Last time on The Bad Articles, our new recruits
broke into some lad's house and stole a wee robot.
Stick around to find out what happens next, unless
you're a coward. Since the dawn of time, Ireland
has played host to unimaginable horrors, ushered
in through an ever -weakening veil between our
world and the other side. They live among us,
shaping our mythology, sowing chaos, scaring
the shit out of people. Not all hope is lost.
Underfunded, undergunned and underappreciated,
the OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked,
otherworldly chaos. This secret network of brave
volunteers put their lives and their sanity on
the line, all for a better tomorrow. Have you
ever been at a family wedding and you bump into
an uncle you haven't seen in ages and he spent
all night chatting the air off you and buying
you a rake of pints and stuff and he even did
a speech at the dinner? Class crack altogether.
But then you got home and thought, how long?
He died six years ago. Sure I was at the funeral.
You better call the OSNA before you find yourself
in the bad articles. It's the following morning
and it's a crisp one here in Spurs Hollow. Not
too cold. Fallen leaves of brown, orange and
red adorn the cobbled streets, and a light wind
coaxes them gently towards the centre of town.
There we see a bustling market fair, full with
food stalls, local crafts, games and entertainment.
We see our agents. huddling around, holding this
book that Lenny had given him. They've got it
open on the page that he said was the ritual
they did. And it's like a mixture. There is some
Ogham stuff there, but there's also a bunch of
Irish. And there's a big drawing that just looks
like a big circle with jagged points that are
all pointing towards the centre. What do yous
want to do? There's loads of people here. And
you've got some ritual that you don't understand.
Clary is talking to a hot dog vendor. He's near
the end of his conversation, but he's just like,
and you know, so I asked Margaret for a sign.
And then Derek came out with a shotgun. So I
don't know, maybe that was her sign saying that
the father of the boy did come out. So that's
all I'm saying is like, maybe, you know what?
Asked the spirit word for a sign and a man comes
out with a shotgun. Maybe he is the true father
of the wee boy. Do you mean Dacky? I mean Derek,
aye. Derek McAnally. It's Dacky. It's Dacky McAnally.
With the turnips? Aye. Aye, is it? Oh, I've been
calling him Derek this whole time. No, no, it's
definitely Dacky. Like, he's lived here his whole
life. Aye, no, well, I'm not disputing you. You
seem to know him, so... I don't know him that
well. I'm just trying to... Well, I know him
from the bottom down, let me tell you that. But,
uh... I'm not going to touch that. He ran out
swinging a blade with not only a shotgun, let
me tell you. Who are you? Oh, sorry, did I not
introduce myself? Clary Pussman, I'm the milkman.
Our milkman? You're not my milkman? No, I'm a
milkman, but I'm the milkman too. You can be
a and the milkman, I'm just... That's ominous,
I don't like it. No, I'm sorry, that's fine.
I was just sorry to unload on you there, but...
What do you want on your hot dog? I haven't decided
yet. So I think that the... This symbol, it looks
pretty bad. It looks pretty ominous. It looks
spiky and fearful. What do you think? Yeah, it
does. To me, it almost looks like a mouth or
teeth or something like that. Is this the horse
hole that the horse went down? So your theory
is that there's some sort of tunnel for the horse?
I'm just saying that horse, we all saw the lock
wasn't broken. There's a big... No, actually,
we didn't really talk about it. No, we didn't.
There's certainly merit to the idea that something's
underneath, given how the turnips have happened.
And then I pull out the drawing of the farms
again. There's also just something odd that they're
perfectly symmetrical. No one designs farms like
that. I really want to see some of these turnips.
Clary walks over and has rolled a nine for supernatural.
Does he recognize? The ritual circle. Well, he
would say that that doesn't look like it's part
of the ritual. That looks like it's an illustration
of something. To be honest, that kind of looks
like a mouth. That doesn't look... That looks
as if someone else has drawn that on there. Yeah,
it's a picture book. Oh, is it? Oh, never mind
then. Yeah. It definitely does not look like
someone else has drawn it on. It looks like an
illustration that was in this book from the beginning.
Does anyone here speak Irish? I don't. We can
ask around and see if someone... Yeah, can anyone
translate? I mean, some of this is too old to
be legible, but... Gonna go back to the hot dog
man. Hot dog man. Hot dog man. Excuse me. These
are my friends. We're not his friends. We are...
What do you want? We just... Can you read this
at all? Do you have any... No, I don't speak
Irish. Would you know someone who does? I know
a bit of all of them. Oh, sorry. But I don't
know the other bits. I don't know the more modern
bits. Oh, okay. We can get half of it, or, well,
two -thirds of it. Sorry, what's below half?
Well, I know how to write my name in Ogham because
an axe taught me. Is your name in this? Some
of the letters, but it's the lines and stuff,
so it really is like the composition of it is
kind of difficult. So how much of it can you
translate? How much of it can I translate? Do
you have a codex at this point? You sort of understand
how some of that Ogham stuff works. So you're
picking out a few wee words. You see the word
boar. You see bone. You think there's a mention
of venom and gullet. Like, you're not able to
string loads of this together. But it definitely
seems like it's talking about some sort of creature.
