Last time on The Bad Articles, our new recruits
visited not one, but two farms. What's up with
that horse hole? And does milk attract animals?
Stick around to find out what happens next, unless
you're a coward. Since the dawn of time, Ireland
has played host to unimaginable horrors, ushered
in through an ever -weakening veil between our
world and the other side. They live among us,
shaping our mythology, sowing chaos. Scaring
the shit out of people. Not all hope is lost.
Underfunded, undergunned and underappreciated.
The OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked
otherworldly chaos. This secret network of brave
volunteers put their lives and their sanity on
the line. All for a better tomorrow. Have you
ever had your in -laws over for dinner on a full
moon and they turned into werewolves but they
were actually pretty cool despite their insatiable
lust for the hunt? All things considered absolutely
perfect dinner guests but it made you worried
that there must be other worse werewolves out
there? You better call the OSNA before you find
yourself in the bad articles. We fade up on our
agents entering this warm hug of a building.
You are met with a full -sized cardboard cutout
of Harvey Keitel in Abel Ferreira's 1992 classic
Bad Lieutenant. You know the cutout, you know
what I mean. As you make your way deeper into
the shop, feet bouncing comfortably off a British
racing green carpet, your nostrils are perked
by the scent of popcorn. Your eyes pick up the
gentle rustling of a bag of Maltesers and you
see walls adorned with titles old and new. The
Crying Game. Jacob's Ladder. The Colour Purple.
Pet Cemetery 2. Apollo 13, a VHS box set of the
TV miniseries event Stephen King's It and Amadeus,
to name but a few. On the wee TV set, hung high
and listing gently to the right, shines a bright
star of cinema, his wry smile and tight skin
sheltered beneath the shadow of what appears
to be a wicker Stetson. Mere years from his iconic
performance in Footloose, this Hollywood heartthrob
reinvents himself as a charming working -class
southern man on the worst day of his life. A
sand -caked, denim -clad, hick horror classic.
Suddenly, the wee fella behind the counter notices
that our agents have entered his domain. Oh,
Kevin Bacon. You scared the life out of me. Hi.
Hi. Are you Lenny? Yeah, yeah. How are you doing,
Lenny? We were just talking to Ciarán. Would
you like... Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. Are
you okay? Yeah, no, I was just deep in thought
there eating Maltesers. Do you want a Malteser?
Yes, please. For real, yeah. Thank you. Cool,
cool. Thank you. Thanks for the offer. What?
Thanks for the offer, but I'm good. You're good?
Clary Pussman, Milkman. Hey. How are you? Nice
to meet you. Patrick Lennon. It's good to meet
you. You're Lennon? Yeah, yeah, Patrick. Oh,
Lenny. Lenny Lennon. Yeah, no, it's good to meet
you guys. Who are you? We are looking to rent
a movie. Oh, you've come to the right place.
We're looking for a movie that would satisfy
a milkman, a printer repair person, a building
surveyor and an optometrist. Would you recommend
anything? Or like for four friends. Yeah, friends.
Hands in. Friends! Doolin! We'll get there, we'll
get there. I'll do it for Doolin instead. Yay!
Friends! Make that a film for five, potentially.
Sorry, you're on shift. No, it's totally cool.
I don't really get many customers in here. There's
a few people in the village who like movies,
but mostly it's just me. So you guys know Ciarán?
Well, we just met him. What a charming young
man. Does that mean you're a Lenehan from the
Lenehans across the way from the McAnally's?
That's my house, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, sorry,
my accent's different because we went on holiday
once to Dublin and it just stuck. That's a cool
story. Tell people that. I do. You guys met Cairn.
You came down here to rent a movie. I guess I
could recommend, oh, have you seen Lethal Weapon?
I haven't seen Lethal Weapon. I haven't seen
that. I have not. I have. Oh, okay. So also a
movie that the five of us haven't seen. Well,
that's impossible if he's making the recommendation.
Unless there's something that you really want
to see that's just come out. That's just come
out? Or you're not old enough to watch. I'm 17,
but... Sometimes I watch the 18s, you know. You're
a cool kid. What are they going to do about it,
you know? What are they going to do? Fire you?
Yeah. Oh, that would suck, man. I'm kind of scared
now about that. Maybe you guys should just rent
a movie appropriate for yourselves and that'll
be the end of this. Hey, give him a Werther's.
Oh, would you like a Werther's original? Really?
Yeah, sure, no problem. Here you go. Are you
lactose intolerant? Not yet, no. Enjoy. Oh, I
like spaghetti. At that moment, a wee old man
walks in with a little stack of EHSs and sets
them on the table in front of Lenny. Right, Lenny?
Oh, hey, old man. You did it again. Excellent
recommendations. Thanks, yeah. You enjoyed the
Lenny special? Did I? Who would have thought
scent of a woman, single white female, and Batman
Returns are perfect back to back? I told you,
man. I told you. And hey, I've got your new three
ready. Are you ready for it? Are you excited?
You bet I am. We've got Bram Stoker's Dracula.
We've got Last of the Mohicans. And Sister Act.
Sister Act for the capper. You've got to watch
it last. You could stick around here and watch
it together if you want. Oh, like last time?
Exactly. Great. I can pull open a bag of Doritos
and get us some Coca -Cola. Are your new friends
sticking around? I haven't even got their names
yet. I'm so sorry. Nice to meet you. My name's
Barry. I'm Maddie. Maddie? Okay, hello Maddie.
Nice to meet you. Barry. Barry. Dolan, lovely
to meet you. Dolan. Get in. Get in. Barry, is
it? I've always had you in the computer as just
old man. I did. I was going to ask. Yeah, I was
interested. You said old man. Why were you going
to ask? Because he referred to you as hello,
old man. Oh, you know, I don't even notice it
at this point anymore. It just seems so friendly.
