourned you a lot in
the last little while. I got washed out into
the sea. Through that river of shit. Turns out
that tunnel goes straight out to the ocean. Can
you guys see him? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm
fully here. Can you guys see me with my leg and
my chest? Holy shit! Yeah, you look pretty beaten
up. I look pretty bad. Suddenly, the stone begins
to spark and crackle. Instinctually, to protect
Maddy and their friends, Brick leaps away from
the agents, clutching the hand to his chest.
Mere seconds before a burst of energy explodes
from the stone, shattering it to pieces. After
a moment, Sebastian Prick rises to his feet and
turns to Maddy and the agents. Well, thank God
that's not going to be a problem anymore, right?
However, in this moment, a peculiar look sweeps
across his face as frown lines and wrinkles arc
across his forehead and cheeks. His hair greys
and sheds as his shoulders begin to slump with
age. It's like the Nazis in Indiana Jones again,
but this time, unfortunately, it's going in the
bad direction. Before you stands a man of a hundred
years and a day, but Maddy still sees that unmistakable
sparkle of adoration in his eyes. Don't you dare
die again, you kind fuck. Don't you worry about
me, Maddy. I'm going to be just fine. He suddenly
clutches his chest as this poor fella's heart
gives out. No, no, no, no, no. And he collapses
to the deck. No, not again, not again. Gideon,
Gideon, what can we do? Ah, for a hundred -year
-old man? He's not really... 100. Come on. I
can do chest compressions, but I... Alright,
okay, I'm doing chest compressions. You gave
a few futile chest compressions. Here are a couple
of crunches and turn to look at Maddie. There
must be something else. Mouth to mouth. Dolan,
this is where you come in. You old dog. I'm glad
we can joke about this already. I think we've
got to joke about it. It's the only way through
the trauma. I don't think I can stand. You don't
think you can stand at all? It is there. It doesn't
feel great. There's an imbalance and it hurts
to breathe right now. Do you want me to take
a look? No. I'm not trying to fuck with you.
I'm medically trained. I can help you. Guys,
Seb's dead. Seb's dead? I think... Again. I kind
of made my peace with that already. No, I think...
I actually regret being so hard on him. I was
really hard on him. I thought he was a loser,
but he saved our lives. Now there's no time to
mourn Per Sebastian, however. As the ship suddenly
lurches, the mast groans and cracks, finally
giving way to the weight of the centuries catching
up to it. As the mast crashes onto the deck,
it tears a trench right through the middle of
the wood, mere metres from you. The water of
the cove rushes over the deck as the ship begins
to sink from its perch into the deeper waters.
I didn't like you, but... I want to see you buried
right now. Gideon, showing the utmost respect,
picks up Prick and throws him over the edge into
the water before all of our agents take one last
leap from the deck and splash into the icy waters
below as we fade to black. Three days later,
we fade up on the familiar site of White's Tavern.
Our agents sit around, pints in hand with Mervyn
and Assumpta. Mervyn went and got chips for everyone,
and he's ripped the bag open in the middle of
one of the bar tables so everyone can go at them,
family style. Cow is over by the pool table,
trying to eat one of the yellow balls, but ends
up just licking it into the corner pocket. I
didn't have Diet Coke. I didn't have normal Coke
either. She's got Dr. Pepper and Guinness. Look,
I'll be honest. It's not bad. It's not the worst
thing I've had. It's no El Fuego Numero 8. She's
asked me for something I didn't have. I did my
best. All right? At least order a couple of those
fish glasses, though. Makes a difference. I don't
know where to get them. I pocketed one. Oh, did
you? Yeah. There you go. And there's a grenade,
just in case. A grenade? That is an ancient explosive.
Very interesting, Maddy Murphy. And you've also
just left this cat to wander about here as well.
Am I to look after that as well? No. My plan
is that she will imprint on Kai and vice versa,
and they'll look after each other. That's beautiful.
But all under my roof, correct? Sometimes. How's
the leg? Been better, been better. Can you feel
this? Yeah, no, don't put my leg. Can you feel
this? What are you doing, Matt? It's like a handbag.
