Last time on The Bad Articles, our knuckles realised
that there was some sort of time thing going
on at the wake. They munched on some raw potatoes,
gaslit an old man and butchered the sixth best
Billy Joel song. Stick around to find out what
happens next, unless you're a coward.... sowing in chaos
scaring the shit out of people! not all hope is
lost underfunded undergunned and underappreciated
the OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked
otherworldly chaos this secret network of brave
volunteers put their lives and their sanity on
the line all for a better tomorrow have you ever
been reading a smutty book on your holidays in
Lanzarote and the sexy roguish protagonist starts
to visit you in your dreams giving you kisses
and all Then you get the vibe that this might
actually be a Kruger situation. You better call
the OSNA before you find yourself in the bad
articles. We'll leave Dolan in the cosy little
sitting room by the fire, having quenched his
mighty thirst on that old man's whiskey, and
cut to Gideon. I storm towards the kitchen where
that guy went with his big pot of soup, or where
he came. With his big policy. You enter through
one of those doors that swings both ways into
a wide kitchen area which expands out to the
left. There's a familiar face, that chef who
you saw delivering that cold soup earlier. There
are bags of onions everywhere and you see the
chef just chopping away at some while a large
pan of water sits on the stove. There are a bunch
of small fridges in the kitchen. Out the window
he's catching fish himself with big long rods
hanging out the back window overlooking the cliff
edge. And he is still crying his eyes out. Hey.
Hey, buddy. Don't cry. It's going to be okay.
It's going to be all right. It's not going to
be okay. It's never going to be the same without
him. Yeah. No, grief is hard. Grief is hard.
I lost someone not so long ago myself. This is
my second wake today. So I know how hard it is.
So maybe I'm just a little bit ahead of you.
No, no, look, it's just Eloise here now, and
she's too old to do everything herself, and I'm
only allowed in the kitchen. I'm not allowed
to help out with any of the other stuff. Hey,
listen, listen, it's okay, it's okay. You're
doing great work here. Everyone's saying how
much they love the soup. They love it. And I
go to, like, take a spoonful. You dip your spoon
in as you... He's barely able to focus on you.
His eyes are bloodshot as hell. And you bring
that spoon up to your mouth. And this stuff is
ice cold as you put it to your lips. Mmm. That
is nutritious. In this man's sorry state, I'm
going to ask for a social role, but you can have
a bonus 20 % because he is looking for any comfort
he can get. Two under 40. I thank you so much.
I really needed that. You don't need to thank
me. This is good soup. What's your name? My name's
Sean. Sean? Sean Walsh. I've given my blood,
sweat and tears to this place. I just thought
they'd acknowledge me, you know? I just... Eloise
hasn't said anything to me after he died and
I don't... I just... I don't know if I can step
up. They never allow me to do anything. I'm not
allowed down into the keg room. I'm not allowed
into the basements. I don't know how the pressure
fobs work for kids in the kegs. And they used
to bother me, but it doesn't so much now. So,
look, it may be a little exciting. They might
let me down there and see what all the fuss is
about. But I have to be the new rat killer because
that cat's lazy. Sean, Sean, take a breath. Take
a breath. Listen, all these things can be learned.
All these things can be learned. You just need
some time. You will step up. This might be an
important question, but I mean, it sounds like
obviously you're very close to Mickey. I wasn't
as close as him and his other mates. But, yeah,
like, I guess, you know, he would talk to me
when he needed me to do something. Like, if he
needed Superman. But he wouldn't, like, invite
me. They used to go and hang out. Like, they
would hang out socially. They would always be
going downstairs. I think they were playing games
down there. They wouldn't have invited me. Sean,
that is... Outrageous that they would exclude
you in that way. Can you show me exactly where
they did that? He points towards a door labelled
keg room at the back of the room. One moment,
Sean. And I go to, like, the kitchen door and
I push it open. What do I see of my friends?
What do we see? Maddy, where are you? I went
back towards the, like, storage room. Oh, yes.
This is... You'd think that the general heat
of the room would have made this soup warmer,
but somehow still utterly Baltic. That's impressive
in its own way. Oh, it's rancid, but I'm starving
for some reason. I ate this morning. I had a
huge breakfast. Yeah, this morning. Yeah, okay.
They do air quotes. So from where I am, I can't
see. No, you cannot. You can't see Maddie. Is
Dolan still sitting there? I think he's sort
of made himself comfortable with the guy. I take
it he's stuck in a loop, just constantly going
back and forth, being surprised I was there.
