previously on the rom -com formula. That's me
practicing for in -show narration voiceovers.
I've never booked a job in that genre, but maybe
I should get my new marketing intern Brian to
start working on that. Anyway, as I was saying,
last week Claire almost screwed the pooch by
standing Tony up at his art show. I'm glad Tony
forgave her, but it was a dick move. Then, out
of nowhere, the rom -com universe intervened
to get things back on track. Both Claire and
Tony happen to have work trips in New York at
the same time. What luck. I asked Brian if we
should also come up with a reason to have a work
trip in New York, but he thought that might be
pushing it. Maybe I should start paying him to
agree with me. Ugh, that old ball and chain.
Oh, speaking of balls and chains, well, you'll
see. Dude, Shannon, give me a minute for crying
out loud. I'm just now walking out of my interview.
I know. That's why I'm calling. I've been watching
you move on my phone's little map. It's like
real life Sims. Why did I ever share my location
with you? Because it's sister code. What if you
got kidnapped by pirates and I had to come find
you? Pirates? Why would pirates be in New York
City? Are you trying to enter a new genre and
romanticy? Don't put your weird fantasies on
me, man. Okay, maybe not pirates, but creepy
Republican finance bros? Fake starving artists
in Brooklyn with spooky family money. The mole
people. I don't know. Anyway, tell me about the
interview. Well, it was interesting. Better than
I expected, actually. It would be a four to six
month contract position to help launch a new
CPG line. CPG? No, let me guess. Cute Pagans
Grinding. Caffeinated Pigeon Gang. Cursed Pizza
Gremlins. Oh, so close. Consumer packaged goods.
Come on. They want a whole new visual ID, brand
system, and launch with a 360 campaign. Like
TV, OLV, social activations, the whole bit. I
only understood about half of that, but that
sounds cool. Yeah. Could I live in New York,
though? I mean, not permanently, obviously, but
would I even want to be here for that long? It's
so expensive. That's the beauty of a contract
position. Live a little. Okay, I'll think about
it. So, what are you going to do for the rest
of your time? Oh, I hadn't really thought about
it. I guess I'll catch a show on Broadway, hit
a few of the tourist spots. I don't have that
much time before I fly home tomorrow morning.
Mm -hmm. Anyway, here's my Uber. I'll call you
later, okay? Okay. Have fun. That sneaky little
turd. Brian, she didn't even mention Tony. I
know he's there in New York, too. Because I told
you. And can you blame her? She's tired of you
trying to manipulate their relationship. Lucky
for you, I happen to know that Tony's walking
toward her right now. They made plans to meet
up. Oh, really? Yeah, Tony and I are texting.
Oh, you are? You really are buddies now. Hey,
we've always been buddies. Aw, babe, I'm proud
of you. It's so hard for middle -aged dudes to
make friends. Okay, Shannon, keep your head in
the game. I'm telling you that I've been texting
with Tony, who's in New York, the most romantic
city in the world, with your sister. Okay, number
one, Indianapolis is the most romantic city in
the world, followed closely by Paris. And number
two, even though I know he's there with Claire,
I still can't believe she didn't tell me about
it. Seriously, her own sister. You're the only
person who finds the Midwest romantic. Anyway,
Tony knows that I know he's there, and he knows
that you know that he's there, and he knows that
she doesn't know that we know that he's there.
So we have an opportunity right now. I'm not
following. We can make suggestions. Drop a few
hints of some New York activities they could
do. Oh, I think I'm picking out what you're putting
down. We're about to Cyrano de Bergerac this
shit. Okay, now I'm not following. How do you
not know that reference? When someone feeds a
friend romantic lines and suggestions from behind
the scenes to help them woo a love interest.
Classic rom -com move. Oh, right. Of course.
How could I have forgotten? Then yes, we're about
to syrup to Burger King this shit. Close enough.
