WEBVTT

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Last time on The Bad Articles, our new recruits

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visited not one, but two farms. What's up with

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that horse hole? And does milk attract animals?

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Stick around to find out what happens next, unless

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you're a coward. Since the dawn of time, Ireland

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has played host to unimaginable horrors, ushered

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in through an ever -weakening veil between our

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world and the other side. They live among us,

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shaping our mythology, sowing chaos. Scaring

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the shit out of people. Not all hope is lost.

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Underfunded, undergunned and underappreciated.

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The OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked

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otherworldly chaos. This secret network of brave

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volunteers put their lives and their sanity on

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the line. All for a better tomorrow. Have you

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ever had your in -laws over for dinner on a full

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moon and they turned into werewolves but they

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were actually pretty cool despite their insatiable

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lust for the hunt? All things considered absolutely

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perfect dinner guests but it made you worried

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that there must be other worse werewolves out

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there? You better call the OSNA before you find

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yourself in the bad articles. We fade up on our

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agents entering this warm hug of a building.

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You are met with a full -sized cardboard cutout

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of Harvey Keitel in Abel Ferreira's 1992 classic

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Bad Lieutenant. You know the cutout, you know

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what I mean. As you make your way deeper into

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the shop, feet bouncing comfortably off a British

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racing green carpet, your nostrils are perked

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by the scent of popcorn. Your eyes pick up the

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gentle rustling of a bag of Maltesers and you

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see walls adorned with titles old and new. The

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Crying Game. Jacob's Ladder. The Colour Purple.

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Pet Cemetery 2. Apollo 13, a VHS box set of the

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TV miniseries event Stephen King's It and Amadeus,

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to name but a few. On the wee TV set, hung high

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and listing gently to the right, shines a bright

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star of cinema, his wry smile and tight skin

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sheltered beneath the shadow of what appears

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to be a wicker Stetson. Mere years from his iconic

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performance in Footloose, this Hollywood heartthrob

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reinvents himself as a charming working -class

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southern man on the worst day of his life. A

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sand -caked, denim -clad, hick horror classic.

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Suddenly, the wee fella behind the counter notices

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that our agents have entered his domain. Oh,

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Kevin Bacon. You scared the life out of me. Hi.

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Hi. Are you Lenny? Yeah, yeah. How are you doing,

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Lenny? We were just talking to Ciarán. Would

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you like... Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. Are

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you okay? Yeah, no, I was just deep in thought

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there eating Maltesers. Do you want a Malteser?

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Yes, please. For real, yeah. Thank you. Cool,

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cool. Thank you. Thanks for the offer. What?

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Thanks for the offer, but I'm good. You're good?

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Clary Pussman, Milkman. Hey. How are you? Nice

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to meet you. Patrick Lennon. It's good to meet

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you. You're Lennon? Yeah, yeah, Patrick. Oh,

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Lenny. Lenny Lennon. Yeah, no, it's good to meet

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you guys. Who are you? We are looking to rent

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a movie. Oh, you've come to the right place.

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We're looking for a movie that would satisfy

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a milkman, a printer repair person, a building

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surveyor and an optometrist. Would you recommend

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anything? Or like for four friends. Yeah, friends.

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Hands in. Friends! Doolin! We'll get there, we'll

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get there. I'll do it for Doolin instead. Yay!

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Friends! Make that a film for five, potentially.

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Sorry, you're on shift. No, it's totally cool.

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I don't really get many customers in here. There's

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a few people in the village who like movies,

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but mostly it's just me. So you guys know Ciarán?

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Well, we just met him. What a charming young

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man. Does that mean you're a Lenehan from the

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Lenehans across the way from the McAnally's?

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That's my house, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, sorry,

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my accent's different because we went on holiday

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once to Dublin and it just stuck. That's a cool

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story. Tell people that. I do. You guys met Cairn.

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You came down here to rent a movie. I guess I

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could recommend, oh, have you seen Lethal Weapon?

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I haven't seen Lethal Weapon. I haven't seen

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that. I have not. I have. Oh, okay. So also a

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movie that the five of us haven't seen. Well,

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that's impossible if he's making the recommendation.

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Unless there's something that you really want

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to see that's just come out. That's just come

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out? Or you're not old enough to watch. I'm 17,

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but... Sometimes I watch the 18s, you know. You're

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a cool kid. What are they going to do about it,

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you know? What are they going to do? Fire you?

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Yeah. Oh, that would suck, man. I'm kind of scared

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now about that. Maybe you guys should just rent

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a movie appropriate for yourselves and that'll

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be the end of this. Hey, give him a Werther's.

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Oh, would you like a Werther's original? Really?

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Yeah, sure, no problem. Here you go. Are you

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lactose intolerant? Not yet, no. Enjoy. Oh, I

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like spaghetti. At that moment, a wee old man

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walks in with a little stack of EHSs and sets

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them on the table in front of Lenny. Right, Lenny?

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Oh, hey, old man. You did it again. Excellent

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recommendations. Thanks, yeah. You enjoyed the

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Lenny special? Did I? Who would have thought

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scent of a woman, single white female, and Batman

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Returns are perfect back to back? I told you,

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man. I told you. And hey, I've got your new three

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ready. Are you ready for it? Are you excited?

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You bet I am. We've got Bram Stoker's Dracula.

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We've got Last of the Mohicans. And Sister Act.

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Sister Act for the capper. You've got to watch

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it last. You could stick around here and watch

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it together if you want. Oh, like last time?

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Exactly. Great. I can pull open a bag of Doritos

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and get us some Coca -Cola. Are your new friends

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sticking around? I haven't even got their names

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yet. I'm so sorry. Nice to meet you. My name's

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Barry. I'm Maddie. Maddie? Okay, hello Maddie.

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Nice to meet you. Barry. Barry. Dolan, lovely

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to meet you. Dolan. Get in. Get in. Barry, is

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it? I've always had you in the computer as just

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old man. I did. I was going to ask. Yeah, I was

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interested. You said old man. Why were you going

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to ask? Because he referred to you as hello,

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old man. Oh, you know, I don't even notice it

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at this point anymore. It just seems so friendly.

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We're old friends. Yes. I call you old friend.

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You call me old man. So you guys. You want a

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movie or? I want the trilogy. The last trilogy.

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That trilogy that's just come back. Sounds amazing.

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We'll take that trilogy. We also. The Batman

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Returns one? Yes, please. Also, Kieran mentioned

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something a bit strange, which is that you crazy

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kids had a crazy night. And you remember this

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spring to mind? You left him in his bed. White

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lightning. Yeah, I got him home. Might have been

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mentioned. Oh, yeah. And not the good kind, by

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the way. Is there a different kind? There is

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a different kind. Clary, Clary, Clary, get off

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the counter. Don't you get there? I know we've

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just met, but you should take a deep breath.

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I'm going outside. An 18 -year -old, 17 -year

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-old, sorry. I'm going outside. I'm going outside.

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Take a sip of milk. Yeah, so that night was...

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It was pretty crazy. It was a night of... It

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was a new moon. And I've been reading through

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this old book that my nan had gave me. She passed

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away a couple of years ago. And she was into

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all sorts, really. Is that Margaret? Yeah, yeah.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you. Thanks.

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And she was into magic and stuff. And I couldn't

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really read it, but I seen a picture of the new

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moon on one of the pages. And I thought it'd

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be cool if we just gave it a go. You couldn't

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read it? No. Like Spanish? No, it's in ancient

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Irish. Right, like Ogham? Yeah, I think that's

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what it's called. But I couldn't really make

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head or tail of it. We just thought we'd give

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it a go. Our dads are always fighting and we

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thought that maybe if we did something, some

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magic that let us hang out. I kind of hate this

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family feud, man. Even our mums are friends.

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They do kickboxing and stuff together. We just

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wanted to make our dads like each other. It's

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not like anything happened anyway. We just got

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blackout drunk on cans and then I went home and

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watched the living daylights. You know, Danny,

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it's not your responsibility to work out your

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parents' flaws. Or your dad's flaws, rather.

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Thanks, Gideon. No problem. It's weird about

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the field, though. You know, my dad's been kicking

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up a storm. I know he didn't screw with his own

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crop. He wouldn't do that. But I also don't think

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it was Decky. Maybe it was us. Maybe the magic

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worked. I don't know. It was probably not that

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loud. You don't think so? I don't think it's

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your fault, no. Thanks. Oh, the pause was not

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us thinking that it was your fault. Thank you,

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Dylan. It's definitely not your fault. Yeah,

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no. I was expecting someone to jump in there,

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but it's obviously not your fault. Thanks, guys.

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I have a copy of the... Wait, hold on. So you

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guys sell... Milk, yes. And... But on this occasion,

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we are renting... Well, we were going to rent

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one movie, but now we're renting three movies.

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As friends. Five friends. Hell yeah, hell yeah.

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But you were asking a question. Well, I just

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wanted to know, like, why are you interested

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in what happened with the field? Thoughts rush

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through their heads. Why are they interested?

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Well, I had seen it in the newspaper and it had

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said about the turnip butter. And I think that

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was just kind of a choice phrasing. But I have

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really been in the notion of certain types of

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butter. I think some connection with Doolin's

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obsession with Werther's at the moment. creamy

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products and I thought maybe the local farm had

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branched into turnip butter. We just had to see

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it. Yeah, I just wanted some turnip butter. And

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me personally, I was just talking to your friend

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Ciarán and he seemed quite upset so I just thought

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maybe we can feel better. Clary's in his own

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train of thought completely sideways staring

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at him that I'll get to in a moment. Aren't you

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outside? He's four rows away staring deeply at

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this boy. At this point, Matty had spun a wee

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bit of a lie about butter. Let's see if it was

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successful. His face softens. I guess that makes

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sense, yeah. You know what? Dolan's getting a

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bit annoyed at this. And starts pretending to

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look at the movie. Listen, I, uh... I've got

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a copy of the book. I don't know if maybe you

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guys can read it. Yeah, we'll take a look at

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that. When you say a copy, do you mean... I have

00:11:38.629 --> 00:11:41.370
the book. Oh, the book. Cool. Good to know there

00:11:41.370 --> 00:11:44.309
aren't copies. But yeah, we'll take a look. Yeah,

00:11:44.309 --> 00:11:46.509
absolutely. I mean, if you don't want to let

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go of the actual thing and you had a printer

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on site, I mean, I'm sure we could... Whoa. Hey,

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we're not that high -tech. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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We just rent out VHS tapes amongst other things.