He has stood up multiple times and sat down with
you. Would I see the notebook or anything like
that? The notepad is sitting on the table in
front of you, but he has torn off the page that
he had written on. Okay. But I've noticed a missing
page. You did see him rip it off as you approached,
but he pocketed it, and then he set the notebook
down. Next time he sort of comes back down, can
I just sort of pretend and just go, yeah, no,
I'm still here, but you were meant to hand me
the paper in your pocket. I guess I'm gaslighting
the old man. I don't love that, but... What piece
of paper? What are you talking about? You've
got a piece of paper in your pocket. It's for
me. It is not. It is for sure. I'm sorry. Look,
I'm saying a few words at the funeral tomorrow,
right? And I'm sketching them down. That's none
of your business. Yeah, you asked me to look
over them. I most certainly did not. I can assure
you you did. Can I please have a social roll
with a minus 20 on that? Okay, let's see. So
I rolled 93 over zero. Mate, I'm going to need
you. To fuck off, all right? Yeah, yeah, you've
made that very clear. If Dolan's turning away,
like, just from the galley doors, I'm like, get
over here, now. You hear the familiar panic tones
of Gideon Hubble. All right, but I grabbed a
notebook on the way. Samuel stands from his chair,
walks about five feet, and then sort of goes
back, and as he sits down, he takes the note
out of his pocket and begins reading it. So,
sorry, so I'm doing the... Pencil thing? As you're
walking across, you pull a pencil. One of your
little mechanical pencils. I'm sure we have a
pencil. Oh, yes. And you begin scribbling across
it. You see a drawing. Now, the drawing itself,
it's like a circular image. And in the center,
there's a face with a blade -like tongue holding
human hearts in the tongue. It's surrounded by
two intertwined fire serpents with human heads.
emerging from their mouths. And it's all encased
inside an eight -pointed star. You also see there's
a grid drawn. Some of the squares have been filled
in. There's some letters and some drawings of
animals. And there's a couple of other little
gridded spaces with some letters filled in on
them. If anything, it kind of looks like these
are sort of sketched notes about something. You're
not quite sure. You both beeline towards the
kitchen door where you find Gideon with his face
pressed up to one of them wee porthole windows.
Hi. Do you need more money? No, we're past that.
Get in here. You step in and hear the crying
of Sean. Fuck off, Seb. Don't speak to my ex
like that. I'm sorry. Fuck off, Seb. I'll give
you all 50 quid. You'll get it back. Here's the
change. I throw loose coins at him. threw coins
at me that's insane I'm getting fucking hobbled
when I close the door and I'm like Maddy Dolan
this is Sean Sean has been making the wonderful
food today so he's he's having a really hard
time grieving he's just slowly stirring his soup
at the other side of the room the people at the
pool table love it really that's what I was telling
you Sean everybody loves it he is fully crying
into that pot Are you okay? Oh, bye. Do you want
a hug? And he leaps at you and gives you the
biggest hug you've ever had. Oh, it's okay. Hey,
it's... Death is weird and grief is hard, but
we're... I like that. Death is weird and grief
is hard. That's kind of what I said. Hey, don't
worry about it. It's, yeah, it's a tough time.
It's a tough day for everyone. Your soup is probably
grit. Did you not try it? I haven't had the chance.
You'll try some now though, won't you? I'll try
some now. Can I please have an awareness roll
from everyone who's standing in the kitchen?
55 over 20. 89 over 60. 75 over 20. There's a
fishing rod going out the window. If the fishing
rod can go out the window, maybe we can too.
You might be onto something there. The window
itself is a small porthole window. So it's maybe
about a foot wide. And there is a sheer cliff
face on the outside of this window. Okay. Well,
that's one option. If we really can't get out
of here, we can always kill ourselves. Can I
try throwing a spoon out the window? You pick
up one of those spoons and you throw it out the
window and it sails out and falls down. You don't
hear a splash. It's very far down. Okay, before
we go in, I also got these notes. I don't know
if any of you can make heads or tails of these.
Looks a wee bit puzzly. You know what? We could
have used your axe, actually. Oh, I can get sad.
Yeah, because there was a grid with animals.
There was indeed. That feels like something for...
It's the kind of thing he designed, to be honest.
Perfect. Seb! Yes? Need help picking up that
money, buddy? Can I join him on the floor picking
up change? I'm all covered in cold soup now,
thank you very much. Has it not been easy for
you? No. Gideon, don't patronise Seb. I'm not.
Is it the tone of my voice? It's the tone. And
also, apologise for the things that you did.
And also, taking 50 pounds from him. That's a
lot of money. I go, yeah. It was a lot of money.
