Last time on The Bad Articles, four new recruits
were sworn into the Rathgool chapter of the OSNA
and sent out to investigate their first case.
Stick around to find out what happens next. Unless
you're a coward, of course. Since the dawn of
time, Ireland has played host to unimaginable
horrors, ushered in through an ever -weakening
veil between our world and the other side. They
live among us. Shaping our mythology. Sowing
chaos. Scaring the shit out of people. Not all
hope is lost. Underfunded, undergunned and underappreciated.
The OSNA stand proudly in the way of unchecked
otherworldly chaos. This secret network of brave
volunteers put their lives and their sanity on
the line. All for a better tomorrow. Have you
ever gotten a paper cut while reading a book
and it was one of those stingy bastards that
doesn't stop bleeding? And then you notice your
husband's eyes light up like a Christmas tree
and he started licking his lips and all, but
not in like a sexy way, more like a dog looking
at a roast chicken and it just gave you weird
vibes? You better call the OSNA before you find
yourself in the bad articles. So, we join our
agents just pulled up outside Lenehan Farm. It's
just outside the town of Spars Hollow. You're
travelling down a country road flanked by rolling
green fields with the smell of cow shit in the
air. You arrive at a crossroads where two little
dirt paths lead off from the main road. On the
right side of the road you see a turnip -shaped
sign saying Lennon on it, with an arrow pointing
towards the house in the distance, set against
an overcast sky. Up the little path, which you'll
need to traverse on foot, you get a closer look
at a whitewashed block of a building. It has
a thatched roof and a set of green stable doors.
To the left of the building, there's a large
crop field, but a closer look will tell you that
the crops in this field have been severely damaged.
To the right of the house is a barn, with a small
stable off to the side. As you get closer to
the house, you see a crouched figure beneath
the hawthorn tree. It's a woman. She's laying
memorial flowers on the ground. From out of the
barn emerges another figure, a man. A gruff,
stubborn, grumpy looking man. But he's carrying
a tray of drinks, brown lemonade, with a few
ice cubes dancing around in the glasses. Both
are wearing coveralls and move a little closer
to each other upon noticing four strangers on
their land. What are they going to do? What are
our agents going to do? I think, just let me
go up to them. Everybody trust the milkman. Let
me schmooze them a little. Everybody trusts a
milkman. Are you sure? Are we in agreement that
of the four of us... Let me go up. No, but he
has a point because he is a milkman. Look, everybody
trusts a milkman. What I need you to do, Clarry,
is bring some milk. You can't just walk up and...
Yeah, no. I'm not going to... Don't tell me how
to be a milkman. No, the way that you said it,
you said you were just going to walk up and everyone
trusts a milkman, therefore you're just going
to go be your lovely, happy self. He's looking
at us. He's looking at us. Everyone's smiling.
Say that we're shadowing you. That's great. That's
terrible. No, that's not what milkmen do. Milkmen
don't shadow each other. Well, only if you ask.
You live and learn on the job. You die on the
job. They would know that right away. They're
on a farm. Stop shouting at us. They can see
you shouting at us. Get some milk, go up, and
then we'll kind of hang out. And then if it's
mentioned, just be like, oh, yeah, trainees.
All right, fine. If they ask about you, that's
what I'll say. We will ask because we heard most
of that Aye Aye How are you? Clarry Postman. I'm
a milkman. How are you? Are you satisfied with
your dairy daily requirements? We do live on
a farm, so we have, you know, we have a cow.
I was under the impression this was a turnip
farm. You're saying you have your own supply.
We've got a cow. What are you talking here? We're
not just growing turnips, like. So what are we
talking here? You get a gallon from that cow,
you get two gallons from it, unpasteurized, whole,
what are we talking here? Have you ever known
a cow to produce pasteurized milk? Well, I'm
saying, yeah, so you don't have the economy of
scale to get pasteurized milk. That's what I'm
saying I can do for you. If you need more interest
in milk, you need more varieties, you know. Personally,
I would keep it safe. I would keep it whole milk,
but, you know. It's the fact that he said it
was going to be safe makes me feel like it's
not. Aye. It seems a wee bit suspect. No, what
I'm saying is, you know, these... No, I don't
agree with, you know, the semi -skimmed, the
fully skimmed. You know, they're the unsafe one.