But a lot of the details seem to be in that Irish
stuff that you don't know how to speak. Well,
the one thing we know at least, none of that's
to do with turnips. It could be a bit horsey.
It sounds a bit horsey. You actually might be
on to something, Gideon. And I'm sorry. And I
wasn't dismissing you. I was just saying that
you sounded like very hung up on it in the way
that Kyra was hung up on the robots. And I know
that's a good thing, Kyra. I appreciate your
determination. No, I'm fully off the robots now.
I have moved on. There's conspiracies in this
town, but I don't like the robots. It's crazy.
I might be a little bit concussed. But I think
this thing might have eaten... Might have eaten
Margaret, the horse. Is that a big... So are
we saying that's like a big worm? Yeah. Like
a big worm with teeth. Like Shai Halud from the
recently released science fiction novel, Dune.
Good. Maybe there might be someone in this town.
I'm going to go looking for any Irish teachers.
I bet you there's a stall here of someone willing
to translate my name to Irish or something. Yeah.
We'll all go our separate ways. No, don't do
that. Stay with us. Stay, stay. So the four of
you just have a wee look around. There's all
sorts. There's people selling tat. There's a
band setting up later. There's a fisherman. He's
just selling a bunch of fish. Is that the wolf
tones? Is that the actual wolf tones? Well, no,
you actually notice their sign. It says catechism
on it. Underneath, though, it is written in Irish
as well. Like, they've got their name written
in two languages. I think it's a marketing trap.
No, but this could also be like Maddie, who just,
they know their name. So... Yeah. Maybe they
can only translate a few more words. Well, we
can try asking. I guess. Are they playing currently?
They are not playing currently. I don't hear
any music. There's just a fella plugging in a
bunch of stuff. He's unpacking what looks like
a guitar case. Let's not bother with any crew.
What do you mean? There's one man. At this bandstand.
Why would he know the Irish? He's not part of
the band. If we're going to find the band, there's
no point in wasting our time with stagehands
or whatever. Oh, we can build a set. Who gives
a fuck? Clary, you are displaying levels of snobbishness
I would not associate with the noble profession
of milkman. That seems to be the kind of behaviour
more suited for a milkmaster. Yes, a milkmaster.
Yeah, Clary. Curdled by your own hubris. Well,
I was shot at twice. Last night, so maybe I'm
going a little too hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
sir. You probably overheard all that. Yes, I
did, actually. I am in the band. Why? No, don't.
Don't. Why are you setting up? Are you just good
at that stuff? No, it's a small bandstand. I'm
just helping set up. The other guys aren't here
yet. Sir, I have to apologize for my friend.
He spent all night in a field. Fearing for his
life, and I think... Why? That's not true. I
got out of the field pretty quickly. Do you speak
Irish? No, I don't, actually. Our drummer does.
See, this is what I'm saying. He's setting up
the stage. Could... Is your drummer about? We
just have a few questions about a manuscript
we found. No, he's not. He should be here in,
like, you know, in about an hour or so. But,
like, because we're doing a set, so you can come
see us. Yeah. Great. What do you play? Like,
sort of like Christian grunge. Like, come on.
That's why we're called catechism. But you know,
we draw lots of influences. So it's like grunge,
but with a positive Christian message. So you're
going to tell us about God? Well, it's for some
people. It might be in the second person. It
might not seem like it's about God, but it's
actually about God. You know one of those? Are
you one of those? Yeah, it's quite veiled in
a few layers of metaphor and stuff. But it's
definitely about God. Right, so you don't speak
Irish. It's great, though. I don't. The drummer
does. He'll be here soon. Can I ask what the
name of your drummer is? His name is Jonathan
Kilkenny. Okay. Yeah. A cold sweat creeps across
Maddie's forehead as they remember that name.
But what happened to that man after they broke
up? Maddie, are you okay? You've been in a bit
of a daze there. Jonathan and me went out for...
a number of very intense months, and it was great.
All right. It was a really lovely relationship.
You're staying over at his house, leaving toothbrushes
and stuff. I mean, yeah, honestly. All right.
And that was about it. I went to a family barbecue
or two. He taught me a little bit of Ogham. I'm
not very good at retaining the stuff that people
teach me, but I have, like, little bits of knowledge.
That's class. Well, yeah, so that's why I was
able to look at the... That's why you wrote down
all those words for us. He's actually probably
a pretty good person to look at this for us.
So he knows all the man Irish. Jesus. Yeah, but
I don't know if he'll remember me. Aqua, why
wouldn't he remember you? You're a catch. Look
at yourself out here solving crimes. Okay, well,
we don't have that kind of... Wait, I wasn't
doing that then. I wasn't solving... I just committed
a crime. I just committed a few crimes. I took
a robot butler yesterday from a man's house.