But thank you for helping me to get to know the
people in this bar better. And he will pay you
back. You're welcome, Marty. Thank you. All this
happens as you're standing next to the bar. Eloise
has actually got a wee wet towel. They're a frail
prick to wipe themselves down. You're all covered
in Sean's soup, there's who you are. It's not
normally this cold, but it's been going down
well enough. I barely have an appetite myself.
On same episode of Countdown still playing on
the TV, you notice it's about midday now when
you look out the window again. Oh, condiment.
Well, thank you, I guess, for the help. Yeah,
I'm sorry about them. You know, I don't go back
far with these people, but I know they're good
people and I know they're suspicious of people
that I know. And I'm sorry to everyone involved.
But I know you're all good people somewhere inside
yourselves. Listen, we're not awake, guys. We
need to show some decorum, some respect. We used
all our decorum this morning. That's not true.
I was trying to make light. You did say you lost
someone else. Yeah. And no, it wasn't another
boyfriend. I wasn't going to say it was. I was.
No, you're right. It was? No, not that. You're
right about the decorum thing. We're just, we're
just grieving, you know. We're all grieving,
you know. And we're new parents. Yeah, we're
new parents as well. Oh, you, Marty. Of a cow
and a robot. But it's a lot of responsibility,
Seb. We don't even know how they're going to
interact. Thank you, Sebastian. You seem like
a sensible fella. Now, I believe you're, Puzzleologists
or... Cruciverbalists, yeah. Yes, I apologize.
I couldn't think of the word. That's all right.
I've got a puzzle here and I think it might be
of interest to you. Do you have any insight?
You've created a puzzle? I found a puzzle and
I'm trying to solve it. Those are the best kind.
Dolan produces the paper with the haphazard scribbles
that he made as he walked across the floor. Okay,
so you've got a snake. Looks like the booth.
They've got fish. It's like that booth. Huh.
And you just found this. Have you seen these?
It's like the designs in the bar. I hadn't made
the connection to be quite honest. Prick points
to the three booths around the bar. As you see,
they are all decorated differently. There appears
to be a variety of animals depicted upon each
of them. All right. On the northern booth, you
see a snake. with S -R inscribed above it. In
the southern one, a fish with M -M. And on the
western booth, you see a bird with S -L. Any
insights? I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
It seems like some of the animals in this puzzle
are depicted in the bar, but if people drink
here, maybe they've tried to just... come up
with something fun. A little crossword or a little
maze or something. Was this you? No, it wasn't
me. I would remember my own work, Maddy, as well,
you know. Also, I do believe that my work would
be slightly less derivative than an animal that
I can see in front of me on something like that.
Yeah, but also I'd like to think that you're
a bit less derivative than M .M. Maddy Murphy.
Yeah, of course, I wouldn't. If I were to hide
your name in a puzzle, I would make it much more
interesting, a journey. He has most certainly
hidden your name in a puzzle in the past. Like
I said, it wasn't me, but hey, you know what?
Best of luck. I'll just sit down and enjoy my
freezing cold soup. Thanks, Seb. Mickey Mackerel.
Yep. Yes, and then we've got... Samuel Ryans.
Samuel Ryans. Yeah. And Skinny... something called...
Lynch. Lynch. The bird, the snake and the fish.
Eloise, do you have an office around here? Of
course I do. We have one just behind the bar
here, yeah. Oh, would you happen to have a printer?
A printer? Yes, a printer. Believe it or not,
we do. Now, myself and Mickey, God rest his soul.
And we didn't use the tech exactly. But I don't
know. It sat there since it was Skinny's. Cassio?
They tried for a bit. Cassio. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, Eloise. Eloise, would you like
a hug? Oh, there he is. All right, sorry. My
sweet, sweet dead mackerel. I don't know what
the make is, but yes, do you have need of it?
I mean, I'll give it a service while I'm here.
It's the least I could do. Would a printer servicing
help you during this terrible time? I suppose
it would. It could be useful. I don't know how
to use it, but maybe Sean, maybe Sean would know.
We'll have to change a few things around here
and perhaps having a working printer. Wouldn't
be the worst thing in the world. The door is
unlocked. We've nothing in there anyway apart
from, you know, a safe and an old desk. I wouldn't
take anything from you. I don't know about these
guys, but I can speak on myself. I wouldn't take
anything from you, Eloise. It seems suspect that
you choose to tell me that, but you've a trusting
face. We've got some options. Do you want to
go to the office? Get the key to the keg room,
go to the keg room? I'll never say no to having
to look at a printer. Oh, the printer is just
some misdirection. Yeah, we can go. It's fine.
You can look at a printer if you want. I mean,
we're not going to stop you. Yeah, it's fine.