Now, people can get them, but I wouldn't use
good, honest, hard -working folk. I would not
put yous in any danger of having some, what I'm
going to call, lesser milks. And the safety is
just simply for you. Now, let's see if Clarry's
social skills are up to much muscle. A little
wry smile creeps across the face of this farmer.
So, uh, what kind of, uh, what kind of prices
are you talking here then? You know, this is,
this is something that we can work on to your
individual needs. How much milk you need, how
much milk you want. Now, personally, the big
companies, you know, these big companies, these
cost cutters and stuff, they're going to price
you out. But I can do you 49 cents. every two
litres, that would be two bottles. And I could
get that to you as many times a day as you want.
That's hard to beat. I don't deal with the money,
obviously, but, darling Francis, I don't really
understand why this is happening. Well, this
is clearly some entrepreneurial milkman who's
just going door to door trying to drum up some
business. Is that what this is? Look, I'm sorry.
We've had a bit of a stressful day here. That's
what I was thinking, you know, because I was
coming down here, as I say, just of my own volition.
I've got three trainees behind me. Hello. Very
nice to meet you. We were just, we were commenting
on the lovely farm and the lovely pictures of
turnips. And then I just noticed that the turnips.
I'm not saying it's your fault, but they look
like someone's had some sort of nefarious...
No, not someone. Francis. No. Look. It's that
fella over there. It's Decky. It's not Decky.
It's always Decky. It can't be Decky. It can't
always be Decky, Francis. It's always been Decky
as long as I can remember. Look. The turnips?
Aye. That wee fella across the road. I don't
know how he did it. But he got in here somehow
and he managed to tell my whole field. Right?
Not a single turnip remained. Why would he do
that? Because he's got it out for me. He's got
it out for me. The fair's tomorrow. I don't have
a single turnip to show at it. He knew that.
He wanted to humiliate me. That's unfair. If
I was going to the milk fair and I didn't have
a milk, you know, I'd be heartbroken. Is there
a milk fair? There is a milk fair. Once every
four years in Limerick. Like the World Cup? Like
the World Cup. This is more important. It's once
every four years in Limerick. No, it changes
town every day, every year in Limerick. It changes
town every day, every year in Limerick. Yeah,
what was hard to follow? It's there every four
years and it's on for four days and it changes
town every single day that it's on in that year
in Limerick. But it's always in Limerick. It's
always in Limerick. Town's in Limerick, right.
Well, Bernadette, I'm following it. I know exactly
what this man's talking about. Does anyone know
a brown lemonade? I'd love a brown lamb head.
That would be so nice. You're one across the
way. I also assume that he is competing in turnips
tomorrow. Is he showing turnips? You bet he is.
Yes, of course he is. That's sly dog. That is
sly. Now, listen to me. Don't be fuel on this.
You've only walked up this field. I understand
that you're new in town. This is a very heated
situation. But the feud between these families
goes back. Now, I married into the Lenehan family,
and Francis, I love you, but this is absolutely
outrageous. You cannot blame the McAnallys on
everything that goes wrong here. Sometimes an
act of God is just an act of God. Yes, I can.
That was in my vows. Yes, it was in your vows,
but I didn't know that it was going to impact
me this much. Day -to -day life, Francis. I just
want to live. I want to go to karate with my
friends. I want to go to the coffee shop. I want
to have a life. You know what I'm saying? You've
got a wonderful life here on this farm as long
as you don't cross the road and talk to them.
Jesus sake. You know fine well that me and Saoirse
are good, fast friends. And I'm not happy about
it. Sorry, Saoirse's your man's wife. She's all
right, but obviously there's something wrong
with her if she's willing to be with him. Look,
wait till I show you what they did to the field.
Come on. Oh, yeah, that's perfect, yeah. Thank
you very much. This is useless, Francis. What
are these four milk salesmen going to glean?
from looking at the field. Well, there are no
cows. Empathy, sympathy. So there's no grass
and mud. You're always telling us that the keys
to being a great milk salesperson is empathy
and sympathy. Yeah, understanding the ways of
life of the people that need your milk. It's
a very holistic approach to milk sales. It is
quite holistic, yeah. Well, they had to change
some things. Why? We haven't got to that bit
of the trading yet. But I'm looking forward to
learning and I'll let you know when I find out.
Look, the dark days of milk, milk salesmen, you
know, we can turn... Just like a normal man.