But hell yeah. High five. Okay, that was too
much dessert. We should have split that frozen
hot chocolate at Serendipity. I know, but I was
caught up in the moment. I've wanted to go there
ever since I saw that movie with John Cusack
and Kate Beckinsale. Can't say I've heard of
it. I just thought treating yourself to Serendipity's
is a must -do thing in New York. But that was
a shitload of ice cream. It's nice to walk through
Central Park a bit. Yeah, it's lucky we were
both in town at the same time. I was going to
have to do all the touristy things alone. How
were your meetings, by the way? Yeah, good. It's
a restaurant that I've worked with in Atlanta
already. They're opening a new location in Brooklyn,
and they wanted to have that same vibe as the
original, so we talked about how to adapt the
same design to a new space. Cool. Nice of them
to fly you out for a meeting. Whenever I've traveled
here for work, I've never had time to actually
enjoy the city. Gosh, Central Park looks just
like it does in the movies. Like, I feel like
I've seen these exact benches before. You probably
have. You've got mail? When Harry met Sally?
Uh, what else? Elf? Ah, right, of course. Me
and Dom's favorite. She loves dessert spaghetti.
Okay, Central Park, that's good. Are they holding
hands? I don't know, and I'm not going to send
them a text to ask them if they're holding hands.
Well, where else should we send them? What else
did Tony say? Okay, he said, yeah, dessert sounds
good. We got this. Next up, they should go to
the top of the Empire State Building. Who wouldn't
want a kiss at the top of the Empire State Building?
And then, then they should go to the Statue of
Liberty. They could catch the 9 -11 Memorial
on the way. Brian, what the hell? Indianapolis
isn't romantic, but Ground Zero is. We don't
want them sad for the love of Pete. Chill out.
They're doing their own thing. It's like you
don't even know me. We are all hands on deck
here. We're setting up a war room in the kitchen.
We need a big monitor with a map of Manhattan.
We need headsets and laptops so we can strategize
the most romantic spots and make sure they're
maximizing their whirlwind trip of romance. Oh,
God. What have I done? Oh, my God! I can't believe
that just happened. Right? I can't either. That
girl was like, you were on my Nick Charlie poster
in my bedroom. I don't usually get recognized
like that, especially not in the last, like,
ten years. Yeah, I almost forgot. You were low
-key famous. No, no, no, no. Nick was famous.
I was just some guy in the background of a poster.
You were the wingman for some girl's pre -teen
obsession. I guess. I don't know. Where to next?
Well, should we get some dinner? Yeah, yeah.
I heard about this piano bar a few blocks down
from here. Should we check it out? Yeah, let's
check it out. Ooh, look at that food truck. I
could use a little sweet treat. You can still
eat more sugar after all that? My kind of woman.
Wait, what's that? It looks like a kinky food
truck. Huh. The erotic waffle. Lips or stick
waffle. Okay. I have never seen a wiener -shaped
waffle before. This is amazing. What is happening?
There's one thing I love. It's novelty snacks.
We have to get one. We? Oh, come on. Are you
not secure enough in your manhood to eat wiener
-shaped desserts? Hang on. Listen here. As a
matter of fact, I have eaten wiener -shaped pasta
before. Okay, then. Or, I mean, I guess you could
get the lady parts dessert if you want. Lady
parts? You're over here talking about wieners,
but you can't say vagina. I was just trying not
to make you uncomfortable. You're already asking
me to eat a penis -shaped waffle. You make no
sense, woman. How did we stumble upon a kinky
food truck anyway? Welcome to New York. Ooh,
you can get fruity pebbles as a topping. Oh,
Christ. So which flavor of ice cream do we want
on it? Uh, cookies and cream. Yeah. And the sauce?
Let's see here. Condensed milk, strawberry jam,
or dulce de leche. Gross. Condensed milk? Go
big or go home, I guess. That'll be $13, please.
Thank you. Ooh, it's still warm. This is truly...
Tony, do you want to taste my weeder waffle?
Oh, Jesus. Oh, it's so good. Um, sure. I'll have
a bite. Here. Open wide. Oh. I didn't expect
you to shove it in. That's what she said. Wow.