I mean, I was gonna. The three of us, united,
enter the office. Holding hands. Holding hands.
As Eloise gestures towards the door, two of you
walk hand in hand with Dolan following you into
this small, messy back office. Typical of what
you'd expect of a busy pub. There are old versions
of menus from eras gone by and piles of financial
books and a scattering of open mail. Is there
a phone? There is a phone. It's sitting on the
desk. Can I try calling the pub? What's it called?
White's Tavern? Yes. You pick up the phone. You
dial the number. Piss. All right. I'm starting
to see what's going on here. I'm going to look
behind me. I'm going to close the door a little
bit. I'm going to go on the old computer. On
the old computer. Just see if there's anything
there. Can I ask for one thing? Is there a fax
machine? There's not a fax machine. No, there
is not. There's a printer. Useless. There is
a computer connected to said printer. Now, when
you open it up, it's running MS -DOS. At this
stage. And there's like a word processing thing
on it. Doesn't look like it's seen much use.
There's dust caked all over that keyboard. Strewn
around next to it, you see like there's a bunch
of letters and stuff. There's some graphs as
well that are headed. Crean and prick. Looks
like they're requests from their real estate
agency. Asking to get surveillance for the area
underneath the pub. Any keys? Aye, there's a
key sitting there on the desk. I'll pick it up.
You pick up the key. As you sit down by the computer
as well, your foot hits against a wee box underneath.
And you peer under. There's a box of flares under
there. Well, I'll damn. Can we all take one?
You can indeed. All right. Can I serve as the
printer? You can indeed. Can I see the last thing
that was printed on it? Just out of nosiness.
You type in a little access code and you're able
to get it to spit out the last thing in its very
minimal amount of 1993 onboard memory. And it
spits out a wee sheet. And it does indeed look
like it's something sent from Creed and Prick's
real estate agency, but it's about a tunnel network
in the foundations. Now, Dolan... There's a whole
bunch of technical and legal mumbo -jumbo mixed
in through all of this. But you can see that
there's also gas lines seemingly running down
into this basement. And it looks like their property
rights extend far below this bar. They go deep
underground. So it seems like there's gas lines
running all throughout and that the property
goes way down, which I suppose makes sense with
it being on a cliff's edge. Shall we go take
a look? Jangle, jangle. We leave the office,
hand in hand. We go into the kitchen. I give
Sean a hug because I presume he's still crying.
It's okay, buddy. It's all right. He dives into
your arms. Oh, my God. I help. Dolan, get in
on this. No. Come on, dude. Come on, man. Show
a bit of warmth. No, I think I'm good at night.
go towards the window to throw a flare out of
it. Dolan lights a flare and chucks it out the
window. It sails out and falls down into the
darkness. John? Yeah? How you doing, buddy? Not
great. Okay. Hey. It's alright. It will be alright.
Yeah. I was like you a few days ago and now I'm
not as bad. You know? It gets easier because
you have people to share it with. Yeah. No one
seems to want to talk to me about it. Those lads
who just came through, they didn't even stop
to look at me. I just walked on right through.
After all the work I did for him as well. Just
now? Yeah, well, a few minutes. Maybe 20 minutes.
Maybe like 40 minutes. Hey, it's okay. But like
today, someone... Who was it? Do you need me
to beat them up? Because I will. No, it's okay.
No, I'll do that. It was Samuel. I haven't seen
him here in years. And he had two big lads following
him. They just walked right through the door.
But I locked it behind them and I don't have
the key to the cake. We've got the key, buddy.
We've got the key. We were thinking you could
have a look at the pressure fobs. Alright. With
that, you slip the key into the door and turn.
The lock. And the door swings open. The three
of you, and of course, Prick, dander through
the door. Oh my god, he's here. Sean begins to
follow before spinning on his heels, turning
back to his soup, and beginning to stir. Can
I take the key out of the lock? Yes, you can.
Does it have a lock on the other side? It does.
Good. Hey, Seb. Hiya. What are you doing in the
keg room? What are you doing down here? I just
came back to see if there was more soup. Despite
it being freezing cold and rancid, I am still
starving. Shut up. Shut up. What? The chef's
right there. He's a soft soul. Say it's nice.
He hasn't even turned the hobs on. No wonder
it's freezing. Seb, you don't have any problem
with thresholds, do you? With what? Thresholds.
Doorways. I don't believe so, no. Well then,
move on. Anyway, down we go. You enter a small
cold room which houses the kegs of beer. There's
a wee clipboard hanging on the wall. Ah, you
can see the gas lines that are running from the
hob. Dolan, you notice this, they're also running
along the walls of the big fridge room and then
down into the floor. Well, Dolan? Uh, yes. That
bad for the gas or something? To be honest, I'd
say, Dolan, if you're tracing your eyes around
that, you see, like, there's one of the kegs.