You know, the psyche of a milkman's no better
than the psyche of a normal man. One person just
took life too far. The fields, the fields. Ah,
yes, let me show you. Sorry, these trainees aren't
ready for that yet. No, I know, I know. I'm certainly
not ready for that. Anyway, look at the state
of this thing. The whole thing's churned up like
nobody's business. Now, in the brains. of our
agents. Some of them might have some gears turning.
Wonder if anyone might have the awareness or
the forensic knowledge or knowledge of certain
sciences. Maybe even social interactions. Or
did something supernatural happen here? Let's
see if any of them would be willing to see if
they know anything about what could have happened
here. I've got pretty good awareness. I can give
it a go. Could I use the science of dirt? You
can make an argument for the science of dirt.
That's no problem with me. I want to look at
the forensics of, like, if there's hooves or
footsteps and stuff. Ah. 36 under 60, so yes.
That's a good roll. I'm going to say it's the
craft of months. 48 under 80. Well, if there
was craft involved, then yeah. The craft of fields.
Yeah. Maddie, a strange thought runs through Maddie's
head. They want to know, when someone made this
field, did they make it in such a way that it
was unchurnable? But, strangely enough, all four
of them seem to notice the same thing. This field
was not churned by hand. From above, it seemed
that something underneath the earth has disturbed
it. I just rolled a 49 in supernatural, which
is below as well, if that helps. You might think,
that seems pretty weird and maybe a bit supernatural.
I do. I do think that's a bit weird and supernatural.
But these thoughts all run through your heads
internally. And none of yous know that each other
knows this yet. That's weird. So, Clarry... What's
weird? Hmm? What's weird? What's weird? You know,
I've just been looking here and I don't think
this was... Not weird. So, sorry, this is weird.
And you think that it's weird that it's not weird.
Yeah, I think you might be onto something, you
know. I don't think this was done. Do not feed
this man any further on his notions about Decky
McAnally, please. Look, if I may interject here.
By all means. Look, from everything you told
me, Decky sounds like a real bastard, all right?
I like you. Thank you. I like you too. Give me
that Brian Lemonade back. Give me a handshake
here. Yeah, yeah. Good handshake. That's a good
handshake. But you know what? And what I'm about
to say doesn't make Decky any less of a bastard,
but this looks like perhaps rodents, something
from below might have interfered with your turnips.
Ah, but you know you can train rodents, so who's
to say he didn't do that? Jesus. He didn't crawl
under the dirt himself, Francis, and do this.
Can I ask, if you've had this feud for... Years
and years. Generations. Generations. What do
you think, if not Deccy, who did this? What did
this? Act of God. Or maybe it was the fairies.
Don't you say that. You know, my mum, she would
not like you accusing the fairies or something.
So that's how you get them on to you in the first
place. Saying that the fairies are up to no good.
I've been leaving memorial flowers under the
hawthorn tree like I'm supposed to on our way
to sound. Right? If she's watching down on us
now, maybe she knows something. Maybe we can
ask her. Maybe. An act of God or an act of something
much closer to this earth. I'm sorry, who was...
What was her name again, sir? Margaret. Margaret.
I'm very sorry for your loss there. Thank you.
It was Frances's mother. She was into all of
this. I'm sorry about that. No, no, I know. I
appreciate that. Look, we've got a wee memorial
over there for her. It's very lovely. I'm sure
she would have loved it. My wife always leaves
wee flowers this time of year. You never leave
your mother flowers yourself. Oh, no, I'm colourblind.
I respect that, yeah. Yeah, and I just don't
have an eye for the arranging. I get that, yeah.
You know, I stick to one... Why get fancy with
your colours when you can stick to one clean
colour? You are just full of good ideas, Clarry.
Good liquid white, that's what I say. Back to
the milk. That's what I say, yeah. And you know
what? Because yous have done such a hard turn,
I'm willing to drop it down from 42 for those
two litres to 32. All right, it's 49 before.
Are you sure you want to do this? It doesn't
sound like you're making any money. Don't buy
chat! Don't buy chat! I heard it, I heard it.
We are butt trainees. Yes, of course, master.
Don't buy chat. Master. Is he like a milk master?
Is that your title? No, again. It's like a postmaster,
is it? No, no, there was one man who tried to
go for milk master, but again, his psyche broke.
And he did horrible, horrible things. And the
milk master we don't talk about. You're not ready
yet. We're not ready. So do a lot of milk men's
psyche break? Is that a common, is that a risk
of the profession? A milk man is no greater than
a normal person. And anyone's psyche can break.