This evening is really going off the rails. Oh,
wait. Look behind you. Museum of Sex. Oh, I get
it. The erotic food truck is outside the Museum
of Sex. Should we go? Um... What? Do you think
it will be awkward? Well, like, we haven't, uh,
you know. Sorry, sorry. Am I taking this awkward
thing too far? I really am. I legitimately don't
want to, like, pressure you or make you feel
uncomfortable. Um, you know what? Let's do it.
Look! They have candy! It's called... Suck a
bag of dick? This place is nuts. I mean, there's
so much merch in this lobby. Wow. It is nuts.
Good one, Tony. Shall we get tickets? Please,
after you. Need any whips or nipple clamps on
your way in? Yeah, no thanks. Think I'm good
there. All set. This is all fascinating. You
seem very comfortable. Ah, nah, I've never, like,
used any stuff like this. So you're just here
to watch me squirm, then? That, and the novelty
snacks, yes. Right. Almost forgot about your
sweet tooth. Okay, here we go. Wait, look at
that. Wow. That looks painful. Yeah, I think
that's the point. Oh, here's a piece up your
alley. You like power tools. It's attached to
a Makita drill. Oh, my. Um, actually, that's
a Sawzall. I have that model, but, you know,
without the unconventional modification there.
You are really cute when you're embarrassed.
Well, I guess we're in the right place, then.
Electro -ejaculator? Oh, it was used on farm
animals back in the day. Wow, look at this one.
According to the sign, this ass lock is a toy
used for pleasure today. but was commonly thought
to have been a torture device during the Spanish
Inquisition? Oh, man. Aslock? It looks like it
has claws that expand like a speculum. Torture.
Sounds right. Yikes. Isn't a speculum what they
use for, um, for pap smears? I'm impressed that
you know that. Well, you know, I've paid attention
in health class. Oh, look! There's an Andy Warhol
exhibit! Okay, now that is actually cool. That
video was mesmerizing. I feel like a voyeur.
I love an immersive experience. Well, yep. And
here's a wall of dick pics. What? I thought women
didn't like getting dick pics. You know, I read
an article the other day and it was referring
to it as the junk scare problem. Unsolicited
penis pics are non -consensual and intrusive.
But if she tells you she's into it, it's a totally
different story. Okay, good to know. This painting,
I can't figure out whose legs are attached where.
There's just body parts coming out everywhere.
I mean, do you really even need to know whose
parts you're touching at an orgy? True, but the
panda's? What are they doing there? Yeah, let's
not think about that one. Hey, this sculpture
is cool. You know, I actually like this whole
series. Oh, are you an art collector? Not really.
I mean, I have a few pieces from artists that
I know, but I don't have any investment pieces,
if that's what you mean. Yeah, my parents tried
to get into art as investments at one point.
I'm not sure they really knew what they were
doing, though. Well, it's also subjective. I
mean, sometimes I think valuable art is BS. It's
really all about what it means to you. So, are
you having fun? You know, I have never had more
fun while surrounded by phallic objects and medieval
-looking sex toys. Seriously, though, I know
I'm being flippant about all this, but I have
to admit, this is a weird place to go when you
first start dating someone. So, we're dating
then? I thought that's what we're doing. Is that
okay with you? Yes, yeah, yes. I definitely want
to, um, uh, date you. Um, hey, this room says
Super Funland. Now that sounds fun. Oh, it's
like old carnival stuff. Come on! Whoa, this
is so cool. Should we take a selfie in the mirror
tunnel? Oh, yeah, yeah. Here, my arms are longer.
Um, say, ass lock! Ass lock! Ooh, a game room.
Now this is super fun land. Ooh, skee -ball.
Shall we? Okay, so you make this sexy ancient
gods race by throwing the balls and getting points.
Step right up, step right up. Only 75 cents right
now. Pick your sex god and give it a whirl. I'll
be Xochipilli, Aztec god of ecstasy and psychoactive
substances. I'll be Eros. The player with the
most points moves their god across the board.
Ready? And go! And they're off. Oh, gosh, almost.
Get in there. 50 points. Look at that. Come on.
I can't believe you got that one in. Here we
go. Almost done. You can do this, Claire. You
can do this, Claire. Tony, how are you so far
ahead of me? I guess skee -ball is my superpower.