We're old friends. Yes. I call you old friend.
You call me old man. So you guys. You want a
movie or? I want the trilogy. The last trilogy.
That trilogy that's just come back. Sounds amazing.
We'll take that trilogy. We also. The Batman
Returns one? Yes, please. Also, Kieran mentioned
something a bit strange, which is that you crazy
kids had a crazy night. And you remember this
spring to mind? You left him in his bed. White
lightning. Yeah, I got him home. Might have been
mentioned. Oh, yeah. And not the good kind, by
the way. Is there a different kind? There is
a different kind. Clary, Clary, Clary, get off
the counter. Don't you get there? I know we've
just met, but you should take a deep breath.
I'm going outside. An 18 -year -old, 17 -year
-old, sorry. I'm going outside. I'm going outside.
Take a sip of milk. Yeah, so that night was...
It was pretty crazy. It was a night of... It
was a new moon. And I've been reading through
this old book that my nan had gave me. She passed
away a couple of years ago. And she was into
all sorts, really. Is that Margaret? Yeah, yeah.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you. Thanks.
And she was into magic and stuff. And I couldn't
really read it, but I seen a picture of the new
moon on one of the pages. And I thought it'd
be cool if we just gave it a go. You couldn't
read it? No. Like Spanish? No, it's in ancient
Irish. Right, like Ogham? Yeah, I think that's
what it's called. But I couldn't really make
head or tail of it. We just thought we'd give
it a go. Our dads are always fighting and we
thought that maybe if we did something, some
magic that let us hang out. I kind of hate this
family feud, man. Even our mums are friends.
They do kickboxing and stuff together. We just
wanted to make our dads like each other. It's
not like anything happened anyway. We just got
blackout drunk on cans and then I went home and
watched the living daylights. You know, Danny,
it's not your responsibility to work out your
parents' flaws. Or your dad's flaws, rather.
Thanks, Gideon. No problem. It's weird about
the field, though. You know, my dad's been kicking
up a storm. I know he didn't screw with his own
crop. He wouldn't do that. But I also don't think
it was Decky. Maybe it was us. Maybe the magic
worked. I don't know. It was probably not that
loud. You don't think so? I don't think it's
your fault, no. Thanks. Oh, the pause was not
us thinking that it was your fault. Thank you,
Dylan. It's definitely not your fault. Yeah,
no. I was expecting someone to jump in there,
but it's obviously not your fault. Thanks, guys.
I have a copy of the... Wait, hold on. So you
guys sell... Milk, yes. And... But on this occasion,
we are renting... Well, we were going to rent
one movie, but now we're renting three movies.
As friends. Five friends. Hell yeah, hell yeah.
But you were asking a question. Well, I just
wanted to know, like, why are you interested
in what happened with the field? Thoughts rush
through their heads. Why are they interested?
Well, I had seen it in the newspaper and it had
said about the turnip butter. And I think that
was just kind of a choice phrasing. But I have
really been in the notion of certain types of
butter. I think some connection with Doolin's
obsession with Werther's at the moment. creamy
products and I thought maybe the local farm had
branched into turnip butter. We just had to see
it. Yeah, I just wanted some turnip butter. And
me personally, I was just talking to your friend
Ciarán and he seemed quite upset so I just thought
maybe we can feel better. Clary's in his own
train of thought completely sideways staring
at him that I'll get to in a moment. Aren't you
outside? He's four rows away staring deeply at
this boy. At this point, Matty had spun a wee
bit of a lie about butter. Let's see if it was
successful. His face softens. I guess that makes
sense, yeah. You know what? Dolan's getting a
bit annoyed at this. And starts pretending to
look at the movie. Listen, I, uh... I've got
a copy of the book. I don't know if maybe you
guys can read it. Yeah, we'll take a look at
that. When you say a copy, do you mean... I have
the book. Oh, the book. Cool. Good to know there
aren't copies. But yeah, we'll take a look. Yeah,
absolutely. I mean, if you don't want to let
go of the actual thing and you had a printer
on site, I mean, I'm sure we could... Whoa. Hey,
we're not that high -tech. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We just rent out VHS tapes amongst other things.
Sometimes people don't bring back... Might you
be looking for a printer? No, I don't think so.
It's... Sorry. I'm just thinking about... It's
fine. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have
said it. Could we rent out the book for three
days? I'll tell you what. If you guys do a favour
for me... Yeah, you can rent the book for three
days. What kind of favour do you need done, Lenny?
Sorry, all that talk about printers and technology.
Made me think about a SNES that we used to have
here in the shop, but a guy called Big Dylan
rented it about two years ago, and he refuses
to bring it back. Two years ago? Two years, man.
And you think about this every night? Constantly.
I've tried to get it back often, but he's super
wide. Super wide. Yeah, and, like, threatening,
you know. He's a big guy. In his 30s as well,
and, you know, I'm just a kid. He lives on Plath
Lane. His house is impossible to miss. It's the
only one in the entire street with a flag. Super
wide. Oh, right, okay. It's the only one in the
entire street with a big flag of Jack McKenna
outside it. He was the only Irish fella to compete
in the 1990 BDO World Darts Championships. He
got put out in the second round by a yank, but
Big Dylan already bought the flag, so I guess
he kept it up. If you guys sneak into his house
tonight... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's
a crime, Lenny. Hey, listen. You tried to bamboozle
me with a lot of exposition, but that's a crime.
We won't tell anyone. What do you mean we won't?
Are we? I'll do it. I won't tell anyone either.
Thanks, old man. Oh, sorry, I forgot you were
there, Barry. No, I've been here the whole time.