And this just happened that, yes, one milk man's
psyche did break. He became the milk master.
But you're not ready for it. Does this man pay
you to follow him around? No, it's just a traineeship
at the moment. It's a probation period. I might
not stick with it. My perfect alibi has fallen
apart because obviously we should be paying you.
They're going to get suspicious now. Sorry, what?
Where does this deckie live? He lives up the
other dirt path at the bottom of the face. You
can see it from here. Stop pointing at him so
maniacally. Look, I like when he knows that I'm
pointing at him. He's not looking at you all
the time. He has his own stuff to do. Does he
also do turnips? Yes. And how are they? I haven't
been allowed to try one yet. And you never will.
They're disgusting. Dude, I'm sorry. Were you?
Oh, no. I was just going to say, look, we're
going to have to do our job. We're going to have
to go over there if you see us over there. But
I just want you to know. Our job of milk? Our
job of milk? Yep. We just want you to. Be very
sure we're going to give him a worse deal than
you. You shake on it? I'll shake on it right
now. You remember that 49 to 32? Well, let me
say, that offer's going to go in the other direction.
Yes, make him pay the difference that you're
giving us. All right. Yes, all right. That'll
keep you happy, will it? For now. Before our
agents leave this farm, Clarry gets a wee notion
in his head, and he just... cocks it over and
takes a wee dander over to that there tree. I
wonder if anything supernatural might have happened
around here. Maybe, maybe he knows something.
The woman at this farm, she did mention about
the veil thinning around the time of sound. So,
you know, fairies and stuff can come through,
all sorts of stuff. So, you know, there might
be something to it. Who knows? I'm going to leave
one of my bottles of milk. Oh, God. Plastic off.
It's just open to the world. Clarry leaves an
open bottle of milk on this mother's memorial.
And I say, Margaret Lennon, that's for you. Enjoy
it. That's free now. Your son paid 32 for this.
How do we feel about this? Should we tell them
there's a bottle of milk? It's going to attract
animals. It's going to attract something. I mean,
hopefully, you know, we'll be out of here and...
I just don't want... While the animals are on
the memorial, it seems disrespectful. So we have
to come back here when... I think milk is disrespectful.
Yeah, I think so too. Okay, well... I think,
you know what? When we're done with this, I might
just pop by and grab the bottle of milk on the
way out. I think that's for the best. Maybe we
can convince him to pour one out for the homies
and that way it's just... No. Well, that makes
it worse. That's much worse. That's so much worse.
I was relieved that he didn't pour it out on
the current memorial. That would have been terrible.
At this moment, Clarry returns to the three other
agents with a self -assured smile on his face,
knowing that he'd done something that he thinks
is respectful. Can I ask that you leave the cap
on? What do you mean? And the milk. Oh, well,
how would they get at it? You know, how could
Margaret? We don't know what she is. Silly question.
Ignore it. No, it's not a silly question. We're
here to learn. That was a lie. We're not here
to learn about it. We're here to learn about
everything. We're here to investigate the paranormal.
Exactly. We're here to learn. We're all in agreement.
Why are we arguing? You know we're not actual
milk trainees. I know that. None of you would
ever qualify. Okay, well, that's rude. All right,
I'm going to get in the car here. Why are you
getting in the car? We can just walk to the farm.
I'm getting in the car with Doolin. I want to
ask him about building surveillance. Yeah, and
I've got, like, tools in the back. I'm not slapping
him all over. You've got tools? Oh, yeah. What
kind of tools? I'll tell you in the car. All
right. So, Clarry... I appreciate you taking a
walk when we stroll. Yeah, I just wanted to check
in to see your thoughts on the... That's nice.
It's nice to have someone to check in. The robot
turnips? Hmm? The robot turnip theory? The robot
turnip theory. How are we feeling about that?
Because it did look... There were no turnips
there. So, I don't want to say they're not robot
turnips because, simply, we can't falsify that
information. So, right now, I'm not saying that
it's... Not robot turnips, but I don't think
so. Okay. But I don't want to, you know, leave
that option off the table. No, that's good. No,
I think that should still be considered for the
meantime. I just wanted to check in what your
thoughts were because, you know, that was what
your gut said and I was kind of rooting for you
to be right. It was just a flippant comment I
made. Again, it wasn't... No, totally, but it
would have been amazing if it was correct. We
still don't know, but it's nice that you're still
considering it. I'm glad you haven't, like...