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Sometimes people don't bring back... Might you

00:11:59.889 --> 00:12:03.769
be looking for a printer? No, I don't think so.

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It's... Sorry. I'm just thinking about... It's

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fine. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have

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said it. Could we rent out the book for three

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days? I'll tell you what. If you guys do a favour

00:12:14.370 --> 00:12:18.110
for me... Yeah, you can rent the book for three

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days. What kind of favour do you need done, Lenny?

00:12:21.529 --> 00:12:24.190
Sorry, all that talk about printers and technology.

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Made me think about a SNES that we used to have

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here in the shop, but a guy called Big Dylan

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rented it about two years ago, and he refuses

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to bring it back. Two years ago? Two years, man.

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And you think about this every night? Constantly.

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I've tried to get it back often, but he's super

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wide. Super wide. Yeah, and, like, threatening,

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you know. He's a big guy. In his 30s as well,

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and, you know, I'm just a kid. He lives on Plath

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Lane. His house is impossible to miss. It's the

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only one in the entire street with a flag. Super

00:12:56.830 --> 00:12:59.269
wide. Oh, right, okay. It's the only one in the

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entire street with a big flag of Jack McKenna

00:13:01.330 --> 00:13:03.769
outside it. He was the only Irish fella to compete

00:13:03.769 --> 00:13:07.330
in the 1990 BDO World Darts Championships. He

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got put out in the second round by a yank, but

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Big Dylan already bought the flag, so I guess

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he kept it up. If you guys sneak into his house

00:13:14.789 --> 00:13:16.850
tonight... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's

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a crime, Lenny. Hey, listen. You tried to bamboozle

00:13:20.230 --> 00:13:22.710
me with a lot of exposition, but that's a crime.

00:13:23.049 --> 00:13:25.720
We won't tell anyone. What do you mean we won't?

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Are we? I'll do it. I won't tell anyone either.

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Thanks, old man. Oh, sorry, I forgot you were

00:13:31.059 --> 00:13:32.919
there, Barry. No, I've been here the whole time.

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Thank you for calling me Barry as well. I think

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you have a name and probably interiority. I certainly

00:13:39.860 --> 00:13:42.899
have the first thing. Doolin, you seem a bit

00:13:42.899 --> 00:13:46.159
square. Surely you would be against crime? I

00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:47.580
suppose I'll just throw it out there. How much

00:13:47.580 --> 00:13:49.120
do they cost? Are they expensive? Can we just

00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:52.080
pool our money and buy one? Pool our money? If

00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:55.879
you can find a SNES to buy in this town, I'd

00:13:55.879 --> 00:14:00.600
be elated, but no. The nearest Toys R Us is like

00:14:00.600 --> 00:14:04.240
30 miles, I think, from here. Yeah, it is a crime.

00:14:04.500 --> 00:14:06.779
Are they expensive? At least I don't want to

00:14:06.779 --> 00:14:10.100
risk committing a crime for a 20 -pound item.

00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:14.039
No, no. I think they're worth hundreds or something.

00:14:14.340 --> 00:14:18.990
Or something. When was the SNES released? A little

00:14:18.990 --> 00:14:21.529
while ago. A little while ago. Okay, cool. Not

00:14:21.529 --> 00:14:24.769
too long. At least two years, right? Cool. No,

00:14:24.809 --> 00:14:26.429
I mean, I'm asking that. So he rented it out

00:14:26.429 --> 00:14:28.389
on release date and never gave it back. He never

00:14:28.389 --> 00:14:31.129
brought it back. I'm curious. Does he rent games?

00:14:31.789 --> 00:14:35.429
No. No. He steals things. He's a bully. Anything

00:14:35.429 --> 00:14:37.509
Big Dylan wants, he just... Can you not go to

00:14:37.509 --> 00:14:40.710
the police? He steals, we steal back. I think

00:14:40.710 --> 00:14:43.950
that's fair enough. I'm up for it. Matty gets

00:14:43.950 --> 00:14:47.539
it. Yeah. Matty gets it. Listen, he plays darts

00:14:47.539 --> 00:14:53.120
between 6pm and 12am today. Jesus. Yeah. How

00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:57.080
do you... It's a small town, man. Right. Sorry,

00:14:57.139 --> 00:14:59.259
I'm not doubting you. I'm just trying to get

00:14:59.259 --> 00:15:02.539
the facts straight. You're willing to go... I

00:15:02.539 --> 00:15:05.100
need a hobby. Okay, okay. I'm trying a lot of

00:15:05.100 --> 00:15:07.360
things at the moment. I'm in a very experimental

00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:09.279
point in my life. That's okay. I don't want to

00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:12.639
give crime a go. Okay. You clearly don't. You

00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:15.200
clearly don't. No, I've given Carmichael. It's

00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:18.259
not worth it. Yeah, exactly. I'll do it. Okay.

00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:21.779
It will be fun. Can I have another Malteser?

00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:27.000
Hell yeah, partner. Dolan sees the taillights

00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:30.399
of Clary's car burn off into the distance. He

00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:34.620
nods, turns around and goes back inside. Ciarán

00:15:34.620 --> 00:15:38.720
McAnally. He looked an awful lot like Francis

00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:41.470
Lenehan. And a boy should know his father, and

00:15:41.470 --> 00:15:45.649
a father should know his boy. So did Saoirse

00:15:45.649 --> 00:15:48.149
McGonagall and Frances Lennon have an affair?

00:15:48.330 --> 00:15:52.029
And does Deggie need to know who his son is or

00:15:52.029 --> 00:15:55.649
isn't? So far, all he knows is that he and his

00:15:55.649 --> 00:15:58.750
son are both lactose intolerant. So that's a

00:15:58.750 --> 00:16:04.149
point in Deggie's favour. We fade up on our agents.

00:16:04.669 --> 00:16:06.629
standing outside what looks like a relatively

00:16:06.629 --> 00:16:09.629
normal terraced house. So it's a smack bang in

00:16:09.629 --> 00:16:11.429
the middle of a row. There's like four houses

00:16:11.429 --> 00:16:13.970
to one side, three to the other. There's a wee

00:16:13.970 --> 00:16:16.610
yard out the front. There's a couple of people's

00:16:16.610 --> 00:16:18.049
lights on and some of the neighbouring ones.

00:16:18.889 --> 00:16:21.649
And aye, that's where they all are. Standing

00:16:21.649 --> 00:16:23.870
outside this lad's house with a big old flag

00:16:23.870 --> 00:16:27.470
of some old fella who played darts on it. He

00:16:27.470 --> 00:16:29.129
can't be that wide. It's just a normal house.

00:16:30.789 --> 00:16:34.289
Yeah, I think he was just describing... him as

00:16:34.289 --> 00:16:38.309
a person in relation to himself. Yeah, but...

00:16:38.309 --> 00:16:41.049
He's wider than Lenny. Yeah. But that's Lenny's

00:16:41.049 --> 00:16:44.710
perspective. Hmm. He just seemed to say, I thought,

00:16:44.789 --> 00:16:48.250
I took it as, this guy's really wide. I just,

00:16:48.330 --> 00:16:50.210
if we get in there, I'm going to, even if we

00:16:50.210 --> 00:16:51.529
get the SNES, if it's right there in the hallway,

00:16:51.690 --> 00:16:52.789
I'm going to want to go upstairs. Oh, you're

00:16:52.789 --> 00:16:55.929
coming in now? Okay. No, honestly, the more the

00:16:55.929 --> 00:16:58.769
merrier. I'm not coming in. Would you not rather

00:16:58.769 --> 00:17:02.490
be like a criminal than an accomplice? Because...

00:17:02.649 --> 00:17:04.089
If this goes wrong, either way, we're going to

00:17:04.089 --> 00:17:07.029
prison. I like this attitude. It's good. Sometimes

00:17:07.029 --> 00:17:10.069
in life, you've got to commit, you know? Wait,

00:17:10.109 --> 00:17:12.089
are we going to prison because of a SNES? No,

00:17:12.089 --> 00:17:14.890
no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you what. How

00:17:14.890 --> 00:17:18.369
about this? Look out. I'll do you one better

00:17:18.369 --> 00:17:22.049
than that. Getaway driver. I mean, I'll drive

00:17:22.049 --> 00:17:27.029
away anyway, but... No, you know what? Here's

00:17:27.029 --> 00:17:29.269
what I'll suggest I'll do. I'll go to the pub

00:17:29.269 --> 00:17:30.690
where he's playing darts, and when he's about

00:17:30.690 --> 00:17:33.089
to leave, I'll distract him. Or you beat him

00:17:33.089 --> 00:17:37.069
at darts. And then what? And then he gets annoyed

00:17:37.069 --> 00:17:39.089
and gets on a huff and goes home. That's the

00:17:39.089 --> 00:17:40.950
opposite of what we want. Yeah, you need to be

00:17:40.950 --> 00:17:43.910
shit at darts. I can do that. And you'll be able

00:17:43.910 --> 00:17:45.829
to identify this man because he's very wise.

00:17:46.210 --> 00:17:49.650
Yes. Oh, he's not in the house, of course. Apologies.

00:17:50.130 --> 00:17:55.230
Yes. And you know what? As a sign of trust, Gideon,

00:17:55.289 --> 00:17:57.950
here are my car keys. Make me up from the pub

00:17:57.950 --> 00:18:02.119
afterwards. Oh, this man is getting shit -faced

00:18:02.119 --> 00:18:04.519
at darts. Yeah, it does feel like you just want

00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:06.259
to go drinking. It feels like you're annoyed

00:18:06.259 --> 00:18:08.019
that you only got to drink like 15 % of your

00:18:08.019 --> 00:18:10.940
pint yesterday. No, I went back and finished

00:18:10.940 --> 00:18:14.819
my pint. Oh. Yeah. How did you get on with the

00:18:14.819 --> 00:18:19.480
Sudoku? Well, I solved it. Great. It was all

00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:23.299
sevens? No. Oh. No, I wrote over the sevens.

