The Bad Articles is an improvised comedy show.
That means our cast have no idea what they're
going to say until they say it. In addition to
this, we use a rules-light percentile dice system
of our own making to drive certain aspects of
the story. An extra touch of chaos. If you hear
this sound, it means someone has succeeded. If
you hear this sound, it means they've failed.
To avoid injury or inconvenience, you'll hear
us call for a preservation roll. This allows
our players to react to an immediate threat.
When inspiration strikes, you'll hear us ask
for a luck roll. This gives our players the chance
to pull something useful from their pockets or
the environment, right there in the moment. Try
not to worry too much about the mechanics, though.
The dice are just for us. The story they help
us create, that's for you. For more information
on our rule system, you can check out the episode
descriptions, explore our socials, or you can
join our Discord server and talk with the creators.
Enjoy the show. Since the dawn of time, Ireland
has played host to unimaginable horrors, ushered
in through an ever-wakening veil between our
world and the other side. They live among us,
shaping our mythology, sowing chaos. Scaring the shit out
of people. Not all hope is lost. Underfunded,
undergunned and underappreciated, the OSNA stand
proudly in the way of unchecked otherworldly
chaos. This secret network of brave volunteers
put their lives and their sanity on the line,
all for a better tomorrow. Have you ever been
pursued by the living dead and sought refuge
from their foul, shambling corpses within the
sanctified walls of a church or chapel, only
to realise that zombies don't give a fuck about
God and that they can just wander in anyway?
You better call the OSNA before you find yourself
in The Bad Articles. Hello, hello, hello. My
name is JR McCormick and I am absolutely delighted
to welcome you to the second recording of The
Bad Articles. This is an improvised comedy horror
tabletop show set right here in Ireland, so if
you're a fan of rolling dice, sipping Guinness
and being mildly haunted, you've come to the
right place. Every engine needs an ear, so give
it up to the man in the hidden fortress with
the headphones on. It's our resident sound sorcerer,
Clark Phillips. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
Huzzah! Every game needs its master, and guiding
us through tonight's creeping dread is none other
than our very own sweet prince of darkness, Aidan
Kelly. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! And of
course... What's a game without players? Before
we abandon our real names and descend into madness
together, please allow me to introduce our wonderful
cast. As Maddie Murphy, we have Laura Conlon.
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! As Dolan Gibbons,
we have Patrick Meier. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
Huzzah! And as Gideon Hubble, we have Niall McKenna.
Huzzah! Huzzah! There's always a pause. Does
anyone feel this is going to be harder than last
time? This is going to be... Like they've introduced
new mechanics. Yeah. I feel... We are not using
the practice dice anymore. No. We've got the
stabilizers off those dice. No rubber rings.
You're all going to be okay. Fuck. Maybe. I mean,
that's what you told Con. That is what it is,
yeah. So last time we had a little question.
Before we started, just a little chitter -chatter,
getting to know you guys better. We've got a
question this time around. Have any of you ever
found actual treasure? Niall McKenna. My brother
says that he found like a hundred pounds in a
hedge one time. Is that treasure or is that just
someone else's money? It has value. My parents
were like, he absolutely did not. Coins or notes?
I don't know. I never saw it. But my parents
were like, are you dealing drugs? I don't actually
know. Am I asking? Get him on the phone. Get
him on the phone. Can we get a call in? Aidan
Kelly. Have you ever found treasure? No, but
I could see myself getting into like metal detectorism.
I could see that for you 100%. Yeah. I've seen
one man on a beach do it once and I thought,
that looks like a nice way to spend a Sunday.
Yeah, you would suit that. Laura Conlon. Did
you find anything cool? Treasure? I find a lot
of treasures in charity shops. But I don't know
if that counts quite the same. But my mother
has raised me to have an eye for something that's
worth a lot more than 50p. Oh, for sure. So that
far. Yeah. I dig that. I believe that. Patrick?
I don't think so. When I was younger, there was
like a sort of like a field area where... They
found dinosaur bones at one point. And I didn't
find them. I wish I did. But they had like this
sort of like flint -like rocks. And I remember
all the kids would always just like... picked
them up and always be convinced that this was
like a fossil from hundreds of years ago. It
was not, but it was a nice wee make -pretend.
I enjoy that. And I like that for you, especially.
That's a good cover story for the treasure that
you definitely have found and don't want to tell
us about. Yeah, yeah. Both times you've asked
us questions, Patrick's been like, not really,
and then told the most interesting answer. Dinosaur
bones? Yeah, I'm trying to auction off dinosaur
bones in secret. It's my retirement plan. I love
it. Well, those were all marvellous stories.