Thank you for calling me Barry as well. I think
you have a name and probably interiority. I certainly
have the first thing. Doolin, you seem a bit
square. Surely you would be against crime? I
suppose I'll just throw it out there. How much
do they cost? Are they expensive? Can we just
pool our money and buy one? Pool our money? If
you can find a SNES to buy in this town, I'd
be elated, but no. The nearest Toys R Us is like
30 miles, I think, from here. Yeah, it is a crime.
Are they expensive? At least I don't want to
risk committing a crime for a 20 -pound item.
No, no. I think they're worth hundreds or something.
Or something. When was the SNES released? A little
while ago. A little while ago. Okay, cool. Not
too long. At least two years, right? Cool. No,
I mean, I'm asking that. So he rented it out
on release date and never gave it back. He never
brought it back. I'm curious. Does he rent games?
No. No. He steals things. He's a bully. Anything
Big Dylan wants, he just... Can you not go to
the police? He steals, we steal back. I think
that's fair enough. I'm up for it. Matty gets
it. Yeah. Matty gets it. Listen, he plays darts
between 6pm and 12am today. Jesus. Yeah. How
do you... It's a small town, man. Right. Sorry,
I'm not doubting you. I'm just trying to get
the facts straight. You're willing to go... I
need a hobby. Okay, okay. I'm trying a lot of
things at the moment. I'm in a very experimental
point in my life. That's okay. I don't want to
give crime a go. Okay. You clearly don't. You
clearly don't. No, I've given Carmichael. It's
not worth it. Yeah, exactly. I'll do it. Okay.
It will be fun. Can I have another Malteser?
Hell yeah, partner. Dolan sees the taillights
of Clary's car burn off into the distance. He
nods, turns around and goes back inside. Ciarán
McAnally. He looked an awful lot like Francis
Lenehan. And a boy should know his father, and
a father should know his boy. So did Saoirse
McGonagall and Frances Lennon have an affair?
And does Deggie need to know who his son is or
isn't? So far, all he knows is that he and his
son are both lactose intolerant. So that's a
point in Deggie's favour. We fade up on our agents.
standing outside what looks like a relatively
normal terraced house. So it's a smack bang in
the middle of a row. There's like four houses
to one side, three to the other. There's a wee
yard out the front. There's a couple of people's
lights on and some of the neighbouring ones.
And aye, that's where they all are. Standing
outside this lad's house with a big old flag
of some old fella who played darts on it. He
can't be that wide. It's just a normal house.
Yeah, I think he was just describing... him as
a person in relation to himself. Yeah, but...
He's wider than Lenny. Yeah. But that's Lenny's
perspective. Hmm. He just seemed to say, I thought,
I took it as, this guy's really wide. I just,
if we get in there, I'm going to, even if we
get the SNES, if it's right there in the hallway,
I'm going to want to go upstairs. Oh, you're
coming in now? Okay. No, honestly, the more the
merrier. I'm not coming in. Would you not rather
be like a criminal than an accomplice? Because...
If this goes wrong, either way, we're going to
prison. I like this attitude. It's good. Sometimes
in life, you've got to commit, you know? Wait,
are we going to prison because of a SNES? No,
no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you what. How
about this? Look out. I'll do you one better
than that. Getaway driver. I mean, I'll drive
away anyway, but... No, you know what? Here's
what I'll suggest I'll do. I'll go to the pub
where he's playing darts, and when he's about
to leave, I'll distract him. Or you beat him
at darts. And then what? And then he gets annoyed
and gets on a huff and goes home. That's the
opposite of what we want. Yeah, you need to be
shit at darts. I can do that. And you'll be able
to identify this man because he's very wise.
Yes. Oh, he's not in the house, of course. Apologies.
Yes. And you know what? As a sign of trust, Gideon,
here are my car keys. Make me up from the pub
afterwards. Oh, this man is getting shit -faced
at darts. Yeah, it does feel like you just want
to go drinking. It feels like you're annoyed
that you only got to drink like 15 % of your
pint yesterday. No, I went back and finished
my pint. Oh. Yeah. How did you get on with the
Sudoku? Well, I solved it. Great. It was all
sevens? No. Oh. No, I wrote over the sevens.
Oh. I used a different color pen. Ah. It's that
kind of ingenuity. That has got you all the way
to the pub and us breaking into this man's house.
That's what I'm suggesting. Okay. So I'll just
buy you guys as much time as possible. Yeah.
All right. And you guys can steal. I'm still
not entirely sure. Is this like a type of VHS?
It's a game console. Oh. Yeah. Why would a grown
man have that? He's only just a grown man. Okay.
The only games I have are those color blindness
tests. I should have left some for. That woman.
Well, she knows she's called a bullet. That's
true. But something to while away the hours,
I suppose. They haven't got any turnips. Anyway,
shall we do this? You take the lead. All right,
and I'll be on my way. Do you need a lift? No,
no, you stay here. This is time sensitive. I'll
just walk there. All right. Just pick me up.
Okay. We cut to Clary sweating bullets in his
car, driving as fast as he can down a country
lane. Ah, CJ, it's just, you know, because, like,
what if one of them... See, here's what I'm thinking,
son, you know, because obviously I know what
it feels like to have that part of me missing,
you know? You, you're that part of me that's
missing. And if I can help give Derek a little
bit of comfort, and a comfort that he doesn't
even realize he needs, you know? That was a sad,
broken man. He needed five coffees just to be
okay, you know? He's lactose intolerant. He doesn't
have a lot in his life, son. So he doesn't know
why he's so sad. And I think it's because his
wife had an affair with his arch nemesis. And,
you know, CJ, it's just one of these things that
it makes you worried. You know, if I had a darkness
inside me that I didn't know I had, I'd hope
someone pointed it out. I'm going to look over
at Clary at the traffic light, just wondering
what is going on and why is this man wearing
so many layers? It's just, it's just, oh, how
long has that been green? Right, okay. I'm just
worried about him, you know, and maybe, maybe
I can fix this whole feud. Maybe I can, you know,
it's unlikely that this, that exposing an affair
would, you know, stop a feud. It might make things
worse, but. You know, a boy needs his father,
and a father needs his boy. We cut back to the
terrace house, where now only Maddy and Gideon
are standing outside. What are they going to
do? Well, I think it's worth just checking the
door. Locked. Clever bastard. They notice that
the door is locked. The back door, the back door,
scurry. Round the back of the house, there's
a wee alleyway that leads behind all of them.