00:18:23.299 --> 00:18:27.720
Oh. I used a different color pen. Ah. It's that

00:18:27.720 --> 00:18:30.569
kind of ingenuity. That has got you all the way

00:18:30.569 --> 00:18:32.430
to the pub and us breaking into this man's house.

00:18:32.869 --> 00:18:35.990
That's what I'm suggesting. Okay. So I'll just

00:18:35.990 --> 00:18:38.569
buy you guys as much time as possible. Yeah.

00:18:39.150 --> 00:18:43.430
All right. And you guys can steal. I'm still

00:18:43.430 --> 00:18:45.049
not entirely sure. Is this like a type of VHS?

00:18:46.430 --> 00:18:50.390
It's a game console. Oh. Yeah. Why would a grown

00:18:50.390 --> 00:18:53.509
man have that? He's only just a grown man. Okay.

00:18:53.750 --> 00:18:55.910
The only games I have are those color blindness

00:18:55.910 --> 00:18:59.430
tests. I should have left some for. That woman.

00:19:00.029 --> 00:19:01.710
Well, she knows she's called a bullet. That's

00:19:01.710 --> 00:19:03.529
true. But something to while away the hours,

00:19:03.589 --> 00:19:06.390
I suppose. They haven't got any turnips. Anyway,

00:19:06.549 --> 00:19:10.089
shall we do this? You take the lead. All right,

00:19:10.089 --> 00:19:15.309
and I'll be on my way. Do you need a lift? No,

00:19:15.789 --> 00:19:18.210
no, you stay here. This is time sensitive. I'll

00:19:18.210 --> 00:19:19.769
just walk there. All right. Just pick me up.

00:19:20.109 --> 00:19:24.349
Okay. We cut to Clary sweating bullets in his

00:19:24.349 --> 00:19:27.009
car, driving as fast as he can down a country

00:19:27.009 --> 00:19:30.339
lane. Ah, CJ, it's just, you know, because, like,

00:19:30.380 --> 00:19:32.799
what if one of them... See, here's what I'm thinking,

00:19:32.960 --> 00:19:36.299
son, you know, because obviously I know what

00:19:36.299 --> 00:19:38.460
it feels like to have that part of me missing,

00:19:38.599 --> 00:19:40.720
you know? You, you're that part of me that's

00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:44.740
missing. And if I can help give Derek a little

00:19:44.740 --> 00:19:47.799
bit of comfort, and a comfort that he doesn't

00:19:47.799 --> 00:19:50.279
even realize he needs, you know? That was a sad,

00:19:50.339 --> 00:19:52.660
broken man. He needed five coffees just to be

00:19:52.660 --> 00:19:55.920
okay, you know? He's lactose intolerant. He doesn't

00:19:55.920 --> 00:19:58.579
have a lot in his life, son. So he doesn't know

00:19:58.579 --> 00:20:01.339
why he's so sad. And I think it's because his

00:20:01.339 --> 00:20:06.680
wife had an affair with his arch nemesis. And,

00:20:06.779 --> 00:20:09.799
you know, CJ, it's just one of these things that

00:20:09.799 --> 00:20:13.559
it makes you worried. You know, if I had a darkness

00:20:13.559 --> 00:20:16.039
inside me that I didn't know I had, I'd hope

00:20:16.039 --> 00:20:18.380
someone pointed it out. I'm going to look over

00:20:18.380 --> 00:20:20.740
at Clary at the traffic light, just wondering

00:20:20.740 --> 00:20:23.579
what is going on and why is this man wearing

00:20:23.579 --> 00:20:27.339
so many layers? It's just, it's just, oh, how

00:20:27.339 --> 00:20:31.200
long has that been green? Right, okay. I'm just

00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:35.000
worried about him, you know, and maybe, maybe

00:20:35.000 --> 00:20:38.740
I can fix this whole feud. Maybe I can, you know,

00:20:38.740 --> 00:20:42.339
it's unlikely that this, that exposing an affair

00:20:42.339 --> 00:20:45.960
would, you know, stop a feud. It might make things

00:20:45.960 --> 00:20:49.230
worse, but. You know, a boy needs his father,

00:20:49.349 --> 00:20:53.710
and a father needs his boy. We cut back to the

00:20:53.710 --> 00:20:56.650
terrace house, where now only Maddy and Gideon

00:20:56.650 --> 00:20:58.470
are standing outside. What are they going to

00:20:58.470 --> 00:21:03.029
do? Well, I think it's worth just checking the

00:21:03.029 --> 00:21:09.369
door. Locked. Clever bastard. They notice that

00:21:09.369 --> 00:21:11.609
the door is locked. The back door, the back door,

00:21:11.670 --> 00:21:16.000
scurry. Round the back of the house, there's

00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:18.859
a wee alleyway that leads behind all of them.

00:21:19.140 --> 00:21:21.980
There's a little fence, but, you know, it's not

00:21:21.980 --> 00:21:27.519
too high. Give me a leg up. Boost me. Okay, but

00:21:27.519 --> 00:21:31.220
once we do this, we are committing. Yeah, we

00:21:31.220 --> 00:21:33.380
are committing. I mean, that's the entire point.

00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:37.460
We're committing a crime. Even with the intent

00:21:37.460 --> 00:21:41.660
of this. If you're okay with that, Gideon. I

00:21:41.660 --> 00:21:44.779
thought I'd left this life behind, but... What?

00:21:44.779 --> 00:21:48.000
I'll tell you later. No, tell me now. That guy's

00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:49.980
going to be there for six hours. We have time.

00:21:50.220 --> 00:21:52.519
Okay, step into my clasped hand and once we're

00:21:52.519 --> 00:21:56.539
over the threshold, I'll tell you. Okay. Will

00:21:56.539 --> 00:22:00.490
she make it? They flip over the wall like a pommel

00:22:00.490 --> 00:22:02.450
horse and land gracefully on the other side.

00:22:02.569 --> 00:22:04.730
Jesus Christ, you move just like a pommel horse.

00:22:05.029 --> 00:22:07.569
Yeah, like the equipment and not the gymnast.

00:22:07.569 --> 00:22:09.569
Yeah, that was insane. It takes a while to train

00:22:09.569 --> 00:22:12.410
in that. Yeah. Have you trained in it? No, but

00:22:12.410 --> 00:22:14.410
I had an ex who did a bit of parkour and they

00:22:14.410 --> 00:22:16.630
taught me some stuff. At that moment, a window

00:22:16.630 --> 00:22:20.009
in the neighboring house opens up. All right,

00:22:20.009 --> 00:22:23.569
man. Are you breaking into Big Dylan's guy for

00:22:23.569 --> 00:22:29.480
what? No, printer. Printer service. He said he

00:22:29.480 --> 00:22:32.000
was going to be in, but he's not in. No, no,

00:22:32.059 --> 00:22:35.099
he'd be down at the pub there playing darts tonight

00:22:35.099 --> 00:22:38.200
with the Bengus not on. Yeah, well, I'll tell

00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:42.660
you this. We organized for the printer service

00:22:42.660 --> 00:22:47.539
to be now, so I turned up with my trainee. Hello.

00:22:47.720 --> 00:22:49.839
My assistant. I don't know how they work, but

00:22:49.839 --> 00:22:53.299
I'm excited to learn. Yeah. Tech. Technology,

00:22:53.539 --> 00:22:56.960
man. He's a real keen bean and I'm excited to

00:22:56.960 --> 00:22:59.720
get our hands on his very first printer to be

00:22:59.720 --> 00:23:01.339
able to service it. There's nothing anything

00:23:01.339 --> 00:23:03.019
wrong with it. We're just going to do a little

00:23:03.019 --> 00:23:05.359
check because Big Dylan wanted a check of his

00:23:05.359 --> 00:23:08.059
printer and he wasn't in. So we're just trying

00:23:08.059 --> 00:23:10.160
to... I don't suppose you have a spare key for

00:23:10.160 --> 00:23:12.519
the place? You're not those kind of neighbours?

00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:14.359
I don't really get on with him. He's a bit of

00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:19.640
a monster. A monster? Well, he stole a pair of

00:23:19.640 --> 00:23:21.539
socks right off my line and just burnt them.

00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:24.680
Jesus. Burnt them? Burnt them in front of me,

00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:26.259
and he knew it was there at the window. Were

00:23:26.259 --> 00:23:28.220
they clean? Well, they were clean, aye. They

00:23:28.220 --> 00:23:31.480
were out in the line, yeah. Is he troubled? I

00:23:31.480 --> 00:23:34.720
couldn't tell. He's in his 30s, and he hasn't

00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:36.740
really changed his routine once in his entire

00:23:36.740 --> 00:23:38.819
life. He's always been a bit of a shit. You knew

00:23:38.819 --> 00:23:41.220
him when he was young? Well, I've lived here

00:23:41.220 --> 00:23:44.819
for maybe 20 years, aye, and Dylan took over

00:23:44.819 --> 00:23:48.880
this house maybe 15 years ago, so long enough

00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:52.430
time, man, aye. Took over. Not bought. No, he

00:23:52.430 --> 00:23:55.109
took it over after his parents ran away. They

00:23:55.109 --> 00:24:00.049
ran away? They ran away from their own son? Yeah,

00:24:00.049 --> 00:24:03.509
man. Like I said, he's quite a handling. He's

00:24:03.509 --> 00:24:05.450
a monster. Tell us this. Was it because of the

00:24:05.450 --> 00:24:08.089
gaming? Because I hear that Big Dylan's a big

00:24:08.089 --> 00:24:11.769
gamer. What do you mean a gamer? He likes to

00:24:11.769 --> 00:24:13.750
play games. He just plays games. Like with people's

00:24:13.750 --> 00:24:16.809
minds? Oh, well, whatever your experience of

00:24:16.809 --> 00:24:19.210
that has been. I mean, he likes darts. Well,

00:24:19.589 --> 00:24:22.190
he does love darts. The game of darts. Video

00:24:22.190 --> 00:24:26.089
games. I mean, I guess. Maybe he likes video

00:24:26.089 --> 00:24:28.049
games. I mean, I don't really talk to him. You

00:24:28.049 --> 00:24:29.269
don't know each other that intimately. That's

00:24:29.269 --> 00:24:32.369
okay. Not a gate of mine. It's just hard to hear

00:24:32.369 --> 00:24:34.029
what he's up to in that house with that fucking

00:24:34.029 --> 00:24:36.269
dog, I'll be honest with you. Oh, there's a dog.