I enjoyed them thoroughly. Definitely yours,
Patrick, was top of the bunch. I, too, have a
little story for yous. This wee story takes place
on a Saturday in the town of Rathgoul in the
year of our Lord, 1993. Now, as you know, this
quaint city village sits at the heart of Ireland.
But did you also know that it's within a stone's
throw of the coastline? I know. Sure, that's
madness, says you. But this is a place of tall
tales. And you might be surprised just how well
in the landscape is to change in order to host
a good story. And sure, if you squint a bit,
it'll all make sense. It can't have been more
than a week since we last left our brave volunteers
raising a glass of unpasteurised milk to their
fallen comrade, Clary Postman the Milkman. Warm
unpasteurised milk, come to think of it. Which
reminds me, I really do need to sort out the
fridge situation in the pub. The one one in the
back finally gave up the ghost, which I promptly
sucked up into the hoover like a Dan Aykroyd.
I'm only joking. That was just a wee bit of ghost
-hunting humour there to try and lighten the
mood because a man is dead. But I will say, if
you're ever stuck, that Hoover trick does work,
but not in poltergeists, for they tend to be
thicker. Anyway, on the corner of Slitter's Cross
sits a crooked and dishevelled little building
with a set of big red doors. I'm sure you know
it well. It's White's Tavern. And inside we find
Matty Murphy, Dolan Gibbons and Gideon Hubble.
They're all sitting at a wee table alongside
our Mervyn. All dressed in black with sullen
looks on their faces. For today was the day of
Clary's memorial service. I'm behind the bar
dressed normal because I didn't go. I wonder
if your man Gideon regrets killing his mate.
I regret killing my mate. Okay, it wasn't you.
It was the big worm. I mean, I think... You acted
poorly. But it wasn't intentional. I just think
about... What he used to say, you know? A boy
needs his father and a father needs his boy.
Well, yeah. He's never going to see his boy.
Listen, Gideon... Another glass of spiked milk,
please. It could have been... I deserve the gastric
disturbances. Coming up. Please stop drinking
that. It really could have been anyone of the
four of us. Four of us. Five, sorry. Birdie.
He took his damages. I appreciate you saying
that, but I think I'm going to have to do a lot
to redeem myself, to be honest. Well, I had a
thought about that. His car's still out there.
Not the wreck. Did no one take out the milk?
Yeah, that's... I brought buckets and gloves,
but to be honest, I wasn't very keen on doing
it myself. Oh, so now this is a... What you're
suggesting is a group activity? Am I understanding
correctly? Well, if he's looking to redeem himself,
I suppose I'm content with just him doing it.
I will do it. Right. I will do it. Is that a
hazmat suit? No. Oh. Just regular coveralls.
Marigolds. Good luck. Nice. Got a wee mask because
I thought the smell. Yeah, thanks. I appreciate
that. I'll leave his... What's the term? Effects?
Is that the one? The fucked on the tapes? Yeah,
the tapes. Yeah. Maybe bring them in. Yeah, bring
them in. but in a solemn and respectful fashion.
Here's your spiked milk there, Gideon. Thank
you. Please don't drink that. I'm begging you,
please. I was the memorial service anyway. I
know we didn't have the body, but every OSNA
agent gets one. Look, it was very respectful.
You know, everyone stood up. They said their
wee piece. No, you know, he was a good fella.
You know, it's dangerous work, so you can't go
blaming yourself. I didn't expect as many milkmen.
Honestly, neither did I. I don't know how word
got out. These are normally close ceremonies,
but I don't know, there must be some secret channel
that all these milkmen communicate on. Hey, maybe
there was a tape in the eventuality. Well...
He seemed the sort. Speaking of, actually, while
yous were out at the memorial service, of course
I had to stay here with Bertie, but I did get
a wee visit from a real postman today. And he
did drop this round. How long? It says here it's
the last will and testament to Clary Postman.
He had it delivered here. He had it delivered
here. Well, not him. Signed by Maud. Must have
been his wife. Did that ever come up? I haven't
even considered it. Oh, God. Oh. This might be
terrible of me, but I just assumed he... Yeah,
100%. Separated, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, why
has it come here? Well, your own guess is as
good as mine, but... You're sticking in. It has
a wee tape here, so it does, and I suppose we
should listen to it together. Birdie, I know
you're still recovering from your injuries, but
can you play this tape for us? It's a toy. You
don't need to... Shut the fuck up. It's not a
toy, Dolan. It's absolutely not a toy. This bar
to be lost without him will be honest with you.
I just don't understand. I'm sorry. I'm just
very stressed. Guys, can we not... fight over
Bertie in front of Bertie. It's a very sad time.