Put yourself down and out. There's been nothing
to say that it wasn't robots. And now again,
I don't believe that it was robots, but there's
been nothing against robots, so I'm not rolling
it out. Well, don't disregard the robots either.
That's what I'm saying. We're in agreement again.
Why is everyone fighting my agreements? I'm not
fighting with you. I'm trying to get you to back
yourself more, man. I... Okay. On their way up
the path across the road from the first farm,
they notice that this land is almost an identical
mirror image to the Lenehan farm. As they reach
the top, they see that the only real notable
difference is the shade of green on the stable
door. Right then, the bottom part of the door
opens and you hear a man cursing behind the top
bit that's still closed. He can't quite manage
to get it sorted so instead he just ducks and
crawls under it. Marching towards them is a man
with a striking resemblance to Francis Lennon
and he's been tailed closely by a woman and she
is being sheepishly followed by a teenage boy
wearing a Soundgarden t -shirt because this is
1993. Hello, hello. Welcome to McAnally Farm.
Now listen, not sure what yous are here for.
The town fair's tomorrow. And I can't wait. Yes,
love, I know. We're going to smash it. We're
going to smash it. We're here for milk. For you
to have milk. We're apprentices in milk. We're
not apprentices. We're apprentices in milk. But
he's the milk master. So we're here to offer
milk. Oh my God, an actual milk master? Well...
Actually, that term is quite outdated right now
because I don't know if you know the lore of
milk, but a milk master is actually a dangerous
being because he's a man whose psyche has broken
because of the liquid gold that he's consumed
all of his life, you know? Like just coursing
through his veins, it's like liquid gold? Yeah,
it's a terrifying prospect. You do not want to
be excited to meet a milk master, let me tell
you, and I am not one. Well, that's marvellous
news. That you're not. Aye. Now, we're all lactose
intolerant in this family, so we don't partake
in the liquid gold, did you call it? Aye, liquid
gold. Liquid white, if you prefer. But... Is
liquid white not what they call TPEX? I don't
know. It might be. It might be. There's many
things that's white and liquid. I wouldn't rule
it out. How rude of me. Anyway, my name's Saoirse.
Saoirse, nice to meet you. Yes, Deccy. Deccy
McAnally. Did I hear mention of a fair tomorrow?
Yes, town fair. Oh, excellent. The Diamond at
Sparrows Hollow will be doing a show for the
turnips. I do turnips every year. I do them all
year, really. But it's the one time a year I
get to show them. It's a marvellous day, a truly
marvellous day. There'll be games and all sorts.
Is it like you're showing them in competition
or just showing them off? Oh, there's a competition,
all right. Oh, lovely. You get the big ribbon.
Like agility and stuff. Yeah, like you lead them.
Like a dog fair. Yeah, with the little ramps.
Sorry, it was a joke. It was a, it was, it was,
it's fine. Don't worry, I got it. She's a, she's
a right, right comedian there. She's just who
she is. Dac, you seem tense. No, not at all.
Never been looser. I did my yoga this morning
and I've had four coffees, so I'm firing on all
cylinders. Well, I'm glad to hear that. Now,
can I ask what... I told you to stop after two.
You're never going to sleep? One day, love. One
day. Now... What are you people doing in my land?
Well, although you're lactose intolerant, we
were over with what I believe is your fierce
rivals over there, selling them milk. No, they're
not our rivals. He's a fucking maniac, that man.
Come on! But he told me that you wouldn't want
any milk, so I thought I would come over and
make sure that you got this offer yourself. Well,
it pains me to say that this is perhaps one time
that Francis Lennon was correct. Apologies if
I may have retched while saying that. I understand.
He's a horrible man, and he puts the blame on
this house for everything. If the sky turns grey,
it's my fault. I can understand what it must
be like to live without the ambrosia of the fields.
Can you? I don't want to think about it, but
here as milkmen, we teach empathy and sympathy,
so I understand how hard it must be in your line
of work to not be able to enjoy the sweet nectar
of the udder. Also, equally to that, I understand
that you might not partake in milk in the traditional
sense, but we find that with some of our customers,
there's been a real uptick in a trend of purchasing
spiked milk. Spiked milk? Yeah, the offer was
so good that you couldn't possibly resist it.
It would be foolish to turn down this offer.