There's a little fence, but, you know, it's not
too high. Give me a leg up. Boost me. Okay, but
once we do this, we are committing. Yeah, we
are committing. I mean, that's the entire point.
We're committing a crime. Even with the intent
of this. If you're okay with that, Gideon. I
thought I'd left this life behind, but... What?
I'll tell you later. No, tell me now. That guy's
going to be there for six hours. We have time.
Okay, step into my clasped hand and once we're
over the threshold, I'll tell you. Okay. Will
she make it? They flip over the wall like a pommel
horse and land gracefully on the other side.
Jesus Christ, you move just like a pommel horse.
Yeah, like the equipment and not the gymnast.
Yeah, that was insane. It takes a while to train
in that. Yeah. Have you trained in it? No, but
I had an ex who did a bit of parkour and they
taught me some stuff. At that moment, a window
in the neighboring house opens up. All right,
man. Are you breaking into Big Dylan's guy for
what? No, printer. Printer service. He said he
was going to be in, but he's not in. No, no,
he'd be down at the pub there playing darts tonight
with the Bengus not on. Yeah, well, I'll tell
you this. We organized for the printer service
to be now, so I turned up with my trainee. Hello.
My assistant. I don't know how they work, but
I'm excited to learn. Yeah. Tech. Technology,
man. He's a real keen bean and I'm excited to
get our hands on his very first printer to be
able to service it. There's nothing anything
wrong with it. We're just going to do a little
check because Big Dylan wanted a check of his
printer and he wasn't in. So we're just trying
to... I don't suppose you have a spare key for
the place? You're not those kind of neighbours?
I don't really get on with him. He's a bit of
a monster. A monster? Well, he stole a pair of
socks right off my line and just burnt them.
Jesus. Burnt them? Burnt them in front of me,
and he knew it was there at the window. Were
they clean? Well, they were clean, aye. They
were out in the line, yeah. Is he troubled? I
couldn't tell. He's in his 30s, and he hasn't
really changed his routine once in his entire
life. He's always been a bit of a shit. You knew
him when he was young? Well, I've lived here
for maybe 20 years, aye, and Dylan took over
this house maybe 15 years ago, so long enough
time, man, aye. Took over. Not bought. No, he
took it over after his parents ran away. They
ran away? They ran away from their own son? Yeah,
man. Like I said, he's quite a handling. He's
a monster. Tell us this. Was it because of the
gaming? Because I hear that Big Dylan's a big
gamer. What do you mean a gamer? He likes to
play games. He just plays games. Like with people's
minds? Oh, well, whatever your experience of
that has been. I mean, he likes darts. Well,
he does love darts. The game of darts. Video
games. I mean, I guess. Maybe he likes video
games. I mean, I don't really talk to him. You
don't know each other that intimately. That's
okay. Not a gate of mine. It's just hard to hear
what he's up to in that house with that fucking
dog, I'll be honest with you. Oh, there's a dog.
What kind of dog? Are we yappy fella? Fine. Are
we Yorkie or something like that, I think? He
keeps it in the kitchen when he's not here. Well,
you'll see it if you go through that back door
anyway. So just to check, you're not that big
a fan of Big Dylan? Not in the slightest, no.
Great. Okay, so you actually don't mind if we
are doing... Printer repair. Printer repairs.
Or maybe get distracted. get distracted from
doing printer repairs? I don't know. It's pretty
quick. So, like, we do have some time to kill
because we don't want to put it on our timesheets
that we want to hear for an hour. Exactly. It's
a bit of a call -out fee thing. Are you, like,
asking to hang out with me or what? Do you want
to come in? Oh, maybe. I have no interest in
going inside that man's house whatsoever, no.
But the wee dog there is... It's something I
would say if you're going in through the back,
you'll want to... Do you want to chill it out?
Because that Christ alive, man, that dog barks
something fierce. Do you have any ham? I have
no ham, but I know he likes a song. There was
some ham in... What? There was some ham in Dylan's
glove box. I'll just go get it. The dog, he might
like ham, but I know he loves a song. That's
the only thing Dylan can do to shut him up. Do
we? Are you saying, like, can we play something?
Do you mean radio? It has to be from the heart.
Right, okay. Come on, man. I see what you're
doing. I see what you're doing. You think we're
just... You're trying to make a tit of us. Two
tits of us. A pair of tits of us. No, listen,
you go in there, you find out for yourselves.
You're going through that back door where that
dog starts yapping. If you don't start singing
something from the heart... Do you want to sing
to a dog or shall I? As the two of them debate
on who's going to sing a wee song to a dog, we
cut to Dolan walking in through the doors of
a... One of those pubs that has, like, the benches
round the outside and, like, pretty much chipboard
tables. It looks like every pub in the 70s. There's
a crowd of fellas at the far side standing around
a dartboard. And the guy who's currently up is
an absolute slab of a man. He's about five foot
one, but he looks like a door without hinges.