People are grieving. He's got a microphone that's
like robot ears. Sorry. Sorry for sparring in
front of... Sorry, Bertie. That's your first
step to redemption right there, Gideon. I appreciate
that. Well, it was a step back and then a step
forward, but... Sorry, in the interest of...
You're in the same place that you were. Like
snakes and ladders. Like snakes and ladders,
yeah. Right, shall we play on this? Yes, please.
Hey, it's me again, Clyde Busman, the Milkman.
I'm doing a wee mission here for the official
Supernatural Never Regions agency. And I'm going
to Spars Hollow, and there's something about
them. I don't know, I trust them. They seem like
good folk. They were, and they were really interested
in me and CJ. They even, they even came out to
my car to see all the cooling systems I had jerry
-rigged in and all. I accidentally called it
a contraption, and they only made fun of me a
little too. So you know, good people. They said
they'd help me look for CJ too, and that, that
means a lot. Uh, anyway, I'm on, I'm on my way
to Spars Hollow to go and find some robot turnips.
And you have a bit of time to kill. We're still
like 40 miles. We're still going. So this is
the last will and testament of Clary Postman,
the Milkman. Amendment 56, this is. Amendment
56. Now, if you've listened to the previous 55
wills, you know that most of my things are going
to go to Maude and to CJ. So first and foremost,
it's the tapes. I'm going to ask Maddie Murphy
to hold on to them for CJ, I think. I'm actually
driving behind Maddie and she's a good driver,
I'll tell you that much. And she seemed to really
care about CJ. She didn't make fun of him for
being lost or nothing. Did any of us make fun
of him for being lost? No, I don't think so.
Not a lot. I think the man just had a low bar.
He also was totally nursing that robot turnips
thing long after he said it was done. But anyway,
let's hear on. But if she doesn't want them,
maybe Assumpta will, because I've got two years'
worth of tapes here, and she might want that
for her OSNA archives, because, oh boy, have
I seen some wild stuff in these past two years.
Like, actually wild, because now that I think
about it, there's a good few things on the island
I need to tell her about. Anyway, next up on
the list is my car. What a wonderful wee thing
you are. But I think I'll give you to Dolan because
his wife isn't around right now and he was wanting
to cut down on his milk. Can you imagine that?
Cutting down on his... Ah, but if he takes my
car, he doesn't even have to because he could
just store his milk in there and for her until
she gets back. Buzz, I'll just hand these to
you. It seems like the car is your responsibility.
Taking care of it is definitely your thing, yeah.
So how far we've gone from redemption? I'll just
redeem myself another way. Now you're distancing
yourself. The worm killed the man. I just hurried
things along. Play the tape. And then as a bonus
too, this car's so good because now he has a
secret place to come and cry if he ever needs
to. I don't know if he needs to, but he might
need to. His wife's gone. I don't need to cry.
You can talk to us if you need to. I don't. I
can talk to... You can talk to Gideon if you
want to. It's a safe space here. I can also talk
to my wife or kids. I don't need to talk to you
two. But if he does need to, the freezing cold
temperatures here keeps the moisture from ever
leaving your eyes, so you can just feel every
emotion you've ever felt in here and no one's
any the wiser. Which is pretty useful from time
to time, to be honest. Finally, there's Gideon.
Gideon! He's seen some stuff too. He gets these
weird premonitions of death and all that, which
is mad. So he's going to get my milk holsters
for safety, you know, because maybe he can keep
his eye equipment with him at all times or something
and then he can begin to weaponize his gift.
I'm going to look like I have like an infant
son. Like if I wear these in the street, people
will be like, where's the child? Don't word.
You're going to look like you have a gun if they're
empty. That's true. You gotta put something in
them. Yeah. Nothing scarier than an empty holster.
Do you give us... Weapons? Yeah. Oh, I had a
question about reimbursement as well. Oh, for
petrol? Well, I had to buy a round of drinks
and I haven't been reimbursed for that. You offered...
Well, it was either that or have Wide Tommy come
and beat you guys. Wide Tommy? Dylan! Dylan!
I thought you guys had something. I thought that
was a friendship for life. You absolutely did
have something. Play the tape. Finally, finally,
I want to speak to the person who killed me because
I know in my heart of hearts that I'm going to
be killed and not just die. So for you, the person
who killed me, my first gift to you is that I
absolve you of your guilt. I forgive you for
killing me. Yes! We all agreed it was the worm
five minutes ago. So we absolve the worm? Yeah.
So I was never to blame. You celebrated a little
too hard at that. I did. I did. That's another
step back on the snakes and ladders. You're still
wearing your suits. That's another snake, Gideon.
Maybe this isn't about Clary. Maybe this is just
about me being a better person. I think you don't
want to clean the milk. Okay. None of us want
to clean the milk. Yeah, but it's Dolan's car
now, and if Dolan wants Gideon to clean the milk.