00:24:36.630 --> 00:24:40.450
What kind of dog? Are we yappy fella? Fine. Are

00:24:40.450 --> 00:24:42.470
we Yorkie or something like that, I think? He

00:24:42.470 --> 00:24:44.890
keeps it in the kitchen when he's not here. Well,

00:24:45.430 --> 00:24:47.210
you'll see it if you go through that back door

00:24:47.210 --> 00:24:49.849
anyway. So just to check, you're not that big

00:24:49.849 --> 00:24:52.150
a fan of Big Dylan? Not in the slightest, no.

00:24:52.430 --> 00:24:54.670
Great. Okay, so you actually don't mind if we

00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:58.589
are doing... Printer repair. Printer repairs.

00:24:58.809 --> 00:25:02.880
Or maybe get distracted. get distracted from

00:25:02.880 --> 00:25:04.720
doing printer repairs? I don't know. It's pretty

00:25:04.720 --> 00:25:06.819
quick. So, like, we do have some time to kill

00:25:06.819 --> 00:25:08.740
because we don't want to put it on our timesheets

00:25:08.740 --> 00:25:10.319
that we want to hear for an hour. Exactly. It's

00:25:10.319 --> 00:25:11.980
a bit of a call -out fee thing. Are you, like,

00:25:12.039 --> 00:25:14.759
asking to hang out with me or what? Do you want

00:25:14.759 --> 00:25:17.019
to come in? Oh, maybe. I have no interest in

00:25:17.019 --> 00:25:19.200
going inside that man's house whatsoever, no.

00:25:19.980 --> 00:25:23.980
But the wee dog there is... It's something I

00:25:23.980 --> 00:25:26.160
would say if you're going in through the back,

00:25:26.200 --> 00:25:28.670
you'll want to... Do you want to chill it out?

00:25:28.789 --> 00:25:31.589
Because that Christ alive, man, that dog barks

00:25:31.589 --> 00:25:33.809
something fierce. Do you have any ham? I have

00:25:33.809 --> 00:25:36.029
no ham, but I know he likes a song. There was

00:25:36.029 --> 00:25:40.109
some ham in... What? There was some ham in Dylan's

00:25:40.109 --> 00:25:42.789
glove box. I'll just go get it. The dog, he might

00:25:42.789 --> 00:25:46.009
like ham, but I know he loves a song. That's

00:25:46.009 --> 00:25:48.890
the only thing Dylan can do to shut him up. Do

00:25:48.890 --> 00:25:51.849
we? Are you saying, like, can we play something?

00:25:51.970 --> 00:25:54.910
Do you mean radio? It has to be from the heart.

00:25:55.529 --> 00:25:57.670
Right, okay. Come on, man. I see what you're

00:25:57.670 --> 00:25:59.269
doing. I see what you're doing. You think we're

00:25:59.269 --> 00:26:01.089
just... You're trying to make a tit of us. Two

00:26:01.089 --> 00:26:03.230
tits of us. A pair of tits of us. No, listen,

00:26:03.329 --> 00:26:05.069
you go in there, you find out for yourselves.

00:26:05.250 --> 00:26:07.369
You're going through that back door where that

00:26:07.369 --> 00:26:09.190
dog starts yapping. If you don't start singing

00:26:09.190 --> 00:26:11.650
something from the heart... Do you want to sing

00:26:11.650 --> 00:26:13.990
to a dog or shall I? As the two of them debate

00:26:13.990 --> 00:26:17.450
on who's going to sing a wee song to a dog, we

00:26:17.450 --> 00:26:21.250
cut to Dolan walking in through the doors of

00:26:21.250 --> 00:26:23.990
a... One of those pubs that has, like, the benches

00:26:23.990 --> 00:26:27.349
round the outside and, like, pretty much chipboard

00:26:27.349 --> 00:26:31.650
tables. It looks like every pub in the 70s. There's

00:26:31.650 --> 00:26:34.130
a crowd of fellas at the far side standing around

00:26:34.130 --> 00:26:37.230
a dartboard. And the guy who's currently up is

00:26:37.230 --> 00:26:40.990
an absolute slab of a man. He's about five foot

00:26:40.990 --> 00:26:43.529
one, but he looks like a door without hinges.

00:26:43.670 --> 00:26:47.670
He's massive. Just a big, wide, old piece of

00:26:47.670 --> 00:26:53.240
granite. And he chucks a dart. And it embeds

00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:56.519
so deep in the backboard that his mate has a

00:26:56.519 --> 00:26:58.299
bit of a hard time pulling it out, but he does

00:26:58.299 --> 00:27:03.039
get it out. Fucking bullseye. Dolan sort of orders

00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:04.960
himself a pint and sort of looks at it and goes,

00:27:05.079 --> 00:27:08.180
and just plucks himself down a table where he

00:27:08.180 --> 00:27:10.640
can keep an eye on the darts and also look out

00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:14.480
the window. And then he just starts, gets a wee

00:27:14.480 --> 00:27:16.400
notebook from his pocket and just starts sketching

00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:19.440
the layers of the forms and wondering about that

00:27:19.440 --> 00:27:23.400
while... Keeping one eye on the darts. We cut

00:27:23.400 --> 00:27:27.299
to Clary pulling up outside the McAnally farm

00:27:27.299 --> 00:27:31.579
as he wraps the door. The bottom swings open

00:27:31.579 --> 00:27:35.519
and he sees the legs of Decky McAnally. Who's

00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:39.859
out there? Hey, Derek, is that you? No, this

00:27:39.859 --> 00:27:42.259
is Decky of the Wrong House fella. Oh, well,

00:27:42.359 --> 00:27:45.079
I guess I better be on my way. Well, hold on.

00:27:45.640 --> 00:27:51.680
Are you that milk boy? Oh, my. I just had a further

00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:54.160
few questions about your lactose intolerance.

00:27:54.579 --> 00:27:57.299
Well... If you don't mind me asking you. I suppose

00:27:57.299 --> 00:27:59.420
while we're here with part of the door open.

00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:03.339
Aye. I don't mind conversing through the bottom

00:28:03.339 --> 00:28:05.279
of the door. That's fine by me. I'd prefer that.

00:28:05.299 --> 00:28:08.960
I've no top on. I prefer that too. So I'm wondering,

00:28:09.059 --> 00:28:11.319
you said yourself you were lactose intolerant.

00:28:11.339 --> 00:28:13.599
Yes, sir. And your son is lactose intolerant.

00:28:13.599 --> 00:28:16.119
Always has been. Always will be. Now, this might

00:28:16.119 --> 00:28:18.539
be a strange question, but is your wife lactose

00:28:18.539 --> 00:28:21.319
intolerant as well? She has been for as long

00:28:21.319 --> 00:28:23.319
as she's been married to me. Interesting. So

00:28:23.319 --> 00:28:27.299
what you're saying is that genetically that lactose

00:28:27.299 --> 00:28:29.920
intolerance could have come from your wife and

00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:35.759
not yourself? Well, I suppose some sort of combination

00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:40.059
of the two. Or just one of them. Maybe. Are you

00:28:40.059 --> 00:28:43.720
asking me whether Ciarán has received his lactose

00:28:43.720 --> 00:28:46.140
intolerance either from myself or from Saoirse?

00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:49.439
Aye, but it could be either of you, so... How's

00:28:49.439 --> 00:28:54.180
the turnips? They'll be good. They'll be ready

00:28:54.180 --> 00:28:56.559
for tomorrow, we'll have them. Okay, is Saoirse

00:28:56.559 --> 00:29:02.680
about anywhere? She's... Is your wife about?

00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:06.059
I just want to see if she wants any of that...

00:29:06.059 --> 00:29:14.500
Spite? Any of that... Spite milk? Well, you sold

00:29:14.500 --> 00:29:16.859
us some earlier and I'll be... I'll be frank

00:29:16.859 --> 00:29:18.420
with you. You promised us some earlier. Now,

00:29:18.420 --> 00:29:21.980
you've not delivered yet. I have two on my belt

00:29:21.980 --> 00:29:24.339
here. I have two bottles with... You've got two

00:29:24.339 --> 00:29:26.059
bottles of milk slung on the side of your belt.

00:29:26.200 --> 00:29:28.700
I always carry them. I'll tell you this here,

00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:32.440
Milk Boy. That's absolute lunacy. It's the evening.

00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:35.099
You've come to my door. You're asking where my

00:29:35.099 --> 00:29:38.539
wife is and how my son gained his lactose intolerance.

00:29:39.519 --> 00:29:42.359
I needed to know if she needed the spite milk

00:29:42.359 --> 00:29:46.549
for her pies or whatever. We hear the click of

00:29:46.549 --> 00:29:48.869
the hammer of a shotgun. All right, well, I'm

00:29:48.869 --> 00:29:50.509
going to go bother Lenahan, so it's nice chatting

00:29:50.509 --> 00:29:55.990
to you again. We cut back to Maddie and Gideon,

00:29:55.990 --> 00:29:58.069
still chatting about who's going to sing whatever

00:29:58.069 --> 00:30:00.769
song it is that calms down this dog. I'll just,

00:30:00.809 --> 00:30:03.369
I'll just, top of the mind, first thing that

00:30:03.369 --> 00:30:06.390
comes to mind, join in if you know the words.

00:30:22.190 --> 00:30:28.589
I never know how to say that word at the end.

00:30:28.750 --> 00:30:29.930
Shall we open the door now and shout at the dog?

00:30:32.730 --> 00:30:37.779
I think it will overhear us. It might have lullabied

00:30:37.779 --> 00:30:41.259
it to sleep. Okay. I mean, we can open the door

00:30:41.259 --> 00:30:47.000
and check. It's locked. Great. We wave up at

00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:49.279
your man, the neighbor, be like... Just give

00:30:49.279 --> 00:30:51.640
it a right boot, man. That's what he normally

00:30:51.640 --> 00:30:53.599
does. Big Dylan gives that back door a boot.

00:30:53.779 --> 00:30:57.039
Oh, I thought you meant the dog. Okay. I mean,

00:30:57.099 --> 00:31:00.579
he probably does. Right, okay, I'm going to try

00:31:00.579 --> 00:31:04.180
and... I'm going to try and kick this door in.