He's massive. Just a big, wide, old piece of
granite. And he chucks a dart. And it embeds
so deep in the backboard that his mate has a
bit of a hard time pulling it out, but he does
get it out. Fucking bullseye. Dolan sort of orders
himself a pint and sort of looks at it and goes,
and just plucks himself down a table where he
can keep an eye on the darts and also look out
the window. And then he just starts, gets a wee
notebook from his pocket and just starts sketching
the layers of the forms and wondering about that
while... Keeping one eye on the darts. We cut
to Clary pulling up outside the McAnally farm
as he wraps the door. The bottom swings open
and he sees the legs of Decky McAnally. Who's
out there? Hey, Derek, is that you? No, this
is Decky of the Wrong House fella. Oh, well,
I guess I better be on my way. Well, hold on.
Are you that milk boy? Oh, my. I just had a further
few questions about your lactose intolerance.
Well... If you don't mind me asking you. I suppose
while we're here with part of the door open.
Aye. I don't mind conversing through the bottom
of the door. That's fine by me. I'd prefer that.
I've no top on. I prefer that too. So I'm wondering,
you said yourself you were lactose intolerant.
Yes, sir. And your son is lactose intolerant.
Always has been. Always will be. Now, this might
be a strange question, but is your wife lactose
intolerant as well? She has been for as long
as she's been married to me. Interesting. So
what you're saying is that genetically that lactose
intolerance could have come from your wife and
not yourself? Well, I suppose some sort of combination
of the two. Or just one of them. Maybe. Are you
asking me whether Ciarán has received his lactose
intolerance either from myself or from Saoirse?
Aye, but it could be either of you, so... How's
the turnips? They'll be good. They'll be ready
for tomorrow, we'll have them. Okay, is Saoirse
about anywhere? She's... Is your wife about?
I just want to see if she wants any of that...
Spite? Any of that... Spite milk? Well, you sold
us some earlier and I'll be... I'll be frank
with you. You promised us some earlier. Now,
you've not delivered yet. I have two on my belt
here. I have two bottles with... You've got two
bottles of milk slung on the side of your belt.
I always carry them. I'll tell you this here,
Milk Boy. That's absolute lunacy. It's the evening.
You've come to my door. You're asking where my
wife is and how my son gained his lactose intolerance.
I needed to know if she needed the spite milk
for her pies or whatever. We hear the click of
the hammer of a shotgun. All right, well, I'm
going to go bother Lenahan, so it's nice chatting
to you again. We cut back to Maddie and Gideon,
still chatting about who's going to sing whatever
song it is that calms down this dog. I'll just,
I'll just, top of the mind, first thing that
comes to mind, join in if you know the words.
I never know how to say that word at the end.
Shall we open the door now and shout at the dog?
I think it will overhear us. It might have lullabied
it to sleep. Okay. I mean, we can open the door
and check. It's locked. Great. We wave up at
your man, the neighbor, be like... Just give
it a right boot, man. That's what he normally
does. Big Dylan gives that back door a boot.
Oh, I thought you meant the dog. Okay. I mean,
he probably does. Right, okay, I'm going to try
and... I'm going to try and kick this door in.
You've got it, brother. Well, Gideon's might
be enough to kick down a door. Four. It is! Boom!
My foot goes straight through the glass. It goes
straight through the glass. Oh, Jesus Christ.
But your ankle hits the handle on the inside,
and it opens slightly, but your foot's still
stuck in the door. All right, I'm going to hop
while you open the door. No, it's okay. If I
pull you back, if I push you, is it a push door?
We hop together. I'll hold you so that we can
hop through, and then we can detangle you once
we're inside. Thank you. Can I tell you something?
Mm -hmm. Something is licking my toes. Oh, Jesus.
of my shoes are cheap. The door is ajar and there
is a tiny little Yorkie licking the toes of Gideon.
He snaps his head up and looks like he's going
to bark. It looks like he wants to hear the words.
The dog runs to his bed. You find yourself in
a small kitchen. You know, it's sort of what
you'd expect. There's some wheat and bread and
tins of soup sitting on the counter. No cupboards.
Well, there are cupboards. They're closed. So
you don't know what's in them. That's how they
work. That's how they work. There can be a SNES
in any of these. There's a wee fridge in the
corner. There's a caricature of himself that
looks like it's Bully the Bull from the game
show Bullseye hanging on the wall. It looks like
a man playing darts, but he's wearing the blue
jeans and the red and white stripy shirt. Should
we try some of these cupboards? Oh, sure. Yeah.
I don't think the games console will be in here.
Yeah, sorry. I got... I got led to believe that
that would be more relevant, but you're right,
we should probably try another room. Yeah. As
Gideon rummages through the cupboards, Maddy
talks some sense into him. I think the living
room will probably have the snares. We fade out
as they walk towards the living room. Is there
anything that Dolan's up to back in the pub,
or is he still looking at his drawings? Content
with his drawings, Dolan's sort of got a newspaper
and is just looking through classified for snares
or something. while occasionally cheering at
the darts whenever notable moment happens. He's
having a grand old time. He got himself a packet
of crisps too. We cut to Clary storming up the
driveway of the other farm. And he knocks on
the door. He knocks on the door. The top half
of the door swings open and he sees Fra's grumpy
old face. Uh, are you here to bring me more milk?
I'm not. Oh? I'm not here to bring you more milk.
You don't deserve milk. And what is that supposed
to mean? I know what you did. What? You saying
I did something to my own field? Is that what
this is? No, it is not. This is much worse than
what happened to your field. You took away the
greatest pleasure a man could ever have by having
a son, by extending his lineage, by getting to
throw a ball around. Well, he's still getting
to do that, but not with his son. What the hell
are you talking about? I've got a wee boy. I've
got a son. Aye, maybe you've got two. I don't
have got one. Maybe you've got... No, but maybe
you've got two, though. Nah, I've got one. No,
but maybe what I'm saying is that... I can't
stand to be in a room with that man. Exactly,
but you can stand to be in a room really going
to town on his wife. That's how much you hate
him. You wanted to get back at him for being...
your rival for all this time, isn't it? Admit
it. Admit what you've done. You slept with Saoirse
maybe more than once. We hear the clicking of
the hammer of a shotgun. I'm going to go bother,
I'm going to go bother the McAnally's. He runs
back down the lane towards the other farm. We'll
cut back to the living room of this place. So,
it's pretty modest. There's, you know, one of
them wee square tables in front of a fairly threadbare
sofa. There's a few loose pogs sitting on it.