Yeah, you told me to believe in you, and you
believed in yourself so much, you've got a robot
now. I might add, completely useless so far,
this robot butler. I have to carry him. Can the
robot translate Ogham or Irish? I don't know
what this robot's capabilities are, but I can
assure you it can't. I think, yeah, I think it
literally does poor strings. Does anyone have
anything they want to do for an hour? I would
love to get some food. I'm going to get a hot
bowl of turnip. Yep. My treat, my treat. Thank
you. We cut to a montage of the four of yous
walking around, chatting to people, eating bowls
of turnip. Pointing at big turnips. Somebody
get in this picture cutout and get my photo taken.
We're two turnips. Get down, both of yous. I
think I saw him eating a hot dog. Be careful.
Yeah, Dylan's eating a hot dog right over there.
And I can't move very quickly because this thing
weighs like 30 kilos. It's a heavy robot. Give
me the papoose. Oh, hey, brother. You guys passing
around an Omnibot 2000 there, I see. Pretty,
pretty cool. We're trying to keep it on the DL.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Is this a black market Omnibot?
It's illicit. It's illicit. Well, I wouldn't
say that. I think it's quite pure of heart. I
know robots don't necessarily have heart, but
it's... Yeah, for sure, for sure. It's a sweet
little guy. I mean, if you knew its origin, you
would know it's definitely pure of heart. Hi,
Glory Postman. I'm the Milkman. It's nice to
meet you. My name's Dave. Dave, I'm a fisherman.
You guys enjoying the town fair? Yeah. Do you
know... Wear your shoes. No, go ahead. Oh, so
I don't wear them anymore because I like to be
one with the lake. If you're so fisherman, wear
the fish in your belt. Excuse me? I'm a milkman.
You see all this milk around my body. It's a
hot day. That's curdled. You stink. I stand by
it. A lot of my best catches are on display.
Just a little market stall over there. They're
not for purchase or anything. It's really just
you guys can check them out if you like. You
got some time to kill? Yeah. I'll look at some
fish in the sun. So here's one. Don't know what
it's called. but pretty big. I don't know what
it's called. So far as fish go, pretty big. So
do you not know what it's called because of your
capabilities as a fisherman or it's just an unknown
species? Brother, I caught it. I caught it. You
know what I'm saying? You're talking about my
capabilities as a fisherman. You're looking at
my wares here, my catches. You travel the world,
right? Well, I came from up north, popped over
to the... The old London, don't know if you've
heard of that before. Don't say that. Over there,
and then pop straight back. Do you speak any
Irish over there in London? No, no, not myself.
I spend a lot of time out in the lake at the
minute. Now, tell you what though, out in the
loch there, there's a wee island out there, absolutely
gorgeous. If you get a chance out there, check
it out. Now, I will say, I'd rent boats, no problem.
I can rent you boats, as many boats as you want,
best boats you've ever seen. The island out there,
a bit tough to get to at the minute. You've got
to get round the back end of it. You don't want
to head in straight on. It's pretty badly churned
out there at the minute. Little piggies. I was
walking around on the lock out there, let me
tell you. You mean your toes? Yeah, that's the
ones. Just absolutely squelching, let me tell
you, brother. So you haven't seen this boy? Oh,
God, Clary. Let the man show his fish off. No,
no. No, I don't think I've seen that boy. Not
a lot of kids are in the lake, if you catch me.
Yeah, that's all right, then. You've saved me
a trip. Cheers. But, hey, listen, if you're here
in time for a little bit, I would say, you know,
have fun at the fair. Obviously, you guys can
check out my fish as much as you want. And if
you need a boat, if you want to check out the
island on the loch, then, hey, hit up Dave. Well,
like, after the fair, what are you doing? I'm
just going to head back out in the lake. You
want me to boat you out there? Yeah, that'd be
great. I was going to just show you a picture.
Is it another boy? No. You think it's another
boy. It's just the same photo of the same boy.
Is it going to be the same photo of the same
boy? No, no. It's from this big book. Have you
ever seen that before? This big circle thing?
No. That's sad. Go back to your lake. Clary.
What? Your desperate search for your son has
rendered you... This was on topic. I'm just saying,
your grief is tearing you apart, man. It's making
you weird. Look at you. You didn't know me before
my grief. You can't verify that. You have got
worse. You can't verify that. Gideon, I think
we've established that for some reason... Weird
milk obsession and a son obsession are unrelated.
Thank you. They run strongly in parallel, but
unrelated. Not causation. Yeah, I feel like finding
his son will not fix him. I'm going to just start
showing two photos around to everybody at the
fair. Maybe we make our way back to the bandstand?
Our agents head back to the bandstand. The rest
of the band seem to be there now. There's a lad
tuning up his guitar and there's a fella on the
drums and he's tightening some of the skins.
At the front of the stage, Maddy sees a familiar
face. A beautiful shock of wavy blonde hair sits
atop a chiseled jaw. He's got an interesting
wee beard and as their eyes track down this fella,
they notice a new addition. A priest's collar
around his neck. Maddy Murphy. What brings you
to Spar's Hollow? It's, well, it depends the
R in which you ask me that question, the response
that I will give you, but it's really nice to
see you. It's so good to run into an old flame.