All right. We just need to get the car in piece
by piece. You're not bringing a bloody car into
the pub. There's no room. There's a pillow table
over there. I was kidding, guys. Pillow table.
I'm sure you had your reasons, and I do know
that you're going to be a milkman. 100 % you're
definitely a milkman. So I can respect you doing
your duty and just taking me out. Pause, pause.
Milkmaster. Pause. No! No, don't say that. Did
he assume another milkman was going to come?
And they were all at the funeral? Was that safe?
Look, I think that there's stuff going on amongst
milkmen that us mere mortals can't understand.
I think, you know, there's some weird... equally
clandestine organisation going on there? It certainly
is. Wow, this can be our next assignment, is
looking into the milk mafia in Ireland. I like
the term milk mafia. I like that more than believing
that it might be true. Yeah, the name is good.
Yes. Did you notice at the funeral, at the wake
rather, they all ate sandwiches at the same time?
The noise was unsettling, yes. Like a murmuration
of starlings. Sandwiches? Excuse me, Mervyn,
did we put on a spread? No, they brought their
own. Oh, good. Yep, they all had their wee peace
box and they took them out and then it was borderline
deafening. You heard this big... Cacophonous.
Horrifying. Pan, loaf, bread, butter and sugar.
You know it. However, you will also know what
awaits you now. So to my killer, I bequeath you
my pride and joy, cow. And I'm sure you're well
aware that she is the cow that makes my milk
the purest milk in all the land. It's one cow.
So much milk. That seems... I live in a one -bedroom
apartment in the centre of town. I can't have
a cow. I can't have a cow. So we're back to you
being the cow. So you killed him. I've got a
lot of confused feelings about this. We can't
give the cow to a worm. We're not giving the
cow to a worm. No, we can't. Don't even know
where it is anymore. Although it would solve
the cow problem in many ways. Whoa. The cow problem.
Assumption. Do you want to take care of it? Do
I? Fuck. Well, then it's a problem, isn't it?
What if... The cow lives here. Free milk. I do
only sell it unpasteurised. You do. You do. The
cow can do what Omnibot was doing. Pour pints.
And then I can take Omnibot back into my care.
Maddy Murphy, you're not taking Omnibot out of
this bar again. He's mine. He's perfect. You
brought him back with a bloody working elbow.
I've never seen pints poured like it. It's protein
dense. Nutrient rich omnipotent milk. It can
completely sustain the human body. And it is
the only thing that I've consumed for the past
four years. Now, obviously, I can't tell you
how I managed to get cow to create that milk.
I mean, I think I did on one of these tapes,
so maybe Maddie knows, but that was for CJ's
ears and not yours. And of course, such a magnificent
creature draws iron eyes. And there are one particular
set of eyes and greedy, greedy paws that you
must keep cows safe from. So your task... Person
who killed me, Clary Postman the Milkman, is
to keep cows safe. Keep her safe from him. Oh.
Well, it's over. Is that it? It seems to be it.
It was a lot. That was a nominous ending. And
he recorded that the whole way to Sparrow's Hollow?
That's fucking madness. Yeah, that's kind of...
He's updated this thing 56 times. Knowing that
he's updated it so frequently. Kind of gives
me a bit of ease. But knowing that he had met
us, had been sent out and was like, I'm going
to die. Gotta update my will. Doesn't make me
feel amazing about my connection with Clary.
Also, Maude has written here in the letter that
the tape was sent in no swapsies in all caps.
I don't know what that means. I think that means
you're stuck with a cow, sir. I mean, if you
have the tapes, could we see if we have a man
in 55 and maybe see who the cow was meant to
go on before? It seems to me as though the cow
was always meant to go to the person that killed
him. But it was in the amendment. He didn't die
before recording tape 55. But it was in amendment
56, which implies it wasn't there in amendment
55. I think you both make excellent points. But
no, I will say... No, pick a side. I think the
amendment, he named the three of yous, and then
reiterated a previous point, potentially. All
right, I'll solve for that. See? Kid gloves.
Kid gloves. Ah, Jesus, oh. Tis madness now. that
he left all that stuff. And I'm not saying no
to the cow, Gideon, I'm not. But it's already
out the back. It's out the back? Well, of course
it is. Postman brought that as well. Postman
brought cow? He did. Postman brought cow? Do
you want me to walk her in? Bring her in. Go
get her. Hold on. No car in the place, but a
cow's just fine. Yeah. Get your massive broochie.
I've got to say, that is the cow. That is the
most cowest of cows. She has gorgeous eyelashes.