00:31:04.839 --> 00:31:09.279
You've got it, brother. Well, Gideon's might

00:31:09.279 --> 00:31:13.660
be enough to kick down a door. Four. It is! Boom!

00:31:14.140 --> 00:31:16.079
My foot goes straight through the glass. It goes

00:31:16.079 --> 00:31:18.480
straight through the glass. Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:21.960
But your ankle hits the handle on the inside,

00:31:22.099 --> 00:31:24.640
and it opens slightly, but your foot's still

00:31:24.640 --> 00:31:26.480
stuck in the door. All right, I'm going to hop

00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:28.839
while you open the door. No, it's okay. If I

00:31:28.839 --> 00:31:31.099
pull you back, if I push you, is it a push door?

00:31:31.619 --> 00:31:34.380
We hop together. I'll hold you so that we can

00:31:34.380 --> 00:31:36.720
hop through, and then we can detangle you once

00:31:36.720 --> 00:31:39.119
we're inside. Thank you. Can I tell you something?

00:31:39.299 --> 00:31:42.640
Mm -hmm. Something is licking my toes. Oh, Jesus.

00:31:43.440 --> 00:31:46.380
of my shoes are cheap. The door is ajar and there

00:31:46.380 --> 00:31:49.220
is a tiny little Yorkie licking the toes of Gideon.

00:31:52.140 --> 00:31:54.359
He snaps his head up and looks like he's going

00:31:54.359 --> 00:31:56.400
to bark. It looks like he wants to hear the words.

00:31:58.299 --> 00:32:06.180
The dog runs to his bed. You find yourself in

00:32:06.180 --> 00:32:09.500
a small kitchen. You know, it's sort of what

00:32:09.500 --> 00:32:11.079
you'd expect. There's some wheat and bread and

00:32:11.079 --> 00:32:14.460
tins of soup sitting on the counter. No cupboards.

00:32:14.900 --> 00:32:17.680
Well, there are cupboards. They're closed. So

00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:19.680
you don't know what's in them. That's how they

00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:21.039
work. That's how they work. There can be a SNES

00:32:21.039 --> 00:32:23.079
in any of these. There's a wee fridge in the

00:32:23.079 --> 00:32:25.319
corner. There's a caricature of himself that

00:32:25.319 --> 00:32:27.440
looks like it's Bully the Bull from the game

00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:30.839
show Bullseye hanging on the wall. It looks like

00:32:30.839 --> 00:32:32.180
a man playing darts, but he's wearing the blue

00:32:32.180 --> 00:32:34.180
jeans and the red and white stripy shirt. Should

00:32:34.180 --> 00:32:37.880
we try some of these cupboards? Oh, sure. Yeah.

00:32:37.960 --> 00:32:40.640
I don't think the games console will be in here.

00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:43.599
Yeah, sorry. I got... I got led to believe that

00:32:43.599 --> 00:32:45.200
that would be more relevant, but you're right,

00:32:45.279 --> 00:32:47.940
we should probably try another room. Yeah. As

00:32:47.940 --> 00:32:50.119
Gideon rummages through the cupboards, Maddy

00:32:50.119 --> 00:32:52.259
talks some sense into him. I think the living

00:32:52.259 --> 00:32:54.480
room will probably have the snares. We fade out

00:32:54.480 --> 00:32:57.039
as they walk towards the living room. Is there

00:32:57.039 --> 00:32:59.420
anything that Dolan's up to back in the pub,

00:32:59.500 --> 00:33:02.019
or is he still looking at his drawings? Content

00:33:02.019 --> 00:33:04.920
with his drawings, Dolan's sort of got a newspaper

00:33:04.920 --> 00:33:07.619
and is just looking through classified for snares

00:33:07.619 --> 00:33:11.410
or something. while occasionally cheering at

00:33:11.410 --> 00:33:16.670
the darts whenever notable moment happens. He's

00:33:16.670 --> 00:33:18.029
having a grand old time. He got himself a packet

00:33:18.029 --> 00:33:23.789
of crisps too. We cut to Clary storming up the

00:33:23.789 --> 00:33:26.990
driveway of the other farm. And he knocks on

00:33:26.990 --> 00:33:29.390
the door. He knocks on the door. The top half

00:33:29.390 --> 00:33:33.029
of the door swings open and he sees Fra's grumpy

00:33:33.029 --> 00:33:36.349
old face. Uh, are you here to bring me more milk?

00:33:37.470 --> 00:33:42.220
I'm not. Oh? I'm not here to bring you more milk.

00:33:42.759 --> 00:33:47.680
You don't deserve milk. And what is that supposed

00:33:47.680 --> 00:33:51.480
to mean? I know what you did. What? You saying

00:33:51.480 --> 00:33:53.240
I did something to my own field? Is that what

00:33:53.240 --> 00:33:56.240
this is? No, it is not. This is much worse than

00:33:56.240 --> 00:33:59.640
what happened to your field. You took away the

00:33:59.640 --> 00:34:02.420
greatest pleasure a man could ever have by having

00:34:02.420 --> 00:34:05.640
a son, by extending his lineage, by getting to

00:34:05.640 --> 00:34:07.539
throw a ball around. Well, he's still getting

00:34:07.539 --> 00:34:11.000
to do that, but not with his son. What the hell

00:34:11.000 --> 00:34:15.500
are you talking about? I've got a wee boy. I've

00:34:15.500 --> 00:34:18.980
got a son. Aye, maybe you've got two. I don't

00:34:18.980 --> 00:34:20.980
have got one. Maybe you've got... No, but maybe

00:34:20.980 --> 00:34:23.559
you've got two, though. Nah, I've got one. No,

00:34:23.579 --> 00:34:25.539
but maybe what I'm saying is that... I can't

00:34:25.539 --> 00:34:28.019
stand to be in a room with that man. Exactly,

00:34:28.079 --> 00:34:30.820
but you can stand to be in a room really going

00:34:30.820 --> 00:34:34.440
to town on his wife. That's how much you hate

00:34:34.440 --> 00:34:36.820
him. You wanted to get back at him for being...

00:34:37.079 --> 00:34:39.059
your rival for all this time, isn't it? Admit

00:34:39.059 --> 00:34:41.880
it. Admit what you've done. You slept with Saoirse

00:34:41.880 --> 00:34:45.760
maybe more than once. We hear the clicking of

00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:51.039
the hammer of a shotgun. I'm going to go bother,

00:34:51.159 --> 00:34:56.500
I'm going to go bother the McAnally's. He runs

00:34:56.500 --> 00:35:02.539
back down the lane towards the other farm. We'll

00:35:02.539 --> 00:35:06.769
cut back to the living room of this place. So,

00:35:06.769 --> 00:35:09.110
it's pretty modest. There's, you know, one of

00:35:09.110 --> 00:35:11.909
them wee square tables in front of a fairly threadbare

00:35:11.909 --> 00:35:14.150
sofa. There's a few loose pogs sitting on it.

00:35:14.190 --> 00:35:17.070
There's a big black CRT TV in the corner. And

00:35:17.070 --> 00:35:20.130
there's some VHS boxes lying next to a wee video

00:35:20.130 --> 00:35:22.349
player. It looks like he's been watching the

00:35:22.349 --> 00:35:25.409
first season of The Young Ones. As you scan your

00:35:25.409 --> 00:35:28.469
eyes over it, let's see what you see. Like, it

00:35:28.469 --> 00:35:29.969
looks like a well -lived -in room. It's a bit

00:35:29.969 --> 00:35:33.130
of a mess. You do notice that his Walt is sitting

00:35:33.130 --> 00:35:35.730
on the sofa. Like it's sort of tucked down the

00:35:35.730 --> 00:35:38.670
side of one of the cushions. But that's the only

00:35:38.670 --> 00:35:42.030
out of the ordinary thing you notice here. Any

00:35:42.030 --> 00:35:48.030
notes in this? Yes. There's 60 quid. Taking that.

00:35:50.230 --> 00:35:54.750
Maddy robs this man. So I think now this, what

00:35:54.750 --> 00:35:57.010
is it? There's breaking and entering, but now

00:35:57.010 --> 00:35:59.449
we're burglars. Well, we were going to be burglaring

00:35:59.449 --> 00:36:01.789
anyway. That's true. That's true. In for a penny,

00:36:01.909 --> 00:36:07.199
in for 60 pound. Nice. We cut back to Dolan in

00:36:07.199 --> 00:36:11.639
the bar, his nose buried in a newspaper. Do his

00:36:11.639 --> 00:36:13.619
eyes glance over the top of it or do they not?

00:36:14.380 --> 00:36:17.940
Dolan's finger drops to the corner of the paper

00:36:17.940 --> 00:36:21.739
and he notices the big old door of a man patting

00:36:21.739 --> 00:36:25.739
his jeans. Oh, Dolan uses the opportunity to

00:36:25.739 --> 00:36:28.920
go up to him and sort of say, great game, can

00:36:28.920 --> 00:36:34.199
I buy you a drink? Thanks very much, fella. Can

00:36:34.199 --> 00:36:36.119
I just say, absolutely fantastic. You could be

00:36:36.119 --> 00:36:38.699
on Bullseye with skills like that. Yeah. You

00:36:38.699 --> 00:36:40.880
think I should be on Bullseye? I think so. I

00:36:40.880 --> 00:36:44.840
mean, if you're half as good on Bullseye as you

00:36:44.840 --> 00:36:47.539
are tonight, you'll win. I haven't seen you around

00:36:47.539 --> 00:36:51.639
before, yeah. You're new in town. Yeah, doing

00:36:51.639 --> 00:36:53.960
a bit of travelling, so a bit bored, so thought

00:36:53.960 --> 00:36:56.800
I'd try somewhere new. And you came to Sparge

00:36:56.800 --> 00:36:59.980
Hall. Yeah. It's a pretty exciting place, I'm

00:36:59.980 --> 00:37:01.460
not lying to you. I hear there's a fair tomorrow.

00:37:01.880 --> 00:37:04.719
You're damn right there is. There's going to

00:37:04.719 --> 00:37:07.559
be games and all sorts. Nice. You out for a couple

00:37:07.559 --> 00:37:09.659
of pints tonight? Well, I'm starting with one,

00:37:09.739 --> 00:37:11.960
seeing where tonight goes. What can I get you?