Goodness me. Can I say that? You're wearing a
collar now. Hey, hey, God's love is in all of
us, yeah? Was the breakup that bad? I thought
we ended on pretty decent terms. Sorry, I'm kind
of like jumping straight into it. No, it's totally
cool. It's so great to see you. How's your mum?
She's good, yeah. Still knocking about. I send
her checks now and then. She's not working so
much anymore. It turns out that playing drums
in a Christian rock band and doing weddings and
so forth in a small town, it really pays the
bills. That is the most... Beautiful man any
of yous have ever seen in your life, right? It's
not just the collar. I would have thought a shock
of hair would look odd. But on him, it was incredible.
I don't know if there should be a halo above
him already, but my lord. So you're here just
on holiday or for work? Well, kind of for a hobby.
And then we lied for a bit and said it was for
work. And then we've got entangled in this kind
of thing. Do you still speak Irish? Yeah, yeah.
As you well know, I learned it to come over here.
It turns out nobody speaks it. I thought that
was very endearing. Because you even learned,
not even like recent Irish. I learned it all.
Yeah. You really committed. That's what I do,
Maddy. Yeah, I mean, you committed to me, now
you've committed to God, I guess. It's not in
a bad way. It's less of a... Just surprised.
It's a partnership between me and the big man,
you know what I'm saying? I feel what he wants
me to do in my soul. Did you date anyone else
before the priesthood, or...? No, you were my
last. Oh, God. Okay. So, what's your interest
in Irish? So, me and my friends slash milk trainee
fellows... Are they all guys? What has that got
to do with it? They're looking at us. Wave, wave.
We see three men waving. I think I should give
him a nod. Is that a little robot he has in a
papoose? I stole him yesterday, but don't tell
the big man. Oh, plugging my ears for you, Maddy.
No problem. So this Irish, your companions are
here on a hobby, partially work. Yeah, it's kind
of become a bit of a, I guess, almost a scavenger
hunt. And then part of that has involved us getting
this book and there's some Irish in it and there's
diagrams and there's some Ogham in it. And I
kind of got bits and pieces of that, but we've
kind of hit a wall with it. So we thought, you
know, happy coincidence. We came here. There
is a fair on. Like, this is a lovely little way
to spend the afternoon. Heck yes. Yeah, we thought
we'd run into some people who also properly speak
Irish, but it turns out it's yourself. Well,
it would be my honour to try and translate it
for you if you have it handy. Oh, yeah, one of
the guys, or the robot has it right now. These
are the guys, by the way. Oh, hi. Hi. This is
Jonathan. This is the book? Yes. Oh, there's
the book. Let's have a look here. Huh. This page
here? No, the next, sorry, ten more pages in.
Sorry. The one that says about the gullet. Sorry,
go back one, go back one. The gullet one. Yeah,
we've written bone, we've written bone on the
side of it. No, you passed on to the next one.
Oh, there, no, sorry, there. It's very impressive
that you got, what was that, bone and boar and...
Gullet. Gullet. Venom 2. Interesting. Thanks,
Clary. I can... Believe in yourself. I can certainly
do my best to flesh out the rest for her. You
could bring a man back from the cloth. I don't
want to do that. I'm kind of okay doing my own
thing at the moment. You're on holiday. Well,
do whatever you want. It was bone that bore her
from marrow once soaked in hatred. Split open
by the arrogance of man, she spilled into the
lake. A worm in nothing but name alone. A mountain
of scale and shadow. mother to all that coils
beneath the earth. The land remembers her breath,
venom in the wells, ash in the grass, cattle
in their thousands and the screams of vanished
children. The rivers wept red, not from war,
but from hunger. Saints could not sanctify her.
Even holy men found her belly before they found
escape. She is the gullet of myth, the chasm
that dreams of swallowing gods. Banishment did
not slay her. She sleeps instead beneath the
lock. In time, the moon will once more disappear.
The blood will boil. The silver dull. Yes, in
time, another will call her name. Sound about
a worm, I guess. I mean, yeah, it feels a bit
riddly. There's a summoning ritual here next
to it as well, and beneath that, a binding ritual.
This worm takes children? Well, from what I can
glean here, this is about an ancient beast. Wait,
stop your beautiful mouth. Have you... Look at
another photo. Could you look at another photo?
It would be my pleasure. Have you seen this boy?
No. No, you don't have to answer that. Well,
no, I haven't, but... I can ask the Lord to keep
an eye out for him. Sorry, Maddy. Thank you so
much. So, this poem appears to be about a creature,
an ancient creature called the Kurano. It's a
legendary beast. I suppose you'd classify it
as some kind of worm or dragon, maybe. They're
said to inhabit numerous lakes and rivers across
the land. Now, the summoning ritual here... It
says it needs to be performed beneath a new moon.
Well, it's been cloudy for the last few days,
so we don't know when that's going to be. Well,
I mean, that would track with the behaviour of
the two kids. What do you mean? They did it a
few weeks ago, right? Yes, by accident, perhaps.
So we need to go back and ask them how long ago
they did it? Well, how about we let the father
here complete... sentence before we look at the
weather report. That's fine, yeah, sounds good.