There's scrapes, like a bunch of scrapes by one
of them, as if it's been slid back and forth
a bunch of times. If you're sort of trying to
gauge where those gas lines are going. Well,
I'd go investigate that. I think I'd just go
over there and start looking at them. If you
walk over there, you can shimmy that keg back.
And sure enough, there's a wee trapdoor underneath
that. And as you shimmy it back, you also hear
a little... As you've disturbed the cat who's
pawing away behind one of the other cakes. Can
I do another social check? Yes. 70 over 20. It
hisses and hides and gets its whole body behind
one of the cakes. We both want to try again after
you. Hi, gorgeous. Hello. Three. Three. Under
80. That cat. Little baby herself walks over
and starts slinking between your legs. 57. It
turns and hisses at Gideon. Now, all four of
yous are standing around this trapdoor with a
little cat. What do yous do? What do yous do?
Well, I take it you two still have flares? You've
got flares? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Can I have a flare?
Yeah, have one. Can you have a flare? No, he
can't have a flare. No, I only have two fash.
I only have two fash. I suppose I'm going to
open the door, and if it's dark, we're going
to drop a flare down. Okay. Okay, I open the
trap door. With the door open, you see what almost
looks like a ladder, but it's essentially an
incredibly steep set of stairs leading down from
the keg room. Seb? Yeah? Seb, do you want to
go on ahead? Do you want me to go down there
first? Yeah. With pleasure. I've been trying
to get down here for six months. Oh, fuck. Oh,
well. All this cold soot. I hold the bowl and
just chuck it in the corner. It clatters. The
cat loves it. Guys, you really need to get down
here. Why? What's down there? It's like some
sort of cave -like opening here. Like a cave?
Sort of, yeah. Seems natural. This must be why
they didn't let us down here. For the surveillance.
Well, Dolan, you would love this. Dolan thinks
he would love it and actually does go down. I
feel more comfortable now. I'll go down. I'm
following behind. Okay, cool. Only in the get.
With everyone now downstairs, you see this big
cave -like opening that Prick had mentioned,
and there's a large wooden door set into the
stone, and it is pretty old. All around the door
is a bunch of Aztec -inspired art. The door itself
is framed by images depicting eight burning torches,
four on either side. and a large turquoise figure
above the door, peering down eerily. You also
see a sign which says, No access granted. Trespassers
will be prosecuted. Well, I'm having a peek.
Don't know about the rest of you. After you.
Dolan, you also see that those gas lines, they
run down and are affixed to the wall, and then
they run through to the other side of that big
wooden door. After you, Seb. If you insist. As
Brick pushes this heavy wooden door, you all
feel an immediate chill as the air kind of rushes
into the room. A genuinely Baltic little breeze
is whipped up and whistles past your head. Now,
you may all flick on your trusty OSNA flashlights,
which you were issued earlier. You realise that
you've entered what appears to be some sort of
natural tunnel beneath the bar. Now, it's thin
enough for two people to sort of walk shoulder
to shoulder. It's not mad snug or anything. and
despite the age of the passageway, the walls
look like they've been heavily graffitied, so
it's all over the walls. Amongst the art, you
can clearly see that the gas lines from the other
side of the door are running along the wall.
So, at first glance, they sort of look like primitive
cave paintings, but further you get as you're
walking along, the clearer it becomes to you,
Matty, that these paintings contain inks and
colours that could only have been invented in
the last century. You know, it's got the one
cyan that you get in printers. In fact, for the
really arty amongst yous, the paintings seem
to contain the same colour palette as the bar
upstairs. Blues and greens and all hues in -betweens.
And you see that there's an ocean depicted and
a sky surrounding you like you're walking down
one of them scary aquarium tunnels with all the
fish and sharks around you. No thank you, not
for me. Wow, so somebody must have painted this.
Why wouldn't they let us see this? They kept
blocking our requests. Dolan, have you ever seen
anything like this? No, no, I haven't. I don't
know what's going on here. Surely, though, Seb,
if it's privately owned, they don't need to show
everything to you if you don't have an entitlement
to see it? No, probably not, but... You know,
we need to inspect the foundations before any...
Clients could make offers on the place. It's
on a cliff's edge. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty risky foundations
there, I think you'd agree, Dylan. Yes. Yeah.