Don't feel my leg. I apologise, I shouldn't have
done that. He has a wife in New Zealand. Is this
something? Hey, show us a picture. Yeah, show
us a picture of your wife. They're at home. I
don't have pictures of my wife on me. Nothing
in your wallet? Just describe her. Probably a
couple of condoms and that thing. Sorry, you
guys think I don't have a wife? Kind of. A little
bit. It's feeling that way. New Zealand feels
like it has air quotes around it. I seriously
interrupt myself to help you two. Look, you were
helping Ireland. And I feel like I'm not getting
the respect I deserve. You helped Ireland. You
saved Ireland by your actions. I'm sorry, but
that wannabe would have done jack shit had he
made it to the service. He would have maybe killed
three or four people and then someone would have
shot him. I don't believe that he was a threat
to the country. I mean... He made your leg old.
Yeah. He could make everyone's legs old. Who
knows? He could have increased in power and eventually
aged the whole world. You said it yourself, Golden
Graveyard. Here, medical question, Gideon. Do
you think that old leg's going to age at the
same rate as the rest of his body? Oh, or will
he catch up to the leg? Exactly. I'm going to
go see a real doctor. Whoa. That's a bit harsh.
That is a bit harsh. I am medically trained.
For eyes. For eyes. Yeah. Aye, but, like, legs
are just the eyes of the torso. Because they
see the ground that you walk on. Oh, you've read
the textbooks? Yes. Dolan. Yeah. We've been through
a lot together. I think it's safe to say, I don't
know, it just feels like you're... Do you just
hold them back? You don't trust us for the way
that we trust everyone else. I feel like we trust
each other. We parent now. We co -parent. We
co -parent. We almost did a combo on Valdez.
Didn't quite work out. But we need to... But
in principle, it would have been really good.
In principle. No, I agree. When I was flying
on the ground with my broken ribs and my withered
leg, I thought if this had worked out, this would
have been worth it. I'm glad it worked out in
the end. I'm sorry about your ex. Oh, yes. I
believe your ex turned up. Yeah, a few times.
It was surprising. He was well, and then he wasn't,
and then he was well again, and then he really
wasn't. It was a rollercoaster, much like when
we were together. It was nice to see him. It
was tough. Been a lot of death for Matty. Well,
listen, fair play to him, for he did, you know,
he did put his life on the line to save yours,
and to save Ireland. From, as you put it, Dolan,
a man that wouldn't have done much damage. I
really don't think he would. I mean, you have
lifelong injuries. Yeah, look, any idiot with
a baseball bat can inflict lifelong injuries
on me. You don't need to be a magical being.
Sounds like a challenge. Don't hit me with a
baseball bat. You're nothing if not pragmatic,
Dolan. I'm just saying. Anyway, listen, we had
a great adventure. I think I went into this moment
with a lot of bitterness. And I treated a lot
of people unkindly. I think I went into it without
a lot of bitterness and I left with a lot of
bitterness. We arrived from a wake, we went to
a wake, and now I have another wake to go to.
Oh, speaking of which, actually, I did a wee
follow -up on the regulars there. So after you
lot left, I brought my wife for that belated
date. Turned out no one in the bar has any recollection
of it all. They just thought it was a one -day
wake. You were gone for a week? I called round
and I saw Cowie was still outside, so I thought
I'd just walk her home. I assumed that you either
had it all under control or yous were dead. And
to clarify, you might have been away a week,
but you're not getting any extra per diems. So
if it had felt much longer for us, you would
be giving us a lot more money? It'd be worth
a conversation. But honesty is key here, don't
lie. No, you're not getting £14. We were away
a week. Yous can have one more of these Dr Pepper
Guinness things. You need a name for it? I've
already poured six of them. I was going to call
it... Brown gold. And I go and stroke the cow.
A lovely pint of brown gold. Cheers. And that's
a wrap. And so we've come to the end of this
week's story. Our knuckles came face to face
with an honest to God seaman and lived to tell
the tale. Join us next time as we continue our
fight against fright. And remember, stay vigilant
out there unless you want to find yourself in
the bad articles. Hey folks, thank you so much
for listening to our silly little show again.
We have had a blast putting the second article
together and we can't wait to welcome you back
to Rathghoul once again. The Bad Articles is
created by J.R. McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It
is produced at Felbryn Studios by the wonderful
Clark Phillips with additional sounds and voices
from the very far away Conleth McVeigh. Starring
Laura Conlon as Maddie Murphy, Patrick Meier
as Dolan Gibbons, and Niall McKenna as Gideon
Hubble. Featuring Conleth McVeigh as Clary Postman.
If you have enjoyed the bad articles, we encourage
you to spread the word by telling your friends
about this show. We can do all of the marketing
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you to check out something cool. If you'd like
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you need in the show notes. My name is JR McCormick,
and I will see you on the other side.