Sorry, Jonathan. The summoning ritual requires
a vessel of water drawn from the loch before
dawn, a thigh bone scorched with ash, hawthorn
branches formed into a spiral, willing blood
from animal or man, and chalk mixed with bog
iron to inscribe the circle. Sounds like a load
of nonsense to me, but if this is what your hobby
is, fair enough. All right, Jesus boy. Jesus
boy. We need him for the next bit, and then we
can say whatever we like about him. It's fine.
We ended on good terms, right? So far, so good,
Maddy. And he is a man of the cloth. Do show
him the respect. Thank you, stranger. And he
is the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, so please.
Can you stop saying that, Clary? Thank you. What
about the binding ritual? Well, the binding ritual
is similar, but a little less involved. Also
to be performed beneath a new moon, beside natural
water where no church bell is heard. Well, that
is... Well, I suppose these are very old. Yes,
the ash bark soaked in lake water. A mirror.
Three drops of venom from any serpent. A brazier
fed with peat and sheep's wool. And a voice of
lament. There's some instructions beneath here
as well. This is mad. That is an absurd list
of things you're asking from us here. Well, it
seems like the boys, we know at least that they
were waving a stick around. That could have been
the Hawthorne branch, so... No, but we don't
care about what they've done, right? Well, we
need to know what they've done to understand
how to undo it. Well, we know what they've done.
They've done the summoning ritual, so we can
ignore that bit and move right to the binding.
But do we believe that this is what's happened?
Do we believe this is what's happened to the
turnips? There was something under the ground.
To the horse? It's this or the fucking robots.
I would just, based on the poem, it seems like
the actions taken by this creature would be far
more severe than a dozen turnips. Do you guys
need a sidebar or something? It's odd that you're
speaking about this while I'm just standing here.
No, you stand there. Um, Toland? Actually, so
we can see you just, like, come into the circle?
If you still need to do setup, that's totally
fine. I do need to finish tuning my snail. Well,
okay, how about we'll all let you finish the
binding ritual. Or are you finished? Well, I've
told you the materials required. Now, the instructions
are fairly simple. Begin as the last light phase
with the brazier lit and a mirror placed beside
it reflecting the fire. Place the ash bark into
the brazier. Drip the serpent's venom onto the
fire and recite Bone of Beast, Hand of Man. What
was released shall now return, sleep again in
blood -stained brine. Someone must then sing
their lament. No words, only grief. Omnibot's
transcribing all of this. This wail opens the
veil. As they wail, pour a ladle of lake water
onto the fire. If the smoke rises black, the
Kurana listens. If it rises white, she resists.
Take the mirror and hold it up to the water's
surface. If her reflection forms, say, mother
of monsters, child of marrow, by blood and bone,
by saint and sword, I bind thee. Return to sleep
beneath the red lake. Smash the mirror into the
brazier. Do not look at the water. I'm going
to go back to the fisherman and just ask him,
because he's nautical and stuff, if he knows
when the next moon is. He would have seen the
stars and stuff while he was away. Maybe not,
Cloudy. Hey, guys. Back again. I will give you
all of the money in my wallet for one of your
fares, but I don't need to go in the fare. I
just need to know when the next moon is. The
next... Well, it's the same moon. Full moon.
Full moon. Well, the next full moon. Or an eclipse.
Well, I know when the next new moon is, for sure.
Right. That's tonight. Do we need a full moon
or a new moon? Let's go back to... I think the
two of us never left, Jonathan. And what about...
What about no moon? That never happens, brother.
No, but the moon is completely... I can't remember
the term. That's what a new moon is, yeah. That's
what a new moon is. Is that tonight? That's tonight.
Oh, we're fucked. We've run back to them and
relayed this information. Was it a new moon or
a full moon we needed? I'm in the middle of saying
to Jonathan, do you still have my purple jumper
or did you give it away? You know, Maddy, as
a priest, I can't lie. He just walks off. Is
it a new moon? After those two ran off, Dolan
went to a corner shop to get a newspaper which
has the weather and moon cycles in it. Dolan
knows for certain that it is a new moon. Can
you check if there's any natural water on the
farm? Check the drawing. There's none. There's
none. And there's a church quite nearby as well.
In fact, the irrigation's terrible. The island,
did you want to go there? No, it was just whenever
there was mention of water, I was like, oh, cool,
the lake has been very heavily alluded to. Maybe
that's the source of water. I mean, looking at
the notes, we do seem to have to... The lake
seems to be heavily involved in the show. We
have enough exposition that's pointing lakewards.
It feels impossible to do without the lake. Why
are you trying to avoid the lake? I just don't
think it's the lake. I just, I think we go back
to the farm. You thought Decky was called Derek.