00:37:12.639 --> 00:37:14.860
You're offering to buy me a drink? After that

00:37:14.860 --> 00:37:16.880
performance, you deserve a prize. What's your

00:37:16.880 --> 00:37:20.239
name, fella? Dolan. Give it here. It's good to

00:37:20.239 --> 00:37:22.079
meet you. Whoa, very strong handshake there.

00:37:23.619 --> 00:37:27.760
I like you a lot, Dolan. My name's Dylan. Dylan,

00:37:27.860 --> 00:37:30.400
lovely. Pretty similar, right? Yeah, pretty close.

00:37:30.840 --> 00:37:35.519
Listen, it's my round here. I just live a couple

00:37:35.519 --> 00:37:37.340
of streets over. I need to just get my wallet.

00:37:38.039 --> 00:37:41.079
My treat. You're going to get the whole round

00:37:41.079 --> 00:37:45.840
in? Yeah, no problem. Guys, everybody. This new

00:37:45.840 --> 00:37:48.039
guy said that he's going to get the round in.

00:37:48.480 --> 00:37:55.739
A dozen men stand up. I'm your new best friend.

00:37:57.079 --> 00:38:00.199
Fucking right. This here's Dolan. And he's under

00:38:00.199 --> 00:38:04.420
my protection. If anyone raises a hand to this

00:38:04.420 --> 00:38:07.239
man, I'll put a fucking dirt through their eye.

00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:09.699
Do you understand me? You got it, Dylan. He can

00:38:09.699 --> 00:38:11.739
do it. He can do it. And I'll tell you what,

00:38:11.820 --> 00:38:15.039
he'll hit it from 20 feet away. Hell yeah, Dylan.

00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:19.820
Let's get the pints in. Hey, want some crisps?

00:38:20.599 --> 00:38:24.739
Fuck yeah. We cut to Clary standing in the little

00:38:24.739 --> 00:38:26.800
road that leads between the two houses, looking

00:38:26.800 --> 00:38:29.440
back and forth. What will he do? What is he going

00:38:29.440 --> 00:38:32.099
to do? He is walking towards the hawthorn tree.

00:38:33.099 --> 00:38:38.199
Where the little memorial is. Yeah. But is the

00:38:38.199 --> 00:38:41.300
milk still there? Is the milk still there? He

00:38:41.300 --> 00:38:43.860
notices a glass bottle that has unfortunately

00:38:43.860 --> 00:38:47.079
been knocked on its side, spilling its white

00:38:47.079 --> 00:38:50.300
gold all over the ground. Don't worry, Margaret.

00:38:51.019 --> 00:38:54.760
Here's another. He sets another down. He also

00:38:54.760 --> 00:38:59.179
sets a picture down. A picture of his son down.

00:39:00.659 --> 00:39:05.059
It's like, Margaret, I don't know if you've seen

00:39:05.059 --> 00:39:12.260
him, but if you have, look out for him. And I

00:39:12.260 --> 00:39:14.099
don't want to be the bearer of bad news, you

00:39:14.099 --> 00:39:17.900
know, concerning sons. But parent to parent,

00:39:18.059 --> 00:39:21.880
I'm worried about your boy and what he's done.

00:39:23.380 --> 00:39:27.710
And maybe your grandson as well. So Margaret,

00:39:27.849 --> 00:39:32.010
if you're out there and you can give me a sign

00:39:32.010 --> 00:39:35.969
of, and I hate to ask it, of your own son's infidelity.

00:39:36.909 --> 00:39:40.469
You know, your grandson potentially deserves

00:39:40.469 --> 00:39:46.409
to know that he is your grandson. So if you're

00:39:46.409 --> 00:39:50.190
out there, Margaret, you know what? Here's the

00:39:50.190 --> 00:39:54.030
second bottle of milk as well. Suddenly, a shotgun

00:39:54.030 --> 00:39:57.570
blast rings through the air. Would you get off

00:39:57.570 --> 00:40:01.130
my land? Is that the sign, Margaret? A man about

00:40:01.130 --> 00:40:04.829
80 feet away from you is beginning to thunder

00:40:04.829 --> 00:40:07.210
his way up in his pyjamas towards you. Oh, no.

00:40:07.449 --> 00:40:10.650
He cocks the shotgun again and will cut away.

00:40:12.250 --> 00:40:16.510
With that, we rejoin Gideon and Maddie as they

00:40:16.510 --> 00:40:19.730
enter Big Dylan's bedroom up the stairs. It is

00:40:19.730 --> 00:40:23.969
an absolute disaster. Do you feel like Doolin's...

00:40:24.549 --> 00:40:26.190
becoming a bit more comfortable with us, a bit

00:40:26.190 --> 00:40:29.429
more laid back. He gave me his car keys. I mean,

00:40:29.489 --> 00:40:31.829
yeah, that's a good sign, but also that's responsible

00:40:31.829 --> 00:40:34.550
because he did want to go to the pub and have

00:40:34.550 --> 00:40:37.909
many pints. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's just

00:40:37.909 --> 00:40:40.070
nice that we're all getting to know each other

00:40:40.070 --> 00:40:43.510
and loosen up a bit, you know? Yeah, on that

00:40:43.510 --> 00:40:46.010
topic of knowing each other, I feel like I'm

00:40:46.010 --> 00:40:48.769
saying his name wrong. What do you call him?

00:40:48.989 --> 00:40:51.829
I thought it was Dolan. No, I think it's Dolan.

00:40:52.010 --> 00:40:55.030
Dolan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dolan. Yeah. D -O -O

00:40:55.030 --> 00:40:57.789
-L -A -N. I know, because it sounds a bit like

00:40:57.789 --> 00:41:01.570
my name. D -O -L -E -N. Gideon. There's an N

00:41:01.570 --> 00:41:06.809
in there. Gideon Dolan. Yeah. Yeah, okay. They

00:41:06.809 --> 00:41:09.030
step across the threshold into Dylan's bedroom,

00:41:09.210 --> 00:41:12.650
and it is a disaster. It absolutely stinks in

00:41:12.650 --> 00:41:15.889
here. Will their stomach be able to take it?

00:41:16.090 --> 00:41:19.400
Will their might be able to suppress? The gag

00:41:19.400 --> 00:41:22.500
reflex. 29 against 20. You feel like you are

00:41:22.500 --> 00:41:26.659
going to be sick. There is an unspeakable aroma

00:41:26.659 --> 00:41:30.400
in this room. It smells like 30 men have lived

00:41:30.400 --> 00:41:34.500
here. Oh, God. Okay. 12. I throw up a little.

00:41:34.719 --> 00:41:39.460
Yes, but you swallow it right down. I'm going

00:41:39.460 --> 00:41:42.920
to quickly move through the stench towards the

00:41:42.920 --> 00:41:46.369
bed. As you head towards the bed. You're, like,

00:41:46.409 --> 00:41:49.050
wading through clothes on the ground. You feel

00:41:49.050 --> 00:41:51.449
like you're stepping on old crisp packets. There's

00:41:51.449 --> 00:41:53.769
a plate under there. You notice there's a glass

00:41:53.769 --> 00:41:56.389
that's been smashed. And, like, you see there's,

00:41:56.389 --> 00:41:58.909
you know, an old set of goalkeeping puma, goalkeeping

00:41:58.909 --> 00:42:01.670
gloves. There's a stack of Bibles. It looks like

00:42:01.670 --> 00:42:03.989
he's stolen, like, seven Bibles from different

00:42:03.989 --> 00:42:06.849
hotels and stuff. A big stack of Panini football

00:42:06.849 --> 00:42:10.190
stickers from Euro 92. There's a wee remote on

00:42:10.190 --> 00:42:12.150
the ground. You just sort of... Kick that out

00:42:12.150 --> 00:42:14.190
of the way. And I in the corner, you just see

00:42:14.190 --> 00:42:16.769
an Omnibot. You know Omnibot? It's like one of

00:42:16.769 --> 00:42:19.050
them wee robots. It's like a little butler bot.

00:42:19.369 --> 00:42:23.010
Oh, look, it's an Omnibot. Maybe that Clary wasn't

00:42:23.010 --> 00:42:25.730
so far off the mark after all. He's got a big

00:42:25.730 --> 00:42:29.030
pile of empty cans next to him. So, yeah, like

00:42:29.030 --> 00:42:32.909
there's just about two dozen old tins of Dutch

00:42:32.909 --> 00:42:35.449
gold just sitting beside this wee robot. Matty,

00:42:35.510 --> 00:42:38.940
I think Dylan's been drinking with Omnibot. We're

00:42:38.940 --> 00:42:43.320
dealing with a sad, strangely childlike individual.

00:42:43.780 --> 00:42:47.599
I don't know. Just stay. I'm going to hang back

00:42:47.599 --> 00:42:50.960
here, but like. Let me rummage. Is the SNES anywhere?

00:42:51.400 --> 00:42:53.940
Gideon rummages around, rooting about with his

00:42:53.940 --> 00:42:56.059
feet in his hands, kicking stuff all over the

00:42:56.059 --> 00:42:58.199
place. This is absolutely disgusting. The pillows

00:42:58.199 --> 00:43:00.659
are like. I don't want to know. It's a corrugated

00:43:00.659 --> 00:43:04.639
iron. They are solid. Although you do see poking

00:43:04.639 --> 00:43:08.579
out from underneath the bed. Familiar to some,

00:43:08.639 --> 00:43:11.400
but probably not to you, controller for one of

00:43:11.400 --> 00:43:13.800
them newfangled video game consoles. Is this,

00:43:13.800 --> 00:43:17.440
this looks snazzy? Is this snaz? Sure, yeah.

00:43:18.039 --> 00:43:21.400
I understand if you don't feel comfortable like

00:43:21.400 --> 00:43:28.639
being the one to... It's okay. To steal it. So

00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:30.340
if you just want to bring it to the hallway,

00:43:30.539 --> 00:43:35.280
then from here I can like... Oh my God. I can

00:43:35.280 --> 00:43:37.719
lift it and I can be the crime committer. We're

00:43:37.719 --> 00:43:39.400
going to steal it together. We're going to steal

00:43:39.400 --> 00:43:43.119
it together. Partners in crime. That's okay.