There's a big black CRT TV in the corner. And
there's some VHS boxes lying next to a wee video
player. It looks like he's been watching the
first season of The Young Ones. As you scan your
eyes over it, let's see what you see. Like, it
looks like a well -lived -in room. It's a bit
of a mess. You do notice that his Walt is sitting
on the sofa. Like it's sort of tucked down the
side of one of the cushions. But that's the only
out of the ordinary thing you notice here. Any
notes in this? Yes. There's 60 quid. Taking that.
Maddy robs this man. So I think now this, what
is it? There's breaking and entering, but now
we're burglars. Well, we were going to be burglaring
anyway. That's true. That's true. In for a penny,
in for 60 pound. Nice. We cut back to Dolan in
the bar, his nose buried in a newspaper. Do his
eyes glance over the top of it or do they not?
Dolan's finger drops to the corner of the paper
and he notices the big old door of a man patting
his jeans. Oh, Dolan uses the opportunity to
go up to him and sort of say, great game, can
I buy you a drink? Thanks very much, fella. Can
I just say, absolutely fantastic. You could be
on Bullseye with skills like that. Yeah. You
think I should be on Bullseye? I think so. I
mean, if you're half as good on Bullseye as you
are tonight, you'll win. I haven't seen you around
before, yeah. You're new in town. Yeah, doing
a bit of travelling, so a bit bored, so thought
I'd try somewhere new. And you came to Sparge
Hall. Yeah. It's a pretty exciting place, I'm
not lying to you. I hear there's a fair tomorrow.
You're damn right there is. There's going to
be games and all sorts. Nice. You out for a couple
of pints tonight? Well, I'm starting with one,
seeing where tonight goes. What can I get you?
You're offering to buy me a drink? After that
performance, you deserve a prize. What's your
name, fella? Dolan. Give it here. It's good to
meet you. Whoa, very strong handshake there.
I like you a lot, Dolan. My name's Dylan. Dylan,
lovely. Pretty similar, right? Yeah, pretty close.
Listen, it's my round here. I just live a couple
of streets over. I need to just get my wallet.
My treat. You're going to get the whole round
in? Yeah, no problem. Guys, everybody. This new
guy said that he's going to get the round in.
A dozen men stand up. I'm your new best friend.
Fucking right. This here's Dolan. And he's under
my protection. If anyone raises a hand to this
man, I'll put a fucking dirt through their eye.
Do you understand me? You got it, Dylan. He can
do it. He can do it. And I'll tell you what,
he'll hit it from 20 feet away. Hell yeah, Dylan.
Let's get the pints in. Hey, want some crisps?
Fuck yeah. We cut to Clary standing in the little
road that leads between the two houses, looking
back and forth. What will he do? What is he going
to do? He is walking towards the hawthorn tree.
Where the little memorial is. Yeah. But is the
milk still there? Is the milk still there? He
notices a glass bottle that has unfortunately
been knocked on its side, spilling its white
gold all over the ground. Don't worry, Margaret.
Here's another. He sets another down. He also
sets a picture down. A picture of his son down.
It's like, Margaret, I don't know if you've seen
him, but if you have, look out for him. And I
don't want to be the bearer of bad news, you
know, concerning sons. But parent to parent,
I'm worried about your boy and what he's done.
And maybe your grandson as well. So Margaret,
if you're out there and you can give me a sign
of, and I hate to ask it, of your own son's infidelity.
You know, your grandson potentially deserves
to know that he is your grandson. So if you're
out there, Margaret, you know what? Here's the
second bottle of milk as well. Suddenly, a shotgun
blast rings through the air. Would you get off
my land? Is that the sign, Margaret? A man about
80 feet away from you is beginning to thunder
his way up in his pyjamas towards you. Oh, no.
He cocks the shotgun again and will cut away.
With that, we rejoin Gideon and Maddie as they
enter Big Dylan's bedroom up the stairs. It is
an absolute disaster. Do you feel like Doolin's...
becoming a bit more comfortable with us, a bit
more laid back. He gave me his car keys. I mean,
yeah, that's a good sign, but also that's responsible
because he did want to go to the pub and have
many pints. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's just
nice that we're all getting to know each other
and loosen up a bit, you know? Yeah, on that
topic of knowing each other, I feel like I'm
saying his name wrong. What do you call him?
I thought it was Dolan. No, I think it's Dolan.
Dolan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dolan. Yeah. D -O -O
-L -A -N. I know, because it sounds a bit like
my name. D -O -L -E -N. Gideon. There's an N
in there. Gideon Dolan. Yeah. Yeah, okay. They
step across the threshold into Dylan's bedroom,
and it is a disaster. It absolutely stinks in
here. Will their stomach be able to take it?
Will their might be able to suppress? The gag
reflex. 29 against 20. You feel like you are
going to be sick. There is an unspeakable aroma
in this room. It smells like 30 men have lived
here. Oh, God. Okay. 12. I throw up a little.
Yes, but you swallow it right down. I'm going
to quickly move through the stench towards the
bed. As you head towards the bed. You're, like,
wading through clothes on the ground. You feel
like you're stepping on old crisp packets. There's
a plate under there. You notice there's a glass
that's been smashed. And, like, you see there's,
you know, an old set of goalkeeping puma, goalkeeping
gloves. There's a stack of Bibles. It looks like
he's stolen, like, seven Bibles from different
hotels and stuff. A big stack of Panini football
stickers from Euro 92. There's a wee remote on
the ground. You just sort of... Kick that out
of the way. And I in the corner, you just see
an Omnibot. You know Omnibot? It's like one of
them wee robots. It's like a little butler bot.