She's a fine creature. A fine creature. Do you
have a name? Oh, you do have a name. Cow. Pretty
boring, really, as far as it goes. You can rename
her if you want. I don't give a shit. No, no,
no, no. No swapsies. Name is name. Cow is cow.
Name is name. Cow is cow. Name is name. Cow is
cow. I like that. I like that as well. Well,
listen, seeing as you're all here and dressed
all sad, like, might be that there's no better
time than the present. to officially welcome
you is Knuckles and the OSNA. Here are your water
-resistant jackets, your torches and your jotters.
Use them wisely. You'll also find £2 coins each
taped inside the jotters. You're welcome. That's
a wee per diem. So it is for when you're out
on missions. So we look after you lot. And yes,
speaking of wee missions and sad clothes, the
Clippers pulled up an obituary from last week
for me. So a fella by the name of Mickey the
Mackerel Mulcroon. Reason being, he was the pub
landlord at a wee place called the Sea Signore.
That's S -E -A. It's on the top of Big Cliff.
You know Big Cliff? It's that wee town up the
coast road. Know it well. Well, that whole place
just sprung up around the pub when it opened.
Lovely wee place. But no wonder. That wee spot
does a wee lethal. Bubble oink and squeak. Oh,
Jesus. Delicious. Delicious. And it's the only
place that does my favourite drink, El Fuego
Numero 8. So I went up yesterday to the place,
and the hearse was still outside. And went up
again this morning, and sure enough, the thing
was still there. The funeral itself was meant
to take place four days ago, but what's left
of that body is still above ground. I'm sorry,
what's left of him? Oh, wait till I tell you,
right? So he was 92 years old, and the thing
that killed him was a fallen Casio keyboard.
It cut him in half like a sheet of glass in a
horror film. The back half was just a write -off,
smashed to absolute paste. But the front was
surprisingly well -preserved, so they've seemingly
just flapped that bit into a coffin. So it looks
like he's lying real deep in it, but he's not.
It's just half a man. Sorry, have you got a question?
No, you clarified. Not the top half, the front.
Yes, yeah, just schmeared the back right off
him. Yeah, the keyboard just must have fallen
with some speed. With a Casio? I know. They're
chunky enough. They are big. The back of them's
pretty flat. I'm assuming it was the rear side.
Because the front, you'd be hit with all the
keys and there'd be bumps. Makes you wish for
a grand piano. Oh, the cow's drinking a pint.
Ah, you're cheeky. So, now, that wasn't printed
in the obituaries, just to be clear. Right. What
did they say happened? In the obituary, because
people will have seen half a body in a coffin.
Well, no, it's a private function. So they just
said that the family are accepting any gifts
or donations of like flowers and all that sort
of stuff. But they didn't really go into the
details. They just said a bit about his achievements
and the pub. Now, just so I'm crystal clear,
because this is unusual. And in case of an open
casket funeral, he would look just fine because
you could only see the front part, right? I believe
that's what they'd probably go with, aye. Okay,
just so I visualise this correctly. Aye. If you
imagine a normal open casket funeral and there's
a body lying there, it would look exactly the
same, but about three inches lower in the coffin.
Gotcha. Maybe they propped him up. I don't know.
I couldn't get in. You tried? No, I'm not going
to go gatecrashing awake. On that note, though...
I wouldn't mind if you lot did. Because it's
been a few days. It's weird, right? I wanted
to take my wife there and I couldn't get in.
And I can't go knocking on the door. They know
me there. They'd be like, he's here for the bubble
oink and squeak and a big old drink. So I think
it needs a wee bit of a softer touch. So if you
could get out to Big Cliff and get into that
wake and just find out what the hell's taking
them so long. I haven't had an El Fuego numero
8 in over a week. I've got a wee itch to scratch.
Is this supernatural or you just want a drink?
All I'm saying is that's weird. And my wife and
I missed date night. So I wouldn't mind taking...
Yeah, right. Took her there on our first date.
Split a big double portion. It was lovely. They'd
bring it out in a big plate, set it right in
the middle of the table and just give you one
spoon and you pass it back and forth between
you. Romantic. Lengthwise. Thank you. Lengthwise.
Oh, not to be a pedant, and obviously it's a
sad time generally, but double portion that you
split. So that's just two portions. But it's
on one plate. But it's on one plate. They gave
you less cutlery, so it was a split of all. Yes.
That is intimate. Yeah. You lady and the trumpet.
Now, I normally say to new recruits, most things
are a bust. You know, just don't worry. Nine
out of ten, nothing weird's happening. You had
a bad start, and I'm sorry. Rest in peace. But
this one will be fine. It'll be fine. Convince
us. That'll be grand. A man's died. Look, anything
to get out of this. Dreary. No offence. It's
just the mood is sad and grieving. I just, I
want to go to the beach. All right, snakes and
ladders. Well, we're going to a wake. Yeah, I...