Yeah, but I'm trying to think, like, I think
we need to go back to the farm. It all started
at the farm. I just, my gut instinct tells me,
and I realize it's been wrong a few times in
this one, but you gotta trust me. I think. Okay,
Clary, we've trusted you with your plan for us
all to be milk apprentices. It worked surprisingly
well. Now you'd have to trust us. And our gut
says the lake is involved on the basis that we
have a massive tome stating that the lake is
involved. And we went through a large amount
of effort and got a priest involved to verify
that the lake is involved. Also, if you go back
to that farm, you will be shot. We can take a
vote. Okay, the five of us are going to vote.
The robots included. The robot votes with me,
FYI. Yeah, that's fine. Are we going to the lake?
I'll say aye. Aye? Yeah, great answer. Oh shit,
it's three to two. The robot voted against me.
This is a worrying development. Can someone else
papoose him for a while? I don't feel comfortable
with this. I'll take him back for a bit. Clary,
use him down. Use him down. Just trust us on
this. Okay. How about this? I'll get your hot
dog. He knows you're my friend. He won't give
you one. We're going to cut to your montage.
Our agents scar the town fair. gathering the
stuff they need for their own ritual. Clary chases
a sheep before yanking some wool off its back.
Matty jimmies the wing mirror off of a car. Dolan
has a lovely chat with a fella who's brought
a bunch of animals down for the kids to hold.
You know the type, they've got a few spiders
and lizards and maybe a rabbit. Anyway, he manages
to barter with the guy for some snake venom.
No idea why he was carrying it around. The less
we know about that, the better. Gideon haggles
with one of the junior hurling team to give him
one of the spare hurls, because they're made
of ash. Don't you know? With the rituals in tow,
our gang meet up again. Holding a bunch of stuff.
Right, well, I already gave all my money to the
lake guy to get the information for the moon.
So one of you is going to have to pay him for
the boat. You ready to jump on board? Do you
have any, like, life jackets? I've got a couple
of cool jackets. None that save your life in
most scenarios, but you guys strong swimmers?
With this robot. Oh, with this robot on you,
you need to be careful. You need to drop him
if we go over, because he will drag you down.
Yeah, I'll put my vest on me first before I put
it on. I'm not a strong swimmer. I'll hold on
to the robot. You don't touch the robot. All
aboard. Oh, you're not using the boat. It doesn't
work? No, trying to get into shape. Okay, sorry.
You're looking all right. You want a hug? You
want to jump on one of the other? You could maybe
sit behind me and wrap your arms around me and
we could row together. I'm a happily married
man. I'll do you one better. Here's some milk
for your gains. That is not very helpful at all,
but thanks, I guess. There's a lot of protein
in that. Is there? Yeah. Like, actually, is there
protein in milk? Yeah. Clary, what do you think's
in milk? What are you talking about? Milk is
a protein -dense liquid. It's mainly dairy. You
know, it's like calcium and fat. Yeah, of course
it's dairy, but there's also other things inside
of it. Yeah, there's some protein. Like fat.
Milk is a fairly protein -heavy drink. I don't
think that's factual at all, no. You guys are
insane. I'm the milk man here. This is a wild...
How far do we have to go here? Maybe like...
They approach the banks. Thank God. Thank God.
The island itself, it's very small and pretty
unremarkable. There's wee tufts of reeds that
line the banks before they thin out as a small
mound rises up in the middle of the landmass.
The ground is that proper, like, claggy mud that
sucks on your boots. You disembark the boat,
so you're all standing on this island with a
bunch of stuff you found at a town fair. What
are yous gonna do? Well, this seems like a pretty
appropriate place to light that fire. Well, hold
on now. We need to wait till the last light fades.
Yeah, but we can light the fire. No, I don't
think so. Begin as the last light fades. Yeah,
that's for the brazier. We can have the fire
going and then we light the brazier. How are
we supposed to light the brazier at night? As
soon as that light goes, that's a moment. We
can't light a fire and light a brazier from that.
In one go, I think we're allowed to have the
fire going. Who brought the brazier? I have it
here. Good. Good stuff. Set it down. Set it down.
I'm going to dig a little hole. Like a teeny
tiny... I'm just going to shove it into the earth
so it sticks up, right? I'm going to... Just
hold that one second. I'm going to dig it out
with my milk bottle. They're strong. They're
sturdy. Do you want my lighter? What? Do you
want my lighter? No, not yet. Someone start building
the fire. Dolan, you want to collect some...
Some firewood? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make sure
the ash is soaked in the lake water as well.
Yeah, that's all right. We all have the same.
We all have Omnibot's notes. We all know what's
going on. I'll go down to the lake edge. You
got the wing mirror? Yeah, me and Birdie have
the wing mirror. Did you bring the snake? I brought
the venom. I would love to have met a snake.
We can see it on the way back. No, no, the guy's
gone. Oh, the fair is only one day. Yeah. Oh.
I mean, Pennington's a guy that definitely would
be gone. Shit, I missed Jonathan's second set.
His first set wasn't very good. But were the
drums good? No. Maybe the God stuff is just bringing
him down. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry. Look, his calling may be the cloth,
but it's certainly not the drums. The sun is
going down. Yeah, well, we're all here. We're
waiting for it. It's being pretty slow. I'm still
entirely convinced this will do anything. Well,
we'll just give it a try. We'll just give it
a try. There are weird things happening. Right.