Oh, look, it's an Omnibot. Maybe that Clary wasn't
so far off the mark after all. He's got a big
pile of empty cans next to him. So, yeah, like
there's just about two dozen old tins of Dutch
gold just sitting beside this wee robot. Matty,
I think Dylan's been drinking with Omnibot. We're
dealing with a sad, strangely childlike individual.
I don't know. Just stay. I'm going to hang back
here, but like. Let me rummage. Is the SNES anywhere?
Gideon rummages around, rooting about with his
feet in his hands, kicking stuff all over the
place. This is absolutely disgusting. The pillows
are like. I don't want to know. It's a corrugated
iron. They are solid. Although you do see poking
out from underneath the bed. Familiar to some,
but probably not to you, controller for one of
them newfangled video game consoles. Is this,
this looks snazzy? Is this snaz? Sure, yeah.
I understand if you don't feel comfortable like
being the one to... It's okay. To steal it. So
if you just want to bring it to the hallway,
then from here I can like... Oh my God. I can
lift it and I can be the crime committer. We're
going to steal it together. We're going to steal
it together. Partners in crime. That's okay.
I'm going to leave the room now. I'm going to
go to the bathroom. While Maddie runs to the
bathroom, we cut five minutes in the past back
to the pub. That was pretty cool of you buying
those drinks. Hey, buddy, let me ask you a personal
question. Of course. Do you think my width outsets
my height? I'll tell you what. Do you want me
to be honest or kind? I think if you're quiet
about it, I would take honesty. Okay. I mean,
I can measure you. I've got a measuring tape
with me. I think I'd like that. Eyes wide? You're
87 % wide as you are. That's good, right? It's
good for a darts player. Let me tell you something,
man. You have blown my mind tonight with how
friendly you've been. A stranger to this town.
I think it's important that I buy you a drink
now. That means a lot to me. That's very good
of you. Sit you down right there and don't you
move a muscle until I get back. New friend. Oh,
no. We cut back to a close -up of Clary's face
as he runs across a field, a shotgun -wielding
farmer chasing him. God, this really has me turned
like butter, this. This field is, there's no
turnips here, I swear to God. This wasn't robots.
This wasn't robots. Does he want to run away?
Does he want to hide? Oh, he's hiding. He's trying
to find if there's like a hole in the field or
anything. He's just got to duck down into this
field somewhere that has no vegetables. Well,
will he be sneaky enough? Let's find out. He
sneaks not bad. He has to hit blue 60. 26. He
leaps forward and slides through the mud, covering
his body like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator.
He rolls over and faces the sky and then closes
his eyes. He's gone. No one can see him. A shotgun
-wielding man goes, Where'd you go? Where'd you
go? You'll never find me! We cut back to Big
Dylan's house. You hear the turning of a key
in the door downstairs. I'm going to... All the
cupboards are open and you're retching. I'm going
to hide. I'm going to hide behind the front door.
Hide. What? Hide. Okay, I lock the bathroom door.
Maddie locks themselves in the bathroom as Gideon
slides down the banister and tries to hide behind
the front door. The door swings open and smacks
into his toe at the end of his way as he lands.
You let out a little yelp and you are faced with
a big old sheet of paper of a man. He's so wide,
but in landscape. What the fuck are you doing?
Your dog was in distress. Nothing would calm
it down and I had no choice but to come in here.
Search every cupboard for food. I was just about
to go out and buy some. I don't know what to
tell you, man. You can't leave your black and
tan Yorkie here if it's going to be stressed
out. I'm your new neighbour, by the way. I'm
moving in with your man. With Paul at the park?
Yeah, yeah. He speaks the world of you. Really?
Yeah. Gideon is spinning all sorts of lies. Let's
see how convincing he is. Get. Of my house. Big
Dylan drags Gideon back to the pub. Folks, we
have a thief in our midst. I just caught this
little guy rummaging around my house. This guy
doesn't take care of his dog, folks. Can you
believe it? I will have you know that Margaret
the dog is well taken care of. The dog's called
Margaret as well? What do you mean as well? The
horse is called Margaret. What fucking horse?
I'll tell you later. This guy is buying pints
for everybody. That's actually not bad. As retribution
goes, it's not bad. Dolan sees his new friend
being held up by the scruff of his neck. Have
you got any money? Have you got any money? I
left my wallet in your car. Do you know this
guy? Yeah, we ride together. We drive. We have
a co -driving... I'm shotgun. Doolan, explain.
I really didn't want to see you tonight. Can
you get this guy out of here? Can you... I just...
What the fuck? I just... I thought we had something.
Fucking hell. This guy's bothering you? Doolan.
My Doolan. You're bothering... My buddy. Okay,
look, be nice to him. I know his dad. You know
my dad? You didn't mention this. You know what?
I punched him in the nose. Ah! Ow! I punched
him just as I was like, I put up with so much
shit for you and now you're ruining this great
evening. I'll tell you what. Yeah. I'll tell
you what. Get the fuck out of here. You're drunk.
I'm hot as... Suck as many drinks as I should.
Punch him again. I punch him again. You hear
the crunch of bone. You may have broken this
young man's nose. Look. Can I use my medical
skill to reset my broken nose? Yes. Contrapunchal
satisfying click as my nose goes back. Tulan,
I thought we were supposed to be in the OSNA.
Don't say another word. Are you the leader of
this gang now? Shut up. Look, Dylan. Dylan, I'm
so sorry for ruining your evening here. I know.