So, of course, we put in a few attempts to check
it out. But it's because we all know that there's
gold here. They found gold here. Am I the only
sane person in these tunnels that thinks there
might be something else going on here? Well,
there's obviously something else going on here,
but I don't think this is purely financial. Money
is not our motivator. Well, fair enough. You
can come and look at the art, and if we find
any cool gold coins, I'll keep them. All right.
As this simmering argument continues, you walk
down this long, dark, natural corridor. And your
flashlight's glancing across all this artwork,
and you start to see that this appears to be
some sort of beginning of a wee story. So it
looks almost like a continuous mural. You see
a fish, a bird, and a snake, and a man, all sailing
aboard a small boat. There's dark clouds appearing
overhead, ringing with them a violent storm.
The four companions are thrown from their vessel
and seek shelter inside a nearby cove. As you
press further down the corridor, you see repeating
depictions of these companions. They're shown
in the entrance of the cove, over and over again,
as suns and moons rise and set around them. Ahead,
you see another wooden door. The wall it sits
upon is painted like a cliff face, and at the
very top, you see a familiar little building.
It's the Sea Signior. Above it, dark clouds rain
gold coins, which spill around the door and pile
up along the bottom of the walls. There's even
some painted on the floor. It's like a big win
on the penny fault. That's one of them amusement
machines that pushes a rake of coins over the
edge for any Americans in the room. There was
a storm brewing whenever we came in here. It's
like in the picture. A storm? Yeah. Screw that.
Look at the coins. There's gold. I told you.
Fish, bird, snake. Who's the man? Well, we had...
That's a good question. The one person shortener.
Mickey Mackerel. Samuel Ryan's skinny lynch.
But who's the guy? Who cares? Let's go in. Let's
see. Unless you're scared. Yeah, I am. Yeah,
there's something odd going on here, Seb. Odd?
You're blinded by greed. Consider your well -being.
Whoa there, cowboy. It's an interest. It's a
financial interest. Oh, come on. You should have
stayed in the puzzle game, man. Right? Yeah.
You wouldn't be here, would you? Without the
help of my puzzly mind. We would have probably
checked the keg room at some point. Oh, whatever.
Seb pushes the door open. And through this door,
you're struck with a strange sight altogether.
The floor of this room is gridded, like a big
chessboard. But this is no regulation human -sized
chessboard. No, this one has alternating pictures
and letters on all the squares. There's a frog,
a snake, a dog, a fish, a bunch more to boot.
On the far side of the room, there's a steel
door with three large mechanical locks on it,
the mechanisms of which seem to extend from the
door and into the surrounding stone of the cave
wall. Whoa. What is this? Let's give it a go.
I'll stand on the... No, it's a... I'll try the
koala. All right. Prick steps forward and stands
on the koala. You hear a and a dart flies into
his neck. What the fuck? What the fuck? His eyes
are like pinpricks at this point. Jesus fucking
Christ. It's like cheap speed. Can I use the
power of medicine to save Seb? You can use the
power of medicine to find out what's happening.
Oh, God. 46 under 80. That boy looks like he's
on some sort of amphetamine or speed. He is peaking.
Christ alive. That is insane. Do not stand on
the koala. Except we were at no risk of that.
Maybe the three of you should try a different
combination. All right. Anyone feel brave to
step on an M? No. I'm going to stand on an M.
I'll stand on the other M. No, Dolan, get on
a fish. All right. As Dolan steps on the fish,
you hear a loud thunk as one of the lock mechanisms
disengages from the door. Great. All right. Bird
and SL. Bird and SL. I'm going for S. I'm just
looking at the S. There's only one S, I think.
I'll go to the other L. I hop off and run around
and go to the verge. A very rewarding clunk noise
happens as the second lock disengages. I will
stand completely still. You're going for snake,
I'll go for R. That makes sense. We can all hold
hands. I don't want to hold hands. Everyone holds
hands as they hear the final lock disengage.
Yay! Prick stands watching. coming up like a
fucking bull, man. This is insane. Well, if you
don't want to go on ahead, we won't stop you.
Brick charges to the door and opens it. Exiting,
you find yourself in a familiar tunnel with more
paint and surrounding you. You recognize the
four companions, the fish, the bird, the snake,
and the man, though this time you see them depicted
in a large, dark cave. The door behind you swings
closed and you hear the three locks re -engage.
You notice a system of pulleys and ropes suspended
from the ceiling that are hooking onto that door.
It sort of reminds you of Home Alone a wee bit.
They lead from that door further down the corridor
and into the darkness. As you descend, so too
do the artistic representations on the wall,
diving deeper until eventually coming upon an
enormous ship painting docked in a large lagoon
within the cove. On the side of the ship, you
recognize the name the Doloroso from upstairs.