We will be going from a Finnish funeral to one
that's ramping up. Ramping up for the big Finnish.
Assumpta, can we leave the car here? Can you
leave the car here? Are you making us bring the
cow to... I'm not making you do a damn thing.
If you want to leave the cow here... Where do
you want to go, cow? It's nice that you asked,
Matty. It'll be ten pounds. That's fair. We only
have six pound between us. You're going to have
to give us a raise. Looks like you're taking
a cow to the beach. All right, cow. Come on.
Follow the pound. Exiting the town of Rathgool,
the density of houses begins to dwindle. as you
slowly venture towards the ocean. The smell of
salt permeates your nostrils as the sound of
seagulls and crashing waves fill your ears. It
sounds like you're approaching Port Rush. You
travel along the coast road for about 20 minutes
before seeing a beach in the near distance, stretching
off to the left and right and flanked by modest
cliffs. Resting upon the top of the tallest cliff
to the left there is a lonely turquoise -blue
building overlooking the sand, the Sea Signore.
The main road turns right into a winding trail
of that sandy grass that you're allowed to drive
on and it leads up towards the structure. Outside
you see several parked cars as well as a hearse.
Chipping paint reveals the render beneath with
various shades of old blue paint peeking out.
The building sits quite literally on the edge
of a small cliff face, its back caked in salt.
Getting out of your car, you see a beautiful
view of the town of Big Cliff and its surrounding
landscape. The town is hugged by flatlands and
the sun is high in the sky, shining brightly
upon the buildings. It's like Postman Pat. The
thought of Postman Pat reminds you of Clary.
In fact, the sight of the hearse, the funeral
clothes you're wearing and the fact that you've
come from his memorial all remind you of your
friend Clary. That probably makes you sad. You
also notice now that the wind is sharper up here,
and that despite the picturesque vision of Big
Cliff below, there are, both figuratively and
literally, dark clouds hanging overhead. The
pub is wide and stubby, with a substantially
sized ground floor level, and a smaller second
floor. That's the first floor for any Americans
in the room. By the front door, you see a chalkboard,
which reads, Waking the Mackerel, by invite only.
What does that mean? Waking the mackerel. He
was called Mickey the mackerel. I know that,
but it's not Mickey the mackerel's wake. It's
waking the mackerel. I swear to God, if they've
sent us on another hocus pocus, I don't want
to kill either one of you. I don't want it to
happen again. Who said that we were going to
be the ones dying, Gideon? Don't amputate anymore.
Let's have a heart rule. No more amputations.
Aim for a worm, not for a friend. If it comes
down to it, you need to kill me. And if I die...
Dolan, you take care of Kai. We all agree this
Kai lives, right? Hands in. None of us were going
to kill the cow. Yeah, I'm not doing a hands
in, but I agree. The Kai lives. Say it. The Kai
lives. Ideally, no death, but if death, not Kai
death. Well, no, hold on. If death, cow death.
If death, if the option is one of us has to die
and the cow is included in that. only a few days
ago, trusted us with so many of his things so
that that would live on, his legacy would live
on. So if I'm in a situation where I have to
pick between you and the cow, you want me to
pick the cow? Okay, when you put it like that.
Yeah, that's how I'm putting it. Like, cut off
my arm, you know? I can take it a bit better
than him. So if it's between cutting off your
arm or one of the cow's legs, I should go for
your arm? Yes, that's fine. I'm sorry, Kai. You
come to us at a difficult time in our lives and...
We're going to have a big family of bereaved
creatures. Anyway, listen, I'm going inside.
We're all in the perfect disguise, so hopefully
we won't need a cover story. Right? Is there
a chance that I, in fact, know who he is? That
I've taken my kids here on beach holidays and
would have come across him? Yes, actually. That
is an excellent question. Now... You're a very
good father, I'm assuming, so you probably take
your kids all over the place. You mightn't remember
everywhere, so give us a wee roll. But I'd say
you need under 80. Under 80? Okay, that seems
very doable. That's an easy luck roll. Let's
begin how we want to end. Oh, 18. You have indeed
been to this place. It's a lovely wee spot. Mickey,
he was always there in the bar, and he has looked
about. 80 or 90, for as long as you remember.
Like, he's an old dad. You've been here? Yeah,
I actually know this man, yeah. Oh, shit. You
should take the lead then. Regular customer.
Well, he's not here. Yeah. Rest in peace. But...
Yeah, no, but I would have a reason to be at
this gig. Yeah, of course. I'll just say I was...
I was showing you two around. I was going to
stop by the pub and I saw the sign and I wanted
to pay my respects. The cow needed a comfort
break. The cow... And we needed to pull it somewhere.