Sorry, the offer that we gave Francis was actually
very bad. I see. Because we knew he was a man
who didn't know his milk. So the offer for him
was actually very bad. It was a bad offer for
him. Francis got screwed over by us, is what
we're saying. Fair play to you. Fair play to
you. But what exactly would you do with spiked
milk? You can just have it. Just keep it? Yeah,
and then whenever the time comes, you can just
pour it down the drain. No, I'm sorry. I've got
to stop you. No, you don't just pour milk down
the drain. What if they can't have it? Well,
if they can't have it, they don't deserve it.
No, you just don't have milk sitting out. Clarry,
breathe. Clarry, breathe. Can I interject here
for a moment? I believe to first tomorrow, have
you considered entering the baking competition?
Well, I don't personally do any baking. Saoirse's
fierce good at it herself. Now, she does all
sorts. She does pottery. I'm sure you do. Look,
we've got the best milk there is. I can assure
you any cake you make will sweep the competition.
Just get a bottle or two. Well, try it out. You
know, I can sell a few. You don't have to eat
them. I'll make you your special ones. No, I
think... Don't say that in front of him. Dick,
I'll make you a trade. I'm interested. I'll fix
that stable door for you. And you, Dick... A
bottle or two of our fine, fine milk for cakes
or for spite or for whatever you see fit. No,
they're not going to be for spite though, are
they? When tropical fruit first made it to this
part of the world, people didn't eat it. They
put it on their mantelpiece. Fucking idiots didn't
eat it. And what came? Rats. It's a class thing.
Rats. It's status. It's having good quality product.
I'm saying our product is good quality. I'll
just have a look at this door over here. I like
this. Patriots work things out. What was your
name? My name. is Gideon Hubble. That's a superb
name. Thank you. Yes, and you say that you know
how to fix this door. Well... I'll tell you what,
I'll grab the tools for my car, which I'm glad
I drove here now. Are we going to do it together?
Oh, yeah. You know what, Dylan? Two -man job
is what I can sell. Thanks, Dylan. You know what's
interesting? Together, the two farms here, yours
and the Lenehan's, they've been together for
your entire bloodlines. Generations, yes. Oh,
then use both turnips. Yes, well, that's what
the field accepts. I've tried other things, but
it just gets spat out again. And now I'm sure
you noticed Deke. You're Deke, aren't you? Yes,
I am. I'm sure you noticed that Francis, he was
pointing at you an awful lot there while we were
over. He does. Now, I will say that's something
that I do as well. I'd point at him from time
to time, just if I'm feeling spiteful myself.
Of course. And I want to lay the blame on him
for something. Now, he knows. He's telling you
that I... that I tilled this field of hills.
I've seen it. I've seen the newspaper. The very
accusation, aye. Now, that's impossible. I'll
tell you for why. Oh, aye. In fact, I'll speak
to you. Come back from that door. I want you
to... Should we go over to the door while they're
fixing it? Not at all. To be honest, I went to
the door because it was just getting a bit tense.
Yes, can I help you? I want you all to hear this
and I want you to understand. Now, especially
now that you've mentioned that you understand
doors, this could be quite interesting. Now,
he knows himself that I till a field with a horse,
not with one of them machines like a coward,
right? Now, my horse is missing. There is no
way that I could have tilled that field. Not
one way. And let me tell you something else.
The lock on the door is still there. No signs
of forced entry. No signs of forced exit. If
you can tell me where the fuck my horse has gone,
I'll reward you with as many turnips as you can
eat. Could we... I don't want to... I saw your
nimble grace getting under the door. Would you
mind if I had a go going under that? Yes, you're
not going in my house. But you can look at the
stable. Where the horse lives. I don't want to
be in a lactose -free house. So the stables,
that's the one for me. Right over this way, door
person. That was yourself, Gideon? Yeah. Check
you that out. What do you make of that? Well...
Yeah, it looks like the lock's fine. But it should
be blasted open. All we need to do is just...
Doolin, hand me that. Can I do a craft check
on the door? You can, indeed. Thoughts rush through
Doolin's head. I know that's a solid door, and
it does not look at all like it's been tampered
with. Could I lock on it too? Now, in we get.
Inside, you see what looks like a normal stable.
But, as your eyes cast across it, I'd like to
know what yous all think regarding your awareness.