What do we think the last light means? Like,
it's feeding. Do we need it? Like, is there a
split second moment? Oh, fuck. Okay. All right.
An immersed place behind a brazier? Yeah, okay.
Yeah, okay. Just... I'm just reading through
it. No, just... I am placing the ash bark into
the brazier. You got the venom? Yep. I'm dropping
the venom onto the fire. Bone of beast, hand
of man, what was released shall now return. Sleep
again in bloodstained brine. All right, Claire,
that's your cue. You begin to hear a low rumble
in the distance. It grows. Can I have an awareness
roll from the earliest? Oh, a one. Oh! Everybody
else as well. Chosen. A natural one. One? Oh,
shit. 36. Dolan and Clary, as the last syllables
leave Dolan's mouth, both of your heads turn
round to see a disturbance in the water heading
straight for the island. Once it comes in contact
with the shore, it disappears momentarily, before
a path of churning earth winds its way towards
you. Suddenly, bursting from the mud, you see
what seems to be a girthy earthworm about the
size of a sleeping bat, with patchy hair poking
out in tufts from its dirt -caked body. Concentric
rings of teeth, but some of them are missing,
lie in the beast's mouth. Imagine like a tapeworm,
but with male -pattern baldness. It lunges towards
Clary. What do yous do? What do yous do? I dive
into Clary and I knock him out of the way of
the worm. 35. It's not enough. Gideon leaps,
but he misses. He bangs into Clary and then falls
in the mud. No! He screams. He just screams.
Lament, Chloe. Lament. I said we shouldn't have
went here. I said it. No words, only grief. I'm
sorry. I'm too angry to be. Just wail. Just wail.
Chloe punches you in the nose again. Wail, Chloe.
Oh, wait, no. Gideon wails in pain. Gideon, you
gotta wail with grief. Ah! Ah! Hold on. Dolan
has it here. He grabs a stick and smashes the
robot. No! No! Bernie! I'm just giving you a
name! No words! Dolan, what the actual fuck,
man? The big worm leaps at Clary because he didn't
get pushed out of the way. No! No! This thing...
leaps through the air and clamps onto your forearm.
You know, up to the elbow. Gets your whole arm
in its mouth. How dare you take children from
their fathers and he punches it in the eye. And
you take 12 damage. You feel blood coursing out
of your arm. And this thing is locked on. Mother
of monsters, how do you feed losing children?
What are you doing, Maddy? I think I'm trying
to wield the mirror as a weapon. Maddy swings
a mirror at this thing. 94. It's a swing and
a miss, unfortunately, from Matty. No! How did
you miss a huge fucking monster? It's a very
small mirror. I go on my arm. I scream at Gideon,
keep wailing as I try and pour the lake water
onto the fire. Dolan takes a solitary deep breath
before grabbing that ladle. and pouring that
water on the fire. Gideon, keep wailing. Look
at your dead robot son and wail. He's being gripped
alive. This big old worm is wiggling and jiggling
all over Clary's arm. He's waving it around like
a big flag. I rip the metal dead serrated arm
of my beautiful robot son and I use it to slice
Clary's arm. When I bring that serrated arm down,
I do so not with might, but with the power of
medicine. That's right. I'm going to try and
medically remove Clary's right arm. What? 23?
You hear an indescribable squelch as this tiny
robot's arm cleave straight through Clary's meat
and bone. Why wouldn't you go for the worm? I'm
sorry, I panicked. I thought the worm would be
immovable. The worm thuds to the ground, sated
temporarily by a full arm of a grown man. You
lose another ten. Eight points. I can't be much
left. But you're bleeding a lot. Eight points.
It's the fire out. Fuck the fire's out. I can't
even stand it. A wisp of black smoke. Rises from
the fire. Whatever this creature is. Turns. And
seems momentarily distracted. Clary bleeds. A
lot. Give me a medicine roll. Get away from me!
Get away! Shh, shh, shh. Bad. 97. You pull off
your belt and try to wrap it round his arm. It's
his neck. Maddy, you've got to take the mirror
to the lake. Okay, I'll let the water look at
itself. Is that all you've got? Do you remember
the words? Mother of monsters, child of marrow,
by blood and bone, by sin and sword, I bind thee,
returning to sleep, beneath the red lake. Maddy
throws the mirror at the brazier. Do not look
back at the water, remember. No, I'm looking
at the ground. I'm looking at my feet. This thing
slithers backwards towards the water's edge.
Don't let it get away. A chunk of meat flopping
out of its big old mouth. I'm going to make a
grab for Clary's arm. I feel responsible. I feel
responsible. I have to try. Give me an agility
roll. Oh boy, this needs to be good. Leave it.
Leave it. Don't bring that worm by. Nope. It
gets sucked down into the gullet of this thing
and it disappears from view. Clary's moaning
on the ground. Clary, let's staunch our wounds
against each other. What happened to you? I tried
to help. Looking now, Gideon seems to have lost
a finger. The sun now set. Our agents are able
to gather around their fallen comrade and wrap
a bunch of tourniquets around that arm. I told
you I didn't want to come here. We use the papoose
to tourniquet? The papoose. My boy! I go to Omnipot.