We're not bringing the cow in, but... We can
allude to the cow. I think we're going to have
to allude to the cow. The cow is... It'll give
us an air of mystique. Hey, have a look at our
cow. They're called cow. I feel like I had such
a good cover story that worked so well and I
don't know why we're... I don't know why we're
changing it. I have a legitimate reason to be
here. We're just expanding on it. To be honest,
I wouldn't mind paying my respects. Why else
would you be showing me and Gideon around where
you used to bring your kids? You're just guests
and I brought you on a beach trip. Yeah, but
then how do we know each other, you know? Then
there's so much more questions. The car brings
us all together. Don't I need a car? It's been
a long week. I found out the supernatural is
real. I watched a man die and I feel like...
If we don't take care of this, no one will, and
that's been very disturbing to me. Yeah, we're
going to take care of it. All right, folks, get
your game faces on, look sad. Cow, eat grass.
You enter into a cosy, but not small, pub. As
you walk through the front door, you immediately
see in front of you a solid marble bar, light
aquatic blue in colour, kind of like a swimmer's,
with veins of gold running through it. The top
is a dark walnut brown and shows its age through
various chips, scratches and a bunch of those
S's that people used to do in school carved right
into the wood. Behind the bar stands a woman
of around 90 years old cleaning some glasses.
The door behind the bar looks like it leads off
into a kitchen. I'm going to go to the bar and
get a drink. Do I see like the widow or anything
like that? You do. And as you hear Gideon say,
I'm heading to the bar, you notice that it is
the widow herself behind the bar. I'm so sorry
for your loss. I just wanted to pay my condolences.
Oh, that's very, very kind of you. Of course,
it's a sad day. A sad, sad day. It really is.
I doubt you remember me. I used to come here
a lot, bring my family to the beach. Of course,
we have many, many regulars that have come to
the bar and... I'm afraid to say no. I have no
idea who you are. What's your name? Oh, it's
Dolan. Been a wee while, but I was younger. Had
a wee kid. Didn't really like the beach, so the
two of us snuck down here. And I'll tell you
what. For an old pint. For an old pint. And I
thought Mickey was good cracky. Tried to teach
him how to play pool. Jamie was useless. I'm
sure. I'm sure Mickey was dreadful himself. Gods.
Oh, yeah, a game would take hours. And will you
have a little pint yourself now? Oh, of course,
of course. At El Fuego Numerate, I'll get a big
fish glass. As this old lady heads towards, like,
under the bar to grab that glass, this whole
time she's been just sort of cleaning away. You
know, like, wee bar tasks, cleaning other glasses,
opening the till, giving things a wee wipe. The
woman herself, by the way, she's short, quite
stout and powerful looking. Quite. Thick and
luxurious hair for a woman of her age. More charcoal
than true grey. But it's cropped real short,
just below her ears. And she wears a worn leather
Stetson. There's a wee TV, a little box TV, mounted
on the wall, on top of a wee VHS player above
you. There's an episode of Countdown playing
on it. There you are there, Dolan. A big old
El Fuego numero 8. That will be two pounds. Have
we missed the conundrum? I'm sorry? I'm so sorry
for your loss. I'm not a regular. Have we missed
the conundrum? Like, how far through the episode
of Countdown? Oh, that. Believe it or not, it's
a tape. No way. I could rewind it if you'd like.
No, it's quite all right. You're a fan, or he
was? Mickey, he loved it. Truth be told, he loved
this episode so much. Sure, he'd play it often
when a new face would come into the bar. And
sure, he'd know the answers. That would make
him look mad smart. That's very smart. That's
very good. I should do that with Sudokus. You're
a puzzle fan, are you? Amateur. Hobbyist. but
I suppose that's very much the way with puzzles.
Sure, listen, there's no money in it. There's
no money in it. You're quite right. Well, tell
that to Carol, eh? That's what Mickey would tell
me anyway. An el fuego numero 8 for you also.
Yes, please. Go on then, go on yourself. And
is that a drink that is bespoke to here, or?
There's not another bar in the world that serves
an el fuego numero 8. Just ourselves, coined
right here, at the Sea Signor. Half a drop of
Diet Coke there. And half a lark. Like a big
brown shandy. Lovely. That'll be two pounds.
Yep. Gideon, you owned me a drink, didn't you?
I'm sorry for your loss. Here's four pounds.
Take two El Fuego Numerates, please. One for
yourself, of course. Thanks. Did Mickey invent
this? It was himself and some of the other lads.
They came up with the drink. The fella by the
name of Skinny. God rest him, gone now. 13 years
or so. And another chap of Samuel, but sure.