And the winner is Eros, god of love, desire,
and sex. Yes. Here's your prize. Oh, um, great.
It's a penis -stuffed animal. Yeah, just what
I always wanted. Aw, it's cute. Not exactly what
a guy wants to hear about his penis, but... I
know what you need. A booby bounce house. Right
this way. Whoa, you weren't kidding. It's a bouncy
room with boobs. Shall we? You know, I always
have an unexpected adventure when I'm with you.
Okay, here we go. I'm so glad you're up for my
shenanigans. Oh, I definitely am. This is the
weirdest bounce house I've ever been in. There
are giant inflatable boobs everywhere. Whoa!
Lost my balance there. Glad I was here to catch
your fall. With your entire body. On top of me.
Hey, Claire. How many people do you think have
made out in here? I don't really want to think
about what substances might be on the surfaces
of the booby bounce house. Okay, um, yeah, on
that note, um, shall we move along to the next
exhibit? Uh, sure, yeah. Did you see that slide
over there? A slide? Wow, it just keeps getting
better. Let's go. Huh, okay, so we climb up there
to what is obviously a slide, but we don't know
where it's going to come out. Why are you so
suspicious? This feels like a trap. If I get
to the end of this slide and land in a pile of
dicks, I swear to God I've seen enough penises
today. I'll tell you what, I'll go first and
then holler up once the coast is clear. All right.
I'm trusting you. Here we go. Whee! It's so twisty!
I'm on! Okay, what do you see? Oh, cool! Tony,
it's awesome! You land in a bar! Oh, like a bar?
With drinks and a bartender? Yes! And a stripper
pole! What's the wiener situation? I see no wiener.
I think you're safe. Okay, I'm coming down. Hang
on. Wow, this was made for a smaller person than
me. I barely fit in this thing. Just make yourself
bendy. I can't. I'm stuck. Oh, man. I gotta wiggle
my way past this curb. Hold on. Okay. This is
ridiculous. You made it. Ta -da. Oh, hey. It
really is a bar. Okay, now, turn around and look
what you just came out of. It's a butt. I just
slid through a butthole. But it's definitely
a lady's butt, at least. It's a nice butt. I
guess this makes us the shit. Oh, a dad joke.
Weirdly attractive. High five. Good one. I can
safely say I've never had a night like this.
Not even on a tour bus? This has been so much
better than any day on tour. Wow, I'm glad. So
what now? Well, it's getting kind of late. Hmm.
Should we go back to my hotel? I thought you'd
never ask. I'll order an Uber. Leave it to my
sister. I was in full mad scientist mode making
a map of all the most romantic spots to visit
in New York, and Claire and Tony were visiting
a freaking sex museum. Who knew there was an
actual sex museum anyway? And why haven't I been?
I just, well, I was flabbergasted, frankly. And
proud. She's all grown up. I thought maybe, just
maybe, I'd done all I could do. Maybe Brian was
right that if I kept sticking my nose in Claire's
business, I could disrupt the delicate balance
of their budding romance and the whole rom -com
universe. Now, I know what you must be thinking.
Let's get real. You want to know what happened
after the sex museum. I guess you'll have to
come back next week to find out. The rom -com
formula was created, directed, produced, and
written by Susan Cooper. Co -produced by Micah
Caldwell and co -written by Micah Caldwell, Rozzy
Shadmary, and Scythe Sullypern. Co -starring
Susan Cooper as Shannon, Micah Caldwell as Claire,
and Matt Fogarty as Tony. Joined in this episode
by an ensemble cast that includes Francisco Almenara
as Brian, Macy Roberts as food truck vendor,
and Jill D. Perry as museum game attendant. Series
edited by Doug Lehman with post -production provided
by Rosebank Picture and Sound. If this episode
of the Rom -Com Formula swept you off your feet,
please like and subscribe, leave us a review,
share with your favorite hopeless romantic, and
follow us on Instagram at romcomformula for bonus
content. I am Diana Duran. Thanks for listening.