00:43:43.119 --> 00:43:44.380
I'm going to leave the room now. I'm going to

00:43:44.380 --> 00:43:46.539
go to the bathroom. While Maddie runs to the

00:43:46.539 --> 00:43:49.780
bathroom, we cut five minutes in the past back

00:43:49.780 --> 00:43:53.920
to the pub. That was pretty cool of you buying

00:43:53.920 --> 00:43:59.139
those drinks. Hey, buddy, let me ask you a personal

00:43:59.139 --> 00:44:02.179
question. Of course. Do you think my width outsets

00:44:02.179 --> 00:44:08.539
my height? I'll tell you what. Do you want me

00:44:08.539 --> 00:44:14.460
to be honest or kind? I think if you're quiet

00:44:14.460 --> 00:44:19.320
about it, I would take honesty. Okay. I mean,

00:44:19.340 --> 00:44:20.659
I can measure you. I've got a measuring tape

00:44:20.659 --> 00:44:26.139
with me. I think I'd like that. Eyes wide? You're

00:44:26.139 --> 00:44:33.440
87 % wide as you are. That's good, right? It's

00:44:33.440 --> 00:44:35.559
good for a darts player. Let me tell you something,

00:44:35.639 --> 00:44:42.500
man. You have blown my mind tonight with how

00:44:42.500 --> 00:44:47.019
friendly you've been. A stranger to this town.

00:44:48.380 --> 00:44:50.679
I think it's important that I buy you a drink

00:44:50.679 --> 00:44:55.780
now. That means a lot to me. That's very good

00:44:55.780 --> 00:44:59.099
of you. Sit you down right there and don't you

00:44:59.099 --> 00:45:05.099
move a muscle until I get back. New friend. Oh,

00:45:05.099 --> 00:45:09.739
no. We cut back to a close -up of Clary's face

00:45:09.739 --> 00:45:12.659
as he runs across a field, a shotgun -wielding

00:45:12.659 --> 00:45:15.320
farmer chasing him. God, this really has me turned

00:45:15.320 --> 00:45:18.099
like butter, this. This field is, there's no

00:45:18.099 --> 00:45:21.579
turnips here, I swear to God. This wasn't robots.

00:45:22.019 --> 00:45:26.239
This wasn't robots. Does he want to run away?

00:45:26.340 --> 00:45:29.699
Does he want to hide? Oh, he's hiding. He's trying

00:45:29.699 --> 00:45:31.539
to find if there's like a hole in the field or

00:45:31.539 --> 00:45:33.599
anything. He's just got to duck down into this

00:45:33.599 --> 00:45:36.420
field somewhere that has no vegetables. Well,

00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:38.800
will he be sneaky enough? Let's find out. He

00:45:38.800 --> 00:45:46.659
sneaks not bad. He has to hit blue 60. 26. He

00:45:46.659 --> 00:45:50.139
leaps forward and slides through the mud, covering

00:45:50.139 --> 00:45:53.059
his body like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator.

00:45:53.219 --> 00:45:56.559
He rolls over and faces the sky and then closes

00:45:56.559 --> 00:46:01.719
his eyes. He's gone. No one can see him. A shotgun

00:46:01.719 --> 00:46:04.260
-wielding man goes, Where'd you go? Where'd you

00:46:04.260 --> 00:46:13.679
go? You'll never find me! We cut back to Big

00:46:13.679 --> 00:46:17.059
Dylan's house. You hear the turning of a key

00:46:17.059 --> 00:46:23.000
in the door downstairs. I'm going to... All the

00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:25.659
cupboards are open and you're retching. I'm going

00:46:25.659 --> 00:46:28.699
to hide. I'm going to hide behind the front door.

00:46:28.860 --> 00:46:33.360
Hide. What? Hide. Okay, I lock the bathroom door.

00:46:35.199 --> 00:46:38.400
Maddie locks themselves in the bathroom as Gideon

00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:40.139
slides down the banister and tries to hide behind

00:46:40.139 --> 00:46:45.210
the front door. The door swings open and smacks

00:46:45.210 --> 00:46:47.489
into his toe at the end of his way as he lands.

00:46:48.110 --> 00:46:52.090
You let out a little yelp and you are faced with

00:46:52.090 --> 00:46:56.550
a big old sheet of paper of a man. He's so wide,

00:46:56.610 --> 00:47:01.750
but in landscape. What the fuck are you doing?

00:47:01.889 --> 00:47:05.610
Your dog was in distress. Nothing would calm

00:47:05.610 --> 00:47:08.590
it down and I had no choice but to come in here.

00:47:09.019 --> 00:47:11.119
Search every cupboard for food. I was just about

00:47:11.119 --> 00:47:14.820
to go out and buy some. I don't know what to

00:47:14.820 --> 00:47:16.780
tell you, man. You can't leave your black and

00:47:16.780 --> 00:47:19.320
tan Yorkie here if it's going to be stressed

00:47:19.320 --> 00:47:21.800
out. I'm your new neighbour, by the way. I'm

00:47:21.800 --> 00:47:27.119
moving in with your man. With Paul at the park?

00:47:27.159 --> 00:47:29.820
Yeah, yeah. He speaks the world of you. Really?

00:47:30.019 --> 00:47:34.079
Yeah. Gideon is spinning all sorts of lies. Let's

00:47:34.079 --> 00:47:41.539
see how convincing he is. Get. Of my house. Big

00:47:41.539 --> 00:47:47.000
Dylan drags Gideon back to the pub. Folks, we

00:47:47.000 --> 00:47:51.440
have a thief in our midst. I just caught this

00:47:51.440 --> 00:47:56.320
little guy rummaging around my house. This guy

00:47:56.320 --> 00:47:57.960
doesn't take care of his dog, folks. Can you

00:47:57.960 --> 00:48:01.199
believe it? I will have you know that Margaret

00:48:01.199 --> 00:48:04.579
the dog is well taken care of. The dog's called

00:48:04.579 --> 00:48:07.099
Margaret as well? What do you mean as well? The

00:48:07.099 --> 00:48:09.280
horse is called Margaret. What fucking horse?

00:48:09.460 --> 00:48:12.380
I'll tell you later. This guy is buying pints

00:48:12.380 --> 00:48:17.699
for everybody. That's actually not bad. As retribution

00:48:17.699 --> 00:48:21.039
goes, it's not bad. Dolan sees his new friend

00:48:21.039 --> 00:48:24.099
being held up by the scruff of his neck. Have

00:48:24.099 --> 00:48:27.119
you got any money? Have you got any money? I

00:48:27.119 --> 00:48:30.179
left my wallet in your car. Do you know this

00:48:30.179 --> 00:48:35.420
guy? Yeah, we ride together. We drive. We have

00:48:35.420 --> 00:48:39.840
a co -driving... I'm shotgun. Doolan, explain.

00:48:40.500 --> 00:48:42.860
I really didn't want to see you tonight. Can

00:48:42.860 --> 00:48:46.300
you get this guy out of here? Can you... I just...

00:48:46.300 --> 00:48:48.659
What the fuck? I just... I thought we had something.

00:48:49.059 --> 00:48:54.260
Fucking hell. This guy's bothering you? Doolan.

00:48:54.380 --> 00:48:59.400
My Doolan. You're bothering... My buddy. Okay,

00:48:59.400 --> 00:49:03.000
look, be nice to him. I know his dad. You know

00:49:03.000 --> 00:49:07.539
my dad? You didn't mention this. You know what?

00:49:07.579 --> 00:49:13.599
I punched him in the nose. Ah! Ow! I punched

00:49:13.599 --> 00:49:16.960
him just as I was like, I put up with so much

00:49:16.960 --> 00:49:19.559
shit for you and now you're ruining this great

00:49:19.559 --> 00:49:22.320
evening. I'll tell you what. Yeah. I'll tell

00:49:22.320 --> 00:49:24.719
you what. Get the fuck out of here. You're drunk.

00:49:27.599 --> 00:49:30.000
I'm hot as... Suck as many drinks as I should.

00:49:30.139 --> 00:49:36.099
Punch him again. I punch him again. You hear

00:49:36.099 --> 00:49:40.500
the crunch of bone. You may have broken this

00:49:40.500 --> 00:49:44.139
young man's nose. Look. Can I use my medical

00:49:44.139 --> 00:49:47.719
skill to reset my broken nose? Yes. Contrapunchal

00:49:47.719 --> 00:49:52.179
satisfying click as my nose goes back. Tulan,

00:49:52.219 --> 00:49:53.739
I thought we were supposed to be in the OSNA.

00:49:53.760 --> 00:49:57.199
Don't say another word. Are you the leader of

00:49:57.199 --> 00:50:01.340
this gang now? Shut up. Look, Dylan. Dylan, I'm

00:50:01.340 --> 00:50:04.019
so sorry for ruining your evening here. I know.

00:50:04.099 --> 00:50:06.579
The night is young. Look, can you not go to the

00:50:06.579 --> 00:50:08.219
cops? I just punched him on. I'd rather, you

00:50:08.219 --> 00:50:11.280
know. The cops? Look, I know who I'm talking

00:50:11.280 --> 00:50:14.360
to. But, you know, you got it clear there. I'll

00:50:14.360 --> 00:50:16.300
tell you what. Is everyone else around here cool?

00:50:16.360 --> 00:50:17.960
Like, I know you're cool, but. Everyone's pretty

00:50:17.960 --> 00:50:23.420
cool when I'm around. Your friend here. Cracking

00:50:23.420 --> 00:50:27.079
his nose back into position like that. That was

00:50:27.079 --> 00:50:31.239
pretty rad. I almost cried. But I see that you

00:50:31.239 --> 00:50:35.840
didn't. That's true. I'm impressed by that. Now,

00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:39.860
you say that you don't have your wallet. But

00:50:39.860 --> 00:50:43.440
all I see is a room for the thirsty boys. So

00:50:43.440 --> 00:50:47.659
you better go find some money and make us not

00:50:47.659 --> 00:50:52.000
so thirsty. So you're letting me go? Like temporarily.