Directly in front of you, however, lies another
door. this time utterly clattered in black paint
and being towered over by an enormous dark figure.
Not unlike the turquoise one from the entrance
to the tunnel network. You see the gas lines
continuing to run along these walls and through
to the other side of this door. Raked out on
speed, prick opens that door. And if you thought
the last room you were in was weird, then you
should probably adjust your expectations. Once
again, you see a locked door at the far side
of this room, but beside the door, set into the
wall. is a little narrow vertical glass panel
that you can see into, and behind which is a
wee ping -pong ball sitting at the bottom of
this little chimney -looking thing. And at the
bottom of this little ball window, jutting out
of the wall at a 45 -degree angle, you see what
appears to be a pretty dinged -up tin whistle.
It's like the thing has sort of been grafted
into the stonework. And above the door, you see
some crude pictograms. Depicting what looks like
finger placements for the own whistle. As well
as the words bubble, oink and blank painted in
big letters. Fuck. Squeak. Squeak. So these pictograms
you see, it's like a vertical column of little
circles. Some of them are filled in, some of
them aren't. And above each of them is a series
of letters. D through C in a wee circle. So D,
E, F, G, A, B and C. Wow. This is... Certainly
different. Bubble oinking. They serve that upstairs,
don't they? It's a word that we can make from
this. But there's blanks. No, no, I've got it.
I've got it. It's cabbage. Oh, well done. Of
course, that's what squeak is. Do you want to
play it? Play cabbage? Sure. You got this? A
cabbage is fired at you. As Maddy blows the notes,
the little ball starts moving up and down this
tube, and as it hits each point, you hear little...
..of a mechanism disengaging, and the lock appears
to be disengaged. Yay! That was incredible, Maddy.
I didn't know you had it in you. Neither did
I. Well done. Another door. This little speed
demon practically kicks the thing open at this
point. Where's the damn gold? Guys, what's our
end goal here, by the way? I mean, I'm just happy
we can go through doors now. Deeper and alive.
I guess we were trapped. We're not going to be
any less trapped. Do we still have the cat? The
cat is indeed following you. It's taking a wee
liking to you. It's walking between your wee
legs. With this door open. You find yourself
in the continuation of the tunnel yet again,
and there's a bunch more paintings surrounding
you. Again, you see these four companions, the
fish, the bird, the snake and the man. And once
again, the door swings closed behind you. This
time, you see them aboard this ship, having discovered
some warm blankets and old torches and rags.
They're bathed in warm firelight, illuminating
the absolute sea of gold that surrounds them.
They're halfway swimming around in it like Scrooge
McDuck. But in the darkness, outside the reach
of their torchlight, they're being watched by
a shadowy figure with big old red eyes. Suns
and moons pass overhead throughout this mural.
The companions begin to grow gaunt and weak.
The shadow figure watches them patiently, and
in its hand is a stone disc. You recognise it
as somewhat similar to the thing you found on
the note from Samuel Ryan's notebook. The sandstone.
It is indeed this eight -pointed star. In the
center, a big face with a blade -like tongue.
Give me an art roll. Oh, oh no, my hubris. 95
over 60. Well, Doloroso certainly seems Spanish,
but you don't know what it means. So the last
thing you saw was that shadowy figure with a
stone disc in its hand with that... image that
you recognize from the paper. Now, on this mural,
you see that creature having bided its time.
It sets upon the man when he steps outside the
light of the torches, and he devours what meager
life force remained within that fell. The remaining
companions, terrified for their lives, fend off
the beast with their torches and seal it inside
the captain's chambers. They fill their pockets
with gold and climb the mast to escape. Once
again, you see before you a door. and painted
upon this cold stone around it, you see three
men. One with the head of a fish, one with the
head of a bird, and one with the head of a snake.
They're doing that see no evil, hear no evil,
speak no evil thing that monkeys do. They're
being watched over by that familiar turquoise
figure. Seb can't help himself, he pushes the
door open. Absolutely mad for these doors. I
was initially feeling bad that we were making
him scout, but I think we can't stop him. He's
happy with this. Yeah, I mean... He is absolutely
buzzing on whatever is in his neck. If he wants
to do Canary, who are we to stop him? Guys, look
and see what's in here. It's crazy. As you look
through the door, there is a river of shite flowing
through the middle of it. It looks like the room
is cut down the middle by a big sewage line,
like the main sewage line for the whole town.
It's just sitting there like a big river, fully
open to the world. It's absolutely shocking smelling.
On the wall on the side of the room that you're
on, there's a big painting of Saint Jerome with
tears in his eyes, looking saintly as anything.