A feeble sign of electronic life is in his eyes.
I see a horrible vision of death in his little
glassy orb. No! I can't say. I could possibly
say. I can't say. I can't say. What did you see?
I can't say. Did you see my boy? Not your boy.
Why did you aim for the worm, man? I panicked.
I thought the worm was... Why did you aim for
the worm? I thought the worm was going to gobble...
I thought the worm was... It was. It was going
to gobble me up. I grabbed one of the milk bottles
from his belt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just take
a sip of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?
What is it? I just had a little recorder deep.
Yeah, he'll get this. We fade to black. as Clary's
one remaining arm falls limp after handing over
the tape, milk pouring over his unconscious lips.
Three days later. We're back in the bar. We see
our three agents and a half -broken robot sitting
in White's tavern. Mervyn and Assumpta are sitting
at a wee circular table just opposite them. Good
lord! You lost a finger! Three glasses of milk,
please. Where's the potion? Four glasses of milk,
please. Sorry, the milkman. I do not wish for
a glass of milk. I understand the symbolic gesture,
but... Just take the fucking milk. Just don't
drink it. It's unpasteurised. That's fine. It's
what he would have wanted. I don't think it is.
He complained often. I didn't know him that well.
Let's call it spite milk. He wouldn't have liked
that either. I know. Here, hold on a wee second.
Spite milk? Doesn't matter. Now there's something
in that, Mervyn. There's something in that. I'm
going to make a drink. Called a Spite Milk. I
don't think he would have liked any of this.
No, I feel bad. We're not honouring him well.
What would he have liked? He would have liked
us to find his son. Yeah. I have the tape. Can
we get a more prominent picture of his son? Omnibot.
Can you play this? Okay, Omni... He's dead. I
had just started calling him Birdie. Okay, I'm...
It doesn't matter. I'm sorry, but... Birdie,
would you... He'll show you. Brody? He's part
of the crew. Can you play this, Brody? Okay,
you can do this. You can do this. Okay. Hey,
CJ. It's Dad here. If you're listening to this,
then I guess I'm not there with you now. And
if I'm not there, I just want you to know that
I never stop looking for you. My boy. My sweet,
brilliant boy. I love you with all my heart.
I love you more than milk, son. Oh, that was...
That was something. More moving than I thought
that fellow was capable of. Well... That man
had a plight. I reckon this wee bot here has
to stay with us now, in the pub. The other arm.
It wasn't the one that served drinks, was it?
I believe one of the arms transcribed ancient
Irish texts and the other one served drinks.
This robot can do three things. This is why we
wanted him to be part of the crew. Have you seen
the wanted posters in town? Dylan still wants
his robot back. I'm really anxious for what happens
when he finds out it's missing an arm. We're
not going to send you back to Spars Hollow anytime
soon. If you send me back to Spars Hollow for
the next mission, I swear to God. That was a
goddamn bloodbath. No, you're not going back.
Look, but you held your own. I've got to say,
you were very impressive. I mean, the worm did
not do that much damage, I would argue. It killed
one of your pals. It killed a man. No, it bit
someone's arm and then the arm was... Severed.
No, don't make it sound like Gideon. Don't blame
Gideon. I'm going to blame him a little bit.
No, don't. Blame me. Thank you. Break my nose
a third time, won't you? No, a third time? I
only broke it once. Did I break it twice? No,
it was broken twice. It was broken twice. Okay.
Look, I'm not blaming you entirely. That was
one of Clary's last actions. With that arm, yeah.
Here's those milks. Thanks. I'm absolutely not
drinking that. Jesus Christ, that's foul. Well,
if none of you will drink this unpasteurised
milk as a symbolic gesture, then I will... I
immediately feel unwell. I have to go now. I
have to shit myself. And credits. this wee story,
our heroes have now officially become knuckles
upon the mighty fist that is the OSNA. Join us
next time as we continue our fight against fright.
Stay vigilant out there, unless you want to find
yourself in the bad articles. to welcome you
back to Rathgool for our next otherworldly investigation.
The Bad Articles is created by J .R. McCormick
and Aidan Kelly. It is produced at Felburn Studios
by the wonderful Clark Phillips. Starring Conleth
McVeigh as Clary Postman the Milkman, Laura Conlon
as Maddie Murphy, Patrick Meyer as Dolan Gibbons,
and Niall McKenna as Gideon Hubble. If you've
enjoyed the bad articles, we encourage you to
spread the word by telling your friends about
the show. We can do all the marketing in the
world, but nothing beats your pal telling you
to check out something cool. If you'd like to
discuss anything related to the bad articles
with other fans and those of us who make the
show, we have a Discord community where you can
do just that. And if you want to support the
show further, you can head over to our Ko -fi
and drop us a little tip to help keep the lights
on and the cast warmed. Improvisers are notoriously
chilly people. You can find links to everything
you need in the show notes. My name is JR McCormick,
and I will see you on the other side.