00:50:52.239 --> 00:50:54.920
You have to go and get money and then come back

00:50:54.920 --> 00:50:57.719
and buy drinks. Dylan, I'll tell you what. I'm

00:50:57.719 --> 00:50:58.800
going to go with him because I need to have a

00:50:58.800 --> 00:51:01.780
wee word with the lad. Because I swear to God,

00:51:01.880 --> 00:51:05.340
if he disappoints his father one more time, I'm

00:51:05.340 --> 00:51:06.579
never going to hear the end of it, all right?

00:51:07.039 --> 00:51:11.260
I trust you, Dylan. Pour me a pint. You've got

00:51:11.260 --> 00:51:15.900
it, blood brother. We cut back to Maddie crouched

00:51:15.900 --> 00:51:18.460
down, hugging a snares on the floor of a bathroom.

00:51:19.719 --> 00:51:25.380
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I think Gideon's... Dead.

00:51:28.159 --> 00:51:33.559
It's like he fucking died. I mean, I think the

00:51:33.559 --> 00:51:37.880
coast is clear. I mean, in for a penny, in for

00:51:37.880 --> 00:51:43.400
60 pound and a weird butler robot. I go back

00:51:43.400 --> 00:51:45.440
and I take that as well as the stress. Daddy

00:51:45.440 --> 00:51:49.539
grabs the Omnibot and slides down the banister

00:51:49.539 --> 00:51:53.300
and runs out the front door. We cut back to the

00:51:53.300 --> 00:51:56.019
four of you standing in extra vision. Snares

00:51:56.019 --> 00:52:00.260
in hand, Clary covered in mud. Clary, Clary did

00:52:00.260 --> 00:52:04.639
mud? Exactly. Again, Gideon, I am so sorry about

00:52:04.639 --> 00:52:06.860
last night. What the fuck? Look at my nose. It

00:52:06.860 --> 00:52:10.739
was mere moments ago. What just happened? You're

00:52:10.739 --> 00:52:13.139
drunk. You are so drunk. You were surrounded

00:52:13.139 --> 00:52:15.400
by empty glasses. Do you actually know my dad

00:52:15.400 --> 00:52:17.699
or was that just some convincing ruse? I barely

00:52:17.699 --> 00:52:21.250
know you. Wait, that was a lie? You keep saying

00:52:21.250 --> 00:52:26.610
my name wrong. Your name's Dolan. Dolan. Hard

00:52:26.610 --> 00:52:30.369
O. Yeah, it's Dolan. It's spelled with O. Hard

00:52:30.369 --> 00:52:32.969
O, man. It's spelled with O. That's it. I doubted

00:52:32.969 --> 00:52:35.030
myself. I wasn't sure. Never doubt yourself.

00:52:35.550 --> 00:52:40.469
You know, Dolan is more unfamiliar to me than

00:52:40.469 --> 00:52:42.889
Dolan, so I apologize. But you felt you needed

00:52:42.889 --> 00:52:45.150
to punch me because of that? Look, one person

00:52:45.150 --> 00:52:47.559
in that room was going to punch you. That's fair.

00:52:47.639 --> 00:52:50.579
I think it's best it was me. Yeah. I really didn't

00:52:50.579 --> 00:52:51.800
think I would break your nose. I'm sorry about

00:52:51.800 --> 00:52:53.940
that. I have weak cartilage. It was pretty cool

00:52:53.940 --> 00:52:55.599
that you reset it. Lenny, is there a bathroom

00:52:55.599 --> 00:52:59.300
in here? Yeah, but it's just for customers. Didn't

00:52:59.300 --> 00:53:02.699
we rent a bunch of films? It's fine. I was going

00:53:02.699 --> 00:53:06.119
to destroy it anyway. I'm covered. Yeah, I was

00:53:06.119 --> 00:53:08.519
going to ask. It's incredible that you got the

00:53:08.519 --> 00:53:11.360
snooze back. Thanks, but... Oh, he didn't do

00:53:11.360 --> 00:53:14.679
it. Yeah, why are you covered in mud? I was trying

00:53:14.679 --> 00:53:17.380
to, like, prove the heritage of your cousin or

00:53:17.380 --> 00:53:20.639
something, and just, it all went wrong. I was

00:53:20.639 --> 00:53:22.880
trying to prove that, you know your good friend...

00:53:22.880 --> 00:53:26.300
Kieran. Yeah, Kieran. Yeah, I was just trying

00:53:26.300 --> 00:53:29.440
to... I got it in my head that you were maybe

00:53:29.440 --> 00:53:32.179
his half -brother or something, you know, and

00:53:32.179 --> 00:53:35.960
that's... then I got Clyde and Muck, but I escaped.

00:53:36.219 --> 00:53:38.199
You know, it's neither here nor there. It might

00:53:38.199 --> 00:53:42.360
be true, but I don't think it is. Wow. That's

00:53:42.360 --> 00:53:45.340
a lot of information to take in. That's what

00:53:45.340 --> 00:53:47.099
I thought, yeah. That's what I thought, but I've

00:53:47.099 --> 00:53:49.559
had a heck of a day. Couldn't get anything out

00:53:49.559 --> 00:53:51.940
of it. You know, they all wear just different

00:53:51.940 --> 00:53:55.300
parts of the same outfit. It's strange, you know?

00:53:56.400 --> 00:54:00.940
But, uh, Maddy, you got the snares. Yeah, I'm

00:54:00.940 --> 00:54:04.099
60 quid and a little robot butler guy. Oh, holy

00:54:04.099 --> 00:54:07.400
shit. I'm keeping him, but if you want 20 quid.

00:54:07.559 --> 00:54:11.000
I mean, I also need 40 quid of that because I

00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:12.840
had to buy a round of drinks. Okay, well, no

00:54:12.840 --> 00:54:14.760
you don't because you chose to do that. I was

00:54:14.760 --> 00:54:16.460
at a doubt I'd let the man go back for his wallet.

00:54:16.739 --> 00:54:18.920
I don't think he's your half -brother anymore,

00:54:18.960 --> 00:54:20.739
by the way. There were other ways to keep him

00:54:20.739 --> 00:54:25.119
back. Name one. There were other ways. Dart him.

00:54:26.059 --> 00:54:29.219
I don't... I don't know. I think you did it right.

00:54:29.659 --> 00:54:31.300
You know, sometimes we've got to follow our instincts.

00:54:31.400 --> 00:54:33.780
Even those instincts, again, I don't think my

00:54:33.780 --> 00:54:35.980
instinct was right in this case. No, I mean,

00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:38.320
I've had some thoughts about the whole farm situation,

00:54:38.460 --> 00:54:40.539
but we can talk about that later. Okay. It's

00:54:40.539 --> 00:54:42.980
pretty late, guys. I don't know if you have accommodation.

00:54:42.980 --> 00:54:44.659
Wait, your grandmother's called Margaret, though?

00:54:44.820 --> 00:54:48.159
She was. She's dead now, man. I don't know if

00:54:48.159 --> 00:54:49.820
you have accommodation sorted or anything, but,

00:54:49.920 --> 00:54:52.619
like, if you want to hang out with me and the

00:54:52.619 --> 00:54:55.139
old man, we were going to watch some movies here.

00:54:55.159 --> 00:54:56.780
We're just about to crack on to another one.

00:54:56.920 --> 00:54:58.780
I really thought I was on to something. What

00:54:58.780 --> 00:55:00.559
are you up to? We're just going to have a sleepover

00:55:00.559 --> 00:55:02.639
here in Extra Vision. Yeah, we're halfway through

00:55:02.639 --> 00:55:04.579
the one I was going to rent. So we've just watched

00:55:04.579 --> 00:55:06.760
Bram Stoker's Dracula. It was, you know, it was

00:55:06.760 --> 00:55:08.079
certainly something, but we're going to watch

00:55:08.079 --> 00:55:10.139
Last of the Mohicans next. Oh my God. So if you

00:55:10.139 --> 00:55:12.260
watch it here, you don't have to rent it. No,

00:55:12.280 --> 00:55:13.500
he's still, he's still renting it. No, I'm still

00:55:13.500 --> 00:55:15.619
paying. I'm actually paying slightly more because

00:55:15.619 --> 00:55:17.719
I'm getting to stay over. Before you start that

00:55:17.719 --> 00:55:19.460
film, would you mind? Hey, have 20 quid. Oh,

00:55:19.460 --> 00:55:22.139
thanks. Before you start the film, would you

00:55:22.139 --> 00:55:24.960
mind how about a short film where you describe

00:55:24.960 --> 00:55:28.150
the events of what happened, you know? In the

00:55:28.150 --> 00:55:31.969
field. Oh. How about a short film? Well, I mean,

00:55:31.969 --> 00:55:35.929
I can tell you about, I think I did already tell

00:55:35.929 --> 00:55:38.909
you about the field. I'm going to give you the

00:55:38.909 --> 00:55:42.090
book. Oh, then do that. We've had a long day.

00:55:42.210 --> 00:55:44.230
A short story. Listen, take a breath, get off

00:55:44.230 --> 00:55:47.449
the counter. It's all right. Let's just watch.

00:55:48.469 --> 00:55:51.829
It's been a tough day. Let's all get some rest.

00:55:51.989 --> 00:55:55.090
I just have one more question. Yes, Dolan. What's

00:55:55.090 --> 00:55:58.780
the robot? So you're on the robot turnips too?

00:55:59.219 --> 00:56:04.559
No, no, the robot that Maddie's holding. Oh,

00:56:04.559 --> 00:56:07.519
an Omnibot. He's part of the crew now. He's part

00:56:07.519 --> 00:56:10.400
of the crew. He's a little guy. CJ had one of

00:56:10.400 --> 00:56:16.940
them. Oh. We fade out on everyone else's shoulders

00:56:16.940 --> 00:56:21.489
sinking. Join us again next time on The Bad Articles

00:56:21.489 --> 00:56:24.289
for the exciting conclusion when our brave volunteers

00:56:24.289 --> 00:56:29.010
head to the town fair. The Bad Articles is created

00:56:29.010 --> 00:56:32.949
by J .R. McCormick and Aidan Kelly. It is recorded

00:56:32.949 --> 00:56:35.769
and produced by Clark Phillips at Felburn Studios.

00:56:36.789 --> 00:56:40.590
Starring Conleth McVeigh, Laura Conlon, Patrick

00:56:40.590 --> 00:56:42.550
Meyer and Niall McKenna.