The least we say about him, the better. These
drinks are certainly fizzy. You're depth charging
a bunch of Diet Coke straight into a load of
lager, so she has to let it settle for a wee
bit and then top it up like a Guinness. So while
you're chatting, can I get a little awareness
roll from you? 51 over 20, it's a fail. 99. I've
got 32 under 60. Nolan, now while those pints
are settling, she went back to her little route
and, you know, she's like picking up wee, wee
glasses, giving it a clean, setting it down,
going and checking the till. She like picks up
the remote and turns on the TV. But in between
all of those things, she keeps like... playing
with a different picture, and it's hanging between
two of the optics, and it shows her and Mickey
outside the pub. But she keeps sort of lifting
it down, giving it a wee clean, popping it back
up, and just making sure to square it up neatly
each time. I will also say that while you're
looking up there, you've been here before, and
you go, I'm sure it's this place. You see a wee
framed newspaper as well. So there's a newspaper
cut out with a picture of young Mickey and his
two mates, Skinny and Samuel. from about 50 years
ago. And they're holding fistfuls of Aztec gold.
And there's a headline that reads, Fishermen
missing for two months, wash up with Aztec gold.
That must be a picture. Of Mickey and myself.
It's a lovely picture. Thank you. Precious memory
moment. Believe it or not, despite how well...
We still look. That photo's over 30 years old.
No. Believe it or not. Yes, indeed. I mean, you
still look like that. You're awfully kind, Dolan.
Me and Gideon are having like little whispery
comments of like, he is barely dead and he is
after her immediately. He is married. Do we know
that his wife... Does he have a wife? Does he
have a wife? Keep it down, he'll hear us. Well,
uh... It's awfully kind for all of you to come.
How did you know my mackerel? Your names, sorry?
This is Maddy. I'm Maddy. Nice to meet you, Maddy.
This is Gideon. I'm Gideon. We were actually
out awake earlier today as well. I was showing
him around and I thought... My God. I actually
thought coming here might take your mind off
it, but... Of course. It's been a fortunate time
for all of us, I suppose. It is dreadful, dreadful,
dreadful thing. The cruel hand of fate and death.
Sorry, what was your name? My name is Eloise.
Eloise Mulcrone. Nice to meet you properly, Eloise.
Sorry that it's under these circumstances. Remember
the mackerel well and drink fast the alfuego
numero eight. In his memory. Eloise, sorry, is
this a private event or can we perch up? We can
be very quiet, we can make ourselves very discreet,
but obviously it's a very private event. Well,
of course, we're... You know, we've been here
for a few hours now and there's room here at
the bar for folks that knew Mickey and, well,
I suppose on this occasion, folks that know folks
who knew Mickey. I'd say... You're welcome here,
so long as you're drinking. That's very kind
of you. Thank you. Thank you. We should go and
pay respects. And Gideon starts walking towards
the casket. You walk your way over to the casket,
and sure enough, that front half of that man
looks pristine. Whatever undertaker was onto
him like he did some job, but he does look like
he's lying quite deep in that coffin. We should
have got this guy for Clary. Gideon. I'm not
quite at the stage of grief that you are yet.
Be gentle with me. I'm sorry. Thanks. Dolan?
How you doing? Yeah, are you also grieving, Clary,
or is it just me? Have I forgotten about this?
Am I the only person that hasn't forgotten about
this man? This might sound a little bit cruel,
but he was such an odd man that it hasn't quite
sunk into me that he's dead. He does feel a little
bit like a figment of my imagination. It's fresh.
Yeah, I understand. The cow doesn't help the
situation, nor do the milkman who showed up at
the wake. All in all, this still feels a bit
surreal. Can I tell you something? Yeah. If a
week ago, or eight days ago, I'd met Clary and
he died, I'd probably be a lot sadder. I'd assume
he's totally gone. But since... then we know
now that things aren't as normal. We saw a worm,
a giant demon worm. You think he's going to come
back as a worm? No, I don't think he's going
to come back as a worm, but I just mean that
things aren't as clear. You don't think he's
coming back as the kai? No, no. Keep your voices
down. I just mean that things aren't as certain
as they used to be. I understand, but it sounds
like you're at the bargaining stage of grief
right now. Exactly. Thank you, Dolan. Thank you.
I'm just glad I have a support animal. Condiment.
Sorry, the conundrum. Next time in The Bad Articles.
Join our knuckles as they drink pints at a wake.
I wonder if Dolan can contain a sexual charisma.
The Bad Articles is created by J .R. McCormick
and Aidan Kelly. It is produced at Felbryn Studios
by the wonderful Clark Phillips with additional
sounds and voices from Conleth McVeigh. Starring
Laura Conlon. Patrick Meier and Niall McKenna.