Or perhaps, maybe some survival, or use your
forensic eye. I failed my forensics while I was
looking at the ground trying to see if there
was anything under the ground. Clarry's looking
at the ground. That's good ground. I'm going
to use the powers of medicine to look for any
blood or viscera. There is the slightest fleck
of blood. Now, a normal eye would not have caught
this, but the eyes of an optometrist are highly
honed to changes in colour. And you noticed this
tiny little fleck on the ground. But as you trace
the direction of this fleck, you can see that
there's a little patch of sort of churned up
earth. Kind of like what you'd expect, you know,
on the beach. You know, when you see those wee
things, but a bit bigger. Is this tunnel the
size of a horse? Or this churned up piece of
earth the size of a horse? Not to get ahead of
myself. I will say, it doesn't look like a hole,
but it definitely looks like a sort of pile.
You could probably have pulled a horse through
that. My God. There you are. You see it for yourself.
The door was locked, closed. There's no way anyone
got in or out of here with my horse. Yep, that's
just good ground. It's good, solid ground. This
whole land is good, solid ground. Let me tell
you what I think, right? Francis Lennerton. Is
an absolute coward. And that man had all of that
stuff put in the newspapers himself. And he destroyed
his own crop. Because he knew that he would not
win at tomorrow's fair against the mighty McAnally's.
That is what I think. He sabotaged himself. May
I ask, what's the horse's name? Margaret. Thank
you. Interesting. Interesting. Margaret, like,
the bereaved? Oh, not the bereaved. The bereft.
Not the bereft. The dead. That's the one. The
deceased. The deceased. Lenehan? No. I'd forgotten
about that woman, yes. Was that her name as well?
Yeah, it's a common name. I'm sorry, can I ask,
did you name the horse after her? No, he named
it after his mother. Also called Margaret. Yes.
They could be best friends if they just talked.
Do you ever think you and the McAnally's might...
That's me. I'm a McAnally. Well, do you ever
think you and the Lennons, you might have more
in common than not? Get the fuck off my land.
All right, thanks for your time. Don't mention
that one of them looks like them. Don't mention
that. Just going to say, just going to say, horse
tunnel. Just think about it. I'll be in the car.
What? Excuse me? I wouldn't have said that a
year ago, but then I saw a man get bitten by
a black widow, his head swole to the size of
a pumpkin, and he died. No, I've, I've, I'm scared.
Are you? Do you all work in milk? Yeah, no, we
just have rich lives. Rich as this creamy milk.
Spiders can get in anywhere. Spiders can get
in anywhere. You'd be wise to remember that.
Anyway, horse tunnel. I'll be in the car. Why
did he give all the more backstory about the
story, but only say horse tunnel? That watermelon
thing was brand new information. I've got the
car keys. I don't know what he's hoping to do.
This won't open. This will not open. Oh, he's
really pulling on that. Ah, the boot. Stop shouting
at him. Just calm down. Right. Look, Ballycus
Angel's on. Yes. You know you like it. I love
it. I'll make you another coffee. A fifth? I
shouldn't, but I will. Another? Look, it's the
only thing that calms him down. It's counterintuitive,
but it works. Come on. Back to the house. Fine.
It was an experience to meet each of you. Hopefully
we'll see you at the town fair tomorrow. If you
come, please cast your vote for Mighty McAnally's.
Oh, one last thing before I leave. Here's a Withers
original for the kid. Thanks. Yeah. Oh, wait.
Did you eat that yourself? Yes. You're an awful
father. I'll be taking my leave now. I'll keep
an eye out for Margaret. It was nice to meet
you. Huddle. Huddle up. Our agents huddle in
a circle in this man's barn. Should I get Gideon
from the boot? No, we'll go out of the barn.
We'll huddle near the boot. All right. Oh, he
can't self -lock. All right, Gideon, calm down.
I'm opening the bit here. I will calm down. You
see, Clarry, we can calm down. Yeah, well, I'm
trying, okay? It's just you get me all hot and
bollard like a milkman should never be. If I
get hot and bollard, I can't get in my car. I
know we haven't known each other for long, but
could I veto using the milk apprentice? lie a
third time? I didn't want to use it a second
time. Why not? No, why did you start there? Because
I could see that angry man was clearly not a
milk enthusiast. I knew, but just went in with
it right away. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Sorsha seemed
lovely. She seemed lovely. What I'm saying is
that everybody trusts the milkman. That's not
true. We don't have to use it again, but it is
absolutely true. More milkman, more trust. Other
than the milkmaster, they trust everyone. It's
a blight on the community. The milkmaster is
an unknown concept to every ordinary citizen.