Now, you know it's Saint Jerome because whoever
painted this decided to give him a wee name badge
and it says Saint Jerome on his chest. Painted
next to Earl Jerome is a familiar sight to anyone
who's watched a little bit of daytime TV. You
see two rows of white capital letters on little
blue squares spelling out the words WE BAR. Lou
odours. There's a knackerdile exercise bike next
to you on this side of that stinky flow. On the
far side of the river amok, you see a door with
a BBC micro desktop computer sitting beside it.
Big clicky clacky keys and all. And there's a
wire coming out of the back of it that looks
like it's connected to the door and another wire
that's flowing back through that river of shite
and it's hooked up to that wee exercise bike
on your side of the room. On the ground, by the
far door, is a wooden plank. It's about three
metres long, and it's a bit shady at one end.
What the hell is going on in here? It absolutely
reeks! I mean, it's an anagram, right? Yeah.
That would be my guess as well. And one of us
goes on the bike to... Well, let's see. And I
hop on the exercise bike. The PC, after about
20 seconds, begins to start its boot -up procedure.
I stopped cycling. The screen begins to sort
of, like, it maintains for another, like, 15,
20 seconds, and then sort of begins to fade.
Okay. Obviously, one of us needs to get across
this river of shite to the computer. Yeah, Saeb,
you do. Oh, come on, guys. What? I might be hopped
up on cheap speed that got fed to me through
a fucking dart, but I'm not an idiot. No, but
the things that you do for love. One of them's
to ship the second line there. The first word
is beware. Beware Dolorado. Dolorado. Doloroso.
Doloroso, there we go. Beware Doloroso. All right,
I guess I'll type that in when I go over. All
right. Seb takes a few steps back and gives it
his roided up best shot. He sprints and he leaps
and he makes it a fair distance. And then he
belly flops straight into it and loses his footing
and is swept away. Oh, Jesus. Did I just kill
him? Did I just kill him? Join the club. You'll
have your time as well. All right, snakes and
ladders. How large is the gap again? It's a bit
smaller than three metres. Is he dead? You don't
know where he's gone. That fella's out of sight.
I'm sorry. I might have killed a man. I'm not
fully with it right now. Look, it's a difficult
situation. We don't know what happened. He's
been swept away. He could be fine. He could be
dead. We don't know. I didn't realise it was
like a rapid. I thought it was a placid river
of shite, but no. Oh, it's flowing. What if we
use the cable from the bike to like kind of get
over safely? There is indeed an electrical cable
running from that bike across. I'm sure you could
hold it and wade through. All right. Could you
hold the exercise bike while I wade through shit?
That's good, Ian. Yeah, yeah. Are you sure you
want to do this? Listen, he said snakes and ladders,
and I realized I still have a lot more to do
to redeem myself. I gingerly lure myself into
the cold, stinking shit for the good of my friends.
You do feel it slapping about your ankles, but,
you know, you're holding on to that cable. And
you're able to feed it hand over hand and wade
your way across. It's only up, like, a wee bit
above your knees. My, mm, yes, but the cable's
covered in shite, yes? The cable is indeed covered
in shite. Ah, yes, that's definitely shite. So
I get to the other side and I go, hop! You climb
out and you make your way over to that wee computer.
Now, it's powered down at this stage. Dolan!
Yeah? Get on those pedals. All right, and I'm
pedalling away. As you pedal, Dolan, the computer
springs to life. And on the screen, you see what
looks like a bunch of squares waiting for a wee
password to be entered. There's a little saucy
pixelated version of both Richard and Carol from
Countdown in either corner. I type in the words,
beware Doloroso. And the door in front of you
unlocks. So I put the plank across. You're able
to place the plank across the river. The cat
immediately bolts across the plank and starts
crawling at the door. Alright, okay. Does someone
want to take the cat? I don't trust this cat.
Yeah, I'll take the cat. Take the cat. As you
open the door, you find yourselves on a high,
stony platform within a large cave. The platform
disappears off to your right and left, lost in
the darkness. The door, once again, shuts closed
behind you. And as you step towards the edge,
your eyes can't believe what you see before you.
The crow's nest of a ship sitting atop a large
mast which reaches almost the entire way up to
the ceiling of this cave. Now it isn't quite
within reach, but you can see an old piece of
rope that was tied to a rock next to you which
has since been cut. The rest of it dangles loosely
from the crow's nest into the void of darkness
below. Next time on the Bad Articles, join our
knuckles for the exciting conclusion as they
find out what those old lads were keeping down
here. Starring... Laura Conlon, Patrick Meier and Niall
McKenna.