The night is young. Look, can you not go to the
cops? I just punched him on. I'd rather, you
know. The cops? Look, I know who I'm talking
to. But, you know, you got it clear there. I'll
tell you what. Is everyone else around here cool?
Like, I know you're cool, but. Everyone's pretty
cool when I'm around. Your friend here. Cracking
his nose back into position like that. That was
pretty rad. I almost cried. But I see that you
didn't. That's true. I'm impressed by that. Now,
you say that you don't have your wallet. But
all I see is a room for the thirsty boys. So
you better go find some money and make us not
so thirsty. So you're letting me go? Like temporarily.
You have to go and get money and then come back
and buy drinks. Dylan, I'll tell you what. I'm
going to go with him because I need to have a
wee word with the lad. Because I swear to God,
if he disappoints his father one more time, I'm
never going to hear the end of it, all right?
I trust you, Dylan. Pour me a pint. You've got
it, blood brother. We cut back to Maddie crouched
down, hugging a snares on the floor of a bathroom.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I think Gideon's... Dead.
It's like he fucking died. I mean, I think the
coast is clear. I mean, in for a penny, in for
60 pound and a weird butler robot. I go back
and I take that as well as the stress. Daddy
grabs the Omnibot and slides down the banister
and runs out the front door. We cut back to the
four of you standing in extra vision. Snares
in hand, Clary covered in mud. Clary, Clary did
mud? Exactly. Again, Gideon, I am so sorry about
last night. What the fuck? Look at my nose. It
was mere moments ago. What just happened? You're
drunk. You are so drunk. You were surrounded
by empty glasses. Do you actually know my dad
or was that just some convincing ruse? I barely
know you. Wait, that was a lie? You keep saying
my name wrong. Your name's Dolan. Dolan. Hard
O. Yeah, it's Dolan. It's spelled with O. Hard
O, man. It's spelled with O. That's it. I doubted
myself. I wasn't sure. Never doubt yourself.
You know, Dolan is more unfamiliar to me than
Dolan, so I apologize. But you felt you needed
to punch me because of that? Look, one person
in that room was going to punch you. That's fair.
I think it's best it was me. Yeah. I really didn't
think I would break your nose. I'm sorry about
that. I have weak cartilage. It was pretty cool
that you reset it. Lenny, is there a bathroom
in here? Yeah, but it's just for customers. Didn't
we rent a bunch of films? It's fine. I was going
to destroy it anyway. I'm covered. Yeah, I was
going to ask. It's incredible that you got the
snooze back. Thanks, but... Oh, he didn't do
it. Yeah, why are you covered in mud? I was trying
to, like, prove the heritage of your cousin or
something, and just, it all went wrong. I was
trying to prove that, you know your good friend...
Kieran. Yeah, Kieran. Yeah, I was just trying
to... I got it in my head that you were maybe
his half -brother or something, you know, and
that's... then I got Clyde and Muck, but I escaped.
You know, it's neither here nor there. It might
be true, but I don't think it is. Wow. That's
a lot of information to take in. That's what
I thought, yeah. That's what I thought, but I've
had a heck of a day. Couldn't get anything out
of it. You know, they all wear just different
parts of the same outfit. It's strange, you know?
But, uh, Maddy, you got the snares. Yeah, I'm
60 quid and a little robot butler guy. Oh, holy
shit. I'm keeping him, but if you want 20 quid.
I mean, I also need 40 quid of that because I
had to buy a round of drinks. Okay, well, no
you don't because you chose to do that. I was
at a doubt I'd let the man go back for his wallet.
I don't think he's your half -brother anymore,
by the way. There were other ways to keep him
back. Name one. There were other ways. Dart him.
I don't... I don't know. I think you did it right.
You know, sometimes we've got to follow our instincts.
Even those instincts, again, I don't think my
instinct was right in this case. No, I mean,
I've had some thoughts about the whole farm situation,
but we can talk about that later. Okay. It's
pretty late, guys. I don't know if you have accommodation.
Wait, your grandmother's called Margaret, though?
She was. She's dead now, man. I don't know if
you have accommodation sorted or anything, but,
like, if you want to hang out with me and the
old man, we were going to watch some movies here.
We're just about to crack on to another one.
I really thought I was on to something. What
are you up to? We're just going to have a sleepover
here in Extra Vision. Yeah, we're halfway through
the one I was going to rent. So we've just watched
Bram Stoker's Dracula. It was, you know, it was
certainly something, but we're going to watch
Last of the Mohicans next. Oh my God. So if you
watch it here, you don't have to rent it. No,
he's still, he's still renting it. No, I'm still
paying. I'm actually paying slightly more because
I'm getting to stay over. Before you start that
film, would you mind? Hey, have 20 quid. Oh,
thanks. Before you start the film, would you
mind how about a short film where you describe
the events of what happened, you know? In the
field. Oh. How about a short film? Well, I mean,
I can tell you about, I think I did already tell
you about the field. I'm going to give you the
book. Oh, then do that. We've had a long day.
A short story. Listen, take a breath, get off
the counter. It's all right. Let's just watch.
It's been a tough day. Let's all get some rest.
I just have one more question. Yes, Dolan. What's
the robot? So you're on the robot turnips too?
No, no, the robot that Maddie's holding. Oh,
an Omnibot. He's part of the crew now. He's part
of the crew. He's a little guy. CJ had one of
them. Oh. We fade out on everyone else's shoulders
sinking. Join us again next time on The Bad Articles
for the exciting conclusion when our brave volunteers
head to the town fair. The Bad Articles is created
by J .R. McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It is recorded
and produced by Clark Phillips at Felburn Studios.
Starring Conleth McVeigh, Laura Conlon, Patrick
Meyer and Niall McKenna.