I got really into it. I made that up off the
cusp, but you're telling me that's real. The
milkmaster's real, yeah. All right. Well, I'm
terrified. But yes, I agree. We can keep that
for emergencies because it seems largely compelling.
But I didn't want to mention it in front of,
you know, I didn't want to get all conspiracy
in front of like them. But did any of us notice
the child? Well, yes, I tried giving her a sweet.
Yeah, but did you notice nothing else about the
looks or anything? No. No. All right. Well, are
you saying the child's a bit horsey? No. He just
looked like the fella from the other field, you
know. At this moment, you see timidly walking
down the driveway towards you, a young fella.
Just look at him. Don't say anything. Just look
at him. I hold up another Werther's Original.
Don't do that to children. He scampers towards
the Werther's Original. Oh, oh. All right. On
all fours? This kid can really move. Oh, whoa.
Okay, when I see it, he does look a bit like
a horse. Hi, yeah, no, I saw you talking to my
dad. My name's Kieran. Oh, lovely to meet you
there, Kieran. Put it there. Thanks. He gives
you a wee shake of the hand. Oh, a strong handshake
there, son. I know my dad, he's all worked up
about this, you know, and I honestly... I sort
of think this might have been sort of my fault,
this whole thing that's kicking off. Why do you
say that? So, like, about a month ago, it was
me and my mate. He's, you know, he's my best
friend, Lenny. He's great. We got a bit drunk
on cans and he's sort of into, like, all sorts
of mad shit. Like, he loves horror movies and
he really likes, like, Vincent Price's voice
and, you know, just spooky stuff. What were the
cans? I think it was like white lightning. Cool.
Thank you. Oh, wait. White lightning? Let the
kid talk. Let the kid talk. It's like a cider.
Oh, never mind. Sorry, you've lost my interest.
I'm going to go wander back to the... I'm off.
That's okay. That's all right. We'll reel in
this Bachelorette. I'm fucking going. Sorry,
Kieran. Continue. Honestly, this is for the best.
Another word that's original. You sure you want
another original? The more you give him, the
more he'll talk. You really love these. Yeah,
yeah, my dad doesn't let me have them because
they kind of taste like milk and we're lactose
intolerant. He scuffed his right up. Yeah, yeah,
it's a forbidden sweet for our house. I mean,
I'll say his, that was meant to be for you. But,
you know, they're the buttery treat. But yeah,
so Lenny, he had this book that his granny gave
him and there was like, you know, some cool pictures
and it said there was a new moon and we saw the
new moon and we, you know, we... We did some
sort of thing, but I'll be honest, I'm a bit
of a lightweight on the oil cans, and I just
kind of blacked out. But I get the feeling that
it might have been something to do with something
we did. What do you remember? Honestly, we were
just sort of waving stuff around at night. What
kind of stuff? There was a stick involved, I
think. And then I woke up in my bed. I definitely
fell asleep in the field. And Lenny's a good
guy, and he brought me home. That's a good friend.
Honestly, Lenny probably knows a bit more about
it than I do. He works down in Extrovision, downtown,
if you want to chat to him. Yeah, sure. So where
exactly was this? It was over at the far end
of this field. Okay, around Turnip incident.
Like, yeah, the fetus kind of loop around. They
do kind of meet up against one another. Yeah,
that's fair enough. Hey, I'll tell you what.
Have a big pint of water. Have a wee lie down.
You'll feel better in a bit. Okay, can I have
another? Yeah, of course. You know what? Take
five. Hey, and you know what? We'll make sure
that this doesn't come back to you, okay? Thank
you. Yeah. We can say that it was robots or something,
right, Clarry? Hey, Kieran. I mean, Clarry laughs.
Thanks, man. Sorry. Yeah, no, it's a cool T -shirt.
It would have been a real zinger if it was here.
We'll come up with a good light. Maybe not the
robots. You won't be... Just have a wee light
on. I might have a light on. If you want, I can
drive. No. All right. You're not insured. Next
time on The Bad Articles, join our brave volunteers
as they head to Extrovision in search of Eleni.
The Bad Articles is created by J .R. McCormick
and Aidan Kelly. It is recorded and produced
by Clark Phillips at Felburn Studios. Starring
Conleth McVeigh, Laura Conlon, Patrick Meier
and Niall McKenna.